Jessica (149:57)
He was fun. He taught me how to play board games. Tommy settlers a catan. And, like, he was very competitive while he played on the basketball team. And so we. It was crazy because even after Joel and Kristen kicked me out, I still played on that basketball team. And Chad would be like, no, you're gonna show up. Like, you're. You're right. I am gonna show up. And they were just great. They were younger, I would say. They were in there. They didn't have kids yet. They had tried. They were in their mid-30s, but like I said, they were both doctors, OBGYNs in town. And it was great. It was a good year that summer. Okay, so I had graduated high school, and no joke, Chad was there for my graduation. Like, he had taken off work, like, to make sure that he was there. He was there for my gymnastics meets. He was there for any sports. Like, I remember thinking, like, I don't even know you. Like, I literally had no, I didn't know him, but he was always there. He just wanted to make sure that somebody was there. And I, like, even looking back, I'm like, so they were great. That summer after I graduated, I was bridge jumping with my friends, and Chrissy had gotten me my first cell phone. And I thought it was so cool. Anyway, she called me. She's like, I need you to come home right now. And I was like, I knew they were gonna ask me to leave. Like, I was just so. Like, I just knew it was coming. So anyways, I get there, they sit me down. It is serious. The sun had gone down. Like, I remember it was like it was yesterday. Child was sitting there like this, and he was contemplating, like, what to say, and I was like, it's fine. You just. I. I get it. Whatever. Chrissy and I were talking, and we would like to adopt you. I couldn't believe it. I thought my chance was gone, but it wasn't. Like, here I was sitting here, like, ready. I was. I already knew, like, they were going to ask me to move out. Like, and they had ever. They didn't. There was no relationship. I mean, other than, like, a superficial, like, barely getting to know each other. You know, we've been talking, and we would like you to be part of our family. What do you think about that? I just remember being like, no, me? Yes. I was so ecstatic. Like, you don't even know me, but you're taking a big risk. Like, I just never thought I would experience it again. And so I was so happy. And, yeah, they were there. They were there for my wedding. They just immediately became my parents when I went to college, you know, like, they helped move me in, and they made Chad made special furniture for me. And, like, just. They helped me financially sometimes. They. They were all in. Like, even to this day, I think back, I'm like, how did that happen? How did I get so lucky? And, you know, Chrissy and I, every once in a while we'd have a little bump, but most of the time, you know, she was so, like, it's okay. You know, things happen. We'll get over it. We'll work through it. And I remember thinking, like, wow, how come nobody else did this? Like, that's crazy. She loved me unconditionally, and it was great. I ended up going to college, and then I got married, and then they got divorced, and that was weird for me. It was good because they. They were friends, but it wasn't healthy. They ended up having a couple kids. It didn't end well. Chrissy struggled with a lot of issues from her childhood. A lot of trauma. And so it was very hard on her. She felt very alone. She made some pretty poor decisions during her medical tenure. She was writing scripts for herself, having other people. She was writing scripts to other people for them to fill for her for Adderall and stuff like that. She had a lot of addictions, but mostly she was really depressed. It was something that I truly never understood. I had never. All the. All the trauma that I went through, I never experienced depression, because even through everything, I always told myself, like, girl, you're either gonna, like, get through it or you're not. So you can choose. This is your destiny. Do you want to wallow in your own misery, or do you want to get out and go do stuff? And so it was very hard concept for me to see her, like, just get swallowed. She wouldn't get out of bed. She, like. She stopped being the doctor that everybody loves. She was the one that, like, you know, the craziest calls. She would help all the Amish people, and she. She just loved serving other people. So my. They. My parents. That's weird, saying that. They got divorced, and I cannot believe I just said that. It's really weird to say that, but they. Yeah, they got divorced. And it's funny because I always refer to them as my mom and dad, but I've. I've never called them mom and dad, even though, like, even Chrissy, when she would call or. Or write letters, it was always, love, mom, even Chad. Like, when I had, you know, my child, you know, such a proud dad. So it's funny because we would always refer to each other as daughter, dad, mom, but I never actually called them mom and dad. But I did refer to them as my parents because they were so. Yeah, after they got divorced, Chrissy was extremely depressed, made really poor decisions. She ended up going to jail for the prescription fraud. She lost her medical license. She lost everything, honestly. So she was there for a year. And honestly, during that year, like, I hate myself for this, but, like, I was going through My own, like, growing up. And I was so mad that she made that decision. Like, she had already struggled and she had already been caught another time. And, like, she got a slap on the wrist. Like, hey, don't do it again. Like, you have no idea how severe the consequences are going to be. Like, you'd think you'd learn, but she did. And that's. Honestly, that's what addiction is. So she. She didn't learn. She. She messed up again. She ended up in jail. Well, even after she got out of jail, she was given the opportunity to, you know, like, earn custody for her kids. Not full custody, but partial custody. And she just kept making mistakes, you know, bad, bad choices. And Chad and I ended up getting really close during that time because we both had heartache from this. We were both like, man, I just wish, like, she would choose differently. And then he was going through his old. His own thing because my mom actually ended up. Chrissy ended up cheating on him. And so it was like, a thing. And, you know, that added to the divorce. And he's like, man, I just. I just want somebody for me. So he would come to me, like, a lot with his problems. And we ended up just kind of like, we could go to each other with our problems. We told each other everything we got. That was the closest we ever got. Like, during that divorce time, like, he ended up. He dated here and there. He ended up finding a new girlfriend, Amy, and things were good. Like, he. He really liked her. She. She had been in a few relationships. I should have known it was a red flag, but she had already been married two or three times. This was her third or fourth husband. Anyways, she got together with Chad, and he. He knew that I'm not afraid to, like, ask questions or, like, bold. He's like, hey, you know, I'm just wondering a couple of these things. He had me ask her, like, some interview questions, basically, like, so tell me about yourself. First time I met her, and she was like, I felt like it was an interrogation and blah. I'm like, I was nice about it. Like, she did not like that she immediately hated me. Well, she. She hated any part that was left over from his previous marriage. She. When I say vile, Just a disgusting person inside and out. Just a disgusting person. She put so much of a wedge between me and Chad. She could not handle that he had an older daughter. She could not handle that we were close. She could not handle that I still got along and agreed with Chrissy, my mom. There was just so much that she like everything about me, she hated so much, to the point where she had her own daughter, who was a couple years, a little. A little bit younger than me. And we were taking Christmas photos one year, and she wanted me and jd, My husband and my son to be out of it, Just her kids and. And Chad and Chrissy's two kids, but not me, because I was the. I was adopted into it. And I remember being very, very angry, like, I know what you're doing. And she ended up the. The daughter came to me, the older daughter, and she was like, oh, don't worry. My mom doesn't even let me have pictures. Like, when. Before I got married, she wouldn't even let. Even though we were engaged, she wouldn't let my fiance be in the photo. I'm like, I'm not marrying, and I am the family. I was here before all y' all. Like, I was the first. Like, are you kidding me? But anyway, so it just went downhill from there. She drove such a wedge, basically. She. She put. She made it where he had to choose between her or me, which I thought was disgusting. Like, why would you do that? Like, ew. So one summer. Every summer, we used to go to Epworth. We have a. Our family has a lake cottage. And I wasn't allowed to stay in the house that everybody else in my family stayed with. I stayed with grandparents, which was fine. Good. There's no drama. Didn't matter. We did family photos again, and guess who was left out? And it was very hurtful. And then finally, Chad called me up that night to the main cottage, and he was just like, yeah, I don't know why you tell people that you're my daughter. You've never been my daughter. He did this in front of everyone, my whole family, grandparents, kids. And I was like, what? Like, I literally can prove. Open your phone. What does it say? You know, like. And he disowned me in front of his entire family and was like, yeah, no, you're just that girl that we were trying to help. And, like, you always stuck around and, like, I couldn't get rid of you, basically. And I. That. That one hurt the worst. Out of every single parent, that one hurt the worst. To make it worse. Before that happened. Right before that, earlier in the year, Chrissy took her life. She couldn't handle the depression, and just. She's gone. And that messed me up because it's like God finally brought somebody into my life that chose to stay forever, and then she killed herself. And it's like, I never did feel like, oh, I wasn't enough. I knew it was just so much more, too much. And I never, like, understood what suicide was until then. I had never understood how severe depression could be. But then when Chad thought, I'm gonna disown my child in front of everybody, like, after he. He himself was the one who made it so public. Like, you know, I remember the first time I met my grandparents or went to the summer cottage, and, like, it wasn't like, oh, yeah, like, awkward. It was like, oh, no, this is my daughter. We just, you know, she's part of our family now. Like, there's no question asked. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, no one was like, oh, this is weird. Are you sure, Chad? You know, it was like everybody was so welcoming, and it was like, I've been there my whole life. So when he decided to disown me, like, it had been over 10 years that he had been my dad. And I remember earlier that day, we were at, like, the local carnival, and I was telling somebody was like. I remember saying I would. I made a comment. I was talking, maybe it was to John David. I was like, yeah, my dad was doing this. I was telling a story. But they were. He was walking in front of me with Amy, and he heard me say my dad. And he turned around and he's like, I was. I didn't get it. Obviously, I got it that night when he was like, yeah, you were never my child. Okay. That is the first time I experienced depression. I. I had never understood what it was like to choose your relationship, because my whole childhood, people were in my life without me choosing them. They just were there. And so I. I chose Chad back. Yes. He asked me to be part of his family, Chad and Chrissy, but I chose them back. I mean, I didn't really know them. I was taking a risk too, you know, like, could be rejected again. Like, you know, I never saw it coming. I would have bet my life that he would have never rejected me. And it. I had finally started opening up to the fact that no, like, these people left me. I'm never going to go anywhere because there was always that slight doubt. I remember, like, Chad would always tell me, you always think the worst. You always think that it's going to happen, that the ball is going to drop, and it's not. He would. He would remind me all the time and just constant affirmation like, no, we're here. We love you. And so when that happened, it. He should have just killed me. Like, even now, I think about him. Like, he should have just Killed me. Because I had never experienced depression before. I never, like, that was a whole new level of loss for me because I never, never saw it coming. And I had gotten to the point where I believed him. And not only that, I had gotten to the point where I had opened up to him and Chrissy. Like, I, I trusted them. I trusted them. And yeah, I, I, that was the only time in my life where I thought, I am gonna go kill myself now. I'm just gonna get it over with. I had let somebody affect my life so much that I was willing to kill myself. I think about that now and I'm like, that's crazy that we as a human can let somebody affect our emotions so strongly that we're willing to do that. And that's. I knew I was screwed because I, I just, I just went deeper and deeper. It got so bad. About a month after he disowned me, he called me and apologized. He said, I don't know why, what I was thinking, I'm so sorry. You know, I have to be careful. I'm teetering a fence right now with Amy. They weren't married yet, or maybe they were, I don't know. But anyways, he's like, yeah. I'm like, the point is, you shouldn't have to choose. Like, I'm not putting you in a position where I'm making you choose. I'm not doing anything different. I'm the same person I've always been. She's the difference. If she's that type of person that's gonna make you choose between your own daughter, then tells you what kind of person she is, she's. Which, like, okay, you do you, but if you're happy, you do that. But I'm not gonna stick around. Like, I was just so hurt. Well, it's funny because I had the day before he called me and apologized, which I had been waiting for. I had been waiting, like, I know he's gonna going to apologize. I know he's going to beg me to come back. And it's going to be fine. We're going to work. We'll work through this and we'll heal. I had sent, I wrote a letter to Amy, and I wrote one to Chad. My husband also wrote one to Amy and Chad. And let me tell you, his were exactly what I wanted to say but couldn't say. Mine were, like, groveling, you know, like, what do I have to do to be in your good graces? But. So he apologized on the phone the next day, and I was like, Well, I. I gotta tell you something. I sent these letters. You know, if you want to just burn them, do that. No, they didn't. They read them. So I dug my grave with that one. But, yeah, that was the biggest loss I've ever experienced was Chad. Which is funny because you'd think it'd be Chrissy, but she never rejected me. She. She loved me to the end, unconditionally to the end. But, yeah, Chad. Chad was the biggest heartbreak of my life. We don't talk. I tried a few times to mend things, and he wasn't willing to do it. He was so annoying because you could tell, like, Amy would be hovering over, like, the phone call or, like, you know, I gotta ask my wife, like, oh, it's a terrible relationship if you're in that type of relationship. But. But, yeah, that. That one broke me. But on top of Chad disowning me, losing my mom, this is all within months of each other. I lost my dog, who I had had since I, like, I think I graduated high school. Whatever. He was like my companion. He was like my best friend. On top of that, I had been married to my current husband. And we had been married, I don't know, 10 years, maybe 11 or 12 at the time. And I found out he cheated on me. And it was like, all of this at one time. So obviously my depression was, like. I'm sure that also added to it. I could not believe that my husband cheated on me because, I mean, we just have been best friends for years. But maybe that was the issue. We had been more best friends. And we've talked about it since, like, when we got married. It. It was more like, we're getting married. And, like, that's just how it's happening because we've known each other for so long. And, like, I don't know why I'm marrying you, but I'm going to, because, like, our background tells us, like, you go to school, you get married, you have kids, and, like, you have a traditional life, and that's just how it goes. And since you've known each other, oh, and you've also made out and, like, had sex, so you need to get married. So we did. We got married. And we were not in love. We loved each other. We had love for each other, but we were not in love. So it was a very rocky, miserable couple. First years, like, I hate this person. Like, it was horrific, but I stuck it out because obviously you can't get divorced. So during this time, we're both. And we're both young. We got married right when we turned 21. Very, very young. Still learning who we even are. We're both going through so much. Like he's in the army. I'm dealing with a horrible past, like trying to figure out like, how do I just shove that aside to like move on with my life and become an adult. So just going through a lot anyways. So 12 years in, I have a 5 year old son and I find out he, he says he's going to a conference for work. I should have known that. And like, come on now. He had been talking to somebody that we, we had worked with before and he slept with her. I could not believe that because I am the first person he ever slept with. I'm. I'm his one and only. His one and only. And that sucked. I remember just being so angry and hurt obviously. But, but it was, it was crazy how I immediately went into it like, yeah, you suck. What you did was horrible and horrific and like, you should die. But also, how did I play a role in that? I know a lot of people like can't do that, but a marriage does take two people. And not giving any excuse to what he did. But he didn't just say, I'm gonna go cheat. Most people don't. Most people, there's like a buildup of like, you know, either, you know, not being reciprocated or respect. You know, there's so many underlying issues in a relationship and I already had so many issues building relationships. I had never had a successful relationship and in my life except for a couple girlfriends. So that was also new to me. Marriage, like that's, you're, you're committing your life. And so immediately, instead of just playing the blame game and being like, you suck, you're a terrible person. You did this. You're disgusting. I was like, well, what have I done? Like what? Not necessarily what I have done, but like, what could I have done differently? Like what, how did I add not only to the cheating but like to the failing of our relationship in general? Because let's be real, it wasn't great. It was horrible during that time. So it was that people aren't going to believe me, but that was the best thing that ever happened to my life is him cheating on me. We, it was like our eyes were opened immediately, like, what do you want in your life? You're an adult, you get to choose. No one's telling you what you have to do. You can choose what you want from here on out. And I remember being like, I could walk away from this. But then I thought back to all my rejection as a child and like, no, I want to be committed. I want to be the person that commits. So we literally, for like a week, I don't think we slept. We just talked about everything under the sun. Our likes, dislikes, what irked us, what, what we felt. Our version of respect was what we felt anyways. Just total deep dive into who we were as a person and our mentality. And I, I wanted to save our marriage. And he didn't at first because he was still in the. Oh, I got this. I had this new girl and she's perfect in every way and the grass is always greener. Hello. It took a while for him to realize, you know, I've got, I've got something great here. And yeah, once, once he was on board too. Yeah, I have. He's the best. I mean, you saw, he's. I, I love him so much. So we healed from that. And yeah, I have a 10 year old now. My life's great. Like, I've never been so happy with my life than I am in the position I am right now, which is crazy considering I don't have any family. That's the only hard part. I have my brothers from the children's home and I'm my sister. But you have your own family now that you created. We created our own. So, yeah. All that to say, like, yes, I had a ton of trauma in my life and I have horrific ptsd. But it's funny because, you know, a lot of people say post traumatic disorder, but like, I don't think of it as that. I think of it as like, it's a post traumatic decision and I'm going to decide that. I'm not going to let that affect me. I'm going to decide that I'm going to use this to better myself. I learned from that experience. I learned from those heartaches. I have built an amazing relationship with my husband and child. Like, it's literally, I. I can't even believe that my life is my life. It's everything I dreamed of as a kid. And I have amazing in laws. That's awesome too. His parents are. They're my mom and dad. I call them mom and dad, actually. So I am really grateful for the life that God has given me. I never knew how God was going to use my life. And, you know, that's why I reached out to you to begin with. Because as a child, I'm not gonna lie, it was really annoying. Everybody would Be like, don't worry, little girl. God's gonna use your life in some way. God's gonna use your story. And then I'm like, okay, well, I'm like, 40, so, God, let's do this.
