Podcast Summary: "Growing up with 45 Siblings | Raised to be Polygamist"

Podcast Information:
Title: We're All Insane
Host: Devorah Roloff
Episode: Growing up with 45 Siblings | Raised to be Polygamist
Release Date: July 28, 2025

Introduction to Ashley's Polygamous Upbringing

In this deeply personal episode, Ashley shares her unique and challenging upbringing within a polygamous family structure. She reveals that her father had six wives simultaneously, resulting in a sprawling family of 45 siblings. Ashley explains, "That's the number that we go with... Could be more, could be a little less, but 45" ([00:00]). This large family dynamic sets the stage for the complexities and emotional challenges she faced growing up.

Early Childhood and Family Dynamics

Ashley recounts her early years spent in Nevada and Utah, living in trailers with limited amenities. She describes the instability within the family, where her father’s gambling addiction led to the departure of his other wives when she was just two years old, leaving her mother to stay with him and continue having children. "We grew up in those trailers. Everybody had these trailers..." ([03:18]). Despite having numerous siblings, Ashley highlights a sense of disconnection and trauma from repeatedly being separated from loved ones.

The Impact of Polygamous Communities

Discussing the broader context, Ashley clarifies that her family's polygamy was not part of the mainstream Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (FLDS) but rather a smaller offshoot group. She notes, "We're closer now, because I see them way more than I see my family. So I'm very thankful for them" ([145:01]). This distinction is crucial in understanding the varied practices and beliefs within different polygamous communities.

Traumatic Experiences and Mental Health Struggles

A pivotal moment in Ashley’s life was the tragic suicide of her 14-year-old brother, Ammon. She shares the harrowing experience of discovering his death and the ensuing guilt and suicidal thoughts that plagued her. "Ammon killed himself... I felt so guilty for not, like, acting on that thought I had" ([33:47]-[48:28]). This event deeply affected her mental health, leading to prolonged struggles with depression and anxiety, compounded by the religious beliefs that deemed suicide as a path to hell.

Breaking Free from Polygamy

Ashley and her husband, Paul, both raised in the same polygamous group, eventually decided to leave the religion. Their marriage, occurring shortly after the loss of their brothers, marked the beginning of their journey towards healing and redefining their lives outside the restrictive beliefs of their upbringing. "We didn’t feel ready. We have to live this way..." ([85:56]-[98:10]). Their decision was not without challenges, including disapproval from some family members and internal conflicts driven by years of ingrained beliefs.

Motherhood as a Path to Healing

Becoming mothers played a significant role in Ashley’s healing process. Through raising her daughter and sons, she found purpose and a way to break free from the cycles of her past. "Having a daughter and having sons, I never want them to feel that way" ([139:21]-[158:25]). Ashley emphasizes the importance of self-worth, mental health awareness, and healthy coping mechanisms, both for herself and her children.

Advocacy and Acts of Kindness

To honor her brother and promote mental health awareness, Ashley and her sisters founded "Dear Sister Boutique," a clothing boutique dedicated to fundraising for families affected by suicide. She describes, "We had a clothing boutique for a few years, and it was a really big part of our healing journey" ([124:22]-[157:06]). Additionally, Ashley practices and encourages random acts of kindness, believing in their healing power and their ability to foster community and support.

Overcoming Stigma and Embracing Vulnerability

Throughout the conversation, Ashley advocates for the importance of discussing mental health openly and breaking the stigma surrounding it. She shares her experiences with therapy and the relief it brought, emphasizing that "It's okay to get help when you have those thoughts" ([58:15]-[157:06]). Her vulnerability in sharing her story serves as an inspiration for others facing similar struggles.

Conclusion: Embracing a New Life

Ashley's journey from a tumultuous polygamous childhood to a fulfilling life as a mother and advocate highlights the resilience of the human spirit. She underscores the significance of healing, self-worth, and the continuous effort to create a better environment for her children. "You have to feel to heal... You deserve to heal" ([160:06]-[161:53]). Her story is a testament to overcoming adversity and the transformative power of love and compassion.

Notable Quotes:

• "I feel like I'm so desensitized to it that I forget how crazy it is till I tell somebody." — Ashley ([09:58])
• "Life will... Life is a roller coaster, and you'll have these hard things that you go through, but if you heal through the hard things you've already gone through, when you go through those hard things, you'll have healthy coping mechanisms." — Ashley ([160:06])
• "Grief is where love is, and you will always love and miss that person. And it's important to remember them and to not just push it off and to feel it." — Ashley ([153:08])

Ashley’s candid and heart-wrenching recount of her life offers listeners an intimate glimpse into the challenges of growing up in a polygamous family, the profound impact of loss, and the path to healing and self-discovery. Her story underscores the importance of mental health awareness, the courage to break free from oppressive systems, and the enduring strength found in compassion and resilience.