Podcast Summary: We Can Do Hard Things
Episode: REAL Self-Care: Burnout Is Not Your Fault & the Way Out with Dr. Pooja Lakshmin (Best Of)
Release Date: July 6, 2025

Introduction to Real Self-Care

In this insightful episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach delve deep into the concept of self-care, challenging conventional notions and introducing a transformative approach with the help of guest expert Dr. Pooja Lakshman. The discussion centers on redefining self-care to address burnout and foster genuine well-being.

Challenging Conventional Self-Care

Abby Wambach kicks off the conversation by boldly stating, “everything you know and we've been sold about self care is horseshit” ([02:10]). This provocative stance sets the tone for a critical examination of mainstream self-care practices, such as juice cleanses, bubble baths, yoga, and meditation, which are often commodified and marketed as quick fixes.

Dr. Pooja Lakshman supports this critique by explaining that these “faux self-care” methods are superficial solutions that fail to address underlying systemic issues. She emphasizes, “you can't meditate your way out of a 40-hour work week with no childcare” ([05:48]).

Defining Faux Self-Care vs. Real Self-Care

Dr. Lakshman introduces the concept of faux self-care—external tools and activities prescribed by society that individuals are urged to adopt. Examples include yoga classes, meditation apps, and essential oils. These methods are often accessible only to those with sufficient financial resources and tend to offer temporary relief rather than long-term solutions.

In contrast, real self-care is described as an internal, personalized decision-making process rooted in one’s values, principles, boundaries, compassion, and power. This form of self-care evolves with different life stages and fosters sustainable well-being by addressing both personal and systemic challenges.

Notable Quote:

“Real self care is actually an internal decision making process that's threaded through all of the decisions in your life, the little decisions and the big decisions.” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([12:25])

The Origins and Lineages of Self-Care

Dr. Lakshman traces the origins of self-care to two main lineages:

1. Social Justice Movement: Pioneered by Black and LGBTQ+ thinkers like Audre Lorde and bell hooks, emphasizing self-care as self-preservation and an act of political resistance ([08:03]).

2. Psychiatry: In the 1950s, psychiatrists used the term in inpatient settings to refer to patients' autonomy over daily decisions, such as choosing clothes or meals ([08:03]).

These origins highlight self-care as both a personal and political act, challenging the simplistic, consumer-driven self-care narratives prevalent today.

Core Principles of Real Self-Care

Dr. Lakshman outlines four key principles essential for real self-care:

1. Boundaries ([26:30]): Establishing limits to protect one’s time, energy, and well-being.

   • Quote: “The pause is the agency.” – Abby Wambach ([28:50])

   • Explanation: Instead of immediately responding to requests, taking a moment to reflect aligns responses with personal values, reducing guilt and enhancing agency.

2. Values ([41:08]): Identifying and embodying personal values that guide decision-making and behavior.

   • Quote: “A value is something to embody. It's a verb or an adverb, it's not a noun.” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([42:21])

   • Technique: The "Dinner Party Exercise" helps individuals uncover their true values by envisioning an ideal dinner party scenario.

3. Self-Compassion ([51:43]): Cultivating a kind and understanding relationship with oneself to counteract negative self-talk and martyrdom.

   • Quote: “Self compassion is essentially talking to yourself.” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([51:50])

   • Strategy: Using cognitive diffusion techniques to separate oneself from negative thoughts and emotions, allowing them to pass without judgment.

4. Power ([Not Explicitly Timestamped]): Recognizing and reclaiming personal power in interactions and decisions, shifting dynamics from external expectations to internal authority.

Practical Strategies for Implementing Real Self-Care

1. Setting and Maintaining Boundaries:

   • The Pause: Implementing a moment of reflection before responding to requests helps align actions with personal values and reduces knee-jerk, conditioned responses.

   • Example: Dr. Lakshman shares her mentor’s advice to let voicemails go to voicemail, allowing time to decide whether to respond immediately or later ([27:33]).

2. Identifying and Embracing Personal Values:

   • Exercise: The "Dinner Party Exercise" encourages individuals to articulate their values through creative visualization, moving beyond superficial answers like "family" to actionable traits like "creativity" or "allowing."

   • Adaptability: Recognizing that values evolve with different life stages ensures that self-care remains relevant and effective ([41:08]).

3. Cultivating Self-Compassion:

   • Cognitive Diffusion: A technique from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) that helps individuals detach from negative thoughts, viewing them as transient and separate from their true selves ([30:13]).

   • Martyr Mode Awareness: Understanding and combating the tendency to prioritize others’ needs over one’s own, fostering a healthier self-relationship ([53:09]).

4. Reclaiming Personal Power:

   • Agency in Decision-Making: Taking control over one’s actions and decisions, rather than succumbing to external pressures and societal expectations.

   • Example: Dr. Lakshman recounts a patient's refusal to accept help, illustrating the necessity of practicing small acts of boundary-setting and receiving support before tackling larger challenges ([56:57]).

Addressing Systemic Barriers to Real Self-Care

The conversation highlights how systemic issues like capitalism and white supremacy perpetuate individualistic and commodified self-care practices. These systems place the burden of well-being on individuals while neglecting structural changes that could alleviate many sources of burnout and stress.

Abby Wambach poses a critical question, “Is it like, did whiteness get in and just teach us how to be so individual and disconnected from each other?” ([58:12]), emphasizing the need to shift from isolation to community-oriented self-care practices.

Dr. Lakshman responds by acknowledging the intertwined nature of white supremacy and capitalism, advocating for self-care practices that center humanity and foster authentic, respectful relationships ([60:53]).

Practical Applications and Personal Reflections

The hosts and Dr. Lakshman share personal anecdotes and reflections to illustrate the principles of real self-care:

• Glennon Doyle discusses her transition from a disciplined tool-based self-care approach to a values-driven one, highlighting the importance of aligning actions with personal values for genuine well-being ([17:14]).

• Abby Wambach reflects on the cultural conditioning that equates self-care with purchasing wellness products, advocating for deeper introspection and community engagement instead ([19:59]).

Notable Quote:

“Real self care is something that comes from inside of us as opposed to something outside that we are clinging to.” – Abby Wambach ([62:25])

Conclusion and Call to Action

The episode concludes with a powerful call to embrace real self-care by:

1. Finding Quiet Time: Allocating moments for introspection to identify personal values.
2. Establishing Boundaries: Implementing the pause technique to respond thoughtfully to requests.
3. Practicing Self-Compassion: Using cognitive diffusion to manage negative self-talk.
4. Embracing Community: Reaching out and accepting help to build authentic relationships.

Abby Wambach encourages listeners, “If it's just a little place to start, just find some quiet time. Think about your values... send them to us” ([62:25]), fostering a supportive community focused on genuine self-care practices.

Key Takeaways:

• Faux Self-Care often serves as a superficial, commodified solution that fails to address deeper systemic and personal issues.

• Real Self-Care is an individualized, principle-based approach that focuses on internal decision-making, aligning actions with personal values, and fostering authentic connections.

• Setting Boundaries, Identifying Values, and Practicing Self-Compassion are foundational elements of sustainable well-being.

• Systemic Change is essential for alleviating burnout, recognizing that individual well-being is intertwined with broader societal structures.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• “everything you know and we've been sold about self care is horseshit.” – Abby Wambach ([02:10])

• “you can't meditate your way out of a 40-hour work week with no childcare.” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([05:48])

• “Real self care is actually an internal decision making process that’s threaded through all of the decisions in your life...” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([12:25])

• “The pause is the agency.” – Abby Wambach ([28:50])

• “A value is something to embody. It’s a verb or an adverb, it’s not a noun.” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([42:21])

• “Self compassion is essentially talking to yourself.” – Dr. Pooja Lakshman ([51:50])

• “Real self care is something that comes from inside of us as opposed to something outside that we are clinging to.” – Abby Wambach ([62:25])

This episode serves as a compelling exploration of self-care, urging listeners to move beyond superficial practices and engage in deeper, more meaningful approaches to well-being.