Ep 266: Chelsea Handler

Summary

We Might Be Drunk – Ep 266: Chelsea Handler

Date: January 12, 2026
Guests: Chelsea Handler
Hosts: Sam Morril & Mark Normand

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode, NYC comics Mark Normand and Sam Morril share drinks and laughs with iconic comedian, author, and former talk show host Chelsea Handler. The trio dives deep into Chelsea’s adventurous lifestyle, reflections on comedy and TV, her experience at the Critics Choice Awards, her gambling habits, her storied dating history (hello, 50 Cent), her approach to independence, and plenty of candid stories from showbiz and life on the road.

The conversation is peppered with industry insights, personal anecdotes, and uproarious banter, making it a must-listen for comedy enthusiasts and Chelsea fans alike.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Chelsea Handler’s Entrance and Drink Preferences

• Chelsea jokes about being bossy with her drink order—Tanqueray, soda, salt, lots of ice—because she’s heading to Fallon after.
• “I just came from Antarctica, so I was trying to get some more [ice].” (00:10–01:10)

2. Comedy Awards and Monologues

• Chelsea is fresh off hosting the Critics Choice Awards, and the hosts congratulate her on her success.
• Sam praises a specific joke: “I love the Cialis line… the Sean Penn joke. The opener is the most important, and you nailed it.” (01:58)
• Handler confesses she enjoys roasting people at these events and preps with just a couple of rehearsals, preferring not to overthink. (09:45–11:19)

3. Philosophies on Independence and Talk Shows

• Chelsea extols freedom and not being tied down, professionally or personally:

  “My freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one single fucking person about anything I do.” (12:47)

• She’s not interested in returning to traditional talk show hosting:

  “My life is a fucking dream… I can't be tied to a studio five days a week in the same city.” (11:49–12:47)

• Chelsea and the guys discuss the cyclical nature of entertainment, how podcasts have replaced talk shows, and Handler’s role as a launching pad for many comics (Chelsea Lately days). (14:30–16:12)

4. Sports Gambling, Relationships, and Vegas Stories

• Chelsea talks about betting big (“put five grand on this game”) and how gambling helps her pay attention to sports her partner is interested in:

  “I’m dating a guy who's really into gambling or football… and the only way for me to pay attention is to put money on it.” (03:48)

• Her Vegas residency ritual involves giving friends money to gamble so “I don’t force people to gamble with their own money… I never leave without what I started with. Not once has that happened.” (04:29–05:11)

5. On Writing and Comedy Careers

• Chelsea admires David Sedaris, who inspired her essay-format books. She highlights the lack of books written by women about their sexual experiences and why writing her own was groundbreaking:

  “That's what we're all doing in our 20s… for some reason we're not supposed to be talking about it.” (27:28)

• Handler details her wild book deal trajectory:

  “First book deal…I got $35,000. Then my second book, I got $2 million. And I was like, whoa.” (23:46–24:00)

6. Women, Men, and Relationship Dynamics

• The group riffs on the blurriness of gender expectations and dating, with Handler saying:

  “I feel more like a dude than I feel like a woman… I’m looking for good times, casual sex, randoms, travel, adventure…” (28:44–29:07)

• Conversation about Chelsea’s dating history, including exes like 50 Cent and Jo Koy, with fun anecdotes about being “the only one he talks about respectfully.” (32:08)

7. Comedy Origins and Industry Stories

• Chelsea recounts opening for David Tell and Zach Galifianakis—stories of rough sets and being broke, but also the kindness and camaraderie between comics.
• Encourages perseverance:

  “I like to tell that story because...your biggest failures...you never know when something's coming right around the corner.” (40:43–40:51)

• Unique moments like sleeping in Galifianakis’s hotel room and his weird promise:

  “He'd come and whisper in my ear, and he'd go, ‘I will never rape you.’” (39:04)

8. Pet Peeves Segment

• Annoyances include:
  • People being late and arriving with coffee/snacks (47:44)
  • FaceTime calls, unnecessary phone calls, and people who won’t walk into places alone (48:41)
  • No-headphones on planes, picky eaters, and the never-ending lamp vs. overhead light debate:

  “We do not get along with overhead lighting. It’s not a good look…Side lighting is the best.” (50:11)

9. The Adventure in Antarctica

• Handler recounts a whirlwind romance that kicked off with a gambling stranger and her impromptu invite to a psychedelic conference in Antarctica:

  “I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip…he wrote back, ‘I’ll see you in Antarctica,’ and bought himself a ticket…that was a hot move.” (65:04)

• Vivid stories of penguins, MDMA-fueled sights, and losing weight on the trip because of terrible food.

  “Half the people were researching psychedelics, the other half were doing them. And I was part of that group.” (66:02)

10. Touring, Comedy Scenes, and Favorite Cities

• Chelsea’s favorite venues: DC, Boston, Chicago, Seattle, Louisville, and more.
• Talks about appreciating liberal enclaves in red states and running into enthusiastic audiences everywhere. (56:56–59:16)
• Sam discusses taping his next special in Tampa, emphasizing good crowds in unexpected cities. (57:53–58:47)
• They share mutual respect for the New York/LA comedy club scene, party spots, and lament the LA nightlife “never recovering from COVID.” (55:02–55:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I love drinking. I'll have a Tanqueray with a splash of salt, soda. Who's making the drink?” —Chelsea Handler (00:23)

• “Congrats on the People's Choice Awards.”
  “It’s the Critics Choice Award.” —Sam Morril & Chelsea Handler (01:40–01:45)

• On writing a hit book:
  “I'm the only person in my family who's never gone to college, and I have seven New York Times bestsellers, so I like to fucking rub that in their faces.” —Chelsea Handler (22:27)

• On independence and relationships:
  “I'm serious about not relying on another person for anything…and I take having a good time pretty seriously.” —Chelsea Handler (13:23)

• About 50 Cent:
  “He’s not gonna have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream for him. I was a dream.” —Chelsea Handler (32:13)

• Psychedelic Antarctica adventure:
  “This guy…wrote back, 'I'll see you in Antarctica,' and bought himself a ticket, which is like a $50,000 ticket…that was a hot move.” —Chelsea Handler (65:04)

• Comedy wisdom:
  “Your biggest failures…you never know when something's coming right around the corner.” —Chelsea Handler (40:51)

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Timestamps for Major Topics

• 00:10 – Chelsea’s arrival, drink orders, pre-Fallon banter
• 01:40 – Critics Choice Awards congrats, monologue talk
• 03:48 – Chelsea and sports gambling; big Vegas stories
• 09:45 – Prepping for awards monologues & standup vs. event hosting
• 11:49 – Freedom vs. talk shows, Chelsea’s current lifestyle philosophies
• 16:08 – Chelsea Lately as a comic launching pad
• 23:46 – Career-changing book deals, inspiration from David Sedaris
• 27:28 – Writing openly as a woman, book and comedy crossover
• 32:08 – Chelsea’s dating stories, being respected by exes like 50 Cent
• 39:04 – Zach Galifianakis hotel room story
• 47:44 – Pet peeves: lateness, FaceTimes, coffee on the go
• 55:02 – NY vs LA nightlife/bar scene
• 65:04 – Chelsea’s psychedelic adventure in Antarctica
• 66:02 – Penguins, MDMA, and bad food in Antarctica
• 56:56–59:16 – Chelsea’s tour, favorite cities, on-the-road life

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Chelsea’s Tour & Where to Find Her

• Tour: “High and Mighty Tour” starting Feb 13, hitting major US cities (see https://chelseahandler.com for dates)
• Podcast: Dear Chelsea - recently picked up by Netflix.

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Conclusion & Vibe

Chelsea Handler is as unfiltered, sharp, and adventurous as ever. This episode is packed with industry anecdotes, honest takes on work and life, and reminders to embrace independence, risks, and good company.

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For fans of comedy, drinking, and candid conversation, this episode delivers the goods—ice, soda, and a splash of salt included.

Transcript

[Chelsea Handler]

Hi, boys.

[Mark Normand]

Hey. Welcome.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hello. Hello, sir.

[Mark Normand]

Hello. Howdy. Hey, how you doing? Hi. Good.

[Chelsea Handler]

Hi, Mark. Chelsea, how are you? Where do you guys want me?

[Sam Morril]

Right here. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. I love it. That's your mic.

[Chelsea Handler]

Look at that.

[Sam Morril]

Look at that. Yeah. Can we get you something to drink?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, I want to drink.

[Mark Normand]

No pressure, no pressure.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, I want to drink. I love drinking.

[Sam Morril]

Well, drink whatever you drink.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'll have a Tanqueray with a splash of salt, soda. Who's making the drink?

[Mark Normand]

The big man.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, God, I don't know if you're gonna make it. Do you guys have short glasses or only these tall glasses?

[Sam Morril]

Whatever you need.

[Mark Normand]

Whatever you want.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

I got a dreidel sippy cup.

[Chelsea Handler]

I like a short glass. I gotta go to Fallon after this.

[Mark Normand]

So I gotta get.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

He'll be buzzed.

[Chelsea Handler]

So are you a comedian?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, sorry.

[Mark Normand]

No, we met years ago.

[Sam Morril]

Let's start. Let's start. This is all good.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, we did.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, you did some interview with her at an outdoor amphitheater and that's like Santa Barbara.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

San Diego.

[Mark Normand]

San Diego.

[Chelsea Handler]

Were you opening for her?

[Mark Normand]

I was, yeah. That was a wild ride.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I remember that. You guys helicoptered in, right?

[Mark Normand]

That's right. Pre Kobe.

[Chelsea Handler]

You can be generous with the ice. I love ice. I just came from Antarctica, so I was trying to get some more.

[Mark Normand]

Not the border patrol?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, not border patrol, but don't be shy. Fill it up with ice, please. I don't mean to be bossing you around, but I absolutely mean to be.

[Sam Morril]

No, we like it. We like having a boss.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know you guys need some female energy in here. There's too many men, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, well, I'm so excited.

[Mark Normand]

It.

[Chelsea Handler]

Who DM'd me?

[Ad Voice or Guest]

You did.

[Mark Normand]

I've DM'd you before, but not for this.

[Sam Morril]

I was it.

[Chelsea Handler]

You DM'd me? Look at that working itself out. I love when shit works out.

[Sam Morril]

By the way, congrats on the People's Choice Awards.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, four in a row.

[Chelsea Handler]

The Critics Choice Award.

[Sam Morril]

Sorry. We both watched, though.

[Chelsea Handler]

You did?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, the monologue. Why you were coming on.

[Chelsea Handler]

I just figure straight guys don't really watch shows like that.

[Sam Morril]

No, we watched because you were coming on.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thanks.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. But I'm glad I watched. It was funny.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I love the Cialis line. The Sean Pen Jo. The opener is the most important.

[Mark Normand]

Uh huh.

[Ad Voice or Guest]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

And you nailed it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I like those kinds of events. I like to go out and do that stuff. It's fun.

[Mark Normand]

It's a tough time.

[Chelsea Handler]

I look forward to looking these people in the eye and saying, fucking shit, you know? Yeah, it's fun.

[Sam Morril]

Has there ever been one that you regretted where you're like, I'm just gonna send that one.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't really care.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I mean?

[Sam Morril]

Do you have a couple drinks in you when you do it?

[Chelsea Handler]

No. I had probably a sip of a drink.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

Cause I had a bad cough, and so I was trying to suppress it and. Thank you.

[Mark Normand]

No cranberry.

[Chelsea Handler]

Appreciated that. No, just soda. Right? You put a little soda in there. Great.

[Sam Morril]

Love it.

[Mark Normand]

I'll have what she's had.

[Sam Morril]

I'm doing, too.

[Mark Normand]

I would love one, ma'.

[Guest or Producer]

Am.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love those guys.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, cheers.

[Sam Morril]

Cheers.

[Mark Normand]

Mazel tov.

[Sam Morril]

Cheers. Nice to see you. Ooh, that's good. I like that.

[Mark Normand]

Tastes like summer.

[Chelsea Handler]

It is summer, actually, in Antarctica, it's summer right now.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really? There's no comedy over there, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

There is some comedy there.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know if it's worth going for the comedy, but there is comedy. You can find comedy almost anywhere if you look hard enough.

[Mark Normand]

I guess that's true. Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Buffalo 3.

[Sam Morril]

Syracuse is the saddest.

[Mark Normand]

That's the least favorite.

[Chelsea Handler]

Is it sadder than Buffalo?

[Sam Morril]

Definitely. Yes, I think.

[Chelsea Handler]

You think so.

[Mark Normand]

Way worse.

[Sam Morril]

Way higher. Suicide rate, Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

Buffalo is pretty bad.

[Sam Morril]

Look at the jacket he's wearing. You're killing him right here.

[Chelsea Handler]

And then Rochester. What about Rochester?

[Sam Morril]

I like Rochester. Over Syracuse.

[Chelsea Handler]

Over Syracuse.

[Sam Morril]

Definitely.

[Chelsea Handler]

Interesting.

[Sam Morril]

I think Syracuse is where everyone kills himself there, Right. All the writers are there. This brooding energy.

[Chelsea Handler]

What about Cleveland?

[Sam Morril]

I like Cleveland.

[Mark Normand]

Moments.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't.

[Sam Morril]

I think if you have sports teams, you have at least enough of enthusiasm or morale sometimes.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've started betting on sports to gauge, to become. Pique my interest. I'm dating a guy who's really into gambling or football, basketball, gambling. And the only way for me to pay attention is to put money on it.

[Sam Morril]

They should be aimed at these ads, at women. That's a great point.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. So, like, now I'm in. I'm like, let's go. I'm like, put five grand on this game and like.

[Sam Morril]

Five grand.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Yeah. We're up, like 14 grand right now.

[Sam Morril]

Holy shit.

[Chelsea Handler]

We're going to go to the Knicks game tonight. I'm going to bet on that, too.

[Sam Morril]

We're playing the Clippers tonight.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. So I'm going to take the Knicks.

[Sam Morril]

This is a must win for you.

[Chelsea Handler]

Learning about spreads. I'm fucking into it. I mean, as soon as this relationship is over. I won't remember. But I do love to gamble.

[Ad Voice or Guest]

Now.

[Sam Morril]

You might take the gambling with you. It's fun.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love gambling. I love gambling. I love blackjack. When I go to Vegas, I have a residency in Vegas. Whenever I go there, I take everyone who comes to my shows. We all go out after. I give everyone money because I don't want to force people to gamble with their own money. I give them money. We always win. If they lose, I go back and win my own money.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Really?

[Chelsea Handler]

I never leave without what I started with, ever.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

Not once has that happened.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. I've never won once.

[Sam Morril]

I don't leave.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I can't do math. I'm horrible at math.

[Sam Morril]

I get drunk and then I just put it all in one hand, and then I close.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I'm very calibrated. I'm quick. I know what's. I'll split twos against a king if I'm feeling lucky and fucking win. I'm lucky. So when people gamble with me, they usually do win.

[Mark Normand]

What about craps?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't really know. Craps.

[Mark Normand]

Too much roulette and craps.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, I just have to be. I have to have an advisor with me.

[Mark Normand]

Someone else.

[Chelsea Handler]

Another gambler.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Right.

[Sam Morril]

You bring Yamanika out, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I bring Yamanika out.

[Sam Morril]

That's fun.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Well, she's fucking crazy. She's crazy, bipolar.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, all that.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't know what you're gonna get. She was a writer on the Critics Choice Awards.

[Mark Normand]

For me.

[Chelsea Handler]

She was one of my writers. So throughout, we're rehearsing, we're changing the jokes, we're crafting the monologue. And every time she comes into my trailer, it's like, you know, you don't know who the fuck is coming into your trailer. You don't know if she smoked a cigarette, a joint. She's in a good mood. If she's crying, you know, she's a mess.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

And she's. I mean, she's never.

[Sam Morril]

She's not gonna get a lot of more writing work when you're talking about her like this. She's a disaster. She's on drugs.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

She's a drug addict. She's a prostitute.

[Mark Normand]

Nazi, pedophile. Keep going.

[Chelsea Handler]

She's not a n. The one thing she is not is a Nazi.

[Sam Morril]

They're not good writers, I don't think.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, they never have been.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Sam Morril]

Not good stuff. Hitler was. It was all performance.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

The substance wasn't great.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. There wasn't a lot of Substance. But it seemed the idea definitely took.

[Sam Morril]

It took off for sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

It definitely was.

[Sam Morril]

It had Jewish producers.

[Mark Normand]

It felt, like, very persuasive.

[Sam Morril]

No, that's. That was awesome, though. I love the Rob Reiner tribute at the end.

[Mark Normand]

That was nice.

[Sam Morril]

That was awesome.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, thanks. I had spent some time with Rob Reiner and his wife, Michelle Reiner, in the last few months. Like, we had dinner a couple times more than I would normally see them. I mean, I've known them for a long time, but so it was particularly. We had dinner and Obama at a friend's house, and Obama showed up a few months ago last year. And so we kind of have this, like, really funny, crazy night that happened to all of us together. And then I had dinner with them again a few months ago and with Maria Shriver also. And Rob was just kind of like the best guy that there is. He's like Adam Sandler, you know, the nicest guy to everybody and also really, like, a good listener and a lover of, like, family and, you know, just the kind of guy you wanted to be. Your dad.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, I wished he was my dad. My dad was a mess. I would have liked a little Rob.

[Mark Normand]

Reiner in my life, of course.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. And he was run. And. Yes. So talented.

[Mark Normand]

So talented.

[Sam Morril]

Like, that range is insane to make. Like Misery and Princess Bride. That's insane.

[Chelsea Handler]

Just amazing. Did he write that?

[Mark Normand]

No, he directed.

[Sam Morril]

Who wrote it?

[Mark Normand]

That's a hell of a question. We got the Google right here.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

What are we Googling, guys?

[Mark Normand]

Who wrote it?

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, I see. This is how you operate your podcast.

[Sam Morril]

William Goldman.

[Mark Normand]

Is that right? Didn't he write a Lord of the Flies?

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, did he? He's cute.

[Mark Normand]

That can't be right.

[Guest or Producer]

Marathon Man.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, is it safe?

[Sam Morril]

Dustin Hoffman, Baby Princess Bride, Adventures in.

[Guest or Producer]

Screen Trade, I guess.

[Mark Normand]

How about that?

[Sam Morril]

So were you pretty close with Rob?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, I wouldn't say we were really close, but we, like, he's political, I'm political, We communicate a lot about that. We were in a lot of the same chats and group chats and whenever we hung out.

[Ad Voice or Guest]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I had. I've been to their house and had dinners there and. Yeah, I mean, he's a. He's. Yeah. I loved him. I can't even imagine. It's just so horrifying to even think about what happened.

[Mark Normand]

That's crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's so disturbing that that's how he goes out, he and his wife.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, that's how you go. That's your Last. Like those kids that are his other two kids. Like, how do you. How do you even.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Together.

[Mark Normand]

And he brought him to parties. I want to go to Conan's party. What the hell?

[Chelsea Handler]

Get an invite to that. Do you know Conan?

[Mark Normand]

I've done the show, but it's over.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, you obviously didn't make that much of an impression.

[Mark Normand]

I did it eight times.

[Sam Morril]

Mark did one of the greatest things.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's a lot.

[Sam Morril]

The first time Mark did Conan get in with him.

[Guest or Producer]

He.

[Sam Morril]

This was a ballsy ass move. You were super young comedy. Mark killed. And then Conan came over to shake his hand, and Mark grabbed Conan's tie and dapped his forehead with it.

[Chelsea Handler]

And that didn't go over.

[Sam Morril]

It did not go over. No.

[Mark Normand]

He didn't like it.

[Sam Morril]

We loved it at home.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

It was big at home, but.

[Mark Normand]

But, yeah, Maybe that's why I didn't get the invite.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but sweet, man. Big fan. Big fan of the Cone Zone.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you want to. Yeah. Put it out there that you want to get invited. He said, actually, I bet you he's not having another Christmas party after.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good point.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

That was.

[Mark Normand]

I'd kill my dad. It's. Sorry. Well, this will come out in a week.

[Sam Morril]

So what's the process? I mean, how much do you run that set when you're doing that?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

For the Critics Choice.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like two times.

[Sam Morril]

Really? At what, a comedy club or what?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, at rehearsal.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm not one of those people that practices things a lot. I'm not interested. I mean, when I'm on tour, I do my show every night, but when I'm doing the Critics Choice Awards. No, I'm not running around town running that set. I just. We write it, and I run it, like, twice or three times maybe in rehearsal. And then, you know, it changes all the time. Up until the last minute, Leo was not gonna be in the audience. He was on his way. Timothy Chalamet was sick. So we had all these, like, opening bits. You kind of have to be really flexible. And you're like, well, that's not gonna work if Timothy's not in the audience. He was sick, so we didn't know when he was gonna.

[Sam Morril]

Kim, I know you have Covid, but I got a really good opener about it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, can you get in here? And then Leo was, you know, on his way, and he was gonna be in the audience. So then, like, let's just focus on Leo. Let's do that bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

So we did that. But, yeah, no, those things are just fun. And I like setting the tone for things. Like, I like walking out on stage, kind of like, you know, when you're doing a show, stand up.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

I like coming out on stage and being like, this is the vibe. This is what we're doing. Let's bring it up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And everybody, like, set the tone for everybody to follow the tone.

[Mark Normand]

You got to tell Jo Koy how to do this.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jo Koy's got a different tone.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. That's true. But, yeah, it was a great set. You just look so poised. You have no fear in your face. No nerves or anything.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, well, thank you.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know how you do it. I would have to run it over and over.

[Chelsea Handler]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, yeah. We did a thing for Netflix where we just roasted the year, and we ran it to death.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, really?

[Sam Morril]

We did, like, a few a night because we did it together, and we just were playing off each other, and we did a few a night.

[Mark Normand]

It was tweaking and always rewriting and changing it.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, I think it's probably from years of doing my talk shows and writing monologues every day that you just kind of get in the zone of monologue writing. So it's not like a feat. It's like, oh, I can write a monologue. That's the easiest thing for me to write, like, a comprehensive look at all the movies and what's nominated to me. I can take in information and regurgitate it pretty well. So that's a strength that I do have that I am good at. So, yeah, I don't overthink shit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Do you think about doing a talk show again? Was that something you want? No, no.

[Chelsea Handler]

My life is a fucking dream. I mean, there have been moments where the opportunities seem to present themselves or possible opportunities, and I just can't be tied to a studio for five days a In the same city. I would be. You know, I always say I'm open to talking about it, but I don't know. I'm a. I like to. I'm a wanderlust. I like to bounce around the world. We talked about this when you were on my podcast because you said you don't really like to travel.

[Sam Morril]

No, I like to travel, but I'm so burnt out from touring that I'm usually like, I just want to stay in New York for a while.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to just. I don't like to sit still for long. Like, I go to Whistler I'm going to Whistler tomorrow. I have a ski place there. I spend my winters there. I have a nice little, like, you know, ski vibe going up there. And then. Why am I talking about this?

[Mark Normand]

Because you can do a show.

[Sam Morril]

Good listeners, by the way.

[Chelsea Handler]

I have so much. Yeah, good. Good job, guys. Good job.

[Mark Normand]

Married.

[Chelsea Handler]

I have so much freedom. My life is so free, and I feel so very. I feel like it is the most valuable thing that no one tells you about when you're growing up. Like, how to remain free.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

And my freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one single fucking person about anything. I do.

[Mark Normand]

I gotta get a divor. No, I'm just kidding.

[Chelsea Handler]

I get to get a divorce. Amy's getting one.

[Sam Morril]

We got to run it back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, let's do it. But all right. I like that because, you know, people always say, would you ever do snl? And I'm like, that's a job. I'm a comic. I get to fuck around, write jokes, go on the road. It's great. I'm in a hotel room all day.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I like, as a woman also, like, there's a. I have a sense of real, like, fierce independence. Like, I'm very serious about not relying on another person for anything. And so I like the way that I've kind of created my life, and I take it pretty serious. Like, I take having a good time pretty seriously. I work my ass off, but when I'm not working, I'm having a really good time.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I think that that is really, like, a really valuable something I like to impart to a women because, you know, we try so hard sometimes, and you don't have to take things so seriously.

[Mark Normand]

Hear, hear.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. I mean, we have a drinking podcast. We try not to take anything seriously. I mean, we'll complain about coming. We'll complain about coming to work. And then they're like, what are you doing for work? We're, like, getting drunk with my friend in the afternoon. Comedians talking hard. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Telling jokes. It's a good time.

[Sam Morril]

I heard you talk in one of the other monologues about how you were one of the first female talk show hosts, and now there's no female talk show hosts. Is there anyone you look at if you don't want to do it? You're like, she should have a talk show.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know. Talk shows don't seem to be.

[Mark Normand]

They're dying out.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's still not the thing right now.

[Sam Morril]

I think they need to revamp it, though.

[Chelsea Handler]

They need to re. Yeah, the Chelsea Lately style format would be great for somebody to do. I'm not interested in that. I would love for somebody to do it that's at least exciting. And you have, like, voices and comedians with different perspectives coming together and it's entertaining. So that's a nice. That's a nice, like, kind of format. But the talk show as it exists now, I mean, I think we're all kind of wrapped up. You know what I mean? No one's blowing us, like, away.

[Mark Normand]

That's why we're on a podcast. I mean.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, we're. Yeah. I mean, Netflix just bought my podcast.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Chelsea Handler]

To put on Netflix. Like, our podcasts are turning into the talk shows that weren't supposed to be on camera.

[Mark Normand]

Hear, hear.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, it's just like a. Like a circular drain.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Well, you know what's weird is like when they had silent movies, the logical next step was talking movies.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

This is not a logical next step. It's like we went backwards.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's like when the phones get. They start out small and then they get bigger and bigger. And then you're knocking on the phone on a fucking iPad and you're like, I thought we were having a flip phone. What happened? Everything is very cyclical. It just goes around and around and around. It's like, like, you know, like abc, NBC, cbs.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Then all this cable, and now they're all amalgamating and it's going to be three networks again.

[Mark Normand]

Boy, that's crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

It kind of all just kind of comes back to the basic. It stills back down to what it started as.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Like, I listen to podcasts all day. It's just radio. I'm just back on radio, so. That's true. But that show of yours, people don't give it. It's due. It broke a ton of people. I was a young comic. I got to open for Sarah Colonna and all these comics. Natasha Leggero, because of your show. They all got a pop from that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know where they're. Half of them are now, but they had a hell of a run.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, they did. They did.

[Mark Normand]

And that was.

[Sam Morril]

That started so nice and now you just insulted a bunch.

[Mark Normand]

Well, no, Fortune Feast. Just doing great. Bobby Lee's doing the best.

[Chelsea Handler]

Bobby Lee's doing great. Who else was on that show? Lots of people. Kevin. Yeah. Kevin Hart. Joe Boy. Whitney Spears.

[Mark Normand]

Whitney Spears.

[Chelsea Handler]

Whitney. What's Whitney's go.

[Mark Normand]

Cummings.

[Chelsea Handler]

Cummings, yeah. Whitney.

[Sam Morril]

Whitney Spears. Both dance with knives.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Has either one of you ever had sex with Whitney Cummings?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no.

[Sam Morril]

We both try, but no, long enough.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, she's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

She's crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

That would end badly.

[Mark Normand]

I tried. She gave me so many pills, I passed out. Couldn't get through it. But we've had her on here. She's fun.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, Whitney's a good time.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But yeah, for all those people, that show is a launching pad. There was always a launching pad show, and that was one of them.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, you made a lot of careers, a lot of comics careers. I think Josh Wolfe said he didn't really do stand up right before. I mean. Or may he didn't do it hard. I mean, a bunch of people we talked to, like, they were like, oh, shit, I gotta get good at stand up. Cause I'm on Chelsea's show.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Sam Morril]

You know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah. Cause it was a nice little, like, feeder for. Yeah, you could go and get. Yeah, it was a great show. It was a great time. It was seven years and then I was like, fuck this seven year itch. I can't really commit to things for like longer than seven years. Seven years is pretty much the. There's a reason why they say, like the seven year itch for work, for relationships, like. Like seven years is pretty much. Is like pushing the limit of something. Everyone needs a break.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. No, I agree. You got something there.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I don't want to commit to anything for more than a couple of years at most. And the show, I don't like that kind of long term.

[Mark Normand]

The show is a hit, so why bring. You know, it's like asking Seinfeld do another sitcom. You know, it's. You did it, right? It's over.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it's over. It's over a lot. Yeah. A lot of nostalgia. So that's nice though.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Would you do a talk show if you got offered?

[Sam Morril]

I mean, we're kind of. We kind of do one, as she said. I guess it's true. It's not like if you want a NBC type show, I don't know, I mean, like. Yeah, I like jokes. So I like, like the Weekend Update type thing. I like that type of thing.

[Chelsea Handler]

I like Bill Maher, even though I don't like Bill Maher. I like the show.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

Really watching that. I like that format. I like that, you know, it's a great format because that's a great. You're getting a great interview at the top, you're getting a great debate at the table and then he does his new rules and that's.

[Sam Morril]

And his writers are very good.

[Chelsea Handler]

The writers are great. And he's really smart and he could go back and forth and argue and he's not a pussy about it, you know, So I appreciate that show a lot. Yeah, I like that format cable.

[Sam Morril]

But you know, that in a sense is like a structured podcast more than a talk show. You know, it's. It's uncensored. There's no breaks.

[Guest or Producer]

I mean, it's.

[Sam Morril]

It doesn't feel like. I mean, even this has ad breaks.

[Mark Normand]

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[Sam Morril]

Yeah, this is pro linebacker TJ Watt. And I'm back with YPB by Abercrombie for another activewear drop. My second co design collection has new shorts and tanks that keep up with all my in season workouts. And their new Restore collection is a game changer off the field too, because even pro athletes like me need rest days. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores because your personal best is greater than anything.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, such a clutch off season pickup, Dave.

[Sam Morril]

I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Lines.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install. No, it's easy. Installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install hall of Fame, son. They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat. Visit blinds.com now for up to 45%.

[Mark Normand]

Off site wide, plus a free professional measure.

[Sam Morril]

Rules and restrictions apply.

[Mark Normand]

That's true, but we don't have those annoying applause breaks. He gets an applause break every sentence. Like, all right, he's okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

So love when comics stand on stage and laugh at their own jokes. Jokes. He does a lot of.

[Sam Morril]

He didn't write half of them, probably. So he's like, this is the first time I'm hearing this.

[Mark Normand]

This is killer.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, maybe that's funny, but I don't love that. I don't love when people are, like, at their own. It's like, really? What are you laughing at?

[Mark Normand]

So you don't like a Chappelle?

[Chelsea Handler]

Is he laughing? I haven't seen that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I think it's a nervous. It's a nervous thing.

[Chelsea Handler]

You think Chappelle's nervous?

[Sam Morril]

No, but I think. But I think it's. Yeah, maybe performance. It's a tick. Yeah. No, I don't think he's nervous, but.

[Chelsea Handler]

I think it's like when I'm on stage to perform, you touch your lip.

[Mark Normand]

I've seen that a lot.

[Chelsea Handler]

You saw that once.

[Mark Normand]

Once.

[Chelsea Handler]

Something was on my lip.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. It's interesting. You wrote, like, a bunch of books. I read. I read the Horizontal Life one. It's hilarious.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, you did?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's very funny.

[Chelsea Handler]

That was about all my one night stand.

[Sam Morril]

It's a funny book.

[Mark Normand]

My wife is a stack of those books. Yeah. Big fan. I love that.

[Sam Morril]

How hard is that? To just sit down and do. How long does that take you?

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, it depends on where you are in your life. I mean, I've written a lot of books. It's kind of crazy. I mean, I'm the only person in my family who's never gone to college, and I have seven New York Times bestsellers, so I like to fucking rub that in their faces.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

My brothers and sisters, there's six of us and I'm the youngest, so that was nice. I mean, it's kind of crazy when I hear it, you know? And it's like, oh, you've written seven books and. But it's. It's a good. It's a good way to work your brain out. I mean, I'm all about, like, There's a lot of crossover with stand up in my books.

[Mark Normand]

Right. There's a lot of like, put some act in there.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I put a lot in my stand up. Or I'll take stuff from my books and be like, I've never done this on stage. I'll tell this story on stage. But yeah, I'm impressed with myself when I'm looking at this screen, I'm like, whoa, that is cool.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know how you did it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Good for you. The first book deal I ever got, I got 35. Everyone said no. Everyone said no. They're like this.

[Sam Morril]

And you pitch it as my one night stand.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Horizontal Life. A collection of one night stands. It was like 10 chapters about 10 different one night stands. And then everyone said no. They all passed. And then I got an offer from Bloomsbury, this UK publisher. They paid me $35,000 for my first book. That's what I got. Paid $35,000. Then they sold it in like 211 countries or something crazy. And so I got all this money coming in from like these Frankfurt book fairs and da, da, da. And I was like, this is amazing. Maybe I'll just be an author.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Chelsea Handler]

And every author's like, don't be an author. It's fucking a nightmare. But that was what I got for book was $35,000. And then my second book, I got $2 million.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, shit.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I was like, whoa.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

Holy shit.

[Sam Morril]

That's a nice jump.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

Holy shit.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know. So that was really cool.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. And then sometimes, you know when you have a huge book hit, you just. You get these residuals every year and you're like, you get checks for like amounts of money you can't even imagine seeing really. And that just show up and you have no idea. So it's a great way to make a living. So whoever told me not to do that was an idiot.

[Mark Normand]

That's incredible.

[Sam Morril]

But it so rare, like writing a hit book.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I don't feel like people don't read.

[Mark Normand]

Like Hitler wrote a book.

[Sam Morril]

He wrote a big one.

[Mark Normand]

He's got a big one.

[Chelsea Handler]

That was a beautiful book.

[Mark Normand]

Still selling? Yeah, it is quite well, actually.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's funny that they haven't banned that book.

[Sam Morril]

You're right. They're banning mouse, but not that.

[Mark Normand]

What the things are off? No, we have Nick Fuentes on next, but. Yeah, no, I have a. I have a baby now and I'm reading all these kids books.

[Chelsea Handler]

How did you get a baby?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. Jizzing A lady.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, my God. How many babies do you have?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, just one.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, that's too many.

[Mark Normand]

He's at a Somali daycare right now. No, but he. We have all these kids books, and they're so stupid. It's like the cat.

[Sam Morril]

I got you a couple of them, too.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you. Yeah, but it's like the cat went, meow. That's one page. Second page, like, the clock goes tick. And you're like, boy, this is a short book. Yeah. You're like, this guy's probably a zillionaire. Good night, Moon. That book's in every house in America.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, that's a good book.

[Mark Normand]

That's good.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, I'm still confused about where the moon and the sun are, but I agree. I mean, it didn't really lay anything out for me. Some holes in it, but the moon is subject matter.

[Sam Morril]

It's the rhythm, really. It's like.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's a constant.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a lullaby almost.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes. We do it before he falls asleep. He loves the book. But I don't get it. Cow jumps over the moon. That's a whole page. It's insane.

[Sam Morril]

Sounds like a sort of a Seinfeld bed.

[Mark Normand]

Well, see, that's a real book, though.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know what she's having.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's right.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Were there any authors here? Like, this is who I want to like. David Sedaris. I figured you'd say, yeah, he's so funny.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. I mean, I read his. I didn't realize, like, that you could write books that didn't connect to anything, that you could just write disparate chapters about whatever and have, like. So when I read David, like, I read Barrel Fever or, you know, naked or one of those at first, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Mark Normand]

This is.

[Chelsea Handler]

I could do this. This is what I want to do, is, like, write just 10 short stories and put them together like a book of essays. And as soon as I realized that you could do that and there's a formula for that, then I was like, oh, okay. So that's how. My first book. I mean, I've told David this. When I've seen him. I'm like, you're responsible for my writing career. He's like, I don't want that respons. But, yeah, he's. That's gotta be. That was like the first book. Barrel Fever was like, the first book that I had read where I just was fucking laughing out loud. Like, you know when you laugh out loud reading a book, like, that's not very common.

[Sam Morril]

No.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Chelsea Handler]

So that was fun. And I loved that feeling that it invoked and evoked. I was like, this is cool. If I can make people, like, howl like this with my storytelling, then I would. That's exactly what I'm after.

[Mark Normand]

Totally, totally.

[Chelsea Handler]

And in the beginning of my career, it was very about the funny, funny, funny, funny. As I got older, it became more, you know, like, colorful and more evolved and, like, there was more depth. But in the beginning, it was just jokes. You know, I wanted people to laugh and make people laugh. So that was a great. It was great for me to be able to, like, use his template and make something totally.

[Mark Normand]

And I don't think there's a ton of books by women about, here's all the guys I fucked. That's why my wife was like, this is so cool. I've never read this shit before.

[Chelsea Handler]

I know.

[Sam Morril]

And that's where I read it. I was like, I've never heard a woman talk like this. I was kind of like, this is cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's what we're all doing in our 20s. I mean, not all of us, but most of us, we're fucking guys. You know what I mean? Just, like, guys are fucking women, and then for some reason, we're not supposed to be talking about it.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, why not?

[Mark Normand]

I know. I agree.

[Chelsea Handler]

I want to talk about that stuff.

[Mark Normand]

Bring it on. And we want to hear it, because women are in the dark usually by that. So I'm like, let's. Let's get it out.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

I feel like I was reading the other team's playbook. This is cool.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Because we don't know what the hell's going on. So we want to. We want to hear your thoughts.

[Chelsea Handler]

You definitely don't know what's going on.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I feel bad for guys. You guys don't know what's going on.

[Mark Normand]

Clueless.

[Chelsea Handler]

What do you think is going on?

[Sam Morril]

I just know it's bad.

[Mark Normand]

It's a big question.

[Sam Morril]

That's all I know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I don't know what's going on in that head, but we want to know. But then women get mad if you don't know. It's tough.

[Chelsea Handler]

It is hard. It must be hard for men because it's confusing. It's confusing. You're being told a lot of things, and you don't know which. What's right, what's wrong. You don't want to fuck up, but you can't help yourself.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And it's hard being a straight white guy. If you're sensitive and you feel like you're constantly being attacked by the female.

[Mark Normand]

Race or sex, I'm okay with that.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I'm used to that. Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, that's good. That's a good attitude.

[Mark Normand]

But it's just tough because, you know, I think we go, women do this, or women are like that, but women are nuanced and different and complex, you know?

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, I feel like more like a dude than I feel like a woman. Even though I'm a woman.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I mean? I'm a woman, but my tendency is men. I want. I'm more like a guy. I'm not interested in the things that most girls are interested.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, exactly.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm not looking for, you know, jewelry and boyfriends and that. I'm looking for, like, good times.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Casual sex. Randoms.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Chelsea Handler]

Travel, adventure. I'm like, you know, I'm like a thrill seeker.

[Mark Normand]

So it's too bad you're taken. I feel there's a real.

[Chelsea Handler]

There's something here between Sam and me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, you feel chemistry with us.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Well, he likes blonde. He likes.

[Chelsea Handler]

Do you like blondes?

[Sam Morril]

I do. Do I? I guess I date a lot of blondes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I only know about Taylor Tomlinson. That you dated.

[Sam Morril]

I don't want to say the names of the others.

[Ad Voice or Guest]

Why not?

[Sam Morril]

I don't want to.

[Chelsea Handler]

Why? Nikki Glazer.

[Sam Morril]

No, I didn't.

[Chelsea Handler]

Who else is blonde? Amy Schumer.

[Sam Morril]

No. Other comics? No, no, no.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, okay. Any other comics?

[Mark Normand]

You dated Judy Gold for a minute?

[Sam Morril]

I. Judy Gold. Judy Gold, many times. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, when was this?

[Mark Normand]

88.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

88. 88. I was two years old. It was. I used a strap on the. My dick wouldn't work yet, but I turned her.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

She was like, this isn't working for me.

[Chelsea Handler]

You turned her into a comic. That's what you turned her into.

[Mark Normand]

She was like.

[Chelsea Handler]

She didn't do comedy before that, Right?

[Mark Normand]

Thanks a lot, Sam.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, But I feel like you spend your money on, like, memories and stuff, which is cool. Like, experiences and not super. Like, you're not. Doesn't seem, like, mature.

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, I like nice things.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

But I'm also. Yeah, no, I like a nice, comfortable lifestyle, but I'm also not serious about, you know, marriage, children and all that stuff. That's never been in my purview. I'm not interested.

[Mark Normand]

To me, that's just log.

[Chelsea Handler]

Want to be untethered.

[Mark Normand]

I love this.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, I don't want to check in with anyone. About what I'm up to.

[Mark Normand]

Hear, hear. You're speaking my language, sister.

[Sam Morril]

No, I get. Do you feel smothered easily in a relationship? I totally sense that, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Do you, do you know what I'm saying?

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, do you feel smothered when you.

[Sam Morril]

Yes, of course. Anything. I also, yeah. If they start doing stuff in my apartment, I start to be like, oh, this is making me crazy. Like, I had a girl over and she just put one of my sweatshirts in the dirty laundry bin. And it wasn't dirty.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, just a little thing colonizing.

[Sam Morril]

Another thing that I'll give you another peeve was I had a girl over and we, we had dinner pretty late and she's like, let's get into bed. And I was like, no, what is this, my 600 pound life? I don't want to get in a fucking bed. We just ate. I want to like sit up for a while.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. And digest.

[Sam Morril]

It annoyed me. I don't want to.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's really funny. That is not a thing on my radar. But I've heard like three people say similar things to what you just said in the last couple of months going, I can't fuck you when I'm this full. Full fucking.

[Sam Morril]

You know, she meant getting to bed to go to sleep. She didn't even mean to fall.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Sam Morril]

I could have figured out sex that bloated. It would have been awful, but I would have done it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, right, right. You can't go to sleep full. Yeah, sometimes I need like a half a bagel to go to sleep. Like if I wake up at four in the morning and I'm like, I'm like, I have to have a bite of something so I can go back to sleep.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I eat in the middle of the night a lot. I eat a lot. I have to eat very frequently. I don't eat a lot, but I eat, eat often.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but you've had some fun relationship. How is. Fitty is having a hell of a moment.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love what he's doing at Titty.

[Mark Normand]

He's killing.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love what Fitty's doing. A Diddy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's relentless. Fitty's great. He's great. Probably revisit that.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, People like that a lot.

[Sam Morril]

I bet a lot of his exes are like, we should run it back. That was pretty cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, he would. I'm the only one he doesn't ever talk about.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Apparently the whole like. Yeah. Because I did. I heard somebody was Saying that he talks about all of his exes, and I'm one of the only ones he talks about respectfully. And I was like, he's not gonna have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream for him. I was a dream.

[Sam Morril]

You didn't ask for anything out of him?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, no, no.

[Sam Morril]

If anything, you may be the first person that felt smothered by 50 Cent.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know what I didn't like about 50 Cent is he doesn't do drugs, and I do drugs. And so it was very shocking to find out that. What's this from?

[Guest or Producer]

He's in the new Street Fighter movie.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, is he?

[Guest or Producer]

He's playing this character here.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's funny how he. Look, look. Yeah, look at him. He's. Yeah, he's gotten bigger, tough look. But he. To my house with, like, different cars. When we were dating, I had this house on Mandeville Canyon, and he would get, like, a Ferrari or get, like a Rolls Royce for the day. It's like a borrow from these dealerships. And he would show up at my house in a different fucking souped up car all the time. And I didn't understand how that was working. And then I found out that he just goes and he's like, 50 Cent. And he's like, hey, I'm gonna borrow this Rolls Royce for the week or whatever, or for the day. Give it to me for a test drive. So then one day I went and I was like, all right, I'm gonna fuck with him. And I went and got a chocolate Bentley. And I was like, all right. But I bought it. I didn't know you could borrow it. Bought a Bentley.

[Mark Normand]

What's a half a mil?

[Chelsea Handler]

And then we broke up. So I'm driving around in a chocolate Bentley with, like, cream leather seats for, like, four years, like a dick. You know, like this blonde go driving back and forth to the studio in my Bentley.

[Sam Morril]

That's a story, though.

[Chelsea Handler]

Car is. But the car was so gorgeous. But it's like a $350,000 car. It's absolutely unnecessary.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

Chocolate, too. Yeah. So that was fun. I got. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And chocolate.

[Chelsea Handler]

So I got it as a joke, and then I was like, well, I guess I. I guess I'm stuck with this car.

[Mark Normand]

Damn, that is hilar.

[Sam Morril]

So he just pulls up and was like, can I have this car for two weeks? And they just give him a car.

[Chelsea Handler]

Or you're a loner, like, for a day or two. He's like, oh, I want to try this yellow Ferrari.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. That's how we do like with jackets. He's just doing that with cars. Like I want to mix it up. Damn, that's pretty badass.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I have a fun dating history. I date a lot of fun people.

[Sam Morril]

50 Cent.

[Chelsea Handler]

50 Cent, that's a little big. I got a guy now that's coming in. He's flying in right now to meet me. We're going to go to the Knicks game tonight. I have Fallon after this.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Gonna go do Fallon. He's gonna show up at Fallon. We're gonna. The Knicks game. We're gonna bet money on that game. We're gonna see pro, I'm assuming.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, baby.

[Chelsea Handler]

My sister's gonna join us and then I'm gonna go have sex with him in my hotel room and then I'm gonna fly to Whistler tomorrow. So, I mean, things are good.

[Mark Normand]

Life. This is your life.

[Sam Morril]

I do. I go to a lot of Knicks games.

[Mark Normand]

No commitment.

[Chelsea Handler]

Do you go to a lot of game? Are you going tonight to the next game?

[Sam Morril]

No, I went on Christmas. That was an awesome one.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, that's.

[Sam Morril]

They're on a four game losing skid.

[Chelsea Handler]

Right now, but they're going to change it tonight.

[Sam Morril]

They're going to win tonight.

[Guest or Producer]

Watch.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, this is the game. They need it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, they're playing the. They're playing the Clippers. Right?

[Mark Normand]

The Clippers, is it.

[Sam Morril]

He's a Clippers fan back there. The Clippers, are they good? No, they have good players.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, look at this guy I dated, Ted Harbert. Oh my God, that's embarrassing.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know Harbor.

[Chelsea Handler]

He had. He used to run the E. Network when I was there and then we broke up.

[Mark Normand]

Awkward.

[Chelsea Handler]

While I was, you know, he was my boss. That was really.

[Sam Morril]

How does that. What do you do in that situation?

[Chelsea Handler]

I just had to move out. That was the animal trainer I dated dates. He was. He was what?

[Mark Normand]

A man. Can you put me in a cage?

[Sam Morril]

Good looking dude.

[Mark Normand]

Like Canadian.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, he was Canadian.

[Mark Normand]

That's no good.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's like I don't have a type.

[Sam Morril]

You guys, you're all over the map. This is cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

This is. Oh yeah, there's Andre Balage. He looks real up.

[Sam Morril]

Other than 50, you kind of have a type though.

[Chelsea Handler]

What's the type?

[Sam Morril]

This is a hunk, kind of like handsome older dude. I don't know, dapper.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, now I'm going younger. The guy I'm dating now is 36. I had to flip it and reverse it cuz now I'm 50. So I have to like, you know, go in the Opposite direction.

[Sam Morril]

Okay. You don't have a type. I take it back.

[Mark Normand]

Take it all back.

[Sam Morril]

You definitely don't have a type. Jeez, that was a curveball right there.

[Mark Normand]

No one saw that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, Joe Coy is a curveball. Are you guys friends with Joe Coy?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Sweetest man on the planet.

[Sam Morril]

I don't think I've ever met him.

[Chelsea Handler]

Shut up.

[Sam Morril]

I know, I know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Is that possible, Sam?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know. We've never crossed paths.

[Mark Normand]

He's a two hand. Hello, how are you? He's one of those guys. He's all heart.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. He is a sweet. He's a sweet guy.

[Mark Normand]

And I think one of the top grossing comedians last year. He's in the top 10. He does very well.

[Guest or Producer]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

He's got a plaque at the Irvine Improv. Most shows sold. I think it was 31.

[Sam Morril]

Holy. Would want to be an Irvine for 31 shows.

[Chelsea Handler]

Joe Koi.

[Sam Morril]

That's crazy. It's a great club. I love that.

[Chelsea Handler]

I do like that. I like to warm up my shows when I'm doing a new hour. I like to go to the Irvine Improv. That's a fun club. Brea Improv 2 is fun.

[Mark Normand]

I'm there in a week.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you know what else I like? Zany's Nashville. That's a fun class. Zanies, they're just, I always said, you know. Oh, wow. $20 million.

[Mark Normand]

Might have to give him a call.

[Chelsea Handler]

Sebastian Moniscalico. $42 million. Is this for last year?

[Sam Morril]

20.

[Mark Normand]

25, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

It's only a few shows. It's like It'll do like 60 shows in a year and make that much money.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, there's nikki on there. $19.5 million.

[Mark Normand]

I just sent her jokes for the gold Golden Globes. Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah, she's got that this weekend.

[Mark Normand]

Second time, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

No, she killed it. I thought.

[Mark Normand]

I thought she killed it. Wow, look at that. Nate Bargazzi, man. Clean comedy. That's the way to go. Seems too late for us, dude. Yeah, you're right.

[Sam Morril]

We missed that boat.

[Mark Normand]

20 minutes on pedos.

[Chelsea Handler]

Ah, that's funny.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. All right. Sorry.

[Sam Morril]

I remember seeing you at Caroline's way back in the day, open for a tell. And I was like, she's funny. It was you and Big J Och. And it was a good show. I was like, this is pretty cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, Davis. I mean, that was like the first. One of the first gigs I ever did was the San Francisco punchline.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I was open. Zach Elifianakis was the Middle. And David Tell was the headliner.

[Sam Morril]

Holy shit.

[Chelsea Handler]

Talk about a week of. It was so. And I was very green and new, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I was doing terribly. And they were so good to me and so nice to me, and I had so. I was so broke. That Zach Elephant. Did I tell you this story when you did my podcast? Zach Alifanakis, he was staying at the Commodore Hotel because that's where they would put us up. Or the real acts. You know, when you're opener, you're not get bidding. Put up anywhere. You're making fucking $50 a night or something. I went to the Improv the other day in LA and they gave me a check for $1,000. Or the comedy Store, they gave me a check for a thousand dollars for my set. I'm like, what? What is this? And they're like, that's how much you get paid now? I'm like, a thousand dollars. I'm like, I got paid $10.

[Sam Morril]

This isn't happening in New York right now.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's not.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

I went to the improv, I made 500, and at the Comedy Store, they gave Thousand dollars. That's cash.

[Sam Morril]

Cash.

[Chelsea Handler]

They handed me cash. Yeah. I think I turned around and just gave it straight to the waitress because I was like, this is unexpected. Anyway, I was. Oh. So we were at the Commodore Hotel, and I couldn't really afford. You know, I was broke and. And Zach's like, you know, you can sleep. I was sleeping. Crashing at someone's house. And he goes, you could sleep in my hotel room if you want. I won't. I won't do anything. And I was like, you know, Zach's very not threatening. And I was like, okay. So I'd sleep, and then every night we. I'd get in bed and he'd sleep, and I'd be like, okay. You know, and he would go. And he'd come and whisper in my ear, and he'd go, I will never rape you.

[Sam Morril]

That's really funny.

[Mark Normand]

That's comedy.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Zach was a sweetheart. He was a real sweet.

[Sam Morril]

That line's all about the delivery, too. You really gotta.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And Zach is just. Zach is one of the funniest people of all time. I remember when I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival for the first time. Time. And I bombed so badly, I ate shit. And I was like the it girl. And everyone was there to see me, and it was like, huge stakes for me. And I was like, in my. I was 28 or something. I was so nervous and I get up and I ate it, you know, just green. Like, started doing it really fast and didn't get the response I wanted and just started panicking. And Zach, I got off stage and everyone in the industry, it was like standing room only. That was my shot. And they were like, you know, she's. This is that girl. This is way too premature. She's not ready.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I get off stage and Zach walks me back to my hotel room and he's like, you're gonna want to be alone now. He's like, there's nothing I can do to help you. You're just gonna have to sit here and deal with this.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Chelsea Handler]

And yeah. And I was like, okay, thank you for that great advice. And then I ended up going back to la. And there was one executive that didn't see me perform. Her name was Grace Wu from NBC. She still works at Peacock, and she wanted to see my set. And I did it at Luna park on a Tuesday night in LA and crushed it. And I got my first development deal at NBC for my own show. But it was literally 72 hours after, like the worst failure of my professional life. And I thought it was over, over. And I'm like, obviously I can't be a comic. Everyone thinks I suck now.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

And there was one person, and I like to tell that story because that's crazy. People to know, you know, you never know when something's coming right around the corner.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Your biggest failures.

[Mark Normand]

Yes. That's rare.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's crazy happen that you're not expecting.

[Mark Normand]

How about that happy ending?

[Ad Voice or Guest]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Did you have any big failures?

[Sam Morril]

Many.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Horrible shows. I remember Broadway Comedy club. This one sticks in my mind. A guy spat on me while I was on stage. Felt pretty rough.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, that is rough.

[Sam Morril]

It sucks when you hear the. And you're like, that's gonna end badly for me.

[Mark Normand]

I was drinking a lot at the time. Yeah, we've all had though. I've bombed on the Conan's or the late nights before.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. There's so many. Oh, yeah. My first Conan. I like the jokes. I don't like the set. Some of those late night.

[Chelsea Handler]

How do you like the jokes and not like the set?

[Sam Morril]

Cause I'd run the jokes and I liked them. I just thought they were just so tight. Sometimes the crowd's just tight. Oh, you know, it's five o' clock in Burbank.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's not like I just remember, you know what I remember about, like the first. I would Ever do, like, Jay Leno? I was a correspondent for Jay for a few times, and then they had me do standup. And that level of nervousness, from the beginning of our careers, I almost miss that level of scared.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, I. That is an electrifying feeling. It's not welcome, necessarily. You don't love it, but it's. It really means you're in it. Like, sometimes I want. I wish I could feel that scare.

[Sam Morril]

It means you're in it, but it also means that you might be not equipped yet to handle this moment. Cause I remember I did a roast at the Friars Club when I was, like, 21, and I bombed so fucking hard. It was for Omarosa from the Apprentice, and, oh, my God, did I bomb? And Paul Mooney's the roastmaster, and he bombed, too. And he gave me the worst intro ever. I ate it. The intro was like. I had no credit. So I think my intro was like, this comedian likes Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks and Richard Prince Prior. I knew all of them. They're all dead. Sam Morrell. I was like, all right. It panned to me being like. Like, panicking bombed. And I remember Rich Voss going on after me, and he bombed his first line.

[Chelsea Handler]

He goes, rich Voss still alive?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, he is. He is. Barely. But he. His first line was, he bombed. Whatever he said. And then he goes, if you guys don't laugh, I'm bringing Sam back up.

[Mark Normand]

And that crushed.

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, ooh. That was that moment. I was like, ooh. I was like, should I not do this? This is. That was one of those for sure.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. That's a good line.

[Sam Morril]

It was. I. I had to give it to him.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Damn. I don't know.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've never done a roast. I feel like that's just because it's like a hat on a hat. I mean, all I do is roast people. I'm not even intentionally trying to roast people, but they feel roasted by me. So for me to formally roast people, it would be like another level of roasting.

[Sam Morril]

Right?

[Chelsea Handler]

It would be like. It's almost like Hitler esque. Anyone really need that?

[Sam Morril]

You did roast people.

[Chelsea Handler]

Does anyone need. Really. Whoopsie doodle.

[Mark Normand]

I gotta ask. When you were at the SF Punchline, was Dave still drinking then?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, boy.

[Chelsea Handler]

He was crazy. Yeah, he. Yeah, he was on the tail end of his drinking, and it was clear that he was not going to be able to continue that. But Jeff Wills, you know Jeff Wills.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, sure. A lot of shows.

[Chelsea Handler]

Those were the days where Jeff Wills ran, like, San Francisco and Cobbs, and then they bought Cobbs. So that was, like, San Francisco's a really fun town for me. Like, I love that. And my sister lives there. I'm always. I like that for comedy. I like doing shows there. And Jeff Wills. And I, like. I remember, like, he was there that week was Zach, and now he runs Live Nation. So, you know, he's. It's a different situation. But I've known him for so long, and we were just all. So we just would just get shithoused every single night.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's the first time I slept with a comedian. Was in. Oh, yeah. This is who I slept with.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Chelsea Handler]

I opened for Tom Rhodes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, whoa.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I had sex with sexy guy.

[Sam Morril]

Yes.

[Chelsea Handler]

And he had this great joke about a penguin and penguins recognizing each other. You know, they're monogamous penguins.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And so they go.

[Sam Morril]

I love comedians. They're not like, normal women.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

She's like, you know what did it for me? The penguin joke. That's when I got wet.

[Chelsea Handler]

Joke going. I could imagine they separate. The males and the females separate for, like, months, I guess, too, because they're. They. Yeah. They get pregnant, and they have to go and give birth to their babies and separate from the husbands, I guess. And then they come back, back, and they all see each other from across, you know, the iceberg or wherever they are.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And. And then he goes, can you imagine seeing another penguin and being like, that's my baby. Like, recognizing her out of a lineup.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great bit.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I remember thinking, oh, God, this guy's funny. And then I had sex with him, and that was the first time I ever had sex with a comedian.

[Mark Normand]

He said it was amazing.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, he would say that. I'm sure.

[Mark Normand]

I asked him about it.

[Ad Voice or Guest]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

Because he mentioned it on Marin's pod.

[Chelsea Handler]

Did he?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And he said it was so hot. And then he did it again, and it wasn't. And it wasn't hot.

[Chelsea Handler]

No. I got my period. It was.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, well, that's not anybody's fault.

[Chelsea Handler]

No. Well, it was his fault, and I will always blame him. It's kind of like, don't go to a good restaurant twice in a row. You know, if you have a great meal, give it a minute, Leave it alone. We met up again. It was not.

[Mark Normand]

Hot damn.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. So I did. He did come up to me, actually, at an airport a few months ago. I was at lax, and I was with my cousin, and I just thought it was, like, a fan. And he said, chelsea Handler And I was like, oh, hi. And he goes, it's Tom Rhodes. And I was like, oh, hi. And he walked away. My cousin goes, did you sleep with that guy? Yeah, totally.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Period.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, but I haven't slept with a lot of comics. Just Tom Rhodes. Jo Koy. And I'm wondering if I'm forgetting someone, but I don't think I am.

[Mark Normand]

Matt Rife.

[Chelsea Handler]

No Matt Rife.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you like young guys.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, no, no.

[Mark Normand]

Rich.

[Chelsea Handler]

No Rich. You think I need rich?

[Mark Normand]

Rich boss.

[Sam Morril]

You don't need Ky with Rich. All that spit.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wait, go back. I want to see the present day pictures of Tom Rhodes.

[Mark Normand]

Tom Rhodes.

[Chelsea Handler]

If. If Marc Maron wasn't sober, I would have had sex with him at some point.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

What is about Marin?

[Chelsea Handler]

Do you think I like Marin because he's really sensitive and he's really smart, and he's on the right side of things. You know, kind of like social justice. Yeah. This is an older man now. Sure, but I mean, I'm an older woman now. I'm 50.

[Sam Morril]

He looks good. He still looks good.

[Chelsea Handler]

He's cute. He's cute.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, he's a sweetie.

[Chelsea Handler]

Is he still. He's still doing stand up in the.

[Mark Normand]

Cellar all the time.

[Sam Morril]

I saw him a few.

[Mark Normand]

Great guy.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Good dude. Period sex. I had no idea.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, that always kind of is a buzzkill.

[Sam Morril]

If you put down a towel, it's fine.

[Chelsea Handler]

You don't know the person.

[Sam Morril]

You have an old ratty towel for the.

[Mark Normand]

It's fine if you're in a relationship.

[Chelsea Handler]

But if you don't know the person, it's always a little bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Periods are buzz kill on many levels.

[Sam Morril]

It's fine.

[Mark Normand]

But then women get hornier on their period, don't they? That's what I've heard.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Give that a go. I don't know. How do you Google that?

[Guest or Producer]

Anyway, do you guys have any peeves? Did you come with any things that are bothering you lately?

[Chelsea Handler]

Sure, I can think of plenty.

[Mark Normand]

We usually do peeves on the show. I do have one if you want.

[Chelsea Handler]

To start and then.

[Mark Normand]

All right, I'll buy everybody some time. I ever have this one. A guy is late. You're meeting someone, they're late, and they show up with coffee and a snack. I'm like, you were already late and you have coffee that you obviously stop for and a snack.

[Sam Morril]

It's like. It's like the Elaine Seinfeld where she gets the jujubes.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Sam Morril]

The guys in the hospital.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

I'm with you. That's a piece.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't like when people call you when you're meeting them. When you're about to meet someone and they call you on the phone, it's either just show up.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Text me. Don't call me on the phone when I'm about to see you.

[Mark Normand]

We're about to meet.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls or people who can't walk into a place unless you're with them. Like, are you here yet?

[Mark Normand]

Are you here yet?

[Chelsea Handler]

I fucking hate that shit. It's like, just go inside and ask for the fucking table. You don't need me to get in.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls. I don't like FaceTimes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I hate FaceTimes.

[Chelsea Handler]

I hate when people FaceTime me. I find that in troubling.

[Mark Normand]

I agree. And what about the people on the plane FaceTiming before the flight takes up?

[Chelsea Handler]

Like, what are you crazy?

[Sam Morril]

No headphones thing? I'm gonna. I had a guy, no headphones, doing it.

[Chelsea Handler]

Every time someone does that without a headphone, you have got to say something. Because I always do. I say, I'm so sorry. Do you have a set of headphones? Cause I'm wearing like. You think that. No, no. You have to.

[Mark Normand]

Well, the white guilt kicks in. I don't know what to do.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I mean, don't say it to a black person.

[Sam Morril]

So with a black person, you can't say anything.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, Well, I mean, I try not to tell black people, but I definitely tell white guys what to do. And white women, I will do if they're older than me. If it's an elderly woman, I won't. Then I give them a pass.

[Mark Normand]

That's true. That's true.

[Chelsea Handler]

But a regular person, you should know better. I don't want to.

[Sam Morril]

What if you hit them with one of these? I'm so sorry. I know you're black. Would you mind just keeping it down? What if. Yeah, maybe you.

[Mark Normand]

That's actually about fitty.

[Sam Morril]

No, I think those are both good peeves. I wrote down a few peeves. One of them was the eating in bed.

[Mark Normand]

Eating in bed?

[Chelsea Handler]

I eat in bed.

[Sam Morril]

No, no, I meant eating before you get into bed.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right.

[Sam Morril]

Let's see, what else? Ooh. These are mostly just women. This is mostly a woman who's been staying with me. Every light is dimmed. I turn on the light, she dims every light. So I go to the bathroom and I press, turn the light on. And it's just dim, dimmed. And I'm like, I don't need to take a shit in the dark.

[Mark Normand]

Are they overhead?

[Chelsea Handler]

Maybe you do, maybe you do.

[Mark Normand]

No, women don't like. My wife hates overhead lighting.

[Chelsea Handler]

Listen, we do not get along with overhead lighting. It is not a good look. Side lighting is the best, Okay? I dated a hotelier. He taught me all about lighting. You want it coming from the side, not above.

[Sam Morril]

Really.

[Chelsea Handler]

It shows every blemish. It shows cellulite. It shows everything you don't want to see is overhead lighting. So you want to appreciate people dimming that. If you don't have sensible lighting at your place, then you're going to have to have the lights dimmed. I don't like bright lights ever.

[Mark Normand]

I don't like.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's annoying.

[Sam Morril]

You know, the lights in here bright.

[Mark Normand]

Well, it's a shoot.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's okay. There's darkness in the room, so that's better. If it were all bright, it would be a little bit too much made.

[Mark Normand]

All right, good to know. But I'm with you on the.

[Sam Morril]

My.

[Mark Normand]

My parents were all about lamps and I hate lamps. Like, give me a light in the room.

[Chelsea Handler]

I kind of like lamps.

[Mark Normand]

I. I got. I can't see anything.

[Chelsea Handler]

Mean, but too much.

[Sam Morril]

It's too many things.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of things with lamps, for sure. And all the different switches. How about when you're in a hotel room and there's like a master switch that turns on all the other lights and you're like, wait, wait, wait. I just want this.

[Sam Morril]

I kind of like that one, though, because that one, I can just turn it all off.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, but I need a little light at night to like, get my together before I go to bed. Sure.

[Mark Normand]

Well, how about those hotels with the key thing to turn all the lights on?

[Sam Morril]

The energy saver.

[Mark Normand]

Very European light on. Yeah, I gotta have an extra key now. It's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it does annoy me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I hate that you go to.

[Sam Morril]

Like, Italy or something. They all do that.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Energy savers.

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, I think we also need to get on the same page with voltage internationally.

[Mark Normand]

Agree.

[Chelsea Handler]

You know, this. This is ridiculous. Every time I go anywhere, I blow up a hairdryer and I just want us all to be on the same voltage.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Why? It's only American that did this. We. We're the ones that are the problem.

[Sam Morril]

There's a few others, right?

[Chelsea Handler]

No, we, America, Europeans are all on the same page. Even South America is on the same page with Europe. It's America. North America specifically. We're the that decided we needed bigger voltage and more voltage.

[Sam Morril]

Why do we do this?

[Chelsea Handler]

Because we're greedy and we need more.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Big appliances, more electronics.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's why we're going to invade Greenland. Because we're greedy and we need more.

[Mark Normand]

Are we?

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it looks like it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, geez. I didn't know that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Lots of things going around.

[Mark Normand]

Yikes.

[Sam Morril]

Exciting.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I'm still on Maduro. I didn't know we were moving to Greenland.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah. Venezuela, then Cuba, then Greenland.

[Mark Normand]

Holy moly, look at that sweatsuit.

[Chelsea Handler]

Look at that guy. He's like, fuck, my life is over.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's a blindfold because it looks like a sleeping mask.

[Chelsea Handler]

It looks like a virtual reality mask.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Oculus.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yes.

[Guest or Producer]

You get sleep on that flight. Like over here. Is he like, I'll get some Z's in here.

[Sam Morril]

I think he's pissed.

[Guest or Producer]

So me time.

[Mark Normand]

I bet he didn't because they brought the wife too. So he's like, oh, come on. You couldn't give me a moment?

[Sam Morril]

I got another peeve.

[Mark Normand]

Is okay.

[Sam Morril]

Is going to dinner with a picky eater. The. The many substitutions, it makes me crazy. Just order the fucking thing.

[Mark Normand]

I'm with you. I am so picky because now they're.

[Sam Morril]

Looking at you and I'm like, I'm sorry.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I'm pretty specific about when I order a cocktail. I need the right ratio of ice to drink and lamination. I'm very specific about my drinks.

[Mark Normand]

That's not bad.

[Chelsea Handler]

But food. I agree with you.

[Sam Morril]

A lot of substitutions.

[Chelsea Handler]

Or just don't order it.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly. Exactly.

[Sam Morril]

Makes me crazy.

[Mark Normand]

We hang out with comics. They're all 8 year olds in an adult body.

[Chelsea Handler]

Cheeseburgers and French fries.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I can have chicken fingers, French fries, and a hot dog. That's all I can eat.

[Chelsea Handler]

Where do you guys spend most of your time? At the Cellar.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Yeah, you should come to the Cellar. Where else in New York? New York.

[Mark Normand]

Comedy.

[Sam Morril]

Comedy club's cool.

[Mark Normand]

There's all kinds of cool.

[Chelsea Handler]

The New York comedy club.

[Sam Morril]

There's three of them now. Upper west side, 24th street and 4th Street. That'? Gotham. I like Gotham.

[Mark Normand]

Gotham, Solid. Yeah. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

But mostly the Cellar and the Road.

[Mark Normand]

Come on by.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You ever get Jones? You ever Jones for an asset?

[Sam Morril]

No, but it's a good hang. To the Olive Tree is fun.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

You get a good group down there?

[Chelsea Handler]

Around there before, but I don't. Yeah, I don't usually do sets when I'm in New York. When I'm In New York I like to party, you know.

[Sam Morril]

What are some bars you hit up when you're in New York?

[Chelsea Handler]

Went to the People's Lounge last night. The People's Lounge? I don't know place. This private club. It was so fun.

[Sam Morril]

It's like a members club.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, maybe. I don't know if it was a members club, but I went to. Where did it go last night?

[Mark Normand]

Well, you gotta go to different places than the Common Man.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, no, I don't. I could go out.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta get a bon party.

[Chelsea Handler]

I like what you're pulling up here. Pictures of restaurants. Is that. Oh, this is People's Lounge. Oh yeah, that is People's. Okay, great.

[Sam Morril]

It's. Where else do you hit up last night?

[Chelsea Handler]

I went to San Vicente Bungalows, but that's only because my friends told me to meet them there. I don't like private clubs like that. I don't like giving my people money for me to.

[Mark Normand]

To come there.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's so stupid. I find that offensive.

[Sam Morril]

Especially in New York when there's so much cool places.

[Chelsea Handler]

I went to S'. Mores, this like Israeli restaurant. Have you ever eaten there?

[Sam Morril]

I have. I've never heard of it.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's really good. I went there with my friend Juliana Margulies. Another super gym.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I love her.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, we went to dinner and then I met.

[Sam Morril]

We know of her. We don't know her.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, and then I was out and then. Yeah, when I'm in New York, I like to go out.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, it's fun.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, it's like. It's so much more fun here than LA. LA is really? Yeah, LA is a little boring.

[Sam Morril]

What's it to be going a cool bar for us to go to when we're in LA next time?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

They roll it up so early in la. Everything shuts down at night.

[Chelsea Handler]

You can't get a drink after 10 o' clock at night in LA. It's like it's never recovered from COVID.

[Sam Morril]

You know what's a cool place to drink actually is just a bar area that plays Formosa. That's a cool looking bar. That's cool. Yeah, but yeah, I'm with you. I don't really know LA bars.

[Mark Normand]

No, not really.

[Sam Morril]

And we're. We. We're rarely there together, but it'd be fun to go. Like when we did podcasts out there. That was fun.

[Mark Normand]

That was fun. Yeah, and I don't really want to go to a Sunset Strip bar. That feels weird. You want to find like a real interesting find.

[Chelsea Handler]

A cool place. There are cool places. Mostly in Los Feliz is a little bit cooler. Brentwood in the west side, it's just too. Nothing's happening over there. It's all family. It's very suburban. I live in Brentwood. I don't know why I live there. I don't know what I'm doing there. I need to leave.

[Sam Morril]

Would you ever move?

[Guest or Producer]

I want to live.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I would like to live.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, New York's cool.

[Mark Normand]

Welcome back.

[Chelsea Handler]

I want to buy an apartment in New York. And I would. I was going to, but then my house. I bought my house from RFK Jr. Whoa. And it fucking feels like it. It's been about four years.

[Sam Morril]

Did it come with supplements, renovations?

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm not joking.

[Mark Normand]

The dead bears everywhere.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's a disaster, this house, it's cursed. It has been a nightmare in my life, and I still do not live there. Four years of renovating a house in la. So that's why I don't spend a lot of time in la, because I have a bad taste in my mouth from being robbed by a contractor.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit.

[Chelsea Handler]

So it's done now. So I'll go back there at the end of ski season and live. But I'm looking to get a place in New York. I was about to buy this apartment downtown before all this happened, and then all of a sudden.

[Sam Morril]

What neighborhood?

[Chelsea Handler]

Chelsea. I'm going to live inside myself. Sam.

[Mark Normand]

No, I had to get it in.

[Sam Morril]

What are your favorite cities to hit on the road?

[Chelsea Handler]

I like dc.

[Mark Normand]

Love dc.

[Chelsea Handler]

I love Boston.

[Sam Morril]

Boston.

[Chelsea Handler]

Boston. Boston theater. I love that venue. I love dar. The Daughters of American Revolution building. I like that building in dc. I love Chicago theater.

[Mark Normand]

Yep, the best.

[Chelsea Handler]

Seattle is one of my hotspots.

[Mark Normand]

That's a great one.

[Chelsea Handler]

I just started doing Louisville, Kentucky, only because I went with Jo Koy once and he was playing the Palace Theater. And I was like, Louisville. And then I did a show and I, you know, I usually stay away from cities like that because I'm like, what's going on in Kentucky? But there's always a liberal component of, you know, a group of people in these cities, even if they. They're real red states that are so grateful for you when you do come through that. I was like, oh, this is actually really fun because there's like a huge, you know, gay and community there. So I'm doing. So I'll do places like that. Cause I like that. I like to, you know, kind of. I won't go to really, like, Florida. Not. I'm not interested In Florida.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Sam Morril]

I'm taping my next special in Tampa.

[Chelsea Handler]

Are you?

[Sam Morril]

Tampa theater, Beautiful theater.

[Mark Normand]

Is it? Good crowd?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. You know what? It's a really good comedy city. I think Tampa, really great comedy. I think so. Yeah. I think very underrated. And theater. Theater's just gorgeous.

[Chelsea Handler]

What about Orlando?

[Sam Morril]

I like Orlando.

[Chelsea Handler]

Jacksonville, Miami.

[Sam Morril]

Miami's tough. Miami's tough.

[Mark Normand]

Is it?

[Sam Morril]

They just. I don't think they care about comedy. I think they all have, like, you want people with real jobs. You don't want people who are, like, all influencers in your crowd. They show up 30 minutes late and they're. They're not interested. But I think Tampa crowds are. They really are. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Coked up, fake tits. It's all about how I look and why aren't you talking to me? You know, why am I listening to you?

[Sam Morril]

So I don't love. Yeah, I like for, like, Lauderdale. Like, I actually think Florida's got some good pockets.

[Chelsea Handler]

It does have some good pockets. You're funny you're saying that because, like. Yeah, yeah, Fort Lauderdale is good. Like, I remember last time, I was like, I'll just go to one place. But I think you're right about Miami. Miami's not the best.

[Sam Morril]

Sucks. Naples sucks for Myers. Sucks. But then. But then you have, like. You know, I think Tampa is great. And I've actually. The last few times I've been to Orlando, I like them. I thought they were pretty good, but it was. But it's like you're saying they're. They're pumped you're there, you know, and that makes you pumped to be there. That they're so. Yeah. Tampa theater. I'm actually adding a third show tomorrow for the taping. So I hope you guys come out February 26th, 27th. I hope you come out there. So what's the name of your tour that you're doing right now?

[Chelsea Handler]

High and Mighty Tour.

[Sam Morril]

The High and Mighty tour.

[Chelsea Handler]

I start February 13th. I jump off in D.C. and then I am doing about 30 shows.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

Throughout the world.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I'm gonna add another 30 because I haven't even added LA and New York yet.

[Mark Normand]

Holy moly.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I'm gonna go do that and.

[Guest or Producer]

Be on top of these dates real quick so people can know.

[Chelsea Handler]

Sure. February 13th is DC. February 15th, Norfolk, Virginia. Madison, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati. I'm coming everywhere. Denver, Portland, Providence, Rhode Island. That's enough.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Sam Morril]

I did a thing in Norfolk once where I was doing a theater there, and they said they. They can't get it, so that they Have. What do you call it? You're basically allowed to bring a gun into the theater.

[Chelsea Handler]

Oh, yeah, okay.

[Sam Morril]

And I was like, no, no, I don't agree to that. And they were like, well, they have to. And they're like, well, they'll provide security for you. So it felt like we were in, like a fucking insane thing where people were following us around. And I was like, I don't know who these guys are either.

[Guest or Producer]

And they have guns.

[Sam Morril]

This is fucking. And then one guy came in with a gun and they're like, the comedian really would appreciate if you left the gun in the car. And the guy went, fine. And he went back and put the gun in the car. I was like, I just don't want guns in the crowd.

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't. In open carry states. I'm not into it. I'm not interested in that. And also you. They have to not allow guns to come into the theater.

[Sam Morril]

I don't want to shoot out in the show. Of course I don't want to. I talk about the wrong subject. He's like, fuck this motherfucker.

[Mark Normand]

You know, you're right.

[Sam Morril]

Also, shout out. Little Dog Diner in Norfolk. Amazing. They have their homemade hot sauce. Amazing. I remember a good diner. I love a good. A good spot.

[Mark Normand]

It's a bitch to get there, though. I was at two flights to Norfolk.

[Sam Morril]

We run a tour bus for that run.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

Thank God for that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Only men will take tour buses. Women do things like that.

[Mark Normand]

Schumer did.

[Sam Morril]

Schumer did it. And Nikki asked me about it, but I was like, you're not going to like it.

[Chelsea Handler]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Sam Morril]

But Amy. Amy did it. That was fun.

[Mark Normand]

We got real up on that thing.

[Chelsea Handler]

Did you?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's fun.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of years. You missed the bus.

[Sam Morril]

I missed the. I know. I did a few of the buses.

[Mark Normand]

With her, but you missed it. Literally. Remember you.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, yeah. Amy was so mad at me. I met. I was drinking with her brother's band, used to open, and I was drinking with the band and one of the bandmates and. And I kept looking at my watch like, isn't the bus leaving now? Isn't the bus leaving now? And he's like, no, no, we're cool. And we fucking chased the bus. And she had security details, like a huge thing. And she was.

[Chelsea Handler]

How many people were on the bus?

[Sam Morril]

A bunch. She was not pleased with me, but I got lucky because she got so mad at me. Then I think she felt kind of bad how mad she got. Then she was cool again. Yeah, it's not a good feeling to chase a tour bus.

[Mark Normand]

No. With a police escort.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Bad, good times.

[Sam Morril]

But I remember we were with Amy together in Orlando back in the day. And I remember puking in the Orlando airport bathroom because we got it hammered.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

And I remember Mark just handing a ginger ale over the stall and I was like, that's a fucking friend. It's a good.

[Mark Normand]

We've all been there.

[Sam Morril]

That's nice.

[Chelsea Handler]

There's nothing better when you're throwing up than ginger ale.

[Mark Normand]

That's the best.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Look at Amy. Look at this.

[Mark Normand]

Hey.

[Chelsea Handler]

Wow. Wow, look at this.

[Mark Normand]

Thirst trapping a little house.

[Chelsea Handler]

Who's Amy gonna fuck now?

[Mark Normand]

Come on, 50. Who's gonna fuck?

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, who's she gonna fuck? What's gonna happen, guys?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. Wow. We should do a poll or a pool or something. Call in if you want to fuck Amy.

[Chelsea Handler]

Exciting.

[Sam Morril]

Tom Rhodes.

[Mark Normand]

Just do it once, though.

[Chelsea Handler]

She looks good.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Yep. All right, Amy.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Where else are you excited to go to on the road?

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, I, I, you know, I don't know. I, I don't really get. I just kind of trying to have a really a. I have to work out every day, you know, Like, I'm really serious about working out.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

So I need to be like, strong and, and like clear headed. And then if I'm in a fun city, I like to have friends come. And if I'm in a city where I have a lot of people coming. You know, sometimes you go to shows and you have like 15, 20 friends that are in that city. That's always fun.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And so those cities, fun, you know, are the bigger cities. But I like the smaller cities too, because I like to lie low. I like to spend a day in bed watching fucking television all day long and have nothing but to do but go to dinner and go to your show. I love that feeling.

[Mark Normand]

That's nice.

[Chelsea Handler]

I like to do that.

[Mark Normand]

What do you still drink? What's the hangover cure? Because I'm 40 now and the hangovers are hitting me hard.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, I don't know, I'm just. My body's accustomed. I'm a professional.

[Sam Morril]

Do you hydrate a lot?

[Chelsea Handler]

I mean, I drink some, you know, I have some water in the morning with some electrolytes, but I'm not a big water person.

[Sam Morril]

Are you an IV person?

[Chelsea Handler]

Not really. I mean, sometimes, but not really, no. I'm just, I've got a strong constitution.

[Sam Morril]

You don't need a lot of Jews who can handle their boobs.

[Mark Normand]

I was just gonna say that.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, I'm part German, so. So that's what it is. Yeah.

[Guest or Producer]

Can I ask what you were doing in Antarctica?

[Chelsea Handler]

I was on a psychedelic conference in Antarctica.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Chelsea Handler]

So this guy. So I met this guy, the one I'm talking about, in Vegas, after one of my shows. He sat down. I was at a table. I was going to win back the money that my friends had lost.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I asked this guy, he was wearing a cowboy hat, and he was sitting at the table, and I was like, hey, I don't have any chips left. Can I borrow a couple thousand dollars? I'm going to start winning. I'll pay you back right away. And he was like, all right. And gave me chips. And I won his money back.

[Ad Voice or Guest]

I paid.

[Chelsea Handler]

I won my money. The pay table was popping. We're all winning. It was fun. And then the next day, I won my money. I go home to my room, and then I start getting texts from this guy. And I'm like, who's this guy texting me? I said to my friend. She's like, that was the cowboy from last night that you were sitting next to. And I said, how did he get my number? She's like, you gave him your number? And I'm like, no, I didn't. And she's like, we gave him your number because you guys were really cute together. And I said, oh. And he's like, listen, hey, you're fucking fun. He goes, where do we see each other again? I named the time, name the place. I'll come to you. Let's make this happen. I want to run it back. And I was like.

[Sam Morril]

And you said, antarctica?

[Chelsea Handler]

I said, you made it hard. I didn't even respond for the first three ones because I didn't know who this guy was. I'd already forgotten about that night, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And I. And then he said. He said something like, you see? He goes, I'm looking for some adventure in my life, and you seem pretty adventurous. And I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip and said, this is my next adventure, and I'm headed here. I was leaving in, like, four. Four days. And he wrote back, I'll see you in Antarctica, and bought himself a ticket, which is like a $50,000 ticket. What? Yeah. So that was a hot move, because then I was like, that's a strong move. And I like that. Then I got my attention.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

So he came to Antarctica, and I.

[Sam Morril]

Buy a bus ticket to Baltimore to ship.

[Chelsea Handler]

I'm not going to And I was with my. I already had a roommate, and he got his own room, and he was on this bus boat with us for, like, seven days or eight days or 10 days. Yeah. And so that's. Yeah. And I've been dating him ever since.

[Sam Morril]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Man. It's hard to get laid these days. Flowers, chocolate. This is crazy.

[Chelsea Handler]

So fun.

[Sam Morril]

How was Antarctica?

[Chelsea Handler]

It was fucking awesome. It was a psychedelic conference. So half of the people there were researching psychedelics and the other half were doing them. And I was part of that group. And it was pretty. Pretty intense. Like, majestic. Like, you see Antarctica from, like, a day away. Before you get there, it's like a sheet of ice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

And you pass, like, 60 degrees longitude, and they tell you to, like, look out the window, and we're all on MDMA and we're fucking already. And so to see that. And it's not dark out because it's summertime and you're in the Southern Hemisphere, so it's light out the whole time. And you see this sheet of ice, and it looked like the north wall from Game of Thrones. Like, naturally, kind of. And I just remember being like, this is epic. And then you get there and the penguins are running around. There's penguins everywhere, and they have these little penguin highways, and they go.

[Sam Morril]

You thought of Tom Rhodes, didn't you?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

I was like, where's Tom Rhodes? I gotta. Tom Rhodes. Penguins running up and down these single, like, file lines. And then we went kayaking, and there's humpback whales jumping. It was insanity.

[Mark Normand]

And you're on Molly with all this.

[Chelsea Handler]

That's incred. It was just a great trip. I had a great time. I really. The food was terrible.

[Sam Morril]

What do you eat there?

[Mark Normand]

Fish.

[Chelsea Handler]

It's, like, gross. It was just terrible food. It was like. I don't know what. What the cuisine would even be.

[Mark Normand]

Penguin.

[Chelsea Handler]

But just, like, frozen, gross food. I lost six pounds on that trip. I've never lost weight on a trip before.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Chelsea Handler]

But, yeah, I had a great time and I was really cool. I wish we could have stayed there for a couple more days. Because you crossed Drake's Passage, which is pretty volatile part of the ocean. Like, it's very. And so the boat is literally like this for three days. So when you sleep, you get the best night's sleep of your life. Because you're, like, in your mother's womb, like.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Chelsea Handler]

I've never. It was like someone just rocking you. But when you're walking around, you know. Tricky.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Well, was it weird to get to Know this guy on a boat in Antarctica? Yeah. You really know much about him.

[Sam Morril]

But you vibe the first night?

[Chelsea Handler]

Well, no, I just figured there's enough people on this boat if he's going to be fun. I don't have to like sleep with him if I'm not into him.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Chelsea Handler]

There's going to be 180 people on this boat. I'll find someone else to have sex with if I need to and he can too. So it was just more like I wasn't sure. And then once we hung out, I was like, okay, yeah, I'm down.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, man. If he flew out there and you didn't bang him though, that's tough. Oh, you got to jump off that boat.

[Chelsea Handler]

He probably would have found somebody else. There were a lot of boats. There was a lot of good looking people on that boat.

[Mark Normand]

Got it.

[Chelsea Handler]

I think they only allowed good looking people on the that boat. One of those trips, right?

[Mark Normand]

So is it some hot Molly sex?

[Chelsea Handler]

What? What is this movie?

[Mark Normand]

It's pretty. You said it was majestic. So now you got a new guy?

[Chelsea Handler]

I don't know that we had sex on Molly when we were there. I can't remember, but yes.

[Sam Morril]

I don't know anything about Molly. Does that enhance sex?

[Mark Normand]

Everything's enhanced.

[Sam Morril]

Okay.

[Chelsea Handler]

MMA sex is fun, fun, fun. Yeah, you should try it. You guys should do it together. Oh, it's 2:30, you guys. I have to go. Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. Okay. Well, Jimmy, we said hello.

[Sam Morril]

Oh yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And check out her podcast.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Dear Chelsea was super fun to do. Loved, love chatting with you. Love. I'm happy you came. Our podcast.

[Chelsea Handler]

Yeah, thank you guys. Nice to see you in action.

[Sam Morril]

And go see Chelsea on tour.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah, I'll be there.

[Chelsea Handler]

You guys, if you bring your girlfriend or wife on tour to see me, you'll. You'll get laid.

[Sam Morril]

Is it just Chelsea handler.com for tours? Okay. Chelsea handler.com for tour. Go see Chelsea.

[Mark Normand]

And check out her pod.

[Sam Morril]

And check out her pod.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thanks guys.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you, Chelsea.

[Chelsea Handler]

Thanks for my drink, you guys.

[Mark Normand]

You can have one for the road if you want. You want to open any of this stuff people send? Oh, sure.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we'll see. Let's do you want to do that before?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, let's do it before.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, let's open some.

[Mark Normand]

Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year. These are Christmas gifts.

[Sam Morril]

Open the card.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, that one's for me.

[Sam Morril]

It's from you.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, this is gonna make me.

[Sam Morril]

Oh my God. Eight bright candles in a row. Eight bright candles all aglow for each candle Bright burning bright fun filled wishes for each night. Happy Hanukkah. And we got a little double down card.

[Mark Normand]

So what's that, like a scratch off?

[Sam Morril]

Scratch off? Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

A little weird to put a coin in a Jewish one for each. Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Let's do this after the episode. Or should we do it on?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I got a coin.

[Guest or Producer]

Do you really want the person to win when you get one of those, do you really want them to win?

[Mark Normand]

I think so.

[Guest or Producer]

Yeah, I want you to win.

[Sam Morril]

It's like the movie Sour Grapes. Remember that one?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Okay, what am I looking for here? Winning number. Oh, I see the winning number. He scratched that first 36.

[Sam Morril]

My winning numbers are 9 and 11.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, geez.

[Sam Morril]

The hell beaters.

[Mark Normand]

You already won five. Oh, I'm a winner.

[Sam Morril]

I got.

[Mark Normand]

What does that mean? Do I get a dollar? No. What do you get if you win?

[Guest or Producer]

You got a scratch off prize maybe? Thing that says prize, it tells you what you won.

[Sam Morril]

I don't think I won here. But you know what? It's fun just to play. Thank you, Peters. Appreciate it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, my God.

[Sam Morril]

What?

[Mark Normand]

I think I won five grand. I think I did.

[Sam Morril]

No way.

[Guest or Producer]

Show it. Show us where?

[Chelsea Handler]

A minute.

[Mark Normand]

How many you're supposed to scratch?

[Sam Morril]

I don't know.

[Guest or Producer]

I scratch them all.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, I think we got a winner.

[Guest or Producer]

You got three of a kind.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Guest or Producer]

And what's the thing?

[Sam Morril]

No, I think you have to still have to scratch off this other one, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I don't think one of them's a winner because it says winning number 36. Yeah, I scratch a 36.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, I know, but I think.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, wait a minute. Someone has to inspect because if we just won five grand, we could buy a whole new look at mine too.

[Guest or Producer]

Bodega Peters is investigating.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, take a look.

[Sam Morril]

And we got a gift. And it is a shirt that says the Rizzler. Which will be really fun after being on FBI's Most Wanted after last episode.

[Mark Normand]

We're definitely on a list. I'm not registered.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah, we always wanted to be on a comedy list. On a different list. And I'm on Epstein's list. Why don't you get open some of these?

[Mark Normand]

He liked one of our last videos, by the way.

[Sam Morril]

Did. It's not him.

[Mark Normand]

I bought it.

[Sam Morril]

I was how to Cope with a Massive Penis. Oh, this is great to read on the subway. Thank you. Yeah, like, oh, God, this is so hard.

[Mark Normand]

That's genius. This is hard. Hold on. Oh, what do we got here? Malort.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, that's the nasty. Who gave us that? His Name's right there.

[Mark Normand]

Jepsen Company.

[Guest or Producer]

David Skinner gave us some.

[Sam Morril]

You know what that's good for? That's like a good pun punishment shot for the. Because they're nasty.

[Mark Normand]

I'm gonna have one kiss of it. Really A little effort.

[Sam Morril]

Give me a kiss. Fuck it. Give me a tiny one. It's nasty.

[Mark Normand]

Shit's bad. It's like kerosene.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, so bad. Cheers. Hey, thanks. Chicago.

[Mark Normand]

Hey. The second City.

[Guest or Producer]

So they know it's bad. They know it and they're just like.

[Sam Morril]

But it's a point of pride. It's pretty fucking. It's nasty. It's just. There's nothing. You didn't take it all. Take it all.

[Mark Normand]

Get all of it.

[Sam Morril]

You gotta get all of it. Come on.

[Mark Normand]

This is brutal. It's like getting a girl to swallow.

[Sam Morril]

My cum tastes better than that.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Sam Morril]

That is fucking nasty. Let's see what else we got. Ah, smelling salts. What is this, the mothership?

[Mark Normand]

They're good. If you're bombing with a guest, you're like, smell that?

[Sam Morril]

I made a mistake of doing it too close. And I just remember Rogan, like, grabbing me like, are you okay? In a pathetic way.

[Mark Normand]

It'll wake you. I had a hangover once. Really bad. I took that and I was like. I was cured. Oh, what do we got here? Ooh, what's that? Happy every day. Looks like some kind of love box. That's what I call my wife's. Okay, hold on.

[Sam Morril]

Wet farts. Really says a lot what people think of us with these gifts. A mug.

[Mark Normand]

A black mug. Oh. Instructions. Put that one in. To Mark.

[Sam Morril]

Happy holidays.

[Guest or Producer]

The Santa wrapping papers from Mike Criscolo.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, from your mom's house.

[Sam Morril]

Mike Criscolo. I thought he's uta.

[Mark Normand]

That's not. I don't think he's related to anybody. Wait for it.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, this is from your mom's house.

[Mark Normand]

Uh huh.

[Sam Morril]

This one's from your mom's house. Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, great.

[Sam Morril]

Oh, these are really good. These things. Texas chewy pr. This is the problem.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you.

[Sam Morril]

Trying to get fit. I am still drinking, so it's not going to happen, but sure these are good, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. These are. I'm taking these home since 1885. Still kicking.

[Sam Morril]

Still kicking. Let's plug some tour dates. What do we got? Mark?

[Guest or Producer]

This is Mark here.

[Mark Normand]

Brea Brea. We got a couple shows sold out. Then like 2, 2 left. So let's sell that puppy. That's a big room. 8, 600 seats.

[Sam Morril]

It's a great one.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I love that club.

[Sam Morril]

Stay in LA when you do that.

[Mark Normand]

I'm gonna run in and do podcasts. Maybe I'll stay in la.

[Sam Morril]

Makes more sense. Probably.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You just gotta drive home after.

[Sam Morril]

It's annoying.

[Mark Normand]

That sucks because I had a few drinks. Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Get a guy to open.

[Mark Normand]

That's up. Drive you. That's a sober opener. Sober opener. I want to hang with him. What's this?

[Guest or Producer]

And we got Bend, Oregon on January 23rd.

[Mark Normand]

It's supposed to change color. And the picture underneath is the guy. The big black dick guy. Oh, that's fun.

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. But why underneath? Who drinks a coffee like this? It should be the side.

[Mark Normand]

It's. Oh. Supposed to change, I think. Yeah. Maybe when you show something coming in, you see him.

[Guest or Producer]

Oh, is it on the bottom mark when you tip it up?

[Sam Morril]

Oh, I see it. I see him. I see his dick now.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

All right. Hey, Brea. Then I'm in Bend, Oregon. New Brunswick in New Jersey. Stress factory, San Antonio at lol, Tulsa at the Bricktown Comedy Club. Indianapolis, Helium, Sahawarita, Arizona, Buffalo, New York, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky. Fort Lauderdale and Raleigh. Come on out, North Carolina. Back in the clubs.

[Sam Morril]

Love it. Well, we got Washington, D.C. it's all sold out, but excited to go to DC Improv. Never done it. Excited. Believe Chicago is all sold out too. And these are small rooms I'm doing. So. Yeah. Stanford, Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island. I think they're all sold out, so I'm excited to come.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah.

[Sam Morril]

We're adding tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning we're adding February 26th for Tampa.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Sam Morril]

So we'll do a third show at the Tampa Theater. I'm very excited for this special and if that one sells, maybe a fourth, you know. Very excited. Taping a special there. So love you guys for coming out. Tampa, you're the best.

[Guest or Producer]

I wanted to ask you something before we left. Are you wrapping up? Wrapping up?

[Sam Morril]

Yeah. Why? Oh, I just wanted to ask about.

[Guest or Producer]

You mentioned Texas a second ago at your mom's house. Have you heard about this controversy between Texas and New York comics?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's getting pretty heated. It's heated.

[Sam Morril]

It's getting weird.

[Mark Normand]

It's crazy.

[Sam Morril]

You know what I say?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

Eyes on your own paper. Write some fucking jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Hell yeah. Tell that to Texas. All right, we'll see you later. Yeehaw.

[Sam Morril]

Hey, buy some bodega. Bodega cat.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Enjoy some bodega cat. Have a good time. We love you. And to all the restaurants and bars carrying it, we love you.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

Hit us up, Bodegacat. Whiskey, Instagram, whatever you need. Yeah, send you a box. Yeah, we're on it, man. We got a guy on it. It's happening, it's moving, we're cooking. The merch is gonna get even cooler.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Sam Morril]

We love you for listening. Thanks, Chelsea, for coming by, and it's.

[Mark Normand]

Been a great year. I mean, Rizzler, Seinfeld, the list goes on.

[Sam Morril]

You gave Risler first billing?

[Mark Normand]

Well, he was a tough get. We got Seinfeld before Rizzler.

[Sam Morril]

That's a good point. Jerry never bailed on us. The Rizzler stood us up four times.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Sam Morril]

He is a child.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. All right. He's nine.

[Sam Morril]

He's nine.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Sam Morril]

All right, well, we love you guys. Thanks for listening, guys. And if you're having a dry January, you know, stay strong. And if you're not, get some bodega here.

[Mark Normand]

Here comedy. Thank you. Good night, good luck. We'll see you in hell.

[Chelsea Handler]

A bit of piva wreck. You know, the beer Jew's close. I've had a little too much burping, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like a cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way. We might be true.

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