My Mother Married My Rapist

Summary

WE’RE ALL INSANE PODCAST
Host: Devorah Roloff
Episode: My Mother Married My Rapist
Date: July 12, 2026

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Episode Overview

This deeply raw and unfiltered episode features a survivor (unnamed) sharing their harrowing story of childhood sexual abuse perpetrated by their stepfather and the generational trauma and betrayal compounded by their mother’s complicity. The survivor walks listeners through memories dating back to age five, the complex family dynamics, the experience of coming forward and being blamed by their family, and ultimately, the path toward healing, therapy, and found family. Themes of survival, parentification, guilt, shame, and the lifelong impact of trauma are explored with brutal honesty, compassion, and vulnerability.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Early Childhood, Family Structure & First Memories of Abuse

[00:57-04:04]

• Abuse began as early as age five, perpetrated by stepfather who the survivor believed was their biological dad until age 16.
• Lived with mother, stepfather, and (half-)sister, the abuser’s biological child.
• First vivid abuse memory: an incident in a work truck at age 5 (“He asked me to lift the sock up to see what’s underneath, and I remember in that moment being like, no.” [03:04])
• Family immigrated from Mexico to California, then to New Jersey.
• Survivor recalls constant exposure and grooming throughout early childhood.

Escalation of Abuse, Grooming, and Emotional Manipulation

[03:46-09:58]

• “Light grooming” continued between ages 5 and 8-9; vivid assault at 8 or 9 connected to a family party, survivor recounts auditory triggers and long-term aversion: “To this day, I don’t think I’ve ever had a lollipop. Like, I don’t eat lollipops or like popsicles.” [06:22]
• Ongoing tactics: conditioned by stepfather’s repeated threats (“If you don’t do what I ask you, you’ll get nothing in life. Like, you need me to survive.” [07:03])
• Strong feelings of disgust from an early age, internalized materialism as part of the manipulation dynamic.

Family Denial and Complicity

[14:05-18:56]

• Survivor describes mother’s consistent lack of care, blatant favoritism toward younger sister.
• When abuse was finally disclosed at age 16, family’s immediate reaction was blame and shame (“Everyone blamed me. Like, no one protected me. No one took my side. It was, you did this. You antagonized him.” [14:46])
• Therapist/host reinforces: “Blaming—it is never a child’s fault. A child does not know. And obviously I know your therapist, I'm sure, has told you that.” [15:20]
• The survivor’s mother had previously ignored warnings about the stepfather from her own sisters—a pattern of generational suppression and denial.

Direct Disclosures, Abuse Timeline, and Systemic Failures

[19:49-31:34]

• Abuse escalated from oral and touching to rape at age 14; stepfather bargained sex for material goods (a cell phone).
• After disclosing to an older girlfriend, the survivor’s story reached a guidance counselor, sparking a lengthy, traumatic law enforcement intervention entirely without family support.
  • “I was there [police station] for 14 hours just going through everything by myself, which I don’t even know at this point, thinking back on it…if that was legal.” [28:38]
• Mother harshly punished the survivor after disclosure, demanding she recant, culminating in the abuser’s release and the family’s continued denial.

Mother Wound, Ongoing Betrayal, and Cultural Context

[39:22-54:25]

• Survivor identifies the “mother wound” as most profound: “My therapist believes that my mother was worse than my father because she had an obligation to protect me and she didn’t.” [45:42]
• Describes feeling invisible (“I would physically watch her hug my sister…It was me, it was just like, disgust, like, why are you next to me?” [44:01])
• Host points out: “I think she probably didn’t want to be close to you because she viewed you as a competition. And that’s disgusting.” [46:13]
• Survivor recounts mother’s own perversion—exposing the survivor to her sexual activity (“She’s getting railed by this guy and he’s asking me to look at them, and she’s just there.” [50:49])
• Conflicting cultural norms, pressure to uphold family image, and material success as a means for silencing truth.

Attempts to Heal and Break the Cycle

[62:53-71:01]

• Survivor escaped at 19 with help from a supportive girlfriend and her family: “That’s how I got away. I never went back.” [82:12]
• Mother and family continued to blame; mother later married the abuser.
• Therapy began at 22; survivor now married, helping raise stepchildren: “Now I have stepkids, and I cannot—it doesn’t make sense to me.” [51:38]
• Ongoing struggle with guilt, maintaining limited contact with mother/sister out of residual longing for approval and fear of “hurting her feelings.” (“I want her to know fully to the extent of my pain.” [54:34])
• Therapist/host emphasizes boundaries, self-prioritization, and the validation that comes with breaking the family cycle: “Blood does not mean everything. It does when they show up correctly. They didn’t show up correctly.” [104:02]

Legal System’s Shortfalls & Family’s Ongoing Complicity

[86:29-90:37]

• Survivor reopened the criminal case in adulthood—law enforcement validated her story but cited lack of “concrete evidence.”
• Discovery that five other family members were also abused by stepfather; all remain in contact with him.
• Step-father was granted citizenship after original charges were dropped.
• Survivor is explicitly shunned by much of her blood family (“At one point my grandma told me that she said to my mom, 'Why do you let her go driving with him?'...So then now you knew, and you said something to my mother. So then she knew, and once again, nothing was done.” [39:22])

Speaking Out & The Healing Journey

[94:53-119:25]

• Second time telling story publicly: “Like, how does it make you feel when you have sat down to sit to tell this story…does it give you any type of, like, weight lifted off, or does it feel like a part of your healing in any way?” [95:23]
• Survivor details conflicted feelings: pride in warning others, fear of being judged, and insecurity about not being believed.
  • “One of my biggest insecurities and, like, my biggest fears in life is being questioned because I have stepdaughters. Like, it's one of those irrational fears that I have.” [97:41]
• Host validates her as a cycle-breaker: “People break cycles all the time. Bad things happen to people all the time, and they make their lives better.”
• Survivor takes solace and healing in providing the loving, safe home for her stepchildren that she never received herself: “It’s so rewarding at the same time. Like, I can't—it's like bittersweet. Like, it feels so good to, like, love them unconditionally and not expect anything in return. And it’s like. But I didn’t get that.” [110:20]
• Message for other survivors: “The fact that you are able to transmute this into providing for your stepchildren, talking about it publicly to reach other people, these are all huge, huge, huge things that, like, not everyone can do.” [112:06]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Family Betrayal:
  “Everyone blamed me. Like, no one protected me…It was, you did this. You antagonized him.” ([14:46], Survivor)
• On Longing for Maternal Love:
  “I would physically watch her hug my sister…It was me, it was just like, disgust. Like, why are you next to me?” ([44:01], Survivor)
• Reflecting on Healing:
  “I think raising…helping my wife raise the kids gives me, like, value. Like, makes me feel of use. Like, when I felt absolutely nothing those times that I was raped…and just to just be left there on my own…” ([119:39], Survivor)
• On Cycles of Abuse:
  “My therapist says it's one of my biggest wounds. Like, the mother wound, it's obviously way bigger than his because it's completely different.” ([47:35], Survivor)
• Host’s Validation:
  “Blood does not mean everything. It does when they show up correctly. They didn’t show up correctly.” ([104:02], Interviewer/Therapist)
• On Stepfather's Return:
  “He apologized. He acknowledged what he did to me. He was cooking. Like, he was talking about the Bible…So I'm like, my life is perfect…And then that night…he starts to take my pants off. And I was just like…now we're going back to this.” ([67:00-78:05], Survivor)
• Ultimate Betrayal:
  “All I had was three months of no–like, I had a father. For the first time in my life, I had a father. And now…this is over.” ([77:39], Survivor)
• On Ongoing Healing:
  “It’s so incredibly painful to do, but it’s so rewarding at the same time.” ([110:20], Survivor)
• Support & Encouragement:
  “You’re doing the work and that’s all that matters.” ([59:31], Interviewer/Therapist)
• On Reclaiming Value:
  “At what age do we really, like, figure who we are out? …when you’re groomed and ingrained…that you have no value, you’re worth nothing unless you let me do this to you…now…you’re rewiring your brain and telling yourself otherwise.” ([120:10], Interviewer/Therapist)

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Important Timestamps

• [00:57] – Survivor’s earliest memory of abuse
• [03:15] – First vivid oral assault memory at age 8/9
• [06:52] – Survivor names feelings of disgust, coercive threats
• [14:05] – Account of being raped while sick as a teenager
• [14:46] – Fallout after disclosure: blame and isolation
• [22:58] – Rape at 14 tied to promise of a cell phone
• [28:38] – Survivor recounts 14 hours alone with police/child services
• [45:42] – Discussion of the “mother wound” as profound betrayal
• [51:38] – Survivor on step-parenting and cycle-breaking
• [67:00] – Stepfather returns home after jail; manipulates survivor again
• [77:39] – Survivor recounts profound betrayal as abuse resumes
• [82:12] – Survivor details physical escape from family home
• [86:29] – Opening a new criminal case as an adult; details systemic failure
• [94:53] – Processing public vulnerability, motivations for telling one’s story
• [112:06] – Host reflects on the power of trauma survivors sharing their stories
• [119:39] – Survivor on healing through building new family
• [120:10] – Reflection on lifelong impact of emotional abuse and devaluation

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Takeaways & Closing Reflection

This episode is a harrowing but ultimately hopeful depiction of enduring trauma, generational complicity, and the ongoing journey toward healing. The survivor’s courage in sharing their story—despite repeated betrayals and systemic failures—offers validation to countless listeners who may have experienced similar silencing. Through therapy, chosen family, and breaking cycles, the survivor reclaims agency, demonstrating that while deep wounds may never fully close, resilience, self-love, and new beginnings are possible.

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If you or someone you know has a story that needs to be heard, contact the podcast via [e-mail] or visit the provided submission form.

Transcript

[Survivor]

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[Survivor]

From as long as I can remember, my earliest memory, I was like 5 years old is when the sexual abuse started with my stepfather. I am now 32, so my abuse started when I was 5 and it ended when I was 18, 19. And that it ended because I physically had to remove myself from the home. Otherwise it just, I have no idea. I literally have no idea how, like, because I was obviously groomed into this lifestyle. So I always think about, like, would I be like in my 20s and it would still be happening? Or like, I don't know.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So what were the family dynamics? Were you, was it your mom there? Do you have any siblings?

[Survivor]

In my household, it was my mother, my stepfather, and my little sister. She's five years, like four and a half years younger than me. That is her biological dad.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

I didn't know he wasn't my dad till I was like 16. I don't know why they kept it a secret.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So you didn't have a relationship with your biological father?

[Survivor]

No, I've never met him, have no idea who he is.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

So my family is from Mexico. So when I was born, we moved to California, like the state of California when I was like a few months old. So I like, literally never step foot in Mexico. And then my mom got with my sister's dad and then five years later she was born and we were still in California. And that's. I remember my first memory there of the abuse. We were in his work truck and it was like those old trucks, like in the 90s where it's just like, it's one seat and then basically the bag was like his tools. So, like the bits and pieces that I Remember from that moment, they must have. My mom and my dad must have done stuff. And I was in the passenger, because when we. I don't even know where we were. My mom got out to like get him something to clean himself off. And he was just sitting there with like a sock just covering him. And he looked over at me and he asked me to like, lift it, lift the sock up to see what's underneath. And I remember in that moment being like, no.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

So I didn't. But like, that's. That's the first memory that I have. And so I must have been like five or. Yeah, because my sister was born at that point. And then we moved to New Jersey and that's basically where I was raised my whole life until I met my wife and I moved. So the abuse continued, obviously.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So the first experience was in the truck and it was him kind of, I guess, introducing like, oh, lift it. Look.

[Survivor]

Right.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then do you remember when the next experience happened and was it escalated from that first one?

[Survivor]

The next memory that I have, I was 8 or 9 years old. But I know that in between being 5 and then being 8 or 9, abuse was happening.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

Like light grooming, you know, touching. And to get to this vivid memory that I have and I. I had to been eight or nine because it was my sister's little birthday at our house, where in the house that we lived in Jersey we moved in. It was like, I don't even know what you call it, like a mother in law suite where we lived upstairs, the four of us. And then my grandparents lived downstairs with my aunts and uncles, like my mom's siblings. And so we were like a. A tight knit family, like all of us. And. But in this memory, I was like either 8 or 9 and my mom was throwing my sister a party and we had like a really big yard and that's what we threw. That's what we had, like barbecues and, you know, get togethers. And this memory that I remember very, very vividly, my stepdad asked me to go upstairs to the house while everyone was out. Like, my mom was setting up stuff outside and getting the party ready and he was like, oh, let's go upstairs to get like cups or utensils or something. And I went with him and then we went to his bedroom and his bedroom window is right above his bed and you can see the entire backyard from at that window. So he had like a perfect view of everything, you know, so that was like his perfect opportunity. Like I could do something and I Can also make sure, you know, that I have my eyes on everything. So I remember him telling me to get on the bed with him. And then he told me that it was now time. Like, I was old enough, it was time for me to give him oral. I. I remember being so, like, alarmed that this was happening while people were outside and there was a party, and, like, my. My mom was out there, and, like, people who would. I would think would protect me are literally outside, but they're. They have no idea what's happening. So I just remember him telling, like, trying to coach me into it. There's one, like, this one sentence that he said was, like, pretend it's like a lollipop or something like that. And I literally just connected the dots, like, not that long ago when I was typing. To this day, I don't think I've ever had a lollipop. Like, I don't eat lollipops or, like, popsicles. Like, I. I mean, it must have been because of that, but I don't remember. I must have, like, dissociated or blacked out or my tiny little brain was trying to protect me that I don't remember performing oral. It was just like, the memory ends there, but I know it must have happened.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Do you remember feeling scared?

[Survivor]

I think from as early as I can remember, I feel. I have always felt, like, disgust.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

Always.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Did you have a fear of what would happen if you didn't do it?

[Survivor]

Oh, yeah. From as long as I can remember, he would always say to me, like, if you don't do what I ask you, you'll get nothing in life. Like, you need me to survive. And, like, if. If you don't have me, you have nothing. And he raised us to be very materialistic. And he had money, so our family was, like, we were fine. So little by little, I picked up that if I need. If I, like, wanted to be part of the family or, like, be his daughter, that I had to be exactly who needed me to be, you know, be his little, like, just grew me the way that he wanted to.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Do you think that he abused his biological daughter?

[Survivor]

I have no idea. I can't, sir. Like, from what I know from, like, my therapist, like, telling me statistics and everything, it's like, you had to. But my sister, to this day, swears that it never happened ever. And I remember asking him when I was younger, like, I was a teenager, and I remember asking him, like, do you do this to my sister? And he was just like, no. He was, like, appalled. Like, almost like Disgusted that I even asked that. And he. I remember him answering me, like, no, she's my kid. And I remember thinking like, I'm your kid, right? Because when he was there when I was born. So, like, to me, like, I. I looked at him like my father, especially because I didn't know he until I was 16. So. And. And the way he raised me, like, I was like, yeah, this is dad. When he answered like that, like, no, she's my kid. I was just like, okay. So, like, that made me feel like something was off with me. Like, what about. What do you mean? Like, it's hurtful. Especially because he always. From even a little. Like, and I was little, he would always tell me, like, I'm his little girl. Like, I'm like, you're my everything. And as I got older, he would hint that I wasn't his kid. Like, he would say stuff like, well, you're not my blood, really. And whenever I would try to be like, are you talk.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

What do you.

[Survivor]

What do you mean? He would be like, oh, well, you're too. I can't explain it to you. You're too young.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And that was something your mom didn't bring up yet.

[Survivor]

No, no. And, like, we have last names. So I would. I remember asking my mom, like, where is my last name from? And she would say, oh, it's from your grandma. I'm like, okay, that. Okay, whatever. But I mean, eventually it came out that he wasn't my dad. And that made things. That made things feel worse to me because it was like. Or not worse. Like, better. Like, kind of in between. Because, a, I was relieved that he's not my blood. So, like, I don't have his DNA.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, I have nothing to do with him. But also it was, like, shitty because I firmly believe in, like, nature versus nurture. And, like, I'm literally his kid. Like, to this day. Like, I have so many mannerisms that resemble him. And, like, he taught me everything that I know. And to the per. Like, to the outside world, he was the perfect man. Like, no one knew anything about the abuse until I finally came out and said something when I wanted it, not when I wanted it to end, but, like, when I was just like, I can't keep going on living this way. And that was when I was finally 16 and I finally said something. But up until then, it was weekly. It was maybe every other night. And the only time I would get a break is if I had my period. But I. Like, I had a break from my body. But he also had to receive stuff. So, like, basically I never had a break. Like. And I have this really terrible memory. I was, I don't even know, 13, 14. And my mom never cared for me if I was sick. Like, about, like, if I was sick, headache or sore throat or any illness, she could care less. If anything, it was like an inconvenience to her if I was sick. But my little sister, she babied. So, like, she would call out of work and, like, be there for her, rush to the doctors or rush it to Walgreens to get stuff. But with me, it was just like, it's always something with you. Or, like. But this one time I was really sick, and I must have stayed home from school, and I. Like, I never stayed home from school, and I. I had a fever and I was sick, and he came home on his lunch break because I was home. And then I was. I must have been, like, groggy or just so out of it because I had a fever that I was, like, in and out of sleep. And I just remember him crawling in bed and then just raping me while I was sick and him saying in my ear, like, your body feels so hot.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

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[Survivor]

And then that was like one of the moments where I felt literally just like an object. Like, it's not like if me being groomed and me being molested my whole life made me feel some type of way. It was like that moment validated. Like, you're literally nothing.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right?

[Survivor]

Like you're literally just something to him. That's it.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

And

[Survivor]

so that's like a memory that I think about almost daily. And it's something that I deal with in therapy all the time with feeling like shame and guilt. Because those are the two things that I feel more than anything is shame and guilt.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Why do you feel like you have guilt?

[Survivor]

Because I listen, I hear my mother and my grandmother's words in my head. How disgusting. And like, when all this came out eventually, when I was 16, everyone blamed me. Like, no one protected me. No one took my side. It was, you did this. You antagonized him. You.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You saw it at five years old.

[Survivor]

Yeah, when it started.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay. Do you think your mom knew?

[Survivor]

Everyone says yes, Everyone.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I mean, abuse happening every day, every other day. I mean, you're either really, really stupid and. Or you're purposefully turning a blind eye or you don't want to face it, or you don't. You may. You might think it and you don't want to believe it. You know, what, what do I know? But like, I mean, I think I know actually, like, blaming it is never a child's fault. A child does not know. And obviously I know your therapist, I'm sure, has told you that. But you know, the. So many survivors and people that have been through trauma feel guilt and shame. And I think, and that's why I always tell people, talking about it and opening up about it is so important because to carry shame and guilt around something that you had no control over and fear and everything else, and I'm sure to some degree embarrassment, you know, this is. You're. You're supposed to be your father. You know, it's like to even have the courage one day for this to come out, it's. It's scary. That's not something I don't think anybody wants to address or figure out or sort through a work through. It almost feels like it would be easier, I'm sure, to act like it never happened and keep it pushing.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, so to talk about it, I Mean, you should be damn proud of yourself, because it's not easy.

[Survivor]

I would rather put it under the rug and not.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I'm sure anybody would.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, it's not easy to have to almost relive something and go through the details of it and figure out why. How are people like this? Why did this happen? You know, and those are also answers we might never have. And it sucks. People are sick. And then to blame you. That's outrageous. Even if. My point is, is even if she didn't know, like, that's your child.

[Survivor]

I. I mean, I think that she didn't know up until a point.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

And then she decided just to pretend. Pretend not to know because her life was comfortable.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

You know, why would you want to.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Change everything?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

And. But she. She knew that he was perverted because when we were younger, like, this later came out when, like in the. When the detectives were, like, subpoenaing people and trying to get people statements, it later came out that he tried to sexually abuse my aunts, which are her sisters. And they told her, and she just was like, oh, we'll close the door at night. Or like. Or like, nothing happened after that. And I was like, I was. I was young at that point. I was maybe like five. And my aunts, they're 10 years and 15 years older than me. So, like, there were. One was in her teens, and the other one was like, maybe 19, 20. So like, for that to happen to them and then them not feel validated and then. But like, he's. To the outside, he's like a perfect man. So, like, no one want. No one will want to disrupt the family dynamic because you got touched.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

That's how. That's how they see things.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

So that's how I was raised to just put everything under the rug. Like, I can deal with this with these nightly attacks because during the day, we have a perfect family. You know what I mean? We have everything, like the cars and the house and the clothes and we have the new phones. And, like, so it's worth it. And so I think my mom. I have no idea how she lives with herself.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Because there's no way for you to be sane and know this stuff and remain with him, like, to this day, she's with him.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

I believe that maybe she found out later on. I mean, she must have. There were so many opportunities where I look back where she could have stopped it.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, she could have literally saved me, and she didn't.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then as you got older I guess let's say between 12 and 16 is when it stopped, right?

[Survivor]

Yeah, for a moment.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay. As you got older, did the abuse change?

[Survivor]

Yes. Up until he took my virginity, it was just, like, touching or, like, oral.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And what age did he take your virginity?

[Survivor]

14.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

That was like, a whole nightmare in itself, because I. Once again, like, when I was sick, and then he raped me. It was. It was literally right after that. Like, maybe a month right after that happened. But that day, I was going into my freshman year, so it was in the summer, and my. My aunt lives right next door to us, so she had, like, the big pool, and we would have the barbecues every day outside and, like, the family functions. And this was 2009. So at this point, I was begging him for a phone. I was like, I want. You know, I'm the only one in my grade that doesn't have a cell phone. Like, everyone had, like, the iPhone or some kind of phone, and I didn't have anything. And I was begging him for years for a phone, and he would. Oh. And from the time that I had asked him for a phone, he was just like, he. He made it a big deal. He was like, that's something huge. Like, if I give you that, you have to give me something. So for years, like, I put it off because I was like, no. Like, I'm okay. I don't need a phone. But at this point, I was like, I. I don't want to be a freshman and not have a phone. So. But I also. I wasn't prepared for this to happen either, because it was. I want to say, right before, like, right before school started, we had, like, a last, like, banger party. And so me and my sister and my cousins, we were all in the pool, like, all day. And then my family's, like, grilling, and they're all outside, like, drinking or whatever. And then it was getting late, so I got out of the pool, and I walked to my house to get in the shower. Well, I started walking in, and I grabbed my clothes to get in the shower. And then he slammed the door. He was right behind me. I had no idea. He was right behind me at this point. And he shoved me in my room, I think, and shut the door. And he was like. He was, like, acting, like, fast. He was like, hurry up here. But, like, we have, like, a few minutes. I'm like, what happened? Like, what do you mean? And he was just like, it's gonna happen. And I was just like, no, I'm not ready. And he was like, well, school's about to start and you want a phone, don't you? And I was just like. And I remember just at this moment, just like, everyone's outside. Here we go again. Where everyone's out there. And he wouldn't touch me or come anywhere near me. With family, it was always like at night. You know what I mean? So, like, me thinking, like, there's a party outside, like, I'm safe, like, I can go to my own house to shower, like, I'm going to be safe. You know, I wasn't, obviously.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And

[Survivor]

so I did kind of put up a fight and he just threw me on the floor. And then that was when he vaginally raped me. And so I remember laying there when he was done and a being in so much pain and also feeling like literally nothing. Like, I. Like, there's no. There's no point in life anymore. Like, this is my life. This is who I am. Just a piece to him, a piece for him to use. Like. And then from then on, like, I didn't even care about the phone. I went into, like, a deep, deep depression and I developed like, panic disorder and agoraphobia. And I was just so messed up because at that point, like, you would think that I would have been like, accustomed to all the molestation and the abuse up until that point. But, like, that rape literally just made me feel like nothing. Like, not even like, oh, I felt. I mean, I did feel gross and stuff, but it was just like, I don't know, I started to spiral. Like, there's like this. This is literally my life.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

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[Survivor]

so, I mean, eventually I got the phone and a month after that is when that situation happened. When I was sick. That would happen, like I said, weekly, all the time up until I was 16. And I feel like I had enough.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And at that point I was like, not struggling, but trying to figure out my identity. And, like, you know, in school and like, I was a freshman sophomore, and I was like, well, this is what men do. And he conditioned me that this is what men do. He would tell me, like, when you're older, guys are only going to want one thing. And is this so. I. I mean, I always had, like, crushes on boys and stuff, but, like, I was always scared to be with one.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And so he was the only person you had been with up until 16?

[Survivor]

Yes.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then you never told anybody?

[Survivor]

Nope. Not a single soul. Not even, like, my sister, like, friends, Nothing. But I started to, like, date this one girl in school who's, who was older than me. She was a senior. And so to me, that was new. That was like, this is something crazy. This is something that, like, I have to keep a secret. So I told her, like, right away, like, hey, this is happening at home. Like, I know it's not normal, but, like, has this ever happened to you? Because I was, like, confused, like, not understanding, because this is how I was raised, right? So growing up, I was always wondering, like, does this happen to people too? Like, I would look at all my classmates and be like, I wonder if something happens to them. Like, or I never looked at a father and daughter dynamic and not wander, right? Always. So I remember, like, telling her one night just like, it all came out, and she looked at me like she was horrified. And I was just like, is what right? Like, and she was like. I remember begging her, like, don't tell anyone. Like, I just I needed to tell, but, like, don't tell anyone. And we hung out that weekend. A weekend. And the next day at school, she told the guidance counselor, like, right away. Like, it wasn't. The first bell didn't even ring.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, we saw each other, got off the bus. We were like, hi. Went to homeroom, and next thing you know, I'm getting called down. We had like, a sheriff's office in my school, and they called me down to his. To his room. And then from there on, it was just like, oh, like, this is real.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, this isn't. It's not. Not normal. And that moment that, like, that situation was a whole nother trauma in itself because he. The sheriff took me to the barrack station, and then I was there for 14 hours just going through everything by myself, which I don't even know at this point, thinking back on it. I don't even know if that was legal.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like. Yeah. So I got there, like, 8:00am at school. No, 7:30. And then 8:00am and then I got to the police station, and then I remember being picked up at 10pm or 11pm by my mom. And she was furious, fuming. Like. And in that. In those hours, I was alone, you know, I was in an interrogation room. I was talking to at least, like, 10 different people, like, child protective services. And, like, so many detectives and police officers and, like, so many different women. And, like, at one point, they wanted me to go get a pap smear, which I think I denied it. Like, I was like, no. But then later on, it was like, court ordered, which I didn't. I didn't know that was a thing. So I was. It was court order for me to get a pap smear. And in the results, it showed, like, scarring and stuff. And my. Still. My mom was just, like, looking at me like, well, it's because you're a. Like, yeah, but that. That day at the barracks, like I said, it was traumatizing because, a. I was alone and repeating my story over and over again to all these people. And then.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Was there any part of you that was relieved that you were finally telling people?

[Survivor]

I was. But then I was petrified. I was so scared.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

The aftermath.

[Survivor]

Yeah, because, like, I think, like, halfway through, one of the sheriffs came in and was like, he wants to talk to you. Like, my dad. And I was just like, okay. And they gave me a phone and. And he was just like, hey, mija, what's going on? And I was just like, nothing. And he was just like, why'd you do this? And I remember saying to him, I don't know. And he was like, yeah, but why would you lie? And I was just like, I didn't lie. And he was like, yeah, you did. And he was like, now. Because at this point, the sheriffs told me that they had him in a hold until. So they picked him up from work and I guess attained them right away. And. But on the phone, he was just. The whole time guilting me and cr. I can hear him crying and. And he was just like, why? Why'd you do this? He was like, our life is over and.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right. He was just scared.

[Survivor]

Yeah. And I was, at that point, like, up until then, I was. I was feeling confident because all these, like, detectives and officers were reassuring me that I was doing the right thing. And, like, I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be safe. And they kept saying, like, don't worry, like, he's gone now. Like, he's away. So I was, like, feeling more comfortable, like, finally talking, finally releasing, you know, every. All, like, everything. And then up until when he called me and he was just like, everything changed. Like, for me, it was just like, oh, my God, what did I do?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

So then we hung up and I stayed for another few hours. I don't even know why, why they had me there for so long. And my mom finally came to pick me up at like 10 or 11 o'. Clock, and the look on her face was like, I did the worst thing in the world. She immediately was just, like, stonewalling, would not look at me, was so upset. You could tell she was crying and wouldn't say anything to me in front of the cops or anything. And then I remember the cops even looking at me, like, worried that I was going home to her. And then when we finally got in the car and we, like, pulled out of the police station, we lived literally like three minutes from the police station, too. So those three minutes was like hours, it felt like. And we. When we finally pulled into our driveway, she turned the car off and then locked the doors and was like, give me your phone. And I was like, why? And she was like, give me your phone. And I gave her my phone. And she was like, that's it. Like, you have nothing like calling to disconnect the Internet, no tv, no, you're not going to go to school. Like, basically punishing me. So then I didn't go to school for two weeks. I was a baby. They were. I had to be dropped off at different people's houses. So they can watch me. And I couldn't stay home for those two weeks. So she. Because she was like, you're not on vacation. Like, you're. This isn't a break from school. Like, so I remember the very next day, she was taking me to my grandma's house so my grandma can watch me while my mom went to work. And we passed the police barracks, and she pulled over and was sobbing hysterically and was like, we have to get him out of there. We have. He doesn't deserve to be in there. We have to get him out. And then she was looking at me, and she was like, we have to get him out. And I was just like, okay, okay. And then she, like, composed herself and then took and dropped me off at my grandma's house. And then she didn't go to work. It was like an interrogation where my grandma was there, my aunts were there, my grandpa, my uncle, like, all waiting for us to get there. And then it was all like a. All right, now we have to come up with a plan to get him out. So then my mom had to get a lawyer, and the lawyer came up with a story to recant, to take everything back. And he came up with a really good story, and it made sense. And so I had to go to court and tell everyone, basically, it was a lie. And I remember the detectives looking at me and being like, no, it's not.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

From what they told me, they were like, this is. This can't be a lie. Like, they're like, you gave so many details. You gave. He was like, your story was everything that you were telling us. Like, it. He was like, I know it's not a lie. And I was just like, I had no. Like, I felt like I had no choice because I was terrified of my mother. And she kept telling me, if I don't do this, we're going to lose the house. We're going to be homeless. We're not going to have anything. And I'm thinking at that point, like, if we do lose that, like, we can't stay with our grandparents. Like, we can't stay somewhere or, like, because she kept saying, like, my work isn't enough to pay the mortgage on this house and pay for your fancy. And, like, every. Like, the way she was, like, talking down to me. So, I mean, I did what I was told by the lawyer and by her and everyone in my family who guilted me and everyone blamed me. My grandma at one point looked at me and was like, you knew what you were doing. She was like, you were old enough, you could have said no. And I was just like, so, like, hearing those words and, like hearing my mom call me, like, dirty and a slut and nasty and just like, hearing all these words and I believed it. Yeah. And part of me kind of still does to this day. That's why, like, I'm in therapy. It's not obviously a child's fault. I'm always going to feel that, Always going to feel that shame and that disgust and that guilt because their words did, like, damage me. Like, did make an impact in my head.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

It was years and years of that same notion.

[Survivor]

Yes. Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So can't unravel all of those years in one year of therapy or even two. You know, it takes time.

[Survivor]

And I mean, especially, like, if it was the other way around and say it was like a complete 180 and everyone had my back and everyone was supportive, then obviously I feel like I would have healed and I wouldn't feel guilty and I wouldn't feel shame and

[Interviewer/Therapist]

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[Survivor]

In the Hispanic culture, you're all just like together every single day. You see each other. You like, my mom leaves work and goes straight to my grandma's house and like, hangs there for a few hours and like it. We see them on the weekends. Like, we're always together, we're always close. And like, at one point my grandma said to me that, she said to my mom, why do you let her go driving with him? Because when I turned like 15 or 16 or no, maybe like 14, he was teaching me to drive when I was like 11. And he would always take me out driving. But when, as I got older, it wasn't. It was no longer driving lessons because I already knew how to drive. So it was because he had been taking me driving since I was like 11. No one looked at it as a weird situation. But then when the, when the rape finally happened, then when he would take me out driving, it was rape. Like, every time he would take me out, I would get raped. Like, I would drive for a little bit and then he would tell me, oh, go here, go here. And then like, I thought we were just exploring places, but it was like woods or like abandoned plate. Abandoned parking lots. And then he would rape me and then we would go home. But like, I did drive. You know what I mean? So at one point my grandma told me that she. This was when she was belittling me and she was like, I even told your mother, like, why do you let her go driving with him when you know what's happening? And I remember thinking in that moment, so then you knew at that point and you didn't do anything. And then. But ill also to say that, right? So then you knew. And then you said something to my mother. So then she knew and once again, nothing was done. Yeah. So then like, everyone knows this is happening to me and no one's doing anything. And no one is. If it's not me, like, say it's like, me. What about my sister? You know what I mean? But, I mean, that's a whole nother can of worms with her.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So after the court, you said you. Everything was a lie, and then did the abuse stop for a period of time?

[Survivor]

Well, yeah, when he was gone, it stopped. He. He did get arrested. He was charged with, like, Agassol and rape and all these things and neglect. And he was gone for, like, at least. At least, like, seven months. Okay, he was gone. But.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And that was up until the court date.

[Survivor]

Like, in between. There was. There was many court dates.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Gotcha. Okay. And then at the final one, you said you just were like, no, all

[Survivor]

those court dates was because I was Rain Canton and Gotcha. The state of New Jersey didn't believe me.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

So we had to, like, keep going back. Keep going back because they firmly believed my story, right. And they didn't believe the. The recantation story. They didn't believe that part. So that's why we had to keep going to court. Okay? So that's why the process took so long. I mean, it wasn't long enough, but, like, so in. In that span of time, he was out of the house, we were fine. You know what I mean? Like, financially, it was just. But the. Those whole seven months, my mom, like, wouldn't look at me.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, wouldn't. She would make me feel like if I needed something, she was like, well, your father's gone, so who's gonna buy you that now? Or, like, meanwhile, she worked. You know, my family works. My family has money. Like, anyone could have helped, but the whole punishment was just to make me feel terrible, which worked. Those whole seven months, I felt like shit. And in those seven months, I got really bad with my anxiety and my panic disorder. And I would have panic attacks, like, every day, all day long at school. And I would. The nurse will call my mom to come get me, and then her. And then the nurse would be like, oh, she said she can't. Or like, she said to tell you that you're fine. And I would have these panic attacks, and my mom would look at me and she would just be like, why are you doing that? Or like, you're crazy. The thing. The thing about me, to them was I was the crazy one. Like, I was told I'm crazy my entire life. Like, literally those words, you're just crazy. Like, even when I was, like, a little kid, I was, like, so rambunctious and, like, hyper, and I could never sit still. And part of me wonders, like, is it because I couldn't. Like, I didn't want to sit still with my thoughts. Or maybe I was just a hyper kid, but even then it was just like, she's the problematic child. Like, she's the crazy one. She's the. The black sheep. The. Like, we just. Let's not pay attention to her. And so my sister got all the light, like, all the love, and my sister got all the affection from my mother. My mother never gave me any affection. Never. Like, she will hug me and tell me she loves me on, like, my birthday or Christmas. That's it. But I would physically watch her, like, hug my sister and be like, oh, I love you, blah, blah. And, like, be cuddly with her. And, like. And I remember just yearning for that one and that so bad. And I would, like, purposely sit on the couch next to my mom, like, so close to seeing. See if she would touch me because I would see her, like, wrap her arm around my sister or, like, caress her or like, something. It was me. It was just like, discuss, like, why are you next to me? Or like. But to this day, I feel like, this need to protect her for some reason. And I don't know why, because all these years, he was, like, the main focal point. Like, he was the monster. And so I never looked at the reality of the fact that, no, she also was a monster.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And my therapist believes that my mother was worse than my father because she had an obligation to protect me and she didn't. Like, she was supposed to be my mother and the one to be there for me. Especially if you knew something or had a inkling that maybe something was happening and you just didn't do anything. But. Yeah, it's just. It's.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

It's something that I don't think you are supposed to understand because it is not normal, you know, and that is not a reflection of you. That is solely a reflection of her. And I think that. I mean, to me, I think she probably didn't want to be close to you because she viewed you as a competition. And that's disgusting. And I don't know what. I don't know. I don't think we'll ever understand why anybody would view their child that way. But once again, it's. It's horrible, you know, and you deserved so much more from a mother and to have that experience that your sister had from her. And it's not fair. But I don't think it's something that anyone will ever understand because I don't believe that somebody. I think that somebody that acts that way is off. I Think something's wrong mentally, I don't think that. I don't. You know, I'm no doctor, but something's not right there. And I think that all you needed was protection and help and support. And to come out about something like that and not have that from a mother is extremely damaging.

[Survivor]

Yeah. My therapist says it's one of my biggest wounds. Like, the mother wound, it's obviously way bigger than his because it's completely different.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Those are two completely different types of traumas. And hurt and pain and betrayal. Because it's like you can get to a point, I think, at one way or another to be like, oh, he was sick, he had problems. Thank God we weren't blood related. Not that that makes it any better. But like you said, you have these. These separations, these things that you can kind of grasp. But, like, then I think when it comes to a mom, it's like, why was I not good enough? That's, like, thoughts I think, that we as humans have. Well, like, why. Why didn't she love me more than that? And that is something that is just so. There's a, like, the child version in you that it's just, how do you heal that, you know? Right.

[Survivor]

I don't think I ever will. Like, I drive myself crazy trying to understand so bad. Like, her. Like, I want to understand her.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I don't think you can, because I think you have your brain and then you have her brain, and her brain is not operating there. We can't understand. Like, that's like trying to understand a pedophile. You know, you can't. And it's like she has something else going on there for whatever reason. Who the fuck knows, you know? But, like. And that. That boils down to her. You know, we could say, what happened to her? What's going on with her?

[Survivor]

Why.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Why does she. So many questions. So many. I mean, I could sit here and ask a million, you know, and I do.

[Survivor]

I asked my therapist, like, oh, well, maybe she was abused. Or, like, maybe she was also being manipulated by him and groomed by him in some way to. Because obviously growing up, they both desensitize or they both try so hard to desensitize sex.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right? Like, even them doing it in front of you in the car.

[Survivor]

Yeah. And like, even before, like. Like, I literally just brought this memory up to my therapist the other day because I, like, the more I think about my mother, like. Like, I feel like I put him in a box. I'm in therapy, did the work for him. Like, he's done. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm healed. Not healed, but, like, I'm okay.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right. You're. We. We've been able to kind of sort

[Survivor]

through that a little bit now. Now it's like, now let's. We're shifting to the mother wound. And I'm realizing more and more how perverted this woman is. And right before, in that time period where we moved from California to New Jersey, my stepdad must have stayed in California for a little bit while we were in Jersey settling in, and my mom was having an affair with some rando. And this memory that I have so vividly, I was probably maybe like six at this point. She. She's getting railed by this guy and he's asking me to look at them, and she's there just like, right. Either laughing or obviously participating or. And that I'm like, that in itself is a trauma.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah, like 100. But that goes to show that I just think that there's something that goes way beyond, you know, that the situation with your stepdad and even that other guy, that there's a switch off in her brain that didn't see anything wrong with that when there is. That is absolutely horrible and disgusting. So it's like. And obviously, and I mentioned this before within my own life and on the podcast, I think we always want an answer. I think that's kind of where we get our closure. But sometimes we have to learn to heal with no answer.

[Survivor]

That's been my healing, like, journey, is trying to realize that I'm not going to get an answer.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Like, this is just who she is, obviously.

[Survivor]

But I want answers so bad.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Because I have step kids and I cannot. It doesn't make sense to me. Like, I can't. And especially because my oldest is 15. So now she's at the age where I was being raped. So when she turned. I remember when she turned 9, I was like, oof, this is when I gave oral for the first time. And then when she turned, like, 14, I was like, oof, this is when I was raped. So, like, watching her grow up is like, not like, re. Traumatizing me, but it's making me, like, see the differences.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And I'm like, this is literally a normal upbringing with my stepdaughter. And like, she's never going to know pain. She's never going to know what sexual abuse is. And like, so I'm trying to understand, like, how a man does this to a kid and, like, gets up in the morning, goes to work, you know, Literally everyone in my family loves him. Like, he's a good guy, you know, I mean, like, he would give you the shit off his back, like, if you asked him. But at night, he's obviously like, this demented human being, so.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

But I'm like, well, I think that's the issue, too, is I think another reason why you're probably seeking answers so badly is because every single person in your family is basically still cool with him taking his back. And, and I think that can create a serious confusion.

[Survivor]

Well, they're all sick.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I feel a hundred percent. There's no doubt about that.

[Survivor]

There has to be some level of sickness for you to not only, like, coexist with this man, but, like, did

[Interviewer/Therapist]

you cut them all off?

[Survivor]

Basically, yeah. I have, I don't have any. I mean, like, I talk to my mom to this day because of my guilt and, like.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And what is the relationship?

[Survivor]

It's so weird. It's so off. Like, there's always tension there, like, when she calls me or I call her or, like, the last time I talked to her was literally Mother's Day. I just texted her, happy Mother's Day. And then she was like, I love you. Every time she texts me, it's I love you. But that's something that I. It's so hard for me to just, like, cut her off. I literally have no idea why. I just can't, like, are. My literally last therapy session was like, my therapist was like, what are you scared of? And my answer was to hurt her feelings. And it's like, to the average person, they're like, hello, she hurt you. But to me, I'm like, yeah, but I, I literally have no idea why. I just, I guess I'm. I'm still in the mother wound. Heel.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah. And I think you'll get there with your own time. I don't think. I mean, we could all sit here and, like, try to grill it in you, you know, from an outside perspective, but it won't change anything.

[Survivor]

I mean, I, I, it's not that I want to cut her off. I want her to know fully to the extent of my pain.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I don't think she ever will, or

[Survivor]

I don't think she would care. And so then if that's the case, then what's the point? Like, why cut her off then? Like, what is that gonna get me?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I think because she needs to go. And I'm a huge believer and in what's in your life, even if it's a little bit here and there, it's something I think you're holding on to a part of that part of your life by her being there. I don't think she deserves to be in your life. Well, no, and I think that in a way it's protecting your peace. I think this stupid I love you texts make you question things again. It sets you right back of like, well, well, how can she say, you know, it's the questions and if she's not there and it's not a constant reminder or even a quick conversation that seems harmless, it's still there. She needs to fucking go. But that's, I, that, you know, that's just me being a disgusted, you know,

[Survivor]

a normal human being.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yes, but I think, you know, like I said, that's something that is going to be in your own time and maybe you never will, and that's fine too. There's no, there's no right or wrong. I just think that by having that person at all in your circle to any degree, even if it's a little bit, it has an influence. It has an effect.

[Survivor]

Well, it's also the part that my therapist grills in my, like, tries to grill to me that I have no self respect by maintaining a relationship with her.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I wouldn't say that.

[Survivor]

And my sister, like, I don't think

[Interviewer/Therapist]

it comes down to self respect. I think it comes down to your healing and your pain and your, your, your, your. It's the child in you. You're trying to still get that, that attention from your mom. Like you want that as the child.

[Survivor]

Mm.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I think, I think if you were to be in a situation, self respect, in my opinion, comes from present moment. If you were in a situation, somebody's disrespecting you and you choose to stay and go back and go back. I'd say, yeah, you probably don't really have a lot of self respect for yourself. I don't know, you know, who you are obviously outside of this situation, but I don't think this situation displays self respect. You are dealing with years and years of deep trauma and a child wanting to be loved and validated and supported by their mother. So I, I just think it's a completely different.

[Survivor]

Which I still hold out, like, so bad. Like, I'm, Yeah, like you said, when I get texts from her, like, I love you, or when she sends me money or it's like, it is like expectations that I know I'm, they're, they're not real. Like, everyone calls it blood money. Like her giving me blood money. And I'm. And they're. Like, take it. They're like, mario, take it. But they're like, it doesn't mean anything. It's her guilt, which I mean make. I mean, I, I firmly believe it is like her trying to. But then again, it's like the way we were raised, materialistic. Like love is nothing to them. Love is conditional. Like if you're not doing something for them, you're nothing.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

We all experience petty grievances in life.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

A bachelorette party that resulted in a runaway bridesmaid, a neighbor who has trained

[Survivor]

their dog to poo in your yard.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

An ex friend who writes a semi autobiographical book about your friend group and then kills off your character.

[Survivor]

Maybe these aren't completely relatable, but they are all petty crimes we've investigated on our podcast.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

I'm Griff, your average biracial, farm raised queer actor and retired model who's living and looking for love in Los Angeles.

[Survivor]

And I'm Kira. I'm an SNL writer, a movie writer, a comedian, and I'm the only person pettier than Griff.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Petty Crimes is a true crime comedy podcast that exclusively investigates non crimes, meaning real life, low stakes petty drama that's submitted each week by our listeners and ruled on by us.

[Survivor]

Some weeks we're joined by comedian friends like Ego Wodom, Gian Mark, Marco Seracy, Chloe Feynman, Sarah Sherman, Jeremy Colhane, Carl Tart, Lacy Mosley. But most of the time you're just stuck with us.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

If you're the type that tells your boyfriend to shh so you can eavesdrop on the tea unfolding at the table next to you, you found your people

[Survivor]

subscribe to Petty Crimes wherever you get your podcasts.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

It's one of Britain's most notorious crimes,

[Survivor]

the killing of a wealthy family at White House Farm. But I got a tip that the

[Interviewer/Therapist]

story of this famous case might be all wrong.

[Survivor]

I know there's going to be a

[Interviewer/Therapist]

twist one day, a massive twist. At every level of the criminal justice system, there's been a cover up in this case.

[Survivor]

I'm Heidi Blake. Blood Relatives is a new series from in the Dark and the New Yorker. Find it now in the in the Dark podcast feed.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So I'm,

[Survivor]

I just feel like there's just so many.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Don't put too much pressure on yourself either.

[Survivor]

Like, yeah, the mother ruined the father. And then on top of that, it's like, there's a sister wound with my sister.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And it's. The thing is, like, none of these things have timelines, you know, like there is no time that is right to sort through these things or understand them. So, like, obviously as humans, we're going to have our days where we're, like, hard on ourselves and we're like, why can't I get over this? You know what I mean? But you're doing the work by going to therapy, talking about it, coming here, talking about it. You're doing the work and that's all that matters.

[Survivor]

I feel like I was doing the work. Like, I was in it and I was healing and I was doing so good. And then a few years ago, she called me to tell me that she was marrying him. And that, like, that, like, cut me deeper than I didn't even realize it could. Yeah, because it was like, once again, right, that, like, you're choosing him.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yes, once again. And it's horrible, but it's also normal that that set you back. Just keep going. She will never look. Maybe she will. I don't think someone like that can change. Even if she did, I still don't think she deserves you at all. I don't. There's people that shouldn't be mothers, and she's one of them.

[Survivor]

Oh, yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, I don't think she deserves

[Survivor]

me just as much as I don't think my sister does either.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

But you can't worry about that. Different situations. I am a big believer, and it's okay to be selfish in certain ways in your life. And I think that in my opinion, I would focus on that aspect of healing me. You know, who am I? What do I need? What do I love? Like, and that doesn't mean you don't care for your mom or your sister. That doesn't mean you don't love them. It doesn't mean you don't have guilt, shame, whatever. Want the best, whatever it might be. You can still have all those things. But priority needs to be you. You can't think about anyone else, and that's that. I mean, we have one life to live, and you were dealt some shitty fucking cards in the beginning, you know, but you have the power now to change that for yourself, whatever that may look like. And there might be days in that, and if that looks like involving them in your life, so be it. But just make sure that you're still putting the most amount of energy that you can into yourself.

[Survivor]

I don't think I can do that. Like, give myself energy and love and also have, like, a relationship with them.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then, then that's when you have to get to that decision. Decision of, like, okay, I need to make the tough Decision of just right now. And that's the thing. Nothing has to be a forever thing. But right now, I can't talk to them. Whether that's for two weeks, two months, two years, 20 years, we'll get there. But right now, I'm making the decision to work on me and work through this. And then one day, if you bring them back in and you start to feel these weird, negative feelings creep back in, cut it off again. Because this is your life. This is not their life. And you can care about them without making it about them. This is not about them. They. You know, your mom chose her bed. She continues to choose that.

[Survivor]

Literally.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah. Continues every single day.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And, like, has she ever said sorry to you?

[Survivor]

No. To go back to when the night where I told everything to my high school girlfriend. I have no idea how it. It was literally such a coincidence that I was out with my girlfriend and I told her all of this stuff. And then I came home because we had school the next day, and it was like, I don't even. It was so weird. Not like, when I think about it, my mom was in the basement doing laundry, and she called me down and was like, do you have something to tell me? And I'm just like, mind. Mind you right now, I'm like, in that moment, my adrenaline is going because I just told my girlfriend all this stuff. So I'm like, what do you know? Like, you know? So I'm like, what? Nothing. And she's like, I. She's like, I know. You know that I know. And I'm like. And she's like. And at that moment, when she looked at me with those double eyes, I ran and this woman caught up to me, grabbed me and threw me in one of the rooms in the basement and locked the door and was like, we're not leaving until you tell me everything. And then I started crying, like.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And did you?

[Survivor]

Yeah, I told her everything. And then that was the moment that she called me a disgusting and basically said, this was all my fault. And she was like, how could you do this to me? You're my daughter. And don't you love so and so the girl that I was with. And like, don't you feel disgusted, like, doing this and then going to go hang out with her and, like, saying like, the most heinous to me. And I remember, like, I remember thinking, like, if in the moment where she was like, tell me everything. And I remember that one moment, I'm like, finally, like, you're about to save me.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, I'm about to tell you everything. You're going to be like, all right, what can we do? No, it was like, the exact opposite. And then she was like, don't say anything. I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to handle this. And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, don't worry about it, but just know that it's not going to happen again because you're going to. You're going to do your own thing, and you're going to ignore him, and you're not going to look at him. And I remember asking her, like, well, is he going to leave? Like, what's going to happen? And she's like, we'll figure it out. Like.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So when after he got out, after the seven months, you were still living at home?

[Survivor]

Yeah. Yeah. I was 16, 17, maybe.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And what age did you end up moving out?

[Survivor]

19.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So from when he got out, the abuse continued again?

[Survivor]

Yeah, it continued a few months after he was released.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Did he say anything to you?

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

When he came out, when he came home, it was like a family reunion, and everyone was there to, like, welcome him home.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And

[Survivor]

it's great. Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

And so everyone's crying. Everyone's excited. And then I'm feeling overwhelmed because this

[Interviewer/Therapist]

is awkward as what the Is happening.

[Survivor]

Yeah. So I'm, like, overwhelmed. I'm crying because everyone's crying, and everyone's excited that he's home. You know, he's finally home.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay, Meatball, do you hear this? Do you hear this? This crazy. Can I say your family or like.

[Survivor]

Yeah, no, for sure.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay, continue. So everybody's so glad that he's back. Okay.

[Survivor]

And he literally was released on a Friday night, so he has never been home on the weekend. Like, he was. He always works. You know, the only time he was home growing up was just Sundays, and that's to go to church, you know?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Good Christian man.

[Survivor]

Oh, yeah. He's a great Catholic. Like, the best. So, yeah, he worked six days a week, 50, 60 hours. And then Sunday was church day, but he was released on Friday night. And then Saturday, it was, like, awkward because everyone was home. Like, to me, it was just like, what do we do?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And I think my mom went to. My mom had left early in the morning to go do something. I literally don't know. She was gone. And I am awakened by the smell of bacon and eggs. And I'm like, okay. So then I go downstairs to the kitchen, and he's cooking, and I'm like, this man has never cooked he's the. He's the kind. Our family's the kind where you. You attend to the man. You know, he doesn't lift the finger. You give him his plate and whatever. So he was cooking, and I was just like, oh, my God. So then I sat on the counter while he's cooking, and he was just, like, talking to me and, like, about how he's reformed and jail taught him so much, and he read the Bible, like, six times in jail, and he was doing Bible studies, and he was just like, I'm a new person. I'm a new man. And he's looking at me. We're eye level because I'm sitting on the counter. So he's, like, looking at me with tears in his eyes, and I'm, like, falling for it. Because, mind you, Now I'm, like, 16, my dad's back, my family's back. He's telling me everything that I've ever wanted to hear. He's like, I just want you to know that I am so sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. And he's like, just know it's never going to happen again. Like, we're okay. Like, and then while he's trying to be, like, emotional and, like, saying all the right things, he slips in, but things aren't going to be the same anymore. And I'm like, what do you mean? He was like, I'm not going to be able to provide things for you anymore. And I'm thinking like, well, did you get fired? And he was just like, well, things have to be different. Like, if. If this isn't going to happen anymore, we're going to live a completely different life. And I'm like, okay. Like, to me, that was perfect. I was like, great. He apologized. He acknowledged what he did to me. He was cooking. Like, he was talking about the Bible. He was talking about, he's a different man. So I'm like, I'm. My life is perfect. You know what I mean? Like, the abuse is gonna stop. So then that night, my mom grabs me and him, and she's like, all right, the three of us need to talk about life moving forward. And then she looks at me and she's like, you're not going to go to him about anything. If you need anything, you go to me. If you need clothes, if you need a ride, if you need to do something, you go to me. He no longer exists to provide for you. And I was just like, okay. And then she's, like, looking at him, and she's like, you don't look at her. You don't talk to her when I'm not around. And, like, everything was so, like, yeah. So then I'm like, okay, I'm like, on cloud nine. I'm a junior now in high school, and I'm going to, like, football games every Friday night, and I'm hanging out with my friends because now I have freedom because my mom didn't give a fuck about me, so she would let me do anything. And then. So, mind you, like, now, these last seven months of him being in jail, me being free, and then he's back, and he's a completely different man. I'm, like, slowly building my confidence and, like, figuring out who I am and I guess trying to heal from the trauma. And one day I. I had rescued a kitty. Like, a little tabby cat. It was probably, like, four weeks old. And I rescued it because it was outside of my house crying next to her mom's dead body. So I don't know what happened. But. So then I rescued the kitty, and I took care of her, and then. So she became mine. And so she was my cat. And then, like, weeks later, she was, like, biting some cords, like computer cords, and must have pooped or threw up. And my dad threw a fit, and he was just like, if you don't grab that cat and take her outside, I'm gonna. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm, like, getting defensive. I'm like, this is my cat. So then I'm like, I'm yelling at him, and he's yelling at me, but he's at the kitchen table, and I'm in the living room sitting, and he starts to walk up towards me, yelling at me. And mind you, this man has never yelled. Like, he has never raised his voice. He's just. He's just like a calm. He's like a paradox. Like, he's just a calm, real. I've never seen him mad. I've never seen him yell. He's. But then he's, like, yelling at me and charging at me. And so then now he's, like, standing over me when I'm on the couch and he's yelling at me. And then I stand up to, like, confront him, because at this point, I'm not scared of him. And he slaps me across the face, and he has never, ever hit me, ever. And when he slapped me, I just remember, like, seeing red and being like, no. And I started punching him, like, as hard as I could. And at this point, I'm, like, wailing on him. And he's not. He's literally taking the punches. He's just like standing there. And it was like a surreal moment because it was like. Was he standing there because he felt like he deserved it, so he was just letting me let my anger out. And then my mom got in the middle and was like this, like, no, no, no, start screaming. And my sister's crying and my mom's crying, and I'm crying because he just slapped me. And he's crying because I'm crying. It was a shit show. So when my mom like, sep. Because at this point she was trying to separate us and I was kicking my mom to get to him. And I remember, like, I was trying to go around her to punch him in the face. And I kept hitting him and. And she was obviously catching strays. And it finally, like, she finally, like, grabbed me and like, contained me. And I remember looking at her or looking through her to look at him and being like. I remember threatening him. Like, watch now. Like, watch what's going to happen to you. Like, and he was like, terrified. And I ran into my room crying hysterical, called my grandma, like, can you come get me? My dad just hit me. And she was just like, yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. She never showed up. Literally never showed up. So, like, I was alone on my own. And I remember barricade in the door because I was so mad. And I. Because he. After I ran to my room, he followed me, apologizing, like, crying the whole time, following me. And I locked the door and barricaded it. I have no idea how he opened it, let himself in. It was just like tears running down his face, like, miha, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you. I don't know what happened. I didn't mean to hit you. I told you I will never touch you again. And I'm so sorry. And at this point, my mom is right behind him, trying to grab him, like, leave her alone, like, get out. And that was, I want to say, still maybe September when this happened, because he. He was. He was home probably like not even a few weeks when this incident occurred. So I stopped talking to him all together, wouldn't look at him, literally would pretend he wasn't in the room. Basically what my mom would do to me growing up. Like, I just did that. Like, I guess I just learned her behaviors and I pretended he wasn't there. And he would talk to me and I just wouldn't look at him. And he would be so upset that I was ignoring him. And so this happened all the way up until this. My birthday is in December, and his birthday is a few days after my birthday. So we'd always have, like, a big thing. So it was now a couple months where we're. No, like, not talking at all. I'm ignoring him, and he's still trying, and he's still crying. And we were. We left church. It was right before my birthday, so we left church. And then we're at the mall, and then he comes up to me and he, like, goes like this. He's like, do you miss me? And I was just like, no. And he was just like, oh, well, I miss you. And I don't like us fighting, and I don't like not talking to you. And he was like, I just miss my daughter. And he's crying in the middle of the mall, just crying, telling me how much he misses me. And he's like, I just want you to know that I'm really sorry. Like, I shouldn't have hit you. And I was just like, okay. And he hugs me, and I just hug him back. And then he's crying. So then I'm crying, and then my mom walks up and she's happy that we're, like, good. That we're all, like, a good, happy family again. So she's, like, tearing up, my sister's tearing up. And so I started to feel guilty. Like, I'm the one that put this, like, put a burden in. In. In the family when he was just released and everything was good again and he was a saved man, and I. I decided to be the one to make things, you know, shitty. So then I started to feel guilty because he was crying literally all the time. And then literally that same day when he hugged me and was, like, apologizing. Later that night, he came into my room, which I had, like, now it's maybe almost a year now of no abuse. So I was, like, finally feeling safe and secure in my own bedroom. He came into my room and at night, yeah. And he was just like, I've missed you all these months, and I just want you to know how much I love you and how you're still my daughter no matter what. And I'm, like, listening to him and like. Like I believed everything he said to me, like, how much he loved me and, like, how he's. Even though you're not my kid, just know that you're always be my kid and you'll always be my daughter. And so he's, like, telling me all these nice Words. And then little by little, starts reaching under the covers and then start to take. He starts to take my pants off. And I was just like. Like,

[Interviewer/Therapist]

this.

[Survivor]

Like, it was. Like, this lasted. It didn't even last long enough. Like, the. When he. Like, meaning, like, the. Like, the period of grace that I received. When he came back from jail, it was like, three months. And I'm like. Like, now we're going back to this. Like, all I had was three months of Noah. Like, I had a father. For the first time in my life, I had a father. And now we're like, now this is over.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Like, did you say anything to him as this was happening?

[Survivor]

Or it just. No, I just remember. Just literally, I froze, like, because I couldn't believe that this was happening again. Like, I literally believed him when he said he would never do this again and how sorry he was. And, like, how.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Did he say anything after he did it again? Or did he just get up and leave?

[Survivor]

No. The whole time, he's, like, at this point, taking my pants off and then raping me. He's telling me how much he loves me and how much he missed me the whole time. And then when he left, I cried. Literally, I remember crying the whole night because I couldn't. I was, like, heartbroken. Like, this is happening again. Like, And I was just like, what am I gonna do? Like, him going to jail was what I needed to feel safety. And then you came back and apologized to me and showed me for three months that you were capable of not doing this. And I believed it, and I fell for it. And then I was just. It was just, like, the ultimate betrayal.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Like, and then it was back to the normal abuse, I guess from that time until you were 19.

[Survivor]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because now at this point, I graduate high school, and I didn't. I didn't go to college. I went. I started working.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

So I graduate, obviously, in June of 2020, and the abuse is still happening. And then I met some girl at work, and we started dating. And I remember telling her, like, not right away, like, telling her, like, a little bit later, like, into the relationship. I told her everything, and she was just, like, right in that moment, she was like, that's it. She's like, you're not going back to the house? And she went to go. We. I was at her house. So I was at her family's house. And then she got up and then went to go tell her stepfather. What happened. Like, everything that I was telling her, and he was just like, all right, we'll go tomorrow and we get all her things. And so then that night, I slept with her at her house. And the very next morning, literally early as hell, it was me, her. Her cousin, her best friend, and her stepdad all in a truck going to my house to go to get all my belongings and leave. And at this point, like, my. My mom is home and my dad's home, and they have no idea what's happening. But my. My girlfriend, her. Her stepdad is like. He's like six five, huge guy. Like, tattoos everywhere, beard. He looks like a biker guy. So they're just like. They're not the type to be like, what are you doing in my house? No, they just were just literally saw us coming into the house, and they're throwing stuff out the window to his truck.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Like, I'm. I'm out.

[Survivor]

Yeah. Like, my mom finally, like, she waited till my room was clear, okay. Because they finally realized I was moving. So she, like, I. She must have been like, e. Shopping or waiting for everyone to leave. And me and my ex were in the room, and she came up to me and she's like, so you're leaving? And I was just like, yeah, like, I'm. I'm out.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

If you're a fan of true crime horror or creepy encounters, you've got to listen to Disturbed True Horror Stories. Each episode shares the terrifying experiences of real people retold by professional actors.

[Survivor]

I bit down on his hand, and

[Interviewer/Therapist]

he pulled back, but he pushed the

[Narrator/Advertiser]

knife a little harder against my sweatshirt.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I began to hear the breathing and growling of what could only come from a monster.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

Find Disturbed True Horror Stories wherever you enjoy your podcasts.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Ever feel like healthy eating is harder

[Survivor]

than it should be? I get it.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Nutrition can feel complicated, but it doesn't have to be. On Be well by Kelly. I simplify the science of nutrition so you can feel better, balance your blood sugar, and build healthy habits that actually last. Each week, I talk to leading experts, doctors, and researchers about practical ways to nourish your body and make wellness accessible in real life. Listen To Be well by Kelly wherever you get your podcasts. New episodes every Wednesday.

[Survivor]

And she looked at me, and she was just, like, shaking her head, and she was just like. I don't know what she said, but I remember saying to her, like, you're disgusting to her. And she looked at me and she said, no, you're disgusting. And I was just like, okay. And then he didn't say anything to me. He wouldn't even look at me. And, yeah, we packed a truck and I moved into her little bedroom and their house, and that's how I got away. I never went back.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then when did you start getting into therapy to kind of start getting through everything?

[Survivor]

When I moved here and found my life.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And what age was that?

[Survivor]

22.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay, so pretty soon after. Not too. Not too long after.

[Survivor]

Yeah, man. Me and that girl were dating for, like, four years, and we were just, like, trauma bonded.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Because she had her own trauma and. But, like, to this day, like, you know, I give everything to her. Like, she's the one who literally, literally saved my life.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Got you out of there.

[Survivor]

So, like, we still keep in touch, and, you know, I will love her to the day I die. And so we have a good relationship. But the reason why I also left Jersey and left her was because I'm. Like, I was still in the dysfunction. Like, I was still seeing my family every single day. Like, I would see him every day, and, like, we got back to a really, like, a relationship. Obviously, like, the abuse was not happening, but, like, he would, like, come up to me and, like, hug me and kiss me in the cheek and, like. And I remember just being like, I. I can't live here. Like, either I'm gonna kill myself or I have to physically move.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Like, not even move a town over. Like, I literally have to move miles and miles away from this darkness.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yes.

[Survivor]

Because, like, like, my ex. My ex wanted a kid so bad with me, but, like, I remember thinking, I can't have a kid. Like, and what, he's gonna hold my kid.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

Like, because in that moment or in that time frame, I was in the dysfunction. So I would. Like, that was my family. Like, I loved them. And, like, I would go to church with them, too. Like, still to that day. Like, I would always go to church with them and, like, go out with them and, you know, go over to family functions and still just be involved in the family without the abuse. But, like, that is abuse.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And so, I mean, I was made out to be, like, the crazy one who disrupted the family. Anyways, so I met my wife online, and I was like, this. This is literally my out. Like, because I. I couldn't stay there. Like, I mean. And I have a lot of guilt also when it comes to that. Like, leaving my girlfriend and leaving my family to just. But I also knew. I know for a fact that I would have killed myself. Like, there was no out. There was no. There was no light at the end of the tunnel living in that.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Lifestyle. So.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then did you and him ever Have a conversation again about the abuse or about what he did to you and how he made you feel. Do you. Does any of your family know you're here today telling your story? No. Okay.

[Survivor]

No, not at all. And when I moved to Pittsburgh and started doing therapy because my wife was like, you need help?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

She was right. She literally put me in therapy. She was like, you good? So I was, like, two, three years into therapy, and she was just like, do you want to reopen the case? Because Jersey doesn't have a state of limitation, like a statute of limitation.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Gotcha. Okay.

[Survivor]

So I was just like, okay, like, I'm in therapy. Like, I'm doing good. Like, I'm like, yeah, let's do it.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

How long ago was this?

[Survivor]

2019.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

So 2019, I reopened. I. Yeah, I reopened it and was like, hey, remember how I recanted? Yeah, that was a lie. Whatever I said the first time was true, but the recant. Well, that was a lie. And so basically, I had to do a whole deposition and literally give basically, what. My statement when I was 16. Like, redo it. And the detectives. Or this. Yeah, the detectives even said to me, like, your stories match. Like, almost identical. Yeah. From when you were 16 to. I think I was, like, 25.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

At that point when I gave my. When I reopened the case. So there were, like, once again, like, we believe you. Like, we believe that he is a pedophile. And also, they. They must have. When I reopened the case a few years ago, they were doing their own investigation and seeking out, like. Like, going to family members and trying to get people to talk. And they found at least, like, five separate family members that he was either Jerome.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Think they're liars, too.

[Survivor]

I don't. My. You know, it's up. My mom caught him one time texting one of my cousins. Like, all of my cousins were all the same age.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Like, she blames, I guess, them. Right.

[Survivor]

Yeah. Because, I mean, yeah, she's still with him. So. Yes, we. At one moment, one time, she caught him being, like, inappropriate with my cousin, and she, Like, I don't even know what happened there because I wasn't. My mom didn't tell me any of this. He did. But then later on, like, when I reopened the case, the detectives told me, yeah, we found at least, like, five other family members that he either tried.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

And I'm like. And those family members are still in touch with him.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Crazy.

[Survivor]

So. But, yeah, I reopened the case, and it was, like, maybe two years when I got one last call from the attorney in Jersey who told me that they closed the case, that there wasn't enough evidence, that they couldn't do anything. And I was just like. I remember being so upset because not only do you have my testimony. Testimony, who's basically the same as it was nine years ago, but you have these other people, right? You have more like. But they're like, yeah, but we don't have concrete evidence. Like, we need, like, literal physical evidence. And I'm like, okay, so he is a free man. And on top of all of this, he gained his citizenship because he was an innocent man in the system. So when this happened in 2000, I don't even know what year. Like, the first time, when I was 16 years old, he was illegal.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

And so he was in jail. Like, they were, like, threatening, like, to deport him. And so when I recanted and did everything and he was released, not only did he get a pardon, but he got his citizenship. So he's living a grand life to this day. Free. A free man.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Have any contact with him? Do you talk to him ever?

[Survivor]

No, I. I don't. I don't. I think. I think legally I'm not allowed to.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

And I don't want to.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Narrator/Advertiser]

But.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

So you just talked to your mom and your sister still.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And then your sister, does she believe you?

[Survivor]

I don't. I don't know if that matters because she lives at home with them, so

[Interviewer/Therapist]

she just kind of stays out of it.

[Survivor]

Yeah. She's the type to. I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know about it. I don't. Because it'll inconvenience her.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

When's the last time that you saw them?

[Survivor]

My family? I saw my sister a year ago and my mother I haven't seen in, like, five years.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay. It's been a bit.

[Survivor]

Yeah, I think so.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

Yeah. And the whole. The whole situation with my sister is so. It's like another wound that I don't.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

It's hard to navigate, that I don't.

[Survivor]

It's not like I don't want to open or I was like, I don't want to deal with it because it's like a whole nother heartbreak.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And two years ago, when we were in LA and I got the opportunity to go on soft white, I told my sister, like, I was excited. I was like, oh, my God. I just got an email from Mark and she quickly stopped me. She was like, I don't want to hear about it. I don't want to know. About it. She was like. And then. And that whole day she was stonewalling, like, literally just treating me like I did something wrong to upset her.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

So then we were in LA for a few days, and then the next day I went to go do the interview, and she was like, I don't. Like, I don't want to hear about it. I don't know about it. And so then I took the Uber drive, like, by myself for an hour to get to Mark. And then, like, if you don't want to hear about it, that's one thing. But, like, you could have been in the car with me.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Or, like, you could have waited outside with me.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Or, like, not made it seem like you're doing something wrong. Yeah.

[Survivor]

If you don't, that's fine, but, like, at least be there.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

No, the whole time she was just, like, ignoring me and basically treating me like how my mom treated me. And then I did the interview, and then when I got back to the hotel, she was a completely different. She was fine. Perfectly fine.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I'm sure they saw the interview, right?

[Survivor]

I don't know. I don't know. No, no, that was. That was two years ago. Okay. So I don't. I have no. I mean, I posted it to my socials.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Like, did any family say anything to you?

[Survivor]

Yes, I had a few. A few family members reach out to me. All of them saying, like. All saying good things. Like, I'm so sorry. Like, I couldn't believe. Like, I can't believe that happened to you. The one. My one cousin was like, I always knew he was kind of creepy and like. And then another family member was like, oh, my God, I feel so bad now. Going to their wedding. If I knew that.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

When did they get married?

[Survivor]

Two years ago.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

Like, recently.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You didn't go?

[Survivor]

No. Okay. No, no. My mom called me to ask for my blessing.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Oh, God.

[Survivor]

Not like, hey, I gotta tell you something. She was right. She was just like, miha, like, I just want to know if you support me in doing this. And I'm like, I remember I sobbed, like, the audacity.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

The nerve. The nerve.

[Survivor]

Yeah. And I remember. I remember asking her on the phone, like, why do you want to marry him? And she was just like, well, we've just been together for so long, and, you know, I think it's just time. And I was just like, okay, so they're legally married. You know, he's a abiding law citizen.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And you're still in therapy?

[Survivor]

No, I'm still in therapy.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay.

[Survivor]

How often do you go once a week?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Okay, good for you. Yeah. Do you feel. I know that obviously there's still a lot for you to heal through and work through, but do you feel like you make progress?

[Survivor]

Oh, yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Still in it. Okay.

[Survivor]

Oh, yeah. Especially when we do emdr.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And I try not to do it as much because it's awful. It's so awful. But it's literally. I literally would not be here if it wasn't for my therapist.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And it's incredible, the fact that you. So this is your second time telling your story publicly, right?

[Survivor]

Yes. Okay. Second time telling another human being.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right.

[Survivor]

Like, I haven't told. Besides my spouse. I haven't told. Or my therapist. Literally, I haven't told anyone.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Amazing. Like, and how do you feel? How does it make you feel when you have sat down to sit to tell this story, when you did it with Mark and then now being here? Does it make you feel. Does it give you any type of, like, I guess, weight lifted off, or does it feel like a part of your healing in any way? Do you. Like, what does it make you feel like?

[Survivor]

It's a lot. It's a lot of, like, pros and cons. Like, the pro is, I want my family to hear this and know that I'm not lying, that I was never lying, that he is a sick pedophile, that you should feel ashamed to let your kids around him. Like, it's not to not only let your kids around, but for you to be around him, for you to love him and care about him. And, like, that's your own sickness. And, like, also a warning to Jersey that you have a pedophile roaming your streets. Like, especially someone who is so incognito. Like, you would never know by looking at him, but, like, he's out. You know, who knows? A. If he's still doing this to someone else or even if he's doing it, like, virtually. Because I know that he was definitely, like, messing with a lot of girls online. So, like, that's one thing, but, like, so I know you're doing that virtually, but, like, are you also doing it physically? Like, who's your victim right now? Which makes me sick because I tried once again to reopen the case, and then Jersey let me down. Like, let everyone down and let him Rome. You know, let him free. And then the cons will be, like, just being looked at in a certain light, like, from my friends, from, like, my family, like, my spouse's family. Like, because I have never sat down and talked to them. Like, they Know, because of what my wife has told them or if they watched my interview. But, like, I have never sat and told them A, details or B, let alone anything. So, like, and my, like, one of my biggest insecurities and like, my biggest fears in life is being questioned because I have stepdaughters. Like, it's one of those irrational fears that I have. Like, and I talk about it in therapy because I try so hard to understand how someone can do this because I look at my kids and I'm like, there's, there's just. I, I would rather be dead. You know what I mean? Or I would literally kill someone if they ever got hurt. So, like, my biggest fear is for someone to listen to my story and like, have a doubt. Like, like, she do this because she was abused, because now can she abuse too?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I think that that's like a super validated thought to have. But also the amount of people that break cycles is there. The numbers are high, you know, and anybody that thinks that, I don't know, like, I think that's somebody that is maybe judgmental and is judging a book by its cover, I would. I mean, I hear stories every single week, multiple times a week. And that has never been a thought that's gone through my head genuinely. I mean, unless I have like a gut feeling, you know what I mean? Like, there's. We always have to listen to ourselves in our gut. But like, people break cycles all the time. Bad things happen to people all the time, and they make their lives better. They make other people's lives better. They use the bad things that have happened to them as a driving force to make a change and whatever else. So if it means anything, I wouldn't even let that be a thought in your head. And I know that's so much easier said than done, but like, as somebody that hears all these different types of stories and that's just never been even like, a thought of, like, would they do it? Like, I don't know, it's just not. And I, like I said, it's completely validated because, you know, obviously there are many people where a psychologist cycle continues or people might do something because of what happened to them, whether it's physical abuse, you know, manipulation, whatever it might be. But I just, it, it makes me sad that you would have those, that you would think people would doubt you.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

But, you know, speaking out about what's happened to you and being so vulnerable and honest to me shows the complete opposite.

[Survivor]

Well, also, like, validates me when I try to give my mom like slack by saying, oh, well, maybe like, she's perverted because something happened to her. And then my therapist cuts me off and she's like, yeah, but something bad happened to you and you didn't continue. Like, you stopped.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And even if that was the case, there's no slack to be given. And that's not to say I say that in the sense of, like, whether she. So even if something, hypothetically, even if something happened to her and she allowed it because of what happened her, there could still be something off happening here mentally where, like, she's not even. She doesn't even aware. She's not aware that it's a bad thing what she's doing or what she's allowing to happen.

[Survivor]

Well, I think she's a narcissist, whatever it is. Psychopath.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

There it. I think, like cutting slack or whatever. Like, it's not even. Remember, like, your life only is the only thing that matters.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, and I think that that's kind of where that shift should be, in my opinion would be to. And that takes time. It does. Like I said, everything. We could always give advice. It's always easier said than done. But I just feel like you are somebody. You're very sincere. You have a lot of empathy. You want. It's like you like people pleaser. You want everybody to be happy. And I think that it would be really, really healthy and good for you to kind of break away from that for now, just for now and allow you to give all that to yourself. Because they need to do their own thing, whether that's working on themselves or not working on themselves or ignoring it or viewing you a certain way. Let them. Let them. Yeah. Like love and light to them, whatever that looks like cool. But you need to be a little selfish,

[Survivor]

which I've never, like, never been. So I have no idea. That's why I can't let my mother go or my sister go. Because it's like, why don't upset them? Why don't want to cause a riffle and be like, oh, here she goes again. Like, cause a drama bite. Like putting this on the table and like.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah, but you cutting them off, if you chose to do that, not speaking to them, that's not creating drama. That's removing it.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And however they see it. And it's hard. It's hard to not care what people see and think of us. It's hard to genuinely accept, like, oh, they think A, B and C of me and I don't care. Like, that's like Very hard to get to that point. But I do believe that when you put all that work and stuff into yourself, into your healing without anyone else in mind, because we can't heal, we can't even really help others until we help ourselves, you know. So if I think when you really put that energy and work into yourself, that kind of naturally fizzles away.

[Survivor]

Looking to strengthen your health and well being, Tune in to the Dr. Tina show, one of Apple podcast top alternative health shows. I'm Dr. Tina Moore, naturopathic physician and chiropractor and I covered topics like metabolic health, chronic diseases, pain management and more with expert interviews and solo episodes. I keep it no nonsense with a science backed approach to empower you to improve your health and resilience. New episodes every Thursday produced by Drake Peterson and Wellness Loud.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

That's what I've realized. Like you do naturally, you don't even realize really when that switch is made over. Yeah, but then you get to a point where it's like, I really don't give a fuck what you think and I don't care who you are to me. You know what I mean? Like, like they, I'm going to say it, as I was going to say bluntly, but like they don't give a fudge. They don't have any respect for you.

[Survivor]

They don't know. Like my wife is always like, they don't even reach out to you. Like no one has come to you.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Even if they said, oh, but we love you, we do respect you, we do care about you, we just blah, blah. No. And if you do, you have a really fucked up twisted mind and I don't want to be a part of it. Because that's the thing. It's like even if they have some sort of mental thing going on, a disorder, a disability, whatever the it is, that doesn't mean that you have to keep it in your life. Like blood does not mean everything. It does when they show up correctly. They didn't show up correctly. They still don't show up correctly.

[Survivor]

Well, I, I mean I firmly believe that now with having my step kids. They're not my, they're not mine. Like my blood.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

They're so.

[Survivor]

They're literally like, they're my kids. Like I would literally die for them. And that's another that I'm just like, you weren't my father, but you were. You could have been like you.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You saw he also looked at you as a daughter too, because they acknowledged that several times he would call you his daughter.

[Survivor]

He raised me like he taught me literally every, like, to this day. Like, he taught, like, he made me the person that I am today. Like. Like the good things. You know what I mean? So, like, you're a father to me, and, like, I'm a mother to my kids. So, like,

[Interviewer/Therapist]

he likes children. He's sick. He likes children.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, like, doesn't blood or not, incest or not, you like children, you know, like, and he's sick. Your mother's sick. Your sister doesn't know any better, and I don't think is ready to work through it. I hope. I. I. My hope would be that one day she sorts through everything in her life, and then you guys could navigate some sort of, like, respect for each other and understanding. I don't think she's there yet, from what I've heard. But the parents. Fuck them. Both of them toxic in any way, shape, or form. Not even demented, demented, sick, toxic, all of it. And, like, it's. I get, like, you're that, like, once again, I think it's your. The. The little you, the child version of you that feels the guilt. I don't think it's the you now. I think it just all stems back to, like, the little girl. Yeah. Like, what little. What kid wants to. No kid wants to make their parents sad. They don't want to disappoint them. They want to make them happy. Like, we're. You want to please. You want to be loved. You want to give love. Like, you're. You're. It's your innocence sense, but that was taken from you, and your mom didn't care or do anything about it. Neither did he. So they can go themselves. Sorry. It's, like, genuinely how I feel. I've, like, heard so many of these stories that now I'm at this point where I think I'm gonna just, like, say it. Yeah.

[Survivor]

Well, I think it needs to be said because I hear from my, like, my family. Well, when I say my family, I'm saying my wife's family, which is my family now.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

So, like, I hear from them and, like, it's like, I need to keep hearing it to believe it and.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And different sources out. Like, you know, people that don't know things like that. And, like, you know, I try to be, whenever I hear these stories, obviously, always respectful, you know, and I kind of, like, test the waters. But one thing that gets to me the most is when people like my guests that come on here, they feel that guilt towards their abusers, and they question themselves. Even the one Girl I had on when her mom was with her boyfriend and she. She felt bad, like, sitting there telling me she was like, I felt bad for the way I acted afterwards her. And I was like, no, like, you know what I mean? Like, I almost feel like sometimes we need that. Sometimes I don't think it's bad. Like, I can still be respectful and still be like, ass. No, like, you, like, absolutely not. Do not. You don't know. You know, if you need somebody to tell you, screw them. And literally, like, that's that. Because that's the. That's the reality of it. And I don't know everybody. So every human is so different. And we're all he. We all heal differently. We all are different people. Some of us are more cut and dry. Like, you screw me, you, I'm done. There's other people that you screw me. But, like, I still care. I'm still, you know, Especially when it's family, I think we're almost like, we have that, like, what's that? Like, the instinct to just like, you know. But at some point or another, I think you have to choose you and only you. And then, you know, you do have a family now. Yeah, you have a wife now. You have to show up for them in the best way that you can. And you can only be the best version of yourself, in my opinion. When you cut out the things that. That pull from that energetically, anything, those that your past is still pulling from that because they're not where you are. You've worked on yourself. You continue to work on yourself. So I just feel like. And that might be an easier way to kind of look at it in like a less, like, selfish way, I guess you could say, of like, okay, I have a family now that I have to be there for support, show up for in all these different ways. I can't fucking worry about you, you guys getting married. If you guys think I'm a whore, if you guys think it was my fault, if you're a pedophile, if you're still living with them, you can. At what? You know, at one point, it has to be, let me close this door and chapter so that I can focus here. And then maybe when this is all like in a really good place again and you still feel like there's still unresolved things here, you can kind of get back into kind of sorting through it. But I do think you deserve a moment where it's just you and you now. And you now is with this new family. They show up for you, you show up for them. And that's where I think that's a good boat to be in at this moment.

[Survivor]

It is such a good boat. And it's. I don't know if it's like the pessimist in me, but it's like, it makes me so. You would think it would, like, make me feel so happy that I have, like, this wonderful family. But it's like, it also breaks my heart that, like, I didn't have a wonderful family growing up. You know what I mean? Like, my inner kid had hell. And then these kids have an amazing life, which heals my inner child.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

And it's so many ways seeing them grow up, because I've been. I've been in their lives since they were 2 and 5, and now it's 10 years later and they're 12 and 15. And like, I was in their lives. I've been in their lives in their crucial moments growing up. And it's like I'm giving them what no one gave me. And it's so incredibly painful to do, but it's like, it's so rewarding at the same time. Like, I can't. It's like bittersweet. Like, it feels so good to, like, love them unconditionally and not expect anything in return. And it's like. But I didn't get that.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Well, I think another. A whole nother aspect of kind of bleeding into that is by sharing your story. There is definitely other survivors that feel the way that you do, and I think that that in itself is so validating to them, to you. Like, I think that these are. That's another kind of full circle moment in your healing. Because although that feeling that you were just speaking about might never go away, at least you know, you're not alone. And unfortunately, we don't pick our families. We don't pick what's handed to us. And, you know, I think it's about, unfortunately, acceptance and healing and then giving back, which is what you're doing. And then that's kind of where we start to feed and fulfill and heal our younger self. And it's tough because I. I think mentally I am more of like a cut and dry person in a sense. Like, I. I'm a big believer in people that have been through hell and horrible situations, are. They're tough as. They're relatable.

[Survivor]

They.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

They get it. You know, they know what actual trauma is. They're not sensitive little sissies that like to say, like, I have trauma and, like, nothing actually happened to you because we have a lot of those. Yeah. And once again, everybody can have trauma in their own ways, you know, but, like, I think that there's a power behind it, and I think you can turn trauma into power. And I think that that is a huge healing thing. And I. I just think that if we could kind of rewire our brain to view it that way, there's a lot of benefit in that. And we can still be sad for ourselves, and we can still be sad for the little version of us, but I think that there's so many people that go through this and don't understand it or don't navigate it or never talk about it. And then there's you. And you're somebody that went through all that, but you didn't shut the door and keep pushing. Like, you. You keep that door open, you continue to talk about it for yourself and ultimately now for others, you know, so, like, not everybody can do that. So the fact that you are able to transmute this into providing for your stepchildren, talking about it publicly to reach other people, these are all huge, huge, huge things that, like, not everyone can do. So I think you need to tap into those. And I hate to keep saying, like, I think you need it. Like, I'm not like a therapist. I can already see people were like, she's not certified. Okay. I know I'm not. But, like, okay, this is my advice. I was gonna give it, but I just. I think that if you tap, you have. Those are your superpowers. Tap into them more, you know, like that you. You've been using them to your advantage, and you should continue to do that. And at the end of the day, I can't express it enough. As we are human, we are going to feel emotions one day. We're going to feel like we're on top of the world, and we've healed almost completely, and we can preach about our past and we're good now. And then we might have a week later where we're like, I don't want to be here anymore. But that is part of the human experience. It's back and forth, wishy washy, which

[Survivor]

I go through all the time.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

We're not. If it would be boring if we were just here, it wouldn't make sense. That would make us a robot. If we were just here.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, it's. Everything comes in waves. But what. In my opinion, you're just a very sweet, empathetic person. I think you're doing an amazing job at your healing journey, talking about it to A stranger. And traveling to do so is never fucking easy. That. That's vulnerable, that it's. It's scary, it's intimidating. It's all the different things, you know, but you're crushing it. And you might not be where you want to be in 10 years in your journey, but you're going to get there. And it takes time and it takes. Give yourself grace and credit because you deserve it, really.

[Survivor]

But part of me feels obligated to, especially because he's free to, like, put the word out.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Sure.

[Survivor]

Because if no one's going to believe me and my family, they're not going to talk about it.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And I think, unfortunately, we have a justice system where, you know, sometimes we have to be our, like, our own advocate. And once again, though, even besides it. Even you, just besides your specific situation, that you become a voice for so many people.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

There's. It's so much bigger than just telling your story. And that's what, like, I always try to remind my guests like it is. And I never. I didn't even realize that when I first started this, my first year or year, year and a half doing this, I kind of looked at it as, like, yeah, people share their stories. It's so much bigger than that. Like, the ripple effect, the people that need to hear it. The. The. The fact that hearing. I mean, I've had a bunch of people that say, I. I've listened for, like, two or three years to people's stories, and now it's like, I have a story. Like, maybe I'm ready to speak out, but maybe they would have never even thought that if they didn't hear somebody else do it. It's all about you guys and the courage that you give to people.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

It's huge, everything you've done. Big, big, big, big. A lot of people. That's what you have to remember. And it's not to compare either, but, like, give yourself credit. Way more credit. You don't give yourself enough credit. I don't.

[Survivor]

None.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

No. You need to give yourself more credit.

[Survivor]

Zero. Is that shame still lingers, you know?

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah.

[Survivor]

Especially because I didn't have literally not one person in my corner, like, not an aunt, not a cousin, not no one to be like, I'm here for you. It was just by myself, like, on my own, with a big family, which is me.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah. And I think it's hard because we're kind of raised in this world to really seek out that. I think it provides validation. I think it provides, like you said, support, care. And we Want to feel that. We want to feel love. We want to feel nurture. We want to feel like, oh, thank God, they believe me, you know? And it's. It can get very overwhelming and feel very lonely when it feels like it's you against the world. But me being my, like, my harsh self, because I. I'm, like, so back and forth with things too.

[Survivor]

I'm.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know, I'm. I deal with it all the time as well, with little things. But at the end of the day, we all. All we have is ourselves. That's what I believe. Kind of like everyone's unpredictable. People switch up, things happen. That's not to be negative. I think that's just kind of reality. That's humans. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody does their thing. But that's why I think it's so important to create that core foundation in yourself and know, okay, no matter what, I got this. No matter what, I have my own back. No matter what, I'm gonna make it through.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

And I think it's important to get to that point, because then that's your foundation. And then you can give all the love out and, like, whatever is happening here and in your present moment and then the now, we. We're there, we embrace it, we cherish it. But if something happens, we don't completely fall off and say there's. There's no point anymore because we still have that foundation within ourselves, if that makes any sense. And I feel like you deserve that foundation. You deserve that for yourself. I think, like, you. You have so much strength. I don't think you've realized, like, by sharing and talking and. And. And running through these horrible, traumatic, sick events. That is a crazy amount of strength and power. It's like, almost like you. You're there, but it's like you haven't, like, pinpointed, like, association.

[Survivor]

Yes. Right.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You haven't, like, pinpointed, like, here it is. I have this now. Let's run with it. Yeah, but it's there. I mean, you're like, that's incredible.

[Survivor]

And it's only, like, 1% of the trauma that's out there. You know what I mean? Like, there's so. Like I said if. If this happened when I was five or when it happened when I was five till 19.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Right, right. There's so. And that's the thing. Yeah, there's so. It's so much deeper than that. And that's the thing, too. It's un. Like I said in the beginning, unraveling years and years and years of trauma takes probably double, triple the time.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

You know it's right. Exactly. So it's not. It's not. It's so. It's always so much easier said than done. And once again, everybody heals differently. Some people might be able to do therapy for a year and they're good. Some people need it the rest of their lives, and that's okay.

[Survivor]

And that's if it's perpetrated by one person. In my case, it's. Everyone spots me over.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Yeah. And that's. And that's why it's. It's okay. You're doing amazing.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

I think I just wish you gave yourself more credit because you deserve it, really. And if that goes anywhere, makes you feel any type of anything, that's what all I would want to make you feel.

[Survivor]

I think raising. Helping my wife, raised the kids gives me, like, value. Like, makes me feel of use. Like when I felt absolutely nothing those times that I was raped. And just to just be left there on my own to just deal with literally the physical aftermath and also, like, emotional and, like, morally now, it's like, I don't even know what that feels like. Like to feel nothing.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

At what age do we really, like, figure who we. Who we are out? Like, it takes forever. You know, we're in our 20s, 30s, whatever. Some people don't even ever find themselves. So when you're groomed and ingrained, it's ingrained in your head that you're. You have no value. You're worth nothing unless you let me do this to you. Whatever else you're basically having now that you're in therapy and you're away from that, you're rewiring your brain and telling yourself otherwise. And that's once again going back to what we said. Years and years and years of unwiring that. I mean, that's. It makes sense. Everything makes sense as to why you feel and act in whatever the way you do, because you were told that you're nothing.

[Survivor]

Yeah.

[Interviewer/Therapist]

Which is why you still probably have that guilt and put so much value in. In even your mom and your sister still. Because it's like you didn't have that value in yourself. Them.

[Survivor]

That's the one title, this episode. Them. You should.