Ep 257: Fiona Cauley

Summary

---

We Might Be Drunk Ep 257: Fiona Cauley

Released: November 3, 2025
Hosts: Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Guest: Fiona Cauley

---

Overview

This episode of We Might Be Drunk features comedian Fiona Cauley, known for her dark humor and candid discussions of living with Friedrich's ataxia, a rare genetic neurological disease. Mark and Sam catch up on their gigs, debate the relative merits of various party towns, and then dive deep with Fiona about her experiences as a comic with a disability, the comedy grind, and newfound visibility through Kill Tony and viral moments. Expect classic WMBD energy: booze, bits, brutal honesty, and plenty of laughs.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catch-Up: Life on the Road, Vegas, and Comedy Shows

• Mark discusses taking his baby swimming and the quintessential New York YMCA experience.
• Sam recounts being sick after a Vegas trip, noting the oddities and excesses of Vegas ("the condoms are locked up and the meds are not" - B, [01:51]).
• Discussion of the weird vibe in Vegas casinos, the combination of wild tourists, local regulars, and an atmosphere frozen in time.
• Reflections on how party towns like Vegas and New Orleans differ in depth and culture.

2. Opening for Fiona: The Comedy Circuit

• Mark and Sam swap tales about difficult gigs in the South, including tough crowds and family in attendance.
• Both share stories about parents and therapists observing their comedy ("Therapist behind the mom at your show is like, that's a session in itself" - A, [08:43]).
• Anecdotes about being heckled, ejecting unruly audience members, and the peculiarities of drunk comedy fans.

3. Drinking Culture & Comic’s Takes on Booze

• Extended riff on "shots guy" at shows (B, [12:16]), the perils of over-indulgence, and generational shifts in socializing.
• Discussion of the Charlie Sheen documentary and how wild stories are only believable when there’s footage ("...they have the footage... you beat Michael Jordan with Martin Sheen" - B, [13:24]).

4. Fiona Cauley Joins ([31:20])

Background and Arrival

• Mark and Sam reminisce with Fiona about meeting at “Don’t Tell” shows in Tennessee, emphasizing how comedy scenes differ regionally.

Disability, Comedy, and Life

• Fiona openly shares living with Friedrich’s ataxia, how it affects her mobility (using hand controls to drive, "it's a lot like driving a boat" - C, [35:44]), and the small but real challenges these create on tour.
• Quick-witted about handicapped parking and accessible stalls: “...If the rest are open and you choose [the handicap stall], I'm gonna sit out there and wait for you.” (C, [37:25])
• Mark confesses to youthful misuse of a handicap pass, sparking laughs but also real talk about accessibility.

Family, Diagnosis & Parental Relationships

• Fiona reveals being gaslit as a teenager by family about her medical reality, handling much of her diagnosis alone ([39:05]).
• A candid discussion on absent fathers in comedy and life, and the dynamics of being the sibling/child who “needs” vs. “lets go” of parental validation.

Romantic Life & On-the-Road Realities

• Navigating touring as a disabled comic: Fiona explains the necessity of bringing someone to assist, the logistical and financial strain this causes, and her gratitude for living in a city with direct flights ([46:21]).
• Relationship logistics with her fiancé, Matt—both comics, often touring separately: “I love missing him.” (C, [53:44])
• Confirming audience curiosity: disability does not mean no intimacy (“You guys are plowing? Yes, sir.” - A & C, [52:22]).

Genetic & Medical Advocacy

• Serendipitous encounter with a gene therapy exec at a Boston show, leading to hope for advancements in treating Friedrich’s ataxia ([48:13]).
• Education segment on gene therapy’s promise, and a plug for the FARA charity ([65:53]).

Comedy Success, TEDx Talk, & Community

• The whirlwind of newfound fame via Kill Tony; the pressure to represent the disabled community (“...getting like, 20 to 30 messages a day from disabled people..." - C, [55:13]).
• Experiences with audience pity, and fighting for the right to have “dark” jokes ("That actually is a hate crime." - C, [45:17]).
• Reflection on the awkwardness of TEDx: "Had a panic attack... started, like, accidentally doing jokes." (C, [56:06])

5. Comedy Craft & The Scene

• Sam and Mark praise Fiona’s craftsmanship—premises, punchlines, and riffing.
• Discussion on the pressure of high-profile and “viral” sets versus anonymous grind work.
• Peeves segment: String cheese packaging, fist-bump/handshake etiquette, and able-bodied people being addressed instead of her at hotels ("...If a disabled person is talking to you, look at them." - C, [89:40])

6. Family Tall Tales

• Fiona goes in on her “legendary” dad: five marriages (three women), a wrist of failed-relationship tattoos, and white-trash soap opera saga ([93:12]–[95:48]).
• Mark and Sam fawn over her supportive, athletic mom (“She turned 60 in a couple days, isn’t that crazy?” - C, [101:33]).

---

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Vegas excess:
  "You get the fattest people in the world and the hottest people in one place. I never thought about that." – Mark, [01:46]

• On navigating disability:
  "I'm not paralyzed... if I can't see [my feet], I don't know where they are." – Fiona, [35:52]

• On family reaction to her material:
  "He goes, they didn't laugh once. And then I did a Charlie Kirk joke. My dad, all he said was, ‘Oh, boy.’ Only reaction I got..." – Mark, [08:12]

• On inclusion in comedy:
  "Does anyone ever push back on you because you have pretty dark jokes?" – Mark
  "Oh, yeah... but it’s because they feel sad for me. That’s the worst." – Fiona ([45:07])

• On accessibility hardships:
  "I booked an accessible room for mobility... they're like, 'Yeah, it's hearing accessible.'...My legs are deaf, you know they're not." – Fiona, [51:13]

• On self-advocacy:
  "If a disabled person is talking to you, look at them." – Fiona, [89:40]

• On family drama and resilience:
  "My dad has been married five times to three women... He gets their wedding date tattooed on his wrist... then a black heart over it for dead love..." – Fiona, [93:12–95:48]

• On representation:
  "That's been the craziest part...I’m getting like, you know, 20, 30 messages a day from disabled people, from people that have family members like me..." – Fiona, [55:13]

---

Important Timestamps

• [00:06 – 07:01]: Opening banter, Vegas and road stories
• [31:20]: Fiona Cauley joins, background and meet-cute stories
• [35:44]: Discussion of hand controls and driving with disability
• [39:05]: Parental gaslighting, diagnosis story
• [46:21]: The financial and logistical reality of touring with a disability
• [48:13]: Meeting a gene therapy exec and advocacy revelation
• [52:22]: Discussing intimacy and relationship details
• [55:13]: Messages from disabled fans/audience
• [65:53]: Details on Friedrich’s ataxia, plug for FARA charity
• [70:41]: “Peeves” segment (string cheese, fist-bump awkwardness, etc.)
• [93:12–95:48]: Fiona's father: marriages, tattoos, wild personal tales
• [103:31]: Upcoming tour schedule for Fiona

---

Recommendations & Plugs

• Fiona Cauley Tour: Dania Beach, Louisville, Fort Wayne, Appleton, Chandler, and more—see her live for sharp material and unexpected inspiration.
• Charity: Donate to FARA (Friedrich’s Ataxia Research Alliance): https://www.curefa.org/
• Fiona's Podcast: Ramp It Up – launching soon.
• Fiona’s Upcoming TEDx Talk: On comedy, disability, and visibility (look for release online).
• Hosts' Plugs:
  • Mark: Lincoln Theater (DC), Niagara Falls, San Diego, and more
  • Sam: Salt Lake City Wiseguys, Reno Atlantis Casino, Carnegie Hall

---

Tone & Style

True to We Might Be Drunk tradition, this episode balances raunchy riffs, insider comedy bits, and raw conversation. There’s an undercurrent of mutual respect and admiration for Fiona’s quick wit, unflinching honesty, and joke-first sensibility, making for an episode as funny as it is moving.

---

“That’s actually a hate crime.” – Fiona Cauley on audience pity ([45:17])

Transcript

[A]

Hey, hey. We're here. We're back. We might be drunk.

[B]

Yo, what's up, dude?

[A]

Oh, boy. Long day. But, hey, we're here. We're queer.

[B]

What do you have?

[A]

Had a pot earlier. The baby. I'm teaching him how to swim. Really? So I got to get up early and get him to the Y. He's loving it.

[B]

You're not gonna be able to Casey Anthem now. Whatever.

[A]

Try to Whitney Houston him. Yeah, but no dice.

[B]

That's you taking the baby to the Y. That's so New York. I love that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Just me and a couple Indian ladies just flashing away, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Shit.

[B]

I. We rescheduled this because I was sick as fuck. I wasn't even like, you were sick in Vegas?

[A]

No, I get sick after Vegas.

[B]

It sucks to be sick in Vegas because I'm at the Venetian. You're like, it's not. It's just every step is a reminder that everyone is, like, having fun except you.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I'm trying to, like, be ready for the show. It's still. To the show, obviously, but I'm walking around. I'm like, well, I'm like, maybe at the food court. There's, like, a ramen place. I mean, like, blast this out of me.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

But then you're like. You're looking around. You're like, where the fuck am I? Because these casinos are designed to make you lost.

[A]

That's true. No windows, no clocks, nothing.

[B]

So, like, you're so fucked up, and you're like, I don't have my senses from the, you know, cold. Quite as high. And. And then you're like, I could play some blackjack.

[A]

Nah.

[B]

You're like, fuck, I'm sick of the table.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Fucking me another hand.

[A]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

But it's like. It's also like. It's crazy. Everyone in Vegas, they don't live there, but, like, everyone. Vegas is kind of a little heavy.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Unless they're the, you know, the hot people.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But, like, the locals kind of heavy. But a lot of walking in those hotels.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

You feel it when you. When your legs are dragging you down from a little cold action.

[A]

That's true. Yeah. You get the fattest people in the world and the hottest people in one place. I never thought about that.

[B]

I'll tell you another thing I noticed in the Walgreens. The. The condoms are locked up and the meds are not. That says everything about Vegas.

[A]

Yes. Well, I mean, it's like, hey, I couldn't wear a condom. They're locked up. Yeah, but I can take my Valium.

[B]

Fucking crazy.

[A]

Yeah, but Vegas, it's not for me. I get it. It's cool.

[B]

Yeah, it's fun. The thing is, I love it for like, two nights a year.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

That's. That's why it sucked to be sick for my trip this year.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Because I. For two nights, you're like, yeah, it's fun. This is great.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I mean, the hangover. Nail it, swingers. Nailed it. But yes, it. I guess. I think growing up in New Orleans like those party towns, I'm like, ah, get me out of here.

[B]

But New Orleans is a party town with more culture.

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

There's some cool culture in Vegas. Like, in the history. But not like the cult, like the history, not culture.

[A]

The Rat Pack.

[B]

Oh. Like the Bugsy Siegel shit. The Flamingo, like, still there. Like, that shit's cool to me. Like the old timey. Like him just owing everybody money. Him, like, selling off like, four. He's like, you own 400% of the flamingo to some gangster.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They fucking whacked him.

[A]

My dad always says, Vegas, when the mob ran, it was better.

[B]

They all say, sure. Not good for, you know, fuck up.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Counting cards. You don't. You're like, yeah. That was the Jewish mob, too.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Well, yeah. Bugsy, Ben Siegel.

[A]

Oh, Jew.

[B]

Meyer Lansky, Jew.

[A]

Ah.

[B]

They were boys. They grew up together in. In New York.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then Meyer Lansky, like, he didn't want to get killed, but it's like at a certain point when the whole fucking. When everyone's like, this guy's a liability, they kill him.

[A]

Yeah. You get a mo, green, shoot him in the eye.

[B]

Oh, green. That's a good death.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

It's all Pacino's eyes just staring at him.

[A]

I know, I know. Great shot. Yeah.

[B]

I got the iv, the whole shebang.

[A]

Whoa. So did you link up with Noah and.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Did you have a lunch or a set?

[B]

I was in my room just trying to sleep it off. But no, we hung before and after the show.

[A]

That's one thing about Vegas. You do the casino, they treat you good. That room is insane.

[B]

Insane. There was an elliptical in my room.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

This must have been the shit in, like, 1989. Some fucking Dean Martin on the fucking thing with a cigarette in his mouth.

[A]

Yeah, Vegas is great, but it's always a little dated, you know? You're like, huh? Big screen TV that's sitting on the floor.

[B]

It's like those TVs that, like, enter out of the fucking table. And you're like, damn. This was like Architectural Digest 91.

[A]

I know. And good luck finding a USB Vegas hotel.

[B]

That's a problem. They have all USBs. And I'm like, no one has this charger anymore.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's always a little one behind. One behind. Yeah.

[B]

But, you know, it is great. And it's like that. You know, you're walking around, you're like, money. You're like, oh, yeah. Money is nothing to people here.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

It's such a. I hear tourism is down there. Yeah, but it is one of those things. You walk around, you're like, oh, yeah. It's like $8 for a fucking. I get, like, a liquid IV pack. And, like, $8. I'm like, yeah, that makes sense.

[A]

I know.

[B]

You're like, sure, why not?

[A]

You're basically living in an airport. Everything is, like, three times the price.

[B]

Not only that, but the Walgreens is basically a liquor store. It's supposed to be, like a pharmacy. It's supposed to, like, have stuff for, like, health. But it's literally all just like, oh, like Seagram's fucking Jack.

[A]

That's Jim Beam. Well, I did Parks Casino in Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. Not bragging.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And the guy goes, hey, if you guys want to go to dinner after, let me know. I got you. So I was like, great. So me and my opener went to dinner. I get the bill. It's like 500 bucks. I was like, what the hell? I thought he's. I thought you said he's like, I made a reservation for you. Gotcha. He got me. But in Vegas, actually did have a credit, so that was nice.

[B]

The credit's nice. Although you're also like. You never know how much I know. I wonder if it's heard in Vegas that casinos are just everywhere now.

[A]

Oh, of course.

[B]

It used to be kind of special. We'll go to Vegas.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Still the bright lights. The Strip is still kind of cool. And then you're like, reno's like the fucking, you know. Messed up cousin.

[A]

Sure. I would say casinos everywhere. And your phone, you got gambling in your pocket.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

So Sportsbook used to be like, oh, my God, I could bet on the ponies. I got a UFC fight. I got a football game. And now it's like, all DraftKings.

[B]

Used to have a guy.

[A]

You have a guy.

[B]

I'm going to call my guy.

[A]

Yes. And he would break your leg.

[B]

That was Sopranos with Bistics. You have the sports book?

[A]

Yeah. Right.

[B]

Now it's like, yeah, I literally. That's how I bet.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

On my phone, everything.

[A]

It's like Netflix. It all came to our house. Everything. UberEats. It's all at home now.

[B]

You have to go out and more isolated.

[A]

You're right. I know. Amazon used to have to go get. We're out of cat food now you just boop, boop, boop.

[B]

You go to a movie now you feel like you're going to the library. I feel like you're like contributing to the, you know, the culture.

[A]

I know. And I'll jerk off it either. But yeah, it's true. It's all at the house. It's no wonder kids aren't meeting up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But weird times.

[B]

But yeah, that's got through it.

[A]

Got through it.

[B]

Flight back, you're like, once you land, you're like, thank God.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I can just. I can just crash out.

[A]

But that flight's no joke either. You're like, all right, I'll fly back. You're like, Ah, five hours and 44 minutes.

[B]

The flight back's not bad. The flight there, it's like, it's always longer going to the west coast. It's like, it's like five and a half hours. I was like, this is just like la.

[A]

I know, but you gain time.

[B]

At least you gain time, but when.

[A]

You come back, you're like, ah, I lost three hours.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You leave at 11:00am you're like, you land at like 9 at night.

[A]

Yeah, it's crazy. Oh. Oh, she here. Oh, boy. Well, these people show up early, if you know what I mean. Gotta get parking. Yeah, I was in Huntsville and Hattiesburg.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Are they close?

[A]

Not really. About a six hour, five hour drive.

[B]

You drove?

[A]

We drove and split it up. Slept in Birmingham, then drove three hours the next day.

[B]

That makes sense. That's the way to do it.

[A]

Yeah. But boy, these rooting.

[B]

Your agent didn't do you any favors with that routing. That's crazy.

[A]

I know. There's just not much down there that Alabama, Mississippi, it's. It's tough marketing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Or tough markets and woof. Man, we got heckled. We got really.

[C]

Yeehaw.

[A]

That was tap dancing up there. My parents came out to the show. It was brutal.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah. It was a long weekend.

[B]

What do they think of the show?

[A]

Well, my friend, all my. My college friends showed up as well. So I told my friend, I was like, keep an eye on my parents. Let me know what they laugh at. Just keep an eye on him and he goes, you got it.

[B]

You love the fisting material. Weird.

[A]

I see him after the show, I go, so give it to me. What would they laugh at? He goes, they didn't laugh once. And then I did a Charlie Kirk joke. My dad, all he said was, oh, boy. Only reaction I got out of them the whole. The whole show. So good times.

[B]

Yeah. One time had my therapist, when I did the Beacon, my therapist sat behind my mom, and I was like, give me the scoop. Yes, of course he did. He was like, yeah, she did not love the facial chunk. And I was like, well, it was a story.

[A]

It's a story. Also, therapist behind the mom at your show is like, that's a session in itself. He could learn a lot there.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

What she laughs at, what she hates, what she likes.

[B]

How was Hattiesburg?

[A]

Well, we did Huntsville. That was rough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we did Hattiesburg.

[B]

Huntsville was Von Braun.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The. The museum there.

[A]

Yeah. The Nazi. Yeah. It's the weirdest mishmash of good old boys. Kind of ghetto black and autistic NASA people.

[B]

All these great engineers.

[A]

Right? Exactly.

[B]

Good cost of living down there.

[A]

Very cheap.

[B]

They have a papa shot at the Von Braun museum. That's how, you know they're like. These people don't like museums.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like throwing a basketball game. Oh, let's get some Pac man in here, too.

[A]

Right. It's like those startups that throw a foosball table in. You're like, this is still a job. What are we doing here?

[B]

So. Yeah. So Huntsville. They came to Huntsville.

[A]

They came to Hattiesburg because it's two hours from New Orleans. Where is Hattiesburg, Mississippi? That's right.

[B]

Holy shit. I don't think I've ever performed in Mississippi.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

I don't think I'd love to. I just haven't done it.

[A]

Well, I saw George Carlin in Biloxi when I was a kid.

[B]

I remember this.

[A]

And. Oh, man, did he get. Heck, he fucking yelled at everybody. And I was like, this is so embarrassed. I was never being embarrassed for the south because I'm a Southerner. So I was like, this is. We got George Carlin here. And he died, like, you know, a little later. Brutal. He was like, you've toothless yokel. Pieces of.

[B]

I was like, damn.

[A]

And that's the only time I saw him perform.

[B]

Damn. Yeah. I never got to see him.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Such a legend, man.

[A]

I know, but that's how I felt up there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chew out my parents. You're not laughing at. You Ruined.

[B]

Were you getting heckled or were they just kind of tight?

[A]

Huntsville, Heckled like crazy. And then I think Mississippi, you know, I got.

[B]

What are they heckling?

[A]

They're just yelling shit like, yeah, you know, fuck off. Hey, you blow me. You know, shit like that. I had to throw one guy out. I mean, it got bad.

[B]

It's crazy when you have to throw someone out. Like, I was in the Comedy Store in LA and this lady just wouldn't stop. And I'm pretty nice. Like, I don't want to throw anyone out because I'm like, ah. You know, they may be that dumb that they don't realize I'm just like, hey, you know, let's try without that. You know, I was being pretty cool. And afterwards everyone was like, you were way too nice to that lady. To the point they just threw out. They're like, this is crib. But I was like. I was like, lady, you know, once you fuck up like eight bits in a row.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because you're ruining the show for everybody.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

But yeah, she was like just a pissed drunk older lady with her friend who. Yeah, it's like, come on.

[A]

That's the thing. So one guy just wouldn't stop. We'd throw him out. We get a DM later while we're on the highway, and they're like, that guy wouldn't shut up at the show. He's in a headlock at a bar with the bouncers, like, tasing him that he was satisfying. It was very sad. He was just blacked out the whole night. So who. These guys get blacked out for a comedy show. Like, oh, I'm gonna listen to this guy talk about Uber and get trashed.

[B]

People that don't know how to drink, cuz. Yeah, because they're going out, they want a pregame. Like, you remember that age when you're like, we're gonna pre game.

[A]

We.

[B]

But there was always that one friend who couldn't fucking the Duck Phillips of the group. The guy who can't handle the fucking booze.

[A]

I've been that guy.

[B]

I've been that guy too. But like, at a certain age, you gotta. It's you. Hopefully a young guy.

[A]

Right?

[B]

When I see an older person, I'm like, you're 57 and you don't know how to drink. You didn't get the science down to this point. I know there's nothing sadder than that because it's like, you know, when it's a young guy, you're like, all right, he's still kind of figuring it out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I see a fucking tray of Long island iced teas, I'm like, pick a fucking real spirit. Like an adult.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

No. Real drinker drinks that shit.

[A]

No, the shots guy. I'm like, dude, it's 4:30. You're doing shots.

[B]

But enough about Derosa. Jesus Christ. The shots guy at every fucking. I've said this about Derosa a million times, but he's like.

[A]

He.

[B]

Like, he looks forward to a funeral, so you can't back out to Charlie.

[A]

Right?

[B]

But yeah, the shots guy. Come on. Like, I'm trying. I'm in it for the night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I'm trying to pace myself. I like, like, exactly. I like going out, just getting fucking sauced and, you know, downtown. But I want to, like, you know, ride it out. A little ride out, Have a cocktail, then maybe, like a straight whiskey, then maybe a beer, Mix it up and.

[A]

Maybe remember it in the morning, you know, you don't want to wake up with your asshole bleeding on the sidewalk. You're like, oh, was that fun? Your wallet's gone.

[B]

The whole bleeding on the sidewalk. I'm gonna say, no, it wasn't fun. It wasn't a good night.

[A]

I don't know. Sheen flipped, dude.

[B]

Did you watch that?

[A]

Yeah, I love it.

[B]

It's incredible.

[A]

It's incredible.

[B]

You know what's amazing about that documentary is the. The scene where he and his dad beat Michael Jordan two on one.

[A]

How crazy is.

[B]

And you're like, dude, if. If you were doing crack with Charlie Sheen and he told you that story, you'd be like, shut the fuck up. But they have the footage.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Like, yeah, dude, you beat Michael Jordan with Martin Sheen.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Smoke some more of this shit, right?

[A]

Yeah, the fucking Martin Sheen deserves a good medal of honor until.

[B]

Except for the fact that they were doing nudity in the house.

[A]

Eh, I'll let it slide.

[B]

I think my dad. Your dad did that?

[A]

Yeah. Well, he would sleep nude.

[B]

That's different. Walking. I don't want to go in the kitchen and see my dad's hog.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

If I'm going in for cantaloupe, I don't want to see a fucking cucumber. You know what I mean? No, it's fucking disgusting. I think parents that practice nudity, it is like a just under child abuse to me. It's fucking weird.

[A]

It's definitely scarring.

[B]

You shouldn't have to see your parents naked.

[A]

I can pick my dad's cock out of a lineup in a second.

[B]

I could too, which is weird.

[A]

But crazy balls on him, too. But Charlie Sheen's got, like a horseshoe up. He's. He's got like a magic to him. Like, he hit that home run right outside of rehab.

[B]

I know. I love his friends. Like, it was like a movie. I'm like, what movie?

[A]

What movie?

[B]

The guy just comes out of rehab and hits a home run in a meaningless game. And you're like. And scene.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But then the. The big drug dealer, fat guy was like, I've never seen a guy do that much crack. My life. He should be dead. That was insane. No, he's got something.

[B]

Not only that, but he fucking. The guy's like, bragging that he weaned him off the drug. So you just took his money and sold him shittier diluted drugs?

[A]

I didn't even think about it.

[B]

He took the same money and he acted like a hero. Meanwhile, this guy's living in a nice home and he clearly only had one client. Charlie Sheen bought you that fucking home.

[A]

That's true. That's true. But he got him off, so it was the only way to do it.

[B]

I mean, look, it is good that he's still alive, but holy shit. Like, those lives, like, those nights.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Must have been him and Nicolas Cage. Must have been quite the duo, too.

[A]

Yeah, but just him on the tee. When he's doing the tee and he's working out, showing his ass. I mean, it was a psycho.

[B]

It's crazy to see a guy who's that drugged up and you're like, he's got a better body than me.

[A]

I know. He looked amazing.

[B]

This guy's ripped.

[A]

And how about Denise Richards walking in on the hookers and she's like, I'll make sandwiches.

[B]

She's a saint.

[A]

She's a saint.

[B]

Oh, my God. And I had the biggest crush on her growing up. I thought she was, like, the hottest woman ever.

[A]

So cute.

[B]

Wild things.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Great body. Starship Trooper. Look at that. My God.

[B]

So beautiful. For some reason, though, like, she has, like an accent now. Do you notice that?

[A]

Yeah, she got a little white trash.

[B]

Get a little Italian.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's true. But she made sandwiches for a hooker. I'll marry her.

[B]

Dude. That was insane. I was like, how bad must you feel? Because, like, think about how much we feel like shit after, like, coming off, you know, a hangover. And we don't even do bad shit. You just feel shame.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you're this age and you. You do this to your body. Think about the shame. Come down. Your wife shows up man, that scene, she was so fucking hot.

[A]

Jesus. Burned into my brain.

[B]

But that shame come down where you're like, she's making the women I just banged sandwiches.

[A]

I know she's that cool.

[B]

And I blew it.

[A]

I blew it. Yeah. And that hot and that young amazing. And then she had the nerve to be like, they weren't great sandwiches. Okay. I'm like, you're fine.

[B]

I need to find a woman like this.

[A]

You're off the hook. You think the hookers are PB and J? Come on, get it together, Hellmans. Fuck you, Jesus. So, yeah. Did she ever get naked in a movie?

[B]

Yeah, Wild Things.

[A]

Dude, I'll pull that up. I get Wild Things.

[B]

What else?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

She's naked in other stuff too. I think so.

[A]

Much hotter than Neve Campbell, who's also not bad.

[B]

Neve Candle Nimble's hot too though, dude.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

She just wasn't as hot in that movie. They made her look weird in that movie. But dude, she's super hot and like scream.

[A]

Oh, that's true. That's true. Oh, my God. Are those real? Yeah.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It's gotta be weird to be Charlie Sheen and see that Matt Dillon scene.

[B]

Well, they weren't together yet at that point, were they?

[A]

Probably not.

[B]

Probably not. But it's weird to be with someone. And footage of that. It's like we all can imagine our ex fucking someone else.

[A]

Sure. That's all I think about.

[B]

But rarely do we have the footage.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. What's that?

[B]

Not really.

[A]

What?

[B]

That was like a PG13 movie. Yeah, but it's like that. It's not. We sound like real fucking losers right now. Like, technically it wasn't nudity.

[A]

Sam, intern for Mr. Skin.

[B]

Undercover brother. Kind of underrated.

[A]

Sure. Good movie.

[B]

Funny ass movie. Eddie Griffin Chappelle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Neil Patrick Harris.

[A]

Right.

[B]

That's a low key, funny movie.

[A]

By the way, Mr. Skin, he's like a horse saddle maker, you know, he's like, man, back in my day I made a lot of money and then I got, you know, technology came in and pushed me out.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

What are we doing? Jeez. Yeah, look at the champagne on the titties.

[A]

Oh, my God. All right, all right.

[B]

You can only really do that in a hotel room youm don't want to make a mess of your own home.

[A]

Good point. Yeah.

[B]

That movie we watch, Wild Things, it doesn't make a ton of sense. It's a kind of just a fun, trashy Bill Murray.

[A]

Bill Murray's randomly In is weird to.

[B]

Mix your jacking off and then, like, a comedian shows up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I didn't sign up for this.

[A]

Right? Not Woody Harrelson. Kevin Bacon.

[B]

Yeah. You see a little Kevin Bacon hog in that?

[A]

Decent hog on bacon.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Not bad for Kira Sedgwick. Well done.

[B]

Good job. Can we get. Can we get Kevin Bacon on here? I feel like that guy's got stories, and he feels like it'd be a fun hang. I love that. Oh, everyone's got a band.

[A]

I know. Dog star. That's a Keanu man.

[B]

I love. Yeah, I would love to get Kevin Bacon on here.

[A]

Love. What a career. What a career. Cut loose. Kick off your Sunday shoes. Yeah, he's. He's six degrees of Kevin Bacon.

[B]

I wonder if there's, like, a new guy that is now, because that was, like. That was. I feel like that was, like, a long time ago.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. We need a new sixth degree.

[B]

Probably going to be Pedro Pascal. Jude Law. I feel like he's in something with everyone.

[A]

Yeah, sure.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

There he is. Boy, oh, boy. Was he in the band with Bill from Bill and Ted. Oh, got it.

[B]

Yeah, dude. No, that Sheen thing was. It was. It was stressing me out. It stresses me out to see someone do that to themselves, even though you know that he's alive.

[A]

He pulled it off.

[B]

It's also crazy that. That part where he goes, I was relieved it was hiv. I know, because he was doing that much damage to his body that he just assumed it was, like, cancer or something. And he's like, people can live on hiv. And I'm like, that. It's so fucked up to be grateful that it's that.

[A]

I know also, people are suing him because they're like, you fucked me without a condom, you piece of shit. And we still like him. Like, can you imagine giving someone hiv? We're like, yeah, but he's awesome.

[B]

They omitted a lot.

[A]

They omitted a lot.

[B]

And. And, I mean, he's laughing, he's surviving. It's also crazy talking about just, like, getting blown by this woman while smoking crack. Your first time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then he's like, she died. And that's fucking crazy. Like, that's just like a casual thing. It's like, yeah, you hate to see that. I'm like, yeah, dude. Like, what the fuck? Yeah, that's drug addict stories right there.

[A]

Totally. He's just so damn charming.

[B]

He is charming.

[A]

He's so charming.

[B]

Yeah. Just when you want to get mad at him, you're like hatch out Dukes.

[A]

Pretty good. Pretty good, yeah. And then he would walk on the set of Two and a Half Men and they were all like, here comes a cokehead. Crackhead Charlie. And he's like, hey, I brought donuts. And I'm like, he's all right. He would like him.

[B]

He would fucking. Yeah. Cuz you hear John Cryer talking about him, like, you know, he. Look, people have many sides to them, sure. But I would be pretty fucking annoyed if my livelihood depended on a dude who is that fucking.

[A]

Of course. Damaged. Of course.

[B]

It's also his dad and brother don't want to be in the dock.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That does say. They're like, we've. We've had enough.

[A]

And how about the wedding speech? At the second wedding with his dad, he goes, hope you know what you're doing.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Toast.

[B]

I bet I got a huge laugh.

[A]

I'm sure it did. Yeah. Damn, that woman was nutty. You could. You could see it in her eyes.

[B]

She's a drug addict.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, she looked rough. You could see. I mean. I mean, those old pictures are holy.

[A]

Oh, beautiful lady. But you could just tell even from the footage on the interview, you're like, this girl's off.

[B]

You don't get out of a relationship with Charlie unscathed.

[A]

No, no. You leave.

[B]

And, you know, I remember he was.

[A]

Sober for years and he found her doing coke in a bathroom. And he goes, let me show you how to not waste it. Or he said something like that and then he was back on the wagon. Something cheap.

[B]

You gotta pick women who aren't doing. I know, that's older story tells a story where he goes to like. He's like, me and C. Thomas Howell are both dating this woman. I'm like, all right, like fucking hilarious. There's always like a connection of someone from the 80s, right? Me and Rob Lowe are both banging this chicken. Yeah. He shows up and she's at like a scary dealer's place.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Goes and gets a gun out of his trunk. I'm like, this isn't a fucking movie.

[A]

I know, I know. But that's she. And he pulled everything off.

[B]

He did stick the landing, minus the hiv.

[A]

And he was so charming that they would be like, what about the hiv? I got through that. What about when they said you raped Corey Haim? He's like, silly, what else you got? Like, he just kept.

[B]

It was Corey Haim.

[A]

That was a big rumor. And Jesus, he was slipping it like bush with the shoe. Remember the shoe?

[B]

He. Bob and weed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Charlie Sheen, man, what a fucking life.

[A]

What a life. And he ain't done yet. There you go. It was a big loss. Yeah.

[B]

I hope he gets like a cool role. But that, yeah, they did gloss over the fact that he probably gave some women hiv.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Man, what a badass.

[B]

What does he do now? Like, how do you. How do you. Can you people when you have hiv or do you.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You show confidence.

[A]

Sure. Yeah.

[B]

Well, what's it. Can we look that up? I don't know how the, how that works.

[A]

He just did Bill Maher and Bill Maher is like, so you fucked a couple of guys? And he was like, whoa, whoa. No penetration.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I heard that. Yeah. I love this line about like you've done everything on the menu. At some point you turn the menu.

[A]

Yeah, that was great.

[B]

That guy has lived nine lives.

[A]

Yeah. Definitely condoms.

[B]

So you can't. And this is going to sound naive, but like, do. You can't transmit it through, like making out or oral sex.

[A]

Breast milk. Whoa.

[B]

So wait, bodily fluids, blood, semen. Yes. Like why needles can do it, but.

[A]

Bodily fluid could be a makeout.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Are we naive here? I don't know.

[A]

Yeah. Also, what's the difference in HIV and aids, by the way?

[B]

Well, AIDS is full blown. Right. HIV is, I think, treatable.

[A]

Ah, okay. There we go. Give me a, give me a full on.

[B]

Yeah. AIDS is the most advanced. It's like before.

[A]

Oh, got it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's like remission with cancer?

[B]

No, not remission. Is you're good. Hiv. You still have it.

[A]

Oh, I thought it was in remission. Like you have it, but it's like.

[B]

I think in remission means that it's like you're on your way back.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. By the way, you ever thought about.

[B]

Getting your prostate checked by a doctor, not a woman? Yes.

[A]

Milk it. Well, I got a. I used to. I could hold my pissing because I was a bedwetter. So I learned how to hold my pee in for like hours. And now when I gotta pee, I gotta pee, dude.

[B]

I think when I was in Vegas, I think I woke up every hour for like, I slept for like 12 hours at night. Cause I was just trying to shake it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I got in a day early. I was like, let me just fucking try to sleep it off. I woke up every fucking hour to piss.

[A]

That's insane.

[B]

That's also, I think, part of just being sick and your body trying to shed shit.

[A]

But I was like drinking Fluids.

[B]

But I was like, God damn, this sucks.

[A]

That's a lot.

[B]

Yeah. We're getting older, man.

[A]

Yeah. Well, I remember Mulaney had that old bit where he. He called. He wanted to get free pills, so he called the doctor and he said, I'm peeing a lot. And the doc said, how many times a day? And he tried to say a crazy number to get the pills, but not too crazy, so he said 11. And the doctor was like, oh, that's insane. You got to come in.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, I just remember that from the joke.

[B]

Is 11 crazy?

[A]

Apparently.

[B]

I feel like I pee easily 11, don't you?

[A]

I don't know. I think maybe I, like, seven. Four to ten is normal. Okay.

[B]

Okay. So 11's not crazy.

[A]

All right. Health conditions.

[B]

I drink a lot of water, too, though.

[A]

And we drink booze.

[B]

And we drink booze and coffee. Yeah, it's a diuretic. Yeah. I mean.

[A]

All right, well, call in if, you know, because we should get a doctor.

[B]

On here at some point.

[A]

We should get a doctor.

[B]

Is he a real doctor?

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

I would have drew on.

[B]

Yeah, that'd be cool.

[A]

Yeah. We could just use him to get, you know, evaluated. Like, what's this on my dick? Is it too much piss? My dick too small?

[B]

Can you write us a prescription?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Can you give me Xanax?

[B]

God. I'll tell you, I. Prescriptions, man. It's fucking. It's a racket, man. They're out of shit.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And then you call a CVS, and they're just like. You're not getting them on the phone. No, you got to go in person. You got to. You got to do these mom and pop pharmacies.

[A]

I guess so. Yeah.

[B]

But then they're like. Like, we don't have that. And you're like, fuck.

[A]

Right, Right. Yeah. They're like priests where they just send you to another place. Yeah. Go to this cvs. They might have it in the Bronx.

[B]

Oh, my God. I know. You got to go on a fucking advent. It's the new Harold and Kumar is going to be just us trying to get Adderall.

[A]

Well, my friend has an app on his phone.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Called something something. And you just go, hey, I got a uti. And they go, okay, we'll send you this in the mail. I'll be there in two days.

[B]

Yeah, but you can't do that for controlled substances.

[A]

Mmm.

[B]

And that's the good stuff.

[A]

That's true. Like, so you can't do antibiotics or something.

[B]

I don't Know about antibiotics? No. Probably antibiotics you could do. Maybe antibiotics that you should be able to get easily. But then if it's like, you know, like muscle relaxer.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Or like Adderall or something like that.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

Something that could be abused.

[A]

Yeah. This is like a gonorrhea scare or something. You hit the apple.

[B]

Yeah. Take control of cold sores. What a sad you have when you're like, I'm in control now.

[A]

Damn. All right, well, should you urinate, and then we. And I could use a cocktail.

[B]

Yeah, let's do a drink.

[A]

All right, let's take a break, and.

[B]

We'Ll be back with our guest.

[A]

Quick break. Hey, folks, we're here with Fiona. Everybody out of the chair on the couch.

[B]

Good to see you again. We met at Kill Tony.

[C]

Yeah, killed it.

[B]

That was awesome.

[C]

There you go. Yeah, I. I met you before. Gil Dony.

[A]

We in the back of, like, an upholstery store.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Doing a don't tell in Chattanooga.

[C]

Knoxville.

[A]

Knoxville.

[C]

Close.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Knoxville.

[A]

And you were. You were just a comic.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, and I was like, who's this?

[C]

This is a fucking welfare kiss.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Knoxville's kind of an underrated comedy city.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They don't have a club, so if you're not doing theaters. Did they.

[B]

Yeah. Side Splitters was there back in the day.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[B]

But it closed down. But, yeah, there's a theater there that's, like, gorgeous. It's, like, one of the best.

[A]

Yeah, I think Dusty Slade did a thing. Yeah. Yeah. Tennessee's good for comedy all around. Well, Memphis is a tough, tough market.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's hard to sell tickets, but the people that come out are good.

[A]

That's true. Yeah. That's true.

[B]

But you're from. You're from Texas originally.

[C]

No, I'm from Nashville. Nashville, Like Franklin?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Okay. So you're a Tennessee gal.

[C]

Yeah. How y' all doing?

[A]

Seems like everyone in Tennessee is not from there now.

[C]

I know. Yeah, it's true. I just can't get far. I keep running out of battery every time I try.

[A]

You ever think about going Amish? Thank you.

[C]

Would you Said it. I'm so sorry. I'm not good at that.

[B]

Doing vodka sodas with lime. This is your drink? Yeah, I like it pretty much.

[C]

Skinny girl drink. I like it.

[B]

I like it, too.

[A]

Best. Best hangover. Cheers, folks. Cheers.

[B]

Coming to you.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

You want a straw?

[C]

Yeah, I would love it.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

I have an old one.

[A]

Old one for the blow.

[C]

It's real short, but it'll work.

[A]

Yeah, I've Heard that before. So he's trying bodega for the first time.

[B]

Oh. What do you think?

[A]

It's not bad.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you.

[C]

Is that bourbon or rye?

[B]

We'll give you a bottle if we have an. I'm sure we have an extra bottle.

[A]

We're trying. We're trying to get it there. We're trying to get everywhere I think.

[B]

Is Tennessee and Kentucky, like, hard to break into.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, hard to break. A lot of red tape. It's all mob run.

[B]

It's weird. Like, the state. The rules the states have where you're like, you know, if you can get a gun easily, porn's gonna be a problem. Or, like, you know, abortion's gonna be a problem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You never get full freedom in estate.

[A]

No.

[C]

It's funny when abortion's a problem. But you can get guns easy, right?

[A]

We'll kill you later.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Early.

[C]

Just let him cook.

[B]

There we go. Give her the big one.

[A]

Look at that.

[C]

Oh, thank.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That fancy.

[A]

Yes. What is that? Is that, like, a heroin tie? What is that thing?

[B]

We got it from the set of Train Spotting.

[A]

Yeah. There you go.

[C]

What if it, like, love it?

[A]

Is that gonna be low? High enough?

[C]

I'm gonna struggle for a minute, and then I'll drink it down and it'll be fine.

[B]

Also, you can hold it. You could be a gentleman and hold.

[A]

It up for her, I guess, but that is. This feels like I'm enabling. Good sip, good sip.

[B]

Sweet.

[A]

All right. Now, how do you know when you're trashed? You sound the same.

[C]

I losey. I let other people tell me.

[A]

There you go. So my. My parents. I saw my parents this weekend, and they're getting old, and the driving is a little scary with them, so they drove all the way to see me, two hours. And I said, I'm driving back. And my dad was like, yeah, but you had a couple cocktails. I saw it and I said, me drunk is still safer than you driving on the road. And we got to this big.

[B]

You can't tell that to a cop.

[A]

That's true. That's true.

[B]

Old beats drunk. To a cop.

[A]

You mean drunk beats old.

[B]

No, to a cop. You can't be drunk.

[C]

Old me? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I see. Well, I still say if me and my dad did it, if I got four cocktails deep, I could drive better than my dad.

[C]

Dude, I just added Matt to my car insurance. The hubby, and it went down because he's a guy. Yeah. And he, like, walked, and that's fun.

[A]

Can't really call Sexism. When we got the numbers on our side.

[B]

How does the driving work with you?

[C]

I have hand controls, so it's a lot like driving a boat.

[B]

I might need that. I'm a fucking bad driver.

[C]

It's real nice. See, I'm not paralyzed, you know, but the issue is all my proprioceptive nerves are dead or dying. And what that is is, like, when you're driving, I can't see my feet. And if I can't see them, I don't know where they are. It's crazy. So I'm like. I used to drive with my feet and a flashlight and, like, look at the brake.

[A]

Wow. So is that what they look like, those little levers and pulleys?

[C]

More or less. It's.

[A]

Or is it more flippers on the wheel?

[C]

It's literally like this fourth photo is what I have.

[A]

Got it. Oh, cool. I wonder if Brad Williams does that, because I don't think he can reach the accelerator.

[C]

They do extended pedals. I don't know about all disabilities. This sounds crazy. I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah. I didn't mean to treat you like Ass Jeeves for this show.

[C]

If you get three questions right, I'll give you a handicapped perk myth.

[A]

Oh, man, you could use it.

[B]

How do you feel about someone if you're, like, going to a movie theater and someone's, like, taking the handicap seat? What's the.

[C]

I don't really go to movies anymore.

[B]

They did it this weekend.

[C]

I do get weird about parking spots. That pisses me off.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And then the handicap stall, that's a big one. Yeah. Like, when there's no other ones open, go ahead. But if the rest are open and you choose that one, I'm gonna sit out there and wait for you.

[A]

It's a good move. Make you feel better. Stare at them.

[C]

Yeah, it's real fun.

[A]

You're ruining their day, dude.

[C]

I did that on the road. I was driving back from, like, Rhode island or something, and I'm at a gas station, ladies doing this. I'm sitting outside the stall. She opens it. Oh, my God. My mom was in a wheelchair, and I was like, cool, get out of my place.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And she tried to follow me into the stall because she was like, I'll help you. And I'm like, you gonna wipe my ass?

[A]

Like, what are we doing, Overcompensating? Yeah, bad. Damn. You should have made her wipe your ass. Fuck it.

[C]

That's a good point.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. I did have a handicap pass in high school. We stole one. So sorry. But I was a kid.

[C]

Yeah. Would you do it now?

[A]

Yeah, sure. I saw you pull up. I would. I would get out.

[B]

Anthony DeVito, when he used to drive us to road gigs, had the handicap thing in his car. Remember that?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because of his mom.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

And he used it.

[A]

You gotta use it.

[B]

He did use it.

[A]

Now some people are like, I'm dyslexic. So they have a handicap pass.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

There's no.

[B]

There's no, like, degrees, which is kind of crazy.

[C]

No, that's the weirdest part. I thought, like, getting a handicap pass is, like, the last step of, like, diagnosis or whatever the fuck. I got diagnosed at 18, and I kind of. I got gaslit, but I was grounded for freaking. It was a. What?

[B]

What, your parents didn't believe you?

[C]

My. Yeah, my sister had health issues. They were like, you just want to be like her. So I had to take myself to all these doctor's appointments. I was doing it secretly. Cause my mom wouldn't help me. And I was 18.

[B]

What, do they feel horrible now?

[C]

Oh, my. Well, I don't talk to my dad, but, like, my mom feels real bad.

[B]

What happened with your dad?

[C]

Kind of classic bad dad beat. He didn't, like, beat us. It wasn't like that. He just didn't care, you know, Neglect. Yeah, he's very funny, though.

[A]

Yeah, bad people are funny.

[C]

Yeah, that's true.

[A]

Look at Cosby. Great comic. That was a real hog.

[C]

He was like, you need to drink.

[B]

That was the most Cosby thing ever do. Here, drink up. Have some more.

[A]

You look thirsty.

[C]

God, a roofie would be wasted on me.

[B]

They're gonna take one out. They're like, yeah, never mind.

[A]

Yeah, she's using the elbow groove. Sorry.

[C]

No, but I go in. I still am not diagnosed with anything. I go into the neurologist. I just walk in, but I'm wobbly.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And they immediately handed me a handicap parking pass. And I was like, what? And it said permanently disabled on it and that. Like, I was like, we don't know.

[A]

Damn. So you think if you, like, hit it big and became, like, this giant, huge, rich and famous comedian, your dad would come crawling back? Or is he that out there that he's like, ah, fuck it?

[C]

I honestly, I thought, like, killed Tony. Like, he'll reach out.

[B]

I think he's seen it.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Well, my sister still talks to him.

[A]

Interesting. Yeah.

[C]

She's the oldest, so there's, like, that, like, first child I need, you know?

[A]

Right.

[B]

I remember when I did last comic standing back in the Day. I had to get. You used to have to get people's permissions if you were gonna make fun of them. Remember that? If it was family or something like that, or if you use their name. I forgot how. Oh, yeah. But I had to. For whatever reason, I had to get my biological dad's signature to make fun of him.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

So I met up with him. I was like, will you just sign.

[C]

This and you don't talk to him.

[B]

We didn't talk, and that's good. And he was like. He had, like, a mental breakdown at that point. So he would, like, look at the contract and be like, no, no, no. I was like, come on, I need this. He was like, I couldn't tell if he was faking it or not, but he would just keep getting close to it and then go. I was like, you fucking cock tease. I lost it. I. You. I just walked out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did different jokes.

[A]

Did. You didn't forge it?

[B]

No, I don't. I didn't.

[A]

You didn't want to.

[B]

I didn't want to deal with it. Yeah.

[A]

Damn. That's crazy. Remember that? That whole signing thing they made me.

[B]

It was some weird NBC.

[A]

Yeah. God, NBC is the worst.

[B]

Yeah, they really are. So that's crazy, though, that he. So. But you're still close with your mom, and you're close with your sister.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

And my little brother.

[A]

Yeah. Big fam. We got here.

[C]

Yeah. I'm the middle.

[B]

Your little brother must think it's pretty cool that you're crushing her.

[C]

Oh, yeah. He. He's a musician, actually, so he's like, I don't know. All this is very exciting for him, and he's young, and I remember. Okay, so I'm 29. My brother is 24, and. And he said me. He came to one of my shows and was like, it's really cool because you're, like, so old. But, like, Gen Z still thinks you're funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What the.

[A]

You're not old.

[C]

I'm not. I'm like a baby.

[B]

I think you might be our youngest guest.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Who the hell?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, wow. Is that your bro?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, that's my. Yeah, that's my brother. The one above is my old family with my stepdad, Randy.

[A]

The good dad.

[C]

Yeah, he's the dad that stepped up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I remember seeing you at Kill Tony. I think it was the only time I was on Kill Tony. And she comes out, killer jokes. And then the interview part. She killed it, too. Hilarious. Off the cuff, too. Oh, yeah, she just killed it. It was awesome.

[A]

Yeah. You killed at the adult tell. I saw.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, it was refreshing. Cause it's like, you know, it's such a weird. I mean, we just came up so differently. I mean, we did those kind of shows where you're like, fuck, I'm nervous, but you're not. Like, that show's massive.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So you're, you know, fairly new to comedy. I don't know how long you been doing it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How long you been doing?

[C]

October is five years.

[A]

Oh. Yeah.

[B]

It's pretty new. And it's like this massive audience. I remember having those audition sets.

[A]

Oh. Oh, God.

[B]

But you just, like, crushed it. And I assume you've been on it, you know, 10. 10 times.

[C]

Well, before you were my.

[B]

That was your second time?

[C]

I think so.

[B]

Yeah. You killed. Felt good to see, you know, someone do so well.

[C]

That means so much. It is weird, though. Cause, like, it is a room of, like 350 people, but you're so wary that, like, millions are gonna see it, and you're like, fuck, like, everything I Now, do I look fat? Am I sitting up?

[A]

And the comments are brutal. And then Tony could be brutal. Be like, you suck. I'm not gay. I promise. So, yeah, you really gotta walk that tightrope.

[C]

Not my forte.

[A]

Now let me ask you. So we're a couple of straight, white honky men. You know, we'll get people. Hey, shut up. That's offensive. Does anyone ever push back on you because you have pretty dark jokes?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Anyone ever going to yell at the wheel?

[C]

They'll be quiet, but it's because they feel sad for me. And that's the worst.

[B]

So much more obnoxious.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Yeah. I'm like, that actually is a hate crime.

[A]

They're like, she said the N word. But, you know.

[C]

Yeah, she meant it with an A. Just says the speech. Really?

[A]

That should be. You should be able to say the N word if you're holding the handicap. Pass. This is my N word. Pass.

[B]

You get an actual N word card.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, but that's nice. That's a nice little perk.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, you still have to live like this, but nice perk.

[B]

It must be hard with the travel.

[C]

Oh, God, dude. Yeah, it's a nightmare because I know, like, I'm on tour right now and. And I know most comics that are, like, starting off headlining for the first year, it's hard to afford to bring a feature, you know, so people just, like, let the club. I have to. I can't get from A to B on an airplane. I can't. I'm not gonna drive eight hours by myself. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. That is so.

[C]

It's kind of like taking all that into account. I can't afford multiple hotel rooms right now. You know what I mean?

[A]

Damn.

[B]

You just have to sleep with your.

[C]

Literally. I. Sorry, Matt. You know, I.

[A]

And thank God you live in a city. City with a club and a theater, you know, and festivals. That would really suck if you lived in like, Montana.

[C]

Yeah. I'm staying in Nashville, though, because we have a great, like a ton of direct flights everywhere.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

I never even thought about, man. So all those times you were in Austin or when you're in New York, that's just a whole to do.

[B]

You're flying out of pocket, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's crazy. That is crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Hard.

[A]

Get a go. Pump me going. Help. Help her out, everybody.

[C]

What the heck, guys?

[A]

Come on.

[B]

Seems like you're doing great though right now.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I'm very fortunate. I can't afford all of that now.

[A]

Oh, great.

[C]

Yeah, I'm doing all right. I got that wheelchair money.

[B]

Has anyone ever get rims on that?

[A]

Right? Get the hydraulics. Has anyone reached out in the handicap world? Is that the term? Okay.

[B]

You know, who's the person who's reached out? We were like, holy. That's kind of cool.

[A]

Stephen Hawking. Somebody must.

[C]

You said I was too old. Someone that's reached like.

[A]

Like an organization like, hey, we're part of.

[C]

Oh, I just had a really cool thing, actually. I was in Boston doing their laugh. Boston. And I never really do crap, but for some reason I was like, make noise if you're in the healthcare field. And everyone clapped. We're in Boston.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And I just point at one random guy and I was like, what do you do? You know? And he was the chief financial officer for gene therapy for my disease.

[A]

Holy.

[C]

Which is the only cure. When I was diagnosed 11 years ago, they told me, like, your only hope is gene therapy and that could reverse this. So I was like.

[B]

And did he talk to him after?

[C]

Oh, my God. Yeah. And it made me very emotional. He emailed me. I'm gonna try to do something with them.

[A]

Wow. Of all the crowd work, dude.

[C]

I know. It's cause it was bald.

[B]

That would suck to bomb in front of the CEO. Yeah.

[C]

And he was like taking and big.

[A]

Did he bill you? He's like, we talk for 11 minutes.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I was like, this is crazy how these healthcare people. I can't afford to see a Swede recommend to get Y' all in here? Can you look at this?

[B]

What?

[A]

What?

[B]

So gene therapy could reverse something like this?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And where are they with something like that?

[C]

They're about to move to clinical. Terrell. Which is so good.

[A]

It's.

[C]

It's like the first stage. I don't. I shouldn't say that, but gene therapy would be the cure for any genetic, like, Alzheimer's fucking dementia. It would stop all that.

[B]

Are definitely getting dementia.

[A]

Oh, easy.

[B]

You know it. We're like.

[C]

I'm reading that line.

[A]

Yeah, completely. Wow. This is great news.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't want to jinx it, so we'll figure out.

[C]

I know. I'm like, you always gotta, like, manager hope on stuff. Because I've been through a million things that are like, this is it, and it's not.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Damn. Of all. I mean, that sounds. If that was in a movie, it'd be like. That's a little on the nose.

[C]

Yeah, that works.

[A]

Scene with the guy.

[B]

This turns around. You're making that. I mean, you'll be played by Mark Ruffalo.

[A]

Damn.

[C]

Yeah, it was very cool. He was, like, talking to me about how he was really excited because I bring a lot of awareness to Friedrich's ataxia. Like, when I talk about it on podcasts or Gil Tony and did he.

[B]

Know who you were before? Is that what you were?

[C]

Yeah. Like, they're all fans, and I'm like, what the fucking. I was like their first person with FA they had met.

[A]

Yeah. You're the Jackie Robinson.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What? Frederickset takes ya pretty close. All right, I'll take it.

[C]

I liked it.

[A]

Damn. Hold on. I had another question. I forgot it left Boston. Oh, I lost it. I'll get it back.

[B]

I want to know what your road routine is like. It's like, when you get to a new city, do you just kind of. You try to find a restaurant? Do you just go to the hotel and chill? Like, what do you do?

[C]

I score the hotel.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I moved a lot that day. My routine now, that being a really big fucking issue with all hotels being disabled, being like. I booked an accessible room for mobility. I showed up to this last hotel and I was like, is it accessible? And they were like, yeah, it's hearing.

[A]

Accessible what?

[C]

Accessible hearing.

[B]

I don't even know what that means.

[A]

Like, for deaf people.

[C]

Oh, yeah. And I was like, what does that mean? And they were like, well, there's a doorbell, and when someone hits it, flashes the light so you know someone's there. I was like, oh, thank God. I was like, the only, like, crazy thing about that. My ears are good. My legs are deaf. You know they're not.

[A]

Listen. Oh, I remember what I was going to ask, and maybe it's. Maybe it's for the best. I didn't remember. So tell me if this is over the line.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

But I got to know where we at feelings wise. Below the equator.

[B]

I think that's fair.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

All feeling. I'm not paralyzed.

[A]

Oh, you got feeling.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, so you guys are plowing?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yes, sir. Wow.

[A]

That's it. Would you have a swing? That would be an order.

[B]

She must work really hard.

[A]

Which one? You holding her up?

[C]

Holding me down.

[A]

Wow. So you know he's horny when he puts a broomstick through the spokes. Not going anywhere, baby.

[B]

It's the flashing lights.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn, dude, that's. And do you guys tour together? Always.

[C]

When he's not busy. So he is on the road like 40 weeks a year with Rodney Carrington.

[A]

Oh, hey, he's a legend.

[C]

I have features for him.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah.

[C]

So when he's not with Rodney, he's with me. And then when he's not available, I bring someone named Justin Wagner. He's a Nashville comic. Very funny. Good guy.

[B]

It's nice that, like, I mean, the hard thing about dating a comic is, like, how much, you know, scheduling time together and, you know, being apart and all that stuff. Like, is it. Do you think it's good for the relationship that you have the time part and you have to actually miss the person a little bit?

[C]

I love missing him.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. No, it's. Honestly, I've been a fucking breeze. Like, we've had no issues. I don't know. We just trust each other a lot. I'm not gonna roll into any dick on the road.

[A]

Well, it's tough, though, because if you blow up or if you blow up now, you're both busy. So how does that work? It's almost like a bittersweet thing.

[C]

Yeah. Because we want that for each other, you know? I don't know. We haven't gotten that bun.

[B]

Being busy is good, though. It's like you miss the person. I mean, think about. You love your alone time. You focus on your work. I'm the same way. I get on the road and I'm not in a relationship, but I get on the road and I'm just like. I can focus. It's almost like your life back home is paused and you can just be like, no one can bother me. That's the same reason I love a Flight. I'm like, I don't have to respond to this shit now. I can just kind of do that 100%.

[C]

Yeah, definitely. I mean, I'm not too worried about all of it.

[A]

Nah, you gotta be fine.

[C]

Yeah. We get married in, like, 24 days.

[B]

24 days. All right.

[A]

Where's the wedding? A giant handicap stall.

[C]

Everyone can get in.

[B]

Do you feel like you have a big audience of people who feel like you're speaking for them?

[C]

Kind of, yeah. That's been the craziest part of all this. I didn't feel that way. And then I started, like, yell, Tony Abend. And I'm getting, like, you know, 20, 30 messages a day from disabled people, from people that have family members like me and. Yeah, yeah, it's been cool. Actually, the TEDX talk that isn't out yet, but it's about to come out.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Oh, what is it, a TED Talk? What do they call it? TEDX now?

[C]

The smaller one, the TedX?

[B]

No, we'll fucking. We'll make sure it blows up. So you just gave, like, a funny speech?

[C]

Basically, yeah. Well, it wasn't supposed to be funny, but I had never been serious on stage before, and I was, like, having a panic attack. So I started, like, accidentally doing jokes.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And so the crowd was laughing, and I was like, thank God. Like, what? In silence, I got an applause break for wisdom.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

It was.

[B]

So there's people who cheating over there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To get applause. He just dropped some knowledge.

[A]

Did you wear the Matt Rife headset?

[C]

No, it was like a mic.

[A]

Okay, I know.

[B]

Headset makes you look important.

[A]

I know, I know.

[C]

I wanted one bed.

[A]

Good job. Did it. Yeah. Wow. Tedx, you're all over the place now. You know, Jim Jeffries does the. I've opened for him. He meets with the handicapped people after his set. That's like, a weird thing he does. Cause he had.

[B]

It's weird. He's got this weird quirk he should.

[C]

Be ignoring that.

[A]

He had a story about his brother or friend in a wheelchair.

[B]

It's amazing.

[A]

Bit great.

[B]

Bit about his friend growing up with muscular dystrophy who he took to a brothel to get laid.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Wait, I think I've heard that story.

[A]

It's a really funny story. Yeah. And his whole TV show is based on that, basically. And that guy DJ Quals, played his friend in the wheelchair, but he took him to a brothel. The story blew up, and now all these handicapped people, or disabled people meet him after the show. But it's getting a little out of hand. It started with a wheelchair. Now it's like, I can't hear in one ear. I'm missing a finger, so. But he meets them all after the show, and then if you open for him, you got to meet him, too.

[C]

Oh, wow.

[A]

But that's why his. His special is called Two Limb Policy. Because he's like, all right, you still gotta have. Or One Limb Policy. Whatever it was.

[B]

I didn't even know that was a specialist.

[A]

Yeah, it's on Netflix. This is last special.

[C]

That is so real, though. People are fucking insane. I'll be like, before one of my jokes, I'll be like, make some noise if you're a disabled person. And it's always like 10 people. And I'm like, no, no. Like the real kind.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[C]

I'm like, it's a hard to take a piss. I feel like. That's a good.

[A]

That's good gauge indicator. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

[C]

Like, is that the hardest part?

[B]

2. But I'm not going to claim them more just in. My body's shitty at this point.

[C]

I'm kind of a shy peer. Does that count really?

[A]

I could pee anywhere. Anywhere. I could.

[B]

I mean, I can pee on the street, but it'll take a minute. I still pee on the street. Yeah, if it's late at night. It's late at night. No one's around. You had a few cocktails.

[A]

Yeah, I got you.

[C]

Sorry.

[A]

Yeah, I can. I can pee anywhere. No stage fright. What about boner?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

You get bone. You get the.

[B]

A public boner?

[A]

Well, no, if I get my head, I can't get it up. I can get it up all the time, but if you start thinking about not being able to get it up, I'm ruined.

[B]

I think that's why you drink.

[A]

I guess so.

[B]

I think when you get. When you get in your head.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're, like, too aware of it.

[A]

I did. I brought my wife to a sex club. And, you know, I'm like, we're in the sex club. We gotta have sex in it. That's what you do. And we were making out, and there's people making out. There's people over there. There's a guy on a swing. There's a naked lady. So I'm like. A lot going on. I couldn't get it up because it was too much. I was techno and lights and all this. So eventually I got it up. But it was. It wasn't easy.

[C]

How'd you get it up?

[A]

I took a blue chew. Okay.

[B]

1. Because you were like, I was nervous.

[A]

I knew I'd want to fuck in there, you know, when in Rome. But I just didn't want to take any chances.

[B]

I've had more and more guys tell me, like, you got to get a prescription for Viagra just to have in case you, like, meet a chick you want to go all night with.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'm like, I'm pretty satisfied with a few pumps and falling asleep.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And I don't think women actually ever want to go all night.

[B]

I had one where a woman just like. I guess I was like, all right. Nymphomaniac. Stressed me out.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I was just like, fuck, I'm trying. This is like, give me a sec.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was hammered enough that I got. I went three, and that was the most.

[A]

Three, pretty good.

[B]

That was the most I've done in, like, years.

[A]

Yeah. And you want to go to bed. I'm tired.

[B]

I was hammered. I didn't care.

[C]

Three times in one.

[B]

Yeah. I was fucking pleased with my. I'm 39.

[A]

I was like, yeah. I've done the three nights. It gets a little raw after a while.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

The third.

[B]

The third one was. It was like the third Godfather. It wasn't very good. First two, not bad.

[A]

That's funny.

[B]

Yeah. Write it down now. But, yeah. No, I had a one night stand with a woman and I found out, like, women, like, if I'm having any trouble and they're just mean to me, it definitely helps.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

Yeah, just a little mean. Like, ball busty.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Not too mean.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

What was your mom like?

[B]

Great. I had a great mother. I have a great mom. She's the best.

[A]

Could you work them into it? Like, if they're not being mean enough? Could you be like, boy, you put on weight? All right, here we go. Yeah, let's ride. Light the fuse a little.

[B]

Yeah. To me. But they got to be clever.

[A]

Sure. Like, you're ugly, you're gay. It's still got to be something. Something clever. Yeah. I like that. For me, it's just not caring if the girl's like, what? I don't care. I'm like, I got to win you back. I'm in love with you. I'll marry you, you take my money.

[B]

I had a one night stand with a woman, and I did not last long. And not proud of this. Went unprotected because she demanded it.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And I don't do that. I'm a product of an accident. I'm not a fucking. I'm not careless. But I was like hammered. I was like, ah, fuck it, let's do it. And then did not last long. And afterwards she goes, what's my name? And I was like, and true story. I said, I want to say Jasamon. That was my guess. Jasamon. I was hammered. And she said, what kind of fucking name is Jazmin? And I said, what's your name? And she goes, julissa.

[C]

Okay, that's pretty close.

[A]

That's a crazy.

[B]

But then she. I'll give you an example. She says, she leaves. And I called her a car. And she leaves and she. This is the line. I was like, made me kind of like her. She texts. First off, she texts, not even an Uber black. And I wrote. I wrote, geez, so sorry. And then she wrote, comes in 10 seconds and calls me a Toyota Camry. And I was like, that's pretty fucking good. Yeah, that's the type of ball busting I like.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

I enjoyed it.

[A]

So when's the wedding?

[B]

I told her, I said, if we have a baby, we'll name it Jasiman.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

That was probably the name of the Uber driver. That's one fun thing about being single. You get those wacky drunk.

[B]

I like to follow a fucking night.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

I like to follow a weird night and see where it goes.

[A]

I love a weird night.

[B]

Love a weird night.

[A]

That's where you get the stories. You don't get stories for being married with a kid. I'll tell you that.

[B]

Jim Jeffries got that great bit where he goes, you know, sober people all have the same end of their story. And then I got home.

[A]

Yeah, no great story started with and I had a salad. Yeah. Shit. What about you? You drink?

[C]

I do.

[A]

I mean, we've seen.

[B]

Yeah. What kind of. What's like. Do you drink before you go on stage or after stage or.

[C]

I used to like have to have like two drinks before I went on stage just cause I was nervous. Now it's like, maybe I do, maybe I don't.

[A]

That's a good sign. Is that your only vice? You ever do a little shroom action?

[C]

I did, uh.

[A]

Oh. But.

[C]

Well, every time I've done it, I'm a fucking idiot. And I do it in the craziest places. The first time I did Trooms, it was for a like comedy show where the whole thing was like, all the comedians are tripping.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[C]

You know, and so I was like, yeah, yeah, that's fine. It hit me so fucking hard. I was terrified of horrible. Yeah, it Was awful. And actually the whole. My whole set on drums is online.

[A]

Oh, shit. Hold it up.

[C]

I fully. Matt was with me, and he was not on drums. And I was like, I refuse to go on stage and list Matt Gang on the top.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

Yeah. I'm, like, having a panic attack. And this. I mean, literally the first thing I say in this video is, haha, I'm in a wheelchair.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I've never done trims before.

[A]

Work.

[C]

Okay. Do I just do my job?

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Him sitting there is great too. This is amazing. Jesus.

[C]

And then I, like. I, like, made him hold my hand. And then I was like, I don't want to do this anymore. Matt. Do my jokes. And he started doing my jokes.

[A]

Wow, that's great. Now that's love. Yeah, That's a great story.

[C]

Pretty good.

[A]

Damn. Put all this in the movie where you find the gene therapy guy.

[B]

I really hope this, like, we gotta do. Is there a way we could raise awareness for this? For this cause in any way or, like, you know?

[C]

Yeah. People want to donate to Farah. That's F A. R A is the organization. Oh, that's like, for research.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Wow. Do you ever meet all these people and go, man, these are nerds.

[C]

Oh, my God. A lot of people that pay actually come to my shows.

[A]

Oh, great.

[C]

There are only 5,000 of us in.

[A]

The U.S. oh, is that right?

[C]

Yeah. So I'm pretty special.

[A]

Yeah. You're a minority.

[C]

My bus is extra short. You know.

[A]

That would be a cool tour bus. Is it? You had a short bus.

[C]

Yeah, I agree. That'd be pretty psych.

[A]

Oh, you want another? I don't want to get you trashed here.

[B]

Oh, I mean, we could. I'll. I'll do another if she does another.

[A]

Yeah, I could do one more.

[B]

Half. One more. I don't know. What do we do?

[A]

He's doing a bodega. There we go. Farah free. How do I say Friedrich's? Ataxia.

[C]

Ataxia.

[A]

Ataxia. All right, got it.

[B]

Fara.org okay. Yeah, I mean, please donate to this. This sounds like a important as hell. We want you around, we want you kicking. We want to reverse this. We want you to have a long, long career.

[C]

If y' all don't donate to it, I won't be here to make wheelchair.

[A]

I know we need one now. If you saw another wheelchair comic come in.

[C]

Are you, like, take the ramps down?

[A]

Yeah. You already got to compete with other women.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Let alone other wheelchair.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Have you got any women Comic hate yet.

[C]

Yeah, of course. Of course.

[B]

What kind of stuff?

[C]

It's. No one's like bribing up to say anything to my face, you know, But I've heard a lot of like. Like she only gets booked cuz she's in a wheelchair. Like she's not funny.

[B]

You're very funny.

[A]

You're funny. You got jokes.

[C]

I mean, it's. I could see, I see how they got there, but like, right.

[B]

I had a guy. I had a guy who I knew, I know has talked shit about me, asked me for a favor recently and I did it.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

I did it because I was like, I don't give a.

[A]

A. Wow, that's very mature.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, you know what? He might have done it. And now it's like, it's like what you say, hanging outside the stall. Now he'll feel a little stupid for doing it.

[C]

Yeah, I like that.

[A]

Boy, you're like Charlie Kirk's wife.

[B]

That's not the first time I've heard that. By the way. Many people say I'm like Erica Kirk. Is that her name?

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I think that's it.

[B]

You're gonna get in there, change things up.

[A]

It's next neck. All right, all right. What are we doing? Hopefully it's been a minute since.

[B]

It's been a minute.

[A]

Okay. Damn. Do you see that? That, that memorial? It looked like one of Bargozzi's shows.

[B]

Christians.

[A]

Christians.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Thank you, Peters.

[C]

Thank you so much.

[A]

I like the crushed ice. Nice touch.

[B]

Yeah, I do. Crushed ice is a. A toast to crushed ice.

[A]

Here, here.

[B]

Makes any cocktail better, I say. Oh yeah, I love it.

[A]

Crushed ice. I also like the big cube. I want the big cube. Or the crow. I don't want anything in the middle.

[B]

I'm with you. I don't hate the medium cube, but yeah, big or little is the way to go.

[A]

Way to go.

[C]

I'm glad we're actually talking about the problem. Like we're really getting into it.

[B]

You're talking about Farah. We're just like, here's how I feel about cube. I have some strong opinions.

[A]

Well, Larry David, on you. I have some peeves if we need any peeves too.

[C]

Okay, I got one.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

Please, you go.

[A]

You ladies first.

[C]

This is so stupid, but the way they package string cheese. Oh, why?

[B]

Well, what?

[C]

No one can open it. Like, I know I'm a little retarded, but like, I think it's hard for everyone. It's never changed. Similar to birth control. They haven't fixed it.

[A]

And it's that little labia there. Yeah.

[C]

You have to like take them apart. And I'm like, no. Oh, and I love cheese.

[A]

Yeah, same. And it's fun to string it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm with you. It's like a tampon.

[C]

Yeah. Also very hard to open. You ever tried to put a tampon in your face?

[B]

Many times.

[C]

Real hard.

[A]

That's good because a lot of things have gotten better. Like ketchup has those packets. But then we invented the cup with the lid. With the little rip lid. Yeah.

[C]

Or you can do the top.

[A]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[B]

Hard to open anything. I'll go with, I think.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why are you making it hard to open?

[A]

I know. I guess it's easy to package. But even the. The ketchup used to come in a glass bottle. We'd all do this shit. Remember that?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Knife. Whatever that was. And now it's squeezed. They figured it out. They. They progressed. Yeah. We got to get the cheese to progress. Yeah.

[C]

Why the big string cheese in the combo yet?

[A]

Good. Good one.

[B]

You're on. You're unnoticed string cheese.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One of you changed the it up.

[A]

Yes. You're ableist.

[C]

Yes. I like that.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Is that your go to road snacks, drink cheese?

[C]

Not anymore.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

My go to. I love Taco Bell.

[A]

Oh, that's probably my number one fast food.

[B]

Every club I used to go to would be like, oh, Davitel was just here and like, oh, how was he? Goes great. He killed, maybe made us drive into Taco Bell. I just love that it tells in a car with someone chain smoking on his way to a Taco Bell. Mmm.

[A]

Grande beefer. Yeah. Taco Bell. The Crunchwrap Supreme. When that came out, I probably ate 900 in a year.

[B]

The hot sauce is great too.

[A]

And it's unlimited.

[C]

Do you guys smoke weed?

[A]

Not really.

[C]

No.

[A]

Do you?

[C]

Oh, like medicinally. Honestly, like when I. Matt talks me into bed, gives me a little weed, then I bully him. It's the best way for me to sleep.

[B]

Really.

[A]

I sleep well on it. Yeah.

[B]

I fall asleep, but then I'm like in and out. I'm like kind of.

[C]

Yeah. They say you're not supposed to be able to dream when you smoothly before bed. I dream.

[B]

I hate dreams.

[A]

You hate dreams?

[B]

I have just bad dreams, I guess. I hate nightmares. Dreams are okay.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

But I have just weird dreams.

[A]

Yeah, mine aren't great either.

[C]

I walk in a lot of my dreams.

[A]

Whoa. Crazy.

[B]

What's that? What is that? Like, what does that feel like in the dream?

[C]

Cunty. No. It's weird because when it's happening, I have no idea that it's, like, different than reality.

[A]

Right.

[C]

You know what I mean? And then I wake up, I'm like, damn.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I thought that was real. And, like, this happens sometimes. I wake up and I forget I can't walk. And I, like, go to stand up and I've, like, fallen because I walked for, you know, 21 years.

[A]

Wow. That is crazy. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Benjamin Button. I'm like a baby now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you're going backwards. But I think with this crowd. Workout guy, he'll be walking.

[B]

I am.

[A]

Day.

[B]

How often do you talk to this guy?

[C]

I literally met him on the. September.

[A]

Okay. So recently, 16th. Oh, great. All right.

[C]

Like, it just happened. I was.

[B]

Did he seem really kind of like.

[C]

I mean, he was pumped.

[A]

Hell yeah.

[C]

Yeah. The thing is called, like, Solid Bio or something. Core Solid Bioscience.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[C]

Yeah. Right. Because it kept being like, solid like a rock or whatever because I was kind of drunk, so he was like, please don't forget.

[A]

Solid as a rock. Kevin Taylor.

[C]

Is that. Wait, no. I keep saying the wrong person. He's this chief something. There's so many chief.

[A]

He's Native American.

[B]

Dances with Wolves.

[A]

I hope it's not Bocumbo.

[C]

He's a bald guy.

[A]

Okay. We'll find him. By the way, did you guys see.

[C]

I want to say Tim something.

[A]

Tim.

[C]

Yeah. There he is. Wait, I. Fuck. Wait. Fuck.

[A]

Is that Asian?

[C]

No.

[A]

Ah, shit.

[C]

I wasn't that drowned cute.

[A]

By the way, they said baldness. New York Times just came out with a thing. Baldness is close to curing. Like the actual. They're gonna get ahead of it. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, my God, we're close. He's gonna leave me when he grows there.

[B]

Which way? Which one is it?

[C]

Yes, Dr. Gabriel. Yes.

[A]

Brooks dies. He does.

[C]

And he, like, took a knee to talk to me. It was very sweet.

[A]

Kaepernick.

[B]

I like it.

[C]

Yeah. He was a sweet, sweet man.

[A]

Good on you, Brooks. But. Yeah. Let me ask you this. Some people get successful, they leave their spouse. If you got walking again, would you leave old Maddie back there?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

She would literally walk out of it.

[A]

Yeah, I know. Wow.

[C]

It's up. I can't be a runaway bride.

[A]

I think.

[C]

A roller way bride doesn't hit the.

[A]

Telling you, though, that baldness gear is coming.

[B]

It's coming. Don't tell Veter. I like holding him down.

[A]

It's in the Times. I'm telling you.

[B]

I mean, what's been the coolest thing about just I mean. Cause this happened quickly for you. So what's the coolest thing about it?

[C]

The diseaser comes.

[B]

No, what's the coolest thing about it?

[C]

What's your favorite? I'm really good at parallel bargain.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

It's been a fucking whirlwind. And I'm like. My biggest fear is that it happened too fast. And I'm just like, trying to live up to every opportunity that comes, but also respect that it's a long haul. You know what I mean?

[B]

You write a lot.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Jokes. Which is refreshing.

[B]

She does. I mean, that's the first thing I noticed, is that she had. And even when she was riffing, it was in jokes.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[C]

That means. I mean, to be honest, I didn't think I would ever be like a comedian. I thought only boys could do that.

[A]

And lesbian.

[C]

You're right. I tried. No, it. I got to. I got a degree in graphic design.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

So I used to own a little company.

[A]

What? Women can do that too, apparently.

[B]

You define a lot.

[C]

I'm like, yeah, and you can park. I know. It's kind of the whole baggage or half the baggage or whatever. Yeah. Oh, God. Okay. Some of these photos are terrifying. Yeah. Sit down. Create was the name of my company. And Noah. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, fun. Could. Could you make your own flyers and your own outfits?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. But I won't. I'm very lazy.

[B]

Can I ask you, like, how nervous would you get going on these shows? Because Mark and I talked about this. I don't think there's a show like Kill Tony we ever did coming up where you're like, oh, this. You know, even if we bombed a late night set, we were like, we'll be okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The bombing on that stage is tough.

[C]

Is truly. That will fuck you.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Like, if it's the first time on, you know, fucking msg.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

What's the scariest. I found out I was on MSG four days before it. They forgot.

[B]

You know what the worst part of it too, is? The anticipation. Because it's all. You're all just waiting for one brief moment. And you're literally going through security at the airport. You're on the flight. Yeah. And then you're just. I hope this doesn't suck.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And you can't really pre write. It's all off the dome. Cause you don't know who's coming up.

[C]

Right, Right. Well, then I'm fucking about to go on stage. I'm in the lift or whatever, and everyone that I know backstage is like, you should talk about this or this or this. And I'm like, okay, fuck you. This is the worst. So I feel like, msg. I kind of bombed the interview.

[A]

You what? I saw it Yesterday. You had 4.4 million views on something. So things are working. It took off.

[B]

It's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's working for you.

[A]

You had the elevator joke.

[C]

Yeah. That wasn't even mine, though. I was just sitting there, and everyone's been like, how'd you feel about that? I'm like, if I'm being so honest, I couldn't hear y'.

[A]

All. Oh.

[C]

So I was just like.

[A]

Well, that did well, by the way. I hate. That's a peeve when people go, how'd you feel about that set? Like, you know how I feel. Feel about it? If I killed, you wouldn't ask me how I feel about it. How do you feel? I hate. What are. My therapist feels.

[B]

A bad set.

[C]

It's a worth or. And Bubler, like, hey, don't give up. I love that.

[B]

I thought you were funny.

[A]

Don't listen to them. They sucked.

[C]

Hey, it's a weird night. Yeah, the cat was weird.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think the most. Sometimes I see a comic, I'll be like. I'll be like, oh, man, they suck. You deserve, like, I'll give one of those. Yeah, I don't like that. The other way. I don't like being like you. What the fuck? That's insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just don't say anything.

[A]

I know. Don't listen to them.

[C]

No, my favorite those. When you do see someone, they do, like, mid to bomb level, and they're always the ones that come off stage, and they're like, I crushed.

[A]

So true.

[C]

And I'm like, it's always a man with the mustache. Tell me I'm wrong.

[A]

Yeah, I could see that. All right.

[B]

Oh, no, you didn't say Mark.

[A]

I was gonna throw out a peeve, but I don't want to cut you off.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Go for it. All right, I got two. How about this guy? I've been having this a lot lately. I'm at the airport or something. I'm somewhere, and I see a guy who's like, comedy. Hey, we might be drunk. Whatever. And he goes like this. For the. For the hand dap. And I have stuff in my hands, so I go fist bump. And he just holds the hand out. I think he's like, I'm not fist bumping. We're. We're. We're.

[C]

This is like multiple times this happened.

[B]

To me today, actually. I was on the street?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I was holding a coffee and some. And something else. And a guy was like. And I was like. I was like, I don't have a hand to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You have to accept the fist bump.

[A]

I know. So you end up, like, putting the coffee under the arm. Armpit. You're like, here you go. I'm like, just fist bump me. But I think they don't want to shift from this to this or something. I don't know.

[B]

They're standing the ground.

[A]

I guess so.

[C]

But my equivalent, I'm really bad at, like, handshakes, because you have to be precise.

[A]

Right, right.

[C]

So I'm like, let me just hold still.

[A]

Ah, you come to me. Yeah, I like that.

[C]

I'll do. You do 90. I do 10. You know, just like, oh, who. Okay. I was just at a Belmore Governor's club.

[A]

Oh, jeez.

[C]

And the owner talked to me about y'.

[A]

All.

[C]

Oh, he loves you.

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's a surprise to me.

[C]

He said, last time I was there, they're sweet boys. Sweet boys.

[B]

Did he make sure you ate 400 times, dude.

[C]

I. This. This is.

[B]

Take some food to go. Take more food.

[C]

He goes, he killed Ralphie. May he swear.

[A]

Oh, jeez. Got a hug.

[B]

You feel bad how hard that hit?

[C]

Edit that out. I'm kidding. No, he's, you know, clean cut. Fucking cuticles. Pushback. Fucking dago. Yeah, I'm happy Italian. I'm allowed to say it.

[B]

I can say it, too.

[A]

He's a successful Italian. Yeah, they're handsome Jews. You're successful Italian.

[C]

He's in, like, a tracksuit. You know what I mean?

[A]

Of course.

[C]

So during my set, this fucking dude, he's fucked up. He's on drugs. I don't know, but he's hacking me. But now he's cycling, which is my least favorite, the worst. Cause it's like, you don't want to be like, fuck you. Because he's like, you're so funny. And I'm like, shut up. You know? Come on, Michael, let me be funny. You know? But this guy's being too much. He's being real creepy. He's yelling out stuff about, like, my body and whatever. So at the end of the night, the owner comes out. He's sitting on a stool, and he's talking to me. He's like, you have fun. You know, like, he's just kind of being a guido. And this heckler comes back, and I'm getting a little stressed because he's real touchy. And I'm like, yeah, I'M talking to the owner and he's like, is this guy bothering you? And I was like, he is. And then as I said that, the heckler fucking grabs my head and kiss me right here. And I try. I can't go far. I'm not moving. And the owner, he goes, where the fuck do you just kiss your. I was like, I get on my cheek and he goes, okay. And he had picked up a chair leg.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

He just had a chair leg back there ready to go. I love this, man. I. I was very impressed.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That guy didn't make it to his car. And if it did, it exploded when he started.

[A]

I think that guy's in a wheelchair too.

[C]

My dirts are going to hit real hard now.

[A]

Damn, that's wild.

[B]

Yeah, I've had some. That was one of those clubs, like, early on that I was grateful for. They were, you know, you had those sets, you get on the. You get in the Long Island Race Railroad. Oh, yeah, and Governors. That. But, man, it was work.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. There are animals out there. They will let you know if it ain't funny.

[B]

That's a. That's a club. Governors is a club in same. Not far from brokerage where Seinfeld is like. It's like a fucking different country out there. It's like, you see Seinfeld break.

[A]

Yeah, it's really Alabama. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

My feature. Oh, my God. He crushes every fucking. Like, he's so great.

[A]

All right, Wagner, Justin.

[C]

Yes. Nice. This was the only show. We had just been in Rhode island and did the East Providence, like Comedy Connection.

[A]

Love is Great club.

[C]

Phenomenal show. I loved it. But we had just been in Rhode Island. He gets on stage and Bill Murray goes. And that's long.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And he goes, how are we doing tonight? Rhode Island? Nothing. He doesn't even realize he'd said that. He said it five fucking times. And at some point, some Italian dude. This isn't fucking rota.

[B]

That's like calling a woman Jazzamon.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, they never forgave him. It was so fucking funny.

[A]

That's on him.

[B]

I've done that before.

[A]

I've done.

[B]

That sucks. You just have a couple drinks in you and you. I've confidently been like, thank you, Oklahoma City. They're like, this is Lexington, Kentucky. Been drinking a lot. I've been on the road for a long time.

[A]

Remember that Simpsons? There's some band and they're like, good to be here. And he flips the guitar over and says, springfield, Springfield, we love you.

[B]

It's so fucking relatable.

[A]

So good.

[B]

You're just on the road that hard. You're just like.

[A]

You forget. Yeah. It all blends together.

[B]

Insane to forget, but yeah.

[A]

All right, how about this peeve? This guy. I've stopped you if I've done this one before, but you get the guy who keeps questioning you when you've already given an answer, you know, you go. He goes, oh, shit, I gotta tip the. The bellhop. You got any money? And I go, I got nothing. And he goes, no money. Like I have zero money. He's like, you have nothing. Yeah. That's what nothing means about. If you keep asking me. It doesn't change it. So that was. That drove me great.

[B]

Better him than a homeless guy.

[A]

That's true. That's true.

[B]

You have zero.

[A]

Zero. I have nothing. No money. Nothing on you? No, no, nothing.

[B]

I'll be. I'm indecisive. So I can be annoying like this. We're like, Gary and I are picking seats. We're like, you know, we're on the road. We want to see that DiCaprio movie, the Paul Thomas.

[A]

Is that out?

[B]

It's out this weekend. But we saw it was out. We're backlogging this episode. This is before Mark and I both go to Europe. So we're taping this in September, guys.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Sorry about that, but we didn't touch on topical. Shit. Still works.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, the movie. One battle After Another. Vedor and I are on the road. We wanna see the movie. So we see there's a late Thursday show.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So we're in Rochester. So I was like, I wanna. I was like, dude, let's. So we're like arguing back and forth over the seats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm like, I like these seats. He's like, I like it more to the middle. I'm like, well, it's a three hour movie. What if we have to pee? And it's that type of.

[C]

And that's where you got the handicap seat.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't. I was like two away from the handicap seat.

[C]

I feel better. All right.

[B]

There's like 10 handicap seats in this theater. There's no way 10 handicap people are showing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. How are they getting out of their house? That's crazy.

[B]

10.

[C]

I feel like all my peeps are so specific to me, I'm scared to even say them. Be like, what?

[B]

Damn, Please.

[C]

One of my, like, biggest ones. And it happens every day. It doesn't matter who I'm with. Like, I'll be trekking into a hotel and like, say, mads with me. It's under my name, yada yada. They will not look at me. They only talk to the able bodied person with me. And I fucking hate it.

[A]

Is that a man woman thing?

[C]

No. An able bodied versus disabled. So anyone, like, even a random bitch behind. It's crazy. And like, I tell people. And that's a thing with all disabled people. If a disabled person is talking to you, look at them.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Like, even though it's hard, just try.

[A]

Yeah. Even if they feel bad or something.

[C]

Yeah. Even if they're drooling, just look.

[B]

But this is why I think you've connected with people so well. Is that like they feel seen through your comedy?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I love that shit.

[A]

What?

[C]

I'm such a girl about it. It makes me emotional. I remember when I started comedy, a bunch of open mic bros were like, you're never gonna make it. You think you have a point to make. And I was like, okay, but I.

[B]

Don'T feel that way about you at all.

[A]

No point.

[B]

I don't think it's at all like, I'm just talking. You're just making jokes. You're doing what you're supposed to do. I think that's why when I first saw, I was like, I like this woman immediately. I was like, immediately, like fan.

[A]

And that's why I won't watch your TEDx, because I don't want any message. I just want.

[C]

Yeah, you're like, I'm not trying to learn something.

[B]

But she said she couldn't even get through with that.

[A]

True.

[B]

She's such a comic. She couldn't even get through.

[C]

I panicked. I can't even remember some of the jokes I made. And I was like, oh, they're not supposed to be laughing. Like, God, okay. I snorted.

[A]

I'm in a wheelchair.

[B]

I'm in rooms.

[C]

That's the hardest video to watch.

[B]

Why do you upload it if it's so hard to watch?

[C]

Because I like it. Can't gaminate.

[A]

It is a funny video. I mean, you got to, you got to go for it.

[C]

No, I, I made like a highlight like, reel of like the funny parts of it so you don't have to watch all of it. God, it's. It's a lot. Are those Boo Boom plants or are they.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, they were sent to us as a gift.

[C]

Can I hold it?

[B]

Please touch them. They feel great.

[A]

Yeah, those came out of Chelsea Handler. So there you go.

[C]

Oh, that's awesome.

[A]

Fun, right?

[C]

I like this.

[B]

I also like tits. I think they're great.

[A]

Yeah, they're great.

[B]

I'm a fan of tits.

[A]

Those fakes are big in Nashville. I see a lot of Nashvillians with fake jugs now.

[C]

Yeah, bad ones. A lot like Boltons. You had some stepmoms?

[A]

No, I got a real mom.

[B]

No.

[C]

Oh, you real one.

[B]

I have a stepdad, but I call him dad. Yeah.

[A]

What?

[B]

What was that? That was her face right there. Holy. When. When you said you hate when people.

[C]

Pity you, I was like, yeah, yeah. There's a little do, Sam. She was like a sweet boy. Did he play catch with you?

[B]

Actually, he did not. He's not an athletic guy.

[C]

Oh, yeah, that's hard.

[B]

I had to learn that of my own.

[A]

But all right.

[B]

If I have a kid, I'll play catch with you. You play catch with your kid?

[A]

Oh, I can't wait. Yeah.

[C]

He does it right now, and it is abuse.

[B]

You put a little mitt on him. You just throw a heart ball at him. You gotta catch it. That'd be great if you had, like, a dark side where you just. Sports dad that none of us saw coming.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

You.

[C]

The ball dude.

[B]

Like, we never expected this from Mark. He's so.

[C]

My God. This is my pair. I don't have to joke about this yet, but. Hey. So my dad has been married five times.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

To three women.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He's going back for seconds.

[A]

Doubled up.

[C]

Yo, dude.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

My mom, three kids. Great.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

For her. I guess. And then I shouldn't say her name. Let's say Diane.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Okay, cool. So marries Diane. And she got big fake bolt ons.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Big.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Fucking butterfly.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Tattooed on our brow so you can see her. You get it?

[B]

Weird.

[C]

Yeah. My dad's like, I love this shit.

[B]

This is who he's with right now.

[A]

No, that's number two.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Diane.

[A]

Diane.

[C]

I'm gonna forget. So he marries Diane. He gets their wedding date tattooed on his wrist.

[B]

Classy.

[C]

They get divorced.

[B]

Ah, that tattoo.

[C]

Literally. I know. And he gets a black heart over it for dead. Love. Damn.

[A]

Wait, y'.

[C]

All. He gets married to Diane again.

[A]

That's three.

[C]

New date. Above the black heart. Wait, are you ready? He gets divorced again.

[A]

No, you.

[C]

I know. He turns into a playing card. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They get married again.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is unbelievable.

[C]

That's awesome.

[A]

Black.

[B]

I love it. At a certain point, they don't even. At a certain point, they're like, we don't trust us.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Right?

[C]

Literally married again. New day. It's right the up here. Right above the playing card.

[A]

Jesus.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Oh, we still got one more divorce. Again.

[B]

Of course.

[C]

Now he just wears like a watch over it. For dead love. For not dead love. Wasted time. So that exists. And then he married, let's say Marcia.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

Now he's married to her. Is that five?

[A]

That's five.

[C]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And he's still with Marcia.

[C]

Yeah. Well, I don't know anything anymore. It was just a lot. Diane wouldn't she used to get real mad if we drank her diet Pepsi?

[A]

This is a white trash, right?

[C]

Oh, dude, it was crazy. My dad. No, I shouldn't say all that.

[A]

You've had a couple of drinks.

[C]

I know.

[A]

Going off the R bleep whenever you want. Yeah. He's not going to hear this. He's not a fan.

[C]

He used to be an attorney.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

So I. I do believe that divorces were cheaper.

[A]

Oh, that makes. Right.

[C]

Like you can represent yourself.

[A]

And he probably worked the. The paperwork so he wouldn't get fired.

[B]

Get fired representing yourself. Classy move. Him and Ted Bundy. Yeah.

[A]

Damn. Yeah.

[C]

Is crazy.

[A]

Well, bad guys always pull women like these kind of.

[C]

Dude, my dad is very good looking.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Very good looking, very smart, very funny. And I hate to give all those compliments.

[B]

Sociopathic funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I mean, dude, if he was sitting here with us. You like him more than me.

[B]

There's nothing a chance. No. Knowing this about him, I can't. I would have never like him.

[C]

I think you feel like she's mad at you. This guy rocks.

[A]

Have you. Have you seen the Charlie Sheen doc?

[C]

Not yet.

[A]

Reminds me of Charlie Sheen a little bit.

[C]

Leah.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's just like plenty of wives, drugs, booze, tattoos.

[B]

But the. But he didn't walk out on a kid. I think that's. That's a pretty shitty thing to do for a parent.

[C]

Dude. The one that breaks my heart the most is my little brother. He's the only boy.

[B]

But your older sister talks to him, but you and your brother don't. Why did. How is she able to talk to him?

[C]

I. Honest to God, there is something weird that happens with the oldest sibling. Like she was just as much dismissed and like maybe even more fucked up shit than me, if I'm being honest. Yeah, but she like needs daddy's approval way more than me and my brother do. My little brother. God bless him. I love that Liam Collie. His music name is Archie Summers.

[A]

Archie Summers.

[C]

He's very good.

[B]

So like Instagram would be Archie Summers.

[C]

Yes. So he got diagnosed as well? Oh, about a year ago.

[A]

What are the odds?

[C]

Literally, I don't even know the numbers. It's. That's my brother. How sweet is that guy?

[A]

Great head of hair.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Very nice.

[C]

Yeah, he's goofy as hell. I love him. But he got diagnosed like a year ago. And my dad never reached out. Nothing.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

No reach out to you at all either. What a piece of.

[A]

I know. Can we pull him up? I want to see.

[C]

No, no, don't pull them.

[A]

All right.

[C]

For us we can, but don't put down.

[A]

No, I don't want to give him any shine, but I just curious how handsome he is.

[C]

Do you want to see him?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Can I.

[A]

Don't show this to the folks at home. There you go. Bleep.

[B]

No, I think he spelled it wrong.

[C]

No, that's it.

[A]

Oh, sorry.

[B]

Okay. I thought she said something else.

[A]

Oh, wait a minute.

[C]

What the.

[A]

Oh, wait.

[C]

That's so funny. It's all me.

[A]

You're good. You won.

[C]

You beat him. I like that. The.

[A]

The ether. There he is.

[C]

No.

[A]

Oh, God. I was about to say that.

[C]

Take away being a collie. Dad. Sorry. I'm too pretty and cool. That. Wait, that's not end.

[A]

That's not the jeweler.

[C]

Oh, he's on the last picture.

[A]

Oh, he is handsome. I know. Let's see. Damn.

[B]

He's in a little bit.

[A]

It's like a politician.

[C]

Yeah, he's very good looking.

[A]

Imagine him 20 years ago.

[C]

Looks like Robert M. I know, y'.

[A]

All.

[C]

My mom is hotter than he is, though. My mom is. Okay. I kind of don't want them to know.

[A]

She'S the dago. Yeah, got it.

[B]

That is an Italian last name.

[C]

Look at that base. That's my mom.

[A]

I met her at the Garden.

[B]

She is with the real house wife. She's hot.

[C]

I know, I know. And that was a W. Or she was a D1 athlete.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

For basketball.

[A]

I'll give her a D1. Put a muffler on.

[C]

She is a. I just honk so hard. I think you have free drinks at sex.

[A]

I'm gonna get it. Yeah. Hello, Mom. Look at that. Hubba hubba.

[C]

Damn.

[A]

Her on next week.

[C]

She's hot. Look at that. She turned 60 in a couple days. Isn't that crazy?

[A]

MILF alert. Now who's got the bed?

[C]

Jeans. Yeah, both of them.

[B]

It's like them together.

[C]

Yeah, she could have anyone else.

[A]

The odds. Horrible.

[C]

Yeah, they're kind of insane. Oh, they're pretty. I'm obsessed with their great jet black Hair, Italian as fud.

[B]

You guys talk a lot.

[C]

We talk multiple times a day, every day.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

Yeah, I've never seen that hot ass head shot. The first one you pulled. Hold up.

[A]

Yeah, me neither. Look at that.

[C]

Look, I'll see you later.

[B]

Is she like in the new Batman movie?

[C]

This? Sorry.

[B]

Jesus.

[C]

Yeah, I keep talking about how hot my mom is on every podcast. I'm going to create a problem.

[B]

People are going to put it together.

[A]

Yeah, well, we're Southern, you know, incest culture.

[C]

Wait, you're from New Orleans?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait, I'm at Skank Fest.

[A]

Oh, I'll see you there.

[C]

Have you ever been to one?

[A]

Yeah, I've been every single one they've had.

[C]

Dude, this my first one. I have a lot of fears in my heart.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Sounds crazy.

[A]

I mean, it's crazy, but it's. You'll be fine. Everyone who puts this like January 6th meets Juggalo meets Comic Con vibe on peaceful. Yeah, they're peaceful people. They're respectful. They look like hell, but you're gonna have a blast. They're gonna treat you real nice. The shows will be horrible. Great. Jet Ski Johnson's going.

[C]

Oh, yeah, I love Jazz Key. Matt has her hoodie.

[A]

Oh, yeah, I saw you wearing that yesterday.

[B]

Where are you going? Where are you? Coming up on the road.

[A]

Oh, yeah, like right now.

[C]

Oh, look at my dumb face.

[B]

I love you on Punch up.

[A]

Yeah, Mania Beach.

[B]

Oh, Miami Improv's great.

[A]

Hell yeah, dude.

[C]

Miami. Don't fuck with me. They know I can't swim.

[B]

So we got Dania Beach. Yeah, that's great. The Fort Lauderdale Improv is a great club.

[A]

Doral, that's basically Miami. Yeah, it's like Franklin in Nashville.

[B]

St. Petersburg. December 5th. December. December 6th. Then Louisville, Kentucky. Oh, that's cool. I've done that. Club Louisville. Oh, yeah, Louisville.

[C]

I'm sorry, Louisville.

[B]

Get mad here. Slur it.

[C]

You kind of gotta have my accent to say it.

[B]

Fort Wayne, Indiana, at Summit City Comedy Club. Nice. Appleton, Wisconsin, at Skyline. Man, they got you jumping around. Then Chandler, Arizona. Mike Dropmania. You're on the road. You're hitting it hard. I love it. San Diego Mic Drop Comedy in January.

[C]

This is the first time I'm learning about.

[A]

Plano, Texas.

[C]

Yeah, I'm starting to do weekends.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

It's how you grow as a comic.

[C]

I'm very excited. I will say the thing, like, definitely Brad Diggas to my show. I'd love to see a. I won't roll over your toes, but this I know it's kind of nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, we can stress.

[A]

Weekends are great because we'll do like a Friday in Vegas, Saturday in Denver, and you gotta fly and jump around and get on a bus. The weekend, you get like, you're there Thursday till Sunday, you get work done.

[B]

It's nice.

[C]

Yeah. I'm excited to be able to get, like, friendly with our.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Good point.

[C]

Girls, I need to know.

[A]

Yeah, I think. Are you out? You good?

[C]

Oh, you're right. You're right.

[A]

There's one swig. Get in there.

[C]

Just by wash. Sip it.

[A]

All right, well, yeah, Check out Fiona. You don't have a pod yet.

[C]

I do. It's got a rampant up.

[A]

Ramping up. I love it.

[B]

I love the title.

[C]

Yeah. No, G. We couldn't afford it.

[B]

Call me.

[C]

Yeah, Fiana. Call me. It's like, Fanta. Call you. Dumb. Yeah, it's me and Matt. It's real fun. I love it. All right, subscribe.

[A]

Yeah, check out Ramp it up at.

[B]

The end of the year. So. Yeah, so I'm going back to Salt Lake City for a second. Wise guys. November 14th through 16th and Reno, Nevada.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Two shows. The Atlantis Casino. And then December 4th, Carnegie Hall. I hope.

[C]

That's amazing.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Punch up dot Live. San Morrell.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wish I went with you. Jimmy Carr did our pod and he was like, come on. I was like, I'm tired.

[A]

He went, no, I've done the Reno one. Oh, it's fun. It's. It's big. Yeah, but it's fun.

[B]

Why Ain't selling those out?

[A]

But.

[C]

Hey, you might.

[A]

You might. Lincoln Theater in D.C. chocolate City. Kodak center in Rochester. Niagara Falls, San Diego. Prior Lake, Minneapolis. I'm taking a. Taking a breather after I shoot this special.

[B]

Hopefully. Hopefully we shoot something else.

[A]

Yes. I can't. That's my promo code.

[C]

That's awesome.

[B]

But, yeah, follow Fiona on social media and see her on the road and listen to a podcast. She's great. And yes, it's great to. I never, really, like, chat with you.

[C]

I know.

[A]

And check out her TedX.

[C]

Yeah, it should be out when this comes out.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Drink bodegacat whiskey. Bodegacatwhisky.com.

[C]

God.

[B]

Like it?

[C]

It's so good. Matt's obsessed with it. He's chugging a bottle back there.

[A]

Hell, yeah. You guys out and about tonight?

[C]

You doing anything we want to? I'm thinking. What do we think?

[B]

Come by the Cellar.

[C]

Yeah. Are you all headed?

[B]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna go up there.

[C]

I think I want to see Derek Stroop. But the show started at 6.

[A]

Oh, I know. He's only one show.

[C]

Well, it's his show.

[A]

Oh, he's doing an hour.

[C]

He's doing an hour.

[A]

Damn. Well, you're there. I'm there late. I'm there. Like, I'm there early.

[B]

He's there late. So you'll see if you come early or late. You'll see one of us.

[A]

Yeah, we'd love to have you. All right. Thank you, Fiona.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Take it easy, folks. Queef it up. Comedy Sunday's the day for my next.

[C]

Your juice.

[A]

Close.

[C]

I've had a little too much burping and Norman's talking shit about the fucking.

[A]

Punk and I get down in the.

[C]

Same way up on the roof like a cop's coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember and I get down in the same way we might be true.