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Chelsea Handler
Hi, boys.
Mark Normand
Hey. Welcome.
Chelsea Handler
Hello. Hello, sir.
Mark Normand
Hello. Howdy. Hey, how you doing? Hi. Good.
Chelsea Handler
Hi, Mark. Chelsea, how are you? Where do you guys want me?
Sam Morril
Right here. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Okay. I love it. That's your mic.
Chelsea Handler
Look at that.
Sam Morril
Look at that. Yeah. Can we get you something to drink?
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, I want to drink.
Mark Normand
No pressure, no pressure.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, I want to drink. I love drinking.
Sam Morril
Well, drink whatever you drink.
Chelsea Handler
I'll have a Tanqueray with a splash of salt, soda. Who's making the drink?
Mark Normand
The big man.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, God, I don't know if you're gonna make it. Do you guys have short glasses or only these tall glasses?
Sam Morril
Whatever you need.
Mark Normand
Whatever you want.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, my God.
Mark Normand
I got a dreidel sippy cup.
Chelsea Handler
I like a short glass. I gotta go to Fallon after this.
Mark Normand
So I gotta get.
Sam Morril
Oh, yeah.
Mark Normand
He'll be buzzed.
Chelsea Handler
So are you a comedian?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, sorry.
Mark Normand
No, we met years ago.
Sam Morril
Let's start. Let's start. This is all good.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, we did.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Well, you did some interview with her at an outdoor amphitheater and that's like Santa Barbara.
Guest or Producer
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
San Diego.
Mark Normand
San Diego.
Chelsea Handler
Were you opening for her?
Mark Normand
I was, yeah. That was a wild ride.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I remember that. You guys helicoptered in, right?
Mark Normand
That's right. Pre Kobe.
Chelsea Handler
You can be generous with the ice. I love ice. I just came from Antarctica, so I was trying to get some more.
Mark Normand
Not the border patrol?
Chelsea Handler
No, not border patrol, but don't be shy. Fill it up with ice, please. I don't mean to be bossing you around, but I absolutely mean to be.
Sam Morril
No, we like it. We like having a boss.
Chelsea Handler
I know you guys need some female energy in here. There's too many men, right?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, well, I'm so excited.
Mark Normand
It.
Chelsea Handler
Who DM'd me?
Ad Voice or Guest
You did.
Mark Normand
I've DM'd you before, but not for this.
Sam Morril
I was it.
Chelsea Handler
You DM'd me? Look at that working itself out. I love when shit works out.
Sam Morril
By the way, congrats on the People's Choice Awards.
Mark Normand
Yeah, four in a row.
Chelsea Handler
The Critics Choice Award.
Sam Morril
Sorry. We both watched, though.
Chelsea Handler
You did?
Mark Normand
Yeah, the monologue. Why you were coming on.
Chelsea Handler
I just figure straight guys don't really watch shows like that.
Sam Morril
No, we watched because you were coming on.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Thanks.
Sam Morril
Yeah. But I'm glad I watched. It was funny.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Thank you.
Sam Morril
Yeah. I love the Cialis line. The Sean Pen Jo. The opener is the most important.
Mark Normand
Uh huh.
Ad Voice or Guest
Yes.
Sam Morril
And you nailed it.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I like those kinds of events. I like to go out and do that stuff. It's fun.
Mark Normand
It's a tough time.
Chelsea Handler
I look forward to looking these people in the eye and saying, fucking shit, you know? Yeah, it's fun.
Sam Morril
Has there ever been one that you regretted where you're like, I'm just gonna send that one.
Chelsea Handler
I don't really care.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
You know what I mean?
Sam Morril
Do you have a couple drinks in you when you do it?
Chelsea Handler
No. I had probably a sip of a drink.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Chelsea Handler
Cause I had a bad cough, and so I was trying to suppress it and. Thank you.
Mark Normand
No cranberry.
Chelsea Handler
Appreciated that. No, just soda. Right? You put a little soda in there. Great.
Sam Morril
Love it.
Mark Normand
I'll have what she's had.
Sam Morril
I'm doing, too.
Mark Normand
I would love one, ma'.
Guest or Producer
Am.
Chelsea Handler
I love those guys.
Mark Normand
Hey, cheers.
Sam Morril
Cheers.
Mark Normand
Mazel tov.
Sam Morril
Cheers. Nice to see you. Ooh, that's good. I like that.
Mark Normand
Tastes like summer.
Chelsea Handler
It is summer, actually, in Antarctica, it's summer right now.
Mark Normand
Oh, really? There's no comedy over there, right?
Chelsea Handler
There is some comedy there.
Guest or Producer
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
I don't know if it's worth going for the comedy, but there is comedy. You can find comedy almost anywhere if you look hard enough.
Mark Normand
I guess that's true. Syracuse, Rochester, Buffalo, Buffalo 3.
Sam Morril
Syracuse is the saddest.
Mark Normand
That's the least favorite.
Chelsea Handler
Is it sadder than Buffalo?
Sam Morril
Definitely. Yes, I think.
Chelsea Handler
You think so.
Mark Normand
Way worse.
Sam Morril
Way higher. Suicide rate, Right.
Chelsea Handler
Buffalo is pretty bad.
Sam Morril
Look at the jacket he's wearing. You're killing him right here.
Chelsea Handler
And then Rochester. What about Rochester?
Sam Morril
I like Rochester. Over Syracuse.
Chelsea Handler
Over Syracuse.
Sam Morril
Definitely.
Chelsea Handler
Interesting.
Sam Morril
I think Syracuse is where everyone kills himself there, Right. All the writers are there. This brooding energy.
Chelsea Handler
What about Cleveland?
Sam Morril
I like Cleveland.
Mark Normand
Moments.
Chelsea Handler
I don't.
Sam Morril
I think if you have sports teams, you have at least enough of enthusiasm or morale sometimes.
Chelsea Handler
I've started betting on sports to gauge, to become. Pique my interest. I'm dating a guy who's really into gambling or football, basketball, gambling. And the only way for me to pay attention is to put money on it.
Sam Morril
They should be aimed at these ads, at women. That's a great point.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. So, like, now I'm in. I'm like, let's go. I'm like, put five grand on this game and like.
Sam Morril
Five grand.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Yeah. We're up, like 14 grand right now.
Sam Morril
Holy shit.
Chelsea Handler
We're going to go to the Knicks game tonight. I'm going to bet on that, too.
Sam Morril
We're playing the Clippers tonight.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. So I'm going to take the Knicks.
Sam Morril
This is a must win for you.
Chelsea Handler
Learning about spreads. I'm fucking into it. I mean, as soon as this relationship is over. I won't remember. But I do love to gamble.
Ad Voice or Guest
Now.
Sam Morril
You might take the gambling with you. It's fun.
Chelsea Handler
I love gambling. I love gambling. I love blackjack. When I go to Vegas, I have a residency in Vegas. Whenever I go there, I take everyone who comes to my shows. We all go out after. I give everyone money because I don't want to force people to gamble with their own money. I give them money. We always win. If they lose, I go back and win my own money.
Mark Normand
Damn. Really?
Chelsea Handler
I never leave without what I started with, ever.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Chelsea Handler
Not once has that happened.
Mark Normand
Wow. I've never won once.
Sam Morril
I don't leave.
Chelsea Handler
Wow.
Mark Normand
Well, I can't do math. I'm horrible at math.
Sam Morril
I get drunk and then I just put it all in one hand, and then I close.
Chelsea Handler
No, I'm very calibrated. I'm quick. I know what's. I'll split twos against a king if I'm feeling lucky and fucking win. I'm lucky. So when people gamble with me, they usually do win.
Mark Normand
What about craps?
Chelsea Handler
I don't really know. Craps.
Mark Normand
Too much roulette and craps.
Chelsea Handler
Like, I just have to be. I have to have an advisor with me.
Mark Normand
Someone else.
Chelsea Handler
Another gambler.
Mark Normand
Right. Right.
Sam Morril
You bring Yamanika out, right?
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I bring Yamanika out.
Sam Morril
That's fun.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Well, she's fucking crazy. She's crazy, bipolar.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah, all that.
Chelsea Handler
You don't know what you're gonna get. She was a writer on the Critics Choice Awards.
Mark Normand
For me.
Chelsea Handler
She was one of my writers. So throughout, we're rehearsing, we're changing the jokes, we're crafting the monologue. And every time she comes into my trailer, it's like, you know, you don't know who the fuck is coming into your trailer. You don't know if she smoked a cigarette, a joint. She's in a good mood. If she's crying, you know, she's a mess.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
And she's. I mean, she's never.
Sam Morril
She's not gonna get a lot of more writing work when you're talking about her like this. She's a disaster. She's on drugs.
Mark Normand
Right.
Chelsea Handler
She's a drug addict. She's a prostitute.
Mark Normand
Nazi, pedophile. Keep going.
Chelsea Handler
She's not a n. The one thing she is not is a Nazi.
Sam Morril
They're not good writers, I don't think.
Chelsea Handler
No, they never have been.
Mark Normand
No.
Sam Morril
Not good stuff. Hitler was. It was all performance.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Sam Morril
The substance wasn't great.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. There wasn't a lot of Substance. But it seemed the idea definitely took.
Sam Morril
It took off for sure.
Chelsea Handler
It definitely was.
Sam Morril
It had Jewish producers.
Mark Normand
It felt, like, very persuasive.
Sam Morril
No, that's. That was awesome, though. I love the Rob Reiner tribute at the end.
Mark Normand
That was nice.
Sam Morril
That was awesome.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, thanks. I had spent some time with Rob Reiner and his wife, Michelle Reiner, in the last few months. Like, we had dinner a couple times more than I would normally see them. I mean, I've known them for a long time, but so it was particularly. We had dinner and Obama at a friend's house, and Obama showed up a few months ago last year. And so we kind of have this, like, really funny, crazy night that happened to all of us together. And then I had dinner with them again a few months ago and with Maria Shriver also. And Rob was just kind of like the best guy that there is. He's like Adam Sandler, you know, the nicest guy to everybody and also really, like, a good listener and a lover of, like, family and, you know, just the kind of guy you wanted to be. Your dad.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Chelsea Handler
Like, I wished he was my dad. My dad was a mess. I would have liked a little Rob.
Mark Normand
Reiner in my life, of course.
Sam Morril
Yeah. And he was run. And. Yes. So talented.
Mark Normand
So talented.
Sam Morril
Like, that range is insane to make. Like Misery and Princess Bride. That's insane.
Chelsea Handler
Just amazing. Did he write that?
Mark Normand
No, he directed.
Sam Morril
Who wrote it?
Mark Normand
That's a hell of a question. We got the Google right here.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
What are we Googling, guys?
Mark Normand
Who wrote it?
Chelsea Handler
Oh, I see. This is how you operate your podcast.
Sam Morril
William Goldman.
Mark Normand
Is that right? Didn't he write a Lord of the Flies?
Chelsea Handler
Oh, did he? He's cute.
Mark Normand
That can't be right.
Guest or Producer
Marathon Man.
Sam Morril
Oh, that's a good one.
Mark Normand
Oh, is it safe?
Sam Morril
Dustin Hoffman, Baby Princess Bride, Adventures in.
Guest or Producer
Screen Trade, I guess.
Mark Normand
How about that?
Sam Morril
So were you pretty close with Rob?
Chelsea Handler
No, I wouldn't say we were really close, but we, like, he's political, I'm political, We communicate a lot about that. We were in a lot of the same chats and group chats and whenever we hung out.
Ad Voice or Guest
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And I had. I've been to their house and had dinners there and. Yeah, I mean, he's a. He's. Yeah. I loved him. I can't even imagine. It's just so horrifying to even think about what happened.
Mark Normand
That's crazy.
Chelsea Handler
It's so disturbing that that's how he goes out, he and his wife.
Mark Normand
I know.
Chelsea Handler
You know, that's how you go. That's your Last. Like those kids that are his other two kids. Like, how do you. How do you even.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Together.
Mark Normand
And he brought him to parties. I want to go to Conan's party. What the hell?
Chelsea Handler
Get an invite to that. Do you know Conan?
Mark Normand
I've done the show, but it's over.
Chelsea Handler
Well, you obviously didn't make that much of an impression.
Mark Normand
I did it eight times.
Sam Morril
Mark did one of the greatest things.
Chelsea Handler
That's a lot.
Sam Morril
The first time Mark did Conan get in with him.
Guest or Producer
He.
Sam Morril
This was a ballsy ass move. You were super young comedy. Mark killed. And then Conan came over to shake his hand, and Mark grabbed Conan's tie and dapped his forehead with it.
Chelsea Handler
And that didn't go over.
Sam Morril
It did not go over. No.
Mark Normand
He didn't like it.
Sam Morril
We loved it at home.
Mark Normand
Thank you.
Sam Morril
It was big at home, but.
Mark Normand
But, yeah, Maybe that's why I didn't get the invite.
Chelsea Handler
That's funny.
Mark Normand
Yeah, but sweet, man. Big fan. Big fan of the Cone Zone.
Chelsea Handler
And you want to. Yeah. Put it out there that you want to get invited. He said, actually, I bet you he's not having another Christmas party after.
Mark Normand
That's a good point.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Sam Morril
Damn.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
That was.
Mark Normand
I'd kill my dad. It's. Sorry. Well, this will come out in a week.
Sam Morril
So what's the process? I mean, how much do you run that set when you're doing that?
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
For the Critics Choice.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Like two times.
Sam Morril
Really? At what, a comedy club or what?
Chelsea Handler
No, at rehearsal.
Mark Normand
Oh, okay.
Chelsea Handler
I'm not one of those people that practices things a lot. I'm not interested. I mean, when I'm on tour, I do my show every night, but when I'm doing the Critics Choice Awards. No, I'm not running around town running that set. I just. We write it, and I run it, like, twice or three times maybe in rehearsal. And then, you know, it changes all the time. Up until the last minute, Leo was not gonna be in the audience. He was on his way. Timothy Chalamet was sick. So we had all these, like, opening bits. You kind of have to be really flexible. And you're like, well, that's not gonna work if Timothy's not in the audience. He was sick, so we didn't know when he was gonna.
Sam Morril
Kim, I know you have Covid, but I got a really good opener about it.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, can you get in here? And then Leo was, you know, on his way, and he was gonna be in the audience. So then, like, let's just focus on Leo. Let's do that bit.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
So we did that. But, yeah, no, those things are just fun. And I like setting the tone for things. Like, I like walking out on stage, kind of like, you know, when you're doing a show, stand up.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Chelsea Handler
I like coming out on stage and being like, this is the vibe. This is what we're doing. Let's bring it up.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And everybody, like, set the tone for everybody to follow the tone.
Mark Normand
You got to tell Jo Koy how to do this.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jo Koy's got a different tone.
Mark Normand
That's true. That's true. But, yeah, it was a great set. You just look so poised. You have no fear in your face. No nerves or anything.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, well, thank you.
Mark Normand
I don't know how you do it. I would have to run it over and over.
Chelsea Handler
Really?
Sam Morril
Yeah, yeah. We did a thing for Netflix where we just roasted the year, and we ran it to death.
Mark Normand
Oh, really?
Sam Morril
We did, like, a few a night because we did it together, and we just were playing off each other, and we did a few a night.
Mark Normand
It was tweaking and always rewriting and changing it.
Chelsea Handler
You know, I think it's probably from years of doing my talk shows and writing monologues every day that you just kind of get in the zone of monologue writing. So it's not like a feat. It's like, oh, I can write a monologue. That's the easiest thing for me to write, like, a comprehensive look at all the movies and what's nominated to me. I can take in information and regurgitate it pretty well. So that's a strength that I do have that I am good at. So, yeah, I don't overthink shit.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
Do you think about doing a talk show again? Was that something you want? No, no.
Chelsea Handler
My life is a fucking dream. I mean, there have been moments where the opportunities seem to present themselves or possible opportunities, and I just can't be tied to a studio for five days a In the same city. I would be. You know, I always say I'm open to talking about it, but I don't know. I'm a. I like to. I'm a wanderlust. I like to bounce around the world. We talked about this when you were on my podcast because you said you don't really like to travel.
Sam Morril
No, I like to travel, but I'm so burnt out from touring that I'm usually like, I just want to stay in New York for a while.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like to just. I don't like to sit still for long. Like, I go to Whistler I'm going to Whistler tomorrow. I have a ski place there. I spend my winters there. I have a nice little, like, you know, ski vibe going up there. And then. Why am I talking about this?
Mark Normand
Because you can do a show.
Sam Morril
Good listeners, by the way.
Chelsea Handler
I have so much. Yeah, good. Good job, guys. Good job.
Mark Normand
Married.
Chelsea Handler
I have so much freedom. My life is so free, and I feel so very. I feel like it is the most valuable thing that no one tells you about when you're growing up. Like, how to remain free.
Mark Normand
Right.
Chelsea Handler
And my freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one single fucking person about anything. I do.
Mark Normand
I gotta get a divor. No, I'm just kidding.
Chelsea Handler
I get to get a divorce. Amy's getting one.
Sam Morril
We got to run it back.
Mark Normand
Yeah, let's do it. But all right. I like that because, you know, people always say, would you ever do snl? And I'm like, that's a job. I'm a comic. I get to fuck around, write jokes, go on the road. It's great. I'm in a hotel room all day.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I like, as a woman also, like, there's a. I have a sense of real, like, fierce independence. Like, I'm very serious about not relying on another person for anything. And so I like the way that I've kind of created my life, and I take it pretty serious. Like, I take having a good time pretty seriously. I work my ass off, but when I'm not working, I'm having a really good time.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
And I think that that is really, like, a really valuable something I like to impart to a women because, you know, we try so hard sometimes, and you don't have to take things so seriously.
Mark Normand
Hear, hear.
Sam Morril
Yeah. I mean, we have a drinking podcast. We try not to take anything seriously. I mean, we'll complain about coming. We'll complain about coming to work. And then they're like, what are you doing for work? We're, like, getting drunk with my friend in the afternoon. Comedians talking hard. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Telling jokes. It's a good time.
Sam Morril
I heard you talk in one of the other monologues about how you were one of the first female talk show hosts, and now there's no female talk show hosts. Is there anyone you look at if you don't want to do it? You're like, she should have a talk show.
Chelsea Handler
I don't know. Talk shows don't seem to be.
Mark Normand
They're dying out.
Chelsea Handler
It's still not the thing right now.
Sam Morril
I think they need to revamp it, though.
Chelsea Handler
They need to re. Yeah, the Chelsea Lately style format would be great for somebody to do. I'm not interested in that. I would love for somebody to do it that's at least exciting. And you have, like, voices and comedians with different perspectives coming together and it's entertaining. So that's a nice. That's a nice, like, kind of format. But the talk show as it exists now, I mean, I think we're all kind of wrapped up. You know what I mean? No one's blowing us, like, away.
Mark Normand
That's why we're on a podcast. I mean.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, we're. Yeah. I mean, Netflix just bought my podcast.
Mark Normand
There you go.
Chelsea Handler
To put on Netflix. Like, our podcasts are turning into the talk shows that weren't supposed to be on camera.
Mark Normand
Hear, hear.
Chelsea Handler
I mean, it's just like a. Like a circular drain.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sam Morril
Well, you know what's weird is like when they had silent movies, the logical next step was talking movies.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sam Morril
This is not a logical next step. It's like we went backwards.
Chelsea Handler
It's like when the phones get. They start out small and then they get bigger and bigger. And then you're knocking on the phone on a fucking iPad and you're like, I thought we were having a flip phone. What happened? Everything is very cyclical. It just goes around and around and around. It's like, like, you know, like abc, NBC, cbs.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Then all this cable, and now they're all amalgamating and it's going to be three networks again.
Mark Normand
Boy, that's crazy.
Chelsea Handler
It kind of all just kind of comes back to the basic. It stills back down to what it started as.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Like, I listen to podcasts all day. It's just radio. I'm just back on radio, so. That's true. But that show of yours, people don't give it. It's due. It broke a ton of people. I was a young comic. I got to open for Sarah Colonna and all these comics. Natasha Leggero, because of your show. They all got a pop from that.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Mark Normand
I don't know where they're. Half of them are now, but they had a hell of a run.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, they did. They did.
Mark Normand
And that was.
Sam Morril
That started so nice and now you just insulted a bunch.
Mark Normand
Well, no, Fortune Feast. Just doing great. Bobby Lee's doing the best.
Chelsea Handler
Bobby Lee's doing great. Who else was on that show? Lots of people. Kevin. Yeah. Kevin Hart. Joe Boy. Whitney Spears.
Mark Normand
Whitney Spears.
Chelsea Handler
Whitney. What's Whitney's go.
Mark Normand
Cummings.
Chelsea Handler
Cummings, yeah. Whitney.
Sam Morril
Whitney Spears. Both dance with knives.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Has either one of you ever had sex with Whitney Cummings?
Mark Normand
No, no, no.
Sam Morril
We both try, but no, long enough.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, she's crazy.
Sam Morril
She's crazy.
Chelsea Handler
That would end badly.
Mark Normand
I tried. She gave me so many pills, I passed out. Couldn't get through it. But we've had her on here. She's fun.
Sam Morril
Yeah, Whitney's a good time.
Mark Normand
Yeah. But yeah, for all those people, that show is a launching pad. There was always a launching pad show, and that was one of them.
Sam Morril
Yeah, you made a lot of careers, a lot of comics careers. I think Josh Wolfe said he didn't really do stand up right before. I mean. Or may he didn't do it hard. I mean, a bunch of people we talked to, like, they were like, oh, shit, I gotta get good at stand up. Cause I'm on Chelsea's show.
Mark Normand
Right.
Sam Morril
You know.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, yeah. Cause it was a nice little, like, feeder for. Yeah, you could go and get. Yeah, it was a great show. It was a great time. It was seven years and then I was like, fuck this seven year itch. I can't really commit to things for like longer than seven years. Seven years is pretty much the. There's a reason why they say, like the seven year itch for work, for relationships, like. Like seven years is pretty much. Is like pushing the limit of something. Everyone needs a break.
Mark Normand
Yeah. No, I agree. You got something there.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I don't want to commit to anything for more than a couple of years at most. And the show, I don't like that kind of long term.
Mark Normand
The show is a hit, so why bring. You know, it's like asking Seinfeld do another sitcom. You know, it's. You did it, right? It's over.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, it's over. It's over a lot. Yeah. A lot of nostalgia. So that's nice though.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah. Would you do a talk show if you got offered?
Sam Morril
I mean, we're kind of. We kind of do one, as she said. I guess it's true. It's not like if you want a NBC type show, I don't know, I mean, like. Yeah, I like jokes. So I like, like the Weekend Update type thing. I like that type of thing.
Chelsea Handler
I like Bill Maher, even though I don't like Bill Maher. I like the show.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Chelsea Handler
Really watching that. I like that format. I like that, you know, it's a great format because that's a great. You're getting a great interview at the top, you're getting a great debate at the table and then he does his new rules and that's.
Sam Morril
And his writers are very good.
Chelsea Handler
The writers are great. And he's really smart and he could go back and forth and argue and he's not a pussy about it, you know, So I appreciate that show a lot. Yeah, I like that format cable.
Sam Morril
But you know, that in a sense is like a structured podcast more than a talk show. You know, it's. It's uncensored. There's no breaks.
Guest or Producer
I mean, it's.
Sam Morril
It doesn't feel like. I mean, even this has ad breaks.
Mark Normand
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Sam Morril
Yeah, this is pro linebacker TJ Watt. And I'm back with YPB by Abercrombie for another activewear drop. My second co design collection has new shorts and tanks that keep up with all my in season workouts. And their new Restore collection is a game changer off the field too, because even pro athletes like me need rest days. Shop YPB by Abercrombie in the app, online and in stores because your personal best is greater than anything.
Mark Normand
Oh, such a clutch off season pickup, Dave.
Sam Morril
I was worried we'd bring back the same team. I meant those blackout motorized shades. Lines.com made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds. Hard to install. No, it's easy. Installed these and then got some from my mom. She talked to a design consultant for free and scheduled a professional measure and install hall of Fame, son. They're the number one online retailer of custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat. Visit blinds.com now for up to 45%.
Mark Normand
Off site wide, plus a free professional measure.
Sam Morril
Rules and restrictions apply.
Mark Normand
That's true, but we don't have those annoying applause breaks. He gets an applause break every sentence. Like, all right, he's okay.
Chelsea Handler
So love when comics stand on stage and laugh at their own jokes. Jokes. He does a lot of.
Sam Morril
He didn't write half of them, probably. So he's like, this is the first time I'm hearing this.
Mark Normand
This is killer.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, maybe that's funny, but I don't love that. I don't love when people are, like, at their own. It's like, really? What are you laughing at?
Mark Normand
So you don't like a Chappelle?
Chelsea Handler
Is he laughing? I haven't seen that. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean. Yeah.
Sam Morril
I think it's a nervous. It's a nervous thing.
Chelsea Handler
You think Chappelle's nervous?
Sam Morril
No, but I think. But I think it's. Yeah, maybe performance. It's a tick. Yeah. No, I don't think he's nervous, but.
Chelsea Handler
I think it's like when I'm on stage to perform, you touch your lip.
Mark Normand
I've seen that a lot.
Chelsea Handler
You saw that once.
Mark Normand
Once.
Chelsea Handler
Something was on my lip.
Sam Morril
Yeah. It's interesting. You wrote, like, a bunch of books. I read. I read the Horizontal Life one. It's hilarious.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, you did?
Sam Morril
Yeah, it's very funny.
Chelsea Handler
That was about all my one night stand.
Sam Morril
It's a funny book.
Mark Normand
My wife is a stack of those books. Yeah. Big fan. I love that.
Sam Morril
How hard is that? To just sit down and do. How long does that take you?
Chelsea Handler
You know, it depends on where you are in your life. I mean, I've written a lot of books. It's kind of crazy. I mean, I'm the only person in my family who's never gone to college, and I have seven New York Times bestsellers, so I like to fucking rub that in their faces.
Mark Normand
Hell, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
My brothers and sisters, there's six of us and I'm the youngest, so that was nice. I mean, it's kind of crazy when I hear it, you know? And it's like, oh, you've written seven books and. But it's. It's a good. It's a good way to work your brain out. I mean, I'm all about, like, There's a lot of crossover with stand up in my books.
Mark Normand
Right. There's a lot of like, put some act in there.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I put a lot in my stand up. Or I'll take stuff from my books and be like, I've never done this on stage. I'll tell this story on stage. But yeah, I'm impressed with myself when I'm looking at this screen, I'm like, whoa, that is cool.
Mark Normand
I don't know how you did it.
Chelsea Handler
Good for you. The first book deal I ever got, I got 35. Everyone said no. Everyone said no. They're like this.
Sam Morril
And you pitch it as my one night stand.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Horizontal Life. A collection of one night stands. It was like 10 chapters about 10 different one night stands. And then everyone said no. They all passed. And then I got an offer from Bloomsbury, this UK publisher. They paid me $35,000 for my first book. That's what I got. Paid $35,000. Then they sold it in like 211 countries or something crazy. And so I got all this money coming in from like these Frankfurt book fairs and da, da, da. And I was like, this is amazing. Maybe I'll just be an author.
Mark Normand
Right?
Chelsea Handler
And every author's like, don't be an author. It's fucking a nightmare. But that was what I got for book was $35,000. And then my second book, I got $2 million.
Sam Morril
Oh, shit.
Chelsea Handler
And I was like, whoa.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Chelsea Handler
Holy shit.
Sam Morril
That's a nice jump.
Chelsea Handler
I know.
Mark Normand
Holy shit.
Chelsea Handler
I know. So that was really cool.
Mark Normand
Damn.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. And then sometimes, you know when you have a huge book hit, you just. You get these residuals every year and you're like, you get checks for like amounts of money you can't even imagine seeing really. And that just show up and you have no idea. So it's a great way to make a living. So whoever told me not to do that was an idiot.
Mark Normand
That's incredible.
Sam Morril
But it so rare, like writing a hit book.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Sam Morril
I don't feel like people don't read.
Mark Normand
Like Hitler wrote a book.
Sam Morril
He wrote a big one.
Mark Normand
He's got a big one.
Chelsea Handler
That was a beautiful book.
Mark Normand
Still selling? Yeah, it is quite well, actually.
Chelsea Handler
It's funny that they haven't banned that book.
Sam Morril
You're right. They're banning mouse, but not that.
Mark Normand
What the things are off? No, we have Nick Fuentes on next, but. Yeah, no, I have a. I have a baby now and I'm reading all these kids books.
Chelsea Handler
How did you get a baby?
Mark Normand
I don't know. Jizzing A lady.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, my God. How many babies do you have?
Mark Normand
Yeah, just one.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, that's too many.
Mark Normand
He's at a Somali daycare right now. No, but he. We have all these kids books, and they're so stupid. It's like the cat.
Sam Morril
I got you a couple of them, too.
Mark Normand
Thank you. Yeah, but it's like the cat went, meow. That's one page. Second page, like, the clock goes tick. And you're like, boy, this is a short book. Yeah. You're like, this guy's probably a zillionaire. Good night, Moon. That book's in every house in America.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, that's a good book.
Mark Normand
That's good.
Chelsea Handler
I mean, I'm still confused about where the moon and the sun are, but I agree. I mean, it didn't really lay anything out for me. Some holes in it, but the moon is subject matter.
Sam Morril
It's the rhythm, really. It's like.
Chelsea Handler
It's a constant.
Sam Morril
It's like a lullaby almost.
Mark Normand
Yes, yes. We do it before he falls asleep. He loves the book. But I don't get it. Cow jumps over the moon. That's a whole page. It's insane.
Sam Morril
Sounds like a sort of a Seinfeld bed.
Mark Normand
Well, see, that's a real book, though.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Mark Normand
I don't know what she's having.
Chelsea Handler
That's right.
Sam Morril
Yeah. Were there any authors here? Like, this is who I want to like. David Sedaris. I figured you'd say, yeah, he's so funny.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. I mean, I read his. I didn't realize, like, that you could write books that didn't connect to anything, that you could just write disparate chapters about whatever and have, like. So when I read David, like, I read Barrel Fever or, you know, naked or one of those at first, and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Mark Normand
This is.
Chelsea Handler
I could do this. This is what I want to do, is, like, write just 10 short stories and put them together like a book of essays. And as soon as I realized that you could do that and there's a formula for that, then I was like, oh, okay. So that's how. My first book. I mean, I've told David this. When I've seen him. I'm like, you're responsible for my writing career. He's like, I don't want that respons. But, yeah, he's. That's gotta be. That was like the first book. Barrel Fever was like, the first book that I had read where I just was fucking laughing out loud. Like, you know when you laugh out loud reading a book, like, that's not very common.
Sam Morril
No.
Mark Normand
No.
Chelsea Handler
So that was fun. And I loved that feeling that it invoked and evoked. I was like, this is cool. If I can make people, like, howl like this with my storytelling, then I would. That's exactly what I'm after.
Mark Normand
Totally, totally.
Chelsea Handler
And in the beginning of my career, it was very about the funny, funny, funny, funny. As I got older, it became more, you know, like, colorful and more evolved and, like, there was more depth. But in the beginning, it was just jokes. You know, I wanted people to laugh and make people laugh. So that was a great. It was great for me to be able to, like, use his template and make something totally.
Mark Normand
And I don't think there's a ton of books by women about, here's all the guys I fucked. That's why my wife was like, this is so cool. I've never read this shit before.
Chelsea Handler
I know.
Sam Morril
And that's where I read it. I was like, I've never heard a woman talk like this. I was kind of like, this is cool.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Well, yeah, because that's what we're all doing in our 20s. I mean, not all of us, but most of us, we're fucking guys. You know what I mean? Just, like, guys are fucking women, and then for some reason, we're not supposed to be talking about it.
Mark Normand
Right.
Chelsea Handler
Like, why not?
Mark Normand
I know. I agree.
Chelsea Handler
I want to talk about that stuff.
Mark Normand
Bring it on. And we want to hear it, because women are in the dark usually by that. So I'm like, let's. Let's get it out.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sam Morril
I feel like I was reading the other team's playbook. This is cool.
Mark Normand
Exactly.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Because we don't know what the hell's going on. So we want to. We want to hear your thoughts.
Chelsea Handler
You definitely don't know what's going on.
Guest or Producer
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
I feel bad for guys. You guys don't know what's going on.
Mark Normand
Clueless.
Chelsea Handler
What do you think is going on?
Sam Morril
I just know it's bad.
Mark Normand
It's a big question.
Sam Morril
That's all I know.
Mark Normand
Yeah. I don't know what's going on in that head, but we want to know. But then women get mad if you don't know. It's tough.
Chelsea Handler
It is hard. It must be hard for men because it's confusing. It's confusing. You're being told a lot of things, and you don't know which. What's right, what's wrong. You don't want to fuck up, but you can't help yourself.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And it's hard being a straight white guy. If you're sensitive and you feel like you're constantly being attacked by the female.
Mark Normand
Race or sex, I'm okay with that.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Mark Normand
I'm used to that. Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Well, that's good. That's a good attitude.
Mark Normand
But it's just tough because, you know, I think we go, women do this, or women are like that, but women are nuanced and different and complex, you know?
Chelsea Handler
Like, I feel like more like a dude than I feel like a woman. Even though I'm a woman.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
You know what I mean? I'm a woman, but my tendency is men. I want. I'm more like a guy. I'm not interested in the things that most girls are interested.
Mark Normand
Yes, exactly.
Chelsea Handler
I'm not looking for, you know, jewelry and boyfriends and that. I'm looking for, like, good times.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Casual sex. Randoms.
Mark Normand
Jesus.
Chelsea Handler
Travel, adventure. I'm like, you know, I'm like a thrill seeker.
Mark Normand
So it's too bad you're taken. I feel there's a real.
Chelsea Handler
There's something here between Sam and me.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, you feel chemistry with us.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah. Well, he likes blonde. He likes.
Chelsea Handler
Do you like blondes?
Sam Morril
I do. Do I? I guess I date a lot of blondes.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
I only know about Taylor Tomlinson. That you dated.
Sam Morril
I don't want to say the names of the others.
Ad Voice or Guest
Why not?
Sam Morril
I don't want to.
Chelsea Handler
Why? Nikki Glazer.
Sam Morril
No, I didn't.
Chelsea Handler
Who else is blonde? Amy Schumer.
Sam Morril
No. Other comics? No, no, no.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, okay. Any other comics?
Mark Normand
You dated Judy Gold for a minute?
Sam Morril
I. Judy Gold. Judy Gold, many times. Really? Yeah. Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Well, when was this?
Mark Normand
88.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Sam Morril
88. 88. I was two years old. It was. I used a strap on the. My dick wouldn't work yet, but I turned her.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Wow.
Sam Morril
She was like, this isn't working for me.
Chelsea Handler
You turned her into a comic. That's what you turned her into.
Mark Normand
She was like.
Chelsea Handler
She didn't do comedy before that, Right?
Mark Normand
Thanks a lot, Sam.
Sam Morril
No, no, But I feel like you spend your money on, like, memories and stuff, which is cool. Like, experiences and not super. Like, you're not. Doesn't seem, like, mature.
Chelsea Handler
I mean, I like nice things.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
But I'm also. Yeah, no, I like a nice, comfortable lifestyle, but I'm also not serious about, you know, marriage, children and all that stuff. That's never been in my purview. I'm not interested.
Mark Normand
To me, that's just log.
Chelsea Handler
Want to be untethered.
Mark Normand
I love this.
Chelsea Handler
You know, I don't want to check in with anyone. About what I'm up to.
Mark Normand
Hear, hear. You're speaking my language, sister.
Sam Morril
No, I get. Do you feel smothered easily in a relationship? I totally sense that, yeah.
Mark Normand
Do you, do you know what I'm saying?
Chelsea Handler
I mean, do you feel smothered when you.
Sam Morril
Yes, of course. Anything. I also, yeah. If they start doing stuff in my apartment, I start to be like, oh, this is making me crazy. Like, I had a girl over and she just put one of my sweatshirts in the dirty laundry bin. And it wasn't dirty.
Mark Normand
And I was like, just a little thing colonizing.
Sam Morril
Another thing that I'll give you another peeve was I had a girl over and we, we had dinner pretty late and she's like, let's get into bed. And I was like, no, what is this, my 600 pound life? I don't want to get in a fucking bed. We just ate. I want to like sit up for a while.
Mark Normand
Yes. And digest.
Sam Morril
It annoyed me. I don't want to.
Chelsea Handler
That's really funny. That is not a thing on my radar. But I've heard like three people say similar things to what you just said in the last couple of months going, I can't fuck you when I'm this full. Full fucking.
Sam Morril
You know, she meant getting to bed to go to sleep. She didn't even mean to fall.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, oh, oh.
Sam Morril
I could have figured out sex that bloated. It would have been awful, but I would have done it.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, right, right. You can't go to sleep full. Yeah, sometimes I need like a half a bagel to go to sleep. Like if I wake up at four in the morning and I'm like, I'm like, I have to have a bite of something so I can go back to sleep.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
I eat in the middle of the night a lot. I eat a lot. I have to eat very frequently. I don't eat a lot, but I eat, eat often.
Mark Normand
Yeah, but you've had some fun relationship. How is. Fitty is having a hell of a moment.
Chelsea Handler
I love what he's doing at Titty.
Mark Normand
He's killing.
Chelsea Handler
I love what Fitty's doing. A Diddy.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
He's relentless. Fitty's great. He's great. Probably revisit that.
Mark Normand
Hell yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, People like that a lot.
Sam Morril
I bet a lot of his exes are like, we should run it back. That was pretty cool.
Chelsea Handler
You know, he would. I'm the only one he doesn't ever talk about.
Mark Normand
Like, I know.
Chelsea Handler
Apparently the whole like. Yeah. Because I did. I heard somebody was Saying that he talks about all of his exes, and I'm one of the only ones he talks about respectfully. And I was like, he's not gonna have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream for him. I was a dream.
Sam Morril
You didn't ask for anything out of him?
Chelsea Handler
No, no, no.
Sam Morril
If anything, you may be the first person that felt smothered by 50 Cent.
Chelsea Handler
You know what I didn't like about 50 Cent is he doesn't do drugs, and I do drugs. And so it was very shocking to find out that. What's this from?
Guest or Producer
He's in the new Street Fighter movie.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, is he?
Guest or Producer
He's playing this character here.
Chelsea Handler
It's funny how he. Look, look. Yeah, look at him. He's. Yeah, he's gotten bigger, tough look. But he. To my house with, like, different cars. When we were dating, I had this house on Mandeville Canyon, and he would get, like, a Ferrari or get, like a Rolls Royce for the day. It's like a borrow from these dealerships. And he would show up at my house in a different fucking souped up car all the time. And I didn't understand how that was working. And then I found out that he just goes and he's like, 50 Cent. And he's like, hey, I'm gonna borrow this Rolls Royce for the week or whatever, or for the day. Give it to me for a test drive. So then one day I went and I was like, all right, I'm gonna fuck with him. And I went and got a chocolate Bentley. And I was like, all right. But I bought it. I didn't know you could borrow it. Bought a Bentley.
Mark Normand
What's a half a mil?
Chelsea Handler
And then we broke up. So I'm driving around in a chocolate Bentley with, like, cream leather seats for, like, four years, like a dick. You know, like this blonde go driving back and forth to the studio in my Bentley.
Sam Morril
That's a story, though.
Chelsea Handler
Car is. But the car was so gorgeous. But it's like a $350,000 car. It's absolutely unnecessary.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Chelsea Handler
Chocolate, too. Yeah. So that was fun. I got. Yeah.
Mark Normand
And chocolate.
Chelsea Handler
So I got it as a joke, and then I was like, well, I guess I. I guess I'm stuck with this car.
Mark Normand
Damn, that is hilar.
Sam Morril
So he just pulls up and was like, can I have this car for two weeks? And they just give him a car.
Chelsea Handler
Or you're a loner, like, for a day or two. He's like, oh, I want to try this yellow Ferrari.
Mark Normand
Wow. That's how we do like with jackets. He's just doing that with cars. Like I want to mix it up. Damn, that's pretty badass.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I have a fun dating history. I date a lot of fun people.
Sam Morril
50 Cent.
Chelsea Handler
50 Cent, that's a little big. I got a guy now that's coming in. He's flying in right now to meet me. We're going to go to the Knicks game tonight. I have Fallon after this.
Mark Normand
Hell yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Gonna go do Fallon. He's gonna show up at Fallon. We're gonna. The Knicks game. We're gonna bet money on that game. We're gonna see pro, I'm assuming.
Mark Normand
Oh, baby.
Chelsea Handler
My sister's gonna join us and then I'm gonna go have sex with him in my hotel room and then I'm gonna fly to Whistler tomorrow. So, I mean, things are good.
Mark Normand
Life. This is your life.
Sam Morril
I do. I go to a lot of Knicks games.
Mark Normand
No commitment.
Chelsea Handler
Do you go to a lot of game? Are you going tonight to the next game?
Sam Morril
No, I went on Christmas. That was an awesome one.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, that's.
Sam Morril
They're on a four game losing skid.
Chelsea Handler
Right now, but they're going to change it tonight.
Sam Morril
They're going to win tonight.
Guest or Producer
Watch.
Sam Morril
Yeah, this is the game. They need it.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, they're playing the. They're playing the Clippers. Right?
Mark Normand
The Clippers, is it.
Sam Morril
He's a Clippers fan back there. The Clippers, are they good? No, they have good players.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, look at this guy I dated, Ted Harbert. Oh my God, that's embarrassing.
Mark Normand
I don't know Harbor.
Chelsea Handler
He had. He used to run the E. Network when I was there and then we broke up.
Mark Normand
Awkward.
Chelsea Handler
While I was, you know, he was my boss. That was really.
Sam Morril
How does that. What do you do in that situation?
Chelsea Handler
I just had to move out. That was the animal trainer I dated dates. He was. He was what?
Mark Normand
A man. Can you put me in a cage?
Sam Morril
Good looking dude.
Mark Normand
Like Canadian.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, he was Canadian.
Mark Normand
That's no good.
Sam Morril
Wow.
Chelsea Handler
It's like I don't have a type.
Sam Morril
You guys, you're all over the map. This is cool.
Chelsea Handler
This is. Oh yeah, there's Andre Balage. He looks real up.
Sam Morril
Other than 50, you kind of have a type though.
Chelsea Handler
What's the type?
Sam Morril
This is a hunk, kind of like handsome older dude. I don't know, dapper.
Chelsea Handler
Well, now I'm going younger. The guy I'm dating now is 36. I had to flip it and reverse it cuz now I'm 50. So I have to like, you know, go in the Opposite direction.
Sam Morril
Okay. You don't have a type. I take it back.
Mark Normand
Take it all back.
Sam Morril
You definitely don't have a type. Jeez, that was a curveball right there.
Mark Normand
No one saw that.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, Joe Coy is a curveball. Are you guys friends with Joe Coy?
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah. Sweetest man on the planet.
Sam Morril
I don't think I've ever met him.
Chelsea Handler
Shut up.
Sam Morril
I know, I know.
Chelsea Handler
Is that possible, Sam?
Sam Morril
I don't know. We've never crossed paths.
Mark Normand
He's a two hand. Hello, how are you? He's one of those guys. He's all heart.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. He is a sweet. He's a sweet guy.
Mark Normand
And I think one of the top grossing comedians last year. He's in the top 10. He does very well.
Guest or Producer
Nice.
Mark Normand
He's got a plaque at the Irvine Improv. Most shows sold. I think it was 31.
Sam Morril
Holy. Would want to be an Irvine for 31 shows.
Chelsea Handler
Joe Koi.
Sam Morril
That's crazy. It's a great club. I love that.
Chelsea Handler
I do like that. I like to warm up my shows when I'm doing a new hour. I like to go to the Irvine Improv. That's a fun club. Brea Improv 2 is fun.
Mark Normand
I'm there in a week.
Chelsea Handler
And you know what else I like? Zany's Nashville. That's a fun class. Zanies, they're just, I always said, you know. Oh, wow. $20 million.
Mark Normand
Might have to give him a call.
Chelsea Handler
Sebastian Moniscalico. $42 million. Is this for last year?
Sam Morril
20.
Mark Normand
25, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, wow.
Mark Normand
It's only a few shows. It's like It'll do like 60 shows in a year and make that much money.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, there's nikki on there. $19.5 million.
Mark Normand
I just sent her jokes for the gold Golden Globes. Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, yeah, she's got that this weekend.
Mark Normand
Second time, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sam Morril
No, she killed it. I thought.
Mark Normand
I thought she killed it. Wow, look at that. Nate Bargazzi, man. Clean comedy. That's the way to go. Seems too late for us, dude. Yeah, you're right.
Sam Morril
We missed that boat.
Mark Normand
20 minutes on pedos.
Chelsea Handler
Ah, that's funny.
Mark Normand
Damn. All right. Sorry.
Sam Morril
I remember seeing you at Caroline's way back in the day, open for a tell. And I was like, she's funny. It was you and Big J Och. And it was a good show. I was like, this is pretty cool.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, Davis. I mean, that was like the first. One of the first gigs I ever did was the San Francisco punchline.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Chelsea Handler
And I was open. Zach Elifianakis was the Middle. And David Tell was the headliner.
Sam Morril
Holy shit.
Chelsea Handler
Talk about a week of. It was so. And I was very green and new, and I had no idea what I was doing, and I was doing terribly. And they were so good to me and so nice to me, and I had so. I was so broke. That Zach Elephant. Did I tell you this story when you did my podcast? Zach Alifanakis, he was staying at the Commodore Hotel because that's where they would put us up. Or the real acts. You know, when you're opener, you're not get bidding. Put up anywhere. You're making fucking $50 a night or something. I went to the Improv the other day in LA and they gave me a check for $1,000. Or the comedy Store, they gave me a check for a thousand dollars for my set. I'm like, what? What is this? And they're like, that's how much you get paid now? I'm like, a thousand dollars. I'm like, I got paid $10.
Sam Morril
This isn't happening in New York right now.
Chelsea Handler
It's not.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Chelsea Handler
I went to the improv, I made 500, and at the Comedy Store, they gave Thousand dollars. That's cash.
Sam Morril
Cash.
Chelsea Handler
They handed me cash. Yeah. I think I turned around and just gave it straight to the waitress because I was like, this is unexpected. Anyway, I was. Oh. So we were at the Commodore Hotel, and I couldn't really afford. You know, I was broke and. And Zach's like, you know, you can sleep. I was sleeping. Crashing at someone's house. And he goes, you could sleep in my hotel room if you want. I won't. I won't do anything. And I was like, you know, Zach's very not threatening. And I was like, okay. So I'd sleep, and then every night we. I'd get in bed and he'd sleep, and I'd be like, okay. You know, and he would go. And he'd come and whisper in my ear, and he'd go, I will never rape you.
Sam Morril
That's really funny.
Mark Normand
That's comedy.
Guest or Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Zach was a sweetheart. He was a real sweet.
Sam Morril
That line's all about the delivery, too. You really gotta.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And Zach is just. Zach is one of the funniest people of all time. I remember when I was at the Montreal Comedy Festival for the first time. Time. And I bombed so badly, I ate shit. And I was like the it girl. And everyone was there to see me, and it was like, huge stakes for me. And I was like, in my. I was 28 or something. I was so nervous and I get up and I ate it, you know, just green. Like, started doing it really fast and didn't get the response I wanted and just started panicking. And Zach, I got off stage and everyone in the industry, it was like standing room only. That was my shot. And they were like, you know, she's. This is that girl. This is way too premature. She's not ready.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And I get off stage and Zach walks me back to my hotel room and he's like, you're gonna want to be alone now. He's like, there's nothing I can do to help you. You're just gonna have to sit here and deal with this.
Mark Normand
Damn.
Chelsea Handler
And yeah. And I was like, okay, thank you for that great advice. And then I ended up going back to la. And there was one executive that didn't see me perform. Her name was Grace Wu from NBC. She still works at Peacock, and she wanted to see my set. And I did it at Luna park on a Tuesday night in LA and crushed it. And I got my first development deal at NBC for my own show. But it was literally 72 hours after, like the worst failure of my professional life. And I thought it was over, over. And I'm like, obviously I can't be a comic. Everyone thinks I suck now.
Mark Normand
Right.
Chelsea Handler
And there was one person, and I like to tell that story because that's crazy. People to know, you know, you never know when something's coming right around the corner.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Your biggest failures.
Mark Normand
Yes. That's rare.
Chelsea Handler
It's crazy happen that you're not expecting.
Mark Normand
How about that happy ending?
Ad Voice or Guest
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Did you have any big failures?
Sam Morril
Many.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sam Morril
Horrible shows. I remember Broadway Comedy club. This one sticks in my mind. A guy spat on me while I was on stage. Felt pretty rough.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, that is rough.
Sam Morril
It sucks when you hear the. And you're like, that's gonna end badly for me.
Mark Normand
I was drinking a lot at the time. Yeah, we've all had though. I've bombed on the Conan's or the late nights before.
Sam Morril
Yeah. There's so many. Oh, yeah. My first Conan. I like the jokes. I don't like the set. Some of those late night.
Chelsea Handler
How do you like the jokes and not like the set?
Sam Morril
Cause I'd run the jokes and I liked them. I just thought they were just so tight. Sometimes the crowd's just tight. Oh, you know, it's five o' clock in Burbank.
Chelsea Handler
It's not like I just remember, you know what I remember about, like the first. I would Ever do, like, Jay Leno? I was a correspondent for Jay for a few times, and then they had me do standup. And that level of nervousness, from the beginning of our careers, I almost miss that level of scared.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Like, I. That is an electrifying feeling. It's not welcome, necessarily. You don't love it, but it's. It really means you're in it. Like, sometimes I want. I wish I could feel that scare.
Sam Morril
It means you're in it, but it also means that you might be not equipped yet to handle this moment. Cause I remember I did a roast at the Friars Club when I was, like, 21, and I bombed so fucking hard. It was for Omarosa from the Apprentice, and, oh, my God, did I bomb? And Paul Mooney's the roastmaster, and he bombed, too. And he gave me the worst intro ever. I ate it. The intro was like. I had no credit. So I think my intro was like, this comedian likes Sam Kinison and Bill Hicks and Richard Prince Prior. I knew all of them. They're all dead. Sam Morrell. I was like, all right. It panned to me being like. Like, panicking bombed. And I remember Rich Voss going on after me, and he bombed his first line.
Chelsea Handler
He goes, rich Voss still alive?
Sam Morril
Yeah, he is. He is. Barely. But he. His first line was, he bombed. Whatever he said. And then he goes, if you guys don't laugh, I'm bringing Sam back up.
Mark Normand
And that crushed.
Sam Morril
And I was like, ooh. That was that moment. I was like, ooh. I was like, should I not do this? This is. That was one of those for sure.
Mark Normand
Yeah. That's a good line.
Sam Morril
It was. I. I had to give it to him.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Guest or Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Damn. I don't know.
Chelsea Handler
I've never done a roast. I feel like that's just because it's like a hat on a hat. I mean, all I do is roast people. I'm not even intentionally trying to roast people, but they feel roasted by me. So for me to formally roast people, it would be like another level of roasting.
Sam Morril
Right?
Chelsea Handler
It would be like. It's almost like Hitler esque. Anyone really need that?
Sam Morril
You did roast people.
Chelsea Handler
Does anyone need. Really. Whoopsie doodle.
Mark Normand
I gotta ask. When you were at the SF Punchline, was Dave still drinking then?
Chelsea Handler
Yes.
Mark Normand
Oh, boy.
Chelsea Handler
He was crazy. Yeah, he. Yeah, he was on the tail end of his drinking, and it was clear that he was not going to be able to continue that. But Jeff Wills, you know Jeff Wills.
Mark Normand
Yeah, sure. A lot of shows.
Chelsea Handler
Those were the days where Jeff Wills ran, like, San Francisco and Cobbs, and then they bought Cobbs. So that was, like, San Francisco's a really fun town for me. Like, I love that. And my sister lives there. I'm always. I like that for comedy. I like doing shows there. And Jeff Wills. And I, like. I remember, like, he was there that week was Zach, and now he runs Live Nation. So, you know, he's. It's a different situation. But I've known him for so long, and we were just all. So we just would just get shithoused every single night.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
That's the first time I slept with a comedian. Was in. Oh, yeah. This is who I slept with.
Mark Normand
All right.
Chelsea Handler
I opened for Tom Rhodes.
Mark Normand
Oh, whoa.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Mark Normand
I had sex with sexy guy.
Sam Morril
Yes.
Chelsea Handler
And he had this great joke about a penguin and penguins recognizing each other. You know, they're monogamous penguins.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And so they go.
Sam Morril
I love comedians. They're not like, normal women.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
She's like, you know what did it for me? The penguin joke. That's when I got wet.
Chelsea Handler
Joke going. I could imagine they separate. The males and the females separate for, like, months, I guess, too, because they're. They. Yeah. They get pregnant, and they have to go and give birth to their babies and separate from the husbands, I guess. And then they come back, back, and they all see each other from across, you know, the iceberg or wherever they are.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And. And then he goes, can you imagine seeing another penguin and being like, that's my baby. Like, recognizing her out of a lineup.
Mark Normand
That's a great bit.
Chelsea Handler
And I remember thinking, oh, God, this guy's funny. And then I had sex with him, and that was the first time I ever had sex with a comedian.
Mark Normand
He said it was amazing.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, he would say that. I'm sure.
Mark Normand
I asked him about it.
Ad Voice or Guest
Sure.
Mark Normand
Because he mentioned it on Marin's pod.
Chelsea Handler
Did he?
Mark Normand
Yeah. And he said it was so hot. And then he did it again, and it wasn't. And it wasn't hot.
Chelsea Handler
No. I got my period. It was.
Mark Normand
Oh, well, that's not anybody's fault.
Chelsea Handler
No. Well, it was his fault, and I will always blame him. It's kind of like, don't go to a good restaurant twice in a row. You know, if you have a great meal, give it a minute, Leave it alone. We met up again. It was not.
Mark Normand
Hot damn.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. So I did. He did come up to me, actually, at an airport a few months ago. I was at lax, and I was with my cousin, and I just thought it was, like, a fan. And he said, chelsea Handler And I was like, oh, hi. And he goes, it's Tom Rhodes. And I was like, oh, hi. And he walked away. My cousin goes, did you sleep with that guy? Yeah, totally.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Period.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, but I haven't slept with a lot of comics. Just Tom Rhodes. Jo Koy. And I'm wondering if I'm forgetting someone, but I don't think I am.
Mark Normand
Matt Rife.
Chelsea Handler
No Matt Rife.
Mark Normand
Well, you like young guys.
Chelsea Handler
No, no, no.
Mark Normand
Rich.
Chelsea Handler
No Rich. You think I need rich?
Mark Normand
Rich boss.
Sam Morril
You don't need Ky with Rich. All that spit.
Chelsea Handler
Wait, go back. I want to see the present day pictures of Tom Rhodes.
Mark Normand
Tom Rhodes.
Chelsea Handler
If. If Marc Maron wasn't sober, I would have had sex with him at some point.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Sam Morril
What is about Marin?
Chelsea Handler
Do you think I like Marin because he's really sensitive and he's really smart, and he's on the right side of things. You know, kind of like social justice. Yeah. This is an older man now. Sure, but I mean, I'm an older woman now. I'm 50.
Sam Morril
He looks good. He still looks good.
Chelsea Handler
He's cute. He's cute.
Mark Normand
Ah, he's a sweetie.
Chelsea Handler
Is he still. He's still doing stand up in the.
Mark Normand
Cellar all the time.
Sam Morril
I saw him a few.
Mark Normand
Great guy.
Guest or Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Good dude. Period sex. I had no idea.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, that always kind of is a buzzkill.
Sam Morril
If you put down a towel, it's fine.
Chelsea Handler
You don't know the person.
Sam Morril
You have an old ratty towel for the.
Mark Normand
It's fine if you're in a relationship.
Chelsea Handler
But if you don't know the person, it's always a little bit.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Periods are buzz kill on many levels.
Sam Morril
It's fine.
Mark Normand
But then women get hornier on their period, don't they? That's what I've heard.
Chelsea Handler
I don't know.
Mark Normand
Give that a go. I don't know. How do you Google that?
Guest or Producer
Anyway, do you guys have any peeves? Did you come with any things that are bothering you lately?
Chelsea Handler
Sure, I can think of plenty.
Mark Normand
We usually do peeves on the show. I do have one if you want.
Chelsea Handler
To start and then.
Mark Normand
All right, I'll buy everybody some time. I ever have this one. A guy is late. You're meeting someone, they're late, and they show up with coffee and a snack. I'm like, you were already late and you have coffee that you obviously stop for and a snack.
Sam Morril
It's like. It's like the Elaine Seinfeld where she gets the jujubes.
Mark Normand
Right?
Sam Morril
The guys in the hospital.
Mark Normand
Exactly.
Sam Morril
I'm with you. That's a piece.
Chelsea Handler
I don't like when people call you when you're meeting them. When you're about to meet someone and they call you on the phone, it's either just show up.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Text me. Don't call me on the phone when I'm about to see you.
Mark Normand
We're about to meet.
Chelsea Handler
I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls or people who can't walk into a place unless you're with them. Like, are you here yet?
Mark Normand
Are you here yet?
Chelsea Handler
I fucking hate that shit. It's like, just go inside and ask for the fucking table. You don't need me to get in.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Chelsea Handler
I don't like that. I don't like unnecessary phone calls. I don't like FaceTimes.
Mark Normand
Oh, I hate FaceTimes.
Chelsea Handler
I hate when people FaceTime me. I find that in troubling.
Mark Normand
I agree. And what about the people on the plane FaceTiming before the flight takes up?
Chelsea Handler
Like, what are you crazy?
Sam Morril
No headphones thing? I'm gonna. I had a guy, no headphones, doing it.
Chelsea Handler
Every time someone does that without a headphone, you have got to say something. Because I always do. I say, I'm so sorry. Do you have a set of headphones? Cause I'm wearing like. You think that. No, no. You have to.
Mark Normand
Well, the white guilt kicks in. I don't know what to do.
Chelsea Handler
Well, I mean, don't say it to a black person.
Sam Morril
So with a black person, you can't say anything.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, Well, I mean, I try not to tell black people, but I definitely tell white guys what to do. And white women, I will do if they're older than me. If it's an elderly woman, I won't. Then I give them a pass.
Mark Normand
That's true. That's true.
Chelsea Handler
But a regular person, you should know better. I don't want to.
Sam Morril
What if you hit them with one of these? I'm so sorry. I know you're black. Would you mind just keeping it down? What if. Yeah, maybe you.
Mark Normand
That's actually about fitty.
Sam Morril
No, I think those are both good peeves. I wrote down a few peeves. One of them was the eating in bed.
Mark Normand
Eating in bed?
Chelsea Handler
I eat in bed.
Sam Morril
No, no, I meant eating before you get into bed.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, okay.
Mark Normand
Right, right.
Sam Morril
Let's see, what else? Ooh. These are mostly just women. This is mostly a woman who's been staying with me. Every light is dimmed. I turn on the light, she dims every light. So I go to the bathroom and I press, turn the light on. And it's just dim, dimmed. And I'm like, I don't need to take a shit in the dark.
Mark Normand
Are they overhead?
Chelsea Handler
Maybe you do, maybe you do.
Mark Normand
No, women don't like. My wife hates overhead lighting.
Chelsea Handler
Listen, we do not get along with overhead lighting. It is not a good look. Side lighting is the best, Okay? I dated a hotelier. He taught me all about lighting. You want it coming from the side, not above.
Sam Morril
Really.
Chelsea Handler
It shows every blemish. It shows cellulite. It shows everything you don't want to see is overhead lighting. So you want to appreciate people dimming that. If you don't have sensible lighting at your place, then you're going to have to have the lights dimmed. I don't like bright lights ever.
Mark Normand
I don't like.
Chelsea Handler
It's annoying.
Sam Morril
You know, the lights in here bright.
Mark Normand
Well, it's a shoot.
Chelsea Handler
It's okay. There's darkness in the room, so that's better. If it were all bright, it would be a little bit too much made.
Mark Normand
All right, good to know. But I'm with you on the.
Sam Morril
My.
Mark Normand
My parents were all about lamps and I hate lamps. Like, give me a light in the room.
Chelsea Handler
I kind of like lamps.
Mark Normand
I. I got. I can't see anything.
Chelsea Handler
Mean, but too much.
Sam Morril
It's too many things.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a lot of things with lamps, for sure. And all the different switches. How about when you're in a hotel room and there's like a master switch that turns on all the other lights and you're like, wait, wait, wait. I just want this.
Sam Morril
I kind of like that one, though, because that one, I can just turn it all off.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, but I need a little light at night to like, get my together before I go to bed. Sure.
Mark Normand
Well, how about those hotels with the key thing to turn all the lights on?
Sam Morril
The energy saver.
Mark Normand
Very European light on. Yeah, I gotta have an extra key now. It's crazy.
Sam Morril
Yeah, it does annoy me.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I hate that you go to.
Sam Morril
Like, Italy or something. They all do that.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
Energy savers.
Chelsea Handler
Well, I think we also need to get on the same page with voltage internationally.
Mark Normand
Agree.
Chelsea Handler
You know, this. This is ridiculous. Every time I go anywhere, I blow up a hairdryer and I just want us all to be on the same voltage.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Why? It's only American that did this. We. We're the ones that are the problem.
Sam Morril
There's a few others, right?
Chelsea Handler
No, we, America, Europeans are all on the same page. Even South America is on the same page with Europe. It's America. North America specifically. We're the that decided we needed bigger voltage and more voltage.
Sam Morril
Why do we do this?
Chelsea Handler
Because we're greedy and we need more.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Big appliances, more electronics.
Chelsea Handler
That's why we're going to invade Greenland. Because we're greedy and we need more.
Mark Normand
Are we?
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, it looks like it.
Mark Normand
Oh, geez. I didn't know that.
Chelsea Handler
Lots of things going around.
Mark Normand
Yikes.
Sam Morril
Exciting.
Mark Normand
Yeah. I'm still on Maduro. I didn't know we were moving to Greenland.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah. Venezuela, then Cuba, then Greenland.
Mark Normand
Holy moly, look at that sweatsuit.
Chelsea Handler
Look at that guy. He's like, fuck, my life is over.
Sam Morril
Yeah, it's a blindfold because it looks like a sleeping mask.
Chelsea Handler
It looks like a virtual reality mask.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sam Morril
Oculus.
Chelsea Handler
Yes.
Guest or Producer
You get sleep on that flight. Like over here. Is he like, I'll get some Z's in here.
Sam Morril
I think he's pissed.
Guest or Producer
So me time.
Mark Normand
I bet he didn't because they brought the wife too. So he's like, oh, come on. You couldn't give me a moment?
Sam Morril
I got another peeve.
Mark Normand
Is okay.
Sam Morril
Is going to dinner with a picky eater. The. The many substitutions, it makes me crazy. Just order the fucking thing.
Mark Normand
I'm with you. I am so picky because now they're.
Sam Morril
Looking at you and I'm like, I'm sorry.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I'm pretty specific about when I order a cocktail. I need the right ratio of ice to drink and lamination. I'm very specific about my drinks.
Mark Normand
That's not bad.
Chelsea Handler
But food. I agree with you.
Sam Morril
A lot of substitutions.
Chelsea Handler
Or just don't order it.
Mark Normand
Exactly. Exactly.
Sam Morril
Makes me crazy.
Mark Normand
We hang out with comics. They're all 8 year olds in an adult body.
Chelsea Handler
Cheeseburgers and French fries.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I can have chicken fingers, French fries, and a hot dog. That's all I can eat.
Chelsea Handler
Where do you guys spend most of your time? At the Cellar.
Sam Morril
Yeah. Yeah, you should come to the Cellar. Where else in New York? New York.
Mark Normand
Comedy.
Sam Morril
Comedy club's cool.
Mark Normand
There's all kinds of cool.
Chelsea Handler
The New York comedy club.
Sam Morril
There's three of them now. Upper west side, 24th street and 4th Street. That'? Gotham. I like Gotham.
Mark Normand
Gotham, Solid. Yeah. Yeah.
Sam Morril
But mostly the Cellar and the Road.
Mark Normand
Come on by.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Mark Normand
You ever get Jones? You ever Jones for an asset?
Sam Morril
No, but it's a good hang. To the Olive Tree is fun.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Sam Morril
You get a good group down there?
Chelsea Handler
Around there before, but I don't. Yeah, I don't usually do sets when I'm in New York. When I'm In New York I like to party, you know.
Sam Morril
What are some bars you hit up when you're in New York?
Chelsea Handler
Went to the People's Lounge last night. The People's Lounge? I don't know place. This private club. It was so fun.
Sam Morril
It's like a members club.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, maybe. I don't know if it was a members club, but I went to. Where did it go last night?
Mark Normand
Well, you gotta go to different places than the Common Man.
Chelsea Handler
No, no, I don't. I could go out.
Mark Normand
You gotta get a bon party.
Chelsea Handler
I like what you're pulling up here. Pictures of restaurants. Is that. Oh, this is People's Lounge. Oh yeah, that is People's. Okay, great.
Sam Morril
It's. Where else do you hit up last night?
Chelsea Handler
I went to San Vicente Bungalows, but that's only because my friends told me to meet them there. I don't like private clubs like that. I don't like giving my people money for me to.
Mark Normand
To come there.
Chelsea Handler
That's so stupid. I find that offensive.
Sam Morril
Especially in New York when there's so much cool places.
Chelsea Handler
I went to S'. Mores, this like Israeli restaurant. Have you ever eaten there?
Sam Morril
I have. I've never heard of it.
Chelsea Handler
It's really good. I went there with my friend Juliana Margulies. Another super gym.
Mark Normand
Oh, I love her.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, we went to dinner and then I met.
Sam Morril
We know of her. We don't know her.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, and then I was out and then. Yeah, when I'm in New York, I like to go out.
Sam Morril
Yeah, it's fun.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, it's like. It's so much more fun here than LA. LA is really? Yeah, LA is a little boring.
Sam Morril
What's it to be going a cool bar for us to go to when we're in LA next time?
Chelsea Handler
I don't know.
Mark Normand
They roll it up so early in la. Everything shuts down at night.
Chelsea Handler
You can't get a drink after 10 o' clock at night in LA. It's like it's never recovered from COVID.
Sam Morril
You know what's a cool place to drink actually is just a bar area that plays Formosa. That's a cool looking bar. That's cool. Yeah, but yeah, I'm with you. I don't really know LA bars.
Mark Normand
No, not really.
Sam Morril
And we're. We. We're rarely there together, but it'd be fun to go. Like when we did podcasts out there. That was fun.
Mark Normand
That was fun. Yeah, and I don't really want to go to a Sunset Strip bar. That feels weird. You want to find like a real interesting find.
Chelsea Handler
A cool place. There are cool places. Mostly in Los Feliz is a little bit cooler. Brentwood in the west side, it's just too. Nothing's happening over there. It's all family. It's very suburban. I live in Brentwood. I don't know why I live there. I don't know what I'm doing there. I need to leave.
Sam Morril
Would you ever move?
Guest or Producer
I want to live.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I would like to live.
Sam Morril
Hey, New York's cool.
Mark Normand
Welcome back.
Chelsea Handler
I want to buy an apartment in New York. And I would. I was going to, but then my house. I bought my house from RFK Jr. Whoa. And it fucking feels like it. It's been about four years.
Sam Morril
Did it come with supplements, renovations?
Chelsea Handler
I'm not joking.
Mark Normand
The dead bears everywhere.
Chelsea Handler
It's a disaster, this house, it's cursed. It has been a nightmare in my life, and I still do not live there. Four years of renovating a house in la. So that's why I don't spend a lot of time in la, because I have a bad taste in my mouth from being robbed by a contractor.
Mark Normand
Oh, shit.
Chelsea Handler
So it's done now. So I'll go back there at the end of ski season and live. But I'm looking to get a place in New York. I was about to buy this apartment downtown before all this happened, and then all of a sudden.
Sam Morril
What neighborhood?
Chelsea Handler
Chelsea. I'm going to live inside myself. Sam.
Mark Normand
No, I had to get it in.
Sam Morril
What are your favorite cities to hit on the road?
Chelsea Handler
I like dc.
Mark Normand
Love dc.
Chelsea Handler
I love Boston.
Sam Morril
Boston.
Chelsea Handler
Boston. Boston theater. I love that venue. I love dar. The Daughters of American Revolution building. I like that building in dc. I love Chicago theater.
Mark Normand
Yep, the best.
Chelsea Handler
Seattle is one of my hotspots.
Mark Normand
That's a great one.
Chelsea Handler
I just started doing Louisville, Kentucky, only because I went with Jo Koy once and he was playing the Palace Theater. And I was like, Louisville. And then I did a show and I, you know, I usually stay away from cities like that because I'm like, what's going on in Kentucky? But there's always a liberal component of, you know, a group of people in these cities, even if they. They're real red states that are so grateful for you when you do come through that. I was like, oh, this is actually really fun because there's like a huge, you know, gay and community there. So I'm doing. So I'll do places like that. Cause I like that. I like to, you know, kind of. I won't go to really, like, Florida. Not. I'm not interested In Florida.
Mark Normand
Really?
Sam Morril
I'm taping my next special in Tampa.
Chelsea Handler
Are you?
Sam Morril
Tampa theater, Beautiful theater.
Mark Normand
Is it? Good crowd?
Sam Morril
Yeah. You know what? It's a really good comedy city. I think Tampa, really great comedy. I think so. Yeah. I think very underrated. And theater. Theater's just gorgeous.
Chelsea Handler
What about Orlando?
Sam Morril
I like Orlando.
Chelsea Handler
Jacksonville, Miami.
Sam Morril
Miami's tough. Miami's tough.
Mark Normand
Is it?
Sam Morril
They just. I don't think they care about comedy. I think they all have, like, you want people with real jobs. You don't want people who are, like, all influencers in your crowd. They show up 30 minutes late and they're. They're not interested. But I think Tampa crowds are. They really are. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Coked up, fake tits. It's all about how I look and why aren't you talking to me? You know, why am I listening to you?
Sam Morril
So I don't love. Yeah, I like for, like, Lauderdale. Like, I actually think Florida's got some good pockets.
Chelsea Handler
It does have some good pockets. You're funny you're saying that because, like. Yeah, yeah, Fort Lauderdale is good. Like, I remember last time, I was like, I'll just go to one place. But I think you're right about Miami. Miami's not the best.
Sam Morril
Sucks. Naples sucks for Myers. Sucks. But then. But then you have, like. You know, I think Tampa is great. And I've actually. The last few times I've been to Orlando, I like them. I thought they were pretty good, but it was. But it's like you're saying they're. They're pumped you're there, you know, and that makes you pumped to be there. That they're so. Yeah. Tampa theater. I'm actually adding a third show tomorrow for the taping. So I hope you guys come out February 26th, 27th. I hope you come out there. So what's the name of your tour that you're doing right now?
Chelsea Handler
High and Mighty Tour.
Sam Morril
The High and Mighty tour.
Chelsea Handler
I start February 13th. I jump off in D.C. and then I am doing about 30 shows.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Sam Morril
Throughout the world.
Chelsea Handler
And I'm gonna add another 30 because I haven't even added LA and New York yet.
Mark Normand
Holy moly.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I'm gonna go do that and.
Guest or Producer
Be on top of these dates real quick so people can know.
Chelsea Handler
Sure. February 13th is DC. February 15th, Norfolk, Virginia. Madison, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, Detroit, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati. I'm coming everywhere. Denver, Portland, Providence, Rhode Island. That's enough.
Mark Normand
All right.
Sam Morril
I did a thing in Norfolk once where I was doing a theater there, and they said they. They can't get it, so that they Have. What do you call it? You're basically allowed to bring a gun into the theater.
Chelsea Handler
Oh, yeah, okay.
Sam Morril
And I was like, no, no, I don't agree to that. And they were like, well, they have to. And they're like, well, they'll provide security for you. So it felt like we were in, like a fucking insane thing where people were following us around. And I was like, I don't know who these guys are either.
Guest or Producer
And they have guns.
Sam Morril
This is fucking. And then one guy came in with a gun and they're like, the comedian really would appreciate if you left the gun in the car. And the guy went, fine. And he went back and put the gun in the car. I was like, I just don't want guns in the crowd.
Chelsea Handler
I don't. In open carry states. I'm not into it. I'm not interested in that. And also you. They have to not allow guns to come into the theater.
Sam Morril
I don't want to shoot out in the show. Of course I don't want to. I talk about the wrong subject. He's like, fuck this motherfucker.
Mark Normand
You know, you're right.
Sam Morril
Also, shout out. Little Dog Diner in Norfolk. Amazing. They have their homemade hot sauce. Amazing. I remember a good diner. I love a good. A good spot.
Mark Normand
It's a bitch to get there, though. I was at two flights to Norfolk.
Sam Morril
We run a tour bus for that run.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Sam Morril
Thank God for that.
Chelsea Handler
Only men will take tour buses. Women do things like that.
Mark Normand
Schumer did.
Sam Morril
Schumer did it. And Nikki asked me about it, but I was like, you're not going to like it.
Chelsea Handler
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Sam Morril
But Amy. Amy did it. That was fun.
Mark Normand
We got real up on that thing.
Chelsea Handler
Did you?
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Chelsea Handler
That's fun.
Mark Normand
A lot of years. You missed the bus.
Sam Morril
I missed the. I know. I did a few of the buses.
Mark Normand
With her, but you missed it. Literally. Remember you.
Sam Morril
Oh, yeah. Amy was so mad at me. I met. I was drinking with her brother's band, used to open, and I was drinking with the band and one of the bandmates and. And I kept looking at my watch like, isn't the bus leaving now? Isn't the bus leaving now? And he's like, no, no, we're cool. And we fucking chased the bus. And she had security details, like a huge thing. And she was.
Chelsea Handler
How many people were on the bus?
Sam Morril
A bunch. She was not pleased with me, but I got lucky because she got so mad at me. Then I think she felt kind of bad how mad she got. Then she was cool again. Yeah, it's not a good feeling to chase a tour bus.
Mark Normand
No. With a police escort.
Sam Morril
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Bad, good times.
Sam Morril
But I remember we were with Amy together in Orlando back in the day. And I remember puking in the Orlando airport bathroom because we got it hammered.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Sam Morril
And I remember Mark just handing a ginger ale over the stall and I was like, that's a fucking friend. It's a good.
Mark Normand
We've all been there.
Sam Morril
That's nice.
Chelsea Handler
There's nothing better when you're throwing up than ginger ale.
Mark Normand
That's the best.
Sam Morril
Yeah. Look at Amy. Look at this.
Mark Normand
Hey.
Chelsea Handler
Wow. Wow, look at this.
Mark Normand
Thirst trapping a little house.
Chelsea Handler
Who's Amy gonna fuck now?
Mark Normand
Come on, 50. Who's gonna fuck?
Chelsea Handler
I mean, who's she gonna fuck? What's gonna happen, guys?
Mark Normand
I don't know. Wow. We should do a poll or a pool or something. Call in if you want to fuck Amy.
Chelsea Handler
Exciting.
Sam Morril
Tom Rhodes.
Mark Normand
Just do it once, though.
Chelsea Handler
She looks good.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah. Yep. All right, Amy.
Sam Morril
Yeah. Where else are you excited to go to on the road?
Chelsea Handler
I mean, I, I, you know, I don't know. I, I don't really get. I just kind of trying to have a really a. I have to work out every day, you know, Like, I'm really serious about working out.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Chelsea Handler
So I need to be like, strong and, and like clear headed. And then if I'm in a fun city, I like to have friends come. And if I'm in a city where I have a lot of people coming. You know, sometimes you go to shows and you have like 15, 20 friends that are in that city. That's always fun.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And so those cities, fun, you know, are the bigger cities. But I like the smaller cities too, because I like to lie low. I like to spend a day in bed watching fucking television all day long and have nothing but to do but go to dinner and go to your show. I love that feeling.
Mark Normand
That's nice.
Chelsea Handler
I like to do that.
Mark Normand
What do you still drink? What's the hangover cure? Because I'm 40 now and the hangovers are hitting me hard.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, I don't know, I'm just. My body's accustomed. I'm a professional.
Sam Morril
Do you hydrate a lot?
Chelsea Handler
I mean, I drink some, you know, I have some water in the morning with some electrolytes, but I'm not a big water person.
Sam Morril
Are you an IV person?
Chelsea Handler
Not really. I mean, sometimes, but not really, no. I'm just, I've got a strong constitution.
Sam Morril
You don't need a lot of Jews who can handle their boobs.
Mark Normand
I was just gonna say that.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, yeah, I know. Well, I'm part German, so. So that's what it is. Yeah.
Guest or Producer
Can I ask what you were doing in Antarctica?
Chelsea Handler
I was on a psychedelic conference in Antarctica.
Mark Normand
Jesus.
Chelsea Handler
So this guy. So I met this guy, the one I'm talking about, in Vegas, after one of my shows. He sat down. I was at a table. I was going to win back the money that my friends had lost.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
I asked this guy, he was wearing a cowboy hat, and he was sitting at the table, and I was like, hey, I don't have any chips left. Can I borrow a couple thousand dollars? I'm going to start winning. I'll pay you back right away. And he was like, all right. And gave me chips. And I won his money back.
Ad Voice or Guest
I paid.
Chelsea Handler
I won my money. The pay table was popping. We're all winning. It was fun. And then the next day, I won my money. I go home to my room, and then I start getting texts from this guy. And I'm like, who's this guy texting me? I said to my friend. She's like, that was the cowboy from last night that you were sitting next to. And I said, how did he get my number? She's like, you gave him your number? And I'm like, no, I didn't. And she's like, we gave him your number because you guys were really cute together. And I said, oh. And he's like, listen, hey, you're fucking fun. He goes, where do we see each other again? I named the time, name the place. I'll come to you. Let's make this happen. I want to run it back. And I was like.
Sam Morril
And you said, antarctica?
Chelsea Handler
I said, you made it hard. I didn't even respond for the first three ones because I didn't know who this guy was. I'd already forgotten about that night, you know?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And I. And then he said. He said something like, you see? He goes, I'm looking for some adventure in my life, and you seem pretty adventurous. And I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip and said, this is my next adventure, and I'm headed here. I was leaving in, like, four. Four days. And he wrote back, I'll see you in Antarctica, and bought himself a ticket, which is like a $50,000 ticket. What? Yeah. So that was a hot move, because then I was like, that's a strong move. And I like that. Then I got my attention.
Mark Normand
I was like, okay.
Chelsea Handler
So he came to Antarctica, and I.
Sam Morril
Buy a bus ticket to Baltimore to ship.
Chelsea Handler
I'm not going to And I was with my. I already had a roommate, and he got his own room, and he was on this bus boat with us for, like, seven days or eight days or 10 days. Yeah. And so that's. Yeah. And I've been dating him ever since.
Sam Morril
Wow.
Mark Normand
Man. It's hard to get laid these days. Flowers, chocolate. This is crazy.
Chelsea Handler
So fun.
Sam Morril
How was Antarctica?
Chelsea Handler
It was fucking awesome. It was a psychedelic conference. So half of the people there were researching psychedelics and the other half were doing them. And I was part of that group. And it was pretty. Pretty intense. Like, majestic. Like, you see Antarctica from, like, a day away. Before you get there, it's like a sheet of ice.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
And you pass, like, 60 degrees longitude, and they tell you to, like, look out the window, and we're all on MDMA and we're fucking already. And so to see that. And it's not dark out because it's summertime and you're in the Southern Hemisphere, so it's light out the whole time. And you see this sheet of ice, and it looked like the north wall from Game of Thrones. Like, naturally, kind of. And I just remember being like, this is epic. And then you get there and the penguins are running around. There's penguins everywhere, and they have these little penguin highways, and they go.
Sam Morril
You thought of Tom Rhodes, didn't you?
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
I was like, where's Tom Rhodes? I gotta. Tom Rhodes. Penguins running up and down these single, like, file lines. And then we went kayaking, and there's humpback whales jumping. It was insanity.
Mark Normand
And you're on Molly with all this.
Chelsea Handler
That's incred. It was just a great trip. I had a great time. I really. The food was terrible.
Sam Morril
What do you eat there?
Mark Normand
Fish.
Chelsea Handler
It's, like, gross. It was just terrible food. It was like. I don't know what. What the cuisine would even be.
Mark Normand
Penguin.
Chelsea Handler
But just, like, frozen, gross food. I lost six pounds on that trip. I've never lost weight on a trip before.
Mark Normand
Damn.
Chelsea Handler
But, yeah, I had a great time and I was really cool. I wish we could have stayed there for a couple more days. Because you crossed Drake's Passage, which is pretty volatile part of the ocean. Like, it's very. And so the boat is literally like this for three days. So when you sleep, you get the best night's sleep of your life. Because you're, like, in your mother's womb, like.
Mark Normand
Right.
Chelsea Handler
I've never. It was like someone just rocking you. But when you're walking around, you know. Tricky.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Well, was it weird to get to Know this guy on a boat in Antarctica? Yeah. You really know much about him.
Sam Morril
But you vibe the first night?
Chelsea Handler
Well, no, I just figured there's enough people on this boat if he's going to be fun. I don't have to like sleep with him if I'm not into him.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Chelsea Handler
There's going to be 180 people on this boat. I'll find someone else to have sex with if I need to and he can too. So it was just more like I wasn't sure. And then once we hung out, I was like, okay, yeah, I'm down.
Mark Normand
Oh, wow.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah, man. If he flew out there and you didn't bang him though, that's tough. Oh, you got to jump off that boat.
Chelsea Handler
He probably would have found somebody else. There were a lot of boats. There was a lot of good looking people on that boat.
Mark Normand
Got it.
Chelsea Handler
I think they only allowed good looking people on the that boat. One of those trips, right?
Mark Normand
So is it some hot Molly sex?
Chelsea Handler
What? What is this movie?
Mark Normand
It's pretty. You said it was majestic. So now you got a new guy?
Chelsea Handler
I don't know that we had sex on Molly when we were there. I can't remember, but yes.
Sam Morril
I don't know anything about Molly. Does that enhance sex?
Mark Normand
Everything's enhanced.
Sam Morril
Okay.
Chelsea Handler
MMA sex is fun, fun, fun. Yeah, you should try it. You guys should do it together. Oh, it's 2:30, you guys. I have to go. Sorry.
Mark Normand
Okay. Okay. Well, Jimmy, we said hello.
Sam Morril
Oh yeah.
Mark Normand
And check out her podcast.
Sam Morril
Yeah. Dear Chelsea was super fun to do. Loved, love chatting with you. Love. I'm happy you came. Our podcast.
Chelsea Handler
Yeah, thank you guys. Nice to see you in action.
Sam Morril
And go see Chelsea on tour.
Mark Normand
Hell yeah, I'll be there.
Chelsea Handler
You guys, if you bring your girlfriend or wife on tour to see me, you'll. You'll get laid.
Sam Morril
Is it just Chelsea handler.com for tours? Okay. Chelsea handler.com for tour. Go see Chelsea.
Mark Normand
And check out her pod.
Sam Morril
And check out her pod.
Chelsea Handler
Thanks guys.
Mark Normand
Thank you, Chelsea.
Chelsea Handler
Thanks for my drink, you guys.
Mark Normand
You can have one for the road if you want. You want to open any of this stuff people send? Oh, sure.
Sam Morril
Yeah, we'll see. Let's do you want to do that before?
Mark Normand
Yeah, let's do it before.
Sam Morril
Yeah, let's open some.
Mark Normand
Happy Hanukkah. Happy New Year. These are Christmas gifts.
Sam Morril
Open the card.
Mark Normand
Yeah, that one's for me.
Sam Morril
It's from you.
Mark Normand
Oh, this is gonna make me.
Sam Morril
Oh my God. Eight bright candles in a row. Eight bright candles all aglow for each candle Bright burning bright fun filled wishes for each night. Happy Hanukkah. And we got a little double down card.
Mark Normand
So what's that, like a scratch off?
Sam Morril
Scratch off? Yeah.
Mark Normand
A little weird to put a coin in a Jewish one for each. Thank you.
Sam Morril
Let's do this after the episode. Or should we do it on?
Mark Normand
Oh, I got a coin.
Guest or Producer
Do you really want the person to win when you get one of those, do you really want them to win?
Mark Normand
I think so.
Guest or Producer
Yeah, I want you to win.
Sam Morril
It's like the movie Sour Grapes. Remember that one?
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah. Okay, what am I looking for here? Winning number. Oh, I see the winning number. He scratched that first 36.
Sam Morril
My winning numbers are 9 and 11.
Mark Normand
Oh, geez.
Sam Morril
The hell beaters.
Mark Normand
You already won five. Oh, I'm a winner.
Sam Morril
I got.
Mark Normand
What does that mean? Do I get a dollar? No. What do you get if you win?
Guest or Producer
You got a scratch off prize maybe? Thing that says prize, it tells you what you won.
Sam Morril
I don't think I won here. But you know what? It's fun just to play. Thank you, Peters. Appreciate it.
Mark Normand
Oh, my God.
Sam Morril
What?
Mark Normand
I think I won five grand. I think I did.
Sam Morril
No way.
Guest or Producer
Show it. Show us where?
Chelsea Handler
A minute.
Mark Normand
How many you're supposed to scratch?
Sam Morril
I don't know.
Guest or Producer
I scratch them all.
Mark Normand
Okay, I think we got a winner.
Guest or Producer
You got three of a kind.
Mark Normand
No.
Guest or Producer
And what's the thing?
Sam Morril
No, I think you have to still have to scratch off this other one, dude.
Mark Normand
Oh, I don't think one of them's a winner because it says winning number 36. Yeah, I scratch a 36.
Sam Morril
Yeah, I know, but I think.
Mark Normand
Hey, wait a minute. Someone has to inspect because if we just won five grand, we could buy a whole new look at mine too.
Guest or Producer
Bodega Peters is investigating.
Mark Normand
Okay, take a look.
Sam Morril
And we got a gift. And it is a shirt that says the Rizzler. Which will be really fun after being on FBI's Most Wanted after last episode.
Mark Normand
We're definitely on a list. I'm not registered.
Sam Morril
Yeah, we always wanted to be on a comedy list. On a different list. And I'm on Epstein's list. Why don't you get open some of these?
Mark Normand
He liked one of our last videos, by the way.
Sam Morril
Did. It's not him.
Mark Normand
I bought it.
Sam Morril
I was how to Cope with a Massive Penis. Oh, this is great to read on the subway. Thank you. Yeah, like, oh, God, this is so hard.
Mark Normand
That's genius. This is hard. Hold on. Oh, what do we got here? Malort.
Sam Morril
Oh, that's the nasty. Who gave us that? His Name's right there.
Mark Normand
Jepsen Company.
Guest or Producer
David Skinner gave us some.
Sam Morril
You know what that's good for? That's like a good pun punishment shot for the. Because they're nasty.
Mark Normand
I'm gonna have one kiss of it. Really A little effort.
Sam Morril
Give me a kiss. Fuck it. Give me a tiny one. It's nasty.
Mark Normand
Shit's bad. It's like kerosene.
Sam Morril
Oh, so bad. Cheers. Hey, thanks. Chicago.
Mark Normand
Hey. The second City.
Guest or Producer
So they know it's bad. They know it and they're just like.
Sam Morril
But it's a point of pride. It's pretty fucking. It's nasty. It's just. There's nothing. You didn't take it all. Take it all.
Mark Normand
Get all of it.
Sam Morril
You gotta get all of it. Come on.
Mark Normand
This is brutal. It's like getting a girl to swallow.
Sam Morril
My cum tastes better than that.
Mark Normand
That's true.
Sam Morril
That is fucking nasty. Let's see what else we got. Ah, smelling salts. What is this, the mothership?
Mark Normand
They're good. If you're bombing with a guest, you're like, smell that?
Sam Morril
I made a mistake of doing it too close. And I just remember Rogan, like, grabbing me like, are you okay? In a pathetic way.
Mark Normand
It'll wake you. I had a hangover once. Really bad. I took that and I was like. I was cured. Oh, what do we got here? Ooh, what's that? Happy every day. Looks like some kind of love box. That's what I call my wife's. Okay, hold on.
Sam Morril
Wet farts. Really says a lot what people think of us with these gifts. A mug.
Mark Normand
A black mug. Oh. Instructions. Put that one in. To Mark.
Sam Morril
Happy holidays.
Guest or Producer
The Santa wrapping papers from Mike Criscolo.
Mark Normand
Oh, from your mom's house.
Sam Morril
Mike Criscolo. I thought he's uta.
Mark Normand
That's not. I don't think he's related to anybody. Wait for it.
Sam Morril
Oh, this is from your mom's house.
Mark Normand
Uh huh.
Sam Morril
This one's from your mom's house. Okay.
Mark Normand
Okay, great.
Sam Morril
Oh, these are really good. These things. Texas chewy pr. This is the problem.
Mark Normand
Thank you.
Sam Morril
Trying to get fit. I am still drinking, so it's not going to happen, but sure these are good, dude.
Mark Normand
Wow. These are. I'm taking these home since 1885. Still kicking.
Sam Morril
Still kicking. Let's plug some tour dates. What do we got? Mark?
Guest or Producer
This is Mark here.
Mark Normand
Brea Brea. We got a couple shows sold out. Then like 2, 2 left. So let's sell that puppy. That's a big room. 8, 600 seats.
Sam Morril
It's a great one.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I love that club.
Sam Morril
Stay in LA when you do that.
Mark Normand
I'm gonna run in and do podcasts. Maybe I'll stay in la.
Sam Morril
Makes more sense. Probably.
Mark Normand
Yeah. You just gotta drive home after.
Sam Morril
It's annoying.
Mark Normand
That sucks because I had a few drinks. Yeah.
Sam Morril
Get a guy to open.
Mark Normand
That's up. Drive you. That's a sober opener. Sober opener. I want to hang with him. What's this?
Guest or Producer
And we got Bend, Oregon on January 23rd.
Mark Normand
It's supposed to change color. And the picture underneath is the guy. The big black dick guy. Oh, that's fun.
Sam Morril
Yeah. But why underneath? Who drinks a coffee like this? It should be the side.
Mark Normand
It's. Oh. Supposed to change, I think. Yeah. Maybe when you show something coming in, you see him.
Guest or Producer
Oh, is it on the bottom mark when you tip it up?
Sam Morril
Oh, I see it. I see him. I see his dick now.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
All right.
Mark Normand
All right. Hey, Brea. Then I'm in Bend, Oregon. New Brunswick in New Jersey. Stress factory, San Antonio at lol, Tulsa at the Bricktown Comedy Club. Indianapolis, Helium, Sahawarita, Arizona, Buffalo, New York, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky. Fort Lauderdale and Raleigh. Come on out, North Carolina. Back in the clubs.
Sam Morril
Love it. Well, we got Washington, D.C. it's all sold out, but excited to go to DC Improv. Never done it. Excited. Believe Chicago is all sold out too. And these are small rooms I'm doing. So. Yeah. Stanford, Connecticut, Providence, Rhode Island. I think they're all sold out, so I'm excited to come.
Mark Normand
Hell, yeah.
Sam Morril
We're adding tomorrow morning. Tomorrow morning we're adding February 26th for Tampa.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Sam Morril
So we'll do a third show at the Tampa Theater. I'm very excited for this special and if that one sells, maybe a fourth, you know. Very excited. Taping a special there. So love you guys for coming out. Tampa, you're the best.
Guest or Producer
I wanted to ask you something before we left. Are you wrapping up? Wrapping up?
Sam Morril
Yeah. Why? Oh, I just wanted to ask about.
Guest or Producer
You mentioned Texas a second ago at your mom's house. Have you heard about this controversy between Texas and New York comics?
Mark Normand
Oh, it's getting pretty heated. It's heated.
Sam Morril
It's getting weird.
Mark Normand
It's crazy.
Sam Morril
You know what I say?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
Eyes on your own paper. Write some fucking jokes.
Mark Normand
Hell yeah. Tell that to Texas. All right, we'll see you later. Yeehaw.
Sam Morril
Hey, buy some bodega. Bodega cat.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sam Morril
Enjoy some bodega cat. Have a good time. We love you. And to all the restaurants and bars carrying it, we love you.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sam Morril
Hit us up, Bodegacat. Whiskey, Instagram, whatever you need. Yeah, send you a box. Yeah, we're on it, man. We got a guy on it. It's happening, it's moving, we're cooking. The merch is gonna get even cooler.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Sam Morril
We love you for listening. Thanks, Chelsea, for coming by, and it's.
Mark Normand
Been a great year. I mean, Rizzler, Seinfeld, the list goes on.
Sam Morril
You gave Risler first billing?
Mark Normand
Well, he was a tough get. We got Seinfeld before Rizzler.
Sam Morril
That's a good point. Jerry never bailed on us. The Rizzler stood us up four times.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Sam Morril
He is a child.
Mark Normand
Yeah. All right. He's nine.
Sam Morril
He's nine.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Sam Morril
All right, well, we love you guys. Thanks for listening, guys. And if you're having a dry January, you know, stay strong. And if you're not, get some bodega here.
Mark Normand
Here comedy. Thank you. Good night, good luck. We'll see you in hell.
Chelsea Handler
A bit of piva wreck. You know, the beer Jew's close. I've had a little too much burping, and Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like a cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way. We might be true.
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Date: January 12, 2026
Guests: Chelsea Handler
Hosts: Sam Morril & Mark Normand
In this lively episode, NYC comics Mark Normand and Sam Morril share drinks and laughs with iconic comedian, author, and former talk show host Chelsea Handler. The trio dives deep into Chelsea’s adventurous lifestyle, reflections on comedy and TV, her experience at the Critics Choice Awards, her gambling habits, her storied dating history (hello, 50 Cent), her approach to independence, and plenty of candid stories from showbiz and life on the road.
The conversation is peppered with industry insights, personal anecdotes, and uproarious banter, making it a must-listen for comedy enthusiasts and Chelsea fans alike.
“My freedom is really important to me. I like the idea of not having to check in with one single fucking person about anything I do.” (12:47)
“My life is a fucking dream… I can't be tied to a studio five days a week in the same city.” (11:49–12:47)
“I’m dating a guy who's really into gambling or football… and the only way for me to pay attention is to put money on it.” (03:48)
“That's what we're all doing in our 20s… for some reason we're not supposed to be talking about it.” (27:28)
“First book deal…I got $35,000. Then my second book, I got $2 million. And I was like, whoa.” (23:46–24:00)
“I feel more like a dude than I feel like a woman… I’m looking for good times, casual sex, randoms, travel, adventure…” (28:44–29:07)
“I like to tell that story because...your biggest failures...you never know when something's coming right around the corner.” (40:43–40:51)
“He'd come and whisper in my ear, and he'd go, ‘I will never rape you.’” (39:04)
“We do not get along with overhead lighting. It’s not a good look…Side lighting is the best.” (50:11)
“I sent him a link to the Antarctica trip…he wrote back, ‘I’ll see you in Antarctica,’ and bought himself a ticket…that was a hot move.” (65:04)
“Half the people were researching psychedelics, the other half were doing them. And I was part of that group.” (66:02)
“I love drinking. I'll have a Tanqueray with a splash of salt, soda. Who's making the drink?” —Chelsea Handler (00:23)
“Congrats on the People's Choice Awards.”
“It’s the Critics Choice Award.” —Sam Morril & Chelsea Handler (01:40–01:45)
On writing a hit book:
“I'm the only person in my family who's never gone to college, and I have seven New York Times bestsellers, so I like to fucking rub that in their faces.” —Chelsea Handler (22:27)
On independence and relationships:
“I'm serious about not relying on another person for anything…and I take having a good time pretty seriously.” —Chelsea Handler (13:23)
About 50 Cent:
“He’s not gonna have anything bad to say about me. I'm a dream for him. I was a dream.” —Chelsea Handler (32:13)
Psychedelic Antarctica adventure:
“This guy…wrote back, 'I'll see you in Antarctica,' and bought himself a ticket, which is like a $50,000 ticket…that was a hot move.” —Chelsea Handler (65:04)
Comedy wisdom:
“Your biggest failures…you never know when something's coming right around the corner.” —Chelsea Handler (40:51)
Chelsea Handler is as unfiltered, sharp, and adventurous as ever. This episode is packed with industry anecdotes, honest takes on work and life, and reminders to embrace independence, risks, and good company.
For fans of comedy, drinking, and candid conversation, this episode delivers the goods—ice, soda, and a splash of salt included.