Ep 246: Greg Fitzsimmons

Summary

We Might Be Drunk – Ep 246: Greg Fitzsimmons

Date: August 25, 2025
Hosts: Mark Normand & Sam Morril
Guest: Greg Fitzsimmons

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Episode Overview

In this lively and irreverent episode, NYC comedians Mark Normand and Sam Morril are joined by veteran stand-up Greg Fitzsimmons for classic barstool banter, deep dives into the realities of comedy, and laugh-out-loud personal stories. The trio discusses the highs and lows of stand-up careers, the politics of New York neighborhoods, rat invasions, weird comedy lore, and notorious experiences from writing in Hollywood and working with celebrities like Ellen DeGeneres. Along the way, they pepper in cranky peeves, recommendations, and stories that embody the show's “a drink or three” spirit.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Comedy Roots & Stand-Up Culture

• Fitzsimmons reflects on the New York comedy scene’s past, noting the authenticity of comics like Mark and Sam, who prioritized stand-up over sitcom chasing.
  • “These are guys that are actually doing stand up. They're not trying to fucking audition for sitcoms or that.” (Sam Morril, 00:19)
• Greg shares memories from breaking in as a comic in Boston, shuttling headliners with DUIs to gigs in exchange for stage time:
  • “Me and Rogan and Burr and, you know, we had our driver's licenses and we'd take people out, man.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 01:57)
• The group laughs about youthful partying, drugs, and why they never did coke.
  • “The problem is you guys have too much money to do it. You got to do it when you're broke.” (Sam Morril, 03:01)

2. Rat Wars & NYC Vermin Horror Stories

(07:26 – 16:36)

• Sam details his “peeve”: a horrifying rat problem in his high-floor apartment and the saga of getting rid of it.
  • “A rat runs across my kitchen floor. And I was like, that's in your apartment. I'm on a high floor, dude.” (Sam Morril, 07:32)
  • “These aren't pellets. These are logs, dude.” (Sam Morril, 07:58)
  • The hero exterminators arrive: “We travel with hockey sticks and they just beat the fucking rat to death with it, dude.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 11:56)
• All three exchange stories of rats and mice in NYC, Brooklyn, and Venice Beach, LA.
  • “I just go get, like, 10 traps, and I put peanut butter on him… the next morning I wake up and six of them have rats. But one of the traps is missing.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 12:37)

Memorable Quotes

• “I'm pouring gasoline on him and lighting a fucking match, you know?” – Sam Morril describing humane rat traps (09:18)
• “The worst is the tail.” – Greg Fitzsimmons on what makes rats disgusting (12:37)
• “It feels like one of the warriors gangs, you know, the ones with hockey sticks.” – Mark Normand (12:19)

3. Spoof Movies & Joke Structure

(04:25 – 05:52, 17:17 – 18:15)

• They discuss Naked Gun, comedic actors, and the importance of playing it “dead straight.”
  • “If you do that even a little bit, it fucks up the whole tone. It's got to be dead fucking straight.” (Sam Morril, 05:37)
• Sam recites favorite jokes from spoofs:
  • “He was white. Jimmy Fargo.” (Sam Morril, 05:12)
  • “How did you die from a man's laughter? How good was the joke?” (Sam Morril, 17:22)

4. Cultural Observations: NYC, LA, and the Shifting Landscape

(26:00 – 31:34)

• Borough rankings and neighborhood flavor:

  • Sam and Greg agree on Manhattan, Brooklyn, then Queens over the Bronx.
  • Detailed talk about Corona Park’s old-school Mafia vibes and best lemon ice at Lemon King (26:36).

• On gentrification and dying institutions:

  • “Diners are going away, and then I always say, now they have places that identify as a diner...$18 for a fucking orange juice.” (Mark Normand, 27:31)

• Discussing Robert Moses and urban planning from The Power Broker:

  • “He made overpasses that were so low that the city buses with the poor people couldn't get to the beach.” (Sam Morril, 28:47)
  • “He was unbelievably effective and shit got done on time...But he also was a raving racist.” (Sam Morril, 28:35)

5. Hollywood, Ellen, and Working with Tough Bosses

(59:54 – 64:44)

• Greg recounts writing for the first two seasons of Ellen’s show and how its energy soured as Ellen’s behavior became controlling and cold.
  • “She looked at every warmup guy in LA and was like, no, no, no... Greg, you're gonna do it.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 61:06)
  • Classic mishap: The banana wave fiasco.
    • “She says, banana. The crowd does the wave. And she stops. And she's a control freak. So this is like the worst thing that could ever happen.” (Sam Morril, 62:19)
    • “She was fucking seething.” (Sam Morril, 62:51)
• He describes the atmosphere of fear and exhaustion in the writing room—crying writers, “in or out" energy, and fear of being outside the circle.
  • “There was a lot of crying in the hallways.” (Sam Morril, 64:00)
  • “It's not a good energy for a workplace...I feel like you're getting less out of people by treating them like that.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 64:02)

6. Building a Stand-Up Hour & the Life Cycle of Jokes

(20:00 – 23:46)

• Sam and Mark compare processes for assembling new material after a special:
  • “You start from zero and you're like, how do I write a joke again?” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 21:39)
  • “You need momentum. But it's so hard to get momentum with new shitty material.” (Mark Normand, 21:48)
  • “It's like a jigsaw. Oh, this goes with this and this goes with this.” (Sam Morril, 22:08)
• The frustration of jokes dependent on news cycles:
  • “I had all this Olympic material that was crushing...oh, that's not part of my new hour. That’s good until November at best.” (Sam Morril, 23:21)

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7. Dark Twists & Crime Fantasies

(44:39 – 48:18)

• The trio jokes about the “best ways to kill someone”—from choking to poisoned cigarettes—veering into conversations about noir fiction and real news stories.
  • “Sometimes there's people that I want to kill and I really think about how I would kill them...” (Sam Morril, 44:39)
• Greg recalls gritty short stories, like killing with peanut oil or the poisoned cigarette “Breaking Bad” scenario.
  • “She kisses him goodbye one night with peanut oil on her lips... and you know he's dead.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 46:57)
  • “He puts a gun to his chest. The guy smokes it. He fucking dies.” (Greg Fitzsimmons, 48:07)

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8. Comedy Peeves, Tipping, & Charity Guilt

(70:30 – 77:57)

• Mark rails against tucked-in hotel sheets and bad pillows; Greg and Sam vent about “public shaming” at stores for asking to donate a dollar to charity.
  • “I can't move my feet. What are you doing to me, you Filipino lady?...I'm in a straight jacket.” (Mark Normand, 70:37)
  • “They donate $20 million, but it's like, no, those are 20 million of our dollars.” (Sam Morril, 76:24)

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9. Comics, Legends, & the Culture of “Nice Guys”

(79:22 – 82:27)

• On the value (or lack thereof) of being “a nice guy” in comedy versus being funny:
  • “If you had a choice between Dave being funny or nice, I don't give a fuck.” (Sam Morril, 79:57)
• Greg and Mark reminisce about tough rooms, legendary but abrasive comics (Patrice O’Neal, Richard Belzer), and the initiation ritual of “earning it” in the NYC scene.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On New York’s Rats:
  “A lot of bodega cat. That rat, I bet slurping up, he's living very well.” – Mark Normand (15:52)
• On Louis CK’s Comedy Process:
  “You just go in and, you know, you try to figure out everybody's energy...” – Sam Morril (20:12)
• On Ellen’s Mean Side:
  “It was like if you didn't pitch in her wheelhouse, then she looked at you like you had just fucking stabbed her puppy.” – Sam Morril (63:21)
• On The Perils of Hotel Bathrobes:
  “I'm not gonna ruin the maid's life, but I'll ruin this guy's life who puts the robe on in a year!” – Mark Normand (69:21)
• On Comedy Lineage:
  “An Irish guy with a big dick is like a black guy with a little dick.” – Greg Fitzsimmons (75:30)
• On NYC’s Changing Culture:
  “Is it even a dive bar if a beer is nine bucks?” – Greg Fitzsimmons (27:21)

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Segment Timestamps

| Time | Topic/Segment | |--------------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:07–02:29 | Greg’s NYC stand-up roots, the Boston comedy grind | | 07:26–16:36 | Rat horror stories & exterminator legends | | 17:17–18:15 | Naked Gun / Airplane jokes and old-school spoofs | | 26:00–31:34 | NYC boroughs, gentrification, The Power Broker discussion | | 59:54–64:44 | Working on Ellen, daytime TV, “the banana wave incident” | | 70:30–72:18 | Hotel sheet/pillow peeve, aging & mattress talk | | 76:04–77:57 | Peeve: Corporate charity shaming & tipping in the US | | 79:22–82:27 | Comedy “nice guys,” legends, and comedy club culture |

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Listener Takeaways

• NYC comedy is as raw as ever. The “initiation” vibe remains for up-and-comers, even as the business grows more corporate.
• Rodent horror is a universal NYC experience. Whether you’re a comic, a doorman, or a bodega cat, everyone tangles with rats.
• Hollywood and daytime TV are ruthless. Even “nice” celebrities harbor legendary meanness, and survival means rolling with the punches.
• Don’t take comedians’ “niceness” too seriously. Being brilliant, blunt, or even a little mean is part of earning respect and surviving the scene.
• Peeves unite us all. From hotel linens to forced charity, comics keep it real with their everyday gripes.

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Recommendations & Shout Outs

• Comedy Recs:

  • Sam Morril’s latest special on YouTube (help him hit 1 million views)
  • “Wild Tales” (Argentinian film with dark twist stories)
  • Book: “The Power Broker” by Robert Caro

• Listen & Support:

  • Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast: FitzDog Radio
  • Mark and Sam's live dates (PunchUp.live)

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Signature Sign-off:
“We might be drunk!”

Transcript

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And now we're live.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, we do some talking before we heated these puppies up. We got Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, old buddy, man. Yeah, we've known you a while, man.

[Sam Morril]

Been a long time. And I kind of missed you guys starting out in New York. And you got to the point where you were like, people like, who's good in New York these days? And this is going back 12 years. And everybody's like, these two guys, and I hadn't even seen you. And so then when I saw each of you, I was like, oh, these are guys that are actually doing stand up. They're not trying. They're not trying to fucking audition for sitcoms or that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's rare.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, sorry, what am I doing here?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's called a spaghetti. You put a little. A little Campari in there. That's what Peter set up for us. Miller High Life with a little Campari. It's called a Spaghette.

[Mark Normand]

Spaghetti before spaghetti.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We did it once in the pot a long time ago. It was like the hot summer drink for a minute.

[Mark Normand]

Not bad, not bad.

[Sam Morril]

It's the. It's the apparel spritz for men.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, there we go.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I drink spritzes all the time, dude. At the Cellar. At the Cellar, Liz orders them out of the pint glass and we get hammered. Yeah, because they just keep bringing them. And you're like four deep. You're like, I'm kind of up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, they go down easy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

So do women after they have a few.

[Mark Normand]

So what's this called?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And we've lost our one female listener. Just like that. There she goes.

[Mark Normand]

Come on. We're drinking. We're drinking. Forgets.

[Sam Morril]

You gotta pronounce that right. Oh, man, I got the non alcoholic.

[Mark Normand]

Good for you.

[Sam Morril]

It's actually a good one.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I forgot you were sober.

[Mark Normand]

Have you hit 30 years yet?

[Sam Morril]

35. Yeah. I quit when I was 24 years old. I. I started young. I started at like 12.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The Irish, you're either a full blown alcoholic or you're sober. I feel like it's true.

[Sam Morril]

Especially in Boston, where I started. It was like every. Like the way you would get gigs when you first started out is if you had 10 minutes and you had a license, then you could work. Because all the gigs were outside of town like an hour, and all the headliners had DUIs, so they couldn't drive anymore. So you would just take Don Gavin or Steve Sweeney out to Worcester and you'd get the Boston Legends. You get like 50 bucks. It was like Me and Rogan and Burr and, you know, we were all. We had our driver's licenses and we'd take people out, man. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Those were the days.

[Sam Morril]

Six, seven nights a week.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And it was a lot of blow.

[Sam Morril]

Lot of blow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you ever do a lot of blow or no.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did a lot of blow. That was my final night. Was. It was one of those nights where, like, you. You ever buy an eight ball with, like, two or three other guys?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We've never done coke in our life.

[Sam Morril]

Are you serious? You should do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

People are always shy.

[Sam Morril]

It's awesome.

[Mark Normand]

It really is.

[Sam Morril]

There's a reason why people get hooked on it.

[Mark Normand]

It's fucking great. Wow. It looks great. That's why I don't do it.

[Sam Morril]

The problem is you guys have too much money to do it. You got to do it when you're broke because that puts the brakes on because it's so expensive.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Sam Morril]

You know?

[Mark Normand]

Damn right. Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of do. A lot of do. We don't really know anyone who does it anymore. Oh, actually, that's not true.

[Mark Normand]

We've had a few.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Speaking of, check out Joe DeRosa's new special.

[Sam Morril]

I like how you look down the barrel on your punchlines on a podcast.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's true. Every once in a while. Pro move.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Every once in a while.

[Sam Morril]

You're like Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men. Just right in the eyes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hey, you fucking. Sheen's a great fucking actor, dude. Yeah, he's our. He's one of our bucket list. Gets on this pod. We've been pushing putting it into the universe for years. Simon Rex almost got him for us.

[Mark Normand]

So close.

[Sam Morril]

Who got you? Simon Rex?

[Mark Normand]

He's available, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A clip popped up of Simon Rex in Scary Movie 3, where he's supposed to be Eminem. He's trying to be a rapper, you know, and it's just.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I saw that dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where Charlie Sheen stops him, and he's just like. He's like, you gotta stop going to this. To these rap battles. He's like, you just hate me. Cause I'm black, man. That humor really went away.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, dude. He's like.

[Sam Morril]

He's a good musician.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He's also really good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's also a really good comedic actor, dude. The scene. We probably can't play any of this, right? It's gonna get pulled. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

[Mark Normand]

I never made it to the third one, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's got some great moments.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

This is the last of the spoofs.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Naked Gun is great. Is it good?

[Sam Morril]

The first half is really good. Like, they. They front loaded it and then it kind of. Then you. You know, some of the gags, they just hit them too many times. So by the second half, you're like, okay. They hand them coffee a lot. It's like really funny. Like every time they walk in a room, somebody hands them a cup of coffee because they're cops. And there was like, there's. Do you want me to. You want to hear a joke from it or not?

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. So at one point, he's talking about. It's Drummond's drummer, Drebben. Drebben's son. Okay. And the guy goes, you shot my son. And he goes, well, that could be a thousand guys. And he goes, you shot him in the back. That could be hundreds of guys. He goes, he was white. Jimmy Fargo.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn. I love jokes like that.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great joke.

[Sam Morril]

No, the joke writing was really strong. And, you know, the problem with the Naked Gun is Liam Neeson does a great job, but it has to be the reason why they got Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy is those guys had only done drama before. They were trying to squeeze a joke out of it.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

And if you do that even a little bit, it fucks up the whole tone. It's got to be dead fucking straight.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But he's a serious actor. I mean, he's like. He's usually in dramas.

[Mark Normand]

That's what he's saying. He say it was a good choice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I thought you were saying that was.

[Sam Morril]

No, it is a good choice. But he did try to. He did try to juice it a little bit now and again. Not a lot, but just. Just a hint.

[Mark Normand]

Nothing worse. When these serious guys try to go funny. I remember one time Penelope Cruz was trying to be funny in a movie, and it was horrific.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, women doing comedy.

[Mark Normand]

I know, but it was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what movie was she trying to be funny?

[Mark Normand]

Something hurt. She got her boobs grabbed. I can't remember. That's all I remember because she's pretty hot. But give it a go. Put Penelope Cruz comedy. She was a small role, just backstage.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

With Harvey Weinstein was in the movie.

[Sam Morril]

Pam Anderson was good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, she's fun.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is definitely. Oh, I heard her actual. The last movie she did was really great. The last Showgirl.

[Sam Morril]

Last Showgirl. I saw that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was it good?

[Sam Morril]

It was good. It wasn't great, but it was good.

[Mark Normand]

She put makeup on in the movie. For the love of Christ.

[Sam Morril]

Nope.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Jesus. I know that that's. It yeah, it was bad. I had to watch that on a plane or something.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You had to. They put a gun to your head. They're like, you fucking better watch.

[Sam Morril]

Like in the old days, like, you guys are too young for that. But they used to play one movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was at the tail end of that. Yeah, one movie, dude.

[Mark Normand]

One movie. And cigarettes.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And hot stewardesses.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Now gays or the chicks that were hot then, and they're just.

[Mark Normand]

They're just 79 now, and they're mean as shit. I'm scared of them. I used to be like, dong. They'd be like, hello, what can I get you? Now they're like, what the fuck do you want?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, sorry. Jeez. I'm scared of all customer service.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Waitresses, the lady at the desk. They're all terrifying.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I. Can I give you a peeve out of the gate here?

[Mark Normand]

This is a.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is a dark story. I have to tell it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, God.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I was at my laptop the other night at home, and I'm writing. I'm like, I'm in a good fucking groove. I was working on a script. I'm like, nothing could stop me. I'm fucking cooking. A rat runs across my kitchen floor. And I was like, that's in your apartment. I'm on a fucking. I'm a high floor, dude.

[Mark Normand]

That's a nice joint, too.

[Sam Morril]

I thought they didn't go to high floors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, they do. And I had an exterminator come by for first off, I tell maiden, how big was he? So I saved the picture. First off, fucking big. Secondly, I call maintenance. They're like, it's a mouse. I go, you think I don't know what a fucking rat is? They're like, it's a mouse. I'm like, come up and look at the turds. It's a fucking rat. I'm like, these aren't pellets. These are logs, dude. This is dark. And they're like, everywhere. So it's been there a few days. Clearly, I'm noticing them, and I'm like, fuck.

[Sam Morril]

Sounds like he's eating well. He got a pit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I'm a slob, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But, uh, it's bad. And I. I call, you know, Liz from the cellar, Hooks me up with an exterminator who comes the next day. He's like, oh, there's like a hole in this room. That's why it's there. I'm like, all right. They patch it up. He's like, 99% he's gone. And I'm like, all right. But, you know, you're like, doing like Jim Carrey and dumb. And dumb. Yes. You're like. But there's a chance, you know, you're like, fuck, is there? And I'm like, all right, hopefully it's gone. But it's not gone. I wake up the next morning, there's more shit. And I'm like, fuck. And I had a nightmare. So to this day, I don't know if this nightmare is real. Cause I was on the phone with my friend and she lives in la. And she goes, I once saw a rat and it was in my bed and it tried to bite my finger. And I panicked and I fucking. She ended up killing it. She got in a glue trap and just, like, dropped it in her pool.

[Mark Normand]

Holy shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like, by the way, fuck these humane deaths from. If I catch this fucker on a glue trap, I'm pouring gasoline on him and lighting a fucking match, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Who's this? Whitney Houston? Good lord, no.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She killed him in the tub. But. But anyway, dude, I'm like, fuck, this is freaking me out. So now I wake up the next day, I'm like, well, it's probably old poop. That's what the guy says. It's probably. Is it hard? I was like, yeah, it's kind of hard. I'm like, all right.

[Mark Normand]

Was he an old school guy? Was he, like, picking the shit up?

[Sam Morril]

Sniffing it?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sniffing, definitely a rat.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, we. So I'm like, fuck this. Freaking out. This is the thing that really freaked me the fuck out. I had a camel back, you know, like, you sip, like, those backpacks for water and the straw. You sit, I look at it. I was gonna fill it up just to, like, walk around and sip water. He ate the fucking straw. The rat. Whoa. So I'm like, this is fucking violating.

[Mark Normand]

Now you gotta call ice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So I get another exterminator. They're just like, yeah. I don't know if he's still here. They're like, doing the looking around. I'm like, God damn it. I have. I don't know if it's a dream or I don't know if it was real to this day. I think a rat was in my bed. I look and I'm just like. And I just went. I fell back asleep. And then I was like, 80% it's a dream, but there's a chance it was. She might have put it in my head. But then anyway, I'm like, I feel like it's still here, but Then I was like, I didn't see any shit. I see shit again. This is day five. So this has been in my house for, I don't know, five days now. And I'm just, like, freaking out. I'm like, I need a fucking. I need to call another guy. This guy that Liz set me out with. He's like, I live three hours out of the city. I'm like, what?

[Mark Normand]

Huh?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So it would take me three hours to get there. Like, no, I need someone now. I need someone now. I'm freaking out. So I called these. I just find these guys on Google and they're, like, rough around the edges. Can you be here in, like, 40 minutes or, like, 40 minutes, we'll fucking be there. He said fuck on the phone.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, all right, let's do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's like, intense. I was like, all right. They. It's him and two other dudes. My doorman calls me up. He's like, those guys are assholes. I'm like, what do you mean they're assholes? He's. I was like, how did they offend you? And, like, just walking up, he's like, they got, like, a bad attitude in my head.

[Mark Normand]

I'm like, good, good. Bring them in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They come in. They're, like, pushing through everything. I'm like, this is cool. I had to run out because I had a thing. I had to run out.

[Mark Normand]

But he comes back to sniffing your underwear.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He text me this picture. Pull it up. Salakis.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there he is. They got him. Look how fucking big that thing is.

[Sam Morril]

That's pretty big.

[Mark Normand]

And I go, look at the turds.

[Sam Morril]

Look at the turds. Two different colors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I go, you found him dead? He goes, I made him dead. That's what he wrote back. I go, what do you do? He goes, I call him. He goes, we travel with hockey sticks. And I said, what?

[Sam Morril]

What the fuck?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They travel with hockey sticks and they just beat the fucking rat to death with it, dude.

[Sam Morril]

It's like the Florida Panthers.

[Mark Normand]

Dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They fucking beat it to death. And I was like, what do you mean? He goes. Whenever we'd go to places and we'd see, like, rats or mice, we would just. We would use a baseball bats or a broom. And we're like, yeah, we'll just bring hockey sticks. I'm like, you guys fucking rule.

[Sam Morril]

Maybe that's the retirement plan for the Panthers. They just all become exterminators.

[Mark Normand]

It feels like one of the. Like, one of the warriors gangs, you know, the ones with hockey sticks comes in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, there's something so inherently likable about exterminators because it's such a fucking brutal job. But it's also. I'm envious of these people for being so numb to being disgust because this, to me, look how that's fat.

[Mark Normand]

Look how thick he is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, dude.

[Sam Morril]

The worst is the tail. We had him in my yard a couple weeks ago, and, like, they kept showing up like we used to get. I live in Venice beach. So we'd get like, one rat a year running across our yard. Then all of a sudden, every night, there's a rat running across. So I just. I just go get, like, 10 traps, and I put peanut butter on him and I put them out. And the next morning I wake up and six of them have rats. But one of the traps is missing.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Sam Morril]

We got a runner. We got a guy, a fugitive. Yeah, he got respect.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Him.

[Sam Morril]

They got his leg or something and he fucking. He die harded out of there.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Sam Morril]

And, you know, he went back to the. After that, we didn't catch any. Because he went back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He goes back to his friends. He's like, guys, it's bad over there.

[Sam Morril]

You're like, jimmy, you got a little something right here. You know, dude, it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It freaks me the out. I. I can't believe this. I mean, that is.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, that's a. That's like. Like a possum, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's huge. I know. Yeah. You come with, like, an Italian pest control to come and just start wailing on them.

[Mark Normand]

Can we plug these guys? I mean, give these guys a shout out?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, let me see. It's. They're on 110th Street.

[Sam Morril]

I think it's Italian name.

[Mark Normand]

It's VC. Victor, put a little piano wire around his neck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You fucking cucksucker. Dude, it's on West 110th. Extermination. It's VC something. Yeah, they're. Fuck. I left a review. Google reviews, you could find it. Let's see. Yeah, West 110th Street.

[Mark Normand]

Man, we got to set him into Hamas. Just kill them all with hockey sticks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You wrote a hundredth? Dude.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's 110th up on 110th Street.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great song. Jackie Brown, baby.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Opening scene.

[Mark Normand]

The Delphonics, I think.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, is it vj? I thought it was vc. Go down. Yeah, maybe it's vj. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, go to reviews. I left one. Yeah, leave another one.

[Mark Normand]

Go check out that if you live in New York.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, I want to read your review.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, did you Leave one.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, they get a lot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Hockey sticks. These guys are quick, efficient and they get the job done. Very helpful. Five stars.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Tony's got a great slap shot.

[Mark Normand]

Dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it's only my second review I've ever left, so it takes a lot for me to get on there.

[Sam Morril]

Wait, look up his other review.

[Mark Normand]

Go down. Did a great job. They were very thorough, extremely professional. Alright, not to the doorman, apparently.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, they were fucking awesome. And fucking rats. Then my friend told me another story about another rat she has in her place. And she gets cornered by it in her bedroom. She falls on the floor, panics, pushes over a dresser, the rat's trapped behind it and she just kicks the dresser into the wall and smushes it.

[Mark Normand]

So she just hears from the rat, good, kill him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's kind of badass. I'm also talking to a friend of mine who's. I mean, I'm hearing all. When you start talking about this, everyone starts telling you stories. Another guy, look at his fucking. You put up a good fight and you won the battle, but I won the war, you piece of shit.

[Mark Normand]

Anyway, there's a lot of bodega cat. That rat, I bet slurping up, he's living very well.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but we had. I was telling a friend and he goes, yeah, like back in the day I was in an apartment and we had glue traps behind, behind the stove and two mice end on it. So we just had to listen to them die for like two fucking days. We're just hearing just to turn up the tv. Like.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we got. I live in Brooklyn. Every Wednesday you put the garbage out. And I put the garbage out and I run back upstairs, the stoop and I look out the window and I see the ratchets go to the garbage every night. So what I did was, yeah, it's chump.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why Ratatouille. He had to be like an adorable chef. You can't make them as they are.

[Mark Normand]

False advertising because these things are mean and they chew through concrete so that doesn't stand a chance.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they jump. If you. If you go with them, they will jump.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, they jumpers.

[Mark Normand]

So I went on Amazon and I bought like grade X rat poison. And I just started on the street.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, like where the dogs walk by.

[Mark Normand]

No, I kept it in the cracks. I kept it in the. There's some holes in the. That was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Water supply is tainted.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but I just shoved it all in there and just packed it in. And then like three days later I saw a dead rat there. Dead rat There. So, yeah, fuck them.

[Sam Morril]

Dead poodle.

[Mark Normand]

There a few babies exactly. Look like Planned Parenthood out there.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I just thought of another joke from. From the movie.

[Mark Normand]

Please.

[Sam Morril]

They said. They said to him, oh, this. This guy died of manslaughter. And he's like, man. No. He goes, how did you die from a man's laughter? How good was the joke? He goes, no, it's manslaughter.

[Mark Normand]

That is good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's pretty good.

[Mark Normand]

That's like the Rapist.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Good stuff. All right, well, I'll watch it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm gonna see it for sure. Stavi was telling me was funny.

[Mark Normand]

I'm so obsessed with the old one. Like, I grew up on that. I know every joke.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

God, the old one is incredible.

[Sam Morril]

I had David Zucker on my podcast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he was fucking right. But he's not on this movie.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He must be pretty pissed off.

[Sam Morril]

He even said to me when he was on my show, he's like, I already wrot follow up. And nobody will read it because he's an old white guy in Hollywood.

[Mark Normand]

God. Hollywood fucking queefs out there. Yeah, that sucker. I mean, Airplane. He's a legend.

[Sam Morril]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Airplane is so good.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Good.

[Sam Morril]

So great. So quotable.

[Mark Normand]

You know, that's what they say made Tom Kenny kill himself. You know about this?

[Sam Morril]

Who's Tom Kenny?

[Mark Normand]

I think I have spongebob. Did I have the name wrong?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that's not the right guy.

[Sam Morril]

Bob Kenny's the voice of SpongeBob, right?

[Mark Normand]

Who's Bob?

[Sam Morril]

Good call.

[Mark Normand]

Who did the Lampoon? Animal House. Oh, Bob Kenny.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know the guy? Yeah, I know. You're the Caddyshack.

[Mark Normand]

Caddyshack.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Caddyshack.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So he was lauded as the Doug Kenny. Sorry. Oh, he did all the best comedies, you know, Caddyshack, Animal House, National Lampoon, everything. He was the king. He was like, I'm the best. Airplane came out and he killed himself.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn. They say he fell off a cliff.

[Mark Normand]

And didn't kill himself. He's also in Animal House.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's this guy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, I remember. What are we supposed to do, you morons?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That guy.

[Sam Morril]

What the hell we supposed to do, you morons?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is fun. I mean, that's. We got to strive for. We got to make something so good, people started off in themselves, man.

[Mark Normand]

The plan. Let's do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Let's get that movie made. Norman.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I don't know what's taking so long.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, it's fucking out. That guy, he's. He's great. That.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. He was in A bunch of character actor.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Sopranos and the Mask.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Peter was always a cop, so. Yeah. How the hell are you? Got your. You got your special on YouTube. I watched the whole goddamn thing.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, thanks, man.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, and I should see if he liked it. Before I said no, I liked it. I liked it. The baseball chunk is gold.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I gotta watch. I should watch. I'm going to watch it. I'm going to watch it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, everybody should watch it. It's. We did good. We did good. In the first year, we got like half a million views. It's not a million, so let's get it to a million.

[Mark Normand]

Get it to a million. Yeah, it's definitely one of the.

[Sam Morril]

You know me. But yeah, it was good because, like, it gave me a chance. I missed your guys podcast, but I went out and I did everybody's podcast and, like, you guys put out specials. It's kind of fun to do a podcast tour.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Like, everybody's different, right? You just go in and, you know, you try to figure out everybody's energy and. But I did.

[Mark Normand]

It's like new pussy. You got to figure out every chick. You gotta be like, oh, this is over here on you. Or you like it rough, you like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It soft, whatever this podcast has. Hairy Aeriolus.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

The hell, yeah. And then just touring and, you know, coming up with the new hour is always kind of a cool challenge. You always, like, spend the first three months just cranking and you got tons.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of new shit snapping on poor audiences. Fucking idiot. That's a good joke. No, it's not.

[Mark Normand]

Wonder how did I ever write a joke before?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, right? And then. And then you kind of slug off for a while.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

You know, but yeah, once you get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That first 15 there, you're like, all right, I can survive. Yes, but to God work.

[Sam Morril]

But I was pretty disciplined about, like, not doing anything from the last hour.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's so hard.

[Mark Normand]

The only way to do it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So hard.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So how much you got?

[Sam Morril]

I got five. I got five minutes. No, I got an hour, but.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, already?

[Sam Morril]

But no, this was a year ago. The special came out a year ago.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, geez. It's been a year.

[Sam Morril]

So nine months. Nine months. But I had it after. I had it after, like, four months. But that's with a healthy dose of crowd work. Some shirt work, some hat work, some first date work.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right. Wait, what does that mean?

[Sam Morril]

That's what I asked him. Like, nice shirt, nice hat. Is this your first date?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. I mean, it is so damn hard, man. It's like you start from zero and you're like, is this. Then you start listening to the last one. You're like, how do I write a joke again?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know, but the problem is you need momentum. But it's so hard to get momentum with new shitty material that you're just like, I can't get going. But then after you have a couple bits you can add to that one, you can segue to this one. It's a lot easier once you have that. It's like starting a bicycle. The first pedal is hard. Then you. Once you're going, you're going to.

[Sam Morril]

And then you get chunks and you don't see how. Or not even chunks, like single jokes. And you go like, all right, this is just dangling there. There's no transition. And then you find like, oh, fuck, this goes with. It's like a jigsaw. Oh, this goes with this and this goes with this.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. Then you get a couple pillars. You're like, oh, this is holding up the whole fucking 15 right over here. Then if you get another pillar, now you can play a little bit with these two big bits. It always kills those two thirds.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Done jokes are the brutal ones where you're like, I know this is a really good premise. I know it's got a next a good turn, but it needs another thing. It's just, as you're saying, it's just hanging there and it's. That's what kills you.

[Sam Morril]

That's why you need a good feature. Just somebody who's gonna watch you. Like, really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And they gotta find one. You can bounce bombing up there. It's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Who's your feature?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Veder's great. Gary Veder?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right, yeah, yeah. I just used a guy, Umar.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, Khan.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. In Australia. And he was. He was Raven out of Baltimore. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You bring him to Australia?

[Mark Normand]

I brought him to Australia. Yeah. We had a. We had a great old time. He killed it. We talked about you quite a bit.

[Sam Morril]

No, that's nice.

[Mark Normand]

He said, you've been sitting on that hour for about 17 years.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, he's a funny dude. I think he did a guest on one of my shows in Arlington, like way back in the day.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, He's a good egg.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Killed it up there.

[Sam Morril]

But the best is, like, the tough thing is when you're writing your new hour, like, you're looking like I'm reading the fucking New York Post, which is just a premise machine. And then you write topical shit. Like, I had, like, my special came out in August, so I was like, I had all this Olympic material that was crushing. Cause it's current. People want to hear the. And then you go like, oh, that's not part of my new hour. That's good until November at best.

[Mark Normand]

But at least you could put that online, I guess. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you're like, hopefully this mangione trial gets stretched a little bit. Cause I like what I have there.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

That kind of died. I thought there was gonna be this place. Plethora of anti corporate CEO material. Like, I really thought that was a wave. Like the. When you saw how people reacted to that murder, you go, oh, this is a turning point. This is like the revolution.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We need one more. How about the Ticketmaster guy? Anyone?

[Mark Normand]

What about the shooter guy in Manhattan? That was kind of corporation.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh yeah, he missed the mark. You think it was like a. He was killing people had nothing to do with it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not that you should go out and kill. I probably should say that. We don't get demonetized.

[Mark Normand]

Tell that to VJ exterminator. You guys keep killing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You keep killing. The hockey six is so cool to me.

[Mark Normand]

What's great about those guys is those guys are probably sick, twisted who killed the class pet. And then now you can channel that into an occupation. You just got to find your crazy and then put it into some good. Like those military guys are like, let me out there. I want to kill some.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whatever.

[Mark Normand]

And you're like, thank God we're not.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

At war with them anymore, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Sorry.

[Sam Morril]

Kill some.

[Mark Normand]

Killing the wrong people. Ruski, or whatever. You need those guys out there who will. Who want to do that. Shooting up a school, but you want them shooting up the enemy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, let me out there. Such a funny thing to say going into war. Let me.

[Mark Normand]

Adam, remember that. That was a big thing after 9 11. There was always those corn fed white guys in the middle of the country. Like, I'm going over there. You.

[Sam Morril]

That's why the footage of D day is so great because like the ship opens and they just fucking run at the cliff, like full speed. Speed.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Then they get shot in the face immediately.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, what did like two out of three guys die?

[Mark Normand]

Some poor kid from Oklahoma, 18 years old, crazy.

[Sam Morril]

And a lot of them, like hadn't even fought yet. This is their first battle.

[Mark Normand]

I know. And then you think, how much of a I am. Like just that trip out to Germany, I'd be like, this is brutal. How long is this flight? Now we're on a boat.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No meal.

[Mark Normand]

No meal.

[Sam Morril]

Staten island ferry. I'm like, this Rock. Yeah. This is brutal. And I'm gonna end up in Staten island when I'm.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That might be worse than D Day.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

Rank the boroughs, Sam.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, obviously, Manhattan is one to me. I go Brooklyn, two.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I go Queens.

[Sam Morril]

Three queens over the Bronx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well, the Bronx ain't what it used to be.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I was born in the Bronx. I lived there for the first eight years of my life.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Is that disrespectful? I like the Bronx.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like Bronx is, like, more entrenched New Yorkers, whereas, like, Queens is, like, everybody's from somewhere else.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I spent more time in Queens. I also think, like, Queens has, like, so much. So many different parts.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, kind of levels to it. And there's so many different ethnic groups there that you have such a variety of food.

[Sam Morril]

You ever hang out in Corona park with all the old Italians?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, not really.

[Sam Morril]

They have this. They have this place in Corona. Corona park is like this little Mafia enclave.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And they. Jerry. They have, like, a little town square, like a little green. And they. All the Mafia guys, like, took it over and they hung lights. They, like, tapped into the light and they have, like, a bocce court.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I love that.

[Sam Morril]

And this place, the Lemon King, which is, like, the best lemon ice in the city.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, nice.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, it's worth the trip. Great Italian food.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We gotta do, like. We might be drunk on the road, like, travel there.

[Mark Normand]

So let's do some burros.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, that could be kind of fun.

[Mark Normand]

I would love it. Neighborhood to neighborhood.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Neighborhood bar, maybe.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yes. I'm down. And these dive bars are going away out here, like, dropping, like, in the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

City was like, diners, they're kind of like. Is it even a dive bar if a beer is nine bucks? You know? But yeah, I mean, the diners in the city are, like, kind of dying. It's.

[Mark Normand]

Diners are going away, and then I always say, now they have places that identify as a diner. You know, it's got the stools and the counter, but it's $18 for a fucking orange juice.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I was. I've just reread a book for the third time called the Power Broker. It is about.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You read that three times.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's like 1200 pages. I read it three.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I mean, the second or third time, I jumped around, but the first time, I just. You can't put it down, especially as a New Yorker. Like, it talks about how every Parkway, Triborough Bridge, Verrazano Jones beach, this guy, literally, he was like, the Parks commissioner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But he was there for like 50 years and he had more power. Everybody said he had more power than the mayor, the governor, Tammany Hall. He was around during the Tammany hall days, but he held the purse strings for all the construction jobs because they were building all the bridges and everything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He did everything. He built everything in New York.

[Mark Normand]

Is he good or bad?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, he was crying.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, he was unbelievably effective and shit got done on time and it got done at cost. But he also was a raving racist.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

And so, like, he built something like 250 city pools, and two of them were in black neighborhoods. And then when he built Jones beach, he made overpasses that were so low that the city buses with the poor people couldn't get to the beach.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Sam Morril]

Did you ever hear about that?

[Mark Normand]

That's dark.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I have. It's.

[Sam Morril]

And then when he built, like the on ramp for the Triborough Bridge or whatever, he, like, he split up parts of the Bronx that were poor and just leveled him in apartments that had little, you know, immigrant towns in them that were poor and left up all the good real estate.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

The problem is, when you grew up, way after this happened, you're like, this guy's great. There's a bridge going right here. It's so convenient. But at the time, it sucked.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I heard that someone said that when he put the Bronco Expressway through, that broke up those neighborhoods, obviously. But it also affected the neighborhood in a bad way because there was not a police presence. The police presence before that was old ladies looking out their window. It was like a real neighborhood situation. And now you don't have that. And you don't have no neighborhoods on either side. You just have this giant thruway.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Like, Tremont street was where the Cross Bronx really destroyed the neighborhood. But. No but impressive what you can get. I mean, it's like everybody says about democracy versus, like a dictatorship. Shit gets done during a dictatorship when.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

One person doesn't have to answer to people, Right.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And also, New York tend to thrive under corrupt leaders, unfortunately, you know.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

As a lot of play. Like New Orleans.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, the mob running shit, obviously the mob is corrupt and killing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, in Vegas, that was like.

[Mark Normand]

It was clockwork, baby.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Everything gets done right. Protection is safe.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

They'll kill you. But.

[Sam Morril]

Well, New York's always had strong mayors.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You know, the ones that are good are.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not lately now.

[Sam Morril]

No, it's been a while.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Did you like Koch?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He Was kind of before my time. I was really young for that. But, I mean, people seem to like him.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know. How about you?

[Sam Morril]

He was a character. Well, my dad had a radio show in New York. My whole life he was on wnew. And Koch used to call in every single morning before work and they would go at it because Koch was like, my dad was kind of a bleeding heart liberal, and he was a New York Times reader, and Koch was like a Post reader, and they would just tear it up about the unions and whatever. And that's kind of cool that he.

[Mark Normand]

Would call on the radio.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Kind of ahead of its time.

[Sam Morril]

He kind of taught my dad, kind of taught him how to do radio. He would call in because he knew he eventually wanted to do a radio show, which he did later.

[Mark Normand]

Funny.

[Sam Morril]

So he was kind of learning on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The job, like the People's Court.

[Sam Morril]

He did.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Fuck, man. That would be the greatest gig and show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Gay guy, too.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Is he gay? Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Never out.

[Mark Normand]

Never out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's gotta be. That's gotta be tough.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh, is that why he said there was a big plaque that said, don't vote for the. What was that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The queer?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Something. But stay here. Don't vote for the queer. Was that about Koch?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Must be.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't know that. I didn't know you really see gays that unkempt.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Barney Frank, he was another one, right? Yeah. It's weird when a gay dude's really out of shape.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Gay politicians have to get on because you know what?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Women will look past a dude, be looking like shit. But gay dudes are like, no, you better fucking keep it tight.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dudes are more shallow.

[Mark Normand]

Cuomo, not the homo. Was that about him?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think so.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Buddha jizz. He's got it together. He's tight. His is. I'm not into him, but, like, presentable.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's very presentable.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Military guy.

[Sam Morril]

Isn't it weird that we got a guy who did two tours of duty who has, like, an impeccable three if.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You count his husband? Thanks, everybody.

[Sam Morril]

That's a tour of Danny.

[Mark Normand]

That was a tour of Booty.

[Sam Morril]

I knew you'd do a better one than me. And he's not electable. You know, he checks every box with Democrats and he's not electable.

[Mark Normand]

Why is he not electable?

[Sam Morril]

Because he's gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just don't think a gay guy could.

[Sam Morril]

Really.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's fine.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not in America, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's too homophobic a country.

[Mark Normand]

But he's so non. He's not, like, flamboyant or anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think he's a smart guy. Once you see him with his husband on stage and people like, that's not like me. I think too much of the country's.

[Mark Normand]

Like, nope, I didn't think about that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think so.

[Sam Morril]

I think he should go to one of those conversion therapy programs and then come out, hook him up with a. Get one of Tom Cruise's exes as a. As a beard.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He gets divorced and loses his family and then still loses to a Republican in 2028.

[Sam Morril]

Or he wins and then he comes out and just starts tonging his husband on stage. I'm back.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Does a Kaiser so say with his penis?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he's got black kids. Yeah, you're right. I'm out. Yes. Kidding.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we tried that with May.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a lot. There's a lot for people to get past here.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

What's his face at? Black kids.

[Sam Morril]

The mayor of New York.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. De Blasio.

[Sam Morril]

De Blasio.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Black wife, though, too.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, was she black?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Nobody cared about that, right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think mayor is different than president, Dude.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't know Koch was gay. I didn't know Buttigieg was gay.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is fun.

[Sam Morril]

You think it was his idea?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is fun for people who even know who Ed Koch is.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We've lost everybody. He was a guy who said, how am I. How am I doing? That was this whole thing, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How am I doing?

[Mark Normand]

Pull up a picture of the Bronx for me. Just. Just. Just like, a map of it. Because I don't know the Bronx, because I know a guy named Vinnie who grew up in the Bronx, and he was like, it was fine. It was great. Everybody thinks the Bronx is this hellhole with stabbings and shootings, and it is. But where the hell did you grow up?

[Sam Morril]

I grew up on the east side, Frogs Neck, which is, like, by Park Chester.

[Mark Normand]

Is that by Riverdale now?

[Sam Morril]

Riverdale is the other side of the Bronx.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Riverdale is, like, a bit more suburban, though, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Still is.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

My dad was from Riverdale.

[Mark Normand]

What the hell are you doing?

[Sam Morril]

Just look where the bridge goes across the bridge. The Throgs Neck Bridge. It's next to the Whitestone.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, hit that. Minus. There we go.

[Sam Morril]

Okay, now go south.

[Mark Normand]

This is good. Pod here.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. That's City Island.

[Mark Normand]

That little guy right there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Wait, I can't even tell. Can you go?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This is. This is not good for people.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Whoever's listening to this on audio, we're like, no, not there.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's literally like, me going down a woman. No, you're off.

[Mark Normand]

You're off.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Not that. Okay, sorry.

[Mark Normand]

I found City Island.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sorry about the clip, by the way. That rat blocked me out of some, too this week. That.

[Sam Morril]

Really.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I can't bring a girl home when there's a rat in my apartment. I had visions of just, like, being in bed with her and the rat peeking out like, you.

[Mark Normand]

Well, if he comes into bed, it's a threesome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He owns the apartment.

[Sam Morril]

She's feeling you out of the bar. Do you have pets? You're like, well, you just have to pretend.

[Mark Normand]

Raul. Yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Good to see you. Good chef. My good, my good pet rat.

[Mark Normand]

Raul.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dude, that you. Mice at least run away. They at least, like, they. They feel bad.

[Sam Morril]

Rats.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just look at you.

[Mark Normand]

They're like, you damn right. That's a skin. If that thing crawled on you. Oh, my God. Look at that. It goes. It'll go right up your pant leg.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sorry. We keep going back to this, guys.

[Sam Morril]

It's when I lived in Little Italy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a size 6 Nike, right?

[Sam Morril]

You can see that's a jumper. Look at those hind legs.

[Mark Normand]

Nosferatu. Nosferatu, that's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Look at that limp wrist. He might have been gay.

[Mark Normand]

That's a gay rat.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but I. I had a tin roof. I lived in a tenement on Mulberry street and had a tin roof. And there was so many mice, you would just hear the feet across right above your head every night.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't like them. But, like, it's fine. It's like, I've seen mice my whole life. It's fine. And I've seen rats my whole life. But in your apartment, it's a different level. They're just so. They're filthy rats. That's what you call someone when you eat them. A filthy rat. They're filthy animals and they bite. They bite.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And when they're starving, they go crazy. That's what you have to do. You have to block all the holes. You drive them crazy. Now they have nowhere to go. But now you're like, fuck, it's me and the rat. It's mind games.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Sam Morril]

I think we should write Ratatouille. Go dark with it.

[Mark Normand]

My old. I used to live on Bleecker. And, you know, the. Was one of those windows that looked just at another building, but it had one power line. And I would see a rat walking on that thing at least once a Week. Yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mice. Yeah, Mice. Never. Like, I know you don't like it, but you're like, all right, it is what it is.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Even a roach. I hate roaches. But you're like, step on. Step on it. It's all right. Brats. You gotta.

[Mark Normand]

How about these queefs that go, hey, don't kill it. Oh, you gotta set it back into nature. You gotta put it in a humane trap and then walk it to Central Park. I'm like, get the hell out of here. This thing's gonna die.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll fling it off a roof.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How would you like to get hit by that walking down the street on a date?

[Mark Normand]

No. I'll waterboard that thing. Fuck them.

[Sam Morril]

We got. I play golf at this course. It's just this little nine hole course in Venice beach, and we play on Fridays. And there's a million squirrels. And they don't. They have no fear. And so if you leave your bag and then you go to hit your shot, a squirrel will jump on your bag. And everybody's got like a granola bar in their back and they rip. They fucking tear it apart in like three seconds. They rip your. Your bag. And so everybody just starts whipping balls at the. At the squirrels. And then. And. And I was like. And then once in a while, like, a hawk will show up. And you'll just see this hawk flying around and you just see the squirrel population over the next couple of weeks just starts to diminish.

[Mark Normand]

You're rooting for the hawk?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, yeah, the chain of command, dude.

[Sam Morril]

Yep.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, there's something about those animals. Like, they're smart. They're really smart. That's what I. With the rat. I was like, they're fucking. They know how to avoid traps. Oh, yeah, because they were. They put them everywhere.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he's avoiding. Five nights he was in there with me. At least maybe more. Probably more, because that's when I first saw him.

[Sam Morril]

So wasn't there a rat czar in New York?

[Mark Normand]

There was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They didn't do shit. But they are poisoning the ground now. Apparently all over. They're like, they say the rat numbers are down, but all these exterminators I talked to, they're like, dude, the amount of five star hotels in New York City that have rats.

[Sam Morril]

No shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

I see him in movie theaters, I see them in bars. They're everywhere. It's a problem.

[Sam Morril]

Well, the subway is just a giant rat rat nest, dude.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We made a rat. A celebrity pizza rat.

[Mark Normand]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's what. We just have to roll with it at this point. We're like, yeah, it was kind of fun. Remember pizza rat? That was like the Rizzler of his day.

[Mark Normand]

He was huge. Jesus Christ.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He had his charm, this rat. Look at him go.

[Sam Morril]

That was the beginning of the New York hatred period. We're just like, I'm never going to New York.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, look, we put them into the architecture. It's in the culture.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's at Grand Central.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. What could zoom in on that? Matt, what the fuck? So those are supposed to mimic what ships had when they would dock. That would be the rope tied, and they would put those things up so rats couldn't get on your ship. They put these cones around the ropes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, smart. Yeah. But, yeah, great. We gotta just stare at stone rats all day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. You seem like you have a good life in. In la. You get.

[Mark Normand]

You get.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You play your golf, you have your routine.

[Mark Normand]

How's Venice, though? Is it still riddled with hobos?

[Sam Morril]

No, that was during the pandemic. It was like. I bought my house 25 years ago. So, like, when I first bought it, there was a big gang war going around in my neighborhood or just next to my neighborhood. So it was like, always helicopters at night. There was gunshots and sirens. And then it just, like, got beautiful where I had, like, all these celebrities move into my neighborhood, you know, like Julia Roberts and Tim Robbins and, like, all these guys. And then. And then the pandemic. They just told the cops, hands off policy because they're so afraid they'd get sick that they said, just let people camp wherever they want. Don't harass them. And then they cleaned it up. As soon as the pandemic ended, they cleaned it up. So. But we got stuck with this reputation because there was all those videos of the campsites along the beach.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

With the miles. Yeah. So that's almost all gone.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Sam Morril]

But no, it's a good life. Like, I hate the amount of hatred that California gets because, like, you know, I've been out there 25 years, and I do. I really love it. And then, like, I'm in Dayton, Ohio, a couple weeks ago, and I'm like, yeah, I live in California. Somebody's like, boo, Boo. You're fucking Dayton, Ohio.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Right.

[Sam Morril]

You don't get to boo California.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You don't live there. You're there.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dayton is messy as fuck.

[Sam Morril]

Is it that?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Downtown is last I was there, I was like, look, they got that. They had a great barbecue place and Dayton's got some great stuff in it too, but it was pretty messy downtown.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Dayton's right. I'll be there in three weeks.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, some theater there. I forgot the name of it, but yeah, it's. There's a cute little like hipster area in Dayton. I can't remember the name of it. It's got a name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was there the barbecue spot called Smoke? Is that still there in Dayton? That was like phenomenal.

[Sam Morril]

95% of the time I go airport, hotel, club.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Home.

[Mark Normand]

You're not hitting the town?

[Sam Morril]

I don't see shit.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nah, I guess it's gone. Oh, yeah, you're out.

[Sam Morril]

But it's just like, you know, what the fuck did we ever do? You know, it's like we give you all your tv, all your movies. Fucking almonds, avocado, all the wine, all the real.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of movies are not shot in LA any anymore.

[Sam Morril]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Atlanta, Vancouver.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

New Jersey.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Louisiana.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because they're making it expensive to shoot out there, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. They're finally making some tax breaks for the same thing though.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's why nothing gets shot in New York either.

[Sam Morril]

But didn't they just build like a giant new studio in Queens?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think I did.

[Mark Normand]

They.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I know they did one in. I think Netflix did one in Jersey.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, and I think. And De Niro did one.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but what about that fire money? I heard that was, you know.

[Sam Morril]

We didn't get any. Yeah, yeah, we didn't get any.

[Mark Normand]

What's up with that?

[Sam Morril]

Well, what's up with that? Because, you know, they always have that quotient for each state of whether you're a give or take or a taker state in terms of what you taxes to the government versus what you take in services. And California is by far the biggest giver. We give $89 billion in surplus to the government and then when we're trying to get one back to cover, they're.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like state taxes in California is why so many people leave.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right, right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So we're in New York. That's why so many people during COVID went to like, you know, Tennessee or Florida.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's because taxes here are crazy.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, you know, so everybody's going to Florida now and Austin.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus, Nashville.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but I mean, how would you. I mean, look, Florida's fine, but year round, that's tough, dude. I don't know. I guess.

[Sam Morril]

No, you just have to do six months.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Six months in one day.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right, right. Which my friend does. A friend is exactly that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do they. You do the. You have someone stay in your place if you want to cheat it a little bit. You put the lights on, do this electricity or do they do credit card? How do they do it? Phone. How do they check?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I would guess plane tickets plus credit card. I mean they can track you. They know where you are. Like sometimes there's people that I want to kill and I really think about how I would kill them and I think, well, I would have to leave my phone somewhere and I would have to drive and use cash at the tolls.

[Mark Normand]

Yep.

[Sam Morril]

And then have but know in advance what their movements are, where they go true. And then kill them.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And what kind of people we talking here? Who you think? Who are you thinking about?

[Sam Morril]

Just fucking trolls.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah. Some mean commenters. Yeah, I hear you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Interesting. Kind of satisfying too, you know, they'd fucking cower.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Oh, that's just it, right? Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Maybe do it with a hockey stick.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. How would you kill somebody if you were to kill somebody?

[Mark Normand]

Good question.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn. It's a. It's a good. I think, I think it depends on the person because if it's personal. It's personal, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yes, it's choke out which personal.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that's personal. Look them in the eyes.

[Mark Normand]

Stabbing is pretty intimate. You got to be right on.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's a mess.

[Sam Morril]

A lot of DNA. But choking is like. You're see, you're seeing their eyes panic and then you ever see like a gazelle get caught by a lion and after they're caught, they just kind of hang. They're just like, oh, you got me.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

I want to see that look.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then feel there like when the.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Tennis player lose a big match. Like.

[Sam Morril]

Ah, right. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's good.

[Sam Morril]

But a shotgun blast where they go backwards after you hit them in the chest.

[Mark Normand]

I like that.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But that's not. See, that's not efficient. In Manhattan that makes too much noise. The neighbors have a problem. Talk about the road. I mean we're in like a woods of a. Shotguns. Great.

[Sam Morril]

I think Dayton. That's a Dayton killing right there. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I don't mind poisoning. I kind of like there's some charm to the clinking glasses. And then you just watch. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I remember reading the short story once. It was in this series. It's the anthology called Manhattan Noir. They're really cool and they have a bunch of like an La Noire series, but there are short stories and one of them, this woman kills a guy. It's her ex husband who she still Kind of loves, but also hates. And she knows he's allergic to peanuts.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So she kisses him goodbye one night with peanut oil on her lips and just says goodbye. And you know he's dead.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I was like, ooh, that's kind of a fucking. I love a good. There was another one where a guy. There's a guy killing homeless people. And they don't know who's killing homeless people. And the cops are like, he keeps fucking killing homeless people. There's always a cigarette next to him. And they kind of figure out that he's handing them poisoned cigarette. The only way we do it. So a cop goes undercover one night as a homeless guy. He's laying on the street and this guy offers him a cigarette. And he looks at it and he sees that it's coming from a pack where one is up the other way. So he knows this is a poisoned cigarette and all the others are good.

[Sam Morril]

That's his Breaking Bad cigarette.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. And he goes. He goes, why don't you fucking take the cigarette instead? And he goes, oh, no, I'm good. And he goes, take the fucking cigarette. Smoke it. And he goes, oh, no, I'm cool. Takes a gun out, he goes, smoke the fucking cigarette right now. Makes the guy. The guy goes, I'm sorry. I do this because, you know, I feel like I'm helping them. They're homeless. He's like a sick guy. And he goes, smoke the fucking cigarette. Puts a gun to his chest. The guy smokes it. He fucking dies. He disguises him as a homeless guy and leaves him there. So they think that this. The cops think this is another homeless guy that got murdered.

[Sam Morril]

This Twilight Zone of.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's like a chill.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a Manhattan noir. It's like a. It's like a series. That's a. That's a cool fucking twist, right?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, man.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, they're cool little like short stories that are like, fucked up. Yeah. They're like kind of. It's like if Twilight Zone were just like weird kind of dark city.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I got one for you. Pull this up. So I was just in Australia. Everybody's talking about this mushroom lady. So a woman made a beef Wellington with poisonous mushrooms in it. Invited her whole family over. She had a different color plate. She gave them all the beef Wellington on one color plates. They all died.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Really set the whole thing up. There it is, three relatives with a meal, death cap mushrooms baked into a beef Wellington. She got found guilty, so she invited her husband. Her and her husband are divorced. She Invited the husband over and his whole family. The husband said, this bitch never cooked a day in her life. I'm not going over there.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

And. But her. His family went and they died.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Awful. Dude, there's a great movie. It's an Argentinian movie called Wild Tales. Have you heard of this shit? You've seen it? It's amazing. It's a huge wreck. But it's a bunch of short, like, kind of weird stories like this. And one of them is, I'm giving it away. But the rest are all great too, so watch it. One of them is a bunch of people on a plane and they realize, like, oh, we have a friend in common. And then someone behind me goes, oh. You know that they realize everyone on the plane knows each other while they're in the air. And they're like, what the fuck? How do we all. This is weird. The guy flying the plane, he got them all on the same plane and he is gonna kill them.

[Sam Morril]

You mean he's gonna crash the plane.

[Mark Normand]

Crashes the plane and he's gonna die too, then, yeah. Oh, wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

To murder, suicide.

[Mark Normand]

See you in hell.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Great fucking movie, though.

[Sam Morril]

It's like what the Jews did on 9 11.

[Mark Normand]

Man. So wait a minute. When did you leave the Bronx?

[Sam Morril]

I think I was about 8.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's pretty early.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And then I lived in Tarrytown, New York.

[Mark Normand]

You moved to a nice, nice cushy neighborhood of Tarrytown?

[Sam Morril]

Well, you know, Tarrytown is actually a real right and wrong side of the tracks town because we have a GM plant downtown and there's a bunch of housing projects and minorities. So there was.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's a really nice place, though.

[Sam Morril]

It's a great. Well, you've been to the music hall, I'm sure, which is a great. I shot my special there. My first special.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's a great place to shoot. Yeah, I remember opening for a Telder back in the day, and I was like a really young comic. And as we were leaving, he brought me on stage, he made me do the whole thing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nervous as hell. And he murdered. And we're driving back and he says, I'm a fucking hack. I'm a fucking. I suck. I'm a fucking hack. And we're like, dude, we all think you're the best comic, like, ever. And he goes, well, I'm better than you guys. Killed me.

[Sam Morril]

That's amazing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I remember Andy Pitts there. Remember that guy?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, I love Andy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, good guy.

[Sam Morril]

That theater was built in, like, the 1880s or something, and it When I was a kid, there was a fire and it kind of burned a lot of it. And then they rebuilt it. What year is it?

[Mark Normand]

Dave Brubeck. Wow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

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[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

What do you mean back in the day? Still on. I had to give it up. Still a day.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How many, how many comedy podcasts do you still listen to? Never.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

I never have.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I was a big Fitz Dog nut back in the day and I know your whole childhood with the pond, ice skating.

[Sam Morril]

Yep.

[Mark Normand]

The mescaline.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

The Puerto Rican vagina you would sling.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, there's a lot of Puerto Rican vagina.

[Mark Normand]

Oh man, you had such a great. I could picture your whole childhood in head. I had such a shitty upbringing that, that I.

[Sam Morril]

In New Orleans. You had a shitty upbringing?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, it was all right.

[Mark Normand]

Well, no, I'm not. I wasn't beaten with a, with a wrench or anything, but it was a hockey stick. Yeah. It was just a weird place to grow up.

[Sam Morril]

No, it was kind of perfect because, like, you know, it's only a half hour into the city and both my parents worked in the city and so like, we were in here a lot, but yet we still like had a lake to skate on in the winter and we could ride our bikes around and. But it was just a really insane town. Like, like my kids were talking about how many of their kids, how many of their friends died in high school, you know, and it was like three. And they go to Santa Monica High School, which is like, you know, 4,000 kids.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

And I went to, you know, Sleepy Hollow High School, was our school mascot. And so. And I was like, I started naming like 15 kids that died.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And like they all died drunk driving, getting shot, some of them some disease.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's nothing worth getting shot at that age.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Nothing's that serious at that age.

[Sam Morril]

Well, this kid, David Cargill was driving back from the city and he was on the west side highway and they must have accidentally cut somebody off. And they pulled up and they fucking shot into the car. And he was in the passenger seat. They had the music blaring like, didn't even realize he was dead for right away.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Just like that kid.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he was like.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Was he a buddy?

[Sam Morril]

16. He was really good friends with my sister. Sister, yeah. And then. Yeah, I mean, there's a bunch, but it was dark. But it was also like, you know, some of the funniest people I ever met. And we just had. We just went out. We just like, went hard. A lot of drugs and drinking and.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What was your drug of choice?

[Sam Morril]

Mescaline. I don't know why that was big in our town, which is like a form of acid, but it's very colorful and you laugh.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know what mescaline is from? What's that Hunter S. Thompson book?

[Mark Normand]

Fear and Loathing.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the only reason I plays it.

[Sam Morril]

Was that on his menu that he took every day?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So what? Yeah, what is it? What does mescaline do?

[Sam Morril]

It's like a little tab. And like, I remember the first time I took it. There was this house around the corner from my house that was owned by, Remember Tiny Tim?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Tiptoe through the tulips.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, sure.

[Sam Morril]

And so he was like a real freaky dude and he built like a castle in Tarrytown.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

It was a fucking like a medieval looking castle. And this family moved in and they were. I don't know if it was like, they were like Scottish or something, but they had the weirdest fucking names. Like, they were. No, that's not the castle. Now, I don't know if it would be listed. It wasn't big, it was just shaped like a castle.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And they had these kids and their names were Hamish, Lachlan and Lala.

[Mark Normand]

Yikes.

[Sam Morril]

And so. And they were kind of like, wouldn't let us in their house. And all we wanted to go and was to go and. Fucking Tiny Tim's house.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, of course.

[Sam Morril]

So, like, finally, when we're like. I remember it was my 16th birthday because he finally let us into the house and I hadn't taken mescaline yet. I was waiting for my 16th birthday to take it. And so we show up at the house and he lets us in and we're like, oh, we're gonna fucking run around. And. And he takes us down to the basement, down the hallway, into this little fucking room with the TV. And we're just watching MTV. And I'm sitting there as like 15 kids, you know, we got beers, whatever. And I. And I'm mescaline, me and this girl Eileen. This guy, Tiny Tim.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, he's probably in his late 70s now.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No, no, this is happening.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no. He moved Out. Lachlan and Hamish moved into his house.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I got you.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. We wanted to go in it. And so the mescaline kicks in and now Lachlan and Lala are standing there and their dog walks in and I go, what's your dog's name? And he said Fred. And for some reason that was the funniest fucking thing I'd ever heard in my life. And we started laughing and we couldn't stop laughing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And he got madder and madder and madder and we all got thrown out of the house. We never got to see it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Damn.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That is crazy looking.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who lives there now?

[Sam Morril]

I think it's a condo now. What's up with split it up?

[Mark Normand]

Was it his kids?

[Sam Morril]

No, they just bought it.

[Mark Normand]

Who are these Lachlan, Lala.

[Sam Morril]

They were the McCollisters. They bought the house.

[Mark Normand]

Weird. Yeah, weird name. Was that very Irish?

[Sam Morril]

I think that's Scottish. Oh Scott, I think Lachlan's a. That was the guy from Succession was Lachlan.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who was Succession?

[Sam Morril]

The father.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Logan. Roy.

[Sam Morril]

Oh no. Who is Lachlan? One of the kids.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No. Roman.

[Mark Normand]

Who is. And Sonny. No. What was this? The older one. Caleb. Kate. Kyler.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Kendall.

[Mark Normand]

Kendall. That's it. I don't think there was Lachlan.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

There's a Lachlan Patterson, the comedian, right?

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah, He's a funny guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Funny guy.

[Sam Morril]

Good looking, funny guy.

[Mark Normand]

Handsome.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He's got joke where he said I'm in couples therapy because my girlfriend needs therapy and she won't go alone. That's a great job.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, that is great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He's a Venice beach guy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he looks like it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

He's got that other great one about our old people are going to be horrible because like my grandfather's like here's me on a B52 bomber. And then our old people are going to be like, here's me with brunch.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Lachlan Murdoch is Rupert Murdoch's son.

[Sam Morril]

There wasn't a reality.

[Mark Normand]

There you go. Close enough.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

So you worked for Ellen as well?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I did the first two years on that show and she was. And she was, she was rough. She was the C word. Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

She was not nice to you.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you know it's funny cause when it started, first of all I wanted to write for her because I really do think she's like one of the great comics of all. New Orleans girl.

[Mark Normand]

That's right. She never claims it's.

[Sam Morril]

But yeah, yeah, but she was a great comic.

[Mark Normand]

Her old stuff is Unreal. Yeah, I love. I had all her albums.

[Sam Morril]

So then, then the show comes out and I get approached by the head writer and I turns out I'm good friends with the showrunner. And so I write, I write a couple pages of jokes and I get hired. And then like the first. So we were there for like a month before the show launched, figuring out the segments and all that stuff. And it was like fun goofing pranks. We had a ping pong table and it was all good energy. And then, you know, and then the show was. Was good. And I knew things were gonna go wrong because then they asked me. I was a producer writer, and then they asked me to do the audience warmup.

[Mark Normand]

Nice.

[Sam Morril]

Because I'd been doing it during rehearsals and she, she looked at every warmup guy in LA and was like, no, no, no, no. And then she said, greg, you're gonna do it.

[Mark Normand]

Cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because she's a comic. And she was like, I want that energy to.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right?

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, I don't want to be like the warm up guy on a daytime talk show. And then they were like, well, it's like an extra four grand a week and it's like ten minutes a day. And I was like, yeah, I'll do that. Like on top of my salary. Like, I was getting that for 10 minutes of work. So I was like, all right, I'll do that. So like the first day I go out, I don't know how to do warmup, you know? Cause it's like they're not warming up this crowd. You're warming them down. Because they're like a bunch of closeted Midwestern housewives that love her. And you gotta be like, all right, take it easy. She's gonna be out here. Don't lose your shit. Don't charge the stage. And then, and then I go, all right, let's do the wave. I said, like, when I say banana, you guys just do the wave.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Someone in your ear, whisper the N word. They'll get them hot.

[Mark Normand]

That'll get them down.

[Sam Morril]

So I say banana. They do the wave. And like, we all laugh and I'm like, I'm such a fucking hack, I should kill myself. And so then she comes out to do the monologue, and what I had forgotten was that the word banana was in the monologue. And now she hasn't seen the warm up.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no.

[Sam Morril]

So she says, banana. The crowd does the wave.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no.

[Sam Morril]

And she stops. And she's a control freak. So this is like the worst thing that could ever happen. So she stops and she goes, all right, that's weird. And she backs up and she does it. She goes, all right, pause. Let's do it again. Whatever that was. Don't do that. And she says, banana again. And they do the wave again. And we stop down. She says, don't do it. They do it again. And then finally I just go up on stage and I explained to her what happened. And she was fucking seething.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Sam Morril]

And. And I thought, all right, I'm getting fired for that. But I didn't. But then it was just everything got weird and we started winning Emmys. Like, I won four Emmys on the show. But like, that made things bad. That made her start to be mean.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

Because she was back on top.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How was she mean to you? Like what? Give an example of like a day. Like, was it an energy thing? Was she just short with you? I mean, what was exactly.

[Sam Morril]

It was like if you didn't pitch in her wheelhouse, then she looked at you like you had just fucking stabbed her puppy. And then there was this process of pushing people out of the circle. And, you know, you want to be in the circle because there's a lot of fear going on.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And you're in or out. So there's a lot of like. It didn't really bother me that much because I'd written on a lot of shows before and I kind of knew what it was like to have tough bosses. I wrote for Bill Maher and so, like, I was just like, tough enough. But then there was these first time writers who. They used to cry. There was a lot of crying in the hallways.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Just feels like it's not a good energy for a workplace or a show. I feel like you're getting less out of people by treating them like that.

[Sam Morril]

I think so. Yeah. For sure. I think in the long run, I think in the short run you might get more, but in the long run, people get exhausted. You break them. They can't. And then you hit sweeps, which is like you're working 12, 14 hour days because it's like the ratings months and. And then nobody can. Nobody can give anything. Yeah. Just hit. You hit walls.

[Mark Normand]

Are you scared to talk about it? That she might hear this and come attack you?

[Sam Morril]

I think she's out of the country.

[Mark Normand]

But like online or anything, I don't really care.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Do you ever see her afterwards at all or.

[Mark Normand]

No?

[Sam Morril]

No. All I heard was my next job after Ellen was I went to the man show. She heard I was on the man show, and apparently she couldn't stop laughing. And then I hosted the porn awards, and they were in Vegas doing a show, and she saw my face up on a billboard for the porn awards, and she just thought it was so fucking funny. Because I, like, I don't think she.

[Mark Normand]

Really knew me, Right?

[Sam Morril]

And that's me, the man show and the porn awards is me.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How was the porn awards?

[Sam Morril]

It was great. Great. It was like 7,000 porn stars, they call them, which means, like, they took a shot to the face on film at some point, and so I guess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We'Re porn stars, too.

[Mark Normand]

Star is loose. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And so I go out and the producer said to me, all right, everyone's doing coke. Everyone's a narcissist. He goes, there's gonna be 7,000 people. It's on Showtime. He's like, you're gonna have 15 seconds to get them, and if you don't get them, they are gonna start talking to each other, and you will be completely shut out.

[Mark Normand]

That's good that he told you that. I. Like, when they prep you, like, these are retard. Yeah. Throw shit at them.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. So I. So I. I worked on a porn set for, like, I had, like, two months, and I was just out doing. I don't know why it meant more to me than, like, the Academy Awards, but, like, I knew that, like, Bill Hicks did it. Like, everybody had done it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Robert Schimmel.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Schimmel did it.

[Mark Normand]

Matt Rife.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Did he?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, no shit. And, boy, did he clean up. You know what I mean? Oh.

[Sam Morril]

And so my opening joke was, I go, it's great to be. I go, you can tell the porn awards are going on. I just saw Ron Jeremy at a gas station, and I knew it was him because halfway through filling his tank, he pulled it out and sprayed it all over the car.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great joke.

[Sam Morril]

And he fucking went crazy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

That's killer.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Sam Morril]

And then there was all these Christians that were protesting, and then he sprayed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It on a woman who didn't want it. That's the follow up to that. Five Years later. Damn. That's a great opener, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Great.

[Sam Morril]

So it was. It was good.

[Mark Normand]

And then with the Christian group, did they. They go after you?

[Sam Morril]

No, I. I went after them. I just. I started making jokes about, you know, there's no altar boys here, so. And. But. But it didn't matter what the jokes were. Just the fact that, like, that was where they were at. You know, they. Because they consider themselves first amendment, you know, pioneers. Like, that's how they kind of couch the award show.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What's his name? Playboy. Why am I?

[Sam Morril]

Hugh Hefner.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

He did a lot for civil rights.

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I mean, there's a lot of gray in that guy's legacy. I mean, he did some bad stuff, obviously. He's. I mean, he did a lot for civil rights and. And women's rights. Roe v. Wade, that was. You know him as well.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know, Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of Dick Gregory when no one else would have him.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Dick Gregory?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, no shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And then. And so then my friends, of course, all came. My friends who never come to my shows are like, oh, yeah, we're all coming. And so I rented a house for all my friends, and my agents actually came out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And the one gig your agents want.

[Sam Morril]

To show up for. And so they had centerpieces, which normally at an event you'd have, like, flowers, you know, at the end of the night, everybody takes the flowers. But the centerpiece was dildos and manginas. Is that what they call them? Manginas?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

They had a WNBA game afterwards, they had to go to.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And so my friends all took the fake vaginas and we went out to strip clubs. And then we go back to the hotel. And then the next morning we meet in the lobby to go home. And, like, you laugh, you know, you got the vagina. We're making fun. We're talking like it's a puppet and showing the strippers, and it's a big joke. And then the next day, we're in the lobby of the hotel and I'm like, did you it? And they were all like, yeah, you're gonna it. So. So I. My mangina.

[Mark Normand]

And then it's like a fleshlight or a pocket.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Fleshlight.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right. I think that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you got the word man in there. It's freaking me out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I think I got the wrong name.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't think I've ever heard it called a mangina. But we knew what it was.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's a fleshlight.

[Mark Normand]

Ed Koch was a mangina.

[Sam Morril]

You like me?

[Mark Normand]

He was slippery.

[Sam Morril]

And so. So I fuck mine. And then I'm like, all right, what do I do now? Like, I can't. I'm not. I had one bag is gonna go through tsa. I didn't want to throw it in the trash can, cuz that's fucked up for the maid. So I just took it and I put it in the pocket of the bathrobe in the closet.

[Mark Normand]

That's great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

How Is that better than the garbage?

[Mark Normand]

Because some guy's gonna pick that up in 10 years, but you gotta be.

[Sam Morril]

A douchebag to put on a fucking bathrobe in a hotel room. Have you ever done that?

[Mark Normand]

I like it. You're like, I'm not gonna ruin the mage life, but I'll ruin this guy's life. Who puts the rope on in a year?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I don't know if I ever have.

[Mark Normand]

I've never. I look at it, I go, how about that? Then I. I know. I still.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm sure I have. I'm sure I must have. Maybe like. Maybe like a buffalo winter or something. And I'm like, I'm cold.

[Mark Normand]

Well, what am I, a writer with a typewriter? I gotta put my bathrobe on. It's just weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Who am I, Dalton Trumbo?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Trombo, the commie writer. Yeah. Wow.

[Sam Morril]

What is it to walk from the bathroom to your bed?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Exactly. No, but maybe if it's like super cold in the room for some reason you're shaving and stuff. I throw it on sometimes. I think maybe once or twice. But yeah, it is douchey. I'm not gonna lie.

[Mark Normand]

I've never put it on in my life.

[Sam Morril]

I'm Tony Soprano at home, though. I wake up, bathroom goes on. I keep it on for like a good hour.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I do like a robe.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

The robe is slippery, though, because then you start leaving the house with it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It gets to. It's too risky, right? I know. It's like a gateway to. To, like slippers.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You don't get a lot done in a row.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This actually slipped us right into peeves. Do you have any peeves? You worked on the Rat was my peeve. That was a big one. That was a big one.

[Mark Normand]

Have I done this one before? This drives me fucking nuts. Speaking of hotels, the tuck in to the bed. I can't move my feet. What are you doing to me, you Filipino lady? I'm just trying to go to bed.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I get a cramp under there. I look like I'm in a straight jacket.

[Mark Normand]

I know that. You're kicking like there's no tomorrow, like you're trying to break out of a coffin.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I. I think of the Seinfeld episode ever. One.

[Mark Normand]

Me too. One.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

No time.

[Mark Normand]

Me too.

[Sam Morril]

No. And. And your toes have to point like you're a diver. What am I trying to get a 10.

[Mark Normand]

And they put it so far under that went. What the hell are you pulling up?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm pulling up his peeves.

[Mark Normand]

But.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But they're too small.

[Mark Normand]

Oh. When I yank it out of there, it pulls out the whole bedding. So now I got, like, a piss mat under there. It's a mess.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's an awful tradition that, along with the pillows in hotels. You found the. Give me. You get eight shitty pillows. Just give me one good one.

[Mark Normand]

One good pillow. They're so flimsy and.

[Sam Morril]

No, but the good hotels. The thing they're doing now is the back ones that are against the headboard are firm and hard, and the front ones are, like, feathery and squishy.

[Mark Normand]

I don't like the squish. No, your neck. Your head goes right through it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So then you got to ball it up 38 times. But maybe the back pillow is good.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You get older, you appreciate a firm mattress. I remember when I was a kid. Oh, you're like, oh, my God. Soft is so cool, but so you could jump, you know?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you get older, the firm is where it's at.

[Sam Morril]

I bought a memory foam mattress, and then the other day, my wife hit on me, and I was like. I told her I wasn't in the mood. And then the memory foam said out loud, I remember him jerking off two hours. And I said. I said, I need some forgetful.

[Mark Normand]

Speaking of that, we got to bring up your huge hog bad.

[Sam Morril]

We have to.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, how?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I remember on a tough crowd episode. Do you know what I'm talking about? When Lori Kilmartin goes, you know, I heard he's packing heat. Because I've heard from a bunch of female comics. And you. What was your line? Oh, if they know that, guess what else they're doing something like that. Like, clearly, you banged a lot of female comics, was the joke.

[Mark Normand]

And it crushed.

[Sam Morril]

I was like, well, we were back to, like, Colin was obsessed. And so one time we were in the green room, and, you know, all the comics were hanging out in the green room. And he goes, all right, let's see it. And I didn't even hesitate. I pulled my pants down. I whip it out. That's how you know it's big. You whip it.

[Mark Normand]

You whip it.

[Sam Morril]

I whip it out. And. And everybody. There was a black woman, and she went, oh. And Colin goes, that's how you know it's big.

[Mark Normand]

Even soft. I mean, soft up nothing.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Hard. I'm okay, but soft isn't.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm a grower. And as you get older, the growing is not as good as it used to be. You lose some hops.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Yes, exactly.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's like Vince Carter trying To dunk in his 40s, right. Like, I'm not getting the elevation I once did.

[Mark Normand]

And the dick is so schizophrenic that some days I'm like, my soft is pretty good. Horrible. So.

[Sam Morril]

But I think when you get really old, then I think it gets huge when it's soft because it's just hang. Like I used to go to the Friars Club and they had the best steam room in the city.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I remember that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it was a killer steam room. But all the old guys, like, they did not wear a stitch of clothing. They walked from shower to hot tub. They had a shower. You would go into the steam room and it would literally be like fucking, like Alan King would be sitting there and, you know, Freddie Roman and all these guys. And then you go into the shower, which were like giant marble sided shower with the big, like the manhole cover shower head. And it came out so fucking hard. It was like being in a civil rights riot. You were just like getting blabbed as German shepherds and so. And then you come out. I'm not making this up. There was a, A Polish guy that worked there and you came out naked and he would have a warm towel and he would towel you down, he would dry you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

This was after I was there for sure. I had a six month free membership there because I did one of their shitty, like side roasts back in the day. And I don't remember that guy, but I remember being like, this is pretty cool.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I think it's closed, right?

[Sam Morril]

It closed down. It's so sad. My dad was a big man. He was on the board. He was the scribe, which was the guy that wrote the monthly message in the newsletter. But he was like the token Irish guy because Friday school was all Jews. It was like, you know, lawyers and agents and then a lot of guys from the garment district and jewelers. It was very Jewish.

[Mark Normand]

Did your dad have a big penis?

[Sam Morril]

Did my dad. I never saw my dad's penis. No, I never saw it.

[Mark Normand]

He never saw his dad.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But I saw his dick once.

[Sam Morril]

It was weird.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It was. I don't know how that worked out.

[Mark Normand]

It was just through a hole. Yeah, but see, the big hog on you is it gives you hope. Cause you're not a huge guy. So I'm 50 Irish. I mean, if we were profile Irish.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

An Irish guy with a big dick is like a black guy with a little dick.

[Sam Morril]

I know my brother does. I never saw it, but like, I talk to women who've slept with my brother and he says he has a very large penis also.

[Mark Normand]

That's nice.

[Sam Morril]

I got a son, and I'm dying to ask him.

[Mark Normand]

Why did it be weird, the diaper, though? I guess it got bigger than you.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can'T tell when that. What baby are you like, man? That's a huge cock.

[Mark Normand]

Pull up some baby dicks.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

All right?

[Mark Normand]

We gotta compare and contrast.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

The feds kick a door like we're on a watch list.

[Mark Normand]

That's the problem with baby dicks. You don't know how to compare it.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, but.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Should we do some peas?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I got some peas.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

These are yours.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, this one. I hate when you go to a store, like a chain corporate bullshit store, and they try to hit you up for, like, a dollar. Do you want to add a dollar.

[Mark Normand]

To your thing for some charity?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's always a charity. But, like, they get the win because then they go to, like, the telethon with the big cardboard check, and they donate $20 million, but it's like, no, those are 20 million of our dollars.

[Mark Normand]

Good point.

[Sam Morril]

That you didn't do anything.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And it's the public shaming. They're doing it to get you. They're putting you on the spot.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's not a subtle request.

[Sam Morril]

Right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Like, the person they're asking could be very philanthropic, but they're asking you. They're doing, would you like to donate? So people behind you like, nah, I'm good.

[Mark Normand]

It's up there with the. The Flip the screen around for the tip. They're watching you. You have to tip in front of the phone.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'll tip the. I'll tip the barista if they make it, you know, but, like.

[Mark Normand]

But. But yeah, you brought me. You handed me a matcha.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You order matcha?

[Mark Normand]

No, I don't know how to get a matcha. But I. I just wanted to sound cool.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Mix it up for the punch.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. You mix it up. But, yeah, I don't know, the flipping, the. Like, I was in Australia. They don't tip. It's. It's glorious. I'm walking around doing cartwheels without tipping.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But then if you do tip, they're like, who the fuck is this guy?

[Mark Normand]

I know the rest of the restaurant hates you because they're like, what are you doing, asshole?

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fucking up the curve.

[Mark Normand]

But that's a good one. I hate the donate.

[Sam Morril]

But also, it's like, at Walgreens one time, they said, do you want to donate a dollar for childhood diabetes? I'm like, yeah, I'll do that. If you take down the rows of candy at eye level for children.

[Mark Normand]

That's good, right? That's good.

[Sam Morril]

They cause it, and then they gouge you on the drugs that cure it.

[Mark Normand]

Genius. It's like the. The food. You know, our food is filled with dyes and all this shit. And then they get us on the pharmacy later.

[Sam Morril]

Yes. Yeah, I don't want, like, Walgreens. Like, they put all the. Like. I like New York. There's all those little, like, Apothecary's, those little drugstores. They're the best. There's the one up at what's. What's the really cool building up on the Upper west side that it's like. It's got a courtyard in the middle.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Of it where Schumer used to live.

[Sam Morril]

The Apthor?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yep.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's a great building.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I lived there for three months. She filmed the movie. She was like, I was moving. She's like, you want to stay here? I was like, yes.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah, dude.

[Sam Morril]

That's my favorite building.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

It's cool. It looks like the building on Only Murders in a Building.

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But it's not.

[Mark Normand]

It's another one.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, that one's on set. Park West.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. That's a nice one, though.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Pull up the Bigelow. There's that one on 7th Avenue, that Bigelow one, I think. Yeah, it's. It's old as. And it's still there. And it's got the ladder on the wall, you know, that, like, slides to the shelves.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

[Mark Normand]

I think it's Bigelow.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I think that's it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that's it. Oh, that place is great.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, is that the one on 6th Avenue?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, 6th Avenue. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

New Yorkers are gonna love this podcast.

[Mark Normand]

That's right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Well, dude, it's like, I always think of that. There was that Mad Men plot, remember, where he's hooking up with the woman with the pharmacy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jewish lady.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, she was hot. All right, wait. All right, sorry. Let's. Let's see some more of these peeves. Sorry. I just got distracted with the big guy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We got sidetracked.

[Mark Normand]

That was my fault. There we go.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. Here's the other one. I hate is, like, judging people for being nice. Like, that's the first thing, like, when someone describes a comic as, like, oh, yeah, he's a nice guy. I go, who gives a fuck? Like, I literally like, if David would.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Have been a good segue for Ellen right here.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Because she is funny.

[Sam Morril]

Like. Cause. And she has raised a lot of money for people, you know, over the years. She's done a lot of, you know. But, like, you think of Dave Attell. Like, Dave Attell, if you know him, is, like, one of the nicest if you work at a comedy club.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But you would never describe him as nice. Well, if you describe him as funny.

[Sam Morril]

But if you had a choice between Dave being funny or nice, I don't give a fuck. Again, in Boston, all the comics were. They were kind of assholes when you were coming up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, your generation was tough. They were way tougher than ours. I mean, you talked about Patrice. I mean, I can't imagine what working for Patrice was like.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, it was tough, you know? Or walking into the Comedy Cellar when he was sitting at that table in the corner, and he literally, like, you'd see his eyes scan you, like, from top to bottom, and then he'd just start taking you apart, and you're like a new comic, you know? Yeah, but, you know, but, like, you know, going back, like Richard Belzer and guys like that, if you talk to them, they were like, why are you talking to me? You know? And I didn't give a shit because he. I would watch him. He was unbelievable. He was, like, the greatest.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Did he warm up to you later in life or.

[Sam Morril]

No, I didn't know him later in.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Life, but he was a dick.

[Sam Morril]

But those guys do, you know, but you got to kind of earn it.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, but I'm okay with that. Like, I mean, we've talked about people before, and I don't want to name names, but, like. Like, they're legends, and they were kind of dicks to us in the early stages or kind of flippant and. Yeah, but we were like, okay, well, earn. Like, we were cool with it. We were like, this is part of the. This is part of the ride.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Felt like a baseball team, and you had to earn. You were the new guy on the team, and you had to, like, show him, hey, I could hit or do something. Because they were. I remember I got in the cellar, and Godfrey looked at me, goes, you're in, man. Don't let anybody in the kit. I was like, oh, fuck.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And he did it in a Cosby voice.

[Mark Normand]

It was brutal.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

But.

[Sam Morril]

But it's also, like, I think about how insecure we are as human beings that, like, say, I liked you. I like your stand up. You're a cool guy. We have similar friends. And then I find out you don't like me, then I'll be like, Guy's a fucking asshole. Like, he's the same guy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah. But that's all. Look, we all have our vanity. We all have our insecurities. You know, you want people you like to like you. That's. That's simple.

[Sam Morril]

It's protective instinct.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right. Yeah. Same with audiences. You go, that audience sucked, and then they see you later like, you were great.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like, maybe they weren't so bad.

[Sam Morril]

Right, right.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Or you're watching a comic, you don't like murder, and you're like, ugh, this fucking crowd. And then you do well, and you're like, they're fine.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Sometimes I can't do well. If I go on after a comic I really dislike, then they, like, punish them. Sometimes I. I don't know if I'm punishing them or I just don't feel like they deserve.

[Mark Normand]

I know what you mean.

[Sam Morril]

You know, you're like.

[Mark Normand]

You like that? Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

You like that. Check out this dick.

[Mark Normand]

Soft.

[Sam Morril]

I got it. I really appreciate you guys bringing up the dick. I mean, forget my special.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

We have to make up for the N word talk. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, right, Right.

[Sam Morril]

Between the N word talk and Ellen, this is definitely gonna help my career.

[Mark Normand]

Out a lot today.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Jesus.

[Mark Normand]

Well, the dick's on your lapel right there, but yes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Holy.

[Mark Normand]

It's. It's lore. It's the first thing I think of when I see you.

[Sam Morril]

Jesus. That's my picture on my website.

[Mark Normand]

I know. You look like a Batman villain. What the hell is that? The sixties? Awful. I gotta.

[Sam Morril]

I gotta go onto your guys website. What's it called?

[Mark Normand]

Punch Up.

[Sam Morril]

I gotta get on. Punch Up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Punch Up.live is where you want to go. Yeah, you got the Comedy Store coming up in La Jolla. You got Comedy World Denver, September 18th through 20th, the 26th and 27th. Comics, Mohegan, Sun. Then October 13th through 19th, Brad Garrett's MGM in Vegas. Nice. Oh, the den in Chicago, November 8th.

[Sam Morril]

Didn't you shoot a special there?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I loved it. Yeah, I took the special there. I loved it. Skankfest. November 14th through 16th, you're at the punchline in SF. One of the classic rooms, December 11th through 13th, and hilarity's January 8th through 10th. Oh, these are like my favorite rooms. You're doing. Oh, the Mothership in January. Go to Greg FitzSimmons. Is it GregFootSimmons.com?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Or just FitzDog.com. get some tickets. And the podcast is Fitz Dog Radio.

[Mark Normand]

Great, Pug.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've done It a few times. I love it.

[Sam Morril]

I remember I asked Mark to do it one time, and then I got to New York. We're gonna do in New York. And I just had my equipment with me. And then I took the train up to my sister's in Westchester, and I left my bag with my equipment on the train, and so I called him up. The next day. We were supposed to tape it down at the Comedy Cellar, and I was like, hey, man, I'm really sorry, but I. I lost my equipment. And he. You believed that I was, like, flaking on you.

[Mark Normand]

I thought it was a ruse. I thought you just didn't want to record. I was like, this fucker made up a whole thing. But he lost his equipment. Dog ate my homework. Bullshit.

[Sam Morril]

Meanwhile, I asked him in the first place.

[Mark Normand]

Well, that's where my brain goes.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah, I would probably go the same place.

[Sam Morril]

That's when he was still working his way up.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

What do we got? Oh, yeah, I'm at Irvine. Is this come out that night? So, yeah, fuck that. I'm at Oklahoma City this weekend at Bricktown. August 28th through 30th. That's a fun club. I'm in Vegas. The Venetian, September 19th. The comedy club in Rochester the 25th through 27th. That's a fun club dot Comedy. The Carlson Chicago Theater. October 4th. Can't wait. Winnipeg. Then I'm all over. We got a little Saudi Arabia action. I'm missing you by a day, Mark.

[Mark Normand]

I'm just going there. What an idiot.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Barcelona, Milan, Dublin, Liverpool, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Berlin. Then I come back to Salt Lake City and end of November, and then Reno, November 29th, and we cap it all off. December 4th. Carnegie hall, baby. Let's do it. I had this great idea for, like, a jazz trio opening, and my agent goes, that's a $20,000 union fee. And I was like, fuck.

[Mark Normand]

Hey.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I just wanted some fucking fairy dust for my big day here.

[Sam Morril]

Dude, you want to show some slides or something like that? We did that. I did a benefit at Town hall one time. We wanted to just show, like, a short video because it was a benefit, and, yeah, it was like, 20 grand. We were like, fuck.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Fucking brutal. Yeah, well, it's Punchup Live. Samorrell or Punchup Live. MarkNorman. Mark, we got. Looks like we got Dallas. A million shows in Dallas.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we got nine shows in Dallas. It just kept adding. But I'm doing a special in September, so I want to run that hour. Akron, Dayton. Hey, we'll see you there. California, Halifax, Ottawa, Huntsville, Hattiesburg, San Jose, Boulder. And I'll be in Saudi Arabia as well. And Athens. Who knew? Oslo, Helsinki, Stockholm, Dublin 2. Valley Center. I assume that's a casino. Timonium. Baltimore. Out there at the Magoobies. Gonna really get my ass kicked. Lincoln Theater, Rochester, D.C. san Diego. Niagara Falls. So yeah, come on out.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Where are you shooting the special?

[Mark Normand]

Boulder?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Oh, hell yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we sold a couple of them. So we're like fuck it, let's just do it there and if we don't get it, we'll shoot it in dc.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I'm pumped for you, dude. It's gonna be great.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, thanks. It's a fun hours. It's ready to be put down.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You guys have the same agent?

[Mark Normand]

No, but he texts me quite a bit.

[Sam Morril]

So just ran it just randomly. You both go to Saudi Arabia.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

A lot of comics are going. It's a big festival.

[Mark Normand]

It's no women.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Ness. Kirsten's going.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, she is? Oh, all right.

[Sam Morril]

Great.

[Mark Normand]

They got one.

[Sam Morril]

She can't do any facial jokes because she'll have that wrap around her head.

[Mark Normand]

One of the rules is you can't. I can't kiss my wife in public.

[Sam Morril]

Really?

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Are you bringing her?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'm going to bring her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah. Just to show her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Can I kiss your wife in public?

[Mark Normand]

I want to be like you. See, you think I'm an. Well, they'll cut your off. We'll see you in hell, everybody. Thanks a lot. Go check out Greg's special Fitz dog comedy.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Sunday's the day for my next bender.

[Mark Normand]

A bit of Peck. You know the beard juice clown.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking shit about the fucking Pope.

[Mark Normand]

And I get down in the same.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

Way up on the roof like a cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans.

[Mark Normand]

This woman doesn't look like I remember her.

[Greg Fitzsimmons]

And I can't get down in the same way. We might be true.