Ep 263: JP McDade - Rachel Feinstein - Scott Rogowsky : Holi-daze with Mark Normand and Sam Morril

Summary

We Might Be Drunk – Ep 263: Holi-daze with Mark Normand, Sam Morril, JP McDade, Rachel Feinstein, and Scott Rogowsky

Date: December 22, 2025

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Episode Overview

This festive holiday episode brings together NYC comedians Mark Normand and Sam Morril with special guests JP McDade, Rachel Feinstein, and Scott Rogowsky for drinks, laughs, and candid stories. The group, joined by bartender Maddie, dives into comedy, personal anecdotes, roasts, memorable gigs, relationships, and holiday plans. The episode is packed with banter, classic bits, and unfiltered conversation.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Holiday Vibes, Drinks & Banter

[00:06 – 02:30]

• The crew sets a merry vibe with holiday decorations and a Menorah.
• Maddie, the bartender, introduces custom cocktails: eggnog, “Cumtini,” and Old Fashioneds with ginger powder from Zanzibar.
  • Mark jokes: “What are women complaining about swallowing? This is fucking incredible.” – Mark [06:35]
• Light jokes about OnlyFans, Craigslist, and bartender attire set the raucous tone.

[02:34 – 05:32]

• Mark recounts flying Delta One to LA for Adam Ray’s show, touting the luxury lounge, sushi, and the travel perks.
• “JFK, your own entrance. You walk through. You feel like Catch Me If You Can.” – Mark [03:31]

2. Comedy Gigs & Celebrity Sightings

[05:32 – 08:13]

• Mark describes performing at the Wiltern in LA alongside a “who’s who” of comedians: Harlan Williams, “Urkel," and Santino.
• Mark gets nervous seeing (mistaken) Sydney Sweeney in the audience, shares comedic anxiety:
  • “I just went to high school me of like, she’s hot, I’m not. She’s cool, I’m a nerd.” – Mark [11:53]
• The group jokes about celebrity dating lives and DMs, riffing on viral Zion Williamson and Sydney Sweeney texts.

3. Roasting Culture & Writing for Awards Shows

[19:08 – 24:35]

• Guest JP McDade (comedy writer and impressionist) joins, sharing experiences writing for the Golden Globes, including working on Nikki Glaser’s monologue:
  • "Timothée Chalamet, you have such beautiful eyelashes on your upper lip." – JP [20:18]
• Discussion on the best and shortest roast jokes, and how material changes in “black rooms” and LA clubs.
• “Black rooms are hard to run roast jokes in, especially when you're two white guys.” – Sam [22:33]
• The tricky dynamic of punch-up rooms and joke-pitching is explored: “Bombing pitching something in a room like that is way worse than bombing in standup.” – JP [24:06]

4. Family, Holiday & Travel Plans

[24:39 – 27:44]

• The group shares holiday plans:
  • JP is heading to Pittsburgh with his girlfriend; Mark to Cape Cod; Sam to New Orleans (timed to the Knicks schedule).
  • “I'm just going to get shit-faced in bars every night.” – Sam [26:38]
• The comedians trade tips for surviving “meat sweats” at Fogo de Chao and their favorite spots in New Orleans.

5. Comedy, Drugs & Adulthood

[27:44 – 28:14]

• Sam and Mark riff on Adderall and Concerta as performance enhancers for relationships and comedy:
  • “You ever take an Adderall and really listen to your girlfriend?” – Sam [27:21]
• Mark shares that Adderall is “the best hangover cure ever.”

6. Rowdy Stories & “Craziest Girls”

[52:15 – 56:32]

• Rachel Feinstein and Rachel’s friend Matty come on; gifts and banter about NYPD underwear and Blue Lives Matter.
• The ongoing theme of “craziest girl ever dated” is revisited as Scott Rogowsky joins, sharing tales of whirlwind engagements:
  • “I propose May 15th, we break up August 15th.” – Scott [57:06]
• They dig into using personal stories in comedy, breakups, and handling exes’ reactions to being mentioned in jokes.
  • “You have to date somebody so emotionally devastating that they don’t care anyway.” – Rachel [60:27]

7. Sex, Generational Kinks, and Stand-Up Taboos

[73:01 – 74:17]

• Light-hearted debate about ideal penis size – Maddie: “One time I received a dick pic and it was so big that I never spoke to him again.” [74:14]
• The group explores the generational and gender differences in sexual preferences, online dating, and setups.
  • “You don’t want some sort of ludicrous dick, like that—it’s too hard to wrangle!” – Rachel [73:54]

8. Comedy Community, Clubs, and Early Days

[91:03 – 96:44]

• Nostalgia for early NYC comedy scene: The Pit, Sage, Cabin, open mics, writing sessions at coffee shops.
  • “It's a blue-collar job. Got to grind” – Mark [92:02]
• Deep appreciation for sticking with stand-up and the community formed over years.
• Supportive culture of comedians helping each other punch-up jokes and the rhythm of writing, complaining, and bonding.

9. Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “That's the micro – I extend to, like, four and a half. That's good enough.” – Scott [72:39], as the group teases him about an old stand-up bit about micropenis.
• “If a woman did that, if you guys were out on a date, wouldn't that be such a red flag?” – Rachel [50:41], about changing outfits in a bar bathroom.
• “Women always like when you like older women.” – Sam [79:24], reflecting on dating older women.

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Important Timestamps

• 00:06 – Holiday greetings and setting the scene
• 02:34 – LA trip and Delta One perks
• 06:19 – The “Cumtini” cocktail
• 11:53 – Mark’s anxiety performing for celebs
• 19:08 – JP McDade’s Golden Globes writing stories
• 22:33 – Bombing roast jokes in black rooms
• 26:38 – Sam’s New Orleans vacation strategy
• 27:21 – Adderall as “listening aid”
• 50:41 – Rachel’s “wardrobe change” red flag
• 57:06 – Scott's rapid engagement and breakup
• 72:39 – The micropenis debate
• 79:24 – Bond over older women
• 91:03 – Stand-up "class reunion" and early days nostalgia
• 96:44 – Comedy camaraderie and joke-writing ritual

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Podcast Spirit and Tone

This episode is characterized by its fast-paced, irreverent, and self-deprecating humor, typical of Mark and Sam’s chemistry. The roundtable feels like an unfiltered green room hang, delivering inside baseball anecdotes, playful roasts, very blue jokes, and genuine affection among friends. Beneath the wild stories is a clear appreciation for the grind of stand-up, the comic bond, and surviving the chaotic world of comedy.

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Guest Contributions

• JP McDade: Insights into the Golden Globes, impressions, and the evolution of roast material.
• Rachel Feinstein: Shares about firefighter audiences, dating misadventures, and writing dynamics in comedy rooms.
• Scott Rogowsky: Candid about whirlwind relationships, breakups, and using life experiences as stand-up fodder; shares about new show "Tech Savvy."
• Maddie (Bartender): Comic relief with custom cocktails and honest dating anecdotes.

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Final Segment

Plugs & Sentimentality [96:49 – End]

• Each comedian plugs their upcoming shows and projects.
• Sam reflects: “We had so much fun drinking and like, you know, meeting at the coffee shop...bouncing bits—it was good.” [93:18]
• Mark: “It's a blue-collar job. Beautiful thing. Got to grind.” [92:02]
• Scott gifts the hosts his new board game “The Good News Is…” and offers ambitious comic parting words.

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Happy Holidays from the We Might Be Drunk family – “Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. You guys are the best.” [103:06]

Transcript

[A]

Hey, happy holidays.

[B]

This is. This is. Oh, look at. We're rolling around here. This is a. This is a good time of year, man.

[A]

Look at this. I feel like Clark Griswold here. And we got a Santa. Menorah.

[B]

Kwanzaa, like every other building in. In New York. 99. Christmas. And then we stuck a little Menorah.

[A]

Yeah, we got Hanukkah's over labia majora and menorah right here. Maddie.

[B]

Maddie. We got a bartender for this episode.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Where.

[A]

Where'd they find you?

[D]

The Internet?

[C]

Ah.

[A]

Only fans. Oh, Craigslist. Hell, yeah, Craigslist. Was that around your swinging time, Peters?

[B]

Did she come with a ring with.

[D]

An inquiry for feet pics?

[B]

And that would be hilarious if Matt was doing dirty shit. He. He was like, you can come on, but you got to show us your. And we're like, Matt. Oh, my Jesus.

[A]

Oh, man. Holy hell.

[D]

I was being said. Lingerie is my costume.

[B]

Whoa. Is that what he.

[D]

With the G string?

[A]

Oh, Peters, you dog.

[B]

Peters. Apparently you're a casting couch rapist.

[E]

You sent her a G string?

[A]

A ccr. I don't know.

[D]

It came with.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, it came with. Okay.

[B]

Oh, good. Came with it too.

[A]

He still picked it.

[B]

We came with it, too, right out of the box.

[A]

Okay. Wow, Maddie, good to have you.

[D]

Good to be here.

[A]

Are you a Christian lady?

[D]

My parents never really forced any religion on me, so.

[B]

Wow. So progressive.

[D]

They've been very much like, you can do what you want.

[B]

Well, what do they celebrate?

[D]

Christmas.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So you did Christmas?

[D]

We did Christmas, but there was never, like, a church.

[A]

Sure. Same here. My parents forced something else on me, but, yeah, we had a good time. Well, yeah, you'll be. You'll be whipping up some libations, some adult.

[B]

What are we doing here?

[D]

I was thinking old fashioned.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Another one.

[B]

What's the twist?

[D]

Twist is some ginger powder that I just got from Zanzibar.

[B]

Whoa. I love it.

[A]

Anzabar lactate.

[D]

Eggnog. If anyone is feeling.

[A]

I'll do some eggnog as well. I'm just an eggnog fanatic. I put in my coffee starting December.

[B]

1St, I like a little eggnog. I can't think of it without the classic David tell joke. Elf come.

[A]

Yeah. Slap it on my neck.

[D]

I can call this cocktail to come, Teeny.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[B]

That's what he calls me when I come.

[A]

Tiny. That's good.

[B]

I'm excited. Yeah, this is a. This is a good time of year. You just. I want to hear about this show. You flew out like a psycho. For one night?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You went to. I. So I almost did a west coast trip too, for one night for the Knicks in season tournament championship. I bought the plane ticket and then I. My friends tickets fell through and I was like. I was feeling kind of sick, so I was like, let me just fucking.

[A]

Did you get a refund?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, yeah. So what you went to LA for?

[A]

I'm such a cunt. Cuz Adam Ray goes, do my show and I go, ah, it's in the middle. It's Tuesday and it's a cross country flight. He goes, I'll fly a Delta One. I said, I'm there.

[B]

Yeah, but he would have done that any day, probably. I know he's generous.

[A]

He's very generous. Although sometimes I'm like, just give me a middle seat and I'll take the pay.

[B]

No, shut up. You don't want to. You want to be going in there furious.

[A]

That's.

[B]

You got to. You got to look forward to the flight.

[A]

Well, I got bad news, fatty.

[B]

What?

[A]

I flew out there, everything was great. Delta One's amazing. You get your own. Your own entrance. It's incredible.

[B]

Yes. At the big airports you do. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[A]

Jfk, your own entrance. You walk through. You feel like, catch me if you can.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, and how about that lounge?

[A]

And the lounge is.

[B]

They're bringing out sushi suit.

[A]

Sushi, salmon drinks, happy endings galore.

[B]

It was a guy, but still the thought that counts.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, I had a ctini, it was great. And did you know, did the flight. Flight was good. Get the lay down. Amazing. You don't want the flight to end.

[B]

I watched that through. Any movies on there?

[A]

What did I watch? I watched the Darkest Hour.

[B]

Oh, I heard it's good.

[A]

It's pretty good. It's about Churchill. Churchill, I love.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Gary Oldman killed it.

[B]

He's good.

[A]

Very good. So I land in la, I go to the hotel, I shower, go straight to the Wilturn.

[B]

Where do you. Where do you put you up?

[A]

Hotel Figaro.

[B]

How is that?

[A]

Very nice, Very nice. Downtown la, but nice.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's how they get you that, that. We stayed downtown for that Netflix thing. I was like, you walk. You're like, man, this is a nice hotel. You walk 10ft, you're like, think of the hotel. That's where we'll stay. Yeah. Yeah, that was. That was dicey as fuck.

[A]

Skid row all day long. Tents, Fentanyl, skid marks.

[B]

When I walked out. Jesus Christ.

[A]

Yeah, there you go, Matty. Shake it up.

[B]

Yes. Love it.

[A]

Michael J. Fox. So go to the Wiltern. Guess who's in the. I get there, the green room's a buzz. There's food, there's a bar.

[B]

The wheel turns. Gorgeous.

[A]

Gorgeous old classic LA theater.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm already in my head, like, I flew here. I better kill it. You know, it's a sold out theater. It's the last one. Here we go. I'm a little nervous.

[B]

He's retiring. Dr. Phil.

[A]

That's it. It's over. I just showed up to make sure it was dead. That's really why I went. Enough's enough already. And I get to the green room. I'm kind of in my head. I want to do.

[B]

Well.

[A]

It's all off the cuff, you know, you can't do anything.

[B]

It's a tough show. I've done it once in Phoenix. I had fun, but I got fucking. I got wrecked that night. All I remember is Adam Carolla putting me in a headlock. He was so drunk. I think I was taking the hug his father should have gotten. And I was like, oh, fuck. But we had fun. We had fun getting lit up.

[A]

He's a strong guy, Adam Corolla.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

He's like a football player.

[B]

Yeah, There's a lot of rage there, too.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[B]

But he was fun to get drunk with.

[A]

Yeah, he can. He can put him back that. That Coroll. Yeah.

[B]

And I just. And I look like his illegitimate son, so it looked even weirder. I looked like he was like his.

[A]

Head in your arm.

[B]

I'm sorry, son.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of Brillo going on.

[B]

Oh, my God. Two eyebrows total. What? So. So who's there?

[A]

So. So it's. I don't know if I can give it away because they come out in like a month and a year, these things.

[B]

Just say it.

[A]

All right, fine. It wasn't. It was just like a who's who of his. His favorite guest. It was me, Harlan Williams, Urkel and the Big Three. And Santino.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Bobby bailed. And somebody else, so. And, you know, we're all hanging out in the green room. Oh, my God. Look at that.

[B]

What is this?

[D]

This is.

[B]

Oh, the cumtini.

[A]

Oh, eggplant.

[B]

Wow. It's nice and cold, too.

[A]

That's a great glass. Thank you. Mad.

[D]

Hope you like it.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That is too good. This is too good.

[A]

What are women complaining about? Swallowing.

[B]

This is fucking incredible.

[D]

It's not gonna hurt your stomach.

[A]

You got that right. Lactate.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That feels anti.

[B]

I drink whole milk. You don't drink whole milk.

[A]

I do, but I figured, you know.

[B]

Cuz of a Jew.

[A]

Yeah, the gods are going on down there. The gas there.

[B]

A cease fire. We can handle it. So who's the big name?

[A]

I guess there wasn't one.

[B]

What?

[A]

What?

[B]

You said there was someone big in the crowd.

[A]

Oh, in the. In the green room. In the crowd. Oh, sorry. Thought you met on stage. Yeah, so I'm already nervous and then guess who's in the room. Take a wild guess. Big celebrity.

[B]

Mike Tyson. Give me. Give me a. I'm talking current.

[A]

Like current hot celebrity.

[B]

Oh, Brad Pitt. No, but that type of celebrity.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe more pop culture. Y.

[B]

Damn. I don't know. Oh, Timothy Chalamet from Matt Peterson?

[A]

No, but Glen Powell? No, no, I'm close. I. Somebody I'd be nervous around. I see Glenn Powell. Go.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Look at that hunk.

[B]

Yeah. So like a guy or girl?

[A]

Girl.

[B]

Oh, okay. We were way off.

[E]

Bonnie Blue.

[D]

Carpenter.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

Oh, biggest.

[A]

Maybe one of the most famous ladies on the planet. No, actress. Not a singer. You guys. Keep going. Singer.

[B]

Give me an age range.

[A]

I'll say 25 to 35. There it is. Sweeney, the SS. She's in the crowd. Tits and all. Titler. That's what I call her.

[B]

Comedy Sydney Sweeney. For a Cometini. I'll tell you, she's all right, that one.

[A]

So you're just like, you know, because.

[B]

You already there with the boyfriend or.

[A]

Yeah, what's his name? Poopy Doopy. What's that guy's name?

[B]

Mark. Mark. Negging him in front of her. What's your name again? Dip?

[A]

Scooby Doo. Something like that. Skipper Scoop?

[B]

Scooter Brawn.

[A]

Scooter Brawn.

[B]

We got it.

[A]

Jewish. He's gotta be.

[B]

Braun's gotta be Jewish.

[A]

Yeah, how about that?

[B]

He's drinking the lactate eggnog, I'll tell you that much.

[A]

Yeah, well, he's got two iron domes at home. Yeah, because holy moly. She's just right there. Like, right where Maddie is.

[B]

Did you have a moment with her?

[A]

No, I got a restraining order. But no, I. I didn't want to go near because everybody's bothering her. Everybody's all over her. By the way, the Zion text.

[B]

Is that real? I hope that's real.

[A]

I fucking hope so.

[B]

It felt made up. The Zion Williamson text.

[A]

She must get those five times a day.

[B]

Yeah, but I don't think she's the type that would post them.

[A]

Oh, it wasn't Sweeney. It was Sydney Thomas. Sorry.

[B]

Oh, who's also a Sydney Sweeney. Sweeney.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

There was another one.

[A]

Yeah, that's a different lady.

[B]

Yeah, but he commented on hers. This was. I saw this pose. It was a dm.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Which, like, I don't think it's one thing to. Yeah, let's see. Zoom in on this.

[A]

This is gold.

[B]

What?

[A]

Oh, that's Chinese Doja cat.

[B]

Yeah. You are not. You're not finding this. Huh? Come on, you got this.

[A]

Google bitch. Hold on. All right.

[B]

Aha. No, no. It's a DM. You had it.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

But they're like TikToks. Oh, yeah. But you can't zoom in on that. I click it and it goes to doja cat. Oh, wait. Yeah, there it is.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

Who's this man? Get him out of my dm. It's Zion with two heart face emojis. Hey, do you play Roblox? What? I don't know what that is.

[A]

That's what Kevin Spacey wrote. It's a kids video game.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

No. Why are you asking? Laughing my ass off. Is that supposed to be. I don't know.

[A]

Yeah, he misspelled it.

[B]

Why I asked that? I'm just trying to fuck. Lol. I'm good. Rats. This is not real.

[A]

I love rats. That's great.

[B]

He turned into Joe Mackey there.

[A]

But this is what's got to be nice about being an NBA player. You got to do all this schmoozing. Rigamarole. Let's get dinner. He's just like, I wanted to fuck.

[B]

Yeah, I've heard from the. There's a famous hall of Famer who would say he just would slide in the women's DMs with two eye emojis, like.

[A]

And it would work, of course.

[B]

Yeah. But it didn't work here. But this isn't real.

[A]

And she's. She's taken for.

[B]

So who supposedly posted this? Zion or her?

[E]

Sydney Sweeney posted this.

[B]

This can't be real.

[A]

I mean, that's easily.

[B]

If this was. If this was real, it would be like, real news.

[A]

Mmm, true. Well, but you're a lady. That wouldn't work with you trying to.

[D]

God, no.

[A]

See, that's what sucks about women. Well, it's just because that's all we want to do, but we have to package it with all this other stuff.

[B]

I'm just looking for someone to play Roblox with. Honestly, I just. That would be pretty cool for me.

[D]

The honesty is admirable.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Have you slid in the dms?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Same, same.

[A]

What do you think this is?

[B]

Have you. But you have. What's the highest you've aimed?

[A]

Oh, never that high. It's really. It's. Yeah.

[B]

Out of fear that they'll post it?

[A]

No, no, just out of. Just. I know my hotness level.

[B]

So you're a handsome.

[A]

I'm going, Melissa McCarthy.

[B]

Isn't he a handsome guy?

[A]

No, I'm going Susan Boyle. I go. I go low.

[B]

Susan Boyle. Post. Wow. Who the is this guy?

[A]

I'm just trying to.

[B]

I just want to eat your.

[A]

Please, come on. You can sing while eat you out. What?

[D]

Rats.

[A]

Rats.

[B]

That's my apartment. But, yeah, dude, I. I mean, so, yeah, I went.

[A]

I was like, oh. Because now I know she's in the crowd. So I went to like, high school. Me of like, she's hot. I'm not. She's cool. I'm a nerd. She's sexy. I'm gay. I just couldn't get out of my head, dude.

[B]

So, yeah, I mean, I probably would shrink. I mean, Jesus Christ.

[A]

I know. It's insane. And then in person, it's one of those things where, you know, people go, how'd she look in real life? The same. Yeah, exactly the same. She's super hot. It's a tiny lady, but yeah, that's la, man. Crazy.

[B]

Just right there, we got Barney Greengrass. They have big fake tits in the front row.

[A]

Those are real.

[B]

Are they real?

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's part of the appeal.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like a Jessica Rabbit thing. Totally. I get it.

[A]

Totally.

[B]

She is hot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's not a hot take.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like I said, she looks. She is hot. I'll give it to her. I know. She was waiting for me to give it up.

[A]

Yeah. And then you start thinking, well, has she heard all the jokes I've made about her? And then I'm like, no.

[B]

No one's heard them, ok? I mean, no one who we've shit on has heard. I mean, I hope Spacey hasn't heard because then we're never getting him on this podcast.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

The way they did a Superman reference on Seinfeld once a week. We get a Spacey out there every week.

[A]

That's true. Yeah. We need a new pedo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who's out there?

[B]

Yeah, we need someone to step it up.

[A]

Yeah. P. Diddy. Is he a pedo?

[B]

Yeah, he was. No, I mean, it was not consensual. I don't know if it was.

[A]

He was a pedo because Epstein works. But it's Girls only.

[B]

That's the problem.

[A]

Yeah. Spacey, you get the boys in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Need an all inclusive pedo. For sure.

[A]

Yeah. Inclusive pedo. Who's an exclusive? It was Fogel.

[B]

He was a pedo. Yeah, but it's an old reference.

[A]

It's an old reference.

[B]

I believe it's the word pederast, which means boys and girls. Oh, yeah, I remember that one from Lebowski. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Walter, He's a pederass.

[A]

Yeah, Pederass kisser. All right.

[B]

It is funny that they have, like. Just for the English language, we have such specific words like, he's a pito. I'm a pederast. Okay. I don't discriminate. Like, Eskimos have 90 words for snow. We have like, 45 words for pettos. Oh, how many words we have for vagina.

[A]

Oh, man. Go clam, cooter, snatch, cooch, cooch, honey, pot wound, veg, punani. Oh, good one, Old man of the boat. Hatchet wound, beef, curtains.

[E]

It's whatever is important to your culture.

[B]

Yeah. More words for it.

[A]

Ah, okay.

[B]

By the way, we got a fucking. Do a toast for Rob Reiner, man.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

What the fuck?

[A]

Horrible.

[B]

I hate. I mean, this is a drinking pot. We got a porn out for Rob Reiner. Fucking legend. What the hell?

[A]

And one of the great. I mean, what a run he had. I mean, let me. Let me go through this. Spinal Tap, the first mockumentary ever made. And it was hilarious.

[B]

So funny.

[A]

Wow. How crazy is that? That they dated.

[E]

They were married.

[A]

They were married. That's.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Carlson and Gary Marshall's daughter. That's quite a little nepo. Jiz.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so we got Spinal Tap. Stand by Me, Princess Bride. Misery, Misery. Few Good Men.

[B]

We're missing one.

[A]

That's a horror genre. A drama, a comedy.

[B]

When Harry Met Sally.

[A]

Thank you. That's the other big one. That's a rom com. All the. All the genres.

[B]

Yeah. Now, he was great. You. You take for granted his greatness.

[A]

Yes. 100.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He was great. His son's a cunt. Him. Dude, get some help. Kill someone. Kill someone else. Don't kill your dad. It had Menendez vibes without the molesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

At least let get a molested.

[B]

Like, that was his last thought right before. He's like, I should have gotten one. No, no.

[A]

Anyway.

[B]

No, no. I mean, dude, it's fucking. It's. It's like a tragedy of, like. I mean, I've never. I can't think of one.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Look, at this run. I know you just said this, but I'm really just looking at it.

[E]

Spinal Tap, then something called the sure.

[B]

Thing, Stand By Me, Princess Bride, Harriet.

[E]

Met Sally, Misery, A Few Good Men.

[B]

We literally just said that, dude.

[F]

Oh.

[A]

President wasn't bad either.

[B]

Dude. No, he was incredible. Fucking all in the family, dude.

[A]

Meathead incredible. And his dad's incredible too.

[B]

Carl Reiner's so funny. I both seem like lovely people.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, totally seemed like a cool dude.

[B]

Like no one who had any who worked with him had anything but amazing things to say about him.

[A]

Well, Trump had a nice tweet, I thought.

[B]

You want to hear something crazy? What a fucking Internet dug up. What? Oh, his. His wife took that photo. Yeah. Michelle took this photo.

[A]

It's all connected.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy shit. That is wild.

[B]

What a fucking weird photo.

[A]

I know. Is this Central Park? I guess.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Schwartz. Tony Schwartz. Well, there you go. I heard that's a good book, actually.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, the world feels dark, man.

[A]

I mean, it was a rough week. The Bondi beach, the brown shooting, the Rob Reiner. It's bad week for Jews. It is true. He's right. Horrible. But we always say, ah, he's got a target on his back. Jews have a target on back front nose and tits.

[B]

Happening.

[A]

I'm just saying they don't get enough credit.

[B]

Credit, that's not the word.

[A]

They don't get enough pity or what's the word? Oppression, Empathy. Thank you. You go, hey, Jews are having a tough go and everybody rolls their eyes and you're like, I love.

[B]

I just love that there's a shooting marks. Like you guys don't get enough credit.

[A]

Credit was the wrong jp, our first guest.

[B]

Oh, I love this shirt too. Sit in here, buddy.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, right here.

[F]

Let me get in there, boys.

[A]

Hey, that is a nice shirt.

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

You want a. A teeny.

[F]

Oh, I'm good, thanks.

[B]

JP doesn't drink anymore. Jp.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Crazy rock bottom or what?

[B]

Go grab the mic.

[D]

I make a mean mocktail if you want one.

[F]

Oh, oh, a mocktail would be lovely. I am a fun mom.

[B]

Slip a little in. We could use some energy here. So let's give our guest a proper introduction. A good pal, JP McDade, hilarious comedian. Great joke writer.

[A]

Great writer. Good to have you. Great voice.

[F]

You.

[A]

Great impression.

[B]

He does impressions, dude.

[A]

I've heard him.

[B]

You know, what's it, what's the go to impression?

[F]

I mean, the one that's the closest is Jeselnik. I did that one on the old.

[A]

Stick or treat Nailed it killed it. Yeah.

[F]

Probably the greatest impression anyone's ever done. Greatest comedian of all time.

[B]

That's solid.

[A]

Almost has a little walking in the end.

[F]

He is walking to Jason.

[A]

Whoa. I never noticed that.

[B]

Yeah, the word, like walking. Yeah, each word. Yeah, each word is very. When you're a one liner comic, you gotta let each word kind of hang.

[F]

Yeah. When you don't have much of a personality, you got to find something. No, I'm still talking about myself.

[B]

I was like, this is a good Jeselnik impression. Starting on a podcast, forget to do the voice.

[F]

Happy Kwanzaa to you both.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Thank you, man.

[B]

Thank you. Mark was just in la. You've been on the road a lot lately.

[F]

Not a lot, no. I've been homebody mostly, but I'm gonna be in LA in a couple weeks.

[A]

Oh, nice. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, for the awards.

[F]

Got the old Golden Globes coming up.

[B]

What I tell you, this gu guy's a punch up machine.

[F]

He's a great best actress in a drama. Not writing the old jokes for the Glaze dog.

[A]

Gl Nikki Glaze are hosting again.

[B]

Did you like on the last one too?

[F]

I did, yeah. It was a blast.

[A]

I like when someone kills and they rehire them. That's how it should be. That's how this business should work. Shouldn't just be favorites and all that. It should be, you do a great job, you get work.

[F]

Replace with AI.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Very soon. But we're gonna replace our guests with AI so they don't fucking cancel on us all the time.

[A]

You hear that, Rizzler?

[B]

So do you remember any jokes you got on that were like. They were like, holy shit. That was a good one.

[F]

There's one. There was like, I remember the day of really crossing my fingers that Tim Chalamet was gonna show up and have his mustache. Because like I had one that was in the monologue that was like, oh, please, please get there. And I'm watching the red carpet from the. From the writers room. Like, come on, come on. It's like, yes, we got Chalamet. And the joke was like, timothy Chalamet, you have such beautiful eyelashes on your upper lip. And I was like, we need that mustache. What is this?

[D]

It's a cranberry apple mule with candy ginger.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

That's like a ten word joke. That's fucking great.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

What's the shortest joke you've ever written?

[A]

Oh, that's a good question.

[F]

I was roast battling Evan Williams one time. I just said, Evan, you thumb. That was it.

[B]

I remember when I Rose battled Sarah Tiana. I said, you look like Chelsea Handler melted. You might have helped me with that joke.

[F]

You bounced it off me, at least.

[B]

And then I had one. Oh, you know, it's a short one. My ex never made me wear a condom because she was on the pill. Ambien.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, that's very quick one.

[A]

Very quick.

[F]

You know what? That's great. It's like if you have some new stuff that you're trying to get in there, it's like, ah, that went okay. Bang. Quick one liner.

[A]

Get him back in. I roasted Godfrey. Just N word. One word.

[B]

But it killed.

[A]

Yeah, he killed me.

[F]

Soft day? Even shorter.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Golden glow. That's cool. They fly you out for that, you know, you're all in the same room, I assume.

[F]

I love to be in a room. I'm a sucker for the office. Get me in an office.

[A]

Same. Yeah, you get the energy thoughts. You get bounce stuff. Zoom. I hate zoom. Bounce.

[F]

Nah.

[B]

How long are you out there?

[F]

Just, like a week, but it's going to be a little longer this time.

[B]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you go to the clubs with her?

[F]

I did a few times. And that was one of the sickest things about the whole thing is like this fucking monologue and everything. Like, it was built in comedy clubs. It was like, you know, you could try to fake it with Hollywood bullshit, but, like, you get a comedian, you get them testing the shit in comedy clubs. And she ran it, like, 93 times.

[B]

Yeah, she's a psycho. I love that about her the best. I love that she just runs it into the ground.

[A]

You gotta run it. And remember we did that Netflix roast. How much of that set changed from the live shows?

[B]

Yeah. When we went to Chocol Sunday, a lot of it changed that night.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

They were like, what the. Mark and I like, Mark, call a taxi. Yeah, they're chasing us.

[A]

They got me with a big cane. They pulled me right out of there.

[F]

You start your ro Said, like, I ain't scared of you. I'm spit off the.

[B]

That was a crazy. Yeah, we bombed so hard.

[A]

That was eye opening.

[B]

The other, we did Dere Davis's show. We bombed so hard, too. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Black rooms are hard to run. Roast jokes in. Yeah, especially when you're two white guys. You're like, I'll tell you about that, P. Diddy. They're like, who the fuck are these guys?

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[F]

It's like, hey, can you guys go along with this premise for me real quick? I'm trying to. Oh, it's like, you want us to do more shit for you? You gotta entertain us.

[A]

And it's people they don't really care about. I'm like, so John Stamos is there. They're like, who. Who the fuck that?

[B]

You're like, all right, that might be.

[F]

There's, like, this ongoing discourse about, like, white people who. Black people don't play about, like, they. Who they love. John Stamos might make the list.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'd.

[F]

Uncle Jesse might have crossover appeal.

[B]

I would say so. Yeah. But it is weird to just be doing, like, Luigi Mangione's in the news. They're like, just fucking.

[A]

Yeah, right?

[F]

We get the premise.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Talk about the difference between white and black.

[B]

How about that?

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

They wanted.

[B]

Are there any ones that you wrote that you were like, that got cut, that would just feel like, oh, come on, do this one. But she was like, no, she was.

[F]

Pretty much game for everything. It was like, it's a valuable lesson, like, not counting your chickens if you have, like, some big project that you're writing for, because it's like, all right, this is going to go. You know, we've run so many versions of this. And then, like, the week before, it's like, either it stopped working or we found something else that goes better there. So it's just like, try not to put your name on too much shit and just like, let it be what it is, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Goof off, fuck around, have some fun. Like, good room. A lot of funny people we know, like Mike Lawrence, Ian Carmel.

[B]

Nice. Good. Rome.

[F]

Very good group.

[A]

Damn, that's great. You get nerd. I get nervous pitching because I've only written on a few things, but if you pitch a whiff, boy, it hurts. You feel it in that room. It's a real bomb.

[F]

Bombing. Pitching something in a room like that is way worse than bombing. And stand up.

[A]

You respect everybody and you want them to respect.

[B]

Feels like a mic.

[F]

It truly.

[B]

You're just looking at comic face, and.

[A]

You'Re like, oh, exactly. Oh, that's painful.

[F]

Someone who. I pitched something that got zero, and then later. Anna Dresden, very, very funny comic and writer.

[B]

She's written on snl.

[F]

Yeah, she was a head writer at snl. She's like, you pitch that joke, and then your face just went backwards. Like, I went. Got sucked into a void.

[A]

Ceased existing, man.

[F]

Yeah, it's high pressure, baby.

[A]

Are you guys going doing the family thing this year? Wait for Christmas.

[F]

Yeah, Doing a girlfriend's family thing.

[A]

Oh, me too.

[B]

Where's the girlfriend?

[F]

Pittsburgh.

[A]

Ah. That's an underrated town.

[F]

Absolutely.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Good food.

[A]

Everybody hates Pittsburgh. I like it.

[B]

We might be shooting a movie there. We'll see.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

We don't know, but yeah. Pittsburgh school.

[F]

Pretty town. That was. Well, we got stuck on Sunday when we were there, and we were trying to. We were trying to find food before, like, the Sunday shows. Everything was closed. We want to go into Fogo de Chow at 4pm we had the meat.

[B]

Sweats on a fucking Sunday early show.

[A]

Well, it's hard to not lift that flag. You got to do it. It's just free meat.

[F]

You don't want to surrender.

[A]

No, no, exactly.

[B]

So it tastes so good going in and it's so bad the rest of the way.

[F]

I know they're coming at you with SW of beef, and it, like, awakens your instincts from the medieval Ages.

[A]

Exactly. You can't say no, you don't want to quit.

[B]

That was. That was fun, though.

[F]

That was maybe the worst I've ever done standup comedy.

[B]

And we're not exactly mobile acts. No, sorry. Sorry, Jerry. But Jerry giving a. For not moving on stage. But. No, but we were.

[F]

Why don't you move around? We don't all have residencies at the Beacon.

[C]

J.

[A]

Right. New York comic. I'm on 24th Street. Stage is this big. Fogo de Chao is great.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. We won't be doing that for Christmas. So you're with the lady?

[A]

Yeah, going to Cape Cod.

[F]

Beautiful.

[B]

That's nice.

[A]

I'm actually looking forward to it because we've been grinding so hard that I just want to sit and drink for, like, seven days.

[B]

I'm going to New Orleans for a few days. I was just literally, my friend, my boy Chase, you know, who was like, we should go somewhere. I don't want my passport right now. It's getting renewed. And he's like, where do you want to go? And I just. I just pulled up the Knicks road schedule. I was like, how's New Orleans? And he goes, let's fucking do it.

[F]

You mean your homepage?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But hit me with For Rex. I'll send you a whole list.

[B]

Oh, I've already got a long one from Sean Padden. Oh, but I've been there a bunch, you know. I know, I know. I know some spots.

[A]

Where are you going to sleep?

[B]

I forgot the hotel we're in. It was nice quarter. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

Gotta stay near the quarter, man. All right. Gotta get. But, yeah, I'm just visualizing. I see a psychiatrist, like, once every three months just for pills and she was like, you're going to. You're going on a vacation. I'm like. She's like, you'll get rest. I'm like, I'm just gonna get shit faced in bars every night. And she was like, all right, well.

[F]

If you give me Adderall, I can keep drinking.

[B]

That's really what I'm taking her. That's the angle. I'm taking it. I'm taking it for all it's worth.

[F]

Circle of life.

[A]

Are you an Adderall guy?

[B]

Oh, I love that shit.

[A]

Oh, I had no idea.

[B]

Concerta.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's good stuff.

[B]

Yeah. Fucking get me fucking. Oh, dude, you think I'm listening this well, naturally.

[A]

I had no idea. You fooled me.

[B]

I'm on drugs, baby.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

I love it.

[F]

That's a thinking man's Adderall.

[B]

That was. That was. That was my. That was in my last special. You ever take an Adderall and really listen to your girlfriend?

[A]

I remember that, Joe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Points are like, you're good. And they're like, this is. I'm cheating. I'm a performance enhanced. Drugs.

[A]

You're juicing.

[B]

I feel great.

[A]

Damn. Adderall. It's the best hangover cure ever, by the way.

[B]

I mean, it's probably not good to take after a hangover, but who gives it? You're already fucking poisoning yourself.

[A]

Exactly.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

Might as well let it ride.

[B]

Yeah. I was with Rachel last night and I was like, we should get fucking hammered right now. And she goes, nah, I shouldn't. I was like, why don't we. Of course we shouldn't.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But it'd be fun if.

[F]

We just have to make a better argument than that.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I was trying to explain to Jerry. He's like, why would I do blow? And I'm like, well, you don't. You're not supposed to do blow. That's the point. It's fun.

[B]

Yeah. No, no. We're trying to find a chink in your armor.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're perfect.

[A]

Easy, Gillis.

[B]

Remember when that guy got fired from ESPN for saying that about Jeremy Lynn?

[A]

The dude was Asian.

[B]

And I'm like. And that's an expression.

[F]

It is.

[A]

I think that was the COVID of the Post too, one day. It was chinking the armor.

[F]

By the way, he's pulling up his, like, defensive box. Plus minus to be like, no, really? His defense is not good. It's a chink in the armor. He's a cone out there, Right?

[B]

No way.

[A]

Holy. That's not real that's not real. That's one of the.

[F]

Speak of the devil.

[A]

Hey, hey, speaking of prescription drugs, here we go.

[F]

It's Jerry Seinfeld, ladies. He's back.

[A]

That would be fun. If he just wouldn't stop coming. We'd be like, all right, Jerry. You know, like we have friends who big celebrities call them and they're like, louie, he's calling me again.

[B]

You know, is there anyone who calls you? You're like, I remember. I remember Artie Langston once and made me laugh so hard about. I used to wait for three hours to see Andrew Dice play live. Now I dodge his phone calls. I was like, holy shit.

[A]

Perfect example.

[F]

Yeah. We had the opposite last weekend. The opposite effect when we played ball with Adam Sandler.

[A]

Yes. Tell me about this.

[F]

Incredible. The guy is a demon on the court.

[A]

Really.

[B]

He's a maestro.

[F]

It's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

A run and gun, high tempo, 58 year old point guard that's not in anyone's scouting.

[B]

Oh, I told him his NBA comp is J Kid, but on the Knicks, yes. He's old, but he's still got the vision.

[F]

Crafty.

[B]

Yeah. Sando is the best.

[F]

He threw a pass that. I mean, it got deflected, but then it went through my legs, dude.

[B]

But how about that? He threw Sandler through one that was like. It was like a Jokic esque, like behind the head. And everyone went, oh, because. Because a guy that old on the court, the bar is low, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

And a Hawaiian shirt in his late 50s cooking 25 year old comics.

[B]

Yeah. But now you see dudes in a Hawaiian shirt in the court and you're like, hold on.

[F]

He's a hustler.

[B]

Just in case. Yeah, well, dude, Woody. And in white man can't jump.

[F]

That's right.

[B]

Dresses like a fucking nerdy little cyclist hat.

[A]

Yes. Those were hot back then.

[B]

Sit down.

[A]

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[B]

Oh man. We got me, Norman, Rachel, Liz, we go to Lartuzzi. They serve bodega cat now. We got fucking hammered. Yeah, it was great. That was a great meal.

[A]

Yeah, we were Flight to LA the next day was brutal.

[B]

We were so hammered, Mark. We were so hammered. We're walking on the street and Norman finds a walker on the street and just. We're drunk enough that he starts using it as a prop and gags by.

[F]

The end of the night. It's just an actual.

[C]

It was so dumb, yet so perfectly hilarious. He was just like, I can't walk, but I can walk you complaining about getting up early was infuriating me like. Cuz I know I'm getting up with my. Like it's, you know, 7am with my baby and he's like, I got a flight baby too.

[A]

Baby then flight.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I got to get up and leave my family. It's hard for me too.

[A]

This is me with my family.

[B]

There's no dad, Mark. You got to take. You got to take a holiday photo where everyone's holding an AK47. You got to do one of those.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

Do you want a drink?

[C]

Yes, please.

[B]

This is Maddie, our bartender.

[C]

Thank you for having me. I'll have. What was that thing you gave me that night? That was pretty good.

[B]

A paper plane roofie. I didn't take. Yeah, she's got a Strong constitution, this one.

[C]

An abortion pill and a paper pill.

[B]

I've never been harder. Let's get rid of that thing.

[A]

By the way, when are they gonna mass produce those? Like bluechew? Just saying. Make them easier to get.

[F]

I'm in a vending machine.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Should we get the gifts out of.

[F]

Oh, I feel like an.

[B]

What is this?

[C]

Listen, these two could be for either of you.

[A]

Let's see.

[C]

I think that.

[B]

Oh, this is definitely for Mark. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You got a one.

[B]

He's already going down a pole, if you know what I mean. All right. Ooh. Nypd.

[A]

Oh, these are my size. Thanks.

[C]

You said you wanted those, Sam.

[A]

Oh, that's yours. Those are too big for me.

[B]

All right, take them. Thanks.

[A]

Back to blue.

[C]

I'm sure you can find something.

[B]

This is a great move. I bring a woman back, I just take my pants off.

[C]

I knew it. I was about to say you could ironically work that into a blowjob. That would be a bit. Yeah.

[A]

I'm packing heat.

[B]

Yeah. I'm just about to get blown. I'm like, oh, yeah. Blue lives matter.

[A]

Here's my nightstick.

[C]

I knew you had punched that up into a bit.

[A]

Just don't bring a black girl home. Just be like, I'm out of here. Oh, my.

[C]

If I had a quarter.

[A]

All right. You're Jewish.

[B]

I know. I knew that was. I knew that was. I was like, just let it linger. I knew it was coming. I can't make that one.

[A]

I brought you some hollow.

[C]

Oh, my goodness.

[A]

Thank you for the shirt. This is very cute.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, I love you boys.

[A]

Your. Your. My baby's already wearing your other onesies.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

That's very sweet. Well, you know how I root for you foul beasts.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You want to do a paper plane, too?

[A]

Right now?

[B]

Yeah, man. You done with that? Basically.

[C]

What are you.

[A]

I'm going on the eggnog.

[B]

I'm scared.

[C]

My hur.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

He's sorry.

[F]

That takes courage. It's actually tougher.

[A]

Yeah. I'll do a plane.

[B]

Yeah, let's do three planes.

[F]

Nine, eleven. Three planes going down.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[A]

I just watched Cast Away again.

[B]

Oh, man. I got a lot of problems with it. It is a good movie.

[A]

It's great.

[B]

But that ending, it's like. Come on.

[A]

It's too.

[B]

He hasn't been gone that long. She got a whole new life.

[A]

Four years he's gone.

[B]

Four years he's gone. She's got, like, a husband, a baby.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

They mentioned the Tennessee Titans Super Bowl. To put a time stamp on it.

[B]

They're like titans. Made the Super Bowl. Almost won, too. Yeah.

[A]

I think that was to show it was awkward. They had another.

[B]

They couldn't get made out.

[A]

They made out big time.

[B]

I spent four hours.

[C]

The girl moves on, and I never saw it.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Helen Hunt moves on. She marries.

[C]

If it was a guy, he would have moved on in, like, two weeks. My mom's like, one of my mom's best friends, like, had leukemia. The guy was, like, at a square dance with another chick like, a week later.

[A]

Jeez. A square dance. By the way, this is the second.

[B]

Movie where she runs out in the rain. That's as good as it gets, isn't it?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I was just about to ask for that.

[A]

Helen Hunt had a run.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In Iraq and Iraq. She was the original Sweeney, but I.

[B]

Don'T know about that.

[F]

The new thing in any TV show is tits in the first episode. Last few years, like, big reveal. Show some tits in the first episode. Gets a lot more viewers.

[C]

Thing I remember, do you guys remember that movie from, like, the 90s or something? It's like a super old film and all the women are lined up in bikinis, and then they. They. Their boobs pop up one by one and they make tit holes in the sand. That was always my dream when I was a young girl to grow up one day and be a lady. That would make tit holes in the sand.

[B]

What is it?

[C]

I think it's maybe top secret.

[B]

That's a great movie.

[C]

One of the greatest comics all time. Is that it just Google's in the sand. That was my main goal as a young child.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Yeah, I was, like, a really bad student. My mom would always take me to get scanned. Like, they just figured, like, I don't know, they keep scanning me and something would come up. And before one of my brain scans to figure out why I was throbbing tard, we watched this movie.

[A]

Oh, this is.

[B]

And I was like, I just want.

[C]

To grow up and make tittles.

[B]

It sounds like the sequel to Islands in the Stream.

[A]

There you go. Well, you've got an apple rack, right?

[C]

Oh, thanks, Mark. I mean, but at this point in time, they hadn't really sprouted yet.

[A]

See? What are you working with these days? Oh, the baby ruined everything, but you know what I mean?

[C]

Ruined. Everything's great.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

Every time I see Mark, he says something more devastating. Mark has, like, play by play changed the way I view myself.

[A]

I'm trying to compliment your shattered myself.

[C]

Every time I See it?

[A]

What do you got? A couple of Ds.

[C]

You just said my body was wrecked by my baby.

[A]

I was joking. Everybody's great.

[C]

Every. Every time I.

[B]

If you were. If you were a disaster, he wouldn't say this. That's.

[C]

That's what I tell myself when I'm flapping around in the wee hours of.

[A]

The night replaying Mark's haunting it.

[B]

I love Peter's joke about how his wife, after breastfeeding, did not return her breasts in the condition that she gave them to the baby.

[C]

If I were her, she should shoot him right in the face for that.

[B]

I had to do it at Carnegie Hall. I had to, like, watch her just listen to all his jokes about him. Oh, and my opener after Gary's usually like, man, that guy hates his wife and always gets a pop.

[A]

Yeah, couldn't do that one.

[B]

Oh, I did it.

[F]

Acoustics of Carnegie hall.

[A]

So what? C plus?

[C]

Oh, my bra size. I think 34C.

[A]

I mean, ideal size.

[B]

That's a great tip, especially with your frame, Rachel. That's very impressive. Yeah.

[C]

Again, I just want to thank my team at wme.

[B]

Like I always say, by the way, Mark, it's not pluses and minuses.

[A]

It's double D. I was joking. Yeah. Okay.

[F]

A negative.

[C]

I love that he stopped down the podcast. That was incredible.

[F]

We saw some hoisted racks.

[C]

Classic salad cues moment. Excuse me. But had no problem with the rest.

[B]

Yeah, you nerd.

[A]

Salacus, thanks for correcting the joke.

[B]

Actually. Shut up, Poindexter.

[A]

Yeah, Egghead. Now, who was. What did you say? What? Rack?

[F]

No, we saw some hoisted racks at that. That roast in Atlantic City.

[C]

Oh, yes. There was many.

[B]

What was the Jersey.

[C]

Jersey short roast. And JP Came with me and helped me, and it was like, the most fun.

[F]

It was awesome.

[C]

Yes. Yeah. Wasn't amazing. I mean, silicone guys. The guys were more. A little more into it than some of. I feel like some of the women did not care for the things that.

[F]

Yeah, most of the women were like, they were aware of what was going on but didn't care. And the guys were just, like, mostly too stupid to get what was going on.

[C]

Yes, Paulie, These seem pretty normal and. And the situation who. We were mainly roasting. Now they're bringing back Jersey Shore, but it's like, just like they couldn't rec Night. We talked about this during the rest, but, like, they combed the land and they couldn't find greater morons than these people. So now they're just, like, the same.

[B]

But they're like, the situation of, like, the all time worst roast back in the day.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, they're like, let's run it back.

[F]

Followed him on that roast. It was the roast.

[C]

He was also. He was also dressed like my. Like one of my aunts at, like a bat mitzvah or something. He had high heeled, shiny, like, tap shoes on. JP Said it looked like. What did you say again?

[F]

Like, the Revenant. Oh, no, it looked like. It looked like he. He had gone shopping at, like, a dead lady's estate sale.

[B]

It looks like he's had a worked on his face.

[A]

Yikes.

[F]

Yeah, he has the nose of the old man from up, basically.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, it was.

[B]

It was.

[C]

But it was a pretty fun night. I mean, it was me and him and Chris D. And.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah, it was a blast. Was Vinnie D or Vinnie there?

[C]

Yes, Vinnie was there. He does. He does stand up now. Good guy bringing our brand down. But no, actually, he was. He was pretty fun. He was cool. He was funny and he was cool, and he could take a joke.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah, he was good. I mean, I. I feel like the guys in general were down for all the insanity that we said to them, but the.

[A]

Did he bomb?

[C]

I was terrified of Snooki. She did not care for my horseshit.

[B]

Well, yeah, she's tiny, huh? Yeah.

[C]

And me and JP Both. Paulie D.

[B]

Good for you.

[C]

Hanukkah.

[F]

Human Centipede.

[A]

Now, did he bomb again?

[F]

I think we bailed before because he went last and he went for. He went long.

[A]

He.

[F]

A lot of time.

[B]

This is literally the all star lineup here.

[F]

The.

[B]

The booze, the seltzer, the coffee, the eggnog.

[A]

Here, here.

[B]

Why not?

[A]

How'd Chris D. Do?

[F]

He did great.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Here we are.

[C]

All right.

[F]

Police. Navi died not winning this time.

[A]

God willing.

[C]

There we go.

[A]

Wow, that's fucking good. Maddie, you've got a gift.

[F]

This is great.

[D]

In fact, that's my first one ever.

[B]

You've never made one? They're pretty standard, though.

[D]

Bar I work at is more of a. Here's a High Noon and a vodka soda.

[A]

Where do you work?

[D]

I work on the Upper east side at the Stumble Inn.

[B]

Oh, I've been there. Free used to do a show there.

[A]

That was a great show.

[D]

There's an open mic every Monday. If you guys are ever.

[B]

I'll check it out.

[A]

I'll see you there.

[F]

That used to be my circuit when I drank. It was like all the bars that are named after, like, stages of alcoholism. Ye City, like, 13 step used to work.

[B]

Remember that? One.

[C]

That one.

[B]

Jason Cantor.

[F]

Now it's like the domestic violence or something.

[B]

We got hammered there.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

No, now it's downtown social.

[F]

Sure.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Then it was down the Hatch.

[D]

Down the Hatch?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I ended up there one night.

[C]

It was. Have you ever been to. There was like, a bar called American Trash that was pretty fun.

[A]

So which one?

[C]

American Trash.

[B]

Yeah, that was a fun one.

[C]

That was a fun one.

[B]

I remember that one. But the one that was down the Hatch is right by the Cellar.

[A]

Yeah, seventh.

[B]

They got beer pong there. That was a. You get humble quickly. I ain't what I used to be, dude. These college kids. Oh, man, it's like the NBA in my day.

[E]

We weren't.

[B]

We weren't bouncing and sending it back like this.

[F]

They're shooting, like, European draft picks over there.

[A]

It's fucking Ari's wedding. We were. We were getting trounced.

[B]

We had a couple. We had a couple.

[A]

We had a couple.

[B]

That one guy was a ringer, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What happened?

[B]

Mark and I were.

[A]

We were.

[B]

We were playing a lot of beer pong because we wrote that into our movie that we. That we're really good at beer pong and that we're like hustlers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, yeah, we were playing. That one guy was a fucking sniper.

[A]

I know.

[B]

We had a couple good games, though.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

We'll get it back. We just gotta get back in the gym.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

We'll go to the bar, we'll fucking work on the J.

[A]

Do you have that at Stumble In? You got beer pong.

[D]

No, we don't.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Everyone asks for it.

[B]

Well, you know what the kids do now? I noticed. They used to. We used to just take the dirty ball, throw it in the cup, and you drink the beer. Now that it's all water cups and you just drink your beer in the side when they make it for hygiene.

[A]

I don't like that.

[B]

I know, but, dude, you think about it. It's pretty gross.

[F]

We.

[B]

We drank those.

[F]

Absolutely disgusting.

[A]

Part of it.

[C]

Some sort of beer pong league at one of. One of those bars. There's nothing sadder than being like the head of a beer pong. Like, what kind of throbbing, guttural alcoholic are you?

[F]

What time are you head up the.

[C]

Team for the season?

[B]

You're puking, your wife's like, what happened? The team lost.

[F]

Yeah, I played hard is what happened.

[B]

Yeah, I got. We lost once in beer pong back in the day. I was super young and my friend playing beer pong and this dude kept talking Shit to me. And I was like, like, blackout drunk, talking shit back. And then he beat me. And I was so hammered, I started throwing the empty cups at him. And he was like, all right, all right. And then I was so drunk, I grabbed the water cup and just hurled it at him and drenched him. And my friend just looked from outside. He just saw through the window, the guy's choking me out against just some giant dude choking me out.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

The door's like.

[C]

I love this guy.

[B]

So I walked in like, no, no, no. And I was like, no, no, no.

[A]

It's all right. I deserve it.

[B]

It's fine.

[A]

Was he the bouncer?

[B]

No, it was just some guy who beat us in beer. Oh, wow. But I was just that drunk that I threw a water cup at him.

[C]

I remember watching these guys play beer pong and not understanding, like, that. It was, like, a dumb. Not a sport in any way. And, like, I had a big crush on this guy at American Trash that was playing beer pong. And I remember there was this other girl, Heather, who was, like, somehow even sadder than I was, probably because she was older at the time, and she was sort of, like, swaying and kind of. And she was sort of of supporting him. And I was like, oh, are you, like, dating the guy? She goes, I'm just cheering for him. Which is one of the saddest sentences.

[B]

I need a woman like that just cheering for him.

[C]

There's nothing sadder than, like, being a regular cheerleader. An adult cheerleader is dark enough, but cheering for a man playing beer pong? Just take your own life. It's over. But I went out with this one guy from American Trash and did one of the dumbest things I've ever done on a date. I. This is. Now I'm, like, already regretting launching into the story. We were out on a date, and I, I, I excused myself and went to the bathroom and then changed on the date into what I thought was a sexier outfit. But isn't that the craziest thing you've ever heard?

[A]

Wouldn't he go, what do you. Where do you wear it? Where'd this go?

[C]

Here's what I did. Okay? So I. I always have some sort of foul sack with me that Sam always mocks. I feel like my bags are so disgusting to me.

[B]

Her bags are huge.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

If she was. If she was at a show, Artie Fuqua is going through that bag.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

She's like a medieval peddler coming to the village with her wares.

[C]

My bags are a turn off. To. Man, they really make a guy flat and nothing like a big sack. Walking around with some kind of.

[B]

It just. It's a lot for sure.

[C]

Yes. It's a s. It's a. Yeah, it's kind of the foreshadowing of more.

[F]

She could take it camping. But let me tell you, that guy did not notice you change your outfit.

[C]

Oh, no, no. He did. He actually confronted me on was one of my life. So I think I. I sometimes I can't decide what to wear. And then I. This is already insane enough. Like, And I put, like, a second top in my back. Like, I'm gonna have some second lap of the evening. Like, I'm hosting the Oscars or something. And I just went out with some guy to the saddest bar. And I had, like, a red dress that I wanted to wear the night, but I was like, I'll save it for later. Like, I was gonna have some second lap of whoring. And which I guess I did.

[B]

Was this an American trash?

[C]

Yeah. And then I went to the bathroom.

[B]

They're like, we've never had a wardrobe change at this bar. This is crazy.

[C]

I know. It's already a die far. What I did was. It was. This is so dark. It's one of. Definitely one of the more insane moments of my life. I pretended to spill on myself. Now I was wildly trash at this point, because I want. I thought I would really seal the deal if you could only see me in a red dress, then I would. Like you. I would lock him in. So then I went to the bathroom. I was like, oopsie daisy. And then I went to the bathroom and changed into the red dress and came out. I was like, thank God I've got this with me. And it still alarms me that he knew what I was up to.

[B]

He called you on it?

[C]

Yeah. He was like, you had that in your bag and planned all of this. Also, like, how insane was he that I. That he knew what a. What a throbbing lunatic. I was like, that's crazy that he could even guess it. But.

[B]

No, but normally I think a guy would just be like, huh? But the fact that he goes like, I know what you did. Like, that's kind of awesome that he said that.

[C]

I was so embarrassing. Like, he was just like, yeah, I know what.

[F]

You usually overlook everything.

[C]

If a woman did that, if you guys were out on a date, wouldn't you. Wouldn't that be such a red flag? Like, you'd be like, she's.

[B]

I don't know if I. I don't think I'd give a shit.

[A]

I don't think I'd give it. I'd be like, she likes me enough to do that.

[B]

Yeah, same. I think I might be a red.

[F]

Flag, but I would overlook it totally. No matter what. I'm not going to jeopardize getting laid by critic.

[B]

Exactly.

[F]

In any way.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Terrific.

[A]

So did you bang him?

[C]

No, we just. I just, like, cock teased him. We just.

[A]

Oh, that's a flag.

[C]

I know. That is the flag. No, I would tell the guys ahead of time. I'd be like, listen, because I. I never really helped. Had sex, like, casually. So I'd be like, if we come. If I come over, you know, we can cuddle, but we can't hook up. I like, I have a joke about it now, but I talk about how, like, I'm like, I'd still tell them not to do it. I'd be like, if I was your sexual attorney, I'd recommend you don't take this deal. It's not a good deal.

[F]

Some girl did that on the first day with me, and she, like, changed her clothes. I'd just make a quick mental. Don't be like, all right, she's bipolar.

[B]

And then I would date her for two and a half years. It's not a big deal. It's fine.

[F]

Don't introduce her to family.

[C]

It is the signal. It should have signified that I was better in bed than I was because I feel like somebody that crazy. Right. Usually they're good.

[B]

It is a bummer when a crazy chick's not good in bed because you're like, what's the point?

[A]

Yeah, that happens. Yeah.

[B]

So you're just crazy and you lay there. That's horrible.

[A]

I know. I'm married to her. No, she's great.

[C]

I love your wife.

[B]

Yeah, she listens to the pod. No, but for real, she's. Thanks for taking care of the baby while I'm here.

[C]

Cheersing. And hell seltzer, too.

[A]

Drowning that thing in the tub right.

[B]

Now.

[A]

Just to stupid.

[C]

What was before you disappointed your wife.

[B]

Norman and Shutter Island.

[A]

Sorry, what you say, Ra.

[C]

I was just going to say, before you disappointed your wife on all frontiers, before you profoundly devastated your wife in every way.

[A]

In every way.

[C]

What was the craziest girl you guys have ever been?

[A]

O. Good question. Sorry.

[B]

I don't know why I can't. I can't stop laughing. Thinking of Norman in a comedic version of Shutter Island. His wife's drowning the baby. He's like, ah, you kind. What's that?

[F]

He Thinks he's been podcasting all these years. He's just been in a room by himself.

[B]

I'm like, that was a great one, Mark.

[F]

My friend Sam's going to be here any minute.

[B]

I'll be at the Chicago theater her this weekend. I'm like, sure you will, buddy.

[F]

Mark.

[B]

Mark.

[F]

There's no such place as Magoobies.

[A]

The Rizzler's coming.

[B]

I swear. Craziest girl ever yet. What do you got?

[F]

Craziest girl, like, a crazy girl, like, that I was hooking up with briefly, like, with the benefits of the mental illness. I just did not. I straight up did not feel safe in her home. She, like, she, like, sat me on the couch and then, like, went in her room for, like, two hours. And I was like, all right, I guess. Is this, like, a test to see if I barge in or something?

[A]

Whoa.

[F]

So I just kind of. And then she's like, okay, you come in now. I don't know what happened there. And other similar thing.

[A]

I think you can come in now. So you.

[F]

Yeah, it was like meeting Michaels or something.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[C]

Two hours is a wild stretch of time.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Which. Did she look different? Was she, like, shaving and prepping her foul body?

[B]

She was in a different outfit, which we found weird, but we were testing for Lord Michael.

[A]

Just waiting there with Cam Patterson.

[F]

We don't see a role for you in this.

[C]

Did dub Davidoff scamper off?

[F]

There was a window open.

[C]

Did a few rogue prostitutes. Would dub Davidoff.

[B]

Ben Marshall comes out of the room. He's like, it didn't go well.

[C]

It happened.

[F]

Normal stuff. Normal stuff. It turned out all right, but I.

[C]

Was like, what do you think she was doing? Did she look any different?

[F]

No, I don't think she looked any different, but if I had the confidence of your date, I would have asked questions, but I was just like, no. Nope.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Gotta see this through. Can't risk not getting laid.

[A]

Yeah. Trying to think about a crazy.

[B]

There's a lot.

[A]

I've had a lot.

[B]

You've probably heard a lot of them stories. I don't know which one's the craziest. You could probably tell me better, but I don't know.

[C]

I, I mean, I, I, I know that. I know that Sam went to that.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

There was that.

[B]

Yeah, that was a crazy. I've done that bit in a special, but that. The one about the girl who invited me to her place and then I went there.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That one was crazy.

[A]

Asian.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. How about your ex who heckled you at msg. But that was like. Yeah, that was very. That was long removed. That was pretty crazy. That's pretty crazy. Yeah. My ex got thrown out of the MSG theater. That was.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

He's dressed up, too.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Scott's got some great. It's coming in because, guys, I bet Sky's got some crazy. This guy's getting engaged every other fucking week.

[A]

That's true.

[F]

Take my seat. I gotta run. I gotta go.

[A]

Oh, really? Already?

[F]

Yeah, I'm so.

[C]

Jp.

[B]

Gotta come back soon.

[A]

Good to have you, man.

[B]

Great to see you.

[A]

Dude, funny stuff.

[B]

Watch the Grammys. The Emmys. Watch the Grammys, too.

[C]

How about the Golden Globes? He wrote for the Golden Globes.

[B]

Quick pick.

[A]

How are you? All right. Hey.

[B]

Thank you.

[F]

Oops.

[B]

Jp, you're the best. Thank you, man.

[F]

Thank you. Thank you.

[B]

Love the outfit. What are we doing here?

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Speaking of Happy Holidays, Scott, we're talking about our good buddy, the former host of HQ Trivia and the new host of, say, what's it called?

[A]

Savvy.

[B]

Savvy.

[E]

Savvy's the app, tech Savvy's the game.

[B]

Oh, we're talking craziest girl you've ever been with.

[E]

Oh, Laura, we're going right into it.

[B]

You've got it. You've got a roster. Scott does the thing where he, like, every. Every month, we'll, like, have lunch or something. He'll be like, she's the one, dude. And then, like, literally two weeks later, like, we called off the engagement a lot.

[E]

I've been engaged 14 times.

[A]

Wait, really?

[E]

No, no. But once this year.

[B]

But I feel like often you're close.

[E]

You're, like, close to thinking, January 1, 2025, single man.

[C]

Yeah, got it.

[E]

January 1, 2026, single man in between, engaged.

[C]

But what?

[E]

Sort of lithium and then disengaged.

[B]

Got you just like our audience. I.

[E]

The minute I walk in.

[B]

No, no, no. What happened with it?

[C]

I.

[E]

Listen, I don't want to roll back in time.

[C]

Roll it back.

[E]

But actually, this rolls into a topic I want to bring up. And. And I'll tell you the quick story here, though. I made a video. We broke up, up August, So we meet February 15th, I propose May 15th, we break up August 15th.

[B]

You propose in three months.

[E]

Yeah, three months, proposal, and three months later, we're broken up.

[A]

What happened in those months that made you say, I got to get the.

[E]

Fuck out of here Again, I want to be sensitive to this, but. But it was just. I couldn't handle it. I'm going to admit that I could not handle being married her. No, no, I couldn't. I couldn't. We were. We just triggered each other. Every single thing we said became like the end of the world.

[A]

Whoa.

[E]

And it was. I've never met someone who was so intimately entwined like that. Where.

[C]

But them. Titties, though, then.

[E]

Titties though. That's the. Rachel.

[B]

That's the thing.

[E]

That's the thing. You said it.

[C]

I can tell when a guy's.

[E]

It's like the sex was so good.

[C]

She knows, too.

[E]

When you find the good sex, it's like you do tend to look past a lot of things, but then you realize this is a lifetime. And if you can't make three months, you know, know, don't try to get yourself there.

[C]

Noble night. Like. Like you guys are sitting there nodding like.

[B]

Well, you know, I try to look.

[C]

Past what initially made me propose, which was a fat pair of tits in the first place.

[E]

Obviously, wasn't the whole thing.

[C]

It's character.

[E]

It wasn't the whole thing. She's a brilliant writer.

[C]

She's. All right. Knock it off.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

But.

[E]

But the thing is. So I made this. So we broke up August 15th. I make a video that comes up in September. Okay. A couple months after, put on Instagram.

[B]

Fucking her from behind. It's.

[E]

It's a little sketch where I'm on the street asking people trivia questions. It's a sketch idea I've had since 2016, mind you.

[C]

Okay.

[E]

The premise is it's a trivia show. It starts off with like, hey, do you know New York City? Who was the mayor during 9 11, you know, Giuliani. Giuliani. There you go. Who's the mayor today? Stuff like that.

[A]

Eric Adams.

[E]

There you go. And then I go, what do you. What do you think it means when my ex girlfriend text and it doesn't say delivered underneath? What do you think that means? It just. And then, you know, it goes right into very personal stuff. Right.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

So I did that. I did. How many days after we broke it to my fiance returned to the dating app we met on, you know, asking questions like that. And then I. Then I read part of a text that she sent me. The last text she sent me, which was like, pretty vicious.

[B]

I read how vicious.

[A]

Pull it up.

[B]

Well, I'll say it.

[E]

I'll say. I'll say it like, you know, you are someone who doesn't deserve a family. You're not ready for it. You can't do it. Something like that.

[B]

Even a broken clock's right twice a day. Come On.

[E]

But I read this to these people. I said, what do you think she means by that? You know, I was doing that type of show.

[A]

Great.

[F]

So.

[E]

So the video comes out, gets 2000 views. She sees it. 2000 nothing.

[B]

She's 1500 of those views.

[E]

Absolutely.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

It was. Can you believe this?

[E]

It was a nuclear meltdown because she took it so personally. Meanwhile, I didn't have the heart. I couldn't even have a conversation.

[C]

But were you guys already broken up?

[E]

Yeah, already broken up.

[C]

Does that mean you're off shifts? Like you don't have to go online.

[E]

But by the way, it speaks to a different thing. Like talking about people in your life. How do you do it it without causing issues?

[A]

Oh, there's issues.

[E]

There's issues.

[B]

I like to wait a special or two after the breakup. Like I'll shelf that for a little while.

[A]

Smart.

[B]

But I don't always.

[E]

Right.

[A]

I like to just hope my wife doesn't see the show.

[E]

But I mean, she saw this thing and went off and it took it so personal. It's like this actually was not about you. Really. It's a premise. Also, you've been deprecating. I'm a comedian.

[C]

Here's what you have to do. I dated somebody that his is. He's like an emotional desert. And that same. And that same climate that created the man that says these things that consistently devastate me but make for some fun loving comedy is the same climate that makes him not give a when I talk about him. Like, so he doesn't care. You have to date somebody so emotionally devastating.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

That they don't care anyway.

[A]

My parents are like that. Yeah, they really are.

[B]

She said you aren't ready for a family. Were you wearing this jack jacket? You're wearing eyeball jackets.

[C]

This is.

[E]

This is not sexy. I got a lot of compliments on this.

[A]

I love it.

[B]

No, I think it's fun.

[E]

I think it's the gap between the pant and the sock that might not be so hot.

[B]

I got that too. Yeah. How do you fix that? What else?

[C]

No, that is a puss guzzling suit if I've ever seen. Don't let the haters hate.

[E]

I'm a walking.

[B]

Are you not on good terms with her right now?

[E]

Well, two months after that, she emailed me apologizing saying she. She could have been less reactive.

[A]

So she's crazy. Mark.

[E]

I'm not gonna say it.

[B]

I actually kind of like when someone's so vicious that then they feel bad for being vicious because you're like all Right now, I'm kind of off the hook.

[A]

Can we see the text?

[E]

You can see the video if you want. An. Instagram.

[B]

She sent a video.

[E]

It's on my Instagram.

[B]

Let's make this 2001.

[E]

I just said. I just said the whole video, though, so I don't know how interesting it's gonna be now. Scott Rogowski, Instagram. But, yeah, I mean, it's. It's a tricky thing because obviously, comedy. We're artists. We use our life to make.

[A]

No, you don't.

[C]

That's what Sam says. Trying to get a blow job. Come on.

[A]

I'm an artist.

[E]

You want to blow an. It's all immersive.

[B]

We all suffer for our art.

[A]

My dick's a paintbrush, and your throat's the canvas.

[B]

You offended Maddie on that one.

[A]

Oh, sorry, Maddie.

[B]

No, no, no.

[E]

Hi, Maddie.

[C]

Sam's like, I'm Sammy o'. Keefe.

[E]

There's too many videos.

[C]

So stupid.

[E]

What are we drinking here?

[B]

Yeah, do you want to. Can we get Matt Scott a paper plane here?

[E]

Sorry about a paper plan. You know, I was. I was saying, I've been sober 12 years, but I figured today we're jumping off the wagon, boys.

[B]

I'm excited.

[A]

Let's do it.

[E]

Come on. For you.

[A]

For you.

[F]

Come on.

[B]

He wants to.

[E]

No, I'm. It's a.

[A]

That's a joke.

[E]

That's a joke.

[B]

But he was drunk in my thing the other night.

[C]

I was.

[A]

I can't believe I took you seriously.

[E]

That's the thing, Mark. People take me serious. It's one of those New York Cities. I think it might be that one.

[A]

No. York City.

[C]

Oh, you're in the same suit.

[E]

I will.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

I will imbibe. I'll have a spot of New York City.

[F]

City.

[E]

So are you a real New Yorker? Like, a real New Yorker? Do you think you know New York?

[A]

Fairly much.

[B]

I grew up here 50 years ago.

[A]

On 3rd Avenue and 17th Street.

[E]

I got some questions for you. The Pulaski Bridge. I don't think this is the one.

[F]

I think.

[E]

I think it's the second.

[B]

That one.

[E]

Try that one.

[A]

You know, a lot of people slim down. What's the secret?

[E]

Oh, my God. I'm just not eating. Let's find out.

[B]

Just really depressed, fell apart.

[C]

City.

[A]

Not the Oz.

[E]

No, I'm not doing that. Who's the current mayor of New York City?

[A]

Oh, Eric Adams.

[B]

Who was the mayor before him?

[A]

Oh, he was a tall guy. De Blasio. Marriage.

[B]

Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

[A]

No.

[E]

When was 9.

[A]

11.

[B]

September 11th.

[E]

How soon after we broke up did my ex fiance rejoin the dating app we met on?

[F]

One month.

[A]

Is this it? Yes. In these, Immediately. About two seconds after we're engaged.

[E]

She's my fiance.

[B]

I know.

[A]

It was just a quick two seconds.

[E]

Last text me, she wrote, you're not capable of partnership, not ready to build a home, a family, or life with anyone. What is she talking about?

[B]

She's not ready.

[E]

She's not ready.

[B]

Right?

[C]

She's not ready.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

I think the guy in the white.

[B]

Beater knew she was prejudiced, so she said, you're not ready. She wants a family.

[E]

Yeah, I wanted a family. I'm ready, baby.

[A]

I'm ready to go.

[E]

It might be too late already.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

41 now.

[B]

Now. If he did it, you did it late.

[C]

I think it's too late. You could skid into the bottom of the ninth and that suit.

[E]

You think? I want to have Mark Norman's life, though.

[B]

I. I think you could have a family. I think you could do it.

[E]

I absolutely think I'm ready. I told her I was ready.

[B]

I'm ready.

[C]

Dude, don't listen to Sam.

[B]

I'm ready.

[E]

We should have a kid together.

[B]

Yeah, let's do it.

[E]

There's a sitcom.

[A]

There's a sitcom.

[C]

One loving sitcom if I've ever seen.

[A]

Two Jews, one puppy.

[E]

I'm ready for it, man. We go to pizza place, too.

[C]

I think you got. I could see. Combine that sitcom element, him in that suit, back to back with Sam with like a fun, loving, you do the math expression.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And a baby. Wackily.

[B]

What's the movie? I'm thinking of Tom Selleck.

[A]

Three boy men and a baby.

[B]

Yeah. We need a third.

[E]

We need a third.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Three ages. Yeah, that's good.

[E]

Now it's like Chico and the Man.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

So you want a baby?

[E]

I do. I wish I could go out and do.

[B]

I think I be. I think I could be a single dad, too. I'm ready. I'm. I'll do.

[A]

It was a lot of work. A lot of work.

[B]

I need a woman.

[C]

I say we cut it out if it's not okay. But when we were all out to dinner.

[B]

This is funny.

[C]

Sam was, like, at the bar. Sam goes, you know what I think I'm gonna do with, like, the solemn, kind of mature Sam? Like, he's really settling in on a decision. He goes, you think what I'll do? I think I'll just impregnate, date some insane woman, and then I'll basically, I won't be with her because she's crazy, but at least I'll get a baby.

[B]

And then Mark, you get custody and I'll get custody and I'll date a cool woman. And then just because I'm, you know, I don't want to be too old to dad. And then Mark was like some inverted universe.

[C]

Mark was the voice of reason. And Mark was like, no, I don't think you can just. Crazy chick. Because then she'll be the baby's mom.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Mark said. He goes, no, you don't want the baby's mom to be crazy. I was like, huh?

[A]

Yes. Yes. We'll drown them in a tub.

[B]

This is like the third baby drown reference we've had this episode.

[A]

Yeah, put on some Whitney Houston.

[B]

Put on some Andrea Yates. She's got an album.

[A]

Deep cut.

[E]

Andrew, you remember the names of these people?

[B]

I'm a sick.

[E]

You are a sick.

[B]

I just read the. I read. I read the dark stories a lot. Cuz I'm trying to come up with bits.

[E]

See, he wants a baby.

[C]

Probably. Sam, are you attracted? Who is the.

[A]

That.

[C]

That hot female?

[B]

Jodi Arias. Very attractive. That Jodi Arias was one fine piece.

[C]

Of ass to knock up. Jody, Was it Carly?

[A]

The baby? No.

[B]

I used to. I used to have a joke about Jodi Arias. She. She stabbed her boyfriend 30 times, slit his throat, and then shot him in the head because he tried to break up with her. And women always like, why don't you be a man and break up with me in my face. And I'm like, that's why.

[A]

She's kind of got a Boebert thing going on.

[B]

She's hotter. But the problem. You know what the problem is? She is dead behind the eyes. You can see it. Oh, yeah, you can always see.

[C]

Oh, you can see it. But that. Yeah, that's why you should break up with a girl on Zoom and then jizz to Jod Aras instead. That's. That's Sam's moral.

[A]

There was another one who was hotter. She killed a kid in Italy or her husband in Italy. God, what was her name?

[C]

I know who you're talking about, but it's.

[B]

This is a good holiday.

[A]

Anthony. Casey Anthony did not kill Florida car.

[C]

She went out for like a titty contest. That very.

[E]

She was that.

[B]

I'm saying she sucked off her lawyer.

[A]

I love her.

[E]

A little Alanis Morris going on for.

[C]

Like a wet T shirt contest in Tampa, right?

[B]

Some guy in Tennessee. Pull up the story. Some guy in Tennessee destroyed his marriage by dating Casey Anthony.

[C]

That's right. Let's go to a caller. Let's go to a caller.

[A]

Wait, who's the one?

[E]

Casey without the sunshine band.

[A]

There was one of them.

[C]

Am I right about Casey Anthony going on a wet T shirt contest? This makes me feel like such a tremendous mother. Just. These stories are wonderful.

[E]

I tell you what. Two words you never want to see before your name in an article. Convicted killer.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

No, it's not good.

[E]

Not good tot mom neither. You don't want to see that.

[B]

Yeah, look at her. That's with the guy and she called it off with. Imagine Casey Anthony breaking up with you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This isn't working. I need stability.

[A]

You got off easy, though. What did she do, kill the kid?

[E]

Yeah, she did her own right.

[B]

She's in great shape. Look at those legs. Jesus. Someone's doing squats.

[A]

I don't know. Little doughy, but hold on. What's the. What's the Italy.

[C]

Oh, my God. She's not a.

[E]

Knox was.

[C]

I believe she was cleared of.

[E]

See, when you said four, that's when I got it.

[A]

That's when you got it. Amanda Knox is the hottest. She.

[C]

She is quite beautiful.

[A]

I'm in. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Nice.

[C]

Look at that Sam. Nice Hitler youth kind of look. Sam's.

[B]

I do love a Hitler youth look.

[A]

You do love it.

[B]

I like.

[C]

I like a woman tolerate a whisper of Judaism in his mouth.

[B]

I really am attracted. If I see a woman, I'm like, she wouldn't have hid me during the Holocaust cost. I find that very attractive. I'm like, she would have turned me the in.

[A]

Yes. A Milano.

[C]

I remember you dated. Sam went is on a date with this alarmingly hot German woman who he brought me over to introduce me. Like. I'm like, don't use me as part of your pre oiling process for the woman.

[B]

I'm like, look. Look how trustworthy I am. A female friend.

[A]

Yes. Pre oiling.

[B]

She was. She was really hot.

[C]

No, she was insanely hot. But I'm like, what am I?

[E]

What.

[B]

I don't have anything to do.

[C]

I don't want to be insider. Sam, take it from here. And then he's like, no. She actually told me that her family helped the people. Like, and they hid the Jews in the Holocaust. That's what they all say. They all say they hid the Jews in the holidays.

[A]

I have a black friend.

[E]

They were all there when Dylan went electric. When Dylan converted to Judaism, you know.

[A]

Are you Jewish? I am joking.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

I can't even see Maddie with that nose.

[E]

It's in the way hey, one breath. I'm good all day.

[A]

That's it.

[E]

I could smoke a cigar in the shower, but here's. These are foreign.

[B]

I'll tell you, by the way, I did.

[E]

Listen, this is such a.

[A]

See your dick over that thing.

[E]

That is not seen, regardless. And you brought this up, by the way. I want to say this here.

[A]

Get it out.

[E]

Happy holidays.

[C]

Why is he bringing up your game?

[B]

I don't know.

[E]

Happy holidays. I think my introduction should have been had. I had one. Please welcome.

[B]

I said that.

[E]

Please welcome the most talked about guest getting his first chance to talk about Scott Rogowski. That's a good intro because I've. How many years? How many years? Years now. Six years. The show.

[A]

Six. Six.

[B]

By the way, Mark hates confrontation.

[E]

Six years. This is our Mencia Marin moment.

[A]

Marin. Or Rogan Rogan.

[E]

Whatever the hell. Gallagher. Gallagher. Marin.

[A]

Okay, this is it. I'm ready.

[C]

Because I'm unaware of this.

[A]

She doesn't know.

[E]

No.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

This is all double C.

[E]

I probably managed.

[B]

He really stumbled there.

[E]

Are we talking about B?

[B]

He's in the middle. He was in the middle and he was like, tits. Okay.

[E]

I didn't bring batteries.

[A]

Is it double C? C.

[C]

You guys are so dumb. Go ahead.

[B]

What is happening?

[E]

But you've been doing the show for six years. I've probably been mentioned six or seven times.

[A]

That's true.

[E]

And. And listen, it's wonderful when it happens. I got a lot of messages. Oh, my God, you're on Mark and Sam show. This is a big show, guys. I go, that's cool. That's cool. Yeah, I'll be invited one of these days, I'm sure.

[A]

One of these days.

[E]

You know, for all the times I've invited them onto running late. 12 angry mascots. All the great times we had back at the Pit open mic, Mark.

[A]

Yes, the Pit open mic.

[C]

Keep touching Mark as much as possible.

[E]

Honest to God, this is all a bit. I love you guys. Thank you for having me.

[A]

Wait, I want to know what happened.

[E]

No, there's no air to clear. I'm just. Ultimately, there's no podcast. There's no air. I'm literally joking. It's a bit. I tell jokes. I'm a comedian. The microphone penis. So then he talks about micro penis. Oh, this was good.

[A]

It's in your act.

[E]

Yes, because I'm a comedian. Mark, you ever hear about exaggeration, hyperbole? No, it's okay.

[B]

That's what I said on the episode. Like, I think it's a joke, but it's okay. And Mark's like, yeah, he's got a micro penis. And I was like, no, I think it's a bit.

[A]

I'm here.

[E]

I'm here to clear the air and to show you clearly, clearly, it's not a macro penis.

[A]

All right, okay.

[E]

You know. Yeah.

[C]

Was I on this episode? I remember this. Maybe it's because you guys shared the clip. Was I on that episode?

[E]

I don't know.

[C]

Sally cues. You better find this out in one minute.

[A]

5.

[E]

I've had plenty of jokes about it. It is part of my act. It's a wonderful part of my act, frankly. I'm a Scott Grogowski, not Chogowski.

[B]

Aha. I think most men are. I think most men are.

[E]

But I had a great joke. You know, also, I've done stand up in, like 15 years, but I still remember.

[C]

I remember this. But for all the top moms that don't know what we're talking about at home, Mark said that. Mark mentioned that you had a micro penis, referring to your act.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And Sam was like, I don't think you want to announce that he has a micro penis. I believe he meant that ironically. By the way, Sam deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for this. I remember that.

[E]

It was great.

[B]

It was Obama.

[E]

It was a great moment. But here's the thing.

[A]

I've.

[E]

Since I've talked to him about micropenis. This is a real thing.

[A]

Please.

[E]

It's like a butt button. Yeah, that's what we're talking about here. That's the micro.

[A]

Yeah, that's the micro.

[E]

I extend to, like, four and a half. So, you know. So that's. That's good enough.

[A]

All right.

[E]

It's good enough.

[A]

That's a micro.

[E]

That's a micro.

[B]

That's rough.

[A]

That's me when I work out. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Why would you guys would prefer.

[A]

Because your body.

[B]

Blood.

[A]

Yeah. It's hiding it for you. Thinks you're in a fight. Yeah.

[E]

I mean, listen. I listen. There's a Men who suffer from this. It's a horrible. It's horrible.

[B]

I mean, those tits are rough.

[F]

Rough.

[A]

Jeez.

[B]

Might be worse.

[A]

Look at that little doorbell on the side. Oh, my God.

[E]

God, it's not nice to be.

[A]

Oh.

[E]

I feel as someone adjacent to the community. Listen, I may not have a microphone, but I'm an ally to the community.

[A]

Okay, so you're saying you're under average?

[E]

I would say under average. I believe that was one of my tweets. And I've again, these are jo. They're funny.

[C]

Nothing wrong with a strong, almost medium it's almost medium.

[E]

It's fun size.

[C]

That's great.

[E]

As the greats have said. There's so many jokes about this, Mark. You love these jokes.

[A]

I love Joe. That's why I remembered it exactly.

[C]

I've always said, and my grandmother used to tell me this every Yom Kippur. She would say, a fat can be a real problem.

[E]

I've heard this. The girth.

[C]

Nothing is. Yes, he's got trouble. Because nobody really wants that. I mean, listen, I can't speak for the masses. I'm sure the comments will be flooded. But you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick. What are you gonna do with that? It's. It's. It's painful. Yeah. You wanna.

[B]

Guys like it more Guys like it.

[C]

Think that women are sitting around talking about that all day. Obviously if a dick is sort of surprisingly large or small, it's going to come up. But mostly you don't want some sort of ludicrous dick like that. It's too hard to wrangle. Oh, thank you. I wasn't going to ask you. But you agree.

[A]

I was about.

[C]

See this.

[E]

See, we have to have an honest.

[B]

Conversation about Scott might get laid out of this.

[D]

One time I received a dick pic and it was so big that I never spoke to him again.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And I'm sorry I sent you that. That terrible man.

[D]

But I'm happy because I was like, that's. There's no way that.

[A]

Is that right?

[D]

But good for you, man.

[C]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

I just assumed you all wanted a fire hydrant.

[C]

No, it's a problem. Right?

[B]

It's.

[C]

Right.

[D]

It's a hassle.

[C]

Yeah, it's painful.

[E]

I once said the dick picking was a headshot of Dick Cabot. That's what I do.

[C]

What did you say?

[D]

There's only so much vagina, you know?

[E]

Only so much vagina. I have that tattooed on my back. But there's something interesting about. About.

[C]

And Mark's combed through most of it.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Through. You have combed through a lot of vagina, Mark.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Before his married days. When he was just taking any three star Uber driver.

[E]

Before and after. No, but how, how.

[A]

Oh, you remember that?

[C]

I do. I remember we were like in Arkansas or something and like we had like a toothless driver and Mark was like, hey. He was coming onto it.

[A]

I was like, wow, I was goofing.

[C]

Honestly, I thought I. I kind of admired it. I mean, she would. Was. And I mean this was all due respect, like she was ferociously old and Pretty heinous.

[A]

I mean, she was, like, ferocious.

[C]

She didn't have that many teeth. And Mark was like, hey. He was, like, really working her.

[A]

She was a five years younger than Rob Reiner. Somewhere like that.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

We're using Rob Reiner as the reference.

[A]

I know his age.

[E]

Why would you use him of all people?

[A]

He's in the news.

[E]

Oh, he is.

[A]

Yeah. Don't look it up.

[E]

Oscar Noms.

[C]

I do appreciate that. Not only would you. Mark, again, this is. Cut any of this. I'm inclusive, but, yeah, that you were inclusive because not only would you hook up with these ladies.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

But the next day you'd be like, oh, God. Took four hours to get her off. I was down there forever.

[B]

At least you know she's got a ride home.

[A]

Yeah, she rated me the car. Yeah, yeah, we had a good time.

[E]

What's the oldest you've gone? What's the biggest discrepancy? Oldest and youngest.

[A]

I never carded. It's hard to get the exact age now, but.

[B]

Yeah, I'm trying to think. It was a Green Acres retirement community. I'm trying to put it together. No, I think it was probably mid-50s.

[A]

Yeah, same.

[E]

Yeah. 58 when I was 30.

[B]

Nice.

[E]

Wonderful.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

They give.

[C]

Oh, yeah, bro. I'm a mother. I'm a mother.

[E]

At my friend's wedding. It was my friend's cousin.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we'll leave it. Give us the. What she looked like.

[C]

Like, what made you decide to take the old silver?

[E]

She was like. She was like 4 foot 10 and she was, like, petite. So petite. A dancer. I like the petite, you know, smaller hands. It's all perspective. I know the tricks. I learned the tricks.

[A]

Makes sense.

[E]

So she's.

[B]

So you should get jerked off by.

[A]

Trump or rich boss.

[B]

We'd be a good match.

[C]

Wait, why do you like small?

[E]

We're dancing. Oh, we're just. We're just dancing. We're having a good time.

[C]

Just really.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. She was very sensual with the dancing, so we started talking. We didn't hook up that night, but it ended up. She lived in Philly. I was in New York. We made some trips. She used to work at a. Like, a freaking strip club. As, like, the. Like the madam or something.

[B]

What?

[E]

Yeah, she would have girls, so she.

[B]

Must have been really good if she.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, it was fantastic. She called it the special. She had her thing. She called it the special. That's what we called it back in the day.

[C]

Special.

[E]

Just. Just, you know.

[C]

Felicia, tell us a blow job. Oh, that. But it was nothing special, but it was special.

[E]

It was a special blow job.

[A]

She took her teeth out.

[B]

She didn't.

[E]

She.

[F]

She.

[E]

That's you with the gummers. No, she had her teeth. It was just. I don't know. I'm not gonna. I don't wanna spoil it.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Read the book.

[A]

Well, at least you saved money on the early bird dinners.

[B]

Yeah. He's gonna get a call from this lady in a couple months. I listen to a podcast that got 2,000 views, and you insulted me.

[E]

Well, she's happily deceased now. So is she.

[C]

Really?

[E]

Oh, I'm kidding.

[B]

You killed it with you.

[E]

I'm a joke maker.

[A]

Nursing home with Cuomo.

[D]

Do you attend that funeral?

[A]

There you go, Maddie. Put her on the board.

[C]

Wow.

[E]

This is.

[B]

So what's your oldest, Mark?

[A]

Somewhere around there. Probably 62.

[B]

I met a woman at a casino in Reno, Nevada, when I was like, 24. She's probably like 55 or something. She was hot, though.

[A]

Yeah, my virginity was big cans.

[E]

55.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[E]

You like a mold.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Mark and I have bonded over.

[E]

And you've always.

[B]

With the movies and milfs. Yeah.

[C]

I remember being out with Sam once and his phone rang.

[A]

Sorry, what's that?

[C]

Yeah, I was out with Sam and his phone rang, and. And it just said on his phone, older woman Tampa.

[A]

Was it a rotary?

[C]

And I've never felt as bad for a woman in that moment. Like. Like, older woman Tampa. I'm probably thinking about him and following up. Like, she had her own play in her head, but she was nothing but older woman. T. But just boil down to that, in Sam's mind, that's the character.

[E]

That's the character.

[B]

She was a good woman.

[E]

But we have to admit. Let's. Who's got the weirdest name?

[B]

Special in Tampa, February 27th. Both shows sold out, baby.

[C]

Anyone want to.

[B]

I'm gonna add a night in the new year, but, yeah, no, Tampa. Tampa's great.

[A]

Love Tampa.

[B]

Tampa's good. Good.

[E]

Hard drinking crowd.

[C]

Had many a crush on older women.

[B]

It's a.

[C]

It's a very appealing aspect.

[B]

Oh, thanks. It was better than the other way. Right, right.

[C]

Women.

[B]

Women always like when you like older women.

[C]

Of course.

[A]

Definitely.

[B]

But I think. I think if you're like an older woman and you keep it tight, it's hot.

[A]

Definitely. Agreed.

[B]

And they're together and. And there's just a maturity thing. No, it's not.

[A]

They're very grateful when you're down there. They're like, thank you. And you're moving cobwebs. It's a whole thing.

[B]

No, I, no, they, they give you worth as original. They're more secure. They have their own. They're more, they're more. They're comfortable on their own. They don't need. They're not like always waiting for you to, to figure out.

[C]

No, it's called lose. They've already lost hope. They lost.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

I couldn't put my finger on it. But yes, hope is passive. Loss of hope. I love that. I find that attractive.

[E]

Belief in, in finding love or anything like that.

[A]

And they don't go, what are we. Where's this going?

[E]

You going to call me?

[A]

Oh, you go, you're going to be dead soon, you old man.

[B]

You do the dice voice.

[C]

Mark, please. See that hip dance.

[E]

I like the act out on the podcast.

[B]

That's nice. Yeah, look at those hips.

[A]

Take me to dinner at 5:00pm okay, shut up.

[E]

This guy's taking UCB classes over here.

[A]

Knitting, you old goose.

[B]

What the is happening?

[A]

We've been drinking.

[C]

I did always respect. Oh my God.

[E]

I love Nick's shimmy shimmy Cocoa Puff.

[A]

Is it hot in here?

[B]

It is hot in here.

[C]

But I'm like the.

[B]

Take it off.

[C]

Let's see those SE s the whole time. But I'm like, then it's going to be some memeable and they'll put some old lady music to it too. That'll devastate me.

[A]

Put the silver sweater relief off.

[B]

He looks like a peeping Tom, this guy. You look like a scumbag.

[C]

Does look like. He's like has the eye up to a glory hole in the planet.

[A]

You look like the trench coat guy who does this.

[B]

You would expose yourself.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Clint Howard's body double.

[A]

Yeah, Clint Howard. Get Ron Jeremy. There you go.

[E]

Beautiful, beautiful. So kind to me. How are you, Matthew?

[A]

So.

[B]

But you, you've been like in love so many times.

[E]

So many times.

[B]

You've always had hot girlfriends.

[A]

I feel like that's true. You're a big. You're a good vagina.

[E]

I guess I'm a good looking Jew.

[B]

Yeah, you are.

[E]

You know, which is nice because Jewish women love Jewish guys. Jewish women, I mean it's nice for this day and age. Mostly stay off certain beaches, but.

[C]

Oh my God.

[E]

Listen, you have to. This is what you do. You make the joke.

[C]

This is what you do is great.

[E]

I'm a perfect guess which you could have had 12 of me.

[B]

70 year old. Look, it's important to.

[E]

I've seen some of these guests. You guys get one battle after Another with some of these guys.

[A]

Al Franken. Don't get me started.

[E]

And now I'm leaving New York and moving to LA again. What? Why? For the show.

[A]

You're a runner.

[E]

I'm a runner. I tend to.

[B]

But I'm not family. Dude, here's the thing.

[E]

I'm ready.

[C]

No, he's like Frank Sinatra. He's always proposing but he's never fucking closing the deal. You're.

[E]

I was ready to close.

[C]

Why don't you just close?

[E]

I was ready to close. She didn't trust it. I don't wanna get on that.

[B]

Why didn't you trust it? What did you do?

[E]

Because of her own issues.

[C]

Proposing of her own issues.

[B]

Where do you mean?

[A]

Trauma.

[E]

I met her on field.

[B]

You're not ready for a family kink ass.

[A]

That's the kink ass.

[E]

But you know what?

[B]

I love that you guys all what was the king.

[E]

You're not wrong. I'm never doing these apps again. I'm dead serious about dating.

[B]

I actually. I need to meet women in person. I. I always find that in person I. There's like a. Sometimes I see a picture and I'm like not attracted to her, but in person I'm super attracted to her. And vice versa. Vibe is so much energy is so much pheromones. What was your kink on feel?

[E]

It was more her kink. Small dick.

[B]

Really?

[C]

What's the moral of this? You weren't small enough.

[E]

Wasn't small enough. Isn't that something? She wanted the micro penis.

[A]

Send her my number.

[E]

Send her on. No, but it was. It was a domination thing. She liked the sub.

[B]

I was great.

[E]

I got a sub.

[B]

Stack likes a sub. Party party.

[E]

Size six footer.

[C]

Punished.

[A]

He's a real. He's a glo.

[C]

Does he really. Does he like a punishing.

[E]

It was a food joke, stupid.

[C]

I'm missing every sexual reference here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she wants. You wanted to dominate a guy. She.

[E]

She liked to be domed, you know.

[B]

Oh no, no.

[A]

I thought every woman liked that.

[E]

Well and then once I started questioning why, that's when she started getting defensive. You know, cuz I have theories around this stuff.

[B]

You start breaking down her fetish. Yeah. You know, talk about why you like this.

[E]

Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's part of the problem now.

[A]

What does Dom mean? Tied up. Pinching Short for Dominic. What are we talking about?

[B]

You want to get by Dom A. Yeah, yeah. Exactly.

[A]

What does that mean? Give me some specifics.

[E]

Dominating. You hold her down. Not against her will. With her consent. That's the difference.

[B]

Yeah. You just held her down in life.

[E]

Yeah, folks, I was very inspirational.

[A]

Hey, Dom was looking good back then. Good.

[B]

Looking good.

[E]

Rachel, you want to explain domination and so you can explain.

[B]

Dom Aero is a funny bastard.

[C]

That's not my thing, really. I just like, I don't. Yeah, I don't want to be like. I don't really want to be choked.

[A]

It's.

[C]

I find it a little alarming, honestly.

[A]

But yeah, that's a generational.

[B]

I don't love that.

[C]

It's like a guy to make eye contact with me and to compliment me occasionally. Yeah, that's what I'm looking.

[B]

Rachel's field profiles. Like, just be nice.

[C]

Please don't punch a wall. If possible, don't put a dead in our microwave. Yeah, that was too real. Can we please, like.

[E]

Yeah, let's get real.

[C]

Some holiday music.

[A]

But the field app is good because you don't have to like date 28 times for her to be like, I like being dumb. To just come out with it.

[E]

It comes out with it. But listen, I mean, it was honestly my mistake for. For probably even being on there because I was.

[B]

Where are you going? To meet somebody.

[E]

Or I'll say this while we're somebody. You meet people at the freaking dog park now. You know, you meet people.

[C]

Look at him acting like he's everyday's man. Not when you're combing the. Some sort of weird kink app. No, you meet him at the dog park. Look, I'm a mom having not met.

[E]

A single person at the dog park. I've had a dog for. I'm not searching.

[C]

Getting jizzed on by Dom.

[B]

So what's the move then?

[E]

What's the move?

[B]

I think in person is the move.

[E]

I gotta do more podcasts, you know. Now you can.

[A]

Have you met Maddie?

[E]

Maddie, Hello.

[A]

How do you feel about Jewish men? Hey, this might be a match.

[E]

Okay. Is the best we'll take in 2024.

[A]

Yeah, you better believe it. It's not a great week.

[E]

No, it's a tricky.

[B]

It's a tricky.

[E]

Never a great week.

[D]

Who doesn't love an njb? Nice Jewish boy.

[F]

Ngb.

[E]

See, the thing about being Jewish, the Jewish women love you. Course. But also the sixes. There is an appeal. There's a Jewish kink. There's a Jewish.

[C]

True. Yes. No, that is true.

[A]

Right?

[C]

A lot of girls like Jewish guys.

[D]

Jewish guys. I could touch you up with her if you like.

[E]

Hey, see, I don't know how I feel about that.

[B]

I don't like a setup.

[E]

I don't Yeah, I don't like a setup.

[B]

Even the word setup is bad. You got set up.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

You were free and you had a smothering. You had smothering mother.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[E]

My parents are set up on a blind date. It worked for them. 44 years marriage, happy marriage.

[A]

I'll tell you, when I was single, I went on J date and I put willing to convert. Did I clean up? Holy hell.

[B]

You're just trying to get closer to Seinfeld.

[A]

Your whole profile, but every girl was like very.

[B]

I'm thinking of converting when you did that.

[C]

That's so hilarious.

[A]

I don't know, like 27.

[C]

Was that. Was that a lie that you were willing to convince?

[A]

Of course.

[C]

Of course. Right?

[A]

I'm not even going to convert to Christianity. I'm not converting anything.

[B]

Rachel used to ran run my Jewish dating profile. And you would just send the most absurd messages to people.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And they were so off the wal. Sometimes they would work. She wrote one girl, she's like you, a naughty little girl who needs to learn a lesson. Me, a guy who's gonna teach it to you. And she wrote back, me, a comedy booker. You a comedian who's doing my show next week. And I was like, fuck.

[A]

Ooh, Caroline Hirsch.

[B]

I saw her the other day.

[A]

She's very pretty.

[B]

Still looking. She's like, fucking look amazing.

[A]

I would.

[C]

She's smoking.

[B]

You would? Yeah, yeah, same.

[A]

And I don't even need the stage time anymore.

[B]

Damn, look at that.

[A]

That. Geez, look at that. She's got a Rachel.

[C]

She's a beautiful.

[E]

She's gonna beautiful Jewish plus.

[A]

Thank you. Very pretty call back.

[B]

Thanks for all the spots, Caroline.

[A]

Yeah, my dick.

[E]

Loose with the goose here.

[A]

Yeah. No, we love Caroline. She's.

[B]

No, she's the best man.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

We get some nights at that club.

[A]

Great nights.

[B]

Remember, Remember God, what's the bartender's name who I love? Loved. He'd always pour in us those Manhattans all night.

[A]

They were very tall, very strong.

[C]

Didn't it come out later that one of the owners was embezzling the entire time?

[B]

Shout out, Kenny. We love you still. You were still a good guy.

[C]

He was always in such a fun, loving mood. I had no idea it was because he bought himself a few summer homes.

[B]

The only thing that guy embezzled was our heart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And a lot of money. He got a lot of money out of them.

[A]

But good guy wasn't Lewis booking veranda.

[B]

Lou Sharano is my favorite. He's a character walking up to kid. You're the funniest in New York City. Walks up to the next, coming two feet away. You're number one. Walked up the next guy. You're the best.

[E]

He had a lot of notes.

[B]

Walked up to a homeless guy on the street. You're my favorite comedian.

[A]

I won some contest. You're supposed to win, like, three grand. So I was like, hey, Lou, can I get that money? He's like, it's not about the money. It's about the art. The art of comedy. That's what you do it for.

[C]

Oh, my God, what a wild.

[B]

You ever hear the story that Louie, he, like, wouldn't book Louie, and then Louie finally sold the place that out, and. And Lou walked up to him, was like, you're my favorite. You're the best. And Louie just walked up to him and held a middle finger for, like, one minute straight and then walked on stage.

[A]

Whoa. Damn. We love you, Louis.

[B]

I love Lou Ferranda. He was always really good to us.

[A]

Yeah, great guy, great dog.

[E]

I always.

[B]

He was. He really was good to us.

[E]

I saw Norm at Caroline's on my 30th birthday. It was the best.

[B]

What year?

[A]

Because I think I went to that show in 2014. I was there.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What's his face? Open. Colin Kane opened when I saw a perfect pairing. I know, right? Colin Kane, remember him?

[E]

Governor of Virginia.

[B]

I'd rather think Colin Kaepernick opened that show. Am I right, folks?

[E]

Oh, not Colin Quinn. But I thought. I think it was Daryl Hammond, maybe.

[B]

Oh, Hammond opened.

[F]

Maybe.

[E]

Maybe I'm conflating those. I don't know. Maybe not. No, that doesn't sound right.

[A]

Good show.

[E]

That was an amazing show. Yeah, Norm was the best.

[B]

It didn't always go over live, though.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I think some people didn't always get it. It was almost too heady for the rooms.

[A]

Just his.

[B]

His delivery and his essence. And. Yeah, I mean, he was obviously brilliant, but it didn't. He'd walk people sometimes.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The best.

[C]

Brilliant. You're right. I feel like that, too, because I remember first seeing Colin and being like, I've never seen a smarter person. And he wouldn't really be like, he. Colin would even have a tough set and wouldn't give a shit.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I feel like Colin and Norm both have these premises for jokes where, you know, sometimes you hear a joke and you're jealous of it. And I'm like, even if I had circled that premise a million times, I would never have come up with that.

[A]

I know.

[C]

I was Nowhere close. Close to coming up with a Colin angle or a norm angle. They just have these angles on things that would never occur to you.

[A]

Yeah. And even when I've had like, oh, this is a great bit. I got a great bit idea. I do it and someone goes, that's a Colin bit. Damn it. He already got to it. He's good.

[E]

But you guys, I mean, I have to say again, to bring it, to get serious here for a second. Oh, this is the, this is the sentimental portion of the show. It's a pleasure to be here. And you know, you got you two guys and Rachel, I don't know you as well, but I'm a fan of your work. But I, I went, came up with these guys. Here's the thing.

[C]

Sure.

[E]

2006, 2007, 2008, the open mics, we're doing it. We're doing the pit. We're doing Village Lantern, the cabin, of course, the great cabin. Sam and I, you weren't doing the Sage that much, I don't think.

[A]

A couple times. I have videos on YouTube.

[E]

Really?

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Me, you, and Pat Dixon.

[E]

I blacked out those nights. But you, we, you and I were doing Sage almost every week.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Barking out, getting people. I mean, we must have grown, we must have done shows.

[B]

No, Mark did that show constantly.

[A]

I did a lot.

[E]

I mean, we saw each other all the time. We were going out for like a six month period in 2007. And what, what I realized, people ask me all the time, you know, oh, you still doing stand up and things. And I'm going, you know, I came up, I mentioned these guys. Oh, Sam, Mark, these friends of mine. But what I realized about six months doing it, you know, you guys are hard. Drinking boys and girls and late nights. I didn't have the constitution for it and I couldn't hang with these guys. And frankly, stand up comedy, well, I realized stand up comedy is really hard, but it's being really good at stand up is really hard. It's hard work that I wasn't quite willing to do at the time. Sure, you had funny stuff and I found my, you know, talk shows niche and I spun off different ways.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

But I always admired everyone who sticks to stand up like that and grinds it out.

[A]

I appreciate it.

[E]

And to watch you get to where you are today day, Holy moly.

[A]

It's a blue collar job. I always say, beautiful thing, got to grind.

[E]

You're filthy rich.

[C]

I can say for myself, I, I wish that I was one of those people who had like a Series of other options. But I made this noble choice to, like, leave it all for a stand up. I had no other skills. I always wanted to be like, one of those stories where I was like, I was a doctor, but at the, like, bottom of the ninth, I left med school because Caroline's call, like a.

[B]

Dimitri Martin, like, Geraldo always wanted that story. No, but. But you get to a certain age, like, this is it. Like, I really have to try.

[C]

I know. I remember discussing, like. Like I had gotten, you know, one, many, many rejections on the road, and I was just like, sobbing in some rancid hotel room and I was talking to one of my girlfriends on the phone and God bless comics for being just like hilariously honest with you at your darkest hour. I was like, I think I'm just gonna quit. She was like, you have no other skills. There's nothing else you could buy. You have nothing else to offer the.

[A]

Workforce but raise up Uber or something.

[C]

It's like this or, I'm home, I can't drive.

[B]

I have a license. But that would be a funny thing, is me being a shitty ass.

[E]

That's like Andy Coffin doing the dishes.

[B]

Yeah, that's your version.

[E]

If Coffin was around, he'd be doing. But Rachel. But you, you could be a writer, right? You can film out. You can spin out to film other things. These other things to do with comedy instead of stand up.

[C]

Right.

[E]

So the fact sticking to stand up specifically.

[B]

No, but we had a lot of fun, dude. I mean, Mark and I just love it.

[A]

You love it?

[B]

Mark, in those early days, we had so much fun drinking and like, you know, meeting the coffee shop. Like. No, it was, it was fun. Same with Rachel. I mean, we had so much fun.

[A]

Like, just remember that coffee shop in Williamsburg, Mew and Hanley would write once a week.

[B]

That was fun, dude.

[A]

That was fun. That was crazy.

[B]

That was a great spot.

[A]

Yeah, we really worked hard now.

[B]

We worked hard on bouncing bits. And you'd be patient with each other and be like, oh, I think you're trying to say this. Or like you let each other cook. It was good.

[A]

And we were learning how to develop joke. We didn't know how to write. You just kind of go on, you know, improvising.

[B]

Yeah. Learning your voice and stuff.

[E]

How many is this funny text you get from Sam?

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Sam's texts are amazing.

[B]

Well, I get it from you too. I mean.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Is this funny? That's the. But that's what you.

[C]

That's.

[E]

Is this funny? Is like the comedian, like, slogan well.

[B]

We almost called this show that.

[E]

Yeah, that's a great title. Is this Funny?

[C]

Sam is always. It's like, always a series of very jewy complaints. And he was like, oh, this is a lot. This is a lot. I haven't slept. And then it's just like a classic 90s Nicks moment. And it's like, is this funny? And he always pops back into material again.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta. Gotta go back to the jokes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

But you guys, I feel like you're.

[B]

She bounced a bit by me at the Cellar last night. Then I watched her doing It Killed. And I was like, I love that. I love that. We're at the bar just talking joke jokes. Rachel runs it by me. I was like, oh, that's really good. And then I watched her do. And she added a couple lines, like, that's. That's the best when you see a comic, like, because you know what that means.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So them bouncing a joke, them doing the joke, the joke killing. And then you're like, oh, that's awesome.

[F]

You gotta.

[C]

It was the most satisfying.

[B]

It's great.

[C]

I feel like lately, like, we both. Because I'm the same amount of. I'm always complaining and, like, convetching about some horseshit. But I feel like we do. We have a good rhythm of complaining and then writing and then complaining. It. But I always. I also remember that when I first met both of you guys, you were both already very funny right away. Always really good comics, good writers. Right away. But. And I remember that Sam, I remember thinking, like, oh, like he's some kind of, like, dark bad boy. And then somebody was like, oh, no, he's nice. And then Norman would, like, say again. It would pretty much devastate me. And then I remember telling Sam, like, at night, I'd be like. And then he said this to me, and then he told me this, and Sam was like, no, he doesn't mean it like that. It's ironic.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

He likes you.

[C]

I know. And I remember one.

[B]

That's me being like, mark fucking likes you.

[A]

I know. People think you're an asshole, apparently.

[C]

No, no, not now, But. But then I remember, Mark, you called me one day. No, Every. Comics always slam each other. But Mark, because he's just a pure comic, he's not thinking about it. I've learned this about it, right? He would say something that would be just too acute, too honest, too specifically devastating. And then I remember, like, one time you called me or you messaged me.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

And you were like, you up? And you were like, I And, like, I was like. I said something to Mark one day. I think you were going through something, and. And I was like, oh, you should go to therapy. I'm in therapy. It might help or something. And then you did go, and then you messaged me this really lovely, sweet message. And you were like, thank you for being a nice friend to me. Thank you for being there for me. I knew Alan Lefkowitz must be behind this somehow. Like, there's no way.

[A]

No, that was all me.

[C]

But I was. But I was touched. I was like, oh, that's really sweet. And then after that, I was like, all right, Mark's okay.

[E]

And they said he's fucking his therapist.

[B]

Yeah, well, we. Mark and I had so many nights at the subway stop where it was just like, he lived downtown, I lived uptown. And we would just kind of wait at the train. He would just walk. We'd walk to the train. We'd be drunk, talking shit. And then the train would come, and Mark would be like, let's wait for the next train. Like, all right, next train. And then the train would come, like, let's do one more. And then we just shit talk. We'd bitch about the state of the business. We talk jokes. We do everything. And then we'd be like, all right, we got it all out for the week. We're good.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Now we can just be fucking humans.

[A]

Yes.

[E]

That's your therapy.

[B]

You need it.

[A]

You need to get the shit out.

[B]

We'll plug some dates. What do we got coming? Is this Rachel? Rachel, where are you going to be coming?

[C]

I'll be in Charlotte, Madison, Rochester, Nashville, albeit mothership in Austin and Jersey and a lot of other places. I don't want to list them all and bore everybody, but just follow me at Rachel Feinstein.

[A]

Syracuse, Albany. Syracuse, Spokane, Beverly, Mass. Fort Lauderdale, Tacoma. Nice. Oh, good room.

[E]

Good Native American name towns.

[F]

Native towns.

[C]

They're about to put up mothership next. It's not. I think it's not live yet. Another date for. In LA for the Netflix is a joke.

[B]

Punch up live. RachelFeinstein, have you tapped into.

[C]

Watch my firefighter on I was going to ask about the firefighter big guy on Netflix. Sorry, go ahead.

[A]

Big guy on Netflix.

[B]

Very funny.

[A]

Funny. Have you tapped into the firefighter world?

[C]

Half of my crowd is all, that's amazing first responder family. So I have to, like, split the difference of, like, not repeating firefighter jokes for people that don't care. And then doing some amount of first responder. They all bring me these, like, challenge Coins. They. They bring me like presents and like patches and. No, it's very touching, but.

[E]

Yeah, my family's third responder.

[C]

I get firefighters. The more they all come out. Yeah, they can take a joke. They're. They're good hang.

[A]

They're the best.

[C]

They're great hang.

[A]

They can drink.

[B]

Scott. What? So plug the new show. Scott.

[E]

The new show is. It's called Savvy. I mean, no, not. I don't know the name of the show. It's called Tech Savvy. The show's text Savvy on the Savvy app, which is. I don't know when this episode comes out, but 28. By February 1st, we should be exiting our beta launch, going five shows a week, 9:00pm Eastern Time, live.

[B]

This is HQ Trivia Guy.

[E]

This is HQ Trivia coming back. And this is the first podcast.

[B]

And this was the biggest show in the fucking country for a minute.

[E]

This is the biggest thing.

[A]

Huge.

[B]

You were on fire.

[E]

Millions of people. Millions of people.

[B]

And the HQ Trivia doc on hbo.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're the only person who's a human documentary about.

[E]

Isn't that nuts?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't know that. Yeah.

[C]

I've been hearing stories about you forever from Sam. He always tells me about you. Listen, it's.

[E]

It's.

[F]

We were.

[B]

We're all old pals, three of us, and.

[A]

And four inches of Jewish steel. I'm right here.

[E]

I'm right here.

[A]

I'm gonna plug.

[E]

Can I plug my dick? I. I used to tell people I'm black from the waist down. A black three year old. And I'd also say things like, you know, people, they drive cars, sports cars, to compensate for everything. By that logic, I should be driving an 18 wheeler. But my favorite one. I'll close up my section with this. You know, my girlfriend and I, we decided to mix things up a little bit. Sent her a dick pic. Moments later, she was raided by the FBI and booked on possession of child pornography.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

Awesome.

[E]

There you go.

[A]

All right, let's see.

[E]

I'll be back in the clubs. I'll open for you. Bring me on the road. Take me. I want to do it.

[A]

I don't know if I can fit that hog in my carry on.

[B]

I got charge extra. I'm back in clubs to work out the special. OMaha Funny Bone, January 8th through 10th. And I'm at the DC Improv. Probably add a show there. And then we got. I just added a thing in Zany's because that sold out. We added Rosemont February 4th that's in February. Yeah. And then we Got Stanford Connect, February 12th through 14th. The following weekend, I'll be in the Providence Comedy Connection. That'll be up by then. Providence Comedy Connection just started that. And then we got. I believe both those shows are sold out. For Tampa. The Tampa Theater. For my. For my special taping. I think I'll add on the special. I'll add on the 26th. So let's fucking Tampa taping. February 26th. Tampa. Older woman, Tampa. Hope I see you there.

[A]

Yeah. Go Bucks.

[B]

December.

[A]

What?

[B]

Here we go. Yes. Punchup Live. MarkNorman tickets. Punchup Live Sam Morrell tickets as well. Same with Rachel.

[E]

Play Savvy Live. That's the website. Playsavvy Live.

[B]

This is gonna be big, guys.

[E]

The first ones.

[B]

Oh, IQ was incredible.

[A]

Huge.

[E]

Yeah. And it's an invite only right now, but I will extend to your listeners and your fans a free invitation. Just use code micropenis at checkout.

[B]

Is there a link? They can do it.

[C]

True. I believed you.

[A]

See, I believed him, too.

[E]

I'm too believable. This is why America loves me.

[C]

I had the code. It would do you well.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Where you at, Mark?

[A]

Hey. Kansas City. Wait, no, that's already over. Des Moines, Iowa. Brea in Irvine County. Come on out. La. And then Bend, Oregon. Not bragging. Grand Ron. Never heard of it. New Brunswick in Jersey. Vinnie Brand, stay off my stage. San Antonio at the lol. Tulsa, baby. Never been that.

[B]

Vinnie Brand's gonna serve Bodega Cat at stress factory. Shout out, Vinnie.

[A]

Hell yeah. Indianapolis, Buffalo, Helium.

[B]

And hopefully we cancel some of these to film a fucking movie, Mark.

[A]

We'll see. I'm happy to. We'll see. And Portland, Maine. Thank you, Maddie. Where are you gonna be?

[D]

Stumble in.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

One night's. What nights? You there, Maddie?

[D]

Monday night. Saturday day.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Saturday day.

[C]

Stumble in.

[E]

That's a. That's a hell of a workload.

[B]

Buy some. Buy some. Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat. Whiskey.com. dM the Instagram. Bodega Cat Whiskey. And Matt will get back to you if you want it in your bar. But it's everywhere now. I mean, we're going. I think we're about to close at shop.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I mean, we're done.

[E]

This.

[B]

We're cooking. We're bleeding money. Please, please get us. We're bleeding money.

[E]

Oh, well, real quick, Matthew, I. I brought gifts.

[A]

Oh, come on.

[E]

Speaking of bleeding money.

[A]

Tampon.

[E]

Tampon for tamp. For the Tampa taping. No, I have gifts here. I brought two. I Don't know how people be, but maybe I'll get Rachel. I'll get you a third one. This is another thing that happened this year. A game came out with my face on it.

[A]

This will pay them and my voice.

[B]

This is amazing. Holy shit.

[E]

This is called the Good News is. And boy, oh, boy. You want. You want to know the bad news on. The good News is tariffs. The tariffs fucked us.

[A]

Was this made in China?

[E]

15,000 units were ordered by a certain retailer who I will not name. Tariffs came along. They canceled the order.

[B]

Oh.

[E]

500 stores nationwide was supposed to be featured in.

[A]

That's horrible.

[E]

Now they're sitting in a warehouse in Indiana.

[B]

Well, they're not selling with your whiskey.

[A]

Exactly.

[E]

But they're available 25 shipped on Amazon, which is where they want you to buy it.

[A]

Okay.

[E]

It's a great family gift for the holiday.

[B]

I'm gonna be playing this?

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[E]

Batteries.

[A]

We can make this a drinking game. Let's do it.

[E]

He's part of the show.

[A]

He'd love that.

[E]

Thank you, guys.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Love it. Love you guys. Happy Hanukkah. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. You guys are the best.

[E]

He doesn't mean the Christmas part.

[B]

And Kwanzaa.

[A]

Yes. Celebration of lights.

[C]

Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of p. You know, the beard.

[E]

Close.

[C]

I've had a little too much burping. And Norman's talking about the Post. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like the cops coming. And naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans.

[A]

This woman doesn't look like I remember her.

[C]

And I get down in the same.

[A]

Way.

[C]

We might be.

[B]

And Doug, here we have the Limu Imu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating.

[A]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu.

[C]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching.

[B]

Watching us. Cut the camera.

[A]

They see us.

[E]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Savings Fairy, underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.