We Might Be Drunk – Ep 246: Greg Fitzsimmons

Date: August 25, 2025
Hosts: Mark Normand & Sam Morril
Guest: Greg Fitzsimmons

Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, NYC comedians Mark Normand and Sam Morril are joined by veteran stand-up Greg Fitzsimmons for classic barstool banter, deep dives into the realities of comedy, and laugh-out-loud personal stories. The trio discusses the highs and lows of stand-up careers, the politics of New York neighborhoods, rat invasions, weird comedy lore, and notorious experiences from writing in Hollywood and working with celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres. Along the way, they pepper in cranky peeves, recommendations, and stories that embody the show's “a drink or three” spirit.

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Comedy Roots & Stand-Up Culture

• Fitzsimmons reflects on the New York comedy scene’s past, noting the authenticity of comics like Mark and Sam, who prioritized stand-up over sitcom chasing.
  • “These are guys that are actually doing stand up. They're not trying to fucking audition for sitcoms or that.” (Sam Morril, 00:19)
• Greg shares memories from breaking in as a comic in Boston, shuttling headliners with DUIs to gigs in exchange for stage time:
  • “Me and Rogan and Burr and, you know, we had our driver's licenses and we'd take people out, man.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 01:57)
• The group laughs about youthful partying, drugs, and why they never did coke.
  • “The problem is you guys have too much money to do it. You got to do it when you're broke.” (Sam Morril, 03:01)

2. Rat Wars & NYC Vermin Horror Stories

(07:26 – 16:36)

• Sam details his “peeve”: a horrifying rat problem in his high-floor apartment and the saga of getting rid of it.
  • “A rat runs across my kitchen floor. And I was like, that's in your apartment. I'm on a high floor, dude.” (Sam Morril, 07:32)
  • “These aren't pellets. These are logs, dude.” (Sam Morril, 07:58)
  • The hero exterminators arrive: “We travel with hockey sticks and they just beat the fucking rat to death with it, dude.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 11:56)
• All three exchange stories of rats and mice in NYC, Brooklyn, and Venice Beach, LA.
  • “I just go get, like, 10 traps, and I put peanut butter on him… the next morning I wake up and six of them have rats. But one of the traps is missing.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 12:37)

Memorable Quotes

• “I'm pouring gasoline on him and lighting a fucking match, you know?” – Sam Morril describing humane rat traps (09:18)
• “The worst is the tail.” – Greg Fitzsimmons on what makes rats disgusting (12:37)
• “It feels like one of the warriors gangs, you know, the ones with hockey sticks.” – Mark Normand (12:19)

3. Spoof Movies & Joke Structure

(04:25 – 05:52, 17:17 – 18:15)

• They discuss Naked Gun, comedic actors, and the importance of playing it “dead straight.”
  • “If you do that even a little bit, it fucks up the whole tone. It's got to be dead fucking straight.” (Sam Morril, 05:37)
• Sam recites favorite jokes from spoofs:
  • “He was white. Jimmy Fargo.” (Sam Morril, 05:12)
  • “How did you die from a man's laughter? How good was the joke?” (Sam Morril, 17:22)

4. Cultural Observations: NYC, LA, and the Shifting Landscape

(26:00 – 31:34)

• Borough rankings and neighborhood flavor:

  • Sam and Greg agree on Manhattan, Brooklyn, then Queens over the Bronx.
  • Detailed talk about Corona Park’s old-school Mafia vibes and best lemon ice at Lemon King (26:36).

• On gentrification and dying institutions:

  • “Diners are going away, and then I always say, now they have places that identify as a diner...$18 for a fucking orange juice.” (Mark Normand, 27:31)

• Discussing Robert Moses and urban planning from The Power Broker:

  • “He made overpasses that were so low that the city buses with the poor people couldn't get to the beach.” (Sam Morril, 28:47)
  • “He was unbelievably effective and shit got done on time...But he also was a raving racist.” (Sam Morril, 28:35)

5. Hollywood, Ellen, and Working with Tough Bosses

(59:54 – 64:44)

• Greg recounts writing for the first two seasons of Ellen’s show and how its energy soured as Ellen’s behavior became controlling and cold.
  • “She looked at every warmup guy in LA and was like, no, no, no... Greg, you're gonna do it.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 61:06)
  • Classic mishap: The banana wave fiasco.
    • “She says, banana. The crowd does the wave. And she stops. And she's a control freak. So this is like the worst thing that could ever happen.” (Sam Morril, 62:19)
    • “She was fucking seething.” (Sam Morril, 62:51)
• He describes the atmosphere of fear and exhaustion in the writing room—crying writers, “in or out" energy, and fear of being outside the circle.
  • “There was a lot of crying in the hallways.” (Sam Morril, 64:00)
  • “It's not a good energy for a workplace...I feel like you're getting less out of people by treating them like that.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 64:02)

6. Building a Stand-Up Hour & the Life Cycle of Jokes

(20:00 – 23:46)

• Sam and Mark compare processes for assembling new material after a special:
  • “You start from zero and you're like, how do I write a joke again?” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 21:39)
  • “You need momentum. But it's so hard to get momentum with new shitty material.” (Mark Normand, 21:48)
  • “It's like a jigsaw. Oh, this goes with this and this goes with this.” (Sam Morril, 22:08)
• The frustration of jokes dependent on news cycles:
  • “I had all this Olympic material that was crushing...oh, that's not part of my new hour. That’s good until November at best.” (Sam Morril, 23:21)

7. Dark Twists & Crime Fantasies

(44:39 – 48:18)

• The trio jokes about the “best ways to kill someone”—from choking to poisoned cigarettes—veering into conversations about noir fiction and real news stories.
  • “Sometimes there's people that I want to kill and I really think about how I would kill them...” (Sam Morril, 44:39)
• Greg recalls gritty short stories, like killing with peanut oil or the poisoned cigarette “Breaking Bad” scenario.
  • “She kisses him goodbye one night with peanut oil on her lips... and you know he's dead.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 46:57)
  • “He puts a gun to his chest. The guy smokes it. He fucking dies.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 48:07)

8. Comedy Peeves, Tipping, & Charity Guilt

(70:30 – 77:57)

• Mark rails against tucked-in hotel sheets and bad pillows; Greg and Sam vent about “public shaming” at stores for asking to donate a dollar to charity.
  • “I can't move my feet. What are you doing to me, you Filipino lady?...I'm in a straight jacket.” (Mark Normand, 70:37)
  • “They donate $20 million, but it's like, no, those are 20 million of our dollars.” (Sam Morril, 76:24)

9. Comics, Legends, & the Culture of “Nice Guys”

(79:22 – 82:27)

• On the value (or lack thereof) of being “a nice guy” in comedy versus being funny:
  • “If you had a choice between Dave being funny or nice, I don't give a fuck.” (Sam Morril, 79:57)
• Greg and Mark reminisce about tough rooms, legendary but abrasive comics (Patrice O’Neal, Richard Belzer), and the initiation ritual of “earning it” in the NYC scene.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On New York’s Rats:
  “A lot of bodega cat. That rat, I bet slurping up, he's living very well.” – Mark Normand (15:52)
• On Louis CK’s Comedy Process:
  “You just go in and, you know, you try to figure out everybody's energy...” – Sam Morril (20:12)
• On Ellen’s Mean Side:
  “It was like if you didn't pitch in her wheelhouse, then she looked at you like you had just fucking stabbed her puppy.” – Sam Morril (63:21)
• On The Perils of Hotel Bathrobes:
  “I'm not gonna ruin the maid's life, but I'll ruin this guy's life who puts the robe on in a year!” – Mark Normand (69:21)
• On Comedy Lineage:
  “An Irish guy with a big dick is like a black guy with a little dick.” – Greg Fitzsimmons (75:30)
• On NYC’s Changing Culture:
  “Is it even a dive bar if a beer is nine bucks?” – Greg Fitzsimmons (27:21)

Segment Timestamps

| Time | Topic/Segment | |--------------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:07–02:29 | Greg’s NYC stand-up roots, the Boston comedy grind | | 07:26–16:36 | Rat horror stories & exterminator legends | | 17:17–18:15 | Naked Gun / Airplane jokes and old-school spoofs | | 26:00–31:34 | NYC boroughs, gentrification, The Power Broker discussion | | 59:54–64:44 | Working on Ellen, daytime TV, “the banana wave incident” | | 70:30–72:18 | Hotel sheet/pillow peeve, aging & mattress talk | | 76:04–77:57 | Peeve: Corporate charity shaming & tipping in the US | | 79:22–82:27 | Comedy “nice guys,” legends, and comedy club culture |

Listener Takeaways

• NYC comedy is as raw as ever. The “initiation” vibe remains for up-and-comers, even as the business grows more corporate.
• Rodent horror is a universal NYC experience. Whether you’re a comic, a doorman, or a bodega cat, everyone tangles with rats.
• Hollywood and daytime TV are ruthless. Even “nice” celebrities harbor legendary meanness, and survival means rolling with the punches.
• Don’t take comedians’ “niceness” too seriously. Being brilliant, blunt, or even a little mean is part of earning respect and surviving the scene.
• Peeves unite us all. From hotel linens to forced charity, comics keep it real with their everyday gripes.

Recommendations & Shout Outs

• Comedy Recs:

  • Sam Morril’s latest special on YouTube (help him hit 1 million views)
  • “Wild Tales” (Argentinian film with dark twist stories)
  • Book: “The Power Broker” by Robert Caro

• Listen & Support:

  • Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast: FitzDog Radio
  • Mark and Sam's live dates (PunchUp.live)

Signature Sign-off:
“We might be drunk!”