We Can Do Hard Things: Episode Summary - "The Closure Myth: How Do We Really Move On?"
Release Date: December 5, 2024
Host/Authors: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle
Introduction
In this heartfelt episode of We Can Do Hard Things, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the concept of closure—a topic that resonates with anyone navigating the tumultuous waters of loss, grief, or the end of significant relationships. Through honest conversations and shared personal experiences, the trio explores whether closure is attainable or merely a comforting myth we create to ease our pain.
Listener Question: Understanding Closure After Loss
The episode kicks off with a poignant question from a listener named Marlena (06:22), who grapples with the elusive nature of closure following the loss of a loved one. She questions the validity of closure, especially when the emotional void remains unfilled despite external assurances of having achieved it.
Marlena's Question:
"What exactly is closure, and do we ever really get closure? Love you guys so much."
Defining Closure: Personal Insights
Glennon Doyle shares her perspective, emphasizing that closure is not about closing a door but rather learning to carry the loss with us. She reflects on her own grief for her brother, suggesting that true closure might be synonymous with acceptance of the reality that loss is an enduring part of life.
[10:57] Abby Wambach: "So acceptance is the only real closure to you?"
Abby Wambach reinforces this by asserting that closure is something individuals grant themselves rather than something obtained externally. She likens the process to maintaining an open heart, referencing the metaphor of a "Swiss cheese heart"—embracing the holes and imperfections as part of one's being.
[22:20] Abby Wambach: "Closure, if it is real, is something that you give yourself."
Amanda Doyle adds depth by discussing the psychological need for closure, termed cognitive closure—the brain's desire for definitive answers to alleviate ambiguity. She explains how individuals with a high need for closure might seek out excessive information or even self-sabotage relationships to force an end.
[17:13] Amanda Doyle: "Our relationship started. Here's how it was in the middle. I need to know how it end."
The Psychological Need for Closure
The conversation transitions into the psychological aspects of closure, with Amanda elaborating on cognitive closure. She explains that those with a high need for closure often crave clear-cut answers to maintain a sense of predictability and safety in their relationships and personal lives.
[14:11] Amanda Doyle: "They're more comfortable with that. They want to know, like black and white. This is yes and no."
This segment highlights the challenges of achieving closure, especially when dealing with ambiguous losses—situations where individuals are left with unresolved questions, deepening their grief rather than alleviating it.
Relationship Dynamics and Closure
The hosts discuss how the pursuit of closure can influence relationship dynamics. Abby Wambach points out that seeking closure from another person often ends up being an attempt to gain control rather than truly finding peace.
[12:09] Amanda Doyle: "I am shutting this door right now."
They emphasize that closure is a personal journey, one that cannot be fully granted by others or by external events. Instead, it requires an internal shift towards acceptance and moving forward.
[28:19] Glennon Doyle: "I can move beyond this. I can move forward with my life."
Amanda Doyle introduces the metaphor of a "Swiss cheese heart", illustrating an open heart that embraces both past pains and future possibilities without being hindered by them.
[28:37] Amanda Doyle: "Swiss cheese heart is an open heart."
Listener Question: Navigating Geographical Settling Down
Another listener, Rebecca, poses a practical yet emotionally charged question about deciding where to settle down when both partners' families are located in different regions.
Rebecca's Question:
"We're thinking of having children and settling down, and I just don't know how we settle where we go."
Navigating Relationships and Family Proximity
The hosts offer diverse perspectives on geographical settling. Abby Wambach shares her experiences of frequent moves, attributing them to a search for personal healing and balance. She contrasts this with the desire to establish roots, highlighting the internal conflicts that arise when trying to honor both personal needs and familial ties.
[36:05] Abby Wambach: "I need to be reminded... I have that nailed."
Amanda Doyle provides a strategic approach, advising couples to tackle the decision tactically by assessing the practical aspects such as the level of support from families, the impact on their own family dynamics, and the emotional implications of living near or far from extended relatives.
[48:20] Amanda Doyle: "Do you want dinner once a week?"
She stresses the importance of clear communication and united decision-making to navigate the complexities of integrating two families into a new household without losing their own identity.
Glennon Doyle emphasizes the necessity for Rebecca to evaluate her true desires and motivations behind moving—whether it's driven by nostalgia or genuine needs for support and stability.
[36:27] Glennon Doyle: "Is it just for nostalgic reasons or is it to be closer to the family?"
Final Thoughts on Closure and Moving Forward
As the episode draws to a close, the hosts reiterate that closure is not a finite end but an ongoing process of carrying and integrating past experiences into one's present and future. They highlight the importance of embracing ambiguity and recognizing that life’s mysteries and relationships are perpetual sources of growth and understanding.
Abby Wambach eloquently summarizes the essence of closure as moving forward with an open heart, allowing past experiences to inform but not dictate one's future.
[28:19] Abby Wambach: "It's carrying on with a whole heart... Swiss cheese hearts."
Glennon Doyle adds that accepting closure means acknowledging that while the pain remains, it no longer controls one's life.
[27:44] Glennon Doyle: "It doesn't mean that this thought or feeling... will no longer control your life."
Conclusion
In "The Closure Myth: How Do We Really Move On?", Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle offer a profound exploration of closure, challenging the conventional notion that it signifies the end of grief or the resolution of emotional turmoil. Instead, they present closure as a personal, ongoing journey of acceptance, integration, and the continuous pursuit of meaning amidst life's inherent uncertainties. This episode serves as a compassionate guide for listeners seeking to understand and navigate their own paths toward healing and acceptance.
Notable Quotes with Timestamps:
- Abby Wambach (10:57): "So acceptance is the only real closure to you?"
- Abby Wambach (22:20): "Closure, if it is real, is something that you give yourself."
- Glennon Doyle (28:19): "I can move beyond this. I can move forward with my life."
- Amanda Doyle (28:37): "Swiss cheese heart is an open heart."
This summary captures the essence of the episode, providing a comprehensive overview of the discussions on closure and moving on, enriched with direct quotes and structured to facilitate understanding for both regular listeners and newcomers.