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Glennon Doyle
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Abby Wambach
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Abby Wambach
Hello everyone, I'm Abby. Welcome back to We Can Do Hard Things. And we have a real treat for you today because we are talking to our dear friend and truly the friend of women everywhere. Correct Reese Witherspoon.
Amanda Doyle
Reese Witherspoon is an award winning actress, entrepreneur, producer and New York Times bestselling author. She won an Academy Award for her portrayal of June Carter Cash in Walk the Line, which is one of my all time favorite movies and later nominated in that same category for you May have Heard it wild in 2014, which she also produced. Witherspoon also starred in beloved films Sweet Home Alabama.
Abby Wambach
I love that so much.
Amanda Doyle
I know Legally Blonde. Oh get out of here with that and election me. As well as award winning television series Big Little Lies.
Abby Wambach
Oh, geez.
Amanda Doyle
Little fires everywhere.
Glennon Doyle
I know.
Abby Wambach
It's just.
Amanda Doyle
And the morning show which turned gay. Best moment of our life. Abby and I celebrated that moment on the couch like it was ours. Like we wrote it.
Abby Wambach
Yes, yes.
Amanda Doyle
And it was my first moment of gaydar. Remember, I saw it coming before you.
Abby Wambach
You did, actually.
Amanda Doyle
Okay. In 2016, she established hello Sunshine, a media brand that has changed the world for sure.
Abby Wambach
Big time.
Amanda Doyle
And content company dedicated to female authorship and storytelling across all platforms. I'm going to calm down. Hello Sunshine is also home to to Reese's Book Club and Reese's YA Book Club, which focuses on storytelling with women at the center. Hello Sunshine is now the cornerstone of a larger media company called Candle Media. Reese. I mean, are you tired?
Glennon Doyle
Very.
Abby Wambach
She's got to be very tired.
Reese Witherspoon
I am. I am tired. I'm a little tired. But I love my job so much. I wake up every day and I just get excited to talk about. I mean, are you kidding me? I get to tell stories for a living and it's just a dream. But thank you for that lovely intro. I'm just, you know, sometimes you're just like working and you forget that you've done other things and I'm like, oh, that's so nice.
Abby Wambach
I know. And it's like, not that you've just done things. You've done incredible things. Like all of the things that we just talked about are like our favorite movies and our favorite experiences that we share with each other. It's just incredible to us.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah. And after doing all of those fantastic movies, it would have been certainly okay for you to be like, I've done what I'm gonna do for you. Yeah.
Abby Wambach
Thanks, Hollywood. Bye.
Amanda Doyle
But then you changed the whole landscape for everybody. And we're gonna get into that. But before all of that, before you exploded the planet with your existence, you were born in March of 1976. You and I were born two days apart.
Abby Wambach
Wow.
Amanda Doyle
I know. We're both Aries. You may have seen it.
Abby Wambach
That is really something.
Amanda Doyle
We both got pregnant in our early 20s and got married. We both had more babies, then got divorced, and now we are both remarried with blended families and careers. So I want to start with this question. What do you see as the difference between 23 year old Reese and 46 year old Reese?
Reese Witherspoon
Oh, gosh. Well, even when you just said that, it kind of brought tears to my eyes thinking about when I was 22 and finding out I was pregnant. And I remember reading Love Warrior and just feeling like, oh my God, I had all those feelings. I was so scared. I was so scared and not knowing what to do and not knowing what it was going to do to my career. And I had people in my ear going, I don't know, I don't know what you're doing. And just having to make a decision or making choices when you're that young and you don't know who you are yet. I think back about it a lot. I think back about how I got through having a newborn. When I was 23 years old, friends were partying and going to clubs and I was taking her to preschool and putting her in the car seat and pushing her around the grocery store and just talking to her. Like I talked to her all day and I read to her all day and I sang to her all day. And she was my little best friend. But it was lonely. It was really hard and lonely. I was living in la. I didn't have any girlfriends, I don't have a sister. My mom had a full time job as a nurse. She couldn't leave her job in Nashville. And so I was just looking, searching for community. And I found it through this group of women at like a Mommy and Me yoga class. And I clung to these women. I just clung to them. These women put their arms around me. They called me every week to see how I was doing. They called me late at night to see if the baby was sleeping. And I have to say like, I think I've always felt great comfort in female friendship and female partnership because I couldn't, I couldn't do it without the amazing women in my life.
Abby Wambach
Amazing, babe, what's the difference between your 23 year old self and your 46 year old self?
Amanda Doyle
I think that I believed in structure and institutions more than I do now. I was scared shitless too, Reese. And I was like, I have to get married. Yeah, I have to get married. I have to find a church. I have to fight. Like, I have to do like the structures to keep me safe. Even though looking back, I remember my ex husband saying, I don't think we should get married. And I was like, prank caller, prank caller. We're just gonna barrel through. So anyway, I think the 46 year old believes in myself more than institutions and my 23 year old self was different. So those women in that yoga class that you clung to, what a great word by the way, clung. Because we're not supposed to be needy, but we are all needy as shit.
Abby Wambach
Yeah, right.
Reese Witherspoon
So so needy.
Amanda Doyle
We're all so needy. We're oozing with need.
Reese Witherspoon
My cup runneth over with me. I'm like a black hole of need.
Amanda Doyle
Yes.
Reese Witherspoon
It just keeps sucking in and mainly of, like, female friendship. I just need it so badly.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah. When we asked you if you would do this podcast, you said yes right away. I said, what do you want to talk about? And you said, actually, my husband and I were just talking last night about how I want to talk more about female friendship. So tell us why that is so important to. For you to talk about more in the world.
Reese Witherspoon
I was talking to him about, first of all, it's so cute. We talk about y'all all the time. My husband, my son, and I, because we are obsessed with soccer, they watch soccer all day long. So mainly we talk about Abby.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah, I feel you. Same.
Reese Witherspoon
And then they're like, mom, who's Glenn, Abby's wife. But, oh, my gosh. We were talking about Abby's stats in the car to my son and how important it was that. That decision to equally distribute the money of the U.S. soccer team between the men and the women's teams. And why does it matter? And so then we looked up your stats, and your stats were, like, insane and so cool. So I just told him. I was like, oh, I'm going to talk to Abby. And he was like, what are you guys gonna talk about? Our feelings? He was like, why would you wanna talk about that?
Abby Wambach
That's right. That's what we do here.
Reese Witherspoon
First of all, I say to my husband a lot, I thank God that Glennon Doyle is in the world. I thank God that Cheryl Straight is in the world, that Liz Gilbert is in this world. And I'll include Ann Patchett and a whole other group of people who. When I don't know where to turn, I look at your writing and your books, and it just grounds me. It makes me feel like I'm not alone. And that everything that I've been pushing forward towards, which is sometimes exhausting, you know, and it sounds like everybody you talk to. I was listening to your podcast with Bose. It's tiring to push a rock up a hill, you know, and have it roll back on you all the time. And then. But sometimes you get a gain. And then you're like, we got a gain. And then sometimes you get a loss, and you're like, oh, my God, am I going to push that rock again? Jesus, I can't. And I cry a lot. But I was telling my husband about something in Loveware that Really resonated with me. And it changed the way I am a friend, which was you describe telling your story to different people and the different responses that they have. One is the fixer, one is the shover, one is the comparer. And it was a light bulb for me that I can't remember which one I used to be. But I was definitely one of those people who was like, not this too shall pass. But I was like, well, you know, I've got an incredible therapist or fixer.
Amanda Doyle
I was gonna say if I had to pick one, because you're a helper, you wanna help people, right?
Reese Witherspoon
I do. And I just think, gosh, if I could just help, then everything would be better. But it really spoke to me that part of that book that was about actively listening as a friend, sitting in quiet understanding, sitting next to someone or hearing them or really seeing them is so much more valuable. I just never saw anybody describe it that way. And it was really a revelation to me.
Amanda Doyle
Well, it's exciting to me that I taught Reese something about friendship. Because what the Pod squad needs to know is Reese is known as being a very good friend in the world. I don't wanna say a friend expert. Like, I don't know if she'd teach a class about it. It's just that she. You. It feels to me like you have figured out how to maintain and show up over time and have friendship be a life giving force in your life over time. Like, you have nailed that.
Reese Witherspoon
I hope so.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
We should call one of my friends real quick.
Amanda Doyle
We did. We vetted you.
Abby Wambach
No, Thoroughly.
Amanda Doyle
I'm joking.
Reese Witherspoon
No, you didn't. No, you didn't. They'd probably be like, you travel too much. That's what they say.
Amanda Doyle
So I wanna ask you, Rhys, some questions about friendship because this is. I'm 40, 46 now and I'm trying to figure out friendship right now. You know, I got sober, I became a mom. I did that. I haven't explored or figured out the life giving force of friendship yet. And I'm not beating myself up about it. It's just a new frontier for me.
Abby Wambach
You also fell in love and so that was like big for five years.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah, I'm slowly growing.
Abby Wambach
But we know that that's not sustainable, that it can't just be us. Life giving force from others.
Amanda Doyle
That's right. Abby's like, dear God, spread the word.
Abby Wambach
Well, we both are. Yes.
Amanda Doyle
Okay, so I'm going to ask you some questions, Rhys, and I just want you to pretend like I'm an alien. Who's just landed on the planet. And you're trying to explain friendship to me because that is in fact what's happening right now. What is friendship, Rhys?
Reese Witherspoon
Friendship is so much, but it's. It's a deposit and a withdrawal system. I think about that a lot. You can't take a withdrawal if you haven't made a deposit.
Abby Wambach
That's really good.
Reese Witherspoon
And I think about that a lot because I think people in my position and Yalls position, it's like there's a lot of people who want to withdraw. There is. And people who have bright light or energy or are caregivers or are caretakers, they give. They give, they give. Right. But you got to make sure someone's putting a deposit into your friendship and then every once in a while reevaluate. Is this more withdrawal than deposit? Like, where is the balance here?
Abby Wambach
It's so good. I think that this is what we've figured out over the last many years, our search for more friendship. We want to feel like friends are helping us also learn more about and explore more about the world. Right. And I think that we found a couple of friends here that are doing that. And it feels so wonderful now that we live in la. It feels so wonderful.
Amanda Doyle
Reese, how do you identify a person that you want to be a friend?
Reese Witherspoon
Oh, isn't that interesting? Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
Because it's like romantic love is like different. It's like, oh, love, Field of butterflies. Something's happening.
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
What's friendship? Butterflies?
Reese Witherspoon
Um, gosh, I feel like it's a very similar thing.
Amanda Doyle
It is, right?
Reese Witherspoon
I can look at a group of people and I just know the two or three people I'm supposed to get to know better. It doesn't mean that we're going to have this incredible connection. But I watch the way people interact with people. Their use of language, I think is really important to me because I'm a words person looking at that. Are they here to withdraw or deposit or stay neutral? This is a funny story, y'all. I trained for this movie where I played a NCAA championship softball player. Don't laugh.
Abby Wambach
Nobody's laughing.
Reese Witherspoon
I had this really great coach and she was like a 12 time NCAA champion coach. And I thought, well, first of all, anybody who's had coaching at that level, just the positivity that they put in these young athletes is incredible. I thought if I'd had that when I was 22, I wouldn't have to read a hundred self help books. I read a hundred self help books when I was 20, 22, 23. And she said something really smart about friendship. Her name was Coach Enquist, Sue Enquist. Do you know Coach Enquist? Yeah, she's amazing. And she said, reese, you're going to meet three different kinds of people in life. A third of the people are going to lift you up. They're going to believe in your dreams. They're going to encourage you, you're going to encourage them. And a third of the people are going to be totally neutral. They're just neutral. And you don't care about them, they don't care about you. No harm, no foul. And then the, the other third are going to try and drag you down actively. Whether they know it, consciously, unconsciously, they are here to pull people down and they're going to try and pull you down. And she was like, avoid the bottom third.
Abby Wambach
Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
And I talked to this, like my kids about it all the time. About 4, finding friendships that lift you up. See, you care about, you care about your children, care about your mom and your dad and your family. You know, try and bring and attract those kind of people in your life and avoid, avoid those bottom third. Yeah, because they're coming for you, man. They're coming for your light and your energy.
Abby Wambach
Yes.
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Abby Wambach
It's really foreign.
Glennon Doyle
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Glennon Doyle
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Abby Wambach
I love this ad.
Glennon Doyle
We're so glad that they continue to support the show.
Amanda Doyle
It's true. Abby is obsessed, obsessed with Vori. I am a little bit too. Do you think you have a favorite item?
Abby Wambach
They're T shirts.
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You wear them under suits and you wear them to bed.
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Amanda Doyle
Okay, so when you find somebody who's in that top third and you get the friendship butterflies, what do you do to make the first move?
Reese Witherspoon
I have to be brave. And for me, being brave is like just jumping. Like, I imagine myself as a little kid jumping two feet in a cold pool. And, you know, once you get in there, it's not as cold as you thought it was. That's right. I also think about other people. Like, must be terrifying to have to stand alone in a room. Or I think, oh, I'm gonna go say hi.
Amanda Doyle
Why not?
Reese Witherspoon
What's the worst thing that could happen? Or be vulnerable? I will tell you. When I had no friends in Los Angeles, I moved right after college. I stopped out of Stanford. Cause I Got this job and I moved into this apartment. I didn't know anybody. I was 19 years old. I had no friends, and my mom came to visit me. I go, mom, I have no friends. And she's like, there's a girl across the hallway. I have to do it. Like Betty Witherspoon. There's a girl across the hallway, and she looks like she's about your age. And I think you should just go over there and you should just ask her if she wants to have some coffee. And I was like, really? Yeah. So I knocked on her door.
Abby Wambach
Oh, my God.
Reese Witherspoon
I was like, hi. And she goes. She goes, hi. Hi, I'm Reese. I'm 19. She goes, I'm 19, too. My name is Heather. I was like, I don't know anybody. I just stopped out of Stanford. I'm here by myself. She goes, I just stopped out of Berkeley. I was like, oh, I'm working. She's like, I'm working too. I was like, do you want to get coffee? She's my best friend to this day. No, she's my very best friend on planet Earth.
Amanda Doyle
I saw you do this recently. I saw her do it. We were in a little thing together, and the woman who was running the workshop said, pair up. Find a partner. Like people who say that I just want to stick a fork in their eyeball. I just stood there for a second, and Reese walked over to the person who was sitting by themselves and just grabbed her and said, I want to be a partner. Just. I was like, yeah, of course she did. Okay, so you. You pretend like you're just jumping in the freezing cold pool.
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
To get through that initial resistance. Okay.
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
How do you.
Reese Witherspoon
Half of my life is just like jumping into a freezing cold pool. Think about all the things that you have to do to just get to there and then get to there and get to there. It's like, oh, I've done much scarier things than introduce myself.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah, that's good. That's good, that's good. Okay. How do you know that someone doesn't just want to be friends with you because you're famous?
Reese Witherspoon
I don't.
Amanda Doyle
You don't?
Abby Wambach
That's so cool to say, Rhys, because that's a. That's a very non codependent thing to say. That's like a it's not my problem sort of thing. That's so good.
Reese Witherspoon
Well, I hope I figure it out quickly, but, like, I do have a really good group of girlfriends around who will say to me, hey, he just wants to be your Friend. Because he's trying to, I don't know, write an article. It becomes pretty apparent pretty quickly. Again, withdrawals, no deposits.
Amanda Doyle
Okay, that's. That's how. Okay, that's good.
Reese Witherspoon
And also, y'all, don't you feel like you have such limited time? Friendship is like this very important thing, but you gotta have friends who first of all be able to put them on your speed dial. They'd show up if your kid was sick. And then you have to be able to hang up the phone immediately and they don't get their feelings hurt.
Amanda Doyle
Right.
Reese Witherspoon
I gotta go. Click yes. Literally, when you call them three days later, you just start talking about whatever you were talking about when you hung up the phone, right?
Abby Wambach
Yeah, we had a friend that. That. That they said, you know, if we are literally driving to your house for dinner and you need to call and cancel, we won't ask questions. We'll turn our car around and go home. So that's the kind of friendship that. And I was like, well, this is wonderful.
Amanda Doyle
Because I was like, don't say that to us.
Abby Wambach
You're just giving Glennon a cancellation out every time, Reese.
Amanda Doyle
Every time. I make a plan with someone and I'm getting better because I'm working on friendship, but I just feel like it's this game of chicken of who's gonna cancel first, and I'm trying to wait it out so the other person will cancel. So I get the moral high ground of not canceling, but I still don't have to go. It's that sweet spot. You know, maybe you just need friends.
Reese Witherspoon
To like, who, like to come to your house.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah, for sure we do. And that's what they do. That's what they do. Okay, so what is needed to maintain a friendship, Reece? Because I used to think you just find someone you love and you're like, you're my person and that's it. And then you just don't ever talk again. What is your friendship maintenance plan? What's required?
Reese Witherspoon
Oh, gosh. I think my friends are going to be like, what is she gonna say? Random check ins. Like, not just your birthday. Like, random check ins. Like, you're on my mind. What's going on? How are you, girl? Like, that's my favorite kind of friend.
Amanda Doyle
That's good.
Reese Witherspoon
And we don't have to see each other. We don't have to, like, FaceTime. Literally just a text. I like a voice memo too, I think, making a lot of deposits. I keep saying this over and over again. It's really on my brain.
Amanda Doyle
A Lot.
Reese Witherspoon
I think I'm in an evaluation place because during the pandemic, I think everybody reevaluated everything during the pandemic. Right. You reevaluated your job, you reevaluated your friendships, you reevaluated your relationship, your relationship with your children. I got two dogs.
Amanda Doyle
We got one extra. Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
So much behavior changed in such a short amount of time. If you think about it, like, I moved, and I've really been. To be honest, like, I've been kind of looking for friends in this new place I live. And it's hard. It's really hard. Adult friendship is hard. So I just try and tell myself to be patient. And then, of course, my husband goes out and he has, like, a hundred people to hang out with. He has, like, a standing Wednesday coffee and a Thursday night guys night. And I'm like, how did you do that?
Amanda Doyle
How did he do that?
Reese Witherspoon
We should get him here. He's the best friend ever. Aw.
Abby Wambach
Does it mean that, like, he's a really good guy? I just wonder if the barometer for friendship and, like, the requirement for friendship for men might be just slightly lower.
Glennon Doyle
Lower.
Abby Wambach
Actually. We're just gonna, like, get together and watch a sports game or whatever.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah. Interesting.
Abby Wambach
Not to belittle men here who are. Who are listening, but I. I actually.
Amanda Doyle
Think we're looking for something that's like a magic match.
Glennon Doyle
More.
Abby Wambach
More meaningful and more deep. I don't know.
Reese Witherspoon
Or fun. We're all looking to just. We get out of the house for a minute. I just wanna have some fun.
Abby Wambach
Yes.
Reese Witherspoon
And then I run back to my house. That's a lot of pressure.
Amanda Doyle
Have you ever had to end a friendship? Because this is Rhys. I feel like one of the things that's scary about friendship is, like, for marriage, I know how to get divorced. Please don't say that. There's a structure for breakup, but there's no structure for breakup, for friendship. And sometimes friendships do need to end if they become unhealthy or they're all withdrawn, no deposit. Have you ever had to break up with a friend? And how did you do it?
Reese Witherspoon
Well, I've had to break up with friends. And I. In full candor, I've handled it really poorly, and I think I've handled it really well. So it's usually probably my age.
Amanda Doyle
I got.
Reese Witherspoon
I was terrible at it when I was in my 20s, even my 30s.
Amanda Doyle
Just.
Reese Witherspoon
I kind of drift away because I'm busy, you know, I'm busy a lot. Right. But that's not fair, you know, I think it's not fair. It's important to be clear with people. And I haven't always been clear with people that as I've gotten older, I try harder to be very, very clear and succinct and without putting any sort of spin or shame on it. And I think I have to have boundaries. I guess you have to have boundaries, right?
Abby Wambach
Yeah. And, like, in your 20s, you're like, whatever, I don't have any boundaries. In your 30s, you're like, ooh, I'm learning what boundaries are. And then, like, in your 40s, you start, I think, actually establishing, especially with friendship, because we don't have any time. You know, like, you've got kids, you've got your jobs. When I want to get with my friends, that is a slice of, like, special time.
Amanda Doyle
And the clarity is a beautiful thing. Just the not drifting and being clear with people is a gift you can give them because it causes discomfort on your part in the moment, but less pain, probably, on the other part. In the long run.
Abby Wambach
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
Because the slow fade is. Is torturous.
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah. It's not cool. And I have to be honest, I don't feel good about some. Some of the friendships that I, you know, in my 20s, I drifted away from because I didn't know how to have the conversation.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
I just didn't know how to do it.
Abby Wambach
Yeah. I want to switch gears. I think that you and I and Glennon, too, but I think that in the sports world and in Hollywood, there's the old boys club, and you've experienced it, and you've somehow not only survived it, but you've been able to thrive. How did you experience the old boys club, first of all, in Hollywood?
Amanda Doyle
Yeah. What's it like? Good times?
Reese Witherspoon
Well, I started when I was 14, so I was. Just felt so lucky to get a shot. You know, when you have a dream and then you get a chance, you'll do anything. Like, I would do anything to have that shot at a movie. I would stay up all night, whatever they said, work all night, you know, don't sleep or come in the next day, three hours later. And I would do anything because it was my dream to be an actor and a storyteller. To that end, I think I endured some stuff that really wasn't appropriate. I know wasn't appropriate. And as a kid, I didn't fully understand because the grownups in charge told me it was okay. Now that I'm older and I look back on it, I think, God, I was part of a system that had no rules. And still a lot of entertainment industry doesn't have a lot of rules. There's some really loose stuff going on, you know, and. And I think. I think what I did with that and those memories, because they kind of came up for me around 2017, like, really strongly around all the cases that came out. I don't even want to say these people's names because they don't deserve us to say their names. But, you know, who abused women in my industry. And I got so charged by it. And I think I. I'd already started hello, sunshine. So it's somewhere underneath. I was already like, I have to leave this business a better place than the way I found it. Cause I don't want the next young Reese to have to go through what I went through. I want her to feel safe. Just because she wants to be an actress doesn't mean she deserves to be treated poorly, talked down to sublimated, paid less, and told that she doesn't matter. And to shut up, shut up and be quiet was a lot of what we were told. During 2017, when Time's up started, I actually started sitting in circles with women who had done what I frequently. We're the only woman on set, especially for a lot of us who came up in the 90s, I was the only girl on set a lot of the time, and a little girl, too. I'd have a caregiver or what, you know, rehearsals and things would happen, and I got to sit with other women, had similar experiences. And it was such a healing moment for me to know that, like, all of them had felt that way, all of them had been treated that way, and collectively, we weren't going to do it anymore. We were going to stand up for people, and we were going to lock arms with each other, and we were going to protect women in our industry and other industries. And that was a really meaningful time for me. 2017, when we all went to the Golden Globes and were black.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
Because we know the majority of the money that's made off of the red carpet photos is off of the women and their dresses and their clothes. It was a sign of solidarity. It was a sign of understanding. It was also just this sign that we were all talking to each other.
Amanda Doyle
That's right. The siloing was over.
Reese Witherspoon
There's nowhere to hide anymore. And I've had girls call me and say, I need to talk to you about something that happened over here on this side. I needed you to call this person, that person. And we do it. And I want to Say. I do want to say something. There were incredible male allies. They didn't come forward. They didn't make it about them. They didn't put a badge on themselves. They just did really, really impactful things behind the scenes. And I will be forever grateful.
Amanda Doyle
That's so good to hear.
Abby Wambach
Yeah. And what you just said, Reese, at the beginning of. Of this answer for me actually changed my life, and I have to, like, just point it out, is I've carried a lot of shame with me in terms of my alignment at times with the good old boys club, because that was part of survival in the late 90s, early 2000s. And I've carried some shame with me. And you said it was your dream and you would do anything to follow your dream and achieve your dream. And that is what I was doing. And I've been holding myself with this kind of shame around me, feeling like, oh, I was misaligned. So I just want to thank you for that. That was really healing for me.
Amanda Doyle
That's the ugliness of it. They know that these people have dreams, and they leverage it.
Abby Wambach
Yep.
Reese Witherspoon
Well, also, someone's bad behavior doesn't get to steal your dream. Right. One bad system doesn't get to stop you from becoming Abby Wambach. You don't get to stop me. You don't get to make the rules of my life.
Abby Wambach
That's right.
Reese Witherspoon
And if I have to quietly work inside a system that does not make room for me to be a leader. Like, there was room for me to be a white blonde lady in a movie, but was there room for me to be a leader? I wouldn't say when I started, no. And then to step into a little more power. A little more. I have trouble with the word power, but a little more responsibility, a little more leadership. The ability to control my own material, to give thoughtful filmmakers and female writers an opportunity to tell their story in their own words. You can't take that from me just because your system doesn't allow it. I'll make it happen. I mean, I feel lucky that in this lifetime, honestly, I can't believe it happened. Sometimes I pinch myself. Like, I make someone cry. Like when we. When we sold hello, Sunshine. I just sobbed, y'all. I just sobbed and sobbed because it wasn't about the money. It wasn't. I didn't. I didn't need that. Right. For me, it was like, women matter.
Abby Wambach
Yes.
Reese Witherspoon
And women's stories matter. And that's my life mission. Right. It's not about me and I needing an award or a thing. I mean, they're all very nice. I really appreciate them. But what my life work is when my life purpose lined up with my work, and suddenly I was doing this work that changed other women's lives. And I got calls that were like, I could afford a house for the first time in my life. And my. My kids going to college. I have economic stability because you picked my book club book. That's the stuff, y'all, where I pinch myself. And I think I am so lucky on this earth to be able to take what I was given and then just move it over there. Right?
Abby Wambach
Yeah. I mean, luck is one thing. You're also a business mogul. Like, you're just like such a badass. And you are a leader in not just Hollywood, but the business world. It's amazing.
Reese Witherspoon
Well, thank you, honey.
Amanda Doyle
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Glennon Doyle
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Abby Wambach
Back you've earned on your credit card.
Glennon Doyle
At the end of your first year with cash back match. Wait, what? Yep, double the cash back is something so good you might do a triple take. It pays to Discover. See terms@discover.com credit card.
Amanda Doyle
For the pod squatters. Like, it's such a different thing to be an actor, which is an incredible thing, but you're still Someone else is producing it. Someone else is controlling the story. Someone else is doing the whole thing. And then to say, no, no, I want to be part of the creation of that. Like how, Rhys, how does. Because we have the way that Boys Club works when it's overt abuse and then the unsiloing of women, which I think it's so cool. Just like your Mommy and Me yoga class. It's like you were alone. And then friendship. I'm starting to understand why friendship has been so important to you. How does it manifest when now you're at the table? Because that's different. When you are trying to be now one of the power players. Because I actually love the word power. I think when people like you get power, it's a very good thing. How does it manifest in your life now?
Reese Witherspoon
That's such a good question. I sit sometimes in those board meetings, those tables, and I watch the way people behave. I think in my 20s, I would have tried to emulate their behavior. But now I bring myself to it and I think there's a reason I'm there. I was uniquely chosen to be there at this moment in time and that my perspective as a woman, as a mom, as a consumer of media matters, the way I watch my teenagers and what they're interested in versus what a boardroom full of people think is important. Women just inherently have this incredible knowledge base, right? But we're not empowered to use it in the right way. We're certainly not chosen to be on boards and to run companies. And if we are, the glare of the spotlight is so harsh and so difficult for female CEOs and women in the C suite. It's tough. But I think I'm going to show up with my whole self and hopefully create value for everybody here, but also create space for more women to Sydney.
Amanda Doyle
Seats and do it as you.
Reese Witherspoon
But it's not what I thought I'd be doing. I never thought I'd be doing this. I didn't grow up in the corporate world. I don't. I'm an actor and learn lines. But I've been in a business for 30 years and I've watched what works. I know what stories work. I can read a book. And I can tell you that's a good movie. That's not gonna be a movie. And I can tell you exactly which studios will buy it and who's not interested. And I can say, okay, that's gonna be a TV show, that's a movie, but that's a podcast. I just know from Copious amounts of reading and understanding and analyzing the business. I don't think I felt empowered until I met my husband. And he said, and I was so frustrated about women not having better parts and better scripts. And he's like, babe, you read more than anybody I know. Literally, you tear through books. Why don't you just buy some of them and start developing them? And I was like, I guess I can. And I said, should I do it with a studio? He's like, no, self fund yourself. Like, he just gave me incredible amounts of support, but also business acumen. Half the time, I say stuff that he says. I'm sure everybody's annoyed me.
Amanda Doyle
I do that, too. Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
But I can see it between y'all, too. I mean, even when I. Abby, the Wolf pack speech, I was like, oh, stuff in there feels like Glennon. But then that's so Abby. And I love that speech. The metaphors in it are so beautiful. And I think great partnership is about what you pull from each other. What you love about your person, what they see in you, you don't see in yourself. And I'm telling you, he is my number one fan. He's like, you go get him, babe.
Amanda Doyle
That is. And he choose people. When you talk about, I didn't know I would be doing this, but I'm thinking about your mom and when you were little and you had anxiety when you were little.
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
And I read somewhere that your mom. Your mom's a nurse.
Reese Witherspoon
She.
Amanda Doyle
Back then. I know, because we were going through mental health stuff at the same time, probably as teenagers, that mental health was so stigmatized back then. But your mom said, no, no, no, we don't ignore this. We go at things. We go at things. So that's in your blood, going at things. Right?
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
Would you say that? What are you going at right now? Oh, the whole frickin world.
Reese Witherspoon
She's going, no, I haven't really told anybody that. But I made a pact with myself not to film anything for nine months.
Abby Wambach
Wow.
Reese Witherspoon
And that's really hard for me. And I know that sounds like, oh, nine months. That's really hard for me. I have a very busy brain. I like to have that sense of accomplishment. I like to be on set. My girlfriend goes, I really like it when you're not doing acting and filming. And I was like, but I love it. She was like, no, I know you like to do what you do, but it has been a challenge for me. But it was a challenge where I wanted to get quiet and you can't find your next steps. Forward. When you're racing around and making yourself busy and not giving yourself space to think about, who am I? What. What do I want next? What is the next chapter of my life look like? It's huge, you know, I feel like I have time and space to do it. And a lot of times when I feel uncomfortable, I just go to work.
Amanda Doyle
Yes.
Reese Witherspoon
And I gotta not do that. I gotta not do that.
Amanda Doyle
Right.
Abby Wambach
When I was transitioning from soccer to this life, a friend said, think of it like going and watching a trapeze person. They're swinging from rung to rung. And where you are right now is you're kind of just holding on to each rung. Because I was really struggling to let go of my past, and I was really scared to step into a future, an unknown. She said, you're just holding on to each rung. She said, but why do people go and watch trapeze artists do their thing? She said, it's to see what happens in the middle, because that's where the magic is. And I was like, oh, shit. So I let go of both rungs, and I was like, okay.
Amanda Doyle
And then I was like, hi, I'm Glennon.
Glennon Doyle
Yeah.
Reese Witherspoon
But didn't you put your arms up in the air?
Amanda Doyle
Yes, I did, Grace. I did lose my shit.
Reese Witherspoon
I love your dorky self.
Amanda Doyle
It makes me so happy because I'm.
Reese Witherspoon
Just such a huge dork. When I love people, I just. It comes out of my face, out of my body, out of my arms. I just. I, like, explode with joy and love for people. And it's a lot. It's a lot to deal with.
Amanda Doyle
Do you feel that? Do you feel that a lotness? Like, too muchness? Because I have. I have the theory that everybody either thinks they're not enough or too much. Nobody. I've never met a woman who's like, yes, I believe I am the correct amount. What the hell is that? I don't know.
Abby Wambach
Yeah, I kind of do.
Reese Witherspoon
Exactly. I think I'm too much.
Amanda Doyle
Too much. You're too much already.
Reese Witherspoon
Too much for people to deal with.
Abby Wambach
Well, I have been. I think that I'm the right amount.
Amanda Doyle
Oh, my God. Of course. You're the one.
Abby Wambach
I feel like. I feel like I've come into a sense of maturity. When I was playing soccer, I was too much, okay? But now that I stopped interrupting people so much, I'm feeling like I'm better.
Amanda Doyle
Well, I want to be clear. I don't think women, any women are actually too much or not enough. I just think that's the structure we're given.
Reese Witherspoon
Exactly. Please say that again.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah. No woman is too much or not enough.
Reese Witherspoon
Why are we told that? Like, that was untamed for me. Was this unlocking of all of the constructs that don't hold water for me anymore. This idea of the perfect woman or the perfect yet showing up in society with everything that is weighing down on us. It's just crushing. You understand why women are burned out and tired and don't feel appreciated because we're always told we're not enough. I think we're always told we're not enough or sit down and shut up.
Amanda Doyle
That's right. That's right. It's very convenient to decide that every woman is one or the other.
Reese Witherspoon
But, Abby, let me ask you this. You never get in a conversation with somebody, you have like a heated argument with somebody or a really passionate argument, and you never slink away going, God, I wish I hadn't said all that.
Abby Wambach
I don't have post mortem remorse about conversations.
Amanda Doyle
And it's all I have. It's all I do.
Abby Wambach
We actually talk about this a lot.
Amanda Doyle
I'm already thinking right now about the things during this hour I wish I didn't say, like, that's all I do.
Abby Wambach
Yeah. But I think that part of this has to do with I have gotten male privilege because of the way I present through my life and because of sports. So I have a sense of male privilege that maybe you both. Because the way you present and the way that you've been received in the world, it just might be slightly different.
Amanda Doyle
So that's interesting.
Abby Wambach
I think that that's kind of interesting.
Amanda Doyle
So you obviously played the iconic role of Elle woods. And because everyone, I mean, everybody knows Elle woods, but because of Elle's beauty and popularity and femininity from Legally Blonde. Just right from Legally Blonde, she was constantly assumed to be not smart enough, not serious enough, not powerful enough to be at the table. She earned her way to. And I think this about this a lot because misogyny is one of the most powerful forces in our world, in our country for sure. And there's a special slice of misogyny that's reserved inside of people for women who are very feminine. So do you, Reese Witherspoon, relate to Elle Wood's plight?
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah, I think the reason. I think there's a million reasons why she resonates with people. Right. Her drive, her ambition, her determination, you know, beyond what people thought of her. But I don't think there's a person on earth who hasn't felt underestimated. It was really important to me, as we were building that story, that we have this scene with her mom and dad where her dad says, honey, you can't go to law school. That's for boring people. Boring, ugly people. And then her boyfriend dumps her and says, you can't. What are you doing here? You don't belong here. Everyone has felt that, that need to prove yourself, to value yourself. I still think about that movie and how it kind of stands alone in a genre.
Abby Wambach
Yes, it does.
Reese Witherspoon
I can't. And it's odd. It's really odd, right, that there haven't been more films about a woman with ambition accomplishing something. Then I look at Tracy Flick, which is the other side of that, right?
Amanda Doyle
Yes.
Reese Witherspoon
And she's reviled for being ambitious. Right. One is perceived as stupid and one is perceived as a shrew or overly ambitious. But it's interesting. I mean, there's a whole spectrum of female behavior that we haven't seen on film, really, because women aren't telling the stories. I don't know. I really. I love Elle woods for what she brings to people. Can I tell you one funny story? Yes. So I got. So I was. I got divorced. I was about 31 or 32. And I was in that weird state after my divorce where I was like floating, you know, like, who am I? Where am I?
Amanda Doyle
I know it.
Reese Witherspoon
I had two little kids and I was like, oh, what am I doing? And I got called for jury duty.
Amanda Doyle
And enough is enough. Enough is enough.
Reese Witherspoon
I go to jury duty. I'm thinking, they're not going to pick me. Like, why would they pick me? Goes to the first day and they ask me all these questions. They're like, no. Juror number 11, sit back down. We need you to stay. I'm like, say, okay. And then I'm like, okay. And then I'm like on the phone crying to my girlfriend. And they're like, juror number 11, you've been selected for the jury. Oh, my God. It was a five day trial. No, I was there every day from 8:00 to 3:00. No, like a little break at lunch with all my fellow jurors. And we went on the last day into deliberations to decide whether or not this woman was guilty of this crime. And they said, well, we have to pick a foreman for the jury. And literally all of them turned and pointed at me and said, you're going to be the foreman. And I said, me? Why am I going to be the foreman? They said, because you're a lawyer.
Abby Wambach
No, I knew this. I knew exactly why this is going.
Amanda Doyle
Nope.
Abby Wambach
Al W. Is in the room on the jury.
Amanda Doyle
My God.
Reese Witherspoon
But let me tell you something. It made me think, if you could call for jury duty, you better show up. Because if any one of us is on trial, you want nice, thoughtful people and those juries.
Amanda Doyle
That's right.
Reese Witherspoon
Because people did not understand the law. And I only knew enough about the law for being L. Wood that I was like, no, no, no. You don't get to say guilty or innocent. You have to say if the lawyer proved it or not. You don't get to say one of them goes, she looks guilty. No, it's like, that's not how this works.
Amanda Doyle
Well, that's my favorite story of the entire year. That's amazing also, Reese, that it's so important to have stories on television because those people in that jury saw you as a leader because they had seen you as a leader on television. We don't.
Abby Wambach
Even if they were wrong in some.
Amanda Doyle
Way, just the images of women in power, they're like, elle can do it.
Reese Witherspoon
What?
Amanda Doyle
Like, it's hard.
Reese Witherspoon
Jury duty. Yeah. Oh, my gosh, guys, I'm not even kidding. How many letters I get from girls say, I went to law school because of you in other countries. I went to this thing in Washington, D.C. and it was 200 female judges from around the world. And we were all speaking in front of them. It was so moving and emotional that I gave a speech, and they were clapping so much. And these girls came over and they were from China, these 10 girls. And they said, we went to law school because of you. And I was like, that's amazing. The power of media and film. That's why every time I get tired, I think when people say, oh, you're so busy. You're so busy. We're making up for thousands of lost stories.
Abby Wambach
That's right.
Reese Witherspoon
Years and years of our stories not.
Abby Wambach
Being told so good.
Reese Witherspoon
When I look at my friend Ava DuVernay or Mindy Kaling or Tracee Ellis Ross or Kerry Washington, and we are working our tails off just to get these stories on film. Because we're making it for lost time and lost stories. And I think it's going to be amazing to see what the next generation feels inspired because there's been a lot of paths cut just in this past.
Amanda Doyle
10 years and the way you tell the stories. Because I think when I'm thinking about Elle and her rise to power, one of the most important parts of that story was her female Friends in that story. I mean, like you and Selma Blair who were supposed to hate each other and then came together or, you know, I'm taking the dog. Like, all the friendships, we say that once a week, somebody comes into the kitchen, picks up honey and goes, I'm taking the dog.
Reese Witherspoon
How much do we love Jennifer? Cool.
Abby Wambach
Get out of here with her.
Reese Witherspoon
She's.
Abby Wambach
She's a family fave, for sure.
Amanda Doyle
You've got these months where you're gonna sit with yourself.
Abby Wambach
Yes.
Amanda Doyle
It's so wise. Because if we don't get into it, we don't get into creative mode. We're just in reactive mode. Right?
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah.
Amanda Doyle
Uncomfortable. What are you gonna do? We always have a next straight thing. So in these last couple minutes that we have together, what do you do during your downtime that is nourishing for you? Because I love your friend. That said, she doesn't love you acting, because that means she loves you for you. Right? She doesn't.
Reese Witherspoon
So sweet.
Amanda Doyle
It's so sweet. So, like, what is nourishing and life giving for Reese? Not like work Reese, but.
Abby Wambach
And do you, like. Like this time or you hate it? Like, what's going on inside?
Reese Witherspoon
Yeah. Depends on the day. Sometimes I'm really bored. It's okay. I haven't been bored in a long time. But one thing that has just given me pure joy and energy is I paint with my mom on Tuesday mornings. She has this little group of. They're 80, between 75 and 80 years old. There's five of them, and we do watercolors, and for three hours, no one looks at their phone. They literally just eat cookies, have coffee, and do watercolors, and it's a delight.
Abby Wambach
Wow.
Amanda Doyle
I love that. I love your mom. Just freaking love you.
Reese Witherspoon
And your mom, I mean, she's the love of my life. That's what I did. Wild. It was, like, all about her mother being the love of her life. And my mother is just the greatest love.
Amanda Doyle
Oh, God. With that, Reese Witherspoon. Thank you for being even more you behind the scenes than you are in front of the scenes. You're just. You're just a love bug. And thanks for being out there doing the hard things. Thanks for telling women's stories. Thanks for caring. Go be with your family. We just.
Reese Witherspoon
We're grateful for you. I love you guys. Thank you for saying that. And I love you guys so much. Honestly, every time I see you, I just. Just have joy bursting out of my face. Just allow me to hug you.
Abby Wambach
Same with us.
Reese Witherspoon
I can tell you. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel brave and seen.
Abby Wambach
Thank you for paving a certain path that will last for hundreds, hundreds of years. Forever. You are making women's life not just in Hollywood, but women's life in production, in business, in private equity. The deal that you were able to come to with hello Sunshine is life changing for women in every industry because they can see that it's possible, precedent setting.
Amanda Doyle
Yeah.
Abby Wambach
Reese, you are. You are a friend. You are inspiration. We love you and thank you for being with us today.
Amanda Doyle
And the rest of you, don't forget this week when life gets hard, Reese says we Can Do Hard Things. Okay, we'll catch you back here soon. Bye.
Reese Witherspoon
Foreign.
Amanda Doyle
If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the POD helps you because you'll never miss an episode, and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the We Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right hand corner or click on Follow. This is the most important thing for the pod. While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey. Our executive producer is Jenna Wise Berman and the show is produced by Lauren Legrasso, Allison Schott, Dina Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.
Release Date: January 19, 2025
Hosts: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle
Guest: Reese Witherspoon
[02:11]
Abby Wambach warmly welcomes Reese Witherspoon, highlighting her multifaceted career as an actress, entrepreneur, producer, and New York Times bestselling author. Amanda Doyle details Reese’s accolades, including her Academy Award for portraying June Carter Cash in Walk the Line and her nominations for Wild (2014). They also mention her roles in beloved films like Legally Blonde and television series such as Big Little Lies and The Morning Show.
[05:14] – [07:27]
Amanda Doyle draws parallels between her own life and Reese’s, noting their shared experiences of early motherhood, marriage, divorce, and remarriage with blended families. Reese reflects on the significant difference between her 23-year-old self and her 46-year-old self, sharing heartfelt memories of her early motherhood:
“[05:39] Reese Witherspoon: ...I have to make a decision or make choices when you're that young and you don't know who you are yet...”
She emphasizes the loneliness she felt living in LA and how finding a community through a “Mommy and Me” yoga class was transformative.
[09:01] – [12:27]
The conversation delves deep into the value of female friendship. Reese discusses her admiration for female authors like Glennon Doyle, Cheryl Strayed, and Liz Gilbert, noting how their writings provide comfort and a sense of not being alone. Reese shares a pivotal moment from Love Warrior that changed her approach to friendship:
“[11:27] Reese Witherspoon: ...actively listening as a friend, sitting in quiet understanding... was a light bulb moment for me.”
Amanda acknowledges Reese’s exemplary friendship, pointing out how she consistently shows up and maintains life-giving connections.
[13:02] – [17:27]
Amanda poses Reese questions about understanding and building meaningful friendships. Reese conceptualizes friendship as a “deposit and withdrawal system” where mutual support and contributions are essential:
“[13:36] Reese Witherspoon: Friendship is so much, but it's a deposit and a withdrawal system... you can't take a withdrawal if you haven't made a deposit.”
She shares anecdotes, including moving to Los Angeles post-college and how reaching out to a neighbor led to her best friendship. Reese emphasizes the bravery required to make the first move in forging new friendships.
[29:38] – [36:49]
The discussion shifts to the pervasive "old boys club" mentality in Hollywood. Reese recounts her early days in the industry, acknowledging the lack of rules and inappropriate behavior she endured:
“[30:07] Reese Witherspoon: ...I was part of a system that had no rules...”
She speaks passionately about founding Hello Sunshine in 2016 to create a safer and more empowering environment for women in media. Reese details the collaborative efforts during the #MeToo movement and the solidarity shown at events like the 2017 Golden Globes blacktie solidarity protest.
Reese emphasizes the importance of women telling their own stories and the impact of Hello Sunshine in providing platforms for female authors and storytellers:
“[35:55] Reese Witherspoon: Women's stories matter. And that's my life mission.”
[24:00] – [29:36]
Amanda explores Reese’s strategies for maintaining friendships as adults with busy lives. Reese advocates for regular, random check-ins and setting clear boundaries to ensure friendships remain balanced and supportive:
“[25:36] Reese Witherspoon: Random check-ins. Like, you're on my mind. What's going on?”
She admits to past struggles with drifting away from friends but highlights her current efforts to be more intentional and communicative. Reese also touches on the challenges of ending friendships gracefully, emphasizing honesty and boundaries to minimize long-term pain.
[43:27] – [46:30]
Reese shares her practices for self-care and personal nourishment, such as painting with her mother. She underscores the importance of taking time for oneself to reflect and grow:
“[55:20] Reese Witherspoon: I paint with my mom on Tuesday mornings... They literally just eat cookies, have coffee, and do watercolors... it's a delight.”
The hosts and Reese discuss societal pressures on women feeling either “not enough” or “too much,” with Amanda and Reese advocating for the affirmation that:
“[46:30] Amanda Doyle: No woman is too much or not enough.”
[47:07] – [54:44]
Reese emphasizes the transformative power of storytelling in media, sharing inspiring stories of women influenced by her work. She recounts instances where Legally Blonde inspired young women to pursue law school and shares her experiences in jury duty, highlighting how media representation impacts real-life perceptions and actions:
“[51:43] Reese Witherspoon: It was a five day trial... [jury] saw you as a leader because they had seen you as a leader on television.”
Reese underscores the responsibility and influence she holds as a media figure to inspire and empower the next generation of women.
[55:12] – [57:38]
In the final moments, Reese expresses heartfelt gratitude towards her friends and the hosts for their support and companionship. She emphasizes the importance of telling meaningful stories and being a positive force in others' lives.
“[57:19] Abby Wambach: Reese, you are a friend. You are inspiration. We love you and thank you for being with us today.”
Reese Witherspoon:
Abby Wambach:
Amanda Doyle:
Reese Witherspoon’s conversation on We Can Do Hard Things underscores the profound importance of authentic female friendships in navigating life's challenges. Her journey from a young, isolated mother in LA to a powerful media mogul illustrates the transformative power of community and support. By founding Hello Sunshine, Reese has not only created platforms for women’s stories but also redefined industry standards, fostering environments where women can lead and thrive.
Reese’s emphasis on maintaining balanced friendships through mutual support and clear boundaries offers valuable lessons for cultivating meaningful connections. Her reflections on combating the old boys club mentality in Hollywood highlight the ongoing need for structural changes to empower women across all industries.
Ultimately, Reese Witherspoon embodies the podcast’s ethos of confronting and overcoming hard things through honesty, vulnerability, and solidarity. Her dedication to storytelling and empowering others serves as an inspiration for listeners to embrace their own strengths and foster supportive communities.