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- [00:01]
Ali
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Fiscally responsible financial geniuses, monetary magicians. These are things people say about drivers who switch their car insurance to Progressive and save hundreds. Visit progressive.com to see if you could save Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause. It's so unpredictable. It's like playing pinball. Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back, sometimes my legs. Hives come out of nowhere and it comes and goes. But I just found out about a treatment option@treatmyhives.com Take that, chronic hives. Learn more at treatmyhives.com hi, my name is Ali and I am from British Columbia, Canada. And the story that I'd like to share with you today is how an unexpected vacation situationship with a resort worker from Mexico turned into a long distance relationship, turned into revenge porn, death threats and a complete career change for me. I am a coach. I host two podcasts now and I'm excited to share my story with you.
- [01:36]
Podcast Host
Yes, I'm excited to hear it. This is crazy.
- [01:39]
Ali
Alrighty, you ready?
- [01:40]
Podcast Host
Yes, I'm ready. Where does it begin?
- [01:42]
Ali
We are insane. Yes. So it started in January 2022. So my birthday is early January, exactly two weeks after Christmas when we capture New Year's. So I often travel alone for my birthday just because everybody's partied out by the time that, you know, my birthday comes around. So January 2022, I decided to go to Mexico. So I picked just a random all inclusive resort with the sole purpose of being by myself. It was the first sort of birthday trip that I'd gone on cause it's still kind of COVID times and my mom actually died at Christmas 2019, so the first one that I was going on. So it just really wanted to go all out and have a great time by myself. So that all went to plan for the first 24 hours. And then the second day I could could feel one of the resort workers trying to get my attention, sort of like in a playful, flirty way. Um, and I was trying to be polite, but also trying to avoid him. Um, I was in the pool bar and he was involved with the entertainment so I assumed he was just trying to get my attention to, you know, do zumba or salsa making or whatever. Anyway, I'm not very good at ignoring people so you know, I humored him and we had a little bit of a small conversation and then the weather changed and we Needed to get out of the pool. So I said my goodbye to him, and I found somewhere else to go. The resort, which is. You know, there's not too many places that you go at a resort that don't involve drinking. So I went to a bar, and I sat as far away from everybody as I could because I just wanted to be alone. And it didn't take too long before I could sit. Sense of presence. And the guy from the pool kind of came up and was waving at me, and I was just like, okay, hi, nice to see you. And so we get into a little bit of a small conversation again, and I don't really want to have it, but I don't know what to do. It's innocent enough, you know, he's asking me if I'm here by myself. And, you know, he makes some comments, tells me I'm beautiful.
- [04:09]
Podcast Host
And he worked there.
- [04:09]
Ali
He worked there, okay? And so part of me is like, this is his job. He sees a woman sitting by herself, and he just needs to be friendly. Like, okay, like, thank you for being friendly, but go be friendly with somebody else. Like, I've had enough of the conversation.
- [04:25]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [04:26]
Ali
But he kept talking. And so I started to get to know a little bit about him. He had this massive Roman numeral tattoo on his arm. So I said, like, hey, tell me about your tattoo. And he had shared that it was his wedding date. So I was like, okay, good. This guy's married. He'll leave me alone. Um, and then he told me a sad story of how he was no longer married because his wife had cheated on him. She was an American, and she cheated on him. And he was really heartbroken over that. So immediately he got me with sympathy. Um, and so we were chatting, and. And I shared with him that know I have a number of tattoos on me that all signify something monumentous. Monumentous.
- [05:11]
Podcast Host
Monumental. Right.
- [05:13]
Ali
Monumental. Something important. Something big in my life. Yes. And so I like to document it. So we had a nice little bonding moment, and then he was off. I said, okay, you know, nice chatting, see you later. Thinking, like, see you around. We don't need to talk again. He just kept popping back up. Like, everywhere I turned around, he. He kept popping up. So each conversation throughout the day just kept getting more and more personal. And eventually he said to me, hey, tomorrow's my day off. Would you be willing to be my date? I'm like, you're date? What are you talking about? And he's like, yeah, I wondered if you wanted to go. So I met him in the Mayan Riviera, Would you be willing to go to Playa del Carmen with me? Where like all the shops and the restaurants are? And my inside is saying absolutely not. But my outside polite Canadian face is saying, how do I get out of this? So I just sort of smile and say, you know, I'll think about it. I'm not planning to leave the resort, but I'll let you know. Well, he was so relentless. He just wouldn't leave me alone. He, at another point sort of corners me, asks for my phone number and so I panic. Like what do you do when somebody right across from you says, what's your phone number? Like I could have given him a fake number, but I gotta see the guy all week, right? So give him my phone number. And I thought, well, I can just block him after the week's over anyway. So you know, we have more and more interactions as he, as soon as he gets my phone number, he starts texting me. He's flirting with me like this sort of sexually aggressive, flirty, and I'm, I'm grossed out. Like I'm not attracted to him at all, but also like I'm panicking. I don't know what to do. As the night progresses, we're texting more and more. Um, he may, he invites me to go to the evening show. He's the emcee of the show cuz he's the manager of the entertainers and he's texting me throughout the show, telling me how beautiful I am and how he was so scared to approach me and he couldn't wait to spend tomorrow with me. It was going to be so much fun. And so I'm kind of like this mix of like flattered, creeped out and sort of buzzed because I've been drinking. So I, I just sort of went along with it. I, I accepted the compliments. When the show was over, I went back to my room and went to bed. Went, was planning to go to bed and he texted me. He's like, where did you go? I thought maybe we could go for a walk on the beach. And like midnight I'm like, absolutely not. Like I know exactly what you want. Like, nope, I'm going to bed anyway. So I have not committed to hanging out with him tomorrow. But I've also not been super clear in saying I'm not doing it right.
- [08:14]
Podcast Host
Like not full on denied him.
- [08:16]
Ali
Yeah. Because I, but inside I'm like, you're not going. Anyway, so the next day it's early afternoon and I haven't heard from him and I'm thinking, great, he's found somebody else. Like, I'm off the hook. And it's just as I think that of course I get a text from him saying, hey, what time are we meeting up today? I'm just like, I really didn't handle that. So then I kind of did this like pro con list in my head and I'm like, well, you know, it might be kind of fun. He seems like a really nice guy. He shared a lot about his life. He's got a lot of women in his life. He's got a mom, two sisters, nieces. He seems like a really nice guy and I'm a really nice person. So maybe he's just a nice guy that's going to show me around. So I ultimately agreed to meet up with him. I thought that we would meet in Playa del Carmen because there was a shuttle at the resort, that I would just meet him somewhere. And when I suggested that, he said, well, hey, why don't you just meet me at my house? I'm like, what are you doing? This is how you're going to get murdered. But he, he convinced me that it was probably safer to meet that way because, you know, how are we going to find each other in the busy streets of Playa del Carmen? So anyway, so I get in the cab and I find the place that he sent me and I text him a message saying, hey, I think I'm here. Like, hurry up and come down. So he says, should I come down naked? And I'm immediately like, right, this is so gross. Like, this is exactly what you thought was gonna happen. Like, why are you here anyway? And it's not what I wanted to happen. True. Like, I should clarify. I did not want to do anything with this guy other than.
- [10:07]
Podcast Host
Yeah, like you weren't going into it thinking I want to have sex with him?
- [10:11]
Ali
Absolutely not. Yeah, I really was not attracted to him at all. I was just thinking, yolo, it's an opportunity to go with a local and you're by yourself.
- [10:24]
Podcast Host
So it's like, who else are you gonna hang with?
- [10:26]
Ali
Exactly, exactly. So. And I really like tacos, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to have some authentic tacos. Anyway, so he says, should I come down naked? And I'm like, I write back, haha, very funny. Hurry up and come down. Like, gross, dude. So he comes down, he's got his clothes on, thankfully, but he says to me, I'm not ready yet. You gotta come upstairs. I still have some Things that I need to do. So I reluctantly go up to his place. And it's actually quite a cute studio apartment. But when I, when I look inside, there's not a lot of options in a studio apartment for where to sit. There's basically a bed that takes up the entire room, a kitchen I could stand in or bathroom. Of course, he's like ushering me to come sit on the bed. So I find like a little corner piece that I can sit on and we start having, you know, a small conversation. And, and it sort of fluctuates between him just being a really nice, sweet, soft spoken, safe guy. I would say that was probably like 80% that to like waves of like just aggressive and sexual. Gross. So I had packed some roadies with me because this was going to be an awkward situation. So I, I was drinking a beer. He was drinking, I don't know, a cooler or something. And so to deal with the awkwardness, I kind of chugged my beer. And he started inching closer and closer to me. And you know, at some point I was like, well, clearly this is what he wants to happen, so this is what we're doing. I guess I, I was, I had been in a really short relationship with somebody prior to going on this trip, and then he just ghosted me on New Year's Eve. And so I was feeling a little bit heartbroken. I wouldn't say I was outwardly showing it, so I don't think this guy like picked up on it, but I was feeling a little bit heartbroken. This guy's coming on to me. I'm buzzed and I'm thinking, well, it, I've, I, I assume you've probably heard the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. Yeah, it's not something that I really subscribe to, but I was like, well, whatever. I'm in Mexico, who cares? I'm single, I'm an adult.
- [13:04]
Podcast Host
Something I want to mention too, just because I know that people always have their ways of, you know, opinions and twisting things. But, you know, I think it's. This is just something I want to say to you and to those listening, because I can already imagine, but. And I think it's important to share that. You know, I think it's very easy to listen to a situation like this, like, up, up to where it is now, and think to yourself, well, why didn't she just say no? Or why did she go if she wasn't attracted to him? Or why did she start doing stuff if she wasn't into him. But at the same time, when you, you know, add all of these things together, which they're not excuses, it's just your reality at the time. You know, it's like you're on vacation alone, drinking's involved, you know, you're by yourself and you have somebody that's giving you attention. Yeah, maybe there's some girls that, like, don't really care for attention, don't like it. But like, even for me, it's like, attention feels good. People like it. It is flattering, you know, and once again, not an excuse. But I just feel like in a way, for this guy, all your cards were like, perfectly aligned for him. It was like you were almost like this perfect target. Yes. Like, and I don't think people always realize that aspect of things because I think that, you know, listening to something and having the time to articulate what to do and not actually being in that moment is two very different things. So I just wanted to point that out.
- [14:29]
Ali
I really appreciate you doing that, actually, because I. I should also stop here and say, I recognize that the first half of my story is all red flags. It's super cringy, people. Everybody has an opinion and they don't think they would ever find themselves in these situations. You don't know until you're in it. Much like you just said, this is not an excuse. We will get there eventually. But this guy was a master manipulator. I'm not a naive little girl. I make good decisions in life. This is just. This is a moment that turned into a complete nightmare. And so I know early on people really hate my story because it's like, it's. It's my fault. Like, I should never have found myself in it. But here we are. So we end up hooking up. Whatever. It. It was over just as fast as it started. It was nothing special. We then went off and we got some tacos on fifth Ave. We laughed, we had fun. He was really easy to talk to. We learned a bit more about each other and. And everything was. Was easy. It was whatever. In that. In that time together, somehow our age came up and I found out that he was nine years younger than me. And so I was immediately grossed out. But at the same time, I was like, what does it matter? I'm never going to talk to this guy again. And he approached me and I don't really identify or necessarily look what my age is, so whatever that. That'll come into play later. Anyway, so we end up having a really great time together. We part Ways in the evening, I go back to the hotel, he goes back to his place, and I reflect on the. The time together and actually was pretty fun. And I thought, well, I didn't die, so, you know, it was fun. Then, you know, the rest of the week became a bit more exciting because I had this new friend at the resort that of course, nobody knew about because staff and guests aren't allowed to mingle for obvious reasons. So we would have, you know, various, like, interactions, whether we'd run into each other or he'd be texting me or whatever, but it was very playful and getting to know each other a little bit more, building on a friendship. I ended up going back to his place a few more times, and it was. I think after the first time, I just. I don't know if you experienced this. I know I'm not the only person, but after you are intimate with somebody and you spend some time together, you do start to find them a little bit more attractive.
- [17:26]
Podcast Host
Absolutely. They grow on you.
- [17:27]
Ali
They grow on you.
- [17:28]
Podcast Host
I mean, especially if. If someone is easy to talk to and get along with, I think. And I mean, having sex with someone, I think that even if you are somebody that can just do that and move on, it does create a different type of attachment. Yeah. Connection, for sure.
- [17:46]
Ali
Yeah. And just to like, again, I'm not making excuses, but to paint the scene, he's like the manager of the entertainers. He knows how to be charming. He knows how to be fun and flirty, and it. It's contagious. And I'll also say that I'm. I was very aware that I am probably not the only girl, you know, that it's. It's a plenty of opportunity. It could be a new girl every day, every week, every whatever. Right. But that, I mean, I was.
- [18:20]
Podcast Host
This week.
- [18:20]
Ali
You was you. Yeah. And it was fun.
- [18:22]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [18:23]
Ali
So anyway, so we. We had a fun week. And when it's time to say goodbye, you know, we hugged goodbye and. And I was surprised at how difficult it was to say goodbye. We both kind of got a little choked up. And when I got on my bus to go to the airport, I had a little tear in my eye, and I was like, what the just happened? Like, I went from wanting to be left alone, not wanting to talk to this guy, to sleeping with him, to all of a sudden, like, crying when you're sleeping. I'm like, what is wrong with you? I was like, well, you know what, what happens on vacation stays on vacation. It's going to be okay. You're a grown ass adult. You can do this. Anyway, so I fly back to Canada. I again, fully expect to never hear from this guy again. And as soon as I land, my phone blows up. He'd been texting me the whole time that I was in transit. And you know, essentially it was, you know, I miss you so much. I'm so glad that we got to meet each other. You're so beautiful. I had so much fun at the time. It felt great. It felt nice standing back here. It's classic love bombing. But so I, we continue to talk a little bit. I thought we were just going to be friends because he's in Mexico and I'm in western Canada. Like we, he, there's, we're nowhere near each other and also there's no point. But we continue to talk and build a friendship and a relationship blossomed. And I know what I'm about to say next is going to sound ridiculous, but next thing you know, he's calling me babe. And the next thing you know, we're in a relationship. And so.
- [20:22]
Podcast Host
And how long was that?
- [20:23]
Ali
A couple weeks. Like, it was, it was like intense, you know, texting every day.
- [20:28]
Podcast Host
Well, you know, once again, another thing, every single person is so different. Like I personally am somebody that if I like you the first time hanging out with you, I'm all in. That's like, that's me. That's my personality.
- [20:42]
Ali
Yeah.
- [20:43]
Podcast Host
I have friends that are like, that is insane. That is too much, too soon. You need to wait months before you date somebody. So many people are different. So like, yes, it, looking back, it might be like, wow, that was so fast. That was too much. That was crazy. But like, if that is the type of person you are and you are like, you want that relationship for that, even if you don't think you do. And then it happens and it's in front of you, I'm like, never somebody that's like, oh my God, it was too fast. Like, there's no to me, there's like no such thing as like too fast.
- [21:16]
Ali
I agree. And I, I sort of struggle with the term love bombing because when I feel something genuinely.
- [21:25]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [21:25]
Ali
Even if it's early on, it really is genuine. And so I think when you are programmed as a good person person, an honest person, not a naive person, but you, you believe others are capable of being like you. Right. And so I believed him. And so again, trust me, looking back now, it's classic, but it happened. And so I had to talk myself into the idea of being in a long distance relationship. With somebody. How would I even do this? How would I explain it to my friends? This is not my norm. This. Like, I had to convince myself before I would even talk to anybody in my life about it, because I knew what the objections would be. But anyway, you know, we. Things got hot and heavy pretty quickly and start planning a return trip back to Mexico a couple months later. You know, by the time we're planning the. The return trip to Mexico, he's telling me he would love to have a family with me. And he's telling me that, you know, all of the things that I would like to hear. And. And at the time when I met him, so I was in my early 40s, and so that birthday in particular was sort of challenging for me because I had this. This moment that I didn't share with him or anybody, but I always wanted to be a mom, and I hadn't until that point. And so it's like, I'm just not gonna have the opportunity. And then there's this guy from Mexico, of all places, who's like, obsessed with me, and he's telling me he wants to have a baby with me. So I'm just like, well, maybe. Maybe this is a sign. Maybe my mom's doing some work on the other side. Who knows? I know it's ridiculous. Anyway, so I kind of. I went with it. But Also, being early 40s, my clock is ticking. I don't have much time. Like, it's running out of batteries. So we plan a trip back pretty quickly. I'll sort of like skim over these details because it followed a similar pattern, other than he wasn't as available as I had expected.
- [23:50]
Podcast Host
Now, when you planned the trip to go back, were you going to be staying with him?
- [23:54]
Ali
See, one would think that that's what I thought.
- [23:56]
Podcast Host
Ye.
- [23:57]
Ali
Because obviously I would want to stay with my boyfriend, right? Who's calling me babe.
- [24:01]
Podcast Host
And I'm calling babe who wants to start a family.
- [24:03]
Ali
Yeah. And how do you make a baby? You gotta be in. Yeah. So I really. I expected to stay together. And he said, actually, I'm gonna be working a lot. You know, it just doesn't make sense. You should just stay at the resort, because I'm gonna be there all the time, and then you can still come back and sleep at my place. Like, okay, but like, this is expensive. Not only is it expensive to stay at the resort, but the. The taxi rides back and forth were expensive. And anyway, so I did end up booking a room at the resort, and that's sort of when the excuses started to happen with him. I got, I got there and he told me that the owners of the resort were going to be. Were there that week and he wouldn't be able to see me as much as he wanted. And he's really bummed, but, but he was just letting me know he'd be working longer hours and I was just kind of like, that seems fishy, but okay, maybe it's real. And like, I have a big job, I know what it means to have to put in extra hours. So I just, you know, was trying to be easy going. I should also share that I, up until that point, I really didn't have a great track record with relationships. I've been in abusive relationships. I've been ghosted a lot. I've been thrown away. And so I learned that I don't. I learned to be small and not to say much because I'm thrown away if, if I speak up too loudly. And I know that sounds so stupid, but that was me then. So I just wanted to be easy go. Lucky girl. And so I was super accommodating. I would say in the seven days I was there, I might have seen him three times. And I'm like, this is really bizarre. But he always had a reason for it. When I left that week together, he had shared with me that he, he had always wanted to work on a cruise line and he had actually been offered a job, but he was scared to tell me. And he really wanted to take a seven month contract so that he could make all kinds of money. And then once that contract was up, he would come and live with me in Canada and we would start our family and he sh. I obviously wasn't thrilled by the news because I thought we were working towards him coming to Canada and us starting a family much faster than that, given age. But he, he shared that he had always wanted to work on a cruise, but anytime in the past he had had the opportunity. He was with a woman who got in the way and held him back. And I was just like, well, I don't want to be the person that's going to get in the way of your dreams. Like I wouldn't want that and like how resentful would he be? So I reluctantly was supportive and agreed because I didn't have much choice. So he takes the, the job on the cruise and a. About a month or so before he's set to go on the cruise, I start sort of nudging him that maybe he, he wants to quit the resort a little bit. Early so that he can go and spend some time with his family, because his mom, his sisters, his nieces, his grandparents are super important to him, and they live in central Mexico. So he's located in the Mayan, Riviera, Cancun area, but they're in central Mexico. And so I'm really trying to be, like, supportive of this because him being on the cruise for seven months would be a long time not to see them. But I'm also sort of suggesting he and his job at the resort earlier so that we have an opportunity to see each other. Um, ideally I can go and meet his family because, you know, he would tell me all the time that they knew all about me. And I, you know, he was particularly close with his mom. And so I was always asking about that and if she was bothered by my age. And he. He always said she knew all about me and she wasn't bothered at all. He knew. She knew if he thought I was a good person, that I was a good person. So anyway, he agrees to leave the resort two weeks early. And so he's telling me what his last day is. He's, like, getting ready to pack up his apartment, the studio apartment. And so I start asking him what the flight details are, and he says, oh, well, actually, I haven't booked my flights yet. I'm like, what do you mean you haven't booked your flights yet? Like, you're leaving, you're giving your keys back. He's like, well, I don't have the money for my flights. I was like, oh, well, can you ask your mom? Can you ask your grandpa? Can you ask someone? He's like, no, I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I'll figure it out. It ultimately ended up being a situation where, in a roundabout way, I felt like I had no choice but to help him financially. We'd come across a few situations like this leading up to. Whoops. Leading up to this point, not because I wanted to. To loan the money necessarily, but because he was so. He had such a compelling, manipulative way of making me feel like I had to. Like he had no other option and that he would pay me back. It was alone and, And. And I came from this place of we're together, we're going to. We're going to plan a future together. All for one, one for all. Like, of course, you know, I can loan him some money, and he's going to work on this cruise and he's going to pay me back. So anyway, so he. I Send him money to book his flight. The day that he's flying from Cancun to central Mexico, I have an idea of what is itinerary is, and I know that it's not a direct flight. He has to fly from Cancun to Mexico City, quick layover. Then he goes on to where his family lives when he should have been on his way from Mexico City to where his family is. I get a panicked video call from him saying that he's missed his flight and he's like, all teary and he doesn't know what he's going to do. And I was like, well, why are you calling me? Like, go talk to the people at the gate. They. They'll help you. So he tells me that he's talked to them and there's nothing that. That they can do. He needs to buy a new flight. I'm like, well, can you ask your mom? Can you ask your grandpa? Can you ask somebody? No, no, no. I'm like, well, okay, it's only four hours from Mexico City. Could they drive like my parents would have driven? Nope, they can't do that. So again, it's sort of a situation where I'm. It was my choice to allowed to be made to feel like I was put in a situation where I had to bail him out. But what do you do? So I booked him a flight from Mexico City to his final destination and oh, thank you so much. I love you so much. You're the best. My family is so grateful for you. Blah, blah, blah. So once he gets home, you know, he settles in a little bit. So he's there for two weeks before he goes to work on the cruise. I say to him, like, is there any chance that I could come and see you? I would really love to see you before you go on the cruise. Because while he's on the cruise, initially he said I'd be able to come visit, but it was still. I mean, I had a real job. Like, pretty hard to just be taking off on these thousands of dollars of vacation whenever, so. So I really wanted to see him for a weekend and meet his family.
- [32:14]
Podcast Host
I don't know about you, but oftentimes life just feels like I am constantly hustling. It feels like even when I complete things on my to do list, there is just more waiting for me to get done. And as much as I love to stay busy, it can be very stressful in my body and literally feels like it is draining me. And come to find out, my body is actually literally being drained of magnesium which is a mineral that is created crucial for your energy, your focus and even your sleep. So if you feel like you've been lacking in any of those categories, maybe your stress levels are high and your magnesium is low. This is actually called the stress magnesium deficiency cycle. So basically, your stress goes up, your magnesium goes down, you feel like you don't really have any productivity, you're not sleeping well, your focus just isn't there, your energy is drained, and then ultimately the cycle continues to repeat. So obviously the next question is, how do we break this cycle? And for me, it has been Magnesium breakthrough by bioptimizers. It is the only supplement that has all seven forms of magnesium that your body needs. And in turn, it helps calm your nervous system, boost your energy. And my favorite of all, it supports better sleep. There is nothing worse than not getting a full night's sleep. And the best part is bioptimizers is totally risk free. They give you a 365 day money back guarantee. So if it doesn't work for you, no harm done. And if it does, then you've just broken the stress magnesium deficiency cycle. For an exclusive offer, go to by optimizers.com insane and use promo code insane during checkout to save 15%. That is code insane@bioptimizers.com insane. One of my absolute favorite ways to wind down is to go into my library room and read one of my books on my reading chair, cuddled up with a spray super soft blanket. And if you know me, then you know that I have a crazy blanket obsession. I love to get new blankets, try new blankets. And for the longest time, one of my very close friends has been trying to get me on the Lola bandwagon. And let me tell you that months ago I ordered my first Lola blanket and it is so cozy, so soft and so worth it. Because so many times I have gotten blankets in the past and after one or two washes, they start to pill up. They're not as soft and that is not the case at all. And you can pick from so many different perfect sizes. In my reading room, I have, I think it's maybe the smallest size that they have just because it's a smaller chair and it's just me in there, but on my couch I just ordered their extra large size and I swear to you, I was shocked with how big this blanket is. Not only is it good for like you and another person, but it's like good enough for me, another person and all eight of my animals. It is huge. My dog is actually Currently laying in her Lola bed right now. She is obsessed. Everything is so soft. It is amaz amazing quality. It has this like stretch to it that just makes it so cozy when you cuddle up. It is the best feeling. And I swear sometimes I actually struggle to stay awake when I'm reading because I am just that comfortable. For a limited time, our listeners are getting a huge 35 off their entire order at Lola blankets.com by using code INSANE at checkout. Just head to lolablankets.com and use code INSANE for 35% off and after your purchase they will ask you where you heard about them. So please make sure to mention we're all insane. Tell them I sent you and wrap yourself up in a luxury Lola blanket. I feel like something that I always mention to you guys is how important balance is to me and sometimes as I'm sure you guys can relate and know when stress piles up, it just feels like everything is off. Your sleep is off, your focus is off, your energy just isn't there and you don't feel like you are productive overall like you want to be. So I wanted to share my newest secret with you guys which is the Bestseller Bundle by Cured Nutrition which has been giving me support both day and night. You may be wondering how they are supporting me both day and night. That being said, during the day I am always reaching for their Serenity gummies. My favorite flavor, which tastes so good is the passion fruit and Clementine. They are packed with amazing ingredients which I'm sure you guys have heard of some of these like Ashwagandha and and cbd and these gummies genuinely allow me to show up the way that I want to show up and they keep me feeling calm and balanced and then I don't have to lean on things like sugar or energy drinks to keep me where I want to be and just feel leveled out and perfect and amazing during my days. And then at night time I am winding down with the CBN nightcaps which combines CBD and CBN which allows your body to calm down, wind down. It allows you to get to sleep faster, easier and actually stay asleep and then wake up refreshed. So if you are somebody that is looking for more peace during the day and a deeper rest at night, then I personally cannot recommend the Bestseller Bundle from Cured Nutrition enough. It is absolutely amazing and it has been the perfect daytime nighttime combination for me. The Bestseller Bundle is already discounted 10% off plus the code stacks an additional 20% off. So so you can stack my 20% off code insane on the 10% off bestseller bundle. Just go to cured nutrition.com insane and use my code insane to save a total of 30% off the bestseller bundle. Okay, so I just moved into a new house and if any of you have moved before then I am sure you can relate to all the new fumes, the smells, whether it's new paint, new furniture, chemical fumes. If you're moving into an older house, maybe it's some dusty air vents. Overall, we just don't know what we're breathing in. And that's why I decided to get Jasper. And let me just tell you, I am literally obsessed. And this is not just some cute air purifier that I got for my house. This is a medical grade air scrubber which means it is not just filtering the air, it is actually scrubbing it clean. So anything like smoke, mold, spores, VOCs, chemical fumes, all gone. It is scrubbing it clean and now we can breathe some fresh air. And as you guys have seen and I talk about them literally all the time, I have many animals in my home. I so it actually makes me feel a lot more comfortable and safer knowing that the air I'm breathing in is clean and safe for not only me but also my amazing fur babies. So that being said, if you want to try Jasper, they actually gave me a code for 300 off. All you have to do is use code insane at Jasper Co that is insane. I n S A N E at Jasper j a s pr co for $300 off and I promise you, you will not regret it. Your air will be scrubbed clean, fresh, filtered and you will feel a lot more safer and comfortable in your environment too. And now back to the episode.
- [39:05]
Ali
Martha listens to her favorite band all the time in the car, gym, even sleeping. So when they finally went on tour, Martha bundled her flight and hotel on Expedia to see them live. She saved so much she got her seat close enough to actually see and hear them. Sort of. You were made to scream from the front row. We were made to quietly save you more Expedia made to Travel savings vary and subject to availability. Flight inclusive packages are atoll protected at Capella University. Learning online doesn't mean learning alone.
- [39:39]
Podcast Host
You'll get support from people who care.
- [39:41]
Ali
About your success, like your enrollment specialist.
- [39:44]
Podcast Host
Who gets to know you and the.
- [39:46]
Ali
Goals you'd like to achieve. You'll also get a designated academic coach.
- [39:50]
Podcast Host
Who'S with you throughout your entire program.
- [39:53]
Ali
Plus career coaches are available to help.
- [39:56]
Podcast Host
You navigate your professional goals.
- [39:58]
Ali
A different future is closer than you think with Capella University?
- [40:02]
Podcast Host
Learn more at Capella Edu.
- [40:05]
Ali
And he told me that, you know, he really wanted to see me, but unfortunately he was going to have to drive. His grandfather, who was more like a father to him, had to drive him to Guadalajara for a family reunion because it might be the last time he would. Would see his family because his grandfather was pretty old. And I was like, well, is there any way that I could come see you there? And he's like, I really wish, but I don't think it's going to work out. Like, okay, well, that's a bummer. That really sucks. I missed a part where leading up to him going on the cruise, he. He discovers that he needs a new computer and for some training or whatever. And you know, I said like, why? Why do you need a computer for this training? Why can't you do it on your iPad or whatever? He's like, no. Everybody in the group chat for the cruise is saying that it won't work. You have to have a computer. So we go through the whole list of people. Can mom help? Grandpa help? Anybody help? No. So I say, can you buy a really cheap computer just to get you through? He's like, no, I need a MacBook Pro. It's got to be this. And I'll figure it out. I'm sure by now you can figure out what happened. He ends up convincing me to loan him money. He's going to start paying me as soon as he gets paid on the cruise ship for this MacBook Pro. So the reason I'm bringing this up is he sent me a proud picture of his MacBook Pro that I had sent him the money for on May 5, Cinco de Mayo, May 5, 2022. He's the proud new owner of a laptop and then he's heading off to Guadalajara. He can't be with me because he's going to be with his family. Okay, I'll come back to that because it's a pretty important date. Anyway, so he goes and he works on the cruise. And essentially it was a really challenging time to be in a long distance relationship. I tried to end things with him before the cruise started, at various points on the cruise.
- [42:23]
Podcast Host
So you were with him that full seven months?
- [42:25]
Ali
I was with him for a year.
- [42:26]
Podcast Host
Wow. Okay. And it was mainly all long distance.
- [42:30]
Ali
Mainly like 90%? Yes. All like, but you know, and I know it sounds so stupid, but the emotional connection that could be built over just text itself and, you know, so he's working on the cruise and like at Various points, there's bumps in the road, you know, of course, communication is a challenge. There are times where we get in, disagree in arguments, but then there's times where, you know, you make up. And so he asks for videos and pictures and, and he sends them to me whether I'm asking for them and so whether I'm asking for them or not. Let me be clear, I didn't ask for them because I guess that's how, how else are you supposed to maintain an intimate connection with somebody in a long distance relationship? Anyway, so he goes and he works on the cruise for the seven months. The plan all along was going to be once he's done, he's going to come to Canada, we're going to start our family. His cruise contract was to end early December 2022. I would say it was about mid November. He, we had sort of been fighting about some things and he shared with me that his grandfather died. He was devastated that his grandpa died and he, he was just really, really sad. And he didn't want to talk to me about it, but I should know. And I, I said that, you know, I felt really terrible for him. I knew how close he was and I had, like, I shared, had lost my mom. And so my first response was, let's get you off the boat. Like, you don't need to be there. Yeah, go home. He's like, no, no, no, I'll be fine. I just have to keep my head in the game. But, but I'm probably not going to want to talk to you for a little bit. Okay? I was like, okay. But like, I know that when I'm hurting, I pull my person in and push them out. But anyway, so then, I don't know, a week or so later, he then tells me that the MacBook Pro somehow fell out of his bag and shattered everywhere. And, and it was garbage. This is almost at the end of his cruise. He has not sent me a penny for it from any of his paychecks. And then, and I said, well, clearly your mind is not in the right place if you're grieving your grandpa. That's what happened with the laptop. It has to be, you know, you're not thinking, let's get you off the ship. No, no, I'm going to stay. I need to be here. Like, okay, whatever. Then I don't know, I can't remember if it was exactly two weeks later, but we're getting close to the end of his contract. All of a sudden, grandma dies and I'm like, wow, this is Bizarre. So I do a little Googling. I am a. I'm a researcher and so I like to google, I like to fact check some things. And so I just started Googling. I. Sometimes you do hear about relationships where, you know, couples that have been together, they die of a broken heart. And so one dies and then the other one dies quickly. But something just inside my gut was saying, this seems a little off. So I started Googling like funeral homes looking for obituaries. I started looking at his mom's Facebook. She had an open profile. I was just curious to see if anything was posted about her parents dying.
- [46:12]
Podcast Host
Now I have a quick question.
- [46:13]
Ali
Yeah.
- [46:14]
Podcast Host
When you and him were dating, I guess like times that you were seeing him, did he ever like, did you ever have a conversation with his mom at all? No. Okay, so it was only ever him and you, and he would just kind of like tell you what they were saying. Yeah, got it. Okay.
- [46:29]
Ali
Yeah. And in fact, there were times that we would be FaceTiming and he would be like, oh, I got to go, my mom's calling, I'll call you back after. And I remember like we had a two hour time difference. He was two hours ahead of me, so it was like late at night and his mom is FaceTiming. And I just remember thinking like, that's weird, right? But I was like, well, you know, he's, you know, he works late hours. I don't know, maybe she does too. Maybe this is just a schedule that they, yeah, they work around. But I remember thinking that was really weird. And of course he never facetime me back, so. But I just let it go because I'm again, I'm being honest. I'm being so honest and so transparent. Why am I thinking he's not. Anyway, so now we've got dead grandpa, dead grandma, a shattered laptop, and it's a couple weeks before the contract's ending and I'm scared to bring it up, but like, I want to know when am I going to see him? Because this whole time I've been counting down the weeks to when he's coming to Canada. So I sort of, you know, delicately ask him what his plans are when the cruise contract is up, early December. And he's like, well, you know, I have to go home. I got to go deal with my grandparents estate and stuff. I'm like, okay, well maybe I could come spend Christmas with you. No, I'm going to be really busy. I'm like, okay, well when, when can I see you? Because as you know, based on when we Met last year. I always travel for my birthday, so. And that would be our one year anniversary, so I'd really like to plan something for that week. And he's like, well, I'm probably not going to be able to see you until the third week of January, so if it can wait till then. And I'm just like, are you kidding me? Like, I have been waiting this whole time. Why don't you want to see me? And like, why don't you want me to be there for you while you're grieving your. Your family? But anyway, so not one to really say that out loud, I did a lot of thinking, processing inside, and I thought to myself, if he doesn't make an effort to see me, obviously this is over. Like, I've wasted enough time. I've invested enough time and money in this relationship. So I was at this point where I'm like too far into to get back out. I don't want to give up on the dream that he had.
- [49:18]
Podcast Host
Fed you.
- [49:19]
Ali
Fed me? Yeah. Like, I really, I believed it. I believed it. I wanted it so. But I really needed to, to make a decision. Do I. Do I book a trip to Mexico for the dates that I want to go, tell him where I'm going, and if he can arrange to be there, great. Do I say it and book a trip somewhere else that I'd really wanted to go? Because Mexico really isn't one of my favorite places. But if I do that, then there's. That's a clear decision, that I've ended this relationship or do I work around estates? What I ended up deciding was, I'm going to book the trip for the date that works for me, so. And I'm going to book it. I chose to book a trip from January 5th to 9th, 2023, in Cabo because I knew he loved Cabo and I'd never been there. So I just thought, I'm gonna book this. If things change and he's available and he can come meet me for part of it, then great. I'm in Mexico. All he has to do is meet me.
- [50:40]
Podcast Host
And how far was that distance from where he was?
- [50:43]
Ali
Well, so he was living in central Mexico, so it would still have been a flight, but like, I don't know, maybe an hour or two. It would have been close. Well, I'm gonna say it'd be closer, but it probably the same as if I'd gone to Cancun. But Cabo was just way closer for me and a place I hadn't been before. And he had talked about so much. So I share with him that I've booked a trip to Cabo. I give him my flight details, I give him the condo that I. The Airbnb that I've booked. And I say, if you are able to come, here's where I'll be. I'd love to see you. No pressure, but I'd love to see you. He's immediately pissed at me. He's like, why would you book Cabo? There's way better places in Mexico. If you'd picked Puerto Vallarta, I'd be able to come and see you. I could drive there, but absolutely not. There's no chance I'm coming to Cabo. I was like, okay, well, okay. So I sat on it for a little bit, and I decided to adjust my. My trip instead. I did four days in Cabo, and then four days I moved to Puerto Vallarta. So I shared the new itinerary with him. And I said, if you can, I'll be in Cabo on these dates. If you can make it for these dates, here's where I'll be. Okay, I'll meet you in Cabo, but I can't meet you before then. I think I got the dates wrong. I was there for eight days in Mexico. The dates don't really matter at this point anyway. So this is before he gets home. So he gets home from the cruise early December. One of the first things he does is he sends me, like, mostly naked selfie in the mirror at his mom's house, unsolicited, you know, letting me know he's home. I'm asking how things are going, you know, with family. And he said, oh, it's pretty, pretty tense. Everybody's fighting. Things aren't good. I won't be able to talk to you very much. Like, okay, well, I'll try and give you space. So I think it was New Year's Eve. He texts me, he's asking me what I'm up to and, you know, whatever. We're just talking about regular things. And. And I said, are you still thinking you're going to be able to come to Puerto Vallarta to see me? And he says, yes, for sure. I'll. I'll meet you in Puerto Vallarta. I. I definitely can't meet you in Cabo, and if you stop asking me about it, I'll meet you in Puerto Vallarta. Like, okay, cool message loud and clear. I had to leave where I was living a day before I was arriving in Mexico because I didn't have a direct flight. So the night that I'm leaving to go to Vancouver to spend the night before I fly off to Cabo, I. I get a text from him asking me what I'm doing. And I say, oh, I'm just at the airport. I'm heading to Vancouver. He's like, oh, I thought you were coming tomorrow. Like, what's going on? I'm like, I am. I just don't have a direct flight. And he seemed really sort of bizarre. And I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, well, I gotta go. My mom was just in a car accident. She's in the hospital. I gotta go. And I was like, oh, my God. Is she. Is she gonna be okay? Yeah, she's just gonna be in the hospital for a few days. So I do a little bit of research, and I see that his mom had tagged herself in Facebook as traveling from where they live to Cabo a day or two earlier. And I'm like, well, that's interesting. So I ask a few more clarifying questions about the car accident. I say, like, where did it happen? Like the town that you live in? He's like, yeah, yeah, it happened there. And I was like, oh, is she going to be okay? So I'm like, I'm not going to tell him that I know his mom's in Cabo, But I've created this story now that he's going to surprise me in Cabo. He's going to surprise me. I'm going to meet his mom. They're all coming to Cabo, and. And it's going to be this. This great reunion because what else could it be?
- [54:52]
Podcast Host
There's no way that he's lying about all of this.
- [54:54]
Ali
That's right. You know, like, of course there's, like, moments in your gut where, like, certain things don't add up. Yeah, but of course you.
- [55:02]
Podcast Host
But you think you want to hope for the best, you know?
- [55:04]
Ali
Totally. So, anyway, so we say goodnight. He's off to go take care of mom in the hospital, and I have an early flight out the next day. So the next day comes, it's January 5th, 2023. I travel from Vancouver to Cabo completely thinking he's either going to be at the airport waiting for me or he's going to be at my hotel when I land. You know, the airport's insane in January, so I do a quick scan. I don't see him. So then I go and I wait for my shuttle to my hotel, and I haven't heard from him all day. So I decide to go to Facebook and I see that he has been tagged in a post congratulating him on his wedding. It's a picture of him in a suit and this beautiful girl, woman in a white dress under an arch and her name is tagged and other people are tagged and I'm just. It just, it doesn't make sense. So I like, you know when like you're tagged in something on Facebook, I think it's like a blue font, it's like a link. So I clicked on. It was his name. I clicked on it, but I didn't go anywhere because I was on his page. I'm like, what the. This, this just makes sense. So I click on her and I go to another profile and I click on the other. Like it's all working right? So like when I see this post, I'm in my shuttle on the way to my hotel and I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but like everything goes black and it's spinny and sparkly and like your ears are ringing and it was just like this out of body experience. It just doesn't make sense to me. So I send him a text and I'm like, congrats, did you get married today? And of course, you know, he, he was busy, he couldn't respond for a bit. But eventually he comes back and says to me, no, what are you talking about? So I send a screenshot and then he's like, that's just like you to believe whatever you'd see on the Internet, blah, blah, blah. Gaslighting at its finest. And so I may have sounded stupid up to this point, but I am not stupid. So I was just like enraged. And so by the time I got to my hotel, I had sent a few texts to some key people in my life that knew why I was coming and knew all about him. My relationship was not a secret to anybody in my life. And so I got a number of responses. Like I said, babe, because that's what I called him. Babe got married today. And everybody's like, what the fuck? What do you mean? So then I'd sent the screenshot and I learned that he had gotten married basically while I was in the air flying there. So that means the reception was happening right now. And it turned out that he got married in Cabo at the resort, 450 meters directly behind where I was staying. So I guess I. What? I missed a part that when he said he was going to come to Puerto Vallarta, I changed Everything. I changed my reservation from the beautiful condo I had booked in Cabo, and I picked a less, like, fancy hotel because it didn't matter. It was just me. And then I booked something nicer for Puerto Vallarta. Anyway, it turned out that his wedding reception was literally happening 450 meters directly behind my hotel. I had some really great friends who were doing some pretty fabulous research for me because I was in a state of shock and rage and all of the things. Yeah. And so the reason I know it was 450 meters is because I put it into Google. I'm like, where is this hotel? And. And then like, 450 meters is really fucking close. So a lot of people were like, so what are you going to do? You going to go crash the wedding? And I was like, absolutely not. No. Like, no. Because that's just going to make me look like a complete lunatic. There's no explanation other than I'm a crazy person, a crazy ex. I don't know what the bride and her family and his family are like, what would I be walking into? And I don't really want to go to jail in the first place, but certainly not Mexican jail. Yeah. So I decided not to crash the wedding, but I did go for a walk just to kind of have an idea of how far 450 meters was. And it was really close. And then I went on this, like, toxic cycle of like, rage, text him and then block him before he could respond, and then unblock and rage text and. And then block. And so essentially the texts were like. So I. I haven't gotten into many details, but he ended up owing me a fair amount of money that he never paid me for. So I rage, text, did I pay for the wedding or did I pay for the ring? You know, we're 450 meters apart from each other. I sure hope I can meet your bride. Like, all kinds of things. Like, I'm like, I'm so hurt. And I'm like, your grandpa didn't even die. Like, all of it's so eat.
- [60:52]
Podcast Host
So even the grandparents dying, both was a lie. All a lie. Okay.
- [60:56]
Ali
So anyway, so there are little moments where he's responding and, and giving me more lies, but ultimately I end up blocking him, shutting my phone off, and then like just. Just laying in the fetal position at night and eventually falling asleep and then like, waking up and being so confused, like, this is a bad dream, and then realizing, no, this is real life. So the next morning I turn my phone on and before my Apple logo has Fully even disappeared. My phone starts blowing up, and I'm getting this. These phone calls from this unknown number. And I don't answer unknown numbers at the best of times, but certainly not in Mexico. Not paying those roaming charges for a stranger. Anyway, it. It ends up that it's him because I've blocked him from texting me, right? He can't do anything but call me. And you can't blocked. You can't block an unknown number. So eventually I answer the phone, not realizing it's him, and he's like, let me. Please, please, please, let me explain. I gotta talk to you. Please, please, please. And I'm like, if you want to talk to me, you can walk the 450 meters to my hotel, and you can look me in the eye and tell me what the fuck's been going on. He's like, no, no, no, I can't. I can't. I'll talk to you in Puerto Vallarta. Like, dude, we are not going to Puerto Vallarta.
- [62:27]
Podcast Host
Oh, my God.
- [62:28]
Ali
Yeah. He does eventually tell me that he will meet me in the parking lot of my hotel. So he does. So it's. I don't even know the time anymore because it was all, as you might have guessed, a blur, right? Call it 9:30 in the morning. He walks from his hotel, and he approaches me. I'm sitting in my parking lot, and his head's down, and he's like, walking like a little sad little puppy. And, you know, he's. He's like, I'm sorry. I'm like, sorry? You're sorry? That's the best you have? Like you just married somebody. He's like.
- [63:10]
Podcast Host
And lied a million times.
- [63:11]
Ali
A million times. I said, you're a fucking scammer. And he got so offended that I called him a scammer. I'm like, of all the things that I said to you last night, why are you so offended by me calling you a scammer? He's like, well, because I'm not one. Really? Dude, you just lied to me for an entire year. You used me for money, and you just married somebody. And so he then tries to tell me that we had actually broken up. He and I had broken up in July. He just forgot to mention that to me. Now things had been bumpy. True, but we had not broken up. And I had sent him stuff in July, and I shared that he sent me the mostly naked selfie in December. Like, these are not things we do when we're not together.
- [63:59]
Podcast Host
Yeah, or when you're planning on Getting married to someone else completely.
- [64:02]
Ali
Exactly. So I'm like, basically I'm asking about the person he married and he claims that she was his best friend for 10 years and they just started dating. And I was like, hold on a minute. You're telling me you went from best friends to dating to married in the blink of an eye? He's like, well, yeah, when my grandpa died, we realized how precious life was and so we decided to get married. And I was like, so you're telling me that from like November when Grandpa died to January 5th, you dated and got married? It doesn't make sense. And I'm like.
- [64:43]
Podcast Host
And wait, so did the grant.
- [64:45]
Ali
Did the grandpa. He's. Okay, so he's adamant at that point that the grandfather's grandma and grandpa are dead. And I, and I say to him, and I know they're not dead. He's like, yes, they are. I'm like, they're not.
- [64:56]
Podcast Host
So he was sticking with that.
- [64:58]
Ali
Oh, he was sticking to all his life.
- [64:59]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [64:59]
Ali
And I'm like, I'm like, I, I need to, I'm gonna, I need to meet your wife because she's from Canada too.
- [65:07]
Podcast Host
Wow.
- [65:07]
Ali
Yeah, he's got a type of.
- [65:11]
Podcast Host
Was she blonde?
- [65:12]
Ali
No.
- [65:12]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [65:13]
Ali
Actually, I'll give you a description of her in a second.
- [65:15]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [65:18]
Ali
I said, she needs to know you owe me $9,000. And I want to talk to your mom because I want to know what the been going on.
- [65:29]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [65:29]
Ali
And he's like, I'll pay you the money. I just need my parent, my grandparents estate to come through and I'll pay the money, but please don't tell her, Please, please. I'll tell her in my own time. Blah, blah, blah. So we leave it that he. So he was with me, I think for about an hour on the morning of his wedding, or sorry, morning after his wedding. And we leave it that he's going to talk to his mom and see if she'll meet me. Now a lot of people ask me, why did you want to meet the mom? Because I wanted to know. She was. Nothing he was saying was true and was real. So I felt like she, She's a mom. Yes, his mom, but like she would speak the truth. I. I was convinced that like she was the only way that I could know the truth and she knew about me. So anyway, a few hours or maybe an hour later, I don't remember. It's really all a blur. I get a text from him saying, I told my mom. She's so mad at me, but she says she'll meet you. And then she starts texting me on his phone, and she's begging me not to tell the wife, but she'll meet me, she'll take me for lunch, whatever. And I'm like, okay, great, I'm here right now. Let's go. And she's like, oh, we can't meet right now. We're actually leaving today. But I hear you're going to be in puerto Vallarta on January 9th, so I thought I'd meet you there. And I was just like, I'm here right now. Like, let's do this.
- [67:03]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [67:04]
Ali
So anyway, she. I was not in a good state. Right. Clearly not thinking. Clearly. Really hurt. So obviously anybody listening and looking in would recognize it's not his mom texting me. And there was part of me that sort of questioned that too, but I was just so broken that I. I just accepted it and I said to her, I would rather that we text from your phone. I don't want anything to do with him. Can you please text me? Well, she never did. So I sent her a message on Facebook. And of course she never opened it until I messaged him, being like, interesting that your mom was messaging me, but she hasn't responded. And then I get a mysterious message back from her. So I'm led to believe that if I don't say anything to the wife, she's going to meet me in Puerto Vallarta and she's going to answer any of the questions that I have. So I felt deep in my core, the wife needed to know. Not because I wanted them to break up. I could care less about that, but just especially the fact that she's a fellow Canadian. I felt it was important she at least had the opportunity to know the truth.
- [68:19]
Podcast Host
Yeah. Make a decision based on that.
- [68:21]
Ali
But I also didn't know what kind of person she was. So I didn't want to be delivering this information in Mexico and in person and risk whatever. So I just hung tight and I waited for his mother. So January 9th comes, I fly to Puerto Vallarta. She does not meet me when she says she's going to meet me. And things. I'm strung along all day by him. And I. I make a really big mistake in showing him my cards. And I said, if I don't hear from your mom by 4 o', clock, I'm messaging your wife. Anybody who's listening, don't tell them you're gonna message the wife. So of course I didn't hear from his mom. So at 4 o', clock, I sent his wife a message on Facebook, and I was able to do that because she had been tagged in the post. And so the message was something essentially like, you know, there's no easy way to tell you this, but I just found out through this Facebook post that you married my boyfriend. And like, we're both been with the same guy, and I'm actually in Mexico right now, and I just wanted you to know, and here's my phone number if you want to talk. And as I hit send on that, I. There was like these little gray letters that say, this person doesn't accept messages from people that aren't your friends. Right. I was like, fuck, what am I going to do? So the person that made the post was her mom. So I decided, okay, I'll send it to her. So essentially, I sent the same message to the mom, gave my phone number, and hit send. Well, it didn't take that long for me to get a response from the bride, and it wasn't a very nice one. And essentially, call you or message you back. Message on Facebook.
- [70:21]
Podcast Host
Okay. From her personal or the mom's.
- [70:23]
Ali
Sorry. From the brides. Message me from her Facebook.
- [70:29]
Podcast Host
And so she ended up seeing what you wrote also.
- [70:32]
Ali
Or did she? So that's what I thought at the time.
- [70:35]
Podcast Host
Okay?
- [70:36]
Ali
So I got this nasty message back, being like, I know all about you. You're a desperate old woman. He's told me everything about you. We weren't dating at the same time. I don't want to know anything about you. He. He told me about all the money that he owes you. And that's between you guys, like, basically off. You're a desperate old woman. Leave me alone. I was just like, whoa, right? Message received loud and clear. So I blocked her, deleted her, went away. I then sent her mama message saying, I just heard back from her. She apparently knows everything. I'm so sorry to have bothered you. And I then blocked the mom, so I don't even actually know if that message would have been received, but. So I was already super fragile, but being told that I'm a desperate old woman, that, like, nobody cares about you, Go fuck yourself, essentially, really, really cut deep. And I was that on top of.
- [71:43]
Podcast Host
Everything else, it's like, yeah, just kick me while I'm down.
- [71:47]
Ali
Kick me while I'm down. And so I. My eight days in Mexico were very, very dark. Like, I. I seriously contemplated ending my life because I was just like, here's another person who just throws me away. Nobody cares about me. I'm a desperate old woman.
- [72:04]
Podcast Host
I think, too, it's a very frustrating situation because when you reflect on. On it in that moment, you're probably like, I didn't even want him at first.
- [72:13]
Ali
A thousand percent. So how the.
- [72:15]
Podcast Host
Did I end up here? It's. I think it's more so, like, you beat yourself up.
- [72:19]
Ali
I was so mad at myself. Yeah, because you're right. I really didn't even want to talk to him. And here. Here I am going on this stupid journey with this guy.
- [72:29]
Podcast Host
Exactly. Yeah.
- [72:30]
Ali
Anyway, so I eventually get. Maybe an hour or two later, I get a phone call from an area code that I know to be where her mom would live, because in a weird turn of events, the province that the bride and her mom live in is the one that I grew up in.
- [72:49]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [72:49]
Ali
Not the same one I lived in then, but. But I knew the area. I knew exactly. So, like, I'm not answering that phone call because, again, I'm. I'm in Mexico. I'm not doing roaming charges. I've. I've heard from her abundantly clear. Wants nothing to do with me, so I don't answer. Well, she calls back again, I don't answer. But going back to the. The way we all. The way this all started was. I don't want to be rude, so I send her mom a text back, and I say, I heard back from your daughter. She's made it very clear that she knows what's going on and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I'm so sorry to involve you. I'll leave you alone. So I send that text and I block her number, and I. Again, I'm just. I'm not. I'm not. Good. Um, fast forward to the end of my trip in this beautiful condo that I'm supposed to be with him, supposed to be having a baby or practicing or getting pregnant or whatever. And it's just not what I had expected. All I want to do is not be around anymore. So I. As I'm getting out of the cab at the airport, I happen to get a text or a Facebook message from his mother. And it essentially says something like, you are a desperate old woman and nobody gives a shit about you. Megan's family is so fed up that. That you've been bothering them that if you don't stop harassing them, they're going to file a restraining order. And Megan actually is pregnant, and you've caused her so much stress, she's been in the emergency room. So we'll send you the money that he owes you, but Basically off. Never talk to us again. And if I hear from you again, I won't be as nice. And I'm just like, so this is. As I'm walking into the airport and I'm already so broken. Like, I block her. I don't remember checking in for my flight. All I remember is going through security and taking a hard left and going to a bar and drinking. So I'm like, I need to numb this. This is so fucked up. And when I sat down, all I could do was think to write my will, because I'm like, I'm not. I can't do this anymore. But I knew I couldn't do that because my dad was actually quite broken after my mom died. Really sad, not himself. So I felt like I can't do that to him. So, anyway, I get back home. Everybody at home knows about my trip. Many of them know how it went. And so, you know, like, I. I go inward. I don't want to talk about it. I'm embarrassed, I'm hurt, I'm super depressed. And I'm patiently waiting for the amount of days that they claim it's going to take for this money to be sent to me, thinking, once I get my $9,000, like, it's done. Fuck them, whatever. I'm just a desperate old woman. I'll have a desperate life, but at least I'll have my $9,000 back. Well, naturally, the money doesn't show up, so I have to reach out to him. So we have a series of emails back and forth, and as you might guess, they're not overly friendly. And he tells me that he's lost everything. His family's all mad at him. His. His wife now knows about this and she's not talking to him. And he's never going to get to meet his child, and he hates me and I'm a horrible person. And he just found out, actually, that he has cancer. And so he doesn't want to talk to me. He just wants to live his remaining days in peace. Like you. You don't have cancer. Yeah, like, I don't care if you do, but, like, you don't have cancer. Pay me the money.
- [76:56]
Podcast Host
Was she actually pregnant? No.
- [76:59]
Ali
Yeah.
- [76:59]
Podcast Host
She just lies about everything.
- [77:01]
Ali
Literally everything is a lie.
- [77:03]
Podcast Host
But him and this woman were married at this point, and were they actually good friends for 10 years prior to that?
- [77:12]
Ali
No. Okay, I know it all. I know it all. Okay, I could give you a spoiler right now. Give it. She and I end up becoming besties. So. Okay, so he tells Me, He's. He's. He's got cancer and he's gonna get me the money, but basically, leave me alone. And I say, I know you don't have cancer. Like, you're a disgusting human being. And actually, at that time, which would have been six weeks after the wedding, my dad is diagnosed with terminal cancer. So I'm like, you're a horrible person to claim you have cancer when my dad actually, literally was just diagnosed with terminal cancer. Like, go yourself. So we go back and forth with toxic emails. Spoiler alert. To this day, I've never received payment. He still owes me $9,000. My dad, he. Six weeks after he was diagnosed, he died. In the last two weeks of his life, I flew across the country to spend with him. And I was so hurt and bothered and upset about how I had been used and over and how nobody cared about me and my side of the story based on, you know, the communication with the mother and the wife. And so I wasn't really able to be super present with my dad. Like, I was. He was sleeping 23 hours a day. He was falling. I was doing the things. But in the time that I wasn't focused on him, I was just focused on just feeling like I needed to send a letter. Maybe not to the bride anymore, because she didn't. She clearly didn't care about me, but to her mother, because I was actually closer in age to her mother than I was to her. And I just. I decided to send a letter to her mother to say, here's the story. We were dating for this amount of time. We were going to have a baby. He owes me nine grand. I'm only writing to you so that, one, you know the truth. Two, you can maybe help me to serve him with legal papers because he owes me $9,000. And if you don't like, your daughter's kind of liable for this. And also in the correspondence that I've had from your daughter, it's a bit concerning because her English isn't as fluent as one might expect. So I ended up mailing her a letter. I'm a researcher, so I was able to figure out where they work. And I sent her mom a letter that we call the package Now. It was like a big thing, thick thing with, you know, proof of everything in the letter. And I mailed it to her, what ended up being 12 hours before my dad died. And I needed to send that letter so that I could get rid of it and then focus on my dad. And then he ends up dying, and he Ends up dying in the exact same hospital room that my mom died in three and a half years earlier. So, like, I'm really broken at this point, but I'm feeling like I can lift any of the. The stuff with him. Like, it doesn't matter anymore. So I mailed a letter. I don't give a return address. I don't give my phone number again. I don't want to hear from them. But I also don't, like, hide my email address because I don't want to make it look like I'm hiding anything. So, a week after my dad dies, I get a message from the bride, and she says, I got your package in the mail, and you. You seem to think that we've been speaking, and I have a lot of questions. We spoke on the phone for two hours. She didn't know any of it. They had been together for three and a half years. They had been engaged. He proposed to her on May 5, Cinco de Mayo, the day that he sent me the picture with his laptop. I couldn't come visit because she was there with his family. She didn't know anything. She did have this weird feeling that something was off, though. And so we don't know if it's exact, but we both feel pretty confident that right around the time I was compelled to mail the package, she said to the universe, hey, there's something I need to know here. Give me a sign. Like, something feels weird. Just give me a sign. I was able. I did most of the talking. She asked a lot of questions, but I did most of the talking. And I was able to pinpoint the exact moment that he went from being a happy, go, lucky groom, so madly in love and carefree, to all of a sudden sick to his stomach, to wanting to go hide in the room, to throwing up, to, like, just wanting to get out of there. Because it's. When I sent the message, she had no idea that he met me. The morning after the wedding. He had told her he was sick, sent her off to breakfast with her family. He goes and talks to me. When he said he was going to meet me in Puerto Vallarta, they were actually on their honeymoon. It was him that responded to the Facebook message. She was never pregnant. It was all a lie. Grandparents not dead, all a lie. So, like I said, we talked on the phone for two hours.
- [83:16]
Podcast Host
I have a quick question. How did him and her meet? Do you know that?
- [83:20]
Ali
I do. They met three and a half years earlier in Cabo at the resort that he worked at.
- [83:29]
Podcast Host
So. And she Was on vacation.
- [83:30]
Ali
She was on vacation.
- [83:31]
Podcast Host
Wow.
- [83:32]
Ali
And then they ultimately went back to that resort and that's where they got married. I now know that he loved Cabo so much because it was connected to her. They actually lived in Cabo together during COVID and she.
- [83:49]
Podcast Host
But she was from. And living in Canada, correct?
- [83:52]
Ali
Yeah.
- [83:53]
Podcast Host
So you were like a replica, which is different.
- [83:57]
Ali
Well, let me tell you, okay, so she's. I'm nine years older than him. He's nine years older than her. I'm 18 years older than her. How disgusting would that be for her to think, like, it's disgusting for me to even say so that's one thing. I'm five foot one, blonde hair. She's six foot one, long, beautiful dark hair. Physically, we could not be any more different. Personality, heart, were he picks great women. She. She and I have become really, really close in this, this, this time together, which, you know, I'm really grateful for, because part of the hesitancy in reaching out to her is quite often women stand by their men and they attack the woman that's reaching out. And so I was terrified when she wanted to talk on the phone, but also I. I needed to know that it was actually her.
- [85:08]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [85:08]
Ali
And so one of the first things she said to me on that phone call, I believe you. We're both victims here. So anyway, as I said, we talked on the phone for about two hours and we left it that if she needed anything, she could contact me. But I had no intention of ever talking to her again. I had no intention of ever. It was, it was done for me. Right. And like, again, I didn't care if they broke up. That wasn't my mission. I. She just needed to know the truth. And I should say, after the phone call, she did leave him. So they got married, but there was actually a paperwork issue and so they weren't able to legally get married in Mexico that day. So she was thankfully able to get out of it. Able to get out of it. So when she received the package, she confronted him. He said he. He gas lit her, said he didn't know what it was all fake. Right. Then she talked to me on the phone. She gave him another opportunity. Totally lied about everything again. She blocked him. So the next day I start getting some, like, weird emails that at first I thought it was just spam, so I just trashed it. And then I, I got another one and I recognized the name. So I'm like, what's going on? And it's basically, it's his account saying, you Know if you don't retract everything you're saying, we're going to make your life a living hell. We know everything about you. We know where you work. We know all these things. And sent a screenshot of my LinkedIn profile, okay? So I go to my LinkedIn and I'm like, who's viewed my profile? Who do you think's viewed my profile? So I send her a message and I say, hey, I'm getting these weird messages from this name. It's obviously him. She's like, oh, my God, I got some messages from that same name. And it's saying that, you know, he's innocent and she really needs to talk to him, that all his friends are worried about him, he's going to kill himself, blah, blah, blah, right? So we start communicating because we're both getting messages. And so what went from no intention of ever speaking again turned into, we were. We ended up, you know, being in constant communication because that was just the beginning. I. He went on a rampage. He lost his mind. He created unlimited fake accounts. So social media, email accounts, phone numbers to harass and blackmail and threaten me, to love bomb and beg her to talk to him, but also accounts in my name to harass and intimidate her and her family. So we were in constant communication, thankfully, especially when I learned, well, that's the only way I learned that her family was getting messages from me that clearly I wasn't sending, things started to escalate. I was getting messages. So at this point, it's April. My dad died April 6th. It's like middle of April. I'm getting constant messages. Early May, I get a horrible message from his mother, his mother, telling me that he's killed himself and it's my fault and she is a mother with nothing to lose. And if I don't retract everything and tell the wife that I made it all up, she has access to all his files, and she is going to release my intimate photos and videos, and she's going to make me pay because I have ruined her, her life, her son's life, all because I'm a desperate old woman. My son would never want you anyway. He was obviously only ever using you for money. You name it. Six weeks after my dad died, my intimate photos and videos that I had sent to him while he was working on the cruise ship were posted on social media. I was tagged. My employer's social media was tagged. They were sent to my employer, they were posted on porn sites. And it was just a constant harassment, harassment and so six weeks after my dad dies, my last living parent. So when my dad died, it brought up all of the. The grief that I had losing my mom. And then actually a year almost to the day after my mom died, my dog died, and then my dad dies. And then like I'm grieving this relationship, this life that I was presented, that was going to be a thing. And so I'm really broken. And then intimate photos and videos are out there. I wanted to kill myself. Like, it was so dark. Like, what do you do? How do you stop that? So I ended up taking a leave of absence from work.
- [90:46]
Podcast Host
What did work say to you?
- [90:48]
Ali
Well, first of all, first of all, I contacted corporate security when I found out that their social media had been tagged. And it's a huge company and fortunately I knew the corporate security people because we sat on the same floor. And so I talked to the person who managed that stuff and he said, you're right, he did do those things. What happens when our company and probably all big organizations when somebody is tagged? It goes into like a vacuum. This episode is brought to you by LifeLock. Between two factor authentication, strong passwords and a VPN, you try to be in control of how your info is protected. But many other places also have it and they might not be as careful. That's why LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Save up to 40% your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast for 40% off. Terms apply.
- [91:55]
Podcast Host
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- [92:36]
Ali
N rakuten.com and so you the the tag. The post has to be approved. So thankfully, all of the things that he posted, just went into this container. But this colleague of mine saw them, knows me. Shara, Elevator, a kitchen. So he's like. He took care of it all. He. He never. It never actually got posted, but. So he was super supportive. My ex made numerous email addresses and was sending them to my employer. So anytime a new email address was. They went in and they, like, pulled it from anybody's inbox or like, they.
- [93:20]
Podcast Host
They were on it.
- [93:21]
Ali
They were on it. They were really great. My immediate manager, supervisor, they. They were qualified to deal with this. My leave was approved. Let's just leave it at that. I ended up taking a mental health leave for six weeks or, sorry, six months. I contemplated killing myself a lot. The threats were endless. I couldn't sleep through the night. It escalated. I would get threats. Things were being sent to work, things that were being sent to my house. People were watching me out of my house, claiming that the cartel were involved. Then I started getting death threats. All like trying to figure out how to navigate a world with no parents, no partner, no kids, was pretty awful. So I ended up going into hiding just for my own safety for a little while. And what was happening behind the scenes. So that was all happening to me. What was happening at the time with her is that he was reaching out to all of her family members, to her, constantly begging them to get her to speak to him. Because after we spoke, she blocked him and she never spoke to him again. Like, she needs to offer a masterclass in blocking the cutoff game, people.
- [94:59]
Podcast Host
Yeah, that's really difficult too. And that's another thing. Kind of going back to what we said in the beginning is it's. You know, even if somebody does something so horrible, it can be very difficult to just cut that off. Especially when you've had this idea in your mind of a way that you thought one person was and then who they are to you now. It's like, it's. It can be very hard to just cold turkey, be like, you.
- [95:24]
Ali
I'm mad. Totally.
- [95:25]
Podcast Host
Good for her.
- [95:25]
Ali
Totally. I. I'm so proud of her.
- [95:28]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [95:28]
Ali
I don't know how she did it, but yeah. So he was just constantly harassing them, essentially for months and months and months. But what the other thing that he was doing was, like I said, he created a bunch of accounts in my name. He was harassing them. But he was also claiming that he and his family, everything that was being done to me, besides the intimate photos that was happening to them. So they were getting death threats. They were afraid for their lives. I'm Crazy. You name it. Yeah, I was doing it all to. To all of those people. Her birthday is in July, so the, the death threats were really quite heavy in July. And he decided. So her birthday's at the end of July. He decided in the beginning of July to threaten her life. And so for the. Basically, the big lead up to her birthday was she was going to get murdered on her birthday. But that. I was behind it. I was. I was hiring somebody to murder her. Like, why would I murder her? Why? It made no sense. But the, The. The wild things that were sent to her to try and scare her and believe that her life was in danger, it was just endless. And then her birthday comes, and he sends her a dozen roses, a love letter, and a teddy bear, being like, I know we're not together right now, but I'll always be her husband. So it's like these multiple personalities of, like, love bombing and then terrorizing this woman.
- [97:18]
Podcast Host
And was he working at this time?
- [97:20]
Ali
So funny you ask if he was working. There's a bigger story around that. But essentially he ends up getting fired from the cruise.
- [97:30]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [97:31]
Ali
And he blames me first, and then he blames his wife. And I go into bigger detail.
- [97:38]
Podcast Host
On your podcast.
- [97:39]
Ali
On my podcast. But anyway, no, he wasn't working, so he had nothing but time.
- [97:44]
Podcast Host
That's what I was saying.
- [97:45]
Ali
Rage, Right? To. To be able to harass you constantly. At one point, I don't remember the exact numbers anymore, but at one point, I believe there were almost a hundred. For sure, there was 50. Maybe there's a hundred email addresses, Instagram accounts, Tick tocks.
- [98:02]
Podcast Host
So he just kept making.
- [98:04]
Ali
Every time you bought phone numbers, you name it, it was constant. Anyway, so fast forward to about November. So basically, anytime I share any part of this story with anybody, the constant response I get is, oh, my God, this should be a Netflix documentary. This is crazy. And I can't believe it happened to you, Ali. Like, you're so normal. Like, it's so crazy that this happened to you. And so I knew that I needed to tell my story. I just didn't know how.
- [98:44]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [98:45]
Ali
I was an interior designer for the first 20 years of my career, so I knew how to draw things. I know how to pick a color. But to. To write a book or create some kind of documentary, talk about your personal life. No idea. And of course, everything that I'm sharing here should be so private and so cringy and so embarrassing, because it is.
- [99:14]
Podcast Host
Right?
- [99:15]
Ali
And I, like, I get it. Like, it's so easy to judge and think how stupid I am. It's a different thing when you're in it anyway.
- [99:26]
Podcast Host
So, you know, like, at that point, like you just mentioned, you know, you are in a place where I feel like. Or you were in a place at that time where you felt like this story and situation was more embarrassing and shameful than anything else. I think right after something like that happens, it's hard to kind of see the light at the end of the tunnel, the positivity that you can turn into this. And I don't think anybody, you know, when something happens to you, no one's immediate thought is like, how can I share this? You know, I feel like that takes time to kind of figure out.
- [99:58]
Ali
Oh, it took time. It took a lot. I had a lot of therapy, a lot. I had a life coach. I was spending a lot of time alone and quiet in my thoughts, and they were really, really, really dark days. But eventually those dark days got a little bit lighter, and eventually I decided, him, he's not. He's not doing this to me. I'm standing up and I'm taking it back.
- [100:28]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [100:29]
Ali
And so in that journey, I decided that I was going to tell my story on a podcast. I didn't know how to do that, but I did know my story, and I could. I could control it. I could figure this out and I could just share my story. And the point of sharing my story was to let it go, to help me heal. And it. And it really did.
- [100:57]
Podcast Host
So how long after everything unfolded, what was the time frame between that and then beginning to really come out and share your story and feel like you were comfortable enough to talk about it publicly?
- [101:08]
Ali
Okay. So he got married in January. Okay. My nudes went out. My dad died in April. My nudes went out. Mid to end, maybe. I started working on my podcast, thinking about it. What's it going to look like in November? And I made the decision it had to be done by December 31, 2023, because I wasn't taking this into next year. Yeah.
- [101:36]
Podcast Host
So basically kind of like almost. Almost a year.
- [101:39]
Ali
Totally. Yeah. A year of hell, like, multiple storms happening in that year. It was awful.
- [101:45]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [101:46]
Ali
But. But what it did do with all that therapy and all that time and slowing things down is it also allowed me to start to reevaluate other areas of my life that weren't serving me anymore. And so some of that was my job as an interior designer and working for that company. And you saw how I sort of uncomfortably dodged around how I was supported at work. And so I decided it's probably not the right fit for me. So I had to find some kind of meaning for why it was me, this normal, boring person who. Who got. Found herself in this situation. And I decided it had to be me because I was the one strong enough to stand up and stop him. It had to be me because this experience was meant to totally change the trajectory of my life. And so I. I had such a transformation with therapy and a life coach that I decided maybe this all happened so that I could become a coach. Maybe I could start to help other people. Their stories don't have to be anywhere near what mine is, but maybe this might be helpful. So. So anyway, I. I released my podcast called Sex, Lies, and Tacos.
- [103:18]
Podcast Host
Now that makes sense to me.
- [103:20]
Ali
The tacos. Yeah, that name came to me in the middle of the night. I wasn't. I still don't really sleep through the night anymore because of this trauma, but it came to me in the middle of the night. So I released the first part by December 31, 2022. And I. I can't say. It certainly was freeing. Like, I. I bawled after, and I was like, holy, I can't believe I just did this. You should be embarrassed. What if he finds it? All of the things right? But eventually, as people started to hear it, they started to, like, really rally around me and support me. And then I started sharing more in the story. A really important thing to share is that in December 2022, just before Christmas, he decided to release her intimate photos and videos to social media in accounts that were in my name. And so it wasn't just the need to tell this story for me, but I felt like I needed to do something for her. And ultimately, what ended up happening is he did eventually find out about the podcast. He listened to it, and I protect his identity in the podcast, much like I am here. But I make it very clear that if he doesn't stop harassing her and I. If the pictures don't go away, if all of this doesn't stop, that I'll re. Record and I will share his name. I'll share all of it.
- [105:05]
Podcast Host
So is he still harassing you guys?
- [105:08]
Ali
That podcast and calling him out stopped it. Wow.
- [105:12]
Podcast Host
So that ended in. Was that 22 or 23?
- [105:14]
Ali
So that we're in 23 now. Okay. So the episode where I call him out, because it took some time. It was like May right around the Cinco de Mayo date. So his harassment with me started to dwindle. December, January, like 2022, 23. And the focus really became on her.
- [105:38]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [105:39]
Ali
Because she had moved on and he was angry and hurt. And so the harassment with her continued on until May. And I truly believe it was me calling him out in that episode to say, right. Like the, the police were involved. For anybody who's wondering too, like, that happens a lot. When I share this story. People are screaming at me, like, what do you, like, where were the police?
- [106:04]
Podcast Host
And I also want to mention too, I don't think people realize that can be very difficult as well. Like, it's not as easy as like, oh, somebody's harassing me. Do something. Like a lot of times they can't really do much.
- [106:17]
Ali
So you're right. So thankfully the police took this very seriously. There was just so much evidence. But when it comes to like death threats, they can't do anything unless somebody's actually at your door.
- [106:30]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [106:32]
Ali
What? Every single thing he did is so incredibly illegal. Nobody's disputing that. The tricky part is he was in Mexico and we were in Canada.
- [106:44]
Podcast Host
Okay.
- [106:44]
Ali
And so they're not, I mean, there's murderers, like, they're not, you know.
- [106:50]
Podcast Host
Right. They're, they're. I feel like they're not as pressed when it comes to people getting harassed on social media.
- [106:55]
Ali
Yeah. But it is, it is very much all of those things.
- [106:59]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [107:00]
Ali
Like extortion.
- [107:01]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [107:02]
Ali
Distribution of intimate photos without consent.
- [107:07]
Podcast Host
I mean, and also just like, overall, you're getting bullied online and that leads people to take their own lives.
- [107:13]
Ali
100 and like. Yeah. I think that's the part that's like, it's not just like that. We, we hear about this happening with kids.
- [107:23]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [107:24]
Ali
And a lot of kids, like, they do kill themselves because it's. How do you recover? It's awful. We don't hear about it happening to middle aged women. Yeah. But it happens to anybody and everybody. And for the people saying, why would you send a picture? You're so stupid to send a picture. Tell me that you wouldn't do something with somebody that you thought you trusted. Tell me you wouldn't. In a long distance relationship, it's easy to say. It's all so easy to say.
- [107:56]
Podcast Host
It's also a very, I think people. That's a very taboo subject and one I've never completely understood. I mean, like granite. Yeah. When you're young and your child and you're in high school, like, okay, don't send your naked pictures to your high school boyfriends for obvious reasons, you know, but like when you are in an intimate relationship and one, like you said, you Trust somebody. To me, that's very normal. Long distance or not, you know, you're having sex and doing stuff in person when you guys are away during the day or for weeks at a time. That's.
- [108:28]
Ali
Yeah, very normal.
- [108:30]
Podcast Host
You know what I mean? So it's like anybody that's saying it's not.
- [108:33]
Ali
Yeah, shut up.
- [108:35]
Podcast Host
Maybe it's not your cup of tea. Maybe you're very boring. How about that?
- [108:38]
Ali
How about that? Exactly. How about you shut the up?
- [108:42]
Podcast Host
Right, exactly, exactly.
- [108:45]
Ali
So anyway, it. Ultimately it's. It's done. Yeah, it's done. I share a lot more details in my podcast. It's like 12 episodes or something. But. But I guess the point in sharing all of this is just to say, like, you know, this can happen to. To anybody. It can happen. You know, mine was like the perfect storm of, like, ignoring red flags and ignoring my intuition and, like, trying to be nice and doing all of those things. But at the end of the day, what happened, I didn't deserve. All I was guilty of was trusting somebody, believing that they had the same intentions that I had, and loving the wrong person. All she was guilty of was the exact same things because he approached her in the exact same way. He manipulated her, he chose, charmed her. And yeah, she's 18 years younger than me, but that doesn't mean. That doesn't take away from his ability.
- [109:53]
Podcast Host
And that just goes to show, too, like, even the age difference, it shows that, you know, it. There is no. It doesn't discriminate who this can happen to, like you said.
- [110:03]
Ali
And, you know, this should probably come as no surprise to anybody, but obviously there were multiple other women. And so in releasing my podcast, it's actually brought forward. Wow, some other women, I was.
- [110:19]
Podcast Host
I was thinking, like, in my head, I was wondering, like, I was like, there has to be.
- [110:23]
Ali
I'm sure there's hundreds, but there are some.
- [110:26]
Podcast Host
How many came forward?
- [110:28]
Ali
Let's just say I was in a group chat with, like, four other women at one point about it, so.
- [110:34]
Podcast Host
And this was all overlapping. Found you from the podcast or.
- [110:38]
Ali
I found them. Right. Basically, I'm a researcher. What can I say? Yeah, but. But. So he's like a serial opportunist scammer.
- [110:50]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [110:51]
Ali
Womanizer.
- [110:52]
Podcast Host
Taking money from all of them.
- [110:54]
Ali
Well, it's interesting. He. He took from me the most. He often paid for things with. She hates it when I call her the wife, but rather than, like, surname. But he often paid for things for her. But. But she paid for rent and stuff. So. Yeah, there were. Yeah, I Think I was the more extreme one. He did. There's at least two others that. Well, first of all, he met us all in the exact same way. All from the resort, different resorts, but. And, like, we're talking like, crazy, independent, educated, strong women.
- [111:33]
Podcast Host
Yeah. I think, too, there is something about this. What's the word? Not pressure. But when a guy keeps just, like, trying, it's like, you know, you can know in your head, I'm not interested, I'm not interested. But it's like when somebody keeps trying, I think that's when you start to question and doubt yourself and your intuition and the red flags and you're like. Like, maybe I should just give this guy a chance. Like, you know what I mean? And I think that a lot of times is something that is very common where you deny, deny, deny, because you genuinely aren't interested. But then you're like, wow, this person's really persistent. Maybe for myself and for the experience, I should.
- [112:18]
Ali
Yeah, well. And I think. I don't know if this is the case as much anymore. So I can only talk about my experience and my upbringing. But, like, we're taught to be nice little girls. Women can't get angry. Women can't be assertive because we're bitches. We're. We're, whatever.
- [112:37]
Podcast Host
Crazy.
- [112:37]
Ali
We're crazy. And so the last thing I want is to be labeled any of those things because I have a feeling that doesn't feel good for you to hear about. And so, yeah, do I wish that I had never even entered into the conversation a hundred percent. However, I have had to come to a place of gratitude for it, because if this shit show hadn't happened, I'd still be living the life that I wasn't feeling fulfilled in. So what ended up happening? Like, I've changed my career. I'm doing things I never would have even imagined I would do. But the other thing that happened was I ended up getting laid off from my job. And it ended up being January 2024. So a year after, two days after my birthday. So it was like I had been hoping and manifesting because I wasn't happy. But I. I didn't want to quit. But I think for all of this stuff to be happening in January, it was like this. This container, and it was like it was supposed to happen, was really awful, but it needed to happen so that I could change my life, do something to help other people, particularly women who, you know, life hits you hard sometimes and you feel like you don't want to do it. You want to give up. And, and my goal in what I've gone through is to show people that sometimes those things can become the catalyst for your most epic transformation. And so.
- [114:36]
Podcast Host
Yeah, well, you know, I was going to say, too. You took the words out of my mouth, but I was going to say, you know, it led you to this transformative moment in your life. And I think too, you know, just from how you were describing yourself prior to all of this, even though, you know, you were this independent woman, I think even after this happening, how you were saying, you had this shame and embarrassment and guilt and everything, I think that by making. Having this happen, going through all the hell of it and then coming out and deciding to speak publicly and then help others, it almost forced you to find your voice, you know, and it, it also at one point forced you into this isolation, which obviously is very lonely and very sad. But I also think the biggest transformations happen within yourself when you're alone. So, you know, all of, like, obviously that situation with him was a nightmare, was horrible, should never happen to anybody. I think it put you and led you on this path that you probably needed one way or another. Maybe not from that, but, you know, it forced you into this, like, almost like self reflection and self transformation. And it, like you said, it made you start doing things you never would have imagined. But I almost feel like it's so empowering because it makes you realize how resilient and strong you are, like in ways that you probably didn't even imagine. And you become that strength and that voice for other women. Because, you know, whether it's a woman that already went through something like this or one that hears your story and then maybe goes through something years later and is like, oh, I remember hearing a story like this, or I remember somebody that went through something, you know, just like me or worse than me, and if she could get through it, well, I can get through it, you know, or it just, it encourages other people to use their voice too and to use their story.
- [116:25]
Ali
And that's the whole point. Right. Yeah. And I have to say, you know, like, losing my parents was hard enough.
- [116:33]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [116:34]
Ali
But honestly, I don't think I would have taken the time out of my life taking a mental health leave just because my parents died.
- [116:42]
Podcast Host
Right.
- [116:43]
Ali
That's weak. Right. Obviously that's ridiculous. And I would never think that of anybody else, but I think maybe this just had to happen.
- [116:51]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [116:51]
Ali
In order to force me. And, and yeah, it's, it's, it's in that self reflection that everything got so loud for me to say, hey, you're not happy. Here, here, here, and here. Now's the time.
- [117:05]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [117:06]
Ali
You're already at your lowest point.
- [117:09]
Podcast Host
Right. Because I think in. You faced a moment in your life when you had the decision to end it all or change it all.
- [117:17]
Ali
Yeah.
- [117:18]
Podcast Host
And thankfully. Amazing.
- [117:20]
Ali
Here we are.
- [117:21]
Podcast Host
Yes. Here we are.
- [117:22]
Ali
Here we are.
- [117:23]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [117:23]
Ali
Yeah. So, yeah, that it was. So that was 2023. So it's just over two years ago that this was all unfolding.
- [117:35]
Podcast Host
So with your podcast that's fully released, do you do anything else with it?
- [117:41]
Ali
Yes. So season one is just my story.
- [117:46]
Podcast Host
Got it.
- [117:47]
Ali
And it's long and it's cringy and detailed. Very detailed. And the plan had been that season two would be the wife's version that's changed. Not everybody heals the same way. Not everybody wants to put energy into that. So a lot of people want that side of things. So maybe if. If we can make this happen on Netflix, that would happen. But I've had a lot of people reach out to me, though, that have heard my story in a variety of different ways. And so I've decided to start a season two, and I start sharing other people's stories. So right now, I just have one person's story whose name happens to also be Ally. But. But the plan is to provide a safe platform for people to share their story. It doesn't have to be the exact same as mine. It can be, you know, much like what you're doing, it's just offering a space for people to feel heard, feel seen, feel supported, because these. These situations are super lonely. And. And maybe if people start talking about things a bit more, there'll be less judgment around it. And maybe. Maybe you don't ever find yourself in a situation like mine, but maybe somebody in your life somewhere has a piece of my story. Maybe in hearing my story, you know, now how to show up for them. Maybe instead of criticizing them for making these stupid decisions, maybe you ask how you can support them.
- [119:28]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [119:29]
Ali
You know, because everybody's so quick to victim blame and shame. That's not what we need.
- [119:35]
Podcast Host
No. And I. You know, judgment is. It's a funny thing because I think, like you said, people are so quick to do it, and they don't ever actually take a second to think, like, what if I was in that situation? And I don't even think by thinking that way, you can actually know, unless you're in it, what you would do. And not only that, but I think, too, your story serves as, like, this way to maybe not to cause people to have this wall or this guard.
- [120:02]
Ali
Up, but to maybe just have those.
- [120:04]
Podcast Host
Thoughts in the back of your mind of, like, let me be prepared, because, I mean, I really hate to say it, there are good women and men out there. There are. They're harder to find. But manipulators and narcissists and these calculated people that want to hurt people and want to solely for their own benefit, they are out there. And I think that it should be discussed. And there's a way to, like, have your heart open, but also to protect yourself in a way. And I think that's important because not, like you said, not everybody has the same heart as you. Unfortunately, no.
- [120:42]
Ali
And I have to say, like, the biggest, the, the most common piece of feedback I get is I was yelling at my device. Listening, like, yelling at you. Why are you ignoring this? I was mad at you. I was thinking, you're an idiot. But by the end, I just, I saw myself in you and I felt. I feel so bad for you and I'm so proud of you because you chose yourself and you stood up. And so, yeah, again, that's, that's just. The whole point is I just, I think that we all. Nobody's life is perfect and it's, it's always easy to think that we know better than others. But anyway, my new life mission is to help people get through their darkest moments and come out the other side, you know?
- [121:30]
Podcast Host
Yeah.
- [121:31]
Ali
My coaching is focused on resilience and reinvention. I, I, Yeah.
- [121:39]
Podcast Host
Well, and I'll definitely, like I said I would, I'll definitely link all of that so that if anybody. So if people wanted to use you for, like, any coaching and stuff, is it just a link that people can.
- [121:49]
Ali
Yeah. So what I, I'll give you is like my website and my Instagram and then.
- [121:54]
Podcast Host
Perfect. And people can just reach out to you.
- [121:55]
Ali
Yeah. And even if. Well, and the podcast thing. But even on the podcast notes, it says how to get a hold of me. Hopefully you can weave this all together so that it makes sense.
- [122:03]
Podcast Host
Yes, it's. You did amazing. It was so.
- [122:06]
Ali
Thanks. I'm so sweaty. Are you? Well, it's. No, you know what it's like. No, no, it's emotion. It's emotion.
- [122:13]
Podcast Host
You did amazing, though. And I like, I followed along perfect. It was. Nothing was confusing. Nothing felt. That's why I like to go into things blindly, because I'm like, I know if I can follow along and hear it. Yes, others can. You did amazing.