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- [00:01]
Victoria
So good, so good, so good. New summer arrivals are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Get ready to save big with up to 60% off brands like Rag and Bone, Levi's, Adidas and free people. Join the NordicLub to unlock exclusive discounts. Shop new arrivals first and more. Plus buy online and pick up at your favorite rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you rack. This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50 page restoration block. Or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it, ready to make anything online make sense. There's no place like Chrome. Check responses. Setup required. Compatibility and availability various 18. My name is Victoria and I'm here to talk about growing up in a domestic violence environment. And I'm also Hispanic, so that is kind of common in that culture, which is very unfortunate. But it's something that I wear with pride now because without going through this experience, I probably wouldn't be where I am today. So when I was young I had two best friends. I had Nancy and Monica. And Monica I met first, I met her in preschool and she ends up becoming kind of like the third sibling between my brother and I, my brother Jack, it's just us two. And then Nancy, I met her in kindergarten so they were my two main best friends from, well, Monica I still speak to to this day. And then Nancy, I kind of stopped talking to her around like 19 just because, you know, time, things drift and things change, but nothing but love for that. Like her family kind of took me in as their own. Her mom was actually the only adult I remember ever telling anything about, you know, my parents like really telling her like everything, everything like what was happening. And I remember in the beginning with Nancy, actually my mom didn't want me to going over there. She would always be like, oh, can I pick up your daughter? Can I do this? Can I do that? My mom was always like, no, no, no. And then one day Nancy's mom called my mom and was like, hey, I just want to let you know, like I would really appreciate if you could let your daughter come with, you know, come to my house because she had a younger daughter who unfortunately passed away and her when I was around her daughter Nancy wouldn't ask about her baby sister anymore because we were five years old and her baby sister was about three when she passed. So you Know it's when you're five, you don't understand, you know, why is baby just gone all of a sudden? So when my mom heard that story, she was like, take her whenever you want. She's yours. And what was really funny is her and I had the same last name, so everybody really thought we were sisters. And then in school, you know how they put you alphabetically? We always sat next to each other, so. And her mom would pick us up and even dress us alike. So I feel like we came into each other's lives. It's meant to be where they needed me. And I needed them, you know, because that was the house where I learned that not all dads are mean. Because her dad was so sweet. So sweet. I loved her dad. Her parents loved them. I really, really appreciate everything they did for me, because I remember they took me to Disneyland when I was, like, nine years old. And my mom's like, I took you. But she shows me the picture. I'm in the stroller. I'm like, how am I supposed to remember that? But, you know, they did a lot for me. She really took me under her wing as her daughter, like. And I appreciate that so, so much. And I was happy that when it was our quinceaneras, because, you know, the Mexican culture, that's the big deal. And I actually found her around that time so they could come to my party at least. And they came, and then, same thing for her. She invited me to hers because they were kind of around the same year, because my birthday is first in the beginning of the year, and then hers was later in the year, so we were able to be at each other's event, which was really cool. And just being in that house with them just really showed me what I was missing at home, you know, because I had a. I have an older brother. And in the Mexican culture, the boys are the kings, you know, you do everything. Like I tell my brother. Even to this day, I'm just like, I felt like you were my first kid because I used to wash his laundry. I used to cook for him. I just. The only thing I didn't do was clean his room. Yeah, he helped around the house, and he. You know, he did his part because our only rules growing up were have grades better than a circle, do your chores, and you can do whatever you want. So there. When you look at that, that's a little too much freedom for us, you know? And then my brother, now being a father of five kids. Wow. Yeah. He has five beautiful children, which I love. Them all. And his wife is amazing. Judy. She is stay at home mom. Great. They. They're. I'm. I'm very proud of my brother to. To grow up what we grew up in. To come out the husband and father. He is. Oh, it's amazing. Like, it's incredible to watch.
- [05:18]
Interviewer
It's.
- [05:19]
Victoria
It's awesome that him. Him and I, we broke our cycles. Absolutely. You know, I didn't end up. Yeah, I'm single right now, but it's because I. I don't have a good picker. You know, my. My dad was my biggest influence. My mom was always working, you know, if she wasn't sewing because she seamstressed, actually, she. That's what she did for work before she got into real estate. And that was my whole life, was her sewing and sewing and sewing. And my dad, he never really worked. He was just kind of there all the time, you know, and it was just her hustling. And then when my brother got older, he helped financially. He wasn't very happy about helping, you know, 16 years old, getting your job. And around that time, my brother was. Was very selfish. Very, very selfish. Now he's not. He's a very man of God and loving and caring and giving. But, you know, sometimes you got to go through some selfish things to evolve. And he has evolved a lot. And I'm very proud him. But growing up, I was very under his shadow a lot. It was always like, you know, how there's a golden child and then the scapegoat. My brother was a golden child. I was a scapegoat because no matter what my brother did, it was perfect, especially to my dad. Like, be more like him. Be more like Jack. You need to be smarter like this. And that's all I heard my whole life was. And even when I did good, it wasn't good enough for him. Like, so I learned kind of early on, doesn't matter what I do, he's not going to care to give me positive reinforcement even if I am doing something good, you know, So I kind of took advantage of that. So anytime they gave me my freedom because I wasn't very good with school. So my thing was always, I need to have Cs and I could do whatever I want. That's it. He'll be off my back if I have a C. And he would be, you know, if I had C's in all my classes, he'd leave me alone. Except for me. I couldn't just leave the house like my brother could. My brother had free rein to just, oh, I'm going to a skate park. Going. My friend, going here, I'm going there. Me, I had rules. Basically, you know, okay, if you want to leave, you have to make me freshly squeezed orange juice, grapefruit juice, cupcakes. That was my ticket out of the house. Like, if I wanted to leave at all, you know. And so it was annoying for me. My brother coming home, do his one chore really fast and then he just bolt out the door. And then me, I'm in the kitchen doing all this just. And then I didn't have no electric thing, so I was there, just. And now to this day, I have hand issues. You know, my dad also has arthritis, so I'm like, I know. That's part of it. I'm also a cleaner. I have my own cleaning business. So I know all that doesn't help. So it's just. I could feel it in my hands. And even to this day, I can't drink freshly squeezed orange juice. I don't like grapefruits. Because of that, I will only eat cupcakes that my niece Becky, that lives with me makes. Like, I just don't. It just triggers me. I can't deal. Like, because for Christmas, sometimes that's what he would buy me was an electric juicer. Or sometimes his sisters, my aunts, would do that and everybody would just think it's funny. But for me, I'm like, you really don't understand what that means to me. Like, that stupid little machine is my ticket out of the house for anything. And anytime they gave me a, you know, like, okay, go with your friend, I'd be gone. And back then there was no cell phones, you know, so. And then when cell phones started kind of coming out and they'd be like, hey, your mom's calling me. Don't answer it. I'm. I'm not here. Like, I'm not even going to lie. I used to say that. I'm like, don't answer. I'm like, I. I don't know. I'm like, say your phone died. I don't know. I'm like, I'll deal with her later when I want to get picked up. And that's what I would do because they would always tell me, oh, your brother's always calling. When he gets home, he goes, cuz that was the rule. You leave. You have to call when you arrive and to let us know where you are and where you're going to be. You know, just being an adult now, they were being parents wanting to Know where their kids were. But for me, I was just, like, annoyed because I didn't see them have so much to my brother, like, you have to do this, this, and this. But with me, I felt like I had 100 rules over him for everything. And it was. It was hard, you know, because if I did something wrong, my punishment would be 10 times worse than his. Like, he had an incident where things were really bad, and if I had gotten caught in that type of incident, it would have not been pretty for me and for him. They gave him his car back the next day, and I was just like. One time, I snuck out my window with a friend, and they caught us. And I come home, my mom takes my friend home. And that was probably the one night I remember my dad hitting me. And don't get me wrong, wrong, yes, I jumped out the window. We shouldn't be doing that. I was probably in junior high around that time. But that's not the punishment you give to your kid. I'm like, he hit me. And then I remember just being on the floor, and he was kicking me. And I remember my mom coming down the hallway screaming, stop. And then I just. My dad always had this look of the devil when that part would take over him. Like, truly, it was. It wasn't him. Because my dad, he has a good heart. He has a good person. I'm not gonna lie. He's. It's just his demons have, you know, taken over his. His life. And, you know, I don't know what he grew up in. You know, I don't know what the house was like. And because knowing what I know now, it's. It's your environment that makes you this way, you know, but there's no one to blame. I love my grandparents, you know, but my dad's one of six kids, and for four of those kids to become abusers to their partners or children, my cousin Rachel and I would talk all the time of, like, what do you think it was like with our grandparents? Because, you know, look at my mom and, you know, look at our deals and your dad and, you know, how. What was their environment like, you know? And later in life, I took a big part in raising a couple kids because I don't have kids of my own. If I refer to any of my kids, it's my four. My three nieces, my nephew, and then my godson. Those are the kids that are like my kids, because I took a big part in raising them. Like around 2020, my gods, Christina, she. She took custody. They're her sister's kids or she took guardianship, I should say, not custody. And so I just jumped in to help her. And we went from being young 20 year olds partying to and only babysitting the girls here and there to now we got four kids and she's pregnant. So we had five kids out of nowhere. And you know, and now, you know, things the kids are. All the girls are 20, 19 and 18. You know, the youngest girl is about to graduate this year. And then my nephew, he. He had some struggles and I know why he came into my life because he taught me to have sympathy for my father because I looked at him and we had to go through all these therapies with the kids due to their, you know, their stories. And every time I look at them, I would look at my niece and I'm just like, I relate to her so much. And then hearing what the therapist is saying, like, oh, she acts this way because of this or this could have happened, or this could have happened. My wheels are turning. What happened to me? Why do I. I used to be just like her when I was young. She's a little bit more mouthy than I was and a little more brave in certain areas. But I relate a lot to her. I can understand where her pain comes from, you know, and I'm just like knowing what's happened to her. I'm just like, what don't I remember what, what happened to me that made me that way. And then I look at my nephew and I' he reminds me so much of my dad. My dad, I'm just like, my dad was the youngest of six kids. So he was just keep him alive, you know, just bring him. Is he there? You know, just, you know, I know how it is. Once there's a lot of kids, the last couple ones, they kind of get a little forgotten about him, if I'm quite honest. Sometimes you're just making sure they're breathing in there. You're not. You know, it's hard to give so many kids, you know, individual attention. So I'm grateful that those kids came into my life because it made me look at my dad so much different because he, you know, hurt people, hurt people. And most abusers were abused themselves. So it's like as much as highly I hold my grandparents, it's just like what, what was okay in their time that is not okay now, you know, and, and seeing too, as an adult, watching my mom with her own dad in the relationship with him because, you know, my grandfather, he passed away, what, two Years, I believe. And a little before he passed away, we were visiting him a lot. And I remember sitting at a table with him because we would go bring him tacos and kind of hang out with him a little bit because he lives in Mexico or he lived in Mexico. And I remember my mom, her trying to tell him something, like, serious. I don't remember what it was, but it was something about her childhood. And I remember he just kind of got quiet and ignored her and didn't acknowledge what my mom said. And then I was just looking, I'm like, this is why she never saw an issue with the relationship with my dad, because the relationship with her father was very similar, you know? So I'm like, this is why.
- [14:56]
Interviewer
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- [17:03]
Victoria
Because I've. I've never been angry at my mom for what I've experienced ever. And now I'm not even angry at my dad. I used to be. I used to have a lot of anger and hatred and like I said with my nephew, he taught me to have more love and compassion. And I've just learned to take the good moments when I can, you know, because I can't help my dad. You know, he has to help himself because it's always someone else's fault, you know. And my father is also a drug addict, so. Drug addicts are very erratic. So having a narcissistic drug addict as a father is. And Mexican on top of that is just a.
- [17:43]
Interviewer
A lot recipe for disaster.
- [17:45]
Victoria
It really, it really feels that way. Yeah. And truthfully, I'm so grateful that they only had two kids because I don't. If my mom would have had more kids, I don't think she would have left my dad. Honestly, I really, really don't think she would have because I give a lot of credit to her actually leaving to me and her mom passing. Because if her mom didn't pass away when she did, I don't think she would have had the courage to leave my dad because she just. My grandma, her mom, she knew my grandma Alba, which is not her name, but I'm a big Jane the Virgin fan and the grandma in that show reminds me so much of my grandma. Like that's obviously that's gonna be her name because she's so much like her. Although my grandma was not a woman of many words, but she was very wise. Anytime she did talk about like anything, anything was amazing. You wanted to listen when my grandma spoke. And my dad was afraid of that grandma. Actually, I remember my dad telling me when I was a Kid. He's all. I remember him looking at some. He's all, who gave that to you for me? I was like, oh, my nana. And he's all, it's okay, I'll go get my own. And I'm like, what is wrong? I'm like. And then later my mom tells me. She's like, no, I think my mom tried to poison him one time. So he didn't like to get anything from my grandma, right? And, you know, so he. Because he would act like a really, really good boy when my grandma would come, because there would be random times where. Because my grandma lived with my aunt Ziomata and San Bernardino. So anytime she get mad at my aunt, she called my mom and be like, come pick me up. Like, I'm done. Like, I don't want to look at your sister. So we'd go pick her up. And I remember there was this one period, I don't remember how young I was. I think it was, like, around elementary school. We were still living at the apartments across the junior high, so I was still pretty young. And I just remember things were so bad for, like, I don't know if it was like two weeks or what. It felt forever. And it was just like every single day, he would just pick at me and my mom so much. But. And it was the moment my brother would leave, he would start picking at us. So it was when my brother was home, he was. He was on his good behavior. He never wanted to show that side to my brother. He was very, very strategic about what he did and when he did it and how he did it. So I remember we were just. It was just hell every day. Me and my mom were just suffering. And then out of nowhere, my mom gets one of those calls from my grandma saying, come pick me up right now. And anytime. My dad hated that. He hated when my mom went to go. Anytime we even went to my Aunt Siomara's house, it was a nightmare. I hated going to her house when I was young. I did have a little resentment towards her because anytime we went even to her house for an hour, I would have to listen to my mom getting beat for almost that whole week. Just because we went to spend time with her sister, just because we wanted to see my grandma like it was. That's why I hated going to my mom's side of the family when I was young, because I just didn't want to deal with what was going to happen when we got home. Truthfully, I. I hated it so much. And that's Why I had so much resentment towards her. And even to this day, we bicker a lot. Like, I bicker with my aunt. Like, she's my sister, you know? That's why I always say my mom had a younger sister pass away. And I always say. I was like, I feel like a part of her soul came in me because I shouldn't fight with my aunt the way I fight with her. Like, we fight like sisters. And she used. Anytime she tried to help, it just made things worse. Anytime she tried to help. So I just remember, I'm like, okay, I'm like, we're gonna go pick my grandma up then. And we went to pick her up, and she ended up staying with us for, like, a month. It was wild. We. But it was like me and my mom both felt like this just. Angel came and. Because you could tell my dad was so annoyed. He was so annoyed that she was there and she wasn't leaving. Like, because she wouldn't go back until she was ready to deal with my aunt. So there'd be times she'd stay with us and she'd sleep in my bed, you know? So for me, I'm like, I. I sometimes I'd hate it. It was always my room that everybody had to sleep in. But at that time, I was so happy my grandma was there. Like, we. Not only did I need it, my mom needed it. Like, we. We needed peace. And it's like, if she knew we needed peace because it was one of the worst times ever. Because he was hitting her almost every day. He was picking at me, anything I did, anything. Like, I couldn't even eat things in the fridge once my mom left. Like, to this day, I can't. I can't eat mini wheats. The frosted mini Wheats, those were his favorite. Like, Red Vines. I can have very minimal because my dad was always walking around with his big tub of Red Vines and his big thing of frosted mini Wheats and be like, you can't have any. Like, so as a kid that, you know, it sounds dumb, but it's like, I don't like frosted mini weights because it reminds me of him. Like, with his big old bowl and just watching him look at me. Like, he. He would look at me with so much hatred. Like, I was just like, what did I do to you? Like, why. Why do you have so much anger towards me? Because my whole life. My whole life, I always heard the same story of when I was born. Because when I was born, my parents lived in a little garage, you know, because my mom came out here. My parents were 19. No, my mom was 19, and my dad was 21, and she was pregnant with my brother, not knowing the language, you know, so it's hard when you come here and have no family, no support system. They created their own families. I kind of have two little families from my mom and my dad that are my family now. My chosen families, you know, they had to create their village because their village was in Mexico. But now they're all over here, like, so now we're all here, and it's like, why'd she struggle so much? They weren't there, you know, without my cousin Christina, her mom, I don't know what my mom would have done, because my aunt, Her Christina's mom, and then my aunt Catherine, those two. I always say I had five moms, and those two are one of them because they were there when my mom needed someone. It's hard, you know, raising kids and taking care of them, I think, since my grandma was married to a man who would abuse her. And my grandma had five kids, you know? And one of the things she did say, she was like, if you say no, that's rape. And it's like, why is that one thing she really wanted to tell my mom? Like, if you say no, that means it's raped. Like, that just breaks my heart because that means that's what happened to my grandma, you know, and my mom. When. So my mom and my dad divorced when I was in high school, right before I was, like, 17, 18. It was. A lot was happening at the same time, like, when all that happened. But we'll get into that a little later. Another thing that my dad used to like to do as punishment to me when he'd get mad at me is he would break my things, and he wouldn't. He'd do it when I wasn't around. Because, like, that night when I jumped out the window after my mom, when my mom went to go drop my friends off, he proceeded to break everything in my room when my mom was taking them. And I'm like, that's not a punishment fit for someone who jumped out of a window. Like, yeah, I got rounded on top of that, which I saw coming. But it's like, he broke my tv. He broke anything he could find in my room. He just trashed it. And then he was making me stand outside the whole time when that happened. And I just. I just remember thinking. I was just like, why is this my punishment? And then it was later when that incident happened with my brother. That I'm just like, so why aren't you breaking all his shit? Why aren't you breaking his car? I'm like, because he did something bad in the car and you're just going to give it back to him. Like he gets caught in the car doing something bad and you're just going to let him watch TV and give him his keys back the very next day. That right there, that's when I was like, it doesn't matter what I do. He's perfect and I'm not. So I, that's when I was just like, I don't care anymore. I'm just, I don't care. And I started drinking when I was 13. I started drinking with my cousin Rachel. I used to go to Mexico. That is one thing that I did love about my parents is that every summer since we were kids, how old was I? Like three when I first went out there, they would leave us out there for the whole summer with our family. So that's something I did enjoy because you don't get a lot of one on one time with your first cousins. And especially on my dad's side. From six kids came 15 grandkids and I'm number 14. So it was pretty cool to, you know, I love having the memories of my dad's parents in their house that my grandpa built with his own hands. And all 15 of us are there, just running amok. There's some up on the roof, there's some in the driveway. There's some sleeping on the couch. My grandma's over here, like cutting nopales, making beans. Like my. One of the older girls is washing dishes. Like it was beautiful memories, beautiful memories. And I'm very grateful because they humbled me a lot, you know, they made me appreciate living in America because I used to have to shower, boiling water. I'm always the first one when there's a house like that that you have to boil the water. I wake up first and I'm like, I'm first. Yeah, that's me. I'm like, I get the first. Oh yeah, please. I'm like, I want to shower first. Like so, you know, I'm glad that they did that, you know. And that was my dad's idea. My dad, because it started when my brother was like four. They went to go visit and he was like, I want to stay. And they're like, no, they're like, yeah, I want to stay. You guys go home. And they're like, miho, we live far. Like we live three hours away. We can't just go get you. Like, if we leave, we're gonna have to come back on the weekend to get you. So that's how it started. They just left us a weekend. And then as I got older, I'm like, why is he just going? And I'm not like, what the heck? Like, I won't go too. And I was like, 2, 3 years old, packing my own bag, being like, I'm going with them. I've always been very independent, very, very independent since I was little. And one of my brother's oldest daughter, she's like that. Like, she has, like, my essence. And I'm just like, oh, my God. And watching my brother with her, it heals the little girl in me because he's such a good dad. Oh, that part gets me so much because he heals me, being the father he is. And I tell him that all the time. I really do. Like, my brother and I, we don't have a typical brother sister relationship where we hate each other. I actually love my brother so much. Like, I said he was like my baby. Like, even though he's five years older than me, I did so much for him that I felt like I was raising him. Even though it sounds weird, but the boy wouldn't even make his own cup of noodles, girl. Like, he would literally come to and be like, can you make me a cup of noodles? And my friends would always be like, he's really coming to ask you that. I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna go do it. And I would do it for him, you know? And I know that's more of, like, a culture thing, you know, you. You take care of the men. You always feed the men first. And. And I'm. I'm trying to not be that way because I kind of don't like it. It should be even, you know, that's the one thing about my culture I don't like. You know, women are actually the ones that really run and take care of everything. Most the men just bring money. And that's where. When I was getting older, I would get frustrated because I'm just like, why do you think you're so this and that when you don't even work? I'm like, your wife is over here working and all this. And I remember him stealing money from her. I remember one time we went to the bank, and that was back when you thought you used to have to go to the bank to get your statement to know how much money you had. And she went, and I just remember sitting you Know how, like, they have you sit over there when you're a kid and stuff? And I just remember her coming back to the car and she's crying, and I'm just, like, looking at her, and she's like, just. Just upset. And I'm staring at her, and she's like, I can't believe he did this. And I'm just like, what is she talking about? And he forged checks in her name so she had, like, no money in her account because he's just writing checks. Like, if he has a million dollars and it's his money, and he would steal money from her. And as we got older, he would steal money from us. My brother and I. Like, my brother, he used to have this pencil box. And he knows about this because I confess it to him later. Me and. Me and. Me and Monica used to steal his money all the time. Because I told him one time we were drinking, I was like, brother, I kind of owe you, like, a lot of money. And he's like, what do you mean? I was like, well, me and Monica used to go on your room and steal your money so we could buy snacks because we. My dad wouldn't let me have anything in the fridge. Like, when she wasn't there, he'd be like, nope, that's fine. That's mine. And I totally forgot all about that until Monica came to visit a couple years ago. She started mentioning it, and she's like, do you not remember that? She's like, why do you think we used to steal money from your brother? And then I was like, you're right. I did forget about all that. And she's like, I remember everything because she was like, my bad friend. She. She didn't have the greatest relationship with her mom, and she lived right up the street from me. So anytime she was bad and she did it like. Or she got in a fight with her mom and she left. You know, there's that one friend that's like, friends with the whole world. That's her.
- [31:03]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [31:03]
Victoria
So she would always have a ride somewhere. And I used to have my own phone line in my room. So she would call me and I'd answer, and I'm like, hello? One time, I remember even I'm, like, answering half asleep. I'm like, hello? And then I hear my dad in her on the phone. And I was like, what? And she's. I'm already walking in your house. And I was like, huh? Because it was so late. And then she opens the door because she knew my dad was always awake. Because he was always high on his drugs. He would never. Like, he'd be awake for a week and then sleep for a week. Like, that's how it was. So if he wasn't awake for a week, he'd be asleep and we had to be quiet. So it was like, either we had a empty house because we had, like, a spare room in those apartments where he could go and do his madness. And two, he would also take over the bathroom and do his drugs in there. And that. I hated it so much because he would be in there, like, eight hours, and that'd be the only bathroom. So I grew up having extra bags in my room to go to the bathroom because he would not open the door, and I would get in trouble if I tried to have him get out. So I just learned to figure it out on my own. Like, you know, a lot of people. There has been instances in my life as, like, an adult or when I'm out with friends partying, and I'm like, I'll just go right here.
- [32:21]
Interviewer
I'll go.
- [32:21]
Victoria
Just go. Just don't look at me. Turn around. I have no shame going to the bathroom places, because when I was younger, you had. I didn't have an option. I need. When you have to go, you just have to go. And you got to figure something out. So that's why I. You know, that's never bugged me. I've always been very like, just pull over, just really fast. I'll go behind that tree. I don't care. Like, you know, and that's something I'm really trying hard to stop because I'm now noticing where that came from. You know, it's, you know, side effects of the trauma I went through, because no kid should have to do that, have to use trash bags to go to the bathroom in their own house just because their dad is. Who knows? He was probably so high and passed out on the floor that he couldn't even open the door if he wanted to. You know, I don't know what he would do when he was in there. So it's just. Just. It's insane to. To really look back on everything and be like, damn, I. I can't believe all this is happening. And there would be times I'll talk to my mom about stuff, and she's like, I'm such a bad mom. And I'm like, you were in survival mode. Like, you were feeding us. You were. You were the one doing everything. Like, we were lucky. We were on site managers that our rent was covered. You Know, so. But we had to work on the building.
- [33:38]
Interviewer
Did your dad ever work?
- [33:41]
Victoria
He would have jobs, and then he would get fired, do unemployment. There was one pocket of time where our family felt normal, and that was when I have. Out of the 15 grandkids, there's a set of twins, and they are Mark and Derek. And they came to live with us. And it was because of my dad, actually. My dad. We were there for the summer, and in Mexico, school is very different. So I remember. I think it was like their last year over there or something like that. And my dad was like, no, I'm going to take him with me. And his sister's just like, what? Like. Like me. If it's like, I go up to my brother and be like, I'm going to take your two kids three hours away and they're going to be mine now. No, but he did it, you know, and now they're thriving. They're, you know, one is married with three kids, and they own a home in San Bernardino area. Like, they. They owe a lot to my dad, you know, and they always. They. They love me and stuff, but they do. They're just like, it's. It's hard to kind of sympathize with how you feel with your dad because he did so much good for us, you know? And my dad, he taught me to have a good heart because he was always helping people. Always. We always had people coming to live with us for pockets of time. So when he brought the boys over, he had a job that had insurance for all four of us. So we were this little family with four kids. And that was probably one of my favorite times in my life, because we were normal.
- [35:14]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [35:14]
Victoria
My dad was working, and it was a pretty good job for him to have family insurance for everybody.
- [35:19]
Interviewer
So do you think that it was a big part of the abuse was from the drug use?
- [35:24]
Victoria
I believe so, yeah.
- [35:25]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [35:25]
Victoria
I feel like it would just take him over, honestly. And I feel like in the beginning, when we were younger, he was able to control the drug use, so it didn't, you know, it didn't blur the line. So he was still able to be kind of normal. It was more after he got diagnosed with his arthritis that he kind of just started to give up. And then when my mom became an official, like a property manager, she got her real estate license. He was just like, okay, you got it from here. I don't need to do nothing. He kind of was just like, all right, we're good.
- [35:58]
Interviewer
And then was the abuse really only directed towards you and your mom? Or was it ever towards your brother as well? Or.
- [36:04]
Victoria
Never my brother, okay. Ever. It was mainly my mom. For me, it was more verbal and emotional. It was just that one time that he actually physically hit me. And then it was just mainly the physical was more my mom.
- [36:18]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [36:19]
Victoria
Like, I'll. I've. I told her this recently. I was like, you know, I have your laugh. And she's like, what? I was like, we have the same laugh. And I never knew what my mom's laugh sounded like when I was a kid. And she's like, what do you mean? We used to have fun. I'm like, you don't get it, Mom. I. I was there. I'm like, I remember your happy times when we were a family. To your happy times now. I've never seen her how she is now, and I love that. It heals me so much seeing her, like, even getting on this plane was a big deal for her. So I love that we're. We're breaking all these cycles, you know, because we're alive. First of all, we made it out. You know, there is life after abuse. There is a way out. You know, it's really hard. It's. And you just want to go back. That's why women go back, because they say, oh, it takes six times. No, it takes about 12 to leave. Because it took her a long time. Honestly, like I said, if her mom didn't die, I don't think she would have really made the decision to leave. But my. My dad just. And that's where I would get so confused, because growing up as a kid, your dad is your first love. You know, as a girl. That's why I'm just like, why do I have such a bad picker? And I look back at my relationships, I'm like, so many of these men had traits of my father that I felt safe with, but it's like, no, I need to go towards where I feel a little uncomfortable, because if I feel safe, that means there's something wrong. That means something is feeling familiar. And now I'm starting to realize that, because since my dad was my biggest influence, I. In my, you know, elementary years, you know, my friends can attest, you know, I'm lucky that I even still have friends, because I was a lot like my dad. And it took me a long time to realize, you know, he taught me how to manipulate. He taught me how to be mean. And for me, I used to be very like, oh, if you like her, I'm not your friend. Like, I was like that, that I was very like that. And I. There's no need to be that way at all. But that's how my dad kind of showed me, you know, my, my examples of love were him were, you know, I always thought, oh, if you're obedient and you just do what they say, that's love, you know, or if you control them, that's love. So I'm like, now it makes sense why all of my relationships have not worked out, because that's where my how to love someone, you know, so little by little it's changing. And, you know, that's why I'm like, I'm just gonna stay single until I meet somebody that actually has the right intentions for me and not rush into things. Because being I'm 32 years old, I'm Mexican, no children. What do you think? I hear from my family all the time, you know, like, I have nieces that are younger than me that are married on their second children. And I'm over here, 32, no kids. But it's like having a child shouldn't define me being successful. Having a child shouldn't define me being like, I made it and I'm, I'm a good woman, I'm a great woman. And that's because of my mom. Like, I. And even my dad, you know, he, he always told me, don't be a helpless woman. And that always stuck in my head because. And you know what that tells me? He knew what he was doing, telling me that. And he said that to me very young. Don't be a helpless woman. He's like, don't let a man do everything for you. So I'm very hyper independent. If I ask you for help, it's because I already tried to do it myself 10 times and I couldn't figure it out. Like, I don't like to ask for help. I really don't. But I do when I really need it. And that's something that my mom had to learn, like, very young. Like I said, I've always been very independent. Like, I taught myself, I potty trained myself. And I wasn't even one years old yet. Like, I just, I started walking very young, you know, and then looking at my niece, she's like the same way she potty trained herself, basically. She didn't like the diaper, you know, so I'm just like, it's so funny how, you know, genetics and DNA work, because it's like I'm not around her enough for her to have that, you know, I No, I got it. Like, it's. And she's more spunky than I am, but it's just because she has a very different support system and surrounding that she's growing up in. And that's why she feels so confident. It. You know, for me, I was confident because no one would listen to me. I was so. I've always been like the fighter and screamer. And because my brother is the quiet one, I'm the loud one. I'm the like, no, you know, like in those videos of the mom that's like, oh, honey, can you. And then the aunt comes in back. That's me. I'm the one that's like, get down now. I'm not joking. Like, I. I do agree that tough love can work because the world isn't nice to you, you know, and sometimes getting tough love from someone that you love can teach you how to take criticism from people. It's just my dad wasn't doing his tough love quote unquote, with love. He was doing it with. For control. You know, if I do that to my nieces and nephews, it's just because I'm doing it with love. Because one day you may be somewhere where someone's going to speak to you in that manner, and you need to know how to handle it instead of. Of crying or reacting. Just, you know, because if you do, if I'm doing it to you, and that's what I do now, even with my. With my kids, anytime I lose my stuff, because there's times where my dad comes out of me and I'm just like. And I wait till I'm calm and then I go and I apologize to them. Because that's one thing that I never had when I was younger. Anytime something big would happen, anytime they would fight, nobody would talk about it. It was never talked about. There's only one time that my mom and I talked about it, and it was because they got into another fight. They used to always fight, too, when I was on the phone with my friends. So I used to always abruptly have to hang up and unplug my phone because then they'd call me and call me and call me, and then I can't answer my phone with my mom screaming in the back and my dad hitting her. And this one time he was. He was hitting her. I hung up the phone and he was hitting her really bad. I just remember. And I remember she came in the room and she was pissed that I didn't call the cops. And I was just. I was scared and crying. And then I remember somehow we ended up leaving to go get him soda, something. I don't remember very clearly. I just remember we were able to leave the house and she was all like, why didn't you call? And this and that. And in my head I'm like, for what? It you're not gonna leave him. That's what I'm thinking. I'm like, you're just gonna stay? Why am I gonna call the cops? And everybody knew where I lived. Everybody knew that that house in front of the junior high was my house. They knew it. I'm like, so what, we're gonna have the cops come and then everyone's gonna be saying things. That's all that's coming to my head while she's yelling at me. And then I just looked over, I was like, why don't you hit him back? That's all I said. I was like, you're taller than him. You're bigger than him. Like my dad's a little shorter than my mom. He's a little of funny that my brother's really tall, cuz I'm like, where did you get that from? I'm like, he's like six foot almost. So. And my dad, he's probably like my height. Like, you know, my mom wouldn't wear heels and she'd be taller than him. Not a lot, but like, you know, I'm just like, why don't you hit him back? Like right, you can, you know. And I just remember seeing her face being like. Like she never thought of that, you know? And then I remember a few weeks later, they get into another fight. And then this time I hear them arguing. And this is the one time that I actually sat there and watched like a movie because she hit him back. Because this we hadn't. We lived in a two bedroom apartment. So it was like a long hallway. And then the bedrooms were at the end, so mine was on. So like when you're looking straight, it was like on the right side. It was the front bedroom that, you know the how in the house is the window that's in the front that was my room. So I remember I heard them arguing. And all the time I would hear them fight or something, I would always kind of peek out and maybe close the door or something. But that time I peeked out because I heard my dad be like, what the fuck? And then I looked over and I see. I don't remember what she had in her hand and I just see her throw it at him. And I saw my dad's face being like, when does she. Like I could see in his face, like, when the fuck she gets so brave. And he grabbed. It was like a five gallon water thing and it didn't have a lot of water. And he like threw it at her and she was just like soaked and she got all this adrenaline. I forgot what she grabbed and she just started going at him. And I was sitting there at the end of the hallway just like, finally I was like, she did something. Thank God. Because she'd never defend herself. She would always just take it. Like I can. I know my mom screams from a mile away. Just like a mom knows when her baby's crying, when, then it's her baby crying. I unfortunately know that of my mom too, because that's all I heard when I was young. You know, I, I know her scream, I know her cry when she's scared. And I, I know all of that because it's all I heard when I was young. So being an adult now, I rarely see her cry. I rarely see her in pain. It's beautiful. It's. It's amazing because my mom and I lost so much time during that time because she was always working. She was always working, always. And if she was, if she wasn't working, she was sewing in my bedroom till 4am that's why I can't sleep in quiet because she was always sewing in my room. And I just remember after that, and she still didn't leave him after that, that instance, because we were still living in the apartments. And we lived in those apartments for about 13 years. And then we got kicked out because of him. Because I think one of the residents called the management company or something that he was like selling drugs or doing drugs or both, I don't know, you know. And so we lost the job around that time. But my mom, when my mom has a goal, she accomplishes it. And around the time when I was 13, we had gone to a wedding to her Mary Kay lady, actually. And this hall was beautiful. And around 13 is kind of, you know, in the Hispanic culture is kind of when you're like, okay, if we're gonna have a quinceanera, maybe we need to start, start thinking about it. Well, after we went to this wedding, the couple, they sat us with, oh, this lady convinced us. And we, we, I think it was maybe like the next month we went to that place and we talked to the people and my mom booked the hall because they told them, they're like, our prices are about to go up next year. So they're like, if you book it now, you and this hall had everything. It was. She threw me the most beautiful party. I don't need a damn wedding. Yeah, right. I do not. That was my wedding. I don't care. That's. That's why for me, I'm like. Because the stress of planning that party. Oh, my God. No, thank you. No, thank you. Like, even when my brother got married in Vegas, you'd think eloping would be easy. It was not. That was. Oh, it was just a show, like, getting hotel rooms and traveling and. Oh, you know, it was wild. But I think we're probably, like, a year, year and a half into planning everything. And my dad's dad passed away. And I remember for a little while, I was kind of like, thinking, I'm like, I don't want this party. Like, I don't want it. You know? Because my biggest thing of why I wanted a quinceanera, I saw three of my cousins, and one of them is actually my godmother. I saw three of my cousins. Well, I didn't see my godmother. I don't think I was born yet for her, so. But I've seen all the movies, and they all got a dance with my tata. That's what I wanted, was that dance. Like, they all got. And then he died right before my party. And I remember I was kind of telling him, I don't know if I want it anymore. And then I remember my grandma calling me, and she was like, no, because he was trying to make it to my party. I remember the last time I saw him in the hospital, he used to always say, like, I'm not gonna die, you know, because Batman lives forever, right? He saw. We say that, but I remember looking at him on that bed, and he was just yellow, like. And I'm like, he's not gonna make it. He's not. And he did it. He didn't make it. But it's okay. I had my party. I did it anyway. And if it wasn't for my mom and my brother.
- [48:53]
Interviewer
No, you're fine.
- [48:55]
Victoria
And my brother, too. My brother, really, he helped so much with that party. He was working doubles. He was just. Anything that could make him money. He was doing it so I can get what I needed, you know, because the photographer alone was two grand. My mom did not have that. And my mom took out loans on her cars. I didn't know any of that until I got older. Like, she spent almost $20,000 making be more on this party. But having this party inspired My mom, because after she had this party, you know what she said? If I could throw this party, I could buy a house. And. And two. One of her co workers. I love this coworker because of her. She's a big reason why we got out, too. I'm going to call her. S. She told my mom, she just made a comment like, mexican people don't own homes. My mom was like, what? And that, like, triggered her, like, let me prove you wrong. And I had my party when I was 15, and by the time I was 17, we were moving into our new house that we live in today that she bought with my brother. So she was like, if I could throw this expensive party, I could buy a house. And she did it. She did it. That's why I'm just like, my mom is. She sets a goal, it's there. Like, you need to watch out. If she's set on something, she's gonna do it. Like, she was like, I'm getting my broker's license. It took her, like, seven tries. She got it. She has her own company now. Like, she gets it done. And I love that. It's. It's a lot to live up to, honestly. It's a little hard for me to help my supposed to surpass that, but I can. I'm like, I already did by. By not being and staying with any of the guys that I was with or having a baby with any of them. I. I did surpass that. You know, that's one thing that I can say, because when I was younger, I hate saying this, but I always saw my mom as very weak because she would just stay with him, you know, And I didn't like that. And I always said, I'm never gonna let a man hit me. Man's never hit me. But I have been emotionally abused by a man a lot, by all my relationships. You know, there's. You know, people know who to pick, and I don't know what I bring out, but I'm doing what I can to stop that. Because I. I would love to be in a relationship and have a family, but I also don't want to have a kid with the wrong guy. If I'm going to have a kid with someone, I want to make sure they're not going to be a man like my father. I don't want to give another child any. I don't want them to ever feel unloved, unwanted, like something's wrong with them. Like, because too my whole life, I always heard, oh, I don't think I Finished. The story of the garage. When they were young. Actually, when I was born. When I was born, they lived in this tiny garage. And then everybody was so excited for me to be born because I was the 14th grandchild. You know, my grandpa was excited because two. I was almost born on my grandpa's birthday, okay? So he had two granddaughters that were almost born on his birthday. I was born two days before. And then the other one was literally born, like, two minutes after midnight.
- [52:05]
Interviewer
Oh, my God.
- [52:06]
Victoria
So it was almost his birthday. So. So he always had this extra little love for the both of us, you know? So everybody came down to visit, and they lived in this teeny, tiny garage. People were sleeping in cars they shoved in the garage. And my dad, the whole night was like, oh, put on her dancing shoes and give me my daughter. So the whole night, everybody was like, passing me around. I've heard that story my whole life. And then I'm just like, that's a great story. That's not the man that raised me. That is not the man who raised me. Your dad is supposed to show you how a man loves, how he protects, how. You know, and he never showed me that he did it. You know, I. And even my brother, too, just because he didn't see that my brother was never the man he is today. Back then, you know, my brother's always been caring and compassionate, but he was very selfish. When he was young, you know, there would be times where my mom would ask him for money for food because my dad stole $300 out of her. And it was always $300. Always. I'm like, so. I don't know how much he was getting of his crap with that, but it was always, like, 300 bucks. That was his magic solution, too. That was another thing how you asked about work. My dad would always come to my mom with these great ideas that are going to make all this money. And my mom is very easy to convince. And I learned that because of him. And he would just convince her, like, oh, give me all this money, and I'm gonna make us money. And so she would. And then, because she always had hope, like, okay, if he just gets a job, you know, that's what I always heard her say. If he just works, it's fine. And for me, I'm like, that's the bare minimum. Like, you have children with this man. He's supposed to work. That shouldn't be your. If he just has this, we'll be okay, you know? And that's what I always thought. Like, that that's not right. And so I was. I always was like, I don't want to be like that. I don't want to be like that. And then I remember I was dating this one guy, and this guy was exactly like my dad. And my mom hated this guy so much. And at this time in my life, this was after they were divorced and everything. It was a couple years after I was actually on speaking terms with my dad. We were actually in a good place. And he was picking me up from work and stuff like that. He was getting. He was actually working at that time, too. He was working at, like, a maintenance guy for a building. And so I was able to go to him for money. And I'll never forget this time I went to him for money, and he looks at me and he's like, giving me the money. And I was like, okay, thank you. And then he's like, just don't give any to him. And he was like, you know, pointing at my car. And then I look over, I'm like, why? Why? And he's like, no, just don't give any him. I was like, why? I was like, you don't like him? Because that. In that moment, that's when I realized I'm all, this man's a lot like my father. And I was like, you don't like him. I was like, why don't you like him? I'm like, he's just like you. I'm like, don't you like that for me? And I'll never. That was the first time in my life that I saw my dad kind of be like. Like, what the have I got done in his face? Because I just drove off with this guy, you know, And I will admit I probably stayed with that guy longer just because of that, because I saw that and, you know, thankfully, I snapped out of it. Like, with. I had gotten a positive pregnancy test. The only time in my life was with that man. And I'm very grateful that it was a false positive that I didn't have to make make any tough decisions. And that's what woke me up, that I was like, no. And then there was another time with him that we were arguing, and for some reason no one was at home. So it was just me and him in my house, and we were having a fight. And then I remember we. I took off for to go get him something after our fight. And then I'm driving, and then I pulled over and I was like, I'm my mother right now. I was like, how did this happen? To me, I was like, he's not hitting me. I was like, but how the fuck did I end up in this car after an argument? Just how she would to go get him something after he just did something. And I just remember I got in the car and then. I don't remember, I went, I got. Whatever. And then I came back and then I just. He didn't have a car either. So I somehow tricked him to get in my car and I left him at home. And I went back home after that. And then that's when I started realizing I was like, I know, like, I'm my mom right now. I was like, in this relationship, I was like. And that's what I didn't want. I never wanted to be her. And not in that aspect, at least not relationship wise. Because everything else, she's a incredible woman. I'm just like, I need. That's. She's been an amazing example for me. Except in that aspect of relationships, you know, because I. I've said this to her directly. I was like, you taught me that love is obedience. That's what you taught me. I'm like, my dad taught me that love is controlled. And then even one of my aunts, when I would go stay over the summers, she would take me with her to go spy on her boyfriends all day with binoculars and everything. Like, why are you. I would never do that if I was. I never did that with any kids that I took care of. I wouldn't take them with me, buy them junk food and make them sit in a car while I was watching. And sometimes she would even send me inside to go say something ahead. Those were my examples of love. I'm just like, I get it now. Why none of my. I get it. You know, I. I see where I've been wrong. And you know, because it's not all them, it's me. It's what I'm accepting, what I'm doing, what I'm attracting and letting you know, instead of saying something when something bugs me, I'm just letting it go. Because that's my problem when I need a. I'm learning how to say things when they bother me in the moment so it doesn't come back later. And it seems like I'm attacking you because my anger, that's one thing I'm working on, that I have a very fast switch. I get triggered so easily. And, you know, everyone's like, oh, that's from your dad. That's from your dad. But as I'm getting older, I'm learning that even on my mom's side, the women have very strong personalities and attitudes. And I'm like, it's not all my dad. It's from. I have it from both sides. I'm fighting a lot here of what I need to resist. You know, it's. It's hard to. To fight all these things inside, but I'm like, you know what? I. I don't care. I don't care that I'm the single spinster aunt in the family. I'm gonna wear that with pride. I'm over trying to fit in and make people put me in a box, because that's. I've always just wanted to be what my dad wanted. I. I always felt like a little soldier. Like, have to be like this, and you need to do this, and you need to have this and that, this. And it was just so frustrating because I felt like I would try so hard just to get some kind of validation for him, and it would never come. And then now, as an adult, when I see him, you know, in present day, I see the pain in his eyes. And there was one time where he did apologize, but it was such a dry apology. And then my oldest nephew was standing right there, too, that I'm like, no, if you.
- [59:33]
Interviewer
We.
- [59:33]
Victoria
And I remember, I was like, dad, he's all, no, seriously, like, I'm just sorry for everything. And I'm looking at my nephew, and I'm just like, we can talk about it later. I was like, but I appreciate what you're trying to do. I'm like, thank you. I'm like, but I would like to talk about it more, you know? And he was like, yeah, we can. And he just gave me a hug and never mentioned it again. Never. But I see it when I see him. Like, I. I just saw him on Christmas. I went to go leave him some food, and I feel it in his. In his energy, you know? Because it breaks my heart that I don't miss him. Breaks my heart. I hate that. I really hate that. That I don't miss my dad. I really don't. My whole life, all my. All my birthday wishes, all my prayers were for something bad to happen to my dad so he could just leave, so I could have peace, quiet. Because when he was around, there was always something wrong. Screaming, yelling, breaking. He would always throw things. And I noticed that's my first instinct, too, when I get frustrated, I don't feel like.
- [60:38]
Interviewer
It's sad that you don't miss him, because I feel like you can have a life where you forgive and still are aware that you don't want that energy in your life.
- [60:49]
Victoria
Yeah, I don't.
- [60:50]
Interviewer
You know, it's like, it might be sad in the sense when you look at the.
- [60:55]
Victoria
From the outside, from the facts of,
- [60:57]
Interviewer
like, yeah, it's my dad, but, you know, just because he's your blood doesn't mean that.
- [61:03]
Victoria
Yeah. And that's where I struggle a lot too, because my dad's side of the family especially, they don't talk about it. They don't talk about anything. They don't talk about my dad. They don't talk about the other two brothers because all three boys became abusers. It wasn't just my dad that, like, you know, I'm like, there's lots of stories. My cousins have their own stories of their moms, you know? You know, and it's. And even one of my aunts, you know, I saw her be abusive, not just towards her children, but, you know, why are you stalking your husbands? Like, you know what I mean? It's. It's. It's just. It's just a lot to. To kind of digest and really understand because I've always just thought, like, what's wrong with me me? Like, why? Why doesn't anybody want to love me? Why does it? And now I'm discovering why. Because I mold myself to what they want or like. And then they don't like me anymore because I'm not the person that they first met. Because I. Everybody that meets me, everybody always tells me, oh, you're so strong and this and that. But people that truly, truly know me know that I can make myself very small for other people. Like my. My cousin Christina. She's my. She's my God sister, actually. She's. I'm actually the godmother to her son too. And she. She lives with me. She's actually my tattoo artist as well. She's just. I don't know what my life would be without her. And that's her godfather, too. And I remember one time she was with me, actually, when he worked at that building. And this was one of. This was what made me stop talking to my dad for a few years. We went to go give him something. I forgot. I used to go with him all the time, meet him randomly, give him, know, just little stuff. And I'll never forget.
- [62:45]
Interviewer
He.
- [62:46]
Victoria
He came to me and I just saw him different. I know when my dad's on something. I know, like, I could tell. And the way he was walking, I was like, something just triggered. And then my cousin Kind of noticed. Like. Like, are you okay? And then I was like, I don't like how he's walking over here. And then he comes and I give him whatever, and I just feel his energy. And I could see it in his eyes. I was like, the devil's in him right now. Now. And then he's asking about my mom. He's like, oh, I need to talk to your mom. And at this time, I was like, 22, 23. So I was like, for what? And he's all, I just need to talk to your mom. I was like, for what? And he's like, I don't need to talk to you. I need to talk to your mom. I was like, the only thing you and my mother need to discuss is my brother and I. And I'm right here. And my brother is an adult as well, so what do you want? And he was just like, you could tell. I could tell. He wanted to let it come out. But now that I'm older, he. He knows that I'll fight back with him, you know? And he does. He. I feel like he. After that one time he hit me, he never wanted to do it again because he would yell at me and stuff and throw things at me, but he would never get near me or break my things. That was his go to. So he wouldn't hit me because I would find my stuff broken sometimes when I'd come home from school. School, because what. I don't know what I did wrong, but I did something wrong, and that was part of my punishment. Like, he would pick things, he would scratch my CDs, like. Because that was my only escape when I was young was my stereo and my music. And like, Christina Aguilera's stripped album, that saved me so much when I was young. Because she actually has a song on that album that's called I'm okay. And it talks about her experience seeing her parents fighting. And I remember hearing that song, I was like, oh, my God. I'm like, I'm not the only one. And that song I just played on repeat, repeat and repeat. Because that's what she said. She's like, I'm okay in the song. Like, that's all she keeps repeating. So that was one of my go to songs. Like, I'm gonna be okay. I'm okay. Like, she's happy and okay. Like, I always looked at Christina Aguilera is like, okay. I'm like, her family was able to make it out. I was like, we have some hope. Something, you know, and that. And here And I know it's just a song, but you know, artists make music for a reason. Like even Pink. She had this song called Family Portrait. And I felt that because there's this one photo that I love that my dad didn't ruin. Because my dad, that was his go to when he was mad, he'd ruin things. He ruined all these photos of my mom, of my dad, of them together. And I remember my mom yelling at him when he was doing it. He's like, those are for them. Like those are their photos. And he didn't give a. He was just, he got a hole puncher and he hole punched his face out of all the photos and put them back. Like, I have no, I don't have a lot of pictures, but I do have that one family portrait of us and it's probably my favorite portrait of us. And that song from Pink, Family Portrait always comes out in my head too because she says in the song, she's like, in that portrait we look so happy. She's like, but that wasn't the reality. So like those two songs just gave me some kind of strength to be like, it's you're not alone. Because none of my immediate friends had this at home. None of them did, you know. So I always felt like shameful, you know. And you know, my parents smoked a lot of cigarettes too. So I used to come to school smelling like smoke the time. And if it wasn't for Monica, I truly don't know how I would have gotten through like my childhood. Because she was probably the only one that understood. It's just she was going through stuff with her mom. I didn't get that, you know, her dad was absent. And for me, I used to always low key be a little jealous of that because it's like I feel like I would rather miss him than had the experience I had with him. And there's times where I always wonder, I'm just like, what if we did leave? What would that have been better? Us being on the run? Like, I don't know, I. I'll never know, truthfully, I'll never know if that would have been a better alternative. But you know, it just wasn't part of our story. And I'm grateful it wasn't because if that was the route we took, who knows if I'd be sitting here today right now.
- [67:09]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [67:09]
Victoria
And you know, and, and just as we got older, like when we moved to the house, I was, Was I like 16, 17? It was like 16, 17ish. Or I think I had just turned 17 because we moved in around my brother's birthday and my birthday is right before my brother's. We're both on the 10th, like so we're lit. It's my birthday the first month and then he's the next one. So I remember we the. We threw his 21st birthday the first weekend we lived in that house with no furniture. It was empty house, freshly painted. And I just remember my dad, somebody gifted us this like glass chest set with shots. And my dad was walking around with cupcake holders full of shots with all to all my brother's friends just like happy birthday. Because we were all on a high that, you know, we have this house and you know, cuz it was, it was awesome, you know, and it kind of was a similar setup to my. The house that my grandpa built in Mexico. It was just like opposite. Like the rooms at the house in Mexico were on your left side and then at our house there on right side. So it just that that was the first thing we noticed. So. Because we saw so many houses. Oh my God, we saw so many houses. And that house, the moment we saw the church that was on the corner of that house, we knew it was our house. Because the church that was on the corner was the church where I did my quinceanera.
- [68:35]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [68:36]
Victoria
So it just was meant to be.
- [68:38]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [68:38]
Victoria
Because I remember when we got there, we're like, why does it look so familiar over here? And then my brother was like, like, hey. And then we're like, oh my God. That was where it was. And. And yeah, and it's. It's been a beautiful home. And I'm glad that there's only a little bit of bad memories there because my dad only lived there for like the first two years.
- [68:59]
Interviewer
Okay.
- [69:00]
Victoria
So once we were living in the house, things were okay for a little while, probably for like the first year. But then things just started getting bad. Like really bad. And I remember my mom had a Christmas party one time and she left me alone with my dad at home. And that weekend my dad was just like on one, he wouldn't leave me alone. He just kept bugging me. Like I couldn't even be in my room with my dog alone. And my dad used to abuse my dog. I don't know what he would do when I wasn't there, but I did see him many, many times throw him like a rag doll. Like, my poor dog. Like I. I felt it just breaks my heart, you know? And then now my puppy's like 16 years old and he's like, about to leave me. And I'm just like, it's hard, you know, I felt like. I felt like I let him down my dog, because I let him be around that. And I remember I. I was so upset. I was just. I. I was scared of how I was going to react if I would go at my dad and something bad would happen. That's where I was starting to be, like, I'm scared I'm going to do something. Something to him because I can't take this anymore. Like, I can't. I was fat. I was fantasizing how to kill him. Like, back then, the only true crime show there was was, like, snapped, you know? And we used to watch that show all the time. And I remember my dad used to be like, are you guys getting ideas? Like, he used to say, like, that to us, and he would make fun of us. Like, my mom and I, we love to watch the same movies over and over. Like, we really do. We're just creatures that have. Have it that way. And my dad used to always come in. Oh, the one we've never seen before. Like, he would always. He was. He was my first bully, truthfully. He really was. Like, he used to always just pick on us for the stupidest little things. And I just remember that he can. He was kind of just being like that with me the whole time, and just. I couldn't deal with it. And I. I called my mom and I was like, you guys need to get home now. Like, I can't. Like, you and I. And they had a really good time. They were this Christmas party I think was on a boat or something. I don't. And they had a lot of fun. And I just remember I texted my brother and I was like, you guys really need to come home. Like, I can't. I was like, you have to come home. And so they came home, and that was the first time my brother ever saw my dad hit my mom. And I remember they were all arguing and stuff. And then my dad hits my mom. And I'm standing there, and my brother, he's just, like, freaking out, and he's looking at me, and I'm just standing there like, what? And he's like, what? What do you mean, what? Like, didn't you just. I was like, yeah, that's your dad. Like, because I was. To the point where I was over it. I was so over it with him, with my brother, that he lived in this bubble of, you know, just nothing wrong, nothing's happening, you know, But I was just so Sick of it. I. I couldn't take it anymore, you know? So I remember his face. He's just like, I can't believe this. And my dad's just like, she deserves this. She deserves it. And I just remember going to my room and just staying in my room, and my brother just being so baffled, like, I can't believe he did it. I can't believe he hit her. And I know he probably heard stuff when we were young, because I honestly, truly believe that's also another reason why we would sleep with the TV on. Because I remember one time we were young, and. Because before we used to have. We used to share a room when we were young, young, we used to share a room. And I remember they were fighting one time, and I just remember my brother closing the door, turning on. I think it was like MTV where they'd have music videos all night. So he turned it on. He put it kind of loud. And I remember Alicia Keys, one of her songs came on. So anytime they would fight, I would sing that song in my head just so I wouldn't to tune it out a little bit. So it was like music was the one way that I kind of escaped a little bit to really let stuff out. And I don't know why all the music I was finding was, like, kind of similar to what I was going through, that I was just like, okay, I'm like this. I'm grateful I found those songs at those times because I needed it. I really needed it because. Made me realize, like, celebrities are just people too. You know, they. They go through too. So it was nice hearing their personal perspectives of their life. And I'm just like, okay, I. I can be okay, you know, and. And then watching all these snap shows and being like, there's no way that I could do this and still have a life after, you know, because I was to that point and so was my mom. Like, we were both trying to find ways to kill him. Like, truthfully, because we just couldn't take it anymore. And then it was so hard because around this time, my brother is finally starting to kind of realize what's going on. And my brother was in such a, like, bubble of his own life that he wasn't really. He was never home. Like I said, you know, he was always out with friends and just not there. And my dad would just let him go because that was his free reign time to, you know, cause his havoc and crap. And so as things are getting worse at home, my mom, her co worker s told on her at work and my mom was pissed. I remember she came home super mad. She's all she told hr. They put me in the office and they gave me all this stuff. And that's where my mom got the information for the House of Ruth. It's a very popular domestic violence organization. And without that organization, I don't think we'd be here, because they. They helped her. She told me the first time she called, she was like, oh, my friend. And the lady's like, well, have your friend call us back when she's ready. And she hung up, you know, because I'm sure they say that a lot because it's domestic violence is. Is so shameful. You know, even when I was telling some people that I was coming here to talk about this, this, they're like, oh, well, your brother's kids are going to hear this. I'm like, amp, this is their history. Like, their dad may not be the dad he is if he didn't have that in his life. They may not even exist. If my brother didn't discover this about his dad, because his wife, her father, he's not an abuser, but he does have his own struggles that are kind of similar to my dad. And that's where I've learned that some people just don't want to be parents, and some people don't let anything stop them. Because her dad, regardless of his struggles, he shows up for her, you know? And that's why I'm just like, my dad just doesn't want to try because he is always there for his daughter and my nieces and nephews, his grandkids. My dad, he doesn't show up. You know, I have. It's like pulling teeth to get him to go to spend time with my brother and his grandkids. And it's like, my mom, you don't gotta ask her twice. She's like, I'll babysit. Like, I'll be there, like, because my brother will ask us together. Oh, can you guys come babysit? Because five kids is a lot, you know, Especially my mom. She's not used to having kids all the time. Me, I'm always trailing around with like, three, four kids with me, you know, so that's nothing to me. And her and my niece will be like, goofing off together. And I'm just like, hey, both of you stop. Like, you know, and it's. And I love it. It's. It's beautiful. But it's just like, I don't want to have shame about this because one day they need to know this, they need to learn this about their life and where they come from. And I'm not trying to demonize my dad coming on here. I'm just telling my experience of how I grew up.
- [76:44]
Interviewer
Up.
- [76:45]
Victoria
And this is the result of his actions. Like, I. If I could control it, I would have had a dad who wasn't like that, you know, because of course, I would want my parents to still be together and we'd be a family. But if that means my mom doesn't get the partner she has today, then, no, I. I love her boyfriend, Dre. He's amazing, and he treats me like his own kid, you know? Like, he. He's there for me when I need it. And I've honestly been very, very blessed since my dad has gone out of my life. All the jobs I've gotten, I have male authority figures. And so at first is. It's. It's struggle, you know, because I worked for this company that was a husband and wife. It was a solar company. Even to this day, I still talk to them, and they're amazing. And the husband, he just had a very loud voice. Voice. So I used to get very triggered at first, like, with yelling, especially with the man, until I learned that's just how he speaks. You know, some people are just naturally loud. And what was so funny is his wife talked really loud. Like, you can barely hear her sometimes. I'm just like, how does this work with y'? All? You know? But because of them that taught me that, like, not everybody that's talking loudly is trying to be mean, you know? So I'm grateful that I got to be around them, because it helped me kind of get that out of my mind, because anytime I heard a man speaking loudly, I just. Yeah, you know, I tensed up. So I'm very grateful that I met them because. And I always thought he kind of didn't really like me. But around 2020, right before COVID started, actually, the manager of that company, he had passed away. And I loved that manager. He was awesome. He. He really. He took care of me a lot, too. I remember one time, my car battery broke, and I was sitting in my car, and I was, like, crying, and I was like, I have. What am I going to do? Like, you know, your car. You just. You're like, why? Like, you know, And I remember Aaron, my. That's the manager that passed. He. He came up to me, and he's all, give me your keys. Go inside. And he and one of the other associates went and bought me a battery. Didn't charge me. They just. And that's when I was like, like, so this is what it's like to have men take care of you. Like, okay. You know, I'm like, it's okay for a man to speak loudly at you, and it's not a bad thing, you know, so. And then I worked for this plumber. And this plumber, he made me grow up. And I'm so grateful for him because at that time, that was around the time where I was kind of talking with my dad, and my dad used to pick me up from work and my mom used to drop me off, and this was like my first big girl job. Like, I was a receptionist for this plumber. He was like, I pay you enough so you can afford a car, you know, because that was my first job where I started making like $15 an hour. And I was only like 19. So, yeah, I could afford a car. I didn't have any bills. I don't have credit cards yet, you know, so. So what he started doing was the last hour of my shift, he's like, I'm still going to pay you, but you and her. Because I had another lady that worked there that actually used to work with my mom. She was like, you guys are going to go out driving for the. And she was like, yeah, let's go. So they used to take me driving my last hour work, probably for like a month. And then I got my. And then I got my license and I bought my little car and my little white car. Oh, I love that car. I had to get rid of it, though, because of course, the first car you buy is always falling apart. Yeah. Oh, my. That had so many fun memories in that car because I did not get my license until I was 21. I took a long time to get my license because my mom would take me everywhere. Like, once my dad wasn't around, she would wake up early all the time. And like I said earlier, I started drinking at 13. So once I graduated high school, and after this, I'll start getting into that night. And once I graduated high school, I started hanging out with friends and drinking all the time because it was just the aftermath of everything I. I was just trying to numb the pain of everything that had happened to me in those two years. So I was drinking a lot. Like, from 21 to about, like 25ish. I was just drinking to blackout almost every day, But I'd still get up and go to work. You know, no one knew I was a functioning alcoholic because I still consider myself an alcoholic now. It's just. Now I can have two drinks and be good, like, that's it, you know, Because I have the ability to be an alcoholic if I let myself. Because my brother, he unfortunately has that same issue. He started drinking really young as well. Well, and for him, it's different. Me, I can have one drink, right? And be chill. My brother can't, you know, So I can't have a beer around him. I can't have. I can't just offer him a beer because he wants five and more. And, you know, and. And I love him, and I'm not trying to ruin his progress, you know, because my dad used to make me hide his alcohol under my legs when we would be driving. Like, my dad would drink and drive with me and all of us, you know? So I'm just like. And that's why to this day, when I have kids with me, I don't drink.
- [81:56]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [81:57]
Victoria
Like, if I have my. My niece and my godson with me, because I'll take them everywhere with me because those are the only two kids that live with me now. So if my cousin's working like her son, if he's not with her or his dad, he's me. Like, I have a car seat in my car for him. Because if he's just like, nina, I want to go with you. Okay, let's go. You can come with me. Like, I just. He. I don't care. He's my extra accessory, you know? I always tell her, I'm like, I love my friendship bracelet, that he's so perfect. Like, I love that kid, you know? That's why, for me, too, she. I don't feel like I need to be a mom. I already am a mom, and I love the kind of mom I am because I don't need to make the tough decisions. I don't need a discipline. Sometimes I do help her when he's not listening, but other than that, because my godson's very like, hold on, hold on. You're not listening to me. Like, he wants to plead his case. And me, I'm like, no, no, no. Listen to your mom, you know? Or I'll be like, no, let me do this. And, you know, so I help out whenever I can because it's hard raising kids. But I do my best to be a good example for them because I don't want them to think drinking and driving is okay. I don't want them to think that, you know, Even my niece, one time, she was like, d, you don't date. You don't go out. And I'm like, honey, you don't know my life. I'm like, I've gone out and done stuff. I just don't tell you. I'm not going to bring every guy I know or meet to meet you. Like I'm that one in the family that's like, oh, Vicki's bringing a boyfriend. Who is he? And everybody interrogates this man. Like my family has only met. They met the guy that was like my dad and then they met, oh, I had a boyfriend around making at a time too. I almost forgot about him. So they've met maybe three of my boyfriends and I'm 32 years old, so I'm very. So when I finally bring someone around, it's, it's a big deal. Like I don't just bring anybody to meet my family because I, I, I just don't. Because everybody gets so with me like, oh, she's dating someone or every. Because I feel like everyone's just like, oh, that when is she gonna get married and have kids? And I'm just like, I truly don't know if that's even what I want if I meet the right person. Like, because I'm getting to a stage in my life where I'm kind of like, I kind of just want to experience the world and you know, if I want to feel like I want to be a mom, I have my kids that I could grab, you know, and do it. Cuz even when I told my godson, I'm like, I'm going to airplane tomorrow, he was like, why I want to come with you? I'm like, you can't come with me, you know, but it's like, it's beautiful that I have that. So I'm like, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Even though people tell me all the time it's not yours, I'm like, I get all that, but you don't get what I get out of this and raising the kids I have. I'm grateful to my cousin, my cousin and her older sister for giving me the opportunity to be in their kids lives and be, be a positive influence for them. You know, I don't take that for granted and I don't, you know, everyone has their own struggles and all I'm trying to do is just be extra person to love your kid if you know, you're handling your own. You know what I mean? Because we're all people.
- [85:05]
Interviewer
But
- [85:07]
Victoria
well, I want to get into when we actually left My dad, my mom left my dad when I was, was 17. I was my junior year of high school. And at that time I had a boyfriend. We'll call him Carrie. He used to do a lot of really good Jim Carrey impressions. A little tidbit with that relationship is probably the most positive relationship I ever had. And I'm grateful. I always, I feel like I've been chasing that energy in relationship my whole life again. Cuz he grew up with, with you know, a very stable home. I always tell people like we can't. Our, our lives are different movies. Mine was the Lifetime movie if I was going to make it out alive. And his was like the dude at the beginning of Bring it on that gets to go to college and just live his life. You know, it was very. I always told him like, we come from very different worlds. Like, you know, we met in Spanish class actually in like our sophomore year year. And so by junior year we had already been dating for like over a year. So he would come to my house a lot and stuff like that. And as we started dating more, I, you know, he kind of, I started to tell him a little bit about my parents and what's going on. And you know, he didn't understand that he was, that he did have, he did have a brother who struggled with addiction. And he used to talk so bad about him, like, just very negative. And that's when I was starting to realize I'm like, this relationship is not going to end up working out long term because he just doesn't see the world the way I do. You know, his world is so, you know, his parents just gave him a car. I had to work to have a cell phone. Like, you know, I, you know, my parents just didn't give me everything, everything I had I had to work for. And I'm grateful for that. And, and also at this time of my life, my cousin Cassie was living with us. Us. And she came to live with us because my, my grandma had had a, my mom's mom, my grandma Alba, she had had a heart attack and she never woke up from her heart attack. So she was in the icu. Like she was hooked up on machines and stuff for like a good month. And that whole month we were going to the hospital every single day, every single day. The moment I got off of school, my mom got off of work. We went straight to the hospital. Like even the security guards knew us. Like we had blankets, blankets in the waiting rooms because when you're Hispanic and someone's sick, they don't leave you alone. Someone is there 24 7. Somebody's always there. And that's one thing I do like about our culture. They're very. You know, they don't. When someone is sick, everyone does band together and help, and we don't leave each other when things get hard, which I do love. And so my mom, around this time, she was finally starting to get fed up and, you know, her job already knew what was going on. And by this time, I'm pretty sure she had already called the house of Ruth again, as herself, not calling for a friend. And she actually started to get information little by little. And like, anybody in domestic violence knows, it's scary. It's scary to see everything, because then they tell you, you know, you got to pack a bag. You need to do this, you need to do that, that. And it gets a little intimidating, you know? And then after a month, we took my grandma home, and she died in my aunt's house. And after she died, we. And I remember actually when my grandma was in the hospital, my dad would be harassing her the whole time, like, calling her and calling. Because my dad, he wouldn't just call you one time. He would call until you answer the phone. So he would call hundreds of times. It was insane. Like, he would hang up and just press it. So I just remember that would happen a lot while my mom's over here upset. Her mom's dying. Like, she. He's not even letting her process what's going on. And they had some kind of fight a little after, and she calls my Aunt Siomara and is like, I'm leaving him. I'm done. Like, we are doing this. And she's like, really? Finally. Like, this is. This is real. Like, so we started getting everything together. And then my mom's like, okay, we're just gonna wait for your birthday, and then we'll wait for your brothers, and then we'll wait for Father's Day because it was getting too real, you know? But then once it. But then they had another fight, and she was just like, the line cross. It was done. So we finally really made the decision, so. So we knew if she was going to have this conversation with him, she couldn't do it alone. So we all had to be home, and we needed to have an excuse to leave the house. So I made sure Carrie was at the house as well so we could have a reason for us to leave. And so we're in the room. I'm in the room with my boyfriend, my cousin's in the living room. Room. My cousin Cassie's in the living room, my mom is in the back room talking with my dad like you know, I want a divorce. And this. And during this conversation he proceeds to tell her the only way I'm leaving this house is if I'm dead and you are too. And the kids. He's I'm gonna kill the kids. I'm gonna kill you and I'm gonna kill myself. He's like that's the only way we're walking out of this house in body bags with the it. And while they're having this conversation in the room, my brother is outside. Cuz my brother is still in la la land at this point thinking that they're going to have this conversation and my brother, my dad's just going to be like okay, you can leave me and I'll just get in this car and our son's going to drive me three hours to my mother's house. I knew that wasn't going to happen, but my brother was like no, that's what's happening. I'm going to take him to grandma's after this. Cuz my grandma, his mom was still alive. I at this point and at this point his dad had, was the only one that had passed. And so I'm in the room and I'm just nervous as hell because I know what's happening in that back room. I know. And we don't know what he has in there. He, what we discovered later was nuts. But he. They're having this conversation and I just remember my mom comes inside and she's like okay, get everything. Because we, we had had kind of little bags kind of prepped and stuff and we had to keep hiding it and moving it different places because my dad was always home. So when we come to find out later, he was just going through all of our stuff. So I was always kind of moving my stuff around. Cause I feel like a part of me knew he was kind of violating my privacy. It was just hard to prove. And two, at that time I was sharing a room with my cousin Cassie. So it was kind of like oh maybe it was just her, you know, like. Cause we're both girls, you know, I never had a sister so I didn't know what it was like sharing a room with the girls. So I just, you know, anytime some, something was off or something, I just put it off as like oh, she just put it there or something. And so me and Carrie are in my room, my cousin Cassie's in the living room. And my mom comes inside, and she's like, okay, pack. Pack some stuff. And, you know, let's start getting ready to go. And then she comes to me. She's like, okay, we have to take Carrie home soon. So we're like, oh. I was like, okay. So, like, this is it. And then my cousin, my mom, she ends up going back outside for something. And then my cousin hears them arguing outside. So she goes outside, and she sees my dad pinning my mom against the car. And she's just like, hey. Like, are you guys okay? And he's like, oh, no, we're fine. Like, you know, go inside. And then. Because at first, she wasn't gonna come with us to drop him off, because she didn't always come with us. She would come randomly to drop him off because he didn't live too far. It was probably like 25 minutes away. Okay. And so she's in the car, or no, she's. She randomly decides, like, I'm going to go with you guys. And I was like, oh, okay, that's fine. You know? And then I go outside for something, and I see my dad just outside, just kind of pacing. And I look at him, and he looks so evil. Like, I was terrified in that moment. I was like, this is it. Like, I really felt like I was gonna die that day. Like, I just. Something was gonna happen. If it wasn't me, it was my mom something. And I just felt this evil radiating around him. Like, not even just looking. It was just I. That I saw the devil that day. That's how I see when he would get like that. And so I'm walking out there, and he's just. He didn't say anything to me. He's just mad, dogging me with. With this look of just anger. And the biggest reason, too, why my mom finally decided to leave my dad was because when I turned 18, I told her. I was like, I can't do this anymore. Like, you have to leave him. I'm like, because if not, I'm gonna leave. And she's like, where are you gonna go? I'm like, I'd rather be a homeless stripper on the corner than live in this house with him. Like, you need to do something. And that was a big gamble for me because kids that are from domestic violence, your parents don't always choose you. They'll choose them. So I took a big gamble there on saying that to my mom, but I just couldn't do it anymore. And I was very grateful that she chose me. Very grateful. Because I'VE heard so many other stories where they choose them and then those women are not here today, you know, so I'm grateful she chose me. And so we. We all get in the car. Car. And all we had because we were just so scatterbrained. We had our dogs, we had Simba and Bella, Cassie, my mom and Carrie and a full tank of gas. That's all we had. We didn't take any money. We didn't take in on our. And my mom had her cell phone. That was it. That was all we had in the car. And we're driving and driving to drop him off. He kind of knew, you know, so none of us were really talking. And the whole time my dad's blowing up my mom's phone. The entire time, from the moment we leave, he's just calling her and calling her and calling her. And my cousin is sitting in the front with my mom seeing it. And she's just seeing. And you could tell that my mom is just so upset and anxious and it's understandable. She just got threatened. And she knew in her heart that he meant it this time. Cuz that was his favorite threat to tell her all the time. Time. I'm gonna kill the kids and kill you and myself always. He would always threaten us and. And that's why part of me would always get so mad with my brother, because I'm just like, he tried. He wanted to kill you too. Like it was just me. So we go, we drop him off, and once my boyfriend gets in the house, we're in the car and we kind of just like, we don't know what to do, you know, and the phone's ringing and he's expecting us home and we're just kind of. We don't know what to do. So we're driving and then my mom's starting to drive back. I'm like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And then she calls her friend, S, the one that had told HR about everything. And she's like, no, you need to call the police. Do not go home. Do not go home. And I just remember being like, I let me out. Let me out of the car right now. Like, I don't know. Because we were so kind of close to my boyfriend's house that I was like, you know what?
- [96:31]
Interviewer
What?
- [96:31]
Victoria
I'll just walk back to his house. You go die. I'm over this. And. And I think S heard me on the phone because it was on like Bluetooth and I just hear her listen to your daughter and call the police. And then my cousin was like, yeah, we have to call the cops now. And I don't remember if we called and they told us to go to the police station or if we just went to the police station. Cuz I just remember being at the police station and there was a cop that met us there. And then he started taking my mom's car statement. And I remember my dog Simba, he would not leave my mom. He was just, he became her dog for like the next two years. He left me and he was just with her and she and my dog. He didn't like males as you can see, because my dad and you know, but he wasn't even barking at the cop. Nothing. He was my. He was just next to my mom, like I'm not leaving her and the copy up. I'll never forget this guy. He kind of reminded me like a tall Vin Diesel. He was bald, kind of buff, or maybe it was just his uniform, I don't know. But I remember him being buff and he was a very sweet guy. I remember I talked to him later at my dad's sentencing hearing. But he, and at the time we also had this black and white pit bull. His name was Mostro and he was the best pit bull ever. And my dad unfortunately used to abuse him as well. Well, and, but he was such a good dog. He was so loyal to my mom, like that was her dog. Like we didn't even need a leash for that dog. And I just remember my mom being like, don't let anything happen to my dog. Like telling the cop. Cuz this whole time while she's doing the police report, my dad's still calling my mom and me. I'm like freaking out because that police station we were at was maybe five minutes from our house. We were so close to our house. So in my head I'm just like, like oh my God, he's figuring it out. He's walking over here like we're dead. Like that's all that kept running through my mind because I just saw how he looked, you know, so I'm like, he's capable of anything right now. Like he really is. I've seen what he's capable of. So I know that it could get worse than that. And, and I'm just with my cousin. Like we have her little dog. She's the cutest little teacup chihuahua. I loved Bella and, and we were both just kind of hanging out and my cousin just, she's a little confused because she kind of knew what was going on. She had been living with us and. But it was just such a confusing night because my mom kept saying, oh, we're going to do it today. We're going to do it today. And never happened. Never happened. And then. Then it was real. Like, game time happened and we were all just, oh, shit, what am I going to do? And so we are there and the cop is taking the report. And so he's finishing taking the report. And then he tells her like, okay, well, you guys can't go home. And then we're like, well, where are we going to go? He's like, you guys can't go home and you can't go anywhere that he may know. And as he's having this conversation, I call my brother because we forgot everything. We didn't have food, we didn't have clothes, we didn't have money. We didn't have nothing. We just had the dogs in ourselves and a full tank of gas. That was it. So I'm calling my brother and my brother tells me. He's like, oh, dad's in the shower. So I was like, okay, cool, cool. My dad used to do marathons in the bathroom. As I stated earlier, his showers would take four hours. So I was like, okay, cool. I was like, jack, go to my room. We have this, this, and this. And get some of the dog food because we don't know what's gonna happen. So. So he's like, okay. So as he's in the process of getting everything, I'm telling him, he calls me, he's out of the shower. And I'm like, get the out of the house right now. And he's like, what? I was like, get out now. He's all. But I was like, I don't give a. Whatever you have have. Get out. I was like, he took a shower in 30 minutes. Get out. And he's just like, you're being dramatic. Because in this time, my brother's still very in denial of how serious this is. And I'm just like, just. Will, listen to me, please. I was like, get out of the house. And he's like, okay, let me just get my cat. And Sonia, the cat runs away from my brother, of course. So he's. That was his baby. So he was like, she was. Ran away. And I was like, we will get her later. Just whatever you have, get out of the house. I don't want you to be alone with him. Like, get out. And he leaves. Thankfully, he leaves just in time, before my dad is even dressed or anything, you know. So my Brother goes to a friend's house who's not too far and unfortunately he proceeds to start drinking while he's over there. So while we're at the police station, he's at his friend's house hanging out, getting a little tipsy. See? And so once the cop tells us, okay, you guys have to do this and that, whatever, I'm like, okay, we gotta go meet Jack so we can get all of our stuff and get a game plan, like what's next? So we go meet my, my brother and he's not coming out and me and my cousin are just, oh my God, like what? You know, I'm like, my dad knows where this friend lives. Like we can't be here, like we need to go somewhere, you know, so. And then we were to trying, trying to call one of my mom's other friends. I'll call her my aunt Barbie because she looks like a Barbie doll, Legit blonde hair, always in pink. Like I love her. She's like my Italian auntie that I always say. And, and we were calling her because I was like, you know what, he knows her, but she's the only person that he may not know where she lives. And so we're calling and calling her and she's not answering. And we're like, where do we go? We can't go to my aunt's house. And then I was like, like, car's mom works for a hotel. I was like, it, I'm calling him back. So I called him and he's like, is everything okay? I was like, I need to talk to your mom. And he's like, why? I was like, I need to talk to your mom now. I was like, give her the phone, please, this is an emergency. And he would always get kind of weird with me talking with his parents. I don't know why, but he, he gives the phone to his mom. Cuz I don't think he ever told his parents. Maybe is what I'm thinking now about what was going on with my family. So I get the phone and I'm talking to her and I was like, can you help us get a room tonight? I was like, and I told her everything. I was like, you know, we called the cops on my dad, blah blah, blah. I was like, we can't go home. And so she's like, yeah, just give me a minute. So she makes some calls and she got us a room for like 50 bucks for us to go. And so I'm like, okay, we have a place to stay. Like we're okay, like, let's just get Jack and get the hell out of here. Because it was taking forever to get my brother because he started to party. And finally, as we're starting to get him out, I don't remember if it was my cousin or my mom who went to go get him, because I remember being in the car and my brother swears the cop called him, but I remember getting the phone call, and I remember him, the cop, being like, I have your father in custody. And then I was like, what?
- [103:19]
Interviewer
What?
- [103:20]
Victoria
He's like, you guys are welcome to come home. And then I'm like, wait, just like that. Like, you know, it just felt so surreal to me. I'm like, it's, he's gone. Like, it's just done. Like, what? And he's like, yeah, you guys are safe to go home. He's in custody and we are going to book him tonight. So the original reason why they even were was because since he threatened all of us, they charged him with, like, a terrorist attack or something like that. That I don't remember clear. Like, I should have gotten the police report to have all the details, but that was the initial reason why he was able to go. So at the sentencing hearing, I, I, the cop came up to us, and then, you know, he just was like, you know, how are you? Like, and then I was like. So I was like, can you tell me, like, what happened that night, like, when you showed up and everything? And so the cop tells me, he's like, yeah. He goes, so when I pulled up, up, we have, like, a security door, and then our wooden door. My dad used to always have the wooden door open and be like, at the security door or the, our wooden door has, like, a little glass so you can kind of see through. And he said that when he pulled up, that at first the, he was just standing there with the wood door open. And then my dad noticed it was a cop and he closed the door. And then he was just kind of looking through the window and that finally he went up to the door and he opened it and started talking to him. And then he noticed that my dad was wearing a bulletproof vest. And then as he proceeded to talk to him more, he also found a gun there. So if we were to have come home, we would have walked in to my dad sitting there, him wearing a bulletproof vest and a gun in his hand. What would we have done? Like, what would have happened if we walked through that door that night instead of sending the cop? We would have died. Like, that would have Been it. He was literally just waiting for us to just walk in and just. And that was it. And I just remember I'm standing there listening to this man say this to me. And I'm looking up, you know, we're in the court, like, you know, like the outside part of the courtroom, you know how it's like court doors and then there's that area. Well, of course my dad's sister is there. And this sister, my. This aunt, she was always like the sweetest one. But messing with her brother brought out the evil side of my aunt. Like, she was so mean. And this is when I was very disappointed in my. My dad's side of the family because they demonize members, Mom. They were like, putting it all on her, that it was her fault and this and that. And that's when I realize now I'm like, you guys are just so used to this that it's just easier to blame my mom than make your brother take accountability for his actions and making it smaller. And I'm live. And, you know, I'm standing there listening to this cop, and I'm just seeing my aunt just mad at me and tell. And then she tells, has the nerve to tell me, you don't know anything. And I'm like, I don't know anything. I'm like, I was there, you weren't. You don't know anything. And that's when I proceeded to have issues with my. My dad's side of the family for a few years. Because they just kept telling me, you're just a little girl. You don't know nothing. No, like, you don't. You don't understand. Like, you don't get what it's like for married people. That's normal and blah, blah, blah. I'm like, no, you were not there. I was like, he got arrested because he was going to kill others. Us. I'm like, the only reason why he was actually able to get booked was because he had a gun that wasn't registered, because he had a bulletproof vest that he wasn't supposed to have. Because I don't know what the regulations are about owning a bulletproof vest and all that, but clearly the way he obtained it was not right. And. And two, I know my. My dad has had a gun before because that's not the first time he's threatened my mom with gun. He's done it before even when we lived in the apartments, and that was when I was young. So he's always been this way, even when they dated as young kids. She told me when she was pregnant with my brother, he hit her, you know, so he's always been this way. He. It never just happened one day. It's who he is. And at that sentencing, he ended up getting. I think he was in jail for like a year. And then he was on probation for about three, four years. And then we had a restraining order against him for about five years, something like that. And we actually just found the restraining order the other day. I was looking at it, I was like, damn. And we even had my cousin Cassie on it because she was living with us. So we just wanted to make sure. And my brother wasn't on it because this was the time in our life where we were family divided. We were because I was just with my mom. Like, you know me, it's me and my mom. Because that's how it always felt. It was just us against him, us against him, always. And that was the first time where I just felt so heartbroken that I. It wasn't us three against him. We were against him. And so my dad goes to jail. And I remember probably, I want to say that first week after he went to jail, a bunch of random people kept coming to the house at weird times. So we had to keep telling all these weird, random people to let them know that Sylvester, my dad, no longer lives there and not his real name, by the way. And we just had to keep telling, like, oh, you know, Sly doesn't live here. Sly doesn't live here. Let tell your friend. Because for like a good month, we were getting really odd characters showing up during the day because they knew my mom, they knew like that my mom would come home at night, like after 5 o'. Clock. So a lot, a lot of times during the day. It was a little scary to be home that first month because my dad had so many types of different types of drug addicts coming over all the time, you know, so. And luckily all that stopped probably by like the third month and we stopped getting visitors. And then my brother started to visit my dad in jail and he would come home pissed, just every time blaming my mom, like, it's your fault. While he. Why he's there. It's her fault. And I'll never forget one of the times he came. He came home so livid and just came in, like, arguing with my mom. And I stepped in and I was like, don't talk to her like that. He's like, no, you don't get it. I was like, no, you don't get it. You weren't There, there. I was like. And she didn't. I was like, you think she deserves this? I was like, you can leave. And then he's like, this is my house because my mom bought the house with my brother. Because my dad couldn't help, you know, he couldn't provide to the house, so it was his house. And he's like, yeah, well, what are you gonna do? I was like, I'll become a stripper if it means you don't have to live here. You're not gonna speak to my mom like that. And I just remember him looking at me like. Because I was 18 years old saying this, you know, I didn't give a. I'm like, I was done watching people treat my mom that way. And then for my brother to start being like, it's your fault. It's one thing seeing my aunts and stuff saying things like that to my mom, but my brother, boy, you have no idea what we both endured for you to go live your free, happy life and act like you didn't live in a domestic violence house when you did. You know, because he says it in his email. He's like, I was so oblivious. I had no idea what was going on on. I was just focusing on myself and partying and. But two, when you look at it, that was his way of not dealing with what was going on, because he did. He did subconsciously know. So I like to call this time in my life my hell years. Because not only did I almost get murdered by my dad and potentially lose my mom and my cousin and my brother about. So my dad was already in jail about six months. It was like. Yeah. About six months later, tragedy struck my family. My aunt Xiomara, her oldest son, my cousin Alex, he was shot and killed. And so we were finally adjusting to a new normal, you know, and then this happens and we're just broken, you know, dealing with everything with my dad was a lot. You know, kind of trying to settle, find myself, find my footing. And then this happens. Because around this time, when my mom and finally left my dad, we were at my theacio Mara's house almost every weekend. Because we were making up for all the time that we didn't go when my dad was there. Because the price we had to pay to visit her her was not a fun one. Not for my mom, not one I'd like to listen to. I hated going to her house, like I said earlier. And then my cousin dying was just. He was on my mom's side. Were what I think we're eight Grandkids. Yeah, we're eight grandkids. And he was the first one. He was the oldest one, and he was the best. Oh, sorry. Talking about him, I can never not cry. Because what's sad about his story is that he had to live in Mexico for a lot of his life because he had lost his visa. So he lived in Mexico. His dad and then his mom moved out here. So, you know, we lost a lot of time with him. So he had just moved out here and he had. He was finding his footing here in California, you know, or in California, where we live. And he had got a job and he would work construction, right. And anytime we drive by one of the job site, he be like, oh, I did that. I did that. That was me. Like, he just was beautiful energy that we miss a lot. There's, like, I think, like, four kids named after him. My brother's oldest son included. His middle name is after him. Actually is kind of inspired by him. And then so Alex passes away, and we're all just kind of together all the time after that, you know, and then we're all getting used to a new normal. I'm starting my senior year, and senior year is fun, you know, it's supposed to be fun. But for me, the only good thing about my junior and senior years, I don't know how I managed to have straight A's and honor roll during this time with all this craziness. I just. Just channeled a lot of my energy into school because. And I give a lot of credit to my boyfriend at the time, Carrie. He would always, what are you going to do with your life? Like, you know, and the way he would approach it wasn't the greatest, but he did have a. A point, you know, and I do give him a lot of credit to why I had honor roll my last two years. I never was on honor roll my. In my entire life, you know, and I graduated with two pins like it was. I felt very proud of myself. And so going into senior year and all that, we're adjusting to our life and dealing with the aftermath of losing my cousin. And then comes my grandma's anniversary, her mom of her death. And then tragedy strikes again. This one's hardest for me and one of my aunts, one of my moms, she was one of my chosen family. She and my cousin, who's like my little sister, they died in a car accident together. So now that happened, and I'm just 18 years old, dealing with all of that grief and surviving my father and losing her right before senior year, especially with the fact that she was at my house on Sunday. And then she died Wednesday morning. And when she was at my house, we were planning her prom dress and it was just so hard losing her. I was 17 at the time. She had died right before my birthday. So for a little while, I really hated my birthday because she died probably two weeks, three weeks before my birthday, something like that. So I really did not like my birthday for a while because not only was it my anniversary, my grandma dying, it was also now the anniversary of my aunt and my cousin died. And I remember at my cousin Alex's funeral, me and that cousin that passed, we had had so much fun at his funeral. She had just gotten her license and I remember we needed to go somewhere and she's like, I need an adult to drive. So my brother's like, I could go, I have my license. So we take him and then we go to this like, weird five way stop and she's all freaking out and my brother's like, just take that one. And there's like three roads. She doesn't know what to do. And so we had a lot of fun at that funeral. So it was just so, so heartbreaking that six months later I was at her funeral. Like, losing her was the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I never had a little sister. She was my little sister. Anything I had, she needed to have a better version. She needed it too. Like, and even to this day, I'd give anything to argue with her over something stupid. And she's actually related to Christina, that's actually her cousin. So that's what made me and Christina get really, really close later in our life. Because, you know, we were like a little trio. Well, technically there was like five of us that were all kind of born within the same, like, from like six to eight months of each other. And me, Christina, me and Delia were the last of those five. Five. So it was mainly us three a lot, but it was me and Delia more. And so losing her just wrecked me. Completely wrecked me. I, I couldn't deal and, But I, I, I managed to graduate. I managed to, you know, something came over me that I was like, I just need to live my life as best I can because she can't, you know. And then I remember graduation time came and my dad was out of jail by this time. By the time my graduation came and things at home between my mom and my brother and I had gotten a lot better. We had kind of started to heal and find Our way to the three of us. My cousin Cassie had already moved out, so it was just us three for a while. And then we're adjusting to all this. They pass. And my graduation's here and I just remember my brother start. That's when he starts to date Judy, his future wife. And me and her became really close friends. And I'm just like, oh, I have an extra ticket. I don't even know how I managed to get so many tickets for my graduation, but I ended up getting a lot. And I remember I was like, I told my brother, I was like, oh. I was like, this ticket's for Judy. And he's all, what about dad? And I'm all, no. Right away. I was like, no. I was like, and besides, he can't be there. He can't be within 100ft of me even if I wanted him there. Cuz our restraining order was intact. I was like, no. And he was like, no, but he deserves. I was like, no. A man who I heard my whole life saying I was never going to graduate and if I did, I was going to do it with a baby on my side. Hip does not deserve to be at my graduation. I was like, so no. I was like, either give it to Judy or I will find somebody else to give it to because if my father shows up, I am not speaking to you. And he took me seriously, thank God, and respected my opinion. And we invited Judy and I love that we invited her because the fact that now she's married to my brother, it makes those pictures so much more valuable because it's even better. You know, that was the start of their life together pretty much. You know, and me and her were so close in the very beginning, you know, and we still are to this day. You know, I, I commend her a lot. She's a stay at home mom. You know, her kids are amazing. You know, I love the life that they have and the little world that they have. It's. It's beautiful to watch. And so I'm grateful that she was there. And she was really there for me too during a lot of this. Because about two weeks after graduation, Carrie broke up with me. He straight up was like, your life is too difficult for me. I was just like, okay, because I have a choice in that matter. You know, I, I chose my dad to kill me. I chose for my family. He started dying and dropping like flies. That was all my choice. Whatever. And I took that breakup really hard. I, I did harass him a lot. And, and you know, I Never have apologized to him. And if that ever happens, I would, you know, if I get the opportunity to see him again. I don't. I haven't reached out because I'm not trying to disrupt his life, you know, because now we're 32. We were 18 years old, we were freaking kids. There's no need to reach out for that. But I do know I do owe a lot to him in my life because I don't think I'd be here if I wasn't dating him at that time.
- [121:06]
Interviewer
Time.
- [121:06]
Victoria
Cuz why? What would have been our reason to leave that night if he wasn't there? You know, his presence alone could be the reason why what, four, six kids were born. Like my brother had four, my cousin had two. You know, if something happened to either one of them that night, I would have never gotten to meet these beautiful little souls that were created years later, you know. So I owe a lot of what I have now to him being in my life. And at that time, I really do. Because I'll never know if I would have been alive if he wasn't there that day. Because I remember, I think a week after everything happened, not only were we getting weirdos coming, we got this one detective, I don't know his name. I wish I could find him because he was so sweet. I remember he showed up and he was kind of like in. I just remember he was like. And like slacks and like a gray button up shirt and he came to check on me and my mom. And then he, he's the one that made it real for me that I was like, this was scary. Like this could have ended badly because he came to check on us and he's all, well, I just came from seeing your dad and I was like, oh. And then he's all, he's like. And I noticed you guys haven't gone to visit us. Him, he's all, But I see your brother has. And we're like, yeah, we haven't. Because my mom's like, I'm done. I'm. I'm not going back. And then he looked at my mom, he's like, I really hope you don't. He's all, cuz a lot of us thought you and your daughter were dead after we read everything. And there was a woman who even called my mom later, like within those weeks saying the same thing. Being like, when your file came on my desk, I thought you and your daughter were dead. So hearing other people that didn't know us be like, you guys would have died. And Then hearing my family saying, he wasn't going to do anything to you, you're dumb. That's. He wouldn't go that far. It's just so. It's hard, especially when you're 18. And then being an adult now, it's just. You guys just don't want to admit that your brother makes bad decisions, you know, like, not saying, my dad's a bad person. He's a great man. I. I owe a lot of my good traits, like how everyone's like, I have the best of him already. I have his kid. I'm the best parts of my dad, and I'm doing everything I can to stay the best parts of him, you know, because I don't. I don't want to ever cross that line because I always feel like I could be capable of what he's been capable of because he was my biggest influence. I feel like he was grooming me to be just like him, you know? And, you know, because why would you just expose me to everything? Why would you just show me all of that when, as a man, I would think I need to be a good man to be this kind of example to my kids, to my son, to my daughter. But all he told me as an example was, don't be a helpless woman that's never left me, ever. I'm a little grateful for that, because I'm not. I'm not. I do.
- [124:15]
Interviewer
Oh.
- [124:16]
Victoria
Being a strong woman to both of my parents, because my mom, I saw her be strong my whole life. Dealing with that and raising kids and starting a new career and everything that life throws at you, and she's still on two feet and she's able to laugh is awesome. Like, you know, even though I still live with her now, I don't care. I've had people be like, you're still live with your mom. You're 32. I don't give a. I could still go on my mom's bed and cuddle her, like, if I was five. And if you make fun of me, I'm sorry, you can't do that with your mom. Mom, like. And I tell her all the time, we're just making up for all the time we lost. Yeah, that's what we're getting back right now. That's what we're doing. So when this opportunity came and it was so far from where we're from, I was like, you want to come with me, Mom? So that's why I'm glad she came. And doing the. You know, she's always like, I Want to travel. I want to travel. I'm happy. This was a good kickstart to help realize that for her, that dream name. And all I'm trying to do is just show my nieces that it's okay to be single, it's okay not to have kids. Find yourself. Love yourself first before you love someone else, you know, before you do anything. Because you're the only one you have at the end of the day, you know, And I. That's all. I hope that me coming on here can help my family understand me more too. Because even my niece told me one time I went to go visit, and she was like, thea, can you tell me what happened? And I was like, huh? And she was like, yeah, with your dad? Like, I don't know. And I was like, what do you know? Tell me. And I don't even remember what she told me, because I was just like, that is so not right. Right? I was like, you want to know? I told her everything. I just told you guys. I was sitting on the floor in my aunt's house with everybody there, and I could tell my aunts were getting mad, but I was talking in English, so they couldn't fully understand everything I was saying, but they could. They knew I was talking about my dad. I know they knew. But my niece, she was just like. Yeah, like, her face changed. She's all. I didn't know that because my dad, he was the favorite uncle. Uncle, or he is the favorite uncle. Everybody loves their Theo Sylvester. That's him, you know, And. And that's what used to drive me nuts, because to the world, he presented himself very different, you know, and that's very common with narcissists and, you know, abusers, they image is very important to them, you know, so that's why I learned, because when everything happened, nobody was believing us. Everybody, even my mom, they're like, that's not true. Through. My mom hadn't been enduring abuse from my dad. She met him when she was 15 years old. That's how long she's been with my dad. So, you know, and then grow herself. Her environment also being domestic violence as a child. Like, how. How was she gonna know any different, you know? And since she was so coddled and stuff that she. She didn't. She didn't even realize my dad was doing drugs until he was arrested. It like. Cuz even that night, we had gone home, gone back home before we went to the hotel, and I couldn't stay there. Like, we didn't have to stay at the hotel that night. But I'm so grateful that Car's mom gave us that place to, to just get away for the night because I couldn't be there. And for the longest time I hated that my, my room felt like a. Like a trap, like a box. Cuz my room, that's how it always was. There'd be times where he'd hit her and then he'd send her in my room in the corner and I'd have to watch my mom after he hit her and she's all crying. No one should ever have to see their mother like that, ever. And those were my childhood memories of my parents. I rarely have like when she's like, we had good times because they used to take us on drives. There's a little town near us called Chino and they have a lot of farms. So my dad used to call it Fart land. So he'd be like, let's go to fart land. And all we would do is drive around all these fields, look at the cows and then go home. That's was all we did, you know. And I do have good memories of him. Like the one good memory I have of my dad as a kid, I will say is my sixth birthday. I was in a wedding and it was. The wedding was on my actual birthday. And I remember I've always loved my birthday. And I was really upset because I was like, I'm going to. I don't want to be in this. And my dad was all like, you're going to be the girl holding the train. Like people are going to see you, blah blah, blah. So we go to this wedding, we have fun, but. But I'm big on my birthday so I'm expecting something when we come home. At least something of Happy birthday. So we're there and we come home and I'm like, where's my cake? And they're just like. And I could see they looked at each other like, oh crap. And I could see my mom's probably like I forgot the cake. And my dad's probably looking at her like, you forgot the cake? Like, you know, cuz everything was always my mom's fault. And so I. That was the one memory I have of my dad being my dad. Like, my baby girl wants this, I'm gonna get it for her. And I was like starting to throw fit. I was like, it's my birthday, I need to blow out candles. Like I was mad. And then my dad's like, you wanna blow out candles? You're gonna blow out candles. So they ordered me a pizza and they put candles on it.
- [129:32]
Interviewer
I love it.
- [129:32]
Victoria
So that was my pizza cake, you know, and that's my. My dad made that reality, you know, and that's one of my favorite memories of him.
- [129:41]
Interviewer
When's the last time that you spoke to your dad?
- [129:43]
Victoria
Dad? Actually I saw him last week. Did you? Yeah.
- [129:46]
Interviewer
What was the relationship like today?
- [129:48]
Victoria
I keep it very. At arm's length, you know, Like, I was it like two months ago. I kind of forced my dad to come to my brother's house because like I said, he. He doesn't make time to, you know, go see my brother, go see the kids. And I can see it hurts my brother. Like, I know he's an adult and I know it's his relationship and. And a part of me is a little happy that he understands how my dad used to treat me, but it also really makes me mad.
- [130:19]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [130:19]
Victoria
Because even though he shouldn't be treating either one of us that way, since he only treated me that way, I'm all. I feel this like, why are you doing that to him? Like, you need to be there. You know, I. I feel kind of like a. You know, because they parentified us, you know, my brother became my mom's like, financial partner and I became her emotional, you know, so it's just. It was weird, you know, a weird dynamic. But I do my best to have a decent relationship with him because he's only getting older, and the last time I saw him, he looked nothing like my dad. Like, how I remember him, you know, he. He looks very. It breaks my heart a little bit, you know, because there's still that little girl in me that wants to make him happy and. And I have to keep her at bay because it's. I need to heal her. She. She doesn't need him in his validation, you know, because I'm never going to get the validation I want from him ever. I'm never going to. Because he needs to love himself before he can truly give that to me and my brother. You know, I don't know what my dad went through. I don't know. You know, the drugs made him do a lot of things that were not okay. I'm like. Cuz two. After he was gone, we went through that room he. That he. He was kind of living in. And I found a lot of my underwear there. And it's like, that was just such a violation for me because I never realized that I count my clothes and I didn't realize that. I'm like, how long have I Been doing that because there'd be times where there'd be like a shirt missing or something and then it magically would appear in my closet again. And I'm just like, what the. And then after he was gone and we found all his drug pipes and all kinds of crazy ass and then I find my underwear and then my cousin Cassie finds her underwear too. I'm just like, my, something's wrong with him. Like he, he needs to help himself, you know, and I'm not judging him. I'm not trying to talk bad, I'm not trying to be mean. It's just, just being violated by your dad that way. Like, I don't know, would have been worse if he would have raped me or done that. Like, cuz that's. You should never have your kids underwear unless you're washing it and putting it in their drawer. That's the only reason you should ever have your kids undergarments. Truthfully, especially a girl like into like me being around my kids. I would never. Like I yell at them because they leave their clothes places. Not because, you know, I just for him, I don't know. You know what I mean? It's. I don't know what he did. It's just my dad has, has demons he needs to fight on his own. I can't fight those battles for him,
- [133:12]
Interviewer
you know, And I think we figure out, you know, what works best for us and if right now, you know, it feels right having this kind of more arm's length relationship and that, that, that's healthy for you, that's all that matters, you know, and it seems like you've gone through different phases in life where sometimes he's not there at all. And now he, you know, if it's a place where he can be and you still are able to, you know, be aware of everything and still heal and, and be on your own and that's all that matters for you and whatever's best for you and your family
- [133:43]
Victoria
and yeah, you know, yeah, I do my best. And a lot of his, his side of the family, like my aunts and stuff, after everything, after he got out of jail, everybody tried to help and, and they all slowly started to realize how he is and you know, even one of my cousins helped him. And I remember his wife, she was all like, well, I got to talk to you. And I just, I knew what she was trying to tell me and then I just looked over at her and I was like, he took your underwear too. And then she just had this face like if she was going to reveal something to me. And I was like, honey, who do you think he had been doing that to his whole. Why do you think he has that habit? You know? And she was just like. So that's when my family kind of on my dad's side became divided. It was the aunts versus the kids because the kids were all old enough now to be like, no, you don't know what you're talking about. Like, and different dynamics and two is different generations. You know, their. Their generation is like, you just don't talk about this. And then. Very cultural. Mexicans don't talk about this, like, anything. You know, a lot of Mexican. Mexican families don't believe in therapy. Like. Like, you know, it's. That's. Things need to be spoken about. Like, you just need to talk about it. And you know, that. That's it. It doesn't have to be in truth. Yeah. And that's all.
- [135:02]
Interviewer
There's nothing wrong with explaining. I think that's a. Another misconception is people think by sharing your story you're doing other people wrong.
- [135:11]
Victoria
And that's how everybody was making me feel.
- [135:13]
Interviewer
Like your story, it's your life too, you know, and it's. There's no. I think, you know, you did your part of, like, you know, when you change names and stuff like that, that's keeping people's privacy. But that doesn't mean that you can't share your truth in your story to help yourself and help others. And that's. That's a beautiful thing. That's taking something that was negative and making a light out of it to show other people that they're not alone. Because like you said, there were so many times when you were younger that you wanted to feel like you could relate to somebody.
- [135:45]
Victoria
No.
- [135:46]
Interviewer
That's what you're doing.
- [135:46]
Victoria
Yeah. And I couldn't. Like, I've been. I've become friends with some people I went to high school with that I wasn't friends with at that time.
- [135:53]
Interviewer
Yeah.
- [135:53]
Victoria
And then they'll be like, I didn't know you were going through all that. Like, what? Like, you're.
- [135:58]
Interviewer
Wow.
- [135:59]
Victoria
You know, and it's just like, sometimes I don't give myself enough credit. I always play it down, you know, And I think a lot of people do that because.
- [136:06]
Interviewer
Absolutely.
- [136:07]
Victoria
You know, And I. I'm trying my best not to do that because is. I matter too. My voice matters. And the way I act and how I'm so loud and obnoxious is because no one ever listened to me when I was Young, I always had to be screaming and yelling for someone to be like, okay, Vicki, we hear you. You know, but even then, I still wouldn't get. Because I. I'm. I've always been the baby on both sides of the family. Like, you know, on my dad's side, I was the second to the last grandkid out of 15. You know, on my mom's side, I do have two younger cousins than me, but it's like, there's only two girls on that side of the family, and I'm the only one. You know, unfortunately, two of my cousins have, you know, addiction issues as well. And it's just I. I unfortunately have a lot of family that struggles with drug addiction. And loving an addict is so hard because you want to help them, but you can't. They need to want it, you know, and some people just don't get it, you know, it's just like they. You kind of. There's a saying in. In. In Spanish, like, malavida. Like, they like the bad life, you know, like, let them. It. No matter what you do. No, they keep going. Like, just let them have it. You know what I mean? And that's one thing that I've always learned. Like, you know what? They like to live that way. That's not my reality. That's theirs.
- [137:28]
Interviewer
I'm so grateful, as always, for all my guests that come on and want to share. And, you know, it takes a lot of. A lot of courage, a lot of strength, especially when you have people kind of telling or trying to convince you.
- [137:39]
Victoria
Like, yeah, I did have some people trying to tell me, like, don't. And I just like.
- [137:43]
Interviewer
Or to question it. Like, are you sure you want to do that?
- [137:45]
Victoria
But that's part of the problem. And that's what I kept saying. I'm like, that's part of the issue. I shouldn't have shame about this because there's so many things that go on and happen to people that they're still living normal lives. You can still be trafficked as a woman and still live a normal life, you know, so it's like, why can't I have lived in a domestic violence household and still look like a normal girl? Like, and why talk about it? Yeah, and that's why I. I want to stop. Because, you know, my mom, she volunteers for that organization, the House of Ruth, and I, you know, going with her and then knowing that all of these women, like, especially the group that she's a part of, all of those women are survivors themselves. Like, they're all inspiring. And it's amazing to see my mom be there, you know, Like, I'm so proud of her. I'm, I'm so grateful she's my mom. You know, the universe gave me not the greatest father, but I'm choosing to make a positive out of it because I am the best parts of my dad. So I'm trying to keep that. And so is my brother. Brother, you know, he, in this day and age, for him to have a stay at home mom with five kids and he's able to afford that in California. I'm proud of him because who taught him to do that? My dad didn't. He didn't have an example of a man being like, you take care of your family and you got this. He didn't have that example. So my nieces and nephews, they should be grateful that, you know, because I've told my brother before, I'm like, if me enduring what I endured made you this man, I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I would not care. And if all of this is what made me be there for my kids, I do it again. Spring just slid into your DMs. Grab that boho look for that rooftop dinner. Those sandals that can keep up with you. And hang some string lights to give your patio a glow up. Spring's calling, Ross. Work your magic. Pandora Jewelry brings the sparkle to your summer now with even better prices. Enjoy up to 50% off select styles. From personalized pieces to must have favorites made for the summer. Timeless designs that shine with you through every moment wherever the summer takes you. Shop in store or online now through July 6th. Terms and conditions apply. Visit pandora.net for details.