We Can Do Hard Things – Episode: Why Do Birthdays Bring So Many Feels?? (Best Of) Release Date: March 19, 2025

In this introspective episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve into the complex emotions surrounding birthdays. They explore why birthdays, often seen as joyous milestones, can evoke feelings of sadness, anxiety, and existential dread. Through heartfelt discussions, historical insights, and personal anecdotes, the trio offers listeners a deeper understanding of their birthday experiences and practical strategies to navigate them with grace.

1. Understanding Birthday Angst

The conversation kicks off with Abby Wambach addressing a common listener concern: why do birthdays often trigger a flood of emotions?

Abby Wambach (06:45): "So what we're talking about is birthdays and all of the complicated feelings that birthdays bring up in us each year."

The hosts identify three primary factors contributing to birthday-related distress:

• Expectations: The unspoken hopes and desires we attach to our birthdays.
• Comparisons: Measuring our lives against others' celebrations and achievements.
• Existential Dread: Confronting the passage of time and our mortality.

Glennon Doyle (17:09): "Expectations, Comparison, Existential dread—these are the big three things that drive human beings mad, and they are all centered on our birthday."

2. Historical and Cultural Perspectives

Glennon provides a fascinating historical backdrop, tracing the origins of birthday celebrations back to ancient Egypt and Greece.

Glennon Doyle (36:42): "The first birthday recorded ever is 3000 BC. It was the pharaoh's birthday... the ancient Greeks believed that every person who was born had either a protective spirit or a demon present at your birth."

She explains how birthdays were initially seen as a time to honor divine spirits and protect against malevolent forces, a belief that adds a mystical layer to our modern-day celebrations.

Glennon Doyle (37:38): "Because we know the spirits are near on the birthday... we're going to have a lot of feelings."

3. The Modern Birthday Dilemma

Transitioning to contemporary times, the hosts discuss how industrialization and the advent of precise timekeeping transformed birthday celebrations.

Glennon Doyle (40:55): "But very interestingly, it's only been since like the 1880s that the average American celebrated a birthday... factory schedules and streetcars... life started to be run by schedules."

This shift introduced societal pressures to "stay on track," making birthdays a focal point for assessing personal progress and societal expectations.

4. Personal Stories and Reflections

Amanda shares childhood memories that highlight the contrast between exaggerated expectations and simple, heartfelt celebrations.

Amanda Doyle (28:13): "When I was in second grade... my mom showed up at our school on my birthday with Friends' little ice cream cups... I just remember being so proud to hand out ice cream to my classmates."

Abby reflects on her own experiences, emphasizing the burden of mandatory happiness and the struggle to align personal feelings with societal norms.

Abby Wambach (36:09): "I just remember feeling like you have the birthday party and then your friends come over... I would rather not have everyone else to deal with."

5. Strategies for a Healthier Birthday Experience

The trio offers actionable advice to mitigate the negative aspects of birthday celebrations:

• Communicate Preferences: Clearly express what you want or don't want on your birthday to avoid misunderstandings.

  Amanda Doyle (45:10): "I try to explain the things I really want to do on my birthday and the things I don't want to do."

• Focus on Gratitude: Shift the focus from what’s lacking to what you’re grateful for, counteracting expectations and comparisons.

  Glennon Doyle (24:11): "If you're grateful... everything that makes us miserable on our birthday could be fixed... if we focused completely on gratitude for whatever is."

• Celebrate Throughout the Year: Regularly expressing love and appreciation can alleviate the pressure placed on a single day.

  Glennon Doyle (24:46): "If you have people in your life that you're grateful for, why aren't we able to make them feel our gratitude and make them feel like they matter to us?"

• Personalized Celebrations: Tailor your birthday to your unique preferences, whether that means a quiet evening or an intimate gathering.

  Abby Wambach (45:54): "We always want it to be an experience... a calm, quiet night."

6. Listener Insights and Community Connection

A heartfelt message from listener Laura underscores the importance of community and shared experiences in navigating birthday emotions.

Laura (52:13): "I want to express gratitude to all three of you... Thank you for creating such a safe space to land every week. I love you so much."

Glennon acknowledges Laura’s vulnerability, reinforcing the podcast’s mission to provide a supportive space for listeners.

7. Embracing Impermanence and Gratitude

In a poignant conclusion, Glennon shares the loss of her friend Wendy, tying the episode’s themes of gratitude and the fleeting nature of life.

Glennon Doyle (55:01): "Between the time we recorded this episode and when it aired, we lost Wendy... I will never again mark my own birthday without remembering that night and Wende's gratitude for life."

This personal reflection emphasizes the episode’s core message: embracing the present, fostering gratitude, and cherishing connections to navigate life’s hardest moments.

Key Takeaways:

• Acknowledge Complex Emotions: Understand that it's normal to feel a mix of emotions on your birthday.
• Set Realistic Expectations: Align your celebrations with what genuinely brings you joy.
• Foster Year-Round Gratitude: Regularly express appreciation to reduce the pressure on any single day.
• Customize Your Celebration: Make your birthday uniquely yours, free from societal pressures.

By unpacking the multifaceted nature of birthdays, Glennon, Abby, and Amanda offer listeners both comfort and practical tools to transform their birthday experiences from sources of stress to opportunities for meaningful celebration and self-reflection.