R*ped by My Parents Until I Was Mute

Summary

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Podcast Summary: We're All Insane – "R*ped by My Parents Until I Was Mute"

Host: Devorah Roloff
Guest: Liliana
Date: May 31, 2026

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Episode Overview

This harrowing episode of We're All Insane centers on Liliana as she courageously recounts her years of intra-familial torture and sexual abuse inflicted by her parents, particularly her stepfather, and the years-long journey that led to her abuser’s conviction. She also unflinchingly examines the failures of her mother and family, the community, and the system to protect her, as well as her subsequent struggles with mental health, boundaries, and healing. Liliana offers advice for survivors and those supporting them, and underscores the critical importance of breaking the silence and advocating for oneself—however imperfectly.

The tone is raw, explicit, and unflinching. Trigger warnings abound for sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, suicide, self-harm, and more.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Purpose for Sharing Her Story (00:38–03:22)

• Motivation for Disclosure: Liliana wishes she’d seen someone share a similar story as a child, hoping her testimony might help others recognize or survive abuse.
• Imperfect Victims: “If you’re looking for a perfect victim in this story, it’s not going to happen.” (02:32)
• Extensive Trigger Warning: Every type of abuse is discussed in detail; listeners are warned to skip ahead if not in a good headspace.

2. Defining Intra-Familial Child Torture (ICT) and Dynamics (03:22–07:45)

• Distinction: ICT not only includes abuse and coercive control, but also fundamentally alters the developing brain and sense of self.
• Cycle of Abuse: Liliana sketches a family legacy of trauma, sexual assault, isolationist Christian values, generational poverty, and teen pregnancy.

3. Mother’s Complicity & the Failure of Maternal Protection (06:25+)

• Data Points: “According to Psychology Today, 52% of mothers do not support their children after they come out about sexual abuse... 76%... look for someone other than their mothers.” (06:44)
• Liliana reiterates: “Leaving it up to the mothers most of the time is not going to do anything. It takes a village in protecting children.” (07:07)
• Memorable Quote: “We can’t leave it up to mothers to protect their children. Abusers find women who don’t care.” (02:45, 202:01)

4. Early Childhood Experiences & Escalating Abuse (13:47–55:44)

• Isolation and Violence: Early memories include her mother’s abusive partners, being locked in closets for protection, racialized abuse, and severe neglect. Her own earliest trauma was almost drowning in a pool while her mother’s boyfriend watched, followed by chronic medical neglect.
• Humiliation & Fear Tactics: Parents delighted in scaring and humiliating her (e.g., convincing her she ate a plate of feces, enforced public shaming: “My punishment...my mom called up my cousins...the next time you see Liliana, tell her she's ugly… they wouldn't even hug me.” [25:56])

5. Physical and Emotional Torture: Structure & Ritual (40:58–55:44)

• Ritualistic Beatings: Details strict, ritualized abuse—forced nudity, beatings with objects, and coercion while mother watched passively.
• Social Isolation: Frequent standing-in-corner punishments for hours, forbidden from making friends, especially with boys, and cut off from extended family and extracurricular activities.

6. Sexual Abuse and its Aftermath (55:44–85:45)

• Grooming Process: Late-night grooming began with secret video game sessions, affection, progressive undressing, and eventually sexual acts: “It was grooming. He would let me stay awake… then cuddle, then further and further, until he was raping me…” ([55:45], [80:10])
• Dissociation & Selective Mutism: After the first assault, Liliana became mute for weeks. “It was like I floated so far away from the controls... my soul was just floating somewhere.” (69:40)
• Sleeplessness and Trauma Responses: Became agoraphobic and withdrawn, using self-harm to cope.

7. Desperate Attempts to Disclose & Community Failures (116:18–143:50)

• Failed Disclosures: Multiple attempts to disclose were ignored, minimized, or disbelieved—by her mother (“She just looked mad”), extended family, friends, teachers, and eventually Child Protective Services.
• Systemic Neglect: CPS only got involved years after, but no criminal action was taken. Her mother lied about having addressed the abuse.

8. Long-Term Aftermath and Search for Justice (143:50–180:50)

• Journey to Legal Justice: As an adult, Liliana petitions authorities across states, compiles evidence, and ultimately records her stepfather confessing over the phone (“I bet you know why I’m calling.” [172:00]). His guilty plea is used in court.
• Conviction Outcome: Her stepfather is sentenced to 145 years. “It was like for the first time in my life I could breathe.” (180:57)

9. Mother’s Denial & Boundaries (181:19–190:41)

• Mother’s Letters: Post-trial, her mother sends a letter full of self-pity, victim-blaming, constant minimization, and refusal to take responsibility (“I blamed myself so much. So this part really irks me because she’s asking me to extend empathy…Where was that for me?”)
• No Contact: Liliana discusses cutting off all family ties: “People who love you don’t treat you like that, and I stand by it.” (197:38)

10. Advocacy, Healing, and Advice (193:44–206:10)

• Therapy: Stresses the importance of therapy (“Normalize therapy, normalize changing therapists if you don’t like them, and normalize calling out parents who mistreat their kids in public.” [205:01])
• Setting Boundaries: Encourages survivors to cut off toxic family, even if they’re blood (“Just get rid of them… I don’t care if they’re blood.” [197:38])
• Empowerment: Liliana recognizes her own fight gave her and others hope: “He couldn’t have picked a worse victim. I’ve done nothing but talk about it… For another girl, she might not have made it out alive.” (203:39)
• Breaking the Cycle: Encourages listeners to question parental behavior, support at-risk kids, and provide even small moments of compassion.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Abuse and Reporting:
  • "You wanted to protect me from the possibility of nothing by doing nothing?" (183:24, Liliana reading her mother’s letter)
  • “If you see kids so obedient that it shocks you, that’s a red flag.” (109:01)
  • “Leaving it up to the mothers most of the time is not going to do anything. It takes a village in protecting children.” (07:07)
• On Survival and Recovery:
  • “When I think about feeling empty and utterly defeated, that’s what I think of – sitting in my bed, drinking my sippy cup, knowing if I want my parents to love me, I need to turn my emotions off.” (76:40)
  • “You are so beautiful… and so worthy of everything that this life has to offer… Never let anyone or anything define your worth. Only you can do that.” (200:03, Devorah to Liliana)
• Acts of Kindness:
  • The story of the stranger at SeaWorld who comforted her (“I remember her hands… That little moment of kindness… I think about her all the time.” [65:42])

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Important Timestamps

• Purpose & Trigger Warnings: 00:38–03:22
• Distinction of ICT: 03:22–06:25
• Failure of Maternal Protection: 06:25+
• Earliest Memories of Neglect/Abuse: 13:47–25:45
• Physical/Psychological Torture Explained: 40:58–55:44
• Grooming & Abuse Escalation: 55:44–80:10
• Going Mute/Dissociation: 69:40+
• First Disclosures to Adults & CPS: 116:18–143:50
• Leaving the Home: 143:57–146:13
• Self-Harm and Mental Health Crisis: 146:25–163:52
• Legal Justice Process: 171:32–180:57
• Stepfather Sentenced: 180:49+
• Mother’s Delusions and No Contact: 181:19–190:41
• Advice, Therapy, Advocacy: 193:44–206:10
• Concluding Empowerment: 197:38–206:10

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Final Words & Advocacy

• Liliana’s Core Message: Abuse at the hands of caregivers fundamentally shapes a child’s brain and sense of self. Survivors often face disbelief, minimization, and betrayal from families and communities. Healing is long and uneven, but telling your truth and fighting for justice—however belatedly—is an act of reclamation for yourself and others.
• For Listeners/Survivors: You are not alone, you’re not ruined, and you are worthy of healing. Seek therapy, advocate for yourself, trust your memories, and know that other survivors are out there.
• Call to Action: Normalize therapy, support children displaying alarming behaviors, speak up when you witness mistreatment, and never assume a parent is always a child’s protector.

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If you need support or want to share your story, reach out to [e-mail] or via the podcast's online form.

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This episode is raw, honest, and essential listening for understanding the realities of familial abuse, trauma recovery, and the urgent need for communities and systems to do better.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Winter is so last season and now spring's got you looking at pictures of tank tops with hungry eyes.

[B]

Your algorithm is feeding you cutoffs. You're thirsty for the sun on your shoulders that perfect hang on the patio. Sundress those sandals you can wear all day and all night. And you've had enough of shopping from your couch. Done. Hoping it looks anything like the picture when you tear open that envelope. It's time for a little in person spring treat. It's time for a trip to Ross. Work your magic. My name is Liliana and today I'm going to be talking about my intra familial child torture and how my parents isolated, tortured and sexually abused me until I was mute as a child, agoraphobic as a teenager and a young adult. And I just want to talk about what occurred, how it affected me as I grew up and my experience pursuing legal justice against my abuser. So, so first I would like to say, to answer the question of why I'm here and why I'm doing this, first and foremost I feel it's important because if I was a child and I had seen somebody talking about this kind of experience, it probably would have changed the trajectory of my life. So I think if there's somebody out there going through something similar, I could provide some kind of, you know, my, my experience with it. And also too I would like to kind of give advice on what it's like to uphold boundaries and stuff. Like after you go through something like this, advocating for yourself can be kind of difficult. And it's something I personally struggled with and still struggle with. So I could also give advice on that and just generally like therapy, the world of psychology, I'm really familiar with also I personally, I've never really had issues talking about this stuff and I've been fortunate enough that Ms. Dev here has been so kind as to share her bigger microphone with me, this bigger platform so I can reach more people. And of course there are selfish reasons too. You know, I, I do wish that I could get on a microphone big enough to share this with the whole world. And in a way I feel like a lot of, especially the sexual abuse, like My, my mother wasn't aware of it. So I feel like in a way maybe this will fill the hole of if somebody just knew what happened. But, you know, so. So there is a bit of selfishness over here, I will admit, because I do want to be transparent and there are going to be a lot of times in this story where I'm not the victim. If you're looking for a perfect victim in this story, it's not going to happen. So. And I also do just want to provide every trigger warning possible. Like any trigger warning you can think of, it's going to be mentioned in this story. So if you're not in a good headspace, I don't recommend listening to this story or maybe just skipping towards, you know, the end where I talk more about pursuing legal justice and stuff like that. So. Intra familial child torture. I know you've had other guests on here to talk about it, but in case anyone doesn't know what it is, Intra Familial child torture, or ict, is a mix of coercive control and severe violence against a child. So the difference between ICT and abuse is kind of like ICT changes the way that the brain develops, if that makes sense. So for example, if, if a mother continuously body shames her child, but the child is secure enough in themselves to not really let that bother them, that is abuse. But if that same scenario happens and the child grows up with eating disorders and body dysmorphia and stuff like that, that, that would be ict because it changed the way that their brain works. It changed, you know, how they developed, how they, how they view the world and themselves. So that is the difference between the two. Another reason why I wanted to share my story is because I really want to iterate to people that, especially within sexual abuse, something I see a lot is people asking, you know, where is the mother? Especially if it's a male harming a child. Everybody loves to ask, where's the mother? Where's the mother? But it's been my experience and I've met several other CSA survivors in my life. I've read so many books, watched so many videos, heard so many other testimonies, and something I'm finding pretty common is the mothers know we, we can't leave it up to the mothers. And that's why I want to share the signs. Because leaving it up to the mothers most of the time is not going to do anything. According to Psychology Today, 52% of mothers do not support their children after they come out about sexual abuse. And I think that's crazy. That's literally half like, yeah, that's crazy. 76% of victims that were sexually abused by a family member look for someone other than their mothers. And victims will disclose seven times faster on average if they feel maternally supported. So the child's first line of defense is always the mother. But the way that pedophiles get access to children like this is they somehow are able to find mothers who don't care. They're willing to look the other way. And so again, just, we can't leave it up to mothers. I think it takes a village in protecting children. So if I could make more people aware of the signs to look for, that'd be great. To start, I kind of need to give context about my family and the dynamic of it. And it kind of goes back a couple generations. So my great grandfather and my great grandmother, my great grandfather is actually still living. He's in his 90s, he's still independent, you know, and their, their goal in life was to have as many children as possible and spread the word of God. So they, they had this like one room cabin and they, they got to work. They had 10 kids, one of them being my grandmother. Five boys, five girls. And I believe those are only their living children. They did have, you know, like a stillborn, a miscarriage here or there, whatever. But yeah, so there was 10, one of them being my grandmother. And the way that they lived was, I, I, I'm not sure the different types of Christianity, but they're the ones that like, like don't watch tv, don't believe in like birth control or, or condoms or they wear long skirts, they don't cut their hair. It's, it's, I liken it to almost being Amish, but they, they don't have the little head things or, you know, they still drive a car and stuff like that. My great grandfather owns a church and so they, they go to church every Sunday at his church. And that was a church that I grew up going to as well. My whole family does it. So they, they all get together every Sunday, if not even more than every Sunday. So this, this family is really close knit and as you'd imagine, 10 kids, like they, they go out, they have the same goals, have as many kids as possible, spread the word of God. So I've got millions of cousins, whatever is what it feels like. What I know about my grandmother is my grandmother was defiant. I'm not sure why, but when she was younger, like a teenager, she ran away and it's my understanding that she was sexually assaulted and had to come back home. And she was pregnant with my mom. And she. Again, she was a teenager, so she had my mom as a teenager, and my mom actually had me when she was a teenager. So I come from a line of teen moms, which is, you know, comes with a whole list of issues. But, yeah, so my. My grandma became my grandma when she was, like, 30, and I think that's crazy.

[A]

Like, okay, so the great grandparents and their 10 kids and then your mom and everything. Would you say all of them were pretty close? Like, had a good close relationship?

[B]

I think so, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, it's kind of like from my grandma down, they kind of fall off. I think my grandma has, like I said, she's always been kind of defiant.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Kind of a variable. So she. She watches tv, she smokes, she drinks. But she still goes to church. She still comes around the family, and they still, you know, it's not like they're like, oh, like, you're a sinner, you can't come around. They're very like, you're free to make your own choices. You're still welcome with us. They're. They're, you know, in my opinion, good Christians. But it's also kind of weird because of stuff I'll bring up later. But, yeah, so as far as I know, they're all. They're. Everybody's pretty close. And. And it is. That was a privilege, like, growing up. I didn't realize that, like, not. Not a lot, like, get everybody together every Sunday. And. And my family's so big, we had to, like, rent out. Rent out the fire hall to, like, for, like, our Christmases and Thanksgivings and stuff. But, yeah, so I would definitely say they're all pretty close. Everybody knows everybody's business for the most part. And, yeah, but from my grandma down, it gets a little wonky. She had two other kids, so I've got two uncles as well. But she had my mom really, really young. And my mom, when she was in school, she was popular. She. She worked out. I've seen pictures of my mom. She was big muscle girl. Like, she played tennis. She was really good at tennis. She has, like, newspaper clippings of the local newspaper talking about her. Her tennis wins and stuff. So I perceived my mom to be like, she was the popular girl in high school. She was. She was sporty. She had lots of friends. She went to parties. She, like, some of her. Her friends grew up to be models and stuff like that. So I consider my mom to Be like the popular girl back in high school. But after high school, my mom went and joined the military, I think for school purposes, because obviously, like, I come from a line of almost like poverty because, because my family, they always did things themselves like. Oh, I should have mentioned, like my, my grandparents and stuff, the way that they were raised. They were homeschooled. So, you know, it's very isolated little one room cabin, homeschooled. They, they grow their own food, they, they have a farm with horses and stuff like that. So they kind of. Everybody kept to themselves. Everybody took care of, of each other and stuff like that. But they also did things in the community through their, through their church and stuff. But for the most part it was like family unit only. So my mom joined the, joined the Air Force for school purposes, to go to school. And while she was there, she met my biological father. And according to my mom, this is something that she said with her own voice to my face. She wanted an exotic baby. So I don't know if she specifically sought out a man of color or if she just got the idea after meeting my dad, but my dad is Filipino and three months after they met each other and they got married. Crazy. And they had me. They were both, like I said, teenagers, like Freshly 18. I think maybe they just thought that's what they're supposed to do, get together, start a family. So apparently they like planned and tried and eventually had me. So. And there's, there's allegations of abuse on both sides. According to both of them, everything was good. And then I was born and things just hit the fan. I was a baby at that time, so I can't really say what happened. I am inclined to believe my father because just because I've lived with my mom, I know what she's like, So I do believe that she would abuse him. But I haven't spent enough time around my biological father to know, you know, if the stuff she said was true as well. But there are allegations of abuse on both sides. So they had me and they were kind of like on again, off again. Eventually they had my sister, which I'll call her T. And she's two years younger than me, so we're two years apart. And she wasn't planned. But my mom found out she was pregnant and they were, like I said, on again, off again. Okay.

[A]

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[B]

were they

[A]

still in the Air Force, both of them at this time after they had you?

[B]

I was born on an Air Force base actually. So as far as I know, yeah, maybe. I think after I was born she, she got time off to stay and take care of me I guess. Yeah, I'm not sure actually. I don't think she finished. I don't know if there's like certain training you have to do. I don't think she ever actually like made it to the stuff she wanted to do I guess. And then my dad, I'm not sure just because I don't really know him that well but they were on again, off again and my, my mom ends up pregnant with T and they decide they Want to break up. And my dad wanted, according to him, because like I said, I was a baby. I don't know, but this is just what I've been told. He wanted custody of me and my mom threatened to miscarry T if he took me, and so he just backed off. And yeah, so she. She took me. She took T and moved to. I'm not sure where they were living together, but for most of my life I've lived in Indiana. So we were living in Indiana. And this is when I start, you know, I can start sharing my own personal experience because it was. It was during this time that I had my first memory. And my very first memory is we were in this house, this one story house. It had two bedrooms. And my mom, like, my mom can pick them. Let me tell you. Like, she loves. She loves an abusive man. She loves a racist man. She loves the worst of the worst, truly. And my very first memory is her putting me in the closet. And the closet was like kind of like blinds like you have on the windows, but they were made of wood so you couldn't like, you know, open them and peek. But I could. I could peek through the slits as she sat me down on the floor of this closet and put T in my arms. She was still an infant. So I'm sitting cross legged in the closet with T in my arms because her boyfriend was coming home and like beating the shit out of her all the time, like. And I remember just like peeking through the slits of the door and. And it was all dark, she had all the lights off and stuff like that too. So. So that's my very first memory. Any man she brought home, I called him my dad because I just didn't know, like one thing about my mom. She'll sleep with anything with a pulse. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just telling the truth. But it got to the point where. And it wasn't just me, it was. It was both of my siblings. Cause I go on to have another sibling later, but she would like bring somebody around. We would call them dad because it's just like that's. We, like, we're used to it. But yeah, so I would go around telling people, you know, daddy's, you know, dragging my mommy around by her hair and stuff like that. And just like nobody was ever doing anything. But yeah, so my mom can pick them. My next memory is being in a pool. So when I was a baby or like a toddler, I apparently really loved like swimming, quote, unquote. Swimming, which is just my mom holding me in the water and stuff. And I loved it. So, you know, being in the bath, she'd run me a deep bath, take me to the pool and, you know, let me swim around there. And this. This memory that I have, I'm about two years old, she said, because I did tell her I remembered this. And she was like, you were probably like, not even two when that happened. But I remember I was sitting on one of those floaty, like a mattress lounge thing, sitting there, and my mom was in front of me, and I'm leaning forward and I'm splashing around in the water, and she's like, I need to go inside real quick. She has her. Her fuck ass boyfriend, like, sorry, I cuss like a sailor. I'm so sorry.

[A]

You're fine.

[B]

I'm gonna try to keep it minimal, but she's like, I need to go inside. She. She tells her boyfriend that, you know, keep an eye on her. I'll be right back. So she leaves. She leaves me. Boyfriend's standing there. I'm leaning forward to splash in the water, and I fall in. And I remember just sinking straight to the bottom and looking at the walls of the pool and just like, I don't know, just like instinctively, babies don't, like, I guess they hold their breath automatically. But I do remember, like, just sinking to the bottom and looking at his legs in the water. And he was just standing there, not doing anything. He didn't do anything. He just left me. And then I lost consciousness. The next memory I have is waking up on the couch all alone. And I brought this up to my mom. Like, I would think I was in my 20s, like, in my 20s. This was pretty recently. And she knew that he did that. And she also knew that it was because of my skin color that he did that. This. This white man, just, like, he hated me. Like, she told me that he would always say I was dirty, that. That I would make. I would make people sick if they touched me and stuff like that. Like, I don't know how you can be with somebody who talks about your. Your two year old like that, like, hello. But anyway, so she. I received no medical care, and. Which is odd because I've worked in childcare for a few years now. I know quite a lot about children, their brains and how they develop. And even if I was fully conscious, awake and talking when she pulled me out of the pool, drowning can still happen even hours later. So you need to take the child to the hospital regardless. But the fact that I'm unconscious. And you fish me out and just leave me on the couch. Hello? Like, is anyone home? What's going on? Yeah, so. But, yeah, she. She stayed with this man. And I don't know if it's the same man or if it was a different racist man. I'm inclined to believe it's the same man because just the way that he spoke about me. But she. She stayed with him and I. They had another child, and that would be my sibling. We'll call her M. And we're all two years apart. So she's four years younger than me, two years younger than T. And she had two white parents, obviously. And when she was born, my mom called her her father to say, hey, I just had your kid. And the first thing he asked was, what color is it? He wouldn't let me play with her because I would make her sick and dirty. Like, again, it's just. I don't know how you can be with somebody who talks about your. Your children like that. But she had no issue doing it. And I think that really goes to show just how little respect she had for me as a human being. Also, too, something I found really funny. Like, to say that you want an exotic baby is really odd. But she loved to dress me up in, like, racist costumes for the viewers. I'm showing her pictures. My mom dressed me up as a Native American for multiple Halloweens. And also, too, apparently, like, when people asked if I was Hispanic, she and my grandma both would get really, really offended. Stuff starts really picking up. We moved to Columbus. We were previously living in North Vernon, Indiana, but we moved to Columbus, Indiana, and I'm about 4 years old. While we were here, she met somebody that she was working with. And I'm not sure how long they knew each other before they got married, but given what happened with my dad, I'm sure it wasn't that long. And this man was very quickly just a permanent part of my life. His name was Austin Ellis Jr. And I will share his name because he's currently sitting in jail. So what's he going to do? The first memory I have of them is their wedding, specifically the reception after. And then he was just my dad. So growing up, I perceived this man to be my father, even though I always felt some kind of disconnect. Like, I was like, we don't look like. I don't look like my parents, you know? So to me, I was like, this is my dad. And that's just the belief that I had growing up.

[A]

So when you guys moved, was she already broken up with the other guy?

[B]

Yeah, must have been, I guess, because. Yeah, I'm not really sure what happened there or why they broke up, but.

[A]

But he did not move with you guys?

[B]

Correct. Okay, so this man marries my mom, and then he becomes my dad. He's. He's in the house all the time, and he's just my dad, and that's fine. But very quickly, my life kind of went into the toilet because this man and my mom really bonded over how much they enjoyed terrorizing their children. And by that I mean, like, they. They found it really fun to scare us, make us cry, Just. Just all kinds of weird shit. So I'll. I'll give some examples. Probably the. The first bad thing I remember them doing to me was when. So I was first first child, first granddaughter, first great granddaughter. Like, I. I was, you know, very much the baby of the family. Everybody was very gentle with me. And. And since birth, I've always been a sensitive child. I still am sensitive. It's very easy. Easy to hurt my feelings. It's easy to scare me. It doesn't take a lot. And. And my parents definitely enjoyed abusing that. So I was used to everybody being gentle with me. And this man, who is just overly rough with me, came into my life. So there was a day where he was, like, holding me and swinging me around the way that you do with kids, and everything was fine, except he then flipped me so that I was upside down. I didn't like that. Nobody had ever done that to me. Mind you, I'm four years old. Like, I'm scared. So I'm crying, and he and my mom find it so hilarious that I'm scared. So then he starts swinging me, like, closer to furniture so that my head gets closer to the furniture, closer to the floor, like, bobbing me on the floor and stuff. And it's so funny that my mom gets, you know those cameras back in the day where you had to wind up the thing and make that noise and it has the film. You gotta take it to the store and get it developed. Had those. Was taking pictures of it, and she. She still has them, like in a photo album. She looks back on them. Like, it's so funny. My. My horrible crying grimace that I have on my face. And it's. It's a fun memory for them. And what I remember is being terrified and you guys laughing. All I can hear in my ears is. Is laughter. It was traumatizing. Like, I get, like, I wasn't hurt, but at the same time, it's not hard to see why a child would be scared of that. Another thing that they would do is they would tell me lies to scare me. One example was there was a day, again, four years old, can't stress that enough. Like they, they pulled me into the dining room and they gave me this slice of chocolate cake and they sat down at the table with me and I should, I was four years old again, so I didn't notice anything wrong. But now that I look back, it's like, it's kind of weird because they usually, like the kids had to sit at the table and eat, but they would eat their food watching tv. So the fact that they sat down at the table, like they were up to something, you know. But they, they give me this plate of chocolate cake and it's like, I don't know if you've seen the movie Matilda like that. That chocolate cake is scrumptious, right? And I sit there and I eat the whole thing and I'm like, wow, that was so good. They're like, yeah, did you like that? Was that good? I was like, yeah. They were like, yeah, you actually just ate an entire plate of shit. We just gave you a plate of shit and you just ate all of it and said it was good. And I was like, what? Like, I was horrified. I started crying because I was like, what are you talking about? Like, they were like, yeah, you ate all of it. You had a big smile on your face while you ate it. You love to eat shit and stuff like that. And I was just like, I was just crying and crying and they were like, no, why are you crying? You said you liked it and stuff like that. It was just really weird. Like I felt sick to my stomach and I was too little to know I could make myself throw up. But if I was older, I would have made myself throw up. I felt sick to my stomach, like, because I believed them. Like, why would I. Hello? Obviously it's like it was just a joke. But again, a four year old doesn't understand that. Especially when. No, no time previously. Did you guys make jokes like that? She's not going to understand. So I, I was just crying and they would just laugh and laugh and laugh and whatever. So that was just the kind of stuff they put me through, you know, I, I never knew what kind of stuff they were going to do to me. And the fact that they always laughed at me for crying made me feel like something was wrong with me for crying. So I'm four years old and already feeling like something's wrong with me.

[A]

Do you feel like there was ever a point that you had a close connection with your mother? Do you ever feel like she treated you like her little girl?

[B]

I think I believed that she loved me. Now that I'm older and I look back, it's very clear that she was never somebody who cared about me. But I remember up until I was, like, literally, like, 19 years old, I thought, she loves me, and she's doing what. What mothers should. And I'm the problem for. For. I don't know, like. Like I deserved all of this stuff. She wouldn't do this to me if. If I was, I don't know, quieter, smarter, something. So I just. I just always internalized it. I felt like we were close because she would tell me she loved me, and that's about it. But now that I'm older, I can't think back to a time where she was ever nice to me, let alone close, you know, so. So definitely not. Oh, I. I should probably mention that my parents never supervised us. Like, I. I've learned probably just in, like, the last year that parents are supposed to play with their kids. My parents never played with me. Probably not even, like, once. Like, and. And definitely, like, not even supervising us. So a lot of times we would get into things that we weren't supposed to and then get in trouble. But it's like, where. Why weren't you watching us? Hello. So I'm a toddler. I'm unsupervised. I see some scissors on the counter. I do what every toddler does when they find scissors on the counter. I cut my hair. I leave a trail of hair everywhere. I think I'm, you know, cute as heck. I go to my sister's crib where she's sleeping. I'm reaching through the bars, cutting her hair. Obviously, my parents found out, and my punishment for this was really, really bizarre. So first they had to take me to get my hair fixed, obviously. And I got this. This ugly, like, little bob. I looked like Dora. And I don't think there's anything wrong with looking like Dora, but my family definitely were like, oh, my God, you look like Dora. How funny is that? It's like I could tell they were trying to hurt my feelings, so it would hurt my feelings, basically. But I don't think there's anything wrong with looking like Dora. If somebody told me I look like Dora today, I'd be like, okay, yeah, so. So I had to go get my hair fixed. And my punishment for this, instead of sitting me down and telling me this is dangerous or, you know, taking away a toy, taking away my tv, something. My punishment for this was my mom called up my, like my cousins and stuff. There was a, there was a house that was like a block away that I would go to when my parents went to work and she would like watch us essentially. She, she ran a daycare out of her house, basically. And I said that we were cousins. I don't actually know if we were blood related, but we just grew up like, that's my cousin, you know, whatever. But it would be me, her, and then her mom ran the daycare and then she had some siblings, but they were like adults already. And then there would be like other kids, you know, from other families at this daycare. But my mom called up my cousins at this house and told them, the next time you see Liliana, tell her that she's ugly. Just tell her that she's ugly because she cut her hair and we don't want her to cut her hair again, so. And again, unbeknownst to four year old me, I'm walking around my, my mom and my dad are both telling me how ugly I am and that, oh, you're not my girl anymore because you're ugly and stuff like that. Like straight, like straight telling me to my face, I don't love you anymore because you're ugly. Four years old, mind you. My God. So I go to my cousin's house one day and I go in and everybody's like, oh my gosh, ew. Oh my gosh, ew. You're so ugly now, Liliana. Like, you know, they, they wouldn't even hug me. No, I don't want to hug you. You're. You're too ugly now. And stuff like that. And it had been going on for like days at this point. And I was just heartbroken and I just like collapsed like in the living room floor and was just sobbing and sobbing. I'm sorry I'm ugly. I'm sorry I'm ugly. Like, and I didn't even know that my mom told everybody to do that. I just thought, you know, like, how, how would I know? So I just grew up believing, like, I'm not worthy of love if I'm ugly. So I didn't even know until, again, until my adulthood because one of my cousins was like talking about, and she was like, yeah, after, after you broke down like that. Like, I just felt so horrible. It's like, yeah, you should. Like, that's fucked up. That's fucked up to do to Anybody, but especially a developing child like hello. According to Menzinet, four year olds regularly mix up imagination and reality and their memory only works at about half of that of adults. So the fact that when you punish a child over a long period of time for something, when they're this age, they're not going to understand what they're being punished for. The punishment at that age should be in that moment or punishment, I don't even want to say punishment. I don't think kids should be punished. Hello. Corrected. It should be corrected in the moment. But when, when you do something like this, and especially over days that is detrimental to the child's mental state, they are not going to understand at that age. They're just not. And so yeah, I definitely internalize that, that belief. If I'm ugly, then I. Then nobody loves me. And also too being, being unsupervised. There was this incident where I think we were home alone. A four year old, a two year old and a newborn left home alone. And it was the middle of the night. I remember it was dark as heck. And my sister and I were in the kitchen getting into stuff, you know, as, as toddlers do when you leave them unsupervised. And we were getting into stuff, you know, like dumping flour on the floor, making, making a mess. And my parents came home from wherever they were and saw the big mess. And this was a big turning point. They, they had decided they had never seen kids do this. Like this was just unacceptable and this was like beyond them. They've never even heard of kids doing this or something. And so my stepfather, this, he talked to my mom and said, I think we should implement physical punishments. I think if we started beating your kids, they would not do this stuff. And my mom was like, hold on, you might be cooking like bro, whatever. So that was definitely a turning point was us doing normal toddler things is crazy to me. I also started to develop a reputation at home for being a liar simply because I was misunderstood. The first incident that I can think of, this happening was I was in kindergarten. Oh actually about kindergarten. I started kindergarten at 4 years old. I think my parents put me in kindergarten way too early. They told me that it was because I was smart. But now that I'm older, I think they just wanted me, you know, out of the house sooner. Because when I think about my time in kindergarten, I was not sentient. Like I remember other kids doing letters in writing and I was still scribbling. I could not understand. And the reason I got a reputation as A liar was. There was this day where I was playing in the gym and I bumped into this other kid. His shoulder hit me like right in the nose. And my nose just blood everywhere, all over the floor. So I had to go to the nurse and I'm sitting there and she, she's talk about me not being sentient. She said when the, when the big hand on the clock is on the, on the four, then you can go back to your classroom. And I sat there for I don't even know how long. And she came back and she was like, you were supposed to go when the hand is on the 4. I don't know what a 4 is like. So yeah, it was, it was just really difficult. But everybody kept asking me who was the boy that hit me in the nose like that. And in my 4 year old brain I only knew one kid's name. And in my brain everybody had that name. So I was like, it was this kid, I said, I said this kid's name. It was this other girl and she and I, I think we're friends, which is why I even knew her name. But I was like, oh, it was just this girl and obviously not true. And I think the, the teacher told my parents and then my parents were like, oh my gosh, you're such a liar. You're such a liar. So halfway through my kindergarten year we actually moved from Indiana to California, way across the country because my stepdad was actually in the Navy. He and my mom met at a job, but I guess like he was already in the military or something because he was called out to California to be on the coastline so he can go get deployed when they needed him. And from this point my mom decided to be a stay at home mom. So from this point forward, until I say otherwise, assume that my mom is always home. We moved to San Diego, California. I turned 5 years old and I finished up my kindergarten year. I remember I once I once I became aware like and, and started, you know, actually doing my schoolwork, I took off like it was, it was very instant. I loved learning, I loved doing a good job. I loved reading and writing and coming home and showing off my, you know, my skills, my new skills that I'm learning and stuff. But I think because we were so far away from everyone, because my entire family is based in Indiana, like I said, everybody's all together every Sunday, go to church every Sunday and all of that. Everybody hangs out together. So everybody lives in the same areas except for a few. There's some that do missionary stuff. In other states or whatever, but for the most part, my entire family's in Indiana. And I think because we were so far away, the. The abuse really just, like, amped up to, like, just literal torture, I think. So it was in California that they started making. Well, they. My stepfather started making us stand in the corner, which is kind of a normal punishment, I guess. Normal. As normal as that can't be. But. But the issue with how he did it was he. It would be literally hours. Hours. I'm standing against the wall, and it could be over anything. It could be just because he didn't like the way you looked at him. I don't know it. Literally anything. I cannot stress it enough. And you would be there for hours, and he would sit. Like, he had this chair that would sit. And he would just sit there and watch TV or play video games. And the corner I would stand in was, like, right there. So he could just sit there all day and keep an eye on me. And I'm not allowed to move, step, look, nothing. I have to hold perfectly still. Not allowed to talk, not allowed to cry, not allowed anything. And I'm just supposed to stand there for hours. And sometimes I would even fall asleep in the. In the corner, and I would kind of, like, stumble, like, you know, fall asleep, stumble, catch myself. And he would come over and scream in my face or hit me and add more. Add more time, as if I was ever coming out of that corner anyway. And I remember crying to my mom about it. Like, I hate that he puts me in the corner until I fall asleep and. And whatever. And so she. Instead of talking to her husband about it, she started teaching me ways to stand against the wall so that I could sleep without him coming over to hit me. She told me to get a pillow and, like, put it up and then kind of lean. So I tried that one day. Put the pillow up and leaned, and he came over, snatched the pillow away, hit me a bunch. He was essentially like, I don't know why you thought that was something you could do, like. And whatever. It was just. It was just a lot. So with physical abuse there. There were both spontaneous beatings and ritualistic beatings. And I say beatings because that's what they were. Language is important. So spanking is typically a swat on the behind. I think it's more so to embarrass a child than it is to hurt them. You know, maybe a little sting. Do I think spanking is okay? No, but. But that's what spanking is. A beating is excessive force. It could be on any, any area of the body, even, even the behind. And it can be done with a, with a closed fist, it can be done with an open hand, it can be done with an object. But a beating is a beating. And when I say spontaneous, what I mean is he just comes over and starts hitting us with usually his hands, but sometimes he would grab a belt, a cord, whatever. Whatever was nearby. But a ritualistic beating. When I say that, what I'm referring to is there was a. Like, it's planned, it's talked about, and there's a routine to it. So the ritualistic beatings, how they happened in my house was. Or not just me, my siblings as well, had to strip our clothes, like our pants and our underwear off, bend over the arm of the couch, and we had to place our arms behind our back like this. And he would take a belt and just go to town. Like, just go to town. A lot of times, like, he would, he would grab our hands behind our back and hold us down so that we couldn't move and stuff like that. Sometimes he would even just stroke our butt before he did it. Like. And my mom would be standing in the doorway every time, just, just kind of overseeing. And a lot of times, like, he would, he would be giving us our lashings and she would be in the doorway and say, that's enough. And he would keep going. And she would have to go, that's enough, honey, that's enough. Like, hello, like, he's beating your toddlers. Hello. Like, do something. But no, she, she stood there and watched him do it every single time and didn't. Whatever. And the, the first time he left bruises on one of us was T. And T was only three years old when she got bruises on her. And my mom confronted him about this and said, you're not, like, she's 3 years old. That is, that is excessive force. You shouldn't be doing that to a three year old. And he stood by it. At no point did he ever apologize. At no point did he feel bad. Instead he just said, she deserved it. She deserved it. She should have listened to me. And instead of standing on this boundary, my mom was just kind of like, well, I did all I can do and continued on as if, whatever. Yeah. So there was there was the standing in the corner for extremely long periods of time. There was, there was beatings going on for every little thing. And it was kind of like every day was the same. I would go to school and come home, stand in the corner until dinner time, take a Shower, go to bed, rinse and repeat every single day. Yeah, I just. I just never got to do anything socially. Like, you're gonna see it all. Throughout my story, I'm never allowed, like, outside, like, hello. Of course, I become agoraphobic because you don't let your child do anything outside the home, but whatever. So in. In addition to the physical punishments and stuff like that, I also noticed that my stepdad would stalk me at school, which is very odd. I don't know if I've heard anybody else with a story like mine kind of say that, but he would stalk me at school because the school I went to. And I feel like a lot of schools in California are like this, where the weather is always nice. So a lot of the school campus is, like, outdoors. So the classrooms are classrooms. But you open the door to the classroom, and it's like, you're outside. You know, there's outdoor cafeteria. Everything's outside because the weather's always nice. So it was very easy for him to just be like, you know, this is my kid. This is where she's at. And he could get on the school grounds, and then he could just stand there and watch me, whatever I was doing. And it was very weird. Like, I would. I would be, you know, standing at an assembly or something and just kind of looking around. And then I'd see him there, just standing and staring at me. And just again, standing, staring. No facial expression, no nothing, just staring right at me. And I was always just like, well, that's kind of weird. But I didn't think anything of it because I'm a child. Why would I. I just thought maybe he's here to drop something off at the school. Something. I don't know. But it did happen multiple times. And he also would, like. He would. He would beat me based on who I interacted with, who he saw me interact with at school. So there was. There was this time I was in, like, second grade, and we had the classroom door open to kind of let a breeze in. And there this little boy in my class came over to me, and he was like, come here. I want to show you something. And so he grabs me by the hand and leads me over to the door. And we're standing, like, right in the doorway, and there's a bug on the ground. So he's showing me this little bug, and I'm like, oh, a bug. And I look up, I see my stepdad is standing there and staring at me. And it kind of, like, shocked me. I was just, like, surprised I didn't expect to look up and see him. But the school day was almost out, so I thought, maybe he's just here a little bit early to pick me up. Whatever. I go back in the classroom, didn't think anything of it. Go home. We get out of the car and we're in the garage. We're not even in the house yet. And he shoves me down onto. He had this like, man cave area in the garage. And he had like couches in there. And he. He was really big into music, so he had like guitars, his amps, all of his stuff, his man cave, like, all of his stuff is in there. And he shoved me down onto this couch, face down, and just kind of like held my back down and just started beating me. And I was screaming at him, what did I do? What did I do? And he was like, you know, you're not supposed to be talking to boys. I saw you holding hands with that boy and stuff like that. And I remember I had. I was chewing gum at the time. Like, it surprised me so much I swallowed my gum and I was like, looking for my gum. Where did my gum go? And honestly, if I had choked on it, he probably would have just continued like. But yeah, that was, that was a big rule for him. You're not supposed to talk to boys. But that, that's all he said about it. Don't talk to boys. I can't not talk to boys. There's boys in my class at school. I have to talk to boys. You're bound to see me talk to a boy every now and then. Especially when you're stalking me like that. But yeah, so that, that would happen pretty regularly, mind you. Like I said, my mom's always home. Where is my mom? When I think about my time in California, my stay at home mother was never around. I think she was either out. I don't know what she was doing, but she was either out or in the bedroom. Because one thing about my mom, like, she loved to read books. Like, she. She reads a lot of books. She has her own library in the house. And I also love to read. I got it from her. So she was always reading. But the thing about my mom is you can't talk to her when she's reading. She can't hear you like she can. She can't. So even if she is in the room a lot of times you still can't reach her. She still doesn't understand. Like, she can't see what's going on because she's lost in her stupid book. He also started doing this thing where both of my parents are really heavy smokers. I've never seen my parents without a cigarette in their hand. And he would sit in his big chair, like, legs spread, and I would be standing right here, and he would give me these long lectures about anything. But usually it was stuff like, you can't tell anybody what we do at home. You can't tell anybody anything about what. What happens at home. Okay? And. And I kind of perceived it to be more of, like, a privacy and safety thing. So. And. And also, I'm five. Like, I don't understand what he's trying to say, but he's sitting there and lecturing me on. On whatever Long, boring lectures. And the whole time he's puffing his smoke right in my face. And if I coughed, he would hit me. If I stifled a cough, he would hit me. I had to learn how to hold back my coughs, how to ignore my own. My own body to avoid getting hit. It's just ridiculous. So that was something that happened. And also, too, when he gave me a lecture, or if he was talking in general, even if we were just at the dining table and he was speaking. If somebody. If me or my siblings. I can't even say somebody because the rules didn't apply for my mom. But if one of us yawned while he was talking, you would get hit because he was like, oh, I'm just so boring to you. I'm just so boring to you that you're yawning. Like, he always felt like we were doing it on purpose to, like, mock him or something. It's like, no, I'm five. I'm tired. Like, hello. It was just really odd. And again, where is my mom? She's just standing by and letting it happen. Another thing about my stepdad is he's pretty much every horrible thing you could think of. Racist, homophobic, transphobic, every. Every phobia you can think of. And he's also just generally antisocial, hates other people, wants to keep to himself. But the worst thing about him, like, in my opinion, he loved to abuse animals, especially cats. Like, cats were like. And. And growing up, I didn't realize that, like, animals had feelings, too, just because of the way I saw him treat animals. Like, he went hunting, and hunting is one thing, but he was horrible. Like, if. If a neighborhood cat wandered onto our patio, he would. Like, there was a time he picked a cat up by the tail and, like, swung it and threw it back over the fence. He also had, like, BB Guns. He would shoot the cats if they came on the property. And I never thought anything of it, like, this is normal. But now that I'm older and I look back, like, that's horrifying. That's horrible. So, yeah, he was just. Just every horrible thing you can think of about a person. And during our time in California, he was also like. I don't know, he was in a party phase. I don't remember. I don't remember him doing this in other periods of my life. But he. He wanted to drink all the time. And we had this neighbor that he was kind of close with. Our next door neighbor was this man. He had. He lived with his wife. And then they had some kids. They were a little bit younger than me. They were more like my sister's age, but, you know, toddlers. But because they were close, I would get to go to. I would get to go to their house sometimes. And it was fun because they had birds, they had kittens. And I was like, oh, my gosh. So fun. They had a little kiddie pool in the back. I was like, this place is nice. We don't have this stuff at my house. So. So I just really enjoyed it over there. And they were, you know, always partying together and stuff like that. And so I just always got to be over there. And because he was next door, a lot of times I would just run back and forth between the two houses. But there was a night where I wanted to go over, so I asked my mom if I could go over to their house. And she was like, you need to ask your dad first. So I go into the man cave where he's playing his guitar. And the thing about my parents is you can't, like, when you want their attention, you have to wait for them to acknowledge you. You're not allowed to be like, hey, I need you. Hey, mom, hey, dad. You have to wait for them to acknowledge you. And honestly, that's something I still struggle with as an adult. I've literally had my boss. I'll go up to my boss and stand at his desk. And there was a day where he was like, liliana, you can't just stand there. You have to say something. So I'm learning that it's okay for me to initiate whatever, but, yeah, so I'm standing there and I'm waiting for him to finish playing his song on his guitar. So I'm just standing there. Then he finishes, and he comes over. He's like, what do you want? Like? And I go, I want to go over to our neighbor's house. Can I go over? And he kneels down and gets right in my face and was like, why do you want to go over there so bad? Like, why do you like it over there so much? And I was like, I don't know. Like, I could tell he was mad. I didn't know what to say. And he was like, I think you love him more than me. You love him more than me, don't you? And I was just like, what? Like, I was like, what are you talking about? Which I didn't say that of course. Instead, I was just like, no. Like, nope. And he was like, no. He was like, I. I know the truth. You love him more than me. You're never gonna see him again. You're never going over there again. And I just cried and went back in the house, like. And he did that. He did that a lot. I had this. This friend. He was my friend from kindergarten to second grade, which is the time that I. That I lived in California. I was friends with this. With this boy. I remember his first name, last name, his hair color, his eye color. I remember he was my best friend. We. We were both kind of nerdy. We would, like, race each other to finish our worksheets first and stuff like that. And. And our moms had actually met each other because there was. There was no bus system at the school. All parents had to come pick up their kids. So, you know, my mom was bound to meet some of my friends and their parents. So our moms had met each other and kind of talked about a play date. So we set up, like, maybe we'll have a play date on this day. This day comes around, and I get all dressed up. I put on this little sunflower dress, and I've got these blue, like, denim. Denim type shoes with little buckles on them. And I felt so cute. And I was like, okay, I'm ready to go. Whatever. And my mom was like, we need to ask your dad first. And I was just like, okay. So I had to wait for him to get home from work so I could ask. And I asked. Or no, I didn't even ask, actually. He was like, what are you all dressed up for? And I was like, oh, I'm gonna have a playdate, you know, whatever. And he found out that the friend was a boy, and he flipped his shit. He got right in my face and, like, just. I cannot explain to you the way that this man looked in his eyes. Like, I could tell how much he hated me all the time. But he would just get right in my face and just be like, you know, look at you getting all dressed up for him. You think I'm an idiot? Like, I know what you two are gonna do. We're five years old. He's like, you're never gonna see him again. Nope. You're never talking to him again. If I ever catch you talking to him again, like, I'm gonna beat your ass and stuff like that. Stuff like that. And I just, I remember just staring down at my shoes and just tears just falling on the floor. Like, looking back, it's like you're sexualizing two five year olds. Hello. Like, you're weird. You're a weirdo. It's true. And it would be true. I never, I never got to go over to the neighbor's house and I never got to have him play date with. With my friend. And I never really understood why. Like, he never really made it clear why. Just. Just cut off from family, cut off from neighbor, cut off from hanging out with friends outside of school, which I was friends with some girls too. But it was, it was harder for me to get along with girls just because of the way that my mom communicated with me. I was a very catty child. There was a lot of drama going on with me because I acted like, like a mean girl. Like, from mean girls. Like, I'm freaking. What's her name? Regina George. Like a freaking. I'm. I'm a mean little girl. I did not get along well with other girls because I just didn't know how to talk to other girls, like, whatever. But I did have a couple friends here and there. But yeah, or sometimes, like, my mom would watch, you know, another girl would ride home with me because our moms knew each other, so she would like, watch us for a few hours until her mom could come pick her up or whatever. So. But yeah, I. I didn't really understand the issue with seeing some people and then other people were okay. Like, I could not figure out why. So like I said, he, he really liked to party a lot and, and play guitar really loud. I had it plugged up to the amps. And he's like, that's. When I think about him, like, that's something he was passionate about was music. So he was always blasting his freaking guitar in the garage, which would have been fine, except my bedroom was directly above the garage. And if he, like, there's zero respect for me, why would he stop playing it when it's time for me to go to bed? Right? So I started struggling to fall asleep. I eventually got used to it. But I remember during this time it was really difficult to fall asleep. So I would be having trouble falling asleep. And he would, you know, take a break from playing guitar, come up and check on us, and I would still be awake and then get in trouble for still being awake. Or I would fake being asleep, and then he'd be like, I know you're faking whatever, stuff like that. And I would be in trouble for not sleeping, even though it's like, you're keeping me awake. Hello? Like, again, is anyone home? Like, what's going on? Like. But yeah, so he started, like, being weird about. About my sleep. Like, coming and telling me, like, when I check on you tonight, you better be asleep. If I. If I check on you and you're awake, I'm beating your ass and stuff like that. And it was. It was just difficult. I'm like, I can't force myself to. I can't fall asleep if I can't fall asleep. That's what it is. So he was just kind of, like, being weird about our sleep. And then also, too, like I said, he would. He would lecture me on don't tell anybody what we do at home. Don't, you know, talk about what goes on in this house and stuff like that. And he would also do this thing. Like, it was really weird. Like, I genuinely, as a child, felt like he was possessed, but because of the way he would switch. Like, if my mom was in the room, he'd be normal, but, like, mean, but still normal. You know, like his. As normal as possible. But, like, my. My mom would leave the room, and then all of a sudden his face would, like, drop and his eyes would go dead. And he. He would look straight at me and, like, get up in my face and be like, just. Just remember, I'm always watching you. Even if you think I'm not, I'm always watching you. I know everything that you're doing and. And stuff like that. Like. And it was just always so scary. And then my mom would come back in the room and he'd go back to normal. And it was just like, I couldn't understand it as a child. Like, it was just really weird. And just for him to be like, I'm always watching you. I'm always watching you. Even when you're sleeping, Even when you think, I'm not watching you, I am. And stuff like that. And it was just scary. So I started really struggling to fall asleep at night. Obviously, like, I'm fucking scared. You're Scaring me. And you're being loud, keeping me up. I can't sleep. So, yeah, the. The fact that I had a fear of bedtime, like, because he would watch me, like, when he came up to check on me, and he would, like, peek through the crack of the door. And I feel like normally parents just do, like a quick look, but he would stand there and just stare. And it was really scary as a child. Like, it's like, that's horror movie level scary as a child. Like, just. Just this man just standing there and just staring. All I can see is his eye on the crack of the door. Like, I'm scared. And so I started developing this fear of. Of bedtime. And because of that, it. It opened up an entirely new window for this man. He saw that I was struggling to sleep, so he was like, do you want to stay awake? I will let you stay awake if you want, but you gotta be quiet and you can't tell anyone. And I was like, okay, bet. Because he. He was always playing video games. Like, he was a very, like, always playing video games. Work video games, party guitar. That's it. Four modes. That's all he's got. So. And I loved watching him play video games. I've played video games myself since. I mean, there's pictures of me like two years old holding controllers, you know, So I still play video games. I've always loved them, so I loved watching him play them too. And so he was like, yeah, you can come downstairs and watch me. Watch me play a video game. And I was like, okay, so obviously this is grooming. I'm sure you picked up on that immediately, you know, kind of offering, let's. Let's do this, but you got to keep it a secret. Kind of testing me to see if I'm able to keep a secret and stuff like that. So he would let me stay awake and watch him play video games and eat a snack and whatever. And I was like, oh, this is. This is cool, I guess, right?

[A]

Like, he's being nice.

[B]

Yeah. And not only nice, but he was affectionate as well. So he. He wanted to cuddle with me, he wanted me to sit in his lap, he wanted me to kiss him, Stuff like that. And I was like, this is so drastically different from how he is during the day. During the day, he hates me. He hates my guts, and I can feel it. But during these times, it was like, oh, he's actually being soft and gentle with me. So I would stay awake. We would, you know, video games and eat snacks and then cuddle on the couch. And the more we did this, the, it's like the further and further he would go, obviously, the more so it, it turned into like we were cuddling on the couch and he was like, it's really hot. Like, because we're both, you know, pressed up on this couch, like, let's take our clothes off. And I was just like, okay, whatever. Like I, I kept my panties on and I, I typically slept in a little nightgown. Like I had like that Disney collection of nightgowns that were popular back in the, in the 2000s. So I would just be chilling in my, in my panties and he would be in his underwear and that, you know, whatever and just cuddling. And again, I'm a child. I don't think anything of it. And that's as far as it went for a while. Also too. I forgot to say this earlier in the Columbus house when. After Austin and my mom got married, my, my mom's bedroom was downstairs and there was no bedroom door. So the very first time I woke up in the middle of the night and was hearing, you know, them having sex. And I had never heard anything like that. I'm four years old and I walk downstairs, there's no bedroom door. I walk in and I see it and I was just like shocked. Like, what am I looking at? So the thing about my mom is my mom, all my life has been obese. I'm not being mean, that's a fact. She was like 350 plus pounds my whole life. And because I'm not trying to be mean, like, but she was the one on top. So because of her size, I couldn't really see what was going on anyway. But I was just like, they are both naked and they're doing something I've never seen and they're making a lot of weird noises. I was traumatized. So I walk in, I see it, they go, get out of here. And I run back upstairs and I curl up in my bed and I'm like, what the hell was that? You know, like, whatever. And I didn't get any kind of talk about it, Nothing. I was expected to just go about my day. Like I didn't even see that. And so it left four year old me in a position to try and figure out what I had seen. And so that turned into me kind of mimicking what I saw. Like I would take my stuffed animals and kind of sit on them the way that my mom was and being like, now, now, what was this about? You know, what was she Doing like this and just trying to figure it out. But I. I never received any kind of. Yeah, talk. Conversation about that, which is odd, I think. But yeah, I bring it up because it kind of sparked this, this curiosity in that. Because I was just like, well, what are you doing? Like, that's it. So paired up with the fact that he's. He's grooming me and getting me, you know, undressed and cuddling with me, kissing me and stuff like that at night. And he kind of knew that I was curious about it because when you're that age, you're. You're not subtle about things like that, you know. And so he just kind of knew that I was curious. And there was a day, like, where I wanted something like a toy or, or to stay up. Maybe it was just to stay up. Can I stay up tonight? And he was like, yeah, but you gotta do something for me. And I was just like, okay, what is it? And he was like, I want you to. This is gonna be so embarrassing. Like, I've talked about my story so much and for so long and to so many people, but I've always used the terms that I. That I know what they are, but for this I'm gonna use the terms that I understood them to be when I was that age. So what he told me was happening was he said, you got to do something for me. I was like, what do I got to do? He said, I want you to suck my finger. And I was like, why? Like, that's weird. He was like, it feels good to me. And I was like, okay. Like, if that's all I got to do to. To stay up or get a toy or, or, you know, whatever it is that I want. Sure, whatever. So the first time he does it, he takes me down. He. It's the middle of the night, everybody else is awake. And he. He takes me down into our laundry room, which is next to the garage. The only way we could get any further from anybody is if we went into the garage. But we were in the laundry room and he had this. This black beanie hat. And he would put it on me and cover my eyes with it. And then he would rape me orally. And I remember like, just being like, this is not a finger. Like I. This. The shape of it is really weird. I could kind of visualize a shape in my brain. I was like, it's like arrow shaped. It's got something on the end that's kind of jutting out like that. But I didn't know what it was. Because when it came to bodies and their terms, we weren't even allowed to talk about our bodies. The term vagina, like, never heard that before. In my house, it was called a tutu. Don't know why. And also, I was. I was an aspiring dancer. Like, dance has always been my favorite thing. So when I was really young, I had this, this. This ballet lesson for little girls on. On a vhs. And I would watch it, and I was like, I want to be a ballerina. I can do that, you know? And I was just so proud that I could get my body to do the things that they were doing. So I was like, I want to be a dancer. And I still feel that way today. Like, I. I just want to be a dancer because it's. It's always made me feel good in my body. So my parents were like, well, we're not going to get you lessons, per se, but we'll get you, like, you know, DDR. That game was fun. Just dance games. I always loved those and stuff like that. And then I had, like, you know, little leotards and my little tutus and stuff. So I could. I could pretend, essentially. So to go around and. And, you know, talk about tutu is like, nobody knows what I'm talking about, you know? But, yeah, so if I didn't even know my own body, how would I know his? You know? So I was just like. I remember after, I was like, that was not your finger. Like, what was that? You know, I was like, tell me right now. Like, he was like, it was my finger. I don't know what you're talking about. And I was just like, okay, but I remember, like, you know, your knuckles have grooves. What that was was smooth, and the shape of it was different, but because I didn't see it, I didn't know. I was just like, well, I guess, you know, whatever in Christian households, because believe it or not, my parents are still raising me as Christian, telling me that if I. If I lie, if I do anything like that, I'm going to burn in hell forever. And all kinds of stuff. They. But my. The way that houses work within Christianity is there's a hierarchy. So there's God above all else, and then there's the father, then the mother, then the children. So we were expected to only listen to him. Like, if our mom said something, but he said something else, it was his word over hers. But then around this time that he started, like, doing the sexual stuff to me. He put himself up with God. To go against him was to go against God, essentially, a lot of times, like, he would see me doing something, say. Say I'm just like, eating a cookie or something. And he'll be like, who said you could have that cookie? And I would be like, mommy said I could have this cookie. And he would just, you know, go ape shit. Like, you know, what if I told you I'm the king of this house? You only listen to me. You don't listen to your mom. Don't listen to anybody but me. Hello, that's my mom. And you are not my dad. Which I didn't know that at the time, but it's just like, I don't know. And my mom would stand there and let him say this stuff. Yeah, to. To go against him was to go against God. To disobey your parents was a sin. You will go to hell is what I was taught. I. I was not given the option to ever say no. So even though what he was doing was making me wildly uncomfortable because I couldn't breathe. I'm. I'm six years old at this point. I might have been five, but I can definitely say six just because, you know, with sexual abuse, your. Your brain tends to get a little foggy on stuff like that. So even though I really hated what he was doing, I did not feel like I had the option to say anything because my. My experience before was, you know, it doesn't matter what you feel, it doesn't matter what you think, because what he says goes. That's it. I couldn't breathe. Or, like, my. I remember my teeth would scrape against him and it would make him mad. And it's like, I'm. I'm six. I don't know how to, you know, do this. Hello. Like, oh, that. That pool incident that I mentioned earlier. I. I forgot to say, after I fell in the pool, I had a crazy fear of water. And. And that continued until I was, like, 17. Like, my. My body would just freeze. Like, I would freeze up around water, even if it was only just like 3ft deep. I just. I couldn't do. Was completely involuntary. And. And sometimes, like, I would freeze and then I would call out for help. Like, could somebody come help me get away from the water, because I'm so frozen I can't move. And my parents found it hilarious. So funny that she's scared of water. And my mom was like, you used to love the water, Liliana. Why don't you love the water anymore? As if she doesn't. Yeah. So there. There was a time in California where we went to seaworld and that's. That's good and all. SeaWorld's okay. But I really only remember a couple things from this trip. So we go to SeaWorld, and there, you know, that ride where it's kind of like the rapids, everybody sits in a circle, and that big floaty thing and the water splashes up into it. Whatever. Whatever. My parents wanted me to ride that. I'm scared of water. And they. They were like, it's only like a foot deep and whatever, but because it was rushing, I can't see the bottom. And. And it's loud. That's another thing. I'm. I'm autistic. I'm autistic, so I didn't like the sound of the water either. And because I couldn't see the bottom and because my parents lied to me regularly for. For their own amusement, I didn't believe them that the water was. Was not very deep. So they wanted me to ride this. And I'm fighting them the whole time, and they're like, you're. You're being dramatic. Whatever. So we're in the line the whole time. We're in the line for this ride. I'm begging them, please don't make me ride this. Please, please, please. And. And other people in the line are seeing this happen and them going, oh, my God, Liliana, you're such a fucking baby. You're such a baby. It's so embarrassing and stuff like that, which is weird. We get to the ride, it's our turn, and we get on, and the people who are on the ride with us, it's me and my mom. My stepdad stayed behind to watch the other two girls because they were too little to ride it, obviously. So we get on, and the people that are. That are on with us are the people that were next to us in the line, obviously. So they saw the entire time, me begging my mom, please don't make me ride this. Please, please, please. So we get on it, buckled up, whatever. We start moving. I'm instantly locked. I'm back in my seat. My hands are on my little seat belt. I'm white knuckling this belt, and I'm making this horrible grimace. Apparently to my mom, like, apparently my face was. You could tell I was just terrified. And the whole time I was stuck like that. I could not move the entire ride. And anytime it bobbed, you know, I horrible grimace every time. And my mom was just laughing the entire ride, like, big belly laughs. It was so funny to her. Water would splash up into it, and I'm like, we're gonna sink. Because, you know, water gets in a boat, it's gonna sink. I'm a child. Like, I'm scared, but the whole time I'm just. Like I said, I'm frozen. I'm. I'm pale as a skeleton. And. And I've just got this horrible face on my face, I guess, but. And I'm so scared the whole time my mom is laughing. And I remember this. This other lady that was on the ride, she reached her hand out and laid her hand. I'm going to cry. Sorry. No, you're okay. It was 20 years ago, and I still just feel so strongly that this. This woman reached her hand out and placed it on my hand that was gripping my. My seatbelt. And she was just, like, rubbing my hand, trying to tell me, like, it's okay. You don't have to be scared. You don't have to be scared. And my mom's like, no, she's a baby. She's a baby. And I couldn't properly appreciate that until I was in my 20s, because I love to be like, everybody saw me being abused, and nobody did anything. But my therapist pointed out this woman to me, and I was like, you're right, because it's been 20 years since this trip. And what do I remember? I remember her. I remember her. Her auburn hair. I remember her hands. And just that. That little moment of kindness, like, that day was. That day was horrible. Horrible. Like, it doesn't even end there. Like, but I just remember that lady. And it was. It's just everything to me. I think about her all the time. Just. And it's. It's little things like that. Like, it goes for anybody. If you. If you see a child being mistreated and you speak up and the parent is like, mind your business, whatever. And you might. You might feel, like, defeated, like, there's nothing I can do to help that child. But I'm telling you, like, just. Just the fact that somebody is there for them and sees the child in that moment, the child will remember. And I know that because I was that child. You know, I survived. Yippee. And we get off the ride and we go meet my stepdad. He's got my siblings, and my mom is just telling him what happened. Oh, my God, you should have seen her. And she was, like, mocking my face, mocking my. The way I was locked up and stuff. She was just laughing. He was laughing. It was so funny, so funny, so funny. And I'm just crying to myself. Like, at this point, I had already Learned to, like, silently cry. Even. Even now, like, sometimes I want to scream and cry, and I just can't get myself to do it because I learned the only thing that's allowed to come out is the tears. And that's it. I'm not allowed to make a sound. So I was just. I was just so sad. Later on that same trip, we get to this roller coaster. I would say it's pretty. It's a pretty iconic one at Sea World. It's called Journey to Atlantis. I'll never forget it. It's the one that, at the end, it comes down in a big splash of water. So I'm standing up against the railing, and I'm getting splashed by the water, and I'm having a great time because, you know, it's California, it's hot, and, you know I'm getting splashed. And my parents were like, do you want to ride that? And I was like, like, you guys are tripping. No. Like, they were like, yeah, I think you want to ride that? And I was like, don't do this to me. Like, please. Like, don't. Like, my tears instantly started because I knew they were going to force me to ride that. And I was just like, don't. I was like, it's way too high. I was like. I remember. Like, I was. I was trying to give them every single point, like, trying to argue with them. Please don't make me write it because of this. And they would argue, and I would be like, don't make me write it because of that. So it was, like the infrastructure of the roller coaster. The people would get on and they would go up and then kind of, like, disappear. So I was like, does it go upside down? And my parents were like, no, it doesn't go upside down. But I couldn't verify that with my eyes. Like, that's. That's the kind of child I've always been. And I feel like I kind of had to be because of the parents that I had. I always had to verify things with my eyes, like, because I just didn't believe the things they were telling me. So I was like, well, I don't believe you guys because you guys lie to me. I didn't say that, obviously, but I was just like. I don't know. I was like, the people are scared. That's why they're screaming, you know, whatever, and stuff like that. And it was. It just. It was all in vain, truly. They. They dragged me over to. To see if I'm tall enough. They were like, if you're tall enough. You're gonna ride it. And I'm like, please don't. They're, they have me by the hand. I'm literally digging my heels into the concrete while they, while they drag me over to where it's high enough. And I'm, I'm putting up such a fight that people are starting to stare. Like, people are staring and my parents are like, look, everybody can see you. Everybody thinks you're such a baby. You're embarrassing yourself, you know that and stuff like that. And I internalized it. I believed them every time that I'm such an embarrassment again now that I'm older. I, I know these people are looking at you. Mistreat your child in public. That's what they're looking at. But yeah, I was just like, I don't care that I'm being embarrassing. I'm scared. Like. So they take me over to where it's the height measurement, I am tall enough. And they go, oh, you're gonna ride it. And I'm just like, oh my gosh, you thought I was crying before. I was balling my eyes out. Like, I was like begging them with everything in my body, please don't make me ride this. And surprisingly, they actually did not make me. And I was just like, oh, thank God, you know, whatever. And we continued our, our trip at Sea World and everything was fine. However, when we got home, they were like, oh, yeah, we're going to punish you for that. You deserve to be punished for being too scared at six years old to ride a roller coaster. They decided that my punishment for being a baby was I was going to be treated like a baby. I had to wear pull ups. I had to drink from a sippy cup. I'm six years old. I'm in first grade at this point. I met all of my milestones really early. So I was potty trained at 2 and I was always really independent. I could pour my own drinks, get my, get my cup and my drink out of the fridge and pour myself a drink at like 5 years old. I've always been really independent because, hello, who are my parents? I kind of have to be right. And so had to wear a pull up even, even at school. And it's like a pull up functions the exact same way as underwear. You just pull them down, pull them back up. That's why they're called pull ups. But it was about humiliation. That's what it was about. And I hated it and they knew it. And I was meant to go through it for a week and it didn't just stop at sippy cup and pull up either. It was also, if I tried to speak to them, they would go, what? I. I can't hear the baby. You hear the baby? What's the baby saying? Like, they would act like I was a baby babbling to them. And I would start crying about, I'm talking and you're. You apparently are can't hear me because I'm a baby. And so I would start crying and they would be like, oh, the baby's crying. And they would scoop me up this big exaggerated rock the baby, whatever. Yeah. So I was meant to go through that for a week. And it had been a few days of this and I was just fed up. Like, Truly. I remember my stepdad's sister. So my. My aunt was. Was at the house. And I went and asked her because I thought maybe she would be nicer than my parents. I went and I asked her because she. She knew why I was being treated that way. That's the thing. Like, there were so many adults who knew that my parents were treating me this way and did nothing, but she knew this was going on. So I went and I asked her, can we please go back to SeaWorld so I can ride the journey to Atlantis so that I don't have to be in a pull up anymore, is what I asked her. I asked, can you guys please put me back into this situation that I'm perceiving as dangerous so that I can have the respect of existing as the age that I am? And again, I went to her thinking she would be nicer than my parents, but she wasn't. She just immediately laughed and called my parents into the room. Guess who wants to ride the journey to Atlantis? And then big belly laughs. Like the sound of laughter is such a trigger for me, Truly. But just laughing, laughing. And I would start crying. I went up to my room and I had my little sippy cup of water. Cause I was dehydrated, crying my eyes out all day, every day. And I just sat in my bed and just like stared down at my comforter, drinking my little sippy cup. And when I think about the feeling of emptiness and just. Just utter defeat, helplessness, that's what I think of is that moment. I don't think I've ever felt as empty and as. As worthless and as just defeated as I did in that moment. I knew then that if I wanted my parents to love me, I needed to find a way to turn my emotions off. And it's just not possible. Like. Like I said, I've always been a sensitive kid. My emotions have always been bigger than other kids, and they still are to this day. My emotions are very big. I think it's trauma and autism, you know, but whatever. I don't know. I would try really hard not to show emotion around my parents and get punished anyway. Like, If I showed 20% of my emotion compared to the normal 100 and I would put in effort to keep my emotions to myself and only showed 20%, I would still be punished for that 20%, as if it was a hundred. And it was just like. And that would just add even more. More to me emotionally because it was like, well, I'm trying and I'm getting punished as if I'm not. And it was just like. It was just horrible. Horrible. I, at 6 years old, hated myself. I hated myself. And I just was like, my parents treat me this way because I deserve it. And I was like, there's something about me. Like, I don't know why I can't get myself to turn my emotions off. I don't know why. Like, I don't know why I have these very normal human things. And it was, it was just a lot. But yeah, I. I think honestly, putting me in a pull up for a week is probably the most up thing. Like, I'm talking about sexual abuse, but I think, I think this incident is the most up because you. That's just weird. You're a weirdo for that. Like, you're a weirdo. And I think in this, what it showed my stepfather was that my autonomy and my boundaries can be completely ignored and my mom will laugh about it. So he took the sexual abuse as far as it could go. And he asked me one night, you know, because I didn't like the oral stuff. Like, I said I couldn't. I couldn't breathe and stuff. And I didn't like it. And he was like, okay, well, do you want to do something else? And I was like, yeah, like, anything but this, right? Like, this is terrible. And he was like. He told me that he was gonna put his. This is so embarrassing. But this is what I understood it to be at the time. He said, I want to put my finger in your butt then. And I was like, why? And he was like, it would feel good to me. And again, it's just like, I can't argue with my parents. What am I gonna do? Say no? Get beaten? And then it happens anyway. Like, it's. I'm not doing it. So I just, I was just very overly compliant. And that's what. That's what this kind of abuse does to children. It makes them feel like they have no option. Like they. They just have to go with it. So he took me up to the guest bedroom. Separated from my mom's bedroom by just. Just one wall is between me and my mom. And he's doing this to me. He puts the black beanie on me and puts me on the. On the guest bed. I'm like, face down on all fours. And I remember, like, feeling something really slippery, like my. My child brain. The only thing I could think of that was so slippery was like, butter when it. So I was like, why is he putting melted butter on me right now? Like, it's just really weird. And then, yeah, he raped me. It was. It was not putting his finger in my butt. I did not understand that, like, things could go in your vagina. I thought it was like, booty only and whatever. And I think he also did that so that if I did disclose, I would just say he put a finger in my butt, which is totally different than he raped me. You know, penetrated me. So he. He did that. And all I really remember about the first time is just, like, pain. I feel like I just blacked out. I don't remember how the night ended. I don't remember going to bed. I don't remember. But after that, it was like he wanted to do it all the time. All the time. That's what he wanted to do. Even if I was asleep, he would come, wake me up and just take me to the guest bedroom. And it just made me really dissociative. Dissociation to me is kind of like instead of looking through my eyes, it's as if I'm watching this on a. On a big screen in a movie theater. I started to feel like my life isn't real and it's just something that I'm watching. And I just felt so powerless. And it was. It was after he raped me that I. That I went mute. I just. It was like I floated so far away from. From the controls. Like, if you've seen Inside out, they have that little control panel. It was like. It was like I couldn't reach it anymore. And I was just floating up above myself and just watching myself. And that went on for, like, weeks. And I wasn't talking to anyone. I would still go to school and my teacher gave me a pass because I would, like, write stuff, but I just wasn't talking to anyone. Nobody. Not a word. And most of the time when people talk to Me, I wouldn't even acknowledge them. Like, I wouldn't even look their way or anything. It was like nobody could even get through to me. When I think about what it felt like for me at this time, I just feel like. Like my soul was somewhere, like, just floating somewhere. I don't know how to describe it. It's really weird. And to just watch. Watch myself, you know, do all this stuff. He would come in and get me, and I would just get out of bed and follow him to the bedroom, like. And I just watch myself do that.

[A]

Did he do it to your siblings?

[B]

He did sexually abuse my siblings. I'm the only one that he penetrated. But I. I will say that he did sexually abuse my siblings. I. I don't really want to give details because that's. That's theirs. But I do know that he was sexually abusing them as well. But. Yeah, so. So I stopped talking to everyone, and. And people started to get worried. My mom was like, gosh, what's wrong with her? Something's wrong. Because this was so drastically different. Like, I was. I was a dancer. I wanted take a video of me, and I love to play dress up. I'd go to the grocery store in my little snow white dress. I don't care, Like. But then I became very withdrawn, very insecure, didn't want to talk to anyone. And instead of, like, doing some research, read a book. You love reading books. Read a freaking book about child behavior or something, or look online or take me to a doctor or something to figure out what happened. But she didn't. Instead, what she did was, she. While I was away at school, she read my diary. And when I came home from school, she left it open on the page where I wrote about him raping me. Except I was only six years old, so I didn't know what I was writing. And what I wrote was, I hate Austin. I didn't even say, dad. I said, I hate Austin, period. I want him out of my life, period. That's what I wrote. And she left it open on that page. And I came home and saw it. And for the first time in months, I spoke. I said, why would you do that? Is what I said. I remember I was so angry. I wanted to, like, I wanted to kick her in the shit or something, like. But instead, all I could manage was just, why would you do that? And she was like. You know, I could see in her face like, oh, my gosh, you're talking. Like, she was like, you weren't talking to anyone, honey. And I was Just like I just went up to my room. I didn't even say anything else because, because now it's like now I can't even, even my journal. I can't, I can't have my journal. Seriously. Like, it was just awful. Awful. And also too, about doctors. I, I should have mentioned earlier, like, my, my parents are very neglectful as well. We, we never went to doctors or dentists unless it was like an emergency. But yeah, like, like I'm still learning about doctors and dentists. Like I'm, that's something I'm discovering now is like, you know, we should have been to doctors. And they always said it was because we were too poor, but we were getting money from the government because they're in the military. We had, we were living in a two story house plus garage in California with enough bedrooms for everybody to have their own two bathrooms or three bathrooms actually in this house, two cars. Like, I can't stress enough. We were middle class and they're telling me we're too poor to take you to a doctor. Okie dokie, whatever. Which I didn't realize that until I was older. Now I, now I know it's just neglect. It was just neglect is all it was. Which actually with, with the neglect, there was a lot of injuries that, that t sustained in this house. There was, there was a time where she was like pretending to be a dog. So she was like, you know, as, as kiddos do, running around on all fours like pretending to be a dog. And she like slipped on something and hit her face on the linoleum floor and her teeth turned black. Her two front teeth turned black. They. They essentially died. And they didn't take her to a dentist or anything. And, and also too, in that she injured her jaw to where she couldn't like chew and swallow properly. And that's something that she has dealt with. Like I'm, I don't know if she's been to a doctor, but it's something she's dealt with at least until she was an adult. And, and the whole time, like I remember she would take a really long time to eat and she would like have to like basically liquefy her food in her mouth before she could eat it. And my parents and, and myself and my other sibling, because that's the thing, like you see your parents doing something so you think it's okay. So my parents would make fun of her for eating so slow and then we would do it too. And it's just like now, now that I know it was from this injury because it's just horrifying. Like, how do you not take your kid to the doctor? And then, and then there was also stuff like she, she stepped on this piece of glass and cut her foot pretty badly. No, no medical anything for that. There was a time where my stepdad like came through the door and like the door hit her toenail and just ripped her toenail completely off. Which was crazy. Nothing for that either. But anytime they had any kind of issue, they, they got to go to a doctor. So I don't know, it was just really weird. They really tried to make us scared of other people. I remember I had this little dress that kind of looked like a cheerleader dress. And I was like, I would be so cute as a cheerleader. I want to do cheerleading. Like that's all it took really. It was just a cute dress. It's like, I love the uniform, I want to do cheerleading. And my parents, like, when I told them, they were like, no, if you do, if you do cheerleading then you're going to get hurt. And they proceeded to tell me like some of the most graphic stories I've ever heard in my life. Going as far as to like show me pictures and stuff or like a video of like girls falling and breaking their friggin neck and stuff like that. I'm six years old. Like I'm not going to be doing, I'm not going to be getting thrown in the air or anything. But it was just about. They never wanted me to do anything extra. I couldn't do dance, I couldn't do cheerleading, I couldn't do anything or anything

[A]

that you loved or were interested.

[B]

Literally. Literally. And also too, there was a day where I wanted to take one of my toys to school. Like just to have it. I guess they were like, no, you can't take your toys to school. And, and I feel like a normal, a normal parent would be like, it's, it's because we don't want somebody to steal it or something like that or for you to lose it at school. But instead they were like, if another kid wants that, they could stab you for that. You know that, right? Like they could just stab you and take that. And I was just like, it made me so scared of other people all the time because it was, it was always like, other people are looking at you, other people are judging you, other people want to hurt you. And so I was just scared of other people all the time. And that's exactly what they wanted. We also like everything, everything we consumed was controlled in the sense of, like, tv. So, like, I was a Disney Channel kid. We were only allowed to watch Disney Channel and, like, only certain shows on Disney Channel and. And stuff like that makes it hard to relate with other kids. Like when you don't let your. Your child, you know, kind of interact with anything within pop culture. I go to school and everybody's talking about stuff that I don't know what it is, you know, like, no. Oh, music as well. The only kind of music I was allowed to listen to was country music, which, if you like country music, good for you. But I definitely do not. It's my least favorite genre of all time. And I'm. I'm more of a pop girly. I want pop. I want edm. Like, I like. I like big. I like loud. I like metal. I like. I like stuff that's emotional. I like to hear sad songs. I like to. Whatever I remember, like, being. Being like 6 years old and asking my stepdad why he doesn't listen to more girls. Like, he always listens to men singing. I was like, I want to hear some girls. Like, whatever. Like, I've always been like, this is not it, you know? But that was the only thing I was allowed to listen to. And. And just stuff like that. It made it really hard to relate to other kids. So it's like, socially, I wasn't. I wasn't being given any social skills to begin with. And then also, too, I don't have anything to talk about kids anyway, like. Or talk about with kids anyway, because I just can't relate to them. My life is so drastically different from them, and I can't talk to them about what's going on at home. So my conversations with kids at school was just school and that's it. Or I just wouldn't talk at all because it was just like, I have nothing to say, so there's no point. It was. During this time in California, I took a pretty big fall on the playground. I broke my arm. And when it happened, I went crying to my mom, obviously, and I'm holding my arm like this, and she was like, it is not broken. Like, oh, my gosh, whatever. Like, you're being dramatic. And it's like, I get it. You know, Every kid always thinks everything's broken, but it's like, can you at least look at it? Like, hello? But so I'm. I'm still crying. And she's like, okay, let's just go home from the park, because she's not calming down. So we go home and we we walk in the house. It's probably been, like, 20 minutes still. And we walk in the house, and I'm still walking around like this. And she was like, let me see your arm. I was like, here you go. I don't know why it took you so long. Let's be real. But. And it was, like, all purple and stuff. And she was like, oh, my gosh, like, it's broken. So I did thankfully go to the hospital after that. Kind of bummed because I didn't get to pick out my cast. My stepdad picked out my cast, and I'm like, okay, low key. Can I break a bone again so I can pick my cast this time? Dang. But, yeah, it was. It was like American Flag ugly and nobody could sign it. And like, oh, it's so annoying. I wanted a pink one, but whatever. Also, too, like, because of this, the sexual abuse that was going on, it. It makes kids hypersexual. And that's something that people don't want to talk about, but, like, it's a fact. Like, it starts happening. You don't understand your body. All of. I don't know. It was just weird. Like. So I started, like, masturbating a lot because I kind of already figured it out because of when I was mimicking the stuff with the stuffed animals and stuff. So I kind of already figured it out. And then I was like, oh, okay. Like, so that's happening. And my parents can always hear it. Like, they can hear the bed, you know, upstairs. And so it was like this thing that I was always doing that my parents always knew that I was doing. And they would, like. But they never would talk to me about it. I knew that they knew, like, because it's, like, I would do it, and they would come upstairs and be like, what are you doing? I'd be like, nothing. Like, stuff like that. Because that's how I learned to do it was with me on top. So it was. It was always loud. So, yeah, it was just like this thing that everybody knows that I'm doing, and still nobody's talking to me about it. Kind of odd. Also, another incident of. Of me gaining the reputation of a liar is when I was in first grade, I excused myself from the class because I had to go to the bathroom. And I go to the bathroom, and there's these two older girls in there, and they're, like, not letting me in. And I'm like, please let me in. I'm about to pee my pants. Like, actually, like, truly let me in. So I'm standing there and arguing with these. With these girls, and they're not letting me in any of the stalls. And then I pee all over myself. I couldn't do it anymore. So I was just like, okay, well, make myself back to the classroom. I tell my teacher what happened. And I told on these other girls. And she was like, okay, well, I got a change of clothes. And then she. We walked around, like, while the older classes were at recess and stuff. And she was like, point out these girls because I told her what they look like and whatever. But I didn't know who these girls were, obviously. And we walked around and I couldn't find the girls. And we went to, like, some cafeterias, like, we went to multiple places and I couldn't find these girls. And then she was like, I think you just had an accident. And you're embarrassed to say that you had an accident. And I was like, no, I had an accident. I'm not saying that I didn't. I'm saying, you know, whatever. But instead, I mean, of course, like this. That's the monologue I have in my head. But I never spoke. I'm still like that. So in my head I was just like, nobody, nobody ever believes me when I say anything. Like, nobody ever, like, whatever. And also, too, it was said to my parents, like, you know, maybe she's just embarrassed because I don't know these girls that she's talking about. And so again, my parents were like, she's a liar. Oh my gosh. And my stepdad also start around this time, started telling lies about me. So, like, he would tell people that I didn't know how to tie my shoes when I did. And it really frustrated me because I was just like, why are you telling people that? And he would be like, because you can't, and stuff like that. And I would tie my shoes right in front of him. I'm like, what are you talking about? But now, again, now that I'm older, I know it's because he wanted to maintain that reputation for me. So if I ever said anything, nobody would believe me. And low key, it was working. So because I was dissociative and had a lot of trauma, like, I started at night, especially, like around the dark and stuff like that. I started, like, seeing things and I don't know, it's hard to talk about because some people tell me, like, well, you were a child, so that's normal. But it's like, it's not normal because it wasn't happening to me before the sexual abuse. But it's like I would, I would make these little pictures on Ms. Paint. Do you remember that? Like back in the day. And my mom would print them out and I would hang them up on my wall and be like, yes, I'm an artist, whatever. And I remember I started to get scared of my own art because I started seeing it like move. I would see like faces in it and stuff. Or I would see like. I remember I saw this lady and she had like blood coming out of her mouth and stuff. Like that stuff that 6 year olds don't typically think about. And I went crying to my parents about it and they took all my pictures down but didn't do anything about the fact that I'm seeing things now. Or, or they would put me in the corner and like the, you know, like sometimes walls are textured kind of like the table. It's like again, I would see it kind of move and I would see faces or like scary faces would just pop right out at me and stuff. And I just couldn't do anything about it because nobody cares that I'm having that issue. So. But yeah, so that, that was something I was struggling with as well. I also was the flower girl in one of my cousin's weddings. So when I was really little I had this older cousin, she's about my mom's age, and she would like watch me. I remember we would make brownies and Mac and cheese and, and just hang out and have a good time. I was so young. That's kind of all I really remember is just like baking and stuff with her. And she got married and she made me the, the flower girl in her wedding. So we traveled from California to Indiana so I could do that. And I remember like, well, first of all, when I got my hair done for it, that was the first time I'd been to a hairdresser. And I sat like a, like a completely still, like statue. I remember like everybody there, like all of the adults were like, wow, she's so, like, I've never seen a kid so still. And it's like. Because, yeah, I get beaten at home. Hello. Like that's another thing. If you, if you see kids who are so obedient that it shocks you, that's a red flag, like truly. And, and I'll get into that later because. Yeah, but I was just super still. I got my little dress, I felt like a little princess. I had little heels, I felt like a little lady, whatever. And yeah, it was, it was all fun. But I remember at the reception, the bride the groom and all the bridesmaids and groomsmen and stuff, they. They wrote in on a limousine. And I felt left out because I was like, I'm in here too. I'm the flower girl. Hello. So I was. I was being kind of pouty about it. I didn't cry. I didn't. I didn't make a scene, but I was kind of pouting, you know, and my cousin, this. This cousin that I was kind of close with, we. We kind of grew up together up until my stepdad started isolating me. But she and I were close, so she was at the reception too, and. And I wanted to go stay the night with her. So I was asking my mom, like, can I go stay the night with her? And she was like, sure. So I, you know, get my change of clothes and I go home with her. And that night we're laying in bed and we're going to sleep, and she. She falls asleep. And I have it in my brain that the way that I pouted today was not acceptable. I sat there and I. And I got out of bed at 6 years old and got a notebook and a pen, and I forced myself to write lines in the middle of the night because I was pouting because I didn't get to ride in the limousine. And I remember my cousin woke up, and she looked over and she was like, what are you doing? Like, you need to go to bed. And I was like, no, I deserve this. I literally said that at 6 years old, I'm saying stuff like that. Heartbreaking, truly. And I consider that to be. Even though it's not physical self harm, I do consider that to be my first. My first kind of bout of self harm. Just forcing myself to write lines over something that's completely normal, you know, doing it. There's. Nobody's making me do it. I'm making me do it. And I think that really goes to show just. Just, you know, how. How my parents were treating me, how it was affecting me. I felt like I was bad all the time. I needed to be punished all the time. So, yeah, I was. I was dealing with that and. And just always hating myself in general. And also too, like, occasionally. Occasionally he would get deployed. So he would be gone for like a week, two weeks. I remember there was a big one where he was gone for six months. I was like, oh, my gosh, it was heaven. I got to sleep in my mom's bed with her. Which was. Which was something like when. When kids are sexually abused, they tend to regress to a Younger age. So they'll do things like wet the bed again, you know, suck their thumb again, stuff like that. And, and that was definitely. I just wanted to sleep in my mom's bed. I just wanted to cuddle my mom. And so I got to. Whenever he was gone.

[A]

Was she nicer to you when he was gone?

[B]

It's not that she was nicer, but it's. It's kind of like he, he was the big one. So like the big monster's gone. I can breathe with, with my mom, she wasn't. So like, you know, not every little thing set her off like it did for him, but, but she was still like, my mom is very much like, she'd rather just, oh my gosh, these kids, like, leave me alone, you know, like, I want to do what I want to do. Get out of here. Kids like that. But yeah, so I, I just always wanted to cuddle my mom and, and, you know, sleep in her bed and stuff like that. And it was just, I loved when he wasn't around. At some point during one of his deployments, he got injured and so he received an honorable discharge because he could no longer serve. And from that point he was disabled. And so now both of my parents are unemployed and all of our money is coming from the government. We're still middle class, which I'm like, how are you? I didn't know the government gave that much money, but I guess for military, yeah, they do. So, yeah, from this point until I say otherwise, my parents are both stay at home parents. And it's odd that he's too disabled to work, but not disabled enough to stop sexually abusing kids. But that's just me, like, whatever. So now that he's no longer deployed or in the Navy, we moved back to Indiana to be around, you know, our family and stuff like that. So at this point, I'm 7 years old and I'm starting my third grade year. The way that I was treated by other kids was immediate and drastically different. They, you know, they came in, they introduced me to the class. Does anyone have any questions? She's from California. Does anybody have any questions about California? And a kid raised their hand, why are you so tan? And I was like, I don't know. I've never been asked that question before. I was like, I don't know. I think I just got a tan in California is what I said. But then, like, you know, a few months went by. I'm still tan. Why are you so tan? I don't know. My parents never explained to me that I was a person of color. Like, so I would hear my parents talk about people of color. Like, oh, my gosh. Like, being in California, the. The Hispanic population there is really heavy. And there's nothing wrong with that. But my parents hated Mexican people, which was odd because my mom had a Hispanic friend. So how do you have a Hispanic friend? And you're. But she also had a black friend, and I was friends with her son. He was in the grade above me. And everybody was like, they're so cute together. It's like, we're children.

[A]

Stop.

[B]

But anyway, so we would always hang out with them. And my. My stepdad would, like, flip his shit, like, call her the N word with a hard R and be like, I don't want you hanging around them and stuff like that. But my mom was just like, ignore him. That's just how he is. Like, I don't know why people are like that. Like, why are you excusing that? That's so weird. But anyway, so, yeah, I saw the way that my parents treated people of color, and I didn't know that I was a person of color. I just thought I was tan because I lived in California. Like, I'm just getting a tan on the beach, bro. Like, whatever. But I started to get bullied a lot at school for being ugly. Like, that's the number one thing that I received as a kid. You're ugly. Like, you're so ugly. And now that I'm older, I think it was just racism. I think they weren't used to certain features that I have. You can definitely tell I'm a person of color more when I don't have makeup on. But, yeah, I think they just weren't used to seeing certain features. But again, I internalized that I'm ugly. And clearly that affects me because at home I'm told I'm ugly and worthless and all kinds of stuff. Anyway, so at school, I'm also ugly and therefore unworthy of friendship. Because I'm ugly. Because that's something I had learned previously and stuff like that. So it was just tough. And while I was in third grade, there was a time where I started. I developed this, like, really bad cough. Like, I would cough, and then I couldn't catch my breath. And my parents thought I was just sick, so they kept me home from school for a couple days. But it wasn't getting any better. So they were like, okay, I guess we gotta go to the doctor. So we go to the doctor and they. They get some X rays of my My lungs. And I remember the doctors were so nice to me because I was so little. So they were like, you know, we're gonna put this on you like a dress, and you're doing such a good job. Like, they were so smiley and accommodating and whatever. But once. Once the X ray came up, they got serious, and they turned to my parents and they were like, do you guys see all this smoke in her lungs? Like, you guys see that, right? She can't breathe. She's having trouble breathing because your guys have secondhand smoke. Like, don't smoke around her because this is, like, excessive for how old she is. And my parents immediately were like, that's bullshit. I don't know what you're. I don't think you know what you're talking about. Secondhand smoke isn't real and stuff like that, whatever. But I got prescribed an inhaler to take. So I had one for home and one for school. And I was meant to take it, you know, after. After recess, after gym class and then at home just as. As needed. But the inhaler that I had for home, my parents kept a hold of it, and I had to ask them anytime I wanted it. Which is fine. You don't want your kid abusing the inhaler or anything. But whenever I asked my parents for my inhaler, they would go, do you need it? I don't think you need it because you're asking me, so you clearly, you can breathe. You're asking me for it, so I think you can breathe. Yeah, I don't think you need it that bad. And then eventually I just stopped asking for it. But at school, it's like, I would just go say, I'm here for my inhaler. They would hand it over, no problem. And. And I wish that I could make the connection. Like, my parents aren't treating me right. But instead, it was always like, I guess I don't need it because I can ask whatever. But it. It was hard, like, you know, running and jumping and stuff like that. It was. I still kind of struggle with it. Like, especially, like, trampolines, like, trigger it so bad. I don't know what it is, but can I catch my breath on those? But yeah, so. And I remember going around and telling everybody I have smoke in my lungs because I felt like. I felt like I had a superpower or something, like I could breathe fire or something. I was like, the doctor said I have smoke in my lungs. And my teacher was like, that's concerning. You know, again, the the physical abuse and the sexual abuse is still continuing. It's, it's all still going on. So. Yeah, it's still going on. There was, there was also a pajama day at school. So I was like, I'm gonna wear my pajamas to school. And, and my stepdad was like, no, you're not gonna participate in pajama day because I don't want anybody to see you like that. I'm like, see me? Like, what? But it was, it was for. We were gonna watch Polar Express and get hot chocolate and we could all wear our pajamas. And I was like, everybody's doing it, so I want to do it and I don't care if he told me no. So for the first time in my life, I like kind of rebelled. I put my pajamas on under my clothes and then took my clothes off when I got to school. And I was wearing like a long sleeve pink shirt and it had this little cheetah on it and then the pants were cheetah print pants. And I had a good time, but then I was stupid and completely forgot to put my clothes back on. So when I got home, I got, yeah, beaten for participating in pajama day because he sexualizes my pajamas. I'm like, that's not my problem, but whatever. Also, this one's really weird, but he forced me to get my ears pierced. Like I was turning eight and they, he wanted me to get my ears pierced for my eighth birthday. And I was like, I don't want my ears pierced. Like, it's just not something I want. And he was like, no, I think it's because you're a sissy. Like, that's another thing. Like, my parents hated sensitivity and crying. They would say, I'm a sissy. I'm a crybaby. My mom has told me once that she would rather be poor than be a crybaby. I'm like, okay, you're a weirdo. Like, I don't know. So it was just like I hated it. And it was, it was relentless. Like anytime I said anything, they would just be like, yeah, it's because you're a sissy and stuff like that. Just straight bullying me like I'm a child. Hello? But yeah, so eventually I was like, just take me to get my ears pierced. Like, please, please. Because that's the thing. Like, they would always just, just push me to the point to where I was just like, just do whatever you want. Truly. Like, I'm just so sick. So I went and got my ears pierced. I didn't Cry or anything. I did kind of like flinch. And they had a field day with that. But it's like, I don't know what you guys want from me. Like, I went and I did it, and it still wasn't good enough. But then later in life, when I want piercings, all of a sudden I'm not allowed to have them. How weird is that? Anyway, I also think that the school that I went to, like, the staff treated me badly. I think there was a. There was a time where I heard this. This girl on my bus told me a rumor about this boy. It was an inappropriate R. And I went and repeated the rumor to somebody else. The next day at school, I got called into the principal's office, and it was the boy that the rumor was about. And then a couple other people. And she was like, did you say this rumor about this boy? And I said, yeah, I did say that. Like, I'm not gonna deny it. I did say that. I was like, but I heard it from somebody else. I heard it from this person. She was like, no, you made it up. I know you did. I heard it on the camera. And I was like, well, I didn't. And she was like, I'll pull it up right now. The bus camera. It picks up audio. We can hear you. You made up that rumor. And I was like, no, I didn't. And it went on for, like, literally, like 20 minutes of her just grilling me in front of these three other kids. They're all white. She's white. And I can't help but feel it's a racism thing, because I kept stressing to her, like, for God's sake, just pull up the camera, then show me, because whatever. But I kept telling her, no, it was this other girl. So she calls the other girl into the. Into the office, says, did you say this about this boy? She went, no, that's it. That's the only time she asked her. Only time she asked her. So they were dismissed. They called up my parents and told my parents, and I. My heart just sank into my frigging butt because, like, I knew I was going to get my shit rocked when I got home. And. And I did. I came home. Like, they. They called my parents, said. Said what I did, and the rumor was inappropriate. And that. That made it even worse. It wasn't. It wasn't about the fact that I'm gossiping and lying, quote unquote. It's the fact that the rumor was really inappropriate. But again, it was something I heard from someone else. And so they tell my parents. They send me home with a note that has to get signed and all kinds of stuff. And I get home, I tell my parents the same story, and they were like, do you really expect us to believe that? They were like, you probably sat there on the bus like, yeah, that's a good lie. I'll go with that one, huh? And I was like, I'm telling the truth, dude. Like, I'm telling the fucking truth. And, yeah, I got. I got beaten pretty badly for that. Yeah, I. I just find it really odd that you grilled me for, like, 20 minutes. But you asked that other girl one time, another white girl that she brought in. I was just internalizing so much. Like, I was. I felt like a freaking black hole on the inside all the time. All the time. Just something's wrong with me. I don't know why other people treat me this way, but they do. And I'm turning myself inside out. I'm praying to God this God that I'm being told exists and is watching me all the time. I'm. I'm asking him to just do whatever you need to do to. To make other people treat me nicely. Like, if I have to sacrifice something, just tell me what it is. Like, I just. I hated it. Or I was just like. You know, I would literally pray to just die in my sleep. Like, I'm like eight years old. Seven. Eight years old, praying to just die in my sleep because I'm so unhappy to cope with my emotions. Like, Because I wasn't allowed to express anger. Especially, like, anger. Big. No, no. Like, I'm. I'm not even allowed to show anger in my eyes. Like. And I'll get to that. But. So a lot of times if I was getting, like, lectured or. Or punished for something or something, I. I started, like, instead of gritting my teeth or just kind of, like. Because they could always see it in my face if I got mad. So then I started focusing my energy, like, more on my hands. So then I would just start gripping myself and digging my. My nails into myself and stuff like that. And I was like, wait, this is actually really effective. So at 8 years old, when I was upset, I would go up to my room and I would scratch my legs until they bled. I would, like, pinch myself. I would pull my hair out in my brain. I genuinely thought it was better. I had been doing it for a while. And I remember my. My mom, like, I think she was complaining about him, like, being mad and, like, slamming stuff or something, and she was like, I get that he's angry, but he doesn't need to act like that. And I was like, yeah, I know. Like when I'm angry, I just scratch myself. And she like, just looked at me and she was like, what? I was like, yeah. She was like, don't do that. And I was like, why not? She was like, cuz, like, just don't do that. But that's the only. That's the only thing she said about it. So obviously I just continued doing it. Like I said earlier, I really loved school. I loved learning. I always got good grades. When I was younger, like in California, like, my. I remember my grandma was really, really praising me for. For how smart I was. She would like, give me a book and be like, read me this one now. Read this one to me. And she would be like, wow, you know that word and stuff like that. Like, she was just praising me. And we have like a home video of her being like, you guys couldn't read this good when, when you were her age and stuff like that. And like, just really, really gassing me up. I felt like, oh, okay, like they like that I'm smart so I'll keep getting good grades so I can get praised because. Because clearly this is a good thing. And I. And it was easy for me anyway. But it went from something I was praised for to something that was expected of me. And they told me that if my grades ever dropped, I would get beaten. So that was a lot to deal with. But at the same time, it also kind of wasn't because, like I said, it came very naturally to me. Like, I never had to study very hard to get straight A's and stuff. But in third grade or maybe fourth grade, I'm not sure. It was in this house that I. I brought home my report card. I brought home my first and my only C plus that I've ever received on my report card. And it was in social studies. I really struggle with social studies because dates and names I'm not good with. And yeah, they were like, well, we told you what was going to happen. I got a ritualistic beating for that. That was it. They didn't help me with my homework. They didn't ask me what it was that I was struggling with. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Just a beating and that's it. I'm literally getting bruised over a C plus. And. And also they were just kind of weird about my school in general. Like, so in Indiana, like, it's. I don't know if you've ever been there, but it's like oh, my gosh. There's. There's nothing over there. It's just long, straight roads and corn. Like, you have to drive, like, half an hour just to get to a Walmart. Like, I always call it, like, Bum Indiana. Like, there's nothing there. So the. The school bus ride was typically about an hour. So I would get my homework. Obviously, I'm an efficient girl. Like, I. I would. In the mornings, I would brush my hair and brush my teeth at the same time. Like, I'm autistic. So I'm all about, let's. Let's be efficient, you know? So I was like, well, obviously I'm gonna do my homework on the bus. And my parents, like, for some reason, really didn't like that. So they started. They started checking my homework to see, like, you know, the bus. Like, when it hits a bump and it kind of makes you shake. They would, like, check my handwriting for that. And then I would get beaten if. If they found out they did that I did it on the bus, and I'm just like, why does it matter? Like, they would always tell me it's called homework, not bus work. And I'm like, okay. I guess I see that, like, as a kid, I'm just like, okay, I deserve it, because I should be doing it at home. But now that I'm older, I'm just like, what the fuck was that about? Like, right? You guys are weird. Hello. Like, during this time, I had my. I had my own room, and then my sister shared a room, and there was a day where T came to me, and she was like. She was kind of telling me that she was scared. Like, she was scared to go to bed. And my heart just, like, sank. This was when I found out that he was abusing them, too. And I was like, why? Like, I. I knew the answer that I was looking for, and I knew she was going to say it, but I needed to verify it first. And she told me that he was. He was going in and abusing her. And I was just like, okay, that's. That's not gonna happen, because I know what it feels like. And. And as the oldest, like, it's. The. The oldest child always gets that. That responsibility pushed on them. You're the oldest. You have to lead by example. You have to protect your. Your siblings and stuff like that. So. Yeah. Or, like, a lot of times I would get punished for things. Like, if my siblings did something bad, I would get punished, too, because it's like, clearly you're not a good enough influence, whatever that means. You know, whatever, because we're all two years apart. I don't know, Whatever. But yeah, so I. I immediately was like, okay, well, I have to protect them, obviously. So I moved them, both of them. Like, Em didn't have to tell me anything. I was like, I'm moving you both into my bed. I had a queen size bed with this big fluffy pink comforter on it, you know, bougie like that. And had them in the bed with me, and then I had them on the inside with me on the outside. Because he. He would, like, come and, like, molest us and Stu. So I was just like, well, if I'm the one on the outside, he's probably not gonna reach over and try to get to them, you know? So I was like, I'll just be on the outside. And I would wake up and he would be like, orally raping me. Or like there was times where he would just push his penis, like, up against my face and stuff. While I'm sleeping with the siblings in that bed. Yeah. And it would just, like, wake me up. But I always was like, you know, just stay asleep, because if I wake up, he's gonna try to like, take me to the basement or something and do other stuff, but. So I would just like, roll over and stuff. Oh, my gosh. I completely forgot, like, my. My worst memory that I have. I must have, like, blacked out. Forgot about it. But in California, before he started, like, raping me and stuff, there was a night where I was laying in bed pretending to be asleep, and he lifted up my nightgown. And I'm only sharing this because it's my. It's my worst memory. I kind of daydream about my mom finding this and watching it or something. And so I'm like, yeah, you're gonna hear my worst memory. Sorry, you have no choice. But my. My worst memory, I'm laying in bed and I'm pretending to be asleep. And he comes in and he's standing over me and I'm like, yep, just keep pretending to be asleep. He's just checking on me. And he slowly pulls the blanket down and he slowly lifts my nightgown up. And I'm just. Again, I'm like, I'm not supposed to feel this. I'm asleep. So I'm just laying there. Then all of a sudden, really, really quickly, like, he was moving slowly. And then all of a sudden, really quickly, he takes my underwear, moves it, grabs my vagina, opens it with his hands, and then just like, face in it, just going to town, and I was just, like, immediately just rolled over. Like, my heart was pounding. All I could. All I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears, and I was just like, what was that? Like, nobody had ever done anything like that to me before. Like, it was just horrifying. Like, to this day, like, sometimes I'll get a flashback of it, and that, like, it literally makes me, like, sick to my stomach. Like, sometimes I will go and make myself throw up just to. Just to relieve the nausea I feel when I think about that. I've been around a lot of people sexually, and nobody has ever handled my genitalia that rough before. And I was. I was a child. Like, it's just disgusting. You're disgusting. And I remember, like, he would wake me up doing that stuff, and then he would go and have sex with my mom, and it was always, like, really loud. So it was like he would wake me up and then essentially just make me listen to him having sex with my mom. It was just, like, really weird. But, yeah, so I started having my. My sister sleep with me, and he would wake me up, and I. I just always was like, well, at least it's not them. That was. That was just the only thing I cared about. At least it's not them. So. Yeah, and. And I was glad that they told me. I wish that I knew back then to tell like, an adult, but I just thought what he's doing is normal, and I'm the weirdo for feeling uncomfortable about it because that's how much I didn't trust my. Myself and my own emotions. So I was always just like, you know, better me than them, even if it makes me uncomfortable. And. And I have no one to tell because according to him, this is normal,

[A]

you know, well, anytime you did tell an adult anything, nothing good came of it.

[B]

Yeah, literally that too. Like, I didn't have. I didn't have a trustworthy adult in my life. He started isolating us from the family. So, like, we were going to the church, and I have some great aunts that we would stay with. Like, pretty much every weekend. You know, I would be with my grandma or with one of my aunts and stuff like that. But then it became, we're not allowed to see these people, not allowed to go to church, not allowed to really do anything except for, like, you know, the big stuff like Christmas or Thanksgiving and stuff like that while I was away at school. And t had also started school at this point, so we were both at school. And Em was still. Yeah, too young. She she was already potty trained at this point and stuff. But I came home from school and I saw this really weird drawing. Like, I couldn't tell what it was. It kind of looked like like a carrot. And I was like, what is this? Like, I asked my mom, like, what is that? She told me that Em had told her that Austin had exposed himself to her. And she was like, in order to get her to. To prove it, she wanted her to draw it. And that's what that drawing was. Mind you, Em is only like 3 years old right here. And my mom did nothing, absolutely nothing after this. And so I saw that. I saw that she told our mom. And the way that our mom was just so casual about it, I was. Again, it just reinforced this is normal, and there's something wrong with me for feeling some type of way about it.

[A]

And how long did this go on? Until you're what, age?

[B]

Like the sexual abuse? Yes, until I was 11.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So. Yeah. And. And also too, in this house, I remember there was a time we had like a bunch of his family over. He was making like, he. He was a really good cook. I will give him that. So a lot of times people would. We would get together and eat some good food, and we had so many people over that we had to get out like a kiddie table. And I had to sit there with my sisters. And again, I was kind of pouting because you guys. You guys give me the responsibilities of an adult, but you won't let me sit at the adult table or whatever. I felt like I was a grown up in every way except for the way that I was treated. So I was just kind of pouting about it. Again, not. I think maybe I was crying a little actually, but I was just upset because I wanted to sit at the adult table. That's all it was. And my stepdad, like, came over and kneeled next to me. So he's like right in my face and he grabs me by the face and forces me to look at him. And he could see that I was mad, like, in my eyes. I don't think that I glared at him or anything. I think I just looked back at him. But the fact that he could see that I was angry, he just, like. I could see his eyes just went dead. And he grabbed me by the arm and took me. So the. The dining room where we were, the basement door was right there. Like, you can go down to the basement from the dining room. And the stairs were like, where there's a little bit of stairs. And then A landing and then more stairs kind of going off to the side. So he grabs me by the arm and he pushes me down the. The first few stairs. And then we get to the landing and he grabs me by the arm again and he drags me down the rest of the stairs. And you can hear my feet just, like, down the stairs. And then he just starts beating the, like, the. Out of me down there, truly. And he brings me back up, and I just look at all the other adults, and all the other adults are just staring down at their plate. Nobody wants to say anything. And then I just sat back down at the table. Expected to just like, as if that didn't happen. Hello. Like, over and over again. The adults around me knew and did nothing. Once I started sixth grade, we moved to French Lick, Indiana, which is about two hours away from where we were previously living. I'm not sure why we chose this location. Again, same thing, nice house out in the country, just. Yeah. And this is when I started middle school. So I'm in sixth grade, starting middle school. And it was kind of scary, but it was also, like, kind of cool. And I like. During the tour of the school, the guidance counselor is leading me around, and she asked me, like, what kind of grades do you tend to get? She was like, a's, B's, C's. And I just kind of was like, yeah, A's, B, C's, like, just repeated that back to her. And my parents were like, no. You know what happens if you bring home a C? And I was just like, gulp. You know, like, geez. Like, that's the thing. They felt comfortable bringing it up even in front of other people and seeing how scared I could get in the moment. It's really weird. But at the school, I kind of felt like I felt like I had a decent friend group because previously I was just always. At the previous school, I was just always bullied for being ugly. I think I had maybe one friend the three years that I was at that school. But at this point, I felt I fit in a lot better. There was a group of people kind of like misfits. Like, you know, everybody was starting to form their own little cliques in middle school, and I found, you know, a group of kids that all seemed kind of, like, kind of troubled, I'd say, as an adult. But yeah, those were my people, and I felt comfortable around them. So I felt like I had. I had a good group of friends, and I liked it there. I liked the. The school and stuff. But at home, like, everything was exactly the same. Just constantly walking on eggshells all the time. Yeah, just. Just being scared all the time, not being able to sleep. Like, that's another thing. Like, my parents, I don't know, I either couldn't sleep or I would sleep, like, way too much. And that's something I still struggle with because my sleep is just hard to regulate because of everything that was going on. And, yeah, it's like I was under. I was under so much stress, like, to go to school, get good grades, or else I receive physical violence, come home, protect my siblings from sexual abuse, get sexually abused myself, get physically abused, like, over every little thing. And I. I'm cut off from the world. I have nobody to talk to. I can't even. It's not like I can call up my friends or something. The only phone in the house was a home phone, like a landline, and I'm not allowed to use it. So, like, it was just. Every day was the same. School, home, dinner, shower, and then go to bed, get sexually abused. I can't sleep. I'm stressed out. Rinse, repeat. And I was just under so much stress all the time, and it was definitely starting to show. I became a lot more emotional. Like, it was like. I mean, like I said, I was. I was sensitive already, but it was like little things would just make me cry uncontrollably. And my mom was like, why are you crying like that over this? And I would be like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. There's something wrong with the way I'm developing clearly in this house. He started, like, coming in while I was in the shower, just, like, to hang out and talk to me, I guess. And it always made me really uncomfortable. Like, I not allowed to talk back or have any kind of attitude, but I felt like I was being passive aggressive. Like, he'd be like, you know, what are you doing showering? Like, stuff like that. Like, why are you in here? You know? And my mom knew, like. Like, my mom would see him come into the bathroom and lock the door behind him while I'm in the shower, do nothing, of course. And, yeah, so. So I had that going on, and it was just. It was just difficult because I had no privacy. I. I couldn't even, you know, like I said, my journals, I couldn't. I couldn't write it. And all this time, I was still writing in a journal because I had feelings. I need to get them out. So I would still write in my journal. But. But obviously there were things that I Knew I couldn't put in there because they would read it, and my parents would literally read it and write notes and leave them in my journal. Like, it's. This isn't a message board. This isn't. This is my journal. And you guys are being. This is your life. Yeah, but they. They would sit there and read me writing about how unhappy I was, how. How much I wanted to die and. And just whatever. And they would be like, I can't believe you hate us so much and whatever. It's like, oh, my gosh. Like, I truly just felt I had. I had no wiggle room. I was suffocating all the time is what I felt like. And for some reason, he started treating me like. Like I was his wife. I don't know. Like, my. My siblings noticed it too. Like, to this day, we'll talk about it, and they'll be like, do you remember when he was treating you like his wife? I'm like, how could I forget, bro? Because it went from treating me like I'm a stupid child and into. He's treating me like I'm a grown woman, like, I'm his wife. All of a sudden, he. He wants. He's pulling me into his chair. Like, I remember there was a time he. I walked past him because if I wanted to get to the rest of the house from my bedroom, I always had to walk past him, and vice versa. I could never move through the house without getting past him first. And so I walk past him one day, and he grabs me by the arm and pulls me into his chair with him. And he's, like, got his arms around me. He's holding me all close and again, like, this is not normal. Or at least, like, he only did this at nighttime when he was abusing me. And so for him to do it during the day, like, it was just weird. It was. It was just really weird for me. And he pulled me into his chair, and he put his hand down my pants, and he, like, had his hand on my pubes that were, like, just growing, like, truly. And he was, like, whispering in my ear, like, your mom is jealous of you because I love you more than I love her and stuff like that. And I was just like, what? Like, my. My mom is a lot of things, but jealous of me is not one. Is what I felt like. I was like, my mom acts the same as she always has, like, you are tripping or whatever, But I just didn't say anything. And I remember my heart was, like, pounding and pounding, and I like, for the first time in my life, I was like, can you get your hand out of my pants? Like, that was the only. That was the first time I ever asked him to, like, back off. And he, like, looked at me, ripped his hand out of my pants, and shoved me out of the chair. And I was just like, okay, I. I don't even remember what I needed out of my room for now. I just went back to my room. I was just like, whatever. And the thing is, like, that whole time, my mom is. We had two living rooms, so she would sit in that one and kind of read, and then he would sit in the other one and play his video games. If I leaned forward in the chair like this, I could see her right there. Like, this is all happening. There's not even a wall between us anymore. It's like, there's no excuse. Yeah. I think he was just trying to, like, push a rivalry between me and my mom or something. And I don't know why, because I was like, you're just being weird. And, like, he would also, like, play footsie with me under the table, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. And there was a day he did it in public, and I was like, that's too far. Like, I was getting closer and closer to, I can't take it anymore, and I'm gonna tell somebody. Like, we were at a restaurant, and he was like, you know, doing that with his foot. And I. I looked up at him like, did you mean to do that? Or whatever. And he just had, like, this. This. You know when men think they're being charming and they get a little smirk on their face, like, no. So I was like, what are you doing? And he smirked at me, and he was like, I'm playing footsie with you. And I got up and went to the bathroom, and I just cried because I was just like, I don't know. He's doing it in public now. I went back to the table, and he went up to go get more food. We were at, like, a sushi bar or something. So he. He got up, and while he was gone, I asked my mom to, like, switch seats with me. I was like, I don't want to sit next to him. He's making me uncomfortable. And so we switched seats, and whatever. He comes back, he's like, why'd you guys switch seats? And my sister had a habit of, like, she was young. She just blurted things out. You know, it's going to happen a few times. She just said, oh, Lily said, you're making her uncomfortable. And he just Gave me this look, like I knew I was going to get it when we got home. Like, I knew. Like, he was just so angry and so disappointed, and again, my heart just sank and I can't eat my food anymore. That for some reason, reminded me of another story. I don't know if this is relevant, but I'll go ahead and tell it anyway. But there was another time. We were at a restaurant, and I saw somebody that I went to school with at the restaurant. So I was like, oh, hey. Like, waving at them, smiling at them and stuff. And he leaned over and whispered in my ear, if you don't stop looking at that, at them over there, I'm gonna beat your ass when we get home. And I just, like, you know, face dropped. I got tears in my eyes, and I tried not to look at them anymore. Or anytime I did catch their eyes, like, I would, you know, give a little wave, but they. They could tell something was wrong. So they saw me at school, and they're. They asked, like, why were you crying? Like, what happened? And I was just like, I don't know, like. Because that's the thing, like, when you feel like you're in the wrong. Like, if I could make myself not cry, I would, but it's just what it was. And it was. It was just so awkward. Like, my people from school never really saw my parents, but when they did, like, kids were always like, your stepdad is so scary. Like, your stepdad, I don't know. Like, he. There's just something off about him and stuff. Like, it's apparent to everyone. And I was just like, yeah, I don't like him either. Like, that's about it. That's all I could do. And he was just getting really, really, really ballsy and French lick, like, you know, doing this stuff in public. He would bring up the fact that I, like, masturbate in front of other people. Whereas previously, it was like, we just never talked about it. Nobody ever talked about it. And then all of a sudden, he would bring up things that I would do that only I would know about, and he would just, like, bring it up in a conversation, and my eyes would, like, dart over to him, and he would just be looking right at me with that little smirk on his face and. And also, too, that let me know that he's watching me masturbate. So in this house, there was enough bedrooms for everybody, but one of the bedrooms was converted into his music room. So T and I shared a bedroom. We had a bunk bed. It was awesome. Love a bunk. Bed. And then Em had her own room. It was that way for like a whole year. And Austin started, like, he would come into the room and climb into bed with me. And like, if I was on the bottom bunk, I mean, grown man not climbing up on the top bunk, but, you know, he would crawl into bed with me and spoon with me, and it would wake me up, and then my heart would start pounding, pounding, pounding. And he could feel it, like, because his hands were on my chest all the time. My. My non existent chest. I'm 11, like, and he would feel my heart pounding. And he. He liked it. Like, he liked when I got scared. He would tell me, like, you know, oh, your heart's beating so fast. It's. Cause I'm here. Like, you. You love it, don't you? And I'm just like. He thought it was more like, I'm excited. I'm like, no, I'm fucking scared. Like, you're being weird again. In my brain, I was just like, I have to protect my siblings. So I made Em come out of her room. I was like, sorry, girl. We're all three of us are gonna cram up in this top bunk so that he can't reach us. And it was so, like, uncomfortable because we. We. To get us all to fit, we all had to basically, like, sleep with our knees up against our chest, basically, and lay kind of sideways. And I thought, if he can't reach us up here, then maybe he won't do anything. But I think instead I just provided a perfect face level of all of our genitalia right there. So I was woken up with him just moving my underwear to the side and just doing whatever he wanted and just waking me up. And there was a day where he did that, and I don't even know. I used my hand, pushed him away again. I never did that. I always just laid there and took it for the most part. But I was just. I don't know what I felt that day, but I was just like, get off me, bro. And I pretended to be asleep while I did it. Just like a quick, you know, swat away. And I heard him walk away. And then he's standing in the. In the. Like the hallway, the doorway outside the bedroom. And he was. He started talking and going like, you stupid bitch. Like, you're such a fucking bitch. Like, always ruining my fun and. And stuff like that. And I, like, peeked open my eyes and I had, like, this mirror above my dresser that. That I could see the do. And I could see him just standing in the Doorway, horror movie level, scary. Hello? And just going like, you're a fucking bitch. Like, you always ruin my fun. And I'm just like, what the hell is he talking about? Right? And then he comes back in. He grabs the railing of the top bunk, pulls himself up, and then, like, slams his fist down on my chest. And it knocked all the air out of me. I sat up immediately and was, like, gasping for air. And he. He just left the room. And I couldn't even say anything because what can I say, you know? So I catch my breath, and I look over at my sibling, and T is. Is awake, and she's looking at me. And I was like, did you see that? And she was like, yeah. And I look over at the clock, and it's like 4 in the morning. And I'm just like, I think this is it. Like, I've got to tell somebody. Like, I just. I just didn't know what to do. Like, it was just so uncomfortable, but I didn't know who to tell. I didn't know. I still didn't even really understand what was happening. I just knew that I didn't like it. So at some point in school, in my health class, we. We had a class about abuse. And I learned then and there that everything that I had been thinking my whole life up to this point was correct. I'm being abused at home. And not only that, but sexual abuse. And. And especially the part about oral. Like, I was just like, I didn't even know people put their genitalia in other people's mouth. Like, I didn't even know that was a thing. Like, it just. It horrified me. So. So the same day, I told my friend group at school what was going on. I think at best, some of them were like, that's nasty. That's really messed up. You know? But there was a few of them that did not believe me. And they. They were like, I think it's really gross that you would lie about something like that and stuff like that. I get that they're children too, but it. It hurt me then and it hurts me now. It definitely affected me because now I can't trust my family. I can't trust my friends too. And so I was just like, well, okay, maybe I'm misunderstanding something. So then I dialed it back and kept it to myself again because the way that the textbook said it was like, go to the police. This is wrong. Like, this is wrong. Should not happen. But anytime I told anyone, they seemed to react like it was nothing. So I was just like, Maybe I'm just wrong about it. So I sat on it for a while. I sat on it for so long that that school year ended and another one started. And I remember one of the girls, she was like, do you remember last year when you were trying to convince us you were being abused? Yeah, I remember. And I'm glad you think it's so funny. Like, truly, you know, like, I remember telling you I was abused and you saying I was disgusting for it, like, whatever. So I just kept sitting on it. And he also, like, at this time, he, like, I said he loved hunting, so he wanted to take me hunting. I was never a hunting girl. Like, I had been hunting before, but normally when I went, I preferred to, like, pick mushrooms or something like that. I had my own. My own weapons. And they were always really big on, like, shooting guns. Like. Like I said, they had BB guns. They would literally, like, while my siblings and I are trying to sleep, my parents would have BB gun fights in the house. I'm like, okay, whatever. Like, just really weird. But they also had a lot of actual firearms, you know, ranging from shotguns to handguns and stuff. And they were. They were always shooting them. And I was scared of guns, even though I had my own. And my parents would, like, make me come outside and do target practice with them, and I would. I would shake and I would cry while I'm holding the gun, and you fucking just do it and whatever. I'm scared of guns. And I actually took a class recently for, you know, shooting and same thing. I'm still scared of them. Like, I just didn't really want to go hunting, but I always went anyway because I can't say no to my parents. And during one hunting trip, we're sitting there and we're eating our little sandwiches or whatever, and he was like, do you know what sex is? And at that age, I. I had, like, theories, you know. Like, you always think you know what it is, but I just said no because I knew. Like, I don't. I actually don't know what it is. So I was like, no. And he just started sobbing. Just sobbing. And he was holding me. He, like, grabbed me, was holding me. I'm so sorry. You don't even know why I'm crying. And I was just like, you're right. I don't know why you're crying. Like, I'm so confused right now. Honestly, I thought that he was crying because I masturbate so much. Like, I thought he was like, my daughter's a sinner. She masturbates all the time. Like, whatever. That's what I thought. So I thought, like, this is how disappointed he is in me for doing that. But, you know, now, again, I'm older. I know, but, yeah. And it was really weird. And that's all he said about it. And then when we went back in the house, I told my mom, like, Austin asked me if I knew what sex was. She was like, what did you say? I was like. I said, no. She's like, okay, that's about it. Or, like, sometimes I would try to initiate conversations about sex with my mom because I just wanted to open the door so that we could talk about it. So, like, I asked her, where do babies come from? Because they. They always told me that, like, babies come from. You pray to God. Like, you pray to God, tell God you want one, and you'll get one. And so that's what she told me. And I was like, no. Like, I was like, there's another way. I keep hearing all of these other people say, there's another way. So what is it? And she was like, like, I'll tell you when you're older. You're not ready for that. And it's like, if I'm asking, then I'm ready for it, I think. But whatever. And to this day, I've never had a sex talk. Like, everything I know about sex, I had to learn myself. But whatever. All of this stuff that I've talked about, everything, all of it is happening all at the same time. The isolation, the abuse, physical abuse, like, you know, gaslighting. I'm constantly confused. You know, my parents tell me they love me, but they treat me like this. And I was just in a constant state of perpetual confusion all the time, like, truly. And I felt lonely. Like, even though I had friends at school, I knew that these people, I can't call them my friend now because I told them that I'm being hurt at home and they don't care enough to do anything, which, again, I understand their children. I'm not mad about them today. I just, like, I couldn't relate to other kids and just all kinds of stuff, like. And I never got to do things other kids got to do, like field trips and stuff. Anything that required a permission slip. I very quickly learned how to forge my mom's signature because I was like, I'm sick and tired of y' all telling me no, like, truly, and not giving me any good reason. It's always just because I said so. Stupid. Like, I'm willing to accept a no, but I need an actual answer. That's just the kind of person I am. I don't accept just because I said so. I'm sorry. So when I was in seventh grade, there was like this really big dance going on at school and like literally everyone was going and it was, it was like out of everything that I've wanted to do, like, please just let me do this one thing. I begged my parents for so long. I was like, everyone is going, even, even the other kid whose parents don't, don't really let him do much because they're like helicopter parents. I was like, even he's going like, please let me go. And they were like, no. And I was like, I will do anything, like whatever chores I have to do, whatever I have to give up, like, please just let me go to this dance. I just want to see my friends outside of school, like just once, please. And they kept telling me no. And so at 10 years old, I freaking went into my bedroom. I've never heard the word suicide before or the term suicide note, but what I did was I wrote a note to my parents and I said, I told you I'm willing to do anything, period. Left that on the floor. And then in my 10 year old brain, if I hold my breath long enough, I'll die. Obviously that's how breathing works. So I'm standing in my bedroom or I laid down actually, because I knew I would fall or whatever. So I just laid down, held my breath until I passed out. And I don't know how long I was out, but when I woke up again, my mom was sitting on the ground next to me, just staring at me. And she had the note in her hand and she just like looked just agitated. And then once I woke up and looked at her and I like, you know, sheepishly got up, she just left the room, didn't say anything about it. Your 10 year old just tried to commit suicide and you don't say anything? The abuse was still going and there was a day where he yelled at me particularly bad because he asked me a question. He was yelling across the yard a question at me and I didn't know he was talking to me. And so he got mad that he had to repeat himself and he screamed at me and his eyes just evil, evil eyes. And it shocked me to my core. And it's not anything new. He had looked at me like that a million times before. But like I said, like I'm, I was getting really emotionally unstable at this point and so it just broke me immediately, like I couldn't breathe. I was sobbing, like, almost throwing up. Like, I'm crying so hard. Which. Which that has happened. Like, my siblings would cry so hard. They threw up and stuff. And that. The fact that that's regular is like. Anyway, so I went in the house, and I'm crying over this, and my mom saw the whole thing, so she follows me into the bedroom, and she. She sits down on the bed with me, and she's like, like, why are you crying like that? And I was just like, I don't know. Like, I don't know. I was like, you should have seen the way he looked at me. He looked at me like he was gonna kill me and stuff like that. Or. Or after the. The restaurant incident where we were playing footsie or he was playing footsie with me. We got home, and the first thing he said to me was, like, I thought you said you love me. You. And. And same thing. Then I just sobbed and went to my room and. And my mom's like, why are you crying like that? And I was like, he called me a bitch. She went and asked him, did you call me? Did you call her a bitch? And of course he was like, no. And then she was like, he said. He didn't say that. And I'm like, okay, I guess I'm crying like this for no reason whatever, you know? But. But it was the fact that I was so emotionally unstable, it was just another nail in the coffin for me. I need to tell someone because I'm. I'm. I can't do this. Like, I can't. So right when I was about to tell my mom, his dad passed away. And then I felt horrible for him because this was a man who would beat the shit out of me for crying because crying is not allowed. All of a sudden, he's a sobbing mess because he just lost his dad. I felt so bad for him. And I was like, I can't tell anyone now because he just lost his dad. Like, he's gonna lose his dad and then lose his family. Like, that's so sad. That's. That's me giving him empathy when nobody has ever given me any my whole life. So I sat on it for a little bit longer. Like, it kills me when I think about it, truly. But anyway, I did eventually tell my mom. When I did, it was a day where he was gone. Like, and that was rare for my parents to not be home. They tended to, like, do the errands and stuff while we were at school so that they could always be home. With us. So he was out of the house and we didn't all have to go with him for once. So this was kind of rare. And my mom and I were watching ridiculousness on the tv and it goes on commercial like every three minutes. So it goes on commercial. And I was just like, I got to do it now because I don't know when he'll come back. And so I, I just said to my mom, like, I didn't even look at her. I just kind of like spoke to the TV and was like, do you ever wonder what your husband does while you're asleep? And then she was like, why would you say that? She was like, why would you say that? Like, full body turn. Why would you say that to me? And I looked at her and she just like, the look on her face. I just felt like I shouldn't have said that. Like, I felt like she was mad. That's what she looked like to me. She looked mad. So I was like, I tried to backtrack. I was like, nevermind, like, don't worry about it. Like truly don't worry about it. I was just like, it was instant. I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have said that. And I was so scared. She was like, no, you can't say something like that. And then, and then not tell me. So then I told her. I told her, you know, he. He puts his finger in my butt and stuff. And she was like, she was like, how often does he do that? And I was like, sometimes. Like, I didn't really know what she meant by that. You know, I was just like, sometimes. And she, you know, just got really quiet. She. Her face just blank. Like both of my parents, just really blank faces, they don't really emote very much. But then she went and got my sisters and pulled them outside like one at a time and asked them some questions. And I was sitting on the couch because that's the thing. Like, she never said anything to me. She was just like, you know, I told her and she looked mad. And then she went, got up, got my sisters and I felt like I was in trouble. I was just like, oh my God, like something bad's gonna happen. So I'm anxious and I'm sitting on the couch and I'm peeking through the window watching her talk to my siblings and she's got her hands on her hips. Like it's. It's not as. It doesn't feel safe to talk about it. It felt like we were in trouble. And so after that, she Moved like a mattress or like an air mattress or something into the doorway of the bedroom. And then she would sleep on the floor of the bedroom instead of like calling the police. Just, just really, really oddly. So. Yeah, again, it just, it just reinforced that.

[A]

But she didn't leave him at that point.

[B]

No, we, we were still there three months. I actually she says it in the letter, we were there for about three months or something. I understand that she was a stay at home mom all this time. She doesn't have money, she doesn't have, she hasn't had a job in years and stuff. I understand that. But that's not an excuse. Like, it's really not. So eventually we, we left and we each had to pack up something. So each of us only had like a suitcase of clothes. And we, we were middle class, like I said, like we had hella toys, like I had a hamster. We each had, you know, our own little guitars and, and just all kinds of stuff, like materialistic things. I know, I know that's not, you know, at least we're safe. But I was upset because why do I have to leave my home? Why do I have to leave my friends at school? Why do I have to leave all of my belongings behind? And so we each just had like a suitcase of clothes and we moved in with my grandma who was living in a two bedroom house. But the low income one bedroom apartment that I live in right now is bigger than the house that we were at, bigger than my grandma's house. And five people were in that little house. There was, we were all on top of each other all the time. It was horrible. And my mom, my two sisters and I, we shared a bunk bed. So four of us crammed in a bunk bed. And that's how it was for like a couple years, honestly. And my grandma is an alcoholic. She's been a really bad alcoholic for most of my life. I don't think she's been cognizant since I was really, really young. And so it was just really, really hard to live with her because she would forget things she's talking about. She would, you know, just pass out. She would start fights and stuff like that. And it was just always really tough. And I felt like, okay, so that's it, we just move out. That's it. I was being told that that's all we could do. And I felt like, then why do I still feel like I had this feeling like there's got to be more than this, like why I'm the one being punished Here, I don't understand that. And I would, I would bring it up with my mom all the time and she would just tell me like, there's nothing more we can do. You need to get over it. Like you need to learn how to live with it and stuff like that.

[A]

Do you think she kept in contact with him at this point?

[B]

Yeah, I know she did. They were still talking. There was a time she even brought him over to the house a couple times.

[A]

It's not like you guys moved in with your grandma and that was it with him.

[B]

Yeah, like I don't know. And that was a betrayal too. Like seeing him still come around and stuff. And I started self harming at 11 with scissors. There was these hair scissors. So hair scissors have like teeth, kind of like a saw as opposed to regular scissors that are just a blade. And so my first time cutting it was like more like a sawing motion. But I did it. And I remember I felt like this rush. Like just like it's something I can control. I felt like my blood is boiling and that's like relieving pressure is kind of how I feel about it. I still feel that way about it. I haven't self harmed in about a year now, which. Yay. But like it is like an instant rush, instant relief. Like it's what I would imagine drugs are like. And it was very instant. Like the first time I did it, I was just. I can't explain the feeling. It was like almost pride. And my mom walked in on me doing it. She was mad and she dragged me into the bathroom and she was like dumping rubbing alcohol on it and stuff. And she was mad. But I was like, she is reacting though. If I do this, she's taking care of me right now. She's nursing my wound right now. So this is how I get her attention. And so that's what I started doing all the time. Like all the time. Because I was addicted to it, but also because I liked when she would react. Because it proved that she cared about me in my brain. But over time she reacted less and less and less. And so I had to start cutting more and deeper in more places. And eventually she just stopped hearing entirely. She just did not care. It got to a point where she would like roll her eyes at me. I've got some pretty nasty ones on my, on my thighs. They were, when I did them, they were big enough you could stick your fingers into my flesh. And she never took me to get any kind of stitches, Never, never anything. She would just roll her eyes Scoff at me. And we would argue all the time about, you know, the abuse. And I just felt it was unfair. Like, anytime she tried to enforce a rule with me, like, you know, any kind of rule, I just had no respect for authority anymore. It's not like I was a bad kid. Like, it's not like I was going out and doing things I shouldn't. I was still a good kid, still making perfect grades. I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to cry and cut myself and be left alone, like. And a lot of times I would just sit in the bathtub and put my headphones in and just lay there and close my eyes and dissociate to music, which I still do that today. It's really relaxing. I don't know why, but just, like, float away somewhere else. And that's just all I wanted to do. So when she tried to enforce a rule, I would retaliate by, you know, self harming because in my brain, it's like, you'll punish me for this, but you won't punish him for what he did. That's how it felt every single time. It was just another. Another reminder of how unimportant I am to her every single time. And she. She like, tells people that I. That I was doing that to manipulate her, like, to get my way. It's like if she would have just talked to me even one time, I could tell her it's because I don't think it's fair. I'm being punished for something so tiny and he gets away with nothing for. For all the stuff that he did that, you know, he did, you know, so, yeah, and I was just a really, really angry teenager. So I started to get like. I mean, I had always been shy and socially anxious due to. Due to bullying and my parents just kind of convincing me that people are evil. But once I was heading off to high school, I was like, noticing I was feeling very physical effects to thinking about school. Like, a back to school commercial would come on and I would get physically sick. The thought of going to school was just terrifying to me. I actually started this. I had actually started therapy at this point because. Because I was such an angry kid. I had a lot of tendencies to scare my classmates. I guess. Again, it was like I liked the reaction. I was going through a phase where, like, you know, my stepdad's not here anymore, so I can kind of test the waters and, you know, see, you know, exercise my free will essential. And I liked that other kids reacted to certain things that were Normal to me, like violence. So, you know, I would say or do something really, really violent or express a violent thought and everyone would be horrified. And I'm just like, you losers, you have no idea what life is like. Like, you know, stuff like that. And so I liked the reaction. But eventually it got to a point where somebody, a couple girls went and told the principal because I, and I'm, I appreciate it now. Like, back then I was frustrated. I was like, why would you tattle on me? Freaking snitches, whatever. But as an adult, I'm like, that's the best scenario. Because I was definitely headed down a homicidal path. I could see it in myself then. So I'm, I'm eternally grateful to those girls. And they don't even know they changed my life. Like, but I got called to the principal's office and they called my mom in and the school had known that I was like cutting and stuff. Like, they called my mom. They would tell my mom, like, are you aware that she's self harming? So my mom would be like, yeah. They're like, oh, are you doing anything about that? Nah, I don't know what to do. Okay. So it's like whatever. They kind of, they kind of had very minimal information about what was going on at home because it's not like I ever talked to the guidance counselor or anything. I didn't even know what a guidance counselor's job was until like last year. I was like, oh, all this time I could have been talking to them. That's crazy. But, yeah, so they called my mom into the principal's office and they, they told her, you know, that I had been saying some, some pretty sketchy stuff, pretty scary stuff. And they were like, you can either take her to therapy or we're going to get the police involved. And my mom was like, okay, let's get her to therapy. So I started therapy at like 12 years old. And I'm still in therapy today. So I'm very familiar with therapy. But when I started therapy, my mom was always in the session with me. Nobody told me that I had the right to ask her to leave. Nobody sat me down and nobody even asked me, do you want your mom in here? She just was. And so then I was just like, I can't talk about what I need to talk about because she's in here. You know, But I didn't think to express that because I thought my mom had to be like, that's the, again, that's the thing. Like, you're Just so used to not having any control over anything that you just don't even think to. To advocate for yourself. But, yeah, so she was. She was there. So for, like, the first year that I was in therapy, nothing. Nothing really came of it. And she would tell everyone that I. That I treat it like it's a joke. So she would tell everyone that I. I treated it like a jo. And then I didn't take it seriously and stuff, which my therapist would cackle because I. I love homework. One thing about me, I'm begging my therapist for homework. Like, I take that. I take it so seriously. You have no idea. But, like, yeah, my mom was like, no, I don't see the point in taking her because she treats it like a joke and just all kinds of stuff. But I still went. And my therapy was always focused on how can I communicate better? Because what I was bringing to my therapist was, there's something wrong with me, because that's what I believed. So we were kind of working on how can I better communicate the things that I need? Because my experience is I'm. I'm telling my parents what I need and I'm not receiving it. And so we're like, well, maybe the way I'm communicating is wrong. So we work on that and whatever. Like, over the years, I had. I had tried a lot to work on myself, but the reality is, when you are in the environment, you're never going to get better. If you're in the same environment, you can do all the work in the world and it's not going to get better because that environment changes have to be made in the environment as well. And eventually I started going to sessions without my mom, and it was great. I could open up more. But like I said, it was. It was always focused on me and what I could change. I didn't really understand that all of this stuff that happened to me shouldn't have happened to me until I was like, 20. Like. But, yeah, so. So nobody ever explained to me that what Austin did to me was bad because he's a grown man. I thought that what he did was bad because he's my dad. And because nobody had explained to me that the age difference is inappropriate as well. I didn't see a problem in talking to grown men because I felt so different from other girls my age. I was like, I can't relate to the girls my age. I have so much more life experience, I think, than girls my age. So just by. Just by experience, I have to be more mature than other girls. And obviously, like, grown men. Grown men love little girls, don't they? And so I was just a perfect target because I didn't see anything wrong. And I felt like it was better for me anyway because I can't relate with a boy my age. So that was something that all of my classmates knew was going on. Like, I had that reputation of always messing with an older man and stuff like that. And my mom would be like, you know, stop talking to him. But that's no different than saying, you shouldn't be talking to boys. You're not. You're not actually explaining to me why. And so I was just like, yeah, whatever. Fuck you, mom. Like, you know, and not like I would respect her authority anyway, but, yeah, so I ended up meeting this guy when I was like, 14. He was like, 23 or something. And from 14 to 18, I was with this one guy. And it was because I thought, like, you know, I'm. I'm so much more mature and different. It's. What's. What's it called? A canon event or something? Like, it has to happen to everyone. But, yeah, as soon as I turned 18, he. I found him talking to other underage girls, and I was like, why would you do that? He was like, you just aren't exciting anymore after you turned 18 is what he told me. Broke my heart. I also found out that he was creeping on my. On my sisters because for. For a minute we were living, like, in my mom's house, and he was, like, creeping on my sisters and stuff. But. And that. That made it really hard for me, like, because I felt like. I felt like I was like my mom bringing a pedophile into the house. And it was really hard for me to deal with. So for high school, I started to get. You know, like I said, I started to get really sick thinking about school. So my mom actually put me into homeschooling, which I thought was interesting, because I had wanted to be homeschooled pretty much my whole life. And she always said no, but I think she could see that this was very real. And so she put me into homeschooling. And it was good at the time, but in the long run, I can say it does make agoraphobia worse. And I. And I do kind of wish that I had the high school experience, but whatever. But, yeah, so at some point, like, we had to go do an interview with cps, and this was like, a couple years after we had left Austin's already. And so I was like, well, damn, about time. Like, you Know. So I go in. They pull me in for an interview. They go, do you know why you're here? And I was like, well, obviously, it's my freaking stepdad. Obviously. Right? Turns out they were there just because of, like, they were just doing, like, a general check because somebody at the school had said that my sister had said something kind of. Kind of sus. So they were just coming to check it out. Like, they did not get any kind of details other than just. Just come check it out. And then all of a sudden, I'm in there, and I'm just blabbing away. I. I was enthusiastic. I was like, yes. Finally, somebody's asking me what happened. I. I talked for as long as she would let me. The whole thing was recorded on camera and on a tape on the table. I remember I was drawing, like, blueprints of the house and showing her all the different places he would take me. I was just.

[A]

And he told her everything.

[B]

Everything. I was ecstatic. I mean, same. Same terminology. Finger in my butt. She asked me, did it hurt? Which my mom asked me that, too. She said. She asked, did it hurt? And I said, only the first few times. And she was like. Like, yeah, I don't think you know what you're talking about when I said that. But anyway, the. The interview lady, I told her the same thing. Finger in my butt only hurt the first few times. And she immediately picked up what I was putting down. Immediately after our interviews, my sisters did theirs. I don't. I don't know what they shared, and that's for them. But after the interviews, they talked to my mom, and I was only, like, half listening. I remember I was, like, playing with this little wooden train set or something with my siblings. But she was talking to my mom and saying, yeah, so like a family court, the only thing they have authority to do is to remove us from the home. But they had already separated, so that's beyond them. She urged my mom to go to the police. She said, you should have gotten her a rape kit, but it's too late now. She was like, but you need to go to the police, because we can't do that for you. This is a criminal case, and we handle family cases, and you need to go to the police. My mom was like, okie dokie took us home. Nothing. Nothing happened. Literally nothing. I was just like, I. I was just so excited. Like, I felt like my life was going to change after that day. And then nothing happened. And I would ask my mom what happened, and she told me, like, there's nothing they can do. They dropped it. They said there was not enough evidence. And, and you know, like, there was always a different excuse. I'm just like, you're lying. But I can't believe they didn't come

[A]

back to make sure she went to the police.

[B]

Right. Like, but it's Indiana. Their, their laws are very like 1800s over there. It's crazy. Oh, and in, in addition to the cutting, I was also like just taking random pills. Like I was a very anti drug kid, but for some reason I was okay with just making pill cocktails to take just to feel something. And nobody even knows that I did that. Like you know, cutting for attention and also for emotional regulation. But the pills was just for me to feel something. Like when you're dissociative, you're. I'm like, my body isn't mine. I don't feel connected to my body. So I just wanted to something. And I remember there was this, this girl in my class, she knew that I was doing that. We like were bad influences on each other. We're always doing bad things together. And she gave me some pills because I was just going into the medicine cabinet at my house and just taking a couple pills from every bottle. I didn't care what it was. And then just take all of those. And she gave me some that were prescription. And she was like, I'm only going to give you a couple because if you take any more than that, they will kill you. She was like, these aren't meant for people with cancer. And I was like, okay. I didn't even know what it was, whatever, went home and I took them and I fell asleep and I was asleep for two days. And when I woke up, I was so dehydrated that I was like dry heaving and shaking. And my mom was like, what is wrong with you? Like, haven't you eaten today? Like, I was just like, I was literally shaking. Like, she gave me a cup of water, I'm shaking it. And she was like, have you eaten today? And I was like, yeah, I ate like, you know, a chicken sandwich. And she was like, that was on Friday. I was like, what is today? She was like, it's Sunday. So you're telling me I laid there for two days and you nobody noticed? Okay. But I didn't even cry about it or anything because at this point I knew it. Like, I just knew. Of course, like, anything can happen to me and she's not going to care. Like, I just knew it was. Yeah, it was just always an excuse as to why nothing ever happened. One of my uncles asked me one day, like, like, what happened? He was like, like, I only got little details from your mom. Because my. That's another thing my mom went and told everybody. Like, there was times I would meet her friends, and for the first time, and they would give me a big old hug and be like, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. And I'm just like, why are you going around telling people? Like, that's not your business to tell. And also, you don't even have the right story because what you're telling everybody is inaccurate. So my uncle asked me what had happened, and I was just so excited to tell somebody. And I got, like, three seconds into my story, and then he. I. He was like, no, this is why nobody believes you. And I was like, what? He was like, because you keep changing the age. I was like, I haven't. First of all, mind you, this is the first time you've asked me, like, what are you talking about? So my mom is like, I don't know. And that was pretty consistent in my life, too. Like, anytime I tried to tell anyone, they would be like, well, that's not what your mom said. Well, your mom said, I don't care what my mom said. It's my story. I was the victim. So, whatever. It was just, like, a lot. And after that happened, I went crying to my mom, just like, nobody believes me. I was just like, why haven't you done anything? I think I'm, like, 16, 17 at this point. And she was like, trust me, if it were up to me, the whole world would know he's a pedophile. I ran away and moved in to an apartment with two grown men in Indianapolis. I'm still underage, and I'm agoraphobic, so I'm not doing anything. I'm literally just laying in bed and rotting. Like. And it was like, during this time that I, like, you know, tmi. But I did anal sex for the first time, or tried it anyway. And I realized that something going in your butt is a totally different feeling. And I was like, yeah, I definitely remember if something was going up my butt. And that's when I connected the dots. I was raped. I wasn't just. I wasn't just molested because my mom would tell me, like, being molested isn't as bad. Like, oh, he just put his finger in your butt. That's not illegal. Like, okay, whatever that means, you know? But so I was like, oh, shit. I was raped. And I knew I couldn't tell anyone because they would tell me. I'm just changing my story. And so I just fell into a horrible depression. Like I didn't want to eat or anything. I already wasn't socializing. I didn't want to do anything.

[A]

And how did you meet these two men?

[B]

One of them was the guy that I was with from 14 to 18. We had met online and found out we were local because it was like one of those local apps. Anyway, so yeah, we, we got together and moved into an apartment with his friend. Gotcha.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And his friend didn't know that I was underage because I guess he was like lying to all of his friends. But I feel like I look young now. I'm like, I definitely look like a child then, like.

[A]

So when you left and moved in with them, did you ever move back in with your mom?

[B]

I did. So after, after our lease was up in that apartment, we had nowhere to go. This guy was not good with money. And I didn't have a job because like I said, I was agoraphobic. By this point I had started posting online and the, the type of content I make is like cosplay content. So I, I had started making like a little bit of money. Definitely not anything to live off of, but it was nice to have a little pocket change from just playing dress up in my bedroom, you know, So I had that going, but other than that, we didn't have any money. And so we were like, I guess I gotta move back in with my mom. And yeah, my, my self harm over time, like changed. It was around the time that I was moving out of the apartment that I started like punching myself. I like it started like I would just punch my legs. Like I would get so mad, I would just start punching my legs until I. Until I'm too tired to punch anymore. And then over time it, you know, just got worse and worse. And so I started like punching myself in the face when I got really angry. Like, there's one of my teeth. I've broken my teeth. I've popped fillings out before. Like, just stuff like that. Because it'll be like, you know, I come home and my mom's house was always gross. Like there was, there was lots of pets and one of them was a big black lab, like Ms. Pris. And there would be like, you know, big pile of dog poop on the floor when I came home. And neither of my siblings work. I work. And my mom's like just always just like in her bedroom. Like she would always just Keep her bedroom door locked, and the back door was attached to her bedroom so she could just go in and out. Like, we wouldn't even see her for days at a time. She wouldn't even tell us where she's going or anything. Like. But anyway, so it would be like, just me. I'm responsible for the. For the cooking and taking care of my siblings, which I always did that anyway, as the oldest. But I would come home and be tired from working all day and being angry from my rapist still walking free, and just all kinds of stuff. Come home and see this. And then I'd be like, why is nobody cleaning this up? Like, I'm not going to clean it up. And at the time, like, I was vegan, so they would say things like, oh, you. You say you care about animals so much, but you won't take care of a dog and stuff like that. Or they would be like, you're a horrible person because you can't clean up dog, and stuff like that. Like, just telling me that I'm a horrible person because I don't want to clean up dog that's been sitting there all day. Like, stuff like that. I would get so angry sometimes, and I never wanted to hurt other people. Like, that's one thing about me. Like, as angry as I am and as much as many homicidal thoughts I was sharing as a kiddo, when it came down to it, I'm not capable of hurting a person, I don't think. So. I would turn it on myself and I would just start punching the shit out of myself. And I. The first time I broke a piece of my tooth off, I, like, had it in my hand and I went crying to my mom, and she was like, let me see. So I, like, opened up my mouth and showed her, and it was like, all black on the inside and stuff. And she was just like, why are you doing that? I'm just like, I don't know. I don't know. Like, sometimes I would. I would be punching and actively saying, like, I need help while I'm punching. It's like I have. I have genuinely always felt like there's multiple people in me or something. Like, I don't want to really talk about personality disorders because I haven't been diagnosed with anything like that, but it is how I've felt. And so it's like I felt like I was being attacked by myself. And then I called out for help, and my mom was just like, then stop doing it. Like, whenever I'm like, okay. Or like, you Know, I found out that that guy was creeping on my sisters and started punching myself because I felt like I brought a pedophile into the house. And she. She heard me, like, you know, going ape shit in there, because I also would, like, hit my head against my walls. I also would, like, you know, throw myself downstairs and stuff like that. Just, I. I was extremely mentally unwell. Like, when I look back at how I was. I don't know how you could watch your child do those things and just. And just fault them for. Put her in a psych ward, like, something, because this is not normal. But she walked in and I was like, you know, punching away. And she was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I just found out he's a pedophile. And she was like. She, like, literally made that face, like, Regina George, like, face. She was like, so you're punching yourself in the face? Yes. I need mental help. Like, I don't know. It's hard to understand about that. It was just a lot. So I did move back in with her, but I only lasted about a month after that. I was like, I genuinely would rather be on the streets than this. So I, like. I, like, just went on Instagram and one of my followers was like, I was. Because I was always like, when you're mentally ill and you have nobody, I'm on my story, bitching about my life all the time on my Instagram story. And somebody was like, I have a place. You can move in with me. And I was like, if you kill me, you kill me. Like, I genuinely. Anything is better than being here. And so I took it. And that's how I ended up in Virginia, actually. So. And I've been there ever since. There was when I needed to go back to my mom's and get the rest of my stuff, because at first I only packed, like, a suitcase or something. I went back a few, maybe a few months later to get the rest of my stuff. And my mom has this sister from her dad's side. I'd never met her, and I think they had only met pretty recently before this happened. But I drove, like, eight hours. Six. Eight hours. I can't remember which one it is, to get to Indiana from Virginia. And they knew I was coming to get my stuff, but when I got there, they refused to let me in. And they were, like, threatening to call the police if I didn't leave. And I was just like, are you joking me right now? Like, I was so, so angry. And so I just sat in the car for like, probably, like, two hours. And they eventually let me in to get my stuff, but then her sister was, like, literally just standing over my shoulder, and they were acting like I was gonna steal stuff and stuff like that. And I was like. Like, I don't know where this is coming from, because this is so, like, random to me. Like, I get that I was aggressive, but it was always to myself. I'm not really sure why you're acting like I'm gonna steal. I've never stolen. Like, I don't know what you're doing, but it was just really weird. So I get my stuff, and on the way out, she says, you know, if you were really that upset about it, you would go to the police. And I was just like, what? She was like, yeah, statute of limitations. That was the first time I've ever heard that term. And that also alludes to. My mom is telling at least some truth. Like, because she was telling other family members she did go to the police. She went. She went to court. Like, I have a screenshot. I'll read it. But she claims that she already went to court and all that, and it was just dropped. And yet here's her saying, then go to the police. Like, and so that was the first time I heard that term. And that sparked, like, oh, if there's something I can do about it, then I'm gonna do it. Like, clearly I was like, I don't even care if nothing happens to him. I just wanna try. So that's. That's what I focused on. And I think I was, like, 20 around this time. So. Yeah, and. And it was kind of. Kind of difficult because it was. It was across multiple states. Like, because he lived in Indiana, I lived in Virginia, the sexual abuse happened in California. Like, it was just a lot of back and forth. And it's really difficult. Like, that's the hardest thing about pursuing legal justice is too many people don't want to do their job. They don't. They don't want to go back and forth like that. They don't want to have to do extra paperwork. And. And it's really difficult. But because I was so like, well, I'm not moving until you do it. Like. And I. I don't think I'm very adamant or persistent in general. But with this, it was. It was special because I was just like. Like, this will literally kill me if I don't do it. So it needs to be done. And once somebody takes the case and it gets assigned to, like, a prosecutor or something, then it's like, it started moving without me. Once it was moving, it was moving.

[A]

How long did it take to get to that point?

[B]

Probably like a year. I'm not even gonna lie. Because, you know, just. Just to get in contact across different states. And then actually they were able to pull the CPS interview that I had done years, years before, because that was another thing. Like, my mom was always like, there's no proof whatever. That interview is proof. So they were able to pull that from years ago.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And a child is not going to

[A]

make up that kind of detail.

[B]

Exactly. They did that. But they also wanted me to call him and. And talk to him about it, try to get him to, like, admit it. Admit it. Yeah, that's what I did. And it was really crazy. Like, called him and they were like, don't get too accusatory. But, like, the first thing I said was like, I bet you know why I'm calling. Like, I was like, you know exactly why I'm here. Here. Stuff like that. And he tried to be all like, I don't. I know I did a lot of things, whatever. And then I was just like, no, you raped me and I was a child. Like, let's talk about that. I was like, my sisters were in diapers and you were doing that to them. And he was just like, I'm really sorry about it. Like, I pray a lot about it. I hope. I hope you can understand one day. But I could hear it in his voice. His voice was so monotone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He didn't feel just like that. Just like that. Exactly. I could hear it in his voice, like, he. He did not feel bad. This is the man who raised me. I. I know when he feels guilty. This was not it. And so that sent me over the edge immediately. And I'm screaming into the phone like, you know, you ruined my life. You ruined my life. And all kinds of stuff. Like, it was horrible. And. And they actually. But because he was like, yeah, I did do that, and I'm sorry. Like, that was the confession. We got it. And so that's. That's all we needed. They went and got him, and then he sat in custody probably like 10 months or something, because. Because he kept. They kept trying to get him to just go ahead and plead guilty because they were like, we have you saying you did it, but he wasn't doing it. So. So that prolonged the. The process as well. Just, you know, but yeah, and then. And then they had to play it in the courtroom, so I had to sit there and hear it all over Again. And it was just like. And. And when you're in the courtroom, like, they don't let you say a lot of stuff. Like, it's kind of like they want you to stick to just yes or no type stuff. Like, you're not supposed to really get into detail. And so they were like, what was it like to do that? But I can't say he doesn't feel bad, because that's accusing him or something. So I was like, how can I sum this up in just one word? And I sat there for, like, way too long, and I was just like. It was hard, like, because I could just hear in his voice, he didn't feel that. He did not feel bad in the slightest. So before I started the process, because my mom had told me that she had done it in the past, I had already had her blocked. Like, she was no contact for me. But the guy that I was living with that I met from Instagram, and he let me move in, he had her number, like. So I had him ask her, basically, if the. If the case already exists, like, tell the truth, does the case already exist? And am I reopening something or am I opening a new thing? Because you never did. That was essentially the question. So he asked, like, did you try to do anything about Liliana's rapist? She said, do anything like what? Take my girls out of a home in which Lily said her stepdad was touching her? No, didn't do that. Cooperate fully with CPS and the state police while they were repeatedly interviewing me and my kids at their office, at our home, or at the state police office in Versailles. None of that happened, by the way. No, I didn't do that. Get subpoenaed to court three times and find out each time that the court date had been either rescheduled and eventually canceled for lack of evidence. Nope, that didn't happen either. What the else should I have done? The last court date was canceled. That was canceled was in August 2014, at which point I was contacted by CPS and told that they tried to take him to criminal court. They don't have authority to do that because there was nothing they could do in family court. Because I did what I should have and took my kids out of the house. They ended up not having enough evidence to take him to criminal court. I'm over talking about it, arguing about it. I'm over being accused of not doing anything, of not caring. I'm sick to goddamn death of being told I'm a worthless piece of shit mother. Nobody's Told her that, by the way. Like, she would. She would. Anytime I tried to talk to her about it, she would kind of start crying and turn the. Turn the focus on her. She'd be like, yeah, you probably blame me. You blame me. I know you do. And I would sit there and comfort her. I don't blame you. You're not the one who did it. He is. Because I didn't understand she took part in the grooming as well. So I was. If anything, I was trying to get her to not blame herself. So the fact that she'll sit there and say that I blamed her is just really odd to me. But I'm sick of being blamed for something that I had absolutely no clue was going on. The drawing, the watching him follow me in the shower. Okay? Like, does Lily not understand that we were all victims, not just her? Does she not understand that the minute she told me he was touching her, my world fell apart? A man I chose to spend my life with, someone I had been with for almost 10 years, would violate my children. She not understand that I chose to take them and leave with. Leave with nothing. I didn't have money. I didn't have a job. I moved in with my mom in our two bedroom because I couldn't afford to take them anywhere. As far as his. As him being her daily rapist, she never said anything of the sort. Her original story was that he touched her sometimes. So even if I was being touched, sometimes you still go to the police. Like, I really don't understand the argument, but. And when she told me, she said he hadn't in a long time because I was scared. She was mad at me. She said he had maybe raped her one time in the. In the year and a half we had been at that house. So just because it's one time, you don't go to the police. Okay. Both of her sisters denied him doing anything to them at all. I also forgot to mention that before I told anyone, he kind of knew that I was getting close to telling anyone, because we were, like, arguing, and I was just like, I'm gonna tell somebody. And he held a knife up like, he wasn't in my face. He was, like, across the kitchen, but he held a knife up, and he was like, you tell anyone, I'll bash your face in. And it's like. It's really not that hard to see, like, that an abuser would threaten, especially children. Like, it's just so dumb. Like. Like, yeah, obviously we're hesitant to tell you because we're being threatened. Like, it's just crazy. So that's what she said. Oh, his bail was a million dollars, by the way. A million. I thought that was crazy. It's like, yeah, you can get out if you want, if you got a million, like, bruh. But after. After the court, because my. My siblings did testify, which I was really grateful for. I remember when I first started, they didn't want to because they. They would rather kind of just like, move on. And I. And I understand that. I get that. But I am not like that. And it was hard to not take that personally, but. But they did choose to go and do it, I think, you know, whatever their reasons may be, but I'm grateful for that. And so my mom was there because she took my siblings there. And I saw her at the airport on my. On my, you know, getting ready to get on my flight back to Virginia, and I saw her at the airport and she came up to me, which is crazy because I've been on no contact with her for a few years now at this point. And she came up to me and started talking to me. And I just, like, stayed on my phone because I didn't want to. Like, I was just like, you're crazy for talking to me right now. And she was like, I'm so proud of you. Like, you deserve it. Like, you're. I'm so proud of you. Oh, my gosh. Like, I was like, you are so lucky we're in an airport right now because I want to rock your shit. Why are you saying this to me right now? Like, after everything, like, again, just perpetually confused, like, just, what am I? Oh, my gosh. It was crazy. It was crazy. But the trial was interesting. Like, I said a lot of just, yes, no, yes, no. And I think I was on the witness stand for like six hours or something. Obviously, the other attorney, his job is to, like, make me not credible and stuff. So it was hard to do that. But with stuff like that, you have to just persevere and understand that they're just doing their job. He used that, that diary entry, I hate Austin. I want him out of my life. He used that as an arguing point to say that six year old me cooked up this plan, this. This, like, waiting game, the long game of. Of, you know, accusing him of this because I hated him and just wanted to break my mom and my dad up. And I knew he was trying to hurt me and get me to act out in the courtroom. And instead I just went, no, because that's what you need to do in that scenario. And I know it's hard, but you kind of have to. It sucks. Our justice system sucks. It really does. But, like, you know. But eventually they found him guilty. And at his sentencing trial. The sentencing trial, sentencing hearing. I don't know. We didn't have to fly in for it. It was just done, like, over zoom or something. Or over there. The court version of zoom. And my. Like, we typed in our names. You just self. Identify. Type in your name when you come into the. Into the room or whatever. My mom used his last name to self identify herself. Bizarre. Yeah. And it's just crazy because you didn't have to put a last name at all. Again, perpetually confused. Like, I don't get it. At his hearing, we were allowed to give our victim impact statements, and he gave his statement. And again, he just didn't feel bad. And the judge said as much. She was like, the entire court agrees. Like, you showed zero remorse throughout this entire thing. And he was sentenced to 145 years. Wow. To life, I think. That's so funny.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. He had, I think, six total counts.

[A]

What state was that in?

[B]

California. Okay.

[A]

Well, that's amazing. That's like the best part of the whole story.

[B]

Yeah. It was like. It was like for the first time in my life, I could breathe. I've never live. Yeah.

[A]

Which is amazing.

[B]

I did it all by myself, too. Like, geez. And then I sent my mom a long, nasty message about, like, yeah, I did it. Me and me alone. No thanks to you. Like, whatever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so after I sent her that, she sent me this lovely little letter.

[A]

And one was this.

[B]

She sent me this in September. I sent her of this year.

[A]

Last year.

[B]

Yeah, this past September. Got it. And I won't read the whole thing because it is kind of long, but there are some parts, so she says. I wish I would have listened to that little tingle in my head. There were times when I had doubts about him. Like when he would be checking on you girls and it would take a while. I would fear so much that he was doing something awful. And so I would go upstairs and check things out. And every single time, he was just leaving the room. Now, do you think you would stay with somebody if you even have an inkling that they're a pedophile? Like.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Anyway, you really have no idea just how much I wish I would have went with my first instinct when you told me a little about what was going on. I wanted to just shoot him. Are you sure? Because what you told me was that I didn't know what I was talking about again. Just perpetually confused. But I didn't. I wanted to be there for you and for you girls and watch you grow up. I also feared you growing up without your mother. And I feared not being able to be there for you. So I forgot to mention, like, I. I was in and out of psych wards a lot in my teen years because I was, like, always trying to kill myself. Always, always, always. Like, that's the thing about Liliana. She's trying to kill herself. My. My worst attempt. I was 14. I hung myself in the garage with a chain and. Because I didn't know how to tie a proper knot. I think that's the only reason I'm still here. Because, yeah, I. I did it. I went unconscious. I didn't even fight it because I just. I knew I would pass out and. And it would be that. And I was happy with that. I was ready to go. I didn't write a note or anything. I was just done. And I go out and the next thing I know, I'm hearing a noise. And, like, the noise is coming from myself. I'm. It's me. And then I wake up and I'm. I'm fighting. Like, my body's already fighting. And it was probably the most traumatic thing I've ever been through in my life because just. Just the sound. Like, I've never heard a human body make that sound before. So I fought to get down. I. Like, I swung my body to get my feet onto something. I wasn't thinking. I could have just climbed it, you know, but. So I got down and I get down and I catch my breath. I found out I had peed. I had urinated on myself. And I look at the time and it was over. Half an hour had passed, and I was just like, how did I not die right now? And so I trudge in the house and I'm making this horrible wheezing sound like I can't breathe normally now. And I just. I didn't even think to look in a mirror. I didn't think to do anything. I went straight to my mom and I told her what I did. Like, she was asleep because she slept during the day because she worked at night. And so I woke her up and I told her what I did, and she just looked at me. And then she, like, looked at the time, got out of bed and went to the bathroom and closed the door. Didn't say a word to me. By the time I looked in the mirror, I looked and I had Broken blood vessels all over my cheeks, in my eyes. I had. My neck was, like, purple. And she was like, you're gonna have to cover that up. You know, she didn't take me to the hospital or anything. And I didn't know that that's what you were supposed to do when somebody tries to kill themselves. So I didn't think anything of it. I texted this. This person. He rode my. He rode my sister's bus. I was already homeschooled at this time, and so we had kind of like, texted each other. Like, I wouldn't say we were friends. We just knew each other, but he was the only person I knew. So I texted him and told him what happened, and he was like, I don't believe you. Like, if that was true, your mom would have taken you to the hospital. I think it's really fucked up that you would lie about something like that. Like, I just can't take it with the drama with you and stuff like that. And he was like, it's always something like this. Like, and it's. It's all lies. And I'm like, I'm not lying just because my mom won't. Won't do what she needs to do. And so he blocked me. And after that, it was like I just wished over and over that I had just killed myself. And, yeah, to this, to this day, like, she never said anything about that. Nothing. No, no, no. Kind of nothing for that. So for her to be like, I wanted to be there for you girls and watch you grow up, she was never there. Like I said, she. She left for days at a time sometimes, or she was just never there. Even when she was there, she wasn't there. You know? Yeah. Anyway, I'll continue. I wish I would have taken you girls and went straight to the police then. This is the most frustrating excuse that she has ever given. I didn't. Because you didn't want to. You were afraid to. I never told her that. She never asked me, and I never told her. And even if I did, and I somehow forgot, for years afterward, I begged her to do something. So I'm just, like. I'm really confused at how you're using that as an argument. I wanted to protect you from having to go through all that. At that point, I was told by you it had only been some touching. Again, still illegal. It would come down to your word against his word. And what happens if they don't believe you? Or what if they believe you and just give him a slap on the wrist and then you Went through all of that for nothing. I wanted to protect you from that. So you wanted to protect me from the possibility of nothing by doing nothing? I did my best to not let him be alone with you girls anymore. I started staying up all night and going to bed when you girls went to school. If he went to check on you girls, I went too. I'm not sure how long this went on. Maybe three months. It wasn't as much as it should have been. I had hoped that with time and help, you would be okay. What help did she give me? I'm so confused. Like, I did not know the extent of the abuse. I did not know that it wasn't only you. And I thought I was helping you and protecting you. I think maybe I was in survival mode. Only some things are just a blur. I was trying so hard to be strong for you, to be there for you and to be present. I was heartbroken. He was my husband. I loved him. He was my partner and my friend. He betrayed me. It killed me. I was heartbroken that I lost a partner in life who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Now, you see in the text also, she did this. A whole paragraph about what it was like to lose him. Nothing about me, Nothing about me. So it's just like. It's clear as day to me. You don't care about me. The fact that you keep trying to convince me you do is just laughable at this point. Truly, I did try, Lily. I really did. Even if you don't think so. I did not contact CPS or the police. We all know this. Do we all know this? Because I just read those texts to you. She said something totally different just then. I did not know anything had happened to either of your sisters until several. Several months after talking about the CPS stuff. We were all interviewed separately. I wasn't allowed to witness any of your interviews or review them at any time. I only remember talking to the police on two occasions. Again, that text. And also, if she wanted to know what happened, she could have just asked. That's just me, though. They didn't think there was enough evidence for a criminal case. There was nothing else I could do from a legal standpoint. I concentrated on trying to make you better again, where I simply, honestly and truly didn't know what to do or how to help you. I was afraid trying to talk to you about what happened would make it worse. Okay. Every time I did try to talk to you about it, you would get angry and upset with me. Because the Only her version of talking about it is telling me to get over it. So the things you said to me just broke my heart. How you blamed me again. I never blamed her until after I moved far, far away like you thought. I just didn't care. I know you were hurting and I needed to be there for you. But I'm also a person, not just your mother. I also have thoughts, feelings, and emotions. There's only so much a person can handle. I hated myself so much. So this part really irks me because she's asking me to extend empathy to her and understand that there's only so much a person can take. Where was that for me? Everything that she said in this paragraph is the exact same thing I felt and have felt every single day since I was 6 years old. And she knew and would laugh at me for it. So, no, I'm not going to give you any kind of empathy. Like you. You made your bed, lay in it. You're good. How much I let you down, how much you blamed me, it killed me. As long as you're in therapy and getting help, things will be okay, is what I thought. No matter how much you think I didn't care, I honestly did. I felt like if I did anything you didn't like, you would just hurt yourself. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. I was always in a constant state of alert. No matter what I say or what I tell you, you will always have your version of the truth. So I'm constantly on alert to the point where I suffer from something called hyper vigilance. I call it fire watching. It's essentially my brain. The way that it developed was nighttime is not safe. So once it's dark outside, my brain is wide awake. I require prescription sleeping medication to get myself to sleep because I will be awake literally for days at a time. Days. Because I have to go to work. I can't sleep during the day. So you want to talk about always in a constant state of alert? Like, talk to me when. When you have sleep issues for 20 years, you know, like, I don't want to hear it again. It's just. It's just everything she's claiming to suffer with is stuff that I've suffered with my entire life. Like, she can suck it up. Truly, I have never, ever, ever wanted to hurt you. I wasn't trying to lie to you, dismiss you, or gaslight you. I have never said I did nothing wrong. Though I hope one day you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I'M proud of you for getting the justice you needed. I should have tried harder. It's confusing, and this is why. This is why she's. No contact. I can't. You can't talk to somebody like that. You just can't. What can you even do? Like, what can you even do? That's a level of delusion that, like, I will not understand.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And. And then also, too, I brought up the. The context with my family, because after we were away from Austin and we started integrating back into our family, you know, all these. All these Christians, really devout Christians, versus me, like, and I'm, you know, at this point, I had, like, shaved my head. I got piercings. Like, I was very, like, don't talk to me type of. Type of teenager. And so everybody knew something had happened. And then my mom was blabbing about it and stuff. But everybody knew this was going on. But they were very like, we'll just pray to God about it. We'll pray that you find healing and that he makes better choices. Nobody ever said anything about police. Like, I wish people understood. Agoraphobia doesn't just happen from one experience. I cannot stress enough that everybody. Every single person in my life up until I was, like, 20 years old knew what was going on and did nothing. I can't stress it enough. Like, and so I had to go. No contact with everybody. I can't. You can't say you love me and then. And then ignore the things that are happening to me. You just can't. And it hurts me because I want a family. We all do, you know?

[A]

I mean, no one even made the effort to talk to you.

[B]

Yeah. Literally nothing. Like, they only know what my mom told them. And even then, it was just like, well, let's pray about it, you know, like, okay, just whatever. So I found essentially, a checklist used by people who check on children. This is from the Delaware state courts, and it is common elements of child torture. It's broken up into, I think, four different sections. There's deprivation of basic needs. So this is things like limiting food, limiting water, limiting access to others, cutting you off from your family and your friends, limiting access to personal hygiene. Oh, there. There was one really crazy thing. Like, he. Austin wouldn't. We were only allowed to use three squares of toilet paper. And I felt like he was only enforcing that so he could stand in the bathroom and watch us. But in researching child torture, I found that that one was common. And I was like, I've never heard of. Of anybody doing that before that. But that falls under that. And. And it was. It. It took a toll on our hygiene. Like, our mom started to notice and, you know, but that was a whole thing. It's crazy. But, yeah, that. That falls under this, too. And then we also have physical abuse. Any kind of bruising, bites, you know, physical abuse is pretty obvious. And then psychological maltreatment. I found that my parents check off every single box on that. This is things like humiliation, exploiting, threatening, isolating, things like that. Things that affect the child psychologically. And then there's, you know, sexual abuse. All sexual abuse falls under child torture, all of it. So, yeah, and. And that's a whole checklist. Like I said, it's Delaware State court. So if anybody wants that, I think it's really handy because abusers love to. Love to gaslight you and say, that's. That's not abuse. That's not bad.

[A]

If you have the link to it, send it to me so I can resource that as well.

[B]

And also, too, I have tried to pursue legal justice against my mom, at least, for failing to protect me for sexual abuse. I listen to a lot of true crime because I listen to it, read it, and watch it, because I'm very interested in the psychology behind why people harm each other. I think I'm searching for an answer that makes sense. Haven't found one yet, but, you know,

[A]

some sort of almost like closure or understanding something.

[B]

But through. Through listening to it, I. I've heard a couple instances of mothers being charged as well if they know their children are being abused and they don't do anything. So I was like, oh, I didn't know I had that option. So I went and tried to do that this past September. Actually, it was on my birthday. I remember on my birthday, I called and tried to do it. They told me that the statute of limitations for something like that, failing to report sexual abuse of a child is only two years. And also, it's not from when the abuse was disclosed. It was from when the abuse started, which means I had until I was 8 years old for somebody to call out my mom for not doing anything. And I was, like, mad at the. At the officer. I was like, obviously, I know you don't make the laws, but, like, that's fucked up. Like, I was a child and that's messed up. And, you know, it is like, so there was nothing I could do on that front at least. And I think. I think that's weird. That needs to be changed, and maybe one day I'll be the one to change it. But that, that is just like, it's 20, 26. Like, what do you mean? So. But yeah, and also, too, I think a lot of the notes that I. That I brought for today are we're meant for my mom. Like, I don't have to. I don't have to sit here and give you, you know, say abusing children harms them negatively and affects them later in life. Here's my source as to why I don't have to say that to you. Because you're a person with common sense. I'm sure everyone else is too, but I. I just always feel the need to. Like, this person with a PhD says doing this to children is wrong because. Because growing up, my mom was always just like, well, you know, and that.

[A]

And that's the thing is, I think at this time, and in general, the only way and the only sense you can make of it is that she isn't all there mentally. She doesn't have common sense. Because to want to be with someone like that in general, with everything being racist and torturing animals and whatever else, it's like those already are something. Like, you have to be a very specific type of person to be with someone.

[B]

You're a weirdo, babe. Like, sorry.

[A]

And then your own blood, your child, the innocence of a child, even the things that she partaked in, like, you know, torturing you, making fun of you. To call any child, let alone your own, ugly. I mean, that is setting someone up for failure, in my opinion. I mean, we already look like, obviously we can all sit here and say it's not about what's on the outside, but, like, that is a huge thing. We're human beings. And it breaks my heart to hear that anyone would do that to a child. Putting a child through fear, knowing what has. Whether she knew in the moment, whether it was, you know, she was eventually told to not fight the death like you did for yourself. These to me are all signs of somebody that's not. Well, she's not all there. And unfortunately, like you said, it's like, it sucks that you feel like you have to bring out this, this proof and these, These notes to be like, this is not right and she still doesn't get it. Like, there's still an excuse. There's still always manipulation or whatever it might be. But, you know, at some point you have to realize, like, it's. It's not even worth you knowing. Like, and it's. You might not ever actually feel that way. It's so much easier said than done because at the end of the day, that's supposed to be your mother. Yeah, but at what point can we allow ourselves to stop putting the energy into those who don't deserve it?

[B]

Right, Right. And that's. That's why I'm. No contact. I understand no contact doesn't work for everybody, but I. I definitely encourage if somebody. And it doesn't. It doesn't even have to get as bad as mine was. It's somebody who repeatedly ignores your boundaries, oversteps them, makes you feel terrible about yourself and makes you upset all the time. Makes you feel like you can't say or do anything. Right. Just get rid of them. I don't. I don't care if they're blood. Like people. People who love you don't treat you like that. And I stand by it. And I wish that I could just leave my mom in the dust, but every single day she affects me. I have. I have like a miniature her in my brain, constantly criticizing me, reminding me why I'm a failure all the time. Anytime I. Anytime I go through any kind of hardship, it's just like I can hear her just. Just going, this is why you're worthless. Like, this is why. This is why you should just kill yourself and stuff like that.

[A]

Like, and that's the. The unfortunate part is, is that's probably so common and normal because that, I mean, that was ingrained into you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like to a certain degree, yes, you are who you are in your own person, but you still have the environment that's kind of like, embedded in you. At least still at this point, you're still so young. So it's like how you're not. You know, it takes time to almost break those patterns and break those cycles within your own mind. But. And obviously not that it means anything coming from me, because I'm just a stranger. But you, first of all, no one deserves that, you know, and unfortunately, I don't know why. I don't have an answer why certain people are dealt the cards that they're dealt. You know, like, that wasn't your choice, obviously. And it's heartbreaking and it's sad, but I like to think that people are dealt those cards that can deal with it. And I don't say that harshly. I say that in the sense that you were able to fight for yourself.

[B]

And fighting that way. Yeah, I see it that way.

[A]

Fighting for yourself is ultimately fighting for others as well.

[B]

You.

[A]

You were able to push through and get to where you are now to share your story because there are so many people that never get there, or they just want to push, they. It's easier for them and makes more sense to them to just block it out, push it to the side. Understandably so, you know, but you are so, like, so beautiful.

[B]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

And so worthy of everything that this life has to offer.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And never let, whether it's your blood or a random human, whoever it is, I don't give a shit. Never let anyone or anything define your worth. Only you can do that. And you have to remember that. Like, yes, maybe you. You weren't taught and didn't have that control as a kid, because what do we know as a kid?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But now you're able to have that control in your life and take that back.

[B]

Yeah. And I'm definitely still. Still learning it. A lot of times I'll accomplish something. Like, I. I thought I would be dead by 18. I remember on my. On my 21st birthday, I went to the bar for the first time, and I was like, I'm sitting in a bar, like, legally, and. And I just cried because I was like, I never thought I'd see the day. I never thought I would be able to work full time or. Or drive a car, but I do both of those things. I never thought I'd be able to live on my own. I live alone. And every time I accomplish something, it's such a complicated feeling because it's like I. I'm proud of. But I'm also so heartbroken because, like, why did I ever think I couldn't, you know? Right. Because that's the people. The people that you look to as

[A]

your parents told you you couldn't.

[B]

Yeah. But you did. And that's.

[A]

Not only is that for yourself, but that's a you to them.

[B]

Yeah. For sure.

[A]

And because look at you now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Those are weak, miserable, disgusting people. They shouldn't even be considered human beings.

[B]

Yeah. And. And they're not. Honestly, like, oh, they're monsters. Yeah, I. I do call them monsters. Like, I'll. Whenever I say my mom's name, I'll. I'll just put her name, like, in quotes. And I had somebody, like, they were like, why'd you put her name in quotes like that? And I was like, because it's a monster wearing her skin is what I said. I don't see her as a person.

[A]

I know somebody that does nothing is to me is just as bad as

[B]

the person that's doing it a thousand percent, honestly. And. And that's a big reason why I wanted to Talk about it, because like I said in the beginning, all the time, I see people leave it to the mother. That's how abusers get access to children. They find women who don't care all

[A]

the time weak, don't care, turn a blind eye, whatever it is.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

But you. You are so strong, and it is such a powerful thing to be able to take your power back, share your story in your own. In your own way, in your own version. You know, you have full control of your story. This is your story. And there's. I would say, obviously, right now, a huge part of it is negative and sad and heartbreaking. But I truly believe that you have the power to transform that into something that can not only reinvent yourself, like, almost give your younger self everything she should have gotten and everything she deserved, but also so many other people. Like, who knows what you could go on to change by spreading your story, and that could change so many people's lives. Like you said, people listening, whether it changes their lives, make something in their head be like, wait a second. This isn't normal stuff. Or, I can get help. Or I should get help.

[B]

She could speak out.

[A]

I can speak out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Whatever it might be.

[B]

That's. That's another thing about myself. Like, I find it very hard to advocate for myself. Like, somebody could mistreat me today, and I still would treat them with kindness. But if somebody mistreats somebody I care about, I'm on them. Like, I. I can advocate for other people. Like. Like, it's nothing, truly. And I think that's special. And I do agree that this has. I. I do feel like this had to happen to me, in a sense, because, like, he couldn't have picked a worse victim. I've done nothing but talk about it, you know, Like, I mean, somebody else

[A]

might not have made it out alive.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

And you. You have those moments.

[B]

Exactly. So I think it had to be me. And honestly, like, another thing, too, was I. I thought that he did what he did because he loved me. Like, I thought it was something special about me. And then I learned that, like, pedophiles can abuse up to, like, a hundred kids in their lifetime. They don't stop. They just change victims. And so I was like, yeah, I need to get him. I need to get him now, because I knew that he had access to other children in his family. So that. That really motivated me as well, was just he could be doing it to somebody right now. So. But yeah. Yeah. So I don't. I don't really talk about it much. On my socials. I. I like to. But, you know, the Internet can be kind of mean sometimes, but. Yeah. So. So thank you for sharing your. Your platform with me and giving me a safe space to do it, because I trust your audience to be very kind. I typically see them being.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Kind in the comments and stuff, so. And yeah. And. And also, too, I want to say about therapy, normalize going to therapy. Yeah. All the time. I see people say going to do. Just for me to talk about my problems. There's so many different kinds of therapy. There's more than just talk therapy. I. I personally do cognitive processing therapy and dialectic dial. I don't know, something. Behavioral therapy. I don't know the D word. I'm sorry, but. And there's EMDR therapy. There's all kinds of therapies. There's so many kinds.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And the therapists themselves. I've. I go through therapists, like, you know, and the one I have now, I love her. I've been seeing her since I was like 19 or 20, and she changed my life. Therapy is really important for everyone. I. I don't think you need to go through something nearly as traumatic. That's something my sisters. My. Neither of my sisters went to therapy because they use me as a frame of reference. And it's like, you can go to therapy for any reason, even if you're just, you know, it could be literally any reason. And you don't even have to have a reason at all. You can just go. If you don't like your therapist, get a new one. And that goes for any provider, you know, your doctor, your psychiatrist, anyone. And there's so many different kinds of therapies. So there's so many different ones to try and just find something that works. Because I do think therapy. I do think the average person could benefit from therapy. I think everyone could. Everyone. So normalize therapy. Normalize changing therapists if you don't like them. And normalize calling out parents who mistreat

[A]

their kids in public and sharing your story. Sharing the confidence to do so.

[B]

Yep. And cutting people out who treat you badly.

[A]

Boundaries.

[B]

Yes. And. Yeah.