Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah

Summary

Podcast Summary: Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah

Podcast Information:

• Title: We Might Be Drunk
• Hosts: Sam Morril and Mark Normand
• Episode: Ep 212: Happy Chrisma-Hanukkah
• Release Date: December 30, 2024

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Introduction to the Holiday Season

00:01 - 01:12

Mark Normand opens the episode with a humorous lament about not being a father, sparking a nostalgic conversation about childhood punishments. The hosts transition into discussing the festive season, blending Christmas and Hanukkah, sharing their favorite holiday traditions such as ordering Chinese food and watching classic shows like "My Neighbors the Yamadas."

Notable Quote:

• Mark Normand [00:05]: "A shame you're not a father because you would kill it."

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Navigating the Comedy Scene

01:13 - 04:22

Joe DeRosa joins the conversation, sharing his experiences touring with Larry David and the challenges of selling tickets against big names like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. The discussion highlights the competitive nature of the comedy industry and the influence of high-profile agents.

Notable Quotes:

• Joe DeRosa [02:05]: "I'm in Austin. My agent reps Larry David now for live events."
• Mark Normand [02:31]: "Yeah, he's out there. She's only taking money in Hawk to a coin spitcoin."

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Encounters with Celebrities

04:23 - 09:19

The hosts recount their interactions with various celebrities, including Quentin Tarantino and characters from "Seinfeld." Mark shares a memorable meeting with Larry David, emphasizing Larry's unique comedic style and the intense fan base he commands.

Notable Quotes:

• Joe DeRosa [03:40]: "It's funny how Larry acts in Q&A sessions. People think they have charisma because they're whining."
• Mark Normand [04:14]: "He made the Q&A an art form."

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Comedy Club Experiences and Roast Stories

09:20 - 18:50

Mark narrates his hectic week performing at multiple comedy clubs, including a roast hosted by Jelly Roll. He admits to bombing his performance due to being unprepared and intoxicated, sharing candid reflections on the challenges of live comedy.

Notable Quotes:

• Mark Normand [11:45]: "I apologize to Jelly Roll. It's pretty humiliating."
• Rachel Feinstein [12:15]: "Chris Porter killed it with his 'Clit and Bits' joke."

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Discussing the Rizzler and Social Media Influencers

18:51 - 27:00

The conversation shifts to the rise of young influencers like the Rizzler, a 12-year-old with a burgeoning online presence. The hosts debate the impact of such figures on comedy and society, touching on themes of fame at a young age and the responsibilities that come with it.

Notable Quotes:

• Mark Normand [25:35]: "He's a cute kid. You can sit right here."
• Joe DeRosa [26:22]: "The Rizzler is a star that's going to come and go."

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Navigating the Urban Jungle and Travel Peeves

27:01 - 37:00

Rachel Feinstein shares her frustrations with returning to New York City, highlighting issues like expensive parking and aggressive cyclists. The hosts also discuss their experiences with unreliable airport shuttle services, emphasizing the importance of reliable transportation during hectic touring schedules.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel Feinstein [16:40]: "I called a bicycle a cunt today. Guy almost hit me on his bike."
• Joe DeRosa [53:44]: "Don't bring your fucking religious horseshit into a service."

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Product Reviews and Sponsor Segments

37:01 - 51:00

The episode features advertisements for sponsors like Chubby's and Shopify, seamlessly integrated into the comedic banter. Joe promotes Chubby's flannel overshirts with a discount code, while Mark endorses Shopify for online businesses.

Notable Quotes:

• Joe DeRosa [21:10]: "Order a little Chinese food."
• Mark Normand [20:14]: "Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Gymshark uses."

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Behind the Scenes: Podcast Production and Guest Interactions

51:01 - 70:00

Rachel discusses her acting career, including her role in "Better Call Saul" and the challenges she faced with network executives. The hosts delve into the intricacies of podcast production, sharing anecdotes about scheduling conflicts and guest cancellations.

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel Feinstein [47:03]: "I couldn't figure it out. And Les Moonves, head of CBS Comedy, went down, and I was like, that's why they hated this character."
• Mark Normand [70:01]: "Call him a pointless hole."

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Interactive Magic Segment with Seth the Magician

70:01 - 89:59

Seth the Magician joins the show, leading an interactive magic segment that blends humor and illusion. Despite mixed reactions from the hosts, the segment adds a unique and entertaining twist to the episode, showcasing the hosts' playful chemistry.

Notable Quotes:

• Seth the Magician [75:05]: "What's the most important thing in life?"
• Mark Normand [86:17]: "I thought you were 5."

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Final Banter and Closing Remarks

90:00 - 99:00

As the episode winds down, the hosts reflect on their performances, plan upcoming shows, and share humorous anecdotes about interactions with fans and other comedians. They emphasize the camaraderie and enduring friendships within the comedy community.

Notable Quotes:

• Mark Normand [95:52]: "Hell yeah. Get on that. Get on the bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck."
• Rachel Feinstein [97:18]: "I'll always send Rachel, like, on Instagram, I'll find shows like that and call her a pointless hole."

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Conclusion

99:01 - End

The episode concludes with the hosts expressing holiday wishes, promoting their respective tours and specials, and engaging in light-hearted teasing. The camaraderie and humorous exchanges underscore the show’s blend of comedy, personal anecdotes, and interactive segments, leaving listeners entertained and connected.

Notable Quote:

• Mark Normand [99:17]: "I'm gonna call you."

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Overall Insights: Episode 212 of "We Might Be Drunk" offers a blend of nostalgic reflections, candid discussions about the comedy scene, and humorous storytelling from the hosts. Interspersed with promotional segments and interactive entertainment, the episode captures the essence of the hosts' dynamic chemistry. Notably, the inclusion of guest interactions and humorous roasts provides depth and relatability, making it an engaging listen for both regular fans and newcomers alike.

Key Takeaways:

• Comedy Industry Challenges: Balancing performances amidst competition and high-profile agents.
• Celebrity Encounters: Navigating interactions with well-known figures adds both humor and insight.
• Personal Struggles: Hosts share vulnerabilities, enhancing listener connection.
• Interactive Entertainment: Segments like magic add variety and engagement.
• Holiday Spirit: Blending Christmas and Hanukkah traditions fosters a festive atmosphere.

Recommendation: This episode is a must-listen for fans seeking a mix of humor, personal anecdotes, and relatable discussions about life in the comedy world, all delivered with the hosts' signature wit and charm.

Transcript

[Mark Normand]

A shame you're not a father because you would kill it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hey, still. There's still time.

[Mark Normand]

He said he doesn't want it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Imagine you had a lawn. This lawn would be unbelievable. Your neighbors would hate you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Look at those. He could grab a wrist. Oh, when the dad would grab a wrist, you were in trouble. Hate the room, place it on his. Make him finish you to completion. Those were the days.

[Mark Normand]

The worst was back of the neck. If you got a back of the neck, you were going right to hell.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Not good.

[Mark Normand]

No, I caught my parents.

[Joe DeRosa]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I joined in.

[Joe DeRosa]

And he started choking you. Yeah. And then you came. We all came. I'll tell you.

[Mark Normand]

He went front of the neck.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I. I love this time of year, man.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. Well, you got eight nights.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy nights.

[Joe DeRosa]

Eight crazy nights. But Christmas, I love Christmas. Little all day NBA on Christmas. We got football now, too. I mean, this is.

[Mark Normand]

This is a good.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a good time. Order a little Chinese food.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Watch my knickerbockers.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you can't beat it. I mean, the guy with the. The Santa guy with the bell, the tree and Rockefeller, the ice skating, the hobo pissing with the d. Dirty Santa hat.

[Joe DeRosa]

The hobo pistons. What does it for me?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good times. And it really is like you feel the cheer. People are. They're in good spirits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I'm going to the. The family, the wife's family. And they got kids running around without the kids. It's kind of sad, to be honest.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's a good point.

[Mark Normand]

The kids.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's. My life is sad.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. No one wanted to tell you. No, I mean, obviously Christmas is great, but when you got these kids running around, they're ripping open the prayer. They're like, oh, my God, a Nintendo or whatever kids are playing with.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, kids do help.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Halloween, obviously. Kids.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, look what we got here.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, we got to talk about this.

[Joe DeRosa]

Everything about my picture is better than yours, by the way.

[Mark Normand]

Everything.

[Joe DeRosa]

Better lighting.

[Mark Normand]

He's smiling.

[Joe DeRosa]

For those listening, Matt Salacus is holding up my picture with Larry David next to Mark's.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Larry does not look happy in years. I got a smile.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. He hated it. I mean, I told the story. I want to hear your story.

[Joe DeRosa]

So I'm in Austin. My agent reps Larry David now for live events. This is why we're having more trouble selling tickets on the road. We're going up against everybody.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not just comics now it's, you know, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's. It's comedians.

[Mark Normand]

I know Hawk Tua is doing a tour. You see that?

[Joe DeRosa]

I didn't.

[Mark Normand]

But, yeah, she's out there.

[Joe DeRosa]

She's only taking money in Hawk to a coin spitcoin. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

So, yeah, I'm at the show, and the same agent who intro'd you is kind of like, hey, you want to meet him? And I was like, only if I'm not annoying him.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't want to. This is my nightmare. And I'm extra nervous because I know Mark's story, and I'm just like, you know, it was a fun show. Suzy Essman and JB Smooth come out.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Joe DeRosa]

Jeff Schaefer from Curb and Seinfeld.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's, you know, running the interview.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

And it's funny.

[Mark Normand]

It's.

[Joe DeRosa]

Larry's being hilarious. Some stories we've heard the George fired story, but then there's so many other funny stories. I mean, you saw the show.

[Mark Normand]

Did you see the Q and A? Yeah, that was the highlight.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was the highlight because people are so.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Man.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's like, by the way, you really do realize what his fan base is. And, man, if there was a Nazi in there, he would have lost his mind. You just hear. You just hear voices behind me. Like, I go to the store the other day, this happened. I'm like, oh, my God, this is his fan base. It's us. We're just complaining. Like, the guy sits next to me just starts complaining instantly. Like, it's whiners.

[Mark Normand]

Well, he made it an art, you know, like.

[Joe DeRosa]

But whining is not an art. He's just great at it.

[Mark Normand]

He's great at it. Yeah. It's like a bar room boxer. You go, fuck this guy. He's an asshole. But you put him in a ring and he's a genius.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's so true. And. But then everyone there thinks they've got the charisma because they're whining.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you get a lot of people.

[Joe DeRosa]

One guy said, hey, we'd love to hear your rendition of these. These pretzels are making me thirsty. And Larry just goes, nah, nah. And it crushed.

[Mark Normand]

That's what you want him to do, too?

[Joe DeRosa]

Totally. Oh, it's so funny. At the beginning, he's like, I am not like Larry David the thing. And then as the show goes on, you're like, I'm pretty sure you are pretty sure.

[Mark Normand]

It's exactly who you are.

[Joe DeRosa]

I think a nicer guy, but he can't fake it. And then, you know, a few other questions. That were just like. You're like, all right, enough. And after the show, I go back there and I'm like, I'm not gonna. I'm gonna be quick. I don't want to bother him. And I got the perfect intro until he goes, we have a quick talk. And I go, the show is good. Which is all anyone wants to hear. Yes, you just want to hear the show was good.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

He goes, really? And I said, yeah, it was really good.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

It was really funny. And I said, I'm a big fan. My favorite episode is Corpse Sniffing Dog. And he smiled. I got a smile at it. I love. Because they were talking about callbacks on stage and how much they love callbacks. JB was saying how much he loves, like, you know, setting something up and you bring it back later. I love the end where he blows the dog whistle and the dog runs out. I love that.

[Mark Normand]

So was that car wash cunt?

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's never one.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay. That's the.

[Mark Normand]

Fuck you. Your car wash.

[Joe DeRosa]

Same season.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

But yeah, we talked a little more, and then the only. The only hiccup we had.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, a hiccup.

[Joe DeRosa]

Finally, minor hiccup. Because I tell the agent, I say, get a picture. Like, I want to ask. So you say, oh, we should get a picture with you, dude. Because he goes, oh, you're. You know, he talks a little about stand. He goes, you're a stand up.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you got the stand up combo.

[Joe DeRosa]

The agent goes, this is a really funny stand up. We represent. So he. So he was like. He smiled. Now he goes, where you live? And I go, new York. And he kind of. He was friendly, but I also didn't want to overstay my welcome. So that was it. And then the agent. Let's get a picture of you two. And right as he says that, a mouthful of hummus and celery. And he said. And he just looked annoyed. I was like, ah, my moment, my moment. But then he. He swallowed me and then he smiled again. I got this, man.

[Mark Normand]

I feel like I licked his toes and you got to fuck him. Yeah, man, oh, man.

[Seth the Magician]

I chance it's the same agent.

[Mark Normand]

It is the same exact person who.

[Joe DeRosa]

Listened to us talking about it and felt horrible.

[Mark Normand]

Good, you fucked. I hope you feel bad. He. I had the dry run. You got the real show.

[Joe DeRosa]

I. But I was in and out. I didn't want to. And then the next night, I'm at the Comedy Mothership, and guess who's in the green room? Quentin Tarantino.

[Mark Normand]

Holy Larry David.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wednesday, Tarantino Thursday.

[Mark Normand]

Did you see him?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, I got one laugh and then I walked out.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's great.

[Joe DeRosa]

I didn't want it because he was talking. Adam E. Gets in there, Rogan's in there, Hinchcliffe's in there. And I didn't want to. I'm just kind of listening, cuz he's there with, you know, Joey did his podcast.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, cool.

[Joe DeRosa]

But yeah, I got one. I got one laugh and I was like, I'm out of here.

[Mark Normand]

Let's. Can we hear it or is it offensive?

[Joe DeRosa]

Rogan said something about Jamal Khashoggi, you know, who got murdered in Saudi Arabia.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, right.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And.

[Joe DeRosa]

And I. And I go, yeah, it turns out a journalist in Saudi Arabia. Not a good job. Got a Tarantino laugh out of that. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, okay, okay. I like that guy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But we.

[Joe DeRosa]

I just kind of stayed in the corner. Then you kind of see him. He's like so energetic. I mean, like characters. He's doing like a performance. He's doing a joker impression. It was like the worst impression, but as Tarantino. So we're all just like, huh.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like you can tell how much we respect him by how much we're just being like, huh.

[Mark Normand]

Sure, sure. He's a lot, I hear. But that's so cool. I mean, was he like, let me see your feet?

[Joe DeRosa]

I wish.

[Mark Normand]

He loves feet.

[Joe DeRosa]

I know, not my feet. He likes Margot Robbie's feet. Go from Margot Robbie's feet to these.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Joe DeRosa]

What are you catching salmon with those toes?

[Mark Normand]

It' talons over here. Sam Talon.

[Joe DeRosa]

And then I did Dr. Phil live on Friday.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, what a week.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, it was pretty fun. We FaceTimed you from the stage.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, that was fun. It was a little choppy, unfortunately, because I was in the. I was hiding in the broom closet of a comedy club in Rhode Island. So it was a little choppy, but we pulled it out.

[Joe DeRosa]

We had a good time. And yeah, I mean, he sold out the round Celebrity Theater in Phoenix. It was a hot show. We had AI Mark Norman come out.

[Mark Normand]

Look how beautiful. Hey, look at Carolla's badass father. Who's that?

[Joe DeRosa]

Roland? I got shit faced. That's really Adam Crowland. I got fucking smashed.

[Mark Normand]

How cool is that?

[Joe DeRosa]

We.

[Mark Normand]

You and Loveline.

[Joe DeRosa]

There I am laughing.

[Mark Normand]

That's great. We'll be right back.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, but what's Corolla's drink? He was drinking gin martinis. We. So we end up at this really cool bar. It's like a. I forgot what it's called, but you get to look Up. Airplane bar in Phoenix. It's like, set up to look like everyone's dressed like they're a stewardess or something. And I mean, we were. I mean, all the comics made fun of me because they were like, you were in, like, a bear hug with Corolla for three hours. I was like, I'm fucked up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he'll. He'll keep you in. He's a talker.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, yeah, he was. He was on. He was unleashing some crazy. This is childhood shit.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he's got trauma.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's got trauma for sure.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's just a little rabbit pellet.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, there's AI Mark, Norm.

[Mark Normand]

There he is.

[Joe DeRosa]

It killed, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, him coming out on the skateboard and then just going, like, killed.

[Mark Normand]

I don't get it.

[Seth the Magician]

Jeremiah is so funny.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I love it. Some people have been like, you. You gonna fight that guy? How crazy? I'm like, I think it's fun.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's an honor.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'm into it. So keep going on Jeremiah.

[Joe DeRosa]

It makes me realize how much of a cartoon character you are. Like, the outfit, like, it all kind of.

[Mark Normand]

It all works.

[Joe DeRosa]

It all works.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's good at it. I mean, too bad he doesn't have his own act, but, you know, he's great at the. No, I'm just kidding. Jeremiah's the man and he nails it. He. Everything he does, he kills.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So, wow, what a week. Celebrity theater. Larry David, Quentin Tarantino, the Mothership. I mean, you're. You're all over.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did a lot of fun stuff and podcasts. We did some pods. How about you? How was your. How was seven shows in Providence, Rhode Island. Classic comedy club. Used to be a bank.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

And I love when you can tell. It used to be a bank.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right.

[Joe DeRosa]

That big. Like, that's where the vault was, right?

[Mark Normand]

The green room is in the vault. They still got the big old metal door, but. What. Oh, wait, let me. Let me run this by. You did Tulane University on Tuesday. You went there about a year and a half.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Also known as Julian. Yeah, I did some Hamas jokes. They were like, yeah, it's Larry David's crowd, basically. Then flew in to do a one nighter with list in Jersey, got home at 1:00am, had a 7:00am flight to Nashville.

[Joe DeRosa]

Hell.

[Mark Normand]

Hell. And the fumes are kicking in. I'm like, tulane to Jersey to Nashville.

[Joe DeRosa]

We can't say no. I feel sick right now.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Joe DeRosa]

Keep moving.

[Mark Normand]

Well, it was jelly rolls roast. And I was like, whitney, Tony, Bert, Big J, Adam Ray was like a who's who. And I was like, I want to be a part of that. And. And you start thinking, I just got to get on a plane. All you got to do is sit with a. With a suitcase. How hard is it? How hard can it be? It can be, but it's. It's the waking up, it's the. The drinking. It's the no sleep. And so it was hell, but got to Nashville on no sleep. I'm burning the midnight oil. Burt goes, you want to do something's burning. I can't say no. Let's do it. The roast is until 8. Who's it with? It was me and Big J.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's fun.

[Mark Normand]

And Burt got a big Airbnb. We made Nashville hot chicken. We started drinking immediately.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did he nail it too?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he really killed it, actually. Good.

[Joe DeRosa]

Bert is a good cook.

[Mark Normand]

He can cook. If you don't mind. No. No hand washing. Hey, speaking of no hand washing. That's a hell of a sale.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is who I want to see on the holidays.

[Mark Normand]

Howdy, sailor.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good to see you.

[Mark Normand]

Look great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thanks, man.

[Mark Normand]

What do you cut. Cut back on the sauce. Oh, no, you're good. You're good right off the.

[Joe DeRosa]

What an entrance. This is like the most depressing sitcom.

[Mark Normand]

No, Whatever.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, no. Just eating better. Good to see you, buddy.

[Mark Normand]

You too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Just eating better and testosterone hell.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you're on the tea.

[Joe DeRosa]

Everyone's on it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Minimal exercise.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Minimal exercise.

[Mark Normand]

That was one of my jokes at the roast. We had Bert with no shirt on and Tony and I said no tea to low T.

[Joe DeRosa]

How is it? How is the.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I just. I just. Deli jelly rolls, roast on Wednesday. Okay. The breath that bad?

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's like I can't know, but I can't. Like, I'm turning like this way.

[Mark Normand]

I see.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Can we get it? We've got a frame on that. He's got a wide torso.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So you did jelly rolls.

[Mark Normand]

Jelly rolls roasts. And it was a real who's who at Zany's. Sold out. Kid Rock is in the fucking rafters. And Cole Hauser, the guy who. From Westwood. Stone Yellowstone. That's it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And it was like a, you know, a lot of. A lot of people there and jelly rolls on stage. I was drunk from something's burning and I didn't really prepare that much. I bombed my face off. And I had like a straight wall to wall bomb. I got a couple chuckles on the bomb, like how bad I'm going horribly. That was. I got some save lines.

[Joe DeRosa]

You and Andy Kindler.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That sucked.

[Mark Normand]

Look at me. I'm like, look, I'm trying to look at my notes. I'm drunk. That's. After I went on.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Was that his wife?

[Mark Normand]

That's his wife.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay. There's Jelly.

[Mark Normand]

Never a good sign when you're looking at your notes after you go on. Because I'm like, where did I go wrong? I died. I apologize to Jelly Roll. It's. It's pretty humiliating because all your comic friends are on stage with you. Like, what's going on? What are you doing?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did anybody else struggle?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, okay. So it wasn't like, who had the.

[Joe DeRosa]

Worst out of the night?

[Mark Normand]

I don't want to say. I would tell you if I didn't bomb that bad, but one guy had a real.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay, can we. Can you say it and bleep it?

[Joe DeRosa]

I know who it is already.

[Mark Normand]

You already know.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was just trying to poke him.

[Mark Normand]

You saw the deus. Oh, there's the guy from Yellowstone now.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Honestly, I. Who. I'm really. I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Chris Porter. Killed. Oh, what's Will Compton at. Did better than me. He's an athlete.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm gonna.

[Joe DeRosa]

He went on do. Will from.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. He did great, actually.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm gonna point, but don't show it.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. I mean, I think, you know, just.

[Joe DeRosa]

Say the name and he'll believe it.

[Mark Normand]

You got. He had a bit of a meltdown, but I had one of those bombs. Sorry.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Never mind. I'm gonna make it. No, no, no. Because if I say what I'm gonna say, I'm gonna start giving clues away. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[Mark Normand]

He killed. He did a. He did. Let Me do what, a jelly roll song. Every one of them is. And he sang it and it broke down his. His structure, and it was great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Chris is amazing.

[Mark Normand]

He's so underrated. Chris Porter.

[Joe DeRosa]

Funny dude.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, funny dude. Cool dude.

[Rachel Feinstein]

When he first came out, he looked like. He looked like a fucking hippie.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, long hair and he would wear, like, bell bottoms and shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's right.

[Joe DeRosa]

He had a great bit about, like. You know why? Why the environment's fucked. Because women won't bang guys who ride the bus. Great. That's a great angle.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's really funny. He did. Oh, was. It was on Fully Loaded. I was there when you guys weren't there. But the week I was on, Chris came and did one of the shows and he, like, leveled.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Jesus Christ, man.

[Mark Normand]

He's a pro.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, he's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

He had that old joke about drinking and smoking. Like, you don't have to drink when you smoke, but you got to smoke when you drink. It's kind of like how you don't have to pee. You could pee without. But when you're shitting, you got to.

[Joe DeRosa]

Pee like dirty Seinfeld.

[Mark Normand]

I fucked it up, but that's amazing. It's a great analogy. He also sounded like an ugly Willy Wonka. That was it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Is that Okerson in the back there?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Okerson. Let me. Let me. Let me give Okerson, as the kids say, his flowers.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

He didn't know it was a roast. He thought it was just like, a happy birthday party, so he went up and winged it a La Patrice O'Neill at the Charlie Sheen roast.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

And crushed.

[Joe DeRosa]

What did he like? How do you wing it?

[Mark Normand]

He's just like. He was just completely honest. Like, I didn't know this was a roast, but this is how I feel about Tony. This is how I feel about Whitney. This is how I feel about Jelly roll. And it was crushing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you remember lines?

[Mark Normand]

I don't. I. All I remember is Whitney. He's like. When he had, like, a tank top on, he goes, I know you just had a kid, but you brought the twins. That's all I could remember.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

But. Oh, Adam, Ray. Crushed, too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. That's great.

[Joe DeRosa]

People, by the way, People gonna do the math to figure out how this.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit, you're right.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's going down the list. This guy was great. This guy was great. We haven't heard one name.

[Mark Normand]

Whitney Annihilated.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Whitney might have had the best stuff. Bert said he flew with her from la and she was writing the whole time. Six hours. So just, you know, Mark and I just.

[Joe DeRosa]

So you guys know. 27 December, Netflix, roast of the of the Year, whatever it's called. We might be making a huge mistake. Oh, this might be great. We're gonna go up together and do, like. We're gonna do, like, a Dark Weekend Update type.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Joe DeRosa]

But we're gonna. I think we're gonna work it out tonight. The Cellar. We'll figure it out. You. You said you got a ton of topical shit.

[Mark Normand]

I got a ton. I need to organize it, but I got a lot of it.

[Joe DeRosa]

But I got a lot, too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's fun. That's fun. What is it? It's the Roast of the Year. It's just like.

[Mark Normand]

You.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Roast the Year.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Diddy Hawk to. Yeah, Luigi.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay. Yeah. Well. Yeah, Luigi. This fucking city.

[Mark Normand]

I know, we got to talk about Luigi. Oh, I guess that is pretty. Pretty topical.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, I've been. I've been. I've been back for three days. Two days. I've been furious from the second I stepped into the city.

[Mark Normand]

This city can rape you right in the ass.

[Rachel Feinstein]

When you're. When you're gone for a while and you come back, you really. It really shines a light on how bad you're getting fucked.

[Mark Normand]

100 from every angle.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, I called a bicycle as a cunt today. Guy almost hit me on his bike. I was like, I'm paying $70 a day to park my fucking car.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's just ridiculous.

[Mark Normand]

It's drizzling and cold.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But I was on DiStefano's pod yesterday, and I'm bitching.

[Joe DeRosa]

The guy who bailed on us today.

[Mark Normand]

He'S supposed to be here.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's supposed to be here.

[Mark Normand]

Dirty guinea.

[Joe DeRosa]

He. He. He bailed this morning. I didn't even know he was coming. Cause I didn't know you were coming. We. Matt wouldn't tell us the guests, so it was like a surprise.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, you didn't know I was coming, though. I walked in, you really didn't fucking zero react. You act like you knew I was coming for days.

[Joe DeRosa]

We knew today, all right? I found out today because he told. He told us that Chris. And I was like, well, who's coming? So we found out today. But, yeah, Chris called me the other day. Like, we talk on the phone for a while, and he's like, can't wait to see you next week. So, like, oh, great. So now I'm like, disappointed. Anyway, fuck you, Chris. His daughter's sick. Your partner doesn't work.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She could have.

[Joe DeRosa]

She could have carried the lifting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

His daughter is definitely sick, all right.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm shocked.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He told me. Y. He got puked on by his kid. So his daughter really is sick. So maybe it's bad. But we were. I was bitching about how expensive this. I was like, it's out of control. You live in an airport at this point.

[Mark Normand]

It's bad.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's so expensive. I go, you want to expensive? This city is. The CEO that got murdered was staying in a Hilton. Ridiculous. The city's become.

[Mark Normand]

That's hilarious.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's great. You sell your soul to stay in a fucking airport hotel. Damn.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, you know, it's Vitor. Have you heard Veterans bit about it? He's like, they went to his hotel room. They found no DNA. He's like, you go to my hotel room? There's DNA on the ceiling. Whatever.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's funny.

[Mark Normand]

Funny take.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's funny. He's a funny kid, that.

[Mark Normand]

He's a good little Gary.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So what's going on? Where's it. We're not drinking. I thought the whis. That we drink, pop.

[Mark Normand]

He's in a bad way.

[Joe DeRosa]

Come rough.

[Mark Normand]

I'll have one.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, Are you sick? Sick?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. I've got Covid.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, no. Are you sick? Like, you're hungover? Are you, like, sick?

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I'm. I have. I'm run down. I've been on the. Been, like, four sitting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But you don't have, like. You don't have, like, the flu.

[Joe DeRosa]

You.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, you just mean like you're you.

[Mark Normand]

I'm with you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

It'd be nice. We got some eggnog.

[Joe DeRosa]

I went, you'll have one if we.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do a little crazy these last two nights. My last show of the year was Saturday, and I came right from Somerville, Massachusetts, to New York.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And Sunday. Basically, I was like this, all right, Christmas has started.

[Joe DeRosa]

Let's go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I'm gonna get. I can feel it like, I'm gonna get sick when I go home.

[Joe DeRosa]

I knew it was coming. I saw my rowdy and I was like, I'm.

[Mark Normand]

But you can go right to your own bar. That's got to feel pretty good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I went the last two nights.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I went both nights, like, close to close and, like, just, you know, it's great going at that time. It's awesome. Because then you're like, you know, you take it over. Yeah, it's fucking. You know, they'll obviously stay open late for, you know, it's just me and the, you know, whoever I'm with, my.

[Mark Normand]

Boys, they give you a better reaction than we did when you walk in.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Much better.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Much, much better.

[Joe DeRosa]

A lot of it. I feel like shit. I am very happy to see you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm happy to you too. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Speaking of parties and Party, whatever. I didn't get invited to the bodega cat thing.

[Mark Normand]

You were out of town.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I got no invite.

[Mark Normand]

You weren't here.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I wasn't.

[Joe DeRosa]

But still, we knew you weren't there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Maybe I would take the trip. Maybe.

[Joe DeRosa]

Would you really?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't know. You never know.

[Mark Normand]

Well, we'd love to have you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I love a party.

[Joe DeRosa]

Make an awesome first impression with Chubbies. Their flannel overshirt looks like a flannel, but feels like a fleece. So it'll take you from picking out Christmas tree to watching Hallmark movies. On the couch. Everything Chubby's makes is ridiculously comfortable and will have you looking and feeling great. Yeah, these are comfy. I mean, not just the shirts, but I love the pants. They look good. They fit well. I wear them all the time. I get compliments on them. People are like, where do you get those pants? And I say, go to fucking Chubby's, you idiot. Whether you're buying a. Whether you're buying for yourself or giving a gift, Chubby's has what you need this winter. Go to their website for the best deals of the year. It's comfy, it looks good. It's a great combo. Our friends at Chubby's are giving our listeners 20% off with code DRUNK20 at checkout Chubbysshorts.com. that's 20% off your order with code DRUNK20. Support the show and tell them we sent you this holiday season. Gift yourself and your loved ones chubbies.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, we might be drunk. Brought to you by Shopify. You've got an online shop, but it's not working for you. Switch to Shopify and have a stress free experience. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, their number one checkout on the planet. They've even got shop pay that allows your customers to save their payment and shipping info and boost conversions up to 50%. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. That's all there is to it. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that Gymshark uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com drunk, all lowercase. Go to shopify.com drunk to upgrade your selling today, shopify.com/drunk is for you. Happy holidays. Oh, baby.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Hey, guys.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, what do you got there? Brewskis. All the brewskis. Whoa.

[Seth the Magician]

The North Pole.

[Mark Normand]

Ice cold. All right, I'll take a big old sip.

[Rachel Feinstein]

We got a plate of cogella.

[Mark Normand]

Ah. Who to who? Okay, okay. Thank you. Come from the North Pole. How you doing there? That's a Jewish Santa.

[Joe DeRosa]

We couldn't get stopped. So this is.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Brings his sack.

[Mark Normand]

Happy holiday. Oh, what's in the sack there? Presents.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good boys and girls.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you sound like Pete Diddy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Nice. Do we really get a present? Yes.

[Mark Normand]

All right, all right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, break them out, Sam, and hand.

[Mark Normand]

Me arugula, will you there, Jew face? Look at this guy.

[Joe DeRosa]

He just takes out a ghost gun and shoots us.

[Rachel Feinstein]

See?

[Joe DeRosa]

A present, you piece of.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, thank you there, Jojo.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'll take.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, I thought you said arugula. It was like, like, like lettuce.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what. What do you call this?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

Merry Christmas.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Let's see what I got here.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, come on.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You just give me their swag.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I could have got this that if it wasn't Christmas.

[Mark Normand]

That's. We gotta give you something.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

What's a regular?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, what is it? I don't know what it is.

[Mark Normand]

A Jewish foreskin.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's what they do with it? Yeah, they fill it with chocolate. Good. Dude, it looks good. I'm just not in the mood for sweets.

[Mark Normand]

Get this man a whiskey.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you. Ho, ho, ho. Happy holidays. You know how many eggnogs?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What kind of beer is it?

[Mark Normand]

Travis Kelce's Beer Garage.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Be n. I might do a whiskey or something.

[Mark Normand]

I'll do a couple swigs of the Travis Kelce horse piss.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You guys have any bourbon? Cuz you guys make only make rye, right?

[Mark Normand]

We got a ton of bourbon. We got bourbon, we got tequila, we got vod.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Can I have a bourbon on the rocks? What happened? These. You have a bartender in here? What's going on? So, operations falling apart.

[Mark Normand]

Christmas holiday, he took off.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Stephano didn't show up.

[Mark Normand]

He was shot.

[Joe DeRosa]

And that one. That was hurtful.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah, it's.

[Joe DeRosa]

And no Giannis either. Giannis bailed, too, apparently.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, who was texting me? Was that you? Sal Peters? Oh, Peter. He texted me at, like, 12:30. He was like, please tell me you're still coming. They're dropping off like flies, man. Everybody's canceling. I was like, yeah, I'm coming, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

So we did this around the real holidays. What the hell?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I did your last Christmas show.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, you're definitely a Christmas guest.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it was me and Gillis, wasn't it? And a tell.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Then we went to. That's the night we went to Steakhouse Jax or whatever the. It's called Homestead.

[Mark Normand]

Homestead? Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

We got lit.

[Mark Normand]

We got the Jew. We need the Grinch.

[Joe DeRosa]

By the way, we had another big guest bail last minute, too.

[Seth the Magician]

It was gonna be a big surprise.

[Joe DeRosa]

He was gonna come out of a box.

[Mark Normand]

The Rizzler. Oh, failed on us today.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, he didn't.

[Mark Normand]

I brought my kid. Yeah, he's not fat enough.

[Joe DeRosa]

Why did the. Why did the Rizzler not the beat?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, the Rizzler bailed.

[Joe DeRosa]

Why did the Bale.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Homework?

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Maybe got shot.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh.

[Joe DeRosa]

Who's the Rizzler? Stand by.

[Mark Normand]

Who's the Rizzler? Boy, you've been living in a cave there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who the hell is the. That guy, the fat kid.

[Joe DeRosa]

Who pull up him rapping so we understand this kid.

[Mark Normand]

Come on, feet on it.

[Joe DeRosa]

The.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This kid was gonna come. Are you?

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thanks. Thank you for being here.

[Mark Normand]

Now you're known for.

[Rachel Feinstein]

For the. The riz face.

[Mark Normand]

This kid's getting laid like you wouldn't believe. I heard he Kate Beckinsale.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Guys. What is this world? You get a 12 year old influencer on Fallon.

[Mark Normand]

I know he's that big. Thank you.

[Joe DeRosa]

We'll have a picture of me with the ring. Oh, right. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Sam's a huge fan.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. The Tonight Show. You should have like Jack Nicholson and Sinatra on it. This is fucking crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I know. He's got his own bitcoin.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh my God.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that little nugget.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's great.

[Joe DeRosa]

This guy stood us up.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, this is rough. He's pretty big.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know what? This definitely is one thing with the Rizzler is a star.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

That is fucking tough, man.

[Mark Normand]

We had JP too, but he's got in some trouble.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

So he was gonna bring the Rizzler out of it. We would have opened a gift and the Rizzler would have popped out of a box and done the wrist fit. Ah, it would have been the best Christmas ever.

[Mark Normand]

You should have told him about the candy we had. Yeah, you would have showed.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You got the.

[Mark Normand]

The rugala and the cookies.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. The rug, the. That's wild. Yeah. No, I was asking all these. Cuz you never know. There's a lot of these kids on.

[Joe DeRosa]

The Internet and yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You think it's like a kid and he's like, I'm 47, I have a rare condition.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you think he feels worse or is he like, thank God.

[Mark Normand]

I think that's their trans. They're like, oh, I got pulled the rug out.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, if. What happened?

[Joe DeRosa]

If a pedo gets one of those, like fake kids, it's like a lady. Are they upset or are they kind of like, I dodged a bullet, right?

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, no, I think they're probably upset. Yeah. I think it's. You know, I think the danger is half of what it is. Oh, you think pedophiles. It's. Well with most sex offenders of any kind because like, Cosby was a great example. I always said about Cosby, I was like, I don't understand, like, he's so rich. Why wouldn't he just tell a woman what he's into?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Be like, look, sign this thing that says, you know, I'm gonna drug you and if you're into it, then you drink this, you're gonna pass out I'm gonna bang you, sure. But if you're like, no, that's. That's not what he gets on for. He gets. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So interesting.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Because he could get laid, obviously. He was America's dad.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did you ever see Little Children? Do you ever see that movie?

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's a very disturbing movie, but. Well, it's got disturbing parts.

[Mark Normand]

Overall.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's not terrible.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, Pull it up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Anyway, that's the movie that Jackie. Remember the kid. The guy Jackie Haley was in, the Bad News Bears? He made that weird comeback.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This was the movie that he got nominated for.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But he pays a PED in it. And one of the things he says to this woman who's of age is like, you're not gonna tell on me. Right? You're not gonna tell on me. Because that's part of what they get off of. It's our secret, all that shit.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, dude. I just read this book. Let me make sure I remember the name so I can write. There's a hard wreck right here. Big time wreck. It's called A Murder in Hollywood. The Untold Story of Tinseltown's Most Shocking Crime. Casey Sherman. Lana Turner, man, she dated the worst fucking people on the planet. This actress about, like, Mickey cone and this gangster, John Stumpanato, one of the guys she dates. I forgot his name. It's Lex something. He was like a. He was a movie star back then. He's raping her daughter two years behind her back from. She was 10 to 12.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

Didn't even get in trouble for it.

[Mark Normand]

What? How many?

[Joe DeRosa]

He got away, and it was kind of like, I don't know. She was a bad mom on top of it. I mean, she also. She was dating this gangster, John Stumpanata, and he beat the shit out of her for, like, years. Crazy story about this. This gangster's beating the crap out of her. He's jealous. He's like Mickey Cone's guy. He's super dangerous, but he. You know, they would trick people. Mickey cone and Stompingado, they would videotape celebrities in compromising positions. They were blackmail him. So you get like Cary Grant maybe doing some gay shit, and you're like, we'll end your career.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Right?

[Joe DeRosa]

So anyway, she's shooting a movie, and I think England. And the young star is Sean Connery, who's like, holy shit. This is like his big break.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

But no one knows who the fuck he is. But this gangster's jealous. They're like, wow, the rumors. They're hooking up and he's like, I'm gonna kill this guy. So he just walks up to Connery, puts a gun to his fucking chest, and goes, I don't want. I don't want to see you on the set again. Connery grabs the gun, knocks him onto the ground, punches him in the face, and the guy ran away. I'm like, holy shit. Sean Connery, man.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus. Wow. Nice to hear he didn't hit a woman.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. That crazy interview.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did you ever see when he doubles down?

[Mark Normand]

Yes. I love.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes. She interviews him, like five years later. He's like, I haven't changed my mind.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's a badass. In every Pull up the guy's name.

[Joe DeRosa]

Who was molesting Lana. Ton. I want to make sure we know his name. So I'm. You know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's Scottish. Scots don't Around.

[Joe DeRosa]

Lex something. Lana just put.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Lex.

[Joe DeRosa]

Lana Turner. I forgot. I feel. Yeah, I should know, as I did.

[Mark Normand]

A gig in Glasgow and there was a stabbing, like, right outside my theater.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

It's a. Scotland's wild.

[Seth the Magician]

There is Johnny Stampanato.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, that's not. That's a gangster Stompanato.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Scotland is. Is kind of nuts.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Everybody's really nice, but there's, like, a really wild side to it. It's like, Ireland nice. And, like, there's this wild side.

[Mark Normand]

Totally.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, the sun goes down, people start going fucking crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Big stabby, big drug place.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Dude. I was in Ireland, in Galway, and I was in an Uber, and this guy was like. He was wasted. He was, like, swerving all over the place. Whatever.

[Mark Normand]

The driver.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And then the next night, I was in another Uber, and I was talking to the Uber driver, and he's like, you know, have you enjoyed your stay getting around town? Okay. And I go, well, my Uber driver last night, I think he was drunk, he was swerving everywhere, and he goes, no, we don't do that anymore. But he said it like, oh, yeah, that's just how we used to roll. He was like, but we try not to do that.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know how the hell that goes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Would be just having, like, a fucking. A beer between your legs, you know?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, are you serious?

[Joe DeRosa]

They do to go cocktails.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Joe DeRosa]

What do you think that's for? It's not just for walking. People pull up and like, yeah, I'll have a pina colada.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The. The street in my town, the main street, where I have my house in the summertime. It starts on Memorial Day, and it goes until Like, I think, like Halloween Every weekend, 6pm Road is shut down. You can't drive down it until Monday morning.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Open container bars all have carts outside. They're selling jello shots in the street. It's fucking awesome.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's awesome. Yeah. It's this quaint little beautiful street.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Just like, let's party. It's the summertime. Let's go. It's so fucking fun.

[Mark Normand]

Covid was like that. Remember Code was in New York. They're like, fuck it, Drink outside.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's when they started doing it. Oh, and the town kept it.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know what have been a real party if the Rizzler showed up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Ah.

[Mark Normand]

In a box.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, what do you do with them, though, after he makes the face one time? You got to sit here and talk to the kid.

[Mark Normand]

You have to. What else other option do you have? You have to. That's what the subway guy did.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know, guys who are so bad at kids, they don't know what else to do.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, could there be anything worse than a kid with money? Like, I mean, could you imagine the attitude on this kid?

[Mark Normand]

I mean, rich.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Look at the way he was sitting on Fallon. Look like he deserved to be there. It's like, yeah, of course I'm here. What do you. You know?

[Mark Normand]

That's a good point. Rizzler's a star that's going to come and go. He's going to get young diabetes, and he's going to fizzle out.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's going to age well. Man, you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Is that his family next to him?

[Joe DeRosa]

No, that's the. Yeah, they're like.

[Mark Normand]

Of course.

[Joe DeRosa]

They're like, no, it's the Costco family. Yeah, he's the star. The Rizzler's the big dog.

[Mark Normand]

What's the Costco?

[Joe DeRosa]

Get him wrapped.

[Seth the Magician]

Costco next.

[Joe DeRosa]

Pull up his Holiday wrap. Dude, don't act like the Rizzler. Rizzler. Derosa, you rap. Don't act like the Rizzler doesn't have bars. Here, pull up the. His. His Holiday Wrap.

[Mark Normand]

He's got one move.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't know. I don't know. He's got range, dude.

[Mark Normand]

All right. Is this directed by a homeless pimp?

[Seth the Magician]

I think it is.

[Mark Normand]

No. How many views does this have? All right, 69. Who's that guy?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who's the other guy?

[Joe DeRosa]

They're gonna be playing this in the club, dude.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, this is why the terrorists hate us. Can you imagine Al Qaeda watching the shooter? He does.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, I want to hear Riz rap. Yeah, get to the Riz.

[Mark Normand]

Is this copywritten?

[Joe DeRosa]

Come on.

[Mark Normand]

R. Ah. This kid's hotter women than all of us. That's the worst part about it. How old is he? 12. No. With that much charisma? Please.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What's that mean?

[Mark Normand]

Conversely?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What versus the what?

[Mark Normand]

The. You can't. Third grade. So he is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, what did he say?

[Mark Normand]

Wakanda versus uk Auntie. Anyone else? Hard.

[Joe DeRosa]

Line.

[Mark Normand]

All right. No, I like it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's a good line. Light up the block, call me Clark. That's a good line.

[Mark Normand]

He doesn't even know who Griswold is.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, he's Derosa approved, though, right? Derosa wanted to hate the Rizzler, but even he can't resist his child.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, he's a kid. He's a nice kid.

[Mark Normand]

He's got to watch out, though. He sounds like Marlon Brando in the later years. He's got the fat guy throat thing going on.

[Joe DeRosa]

You come to my house, you don't bring a Snickers.

[Mark Normand]

The Snizzler?

[Joe DeRosa]

I love this kid.

[Mark Normand]

He's all right. He's all right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you think we can get homeless pimp shot?

[Mark Normand]

I think so.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I told you. Get pimp on the phone.

[Joe DeRosa]

Will we get him at a later date?

[Mark Normand]

Okay, he'll come in. I'm gonna cool it with the fat jokes.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's gonna have secret Service or fat jokes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You're making diddle jokes about him.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that is fine. That's not real. The fat is real.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Don't fuck with the soap.

[Mark Normand]

He's a cute kid. You can sit right here.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who is Eric D'Alessandro?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This guy's not huge. He's got 30,000 subscribers. Did you see videos?

[Joe DeRosa]

Put up his song with Kendrick. I'm kidding.

[Mark Normand]

I think he went after Schultz. The Rizzler.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Eric's. So Eric's a comic?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He looks familiar.

[Mark Normand]

He's in New York. He does look familiar, I guess.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, we've probably done shows with.

[Mark Normand]

Him somewhere, but, man, big, big week for waps. This guy, the shooter, Salicus.

[Joe DeRosa]

That guy's got. He's on a different diet than the Rizzler, though.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

How do you have time to get shredded and write a manifesto? I know a lot to be that angry.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's wild. So they found his manifesto.

[Mark Normand]

Three pages, handwritten, had it on him.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's only three pages, handwritten. I thought a manifesto was like.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, it's a little spaced.

[Mark Normand]

It's a little short. But, hey, Chad, GBT wrote most of it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now he's still only suspected, right?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's. It's got to be him. You know, they got the ghost gun.

[Joe DeRosa]

Some people were saying he didn't, you know, because the eyebrows are a little more connected a few days later. But guess what? As someone with eyebrows like that, if you don't bring tweezers on the road, they are gonna fucking look like that. You got it? You gotta pluck.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So the rumor is he had a back issue and that's what turned him because the medical, they wouldn't help him with his back.

[Joe DeRosa]

I got. I think I had a joke angle on this.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

For our. For our thing.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Joe DeRosa]

Something along the lines of. Yeah, that was. That's not.

[Mark Normand]

That went viral.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who's.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's the guy who reps Tommy DeVito on the. On the Giants. He's like that Italian agent.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

Look at this guy. He's perfect. But. Yeah, Antonio Brown stole your tweet.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, whatever.

[Mark Normand]

I texted you.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's. He's got bigger problems.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's a wild one. Great follow, but he's a wild dude.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He stole one of your tweets.

[Joe DeRosa]

I get. Norman told me. I didn't. I didn't know.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, if you. If you roll through, he tweets like 38 times a day, but if you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Roll through, you think it's actually him.

[Mark Normand]

I think so. Because they're as deranged and erratic as he is. Pull up Antonio Brown. Twitter ab.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, that. Like Internet culture. It's like, whoa, you alright, buddy?

[Mark Normand]

He's no rizzler.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's wild.

[Mark Normand]

We would have felt that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like YouTubers like that. That only ever did YouTube. Like, just professional YouTubers, that's their only thing. They just, like. It's weird. They just steal from each other.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Like, they're just fine with it.

[Mark Normand]

It's like comics in the 50s.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's really odd.

[Mark Normand]

It's. Hey, is that Caitlin Clar?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Mm.

[Mark Normand]

All right, good for her. Keep going, keep going, keep going till you see Sam's tweet. Oh, he tweets a lot. I'll tell you, he's nutty. Funny guy, though. But what a wacko.

[Joe DeRosa]

What do you mean he just took the tweet?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it didn't credit you either.

[Joe DeRosa]

I mean, I'm expecting he's got bigger shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What's going on with him? I don't follow any ct.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's got some. I mean, he.

[Mark Normand]

There it is. Boom. Call him. I have my client. Same joke. Off.

[Seth the Magician]

Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

I know he's a monster.

[Seth the Magician]

He's gonna kill me. But this is bullshit.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I don't even. NFL memes did this to you, too?

[Joe DeRosa]

Whatever.

[Mark Normand]

I think he just sees shit on the Internet and puts it up. I don't even know if he's like.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, he's got ct. He's got bigger problems, you know?

[Mark Normand]

It's like, so does Jason Kelsey. Hell of a beer.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And he's also a maniac that will beat people up, I think.

[Seth the Magician]

I don't know. Maniac.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't know anything.

[Joe DeRosa]

He was, like, accusing Tom. He was, like, saying Giselle tried to fuck him to Tom Brady. He's a P.S.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Jesus.

[Joe DeRosa]

He also. Tom Brady, like, took him in. Tom Brady, like, revitalize his career and got him. You know?

[Mark Normand]

He was also supposed to be on today, but he canceled the.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, Tom Brady's the guy they just roasted, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Damn, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

You really don't watch sports?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Not at all. Like, literally not at all. The only time I watch is if the Eagles are, like, going. Are in the super bowl or get to the game right before the super bowl, whatever that game.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. The playoffs.

[Joe DeRosa]

By the way, I do have to mention this really quickly. Who the hell is the Rizzlers handler that they were going to book him on a show called We Might Be Drunk?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was gonna say, it's probably his family, right? Yeah. All right. The. Was his dad gonna come or does he just send the kid?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, yeah, I've met. I met the dad at the game. The dad seems at least like. I mean, I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

They're a nice family.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's good.

[Mark Normand]

I don't want to shit on it too much.

[Joe DeRosa]

Good people really seem to care.

[Mark Normand]

So how's. I texted Shane today. Sent me some. Some tires updates.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And pretty cool stuff you guys got coming up in season two.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was fun, man. Yeah. I worked on it. You know, I wrote on it and then snuck in.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't know if I'm. I guess I can talk about. Yeah. Snuck in. Might have snuck on camera.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you always find a. Yeah, like, what's that guy doing now? I think he's homeless. No, wait, look at that headline news. He's riding on some huge show.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was right. It was funny because it was like, not right after, but it was, I guess. I bought my house in Pennsylvania a year ago, and I was. Last June, I stole my apartment in New York. And I was going back and forth, and I was like, I think I'm going to get rid of this apartment and just, you know, when I come to New York, I'll get a hotel or something. I don't want to just carry this apartment anymore. And then I got that job and it was in Philly.

[Mark Normand]

Huge.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was just kind of like, all right, I guess my mind's made up. The decision got made for me. But, you know, it was fun. Yeah, it was fun. It's fun working with Shane. Like, he's. They're all great, but, I mean, Shane is really, like. Especially, like, I'd never shot anything with him. Like, just. I'm like, God damn it. He's so funny. Like, he's.

[Mark Normand]

He's a child. The.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's riffing. I'm like, jesus Christ, man. Like, take after take and keeps changing it. It's getting, like, funnier and funnier and funnier.

[Mark Normand]

Like, well, his mind is great for sketch. We forget that we're so stand up oriented. Like, joke, joke, joke, tag. And he's got both. He's got the sketch and the stand up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's pretty impressive.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was fun, man. You had some cool people on the show on season two, too.

[Joe DeRosa]

I said, Thomas Hayden Church joined it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he's great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He was the fucking man. He was the man. And I was a huge. This. This is wild. I was a huge fan of his. You know, I love Sideways. Who doesn't love Sideways, right?

[Mark Normand]

I'm a Wings fan.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wings. He's in one of my favorite horror movies ever. I'm a huge horror movie fan. He was in a horror movie called Demon Night. It was a Tales from the Crypt movie. And he's in it. And so we're on set, but I wasn't in scenes with him, but he was there. And I kept seeing him walking by and stuff, like, as we were shooting. And I was like, I want to fucking tell him so bad how much I love Demon Knight. But, like, I don't want to. Like, you know, I don't want to look like a fanboy on set or whatever.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but that's a deep cut.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So I'm in line for lunch. I haven't met him yet. I'm in line for lunch. There's a guy standing behind me. The guy behind me goes, what do they have up there? Steak? And I turn and it's him. And I go, oh, yeah, they got steak and fish. And I go, hey, man, I'm Joe. Really nice to meet you. And he goes, yeah, man, I know who you are. I listen to the bonfire.

[Mark Normand]

He's like, I love you guys.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I was like, whoa. I go, wait, what?

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And he's like, I love the bonfire. Yeah, you guys are great, man. He's like, I really want to come to the Wells Fargo show Shane did. I'm really bummed. I missed you guys. And I was like. And so then we start talking and he's like, mid sentence, five minutes later. And I go, I'm sorry, I gotta cut you off. It's blowing my fucking mind right now that you know who the fuck I am. Because all I wanted to do all day was tell you how much I love Demon Knight.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And he goes, ah, you're the one. I wish there was a million more, you motherfuckers. This guy's awesome, man.

[Mark Normand]

I can't believe anyone listening to the Bonfire.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's a horror movie. Sorry, a horror movie about. Wait, what'd you say?

[Mark Normand]

I just said, I can't believe anyone listen to the Bonfire.

[Rachel Feinstein]

By the way, he said the full title. He goes, I listened to the Bonfire with Big J okerson and Robert Kelly.

[Mark Normand]

He said the whole title even after I got out of the soda years.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Demon Knight, it's a horror movie about. This guy is a demon, and this event happens every X amount of years where if he does all the right stuff and they don't stop him, demons will take over the earth and blah, blah, blah. So it's about the people that are in the house trying to fight him and prevent it from happening. It's fun. It's super fun.

[Mark Normand]

Now, what's lunch like over there on the set? How's that work?

[Rachel Feinstein]

There's food and you eat it.

[Mark Normand]

They give catering and everything.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah, Craft.

[Mark Normand]

So this is like a big, real shoot.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, it's a Netflix TV show that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Is small, but this is like. Yeah, they picked it up.

[Mark Normand]

That's. It was still.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was still. I mean, this in a good way. It still felt like an indie movie.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Still loose. It wasn't insane, but. Yeah, no, but full craft services and stuff. And there was these two ladies every day, and me and Stav and Shane would laugh about it every day. Day. Because they'd come around with this cart in between meals in case you were hungry in between.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And me and Stav were always like, get that cart away from me right now. Because it was never. It was always like, hey, guys, we've got cheesesteaks. Hey, guys, anybody want an Italian hoagie? Like, please, lady, I'm trying to live somewhat decently.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, by the Rizzler, Take it easy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She came around one Day with Chick Fil a. She had mountains of Chick Fil A.

[Mark Normand]

It was insane. Wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They were awesome.

[Joe DeRosa]

You can't eat that shit and then do stuff.

[Mark Normand]

That too.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's part of it too.

[Joe DeRosa]

Chick Fil A is fucking good.

[Mark Normand]

But it's weird. They do that on sets. It's like, hey, you're a hot celebrity guy or gal. Here's M and M's and craft service and shit.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I wouldn't say the cast of Tires is hot.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, that's true.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's true. They look like guys that eat cheesesteaks.

[Mark Normand]

But on like Melrose Place or Hot Boy island or Fuck Boy Dead or whatever it is, do they have this guy going around with the cheese tape?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I think on those sets it's way more like somebody's coming around with like, we made guacamole and sal. Yeah, whatever. Right.

[Mark Normand]

Got it. Got it. Okay. But hey, good for Shane. I didn't know he had a lunch lady.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I remember I did Louie and Louie. There was a guy, because this was shot a lot like Louie. Louie's the same thing. It was very, like, felt like an indie movie.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Great seeing that. You were the punch up guy. Right?

[Rachel Feinstein]

That was fun.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, that was hilarious.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thanks, man.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was fun.

[Mark Normand]

That was a big deal.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The line, my favorite line, line didn't make it into the show because I couldn't get through it without laughing because he was. He was like feeding me lines to say. And he goes, joe, I want you to say. He literally just was like. He threw the camera on me and immediately he goes, joe, I want you to say, do they validate parking? Because the fat cunt out front says they don't. And I couldn't. It was too much. Like, he fed it to me and I was like. I was laughing so hard it didn't make it in. That's a great. Yeah. The fat cunt.

[Joe DeRosa]

He's another guy. You can just riff gold.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He had a lady walk. Oh, that's what I was gonna say. He had a lady walking around with a tray and it just had a bowl of guacamole and chips. Like, you just walk up to this lady and eat guacamole. It was kind of odd.

[Mark Normand]

You were also in Better Call Saul.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was.

[Mark Normand]

You had a good run?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. You know, I'm hanging on somehow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You can ask.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're a good actor.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Well, thank you. Well, I mean, I'd like to get a real acting job.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you would?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'd like to get something where there's consistency. The one thing I got ever where I was gonna really be on the show, like, almost every episode, was this multicam called Living Biblically. And I played the. The, like, office lech. Like the. What's that word? You know, I was like the horny guy.

[Mark Normand]

The crew creep.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, the lothario. That's the one I played the office lothario.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I was kind of the heel to Jay, the main character, who was a guy that was trying to live his life by the Bible.

[Mark Normand]

Ah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And anyway, I got. We were. It was at CBS that Tony Rock. Yeah, Tony Rock was in it. Dave Krumholtz. It was fun. My friend Pat Walsh created it, and he's. He's my podcast partner.

[Mark Normand]

And the bald guy's in Frazier.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Anyway, the. There were these female executives at cbs, and they just. They never once would smile at me. They were never nice to me. I couldn't figure it out. Andy Ackerman, who directed it from Seinfeld. Yeah. Would tell me, he's like the Scorsese of sitcoms directed, like, Cheers, Frasier. So it's nuts. Anyway, he would tell me. He'd be like, yeah, we just had a meeting with the network, and, like, they fucking hate your character. They said, you're not likable. And he goes. And he said to them one day, he goes, oh, he's not likable. Then I guess we did our fucking job. He's not supposed to be likable. He's the bad guy. He's the heel. And they were just hammering hammer and hammer and whatever. And then we shot the pilot. It went great. I was a huge part of the pilot. The story revolved around my character. And then they cut the character two weeks before it went to series.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, and you're playing a douche.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, I couldn't figure it out. And then, guess what? Me too happened. Les Moonves, head of CBS Comedy, went down, and I was like, that's why they hated this character, because he raped.

[Joe DeRosa]

You couldn't play a bad dude.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What was their boss.

[Joe DeRosa]

I know, but you're not raping.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, no. But I think they were like, this is a little. We don't.

[Joe DeRosa]

Like, on the nose.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, a little on the. No.

[Joe DeRosa]

Damn.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Towards Moonves, not. You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Like, but get mad at the character, not you. Like, if you played a murderer, they would have loved you. That's the irony, theoretically.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, they never. I never got that explanation. That's my theory.

[Joe DeRosa]

They're still keeping, like, Law and Orders On.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. Network.

[Joe DeRosa]

But you know my point.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, the show was canceled mid season.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, right. You got out easy.

[Joe DeRosa]

I guess with comedy they're weirder about that. They are when it's like open and shut like a. Like a police procedural. And they're like, well, you're arrested for being bad as opposed to a guy doing it for laughs.

[Mark Normand]

They get weird because you're making light of it. I guess maybe because rappers say fucked up shit and women are singing along at the club.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's wild, dude. Because you forget, like, keep going, keep doing it. No, have fun. Enjoy yourself.

[Mark Normand]

All right. I'm having a good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, you forget, like, that was. It was right before me too. And now when I look back at the show, I'm like, you would never write a character like this on a show.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Ever. You'd never be like, let's have a guy that. That constantly cheats on his wife and brags about it and describes the sex to. On a multi cam sitcom. You'd be like, what are you nuts? They won't let that go on.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And it's like it changed so drastically.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

In a matter of months.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Barney on. What's that show, How I met your mother. His whole thing was like, I'm gonna see how many girls I can fuck in a night.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Even though he's a gay guy in real life. But he was like, you watch that show now, you're like, damn, this guy's a poon hound.

[Joe DeRosa]

But that softened it, though. They were like, well, he's gay probably.

[Mark Normand]

But I didn't know he was gay when I was watching it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, on the new season of Frasier, like the, the reboot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He goes back. There's an episode where he goes back to Seattle and goes back to the radio station and Bulldog is there. Bulldog was the character that would like, slap chicks on the ass. You know, it's wild. Again, you couldn't do it today, but they had the greatest solve for it. Bulldog goes, doc, guess what? I'm gay.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, it's a good solve.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And Fraser goes, goes, that's amazing. Bulldog. So all of that horrible behavior that you subjected those poor women to was just you repressing who you really were? And he goes, no, no, I still do it. I just do it to dudes now. I was like, that's a. That's a perfect solve.

[Mark Normand]

Beautiful out.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Don't rewrite the character. Don't make him have a moment where he's like, I learned. Yeah, just like no. Piece of. In a different way.

[Mark Normand]

Didn't Kevin Spacey do that? When they popped him with the. With the kids, he was like, but I'm gay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He tried to be like, yeah. I had a hard time time dealing with being gay, so I had to tackle a 14 year old. The Rizzler Pecker or whatever he did.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's kind of pretty insulting to gay people that they're like, you're someone underage. I'm gay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Not what gay is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, gay people came out when Kevin Spacey did that. They were like, fuck you. Oh, this isn't like your scapegoat, you know? Yeah, it was shitty.

[Mark Normand]

It's a gay scapegoat.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Anyway.

[Joe DeRosa]

Anyway, we have been trying to book Kevin Spacey on the podcast.

[Mark Normand]

We should say he's a talented actor.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Have you really been trying to get him?

[Mark Normand]

We would love to get space.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You'll get him in two seconds. He's doing comic Cons now.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, those pay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He. Well, you. You know, you guys could pay. Maybe you cover an Uber. We could uber, you know, $40 in each direction to get to this.

[Joe DeRosa]

We got you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Christ almighty. You hate to have to ask. They should just offer.

[Joe DeRosa]

Do you not offer?

[Mark Normand]

Where you going after? We'll give you a rest of balls. Okay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm just joking with you. I will take the Ubers.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do you know how many podcasts. It's wild. I've been really thinking about this lately.

[Mark Normand]

That don't Uber you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That don't Uber yet. Don't offer. You're like, guys, I'm spending money I know to come do the thing.

[Mark Normand]

Exposure.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Have somebody just be like, hey, we got you.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know what I mean?

[Mark Normand]

Or at least help me out. Like, you ever go to one in Austin and you're like, outside of a warehouse, get a guy out there going, hey, here it is. Call me.

[Joe DeRosa]

Or something happened to me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, like, they. They just expect you to get there and figure it out. But there's like, all these warehouses look the same, you know, they're like sweets.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. They're hard to find. So help me out.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah. It's the. I can't tell you.

[Mark Normand]

He'll send you. Send you over. Segura gets it. Yeah, but he's a. He's a man of.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's a man of money.

[Mark Normand]

Means of means.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah. Remind me to tell you a story after.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, all right.

[Joe DeRosa]

I got a peeve, by the way, speaking of travel.

[Mark Normand]

Peeve, please.

[Joe DeRosa]

I was just in Cleveland, and they send a car to take you to the airport in the morning. But the car, just like the second time it's happened to me with the same company in Cleveland. They just don't show up. And you know, they're like. I'm like, 10:30 flight. Yeah, you're right there. Get it for 9:30. I'm like, are you sure? Because, you know. And they're like, nine thirty, you're fine. They're not fucking there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

So luckily I have the number. I go, yeah, where are you? And they're like, yeah, we're not. We're not here. We'll be there in a second. Sorry about that. And I go, I've got a flight.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

You know, it's a. For an airport.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

And a guy goes, we're working on it. Have a blessed day. And I said, eat shit. And I hung up.

[Mark Normand]

Good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They show up.

[Joe DeRosa]

You don't. Yeah, they showed up, but it took forever. I made the flight. Barely. But also like, don't bring your fucking religious horseshit into a service. Yes, this is a service that I'm paying for. I'm not. But it's part of the gig.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, but also, too. It's so passive aggressive. It's so dismissive.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's very dismissive.

[Rachel Feinstein]

How condescending is that? Condescending is that it's like, I'm going to turn your grievance into me being the bigger person wishing you a spiritual Whatever the fuck.

[Mark Normand]

That's exactly.

[Joe DeRosa]

Have a blessed day is. Is Midwest. Go fuck yourself. It's not even like a. It's not even like, I hope. I hope you have a good day. Blessed is insane.

[Mark Normand]

I know. They're making it a religious thing. I can't grab your wife tits and. And be like, praise Allah. You know, it's not the same. It doesn't save it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's a real. I've been really obsessed with the.

[Joe DeRosa]

The. That is a good. It's a good out.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Praise Allah.

[Mark Normand]

Part of my faith.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's not the religion. Oh, wait a second.

[Mark Normand]

Well, tell her to stop driving now.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I've just been really hung up on this thing lately about like, how it's just. It's just such a take it or leave it culture anymore.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You know, I had this one.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's just. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

This. On the train to. Well, first of all, two things I want to run by you on the train today. I got on the train and I go, it's an N. So I don't know if it's local or express. Sometimes they go back and forth Like a bisexual. And I go, what? What is this local? And I do the thing where I jump on. I go, is this local or express? One guy goes, it's express.

[Joe DeRosa]

It's express.

[Mark Normand]

And I go, okay. Then another guy was, no, no, it's local. Local. And I was like. But the local guy looked more put together and the. The express guy looked like shit. So I went with a local. So I got on and it was express. And I go, what the hell, man? And he goes, yeah, the successful guy.

[Joe DeRosa]

Got further because he just is confident.

[Mark Normand]

I think you're right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That is true.

[Mark Normand]

That a show guy looked like hell, but he was right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's true.

[Joe DeRosa]

But he's. He's on those fucking trains all day.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, you're right. I should have gone by that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I apologize I didn't react stronger to that. But I was honestly, as you were telling the story, thinking about how bad I felt for both of you, that I'm the only person that showed up today. Like, this is a real.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. What the hell? Yeah. Didn't we have another guest?

[Rachel Feinstein]

But this is just.

[Mark Normand]

She's coming. She got out of her car. She's running. She's always late.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Who is it?

[Mark Normand]

This guest?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Rachel Einstein. She's always late.

[Mark Normand]

Always late.

[Joe DeRosa]

This. 33 minutes late. What the hell?

[Mark Normand]

That's how she does. Oh, well, I mean, it's pointless now. I gotta end the show, but we're happy to. I'm glad your bar is here because it keeps you coming back to New York.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm happy to be here, and I'm happy that you're happy I'm here, but it is very sad.

[Mark Normand]

It is sad.

[Joe DeRosa]

It is a sad holiday.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You guys are in pajamas.

[Joe DeRosa]

I know. We dressed up. This is like when you dress up for a bomb.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Think of Eddie Murphy did Raw and it didn't go well.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Joe DeRosa]

Pathetic.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

They keep looking at my ass.

[Joe DeRosa]

The fact that I know we could have had the Rizzler is such a. It's such a blow to the gut.

[Mark Normand]

Shouldn't have told me that.

[Joe DeRosa]

Charlie told all of his friends he.

[Mark Normand]

Was meeting the river, and I even told my bully.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You hate to hear that. For the kid.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you hate to hear.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, I got another peeve.

[Mark Normand]

Photoshop.

[Joe DeRosa]

When people in emails, they write something annoying and then write, thanks for understanding. Ooh, I didn't say understood.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, good point.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're assuming I understand, right? How about you say, sorry? Yes, thanks for understanding is a fuck you.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry goes a long way.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's ridiculous. I bought These shirts from. It's not real vintage, but it was a thing I saw on Instagram where the shop made convincingly looking vintage shirts. Whatever. They were new shirts, but they made. They weathered them. They aged them. They were faded. They looked great. So I ordered three of them. They also said they were true to size. So I ordered three larges. They show up the largest fit. Like, literally like double xls.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They're on the cheapest fucking solid black T shirts you can imagine. It's just this weather design printed on, like, I got this at Old Navy, and this looks more convincingly.

[Mark Normand]

They're selling Mitfit shirts.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Isn't that crazy?

[Mark Normand]

That's wild.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Isn't that crazy?

[Mark Normand]

Kind of ruins the brand.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. The band that has a song where he goes, I got something to say. I killed your baby today.

[Mark Normand]

I love that song.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah, It's a T shirt at Old Navy right now.

[Mark Normand]

I raped your mother.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Anyway, that's wild.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So I write to them and I go, guys, guys, the shirts are completely misrepresented on your website. They do not look like they. You made them look. These are bad designs printed on cheap T shirts. I want a refund. Three different people. I had to write three times. Three different people. It's actually kind of like the thing with the insurance guy with the bullets. Deny whatever the fuck dismiss throws in an oversized hoodie.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, yeah, dude.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They kept writing me the. They'd be like, we're sorry you're not happy with the product. Keep in mind these are made to order so the weathering will look different on every. And I go, there was no weather. You didn't age these.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You sold the thing that you're. You promised the thing that you're not selling. Well, keep in mind that whatever it was, three fucking people. And they kept saying, like, thanks for your understanding. We're happy to give you a full credit and you keep the shirts. I go, I don't want a credit for more shit I didn't want to begin with. Give me a goddamn refund. And then find. Finally, on the fourth fucking email, they were like, you can have a refund, but you have to cover the shipping cost to send it back.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So guess what? I'll never do that. I'll never take the goddamn shirts.

[Joe DeRosa]

You just wanted. You just wanted them to be like, we fucked up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I wanted them to be like, here's a refund. Keep the shirts. Don't worry about it.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry about that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You know, never wear these. Never. Huh?

[Joe DeRosa]

Deny. Defend DeRosa.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, D. D. D. I like it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. So, yeah. Anyway, it's not a great story, but the point is, is this is where we're at, people. This is the country we're living in.

[Mark Normand]

Well, also, you're lucky you got a Biden. He's still president. You got a guy on the phone or an email. At least it wasn't like a bot or hit the text help.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Well, it's funny because I DM them also. And two of the emails, like, one of the emails I got was identical text to the.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So they clearly form, you know, response. And I was. My friend used to work in insurance. No, it was at a bank. It was a bank. He said they were instructed if the. Because they, you know, they keep a file open and they make notes about your calls to complain about shit. And he was like, until it says they've called three times, do not give them. He goes, because if. Because if they really want it and they're telling the truth, they will call three times.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Well, you ever try to get a hold of Uber, you got a text mail, there's no phone number even. You gotta like write in. It's crazy. And it takes two days for them to get back.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I talked to them on the phone once, cuz they called me.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Cuz I had a crazy driver that said I punched him.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Yeah. And I was like, why are you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Just pulling up this picture? This kid behind him?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I was like, guys, there were two other people in the car.

[Joe DeRosa]

He just doesn't know we can see a screen. He's just like Ouija shirtless, shirtless.

[Mark Normand]

Might be a gay guy. Oh, he is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I thought they confirmed that he was gay.

[Mark Normand]

Look at the way he's holding that McDonald's box. That's the. The. The movements of a homosexual. Look at that. Oh, yeah, that's a homosexual.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that's a happy. That's a happy meal.

[Mark Normand]

That's the only time he's touching a box that makes. Caught at McDonald's too. This guy can't stay away from McDonald's. I know. And he's an RFK fan.

[Joe DeRosa]

It makes me feel better than. Because when. When dudes are that ripped and they're not gay, I'm a little bit like, what's going on?

[Mark Normand]

What is going on? This one, that Baby Joe's back.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'll come in here and bartend one episode.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, hell yeah. I would love you not talking is a real good S. How do you feel as a pison Is this nothing.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah, there's no discrimination against Italians anymore. Yeah, but how about all those Sopranos memes?

[Mark Normand]

It's hilarious.

[Joe DeRosa]

They're great, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but people like he just shot the guy in the street. That's really gone up. That's what's cool about him being Italians. You can make racist jokes still about him.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The cares about the most Italian name I've ever heard.

[Mark Normand]

Oh my God, by the way, I've.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Never, I'm not exaggerating. I have never ever in life heard of anybody named Luigi.

[Mark Normand]

I haven't either.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Except for Super Mario Brothers.

[Mark Normand]

Same.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I have never encountered an actual Luigi ever. Yeah, well, heard of a guy whose.

[Mark Normand]

Name was my joke on him. Hey, you could put him in jail, but he's just gonna get out through the pipes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that's good.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, I'll take it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's very good. See, sometimes you come out with a good one.

[Mark Normand]

Didn't get a laugh. I just gotta. That's good.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But I'll take on the Bert roast or whatever. The jelly roll.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I could have used that one on the jelly roll.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Tell me some of the jelly roll jokes that bombed. Oh, I mean, you had to hit him with a couple fat jokes, right?

[Mark Normand]

Of course, of course.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did any of them hit?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, a couple hit.

[Joe DeRosa]

What were some good ones.

[Mark Normand]

Gez, I can't. This is how ill prepared I was that I, I had nothing memorized pre.

[Joe DeRosa]

Going into a roast.

[Mark Normand]

I know, cuz the jokes were solid. So just like, I'll read it, it'll be great. Which is a, you know, cardinal sin number one. But I got off stage and Kid Rock saw me in the green room and he go. I go, hey, I'm Mark. And he goes, horrible performance. And I go, good to meet you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Fuck him.

[Mark Normand]

I know, he's a bit of a cunt.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Fuck him.

[Mark Normand]

But he was right. He was right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He just fucking posted. I guess he was with some friends of his that were Democrats or something and they were all hanging out at his bar or whatever. And he goes, he goes, this is what it looks like all caps. When reasonable Americans that have different opinions move towards the same goal. And it's like, yeah, that's a great sentiment. I don't want to hear from the guy that shot a case of Bud Light with a machine gun. Really? You're gonna start talking about rational behavior right now? Go fuck yourself.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow, I can't believe he said that to you.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah, well, he was, he was half in the bag, but that's how he is. He's like A blunt, you know, I say how it is I shoot from the hip. Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I tell it like it is and.

[Mark Normand]

He owns that town. We went to his bar after and it was like jelly Roll went up. Burt went, I can't believe.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't believe you fucking hung out after this.

[Mark Normand]

I had to drink it away, away. It was. It was just pure song.

[Joe DeRosa]

Who are you hanging with to get away?

[Mark Normand]

The whole group went. We went to his bar and he had a band like that guy Marcus King.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Aurelius King.

[Mark Normand]

Marcus King, yeah, he was there. I mean, it was just like a who's who. Then jelly rolling on the place when ape.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

It felt like the seller went back one day.

[Joe DeRosa]

You gotta. You gotta hold like a jerk store moment. You gotta have like a moment where you hit him back with terrible performance. It might take 30, 40 years.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Joe DeRosa]

You wait till he holds, man. He puts on a half ass concert.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Go to any one of his shows.

[Mark Normand]

I'll fly to one.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, they'll be cheering, but it will be a terrible performance.

[Joe DeRosa]

I can't believe you bombed.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I also zinged him a lot. And I think maybe he was like, oh, anything good? I just, you know, kept it light. I said, you know, he's ball went to bed and he sucks. And Big J looks like the last guy to listen to Kid Rock. And I. I had a couple, but he didn't like them.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The Jelly Roll is a tough guy to roast because he's so nice.

[Mark Normand]

He's very nice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I feel like the whole audience, if you're being like, look at his fat ass, they're like, hey, hey.

[Mark Normand]

No, they were in on it. And he's laughing on stage, but I went third to last. And it was like a 14 person roast of just scratching out jokes. Hey, speaking of last.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, God, they pig right in here.

[Mark Normand]

Didn'T they, Ody, Wearing a burqa.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right. Did he get you on a flying carpet? Is that why you were so late?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What's this? Why is that bag so big?

[Sam Talbot]

Because I picked my daughter up from preschool, I took her to McDonald's, she threw a tantrum at McDonald's.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Shot a CEO.

[Sam Talbot]

She called me a Latin curse word. She called me. She called me a binci. Like a bitch or something like that. Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Where'd she learn that?

[Sam Talbot]

I don't know. She called me a loco bitch or crazy bitch or something.

[Mark Normand]

Donald, she a crypto.

[Sam Talbot]

But they did say they were like, Matt was. Your outfits are amazing. I came in. I know him a lot, but he's A Jew.

[Mark Normand]

I'm Pepto.

[Sam Talbot]

Matt did say, like, come anytime, and then you just text me a second time, which made me think you were bumping me because you were like, look, no rush, you know, whenever. So I was like, oh, they're gonna have like some big P. I'll come at the bottom.

[Joe DeRosa]

No, Literally everyone stood us up.

[Mark Normand]

We had big people. They bailed.

[Sam Talbot]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

Well, we had Larsler. We had Chris D. We had Louise.

[Sam Talbot]

Well, I've been on the Stars Network, so. Oh, get off my dick.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Talbot]

Perhaps you haven't heard of Pumps and Punchlines. Major tour.

[Mark Normand]

Tyler Perry produced that.

[Sam Talbot]

It is disgusting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Punchlines. God, you women are so stupid.

[Sam Talbot]

We are. We're a dumb breed.

[Mark Normand]

Women who kill. That was always a big one with the lady comedy shows. Funny period.

[Sam Talbot]

Funny period was just the most insulting of all of them.

[Joe DeRosa]

Is that real?

[Sam Talbot]

It was. Which one was funny period? Just call it Bleeding Across America. Just call it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Call it Bitches on the Rag.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'll always send Rachel, like, on Instagram, I'll find shows like that where it'll be like, you know, you know, vaginally. Hilarious.

[Sam Talbot]

Vaginally.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'll just send her the. The screenshot of the flyer and I'll be like, you are a bunch of stupid bitches. Look at this. This is heinous.

[Sam Talbot]

It's very Ashes and giggles.

[Mark Normand]

Flash lips. Yeah, there's all kinds of them there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Sam Talbot]

No, the pointless holes too are made gross the most, though. I've never made as much money as I did on the pointless holes that deserve to be punished to her.

[Mark Normand]

Pointless Holes. That's a keeper.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That actually would be. That would actually be funny if there was an all female show and they called it Pointless Holes to make fun.

[Sam Talbot]

Of all we could actually get away with doing that was it. Was I doing a breast cancer benefit and Joe said I should call it Titty Cancer Extravaganza. He's like, you could do it. I'm like, no, it's American Cancer Society more.

[Mark Normand]

But you got to start your own one. And you're right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

If you do your own produced show, you could call it Pointless Holes. It would be hilarious. That's great that you're making fun of these shows that are like, vaginally termed or whatever.

[Seth the Magician]

I don't think people going to get.

[Joe DeRosa]

That though, on the fly, would they?

[Mark Normand]

How about Clits and Bits?

[Sam Talbot]

We should.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Clicks and Bits is not bad.

[Sam Talbot]

Drunk to Rosa would be a great manager. You could do it. Come on.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Come on, baby.

[Sam Talbot]

Come on, baby.

[Mark Normand]

Yelled at by him. That would be Scary on the phone, you cunt.

[Sam Talbot]

Can I have a drink?

[Mark Normand]

Like, oh, what do you need?

[Sam Talbot]

Like anything. Like, don't waste anything.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm going to Spark Steakhouse for dinner with Paul Italia after this.

[Joe DeRosa]

Be a good one, Sparks.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sparks is awesome. It's awesome.

[Sam Talbot]

We should go and crash it and just to network, we should.

[Mark Normand]

Have you heard? Sparks is great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Every waiter is like nine martinis. It's fucking. Sparks is awesome. You would love Sparks.

[Joe DeRosa]

I gotta go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Some Sparks is awesome. But the reason I bring that up is because we're talking about roasts. So they roasted Paul for his 50th birthday at the stand and I had a run of fat jokes about Chris.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he's fat.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They bombed.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Because the friends and family were like, that's not funny. It's not like he's overweight and he shouldn't. He shouldn't.

[Joe DeRosa]

It was only worse when you're like under 35.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh.

[Sam Talbot]

Because I heard it was the jokes that weren't funny. But maybe that was just.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This is one of the jokes. You'll like this joke. This is one of the jokes. Paul's a brother. Chris, out of the two brothers. Believe it or not, Paul's not the fat one. That's a funny joke.

[Mark Normand]

That's fun.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Is it not? Bombed.

[Sam Talbot]

Roasts are hard.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Chris makes a living opening doors for comedians despite the fact that he blocks any dory standing in front of a bad joke.

[Mark Normand]

Is it solid left?

[Sam Talbot]

No.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, you didn't. You shittily smirked. Sam, what's going on with you today?

[Mark Normand]

You're like me at the Jelly Sickness is. Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

And you hugged me and I'm going to be. I'm going to be sick.

[Joe DeRosa]

I hope you are right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Come on. Do you think you're sick?

[Sam Talbot]

Every time Joe a girl, he calls me up saying he's got aids. So don't tell him you're sick.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Sam Talbot]

Joe is such a Jew. It's what a Jew Joe is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I know.

[Sam Talbot]

Oh, God.

[Rachel Feinstein]

The way.

[Joe DeRosa]

The way he confidently said, haven't got it yet. That really bugs me. He said it like he the last cowboy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean like that. I just went like that. Way more like.

[Sam Talbot]

That's why it's the funniest combination. Because he's like a throbbing hypochondriac. But also he loves prostitutes. It's just a fun loving combo.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Prostitutes. Would you stop it? And they're called sex workers now.

[Sam Talbot]

I'm sorry, Poppy. I'm learning. I'm learning.

[Joe DeRosa]

Guys. That get offended by that are still pieces of. Yeah, it's called I'm. I'm. I'm supporting a small business.

[Sam Talbot]

Okay, that would be a great divorce argument. Okay, well, the better be in that suitcase. Let's go to a caller.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, what's happening?

[Mark Normand]

Magic.

[Sam Talbot]

Magic.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Christ. Come on, guys.

[Mark Normand]

Matt Peters.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm going to say you really blew the Christmas part of this year.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Guys, I said. I. I said I'd pay for my own Uber. Don't make me sit there. This right.

[Mark Normand]

This guy's a pro.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right. That guy's very good.

[Sam Talbot]

You guys, while he sets up, can I just say that.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, aren't you the two people brought the Jewish cake in?

[Seth the Magician]

No, different Jews.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Different people.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah, different people are.

[Sam Talbot]

Deroza calls me every Christmas and goes, you know what you did to our goddamn savior, Easter. Who cares?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Joe, shut up. He rises.

[Sam Talbot]

Who cares?

[Rachel Feinstein]

And I make it clear to you that he will not be stopped by the likes of you people.

[Sam Talbot]

Okay, that was fair.

[Mark Normand]

That was fair.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'll allow it.

[Sam Talbot]

He's like, you swine. Little piggy. You know, you did to our savior, you rat.

[Mark Normand]

Fun. That's love.

[Sam Talbot]

Yeah, it is fun. I look forward to it every Easter and Christmas you remind me.

[Joe DeRosa]

Christmas.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm gonna hit you early this like.

[Sam Talbot]

You know what you did when you nailed him up there, you juice swine.

[Mark Normand]

I'm gonna call you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm gonna call you a pointless hole like. Like the hole you nailed into our.

[Sam Talbot]

Savior, you know, I will say, when we killed Jesus, it felt like closure.

[Mark Normand]

It was Jew on Jew crime, was it not?

[Rachel Feinstein]

He was Jewish. Yes.

[Mark Normand]

So. Yeah.

[Sam Talbot]

But some say that's how heinous her.

[Rachel Feinstein]

People are that he turned on.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh yeah, he turned on them.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't want to be a part.

[Mark Normand]

Of this self hating, self loathing Jew.

[Sam Talbot]

Jessica brought a menorah to. To the comedy seller and Keith just started saying, the Jews will not replace us.

[Mark Normand]

The Jews will not.

[Sam Talbot]

Comics really are just deep, deep, deep trash.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry, sir. You're trying to set up your nice magic.

[Seth the Magician]

Things are going so well for the Jews right now. Walk in for this. Feels really comforting.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sorry.

[Joe DeRosa]

We're Jews.

[Seth the Magician]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

Look at the outfit.

[Seth the Magician]

I noticed. You look great. You look fantastic.

[Mark Normand]

I am not.

[Seth the Magician]

That's a yuck. No, that's okay. We love you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You guys have a rich. You have a rich history of.

[Seth the Magician]

I think you.

[Mark Normand]

You're up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Magic Hitler made 60 million disappear.

[Sam Talbot]

Oh my.

[Joe DeRosa]

Did you say 60? Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wow. You gave us even more.

[Mark Normand]

That didn't happen.

[Sam Talbot]

He gave us his.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's that's the magic.

[Mark Normand]

That's the magic.

[Seth the Magician]

This is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You weren't offended by that, right?

[Seth the Magician]

I think you're just upset because you now realize you're. We have more of us than you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes.

[Seth the Magician]

Not Arab.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I feel cornered right now. It would be great if he just.

[Joe DeRosa]

Took a gun out of there and shot.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, Italian Jew.

[Seth the Magician]

She's an Italian G. I'm Arab.

[Rachel Feinstein]

But I was adopted by Italians. Don't get me wrong. I come from disgusting people.

[Joe DeRosa]

Sex workers.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't like my people any more than yours. I think it's all gross.

[Joe DeRosa]

No.

[Sam Talbot]

I heard your mom was, like, the most fun whore at the party. I heard she was.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I was adopted by Italians. I kid. Can't win.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Seth the Magician]

Oh, Arab.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Then into it. It couldn't get adopted by some nice wasps? A little bit of cash.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

This guy doesn't know what he walked into. I'm sorry. So what kind of magic are we doing here?

[Seth the Magician]

My wife actually got me tickets to see your show in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

[Joe DeRosa]

Am I going there? What a hole town that is. Jesus Christ.

[Seth the Magician]

Connecticut for you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

This is the past.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank God. I was like, I better not be.

[Seth the Magician]

Just about to be too big for the name of the club.

[Sam Talbot]

And then he simmered back down again.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Which is probably the stress.

[Sam Talbot]

And then reality set in.

[Joe DeRosa]

I remember Jim Jeffries one time leaving Caroline's. It was like 12 years ago. He just looked at. He goes, well, see this place on the way back down.

[Seth the Magician]

I. I didn't get a chance to formally meet Seth.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Hi, Seth. I'm Joe. Nice to meet you.

[Seth the Magician]

Nice to meet you.

[Sam Talbot]

Rachel.

[Mark Normand]

Rachel.

[Seth the Magician]

Yes, we met.

[Mark Normand]

Hamas.

[Seth the Magician]

We. We met. Yes, we met. Nice to meet you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

We.

[Seth the Magician]

We did. We did meet in the elevator.

[Mark Normand]

He's a good ex.

[Joe DeRosa]

So you saw me at. In Bridgeport, Connecticut.

[Seth the Magician]

I did. I saw you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It was my.

[Seth the Magician]

My birthday present, actually. Big fan. I'm a little nervous, but you're doing great.

[Joe DeRosa]

You're doing great.

[Sam Talbot]

Don't worry. Sam is a toxic person, but the rest of us are pretty nice.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Seth the Magician]

He's really showing me that.

[Mark Normand]

So we have a rugala if you need it.

[Seth the Magician]

Oh, you know, I actually, at the end of this, I definitely need to try some bodega cat.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Seth the Magician]

I can't find any.

[Sam Talbot]

How about at the beginning of it, huh?

[Mark Normand]

I'll.

[Sam Talbot]

I should go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I actually am excited to see me. I. I am. I find it wondrous.

[Seth the Magician]

That's great. Which way. Which way is the best way to face? Face this way.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I can See into your box. Does that matter?

[Joe DeRosa]

We should be okay.

[Seth the Magician]

We're gonna have our first lovely assistant. Mr. Mark Norman's gonna come up and help us out. And everybody's gonna give him a big round of applause.

[Sam Talbot]

My goodness.

[Seth the Magician]

That's awesome. Oh, you look good.

[Sam Talbot]

Look at that fat ass.

[Seth the Magician]

I'm gonna have you come right over here. Yeah, we look great. Come stand right over here. Face everybody's thighs.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Seth the Magician]

You got it. And I learned a trick this morning just for you. Now, I have a couple important questions. What's the most important thing in life?

[Mark Normand]

Anal.

[Seth the Magician]

Anal. The answer is trust. You need to trust me, Seth the magician. You do everything right, you'll be fine.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, I trust you.

[Seth the Magician]

Two hands, Sam. The best part about this is if you tell people you're a magician, they do whatever you want. It's awesome.

[Sam Talbot]

Wait, Mark is breaking up. Is that allowed?

[Seth the Magician]

That is allowed. Okay, perfect. You can relax for one second. I'm gonna ask you two important questions. First important question. What's the most important thing in life?

[Mark Normand]

Trust.

[Seth the Magician]

Trust. Second important question. Do you have any shoulder mobility issues?

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Seth the Magician]

I know you have some back problems.

[Joe DeRosa]

I'm getting better. I've gotten better.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right, enough.

[Seth the Magician]

Here's what we're gonna do. Place both hands out for me. All right, here's we're gonna do. Place this in your left hand.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Seth the Magician]

I have my bottle of water imported from Poland.

[Mark Normand]

Can't believe we almost did the Rizzler.

[Seth the Magician]

I know you guys had O's on, so that's why I had big shoes to fill. Hopefully, if we do this right.

[Mark Normand]

You got it. You do. Doing great. Wait, do I need water in this one?

[Seth the Magician]

No, you're good. Just in this one. High five. That was fun. Place both hands on the cup. Turn face this way. Say, I trust Seth the magician.

[Mark Normand]

I trust Seth the magician.

[Seth the Magician]

Perfect.

[Mark Normand]

Face forward. Ah. Now you gotta pour it on.

[Seth the Magician]

Say, hi, I trust Seth the magician.

[Mark Normand]

I trust Seth. Magician.

[Joe DeRosa]

Right hand.

[Seth the Magician]

Place that over your head.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, jeez.

[Seth the Magician]

Your head's over here, buddy. On the count of three, we're gonna flip over those cups. You're gonna do this because you trust me. I'm your friends. Are you ready, Sam? You ready, Rachel?

[Mark Normand]

On my head. Yeah.

[Seth the Magician]

On the count of three, help me count to three.

[Rachel Feinstein]

We go. You know it's gonna be magic. It's not gonna.

[Seth the Magician]

Flip it over.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Interesting choice. Interesting choice. You chose to almost dump it all over the equipment instead of your own head.

[Seth the Magician]

You can head back to your seat. Yeah, we're gonna get to Some explanations right now.

[Mark Normand]

They're.

[Rachel Feinstein]

They're literally the literal you. That literally has to be magic that you just did.

[Seth the Magician]

Yes.

[Rachel Feinstein]

There's no other way that could have been anything but magic.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I watched you pour the water in the cup. Never left your left hand.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know what I'm doing.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It has to be magic. Unless it's some kind of water that evaporates. Evaporates or something.

[Sam Talbot]

I'll tell you. I'll tell you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, quickly evaporates. Did you ever see the Prestige?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Great movie.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. Where he's like. He's like, you have to kill the bird. Like, that's the sacrifice. You want the bird disappearing trick to work, you have to kill the bird.

[Seth the Magician]

I just want to go on record. That's not true in the slightest.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Michael Kane said of the Prestige.

[Joe DeRosa]

This guy's a dick.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Best Christopher Nolan movie.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Michael.

[Rachel Feinstein]

My true.

[Sam Talbot]

I'm a dumb.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You stupid slit.

[Mark Normand]

Did you come in drunk, man? Pointless hole.

[Seth the Magician]

I'm going to need to catch up.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Call her a pointless hole.

[Sam Talbot]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Go.

[Seth the Magician]

Rachel, this. This is for you. Don't blink or you'll miss it.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Seth the Magician]

No, I. I brought a.

[Joe DeRosa]

A.

[Seth the Magician]

A modern version of one of the first tricks I used to do.

[Mark Normand]

She need.

[Seth the Magician]

Need my trusty magic wands. Rachel, did you see what happened?

[Sam Talbot]

No.

[Seth the Magician]

It changed and filled back up. Tada.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, there's another one in there.

[Seth the Magician]

I know what you're thinking, Mark. Change it back. Tada.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, come on.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's. This is part of it. Guys is saying there's two bottles. There's going to be, like, no bottles in it in a second. He's going to do.

[Sam Talbot]

Oh, my God. That was crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Can you reverse an abortion?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I don't like her. I'm not drinking this cursed beer. Whatever black magic soiled it with. That was nuts.

[Mark Normand]

That was great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's his piss, by the way.

[Seth the Magician]

It is. Slowly.

[Mark Normand]

I want the magic piss.

[Seth the Magician]

Sam, this is for you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Oh.

[Seth the Magician]

Let's keep going. All right, Sam, I'm gonna. I'm gonna tell you the truth. The. The lower the number, the quicker this goes.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay.

[Seth the Magician]

Can you pick a number for me? Between 1 and 50?

[Mark Normand]

2.

[Joe DeRosa]

5. Beautiful.

[Seth the Magician]

Any reason?

[Joe DeRosa]

I Thinking of a low number.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Perfect.

[Seth the Magician]

Now here's what we're gonna do. I left a prediction. I'm gonna. I'm gonna leave this right over here for you.

[Mark Normand]

Would you say five?

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Talbot]

Matt, can we play some soft piano music? Just some suspenseful.

[Seth the Magician]

Sam, here's what we're gonna do.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Watch.

[Seth the Magician]

I'm gonna do this really slow. We're gonna 1, 2, 3, 4. Actually, before we start, do you have a pocket? I'm gonna give you a prediction.

[Joe DeRosa]

A pocket?

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't have pockets in this. Oh, I do have pockets.

[Seth the Magician]

I'm give you a prediction. Do you mean a favor?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Seth the Magician]

Place this in your pocket. Don't look at it just yet.

[Sam Talbot]

Not the one that's full of coins.

[Seth the Magician]

Perfect. All right, we're gonna go.

[Joe DeRosa]

I like. That's a cute little kid there.

[Sam Talbot]

A.

[Seth the Magician]

All right, ready? We Saying we go. 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5. Keeping me. Keeping me honest.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, here.

[Seth the Magician]

I'll do like this so everybody can see. Now, before we show you your card, I want to tell you it's not the same card.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay?

[Seth the Magician]

There's only one of each. It's actually your card divided in half.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, wait a minute.

[Seth the Magician]

Okay, check it out.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, me too. Seven.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay, seven.

[Mark Normand]

What about it?

[Seth the Magician]

My prediction was your card divided in.

[Joe DeRosa]

Half, so it would have to be 3.5 is.

[Mark Normand]

I thought you were 5.

[Seth the Magician]

All right, here.

[Sam Talbot]

No, he was 5.

[Seth the Magician]

Take a look for him. Me?

[Joe DeRosa]

What the.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait a minute.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, three and a half.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait a minute. All right, I'm going to be honest. I tuned out for the whole setup of that.

[Mark Normand]

What was it?

[Sam Talbot]

That's how they get you, Joe. That's how they get you.

[Seth the Magician]

I want to show you some girl.

[Mark Normand]

In the school green to rosa's.

[Seth the Magician]

We got 1, 2, 3, 4. You didn't. You didn't pick 4 because 4 would have been blank. Yeah, 6 was blank. Actually, the whole.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you're showing the hella sausages.

[Sam Talbot]

Oh, my God. I love it when they show you is blank.

[Seth the Magician]

Except for one. Joe, do me a favor. Before we started, I'm lost, but do me a favor. Can you flip over that card box for me?

[Rachel Feinstein]

What is it supposed to be? That's going to make us freak out.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right, take a look.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It's going to be a five. It's going to be the number he said.

[Joe DeRosa]

I really.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I'm sorry.

[Joe DeRosa]

Person with a attention span trying to do magic here.

[Seth the Magician]

Wow.

[Joe DeRosa]

What does it say? All right. Five.

[Sam Talbot]

That is amazing.

[Joe DeRosa]

That was good.

[Mark Normand]

He's good.

[Sam Talbot]

Do you know that, you know that episode of, like, the Simpsons when Homer's too dumb to, like, be, like, hypnotized and they try to get him into a cult? Yeah, that's what I feel like during. Remember, they keep showing in the same movie. They're like, now what do you believe?

[Joe DeRosa]

He's like.

[Sam Talbot]

I think that one guy was working for the other guy. Sometimes I feel like that because, well, me and Joe run pretty dumb. But I can tell you're really good at this.

[Seth the Magician]

We try. We try.

[Mark Normand]

What about the wife? Is she gonna do stuff?

[Seth the Magician]

She is just going to contemplate that she married a magician. Joe, you're not doing anything?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Nope.

[Seth the Magician]

Do me a favor. I know we might be drunk, so I brought all little shot glasses. Okay, here's what I'm going to ask you to do. Just check out that shot glass for me. See if there's any. You see anything inside you can't see through or anything like that. Perfect.

[Joe DeRosa]

Now.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now it's clean.

[Joe DeRosa]

Perfect.

[Seth the Magician]

Now here's what I want you to do. Whatever number you want, I want you to just have it face up and place the shot glass on top. And let me know when you're done.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now, really? Really, though. Really go crouch, like, in the corner, so we know that you're not like.

[Mark Normand]

A bad little boy.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Where would name again? Miss, I'm so sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Gabby.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Gabby, I'd like you to also turn around.

[Sam Talbot]

Tell somebody crouch.

[Mark Normand]

Wait.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Now what do I do once I have my number?

[Seth the Magician]

Place it on top.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Place to leave the room. I don't trust that he's not.

[Sam Talbot]

No one trusts Al Q.

[Mark Normand]

No. Get out of here.

[Sam Talbot]

Look at those two little rats whispering in each other's ears. I know what they're up to.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes, sir.

[Seth the Magician]

To the shot glass on top.

[Mark Normand]

You want to check their papers?

[Seth the Magician]

All right, here's what I want. I want you just. Just say, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I'm gonna. So there's really no such thing as magic. And so what we really try and do is read people. So I want you to just say, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I will say it. I'm gonna say it like this.

[Seth the Magician]

Okay?

[Rachel Feinstein]

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Seth the Magician]

Say one more time.

[Mark Normand]

Now I get why he's adopted.

[Sam Talbot]

I know. Why would the dumbest person we know outsmart a magician?

[Seth the Magician]

You paused at 1. Show me the 2.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I did not pause at one.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, take a look.

[Seth the Magician]

Show me the two.

[Mark Normand]

Damn it.

[Joe DeRosa]

Whoa.

[Seth the Magician]

What are you. Let's do this one more time. Let's do this one more time.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Let's do one more time.

[Sam Talbot]

This is the equivalent to what you're doing to him is equivalent to like, just some whole walking up at the Cellar and being like, my friends and I are so freaking hilarious.

[Seth the Magician]

Another bar mitzvah than magic for you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Seth the Magician]

I'd rather do perform at another bar mitzvah than do magic for you. No, I'm just Kidding.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Wait, wait. Go back to the corner.

[Sam Talbot]

Stop giving timeouts, you dicks.

[Rachel Feinstein]

No, I want to do this again. Hold on a second. I want to that. Can we do it one more time?

[Seth the Magician]

All right, let's do one more time.

[Mark Normand]

Jeez. You got to chip in for the pay.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Let's have fun here. Be paid by the hour.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, he's Jewish. All right, my cup is covered.

[Mark Normand]

All right, we got a covered cup.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I mean, my dice is cup. D is covered.

[Seth the Magician]

Here's what we're going to do.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right, here's. I'm going to.

[Seth the Magician]

Every time. Let's. Let's do a little different. Everything I ask you, I want you just to say no to Just always respond.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Can I do the thing where I recite the numbers?

[Sam Talbot]

Oh, my God.

[Seth the Magician]

Do me a favor. Just go. Every. Everything I say, just say no. Or do you want to do 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Rachel Feinstein]

What do you want to do? I really want to do 1, 2.

[Mark Normand]

All right, let's do it.

[Joe DeRosa]

This is.

[Mark Normand]

You're like the guy whose birthday party it is. You're like, let's do it again.

[Sam Talbot]

Just keep going. We've already established your numbers.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah. One more time.

[Mark Normand]

What D. I heard about pause?

[Seth the Magician]

You heard it?

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Seth the Magician]

At three. Show me the three.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Wow.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Did I pause it for you?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you did.

[Sam Talbot]

You did.

[Mark Normand]

I caught it.

[Seth the Magician]

So here. Here's what we're going to do.

[Rachel Feinstein]

That's amazing, man. You're really good.

[Mark Normand]

No poker face.

[Seth the Magician]

I. I got you present.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy. Oh, come on. I hope it's a personality.

[Seth the Magician]

No, we're gonna get back to it in one second. We'll just leave it right there for you.

[Joe DeRosa]

Matches.

[Seth the Magician]

Looks beautiful.

[Mark Normand]

That is a good match.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well done.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Maybe is. Is there a better mood inside that box?

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Seth the Magician]

So you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You made it.

[Seth the Magician]

You made a two digit number, Joe.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Seth the Magician]

All right, we're just gonna keep going.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Seth the Magician]

I don't want Sam to fall asleep on me. If my hero falls asleep on me, it doesn't make me feel good. All right, so you made a two digit number correct?

[Rachel Feinstein]

I made a two.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah. Your first number and your second number.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, yes. Yes.

[Seth the Magician]

Okay, here's do.

[Mark Normand]

Is it two and a three?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yes.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah, got it. Mark, can you do me a favor? Just open up some mic notes here.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, the Notes app.

[Seth the Magician]

The Notes app.

[Mark Normand]

All right, perfect.

[Seth the Magician]

And I want you to scroll down to. You should be at Celebrities.

[Mark Normand]

Your Celebrities.

[Seth the Magician]

Can you just memorize who's at 23?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, not. I got it. Can I show Rachel?

[Seth the Magician]

Sure. But don't Say it out loud for me.

[Sam Talbot]

Jarring porn. I wait.

[Mark Normand]

23.

[Sam Talbot]

Okay, got it.

[Seth the Magician]

And can you go. Can you go back? Back?

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Seth the Magician]

And go to groceries.

[Mark Normand]

Groceries. Got it.

[Seth the Magician]

Perfect. And I want you to scroll again to 23 for me.

[Mark Normand]

One cucumber mineral oil. What number?

[Seth the Magician]

23.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, got it.

[Seth the Magician]

Got it. Okay, Now, Sam, you've been holding on to my prediction.

[Mark Normand]

You.

[Seth the Magician]

You can just put that down if you want.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This is wild.

[Seth the Magician]

If you have two things in mind, I got a.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You have.

[Seth the Magician]

You have a 23 celebrity.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Seth the Magician]

As well as a grocery item.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we both got.

[Rachel Feinstein]

It is insane what is about to happen right now.

[Seth the Magician]

Sam, I got you present. Can you open it up for me?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, geez.

[Rachel Feinstein]

This is nuts.

[Mark Normand]

You remember it, or are you just a bleeding gash?

[Sam Talbot]

I am, in fact, a bleeding gash. All right, Let me tell you.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, man.

[Seth the Magician]

Do you need some scissors?

[Joe DeRosa]

I do.

[Mark Normand]

This is. Is if this.

[Seth the Magician]

You can punch it.

[Mark Normand]

If this is what I saw on the phone.

[Sam Talbot]

Say one's meat Curtains was your favorite of all.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do.

[Mark Normand]

All right, Sam.

[Seth the Magician]

Here we go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I do like.

[Seth the Magician]

He's got it.

[Mark Normand]

Hatchet wound.

[Sam Talbot]

Oh, hatchet wound is honey pot Ernest.

[Seth the Magician]

Ooh.

[Mark Normand]

And from Ernest Goes to jail. Camp potato.

[Seth the Magician]

Oh, Were you. What were you think that that's not where you were thinking?

[Mark Normand]

No, but I know you're not thrown off. Are you there?

[Rachel Feinstein]

This is part of it. They do this.

[Mark Normand]

They do.

[Joe DeRosa]

This wasn't much of a present right here.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Seth the Magician]

I did bring an emergency consolation.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Talbot]

That's how they, in fact, get you.

[Mark Normand]

No Jews in the building. Wait a minute. This is different.

[Seth the Magician]

Who owns this building? There's a giant mezuzah when you walk in. That's true, Sam. I feel really bad, so I brought. I brought a. A consolation prize. Brought a bunch of cereals.

[Mark Normand]

Yamile yam. I'll see you all in hell.

[Seth the Magician]

Can you. Can you do me a favor, Sam? Can you just take out any one of the cereals you want?

[Mark Normand]

Just pick a cereal. Any cereal.

[Sam Talbot]

Grocery getter bag.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right.

[Seth the Magician]

Do you want to change your mind?

[Joe DeRosa]

No, no.

[Mark Normand]

Fruit loop it is.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right.

[Seth the Magician]

Can you do me a favor? Will you.

[Mark Normand]

This is getting pretty elaborate. Seth.

[Seth the Magician]

Will you open. Will you open that up for me?

[Joe DeRosa]

We're just here for hours. He's like, I got you another cereal.

[Rachel Feinstein]

He's like, no, down the street.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, take out a dress.

[Joe DeRosa]

Okay. All right, Go ahead.

[Seth the Magician]

Can you. Can you open that up for me? And can you open up the cereal?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God. This is unbelievable.

[Joe DeRosa]

Because you were saying that you found prizes in here, right?

[Mark Normand]

You got all. You got a shot of this guy. Okay, great. I don't.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, that.

[Mark Normand]

Can you.

[Seth the Magician]

Can you stand inside the cereal? There should be something.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit.

[Joe DeRosa]

Joan Rivers eating Cheetos.

[Seth the Magician]

Mark, what was it?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Stop it.

[Mark Normand]

Tell him, Rich.

[Sam Talbot]

That is what it was. It was Joan representing Cheetos.

[Mark Normand]

That was it.

[Sam Talbot]

When Mark started, he. He would bring a cane. Kind of like Keith Robinson's Marshall cane he got at Marshalls.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. I had a cane first.

[Rachel Feinstein]

All right.

[Seth the Magician]

I want to show you guys one more thing that I'm getting out of here.

[Sam Talbot]

But you still got so much pussy with the cane.

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah, that's true.

[Sam Talbot]

Didn't it match his puss numbers? Not one bit.

[Mark Normand]

My stage name was Cane and anal. Really?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Off camera. Off camera, yeah. I'm not sure if you up. I'm really asking.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Rachel Feinstein]

If I tell you how I think you did that trick and would you tell me if I was correct?

[Seth the Magician]

Absolutely.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay.

[Seth the Magician]

All right.

[Sam Talbot]

Can somebody just can't.

[Mark Normand]

You can't let it go.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I want magic to be real.

[Mark Normand]

Well, it ain't.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh. I mean, it could be. That fucking blew our mind.

[Mark Normand]

So why don't you just enjoy it instead of trying to get the. The truth out of the guy?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Because I want to know what comes after we die.

[Mark Normand]

I see.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. And if magic is real, there's a chance something has happened.

[Joe DeRosa]

Really bad, Joe, huh? For you, some really bad.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Is athlete a great person.

[Sam Talbot]

What happens after you die?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Oh, it's a real.

[Seth the Magician]

Let's do.

[Mark Normand]

You're killing it.

[Seth the Magician]

Thank you.

[Rachel Feinstein]

You're great.

[Mark Normand]

Don't worry. And your wife is wildly turned on.

[Seth the Magician]

Yes.

[Sam Talbot]

You're going to close after this.

[Rachel Feinstein]

She's like, you made those nitwits laugh today. I love it.

[Seth the Magician]

When you were a little kid, did you magician come to your birthday party? Nah, that wouldn't be too much magic. I'd listen to all he disappointed. Magician come to your birthday party?

[Joe DeRosa]

I don't think so.

[Seth the Magician]

No magician come to your birthday party?

[Mark Normand]

I wish my parents didn't work around.

[Sam Talbot]

Sam didn't have birthday parties because his daddy didn't love him.

[Seth the Magician]

That's true. I know. Or he wouldn't have father.

[Mark Normand]

You know that's true.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

Silly Billy, he was a big time. You knew Silly Billy, right?

[Sam Talbot]

And I had birthday parties, but they were all at thrift stores because we were poor. And that's the same place Joe performs in his tour.

[Joe DeRosa]

What the fuck is happening?

[Seth the Magician]

All right, do me a favor. Hold out both your hands face down. Towards me.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Breathalyzer.

[Seth the Magician]

I'm gonna draw a picture. I'm gonna show it to Sam first. It's a person.

[Joe DeRosa]

All right, Let me see.

[Seth the Magician]

Do you know who it is?

[Joe DeRosa]

It's a penis.

[Seth the Magician]

No, it's not a penis.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Joe DeRosa]

What is?

[Rachel Feinstein]

Do I know who it is?

[Seth the Magician]

Yeah, it's Percy.

[Mark Normand]

Rachel's getting her pills.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Jesus Christ.

[Seth the Magician]

No, it's my ex girlfriend.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Okay. Ah, it goes across.

[Seth the Magician]

Here's what I want you to do. Sam, do me a favor. Tap one of Mark's hands. Place your other hand down. Mark, did you feel it happen? They napped down.

[Mark Normand]

Should have faked it.

[Seth the Magician]

Take a look.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. The mark of the beast. How'd you do it there, man? That was great.

[Seth the Magician]

All right, guys.

[Mark Normand]

Well, thank you. That one up for any question.

[Joe DeRosa]

I had a woman do that to me, but with hpv, wasn't it?

[Mark Normand]

This is good. I know that chick.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Yeah. That was great.

[Mark Normand]

Thanks. That was great.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

How do you do that? That's incredible.

[Seth the Magician]

Have a great.

[Sam Talbot]

Thank you so much.

[Joe DeRosa]

Thank you. Very good.

[Mark Normand]

Where are you going to be this weekend? Or what's the.

[Sam Talbot]

It's. I'm going to be in New York. Comedy club. In Stanford.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Sam Talbot]

And a bunch of other places. Just go to Punch Up Live and you can find my dates there. Rachel Feinstein. Just go to Punch Up Live or watch my Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. It's streaming now.

[Mark Normand]

Indianapolis, Nashville, Connecticut. I'm looking at your dates. Oh. Oh. It went away, but yeah.

[Sam Talbot]

Thank you, Mark.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there we go. Eugene, Oregon. She's in Illinois, Maryland and San Diego.

[Sam Talbot]

Also in Austin at the Mothership. This is my. Most of my dates are up at Punch Up. Not here. Oh, let's go to Punch Up Live. Yeah, that's fine.

[Joe DeRosa]

We're all on Punch Up.

[Sam Talbot]

Yeah, we're all on Punch Up. All our dates are on Punch Up.

[Joe DeRosa]

You should get on there.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I will.

[Sam Talbot]

Yeah. Happy Hanukkah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

I will. I'm biding my time.

[Mark Normand]

Happy Hanukkah. Yeah.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Are we plugging? Yeah, plug it up. I'm next year. My new tour, the Joystick Tour, starts in January 2025. First cities are Toronto and San Diego. Come out joedarosa.com for tickets and come to Joey Roses in New York. Joeyroses nyc.com and we have sandwiches bar. It's awesome. Trying to get bodega cat in there. What are we doing, guys?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, the rep is on his way, so we'll yell at him.

[Sam Talbot]

It is a fun bar. Yeah. Everybody go to Joe's bar. It's a fun.

[Rachel Feinstein]

So come through, please. Thank you. And. And yeah, and then my podcast, we'll see you in hell is still out there, baby.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God. Thank you. I'll open it off air.

[Joe DeRosa]

Yeah. Buy bodega cat. Bodegacatwhiskey.com I'll be in San Antonio January 3rd and 4th, and then Liberty Township, Ohio, 10th and 11th, and then Pittsburgh improv the 23rd through the 25th. And then it's all bus shit, just all theaters and stuff. So Charlotte Richmond, Philly, D.C. bethlehem, Tulsa, Aust, Dallas, Houston goes on and on Samuel.com shows or just go to punch up Memphis. Tickets are not moving. So come on, Memphis.

[Sam Talbot]

Come on, Memphis. Also, I, I. So when my husband was at the firehouse, he had like this other farmer come over to, like, help me with stuff around the house, which I know sounds like the beginning of a porn.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Talbot]

But he freaked out when he saw that I had a bodega cat T shirt. He's like, you know the bodega cat guys.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Talbot]

Yeah, Apparently. Apparently they all drink the whiskey. And he was like, obsessed. And I was like, yeah, I'll bring you one. And he couldn't give a about anything else but the fact that he knew that I knew the bodega cat guys. And he was like, it's the best whiskey. And he knows because he's a throbbing alcoholic.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah. That's our market.

[Joe DeRosa]

That's our market, baby.

[Mark Normand]

We gotta send them a case. Old Ladder 48.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Sure.

[Sam Talbot]

Yes. Everybody loves bodega cat, I'm telling you. Making waves.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah. Get on that. Get on the bodega train and get behind the wheel of that big red truck. Drive it right into the schoolhouse.

[Sam Talbot]

Schoolhouse is great without a fire on your job.

[Joe DeRosa]

And bring one back home with you now. Yeah, what do you got, Mark?

[Mark Normand]

I'll be back in the clubs, going to Houston Improv. Then the Stand Up Live in Phoenix where you just did the Celebrity Theater. And I'll be at Addison Improv in Dallas and then the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. Then I got a makeup date with Asheville, not to be confused with Gashville, where Rachel's from, where I haven't. And yeah, that's. That's a makeup date with the hurricane.

[Sam Talbot]

Jesus and Mary gave birth to me.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. What's that old Geraldo joke about the baby Jesus? Oh, that's a woman who really stuck to her story.

[Sam Talbot]

That's great.

[Mark Normand]

He's funny. Funny guy. Whatever happened to him? But yeah, keep a lookout for Geraldo. And Geraldo. And we're here. We're queer. Thanks a lot. We might be drunk. Rachel was on for 11 minutes.

[Sam Talbot]

This Bible study was off the chain.

[Mark Normand]

Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of peck, you know, the beer, juice.

[Rachel Feinstein]

Close.

[Mark Normand]

I've had a little too much burning and Norman's talking about the Pope. And I get down in the same.

[Sam Talbot]

Way up on the roof like the.

[Mark Normand]

Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling.

[Sam Talbot]

Dangerous I'm out to lunch here in.

[Joe DeRosa]

New Orleans this woman doesn't look like.

[Mark Normand]

I remember her and I get down in the same way we might be true.