Podcast Summary: "What We Don’t Talk About: Raising Older Kids"

Podcast Information:

• Title: We Can Do Hard Things
• Host/Author: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle
• Episode: What We Don’t Talk About: Raising Older Kids
• Release Date: October 31, 2024
• Description: In this heartfelt episode, the hosts delve into the often-overlooked challenges of parenting older children. They share personal insights, struggles, and strategies for navigating the complex transition as children grow into independent individuals.

1. Introduction and Listener Engagement

The episode opens with the hosts expressing gratitude to their listeners and engaging in brief promotional segments for partnerships with Masterclass and Bombas. These advertisements are seamlessly integrated into the conversation but are set aside to focus on the episode's core content.

2. Listener Call-In: Laurel’s Story [04:23]

The discussion pivots when a listener named Laurel calls in with a poignant question:

• Laurel ([04:23]): “I was 15 when I had my son and 18 when his father passed. So I became a single parent. I was so young and giving so much to being a parent that so much of my identity is wrapped inside of being a mother to him. So my question is, do you have advice or ways you're dealing with this transition?”

Laurel's heartfelt inquiry sets the stage for a deep exploration of the invisible struggles parents face when their children transition into adulthood.

3. Hosts Share Personal Experiences [05:18 - 14:23]

Abby Wambach ([05:19]): Abby opens up about her own challenges, reflecting on how parenting older kids differs significantly from raising young children. She shares:

• “When kids reach a certain age, they start looking at you differently. They see you as a fallible person, not as a perfect parent.” [08:00]

Amanda Doyle ([05:18]): Amanda echoes similar sentiments, discussing the shock of seeing a parent change physically and emotionally:

• “I always thought dad was like 6'2, and one day I saw him as 5'11. It was startling to see him as he really is, not the larger-than-life figure I imagined.” [08:42]

These personal anecdotes highlight the emotional shifts parents undergo as their children mature.

4. Emotional and Identity Struggles [14:10 - 29:02]

Abby Wambach ([14:23]): Abby delves deeper into her internal struggles, describing how her identity became intertwined with motherhood:

• “I have never stopped reverse-engineering my life with my kids. Parenting older children requires more wisdom and compassion because we are all still growing.” [29:02]

Glennon Doyle ([23:03]): Glennon addresses the pervasive feelings of fear and helplessness:

• “Being a human being in this particular world is much harder than I understood it was when I was 25.” [23:08]
• “I think it's really painful to be on this planet. I'm not having an easy breezy time.” [23:43]

The hosts candidly discuss the anxiety and existential fears that surface as children gain independence, emphasizing the complexity of maintaining a strong bond while allowing for individual growth.

5. The Challenge of Individuation [25:00 - 35:42]

Amanda Doyle ([25:00]): Amanda poses a critical question about the nature of parental fear:

• “Is the fear that you can no longer choose what happens to them, or is it knowing that they get to choose what role you have in their lives?” [25:00]

Abby Wambach ([27:02]): Abby reflects on the concept of individuation—the process by which children become their own people:

• “Individuation is the moment when people realize they are separate from you and that they will decide their own path.” [27:02]

This segment underscores the inevitable shift in the parent-child relationship, where children begin to form their own identities and boundaries.

6. Coping Strategies and Insights [29:02 - 43:22]

Glennon Doyle ([31:32]): Glennon shares strategies for maintaining connection:

• “It is our job to create novelty and adventure for our children because we cannot control how they think about their childhood.” [31:32]

Abby Wambach ([35:42]): Abby introduces the idea of accepting the assassination of the parent image as part of the individuation process:

• “Children have to ‘kill’ the parent to develop their own way. As parents, our job is to not die in that process and remain a steady resource.” [35:42]

Amanda Doyle ([42:01]): Amanda emphasizes the shift from needing to being wanted:

• “You cannot need your children. When you need them, they will not want you.” [43:01]

The hosts provide profound insights into letting go, fostering independence, and maintaining a supportive presence without overstepping into neediness.

7. Embracing a New Identity [43:22 - 52:10]

Abby Wambach ([43:19]): Abby confronts her fear of becoming irrelevant:

• “I don't know if I can do it on my own, but I know that they can.” [44:37]

Glennon Doyle ([48:12]): Glennon highlights the advancements that make long-distance parenting feasible:

• “We live in an age where you have FaceTime and robots could help bridge the gap.” [48:24]

Amanda Doyle ([52:10]): Amanda summarizes the paradox of parenting older children:

• “When your work comes to fruition, your children will not need you, yet you want them to need you on some base level.” [41:05]

The conversation shifts towards embracing new roles and identities as parents, recognizing the importance of evolving alongside their children.

8. Conclusion: Acceptance and Compassion [50:25 - End]

Abby Wambach ([50:25]): Abby concludes with a message of solidarity and encouragement:

• “This episode was to make other people feel like they're doing okay. We all go through the hard, messy middle.” [50:25]

Glennon Doyle and Amanda Doyle ([52:10 - End]): The hosts wrap up by affirming their continuous journey of self-discovery and mutual support:

• “We love you and we'll see you back here next time if you're brave enough.” [52:10]

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Abby Wambach ([08:00]): “When kids reach a certain age, they start looking at you differently. They see you as a fallible person, not as a perfect parent.”

• Glennon Doyle ([23:43]): “I think it's really painful to be on this planet. I'm not having an easy breezy time.”

• Amanda Doyle ([25:00]): “Is the fear that you can no longer choose what happens to them, or is it knowing that they get to choose what role you have in their lives?”

• Amanda Doyle ([43:22]): “You cannot need your children. When you need them, they will not want you.”

• Abby Wambach ([50:25]): “This episode was to make other people feel like they're doing okay. We all go through the hard, messy middle.”

Key Takeaways

• Emotional Transition: As children grow older, parents experience a profound emotional shift, transitioning from caretakers to supporters of their children's independent lives.

• Identity Struggle: Parents often grapple with redefining their identities beyond being parents, leading to feelings of loss and confusion.

• Individuation: The process of children developing their own identities necessitates parents to let go and allow their children to make independent choices.

• Compassion and Acceptance: Embracing compassion for both the children and oneself is crucial in navigating this challenging phase.

• Maintaining Connection: Finding new ways to stay connected without overstepping helps sustain a healthy parent-child relationship.

Conclusion: In "What We Don’t Talk About: Raising Older Kids," Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle offer a raw and honest exploration of the complexities involved in parenting older children. Through personal stories and thoughtful discussions, they shed light on the emotional turmoil, identity crises, and evolving relationships that come with this phase of life. The episode serves as a comforting reminder that while raising older kids is undeniably hard, parents are not alone in their struggles and can indeed do hard things together.