Podcast Summary: We Can Do Hard Things – Episode: SELF CARE: How do we identify our real needs and finally get them met? (Best Of)
Release Date: March 16, 2025
Hosts: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle

Introduction: Rethinking Self Care

In this compelling episode of We Can Do Hard Things, host Glennon Doyle delves deep into the true essence of self care. Joined by her sister Amanda Doyle, the conversation transcends beyond the superficial aspects of self care, urging listeners to explore and address their innermost needs. This episode serves as a crucial reminder that authentic self care involves nurturing our inner selves rather than merely attending to our external appearances.

Defining Self Care: Beyond the Surface

Glennon Doyle opens the discussion by distinguishing between superficial self care—such as manicures, skin creams, and massages—and profound self care that attends to our inner being.

Glennon Doyle [01:30]: "There's a whole nother self we have that is on the inside that we ignore so often... We're not talking about grooming or appearance maintenance. We're talking about getting beneath the hood."

Amanda echoes this sentiment, highlighting the inadequacy of the current self care industry in truly addressing personal needs.

Amanda Doyle [03:52]: "Self care is meeting your needs... we're just throwing darts at the wall based on what the marketplace offers us as self care."

Personal Journey: From Addiction to Authentic Self Care

Glennon shares her transformative journey from battling addiction to embracing genuine self care. Her narrative underscores the importance of confronting life's hardships head-on rather than seeking escapism.

Glennon Doyle [07:06]: "The peace is the reward for going through dealing with the hard thing. The peace is not a fake thing that you use to take a break from your life."

She discusses the pivotal moment when she chose to leave her unfulfilling marriage to honor her true self, emphasizing that self care is ultimately an act of selflessness.

Glennon Doyle [11:52]: "When we abandon ourselves, we are also abandoning our children. When we abandon ourselves, we are also abandoning the world."

Gender Conditioning: Societal Constraints on Self Expression

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around how societal norms condition both women and men to abandon their true selves. Glennon and Amanda explore the detrimental effects of these constraints on personal well-being and relationships.

Glennon Doyle [13:56]: "And when we bring our truest selves to the table, then we grant permission for everyone else in our lives to bring themselves to the table."

Amanda draws parallels between toxic masculinity and toxic femininity, suggesting that rigid emotional expressions harm both genders.

Amanda Doyle [39:41]: "If that is true for men, then isn't it quite possible that it is also true for women that allowing us this toxic femininity... has had and is having very negative effects on our world?"

Emotions and Self Care: Embracing the Uncomfortable

The hosts emphasize the importance of acknowledging and nurturing uncomfortable emotions—such as anger, jealousy, and sadness—as vital components of self care. They argue that these emotions provide essential insights into our needs and boundaries.

Glennon Doyle [29:26]: "Anger, envy, jealousy, heartbreak... these are not shameful. They're helpful. Pointing us towards something that—a need that we need to meet in our own lives."

Amanda adds that recognizing and addressing these emotions can prevent destructive behaviors and foster healthier relationships with oneself.

Amanda Doyle [25:08]: "Needs demand to get met... They will get themselves met whether you're doing the work or not."

Practical Tools for Real Self Care

Glennon introduces practical strategies to cultivate genuine self care, moving away from easy escapisms toward intentional self-nurturing practices.

Glennon Doyle [35:37]: "My reset buttons... drink a glass of water, take the dogs for a walk, take a break, read a chapter of a book. They're simple, but they help me stay with myself."

Amanda reinforces the idea that self care includes setting boundaries and making conscious decisions to reduce the need for escapes.

Amanda Doyle [38:49]: "Having the hard discussions, setting a boundary, RSVPing 'No'—these are all forms of self care."

Listener Questions: Navigating Self Care Challenges

1. Sarah’s Dilemma: Finding Time for Self Care as a Stay-at-Home Mom

Sarah struggles to prioritize self care amidst the demands of caring for her young children. Glennon advises finding small, consistent moments each day to reconnect with one’s inner self.

Glennon Doyle [47:51]: "Find something throughout your day that you commit to... that you remember your soul."

2. Nick’s Burnout: Teachers During the Pandemic

Nick, a teacher experiencing severe burnout, seeks advice on managing stress when the source cannot be removed. Glennon suggests creating spaces for teachers to openly express what isn't working, fostering collective support and validation.

Glennon Doyle [51:16]: "Just say 'not this.' Let the teachers brainstorm together about what's not working."

3. Serena’s Question: Is It Ever Okay to Quit?

Serena expresses exhaustion with herself and questions the validity of quitting. Glennon humorously yet poignantly shares her approach to "quitting" as a form of essential self-care, balancing intense periods of care with deliberate disengagement.

Glennon Doyle [56:11]: "Quitting is my spiritual practice. I quit all the time."

Conclusion: Embracing the Hard Path to Self Care

The episode wraps up with a powerful affirmation that self care involves confronting and managing life’s challenges rather than avoiding them. Glennon and Amanda encourage listeners to integrate these hard-but-necessary practices into their daily lives to foster genuine well-being and resilience.

Glennon Doyle [39:56]: "We can do hard things."

They leave listeners with actionable steps to recognize their true needs and develop essential self care habits, reinforcing the episode's central message: authentic self care is about nurturing the inner self and courageously addressing life's difficulties.

Key Takeaways

• Authentic Self Care: Move beyond external pampering to address and nurture your inner self.
• Emotional Honesty: Embrace and understand uncomfortable emotions as guides to your true needs.
• Gender Conditioning: Recognize and dismantle societal norms that restrict emotional expression and self care.
• Practical Strategies: Implement simple, consistent practices to stay connected with your inner self.
• Community Support: Seek collective validation and support, especially in challenging environments like workplaces or parenting.

This episode serves as a profound reminder that real self care requires courage, introspection, and a willingness to face life’s hardships head-on. By prioritizing our inner needs and dismantling societal barriers, we can cultivate a more authentic and fulfilling life.