Loading summary
Transcript122 lines
- [00:00]
A
You know that feeling when you're at Ross and you find the best gifts for way less like brand name sweaters, the coolest kids toys and plush dog beds. Get that feeling with every gift and save 20 to 60% off other retailers prices at Ross. Yes for less. This episode is brought to you by Dutch Bros. Big smiles, rocking tunes and epic drinks. Dutch Bros. Is all about you. Choose from a variety of customizable handcrafted beverages like our Rebel energy drinks, coffees, teas and more. Download the Dutch Bros app for a free medium drink. Plus find your nearest shop, order ahead and start earning rewards offer valid for new app users only. Free medium drink REWARD upon registration 14 day expiration terms apply. See dutchbros.com well, my name is Brooke. I'm 26 years old and I'm from California and I'm here to tell the story of when my mom had an affair with my boyfriend. So I just want to start by saying that I love what you do. I think it's an awesome thing and I've gotten better at telling my story over the years, but I know that when I talk about it, I feel so much better just about how it defines me. And I think the same is for a lot of people. And by giving the opportunity to tell your story, you have no idea how impactful it can be for another person. And we can all relate to, you know, struggles of life and human emotion. And I'm super excited to just come on here and talk about what I've been through and hopefully it reaches somebody. And I've had that experience before. So my goal is to just be honest and be vulnerable and hopefully make an impact in somebody's life. That's listening. Hey.
- [01:53]
B
Yes. No, you will. And I'm excited to have you. I'm really excited.
- [01:56]
A
Thank you. So I guess the best place to start is all the way at the beginning. Background gives understanding and I think a lot of this will make sense with the background of things in my family. So I come from a pretty normal family. I have a mom and a dad who are still together to this day, which is a part of the craziness of this story. And I'll get into that a little bit later. But I'm the oldest of three. I have a younger brother who's two years younger than me and then a younger sister who's four years younger. My dad comes from a pretty big, like, Russian family. His dad came over when he was a teenager to America, started from nothing and just kind of built his life and met my grandma and they had five kids. And so my dad, his family I'm super close with. They live in the same area where I'm at, and they've been a huge support system in my life and a part of, you know, my journey and everything. And they, you know, every family has issues. They've had their fair share of issues, but very different than what my mom experienced. So my dad came from a very big family, a close family. He had siblings, and there was just, you know, a lot of involvement, and both parents, you know, involved and all of that. So my mom, she was born in the Czech Republic. She was the only child, and her parents divorced when she was really young. And I think this plays a huge part in why she became the way she is. And, you know, later on affected me and everybody else in life with the decisions that she's made. But she and her father moved to the United States when she was 8, I think, and that was the last time that she really ever saw her mom. They got divorced. I think it was just because she cheated on her dad and nothing too crazy, But I think her dad was like, you are not gonna have, you know, a relationship with your mom. She's not a good person. And so he took her away, basically, and moved to the United States. He was a professor, so he was always busy. He was always working. And he's very smart, but he's not very socially apt, I guess you would say. And so my mom was practically on her own a lot. She pretty much raised herself. She didn't have, you know, a mother figure in her life, a strong female figure, you know, guiding her as she was going into her teenage years, and all of the really important things that you need a mom around for. So, you know, she was always out running around, going to parties, going to sports camps, just doing things on her own. And she ended up. She was an excellent runner and a swimmer. And so she ended up getting a scholarship to go run track at Arizona State University. And that's where she met my dad. And my dad played football there. So both my parents were student athletes, and they met. And my dad is a very nice person. Like, he's what you would call, like, a nice guy. The typical, you know, we'll do anything for you. Has a huge heart. He's. And I'll talk about this later on, too, but my dad is, like, the best. He's made a huge impact on me, and he's just a great person. He has a great heart. And him and my mom, you know, hit it off, started Dating. And my mom became, like, instantly attached to him. And they ended up both dropping out of Arizona State to move back to where my dad was from in Fresno, because I think. And he's open about it, but I think my dad flunked out because, you know, partying heirs in the state, all that stuff, nothing out of the ordinary, but they. She followed him when he left and went back to Fresno, and they ended up getting married there and kind of starting their life and everything, and then eventually moved up to Oregon, and that's where they had me and my siblings. So I was raised in Oregon. And I wouldn't say that I had, like, an abnormal childhood at all. There was nothing that indicated, like, we weren't raised well. We were very well taken care of. You know, both my parents worked, so it wasn't like we had a parent at home with us a lot. You know, when we were younger, my mom was home, but my dad, he's a police officer, so he was always, you know, working. And my mom was the one that was taking care of us when she was home. She's a teacher, so she would work kind of, you know, school hours and then be with us at home, like, before and after school. And I think it's hard because I don't have a lot of memory from childhood, and I think that's fairly common. But a lot. A lot of what I've been through, I feel like I've kind of blacked out. And then as I've gotten older and learned more about things that happened in my childhood and with my mom, it all kind of makes sense now. And so even if I don't remember details, I remember, you know, the feelings and the impact afterwards. So there was nothing that I can remember being out of the ordinary. I was a very, you know, active kid. All three of us were always running around playing, playing with the neighborhood kids, doing stupid stuff in the backyard and pushing each other down the hill on a skateboard, just stuff like that. And I always had a lot of energy and creativity to me. And I remember being not, I would say different, but just I. I felt like I had, like, some quirks that I was excited about. And I loved art and kind of just imaginative, creative things. And I think a lot of my childhood, I didn't really get to tap into that because my mom, she really wanted all of us to be excellent athletes. And so at very young ages, we all started being super competitive in sports. And I really wanted to do, like, the cool stuff like gymnastics and tennis and just different like, things that weren't super common. And I've always kind of had a little bit different interests than people and my siblings, too. But my mom, she let me try different sports, and then eventually she put me into swimming. And it was because she was a swimmer growing up, and she really wanted me to, you know, do something that she knew a lot about and she could be involved in. And my brother, he was pretty big into baseball. He played football, but he got really big into baseball. So my brother was super competitive with baseball, and my sister was getting into volleyball, and she got competitive in volleyball. And so all three of us were doing, like, our competitive sports. And I remember growing up, my mom, she was always more invested in my athletic performance. And, you know, if you talk to, like, my sister and my brother, they can both say that my mom was, like, all about me. Like, she would always be invested in Brooks sports over the other two kids. And I think a lot of that had to do with the fact that she didn't have her mom there and her dad there when she was an athlete. And so she finally got, you know, that chance to be on the other side and be what she didn't have. But it wasn't approached in a healthy way. As I got older, I ended up getting into running, which is what she was really good at. I mean, and she was an incredible runner. Like, she ended up going on to run road races and marathons after college. She was, like, I want to say, not too far off of, like, an Olympic trial qualifying time at the time that she ran her marathon. Like, she was really good and was super, like, obsessed with running. Like, would wake up every single day and work out or run. Would always have to get, like, her run in before we went to do anything. It would cause fights between my parents. Like, why do you need to run? Why do you need to work out right now? And I remember at a young age, like, I just thought that that was what my mom did and what she liked to do. But I later on learned that my mom kind of used running and stuff as her outlet for her demons, which I'll. Yeah. Get into. And so anyways, she ended up putting me into running as well. So I was running and swimming, and I was in middle school when I started doing both sports. And that's when I noticed the unhealthy dynamic, I would call it between her and I. And at the time, I didn't understand why, but now I know why. And she was trying to live through me, through my childhood with my sports. She would At a very young age, like start, you know, really monitoring my training and my recovery and what I was doing. You know, in between practice and school. I, you know, hung out with friends, but I was never allowed to do anything crazy. I, you know, didn't go out and go to parties or hang out with friends and do stupid stuff like most teenagers do. I was very committed to my sport. And she really instilled in me like the importance of being super dedicated and doing all the little things, which I'm very grateful for because it made me the athlete that I became. But I don't think I should have been exposed to the seriousness at such a young age because the effects that it had were very lasting. I mean, to this day it started to become very unhealthy when she started to really pay attention to my body. And this is where it kind of begins with the molding of me, if I would call it that. It's.
- [13:37]
B
And she was never like that with her siblings.
- [13:40]
A
No. And that. Yeah, and I'll get into that too. So my, my mom was very close with me because of my sports and I was her first daughter. I also just totally forgot to mention this, but it's really ironic that I was born on my mom's birthday and my parents wedding anniversary. So like double whammy. I've never had a day to myself. Right. But so my mom's always had a like significant attachment to me and it wasn't like she neglected my siblings, but she definitely, it was very obvious. Even family friends, you know, would recognize that I was like a mini me to my mom. And you know, she would dress me, she would make me like this cute little athletic girl and that was who I was going to be. So at a very early age, like that became my identity and I didn't really fight it because, you know, I was really close with my mom. My mom was like my best friend. You know, she was doing all this stuff for me to be happy and be successful. And as I started to become a better athlete, I fed into what she was telling me, you know, was going to be good for me. And so even before I got into high school, she started really drilling into my head, you know, nutrition and you know, you got to watch out if you're going to eat this, like, you know, make sure that, you know, you work it off tomorrow and you probably shouldn't be having that before a race or, you know, why don't you wait until after the season or just things like that. And so it didn't become super toxic until I got into high school. But when I was in middle school, I became very well aware of my body image and what it meant being a runner and a swimmer. And I started getting really hyper aware of myself and I started struggling with a lot of like, image issues and just like self esteem issues in general. A lot of my worth was based in the way I performed as an athlete. And so I basically made sure that I did everything I could to be the best athlete that I could be for my mom and so that I could make her proud. And I would, you know, literally like start cutting out sweets and chips and just different things that are deemed unhealthy for you. And I became very strict with my diet. And I'm like 13, right? You know, like, I'm still a kid. I haven't even hit puberty at this point. Because one thing that some people don't understand, especially about female athletes, is that when you're very active at a young age, it can really stunt your, you know, development and especially, you know, getting your period and stuff like that. I didn't hit any of that. Like, I just, I had like zero body fat. I was younger looking than I actually was. I didn't look healthy, but I was doing really well. And when I got into high school, by the time I was 14, I had already run in a national championship race. I was like the top runner at my school. I was the top runner in our area. I was placing in state championship races in middle school and had won like state meets for the junior Olympics. And I started to really excel. And it was like, I just became obsessed with it. And it was exactly what my mom wanted for me. And so going into high school, I was totally known as, you know, the runner. And the swimming was always there, but I became very good at running and that just kind of became like my main thing. And so I would literally, like, I would go to school, I would go to swim practice, I'd go to track or cross country, whatever season it was, I would do my homework and that was it. And my mom would pour everything that she had into making sure I had like, the best running shoes, the best spikes for meets, um, all of the, you know, tights and spandex and sports bras and all the stuff that I wanted and needed, she would get for me. And I just felt like, wow, like I'm going to be so successful and mom's going to help me and I'm going to be just like mom. I'm going to go to college, I'M going to run track in college and I'm going to be, you know, super successful. And she really supported me in that. But as I got better, it became even more of an issue if I didn't, I guess, follow what my mom had planned for me. So I really struggled with, like, just being a teenager and doing, like, normal stuff versus doing what my mom wanted me to do. And I remember, like, being so upset because I couldn't eat, like, certain things that, you know, birthday parties. You know, I'd go to a birthday party and be like, well, you know, don't eat a whole lot because you're going to be running a race or swimming a race, or, you know, if we had, like, dinner and it wasn't like the healthiest meal or whatever, like pizza or Mac and cheese, it was like, oh, like, you're gonna have some more. Like, ooh. You know, like, just things like that. And I became so hyper focused on what I was eating to the point that I would, like, plan out my whole day's worth of food and I would measure things and I would literally, like, count, you know, if I had one more than the serving size or I would, like, split the serving size so it was less. Like, it would cause me this anxiety, and I would constantly be looking at myself in the mirror. I would be comparing myself to other girls that I would compete against. And that was always really hard because I am. So. My mom's pretty, like, skinny. Her body type is definitely a lot more petite than mine. My dad is a lot more of, like, a stronger, like, bulkier kind of guy. And I definitely took a lot more of my dad's genetics. So my siblings are a lot more, like, taller and lankier than me, and I'm a lot more, like, stronger and just, you know, not petite. But she. She really made a point every time I was around other girls at meets or wherever that they were, you know, skinnier than me or that, you know, they looked like this, like, you know, the smaller you are, the faster you can run. So I thought, okay, well, the smaller I am, the faster I'm going to be. So I really, like, minimized what I was putting into my body and really just, like, ate the bare minimum to get by and became so obsessed with my nutrition and my body image for my sport that I, to this day, still really struggle with, like, eating and feeling guilty and, you know, do I look fat today? Or whatever. And, I mean, I've grown from that so much. But it all started with the way that she would really press. Like, if you eat this, if you, you know, don't do these things, then you're not going to be good. And all I wanted to do was be a good runner and make my mom proud. So I just. I kept falling into it. And she didn't ever, once, like, talk to me about eating disorders. And, you know, she didn't recognize that it was unhealthy. And she would enable it, she would encourage it. She would, you know, make comments and say, like, you know, you're looking really fit and, like, you look really, you know, strong and. But I looked at myself and, like, I looked sick. Like, yeah, people look at pictures of me from high school and they're like, you don't even look like that. Like, it. I looked like a Tim Burton character where my eyes are, like, sunken and there's just, like, no life in my face. And I don't understand how I was able to honestly be as successful as I was with the way that I was under fueling. But it definitely played a role in, you know, really delayed development as a woman. I didn't even get my period until I was, like, going to my senior year of high school. And like, to this day, the issues that I've had with my body image are always triggered when I am around my mom. And she's made comments in the past, which I'll get into later. But, like, when I was hurt in college and I wasn't running and I put on a little bit of weight, like, nothing bad, I was actually healthy. I looked normal, you know, but she had made a comment that I'd gotten so big and that I needed to lose the weight and I was never going to come back from my injury if I was carrying this extra weight on me. And she's making it out to be that I'm like, this unhealthy person. But in actuality, I was healthier than I've ever been. And then there was another instance where I had come home and I was, like, super skinny again, because I was really going through it. And when I get stressed, I tend to just not eat. Some people, they'll stress eat. I'm the opposite. I just don't eat. I can't think about eating when I'm stressed and there's emotional, you know, things going on. And so she had made a comment. She's like, wow, you're looking really good. Like, you look so fit. And my dad, like, would jump in and be like, no, like, she does not look healthy. Like, he would challenge her on that. And she just doesn't understand. I don't think she. She's ever really understood how, like, that whole thing has affected me. And. Yeah, so that. I mean, that was one part to it. But aside from, like, the running and the body image and all of that stuff, when I was in high school, I was, like, super dedicated and just really focused and kept my eyes on the prize. And so there was nothing that was, like, ever really an issue outside of that stuff. I mean, growing up, everything was pretty normal. My family was always really busy with our sports. All three of us were in sports. And my parents, they. They never had really obvious issues, but fighting was very normal in our household. And we just kind of, you know, oh, mom and dad are fighting at each other again. You know, wasn't really something that we worried about and just thought was normal. But, you know, I would go over to friends houses, and the way that their parents interacted, I'm like, you know, my mom and dad don't talk to each other like that. Like, there was a lot of dysfunction growing up as far as the way that my parents interacted. And I never really saw what, like, a loving relationship looked like. And it's a lot different now, which I'll get into. But my parents, I think because of all of the things that my mom was growing up and what she's experienced, and she's never really addressed a lot of her trauma. It caused a lot of issues between her and my dad. And my dad is, like, the prime example of unconditionally loving somebody, but, boy, was he, like, irritated by her. And I just remember, like, my mom and my dad fighting. And I would always, like, side with my mom and never really understood, like, what the fights were about. But as I got older and I got into high school, I noticed that my mom and my dad weren't. They weren't, like, warm with each other, you know, it was just kind of like, okay, like, they're together, like, but I never saw them, you know, like, holding hands, kissing, like, any of that stuff. And. But that was just normal, you know, like, that's just what I grew up with and what I saw. And so. And the same thing, too, with, like, my mom. She's not a very warm and loving person. So there was never, like, a lot of, like, hugging and, like, emotional support and just things that, like, for me, who I am now, I am the complete opposite of, you know, I'm a very loving, emotional person. I love hugging people. I love just, like, being there and, like, really giving somebody my Love. And I never saw that in the way that I feel like I think love should look like. So I ended up being, like, super just like, okay, I'm gonna do my thing. I'm gonna not really worry about my parents relationship. Being the oldest, you know, I had to, like, not take care of my siblings, but be the example, you know, and just kind of be the older sister that would lead when there needed to be a leader. And because I was so invested and so competitive in my sports and dedicated to what I was doing, I felt like I wasn't ever really there for my siblings in the way that I could have been. And, like, now we all have, you know, good relationships, and I'm a lot closer to them, my sister especially, than I was when I was younger. But I was very separate from my siblings, and I just, like, stayed very focused to myself. And if there were problems between my parents or if there was, you know, any other things going on, I would just kind of go into my little world and focus on what I need to focus on and just like, keep my eye on the prize. So I ignored a lot of things that were going on when I was in high school. And looking back, like, I can see a lot of those things now that I understand where they came from. But I was pretty naive. Like, I didn't know a whole lot about just, like, life and social things and all of that because I was so focused on being an athlete and excelling. And so I didn't really date much. Like, I had one boyfriend when I was, like, 15 who was my first kiss that, you know, we all have and didn't really mean anything to me, but it wasn't, like, ever on my mind. And then I started hanging out a lot with my brother's friends because we would always be going to my brother's baseball tournaments. And a lot of the guys that he played with were in my year. He was a really good baseball player. So he'd play up, and so I would hang around him and his friends, who were also my friends. I went to school with them. And my junior year, it was, like, the best year for me for running. Like, I was getting recruited at that point by Division 1 programs. I was, you know, on track to being valedictorian. I had placed at this point in the state championship meet in both swimming and running, cross country and track. I had so much going for me. And, like, at that point, it was like, okay, well, anything else at this point is a bonus. Like, I saw the finish line at that point. Like, this was where things were, like, at a peak for me. And so I was known around school, like, as the runner. You know, the runner girl. And I wasn't, like, uber popular, but I was popular, you know, being an athlete and being successful. And I had a lot of friends. Nobody that I was, like, super, super close with. I had, like, a couple close friends, but I was just kind of, you know, well liked. I was pretty shy. I wasn't as nearly as outgoing as I am now. This episode is brought to you by Allstate. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking Allstate First. Like, you know, to check the date of the big game first before you accidentally buy tickets on your 20th wedding anniversary and have to spend the next 20 years of your marriage making up for it. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate Savings. Vary terms apply. Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. When your gut feels off, your whole day can feel off. Activia probiotic yogurts and dailies are a quick, easy and tasty way to up your gut. Health game every day. They're deliciously smooth and creamy and packed.
- [33:07]
B
With billions of live and active probiotics.
- [33:10]
A
Your gut is where it all begins. So start with Activia. Enjoying Activia twice a day for two weeks as part of a balanced diet and healthy lifestyle can help reduce the frequency of minor digestive discomfort. But, you know, I was always, you know, liked and just, like, wanted to, you know, make people happy and just be, like, good, you know, like, didn't get in trouble, didn't do anything stupid, like, just very good, very solid. And there was a guy on my brother's baseball team who was in my year, who I ended up dating and is a part of this story. I'll call him M. So I'm not going to say his name, but I'll call him M. And so M was my brother's teammate. And he wasn't, like, extremely close to him, but, you know, they were friends. And I knew him in school, but I didn't, like, know him really personally. He was, you know, typical jock guy, played sports. Not like a bad kid, but, you know, like, other jocks would kind of get into trouble every now and then. Kind of a, you know, jokester. And just, like, you know, that guy that I think everybody high school has. And so he was also pretty popular. And, you know, at the time, like, I Was like, he's so cute. And, like, I didn't think very highly of myself either. I hadn't even, like, started wearing makeup at this point because, again, like, going back, my mom didn't have a mother to raise her and teach her about, you know, what it is to be a girl, like, how to put on makeup, how to do your hair, like, all that different stuff. And so my sister and I both, like, pretty much taught ourselves growing up, like, how to do those things. And because I was so invested in, like, my sports, I didn't really care about that whole lot. And so as I got older, I learned from my younger sister, like, how to do my hair and my makeup and even put a tampon in. Like, I know that's kind of gross to say, but, like, the reality is, is that my mom didn't even, like, do that stuff with me. And so back to em. I didn't feel like I was, you know, noticeable for him. I just kind of felt like I was my brother's sister and somebody in his class and another, you know, good athlete that, like, that was all we could relate on. But I was attracted to him, and I thought he was super cool, and I thought he was super funny. And when we would all hang out with each other, I just, like, had so much fun. And I would always hang out with my brother and his friends because I wanted to be around him and I wanted to kind of put myself out there. You know, I was getting older and everything was going well for me, and I'm like, you know what? Like, you know, I have a crush on him. Like, let's just see what happens. And so I remember at one point we had gone on, like, a trip for my brother's baseball tournament, and I think he got my number from my brother for whatever reason. I can't remember why, but he ended up texting me one day saying that he saw me walking home from. From work. And that's kind of where it all began. And so that was the summer going into my senior year of high school. I was 17, and I'd never really, like, truly dated somebody before. And so it was my first ever experience of the whole process. You know, the butterflies in the beginning, the excitement of somebody texting you, and it's somebody that you like and all that stuff. So I was, like, literally ecstatic. I'm like, okay, I have had a crush on this guy, and he's talking to me now, and I'm like, already pretty close with him because he plays baseball with my brother, like, this is a perfect situation. You know, like, he'll fit right in, and it'll just be super easy. And so we. I mean, like, long story short, we ended up dating, and he was always around because, you know, he'd be at baseball with my brother, and then he would be with me, and he became very close with my family.
- [38:05]
B
And Was he also 17?
- [38:07]
A
He was. So his. He was a little bit older, like, in the year, so he turned 18 in October, which is another key fact to remember. But, yeah, so he was just, like, you know, a little bit older than me, but he'd always be over at our house, super close with our family. You know, it just made me so happy that I could have a boyfriend who not only, you know, we had a great relationship, but he had a great relationship with my brother, and he would get along with my parents, and it just felt so good. And it was like, everything is going right, you know, Like, I'm on my way to just, like, totally being set for life. I'm gonna be running in college. I'm doing well in school. I have a boyfriend now. Like, my mom's my best friend. Like, just. Nothing is wrong. And again, very naive. Like, just totally not paying attention to little red flags here and there. But when I got a boyfriend, my mom was, like, immediately very attached to us, and she would be very supportive of me, like, wanting to go do things with him and hang out and stuff like that, and sometimes would even, like, offer to come along and take us. And so there were, like, a handful of situations where it was me and Em, and then my mom and I, again, didn't think anything of it. Like, in my head, I just thought, oh, my gosh, this is so great. My mom and my boyfriend are getting along, and, like, what could go wrong? And I, at this time, like, he would never spend the night at our house, but, like, he would always be at our house until, like, it was time to go to bed. Like, he was always with me or I was always with him. And so the amount of time that he spent around my family and around my mom was significant enough for me to not, like, worry about anything that would have stood out as concerning, because it just felt so normal. Like, it felt just how it was. Yeah, that's just how it was. And so as this relationship went on, I. And I say this now because, like, I can look back and see this stuff, but at the time, I didn't notice. My mom became very close to me in a way that didn't make sense. So she started Buying clothes that were similar to mine, like, literally matching outfits. She was buying this, like, skin care cream type of stuff that would make her skin look youthful. And, you know, she's in her late 40s at this point. She's getting to that point, you know, as a woman that, you know, you feel like you're starting to lose yourself and you want to feel and look young again. And I think my mom definitely had a lot of insecurities and to this day still has a lot of insecurities. And so she really poured into her image at this time. She was trying to make herself look younger. She was highlighting her hair, so it was bright blonde like mine. And just like, acting and kind of putting herself out there is looking younger than she actually was. And my mom, like, was, you know, very beautiful. And a lot of people would tell me, like, your mom is so pretty. You guys look so much alike. And I would always feel like, you know, like, that was a huge compliment. And again, like, wanted to be like my mom, you know, So I didn't think anything of it. That's the moral of the story. Didn't think anything of it. And I felt like as our relationship progressed, she started to really look for validation from Em. So she would almost act while she was with us, like she was one of us. Like, she was a peer. And this is a part of, like, the relationship that I had with my mom growing up that I'll touch on. She was never really emotionally a mother. She wanted to be my friend. She wanted to be at my level. She wanted to relate to me. And so when she would hang around us, it was like she was trying to, like, joke with us, like she was one of us. It wasn't like a parent to kid interaction. It was like she was trying to be one of us. And I don't think there was ever a specific point in time where I felt like it was like, super obvious that they were, you know, starting to give me weird vibes. But I do remember when I was like, my senior year had started, and I can't remember what was going on, but my mom needed M's number for something. She didn't have it at that point, and so I gave her his number. And she's like, we're just trying to coordinate something for you, like we're doing a surprise for you for one of your races or whatever. It was something like that. And so I didn't think anything of it, but that was probably like, the worst thing I could have done was give her his number. So from here, I'm going to tell the story as if I didn't know any of this information. And then I'll go back and like, insert like, how we found out this information. But like, from there on out, like, beginning of my senior year of high school is when this affair started to begin. And I think it's crazy, like, a lot of people don't actually know this, but we were not dating for really that long. Like, we'd known each other for a long time, but dating. We had only been dating for like half a year really at that point. So it wasn't like I was with M for, you know, all of high school or anything, but because he was my first boyfriend and my first real relationship, you know, everything feels so much more, you know, my first I love you and you know, pretty much like my first everything. And so at this point, it is our senior year of high school, and we are like one of the couples, you know, because it's like not bad boy, but like, bad boy M, the jock that's, you know, kind of the one that messes around and stuff like that, with the shy, really successful runner girl. Like, kind of opposites. But we were like perfect together, you know, And I was just so in love. Like, I just felt like it was everything that I didn't even know I wanted. And we were like, just attached to each other. And he was like my best friend at that time. Like, I had my girl best friends, but there was a lot of him that I like, related to and I could just be so comfortable around. And, you know, being that I didn't really have a whole lot of like, self esteem growing up, I never really thought highly of myself. I never really thought that I was pretty or anything like that. So he just made me feel like I was on, on top of the world. And I felt, you know, beautiful. And I felt like somebody actually like sees me and cares about me. And that definitely, you know, plays a role in the effect of this of course too. But so, yeah, we are, we're going through our, you know, fall senior year, those months, and we are getting into the holiday season. And nothing like really stands out to me at this point. But my mom starts kind of acting a little suspicious, like she's gonna go somewhere and she's like, oh, I'm just, I'm gonna go to the store, I'll be right back, or I'm gonna go for a run or, you know, just like make an excuse. She's gonna go do something and she would come back and she would be like, almost elated, like just in a completely different mood. And it was really weird and I didn't get it. And at the same time, at this time, my mom and my dad were not doing super well. So my dad, you know, he was working a lot and his job is very stressful. And I think one thing that I have noticed between my parents is that they both have very, very different approaches to like, attending to other people's needs. So my dad is very selfless in the sense that he will make sure everybody is okay before he's okay. And my mom is very selfish, so she is always like, looking out for her and what's going to benefit her. And I felt like during this time, I did see that my parents relationship was going downhill because they kind of neglected each other. And my dad was starting to get very irritated with my mom. And I just remember, like, it was always really just there was fighting and on edge. And even when M would be there, it was like my dad didn't even want to be in the room. Sometimes he'd be like, irritated that she was like, interacting with him and having, you know, a bubbly conversation with him, but not my dad. So I think my dad started to kind of sense some things earlier on. And he's a cop, so he has that very strong intuition to know when things aren't right. But he never made any comments. He just kept it to himself. So there was a point in time when. And again, like, Em was my first for a lot of things. So when it got to the point to when I started to become intimate for the first time, I went to my mom because I didn't really have like this type of relationship with my girlfriends. And I also wasn't, I would say, socially at that level yet. So I kind of felt embarrassed that I was having to ask the questions of, like, how do you do this and what does this mean and all that stuff. So I went to my mom about it and I have a very vivid memory standing in their bedroom and I told her that Em and I are gonna have oral sex for the first time. And I don't know what to do because, you know, I didn't watch porn or anything. Like, it wasn't like I was sheltered, but it just was never a priority or an interest to me. Again, like being so focused and competitive with sports and school and stuff like that. I just didn't think that way. One track mind. So this is all new to me and I didn't know what to do. And so I Went to my mom, and I'm like, how do you do this stuff? Like, what does this mean? And I also didn't think that it was weird at the time that I was asking my mom those questions because she was, you know, in my head, my best friend and the person that I was closest to. But looking back, I definitely don't think it's, in my opinion, appropriate, you know, to be talking to your mom about those things.
- [50:45]
B
It's like a fine line, because part of me is like, I think it says a lot that you felt comfortable enough to go to her. Like, you know, if one day I was ever a mom, like, I would want my kids to come to me about anything. But at the same time, I see what you're saying of, like, looking back, it's like. Because then it's like, yeah, you know?
- [51:06]
A
Yeah, it is a fine line. It's like, right? It's like.
- [51:10]
B
It's. I feel like it does say a lot that you felt comfortable enough to go to her. Like, that aspect of it, I think is good. But, like, the fact that it's like, oh, like, I'm about to do this, like, you know what I mean? It is a little bit more like, because I look back and, like, my mom and I were very close, and there happened to be times that I would come out to her about things I did after the fact.
- [51:31]
A
Yeah.
- [51:32]
B
But I think if I told her, hey, mom, about to go do this, she'd be like, no, the hell you're.
- [51:35]
A
Not about staying home. You are not about. About to do that.
- [51:39]
B
Yeah. So I think it would be. That's kind of where it gets a little bit.
- [51:43]
A
And. And again, like, I didn't really think like that at the time because I didn't understand that the relationship that I had with her was not at all a healthy mother daughter relationship. So she proceeds to describe to me what I should do. And I remember in this moment thinking, wow, that is so oddly specific. Like, it's almost like you had to have done that to know, like, what I should do. You know what I mean?
- [52:19]
B
Yeah.
- [52:20]
A
But I didn't think about that. And so she just gave you basically.
- [52:25]
B
Like, a tutorial of what you should be doing.
- [52:28]
A
Yeah, a tutorial. Oh, boy. That's one way to get your sex education. So anyways, we are at this point in our relationship, Em and I, and I am starting to learn the effects of. And I don't feel weird talking about this because it is a, like, very significant part to the story and the struggles that I've had afterwards. But the way that sex makes you feel and the way that sex makes you feel about yourself, it played a huge role in my self esteem at that point in my life because I felt like, because that was happening, that that meant that I was beautiful and that I was desired and that I was worthy. And I didn't really understand like how serious like sex is. I know that like it's a normal thing in life, but obviously there are like huge consequences that come with it. And it's, you know, an adult thing that I just didn't have, you know, much knowledge on. And so when I was at this point in my relationship with him, I, I felt like this is like, what is going to solidify us, you know, like I'm gonna get so good at making him feel good and I love the way that he makes me feel. And it was suddenly like the most important thing to me. And I hadn't like lost my virginity at this point, but everything else at that point had happened and so it was kind of building up to this. And he'd never pressured me, but would always, you know, be like, this is what I want. And it became very clear that this was like super important to him too. And so we would, you know, progress in our relationship with this stuff. And then at some point it just didn't become important to him anymore. Like it wasn't like, oh, like we're going to be planning on doing this. Like it wasn't talked about, it wasn't something that I like anticipated and I never really thought about why. But obviously he was getting it from somewhere else. But see, I'm trying to think so there are a lot of situations that I look back on now and I know when like these things started to occur between them and when they were sleeping with each other. But I think what I'm going to do is I'm going to tell like the whole story to when we found out and then go backwards. That'll probably make more sense.
- [55:30]
B
So did she end up asking you after you had asked her for advice? Did she ever like come back and ask like, oh, did you end up doing anything with him?
- [55:38]
A
She would ask like what we did.
- [55:42]
B
Okay.
- [55:43]
A
Which again is very weird. And I didn't like ever really talk to her about details. But you know, I would, wouldn't feel uncomfortable telling my mom, like, hey, this happened, you know. Cause she was curious and she was, you know, invested in our relationship. So it just felt like telling, you know, your girlfriend details. But anyways, so we're getting into like the holiday season. At this point, at this point in our relationship, I have committed to run track and field at Oregon State University. And he had committed to play baseball at a junior college in the same town with the goal of playing baseball at the same school I was going to run track at. So we had a plan to basically go to college together, be athletes, do the whole thing, stuff like that. And Corvallis was only about like 45 minutes away from where I lived. So I wasn't going to be going far from home for school, which at the time I was really happy about because I knew that I would have my family there and more importantly my mom. Because at this point like my mom was such a. I wouldn't say support system because it wasn't the support that I needed obviously, but I was just very dependent on her. Like she was in my head, my coach. I would listen to my mom over my own coach. You know, everything that my mom said I should do, everything that I thought I needed to be successful, I would ask my mom and just believe that she had all the right answers for me, you know. So I was really happy that she was going to be close by and watch me run in college. It's like I signed and everything and that's the plan for the next year. So we're going into the holidays with all of that done. It is Christmas time coming up. I have to get my wisdom teeth out and I get my wisdom teeth out and I'm like down bad for the whole week, you know. And so my mom and Em were both taking care of me and it was like they were like tag teaming taking care of me and again it just, everything always felt so good. Like oh my gosh, my boyfriend and my mom are close and they're my two favorite people and they're taking care of me right now. I'm fine, you know, but they definitely used that time when I was down to capitalize on their relationship, which I'll get into. And this is about a week before Christmas. So we're off from school, it's Christmas break, I got my wisdom teeth out, I'm resting at home. And at this point in time, like my parents relationship is pretty rocky, like fights every day. My mom and dad have very short temper with each other. My mom's being really suspicious and it just, you can just feel things boiling at that point. Like something's going to come up at some point and I get a promise ring from M from for Christmas and I'm like, you know, ecstatic, like this is so amazing. Like this just means he loves me so much and we're going to be together forever. And I'm so lucky that, you know, my first boyfriend is like my first love and all the things. And I say that because I just want to really emphasize how things like that can impact your trust in relationships moving forward because of what I was about to find out. So it is December 28, 2015. I will remember that day, that date for my whole life. And I don't, like I said before, I struggle remembering a lot of stuff from my childhood. I struggle remembering stuff even from my young adult life, like college. But I will remember every single detail to this day because of how life changing it was. And while this situation like single handedly changed the course of my life forever, I look back on this day and I look back on this day being the last day of that person that I was for 17 years. So I'll just kind of go through the day as it was. It was just a normal day, no school. I had swim practice that evening and Em and I had plans to go see a movie that night. I remember the movie, it was Concussion. To this day have not seen that movie. And I have no desire to see that movie because that was the movie that we were going to see. And I know I could get over that, but it's just one of those things. So we had plans to go on a date that night and I'm at swim practice and it was going to kind of be pushing it. So I was really eager, really excited to get done with practice. I remember literally like rushing my cooldown, which if anybody knows that term, as an athlete, your cooldown is like your recovery period. And it's when you go really slow and flush out your muscles and stuff like that. I like rushed my cool down. I'm like, I'm getting out of the pool right now. I'm excited. So I get done with my practice and I grab my stuff and I rush out of there. And one thing that I didn't do that like made all the difference in the timing of me finding out. And my reaction was that I didn't check my phone. I don't know why I didn't check my phone leaving practice that night, but thank God I did not because at that point things had been discovered and my phone was blown up, but I did not check my phone. I don't know how I didn't check my phone. Cause I mean we always have our phones. But I mean it's 2015, so people weren't as attached to them, I guess, back then. But, like, I was so excited. The point is, I was so excited to go home and go on our date that I just didn't worry about it. Threw it in my bag and got my car and drove home. So I get home, and I noticed that my dad's truck is not in the driveway. My mom's home, my brother's home. My sister's at volleyball practice. So I get home and I'm in the garage, and my brother opens the door. And my brother is a very unserious person, I would say. Like, he just jokes around. You know, growing up, he was always very silly, and he would just say stupid shit. And it wasn't abnormal for lo. My brother to say stuff that was like, what the fuck did you just say? Kind of thing. So he comes outside and he's just staring at me. And I'm like, what? And he goes, m had sex with mom. And I stood there and I was like, it didn't even hit me at that point. I was like, you're joking. And I looked at him, and I'm like, don't say that. And he looked at me again, and his expression didn't change. It was just stone cold. And he says the same exact thing. He goes, m had sex with mom. You need to call dad. And at that point, I can feel my heart, like, start pounding. I'm the type of person, and I think I've always been this way, but I'm the type of person where I'm like, I'll believe it when I see it. So I'm still denying what he just said at this point. And he goes back inside. I'm in, like, a total state of shock. Like, I don't even think I'm processing the fact that what he said was what he said, like, that happened. It was like, that is so crazy. I'm so confused.
- [64:49]
B
There's no way.
- [64:49]
A
Like, it just doesn't make sense to me. So I call my dad, and my dad immediately picks up. And he is like, dead seriousness voice, you know? And you can just tell, he. All he says is, meet me up at the top of the driveway. And we have this. We kind of live out in the country. So we have, like, this long gravel driveway that goes up to the main road. And it's, like, nighttime. It's pitch black. There's no lights on this gravel road. So I'm walking up this gravel road in the middle of December up to the top of the road to go meet my dad. And I'm just like, panicking. I'm not crying. I'm not like, freaking out. But internally I am panicking because I don't know what's going on. I haven't looked at my phone. Once again, I don't know why I didn't look at my phone, but my messages. And so I'm just walking up there and I'm thinking, okay, something had to have happened because my dad's not here. And he's having me walk up to the top of the road right now. And I get up there, his truck is at the top of the road, and I hop in. And I have never, I think before that point I'd maybe seen my dad cry once when my grandpa died, his dad. But other than that, I don't think I've ever seen my dad cry before that. And when I got in my dad's truck and he looked at me and there were tears coming, you know, down his face, that's when it really sank in because I'd never seen my dad that broken before. And he said the same thing that my brother had said to me in the garage. That my boyfriend had sex with my mom. And at that point, I'm sitting in this passenger seat and I just remember losing it. Like, I don't remember what came out of my mouth, but I remember being so distraught. Like, what? How? Like, you know, hysterically crying, all that stuff. And my dad's trying to hold it together. Of course, he's always tried to be the strong individual in the family. Right.
- [67:33]
B
Because he's hurt.
- [67:34]
A
Yeah.
- [67:34]
B
But then he also has to see you being hurt and heartbroken. So it's like a double whammy.
- [67:41]
A
So some time passes while we're up there, and then we eventually go back down to the house. And again, like growing up, I was the good kid. Never really talked back to my parents. Never talked back to really any adults. Didn't have much of like a potty mouth or anything like that. And I walked into that house and I ran straight to my parents bedroom where my mom was laying on the bed in the fetal position, absolutely hysterically sobbing. And I ran in there and I say this jokingly, but it's like when you're watching a show or a movie and it's like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Like every single cuss word was coming out of my mouth. I was throwing my hands, I was cussing her out, I was screaming at her. I was like, how could you do this? You Know, I just. I unleashed. And I have never, to this day, ever gotten so upset and angry with somebody ever before in my life. I. Yeah, that's pretty bad. I, like. And I didn't, like, you know, I didn't hit her or anything, like, but I just. I stood there and just think about it, like. And I'm an empathetic person, so I'm, like, putting myself in that position that she was in right now. Imagine you're on, you know, the bed, curled up, sobbing, bawling your eyes out, and somebody is screaming fuck you, like, a million times to your face. But all I saw was red. I mean, from that moment on, she was not my mom. She was not my best friend. She was not anybody that I wanted anything to do with. Like, I had. I'd felt so destroyed and so betrayed and so confused and just every emotion that you could think of, and I just let it out like, I was so ugly, rightfully so. But I remember that being the one and only moment in my life where I've ever gotten to that point, because ask anybody that knows me, I can't get angry. Like, I can't yell. I can't get upset with people. But I. I.
- [70:16]
B
To find out somebody cheated on you is horrible in itself. Like, that feeling is, like, heartbreaking and horrible and betraying and all everything else. And, like, I just know that, like, you know, it's so easy to have anger towards that person and then towards whoever they cheated on. Even if you. Even if you don't know that person that they cheated with, you have this, like, anger and hate.
- [70:41]
A
Yeah.
- [70:41]
B
So being somebody that is not only your best friend, but your own blood and your mother. Mm.
- [70:51]
A
Yeah.
- [70:52]
B
I mean, that is like.
- [70:54]
A
Well, and to, like. I think there's a. And I'll get into this, but there's a very different reaction when you're cheated on and it's just some random person or even if it's somebody that you know, but it's, you know, another girl in your class versus your mom, and I think two very, very different.
- [71:22]
B
Well, and the thing. Something else I want to. I want to mention say just because you said it, and I like to play devil's advocate sometimes, but, you know, when you said, like, you try to put yourself in her position of, like, being there and crying and getting cussed at, you know, there's. If I did something bad and then I was upset because I got caught, I mean, give it to me, like, you know what I mean? Like, there is a. I just think that, like, you deserve it. But that's like my mindset and how I operate and how I think, I just think that like, and granted, you know, you can, you're a good person, you're a sweet person. So you can go back and look back like, why did this person do this? Or like, you know, they what in their life or in their childhood, you know, what were they lacking to lead them to this kind like, and I get that and I think that it is important to have that kind of mindset as well because I think that having an understanding of why people do things helps us a little bit to forgive and understand. And as humans, we need to understand other people and why people do things.
- [72:27]
A
Absolutely.
- [72:28]
B
But at the same time, I don't think any part of you should feel bad for your reaction.
- [72:35]
A
And I don't, I don't feel bad. I think my past self would have felt bad. But like I said that day in that moment when everything changed, I have not been that girl.
- [72:51]
B
Right. And you can, like you said, you can only go forward and like, and you know, we learn from things and we're, we're in control of ourselves and how we react in situations. And I, you know, I think that we all should be, try to be the bigger person when we can be.
- [73:07]
A
Botox cosmetic adobotulinum toxinae FDA approved for over 20 years. So talk to your specialist to see if Botox Cosmetic is right for you. For full prescribing information including boxed warning, visit botoxcosmetic.com or call 877-351-0300. Remember to ask for Botox Cosmetic by name. To see for yourself and learn more, visit botoxcosmetic.com that's botoxcosmetic.com looking for a pickup truck to get just about anything done? Look no further. The Chevy Silverado EV isn't just the most powerful Silverado ever with next level towing capability and technology. It also offers game changing versatility with the available multiflex midgate and tailgate. Which means Silverado EV helps you carry large, bulky and oddly shaped items up to nearly 11ft in length. Chevrolet together. Let's drive. Visit Chevrolet.com to learn more.
- [74:06]
B
You know, but I mean that is, that's something.
- [74:08]
A
Yeah.
- [74:09]
B
You were so young and like it was just, there's so many factors to it that are so I think mind blowing and betraying and then I feel like you even probably had anger in there for your dad as well and your brother and your family. Like, I mean she didn't only hurt you she hurt your whole family.
- [74:27]
A
Yeah, and I'll get into that because I think a lot of the story, I guess, is more of the after versus the, you know, before in the actual situation. So, you know, that happens. Cuss her out. And I am at this point now, I've looked at my phone, obviously M has completely blown it up. There's a million I'm so sorrys and stuff like that on there. Missed calls, text messages. I had overheard my dad on the phone with his mom, Em's mom, and like they were yelling at each other because I guess she had put the blame on my mom entirely and all of that. So I am just like beside myself, distraught. I go up to my room and I am just like sitting there on my bed like, what the fuck just happened? And my dad comes upstairs and he sits right next to me and we're kind of just, you know, sitting there in silence and both absorbing what we have experienced. And he looks at me and he says, do you think I should divorce mom? And looking back on that, I understand why he asked me that question. But I am a firm believer that, you know, kids shouldn't get involved in their parents relationships unless, you know, certain circumstances require it. But it wasn't my job to tell my dad what he should do with my mom. I knew that right in that moment. I didn't want to tell my dad what to do about his relationship. And I don't know why I felt like I needed to think about that over how I was feeling. I think that's just who I am as a person. I tend to think about other people's feelings before my own. And I remember just sitting there next to him and I. I said no. I don't know why I said no, but I said no. And I just remember being so sad for my dad that he had to be in the position to not only address his own needs, but mine. And it had to do with his own wife. And I felt like he really wanted to protect me. But by me saying like, I don't think you should divorce her, or however he perceived it, like, I wasn't going to be telling him what to do. Ultimately, I think to this day that really speaks volumes about our relationship because he again, like, wants to take care of people before he takes care of himself. So when he came to ask me that question, it was like he would have done it if he had to for me, you know, And I just, I couldn't sit with the fact that I was going to make that decision for him. So Maybe. I guess that's why I did tell him no. So I mean, that whole night, I mean obviously I didn't sleep. We were on the phone with Em and his mom and just going back and forth, you know, like what, like what the hell? How, how did it get to this point? And I just kind of remember like withdrawing like totally, almost like dissociating. Like I started to feel like I was just like slowly like leaving reality. Like my life was not my life anymore. At that point I had no idea how I was going to recover. I had no idea how I was gonna face M. I had no idea how I was going to go back to school. I. There were so many things going on in my brain and so I. And to this day I still do this. But that morning I did what I normally do when I get really in my head and upset. I went out for a run. And I remember it was like 5 or 6 in the morning. Like I couldn't sleep the whole night. But I left the house and I drove to this super big hill in my town and I just started running. Hill repeats like. Like I was some crazy person trying to beat my body up. Like I just kept running as hard as I could up that hill, up and down, up and down, up and down, until I could not physically fill my legs. And I remember getting back into my car and I had like worked myself so hard and I'd hoped that like I wouldn't feel that pain. But I was so, so broken and I was just devastated and I was crying and I didn't want to go back home. And I'm like, I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to do. I've never experienced anything like this before. I have because up until this point, like, you know, nothing traumatic had happened to our family, to me, to anybody in my family. I didn't know how to deal with emotional trauma because one, we didn't really talk about emotions as a family. We were very good at sweeping things under the rug. And from like my parents relationship, it was very clear that that was like enabled in my family. So I just felt very alone and I felt very unsure of what my next move was every single day. And I had arranged to meet up with M before I went back to school because I wanted to, you know, see him and hear his side of the story. And when I had met up with.
- [81:27]
B
Him, how long after was this?
- [81:29]
A
It was probably within a week. Like it wasn't too much long afterwards. But my dad dropped me off at this coffee shop. And I met up with him. And I, like, my dad literally waited in the parking lot and, like, watched us from the window because, you know, at this point, he's like, I'm gonna kill this guy. Yeah. So I remember meeting up with him, and he had, like, no words to say. He was just very sorry. He was very remorseful. And I just kept asking him, I was like, why? Why did it happen? Like, what did I do wrong? Was I not good enough for you? And this is a really big part of my story, but I felt like I was to blame for this because if he was sleeping with my mom and he wasn't sleeping with me, it was because I wasn't giving him what he wanted or I wasn't, you know, pretty enough for him or developed enough for him or whatever. Like, I started to associate the event and why it happened with myself and what I was lacking. So didn't really get any answers from that whole meet up. And we just kind of said, like, you know, we're gonna mind our own going back to school. And it was so weird. It was like, okay, this really crazy bad thing happened, and now we're gonna go back and go on with life. And that was how it was treated. I went back to school. I had six more months of school left, and I had to live at home. I was only going, like, less than an hour away for school, so it wasn't like I was going to be escaping. But I didn't want to be around my mom. I didn't want to look at her. I did not want to have anything to do with her, but I had to suck it up. I was like. I told myself, I said, six more months and I'm going to get out of this house, and I don't ever have to be around her again. And so I went into survival mode for the rest of my senior year of high school. And I just put my head down and tried to make it through. I remember going back to school, and I didn't think that it was going to be something that everybody knew about. But where I grew up and where I lived, it was not like a small town, but it had a very small town, like, dynamic where everybody knew of each other. Like, everybody's business and stories spread like wildfire. So I get back to school, and the very first day of school, the librarian, during passing time, approaches me. Mind you, I've maybe had maybe two or three conversations my entire four years at this high school with this librarian. I don't know anything about her. And she approaches me like she knows me and is so concerned for me. And she pulls me aside, and she's like, brooke, I am so sorry about what happened. And I remember looking at her, like, in shock, like, how do you know? How do you know? Like, if you know, then everybody else knows. And I just looked at her, and I remember I, like, just was frozen. I didn't know what to say. And I felt like tears were welling up in my eyes, and I couldn't get out of there quick enough. And so I was on my way to class, and instead of going to class, I ended up going to the bathroom, and I just bawled my eyes out. I was like, I am not gonna make it. Like, everybody's gonna know. I still, at this point. So the way that our terms worked is, like, we had Christmas break, and then we had a few weeks after Christmas break in January, which is when finals happened. And then the new semester started, so I would get different classes. So I still had a couple weeks of having a class with M. And I couldn't leave the class because it was so close to the end. I also couldn't neglect the class because I'm trying to be valedictorian. I still have all of these things that I have to accomplish by the time I leave high school. I still have all my priorities that I had before. I still have to maintain my level of success and my image and my performance, because that was all I was before that. All I was was a good student and a good athlete and a good, you know, by the book type of person. There wasn't much variance to me. And I just remember, like, I. I just, like, dissociated. Every time I was in that class. I would just. I wouldn't look at him. I wouldn't. I wouldn't even have any reaction. I would just be a robot. And then I would leave, and I would go to the bathroom and I would cry before I went to my next class. And I would usually cry on the way to class. And I started to, like, become very closeted in how I, like, processed my emotions. So I would be very, quote, unquote, normal and cool around other people and pretend like nothing's wrong. And then when I was by myself, I would break down. And I had nobody. I mean, I told none of my friends, like, myself. Obviously, everybody knew, but I told none of my friends. At this point, I hadn't talked to, like, my dad's side, the family, who I'm close with, about it. I had nobody that I Could go to.
- [87:47]
B
Did you talk to your mom at all, or no.
- [87:49]
A
So I'll get into that. Like, and this is how I, like, discovered what was happening was I eventually had to just be like, look, you got to tell me.
- [87:59]
B
But at this point, like, at home, you were just kind of.
- [88:02]
A
Yeah, I was trying to, like, I. Yeah. Go to practice. I would spend as long as I could at practice. I would get home, I would eat, shower, do my homework, stay in my room, like, as little interaction as possible.
- [88:17]
B
Were you talking to your siblings at all about any of it?
- [88:20]
A
Yeah. And so my siblings both had very separate, like, different reactions. My sister being the youngest and being in the position to where she felt like she was always, like, second best to me with my mom, which has played a big role in her relationship with her. Like, she's always felt like she, like, wasn't as important because of how my mom was so obsessed with me growing up, like, just making me a mini. Her. My sister had a lot of anger, so my sister was the angry one. And she's always been very outspoken. She's always been a little bit more of the. And I love her, but, like, the bitchier one between us, too. So she was kind of, in a way, like, at my defense, but she would react to my mom very angrily. And, like, my brother, on the other hand, kind of went inward and, like, broke down. Because on the baseball team were all of these guys that Em was friends with, and Em was on the team. And after the new year started in the wintertime, they would go to Arizona for spring training for baseball. And he's on the bus ride, and these boys are talking with M about how he, you know, screwed my brother's mom. Like, they're saying that on the bus ride in front of my brother. So my brother's going through this situation where he's not only embarrassed and traumatized and alone, but it's also like, he's getting bullied. And my brother is a very sweet person, and he's a lot like my dad. He cares a lot about people, and he's not one to really stand up for himself. I would say he's a lot more, like, docile. So he just, like, experienced so much shit from these guys on this trip. And I think that really, really broke him because he struggled a lot after this, and I'll get into that. So, anyways, I get to the point to where I want to know. And I don't remember how I approached her, but I had a conversation with my mom, and I was like, I need you to tell me how long this has been going on for and what happened and where. And I don't want to know everything, but I want to know the answers to these questions that I'm going to ask you. And I don't want you to leave anything out. You can't lie to me. You've already messed up. Like there's nothing that you can do to save yourself here. So I had found out that it had been going on for about like almost two months. So it was not just a one time thing, it was on multiple occasions. And it had happened both in our house and out of the house. It had happened while we were all in the house and she had admitted to. So remember when I said I got my wisdom teeth out and I was being taken care of and I was, you know, on the couch and all that stuff. The way that our house was set up, we had an open like space where our living room and our kitchen was. So there wasn't like a separation. And I was on the couch and I was laying facing the other way so I couldn't see them behind me in the kitchen. And during this time when they were taking care of me, she admitted to touching him and kissing him behind me while I'm on the couch. I mean literally like a couple feet behind me. I have no idea any of this was going on. I found out that it had happened. You know, literally he would leave my room, say goodnight and send his way or he would be sent out and on his way out, he would, you know, meet her at a location in my house and see her and stuff would happen. Nobody would be home and he would come over.
- [93:24]
B
Was he a virgin or.
- [93:25]
A
No? No.
- [93:26]
B
Okay.
- [93:26]
A
Yeah, no, he had had, I think he had had one girlfriend before this and she was older too, I think, I think she might have been a year or two older.
- [93:38]
B
And did she tell you, like, why? Did she just say, oh, I just like it?
- [93:44]
A
Yeah, I'll get into that. But yeah. There was another situation that I vividly remember. Like looking back on this, I'm like, oh my God, how did I not know? But I had planned to meet him at our track because I was gonna throw balls with him. He was a pitcher. So I was like, yeah, I'll play catch with you after I'm done with my run. So I'm running around the track and you can see the parking lot from the track and I see his car pull up as I'm running and I'm like, oh, that's weird. He's getting out of his car and he's changing his shorts. Why, like, why didn't she just change at home or whatever? You know, just was kind of weird. Come to find out that right before he had met me, he was with my mom. And they. She admitted that they would meet up regularly at this park not too far from our house. And, you know, they would do it in the car. And so he was literally coming from that and then coming to spend time with me, and it, like, nothing stood out to me. Like, it was like he was being weird. But, yeah, so I. I have not to this day, wanted to ask about everything and wanted to know about everything, because truthfully, I. I don't want to know. It's really obviously disgusting to me and really hard to think about, but I think what was more important to me was not necessarily what happened, but why it happened. Like you said, I've always been like a why kid? Like, ask anybody that knows me. Growing up, I was always like, why? Why? Why, why? Like, you ask my boyfriend, and he's like, I'm not Google. And I'm like, always asking these random questions like, why is it this way? But I just wanted to know why. Why did this happen? What was my role in it? And how can I, like, fix this? Like, because I've also always had that fix type of mentality where I have to fix everything. I have to take care of everything. I think part of that is because I was the oldest, and the other part of that was because I kind of had to be in this position now to where, like, I didn't have any support. So now I'm just gonna try and figure it out. And my mom's. This is my mom's reason behind it all. So she saw a therapist after this had happened, and she says that her therapist told her that she had basically a dissociative episode and that she didn't understand that what she was doing was right or the right versus wrong, what she was doing was not right. And she didn't understand that. Which I call complete on, because where does I.
- [97:03]
B
This is a good therapist.
- [97:05]
A
Yeah. Well, and just a side note, like, I ended up studying psychology in college, and I've been in therapy myself, and I know that it only works if you tell the truth. So I don't think my mom was honestly very truthful in her therapy sessions.
- [97:22]
B
She disassociating for. For two months.
- [97:24]
A
I know that. Exactly. I'm like, no.
- [97:27]
B
And while you're just laying there on the couch.
- [97:29]
A
Exactly. That's Where I was like, you know, I don't think that that's the case. So what I come to find out is that, you know, I knew about my mom's childhood. I knew about my mom's upbringing. I knew how she didn't have a mom figure in her life and that she had a lot of issues. She also didn't ever talk about her issues. We never really understood why she was the way she was. She. Aside from her, you know, neurotic exercising behavior, she had extreme OCD with cleaning. And it was so bad that, like, if we were eating, she would be so quick. If we had dropped a single crumb, she would take out, you know, the rags and the wipes and clean up around us while we're eating. She'd be vacuum and sweeping right under us as we're eating. She didn't let any shoes in the house. Like, everything had to be tidy and orderly every time we left the house. Like, she was so obsessed with cleaning. And you could tell that she had several behaviors that indicated she had ocd. So I say this with a lot of love, but you've got to be very, very messed up in order to sleep with your daughter's boyfriend. It's not just these little issues that you have or you were diagnosed with this. Like, this is her whole life piling up on her and all of her traumas that she never dressed, that came out in very deliberate behavior, behavior that she chose to do. And I just don't believe that you are not severely messed up in some way, because any other person, and you know, older women, mothers that I've told this story to any other person in that position, like, they can't even comprehend doing that to their child. You know, like, if I have a kid, if I have a daughter, I. I can't even imagine, like, even thinking about something like that happening.
- [100:02]
B
Well, there's that aspect, but even just. There's a very twisted aspect to the age difference in my exact. As well. Like, that is just. I think that on its own is something that. Like, there has to be something off there.
- [100:17]
A
Yeah.
- [100:17]
B
You know, because even if it didn't have to do with you, it's like, that's just. It's a little bit of a gap.
- [100:24]
A
And. And this is the thing. He. He turned 18 in October. And I don't know if it. I actually don't think it happened before then. But because he was 18, my mom didn't have any, I guess you could say, legal consequences, because what ended up happening was my mom was A teacher for the same school district. She was an elementary school teacher. And because she was a teacher in the school district and Em was a student of the school district, his mom reported my mom and my mom lost her job. So that was also a big issue at that time in my life. Like my mom wasn't working because of this and I think she just felt like him being younger, it was exciting. It was, you know, this younger guy making her feel good about herself, making her feel young again, making her feel seen, you know.
- [101:29]
B
Did you ever find out like who kind of like started it? Like if she kind of like I didn't.
- [101:36]
A
Okay.
- [101:38]
B
I think like it just makes you want like.
- [101:41]
A
Yeah.
- [101:41]
B
I just think even to like when you're a child, like that's scary. I feel like, to like, like you're, it's, you're taking some risks there. You know, it's like I feel like even if you get that okay. From the older party of like, okay, like let's do this. Like, I don't know, just kind of putting myself in the shoes of if I was, you know, 18 years old and a 40 year old guy was like, you know, I, I just, like, I'd be pretty nervous.
- [102:09]
A
Yeah. You know, and I can touch on that because I think I'm ready to kind of jump into the whole after effect of this all because that's what I'm like, really passionate about speaking about. So like I said, it was survival mode. From that point on until I graduated, I had the worst track season of my entire life. I was running times that like, were not that of somebody going into a Pac 12 Division 1 program. I was running slower than I did in middle school. I was so, so broken that I was not, you know, sleeping. I was not recovering, I was not eating. I would like, I just, I was falling apart by the grace of God. I somehow still, you know, survived school and had a 4.0 and graduated and all that stuff. And as graduation approached, I found that there was this incoming student athlete program at Oregon State that you could go to school at the beginning of the summer and get extra credits for your degree and you would also start practice earlier. So I'm like, okay, I'm going to sign up for that so I can get the hell out of here and never have to go back. So I signed up for that and I got into that program and it was like only a couple weeks after graduation. I had to wait to go there. So graduation rolls around and I remember, you know, graduation happens and then we're all standing outside of the. Whatever it was, the building that we graduated from. And his M's grandparents came up to me, and they kind of, like, pulled something out of their pocket in a very, like, secretive way. And it was a check. And they were, like, hiding it from other people. And they were just like, here you go. Like, nobody sees what's going on here. And they handed me a check for a hundred dollars. And they looked at me and they said, we're so sorry. And then they walked away. And I remember just standing there, like, holding that check and looking at it, and I was like, do you really think that, like, giving me money right now is gonna make me feel better about what your grandson did? Like, if that's the only reason why you gave me money, I don't want your money. Like, it was just one of those moments where I was like. Like, this just makes it worse. And so I'm, like, glad that I'm out of high school. I'm glad I'm getting out. Granted, it's not as far as I'd want to be, but I'm getting out. And when I leave for college, I am, like, liberated, you know, Like, I can finally, finally be on my own. And not even just because of what had happened, but after what had happened. I started to look at my mom for who she was, and I started to see how many things that she did for me and had influenced in me that were not healthy and that had made me into a person that truly wasn't me. She didn't really listen to the parts of me that I felt like were the real me, like, personality wise. And you didn't really have your own identity. Yeah, exactly. I had zero identity. Zero chosen identity. I had really bad anxiety growing. Growing up. I've always been very anxious, but I didn't know what anxiety was. I would get so anxious before races that I would, like, start to hyperventilate. And at one point, she thought that I had asthma and took me in to get an inhaler. And they're like, yeah, no, this is not it. She didn't want to believe that I had anxiety. And she was always just like, you got to get out of your head. You got to get out of your head. And so when I left for college and I could finally be on my own and, like, let my real self start to evolve, it was like all these things that she had buried within me just came to the surface, and I had no idea how to feel about any of it and understand it. And so I had really bad anxiety. Going into college, I hadn't really experienced much of depression at this point. That would come, like, later on when I got injured. But I just remember being so anxious all the time and so worried about, you know, what I looked like and how people perceived me. And, you know, I made friends quickly with my teammates, but, like, immediately I was just like, okay, my approach to feeling better about this is I'm just gonna forget that it ever happened and leave it back there and create a new life and move on. And so I just, you know, allowed myself to start living the life that I wanted to live. And I was hanging out with my teammates and my friends, and, you know, I was meeting a lot of new people, and I was exploring and just doing things that you do when you go to college. And because I had never experienced that level of freedom, I think I took it a little too far. And I started partying, not excessively at this point, but, like, in my head. It was, you know, a big change for me because I'd never done any of that stuff when I was in high school. Like, most of my peers had already, you know, experienced drinking and smoking and going to parties and just being a normal teenager, young adult. So when I discovered, like, how I could feel an escape from these things, I became obsessed with it. And it was like, that high, you know, that thing that I would look forward to, like, okay, I feel really shitty about myself right now, but I'm gonna go out later tonight with my friends and get dressed up and feel pretty, and we're gonna have fun and life's gonna be good. And all this time, like, I had eventually opened up to some teammates. I had even opened up to my coach, which was a huge deal for me because I felt so, like, embarrassed because he had met my parents. And I'm like, excuse me, you know, if he's going to hear this and think differently of them, you know, is he going to think differently of me? Is he going to treat me any differently? Which he didn't. I really appreciated how much he cared for me in that time in my life, but I was just so good at ignoring my problems during this time because I didn't want to face the fact that what had happened was actually, like, so damaging to me and that I needed help and I needed somebody to be there and tell me, like, brooke, you need to, like, heal from this. You need to find a way to build yourself back up from this. And I thought I was. Because I thought, oh, I'm going to college. I'm Going to be an athlete, I'm going to be doing all these things. I can finally make my own choices. Like I will be building myself back up. I'm going to meet new people, I'm going to, you know, have new relationships. I'm going to rewrite my story. Well, all I found myself in was like night after night of being in tears, wondering why I feel this way and just living in this like constant state of pity. I ended up getting hurt my freshman year and I had to red shirt, which isn't abnormal for student athletes their first year of college. But after that I had really struggled to come back from my injury and I ended up having the same injury on the other side. So I, I got a stress fracture on the head of my femur, which is the part of your like femur that inserts into your hip. And one thing I didn't know, but I learned later on is that you hold a lot of trauma in your body. And I find this so interesting. But your body holds trauma in certain places and those places typically have a meaning as to why that is being held there. And I've learned that women especially hold their trauma in their hips because it's an emotional place for them. I've done yoga classes before. I've been stretched out and I've literally been in tears because I've had so much stored there that when you release it, it just kind of all comes out. So I had hip injuries and at that point it had been, I was a sophomore at this point I hadn't competed at all. I had been hurt, my body had changed. I had hated myself like, because again I'd said like, you know, I got hurt and I got healthy. But in my mind, like I looked at myself and all I could hear was, you know, my mom in the back of my head, like, you can't run like that, you're going to be too heavy. You know, like I would see myself and I would just feel disgusting. I didn't feel like myself at all. I just hated myself. I really hated myself. I had no self esteem. I found my value in the way that other people made me feel. I was very like weak when it came to letting people take advantage of me. I wasn't like somebody that would just go sleeping around. But if the opportunity presented itself, I took it because I just felt like it was one of those like quick fixes, you know, like I'm going to feel good about myself in this moment. This person wants me, you know, this is how I am going to be seen. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. I think when you go through a situation that involves infidelity and involves people, you know, betraying your trust with physical intimacy, I think that starts to become a thing in your mind that you use as a coping mechanism to feel better about yourself. Because if it happened, and like I said, if it happened and it was because I wasn't, you know, good enough for him or whatever, like I told myself in my brain, I thought that I needed to get to a point to where I was confident in myself doing this and I was good at it and I didn't, I wouldn't have to, like, leave a situation like that knowing that, like, I, you know, wasn't good. And so, like, I made it very, I made it like a point to be that type of person. And it wasn't like I was outwardly seeking it, but I would really, like, do everything I could to make sure that, like, from a physical standpoint, I was desired. And so I was really invested in like just getting people's attention for that reason. And I thought that, you know, if I ended the night with somebody or if I, you know, had a little fling or whatever, like that meant that I was desirable, that meant that I was a good person, that meant that I was seen and that I was special. And I really felt like my value came down to my physical appearance and like, who I presented myself to be in that regard. So I ended up medically retiring from track and once I did that, I just totally full blown party girl at this point. And this is where it really kicked off. I was living with one of my good guy friends from college at the time. This episode is brought to you by LifeLock. The holidays mean more travel, more shopping, more time online, and more personal info in places that could expose you to identity theft. That's why LifeLock monitors millions of data points every second. If your identity is stolen, their US based restoration specialist will fix it, guaranteed or your money back. Get more holiday fun and less holiday worry with Lifelock. Save up to 40% in your first year. Visit lifelock.com podcast terms apply. How about some fresh out of the oven gingerbread, bright snowdrop, fresh Iowa pine and cool peppermint to put you in the holiday cleaning spirit. Made with goodness. Not a lot of nonsense, Mrs. Meyers. See what good can grow. Visit MrsMeyers.com today. And he was in a frat. And so I would hang around him and all of his frat buddies and you know, at this point, like, I'm not doing anything that I would say is, like, just crazy, like, drinking and drugs. But for me, again, like, this is all for me is somebody that was very by the book and never deviated from being, like, healthy and dedicated to doing the right thing. This was, like, a big change for me and my personality. So I was drinking, I was smoking. I was just kind of fully diving into that lifestyle. I was hooking up with people and, like, my whole existence just depended on feeling like I was desired and I felt good. And I never looked at myself in the mirror and said, like, I need help. I need to address the pain that the situation has caused. I need to address the pain that my mom has caused. I need to understand who I am, like, create my own identity. Like, none of that was on my mind at the time because I was still in the state of survival. I was trying so hard to figure out how I could feel better that I ignored all of the real problems. And all while this is going on, I'm not going home for the holidays. I'm not going home to visit. I ended up becoming best friends with one of my teammates, who is still my friend to this day. Love her. Shout out to Mikayla, but she is from where I live now. And so that was, like, what brought us together. And she'd offered for me to come stay with her during the holidays. And it ended up being, like, the greatest blessing ever, because by me going there, I was around my dad's family and I had a support system finally. And so I didn't feel so alone when it came to, like, the holidays and those things, like, with family, because family was a touchy subject for me at that point. And I didn't want to go home, but I wanted to be around family. And so I would go down to Fresno and spend time with my family down there. And my aunt, she had found out about what had happened, and she had taken me to dinner one night and she had, like, sat me down and basically told me. She's like, I know about what happened, and I want you to know that I'm here for you. And that was one of the first moments when I felt like I really had somebody who, like, was going to be there for me. And not only was it a family member, but, you know, she was. She wasn't ever really in our life. Growing up, my mom and her did not get along. My mom was very jealous of other people, like, having my dad's time and attention, which is very ironic because of what happened. But she was very possessive and so she didn't like my dad and my aunt's relationship, and we were never really close with her growing up. So when I got into college and she had approached me about what had happened, and she was like, I'm here for you. I really grabbed ahold of that, and she became like a mom to me. And to this day, my aunt is probably, like, the closest thing that I have to a mom. I would not know where I would be without her. I truly. And I don't mean this, like, lightly, I truly think I'd be dead without her. I don't know how far I would have made it, because I got really bad at some point. And so she was there for me throughout college. And even though she didn't know how bad I was struggling at the time, I think she could tell that I needed a different escape than what I was finding. And so I would go visit her, and I would go camping, and I would go hiking, and. And I would just do all these fun things with her. And it was like, you know, stuff that I wished that I could do with my mom, because every time we were together doing these things, we would talk, and we would talk about life, and we would talk about the situation. We would process my thoughts and my feelings and my emotions. And she kind of became like my therapist, but also, like my confidant. And I started opening up to her, and I felt, like, this strong bond growing between us. And I don't remember where, like, it really became clear to me, but I was like, this is what it's probably supposed to feel like between a mother and a daughter. And I've never felt like this with my mom because my aunt really saw me, and she really. She cared about who I was and what was going to be best for me. And she did everything she could to help me get out of these really dark seasons of my life. And she really instilled a lot of values in me that I hold to this day and really was a very, very key person in me finding my identity. So my aunt's kind of doing this stuff for me, helping me, you know, enjoy life again, I should say. And then I'm also kind of going through my little party phase and ignoring my problems. So got like, a good on this hand and the bad on this hand. And my junior year rolls around, and I'm getting to the point to where I'm just, like, getting tired. And, you know, when you start to, like, find that you're tired of feeling the way you're feeling, and you need to change. Well, it wasn't like I was thinking, I need to change to get better and, like, really heal from what had happened. I just need to change to get away from all of this, because this stuff isn't working for me. I'm still not feeling any better, so let me just, you know, go run away and do something else. And so. And that's what I've always been good at, is running away and just escaping. So the end of my junior year, I'm like, I don't want to be in Oregon. Like, I just. I need to get out. Like, I have one more year of school left, but I just. I can't stay here. So I apply for this summer school job in Maine. Totally, like, random. Like, didn't I just. I googled, like, camp counselor jobs, and I'm like, that's the furthest away from here. I'll do that. And then got the job and went to Maine for three months during the summer. And that was probably the start of me doing something that was really good for my growth and my identity. Because up until this point, I had no desire to really be far away from, like, the world that I was in. I wanted to be far away from my family and my mom. But, you know, I had made friends, and I had kind of created this little bubble that made me feel good about myself. And so it was really scary to, like, go to a completely new place across the country and do something all by myself. But it was the best thing I did for myself. And it's probably a big reason why I am the way that I am today is because I put myself in the position to be so scared and to trust myself and only myself, that I was making a decision that was for me and nobody else was deciding it. And so I went to this summer camp. I had so much fun. It was, like, one of the best summers of my life. I made some of the bestest friends that I talk to to this day. And when I come back, I'm like, you know, in my head, I feel like I'm a different person. I barely had any service that whole summer, so I was really tapping into, like, myself. And I started to, like, really come into who I am at that point and started to really be aware of who I was and my personality. And I kind of felt like I was going back to some of the things that I had found about myself in childhood before I started to really get, like, into the whole identity that my mom created. I felt like I was getting a little closer to myself. Again, I felt like I was allowing myself, myself to be a little bit more quirky and bubbly and just, you know, became more outgoing. I felt like I started to really come out of this state of pity that I was in. And so the summer camp ends, and then the fall comes. This is my senior year of college. It's 2019. Keep in mind the next year's Covid. So I had plans to go back to Corvallis after that. Well, when we were at the summer camp, we didn't make much money and I kind of blew it all afterwards when we were traveling because we, as a group, some of us who became friends, we ended up going on, like, this two week road trip after the summer camp. And it was so much fun. Like, we drove from Maine all the way, you know, through New York and back and did all these different adventures, and it was just so much fun. I love doing things like that. Like, just kind of going with the flow of things and being with friends and just being like, hey, you want to go do this? And like, just spontaneous things. So had so much fun, but blew all my money from summer camp. And so I had nothing when I came back home. And I wasn't going to be able to pay rent for the place that I had thought I was going to live at my senior year. And so I ended up having to swallow the pill of having to move back home. And since I was only 45 minutes from Corvallis, like, it wasn't that big of a deal. So if I needed to commute, I could. But I was devastated when I came back from the summer camp. I'm like, not only do I have to move back home, but I have to move back home when I'm just now finally starting to feel good about myself. Like, I'm just now starting to feel like I'm coming out of this, like, place in my life where I just hated myself and everything was going bad. You know, I'd lost my identity as a runner because I was hurt and I had to retire. I was, you know, physically I was different than I was before. I had so many things that from the past were not there about myself anymore, that I felt like if I was going home, it was just gonna, like, put me into an even worse position. And so I told myself I was like, okay, I'm just gonna stay here. I'm gonna get a job, work while I'm in school, save up money, and then move out. Like, that was my plan. I was focused. And first thing that happens when I get Back home is my brother's friend is over, and he's like, oh, my gosh, Logan or my brother. He's like, since when did your sister, like, have a glow up? Because I. I had, you know, finally matured into a woman at this point. And I probably should have known at that point not to date any of my brother's friends. But this friend that was also one of my brother's friends, he and I ended up starting to date when I got back home. And I think it was because he wanted me. And that was what I felt like I needed to feel good about myself. I don't think I actually really wanted to be in a relationship with him. I think it was just one of those things where he wants me, it makes me feel good, and it's a distraction from being at home. And he knows about my family's stories, so I don't have to explain things to him. And it was just kind of convenient for me. So I was dating this guy for a while, and when I was dating him, it was like, just emotional chaos in my brain. Like, I had so many issues with, like, every little thing. If it felt off, I would freak out and I would take it so personally. And he was also a virgin. So because he didn't want to have sex, I was like, well, like, you don't like me. Like, you know, you don't think I'm beautiful, Like, stuff like that. And that's what this whole situation really instilled in my brain was, if I am not physically desired by somebody, then what is my worth? Because this happened over sex. So clearly it was because I wasn't, you know, meeting that standard for my ex. So I have to, like, nail this now. Like, this is my. This is the most important thing to me in life, and it's what's going to keep my relationships together. And so we dated for a little bit and we ended up breaking up because he said he couldn't handle my emotions. And that was a very, very hard pill for me to swallow because at the time, I took that as I am so much of a burden that not only now do I have this, like, you know, insecurity over physical intimacy in a relationship and trusting people, but I also now have this insecurity over my emotions. And now because I have emotional problems, like, I'm also undesirable. So, like, I had these things from both sides coming at me, and I just. I just felt like I just wasn't good enough in any way, and I could no longer stand being at home at this point, Covid was happening, and everybody was, you know, online and stuff like that. And I'm like, well, you know what? I've saved up enough money. I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to go on with my life, and I can go wherever I want. So I left, and I moved a couple hours away to central Oregon, got random roommates that did not end very well, which usually, I mean, it's hit or miss. I. I've had random roommates in the past, and it's gone both directions. This situation did not go well, and I lasted maybe, like, three months out there until I had to come back home again. And at this point, I'm like, okay, I am not. I. I just. I. I can't stay at home, but I can't make it on my own right now. I was trying to apply for master degree programs. I got my bachelor. Bachelor's degree in psychology. So I went to get my master's degree in psychology, and I did it online because it's still the pandemic. So I'm like, okay, I can live anywhere, but I don't want to live at home. And I'm talking to my dad at. And I had already established, like, connections down in Fresno because of my teammate, and my dad's family was down there, and they were not in the position to support me, like, on my own. So my dad was like, well, you have two choices. He's like, you could stay here and deal with that, or you can go down there and you can live with, you know, family down there until you figure it out. So within a week of that conversation, I had my car packed, and I never looked back. I haven't lived at home since. That was 2021, I think. Yeah. Because I've been down there for three years now. So I ended up moving down to California, and that's where I've been since. And I moved in with family for a little bit and then eventually met roommates that I live with currently and, you know, got myself established and stuff. But when I moved to California, that was truly the start of me healing. I don't. I believe that there was healing along the way in the sense that I was making these mistakes and trying to figure out what was going to make me feel good in the moment and learning that that wouldn't last, and there had to be something beyond that. But it wasn't until I left, and I had total and complete independence from my family and from my mom and from that situation, because even being In Salem, like, where I'm from, I. I never went out. I hated being in public. I hated running into people from high school because everybody knew about it there. There were so many people, you know, when I'd still lived there that had approached me in almost this way. Like, they felt bad for me, and they would ask me questions, like, how are you doing? Like, is everything okay with you and your mom? And I'm like, I haven't talked to you in, like, how many years? And do you think I'm really going to tell you this right now?
- [135:31]
B
Right.
- [135:32]
A
Like, I just felt so uncomfortable, and I didn't want to live like that. And I just, again, like, running away. I just. I wanted to be away from it all. And so I started a new chapter down in California, and I moved in with my aunt for a little bit, and she really helped me figure out how to trust myself and tap into the scary, ugly parts of me that I was trying to ignore for so long. She's the one that really encouraged me to start, like, seeking things that made me tick. And she encouraged me to do stuff that interested me and really, like, instilled in me that it isn't about making, you know, my mom happy or my dad happy or other people happy. It's about what's going to make me happy and what's going to be right for Brooke. And I really grew into trusting myself and doing things that I knew were right for me. I ended up getting really into traveling. I traveled a lot once I started living in California, and it's actually what, you know, got me into the job that I have right now. I work as an event planner, and I travel, like, all the time for that job. And I don't think I could have been as eager to do this job if I hadn't started, like, discovering this part of my personality. When I moved to California and I just started doing stuff for myself, I really started taking care of myself. I was working out again and, like, enjoying physical fitness, not for, like, vanity, but just to feel good. I started to, you know, make new friends that had no idea about my story, had no idea about, you know, what had happened to me. And I just felt like I, like, had a fresh start with everything. Like, I could. Could be who I wanted to be. And the reason why I say that was more evident in California than it was when I was in college is because Oregon State was so close to home that there were still people that knew me. And this is crazy. I had a teammate that got asked on a date by a guy that played football for Oregon State. And he'd gone to my high school, and he had asked her. He had talked to her about it, and he was like, did you know this about Brooke? Or, like, I feel so bad for Brooke or something like that. And she'd brought it up to me, and I was like, what? Like. Like, it just. It was just like, I can't escape it. So it felt so good to be in an environment where I didn't have anybody that could judge me based off of.
- [138:39]
B
Separate yourself from it.
- [138:40]
A
And so I really fell into, like, a nice routine. Routine of doing things for myself and being adventurous and making friends. And, you know, I was still. I was still having struggles with my mental health, but I was getting myself a little bit more in control. And I think where it really came to a point to where I was like, okay, I've done all this stuff. Why am I not feeling better? Was when I finally moved out from living with my family and I got roommates, and I'm, like, now, you know, like, truly a young adult. Like, on my own. I'm totally independent. Like, nobody's helping me. I've got this. I felt like I had no control over my emotions and how I could react to things. And remember how I said I would take things really personally? I took things very personally. And I just remember, like, seeing all my friends have these loving relationships and these relationships with their partners and with themselves and with their family. And I was so jealous of it because I couldn't be in that position yet. And I'd always wondered, like, well, I'm doing all these things. You know, I'm. I'm, you know, making a name for myself again. I'm creating a new identity. I'm, you know, I have a master's degree now. I'm living on my own. I'm, you know, working full time. I'm happy. You know, I'm doing all these fun things. I feel good about myself. Like, why am I not getting all these things now? Like, why am I not moving forward in life and doing better? Because I wasn't actually better. I ignored all of the reasons why I was emotional, and it was because I wasn't addressing the, like, deep, deep wounds that my mom had caused and that this situation had caused. I had very bad abandonment issues. I hated. Like, if I was not chosen over another person, whether it was, like, a guy or friends or even family, like, I had, like, this immense amount of sadness if I was alone, like, I couldn't be alone. I would just Feel so sad. I had to be around people to keep my energy up. Felt like I couldn't focus. I would, like, just get foggy brains sometimes. I was just noticing all these different things that I couldn't control. And I hadn't gone to therapy at this point. I'd seen a therapist once in college. When I told my coach about what had happened, he was like, I think you should. Should see our sports psychologist. Well, I go to the sports psychologist. I tell her what happened. She's like, you know, going over the five stages of grief with me, and I'm like, I've learned this in school. I know what this stuff is. Like, I need you to tell me how I'm going to get better. Like, I want to feel better. And one thing I've learned is that it's not an overnight thing, and it's definitely not something that is linear. Healing is a major roller coaster, and it can be a lifetime. And I think it's more about the small steps that you take and recognizing, like, the small wins. So I. At this point, I felt like I hadn't, like, really, truly emotionally started to heal. And I get to this point, this was last year. And, you know, I. I just got this job that I'm currently in, so I am, like, in my dream job. I'm loving it. I have great friends. Finally. I have, you know, set boundaries with my family. I've really gotten to the point to where I'm starting to feel confident about myself. And I meet this guy that I never actually, like, dated, like, boyfriend and girlfriend, but we had been seeing each other for, like, six months or however long. And the reason why I bring up this relationship is because this was truly the turning point for me in recognizing how all of these years of the narcissism that I'd experienced from my mom and the emotional neglect that I experienced with myself, and the ways in which my perception of love and perception of relationships and what it truly means to be vulnerable, like, it all came to realization because of this relationship. And so I won't go into the details of it, because that doesn't necessarily matter, but I had found out that I was the other girl in this relationship, and it absolutely broke me. It absolutely shattered me. I was like, oh, my God, it's happening again. Like, I'm not even dating this guy, but it's happening again. Like, that feeling of, I'm not good enough. And, you know, I'm what At this point now, like, it's been seven, eight years since the thing between my mom and M. And I thought I was so far away from it. But that feeling, that feeling of, like, betrayal and your trust being broken and a violation of, like, I guess my emotions, it all came to a head. And this is when I finally looked at myself in the mirror, and I was like, I am not okay. I'm not okay to let somebody treat me like this, for this to happen. Like, I. I am not okay. So I ended up finally deciding to go to therapy, which was the greatest thing I could have ever done. And I am very stubborn, and I like to figure things out on my own. And that's kind of what I had done for so many years, is, like, I ignored the fact that I needed, like, real help and a real understanding of what was going on with me.
- [146:04]
B
I think, like, guidance.
- [146:06]
A
Yeah, guidance. And I thought, too, like, because I studied psychology, I said, oh, I'm going to do this in school so that I can understand, you know, why people are the way that they are. I can understand why my mom did what she did. I can understand why M did what he did. I can understand, you know, the effects that it's had on me. It was almost like I was just trying to do it to take care of myself. Like, I truly could have cared less about what career I went into. Which also speaks volumes to, like, having no identity. I'm like, I don't know. Just know that I want to, like, find out more about why things happen. And so I was so against therapy. Not because I didn't think it was good for you, but because I thought that I could do it on my own. I thought that I could be my own therapist or that I could, you know, lean on the support of others like my aunt or, you know, good friends that I made who knew me. Because I felt like, oh, if I go to see a therapist, like, they don't really know who I am. Like, how are they really going to help me? But I had to. At this point, I had to. I was so. Just far gone as far as, like, my anxiety went, and even, like, just waves of depression. Like, I'd experienced those throughout the years. But I think I've kind of had this delayed effect in life to where everything, like, I've run, I've been running away from, and it's, you know, caught up to me. And now I'm feeling like all the years of ignoring what I've pushed so far down and this relationship just kind of, like, exaggerated those feelings. So I went to therapy. I started, you know, seeing this amazing therapist named Amy, shout out to Amy. And she helped me understand that I did experience this emotional, you know, I guess, dysfunction with my mom growing up and that she had a lot, a lot of tendencies that, you know, somebody who has narcissism displays and like, I don't know if I would truly say that my mom is a narcissist, but I do think that she has characteristics that are similar to that of one. And just like the, the things that I didn't recognize when I was younger were not right and were not healthy and were not, you know, a mother, a normal mother daughter relationship. Like, I can't say that I ever experienced like, love from my mom and concern for like my emotional well being and even my physical well being because of all the ways that she, you know, made me believe that I had to live a certain way with running. Yeah. And so we broke down, like all of that stuff. And the second I started breaking down all of that stuff, I became instantly aware of all of the ways that I had those issues in my life. And it was just like, you know, I just started chipping away at, okay, I'm going to work on this. And once I get that down, I'm going to work on that. And it's kind of just been that process of finding out, you know, okay, here's something that I struggle with. Why do I struggle with it? How can I approach it in a healthy manner and how can I move forward with a more positive, like, way of thinking? Because I think the biggest thing for me was I felt like I couldn't love myself. And I felt like I couldn't be loved or I couldn't be worthy if I didn't have these things that were determining my worth, like being a good athlete or having a good body or being, you know, good at, like, if I'm in a relationship with someone, like being good at sex or, you know, just different things from like an outside perspective, you would think don't really matter, but to me, mattered so much because what had happened was, is that I took everything that went wrong and I said, if I don't do good at these things, then it's going to happen again. I was constantly like on edge in any relationship that I had, thinking that it was gonna maybe not obviously happen exactly the same way, but like, they were gonna cheat on me or, you know, they didn't really truly like me, they were just using me or whatever. I'd make up all these different excuses. I had such bad trust and like I said, abandonment issues and I broke down all of those things with her, and I became. Became very honest with myself, and I had to face the music. You know, I had to look at myself and say, I'm not okay. And that's really hard because I, for, you know, a lot of my life, didn't think that there was anything wrong with me. And then, you know, I have this stuff happen, and it was really hard for me to be like, I have issues, and I have issues because of what happened to me. And I also have issues because of how I handled it. Yeah. And I had to take a lot of accountability, and I had to make sure that I really committed to myself here, and I wasn't doing it for anybody but me. And as I started to, you know, go on this journey of really learning about myself and really starting to heal my emotional wounds, I started noticing that my relationships and my boundaries started to get better, and I started to feel more confident in them, and I started to feel like I could have more of a voice and I could be more true to myself, and just all the things that I was kind of looking for before, they were coming more naturally. And I wouldn't say, like, I'm, you know, obviously totally healed now, but I am sitting here right now speaking with so much more confidence in myself than I would have been able to a year ago. And I'm surprised, like, how quick a lot of the things clicked for me, because I know that it takes some people, like, years of going to therapy, and I am still continuing to do that. But it felt like it was almost, like, instantaneously. I started to feel the pieces coming together, and I started to understand why I felt so badly about myself. And I think part of the reason why I'm wanting to tell this story is because I'm finally confident enough to own what happened to me and how it affected me in a way that I want to stop letting it, like, negatively define me. I've let it negatively define me for so long, and I felt so bad about myself for it. When I know that I did nothing for it to happen. I know that it's not my fault. I know that it's not a reflection of you, a reflection of me. But I spent so long believing that, and I spent so long thinking that, you know, I could just kind of COVID up all these feelings. And I just look at it now as, like, the catalyst for me really becoming who I am. Like, I am nowhere close to who I was before, but I am so happy to be the person that I am now. And, like, so Many great things have come from this situation. I mean, like I said, I've gained, you know, a mother figure, my aunt. I've gained a mother figure in my life that I could have never, you know, imagined having such a wonderful relationship like the one that I have with my aunt. And I've done so many fun things in my life. And granted, you know, a lot of it has been because I've been trying to escape things, but the, you know, adventures that I've been on, the places that I've been to, the people that I've met, the stories that I have, like, just crazy things, you know, that my younger self would have never imagined that I would have experienced because I had such a, you know, dialed in mind that I had to do everything to appease my mom and everything to, you know, make her happy. And I truly believed that she was living through me as I was growing up and as I was, you know, going into high school and all of that stuff that happened. And I think that just goes back to how she didn't get to have that when she was younger. And I was like, a redo for her. And it, you know, obviously didn't end well in that way, but I just feel so much more secure in the way that it has affected me. And, you know, like, I'm. I'm in a relationship now, and it's the healthiest relationship that I've been in. I'm, you know, just so happy to be with him. And I've noticed, like, there have been, you know, some ups and downs as far as, like, my understanding of trust and trusting myself and communication and just all the little things that I had struggled with before. Like I said, they're all coming back together, and I'm just so happy that I was able to get to a point to where I allowed myself to finally get help and understand what I needed and understand that it's okay to break down and face the ugly parts of yourself because it's not going to get better until you do. And I just. I really hope and I really pray that one day my mom is able to get to the point to where she can do the same.
- [157:03]
B
Do you guys have a relationship today or. No?
- [157:05]
A
So, yeah, no, I'll get into that. So my parents are still married. My parents did. I don't think they really did, like, couples therapy, but I think they, like, you know, they took time to really figure out, like, what was going on between them. And I, from what I've, like, you know, asked my dad. I think a Lot of it is because my mom was so broken from her past, and she never addressed those things that it just kind of, you know, boiled over. And the behaviors that she already had, like, her, you know, little tendencies, they just were exaggerated by her, I guess, lack of confidence in herself. Like, she wasn't a very confident person. That's why she needed these external validation, like coping mechanisms, running and feeling young and all that stuff. And my parents, so they worked on their relationship, and I can confidently say that they're better than I've ever seen them, but I still have some hesitancy when I believe that they're happy. My dad is in such a better place than he was before, and I think a lot of it is because he has this nature to him that he is so unconditional in the way that he loves, that he will do everything he can to understand how he can fix it. And I think he took a lot of time to really understand my mom better, and he took a lot of time to understand himself. He started going to church again. He was doing, like, men's groups and really, like, pouring into himself and, you know, healing himself. And I think that helped him be a better husband. And. And, you know, it just. It speaks volumes to how when you're in a relationship with somebody, like, you're both bringing to the table all your baggage. So it's not a matter of, you know, not having that baggage, but how you manage it and how you, I guess, like, trust yourself with it. And my mom just never really dealt with it. And so my dad finally, like, after the situation was, like, starting to really, like, force my mom to, like, talk to him about her life. And it's crazy to me. Like, my dad said, when they got married, he had no idea, like, some of the stuff that she had been through and some of the things that she had to do to, like, raise herself and be on her own and being without a mom in her life. I am not making an excuse for her when I say this, but it is no wonder that she ended up being the way that she is, because she had no other way of understanding. And I think my dad was very patient with her. Deck your homewithlines.com DIY or let us install.
- [160:37]
B
Free design consultation free.
- [160:41]
A
Plus free samples and free shipping. Head to blinds.com now for up to 40% off select styles plus a free professional measure. Rules and restrictions may apply. We're to eat a t. You're listening to an app at PC Game Pass. Want new games on day one? Like Indiana Jones in the Great Circle, how about living out your Sims life with EA Play? We Talking high quality PC games, all for one low monthly price? We got you. Learn more at Xbox.com PCGame Pass or click the banner Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. Available December 9, 2024. Game catalog varies by region and over time. Okay, that's the ad. You can go back to doing whatever you were doing now after this situation, because he really wanted her to, you know, heal and fix those parts about herself, which hasn't really happened yet. But I think their relationship has gotten better. And now that all three of us are out of the house, I think that's allowed them to have more time to, you know, be with each other. And my dad told me, because I had addressed, you know, I was like, a couple years after the fact, I'm like, why did you choose to stay with Mom? And he said that when he got married, he made a vow and he said, you know, for better or for worse, all that stuff that I think nowadays we don't take as seriously. And so I really admired my dad when he said that. And he was like, when you really love somebody, and he's like, I love your mom. I know that she really fucked up, but I love your mom and I am going to do whatever I can to stay committed to her. And even if my dad isn't happy, ultimately, it really, really stood out to me that he had that level of commitment to my mom. And that's like, that's like the blueprint, you know, like, we all want somebody that is gonna love us like that. So I've learned a lot about what it means to unconditionally love somebody through my dad. And God forbid, like, you know, this happens in my own relationship, like, me doing something that bad. But I just think to myself, I think that's what it, like, truly means. To be in a relationship with somebody is to forgive them and to love them, you know, from their best self to their worst self. And he's taught me a lot about forgiveness, and he's taught me a lot about just giving people grace. And I went through a lot of ups and downs, you know, between 2015 and now where I would not talk to my mom, and then I would talk to my mom. Like, I said, I didn't come home for like three years, like, to stay there, and I would barely see my parents. My dad would usually come down and visit me on his own. And when I was around my mom, I would say, like, very few words. I would not text her. I Would not call her, like, nothing. I wouldn't, like, have her blocked and stuff, but I just didn't want anything to do with her. And then when I would have periods in my life where I was doing better and I felt, you know, a little bit more sure of myself, I would be a little bit more open, you know, so I'd agree to go on a trip with my family, or I would spend the night over there if I was visiting, or I would, you know, respond to her texts or stuff like that. And it would obviously be very uncomfortable, but it was like, okay, I'm gonna do what I can to just kind of, like, make this a little bit normal again. Well, not normal, but just I could tolerate it. And I think it. It's really sad because I want. I want to have a relationship with my mom, but I don't think that it is something that I want until she is able to truly understand the effects that she's had on me and my family. Because I went through all of my stuff. And all while that was happening, my brother was really going through a hard time. He attempted suicide. He overdosed, and he had, like, actually flatlined at one point. And when I had visited my brother when he was in the hospital, I was so devastated because I'm like, this is because of Mom. Like, this is because of all the crap that he's experienced and not been able to process, and now, like, look at where it's got him, you know? And I just. I felt so, like, guilty, too, because I wasn't there for him, because I was going through my own stuff. And like, I said, my sister, she was always, like, very angry, so she was, you know, coming at my mom with a lot of hatred. And I. I never saw her, like, really, truly, like, try to, like, fix things. It was just like, you know, why can't we all just forget about what happened and moved on? I know I made a mistake. I said I'm sorry type of thing, and I'm like, Like, this is not something that Asari can fix. In fact, I could care less about a sorry. I want you to, like, fix yourself. I want you to get better so that, like, this. Like, just. This will get better if you get better, but it will never get better if you don't get better, because you are ignoring, like, what the effects actually have been. When I went home for Christmas this past year, I was at a bar, and I saw Em for the first time in all these years. And when I had gone home the next day, I. I'd Woken up and I. I told my sister, and then I told my parents, and I'm like, yeah, I saw him. And my mom was just, like, silent. Like, she didn't say anything. She didn't look at me. She didn't make any comment. She didn't even say, like, you know, are you okay?
- [167:04]
B
Yeah.
- [167:05]
A
Like, how did you feel? You know, any person would, like, naturally be like, oh, my God, are you okay? But she didn't. And. And that's kind of.
- [167:16]
B
I don't think she knows what to say.
- [167:18]
A
Yeah. And that. And that's how I'm like, I'm trying to paint this picture of how she reacts to things emotionally, because she can't. Like, she had to take me to the airport. It was, like, the only person that could take me. I was not happy about it, but she took me to the airport. And it's like an hour drive to the airport from our house. And she, like. It was like she was, like, forcing the words out of her. She had to literally, like, force herself and say, I'm sorry that I didn't react to you when you said that you saw, Mr. And the only reason why she said that is because my sister blew up on her and saw how, like, you know, hard that was for me. And she, again, my sister was always the angry one. She was kind of always coming to my defense.
- [168:10]
B
Yeah.
- [168:10]
A
So she, you know, told my mom off. And she was like, you don't even care that Brooke is having a hard time right now. Like, and so she said that to me, and I just turned to her and I was like, you have no idea how hard it has been for me. And that was the first time that I really told her, like, hey, I'm fucked up because of you. Like, really bad. And she didn't have anything to say. She was just like, I'm sorry. Like, she. She can't go deeper than that. She can't ask, you know, the questions. She can't, you know, relate to the feelings and have that level of empathy that I guess most mothers naturally have. And again, I. I think it goes back to her not having her own mother there. And so that's, like, where things are at right now. I don't really have a relationship with her. I've kind of not given up on it right now, but I've just kind of put it on the back burner because I've noticed that when I have boundaries with my family and specifically my mom, and I keep a distance to where if I'm around her, I can be Cordial. It's not enjoyable, but I can be cordial and for the sake of, like, the rest of my family, you know, because, you know, I want to be around my family, but she's going to be there, so I just, you know, deal with it. And then when I'm not around her, I just don't have anything to do with her. You know, I don't reach out and call or text, and she doesn't really either, because I've kind of made it clear that I don't want that. She had kind of done this for a while to where she would, like, check in on me and I would try to, like, have a relationship with her, but it just always left me feeling really just bad. Like, I just. I didn't feel like it was natural. I didn't feel like I had that bond with her. I just couldn't force myself to want to have a relationship.
- [170:21]
B
And I think that you can trust yourself to know when you're going to be ready for that. And I think too, like you said, you know, I think some, like, actions speak louder than words. So, like, I think, like you said, it's going to take her truly, you know, dealing with her own past traumas and. And her, I feel like, her history to kind of, like, go back and unravel and self reflect and really, truly heal from her own things in order to truly understand what you've gone through and how you feel and kind of rebuild, or not even rebuild, but almost build a new relationship with you down the road. Yeah, but, you know, I don't think it's anything that should be forced. I think it should be something that, you know, within yourself, you know what those boundaries are and, you know, when you're going to be ready and comfortable. And until then, you know, you just. You do what you have to do for yourself and for your family.
- [171:12]
A
Yeah. And that's what I tell people, like, I guess to kind of wrap things up. You know, I'm still on this journey of really, like, fully feeling like I've healed and moved on. I don't think I will ever truly lose the scars that I've, you know, gotten from her and that situation. But I've learned to make peace with a lot of things. I've learned to accept a lot of things and find the positives in them and really turn, like, a lot of the things that have happened to me into, like, just, you know, blessings and finding the reasons why they had to happen and just changing the narrative and not letting it control my identity. And how I feel about myself. And I think that's, like, probably the main message that I want to share is no matter what has happened to you, no matter how people have treated you, no matter how hurt you've been in your life, I truly believe in the power of healing when you allow yourself to heal. And until you get to that point where you are able to face the music and be vulnerable enough to say, I'm not okay, and these are the things I need to do to get better, it's gonna be a hard battle to fight. And I fought that battle for a long time. And so I just wanna say, like, it does take a lot of courage to open up about things that, you know, have really hurt you and to trust others again and to feel secure in yourself again. But I promise that, like, the second you start doing that work, it just feels so much better. You just. You feel so much more at peace with what has happened to you, and you don't let it define you as much. You don't let it be the, you know, driving force and why you make decisions in your life. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for what I've been through and. And all of the stupid mistakes that I've made in between. Because, I mean, I've left out a lot of, like, things that.
- [173:37]
B
It's all part of the experience and.
- [173:39]
A
The journey, you know, And I think, too, like, just being able to talk about it and to say, like, this is what happened, and I've, you know, faced hardship, and this is where I'm at now, it makes me look at the future and say, okay, like, if I can get through this, then I can get through anything. You know, I've been through other really hard situations since then that have really left me traumatized. And I almost kind of laugh when I think about them because I'm like, that wasn't even nearly as bad. And I think about it, but we're very resilient, like humans. People are very resilient. And it's. If we allow ourselves to be, then, I mean, the sky's the limit with how, like, far you can go. And I. I never thought that I would be in the positions that I found myself to be in with the ways that I've felt and how low I've been in life. But I am so glad that I've experienced those lows because I have such a great appreciation for the highs now. And I think it's just all a part of life, and it's all A part of understanding who you are. And if you lean into it, then you're gonna get the best results. And even though I've just started to, you know, do that in the last year or two, like I said, it was, like, almost instantaneous. I.
- [175:08]
B
You just needed, like, the tools.
- [175:09]
A
Yeah, yeah. And. And like you said, I think everybody has that time where they're like, okay, I'm ready to begin, you know, figuring this out. And it's up to me on, you know, how I want this to look and the boundaries that I set and all that stuff. So I think with anything in life, things are going to happen when they're meant to happen. And the timing of everything is. You know, I don't believe anything is necessarily a coincidence. I think things happen for a reason. And I think that I had to go through all those years of being lost and feeling hurt and alone and, you know, the way that I was raised with a mom like that, I think it has made me so much better of a person and so much more, like, full of love for life than if I would have not gone through those things. So I wouldn't have been able to say that, you know, in years past, but I can definitely say that now.
- [176:16]
B
And I think it's amazing that you're able to sit here and speak about it, because it, you know, like you said at one point, it was something that I feel like you probably wanted to erase and you wanted hidden. So now the fact that you're able to sit down and confront it and talk about it as part of your experience in this lifetime and your journey, I think that that says a lot about your growth and your healing as a whole as well, you know, and like you said, we're never really done healing. You know, it's always. And you're still so young, you're going to find even more things about yourself. Like, we're always evolving and changing. But, you know, at this point now, it's like you're able to have the boundaries that you have set in place for yourself and with your family and, you know, your relationships. And I think that you're. It's only going up from here. You know, there's always going to be days that I think we can look back on certain situations that we've been through and get upset or still wonder why or have anger, resentment towards it. But I think it's kind of how we learn to cope with it and come out of it and have an appreciation of where we are today and how we've gotten through it and kind of give ourselves that pat on the back of like, okay, well, this is where I am now. This is the work that I've put in to get to where I am now. And we're just always growing and that's important. And I think that your story touches a lot on, you know, somebody doesn't have to go through exactly what you went through to know the feelings of betrayal and hurt and a tough relationship with a mother and control and so many different aspects that I think your story touches on. And, you know, that's what I say the importance of the show is, is somebody doesn't need to have your exact experience to relate and to really understand what you're going through and what you felt. So many people have felt that way before too, and in different ways in different situations. But it's tough. And it takes a lot of, I would say, a lot of understanding and self work to really unravel and go back in time and think like, you know, you. When you got to where you were of those dark points, it's almost like you had to go backwards with therapy to kind of unravel and think like, okay, I feel this way, but let's go back and see why I feel this way. And then to work through it and. And kind of overcome it.
- [178:28]
A
Yeah.
- [178:29]
B
Which isn't easy.
- [178:30]
A
Yeah, but it's not easy. But it's so worth it. It is.
- [178:35]
B
Therapy is important. Very.
- [178:36]
A
I, I used to be like, so stubborn and like, totally against it. But if anybody is considering therapy, just do it.
- [178:46]
B
Because I agree it doesn't mean that something's wrong with you. Everybody, they say it helps.
- [178:51]
A
Therapists need therapy.
- [178:52]
B
Everybody needs therapy. I think it's always good to have that unbiased opinion and someone to just talk to and like I said, just help you learn the right tools and kind of, I feel like therapy allows you to, I think, dive into parts of yourself and your past that you didn't even really know that still kind of like linger in your mind. And I think it kind of makes you tap into a understanding and a realization of who you are deep down that, you know, in our everyday conscious life, we're not really thinking about because life is so fast.
- [179:24]
A
Oh yeah.
- [179:25]
B
Everything is happening around us. We don't really have time to just sit and kind of evaluate and analyze. And I think therapy allows us to really give ourselves that time, even if it's just an hour. You know, we're able to really just hear someone else's professional opinion about the things that we've been through and it can be very, very life changing and helpful. So.
- [179:46]
A
Absolutely.
- [179:47]
B
But you did amazing. You should be really proud of yourself.
- [179:50]
A
Thank you.
- [179:51]
B
Of course, I appreciate it and thank you for wanting to come on here and share your story on this platform. It means so much to me and you know, like I said, it. It is going to touch a lot of people that have gone through just those different feelings or emotions in life. And a lot of people go through it, a lot of people feel it. I mean, I. Betrayal is not easy. And even like the cheating aspect and it. It's a lot, it's tough. So I can. I can't imagine, you know, but like I said, you're still young, you have a whole life ahead of you and you're still learning. All of us are still learning. But amazing job.
- [180:26]
A
Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. And like I said, I think what you do is incredible. And I really hope that something I said today, you know, affects at least one person and they feel like they're heard and they can relate.
- [180:42]
B
So it absolutely will. Don't worry.
- [180:44]
A
Yeah.
- [180:44]
B
I think sometimes it's not always about the specific details, but like you said, the story as a whole and why you're here now and what your message is behind everything and your journey, I mean, your. Your journey as a whole and to be able to even trust after that in relationships really is not easy. There. There's a lot of bitterness that a lot of people. People hold on to. You know, we go. When we go through different things in life, I think it's very easy to feel anger rather than to feel forgiveness and even to kind of confront our own fears. And I think to be able to kind of look past that and be able to trust again and take, I feel like, not responsibility, but kind of like you were saying about the emotion thing. You know, you. Everybody's gonna deal with things differently and feel emotions and react differently because of what we've been through. So I think the fact that you're able to be very aware of that and honest with yourself and with others is, Is key because, you know, that's the way that you're going to be able to set boundaries in the future, form healthy relationships. And like you said, now you're in, you know, the healthiest relationship you've been in and you're happy and you deserve to be happy. And no one deserves to let the past or what's happened to them prevent them or define them from anything good that the future has to hold.
- [182:05]
A
Absolutely. And I do think for a long time, I created this narrative that because of what happened to me, I. I didn't deserve, you know, those good things that I saw everybody else getting. And, you know, why couldn't I get that? But it's not about, you know, deserving them. We all deserve love, and we all deserve healthy relationships and all those things, but it really does come down to, like, ourself. And it starts there. It always starts here. And I think that is the place that everybody has to start, no matter what they're going through. So I agree.
- [182:49]
B
An amazing job.
- [182:50]
A
Thank you. Thank you.
- [182:51]
B
You did so good.