Ep 259: Daniel Sloss - Thanksgiving Treat

Summary

We Might Be Drunk – Ep 259: Daniel Sloss - Thanksgiving Treat

Date: November 24, 2025
Hosts: Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Guest: Daniel Sloss

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Episode Overview

Comedians Sam Morril and Mark Normand sit down with Scottish stand-up Daniel Sloss for a booze-soaked, hilarious, and surprisingly genuine Thanksgiving episode. The three riff on comedy careers, international touring, the weirdness of American and British culture, dark humor, parenting pitfalls, drug tales, and the mechanics of the comedy world. They deliver both raucous laughs and candid takes on life, art, and family—showcasing friendship, candor, and the odd profundity that can spring up over drinks.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Thanksgiving & Being Away from Family (00:06–03:02)

• Sam and Mark welcome Daniel with Thanksgiving wishes and pour McLeod’s whisky. Conversation quickly turns wry and self-deprecating, Daniel noting gym visits keep him from "killing myself" when away from his new family.
• Quote (Daniel, 00:13): “It’s only so I don’t kill myself.”
• Daniel reflects on the challenge of being away from family, trying not to slip into old “wake up and smoke weed until 1” habits.

2. Travel & Comedy Internationally (02:55–06:16)

• Daniel is recognized as one of the most traveled comics, rivaled by Jean Marco and Jimmy Carr.
• Talks about how early YouTube comics like Russell Peters and Pablo Francisco broke European audiences.
• Daniel’s own breakout came from Conan appearances and building an international audience, but early tours were rough—expats are “vermin,” he jokes, often unappreciative of local culture.
• He recounts performing in Lithuania and discovering European audiences had seen almost all material already online.
• Quote (Sloss, 05:00): “There’s no worse person than a British expat—you’re in Singapore eating fresh noodles and they’re like, ‘Can’t get a good burger in this country.’”

3. Bombing Overseas & Cultural Comedy Barriers (06:17–08:34)

• Both Daniel and Mark share stories about bombing in Scandinavia, noting overly polite crowds and unique “internal laughers,” especially in Finland.
• Cultural stereotypes are dissected, with Mark commenting on the “saddest of Scandinavians.”
• They riff on dark Scandinavian films and the absurdity of "vampire shit" in those cultures.

4. Horror Movies, Fear, & Imagination (08:34–10:03)

• The comics share thoughts on horror movies versus real-life fear.
• Daniel admits imagination makes horror stick with him: “Put a scary movie on and I’ll think about that in bed, even though I don’t believe in ghosts.”

5. Teen Sex, Babysitter Lore, & Gender Double Standards (10:04–12:11)

• Tangent about the recurring trope of boys and babysitters veers into a discussion of double standards and legal gray areas.
• Jokes about parental responsibility, sex work, and “incel” culture are mixed with dark humor.
• Quote (Sloss, 11:10): “Not helping my son get laid. He’s got my second name. If that doesn’t do it, you don’t deserve it.”
• Lighthearted roasting of how gay culture has more positive nicknames for unattractive men (“bear” vs. “incel”).

6. Parenting, Babies & Surreal Dad Stuff (13:10–14:46)

• Daniel gives a hilariously frank warning to Mark about fathering a daughter, explaining the challenges dads face with newborns, especially when changing diapers.
• Doug Stanhope’s bit about “baby vaginas” comes up, blending comedy and personal experience.

7. Comedy Road Life, Children, and Stand-up Process (17:47–21:58)

• Daniel reflects on the impact of fatherhood on his stand-up and touring schedule, detailing how the urge to be home wars with the need to perform.
• He describes losing his performance edge after an eight-month break and the difficulty of rebuilding material and confidence.
• The trio discuss the ethics and process of repeating material, workshopping shows, and fan expectations.
• Quote (Sloss, 21:06): “When I started, I thought, never repeat jokes at a venue. Thankfully, an older comic told me, ‘That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.’”

8. Edinburgh, Weed, and British vs. American Travel Stereotypes (22:23–24:06)

• Comparison of US and UK views on travel, noting the vastness of America.
• Daniel pushes back against lazy travel stereotypes and describes the normalization of weed in Scotland.

9. Fentanyl, Cocaine, and Vegas Stories (24:06–30:44)

• The dangers of American drug culture are contrasted with the UK; Daniel hilariously recounts his Vegas bachelor party, smuggling in a comic-procured 100 grams of cocaine, and the “testing” process: “He must’ve racked up almost a full gram… 25 minutes later, we were like, that’s good enough for us.”
• The party included edibles, gambling, drinking, a helicopter tour—culminating in a coked-out roast in an MGM Grand penthouse, captured on video (that’ll never see the light).

10. Comedy Circuits – UK, Europe, US (31:01–38:20)

• Discussing communities, drug use backstage, and the differences in touring, Daniel reminisces about performing alongside idol comics like Glenn Wool and recounts “doing coke off what was supposed to be Hitler’s toilet.”
• Riffs on the oddities of traveling comics, hostile or insular audiences (Barcelona), and the surprisingly positive vibe of Portugal’s scene.

11. Bathroom Innovations & European Customs (35:19–39:12)

• Hilarious debate on bidets, Japanese toilets, foot-pedal flushers, and the “poo inspection shelf” in Austria.
• Quote (Sloss, 37:12): “If you set the angle right of your sphincter, you can have a slight enema…it’s great.”

12. Voting, Politics & Social Commentary (39:12–41:24)

• The trio comment on compulsory voting laws in Australia, the absence of buffer holidays in the UK, and the power of the “middle” vote.
• Singapore’s social security system is compared to the US, with a focus on mandatory savings and strict punishments for crime.
• Quote (Sloss, 39:00): “If you’ve got adult diapers, it’s time you don’t get to vote anymore.”

13. First US Comedy Experiences, Thanksgiving Memories (42:00–43:54)

• Daniel’s first US club show was at Denver Comedy Works, which led to an unexpectedly warm Thanksgiving invite from the staff, giving him a new appreciation for the holiday.
• Quote (Sloss, 43:44): “The idea of giving your thanks, pretty gay… But hearing people talk about their family and what they were grateful for, I was like, oh man, I understand this holiday.”

14. Comedy and Drinking Traditions (45:30–46:18)

• Discussion of Thanksgiving as a drinking holiday, used to buffer Christmas and cope with complex family dynamics.
• Mark talks about growing up with his mom inviting an eclectic cast to Thanksgiving: “It was always an awkward Thanksgiving, but it was fun.”

15. Best Holiday & Crying Movies (50:52–54:32)

• The comics recommend favorite Christmas and holiday films (“Klaus,” “Jingle All The Way,” “Daddy’s Home 2”), with Daniel and the hosts sharing the movies that reduce them to tears.
• Daniel is a fan of crying at movies, including “Hidden Figures” and “The Greatest Showman.”

16. Comedy Legends, Stand-up Heroes & Panel Shows (64:00–74:31)

• Extended talk about Bill Cosby, Eddie Murphy’s “Raw,” and how legends like Chris Rock and Doug Stanhope approached testing new material.
• Daniel discusses UK panel shows, Jimmy Carr’s work ethic and tax scandal, and the difference between American and British comedy circuits.

17. Russell Brand Allegations (69:10–76:37)

• Daniel reveals he was the lone comedian to appear in the UK’s Russell Brand documentary. He tells of Roast Battle tapings where comics were forbidden to joke about Brand’s sexual history, years before public allegations.
• Explains Brand’s pivot from leftist, spiritual rhetoric to right-wing grifting as a survival strategy after allegations mounted.

18. Roasting the Spanish, Accents, and UK Slang (84:34–91:33)

• Daniel rants about Spanish culture and cuisine, then the guys deep dive into unique UK insults and slurs, discussing accents from Liverpool (“horrific accent!”) to Birmingham and regional slang like “Glasgow kiss” and “poof.”
• Quote (Sloss, 86:20): “Liverpool is very lucky Birmingham exists for worst accent in the UK.”

19. Podcast & Clip Culture, Liverpool’s Hot Water Club (85:02–86:03)

• Credit given to US comics for innovating with online stand-up clips; Paul Smith and the Hot Water Club in Liverpool are cited as UK trailblazers in this format.
• Daniel praises the Liverpool and Glasgow scenes, the power of viral crowd work, and the way clubs support comics.

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Notable Quotes & Funniest Moments

• On British expats: “There’s no worse type of person in the world than a British expat.” (Sloss, 04:33)
• On performing in Lithuania: “Any joke you’ve done on the internet, we’ve all seen.” (Lithuanian audience member, 06:07)
• On American travel critique: “You know 40% of Americans don’t own passports? ... You know how big America is?” (Sloss, 23:18)
• On ‘testing’ party coke: “We all just watched him rail it... 25 minutes later, we were like, that’s good enough for us.” (Sloss, 26:40)
• On the function of horror movies/porn: “Horror movies: it's how fucked up your imagination is. Porn: you're like, this could happen.” (Mark/Sloss, 09:58)
• On festive excess: “Thanksgiving through the end of the year might be the most hardcore drinking part of the year.” (Sam, 45:32)
• On UK club traditions: “Comedy on State’s a great one... Epic. And I love Liverpool, it's a shame about the horrific accent.” (Sloss, 86:12)
• On UK slurs: “Poof is fun... Homophobia. The original homophobes came out with some banging slurs.” (Sloss, 88:58)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• (00:06) - Thanksgiving/Intro/Drinking whisky
• (02:55–06:16) - Daniel’s comedy travels and YouTube era
• (10:04–12:11) - Babysitter double standards & incel/sex work riffs
• (13:10–14:46) - Surreal advice for new fathers; Doug Stanhope story
• (24:06–30:44) - Fentanyl, coke, and Daniel’s wild Vegas bachelor party
• (42:00–43:54) - Daniel’s first US club show; his only American Thanksgiving
• (69:10–76:37) - Daniel details involvement in Russell Brand documentary
• (84:34–91:33) - Scorching takes on Spanish culture, slurs, and regional UK slang

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Daniel Sloss’s Upcoming Shows & Travels

• Touring UK and Europe (Turkey, Budapest, Vienna)
• American tour to be announced for October 2026
• Recommendations for comedians interested in India: go through DeadAnt for proper exposure

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The Comedy Cellar & “Imposter Syndrome” (65:41–67:03)

Daniel expresses feeling like an imposter at the Comedy Cellar, despite support from staff and comics. Sam and Mark reassure him: “You’re funnier than half of them. Get over there.”

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Final Thoughts

This episode blends the boozy, anything-goes spirit of “We Might Be Drunk” with genuinely insightful glimpses into international comedy, cultural quirks, dark humor, and the real-life pressures of family, fame, and creativity. Sloss shows his warmth and sharp edge, while Sam and Mark keep the energy playful—even when venturing into edgier territory. Essential listening for comedy nerds and those who love seeing how stand-up can break borders (and taboos) alike.

Transcript

[A]

Happy Thanksgiving.

[B]

Hey. Hey. We might be drunk. We're here. Daniel Sloss. Everybody looking fit too.

[C]

Look at that. Thanks, man.

[A]

You're in the gym.

[C]

Yes. It's only so I don't kill myself.

[A]

Yes, me too.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm one of those.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

There's those who are like the vanity lifters and there's like, I just gotta sweat out gin.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, mine is a bit. There's certainly a bit of added to it, but I'm here for two weeks. It's the longest I've been away from my family since they became like a full family. So I'm just like. If I. If I regressed what I used to be before I was a father, I would be drinking until 3am, waking up and smoking weed until 1.

[A]

Let's get you there.

[B]

Yeah, that's why we're here.

[A]

I think we start with the McKellen.

[C]

McAllen's a fucking unbelievable.

[A]

Oh, no, McLeod's.

[B]

McLeod's.

[C]

McLeod. McLeod.

[A]

28 years old.

[B]

Hey, that's legal.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Now we're talking.

[C]

Almost a bit too old.

[A]

Yeah. A little to it. It's a little. That's what Leonardo Gabriel, past human trafficking.

[B]

Prime, I would say.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, the numbers you're getting for a 20 year old, 28 year old is. Is much, much lower.

[B]

You got to hand to these traffickers, cuz you'd think you'd see some of these buses going back and forth, but they hide them pretty well.

[A]

They put Bert's poster on it. Oh, they're fully loaded too.

[B]

I just got that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Also, if you need any, you know, fucking advice on how to traffic women. Andrew Tate, 90%. 90% of his podcasts.

[B]

Is it.

[A]

I've never listened.

[C]

It's like all the accusations that came out about him being a human trafficker are from just podcasts where he tells you exactly what. How he gets women into sex work, how he makes sure they're isolated from their friends.

[A]

It's like a rapper on trial for murder. He's like, I haven't shot anyone. They're like, roll the music.

[C]

Yeah. Really? Because you filmed two seasons of I Murdered this bitch.

[A]

It smells pretty good.

[B]

All right, should we do you.

[A]

What do you say?

[C]

No, I.

[A]

It's too good for ice, right?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm. I don't want to be too. I. I can get. I can get occasionally pretentious about whiskey.

[B]

We got enough ice in this country. All right. You don't do Thanksgiving over there across the pond.

[C]

No. Nor Fourth of July. You know?

[B]

Right. That makes sense.

[C]

It was when you. It was when you beat us.

[B]

It's a little awkward. Great to see you. Sl. 12 years sober down the drain.

[A]

Holy. That's amazing.

[C]

Oh, that is gorgeous.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's smooth as. Wow.

[C]

So this is your producer working. I have the worst mic technique in the game for a professional comedian.

[A]

Are you good? Oh, was it? Oh, you came in all right.

[C]

I saw you came in and fixed it. I regularly on podcasts afterwards, people have been like, have you ever done a fucking podcast in your goddamn life? Do you know how microphones work? Do you think it's there?

[B]

There you go. Having some.

[C]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

So you. You're like the. Maybe the most world traveler of any comedian.

[C]

Jean Marco's giving me a run for my money now. Also Jimmy Carr. Well, Jimmy Carr's all over it. Fluffy was unbelievable. Everywhere I've been in the world.

[A]

But he doesn't have long, you know, so it's going to be you.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Before, when we started doing Europe and stuff, the people that were regularly ahead of me by several years were. It was like Russell Peters, Pablo Francisco, any of the ones that got famous from OG YouTube days. The people that just worked out, they're like, okay, I might burn an hour by putting fucking it out there, but there's no other way for it to hit Europe. I mean, that's. Pablo Francisco toured, was doing like a thousand, two thousand seater in Sweden back in like 2018, sorry, twenty 2008, I want to say.

[A]

Wow. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Because I know the promoter who does out there. And he was just. And he was not a promoter before Pablo got out there. He just chanced his fucking luck. Message to whoever Pablo's agents were and were like, I can probably set up a couple of gigs in Sweden. Blacked his way fully into it. Still a promoter now promote for Bill Burr, but he blacked his fucking way in.

[B]

Damn. What was your move? You got. Just get on American TV or YouTube or. What was it?

[A]

He was on Conan back in the. Remember Conan.

[B]

Conan sets.

[C]

Conan was a big sort of booster. But what really me up is like, so did Conan a couple of times. And then my agent was like, do you want to tour Europe? And I'm like, no, I don't want to go to a place where like, there's no worse type of person in the world than a British expat.

[A]

Right?

[C]

They are vermin, whatever country they are in.

[B]

Right?

[C]

The worst. Why is it because they'll sit. They'll sit in fucking Spain Or France. And they'll complain about the culture. I've done gigs in Singapore to fucking expats, right? Where you can get like fresh made Singaporean noodles from a guy like fucking cutting all this wheat into a boiling bowl of fresh fucking broth. And then you'll gig to British people and they're like, you can't get a good burger in this country, right? And you're like, fucking kill yourself, man.

[B]

Oh, New York didn't do that.

[A]

We do that.

[B]

You're kicking a slice of pizza in LA at 4am what the hell?

[C]

It's like, what do you think?

[A]

Fuck everywhere now.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

There's a place that's figured it out in every city.

[C]

You gotta experience other countries, man.

[B]

Exactly.

[C]

And then when I did Europe for the first time, I think Lithuania was one of our first gigs. And my opener went out smashed. I went on first joke, best joke. I had just fucking silence. And I was like, what the fuck? So I then, like, do a joke about acknowledging the lack of laughter, round of applause. And I'm like, okay, good, I got them back. And then I do. I'm like, okay, well, let's keep them in. I'll do my second best joke. Goes out, fucking silence. And when I make a joke about that off the cuff, they fucking lose their minds. And I'm like, is this fucking opposite world? Wee little Lithuanian guy in the front row just sticks his hand up as I do the setup for my third joke. And I go, yeah. He goes, any joke you've done on the Internet, we've all seen. Because like, that's any joke that you've done on Conan or anything like this, we've all seen. Because that's how we watch British and American stand up.

[B]

Right?

[C]

We watch it all online.

[A]

But if I see a bit, I'll usually laugh again.

[B]

Yeah. If it's been a minute, you know, it's been a couple weeks.

[C]

Oh, I think this was pretty.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I agree. I, you know, I listen to and watch stand up specials repeatedly.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

You know, two or three times a year, depending on who's as good. I've watched Nick Mullen special three times. Just because I think it's. Especially when you're fucking stoned.

[B]

Yes. French and Indian war must have been the smallest war of all time.

[C]

What were they playing over the Febreze, folks? Can you imagine the smell? Oh, God, it kills me. Also, they're bullying Stephen Hawking, everyone. Look, with the nerds watching gay porn.

[B]

I was just in Finland and I'm kind of struggling Helsinki and, you know, full house kind of struggling. It might be a thousand people there. And then at some point I was like, whoa, okay, you guys are tough. And then this guy raised his hand in the front row and I go, what's up? And he goes, why don't more comedians come here? And I was like, have you seen the reaction? I mean, I'm pulling out the A stuff here.

[A]

It's almost when a crowd member raises his hand. You're too polite to kill that. To kill in that room.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No one in America is just like. Who's like, excuse me, may I have the floor? No, they just fucking heckle, you know, like, you want that kind of energy. You don't want them to think too much. I feel like that's a dude who thought.

[B]

Yeah, good point.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Also, the Finnish are internal laughers because they're the saddest of the Scandinavians.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And they will open, only admit that. And it's because they're the one that's going to be on, like, the front line against Russia. They've always. They've always had one eye on the border. Be like, these, these, these. Just because they're an international trade doesn't mean they've stopped being bastards.

[B]

Right. And they keep. They keep saying we're the hap. They're the happiest people in the world. That's what the Internet says.

[C]

I'm like, on the inside, they're the happiest.

[B]

But I think the sandwiches killed themselves. So, like, the other ones are just dead. They kill themselves.

[A]

Are kind of dark. Yeah. Have you seen their movies? They're fucking the darkest.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

You ever see that movie, Speak no Evil?

[C]

No, I can't do.

[A]

God. Ending is a darkish. I couldn't believe it.

[B]

Yeah. That's too much for me.

[A]

All you need to know about this movie is it's run on Hershberg's favorite movie.

[B]

Oh, geez.

[A]

And that's all you have to know that you leave going, what the fuck? Yeah.

[C]

Why?

[B]

That's gross. And also they. They do a lot of vampire shit over there.

[A]

A lot of vampire shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at the screaming. You know, bad shit's happening just from that still. Yeah.

[C]

That James McAvoy, he's in the.

[A]

America. He's in the remake, second version with a different ending, by the way. Oh, Hollywood ending for that one. I hope I didn't give too much away, but you. I gave it all away.

[C]

Oh, well, I'm not. I Can't watch good movies. I'm a big, big.

[A]

I don't like scary movies usually either, but he pushed me on it. He's like, you have to. I have friends who love scary movies, and they don't take no for an answer. Yeah, you gotta. What? You like movies, you gotta watch them. Like, I don't.

[C]

I think it's like, I love roller coasters. And I understand some people don't like fucking roller coasters, but, like, there's something in. There's just something in the goddamn brain. I think that people who like horror, they just tickles you like real fear.

[A]

That's weirder to me.

[B]

Oh, yeah, true.

[C]

Oh, no, man. I fucking. I trust a bunch of pokies. Whoever built the machine, you know, it's Mark. It's Mark. Fear, like, I've Roller coasters aren't leaving my imagination to do most of the work. Like, it's a direct experience of fear. I'm strapped and I get it. Horror movies is. They're like, how fucked up your. How fucked up is your imagination? I'm like, brave fucked up, man. Please don't play with that. If you put a scary movie on, I will think about that in bed. Even though I don't believe in ghosts, even though I'm not fucking scared of any of that shit. My imagination's like, well, there was a movie about it, and on the flip.

[B]

Side, it's why you like porn.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, this could happen. And I'm thinking about it in bed.

[C]

This could be me.

[A]

It won't, but it could.

[B]

It could.

[A]

As a kid, it made you stick around that. That when she calls you after class a little too long, you're like, let's see.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Just in case. I don't think it's going to happen, but let's see.

[B]

The babysitter's coming.

[C]

You never know one way or another.

[B]

I knew a guy who banged the babysitter. He was like, Really? 8th grade or whatever.

[C]

Oh, and is she in jail now? Oh, sorry. Or is he.

[B]

No, I don't think it was a different time. It was the 90s, you know, you could a young boy and you were like a hero.

[A]

What was the age difference?

[B]

I think it was like that Mulaney joke where it was like a horse watching a dog. You know, it was probably. She was probably like 14 and he was 8. Hold on. She was probably.

[A]

That's an outright cry.

[C]

Like, you're not even a horny.

[B]

Sorry. She was probably 18, he was 14. Something like that. Still Illegal. But he was into it.

[A]

I mean, the parents paid for a prostitute.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

They thought they were going to babysit. That's a prostitute.

[C]

Good point, man. There's a bunch of, like, stories about that in the UK of, like, dads who buy their son, like, a sex worker on their neighborhood.

[A]

Yeah, fuck that.

[B]

Earn it, dude.

[C]

Fuck, yeah. I'm not helping my son get late. He's got my second name. If that doesn't do it, you don't deserve. Or asshole. Whatever he's into.

[B]

Right? Right.

[C]

You know, if he wants to. But if he's gay, he's not gonna have trouble getting lazy.

[B]

No, that's easy.

[C]

Even the ugliest gays, if they want it, they're getting it.

[A]

They get fun nicknames.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You're a bear. There's no straight nickname for an ugly straight.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[C]

Intel.

[A]

But that's not a good one.

[B]

Comedian.

[A]

A bear is positive.

[B]

Yeah, a bear.

[A]

What else is positive? What else is otter? Otter. It's all positive. That's what twinks are.

[C]

Better than slur. But people like it.

[A]

But they have twink fetishes. They do like it.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

No one has an incel. Fetish.

[C]

If they did, there wouldn't be a problem.

[A]

No girl's like, you know what? I really want to fuck a dude who plays call of duty 12 hours a day. That'd be awesome.

[C]

I want to fuck a man who hates me.

[A]

Maybe. Actually, some of them do.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There was a serial killer fetish, right?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

But is that being. Is that being fucked, though? Or is that just like.

[B]

Also, Serial killers get shit done. Incels don't. They just sit in their room.

[C]

But serial killers knows your body. If anyone's gonna. Anyone's finding the clip, it's a man who's cut off.

[A]

Well, the serial killers, they like them, but they don't like the mass shooters.

[C]

No skills. Too easy. Yeah, there's no skill. Serial killerless.

[A]

Well, because they're willing to commit to one at a time.

[B]

Right? And Ted Bundy's representing himself in court. He's getting done.

[A]

Yeah, he did.

[C]

He's escaped his own. They just left. Back in the days when they just left windows open, police stations.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Like, they really. They really were, like, daring you to escape back then.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

They're like, we're just gonna go take a lunch break.

[C]

Well, remember the American police force was started by the Irish, so there's going to be some gaping fucking holes.

[A]

In.

[C]

This system for a while.

[B]

That's true. But yeah. Wait, how did we get on this? Oh, the babysitter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. That is pretty hot.

[C]

What gender baby did you get?

[B]

A boy.

[C]

You got a boy? Boys are good. Yes, boys are good. I got one of each.

[B]

Nice. That's what I'm hoping for. We're hoping for another one.

[C]

If you do have a girl, this is gonna sound like really, really fucked up advice. But I just need you to mentally prepare. Cause nobody warns me, don't fuck it, don't do it.

[B]

Good.

[C]

I need you to look me in the eyes and tell me you're not gonna do it.

[B]

I'll get a babysitter for this.

[C]

Baby. Vaginas are fuck. They're fucked. Like, they come out, like, swollen. They come out. Cause every part of a baby is super small. It's a baby, and then the vagina comes out and you're like. And they just send you in. Your job as a dad is to change the first fucking diaper. If your wife just pushed out a fucking baby, you'd be on point there. And a dick. It's easy to wipe shit off of a dick. Ask any gay guy. But, like, when you get, like, a baby, it's swollen. You gotta wipe down and away. You can't get it. If you get any shit in that thing there, like, infections, infections, it gets bad. And. Oh, nobody, nobody prepared me.

[B]

Oh, the real meat. PETA.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Doug Stanhope used to have an excellent line. And it always made me laugh before I was a dad just because it was a funny visual. And it wasn't until my daughter was born that I went, oh, fuck. He was like, somebody been punched in the eyes. Punched in the eye. And he was like, it was swollen like a baby's. And I always just laughed at that for how just like a visceral image it was in my head.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Normally, the first thing you're meant to feel when you look at your daughter for the first time is, God, I love my daughter. I'm like, this reminds me of Doug.

[B]

Stan. Doug. Happy Thanksgiving, folks.

[A]

Doug is poetic. I mean, he is.

[C]

Oh, he's one of the. In terms of, like, painting a fucking picture.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, he has a couple. One of them I love. I quote all the time is when he says on one of his albums, he goes, when I do comedy, it's like, I'm taking you into war. You're not all gonna be here at the end. That's amazing. In the one, that Bobby Barnett bit where he's just, you know, he's the Whole story about picking up a woman and it's like, you know, I said all the right things that night. You know. She hated cigarettes. I was trying to cut back. She hated long hair. I was trying to quit. It's just like. It's like out of a movie.

[B]

It's great. Yeah.

[C]

And then I don't think there's any like in the newer generation and I include our generation of comics in that as well. I don't think there'll be another Stan Hope. I think like what? Because he was a proper road dog.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

And he was doing weird ass fucking places in Europe way before as well. Before me he was doing like fucking Iceland and all the darker places. I imagine he reps in Finland.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If anyone fucking reps in Finland and Helsinki is Doug Stanhope.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at that.

[C]

Oh yeah. He went to Ukraine. So he fucking dead.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah, we had him on here. It was a fun one, man. Oh, and he showed up at the Cellar that night. He was no one expect. It was like a rare time to see a tell. Smile too because Dave was like, oh, he won't come. I said. He said he would. And Dave's like, nah, he would stay at the airport hotel if he could. He hates New York City. And he showed up and we. Were you there that night?

[B]

No, I missed it.

[A]

We drank to like super late. We're drinking the Doug Stanhope which is just I think grapefruit juice, vodka soda.

[C]

Ah.

[A]

But that's how he keeps going.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

First comic I ever saw live.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And he was so shit faced he barely got a word out. But I was like, this is fun. I can't wait to do this job. That's rock and roll. Yeah. But great show.

[C]

Yeah. It's been a while since I've seen Kai. My friend opened for him a couple times in the UK and just. Yeah. He's also. He's such a nice bloke.

[B]

Yes. Great guy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Now he's in his kind of like I'm wearing my leisure suits. I sit in Bisbee, Arizona and I drink and I go out every now and then.

[A]

Faze he'd be a dude that if you saw in the Delta Sky Club. Cause I feel like he wears that so proudly. I'd be so pumped.

[B]

Oh hell yeah. Just to do miss your flight.

[A]

You definitely miss your flight. But you don't. You go on a new adventure.

[B]

Yeah. And you're like, you're like, I'm going to Cleveland. He's like, I'm going to fucking Gaza. You Know what he did is he.

[A]

He tried to get. He didn't hit diamond one year. So he just went on like a 36 hour.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

He just flew all over the world to hit Diamond.

[C]

There's people who do that, like they work out, like the longest flights that they can do to build up. I think Alex Edelman was telling me that his brother did that for a while. It was the cheapest. You've worked at, the cheapest and most efficient way to get all the air mounts. And I was like, man, you're doing the Jewish stereotype.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Jesus.

[C]

No fucking favors. Come on, lads.

[B]

Now when you're on the road, do you miss the kids? How do you handle that?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. The worst thing you can do as a comedian for your career is have children. Like, I. I've been here for a week and like, normally I would be on the road for like two, three months. Sure can bring my wife out, you know, she was my girlfriend and have fun. Yeah. A week is like. I fucking. I miss the kind of.

[B]

So you're the FaceTime dad?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's not a good thing. I don't want them to like recognize me through a fucking screen. But it's only now, like before, after my daughter was born, I took eight months off to just like be good the entire time.

[A]

Were you itching though, during that eight months?

[C]

No. And God, and I hated coming back to stand up because I imagine you finish a fucking tour, right, and you're going to new material, right? New material's already like, bit nerve wracking. But you've got the. You've just been on tour for two years. Your form is through the roof, your materials are zero, but your form's at 100. You take eight months off, your form is a zero and your material's at fucking zero. And also you've just been a dad for eight months and I don't need to dad.

[A]

You can't even get up.

[C]

You don't even.

[A]

Where's home base for you?

[C]

Edinburgh.

[A]

So you can't even just get up?

[C]

I could, but I just. I didn't wanna. I just wanted to, like. Cause I've been touring full reset. Yeah, I wanted to, like. I've been touring so relentlessly in th. Constantly, like, stand up comedy was the number one priority of my life for 16 years.

[A]

Well, no wonder you dreaded it though, so much going back. Cause you're like, I'm a fucking cripple right now.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

[C]

In every sense oh, and I felt like a fucking. I felt like a cripple, like. Cause I was also. I was being a bit too, like too much of a wanky fucking purist. I was like, you know, going back, I want to just like go to. I'll go to clubs where people don't really know who I am. I'll perform to a fucking neutral audience. And I would go out and I'd do. I wasn't eating shit, but I wasn't doing great. I was fighting my fucking feet again. It was my wife that was like, why don't you just watch? Instead of going to play to a neutral audience, why don't you fucking go and play to your own audience one time and just get that confidence back up. If you've never ridden a bike before, you don't start at the top of a ramp. If it's been a couple of years and you've riding a bike, you will find your feet again. You don't start in the skate park after 10 years of not biking.

[A]

But there's other part of you where, like, I feel guilty doing this horseshit set for my family. It feels like cheating because that's what I was doing during COVID I remember doing those, like, hotel shows because it was. And I'd be like, I gotta write new shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I was like, luckily their bar for entertainment was so low at that time.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

But yeah, no, you feel guilty. I don't. I ran into a guy once and he's like, I saw you fucking working out jokes in Dania Beach. It fucking sucked. I was like, it was billed as a workout show. And he goes, still.

[B]

I was like, damn. Yeah.

[A]

How bad was I?

[C]

I remember going, well, some comedy fans fucking love the idea of a work in progress. Because I've got people that come to multiple iterations of the show because they like seeing where it's going. But then you've also got people who are blown away. They're like, I saw you two weeks ago and you did the same jokes. You're like, what do you think, a fucking tourist?

[B]

I know.

[C]

It's the same type of thing.

[A]

Yes. A lot of people don't know that. More people know that, obviously, with podcasts, but a lot of people don't know that. They're like, so you just do the same. I'm like, no, I tweak it a little. Exactly the same.

[C]

When I started stand up, like when I was like 16, 17, I loved stand up. Like watching on TV, watching it on fucking VHS and stuff. But like, I had this thing of, like, I didn't like, when I'd seen like a comedian do Mark the Week, and then I saw them on tour and they did, like, some of the same jokes. So me being a dumbass 17 year old, I was like, I'm never gonna repeat jokes at any venue. So if I do this five minutes here, the next time I come back to that venue, I'll have to do a different five, and then I'll come up with a different five next time. And thankfully, like two months into my career, an older comic was like, hey, just to let you know, that's like. That's like the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life.

[A]

But it, but it probably instills something in you that made you prolific. So I remember seeing you on Conan when you were young, being like, who the is this kid?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's got a new six every few months? And it was all good. I was like, what? We would send each other in the group. In the group chat, it'd be a me, Norman and list. And we'd be, you know, we send late night sets to each other where we're like, oh, this is good.

[B]

And if you look at the whole thread, it's like, this guy's a hack. Fuck him, he sucks.

[C]

And then they're like, depends which one of my. I'm sure some of my code is spots were saying like, well, he's fucked up this time.

[A]

Oh, yeah, no, I was definitely buzzing a couple of those too, because they get. Because they would just bring like, do you want a drink or something? I'd be like, is that allowed? Yeah, I'll get a buzz.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

So either I saw Joe, like, fucking hard time. Not a hard time, but like going. Coming to America for the first time and just how legal and prevalent marijuana was. I was like, this is what they mean by the first time.

[A]

What's the situation in Edinburgh with weed?

[C]

It's decriminalized now, but that's basically because, like, I think about five years ago, the chief of police of Scotland was like, we're not busting people for weed anymore because it's a waste of resources and absolutely nobody cares.

[A]

Amsterdam's lost a lot of its juice now that everywhere is like, you can just.

[C]

But Amsterdam, they. They'll be happy with it because they, they hate British tourists because Brits abroad are the worst in the world. Like Americans abroad, there's the stereotypes that, like, they're loud and that they're not. But the Americans abroad are the best Americans, they're the ones that travel, they're the ones that have, like.

[A]

Yeah, it took us a little more work to get there.

[C]

Yeah. And that's not a criticism. Like, I hate when fucking Brits and Europeans are like, oh, you know that only 40% of Americans own passports? And you're like, do you know how big America is?

[B]

Aha.

[C]

Are you aware of, like, the fucking size of, like, in terms of what you can experience in this country? You can experience every.

[A]

It doesn't expensive to travel.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you've got the desert here, you've got the fucking Arctic here, you've got fucking forests here, you've got villages, you've.

[A]

Got mountains, you've got a state like North Carolina. They've got everything. You got mountains, you got beaches, you got.

[C]

Yeah, the only thing you don't have is history. And I know, like, oh, what about American history? Like, if people are alive to experience it. No American history.

[B]

Well, we make up for that with fentanyl.

[A]

We're forgetting every day.

[C]

Yeah, you've crammed a lot in. You've crammed a lot into your £200.

[A]

It is crazy to see how bad the fentanyl problem is here. And then you go abroad and you're like, oh, there's just. These streets are peaceful and there's no. There's no littering anywhere.

[C]

I know it's crazy, but the downside is our coke is shit.

[B]

Aha.

[C]

Like, well, it's.

[A]

Coke is shit everywhere. I feel like now, well, we got pretty good coke.

[B]

Would you.

[A]

Would you do coke? And we've never done it to begin with.

[B]

I've never done it.

[A]

And neither have I. Because you've never done coke. I was scared straight by this fucking. I used to be gay. I was scared straight by my coach. He was like. When we were young, he was just, like, pulling up. Len Bias, Boston Celtics OD is the first fucking time he does a line. Daryl Johnston, offensive tackle, ods at his bachelor party. Just bring up statistics of guys who died instantly from bad coke. And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm not touching it.

[B]

At the end, he was like, pussies.

[C]

They died doing what they loved, being fucking losers. My stag do was in Vegas. I brought, like, fucking 24 British comics over.

[A]

Why Vegas?

[C]

Because. Because I've. Because I'm not from America. Like, I love. I love Vegas. That's not a fucking option where I'm from.

[A]

But what's the equivalent for, like, Americans to go there that you'd be like, Ugh.

[C]

Oh, gross. Oh, fucking. Anywhere in Spain. Like Benidorm, Mallorca, like, all the tourist fucking spots. You're like, oh, why would you go there? The worst of our country goes to. There. To. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But.

[C]

And when we got there, because my son was about a year and a half old at this point. Cause he's a bastard. Because I'm cool. And I was like, I'm not doing coke. I'm a dad now. There's not a chance I'm doing any coke. And my friends were like, all right, like, we'll go to Vegas. I'm like, no, man. Fentanyl. I've been to la. Fentanyl's, like, a huge, real fucking problem. So they got a comic who will remain nameless from la. And they were like, we need you to get coke that we can gather.

[A]

Joe derosa. I mean, you're not far off.

[C]

It wasn't Joe derosa, but you're in the right vein. And, yeah, a friend of mine got like. I don't want to exaggerate it too much, but it was like, 100 grams of coke, which they. Cause there's 25 of us.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So we're doing all. And we got through that coke in the first.

[A]

Wait, so you said you're not doing coke? And then they're like. They just brought coke. You're like, all right, I'll do it.

[C]

Well, so he. The guy that did it was like, this is a guy I've always been buying from. He tests it. He's tested it in front of me. He's done it in front of me. He's fighting like, we were very thorough about this. And I'm like, still nervous. Still nervous. And then one of my friends, who's not a comedian, who's just a war vet, and he was like, I'll fucking.

[A]

I'll do it.

[C]

He's like, I've put my life on the line for a country I don't even like that much anymore. I'll fucking do a line of coke for one of my best friends. And we racked him up a little one. He's like, if I'm going in, I'm going in. Like, we gotta find out what this is. And he must have racked up almost close to a full gram. And we all just watched him rail it. And, like, he was like. He was like, it smells great. Feels good. And 25 minutes later, we were like, that's good enough for us. That's fucking weird. Yeah.

[B]

You know Charlie Sheen?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. That's Incredible.

[A]

So how was the night? Was the night wild?

[C]

Oh, man, it was the. I was.

[A]

Do you want to stick with that one? We have other stuff you could try as well. I mean, that was delicious as well.

[C]

I'll have just a little bit of this one.

[A]

It's really nice.

[C]

It's so nice.

[B]

Very nice.

[C]

So the first night I was so that they let me go to bed. Like, normally your. The buck doesn't get to choose when to go to bed, but I think it was like half five in the morning. I stumbled up to the boys. I'm like, lads, I might go sleep. And they were like, yeah, you almost definitely should. Like all the cocaine you've taken. You've also. It's. Man, it's fucking Vegas. I was taking countless edibles.

[B]

Sure, yeah.

[C]

I'm drinking, fucking.

[A]

And that city's already built to not sleep in.

[C]

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Are you gambling? Are you seeing a show? Are you Cirque du Soleil gambling?

[C]

We gambling helicopter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went to the fucking joke. We did a lot of gambling, lot of drinking, went to some shows, took a helicopter through the fucking Grand Canyon at one point because I paid. So I paid for all the boys to come out because I didn't want to out price any of my friends. So what we.

[B]

What the fuck?

[A]

Yeah, what?

[B]

Hundreds of thousands. No helicopters and blow here.

[C]

Well, so I think. I don't know what the budget ultimately was at the end, but like I'd said to Kai, what he'd done was he was like, for a full year of our podcast, he was like, I'll just not pay you any of the Patreon money, okay? And we can just fucking save that. So over the. Over a year, I think that amounted to, you know, maybe 20, 30 grand. I was like, cheapest flight for the boys, cheapest hotel. I'll get them all over there because I. I don't want to out price any of my mates and I want to, you know, Brits in Vegas. It's mind blowing.

[A]

It's not.

[C]

It's not hack, it's exciting, it's new. We've seen it in the movies, we've seen it in the TV shows. I mean, we very quickly realized on day three that six days were too many.

[A]

Like, we could have told you that.

[C]

Oh, man, three days in we were like, fuck, boys, I don't know what we're doing.

[A]

I mean, what do you do at a certain point there?

[C]

Well, one of the great ones they did was because they were so grateful that I'D fucking flown them over. They were being super kind to me. Like, they were still being shitty, but ultimately great. They booked a suite, like a penthouse room in the MGM grand for two nights for just me to stay in on the condition that they got to do a roast of me just in the fucking room. So. And we were all. I mean, we were caked out of our nuts and we recorded it, and we shouldn't have recorded it because we're just, you know, it's. It's comedians.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

With no audience, roasting each other.

[B]

Whatever happened to horse jokes? And set up a thing like, yeah.

[A]

I want to get up. I have homework.

[B]

I gotta write jokes. A lot of work.

[C]

Yeah. They wrote them all in the play. It was great. I love.

[A]

That's incredible. That is memorable.

[B]

That is great. That's great. And the blow makes it more fun. There's a bunch of guys grinding their teeth shitting on you.

[A]

Mark and I are weirdly similar in our fear of coke. And, like, it's just always been booze.

[C]

Don't do it now. Like, it's too. You know, you start Coke in your 20s, you stop in your 30s.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

If you do. If you're doing your first line in your late 30s, early 40s. But come on, you're dad now. You can't do it now, man.

[B]

That could help me with the housework.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Me and Kyle used to. Before the fringe started. Every year we'd get a bag of coke and just to clean the house before it got stuck. It was great. I find myself cleaning the inside of bins that I've never. I'm like. I'm like. You never think of cleaning the inside of a bed, but it's got to be done. That's where germs are coming from.

[B]

You know, about the positives of coke. This is good.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

No, I remember we were out with Jim Jeffries, like, way back in the day. And I remember across the room, he was, like, doing this to me, and I was like, does he have, like, allergies? I don't know. I was that naive.

[C]

Is he being anti. Semantic?

[A]

I was like, I suppose it is a little pointy. I don't know.

[B]

Later, he's like. After that, he's like, speaking of Jim Jeffries now, his cousin, he got a hooker because he was in a wheelchair.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So that's muscular dystrophy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think it was like a childhood friend. I don't think.

[B]

Oh, childhood friend. Okay.

[C]

That was one of his big bits.

[B]

Oh, my God. That bit was Incredible.

[A]

It's one of my favorites.

[C]

I think that's from Alcoholicost, I think, was that special.

[B]

Great title.

[A]

He was. He was hammered in that one. Yeah.

[C]

And he's sober now. Oh, he's Callie sober.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. He's a big pothead.

[C]

Which is so funny. Cause, I mean, I never got to do. Look, I'm so glad for Jim and his sobriety. I think that's great. If I could go back in time and do coke with, like. I'd love to do gear with fucking Jeffries back in the day.

[A]

Oh, man.

[C]

I reckon that would have been a goddamn. And I've done some pretty fucking cool people. But Jeffries, I think would be. Would be up there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Can you name any of the cool people?

[C]

Yeah, absolutely. I'll sell people. You know me, I'll sell anyone down the.

[A]

Mother Teresa.

[B]

No.

[C]

Well, the more like. The more like, for me were cool ones. It was like the British comics or. Sorry, the comedians on the British scene that I grew up like Glenn Wolds, Canadian comics.

[B]

Oh, I love Glenn.

[C]

Love Glenn. He was a big one for me. Mike Wilmon. I don't know if you know Mike again, lots of Canadians go to the uk, just develop a fucking career and end up staying there. Because it's easier to tour the UK than it is to tour Canada.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Just in terms of driving and everything.

[A]

And they also have, like, weird politics with the clubs in Canada.

[B]

I think that's true. It'd be funny if this got dark. You're like. And then Geraldo last night there, Hedberg.

[C]

I've done coke in some fucking great places. I've done coke off of. I probably shouldn't tell the story. I've done coke off of Hitler's toilet. Whoa. There was.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

There's. It wasn't a toilet that Hitler actually used, but there was a place in the UK where if Hitler was captured at the end of the war, that they were going to imprison him because you can't put him in a standard prison. And they had this little sort of room set aside for his prison, and I got access to what was meant to be his cell. And I was like, I have to do cocaine.

[B]

Is that it?

[C]

Yep. Yeah, that is.

[B]

No, that's the show.

[C]

There goes the one on the left. Yep.

[B]

Oh, wow. Yeah, but he was supposed to go there.

[C]

He was supposed to go there. Yeah, he was supposed to go there instead of Argentina.

[A]

Right.

[B]

For the fear. Look at that.

[A]

He's got a little book table there.

[B]

Yeah, a little Mein Kampf table.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's fun.

[A]

Berlin Today newspaper right there.

[B]

He's got a window too. This guy's living large. Yeah. By the way, Barcelona, we mentioned tourism. They hate tourists.

[C]

They fucking hate.

[B]

They hate. They have all these graffitis everywhere. They hate tourists. Tourism went through the floor. A bunch of business were like, please bring them back. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Every time I'm annoyed by a parade or something, I'm like, ah, it's fucking.

[C]

It's good for the city with Spanish people. They're napping during the day. They're dumb people. It's the only place in Europe I wouldn't tour.

[B]

What?

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I had a good show in Barcelona. I like.

[C]

I've performed there four times and I've never not hated every second.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn.

[C]

Which is weird because Portugal's the best.

[B]

Portugal's best. Lisbon's fucking the class.

[A]

I gotta hit there.

[B]

Beautiful.

[C]

Lisbon and Porto. Love em.

[B]

Yeah. That's one of the prettiest cities I've ever been to.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Food's amazing. Everything. Spain wishes it was. And they don't have. And their culture isn't based around a fucking nap.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Identity.

[A]

I like when sloth gets fired up on a culture.

[C]

Oh, man. Anyone that's eating any of my. But my. They'll be so bored of me. Just constantly doing my. Why I hate the Spanish rant the Spaniards.

[B]

You don't hear them getting taken down.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And enough with the paella. We get it. Half of it stuck to the pan.

[C]

Yeah. Also just make a full sized meal, guys.

[B]

I know.

[C]

The late dinner bugs me. Oh, because they fucking naps during the day. I don't like.

[A]

I don't. Maybe I'm getting older. I don't like a late dinner.

[C]

No 10pm for dinner.

[B]

Get fun. Like a late dinner.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[B]

My tummy aches.

[A]

I will tell you one thing I like that I see in. I guess it's maybe more Paris, but you see it in Europe more is the foot pedal flusher.

[B]

I'm down.

[A]

I like the foot pedal flusher.

[B]

I love it.

[C]

I don't like the.

[A]

Yeah, you don't have to touch a dirty ass thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They have the foot pedal sink thing too.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[A]

I kind of like that. Why are we not doing more of that?

[B]

Some planes have it too.

[A]

Yeah, the foot pedal.

[C]

I don't like the. It's Austrian and it's other part of Europe. The poo inspection plat.

[B]

Come again?

[C]

Come. There's like toilets just have like a bit that the ward like you poo on.

[B]

Oh, like a shelf.

[C]

Yeah, like a shelf just so you can look at your. Yeah, there you go.

[A]

Let's zoom in on.

[B]

That's tough on a miscarry.

[C]

It's the one on the. The second one. Yeah, just a.

[A]

It's in slow motion.

[B]

Yeah, that. I don't need the shelf.

[C]

Yeah. What is that?

[A]

Yeah, it's going to get stuck.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's like. I don't know. I got.

[A]

Here's a question. When you skid the hotel bowl, do you clean it?

[C]

No, I do my best to piss it off.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

That's the game.

[C]

You've created a mini.

[A]

But sometimes they don't put enough water in there. And I'm like, this is the plumbing issue.

[C]

This is not on me.

[B]

Yeah. What am I. They have cleaners, but that's.

[A]

It is your poop. It's pretty gross.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

And I try to get. They should always have the. The brush.

[B]

Love the Brian. A plunger, for that matter.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I did coke off that.

[C]

Off the shelf.

[A]

That's why that was actually.

[C]

This is shit. This must be awful.

[B]

But the bidets are really coming in hot everywhere. I don't have a bidet at home, so.

[C]

The Jap. You know the Jap toilets?

[B]

Yeah. They are unbelievable.

[C]

Oh, man, I love a Jap toilet.

[A]

Why do they have bidet always?

[C]

Well, it's the thing that comes out and it shoots through.

[A]

Thanks for spelling Japanese in that one.

[B]

Yeah. I love those toilets. They're like heated seat. There's like a control panel on the.

[A]

Side that he would see in the winter.

[C]

Scooshes water directly up your arm. And if you set the angle right of your sphincter, you can have a slight enema.

[B]

I'm in.

[C]

Yeah, it's great.

[A]

You'll meet people who are homophobic sometimes who. They're like, you fucking squirt water off your ass. I'm like, the alternative is a finger.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, good point. It's not that. Like, what's. It's not a gay thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Also, I can understand the monopoly that fucking toilet papers had for Andrew. We've not. There's true. Like, how are we still wiping our ass with paper? It's an insane.

[B]

It's a crazy. On your hand or your arm, you'd.

[C]

Use water if it was in your hair. You wouldn't just get like a bit of toilet paper and be like, well, that's all the poo gone from my goddamn hair.

[A]

At the very least, you got to bring the wipes the wipes are big.

[B]

But they're bad for the environment apparently.

[A]

Yeah, but.

[C]

And if I can't get the chasings off my arm, I put my decorate and I try and piss them off. I think that's the best way.

[B]

Pretty good.

[C]

That's the Scottish Japanese toilet.

[B]

Damn. Yeah, yeah. The birth rate is through the floor, but their asses are clean. You know adult diapers sell better in Japan than child. Fun fact.

[A]

Oh, damn.

[C]

Is that like for gross fetish reasons?

[B]

I think it's just so many old people and no kids.

[A]

Oh yeah, we got diapers. Sounds so sad. Once you're strapping that on, it's time to. Time to pack it in.

[C]

Yeah, it's also. If you got adult diapers, it's time you don't get to vote anymore. Like you're at the age where there has to be a cut. If there's a cut of age. You can't vote when you're five years old.

[B]

Right.

[C]

You also can't vote when you're 70, right? If I'm leaving a restaurant and you're.

[A]

Coming, our president's usually 80, but I.

[C]

Don'T get to order your fucking meal when you come into a restaurant. If you are over the. If you're over the age of fucking 70, you can't drive a car. You don't get to choose the next.

[A]

70, you'll be dead.

[C]

Who gives a fuck what you. You voted the most times.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

You don't get to decide the rest of the fucking future. And if you do vote over the age of it comes directly, you have to pay it. It comes out your fucking pension directly.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

Dude, we already have a voting problem in this country though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No one's gonna pay to vote.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you vote today?

[A]

I will tomorrow.

[C]

Wait, but it is today.

[B]

It's today.

[A]

Oh, I'll vote later today then. Sorry, I thought it was tomorrow.

[C]

No, it was today.

[B]

I went today. And they're like, this is the wrong place. And I was like, ah, fuck. So I have to go later, I guess.

[C]

Yeah, you gotta do what the Aussies do. So. The Aussies, it's illegal to not vote. Vote. What you get fined a thousand bucks or a bit more. But, and, and they. Nobody works on voting day because they want everyone to vote. But what this does is it stops and oh, they've got a multi party system as well. But this stops them ever having a far right or a far left government because if you force voting because the middle is voting because they have to so it's like a really good. Don't be wrong. You. I'm sure I'll have Aussies in the comments being like, explain all these cycles that we've got. But in general, it's. It's such a smart way to.

[B]

I like that a lot. And also in Singapore, it's illegal to not save money. They make a law that you have to save money, which I think is genius, because then everybody's set.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Well, they just like an amount. Also. Singapore is one of the. Like, I love Singapore because it's legitimately safe. Like, the idea of, like, you can leave your phone.

[A]

It is not illegal to not save money.

[B]

Maybe I had the wrong country. The country does have a mandatory Social Security savings scheme. So they save money. They save money for you.

[A]

Yeah, that's good.

[B]

Okay. Sorry. Much like they take our taxes out. They take. Save out for them.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, Singapore, safe as shit. Japan, safest shit.

[C]

But it's. Yeah, but Japan's safe because, like. Yeah, that feels like just a cultural thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Singapore is safe because the. The. The punishment is fucked.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Like, why will nobody.

[A]

It's not worth it. No.

[C]

Why? Nobody will. Nobody will steal. If you were $1000 on a table at 1am in a pub in Singapore, you could come back a day later and it'd still be there.

[A]

Do you get cocky? Do you walk around some bills out?

[C]

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On my phone. Been like, I've only got a million on me right now. Take me to the roughest neighborhoods.

[B]

Yeah. It's true. I guess that's why Rihanna was always acting. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. The punishment was so bad.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You get it. All right. Is it weird to have all this Thanksgiving theme stuff?

[C]

It's very white girl.

[B]

That's super.

[A]

You are a white girl, man.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

He puts thought into it. I appreciate it.

[C]

I am.

[B]

Coffee. Pudding is for you.

[C]

Great. It also just looks like. Like a giant Joby. Like a big, big. But it looks.

[A]

We wiped it off.

[B]

That's on the shelf.

[A]

My hotel room.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Get it.

[C]

And clearly from a. Because it's been flattened.

[B]

Right, Right.

[C]

First time I ever did a comedy club in America was the Denver Comedy Works.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Started too high.

[A]

It's like losing your virginity to a supermodel.

[C]

100%. Right. And it was the week and I went out there to try the material before doing my first Conan spot. I get there on the Tuesday. I'm there until the Monday.

[A]

Were you downtown or the suburbs?

[C]

Downtown.

[B]

Oh, the good one.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

That's where, like, David tell did Skanks for the Memories. Geraldo did Good Day to Cross the River.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

All the.

[A]

Some of the best comedy albums ever.

[C]

Oh, and again, like, completely spelled go in, do a show on the Wednesday. It's fucking great. And I say to the staff, I'm like, I'll see you tomorrow. And they're like, no, you won't. I was like, I'm booked all weekend. They're like, yeah, but tomorrow's Thanksgiving. It's Thursday. We don't do shows.

[A]

And you didn't know this.

[C]

I don't fucking know. We don't celebrate Thanksgiving in the uk. I've got no idea. So I'm like, all right, well, I guess I'll just, you know, sit and jerk off in my hotel room and get. And the comedy work staff were like, under no circumstances you sit in a fucking hotel room. And they invited me. Me to this. So the only Thanksgiving I've ever had in this country was they invited me to theirs. And I loved it. They were stoned from 11am they were all taking it in turns cooking different parts of the things. There were some bits where I was like, you guys really have to put marshmallow on sweet potato, because that's good. It's amazing. I couldn't believe. And of course, when you're stoned. Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

And like, we. We all sat around and, like, I'm not gonna lie to you. Like, the idea of, like. And, like, giving your thanks. Pretty. Pretty gay. Pretty losery. But, like, hearing these people, like, talk about, like, their family, what they were grateful for, the friends that they had in their life and, like, just, you know, to not be alone on Thanksgiving. Thanks to the people from Comedy Works. I was like, oh, man. I really get and understand this holiday. This is.

[B]

Yes. Giving thanks.

[A]

Sweet.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I love it.

[B]

It's beautiful. And that's one of the drunkest clubs, the greatest staff. They will get drunk with you.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's a good time.

[C]

Yeah. I love that.

[A]

I remember one year, I was at the St. Louis Funny Bone on Thanksgiving, and Nikki Glaser was there, and she was like, you should come do Thanksgiving with my family.

[B]

No way.

[A]

And I couldn't because they did a show on Thanksgiving night.

[C]

They did?

[A]

Yeah. They were like, you know, you have to do a show that night. I was like, really? Yeah. Not a happy bunch out.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

They got nothing to be grateful for.

[A]

Especially after my session.

[C]

Geez.

[A]

No, no. It actually wasn't a horrible crowd. Cause if you were out on Thanksgiving. It makes some sense because, like, you go to a movie sometimes. Thanksgiving night with the folks, right?

[B]

Yeah. But my Thanksgiving was always awkward growing up because my mom is the most giving, jovial lady. So she'd be at the CVS and she's like, what are you doing tonight, sugar? And the lady's like, I got nothing. And she'd be like, come over. So we'd have all these, like a bus driver, a CVS lady, the mailman.

[A]

Was there, guy who's just holding a knife.

[B]

Yeah. We had nothing in common. We had the other guy, who was my mom, my dad's there. It was always an awkward Thanksgiving, but it was fun. It was nice. It was the spirit.

[C]

And how far away is Thanksgiving from now?

[B]

November 16th, 17th.

[A]

No, it's not. It's like the 28th or something.

[B]

Changes every year. It's like MLK's birthday. Yeah, hold on. 27th. That was way off.

[C]

Oh, also, Thanksgiving's like. And I know you. I, you know, I've been walking around New York. I know, like, some of your Christmas decorations are up at Macy's. Thanksgiving's like a really good holiday to just eat. Stop people from celebrating Christmas too fucking early. We don't have the stopgap in the uk. The second Halloween decorations are down. It's fucking Christmas in Scotland.

[B]

Interesting.

[C]

People are like.

[A]

Cause we got no buffer, I would say, from Thanksgiving. Like, the Wednesday on Thanksgiving through the end of the year might be the most hardcore drinking part of the year.

[B]

Oh, yes. So true.

[A]

It's like, like, I'll take a little of that with that.

[B]

Cause it's all about excess. It's about overeating over drinking, over family, over love.

[A]

Well, also, it's like, it makes sense. It's such a heavy drinking holiday. There's always a couple people at that table that you're like, I need a fucking drink to be around this.

[B]

Of course.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of admire the, you know, the idea of, like, you know, it's such a traditional things to spend this time with your family when you fucking hate them.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Because. Yeah, we just don't. I mean, we got. We. That's kind of Christmas for us. But I guess Thanksgiving is just pure family over here.

[B]

But. But thanks. I mean, Thanksgiving was a good transition to go from Halloween to Christmas. You're going from like, ghouls, goblins, and scary to Santa and Jesus.

[C]

Remember, it's his birthday. The cry of Christ, our Lord Jesus.

[A]

Planes, trains and automobiles. Perfect. Perfect Thanksgiving movie.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know what? Do you know what? This is legitimate. One of the best Christmas movies of all time.

[A]

The perfect Gene has redefined what jeans can be. No more crushed nuts or saggy diaper butts. Just pure soft, stretchy perfection. Life's too short for denim that fights your every step of the way. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, come on, wearing them right now, what do we.

[A]

I mean, they look great on you, by the way.

[B]

Great. They feel great.

[A]

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[B]

Yeah, they're good. I got khakis too, and they're both great.

[A]

If you got baggy ones. I like a little baggy. I'm sick of the tight jeans.

[B]

I agreed. I wore them on my special.

[C]

They're too.

[A]

In my Netflix special, I'm wearing the tightest jeans ever. And I was like, I look like I think I'm a fucking rock star. And I look and I sure as fuck ain't. So it doesn't look cool.

[B]

Right? You want a little bit of movement?

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

I gotta get some of this ED stuff. I mean, my dick's working, but I could use a bump.

[B]

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[A]

I want to feel the. I want to feel the. The boost.

[B]

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[A]

Hook it up.

[C]

Up.

[B]

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[A]

I need some recovery time, too.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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Yeah. Well, we got the robots. Thank God.

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Thank God.

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[C]

Is Daddy's Home too? Is it. Is that Will Ferrell? Unfortunately. Mel Gibson's in that movie. And John Lithgow.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

He definitely celebrates Christmas.

[C]

He's like, they killed one.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, man. Who's that? Ambrosia. I'll check it out.

[C]

Yeah. John Cena's in it.

[B]

So Liam Neeson's in it. Holy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never heard of this movie.

[C]

Is he? Oh, yeah. I've not watched. I don't think I've watched Daddy's Home one.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And it's not crucial to the story, but Daddy's Home 2 is Hannibal. So funny.

[B]

Hannibal. Bobby Catavali. Holy moly.

[A]

St. Cast.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I liked Bill Burke.

[B]

Is this right? Oh, Tony V. Yes, yes.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think they cut a lot of Bill's stuff out, but there is a bit of a minute. Yeah.

[A]

What about. Wait, what's another Christmas movie that you. That you love?

[C]

One that came out a couple years ago, which, like. I love Christmas movies. I love Christmas. I've got like, you know, spectacular. If you watch Klaus.

[B]

Yes, Animated.

[C]

Oh, my.

[B]

Great.

[C]

I've never heard of Norm MacDonald's in I Am Norman. Yeah. Norm MacDonald is the voice of the fucking boat.

[B]

Boat driver.

[C]

I will watch. I will watch that movie.

[B]

I thought I was alone. I watched this randomly on Netflix as a fluke.

[C]

I couldn't believe it's not one of the biggest movies. It is excellent.

[B]

It's got a great message.

[C]

It's really smart, really funny, really nice, really sweet. It's one of the many Christmas movies that I cry to, but I cry at my most movies because I'm a big loser.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

That's where. I think that's where it's appropriate for men to let it out.

[C]

Yeah. Christmas movies?

[A]

Yeah. No, any movie. So you, like. You let it out there and you're.

[C]

Like, one of the big crying movies for me, where I will, like, gush and weep, show girls, the Greatest Showman. Hidden Figures, Warrior. Have you seen?

[A]

I heard it's amazing. Wait a minute. Tom Hardy?

[C]

Tom Hardy, the cage fight movie? It was just told me.

[A]

It's great.

[C]

It went so under the radar because it's like. It's a deck flick. It's just. People thought it was just a UFC movie.

[B]

Right?

[C]

Right Neck. No. Was absolutely robbed of an Oscar in this movie.

[A]

Oh, shit.

[C]

And it makes me weep. It's great. Excellent. Brian Callan plays Joe Rogan.

[B]

No way.

[C]

Yeah. Because it's just a UFC commentator, and they obviously couldn't get Rogan, so Brian Callan just does his best.

[A]

I wonder if Rogan regrets not doing it because he loves the UFC so much.

[B]

I know. That'd be like if I couldn't do the movie and you played me and.

[C]

If there were some pretty hefty allegations about you.

[B]

Wow. All right, I'll watch this.

[A]

I got a movie wreck for you guys, and I've seen it before, but it's not a holiday movie. I just rewatched it on Sunday. Have you ever seen you Can Count on Me, the movies with Mark Ruffalo and. And Laura Linney? It's fucking amazing.

[B]

Cover it.

[A]

So good.

[B]

Okay. She's always great.

[C]

Dude. That.

[A]

That playwright Kenneth Lonergan did it. It's fucking great. It's like a very slow burn kind of. Oh, wow.

[C]

95 on Ron tomatoes.

[A]

So good.

[C]

And that looks old. That looks like a very young Mark Ruffle.

[A]

Yeah, it's from, like, the early 2000s, probably. He's amazing. He's a little kid in it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's. It's an amazing movie.

[B]

Wow. Never heard of it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Huge wreck.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Slow Burn Dramedy. Some really sad parts, some really funny parts.

[B]

If you want to cry, watch. This is a bummer of a movie, but my. The Perfect Neighbor. It's on Netflix right now. It's still in the top.

[C]

Oh, I just. I just watched it, dude.

[B]

I fucking wept like a fat girl.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable.

[B]

It was bad.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Do they weep harder, I assume.

[A]

I feel like skinny people cry pretty hard.

[B]

Five Guys is closed.

[C]

I agree with you. Like, it's a really, really hard documentary. It's very, very emotional. Highlights a lot of problems. Very easy to misinterpret. Like, the reason that she's the perfect neighbor is because she kills a black woman. I was like, you got it. You got to call this something else. Like, this a woman.

[B]

The person next door is like, she.

[C]

Really is the perfect neighbor. She.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, what's the worst thing to call it?

[C]

What did she do? She killed a black mother of four. The perfect neighbor.

[B]

She can live with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But so sad. Crazy story. Real story. Down in Florida. Unreal. Bananas.

[A]

Damn. Florida is where. That's where all this. It all happened in Florida. What is that?

[B]

You got that right.

[C]

Right.

[B]

It's Scientologists. It's Jews, it's Cubans. It's old people.

[A]

Old people who've done.

[C]

They've.

[A]

They're done caring.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

I mean, look at a place like Key West. Just like all these. Oh, it was like enlist documentaries. Like, all the broken toys live here.

[B]

Totally.

[C]

It's people going down there and just deciding, I'm gonna let God try and kill me with the sun while I kill myself with alcohol. Yeah. It's like, it's just a very personal race to Jesus.

[B]

By the way, jingle all the way holds up.

[A]

Oh, it's so underrated. Mike Lawrence and I talk about this all the time.

[C]

It's the only movie that I will absolutely accept a modern remake of.

[A]

Not that one. Jesus Christ.

[B]

That's Larry the Cable Guy.

[C]

There needs to be a jingle all the way too. And it needs to be.

[A]

There is a jingle all the way too, apparently with Larry the Cable Guy.

[C]

Oh, no, it needs to be Dwayne the Rock Johnson playing the grown up son of Sinbad the bad guy in this one. It's him growing up. He's got that attitude towards Christmas. He needs it to be perfect. The Rock hasn't done a Christmas movie yet. Oh, no, he has. He's done that fucking shitty one with them.

[A]

So then. So then maybe. So maybe Schwarzenegger son grew up and he's like the weak guy.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

That's it.

[C]

That's the pitch. And also, I don't. I don't want to be in this movie. Just rage one. That was it.

[B]

It Red one.

[C]

Stank. Absolute stank. Honk to come.

[A]

Dude, Schwarzenegger rules.

[C]

I love him. I love him. Bad Is so.

[A]

Remember when Sinbad showed up at your special? We were just at an after party for Mark's special and Sinbad shows up.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

He didn't know it was a special. He was just at the bar. We're just like hanging out. We're like, is that Sinbad?

[B]

Yeah, that was cool.

[C]

Any. Any comedian who's most of the times go by one name is. Is excellent. Oh, yeah, and Phil Hartman.

[B]

Yeah, he's awesome.

[C]

Was.

[B]

Was.

[A]

God, he was the best.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So funny. But yeah, good movie. Good Christmas film. They don't really make them, do they? We keep watching Love, actually over and over.

[A]

Oh, my God, it's so bad.

[C]

Oh, and the older you get his. Hey, let's not knock chickflicks. There's some excellent chickfila.

[A]

They are, but that's not one of them. No, it's a bad.

[C]

Crazy, crazy, stupid Love.

[A]

That's a really good movie.

[C]

One of the all time great.

[A]

That's a good move. But I don't think that's a chick flick. I think that's just like a funny rom com.

[B]

It's a rom com.

[C]

Rom coms are chick flicks.

[A]

They don't have to be.

[C]

I. Look, I agree with you, but I.

[A]

Feel like, yeah, no, that's a good movie, dude.

[C]

I'll tell you an unironically. Unironically, one of the best chick flicks. Rom coms.

[B]

Two girls, one cup.

[C]

That's a rom com.

[B]

That is.

[C]

Chicks only, 50 first dates.

[A]

Yeah, it's good.

[C]

Love it. Absolutely.

[B]

Oh, man, I just assumed it was horseshit.

[A]

No, it's good.

[C]

No, it's. It's one of I love I, I, Stan. Adam Sandler.

[B]

I like Adam Sandler.

[C]

He was everything I grew up with. And yeah, there was a period where I was like, oh, I don't understand why he occasionally makes the occasional shitty movie. And then you become like a 30 year old. And I'm like, if a studio offered me this amount of money to make a movie, all I would do is be like.

[A]

With all your best friends.

[C]

Yeah, they're like, it's on Hawaii. Our wives play all the extras. All my friends come out. I mean, if I was Adam Sandler, I would have dropped Rob Schneider at this point. And not even. Not even as an act, just as with a fucking punch.

[B]

I would have been like, that's how loyal he is.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, he's the fucking best.

[B]

That's his wife on the right in the. The brunette.

[C]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She plays his wife in a big lot of things, which. Which I respect, but also. Surely. Surely one of the good things about being a fucking actor is. Yeah, it's a free. That's why he made it.

[A]

Yeah, but he's had that good a marriage.

[B]

Right, Right.

[C]

But, man, it made sense to me. While Adam Sandler was like. And this role is played by Jennifer Aniston. You're like, yeah, I'll bet it is, man. Jesus Christ. I'd have her play my mom if I could get close to it.

[B]

Play the babysitter.

[A]

This is a wacky comedy. Why is there a simulation for a blowjob in this scene?

[B]

This is.

[C]

Why am I jerking off? This is weird.

[B]

Yeah. What's. You ever seen Serendipity?

[C]

No.

[B]

Oh, pretty good chick flick. Pretty good chick flick, that one. Okay.

[C]

10 things.

[A]

We've seen a lot of movies.

[C]

10 things I hate about you. It's a. Excellent.

[A]

God, dude. That's when I was like, oh, Heath Ledger's a star.

[B]

Taming of the Shrew.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Everything's Shakespeare.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Everything's something.

[B]

You know, I just learned Lion King was Hamlet.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

That took me a second.

[A]

Yeah. Everything is something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everything. It's all. We act like every. You know, we get mad about remakes. Well, at least that's like a spin on ip, right? At least that's like, you want. You're like, okay. That's like a little more sneaky with it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

As opposed to, like, another Transformers or another. You know.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Transformers is also McBay.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

With McBay, it's so far away.

[A]

Transform.

[B]

It's Othello.

[A]

Jingle all the way. Was actually Romeo and Juliet.

[C]

What's really excruciating about this is you can tell that there's three comics desperate to make really good puns here, but none of us know enough about Shakespeare. It's just like our want for there to be a punchline is limited by our absolute lack of fucking knowledge.

[A]

Did Romeo and Juliet give that away? Othello something.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Bernie Mac Beth.

[A]

Remember that? Oh, they just like black Othello.

[B]

Oh, did they? I didn't know that. Oh, fellow, where art thou? All right. You know west side Story? That's Romeo and Juliet as well.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

My Own Private Idaho. I didn't know these were all also.

[A]

Well, yeah, they do. They do a little nod to Macbeth in My Own Private Idaho. They do like. They do it the exact same way. It's shot with The Orson Welles. Macbeth.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I know.

[A]

Some weird horse. And.

[C]

Well, this is similar to the fact that, like, I read a lot of fantasy books, and every single fantasy book is just an allegory for Jesus Christ.

[A]

Right?

[C]

It's always. Yeah, there's one guy, the Matrix. Yeah, it's all cheese. It's all Jeebus.

[A]

Yeah, it's all that Deuce Bigelow, male gigolo.

[C]

It's Jesus Christ.

[A]

That was Jesus Christ.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But we're like, oh, could we actually. Could we. I know, I know the whole message. But could we specifically crucified this one last Jew? I know, I know it's the wrong time.

[A]

You're gonna hate me.

[C]

Yeah, but we just. It's a ro. It's Rob Schneider, though. If there's one Jew. If there's one Jew that we can all agree on that, like. And look, maybe he's also dying for our sins this time. Maybe, you know, fuck it. Maybe he can just die for his own goddamn sins. Claiming that children's hospitals didn't exist.

[B]

Wait, it came out.

[C]

Children's hospitals didn't exist when I was a kid because kids weren't getting sick. The first hospital, just an easy polio, didn't exist. An easily Googleable lie where you're just like, when was the first child hospital in America? Well, that's the thing. 1876. Shut the fuck up.

[A]

But hyperbole is what gets engagement, and that's why people. And then it goes from hyperbole to, like, a real fucking lie. And then it just keeps working. So now people are like, what the fuck?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Surely most people didn't believe that.

[C]

But I think every time you post something like that, I think there should be, like, a public fucking rating of your social media accounts. So, like, in the same way that I walk down the street in New York, I can tell the safety listing of all the buildings because it's posted right there. And you can see how the food is good.

[A]

Safety list.

[C]

The food. Yeah, the health code. Sorry. So I walked out and I'm like, well, that's got an A. That's got. These are all good ones. I'll go into. I think it'd be great if on social media, they're like, this guy's lied so many fucking times. He has a social media rating of fucking F. You can still follow him. You can still consume it. But we've checked everything they said, and most of it was bullshit. And also, he clearly huffs paint.

[B]

Well, we'd have no politicians he's just.

[A]

At dinner one night, he's like, I got a dude.

[C]

Do you know what? I've genuinely never watched any cosplay.

[B]

Oh, that's great.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, look, you gotta do some separation here. Wait, is it a 67 from critics?

[B]

Well, they have to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's. Yeah. But you can't have revisionist history on what's a good stand up. Although I guess the hard thing is he did name it himself.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Also you can like, if you.

[A]

It's hard to separate.

[B]

Right.

[C]

When was the last time you watched Raw?

[A]

Because now there's a few. Cosby's whole thing is he was clean. That was like kind of the hippocott the pie.

[C]

That's not to besmirch fucking Raw. But the first 10 minutes of Eddie Murphy's Raw, you're like, oh, yep. Okay.

[B]

That's wild.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. He's just coming out, being like, there's some.

[A]

There's still some great bits in there, though.

[B]

Oh, it's a great spot.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that first 10 minutes is him coming out and saying, yeah, I'm not gonna let any of you fuck me. And you're like, oh, boy.

[A]

Which, by the way, that's not how straight dudes talk.

[B]

No, it's not.

[A]

It's just a weird thing to say.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. But he was dressed in skin tight leather. Yeah.

[A]

Which is not how straight guys dress.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

I'm buzzing for the. The Murphy documentary.

[A]

It looks amazing. Is he doing that instead of the stand up special? Because I think so. There was a period where he was gonna do a stand up special.

[B]

I know he can't do it because he's gonna have to bomb for a year.

[A]

Yeah, you have to be, as we said, you have to be a cripple.

[C]

Yeah, right. I don't know if this is true, but what I'd always heard about like Chris Rock, that blew my mind. I hope this is true. Whenever he was doing the material, if he was at the Cellar or the Improv or whatever, he would purposefully eat shit and do awful jokes for like the first five minutes so that like the audiences. Because, like, for the first three minutes, if you're Chris Rock, the audience are laughing at anything, everything, whether it's funny or not. And he knew that. So he would purposely do like 10, 5 to 10 minutes of shit stuff so that the audience was so bored and like, oh my God, Chris Rock sack. And then he'd go into his actual material because then he'd get a real gauge of it.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

And if that's true, that requires a level of fucking ego.

[A]

That's some Jedi stuff that I cannot.

[C]

My fucking narcissism.

[A]

I don't know if that's true.

[C]

Never.

[A]

But what's the first thing Rock says when he goes on stage of the Cellar?

[B]

Lower your expectations. Yeah. But he does also read off a thing and not do the big shtick, like the big act outs.

[C]

Because it would be.

[A]

It would be insincere to do that, that level of theatrics in a room as small as a cellar and doing.

[B]

New shit, new ideas.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You don't have the confidence for, like, the cadence yet. But yeah, he'll kind of almost do it deadpan, which is actually really fun to watch because you're like, oh, he's just letting the joke do all the work here. There's no performing, really. But yeah, he's fun to watch work out for.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

He's one of my favorites to watch work out.

[B]

Cause you get the real idea.

[C]

Yeah, man, I'd love to watch him do new.

[B]

He's at the Cellar. I saw him the other night.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

He's around. Are you popping on this one week?

[C]

No, I'm, I'm, I'm. I. My pop. I always, man, I love the seller. And I've only ever been looked after there by like, the staff who you should come by. Dude, I st. I just, I feel like. I don't know, it feels. I, I, I always just feel like an imposter whenever I'm there. Nobody else has made me feel that way. But just like, I've, I've done gigs there. I've had great gigs there.

[A]

The staff.

[C]

The staff me out to like, the, the birthday parties and stuff. I've only ever been. I love, I love the seller. Nothing but compliments. But, yeah, I always. It intimidates me being there. I feel.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah. Just because coming from Scotland and like, growing up on, like, stand up. Because the only stand up culture you hear about is stand up culture in America because, you know, our scene just isn't as old. And like, there was that first time when I was like, oh, my God, I'm. I'm. I'm satisfied sat at the table.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like.

[C]

Which is like the thing.

[A]

That's how we felt that when we were new there. Right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Remember how nervous we used to be?

[C]

Of course, the only thing you hear about in the podcast, it's like, sitting at the table is a big deal. And the first time I sat there, it felt, like, amazing. And then I. I don't know. Just every time, I'm just, like. I still just feel like I didn't earn my place in the Cellar because I did my career everywhere else. I think it's maybe part of that.

[B]

You're funnier than half of them. Get over there.

[C]

Like, I'm allowed to pop up. I'm allowed to pop.

[A]

You're a road dog. It's.

[B]

You're a real.

[C]

Yeah, but I'm a European road dog. I'm not even, like, a real American.

[A]

Go everywhere, dude. Yeah. And you've been doing it for ever now.

[C]

Yeah. 18 goddamn years.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn. Look, I'll get a bag of blow.

[A]

We'll all go.

[B]

No.

[C]

Got my attention.

[B]

Yeah. Come by anytime.

[C]

You guys up this week?

[A]

I'm there tonight.

[B]

I'm there tonight as well.

[A]

I'm there every night, actually.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Well, I may Text us.

[A]

I'm there.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah, I think I'm there every night.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, you can just pop in and.

[A]

Pop in, you know, Liz. Yeah, yeah, we'll do it off.

[B]

Well, are you doing. You're doing, like, an hour around town, right? Are you doing the.

[C]

Yeah, I'm doing the Soho Playhouse. Playhouse.

[A]

And where you at with your new hour? How you feeling?

[C]

Pretty good. I was. I've been doing it for a bit. I was really happy with it about. For the first, like, five shows I did here. And then I've sort of like. I think, you know, when you get to the point where you, like, maybe you don't actually, but, like, you get to the point where you're like, that's the perfect way to tell that joke. I'm just gonna tell it that way every time, which for me, just makes me get bored of my material so fucking quickly, which wasn't what I intended to do when I was here. So it just. Yeah, it got to the. I had great shows all weekend, but I was like, you know, when you do a good show and you don't enjoy it and you're like, right, well, there's something wrong with the material then. Like, it's. It's good.

[A]

There's still nothing that's part of running into the ground. I think you just. Part of the process.

[C]

Yeah. But no matter. I'm a comedian. No matter how many times I learned that lesson, I ever learned that goddamn lesson.

[A]

Yeah. No, you tell it again and again, and then you start to hate it, and then you're like, I need a new bit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Hopefully something happens because, yeah, I hate Sometimes we're doing more sets than we are writing, you know, and that's. That's where you get a little crazy. That's when you got to live a little bit too. But we don't ever take.

[C]

I'm also doing like a bit of a fucking. Not narrative, but it's a story kind of all the way through it. And then there's. I mean, there's some days you're excited to tell the story, and then there's other days I'm just like. This podcast kicked off the fucking story. My show is about the Russell Brand thing.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Because when the documentary came out, I was the only comedian that did the documentary. And when it all came out and people were like talking about me being the only one in the documentary. The last time I was on this podcast and we were drunk, you mentioned Russell Brand. And I was like, there's some rumors which I probably shouldn't say.

[A]

Did you Hannibal Burris to his costume, the white version.

[C]

So the black person did it first.

[A]

What's kind of like the comedy beef Cat Williams started in the black one. Then we brought it over here.

[B]

Right, Right. Whoa. So is he going to jail or what?

[C]

Cause I know he's due in court next year.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

He's doing court next year. Because there's a bunch of. After the documentary came out, a lot more women felt the confidence to come forward because, you know, up until then they were just like. Well, I guess it was just a lone incident.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Yeah. Which is why he's now know he's over here now. And he. Because he needs a conspiracy theory audience. That's why he started being.

[B]

Right.

[C]

He started being very. He started being very anti Covid and the masks and all that stuff. Not because he believed in it, but because he knew that if the mainstream media was going to accuse him of the things that he did. He needs a conspicuous audience who doesn't trust the mainstream media. He used to be. When Russell started, he was a socialist. He was talking about the dangers of late stage capitalism. He would speak about how dangerous Fox News was and how awful Sky News was and the fact that Rupert Murdoch told. He would talk about all this stuff. Spiritual, deeply against organized religion, all this stuff now. Now born again Christian at Charlie Kirk's funeral with Tucker Carlson selling crystals to fucking idiots.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Because he needs. He doesn't believe any of the things he's saying.

[A]

I bought some of those crystals, so I'm back.

[B]

They weren't.

[A]

How's your hurt? I feel stronger. I feel a lot stronger.

[B]

I didn't know. Crystal span from the kooky, like, hipster lady to the right wing.

[A]

Oh, it all.

[C]

It all comes around.

[B]

It all comes around.

[A]

The far left ain't that different.

[B]

It's a horseshoe. You're right.

[A]

But, yeah, a lot of Bernie people went to Trump.

[C]

Did they?

[B]

Yes, that's true.

[A]

A lot of them did.

[B]

That's true. Bernie Bros, dude.

[A]

I mean, that's interesting that you say that about him, though, because I don't know a ton about him. I really don't.

[C]

Well, even the allegations are false. He's still one of the worst comedians ever lived.

[B]

I never liked comedy.

[C]

No, he stinks. It. He stinks.

[B]

And he ruined Arthur.

[C]

Yes. He fucking.

[A]

That was. That was a big swing to try to come in and do a better job than Dudley Moore. The original. And also John Giggler. Didn't he win the Oscar for the original?

[B]

Oh, I don't know.

[A]

The original is unbelievable.

[B]

It's great.

[A]

If you haven't seen the original Oscar. Oscar.

[B]

Arthur.

[A]

Arthur. You should watch that. It's one of the best.

[C]

Yeah. My parents made me. I think my grandparents made me watch.

[A]

That when I was a great script. Hilarious joke.

[B]

Just basically stand up.

[A]

It's almost like a Dangerfield type.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like rhythm of just great jokes.

[C]

Is that who fucking Liza Minnelli is? I watched that because I've always. Ever. I've only ever heard Liza Minnelli as a reference point for mostly gay comedians.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And it was just something in my head that I was like, oh, God.

[A]

You see Mateo's act?

[C]

That's exactly what I was referencing.

[A]

He does a good impression of her.

[C]

Yeah. I love Matteo Lane.

[A]

Oh, yeah. He's my neighbor.

[B]

He's great.

[C]

Is he?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Thick walls.

[A]

I wish they were a little thicker. No, it's. That was a big. I think. Yeah. I think the original Arthur is incredible. That's a big swing to do that.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, he was the golden boy for a minute. He did Sarah Marshall and all that.

[A]

He was good in that.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, I. You told about this, but he also did get him to the Greek with Jonah Hill and P. Diddy. Whoa. Seeing the. Seeing the credits of them is Jonah.

[A]

Hill's okay, though, right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

They got. He saw it semi canceled in the sense that, like, there was an ex girlfriend who said that he was a bit of a guy.

[A]

I hate that, though.

[B]

Yeah. I don't go public with text.

[A]

I think it's weird when it's like. When it's like you were in a bad relationship. Let's play. Is everything blast worthy now?

[B]

I know.

[A]

Like, Diddy. I'll give you.

[C]

Did he?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

But it was. I think it was at the time when, like, people who white women had learned and white men who went to therapy learned the term gaslighting.

[A]

And I'd be happy if I never.

[C]

Heard two years where it was like, let's throw. That's the new buzzword. Let's throw it everywhere.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I can't remember what comedian. Oh, yeah. Tom Stades, Canadian comedian, lives in the uk, Is great. One of my favorite bits. Bits. He's like youth of the day, coming up with all these new terms. Gaslighting is apparently really bad. Back away. We used to call it lying, and that's how you got late.

[B]

Good point. Good point.

[A]

I thought that was Russell.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. There you go.

[B]

Damn. Oh, yeah. So many comedians out there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I didn't know there was this pipeline between Canada and England.

[C]

So many. A lot of the. Many of the. The lot of the comedians who I considered to be, like, the greats and the ones I certainly looked up to growing up was Tom Stade, Mike Wilmot, fucking Sean Collins. Just fucking heaps that. Yeah, they just went, and they're still doing it. Katherine Ryan, Canadian, lives in the UK now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

She's big.

[C]

Yeah, she's fucking huge now.

[B]

Wow. I had no idea. You'd think you just go right down to the border, right down. America.

[C]

Yeah, but America's so hard to.

[B]

Right?

[C]

It's so hard to.

[A]

We have friends who came here. And also. Also the immigration fees are insane. Like, it's. Get a lawyer. It's. It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, good point. Well, hey, I thought I. I talked to a guy earlier. I thought he was gonna pop in, but I guess not. Oh, yeah, yeah. Russell Brand.

[C]

Oh, man, I'd love to.

[A]

Yeah. Do you guys know each other at all?

[C]

No. I mean, he. I mean, he knows who I am. I was the only person in the documentary, and there's absolutely zero way he didn't watch it. He was also the judge on Comedy Roast battles in the uk when again. And every comedian in the UK knew about these rumors. And again, they were only just rumors, but we all knew the rumors when we were all on Comedy Central.

[B]

Roast.

[C]

Roast Battle. Comedy Central UK being like, nothing's off limits. This is the fucking. And they were like, none of you are allowed to do jokes about Russell Brand's sexual history. And we all went, well, that. That's sus. Right? That's a bit fucking sus to me. Straight away you have to change rape.

[A]

Jokes to like, he's weird looking, this guy. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

What a verbose. I guess. And that was actually the, that was actually where Katherine Ryan like called him.

[B]

Out, but it wasn't aired.

[C]

And then she spoke about it on a later show being like, there's a well known predator.

[A]

Does she make a good joke about it?

[C]

No, I think she was, I mean she was just, you know, she was just like, you are.

[B]

Damn, Damn.

[A]

And the crowd's waiting for a punchline like that.

[C]

Yeah, well. Cuz the audience didn't know. Yeah, like, you know, so many people didn't know. Like it was, you know, one of those things where, you know, it was a, you know, open secret in the UK because you'd heard the rumors, but you can't do anything with rumors. You can't go to the police with rumors. You know, they hate us.

[A]

That something about like a straight guy being like acting like really gay kind of turns in like a Venn diagram of like rapey.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Look no further than David Williams in the uk. He's like a straight guy that pretends to be gay. Hella allegations.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We got a couple straight pretend to be gay guys here.

[A]

I've been cockblocked by a few.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh yeah, they're good.

[B]

Good. They are good.

[A]

Not a comedy but.

[C]

I'm just a gay guy pretending to be straight.

[B]

Yeah. I saw. Texted Jimmy Carr earlier, he's in town and he said I'll probably pop by.

[C]

Oh yeah.

[B]

But I guess not.

[C]

He's excellent. I've always.

[B]

He's a killer.

[C]

He's also such, you know, I know, I understand some people might have some bad things to say about Jimmy. What I've noticed about him, he's one of the most supportive comics.

[A]

I like Jimmy World.

[C]

He. I did 8 out of 10 Cats, which is a show in the UK for the first time directly thanks to him. Like I was. I bumped into him at gig when I was about 20 or 21 and I was like, oh my God, you know, you're Jimmy Khan. He's like, oh yeah, you're. I've heard about you, Daniel Slaws. And he watched me do a set and like normally, obviously your agent's books, everything. And he just came up and he was like, do you want to do eight or 10 cats?

[A]

Two weeks?

[C]

And I was like, are you serious? And then. Yeah, I was, I was on it.

[B]

Yeah. Those shows are huge, right?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The panel shows yeah, yeah. Wow. What a guy.

[C]

I was such a young. Yeah. There I am, the third. Look at that long hair. It's the third one along. That's me on the leg.

[A]

Zoom in on this.

[C]

And the other one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's me as a. Yeah.

[B]

W. Look like Cobain or something. That's wild.

[C]

The Bieber haircut, man. Man. Holy. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Damn. You did.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. That was. I mean, I've had. I've had many iterations. I'm like the worst Pokemon. There's three stages.

[A]

Look at that hair.

[C]

Three stages of my evolution and all are shite.

[B]

Are you familiar with Hanson? Yeah. Whoa. That's wild. Yeah. Car. What a workhorse. I mean, this guy's writing a million jokes, hosting this on the road. He's got kids.

[A]

He's on the road like a motherfucker.

[B]

Crazy.

[C]

Well, I mean, he had to be for a bit. He was a tax dodger. Jimmy's open about this. Jimmy's been open about this book is.

[B]

I'm not.

[C]

I'm not. I would never doubt Jimmy in anything. I love him. But in his show, he was like, the reason I do two shows is because when he dodged the taxpayer base, he's like, pay by the tax man. One shows for the tax man and one's for me.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

That's how he does it. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And he is the. I mean, I think the hardest working man.

[A]

How do you that successful? And you must have a good accountant and you die. I mean, is it a conscious choice to be like, fuck you, I'm not paying taxes.

[C]

Well, I mean, I have the actual. God, I don't know how much I can say on air.

[B]

Come on.

[C]

So the rumor is, the story is that he. It wasn't his decision to, like, he was given an accountant, and it was sort of told to him that because his tax dodging was legal, it's nothing different than the billionaires do in this country where they keep all their money offshore. His was all sort of technically above board, and it was suggested by somebody. Let's just say somebody in his team had suggested it, said it. That it would be fine. And also, Jimmy loves.

[B]

Okay. But, yeah, you never know.

[C]

And I think, look, he's paid it back on now. And he also had the funniest response because when he was doing eight out of 10 cats, which is a week, like a topical news show where they talk about the stuff in the week they do the show, the week that it all comes out about Jimmy, and he lets the other comedians roast him because he deserves to be roast. He knows he did wrong.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

He gets roasted for like 10, 15 minutes. And then John Richardson, great UK comedian, is like, all jokes aside, here's how. Why. What you did is like, all poor people pay tax and you didn't. And it's not the. You know, the government will never take the money from the rich people. They'll only increase the taxes of the poorer people to make it worse. So you weren't stealing from the government, you were stealing from everyone else, which is a very, very good point. And Jimmy sits there and he takes it when he gets all the abuse and he goes, you know, I could sit up here and say that I'm sorry and point to all the efforts I've made with charity over the years and all the money that I've given to charities, but I don't think lying will help my case.

[A]

Wow, that's great.

[C]

Yeah. Such a funny.

[B]

Damn. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Damn. He kept it funny.

[A]

Got to keep it funny when you up.

[C]

Well, he's just. He's the consummate.

[B]

He's the quickest. Yeah.

[A]

Work.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow. What. Good for Jimmy. Paid his debt to society and now he's back.

[C]

And he loves money so much.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

For me, I got to a certain point where I was like, once. Once your house is paid off, you know, how much. How much realistically do you need to earn?

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Like, once the house is paid off, kids are happy. Kids are happy. Two cars after that, I. I'm like, I'm slowing down. How much I work, I'm slowing down, how much I tour, because was it Jimmy guy? I've got no doubt he loves his kids. Not as much as he loves doing it.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But he's put half of it into his face. He's really, really worked on himself. But he's open about it. He's open about it. This would be a weird time.

[A]

This is all. This is all. He's like, I was told you weren't gonna talk about this. My face, my tax problem. These are all this.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[C]

I was gonna say.

[A]

Yeah. I love Jimmy.

[C]

Yeah. Does he drink? Did he drink with us?

[B]

I don't think he did.

[A]

I don't know if he might have.

[B]

Cracked an ale, but I don't know if he touched it.

[A]

I mean, not everyone.

[C]

Everyone's so fucking.

[A]

We get so many people being like, I don't drink. And we're just like, you don't have to. We'd love a day off every once in a while, but, I mean, it's Fun when people drink. But, yeah, we've had people who, I guess are, you know, in the program, and they have a publicist who's just like, I'm not even bringing this to them. And we're like, yeah, I mean, you don't have to drink.

[B]

Yeah, we've been.

[C]

Last time I did this podcast, I. I don't think. I think we started recording at, like, 2 or something. I hadn't had any lunch that day.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

I walked out.

[A]

I remember being fucked up, man.

[C]

That was a big. Because I think. I think you were making like. Somebody was making his, like, drinks and bringing them in concert.

[A]

Yeah, we fought that down because that's. That presents a problem.

[C]

Yeah, man. The show I had that night, like, I very. I remember having to tell the audience that I'd done this podcast. I had to be like, I'm sorry. Sorry.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That I'm so drunk. But it's because I did a podcast.

[B]

Everybody loved the episode except Russell Brand, man.

[C]

This is one of the one. This is genuinely, like. I'm very grateful to the. The fans of this show because this is, like, my most requested one to come back on.

[A]

Oh, hell, yeah.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people like, it was a great episode. I'm like, well, obviously, I can't remember what it was, but I'm gonna trust you all when you say it was a good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. You made a splash. Remember you talked about the glass. Go, smile. And I think it went crazy viral. It got like, 10 million views.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

The.

[C]

With the razor blade. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know if I've got any other good Scottish violence stories since then, but it's not. It's not like we've calmed down.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You obviously know about the Glasgow Kiss.

[B]

What's that? Is that.

[C]

It's just a headbutt.

[B]

Oh, that's.

[C]

But that's what it's called. Glasgow Kisses somebody gets. Because, like, a lot of Scotland asking.

[A]

A woman for consent kind of way weird.

[C]

A lot of Scotland's like, do you know what squaring up means? Like, if you're squaring up to someone, the Scottish. You want to fight. You want to fight. Glasgow kisses. Shut up.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Just straight in Headcore. I Just Talking about this on Ed Sod's podcast.

[B]

Yeah, you brought up.

[C]

But yeah, it's.

[A]

You made the round, man.

[C]

Yeah. Well, also, man, I love. I. I think Dan Soders is so cool.

[A]

He's a great guy.

[B]

He's about to blow up.

[C]

I think Drew McIntyre. Of course he does. Of course he does.

[B]

Do you claim more England or Scotland at this point?

[C]

Scotland.

[B]

Okay, Scotland.

[C]

The English. The English. And I say this is somebody who. Half my family's English. I would say 90% of my friends are English. A lot of my fans are English. I love going to England before performing. There's so many beautiful places, you know, I love it. How about England to Death? Oh, Liverpool.

[A]

Yeah, it's great.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The Hot Water Comedy Club. Yeah, your poster was there when I was there. That's my buddy right there.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. What Hot Water did was really, really exceptional in that they were like the first comedy club in the UK to have that little fucking camera that recorded everything. And for their host, Paul Smith, who's now one of the most famous comedians in the uk, like, sells out multiple, multiple arenas regularly. The reason he's famous because he was just their resident emcee and they would just film all of his stuff. Cause it's all on crowd work. They would just cut his stuff up, put it online, and he blew the fuck up, like, so in the same way that, like, I've always said that you guys, at least from my perspective from the uk, you guys were like some of the first comedians over here to do the clips.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

At a time where beforehand people were like. There was a sort of snootiness to like, oh, you know, I'm not doing this. And then you guys did it and you fucking smashed it. And then the game changed after the. Our equivalent of that in the UK was very much what Paul Smith and Hot Water Dead. So I love that club.

[A]

I loved it.

[C]

It's so good.

[A]

I want to go back, really. I was like, this is. It felt like Comedy on State. Denver. Comedy.

[C]

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Comedy on State's a great one. Epic. It's just. And I. I love Liverpool and I make fun of them all. It's such a shame about the horrific accent.

[B]

It truly is.

[A]

Truly.

[C]

It's amazing, Liverpool.

[A]

It takes you a second.

[C]

You're like, wait, what's that actually fucking English. Liverpool is very lucky that Birmingham exists for the worst accent in the uk. But for those who might not know, Birmingham's the fucking Peaky Blinders accent. And God, does it make me racist.

[B]

It's hilarious.

[A]

I guess it's like for here it'd be like a real deep southern accent or something.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

No, I'm a foreigner, man. There's a fucking charm to the southern accent.

[A]

Oh, I mean, to us too. But it's still.

[C]

It's.

[A]

It is funny when you see Like a real thick one. You're like, what?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

How many generations ago did you own slaves?

[B]

That's what I want.

[A]

Just one.

[C]

We're bringing it back, baby.

[B]

I didn't. Because I. I didn't know about this. Paul. Is it Paul Smith?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

I did the podcast in Liverpool. Is it Mike Row. Oh, I love those guys. Adam Row. Great pop.

[A]

Those guys are awesome.

[B]

Great guys.

[C]

Word, Bodge.

[A]

I love.

[C]

Again, the. Came from Liverpool. Yeah, Great guys. They were the first ones that sort of went. We're going to take the American podcast format, which was working for everyone, especially the rise of, you know, your mother's house and all that stuff.

[B]

Your mother's house.

[C]

Your mom's house. Yeah, we call it your mother's house. I like that uk, that's, you know.

[B]

Clean it up a little bit classier. Yeah.

[C]

And yeah, man, I did their. I did their roast three weeks ago in. In Glasgow. They're great.

[B]

Oh, dude, Glasgow. I just. I played there twice.

[A]

Well, I was with them that day when they were leaving for the road. Oh, yeah, yeah. I did a pod that day.

[B]

Yeah, they're good. Good eggs. But I did Glasgow. I couldn't. I was getting heckled. I couldn't understand them.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, it's the th.

[A]

Yeah, it was a lot of. What was that?

[B]

A lot of that. I think he called me a. But I can't tell.

[C]

No, he wouldn't called you if Glasgow. He wouldn't called you would have called you a poof to.

[B]

That might have been it.

[C]

You fucking woofed her.

[B]

What was the name of the poof?

[A]

I like that better. It sounds a little softer.

[C]

I like that. Yeah. Poof is. Look, poof is homophobic, but if you ask any poof in Scotland, none of them care about the word poof. We call, you know, like Alka Seltzer's. Yeah, that's called poof juice in the uk. Any.

[A]

Why is that?

[C]

Cause it's a gay drink.

[B]

You're right.

[C]

I'm SmirnOffice Add Sweet. You know, tart fuel indigestion.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It feels anti Semitic.

[C]

Mike. Mike's Hards Lemonade. That's poof joke.

[B]

Okay, that makes sense. That makes sense. Yeah. White Claw.

[C]

Yeah, Any. Any of that. You know, it comes from that masculinity of. Here we go.

[B]

I'd love to see Eddie Murphy doing this. You. All these poofs looking at my ass.

[C]

Poof is poof is fun. Look, I dislike genuine homophobia, unfortunately. Homophobia. The original homophobes came out with some great slur. The original homophobes came out with some banging.

[B]

I agree.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like arse bandit. That's so funny.

[B]

Pillow biter.

[C]

A poo pirate.

[A]

Was it hard in the wrong place? Yes. Was the creative on point?

[B]

Absolutely, yes. I mean, the racist jokes, the old ones are very clever. How do you stop a black guy from raping a chick? Throw him a bag basketball. I mean, there's some thought in there.

[C]

Batting for the other team.

[B]

Yeah. And he gets no credit. No love.

[C]

Bean queen described Mexican homosexuals.

[B]

Bean queen. That's great.

[A]

That's awful.

[B]

That's clever. Butterfly boy.

[C]

Butterfly boy. Effeminate man. That would be me.

[B]

Chaser. Okay. Corn.

[A]

That's how you know the booze is hitting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With the point of the power. We're just reading slurs.

[C]

Bold Dyke. Oh, here's the other one. So dyke means. Is a street in Scotland. Oh, right, so.

[A]

So it comes from Scotland.

[C]

No, no, the word dyke means street. So I used to live around the corner from Back Dykes. Like Back Dykes is where my. I used to visit my friends to. To go and play.

[B]

Right.

[C]

They lived in the dikes.

[B]

Ah. Well, dyke here is like a port or it's like a. I think it's.

[A]

Spelled differently though, isn't it?

[B]

Oh, is it?

[C]

Okay, also, I think I just saw foop as a homophobic slur there, which is just poof backwards.

[B]

That's for the dyslexic. Well, yeah. What is dick? Dyke. Here is two primary meanings. Lesbian, but also. Oh, it is spelled different.

[C]

Yeah. And the cockney. The cockney term for lesbian is a rusty. Because Rusty bike dyke. So a couple of rusties.

[B]

I love that.

[A]

A couple leaps there. Yeah.

[C]

But that's what cognitive rhyme with slang is. Apple and pears is stairs. It's the rhyming. It's a very stupid and frustrating thing that I'm clad. Is dying out. But there are some. Some. There are some bangers in there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Guy Richie had a few of those in his movies.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Written all over your Chevy Chase.

[C]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay, well, geez.

[C]

A hip hitter. Great. Hey, left handed is so funny. Just left handed, Nancy. Yeah. I mean, look, I agree with that. Stoke on Trent. Just calling. Oh, there you go. Courtney Rhyme was thing. He's stoke. Stoke on Trent. Bent. Oh, so he's stoke.

[B]

Got it.

[C]

Stoke. The fires would be way too close to the etymology of.

[B]

Right. The bundle of sticks.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My friend Reese Nicholson, great comedian. Him and his partner every year for Christmas. Get a giant bundle of sticks. Wrap Christmas lights around. I can call it the Christmas was.

[B]

Is he the well dressed guy?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, Reese is the best.

[A]

The seller. Yeah, it was.

[C]

At least they've done air Conan a bunch of times.

[B]

Oh, nice, nice. So this is slurs for feminine men Brownie. But Pirate bender Bum chum is great. Oh, that's good.

[C]

Chney ferret.

[B]

Hilarious.

[C]

Chney fenders.

[A]

That's what you just want to do to it.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[C]

Pons. I remember Pawns Pullabo. Shirt lifter.

[B]

Great Shirt lifter. Turd burglar. Turd burglar's a fucking brilliant.

[A]

That's like fucking. That's like a top 20 hit top.

[C]

It's also. I mean, that's. That's homophobic because it's so funny to assume that the reason gay men are other men in the ass is because they want to steal your poo. That is such. Because that's also what Poo pirate is just not understandable.

[A]

But it's also just the worst.

[C]

Gays are fucking bums because they want.

[A]

To steal our boo. But turd and burglar are both already.

[B]

Funny words on their own Combination. Hold on. You had some lesbians at the bottom of the list there, Puncher.

[C]

I enjoy Todger Dodger is funny.

[B]

What's a todger? Todger is your will Carpet muncher. That's a classic.

[A]

That is one of the top.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rug muncher.

[C]

Rug muncher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

All right. Well, where are you gonna be there? What do you got coming up on the road? Yeah. You back out there at all? Yeah. You got some dates to plug?

[C]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah. Look, this, this, this thing is. Show is going on the road of Edge. So I'm taking some time off when I get home doing mostly. Yeah, here we go. The UK and then doing Turkey, because I just love Turkey. And then start next year is when we start doing.

[A]

I heard Budapest. Amazing.

[C]

Budapest is the.

[A]

I've heard it's.

[C]

Do the gigs.

[B]

Do the gigs.

[C]

Do the gigs.

[A]

I'm definitely going in.

[C]

I will give you the contact information in Vienna.

[B]

Please.

[A]

I want to go to all this.

[B]

I'd love to.

[A]

Yeah. We're gonna do all of it. We're gonna do.

[C]

If you're gonna. If you do India go. You go out with dead aunt. They know what to do. They've taken Mia, they've taken Jason Nick out. They're about to take John Marco out. And again, India, you're not making money when you go there. The first Time. Because if you want to talk about the cost of living crisis in the rest of the world, it's affected India a whole bunch. So it's like you've got to make. You don't want to out price the working class. And the working class earn slightly less than the. Not marginal, less than the rest of the world. So if you do there, you don't go out to India with the idea of making money in the first year. You'll make a bet. But it's, you know, I understand for you guys you're traveling halfway around the world. It's the best. It's one of the most important places in the world to visit and experience. Nobody does it better than dead. And.

[B]

Okay, wait. All right.

[C]

And then also my American tour will be announced, I think in the next couple of months. I'll be here October next year, I think.

[B]

Okay. Okay. All right. Boy, fun stuff. Amsterdam, you're everywhere.

[C]

Yeah. Budapest, Turkey, Vienna. All the fun places.

[A]

I just got Reno, November 29th. The Atlantis and Carnegie Hall. New York, New York, December 4th.

[C]

So let's go. That's awesome.

[A]

That's all I got, yo.

[B]

Thank you. Local boy makes it.

[A]

It's November 29th. I was right, right. Been drinking.

[C]

Because I've done. I've done Beacon a bunch of times and Beacon for me is like the.

[A]

Biggest vegan's, probably the best.

[C]

But in terms of also I believe, and correct me if I'm wrong here, I believe Carnegie was Scottish. I could be very wrong. I could be thinking of a different Carnegie. My history isn't as good.

[B]

I believe it's Andrew.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, if it's Andrew Carnegie, that I'm almost 100% correct.

[B]

Okay. Hey, look at that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's a. Yes. Because there's a fucking Carnegie hall in Dunfarmlin, which is seven miles from where I fucking grew up.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, yeah.

[C]

Great. Awesome.

[B]

Good call. All right. Hey, I'm all over the place. Mystic Lake Casino in Minneapolis. Then Camp Kansas City. Back to the clubs to build the new hour. Des Moines, Brea, California and Grand Rond, Oregon. Never heard of that. New Brunswick, San Antonio, we're all over.

[A]

Get our bodega cat on that menu. Dude, New Brunswick. Yeah, you better. You better be listening to us. You lied to us. You said you were serving it.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know that. Get it. Tulsa, Arizona, Indianapolis.

[C]

Say that.

[B]

Say that.

[C]

Go back to that. Arizona. Want to say that. Say that.

[B]

I can't do it. Sahuarita.

[A]

That sounds right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I nailed It.

[C]

I probably shouldn't have done a Mexican woman's voice.

[B]

You're a bean counter. What is it?

[C]

A bean cat? You're a bean burglar for a lesbian.

[B]

He's racking them up. Any of that buffalo and we're a way out. Portland especially.

[C]

She's licking her finger before turning.

[B]

Yeah, exactly. Yes.

[A]

You're going hard, dude. I got it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got to start poking my neck.

[B]

Shit. Yeah. All right. Thanks a lot. Check out sloth on the road. Do all this stuff. You got a pod.

[C]

Yeah, we've taken a big hiatus, okay. Because it was cold sauce and Huffy's on the road. And then I stopped being on the road.

[B]

All right, well, happy Thanksgiving. Get some bodega cat. It's perfect for the family. You're gonna need it with your drunk uncle. Hang out with the fam. Get some turkey.

[A]

Have a great Thanksgiving. And we're grateful for you. We're thankful for you guys. So thanks for listening, guys.

[B]

Sorry, Native Americans.

[C]

Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of piva wreck. You know, the beer juice. Close. I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking shit about the Pope. And I get down in the same way. Up on the roof like a Cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans. This woman doesn't look like I remember her. And I get down in the same way. We might be true. Limu Emu.

[A]

And Doug.

[C]

Here we have the Limu emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds. With Liberty Mutual.

[A]

Fascinating.

[C]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

[A]

Cut the camera.

[C]

They see us.

[A]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

[C]

Liberty Savings.

[A]

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[C]

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