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Mark Normand
Eggs at this hour?
Michael Blaustein
Eh, I like eggs.
Mark Normand
I like eggs, too.
Michael Blaustein
What's wrong with eggs in the afternoon? Are we starting on that?
Mark Normand
Yeah, let's go. Yeah. All right. Eggs.
Michael Blaustein
I like. I like an egg in the afternoon.
Mark Normand
Hell, yeah. Freeze your eggs.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
No. Anybody freezing their eggs is in trouble. Well, they're.
Michael Blaustein
They might be. It might be a career gal.
Mark Normand
They're not excited.
Michael Blaustein
They're not excited?
Mark Normand
I don't think so.
Michael Blaustein
What does that mean?
Mark Normand
I think they're like, let me shelf this. Literally.
Michael Blaustein
They're shelving.
Mark Normand
They're shelving it? Yeah. Otherwise, you know, you'd want to get pounded and jizzed in.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, but some people have demanding jobs. Some people, they. What if they're.
Trevor Wallace
What if it's.
Michael Blaustein
What if we're talking like a road comic? A female road comic. Maybe she's not ready.
Mark Normand
All right, it's a good point, but we know a lot of female comics with kids.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Who didn't it freeze? True. I'm just saying if you freeze, I think that you're more likely to go, ah, you know what? Screw it.
Michael Blaustein
So you're saying freeze? Never good. Oh, I'm saying cops, they say freeze, you're in trouble. I'm doing Seinfeld now.
Mark Normand
Mr. Freeze.
Michael Blaustein
Mr. Freeze.
Mark Normand
Chill out. Cool down.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, but you might have just pissed off our two female listeners. You might have upset them.
Mark Normand
I just know a lot of people frozen, and then they never did anything with it.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, but then what's the harm in it?
Mark Normand
No harm. I'm not saying there's harm.
Michael Blaustein
It's like hoarding, but for.
Mark Normand
It's hoarding.
Michael Blaustein
So there is a debate on whether or not frozen eggs, you can destroy them. Is that an abortion?
Mark Normand
Is that a life?
Michael Blaustein
It's like, definitely the step before the abortion.
Mark Normand
I don't think it's an abortion.
Michael Blaustein
No, because it's a. I believe they're fertilized eggs. If you have the man.
Mark Normand
Ooh.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Oh.
Michael Blaustein
So it's actually technically a kid to some people.
Mark Normand
Is that right? So you bring jizz in and they put it in the egg. Yes. Wow. That's a fun little science experiment.
Michael Blaustein
I mean, I'm so. But I thought you freeze the egg and you put the jizz in later. I believe you do both. But if, like, what's her name? Vergara.
Mark Normand
From Sofia Vergara.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, she did that. She had children, I guess, babies or embryos that were seminated on ice. They got a divorce, and there was a custody battle for those eggs. Whoa. Damn.
Mark Normand
That's a hell of An Easter.
Michael Blaustein
I don't know. I don't know. I'll look it up. I got a computer.
Mark Normand
Wow. You see, she knew that should have
Michael Blaustein
been a modern family. That's even more progressive than the gay couple.
Mark Normand
That's very modern.
Michael Blaustein
That was like a big deal. Remember they. It's two gay guys.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, yeah.
Mark Normand
Will and Grace. Don't get me started.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, that's true.
Mark Normand
Yeah, Norman, that great joke. He's like, we're all deeply homophobic. Because every time Will's like, I have a hot date tonight. The crowd laughs. It's like, why are we laughing? He's a gay guy who's dating a man. Why is that funny?
Michael Blaustein
I don't think I've ever seen the show.
Mark Normand
It was fine. It was, you know, very 90s laugh track, studio audience. Yeah, it was. It was just a million gay jokes.
Michael Blaustein
What do you call it? Sophia won the long running legal battle over her frozen embryos against her ex fiancee, Nick Loeb.
Mark Normand
I think that's fair. Cuz the eggs are harder to come by. No pun intended. Then jizz. Jizz is everywhere. I'm avoiding jizz all day long in the subway.
Michael Blaustein
Eggs cost so much to freeze. Jizz, you fucking. You were throwing it out constantly.
Mark Normand
Tissues. Socks, face.
Michael Blaustein
Speaking of our guest today, stiff socks.
Mark Normand
Oh, there you go. It's all jizz based.
Michael Blaustein
That was the whole. Remember putting the sock on the door?
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
That was the whole thing you put on the door. Don't come in.
Mark Normand
Meaning, hey, dad, back off.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, you don't do like a roommate.
Mark Normand
Oh, oh, oh, God.
Michael Blaustein
If your dad's that cool. Dad's like, mow the lawn. You're like, I'm jacking off. I'm tugging.
Mark Normand
It's like a do not disturb for. For losers. Yeah, we're just talking. We're in the middle. Hey, not too long. Sit down, you big queefs.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, a little espresso. I like you, buddy.
Mark Normand
We're debating. Did you guys put a sock on your door when you jerked off with when you had roommates? No, I didn't plan that.
Michael Blaustein
May have been more of a movie thing.
Trevor Wallace
It's kind of a trope thing.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Okay, just checking.
Guest/Producer
Wouldn't you just lock your door?
Michael Blaustein
Why is not every door is a lock?
Mark Normand
Tell that to Matt Lauer.
Guest/Producer
You couldn't lock your door.
Trevor Wallace
I remember in the fraternity we had bunk beds and we'd put shower curtains over our bed. And so whatever happened, that was like the do not disturb was a shower curtain over the bed and it was like Everybody knew, but nobody was saying anything.
Mark Normand
Cuz you could feel the jiggle of a jerk.
Trevor Wallace
You were hoping for it, you know, a little Mormon soak tug action, you know?
Mark Normand
Sure, yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Eric, up top is jerking hard enough. You get a little motion in the ocean.
Mark Normand
It's like the quarter at the hotel, you know?
Michael Blaustein
Now we're just doing old movies.
Mark Normand
All right.
Trevor Wallace
The premise of the show is.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, listen, see, we should have sent you the transcript. This is old movie talk.
Trevor Wallace
You guys were doing the sock on the door.
Mark Normand
No, I know.
Michael Blaustein
Maybe a couple times. Yeah. You're quick.
Mark Normand
The amount of time it would take me to put a sock on, I'd be done.
Guest/Producer
But I'm quick. Wasn't it not a sock. Wasn't it like a necktie? Wasn't it?
Michael Blaustein
I think that was a few.
Mark Normand
That's getting laid.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, that's a boarding school, maybe.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, and it was a fedora. If you were getting pegged,
Mark Normand
I don't
Trevor Wallace
think you'd want it. College feels very. Like you'd want to brag. Like you'd want to.
Mark Normand
Like.
Trevor Wallace
Even if you weren't, you'd put a tie on it.
Mark Normand
That's a good point.
Michael Blaustein
They open the door, you're just crying in there.
Guest/Producer
I'm coming out of my eyes.
Mark Normand
I didn't even own a tie in college. I don't think.
Guest/Producer
I don't think I did either.
Michael Blaustein
I don't know if I own a tie now.
Trevor Wallace
Really.
Mark Normand
I have like.
Michael Blaustein
Well, I have two ties to go to a funeral recently. And I looked at my two ties. I have one with polka dots. I'm like, I can't wear that one now.
Trevor Wallace
It's too cheerful.
Michael Blaustein
You can't wear a polka dot. And the other one's like a skinny tie. I'm like, what? I think I was like in the Reservoir Dogs. What am I doing here?
Mark Normand
Your footloose.
Trevor Wallace
So what'd you end up doing? A couple.
Michael Blaustein
I did. No tie.
Guest/Producer
No tie. You can't go back casual to a funeral.
Michael Blaustein
No tie, Hawaiian shirt.
Mark Normand
And his dad is a deadbeat, so no ties. Appropriate.
Guest/Producer
Was it your dad?
Mark Normand
No, no, no. Whoa.
Trevor Wallace
Whose was it?
Michael Blaustein
Who was a family member? Yeah. I didn't mean to bring the mood down.
Trevor Wallace
If it's family, then they're like, oh, that's Sam. He was doing.
Mark Normand
Oh, this is our prop. He's our prop guy. You can tell by the outfit.
Michael Blaustein
Let's see how we do.
Guest/Producer
Let's see.
Michael Blaustein
I mean, it's pretty basic. I'm not good at this.
Guest/Producer
Why? You're going, no, look, okay, here we go. Now you're looking.
Mark Normand
Oh, you got it.
Guest/Producer
Oh, yeah.
Mark Normand
You nailed it.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, yeah.
Guest/Producer
But you know, there's like that guy's
Trevor Wallace
done a corporate gig once or twice.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah. Or a brisk.
Trevor Wallace
How's that?
Michael Blaustein
Not bad.
Mark Normand
Not bad.
Guest/Producer
I mean, honestly, it's probably.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, I might. I might have gone too long on the tail here.
Mark Normand
Avril Lavigne looks terrible.
Michael Blaustein
Why do we have a tie? I have no idea. You have a tie here.
Guest/Producer
What is this?
Trevor Wallace
This water.
Mark Normand
Got some seltzer for you. Watch out for my egg wrap. I didn't finish it.
Trevor Wallace
Still would be great.
Guest/Producer
Your egg wrap is just there, huh?
Mark Normand
I'm letting it rough. Yeah, I'll finish it when you guys leave between shows.
Trevor Wallace
Are these tits?
Mark Normand
Yes. Nice.
Trevor Wallace
Okay, and what's the story behind these?
Michael Blaustein
Well, apparently Trey park from South Park's wife sent these to us. Yeah, I don't know why. I think we've talked about how much we love South Park A lot.
Mark Normand
And tits.
Michael Blaustein
And tits.
Mark Normand
Yeah. There's another pair right there.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, wow.
Mark Normand
Those are Kristi gnomes. Husbands.
Michael Blaustein
Hey.
Trevor Wallace
So these were just sent as what? Just kind of like thinking about you or like.
Michael Blaustein
Where do you buy these? Can you just buy them anywhere online?
Mark Normand
Yeah, sure. They're great stress relievers. You squeeze them, it does feel like.
Trevor Wallace
Kind of like the adhd, like fidget toy era. Yeah, type thing. Like you could give this to a kid, stim down, he'd be. But these feel much softer than the real.
Michael Blaustein
You felt the fake breast before?
Guest/Producer
I felt the fake breast, but I never felt
Trevor Wallace
nice. That's what I'm saying. It feels fidgety.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Guest/Producer
What we got?
Mark Normand
That's a regular water if you want it.
Trevor Wallace
Okay, now here we go.
Mark Normand
Hey, now you got a dick and a boob.
Trevor Wallace
So what's going on, fellas? How are we doing? You guys are on the road more than anybody I know.
Michael Blaustein
I've been off it for a minute.
Trevor Wallace
Really?
Michael Blaustein
You guys go pretty hard, don't you?
Guest/Producer
Yeah, but I don't. We go pretty hard, but not, not like. Not like you gents in the middle of it. I feel like you don't see New York for like months at a time.
Mark Normand
No, we go on the weekends, we come back in the week.
Guest/Producer
Okay, well, what I'm seeing, I feel like you guys don't see New York for months.
Michael Blaustein
Well, you guys are doing the road out of la, which is so much harder.
Mark Normand
It sucks.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, all the dates. Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
The time change.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
You're going to Columbus, Ohio. You probably got to leave A day early, right?
Guest/Producer
I mean, leave a day early. And then we wake up at 2:00pm and then like, cool. Sound checks in 13 minutes. It's.
Mark Normand
Ooh, yeah, that's.
Michael Blaustein
I don't do sound check.
Mark Normand
I don't either.
Michael Blaustein
I just figure if someone's gonna eat it with the mic, it's gonna be my opener and they'll figure it out by then.
Trevor Wallace
Wait, oh, so. So they just fuck it up when your opener's on?
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, I'm like, it's me and Gary Veder. Like, we both talk like this. I figure it'll be, how. How early do you get to the place?
Trevor Wallace
Well, you haven't done some of the shitholes like Minglewood Hall. And you're just like, the lighting is awful. And you're just like. You're like, thank God I got here to kind of adjust a little bit. Or you're like, what it is.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, but what kind of aesthetic do I have? I don't know what it should look like.
Trevor Wallace
It almost looks better for you if it is bad lighting. You're just saying.
Michael Blaustein
Well, I mean, I have a two guy go in there and do it for me. Don't you have the same thing, right?
Mark Normand
Yeah, I just have a guy. They have comics all the time. I go, do what you did for the last guy. That's it?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, like it was Nate Jackson. You see the whole crowd.
Mark Normand
Like, fuck, no. Yeah, I told. I want it dim, though. Sound normal. Dim light.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, yeah. I don't want to see the crowd's faces.
Mark Normand
No. God.
Trevor Wallace
Right. So that's what I go in to check for.
Mark Normand
Because he's.
Trevor Wallace
He likes to see the crowd.
Mark Normand
I know I like it.
Guest/Producer
I need to see, like, the first five rows I like to do because I.
Mark Normand
It.
Guest/Producer
One, I fuck around with them. And then two, it's. It like, oddly centers me if I can look at their faces as opposed to just staring into middle distance. I don't know what's happening. And then I have so much add that if I'm looking at the darkness, almost all of a sudden my brain goes, man, Ace Ventura was a good movie. And like. But if I'm looking at somebody, it like locks me in.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I hear you. See, do you ever have the thing where you're. You're killing in a dark theater and you're like, man, I'm. I'm killing. And then you look down at one guy and then you look at another guy and you're like, none of them are laughing, but I'm getting booming, pops. But then you're like, I see no one going. You know, they're just going like, you
Michael Blaustein
zone in on the bad one.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
That's why I like it dark. Because the one person folding their arms is all think about the whole thing.
Michael Blaustein
Remember Marin used to have a bit like way back in the day that he was doing this gig and he's killing. And there's this one guy in the front row and like a biker looking guy who just looks furious. And after the show he goes, hey, man, you like the show? And the guy was like, yeah, it was great. And he was like, oh, shit. That means that guy lives in my head. Nah, the guy who hates this shit. The guy. But it's like, yeah, but not everyone has a good time by just going like nuts. I know, I know. People who like don't really laugh, right?
Trevor Wallace
Sure, if it was the opposite. They're like laughing a lot. Like, that fucking sucked. I hated you.
Guest/Producer
I kind of like seeing someone not have having fun. Really? Yeah, because it gives me something to do.
Mark Normand
Oh.
Guest/Producer
Because then I just start yelling jokes.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Guest/Producer
And I'm like, I will break like an assassin.
Trevor Wallace
You go one by one.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
But once I break them, then I let the audience know. This guy fucking doesn't like me. Doesn't laugh. What's going to make you laugh? What do you want to talk about? And he said, you know, I mean it makes. It makes it kind of fun. It gets me out of my stupid.
Michael Blaustein
I guess I don't know what someone's going might be going through. Like he may got diagnosed with like stage four cancer.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Then we got a crowd work.
Michael Blaustein
Stage four cancer. I can use that. Yeah, that's good stuff. Keep going.
Trevor Wallace
How much longer do you have left, Right?
Michael Blaustein
I only got 15 too. All right, we'll time it perfectly.
Mark Normand
It's curtains for you. So wait, you guys are at the improv?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, we did the new Brooklyn Improv last night.
Mark Normand
It's pretty good. I did it last week. Yeah. Brand new. In the middle of nowhere.
Michael Blaustein
Where in Brooklyn is it?
Mark Normand
Williamsburg.
Trevor Wallace
Right next to Huxton Hotel.
Mark Normand
Yeah, it's a cool room.
Trevor Wallace
It's seats 200. Got it upstairs and downstairs.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Sick.
Guest/Producer
It's got a cool little black box too. It was really fun. Like, cocoa is awesome. They treated it well. It was so fun.
Mark Normand
Yeah, the green room's nice. It's world's colliding shower back there. Bathroom, you're in hipster Brooklyn. And then you walk in, there's a picture of Theo Vaughn. And you're like, you guys have no Idea. The demo. Theo Von and Joe Rogan are the first two, like, portraits you see. You know, they do those big ones on the wall, and I'm like, boy, you guys gotta get a Bam. Get a Marie Bamford and a Patton Oswald in here quick. We're in Williamsburg, folks.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, it's fun. You guys should definitely do it. I think they're gonna do, like, weekends
Mark Normand
and stuff there, so. Yeah, like.
Michael Blaustein
Like a headliner weekend.
Trevor Wallace
They're so new that they're kind of just like, we'll take whatever. Whatever fills the room.
Mark Normand
It sounds like a little bit where
Trevor Wallace
they're not too stickler on, like, it has to be a variety or not.
Mark Normand
I love the improv. I do think it's a bold choice to go put that fucker in midtown. But they got the free room. Not free, but they got a nice room out of it.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
I mean, it's on a side street, so it doesn't get a lot of foot traffic, but it is great.
Mark Normand
It's great.
Michael Blaustein
Parallel Williamsburg used to be dangerous. Now it looks like Paris. It's crazy. Colin Quinn used to have that bit about, you take the L train back in the day. You're going to get stabbed. Now it's like a ski lift. You know, you're right. It's just so safe and nice and I don't know.
Mark Normand
Yeah, it just comes out of nowhere, you know, it's like a warehouse. And you're like, improv.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mark Normand
But it's good room. They did a good job with it.
Michael Blaustein
When did you.
Guest/Producer
When did you perform there?
Mark Normand
I had, like, a week and a half ago. Okay. Just a showcase Tuesday night or something.
Guest/Producer
You will do anything.
Mark Normand
That's true.
Guest/Producer
And I respect you. But you will do. And, I mean, I respect that choice. I respect you as a human, obviously, but you just do what? Like, I. It's.
Mark Normand
You should have seen me in college, sexually. It was horrifying.
Michael Blaustein
He had a fedora on his door.
Mark Normand
Her name was big. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
I'll see you on podcast. It'll be like, episode one. It'll be like the graveyard pod. And it's, like, out of, like, Penn State. And I'm like, just some random.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, just him and Sandusky.
Trevor Wallace
It'll be like the first episode they've ever done. It's like a college student, like, first guess Mark Norman. I'm like, how the do they get marked?
Mark Normand
Well, you know, I used to be real lonely on the road back in the day. You know, you'd be like, oh, you're doing a four Night, weekend. Trying to fill time was Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So yeah, you're like, oh, this guy wants to hang out with me in the middle of the day on Sunday. I' what else am I doing?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
So that's why I would do this.
Trevor Wallace
Would you? To cure it now?
Mark Normand
Now just too lazy. I got a kid and. And they don't really move the needle. So you end up like spending 40 bucks on an Uber there. Then the guy's like setting up. You gotta have lunch with them and hang out with them. Then you gotta Uber back. And you're like, that was my whole day. What am I doing?
Trevor Wallace
Like, drug deal.
Guest/Producer
We're just.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Trevor Wallace
Waiting for it to happen, you know?
Guest/Producer
Right.
Trevor Wallace
Just get the thing going already.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Michael Blaustein
And you gotta have that. You gotta have time to ride on the road too. You gotta have.
Mark Normand
Right.
Michael Blaustein
For the show, you know?
Mark Normand
Totally. Yeah, boy. Remember drug deals? Remember waiting for the weed guy?
Trevor Wallace
I sold weed in eighth grade. So I. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Really?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, because I had a ninth grade friend, he was like my plug and he, he like broke me off like an ounce. He's like, this is your ounce to distribute. And I got punked by a guy who punked me, which is pretty funny.
Mark Normand
What do you mean? I give.
Trevor Wallace
In 8th grade, I give a guy 20 bucks to buy me weed.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
And on Sunday I gave it to him. He doesn't return my calls. No nothing. Monday morning we have math class together. Remedial math. We're both dumb. We're like like, you know, we're the eighth graders with sixth graders, so we're both dumb. And I'm like, hey, what happened? I gave you $20 for weed. Where did that go? And he was like, oh man, you know cops. And just, just never had any explanation.
Guest/Producer
You know cops.
Trevor Wallace
You know cops. But I'm such a. I'm not gonna say anything. And then like two months later, I start selling weed. And then he starts buying weed off of me.
Mark Normand
Oh, and then he called.
Trevor Wallace
I was selling out of my parents house and he called me. This is like on the weekend at like 1 in the morning. I meet him outside, I give him the whatever. And then he calls me like 10 minutes later. He's like, hey, this doesn't look like the amount I paid for. I'm bricks.
Guest/Producer
I don't have a scale.
Trevor Wallace
I'm in eighth grade.
Mark Normand
Right.
Trevor Wallace
I don't know what a gram is.
Guest/Producer
You're in remedial math.
Mark Normand
True.
Trevor Wallace
So I'm like, yeah, this looks like a gram. So he calls me, he's like, yeah, this doesn't look like a proper amount. He's outside with three other dudes. I'm like, I here's just a handful. The same guy that stole money from.
Mark Normand
Right?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. I was just so nervous. I was like, I think it might be the worst. I'm too Jewish to be a drug dealer.
Guest/Producer
I think.
Mark Normand
Well, how'd you hide it from the folks? I mean, I think my mom would smell that. She'd go through my room.
Trevor Wallace
I had. I played a lot of paintball growing up and those bags, we had these like giant duffel bags and it just smelled like sweat and like.
Mark Normand
Oh yeah.
Trevor Wallace
And I would just hide it in like under the paintballs, man.
Mark Normand
What are you, California kid? Yeah. Is that San Diego?
Trevor Wallace
Close enough.
Mark Normand
All right.
Trevor Wallace
You're like an hour outside of la. Like. You ever done like Oxnard?
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, over there. Wow. What a lot. Paintball is a kid kid. Oh, I would have loved it.
Trevor Wallace
That was my adrenaline. That was like my dirt.
Michael Blaustein
Now the kids are ducking in schools for different reasons, unfortunately.
Mark Normand
But it's true.
Trevor Wallace
It's a pain ball if anything.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Wow. Paintball as a kid. What a life.
Michael Blaustein
I've done it once and it was fun as hell. They hurt. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Really?
Trevor Wallace
Adrenaline, when you get hit, you're not really feeling it. Then the next day you kind of have like a welter.
Guest/Producer
You get to pick the color that you have.
Trevor Wallace
Kind of.
Mark Normand
Really kind of.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, yeah. White. It's been great, man.
Guest/Producer
It's been a good run.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, you can pick the color paint or whatever. But yeah, it's fun.
Guest/Producer
I never shot a paintball.
Mark Normand
Never, Never done it.
Guest/Producer
Never do it.
Trevor Wallace
If you're ever on the road, one of those bum ass towns, like the most random towns have it and it is.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, but it's not going to move the needle.
Michael Blaustein
No, you can put a QR code on.
Trevor Wallace
But yeah, it's a random activity and it is pretty fun. But that's how I would get my adrenaline out as a kid is playing paintball. I played that for like four or five.
Guest/Producer
I just jerk off my closet to get my.
Trevor Wallace
I would do that too, but yeah, you know, that's a nighttime activity.
Mark Normand
No, not in my life.
Guest/Producer
It was just. It was just whenever I need were gooned up.
Mark Normand
Oh yeah.
Guest/Producer
Day afternoon after eating.
Trevor Wallace
And you notoriously would just come on the ground and not clean it up. I don't know if you really.
Mark Normand
I do that in hotels.
Guest/Producer
Thank you. You're the.
Michael Blaustein
Where you live.
Trevor Wallace
He had his stain in his old apartment. His work desk where laptop. The Ground had a lake Michigan of semen.
Mark Normand
Just harded every word.
Michael Blaustein
Just going to fall through the floor
Mark Normand
catching the net of jizzling.
Trevor Wallace
Come on the floor. Yeah, there we go.
Mark Normand
There we go. Honestly, I might.
Michael Blaustein
Might be
Mark Normand
sperm.
Michael Blaustein
That guy was backed up. That guy. Holy.
Mark Normand
That's a lot. A lot. Damn.
Trevor Wallace
That's like Elmer's. That. That top left one. That's not even. That's a kidney stone.
Mark Normand
This is all evidence.
Michael Blaustein
This is crazy.
Trevor Wallace
Every producer laptop should be tested if
Michael Blaustein
it was on hbo.
Mark Normand
Right. Well, it only took us to get back to jizz.
Trevor Wallace
They had an actual. What is that? An actual sperm cell.
Mark Normand
That one looks fake. That's one of those poppers. I've like, these are. Some of these are fake.
Guest/Producer
But I would like to. I would like to hold on.
Mark Normand
You're the first.
Guest/Producer
I. I know jizz very well.
Trevor Wallace
You.
Guest/Producer
That's blood. Definitely blood. So you.
Michael Blaustein
You do that.
Guest/Producer
You're the first person that have ever jumped on board with me coming on the ground. No. Everyone else is like, dude, what are you coming to Sock? I come on the towel.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
On the ground, right?
Mark Normand
Yeah, sure. It's a carpet.
Guest/Producer
That's what.
Trevor Wallace
Thank you.
Michael Blaustein
I'm not behind that.
Trevor Wallace
It's like a sham.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Trevor Wallace
It just absorbs it.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
It's also. It's also like. It's carpet. It's also not my carpet. So, like it's fine.
Michael Blaustein
Well, it's so easy to just come into a tissue though, isn't it?
Guest/Producer
No.
Mark Normand
That's my logic.
Guest/Producer
I like to be free.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
I like to just be free.
Mark Normand
Yeah. We didn't have paintball. We had to. It's the only thing we could shoot. It was fun to, you know, let it fly.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Like a spider, man.
Michael Blaustein
Just funny to equate freedom is like, I'm gonna come wherever I feel like it, but isn't.
Guest/Producer
But think about those words. Isn't that the most freeing thing? Like this is America.
Michael Blaustein
Definitely don't tell this to a black guy.
Guest/Producer
He did. He couldn't pick his color.
Mark Normand
People.
Michael Blaustein
Damn, dude. No, that's crazy. I. I've never heard of this.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Coming on the floor.
Guest/Producer
Oh, it's just.
Mark Normand
You never heard of this?
Michael Blaustein
Well, I mean, I believe it exists.
Trevor Wallace
Guy who definitely comes on the floor. My thought.
Michael Blaustein
I've come in the hand before when he really sex.
Trevor Wallace
Because I was too scared to finish on her. So respectful. I'd come in the hand and then I would just walk over to the sink.
Michael Blaustein
Gentlemen.
Trevor Wallace
Poor kid with.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Trevor Wallace
It's like porridge. Here you go. It just Felt too disrespectful, so I was like, I don't know. Here. I don't.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
What did you do with it in the sink? It's like Human Eucharist.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
You could just. You could just clean it off. You clean it off clean.
Trevor Wallace
You know, But I. I'm just curious about the post. And I regret when you see nut
Mark Normand
on the floor and then it goes away quick.
Guest/Producer
It goes away.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Especially if the car. Because think about a hotel carpets. Yeah. Look at that.
Mark Normand
That's my jizz.
Guest/Producer
That is.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah. I know that room well. That. That's a. That looks like a kid's room.
Trevor Wallace
Room.
Mark Normand
Like, I definitely know that room.
Guest/Producer
Yeah. Every apartment I've ever had, and I didn't even know, but you're leasing them.
Mark Normand
Oh, an apartment.
Guest/Producer
No, not.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Oh, not.
Guest/Producer
Not now. I've been very, very good.
Michael Blaustein
There is a line.
Mark Normand
You're not getting that sperm deposit back.
Guest/Producer
No, I've been good at my current apartment, but my apartment before this, it. Wood floors. And he was. He was mentioning it. I literally brought this up. I brought this up on the pod.
Mark Normand
Not all. I didn't like Risky Business.
Guest/Producer
I swear, dude, I thought it was normal. I go, yeah, man. I had a weird moment. I was like. It was so backed up on the ground that I took a butter knife and I was starting to clean it. Chiseling away at using 409 wasn't working. And Trev goes, what the fuck are you. You come on the ground. And I was like, yeah, you don't. And it was this massive thing. But, yeah, I remember, dude. I was like. I was like a full adult with a butter knife.
Michael Blaustein
Definitely. Don't make me scrambled eggs after that. Jesus Christ.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
It was not my finest moment.
Mark Normand
Country cock. Jesus Christ.
Michael Blaustein
That is hilarious. We did it for years.
Mark Normand
Hard wood years.
Michael Blaustein
That is the problem with men. Like, when men are alone for too long, we will just do shit.
Trevor Wallace
Get so stuck in your ways. Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Literally on the ground. Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
You need a woman every once in a while to be like, what the fuck are you doing?
Mark Normand
I know that's good for you. Now let me ask you this. Uh. Oh. Buckle up, boys. You ever jizzed outside on grass? Hmm.
Guest/Producer
The only time I jizz on a golf course.
Mark Normand
Whoa. That's the whitest story I've ever heard. Holy shit. How does that work?
Trevor Wallace
Hidden from the whites.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
But you're having sex, right?
Mark Normand
Yes.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, okay.
Mark Normand
DL 4. 4 inches.
Trevor Wallace
I jerked off once in a riverbank,
Mark Normand
but that was bad. Whoa. That's Pretty good.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
It was a.
Trevor Wallace
Me and three of my friends were all just walking a Taco Bell in high school. I'm like, what if we all just jerked off right now and we all went.
Guest/Producer
Whose idea was that?
Trevor Wallace
I don't know. But nobody combated it, so all three of us went, like, separate ways and just. No, this was like pre cell phones having Internet. So we're all just going into imagination.
Mark Normand
Whoa.
Trevor Wallace
Golden hour. Heading to Taco Bell, getting to Chalupa. And we're like, let's just try to all go jerk off.
Mark Normand
Yeah, you heard that?
Trevor Wallace
You're literally guy's brain.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah. You're a kid. You're watching Wild Things. The lesbian scene comes on.
Mark Normand
Sure you know what we're doing?
Trevor Wallace
It's Friday night of Fear Factor. It's like, fear for you. I'm like, let's find out. That's probably the most random jerk.
Michael Blaustein
I used to have a bit about how me and my friends would jerk off together, and I was like, I got a killer new bit. And then I did in the Black Room. And they were like, what the fuck
Mark Normand
is wrong with you? I don't fuck with it.
Michael Blaustein
And I was like, this is. Is not.
Trevor Wallace
Did you do it in. In the urban room?
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
How'd it go?
Guest/Producer
Not well.
Trevor Wallace
Really?
Michael Blaustein
A couple.
Trevor Wallace
Hell no.
Mark Normand
Oh, hell no.
Trevor Wallace
That's how you know it'll crush in a white room if you get a. Oh, hell no. Urban room. What was the premise on it?
Michael Blaustein
It was just how we would just jack off together and we'd pass a bottle of lotion around like it was a whiskey in the war. That was part of it, you know, Great.
Guest/Producer
Like in the same room.
Mark Normand
You didn't do that?
Guest/Producer
I never. I never do that.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, yeah, we just use it, you know, out of respect. It's like you do the urinal guard. We use a pillow to kind of shield the penises.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, you guys were like, next to each other.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
You got you.
Trevor Wallace
Hell, no. No, no.
Guest/Producer
I never.
Mark Normand
I never did that. Yeah, definitely did it.
Trevor Wallace
Separate rooms.
Guest/Producer
But why wouldn't you guys go into different rooms?
Mark Normand
Well, they only had one tv. It's Manhattan, baby. No square footage. Well, we had the Pamela sex tape showed up, so we had to do it. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
You guys, like, sell that around town, like a blockbuster?
Mark Normand
No, we kept it to ourselves. Like. Like Gollum. Really? Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
My friend's older brother had a Playboy, and he let my friend have it. And then he did the same thing. He gave me a pump of lotion ripped out A page. And here you go. That's like, this is the only page I get though the whole magazine. I get one page. It's like, do I gotta get the premium or something?
Guest/Producer
It's like youth ebt just.
Trevor Wallace
But it was so funny. He didn't even look. He's ripped it out. It's like it could have been the ads in the back, right? Going into a Leslie's pool supply. But I was just. Well, one palm in my hand.
Michael Blaustein
You hoped you got a cool bodega guy. When you're like 14, you're like, how do I fucking get. Cause you know, the Internet wasn't what it is now. So you go in, you're like, oh, dude, there's this Indian guy with a lazy eye. He works Tuesday through Thursday. He'll sell you like a club magazine or something. Yeah.
Mark Normand
But his eyes lazy.
Guest/Producer
So on the left side you could grab it. Cause he couldn't fucking see.
Mark Normand
Indian guy. When you're finished, he said, come again. Great. Had to do it.
Trevor Wallace
So that's where you'd get it. It was just like a. Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
And it was same shit. You kind of. You trade. You go, I got this one next.
Guest/Producer
Got this one next.
Trevor Wallace
Pokemon cards.
Michael Blaustein
Yes.
Trevor Wallace
Holographic. Like, didn't used to be. Seam and shining.
Mark Normand
Yeah. When I was a kid, we, you know, pre Internet porn, we'd go to Bourbon street and you could just see tits.
Trevor Wallace
And then. Just keep that in your memory.
Mark Normand
Keep it up here. Spank bank. And it was. It was like, you know, real life. What do you call it? High def. High def tits.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
You know, crystal clear. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
The first pair of tits I ever saw was at a water park in the wild.
Mark Normand
And like, whoa.
Trevor Wallace
There was a. Like a. There's a water bucket type thing that would just pour. And then this lady was standing under there. Didn't know she had a bra on. And I must have been like seven. The water bucket hit. It hit, just out. And she didn't really know. Immediately I was like. I felt like. I was like, you know. You know, Paul Revere was like, who do I tell about this?
Mark Normand
They're out.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Gift from God, it feels like. Thank you for this.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
That's how rare to. This one time I was on the highway, I was a kid, and I was probably like 12 with a bunch of other dudes driving around. And a woman was on the back of a Harley. Oh, grizzled, horrific. I mean, look like Salicies. And she just went. Saw us a car full of boys. And she was like, she had the pancake. Iest. Fucking leathery. Yeah. Just gross. Maybe some nipple hair. But we were like, that's like a
Trevor Wallace
female version of like the trucker.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
By the way, a guy does that. He's in prison.
Mark Normand
But true.
Michael Blaustein
A woman does that.
Mark Normand
You're like, all right, true. We loved her.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
No, it happened. I remember we were in school and there was a hotel across from our school. And there would just be women changing sometimes. And word would get around the class. You whisper to someone, you're like, hey, wow, dude, look. Tits. Tits. And the teacher would, you know, like, you keep whispering. Then finally, you'd always be the one kid to yell out, there's tits. And you're like, all right. So everyone would see it. And the teacher would usually be like, all right. That was cool.
Trevor Wallace
Every once in a while at the Comedy Store, is that hotel across, like the Pendry or something like that? Everybody's hanging on the patio. You'll see people fucking a lot.
Mark Normand
Really? Yeah. Hell yeah.
Trevor Wallace
That's why everybody hangs out on the patio. You think it's for the drinks and the hang.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
When I worked. When I worked in New York. We're in New York. When I worked in New York in meatpacking district, there was a spice market, big hotel next to it, and I work outside. And literally one person would catch someone. The entire balcony would just turn and watch. The whole thing would stop.
Trevor Wallace
Shooting star. You have to look.
Mark Normand
You have to. Damn, that's fun. Oh, it's fun seeing people. It's. It could be homeless. You gotta stop. You gotta watch.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
You ever seen that on the trains? People?
Michael Blaustein
I don't think I've seen. I've seen a lot of jacking.
Mark Normand
A lot of jacking, a lot of making out, a lot of grinding. You get some real grinding out there,
Michael Blaustein
you know, it's almost worse than seeing a guy. Jack on a train. Is someone with, like, smelly food. Like, pungent food is like.
Mark Normand
It's a lot.
Trevor Wallace
Just joking off. It's one shot. You can miss it.
Michael Blaustein
This is. Or the clipping. The toenails is the.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
That's like a thing.
Mark Normand
Is that the hotel?
Guest/Producer
What a great grab. This is literally it.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah. He used to live outside of there at a tent.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
This is from his actual camera.
Guest/Producer
How did you do this?
Michael Blaustein
I know that place. I go in there.
Guest/Producer
Oh,
Michael Blaustein
it's prime gooning spot. Dude.
Guest/Producer
This is bringing back so many.
Trevor Wallace
I mean, if you are homeless, that's where you hang out.
Mark Normand
Totally.
Trevor Wallace
That's where you could pop A dude. What a peek at a tit.
Mark Normand
Oh, that's smart. You cover the face, not the body.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Wow, look at that. Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Dude. And they just so much like. Just like.
Trevor Wallace
And what street is this on? Are you specific?
Mark Normand
It's on the west side.
Michael Blaustein
It's the Standard Hotel. It's actually kind of famous for this.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
People have sex there. They're exhibitionists. And they do do that.
Mark Normand
Ah, yeah.
Guest/Producer
The entire outside.
Trevor Wallace
What the. Imagine being a maid there. Why isn't this door opening? It's unlocked.
Mark Normand
Is there a hat on it?
Trevor Wallace
God damn, that's. That's something. If I found out as a kid, I would like, keep that my memory. And then when I go to New York first time, I'm like, we gotta go to the stand.
Guest/Producer
Oh, yeah. My mom like, you. Let's go to rent. Like, shut the up Meat pack.
Mark Normand
You know, getting aid somewhere else. I don't get why. I think kids. This is just done. Kids don't give a about this. They got only fans. They got, you know, porn up kids
Trevor Wallace
more about probably like the birds and the bees. Like, if you were to give a kid it's birds and the bees. Like, they probably know more than a parent would.
Mark Normand
Totally, totally. They know, like, you know, anal stuff and rim job. I don't think our parents are eating that.
Michael Blaustein
Kids. Kids are hooking up in high school now. Like, stick a finger in my ass.
Mark Normand
You know, Exactly.
Michael Blaustein
It's probably so advanced.
Guest/Producer
What do you think the bases are now?
Trevor Wallace
Oh, what's first base?
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, what's.
Guest/Producer
Dude, what is.
Mark Normand
First is choking Now. I'm serious. I think
Guest/Producer
I haven't kissed anyone yet, but I choked the out of a lady.
Mark Normand
Hold on. What. Wait, what are the old bases? Just so I remember.
Guest/Producer
Okay, let's see. First is kiss.
Michael Blaustein
Second is feeling tits.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Guest/Producer
Okay, third is finger.
Trevor Wallace
What about shortstop? What are we doing there?
Mark Normand
Oh, that's fedora.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, that's a queef. And third base is oral. I think. Yeah.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Guest/Producer
Oh, yeah, you're right.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Trevor Wallace
We've never had anybody say they had a home run.
Michael Blaustein
They're always like, I think fingering is basically third base. You're like. Like, it's. You're on, you're on.
Trevor Wallace
Maybe that's shortstop. You're in between second and third.
Guest/Producer
Oh, right. Because it's. It's feeling finger, then fellatio. Okay, so yeah, sword stop. Is would be fingering. So where are we at now?
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, I mean, starting and choking.
Mark Normand
Choking. Second.
Trevor Wallace
Pegging.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Third is cuck yourself.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, it's like Furby, like, suck your own furry something.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Third base is just like. Here's Carl. This is my buddy. Let him do the work.
Mark Normand
Work. Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Your parents walk in. That's getting picked off, by the way. Speaking of onlyfans, didn't you just do a skit with Sophie Rain?
Guest/Producer
No, no, absolutely not.
Mark Normand
Anyways, you were jerking your mind blurry.
Trevor Wallace
I don't think I was hilarious if it's. The one you're talking about was yesterday. It was a girl.
Guest/Producer
Cece.
Mark Normand
Oh.
Trevor Wallace
But I think they all kind of, you know, cross paths in some sense.
Mark Normand
You know what's beautiful about pre Internet, guys is you're on the west coast. You're on the east coast. I'm down south. South. What are you, New York?
Guest/Producer
No, I was Maryland, so East Coast.
Mark Normand
Okay. And we all knew the bases. It just traveled pretty global. How cool is that? You know, it's like we all knew about Richard Gere with the gerbil in the ass. Yeah, there's no. No, no one calls you.
Michael Blaustein
What are they doing? Like Europe or like. Because you're not. You don't do baseball in Europe. Right. What are their basis?
Guest/Producer
Soccer.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, like, yeah, you score, you know, midfield.
Guest/Producer
Right.
Michael Blaustein
What is that?
Guest/Producer
Holy. Dude. That's a great.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Guest/Producer
One. What is it?
Mark Normand
Cricket. What is it?
Michael Blaustein
Cricket is Aussie, isn't it? I guess it's in Europe too.
Mark Normand
You can't go by soccer. You never get laid. They don't score.
Trevor Wallace
That's a great joke.
Mark Normand
There we go.
Michael Blaustein
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Trevor Wallace
the guys on one wheel scooters. You go see those guys around town?
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah.
Trevor Wallace
I'm like a one wheeler guy and I think I'm so cool. And then I invite her in my room and I'm taking so long taking off all my like helmets and shin pads right. That she's just like laying there and like, you know, just like a low cut shirt. And then she's like okay, I think I'm just gonna leave.
Mark Normand
Pull it up.
Trevor Wallace
Cuts to Ivan posted cuts to me just banging a one wheel. So I just, I, I I, I think those One Wheel guys really need more hate. And yeah, what does the One Wheel look like? They're like type in EU electronic.
Mark Normand
They, they roll on their own.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, they're really big in the LA culture.
Michael Blaustein
Salacuse isn't doing his job anymore because he's seen her tits.
Mark Normand
Oh, you're another one with this is
Trevor Wallace
the one I posted.
Mark Normand
Jesus.
Trevor Wallace
It's highbrow comedy.
Michael Blaustein
Trevor's like we're working on a movie together too right now. Just damn.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, just type in E, E, U
Michael Blaustein
C, euc One Wheel.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, sounds like a festival.
Trevor Wallace
But you ever seen these guys around town?
Mark Normand
No, Definitely.
Trevor Wallace
I feel like New York definitely has a lot of these guys.
Mark Normand
They're always decked out with crazy sunglasses, a lot of leather.
Trevor Wallace
But like there's so much that you have to wear that just living the rest of your life after you get off. It's going to be so annoying.
Mark Normand
Right?
Guest/Producer
Because they fall a lot.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. Cuz there's no, there's no like seat belt. Like if you get hit you're flying
Mark Normand
and you got to carry that around all night too. Heaviest at the bar.
Guest/Producer
Get a bike.
Michael Blaustein
What's, what is the purpose? I don't understand.
Mark Normand
It's a, it's a transportation.
Michael Blaustein
But is it like good? Is it like kind of a workout cuz you got a balance or what?
Trevor Wallace
They're fast as, yeah, they're fast and they, they, the, the community about them. They're, they're bobbing and weaving, they're doing everything. But I just think they need more
Mark Normand
hate and they love the attention.
Trevor Wallace
They feel really love the 360 cameras but they look like they're going Just full axioms. I mean, he's got a motorcycle, like, vest, shin guards and everything. And so I had to learn how to ride one of those for a sketch and then.
Mark Normand
Really? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. I'm still. I still can't even do the hoverboard. Did you.
Michael Blaustein
Did any part of you like it?
Trevor Wallace
That's the worst part. You're like, this is kind of sick.
Guest/Producer
I get it.
Trevor Wallace
And then you're googling where to get one and how to buy it used.
Michael Blaustein
But yeah, the thought, you become the thing you hate.
Trevor Wallace
That's how it's fun at times. I mean, I used to hate on ice bath guys so fucking much. I'm like, you guys are such losers.
Mark Normand
Cold plunge.
Trevor Wallace
But then I tried it. I'm like, I feel incredible. I feel like a dog after a bath. I watch one of sprint laps.
Michael Blaustein
Well, the problem is so many comedians have horrible add and we like to on lame fads. But, like, this helps. Like, I'll be locked in for, like, two hours after I feel.
Mark Normand
Really? Have you ever done it? I can't. I'm weak. I'm weak with the cold.
Guest/Producer
You got to do it. It's like, oh, my. You feel.
Mark Normand
Feel.
Guest/Producer
You've never felt this feeling before.
Mark Normand
Really?
Guest/Producer
It's like coming out of the closet. It feels.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
All right.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. It's a quick boost of, like, endorphins, which it just feels.
Mark Normand
I just put a toe in and I'm like, ah. Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
You just get through like two minutes of. Of suck for two hours of like, oh, flying. I feel great.
Trevor Wallace
It's great when you're on the road and you have a bunch of like, kind of haze from traveling and.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Trevor Wallace
I found a place in Denver, and then I did it once, and then we were doing a weekend there, so I just went every single day pre shows.
Mark Normand
Wow.
Trevor Wallace
You just feel great.
Guest/Producer
Great.
Mark Normand
All right.
Trevor Wallace
And a lot of those places are. They have a whole bunch of. So, like, loungy. Then there's like the saunas, the steam rooms.
Mark Normand
I love that.
Trevor Wallace
That type of.
Guest/Producer
Do you go sauna to cold or just.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, I like both.
Guest/Producer
I mean, like, dude, I think that would be a good, like, first step into go sauna. Go like 20 minutes.
Mark Normand
Get, like, love sauna.
Guest/Producer
Oh, but super duper hot. And then go into the cold. So, like, it doesn't. It doesn't hurt as bad.
Mark Normand
Whatever.
Trevor Wallace
And the opposite sauna takes too long. I'm sitting there in pain for 30 minutes. The ice bath, you're there hating yourself for two minutes. But then you feel great after. I'm just all about like whatever's on. Going quickest and fastest.
Mark Normand
Do you put the head in?
Trevor Wallace
I do, I do heads on.
Mark Normand
Whoa. Yeah. That feels dangerous.
Guest/Producer
Do at the end go four minutes. And then the last like 30 seconds. I just dunk it.
Mark Normand
Four minutes is an eternity in that thing.
Guest/Producer
But it like dude, like you have
Michael Blaustein
to do four minutes. You a minute the first time.
Mark Normand
All right, all right, all right. I'll do a minute.
Michael Blaustein
Do 30 seconds.
Guest/Producer
Just like sex. You start 30 seconds and you get
Michael Blaustein
to two minutes, you know, and then you go to children. It's fine. It's hold on, guy who takes over the coming. No. And then you. Dude. Well, anything else you've trashed that. Then you were like this is kind of cool.
Trevor Wallace
Cyber truck. I made a video about how annoying those guys are. Cuz it's all like tech bros who want to be like alpha guys. It's very like vest and all that. And I just, I. I think they look awful. They look like a doorstopper. And then I was driving one for the video and once you're in the car you're like, oh, it's kind of sick.
Mark Normand
Oh really?
Trevor Wallace
The inside feels cool. It feels like you know, an open truck. Like it feels like a. Like a modern day truck is pretty.
Mark Normand
Can you pull up the interior? I've never seen it.
Guest/Producer
Just going to say I've never seen the inside.
Michael Blaustein
It is bo. Bulletproof too, right?
Trevor Wallace
The doors are heavy as I think.
Michael Blaustein
I think there was that one flip up. But then. Yeah, but there's that guy. Have you seen that guy on social whatever on all the social medias who he'll shoot bullets through everything. Different gauge bullets. You've never seen this guy. He's like we're gonna start with like, you know, whatever he works up to like a, to like a.45. Then he. Then he does like a slug.
Mark Normand
Is it Alec Baldwin?
Michael Blaustein
No, he just did it once. But yeah. No. And he couldn't penetrate it. So.
Trevor Wallace
Really?
Mark Normand
Damn. Look at that. It's pretty sleek in there.
Trevor Wallace
It's kind of, kind of cool. But it. But you feel like big on the road so I get that allure to it. I saw a tweet that was so funny. That was like. You've never seen a family in a cyber truck.
Mark Normand
Damn.
Michael Blaustein
That's weird cuz. Elon Musk hasn't seen his family either.
Mark Normand
Yes, good point. He's got 19 kids. Wow. All right.
Michael Blaustein
Does he have I think 13, I think. Let's look it up.
Trevor Wallace
He's running out of names.
Mark Normand
Well, yeah, not really.
Guest/Producer
He just goes 1 to 13.
Trevor Wallace
Qrx code.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
You haven't seen this guy, dude. Oh, this isn't the guy though.
Mark Normand
14 children. 14. Wow.
Trevor Wallace
And how many different baby mamas? Four.
Michael Blaustein
That's actually not that bad.
Trevor Wallace
What's that average? Three. Three point.
Mark Normand
I don't know how to do that.
Trevor Wallace
3.25 per.
Michael Blaustein
So I mean Thanksgiving is going to be weird, but.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Michael Blaustein
But Nick Cannon's. I feel like it's a lot of different baby mamas.
Mark Normand
He's got 12, I think. Jesus Christ.
Trevor Wallace
12 baby mamas are kids, kids, kids.
Guest/Producer
I mean that's a whole basket. Like that's a basketball team.
Michael Blaustein
Like that's a roster.
Guest/Producer
That is a really.
Michael Blaustein
With a deep bench. That's crazy.
Guest/Producer
That's OKC for sure.
Trevor Wallace
Good for him.
Mark Normand
So the cyber truck, it feel. It's fast as hell too.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, it's.
Trevor Wallace
Dude, it's like 0 to 63 seconds or something stupid. I mean all those cars. I had a Tesla beforehand. It's ridiculous. It's stupid.
Mark Normand
Yeah, there's no. It's just all pickup.
Trevor Wallace
There's like no iPad on wheels. And it's just, it's. It just feels dangerous driving them fast because they don't feel like a car that has like the. The grounding and the terrain. You're just floating.
Michael Blaustein
Are they considered safe cars or. No?
Mark Normand
I don't know. Tesla is for sure. Yeah, Tesla definitely.
Michael Blaustein
Every car. Volvo used to be their whole thing like we're safe and now it's like every car is pretty safe.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. But it's weird cuz Tesla features so much on the like the features. It's like. Yeah, you can put a fireplace on your dashboard. I don't trust the safety. If you're like putting a fireplace.
Mark Normand
Yeah. They have fart noises on that thing. It's weird. But I have a 52 year old car. Are you leaving?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
All right, take it easy.
Michael Blaustein
About to go.
Trevor Wallace
Goon.
Mark Normand
Yeah, he's going to that hotel. I have an old BMW and the I drive this thing on the highway and it really shakes and jitters. There's no airbags, barely a seat belt belts. You can't believe like old ladies were driving these.
Guest/Producer
God damn power steering.
Mark Normand
No. God no. No power steering.
Guest/Producer
Was it to.
Mark Normand
When you're moving it's fine. But when you're like parallel parking and doing that, it's embarrassing. But just the fact that that was a normal car in 1973 is wild.
Guest/Producer
Do you have any updates? I know you can take an old car and then put some, like, modifications on it to make it more modern. Do you have any of that?
Mark Normand
No, nothing. I should do this, that. But I like the original.
Michael Blaustein
Get airbags in there or something.
Mark Normand
I don't know if it could do it. I don't know.
Trevor Wallace
Airbags in it?
Michael Blaustein
No. Golly.
Guest/Producer
Did I miss, Did I miss. Do you have ac? Did I miss this?
Mark Normand
No ac.
Michael Blaustein
Oh.
Mark Normand
What? Does it have an engine? Got an engine, a steering wheel.
Michael Blaustein
Damn, dude.
Guest/Producer
I mean, they look. The car looks super sick, but driving it, I mean, it's wild. It's a nightmare.
Trevor Wallace
And do you like drivers? Like, like a Connecticut gig or something?
Mark Normand
Yeah, Long Island, Connecticut, upstate.
Michael Blaustein
But you took it to, to Jersey recently?
Mark Normand
Jersey. Many times. But this is my, my ice bath. You're in that thing. You're alive. You're, like, looking out everywhere. You're not texting, you're. You're, you feel the transmission and everything.
Michael Blaustein
Airbag. You're gonna be cold soon.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I'll be on ice.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
But, yeah, it's, Boy, it's crazy. It's crazy driving that thing. You are, you are operating that machinery.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, dude, I love the look of old cars. But the problem is just like, you get into it and you're like, cool. There's no ac. I can't, like, it's just, I, I.
Trevor Wallace
Backup camera. Yeah, yeah, like the cassette player for music or something.
Mark Normand
I gotta, I think I got a cassette player.
Michael Blaustein
Did you buy tapes for that?
Mark Normand
No.
Michael Blaustein
That's kind of a cool idea. I used to buy old tapes, like, get like Robert Klein, child of the 50s. Like, this is kind of cool.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I don't know, but, yeah, why not? I bet they buy them somewhere.
Mark Normand
Good idea. It's got a little radio, so I play some AM, but I usually just go AirPods.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, yeah.
Guest/Producer
You're making it more dangerous.
Mark Normand
Yeah, exactly.
Guest/Producer
And you got no noises.
Mark Normand
I've run it over a few kids.
Trevor Wallace
And then other than that, you're just taking training or you're biking around or.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I'm a big city bike guy. City bike's the best way to get around this town.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, you just rent them?
Mark Normand
Yeah, you just park it at the, at the club. Walk right in. It's great.
Trevor Wallace
You just didn't track people like Mark Norman.
Mark Normand
Sometimes. Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, it's got to be super on a city bike.
Mark Normand
Yeah, they swerve into me.
Michael Blaustein
I hate to be that guy, but you got to wear a helmet on those things. And people are psychos.
Mark Normand
Gotta get a helmet, you know?
Michael Blaustein
But you don't do it.
Guest/Producer
And it.
Mark Normand
I had a doing.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, okay.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
So you got to bring your own helmet. Byo.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah. Then you're that guy. You walk into a club, you're like,
Trevor Wallace
look at the dude.
Guest/Producer
The guy walking into a place with a motorcycle helmet.
Trevor Wallace
Makes me one.
Guest/Producer
I know.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Trevor Wallace
But that's why it's so ridiculous because they also have full padding up their arms and legs. Sometimes like chest plate. And then the helmet, like imagine doing spots in that thing. You just got to go on stage, dress like an ice agent. People.
Michael Blaustein
People die all the time.
Mark Normand
That's true.
Michael Blaustein
I mean head injuries, man.
Mark Normand
Man, I got doored once the guy opened the door. That's what I mean.
Michael Blaustein
You.
Trevor Wallace
That's why I fault for that. Him, obviously.
Mark Normand
No, it was me. I was really. I was just on the road. I wasn't your AirPods in.
Michael Blaustein
You're on a.
Trevor Wallace
That doesn't. Oh, because I guess technically you're hitting him.
Mark Normand
Yeah, well, he was opening a door to get out and I was in the wrong spot on the street.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, he like wasn't in a bike lane. He was just in the street.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Be in a bike lane, dude.
Guest/Producer
I love a good. I love a good bike ride. I don't do it every but when I used to live in Harlem, I would. My buddy, my roommate had a bike. I would steal it. I would be out for two hours. So fun. Just the wind in your hand.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Oh my God.
Trevor Wallace
Also, one ways don't matter. Correct. Any street is a two way street.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Trevor Wallace
Do you ever see that guy online? I think he's in.
Michael Blaustein
This episode is brought to you by State Farm.
Trevor Wallace
You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19,000 local agents, they help
Mark Normand
you find the coverage that fits your
Trevor Wallace
needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go
Mark Normand
online@state farm.com like a good neighbor.
Trevor Wallace
State Farm is there. New York guy. He like streams all his bike rides in the bike lane.
Mark Normand
He's always yelling at people, oh no,
Trevor Wallace
get out of the bike lane. Great places step. He's such a cuck. And I hope he gets hit by a car. Lives and lives, but what a God. He pisses me off so much and I hate that.
Mark Normand
On your right.
Michael Blaustein
On your right.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. And then like if somebody's going down the bike land but like the wrong way starts yelling at him.
Mark Normand
Oh, I'm sure this Guy's yelled at me before.
Michael Blaustein
So funny that, like, it's. That's how he gets a clip. He's like, look at this piece of. He's like, clip it.
Guest/Producer
Yeah. We brought up on our pod. That was like. Because he probably did it not wanting, content. He did it one time. He got. It went crazy viral. And he was like, okay, I guess
Michael Blaustein
this is what I do.
Guest/Producer
And then he just, he goes out, you know, like, we tape our sets. This motherfucker just goes out at 8,
Mark Normand
9 in the morning, being like, all
Guest/Producer
right, time to yell fucking comments at Jews. And then he just like, but what if.
Mark Normand
See, that's when you become what you hate. Because now you have to wait for the guy to fuck up so you can get a clip.
Guest/Producer
Yes.
Mark Normand
That's no good.
Trevor Wallace
He's just like fishing. Essentially.
Mark Normand
He's fishing.
Michael Blaustein
That's what everyone does. They do one fucked up. Because this thing rewards confrontation and conflict. You do one fucked up thing, it goes viral. And then you're like, I'll be that guy.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah. You know, all of a sudden you're sitting in your car eating a sandwich at four in the morning because it went viral once. Now you're that guy. Now you're the car.
Michael Blaustein
So enough about Gary Veder eating a turkey. Ruben, he's like, this has got to
Mark Normand
work for me, man.
Guest/Producer
What is he doing?
Michael Blaustein
He's great. He's great. I fuck with him all the time. Oh, he's the best.
Mark Normand
Got a new kid. He's got three kids now.
Michael Blaustein
Three.
Guest/Producer
He's halfway to canon. You guys can do.
Mark Normand
He's more of an 8 millimeter. I don't know about a cannon.
Michael Blaustein
I saw a clip of Trevor doing a gig and you had a teacher in the crowd. Yeah, that was crazy. It was a high school teacher.
Trevor Wallace
Seventh grade. Seventh grade teacher. Yeah. I got a DM the night before that was like, you probably won't see this. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm, you know, your seventh grade teacher. I'm going to be at my show. Be at your show with. With my son. And that was all I said. I said, awesome, see you there. Like, I didn't put on the guest list or anything. And just in a transition of jokes, I was just like, I got a dm. Like, is she actually here?
Mark Normand
Wow.
Trevor Wallace
In the way back and. And the funny part is in the clip, she was so nice and so loving to me and was like, really genuine about being proud. But I was like texting my friends. I was like, she was Kind of a. She was like, really mean to me.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
In seventh grade.
Michael Blaustein
Maybe that was her plan all along, dude. Those, like, fucking right like that.
Trevor Wallace
You know how rappers had those stories being like, my teachers never said I'd be shit and maybe this was my version of it. But yeah, she was hard on me.
Guest/Producer
Thought that, though.
Trevor Wallace
What's up?
Mark Normand
I said, I mean, probably.
Trevor Wallace
But yeah, this was. This was a fun moment.
Mark Normand
Oh, wow. Look at how many comments and likes this blew up.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, yeah, this. This was cool, man. This was. Hopefully the other ones do it.
Mark Normand
I remember she was kind of attractive, so I can't remember what she can't imagine seventh grade, she must have been even hotter.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, she definitely was. But she. She was a little feisty. But yeah, half the comments, there's dudes like going into her be like, if she looks like that now, what she look like back in the day?
Mark Normand
Oh, that's exactly what I just said.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
This is crazy.
Mark Normand
Wait, what venue is this?
Trevor Wallace
This is Grand Prairie out by Dallas.
Mark Normand
Is that a casino?
Trevor Wallace
No, it's like a mega church or some.
Mark Normand
It looks like a mega church.
Michael Blaustein
What it is.
Trevor Wallace
But they had a big church there. It's like the church. We couldn't load in until later in the day because the church had it reserved. And when we were loading in, all the church guys like, hey, love your stuff. I'm like, I don't think. But yeah, that was. That was a fun moment. And I totally.
Michael Blaustein
It was.
Trevor Wallace
It worked out really well. And she was just really. She was genuinely very nice and like.
Michael Blaustein
But she was mean to you when you were a kid?
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, she was really mean to me.
Michael Blaustein
What kind of.
Trevor Wallace
Just because I wasn't the smartest kid, obviously. Selling weed and just like, kind of. I would just talk and she would just feel like she would single me out. It'd be like somebody else was talking. She'd be like, trevor, stop with that. And I literally did see her buying a handle of booze one day after class. We talk about in this clip and she like, hit it it. But it's so weird when you see teachers outside of their element just living normal lives. Like, she has every right to buy a handle of absolute true. But you see it and you're like, oh, right, Degenerate.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
She could have been going to a party, but a handle does
Trevor Wallace
school, like 3pm wow. This was because there was a CVS we'd go to right after class and she. We saw her literally right after school. So I mean, who knows? I mean, as an adult, she's probably going to some dude.
Guest/Producer
If I was teaching of special needs kids, I.
Trevor Wallace
Excuse me, dude.
Guest/Producer
I would be drinking my face off.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Now with the shootings, he needs to take off, you know? But wait a minute.
Trevor Wallace
I'll be drinking milk for stronger bones.
Guest/Producer
Superman Bones. Charlie Kirk. Sorry.
Mark Normand
Thank God you. You saw her get that vodka. Because otherwise, what would the clip be? You know, be like, good to see you. I know.
Trevor Wallace
Hey, what a random. And I wonder if there's like those, you know, Michael and I always talk about. We're like, there's no way this life is just real like that. You know, it's like. Do you think that memory that I vividly remember from seventh grade was to be like, in the future, you're gonna need that.
Mark Normand
You know what I mean? Yeah. Interesting.
Trevor Wallace
Like there's a reason I remember that, but I don't remember my mom's maiden name. I don't know.
Mark Normand
I do know my mom keeps hers. She won't use my dad's.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, feminist.
Mark Normand
Big feminine.
Michael Blaustein
Old school.
Mark Normand
Old school feminists aren't abbreviation. No, no.
Trevor Wallace
I always thought was so cool in middle school. Then you realize you're like, this is a pussy dad. You'd see a football player with two on the back that looks so sick. Then you're like, these are two parents who won't merge.
Mark Normand
Right.
Michael Blaustein
They're at a standstill. Did May take your name?
Mark Normand
No.
Michael Blaustein
How did.
Mark Normand
She said it was because of the. The paperwork is annoying. Yeah.
Guest/Producer
My wife sounds like an excuse.
Trevor Wallace
What's her last name?
Mark Normand
Plannered.
Trevor Wallace
Like planet with an R. You gotta go. Norman.
Mark Normand
You think? I think Norman.
Guest/Producer
Great last name. Really?
Michael Blaustein
I like it.
Mark Normand
It's great.
Trevor Wallace
It's well rounded. It's quick and simple.
Mark Normand
Okay.
Michael Blaustein
You guys aren't. Neither of you are married? No. No.
Guest/Producer
My last name sucks, so.
Mark Normand
That's a tough name.
Michael Blaustein
You know, I had a speech therapist when I was like, a really little kid named Dr. Blaustein. And it's like the most cruel name for a kid with a lisp.
Guest/Producer
Oh, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I can't fucking say this name.
Trevor Wallace
You had a lisp growing up.
Mark Normand
A what?
Trevor Wallace
You had a lisp growing up?
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, I mean, it was. But it was like. Was like, is that crazy? You can. Five or six.
Mark Normand
I didn't know you had a list.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, like a child. Yeah, like five or six years old.
Trevor Wallace
A lot of kids at that. Then you just outlist them. Yeah. You're just like, doing. I don't know how. How do you get over it?
Guest/Producer
You just say red leather a lot.
Michael Blaustein
They'd be like, if you. If you say this word right, you get a pack of baseball cards.
Mark Normand
I'm like, I'm working so hard on this.
Michael Blaustein
I want a Ken Griffey rookie.
Trevor Wallace
Really? They would just do that?
Michael Blaustein
Oh, totally.
Trevor Wallace
Say the word crisp. Yeah. That was like the one thing that you could just overcome. There wasn't much else you could overcome.
Mark Normand
A stutter you can get rid of.
Trevor Wallace
Really?
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah. Well, Drew lynch is faking it.
Trevor Wallace
You could probably lean into it. Definitely.
Mark Normand
Yeah, for sure.
Guest/Producer
How long did it take you to get over it? Do you remember?
Michael Blaustein
I was so young. I don't.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I don't know.
Trevor Wallace
How many packs of cards did it take you to get over it? That's the time frame.
Michael Blaustein
Probably a lot of packs.
Guest/Producer
Can you get rid of a Sutter?
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Oh, there's no universal instant. Well, instant, yeah, for sure.
Trevor Wallace
It's pretty cool. You just get rid of it.
Mark Normand
They say a lot of it is Tron drama.
Trevor Wallace
Really?
Mark Normand
Yeah. Like, you know, your priest jerks off, you start being like, more gooning a lot of shit. I was a bedwar that was all drama, apparently. Oh, wow. I went late 13, 14. When I went to college, I would black out from drinking and I'd wet the bed again. So like, kickback in.
Trevor Wallace
Damn.
Michael Blaustein
You ever do it in a one night stand?
Mark Normand
Many times.
Michael Blaustein
Really? Blame it on her.
Mark Normand
God.
Michael Blaustein
You push her in it. You're like, oh, my God, you're disgusting.
Guest/Producer
Oh, I made you that wet.
Trevor Wallace
Had that happen to me in college and she blamed it on me. And I was like, I'm wearing boxers and they're perfectly dry.
Mark Normand
Dang.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. She woke up, was like, it wasn't me.
Mark Normand
Who else? That's rare in women.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
If you wake up. If you wake up, it wasn't me. It was for sure you.
Mark Normand
It was you.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
My boxes were perfectly dry.
Mark Normand
So what happened?
Trevor Wallace
Just in college, I still was just happy that I even hit. So, you know, I'm like, I just threw away the, like the target matches topper. And then I was like, all right.
Mark Normand
Yeah. I would have to send flowers. And after. It was very embarrassing.
Trevor Wallace
Really? That often?
Mark Normand
Yeah, it was a thing.
Trevor Wallace
Damn.
Mark Normand
And my friends knew it. So they'd like, should have just made up a lie.
Trevor Wallace
It means like I. It means I like you.
Mark Normand
Yeah, it's good luck.
Trevor Wallace
You know, you pet a dog too hard, starts to pee or like we had a friend growing up.
Michael Blaustein
That's some in Mice and Men right there.
Mark Normand
Really?
Michael Blaustein
I don't know. I've never fed a dog that hard.
Trevor Wallace
We had a friend, and growing up, he brought his dog to show and tell, and he told the whole class. He's like, please don't pet him too much. Like, he'll pee. So then, like, so many middle schoolers ran up and just started the weird kids.
Mark Normand
Like, it goes out of here. I'm giving a dog a boner. Never pee.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I pet a dog so much that he came, but never. I'm like, good boy.
Mark Normand
That's a good boy.
Michael Blaustein
What? So you guys, do you think you're gonna get married at some point or not?
Trevor Wallace
Hopefully.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, that's a goal.
Mark Normand
Well, you guys are younger, huh?
Trevor Wallace
33.
Mark Normand
Oh, 33. Yeah. You got plenty of time.
Trevor Wallace
What about you?
Michael Blaustein
I'm 39.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Marriage in sight.
Michael Blaustein
Marriage and not in sight. But I'd like to at some point, I think. I think. I think you gotta just, you know, be a.
Guest/Producer
You gotta do it. You gotta do it.
Mark Normand
Do you have to do it as a married man?
Guest/Producer
Weird man.
Mark Normand
I guess. I guess. I don't know.
Trevor Wallace
I just want to be, like, 60, still on stage. Big dating's tough.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
How many of these hours, if anything, for the act?
Trevor Wallace
I know. That's why you have a kid for the act, huh?
Mark Normand
Pretty much, yeah. It helps you get 20 minutes out of the gate with a kid. Yeah. Damn. Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Got to, man.
Michael Blaustein
How old are you?
Guest/Producer
40.
Michael Blaustein
Okay.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, but I feel like you just. You just get to a point where, like, I mean, I just want to reset what I just said, but, like, I think you start getting weird. Like, you're, like, you start feeling.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, you know, we heard the jerk off on the floor story. No, I think you're right, though. I think you gotta. At some point, you gotta reel it in. At some point. You also just.
Guest/Producer
I. I mean, I have this current feeling, like, what the am I doing all this for?
Michael Blaustein
What am I. What am I?
Guest/Producer
What am I on the road to 50?
Mark Normand
Well, you love it, too.
Guest/Producer
I do love it. But, like, you. You build and you're like, what am I building for? Like, I don't know.
Mark Normand
You got a great life. Yeah. You're a lucky guy. You know what? We're killing it. I'm just saying. Live, damn it. Live now, while you can.
Trevor Wallace
Do you think New York embraces the kind of, like, single.
Mark Normand
Definitely. Definitely.
Trevor Wallace
All the way up.
Mark Normand
It's just David Tell is the, you know, poster boy.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
So. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
But I feel like it's almost like it's not glorified, but it's a sense of, like, that it's just so normal and regular or something where it's like Every comic over 40 in LA is married.
Michael Blaustein
I feel like.
Mark Normand
Oh yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Older New Yorker. They're like, you know, there's like also Jim Gaffigans and stuff here. There's other.
Trevor Wallace
There's. I'm painting with a broad brush here. But it does feel like there's a lot of guys who are just like.
Mark Normand
Well, New York is very like individual. Get out of my way. You know, I'm doing my thing. And LA is a little more.
Michael Blaustein
Well, you can have a house in LA more easily than in New York. New York's a lot of apartments. But I mean, yeah, if you're 40
Guest/Producer
alone in a house in LA, you're two years away from killing yourself. So you need someone.
Mark Normand
You hear that Marin?
Michael Blaustein
I was thinking Bill Maher, if you beat me too.
Mark Normand
But.
Michael Blaustein
But Damn, dude. Yeah, LA is more conducive for that. But also New York, it's so easy to be selfish because like you know, you don't have to worry about. I guess you can Uber in LA now too. I'm thinking in old fashioned terms but like you just get hammered in a bar, just stumble home. It's so easy to.
Trevor Wallace
It feels like you're always in the playground a little bit. When you make it, you just move. What to like the 80th street which is still kind of.
Mark Normand
Exactly.
Trevor Wallace
Chile Reno's but it's still kind of like in that realm of like smaller living or like not so much house.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Also New York is trying to get you. It's like constantly spitting you out. Like you can't get a car in a garage here. You can't get a driveway here. So like all that shit is hard. Like I have a kid and I have a car in a garage and I think like go get it.
Michael Blaustein
So fucking expensive.
Mark Normand
So it's so expensive to house it there. It's just. It's trying to get you to not have any people here. You know what I mean?
Trevor Wallace
So where do you park your car? Just like a rant.
Mark Normand
I park it under a Target and Brooklyn.
Trevor Wallace
Really?
Mark Normand
And like a parking garage.
Trevor Wallace
But do you don't live in Brooklyn.
Mark Normand
I do. Oh, I do.
Trevor Wallace
So it's relatively close.
Mark Normand
It's relatively close. But it's weird cuz I'm like going to Target to get my car, you know.
Guest/Producer
Think about just living outside of New York.
Mark Normand
Yeah. All right. A lot of people do that eventually. But I don't know, it's kind of. Kind of giving up.
Trevor Wallace
Go out there, then move back yeah,
Michael Blaustein
but it wasn't his choice. He's out there.
Trevor Wallace
Maybe we won't go there.
Michael Blaustein
I know. I think he didn't admit it.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Now I'm curious.
Mark Normand
Of course.
Michael Blaustein
I don't think. I don't think it's a secret. No, no, no. He's out there with the family. I think that she wanted to go out there, and he was like. He didn't. He didn't fight hard enough. I don't know.
Mark Normand
And my thing is, if you're gonna live outside of New York, just go to Florida or something. By that point, you know, it's either New York or nothing to me.
Guest/Producer
You can live, like, a little bit outside. You have a car, you have a driveway you can drive in. Takes 35 minutes, whatever it is.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
People say that and you just never see them again.
Trevor Wallace
We did this pod when you. He was in Staten Island.
Mark Normand
He's like, it's not bad.
Trevor Wallace
I just rack up spots in a night.
Michael Blaustein
And then it was bad for us who had to visit him in Staten Island.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
What it take you 20 minutes to get here? Try an hour and a half.
Mark Normand
Chris. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Hey, sorry. Running a little late. Going to be there tomorrow.
Mark Normand
And you get there and he's got nine kids he's feeding, and you're like, all right, I guess we got to wait for that. He's. He's fe.
Guest/Producer
Like, it's an orphanage.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
I mean, we did walk into a chaos. We went to. It was.
Mark Normand
Hey.
Trevor Wallace
But it fits his mentality.
Mark Normand
Yeah, completely.
Trevor Wallace
And it. Yeah, it feeds off it.
Mark Normand
Totally.
Guest/Producer
I could. I can't do. I. I'm so full of anxiety. I. There's no way I could do what kids. Well, just like that, invite, like, I just. I just.
Michael Blaustein
Would you like that? You like the calm?
Guest/Producer
I have to have it.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guest/Producer
But I will say the calm of la, in terms of motivating to, like, write new stuff. It was definitely, like, a learning curve, because I live in New York. York. I mean, with you guys for freaking, like, eight, nine years. And you get used to, like. You start in New York, so you get used to the chaos. You get used to, like, writing like that. And then when I moved to la, I was like, I haven't wrote a new bit in two months. What's happening?
Trevor Wallace
Too calm.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Life is too perfect.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Mark Normand
You're on a treadmill here, but in la, you can just. You're in a hot tub.
Trevor Wallace
You got to make your own commotion in la.
Mark Normand
Right, right, right.
Trevor Wallace
Here it's one block and you're like, great, dude.
Guest/Producer
Are we talking about, like, I. I'm like, I. I'm, like, sequestered in my apartment. I don't. You don't need to leave now.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Guest/Producer
Everything to my house. Like, I pick my head up at 7pm I haven't even, like, put my head outside. Yeah, you go get a coffee. There's a homeless guy jerking off inside your asshole. You're like, okay, I got a new bit.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I don't think you need a struggle to be funny, but you need, like, comfort is the enemy of fun. If you're too comfortable, it's. I mean.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
And you get more and more, like, you go, oh, you live in Santa Monica. See ya. That's. That's like a half hour. I'm not doing that. You're like, damn, I go a half hour on a subway every day.
Guest/Producer
Yes.
Mark Normand
To get to the city. So, like, you guys just start getting more and more secluded.
Michael Blaustein
I think that's probably why you do so much weird shit on the road. Like all these podcast years. Like, I don't want to get comfortable here.
Mark Normand
No, you might be right.
Michael Blaustein
Maybe there's some of that.
Mark Normand
I think you got something there.
Michael Blaustein
But still doing bad gigs every once in a while because, like, there's a part of me that's like, I don't want to do a shitty gig. You know, the bad gigs will come up unexpected anyway. Why am I going into a gig that's good, but sometimes you got to go. And you're like, no, let me see if I can turn this. Let me see if I could, you
Trevor Wallace
know, in a sense of just doing, like, a random show you hit up to do or.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah. And you're like, this could be a tough room. This could be good for me. You know?
Mark Normand
And it shakes you up a little, gets you on your toes where you're like, oh, man, I had to. Like, I was in autopilot for a while.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Nothing makes you want to write harder than a bomb.
Mark Normand
Yeah, exactly.
Guest/Producer
Yeah. That autopilot shit, you're like, am I just funny in front of my own fans?
Mark Normand
Right.
Guest/Producer
I will eat a gun if that's the case.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I can't do that. I know I say this all the time, and I hope he doesn't get offended, but, like, Louie will go up at these random clubs unannounced and eat. Eat it for like three months.
Michael Blaustein
It's pretty cool.
Mark Normand
Before you know it, he's murdering with that same stuff.
Trevor Wallace
And he's really workshopping it up there.
Mark Normand
Workshop and to silence. No offense, Lou, but eventually it starts cooking and then it starts gelling and then he's killing the grocery store.
Michael Blaustein
Yesterday I was with a girl. I run into him and we're just chatting for a while and then she was like, oh, who is that? Like some guy who lives in your building. I was like, that was fucking Louis Seko. And she goes, the red haired guy, but he has gray hair now.
Trevor Wallace
I'm like, he got older, stressed out this past decade.
Mark Normand
That's the thing. If she's a young girl seeing that guy walk on stage, he's like, who's this weirdo? Is this the Ayatollah? What the is this?
Guest/Producer
But he was.
Trevor Wallace
I mean, it's not like, okay, it's not like dead silence, you're saying when he's going up there.
Michael Blaustein
But you know, it's his way of just. That's how he. Everyone writes their own way. Like some people like to cushion the new bits, to give it a running start. Louie Lou's like, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna embrace the silence. So it is fun to watch.
Mark Normand
It is.
Michael Blaustein
Cuz you're like, wow. He doesn't. He'll just him in the corner ones. And I just, I'm watching because I'm just kind of like, I want to see it. And he just kind of turned to me and smiled. After a hard bomb, I'm like, wow, this is like some Obi Wan shit.
Mark Normand
It is. I start spazzing after like the, the no laughs for, you know, a couple minutes. You're like, this is crazy.
Guest/Producer
These four people, I respect that. So hard when, like, it is the Obi Wan thing, it's like he doesn't care. And like, I, I, I one day hope to like, not give a fuck. I know you, man. After, like, after a minute of a new bit that's doing like a C minus, I'm like, oh, God, where are you from?
Trevor Wallace
Like, jump off points with each bit. There's like, you could end it here or you keep pushing. I saw you said a clip. That was great. That was like, just keep pushing for one or two more lines after.
Mark Normand
Yes, yes.
Trevor Wallace
Which I think about often. But I saw Bird doing new material night, which is so cool because he's just, no matter how big you get in comedy, he's still like, notepad. He goes, all right, let's see if this works. And then just puts in his pocket. It's like, no matter how big, that's still the same shit you see at an open mic. Yeah, obviously he's Bill Burger. He's a genius. But it's the art form of it
Mark Normand
is still so simple. Well, they say you never know until you know. Even if you're at that level, you have a good sense of what's funny, what's gonna hit, but you still never know completely.
Guest/Producer
But that's why this is. That's why I love this so much. Cause you don't know. You can. If you get complacent, there is no, like, oh, I got it.
Mark Normand
Yeah, you don't have it.
Guest/Producer
You never know if you have it.
Mark Normand
Exactly.
Guest/Producer
It's so cool.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Because how many times you've been like, oh, this is gonna kill. And then that bombs. Then you're like, this is nothing. And that kills.
Trevor Wallace
Segue into the new joke hits, and you're like, this. I wrote this just now. Yes, but the jo in here.
Mark Normand
Yeah. So frustrating, but also exciting.
Guest/Producer
The first time I ever saw Louis live, he was just workshopping stuff. It was at Caroline's, and he was just out of a notebook. I was like, months in a comedy, he was out of a notebook, dude murdering. And I was like, this motherfucker's just reading stuff. And I'm like, it was. I just. I. I was just so in all this guy, just like the best man.
Mark Normand
Well, back to the Obi Wan thing. I think when you get to that level of not giving up a fuck, like, he can just go up and bomb and be okay with it. That's when you get to that crazy, thoughtful, interesting material.
Guest/Producer
Right.
Mark Normand
And, you know, it takes years to get to that level, I think.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah. And those silences. Sometimes you find the funniest thing from just the failure. Like, there's something about it. You keep digging, and then you. And then you say the thing. It's almost like the muscle memory from doing this forever. You're like, this is it.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
And then you're like, holy shit, I just figured it out.
Guest/Producer
Right?
Michael Blaustein
Because if I didn't, it would just keep getting worse. And then sometimes it just keeps getting worse.
Mark Normand
That's true.
Michael Blaustein
That's okay, too. But I feel guilty. I do feel guilty when I bomb, too.
Mark Normand
I do, too.
Michael Blaustein
I'm like, all right, let me throw a couple old ones into. And. But you gotta find ways to. To get the new.
Trevor Wallace
It's.
Michael Blaustein
It's never pretty.
Guest/Producer
Do you guys remember the first time that you started feeling this extra weird pressure because people knew who you were and then. So that working new material stuff out you.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Guest/Producer
You know what I mean? I definitely had that, like, when you're new in the game. Like, nobody knows who any of us are. So then you go up and it's a game.
Michael Blaustein
That's a weird gift when you're building material, when no one knows who the fuck you are.
Guest/Producer
That's what I was saying.
Michael Blaustein
Cause still go with the seller sometimes, and they don't know me, and that's cool. But, like, sometimes they do, and you're like, oh, shit. They're gonna be like, that's pressure. There's a part of me that's like, does the crowd know you're working on shit? Or are they gonna be like, man, that guy's fucking slipping. You're following some young buck at the Cellar who's fucking bringing the heat. And really funny.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
There's so many funny young people there right now. And it's like,
Trevor Wallace
that was a little humidity in there.
Mark Normand
That was a problem.
Michael Blaustein
He used to be better, this guy. He's losing.
Mark Normand
He's working, working it out.
Michael Blaustein
Let me try this creaky one. Not nothing. All right, let me open miking.
Trevor Wallace
It sounds like a pirate horror film
Mark Normand
for it right there. Yeah, it was like a bad trumpet.
Michael Blaustein
No, I feel. I definitely feel bad, for sure. But I'm also like, what's a seller ticket is what, $12? They see a great show. It's so cheap, whatever they charge.
Mark Normand
Well, that's the other thing is people go like, oh, they get to see you work out new material. They're going to love it. I'm like, they'll love it for six minutes if I do that for 45. They're like, all right, asshole. This is a little selfish. Indulgent.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, you gotta. You gotta prep them a little bit. Let me try a few new. And then you kind of do good stuff. Then you go like, let me try a few more.
Trevor Wallace
But it is so funny how important that one sentence is mentally, for yourself to be like, I'm gonna try some new.
Mark Normand
And then huge.
Trevor Wallace
Then they're all, oh. Because if you didn't say that, it's just bombing.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
This joke just isn't exactly one sentence.
Guest/Producer
I oddly asked their permission. I'm like, is it cool if I work out in this? And it's like. And then I go back for five years. You asked for.
Michael Blaustein
The new comic is clearly doing old materials. Here, let me try some new oj. Man, that's like, weir crazy.
Trevor Wallace
You can't smoke on a plane anymore, huh? Is there one bit you guys have just never been able to get to work? It's just always been on the Back burner. And then, like, every couple years, you, like, bring it out of the cage.
Mark Normand
Yeah, I've got a few of those. Yeah, I actually. A lot of those. It's my whole act.
Michael Blaustein
No, he cracks it a lot, though. Mark will really stay with a bit.
Mark Normand
I'll stick with a bit.
Michael Blaustein
That's pretty cool.
Trevor Wallace
And just keep workshopping it each night.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Even when we were young comics, he would always like. He would. He'd be like, I can't crack this one. You were like, one of the few people to tweak at mics. I feel like even.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Michael Blaustein
A lot of people were like, okay, they've seen this. I can't. But you'd bring it back.
Mark Normand
Sometimes I would go back. But mics were tough because if you see the same asshole comic in the front row, the worst.
Trevor Wallace
It didn't work last night. It's not gonna work tonight.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I usually know why it doesn't work, and I'm like. I don't necessarily agree because if I think there's something funny about me sometimes I'm like, this doesn't work because of this. Or maybe this bit makes them too sad.
Trevor Wallace
But that makes you laugh. So you're like, there is something.
Mark Normand
There's something.
Michael Blaustein
But not everything that makes me laugh should, you know.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Michael Blaustein
That's when you get self indulgent. Right. Like, I mean, I should like everything in my act, but sometimes if I think something's funny, it's not right for the show, you know?
Mark Normand
Mm.
Guest/Producer
And it's also like, we're comedians, so what makes us laugh is horrendous. So.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
You can't make a room full of people that work in HR Block laugh at what we laugh at. It's like fucking. You can try.
Mark Normand
That's true.
Guest/Producer
Sometimes it's just too heinous.
Michael Blaustein
Like, it's. You're going too dark.
Guest/Producer
Too dark.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Mark Normand
Yeah. Well, that's one kind of fun thing about the Internet is sometimes you have a joke, you're like, it didn't really hit, but I think there's something here. And you throw it out into the world and it finds them.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, but it's hard. It's hard to find, you know, like, certain bits. Certain bits aren't for everybody. Also, like, there's. We talked about this with Mark. Just put a special out. Sometimes you keep this one line in and you can't get selfish with it, but the one line's there. You're like, it's just kind of a throwaway. And then people end up being like,
Trevor Wallace
I love that line.
Mark Normand
I know it's funny.
Michael Blaustein
It's like always that one fucking line. It doesn't matter the one you're about to pull.
Trevor Wallace
I feel it in sketches a lot too. I'm the edit trying to condense it. I'm like, is this funny? Is this funny? Ah, whatever, keep it in. And then the. That's the line people quote.
Mark Normand
Yes.
Trevor Wallace
Which is so weird that you. But you like hyper focus on that one line.
Mark Normand
I know.
Trevor Wallace
Which I think there's some gut feeling in there. You're like, this line is important and I don't know why.
Mark Normand
Well, I think we always go z a laugh line. Is that a laugh line? But it doesn't have to be a laugh line to be to resonate. You know what I mean? Like your thing about the cybertruck tweet, none of us burst out laughing, but we're all like, oh, that's good.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, builds to it.
Mark Normand
What was the line again? You never see with a family, it's
Trevor Wallace
never seen a famine of cybertruck.
Mark Normand
Yeah. That's not like hahaha. But you're like, oh, that's good, you know, so you keep it in.
Michael Blaustein
Henny Youngman used to say, like sometimes you get a laugh just on the recognition though.
Mark Normand
Sure.
Michael Blaustein
So it's like not necessarily a joke, but it's like. You ever notice everyone does and it's like, it's like no one's articulated that way. And that's why you're getting the laugh.
Mark Normand
Right. Right. Boy, we're going nerd shit right here.
Trevor Wallace
We're going deep back to coming on the ground.
Michael Blaustein
Index to get on it off or
Mark Normand
it comes like a flag. I guess it's not supposed hit the ground. You ever hit the curtains in the hotel?
Guest/Producer
Oh yeah.
Mark Normand
All right. Don't open the curtains in. In a hotel room.
Guest/Producer
You can't. After I leave, you can't open.
Mark Normand
Sealed shut like labia. You peel it open like a grilled cheese.
Guest/Producer
Oh, that's gross.
Trevor Wallace
Great visual though.
Mark Normand
Yeah. You don't hear this on College Daddy.
Michael Blaustein
I feel like they talk about common color Daddy.
Mark Normand
No, they have like Obama on. Yeah, that's true.
Michael Blaustein
I've never, I've never heard an episode. I just assume when it was the
Trevor Wallace
two girls, it was all like, how do you give head? Then they demonstrate on the mic and
Guest/Producer
now it's literally, I wonder why I got so big.
Michael Blaustein
That used to be a recipe for a hit pod.
Mark Normand
Girls talking, girls talking.
Michael Blaustein
It. It was like unheard of because girls liked it.
Trevor Wallace
And guys, I feel like Secretly liked it because they're like, this is. You know, we're watching the. The defense here give out play.
Mark Normand
Yeah, exactly. Cuz girls when I was a kid were so annoying. Be like, so you ever finger yourself?
Michael Blaustein
They're like, e, shut up.
Mark Normand
And I'm like, don't make me look like a psycho. You know, you're at home diddling all night. They would always cover it up and hide it and be like, that was
Michael Blaustein
our original podcast name. Don't make me look like a psycho. So two dudes complain about women talking about sex.
Mark Normand
I know. I went full pimp right there. Don't make me look like a psycho.
Michael Blaustein
Damn, dude.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah.
Mark Normand
You couldn't talk. Could talk with the ladies.
Guest/Producer
It is funny, though, because that was the. The recipe for hip hop. And then everybody did it. And then it's like, yeah, all right.
Mark Normand
Well, all right. But it's funny how girls will go from jizz talk to Kamala Harris. Like they work their way up to, like, real shit.
Guest/Producer
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
But I think deep down they want to ask Kamala that. Of course, like the gdp. How do you get yourself off at night? How do you. Kamala Harris.
Michael Blaustein
But that's every big pod. It's like, you know, Marin's like, working out his beef with like all these comics. Then he's like, oh, I got Obama on this week. You know, every, Every, Every pod. Once it gets big, you're like, all right, I'm. I'll take a. I don't like this.
Trevor Wallace
Pods do where they have like this like super dramatic trailer. It's like tomorrow coming on. And it's like horror film that cuts to black. This is like noon eastern.
Mark Normand
You're like, oh, that's that. Michael B.
Guest/Producer
Directed the trailer.
Trevor Wallace
It's so much buildup and hype for the same you got last week. Listen, do what you do. And it's obviously working.
Mark Normand
It actually is an old trope from the news. The news would be like, yeah, shrimp, what's in it? It might kill your kids. Tomorrow at 11. You're like, go.
Michael Blaustein
I got so much to knew. We might be drunk. Gary Veer, like you've never seen him before.
Mark Normand
He has hair.
Guest/Producer
Carrying a wig in my head.
Mark Normand
Gary opens a cyber truck. Will he get in? Can he reach it? Does he need a boot list tomorrow?
Michael Blaustein
Oh, all that build up.
Trevor Wallace
I guess it's anything to get clicks or Exactly. Hold retention a little bit, but.
Mark Normand
Well, I guess we just think of. Of podcasts like goofball. I think of Theo Von being like, hey, man, a rabbit ate my My dad's ass or whatever. And they show, you know,
Trevor Wallace
that's a direct clip from.
Mark Normand
Then, you know. Then it's Bernie Sanders on something.
Michael Blaustein
Theo Rapid ate my dad's ass. Like, do you want Trump on the pod? He wants to come on.
Trevor Wallace
He heard your rabbit eating ass.
Michael Blaustein
And then we got Bernie next week, and he's like, oh, cool, man.
Mark Normand
I know Bernie.
Michael Blaustein
How do you feel about rabbits eating ass? It's a. It's an upper. It's an upper class problem,
Mark Normand
man. All right, I gotta stop singing comics. We got Drew Lynch, Marin, Theo doing the gamut here.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah, well, we should fucking. We got to do your part in a minute, so you should plug some dates. Plug some dates. Where you guys are gonna be.
Trevor Wallace
I just finished my tour. Michael's heavy on the road, though. Check him out.
Guest/Producer
Yeah, just a bunch of stuff, man. Go to blau comedy.com blaucomedy.com I'm going fricking everywhere. Yeah, look at that.
Michael Blaustein
All over Canada.
Guest/Producer
Canada. Moncton, Joliet, Atlantic City.
Michael Blaustein
I gotta go to the NBA hall of Fame in Springfield.
Mark Normand
Bass. Oh, buddy.
Guest/Producer
I'm going. I'm so excited. Yeah, go. Go get some tickets, dude. You're everywhere.
Michael Blaustein
Look at that.
Mark Normand
Look at that. Hey, the Wilbur's fun.
Guest/Producer
Wilbur's so fun.
Mark Normand
One of the best. That DC One's great too. What's that called? The Capital One Hall. Great room.
Guest/Producer
Oh, I've never played it.
Mark Normand
Killer.
Michael Blaustein
Killer Shane tape there.
Mark Normand
Beautiful dogs. Was there? Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Oh, was it?
Mark Normand
It's basically dc. Yeah.
Guest/Producer
Oh, great. Yeah. Very excited. Damn.
Michael Blaustein
All over. These are all great rooms.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, Buddy's tore himself into the ground is great.
Guest/Producer
Yeah. After this, I'm gonna be dead.
Mark Normand
So come out.
Trevor Wallace
I just have two. So some random ones. London, UK, June 10th. Then Halifax, Canada. The Great Outdoors Comedy Festival. Trevor Walls Dot com. You guys doing that? The Great Outdoors one?
Mark Normand
I've done a few. They're always awesome.
Guest/Producer
They're so fun. I only did one with when we. When we did it.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
This one's weird. It's at like 3pm Then Schultz is after me for the night show. They're doing it more like festival. So you're headlining at 3pm I'm like, yeah, it'll be a good, like, day drinking thing.
Michael Blaustein
But you're done.
Trevor Wallace
You know, it'll be. It'll be fun, but, like, it's gonna
Michael Blaustein
be nice to be done in like four.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, right.
Michael Blaustein
Just.
Guest/Producer
That's what we did. We did it. When I went on, it was. It was five. Like, it was.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah. The sunset is your light. Well, the sun goes down. That's my light. Gotta go.
Guest/Producer
A cigar was.
Trevor Wallace
Yeah, they're always fun and. And they bring out a huge audience.
Michael Blaustein
Bring chair.
Trevor Wallace
So it is pretty fun.
Mark Normand
Crazy.
Michael Blaustein
Well, I got the Turning Stone Casino in Verona, New York, June 6th. And I'm gonna add dates at some point, but yeah, I got Portugal. Yeah, I'm doing a little Euro tour again. Just places I want to go to. So. Lisbon, Athens, Budapest, Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw, Helsinki, Stockholm and Copenhagen. So that's all in September and that's on my site. Warsaw.
Guest/Producer
You're allowed in.
Michael Blaustein
Times have changed, baby.
Mark Normand
Yeah, well, Poland's not around. They don't allow gay marriage. They don't allow same sex adoption.
Michael Blaustein
Wow.
Mark Normand
Yeah, they're wild. Is that true? Yeah.
Michael Blaustein
I didn't even know that. That's crazy.
Mark Normand
Oh, I'm. I'm do. I'm back in the clubs, baby. I got a mil hour. Spokane, Philly.
Guest/Producer
Oh, the Philly. Helium is so fun, dude.
Mark Normand
Favorite room. Maybe in the country. Classic Milwaukee. Improv. Irvine Improv.
Trevor Wallace
Banger.
Mark Normand
Love that room. Temp is so fun. Oh, Detroit, Mark Ridley's and Royal Oak. Hilarities in Cleveland.
Michael Blaustein
That's maybe my favorite city.
Mark Normand
Never been to Emerald City Comedy Club. I. I think it's new side splitters in Tampa. It's a great room. All going to the. And yeah. All kinds of cobs. I love CS San Francisco.
Michael Blaustein
You have to cancel some of these if we. If we get.
Mark Normand
Oh, yeah, right. I love. We're trying to make a movie.
Michael Blaustein
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Oh, yeah.
Michael Blaustein
Working.
Mark Normand
Trying.
Michael Blaustein
Oh, yeah. Bus.
Mark Normand
How you were. I was. Yeah. How was it?
Trevor Wallace
It was fun, man. It was just shooting for a day, but.
Mark Normand
Oh, nice. Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
It literally just felt like a giant sketch with a bunch of friends.
Mark Normand
Yeah.
Trevor Wallace
Popped in for a day.
Guest/Producer
But the premise is that. Is that not.
Michael Blaustein
It's just. Just. Yeah. We're just two liquor salesmen.
Mark Normand
It's our.
Michael Blaustein
We have our bodega cat. We got our hooch and we just made it. We're two failing liquor salesmen. But it's fun. It's got hard. It's like an old school 90s comedy. It's a joke of more. I mean, it's so many jokes, tons of jokes.
Trevor Wallace
The best, like comedies feel like just like an improv scene where it's a sense of like the. You're bus boys and then they never really. You don't see them as bus boys ever.
Mark Normand
Yes, yes, exactly.
Trevor Wallace
As you're in Home Depot, then you forget you're in Home Depot. The fact that you guys sell the bodega cat is like, that's the premise. But really it's just about you guys.
Michael Blaustein
It's just about friendship. That's how bus was getting older and, and still drinking and being fuck ups and it's, it's fun. It's like a fun buddy comedy.
Guest/Producer
Oh man, I need to see this.
Michael Blaustein
We're close. We're so close. We hope it works out.
Mark Normand
So we'll see.
Michael Blaustein
But you guys have been awesome and listen to their podcast, Stiff Socks.
Mark Normand
Yeah, yeah. Great.
Michael Blaustein
Great to see you guys. And we'll see you next week. Buy some bodega cat whiskey, guys.
Mark Normand
Delicious. Sophie, Rain hit us up.
Trevor Wallace
Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of fever wreck. You know the fear juice.
Michael Blaustein
Close.
Trevor Wallace
I've had a little too much burping and Norman's talking shit about the fucking
Mark Normand
poke and I get down in the
Trevor Wallace
same way up on the roof like a cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here
Mark Normand
in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get
Trevor Wallace
down in the same way we might be true.
Michael Blaustein
Your next chapter in healthcare starts at
Trevor Wallace
Carrington College's School of Nursing in Portland.
Michael Blaustein
Join us for our open house on Tuesday, January 13th. From poor to Sarah PM, you'll tour our campus, see live demos, meet instructors, and learn about our associate degree in nursing program that prepares you to become a registered nurse. Take the first step toward your nursing career. Save your spot now at Carrington Edu Events.
Trevor Wallace
For information on program outcomes, visit carrington. Edu Sci. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun. Sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your summer@columbia.com to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia. Engineered for whatever.
Episode: Trevor Wallace & Michael Blaustein w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Hosts: Mark Normand & Sam Morril
Guests: Trevor Wallace & Michael Blaustein
This episode of "We Might Be Drunk" features comedians Trevor Wallace and Michael Blaustein—hosts of the "Stiff Socks" podcast—joining Mark Normand and Sam Morril for an unfiltered, joke-packed conversation. The crew dives into classic themes of the male experience, stand-up comedy, life on the road, weird habits, nostalgia, and the grind of creativity. As always, their discussion goes from absurd confessions and backstage tales to candid shop talk about the art of comedy.
The episode starts with banter about eating eggs at all hours, which pivots into a riff on egg freezing, reproductive choices, and the ethics and nuances around "hoarding" eggs versus sperm.
Sofia Vergara's famous embryo custody battle is used as a contemporary example.
Memorable Quote:
“Jizz is everywhere. I'm avoiding jizz all day long in the subway.”
— Mark Normand (02:56)
The conversation humorously debates whether destroying a fertilized egg is "like, the step before abortion." (01:28)
“It's like a do not disturb for losers.”
— Mark Normand (03:35)
“I was like a full adult with a butter knife, chiseling away at [the floor].”
— Michael Blaustein (20:27) “You're not getting that sperm deposit back.”
— Mark Normand (20:13) “It was so backed up on the ground that I took a butter knife and I was starting to clean it. Chiseling away at using 409 wasn't working.”
— Guest [Producer/Michael] (20:25)
Extended discussion of the psychological impact of seeing non-laughing audience members, fighting the urge to fixate on them, and using them as a challenge.
The value of discomfort and "bad gigs" for generating new material.
Marin and Louis CK Stories:
Memorable Quote:
“Nothing makes you want to write harder than a bomb.”
— Trevor Wallace (60:32)
“You've never seen a family in a cybertruck.”
— Trevor Wallace (39:07)
“Freeze your eggs … anybody freezing their eggs is in trouble.” — Mark Normand (00:17)
“We didn't have paintball. We had to … it's the only thing we could shoot.” — Mark Normand (18:42)
“It's like coming out of the closet. It feels...” — Guest/Producer (36:29)
“Sometimes you find the funniest thing from just the failure.” — Michael Blaustein (63:56)
“First base is choking now. I'm serious.” — Mark Normand (28:35)
The conversation is relentlessly rapid-fire, self-deprecating, and blue-collar: filthy stories are punctuated by bursts of comedy-insider wisdom. Mark and Sam’s banter with Trevor and Michael shows blunt candor about personal failings, the emotional swings of road life, and the constant search for new bits. The tone shifts seamlessly from raucous to reflective—often delivering surprising honesty about loneliness, career anxieties, and creative discipline.
This episode offers both outrageous laughs and an authentic look behind the curtain of stand-up life. The blend of confessions, gross-out humor, and industry shop talk encapsulates what “We Might Be Drunk” does best: roping listeners into a comedians’ hangout that is poignant, unfiltered, and always a little bit on the edge.
Further Info:
Tune in for the next round of drinks, bits, and brutal confessions!