Mark Normand & Sam Morril w/ Mark Normand & Sam Morril - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

Summary

We Might Be Drunk — Episode Summary: April 27, 2026

Hosts: Mark Normand & Sam Morril
Producer: Gotham Production Studios, LLC

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Episode Overview

In this lively, joke-packed episode, Mark Normand and Sam Morril dive into the rhythms of stand-up life, wild show stories, New York comedy culture, relationship gripes, and the joys of overanalyzing everything from bourbon to dating to legendary rock bands. The episode opens with comedic banter over fan-made puppets of themselves, and flows through a range of topics including awkward gigs, the economics of comedy, stories from their recent travels, the realities of relationships, and deep dives into music, movies, and the cultural differences in dating and sex.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedy Life & Recent Gigs

• Mark’s Travel Weekend: Performed in Portland, Maine (oysters, lobsters) and at the Empire Comedy Club, drove to Providence for a Little Rhody Comedy Fest bus gig, and then a show at The VETS theater.
  • "It's a wild...lower than national. It's too cold to stab." (02:09)
  • On the bus gig: "You gotta have time to write. You gotta have time to relax. You gotta have time to recharge." (04:54)
  • On pushing through exhaustion: “No, I didn’t bail. I went in.” (05:47)
• Sam’s MSG NYPD Show: Performed between sets by Fat Joe, Cyndi Lauper, and John Fogerty.
  • "I was just did the club in Providence. I'm easing back in with some porosos. Yeah, there we go. Suck on that Bert, your tour bus is burned." (02:57)
  • “He gets off, and I was like, ‘Man good set.’ And he goes, ‘I know.’ I’ve never said that in my life.” (07:35)
  • Following star performers: “You ever do a gig in an arena where they just don’t have an attention span? ...Starts of my bits are doing way better than the end.” (07:54)
  • On edgy material for cops: “I did a riff after one that I shouldn’t have done...one of the women who brought me up was from Law and Order SVU, and I made a joke about, like, an old bit about SVU ... That one did not pop.” (12:33)

2. Rare Gigs and Saying No

• The struggle to say “no” to gigs even when they’re weird or potentially beneath their current status, and the mental toll of gig overload.
  • “You gotta start saying no.” (04:48)
  • "I have this thing where it's all gonna run out. This fear is gonna go away." (23:06)
  • On why comics chase stories: "You want the stories, you want to do everything because you want the stories and you want to…” (13:13)

3. Sex, Relationships & Dating Peeves

• Relationship Fights over Material: Mark discusses having to buy his wife an expensive hotel after she got upset over a joke in his special.
  • “She was appalled and ashamed ... she’s like, I want the Vincent. I was like, all right. Yahor. And I bought it, and it took everything I had because it was so expensive.” (18:36)
• Podcast Trouble: Both discuss how jokes on their podcast have gotten them in hot water.
  • “Our job gets us in trouble. I’ve gotten a lot of trouble from this podcast from women that I’m like, not quite dating…” (19:14)
  • “There’s a type of woman that only listens to find a fight.” (19:34)
• Requesting Permission in Bits: The etiquette of asking real people for permission to use their names in sex stories for specials.
  • “I text her the bit, like, do you mind if I use your name? And she was like, yes, I fucking mind. ... Can you help me come up with like an alt name?” (20:59)
• Cultural Dating Differences: Spirited riffing on how different cultures “do” sex and dating, including jokes about immediacy of sex in Scandinavian, German, and Brazilian cultures. (61:04–63:33)
  • "I mean, I do respect a woman who makes me wait, though, I have to say.” (63:14)
• Modern Dating Irritants:
  • A/C Preferences: “Had a girl over. She wanted my room at 62.” (34:38)
  • Not Eating on Dates: “Women. How about this? You ever go on, like, early dates and they just don’t eat?” (35:36)
  • Entitlement: “Had a woman... ‘I’m a little shocked you didn’t send me a car to...’ I was like, what? She goes, I’m a feminist.” (55:39)
  • After-Sex Subtle Exit: “I made a woman a to go cup of coffee ... That’s a good move, right?” (64:36)

4. Food, Drink & Travel Culture

• Bourbon Culture: Experiences with Kentucky's bourbon hospitality, including being offered $10,000 bottles.
  • “That’s how they show love in Kentucky. They’re like, try this fucking whiskey ... $10,000. I’m like, what?” (15:47)
• Market Price Menu Disasters: Both hosts share pains of ordering expensive seafood in Portland, reflecting on market price menu traps.
  • "No one does that. No one sees someone order lobster and goes, I got that." (54:42)
• Bodega Cat Whiskey: Ongoing efforts to get their whiskey brand into new bars and clubs.

5. Music, Movies & Documentary Recommendations

• Peak American/British Bands: Spirited debate over greatest American and British bands/artists, with on-the-fly rankings and classic boomer music quips. (76:02–81:42)
  • “It’s hard to beat the Brits.” (77:29)
• Movie Recs:
  • Sam: Mike Lee's Secrets and Lies (69:02)
  • Mark: Ben Stiller's bowling docuseries Born to Bowl (70:11)
  • Discussion about Chili Peppers doc, new Norm doc, Lorne Michaels, and classic baseball movies like 42, The Natural, Sandlot, and Bad News Bears (90:09–93:37)

6. Peeves Segment

• Unsolicited recruiting for post-show small talk.
  • “You do the show, you go to a bar after, you go to a restaurant after, and someone from the show is there at the table ... ‘Come here, come here. We want to talk.’” (49:02)
• Annoyance at dog owners who won’t let you pet a dog.
  • “People with really cute dogs, you’re like, oh, can I pet your dog? And they ... pull it away.” (67:19)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Sam on Fat Joe: "He gets off, and I was like, 'Man, good set.' And he goes, 'I know.' I’ve never said that in my life." (07:35)
• On Cyndi Lauper: “She sounds like one of the Rugrats. She almost has this childlike voice. She’s like, ‘Yeah, so I said, fuck him.’” (06:55)
• On gig struggles: “Valiant effort, man. You know, we drove two hours to see you, and you really talked a lot about Ayn Rand.” (96:47)
• On sex taping: “You fuck the way you play basketball, it’s never quite as good as you think. You see the footage.” (28:12)
• On aging and tolerance: "I kind of ease my way back in on booze with some digestifs." (51:03)
• On feminism & dating: “She goes, I’m a feminist. I was like, that’s not what a feminist is.” (56:09)
• On dog peeve: “That’s up. That’s like your next Pixar movie: the drug sniffing dog that just wants to be pet.” (68:05)
• On Scandinavian dating: “I’ve had two Scandinavian women brag to me that their ancestors hid Jews during the Holocaust.” (61:39)

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Important Timestamps

• [00:00–05:56] — Weekend Recap: Puppet banter, Mark’s Maine/Providence shows, burnout laughs
• [06:20–13:38] — MSG NYPD Show: Comedic war stories, star-studded lineups, following rappers
• [13:55–23:50] — Comedy/life balance, career anxiety, financial paranoia
• [27:08–36:14] — Relationship/dating: Sex, porn consumption, eating habits, feminist dilemmas
• [49:02–51:58] — Peeves segment: Audience summoning, Jaeger shots, dog encounters
• [61:04–63:33] — Cultural differences in sex/dating, “You Up?” texts
• [69:02–81:42] — Band/Movie Recommendations: American/British music, film & doc chat
• [90:09–93:55] — Baseball movies: From Bad News Bears to Moneyball, sports movie nostalgia

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Segment Highlights

The MSG Police Show Saga (06:20–13:38)

• Sam describes being wedged between Fat Joe and Cyndi Lauper at a cop event at MSG, matched with a surreal NY Post review: "Morel and Destefano both had the crowd in stitches. I’m like, there was an ally in that building who fed them some false information." (10:05)

Mark's Market Price Fail (53:24–55:31)

• Mark gets burned picking up a "market price" seafood tab minutes before a fan offers to cover the bill. Sam suspects the fan only offered after seeing Mark already pay it.

The Feminist Car Pickup Conundrum (55:39–57:06)

• Sam recounts being told by a date: "I'm a little shocked you didn't send me a car...I'm a feminist." Mark and Sam riff on the meaning of modern feminism and dating expectations.

The Dating “To-Go Cup” Hack (64:36–65:20)

• Sam's invention: a subtle signal to a lingering guest — offer a to-go coffee cup.

American vs. British Rock Bands (76:02–81:42)

• Back-and-forth over great bands, ultimately concluding “we’re killing it on solo artists,” but conceding British bands take the group gold.

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Recommendations (Movie/Book/Doc)

• Movies:
  • Secrets & Lies (Mike Leigh) – Drama, "weird and awkward," long one-shots (69:02)
  • The Limey (Steven Soderbergh) – “A fun crime flick, 90 minutes, 90s stylish.” (81:50)
  • 42 (Chadwick Boseman), Bad News Bears, Major League, Moneyball
• Documentaries:
  • Born to Bowl (Ben Stiller) – Bowling world docuseries, “spare” lives, quirky underdog stories (70:11)
  • Red Hot Chili Peppers Doc (Netflix) – “Flea learned bass in two weeks… these guys were wild animals.” (73:43)
  • Jerry & Mira (Sam’s rec, thread with Joe List) – Touching New York story (72:51)
  • KLAUS (animated Christmas film, Netflix) – “Incredible... one of the best movies I’ve seen, but no one talked about it.” (95:07)
• Other: Discussions about upcoming Norm Macdonald and Lorne Michaels documentaries.

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Notable Running Gags & Callbacks

• The “market price” menu scam, lobster/seafood price gripes
• Mark’s fake “feminist” date and Sam’s “to-go cup” story
• Ongoing anxiety about career decline, money managers running off with their funds
• Peeves: dog petting, audience summoning, temperature complaints
• Recurring theme: enduring weird gigs for stories and the unpredictable grind of comedy

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Tone & Language Notes

• Conversational, quick-witted, abundant with punchlines, casual but insightful
• Self-deprecating, honest about anxieties, relationships, sex, and career
• Raw, R-rated, and irreverent in classic Normand & Morril style

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For New Listeners:

This episode is an unfiltered, deeply funny window into the minds of two of NYC’s sharpest stand-ups, covering everything from the business of comedy to existential career fears, from relationship blunders to music nerdery, peppered with real-life stories and high-level banter. You’ll laugh, cringe, and maybe see yourself or your friends in these tales from the road and the green room.

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For More:

• Catch Mark and Sam on stage (dates plugged at [97:56])
• Watch for Bodega Cat Whiskey at your local bar or club

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Note: Timestamps may be ±5 seconds versus your playback. This summary skips ad reads and promotional chatter as requested.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. Folks. Here we are. We're back. It's 77 degrees outside.

[B]

I. I can't believe what these things are here.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Puppets.

[A]

Stranger things. Kids are back. Look at this. This is crazy.

[B]

This is how I pass out. Hopefully not around Mark. I'm getting a tea bag supreme.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Look at that. Wow.

[A]

I mean, look at. It's a real jacket. Real glad this is. They didn't.

[B]

What's with the beard, though? You don't have that long a beard.

[A]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[B]

You look like a bad boy in like an 80s sitcom.

[A]

Who's that?

[B]

Kirk Cameron.

[A]

Right, Right. Yeah. They didn't. What's the word I'm looking for? Spinch pinch. What do you call them?

[B]

I look a little special Needs a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, look at that.

[A]

But they got the tight curls. The mine are a little looser. I mean, they kind of nailed everything.

[B]

Yeah, dude, we definitely both have pew beards.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. That's true.

[B]

Did you make this? Someone sent it in. Puppet Mechanics on Etsy.

[A]

Puppet Mechanics. Thank you. I love it.

[B]

Dude, the Knicks jersey. Awesome.

[A]

He had a great idea to Santino and Adam Ray to do the puppet voices.

[B]

Oh, shit. These are great. Yeah, man. Where were you this weekend?

[A]

I was in Portland, Oregon, and then I drove to Providence to the vets, and then I drove home that night.

[B]

Wait, Portland or Portland, Maine?

[A]

Portland, Maine. Sorry.

[B]

That's a fucking drive.

[A]

I'm an idiot. Portland, Maine. Yeah. Portland, Maine. Club, Great town.

[B]

Just lobster genocide wherever you look.

[A]

Yes. Every.

[B]

Every restaurant we serve. Like, that's a bad place to be a lobster.

[A]

Oh, that's a good point there.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Yeah, it's like being a kid at the Vatican. You're. Yeah. That's a great town. And the weather was good and the people are nice. Only 70,000 people live there. It's crazy.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's such a cool town. It's cute.

[B]

The great lit up.

[A]

They drink.

[B]

That's a place where you feel like they definitely find some dead bodies, like, by the water. Oh, like someone passed out by the water. Froze.

[A]

Definitely. You can play homeless or tugboat captain.

[B]

Oh, for sure.

[A]

Yeah. It's a wild. Oh, lower than national. It's too cold to stab.

[B]

Yeah. It's great, though. I love.

[A]

It's great. Yeah. I had a thousand oysters, you know. Had lobster the first day. Great. Club Empire Comedy Club. Shout Out Killer.

[B]

Oh, do you have a comedy club?

[A]

Yeah, back in the clubs, I'm. I got nothing.

[B]

Oh, nice. I didn't Even know there was a club there?

[A]

Yeah, I did the Vets theater on Sunday, and it was a shit show. I mean, this beautiful theater. It's like a hot crowd, and I'm like, 18 minutes in, I'm like, so you guys see that amputee cornhole player? Like, I'm just so out of material that I had to just go, ugh. Tiger woods, huh? That was crazy.

[B]

The amputee guy was better at killing than you were.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Damn, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, that theater is epic, though. I love. I was just. I just did the club in Providence. I'm easing back in with some porosos.

[A]

Yeah, there we go. Suck on that. Bert, your tour bus is burned.

[B]

What the was that?

[A]

I think they left a. A burner on or something. Something's burning, but he's just plugging his show. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, I forgot how it was. Something where they just happen to be on the other bus. It was crazy.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

But, yeah, Bert will spin that into some good content.

[B]

What the.

[A]

Whoa. That's a lot of shirts to lose.

[B]

Did. Is that when he.

[A]

That's.

[B]

He probably owned that bus too.

[A]

I think so. Yeah. He's got ins. It'll be fine. It was.

[B]

It was like a Vesuvios from Sopranos Inside job.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Burnt Kreischer. Damn, dude.

[B]

That's pretty cool.

[A]

Yeah. Crazy. But, yeah, Portland's great. And then I did a show on a bus in Providence.

[B]

On a bus?

[A]

Yeah. They got a bus gig. They drive you around the city.

[B]

Produced by Bert.

[A]

Produced by Tiger Woods. And then a LaGuardia plane flew into it. Now.

[B]

Oh, my God. Yeah. What the fuck is happening?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Do you see those lines at jfk?

[A]

Yeah. You know, I've been to JFK twice since all that. I haven't seen any lines.

[B]

It's weird. Yeah. I wonder if people don't have. I mean, this is ignorant, but people who don't have any of that clearance stuff, like, I don't know, but I was listening to a podcast about it, and they were. I think, was like the Daily or something, and people were like, yeah, I've been in line for five hours.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And then you miss the flight, which is fucking.

[A]

That's the night.

[B]

It says the worst lines in history.

[A]

That's what I've seen. Oh, there it is. That's what Hunter Biden said. But, yeah. Yeah, there's the comedy bus. That's a tough gig.

[B]

Why'd you do this?

[A]

I was in town. They asked me. I can't say no. And they paid me. That's a three for.

[B]

It was a day show.

[A]

Yeah. 20 minutes at 4:30, I think you

[B]

got to start saying no.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I was like, any other comics of my caliber do this? They're like, no.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta have time to write. You gotta have time to relax. You gotta have time to recharge. Yeah, recharging is good.

[A]

It is. It is. Yeah.

[B]

I.

[A]

Sure. It's the little roadie comedy fest in Providence. Oh, who's that? And Hachi Machi as a little roadie comedy fest. So it's like Mulaney, Chelsea Handler, Kevin Hart. I mean, it's a crazy lineup. Santino was there. So it's one of those things where I drank all weekend in Portland with Bolger, and then I drove to.

[B]

I thought he was sober.

[A]

Me?

[B]

No, him.

[A]

Oh, no. He's got diabetes, but he's not sober.

[B]

Good for him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Staying with it.

[A]

He was getting after. He was like, day drinking. I mean, it was a wild weekend. And then got there, and I'm like, all right. I made it to Providence. I'm crashing for a few hours for the. For the show at the vets. And then they're like, oh, you're on at the bus in 30. I'm like, go. But we pulled it out. No, I didn't bail. I went in.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

It was wild, but it was fun. We had a good time. There was cool people on it, and the guys who run it are great.

[B]

How much time you do?

[A]

I did 20. I said, I'm doing 20, 25, and that's all I got.

[B]

Jesus.

[A]

Well, you get a Rosa Parks joke in there. I said, what are you drinking, a Greyhound? You know, we had. We had some good things.

[B]

Still doesn't seem worth it. Damn it, dude.

[A]

Yeah. But driving home that night is the best. After the vets got in the car, made it home by 11:15.

[B]

Did you go solo, or were you.

[A]

I had Doug Key there.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

He lives there, so it all worked out.

[B]

He's a good dude. Yeah. I did a gig on Saturday at MSG at the Garden.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Main Garden.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

It was an NYPD show. So it's like, all cops in the crowd.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

All police people. Lot of female cops. More than I expected.

[A]

It's this crazy lineup, though.

[B]

Listen to this lineup. It's first off, my. My green room is right next to Cyndi Lauper.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

So she's chatting me up, and I was like, this is hilarious.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I didn't Realize how thick her Brooklyn accent is.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know she was British.

[B]

She sounds like one of the Rugrats.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

This, like. She almost has, like, this childlike voice. She's like, yeah. So I said, fuck him. Like, that's how she talks. And then you hear a voice like, that's beautiful. How the hell.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

She's awesome, though. She's so cool. She went up. I had to follow Fat Joe.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

Who did four, like, hits.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Yeah, he do. He's doing, like, all the ones you like. Lean back all the way up.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Like, just all songs. You're like, yeah, this is. This is, like, hit resonating with the crowd. Yeah. And I go on after that, and I'm like, this is gonna be tough.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is the difference between rappers and comedians. He gets off. And I was like, oh, man. Good said. And he goes, I know. I've never said that in my life.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I've never had that confidence.

[A]

Wow. Totally.

[B]

But I go on and it's touch and go, man. I have him, I lose them. I have him, I lose them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the weird part is, you know, sometimes you ever do a gig in an arena where, like, they just don't have an attention span?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

The starts of my bits are doing way better than the end.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

So I'm like, the payoff is not crushing, Right? But the beginnings crush, and I think they just really it. Next bit.

[A]

Oh, interesting. Yeah.

[B]

But then I went up. It went fine. It was touching up and down, but how many minutes? Fifteen.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It felt like I was. I Wish it was 10.

[A]

Sure, sure.

[B]

It's like, you know, I'm getting pops. But it's like, I'm also getting a lot of, like, by the end, I think they were like, all right, next. Next performer.

[A]

Oh, boy. And then I would go edgy with cod. Did you go edgy? Of course. Yeah.

[B]

But it's a lot of female cops.

[A]

Oh, right.

[B]

So I'd go edgy, and they'd be like, whoa. I'm hearing voice like, oh, shit.

[A]

Did you shit on Mom, Donnie? That would have crushed.

[B]

No, no. But Chris went on after me, DiStefano. And he opens with, like, three minutes of like, you guys are the best. And I was like, you fucking cunt. I'm literally backstage like, you motherfucker. He's like, I was supposed to do a gig in Seattle, but, you know, fuck the Seattle pd. I only work with the nypd. And they're applauding. I'm like, this fucking cuck.

[A]

Oh, man. He's building them up and.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but then he lost him a bunch, too. But. Yeah, then it was like Cyndi Lauper went up. She did, like, one song. It's. All the presenters are crazy, too. It's like John Starks, you know, Rosie Perez.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

All these big people presenting. And then. And then John Fogarty closed it out from ccr. He did an hour.

[A]

What?

[B]

Yeah, it was pretty crazy.

[A]

Holy moly.

[B]

80 years old.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah, I sent you a clip, didn't I?

[A]

Can we hear some loper? I want to hear her talk. If you can find it.

[B]

This is when I sent a John Fogarty. 80 years old. Listen to this shit.

[A]

Hey. Still cooking. Not bad. Not bad at all.

[B]

Just an hour of just, like, hits. You're like, oh, I know every one of these songs. It's crazy.

[A]

Hell, yeah. Oh, they're on their feet.

[B]

It was pretty cool. Yeah, but it was hilarious because someone sent me the write up from, like, the New York Post, and it was like, Morel and Destefano both had the crowd in stitches. I'm like, there was an ally in that building who fed them some false information.

[A]

Right?

[B]

We did what we could.

[A]

Stupid question, but if all the cops are in there, isn't that the best time to break the law?

[B]

A few people said that. Okay, you're copying material from Rosie Perez right now. But yeah, but I gotta step. But yeah, there's other cops. I mean, it's like, it's not all

[A]

cops, you know, but there's some cops.

[B]

I was expecting more white cops. Chrissy said it on stage. He was like, I didn't know how many Indian cops there were. He goes, what is this, Calcutta? But there's. I was like, wow, there's a lot. I was expecting, like, more like Irish Catholic vibe.

[A]

It's a lot of.

[B]

Yeah, it's blood diversity in the NYPD now.

[A]

Well, that's why we all cops are racist. You're like, they're all, you know, black and Latino and India.

[B]

Who, by the way, can be racist.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Anyone can be racist.

[A]

That's true. Wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a happy New Year. Many blessings and let's help each other out. She should.

[B]

Yeah. Great voice. Get her in a Pixar movie.

[A]

Wow. How about that? Did you sing Girls Want to have Fun, I assume.

[B]

No, she did. Damn. What's. It's not Time After Time, it's another one. Is it True Colors?

[A]

Okay. I didn't know she was from Brooklyn. I'm an idiot.

[B]

Is that the song? Yeah. Yeah. Yes. That was it. That's what she did.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It was good. Yeah. She killed. People were very happy.

[A]

Everybody's from Brooklyn.

[B]

Yeah. You're just like, just don't get booed. Every part of your brain is like, as a comic, don't say the destructive thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Don't get booed off at msg. Just get through it.

[A]

Yeah. Was there ever a joke where they were like, no. No, thank you.

[B]

Yeah, I did a riff after one that I shouldn't have done.

[A]

Oh, shooting a guy.

[B]

Eric Garner. No, no, I made a joke about. I made a joke about. One of the women who brought me up was from Law and Order svu, and I made a joke about, like, an old bit about svu. Oh, there I am.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe shouldn't have worn my elbow patch sweater for the NYPD event. I was just in and out.

[A]

But save that for Columbia.

[B]

An SVU joke about, like, how it's like an oldie about how, like, you ever just watch, like, four straight hours of SVU and you're like, this is too much rape for a Sunday. I'm not even paying attention. I'm folding sheets. I'm like, why am I consuming svu? Like, it's smooth jazz. You know that joke in the episode is like, oh, yeah, the mom's pushing the baby in the stroller. She turns around for a sec, she turns back around, the baby's gone. And she's like, I'm a horrible mother. And I was like, no, you ran into one of the greats. That guy was amazing. That was, like, the Steph Curry of abduction. That one did not pop.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

But then you were like, oh, the quick ones are hitting. I'm doing, like. I'm like, scan. I'm skating my head for, like. All right, what's a late night joke? What's the joke? I done, like, Conan back in the day or Fallon or something. What's quick?

[A]

Yeah. Oh, wow. Tracy Borg.

[B]

We're at Marbury. My friend took a video. Marbury. Laughing at my Magic Johnson jokes. Oh, that's pretty cool.

[A]

All right. But that's exciting. I mean, it's a New York thing. It's a gig in the city. I'm sure it paid handsomely.

[B]

No, it's a benefit. It doesn't pay anything. Do it for the city.

[A]

I would have skipped that one guy.

[B]

You performed on a bus? I don't want to perform at the Garden.

[A]

Well, that's.

[B]

I want to stick to Providence buses.

[A]

That's comedy in a nutshell.

[B]

Yeah, well, you want the stories you want to do everything because you want the stories and you want to.

[A]

Yeah. You know, over these influences.

[B]

That's Amir Erison from the blacklist, and she's one of the SVU people.

[A]

Oh, there you go.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They introduced me, actually.

[A]

Yeah. All right.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

In the city, though, Garden. Not bad.

[B]

It was fun. It was fun. Yeah.

[A]

And it's nice to be invited, like. It's nice to be thought of, like, oh, who's a comic, who's local?

[B]

Yeah, it was. Yeah. It's an honor, man.

[A]

That's great for the.

[B]

For the city, for the New Yorkers. It's cool.

[A]

Look at that.

[B]

That's. That's after one. Did not hit. That's resting bomb face.

[A]

RBF. Yeah.

[B]

But it was fun.

[A]

Tickets are 375.

[B]

For what? For the picture.

[A]

What?

[B]

Getty Image. Wow. Geez.

[A]

Damn. Who's buying that? The Grande is 5 Hondo.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy moly.

[B]

Not a. Although I don't give a photographer a lot to work with. I was watching some of the Chris Fleming special. I'm like, he fucking works it. He's moving around.

[A]

I thought the same. Me and my wife, like, this guy's in shape. I know. Up and down jumping.

[B]

He's running around, and then I'm like. I was like, he's gonna be out of breath. And he just spoke for him.

[A]

Never out of breath. He must kill it on cardio.

[B]

Yeah. What do you think he's doing?

[A]

I mean, he must just hit the. Out of a treadmill.

[B]

That's. I heard Taylor Swift does that. Like, she would. She'd be, like, sprinting while singing. Like, to keep your lungs and maybe.

[A]

I believe Louie said he would run five miles, like, a couple weeks for a special just so he didn't have the fat guy. And then, you know, the other day, that breathy voice, you know, so he would run just to build it up,

[B]

but he has to move on stage.

[A]

I think fat guys, they just talk and they sweat and they sweat, and they have the. Like, the Peters, you know? Yeah, he doesn't have it.

[B]

He's not fat anymore.

[A]

I know, but back in the day,

[B]

Kevin James used to have that great bit where, like, you're just always sweating as a fat guy, and, like, what do you just do? Do jump rope? He's like, no, I peeled a banana.

[A]

There you go. And this we got him in Lexington. Can't wait.

[B]

One great one.

[A]

Can't wait.

[B]

Some of that good bourbon.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's the hard part, is not drinking.

[B]

That's. Well, the Hard part is. Yeah. Like the day drinking.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because, like, I remember I did one of the bodega cat signings there, and they just took me in the back and they're pouring me pappy and shit. That's like. That's like their way of being like, come here.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's how they show love in Kentucky. They're like, try this fucking whiskey. And it's. I'd be like, how much is this? And they're like, price is not important. I'm like, I'm just curious. Yeah, $10,000. I'm like, what?

[A]

Oh, my Lord.

[B]

Like, it's good, but it's not that good.

[A]

Yeah, that's crazy.

[B]

I'll stick to fucking. I'll stick to. I have no problem with the low end shit, man.

[A]

Same, same. Which I guess is a problem. Yeah, I'm with you. I drank Jim Beam growing up and that's like the cheapest shit ever.

[B]

It's good, though.

[A]

It's pretty good. Yeah.

[B]

I put that in a flask, but

[A]

yeah, I always go, what should I do In Kentucky and Lexington, they all say, distillery. Distillery. And they're like, dude, I got three shows tonight.

[B]

Yeah, I was looking for like an art gallery or something. Trying to not be blackout by tonight.

[A]

Yeah. Give me an old statue or something. But yeah, that's what they do there.

[B]

Oh, man. What are these? What are you. What are you zone in here, Peters?

[A]

Oh, Pappy.

[B]

How much are these bottles? Because, like, yeah, it's good, but it's not like you've had it in my place. Right. Then I poured. Yeah, it's good, but it's good, but it's like. I'm good with like, Lagavulin too, if I'm going high end.

[A]

Yeah. Look at that, 2,300 bucks. That's crazy.

[B]

It's just. That's just if you have like. If you're just sick of your money.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's just for people who are like.

[A]

It's like a Rolex.

[B]

It's like flexing.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah. But a Rolex you could flip at some point.

[A]

Ah, true.

[B]

You drink this. I guess maybe if you don't drink it, you could flip it. Who's just collecting it to collect it?

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. It's weird what hits people. Like, some people are action figures, some people are baseball cards, some people are pappy, some people are watches, cars.

[B]

Yeah. What's your advice?

[A]

It's a good question.

[B]

You got that old car. That's pretty cool.

[A]

But my thing is I got My car I wanted. And I'm good. I don't need eight cars.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I also can't house them all.

[B]

Give it a few years.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

Maybe you'll. Yeah. But we're both kind of, like, satisfied. We're easily satisfied.

[A]

I think we are. Yeah. And I got. I got a pair. I'm not a shoe guy. I have one pair of shoe. I ride it out, then I buy another pair.

[B]

I like experiences.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's why I like. I like, like taking people to a good dinner, especially on the road. Like, getting some camaraderie going.

[A]

Yeah, that's the way. Go. Like, I'm going to Jazz Fest. Praying I got Derek Trucks can come through with some tickets.

[B]

Oh, but what's going on there?

[A]

He's working on. Peters is a miracle worker, but that. I'm pumped. I'm going with the wife. I got some shrooms in the. In the suitcase. You never know.

[B]

The baby might be in the suitcase, too. Sounds like parents of the year right here.

[A]

Well, they're gummy shrooms, too, so I got to keep them away from him.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah, but I'm gonna give my. The baby, just throw it at my mom and then hightail out of there. Pretty excited.

[B]

So you're not going to crash your parents?

[A]

No, we got a nice, nice hotel. We really splurged.

[B]

Are they offended when you don't stay with them?

[A]

A little. Yeah. But they live out in the boonies because they're old, you know, they don't want to be in the city. And it's too far. Drinking and drive it. It's too much.

[B]

What a really fancy hotel.

[A]

Yeah, I went with the St. Vincent.

[B]

Oh, I've heard of that one.

[A]

Which is so expensive that the wife got me in a fight. She caught me in a fight. She was right, I was wrong. And she goes, I want the St. Vincent.

[B]

What was the fight?

[A]

It was about the special with a joke in it. Yeah?

[B]

Which one?

[A]

Well, I don't want to get. I don't want to open up the can of jizz here, but I'll tell you off air.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But she was appalled and ashamed. And so I just said, she's like, I want the Vincent. I was like, all right. Yahor. And I bought it, and it took everything I had because it was so expensive. And I sent her the receipt, and I said, how do you like me now, skank? Wow. Yeah. So she got me.

[B]

That was another fight. Now you have to fly out first class.

[A]

Damn, dude. Yeah, that's why I did that party bus. Cause I was like, I gotta make up some money from the hotel.

[B]

Our job gets us in trouble. I've gotten in a lot of trouble from this podcast from women that I'm like, not quite dating, but in that kind of gray area. Yeah. And then they see a clip and they're just like. And they're like, what the fuck? They'll just send it to me. And I'm just like, oh. At first you're like, oh, I didn't know you listened.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

And then a second later you're like, oh, you're furious at me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I do feel like there's a type of woman that only listens to.

[A]

To find a fight or to be

[B]

like, what the fuck? I want to. I've had relationships where they listen to pods and they're just like. They're just finding bad shit.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

They're never like, I love that recommendation, that film noir you mentioned. It's always like, you fuck too

[A]

well. It's like that Chappelle joke whenever a woman says, we need to talk. It's never like, I'm not blowing you enough or something like that. And it's the same with the pod. It's never like, that was a really funny joke you had with. With the Stranger Things guys. It's like, I can't believe you said this.

[B]

I know. And jokes get you in trouble too.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I have a long one in my new one that's not out yet about a woman I prematurely ejaculated on. And it was during sex. I didn't just do it in conversation. Sounded. I'm not that much of a premature ejaculator, but I didn't last long on a one night stand. I'm not gonna tell a fun. I'm not gonna tell like a cool sex story in my special.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

So I didn't last long. And I, you know, I shot it on her old belly. And as you do. As you do. And as Robert Schimmel would say, you suffer from premature ejaculation. Those aren't tears on your belly. That's a classic. But yeah. And she. And I was like, this is like a three, four minute bit now. I really want to put it in, but she had a very unique name.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And I wanted to use her name. So I text her the bit, like, do you mind if I use your name? And she was like, yes, I fucking mind. I'm a successful blank. I'm not gonna say her job, but I'm successful if you use My fucking name. I'll kill you. And I was like, can you help me come up with like an alt name that's kind of close? And I bounced a couple off her and just like in sex. And, and I, I, I got, I got a blessing on a pretty close name.

[A]

Okay. All right, everybody. Where you compromise?

[B]

I think it's the classy thing to do.

[A]

You run the good man.

[B]

You didn't do it for your wife. But I like to do it for one night stands I don't care about. And yeah, that's crazy.

[A]

Yeah, there's a podcast will get you. And the worst is when you get to a fight over the podcast and you go like and subscribe.

[B]

Well, she, she was like really pissed.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it was a joke I made and then we talked about it. That group got mad at me and then attacked her.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So it wasn't, it wasn't the joke that bothered her, it was the aftermath.

[B]

She didn't sign up for this shit. Yeah, but she's liking that house.

[A]

Loving the house and loving the hotel

[B]

that the jokes get.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

It is connected.

[A]

That was part of the fight. That was all in there.

[B]

I should be able to say horrible things for you, but I get it. I get both sides.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I really do.

[A]

She was right.

[B]

Were you already going to this festival?

[A]

Mm.

[B]

So you got. You were gonna stay in a night as Night as hotel.

[A]

Yes. And she knows me. She knows I'll put up some dirt shit box. And she was like, no, no, we're going all out.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, she deserves it.

[A]

Give her a good. Yeah, she deserves it.

[B]

That's part of why she's a good wife.

[A]

But that's part of why I did that bus gig. Cause that, you know, I do that too. Phrase the price.

[B]

I do that too. And it's like. But then think about what you make for the theater. It's like. But I do the same thing. I'm like, I gotta, I gotta show up at this fucking weird gig. But then you're like, it'll we pan. But then you get end up getting like checks. Not like you used to, but like still get checks in the mail sometimes. You're like, oh, that's cool.

[A]

That's cool. Yeah, totally. But I have this thing where it's all gonna run. Run out. This fear is gonna go away.

[B]

Of course. And also like years of doing shit for free. You're just like, it's hard to say no.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And you got guys like, no offense, but like a Dane cook who is so huge. And then, like, his brother Ste, you know, his popularity dips, and he's doing arenas and he's doing theaters, and he's doing clubs. And you're like, why couldn't that happen to us, you know? Yeah. I mean, not the brothers.

[B]

You don't like your brother. Yeah, but. No, I get it, dude. And also, like, people get ripped off. Like, we all like the same accountant, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What if that guy was just like, think I'm going to go to fucking Mexico and just exactly take their money? I mean, you know, there's probably ways that they couldn't do that. But happened to Leonard Cohen. That's why he went on that last retirement tour.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

His manager just stole five mil from him.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And that was his retirement fund. And he was just like, you know, super Buddhist and chill and was just like, well, luckily, I've been given a strong center, and I will. I'll figure this out. Because he didn't seem that angry.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

He was just like, yeah, I'll go back on tour.

[A]

Billy Joel, same thing. He had all that money stolen. He was like, I guess we got to get back to work. And then his wife left him.

[B]

Seems like a lot of people. Maybe we are fucked.

[A]

I know. It's scary.

[B]

Peters is just. He's doing a withdraw from our account as we're doing this. No, dude. Fucking ccr. John Fogarty was on stage, was like, I didn't get my songs back till recently.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Because all these guys are young when they hit it, so they don't have the right support system. So he just lost all the rights to his songs. And you think about that when you see all those CCR songs in movies and you're like, so we got nothing from that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's gonna just piss you the fuck off. Imagine you're watching your John Fogerty. You're watching Lebowski, like, this is a good movie. And then Dude Looking Out My Back Door.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Comes on.

[A]

You know, I mean, he's got eight songs in Apocalypse now or whatever. All those war movies have. Fogarty.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

It's gotta be. It's gotta hurt your enjoyment a little.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Then I wonder, with. With our money guy. Now they're saying, AI can do all that.

[B]

Don't do it.

[A]

I'm just saying your cheapness could get you broke. Wow. I'm telling you, with a.

[B]

You're getting replaced with a robot Jew AI with, like, the little curls.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is.

[A]

Right. But. But, you know, you heard about the guy who sold his house in five days from AI, and he didn't have to pay a realtor and fees and all that.

[B]

You know, if you're a realtor, you gotta be a little scared.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I think lawyers, because they're already knocking down their percentage.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

And they were already aggressive as fuck.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

But.

[A]

But anything clerical, you know, with, you know, those affidavits and all that shit, that we don't know what the hell that means. And they.

[B]

But a hot realtor will always make money.

[A]

Hot realtors.

[B]

If you're like a hot MILF with like a short skirt and you're like, can't you picture yourself in this? You're. Yeah, there's something about it.

[A]

AI is gonna hurt porn too, because if we have no realtors, you'll have no porn plots.

[B]

You know, I thought you're going the other way. I thought you're gonna be like. You just like custom porn.

[A]

Oh, well, that's already. That's already there.

[B]

God, how much porn do you watch these days?

[A]

I do. I'm all a weekend only.

[B]

Weekend only?

[A]

Yeah, because I'm with the wife at home on the. During the week, so I can just bang her. And then on the road, you're alone, so I'm like, porn time.

[B]

Damn. Weekend only is a good rule.

[A]

I try. Yeah. And it.

[B]

You.

[A]

I'll tell you pull it up and you go, whoa, mama. And like, it hits you again. Because it's been a while.

[B]

It's like when you're sick for like a week and a half and it's your first cup of coffee.

[A]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

I'm with you. Yeah. Sometimes when I take a long time off porn I watch when I'm like, wow, they're really doing wild shit.

[A]

Yes, exactly. And yeah, it hits you harder. But you can get. You can get. What do you call it? Immune to that real quick.

[B]

These young kids, man, they don't know.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I hate to sound like a boomer, but, like, they don't fucking know. I mean, it's funny that they're like. I guess the reports that they're less sexually active.

[A]

They are.

[B]

I'm sure alcohol has a role in that because they're drinking less also. But it's like if you're just on your phone, you're just like, yeah, I'll just fucking like. I felt that way a little bit even at the concert. Like, a lot of people, like, left towards the end of the show, and I watched the full Fogarty thing, and I think a lot of people are like, I'll Just go on my phone.

[A]

I know.

[B]

It's so. It's just overwhelming, like, the amount of people that. You're just, like. You look around. Everyone's just on their phone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

When I see a person walking down the street without headphones, no phone.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're almost like, that's fucking vintage. That's like a throwback.

[A]

I saw a guy just sitting on the train like this. No book, no headphone, no phone. And I was like, that's a. That's a man.

[B]

I like seeing a book.

[A]

Yeah, book's good.

[B]

Book's nice.

[A]

But these guys, like, on a flight, you ever. Sometimes they call it raw dogging. The guy will just, you know, stare at the seat.

[B]

That's weird.

[A]

Yeah. It's a little flight, but I couldn't do it.

[B]

Yeah, but how do you write, then? What are you, just, like, pacing?

[A]

Yeah, writing. I pace.

[B]

In, like, which room in your apartment?

[A]

I have my own little office at the house, so I just pace. I put an hour on the buzzer, and I just go back and forth.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Put a little music on.

[B]

I do. Yeah, I do. I do a similar thing.

[A]

And hotel rooms, too. That's a good jazz. Little jazz. Yeah, same Impala. You guys ever get in, date a

[B]

girl, and she says, I don't want you to look at porn.

[A]

So she like, let's make porn.

[B]

And you can watch that with her.

[A]

No, I've never had that.

[B]

No. But I've had a girl say, we can make porn. And I did. But really, she didn't care that. Yeah, but I was just like. That was kind of fun. But it's like, you fuck the way you play basketball, it's never quite as good as you think. You see the footage. You're like, man, I don't really move like I thought I did.

[A]

Oh, you are. I couldn't watch that.

[B]

Well, yeah, I mean. Well, I'm not gonna watch her fuck another guy.

[A]

That's a good point.

[B]

It's me.

[A]

I could probably watch that. Really? Well, later or before me, maybe.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

It depends on the guy. Asian guy I'm in, but. Yeah. Wow. I can't believe you. Knowing I'm filmed. It would be. I'd be different. I don't know. I couldn't do it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not my. Not my cup, but you dated that escort or whatever the hell.

[B]

That's wild.

[A]

So you had all kinds of videos in my.

[B]

Somewhere on the Internet.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Is it just your dick, or is your face in there, too? Yeah, never my face.

[A]

Her face. If you know what I mean.

[B]

I don't. I don't be jerking off and come across a Peter's video.

[A]

Yeah. You're like, who's the guy in the Bills jacket?

[B]

I recognize that laugh.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Not. Not my cup. With the filming.

[B]

No.

[A]

But also, ladies, you should want your man to watch porn, because then he's getting it out on porn, not on another lady.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know. Also, it's like, you feel good when you jerk off and you didn't use porn.

[A]

Well, that's. That's.

[B]

You can't do it. Nah.

[A]

I could probably do it if I was really horned up, but just, like, randomly. I don't know if I could do it.

[B]

You can't. It's hard to do it to a memory.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yes, I've done it, but it's been a while.

[A]

Even, like, a girl in a bikini helps me.

[B]

Oh, yeah, of course.

[A]

Yeah. But just imagination. That's a tough one.

[B]

You ever jerking off and you see, like, a porn star who looks like someone you dated?

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's kind of.

[B]

You're like. You don't know how to feel. Really? You're like, huh.

[A]

Yeah. It always helps when you know him. Like, even Stormy Daniels, who I never heard of, till Trump had the whole thing. I jerked off to her after because you kind of got to know her through the news, and that was fun. And I told people I was doing research for a bit.

[B]

Even that one didn't want to come out. That was weak.

[A]

It was like, Lance Bass.

[B]

Damn. I don't think I've ever seen her videos.

[A]

Oh, she was a. I know.

[B]

She's big. I know.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

She had a moment, huh?

[A]

Oh, yeah. And, like, she's. She's aged, you know, quite a bit. But in her heyday, she was a real firecracker.

[B]

No, she's obviously attractive.

[A]

Yeah. Huge cans, you know, giving. Very dedicated.

[B]

Imagine buying a ticket to see her. One of those comedy clubs.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

I would be at clubs and they'd be like, stormy Daniels is coming next weekend.

[A]

I remember that. Yeah.

[B]

And you'd be like, holy shit, this is her last stop.

[A]

Stop. I know.

[B]

Our goal is her last stop.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, it's crazy.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Holy.

[B]

She was at Stand Up New York.

[A]

Oh, man. Lisa Ann, I think did Stand up or something.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Oh, maybe she went to Matt Rife show, so.

[B]

Yeah, that was something.

[A]

Yeah. She tried to do podcasts for a while. She was hot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nailing Palin.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Old school. Yeah. I like when they do that. I like when they do like a celebrity parody. A parody.

[B]

You like your porn? Like a David Zucker film?

[A]

Yeah, definitely. Naked Gun. Look at that. Who's this?

[B]

Oh, Seinfeld porn.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

They have Scooby Doo porn. They got Simpsons porn. I've seen. A Family Guy is a big one.

[B]

Yeah, I've seen. I. I've seen the things that I can't click on them. That's my childhood. I don't want it to be. It's a wonderful life for the cinephiles.

[A]

Tits are wonderful.

[B]

Citizen Kane porn. Gone with the Wind.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What is that? Fifth Element? I don't know what that is.

[B]

They've Godfather porn.

[A]

Minions.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Fun.

[B]

Wait, no, they don't have.

[A]

I made that. I bet they do, though. They got porn for everything. Oh, they got it. They're blowing each other. Wow. Asians are crazy.

[B]

How did I. Wonder how it works. Like a cat. Do you have like a porn agent who's like, we got you the Minions gig.

[A]

Yeah. I wonder. Huh? I heard those AVNs are a good time. Yeah, I mean, David Tell used to host them.

[B]

He killed it.

[A]

Yeah. I think Jeff Ross does not seem

[B]

like an easy gig.

[A]

No.

[B]

God, I don't think you get their attention. Yeah, I remember seeing it. Tell his talent like gold and they're just like half space down.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's like Fogarty. Yeah. Give a shit. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure Norton's done it.

[B]

He has.

[A]

Look, there you go.

[B]

You never do a gig like that.

[A]

I don't think I would do it right for it if I was single. I might do it.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Cuz I'm sure you shack up with a porn star after.

[B]

It would be pretty weak if you didn't.

[A]

Yeah. Like, I don't want to speak out of school, but that guy on the right did it and my friend wrote for it, so he went and he said he fucked like eight of them in a day.

[B]

See, that's. I physically couldn't do that.

[A]

A day. You spread it out.

[B]

You got eight nuts in a day.

[A]

Well, with porn stars, maybe I would need a boost. Get this man an iv. See, look. Lisa Ann went to his show. Oh, I'm giving it away. Damn it.

[B]

But I need more glutathione in my arm. My dick hard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

God damn, dude.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I think he caught up in the moment. He's not a big drinker, so that's his vice.

[B]

It's weird. It's a weird sex Addiction's a weird vice.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Because the people who. You who talk about it are always like, they're just fucking tens.

[A]

I know, I know.

[B]

Like, if you're fucking, like, you should be in a nursing home fucking people if you're a sex addiction.

[A]

That's a good point.

[B]

You. You should only be fucking models.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I never thought about that. Yeah. Everybody's a sex addict if you're fucking tens.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

You don't have a problem, you fucking. One life.

[A]

Yeah. Like, crackheads are in an alley, like, scraping anything together.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Yeah. That's gonna be a bit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Do you have any? Well, I have. I have some peeves. I want to.

[A]

I got some peeves, too.

[B]

I got. What do we have? Ooh. Had a girl over. She wanted my room at 62.

[A]

Jeez, that's low.

[B]

That is fucking low. Wow, that's, like, a little cold, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she hugged the fucking blanket.

[A]

Oh, you can't have it both ways.

[B]

She's walking around my apartment saying, it's fucking. You know, she's in, like, a sweatshirt. She's hogging the blanket. And I'm like, you don't like 62? Yeah, you're cold.

[A]

That's good. Now, does she go, I like it at 62, or she just put it at 62?

[B]

No, she wanted it at 62.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

There are some people. It's like. It is feel, like, privileged to be like, I want to freeze in here. And then I'm gonna bundle up.

[A]

That's true. Yeah, that's true.

[B]

I like. I'm like, a good 67. 68, maybe.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. 68 is perfect, but 62 is crazy.

[B]

You don't realize how important that is in a relationship. You gotta at least be in the right area.

[A]

Yes, yes. But you throw a blanket on, you're fine. You know what? I bet she's a new gal. She didn't want to get sweaty in front of you.

[B]

He was. Women. How about this? You ever go on, like, early dates and they just don't eat?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

They take, like, two bites. I'm like, I got a bunch. I got stuff for, like, share.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Like, you got to eat. You don't touch. I'm going to eat at all.

[A]

Yeah. May was like that when we first met. She was like, I don't want to get fat. I don't want. You think I'm not ladylike? So she didn't eat. And it was weird. Then she'd have, like, 38 beers. Yeah. She was a Big beer lady. But yeah, the no eating is strange.

[B]

A beer lady is a woman who order like a whiskey is kind of hot.

[A]

Oh, yeah. But then you wonder, maybe it was like an anal thing with the no eating.

[B]

She wanted her butthole clean.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Maybe she still want to poop.

[A]

Oh, that too. That too.

[B]

I mean, look, I don't love pooping on a date, but I've done it.

[A]

Yeah, when, you know, nature calls.

[B]

I got a bigger apartment now. Back in the day when like my. My bathroom was right next to my bed. Oh, I'd be like blasting music and they why is he playing me? I don't. I don't want you to hear this.

[A]

Ye.

[B]

No way to hear what's coming out of me right now.

[A]

It's kind of nice if you have a girl likes getting shit on, like on her chest because then you're like, all right, I don't have to be self conscious about shitting.

[B]

I don't think it's nice. That is. That is a fucking appalling.

[A]

There was Odell Beckham Jr. Was into that. That was his thing.

[B]

Is that real or is that one of those urban.

[A]

It was the Internet.

[B]

There was a lot of stuff about him though.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah. Like, is he gay? Is he? And I don't know if any of it's true. It's like, could just be. He just might be kind of like a pretty flashy guy.

[A]

Oh, there you go. Oh, he responded.

[B]

What he say?

[A]

Oh, Junior calls poop gate a lie. Poop gate is a lie. Okay, good for him.

[B]

And he played for the Browns. Give me a break. These right themselves.

[A]

That's great.

[B]

Season kicked off last week, but the topic of everyone's conversation came from things that had absolutely not a darn thing to do with the gridiron. It was all about Adele Beckham Jr. And not if he will save his career and legacy this season after a few terrible years. But yes, guys, thanks to this podcast called no Jumper where a few women have become the new age version of

[A]

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[B]

to not classy bunch cut the dirty laundry of NFL NBA players as well. On a recent episode, a lot of us were shocked and well, frankly didn't believe a word of this. And since then, Odell posted something and then really just put his focus and energy back on football and hasn't really spoke much about it until now. He appeared on uninterrupted and finally acknowledged Hoopgate. Odell saying this of every rumor and situation. All the BS I've dealt with in my career.

[A]

This was the funniest.

[B]

I have never ever in my life heard this one. I couldn't believe it.

[A]

So, okay, good for Beckham.

[B]

But that sounds like something a pooper would say. I, I, I'm laughing right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What about, what's your next one you're

[A]

looking at, by the way? All we talk about is the manosphere. Manosphere. These out here with the, with their paw, they're not doing any

[B]

because whether it's true or not, it's pretty gross.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then what? You just let a guy poop on

[A]

you and you're right, then you go talk about it?

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[B]

What? Do you see this thing with Kristi Gnome's husband?

[A]

Yes. That's wild, right? Wild. I love it. He saw his nips were all out of order.

[B]

It was crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's wearing. But then it's like a fetish, I guess. He's in like a group chat and trans visibility day. Is it?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Trans visibility.

[A]

Yeah. So that was a perfect.

[B]

But he's got cross dresser. He's not trans. There's all these subsets. Like. I know, but he's like. Like his whole thing is he's in the big tits, but then he wears the big tits.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Crazy.

[B]

That's. That's like a subset. They're like, I love big tits.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

But I don't want to. I don't want to have them.

[A]

No, no. God, no. Look at that. That is good.

[B]

Howdy. Face is rough.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's like not a great. Yeah, that's almost worse than the tits.

[A]

That's true face. Yeah. Because he knows that's what girls do.

[B]

It's not great.

[A]

Oh, that's horrifying. He looks like he went to Mar a Lago to get the surgery. You think you know him. Somebody. Okay. Wow.

[B]

That's crazy. That's his thing. It's like he has a few things. Clearly. Fake tits.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wearing fake tits.

[A]

Yeah. Women's clothes.

[B]

Women's clothes.

[A]

So he didn't get surgery? Obviously.

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But maybe. I don't know how it works. Maybe this is like the step. I have no idea.

[A]

Wait, go back to that. Look at those nips, how out of whack they are. They look like Kash Patel's eyes. There's one going this way, one going that way.

[B]

That is crazy.

[A]

That is embarrassing. She's having a tough, tough go.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, what the. Yeah, that's a bad angle, too. That's the Anthony Weiner angle right there. Get the fuck out. Wait, what does it say? The tweet. Get the fuck out of here. You've been posting about trans and gays each and every fucking day, and now you want to move on when one of your own gets exposed as well. That is crazy. All right.

[A]

Okay. What a.

[B]

That was about. Who is that about? Sorry to miss that.

[A]

What a time to be alive. Crazy. We know. So much. Like, Cash Patel's emails got leaked. You see that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you're like, this is the FBI director.

[B]

It shouldn't be this easy.

[A]

Yes, yes. Crazy time. We got a fight on the White House lawn. I mean, you can't keep up all kinds of wacky news stories.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that's like, how do you react when someone. You're married? Like, she must have known. There's no way she didn't know, right?

[A]

I don't know. Some of these things kick up later, which is a little scary to know that, like, in 20 years, you might have a new kink that you don't have now.

[B]

Yeah, but she must have known. Like, he must have, like. I don't know. I guess some guys, if you're married, you just, like. Some maybe dip their toe in with the wife to see if it's, like, safe or whatever. Are probably, like, I just want this area over here. But they have kids, and they're all pretty old. Oh. I think the youngest one's, like, 29.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So that's kind of wild.

[A]

This is. Yeah, you don't want that out there.

[B]

But I saw a quote where she was like, I'd like to request your privacy. We need some privacy at this time, is what she said, which is like. That's what you say when someone in your family dies. It's not what you say when someone cross dresses.

[A]

Right, Right. Oh, man. This is why you don't want to get in the public eye. Says the guy with the podcast and a special.

[B]

Yeah, dude, scary. Apparently her. Her husband's taking her to this really nice hotel in New Orleans to make it up to her. Feels terrible and crazy.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

That's fucking crazy.

[A]

Yeah. This Is wild.

[B]

I mean, this is. We're recording this the day this broke, so there might be a lot of new shit coming out.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

We didn't weigh on them.

[A]

That's true. But I heard she had a side piece the whole time. Time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So maybe, you know, you see your husband with fake tits on, you're like, I gotta get. I gotta find a real guy, you

[B]

know, I better get ahead of this. Yeah, yeah, better. And him, too, right? Doesn't he have a side piece, too?

[A]

Oh, nice.

[B]

I mean, Clue. He's got a few, but.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, the husband.

[B]

You just gotta know you're gonna get with messages these days. You. You're gonna get caught at some point.

[A]

Yeah, well, you know, at least he got it off his chest. All right. We're having fun, bud. No, they all get the crazy surgery on the face. Is that the piece or is that the hubby? Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah, he's. DC is. It's like LA.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They're going wild.

[A]

It's ugly. LA.

[B]

It is ugly.

[A]

LA. Yeah. It's like McConnell and all these old guys, but they're all kind of celebrities, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that's what they say. Politics is ugly. Ugly. Show business.

[B]

Yeah. What do you got any peeves?

[A]

Oh, yeah. How about this one? This. This is a little specific for comedians, but you do the show, you go to a bar after, you go to a restaurant after, and someone from the show is there at their table. And I get this one, oh, come here, come here. And I'm like, I'm at the bar with my friends or opener or whatever, and I'm drinking, and they're at a table, and they're like, come here, come here. We want to talk. We were at your show, and I'm like, well, why do I have to go to you? I don't want to talk. You want to talk, you should come to the bar.

[B]

It's a very fair peeve.

[A]

It's a bad. It's like. And it's just, like, emasculating. Like, I'm like, okay, hold on, D.

[B]

What are you, the king?

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

You're summoning me, right?

[A]

It's.

[B]

That would annoy me.

[A]

It's kind of a cougar move. It's like, always an older white lady who's had a couple of Zinfandels, and she's like, come here.

[B]

You didn't mention it was a woman woman.

[A]

Yeah. We loved you.

[B]

All right, now I'm listening.

[A]

Well, it's not exactly. It's like a Hairdresser or something. It's not exactly somebody you want to. You're dying to chat it up with. And then once you're at the table, I went over because I'm a. I went over there and I was like, hey, guys. They were like, we had a great time. We loved you. Sit down, Sit down. I'm like, what? No. What am I. Did you hire me to come here? Get out of here. So I got the hell out of there.

[B]

Damn. Yeah. Do you go to, like, the bar next door?

[A]

Yeah, we got. We had left there too much of this.

[B]

I've done it, but you just got to be ready for that shit.

[A]

I know, I know. And I'll talk to anybody, but I don't care for this.

[B]

Yeah, the summon is a little. Yeah, it's a little much.

[A]

Not a fan.

[B]

Don't love it.

[A]

And then they did the. Send the shots over, which is also a tough move because you want to be grateful, but I also don't want to do a shot.

[B]

What kind of shot?

[A]

It was Jaeger.

[B]

That's aggressive.

[A]

Yes. We might be drunk. Jaeger.

[B]

I'm at the age where I like, prefer to sip Jaeger.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's how fucking old I'm getting. I'm just like. I would rather sip it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because actually, I don't hate the taste.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

But it's just. It's a kind of a nasty shot.

[A]

Oh, it's thick and, like, gooey. Yeah. It's a digestif.

[B]

That's what I mean. I'd rather sip it.

[A]

Yeah. Coats the stomach.

[B]

It's kind of nice, man. Yeah. I kind of ease my way back. Back in on booze with some digestifs. A little amaro. I'm like, after dinner, let's. My stomach's full. Let's help them. Easy my way back in. Fucking love a good digestive.

[A]

It's very nice, but do you get a buzz off that? Because you haven't.

[B]

Yeah, it's got alcohol in it.

[A]

Because you're probably cleaned out. So you can get a low tolerance again.

[B]

You know what? I do have a low tolerance. I'm kind of pumped for my first drunk time back. I think it's not going to take that much.

[A]

Yeah, well, I was out with Bolger and we had three shows on Saturday and I forgot these Boston guys, we do the four o'. Clock. Then you got like two hour window. And he's like, you want to hit a bar?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

And I was like, oh, I. I forgot this was our lifestyle before. But he's still in it. Yeah. So he went to a bar around the corner and just had a couple of Guinnesses. And then people are like, we're coming to your show. So they send you a beer. And then you're like, I have, like, five beers in here, and I got two more shows where I'm doing an hour with no material.

[B]

Yeah, no, it's bad. I mean, that's how we lived on that shit. But also, we were young.

[A]

We were young twenties.

[B]

You could do that.

[A]

I know, I know. But, boy, it hits you like a ton of bricks. You're like, wow, I guess I've changed a lot.

[B]

I also. You know what I hate about, like, the getting really day drunk is the nighttime hangover. I can't fucking deal with it. I get that sleep anxiety.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't want the night. I can deal with a hangover during the day because I can kind of like, all right, I could drink some coffee, feel it out. But at night, you're just. You're under your covers. You're like, I'm a piece of shit. I fucking hate myself. I got nowhere to go. You're just, like, having, like, a panic meltdown.

[A]

I know, I know. And then I always keep drinking because I feel, like, that pang of a headache coming. That, like, aching. And then you're like, all right, well, I gotta drink that away. And now you're hammered.

[B]

Damn. And my favorite things now are, like, the worst things with this fucking stomach issue is like, you know, I love to start a day drink with a Bloody Mary. That's my favorite thing. But it's like, literally tomato spicy, you know, all that shit. All that shit that you're like, nuts. And you're like, oh, fuck. I love that, though.

[A]

Yeah. He's got a thing of bacon coming out of there. It's all bad.

[B]

I love it, though.

[A]

It's so good. We had a great.

[B]

Never gave. Never could get into a mimosa.

[A]

Yeah. It's all right. On a plane or something.

[B]

Yeah. I guess a plane is kind of cool.

[A]

Yeah, It's a pretty good hangover cure, but, yeah. Bloody Mary.

[B]

You gotta start sweet.

[A]

It's a meal.

[B]

Like, I need. I need a. I need a really tasty drink to kill a hangover.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

How about this little story?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I'm in Portland, so I'm like, we gotta eat seafood up the ass because we're here. You can't get better seafood and more fresh than Portland made.

[B]

Careful. That market price.

[A]

Oh, it fucked.

[B]

That's how they get you.

[A]

That's where I'm going.

[B]

Really? That's how that happened to me, too.

[A]

We go out to the lot, the oyster house. We each get a dozen oysters. Three of us. That's. What is that? 32, 36. 36 oysters. So that's a lot of money. We all get bloody Marys. They're 20 bucks each. There you go. And then we. Somebody gets a lobster roll. I get the clam bake. He gets the mussels, whatever. Then we get dessert. We get a couple beers, whatever. The bill is pretty high.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The waitress comes up, puts the bill down. I go, I got it. I'm headlining here you go, cash, cash, cash. All the merch money. She goes, thank you. Do you need any change? I go, keep it, lady. I go take a piss. I come back from the bathroom. The guy in the table. Hi, Me. Goes, oh, my God, I love your special. Oh, this is crazy. I can't believe you're here. Let me get the bill. And I go, oh, I already bought it. I go, where's that lady? And they go, she left. She retired. She moved to Canada. And I go, fuck. So I. I was this close.

[B]

I think he saw you get the bill.

[A]

That's what I said.

[B]

I think he fucking knew what he was doing.

[A]

I think so, too. So we walked out. That was the big discussion. He knew what he was doing. That's a smooth move.

[B]

Let me get the bill. No one does that.

[A]

No one does that.

[B]

No. Let me get you a drink. They'll do. No one. No one sees someone order lobster and goes, I got that.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's insane behavior.

[A]

Crazy. The shells are all over the table. An oyster half shell and ice.

[B]

That's fucking crazy.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I did the. I did the. We did, like, lobster brunch or whatever when I was there with my crew, you know, we're all there.

[A]

Got the.

[B]

Gary, the camera guy. James, we got Brian, the tour manager, breakfast. Everyone orders, like, lobster omelets, whatever. One of these nights, you look at the bill, you're like, $300.

[A]

I know.

[B]

For fucking breakfast.

[A]

MP, MP, MP. Everything on the menu. There's no numbers.

[B]

And then Gary's walking out. Gary doesn't miss. I picked another winner. I go, shut the fuck up, Gary. I paid for this shit.

[A]

I know. I'm surprised your accountant isn't like, what's going on?

[B]

This guy's a liab.

[A]

Yes. Yes.

[B]

You better be fucking Gary. I am. I'm fucking Gary. But I gotta. I gotta pee for you.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Had a Woman. Went on a date with a woman. And she goes, I'm a little shocked you didn't send me a car to. I was like, what? She goes, I was like, to the restaurant where I'm getting us dinner. Yeah, I mean, I've heard of the car back, sure. Obviously. Leaving the apartment. Apartment. There's a. You know, I've got an incentive there too. You're leaving. It's great for me.

[A]

That's true. But the.

[B]

The car pickup, I've never heard of them. I've never heard of the pickup. And she goes, I'm a feminist. I was like, that's not what a feminist is.

[A]

What?

[B]

I was like, what the Is happening?

[A]

What the hell?

[B]

I said, I'm the feminist. I'm the one who thinks you should go the way I go.

[A]

You're equal.

[B]

We should both walk.

[A]

Right? Oh, this is blowing my mind.

[B]

It blew my mind.

[A]

Feminist, too. That's a weird wrinkle.

[B]

I didn't. I didn't care for any of it.

[A]

No, no. And she brought it up. It's one thing to go, huh? I didn't send me a car. But to not get a car.

[B]

I don't knows what a feminist is.

[A]

I don't think so either.

[B]

I think she was like, I just deserve to be treated well. I was like, that's not. Feminists are treated like. That's why they became feminists.

[A]

Yes, exactly. This is a bit.

[B]

Is it?

[A]

Yeah. I'm a feminist. It's hilarious.

[B]

Time code that one for me.

[A]

Yeah. I've never heard anyone say that. Now you should be like, that's why they're so angry.

[B]

That's why they're feminist.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And can you do that? Hey, you gotta eat my ass. Why? I'm anti racism or whatever. Like, we just throw anything out. Yeah.

[B]

I was shocked by. Yeah, I didn't. I was kind of like, do I. How long do I hold on to this for? Yeah, you don't want to ruin the night.

[A]

I mean, that's a. That's a curb app. A whole EP right there.

[B]

It was. It was a little weird.

[A]

Now, what did you say?

[B]

I was like, I've just never heard of it. And she was like, oh, well, you know, that's like, my last boyfriend didn't treat me well, so I want to make sure I'm treated well. And I was like, oh, my last girlfriend to treat me well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's why I'm not with her anymore.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Doesn't mean I just punish the next person.

[A]

Yeah. Why do I have to pick up his slack. Yeah, that is crazy.

[B]

It was weird.

[A]

But see, women, they know they got you by the ball because you want to have sex with them. So you're like, oh, of course. The car. What was I thinking? I blew it. You know, you just lie because you're trying to score points.

[B]

It was all weird. I think you just. I don't.

[A]

I'm.

[B]

Here's my rule. I'll confront the person if I care to pursue a relationship with him. But if it's someone, I'm just like, I'm not gonna see this person again. I'm just like, yeah, I'll just joke about it on a podcast.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

And then I'll see her in a few months, and she'll be like, I saw that podcast.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

That's how they get you.

[A]

But damn, I've never heard of that.

[B]

I only confront, like, the same goes with friends. Like, I'm not gonna. If someone does something shitty to me, but he's like, not my friend, I'm just gonna. Oh. Either. Maybe I'll say something. But if I don't really care about the person, why even bother with the confrontation?

[A]

That's a good point.

[B]

They all say something. If it's someone close to me.

[A]

Yeah, that's interesting, because I'm the opposite, I think. If it's a friend, I go. I let it go. We're friends. But if it's not a friend, I'm like, what the hell is that?

[B]

Well, I'm doing, like, a really obnoxious thing, right? If I did something really obnoxious to you, you'd just be like, what was that?

[A]

Yeah, I guess that's true.

[B]

You know?

[A]

Yeah, good point. All right, but.

[B]

Yeah, but I know what you mean. Like, if it's in.

[A]

Like.

[B]

We've definitely had some moments, you know, in the world where someone does something shitty and you're like, dude, what the fuck?

[A]

Right? Right. That is a car to the restaurant.

[B]

It's a bit much.

[A]

That's crazy. I mean, that's like Princess Di or something. Yeah, look what happened to her. Yeah.

[B]

Someone sent the car.

[A]

Mm. Whoa. Yeah. What more do I have to do here?

[B]

It is weird because it's like,

[A]

I

[B]

don't mind paying for everything. I've. I've always paid for every day. Yeah, but, like, at least occasionally be like, either a nice thank you or a reach for a purse is nice.

[A]

A reach is good.

[B]

We always like a reach.

[A]

Yeah, but

[B]

I don't know. There's, like, a sense of entitlement sometimes where people are just like, I deserve this. And it's like, why?

[A]

I completely agree. Who the hell are you?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And then also, if you're a feminist, you should split the bill for the restaurant.

[B]

That's what I mean.

[A]

But we're not gonna. We don't have to get it.

[B]

We don't forget that. We don't have to go into that.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. That's one fun thing about dating is you see all these interesting scenarios.

[B]

You meet some whack jobs, you see some sides. And the weird thing, too, is. Is like, this is you at your best.

[A]

Yes. God, you're right.

[B]

This is the job interview.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is. You're never gonna be cooler than this.

[A]

That's a great point. Yeah.

[B]

I've always thought, like, you know, first dates should be fucking nightmare scenarios. If you really want to see. Like, if you want to fast forward.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like, the first date should be like, you both get food poisoning. Does she blame you? And you're like, all right, yeah, true. She was kind of cool about it. You're like, yeah, we should go out.

[A]

Right? Right. Well, that's why I think sex immediately is the way to go. Cause then know where you're at.

[B]

Yeah, we should have sex immediately. I'm a feminist. I think we should do it. No, but, yeah, sex immediately is a good move.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. Because then you get it all out of the way. Like, what if you. What if you have a micro penis? Or she's. Whatever, you know.

[B]

I say before the dinner, we have sex.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I'll send you a card of the restaurant.

[A]

I think other cultures do that, no? I think so.

[B]

What cultures?

[A]

Well, famous rappers. I know. Frenchie. Dessert first. French, maybe not French.

[B]

No.

[A]

Somebody eats dessert first.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

Sicilian, Something like that.

[B]

What culture eats dessert? That seems like a terrible idea, too.

[A]

Yeah, I guess so. Several cultures. South Indian. Oh, okay. I thought it was more European now.

[B]

It's not a good food place. It's doing this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I guess there's some good Indian spots in the city right now.

[A]

Oh, it is. I like Indian.

[B]

Went through a. A place downtown. Musa Fair with Jim Jeffries.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So good.

[A]

Okay. When dating, have sex first. When? Several cultures again. Scandinavia. Europe.

[B]

God, and Scandinavians are smoking hot.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's a nice part of the world.

[A]

Yeah. And these are confident women, like, most guys. A girl, and they're like, how do I get out of here? This is a woman. Like, I. I'm so confident in me that he'll still want to see me

[B]

after I've had two Scandinavian women brag to me that their ancestors hid Jews during the Holocaust. And I'm like, okay. I mean, great. But I mean, also, if your grandparents were Nazis, I probably wouldn't. Maybe I'd hold it against you. I don't want any. Not. I don't want any Nazi lineage.

[A]

Yeah, but kind of feel like you're.

[B]

I mean, you're sticking it to him.

[A]

You're not gonna have a kid with this lady.

[B]

You never know.

[A]

Yeah, I guess that's true. Wow.

[B]

But, yeah, but I guess it's nice to hit the Jew.

[A]

Yeah. Very nice.

[B]

Germany, what are the. The concept of Dayton as a. As a rich, say, rigid procedure.

[A]

Wow. Very German.

[B]

It's less common. Physical intimacy often develops quickly. Is that true? They skip the formal dating phase? Yeah, I guess. Like, a lot of. There's, like, a lot of hipsters in Germany now.

[A]

Oh, yeah, that's true.

[B]

So hot chicks in Berlin.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Not too sure. France. While the three date rule exists. This is bullshit, dude. This is all because they're gonna say stuff about America that we're like, well, let's see what they say about France. Well, the three date rule exists in some narratives. And modern dating. Physical attraction is often validated early in the process, sometimes leading to sex in the first. I mean, this is every culture. I don't. This is bullshit.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

There's gotta be some that are crazy. Brazil in modern youth culture. Uh.

[A]

Oh, here we go.

[B]

Sex on the first date is considered common and widely accepted with a more direct approach to physical intimacy than in the past. All right, Brazilian chicks, we can pick Ari's brain about that.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Wow. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I do respect a woman who makes me wait, though. I have to say.

[A]

Oh, interesting.

[B]

Don't you?

[A]

I mean, I get annoyed, but you do kind of want it more.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah. And they seem more. They're like, less attainable, which makes it more attractive. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it does work.

[B]

It works.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, what? Why is she holding it back? What do I have to do? It makes you work harder.

[A]

Yeah, but you must be spending a pretty penny with all these dates.

[B]

It depends. Sometimes.

[A]

All right, sometimes you get the hey, you up? Which is like, hey, I love you.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

In five hours.

[B]

You're doing the math.

[A]

Yeah. That's pretty good.

[B]

There's a long line of lineage that's, like, extra excited in my body. I'm like, this is great. Love A U up text.

[A]

Oh, it's Great, Great time.

[B]

Got a UOP text. It's a good one.

[A]

It's good. You feel. Hey, somebody wants to bang me.

[B]

And I think it's become funny again. I think it was douchey for a while. I think you up is now, like, ironic and kind of fun.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. That's true. That's exciting.

[B]

It is exciting. But then you're also like. I feel like the ones you want to stay longer never want to stay longer.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And the ones that linger, you're always like, all right, when are we.

[A]

Yeah, but it's kind of chicken of the egg. Do I. Does. Do I want her to stay longer because she wants to leave, or does I want this girl to leave because she wants to stay longer?

[B]

A great point. I made a woman a to go cup of coffee. Coffee, wow. Which I was like, this is my subtle. It's in a paper cup.

[A]

Oh, that's good.

[B]

I thought that was pretty good.

[A]

Yeah. You put it outside the door,

[B]

put some money next to it with a note that says cab fare.

[A]

Right? No, but hey, the. The. To go coffee. That's. That's a good move, right? Yeah, that's very good.

[B]

Because it's subtle.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's not like a you leave, but it's like, oh, in case you want to.

[A]

It's subtle and it's thoughtful. Like, hey, to go. You know, like, if you got. If you got things to do and you can walk around with it, that's pretty good.

[B]

I. I didn't. That was a good idea.

[A]

Well played.

[B]

I thought it was smart.

[A]

Yeah, I like it.

[B]

Iceland. What do we have about Iceland? Considered one of the most sexual. You've been there. You've been to Iceland?

[A]

Iceland's crazy, but a lot of incest. Really? They have a dating app in Iceland that tries to dodge your relatives.

[B]

That should be every dating site.

[A]

That's true. But there's so much that it. It's like a thing where they have to watch out for it. Damn.

[B]

Why? Yeah. Can we. Why is there so much incest in Iceland?

[A]

I think there's so few people. They all look kind of alone. Like, damn. Yeah, give that a go.

[B]

But that would suck to meet a girl. And you really hit it off. And you're like, this is the one I know. 23andMe.

[A]

And you're like, that's true. Yeah. See, it's not a ton of people, limited gene pool.

[B]

So you must thrive with that accent there. Because they're like, yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And the women there are pretty. Are Pretty smoking, right?

[A]

Pretty hot blue eyes, blonde hair. You would clean up because you look so different. You got the black hair, curly hair. You know that that's. You'd stand out. A lot of, like, man buns out there. Yeah, A lot of, like, Nordic guy who are tough and big and strong, but they also have long, flowing blonde hair and weird. Like, a lot of, like, travel gear outfits, you know?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A lot of, like, camelbacks. Yeah, yeah. And those windbreakery things with the boots.

[B]

Icelandic men. Yeah, man.

[A]

Yeah. There you go.

[B]

God, thank God Salacus isn't here for that picture. He'd have a field day.

[A]

I know. He put us in there.

[B]

See?

[A]

Like, look at that guy on the right. I saw a lot of guys like that.

[B]

Yeah, they all look like Alexander Skarsgard.

[A]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Some women are into that, so it's a good look.

[B]

I had another peeve, by the way. I want to find it. Peeve, peeve, peeve. Oh, my God. This is a minor peeve.

[A]

All right.

[B]

People with really cute dogs that you're like, oh, can I pet your dog? And they like how to pull it away. And you're like, all right, easy, chapel Roan. You know, it's like, I don't like it. Like, the dog's friendly. Why are you such a crotchety?

[A]

Yeah, true.

[B]

And I do it very rarely, but. Okay. I got a soft spot for the pugs, man.

[A]

Yeah, the pug is cute. Interesting. Yeah. Maybe she's worried it'll bite you and then you'll. A pug, Sue. Yeah. Well, Winnie was no joke when he was.

[B]

When he was an animal.

[A]

Yeah. So maybe that's it. I don't know. And if you ask, I think it's cool because some people just go in for it.

[B]

Yeah, that's rude. I would ask.

[A]

That's why the service dogs have the don't pet me thing on it, which is so tough. You see a big golden retriever in the airport, you're like, oh, I want to pet him.

[B]

They don't get any affection. It's not fair.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

That's up. That's like. That's like your next Pixar mov movie. The. The drug sniffing dog. That is like, I just want to be pet.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

That's something.

[A]

And he's secretly on drugs. You find out the movie, the whole time he was.

[B]

What did you think? No one ever touched me, man.

[A]

Yeah. I'm literally sniffing for coke. I'm gonna get some eventually. Now I'm hooked. Oh, yeah, that's of the Pixar drugstiving dog.

[B]

There's some. Something there.

[A]

Put that on the back burner. I like that.

[B]

I don't think they're buying that one. You just know office. He's a coked out dog, but he doesn't know it yet.

[A]

Yeah, he's cute.

[B]

I think there's a family guy where he got hooked on drugs as a drug sniffing dog.

[A]

Oh yeah, I think you're right, Brian. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What?

[A]

That's fun.

[B]

Any other peeves?

[A]

I think that shit. My Peters is my phone, but I think that was it. I had. Didn't have anything.

[B]

Yeah, they did do it. What? I got a wreck for you too.

[A]

All right, hit me.

[B]

Shout out Tim Dillon because he wrecked it on our pod and I just, you know, I have such a long queue of movies and stuff, but. Mike Lee movie secrets and lies. Great.

[A]

Oh, secrets. I don't know this.

[B]

It's a 90s British movie.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah, it's about a woman who tries to find her adoptive parents. She's black, the mom is white. But like race is not that integral to it. But it's. But it's just good. It's just a. It's a fucking weird movie and it's awkward and.

[A]

Oh, wow. 95, 91.

[B]

It's good.

[A]

All right. Is it funny?

[B]

Some parts are really funny and some parts are like brutal. But he does some really cool shit where there'll be long one shots and stuff. And I think Mike Lee just like, I don't even think he writes a script. I think he just kind of figures it out with his actors and lets them cook. But to do that and then have the scenes be so long without a cut, you're like, damn, you really trust me. Act your actors to just make this work. Yeah, but yeah, I thought it was really good.

[A]

All right, great.

[B]

Yeah, really, really good. Naked's another great one by him.

[A]

Okay, I'm watching Born to bowl and I'm loving it.

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Born to bowl is a Brent. Ben Stiller's new show.

[B]

I gotta watch it.

[A]

So it's like a docu series. But bowling has so much comedy in it and it's so bare bone. Like we think comedy, stand up comedy in the early years was tough with like doing shit gigs, riding on a greyhound, going from place to place, sleep on a couch. These guys are professional. Like they win leagues and win bowler of the year and they're still broke.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

And they, they live in a house in a town and they Just love to bowl. And they're amazing bowlers. They've all won trophies and all this. And they're, like, scraping by, you know, drinking stale beer, eating nachos for free. It's crazy. But they're fun guy. And Pete Weber's in it. Who do you think you are? I. That guy. And he's funny.

[B]

How's he doing? Is he doing all right?

[A]

Not great. He's looking Rob, like, smoking, still drinking.

[B]

Does he have his own home at least? He's not living at home.

[A]

Yeah, he's got a place, I think. But it's all very.

[B]

Who do you think you are? I am. It's iconic.

[A]

Like, I. I don't care about bowling at all. And I'm riveted by the show. I gotta watch just seeing that world.

[B]

I do love that.

[A]

I love it. I love when they go inside and, like, really expose itself thing. And all the bowling alleys are sad and they show them buying the balls, and it's all they. They eat horribly. They don't exercise. They all have bad backs. It's great.

[B]

Damn. Speaking of Stiller, I saw him post this long thing about the movie Reds with Warren Beatty and Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson. So I shot him a dm, and I was like, hey, I just bought this movie on DVD like, two months ago. I'm gonna watch it. And he was like, I think it's really good. It's 3 hours and 15 minutes. It's slow as fuck.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Nicholson is amazing in it. He plays Eugene o', Neill, the playwright.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like a. Kind of a morose alcoholic, and he's hilarious. Every time he shows up, it's gold. It's too fucking long.

[A]

So, yeah, it sounds like.

[B]

And there's not action or anything. Like, there's very few movies that can hold me for three hours, and there's, like, a lot of plot lines going that don't end. It's not bad. But Beatty won best director for the Oscars, and I'm like, this could have been edited down.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. It's a shame to have all that star power and still be boring.

[B]

There's just too many storylines going on at once. But there's. But there's certain scenes where you're like, holy, that was incredible.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And then other scenes where you're like, all right, pick it up.

[A]

Did you finish it?

[B]

I did.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[B]

I can't not finish.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But my wife.

[A]

All right. It was sitting right there, but, yeah, yeah. All right. Yeah. Reds. I. I think I put it on. On cable, but I never got.

[B]

There's like great scenes, but, like. Yeah, it's not a wreck.

[A]

All right. I watched Mira off of your wreck.

[B]

Which one?

[A]

Jerry and Mira.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I thought it was great. It was touching. So touching. Heavy stuff. See, New York in the the 80s was cool. Upper west side, like, list wrecked it to me.

[B]

He was like, you gotta. I think it was you and me on a thread with him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But.

[A]

Yeah, look at that. Great stuff.

[B]

Great stuff.

[A]

Dude living in that apartment with all his artists and super cool Sony York. Yeah, love that. I love anytime you get an era, like, I'm watching the Chili Peppers Doc and like that. La, the new Doc.

[B]

Or is it older?

[A]

It's on Netflix. It's brand new. Oh, wow. And it's all about how they started. Flea is unreal. Like, the guy. I thought he was playing bass when he was like five. He. They. He was hanging out with the dude. They're all smoking weed. Like, you'd be good at guitar. You should pick up the guitar. And he's like, okay. Starts playing bass and they're like, we have a gig in two weeks. He learned bass in two weeks, enough to play live show shows.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And now he's just amazing at it. But they're just guys wandering around. They're like.

[B]

He considered one of the best bassists ever.

[A]

Yeah, completely. And he plays the trumpet. He plays a piano. But these were just knockaround guys in LA who would just get high and go to the beach and around. They all had broken homes and they just became this band. But they show this great footage of them on Sunset strip is like 21 year olds and they're like, got mohawks and they get into fist fights and do blow and they get. They become addicted to heroin. Heroin. It's fascinating.

[B]

You don't get some of those songs without some heroin.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, totally. I didn't know the lead guy, Anthony Kiedis, was a rapper. What? That's how he started.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

They're like musicians. And he's like, let me rap with you. And they were like, I guess. And it worked out.

[B]

Damn. Yeah, I guess you hear that a little bit in some of the songs.

[A]

Like give it away, give it away, give it away. It's all very fast, you know?

[B]

And they were in my show once in la, I did a gig. I did a gig at, like the region agent. And Tom Thakar was. Opened it for me. He's like, dude, the Red Hot Chili Peppers are in the crowd. I was like, What?

[A]

Holy.

[B]

And apparently, I don't know which one of me is like, one of them, like, asked if he had any merch. And I was like, I didn't bring merch. They would have bought fucking merch. That would have been so cool.

[A]

That's a flea. Wearing a Naples.

[B]

I think it was everyone but him.

[A]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[B]

But I was like, yeah, I would have loved to have met him. I didn't get to meet him.

[A]

Super crazy story. Yeah, it's a fun. I'm only halfway through, but I'm loving it.

[B]

Damn. There's so many docs.

[A]

I know now. We got a norm one coming out. We got a Lorne Michaels one coming out.

[B]

And Judge said we might be in the norm one.

[A]

Oh, that would be. That would be touching. A lot of docs, they used to perform naked. I mean, these guys were wild.

[B]

Naked.

[A]

Yeah. They were animals.

[B]

I mean. Yeah.

[A]

Look at that. Street kids.

[B]

Crazy wild.

[A]

But they show. They got some good LA in the 80s vibes and it was fun. It was free. And, you know, Beach.

[B]

I wonder if they still tour.

[A]

I think so. Yeah, they're still out there. Yeah, they're killing it.

[B]

They were massive. I'm sure they still are. They did that. They did a Super Bowl a few years ago.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Remember?

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. They have. They had a gay. This gay black guy is one of their friends coming up. He was an artist, and when they started the band, he's like, you guys are red hot. You guys are red hot. And that's how they got the name. Wow.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

So, yeah, fun. Fun stuff like that. Never been a huge fan of the band.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. But seeing the dog got a lot

[B]

of good songs, though.

[A]

Yeah, but Californic. Not for me.

[B]

You just love a doc.

[A]

Yeah. I like a dog.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But come see me, too. I'd love to. Love to have you in the audience.

[B]

That was a great. Yeah, it's a great invite right there.

[A]

Not a fan, but I think they're talented. I just don't know.

[B]

It doesn't connect you as much.

[A]

Yeah. Nah, it was more like a Pearl Jam. Nirvana, really? Green Day. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Green Days. Green Days. Yeah. Classic.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Nirvana, Guns N Roses.

[A]

Yeah, that's fun. They had a.

[B]

They had a run, man.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Appetite for Destruction. Like, use your illusion. One and two. Those were just heat from start to finish. It's great.

[A]

Guns and Roses.

[B]

Someone say Red hot. Not.

[A]

Might be top 10American band, Guns N' Roses.

[B]

You think so?

[A]

I would say it's like Beach Boys, Guns.

[B]

Yeah. Like, who's in the mix? Let's, like, pull some up. Let's see. What do they say the top 10American bands are, like, online.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Beach Boys have got to be in there.

[A]

Gotta be.

[B]

So Pet Sounds, dude. Yeah.

[A]

Iconic. Yeah. Who else?

[B]

Metallica.

[A]

Eagles is big.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you gotta put Credence in there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I guess I never got into a lot of these pearls. Never really got into the Eagles or Van Halen or Aerosmith, to be honest.

[A]

Yeah, Aerosmith's good.

[B]

It's good. It's just. I never got, like, really into it. But they're good. Yeah, but it's just not. What else is there?

[A]

It's hard to beat the Brits, I gotta say.

[B]

The Brits got us.

[A]

It's like Beatles of the who. Led Zeppelin. Stones. Yeah.

[B]

Kinks.

[A]

Kinks, yes. It just keeps going. Black Cannon Cruise. Blood, Sweat and Tears is pretty great. Yeah. You see, it's almost like. Like a B side compared to the Beatles.

[B]

Michael Jackson.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Not a band. Steve Miller. Foo Fighters. Pearl Jam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The Meters. Well, can't believe.

[B]

What are the great. Like, what else are we missing in for?

[A]

Ramones, Leonard. Skynyrd's pretty good.

[B]

What about British, though? Seager.

[A]

Seager. I love.

[B]

I love Seager.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, Tedeschi truck bands. Made it. How about that?

[B]

Yeah. What about British, though? Go, go British now.

[A]

British is going to.

[B]

They're going to smoke us, blow us off the. They got Oasis, too.

[A]

I know, you're right. We invented. Rented it.

[B]

The Beatles, Zeppelin, the Stones, the Smiths. All right. Oasis, the Cure.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Stone Roses, the Kinks.

[A]

There you go, Queen. Black Sabbath is great. Oh, T. Rex is underrated.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Never heard of the Jam Supervisor. They fall off quick.

[B]

What about ELO Electric?

[A]

Oh, that's a great band.

[B]

That's a great.

[A]

That's got to be amazing. American.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Come on. U. S. Where are they out of? Oh, no. Birmingham. Which one? England.

[B]

Yeah. It was too good to be true.

[A]

Damn it. That's a great bid.

[B]

They got some hits.

[A]

Great. So we got the Almond Brothers.

[B]

Oh, that's big.

[A]

All right, we're back. Okay.

[B]

We had a lot of good, like, individuals that we got, like Bob Dylan. We got. Yeah. We got a little.

[A]

That's true. Billy Joel. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Mono. Cone.

[A]

Cone. I'm trying to think of arena guys. Oh, we got Jimi Hendrick also.

[B]

Hendrick. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Elvis.

[A]

Elvis, we're back. Chuck Barry.

[B]

Yeah. He got wrapped.

[A]

Biggie, Tupac, all the rap. Eminem.

[B]

British rap is, for the most part.

[A]

Yeah. Stinks. Oh, we haven't. Oh, we got a Fleetwood back. I would throw in there as well. Need a little lady.

[B]

Kanye. As a Jew, it hurts to say,

[A]

but Kanye, you know, he would. They said he was doing the arena in Tel Aviv, and I fell for it. What? I thought I was real. I was like, oh, my God, the Jews are so forgiving. He did a Heil Hitler song. I went to number one. So I thought he was. I thought that was real.

[B]

Can you imagine buying tickets that you're like, hope he doesn't play the new album. Play the old stuff.

[A]

Please, Please. I think he's trying to get back in with you guys. He. Apologies. Apologize.

[B]

Yeah. I think he's just.

[A]

Oh, James Brown, Little Richard. Sam Cooke is great. Stevie Wonders, the Killer. Friends.

[B]

How we miss friends? We got. We're back.

[A]

We're good.

[B]

We got the solo artist down.

[A]

Yeah, Springsteen.

[B]

Oh, we missed Springsteen.

[A]

Yeah. Johnny Cash is Cash. I'm not a Metallica fan. Nina Simone, huh? Supremes are big. Temptations are huge. All right. We're killing Marvin Gaye. Madonna.

[B]

Sinatra.

[A]

Oh, Sinatra.

[B]

Classic. Whitney Houston, dude.

[A]

Whitney Houston.

[B]

Talking Heads. Roy Orbison.

[A]

We're all right we're all right, baby. We're back. Joplin. We are all right. Okay.

[B]

Rock Lobster. No.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What was that other one? Oh, AC DC Is Australia. I'll give them one. They got one. Yeah. Man at Work. I think that's British. All right. It's okay.

[B]

Carol King's great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Earth, Wind and Fire.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they're great. The Doors. That's a big one,

[B]

dude.

[A]

Paul Simon, I love.

[B]

Damn, dude. All right.

[A]

The Dead.

[B]

The Dead.

[A]

Yeah. We're back.

[B]

We're killing Nelson. We're fine.

[A]

Yeah. Suck it, you limeys. All right.

[B]

It's kind of a fun movie. Ever see that one, the Limey?

[A]

No.

[B]

Never heard stamp.

[A]

No.

[B]

Soderbergh. 90s what? Fun one.

[A]

No, I don't know it.

[B]

Check it out. It's a stylish 90s.

[A]

Oh, crime. Yeah, right. On my own.

[B]

90 minutes, too.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Stamps, Cool as fuck.

[A]

Guzman is in it.

[B]

Yeah. It's a fun one.

[A]

All right. Hell, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's a great soundtrack, too. Soderbergh, man, when he hits. Yeah, he fucking hits.

[A]

What's his big one?

[B]

Out of Sight's Grave.

[A]

Oh, yeah, the Oceans movies, I think he did.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's Soderbergh. And then there's another guy with a similar name.

[B]

I didn't see Black Bag. That got good reviews, though.

[A]

Oh, he did Magic Mike's Last Dance.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

That's a money grab. And the original.

[B]

People love that shit.

[A]

People love it.

[B]

He's all over the place.

[A]

You see Che Guevara, Traffic. Oh, that won the Oscar.

[B]

That was a good one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, Aaron Brockovich.

[A]

Oh, he's killing it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Sex lives and videotape. I love a guy who started with an indie to break.

[B]

I never saw that one.

[A]

It's pretty good. Yeah, it's slow, but it's. It's good.

[B]

Peter Gallagher. I got his eyebrows. And that's it. What? Yeah. It's a good flick, though.

[A]

Yeah, it's fun.

[B]

Check it out.

[A]

Che Guevara. He. He got caught diddling kids. You see?

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. No, no. Back in the day. But they took all.

[B]

Some detective was hot on that case.

[A]

That was a cold case, but he cracked it.

[B]

Yeah. What happened?

[A]

They just found out he was diddling kids the whole time, and so they took down all the statues. Statues? Was it him or was it the other guy? Castro Caesar Chavez?

[B]

Oh, I think it was Shavez.

[A]

I get them mixed up. It was Michael Che. There you go. Civil rights icon.

[B]

Yeah. I did not hear that about Che Guevara.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Anyone from the Che Guevara estate listening, we apologize.

[A]

Sorry, sorry. He's the Cuban, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Okay. What's going on with Cuba? Do we own that?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay. We're getting there, I think.

[B]

No, it's getting close, but, yeah. Beautiful place.

[A]

That's what I hear.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're not allowed to get new cars. They keep fixing up the old cars, dude.

[B]

Yeah, just shoot a old movie there. Maybe just use Cuba.

[A]

Good idea. Look at those old car. They just keep fixing them. It's kind of cool, kind of beautiful. Bill Burr had that great idea for a show, Cuban Cars, and just do like a Pimp My Ride, but with Cuban car.

[B]

Damn. That's not a bad idea. Yeah, just fucking bank 12 and leave.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Fly comics out. You could probably do it.

[A]

Yeah, my mom went there for some work thing, and she was like. It was. It was tight. It was rough. Like, you can't go everywhere. They shut shit down after a certain hour. Some places just don't have water. Good times, Communism, man. Yeah. It's no good.

[B]

You think you want it until you get it.

[A]

Yep. Everybody likes free. Free this, free that. But nothing's free. God damn it.

[B]

Yeah, there's weird rules.

[A]

Mm. But we're selfish by nature, so it just doesn't work with the human condition.

[B]

Not in America, no. God, look at those. Look at the water there, though. Look at that. Go back to that. It's fucking beautiful.

[A]

Yeah. It's so close to us, too. To write off Florida's dick tip there.

[B]

I don't like. I don't like cigars, but a Cuban is something about it, man.

[A]

Have you had one?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, Never had one.

[B]

They're so good.

[A]

Really? Yeah. Damn, I'd love to have one.

[B]

Look at that. Look at the colors of the fucking building.

[A]

I know. I think at one point it was booming through Hemingway.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I mean, the casinos and all the mob guys. Yeah, the mob guys would go there, and Hemingway would just fucking get lit up there. He lived there.

[A]

Oh, that's right. You know, and Key West.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that's two great places for an alcoholic.

[A]

That's true. And he loved cats.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

Oh, is that him with Chavez?

[B]

No, with Castro.

[A]

Castro.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The Castro stuff's great. They tried to kill him with an exploding cigar.

[B]

So many ways to try to kill him.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Couldn't do it a long time.

[A]

It's like Trump. It's like multiple attempts. Can't kill him.

[B]

He was crafty.

[A]

He drinks eight Diet Cokes and four cheeseburgers a day.

[B]

I think he lost a couple brothers in some of those wars when they. On the revolution. Castro. But it was like, you know, he had a couple brothers left, though, when he was in power. It was, I think, Raul and someone else. But that. I mean, the baseball scene in Cuba is fucking insane.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

They do it differently where. They do it, like, you play where you're from.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And so it's like. It's kind of cool.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think that's because, like, there's so much more pride.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

I think the team is like the Imperiales.

[A]

Right, Right. It's like that old Seinfeld joke. You're really just rooting for a uniform.

[B]

Exactly. That's a great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, I remember that one.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. Cubans are great at baseball. And Dominicans.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. Was that old Colin Quinn joke. Any Dominican kid could beat Babe Ruth in baseball. Now we act like Babe Ruth is, like, legend, but anything. He was a legend. He was a legend.

[B]

This revisionist history. The guy was overweight. He fucking smoked cigars. He drank all night. He ate, like. And he gambled all night.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And he was still knocking bombs. This Babe Ruth hate.

[A]

I like Ruth. The. The Bambino. Pull up his diet if you can. This is what Babe Ruth ate in a day. It was like four steaks, a bottle of gin, you know, two cigars, and, like, a ham sandwich.

[B]

He made it to like 54 in life. He did not live long. No, cuz you don't live long on that diet.

[A]

Oh, legendary appetite. Oh, here we go.

[B]

Oh, this dance. Pint of whiskey mixed with ginger ale.

[A]

That's how it starts. You can hit a 90 mile an hour fastball even eight hours later. Maybe that's the trick though. Maybe. Maybe it slows down. Makes that ball. Beach ball.

[B]

A steak, four fried eggs, fried potatoes, and a pot of coffee to balance out. Other than the alcohol, this actually doesn't sound that bad for you.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

This is like what like most manosphere people eat now.

[A]

That's keto.

[B]

You gotta have your eggs, man.

[A]

Yeah, protein.

[B]

The liquors were. And also he would just like. It's cool. There's this book on Lou Gehrig that's really good. I forgot the name of it. It's one of the popular ones. But there's a couple. But they were complete opposites. Like Lou Gehrig's mama's boy, you know. Very good. Like, so funny. That's when people were like, racist against the Irish.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, that was America. Those were like the new immigrants. But it's great. And luckiest man. That's the one. But. And you know, they were polar opposites, but they were the two leaders. And he kind of looked up to Babe. And Babe was just the man. Like, everyone was like, he's the. Unless you were his kid. In which case I don't think he stuck around for his kids.

[A]

No chance.

[B]

There was this documentary. I saw him and they were like, babe Ruth did the Lord's work for all these children. And they're like, he later walked out on his family. But he was a wonderful. He was an icon to these kids.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

Not his kids. But. No, he was. But he was. I just an awesome teammate, I think.

[A]

Wow. And then there was a who. Ty Cobb was. They said he was so racist it bordered on dementia.

[B]

But I've also talked to people who say that's. I don't know if it's true or not. Yeah, look it up. I mean, I don't know. But.

[A]

All right. They say, like, there's books about his racism.

[B]

Yeah, let's pull it up. I don't know.

[A]

Was a racist.

[B]

It's a subject of.

[A]

A lot of people say it's interesting. Unapologetic bigot, missile.

[B]

Fabricated incidents. Like, we don't know. That's my point.

[A]

That's a weird thing. Most people are like, he was 8ft tall. They're like this Guy was super racist. That's a weird fabrication.

[B]

I mean, it is crazy that there were no. It's crazy to think there were no black people or Hispanics or anything in baseball at this time.

[A]

I know. No, that's gotta be weird to be a Dominican kid in the 40s or whatever that is. And you're just incredibly good, and you're just like. Well, I guess this is where it ends.

[B]

Well, they. The Negro League. But it was bullshit. I mean, you know, but it was just true. It was bullshit. I mean, they didn't get paid and it was. Yeah. And now they finally allowed those stats to be in the hall of Fame.

[A]

But that's gotta change some things.

[B]

But, no, it's fucking. I mean, I love the Jackie Robinson movie with Chadwick Boseman. I thought it was awesome. 43, 42.

[A]

42.

[B]

I thought it was really good.

[A]

Yeah. I never saw it, actually.

[B]

It's just like. He's just a great actor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Harrison Ford is a coach, too. It's fun, man.

[A]

And I love that old Americana, 40s baseball. Great stuff.

[B]

It's. It's a fun sports movie. I thought it was. I thought it was. Well done, man.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I love baseball movies, too.

[A]

I do, too.

[B]

That's like. Of any sport. Those are, I think, the best movies.

[A]

Yeah. Why is that, Ethan?

[B]

Think. Because there's a lot of personalities. I mean, boxing movies are great, too, obviously. There's so many classes.

[A]

They're not funny.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, baseball's like. You have a lot of clubhouse personalities. Like, I like, even. Even the bad baby. I even like. Like Mr. 3000, which.

[A]

Oh, sure, not a great movie, but

[B]

Bernie Mac's so fucking good in it.

[A]

He's always funny.

[B]

Major League's great.

[A]

Major League's amazing. I've seen Moneyballs is really a great movie. I've seen A League of their own 11 times.

[B]

Classic Tom Hanks, Moneyball. So factually inaccurate, but it doesn't.

[A]

Oh, is that right?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's like they had, like, they. They omit that. They had, like, three stud pictures.

[A]

Why would they do that? We could. You know, it's like we could all look this up.

[B]

The underdog story, I don't know, but 61 is great. The Billy Crystal one with Thomas Jane and.

[A]

Oh, yeah, the Natural is a classic. Sandlot.

[B]

Sandlot, dude.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Bad News Bears is my fave.

[A]

Oh, that's aggressive. In a little white kid. Say the N word like a comedy is wild. I watched on a plane once, so I was. I couldn't believe What I was hearing the.

[B]

The main character who you're rooting for is just drunk driving, pulling up to the. Yeah, I mean, the 70s were a different time.

[A]

Totally. Totally. And they're saying, like, all these things to the guys, like, to the other. Like, there's the one tough kid who's like, I'm not having play with this. And he's like, right there.

[B]

I know. It's crazy.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

Something about kids doing it, though, that makes it like South Park. It's like, dude, yeah. That movie's so good. And then I love. I love to spoiler if you haven't seen it, but I love that they don't win in the end. Yeah, I love that they almost win. They don't win. And then the little kid goes, you can take that trophy and stick it up your ass. And they all cheer. It's fucking great. I mean, because I love that the fucking. I don't know. I love that the. It's not corny. It's like, yeah, they wouldn't win, but they're still having fun and they're gonna play. I mean, it's great. And Tatum o' Neal is an incredible child actor.

[A]

Incredible.

[B]

Such a good fucking movie.

[A]

And they remade it with Keanu, which I thought was hard boy. Oh, no, sorry. Billy Bob. Billy Bob, yeah. Weird to remake classics because you can't go hard anymore. So you're kind of like, why would you remake it?

[B]

But he is tailor made for that type of dude. That's what Bad Santa is.

[A]

That's a great casting.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, he, like. Like Bad Santa, that's like a. You're threading a needle there. Of like.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Unlikable, but also strangely likable.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

He takes it, like, right to the edge where you're like, this guy's a fucking asshole. And then he's still kind of to. It's so hard to stick the land in that. He's so. He's so good at that.

[A]

Then there's the weird subplot that he loves anal.

[B]

I love that. I love that.

[A]

I know. It's great.

[B]

It's just. They're just having dude and Bernie Mac and John Ritter in that movie. It's crazy.

[A]

Oh, and the. The. The midget guy is great too. So fun. And the woman from Gilmore Girl.

[B]

Yeah, she's great.

[A]

Female. Yeah, she's awesome.

[B]

You need that, like, likable character when he's this monster.

[A]

But, yeah, look at the kid now growing up. Brett Kelly. He came into.

[B]

Oh, my God. He grew Into a person. Look at that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That movie is like. That's a holiday class. I'm a sucker for a Christmas movie.

[A]

Oh, yeah. That's coming from you. That's a lot, but. Yeah, that's nice.

[B]

I. I mean, how do you not love a Christmas.

[A]

Oh, they're great. Jingle all the Way.

[B]

I love Jingle.

[A]

I do, too. Even though the Tim Allen one is great, with the Mr. Claw. Whatever it's called.

[B]

I don't remember that. I was a kid.

[A]

Oh, that's fun.

[B]

I like It's a Wonderful Life. Is.

[A]

Yeah, it's great. Great.

[B]

Can't. You can't not love that movie.

[A]

I know.

[B]

There's something about. I mean, I don't know. A good class. Oh. Night Before Night.

[A]

Christmas. Incredible, incredible movie. Christmas Vacation. Of course. Home Alone. Home Alone. Yeah. These are all gold. Scrooged. Love actually is a classic.

[B]

Is Love actually a classic?

[A]

Oh, I watch it every year.

[B]

It's a chicken chick flick.

[A]

It is, but it's. Yeah. Hugh Grant is fun.

[B]

It's got such a chick flick, though.

[A]

The guy, the. The pop star guy in it who's like a piece of heroin addict who's trying to make a buck, is fun.

[B]

Oh, yeah, the older guy.

[A]

Yeah. Yes, yes. Skinny blonde guy.

[B]

Yeah. I don't like that. I'm not a fan of that one, though.

[A]

What about Die Hard?

[B]

I love Die Hard, but it's not. Is it a Christmas.

[A]

I know. I hate when people. It's a action flick around Chris. Christmas.

[B]

Yeah, you could watch it. You could watch it on Christmas, but you could watch it today.

[A]

Underrated movie. Christmas, Klaus. It's an animated movie. It's incredible.

[B]

Never heard of it.

[A]

It's incredible. It's like one of the best movies I've seen, but no one talked about it because it's animated.

[B]

Wait, what is this?

[A]

It's a damn.

[B]

Look at those reviews.

[A]

Look at that. It's incredible. It's well written. It's a whole new spin.

[B]

What the hell? But Norm.

[A]

Norm's in it. Cusack. I mean, it's crazy.

[B]

What? What made you watch this? Norm?

[A]

No, I was at the In Laws for Christmas, and we needed a movie. We'd all seen everything and the kids wanted to watch this. And I was like, oh, God, I better hit the eggnog. This is gonna be brutal.

[B]

Cut to you crying.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. I'm crying. I'm wiping tears away. Drunk and loved it. It's really smart.

[B]

All right. It. I'm telling you, I'll save it for the holidays.

[A]

Save it It's a killer movie. It's really well thought out. It's really clever.

[B]

Look at that. All right. On Netflix.

[A]

It's a banger. Look at that. Five stars, 95%.

[B]

Well, fuck it, man. I'm gonna. I'm gonna save for the holidays. Let's. Let's plug some dates.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I'm all over the place.

[B]

I got really nothing still. I'm adding the. As I said, the.

[A]

Well, you're going to Europe.

[B]

Yeah, but I'm fucking. I'm chilling. I'm gonna add some stuff, but I want to build up a good act before I do it. You know, I want to. I want to have. Have. You know, I want to have a solid something.

[A]

Sure. Yeah.

[B]

I got. I'm still around at the seller, trying to crack it.

[A]

Yeah. Please don't do what I did at the vets. I mean, I. I should have given those people their money back. It was bad. It was really. Yeah. I mean, I got a couple dms after, like. That was a valiant effort, man. You know, we. We drove two hours to see you, and you really talked a lot about Iron Ran. Sounds like. I know. I was out of stuff.

[B]

Valiant efforts.

[A]

Rough, rough, rough. I tried.

[B]

Damn, dude.

[A]

All right, what do you got? La. Here. Verona.

[B]

Is this May? Oh, let me find the rest. Hold on, I got a few more. Yeah, what do we have? Yeah. Los Angeles, May 7th at the United Theater with Joe List, Jordan Jensen, Rachel Feinstein. Gonna be a really Fun show. Verona, New York, York, at the Turning Stone Casino, June 6, and Lisbon, Portugal, August 30. But I'm also adding some. Hold on. Let me tell you what I'm adding right here. I think I said.

[A]

Where is it?

[B]

I have Athens, Croatia, Budapest, Vienna, Austria. Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Warsaw. I'm pumped for Warsaw.

[A]

Yeah, Poland's awesome.

[B]

Helsinki, Stockholm, Copenhagen. I might. I might be missing one, but you go ahead. Mark. Sorry, I should have had that ready.

[A]

All good. Hey, I'm in Chattanooga at the Walker Theater. It's a great room. Raleigh, Good night's comedy club. I'll be at the Netflix Fest as well. In la. Can't wait for that. Ontario at the Casino Rama. Then I'm in Nouveau Brunswick at the Molson Canadiens Center. Spokane, Washington. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Irvine, California. That's fun. That's a big room. Tempe, Arizona. Royal Oak, Michigan, and Cleveland, Seattle, Tampa, San Fran, Houston, Nashville. All right. Pittsburgh. We got it. Thank you, folks. Thank you for the puppets.

[B]

This is hilarious.

[A]

We'll do the ads with the puppets and. Yeah, we'll see you all in hell. Queef it up. Thanks.

[B]

Buy some bodega cat whiskey bodegacatwhiskey.com if you want it in your liquor store or your bar. DM Bodega Cat Whiskey on Instagram. Matt Herman will get on it for you. And yeah, hopefully we're making some moves there, it looks like. Looks like we got in some new bars. Oh, yeah, Keep your eyes open for it.

[A]

New bars and a lot of clubs. Thanks, gang.

[B]

Oh, and a special shout out to Bat City in Austin, Texas. Texas. Serving Bodeg Cat whiskey, so check that one out. Yeah, and we're popping in a bunch of new spots as well, so thank you.

[A]

Bat City coming soon. Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of peck, you know, the beer juice. Close.

[B]

I've had a little too much burping

[A]

and Norman's talking shit about the poke and I get down in the same

[B]

way up on the river Cops coming

[A]

and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm

[B]

out to lunch here in New Orleans

[A]

this woman doesn't look like I remember her and I get down in the same way we might be true.