Ep 242: Jameela Jamil

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Might Be Drunk – Episode 242: Jameela Jamil

Hosts: Sam Morril and Mark Normand
Guest: Jameela Jamil
Produced by: Gotham Production Studios, LLC
Release Date: July 28, 2025

---

Introduction and Guest Promotion (00:00 - 02:00)

The episode kicks off with hosts Mark Normand and Sam Morril welcoming Jameela Jamil to the show. Jameela introduces her new podcast, "Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil," aimed at celebrating embarrassing and mortifying moments shared by listeners.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [00:34]: "It's a celebration of all of our more embarrassing moments."
• Mark Normand [07:44]: "I love why I'm sold."

Embarrassing Stories and Relatability (02:00 - 10:00)

The conversation delves into various humiliating anecdotes, emphasizing the universal nature of embarrassing experiences. Jameela shares a particularly cringe-worthy story about a bride accidentally soiling her wedding dress due to excessive dieting, leading to a disastrous first dance.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [05:08]: "She's like, I'm gonna walk down the aisle."
• Mark Normand [06:38]: "Oh, my God."

Personal Embarrassing Moments (10:00 - 20:00)

Jameela recounts an incident where she publicly soiled herself in Los Angeles, highlighting the vulnerability and isolation that can accompany such moments. The hosts share their own embarrassing childhood experiences, fostering a sense of camaraderie and humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [08:55]: "I basically just ran back to my hotel out... Covering all my stuff."
• Sam Morril [09:17]: "If I saw that, I'd be like, run through some LA."

Addiction and Its Consequences (20:00 - 30:00)

The discussion shifts to serious topics as Jameela opens up about her past addiction to codeine. She describes how the drug affected her behavior, leading to uncontrollable nighttime phone calls and financial repercussions.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [22:25]: "I became addicted. It made me unbelievably chatty."
• Mark Normand [23:03]: "Wow."

Romantic Relationships and Social Pressures (30:00 - 50:00)

The hosts and Jameela explore the dynamics of romantic relationships, societal expectations, and the pressures of maintaining appearances. Jameela shares her unconventional views on marriage, opting for a committed relationship without the formal institution of marriage to avoid unnecessary constraints and public scrutiny.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [63:12]: "I don't believe in marriage."
• Mark Normand [81:15]: "It's the ultimate romance."

Embarrassing Sexual Encounters (50:00 - 70:00)

The trio engages in candid and humorous discussions about embarrassing sexual experiences, including premature ejaculations, awkward moments, and the impact of societal norms on intimate relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Sam Morril [32:49]: "I told them, don't worry, I won't tell anyone."
• Jameela Jamil [54:40]: "They’re rabid fans."

Modern Relationships and Social Media (70:00 - 80:00)

The conversation transitions to the influence of social media on relationships, highlighting how constant connectivity and the pressure to portray perfect relationships can undermine genuine connections. Jameela criticizes the superficiality of online interactions and advocates for authentic, low-profile relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [73:09]: "We keep it separate."
• Mark Normand [81:06]: "That's the ultimate romance."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts (80:00 - End)

In the closing segments, the hosts and Jameela reflect on the chaotic and humorous nature of their conversations. They promote Jameela's podcast, emphasizing the value of sharing and laughing about embarrassing moments as a way to bond and find relatability.

Notable Quotes:

• Jameela Jamil [83:37]: "What a great trailer."
• Mark Normand [86:07]: "We might be drunk."

---

Key Takeaways

• Authenticity Over Perfection: Emphasizing the importance of embracing embarrassing moments to foster genuine connections.
• Challenging Social Norms: Questioning societal expectations around marriage and romantic relationships.
• Relatability Through Humor: Using humor to navigate and share personal vulnerabilities, creating a sense of community among listeners.

Recommendations

Listeners who appreciate candid conversations filled with humor and personal anecdotes will find this episode particularly engaging. Jameela Jamil's stories add a fresh perspective, making complex topics like addiction and relationship dynamics accessible and relatable.

Conclusion

Episode 242 of "We Might Be Drunk" offers a blend of humor, vulnerability, and insightful discussions. Through shared embarrassing stories and candid dialogue, Sam Morril, Mark Normand, and Jameela Jamil create an engaging and relatable narrative that resonates with a broad audience.

Transcript

[Mark Normand]

Hey, everybody. Here we are. We might be drunk. We're doing it. We're back. I wish. I'm glad I wore a collar. You look nice.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thanks. Hi, how are you?

[Sam Morril]

I should have worn a collar.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Come on up.

[Jameela Jamil]

Go home and change. I think.

[Sam Morril]

I know. I got nothing. What we have. What can I change into? What do we have?

[Mark Normand]

We got a clan hood back there.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe Clan hood is not. It doesn't look good on me.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. Jewish.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it might come out after Labor Day too. You don't want to.

[Mark Normand]

Good point. The white.

[Sam Morril]

The white.

[Mark Normand]

What are you doing in town?

[Jameela Jamil]

I am here promoting my new podcast. I've got a filthy and inappropriate new podcast out. So I thought. It's filthy right place to come and promote it.

[Mark Normand]

You got that right, sister.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, I did. Your old one?

[Jameela Jamil]

My old one, my other. Really filthy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jizz filled.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

I told a jizz filled story.

[Jameela Jamil]

You did?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

You were fantastic. You were both great.

[Sam Morril]

I was. You talk about being grumpy in New York. I remember doing yours because I had to do it in my building's conference room because it was drilling on my fucking apartment.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's right.

[Sam Morril]

For like two years. So I came on, like, cranky, but you, you had a nice energy.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, where's the jizz?

[Sam Morril]

Well, I told a story.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, oh, I see.

[Sam Morril]

I told a story about a woman.

[Mark Normand]

For a jizz blowing. Me. That's what you meant.

[Sam Morril]

I just had sex with her. I jerked off on the zoom, didn't release it.

[Mark Normand]

It was.

[Sam Morril]

It was a mess.

[Mark Normand]

Jizz filled is a great pod name.

[Sam Morril]

Jizz filled.

[Mark Normand]

Jizz filled.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you were angry that day?

[Mark Normand]

Worst donut.

[Sam Morril]

I was grumpy. But I'm. You've said that New Yorkers are angry. Angry. I don't. More grumpy than angry. Angry sounds worse.

[Jameela Jamil]

Hated me.

[Sam Morril]

Did you really think of it?

[Jameela Jamil]

That's why I didn't even for a while even try and come onto this podcast. You kind of hated you hates me. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

No, you didn't.

[Jameela Jamil]

I did.

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

But now I know. It's just. You were just an angry New Yorker in New York.

[Sam Morril]

I've never.

[Mark Normand]

This is persnickety, but he's. He's a sweet guy once you get to know him.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's a sweet, lovely man. I liked you.

[Mark Normand]

I just thought, damn, well, you're the one.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have I made it weird?

[Mark Normand]

No, no. That's what we do here. I like how jizz filled was fine, but this is getting strange. Well, what's the New part about the new podcast.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's called Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil. And it's a celebration of all of our more embarrassing moments. Like, I think I've just hit a plateau of how much, maybe a limit even of how much I thought it.

[Sam Morril]

Was about women drivers.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a nightmare. I'm sick of how positive everyone is on social media. I can't take it anymore.

[Mark Normand]

What Twitter feed are you on?

[Jameela Jamil]

Not yours. I think we're on very different algorithms. But I can't stand this obsession with turning everything negative into a positive silver lining. And everything that, you know, everything mortifying that happens to you is supposed to lead to you becoming some sort of fucking billionaire in an ice bath. I was like, we need somewhere. I think shame shared is shame halved. And I think we need to. To just be toxic. No more toxic positivity. Just a space just to be toxic.

[Mark Normand]

Regular toxic.

[Jameela Jamil]

Tell our most embarrassing stories.

[Sam Morril]

I love toxic people.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know you do.

[Sam Morril]

How did you know that?

[Jameela Jamil]

I got that sense on our zoom. So it's just lots of the funniest people about. Would love for both of you to come on, especially now that I know you don't hate me.

[Sam Morril]

Where does this come from?

[Jameela Jamil]

And I would. And I would love for you to tell your stories, but the stories are unbelievable.

[Mark Normand]

You can't.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, you just. You feel so much less alone after you've listened to it. And the public send in their embarrassing stories, and they're worse than anything any celebrity or comedian would ever admit to. So it's a real riot.

[Mark Normand]

We could scare you. We got some history.

[Sam Morril]

I like bonding through some sadness too.

[Jameela Jamil]

So do I. I think it's. I think shitting your pants, etc.

[Sam Morril]

I once shit my pants on my school bus to.

[Mark Normand]

In New York City last year.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I was on the short bus. I was going to a gig. No, I. No, I was in, I think second grade, and we were stuck in midtown traffic, and I couldn't hold it, and I just shit my pants and.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you shot?

[Sam Morril]

I'm not just saying this to impress you. And no, I didn't chart. I just. I was like. I knew it was coming. I was like. I was like, I can't. I was a child. I can't hold it anymore. And. And a kid. And I just went. And a kid. And some guy goes, you're bluffing. And I was like, no, I'm not bluffing. And then he. He felt the pants. He goes, nah, he's not bluffing. I shit my pants.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you Ever done it as an adult?

[Sam Morril]

I have. Not as an adult. Thank God.

[Mark Normand]

I've jizzed my pants as an adult.

[Sam Morril]

Same anytime.

[Jameela Jamil]

When?

[Sam Morril]

Strip club, two minutes ago, when you walk in.

[Mark Normand]

That's right. That was not sweat. But, you know, your strip club was young there thing. I'm from New Orleans. And if you're 18 on your 18th birthday, you go to a strip club and you get a lap dance, and it's like 100 bucks for a lap dance on the stage. And if you get a boner, you have to pay the money, but if you don't, you don't have to pay the hundo.

[Sam Morril]

So if you don't get a boner, you go to hell. So.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I was just, like, fighting that boner the whole time. You're 18, there's a hot naked lady grinding on you. So not only did I get a boner, but I blew a load. So I got my money's worth.

[Jameela Jamil]

An extra penalty.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Love. Love that. There was a woman who wrote in. She was a wedding planner and she. You're all right with more shit stories, aren't you?

[Mark Normand]

Please, very briefly.

[Jameela Jamil]

So she had this bride who shit herself just as she was about to walk down the aisle because she was taking all those diet products, you know, those sort of influencer diet tea to try and shed as much weight as possible. So she fully shit fully into the dress, but she's wearing a white dress. Yes, but she's wearing all of this, like, construction GE underneath to make her look even thinner. So it's locked into all the construction.

[Mark Normand]

Gear the Spanx are holding.

[Jameela Jamil]

It hasn't gone out through to the white dress yet. And so they're in a field. There's nowhere for them to go and wash. So she's like, what do you want to do? Do you want to call off the wedding? She's like, no, I'm not gonna call off the wedding. I'm gonna walk down the aisle. So this woman walks, like, packed into her own shit down the aisle, gets married, and then afterwards, it's now time for the reception immediately. And so she's like, there's nothing we could do. We can't change you because there's too much risk of the brown. Right, you know, finding its way through.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

So she's like, all right, I'm gonna stay in.

[Sam Morril]

The smell's got an issue.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, because it's locked in. Women are wearing all kinds of devices inside. It's like bulletproof everything that's going on down there. So it's all locked in. No one's really smelling anything. She's wearing a lot of perfume, as is everyone else. Then she. Yeah, that's why they call it that. Yeah. And so. So she's. So she decides she wants to carry on and do her first dance. So she does her first dance with her husband. He at one point has to dip her, and his hands are down the small of her back.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Jameela Jamil]

So he accidentally pushes all the shit up her bodycon wear up the dress up her back, and then it goes out the back of the dress like a ketchup pack. And now there's suddenly poo pouring out the back of the woman's dress.

[Sam Morril]

And you're gonna think of that every time you're, like, trying to get the last part out of a toothpaste tub.

[Mark Normand]

Disgusting.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. You're traumatized for life. But this happened in front of all the guests. And now everyone is just wondering what the fuck is going on. Like, how is she shitting out of her back?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Which is actually quite a sleigh, really.

[Mark Normand]

Sure. Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then the husband was, you know, good natured about it and obviously horrified, Washed his hands many, many times, and then just said, listen, I'm fine with everything. I just. I'd rather not do the bit where I have to take her garter off.

[Mark Normand]

With my teeth, of course.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

You want to go down there now? Do you give the daughter the wedding dress? Does that tradition still car on?

[Jameela Jamil]

100%.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, that's a little story.

[Jameela Jamil]

More now.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

That is brutal.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's pretty disgusting.

[Mark Normand]

Boy. Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

So if you. Yeah, if you. If you want to ruin your lunch, but make your day better, listen to my new podcast, Wrong turns.

[Mark Normand]

I love why I'm sold.

[Sam Morril]

I'm sold.

[Mark Normand]

What a story.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not just poo stories, it's also humiliating sex stories and stalker stories.

[Sam Morril]

We've got so many of those.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, same I myself as a kid at a. On a field trip, and then we had to take a bus back, and everyone knew I did it. It was like it was out there. So we had to take the bus back after the field trip. I'm covered in shit, big pants, big bulge in the back, and I'm. All the kids walk on the bus. They saved the front seat for me. Like Rosa Parks. And the teacher I'm walking on, he goes, wait, wait, wait. Pulls out the New York Times, puts it on the seat. He goes, now you can sit down. And the whole fucking bus died laughing.

[Sam Morril]

Ironically, before the New York Times went To shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. So that was. That was brutal.

[Jameela Jamil]

Damn brutal. But I'm very proud of you both for not shitting yourself as adults. That's very tight assholes you both have.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well done.

[Sam Morril]

Also, you can get to a toilet.

[Jameela Jamil]

You get to give very often.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, Felt really nice.

[Sam Morril]

I think you can get to a toilet in this city. If there's an emergency, they'll let you in there. So there have been situations where I'm like, shit, I gotta get to a bathroom.

[Jameela Jamil]

But, yeah, well, you always can.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's. It's New York City. You could ship between cars and no one would blink.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've done that.

[Mark Normand]

No way.

[Jameela Jamil]

I did it. I was 26. It was on Santa Monica Boulevard, right by 3rd Street Promenade. It was on 5th Street. And I just. I got hit with something unpredictable in my stomach. And I shit all over the road. And then I had to hide between two cars. And I continued to sit there and shit and then cry and then laugh and then piss, because you may as well.

[Mark Normand]

Sure. There was a rogue.

[Sam Morril]

Were you solo?

[Jameela Jamil]

I was alone, yes. And no one would help me because I think they thought I was unhoused.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

And so they were just running away from me with their children, broad daylight. It was a November afternoon. And then I found, like, a lettuce, just a rogue lettuce in the street. And I was like, maybe I could use that to clean myself. But obviously it's not one of the more porous vegetables, so it just sort of smeared it around, made it significantly worse. So then I had to take all my clothes off and I ran back to my hotel out.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Covered in my stuff. Covered in my lunch from yesterday.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus. If I saw that, I'd be like, run through some LA organic hobo has to use lettuce to wipe their ass. Yeah, here we go.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's unbelievable. So that was humbling. And I think since then, I've been really obsessed with disaster because I think it's character building. It's much more relatable. I fucking hate perfect people.

[Mark Normand]

Agreed.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I'm championing the disgusting.

[Mark Normand]

That feels like a joker's prank. Like, all right, you gotta ship between cars, use the lettuce, and then run home with your vag out into the wind.

[Jameela Jamil]

There was one comedian who came on and talked about the fact that he started having sex with this woman, and then the house starts being broken into and he just keeps fucking her. He keeps having sex with her to completion during a break in.

[Mark Normand]

Breaking into.

[Sam Morril]

I would never have that problem. I'm a premature ejaculator, so. Lucky me. No, that's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Well, what happened? Did they get killed or.

[Jameela Jamil]

They didn't get killed. They survived to tell the story, but they almost got killed. He managed to make his way out.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, you make the burglars kind of uncomfortable, right? They're like, why do they.

[Jameela Jamil]

The woman bolted out the house, and he locked himself in the bathroom and then was eventually rescued by the police. It wasn't someone who was just trying to burgle. It was someone who's trying to break in.

[Sam Morril]

Do we know the comment?

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

Do we know this comedian?

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm gonna save it.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, okay. You gotta watch the podcast. All right.

[Jameela Jamil]

You definitely know the comedian.

[Sam Morril]

Was it Jim Jeffries?

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm not telling you. I'm not telling you.

[Sam Morril]

I think it was because I know this happened. I know Jim got burgled once.

[Mark Normand]

I'm just praying it wasn't Russell Brand. Okay. But geez. Boy, these are. You got a quite a collection. I gotta come in swinging with. With my stories.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. You have time.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

There we go.

[Mark Normand]

Do you do zoom or you do it here? Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

Do you eat chicken?

[Mark Normand]

I did.

[Sam Morril]

Did you really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Anyone else hard?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's lovely.

[Mark Normand]

All right. That's quite a talent.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wait till I fart.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Is it usually more jizz related? Poop related? Like what. What's. What's the breakdown?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's everything related. You know, it's how you got fired from jobs. You know, there was that poor guy that found out he won the lottery and then went and shat on his boss's desk. No, I think he pissed all over his boss's desk and then realized he'd read the numbers wrong.

[Mark Normand]

Ah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then was extremely fired.

[Mark Normand]

That's hilarious.

[Jameela Jamil]

Times I've gotten fired. It's times the audience have. It's just all the humiliating, terrible decisions that you make.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Have you been fired?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's the best way you've ever been fired?

[Mark Normand]

Well, I don't know. What ethnicity are you? Because I don't want to offend you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Pakistani and Indian. I'm incapable of being offended.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, great. It's a different group. Wait, you're Paki and Indy, huh? Damn. That's a conflict inside, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Make sure you don't say that word in England ever, though.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, sorry.

[Mark Normand]

It was a shortening. What do you call it? Termin. Deerman. Yeah. Like Sammy or Marky.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. No, no.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. I didn't mean it that way.

[Jameela Jamil]

Try that one on stage in England.

[Mark Normand]

All right, well, either way, I was on a shoot for a Halloween show for America. What was that? Aol?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And they said, I did. I hosted a Halloween contest. I was the host. We'll come up with different costumes, and I got to judge them and zing them, you know? So one Catwoman walks on. She looked amazing. Hot lady, tight leather, whatever. She's got the big whip, the ears, the whiskers. She walks off. And an African queen comes in like a Zulu queen. And I go, watch that whip around the African. And the fucking cat cameras wilted, the plants died, the lights turned off, and I got fired.

[Jameela Jamil]

You go, yeah, that's.

[Mark Normand]

I thought it was clever. Slavery. We got it. Okay. Well, that's the other thing. Before I got the job, they're like, be edgy. We like edgy.

[Sam Morril]

They always say that. I remember I booked a benefit once, and I was excited. Free benefit. You know, I'm not getting paid. But it was Joe Tory from the New York Yankees. I grew up a huge Joe Tory fan, so I was like. And my agent's a huge Yankees fan, so he's like, they want you. Like, this is, like, really cool. You get to hang out with Joe Torrey. There's gonna be Yankees legends there. It's a great cause. It's like domestic abuse. And I was like, okay. You know, he was beaten as a kid.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, gosh.

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, oh, I'm so excited. And then I just never heard. And I was like, what happened to, like, his wife saw your act.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, his wife hates me. I'm like, what joke? And I was like, I don't know. But I just lost it.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's fucking true.

[Mark Normand]

I had a wife fire me as well. From a gig. Yeah. I did a gig for a pharmaceutical company, and I did a whole bunch of drug dealer jokes. And she was like, that's inappropriate. That's over the line. I'm like, you guys sell drugs. That's funny. Drug dealer.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think that is funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

When they say they want edgy, they just mean they want you to say.

[Mark Normand]

Fuck, I guess so.

[Jameela Jamil]

They don't want you to add fuck into a very safe joke. And then people feel like they saw something really raw and that they're not at work right now.

[Mark Normand]

They don't want the jizz filled.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what they mean. No.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

I got fired for stealing.

[Mark Normand]

Stealing?

[Jameela Jamil]

Stealing.

[Mark Normand]

Shoplift.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no. I was working there. I stole from my own store, which is pathetic. Inception. I was working at a Video store. It's my favorite job I ever had. I worked there for years and years and years. And towards the end of my time working there, we had suddenly got Haagen Dazs, the ice cream. You know, if you're a broke teenager and you'd never tried Haagen Dazs before, it was. It rocked my world.

[Mark Normand]

It's amazing.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was allowed to try one because one of the. It was Pralines and cream. It started a huge issue.

[Mark Normand]

Right to the hard stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. So I. I tried some Pralines and cream, and it, like, evoked a maniac inside of me.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I suddenly became addicted. And I'd been left in charge of the store for the first time ever. I'd. All my dreams had always just been to be the manager of the video store. And I had my shot to be able to impress all the people, you know, in the company. I think it was either Vidbiz or Apollo or Blockbuster at this time. I worked at all three. And so I'm. It was Apollo. So I. So they leave me in charge for two weeks, and I just start going, I'm just gonna have one. Yeah, I'm just gonna get one more. I'm just gonna get one more. Just one more. And I'll say that, you know, people gave them to me of a deal. I'll just not tell people about the deal where you get two DVDs and one Haagen Dazs. I'll just give them the two DVDs. I'll just keep skimming off the top. Skim off. I'm gonna be the President of the United States one day. And so I. So I keep going, keep going, keep going. And now I've gone past halfway, and this is like, we're talking almost a hundred tubs of ice cream.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was insane. It was something like 50 or 100 tubs. It was dozens and dozens. And so I.

[Mark Normand]

These are the pints. Pints. Yeah. Gotcha.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. So I'm like, fuck, I've now eaten too many to cover for myself. I'm gonna have to finish them all and tell them that the freezer broke. So that's what I do. I eat all the entire fridge of Haagen Dazs.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my. You got a problem.

[Jameela Jamil]

Under two weeks. I almost went blind with blood sugar.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Diabetes.

[Jameela Jamil]

I save all the packets and I put them in a bin liner, and I tell. And I unplug the fridge, and I'm like, the fucking fridge broke. I'm so sorry. While you were Away. And so all the ice cream went away. And look, here's the evidence.

[Mark Normand]

Jeez. Diabolical.

[Jameela Jamil]

And what I didn't know is that the camera.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

Behind the cashier desk that they told us didn't work very much. So did work. I'd say better than any other camera in the store. And I was forced to sit.

[Sam Morril]

Not only you fired, we're disgusted by you.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know, I know, I know, I know. So I was forced to watch in fast forward. Me going back and forth and taking every single pint of ice cream.

[Sam Morril]

Were you always this thin?

[Jameela Jamil]

Huh? I was not.

[Mark Normand]

I was not. That's why you're cool. What do you mean? You were fed fat lady.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was, yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You were hefty young.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was every. I was every size as a kid. I was super, super skinny and anorexic. And then I got bigger. And then I was. I was all the things, all the people, all the vibes.

[Sam Morril]

Because if you were bigger, they probably already suspected you.

[Mark Normand]

Good point. You know?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I don't. I think I. Maybe I got bigger because of that. I don't know. I can't remember where I was in my. In my cycle of body. Body fat.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy. Even Winona Ryder would be disgusted by this story.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know, but imagine if I was sponsored by Haagen Dazs trial. It's so fucking iconic that she got a Marc Jacobs campaign out of that.

[Mark Normand]

No way.

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you really know that he dressed her for the. So she stole from Marc Jacobs. For anyone who doesn't know. And then he dressed her for her entire trial, which was the most genius PR move that any designer has ever made ever. Because. How chic. Yeah, how chic of you to do that.

[Mark Normand]

Brilliant.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then she became, I believe, the face of Marc Jacobs.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. I should be sponsored by a towel company in the hotels because I really yank the hell out of those.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, God, I fucking hope I get a Haagen Darth.

[Sam Morril]

Did you get built for the town? I think you get built.

[Mark Normand]

I never checked.

[Sam Morril]

You're getting. I remember I got checked once. They charged me for like stealing a. Like a sheet or something. I was like, why would I steal a sheet?

[Jameela Jamil]

Why did you?

[Sam Morril]

I didn't. It was a mistake.

[Mark Normand]

Don't you guys fuck through a sheet now.

[Sam Morril]

I was using as a clan outfit. No, I didn't take it. They just charged. It was like a mistake.

[Mark Normand]

Ah.

[Sam Morril]

And like, we made a mistake.

[Mark Normand]

And I'm sure it wasn't a cheap charge.

[Sam Morril]

No, it was. It was. It Was like a few hundred dollars.

[Jameela Jamil]

Jesus Christ.

[Mark Normand]

I gotta look in this.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's bullshit as well. Because there's nothing worse than the bed sheets of a hotel.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Can we get a good pillow in hotel?

[Mark Normand]

I know that's a peeve.

[Sam Morril]

That's a peeve.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Every hotel pillow is.

[Mark Normand]

They. They're too flimsy. I gotta like, pack that thing in like a. Like a jizz filled, like my dick.

[Sam Morril]

Into a Magnum condom.

[Mark Normand]

What?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't know how we get through the day. Life is so hard for us.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Free H star hotels.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. It's not easy. So what happened? You got fat and you got fired?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Did you kick the addiction because we brought you a bunch of chocolate? Because we heard your chocolate for me.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love chocolate.

[Sam Morril]

I heard you like dark chocolate.

[Jameela Jamil]

I do. I like dark chocolate. Yeah. I love that. Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

All right. You don't have to steal it. We'll give it right to you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You don't.

[Jameela Jamil]

You don't have my eyes on it already. You've taken a lot of the thrill out.

[Sam Morril]

You don't drink alcohol.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't drink alcohol. It's quite humiliating because actually it's a really good excuse for all the stupid shit I've done.

[Sam Morril]

That's true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Been done sober.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, interesting. Good point.

[Sam Morril]

It doesn't work, though. You do something bad, drunk people are still mad.

[Jameela Jamil]

Not as mad.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know.

[Sam Morril]

You say the N word loud in the bar, people get pissed. I'm not saying I've done them. If you do it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, I. I was a pill addict for a while.

[Mark Normand]

Am I cool again? Yes, we might be. Drunk is brought to you by Shopify. Ready for a silent business partner that stays silent? Well, get the best partner for opening up an online store. Store. With Shopify hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build an online store to match your brand style. Not so good at writing. Well, get the word out. Like you have a marketing team behind you. Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling. Shopify is your commerce expert with expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping to processing returns and beyond. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into Cha Ching Shopify. With Shopify on your side, sign up for $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com drunk. Go to shopify.com drunk. That's shopify.com drunk. What if you could delay your next two mortgage payments? Well, imagine putting those two payments in your pocket and finally getting a little breathing room. It's possible. Just pick up the phone and call American Financing. If you're feeling stretched by everyday expenses, you're not alone. Most Americans are putting these expenses on credit cards and there doesn't seem to be a way out. American Financing can show you how to use your home's equity to pay off that debt. Call American Financing today before you get to a point where you can't make those payments. Their salary based mortgage consultants are helping homeowners just like you restructure their loans and consolidate debt, all without upfront fees. With customers saving an average of $800 a month, it's like a ten thousand dollar raise in your pocket. Tell them how it's fast and simple.

[Sam Morril]

And it could save your budget this summer. Call now before it's too late. Call 855-581-5828. That's 855-581-5828 or visit american financing.net drunk.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank you. What kind of pill it was? It was just codeine which they were giving out willy nilly, you know. And so I was, I was taking that at the time and then I became addicted to it. And most people get sleepy on codeine, but I for some reason have some sort of upside down land in my brain where I always have the reverse effect of any drug.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And so it made me unbelievably chatty. And I would take it late at night thinking I was going to go to sleep and it would make me unbelievably chatty. But I would have no recollection of any of this because I was out of my mind.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I was taking a lot of it at the time. And I had, at the end of this year I received a phone bill for £17,000. Right. Which is like 20 grand.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I was like, what the fuck is going on? So I call up the phone company, I'm like, you've got overcharged me by about 17 times. And they go through my bill and they're like, no, you've been calling all these X directory phone numbers. And I was like, no, I haven't.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. You blacked out.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I'm in my 20s, you know, I'm a DJ at the time. I would never be calling all of these X directory sex numbers.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like you've been calling sex workers in the middle of. I was like, I haven't been doing that. And I then talked to my roommate and he's like, I do hear you talking and in the middle of the night. And I was like, what do you.

[Sam Morril]

Mean you're sleepwalk calling people?

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm sleepwalk kind of. Or maybe awake and high. But either way, I'm phoning basically anyone who will talk to me. So obviously people who are paying you by the pound. And it was psychics, it was sex workers. It was some sort of online therapy or whatever, phone therapy.

[Sam Morril]

And you're probably boring the shit of these sex workers.

[Jameela Jamil]

These are recorded, like someone's gotta get thousands of hours.

[Sam Morril]

You have no idea what you were saying.

[Jameela Jamil]

Me saying God knows what. God knows whose secrets. Just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So I haven't taken any. Any substances.

[Sam Morril]

So codeine causes blackouts?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

I guess so.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't. It just in me, you know me. Melatonin makes me wide awake. Like I've had coke. Like I have. I live melatonin. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm up for three days if I have one. Melatonin gummy.

[Sam Morril]

I don't sleep well. I feel like I'm in and out on melatonin.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, same. But if you have the reverse effect. What if you take a plan B?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You get pregnant.

[Jameela Jamil]

That actually happened to me.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

I took a plan B and I got pregnant.

[Sam Morril]

Where's the body?

[Mark Normand]

I know what I am. Abortion.

[Jameela Jamil]

Imagine if I was just like when you said that. Cheeky little abortion.

[Mark Normand]

I see a finger coming out of the. Wow, that's crazy. So wait, see?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I got into a lot of trouble for talking about that publicly because I said that it was the best decision of my life. And then people got mad, so then I. You told. Took it back and I said, I'm sorry it wasn't the best decision of my life. Cutting bangs was actually the best decision of my life. And then my abortion, and then I got into way more trouble.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, well, keep going, sister.

[Jameela Jamil]

Publicist dream.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Like an onion, though.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, she's new.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. You got a real live one here.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

This is crazy. Boy, I want to keep unraveling like.

[Sam Morril]

An onion with the abortion in America or.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no, it's in England.

[Sam Morril]

In England?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

They're legal there.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. We're in and out. Our abortions are like weed. Here, it's okay. Not here. You can't just try to have a good time.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know, but.

[Sam Morril]

And did you start this too? Personal question, but did you know who the father was?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes. Yes, I did. Yeah. Yeah. We were both pro not having a baby together. We didn't know each other, and we took every precaution not to used a condom.

[Sam Morril]

Did he pay for it?

[Jameela Jamil]

We went halves.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Oh, good for you, modern woman.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sure, sure. Yeah, we went halves. I was like, we were both responsible for this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

The condom broke. The. Then the plan B had the reverse effect because of upside down land and also because I weighed over 175 pounds, and it doesn't work as well on you if you weigh over 175 pounds. And they don't tell you that in the pharmacy. So I had no idea.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

How'd you like to take that back? I want a refund.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's crazy.

[Jameela Jamil]

They should have paid for the abortion. He should have paid, huh?

[Sam Morril]

He should have paid.

[Jameela Jamil]

He offered, but I felt like we were both there.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's very.

[Mark Normand]

I like that.

[Sam Morril]

That's true. But you got to go through the abortion.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's true.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good point.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's a good point.

[Mark Normand]

Good point. He got the jizz.

[Jameela Jamil]

He bought lots of takeout afterwards.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

He got the big takeout period.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, man.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, abortion humor.

[Mark Normand]

Good times. Damn, man, what a run.

[Jameela Jamil]

God, we went from shit to abortions real fast.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, this is. This is a pretty crass episode, even for us. I like it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I'm having a blast.

[Sam Morril]

Jizz, poop, abortion.

[Mark Normand]

I feel like you should do the episodes, not. Not guess because you got a million of these stories.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a. It's a mixed bag. But I become amazed by how many stories I have because I never plan to say anything when I'm on the show, but some. Something about it unearths, unlocks memories. I watched it happen to both of you during this chat. You've just been like, oh, yeah, I shit my pants one time. I got a boner one time. We all.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I have more flash in my face.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

My friend does. I was having a playdate with a friend in both, so we had, like, a nanny taking care of him, and she had to shower the poop off me. And I remember her just calling me a dirty, dirty boy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it made a dent.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And that's the only way it can come now.

[Mark Normand]

It's terrible. Sure.

[Sam Morril]

Of course it made a dent.

[Mark Normand]

Dirty, dirty boy. That's exciting.

[Sam Morril]

It was pretty hot.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I was in second grade, but I was like, something's happening. Yeah, something's happening to me right now.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's how kinks are, isn't it? It's like a.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like an embarrassing moment at a time of sexual arousal, which is why some men like to masturbate at sort of women who. That didn't want that because part is that likely that they were like caught masturbating by like their mom or someone. And that's disgusting. At a moment of arousal. And now they're chasing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we're all thinking of the same.

[Jameela Jamil]

Guy, but I have no idea who you mean.

[Mark Normand]

I. I've been caught jerking it. And I definitely. That is not a kink. I do not want to be caught. I just want to be left alone on the bus. Don't. Don't come near me. But yeah, I've definitely. I've been caught with my dad once, which was a better guy to get caught by than your mom because at least he gets it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What do you say?

[Mark Normand]

I was in a chair. I was in a chair and I was going at it to a tv. And he walked and he went, oh, he did one of those. And I was like, oh, God. And he looked at the porn. It was a MILF porn. And I think we kind of bonded on that because he's like, he's banging.

[Jameela Jamil]

On the same age range.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. So he's like, we have a similar taste.

[Sam Morril]

Like it's a wine. He's like, nice choice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. He's like, I get it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Were you masturbating at the family television in the living room?

[Mark Normand]

No, I had a little shit box in my room and it was a.

[Jameela Jamil]

Blurry scrambling really on him then, isn't it? How old were you?

[Mark Normand]

I was probably 15.

[Sam Morril]

Did you have a lock on the door?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, the.

[Sam Morril]

No lock. I mean, if I should. If I ever have a kid, he's having a lock on that door. I do not want to walk in on jacking off.

[Mark Normand]

It was rough, but in dude fashion. I pulled up the pants and had dinner and no one brought it up. Yeah, he just kind of go with it. He didn't tell anybody. I didn't tell anybody.

[Sam Morril]

I did MILF point of mine once and it was like, I think it was too old. And he was like, what the fuck is this shit? And I was like, was it more guilt? It might have been more guilt.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I was just, you know, I was curious. I was a kid. This was before you could just find all that shit on the Internet. So you just. You have a DVD and we pass them around. We'd share them in school.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Very bonding. Community.

[Sam Morril]

It was bonding. Yeah. You shared it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, there was fat porn. We had everything. I mean, we literally everything.

[Mark Normand]

Diversify, diversify.

[Jameela Jamil]

We had a Lot of porn in our video store. Like, very diverse.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So we put it at the front, right by the till to humiliate people because we were assholes. And also I would booby trap it so that if anyone so much as breathed too hard near it, everything would come toppling down. And then everyone would turn around and look.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then I, I. Yeah. I once got a very famous elderly actress.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really? Judi Dench.

[Jameela Jamil]

It is actually Judi Dench.

[Mark Normand]

Is it really? Wait, wait, I was thinking of the McQueen.

[Sam Morril]

Is it really Judi Dench? What was she looking at?

[Jameela Jamil]

Fucking weird.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, come on.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, British older actress. It was. It was her. Helen Mirror.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't think she even clocked shocked what it was, but she just saw all the videos fall down on her. And I knew, and everyone else in.

[Mark Normand]

The store knew that she.

[Sam Morril]

Damn good.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was like in Diana Jones Temple of Coon. And I was watching it in slow motion, like, fall onto Dame Judi Dench. And I was like, the last time I ever do that. That was a psychic.

[Mark Normand]

Weird. That was impressive.

[Sam Morril]

But that's a peeve when they go too kind of like satirical with the porno. Like, stop trying to be funny in your porno. I don't love it.

[Mark Normand]

I don't love it. I like Saving Ryan's Privates.

[Jameela Jamil]

Shaving, shaving, shaving.

[Sam Morril]

Sorry, I don't need a Scott.

[Jameela Jamil]

What an amateur.

[Sam Morril]

You want to jerk off to a war porno?

[Mark Normand]

The theme is it's a dark.

[Sam Morril]

It's a dark movie.

[Jameela Jamil]

All right, dirty boy. I think you can come right down.

[Sam Morril]

I don't want to come to, like, the porn version of Life is Beautiful.

[Mark Normand]

You know, I don't care. I'll do it. Regarding Henry. Whatever. You got my left foot. Yeah. Give me Schindler's List.

[Sam Morril]

The only way out of this. The only way out of this concentration camp is if you eat this pussy.

[Mark Normand]

No, I don't want to watch this. You're gonna run a trade.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think you do. Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, look at that. Fap to the future. I'm sold. You don't like the theme?

[Sam Morril]

No, I like just simple. Keep it simple.

[Jameela Jamil]

Fuck itmon is great.

[Mark Normand]

This is killer. Wizard of Oz. That doesn't make sense.

[Jameela Jamil]

Edward. What? Hands.

[Mark Normand]

Wait a minute. Penis hand.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, that one is creative.

[Mark Normand]

There we go.

[Jameela Jamil]

And he looks exactly like Johnny Depp.

[Mark Normand]

Womb Raider. Now we're talking.

[Jameela Jamil]

Womb Raider was great.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, see, it's clever, but I don't.

[Sam Morril]

Actually want to watch it.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Pulp Friction.

[Jameela Jamil]

You don't like Puns and humor in. Are you ever funny during sex?

[Sam Morril]

Just when I whip it out in.

[Jameela Jamil]

A sort of sad way or in a.

[Sam Morril]

Well, I had a one night stand recently and I came very quickly. And she was like. It was a lot of foreplay, but I would say like 30 seconds in pretty quick. And she said. And she just, don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I was like, I'm a comedian. I don't give a shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I think it's funny.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm gonna tell people I think it's.

[Sam Morril]

Funny, you know, So I didn't care.

[Jameela Jamil]

Don't worry, I'm not gonna tell anyone. Makes it so much worse.

[Sam Morril]

I know. I thought I started cracking up. I was like, I don't give a shit.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I had a boyfriend who used to come very quickly. And then I didn't realize that the reason he wanted to start having sex to the radio was because every song he knows is about three minutes.

[Sam Morril]

So he was a Ramones fucker.

[Jameela Jamil]

He was using it to see how, like, how long he could last. And then as when he would come, he'd be like, two songs. It took me a while to work that out, what that meant.

[Mark Normand]

You should have put on Stairway to Heaven. Come on. November Rain. Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Pyramids by Frank Ocean.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

That's interesting.

[Mark Normand]

Smart guy.

[Sam Morril]

Was there a lot of foreplay before? Was it just. He'd go right into it.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's just very excited to be there.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, who could blame him? It is a compliment.

[Jameela Jamil]

I take it only as a compliment.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, when a lady finishes quick, it's very nice. Because women can keep going.

[Jameela Jamil]

Praise ever.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And you can, you can still finish. Everybody wins.

[Sam Morril]

But there's two types. There's like, the women who are like. You're like, just making out and they're like, oh, my God, I'm gonna come. And you're like, what? That doesn't. I've never heard of that. And then there's the type of women who are like, oh, I don't come.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, wait, who's coming? When you make out?

[Sam Morril]

No, like, you have those like. Like, oh, my God. I remember I was just like looking a woman's breast and she's like, easy, easy. I. I could come from that. I was like, what? I know. Flattering you probably, but I was like, she. But then why tell her?

[Jameela Jamil]

Unless you're like, sucking on her tits while she's sitting on a. Like a washer dryer.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, there was another guy there, but.

[Mark Normand]

Interesting.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, It's a blessing. Curse the orgasm one. I have one other story, but it's about orgasming.

[Mark Normand]

Bring it on. I think it's finished.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've already made this so crass.

[Sam Morril]

This is a good crass episode.

[Jameela Jamil]

Okay, sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Put it in my cracks.

[Jameela Jamil]

I talk about this on my podcast.

[Sam Morril]

And I'm sorry to the woman whose breasts I sucked that I believed you.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Believe all women.

[Sam Morril]

That was very naive.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it's very sweet. But I was DJing once. This is what I used to do. I was a dj. That's such a good impression. Will you do that again? Oh, my God. It's like I'm right back there. So I was DJ and I used to DJ for young farmers.

[Mark Normand]

Young farmers? Yeah, like the app. Oh, that's farmers only. Sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is that where you meet lovers?

[Mark Normand]

Well, that's where I think white people go to keep it white.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cool, cool, cool.

[Mark Normand]

I'm just saying that's the app I've never been on.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I. So I was DJing for 6,000 young farmers because they don't get weekends because they're out, you know, providing all the eggs and the fruit and for us. So every. Every few months, there's these huge farmers balls in England. And I would DJ them very often. They'd be themed. You know, there was a Where's Waldo one where everyone was dressed identically, which was an incredible spectacle.

[Mark Normand]

That's cool.

[Jameela Jamil]

From a DJ's perspective, it's just loads of drunk, lost farmers because everyone looks the fucking same, so no one can find each other. It was a terrible disaster and they never did it again. But anyway, this time it was like 6,000 people. And they've put these huge DJ decks up on top of these ginormous speakers, big enough to be able to play the music out to 6,000 people, and I'm having to DJ on them. And not only are the decks shaking, which is incredibly dangerous with vinyl, but also I am a sensitive woman, and after a few minutes standing on the speakers, start to have an orgasm in front of 6,000 people. So I'm trying to, like, hold it down, and I'm like, what? It's a nightmare. And people think I'm having an asthma attack. So my tour manager keeps running to me with my little asthma pump, my inhaler, and I'm like, go away.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, this is incredible.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sending him back. And then, by the way, if a.

[Sam Morril]

Guy does this, he's getting arrested. What if a woman does it? You're like, sweet. That's awesome.

[Jameela Jamil]

He didn't know. Everyone thought, I'm Having an org saying he thinks it's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I think it's awesome.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, right. No, either way, if I saw a.

[Sam Morril]

Woman DJing Anne coming, I'd be like, that's the coolest DJ I've ever seen.

[Jameela Jamil]

People would think I was so into my own music. But then once it's happened once. Cause women are very sensitive. It starts happening again and again and again and again to the point it's where I pass out. It sounds incredible. It's actually unbearable when it's happening. It's like once you go over like five, right? And then past 10, you're like, oh, my God, this is how I'm gonna die. There was that woman who wanked herself off to death when she was 20. I think she came like something like 24 times. You can Google this woman.

[Sam Morril]

There's a Richard Pryor joke. Remember the.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think she came like 24 times.

[Sam Morril]

Dad died during sex.

[Mark Normand]

Came and went at the same time.

[Jameela Jamil]

It wasn't the one who died on the beach, but that's sad as well. Yeah, this was like back in the day. She. She. I think she came like 24 times from using a sex toy. And then she. Her heart gave way.

[Mark Normand]

Holy. Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I was like, this is how I'm gonna die. Like, this is such a human.

[Sam Morril]

At what point did it start to feel horrible?

[Jameela Jamil]

4. 4. Because you start to need to pee. You can't go anywhere. There's nothing you can do. And then I collapsed. I, like, my heart pretty much gave out, but, like, I collapsed at the end of the set. My adrenaline kept me going through to the end, and I just collapsed and I had to be carried to the car. And I don't remember anything that happened after that for like the next nine hours. I was unconscious, but that was quite embarrassing.

[Mark Normand]

So the ex boyfriend could have just gotten a speaker. Yeah, instead of playing.

[Jameela Jamil]

So much easier.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, this is crutch.

[Sam Morril]

That's like the scene in Private Parts.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Pull that up with Jenna Jameson.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't think I've seen that.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God. You never seen the woman? She gets on the speaker, and he's going into the speaker.

[Mark Normand]

The Howard Stern movie.

[Jameela Jamil]

Who's Jenna Jameson?

[Mark Normand]

She's a porn star.

[Sam Morril]

Wasn't Jenna Jameson.

[Mark Normand]

She was in a different part of the movie. But this is.

[Jameela Jamil]

Who's that?

[Mark Normand]

That's Howard Stern back when he was porno. Well, it's a movie about him, but there's a lot of filth in it, obviously before he.

[Sam Morril]

That was it. I think so it's just the audio, man.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. YouTube can't show it because she's naked on the speaker. Yeah. But it's pretty hot.

[Sam Morril]

It was pretty good. It was funny movie.

[Mark Normand]

Great movie. Great movie. He's a very different guy now.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is he still bullying people on his show?

[Sam Morril]

I don't think so.

[Mark Normand]

I think he's found Jesus. Kind of nice. Yeah. Oh, publicist is standing up and maybe quitting.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, she's taking a picture.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love that. Everything I said up until now, she was fine with, but as soon as I said something mean about Howard Stern, she's off.

[Mark Normand]

Don't.

[Sam Morril]

Don't burn. That's a good publicist.

[Mark Normand]

Well.

[Sam Morril]

So the DJing was this. Did this only happen to you this one time, DJing?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes, because you made. I never allowed a DJ deck to be on top of a speaker set or near a speaker.

[Sam Morril]

Is this a common thing with women, you think?

[Jameela Jamil]

I have no idea. We think that's why there are so few female DJs. It's not safe out there. Clitorally. It's not safe.

[Sam Morril]

I guess female DJs, female magicians. I feel like there's not a lot of. In that. In that world.

[Mark Normand]

Really? That's true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why aren't there more female?

[Sam Morril]

There are female DJs.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Why not? I think women, you're more self aware and you know how cheesy it is to be a magician.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think magicians are really cool.

[Mark Normand]

Also, as a. As a female magician, you have a hiding spot. Where's the card?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's exactly shaped for a card. Isn't it lovely?

[Mark Normand]

Just saying.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Extra hiding spot.

[Jameela Jamil]

100%.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe Mark, as a child, being like, I know where that card is.

[Mark Normand]

Where's my watch? Yeah. Wow. Female magician. You don't see that. You don't see a lot of female dlf.

[Jameela Jamil]

People already don't trust women. So, like, it would be too hard. Someone's already watching your every move.

[Sam Morril]

Well, witches back in the day, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Bring that back.

[Mark Normand]

Maybe you made a baby disappear.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Did you see the. Is it. What was the name of that? The documentary with the DJ who OD'd.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's great.

[Sam Morril]

He died very young.

[Mark Normand]

I don't even like techno music. But the lifespan of a dj Avicii.

[Sam Morril]

The lifespan of a DJ has to be pretty young, right?

[Mark Normand]

You don't need a lot of David Guetta won't shut the fuck up and Aoki's still kicking.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Mm. I'm Tim. This is my Wreck this Dog. I don't even care about techno or any of this music. But man, this guy was a fascinating dude.

[Jameela Jamil]

He was such a nice guy. Because my job used to be an interviewer. I was a music interviewer on the Billboard 100 equivalent in the UK. And he was a really sweet boy.

[Mark Normand]

Sweet boy, Sweet boy. Swedish, I believe.

[Sam Morril]

How'd he die?

[Mark Normand]

I think he did a lot of drugs. Or did he kill himself?

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it was a. I think it was the combination of the two.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh. So okay. But he was. He was on the way out. Look how thin he got. And weird and gaunt.

[Sam Morril]

Self inflicted injuries from a wine bottle.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my. Oh. I think he slit the wrist of the neck. Brutal. But he was wildly depressed and he kept putting drugs on top of it. He's like, what am I doing? I'm rich, I'm a billionaire. I'm famous. Why am I not happy?

[Sam Morril]

Those hours are not easy. No. To live the normal life.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of molly, a lot of coke, you know, all the orgasms. Yeah. A lot of ladies.

[Jameela Jamil]

Nightmare.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, one is fun.

[Jameela Jamil]

One was fun.

[Sam Morril]

That's the difference between men and women. We come once and we're out.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're out, you're done.

[Mark Normand]

You get the multiples.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah. Women really have it great.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I think you have less in general during sex. So when you'd have. So you make it up later with multiples.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Whereas we were one in one places. Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I would not be jizzing at a techno beat. I don't know what. What you could do because I've seen mechanical bulls get women. That's a big one. Yeah, you can pull that up. That's a big trend. Because the mechanical bull guys like, you know, he's really working those controls and the ladies really queefing up there.

[Sam Morril]

They get guys too. Dallas Buyers Club. Now that was the aids.

[Mark Normand]

I'm kidding.

[Sam Morril]

That was true.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. But yeah. Riding a mechanical bull is a big. And washing machine. As you said. There's a couple ways to get off for a lady. Guys. We'll wash out machine.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's a big one.

[Sam Morril]

Couch was big. When you're young, you find angles. A pillow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Between the mattress. Bicycle seat.

[Jameela Jamil]

Lovely.

[Mark Normand]

Cantaloupe.

[Sam Morril]

Cantaloupe.

[Mark Normand]

Put the cantaloupe in the microwave.

[Jameela Jamil]

Go back to the bicycle seat.

[Mark Normand]

You can slide. You can slit it with a knife and then you can really get in there.

[Sam Morril]

Never tried that one.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, man.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm sorry. No.

[Mark Normand]

I have a city bike.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are you on the bike? Are you on the bike? And then you've pushed your penis down through the hole that you've made in the seat.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you take the seat off. You just work with the seat off.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then you lie on your back and then you sort of hump yourself with the.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Or you can stand up and.

[Jameela Jamil]

Why does it have to be a bicycle? Bicycle seat.

[Mark Normand]

It just works well with the. The seat. The fabric or the squishiness. It's. It's similar.

[Jameela Jamil]

Sponge.

[Mark Normand]

It's spongy.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's spongy.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. This is all pre Internet.

[Sam Morril]

You know, Penis really can take a beating.

[Mark Normand]

It really can.

[Sam Morril]

You can dig a pounding.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So can the veg. The veg as well. But the dick is. I mean, we beat our meat. We beat it like it owes you money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My dick is purple. Yes, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Beat it off.

[Mark Normand]

I Look, I'm 41 now. I look at my dick and it's really. It's got some years. Yeah, it's like a.

[Jameela Jamil]

So it looks like Mickey Rourke.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Say Walter. Matt.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, no, he's got a few more years before Walter.

[Mark Normand]

Mine looks like Biden. It's like eating ice cream and falling over. Yeah, yeah. My dick is mangled. You know that old saying, you'll. You'll dick. Your dick will take you to place. You wouldn't go with a gun. Yeah. So true.

[Jameela Jamil]

Is that an expression?

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's been. It's been going around.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wonderful expression.

[Mark Normand]

It's so true. You're like, you. You went into a lady's house and a dude showed up.

[Sam Morril]

Either way, I try to keep it out of a school. No. Yeah, no, that was. I was. A story I told in your show. Is the woman the woman who showed up or the guy who showed up.

[Jameela Jamil]

While you were shocking?

[Sam Morril]

Well, I was getting blown. Yeah, it was. It was scary.

[Mark Normand]

Was he trying to join in or was he trying to fight you?

[Jameela Jamil]

He was joined in. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Good memory.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I don't remember what I told on your show.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe the banging, the prostitute. It was embarrassing sex stories.

[Mark Normand]

Right? Yeah, that was a. That was a win, though.

[Sam Morril]

And the teacher. You had the teacher sex.

[Mark Normand]

That was another win. Really embarrassing.

[Jameela Jamil]

You're saying you haven't had much embarrassing sex?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, we've had a lot.

[Sam Morril]

There's many a shoe show. I mean, same here. I mean, I think I also. Sometimes just as a comic, you just run out of shit to talk about. So you're like, how can I put myself in bad situations?

[Jameela Jamil]

Did you Manifest it.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think I'm. I think it's now happening to me. From the second I uploaded my podcast, the Wrong Turns first episode, into the world, into the system, within one minute, my life started to descend into complete, abject chaos. Really now I'm living, like, Final Destination. I've welcomed it in, and I'm now being chased by some sort of disaster demon. In the exact moment as I was uploading it into the system, I was on a podcast of a friend, a comedy podcast, and he was like, hey, can I tattoo balls deep across your throat? And I was like, that would be hilarious. And it's a temporary tattoo, so I was like, great. It'll come off easily, I imagine. Like, I'd never really used one before.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

But my skin is drier than Gandhi's asshole. And so for some reason, it really took. The tattoo. Really took, and then wouldn't come off. And then to the point where I'm pouring, like, straight alcohol, like, spirits on it and it won't come off. And I'm documenting it on TikTok because I'm supposed to be interviewed by Martha fucking Stewart first thing in the morning on stage.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

And she doesn't seem like a balls deep kind of gal.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I can see that.

[Sam Morril]

Back in the day, she was.

[Jameela Jamil]

Maybe privately, but she's still a very proper lady.

[Mark Normand]

True.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I was like, I can't fucking turn up. And my entire life in the past five weeks since it went out has been nothing but health problems, disasters, travel, chaos, Turtleneck gone to turtleneck.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I didn't have anything with me. I was here. I don't live in New York. I was just here. All you have, it's first in the morning. The stores were all closed.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was like, that's it. It's just me and balls deep with Martha. So I had to claw it off my neck, which then just looked like I'd been choked, which I think she found even more disrespectful.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Jameela Jamil]

There you go. What an impression.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. The timing on you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Nightmare.

[Mark Normand]

Wait. Hey, we might be drunk as ready by cornbread Hemp. When you're ready to seriously unwind, it's time for cornbread hemp. Cornbread and hemp CBD Gummies are created to help you feel better, whether stress, discomfort, or you just need to relax. Cornbread hemp only uses the best part of the hemp plant, the flower. So you're getting the purest and most potent cbd. I love cornbread hemp. I take it at night Just to unwind, just to relax, just to take the edge off. I'm not great with the too much thc, so I like the hemp. It just hits me right. And I sleep like a baby. All their products are third party labs tested so you know you can trust them. And everything is USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. Right now we might be drunk fans can save 30% off their first order. Wow. Just head to cornbreadhemp.com drunks and use code drunks at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.comdrunks and use code drunks.

[Sam Morril]

If you've had the same rusty razor since high school, it's time for an upgrade. House of Atlas gets the job done with five precision engineered blades and high performance serum strips that glide across the skin. The blades are stabilized and don't bend under pressure so your shower won't look like a crime scene when you're done. Yeah, I mean, we've all been there. My dad just decided to never teach me how to shave properly. So I think till I was like 18, I walked around with my neck looking like I had a very unsavory woman sit on my face. Not healthy. So you know, get this done right. House of Atlas is made by the creators of Athena Club. So you already know you can trust them and give you top notch quality. And now for a limited time, they're offering 20 off site wide plus free [e-mail] just use code drunk at checkout. That's H O U S E O F a T L-A-S.com with promo code DRUNK for 20% off everything. And House of Atlas is now available at Target at stores nationwide. So get your grooming game on point. It's never been easier. Stop wasting money and time on shaving products that don't look good, aren't effective and cost way too much. Visit HouseOfAtlas.com today.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you know Larry David.

[Jameela Jamil]

I do.

[Sam Morril]

You officiated his wedding, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

Is this another one of your psychic moments?

[Mark Normand]

Yes, Judy Dench. Well, he likes joking women. I knew that about him. But no. How the hell did you you guys meet up?

[Jameela Jamil]

Me and Larry David, we just became friends after a dinner. I didn't know who he was. I thought he was a Bernie Sanders impersonator because we didn't have Kirby enthusiasm in like on normal TV that I used to watch. So I'd never seen Seinfeld or. Which he's not in anyway.

[Mark Normand]

True, true. Oh yeah. The good. So you know Ted Danz who's buddies with Larry.

[Jameela Jamil]

I get pictures publicly of us on the Internet because I'm not gonna whore him out. But yeah, so I, but I. We became friends over the years. You're a big fan of his, aren't you?

[Mark Normand]

Huge. Huge. Ye.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, he's the best.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, he's the best. And then I ended up marrying him at his wedding.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

I didn't get married to him just in case. Let's not start that.

[Mark Normand]

Rumor was that the officiated his wedding. I know he's divorced. Was that the lady? No, new lady.

[Jameela Jamil]

New lady.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Wonderful lady Ashley. She's the best. She's so funny and smart and cool.

[Sam Morril]

Did you know his ex wife?

[Jameela Jamil]

She was a producer. No, no. And she was a producer on like Borat and like. So Sasha Baron I think introduced them originally and she's just incredible.

[Sam Morril]

How do you approach that type of environment? Yeah, like how do you. How do you. How much do you try to be funny? How much do you try to be sensitive?

[Jameela Jamil]

That's what I did. Because I was like, how do you. Because it has to be funny. And how do you go and do what is essentially a five minute stand up set in front of, you know, the funniest man in the world?

[Mark Normand]

Of course.

[Jameela Jamil]

Incredibly funny friends.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

But I survived it. I made it through. No one complained. No one threw anything at me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So I feel like that. That's fine. And now I can talk about it.

[Sam Morril]

Do you remember any of the lines that really hit.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't remember a single fucking thing that happened. I was shitfaced and I was. And so nervous. I just black. I fully black out during my audition for the Good Place was a TV show that I did a few years ago.

[Mark Normand]

I remember that.

[Jameela Jamil]

I have no recollection of any single moment of that audition process. I just remember coming back into my body in the middle of the audition and I'm telling us I'm not reading the script anymore. I'm just telling them a story that I don't know why I'm telling them the story. And I was like, yes. And then when he used to come, he would say, hoo rah. And then I sort of look up at Mike Scherr who looks visibly horrified and all the producers and it's really uncomfortable and everyone's really quiet and so is the casting director. And then I. And no one says anything. So I just clap my hands together. I'm like, cool, hey.

[Mark Normand]

And you got the part.

[Jameela Jamil]

Go. And then I left and I called my agent just Being like, I definitely, definitely didn't get that whole day was.

[Sam Morril]

Why do you think they were so uncomfortable, though?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't know. I think probably because, you know, it was just post MeToo and now there's a young actress just talking about fucking in a comedy audition. That has nothing to do with that. So. And I don't know what. I have no idea. I wasn't there. I don't remember anything I said. If I. Thank God. I haven't got the tape, but it's all on tape.

[Mark Normand]

We gotta get these tapes that. The sex cults, the Haagen Dazs. Haagen Dazs.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's a lot documented of me.

[Sam Morril]

That's your next podcast, Jamila Tapes.

[Jameela Jamil]

No one filmed me shitting in the street. That is truly, like, I am God, God's favorite.

[Mark Normand]

I know. We got you chocolate. We should have gotten you a lettuce head.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know. No, I can't. I can't eat lettuce anymore.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Because of that, you can't let us for you. Yeah. Hasn't it ruined lettuce for you a little bit?

[Mark Normand]

No. I'm gonna get a salad. I want it now. Yeah, sell it to us.

[Sam Morril]

We're going to Chopped right after this sweet green.

[Mark Normand]

Get them on the horn. Oh, man. That's crazy. You've lived, damn it.

[Jameela Jamil]

I have lived. Yeah. I mean, I'm 40. In a few months, like, I. This is. This is what happens.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is what happens. You just collect these embarrassing. This tapestry of mortifying moments, and then you die.

[Sam Morril]

Do you feel like it's. You're in a relationship, right?

[Jameela Jamil]

I am in a relationship, yeah. 11 years almost.

[Sam Morril]

Do you feel like it's. Do you feel like it's harder to welcome chaos when there's someone else to share it with?

[Jameela Jamil]

What do you mean?

[Sam Morril]

Well, like you said, you're welcoming these kind of stories that could maybe be bad decisions. But then when you're single, I feel like it's easier. It only affects you. But when there's someone else in the picture, do you feel like, I hope that.

[Jameela Jamil]

But it doesn't seem to have made a blind bit of fucking difference. It's just that now I have a witness, so, you know, I can't gaslight anyone anymore. Cause he's always fucking there. So he just watches this chaos unfold. He can't believe it. Yeah, he can't believe it.

[Sam Morril]

Does he welcome that type of stuff as well?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, not at all. He's completely dignified and nothing goes wrong for him ever. Yeah. He'll have, like, excruciating moments in his career because everyone does. He's a singer. He had to go on tour with Kendrick Lamar.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like a sort of entire European arena tour.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Jameela Jamil]

And my boyfriend is sort of more a kind of singer, songwriter y type with a bit of electronic music. And so he'd never played arenas before. So this is a very exciting moment.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

And unfortunately, the first like 20 rows are just die hard Kendrick fans, Right. Who don't know who he is and don't want him to be there. They just want Kendrick to be there now.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they're rabid fans.

[Sam Morril]

Are they polite or.

[Mark Normand]

No?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, they're very not polite about it. And so the light off the stage reflects only the first few rows of the audience. So he can't see all of his fans who are further back who are smiling and excited. He can just see a bunch of.

[Mark Normand]

People going, mmm, not like us, eyes.

[Jameela Jamil]

Closed, arms crossed, so pissed. And then there's a song he's got called don't miss it that's got so many lyrics that he can never remember it. So he always has to have his phone up for the song and he forgot to put it on airplane mode. So he just gets message after message after message after message of like, this is shit. Get off the stage. Get the fuck off the stage. Where is Kendra? Everyone's tweeting him and he's just getting live trolled while he's singing. Just being live trolled by the audience.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I can't believe he managed to fucking make it through the set.

[Sam Morril]

He fakes a smile.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. But that's. None of that is his mistake. He doesn't make mistakes. He's like a very precise man. He did like martial arts as a child. Just like a very. Just a dignified person who never falls over and never makes mistakes.

[Mark Normand]

Well, the question is, what's harder him.

[Jameela Jamil]

Out in the universe?

[Mark Normand]

What's harder performing on getting an orgasm or getting mean tweets?

[Jameela Jamil]

Mean tweets.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I guess.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you feel significantly worse.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but the tweets might won't murder you. Like, you could have a heart attack. Right?

[Jameela Jamil]

That's true, that's true. But sadly, I'm still here to tell the tale.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you are. That's why you're on the show. What about the Ozempic? You doing it?

[Jameela Jamil]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Come on, everybody's doing it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are you on Ozempic?

[Mark Normand]

No, but I don't eat 10 boxes of chocolate and 19 Haagen Dazs pints.

[Jameela Jamil]

It was one fucking time.

[Mark Normand]

Well, come on. You can't have kicked that.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, I don't. I don't like the Ozempic. It's made a lot of my friends less funny.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

How do you think it's made them less funny?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's made them less funny because they've got no energy. So that's no disrespect. I think lots of people feel a huge burst of energy at first, you know, and they feel really good and high off the kind of. I don't know, the compliments.

[Sam Morril]

Because they're eating less food.

[Jameela Jamil]

You think after a while you just develop actual malnutrition.

[Mark Normand]

I agree.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cause you can't eat very much. And then there's just. There was one of the comedians on my podcast, because he was taking it. He farted every time he laughed. And after a while, we're in a closed room, there's no windows. It was like, you have to leave.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Cause I can't see anymore. Like, my eyes are burning. Get out.

[Sam Morril]

That's a side effect from Ozempic, is the farts.

[Jameela Jamil]

You lose your sense of humor and you fart a lot. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's a tough one.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, listen, like I said, I don't mean to sound like a massive about it. I'm just saying that I've literally noticed a drop in energy of some of my favorite comedians.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then that's unfortunately part of the job. So I think aside from the fact that I don't want to inject myself with anything ever, but if you're really.

[Sam Morril]

Fat, you probably don't have a ton of energy either.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like I said. I have no idea. It depends. It's different strokes for different folks. I'm just saying that if you're not eating enough, you're definitely not going to have enough energy. And if energy is part of your job and charisma is part of your job, then I would be too afraid to find out what would happen.

[Mark Normand]

I get it. I get it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Might make me more bearable, actually. A lot of energy coming at people, but I could stand to be taken down a peg or two.

[Mark Normand]

But, well, knowing you would make you fatter because you know you have the opposite.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So you take Ozempic, you're turning into Louis Anderson.

[Jameela Jamil]

I love it.

[Sam Morril]

Fat and chatty.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Everything is the reverse for me.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, exactly.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've woken up during anesthetic. That was foul.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Damn foul.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was having my tits made smaller.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Why would you do that?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a sin.

[Mark Normand]

What Are you crazy?

[Sam Morril]

That's pretty. That's terrible.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know. It was a sin. Like, I, I, I dated my boyfriend.

[Mark Normand]

And then after he got sad.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

This is my 9, 11. Oh, good Lord. All right, let me regroup.

[Sam Morril]

Why you're letting the terrorists win by doing something like that? It's not good.

[Mark Normand]

Good golly. All right, Iran. Think about Iran to feel better. Okay, you're back.

[Jameela Jamil]

God had put my, my, just my body parts in the wrong places. He seemed to have put my tits on my ass and my ass on my tits like they were ginormous and I have no bum. I was like, this is, this is up.

[Mark Normand]

That was very British.

[Jameela Jamil]

Nipples on my ass.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, thank God.

[Jameela Jamil]

Thank God he put the nipples in the right place. But I started dating my boyfriend with ginormous boobs. And then after he wanted to be boyfriend and girlfriend with me, I got them reduced and it was.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's a fucking bait and switch. You lied to him.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think it is the most intense bait and switch that anyone's ever done.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, you should be a realtor, because that is.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that is a bait and switch. It's a two bedroom. This is a student.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, but I was punished. Jesus punished me by waking me up to see what I'd done. It was horrifying.

[Sam Morril]

He should have written you some mean tweets after that.

[Mark Normand]

That's why he's a sad songwriter. He's just, ah, we had the tits, the double Ds are gone.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, he does write quite sad songs. So maybe that is what's going on.

[Mark Normand]

There we go.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's in mourning now.

[Mark Normand]

Let me ask you this there, sister.

[Jameela Jamil]

I can't wait to find out where this is going. You're so wonderfully weird.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, okay, me, I think you've had this crazy run of wild, wacky events. The Haagen Dazs, the orgasming, the tits, the jizzing with the songs, the you, the shitting.

[Jameela Jamil]

What a great trailer.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you have all these great stories. You were chunky. You weren't chunky. Your tits were crazy. They're gone now. The whole thing. Larry David. Keep it coming. Yeah, I think now young people have a phone on them 24 7.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

They're so reserved. They're so scared of being cringe and being outed and being canceled or being whatever. And it takes all those crazy stories away and now they're boring. But you didn't. You grew up before Internet. You know, we're the same age and we could live. We could shit ourselves. We could do these crazy things and we could tell the stories later and laugh about them now. Kids are like, I got a phone on me all the time. Everybody's a Karen. Everybody's ratting you out.

[Sam Morril]

Everything live, everything's on the Internet. I see. I feel bad for these kids now.

[Mark Normand]

Fist fights. They go on YouTube now.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my gosh.

[Mark Normand]

It's crazy. I got beat up. I'm so glad it wasn't recorded. I came, you know, so that would have been horrible.

[Sam Morril]

Mark, we have bad news. Peters, roll the footage. You did come.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, I would get pants, you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Know, I don't know who any of us would be. I don't know if comedians would exist necessarily had we not had at least a moment without being observed all the time.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Who doesn't. Who doesn't have a humiliating childhood story? Everyone does.

[Jameela Jamil]

Everyone does. Yeah. But I think it's more like the teen stories. Your shirt inside out.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's actually made this way. I don't know why they did that. It's a strange choice.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't. I don't dislike it. I was just suddenly wondering.

[Mark Normand]

I think it's. It's a little muted. That's the style. Chubby's very good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Very nice. Anyway, sorry. Yeah, no, I. It is fucking weird. It is upsetting, but I think we're starting to. Now there's a turn on the Internet where now people want everything to be lo fi. Like, I write on this platform called Substack.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know.

[Jameela Jamil]

So Substack is an essay writing platform and it's becoming the kind of replacement for social media. But it's long form and they've kind of got a lot of the features. So it looks a bit like Twitter, it looks a bit like Instagram, but then also you can find these long letters. And what it feels like is that the culture of Substack is to go against social media, which is to show people the least embarrassing side of yourself. And it feels like we're all competing to be more relatable than each other.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And more inappropriate. I write a book called A Low Desire to Please, which is named after my dog because he was sent to training school. And they. They wrote back saying, he's very intelligent, he just has a low desire.

[Mark Normand]

Please. And I was like, ah, that dog.

[Jameela Jamil]

Came out of my vagina. That's my actual child. His name is Barold if you're looking for him. Oh, you're looking for my blog. That's very sweet. But on. But on that blog and on, everyone's Blogs. It feels like the substack thing is.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I heard about the women thing. That was. That really caught some steam.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know. Talk about it today.

[Mark Normand]

We don't have to talk about it.

[Jameela Jamil]

No. But, yeah, so the everyone substat block are. Oh, there I am. I am a failure pervert. Which is true.

[Mark Normand]

Now, can we get a photo with the old tits? Okay. Sorry. Just curious. But, yeah, low desire to please is great.

[Jameela Jamil]

A low desire to please. But everyone's substack is about how, like, you fancy your, like, best friend's husband. It's the most depraved.

[Mark Normand]

I love it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Inappropriate shit. And so we're craving that. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

So do you fancy your best friend's husband?

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't. It's not my blog.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't. No, actually, I don't. I mean, none of my friends, not many of my friends have got partners. There's no one to fancy. It's out there roaming the independent life.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Which has made it actually a bit weird because now everyone keeps on referring to me and my boyfriend as, like, their mum and dad, and it's like, well, we're the same age or younger than many of you. You can't just name us, your parents just because we're together. In terms of just what's happening. Yeah, We're Mum and dad.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

We're the adults because we've been settled down for over a decade.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I didn't sign up for this shit.

[Mark Normand]

But you're not married.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm not married, man. I don't. I don't believe in marriage.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That's great.

[Jameela Jamil]

You are married.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You have a hot wife.

[Mark Normand]

I do. I'm very lucky.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've heard about her.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Could you teach her how to come? That would be very helpful.

[Jameela Jamil]

Apparently, you haven't been able to say yeah. No.

[Sam Morril]

Don't get her talking to her. She's got a tit reduction.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. She has ample bosom. Yeah. Quite the large.

[Jameela Jamil]

Keep her away from me. I'll evangelize her.

[Mark Normand]

No, don't talk to her. Those tits are a. Okay. There she is at a little weird.

[Jameela Jamil]

A beauty. Well done. High five.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, thank you. Thank you. Lucky guy. All right, we don't have to go through the whole scrapbook.

[Jameela Jamil]

Oh, let's zoom in on her boobs.

[Mark Normand]

I'm sure they're out. I can show you on my phone. I have them somewhere. But, yeah, she's fun and. And well endowed. So. Lucky guy.

[Jameela Jamil]

Exciting.

[Mark Normand]

Very Exciting.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I'm not a marriage or children person. Have you got children?

[Mark Normand]

One baby.

[Jameela Jamil]

How's that go?

[Mark Normand]

Five months. It was hard at first, and now it's great. You got to get through that hump of, like, the crying, not getting through the night, the feeding, the diapers. Now he's cute and he laughs and he's fun. Tell him to Heil.

[Sam Morril]

What is your objection to marriage?

[Jameela Jamil]

I just can't be asked, I think. And listen, I'm proven wrong already by the man sitting next to me. But I think you tempt the universe when you get married, when you make a statement to everyone, like, we're gonna love each other forever. We're gonna be together forever. I think hopefully this isn't what you said.

[Mark Normand]

Larry's wedding universe is going like, what.

[Sam Morril]

A idiot these two are.

[Jameela Jamil]

He's an older gentleman, you know, and.

[Mark Normand]

It'S the second one.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, but it's. It's. But it's that. It's that moment where you're like. I feel as though the universe is going, oh, yeah, yeah. Your favorite ex that got away.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

Let me send you someone really hot and unexpected at work who does get your jokes. And who is that specific breed of manic pixie dream fuck that you've been waiting for your whole life? And so I think it peppers temptation around you. And so James and I have become kind of superstitious about it because every single one of our friends who's gotten married.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like, not that long after the marriage is suddenly being tempted in ways like they've gone through years of drought, no one interested in coming along. And then once they get married, all of a sudden it's just fucking fantasy city. And so I would. I just. Like, we've watched it happen so many times that we're like, I think we just need to keep a low profile.

[Mark Normand]

Just keep our love a secret under the radar.

[Sam Morril]

It makes sense.

[Jameela Jamil]

Let's not go and announce anything to anyone. Let's just shut the fuck up.

[Sam Morril]

Well, it's always the couples that are always, like, posting pictures together. Like, we're so happy.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

It's not just marriage.

[Jameela Jamil]

Suicide homicide.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, my God. Yeah. Pushing her off a cliff somewhere on a hike, and you're just like a week ago, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. It's like the guy goes, I love. Do you love? No one talks like that. Who loves. But yeah, they're. They're overcompensating because those couples that show the photos of them on the waterfall, we're quite private. Good.

[Jameela Jamil]

Very occasionally, we'll post a picture of each other, but generally, generally we keep it.

[Sam Morril]

I think that's the way to do it. I've also been in those relationships where with one girl, we would be bad and she would, like, get mad I wasn't public enough. And then I end up doing it. But, like, I'm posting us, but now we're in a bad place. So I'm like, probably like, we're great, but I'm like, we're not fucking great. So it's like it kind of feeds itself. And I. I was aware. I was like, I know this is gonna end soon. So I feel like I'm just an idiot for doing this.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

But then, you know, then you look.

[Mark Normand]

Stupid later because your friends, like, oh, two days ago you guys were at a hot air balloon.

[Sam Morril]

I know, it's just.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a bit smug, isn't it? Yeah, I think a little bit.

[Sam Morril]

For some women, that type of stuff is important.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

You know, not all, obviously, but I've been. Relationships.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's more of a pissing in a circle around you thing, isn't it?

[Sam Morril]

Is that like a British thing?

[Jameela Jamil]

It's like a marking your territory. Right. I always presumed the reason that people want. Want someone else to post them is to make sure that other people know that that person's taken.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I didn't think about that. That makes sense.

[Jameela Jamil]

What I always thought that was about. I could be wrong. Maybe they just want to celebrate the love. And I don't want to be uncharitable.

[Sam Morril]

To anyone saying that.

[Jameela Jamil]

It feels a bit like marking your territory.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You know what I mean? I don't feel like we need anyone to know why.

[Mark Normand]

I feel like you're an outlier. Why. Why are so many women push the marriage thing? Because I think it's. I mean, generally speaking, women are the ones going, come on, when are you gonna propose? Where's the ring? Let's go, clock's ticking.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think that's maybe. I can't. I can't relate. But I can say that it would make sense that if someone feels like, oh, I want to know that you're taking this seriously. Because women invest so much of themselves into relationships.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So much and so much thought, so much planning, so much mental load. They're like just, you know, they create your whole lives. Like men, as they get older, start to sort of atrophy. Right. They start to let their friendships go fall apart. They don't pursue their dreams as much. And so they start to think, oh, oh, I don't need to keep in touch with my friends from when I was younger. I'll just become friends with whoever is the husband of one of my wife's friends. Right. That is a pattern that happens. Male loneliness, as they get older, you have to fight it, though. And it's mostly like European men don't let that happen. They're still going on, like, men's, like, boys trips and doing sorts of things. But American men and British men in particular, they don't like to look each other in the eye. They like to sit side by side, not looking at one another.

[Sam Morril]

Yes, we're both looking at.

[Jameela Jamil]

You don't have that problem. And I. And they let their friendships fall apart. And so I think women are doing so much of the. Organizing everything, like just keeping their lives fun and interesting, hopefully, you know. And so I think they just want to make sure that their investment is sound and someone's maybe less likely to leave you. Obviously, the statistics show that that doesn't protect you from fuck all. But I think it's that feeling of, like, are you taking this seriously? Because I'm taking this so seriously.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, that helps.

[Jameela Jamil]

But I'm not a romantic person. I don't think I bring any more to the relationship than my boyfriend does. So I feel as though this is ideal. We don't need to knock anything down.

[Sam Morril]

Why do you think women crave that type of romance? Do you think that's like a movie thing? Do you think that's like a Hallmark thing? I mean, I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've always wondered about it. And I don't think it's just women because I know a lot of men who are also incredibly romantic, like straight men.

[Sam Morril]

But do you think they're doing it for the woman or do you think they're in their.

[Jameela Jamil]

But how can we ever know? Because we're so soaked in this culture. How can we ever know what we think? Like, so many of us were fucking, like, the movies when we were younger, like, acting out sex based on what?

[Sam Morril]

I was only grandmas.

[Jameela Jamil]

Judi Dench. So, yeah, so it. So I don't know if. I don't know if romance really exists. I can't tell because I don't feel it.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've never understood romance. I've never understood kissing by a sunset or nothing upsets me more than, like, a candlelit dinner. Anything that feels forced. Like, now we're supposed to, like, Valentine's.

[Sam Morril]

Day is just like fucking any holiday with grand expectations. You were just fucking people over with that's why New Year's Eve sucks. Always.

[Mark Normand]

Always. Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Unless you just are like, we're doing nothing. We're staying there, watching a movie. That to me, that's like a great New Year's Eve.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is also why wearing lingerie has to be a surprise.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

You can't let someone know at the beginning of the night. Like, look at what you're going to get later. Because they get stressed. Yes, men get stressed.

[Mark Normand]

Now you got to build it up. Oh, you're going to build up.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm going to have to get. She probably spent like $400 a night. I'm gonna have to give her a $400 fuck. You know, like she's gotta make this amazing.

[Mark Normand]

Who's this for, me or you? I gotta pretend I'm blown away by this.

[Jameela Jamil]

It has to be a surprise. A very last minute surprise. Cause people psych each other. Psych themselves up.

[Sam Morril]

Hear.

[Mark Normand]

Hear.

[Jameela Jamil]

Or psych themselves out.

[Mark Normand]

Out where?

[Jameela Jamil]

Do they psych themselves out in the bum? Sure. No, fine. So, yeah. So it's so. It's weird. But I don't know where romance comes from. I can't imagine it's. I can't believe it's real. I can't. Like these poems and these fucking songs and these books have manipulated us.

[Mark Normand]

I'm pretty romantic, so I'm different. We're yin and yang on this.

[Jameela Jamil]

What's your romantic vibe?

[Mark Normand]

I like to set up stuff and surprise. But that's thoughtful.

[Sam Morril]

I think she's talking about a different thing. I think you're being thoughtful. There's a difference, like.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Between, like having to sweep someone off their feet and you know, like planning a dinner. Like, that's just a thing that's nice to do.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

I like to plan stuff for my friends as well. I like planning stuff. Stuff. But wrote that very kind of sentimental. Like, we went. My boyfriend and I went to this like, fancy hotel and they'd organized this like romantic beach dinner for us. And there would sort of tea lights all around and music playing. And it just like felt so oppressively seductive that both of us were so. I was dry as a fucking desert, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, no, I get it.

[Jameela Jamil]

He was not. We were just. We didn't feel anything because we felt like we were just our heads up being forced towards each other.

[Mark Normand]

So I think.

[Jameela Jamil]

I don't really get it, but I'm with you either way. I just. I don't know where all this stuff comes from.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I think inside jokes can be romantic. Like the romance is we make it like a heart shaped tub and rose petals and candles and thoughts.

[Sam Morril]

But I think you're being thoughtful. I'm the same way. Like, we'd have an inside joke. Maybe I'd get something made to signify the inside joke. But like this kind of she's. I think talking about this like forced Hallmark type.

[Jameela Jamil]

I once did a forced romance. Romance thing. Yeah, I used to. I had like a sort of almost bit that I did with multiple different lovers, which makes me a. Like a serial killer or something. I didn't murder them.

[Sam Morril]

Or just uncreative.

[Jameela Jamil]

Uncreative. A piece of. Basically I am like. I've learned I am a piece of over the years. But he. Yeah, I would tell them to meet me at 7am, right, on a Tuesday. And I'd give them a long, like, laundry. Laundry list. Sorry. And I'd give them a long grocery list of things they had to buy for the 7am date. And this is always when they don't know me very well.

[Mark Normand]

That's a lot of work.

[Jameela Jamil]

And so it would be like hiking socks, but not the boots. A suit. Bring your passport, 12 toilet rolls, a Brillo pad, which is what you use to scrub the grease off the thing. And tartan paint, which is an IQ test, because if you can't tell that tartan paint doesn't exist, you shouldn't have it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Tartan paint. Okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

Tartan is like the Scottish pattern. Like, check.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, it's like a plaid paint.

[Jameela Jamil]

Like plaid.

[Mark Normand]

Got it. Got it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Scottish, like red plaid. So if you go looking for plaid paint and don't come to my house. And so I was like, you can only show up with the eggs and the hiking socks and the Brillo pad if, you know, at 7am I'd be out all day. Like, where's this paint?

[Sam Morril]

God damn it.

[Jameela Jamil]

And so they would meet me in their normal clothes with a suit in the bag and the passport and everything. And I would blindfold them and take them. Take them to Kings Cross station, which. From which there is a direct train to Paris. From London to Paris. They wouldn't know where we were going.

[Sam Morril]

How many dates in the world? How many dates in.

[Jameela Jamil]

Are we truly, like three?

[Sam Morril]

That's insane. I would never agree.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'm a crazy person. But I had ginormous breasts. So you can get away with anything when you have ginormous breasts. You can ask someone to meet you at fucking 5am and someone will turn up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

When your lunch cup. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Now you can't do this.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's why I'm settled down.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I guess so.

[Jameela Jamil]

Anyway, so I would blindfold them till we get to the station, take off the blindfold, throw away all the stuff they went out to buy, apart from the passport and the suit. I would then hand them a ticket to Disneyland Paris. And we would get on the train together and we would. When we got there, we would put our suit and my, like, gown or whatever in a locker at the station at the Gare du Nord. And then we would go and have an amazing day at Disneyland. And then we would run back to the station at like 4pm, get changed into our amazing clothes, and then like a move in, run across Paris and eat in the restaurant of the Eiffel Tower. And obviously they would then fall madly in love with me. And I'm only doing this mostly because it's not really there and I'm trying to create it. I'm too young to realize, wow, this is an elaborate way to find out you're not probably supposed to be with someone.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Jameela Jamil]

If you need to do all this and create all these theatrics, it's insane.

[Sam Morril]

The one thing I respect about this is you were doing something crazy for the story. Story. That is the one part of this I. I love.

[Jameela Jamil]

And it wasn't even for my story. It was for them to have the story of, like, oh, a girl really liked me. And then did all of this. And then I became older and learned that I think sometimes makes it look like the girl likes you a bit too much.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

Again, I had those ginormous ass tits, you know, So I. I was able to carry it off.

[Mark Normand]

I'm just impressed you bought the tickets.

[Jameela Jamil]

I know. It was so.

[Mark Normand]

That's a lot of money. Plus the restaurant.

[Jameela Jamil]

Disneyland, Paris. The restaurant. I paid everything.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then that was it. And then they'd be in love.

[Mark Normand]

They'd love you to be like. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then you didn't realize you didn't even like them that much.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Again, I didn't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

I was trying to create. I was trying to create fictitious romance. And then after that, I was like, I don't really get this. I'm not gonna do it anymore. And so now I'm just me. And if you love me, then you love me. But that's it. That's all you're getting. I can't do anything. I don't want to do anything unsustainable because that shit always comes undone inevitably.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

So you've just got to be who you are. And you just try to Become less.

[Sam Morril]

Did anyone ever confront you, like, have you done this with other dudes?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, no. They learned on my podcast that I did publicly. My last podcast that you were on.

[Sam Morril]

They must have felt so special until they heard that.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think they would have felt quite small after that. And I'm sorry for saying it again here on an even bigger podcast now.

[Mark Normand]

When you walk in and Pluto's like, hey, Jamila, good to see you. Who's this new guy?

[Jameela Jamil]

You know, it just made them so happy. So I just wanted to do it again. But.

[Sam Morril]

So you meant well. I mean, I remember an ex got furious of me once because I got her a dumb like a gag gift. Basically a like a mug with her making a really weird face on it, a picture. And she found out I had done a similar thing to another ex. And she was like, how could you? I'm like, well, I'm not fucking. I didn't mean it to be cruel. I'm just not creative with gifts.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

I thought it was like a funny.

[Jameela Jamil]

So like that. If it works once, I'm doing it again.

[Mark Normand]

Same.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a bit. I'm doing the bit. I did this in a special. I'll do it on late night.

[Mark Normand]

I killed.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. Repetition is like a massive part of your art form.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yeah, exactly. Plus, that's a lady thing.

[Sam Morril]

She was so mad at me. It like basically.

[Jameela Jamil]

Would you have been mad if you'd got a really thoughtful gift?

[Mark Normand]

That's a good question.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe, I, maybe, I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

Maybe she's done it with an ex.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. She never got me anything that thoughtful, so I don't know.

[Jameela Jamil]

My boyfriend and I gave each other gifts. Only the first ever Christmas. And then never did it again after that where I. We both panicked and realized, oh, shit fit. We haven't gotten each other anything. And so I went into his kitchen and I drew him a portrait of himself because that was the only thing I knew how to do was draw.

[Sam Morril]

Can you draw well?

[Jameela Jamil]

I can, I can draw quite well. Oh, I'm not, you know, Leonardo DiCaprio da Vinci, but I, but I 25 year old statues. I drew him a decent picture. Okay, I'll see if I can find a picture of it and I'll send it to you. You can be the judge. But I drew him a decent portrait.

[Mark Normand]

It's the old tits.

[Jameela Jamil]

He panicked. He panicked and was like, oh, I also got you something, but it's gonna be here tomorrow. Which is a song he was going to play for me.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Boy.

[Jameela Jamil]

So he went upstairs, learned one of my favorite songs, recorded it, and it was so beautiful.

[Mark Normand]

Wet Ass Pussy.

[Jameela Jamil]

And it was so beautiful. Yes. It was. That song.

[Sam Morril]

My boyfriend, Amish paradise by Weird Al.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And then he. He realized how beautiful it was and then released it to the whole. Oh, fucking no.

[Mark Normand]

But it's a hit. Yeah, but inspired by you.

[Jameela Jamil]

It would. No, he didn't write it for me. It was. He covered one of my already favorite songs by Don McLean, and now everyone has it, and I was, like, cheapened it a little bit.

[Mark Normand]

I get it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Obviously, I wasn't actually mad because I'm not psycho, but it did dilute the valley at the moment.

[Mark Normand]

American Pie.

[Jameela Jamil]

Vincent.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, Vincent.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I like a suicide song. I find it more romantic.

[Sam Morril]

So you were. How did he tell you that he was releasing it to everybody?

[Jameela Jamil]

He didn't. I just. I saw it on the.

[Sam Morril]

You were just in, like, a Starbucks. You're like, wait a second. That was supposed to be for me.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah. I think someone texted me about it. Because I never know what he's up to. Like, we just don't keep track of each other that much. Cause we live together, so it's just like, I don't. I don't know what he's up to. He doesn't know what I'm up to.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

It's so unrelatable. Because no woman would ever be like, write a joke for me.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. I'm like, yeah, what works?

[Sam Morril]

It's funny.

[Mark Normand]

It's about a mug with your face on it.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Well, at least if it's a hit, then you get more money for the house.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, we keep that shit separate.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, damn.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, you don't live together either?

[Jameela Jamil]

No, we live together, but we just keep our money separate.

[Mark Normand]

This is unbelievable. Yeah, you got to do like a TED Talk to other women.

[Jameela Jamil]

Clean, Clean. It's clean.

[Mark Normand]

It's clean.

[Jameela Jamil]

Feels like it's that thing that Goldie Horn said, Right. About being married to. About not being married to Kurt Russell. She was like, I like the fact that every day I walk outside my house and I could just go wherever I want. I'm not married. I could do whatever I want. And I could go home with this guy or that guy, but I choose to be with him every day. I choose to go home to him out of no position of inconvenience. And that's how my boyfriend and I feel about each other, where we're just like. Like, I could go anywhere. I. Like, I've got my money sorted. I Don't have to. There's no mess. There's no overlapping mess. Apart from our dogs, who we would fight to the death over.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Jameela Jamil]

But other than that, I choose to go home. And that feels good for me.

[Mark Normand]

That's the ultimate romance, if you ask me. There's no contract, there's no signing.

[Jameela Jamil]

There's no motivation.

[Mark Normand]

A woman's right to choose. Hear, hear.

[Jameela Jamil]

Amen.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Na women. Yeah. This is big. I think we got a. More people need to adopt us. We're just so stuck in this antiquated fairy tale.

[Jameela Jamil]

Well, it's because of the taxes. They've sweetened the.

[Sam Morril]

And also because to have your own. Some of those people have their own spaces. That's incredibly expensive too.

[Mark Normand]

Right, Right. Damn.

[Sam Morril]

It's not gonna catch on.

[Jameela Jamil]

What do you mean?

[Sam Morril]

No, I mean because some of these people are talking about. So do they. Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell do not live together.

[Jameela Jamil]

They do live together.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, okay.

[Jameela Jamil]

I think she's still saying, though, they own the house. House half and half. As if they can just split that in two or buy each other out. Like, they're just. They're just. They. They don't get married. And I think I found that really inspiring. I was like, they are the happiest couple I've ever seen.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Jameela Jamil]

They're the most in love couple. So I was like, shit, I'm just gonna. I'm gonna do what the happy people do.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Jameela Jamil]

And they seem to just have minimal constraints that say, you have to love me. So I think that's my idea of hell is to complain.

[Sam Morril]

Does it complicate anything? Like, is there like, anything. Like if one of you were in the house hospital, it would be more difficult to.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's the only reason we would ever do it. So I think we'd do one of those, like one hour marriages.

[Mark Normand]

If someone, one of us ended up.

[Jameela Jamil]

In an accident, we get married in the ambulance. But that's the only thing. But also. Who's checking? I just say it's my husband.

[Sam Morril]

If you get your breast big again and he wants to visit you in the hospital.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know. I think this is big.

[Jameela Jamil]

This is the way that all men react when I say I had a breast reduction.

[Mark Normand]

It's honestly like.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's a universal shockwave that goes out across.

[Mark Normand]

I almost left.

[Sam Morril]

I almost walked out.

[Mark Normand]

We should have a moment of silence.

[Jameela Jamil]

Threw your drink in my face. Kicked me in the cunt.

[Sam Morril]

It has been the last 45 minutes of the pod.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. We really. We really I really lost the room, by the way.

[Jameela Jamil]

It's crazy that we were all getting on so well and then.

[Mark Normand]

I know, I know. Now we don't respect.

[Jameela Jamil]

You looked at me since.

[Mark Normand]

Who are you? I can't even hear you. No, but Goldie Hawn got implants.

[Jameela Jamil]

There we go.

[Mark Normand]

Fun fact.

[Jameela Jamil]

The universe.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So you. Yours went away and she took.

[Jameela Jamil]

She actually. Yeah, I gave her my breasts.

[Mark Normand]

They're weirdly proud.

[Jameela Jamil]

Indian tits.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy Indian tits. And Pakistani. Pakistani one and a half. Either way, they both smell horrible.

[Jameela Jamil]

Yeah, they both don't get along. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right, well. Hey, Jamila, Check out Wrong Turns.

[Sam Morril]

And I definitely don't hate you.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry, sorry. That's the old one.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, the other one was Bad Day, bad dates.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry, sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

No, the old one. So this one's just called Wrong Turns with Jameela Jamil. I should have written that on the actual thing.

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. I had it right in front of me.

[Jameela Jamil]

That's all I could master. Mine's smaller than yours.

[Mark Normand]

I usually fart, but I had nothing. Today.

[Sam Morril]

The Wilburn beat The Wilburn. Boston, August 7th. Irvine, California at the Improv. The 22nd, the 24th. Then we have Oklahoma City. Then we have the Venetian in Vegas. Rochester, New York. I'm gonna do a little club up there. The Chicago Theater in Chicago. One of my favorites. Winnipeg just added a whole Euro tour. So Berlin, Italy. Fuck England. Manchester. London. Manchester, Dublin, Paris. Amsterdam. Fucking. Maybe. I think Barcelona and Lisbon as well. I know this is gonna be exhausting. Salt Lake City. Reno, Nevada. New casino there. And Carnegie Hall. December 4th, New York City. Punch up live Sam Morrell, then Ch. Punch up live MarkNorman. Mark, where you gonna be?

[Mark Normand]

I'm going to Australia, New Zealand. Doing the whole. We're adding shows in Sydney and Melbourne and Adelaide. So come on out. And Perth. Then I'm back in Long Island. And Calgary, Las Vegas, Dallas. I'm all over the place. Akron. That'll be. That'll be humbling. And Dayton. Halifax. Never been a Halifax. Very exciting. Hattiesburg, San Jose and Alabama. And then we're off to Hell State. Helsinki and Stockholm and Oslo and Greece. And we're doing.

[Sam Morril]

We might do. We might overlap in Europe. That could be.

[Mark Normand]

That could be.

[Sam Morril]

That could be epic fun.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, let's. Let's get drunk in Europe and get free health care and all that stuff.

[Jameela Jamil]

I'll take you out. Yeah, I'll take you both to Disneyland and then I'll take you to dinner.

[Sam Morril]

I'm like, dude, imagine if I double.

[Jameela Jamil]

Date you both together.

[Sam Morril]

We both feel so special.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, then we fuck. Let's do it. All right. San Diego, you know, you. You name it. Dc, Boulder, Colorado. Check out wrong turns, get some Bodega Cat.

[Sam Morril]

Bodega Cat whiskey. DM our guy Matt at Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram.

[Mark Normand]

He'll.

[Sam Morril]

He'll get you the whiskey in the bar or the liquor store, so please talk to him.

[Jameela Jamil]

So nice of him.

[Mark Normand]

I know, right? See us on the road. Check out her husband's song about you.

[Jameela Jamil]

Boyfriend.

[Mark Normand]

Boyfriend. Sorry.

[Jameela Jamil]

The whole fucking point. I've been talking about it for 20 minutes.

[Mark Normand]

You're right. My bad. Boyfriend. She doesn't believe in marriage unless it's to Larry David. Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

Appreciate it. Praise Allah. Queef it up. I'm gay. Comedy, comedy. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of piva wreck, you know, the beer. Choose close.

[Jameela Jamil]

I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke.

[Mark Normand]

And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her.

[Jameela Jamil]

And I get down in the same way.

[Mark Normand]

We might be drunk.