Podcast Summary: We Can Do Hard Things

Episode: Is Work Stress Sabotaging Your Relationships? | Dr. Alexandra Solomon
Release Date: July 10, 2025
Host/Authors: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle
Guest: Dr. Alexandra Solomon

Introduction & Guest Spotlight

We Can Do Hard Things kicks off with hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle introducing their esteemed guest, Dr. Alexandra Solomon. Amanda highlights Dr. Solomon's credentials, noting her as an internationally recognized psychologist specializing in relationships and relational self-awareness. Dr. Solomon is lauded for her ability to translate complex research into practical tools for enhancing relationship dynamics.

Work Stress as a Primary Source of Marital Conflict

Amanda Doyle opens the discussion by identifying work-related issues as one of the most cited reasons for marital conflict. She poses the central question: "If you feel like your partner's work is killing your relationship...how does it affect the intimacy inside the home?" (02:27).

Dr. Solomon explains that excessive work hours and blurred boundaries between work and home life often lead to what she describes as the "suffering Olympics," where partners compete over who has a tougher job (04:34). This competitive complaining can erode mutual appreciation and understanding.

Identifying Types of Couples Based on Work Orientation

Dr. Solomon introduces three distinct types of couples based on their work orientations:

1. Slasher and Traditionalist (10:05):

   • Slasher: Individuals juggling multiple roles (e.g., artist/coach/yoga instructor) with side hustles.
   • Traditionalist: Partners committed to a single career path (e.g., lawyer, teacher, nurse).

   Notable Quote:

   "When a couple is partnered across that difference, there are opportunities for misunderstanding, tension, polarization, resentment." – Dr. Alexandra Solomon (10:35)

2. Coaster and Climber (11:04):

   • Coaster: Individuals satisfied with their current job without seeking advancement.
   • Climber: Partners who are ambitious, constantly seeking promotions and career growth.

3. Meaning Maker and Money Maker (12:20):

   • Meaning Maker: Individuals whose work is driven by purpose and passion.
   • Money Maker: Partners focused primarily on financial gain and job stability.

   Dr. Solomon emphasizes that mismatched work orientations can lead to significant relationship strain, particularly during job loss or career transitions.

Impact of Income Dynamics and Gender Roles

Amanda addresses the intricacies of income dynamics within relationships, especially when traditional gender roles are challenged:

• Gender and Income: In heterosexual couples, half have women out-earning men, which often disrupts traditional provider roles.

  Notable Quote:

  "Being a provider is about providing so much more than a paycheck, providing stability." – Dr. Alexandra Solomon (22:27)

• Unpaid Labor: Even when women earn more, societal expectations often leave men shouldering more unpaid household labor, leading to resentment and imbalance (23:01).

• Cultural Messaging: Abby Wambach reflects on cultural norms, citing Gloria Steinem's insight about encouraging boys to embrace roles traditionally seen as feminine to foster equality and reduce shame-based dynamics (26:47).

Cultural Influences and Systemic Inequalities

Dr. Solomon broadens the conversation to acknowledge macro systems contributing to workplace stress, such as:

• Income Inequality: Unequal pay scales and discriminatory practices add layers of stress, particularly for marginalized groups.

• Microaggressions: Daily experiences of prejudice amplify stress levels for individuals from minority backgrounds, impacting their relationships (05:51).

Amanda underscores the compounded stress experienced by Black women balancing professional demands with systemic racism, highlighting the significant toll on familial relationships (06:26).

Strategies for Healthy Integration of Work and Love

The hosts and Dr. Solomon explore actionable strategies to mitigate work-related stress in relationships:

1. Establishing Boundaries:

   • Tech-Free Zones: Couples designate areas or times where devices are put away to foster meaningful connections (30:43).
   • Dedicated Conversation Spaces: Allocating specific areas in the home for discussions helps compartmentalize work and personal life.

2. Creating a Home Sanctuary:

   • Transforming the home into a safe haven where partners can decompress and support each other without the intrusion of work stress (41:19).

   Notable Quote:

   "Make your home a haven... accept and protect your relationship from the impact of work stress." – Dr. Alexandra Solomon (42:48)

3. Open Communication:

   • Encouraging vulnerability by sharing personal fears and insecurities related to work helps deepen mutual understanding.

   Notable Quote:

   "Let's figure out how to honor that... hold that difference without adding layers of blame." – Dr. Alexandra Solomon (35:24)

4. Recognizing and Addressing Projections:

   • Couples should be aware of how personal insecurities can lead to projecting negative traits onto each other, fostering resentment (35:04).

Recognizing When Work is Harming the Relationship

Dr. Solomon outlines key indicators that work stress is damaging a relationship:

• Constantly Discussing Work: Dominating conversations with work-related issues rather than balanced interactions.

• Quality of Conversations: Shifting from supportive dialogues to competitive complaining or blame games.

• Work as a Refuge: Using work as a means to escape relationship issues without addressing underlying problems.

• Negative Spillover: Speaking disparagingly about the partner in a work context, which can erode trust and respect (55:15).

Notable Quote:

"The way we want to feel is that our work life and our love life are informing and fueling and supporting each other." – Dr. Alexandra Solomon (57:45)

Fostering Mutual Support and Personal Growth

The conversation emphasizes the importance of supporting each other's personal and professional growth without undermining the relationship:

• Individual Health with Work: Each partner maintaining personal well-being and fulfilling their own ambitions contributes to a healthier relationship dynamic (33:57).

• Respecting Differences: Acknowledging and valuing different work orientations as complementary rather than conflicting enhances mutual respect and reduces tension (28:52).

Conclusion & Resources

Dr. Solomon provides listeners with resources to navigate work-related relationship stress:

• Conversation Starters: The podcast includes sets of questions and frameworks on DrAlexAndRasolomon.com/hardthings to facilitate neutral and productive discussions between partners.

• Educational Materials: Additional tools and materials are available for couples to explore their work dynamics and improve relational health.

Final Notable Quote:

"Love is looking at another person... that moment requires a separation in the first place." – Abby Wambach (46:32)

Key Takeaways

1. Work-Life Balance is Critical: Excessive work stress can severely impact relationship intimacy and stability.

2. Understand Work Orientations: Identifying and respecting each partner's approach to work can prevent misunderstandings and resentment.

3. Establish Clear Boundaries: Creating designated times and spaces for personal interaction helps mitigate the intrusion of work stress into the relationship.

4. Communicate Openly and Vulnerably: Sharing personal fears and insecurities related to work fosters deeper understanding and support.

5. Acknowledge Systemic Influences: Recognizing macro-level factors like income inequality and cultural norms can provide context to personal relationship challenges.

6. Utilize Available Resources: Engaging with tools and frameworks designed to facilitate healthy conversations can strengthen relationship resilience against work-related stress.

By addressing these areas, couples can cultivate a supportive environment where both their professional ambitions and personal relationships thrive harmoniously.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• 10:35 – Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
  "When a couple is partnered across that difference, there are opportunities for misunderstanding, tension, polarization, resentment."

• 22:27 – Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
  "Being a provider is about providing so much more than a paycheck, providing stability."

• 26:47 – Abby Wambach:
  "We've been telling girls that they can do anything and they can be like boys since the beginning of time, but the world will not change until we start telling boys, you can do anything, you can be like girls."

• 35:24 – Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
  "Let's figure out how to honor that... hold that difference without adding layers of blame."

• 42:48 – Dr. Alexandra Solomon:
  "Make your home a haven... accept and protect your relationship from the impact of work stress."

• 46:32 – Abby Wambach:
  "Love is looking at another person... that moment requires a separation in the first place."

Resources Mentioned

• Conversation Starters and Tools: DrAlexAndRasolomon.com/hardthings

• Dr. Alexandra Solomon's Books:

  • Love Every Day
  • Taking Sexy Back
  • Loving Bravely

This episode provides invaluable insights into how work stress can permeate and sabotage the foundations of personal relationships. By understanding distinct work orientations, acknowledging systemic pressures, and implementing strategic boundaries and communication practices, couples can navigate these challenges to build stronger, more resilient bonds.