Podcast Summary: "What Is Our Rage Telling Us? with Dr. Becky Kennedy"

Introduction

In the "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast episode titled "What Is Our Rage Telling Us? with Dr. Becky Kennedy," host Glennon Doyle, alongside co-hosts Abby Wambach and Amanda Doyle, delves deep into the complex emotions surrounding anger, particularly focusing on "mom rage." Dr. Becky Kennedy, a renowned clinical psychologist and bestselling author, joins the conversation to unpack the origins, implications, and strategies for managing rage in parenting and beyond.

Defining Mom Rage

The discussion begins with an exploration of "mom rage," a term that encapsulates the intense frustration and anger many mothers experience. Dr. Becky Kennedy clarifies that mom rage is not indicative of being a bad parent or possessing a flawed character. At [09:01], she states:

"What mom rage means is it's this combination of not having our needs met, not having any skills to manage anger, which is one of our most important protective emotions, and shame."

This definition underscores that mom rage arises from unmet personal needs and societal pressures, compounded by feelings of shame.

Causes of Mom Rage

Several factors contribute to the manifestation of mom rage:

1. Unmet Needs: Glennon Doyle shares a personal anecdote about feeling overwhelmed and eventually slamming a bathroom door in frustration ([07:02]). This act symbolizes the breaking point when personal needs are consistently ignored.

2. Lack of Anger Management Skills: Dr. Becky emphasizes that without the tools to process anger constructively, it can escalate into rage. This escalation is often a cry for attention to one's own needs.

3. Shame: Society often stigmatizes expressions of anger in mothers, leading to internalized shame. This shame can prevent mothers from seeking help or acknowledging their feelings, exacerbating the rage ([09:50]).

4. Societal Expectations: Abby Wambach highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers to be endlessly patient and self-sacrificing. She notes:

   "Moms do we even feel angry? We feel guilty." ([27:02])

   The myth that mothers can handle limitless demands without faltering creates an environment where rage becomes inevitable.

Impact on Parents and Relationships

Mom rage significantly affects the parent-child relationship and the well-being of the mother:

• Emotional Strain: Mothers often grapple with guilt and fear of judgment, believing that expressing anger means they are failing in their role.

• Intergenerational Effects: Dr. Becky discusses how coping with anger influences how mothers model behavior for their children, potentially perpetuating cycles of unmanaged emotions.

• Self-Identity: Expressions of rage can lead mothers to question their worth and capabilities, fostering a negative self-image.

  "I am a good person who is having a hard time." ([30:21])

  This affirmation helps in separating self-worth from momentary emotional lapses.

Strategies for Managing Rage

Dr. Becky Kennedy provides actionable strategies to help parents manage and understand their rage:

1. Grounding Techniques: After experiencing a rage moment, engaging in sensory breathing or naming objects in the environment can help regain composure ([31:12]).

2. Self-Compassion: Cultivating a compassionate narrative towards oneself helps in mitigating shame and promoting healing.

   "I am a good person who's having a hard time." ([30:21])

3. Reframing Anger: Viewing anger as a signal of unmet needs allows mothers to address the root causes rather than suppressing emotions.

   "When you have a rage moment, recognize it as your body telling you something important." ([13:12])

4. Setting Boundaries: Prioritizing self-care by carving out time for personal needs is crucial. Dr. Becky advises:

   "Carve out time for my mom rage course. It is an hour. And I mean this." ([45:42])

5. Practical Tools: Implementing simple changes, such as protecting blocks of time in one's calendar labeled "My needs matter. Do not cancel," reinforces the importance of self-care ([49:36]).

Societal and Cultural Considerations

The conversation also touches upon how societal and cultural factors influence the perception and expression of anger:

• Racial and Cultural Dynamics: Dr. Becky acknowledges the additional layers of complexity faced by women of color in expressing rage without facing societal repercussions.

  "In my community, anger is terrifying, is bad, is wrong. The idea that anger could be connected to self-worth is a complete 180." ([40:09])

• Privilege and Visibility: White women may find it easier to voice their anger without the same level of scrutiny or threat of child welfare interventions that women of color might face.

  "You're right. There is an inherent privilege we all have here." ([41:43])

This highlights the necessity for inclusive dialogues that recognize and address these intersecting identities.

Conclusion

The episode concludes with a reaffirmation of the importance of acknowledging and addressing rage as a legitimate emotion. By understanding the underlying needs that anger signals and implementing practical strategies to manage it, mothers can foster healthier relationships with themselves and their children. Dr. Becky Kennedy encourages listeners to seek support and engage in resources like her "mom rage course" to continue their journey towards emotional well-being.

"We love you, Dr. Becky. Your needs matter. Do not cancel." ([50:03])

This powerful closing statement encapsulates the episode's central message: embracing one's humanity and prioritizing self-care is essential in navigating the challenges of motherhood and beyond.