We Can Do Hard Things Episode: The Trick to Finally Becoming an Adult Release Date: July 22, 2025

Introduction

In this poignant episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the complexities of family roles and their profound impact on our journey to adulthood. Drawing from personal experiences and psychological frameworks, the trio explores how ingrained family dynamics shape our identities, relationships, and emotional well-being.

Understanding Family Roles

Amanda Doyle initiates the conversation by introducing the concept of family roles, emphasizing that each family operates as an ecosystem where members adopt specific roles to maintain homeostasis. She explains that these roles often become so entrenched that individuals are typecast, hindering their personal growth and authenticity.

Key Roles Discussed:

1. Hero (The Perfect One): Strives to maintain the family's image through achievements, masking internal struggles.
   Glennon Doyle (03:18): "The hero must prove that despite anything internally, the family must be okay because look at this shiny, bright little trophy over here."

2. Scapegoat (Black Sheep/Rebel): Challenges the family's status quo, often externalizing anger and being labeled as the family's "problem."

3. Rescuer (Caretaker/Enabler): Mediates family tensions, desperately trying to maintain peace and alleviate stress.

4. Last Child (The Easy One): Minimizes personal needs to remain invisible and reduce familial stress.

5. Mascot (Comedian/Class Clown): Uses humor to deflect and introduce levity during volatile situations.

6. Identified Patient (The Struggling One): Represents the family's internal problem without addressing underlying family stressors.

Amanda Doyle (02:01) sets the stage for the discussion by prompting listeners to reflect on their own family roles, highlighting the significance of these roles in understanding personal behavior and relationships.

Personal Experiences with Family Roles

The hosts share their journeys in recognizing and grappling with their assigned family roles:

• Glennon Doyle identifies with the Hero role, revealing how her pursuit of perfection led to deep-seated sadness and depression despite external appearances of success. Glennon Doyle (06:50): "I had a tiny bit of rebel after college, but definitely the hero made me feel one-dimensional and kind of sad."

• Abby Wambach reflects on being the Easy One, striving to remain unnoticed and reducing her needs to alleviate family stress. Abby Wambach (47:22): "I was the easy one. Also the lost one."

• Amanda Doyle shares her experience as the Identified Patient, internalizing family issues and perpetuating her own struggles as a means of maintaining her role. Amanda Doyle (17:18): "For me, what I understand is that it was my job to stay sick."

Impact of Family Roles on Adulthood

The conversation delves into how these roles extend into adulthood, affecting mental health, relationships, and self-perception:

• Glennon Doyle discusses the grief associated with realizing the facade of perfection doesn't lead to true well-being. Glennon Doyle (09:59): "It couldn't have mattered if I kept allowing myself to be miserable. If it mattered, I would have paused and been like, hey, we have a problem here."

• Amanda Doyle emphasizes the challenge of breaking free from these roles to achieve wholeness, likening it to a personal hero's journey. Amanda Doyle (10:16): "To have full lives, we are going to have to step out of this character and fight our way to wholeness."

• The trio explores how stepping out of these roles can disrupt family dynamics, often leading to resistance and relapse into old patterns. Glennon Doyle (26:42): "That's the road we know."

System Dynamics and Dysfunction

The hosts examine how family systems perpetuate these roles amidst dysfunction:

• Amanda Doyle (34:42) connects the existence of these roles to managing family dysfunction, suggesting that the roles arise as coping mechanisms to survive ongoing stress and issues.

• Glennon Doyle highlights that these roles are adaptive responses to consistent dysfunction, maintaining a semblance of order even when it's fundamentally flawed. Glennon Doyle (35:18): "We are adapting to and surviving the dysfunction. That's why you're the identified patient."

• They discuss the difficulty in eliminating dysfunction without dismantling the roles, emphasizing that the system's reliance on these roles makes change challenging. Amanda Doyle (36:59): "Everybody is doing it in this fucked up way, but it's holding on to hope."

Changing as We Age

As individuals enter their 40s, the hosts discuss how aging and new contexts influence the reevaluation of family roles:

• Abby Wambach (54:12) shares how her marriage has been a space for uncovering and healing different parts of herself that were previously constrained by family roles.

• Glennon Doyle introduces the concept of differentiation, where individuals start to discover their own identities separate from their family of origin. Glennon Doyle (55:28): "Differentiation is how you discover this."

• Amanda Doyle reflects on how new environments, such as marriage and professional settings, prompt introspection and challenge long-held family narratives. Amanda Doyle (56:32): "When you put yourself in new contexts, the context you came from becomes clear."

Strategies for Healing and Growth

The hosts offer insights and strategies for breaking free from limiting family roles:

• Beginner's Mind: Encouraging listeners to view family members with a fresh perspective, free from preconceived roles and expectations. Amanda Doyle (58:44): "Look at everybody in our life like you've never seen them before. Who are you today?"

• Open Communication: Advocating for honest dialogues within the family system to address and transcend entrenched roles. Amanda Doyle (37:29): "We are open for discussion as part of this ecosystem in unhealthy and healthy ways."

• Therapy and Self-Reflection: Emphasizing the importance of professional support and introspection in navigating and redefining personal identity outside of family-imposed roles. Glennon Doyle (14:14): "We're all gonna try to get this person better. But I don't think that we end the day, it's like it's sad to mourn that."

Conclusion

In The Trick to Finally Becoming an Adult, We Can Do Hard Things offers a profound exploration of how family roles shape our identities and behaviors well into adulthood. Through candid conversations and personal anecdotes, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle illuminate the arduous yet transformative journey of breaking free from familial confines to embrace a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Notable Quotes

• Glennon Doyle (03:18): "The hero must prove that despite anything internally, the family must be okay because look at this shiny, bright little trophy over here."

• Glennon Doyle (09:59): "It couldn't have mattered if I kept allowing myself to be miserable. If it mattered, I would have paused and been like, hey, we have a problem here."

• Amanda Doyle (10:16): "To have full lives, we are going to have to step out of this character and fight our way to wholeness."

• Amanda Doyle (58:44): "Look at everybody in our life like you've never seen them before. Who are you today?"

Timestamp Key

• 02:01
• 03:18
• 06:50
• 09:59
• 10:16
• 14:14
• 17:18
• 26:42
• 34:42
• 35:18
• 36:59
• 37:29
• 42:11
• 43:17
• 44:20
• 46:35
• 47:22
• 48:47
• 50:23
• 51:50
• 53:32
• 54:12
• 55:28
• 56:32
• 58:44

Note: This summary selectively includes content-focused segments of the episode, excluding advertisements and promotional content to maintain focus on the core discussions about family roles and personal growth.