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- [00:00]
A
I'm Bri, and I lost my husband Easton at 24 to a motorcycle accident while I was five months pregnant. Best place to start is the beginning. We met on Tinder 2019. Well, it was later 2018. And then we talked for a year and a half. I could never get him to meet me, like ever. At one point I was like, all right, he's a catfish. He's some 80 year old man trying to drain my bank account or just be gross and creepy. And we just kept talking and talking and I kept giving him these chances. He was working three jobs at the time. It was a diesel mechanic. He was laying sod in the summer and then he was working for a cable company, like just making wires for your cars and whatever it may be. And then one day I was working, I worked a graveyard shift and I'd get off at 6 in the morning. And that's a cool job. Oh, it was, it was cool. You know, you had to make upwards 300. It depended on a what airbag you were making and then what line you were on. But I was making the same part 300 times a night. But it was good, it was fun. Met a lot of really cool people. But I had a really shitty car at the time and it died all the time. And so that morning I had to stay a little late. And so when I went out to start my car, everybody else was gone, the graveyard shift. And all the day shift people were inside. So I couldn't find anybody to jump start my car. So I was texting Easton all about it and I was like, I can't, I can't get home. What do I do? I lived up in North Ogden at the time. It's about 20, 30 minute drive from where I worked. And I called my parents too right after I texted Easton and they were like, okay, we're on our way. We'll be there 20, 30 minutes. Easton texted me like right before they got there. Let me run to my dad's, get my jumper cables. I'm on my way. I look like shit. I just got off of a graveyard shift. I had a cold slice of pizza for dinner before I walked in. I feel like crap, like, this is not the time.
- [02:14]
B
So why couldn't you get him to meet up with you prior to that?
- [02:16]
A
He was just so busy all the time and I don't know if he was scared. I have no idea because he would send me Snapchats of like going fishing with his friends and I'm like, so me then like, I don't get to go fishing. I like fishing. So I don't really know. I. And he did just get out of a long term relationship. And I have met her and her son. Beautiful people. They are great. Beautiful family. Her parents were just so kind and loving. Absolutely loved Easton. And I mean, it was hard not to, you know, So I don't know if he just wasn't looking for anything, because I do know that one of his friends set up the Tinder for him because he was like, you just need. I think he just wanted him to get laid. I don't know what it was. And honestly, that's all I was there for. I didn't want anything serious, but I was just drawn in and I was just focused.
- [03:12]
B
So it was about a year and a half of.
- [03:13]
A
Just a year and a half talking. Yeah.
- [03:15]
B
And then the first hangout was. Or the first meetup is him helping your car.
- [03:20]
A
Yeah, he. So my parents showed up and I was like, no, get. Like, get the out of here. Easton's on his way and, like, I'm finally gonna meet him. Go away. So my dad, being the smart ass he is, found a spot, right, like, kitty corner and across from my car, and he parks there because he's heard about Easton for the last year and a half. And I'm his only daughter. I'm the middle child, so I'm very. I shouldn't say the favorite, but if it fits. Eventually they left and Easton pulled up in his lifted white Chevy and he literally had to, like, jump out of it. And he closes his door, he says hello. And my first thought is, he's short. Like, I was so sad about it, but we hugged. And the only words I could get out of my mouth were you, because this is the moment we're gonna meet. Rude, but thanks for your help. And so after that, after work, I would go over to the apartment that he lived at. It was five minutes from work, and I would sleep at his house while he went to his job. And then he'd come home and I'd go home, shower, do whatever. And it went like. It went on like that for a good minute. And then I don't remember when, like, exactly, but about three months into the relationship, we never even really called it official. We just never really left each other's side. We just kind of decided the Fourth of July would be our anniversary because I think that was our first, like, official date. So we just called it. Then he had to go on a work trip out to Las Vegas for SEMA to sell these cables to all these truck guys. And he asked me to stay at the house. He got a babysitter for our dog, Moab. And so it was just me in the apartment. My girlfriend Mackenzie came down from Milad. And we're just sitting there having some wine. Life is good. Everything's good. And I'm like, we should go up to my mom's and get my shit. She was like, what? And I'm like, I should move in. And she was like, all right, let's do it. So we went. We got my shit, we brought it back. And I Snapchatted him. And he was like, did you just move into my house? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, all right, I'll see you when I get home on Monday. And I was like, wow. We went for it and everything was fine. Like, he came home and life was good and we just did all these things for about four years. Anything that anyone in a regular relationship would do. He took me on my first trip to Arizona. We went to Arizona and we flew. It was my very first flight. And we went with our best friends, Trent and Alexis. It was great. It was so much fun. It was. My family didn't travel a whole lot, so just something new and something to experience was really cool. Especially being alongside Easton in 21. He took me to. Well, technically his father took us to the Virgin Islands. It was supposed to be Hawaii and. But Covid just completely screwed it up. They kept opening it and then, nope, no one can come in. So we were like, let's just go to the Virgin Islands. Like, it's still cool and I've never seen the ocean before. Well, technically I have, but I was so young, I don't remember it. And I'm pretty sure my mom accidentally did it at a nude beach, so I doubt I was there for long. And so it was just an amazing experience. And I really thought that's where I was going to get proposed to. It wasn't, and that's okay. Our first trip together that we ever took was camping up in the Upper Uenas in. Isn't the Uenahs in Utah? I'm pretty sure, but it was like a three hour drive. Moab was whining the whole time. We've known each other for maybe two weeks and I'm like, yeah, let's go camping with this guy. I'm asking to get murdered. Like meeting people on the Internet and going camping with them. And that's. That was our thing. We would go camping every year and it was usually up to The Uintas, until we started going with his mom and stepdad. He did not talk to his mom for years. His mom and dad got a divorce back when he was still in his teens, 15, 16, if I'm remembering correctly. And his two older brothers were old enough that they didn't really have to deal with it too much. It. I mean, of course it affected them, but not in the way that it affected the minor that had to switch between mom and dad. Mom's mad at dad. Dad hates mom, you know, and they're just at each other's throats, and they can't just come together for the sake of the youngest and pretend like it's okay for the youngest and it's shitty. But that's how divorce usually happens. And just things happened in between. Eason had a childhood dog, Chewy, who passed away right after Eason left for his mom's. And he really didn't want to go because he knew that Chewy was not doing well. And, you know, he had to go. It was his mom's day. And Chewy ended up passing. And Ethan just could not recover. He just couldn't. And so he didn't talk to his mom for years. And there's probably more underlying things that we never talked about. And because talking about family issues is hard sometimes, and especially because talking shit on your family isn't really the thing all your family wants, but, you know, it's. It is what it is. So we made a bet because she would send packages all the time. You know, merry Christmas. Here's your presents. Hey, here's a box of. I don't remember what it was called, but it was a meat company. And they would send us, like, monthly meat boxes of meat. And it was really, really good stuff and super expensive. And so I was like, why do you not talk to this woman? Like, she obviously loves you. These are cries for, like, I love you. Please pay attention to me. And so one day, he. She would text him every once in a while, like, hey, I'm thinking of you. Love you. He would never respond. Every once in a while, I think he would respond. But one day I was like, if your mom texts you about Christmas, can we go up? Like, can we agree so I can go meet your mom? I don't want to meet your mom at our wedding one day. And he was like, you know what? I haven't heard from her for a while, so maybe she's taking a break, giving me some space. So, yeah, I'll take that offer. Two days later, she's like, you guys want to come up for Christmas? And he was like, fine, but we only have a few minutes. 10, 15 max. I think we spent two to three hours there that day. And his mom, Jan, and then stepfather Mick were just so excited, and they were so sweet. And I remember Mom. I just call her Mom. Anyone? Open arms, you know, you don't treat her shitty, she won't treat you shitty. And even I did. I did. And we'll get into it. And she still only just showed love. She wanted the best for me, but with what I was going through, I was a dick. I. So, yeah, we started going camping with them. We would go up through Logan Canyon, and it was absolutely beautiful. A lot less hot than the Uintas. And it was great. All of our dogs would play, and we had all this time together, and it was just a lot of laughter. We love to play cards against humanity. Mick doesn't. Old people. And they think they're so good. Sorry, Mick, I love you, but they're just such silly, silly, silly things. And it was just our life for three, four years, and we just hung out and everything was great. And out of nowhere, like, towards the end, I've never wanted kids. The thought of being pregnant, I was like, oh, no. The thought of people having to see that, like, my biggest fear is, like, what if I poop on the table? And I didn't. I guess. So, congratulations. Me. But out of nowhere, I was like, telling Easton, I, I want a child. I feel like I need a child. I feel incomplete. And it was so out of character for me. Any of my friends could be like, yeah, no. Every time we talked about kids, it was.
- [11:48]
B
I also think, though, when you find the right person, that feeling changes because of how you feel about them.
- [11:55]
A
Yeah.
- [11:56]
B
You know, like, naturally, I think those thoughts start coming in, you know?
- [12:01]
A
Yeah, well. And Easton was right in the middle of trying. He was always, always trying to get up on base. It is our military base, and you can go in as a civilian and do whatever you need to do. I don't think I'm allowed to say what he did, so we just won't even get into it. But he worked on base, and he. At the time, he wasn't. He was trying to get on, and he. He succeeded. He did it. After seven years of trying, he finally did it. And I was so proud of him. I was so excited when I got that phone call. And so once I'm like, I want to get pregnant. I want to be pregnant. He's like, well, if I get this job on base. I have three months paternity leave. I'll be making enough money, yada, yada, yada, like, okay, I'll fucking humor you. We'll have a baby. And I think we tried for about three months. And every time, I was just like, ugh, why is it not happening? Like, I need it to happen. And so Christmas came running around the corner. 20, 23. We were going up to his mom's for Christmas Eve. Everything seemed fine, everything was good, and nothing felt suspicious up until we got there. And I went into the bathroom, and then when I came out, Mick was like, yo, you and I are gonna go get refills. Mick and I are addicted to our sodas. He loves Coke and Reese's. I have my Dr. Pepper or my Red Bull, whatever it is. So he's like, let's go get our refills. I don't know why he. He was playing dumb. He's like, I don't know. Mom said, well, Easton, excuse me, that it was for Mick, that they were gonna go get something for his side by side as, like, a surprise. And I was like, okay, cool. I'll go hang out with Mick. I'll go get a refill. I would love a Dr. Pepper. And what actually happened was Easton and his mom went over to Fred Meyers, and they sat down and they picked a ring, and they came home, and I asked Easton. I was so oblivious. I was like, how did it go? What did you get him? Easton had answers for every question I asked. Like, this was super thought out on his part. And then things started to feel really weird, but I didn't think anything of it. I wasn't feeling good at the time. I felt like absolute trash. I was super bloated. My face was getting red all the time, and I was breaking out super bad. And so I just looked like crap. And I'm like, screw it. It's just Christmas Eve. Who cares? No pictures allowed. Jokes on me, Jan. She was like, we have to get pictures with you guys by the tree. Like, come over to the tree. Come over to the tree. And I was like, ugh, God, Jan, I look like. No. And so I'm standing. What side was he st on? I believe he was on this side. And they're taking pictures. And her dog Tippy came running up. You know, she wanted to say hi. And so I went over. I turned around. I'm saying hi to her. As Easton's sitting behind me on one knee. I'm none the wiser. I'm focused on this dog. And I turn around and Eason's asking me to marry him. And I was like, oh, what the fuck? Like today. Really? I haven't washed my hair and I don't know how long. My nails are frickin trashed and I'm bloated and basically wearing pajamas. I wasn't, but I just looked trashed. And of course I said yes. I've been asking for this probably since the first year we've met. And he picked a beautiful ring. He did great. The only rule I gave him was no teardrop. I love the shape, just not on me. I feel like they get caught on everything. And he did. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Went way over budget, so whatever. I guess I'm spoiled, but. So we were set out to be married sometime in October and we were like, okay, great, cool. Let's start wedding planning. I want to make it easy. And you know how every woman is. My wedding is going to be my way. This is about me. No. Any decision I made, someone had something to say about it. And I'm not good. A, with confrontation and B, standing up for myself. I am now, but a little. But I just went with it, you know, I was like, okay, cool. What's gonna make you happy about my wedding? Like, what else do you want? Not long after Eason proposed, I went to find a wedding dress. And just because who doesn't like, that's your princess moment. So I took Jan, my sister in law, Bella, Jenny, and then my mom. I can't remember if there was someone else if I'm forgetting you. Sorry, my bad. And we went to David's bridal. And I really wish I would have been a little bit more picky about my dress, but I think I was nervous about the. The time requirement that they give you, which I think is so dumb. When you're looking for wedding dresses, you need time for that.
- [17:08]
B
How much time did they give you?
- [17:09]
A
An hour. Yeah, that's for the first appointment. Yeah. And I'm like, do you realize how much it takes to get into these things? And then to walk around and then. So I did end up finding my dress. I still love it. It's beautiful. Not what I want now. And I'm definitely going to be more picky next time. It was February 22nd, I was quite a few days late for my period. And I was like, something's not right. And Easton's like, no, wait until Tuesday. And then you can panic. What the significance of Tuesday was. No fucking clue. But I was supposed to wait till Tuesday. And I was like, no, that's not how women work. Nope, not happening. So I went and got a pregnancy test. And I was like, I know it's super late at night, best time to do it is in the morning. But I'm going to humor myself. We flip it upside down on the counter and I start panic cleaning for five minutes. And Ethan's just standing there just staring at it. He can't see it, it's upside down. So I don't know if he's like telepathically trying to figure it out. And five minutes is up. And he counted. He was like, okay, it's done. We can, we can go in or like we can look at it. And I was like, okay, we flip it and there's a faint line. And I was like, oh. And he was like, no, it's negative. I'm like, no, it doesn't matter how bright it is. If it's there, you're pregnant. And so first thing I do is I call my mom. I FaceTime my mom. And I'm like, mom, what does this look like? And she was like, it looks like I'm going to be a grandma. And I'm instantly like, oh, fuck, it worked. This is an awful time. This is an awful time. Like, I love my child. I love her to death, but she could have waited. I guess she couldn't have. But so I got pregnant and we just kind of went on in. March was my birthday. First week in March. My second week in March is my birthday. So we went to the aquarium down in. I think it's Murray, big old aquarium that we have in Utah. And we just went walking around. I thought I had the cutest little baby bump. No, Brie, you were just bloated. That's. No, not even close. You're about to be in a world full of hurt after you figure it out. And everyone was so excited. We were buying things here and there before we even knew the gender. You know, every week when we went grocery shopping, we'd pick out one thing for the baby and a box of diapers. But we got the bigger sizes, 4, 5, 6, whatever. Because when you have your baby shower, everyone does newborn to three. And so we were like, we're going to cover bases with other boxes. And we were just preparing for this baby. We were living in a one bedroom apartment. So we were like, do we move? Do we just let her sleep in the bed with us? Do we put a crib in the, in the friggin living room? Like, what do we do? And I was really nervous about it. And Nissan's like, I'll get it figured out. It was always, I'll figure it out, not we. There was no extra needed stress on me ever with that guy. So we just kind of kept going on. We were going to our appointments. I heard her heartbeat for the first time and I just, like started bawling. I was like, oh, my God, it's real. Because when you get the positive test, it's like, okay, cool, Pregnant. But once you hear it and you can see the tiny little bean, it's like, like, oh, my goodness. Like, this is real. And I was like, oh, God, I'm going to get huge. And I did. I got absolutely huge at my 20 week appointment. Nope, let's back up. At my 15 week appointment, we went to the doctor for just a regular checkup. And it wasn't my regular doctor that day. And so I was really hoping that she'd be like, you want to see the gender? You want to know? Because my doctor wasn't going to tell me until 20 weeks. And so when we went in, she was like, do you know the gender? And I was like, no. Are you going to look? Can you look? And she was like, well, we'll check it out. Sometimes it's hit or miss. That's why we prefer the 20 week mark. But we'll check it out. The umbilical cord was in the way and she was like, I'm not really seeing anything floating around it to indicate that it's a boy. And fucking Easton standing up behind me, he's like, well, mine won't even show around an umbilical cord. So. And I was like, God damn it, Easton, this is our doctor. What are. What are you doing? I'm mortified. And so, yeah, I didn't get to find out the gender that day, but at my 20 week, I was allowed a couple people in. So I had Easton, my mom, and then his mom, and it was, oh, my God, they were boobing like a couple of babies. Both the moms, they're just sitting there with their tissues as we're like checking. She's got all her arms, she's got her legs, all 10 fingers and toes, and they're just like hysterically sobbing over in the corner. Easton's holding my hand. He doesn't show emotion too much, but the way that he was holding my hand told me that he was very excited, but obviously nervous. I was 24, he was 26. We are a little young, but it's not uncommon in Utah.
- [22:32]
B
Hi, Gu. Today's episode is sponsored by Jasper. Okay, so I just moved into a new house and if any of you have moved before, then I am sure you can relate to all the new fumes, the smells, whether it's new paint, new furniture, chemical fumes. If you're moving into an older house, maybe it's some dusty air vents. Overall, we just don't know what we're breathing in. And that's why I decided to get Jasper. And let me just tell you, I am literally obsessed. And this is not just some cute air purifier that I got for my house. This is a medical grade air scrubber, which means it is not just filtering the air, it is actually scrubbing it clean. So anything like smoke, mold, spores, VOCs, chemical fumes, all gone. It is scrubbing it clean and now we can breathe some fresh air. And as you guys have seen, and I talk about them literally all the time. I have many animals in my home, so it actually makes me feel a lot more comfortable and safer knowing that the air I'm breathing in is clean and safe for not only me, but also my amazing fur babies. So that being said, if you want to try Jasper, they actually gave me a code for $300 off. All you have to do is use code. Insane. Asperco that is insane. I n S A N E at Jasper J A S P R dot co for $300 off. And I promise you, you will not regret it. Your air will be scrubbed clean, fresh, filtered, and you will feel a lot more safer and comfortable in your environment too. And now back to the episode.
- [24:05]
A
You know, most kids, and I shouldn't even say kids, but most people in Utah are having kids at 20, 21. You know, we, we do it very young out there. And so it was, it was extremely terrifying. But I knew that we had our family to help us, you know? Yeah, yeah, they've done this before. They've had the kids. They, they know what they're doing, essentially. I mean, for the most part we can see how I turned out. So maybe my parents are a little questionable on if they knew what they were doing. Sorry, mom, but we were, we were okay. We were very excited and we just kind of kept going on and Easton started his job on base. I think he was there about five months at the time. And then one day I was like, what are we doing? You're working on base. We need to get married so I can have government insurance. I had great insurance, but he had better. And so I was like, let's just go have a quick wedding at the courthouse. We'll go up to Brigham where my brother and sister in law got married. We'll have a quick wedding and call it a day. It was only supposed to be immediate family, parents, siblings. That's not how it ended up happening. You know, my grandma and grandpa wanted to come, of course, and I'm glad that they did because of what happened. And if I would have known that this is what would have happened, I would have invited absolutely everybody. But we were going to move our actual wedding out to January 20th so I could have the baby. She could be a few months old. We could put her in a cute little dress and whatever. So we had this whole thing planned out. So on May 26, we went up to Brigham and started filling out the paperwork and doing all the things. Everyone is there. We're all looking pretty cute. I'm looking really pregnant and uncomfortable. I was 5 months pregnant at the time. And, you know, we stand there and we're getting married and we're taking pictures. And one of the big things that is standing out to me is the. There was like food trucks outside and there was like a cute little farmer's market, I guess we could call it, going on. And we found some really cute things. And it was just, it was so good. And I don't know if you guys have it out here, but it's called zeppies. It's Italian ice. And then they put an ice cream custard. It's basically crack to anyone that loves sugar. And I was so excited because I'm a sugar addict. And I was like, the second we get done getting married, I'm gonna go get it. That's what I want. And if there's anything I'm good at doing, it's dumping food down the front of me. I get so excited about some foods.
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B
You can't get it in your mouth quick enough.
- [27:00]
A
Yes, yes. It was so exciting.
- [27:02]
B
You gotta wear it and eat it.
- [27:03]
A
Yes. Like, remember, like, oh, I had that snack earlier today. And so we got, we went in and we got married. And I have this picture, I have quite a few pictures, but one of them, it looks like we're about to fist fight. It looks like we are in a ring and we are going to just go at it. UFC's on their way with their cameras to watch this happen. And then I have this other picture after, you know, we were married. We're now husband and wife. And I'm like looking out at all my family and he's Looking at me with just like, oh, my God. I. I can't even explain his eyes. And it makes me cry wanting to think about it because he just looks so content and I guess excited for the future, I guess we could say. And we went outside. I got my zappies. We went to a steakhouse out there in Utah. It's. It's nice. It's really cool. You sit under these little covered wagons. It's just like, they have sand in the middle with, like, fake cactus and whatever. And we're all sitting there. It's. I have my two brothers, my oldest brother's wife, Bella. We have my parents. I don't think my grandparents went because they had quite a long drive back home. And so. Okay, so I guess I have to back up Easton's dad, Roger, and Jenny, his stepmom, they were not able to make it. We did it over Memorial weekend. And being the courthouse, they're only open Monday through Friday. And so Monday was the holiday. And so if Roger missed Friday, they wouldn't have given him his holiday pay for Monday. And I remember when this conversation happened, I was at home cleaning, and Eason was in the back bedroom, and his dad's just like, asking, can't you change it? And at this point, I was so tired of having everyone say, well, that's not what I want for my wedding. Let's preface. And so I basically, when Easton. Sorry, Roger, I called him a cunt. I was so upset. I was like, no, I'm so tired of people telling me what they want for us. Like, at this point, no, this is about us. I want it on this Friday. This is what I've told everybody. This is the day I'm excited for. This is the day we're doing it. And so that's what we did. I would love to say I felt bad. I did it. This day was about me and Easton, and I was finally getting to marry my best friend. So it was my parents, mom and Mick, and then my siblings, Easton and I, you know, and the one thing, the only thing that sticks out to me was my younger brother, Jake. Jake and I are really morbid. We say out of pocket things all the time, like super left field. And do you know how when you take your straw out and you leave the paper on and you can blow it across to someone? Jake went to do that, and the paper just bent in half. And he looked so defeated, and he just looks down and he's like, this is going on the note. And all of us kids just lost it. We were dying. We thought it was so funny. I mean, it's so morbid. But, oh, my hell. It had us all laughing so hard. And all the parents are like, what is happening over there? We were having a great time. Bella and Jake stole. They don't call them forks. They call them 3Ks because there's only 3 prongs for the. The lobster and whatever. They both stole one for us for as a wedding present. Little kleptos. And we went home. No, we didn't even make it to home. We were in the car, and I was opening up all the cards that the people had given us for our wedding day. And Jan and Mick were so generous to give us $200. And so I was like, cool. We each have $100 each. I'll put mine into groceries or something. And E's like, you want to go to the fishing store? And I was like, fuck, yes, I do. So we went over to our local fishing store, and we picked out $100 worth of lures. And next day, what we called our honeymoon, we went fishing and we went out to Willard Bay. We took my dad, Happy anniversary here's or Happy honeymoon here's my father and Easton had bought me a $12 lure. It's a deep sea diver. And my dad got it caught in the rocks, and he couldn't save it, and I lost it. And Easton's like, you owe me $12. Like, that was a good one. I don't know how to use a deep sea. I don't know why that's the one I chose, but I still have it. He bought me a new one, and I have it. And after that, we were just going fishing all the time. Every day that week, we would go out to Manaway. I was catching bass left and right. We had a fish counter. And at the end of the fishing season, until, you know, it got into the ice fishing part, I don't know. I don't think we ever decided what the winner got of who caught the most fish. But I, like, super won. And so I think it was May. So we got married May 26th, 27th, we went out with my dad to go fishing. The 28th, we went to Manaway. Same with 29th. But on the 29th, we took some pontoon boats. I'm five months pregnant. That was miserable. Absolutely miserable for me. But I had so much fun. And Easton had not caught a single fish this whole season. And he's like, what am I doing wrong? And I'm like, I don't know. But it's not my problem. I'm catching my fish. And finally, I'm like, crazy far away from him. I have the weight to weigh your fish. And he's like screaming. He's like, oh, my God, I finally got one. I got one. I got one. And she was big, and she was getting ready to spawn. She had the red line down her, and we just thought it was so cool. And of course, the weighing thing didn't work, but she was big, huge, a lot bigger than the ones that I was catching. So in my eyes, I think he won. It was his first and only fish that whole season. And then the 29th, he went to work and everything was as per usual. At this point, I really hated my job. I was miserable and loved the most the people and. But hated just same thing every day, same. I was just tired and I. I couldn't do it anymore. So I was on FMLA for being pregnant, and I would use that to my advantage. And everybody at work hearing this is like, yeah, you did. And it's like, well, guys shouldn't have sucked, and I wouldn't have not shown up. And everything was just like, as per usual. I don't really remember all what happened that day. But then May 30, we went and again just did regular things. We loved to go on walks. We had just bought our dog, Moab, some shoes so that he could not burn his little toes. And it was so funny. I still have a video of him that day. And Easton had his cigar. He loved cigars and whiskey. Whiskey, like that was his thing. And he had a specific cigar, three of them. He called them his baby cigars. When I had the baby, he was going to give them to two people and they were going to smoke them together to celebrate the baby. So that night we went on a walk. He always let me pick the cigar. He's like, either pick from these two racks or from this handful or whatever it may be, and, you know, and then he would rate it after, let me know how my pick was. And it was always so much fun. And we took Moab and it was good. Everything seemed fine. But thinking back on it now, you can. You could feel just some kind of darkness around the whole. Everything just felt kind of like I just thought we were burnt out, we're tired. We've been doing a lot this last week between getting married and fishing and I'm pregnant, you know, it was just weird. But, you know, we went on our walk and he had a cigar. And that night he was like, came over to give me a kiss good night. And I was like, wait, did you brush your teeth? I was throwing up my entire pregnancy. I didn't want to barf. I was like, I'm not giving you a kiss until you brush your teeth. And he was like, what if I crash on my motorcycle and die tomorrow? And you went to bed not giving me a kiss? How would you feel? And I'm like, shitty. Go brush your fucking teeth. And so he did. I gave him a kiss good night and we went to bed and. Because I hate myself and it's not an actual sob story if I don't make someone cry. His oldest brother, Mitch, wrote his eulogy. I could not have asked for a better eulogy. So as short and to the point as possible, because he doesn't like to be the center of attention and didn't have time for this shit. Written by Mitch. Quote, how lucky am I for having something that makes saying goodbye so hard? Winnie the Pooh. There are no words that can do justice to the life and legacy of Easton, but here it goes. Oh, my God, I'm already crying.
- [36:40]
B
It's okay.
- [36:41]
A
Our last name are no stranger to tribulation and tragedy. But this one hurts a little more, leaves a cut a little deeper, and comes with a greater level of pain that I have ever experienced. How does the void get filled? They say that time heals all wounds, but there will be scars that remain as a reminder of the legacy left and the memories made. We've lost the person that constantly gave whatever we asked of him and never asked for anything in return. The guy who would give you the vans off his feet or the flannel off of his back. Just don't ask if you can borrow his truck, because you can't. No one, no one was allowed to drive that truck. I was never behind the wheel. Ever. However, that would be permissible if it was for him to show up with his pride and joy of a truck, help you move, use his gas and leave without accepting payment of any kind. And every moment would be filled with smiles and his giggly little laugh. Eason was born on October 9, 1996, as the youngest of three boys. From the beginning, it was evident that he could be someone you could rely on. With his almost can't say no to a person in need mentality, he had an innate ability to make friends out of strangers and provide value to anyone he came in contact with. Passionate about life and his many endeavors, and compassion towards his loved ones, needs, wants and desires. If he could help turn your dreams into reality. He'd make sure of it. Growing up, Logan and I would give him a hard time about the size of his noggin, but it was the size of his heart that everyone around him would discover and come to love and appreciate. His love was abundant, but he didn't have to say that four letter word for you to feel it. Plus he preferred several other four letter words, probably accompanied by the middle finger, a special sign that he cared. Easton did not let things bother him. He found the good in people and in every situation. Perhaps this goes back to him adopting Stoney as his household name while he was still young. This was later amplified after we were able to get him to a few reggae concerts, namely Tribal Seeds and the Dirty Heads between him, always in rasta colors, the reggae music and overall chill demeanor. It brought up some questions about how he was using his free time, if you catch my drift. But the reality of it was that just who Easton was never bothered and always up for a good time, never wanting to place a burden on others. He would be the first to volunteer to sleep on the couch or a patio lawn chair in Hawaii. He was always a lover of the outdoors, so it came as no surprise when he picked up rock climbing as a new hobby. As his confidence grew through the many hours spent on the rock faces found up 7th and 27th street of Ogden and a crucial contributor to the success of extreme climbing walls, he knew it was time for a new challenge climbing the red rocks of Moab. Easton loved Moab so much that when he brought home that chocolate lab that he was told he could not have, he named this big clumsy companion Moab. The two would remain inseparable and could be found hiking or climbing, riding around in his truck, or causing a ruckus around friends, family and campfires. I'm happy to say he still does that. Moab is wild. Throughout his life, Easton had a number of other hobbies. As the hard working mfer that he was that were usually physically demanding and required a whole new set of skills didn't matter. Easton was a student of life. Any new interest that piqued his curiosity would require that he completely immerse himself in learning everything there was to know and perfecting the task at hand, never cutting corners. From his earlier hobbies of lacrosse and hockey to the more recent fascinations with archery, smoking meats and building bikes, Easton went all in and the fun followed. There was always unprovoked pictures of ribs on the smoker or his latest upgraded gadget which triggered conversation. Perhaps he sent that same pic to ten different people, but the individual conversations always made you feel like it was only for you. Joy and laughter were always present around Easton. Much of the time it was because his unique sense of humorous, a dark sense of humor, but he had just a tendency to bring out the comedy in life. Case in point, an arrow ended up in the ceiling of Cabela's the day he bought his bow. It wasn't Easton who accidentally shot it up there, it was dad but will forever be a cherished memory, an example of how much fun accompanied him everywhere he went. It would be remiss of me for failing to mention how incredible he was as a Funkle and Easton was loved and adored by his nieces and nephews due to his fun, loving and adventurous personality. Uncle's rough house and there is no force on earth that could have prevented him from one of the best tickle torturers even ordering a beer at dinner and them thinking it was hilarious because he was drinking potty water and playfully assuring them that they wouldn't like it. Motorcycle riding and bilk biting became a piece of Easton's personality. To call it a passion might be an understatement. Some of his proudest moments as the result of a completed bike projects Projects that included helping build and paint his lifelong buddy Taylor's bike with coarse banquet blue and gold chopper flames as well as literally rebuilding his bobber from the ground up after finding it for sale online and in a million pieces. Piece by piece it came together as parts were assembled and updated. The fender and tank were given special attention and care with almost a Michael Jackson shimmery glove inspired paint job with metal flakes that would blind you in the sun if you didn't hear the bobber coming from a half mile away first. There are countless traits and memories, numerous treasured moments with Trent Cage, Austin, the Taylors and his enumerable friends, but the most precious time was able to spend with him during the move to North Carolina. This was yet another example of his willingness to sacrifice his time and energy to serve the people he loved. He had already been there as the first to show up and the last to leave in moving everything out of my house. Now it was time to hit the road for a 2000 plus mile drive to the south. It was a Wednesday. We both already put in a full day of work but were scheduled to depart just after 5pm we loaded the Jeep Grand Cherokee with the remaining items to transport the bird and the two dogs and hit the road. What could have been a relatively uneventful 28 plus hour trip in the car turned into everlasting memories of sneaking animals into hotel rooms, getting caffeinated to the max for 18 hours straight of driving and lengthy conversations about life, love and our wildest dreams. I'll be forever grateful that I was able to share these and so many other memorable moments with him. They will not soon be forgotten. This eulogy would not be complete without including the pinnacle of Easton's accomplishments. Beginning his own family. Oh God, there it goes. Just a few days before his life was cut short. Oh no.
- [44:29]
B
Take your time.
- [44:30]
A
Just a few days before his life was cut short, Eastwood was able to marry his longtime love, his beautiful Bride Bri on May 26, 2023. He was so excited to become a husband and could not wait to become a father. With baby girl Bry Lynn on the way, he was actively involved in baby checkups, ultrasounds, and in the throes of preparing to welcome his little princess. Thinking ahead, he had already planned on taking her to her first Dirty Heads concert in the summer sun with little baby earmuffs and all. All of the titles and accolades Easton had in his life. Being a dad is what he was most proud of. One of his last selfless acts on earth. He made sure to leave us his lasting legacy in the form of his daughter, Easton. Hold your baby girl in heaven tight until it's time to send her down for us to raise and enjoy. We'll take good care of her. Promise I won't read the rest because it's a lot of names but they everyone does take very good care of her and I do have a massive army. It's not near as big as it was right after the accident. It was just massive, but we can get into that. So now knowing the kind of nerd the guy was. May 31, it was a Wednesday I believe, and he woke me up. He had to get on base fairly early. I think he had to be there at 5:30, but every morning he would wake up, come over, give me a kiss goodbye. And it was same as always, you know, he was like, I'm leaving, I'm taking my bike, I'll text you when I get there. He always let me know, I'm taking my bike or I'm taking my truck. He had a red, a red motorcycle that Mick had given him. He wasn't using it and Eason was thinking about buying another one and we didn't want that debt behind us and so he was like, well I have my bobber, so I mean it'll Be fine, like, whatever. And Mick was like, well, take this one. And Mick would not accept any payment. You know, and that's just the kind of people they are. They want what's best for you. They're okay, they're good. They don't need it. But they know Easton wanted the bike, so no payment. Just come have dinner with us. So he took that one this. That morning, and I asked him. I was like, are you sure you wanna. You wanna take your bike? It's supposed to rain, but in Utah, you know, it could say, sunny, 85 degrees, it's snowing in the afternoon. You never know. And so he's like, it won't. It'll be fine. I'm not too worried. I'm like, okay, whatever. I'm not coming to pick you up because it's raining, but, okay. And. Oh, it's just such a huge pain. Anyway, as I was saying that to him, he was giving our dog Moab some loves. Moab would move into his Easton spot because it was warm. It was still molded to his body. So when Easton's alarm went off and he got up, Moab moved over. And so as he was going to leave and I was asking him if he was sure he wanted to take his bike, he was petting Mo. And he's like, I'll be fine. It's okay. He gave Mo a kiss on the head, petted kitty on the way out, wherever the hell he was, and left. He would text me when he made it to work. It was usually at about 4:30 or 4:40 about every time. And so I had to get up and start getting ready for work. And I was getting ready for work that day, surprisingly. And I just wasn't getting texts. I was like, I still. There's still no text. So I'm texting him, and I'm like, did you make it okay? And nothing. Silence. And I'm, you know, sitting in the bathroom throwing my hair up in a ponytail, and I'm, like, trying not to panic. And I'm like, it's okay. He just. He walked in. You are not allowed to have your phone anywhere on the working phone floor because it's all military, you know, we're not supposed to know what's happening in there. They're very secret. And so I'm like, he was just running late. Something happened, and he wasn't able to make it on time. Like, okay, he just had to run in. It's fine. But I didn't like that. So I continued to text him, and I was like hello, anything? And then I drove to work. I had to be to work before 6:30. And I was sitting in the parking lot watching TikToks, trying to get my mind off of why the is he not calling me? And I sent him one more text and I said, quote, if that bike didn't take you out, I'm gonna. If you don't, let me know you're okay. And silence. Maybe two minutes later my. I'm getting a phone call. And the caller ID says McKatie, which is our local hospital. And the woman on the other line, because I knew they weren't calling about my daughter. It's fucking 5:30 in the morning. What do they want with my fetus? You know? And so I knew something was wrong. I answered and I was like, hello? And. But I was a lot more nervous than I was. And she was like, who am I speaking to? And the tone in her voice told me everything I needed to know. And I was like, where is he? And she's like, I need to know who I'm speaking to. And I'm like, I'm his wife. Where the fuck is he? She was like, obviously, Bri. Fucking dumbass. It said McKatie on your phone. He's at McKatie. But when you are getting that phone call, that's not something you think about. And so she was like, we have Easton up here at the hospital and we need you to get here. And I was like, is he okay? And she was like, you need to find a ride. I don't want you driving. So I was like, okay, bye. Hang up. I get out of my car and I look for the first car with headlights, which is directly behind me. And I run up to it and I said, I need a ride to the hospital. Thank God. I knew him. He worked on a line similar to mine. We were kind of in the same cell area, so I knew of him. And he was like, I'm from California, I don't know where it is. I'm like, I'll fucking tell you. Just go. You know, let me call our boss and let him know what's going on and it'll be fine. It'll be fine. Just take me up to the hospital. I didn't give a shit. You know, he's giving me the phone to call our boss. I don't know why I didn't just use mine. And a thing that I vividly remember, I'm like, why can't I hear it? And I'm like, how do I turn the volume Up. Like, how do I do it? I couldn't remember how to work a cell phone. I was just so discombobbled. And, you know, I'm taking him up, or he's taking me up, we're going up and I'm kind of directing him. And as I'm doing that, I'm calling people. First person I call is Trent. Trent is his best friend. They've been friends for years. And he worked on base with him. He was kind of one of his higher ups. So I call him. My exact words, he's not an asshole. He. He was on his way to work. He's been in an accident. I'm on my way up to the hospital. And he was like, do I need to be there? And I'm like, yeah, I think so. I had no idea that Ethan was dead yet. No idea. Had my suspicions, of course. And the guy that was taking me up to the hospital told me, like, no, don't think like that. It's okay. He's going to be all right. It's going to be okay. And I'm making jokes on my way up because I don't know how else to handle trauma other than make an inappropriate joke. And I call. I'm calling his mom and I can't get a hold of her. She also works fairly early, and mom loves to look beautiful and that takes time. And she probably didn't have her phone in the bathroom. Mom doesn't like being awake that early in the morning. She hates it. If you could let her sleep until 11 o', clock, she would. And so I couldn't get a hold of her, so I called Mom Mick, and I told him what was going on. I'm unsure of where he was, but, you know, he's like, oh, shit. Okay, I'll go get Mom. We'll start heading down. Then at that point, I was up at the hospital and I run into the ER and the cute little gal sitting at the desk, I was like, easton? Where? Easton? Just, where's Easton? You know? And she's like, oh, okay, let me. Let me bring you in over here. Very un rushed, just very calm. And I'm still just like in this zone of panic. And so I didn't even realize her demeanor was kind of a downer. And she puts me in this little room and I sit up against the wall and the doors over here. And I'm sitting there in this room all by myself, pregnant, tired, feeling like shit, super, super nervous. And this woman comes in. Not once did I look at her face. I know that she was blonde and she had an accent, but I could not look at her in the eyes. And she sits down next to me. It dawned on me, like, if he was alive, they would take me to see him. And so she sits down next to me, and I'm like, how do you do this? She's like, do what? And I'm like, you're gonna sit right here next to me, and you're gonna tell me that the man I just married four days ago is somewhere in this hospital, dead. And then you're gonna go home and hug your family and your kids a little bit tighter and not have a mental breakdown. Like, how do you hold this kind of demeanor when this is your job? And I was like, if I had to make a list of people who I thought were serial killers, you're top of the list. She's great. She's not a. She's not a murderer. She's not. And then at that moment, I also noticed the doctor that I assumed called the time of death was sitting across, probably in case I had any questions. And so I looked at. I didn't look at her. I was still just kind of looking at the ground. And so I was like, so we didn't make it? And she was like, no. And I yelled at her. I was like, you're fucking lying. And she was like, I wish I was. And she's like, is there somebody I can call for you? And so the first person I called him, I called my mom and dad. I called my mom, which is weird. Mom doesn't answer too often, especially at 6 o' clock in the morning. She answered, and you could tell she was worried because why is her daughter calling her this early? And I was like, mom, Esin's been in an accident. I'm up here at the hospital. Like, you have to get here. That's all I could say. And she was like, oh, all right. So they start heading their way. And then I needed to call Roger. And that one I couldn't do. I could not call Roger. So I hit his contact information, and I gave it to this beautiful blonde lady with an awesome accent. I said, here you go. Good luck. And she said her name. And she was like, I work up here. I'm the social worker up at McKaty. Your son Eason was in a motorcycle accident and he didn't make it. Roger was a big rig driver for ups. And he would drive past, through Moab, three hours past that way. I don't remember where he would end. And then he Would drop off, pick up, come back. And it was just that every day, just lots and lots of driving for him. And so he was pretty much in Moab when he got that phone call. And it had all of us nervous because you are in this thousand pound truck and now you have to turn it around. And we all know you being a dad, you're going to be speeding home, but like, you, you have to play it safe. And he did. He made it alive. He was good. And at this point, you know, she gets off the phone with Roger and she comes and sits down next to me. She's asking me about some of my tattoos that I have. And I'm just kind of giving her like, oh, I got this one here. And I got this one for that reason. And I got this one because I got bored, you know, just going through the whole thing. And my parents come in and my mom comes and she sits on my left side. And the social worker standing kind of right in front of me. And then my dad is right in front of her. And I remember my dad coming in and he has his can of Mountain Dew. My dad, it's either Red Bull or Mountain Dew. And it's always, always in his hand. And I remember I giggled and I was like, God, he's always gotta have it. And my mom, she's sitting down next to me and she's like, what is going on? And right after she says that, my dad. Oh, I can still hear the scream. He just screamed. He was like, no. And he fell to the floor. My dad has had so many surgeries and he's worked himself to death to provide for his family. Oh, fuck, Morgan. My dad has done everything he can for his family and worked himself to the bone to provide for us kids and his wife. And he did a great job. We are, I think we're pretty great kids. We're a little weird, but we're great. We're great. And he just fucking collapsed. And my mom, she's sitting next to me, she's like, what? What is happening? I'm like, mommy's dead. He didn't make it. And so they come and sit next to me and they're hugging me. And if there's anything I hate more in this world, it's hugs. I hate hugs. Don't touch me.
- [58:38]
B
I'm going to hug you before you leave.
- [58:41]
A
People, a lot of people, a lot of people do, and I've kind of learned to just, like, it's okay, be okay with it. Yeah. Because it's comforting to them. You know, and I can stand to be uncomfortable for 2, 3 seconds if it, you know, makes that person happy. Sometimes I am like, no, don't touch me. But it's very rare. And then all of a sudden, Easton's grandparents showed up and I was like, what the fuck? Where did you guys come from? They did not live far from McKaty at all. And so it took him no time to get there. But I was just confused. It's like, why are you here? Who told you it wildfire so quick? Roger. I didn't know it at the time, but when he panics, he tells everybody. And he told me that it was because he wanted to make sure I had people around me. I guess this is now a good time to preface whatever feelings I say or, like emotions or my thoughts. This is all in the moment. I. If I say I'm. I was angry about it, I'm not anymore. I don't give a fuck. I don't have time for that. I'm trying to keep my fingers kids or my kids fingers out of the socket. I don't care about what happened. You know, we're all alive and we're all okay. And I would love to say it brought us close, a lot of people closer to me and Bea, but it didn't. I guess I should also preface, I call my kid B. I was so tired of typing out her name, I just started putting B. And so I don't give a fuck. I don't want to hear any. I don't want to see any text of like, I didn't know you're still mad. I'm not. I don't give a shit. Anyway, Roger started calling everybody because he thought that I needed people to be there and just hold me up, you know, and that's not at all what I wanted. And I didn't know that's what I wanted until all these people started showing up and I was like, just go away, leave me alone. Like, my title has now gone from this really funny, bubbly person that Bri is, and she's just so open and is friends with anybody, is now a 24 year old pregnant widow. And that was so hard for me to grasp that other people have really cool identifiers, you know, like if someone's talking about you, they're like, oh, she has that really awesome podcast. Mine is now super lame and super depressing. And I'm like, I have so many cooler things about me that they could be using as a describer, but that's the main one. They're gonna go to. Because that's what everybody knows. So everybody started showing up. Well, not at this point. It was just my parents, Easton's grandparents, and then me. And they asked if we would like to go back and see him. And they were like, he still has the thing in his throat. He has a sheet over him because they had to cut off his clothes. So they're like, he's a little scary. And I'm like, I don't fucking care. Take me to him. They wouldn't let me walk. They brought me in a wheelchair because they just watched my father collapse. But they didn't think, give the old cripple guy a wheelchair, too. So, you know, they wheel us in. Every time I go into that er, I had to go into the ER for my daughter. And I still look at that room that he was in, and it's just like, it. It just shrinks me, you know, I feel like a fucking raisin that just gets so small. And they take us in, and they put me, like, right up alongside him. Easton's grandma is standing next to him and she's holding his hand. And she was like, oh, he's still warm. And I put my hand up kind of on his neck. And he had his hoodie, so I had to slide it under the hoodie. And I could feel that it was wet. And I knew that it was blood, but I didn't even care. And the way that I was sitting, his eyes were just very slightly, slightly opened. And I remember just staring at his pupils. And it was very glossed over. Everything was just like. You can't even really explain it. It's just not their eyes. And I'm just waiting for them to shoot open or, like, his eye to move or something. And he just continues to lay there, you know, not like he can really do anything. And I just got. Everyone got tuned out. And at this point, I learned about this, like, three or four months after the whole incident. I forgot about Trent. And Trent came into the room. I didn't notice. I had no idea. And he's sitting there and he was saying that he was confused. Like, where's all the lights? Where's the sounds? Where's the noises? The doctors, the nurses, where are they? And then I don't know if it was a nurse. Someone came in and they were like, the examiner's on his way. So, like, take as much time as you need up until they get here, because it's now an investigation. You have to take him. And at this point, I still don't know exactly what happened. You know, I. All I know is the man that I trusted the most and could tell anything to is now dead, and I have become an instant single mom. And so Trent came in, and he's super confused. And they came in and said, examiners on their way. That's when it dawned on Trent. Like, he's dead. I feel so bad, and I apologize so many times. And he's like, you had so much going on. How were you supposed to know that that's what was happening? And that I even walked in the room? He was so quiet. I had no idea. And so that broke my heart. I felt so bad that he walked in blind and had to find out like that. And so that was really shitty. And at. At some point, I don't. I don't think anyone else came in the room, but again, I was just so focused on Easton, and my mom is kind of standing next to me, and I'm like, I have to go upstairs. I have to check on this child. I have not felt her move all day. I don't feel nauseous, and that's not right for this pregnancy and me. And so, you know, she tells the nurse, hey, can we take her up to labor and delivery, do a stress test? And they were like, yep, let's get her up. Especially because I knew once the examiner came in and they brought out the black body bag, I was gonna fucking lose it. And I wouldn't let them take him. So I was like, just let me leave. Let them do their thing. So I don't. I'm not a hindrance and a giant inconvenience. And so they took me up. All these women are just so sweet, all kinds of. And, you know, they're like, okay, so what's going on? And this is the first time I now have to tell people, oh, my husband's downstairs dead, and I'm pregnant, and I just want to check on my kid. And again, the faces that people would make when you told them this. The color just drains. Their eyes would droop, their lips would pout. And it's just. I had a feeling that that was going to be my new norm, is the way that people looked at me. And she was fine. She was great, doing everything she needed to be doing. Got her foot up in my ribs and head on my bladder. She was great. Everything was good. They discharged me, took me down back downstairs. Well, I guess I have to back up. When they took me upstairs, I had my. My hands were covered in blood, but I Hid them in my lap so that my mom didn't have to see that, because no mom needs to see that after everything she's already seeing. And so I was like, oh, gotta pee. You know, very normal pregnant thing to do so I could hurry and wash the blood off. And I don't. I don't know if she knows that. If I did tell her at one point, but I just. I couldn't let her see that. I knew it would crush her. And we got discharged. Go back downstairs past the room that I was just told Easton was dead in. Full of family. Family means hugs. Don't touch me. But I just stood there. I don't even think I hugged most of them back. I just kind of stood there in defeat. And I was like, what the fuck do I do now? So first thing we did was take me to my car because I left it at work. And I went in because at this point, Wildfire Fast, she was getting told from her husband who works with Easton's aunt. You know, it's just this whole thing and. Oh, I don't think a whole lot of people at work knew quite yet until I went in. The kid that took me to the hospital was just kind of telling everybody, like, this is what happened to me this morning. And so, of course, the people that hurt are like, oh, I wonder what happened. So I go in and I go to my designated line that I was supposed to be working on, and I'm like, where's our boss? All these people knew that I left work early on Friday to go get ready to get married. And now I'm not showing up to work on Wednesday because something happened with Easton. And so a few of my co workers, they were like, what the fuck is going on? And I'm like, he's dead. Like, he. He died. So I came to get my car, tell our bosses that I'm not going to be in for a minute and to leave me alone. So I got my car, I found my boss, told him what was going on. They were so sweet, so kind. Take the time you need. Your job is here when you're ready. I eventually quit before I gave birth because I was like, I don't think I can come back. I worked for one and a half days a few weeks after the accident. I finished one whole day on Tuesday and then half a day on a Thursday. And then I was just out again. And I would continue to call fast, but I'm like, take me out whole week. I'm not coming in. And I go back home. And everybody is in my home, all of Jan's side of the family. Well, I guess I have to back up. I forget bits and pieces because it's just so scattered. But walking out of the hospital to get to my mom's car, Jan and Mick pulled up. They live fairly far away. And mom was in the middle of getting ready. We all can assume what that looks like, and that's not how you want to go out. So she had to hurry. She was rushing. She was trying so hard, but she didn't make it before the examiner got there to take his body. And she was pissed. She was like, I'm his fucking mom. Why was I not allowed to see him? And I'm like, I'm sorry, mom, but I'm glad you didn't get to see him. No mother needs to see their son like that. Not even a little. You need to remember the good parts of him and his beautiful little face. Not that you don't need to see that. I'm. I'm sorry you're mad, but I don't. I don't feel bad. I'm glad you didn't see it. That would have killed her. So everyone except Roger's side of the family, because the divorce and everyone is just like, the Red Sea split. And they all showed up at my house. And I'm sitting in my designated recliner. I have this recliner I love, and the food is being thrown at me. You need to eat something. You need to, like. Do you have water? Are you okay? And I'm like, just back the up. Get out of my house. I don't want any of you here. I now have this new reality I have to sit in and accept. And I don't want you guys bugging me while I do it. And that's my huge thing. Don't bug me, don't bug me. I'm always getting bugged. And so my first thought was, what do I do to help these people? Like, what am I supposed to do? So I find scrapbooks, like, little gifts. He would write me notes on a sticky note all the time. I have all of them saved. A lot of them have, like, little drawings of Moab's paw prints or the cat Murder Mittens, as he called them. And a lot of them said, I have a nice bum. I'll give them that. Just all these cute little notes. And I was just giving them. I put them out on our coffee table, and I said, here you go. Here's what I can give you to, I guess, try to make you Happy. And I get it. All of them were also there to try and make me happy, but it's not going to happen.
- [72:37]
B
And everybody handles things differently and copes differently. And I think people need to understand that, because not everybody feels comfortable being swarmed.
- [72:46]
A
Yes.
- [72:47]
B
During those kind of moments.
- [72:49]
A
Yeah. And I have found myself really upset the way that I grieve watching some other people grieve. Like you had another girl or just an episode that came out a while ago that lost her sister. I was like, you grieve so beautifully. You. You are the definition of grace. People say I am grace. And I'm like, I say fuck way too many times in a single sentence to have any kind of grace. But she hand. I'm jealous of the way that she does it. I would have loved to do it that way, but logically, that's just not how my brain was wired to do it. Unfortunately, no one would leave my side after that. I was not allowed to be in that apartment by myself. Easton had guns. One of them we sold to his dad for extra cash and groceries, and he had one that he daily carried. I had no idea where the other one was. No freaking clue. So a lot of people are freaking out. Where's that gun? She can't be trusted. Jokes on all of them. I'm way too big of a wuss to kill myself, so they have nothing to be worried about. But I'd be a liar if I said I didn't have those thoughts, because if I go, the baby goes and we can all be a family. And it was so. Like, I would try so hard not. Not to tell people that because, hey, 72 hour hold. But it was hard, you know, and everybody understood as to why I would think that way. And. But they were also wanting to be selfish and they wanted me and the baby. And I'm like, I don't want any of you. So eventually we did find it, but after that, it was just a clusterfuck. We. Rent was due. It was now the first. Well, no, it was still the 31st. I went to my apartments and I said, rent's due tomorrow. I don't have it. It's in Easton's account. I don't know anything about. I don't have his phone, I don't have his wallet. I don't know the passwords to. I don't even think he had a computer at the time. I just. I had nothing. And it makes people very, very, very upset about how my apartments handled it. But I understand. I. I completely understand. They have A job. They are just doing what their boss tells them to do, which was you don't pay rent, you have to leave. And if you don't, that's now an eviction on your record. And they didn't want that for me because they know that now makes it significantly harder to find somewhere new. There was always someone in the house because everyone was scared I was going to kill myself, right? And so my parents would sleep on a blow up mattress and the living room and I was on the bed with mo and bourbon and I slept on Easton side of the bed because I could not stand to lay on my side because every night Easton would throw his hand over onto my side of the bed. We'd hold hands for a minute. I don't like touching when I'm trying to fall asleep, but just for a minute and then I would roll over. And Eason called it my sleepy position because anytime I'd get in that position I, I'd zonk. I was out dead to the world. And so I was sleeping on his side of the bed. I had to have a TV on at night. I couldn't have the silence. I couldn't do it. And I couldn't watch anything that we watched because it just, it made me want to. I don't. It was probably a little bit of the pregnancy too, but it made me want to vomit. Doing anything that we did together made me physically ill and I guess I should go back. I have no idea how I learned what happened. I don't remember if it was at the hospital, if it was a police officer, I have no idea. But everything was just going so fast at this point. But essentially what happened is he was heading straight, just going up and another vehicle was coming this direction and they were getting into the turning lane and I, I don't know if they were trying to shoot the gap, if they didn't see him, but turned right out in front of him and Eason hit the back corner panel. And I thought what had happened was that he hit and then the car had like turned around, made a U turn. But no, the force that Easton hit his car with, it threw his car the opposite direction and his headlights were directly on Easton's body. And a guy from up on base stopped and to see what was going on and make sure he didn't know who it was. But he ran up and pulled his helmet off. And I remember the police, they were kind of upset, upset about that because they were like, it doesn't show that, it doesn't prove that he was wearing it, but it does because when he hit, the first thing to hit was his head. It was all head first. And when you're going. They didn't. Couldn't get an exact speed off of his bike. That's just not how some bikes work. But from what they were able to tell, it was about 45, 50 miles an hour, the speed limit. And going that speed and then flying at the height you did and hitting your head, for the lack of a better term, it kind of turned your brain into mashed potatoes. And it was pretty much instant. But having a brain bleed, but having nowhere for the blood to go, it comes out of any hole it can in your head. I didn't know that. Disgusting. But you can look into that helmet and know that he was wearing it. So ambulance was literally right up the street. Our Roy fire station is right there. And I think it took him 2, 3 minutes to get to them instantly. They get him on a gurney, take, start cutting his clothes off, doing cpr. Getting the what, the ventilator? Is that what it's called? Getting that in? Because it's their job. There was hardly a pulse. And it take after something like that, your pulse takes a minute to fully go. Your body's still trying to do its things. It's. It's your brain that is just a little screwed up, but your heart isn't quite sure of that yet. And so they had a very, very faint pulse that they were trying to work with. And thank God they weren't able to get it back because he would not have enjoyed life, not even a little. And so, I mean, it happened the way that it needed to. But I don't call it a car accident. I call it negligence. There was nothing, nothing in this guy's system. He was just on his way home from work. He worked a graveyard shift. And it was just pure negligence. There nothing in his system. No alcohol, no drugs, not even an aspirin. He was wearing his glasses. He wasn't on his phone. So he's just a negligent person. I've heard from other people in the authority, kind of, you know, police or whoever it is, this isn't his first incident causing an accident like this, but it is the first one resulting in a death. I could have called the DMV and asked to have his license to be taken away or, you know, asked if that's what the state decided to do. I didn't care. But I would tell people, like, I was so mad I was in the anger part of grief. Yes, that I told people I want to put his family in a cage and tie him to a chair and light the cage on fire so he knows how I feel every day, all day. Old. 30 years old. Oh, wow.
- [81:28]
B
He's young.
- [81:29]
A
Yes, Very young. And just a typical guy. Worked a normal job over at a utility trailer place that we have. I don't know what they do. I didn't know it, except existed. Just a regular guy, had his house and just did his thing. And I. It was just negligent. That's all it was. You thought your time was more important. And I was telling people, like, I really hope that he never kills himself over this, because I want him to have to look at himself in the mirror and just barf at the thought of knowing you have destroyed an entire family. So many people, so many lives have been forever changed, and we are all. I wouldn't say we all, but a lot of us are just in constant, constant pain. And I don't wish any kind of death upon him. I just want him to know that he's awful and you are negligent. And you didn't care about anybody else on that road that morning. You were too worried about getting home. And he has to live with that.
- [82:57]
B
Did he get in trouble at all or was it ruled accident?
- [83:01]
A
It was ruled an accident and Roger was very upset about that. When we went in to, like, fully finish talking about everything with the police station, they told us we will not be pressing charges because there's no proof of malice behind it. There wasn't, you know, there was a camera, and the camera changes directions just throughout the day. And just so happened that morning, it was faced directly on their accident. Accident. And they were like, he. It was just an accident to them. He wasn't on his phone, nothing in his system, and he turned and Easton's wheel was probably like a foot apart until he was able to hit his brakes and didn't quite work. And at this point, I'm still just kind of trying to figure out this new world that I'm supposed to be existing in, and everybody's surrounding me, and I just got so overwhelmed. And we were supposed to go and start planning his funeral. I had no idea where Easton's body was. I didn't know where his belongings were. I did morbidly get a hazardous bag. The big old lucky. It was great. And it was inside of a plast or paper bag. And so I knew this is his clothes that he was wearing that morning. And the first thing right on top were his Shoes. There was a few scuffs, like, on the bottom, kind of the rim side of it, and then nothing. His pants were cut, both legs down the middle. He had a leather belt on that day, so they just pulled that right off before they cut the pants, his shirt, and his jacket that he had gotten from work, cut right down the middle. And when you opened the bag, it just sulfur it from the blood. And my mom is standing behind me, and she's like, I really don't think you should be doing this. And I'm like, no, I need to know. Like, I. Something in me tells me I need to know. And I'm just pulling these things out and I want to see what I can keep. Because now I have to think about how am I going to take this one person and pick the things that I want to keep for the rest of my life as a remembrance. I would love to have it all, but logically, I couldn't. I signed out of my lease. I told them that was going to be my last month. People were very upset. Yes. I went in and, you know, all of my cute little front office ladies, I love them. I loved that apartment. I loved living there. I loved the people, and it was just a great place to live. I loved where I lived. And so I went in and they just have these bright, happy, beautiful faces. And they were like, how can we help you? And I'm like, okay, I don't think you're ready for this on a Wednesday morning, but Easton's dead. I don't have rent. I don't know what to do. And they were like, okay, well, we have a job to be doing. She's like, if you don't have it, we have to ask you to leave because we don't want you to have a eviction on your record, because then it's extremely difficult to get anywhere else. And people were pissed. Everybody was pissed. Rightfully so. I understand. But I also understood the apartment side of it. And I think that's where my favorite part about myself is. I'm very understanding of, I guess we could say, emotionally smart. I get both sides. I get all the stories and circumstances, situation. And I feel like, in a way, they.
- [86:55]
B
In this situation like that they kind of. They can't pick and choose.
- [86:58]
A
Yeah.
- [86:58]
B
It's like we have to treat it all the same, because how do you pick and choose someone's circumstances?
- [87:04]
A
And so, you know, Jan and Mick were there with me, and they were like, are you fucking serious? Like, you're just gonna kick her out? Like that and you could tell she was like stuck between a rock and a hard place because what else is she supposed to do? She has a boss she has to listen to. So Jan and Mick said, how much is it? Wrote out a check here. And they were like, okay, Bri, are you signing another lease? And I was like, no, let's get a three bedroom so that my younger brother Jake and my parents can move in with me and my mom and dad can help me with this baby because they don't come with manuals and I don't know what I'm doing. So they moved in with me not long after. And it was miserable. I'm just kidding. It was okay. It was great. It was so great to have the help. And this kid would have me up so many times a night. But it was so easy to get her back to sleep. I got blessed with a great baby. She is so easygoing, so happy. Not a worry in her world. Does she have some milk and like a friend to hang out with? She's good. Not a worry. But my parents loved it because they got to be a grandparent every day. They got to wake up to this tiny little that is driving us nuts all night. And I'm back to living with them. We got a townhouse together just with recent life events, you know, happens. And I don't think I haven't seen my parents since moving in because I, I flew out here. But I can only assume they're having a great time, you know, because she's a great baby. She's so much fun.
- [88:56]
B
So his accident happened in 24.
- [88:59]
A
23.
- [88:59]
B
23. Okay, so it's been what, like it's.
- [89:02]
A
Gonna be two years next month? Okay, yeah, I know. That's why I've been so confused. I'm like, I keep wanting to say 24 because 23 sounds so long ago. But yeah, back in 23. And then my poor dad, he. His birthday was June 4th and we were supposed to go fossil hunting. There's this place in Wyoming that you can go and they give you a chisel and a hammer and you find fish fossils. Oh my God, it was so cool. If anyone's ever out that direction. Highly, highly recommend. But the tickets were already bought. My dad and my great aunt Vicky share the same birthday. So that's what we did for their birthday. And I was like super pregnant. I. Not super, but I was pregnant and really uncomfortable. But I wanted to go looking for these friggin fossils. And it was so much fun and really good to spend that Time with my dad and to see him happy, at least for a minute, despite all the shitty things happening. And I instantly. I've always been a daddy's girl, but being able to fall right back into that and now getting a little bit more was so great. It was so great. Took me right back to my childhood where, fuck the brothers, where's my daughter? You know? And it was just so good to see happy faces that day. And thank God for my Aunt Vicki. She is a very big. We need pictures. Pictures. Do we have pictures? Is everyone get it? You know? So now I have things that I have from that day. We started planning the funeral, and it was a Thursday, I believe. I had no idea where Easton's body was. I wasn't getting phone calls from the examiner to tell me what happened. I wasn't getting calls on where his body was, what my next steps are. Nothing. And I was pissed because I'm like, why is no one calling me? Who, like, who's dropping the ball on telling the wife what's supposed to be happening? Well, I come to find out that Roger was trying to help, and he was calling everybody to ask these questions and then never relayed the information to me. And then I found out, just kind of out of nowhere, like, I think. I think I went over there and we were talking, and I was like, wait, where the fuck is he? And I was pissed. I was livid. And I went home and I was, like, yelling at my mom, and that was my big thing. I was on a rampage with all my people, all of my people. And we went to plan his funeral, and I'm obviously still just brewing about how I didn't know where Easton was. And I'm sitting here, my mom and dad are here. We have Logan, his wife and Jan, Mick, Roger, Jenny, you know, we got them all here. One big un. So happy family. And I don't even. I don't remember what we were talking about, but it was. We were just trying to plan a funeral, and someone was like, what do you think, Bri? And this whole time, anything I suggested was like, well, what if we did it at the church? Asa and I are not religious. People will say that. Oh, no, he. What? No, I was with him the last five years. I can promise you, this man did not give a singular about religion, about a God or heaven or hell. We didn't believe in any of that. And if there is a heaven in hell, this is hell. I am living in hell. So at least I know wherever he is, he's happy and Someone asked me, they were like, okay, well, what does Bri want? I've never sworn in front of these people before. I wanted to show them nothing but respect because they were religious. And I will respect that. And if you don't want to hear me say, then I won't. And so at this moment, my anger just came over me and I was like, me. I'm just the wife. Why does what I say matter? And I think in that moment, every. The silence was so loud, and I'm like, oh, not sorry, but. And they really wanted. So in Utah, the big thing is after someone dies, you have their funeral. Everybody meets up at their ward in the LDS Church and they have just like a get together. The ward will set up tables, make famously known funeral potatoes, and a salad, ham rolls. And everyone just kind of goes to the church and eats. And they really wanted it at the church. And I was like, no. East and I were not religious, but we did it for money reasons. And because I was tired of arguing with everybody about what I wanted. And I. It was kind of like a. How is this viewing and funeral going to help everybody else? And so his viewing was set for 6 June. The funeral was the 7th. For the viewing, we had to go buy me new pants because I was just wearing stretchy pants. I'm pregnant, you know, my mom's like, no, you need pants. And I'm like, y', all, I'll wear my pajamas for all I give a shit. And we went out, got me an outfit. Jenny did my makeup. Jenny did my makeup because I'm super pale. And one big thing that stood out to me is it was time to stand next to the casket so that people could start walking up. And Roger stood right next to. And he was like, come on, come on, everybody, come on. I don't know who pointed it out, but they were like, she's the next of kin. She needs to be neck, like, right next to the casket. What is Roger doing? Like, what an ass. So we got the order figured out and it was okay. Everything was fine. It was an absolute wild, wild. I think it was from either 5 to 8 or because he was younger. They did 4 to 8. Because when you're younger, you obviously have a lot more people that you know. It went from like 4, 4 to 10. I was standing there all day. There was a line out the door to the parking lot for hours. I could not go to the bathroom without somebody coming with me to make sure that people weren't going to stop me and hurry and do it there because they didn't want to wait in line. So I had, like, my aunt. My Aunt Martha. She's my. One of my favorite aunts. She would follow me, and she'd be like, you okay? Everything okay? And then every once in a while, she'd, like, come around the corner. You got to go potty. I'm like, no, I'm good. You know, and it was just. It was such. I would hate to say. It was a good day. It was a good day. It was so crazy to see that many people there to support me and Bry Lynn and every card that I got, every gift, anything that I got, I have saved. I have everything that everybody's given me, all of their, like, I'm sorry for your loss cards, all of it. I. I love memories like that. I mean, even though it's a shitty memory, but it's good to look back on, and it's so. It's just a silly little thing that happened that will probably make people laugh. Logan, his. The middle brother, has two little girls. Darling. So cute. They found this little boy at the viewing to play with, and the girls were touching him, and they were like, look, he's hard. And this kid, a couple years older than. Than them was like, well, yeah, he's dead. Yeah. And the mom. I did meet the mom, and she was just. So you could tell she's so tired. Like, you can't control these kids. They are just. They're kids. It's what they do. And she was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, no, that's hilarious. I'm gonna remember that forever. That is funny. What else am I supposed to do? Cry? You know, a lot of people are like, yeah, you cry, psycho. I couldn't. I couldn't. I don't know how to cry in front of people. And eventually the weather outside got shitty. Like, shitty shitty. And we had brought his bobber over because it was his pride and joy. Like, he built that thing from the ground up. And I was pissed. That was. That was a whole other thing. And so the funeral home had just had their carpets replaced, so they didn't want the bike coming in. And a handful of the boys were like, we don't care. So they agreed, like, bring it in, Put stuff underneath it. Be careful of our damn carpet. And the funeral people were pissed that this was ever a thing that we did. And I'm like, yo, you can't yell at me. My husband's dead. You can't yell at the Sad girl. And I didn't do it. You think I'm going to push that thing? It's heavy. And we're just. I'm standing there hugging everybody and doing funeral things, and boom, power goes out. It is pitch black all of a sudden, and everybody's like, the foot. And then instantly everyone's like, oh, my God, Easton's with us. And I'm like, no, the weather shitty. I'm a realist, I believe is what it's called. I think that's what my therapist called me. If I don't see it, it's not a thing. You know, I have to see it and feel it and, you know, it's just. That's not what it is. It's actually just the weather. It's a funny coincidence, incidents. And so everyone had flashlights and we're, like, trying not to blind each other. Flashing in our eyes. And I was there forever. I felt like it was forever. My feet were already huge. Like you could hear the oceans when I walked with how much water my legs held. And we ended up at a Denny's. You never. You never go to a Denny's. You end up at Denny's. It was me, my mom and dad, Brady, Jake, Bella, and my cousin Stockton. Stockton. He's great. We were born on the same day, so we're. We're not near as close, but he's had a lot of brain injuries, and I don't know if that's what made him weird or if life just made him weird, but there was a. Some kind of special that they had, and it was the lumberjack special or the Lumberjack slam. So my dad, being the man that he is, said, stockton, I triple dog dare you to order that, but say, I want to slam a lumberjack. And he was like, okay. And my mom, she's instantly like, oh, my God, I can't do this. No, we. We have to leave. Our waitress is the cutest little, little gal. She's just darling. You. You can tell she's fairly new. And my cousin's going to come spewing the shit from his mouth. She took it like a champ. Didn't even bat an eyelash. Knew exactly what was happening. And it was a good ending to a shitty night. I don't remember what happened when I got home that night. I probably cried. You know, it was always at night when things got quiet and no one else was around. And I would text people crying for help, like, what am I supposed to do? Like, I need somebody. And it was filled with a Lot of silence. Anytime I started crying, I. It was like ghosted. So as time went on, I'm like, God, I really just don't have anybody. A lot of his friends I don't hear from anymore. Select few. But I'm like, God, I don't have anyone now, do I? They're all gone. Easton's dead. And they went with it. And in my mind I was like, you. Your best friend dies. And from his eulogy, we can all see how much he did for his people. He dies and you can't even make sure his wife is okay. You know, like, quick text. Hey, killed yourself yet? Nope, we're good. Okay, cool. Glad to hear. And I didn't even like nothing. And that was really hard to like come and accept and just be like, okay, you know. And I, to an extent, it's like, yeah, you have your own life, you have things going on, but not up to me. Everyone has their own things. But at the time I was. I was pissed. I was like, fuck all of you. And next day was funeral. It was. I have an audio recording. I don't think there is a visual or like a video to it, but I do know I have the audio. And some of the stories that people told are just so great, you know, hearing how. How many lives Easton changed. And it is just full. And I wanted to display my wedding dress because no one was going to get to see me in it. And so my Aunt Vicky came early and she steamed it out, made it all nice, made every. Everything was puffed up. And Roger brought one of his suits that we could put next to it. It's not what was Easton was going to wear, but it was just for the visual, just for the idea. We had a table with pictures, his hats, the fishing pole that he used to catch his fish. The chatterbait was still on it. Which little dangerous when you got kids all over grabbing shit but no one stuck their finger with it, so it's okay. And I remember one of the funeral directors, the one that. Because Roger was friend with the guy that helped us do it, and the like backup guy was looking at us like we were so stupid. And he was like, what is going on back here? And I'm like, oh, we're just steaming my dress. I don't know if he thought that I was about to fucking get married to a dead guy or what, but the way he was looking and talking to me like I was absurd. And I've told him like two or three times, I was like, no, people just don't get to see me wear this. And I want people to see that. This is the dress I chose. I can show pictures all day, but they can't see the beautiful detail that it has. And so he was just such a butthole about it. And it was just my dad and I. Dad and I don't like hugs. We don't touch. We don't do that whole thing. And my mom was sitting here and my dad was next to. And he just like, reached over and put his hand on my leg because I'm just sobbing. And it was just. I remember I was like, this is weird. My dad and I never touch, like, unless I'm going to hit him or something. But we. We never. We never do anything like that. It was just. That whole day was just a blur. Everything from this point forward is pretty much a blur. I can't remember most of last year. People will say something, oh, you don't remember that? And I'm like, no, I don't. And so I. I don't remember a whole lot about the funeral. I did go to the church thing afterwards. I really did not want to, and. But I did because people wanted to see me. It was full apps. There were flowers everywhere. Anytime I walk into a flower shop, I cry because it smells like the church did. Like my house did, because they were like, pick which flowers you want to take home. And so I picked a few and then everybody else picked what they wanted and I got the rest. So my house just smelt like a flower shop. So I can't walk into one without just like sobbing. So that's just like a crazy triggering smell. And after, I think I just tried to continue on. Life is normal. I would go to my baby appointments and I do the ultrasounds and I do all the things. It was either usually my mom or Jenny that would go. At some point, weird things just, like, started happening. I can't give an exact order on things that have happened, but I can give them to my dog. Moab got happy tail syndrome, where his tail, the base of his tail is so thick and it is so strong. He'd hit it on walls when he got excited and it split the end of it. So when he'd wag his tail, it would cut it and he'd spray blood all up the walls. And so I'd wrap it, you know, we'd get it to heal. It happened with Easton I all the time. But with people coming over, being in and out every day, all day, all the time, I couldn't get the end of his tail to heal. And so let's. And I think this is all happening during, like, the time of Easton's funeral. It all just happened so fast. When it rains, it pours, you know? And so I kept trying to get his tail to heal and do these things, and I was just trying so hard, and eventually the end started going black, and I was like, all right, it's game over. Like, he's losing the tail. I have to amputate. I guess I didn't have to. I was told I could just wait and let it slough off on its own, but that's disgusting. And so I went to the vet, and they were like, okay, well, we'll schedule an amputation. And, oh, my God, I just cried because now he looks dumb. And he looks. He's still so cute, but his butt looks dumb. We had the surgery done, and everything went good. We were moving the day of his surgery, so they gave me some extra trazodone just to keep him calm, keep him from wagging his tail. I locked him in one of the back rooms, and it was so great. We moved from this apartment right over to this apartment, so we weren't moving things very far, and everybody wanted to help. And one of Easton's buddies, Taylor, he's a firefighter, bless his heart. He saved. They saved the day. And then we had something fun to look at while we were there. And I was so mad because I'm like, God, I'm ugly and pregnant, and there's freaking firefighters here, like, really lame. But all the women, after, they were like, hey, thanks for getting those guys. And all the men were like, oh, they made our life so much easy. All the girls just had this eye candy and.
- [108:36]
B
Right.
- [108:36]
A
But, oh, man, they saved the day. One of them took a safe and just, like, hooked it up on their shoulders, bopping around, and I'm like, all right. Like, you guys go. I didn't have to lift a finger. And a few days after Moab had gotten through his cone and chewed on his tail, there was one stitch right down the middle that was holding it all together. So I rushed him to the vet, and they were like, okay, we'll sew it back up. But there wasn't a whole lot of valuable skin to use, so she was like, you have to be really careful. If he does it again. Like, I can't just stitch it back up. We're going to have to amputate more. He did it again. So I even bought a new cone longer. I don't know how he was doing it, no clue. So they had to take off another inch and yeah, just so that they could sew it back up. And it was just, just. Oh, it all just kept happening. There was a barbecue that his work had. Well, his cell, because base is huge. You have so many buildings, so many jobs. So they just called it like their cell. And one of them had a barbecue where me and my parents went out, met everybody. I could not leave my parents side. I was terrified to go anywhere by myself. It felt wrong, but it also felt weird to bring your parents at 24 years old. And so we went and it was really great meeting everybody and it was good food. I haven't heard from any of them since. But they're busy people and they only worked with the guy, you know. And so we went there and it was good, it was fun. It was just again, where to take your parents. I now had to plan my baby shower. You know, people are like, we're creeping up on your baby shower. Well, east and I had a venue to the wedding and she didn't, you know, no refunds, no like deposits, not another sort. So we decided, okay, we'll just use the venue for a baby shower. And it's just going to look a little silly, but screw it, it's paid for, you know. And so there was quite a bit of drama involving my baby shower and who was and wasn't going to be invited. There was just a family member that at the time I felt like, I. I hate to say it because I feel like an asshole, but that I couldn't trust at the time to keep the peace kind of thing. So I just simply didn't invite them. And it was already very chaotic and I already have people in my family that have family drama and can't get along but really want to be there to support me. And I had issues regarding that, you know. And so it made Jan and Mick very upset, rightfully so. And Mick was very upset with me. My whole baby shower. He didn't speak a word until I was about to leave. Like I was in the truck about to pull, pull out. And his guilt beat him. And he's like, you know, I'm good. You can't stay away from me. I'm too good. And so we're okay now. You know, we talked about it and I think he understands where I was coming from and that my way of thinking has completely been altered. Everything to me now is a. A threat. You know, I'm scared they're out to get me. Someone is out to do something and no one's intention is good anymore. I, I hate everybody now and. But I had a great baby shower. It was, it was so much fun. Everybody came out to support. I had so many gifts I didn't even know what to do with. I was. The baby and I were so spoiled and at one point towards the end of like my pregnancy and the my baby showers, you know, more and more people were coming around. I got to the point. This is a nice little tidbit to all pregnant ladies out there. If someone's touching your stomach without asking you because they're not touching the baby, you know, and I know it's comforting and it's, it's cute, it's fun, but it's uncomfortable for that person. If you touched my stomach without asking me, I would grab your boob. Like don't touch me. And I did it quite a few times and it got my point across. You don't touch people without asking them. So yeah, just grab their boob. They'll let go real quick. But it was, it was just such a great baby shower. And Jan wanted to throw another one for me up at her house so that the family member that wasn't invited because I'm a dick was able to come and then mix other children and some of Jan's fan or friends. Excuse me, I don't remember. I. I'm not sure where all of her friends came from. But her sis, nope. Mick's sister, she works at the Fred Meyers where Easton got my ring. And she's the one that actually gave me this like super cute little foot necklace. Yeah. And she got me that as a baby shower gift. And I think it's so cute. I like that. It's just dainty and it's little. And I was just so extremely spoiled. The baby was spoiled. I didn't have to start buying diapers till like a few months ago. That's how many friggin diapers I had. And she's a year and a half now. There was a GoFundMe set up because what am I supposed to do? I am now a single mother. And it just kept like being beating its expectation. Like every time we would go up a little bit. I shouldn't even say we. It was one of Jenny's daughters that did it. She's an absolute saint. Big sweetheart. Love the shit out of her. She set it up for me. She had my best interest in mind. Like we need to get you something for you and this baby. And every time we would Just beat the goal. So she would up it a little. We would beat it up at a little, you know? And there was this one night, I was just bawling because the banks were giving me such a hard time with his truck, which he has worked so hard for. And it. He's always, always, always wanted one. He could never get approved for one. He finally was able to, and he finally bought the truck of his dreams. And I was like, if I let this thing get repoed, Easton's gonna come back and, like, start opening cabinet doors as I'm bending over. And so I'm just bawling. I'm absolutely bawling. I'm laying in bed. My parents are asleep in the. In the living room. And I'm just asking east. And I'm like, what the fuck am I supposed to do? Jenny texts me. She says, have you seen the GoFundMe? Well, let me back up. I finally got into the bank account Golden West. The people were so, so rude about the whole situation. I understand you can't tell me a lot of the information, but I'm showing you a marriage certificate. We are married, and he is dead. You can let me into the account. At least let me know what I need to do to keep the truck. And the woman was like, well, if you don't have the payment and he's dead, we're gonna have to repo it. And I was like, that's not happening. So I'm home, I'm bawling, I'm freaking out. And I knew that he still owed about $7,000. And so Jenny texts me. She was like, have you seen the GoFundMe? And I was like, no. She's like, go look at the last person that donated exactly $7,000. And I was like, that's my sign. I have to go get that truck. Because she was like, if you pay it off in full, we'll give you the title. And I was like, cool. Okay. So I went to a different location. I went to their main location, the nice big one. I walked in, and this poor girl, she probably was not ready for this on a. I don't even know what day it was. I walk in, I put down my marriage certificate, the death certificate, seven grand, and my id. And I said, I want to buy this truck. And she was like, what the fuck is happening? Can I have a little bit more information? So I told her, and she's like, let me go talk to my boss, because now she just has this envelope of seven something grand. And he was like, yeah, if she wants to get it right now, let her. We'll send her the title. And so that's exactly what we did. And I started to learn how to drive it. Jury still out if it was good or bad. Backing in bad. So I did just sell it recently to one of Roger's neighbors who they love trucks. So thank God it is staying somewhere where I can still go see it if I wanted to. I know it's getting taken care of, but it was a 2000 Dodge Ram. 2,500, I think. Something of the sort. Very sought after truck where we're at. And you know, you're like, big deal if you have a clean one. It wasn't clean, but it was cleaner. So he was still very proud of it. So I just went in and I bought that truck and I'm like, hey, screw the blonde lady over there. She's a butthole. So that was a big thing and I was so excited about that. I was able to pay off a lot of debt that we had. But I was smart and I didn't pay any of the credit card debt because I did not contribute to his credit cards. Maybe a little, but not enough for them to be coming at me like the way that they did. So I called one of them and I told them what was going on and they were like, oh my God, I'm so sorry for your loss. Let me give you a call back. I was like, okay. So someone calls me back on like his biggest credit card. They were like, okay, so what is going to happen is you can either pay it right now and we will only make you pay half and we'll just leave it at that. So half was still like $5,000 and some pocket change because of all of the fees and percentages and whatever. And I was like, I don't have that. And so at this point, I'm. I didn't think about a lawyer. I have one, I got one. But I didn't think about calling them and being like, here's what's happening. You know, I was just so. At that moment, I was like, I have to do this all by myself now. This is like me. And I didn't end up paying it. And then thank goodness my lawyer caught wind and he was like, no, let us deal with that. Haven't heard anything since. Thank goodness, because that's the last thing I want to deal with. But as we get further into just like after the death, and I'm going through all these things I'm trying to learn just how to do life again and what I'm supposed to do leading up to Jan and I, okay, I was in a fight with Jan. Jan was doing everything possible to just like open me back up and be like, Bree, this is not who, who you are. I am not out to get you. But in my brain, everybody was out to get me. And Jan was an easy target. And I don't know why, because I'm a dick. Actually, that's exactly why. And I said a lot of hurtful things and to an extent they were justified, you know, about my child or an event that happened. But most of it was just, it's a small inconvenience. But I don't know how to process my emotions anymore. Everything I've ever learned about emotions was out the window. And now my thought process is like a 65 year old woman. You know, I. The way I see world and life and people are just completely different. So I asked my mom, Jenny, and one of our really mine and Nissan's really good friends, Mike Ling, she's still in our life to love her to death. I asked her to be there because she, it works in the medical field and she's just extremely smart. And I knew if I had any questions about anything, she would know. And then I have my mom as comfort and Jenny as comfort and Dr. Pepper, whatever it may be. And so that's who I chose to be in my room because I couldn't have Easton. And it does break my heart that Jan couldn't have been there. But I feel like enough people were looking at my stuff anyway that we didn't need to add more. But on September 12, 12:30 in the morning, my water broke. And my biggest fear the entire pregnancy was that I was going to have her on 9, 11. And I was like, how depressing. You know, like you go to school, your mom brings you cupcakes for your birthday. Like, happy birthday. Now here's a video of the Twin Towers. And so that was like my biggest fear the whole time. And thank God, when I got up to go pee, I went to sit and I felt my water break, but it was fairly light. You know, it wasn't a big gush as everyone expects. So I was like, oh my God, I just peed. I just peed my pants. I'm that kind of pregnant woman now. What a dork. Well, I finished peeing and they're still liquid. I'm gaslighting myself. I'm like, no, I'm not due for another week and a half. I was scheduled to be induced that weekend because I had too much water in my belly. And so they were worried about the umbilical cord getting sucked in with the water and then her pinching off her. Her supply of everything. And so I was scheduled to be induced and continued to gaslight myself. I had my compression socks on my jammies and I sit on the bed and my bed's starting to get soaked. I was like, damn it. So I, I waddle into my mom's room and I'm like, mom, my water broke. And she was like, really? I was like, well, I think so. As I'm like actively dripping on the floor. And she was like, all right, cool, let's get our stuff, let's go. And so as we're kind of rummaging around, my younger brother, he's up all night. He didn't hear us rummaging around, grabbing everything and getting the hell out. And we. My mom woke up my dad and was like, hey, my breeze water broke. We're gonna take her to the hospital. He was like, okay, bye. And then I have to run into the room for something and he's opens his eyes. I was like, bye, dad. Love you. He's like, where are you going? And I was like, hospital. My water broke. Okay, Rolls over, goes back to sleep. He doesn't remember it. He has no idea. I was in labor for 21 hours and my mom said on the way to the hospital, I was very calm for someone whose water just broke. I had no contractions, nothing, nothing. Felt weird except that I was friggin dripping water everywhere and I felt fine. I was like, okay, just get me to the hospital. And so we go in, I'm wearing my, my hey, dudes. Just my pregnant T shirt, some maternity shorts. And I walk in and the girl's like, what's going on? And I'm like, my water broke. She's like, are you sure? Because pregnant women, you know, they pee their pants and, oh, water broke. But so hospitals, they don't believe you sometimes. And I look down and again, dripping water all over their floor. And she was like, oh, shit. Okay, let's go get you a wheelchair. Let's get you up there. And the security guard, he noticed first that I wasn't lying. And so he was like, I'll get it, I'll take her up, you know? And it was probably a slow night. It was midnight, it was boring. And so they take me up, they start getting me hooked up to everything. And they were like, how you feeling? And I'm like, Great. They were like, well, you're dilated to a three. Do you want the epidural? And I was like, well, I don't feel anything. And they're like, so you want to wait? And I was like, no, I don't want to feel anything. Go ahead, let's do it. I wanted to feel absolutely nothing. I feel like life has put me through enough pain. I didn't need that kind of pain either. But every time they would give me Pitocin to kind of help speed up the process, Bee's heart rate would just drop. And so they turn it off for a minute, and then they'd wait, try to do it again. And she just wouldn't. She wasn't going for. Didn't feel that long for me. I hardly got any rest. I don't know why. Probably just nerves and everything going on. Once it started getting closer, I was getting so tired. I was over it. Everyone was over it. I was starting to hurt. I was getting sick. I could feel it in my chest. I could tell that my body was tired. And you could tell everyone in that room was tired. And the doctor calls over the little cute thing that they have. And she was like, is she dilated? Like, is she. Is she ready? And she's like, no. And I was stuck at a sit or a seven for six hours. She was like, we have an hour. You have an hour to get her to do something progress in some kind of way before we go do C section. And I'm like, absolutely the fuck not. Nope, nope. Not happening. So my nurse, who's, like, tinier than my child, I don't remember her name, but she's this saint, she started putting me in all sorts of crazy positions. And at one point, I was laying flat, and she had one leg, like, stretched all the way over, and she would push on my hips, and then she'd do that for about 30 minutes, flip me over, push on the other side. So the doctor only gave her an hour to figure it out. She was like, I'm just not going to say anything. We're going to see if she forgets about us. Because she could see the panic on my face about a C section. And she already knows I've been going through enough. I've been crying for Easton. And at one point, I was like, I just need Easton. And the whole room just started fucking bawling. Like, drop of a freaking hat. They just started bawling. And so an hour and a half later, the doctor, she was like, what's going on? And she Was like, oh, I forgot. Sorry. Let me check. I went fully effaced. I didn't even know that was a thing. I obviously was very uneducated on birth or. Yeah, birth. And so, you know, she's like, okay, you're good. You don't need a C section. We just keep waiting. So she's putting what is going on in my chart? And as that's happening, I'm like. I look over at my mom and I'm like, I feel like I'm going to shit my pants. And the nurse was like, what? I was like, I feel like I gotta poop. And she was like, oh, my God, it's time. And I was like, that's what that means. Okay, cool. Let's do it. And I was pushing for 30 minutes. The girl, she was like, we're gonna do some exercise or like, some practices before the doctor gets here just to kind of get you going. And I'm like, no, fuck practicing. I'm done. Like, this is all in. And that's exactly what it was. I was pushing for 30 minutes, and she came out. I have the pictures that I have. You can just see I'm so tired and I'm trying so hard to be happy. But now it's official. I'm a single mom. I have to do it on my own. And people saying, I'm here to help you raise this baby. I haven't seen him. And I had a feeling I wasn't going to. And so it has mostly been me and my parents. My best friend Shelby, she's been there, an absolute fuck Ton. Trent and Alexis, they've been there a lot. And when I don't have another babysitter, they love watching her. They take her to do such fun things. But it's still hard because when she's sick, it's me. When she wakes up at night, it's me. Someone's bullying her at school, me, you know, everything is now mom. And she's at that point where she's attached to me. I can't get her off my hip. And I'm like, God, I could really use Easton. Get her the off my hip. And now that she's not on my hip, I keep calling my mom, let me see my baby. You know, where's my baby? But I wouldn't change her for the world. Not at all. And it's so hard to be like, I'm done. I'm so done with life and I'm ready to end it. And then I look at her little chunky cheeks. And I'm like, I can't. Like, she would be screwed without me, and it would break her heart. Growing up, I feel like she would understand as she got older as to why her mom would do that. But I don't want her to have to try to understand as to why her mom did that. Because her mom's cool. Cool. Her mom's got humor and all sorts of cool things. And now a lot of education on life and people and just how it all works, even though it's really shitty sometimes. She was beautiful. She got her color, like, pretty much instantly. She had my big old eyes. Everyone always says, oh, she looks like Easton, or she looks like you. I don't see it. I see her as her own person with characteristics from her mom and dad, but she is her own person and she is so beautiful. Oh, my God, I want to cry just thinking about her. I get the chills. And she's just such a good baby. And she saved my life. She did. Because if she. If I never got pregnant, I would have just instantly kiss a tree, 100 miles an hour kind of thing. And she's just so much fun. So much. And. Oh, God, I just eat her up anyway, the one thing I didn't want after giving birth was everybody to come bombard me at the hospital. That's exactly what happened. There was people before I even had the baby waiting outside my door while I was pushing. And it just. It was so weird to know that other people were outside my door as I'm just, like, all the way out there. Watching my dad become a grandpa was so fun. Oh, my goodness. Or my brothers become uncles. They ate that shit up so quick. And neither of them have children, probably for the better, but they absolutely love being uncles. My mom and dad love being a grandpa and grandpa, and again, they just fully immerse themselves into it. And Jan and Mick do the best they can, you know, living fairly far away from us. They do what they can and they. All the time. She's been texting me throughout this whole trip. How is she? I don't know. I haven't talked to her today, but she's asking all about the trip and how it's all going, and they're always like, well, do you need anything? Like, do you need diapers? Are you hungry? You want to go out to lunch for mom's birthday this year? We're going camping, apparently. So I'm super excited for that. After having be. It was just. I don't know, I had something else to focus on, but I still had those days where I was like, I can't. I still have those days where I'm like, I can't do this. I can't be a single, single mom. How am I supposed to do this all on my own when she's sick? It's mostly because she's sick. She had the flu and RSV at the same time. I was in the middle of moving. We were living with my friend Shelby for the week, and she's just throwing up everywhere, and I think she's feeling better. I hope. I would love to come home to a healthy baby, but life has just been so weird after. And the way that people did look at me was so irritating to me for the first, like, year, year and a half, because it was just shitty. I would tell people, if you're gonna look at me with those eyes, don't look at me. A week after the accident happened, I was sitting there, I don't know what I was doing, doing, and I'm like. I had just, like, this epiphany. And I was like, I'm going to need a therapist. So I called one right then and there. I went to Aspire Counseling, and I found Blair. Beautiful. Oh, my God. I got so lucky to find a therapist that I liked on the first go. And she was so funny, and I swear she wanted to beat my ass sometimes when I said some things, because I see the issue in things and I see my wrongdoings and I see what happened and what went wrong or what I could have done different, but I doubt myself every time. And she's like, you have the answers. You just don't believe yourself. You don't trust yourself. You are smart. You know these things. You know things about people and their thoughts more than they know about themselves. Themselves in their thoughts. And she's like, that is very impressive. But being bipolar, I was diagnosed bipolar at 18. I see very black and white. It's either really, really shitty or really, really good. So after the accident, everything just turned to. It was all so bad. And I took it out on Jan hardcore. After the baby, they kept kissing her, and I was like, you're gonna get her sick. Stop it. Everybody was doing it, but I took it out on Jan because she did it last. And I don't know if it was last, but again, she was just an easy target, and I was an. I either ignored her, didn't let her come around. I didn't let her do things. And I feel bad because I can't. I can't go back and give her those moments that I forced her to miss. And kudos to her for being patient with me while I figured my shit out. I feel like I am a such stronger and better person to an extent. A lot of people see me as selfish. I actually got told one day that God would give me good things if I wasn't so selfish. And I still cry about that because I feel like I'm such a selfless person. After Easton died, it was, what do you need? Do you want something of his? Do you need something from me? And all the people that were like, well, what do you need from me? What I need, you can't give me. And so, you know, it's like, I don't really need anything. And what else am I supposed to say? No, I'm not okay? And then they don't say anything back, you know, And I just. It breaks my heart that I did that to Jan. It was like so many. I. I can't even remember him now, but I just had a list of as to why I was mad at her and she didn't deserve that. I just had this. I don't know, my frigging demons coming out in me, I guess. And so now, as time has gone on, I've really learned a lot about myself and other people and their real intentions. Listening to the way that people word things, you can really tell a lot about their intentions on their choice of words. And that was so weird for me to. Because it was overnight I started noticing these things and I was like, okay, this is weird. And so I would talk to my therapist about it and she's like, yeah, you have the mind of like a 60 year old woman now. You now have all this knowledge that most people your age don't get and if they do, they ignore it. And so I just. I'm just going on raising my baby. Her first birthday, we did a bee theme because we call her bee. And so now her second birthday is coming up and we're going to do a warped tour theme because emos never die. Jan and I are great. We. It's just one big happy family, I guess it's. And there's probably so many other things that I've missed, but how do you write it all down? You know, this is such a big, big thing. And so many small things happen in between. It's the big ones that I remember that must be important. I actually took Bea to Mesquite where Roger and Jenny decided to move after the accident for Easter one time just to get out and go do something and see something new, get away from all the bullshit back at home. And it was fun. It was really good. We drove. Their daughter was really upset. She had an upset tummy the entire car drive. But it was a great trip. You know, I've never done something like that with Mike Link, Mike Ling, and I have never even really hung out like that. And so it was really cool. It was a great experience. There's nothing in mesquite. It's kind of boring. But, I mean, they like it. They're having a good time. They have their beautiful new home built. Mitch and his family still in North Carolina. We did take her to meet them. I think it was around Easton's birthday, so sometime in October, we flew out so that he could meet her. And then he comes out in the summer as well. And then either Christmas or Thanksgiving, I think he just kind of picks one because it's expensive to fly. And it's a lot, just in general, and with two kids. And Logan and his family were still fairly close. We were supposed to do a dinner or something the other day, but with my kid getting rsv, I'm like, nope, stay away. They. They have a newborn. Throughout this whole process, I've just realized who my people are and that, unfortunately, it's not much of an army, and it's more of a. I don't even know what to call it. Just, like, a little.
- [140:32]
B
But it's quality over quantity.
- [140:34]
A
Yep. Yep. And that's. That's what matters. And I know that the people surrounding me love us to absolute death. They want nothing but the best for us. And they let me know, you know, I just. It feels good. And you can tell that these people.
- [140:51]
B
It's genuine.
- [140:52]
A
Yeah. Yeah. It's very. And I know I'm funny, and I know I'm great. And I know that they love to be around me because I am. And I. It sucks. It really sucks. And it hurts so bad. And again, it's. When the nights get quiet, I could feel it so deep in my chest. Like, my whole chest feels like it's just caving in because it's so empty. And I just.
- [141:23]
B
Your person.
- [141:24]
A
Yeah. And Easton. I dated a lot of shitty men. I was really good at picking crappy men, and there were some that were great, and it just didn't work out. For whatever reason, I'm a very picky person when it comes to who I'm dating, and Easton was just the one. I couldn't. I couldn't let him go. He wanted everything he did was for me. And once I got pregnant, it was for me and the baby. And it was just constant. What can I do to be better and continue to work up so that my family has what they need? And he was just, you know, if I wanted to go get ice cream at 3 o' clock in the morning, he's like, inconvenient, but okay, let's go. While I was pregnant, I nauseous whole time, I never ate. And it was getting him very nervous because he's like, how are you and my child supposed to stay alive if you're not eating? And there was one time out of nowhere, I was like, chick fil A. I'm craving Chick fil A. Go get it now before it goes away. The minute I smelled it, I. I was like, I can't. I can't do it. And he was like, do you want me to go somewhere else? Like, what do you. What can I do? What can I do? I don't remember what he did. I just don't think I even ate because I couldn't. It took me like an hour and a half to eat half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich once. And being newly pregnant, having all this extra weight, every time I threw up, I peed all over the floor. And every time it happened, Eason would turn on the water to the shower, start getting it warm, go to the kitchen, fill up the mop, help me get into the tub, and help me take a shower. Well, after he mopped up my pee and cleaned off the toilet. But it was. Every time it was like, what does she need? And Easton had a lot of back pain, and he always put it aside for whatever I needed all the time. He was always so selfless.
- [143:33]
B
And I feel like that's where your strength is going to step in now, because you take all the qualities that he had and was.
- [143:44]
A
Yeah.
- [143:44]
B
And you show those things to your daughter and you have that choice now to become those things as well.
- [143:52]
A
Yeah.
- [143:53]
B
Like, I feel like he ingrained those things in you, you know? Cause you spent all that time around him, and you remember all these memories. And of course, as sad as it is to reflect and be like, I miss him, and I miss all those things that he would do for me. And I think naturally, as humans, we try to replace those things, and they're not replaceable, you know, and that's really, really hard. Hard and defeating and upsetting. But transform those things and kind of become those amazing qualities and those amazing characteristics. And like, what else can you. What else can you Do.
- [144:27]
A
Yeah. You know, I. I have to do it for our daughter, because if I don't, again, he'd open cabinets as I'm bending over, so I bonk my head.
- [144:36]
B
And that's what he would want for you.
- [144:38]
A
Yeah. And I really feel like if he saw me now, I. I know he's already so proud.
- [144:44]
B
Absolutely.
- [144:45]
A
Of how I handled some things. Not all things, but.
- [144:49]
B
Yeah, but everybody. You can't reflect on that, because everybody handles grief so differently, you know, and it's not necessarily that it's an excuse, but people take things out in different ways.
- [145:02]
A
Yeah.
- [145:02]
B
You know, and like I said, that was your person. And unless somebody really has been through that and gets it, they can't really put themselves in your shoes. They have to just kind of accept it and give you the space that you need.
- [145:15]
A
Yeah. And people, they really tried, you know, they. They wanted to make me feel better. And so it was a lot of, oh, well, so and so. I know. I don't give a fuck about so and so. I'm sorry for them. That has nothing to do with me. It was constantly just a, what can I do? What can I do to help you? And it was my mom, too, because being a mom, I now know when your child is hurting, it's.
- [145:41]
B
You want to fix it.
- [145:42]
A
I have to fix it. What do I do to fix it? And I noticed so, so hard on my parents to watch me go through this. And my dad would tell Easton and I, in the event of a divorce, my dad chooses Easton. I was like, what the f. What? I was like, okay, whatever. Screw me. It's okay, dad. It's all right. And so watching my dad also have to go through this when, because my dad knows I dated some crappy men, and I finally found one, and we were happy and we were thriving. My parents got to watch me blossom into this, like, mother figure and a wife figure and finally be happy and smart with the decisions that I was making to now, it all being just ripped away, and my entire world is now on the floor, and I'm trying to sweep it up, and people are helping pick them up, but in my eyes, they were almost like sweeping them away, you know?
- [146:48]
B
But I look at it as, you know, they watched you become and blossom into this amazing person. Like, if you were that at some point with him, you have the strength within you to become that again on your own.
- [147:01]
A
Oh, I'm. Everyone's always saying I'm a good mom. Not to sound conceding, but I'm like, I know I have to be. I cannot take out my anger on this beautiful thing that I created from scratch. My own diy. How am I supposed. I can't let her down. And I love how much she loves me. And I never saw myself as a mom crying over my child, especially because I didn't at birth. And it broke my heart because I was telling my therapist, for the longest time, I don't feel anything for her. I don't feel like her mom. I don't care. I get irritated when she cries. And she was like, no, that's completely normal. She's like, I didn't care about my kid for the first eight months either. You know, your. Your body has so many hormones, and now you have all these hormones, anything screaming at you. She's like, it's normal. Every once in a while, I still don't feel like a mom. I'm like, that's not me. That's not what? That's not my kid. I don't know whose that is, but better find its mom. But it is mine. And I am so thankful I'm never getting pregnant again. Stupid. I'm envious of the women that are like, oh, I'll do it a hundred times. I'm like, nope, I had a hard time with the one, but I have to be good for her. I have to. I don't have to stay strong. I hate it when people say stay strong because it's good to show emotion. It's good to have those emotions and feel those emotions. It's the only way you are truly going to feel better. You have chemicals in your tears that, when released, it gives you serotonin, which helps you feel better.
- [148:48]
B
Well, strength doesn't mean not crying and not breaking down. You know, I think that everybody views that very differently. And when they say that, who knows what their meaning is? But the fact that you're still here is strength.
- [149:01]
A
Yeah.
- [149:02]
B
You know, it doesn't matter how you got there.
- [149:04]
A
Yeah. And everyone is. I can assume everyone is very happy that I'm still here. And I think everyone loves watching me become a mom.
- [149:14]
B
Amazing. That's a beautiful thing on its own.
- [149:15]
A
Yeah.
- [149:16]
B
And she is half of him.
- [149:18]
A
Yeah. And, oh, man, she's got her. His nose. And I feel really bad because he's. Or like, you have to show me pictures. Oh, God, she's darling. She. It's. What is it? Cuteness? Aggression. When you just want to squeeze them so hard. I tell people, I'm like, I just want to squish her so hard her head pops like a Zit. She's so cute, as morbid and gross as it is, but she's just. I could not have asked for anything better. And as hard as it is doing it on my own and how shitty it is doing it on my own, I know when she's 18, I'm gonna look back and I'm gonna be like, I did good. Hopefully. Don't test me, kid. I swear to God. But I really think, as time goes on and I'm hopeful that I will find someone that accepts me and my situation and my daughter's situation. But that is extremely hard, especially because I don't know if it's everywhere or just men. In Utah, they don't like single moms because they think single moms just went out, got pregnant with some dumb dude, and now needs someone else. And so when people view me as a single mom, I think that they just kind of assume it's because I picked a shitty partner. And it's like, no, I just got dealt a shitty hand. So I'm hopeful because I feel like I thrive best as a person when I'm in a relationship. I have someone I can take care of, and they take care of me, and we communicate, and, like, east and I had it all. We did everything so great. We never argued. We. Or fought. I guess we argued. Every couple has their arguments, but we never had, like, the big fights, and it was just like, hey, this upset me. Oh, well, what upset you about it? Well, this, this, and this. Okay, cool. I'm really sorry I did that. It won't happen again, and it never did. And now I feel like I'm speaking to a man, and they have the monkey symbol just, like, dancing around in their brains. And so I'm really hopeful because I hate being alone. It's lonely. But once my toddler starts speaking, it'll probably be a little less lonely, and it'll be okay. But right now, we just. I get yelled at for ice all the time. She loves to chew on ice. I've checked if she's anemic. She's not. She just likes little ice snacks. She calls my dog Bubba's and Shelby's dog, so she'll call them over to them. And she's just so smart, and she's so. Just full of life. And I can't get her to sit down and hold still. Sit down. Shut up. Five seconds. Let me go pee. I just want to pee in peace. But, yeah, it's. Everything I have to do from this point forward is all about her.
- [152:17]
B
Yeah. So and the whole thing's a journey and a process and yeah. You will learn something new every day.
- [152:25]
A
Yeah.
- [152:25]
B
About being a mom, about grief, about loss, everything in between. It's like, it's constantly that you're learning. And like you said, you know, you brought up a good point. It's okay to feel the emotions and one day might be. And tomorrow might be great. You feel top of the world. And it's okay, you know, it's okay to feel every different emotion and to have good and bad days. That's life. That's just how it goes. But I think honestly, just from sitting here, you did such a great job.
- [152:55]
A
Thank you.
- [152:55]
B
Telling your story. I know at times it's, you know, hard not to get emotional, but. Yeah, you did really, really good.
- [153:01]
A
Thank you. I'm really good at not crying in front of people.
- [153:03]
B
There's so many people that will relate to so many different parts of your story.
- [153:07]
A
I really hope they don't have to relate to the whole story because it's shitty. And I don't wish this upon anyone, but I. That was my hope. If it doesn't help me, I hope it helps somebody else. And I think it's freaking badass that I came on a podcast. It is.
- [153:27]
B
It's amazing.
- [153:28]
A
People all the time. I'm like, I'm gonna go on a podcast.
- [153:31]
B
Yeah. That takes so much vulnerability to be able to do that and share, especially.
- [153:35]
A
Something like this to tell my story.
- [153:38]
B
Very personal.
- [153:39]
A
Yeah.
- [153:40]
B
And like you allow your putting your personal life out there, but also it's very, like I said, vulnerable in your emotions. And it's very raw. It's a very raw experience. And you're telling. When you came to my home to tell me someone you don't know, like that's. Yeah, it's nerve wracking, you know, but you did it. You did a great job doing it.
- [153:57]
A
Thank you. Thank you. I had to get good at it.
- [154:00]
B
You should be proud of yourself. Really.
- [154:01]
A
I'm. I've been proud of myself throughout this. Now that I've figured it out, I've been so proud of myself because I have grown and I am able to see my wrongdoings and correct them. And I wouldn't have done that before. I've grown into a great person and I have a lot of self confidence now. Not only in the way I hold myself, but the way that I look and the way that I just the way that I am. Yeah. I'm just great. I can't help it.
- [154:31]
B
You should be good.
- [154:33]
A
Yeah. So it was. This was a great experience. It was so much fun.