The Advice That Changed Our Lives

Summary

We Can Do Hard Things: Episode Summary - "The Advice That Changed Our Lives"

Release Date: October 30, 2024

In the poignant episode titled "The Advice That Changed Our Lives," hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the transformative guidance they've received throughout their lives. This episode serves as a heartfelt exploration of personal growth, self-sovereignty, and the intricate dynamics of offering advice, especially to the next generation.

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1. Embracing Self-Sovereignty

Amanda Doyle introduces a profound shift in her perspective inspired by Justina Blakeney. Sharing a memorable lunch encounter, Amanda narrates how Justina redefined her understanding of autonomy and decision-making.

• Timestamp [04:15] - Amanda Doyle:
  "Justina said, 'No sorrys. It's self sovereignty.' And she proceeds to tell me about how she has recently decided that the decisions that she is making that make her feel better are understood to her to be from a place of self sovereignty..."

Abby Wambach enthusiastically supports this concept, highlighting the blend of self-care and communal good.

• Timestamp [07:17] - Abby Wambach:
  "Justina's very queenly. Everyone should just go to her Instagram at Jungle O and just see how amazing this is."

The hosts discuss how self-sovereignty empowers individuals to make choices that benefit not just themselves but also their "realm"—a metaphor for their immediate communities and loved ones.

• Timestamp [08:24] - Amanda Doyle:
  "You can choose yourself or you can choose your people. And so I choose my people."

2. Navigating Parental Advice on Love

A compelling dialogue unfolds as Abby and Amanda share their contrasting approaches to advising their children about love and relationships.

Abby's Perspective:

Abby emphasizes fostering an open-hearted approach in her children, encouraging them to embrace love without fear of heartbreak.

• Timestamp [25:35] - Abby Wambach:
  "I want to hold you by the shoulders and say, there is nothing wrong with you. And perhaps the only thing that has ever been wrong with us is the wild wrong idea that there is something wrong with us."

Amanda's Perspective:

In contrast, Amanda shares her hesitance to fully endorse her children's romantic pursuits, stemming from a place of protective caution.

• Timestamp [24:10] - Abby Wambach:
  "I was like, oh, isn't it cute and funny...you can't do that."

This honest exchange underscores the delicate balance parents strive to maintain between protecting their children and encouraging their personal growth.

3. Inspirational Advice from Sara Bareilles

Guest Sara Bareilles shares a transformative moment with Carole King that encapsulates the essence of overcoming self-doubt and embracing one's true potential.

• Timestamp [42:54] - Sara Bareilles:
  "Carole just put her arm around my waist, and she's like, 'Get out of your own way. Go do the thing. Just like, get out of your own way. They already love you.'"

Sara's recounting of performing alongside Carole King at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame serves as a motivational beacon for listeners to trust in their abilities and step into their greatness.

4. Heartfelt Wisdom from Mrs. Tina Yalen

The episode takes a nostalgic turn as the hosts reflect on the invaluable lessons imparted by Tina Yalen, Amanda and Abby's seventh-grade government teacher.

• Timestamp [48:12] - Tina Yalen (Voicemail):
  "There is nothing more worthy of delight than when people you love give you their time. I feel this delight with many of my former students...Authentic, honest, thoughtful, insightful, curious, kind and funny."

Abby shares a touching story about Tina's unwavering support during a pivotal moment in her life, emphasizing the enduring impact teachers can have.

• Timestamp [45:45] - Abby Wambach:
  "Mrs. Yalen said, 'You're already doing that [creating a community]. What could be worse than a church with walls? When you have a church without walls.'"

Tina's voicemail encapsulates the episode's overarching theme: the profound influence of genuine, heartfelt advice from those who believe in us.

5. Reflections and Closing Thoughts

As the episode draws to a close, Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach reflect on the diverse pieces of advice shared, acknowledging the complexity of interpreting and applying guidance in one's life journey.

• Timestamp [43:20] - Amy Bleakney:
  "The more you give, the more you get. It's so cliche, but it's really so true."

The trio reiterates the importance of surrounding oneself with a supportive community and remaining open to evolving one's understanding of truth and personal growth.

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Notable Quotes

• Glennon Doyle at [36:16]:
  "It's about being the expert of you and just doing that whether or not people understand it."

• Amanda Doyle at [41:22]:
  "Responsible means able to respond. Responsible doesn't mean coming with your script..."

• Abby Wambach at [37:28]:
  "I know the world is gonna teach us. Every heartbreak of my life was the most important lesson I needed to learn."

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Conclusion

"The Advice That Changed Our Lives" is a deeply introspective episode that invites listeners to ponder the wisdom that shapes their lives. Through personal anecdotes, guest insights, and heartfelt conversations, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle underscore the resilience required to navigate life's challenges. This episode not only celebrates the guidance received but also empowers listeners to seek and value the advice that aligns with their authentic selves.

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Whether you're navigating personal growth, parenting challenges, or seeking inspiration, this episode offers relatable and transformative insights to help you "Do Hard Things" with courage and authenticity.

Transcript

[Glennon Doyle]

It's hard to find a great mentor who can help me level up my dream mentor, Amy Poehler. So I was really excited when I heard she had a class on Masterclass. With Masterclass you can learn from the best to become your best. It's the only streaming platform where you can grow with over 200 plus of the world's top experts. For just $10 a month, an annual membership gets you unlimited access to every single instructor. One of the classes that really stood out to me was James Clear's course on building new habits. I had been struggling with consistency and his practical advice helped me create a daily routine that's actually sustainable. Plus, every new membership comes with a 30 day money back guarantee. Right now our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual [e-mail] hardthings that's 15% [e-mail] hardthings don't wait. Start learning from the Best Today.

[Abby Wambach]

The holidays are a time for family, friends and of course shipping gifts. But you don't need to stress about that. Turn to the United States Postal Service to handle all your holiday shipping needs with an enhanced network. USPS serves over 167 million addresses six and seven days a week. And if you're looking for an affordable option, USPS Ground Advantage has you covered reliable shipping with upfront pricing and no hidden costs. So why not take your packages on a true holiday ride this season? Visit USPS.com HolidayRide to start shipping. Okay pod squad, today we are remembering the best advice we've ever received. This is good stuff. If this doesn't help you, I don't know what the hell. Okay, this is helpful. Today we talk about how to honor your needs and become the ultimate expert of you. Why we all need a friend who believes in our greatness, how to encourage your kids to live open hearted and why my truest thing in the whole world is that I don't know anything. Plus, we hear from two pod treasures, Sara Bareilles and my seventh grade government teacher Mrs. Yalen. They both give us their best advice. Do not miss these words of wisdom. Let's jump in. Welcome to We Can Do Hard Things. You are in for a life changing week we hope on this pod because what we have decided to focus on this week is the best advice we have ever received. The advice that has changed our life or helped us see the world in a new way that has made a real difference in our life. So what we are saying to you POD Squad is that if your life is not a little bit better after this week, then we have not done our jobs. Then we will give you all of your money back that you did not pay. Listen to this pod. So what we have decided to do is this first episode is going to be the best advice that Amanda, Abby and I could possibly offer you. Then we have a little treat from Sara Bareilles and a special guest. And then Thursday's episode is going to be all of the best advice that we have collected from the pod squad. You all called in your life changing advice and damned if it didn't help us a hell of a lot. So stick with us for this week. We're going to fix life. That's our small ambition. We're going to fix life this week together. Let's go, sister. No pressure. You're first. What's the best advice you've ever heard?

[Amanda Doyle]

Damn. Okay, so most recently, I don't think it was meant as advice, but it was a shift that I have internalized as advice. So Glennon, you and I were having lunch and this incredible woman, Justina Blakeney.

[Abby Wambach]

Oh God, Jugalo, she's the absolute best.

[Amanda Doyle]

Yes, yes, she's amazing. I was sitting beside her at the lunch and they brought around this dessert tray and she said, are there any non dairy items on that tray? And there were like five delicious things. And the gentleman said, oh no, there isn't. And she was like, okay, I pass. And I looked at her and I said, oh my gosh, you don't eat dairy. And there's no choices here. And I'm so sorry, do you want me to go ask if they have anything else? And she said the following. She said, no sorrys. It's self sovereignty. This is what she says to me. Not, sorry, self sovereignty. And she proceeds to tell me about how she has recently decided that the decisions that she is making that make her feel better are understood to her to be from a place of self sovereignty as opposed to like something that is happening to her or like something the world is doing to her.

[Abby Wambach]

Depriving. It's not depressing.

[Amanda Doyle]

Depriving her of.

[Abby Wambach]

Yes.

[Amanda Doyle]

It's not deprivation. It is a decision that she is making of her own authority instead of something that the world is imposing on her. And I thought, well, I'll be damned. And so she said, yes, it's self sovereignty. It's for the good of the realm. For the good of the realm. So her world is her realm, her family, her people, her ecosystem, her business. And when she decides that something is good for her, she makes the decision through her own Self sovereignty, and then declares it for the good of the realm.

[Abby Wambach]

And then she waves her arm, Please understand. She waves her arm as if she's.

[Amanda Doyle]

Gesturing to her realm, to her broad and bountiful realm.

[Abby Wambach]

And she says, for the good of the realm.

[Amanda Doyle]

And I have taken that internally as my new thing that I like to say. So if I'm going on a walk and. And the house is chaotic and there's too much to do and it's vastly inconvenient for everyone involved, I just wave my hands as I walk out the door and say, for the good of the realm. And then I do what I need to do.

[Abby Wambach]

Can we get into that a minute? Because that is funny and beautiful and queenly. Justina's very queenly. Everyone should just go to her Instagram at Jungle O and just see her so that you can, like, understand how amazing this is. What Justina has done is reframe the entire bullshit of but if I do this thing for myself, it's selfish. I can choose myself or I can choose my people. And so I choose my people. No, you can't. False dichotomy. When you serve yourself and make the decision for yourself, that flows out into everyone else. And they see your power and they see your strength and they get permission to be that way.

[Amanda Doyle]

And even if they don't, it doesn't matter if. If they don't pick up the message, who the hell cares? You know that you are doing it for the good of the realm. Whether they see that or not or understand it or not, that is their business. Your business is to be self sovereign and to be the expert of yourself and to do the thing that you need to do and then declare it for the good of the realm. And all of the minions in the realm may or may not appreciate this about you.

[Abby Wambach]

It's so true. We can't tell.

[Amanda Doyle]

It reminded me of episode 33 really early on when we were talking about what the hell does brave mean? And maybe brave is just being the expert of you and just doing that whether or not people understand it. That's the self sovereignty part. It's like, no, I'm doing this not as a reaction to a collective decision and understanding that this is the right thing for me. I'm just doing it because I alone am the expert of me. And that's the sovereignty part. And then I also know that as the leader of this realm, what is good for me is good for you, whether your ass knows it or not. Yeah, for the good of the realm.

[Abby Wambach]

And I know I'm probably for you focusing too much on the other person. But I think what people think is what that means is what is good for me is the same thing that's good for you. So we're good. And I don't think that's what it means. I think it means what's good for you is to see me doing what's good for me so that you too will understand that you need to do what's good for you.

[Glennon Doyle]

Yes.

[Abby Wambach]

It's a modeling of a process, not a particular thing that's going to be good for everybody. So let's think of some things that pod squatters can do for the good of the realm today. Like, for example, if you're home and your whole family is driving you batshit, and you walk into your bedroom and you're going to take a nap before you go close the door, you yell out your door for the good of the realm. And then you close the door.

[Amanda Doyle]

Yes. And then you.

[Abby Wambach]

This sort of thing.

[Glennon Doyle]

Well, and I just want to say, I think that there's so many folks that are listening right now that are probably thinking, that sounds nice in theory. How do I begin this? Right. Like, it does take an act of bravery to begin this escapade, this like active adventure into becoming self sovereign. And I think that one thing that I have learned from Justina is that she is regal. And that kind of regal honor that she gives herself actually makes me want to do that for myself. And so when I think about our children and I think about all the things that especially teenagers, they don't really listen to necessarily the words that are coming out of our mouths, but they watch what we do. And if we are acting in service of ourselves, then they will start doing that for themselves. And I just, I know that it's hard, but just try it.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah, I love it. I love it.

[Amanda Doyle]

It reminds me of like I walk around, I'm like so good in all these areas, and I'm like, oh, isn't it cute and funny and kind of quirky that I'm not good at taking care of myself? That's bullshit.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah.

[Amanda Doyle]

The self sovereignty. That is the difference between the people we see as martyrs and the people we see as regal. In the ultimate self integrity sense. You can't be both. You can't be sovereign and not be sovereign over yourself.

[Abby Wambach]

That's right.

[Amanda Doyle]

Then you're not sovereign. You're something else. You're like you're performing goodness. But when you apply the same wisdom in decision making and the same efficacy towards Yourself as you do to everything else in your life. That's when you are a realm creator. That's when you're really doing it.

[Glennon Doyle]

That's really good.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah. And when you're, you know, the sovereign thing versus, like the servant thing, which is what I was always taught in Christian culture, like, be a servant, be a servant, be a servant. There is such a bitterness that comes with that that you can't help but be when you're in that place. And that sort of bitterness of martyrdom is such a burden for people around you, like for your kids, for whatever. It's like such a shift in giving them a gift and a baton of freedom as opposed to giving them the burden of knowing that you really believe in your heart that you're dying for them. And Justina's like, I'm living for you. My role is to live for my realm, not to die for my realm.

[Glennon Doyle]

It's really good.

[Amanda Doyle]

Yeah. It also, for me, it makes me more comfortable around people and trust people more and feel less self conscious or insecure around people who I know are this way. I have a friend, Laura, who does what she wants, who says what she thinks, who will not do things begrudgingly or what she doesn't want to do. And the freedom and ease I feel around her because I'm never questioning, oh, is she mad about this or is she, does she really want to do this? That is all taken care of. Like, she wouldn't be doing it if she didn't want to do it.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah.

[Amanda Doyle]

There's just like a freedom in that in a relationship, because there isn't this questioning. Yeah.

[Glennon Doyle]

You know what you're going to get?

[Abby Wambach]

Trust. Trust. Yeah. Love it. It reminds me of what Lizzie said to me when I was trying to decide whether to leave my marriage. That was sort of already broken, but I was giving her the whole spiel of like, but he's a good man and he's this, and he's going to be sad forever. And I can't do this to him, and I can't do this to him. And she said, it's so clear that you are desperate to liberate yourself. And what you need to remember is that there's no such thing as one way liberation. I know we've said this before, but I'll say it again every sixth episode. When you're tied to somebody who you're not supposed to be with or you're in a place you're not supposed to be and you're staying out of some sense of obligation when you're in a shitty relationship, whether it's a friendship or whatever, the other person is usually not also living their best life. When you decide to remove yourself from a situation that is not meant for you, it automatically gives the other person liberation to find where they were meant to be or with whom they're meant to be. It's for the good of the realm, as it were. As it were, yeah.

[Sara Bareilles]

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[Justina Blakeney]

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[Abby Wambach]

Mmm.

[Justina Blakeney]

Now that's pretty good. Learn [e-mail] baskets Investing involves risks, including risk of loss. Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC Member nyse, SIPC.

[Abby Wambach]

Babe, do you have a best advice?

[Glennon Doyle]

Yes.

[Abby Wambach]

Oh, great.

[Glennon Doyle]

I do. I've been given a lot of advice in my life and mine is a little bit two pronged because I've evolved it in my own personal way, which I think is really important in all pieces of advice, because blanket statements may be good for you. But not totally long ago when I was training on the national team, somebody said to me, and I can't even remember who it was, so long ago they said, you never know how good you can be unless you try. And that really, really rang true for me because on the national team, our whole thing is like, we're just pursuing growth and excellence. Sometimes that means we win. Sometimes that meant we lost. I mean, we won more than we lost.

[Amanda Doyle]

Let the record show.

[Glennon Doyle]

Yeah, let the record show. But as an athlete, you're trying to make these marginal gains. And every single day you're going out and you're trying to get a little bit better, a little bit better. And it can become really difficult in your mind to understand, like, well, what. What am I doing this for? And you're searching for a dream or a goal that's never been attained, and how does somebody do that? And honestly, it's like the continuing to show up every single day and to try to get those marginal gains. But the other piece of this puzzle that I didn't understand until my coach, Pia Sundar, came into my life is that you can believe in something, but you also. I believe deeply in my bones that you have to have a community around you that also believes in that something too, for you. So a lot of the people who are in sports are like, when you have goals, write them down and when you have a goal, tell somebody about it. But Pia in 2011 just kept whispering in my ear, and I think I've talked about this before, she just kept whispering in my ear, best player in the world 2011. Best player in the world, 2011. And I didn't know that that was a thing that I could even be thinking about as something to strive for. And so she just kept reinforcing this thing the beginning of every camp, she would whisper in my ear, now, I didn't win it in 2011. I ended up winning it in 2012. But it's something that was like this little dream bubble inside of me that I couldn't necessarily communicate to the outside world because it felt so surreal and so unattainable. And then this other person comes into my world, and she starts putting this idea that rang true to me in my head and in my body, that it's like the universe made it happen. I honestly don't believe that I had much to do with it. I know that I had to go out and play and do my thing, but because from the time that I was a little kid, I was dreaming about something that wasn't even possible. Dreaming about being a professional athlete. Dreaming about playing women's soccer wasn't even a professional sport. Dreaming about it, dreaming about it. And the only reason why I was able to actually fulfill this thing that wasn't even possible when I was a child is because I tried. You know, so. So many of us, we start our lives, and we think about our days, and we think about our dreams, and so many of us. I don't know, I feel like if you don't try, you will never, ever have a chance at whatever your dream is. And so it's the idea that, yes, you never know if you can do something unless you try. And surrounding yourself with just one other person that might believe that to be true, too.

[Amanda Doyle]

Yeah.

[Glennon Doyle]

That's why I'm, like, the biggest believer of all of us in our family.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah. And I feel like this is something that's really a difference or, like, a point of friction in our family, and. Right.

[Glennon Doyle]

Like, yeah.

[Abby Wambach]

Abby, in many ways, has been, you know, in Michelle Obama's episode, she talked about, like, Barack Obama being her biggest disruptor, and vice versa. And Abby has been, for sure the biggest disruptor in my world, meaning, like, a lot of my worldviews, a lot of my ideas about the way things work, she just challenged. And so I'm in a lot of more flux than I used to be. Now the way this dreamer believer thing plays out, it's like every good thing can also be a challenge. Right. So with the kids, one of the kids applying to college, and Abby's like, I believe you're gonna get into every single college that you apply to. Now.

[Glennon Doyle]

You should have seen Glennon's face when I said that.

[Amanda Doyle]

This is irresponsible recklessness.

[Glennon Doyle]

It is.

[Abby Wambach]

That's what I said. Like, I smiled in the moment. And then we went in the thing, and I was like, you can't do that. First of all, we could do a whole nother episode on the unbelievable impossibility of college for kids right now and getting in, but I am so much more comfortable or I feel like it's more responsible or kinder to hedge bets, because I'm so afraid that if Abby says this amazing thing is going to happen, and I believe then if it doesn't happen, the kid will feel like it's a disappointment. Like, Abby will be disappointed. And so my take is like, we don't know what the hell's gonna. Of course we believe in you, but we don't know this process. We don't know the world. And so anything could happen. And no matter what happens, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna work through it. You likely couldn't get into all the college. And then we go the other way. Like, one of our kids is dating someone, and I can't take it. Oh, my God. We didn't have a lot of dating before for the older kids. It feels so scary.

[Glennon Doyle]

What did you say to our kid?

[Abby Wambach]

So when a child falls in love, it is the most out of control, scary thing in the world for a parent, because, let's face it, it doesn't end well. It just doesn't end well.

[Glennon Doyle]

Is that true?

[Amanda Doyle]

If I'm a betting man, I'm going on ex nay with a love.

[Abby Wambach]

A right. But I'm going to explain to you what I did, and then I don't want any voicemails about it. I want the pod squad to know that I know this wasn't the right thing to do. And I am growing, and I am telling you in a vulnerable way, and I have learned since then. But what Abby wants me to tell you, so I will tell you, is that my kid came home, she's in love, we did the whole thing. Yay. Yay.

[Glennon Doyle]

Was when she first came home with a massive crush.

[Abby Wambach]

A crush, Right?

[Glennon Doyle]

Yeah.

[Abby Wambach]

Okay. And I said to her, we got in the car, and I said, baby, do you know why they call it a crush? And she said, why? And I said, because it always crushes you. Like, in the end. It's like it feels good and happy and butterfly and open, but it will crush you. There is going to come a moment where it all breaks bad, and your little heart is going to be smushed and crushed. I said that to my child. Okay? That is what I chose to say to my child about love. Love wins. Love warrior. You will be crushed.

[Amanda Doyle]

Carry on warrior.

[Abby Wambach]

Right.

[Amanda Doyle]

Until you're crushed.

[Abby Wambach]

And I got home and I explained to Abby the conversation that we had. And Abby looked at me like a murderer. And I was a murderer. I was a murderer of love.

[Amanda Doyle]

Different kind of love Warrior.

[Abby Wambach]

But I guess these are diverging paths of advice. The hopeful it will happen. You can do it. Now I want to tell you something. Abby keeps telling our children that these amazing things can happen that I feel like are reckless and then they keep happening. So I don't have a lot of proof for my worldview yet, but I know eventually it's gonna all break bad and I'm gonna be right.

[Glennon Doyle]

It's not about being right though. My belief in whatever they want to go for in their life doesn't mean that they are going to always get it. But one thing I know that is certain is if they don't try, that is what the failure is. If they don't try to go after the things that are the most important to them, that they feel the most passionate about, that they feel most pulled to do. If you don't try to go towards those things, that is when you actually fail. It's not whether they get into every college or not. I just think it's more important for a person on this planet to feel something, to be activated and to be drawn to the thing and to go for it.

[Abby Wambach]

I just wanted to say I like your way better.

[Glennon Doyle]

Oh.

[Abby Wambach]

And like I feel. Because I think the goal is for them to have their hearts open. I think what I was telling is I'm so scared that your heart's gonna be broken that I'm telling you this right now so you will keep part of your heart closed. And that is the opposite of what we want. We want our kids to go into the world open hearted and try. It's like, it's like the idea of like, yeah, the world will break us, but we're not gonna break them first. Like let the world tell them they're not good enough. Let the world whatever. But they're not gonna not find belief from the people who love them the most.

[Glennon Doyle]

And also, I don't think the world is going to break us. I think the world is gonna teach us. I think language does matter here. Like every heartbreak of my life was the most important lesson I needed to learn.

[Abby Wambach]

I know.

[Glennon Doyle]

And it sucks to watch your kids go through it. You're the one who said grab your kid's hand, walk them through the fires of their life. Because what our job is is to teach them that they are fireproof.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah, that advice was for other people. No, I 100% know you're right. It's just the fear in me that shows up and then wants to protect. And protecting your kids from their lives and from love is tragic.

[Glennon Doyle]

I think it's ironic though, because you are one of the most fearless lovers. You love these children. I don't know, maybe it's a protective measure for yourself.

[Amanda Doyle]

For sure it is. 100%.

[Abby Wambach]

What do you mean?

[Glennon Doyle]

What are you going to say?

[Abby Wambach]

Tell me more about that.

[Amanda Doyle]

Well, first of all, I want to say, Abby, your part about trying to curb. Like, you would never have had the audacity to say I want to be the best player in the world unless someone else affirmed it for you as a conceivable goal. And so what you're doing is trying to say, like, don't tamp down your potential. Don't self edit your dreams. Be as audacious as you want to be, or that any part of your desires wants to be, because that's how you find out. And so that's a beautiful thing because of all the self editing that happens, especially with girls. Is that too ambitious? Is that too aggressive? Is that whatever it is. And then G bird, of course, it's like they're loving reading a book and it's the best and they're falling in love with the characters and whatever. And you're like, well, I just want to tell you because I see you just. And the story ends this way. Best story. So are you sure you want to keep going? Are you sure you want to keep going? I'm preparing you. But that's not the way. It's a fiction. Like, that's not going to. That's not going to change what they decide to do, you know, it's gonna end that way, very likely. And you just have to wait for it to play out.

[Abby Wambach]

And it's not gonna stop the heartbreak part. It's just gonna poison the love part. It's just gonna poison.

[Amanda Doyle]

Or it's gonna poison her relationship with you, because I doubt it even poisons the love part. You're giving yourself a lot of credit of getting through to her. There's no way in hell that she believes.

[Abby Wambach]

But put something in the back of her head that maybe. I don't know.

[Amanda Doyle]

I don't know. I think she's probably just as in love as she was gonna be before you said that and is gonna be just as crushed as she was gonna be before you said it. Yeah, it's a fiction that you think that you're gonna prevent it.

[Sara Bareilles]

It's just.

[Glennon Doyle]

Yes. But it's also a truth that Glennon is searing into that when it happens, because it will likely happen at some point in her life. She will get heartbroken. She will remember when her mom said this to her and she will remember that, oh, yeah, my mom. And so that's the moment. It's not now. It's when it happens. Is that she might draw that conclusion.

[Abby Wambach]

Like in a bad way, you mean?

[Glennon Doyle]

I think so. You've rebounded from it. We've had the conversation because I was like, that's ridiculous. That's not right.

[Amanda Doyle]

Yeah.

[Abby Wambach]

We circled back, circled back, circle back, and just psych.

[Amanda Doyle]

Everything's great. It's going to be awesome. You'll probably get married.

[Abby Wambach]

No, we explained that it was mom's fear and that sometimes she tries to control beautiful things by warning everyone that they will end exactly.

[Tina Yalen]

This holiday season. Surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts. Tickets to see their favorite artists live. Choose from thousands of concerts and comedy shows, including, including Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Matt Matthews, Metallica, Thomas Rhett, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Sarah Silverman, and so many more. Share a memory together or give a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift for every [e-mail] gifts that's livenation.com gifts.

[Sara Bareilles]

I will never forget one of the most fun, easy, non stressful Thanksgivings we ever had. And it is a time that Glennon decided, forget it. With all of this wild, wild preparing and never enjoying. Let's go on up to Whole Foods and get the entire Thanksgiving dinner. And I mean everything. We didn't know that you could order.

[Amanda Doyle]

Ahead at the time. So we just went through like the hot plate section and literally just filled up a bunch of these little bins and brought that home. Like sliced turkey pieces. Yeah.

[Sara Bareilles]

It would have been better to know everything about Whole Foods Market at that point because what you can actually do is order this ahead. They have brine turkeys that are perfect for frying, giving you that crispy, golden goodness we all crave. They have organic spiral cut bone and ham. All of the sides, all of the delicious desserts. You are the perfect toast. And why are you the perfect toast? Because you're relaxed. Because Whole Foods did the food. Get your holiday party started at Whole Foods Market. Whether you need the whole feast, just the bird, or a couple of sides, Whole Foods Market has you covered. Just remember to place your order online by November 26th.

[Amanda Doyle]

Birdie, what is your best Advice you've received.

[Abby Wambach]

So here I want to tell my precious beloved Pod Squad this, that I have been thinking about this episode for several weeks. Usually what I tell myself is, think about this interview today, and then I think about it all day. This one I have been thinking about forever. And I find it amazing because I am a human being who has written lots of books with what could be considered advice in it, who has been talking for a decade and a half with what could be considered advice, I guess. And what I want to tell you is that I could not think of anything. And when I say that I could not think of anything. Finally, yesterday morning in my yoga class, I was like, oh, I think you're just supposed to talk about how you don't have any. I don't think it's going to pop into your head and you're going to have the thing. I think the thing is that you're supposed to talk about how at this point in your life, there is nothing that I can think of that I could say is correct and true. All the time. I keep thinking about that Ernest Hemingway thing. Like, all you have to do is write one true sentence. That was advice to writers. But if you told me that that was my assignment right now, I could not do it. I cannot think of any set of words that I could say that feel like they would be applicable to everyone at all times. Like, the truest thing I know right now is, I guess, just like sitting in a room with someone. I got this tattoo a decade and a half ago. It says, be still. Like that. No, that's not true all the time. Like, sometimes the last thing I need to do is be still. I need to move my ass.

[Amanda Doyle]

Suzanne Stabile just came on here and said your ass needs to be doing.

[Abby Wambach]

Which is true, right? Like, make a boundary. You know, I boundaried myself up so much that I turned into a freaking island that no one could reach. Love everyone. No, I extend myself so much and then I get bit in the ass. Like, no, it's like, I don't know anything. That is what I'm telling you. I don't know anything. And I find it feels a little bit alarming.

[Glennon Doyle]

I mean, you are the most serious person I have ever met in my whole life. First of all, you are the smartest person I've ever met. And also, this simple exercise you can't do is the most amazing thing. And it's true for you.

[Abby Wambach]

It has driven me batshit. But what I'm telling you is I don't think that I'm not smart. I'm not saying I'm not smart, so I don't know anything. I'm saying I think I am finally smart enough to know I don't know shit.

[Glennon Doyle]

Oof.

[Abby Wambach]

I think I am.

[Amanda Doyle]

So do you not know shit about you, or do you not know shit to say to someone else? Because there's a difference. Are there true things you can say about you?

[Abby Wambach]

No.

[Amanda Doyle]

Oh, okay.

[Abby Wambach]

What I know is that I got sober when I was 25 years old. I'd been lost. Addiction. Since then I, 25, started having babies. Baby, baby, baby. Building the business, doing all the things, telling all the people, saying all the words. I have not been in touch with my own self and my own body and the fluidity of being human and being a creature on the earth. And so what I know is what I need to do or want to do or feel into next. And so I can't put that into words because it won't be true in four minutes.

[Glennon Doyle]

Fuck. It's annoying how true this conversation is.

[Abby Wambach]

What I know is that I can have moments of truth with another human being, that I can feel truth when I'm outside, that I can feel the truth of love when I'm next to someone. But putting things down into words and saying that this is true, I don't. I can't. I can't do it. I feel like that in itself is a moment of freedom and truth for me.

[Amanda Doyle]

But you have gotten advice in the past that has led you to that. I remember when Martha Beck told you, go towards what feels warm and go away from what feels cold. That was advice that triggered you to understand that you weren't in touch with yourself as a creature and that there was a thing that would eventually, if you paid attention to it enough, feel what felt warm and what felt cold.

[Abby Wambach]

Yes. And then there was a moment in my life this year that when I got an anorexia diagnosis, that nothing felt harder and more horrible and colder than going towards the understanding of that diagnosis. And then I still knew that I needed to do that. There have been guiding forces. I would say right now, the closest I could get. I thought about this one. I thought about saying this one. I was talking to Liz Gilbert about some things and. And my relationships, and she said something very simple that was. It is amazing how when you take care of yourself, the universe takes care of everything else. I know that sounds so simple, but that is where I am right now. That is not. I don't think that's possible for you with your Children's ages. I don't. It was true for me when I had a bunch of little kids in a new business. There are things like principles that have guided me well through certain periods of my life and then are completely untrue in the next part of my life.

[Glennon Doyle]

It's like, is truth even possible? Like, what is truth?

[Abby Wambach]

Togetherness. I think aligned is a good thing for me right now. Like, I feel like I need to be aligned, meaning when I am doing the things that keep me calm, when I'm staying present, when I'm getting fresh air, when I'm drinking my water, when I'm doing my stretching, when I'm doing the most basic things, I seem to be prepared. Not in a way of, like, I used to be prepared. I used to prepare by overthinking, by controlling, by making sure I knew everything that was going to happen. Now I feel like preparedness is a common nervous system, is being so filled up that I can respond that I can be responsible, Meaning I can respond to something someone says or some. A problem someone brings to me in kindness and like a feeling of joy and not scarcity. I can be prepared, meaning I am fully here, I'm fully calm. And then that makes me feel aligned. Sometimes recently I'll be like, I can't believe that, like, that happened. And then I was able to say that thing. Whereas had I been stressed and busy, I would not have been able to meet that moment. There is, like, an alignment that comes with really being in touch with what is happening inside my body. And I need in the moment. And then I'm able to meet what other people need in the moment, what the world needs from me in a moment in a way that I haven't been able to do before, because I've come with too many preconceived notions and advice and rules and expectations and whatever. And now it's like everything is constantly shifting.

[Glennon Doyle]

And I think for a person like me, the way that you're thinking and talking about this feels the most true, but also it feels like the most scary because I like to have more structure.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah. It's like advice is dogma. It's like a religion. Like, it's, you know, we put together all the words and then. Yeah, and then what if it's not true tomorrow?

[Amanda Doyle]

When you said that, I just realized for the first time ever that responsible means able to respond. I mean, responsible doesn't mean coming with your script of exactly what you need to say and exactly what you need to do, because zero part of that Involves a response that's just a soliloquy or a sermon. But when you are able to respond, then you're responsible. Huh. That'll get you thinking.

[Abby Wambach]

You think of responsible as like, I have taken on all of these burdens. I am responsible for this, for whatever, as opposed to responsible being what I've done, whatever I need to do to be able to respond fully to what comes in this minute, in this hour, in this whatever.

[Amanda Doyle]

Mm.

[Abby Wambach]

So once again, I fucked up our advice episode.

[Glennon Doyle]

Sure.

[Amanda Doyle]

Have I really tried to get you to say something.

[Abby Wambach]

Love wins.

[Amanda Doyle]

Sara Bareilles will tell us something. We asked her when she was in that amazing episode 141, one of my favorite episodes ever, how to remember Yourself. And she came back to tell us her best advice. So let's hear from her on that.

[Abby Wambach]

So, Sarah, what is the best advice that you've ever received from another human being that you keep with you and how.

[G]

Carole King. It's easy. This one's easy. I was standing side stage at the Rock and Roll hall of Fame induction ceremony. I was honoring Laura Nero, and I was singing a song of hers, and I was standing next to Carole King, and that was the first time I ever met Carole King, who was a hero of mine. And I was so nervous. I was singing a song I didn't know that well, honoring an artist I didn't know that well. All my imposter syndrome stuff was, like, so loud, and I was, like, just shaking in my boots, standing side stage, getting ready to go on. And Carol just put her arm around my waist, and she's like, get out of your own way. Go do the thing. Just like, get out of your own way. They already love you. And, I mean, she was the same way. We performed together on the Grammys a couple years later singing Brave and her song beautiful. A mashup of that. And she's just a real beacon of, like, if I could, I'll have what she's having. Like, she's got so much generosity of spirit. The coolest people I've ever met are not holding on to any of it.

[Abby Wambach]

You know what I mean?

[G]

Like, they're just like, there is enough for everyone. Give it away. Generosity of spirit. Go do the thing. You're so badass. There's so much to give, and the more you give, the more you get. It's so cliche, but it's really so true. And that was a moment I'll never forget. And I fucking killed it.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah. Yes. And she got a kick out of herself on that Stage, I bet.

[G]

And I looked so cute.

[Abby Wambach]

Of course she did.

[G]

My hair was behind my ear.

[Abby Wambach]

Does it get better than Sara Bareilles?

[Amanda Doyle]

It does not. Indeed.

[Abby Wambach]

Oh, my God. So before we wrap our first advice episode, I want to talk about one of the best advice givers that I've ever known in my life. I would say Liz Gilbert. And then Mrs. Yellen. Okay, Mrs. Yellen.

[Glennon Doyle]

She's gonna be pissed.

[Abby Wambach]

I know. Okay, Tina. Tina Yalen is my seventh grade government teacher. Okay. She has been in my life since seventh grade.

[Amanda Doyle]

Also my seventh grade government teacher.

[Abby Wambach]

Yes. Yes. Tina Yellen. She still comes to our house. She now loves Abby. Maybe even more than me.

[Glennon Doyle]

Not sure.

[Amanda Doyle]

She sends me cookies every Hanukkah.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah, she sends cookies to us, too. She's been a guide and a sage and a friend to so many of her students. Here's just one story about Mrs. Yale, and there's been 7 million. But a lot of years ago, I decided to become a minister. Okay. Like, a real minister.

[Amanda Doyle]

Meaning applied for and got accepted to a seminary.

[Abby Wambach]

Correct. I applied. I just wanted you to know. And got accepted to seminary. Okay. I was going to become a minister of a church. And honestly, this had always been a little bit, you know, momastery. I started it because of my obsession with monasteries. When I was little, my mom told me that I took my first career aptitude test. It came back and said I should be a nun.

[Amanda Doyle]

Okay, that's interesting.

[Abby Wambach]

So this has always been in me, right? So I call Mrs. Yellen, and I'm like, I just got accepted to seminary. I'm going to go to seminary. And she goes, why? I said, well, because I just feel like I want to be, like, the leader of a church. Like, I want to create a community of people who are doing good things and who are loving each other and the truest, most beautiful little world I can imagine. And she goes, you're already doing that. And I said, what? And she said, you already have a church. And I said, no, I wanted, like, a church with walls. Like an actual church, not like an Internet church. A church with walls. She goes, what could be worse than a church with walls? When you have a church without walls.

[Glennon Doyle]

Already.

[Abby Wambach]

Why do you need walls?

[Amanda Doyle]

So what, you. You're going to seminary to get walls.

[Abby Wambach]

That's what you're doing. And so I said, okay, I'm. I guess I'm not going to seminary.

[Amanda Doyle]

Mrs. Yellen, please send more cookies while I process this new information.

[Abby Wambach]

Mrs. Yellen said, no. Thank God.

[Amanda Doyle]

She's the best.

[Abby Wambach]

So the reason we're bringing up Mrs. Yellen is because Tina, Beloved Tina. Sorry, she's. The man said, I called, yelled at.

[Glennon Doyle]

Us the last time she was here. She said once and for all, she goes, call me Tina.

[Abby Wambach]

She goes, I heard you call Michelle Obama Michelle. If you can call Michelle Obama Michelle, you can call Mrs. Yellen, Tina. So Emily from our team sent us an email with a voicemail in it the other day, and she said, I think your friend Mrs. Yellen left us a flight, Tina. So just please listen to this. Pod Squad, this is the Tina Yellen leaving a voicemail on our mission and.

[Amanda Doyle]

A good time to shout out all the teachers everywhere who are. Not only do they do talk about ministers of the people.

[Abby Wambach]

Oh, my God.

[Amanda Doyle]

Do God's work every damn day for all the people. Remember, she was going through the National Board certification process when. During the time we had her, which is the highest certification you could get for teachers. She was doing that to do it. Like, just to do it. And Bobby's teacher this year, Mrs. Hughes, she was going through the same process. And teachers are so badass.

[Abby Wambach]

Side note, when I was an eighth grader, I was so in love, like, deeply, passionately in love with this boy named Chris who was a senior. Okay. And he was like, you were in eighth grade? Yeah, but he didn't know who I was. I just was, like, I was infatuated and obsessed.

[Amanda Doyle]

It was a crush. It's called a crush because it's going to crush you.

[Abby Wambach]

It did crush me. Chris was so hot, and he had long blonde hair. He was a total metalhead. I was a total metalhead. Headbanger's Ball was my favorite show. I was in love with the Zombies Festival. Janie Lane. Sebastian Bach. I wanted to marry Sebastian Bach.

[Glennon Doyle]

This story sucks.

[Abby Wambach]

Skid Row. Well, I mean, here's the deal. They all had really long hair.

[Glennon Doyle]

Yeah.

[Abby Wambach]

But so it was my. It was a gateway. The point being that I was just obsessed with a senior named Chris. And then I walk into, like, Senior teacher day. And Mrs. Yalen had arranged for Crisp to be the teacher because she knew that I was so obsessed with him. And then she put me right in the front row.

[Glennon Doyle]

Oh, boy.

[Abby Wambach]

And I was so excited. And she just sat there and laughed at me. The whole.

[Glennon Doyle]

Okay, I hate this story. I hate any crush stories that you have.

[Abby Wambach]

All right, let's hear from Mrs. Yellen.

[H]

Hi, this is Tina Yalen. I don't miss an episode, but this is the first time I've actually called in. You asked about things that delight us and I just knew I had to respond. I am hit with intense delight whenever you invite me into your home for a visit and give me a couple of hours of your precious time. We talk about things light and deep, we laugh, we might shed a tear. But every time I leave, I am deeply joyful, knowing I was given a gift. To me, there's nothing more worthy of delight than when people you love give you their time. I feel this delight with many of my former students, like you, Glennon, who have chosen to keep me in their lives. And grateful doesn't even begin to capture that for me. I'm already looking forward to our next visit. The only thing that would make it even more delightful would be if Amanda, who was also a student of mine, were there with us. To all of you podcasters out there, know this. These incredible women are exactly who you think they are in person. Authentic, honest, thoughtful, insightful, curious, kind and funny. I love them, and nothing gives me more delight than being in their company.

[Glennon Doyle]

Thanks, Tina.

[Abby Wambach]

I think we should have Mrs. Tina on the pod.

[Glennon Doyle]

We should. I tell you what, she comes over and this woman is just a ball of energy, what she calls herself. She's a whip. A work in progress.

[Abby Wambach]

Yeah.

[Glennon Doyle]

And I love that.

[Abby Wambach]

And I will tell you, I just remembered. She says something to me repeatedly when she leaves our house each time. And I think this one might be true. She says to me, because she looks.

[Amanda Doyle]

Way, people, Glennon's about to admit that something might be true.

[Abby Wambach]

No, no, no, no, no. I actually don't. She listens to every, every single podcast, so she knows all of our stuff and all of our struggles. And so she grabbed me by the shoulders before she left last time and she said, glennon, please understand that there is nothing wrong with you.

[Amanda Doyle]

Now that is some good ass advice.

[Abby Wambach]

So I can admit that that is true for everyone else. Hot squatters, a ridiculous human. What I want to say to you is I want to hold you by the shoulders and say, there is nothing wrong with you. And perhaps the only thing that has ever been wrong with us is the wild wrong idea that there is something wrong with us. Yeah. And I think what Mrs. Yellen is trying to say to me after 70 years on this earth, is, please stop wasting your precious time on this planet thinking that you are a mystery to solve when there is so much beauty to just enjoy.

[Glennon Doyle]

Damn, it's good to end on.

[Abby Wambach]

We love you, Pod Squad. There is not a damn thing wrong with you. Love you, Tina. Aye, aye. If this podcast means something to you, it would mean so much to us if you'd be willing to take 30 seconds to do these three things. First, can you please follow or subscribe to We Can Do Hard Things? Following the POD helps you because you'll never miss an episode, and it helps us because you'll never miss an episode. To do this, just go to the Weekend Can Do Hard Things show page on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Odyssey, or wherever you listen to podcasts and then just tap the plus sign in the upper right hand corner or click on Follow. This is the most important thing for the pod. While you're there, if you'd be willing to give us a five star rating and review and share an episode you loved with a friend, we would be so grateful. We appreciate you very much. We Can Do Hard Things is created and hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle in partnership with Odyssey. Our Executive producer is Jenna Wise Berman and the show is produced by Lauren Legrasso, Alison Schott, Dena Kleiner, and Bill Schultz.