Ep: 268 - Bert Kreischer

Summary

We Might Be Drunk – Ep. 268: Bert Kreischer

Release Date: January 26, 2026
Hosts: Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Guest: Bert Kreischer
Special Guest Drop-In: Stavros Halkias

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Episode Overview

This episode of We Might Be Drunk features comedian Bert Kreischer in a candid, irreverent, and wide-ranging conversation that bounces between personal health scares, the evolution of comic careers and fame, behind-the-scenes TV/film development, and the ever-changing nature of stand-up comedy. The signature tone is rowdy, fast-paced, and deeply funny—a mix of heartfelt real talk and relentless ball-busting, with plenty of memorable stories and hard truths.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Fashion Statements and Comedic Persona

[00:06–03:15]

• The episode opens with playful roasting over Mark’s leather pants, drawing comparisons to pro wrestlers and Eddie Murphy-style special outfits.
  • Mark: “They feel sexy as fuck.” [00:41]
  • Discussion on comedians' attire for specials: overly flashy dress can backfire for newer comics.
  • Bert: “But you look like a pro wrestler doing a press tour.” [02:51]

2. Bert’s Serious Health Scare: Blood Clots and Sobriety

[03:45–12:56]

• Bert reveals a recent medical emergency: blood clots in his leg and lungs after a busy spell of cross-country flights.
  • Details include throbbing pain, ER visit, misdiagnosis, and the abrupt seriousness upon learning about clots in his lungs.
  • Mark: “You don't want to die from an easy joke … if I get a DUI and get in a car accident. Come on. If you want to, like, you want to get attacked by a shark, dude.” [31:16]
• Bert has been ordered to stay on blood thinners and off alcohol indefinitely.
  • Debate about how this might affect his “party animal” comedy persona and whether audiences will notice.
  • Sam: “The show is called Fully Loaded...everything’s boozy.”
  • Bert: “I own a vodka company. I don’t quit drinking.” [18:48]

3. Planes, Travel Risks, & Coping with Change

[04:05–12:53]

• The group discusses the dangers of long flights, inactivity, and dehydration.
  • Bert now gets up every 30 minutes on planes and wears compression socks.
  • Jokes about what coping vices are left: “You might become a candy guy, dude.” [19:20]

4. Adjusting to Life After Drinking

[12:56–18:59]

• Bert chronicles rapid improvement in his health after quitting booze/unhealthy habits (workouts, weight loss).
• Discussion on losing vices and whether comics change when they lose their signature "thing."
  • Mark: “Back in the day…we lived on the street, and we were all the same type of person. We just wanted to get fucked up, play music and fuck chicks…when we made money—Axl said, ‘I’m moving to Malibu.’” [25:21]

5. The ‘Two Bears’ Gift Arms Race: Comedians and Spending

[20:18–23:22]

• Bert details an escalating joke tradition of lavish birthday gifts between him and Tom Segura: e-bikes, $15k jet skis, even chartered private jets, reflecting their wild competitive friendship.
  • Stavros, reacting: “That sounds so dangerous. The Jew in me is like, you get the music on…you lose your senses.” [21:19]
  • Mark: “We were just Hammered [on the bike], not a care in my fucking life.” [21:14]

6. Pandemic-Era Hustle and TV Show Development

[85:49–89:24; 81:04–87:40; 87:40–94:08]

• Bert gives a deep dive on the origin and pitch of his new Netflix show "Free Bert", drawing on his 2016 career collapse, family, and the concept of structuring it like a bingeable drama, not a sitcom.
  • Bert: “I want it to be like Slow Horses and Black Doves…I don't want to do episodic.” [81:05]
  • Pitch meetings included the real Leanne Kreischer, whose banter with Bert became part of the show's dynamic. “They think you lost your mind. You’re like, dude, it’s my family, but Mindhunter. And they're like, what?!” [87:40]

7. Comedy's Evolution: Crowd Work, Grifts, and Being Yourself

[45:28–46:07]

• Sharp commentary on the rise of crowd work content and “right-leaning grifts” in comedy.
  • Mark: “Very few people do material these days. It's a lot of, like, what will the fans clap at? Or how can I get them interactive?”* [45:37]*

8. Comedian Health Trends: Ozempic/Manjaro & Body Image

[36:16–53:18]

• Bert explains using Manjaro for weight loss after a harsh cardiologist appointment, how GLP-1 drugs (and sobriety) are affecting comics, and the odd social dynamic around getting fit as a comic.
  • Bert: “I'm more comfortable as a fuck up.” [35:14]
  • Mark: “What’s the vice? You gotta have a—Take the edge off.”
  • Bert: “The outfits. I guess this is some way to get it...” [19:56]

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On health scares:

  • “They do an ultrasound and she’s like…You have a significant blood clot behind your knee. We gotta see if they're in your lungs. And then they’re like, they’re in your lungs.” – Bert [05:47]

• On changing comic archetypes:

  • “I think I'm done taking those pictures…No one wants to see you looking good.” – Bert [35:47]

• On showbiz and ego:

  • “I put this on because no one would ever invite me to do this.” – Bert, about creating his own big-stage comedy tours [93:01]

• On the evolution of relationships/fame:

  • “But as you grow as men, You're…not the same type of person.” – Bert [27:51]

• On joke crafting vs. storytelling:

  • “When you write, are you guys always trying to write the perfect joke, or perfect the joke?” – Bert [101:08]
  • “I’m trying to build a log cabin where you guys are just whittling and going, that's the perfect log cabin.” – Bert [101:39]

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Best Bits (with Timestamps)

• Leather pants roast & comic style – [00:06–03:15]
• Bert’s blood clot/clots saga – [03:45–12:53]
  • “So, they flood me with iodine…and I feel like I shit myself. I'm naked on this thing with a blanket over my dick.” – Bert [10:16]
• ‘Comedians are just broke kids who dream big' – Slash anecdote – [24:05–26:26]
• Podcast therapy on vice replacements – [18:00–19:56]
• Behind the scenes: escalating Two Bears gifts – [20:18–23:22]
• Comic weight loss, societal pressure – [35:27–38:10]
• Meta-commentary on crowdwork trend – [45:28–46:07]
• Pitching ‘Free Bert’ & the changing TV landscape – [84:05–89:24]
• Bert’s humility & autodidact grind – [89:41–92:05]
  • “My whole energy has always been, push a rock uphill.” – Bert [94:35]

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Comedic & Memorable Exchanges

• On fans expecting shirtlessness:

  • “There would be 80% of the room that’s going, Is he gonna take it off?” – Bert [33:14]

• On the perils of kids with product placement:

  • “Reach out to a brand now and sell his first word…All you gotta do instead of going mom and daddy…say Pepsi.” – Bert [55:40]

• Analogizing Bert’s party days to Carrot Top’s props:

  • “But it’s like seeing Carrot Top without the props or something.” – Sam [32:01]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [00:06–03:15] – Opening banter, fashion roast, comics & stage outfits
• [03:45–12:53] – Bert’s blood clot health scare and aftermath
• [12:53–18:59] – Adjusting to sobriety, health, career pressures
• [20:18–23:22] – The “Two Bears” birthday gift war
• [25:21–27:51] – Evolution of comic relationships, money, and homes
• [31:16–35:27] – How health, weight, and image collide in comedy
• [45:28–46:07] – Trend of crowdwork and right-leaning grifts in standup
• [81:04–87:40] – Pitching and producing “Free Bert”
• [94:35–101:08] – Industry hustle, “making it,” writing the next big special

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Final Thoughts

A funny-yet-frank episode that explores not just the peaks but also the pitfalls—the dark hospital moments behind the party-animal persona, the breakneck pressures of comedian success, and the internal wrestling with identity as both an artist and a person in flux. It’s brash, full of zingers, but consistently vulnerable in the vein of old friends talking real, with Bert Kreischer’s storytelling at its center.

“When light flashes before your eyes…you go, dude, I've lived a fucking–No one expected this to happen to me, right?” – Bert [95:22]

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For New Listeners:
Great for those who want inside baseball on stand-up and TV, a raw look at the costs of “living the bit,” and the real-talking camaraderie that makes We Might Be Drunk a favorite for comedy fans.

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Upcoming:

• Bert: Beacon Theater (NYC) April 23–25, plus Florida/Tampa/Duluth tour dates.
• Stavros: Special taping in Tampa, February 26th.
• Watch “Free Bert” on Netflix.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, what an entrance. Come on, leather pants. Who have you become?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, what are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my Lord, I'm pumped for this.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you a cologne salesman?

[Stavros Halkias]

This was. This. This outfit was clearly not for us, but I'm excited to get the sloppy seconds or whatever this is.

[Mark Normand]

This is a Seth Meyers outfit.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're hanging out with Guy Fieri too much.

[Mark Normand]

Fieri. It's Fier.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leather pants.

[Stavros Halkias]

Leather pants is bold as fuck, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you get those on with your sweaty ass thighs? Come on.

[Mark Normand]

It's. They feel sexy as fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's smooth.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's real cow tip.

[Mark Normand]

I'm stepping up my road game. I'm stepping up my pant game.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, well, you're shirtless on stage. You can only really get pants.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Are we rolling?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Yeah. You know, when I did Lucky, I was like. I was like, all my thumbnails are identical. It's me and jeans and shirtless. And so, like, letting know if you have a new special because you have a suit on, you know? And so I got.

[Stavros Halkias]

When you fall off, you wore jorts. Maybe that's the fucking fall off special.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, jorts.

[Mark Normand]

Ooh. Like, Or a kilt.

[Bert Kreischer]

That could be fun.

[Mark Normand]

I got a.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was the Atel joke, remember? For people wearing killed it's pants down, then shit.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, no.

[Stavros Halkias]

He goes, unless you're wearing a kilt. I fucked up his joke. God damn it.

[Mark Normand]

When I was a young comic, I was walking through, I used to wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. And I was walking through in the back at the Cellar, and he goes, only two types of people wear Hawaiian shirts. Party animals or which one are you? And you know me, I was like. I was a party animal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[Mark Normand]

No, I decided to step on my pants game because I was like. I was like. So I did it in Lucky, and then on this tour, I've been wearing snakeskin. Snakeskin bedazzled pants.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Fuck.

[Mark Normand]

It's like, why not? You're in an arena. Why not step it up a little bit instead of wearing jeans and, you know, and it's like, listen, if you take yourself too seriously, I would love to go full Eddie Murphy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, full leather.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Do you remember Eddie Murphy wore that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course.

[Stavros Halkias]

How could you forget?

[Mark Normand]

But what a statement. Like, no one's done Katt Williams does it.

[Stavros Halkias]

You better be a great comic in that fucking. Like, if you're like a young comic trying to pull that shit off and you're bombing a bomb in that suit. Sweaty.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Schumer did a leather special.

[Mark Normand]

Think about it. Let's talk about, like what comics wear in specials, right? Yeah. So like, I think in all time specials, it's like a. It's like a nondescript jacket.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep, Yep.

[Mark Normand]

With a shirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

A suit's one.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nate is kind of similar too, I.

[Mark Normand]

Feel, but it's like, it's almost like you don't want the outfit to speak for yourself, Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

But if you're shirtless, why not allow the outfit to complement the conversation? Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Interesting.

[Mark Normand]

You know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. But I mean, you look like a pro wrestler doing a press tour.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you very much. By the way, when I wore the. I wore the sink skin ones out with the. With a top. Owen Hart. It wasn't Owen Hart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wasn't it? Owen Hart.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's when he died.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. I was like, hopefully your own heart. I couldn't get it out. I said, Bret Hart. Sorry. Keep going there.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're slow to start this. We're sorry, bro.

[Bert Kreischer]

A couple pods earlier.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I want to drink.

[Mark Normand]

That's the death of podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. It is.

[Mark Normand]

That's the death of podcasting.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so true.

[Mark Normand]

When you come in.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Owen heart of podcasting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Well, it's like twice. Like, I. My wife and I were like, hey, that was pretty good. And she's like, let's go again. I'm like, I got. We're only going to ruin it.

[Mark Normand]

And then. And then if I come in and I notice you guys don't have energy and I talk a lot, the comments are like, he wouldn't shut the up.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no, no.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's. It's crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're here, we're bringing it for you, dude. We're going to step it up. We need a drink. Let's have a drink.

[Mark Normand]

I can't. I can't drink. Please.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you didn't hear medication?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, blood clots.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Mark Normand]

What? Yeah, my legs. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right, so we won't drink it.

[Mark Normand]

No, you drink.

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Mark Normand]

You know, I never cared about that. Yeah, bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

You all right?

[Mark Normand]

In my lungs. Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Blood clots.

[Mark Normand]

Fuck. Guys, guys. I'm saving it for Rogan.

[Bert Kreischer]

So is that from drinking or.

[Mark Normand]

No, it's from passing out on a plane. Passing out on a plane with your leg like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's like just inactivity on a plane. I flew back and forth from LA to the East coast about. Probably about five times from December 18th to New Year's Eve.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And Nashville included, but. And I got off that. The last flight I had from New York to do Kelly Clarkson, man on the plane. I was like, God damn it, my leg hurts. And it had been hurting for, like a week, two weeks, all over in different locations. And it was really odd.

[Stavros Halkias]

You gotta get you a peg leg, dude. That'd be sick. That's a good thumbnail, dude. Little eye patch, peg leg.

[Mark Normand]

Dude. I was scared when it. When it happen, because, you know it's a blood clot. You know it's a blood clot immediately.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think I would know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would know, you know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

100%. No, you 100% know. And then I went in. I was like. It was throbbing at night. And then I told my wife. I was like, something's. I Woke up at 2 in the morning to make a drink, to go back to bed. Cause I was like, I can't. I have no rest. And Leanne's like, I'm taking you to the emergency room. And I Fuck. You know, when you go, usually you're like, ah, I'm fine. And I was like, I want to go to the emergency room. Whoa. And I went in and I told them, I said, I think I have a blood clot. And they're like, you don't have a blood clot. You don't have any of the markers are. You're very overweight. Like, I'm overweight, but I'm like, I'm not. You gotta be very overweight. Totally inactive. Like, those are the markers for blood clots. Usually. She's like, you seem fairly active. And she goes, I think it's your sciatic nerve, which I do have a sciatic problem. And then is that back, like, right here, shoots down your leg.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And I told her, I said, but it's been traveling. It was in my foot. It was on the outside of my foot. It was in my calf. It was on the outside of my calf. It was all over my foot.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like, you.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's torn like a motherfucker.

[Mark Normand]

Dude. Dude. I was Crazy pain. She comes back, they do a ultrasound, and she's like. She's like, you have a significant bug caught in your behind, your knee. She goes, I didn't see that. She goes, we gotta see if they're in your lungs. And then took me in. And then they're like, they're in your lungs. And so then they're like, how the.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fuck did a tell beat you to fucking this?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

It's just. There's a guy from cnn. Young dude, flew to Afghanistan, didn't move a lot on his plane, I guess landed. I hear every blood clot story of Deborah. Young guy gets a blood clot, died two days later.

[Stavros Halkias]

But don't a lot of people just sleep on a plane?

[Mark Normand]

They do, but I think it's the angle maybe. So there's a number. Honestly, no one can really figure out what happened. Like they're going like, how did it happen to you? And so I mean, that's where, man, when the Internet chimes in, you're like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, don't read that shit.

[Mark Normand]

Have you ever had Covid? 11 times. Were you vaccinated? 4 times. Were you on testosterone? A ton. Were you inactive on the plane? Drunk, passed out. Alcohol has nothing to do with it, luckily. Cause that was like my. But, but yeah, it's like all of the above. This guy, he got a blood clot and he died.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like an in shape guy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You just. You don't know. I mean, listen, man, some people just die.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And there's no reason they die. It's just a fluke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. There's that one guy who died jogging.

[Mark Normand]

Embolism in his lungs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dbt.

[Mark Normand]

That's what I got from the plane ride.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm flying. I've been flying west coast, east coast for like the past three weeks. And I'm going to Oregon this weekend.

[Mark Normand]

Dehydration is a huge thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Because it thickens your blood. Coffee, huge thing.

[Stavros Halkias]

I had like six coff coffees today.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude.

[Stavros Halkias]

The key is I'm worried about terrorists on planes. I need a stewardess to shake me if I pass that.

[Mark Normand]

Get compressed. Just get compression socks. It won't happen.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

If you get compression socks, it won't happen. And if you get up. I have to get up every 30 minutes on a flight now. So I get up like a lunatic. Like, like almost like I'm like one of those, those scouts on a planes looking for terrorists.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I face every. Marshall. Yeah, Marshall. But yeah, so I'm not drinking for indefinitely. I got a second opinion.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think you're ugly too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, this is crazy. Burn on. No drinking.

[Mark Normand]

She said to me, I mean, I'll tell you the number. She goes, you're going to be on blood thinners. And she was like. And this is she like. It got really serious real quick because I even posted like a poll on Instagram because everyone thought it was a cramp. It was like. And I was like, guys, am I a hypochondriac? Or do you think I have a blood clot and everyone 95% hypochondriac.

[Stavros Halkias]

That would suck if that was your last post.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is this a tumor? That was his last story.

[Mark Normand]

Do you know what Leanne said to me in the hospital room? Because then I get diagnosed with a blood clot, and it gets super serious real quick. Then they find him in my lungs, and it gets wildly, seriously wildly quick, and my blood pressure's through the roof. My heart rate's skyrocketing. They take me in to do the CT scan, the CAT scan, and they put iodine into my bloodstream, and they're like. They're like, hey, are you allergic to iodine?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, geez.

[Mark Normand]

And I'm like, I don't know. I don't think I've ever had it. And he goes, well, we'll just find out. And I go, well, hold on. What was like, the. What's like, a side effect? And he goes, oh, blood clots. Anaphylactic shot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Mark Normand]

And I go, can you. Can you test it? And he goes, nah, it's just. We put it in. He goes, you know, maybe you're in the hospital. Safest place to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

So they.

[Mark Normand]

He goes, you're gonna feel.

[Stavros Halkias]

Have you gotten into anaphylactic shock?

[Mark Normand]

No, I never.

[Stavros Halkias]

I did once. It sucks. I look like Hitch in that scene. Your eyes bug out your throat.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what was it for you?

[Stavros Halkias]

I was. I'll tell you off air. I don't want to tell people My. My Achilles was.

[Mark Normand]

It was. It come.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was calm. God damn it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'd be dead by now. Yeah, damn.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

But no, it's.

[Mark Normand]

It's brutal.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, they jam that EpiPen your leg.

[Mark Normand]

Well, it's crazy in.

[Stavros Halkias]

A bird on me on the way to the. On the way. My mom rushed me to the fucking hospital, and a bird on me. And my mom's like, that's good luck.

[Mark Normand]

That's good luck.

[Stavros Halkias]

Doesn't feel like.

[Mark Normand]

So they go. When they. When they tell you you're going. They. When you get iodine, they go, your throat is gonna tighten. Yeah. It's gonna get real hot.

[Stavros Halkias]

And by the way, this is like, what happens.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And then you're gonna shit yourself, and you're gonna feel like you pissed yourself.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And I'm like, these are all symptoms of anaphylactic shock, I think. Yeah. And he's. How do I know if I'm having anaphylactic shock?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So they flood me with iodine, and then. And I feel It. And I feel like I shit myself. And by the way, I'm naked on this thing with a blanket over my dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus.

[Mark Normand]

And then the guy comes up to me. The nurse comes up to me and he's like, I'm in the CAT scan and they stop it. So I'm halfway through and he just leans in. He goes, hey, man, are you having a heart attack? And I was like, I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why are they out of the doctor?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, go. Give me a fucking answer here. You got a lot of questions. Am I allergic to iodine? I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

And so I go, I don't think I am. And he was like, your heart rate is through the roof and your blood pressure is skyrocketing. And I was like, dude, I'm having a fucking panic attack. You asked me if I'm allergic to iodine. I feel like I shit my pants. I'm getting a CAT scan. And then he just goes, oh, no, nevermind. The phone rings. He answered. He goes, you got blood clots in your lungs? And I was like. And so.

[Stavros Halkias]

In your lungs?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And so I don't know anything about this. How bad is this?

[Mark Normand]

Well, they're not as bad. So blood clots can get. It's the embolism where the blood clot explodes, I think, in your lungs that you don't want. I had blood clots in my lungs. I mean, I never saw a picture of them, so. But they said they were small. They weren't like, you know, crazy big, but. But then they're like. The lady goes, he's burying his soul right now. Mark.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sorry.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's talking about his medical.

[Mark Normand]

When you fart leather pants, it sticks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Bert's like, it was stage four. Mark's like, hold on, let me get a little.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sorry, I had eggs for lunch.

[Mark Normand]

So. So then, yeah. So then they. They come in, they're like, yo, we're gonna put you on blood thinners. It's really serious. You need to take this very serious. You need to be on blood thinners. And I was like, for how long? She goes, six months.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you're sober for six months?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, you're gonna get ripped.

[Mark Normand]

I've. Yeah, I mean, I guess I got a second opinion because I was like, hold on. So then I called my cardio.

[Stavros Halkias]

Take this seriously.

[Mark Normand]

I called my cardio. What? Hold on. I call my cardiologist and I go, yo, so I got. I'm on blood thinners. And he goes, I think you should be on blood thinners. For the rest of your life. I mean, it's not bad, but like a mild blood thinner. And I was like, but wait, can I drink on them? And he was like, listen, I can't. It doesn't really affect. I can't say there's any correlation between your blood clots, blood thinners, and alcohol. But what I can tell you is you have blood clots in your lungs and in your leg, and you should focus on your health to get rid of them and then come back. He goes, come back in three months. We'll take a look at it. Come back in a few months. But I went from crazy pain in my leg, like, I mean, unbearable, unbearable. Couldn't find comfort sleeping. To now, like, I took a walk in the park today. I've been working out. I don't. I don't feel it the way I did. So the blood. And I was on a crazy amount of blood thinners. And now I'm on, like, just like two a day and no Tylenol. And my blood pressure is perfect. I feel great. That's the problem with not drinking is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you just feel good.

[Mark Normand]

You feel fucking incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you also got the Mickey Mantle gene, so you might. You might heal in, like, half the time. Time.

[Mark Normand]

I set an appointment for the day after the super bowl to get my leg checked. I tried to get in there the day before the Super Bowl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Because I was like, fucking super bowl party drinking. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know what's weird? You know what thins your blood is alcohol. So you think it would help?

[Mark Normand]

I think the alcohol. The alcohol isn't bad. It's not bad. It's not bad in the whole scheme of things. What it is is the alcohol causes inactivity on a plane and you pass out. And I think I passed out on my flight from New York to here with my leg underneath me and, like, just passed out. And I had gotten a massage. I'm not saying this is the cause of it. I got Rolfed because I thought I had a foot problem. And the dude fucked my leg.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that all. I'm sure that added to it.

[Mark Normand]

That's what they said. They go, I think you probably got injured. And. Because I was injured, and this is like a perfect storm of blood clots. Because I was injured, I stepped up my testosterone, thinking it would heal me. And so all these things mixed. And I had Covid 11 times. I think it's four vaccinations, but that's. And so.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you can't be sitting on. You gotta. You gotta. George Floyd that calf, by the way.

[Stavros Halkias]

Perfect storm of blood clots. That's Clooney's next movie, but yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So a glass. I'm having a poroso. I need a drink.

[Mark Normand]

Have a drink. Have a drink. Have a drink. Have a drink.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is like when Ebert lost his face and he was like, eat for me.

[Mark Normand]

It's not like that. It's not like that. What's crazy is I'm in the hospital. I'm in this, you know, this is how my brain works. And you guys know me well enough to know that I'll get made fun of for this, but it is how my brain works. I'm in the hospital, I get the blood clots everywhere. And then they leave the room and they don't tell me any diagnosis. They just tell me I have blood clots. And Leanne goes. And I go, leanne. I'm like, yo, this will fuck the promo up for my TV show. Like I'm supposed to be hardcore press flying back and forth every to promote a show I absolutely love and stand by. And I'm like, this is gonna fuck everything up. And I'm on tour. I'm on the road straight for 25 days. The I'm on the road straight, straight, straight for nine weeks. And I'm like, what the fuck?

[Bert Kreischer]

Can you go bus?

[Mark Normand]

I'm on the bus. I'm on the bus. But I'm on the bus. I gotta fly to Austin tomorrow afternoon to get to my show in Austin. And then I'm doing a run in Texas. I go back, I'm doing Rogan Monday and then I'm taking the bus from Austin to Tampa because I don't wanna fly. I don't wanna fly. Flying's just a pain in the ass. I gotta get up every 30 minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh man.

[Mark Normand]

And I don't like flying.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm taping my next special in Tampa.

[Mark Normand]

Are you really? Yeah. Tampa theater. I love that venue. I love that venue.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know. You're the king of Tampa, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Go in, do. How many shows you doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

3.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, do 4.

[Stavros Halkias]

I can't cuz they. They were talking me out of it. I added the. The night before.

[Mark Normand]

Who's going to talk you out of it?

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, I added the Thursday show at 8:30 so they. So I wouldn't add a fourth.

[Bert Kreischer]

They.

[Stavros Halkias]

Please don't add a fourth. And I just for like loading the set in. They didn't want me to add a fourth.

[Mark Normand]

So add a fourth and film all of them. I did six on my last special.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I think I Think I can get it in three?

[Mark Normand]

I think you can get it in three. Here's the problem. You're shooting three. Yeah. So you shoot Thursday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And then you shoot Friday. Two shows Friday.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's perfect. Yeah. Your first show's a wash. They're not going to get it on the first show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Don't even worry about that first show. Everyone that I know goes, I got it on the first show. The special never was the thing they wanted.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Mark Normand]

And everyone. Because all the cameramen don't know their angles yet.

[Stavros Halkias]

You put some lime in here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, what is this, Korea? Come on, Give us a live.

[Stavros Halkias]

Hurting bird. Santino and I got after it.

[Mark Normand]

When? Last night.

[Stavros Halkias]

Tonight we got lit up.

[Mark Normand]

And then. How many podcasts have you done today?

[Stavros Halkias]

We had Adam Ray on earlier and.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, a lot of energy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of back and forth. A lot of zingers.

[Stavros Halkias]

It was great.

[Mark Normand]

Get ready for a snooze fest, everybody. Bert Kreisler's here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, here's the question. He's doing. Not doing Dr. Phil. You're not drinking. Are you worried that's going to change you? Your act, your brand, your whole. Your whole show is about being a party animal?

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're not worried?

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's gonna be fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Mark Normand]

No one knows that I'm drinking on or not drinking on stage.

[Bert Kreischer]

The show is called Fully Loaded. I mean, everything's boozy.

[Mark Normand]

No, my tour is called Permission to Party.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But, no, I don't think. I mean, you know, that's like the old thing. Like, if you lose weight, are you still funny? You know?

[Stavros Halkias]

Good point.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I don't. When I'm on stage, I'm sober. I'm doing the show sober. I perform sober. I drink at the end. Towards the machine story. Cause I go. Because it's my night and I'm done. For me, I just go.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that's in your bones?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's autopilot for you.

[Mark Normand]

It's like when I'm drinking, telling the machine. It's like I just go a little longer with it, and I fuck around with the story. That's just to make the machine fun for me. But for the most part, I go up with coffee, and, like, I do a coffee mix of coffee and protein shake, and I've always done that, but I don't. I don't like. I don't like performing drunk. I've done it, but I don't like it. You really did have.

[Stavros Halkias]

I mean, what is. What did you eat? For real?

[Bert Kreischer]

I Got blood clots in my ass. I'm trying to get them out. Yeah, Sorry, folks. I had a big lunch at a tortilla soup. It was unbelievable. But, yeah, back to the club. I mean, you look like you're a gynecologist. Miami dude. I'm worried about you.

[Mark Normand]

Don't. Don't. I mean, listen, I. I think I'd be dead by now.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a good point. I'm glad I saw. I'm glad I partied with Bert. We went to Ireland. We went all over the uk. My bachelor party. We had a great time. The. Yeah, we've. We've lived with the Fully loaded. The bus tour, because it's r for the old br ert.

[Stavros Halkias]

You have to throw up. An I will remember you graphic here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of the fully loaded days.

[Mark Normand]

I'm past it's over and drinking.

[Stavros Halkias]

What with Seth Meyers.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like when Prior buried the N word. This is. Yeah, he stopped using the N word towards the end. He was like. He went to Africa and he got all spiritual and he's like, the N word's bad.

[Stavros Halkias]

Took him a long time to realize that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he sold it to Michael Richards, but. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Did you get a good deal?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think so. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think it worked out.

[Mark Normand]

No. I. Yeah, I'll drink again. 1. I own a vodka company. I don't quit drinking.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know, we'll do it for. We're carrying the torch for you till then, dude.

[Mark Normand]

I wish. I can't even eat edibles right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Really can't smoke weed.

[Stavros Halkias]

Coffee you can do.

[Mark Normand]

I can barely do. I'm allowed one cup a day.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're raw dog in life.

[Stavros Halkias]

You know what? Che Guevara, when they told him to cut down on cigars, that you can have two cigars a day, he'd smoke them this long.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's badass.

[Mark Normand]

I asked her if I could have cigars, and she was like, you, blood clots in your lungs. And I was like, weed. She goes, what are we doing here? Yeah. And then I was like, well, what can I be by a campfire?

[Stavros Halkias]

You might become a candy guy, dude.

[Mark Normand]

No, you're.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was in. I was in a. I was in a late night. It was a Tell and Artie Lang.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And they were just like talking about the highs you get from fucking candies.

[Mark Normand]

For real.

[Stavros Halkias]

And it tells, like all these now and later. Is this fucking. I'm like, oh, these are two sober dudes getting high on candy.

[Mark Normand]

No, I'm On. I mean, let's take it to the next level, everybody. I'm on Manjaro, so I'm on a pteraseptide. So I don't eat at all. Like, I don't eat. I feel sick if I eat. So I barely eat. All I'm eating is fish, because it's what I'm supposed to eat.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what's the vice? You gotta have a. Take the edge off.

[Mark Normand]

Well, we're trying to find that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

The outfits. I guess this is some way to get.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, this is the advice. I mean, it was gonna be like, I said to myself, this year, I'm not gonna buy anything. Like, I'm gonna try not to buy anything. Cause I spent last year just buying shit that I bought.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's the crazy thing you bought?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been to his house. It's on. It's like a fucking.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was at your old house. I haven't seen the new one.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, the new ones. The new one's stupid.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's a crazy thing you bought?

[Mark Normand]

I mean, I bought Tom a race car.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

About $120,000 for his birthday.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mark got me a gift card to a bar.

[Mark Normand]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. You know that. Hang on. Do you know the premise of this?

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Mark Normand]

So this is back when, you know, like. Like, you guys will look back at this podcast and go, God, we were good back then. Tom and I look back at Two Bears back then, and we were so. It was all we had. We didn't have TV shows, We didn't have movies. We didn't have tours. It was, like, kind of during the pandemic. And we started buying each other birthday gifts.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And we said, we're gonna buy more expensive birthday gifts for the next person. So they had to top it next year. And so Tom, for my first. For my first birthday, he sent me, like. He started it. He bought me a $6,000 bike, an electric bike that went 45 miles an hour. It was the only gift I got that was good. That year, my daughters, my wife, everyone got me something. And then this bike shows up, and I'm hammered, and I get on it, and I go flying through my neighborhood, and I had the funnest time listening to music, not a care in my fucking life. And I called Tommy. I go, that's the best present I've ever gotten.

[Stavros Halkias]

That sounds so dangerous. The Jew in me is like, that sounds so fucking dangerous, dude. You get the music on, you're fucking zipping. Oh, you lose your senses.

[Mark Normand]

And then Tommy goes, I can't wait to see what you get me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, boy.

[Mark Normand]

So excited.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got to one up him.

[Mark Normand]

So I bought him, like, a $15,000 jet ski. It went like. It went like 75 miles per hour.

[Bert Kreischer]

Holy.

[Mark Normand]

And he loves speed. And he just moved, by the way.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is how Paul Walker died. They kept upping the ante.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, exactly.

[Mark Normand]

And so he gets it. And he was flying. He would call me and he's like, dude, it is 7am, I just had my coffee and I'm going 75 miles per hour on this fucking lake.

[Bert Kreischer]

That sounds awesome.

[Mark Normand]

So then he goes, I can't wait to get your birthday present. I'm in the middle of promoting the machine. My schedule's chaotic. I'm trying to get to Austin, and I get a call from Tommy, and he goes, hey, everything's been taken care of. I had to go from Minnesota to Austin, Austin to la, LA back to Austin, and then Austin back on the road. And Tommy said, I got you covered. And I was like, what? He was like, don't worry about your flight tomorrow. Everything's fine. They're gonna fill you in tomorrow morning.

[Stavros Halkias]

So I wake up, it's a massage from a man.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not enough money.

[Mark Normand]

No, that's definitely not. He got me a G6 to take me to Austin, then take me to LA, then back to Austin, then back out on the road. I'm talking with a flight attendant and full meals. And I was like, oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull up a G6.

[Mark Normand]

It's the shit.

[Stavros Halkias]

What's so cool about it?

[Bert Kreischer]

I always wonder why it's got the.

[Mark Normand]

Bed in the back. It's the fucking. It's a big body plane, so you can stand up and walk around and it was crazy. It was crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was wondering why Christina stayed with him. Look at that.

[Mark Normand]

So then the next year, he wanted to learn. It was crazy. I remember I would just invite people on the plane because we were. I was like, guys, we have so much room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I mean, we flew producers for the movie because we were, like, screening the movie and flying back to screen it again in Texas. And we. I flew producers on the plane. I was like, tom got the plane for us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom transitioned to rich guy so easily.

[Mark Normand]

He loved it.

[Bert Kreischer]

He loves it.

[Mark Normand]

You know what?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's from Ohio.

[Mark Normand]

He's the best. You know, I think I did an interview one time with Slash. I don't know if I've talked about this on a podcast or not, but I'm gonna. I'll share it here. Yeah, I Interviewed Slash and they said. One thing they said is, don't ask him about Guns N Roses.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

And it was.

[Stavros Halkias]

And I was, you want to talk about pottery? What are we talking about? That's kind of your thing.

[Mark Normand]

We're supposed to talk about Slash's Snake Pit. It was his new band.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay, okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

And he was in Velvet Revolver, right? He's in something else. Not Velvet Revolver.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

What was he in? He's in another bank. No, he's in another band.

[Mark Normand]

Wasn't he, Slash? His Snake Pit.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's it.

[Mark Normand]

That's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

He was in another band after Guns N Roses. Am I fucking dumb?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

So I show up to the show, and he's already drinking in my green room.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hell, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

It's like six in the morning.

[Bert Kreischer]

Jesus. Hell, no.

[Mark Normand]

And he's like, I got kicked out of our house last night. They told me, you have booze in here. I kind of let myself in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Still a rocker. I love it.

[Mark Normand]

I'm 28 years old, 27 years old, and it's Slash. It's still Slash to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

So I sit down, I drink with him, and we have the greatest morning ever. Like, we're just shooting the shit, and it's, like, so loose that by the time we get to the stage, we're hammered. He's like. We're walking together. We're like boys, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And we sit down and I go, hey, what am I supposed to talk about, buddy? Ask me anything. Whoa. So the first thing I said is, I go, why did Guns N Roses break up? And he just goes, that's a great question that no one's ever asked me.

[Bert Kreischer]

We weren't allowed to.

[Mark Normand]

I know. No one's. Cause they go. They don't want to get. And you can see his team, like, ugh. And he said, one of the most interesting things, and I think this is important when you think of, like, especially the LA comedy scene is like, he goes, you know, we were all street kids and we were all broke together, and we all lived on the street, and we were all the same type of person. We just wanted to get fucked up, play music and fuck chicks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

And then we went on the road, and we were like, all the same person when we get on the bus, get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music. And he goes, and then we toured the world. We're in Brazil. We're the same. Kids get fucked up, fuck chicks, play music, get on the bus, love it. And he goes, we got done. I think he said, brazil. We got done our last show. And we come back to la, we sit at our manager's office, and they're like, this is how much money you have. And he goes, and they realized none of us had anywhere to stay. We're all in hotels. And they're like, where do you want to buy a house? And Slash was like, easy. We're all living on the Sunset Strip, right above the Roxy. Right above the. That's where we're gonna move. And Axl was like, I'm moving to Malibu. And Slashy's like, what the fuck?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he changed.

[Mark Normand]

And he was like, no. But Slashie goes, that's what I've always wanted to be. That's where I've always wanted to live. And so when I look back at the LA scene, like, at our best, like, all these comics, dude. When we were all broke comics, by.

[Stavros Halkias]

The way, I thought, heroin is why they broke up. That's so funny. He's like, he moved to a different zip code. It wasn't cool.

[Mark Normand]

But he goes, we were different rich people.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know, but. But there's that thing in the. In the. Behind the music.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's like, if actually, if Slash doesn't start. Stop dancing with Mr. Brownstone, he's out of the band. You're like, oh, shit.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I think. I think Steven Adler had a problem, too.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, they were all fucked up.

[Mark Normand]

They were all fucked up.

[Stavros Halkias]

God, in the 90s, I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know if Slash was in the place where he was going to be like, I had a heroin problem. Steven had a heroin problem.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you see the video of him where he's so fucked up with a cigarette in his mouth, it just, like, falls down his pants.

[Mark Normand]

And he's still playing, by the way. He rocked leather pants.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, big time.

[Mark Normand]

And you. And I can't stop rubbing them. They're so fucking soft.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're very smooth.

[Mark Normand]

I might send you guys a couple pairs.

[Stavros Halkias]

Anyway, we'll wear them on the pod if you do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

You going to commando?

[Mark Normand]

Of course. What is that? You've been shitting in your pants the entire time.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is a great time to go to sheath or underwear.

[Mark Normand]

You should wear two pairs of underwear.

[Bert Kreischer]

Net in my ass.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. But what's interesting about me and Tom is, like, broke comics were identical. Identical.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got that right.

[Mark Normand]

The second we make money, he's a very different. Like, Tom wants a house that is furnished and it's set, and you just move in. Turnkey ready. Me and Leanne, we buy a fixer up or we tear it down. We build it together.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like that.

[Mark Normand]

Spend a year and six months building the house. Cause that's who we are.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, Mark moved to a big townhouse in Brooklyn, and I'm in an apartment doorman building in the Village. I like, you know, But I'm a single guy. He's got the family now.

[Mark Normand]

But it's interesting as you grow as men. You. You. You're not the same type of person.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

You're different even. Like, you look at Ari. Ari's made money, but he still saved this one guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

He doesn't want to.

[Mark Normand]

He's. I think he's a. Not afraid of the growth. Can you edit something out? All right, go back. But. No, but, like. But you look at Ari and, like, Ari definitely is someone who was like, I don't want to change. I want to be the exact same guy. Which is.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's why we love him.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Which is noble. And you're like, great. It's like, look at Shane. Like, Shane's an interesting millionaire.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

Like, he's like. You can see Shane not. Not changing at all, but changing at times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. He likes nice shit, but he's still a regular guy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And it's interesting to watch someone. You know, I said to you a long time ago, Mark, I was like, I can't wait to see how you deal with fame.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, one day I'll get there.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're doing all right.

[Mark Normand]

You're doing all right, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow. I don't even know if I want to be famous. I like this level. I like. I'm selling out shows. We got a nice podcast. I hang out with my friends. I got a nice house with a family.

[Mark Normand]

Do you want anything more?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Stavros Halkias]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you do.

[Stavros Halkias]

We wrote a movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I mean, I like to do fun stuff, but I'm not like, hey, I want to be a movie star.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, why don't you write a movie?

[Stavros Halkias]

You want to act.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on. I want to see if we can do it.

[Mark Normand]

Find your truth. Because if you're lying to yourself, you're lying to everyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, so, like.

[Mark Normand]

Because that's. That's a tough part.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think I know exactly what he's going to say. You want to. You want to make fun shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

And we wrote a fun. And we wrote a fun movie for.

[Mark Normand]

You guys to star in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a fun.

[Mark Normand]

It's a funny Fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we wrote a funny movie with a ton of jokes in it, and we were proud of it. We have Dave Attell in it. We'd like you to be in it, Stavra. All these fun people. So to me, that's. That's not about fame. That's like, hey, we're making a movie.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, but don't get confused. The second you enter the movie system.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ooh.

[Mark Normand]

It's a different fucking animal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? See, that scares me. I don't like that animal, dude.

[Mark Normand]

I have a fucking TV show coming out. Is that you on a private jet?

[Bert Kreischer]

Berkowitz took that in, like, 2015.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I was like, that doesn't look like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was Schumer. I was hungover. Shit.

[Stavros Halkias]

Look at that fucking beard, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I was on the road for a while without a razor. Good times.

[Mark Normand]

The thing about. The thing about, like, TV shows and movies and stuff is, like, when you do a special, you release it. You know it's gonna do well. You're like, well, no, but you did the material for 18 months on the road.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good point.

[Mark Normand]

Unless you're one of these other comics that go, I'm Go out for three weeks and try it out. You're like, good luck.

[Stavros Halkias]

But, like, for us, to me, that's like. It's insane.

[Mark Normand]

Wildly irresponsible.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

When you hear a comic, you know, I gotta give it up.

[Stavros Halkias]

Part of the fun is getting it good.

[Mark Normand]

Of course, I gotta give it up for Marcelo Hernandez, because he's crushing his special. Did very well. He's a great kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good guy.

[Mark Normand]

But he was gonna do that. He told Chris Rock, yeah, I'm getting ready to do my special I'm gonna do next weekend and get rehearsed.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's it.

[Mark Normand]

Chris Rock was like, cancel it. He was like, what? He's like, you're not ready. And he canceled it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for him.

[Mark Normand]

And then took time to work on the material.

[Bert Kreischer]

And good for Rock to tell him that.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, that'd be in the back of your head the whole time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You don't want. You don't want that voice in the head being like, you're not ready.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we've all seen specials. We're like, how do they put this out? What, are they crazy? This is like half the jokes, you know, they do the shit where they're like, I don't have an ending to that next thing. And you're like, what? You don't have an ending? That's our whole.

[Stavros Halkias]

That was your closer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Crazy. A lot of that.

[Mark Normand]

I see a lot of it. I mean, it's like, I don't understand someone that doesn't take a special as serious as. As as their health. Like, I like when I do a special.

[Stavros Halkias]

My next special is called Blood Clot. It's gonna be really good.

[Mark Normand]

I would have. I would have. The bloodcock would have been an okay way to die now.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Stavros Halkias]

No, don't fucking.

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no, no. You don't want to die. You don't want to die from, like. Like, an easy joke, you know, like, about my liver fails, and it's like, oh, fuck, I'm fucking right. You know, if I get a DUI and get in a car accident. Come on. Yeah, if you want to. Like, you want to get attacked by a shark, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but what if your next special is amazing because you didn't drink? Then you can't go back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I can. I can do whatever the I want.

[Stavros Halkias]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know where these rules are coming from. You mark.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I'm just saying, because then you're.

[Mark Normand]

You're like, oh, it's like, Bert's dad, He's gone to us. I just. I'm not drinking until my blood clot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm still in shock. It's like, when have you ever known.

[Mark Normand]

Me to lose weight and keep it off or stop drinking and never. I mean, I am a fucking gain it back kind of guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a good point. But it's like seeing Carrot Top without the props or something.

[Mark Normand]

I love that you said that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

You have not seen the series yet, have you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a link today right before we're coming here.

[Mark Normand]

I did that in this. That's in the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Carrot Top.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I love Carrot Top. I'm not a hater.

[Mark Normand]

I leaned in. I leaned in to like.

[Stavros Halkias]

So by the way, the show is free, Bert. It's on Netflix January 22nd, which I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure is out by now.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

When this comes out the art mirror and looking good.

[Mark Normand]

She looks great.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a cool.

[Mark Normand]

Girls are the stars. They really are. They steal the show.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, But Epstein said that.

[Mark Normand]

But I leaned into, like, all the. That I get online. I leaned into all of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good. Own it.

[Mark Normand]

I leaned into it like, there's a. That's how you just watch the show. But I was like, whatever people say about me, like, he's just gotta take shirt off. Yeah, I leaned into that. What are you. Without taking your shirt off? I leaned into that when people show up. You didn't take your shirt off.

[Stavros Halkias]

You ate. Mild yourself.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, fuck it. I was like. I was like, I'm already done. I'm done with like, I'm done. With, like, I know what people say. So I'm just gonna fucking include it because that is in my inner thought, Right? The shit people say about you does enter the. The pathos and ethos. And you're sitting there with it in your head going, like. Like. Like, would people show up if I didn't take my shirt off?

[Bert Kreischer]

They would. Yeah, they would.

[Stavros Halkias]

They would.

[Mark Normand]

You know, and they'd be like, why.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is this shirt on?

[Mark Normand]

There would be 80% of the room that's going like, is he. Is he gonna take it off?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's true.

[Mark Normand]

It would. It's like, I brought a guitar on stage one time when I was young, and I put. At the Boston Comedy Club, and I put it next to the fireplace and tried to do material and then play it, and they all just stared at the guitar. And I was like, oh, yeah, never do that again. Iggy Pop had one leg shorter than the other.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you know that?

[Mark Normand]

That's why he walked like that. See him standing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's because one leg's shorter than the other.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yikes. Now that is gonna get a pair of panties on that guy. So low.

[Stavros Halkias]

Ali McPeel looks terrible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nikki Glazer. What are you doing? Oh, there we go. He's hot There.

[Mark Normand]

That's not Iggy Pop.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, that's a young pop.

[Mark Normand]

70. Are you serious?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. It's tough when you have a sick body, and then you're just like, I'm sticking with this. And you're like, oh, boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's up?

[Mark Normand]

That now that's my fear.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Mark Normand]

No booze. Six months, Manjaro testosterone, and you come ripped. And I love working out.

[Stavros Halkias]

So you're just gonna be a ripped guy without a shirt.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you that's no good.

[Mark Normand]

I told. I was with Chappelle one night, and we're fucking boozing, and I told him. I was like. He's like, dude. He was like, your shoulders, man. And I was like, I'm shirtless. And he's look at those things. And he's like, your shoulders, man. And he goes, you know, man, he goes, you're inspiring me. I want to work out. I want to get jacked. And I was like, yeah. And I was like, you know, people would say, like, what if I lose weight? Will I still be funny? And he just, in the best Chappelle way, just leans in. He goes, him get ripped and shredded. Be a rock star. And I was like, oh, you know, all you have to hear is one thing from Chappelle or Cat Williams and You're like, that's what I'm doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he got ripped or. He was a skinny guy. Every special, he's like a twig skinny pothead. And now he's like. He's guns ablazing now.

[Mark Normand]

Should be spelled. Do you remember when Chappelle showed up with big arms?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And you were like, yo.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was weird.

[Stavros Halkias]

The funny thing is when a comedian gets healthy, we're like, are you okay?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Like, you made a. You made a wise mental choice.

[Mark Normand]

I'm more comfortable. I'm more comfortable as a fuck up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Same. Well, I watched the Gore special and he's like, weirdly thin. Like, so in shape that you're like, whoa. It's jarring.

[Mark Normand]

He's 185 pounds right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's thinner than me.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I know. He's been everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, pull up, pull up. Segura now. Cuz he. It was. The face is thin. You could just tell. Like, he's got a. Like a sculpting thing going on. He's got a trainer. He's hot. Look out. Look at the T shirt. It's baggy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Look at this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But I think I'm done taking those pictures, by the way. That was a period in my life when I was, like, so excited. I was losing weight. And then I was like, no one wants to fucking see that. Like, no one wants to see you looking good.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Mark Normand]

And you don't think it about you. But then you're like, what the. Fuck off. Aaron Berg. What are you doing? Love Aaron Berg. I'm just. I mean, but like, look at this. In that picture to the right. No, that's not real.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fake.

[Mark Normand]

Go to the blue with the blue background.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that guy's in Syracuse.

[Mark Normand]

Look at. Look at. I mean, I'm just like, look at.

[Bert Kreischer]

The guns, the shoulders.

[Stavros Halkias]

You look like fucking Julian Edelman there from far.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, look at that.

[Mark Normand]

Thank you to the chosen people.

[Bert Kreischer]

You got that right.

[Mark Normand]

But, yeah, I mean, right now I'm just like. I work out because I like it. And I'm eating. I'm eating, like, clean only because I'm on Manjaro, But I'm only on Manjaro because Leanne took me to the doctor and the doctor was like, yo. And this is at my fattest, when I was filming Free Burt, I got done and Free bert. I'm like 275 pounds the whole series.

[Stavros Halkias]

How tall are you?

[Mark Normand]

Six one. Six foot six one. And so I go, I get done. She takes Me to the doctor. My cardiologist is like, yo. He's like, you're. You're very heavy. I was like. And I said to him, I was like, I'm not the heaviest. I was been. And he goes, yeah, by one pound. You were one pound heavier last time you came in. And I go, well, I lift weight, so I'm very muscular. And he goes, how much muscle's in there? So he took. He did a scan of my body to check to see. Like, it's called. It's called a DEXA scan. And he was like, yo, you have 90 pounds in your stomach of visceral fat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, is that a lot? He was like, it's like a Romanian gymnast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

He's like, you're holding onto a human in your stomach. It's bad for your back. It's bad for your knees. It's bad for everything. And he was like. And I told him, I'm not gonna do Manjaro, because I was like, I don't wanna cheat. I don't wanna cheat.

[Stavros Halkias]

So that's like Ozempic.

[Mark Normand]

It's like ozempic. It's pterozeptide. It's the same thing. Cut your appetite. And then he goes, okay. And he goes, I'll tell you what. I'll see you in three months, and you're gonna be £300.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, for real? And then I just did it. The first time I did it, it was my birthday, November 3rd, or that was a week, and I did it, and I noticed that I cut my eating cut back and my drinking kind of cut in half. And I was like, well, that's not bad. And then I upped my dosage and was violently ill for a week, like, throwing up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, he. I don't know if I'm allowed to say, but. You microdosed Ozempic?

[Mark Normand]

I'm microdosing now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It's smart.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, It's. It's. It's so much better to be, like, microdosing. And then if you feel you're eating, just punch a little more in.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And then pull a country.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is starving. And we're just like, I'm going to take just a little to cut out, like, a snack, Right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. But you know what? Hang on, hang on. Can I. Can I just. Can I politically rant for the first time?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, shit. You're a big ice fan.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's all I can eat these days.

[Mark Normand]

Dude, I love it. I love him. Friday, another Friday.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love us the.

[Mark Normand]

You know, it's like, I watched this fucking documentary about global warming and they're like, you need to do your part, Alan Gore. And I was like, hang on, fuck off. We're doing our part. How about the fucking animals all around the world that are burning trash in their front yard? Like, let's be real, it's not us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, India's number one pollution, and then.

[Mark Normand]

China, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, bank, you name it. Thailand, they're burning trash in their front yard. It's not us.

[Stavros Halkias]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Stavros Halkias]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Mark Normand]

Yeah, there are starving people over there, but we have an obesity problem. And it's not really because it's. I mean, obviously we have a ton of food and we have a ton of money, but it's the food we're eating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Processed.

[Mark Normand]

Processed as fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Poison.

[Mark Normand]

Go to Vietnam, you get a sandwich off the street. None of that shit's processed.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true.

[Stavros Halkias]

Have you been to Vietnam?

[Mark Normand]

Fuck yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You get comedy there?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. I did a travel channel show there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Mark Normand]

It's crazy. But like, you look at this. You look at Eastern Africa, West Africa, dude. That's where the pollution problem is not us. So stop making films for white people to watch and feel guilty about their suv. That's not the problem. The problem is that river that we're. I mean, look, sure, we could cut back on pollution on our part.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But also, let's invade this country, whatever it's called, and go, hey, guys, let me show you what a trash can is like. Let me show you it doesn't go in your fucking river.

[Bert Kreischer]

They won't yell at them because it's bad optics. You can't yell at the brown kid who's throwing a bottle in the river. It's not. They won't do it because they care more about optics than justice.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll jump back into this with Corolla next week.

[Mark Normand]

But that's like, I just kind of watched this David Attenborough documentary, and he's like, this is what we're doing to ruin the planet. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Cut to India, where they're shitting in the lake.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, remember Carlin's bit about, like, the planet's been through worse. The planet's gonna be just fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think plastic bag. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

By the way, China, they. They have so much pollution, they have screens with the sun on it. So you know what it looks like?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Dude, China is wild. China.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mark's always there with his son when he's on the road.

[Bert Kreischer]

There we go.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm back.

[Mark Normand]

China has one time zone. Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

For the whole. It's huge.

[Mark Normand]

For the whole country. They have. They were like, no, no, no, no, no. It's noon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, noon's really dark for me. I know that's your noon. My noon is the middle of the afternoon.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn. That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Isn't that crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

They're wild.

[Mark Normand]

Do you want to hear a deep thought? I got high one time. I fucking. I called Joe about this.

[Stavros Halkias]

So what if Sober bird just becomes really political?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, I love it. That'll be fun.

[Mark Normand]

There's a big move in comedy these days. Have you not seen it?

[Stavros Halkias]

The Griff, baby.

[Mark Normand]

You either got to do crowd work or lean hard. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true. Those are big.

[Stavros Halkias]

The Grift is. Is coming, baby. A lot of people are leaning in.

[Mark Normand]

Very few people do material these days. It's a lot of, like, what will the fans clap at?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Or how can I get them interactive?

[Stavros Halkias]

How can I victimize myself?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. I was molested. You're like, well, where's the bit? Where's the joke?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. No one turned.

[Stavros Halkias]

I was just Talking to my therapist, but yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. That's why I'm glad. Like, do all the crowd you want. We'll be over here telling jokes more for us.

[Mark Normand]

I write stories. I have no joke. Like, people go. Like, people yell shit out for crowd work, and I'll do crowd works. I'm a comedian, but I'll go, hey, guys, that's also not what I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I'm a comedian. Like, I write. I prepare. Yeah. I'm a story guy. And so. But here's the crazy fucking deep thought. So Genghis Khan killed, like, 60 million people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Most of the Earth, what, seven, 700 years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Huh?

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that right?

[Mark Normand]

Probably. I mean, do the math. I'm close. I'm close enough that you don't need to Google it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, you can Google. I thought it was less than that, but all right.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

60 million. There you go. 20 to 60.

[Mark Normand]

20 to say. Let's call it 60. So it's fun, more than Hitler. Let's do what you guys do with the Holocaust. Let's call it 60 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then Mao is up there, too. Mao might be more, but keep going.

[Mark Normand]

Just keep it a Genghis Khan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. What's 700 years ago? 1200. Right. How many?

[Stavros Halkias]

800.

[Mark Normand]

How many Asians do you think there'd be?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he did us a favor. Good point. I never thought of it that way.

[Stavros Halkias]

I never realized they were making up for lost time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I guess so. Thank God for Connie. Holy shit. It would be all Asian.

[Mark Normand]

Movie nightmare.

[Stavros Halkias]

They send it back in time. You have to do something about the population.

[Mark Normand]

We would have all fucked an Asian chick by now. Like, you would have had to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, man, I'm a Jew.

[Stavros Halkias]

I went through that phase. We all do. That's much more of a rite of passage than a bar mitzvah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true.

[Stavros Halkias]

You got to go through an Asian phase. Good point.

[Mark Normand]

Can you imagine, right. Procreating for 700 years? 60 million. 60 million Asian people procreating for 700 years. And you got to remember those first 300 years. You got four generations in it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah. World War II didn't help.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, A lot. A lot of. Well, we're killed. Japanese. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

[Mark Normand]

Talk about the Civil War. Who are they fighting about?

[Stavros Halkias]

You know?

[Mark Normand]

But they were. They were slaves.

[Stavros Halkias]

Do we have to throw in a slur after the nuke mark? I mean, come on. The nuke's not enough.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's whatever you want to call it.

[Mark Normand]

There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's getting better. It's getting better.

[Mark Normand]

If we were playing a game called Hot and Cold, I'd go ice cold.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ice cold.

[Stavros Halkias]

Jesus Christ.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, BLEEP that.

[Stavros Halkias]

It also says Genghis Khan had an estimate of a thousand children.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Apparently every Asian is related to Genghis Khan.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Mark Normand]

Google it. Google it. Every. I got. I got. Really? On a Genghis Khan run.

[Stavros Halkias]

Nice.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You know, he knew Marco Polo.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Stavros Halkias]

Could he find him in a pool, though?

[Mark Normand]

No, Marco Polo got lost. That's why we play the game. Marco Polo got lost. And Genghis Khan and Marco Polo were boys. Like, he hung out with them and wrote a book about him. Or wrote about him, I swear to God. Isn't that crazy?

[Stavros Halkias]

You gotta say, if some of this are history hyenas. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

No, I'm not good enough in history. They'll correct me. Isn't it crazy to think, what was it? Thomas Jefferson and Napoleon were peers. No, Google it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Doesn't it seem like Napoleon's older?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, that's right. No, Napoleon. Napoleon. That's what's cooking, dude.

[Mark Normand]

So, Louisiana Purchase. Yeah, Louisiana. Five million Louisiana's from King Louis.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you knew that?

[Bert Kreischer]

I knew that. Well, from there. So we heard all about that. But, you know, Anne Frank and MLK are the same age. How about that?

[Stavros Halkias]

The same age.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know if they dated, but.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, they were born the same year. Sorry, she didn't make it. She didn't make it to the his age. But yeah, yeah, Barbara Walters, all born the same year.

[Mark Normand]

I just want all the podcast fans to know mlk. And wait, hold on. Start that over. Start that over. Edit what I just said out and start that over. I want to hear this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Barbara Walters, mlk, and Anne Frank, all born the same year.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on. How about that?

[Mark Normand]

What year? What year?

[Stavros Halkias]

I think it's like 26 or something. I'll look it up. She fucking crushed them.

[Mark Normand]

Barbara.

[Stavros Halkias]

Walter, she outlasted the fuck out of those two.

[Mark Normand]

Telling me Aunt Frank might have looked at Barbara Walters.

[Stavros Halkias]

If there's a lesson to be took from this, don't be political.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're gonna live longer, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, Good point.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good point.

[Mark Normand]

I got a great Anne Frank joke.

[Stavros Halkias]

I got an Anne Frank shank in my new hour. I got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Wait, can I. Are they the same?

[Stavros Halkias]

I hope not. I hope.

[Mark Normand]

I'll tell you mine. Edit it out. Sure. Because, guys, I don't put material in podcasts.

[Stavros Halkias]

Let's just do it at Dinner then.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, let's do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait. Pull up the United flight. They said, oh, because of Ozempic, everyone's losing weight and they're saving a ton on gasoline.

[Mark Normand]

Dude. When you meet people that have been on Ozempic or Pterozeptide, so for the average person, they see it, I think they think Amy Schumer and they're like, oh, is it vanity or what? I don't know. Whatever it is. Or for me, they go, oh, oh, okay. But for the average person I'm meeting, like, I'll talk about it on stage. Because I get a rash on my stomach and people come up to me like, I lost 70 pounds. And you're like, whoa. I mean, it really is. It's a band aid to a solution. The same way Zoloft is a band aid to, like, mental health problems. It gets you out of the hole.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you gotta hold onto it. You gotta do the work that's on you.

[Mark Normand]

You gotta do the work. You gotta get a trainer. You gotta get. You have to. When you get off it. Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Cause it's not forever.

[Mark Normand]

It's not forever, right. It's like Zoloft to get you out of the thing so you can get in therapy and then hopefully get off Zoloft.

[Stavros Halkias]

But like, have you ever done that stuff Zoloft?

[Mark Normand]

No, I'm afraid to.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good way to save money, though. Like, if you're eating a ton of food is expensive now, groceries going out, it's all very expensive. So if you're not eating at all and not drinking at all, you're probably saving a fortune.

[Mark Normand]

I'll tell you what's crazy is when people I've talked to that are overweight will say, do you. What do you think about? And I go, well, it does make. It gives you like a low grade flu the first few weeks. Wow. Yeah. I mean, I felt physically ill for a solid.

[Stavros Halkias]

Were you doing gigs during this?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Jesus.

[Mark Normand]

And like, coffee would make me ill. Like drinking. I had to get push a drink. I had to push and. And I couldn't eat steak. Couldn't touch steak. I couldn't eat anything. I like.

[Stavros Halkias]

Is there anything food that you craved while you're on it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Pussy.

[Mark Normand]

Italian subs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's still pretty fat.

[Mark Normand]

Oddly enough, Italian subs were like. For whatever reason, I was like, I'm really into Italian subs.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love an Italian sub, man. Defarros in Brooklyn just had that in Red Hook. Unfucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, they're the best.

[Stavros Halkias]

Unreal marinara, dude. Oh, my God.

[Mark Normand]

But overweight people would say to me, yeah, but I don't want to do that. And they're like, what, Feel a little sick and then lose weight? And they're like, yeah, like, food's my joy. And you're like, yeah, but that's the problem.

[Bert Kreischer]

Exactly.

[Mark Normand]

And you're like, you can't make it your joy. It's gotta be fuel. I wish I could.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, I don't disagree. Food should be fun too.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you can handle it.

[Mark Normand]

You can handle it. I can't handle. I mean, you've eaten with me. I order, I get like. I go get me, like, what are your five best apps? And then they bring them.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And then I like to razzle dazzle it. And I always get two meals because I like to. I don't get a healthy one. And then what I want, right? And then. And drinking is like, you know, I drink whatever I want to drink. I never. I've never had an issue with my drinking. No one's ever told me to stop. So, you know, I party my fucking face off. And then I get on a zempic. I go to dinner with Leanne, and I get a martini, and I'm like, ooh, that tasted off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And then I was like. And then I'm like, I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna be that guy. Murder another martini. Get a rib eye. I have a little bit of the cap. And I'm like, I don't. I'm just done.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dang.

[Mark Normand]

Go to bed, wake up feeling great. Go to the gym, workout. I mean, my first. It's been since November is January. I'm down, like, almost £40.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just had a thought. There's all these people starving in all these third world countries. We should give them Oz. Epic. They're hungry.

[Mark Normand]

Hunger pangs. They have. They're not just like, God, I'm hungry. It's their diet.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because they don't have food. Well, they'll die comfortably.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know his nutrition. This is Kinnison's bit. You need to go with the Ozempic is you got to go with the Ozempic.

[Mark Normand]

Why don't we just give them cocaine? And then they won't want to eat.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's not bad. And they'll be perked up. The reason for cocaine instead of bags.

[Stavros Halkias]

Of rice, bags of Coke for just 500amonth. You can sponsor a cokehead child.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'll never shut the.

[Mark Normand]

Up, guys. Have you tried Adderall? It cut my appetite in half.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm done. I Think we got something here.

[Mark Normand]

Have you ever done Adderall?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I love it.

[Stavros Halkias]

I do Concerta, but, yeah, I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's fun.

[Stavros Halkias]

I live on that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you would love it.

[Mark Normand]

I know I would. Guess what's on the no Fly list.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's campus cocaine, they call it. It's just good. It's. It.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's where I get it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Amphetamines, basically.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You.

[Bert Kreischer]

You should. You might get on it now that you got the clots, because you're going to need something.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, he might not be able to take it.

[Mark Normand]

I definitely can't take it 100%. I can't take an amphetamine.

[Stavros Halkias]

You might want to get on heroin.

[Mark Normand]

You should do it. Speed up that blood flow. See that cock. And clear a little quicker.

[Bert Kreischer]

My parents do a baby aspirin. That's their move. With a glass of wine. And they're all thinned out.

[Mark Normand]

No. Yeah, thanks, Dr. Mark. I'm on that also.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Stavros Halkias]

Mark's medical advice might be a good. Just have people in with real problems.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Imagine your wife when you're like, baby's got a fever, put in the cold tub.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, she's on her period now. I, you know, I keep her outside. Put the wolves at her.

[Mark Normand]

I used to have that in the special. Thank God you didn't come to me. Oh. Go to the river. Do some laundry.

[Stavros Halkias]

What was the baby's first word? Mark, what have you been saying to this kid?

[Mark Normand]

Make their first word a racial slur.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that'll be fun.

[Mark Normand]

What you should do.

[Stavros Halkias]

What was his first word?

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll talk later.

[Mark Normand]

Can I. Oh, he already said his first word. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, hold on. Can I tell you. Can I tell you a brilliant idea?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Reach out to a brand now and sell his first word. Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bluetooth.

[Mark Normand]

Just Bluetooth. How fucking funny would that be?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's funny.

[Mark Normand]

All you gotta do instead of going mom and daddy, because that's always the first word.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

Be like Pepsi. Yeah, Pepsi.

[Stavros Halkias]

The baby just loves Shopify.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's weird.

[Mark Normand]

And then the baby goes. Their first word. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, look. Guess who's talking Pepsi.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's pretty genius.

[Mark Normand]

It's. I'm telling you, that's more of a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whitney move than me. I feel like I can see her doing that.

[Mark Normand]

I think her baby already talked. How old's your baby?

[Stavros Halkias]

Her baby definitely talked. That's a mom. Come on. She's Gavin.

[Bert Kreischer]

A year and a week. So he's just hit a year.

[Mark Normand]

Dude, sell that first word.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll buy it that's not bad.

[Mark Normand]

No. Free bird. Free bird. Oh, shut up. That was your first word. Wait.

[Stavros Halkias]

We found out there's a way to make a poor Osos bodega cat cocktail. We gotta. We gotta promote the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull it up.

[Mark Normand]

For real.

[Stavros Halkias]

There's a whiskey. I mean, you're gonna get up off this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

We found it out.

[Mark Normand]

When you're.

[Stavros Halkias]

When you're back and you're ready to come back, I know you'll be bad. I don't like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, yeah, we're getting old. It had to end at some point. Everybody kept saying, stop talking like that.

[Mark Normand]

You're talking like I hooked up with a dude at camp. Camp. It's not over. We can still hang out, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

That could happen. I mean, you're gonna. Something's. You're gonna have to get a vice. It might be dudes like Charlie Sheen. He flipped over the menu. Did you see the doc?

[Mark Normand]

Of course.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he went to dudes.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think Bert's gonna be back, Dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Guys, it's either dudes or young.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, hold on, hold on. Hey, am I getting kicked out of the club?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Mark Normand]

What if I. What if I. What if I never drink? I went from.

[Stavros Halkias]

Definitely not.

[Mark Normand]

I called the girls. I called the girls. I was. I'm on the road for like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like.

[Mark Normand]

Like.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're on the injury reserve list right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You're on the.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I'm like George Kittle. I blew out my.

[Stavros Halkias]

You blow your Achilles, you're gonna come back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, There you go.

[Mark Normand]

I'll be back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Aaron Rodgers came back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He blew out his. Something right.

[Mark Normand]

Achilles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

On the first play with the Jets. That was. That was. You can't write the misery of a Jets fan any funnier than that.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that was brutal.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Can I tell you what's so. Like, he gave me his number.

[Stavros Halkias]

Aaron Rogers.

[Mark Normand]

When you talk about selling your kids. First words. His parents were genius. His name is Aaron. Number one in my phone book. Every time I look at my phone book. Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

And by the way, do you give someone your phone book, your phone number if you won't answer their FaceTime? Because I FaceTimed him so many times.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really? Was he on ayahuasca and all that shit?

[Mark Normand]

No. No. Oh, maybe. I don't know. Yeah. You know what? I don't know where he was at the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Time.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's an odd dude. I watch his doc.

[Mark Normand]

I. I mean, but hang on. Otter than Rogan.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, he is.

[Stavros Halkias]

I would say.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. Oh, really?

[Stavros Halkias]

I think he is.

[Mark Normand]

Softer than Joe. Meaning. I think Joe's more of a. Like more. Joe's more of like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

Than an NFL player. A joke. Could take a lot. He's.

[Stavros Halkias]

I think Joe. I think Joe is way less stubborn and rigid than Aaron Rodgers.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah, I think. Yeah, yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

A far more open minded person.

[Mark Normand]

Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. Because he got. He stopped talking to his family.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, is that right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know that.

[Mark Normand]

I think they were selling secrets.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that's.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, I mean that. I don't think that's related to all the other though. I think he is. He's a. Probably a complicated guy, but.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I bet he is. I mean when I met him, he was like an open book.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really.

[Mark Normand]

I mean him. He showed up in our tour bus with wet hair, like out of the shower and we had cameras on. Were you with us?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think so. I would remember that.

[Mark Normand]

We had cameras on. And he was like, yeah. And he just spilled the beans. Like, I mean like everything was. Everyone was wondering what he was gonna do and leave the Packers.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And what was happening with Jordan Love. And was. And he. I mean he talked like an open book in front of the cameras. And I was like, hey, can we turn the cameras off? And he was like, yeah, sure, turn him off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And I think he just knew. You're not gonna post this. You're not gonna post any of this.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's kind of conspiracy guy too.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't think he would have minded though. He seems to talk and he wants it to be out there.

[Mark Normand]

I don't. Yeah, I don't think he gives a fuck. I wish I didn't give a fuck. Like I do give a fuck, you know, like I care. I wish I didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but that's gonna get you in trouble if you don't care. Uh oh, there's Aaron Rodgers.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, shit. What if it is Aaron Rogers?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you gotta answer it. It. Oh boy. What is that?

[Stavros Halkias]

Ringer, dude.

[Mark Normand]

It's.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's so gentle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Boomer.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, it's the co star of my show. Let's see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where is it? Arden.

[Mark Normand]

It's Arden. Arden, we're with Mark.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, Arden. Okay, we just. Hi, how are you, Mark? Good, good to see you. I just. I just saw the billboard. Hey.

[Mark Normand]

Here, I'll give you the camera.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay. Okay, I'm gonna turn it around. Okay, I'm gonna turn it around. We gotta wait for it cuz it rotates. It's okay, I'm gonna wait. We gotta Wait for it. Right. Okay.

[Mark Normand]

She's beautiful.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very nice.

[Mark Normand]

She's so great.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's good. Here we go. Crazy. Resume it. Here we go.

[Mark Normand]

Have you. Billboards are pretty. I'm so, so old school.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I love it. Times Square, baby.

[Mark Normand]

I'm showing you the camera.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Can you see?

[Mark Normand]

I see it. No, I see it, but I don't see the billboard.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, it's coming. It's coming.

[Mark Normand]

It'll be back. Great podcasting.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, wait, it's coming.

[Mark Normand]

Just speed this up and just cut to the. Just cut to the. Just cut right to the building.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got a rotate. It's going to show eight other shows. Kardashians. Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

Marcelo Anthony has a special.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hernandez.

[Stavros Halkias]

You combine Carmelo Anthony and Marcelo right there.

[Mark Normand]

No, this is just as good, I think, the anticipation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, wait, wait, wait.

[Mark Normand]

Hold on. Oh, I'm getting kicked off WI Fi.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, good move.

[Stavros Halkias]

Okay, guys, feel free to Google Burt's billboard if this isn't working for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, can we pull it up? Okay, Nephew, I'm in a podcast.

[Mark Normand]

Just take a picture and send it to me, okay? Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you, buddy.

[Mark Normand]

Bye. Love you. Bye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Congratulations. Okay. Hey, that's. Hey, big boy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, can I tell.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's just one in general.

[Bert Kreischer]

I see.

[Mark Normand]

So wait. So wait, can I tell you what's crazy about that billboard? So my special. You know this story. Mm.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mm.

[Mark Normand]

So my special, hey, big boy, came out March 20th. March 17th, 2020.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

Stay at home orders are March 13th. So that special performed pretty well. Wow.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's what changed our careers. We put out YouTube specials that came out around those in 2020. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So.

[Mark Normand]

And that billboard went up March 17th. Mark.

[Stavros Halkias]

Norm.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I took that photo.

[Mark Normand]

I think it was up for, like, three months. Yeah, because they didn't change the billboard.

[Stavros Halkias]

Because it was a ghost town.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, because it was ghost town.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you didn't get the foot traffic.

[Mark Normand]

And I remember you, like, texted me, like, dude, your billboard's still up. That's it. I didn't get any foot traffic. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. But that was a great time for content because people were just consuming the shit out of everything.

[Mark Normand]

Can we celebrate? Can we celebrate Mark for a second? I was talking about, like, old school Mark, right? Like the. The, like, push around Mark. Like. Like, when you could go, hey, we're drinking. And Mark was so young in comedy, he'd be like, okay, all right. Not saying that it's changed a ton, but, like, when we went to Ireland that tripped.

[Stavros Halkias]

If I twist his arm, he'll fucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

He'll get yeah. Pretty easy to push to Europe.

[Mark Normand]

We got him addicted to Ambien.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's right. With mans.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, we got him addicted to Ambien. We drank our faces off. I mean, our faces off. Do you remember that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. There's a photo. Be on a plane like this, and you took it. And I mean, just the.

[Mark Normand]

We held him down. There's one. When we were in Ireland, he had a pimple on his back and we held him down.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a video of that somewhere.

[Mark Normand]

And we popped it and he was like, screaming.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was wild. That was at the. The Vicar Street. Then we all pull our asses out on stage. Remember that?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Torres.

[Mark Normand]

Cow head came over.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cow head. Yeah. We told those crazy stories and then we did. You puked at the airport. Almost remember that? At like 7:00am in like, Copenhagen.

[Mark Normand]

You were. I only. You saw it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was bad.

[Mark Normand]

It was bad. I was. I was trying to murder a beer. I wasn't that bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the middle of the airport.

[Mark Normand]

Hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was recognizing him.

[Mark Normand]

I was at the bar. A guy recognized me. Mark's talking to him, and I murder my beer. And I go, oh, it's coming back up. And I go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's what I go. This guy's got a problem.

[Mark Normand]

Mark, do you have a piece of gum? And he goes. And real quick, he goes, I have a toothpick. And I put a toothpick in my mouth. I was like, can I tell you the thing? I was. I don't know, I would say the. To someone and I was like. So, like, I've known you guys since you were young. Yeah, like the. I'll say. You guys and Gillis, right? Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

You've known us longer, for sure.

[Mark Normand]

I've known. I've known you. I've known you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you guys did it.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, dude, I had so much fun. I remember knowing Hartford, Connecticut, and I remember being like, I love this guy.

[Mark Normand]

He's.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, Bert. I was selling T shirts. You know, you're trying to make money as a young comic, as a feature. And Bert put gay porn in my merch bag. And I was like, I like this. There's like instant light. This guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's great.

[Mark Normand]

I get jealous when I see you guys on the road with your openers. And I go, I wish that was me because it's. It's fun to make you crew, right? It's like you guys both toured with me when I was doing theaters and doing arenas and stuff. And you've been on the road with me and you got to See my path up, and then. And then now you guys are all blowing up, and I really am jealous that I don't get to witness it, that I don't get to be a part of it, and that I don't.

[Stavros Halkias]

Get to celebrate my first tour bus. I remember you FaceTimed me from your tour bus, and you were like, mine's bigger.

[Mark Normand]

Like, you guys are all going to the Garden this weekend for Gils.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going tomorrow.

[Stavros Halkias]

Maybe I'll pop into an after party or something.

[Mark Normand]

But I can't. I'm missing all of this. So I feel like the dudes I. I know we all didn't start together, but the dudes I came up with or all the guys that are blowing up right now, I get really bummed that I don't get to, like, witness it first.

[Stavros Halkias]

Come to New York and hang out, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that was the beauty of Fully Loaded. It was like a bus full of, like, Big J, Soda, Stavros, Vicentino, Barbosa.

[Stavros Halkias]

I still remember Bobby Lee falling at the top bunk and busting. I was so bummed. I was so pumped to hang with Bobby.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, he was bummed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

He wanted to talk.

[Stavros Halkias]

I remember everyone just making jokes on the thread, not realizing that he was, like, in the hospital. Canane's jumping in, like, oh, and then it's like, now he's in the hospital.

[Mark Normand]

Mark made the first. First joke. What was it? Oh, if you think you had an Asian act, sounded Asian before.

[Stavros Halkias]

I remember the word being in there for some reason.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sure it's on the comments.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Fully Loaded was a blast. I can't afford you guys anymore.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's fun. I'll do that in a second.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Mark Normand]

It's. It's. It's because I don't. I don't. I go through agents and, like. Because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to call you guys. I texted you when we were doing the cruise.

[Bert Kreischer]

I did the first cruise, and I said.

[Mark Normand]

I texted Mark, and I was like, I don't know what?

[Stavros Halkias]

Your manager demanded an answer the day I was puking into a toilet. And I was like, can you just wait till tomorrow? And she goes, no. And I was like, well, then it's a no. I'm puking. I can't fucking commit to the.

[Mark Normand]

I can't argue that. No, you're right.

[Stavros Halkias]

I wanted to do it.

[Mark Normand]

I texted Mark, and I was like, I want you to know I want you on this crowd. I don't want offers Coming in, you think I buy you? I was like, I'm happy for you, but I just. I can't afford you. And I want you to know that I'm, like, excited that that's your quote. But, like, I can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, that was a very nice text, but, like, I.

[Mark Normand]

But it's. It's. You know, it's. It's such a bummer. I wish we did it for charity or something. So, like, I wish there was a way to do it so it was favorite. I wish Lewis ran it so everyone did it for 700. Like, Jesus Christ. Oh, Lewis told me. I go. I go, how do you get so much people out there? He goes, I don't talk to their agents.

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, no, he just texts you homo. And then again and again. No, we did Legion of Skanks on Monday, and we got a whole lot. Well, Bert's coming to town, but he's not doing any podcasts. We're like, yeah, yeah, he's not doing any pods.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, ask you about that. That. He's like, he said you couldn't do the pod because it would look bad for the show. Free Bert.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't say that, but I.

[Stavros Halkias]

We'll.

[Mark Normand]

They offered me Monday. I flew in Monday. I didn't. I couldn't get there Monday night. I was doing this, and I was doing. I was already booked up. Big J hit me up, what, like, Sunday? And he was like, hey, are you gonna be in town to do stuff? We got Monday, we got Tuesday, we got Wednesday. And I was like, those or Thursday? But it's all, like. It's bonfire. Legion of Skanks was Monday. I would have loved to have done Legion of Skanks.

[Stavros Halkias]

Fun of all three of us.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I would have loved to have done it, but I. It's also, like, I am dealing with, like, subtle health issues that I'm trying to, like, get my head around. Yeah. So, like, say.

[Stavros Halkias]

Say no to shit if you're not feeling you. But we also could just fucking hang out. Like, if you're not up to shit.

[Mark Normand]

I don't want to ever feel like. I don't want to feel anyone, to feel like I'm blowing them off. Like, Bobby Tech Bobby called me last night, and I saw. Yeah. And I was like, by the way.

[Stavros Halkias]

The hero, Bobby Kelly, you heard this.

[Mark Normand]

Story about him rescuing the fat chick? Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I haven't heard.

[Stavros Halkias]

Was she fat?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. It's. When I hear the story, he helped Yamanika.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, he fucking old girl was drowning in Costa Rica. And he swam out. By the way, this is so. I love Mark. He liked the post and he didn't read it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know he liked the post and it came up like, by Mark Norman. It's a long post by Bobby Kelly saying. And he swam out to a steep drop off. He heard a girl screaming for her life. And he swam out and was like. He's like, I was a lifeguard back in the day, so I knew the training, like, don't. Don't pull on to me or I'm going to.

[Mark Normand]

That actually tracks for Bobby, in my opinion.

[Stavros Halkias]

Totally. And he fucking saved this girl's fucking life.

[Mark Normand]

And you know, he became a lifeguard just to get pussy.

[Stavros Halkias]

Totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. By the way, Ozempic might have saved her life.

[Stavros Halkias]

You're right. No, he got like a surgery. He didn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he got lap band.

[Mark Normand]

He got lap band.

[Stavros Halkias]

But there he is. Look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa. Well, the stereotype.

[Mark Normand]

That was horrible, Bobby.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. Good for you, Bobo.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dude, he risked it. He only. He could have died like it was.

[Mark Normand]

They say don't. If you're not a lifeguard, don't try to rescue a drowning person.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's how what's his name died from the O. Huxtable. Yeah. Really, How Malcolm Jamal Warner died. That's how he died in Costa Rica, because the waters are so bad there. And Bobby risked his life and saved a girl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

I'm a very strong swimmer. I bet. However. Yeah. I almost drowned in a triathlon. Yeah, I was. Dude, I dove in. I'm flying. I mean, I'm looking around and I'm touching the toes of the leader of the race. I'm looking over and people are swimming sideways and I'm like, I'm number two right now. I was like, I can't believe I'm. I know I'm a good swimmer, but I'm not like, that good. I grew up swimming on swim teams, but I'm like, not that good. I get to the buoy and I do this move I had seen online because I'd watched a lot of triathlon videos and it's like where you flip over like this on your stomach and then do the turn. And I was like, fuck it, bang out the turn. I think I'll come in second place. I bang out the turn and a dude swims over my stomach. And all of a sudden I slow down and 100 people swim on top of me. Whoa. And they had said, if you feel like you're drowning. Just wave over one of the guys on the paddle board, their rescue. And my ego wouldn't let me wave them over. Cause I was like, hold on. I've been in bad water before. Like, you know, surfing and stuff. I was like, this is not gonna kill me. I can float on my back. And I floated on my back. I floated on a black. And then it was a large one.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's the opposite of Ari's story of Bobby's story. Sorry, I'm fucking.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all right.

[Mark Normand]

You guys are doing too many podcasts.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's hungover.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm hungover. Shit.

[Mark Normand]

And so I float. I grab this black, I get on top of him, and then I ride him into shores. I told him. I was like, there's. They're free.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's Free Willy?

[Mark Normand]

Free Willy. No, but. But the girl. I. I literally got on my back and, like, floated, caught my breath, started swimming in, and my daughters were there. And they're like, did you almost drown?

[Stavros Halkias]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, yeah, I almost did. And they're like, we watched it. You almost died. Oh, like, so, like, Bobby doing this. You clearly must have been.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, he wrote how scary it was and how her instinct is to, like, grab him. He's like, you grab me, you'll pull me down. We'll both die. So we. To explain it when he was, like, a few feet out of her.

[Mark Normand]

Okay, okay, hold on. There we go. You grab me, we're both going fucking down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for both.

[Mark Normand]

Let me tell you something, okay?

[Stavros Halkias]

Fucking life.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Stavros Halkias]

Yeah, the top comment was, grab my hand, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what do you do? You just hold her arm and. And pull her. Like, how do you do it?

[Mark Normand]

So you're supposed to flip them on their back and then put your arms underneath their arms and Sidekick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, hopefully it didn't touch her hair.

[Mark Normand]

Just grab her by the hair. All you see is a video of Bobby just rag doll. Some black chick by braids. Get the up here, dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now he's in trouble.

[Mark Normand]

God damn it, you guys. And they're. And you can't really hear.

[Stavros Halkias]

Comedian cancel.

[Mark Normand]

Another conversation's closer to the camera.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're not out in the ocean, dude. These are our beaches now. How do the daughters feel about the show? It's basically about them.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, they tried to kill it. What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on.

[Mark Normand]

No. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get out of here. They're not going to ruin their dad's work.

[Stavros Halkias]

They were pissed about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Stavros Halkias]

Why were they pissed about it?

[Mark Normand]

They were like, you can't use our names. And I was like. Cuz they. They were like that for the movie. And I. I always thought it hurt the movie that you. I couldn't use my daughter's names and Sasha and something else for the movie. And so I was like, no, I'm using your names. I gave you those names. I've talked about it in seven specials.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right.

[Mark Normand]

Like the cat's out of the bag. And they're like, yeah, but you understand we're real people. And people are gonna watch this and think we did that. And I was like, it's not real life. It's a fictionalized version of real life. And then they watch the pilot and there's a scene in the first episode where the Dinner Table where I've kind of fucked up royally. And they watched it and it's hysterical. And they were like, all right, we're in. And I was like, for real? And Isla's like, if that's how you portray us, like, we're fucking lighting you up non stop. And I was like, yeah, that's how our real family was.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Mark Normand]

And so, yeah, they love it now.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love that. Remember in Louis, he just made his wife black for season two.

[Mark Normand]

It's so crazy.

[Stavros Halkias]

For no reason. She was a different woman in season one. He's like, yeah, she's black now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fresh Prince did it.

[Mark Normand]

What's so funny? I wanted to make.

[Stavros Halkias]

They were both black.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true.

[Mark Normand]

I wanted to make the therapist black because there's a therapist in this. Spoiler alert.

[Stavros Halkias]

He says, maybe it's your mama.

[Mark Normand]

What's the.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's good.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's the worst joke I've ever made.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was bad. You're doing your mama jokes. All right, so you got an N word.

[Stavros Halkias]

Really scraping the. Really scraping the bottom of the barrel here, Bert. We're sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on. You got it. Diamond Dallas. Keep it coming. Barbecue restaurant.

[Mark Normand]

You ever think maybe I just wore this outfit as a rodeo clown? For the comments. Just go, man, didn't listen to birth. Look at this. I can take the clothes off Dallas.

[Stavros Halkias]

Buyers Club if he didn't get aids.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. What were you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you show with the girls.

[Mark Normand]

The black therapist.

[Bert Kreischer]

Black therapist.

[Mark Normand]

And then. And they were like, there it was. The. The principal of the school's black. And they're like. And as seen as I'm with the principal and the therapist, and they go, I think it's too confusing. They're gonna think they're married or related, like. So I was like, all right, let's make them white. Because it was like. Like you need people to see things in a TV show quickly and identify it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

And I wanted that kid. I think he's gay. He does our specials every week. He's a comic. Josh Johnson.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's not gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not gay. Oh, yeah, I know.

[Mark Normand]

I wanted him.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's good.

[Mark Normand]

I put it on.

[Stavros Halkias]

He comes out with a lot of material. Just doesn't come out, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Sam is on fire, by the way. God damn it. At the fucking buzzer, you really fucking drain him into the third quarter.

[Stavros Halkias]

I have to make up for some of these earlier.

[Mark Normand]

No, I thought he was. I thought he was gay, but I thought it'd be cool to have him as, like, the therapist. I thought from that perspective it would be fun talking to me. But they were like, you know, it's. It's too confusing, so.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Stavros Halkias]

He'll be glad to know he missed out on this role due to racism.

[Mark Normand]

No, he.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, he. He.

[Mark Normand]

He was offer only.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

He was like, I'm not reading for it.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, damn, that's cool.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, I mean, it makes the process a lot quicker.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, we're not going to hire you. No one's ever seen you act, so I'm not going to hire you. Like, I wanted him, but he was like, I only do offers. And I was like, that's totally cool. I wanted to read Bird.

[Stavros Halkias]

Text him, listen, homo, do the role.

[Mark Normand]

I wanted him to do it because I was like, I thought it would be good, but I wanted to read with him. Yeah. And see if our energy was good. I don't know. I've only seen him online. I think he's really funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Couldn't be nicer.

[Mark Normand]

Really smart. Smart. And his energy is a little softer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So I thought that perspective versus me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's good.

[Mark Normand]

It's a little frat boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

I definitely wanted us to read together. Yeah. It's funny, man. People who do offer only. It's basically a way of just turning it down.

[Bert Kreischer]

I might start doing that because I've auditioned for 9, 000 things. I've never gotten one.

[Mark Normand]

Don't do offer only.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

I'll tell you what. The people who weren't offer only that are famous. You're like, bring them in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

I can't say. Except I'm telling you who didn't get the role. I can only say it about Josh. I think he's a comic. He didn't really. I'm hoping he does. I think he's a cool Guy. But like. But like, I'll tell you. There were actresses.

[Stavros Halkias]

Did you send him those flowers and apology for not.

[Mark Normand]

I think he's great, man. I would love to have had him. Yeah. I would have fired the other black person to get him. Look at him smiling. But no, but, like, there. As far as the wife goes, we got the list. And the list is like five pages long. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of actors.

[Mark Normand]

Of Leanne people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

And you get like big. There were big names that were like, yo, I'm willing to read. I'll give you the names. And then you just bleed them out.

[Bert Kreischer]

People need work.

[Mark Normand]

Fucking from fucking. Obviously I'll read with you. I was like, I'll fucking read with her.

[Bert Kreischer]

How do you not go with her? I mean, she's so hot.

[Mark Normand]

So you're at a certain. And by the way, BLEEP even point out. Cause it sounds really shitty. Like, be careful with this. Just make it sound like I'm not outing anyone. But like. Except for Josh Johnson. But Josh Johnson's cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a good guy.

[Stavros Halkias]

But no, that would have been cool, though. She's hot, but yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And she's beautiful and she's wildly talented. And then like, dude, some of the people were like. Like, you're willing to read? And they're like, yeah, man, I'm an actor. And then some people were like, you would never fucking hire them. And they're like, offer only. And you're like, okay, good to know. Hard pass.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good to know.

[Mark Normand]

Like, the fucking. I'm gonna say, it just blew me. Not the hot one. Her fucking fat friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never watched the show.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know who that is.

[Mark Normand]

That one. Go back. That one. No, go. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she's.

[Stavros Halkias]

By the way, she's not fat. She's fucking hot. What are you talking.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's big.

[Mark Normand]

Remember, edit around all these fucking names.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please.

[Stavros Halkias]

Wait, wait. Have you never seen.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I don't like her. I don't give a fuck.

[Stavros Halkias]

But have you seen.

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

What Great show.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's one of the best comedies of all time.

[Mark Normand]

Even edit the name of that show. This is so dangerous.

[Stavros Halkias]

No, no dangerous people out watch that.

[Mark Normand]

I'm not gonna. But you know, when you go, that's fine.

[Stavros Halkias]

But you should still watch that.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a great.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's one of the best shows ever.

[Mark Normand]

Real.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's brilliant.

[Mark Normand]

Even edit her name out. Just bleep all so it sounds like we're saying the N word.

[Stavros Halkias]

I know, but. But, dude, you should get fat, I guess.

[Bert Kreischer]

Next. But he looks fat.

[Mark Normand]

God damn it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Just be careful with this. I don't want to get sued.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is fascinating, though. Who keeps coming?

[Mark Normand]

It was. You know what's really crazy? So the guy who plays Landon. His name's Chris Witasaki.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wadesaki.

[Mark Normand]

And if you. Witsocky. I'm sure I'm saying it wrong. He's the guy in the progressive commercials where they're like, are you turning into your dad? Oh, yeah, he's hysterical. I don't know. So this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'll recognize himself.

[Mark Normand]

You'll recognize him in a second.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, so what about him?

[Mark Normand]

No, it's just. Just type in Chris with Saki.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, his father was Saki Saki. $5.

[Mark Normand]

Type in free Bird cast.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm slipping.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what did you say? You got it. Right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Some Jap official commercial.

[Mark Normand]

To the right, to the right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bottom.

[Mark Normand]

To the right, bottom. To the right, bottom. To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. That's it. That's it. That's it.

[Stavros Halkias]

This fella.

[Mark Normand]

Nope, that's not it. Go back. That's it. This guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep, yep, yep.

[Mark Normand]

So, okay, so the guy who was supposed to play his role in the pilot bailed at the last minute, and he was like, yeah, I got something else. I got a paid gig. And this guy showed up as a favor to a friend. He was like, yeah, I'll do it. Like, scale, whatever. It's a few lines. So he comes in, does it, and then the show gets picked up, and then we have to think of a plot for the show. Because I didn't want it to be episodic. I didn't want every episode to be solved. Like, the Kreischer family needs a birthday cake. They get a new dog. I start watching those, and I just go. I watch three, and I go, I'm done. I got it. Unless it has to be wildly hysterical, like flyers. Or flyers. Or tires.

[Bert Kreischer]

Or tires.

[Stavros Halkias]

Great show.

[Mark Normand]

You should have seen. Well, no, that was episodic back then. Made sense. Cause it was once a week. But when you air six.

[Stavros Halkias]

I get it.

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. When you do six, if you give me, like, 10 episodes of episodic, I'm not gonna watch all 10. But if you give me Black Doves. Have you seen that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Mark Normand]

Have you seen Slow Horses?

[Stavros Halkias]

I love Slow horses.

[Mark Normand]

So in the end of. The end of first episode of Slow Horses, did you not look. Did you not look around the room and go, I'm watching fucking all of these?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So I said to Netflix when I pitched the show, I said, I want it to be like, Slow Horses and Black Doves. I want it where you watch the first episode. At the end of the first. The very last words that come out of my mouth, you say, I'm into this character and I want to follow his journey. And so I want you to binge all six.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So it's a story arc through the six.

[Stavros Halkias]

He's the only guy who farts more than Norman on camera.

[Bert Kreischer]

Really?

[Stavros Halkias]

Gary Oldman?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, really?

[Mark Normand]

He farts through. It's. That's. Slow Horses and Black Doves are fucking.

[Stavros Halkias]

I gotta watch Black Doves. Slow Horses is phenomenal.

[Mark Normand]

Slow Horses might be. I mean, the best series I've ever.

[Stavros Halkias]

It's a great spy show, but it's also funny as.

[Mark Normand]

And what it. What it does, Mark. And this is what I attempted to do. And I think when you. If you watch the first episode, the last words out of my mouth, you're absolutely gonna go, I'm watching episode two, without a doubt. Because that's. I.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're gonna check it out. Anyway.

[Mark Normand]

I want it to be. I wanted it to be an arc. So we do the pilot, right? We have the kind of the pilot locked in, and then we go, what's the arc of the story? What's the six episode arc? And we came up with this plot of a story that I had. I had a friend that I knew, a guy who had it happen in his family, and so I made that the plot line.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And in doing that, this character from episode one that was just doing a favor became very integral to the plot. So this guy Chris shows up to Atlanta to shoot what he thinks is probably a couple days, like, clean up the pilot. And he's in every fucking episode. And he's like, oh. And he's like. He gets started like, have you read the script? And he was like, no. Why? I was like, you should. And then he comes over to my room and he's like, dude, I'm in every episode. And we're like, oh, yeah, you're in every episode. It changes everything. And he's like, holy shit. So all of a sudden, this story that was supposed to be about this family became this bigger story about this school and about the girls and about kids. And, like, I had to, like, lean into wild favors. I got Pac Man Jones and T. Pain. I had Payne go. I was like, dude, can we use your house to shoot? Shoot? And he was like, yeah. So we shoot at T. Pain's house with Pack. It's. But. But, yeah, I wanted it to be like slow horses or black doves so that by the end of the first episode, it carries through.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow. Now, let me ask you, because we've pitched a million. He had a show with Brian Cox that didn't go well.

[Stavros Halkias]

We're. We're working on finance. No, I think I could still go. It's just been two years. It's like, I got Brian Cox. And we're like, he loves it.

[Mark Normand]

Doesn't matter.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what?

[Stavros Halkias]

It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give us the pitch in the room. I mean, you already have a relationship with Netflix, but did you have to really sell it? Razzle dazzle, make it work. Shirtless, something.

[Mark Normand]

So initially what I said, I went in. I went in. It was a bigger team at the time. It's a little bit of a different team. And like I said, I want to say it was like two years ago. Yeah, These things take forever. Forever. And I said, I brought Leanne with me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dead weight.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you have no idea.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Because if I. If I. Leanne is so married to the fucking truth. Truth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But if I tell a little bit of an exaggeration, she goes, that's not what happened. And I go, stop it. We're in a pitch meeting. We're trying to sell a project. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Come on, you yappy.

[Mark Normand]

I don't sound like that. And so. But she's. But it ends up working because they think it's hysterical and they're. What they're witnessing is the relationship of the wife. I didn't realize that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

So I told them I. We had just binged and people lose.

[Stavros Halkias]

Their mind when she comes out on stage.

[Bert Kreischer]

They love her.

[Stavros Halkias]

They love her.

[Mark Normand]

People like her more than they like me. And they barely fucking know.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's awesome. I love.

[Mark Normand]

She is awesome. And so. And so huge whore.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, that's an old callback.

[Mark Normand]

Real quick. When I was on the hospital bed, and I'm. And I clearly, I'm diagnosed with blood clots and lungs, but they're like, you're gonna be fine. She starts giggling, and I go, what? And she goes, baby, I'm gonna be in this hospital one day and you'll be dying. And I cannot fucking imagine what a nightmare you're gonna be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then, wow.

[Mark Normand]

I was like, oh, that's true. Gonna be with me the day I'm dialing up. One day I'll be in there and it won't be funny. And she'll be like, this is gonna be a long fucking day. Anyway, so we go into Netflix. We go into Netflix. I bring Leanne. And we had just binged Slow Horses, and we had just started Black Doves. And at the end of the episode of first episode of Black Doves, I realized what these series were doing was they were hooking me in the first episode. And I was like. And I was like, I want to do. I wanna do a show about my family. And they're like, we'd love to. I said, I want to do a show about the period of my life, 2016, when I kind of lost everything and I got fired from Travel Channel. Leanne. I didn't have any money coming in. I got kicked off the Funny or Die tour. All of that was the impetus for my career trajectory because all those things were my driving factors to get me to the next level. It's like, fuck, Funny or Die doesn't want me on Oddball. I'll create my own festival. You guys don't want to book me at your club? I'll sell my own tickets. Everything was like this. I'll do it my own way. You want to kick me off Travel Channel? I'll start my podcast. I'll lean into it. I'll get my own ad sales. I'll make more than I made at Travel Channel. And so these were all those moments. But there was a tremendous identity crisis that happened at the. In, like. No, from November, probably September. October, November and December, until things kicked up. January 8th. Right? January 8th. My life started changing last year, 2016.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, geez. Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

And so I said, it's all about this. And I said, but I go, I need you to think of that. I want to watch this trajectory of this man from his lowest, where he's lost and confused, and then he finds himself, but he fucks up the whole way, loses himself, and then rediscovers himself. And I go, but I want it to be like Black doves. And they're like, what? And I go, I want it to be like Black doves. I want it to be like slow horses. I don't want to do episodic where it's like a sitcom about the Kreischer family. I go, I want it to be a serious story. I want it to be kind of like, crazy. I want it to have heart. I want it to be like, funny as fuck. But I want it to be this man's journey. I want you to. I want the first episode you go, look at your wife. And you go, I'm watching the whole fucking series.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And at the time, they weren't doing that. They were Doing, like, Leanne Morgan show and Tyers, which is all episodic. And so I was like. And they hadn't really thought of, like, a comedy that way, I don't think. I know they didn't because they said to me at the premiere, Andy Wheel came up and he was like, you know, when you pitch this show, you pitch me black doves. And I thought you were out of your fucking mind. And he goes, I just watched the first episode with this room. And he goes, everyone was going like, dude, they're playing another one, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Mark Normand]

And he goes, we made what you wanted to make.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love the idea. They think you lost your mind. You're like, dude, it's my family. But Mindhunter. And they're like, what? Yeah, but.

[Mark Normand]

No, but you have to, like. You know the one thing I learned in life, like, losing everything in 2016 and having nothing and being terrified of, like, what my career is going to be, I did Oxnard Levity Live. I got paid 25 grand. And I was like, nice. For New year's Eve, maybe 250 people showed up throughout the weekend. They lost so much money that I remember driving back to LA going, I'm fucked. This year's going to be bad. It's going to be really bad. People are going to lose money on me, and I'm going back to fucking $1,500 a week.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't remember. We worked together 2016.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't remember 20.

[Mark Normand]

2016. I got fired from Travel Channel. Tom was fat shaming me. My special did not perform on Showtime at all.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, Showtime.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. And I got kicked off Funny or Die because they just tried to save money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

And they were like, just get rid of him. I didn't have a hotel or flight or anything. I was getting paid $2,000 a weekend to host for Funny or Die for Oddball. And I was like. I was like, I'm fucked. I remember I did. I would do a club and no one would show up. And I was like, I'm fucked. I'm fucked. And then two really big things happened. The machine story went viral and Tom and I did the fat shaming and we weighed in on Rogan. And then when I weighed in on Rogan, I started noticing in trends that, like, they were spiking and it, like. And I was like, whoa. And then I started tracking other people's spike. And then I discovered a show called Hot Ones. Reached out to that host, and I was like, dude, I'd love to do your show. And then Sean hit Me up. And he's like, we're getting. Letting comedians come on. I did hot ones in 2017.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

And then I. But I started really taking control of my career.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sober October wasn't sober was the following year. There you go. Yeah, that was huge.

[Mark Normand]

But it was like. It was like when you really. It was like when you really just want to take charge of things. And so that's what I wanted the series to be about, is about a guy getting back and losing himself like that. Losing yourself is so important.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's terrifying.

[Mark Normand]

I remember I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I remember, but it's. I don't think you've heard it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It.

[Mark Normand]

When I got kicked off Oddball, it. I know they didn't call. It's just like a email. And they're like.

[Stavros Halkias]

And that's for people that don't know it's a big comedy festival.

[Mark Normand]

It was like the.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was like the.

[Mark Normand]

The stamp of approval.

[Stavros Halkias]

I don't know if people know what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I think you're right. It was big in the moment. Like Hannibal Schumer aizing Private everywhere.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it was like the Louie Dane, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle. It was huge.

[Stavros Halkias]

Kevin Hart.

[Mark Normand]

It was everyone. And then I got put on and they're like, yo, we got you on Oddball. And, you know, like, things like that for us, like Montreal or Aspen or Oddball. Just the offers, like, oh, it's like.

[Stavros Halkias]

I'm in the mix.

[Bert Kreischer]

It feels good.

[Mark Normand]

And it was $2,000 a week for the weekend. No hotel, no. No flight. But I'm like, yo, I'm on oddball, right? And. And I remember I got kicked off and I called Tom and I said, dude, I'm not doing Oddball. And he was like, well, yeah, they're pulling dates. He's like, you got to get your money. Anyway, I was like, what? And he goes, they pulled some of my dates, but I'm gonna get paid for it. Fuck em. I was like, really? And he goes, dude, that's too much money. And I went, that's $2,000. And he goes, you get paid $2,000 a show. I said, no, a week. And I go, and he goes, whoa. And I said, wait, what are you getting paid? And by the way, this is, you know, 2016. This is a long time ago with.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me, 10 years ago.

[Mark Normand]

And he's like, I don't know if I want to tell you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, God.

[Mark Normand]

And I was like, wait, what are you getting paid? And he's like, Well, I don't want it to fuck up, you know, our friendship. I go, are you getting more than $2,000 a week? And he goes, substantially. And so I sat there and I said, hold on one second. And I literally sat. And I thought, okay, I want my friend to succeed, obviously. Obviously I do. I've always wanted my friend. Friends to succeed. I want to succeed, too, but I'm not going to be mad if someone blows up. I go, okay. So in my head I go, what number am I cool with him receiving?

[Stavros Halkias]

And I was like, all right, $2,200.

[Mark Normand]

I said, like, $20,000 a weekend. Maybe $15,000 a weekend. $15,000 a weekend. Okay. I go, dude, I love you and I want you to succeed. And I knew he wanted to buy a house. And I go, how much money are you getting paid? And he goes, 20,000. And I went, okay, that's not bad. And he goes, a show. And I went, woo.

[Bert Kreischer]

He had that hot Netflix special back in the day.

[Mark Normand]

Wild. Wild. I mean, all his specials have been fucking incredible. But he was. It was at that moment that I realized where I was in this business. Like, where my footing was, what my respect level was. I remember we did. You were at Fully Loaded Forest Hills, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And we did Forest Loaded, Fully Hill, whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, it was a crazy show. It was a wild show. The lineup was insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gillis. Yeah, we went swimming after. Yeah, it was awesome.

[Mark Normand]

That's when we found out Gillis is part manatee. That guy, he can hold his breath forever.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's like Michael Phelps, but fat. Crazy dude.

[Mark Normand]

He should have been in Bobby's position. Yeah. He could have rescued McCusker's whole family. And so it was an Asian girl.

[Stavros Halkias]

He could have really got some goodwill back.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, no, no joke on the black chick. Joke, huh? Okay. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I didn't hear it. I missed it. Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

I guess Mark tells him and doesn't listen to him.

[Stavros Halkias]

We had so much racism going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Don't worry about mc.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pull it back.

[Mark Normand]

Anyway. Anyway, we get done and there's reps there from all the big. You know, it's New York, so aeg. Everyone's out there. Everyone's out there to come, you know, see what happens. It's a big venue. It's an iconic venue. The lineup is fucking sick. Gillis, Nikki, Glaser, me, you. Stavi. I mean, it's a crazy fucking lineup.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stavi, not a great swimmer. Sank like a stone.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, sorry, the Greeks. So someone at one of the companies goes, this is incredible, man. Congratulations. And I was like, thanks. And they're like, no, no, no. You sold out Forest Hills. Like, what? What? They're like, what made you want to do this? And I looked. You know when you just say things and you don't mean it, but you don't. You mean it, but you didn't think about it. And I go, no one would ever invite me to do this. And they're like, what? I go, I put this on because no one would ever invite me to do this. I never got invited to do these. So I made my own. And they were like, oh, you're like.

[Stavros Halkias]

The girl that people didn't know was hot. I guess you're in high school, like, like, you know, like, with her. And then you're like, no, I had to, like, figure it out, dude.

[Mark Normand]

There are some. Those sleeves. No, no, no, no, no. That's a great analogy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're more the fat chick who's funny.

[Mark Normand]

I like Sam's better.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, okay, okay, okay.

[Mark Normand]

No, but, you know, I think Bert's.

[Stavros Halkias]

A hot lady, dude.

[Mark Normand]

You know the girl, like, you work with at, like, a restaurant?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And then all of a sudden, you're like, I'm not into her. And then you kind of catch side tit. You're like, she's got amazing tits.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Then you see her ankles. You're like, dude, she's. And then she smokes.

[Stavros Halkias]

She's got a dick. And you're like, I'm still into it. I don't give a.

[Mark Normand]

But, yeah, I think my whole. My whole energy has always been, push us, push a rock uphill.

[Bert Kreischer]

Damn. I didn't know this because we worked together in Ireland, and you were selling out stuff. So I was like, this guy's cooking.

[Mark Normand]

That was 2018, probably 2000.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, shit changes quickly.

[Mark Normand]

Definitely 2018.

[Stavros Halkias]

Well, I mean, look, now you're doing arenas. You got the specials.

[Mark Normand]

You got.

[Stavros Halkias]

A free bird is on Netflix.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Stavros Halkias]

Watch Free Burt. Now. I can't wait to see the greatest.

[Mark Normand]

Night of my life. Go see.

[Bert Kreischer]

Look at that.

[Mark Normand]

Look at.

[Stavros Halkias]

And go see Bert on the road. Bert, where are you gonna be on the road?

[Mark Normand]

I got. I'm at The Beacon Theater. April 23rd, 24th, and 25th.

[Stavros Halkias]

The best.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, dude, what a room.

[Stavros Halkias]

Oh, I'm definitely gonna show.

[Bert Kreischer]

When you die in a week, I mean, this is gonna be quite a flashing before your eyes. You're gonna see so much cool.

[Mark Normand]

I'll tell you, man, when light flashes before your eyes, when you sit there.

[Stavros Halkias]

If he was drunk, he would have giggled at that.

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. Just happened. It just happened where I was sitting there, and I was like, like. And you go, dude, I've lived a fucking cra. No one crazy. No one expected this to happen to me, right? No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You work hard.

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. When I was like, If I was in. If you met me in college.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I see.

[Mark Normand]

You'd be like, he's invincible. You'd be like, no, that guy. That guy fucking didn't do. He didn't study. He never went to class. He just fucking smoked weed, took his shirt off, fucking dicked around, didn't do shit.

[Bert Kreischer]

But you were Van Wilder.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. And so. And now here I am.

[Bert Kreischer]

And here you are sober. Leather pants, career's over. TV show.

[Mark Normand]

TV show. I'm leaning into the TV show, by the way. Please. I'll do a standup pose at the P. When we post the picture of the three of us. Just have fun in the comments.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, you know they will.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leather pants, boots.

[Stavros Halkias]

Plug some other man.

[Mark Normand]

I got. I'm at Tampa. I'm in Tampa at the Benchmark Arena.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hometown boy makes good.

[Mark Normand]

I'm in Duluth. I'm at the Sanger Theater in Pensacola.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's a trend.

[Mark Normand]

Another show at the Sanger Theater in Pensacola. Albany. Albany. Boston, Massachusetts. We're doing a run of shows at.

[Stavros Halkias]

That's gonna be Fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bird at the Wang. That's a great room.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. I got Daytona Beach. Oh. Oh. Fully. Oh, my God. Full throttle. What's this? Dude teamed up with nascar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Mark Normand]

To put on the party the night before the Daytona 500. Me, Diplo, Earnest, and Leonard Skynyrd. Ernest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who's Ernest?

[Mark Normand]

Can I tell you?

[Bert Kreischer]

A group goes to camp.

[Mark Normand]

No. You don't know Ernest?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. Ernest P. Worrell.

[Mark Normand]

So there's a group of com. There's a group of. So in Nashville, writing's very big, like, the writing community. So these great writers will all sit around and they'll write an album for, like, Morgan Wallen, and then Morgan Wallen will play those songs and then have a hit tour, hit album, and all those artists make money off. It's like if a comic, a big comic, brought four comics to sit in the back and help write his act. And then he said, once this act goes out on Netflix, we're all gonna get a cut of the Netflix money, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Sure.

[Mark Normand]

That's what they do. And Ernest is, if not one of the top songwriters in all of Nashville, and he is one of the funniest guys in the world. Like, Quicken. Funniest. Just an amazing fucking talent, but best hang. Dude, you guys, why are you still.

[Stavros Halkias]

Looking up Ernest Goes to fucking Jail after he said, I want you guys.

[Mark Normand]

Should go to Nashville to do a run of they might be drunk, we might be drunk, and whatever it is, they might be giants. And you should do a run and hang out with some of these Nashville guys. They are the fucking best. Okay, so this is the story we'll end on. I'll try to tell a funny story because I know that's what podcast wants.

[Bert Kreischer]

Diplo, earnest yourself and.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So we're getting ready to close a deal with NASCAR.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Mark Normand]

Go to the Daytona 600. You know, we'd love to partner. And you know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, you know, it's a little. Bert, be on your best behavior. So we're leaving and all I got to do is get in the car and go home.

[Bert Kreischer]

Done deal.

[Mark Normand]

We're going to partner Big Leonard Skynyrd. It's gonna be huge. Diplo's closing out with adm. What's edr?

[Bert Kreischer]

Edm.

[Mark Normand]

Edm. Edm, Redneck edm. It's gonna be fucking wild. All I gotta do is get in the elevator and get the fuck out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Walk down the hall and there's like a fucking 13 year old boy comes out of this room with his mom and he sees me and he goes, oh, the Machine. And I'm like, what's up, dude? And everyone's like, oh, cool, recognize, you know, and he goes, dude, can I get a picture? And I go, yeah, sure, of course. And he's like, can, can you take the shirt off? I was like, yeah, you can. I'll take the shirt off. So I take my shirt off, I got like nine people behind me.

[Stavros Halkias]

Spacey's got the same story with a 13 year old boy.

[Mark Normand]

Put my arm around him. I got my arm around this child and then his mom is like my age. He gives his mom his camera and his mom's like, who are you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, boy.

[Mark Normand]

And I just look at him. I go, I'm a gay porn star.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And this kid looks at me in the perfect timing and goes, real fucking cool, dude. You know, there's no way that kid's gonna convince his mom that he's a fan of a 53 year old comedian who performs shirtless and is named the Machine. There's no putting that toothpaste back in the tube. I told that on Seth Meyers tonight, everybody. Hey, enjoy, enjoy the show. Listen, I can't wait to talk to you guys when the cameras are off.

[Stavros Halkias]

Can't wait.

[Mark Normand]

Come.

[Stavros Halkias]

Come to my special in Tampa, please. Just one show left Tampa, February 26th.

[Mark Normand]

February 26th.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Let's do a promo on my phone. We'll post on Instagram.

[Stavros Halkias]

I love it.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, you are. Listen, you guys are. I want to talk to you guys about comedy because I'm doing. I'm doing. I'm reading a book right now about storytelling because I feel like for this next special one, probably my last special, there's no reason to do a special anymore. Like, what are we. What are we doing? When I. When I did. When I did Secret Time, there was maybe. Maybe a hundred specials released that year, right? You could stand out. What do you think? Like, 20,000 this year?

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, YouTube alone.

[Mark Normand]

YouTube alone. Every week. I mean, there's two.

[Stavros Halkias]

This is my last one. For a while.

[Mark Normand]

Tom's came out on Netflix along with Dave Chappelle, Ricky Gervais, and Marcel. I mean, it was like the whole week was specials. So, like, you look at it and you go, I look at this.

[Stavros Halkias]

Chill for a minute.

[Mark Normand]

After this one, I'm going to do this one. I'm going to do it in. In 2027. So I got to build up time. I'm gonna work on it. But I started reading a book about storytelling, and I was like, yo, there's like, seven story arcs. There's seven types of stories you can tell, right? Like Jaws, Forrest Gump. Like, there's all stories. And the only movie to ever have all seven story arcs in it is Lord of the Rings. The only book, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Is that right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's the only movie to have all seven story arcs. It's really seven basic stories is what it's called. It's what I'm reading. So I was like, yo, I should really challenge myself as a storyteller and try to, like, incorporate as many different types of stories in this as short or as quick as I can. But I was like, that's the thing with joke writing is like, I was like, when you write, are you guys always trying to write the perfect joke or perfect the joke?

[Bert Kreischer]

Perfect the joke. I want your joke to work hard.

[Mark Normand]

Honing it, honing that joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

That joke.

[Mark Normand]

So everything for you. Because I was thinking about this. I'm trying to build a log cabin where you guys are just whittling and going, that's the perfect log cabin. Like this.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of whittling, right? Yeah, for sure. Although I gotta get that storytelling book to my wife because she stinks. But yeah, I like that. That's good.

[Mark Normand]

But like I said to myself, I'll do this special in 20, 27. And then I go. So I got. I'm gonna take. I'm gonna take a break, take some time off, take a break.

[Stavros Halkias]

Deserve it.

[Mark Normand]

And so. So I'm gonna really work on this one and try to make it like, stand out. Crazy pants. Jacked.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Shredded the thumbnail alone.

[Stavros Halkias]

We gotta wrap this up, Burkers. We got a dinner ready.

[Mark Normand]

Let's go.

[Stavros Halkias]

Dinner where you're gonna have two bites of fish and Mark and I are gonna feast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I'll eat the rest of yours.

[Mark Normand]

I love you guys.

[Stavros Halkias]

We love you, dude. Congrats on everything and it's so good to see you. Always.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't die. Sunday's the day for my next offender. A bit of piva wreck.

[Mark Normand]

You know, the beer juice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Close.

[Mark Normand]

I've had a little too much burping and Norman's talking shit about the fucking poke. And I get down in the same way up on the roof like a cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here here in New Orleans this woman doesn't look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like I remember her and I get.

[Mark Normand]

Down in the same way.

[Bert Kreischer]

We might be true.

[Mark Normand]

This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Get this. Adults with financial literacy skills have 82% more wealth than those who don't. From swimming lessons to piano classes, us parents invest in so many things to enrich our kids lives. But are we investing in their future financial success? With Greenlight, you can teach your kids financial literacy skills like earning, saving and investing. And this investment costs less than that. After school treat start prioritizing their financial education and future today with a risk free [e-mail] Spotify greenlight.com Spotify.