We Can Do Hard Things: Episode Summary - "Save Your Life By Letting Go (of Codependency)" with Terri Cole

Release Date: April 17, 2025

Introduction to High Functioning Codependency

In this deeply insightful episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle, the trio welcomes renowned therapist and author Terri Cole to explore the nuanced concept of High Functioning Codependency (HFC). Terri Cole introduces HFC as a modern iteration of traditional codependency, tailored to individuals who are outwardly successful yet internally drained by their overinvestment in others' lives.

Notable Quote:

Terri Cole [04:54]: "High functioning codependency is for modern life. It's different. It's for how we live now."

Understanding High Functioning Codependency

Terri Cole elucidates that HFCs are often highly capable individuals who juggle multiple responsibilities, believing they are indispensable to those around them. Unlike classic codependency, which might involve dependence on someone battling addiction, HFCs extend their dependency outward, seeking to manage and resolve others' issues continuously.

Amanda Doyle [04:57]:
"I always thought that independent was the opposite of dependent. But I think the more that I look at the work that Terry is doing, I see my view as less of, oh, look, I don't need anyone, and more, oh, look, I don't trust anyone."

This reflection underscores the internal distrust HFCs harbor, masking it as hyper-independence to avoid vulnerability and disappointment.

The Daily Life of an HFC

Living as an HFC entails constant anxiety and hypervigilance, as Terri Cole explains. HFCs are perpetually attuned to their surroundings, often extending their concern to strangers, as illustrated by Amanda's anecdote about taking a stranger home from Penn Station to ensure his safety.

Terri Cole [09:02]:
"We can become codependently attached to strangers. If you're an HFC because you feel like you can, it's not just your problems and your people's problems you can solve. It's kind of anybody's problems."

This relentless involvement leads to physical and emotional exhaustion, manifesting in health issues like autoimmune disorders and chronic anxiety.

Amanda Doyle [11:29]:
"I have now x-rayed everyone's emotional state and I come home exhausted... I'm mad that I can't stop that leakage of my energy."

Barriers to Intimacy and Relationship Struggles

HFCs often struggle with genuine intimacy due to their incessant need to fix and manage others' lives. This behavior creates superficial relationships where true emotional connections are scarce.

Terri Cole [12:15]:
"When we're managing the crap out of our environment and the people in our environment, it's not that likely that we are asserting what we really want or how we really feel about something."

Amanda shares her frustration with her husband's lack of engagement in her emotional landscape, highlighting the imbalance HFCs introduce into relationships.

The Path to Recovery: Letting Go and Setting Boundaries

Terri Cole emphasizes that recovery from HFC involves a profound shift from over-functioning to interdependency, where relationships are based on mutual support rather than one-sided maintenance.

Terri Cole [07:01]:
"Interdependency actually is the opposite of, or the counter to codependence."

Key steps in this recovery process include:

1. Raising Awareness: Understanding and identifying HFC behaviors.
2. Setting Boundaries: Establishing emotional and practical limits to protect one's energy.
3. Emotional Self-Regulation: Developing a stable internal baseline to handle external stressors without overextending.

Terri Cole [16:11]:
"We are burnt out. We are out of juice. We see it. So what comes into my office is people with autoimmune disorders, TMJ and then bigger ones, cancer... Can't sleep is a huge one."

Practical Tools and Strategies for HFCs

Terri Cole offers actionable strategies for HFCs seeking recovery:

• Mindfulness and Meditation: Incorporating short, daily practices to cultivate stillness and self-awareness.

Terri Cole [28:22]:
"Meditating, or mindfulness practices... it doesn't have to. It can be literally 10 minutes in the morning."

• Boundary Setting: Learning to say no and prioritize personal needs without guilt.

Terri Cole [30:04]:
"No immediate yeses. Abby, we're not doing it. But what are we doing? We're gonna learn how to buy time."

• Emotional Fluency: Identifying and understanding one's true emotions beyond reactive behaviors.

Terri Cole [52:01]:
"We don't know how we feel. Because the moment we feel something we don't like, we get into action, we do something to change it."

Embracing Interdependency and Self-Care

Recovery for HFCs isn't about withdrawing from others but redefining relationships through interdependency. This means engaging with others out of genuine love and presence rather than obligation and control.

Terri Cole [47:18]:
"We're gonna take it back and we're gonna bring it in for ourselves and we're gonna stop being identified with how much we do and how much we do for others."

Amanda Doyle reflects on redirecting energy from controlling behaviors to self-care, fostering healthier relationships and personal well-being.

Conclusion: Living a Fuller, More Present Life

The episode culminates with Terri Cole reinforcing the importance of self-consideration over platitudes like self-care. By prioritizing one's own needs and emotions, HFCs can cultivate deeper, more meaningful connections and experience life more fully.

Terri Cole [50:30]:
"The redirect is really, Glenn, it's pretty much exactly that, that we have all of this bandwidth that we've been bleeding and that we're gonna take it back and we're gonna bring it in for ourselves."

Key Takeaways

• High Functioning Codependency is a prevalent and often unrecognized pattern in modern life, characterized by overinvestment in others' lives at the expense of one's own well-being.
• Recovery involves shifting from over-functioning to interdependency, setting healthy boundaries, and developing emotional self-regulation.
• Practical strategies such as mindfulness, boundary setting, and emotional fluency are essential tools for HFCs to reclaim their energy and foster genuine relationships.
• Embracing self-consideration over traditional self-care can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling life, free from the exhaustion of constant people-pleasing.

Resources Mentioned:

• Terri Cole's Toolkit for HFCs: terricole.com/hfc
• Terri Cole's Boundary Quiz: Available on Terri Cole's website as part of her toolkit.

Final Thoughts

Terri Cole's expertise provides a compassionate and practical roadmap for those entangled in high functioning codependency. By shedding light on the hidden struggles of HFCs and offering tangible solutions, this episode empowers listeners to let go of controlling behaviors and embrace a life of balanced interdependency and self-fulfillment.