Trevor Wallace & Michael Blaustein w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand - We Might Be Drunk Podcast

Summary

Podcast Summary: We Might Be Drunk (May 11, 2026)

Episode: Trevor Wallace & Michael Blaustein w/ Sam Morril & Mark Normand
Hosts: Mark Normand & Sam Morril
Guests: Trevor Wallace & Michael Blaustein

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Episode Overview

This episode of "We Might Be Drunk" features comedians Trevor Wallace and Michael Blaustein—hosts of the "Stiff Socks" podcast—joining Mark Normand and Sam Morril for an unfiltered, joke-packed conversation. The crew dives into classic themes of the male experience, stand-up comedy, life on the road, weird habits, nostalgia, and the grind of creativity. As always, their discussion goes from absurd confessions and backstage tales to candid shop talk about the art of comedy.

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Major Themes & Key Discussion Points

1. Eggs, Reproduction, and Freezing

• The episode starts with banter about eating eggs at all hours, which pivots into a riff on egg freezing, reproductive choices, and the ethics and nuances around "hoarding" eggs versus sperm.

• Sofia Vergara's famous embryo custody battle is used as a contemporary example.

• Memorable Quote:

  “Jizz is everywhere. I'm avoiding jizz all day long in the subway.”
  — Mark Normand (02:56)

• The conversation humorously debates whether destroying a fertilized egg is "like, the step before abortion." (01:28)

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2. Adolescent & Roommate Jerk-Off Stories

• The hosts and guests share anecdotes about puberty-era habits—socks on the door, shower curtains, and odd rituals around masturbation.
• The trope of the sock/neck-tie/fedora on the doorknob and college room signals is dissected, highlighting the differences between movie tropes and reality.
• Memorable Exchange:

  “It's like a do not disturb for losers.”
  — Mark Normand (03:35)

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3. Nostalgia for Pre-Internet Sex Culture

• Stories about discovering Playboy, passing around porn magazines, and how "one page" could get rationed among friends are swapped.
• The hosts note how much access and attitudes have changed with the internet.
• Notable Moment:
  Trevor recounts the first time seeing real “wild” breasts at a waterpark, and the cast reflects on the power of genuinely unexpected real-life experiences. (24:46–25:07)

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4. Coming on the Floor (Extended Bit)

• Michael and Trevor engage in a lengthy, grossly comedic exchange about literally ejaculating on the ground in hotels or old apartments.
• The freedom, laziness, and eventual mess are all played for laughs.
• Memorable Quotes:

  “I was like a full adult with a butter knife, chiseling away at [the floor].”
  — Michael Blaustein (20:27) “You're not getting that sperm deposit back.”
  — Mark Normand (20:13) “It was so backed up on the ground that I took a butter knife and I was starting to clean it. Chiseling away at using 409 wasn't working.”
  — Guest [Producer/Michael] (20:25)

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5. Road Life & Stand-Up Chit-Chat

• The realities of doing comedy shows in NYC vs. LA, the pain of bad lighting, and how stand-ups handle sound checks.
• The crew discusses the logistics of getting to comedy clubs, the difference between city and car-centric touring, and the emotional highs of performing live.
• Mark’s Preference:
  “I want it dim … I don’t want to see the crowd’s faces.” (09:01)

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6. Coping with Bombing and the Comedy Process

• Extended discussion of the psychological impact of seeing non-laughing audience members, fighting the urge to fixate on them, and using them as a challenge.

• The value of discomfort and "bad gigs" for generating new material.

• Marin and Louis CK Stories:

  • Mark recounts Marc Maron’s old bit about obsessing over a stony-faced audience member (10:00).
  • Admiration for Louie CK’s fearlessness in bombing to develop new material (41:41, 62:56).

• Memorable Quote:

  “Nothing makes you want to write harder than a bomb.”
  — Trevor Wallace (60:32)

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7. Riffs on Modern Culture: Cybertrucks, Cold Plunges, and One Wheels

• Trevor describes learning to ride one-wheel scooters for a sketch, poking fun at niche LA-guy culture and how he often ends up liking trends he initially mocked.
• Similarly, cold plunges and the Tesla Cybertruck get a roast/review—with the comedians debating their merits, aesthetics, and user archetypes.
• Quote about Tesla:

  “You've never seen a family in a cybertruck.”
  — Trevor Wallace (39:07)

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8. New York vs. LA: Life, Writing, and Loneliness

• The crew compares the inspiration and chaos of NYC with LA’s comfort and isolation.
• They note how "too much comfort" stifles creativity.
• Parking woes, solitary living, and the oddities of being a single man in the city are discussed with irreverent honesty.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Freezing Eggs:

  “Freeze your eggs … anybody freezing their eggs is in trouble.” — Mark Normand (00:17)

• On masturbation habits:

  “We didn't have paintball. We had to … it's the only thing we could shoot.” — Mark Normand (18:42)

• On Cold Plunges:

  “It's like coming out of the closet. It feels...” — Guest/Producer (36:29)

• On Bombing as Growth:

  “Sometimes you find the funniest thing from just the failure.” — Michael Blaustein (63:56)

• On bases in modern sex:

  “First base is choking now. I'm serious.” — Mark Normand (28:35)

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Timestamps: Important Segments

• Frozen Eggs & Sofia Vergara Lawsuit: 00:20–02:13
• Sock on the Door, Roommate Stories: 03:10–05:41
• Coming on the Floor—Confessions: 17:13–20:54
• Porn Before Internet, “Spank Bank”: 24:23–25:43
• Comedy Club Sound Check & Room Setups: 08:03–09:10
• Bombing & Working New Material: 41:41–44:44, 62:01–64:14
• NYC vs LA Comedy Life: 55:19–59:39
• Cybertruck & Modern Tech Fads: 37:59–40:55
• Cold Plunge Routines: 36:04–37:42
• Teacher Shows Up at Show—Viral Moment: 46:29–49:08
• On Hitting New Lows in Bachelor Life: 20:01–20:54, 54:38–55:04

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Flow & Tone

The conversation is relentlessly rapid-fire, self-deprecating, and blue-collar: filthy stories are punctuated by bursts of comedy-insider wisdom. Mark and Sam’s banter with Trevor and Michael shows blunt candor about personal failings, the emotional swings of road life, and the constant search for new bits. The tone shifts seamlessly from raucous to reflective—often delivering surprising honesty about loneliness, career anxieties, and creative discipline.

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Final Thoughts

This episode offers both outrageous laughs and an authentic look behind the curtain of stand-up life. The blend of confessions, gross-out humor, and industry shop talk encapsulates what “We Might Be Drunk” does best: roping listeners into a comedians’ hangout that is poignant, unfiltered, and always a little bit on the edge.

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Further Info:

• Trevor Wallace: Upcoming gigs at trevorwalls.com
• Michael Blaustein: Tour dates at blaucomedy.com & Stiff Socks podcast
• Mark Normand: Mark’s tour (including Europe & major US clubs)
• Sam Morril: US and European dates, details in closing

Tune in for the next round of drinks, bits, and brutal confessions!

Transcript

[Mark Normand]

Eggs at this hour?

[Michael Blaustein]

Eh, I like eggs.

[Mark Normand]

I like eggs, too.

[Michael Blaustein]

What's wrong with eggs in the afternoon? Are we starting on that?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, let's go. Yeah. All right. Eggs.

[Michael Blaustein]

I like. I like an egg in the afternoon.

[Mark Normand]

Hell, yeah. Freeze your eggs.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

No. Anybody freezing their eggs is in trouble. Well, they're.

[Michael Blaustein]

They might be. It might be a career gal.

[Mark Normand]

They're not excited.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're not excited?

[Mark Normand]

I don't think so.

[Michael Blaustein]

What does that mean?

[Mark Normand]

I think they're like, let me shelf this. Literally.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're shelving.

[Mark Normand]

They're shelving it? Yeah. Otherwise, you know, you'd want to get pounded and jizzed in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, but some people have demanding jobs. Some people, they. What if they're.

[Trevor Wallace]

What if it's.

[Michael Blaustein]

What if we're talking like a road comic? A female road comic. Maybe she's not ready.

[Mark Normand]

All right, it's a good point, but we know a lot of female comics with kids.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Who didn't it freeze? True. I'm just saying if you freeze, I think that you're more likely to go, ah, you know what? Screw it.

[Michael Blaustein]

So you're saying freeze? Never good. Oh, I'm saying cops, they say freeze, you're in trouble. I'm doing Seinfeld now.

[Mark Normand]

Mr. Freeze.

[Michael Blaustein]

Mr. Freeze.

[Mark Normand]

Chill out. Cool down.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, but you might have just pissed off our two female listeners. You might have upset them.

[Mark Normand]

I just know a lot of people frozen, and then they never did anything with it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, but then what's the harm in it?

[Mark Normand]

No harm. I'm not saying there's harm.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's like hoarding, but for.

[Mark Normand]

It's hoarding.

[Michael Blaustein]

So there is a debate on whether or not frozen eggs, you can destroy them. Is that an abortion?

[Mark Normand]

Is that a life?

[Michael Blaustein]

It's like, definitely the step before the abortion.

[Mark Normand]

I don't think it's an abortion.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, because it's a. I believe they're fertilized eggs. If you have the man.

[Mark Normand]

Ooh.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Michael Blaustein]

So it's actually technically a kid to some people.

[Mark Normand]

Is that right? So you bring jizz in and they put it in the egg. Yes. Wow. That's a fun little science experiment.

[Michael Blaustein]

I mean, I'm so. But I thought you freeze the egg and you put the jizz in later. I believe you do both. But if, like, what's her name? Vergara.

[Mark Normand]

From Sofia Vergara.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, she did that. She had children, I guess, babies or embryos that were seminated on ice. They got a divorce, and there was a custody battle for those eggs. Whoa. Damn.

[Mark Normand]

That's a hell of An Easter.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know. I don't know. I'll look it up. I got a computer.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. You see, she knew that should have

[Michael Blaustein]

been a modern family. That's even more progressive than the gay couple.

[Mark Normand]

That's very modern.

[Michael Blaustein]

That was like a big deal. Remember they. It's two gay guys.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Will and Grace. Don't get me started.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, that's true.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Norman, that great joke. He's like, we're all deeply homophobic. Because every time Will's like, I have a hot date tonight. The crowd laughs. It's like, why are we laughing? He's a gay guy who's dating a man. Why is that funny?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't think I've ever seen the show.

[Mark Normand]

It was fine. It was, you know, very 90s laugh track, studio audience. Yeah, it was. It was just a million gay jokes.

[Michael Blaustein]

What do you call it? Sophia won the long running legal battle over her frozen embryos against her ex fiancee, Nick Loeb.

[Mark Normand]

I think that's fair. Cuz the eggs are harder to come by. No pun intended. Then jizz. Jizz is everywhere. I'm avoiding jizz all day long in the subway.

[Michael Blaustein]

Eggs cost so much to freeze. Jizz, you fucking. You were throwing it out constantly.

[Mark Normand]

Tissues. Socks, face.

[Michael Blaustein]

Speaking of our guest today, stiff socks.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, there you go. It's all jizz based.

[Michael Blaustein]

That was the whole. Remember putting the sock on the door?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

That was the whole thing you put on the door. Don't come in.

[Mark Normand]

Meaning, hey, dad, back off.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, you don't do like a roommate.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, oh, oh, God.

[Michael Blaustein]

If your dad's that cool. Dad's like, mow the lawn. You're like, I'm jacking off. I'm tugging.

[Mark Normand]

It's like a do not disturb for. For losers. Yeah, we're just talking. We're in the middle. Hey, not too long. Sit down, you big queefs.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, a little espresso. I like you, buddy.

[Mark Normand]

We're debating. Did you guys put a sock on your door when you jerked off with when you had roommates? No, I didn't plan that.

[Michael Blaustein]

May have been more of a movie thing.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's kind of a trope thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Okay, just checking.

[Guest/Producer]

Wouldn't you just lock your door?

[Michael Blaustein]

Why is not every door is a lock?

[Mark Normand]

Tell that to Matt Lauer.

[Guest/Producer]

You couldn't lock your door.

[Trevor Wallace]

I remember in the fraternity we had bunk beds and we'd put shower curtains over our bed. And so whatever happened, that was like the do not disturb was a shower curtain over the bed and it was like Everybody knew, but nobody was saying anything.

[Mark Normand]

Cuz you could feel the jiggle of a jerk.

[Trevor Wallace]

You were hoping for it, you know, a little Mormon soak tug action, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Sure, yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Eric, up top is jerking hard enough. You get a little motion in the ocean.

[Mark Normand]

It's like the quarter at the hotel, you know?

[Michael Blaustein]

Now we're just doing old movies.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Trevor Wallace]

The premise of the show is.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, listen, see, we should have sent you the transcript. This is old movie talk.

[Trevor Wallace]

You guys were doing the sock on the door.

[Mark Normand]

No, I know.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe a couple times. Yeah. You're quick.

[Mark Normand]

The amount of time it would take me to put a sock on, I'd be done.

[Guest/Producer]

But I'm quick. Wasn't it not a sock. Wasn't it like a necktie? Wasn't it?

[Michael Blaustein]

I think that was a few.

[Mark Normand]

That's getting laid.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, that's a boarding school, maybe.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, and it was a fedora. If you were getting pegged,

[Mark Normand]

I don't

[Trevor Wallace]

think you'd want it. College feels very. Like you'd want to brag. Like you'd want to.

[Mark Normand]

Like.

[Trevor Wallace]

Even if you weren't, you'd put a tie on it.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good point.

[Michael Blaustein]

They open the door, you're just crying in there.

[Guest/Producer]

I'm coming out of my eyes.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't even own a tie in college. I don't think.

[Guest/Producer]

I don't think I did either.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know if I own a tie now.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really.

[Mark Normand]

I have like.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, I have two ties to go to a funeral recently. And I looked at my two ties. I have one with polka dots. I'm like, I can't wear that one now.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's too cheerful.

[Michael Blaustein]

You can't wear a polka dot. And the other one's like a skinny tie. I'm like, what? I think I was like in the Reservoir Dogs. What am I doing here?

[Mark Normand]

Your footloose.

[Trevor Wallace]

So what'd you end up doing? A couple.

[Michael Blaustein]

I did. No tie.

[Guest/Producer]

No tie. You can't go back casual to a funeral.

[Michael Blaustein]

No tie, Hawaiian shirt.

[Mark Normand]

And his dad is a deadbeat, so no ties. Appropriate.

[Guest/Producer]

Was it your dad?

[Mark Normand]

No, no, no. Whoa.

[Trevor Wallace]

Whose was it?

[Michael Blaustein]

Who was a family member? Yeah. I didn't mean to bring the mood down.

[Trevor Wallace]

If it's family, then they're like, oh, that's Sam. He was doing.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, this is our prop. He's our prop guy. You can tell by the outfit.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let's see how we do.

[Guest/Producer]

Let's see.

[Michael Blaustein]

I mean, it's pretty basic. I'm not good at this.

[Guest/Producer]

Why? You're going, no, look, okay, here we go. Now you're looking.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you got it.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You nailed it.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

But you know, there's like that guy's

[Trevor Wallace]

done a corporate gig once or twice.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. Or a brisk.

[Trevor Wallace]

How's that?

[Michael Blaustein]

Not bad.

[Mark Normand]

Not bad.

[Guest/Producer]

I mean, honestly, it's probably.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I might. I might have gone too long on the tail here.

[Mark Normand]

Avril Lavigne looks terrible.

[Michael Blaustein]

Why do we have a tie? I have no idea. You have a tie here.

[Guest/Producer]

What is this?

[Trevor Wallace]

This water.

[Mark Normand]

Got some seltzer for you. Watch out for my egg wrap. I didn't finish it.

[Trevor Wallace]

Still would be great.

[Guest/Producer]

Your egg wrap is just there, huh?

[Mark Normand]

I'm letting it rough. Yeah, I'll finish it when you guys leave between shows.

[Trevor Wallace]

Are these tits?

[Mark Normand]

Yes. Nice.

[Trevor Wallace]

Okay, and what's the story behind these?

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, apparently Trey park from South Park's wife sent these to us. Yeah, I don't know why. I think we've talked about how much we love South Park A lot.

[Mark Normand]

And tits.

[Michael Blaustein]

And tits.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. There's another pair right there.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, wow.

[Mark Normand]

Those are Kristi gnomes. Husbands.

[Michael Blaustein]

Hey.

[Trevor Wallace]

So these were just sent as what? Just kind of like thinking about you or like.

[Michael Blaustein]

Where do you buy these? Can you just buy them anywhere online?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, sure. They're great stress relievers. You squeeze them, it does feel like.

[Trevor Wallace]

Kind of like the adhd, like fidget toy era. Yeah, type thing. Like you could give this to a kid, stim down, he'd be. But these feel much softer than the real.

[Michael Blaustein]

You felt the fake breast before?

[Guest/Producer]

I felt the fake breast, but I never felt

[Trevor Wallace]

nice. That's what I'm saying. It feels fidgety.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

What we got?

[Mark Normand]

That's a regular water if you want it.

[Trevor Wallace]

Okay, now here we go.

[Mark Normand]

Hey, now you got a dick and a boob.

[Trevor Wallace]

So what's going on, fellas? How are we doing? You guys are on the road more than anybody I know.

[Michael Blaustein]

I've been off it for a minute.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really?

[Michael Blaustein]

You guys go pretty hard, don't you?

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, but I don't. We go pretty hard, but not, not like. Not like you gents in the middle of it. I feel like you don't see New York for like months at a time.

[Mark Normand]

No, we go on the weekends, we come back in the week.

[Guest/Producer]

Okay, well, what I'm seeing, I feel like you guys don't see New York for months.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, you guys are doing the road out of la, which is so much harder.

[Mark Normand]

It sucks.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, all the dates. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

The time change.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're going to Columbus, Ohio. You probably got to leave A day early, right?

[Guest/Producer]

I mean, leave a day early. And then we wake up at 2:00pm and then like, cool. Sound checks in 13 minutes. It's.

[Mark Normand]

Ooh, yeah, that's.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't do sound check.

[Mark Normand]

I don't either.

[Michael Blaustein]

I just figure if someone's gonna eat it with the mic, it's gonna be my opener and they'll figure it out by then.

[Trevor Wallace]

Wait, oh, so. So they just fuck it up when your opener's on?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I'm like, it's me and Gary Veder. Like, we both talk like this. I figure it'll be, how. How early do you get to the place?

[Trevor Wallace]

Well, you haven't done some of the shitholes like Minglewood Hall. And you're just like, the lighting is awful. And you're just like. You're like, thank God I got here to kind of adjust a little bit. Or you're like, what it is.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, but what kind of aesthetic do I have? I don't know what it should look like.

[Trevor Wallace]

It almost looks better for you if it is bad lighting. You're just saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, I mean, I have a two guy go in there and do it for me. Don't you have the same thing, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I just have a guy. They have comics all the time. I go, do what you did for the last guy. That's it?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, like it was Nate Jackson. You see the whole crowd.

[Mark Normand]

Like, fuck, no. Yeah, I told. I want it dim, though. Sound normal. Dim light.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, yeah. I don't want to see the crowd's faces.

[Mark Normand]

No. God.

[Trevor Wallace]

Right. So that's what I go in to check for.

[Mark Normand]

Because he's.

[Trevor Wallace]

He likes to see the crowd.

[Mark Normand]

I know I like it.

[Guest/Producer]

I need to see, like, the first five rows I like to do because I.

[Mark Normand]

It.

[Guest/Producer]

One, I fuck around with them. And then two, it's. It like, oddly centers me if I can look at their faces as opposed to just staring into middle distance. I don't know what's happening. And then I have so much add that if I'm looking at the darkness, almost all of a sudden my brain goes, man, Ace Ventura was a good movie. And like. But if I'm looking at somebody, it like locks me in.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I hear you. See, do you ever have the thing where you're. You're killing in a dark theater and you're like, man, I'm. I'm killing. And then you look down at one guy and then you look at another guy and you're like, none of them are laughing, but I'm getting booming, pops. But then you're like, I see no one going. You know, they're just going like, you

[Michael Blaustein]

zone in on the bad one.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's why I like it dark. Because the one person folding their arms is all think about the whole thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

Remember Marin used to have a bit like way back in the day that he was doing this gig and he's killing. And there's this one guy in the front row and like a biker looking guy who just looks furious. And after the show he goes, hey, man, you like the show? And the guy was like, yeah, it was great. And he was like, oh, shit. That means that guy lives in my head. Nah, the guy who hates this shit. The guy. But it's like, yeah, but not everyone has a good time by just going like nuts. I know, I know. People who like don't really laugh, right?

[Trevor Wallace]

Sure, if it was the opposite. They're like laughing a lot. Like, that fucking sucked. I hated you.

[Guest/Producer]

I kind of like seeing someone not have having fun. Really? Yeah, because it gives me something to do.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Guest/Producer]

Because then I just start yelling jokes.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Guest/Producer]

And I'm like, I will break like an assassin.

[Trevor Wallace]

You go one by one.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

But once I break them, then I let the audience know. This guy fucking doesn't like me. Doesn't laugh. What's going to make you laugh? What do you want to talk about? And he said, you know, I mean it makes. It makes it kind of fun. It gets me out of my stupid.

[Michael Blaustein]

I guess I don't know what someone's going might be going through. Like he may got diagnosed with like stage four cancer.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Then we got a crowd work.

[Michael Blaustein]

Stage four cancer. I can use that. Yeah, that's good stuff. Keep going.

[Trevor Wallace]

How much longer do you have left, Right?

[Michael Blaustein]

I only got 15 too. All right, we'll time it perfectly.

[Mark Normand]

It's curtains for you. So wait, you guys are at the improv?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, we did the new Brooklyn Improv last night.

[Mark Normand]

It's pretty good. I did it last week. Yeah. Brand new. In the middle of nowhere.

[Michael Blaustein]

Where in Brooklyn is it?

[Mark Normand]

Williamsburg.

[Trevor Wallace]

Right next to Huxton Hotel.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's a cool room.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's seats 200. Got it upstairs and downstairs.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Sick.

[Guest/Producer]

It's got a cool little black box too. It was really fun. Like, cocoa is awesome. They treated it well. It was so fun.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, the green room's nice. It's world's colliding shower back there. Bathroom, you're in hipster Brooklyn. And then you walk in, there's a picture of Theo Vaughn. And you're like, you guys have no Idea. The demo. Theo Von and Joe Rogan are the first two, like, portraits you see. You know, they do those big ones on the wall, and I'm like, boy, you guys gotta get a Bam. Get a Marie Bamford and a Patton Oswald in here quick. We're in Williamsburg, folks.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, it's fun. You guys should definitely do it. I think they're gonna do, like, weekends

[Mark Normand]

and stuff there, so. Yeah, like.

[Michael Blaustein]

Like a headliner weekend.

[Trevor Wallace]

They're so new that they're kind of just like, we'll take whatever. Whatever fills the room.

[Mark Normand]

It sounds like a little bit where

[Trevor Wallace]

they're not too stickler on, like, it has to be a variety or not.

[Mark Normand]

I love the improv. I do think it's a bold choice to go put that fucker in midtown. But they got the free room. Not free, but they got a nice room out of it.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

I mean, it's on a side street, so it doesn't get a lot of foot traffic, but it is great.

[Mark Normand]

It's great.

[Michael Blaustein]

Parallel Williamsburg used to be dangerous. Now it looks like Paris. It's crazy. Colin Quinn used to have that bit about, you take the L train back in the day. You're going to get stabbed. Now it's like a ski lift. You know, you're right. It's just so safe and nice and I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it just comes out of nowhere, you know, it's like a warehouse. And you're like, improv.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But it's good room. They did a good job with it.

[Michael Blaustein]

When did you.

[Guest/Producer]

When did you perform there?

[Mark Normand]

I had, like, a week and a half ago. Okay. Just a showcase Tuesday night or something.

[Guest/Producer]

You will do anything.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Guest/Producer]

And I respect you. But you will do. And, I mean, I respect that choice. I respect you as a human, obviously, but you just do what? Like, I. It's.

[Mark Normand]

You should have seen me in college, sexually. It was horrifying.

[Michael Blaustein]

He had a fedora on his door.

[Mark Normand]

Her name was big. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

I'll see you on podcast. It'll be like, episode one. It'll be like the graveyard pod. And it's, like, out of, like, Penn State. And I'm like, just some random.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, just him and Sandusky.

[Trevor Wallace]

It'll be like the first episode they've ever done. It's like a college student, like, first guess Mark Norman. I'm like, how the do they get marked?

[Mark Normand]

Well, you know, I used to be real lonely on the road back in the day. You know, you'd be like, oh, you're doing a four Night, weekend. Trying to fill time was Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. So yeah, you're like, oh, this guy wants to hang out with me in the middle of the day on Sunday. I' what else am I doing?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So that's why I would do this.

[Trevor Wallace]

Would you? To cure it now?

[Mark Normand]

Now just too lazy. I got a kid and. And they don't really move the needle. So you end up like spending 40 bucks on an Uber there. Then the guy's like setting up. You gotta have lunch with them and hang out with them. Then you gotta Uber back. And you're like, that was my whole day. What am I doing?

[Trevor Wallace]

Like, drug deal.

[Guest/Producer]

We're just.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Trevor Wallace]

Waiting for it to happen, you know?

[Guest/Producer]

Right.

[Trevor Wallace]

Just get the thing going already.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

And you gotta have that. You gotta have time to ride on the road too. You gotta have.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Michael Blaustein]

For the show, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Totally. Yeah, boy. Remember drug deals? Remember waiting for the weed guy?

[Trevor Wallace]

I sold weed in eighth grade. So I. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, because I had a ninth grade friend, he was like my plug and he, he like broke me off like an ounce. He's like, this is your ounce to distribute. And I got punked by a guy who punked me, which is pretty funny.

[Mark Normand]

What do you mean? I give.

[Trevor Wallace]

In 8th grade, I give a guy 20 bucks to buy me weed.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

And on Sunday I gave it to him. He doesn't return my calls. No nothing. Monday morning we have math class together. Remedial math. We're both dumb. We're like like, you know, we're the eighth graders with sixth graders, so we're both dumb. And I'm like, hey, what happened? I gave you $20 for weed. Where did that go? And he was like, oh man, you know cops. And just, just never had any explanation.

[Guest/Producer]

You know cops.

[Trevor Wallace]

You know cops. But I'm such a. I'm not gonna say anything. And then like two months later, I start selling weed. And then he starts buying weed off of me.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, and then he called.

[Trevor Wallace]

I was selling out of my parents house and he called me. This is like on the weekend at like 1 in the morning. I meet him outside, I give him the whatever. And then he calls me like 10 minutes later. He's like, hey, this doesn't look like the amount I paid for. I'm bricks.

[Guest/Producer]

I don't have a scale.

[Trevor Wallace]

I'm in eighth grade.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Trevor Wallace]

I don't know what a gram is.

[Guest/Producer]

You're in remedial math.

[Mark Normand]

True.

[Trevor Wallace]

So I'm like, yeah, this looks like a gram. So he calls me, he's like, yeah, this doesn't look like a proper amount. He's outside with three other dudes. I'm like, I here's just a handful. The same guy that stole money from.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. I was just so nervous. I was like, I think it might be the worst. I'm too Jewish to be a drug dealer.

[Guest/Producer]

I think.

[Mark Normand]

Well, how'd you hide it from the folks? I mean, I think my mom would smell that. She'd go through my room.

[Trevor Wallace]

I had. I played a lot of paintball growing up and those bags, we had these like giant duffel bags and it just smelled like sweat and like.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

And I would just hide it in like under the paintballs, man.

[Mark Normand]

What are you, California kid? Yeah. Is that San Diego?

[Trevor Wallace]

Close enough.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Trevor Wallace]

You're like an hour outside of la. Like. You ever done like Oxnard?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, over there. Wow. What a lot. Paintball is a kid kid. Oh, I would have loved it.

[Trevor Wallace]

That was my adrenaline. That was like my dirt.

[Michael Blaustein]

Now the kids are ducking in schools for different reasons, unfortunately.

[Mark Normand]

But it's true.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's a pain ball if anything.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow. Paintball as a kid. What a life.

[Michael Blaustein]

I've done it once and it was fun as hell. They hurt. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Trevor Wallace]

Adrenaline, when you get hit, you're not really feeling it. Then the next day you kind of have like a welter.

[Guest/Producer]

You get to pick the color that you have.

[Trevor Wallace]

Kind of.

[Mark Normand]

Really kind of.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah. White. It's been great, man.

[Guest/Producer]

It's been a good run.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, you can pick the color paint or whatever. But yeah, it's fun.

[Guest/Producer]

I never shot a paintball.

[Mark Normand]

Never, Never done it.

[Guest/Producer]

Never do it.

[Trevor Wallace]

If you're ever on the road, one of those bum ass towns, like the most random towns have it and it is.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, but it's not going to move the needle.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, you can put a QR code on.

[Trevor Wallace]

But yeah, it's a random activity and it is pretty fun. But that's how I would get my adrenaline out as a kid is playing paintball. I played that for like four or five.

[Guest/Producer]

I just jerk off my closet to get my.

[Trevor Wallace]

I would do that too, but yeah, you know, that's a nighttime activity.

[Mark Normand]

No, not in my life.

[Guest/Producer]

It was just. It was just whenever I need were gooned up.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Day afternoon after eating.

[Trevor Wallace]

And you notoriously would just come on the ground and not clean it up. I don't know if you really.

[Mark Normand]

I do that in hotels.

[Guest/Producer]

Thank you. You're the.

[Michael Blaustein]

Where you live.

[Trevor Wallace]

He had his stain in his old apartment. His work desk where laptop. The Ground had a lake Michigan of semen.

[Mark Normand]

Just harded every word.

[Michael Blaustein]

Just going to fall through the floor

[Mark Normand]

catching the net of jizzling.

[Trevor Wallace]

Come on the floor. Yeah, there we go.

[Mark Normand]

There we go. Honestly, I might.

[Michael Blaustein]

Might be

[Mark Normand]

sperm.

[Michael Blaustein]

That guy was backed up. That guy. Holy.

[Mark Normand]

That's a lot. A lot. Damn.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's like Elmer's. That. That top left one. That's not even. That's a kidney stone.

[Mark Normand]

This is all evidence.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is crazy.

[Trevor Wallace]

Every producer laptop should be tested if

[Michael Blaustein]

it was on hbo.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Well, it only took us to get back to jizz.

[Trevor Wallace]

They had an actual. What is that? An actual sperm cell.

[Mark Normand]

That one looks fake. That's one of those poppers. I've like, these are. Some of these are fake.

[Guest/Producer]

But I would like to. I would like to hold on.

[Mark Normand]

You're the first.

[Guest/Producer]

I. I know jizz very well.

[Trevor Wallace]

You.

[Guest/Producer]

That's blood. Definitely blood. So you.

[Michael Blaustein]

You do that.

[Guest/Producer]

You're the first person that have ever jumped on board with me coming on the ground. No. Everyone else is like, dude, what are you coming to Sock? I come on the towel.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

On the ground, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, sure. It's a carpet.

[Guest/Producer]

That's what.

[Trevor Wallace]

Thank you.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm not behind that.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's like a sham.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Trevor Wallace]

It just absorbs it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

It's also. It's also like. It's carpet. It's also not my carpet. So, like it's fine.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, it's so easy to just come into a tissue though, isn't it?

[Guest/Producer]

No.

[Mark Normand]

That's my logic.

[Guest/Producer]

I like to be free.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

I like to just be free.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. We didn't have paintball. We had to. It's the only thing we could shoot. It was fun to, you know, let it fly.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Like a spider, man.

[Michael Blaustein]

Just funny to equate freedom is like, I'm gonna come wherever I feel like it, but isn't.

[Guest/Producer]

But think about those words. Isn't that the most freeing thing? Like this is America.

[Michael Blaustein]

Definitely don't tell this to a black guy.

[Guest/Producer]

He did. He couldn't pick his color.

[Mark Normand]

People.

[Michael Blaustein]

Damn, dude. No, that's crazy. I. I've never heard of this.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Coming on the floor.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, it's just.

[Mark Normand]

You never heard of this?

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, I mean, I believe it exists.

[Trevor Wallace]

Guy who definitely comes on the floor. My thought.

[Michael Blaustein]

I've come in the hand before when he really sex.

[Trevor Wallace]

Because I was too scared to finish on her. So respectful. I'd come in the hand and then I would just walk over to the sink.

[Michael Blaustein]

Gentlemen.

[Trevor Wallace]

Poor kid with.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's like porridge. Here you go. It just Felt too disrespectful, so I was like, I don't know. Here. I don't.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

What did you do with it in the sink? It's like Human Eucharist.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You could just. You could just clean it off. You clean it off clean.

[Trevor Wallace]

You know, But I. I'm just curious about the post. And I regret when you see nut

[Mark Normand]

on the floor and then it goes away quick.

[Guest/Producer]

It goes away.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Especially if the car. Because think about a hotel carpets. Yeah. Look at that.

[Mark Normand]

That's my jizz.

[Guest/Producer]

That is.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. I know that room well. That. That's a. That looks like a kid's room.

[Trevor Wallace]

Room.

[Mark Normand]

Like, I definitely know that room.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah. Every apartment I've ever had, and I didn't even know, but you're leasing them.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, an apartment.

[Guest/Producer]

No, not.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Oh, not.

[Guest/Producer]

Not now. I've been very, very good.

[Michael Blaustein]

There is a line.

[Mark Normand]

You're not getting that sperm deposit back.

[Guest/Producer]

No, I've been good at my current apartment, but my apartment before this, it. Wood floors. And he was. He was mentioning it. I literally brought this up. I brought this up on the pod.

[Mark Normand]

Not all. I didn't like Risky Business.

[Guest/Producer]

I swear, dude, I thought it was normal. I go, yeah, man. I had a weird moment. I was like. It was so backed up on the ground that I took a butter knife and I was starting to clean it. Chiseling away at using 409 wasn't working. And Trev goes, what the fuck are you. You come on the ground. And I was like, yeah, you don't. And it was this massive thing. But, yeah, I remember, dude. I was like. I was like a full adult with a butter knife.

[Michael Blaustein]

Definitely. Don't make me scrambled eggs after that. Jesus Christ.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

It was not my finest moment.

[Mark Normand]

Country cock. Jesus Christ.

[Michael Blaustein]

That is hilarious. We did it for years.

[Mark Normand]

Hard wood years.

[Michael Blaustein]

That is the problem with men. Like, when men are alone for too long, we will just do shit.

[Trevor Wallace]

Get so stuck in your ways. Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Literally on the ground. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You need a woman every once in a while to be like, what the fuck are you doing?

[Mark Normand]

I know that's good for you. Now let me ask you this. Uh. Oh. Buckle up, boys. You ever jizzed outside on grass? Hmm.

[Guest/Producer]

The only time I jizz on a golf course.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. That's the whitest story I've ever heard. Holy shit. How does that work?

[Trevor Wallace]

Hidden from the whites.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

But you're having sex, right?

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

DL 4. 4 inches.

[Trevor Wallace]

I jerked off once in a riverbank,

[Mark Normand]

but that was bad. Whoa. That's Pretty good.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

It was a.

[Trevor Wallace]

Me and three of my friends were all just walking a Taco Bell in high school. I'm like, what if we all just jerked off right now and we all went.

[Guest/Producer]

Whose idea was that?

[Trevor Wallace]

I don't know. But nobody combated it, so all three of us went, like, separate ways and just. No, this was like pre cell phones having Internet. So we're all just going into imagination.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa.

[Trevor Wallace]

Golden hour. Heading to Taco Bell, getting to Chalupa. And we're like, let's just try to all go jerk off.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you heard that?

[Trevor Wallace]

You're literally guy's brain.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. You're a kid. You're watching Wild Things. The lesbian scene comes on.

[Mark Normand]

Sure you know what we're doing?

[Trevor Wallace]

It's Friday night of Fear Factor. It's like, fear for you. I'm like, let's find out. That's probably the most random jerk.

[Michael Blaustein]

I used to have a bit about how me and my friends would jerk off together, and I was like, I got a killer new bit. And then I did in the Black Room. And they were like, what the fuck

[Mark Normand]

is wrong with you? I don't fuck with it.

[Michael Blaustein]

And I was like, this is. Is not.

[Trevor Wallace]

Did you do it in. In the urban room?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

How'd it go?

[Guest/Producer]

Not well.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really?

[Michael Blaustein]

A couple.

[Trevor Wallace]

Hell no.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, hell no.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's how you know it'll crush in a white room if you get a. Oh, hell no. Urban room. What was the premise on it?

[Michael Blaustein]

It was just how we would just jack off together and we'd pass a bottle of lotion around like it was a whiskey in the war. That was part of it, you know, Great.

[Guest/Producer]

Like in the same room.

[Mark Normand]

You didn't do that?

[Guest/Producer]

I never. I never do that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, yeah, we just use it, you know, out of respect. It's like you do the urinal guard. We use a pillow to kind of shield the penises.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, you guys were like, next to each other.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You got you.

[Trevor Wallace]

Hell, no. No, no.

[Guest/Producer]

I never.

[Mark Normand]

I never did that. Yeah, definitely did it.

[Trevor Wallace]

Separate rooms.

[Guest/Producer]

But why wouldn't you guys go into different rooms?

[Mark Normand]

Well, they only had one tv. It's Manhattan, baby. No square footage. Well, we had the Pamela sex tape showed up, so we had to do it. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

You guys, like, sell that around town, like a blockbuster?

[Mark Normand]

No, we kept it to ourselves. Like. Like Gollum. Really? Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

My friend's older brother had a Playboy, and he let my friend have it. And then he did the same thing. He gave me a pump of lotion ripped out A page. And here you go. That's like, this is the only page I get though the whole magazine. I get one page. It's like, do I gotta get the premium or something?

[Guest/Producer]

It's like youth ebt just.

[Trevor Wallace]

But it was so funny. He didn't even look. He's ripped it out. It's like it could have been the ads in the back, right? Going into a Leslie's pool supply. But I was just. Well, one palm in my hand.

[Michael Blaustein]

You hoped you got a cool bodega guy. When you're like 14, you're like, how do I fucking get. Cause you know, the Internet wasn't what it is now. So you go in, you're like, oh, dude, there's this Indian guy with a lazy eye. He works Tuesday through Thursday. He'll sell you like a club magazine or something. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But his eyes lazy.

[Guest/Producer]

So on the left side you could grab it. Cause he couldn't fucking see.

[Mark Normand]

Indian guy. When you're finished, he said, come again. Great. Had to do it.

[Trevor Wallace]

So that's where you'd get it. It was just like a. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And it was same shit. You kind of. You trade. You go, I got this one next.

[Guest/Producer]

Got this one next.

[Trevor Wallace]

Pokemon cards.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yes.

[Trevor Wallace]

Holographic. Like, didn't used to be. Seam and shining.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. When I was a kid, we, you know, pre Internet porn, we'd go to Bourbon street and you could just see tits.

[Trevor Wallace]

And then. Just keep that in your memory.

[Mark Normand]

Keep it up here. Spank bank. And it was. It was like, you know, real life. What do you call it? High def. High def tits.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You know, crystal clear. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

The first pair of tits I ever saw was at a water park in the wild.

[Mark Normand]

And like, whoa.

[Trevor Wallace]

There was a. Like a. There's a water bucket type thing that would just pour. And then this lady was standing under there. Didn't know she had a bra on. And I must have been like seven. The water bucket hit. It hit, just out. And she didn't really know. Immediately I was like. I felt like. I was like, you know. You know, Paul Revere was like, who do I tell about this?

[Mark Normand]

They're out.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Gift from God, it feels like. Thank you for this.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

That's how rare to. This one time I was on the highway, I was a kid, and I was probably like 12 with a bunch of other dudes driving around. And a woman was on the back of a Harley. Oh, grizzled, horrific. I mean, look like Salicies. And she just went. Saw us a car full of boys. And she was like, she had the pancake. Iest. Fucking leathery. Yeah. Just gross. Maybe some nipple hair. But we were like, that's like a

[Trevor Wallace]

female version of like the trucker.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

By the way, a guy does that. He's in prison.

[Mark Normand]

But true.

[Michael Blaustein]

A woman does that.

[Mark Normand]

You're like, all right, true. We loved her.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, it happened. I remember we were in school and there was a hotel across from our school. And there would just be women changing sometimes. And word would get around the class. You whisper to someone, you're like, hey, wow, dude, look. Tits. Tits. And the teacher would, you know, like, you keep whispering. Then finally, you'd always be the one kid to yell out, there's tits. And you're like, all right. So everyone would see it. And the teacher would usually be like, all right. That was cool.

[Trevor Wallace]

Every once in a while at the Comedy Store, is that hotel across, like the Pendry or something like that? Everybody's hanging on the patio. You'll see people fucking a lot.

[Mark Normand]

Really? Yeah. Hell yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's why everybody hangs out on the patio. You think it's for the drinks and the hang.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

When I worked. When I worked in New York. We're in New York. When I worked in New York in meatpacking district, there was a spice market, big hotel next to it, and I work outside. And literally one person would catch someone. The entire balcony would just turn and watch. The whole thing would stop.

[Trevor Wallace]

Shooting star. You have to look.

[Mark Normand]

You have to. Damn, that's fun. Oh, it's fun seeing people. It's. It could be homeless. You gotta stop. You gotta watch.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

You ever seen that on the trains? People?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't think I've seen. I've seen a lot of jacking.

[Mark Normand]

A lot of jacking, a lot of making out, a lot of grinding. You get some real grinding out there,

[Michael Blaustein]

you know, it's almost worse than seeing a guy. Jack on a train. Is someone with, like, smelly food. Like, pungent food is like.

[Mark Normand]

It's a lot.

[Trevor Wallace]

Just joking off. It's one shot. You can miss it.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is. Or the clipping. The toenails is the.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's like a thing.

[Mark Normand]

Is that the hotel?

[Guest/Producer]

What a great grab. This is literally it.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah. He used to live outside of there at a tent.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is from his actual camera.

[Guest/Producer]

How did you do this?

[Michael Blaustein]

I know that place. I go in there.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh,

[Michael Blaustein]

it's prime gooning spot. Dude.

[Guest/Producer]

This is bringing back so many.

[Trevor Wallace]

I mean, if you are homeless, that's where you hang out.

[Mark Normand]

Totally.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's where you could pop A dude. What a peek at a tit.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's smart. You cover the face, not the body.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Wow, look at that. Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Dude. And they just so much like. Just like.

[Trevor Wallace]

And what street is this on? Are you specific?

[Mark Normand]

It's on the west side.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's the Standard Hotel. It's actually kind of famous for this.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

People have sex there. They're exhibitionists. And they do do that.

[Mark Normand]

Ah, yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

The entire outside.

[Trevor Wallace]

What the. Imagine being a maid there. Why isn't this door opening? It's unlocked.

[Mark Normand]

Is there a hat on it?

[Trevor Wallace]

God damn, that's. That's something. If I found out as a kid, I would like, keep that my memory. And then when I go to New York first time, I'm like, we gotta go to the stand.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, yeah. My mom like, you. Let's go to rent. Like, shut the up Meat pack.

[Mark Normand]

You know, getting aid somewhere else. I don't get why. I think kids. This is just done. Kids don't give a about this. They got only fans. They got, you know, porn up kids

[Trevor Wallace]

more about probably like the birds and the bees. Like, if you were to give a kid it's birds and the bees. Like, they probably know more than a parent would.

[Mark Normand]

Totally, totally. They know, like, you know, anal stuff and rim job. I don't think our parents are eating that.

[Michael Blaustein]

Kids. Kids are hooking up in high school now. Like, stick a finger in my ass.

[Mark Normand]

You know, Exactly.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's probably so advanced.

[Guest/Producer]

What do you think the bases are now?

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, what's first base?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, what's.

[Guest/Producer]

Dude, what is.

[Mark Normand]

First is choking Now. I'm serious. I think

[Guest/Producer]

I haven't kissed anyone yet, but I choked the out of a lady.

[Mark Normand]

Hold on. What. Wait, what are the old bases? Just so I remember.

[Guest/Producer]

Okay, let's see. First is kiss.

[Michael Blaustein]

Second is feeling tits.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Guest/Producer]

Okay, third is finger.

[Trevor Wallace]

What about shortstop? What are we doing there?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's fedora.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, that's a queef. And third base is oral. I think. Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

[Trevor Wallace]

We've never had anybody say they had a home run.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're always like, I think fingering is basically third base. You're like. Like, it's. You're on, you're on.

[Trevor Wallace]

Maybe that's shortstop. You're in between second and third.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, right. Because it's. It's feeling finger, then fellatio. Okay, so yeah, sword stop. Is would be fingering. So where are we at now?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I mean, starting and choking.

[Mark Normand]

Choking. Second.

[Trevor Wallace]

Pegging.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Third is cuck yourself.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, it's like Furby, like, suck your own furry something.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Third base is just like. Here's Carl. This is my buddy. Let him do the work.

[Mark Normand]

Work. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Your parents walk in. That's getting picked off, by the way. Speaking of onlyfans, didn't you just do a skit with Sophie Rain?

[Guest/Producer]

No, no, absolutely not.

[Mark Normand]

Anyways, you were jerking your mind blurry.

[Trevor Wallace]

I don't think I was hilarious if it's. The one you're talking about was yesterday. It was a girl.

[Guest/Producer]

Cece.

[Mark Normand]

Oh.

[Trevor Wallace]

But I think they all kind of, you know, cross paths in some sense.

[Mark Normand]

You know what's beautiful about pre Internet, guys is you're on the west coast. You're on the east coast. I'm down south. South. What are you, New York?

[Guest/Producer]

No, I was Maryland, so East Coast.

[Mark Normand]

Okay. And we all knew the bases. It just traveled pretty global. How cool is that? You know, it's like we all knew about Richard Gere with the gerbil in the ass. Yeah, there's no. No, no one calls you.

[Michael Blaustein]

What are they doing? Like Europe or like. Because you're not. You don't do baseball in Europe. Right. What are their basis?

[Guest/Producer]

Soccer.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, like, yeah, you score, you know, midfield.

[Guest/Producer]

Right.

[Michael Blaustein]

What is that?

[Guest/Producer]

Holy. Dude. That's a great.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Guest/Producer]

One. What is it?

[Mark Normand]

Cricket. What is it?

[Michael Blaustein]

Cricket is Aussie, isn't it? I guess it's in Europe too.

[Mark Normand]

You can't go by soccer. You never get laid. They don't score.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's a great joke.

[Mark Normand]

There we go.

[Michael Blaustein]

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[Trevor Wallace]

the guys on one wheel scooters. You go see those guys around town?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

I'm like a one wheeler guy and I think I'm so cool. And then I invite her in my room and I'm taking so long taking off all my like helmets and shin pads right. That she's just like laying there and like, you know, just like a low cut shirt. And then she's like okay, I think I'm just gonna leave.

[Mark Normand]

Pull it up.

[Trevor Wallace]

Cuts to Ivan posted cuts to me just banging a one wheel. So I just, I, I I, I think those One Wheel guys really need more hate. And yeah, what does the One Wheel look like? They're like type in EU electronic.

[Mark Normand]

They, they roll on their own.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, they're really big in the LA culture.

[Michael Blaustein]

Salacuse isn't doing his job anymore because he's seen her tits.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, you're another one with this is

[Trevor Wallace]

the one I posted.

[Mark Normand]

Jesus.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's highbrow comedy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Trevor's like we're working on a movie together too right now. Just damn.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, just type in E, E, U

[Michael Blaustein]

C, euc One Wheel.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, sounds like a festival.

[Trevor Wallace]

But you ever seen these guys around town?

[Mark Normand]

No, Definitely.

[Trevor Wallace]

I feel like New York definitely has a lot of these guys.

[Mark Normand]

They're always decked out with crazy sunglasses, a lot of leather.

[Trevor Wallace]

But like there's so much that you have to wear that just living the rest of your life after you get off. It's going to be so annoying.

[Mark Normand]

Right?

[Guest/Producer]

Because they fall a lot.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. Cuz there's no, there's no like seat belt. Like if you get hit you're flying

[Mark Normand]

and you got to carry that around all night too. Heaviest at the bar.

[Guest/Producer]

Get a bike.

[Michael Blaustein]

What's, what is the purpose? I don't understand.

[Mark Normand]

It's a, it's a transportation.

[Michael Blaustein]

But is it like good? Is it like kind of a workout cuz you got a balance or what?

[Trevor Wallace]

They're fast as, yeah, they're fast and they, they, the, the community about them. They're, they're bobbing and weaving, they're doing everything. But I just think they need more

[Mark Normand]

hate and they love the attention.

[Trevor Wallace]

They feel really love the 360 cameras but they look like they're going Just full axioms. I mean, he's got a motorcycle, like, vest, shin guards and everything. And so I had to learn how to ride one of those for a sketch and then.

[Mark Normand]

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa. I'm still. I still can't even do the hoverboard. Did you.

[Michael Blaustein]

Did any part of you like it?

[Trevor Wallace]

That's the worst part. You're like, this is kind of sick.

[Guest/Producer]

I get it.

[Trevor Wallace]

And then you're googling where to get one and how to buy it used.

[Michael Blaustein]

But yeah, the thought, you become the thing you hate.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's how it's fun at times. I mean, I used to hate on ice bath guys so fucking much. I'm like, you guys are such losers.

[Mark Normand]

Cold plunge.

[Trevor Wallace]

But then I tried it. I'm like, I feel incredible. I feel like a dog after a bath. I watch one of sprint laps.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, the problem is so many comedians have horrible add and we like to on lame fads. But, like, this helps. Like, I'll be locked in for, like, two hours after I feel.

[Mark Normand]

Really? Have you ever done it? I can't. I'm weak. I'm weak with the cold.

[Guest/Producer]

You got to do it. It's like, oh, my. You feel.

[Mark Normand]

Feel.

[Guest/Producer]

You've never felt this feeling before.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Guest/Producer]

It's like coming out of the closet. It feels.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. It's a quick boost of, like, endorphins, which it just feels.

[Mark Normand]

I just put a toe in and I'm like, ah. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You just get through like two minutes of. Of suck for two hours of like, oh, flying. I feel great.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's great when you're on the road and you have a bunch of like, kind of haze from traveling and.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

I found a place in Denver, and then I did it once, and then we were doing a weekend there, so I just went every single day pre shows.

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Trevor Wallace]

You just feel great.

[Guest/Producer]

Great.

[Mark Normand]

All right.

[Trevor Wallace]

And a lot of those places are. They have a whole bunch of. So, like, loungy. Then there's like the saunas, the steam rooms.

[Mark Normand]

I love that.

[Trevor Wallace]

That type of.

[Guest/Producer]

Do you go sauna to cold or just.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I like both.

[Guest/Producer]

I mean, like, dude, I think that would be a good, like, first step into go sauna. Go like 20 minutes.

[Mark Normand]

Get, like, love sauna.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, but super duper hot. And then go into the cold. So, like, it doesn't. It doesn't hurt as bad.

[Mark Normand]

Whatever.

[Trevor Wallace]

And the opposite sauna takes too long. I'm sitting there in pain for 30 minutes. The ice bath, you're there hating yourself for two minutes. But then you feel great after. I'm just all about like whatever's on. Going quickest and fastest.

[Mark Normand]

Do you put the head in?

[Trevor Wallace]

I do, I do heads on.

[Mark Normand]

Whoa. Yeah. That feels dangerous.

[Guest/Producer]

Do at the end go four minutes. And then the last like 30 seconds. I just dunk it.

[Mark Normand]

Four minutes is an eternity in that thing.

[Guest/Producer]

But it like dude, like you have

[Michael Blaustein]

to do four minutes. You a minute the first time.

[Mark Normand]

All right, all right, all right. I'll do a minute.

[Michael Blaustein]

Do 30 seconds.

[Guest/Producer]

Just like sex. You start 30 seconds and you get

[Michael Blaustein]

to two minutes, you know, and then you go to children. It's fine. It's hold on, guy who takes over the coming. No. And then you. Dude. Well, anything else you've trashed that. Then you were like this is kind of cool.

[Trevor Wallace]

Cyber truck. I made a video about how annoying those guys are. Cuz it's all like tech bros who want to be like alpha guys. It's very like vest and all that. And I just, I. I think they look awful. They look like a doorstopper. And then I was driving one for the video and once you're in the car you're like, oh, it's kind of sick.

[Mark Normand]

Oh really?

[Trevor Wallace]

The inside feels cool. It feels like you know, an open truck. Like it feels like a. Like a modern day truck is pretty.

[Mark Normand]

Can you pull up the interior? I've never seen it.

[Guest/Producer]

Just going to say I've never seen the inside.

[Michael Blaustein]

It is bo. Bulletproof too, right?

[Trevor Wallace]

The doors are heavy as I think.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think there was that one flip up. But then. Yeah, but there's that guy. Have you seen that guy on social whatever on all the social medias who he'll shoot bullets through everything. Different gauge bullets. You've never seen this guy. He's like we're gonna start with like, you know, whatever he works up to like a, to like a.45. Then he. Then he does like a slug.

[Mark Normand]

Is it Alec Baldwin?

[Michael Blaustein]

No, he just did it once. But yeah. No. And he couldn't penetrate it. So.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Damn. Look at that. It's pretty sleek in there.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's kind of, kind of cool. But it. But you feel like big on the road so I get that allure to it. I saw a tweet that was so funny. That was like. You've never seen a family in a cyber truck.

[Mark Normand]

Damn.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's weird cuz. Elon Musk hasn't seen his family either.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, good point. He's got 19 kids. Wow. All right.

[Michael Blaustein]

Does he have I think 13, I think. Let's look it up.

[Trevor Wallace]

He's running out of names.

[Mark Normand]

Well, yeah, not really.

[Guest/Producer]

He just goes 1 to 13.

[Trevor Wallace]

Qrx code.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

You haven't seen this guy, dude. Oh, this isn't the guy though.

[Mark Normand]

14 children. 14. Wow.

[Trevor Wallace]

And how many different baby mamas? Four.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's actually not that bad.

[Trevor Wallace]

What's that average? Three. Three point.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know how to do that.

[Trevor Wallace]

3.25 per.

[Michael Blaustein]

So I mean Thanksgiving is going to be weird, but.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Michael Blaustein]

But Nick Cannon's. I feel like it's a lot of different baby mamas.

[Mark Normand]

He's got 12, I think. Jesus Christ.

[Trevor Wallace]

12 baby mamas are kids, kids, kids.

[Guest/Producer]

I mean that's a whole basket. Like that's a basketball team.

[Michael Blaustein]

Like that's a roster.

[Guest/Producer]

That is a really.

[Michael Blaustein]

With a deep bench. That's crazy.

[Guest/Producer]

That's OKC for sure.

[Trevor Wallace]

Good for him.

[Mark Normand]

So the cyber truck, it feel. It's fast as hell too.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, it's.

[Trevor Wallace]

Dude, it's like 0 to 63 seconds or something stupid. I mean all those cars. I had a Tesla beforehand. It's ridiculous. It's stupid.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, there's no. It's just all pickup.

[Trevor Wallace]

There's like no iPad on wheels. And it's just, it's. It just feels dangerous driving them fast because they don't feel like a car that has like the. The grounding and the terrain. You're just floating.

[Michael Blaustein]

Are they considered safe cars or. No?

[Mark Normand]

I don't know. Tesla is for sure. Yeah, Tesla definitely.

[Michael Blaustein]

Every car. Volvo used to be their whole thing like we're safe and now it's like every car is pretty safe.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. But it's weird cuz Tesla features so much on the like the features. It's like. Yeah, you can put a fireplace on your dashboard. I don't trust the safety. If you're like putting a fireplace.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. They have fart noises on that thing. It's weird. But I have a 52 year old car. Are you leaving?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right, take it easy.

[Michael Blaustein]

About to go.

[Trevor Wallace]

Goon.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, he's going to that hotel. I have an old BMW and the I drive this thing on the highway and it really shakes and jitters. There's no airbags, barely a seat belt belts. You can't believe like old ladies were driving these.

[Guest/Producer]

God damn power steering.

[Mark Normand]

No. God no. No power steering.

[Guest/Producer]

Was it to.

[Mark Normand]

When you're moving it's fine. But when you're like parallel parking and doing that, it's embarrassing. But just the fact that that was a normal car in 1973 is wild.

[Guest/Producer]

Do you have any updates? I know you can take an old car and then put some, like, modifications on it to make it more modern. Do you have any of that?

[Mark Normand]

No, nothing. I should do this, that. But I like the original.

[Michael Blaustein]

Get airbags in there or something.

[Mark Normand]

I don't know if it could do it. I don't know.

[Trevor Wallace]

Airbags in it?

[Michael Blaustein]

No. Golly.

[Guest/Producer]

Did I miss, Did I miss. Do you have ac? Did I miss this?

[Mark Normand]

No ac.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh.

[Mark Normand]

What? Does it have an engine? Got an engine, a steering wheel.

[Michael Blaustein]

Damn, dude.

[Guest/Producer]

I mean, they look. The car looks super sick, but driving it, I mean, it's wild. It's a nightmare.

[Trevor Wallace]

And do you like drivers? Like, like a Connecticut gig or something?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, Long Island, Connecticut, upstate.

[Michael Blaustein]

But you took it to, to Jersey recently?

[Mark Normand]

Jersey. Many times. But this is my, my ice bath. You're in that thing. You're alive. You're, like, looking out everywhere. You're not texting, you're. You're, you feel the transmission and everything.

[Michael Blaustein]

Airbag. You're gonna be cold soon.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'll be on ice.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

But, yeah, it's, Boy, it's crazy. It's crazy driving that thing. You are, you are operating that machinery.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, dude, I love the look of old cars. But the problem is just like, you get into it and you're like, cool. There's no ac. I can't, like, it's just, I, I.

[Trevor Wallace]

Backup camera. Yeah, yeah, like the cassette player for music or something.

[Mark Normand]

I gotta, I think I got a cassette player.

[Michael Blaustein]

Did you buy tapes for that?

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's kind of a cool idea. I used to buy old tapes, like, get like Robert Klein, child of the 50s. Like, this is kind of cool.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know, but, yeah, why not? I bet they buy them somewhere.

[Mark Normand]

Good idea. It's got a little radio, so I play some AM, but I usually just go AirPods.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

You're making it more dangerous.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Guest/Producer]

And you got no noises.

[Mark Normand]

I've run it over a few kids.

[Trevor Wallace]

And then other than that, you're just taking training or you're biking around or.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I'm a big city bike guy. City bike's the best way to get around this town.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, you just rent them?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you just park it at the, at the club. Walk right in. It's great.

[Trevor Wallace]

You just didn't track people like Mark Norman.

[Mark Normand]

Sometimes. Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, it's got to be super on a city bike.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, they swerve into me.

[Michael Blaustein]

I hate to be that guy, but you got to wear a helmet on those things. And people are psychos.

[Mark Normand]

Gotta get a helmet, you know?

[Michael Blaustein]

But you don't do it.

[Guest/Producer]

And it.

[Mark Normand]

I had a doing.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, okay.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

So you got to bring your own helmet. Byo.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Then you're that guy. You walk into a club, you're like,

[Trevor Wallace]

look at the dude.

[Guest/Producer]

The guy walking into a place with a motorcycle helmet.

[Trevor Wallace]

Makes me one.

[Guest/Producer]

I know.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Trevor Wallace]

But that's why it's so ridiculous because they also have full padding up their arms and legs. Sometimes like chest plate. And then the helmet, like imagine doing spots in that thing. You just got to go on stage, dress like an ice agent. People.

[Michael Blaustein]

People die all the time.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Michael Blaustein]

I mean head injuries, man.

[Mark Normand]

Man, I got doored once the guy opened the door. That's what I mean.

[Michael Blaustein]

You.

[Trevor Wallace]

That's why I fault for that. Him, obviously.

[Mark Normand]

No, it was me. I was really. I was just on the road. I wasn't your AirPods in.

[Michael Blaustein]

You're on a.

[Trevor Wallace]

That doesn't. Oh, because I guess technically you're hitting him.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, he was opening a door to get out and I was in the wrong spot on the street.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, he like wasn't in a bike lane. He was just in the street.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Be in a bike lane, dude.

[Guest/Producer]

I love a good. I love a good bike ride. I don't do it every but when I used to live in Harlem, I would. My buddy, my roommate had a bike. I would steal it. I would be out for two hours. So fun. Just the wind in your hand.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh my God.

[Trevor Wallace]

Also, one ways don't matter. Correct. Any street is a two way street.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Trevor Wallace]

Do you ever see that guy online? I think he's in.

[Michael Blaustein]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

[Trevor Wallace]

You know those friends who support your preference for podcasts over music on road trips? That's the energy State Farm brings to insurance. With over 19,000 local agents, they help

[Mark Normand]

you find the coverage that fits your

[Trevor Wallace]

needs so you can spend less time worrying about insurance and more time enjoying the ride. Download the State Farm app or go

[Mark Normand]

online@state farm.com like a good neighbor.

[Trevor Wallace]

State Farm is there. New York guy. He like streams all his bike rides in the bike lane.

[Mark Normand]

He's always yelling at people, oh no,

[Trevor Wallace]

get out of the bike lane. Great places step. He's such a cuck. And I hope he gets hit by a car. Lives and lives, but what a God. He pisses me off so much and I hate that.

[Mark Normand]

On your right.

[Michael Blaustein]

On your right.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. And then like if somebody's going down the bike land but like the wrong way starts yelling at him.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I'm sure this Guy's yelled at me before.

[Michael Blaustein]

So funny that, like, it's. That's how he gets a clip. He's like, look at this piece of. He's like, clip it.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah. We brought up on our pod. That was like. Because he probably did it not wanting, content. He did it one time. He got. It went crazy viral. And he was like, okay, I guess

[Michael Blaustein]

this is what I do.

[Guest/Producer]

And then he just, he goes out, you know, like, we tape our sets. This motherfucker just goes out at 8,

[Mark Normand]

9 in the morning, being like, all

[Guest/Producer]

right, time to yell fucking comments at Jews. And then he just like, but what if.

[Mark Normand]

See, that's when you become what you hate. Because now you have to wait for the guy to fuck up so you can get a clip.

[Guest/Producer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

That's no good.

[Trevor Wallace]

He's just like fishing. Essentially.

[Mark Normand]

He's fishing.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's what everyone does. They do one fucked up. Because this thing rewards confrontation and conflict. You do one fucked up thing, it goes viral. And then you're like, I'll be that guy.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. You know, all of a sudden you're sitting in your car eating a sandwich at four in the morning because it went viral once. Now you're that guy. Now you're the car.

[Michael Blaustein]

So enough about Gary Veder eating a turkey. Ruben, he's like, this has got to

[Mark Normand]

work for me, man.

[Guest/Producer]

What is he doing?

[Michael Blaustein]

He's great. He's great. I fuck with him all the time. Oh, he's the best.

[Mark Normand]

Got a new kid. He's got three kids now.

[Michael Blaustein]

Three.

[Guest/Producer]

He's halfway to canon. You guys can do.

[Mark Normand]

He's more of an 8 millimeter. I don't know about a cannon.

[Michael Blaustein]

I saw a clip of Trevor doing a gig and you had a teacher in the crowd. Yeah, that was crazy. It was a high school teacher.

[Trevor Wallace]

Seventh grade. Seventh grade teacher. Yeah. I got a DM the night before that was like, you probably won't see this. I don't know if you remember me, but I'm, you know, your seventh grade teacher. I'm going to be at my show. Be at your show with. With my son. And that was all I said. I said, awesome, see you there. Like, I didn't put on the guest list or anything. And just in a transition of jokes, I was just like, I got a dm. Like, is she actually here?

[Mark Normand]

Wow.

[Trevor Wallace]

In the way back and. And the funny part is in the clip, she was so nice and so loving to me and was like, really genuine about being proud. But I was like texting my friends. I was like, she was Kind of a. She was like, really mean to me.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

In seventh grade.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe that was her plan all along, dude. Those, like, fucking right like that.

[Trevor Wallace]

You know how rappers had those stories being like, my teachers never said I'd be shit and maybe this was my version of it. But yeah, she was hard on me.

[Guest/Producer]

Thought that, though.

[Trevor Wallace]

What's up?

[Mark Normand]

I said, I mean, probably.

[Trevor Wallace]

But yeah, this was. This was a fun moment.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, wow. Look at how many comments and likes this blew up.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, this. This was cool, man. This was. Hopefully the other ones do it.

[Mark Normand]

I remember she was kind of attractive, so I can't remember what she can't imagine seventh grade, she must have been even hotter.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, she definitely was. But she. She was a little feisty. But yeah, half the comments, there's dudes like going into her be like, if she looks like that now, what she look like back in the day?

[Mark Normand]

Oh, that's exactly what I just said.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

This is crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Wait, what venue is this?

[Trevor Wallace]

This is Grand Prairie out by Dallas.

[Mark Normand]

Is that a casino?

[Trevor Wallace]

No, it's like a mega church or some.

[Mark Normand]

It looks like a mega church.

[Michael Blaustein]

What it is.

[Trevor Wallace]

But they had a big church there. It's like the church. We couldn't load in until later in the day because the church had it reserved. And when we were loading in, all the church guys like, hey, love your stuff. I'm like, I don't think. But yeah, that was. That was a fun moment. And I totally.

[Michael Blaustein]

It was.

[Trevor Wallace]

It worked out really well. And she was just really. She was genuinely very nice and like.

[Michael Blaustein]

But she was mean to you when you were a kid?

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, she was really mean to me.

[Michael Blaustein]

What kind of.

[Trevor Wallace]

Just because I wasn't the smartest kid, obviously. Selling weed and just like, kind of. I would just talk and she would just feel like she would single me out. It'd be like somebody else was talking. She'd be like, trevor, stop with that. And I literally did see her buying a handle of booze one day after class. We talk about in this clip and she like, hit it it. But it's so weird when you see teachers outside of their element just living normal lives. Like, she has every right to buy a handle of absolute true. But you see it and you're like, oh, right, Degenerate.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

She could have been going to a party, but a handle does

[Trevor Wallace]

school, like 3pm wow. This was because there was a CVS we'd go to right after class and she. We saw her literally right after school. So I mean, who knows? I mean, as an adult, she's probably going to some dude.

[Guest/Producer]

If I was teaching of special needs kids, I.

[Trevor Wallace]

Excuse me, dude.

[Guest/Producer]

I would be drinking my face off.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Now with the shootings, he needs to take off, you know? But wait a minute.

[Trevor Wallace]

I'll be drinking milk for stronger bones.

[Guest/Producer]

Superman Bones. Charlie Kirk. Sorry.

[Mark Normand]

Thank God you. You saw her get that vodka. Because otherwise, what would the clip be? You know, be like, good to see you. I know.

[Trevor Wallace]

Hey, what a random. And I wonder if there's like those, you know, Michael and I always talk about. We're like, there's no way this life is just real like that. You know, it's like. Do you think that memory that I vividly remember from seventh grade was to be like, in the future, you're gonna need that.

[Mark Normand]

You know what I mean? Yeah. Interesting.

[Trevor Wallace]

Like there's a reason I remember that, but I don't remember my mom's maiden name. I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

I do know my mom keeps hers. She won't use my dad's.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, feminist.

[Mark Normand]

Big feminine.

[Michael Blaustein]

Old school.

[Mark Normand]

Old school feminists aren't abbreviation. No, no.

[Trevor Wallace]

I always thought was so cool in middle school. Then you realize you're like, this is a pussy dad. You'd see a football player with two on the back that looks so sick. Then you're like, these are two parents who won't merge.

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Michael Blaustein]

They're at a standstill. Did May take your name?

[Mark Normand]

No.

[Michael Blaustein]

How did.

[Mark Normand]

She said it was because of the. The paperwork is annoying. Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

My wife sounds like an excuse.

[Trevor Wallace]

What's her last name?

[Mark Normand]

Plannered.

[Trevor Wallace]

Like planet with an R. You gotta go. Norman.

[Mark Normand]

You think? I think Norman.

[Guest/Producer]

Great last name. Really?

[Michael Blaustein]

I like it.

[Mark Normand]

It's great.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's well rounded. It's quick and simple.

[Mark Normand]

Okay.

[Michael Blaustein]

You guys aren't. Neither of you are married? No. No.

[Guest/Producer]

My last name sucks, so.

[Mark Normand]

That's a tough name.

[Michael Blaustein]

You know, I had a speech therapist when I was like, a really little kid named Dr. Blaustein. And it's like the most cruel name for a kid with a lisp.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I can't fucking say this name.

[Trevor Wallace]

You had a lisp growing up.

[Mark Normand]

A what?

[Trevor Wallace]

You had a lisp growing up?

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, I mean, it was. But it was like. Was like, is that crazy? You can. Five or six.

[Mark Normand]

I didn't know you had a list.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, like a child. Yeah, like five or six years old.

[Trevor Wallace]

A lot of kids at that. Then you just outlist them. Yeah. You're just like, doing. I don't know how. How do you get over it?

[Guest/Producer]

You just say red leather a lot.

[Michael Blaustein]

They'd be like, if you. If you say this word right, you get a pack of baseball cards.

[Mark Normand]

I'm like, I'm working so hard on this.

[Michael Blaustein]

I want a Ken Griffey rookie.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really? They would just do that?

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, totally.

[Trevor Wallace]

Say the word crisp. Yeah. That was like the one thing that you could just overcome. There wasn't much else you could overcome.

[Mark Normand]

A stutter you can get rid of.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, Drew lynch is faking it.

[Trevor Wallace]

You could probably lean into it. Definitely.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, for sure.

[Guest/Producer]

How long did it take you to get over it? Do you remember?

[Michael Blaustein]

I was so young. I don't.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know.

[Trevor Wallace]

How many packs of cards did it take you to get over it? That's the time frame.

[Michael Blaustein]

Probably a lot of packs.

[Guest/Producer]

Can you get rid of a Sutter?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, there's no universal instant. Well, instant, yeah, for sure.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's pretty cool. You just get rid of it.

[Mark Normand]

They say a lot of it is Tron drama.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Like, you know, your priest jerks off, you start being like, more gooning a lot of shit. I was a bedwar that was all drama, apparently. Oh, wow. I went late 13, 14. When I went to college, I would black out from drinking and I'd wet the bed again. So like, kickback in.

[Trevor Wallace]

Damn.

[Michael Blaustein]

You ever do it in a one night stand?

[Mark Normand]

Many times.

[Michael Blaustein]

Really? Blame it on her.

[Mark Normand]

God.

[Michael Blaustein]

You push her in it. You're like, oh, my God, you're disgusting.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, I made you that wet.

[Trevor Wallace]

Had that happen to me in college and she blamed it on me. And I was like, I'm wearing boxers and they're perfectly dry.

[Mark Normand]

Dang.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. She woke up, was like, it wasn't me.

[Mark Normand]

Who else? That's rare in women.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

If you wake up. If you wake up, it wasn't me. It was for sure you.

[Mark Normand]

It was you.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

My boxes were perfectly dry.

[Mark Normand]

So what happened?

[Trevor Wallace]

Just in college, I still was just happy that I even hit. So, you know, I'm like, I just threw away the, like the target matches topper. And then I was like, all right.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. I would have to send flowers. And after. It was very embarrassing.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really? That often?

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it was a thing.

[Trevor Wallace]

Damn.

[Mark Normand]

And my friends knew it. So they'd like, should have just made up a lie.

[Trevor Wallace]

It means like I. It means I like you.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, it's good luck.

[Trevor Wallace]

You know, you pet a dog too hard, starts to pee or like we had a friend growing up.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's some in Mice and Men right there.

[Mark Normand]

Really?

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't know. I've never fed a dog that hard.

[Trevor Wallace]

We had a friend, and growing up, he brought his dog to show and tell, and he told the whole class. He's like, please don't pet him too much. Like, he'll pee. So then, like, so many middle schoolers ran up and just started the weird kids.

[Mark Normand]

Like, it goes out of here. I'm giving a dog a boner. Never pee.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I pet a dog so much that he came, but never. I'm like, good boy.

[Mark Normand]

That's a good boy.

[Michael Blaustein]

What? So you guys, do you think you're gonna get married at some point or not?

[Trevor Wallace]

Hopefully.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, that's a goal.

[Mark Normand]

Well, you guys are younger, huh?

[Trevor Wallace]

33.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, 33. Yeah. You got plenty of time.

[Trevor Wallace]

What about you?

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm 39.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Marriage in sight.

[Michael Blaustein]

Marriage and not in sight. But I'd like to at some point, I think. I think. I think you gotta just, you know, be a.

[Guest/Producer]

You gotta do it. You gotta do it.

[Mark Normand]

Do you have to do it as a married man?

[Guest/Producer]

Weird man.

[Mark Normand]

I guess. I guess. I don't know.

[Trevor Wallace]

I just want to be, like, 60, still on stage. Big dating's tough.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

How many of these hours, if anything, for the act?

[Trevor Wallace]

I know. That's why you have a kid for the act, huh?

[Mark Normand]

Pretty much, yeah. It helps you get 20 minutes out of the gate with a kid. Yeah. Damn. Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Got to, man.

[Michael Blaustein]

How old are you?

[Guest/Producer]

40.

[Michael Blaustein]

Okay.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, but I feel like you just. You just get to a point where, like, I mean, I just want to reset what I just said, but, like, I think you start getting weird. Like, you're, like, you start feeling.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, you know, we heard the jerk off on the floor story. No, I think you're right, though. I think you gotta. At some point, you gotta reel it in. At some point. You also just.

[Guest/Producer]

I. I mean, I have this current feeling, like, what the am I doing all this for?

[Michael Blaustein]

What am I. What am I?

[Guest/Producer]

What am I on the road to 50?

[Mark Normand]

Well, you love it, too.

[Guest/Producer]

I do love it. But, like, you. You build and you're like, what am I building for? Like, I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

You got a great life. Yeah. You're a lucky guy. You know what? We're killing it. I'm just saying. Live, damn it. Live now, while you can.

[Trevor Wallace]

Do you think New York embraces the kind of, like, single.

[Mark Normand]

Definitely. Definitely.

[Trevor Wallace]

All the way up.

[Mark Normand]

It's just David Tell is the, you know, poster boy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

So. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

But I feel like it's almost like it's not glorified, but it's a sense of, like, that it's just so normal and regular or something where it's like Every comic over 40 in LA is married.

[Michael Blaustein]

I feel like.

[Mark Normand]

Oh yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Older New Yorker. They're like, you know, there's like also Jim Gaffigans and stuff here. There's other.

[Trevor Wallace]

There's. I'm painting with a broad brush here. But it does feel like there's a lot of guys who are just like.

[Mark Normand]

Well, New York is very like individual. Get out of my way. You know, I'm doing my thing. And LA is a little more.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, you can have a house in LA more easily than in New York. New York's a lot of apartments. But I mean, yeah, if you're 40

[Guest/Producer]

alone in a house in LA, you're two years away from killing yourself. So you need someone.

[Mark Normand]

You hear that Marin?

[Michael Blaustein]

I was thinking Bill Maher, if you beat me too.

[Mark Normand]

But.

[Michael Blaustein]

But Damn, dude. Yeah, LA is more conducive for that. But also New York, it's so easy to be selfish because like you know, you don't have to worry about. I guess you can Uber in LA now too. I'm thinking in old fashioned terms but like you just get hammered in a bar, just stumble home. It's so easy to.

[Trevor Wallace]

It feels like you're always in the playground a little bit. When you make it, you just move. What to like the 80th street which is still kind of.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Trevor Wallace]

Chile Reno's but it's still kind of like in that realm of like smaller living or like not so much house.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Also New York is trying to get you. It's like constantly spitting you out. Like you can't get a car in a garage here. You can't get a driveway here. So like all that shit is hard. Like I have a kid and I have a car in a garage and I think like go get it.

[Michael Blaustein]

So fucking expensive.

[Mark Normand]

So it's so expensive to house it there. It's just. It's trying to get you to not have any people here. You know what I mean?

[Trevor Wallace]

So where do you park your car? Just like a rant.

[Mark Normand]

I park it under a Target and Brooklyn.

[Trevor Wallace]

Really?

[Mark Normand]

And like a parking garage.

[Trevor Wallace]

But do you don't live in Brooklyn.

[Mark Normand]

I do. Oh, I do.

[Trevor Wallace]

So it's relatively close.

[Mark Normand]

It's relatively close. But it's weird cuz I'm like going to Target to get my car, you know.

[Guest/Producer]

Think about just living outside of New York.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. All right. A lot of people do that eventually. But I don't know, it's kind of. Kind of giving up.

[Trevor Wallace]

Go out there, then move back yeah,

[Michael Blaustein]

but it wasn't his choice. He's out there.

[Trevor Wallace]

Maybe we won't go there.

[Michael Blaustein]

I know. I think he didn't admit it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Now I'm curious.

[Mark Normand]

Of course.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't think. I don't think it's a secret. No, no, no. He's out there with the family. I think that she wanted to go out there, and he was like. He didn't. He didn't fight hard enough. I don't know.

[Mark Normand]

And my thing is, if you're gonna live outside of New York, just go to Florida or something. By that point, you know, it's either New York or nothing to me.

[Guest/Producer]

You can live, like, a little bit outside. You have a car, you have a driveway you can drive in. Takes 35 minutes, whatever it is.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

People say that and you just never see them again.

[Trevor Wallace]

We did this pod when you. He was in Staten Island.

[Mark Normand]

He's like, it's not bad.

[Trevor Wallace]

I just rack up spots in a night.

[Michael Blaustein]

And then it was bad for us who had to visit him in Staten Island.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

What it take you 20 minutes to get here? Try an hour and a half.

[Mark Normand]

Chris. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Hey, sorry. Running a little late. Going to be there tomorrow.

[Mark Normand]

And you get there and he's got nine kids he's feeding, and you're like, all right, I guess we got to wait for that. He's. He's fe.

[Guest/Producer]

Like, it's an orphanage.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

I mean, we did walk into a chaos. We went to. It was.

[Mark Normand]

Hey.

[Trevor Wallace]

But it fits his mentality.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, completely.

[Trevor Wallace]

And it. Yeah, it feeds off it.

[Mark Normand]

Totally.

[Guest/Producer]

I could. I can't do. I. I'm so full of anxiety. I. There's no way I could do what kids. Well, just like that, invite, like, I just. I just.

[Michael Blaustein]

Would you like that? You like the calm?

[Guest/Producer]

I have to have it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

But I will say the calm of la, in terms of motivating to, like, write new stuff. It was definitely, like, a learning curve, because I live in New York. York. I mean, with you guys for freaking, like, eight, nine years. And you get used to, like. You start in New York, so you get used to the chaos. You get used to, like, writing like that. And then when I moved to la, I was like, I haven't wrote a new bit in two months. What's happening?

[Trevor Wallace]

Too calm.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Life is too perfect.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You're on a treadmill here, but in la, you can just. You're in a hot tub.

[Trevor Wallace]

You got to make your own commotion in la.

[Mark Normand]

Right, right, right.

[Trevor Wallace]

Here it's one block and you're like, great, dude.

[Guest/Producer]

Are we talking about, like, I. I'm like, I. I'm, like, sequestered in my apartment. I don't. You don't need to leave now.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Guest/Producer]

Everything to my house. Like, I pick my head up at 7pm I haven't even, like, put my head outside. Yeah, you go get a coffee. There's a homeless guy jerking off inside your asshole. You're like, okay, I got a new bit.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I don't think you need a struggle to be funny, but you need, like, comfort is the enemy of fun. If you're too comfortable, it's. I mean.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

And you get more and more, like, you go, oh, you live in Santa Monica. See ya. That's. That's like a half hour. I'm not doing that. You're like, damn, I go a half hour on a subway every day.

[Guest/Producer]

Yes.

[Mark Normand]

To get to the city. So, like, you guys just start getting more and more secluded.

[Michael Blaustein]

I think that's probably why you do so much weird shit on the road. Like all these podcast years. Like, I don't want to get comfortable here.

[Mark Normand]

No, you might be right.

[Michael Blaustein]

Maybe there's some of that.

[Mark Normand]

I think you got something there.

[Michael Blaustein]

But still doing bad gigs every once in a while because, like, there's a part of me that's like, I don't want to do a shitty gig. You know, the bad gigs will come up unexpected anyway. Why am I going into a gig that's good, but sometimes you got to go. And you're like, no, let me see if I can turn this. Let me see if I could, you

[Trevor Wallace]

know, in a sense of just doing, like, a random show you hit up to do or.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. And you're like, this could be a tough room. This could be good for me. You know?

[Mark Normand]

And it shakes you up a little, gets you on your toes where you're like, oh, man, I had to. Like, I was in autopilot for a while.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Nothing makes you want to write harder than a bomb.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah. That autopilot shit, you're like, am I just funny in front of my own fans?

[Mark Normand]

Right.

[Guest/Producer]

I will eat a gun if that's the case.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I can't do that. I know I say this all the time, and I hope he doesn't get offended, but, like, Louie will go up at these random clubs unannounced and eat. Eat it for like three months.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's pretty cool.

[Mark Normand]

Before you know it, he's murdering with that same stuff.

[Trevor Wallace]

And he's really workshopping it up there.

[Mark Normand]

Workshop and to silence. No offense, Lou, but eventually it starts cooking and then it starts gelling and then he's killing the grocery store.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yesterday I was with a girl. I run into him and we're just chatting for a while and then she was like, oh, who is that? Like some guy who lives in your building. I was like, that was fucking Louis Seko. And she goes, the red haired guy, but he has gray hair now.

[Trevor Wallace]

I'm like, he got older, stressed out this past decade.

[Mark Normand]

That's the thing. If she's a young girl seeing that guy walk on stage, he's like, who's this weirdo? Is this the Ayatollah? What the is this?

[Guest/Producer]

But he was.

[Trevor Wallace]

I mean, it's not like, okay, it's not like dead silence, you're saying when he's going up there.

[Michael Blaustein]

But you know, it's his way of just. That's how he. Everyone writes their own way. Like some people like to cushion the new bits, to give it a running start. Louie Lou's like, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna embrace the silence. So it is fun to watch.

[Mark Normand]

It is.

[Michael Blaustein]

Cuz you're like, wow. He doesn't. He'll just him in the corner ones. And I just, I'm watching because I'm just kind of like, I want to see it. And he just kind of turned to me and smiled. After a hard bomb, I'm like, wow, this is like some Obi Wan shit.

[Mark Normand]

It is. I start spazzing after like the, the no laughs for, you know, a couple minutes. You're like, this is crazy.

[Guest/Producer]

These four people, I respect that. So hard when, like, it is the Obi Wan thing, it's like he doesn't care. And like, I, I, I one day hope to like, not give a fuck. I know you, man. After, like, after a minute of a new bit that's doing like a C minus, I'm like, oh, God, where are you from?

[Trevor Wallace]

Like, jump off points with each bit. There's like, you could end it here or you keep pushing. I saw you said a clip. That was great. That was like, just keep pushing for one or two more lines after.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes.

[Trevor Wallace]

Which I think about often. But I saw Bird doing new material night, which is so cool because he's just, no matter how big you get in comedy, he's still like, notepad. He goes, all right, let's see if this works. And then just puts in his pocket. It's like, no matter how big, that's still the same shit you see at an open mic. Yeah, obviously he's Bill Burger. He's a genius. But it's the art form of it

[Mark Normand]

is still so simple. Well, they say you never know until you know. Even if you're at that level, you have a good sense of what's funny, what's gonna hit, but you still never know completely.

[Guest/Producer]

But that's why this is. That's why I love this so much. Cause you don't know. You can. If you get complacent, there is no, like, oh, I got it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, you don't have it.

[Guest/Producer]

You never know if you have it.

[Mark Normand]

Exactly.

[Guest/Producer]

It's so cool.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Because how many times you've been like, oh, this is gonna kill. And then that bombs. Then you're like, this is nothing. And that kills.

[Trevor Wallace]

Segue into the new joke hits, and you're like, this. I wrote this just now. Yes, but the jo in here.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. So frustrating, but also exciting.

[Guest/Producer]

The first time I ever saw Louis live, he was just workshopping stuff. It was at Caroline's, and he was just out of a notebook. I was like, months in a comedy, he was out of a notebook, dude murdering. And I was like, this motherfucker's just reading stuff. And I'm like, it was. I just. I. I was just so in all this guy, just like the best man.

[Mark Normand]

Well, back to the Obi Wan thing. I think when you get to that level of not giving up a fuck, like, he can just go up and bomb and be okay with it. That's when you get to that crazy, thoughtful, interesting material.

[Guest/Producer]

Right.

[Mark Normand]

And, you know, it takes years to get to that level, I think.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah. And those silences. Sometimes you find the funniest thing from just the failure. Like, there's something about it. You keep digging, and then you. And then you say the thing. It's almost like the muscle memory from doing this forever. You're like, this is it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

And then you're like, holy shit, I just figured it out.

[Guest/Producer]

Right?

[Michael Blaustein]

Because if I didn't, it would just keep getting worse. And then sometimes it just keeps getting worse.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's okay, too. But I feel guilty. I do feel guilty when I bomb, too.

[Mark Normand]

I do, too.

[Michael Blaustein]

I'm like, all right, let me throw a couple old ones into. And. But you gotta find ways to. To get the new.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's never pretty.

[Guest/Producer]

Do you guys remember the first time that you started feeling this extra weird pressure because people knew who you were and then. So that working new material stuff out you.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Guest/Producer]

You know what I mean? I definitely had that, like, when you're new in the game. Like, nobody knows who any of us are. So then you go up and it's a game.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's a weird gift when you're building material, when no one knows who the fuck you are.

[Guest/Producer]

That's what I was saying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Cause still go with the seller sometimes, and they don't know me, and that's cool. But, like, sometimes they do, and you're like, oh, shit. They're gonna be like, that's pressure. There's a part of me that's like, does the crowd know you're working on shit? Or are they gonna be like, man, that guy's fucking slipping. You're following some young buck at the Cellar who's fucking bringing the heat. And really funny.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

There's so many funny young people there right now. And it's like,

[Trevor Wallace]

that was a little humidity in there.

[Mark Normand]

That was a problem.

[Michael Blaustein]

He used to be better, this guy. He's losing.

[Mark Normand]

He's working, working it out.

[Michael Blaustein]

Let me try this creaky one. Not nothing. All right, let me open miking.

[Trevor Wallace]

It sounds like a pirate horror film

[Mark Normand]

for it right there. Yeah, it was like a bad trumpet.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, I feel. I definitely feel bad, for sure. But I'm also like, what's a seller ticket is what, $12? They see a great show. It's so cheap, whatever they charge.

[Mark Normand]

Well, that's the other thing is people go like, oh, they get to see you work out new material. They're going to love it. I'm like, they'll love it for six minutes if I do that for 45. They're like, all right, asshole. This is a little selfish. Indulgent.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, you gotta. You gotta prep them a little bit. Let me try a few new. And then you kind of do good stuff. Then you go like, let me try a few more.

[Trevor Wallace]

But it is so funny how important that one sentence is mentally, for yourself to be like, I'm gonna try some new.

[Mark Normand]

And then huge.

[Trevor Wallace]

Then they're all, oh. Because if you didn't say that, it's just bombing.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

This joke just isn't exactly one sentence.

[Guest/Producer]

I oddly asked their permission. I'm like, is it cool if I work out in this? And it's like. And then I go back for five years. You asked for.

[Michael Blaustein]

The new comic is clearly doing old materials. Here, let me try some new oj. Man, that's like, weir crazy.

[Trevor Wallace]

You can't smoke on a plane anymore, huh? Is there one bit you guys have just never been able to get to work? It's just always been on the Back burner. And then, like, every couple years, you, like, bring it out of the cage.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, I've got a few of those. Yeah, I actually. A lot of those. It's my whole act.

[Michael Blaustein]

No, he cracks it a lot, though. Mark will really stay with a bit.

[Mark Normand]

I'll stick with a bit.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's pretty cool.

[Trevor Wallace]

And just keep workshopping it each night.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Even when we were young comics, he would always like. He would. He'd be like, I can't crack this one. You were like, one of the few people to tweak at mics. I feel like even.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Michael Blaustein]

A lot of people were like, okay, they've seen this. I can't. But you'd bring it back.

[Mark Normand]

Sometimes I would go back. But mics were tough because if you see the same asshole comic in the front row, the worst.

[Trevor Wallace]

It didn't work last night. It's not gonna work tonight.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I usually know why it doesn't work, and I'm like. I don't necessarily agree because if I think there's something funny about me sometimes I'm like, this doesn't work because of this. Or maybe this bit makes them too sad.

[Trevor Wallace]

But that makes you laugh. So you're like, there is something.

[Mark Normand]

There's something.

[Michael Blaustein]

But not everything that makes me laugh should, you know.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's when you get self indulgent. Right. Like, I mean, I should like everything in my act, but sometimes if I think something's funny, it's not right for the show, you know?

[Mark Normand]

Mm.

[Guest/Producer]

And it's also like, we're comedians, so what makes us laugh is horrendous. So.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

You can't make a room full of people that work in HR Block laugh at what we laugh at. It's like fucking. You can try.

[Mark Normand]

That's true.

[Guest/Producer]

Sometimes it's just too heinous.

[Michael Blaustein]

Like, it's. You're going too dark.

[Guest/Producer]

Too dark.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. Well, that's one kind of fun thing about the Internet is sometimes you have a joke, you're like, it didn't really hit, but I think there's something here. And you throw it out into the world and it finds them.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, but it's hard. It's hard to find, you know, like, certain bits. Certain bits aren't for everybody. Also, like, there's. We talked about this with Mark. Just put a special out. Sometimes you keep this one line in and you can't get selfish with it, but the one line's there. You're like, it's just kind of a throwaway. And then people end up being like,

[Trevor Wallace]

I love that line.

[Mark Normand]

I know it's funny.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's like always that one fucking line. It doesn't matter the one you're about to pull.

[Trevor Wallace]

I feel it in sketches a lot too. I'm the edit trying to condense it. I'm like, is this funny? Is this funny? Ah, whatever, keep it in. And then the. That's the line people quote.

[Mark Normand]

Yes.

[Trevor Wallace]

Which is so weird that you. But you like hyper focus on that one line.

[Mark Normand]

I know.

[Trevor Wallace]

Which I think there's some gut feeling in there. You're like, this line is important and I don't know why.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I think we always go z a laugh line. Is that a laugh line? But it doesn't have to be a laugh line to be to resonate. You know what I mean? Like your thing about the cybertruck tweet, none of us burst out laughing, but we're all like, oh, that's good.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, builds to it.

[Mark Normand]

What was the line again? You never see with a family, it's

[Trevor Wallace]

never seen a famine of cybertruck.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. That's not like hahaha. But you're like, oh, that's good, you know, so you keep it in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Henny Youngman used to say, like sometimes you get a laugh just on the recognition though.

[Mark Normand]

Sure.

[Michael Blaustein]

So it's like not necessarily a joke, but it's like. You ever notice everyone does and it's like, it's like no one's articulated that way. And that's why you're getting the laugh.

[Mark Normand]

Right. Right. Boy, we're going nerd shit right here.

[Trevor Wallace]

We're going deep back to coming on the ground.

[Michael Blaustein]

Index to get on it off or

[Mark Normand]

it comes like a flag. I guess it's not supposed hit the ground. You ever hit the curtains in the hotel?

[Guest/Producer]

Oh yeah.

[Mark Normand]

All right. Don't open the curtains in. In a hotel room.

[Guest/Producer]

You can't. After I leave, you can't open.

[Mark Normand]

Sealed shut like labia. You peel it open like a grilled cheese.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, that's gross.

[Trevor Wallace]

Great visual though.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah. You don't hear this on College Daddy.

[Michael Blaustein]

I feel like they talk about common color Daddy.

[Mark Normand]

No, they have like Obama on. Yeah, that's true.

[Michael Blaustein]

I've never, I've never heard an episode. I just assume when it was the

[Trevor Wallace]

two girls, it was all like, how do you give head? Then they demonstrate on the mic and

[Guest/Producer]

now it's literally, I wonder why I got so big.

[Michael Blaustein]

That used to be a recipe for a hit pod.

[Mark Normand]

Girls talking, girls talking.

[Michael Blaustein]

It. It was like unheard of because girls liked it.

[Trevor Wallace]

And guys, I feel like Secretly liked it because they're like, this is. You know, we're watching the. The defense here give out play.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, exactly. Cuz girls when I was a kid were so annoying. Be like, so you ever finger yourself?

[Michael Blaustein]

They're like, e, shut up.

[Mark Normand]

And I'm like, don't make me look like a psycho. You know, you're at home diddling all night. They would always cover it up and hide it and be like, that was

[Michael Blaustein]

our original podcast name. Don't make me look like a psycho. So two dudes complain about women talking about sex.

[Mark Normand]

I know. I went full pimp right there. Don't make me look like a psycho.

[Michael Blaustein]

Damn, dude.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah.

[Mark Normand]

You couldn't talk. Could talk with the ladies.

[Guest/Producer]

It is funny, though, because that was the. The recipe for hip hop. And then everybody did it. And then it's like, yeah, all right.

[Mark Normand]

Well, all right. But it's funny how girls will go from jizz talk to Kamala Harris. Like they work their way up to, like, real shit.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

But I think deep down they want to ask Kamala that. Of course, like the gdp. How do you get yourself off at night? How do you. Kamala Harris.

[Michael Blaustein]

But that's every big pod. It's like, you know, Marin's like, working out his beef with like all these comics. Then he's like, oh, I got Obama on this week. You know, every, Every, Every pod. Once it gets big, you're like, all right, I'm. I'll take a. I don't like this.

[Trevor Wallace]

Pods do where they have like this like super dramatic trailer. It's like tomorrow coming on. And it's like horror film that cuts to black. This is like noon eastern.

[Mark Normand]

You're like, oh, that's that. Michael B.

[Guest/Producer]

Directed the trailer.

[Trevor Wallace]

It's so much buildup and hype for the same you got last week. Listen, do what you do. And it's obviously working.

[Mark Normand]

It actually is an old trope from the news. The news would be like, yeah, shrimp, what's in it? It might kill your kids. Tomorrow at 11. You're like, go.

[Michael Blaustein]

I got so much to knew. We might be drunk. Gary Veer, like you've never seen him before.

[Mark Normand]

He has hair.

[Guest/Producer]

Carrying a wig in my head.

[Mark Normand]

Gary opens a cyber truck. Will he get in? Can he reach it? Does he need a boot list tomorrow?

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, all that build up.

[Trevor Wallace]

I guess it's anything to get clicks or Exactly. Hold retention a little bit, but.

[Mark Normand]

Well, I guess we just think of. Of podcasts like goofball. I think of Theo Von being like, hey, man, a rabbit ate my My dad's ass or whatever. And they show, you know,

[Trevor Wallace]

that's a direct clip from.

[Mark Normand]

Then, you know. Then it's Bernie Sanders on something.

[Michael Blaustein]

Theo Rapid ate my dad's ass. Like, do you want Trump on the pod? He wants to come on.

[Trevor Wallace]

He heard your rabbit eating ass.

[Michael Blaustein]

And then we got Bernie next week, and he's like, oh, cool, man.

[Mark Normand]

I know Bernie.

[Michael Blaustein]

How do you feel about rabbits eating ass? It's a. It's an upper. It's an upper class problem,

[Mark Normand]

man. All right, I gotta stop singing comics. We got Drew Lynch, Marin, Theo doing the gamut here.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah, well, we should fucking. We got to do your part in a minute, so you should plug some dates. Plug some dates. Where you guys are gonna be.

[Trevor Wallace]

I just finished my tour. Michael's heavy on the road, though. Check him out.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah, just a bunch of stuff, man. Go to blau comedy.com blaucomedy.com I'm going fricking everywhere. Yeah, look at that.

[Michael Blaustein]

All over Canada.

[Guest/Producer]

Canada. Moncton, Joliet, Atlantic City.

[Michael Blaustein]

I gotta go to the NBA hall of Fame in Springfield.

[Mark Normand]

Bass. Oh, buddy.

[Guest/Producer]

I'm going. I'm so excited. Yeah, go. Go get some tickets, dude. You're everywhere.

[Michael Blaustein]

Look at that.

[Mark Normand]

Look at that. Hey, the Wilbur's fun.

[Guest/Producer]

Wilbur's so fun.

[Mark Normand]

One of the best. That DC One's great too. What's that called? The Capital One Hall. Great room.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, I've never played it.

[Mark Normand]

Killer.

[Michael Blaustein]

Killer Shane tape there.

[Mark Normand]

Beautiful dogs. Was there? Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, was it?

[Mark Normand]

It's basically dc. Yeah.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, great. Yeah. Very excited. Damn.

[Michael Blaustein]

All over. These are all great rooms.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, Buddy's tore himself into the ground is great.

[Guest/Producer]

Yeah. After this, I'm gonna be dead.

[Mark Normand]

So come out.

[Trevor Wallace]

I just have two. So some random ones. London, UK, June 10th. Then Halifax, Canada. The Great Outdoors Comedy Festival. Trevor Walls Dot com. You guys doing that? The Great Outdoors one?

[Mark Normand]

I've done a few. They're always awesome.

[Guest/Producer]

They're so fun. I only did one with when we. When we did it.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

This one's weird. It's at like 3pm Then Schultz is after me for the night show. They're doing it more like festival. So you're headlining at 3pm I'm like, yeah, it'll be a good, like, day drinking thing.

[Michael Blaustein]

But you're done.

[Trevor Wallace]

You know, it'll be. It'll be fun, but, like, it's gonna

[Michael Blaustein]

be nice to be done in like four.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, right.

[Michael Blaustein]

Just.

[Guest/Producer]

That's what we did. We did it. When I went on, it was. It was five. Like, it was.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah. The sunset is your light. Well, the sun goes down. That's my light. Gotta go.

[Guest/Producer]

A cigar was.

[Trevor Wallace]

Yeah, they're always fun and. And they bring out a huge audience.

[Michael Blaustein]

Bring chair.

[Trevor Wallace]

So it is pretty fun.

[Mark Normand]

Crazy.

[Michael Blaustein]

Well, I got the Turning Stone Casino in Verona, New York, June 6th. And I'm gonna add dates at some point, but yeah, I got Portugal. Yeah, I'm doing a little Euro tour again. Just places I want to go to. So. Lisbon, Athens, Budapest, Zagreb, Vienna, Warsaw, Helsinki, Stockholm and Copenhagen. So that's all in September and that's on my site. Warsaw.

[Guest/Producer]

You're allowed in.

[Michael Blaustein]

Times have changed, baby.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, well, Poland's not around. They don't allow gay marriage. They don't allow same sex adoption.

[Michael Blaustein]

Wow.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, they're wild. Is that true? Yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

I didn't even know that. That's crazy.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, I'm. I'm do. I'm back in the clubs, baby. I got a mil hour. Spokane, Philly.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh, the Philly. Helium is so fun, dude.

[Mark Normand]

Favorite room. Maybe in the country. Classic Milwaukee. Improv. Irvine Improv.

[Trevor Wallace]

Banger.

[Mark Normand]

Love that room. Temp is so fun. Oh, Detroit, Mark Ridley's and Royal Oak. Hilarities in Cleveland.

[Michael Blaustein]

That's maybe my favorite city.

[Mark Normand]

Never been to Emerald City Comedy Club. I. I think it's new side splitters in Tampa. It's a great room. All going to the. And yeah. All kinds of cobs. I love CS San Francisco.

[Michael Blaustein]

You have to cancel some of these if we. If we get.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, yeah, right. I love. We're trying to make a movie.

[Michael Blaustein]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Oh, yeah.

[Michael Blaustein]

Working.

[Mark Normand]

Trying.

[Michael Blaustein]

Oh, yeah. Bus.

[Mark Normand]

How you were. I was. Yeah. How was it?

[Trevor Wallace]

It was fun, man. It was just shooting for a day, but.

[Mark Normand]

Oh, nice. Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

It literally just felt like a giant sketch with a bunch of friends.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah.

[Trevor Wallace]

Popped in for a day.

[Guest/Producer]

But the premise is that. Is that not.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's just. Just. Yeah. We're just two liquor salesmen.

[Mark Normand]

It's our.

[Michael Blaustein]

We have our bodega cat. We got our hooch and we just made it. We're two failing liquor salesmen. But it's fun. It's got hard. It's like an old school 90s comedy. It's a joke of more. I mean, it's so many jokes, tons of jokes.

[Trevor Wallace]

The best, like comedies feel like just like an improv scene where it's a sense of like the. You're bus boys and then they never really. You don't see them as bus boys ever.

[Mark Normand]

Yes, yes, exactly.

[Trevor Wallace]

As you're in Home Depot, then you forget you're in Home Depot. The fact that you guys sell the bodega cat is like, that's the premise. But really it's just about you guys.

[Michael Blaustein]

It's just about friendship. That's how bus was getting older and, and still drinking and being fuck ups and it's, it's fun. It's like a fun buddy comedy.

[Guest/Producer]

Oh man, I need to see this.

[Michael Blaustein]

We're close. We're so close. We hope it works out.

[Mark Normand]

So we'll see.

[Michael Blaustein]

But you guys have been awesome and listen to their podcast, Stiff Socks.

[Mark Normand]

Yeah, yeah. Great.

[Michael Blaustein]

Great to see you guys. And we'll see you next week. Buy some bodega cat whiskey, guys.

[Mark Normand]

Delicious. Sophie, Rain hit us up.

[Trevor Wallace]

Sunday's the day for my next bender. A bit of fever wreck. You know the fear juice.

[Michael Blaustein]

Close.

[Trevor Wallace]

I've had a little too much burping and Norman's talking shit about the fucking

[Mark Normand]

poke and I get down in the

[Trevor Wallace]

same way up on the roof like a cops coming and naked Samuel is feeling dangerous I'm out to lunch here

[Mark Normand]

in New Orleans this woman doesn't look like I remember her And I get

[Trevor Wallace]

down in the same way we might be true.

[Michael Blaustein]

Your next chapter in healthcare starts at

[Trevor Wallace]

Carrington College's School of Nursing in Portland.

[Michael Blaustein]

Join us for our open house on Tuesday, January 13th. From poor to Sarah PM, you'll tour our campus, see live demos, meet instructors, and learn about our associate degree in nursing program that prepares you to become a registered nurse. Take the first step toward your nursing career. Save your spot now at Carrington Edu Events.

[Trevor Wallace]

For information on program outcomes, visit carrington. Edu Sci. You can't reason with the sun. Trust us, we've tried. This summer, it's time to put that angry ball of fire on mute. Columbia's Omnishade technology is engineered to protect you from the sun. Sun's harsh rays that can burn and damage your skin. The sun is relentless, but so is our gear. Level up your [e-mail] to spend more time outside and less time slathering on aloe lotion. You're welcome, Columbia. Engineered for whatever.