Podcast Summary: We Can Do Hard Things – "The 90 Second Rule: Feel Your Feelings"

Date: November 4, 2025
Hosts: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle
Guest/Therapist Contributor: (Name not specified)

Episode Overview

This episode centers on the transformative concept of "the 90 Second Rule"—the idea that emotions, when fully felt (rather than thought through or analyzed), crest and resolve on their own in approximately 90 seconds. Through candid and humorous conversation, the Pod Squad explores aging, body image, emotional processing, self-intimacy, and how many of us prolong and complicate our emotional suffering by attaching stories and solutions rather than allowing feelings to pass through. The episode weaves personal anecdotes, therapy insights, and practical examples, resulting in an honest look at how to sit with discomfort—and why that's so hard.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Aging, Body Image, and the "In Between" (00:07–11:00)

• The episode opens with a lighthearted (yet vulnerable) dialogue about aging, shifting faces, and sense of self.
• Glennon reflects on aging anxieties:

  "I'm just having that weird time of life where my face is getting older and it's scaring me." (00:25 — Glennon)

• The conversation includes reminiscing over past photos, grappling with appreciating ourselves—in our youth and not appreciating what we have in the present.
• Humor is woven throughout: confusion over whether "bosom" means chest or butt, and perennial struggles with ordering spicy food due to the meaning of "medium."
• Amanda shares:

  "You will never look younger than you do right now. This is the youngest you will ever look on this side of life." (04:36 — Amanda)

• The group talks about the discomfort of being in "the middle school of middle age"—not quite young, not quite old, feeling awkward and out of place during transitions (hair color, skincare, etc.).

2. The Plant Metaphor & Listening to Needs (08:56–11:00)

• Amanda shares an analogy of a drooping lily plant that visibly shows distress and revives quickly with water—mirroring how humans often ignore their own simple needs.
• "You are the lily. You're a droopy ass lily." (10:01 — Therapist/Guest)

3. Shifting to Couch Talk & Listener Questions (11:04–12:00)

• The hosts introduce a segment of listener questions, setting a cozy, relaxed “couch time” atmosphere.

4. The 90 Second Rule: What Does it Mean to Feel Feelings? (12:03–24:01)

• Amanda expresses confusion over advice to "feel your feelings"—noting that “doing it” doesn’t relieve her discomfort.
• Therapist/Guest shares a personal revelation:

  "It turns out that thinking about feelings is not the same as feeling your feelings." (16:35 — Therapist/Guest)

• The binary is clarified:
  • Thinking about feelings: analyzing, naming, story-making, problem-solving—this is often anxiety, not healing.
  • Feeling feelings: actually experiencing the nonverbal, physical sensation of emotion in the body.
• The Science:

  "A feeling, a real emotion feeling is like a wave... That process... lasts a maximum of 90 seconds." (16:37 — Therapist/Guest)

• Words and analysis interrupt this process, causing feelings to persist or become chronic anxiety.
• Amanda underscores:

  "It's like you're adding a wave machine with your thoughts." (20:38 — Amanda)

• Letting the sensation crest and pass without stories is likened to “parenting your inner child”—providing presence, not solutions.

5. Practicing Presence Versus Mental Analysis (29:15–33:26)

• Glennon inquires about the difficulty of identifying specific emotions vs. simply being present with the feeling itself.
• Therapist/Guest reiterates that even naming the emotion risks returning to intellectualizing—she instead practices “no words, no words.”
• The self-cleansing nature of the body is compared to a newborn breastfeeding instinctively, reflecting that some parts of healing require us to get out of the way.

6. Emotional Self-Intimacy and Sovereignty (33:26–41:09)

• The episode dives into the concept of intimacy with oneself—realizing most people have never accessed the communication system that exists solely between self and self.
• Therapist/Guest:

  “There is a form of communication that is between me and me and only me and me. That has to be the ultimate intimacy.” (34:39)

• Amanda reflects on the language trap: even “what are your feelings trying to tell you?” is misleading because it invites translation into words rather than simply feeling.

7. Impact on Relationships & Self-Regulation (41:09–44:19)

• Amanda gives a raw example of how failing to process feelings internally led her to project them onto another person, creating unnecessary mess and repair.
• This sequence illustrates the relational consequences of not riding out the 90-second emotional wave.

8. Why We Prolong Feelings—Attachment to Stories & Social Conditioning (49:06–55:34)

• The crew explores reasons people can’t sit with discomfort:
  • Desire to “solve” everything.
  • Needing to justify or prove the legitimacy of a feeling (due to shame or doubt).
  • Using others to co-regulate instead of self-regulating.
• Therapist/Guest references Elizabeth Gilbert’s definition of sobriety:

  "Any day in which she does not use another person to regulate her nervous system." (53:28)

9. Family Dynamics and Generational Patterns (56:11–68:38)

• Amanda and the group discuss how childhood environments—where children were emotionally used to regulate adults—stifle the development of self-intimacy.
• The challenge of modern, non-authoritarian parenting is emphasized:

  “It is extremely disciplined and tricky... to hold space and turn your kid back to themselves... creating space in which your kid gets to practice that and fail at it.” (63:42 — Amanda)

• Dinner-time anecdotes reinforce the idea that everyone needs to learn to regulate their own emotions.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the science of feelings:

  “A feeling is like a wave where it builds, it crests, it crashes, it's done... That process… lasts a maximum of 90 seconds.”
  (16:37 — Therapist/Guest)

• On the risk of over-intellectualizing:

  “Thinking about your feelings turns out to be the opposite of feeling your feelings.”
  (16:35 — Therapist/Guest)

• On giving up the urge to solve:

  “If I let the feeling come in its baby 90 second lifespan and then go, suddenly I have so much time and mental energy to actually solve a problem.”
  (55:35 — Therapist/Guest)

• On emotional inheritance:

  “If you grew up in a system in which your body was being used to regulate someone else's nervous system… you have learned very, very early… that this intimacy with yourself is actually dangerous.”
  (57:50 — Therapist/Guest)

• On the challenge of riding the wave:

  “It's like the journey of the warrior is this inner intimacy where there is communication of some sort that maybe is non verbal. That is your relationship with self. That is a ride. Like it's more of a ride than a talk.”
  (37:48 — Amanda)

• On non-attachment in Buddhist thinking:

  "This is the non attachment that the really smart Buddhists are always talking about. It's not like, don't like your yeti. Don't be attached to your, you know, dog... It's like this."
  (60:38 — Amanda & Glennon)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:07–04:58: Aging, identity, and humorous body image banter
• 08:56–10:07: The lily plant metaphor for needs and self-care
• 12:03–24:01: Deep dive into the 90 Second Rule and how we short-circuit emotional resolution
• 29:15–33:26: Discussing “no words” presence and the body’s self-cleansing wisdom
• 33:26–41:09: On emotional intimacy, sovereignty, and why it’s so rare
• 49:06–55:35: Why we avoid feelings; codependence in regulating emotions
• 56:11–59:42: How upbringing affects emotional processing and self-intimacy
• 63:42–68:38: Parenting, emotional regulation, and generational change

Final Thoughts

The episode closes with the Pod Squad acknowledging the cyclical and often messy nature of learning to process emotions without intellectual detours or outsourcing regulation to others. They encourage listeners to practice “riding the wave,” trusting that presence—even when uncomfortable—is what creates true intimacy with self and ultimately healthier relationships with others.

Quick Takeaways

• Feeling isn’t thinking: True emotional processing is nonverbal, embodied, and brief when not interrupted.
• The 90 Second Rule: Most feelings resolve in under two minutes if we don’t add stories or solutions.
• Attachment to stories = anxiety: Naming, explaining, or seeking justification for feelings keeps us trapped in cycles of anxiety.
• Self-regulation is learned: Many people’s struggles with emotions stem from childhood dynamics where feelings weren’t allowed or children were used to manage adults’ emotional states.
• Parental modeling matters: Practicing emotional self-regulation instead of fixing for or relying on others helps both adults and children build resilience.
• Intimacy begins within: Developing a relationship with one’s own inner world is vital, sacred, and usually neglected.

Call to Listeners: Practice sitting with your feelings for 90 seconds—and see what changes. As Amanda says, “Let us know what you’re thinking or feeling, and we're gonna practice riding the wave.” (69:23)