129: I'm a Hoot and a Half

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 129: "I'm a Hoot and a Half"

Release Date: November 7, 2024
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Description: In this engaging episode of "We're Here to Help," hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds dive into three unique listener calls, offering their characteristic blend of humor and earnest advice. From navigating roommate conflicts to crafting the perfect cocktail order, and organizing a memorable birthday roast, Jake and Gareth tackle each dilemma with wit and camaraderie.

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1. Dining Dilemmas: Emma's Folding Table Fiasco

Caller: Emma from Crown Heights, Brooklyn
Timestamp: [05:10] – [23:25]

Issue:
Emma finds herself in a prolonged dispute with her fiancé, Hugh, over the addition of a dining table in their spacious Brooklyn loft. While Emma envisions hosting dinner parties and enjoying a dedicated dining space, Hugh opposes the idea, fearing it will disrupt the apartment's flow and interior design. Despite proposing solutions like a folding table and utilizing closet space, Hugh remains steadfast in his refusal.

Discussion & Insights:
Jake and Gareth empathize with Emma’s desire to enhance their living space for social gatherings but highlight Hugh's perspective on maintaining the apartment's aesthetic and functionality. The conversation delves into the dynamics of compromise in relationships, emphasizing the importance of understanding underlying concerns beyond the immediate issue.

Notable Advice:

• Steve Berg suggests adapting the table's purpose to align with Hugh’s preferences, proposing a multifunctional piece that serves as a massage table when not used for dining.

  • Steve Berg: “You could go, I got us a massage table. And then he goes, that's not a massage table. That's a hosting table.” [17:35]

• John Gabris recommends integrating the table seamlessly into their lifestyle by selecting a foldable, sturdy option that doubles as a conversation starter or a practical addition for specific occasions.

  • John Gabris: “A hard seltzer with a conversation starter... a Bellini is a way if you're on a date and you don't want to say the vodka diet soda is problematic.” [41:21]

Conclusion:
Emma embraces the idea of repurposing a foldable table, planning to search for a suitable option online and incorporating cozy blankets to make the table both functional and unobtrusive. The hosts encourage Emma to approach the situation with creativity and humor, fostering a collaborative atmosphere in her relationship.

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2. Crafting the Perfect Cocktail: Brittany's Beverage Challenge

Caller: Brittany from Burbank, California
Timestamp: [29:13] – [43:00]

Issue:
Brittany seeks assistance in selecting a new go-to drink order for social occasions due to her diagnosis with celiac disease, which restricts her consumption of gluten-containing beverages like beer, whiskey, gin, and scotch. Her current default, a vodka Diet Coke, feels uninspired and unsophisticated, prompting her to seek a more appealing and socially engaging alternative.

Discussion & Insights:
Jake and Gareth explore Brittany’s preferences and limitations, aiming to suggest drinks that are both gluten-free and socially impressive. The conversation emphasizes the importance of personal comfort and social confidence in drink selection, especially for someone who is the designated driver and values authenticity.

Notable Advice:

• Steve Berg advocates for a Tito’s Vodka-based cocktail, recommending a vodka soda with added lime for flavor enhancement.

  • Steve Berg: “I would do a vodka soda with Tito's and extra limes... You have a watered-down vodka with the carbonation in the lime.” [36:29]

• Gareth Reynolds suggests a Bellini as a more sophisticated alternative, noting its lower calorie content and gluten-free status, making it both a conversation starter and a classy choice.

  • Gareth Reynolds: “It's an intriguing order. Brittany, he’s wrong. Now I'm helping. You've got some. We've thrown some ideas here.” [40:43]

Conclusion:
Brittany opts to switch to a Tito’s Vodka-based drink, appreciating the simplicity and sophistication it brings. She also expresses interest in trying a Bellini during the summer for variety. The hosts validate her choice, reinforcing the idea that her new drink orders will enhance her social interactions without compromising her health needs.

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3. Organizing the Ultimate Roast: Courtney's 40th Birthday Bash

Caller: Courtney from Glenside, Pennsylvania
Timestamp: [48:30] – [62:28]

Issue:
Courtney is planning a 40th birthday party for her husband, Todd, in the form of a comedic roast. While Todd appreciates humor and is comfortable being teased, Courtney worries about ensuring the event remains enjoyable and avoids awkward or hurtful moments. She seeks guidance on organizing the roast, selecting appropriate participants, and managing the flow to guarantee laughter and affection rather than discomfort.

Discussion & Insights:
Jake and Gareth provide Courtney with strategic advice on structuring the roast to maintain a balance between humor and respect. They emphasize the importance of selecting the right participants, setting clear guidelines, and preparing the roasters to prevent the event from devolving into chaos or unintentional offense.

Notable Advice:

• Gareth Reynolds recommends limiting the number of roasters to maintain control over the event’s tone and ensuring that jokes remain appropriate.

  • Gareth Reynolds: “I would select five people... and give a list of topics you think will be very fertile.” [54:25]

• Jake Johnson advises vetting the jokes beforehand and involving participants in the preparation process to avoid repetitive or insensitive humor.

  • Jake Johnson: “You need to know, like, oh, my... what the fuck, man?” [55:53]

• Both hosts suggest incorporating multimedia elements, such as video messages from absent guests, to include everyone without overwhelming the actual event with too many live roasts.

  • Jake Johnson: “If you have the one of your funnier friends... watch some roast videos.” [60:06]

Conclusion:
Courtney takes the hosts' advice to heart, deciding to select a limited group of trusted friends and family to perform the roasts, each adhering to predefined topics to ensure the humor remains light-hearted and affectionate. She plans to solicit jokes in advance and consider incorporating video messages to involve all guests without risking on-the-spot awkwardness. Jake and Gareth encourage her to maintain a structured yet fun environment, ensuring Todd’s roast is both memorable and meaningful.

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Final Thoughts

In Episode 129, "I'm a Hoot and a Half," Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds showcase their unique ability to blend humor with practical advice, addressing diverse listener challenges with empathy and creativity. Whether resolving household disagreements, enhancing social experiences, or orchestrating unforgettable celebrations, the hosts provide insightful solutions that resonate with listeners seeking guidance in their personal lives.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Berg: “You can't fail. And I get you.” [14:04] – Emphasizing the supportive nature of their advice.

• Gareth Reynolds: “Robustly, we're here to help.” [42:32] – Highlighting their commitment to assisting callers.

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Join the Conversation:
Do you have a question or dilemma you'd like Jake and Gareth to tackle? Email your query to [e-mail] for a chance to be featured in an upcoming episode of "We're Here to Help."

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Steve Berg]

And we are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And back.

[Steve Berg]

Garfman, what's your Mount Rushmore of this show? Favorite calls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that's.

[Steve Berg]

And if you can't remember specifics type.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of calls, I definitely think the. What was it? Mr. H. Is that the guy's name?

[Steve Berg]

Oh, hot takes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hot takes. Yeah, that was great. The boob funeral. Oh yeah. Was a real pitch. I also like, I like the calls and the caller. I mean, I'm not trying to encourage this. I like when people are like, yeah, like that was great and it's quick. I also like, there are some where we've been on the phone for 50 minutes and we're both like, agreed, sir, we have nothing left to give you.

[Steve Berg]

The doctor just did that to us. He was the most recent. Remember hard boiled egg doctor?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes.

[Steve Berg]

Where we would go like then you would go, yeah. And we'd be like, okay, so then you bring in the egg, you do this. And he'd go, I mean, should I bring it in with a bag?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like this is your underwhelmed. We're like, help us help you. Yeah, I like those as well. Because I like those so goofy. Where we're at the end, like, sir, we're going to send you $100 to leave us alone.

[Steve Berg]

Well, going off that. I also like when they are, you know, nobody's actually making us mad or annoying us. It's all for fun. But like when they're doing a call that's not going right. Like, remember Madonna one with the Madonna lie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And that was. We were doing. We were banking a bunch and she was talking about her kid and anxiety. And then I was like, I just don't see how we're going to air this because we can't give real advice on anxiety. It was like, we don't know what a kid should do. And I remember getting all mad at her and being like, come on, come on. And then all of a sudden, she starts going on this new world, and you're like, oh, I love when a call in the middle almost switches premise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And then like, sometimes it.

[John Gabris]

It.

[Steve Berg]

Sometimes it takes late. The last thing one of us will pitch something and we're like, now the call just started. We're just 20 minutes into it for the most part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We normally are pretty good at the beginning of knowing a direction, but there are also times where we're like, someone talk. And then like 15 in. Yeah, one of us will be like, that's the angle.

[Steve Berg]

Very rarely is there one that afterwards. I've thought we offered no help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. There are very few.

[Steve Berg]

I don't know if they'll take it. I don't know if it'll work. But like, we did pitch, by the way, with all the talk of how weird it is that I have all these animals in my backyard and all that we have forgotten. You have a big pain. You have a cat behind your head.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, everyone, enjoy the show. Without further ado.

[Steve Berg]

Hello.

[John Gabris]

Hello. Welcome to. Hi. Welcome to. Sorry. I'm so excited. I'm so excited.

[Steve Berg]

Right before this one started, he said, I'm so hungry. Do not rush through this.

[Emma]

Okay? I just want to say that I love your guys show and me and my fiance listen to all the time. So I'm so excited.

[John Gabris]

Well, full disclosure, the wonderful Gareth Reynolds is not here today. He is traveling for work. So I am Steve Berg. I am the substitute today. But you are also joined by Jake Johnson and the shark.

[Emma]

Okay, amazing.

[Steve Berg]

So can we get your name, please?

[Emma]

Yeah, My name is Emma.

[Steve Berg]

Emma. And Emma, where are you calling from?

[Emma]

I am calling from Brooklyn, New York.

[Steve Berg]

What part of Brooklyn?

[Emma]

Crown Heights. Prospect Heights area.

[Steve Berg]

You ever go through Greenpoint?

[Emma]

Yes, all the time.

[Steve Berg]

You seen a house that has pumpkins out front with underpants on them?

[Emma]

I don't think I've seen that house.

[John Gabris]

Jake always asked us, by the way.

[Steve Berg]

This is just kind of a go to question. And if there's not one there, I hope there will be soon. Emma, if you were to have a last meal, if you were one of those people in a jail situation, you're about to be electrocuted, and they said, this is your last meal. Emma, what are you putting together on that big plate of food?

[Emma]

Oh, that's a tough question.

[Steve Berg]

It could be a weird mix. This is in a restaurant.

[John Gabris]

This is the best question I've ever heard.

[Steve Berg]

Okay, what do you think?

[Emma]

Okay, so I recently got diagnosed with celiac, so I can't eat gluten anymore. But, yes, you.

[Steve Berg]

Behold. Hey, Emma. Emma, you got about four hours before you're gone.

[John Gabris]

Get that baguette girl.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah.

[Emma]

Yes. So I'm eating, like, a plate of, like, pancakes, bread, sourdough, like, waffles. Anything that you can think of that has gluten in it. Like a whole giant plate.

[John Gabris]

Yes, yes.

[Steve Berg]

You'll die before they electrocute you. Just to say fuck you.

[Emma]

Right?

[John Gabris]

Is there a main course, though? I'm like. Like a lasagna or one. Something like that.

[Emma]

Yeah. I think, honestly, pasta with butter. Like, real pasta.

[Steve Berg]

So you're. You're a carb girl, Emily.

[Emma]

So good. Yes. I love carbs.

[John Gabris]

So good.

[Steve Berg]

We're all carb girls. But you're not a big. You're not a big protein fan.

[Emma]

Protein's okay, but carbs, definitely way better. Like, desserts. That's the biggest thing I miss. Cake, all sorts of cupcakes, cookies, all that.

[John Gabris]

Holy shit.

[Steve Berg]

Boy, this is winning. So, Emma, now we got a setup. You've made us all very hungry.

[John Gabris]

Very hungry.

[Steve Berg]

You revealed us all to be carb girls. So what can we do for you today?

[Emma]

Okay, so the question that I have for you. Well, first I'll tell you the problem. So my fiance and I have gotten into repeated argument for the past six months about a folding table in our apartment. And we live in this, like, kind of like a loft in Brooklyn. It's pretty spacious, but we only have, like, a couch and, like, a kitchen counter with chairs. And I really like to have people over for dinner, so I really wanted a dining room table. And he was like, no. No way. No dining room table. It's gonna mess up, like, the flow of the apartment. So I was like, you know what?

[Steve Berg]

I'll be a feng shui kind of guy.

[Emma]

Yeah. He was like, I care so much about this. And I was like, fine, we'll get a folding table, right? Like, I'll store it. I'll put it away. When people come, we'll take it out. It'll be good. Still. No. He was like, no. What I don't want a folding table in the apartment. We don't have a good place to put it. There is. There's, like, a closet. It would fit in the closet. No problem. So I'm like, okay, fine, you're being unreasonable. But what if I'll borrow it from our neighbor? Like, I'll borrow it. It'll be in the apartment for, like, five hours to the dinner party, and I'll return. He's like, no. Under no one's name.

[Steve Berg]

Emma, Emma, this guy is simply unreasonable. Truly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like you.

[John Gabris]

Partnerships are about negotiation. You get.

[Steve Berg]

But also, Steve, imagine a couple guys like you and I trying this with our ladies. It simply wouldn't work.

[John Gabris]

My wife would turn me into a pile of ashes instantly.

[Steve Berg]

I would change my tune and say, like, I'm the one fighting for the table.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly.

[Steve Berg]

Okay, so, Emma, he won't budge on a table. Did something happen when he was a boy with a table? Did a table fall on his head?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Emma]

It's so crazy, because he doesn't care. Like, I designed our whole apartment. Like, I picked all the furniture in college. Like, his apartment was, like two folding chairs, like beach chairs. And, like, a TV on, like, a crate. Yeah. Like, he has never in his life cared about apartment feng shui. And all of a sudden, he's, like, quoting interior designers. And he's like, no, it's going to mess up the interior design, dying landscape. And I was like, oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

[John Gabris]

So he. There's a little bit of a sea chain in his attitude. And what is important to him in this? It seems like. Is he, like, ultimatum in this? Like, this is, like, so deeply important to where he won't budge. Or do you think he's just being a little bit difficult in terms of, like, I don't want that. You wouldn't let me have that one chair I wanted. Like, is he getting back at you for something?

[Steve Berg]

Oh, is this a negotiation?

[Emma]

Yeah, that's a good question. But I was like. He was like, no, you always get your way. And this time you're not getting your way about the bowling patient.

[Steve Berg]

Emma, Emma, Emma. Now we're starting to get to the meat and potatoes of this last meal, right? We started with the carbs girl, but we were living in pancakes and croissants, and then you just dropped a steak on the table. Emma, what are we calling this partner of yours? Joe Pesci.

[Emma]

Miscue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Joe Pesci.

[John Gabris]

Let's call him Joe Pesci.

[Steve Berg]

What do we call them?

[Emma]

His name is Hugh.

[Steve Berg]

Hugh. Okay, so Hugh, now let me ask you a real question here because this is madness, this idea. If you want. So I get it if he doesn't want a big folding tape, a big table in the middle, but I gotta say, you're very reasonable. A folding table that gets stored and him going, no, let me ask you a bigger question. What have you won that you don't even consider a win between you? Because for you it's basic. But he feels like he lost. Cause I got a feeling there's something big that he feels like he lost. And for you you're like, it wasn't even a negotiation. Hugh was being a maniac.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Emma]

Okay, so probably the fact that we live in New York was like a huge win for me because he wanted to move out west and I was like, everyone we know lives here. We're staying in New York.

[John Gabris]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Steve Berg]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's meant to.

[John Gabris]

That's a huge win for you. I will say huge.

[Steve Berg]

That makes a folding table just seem like a little stupid old folding table.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, I'm on you side now.

[Steve Berg]

Let's get where? Out west. Did Hugh want to move to Idaho.

[Emma]

Yikes, right? That's. I did not want to move to Idaho.

[John Gabris]

No, you don't.

[Emma]

He likes skiing. Okay. He really likes skiing. Like hiking and stuff. So that's like why he wanted to move there.

[Steve Berg]

And how long have you two been together?

[Emma]

Five years.

[Steve Berg]

Okay. Is this going to end in wedding bells?

[Emma]

Yes. We got engaged over the summer.

[Jake Johnson]

Congratulations.

[Steve Berg]

Go ahead.

[John Gabris]

I, I have an important question. How is he in terms of like his social proclivity? Does he like to entertain and have people over or is that something that is important to you but not him?

[Emma]

No, he does not like having people over. But he is the one who does cooking.

[John Gabris]

I think this might.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah, he does the cooking because he's a little socially awkward.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, he's all hiding the kitchen. So my, my, my thinking is, is that he doesn't want to entertain. He doesn't want to have dinner parties like you. And it seems like that's Stevie.

[Steve Berg]

He wanted to go to Idaho to get away from all these people.

[John Gabris]

Look, people want to go to Idaho and who want to ski and who are kind of, you know, have a granola. Ish bed. They're non materialist people. They're less is more people. They like, I'll hang my mountain bike in the thing and have like a little hot plate. I'm good.

[Steve Berg]

They don't want a table that's meant for hosting when they don't want to host in the first place.

[John Gabris]

What. So what if. What if here. Here is. I don't know if this is going to work, but they do make these wonderful tables that they have spacers in them, right? And you can take the spacers out and it can fold into a little two person table or it can. It can become a six person table. If you. What if you kind of reimagine the pitch thing. Like, look, Hugh, babe, you know, you make such great food. It would be nice maybe every once in a while to not sit in front of the TV like a couple of zombies and eat dinner, but actually sit at a table, light a candle, have a little wine, like have a night where we connect and say, how was your day? How was your day? We don't have to do it every night, Hugh, but maybe on a Saturday night it would be fun to eat at a table. If he's like, no, I just like to eat at the couch, then.

[Steve Berg]

But you're. But Emma, he's talking about a good old switcheroo.

[John Gabris]

It's a switcheroo where it's basically you compliment him. It's like, I really enjoy. It's so wonderful when you put these wonderfully thoughtful meals together and sometimes just they feel diminished while we're, you know, sitting on the couch watching a friend's rerun.

[Steve Berg]

What do you think, Emma? Do you think you could convince him to get a table for another room in your apartment? And then when you buy that table, it has extenders? Do you think that's a reality?

[Emma]

I think the problem is there isn't like a good spot for it to live, although, like in kind of like the center of the room, which is exactly what he doesn't want. Because I did pose that as like, I was like looking at those like, tables, like convert, like smaller tables and the ones that like fold up and da, da. And he was like, no, we have too much stuff. We have too much furniture. I don't want anything else.

[Steve Berg]

Where do you guys eat your meals?

[Emma]

We either eat at the kitchen counter, like at their like stools there, or we eat on the couch.

[John Gabris]

Okay, so you do have a kitchen counter, but is it a side by side?

[Emma]

It's like, has like room for like two chairs, basically.

[Steve Berg]

I mean, host Stevie. Not enough to host. No, no, but very romantic.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, it is romantic. That kind of. That kind of nixes the idea of like, I just want to have. Sit at a table and have a nice meal with you because you have.

[Steve Berg]

That Let me pitch something. Yeah, let me pitch something. That might be stupid, okay? But this is a low IQ show.

[John Gabris]

What are you talking about?

[Steve Berg]

Test us. Test us. Nobody wants to see those results.

[John Gabris]

We will not pass.

[Steve Berg]

Well, it's not a pass fail. It just gives you your number.

[John Gabris]

It all is, buddy.

[Steve Berg]

You can't fail. And I get you.

[John Gabris]

I did.

[Steve Berg]

So what if you, in that big dining room area, you got a big, comfy throw rug.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Steve Berg]

And you did a little Brooklyn style when you hosted, and everybody sat on the floor.

[Emma]

So that's what he, like, wants people to do, like sit on the floor around the coffee table.

[Steve Berg]

But bean bags.

[Emma]

I don't know that. Bean bags.

[Steve Berg]

Interesting.

[Emma]

So bean bags, like, on the floor.

[John Gabris]

We store those.

[Steve Berg]

And also. But you just have them around. He'll sit on him. And also, he's a. You know what? He's a. He's a skier. You know what they need? Those little travel chairs, those little camping chairs.

[Emma]

True.

[Steve Berg]

I bet he's got some of those now.

[John Gabris]

We're talking about more storage.

[Steve Berg]

No, but is Hugh a camper? Does he camp?

[Emma]

He does camp.

[Brittany]

Yeah.

[Emma]

He has, like, some. I don't know if he probably has, like. He probably has, like, one of those, like, camping chairs.

[Steve Berg]

Okay. This is hard.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. How old?

[Emma]

I know.

[John Gabris]

How old is you?

[Emma]

We are both 20. I'm 26 and he's 27.

[John Gabris]

Oh, your babies. Your babies. So, yeah, you guys had the kinds of backs that could actually sit out. Be in back and be. So we're comfortable.

[Emma]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

I've got. I've got. I've got a weird one for you.

[Emma]

Okay.

[Steve Berg]

It's a lie. Are you comfortable?

[Emma]

Okay.

[Steve Berg]

Are you comfortable?

[Emma]

I'm comfortable with it. I'm not good at lying, but I'm comfortable with it.

[John Gabris]

You can get good.

[Steve Berg]

Who's good at lying? We are. So here's what I say. You go, so in super strange news, my great aunt just died, who I was not close with, and she left me this old antique table. So it's being. It's being delivered. I don't want it either, but I guess we could sell it after it gets here. And then you've got it. You set it up, and it just takes you forever to sell that thing.

[Emma]

Just having me, like, I don't know, it's just not working. Nobody wants it.

[Steve Berg]

And then once it's there. Here's my feeling about a guy like you. Once it's in this space, who cares?

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Emma]

Once it's there, he's not gonna. He's not gonna think about it. That's what I think.

[Steve Berg]

Or you just fucking get one.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And he comes home, and you just lay on it, and you say, take me on this table. And you're instantly. You know what you call it? A sex table.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. It's not for entertaining. Look, the entertaining was a ruse. That was my excuse. But really.

[Steve Berg]

Or you get a table and when he comes home one day, put blankets on it and go, I got us a massage table, and I'd like to give you a massage. And he goes, that's not a massage table. That's a hosting table. And you go, what are you talking about, you psychopath? This is a. I'm working on massaging my man.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And then you go, do you not want to lay down and get. You go, do you not want to lay down and get an hour massage? And he'll go, like. I mean, I do, but I don't. And I go, we can't do it on the floor. That's insane.

[John Gabris]

I is crazy as this one is. I like it. Because I think you can also lighten the tone of this negotiation slash argument, because even if you go to the length of doing this and a. He benefits. He gets a massage. 2. He sees that it's a bit. And you're funny, and yet, yes, it is really important.

[Steve Berg]

And it's foldable.

[John Gabris]

It's foldable. Get a foldable one. Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

So that you can get rid of. You go, I'm just bringing out this massage table to give you massages, and then I want to get rid of it. Are you cool with that? And then you go, or I could just throw it in an alley and not give you a massage.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And then you go, but I do have a fantasy. Go ahead, Emma.

[Emma]

Oh, God. I was just gonna say we actually got. He actually got a massage for the first time this past weekend, and he loved it. He's obsessed with it.

[Steve Berg]

Yes.

[John Gabris]

Perfect timing.

[Steve Berg]

That's what I would do. I would get a retractable, foldable table. Whatever you can get rid of. I would get some sort of a comfortable blanket on top of it and make sure it's strong enough for a Hugh's body.

[Emma]

Okay.

[Steve Berg]

Because, well, you don't want. You don't want to get it. Hugh goes on. It falls and breaks.

[John Gabris]

That's true. He's gonna be definitely out on the table.

[Steve Berg]

Then he's gonna be mad. But if you can. You can set it up as, hey, after your massage, I realize how much you liked it. I think it's something that could be fun. For us that we could give each other massages. We could kind of get into that. Maybe unlike a birthday or a special night, we could have somebody come here and give us a massage. Ooh, exactly. Yeah. You go, like, what if I got a.

[Emma]

Maybe there's a massage table that, like, converts into a dinner table.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

I don't know if that's gonna be.

[Steve Berg]

But it could.

[John Gabris]

Maybe it could.

[Steve Berg]

A couple's massage table that you could put something on top of.

[Emma]

Oh, like a platform. Like a. Like a wooden platform.

[Steve Berg]

And, you know, you do with that platform, when you're done with it, lean it against the wall. You know what it takes in terms of space, 2 inches.

[John Gabris]

And I will say, as a person who likes to attend a dinner party, make sure you clean that surface before you feed people, because they could get all greasy. You know, like, there. There's oils and lotions involved. So, like, you know, so it was. Let's make it sanitary.

[Emma]

Yeah.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, yeah. But the thing is, make sure it is a fold enough. It can fold away and be put away easy where it's not taking up too much cloth space and that it's weight bearing for old Hugh.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah. So what do you think? Are you going to do this?

[Emma]

I think yes. I think I like this plan. Finding some sort of table that will support his weight and, like, playing it off as, like, a massage. I like this. I like this plan.

[Steve Berg]

And, you know, if I'm Hugh. Right. And I lost the Idaho thing, I don't even want to be in New York. I don't want to host. I love my partner. I want to be with Emma. I'm happy in my situation, but I'm kind of getting a raw deal. And then for some weird reason, I draw a line in the sand, and I say, like, no table. And now I'm kind of too deep into this, and I can't get out of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

I came home one day, and then you can't lose because then all of a sudden, you're losing everything. And he's still 27.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

I mean, a week and a half ago, he was 18. Soon, this part of his will is going to slow down, but it's just not there yet. So if he. If he comes home and there's a big table and he goes, like, what the is going on?

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And on it there's a note that says, I got us a massage table. This card gets you free 10 massages from me whenever you want it. Then he's won by losing.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. And also, I think it will I really do think this will lighten the negotiation. Like, I think he'll feel like so too. I think he'll have a laugh and even maybe feel to himself like, gosh, maybe I was being a little harsh on the table.

[Emma]

Yes, I like this. Yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And so, Emma, what are you going to do? What are your next steps? How are you going to find a massage table that works as a folding table? What the hell are you going to do here?

[Emma]

Good question. I think I'm going to start on Amazon. Amazon feels like a good place to start. See if I can find any load bearing folding tables and some like big puffy blankets.

[Courtney]

That feels like a good place.

[John Gabris]

Wayfair too.

[Steve Berg]

And guess where those blankets exist when they're not massages. On the couch for tv.

[Emma]

Yeah, exactly. Extra, extra cozy.

[Steve Berg]

So I would get those first. So they're just in your house. And he goes, what are these for? Do you go, I'm always cold.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. My feet get cold in the, in the winter.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah. So, Emma, are you gonna actually do this?

[Emma]

Yes, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

[Steve Berg]

Will you send us a photo of it when it's all set up in the dining room?

[Emma]

Absolutely. I will send you guys a photo.

[Steve Berg]

And if he's willing to play ball, will you do it with him laying on the table?

[John Gabris]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Steve Berg]

And if he. If you don't want to risk it just that. But if he's willing to play ball, it'd be great to see him laying on that table in the middle of the dining room.

[Emma]

Okay, I'll do my best. I'll do my best.

[Steve Berg]

All right. We appreciate you. Thanks for the call.

[Emma]

Okay, thanks so much. Bye.

[Steve Berg]

This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. To get started, go to mint mobile.com here to help. There you'll see that right now all three month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Find out just how easy it is to switch to Mint mobile and get three months of your premium wireless service for just 15 bucks a month.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get this new customer offer and your three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mint mobile.com heretohelp that's mintmobile.com heretohelp. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com heretohelp $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 a month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And we are brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Listen, you want to spark something uncommon this holiday season? Do it with the right gift from Uncommon Goods now. If you haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, do not lose your mind. Don't go running into the streets, breaking windows and just punching strangers and things like that. Just go to uncommongoods.com they have tons of amazing products from there. I'm not going to lie. I got a sweater with dogs on it. But they have so much more stuff. You can go there and you could just. It really is an amazing place to source a bunch of things. It feels like you're going through Indiana Jones's library. There's just tons of things and you're supporting small independent businesses. When you go to uncommongoods.com Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So don't wait around and be like I'll come back tomorrow and get get it now. Uncommon Goods looks for their products. Then make sure they're high quality, unique, handmade, made in the usa. They have the most meaningful out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. Whether it's the holiday host or hostesses gifts or cool finds for kids like Kevin has five Kids or hits for book lovers, diehard sports fans, whatever it is, go to uncommongoods.com and with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date. Mom, are you there? Yes, I'm doing an ad for Uncommon Goods. Do you like their products? I'll call you back. So go to uncommongoods.com do it.

[Steve Berg]

To get 15% off of your next gift, go to uncommongoods. That's uncommon goods.com heretohelp for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the order and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'Re brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club offers shave and grooming products that are always high quality but never overpriced. Listen, I have been using Dollar Shave Club razors for a long time. They have wet shave products. Julie, flip the script on how we shave. It's so much easier now. They have things like the Club Series 6 Blade Razor. It's just a perfect shave. You look at me, I've got a beard but I trim around. Don't tell anybody. Six stainless steel blades and it's the closest and most comfortable shave imaginable. There's the diamond grip handles, heavy metal handles. That one's worth the weight. Shave butter. I know what you're saying. I've been putting that on my popcorn. You're doing it all wrong. You put it on your face. And there's also post shave do. Okay, they have a double headed electric trimmer. There's style detailer precision trimmer for everything. Personal care for dudes. So do us a favor and join up with the dollar shave club.

[Steve Berg]

Don't take our word for it. Try for yourself. You can visit their site right now for 20% off of $20 or more and get your products delivered right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com heretohelp and use promo code here to help for 20% off $20 or more. This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is the app that helps you get rid of unwanted subscriptions that you're paying for and you no longer need. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. See all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going. For any you don't want anymore. Rocket Money can help you cancel with just a few taps. Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they're using all the app's features.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com help. That's rocket money.com help. Rocket money.com help. Hi there. Who are we talking to?

[Brittany]

My name is Brittany.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brittany, hi. Welcome to. We're here to help. You've got Jake and Gareth. Can I ask your age and where you're calling from?

[Brittany]

Yes, I am 36 and I'm calling from my office in Burbank at the moment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Burbank? We could do this in person.

[Brittany]

Yeah, in California. It's very exciting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, welcome. We're excited to hear what's going on. Why don't you tell us what's up?

[Brittany]

Okay, so basically I need a new go to drink order. When I go out with friends, I can't drink beer, whiskey, some gins, or scotch. Like, I know that's annoying. My default drink. Hold on, hold on.

[Steve Berg]

Brittany. Brittany, you just jumped over a lot. Why can't you drink beer, whiskey, all those. Are you, like. Are you an allergy lady, or are you a wild drunk woman?

[Brittany]

I'm an allergy lady. It's unfortunate. I have celiac.

[Steve Berg]

Anything with. I'm going to pretend now that this is also going to be a medical call, so. Anything with gluten.

[Brittany]

Exactly. You are so smart. I called the right people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That question was from both of us, just so you know.

[Steve Berg]

But what about a Tito's, then? Can you get. Isn't Tito's made out of potatoes?

[Brittany]

Yeah, I can do Tito's. I can do most vodkas, tequila, champagne and rum.

[Steve Berg]

Tequila is a wonderful. Yeah, because I got to tell you here, be. You're talking to another allergy guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, what do you.

[Brittany]

Sorry.

[Steve Berg]

I had. Brittany, I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but we're going to get back to you, I promise. I did a press tour. I didn't. I didn't have anything. I did a press tour with Damon Waynes Jr. We were in Arizona. It was for either let's be Cops or New Girl. And I woke up with bumps all over my body, my face, my neck. And I was convinced it was bedbugs. And we freaked out. It was. It was let's be cops because Nick Thomas, the writer, was there. And they were like, this is disgusting. This dump of a hotel gave you bugs. I was on a plane. Nobody would sit next to me. I had to kind of sit in my own little space. I got home, threw away all my clothes. My wife wouldn't let me in the house. Threw away my luggage, got in, like, basically a gown and went to the emergency room. And the guy did a blood test and said, not bedbugs. Allergy to dairy, and anything related to the cow. And so, Brittany, that led me on a journey because one of my allergies, I found was also the. The creation of histamines. So, wines, beers, all that out the window?

[Brittany]

Oh, no.

[Steve Berg]

But the journey to beautiful tequilas and vodkas began then.

[Brittany]

You are definitely the right person.

[Steve Berg]

Yes. You've called the right place.

[Brittany]

I'm so thankful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What was your favorite drink before you found out about this allergy? Brittany? What was your ghost?

[Brittany]

I didn't drink a lot before I grew up. Very lame and sheltered. And so I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. And then probably after that, it was another year or two. So I just Discovered alcohol, and then it was all taken away from me. So up to this point, my default is kind of just like a vodka Diet Coke. But I get a lot of side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that is wild.

[Steve Berg]

That is a Diet Coke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a Montague and Capulet cocktail.

[Brittany]

Okay, this is why I need you guys, because this is the reaction I get everywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And everyone's right.

[Steve Berg]

Everyone's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everyone's right on this. I hate to say it like that, but they're right.

[Steve Berg]

Brittany, if you And I went out and I said, you go, let's just sit at this corner table. I grew up pretty sheltered. This bar is a little bit much for me. And I go, let me handle the order. And I grew up like a wild animal. And I go, b, what can I get you to drink here? You've been working all day in Burbank. You're exhausted, and you go, just get me a vodka Diet Coke. I'm walking, right? I'm going to the bathroom, crawling out the goddamn window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is the drink order, and we're not trying to roast you. But that is the drink order of someone who didn't have alcohol till after 21. You're just kind of taking two things you like, but they don't mash them together. Don't. They can't. They cannot Coke.

[Steve Berg]

Okay, so, Brittany, let's. Let's get to the root of this. What do you like about a vodka Diet Coke? You just like Diet Cokes and you like vodka, or do you just like a Diet Coke?

[Brittany]

I like that I can pronounce it. I like that it's easy. I like that, you know, anywhere you go, except some places only have Pepsi and that I will not do. A vodka Pepsi. That is just. That's crossing a line for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's an interesting line you have there.

[Steve Berg]

Agree. I'm with Gary.

[Brittany]

Yeah, I have. I have some taste, but I just. I don't know. I think it's lovely. I blacked out. I forgot what you asked me, but. Oh, it's sweet. It's nice. It. You know, if the ice melts, it doesn't taste terrible if you add, like, a little squeeze of lime.

[Steve Berg]

Brittany, do you. Do you not really like alcohol, but you're going out socially and you like the social lubrication of it all?

[Brittany]

Well, I don't need social lubrication. I'm like a hoot and a half. I am usually the designated driver because I am so fun without Alcoh. However, like, when I do go out. Yeah, when I do go out with Friends or on dates or whatever. I just. I don't want to gross people out, you know, And I think this is really, you know, I'm still single and I would like to not be. And I have a feeling maybe if I can get a cool drink order that sounds either fun or sophisticated, that might help.

[Steve Berg]

I'm going to tell you this, it's not going to hurt.

[Brittany]

Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Now, let me ask you one question, and I only ask this because I'm trying to target the perfect cocktail for you. Is the Diet Coke part of it? Is that a calorie rationale or is that just. You like Diet Coke?

[Steve Berg]

It's a good question.

[Brittany]

I just like a Diet Coke. I think a regular Coke, it's just way too much sugar. I don't drink coffee. I'm very peppy without anything. And so I'm just afraid to add a lot of sugar in because I'm already a little hummingbird.

[Steve Berg]

Can I just start before. Gareth, you start thinking of drinks? Because I feel like you're going into direction that I'm going to try to get us away from. Okay, say we get rid of the Diet Coke, of it all, and the sweet drink. You're not. You don't want to order a Sea Breeze, right? You don't want to order a screwdriver. You don't want to go like, do you have fresh pineapple? You're just looking for a simple drink that doesn't overly taste like alcohol, that is going to be socially acceptable. You're not somebody. It doesn't seem to me like you're somebody who's a problem drinker. So you're going to have one or two drinks, tops. I'm going to lead out with something here, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, go.

[Steve Berg]

Here's what I would lead out with a Tito's Vodka. Because when you order a specific brand, it's cooler than just saying, well, vodka, okay. You know, when you're 22, you could just say like, whatever, and then they just give you trash. So a Tito's is a nice, solid vodka. It's also made from. It's potato based. And if anybody wants to check my facts, I don't have them. I'm confident, but I don't have a lot of that knowledge. So I'm leaving it. I believe it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's your sweet spot. Yep.

[Steve Berg]

Thank you. And what I would do is I would do a vodka soda with Tito's and extra limes, and I would actually take the limes and squeeze them in, then mix it together. And now You've got a. You let that ice melt a little bit, which will cut into your vodka. And now you have a watered down vodka with the carbonation in the lime. And for a 36 year old lady in Burbank who's just looking for one drink on a date, that feels pretty sweet to me. It's a sophisticated order. It feels like a nice, solid thing that you're going to actually enjoy drinking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Brittany]

That feels good. I could get behind that. I like that. I feel comfortable with it. It's not making me sweat, you know, I'm not getting nervous thinking about it.

[Steve Berg]

It's a really easy order. And the name, branding, the vodka helps. And having like the extra lime just make you feel like you got a little bit of flair. God damn.

[Brittany]

Yeah. Like it's a little vacation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's actually probably the cocktail I'm going to be moving to soon because I like wine. I see guys like Jake and I, we cut out hard liquor for reasons that are not. We have an allergy like gluten to it. It's more like we forget things that we said to people. We had long conversations. I had my last public blackout probably about two and a half years ago at a wedding. And since then I've sworn off the hard alcohol as far as like, you know, shots, things like that. But a vodka soda is a very simple drink. I think you're definitely not going to get a lot of judgment because that is a very popular drink. I have one other pitch, and it's just because I think it's a good conversation start. Right? So if you want to go under the radar, I think the vodka soda is perfect. But if you want someone to be like, what the hell did you just order? In a good way. Bellini. I'm looking it up. A Bellini is low, low calorie. It is. It's gluten free. And it's just kind of a weird little cocktail to get dropped off. It's basically mimosas, but it's got a better name. Mimosas, we all know, is the breakfast drink. It's what us alcoholics have with waffles to pretend like things are fine. But the Bellini is maybe a way. If you're on a date and you don't want to say the vodka diet soda, which we're all flagging, is problematic. Vodka soda, you're going to fly under the radar. But if you want, hey, what the hell's a bellini? There you go.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah, you might be able to, but Brittany, do you Want a what the hell's a Bellini moment?

[Brittany]

You know, I'm a big researcher, so I'm just going to look up a Bellini after this. I think I've had one before. As long as I can confidently talk about it, that's great. People don't even give me a chance to talk about vodka Diet Coke before, like you two just went off on me. So I feel like a Bellini that's more approachable. So I think I could do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We piled on and let me just say on behalf of both of us, I'm sorry. We really just. We jumped right in.

[Steve Berg]

I gotta jump the other way. We jumped on, but I think we jumped on for good reason.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree, but I'm trying to be nice. I just.

[Steve Berg]

I know you're trying to be nice, but sometimes there's a grenade and you're around a bunch and you gotta jump on it. And we did. Brittany, we're here to help. We're not here to rub your back and say, great job. A vodka Diet Coke is a bad order.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is what Charles Manson would have had.

[Courtney]

Okay, you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm being aggressive now. Maybe I over jumped. I apologize. I don't know.

[Brittany]

I'm never going to learn if I don't hear this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Steve Berg]

But you do seem like a lovely person. I think a Bellini is okay. I wouldn't lean out on a Bellini. Personally, I like to fly under the radar. But if you're somebody who likes to research, that's fine. Here's another easy one. And this is just a. You could look a little cool, but without being over the top. You could a hard seltzer and ask for anything local. So sure, you could go, but. So, but you could also go, like, do you have any? Especially in California, all these, like hipster brewery places now are doing their own hard seltzers, but infused with like mangoes from a local mango tree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's pretty good.

[Steve Berg]

And I gotta tell you, they taste delicious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is pretty good.

[Steve Berg]

There's not a high alcohol count. So if you are a quote unquote problem drinker, like the guy's giving you advice right now, you can drink about a hundred of those and you're gonna be just fine. But if you make this call and you go, I do have any, like, local breweries that are doing their own hard seltzers. They will have one or two. And then if you go, you know, you name the fruits that's infused in it that you like, you're going to really enjoy that can, in my opinion. So I would go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that.

[Steve Berg]

I would either go that or the most basic is vodka soda Bellini, if you want a conversation starter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you want to do the hard seltzer with a conversation starter. Hard seltzer. And I'd like a champagne flute.

[Brittany]

Oh, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's intriguing.

[Steve Berg]

I'm just saying it's an intriguing order. Brittany, he's. You wrong. Now I'm helping. You've got some. We've thrown some ideas here. Now, we like to end these with. What do you think you're going to do?

[Brittany]

I think I'm going to do the Tito's and vodka. I think that's super easy. I will do a Bellini once the summer. I will try everything and then I'll take notes. I'll report back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Steve Berg]

Please.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, please let us know. And I think, no matter what, but the fact that you're moving away from the vodka diet soda, you're just surrounded by wins, so.

[Steve Berg]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, enjoy yourself and you'll find it. And I think also, again, I'm not. I think I'm really leaning into this conversation starter, but the fact that you're playing the field, that's a conversation starter. So if you need it, it's there.

[Brittany]

Yeah. Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

After my last line there.

[Steve Berg]

Well, I think you honestly weirded the fuck out of everybody. Me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a palpable feeling right now.

[Steve Berg]

Gareth. I think you got too honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just want the conversation started. And when we started this call, everybody was on board with that.

[Steve Berg]

Yeah, but jump ship right now. We want more podcast voice, Gareth. We don't want the real guy who.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got a box all together.

[Steve Berg]

No, we live and die together. Goodbye, Britney. This was a perfect call. We appreciate you calling. We hope we helped a little bit.

[Brittany]

Thank you so much. You helped a lot. Thank you.

[Emma]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are brought to you by Philo. Listen, Philo's got current seasons of shows that I can't miss. We can't miss. We watch TV together live on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery and TLC. You've got the classics, The Office, Martin, Friends. What did I say? The classics. I'm not lying. Shows you can watch over and over again. Originals on AMC, Mad Men, Orphan Black. It's also got 75,000 movies and shows. That is the rest of your life's viewing pleasure right there. All right. You can rewatch it over and over again. And look, I've said it before. Jake and I. Jake and I will text about some of the shows that maybe aren't as mainstream. We have a lot of those in common. One of those is Love after lockup or life after lockup. This show is something you should really get involved in. It's a very bingeable show and it is available here, so. But also Jersey Shore family vacation Catfish. Honestly, the re one of the reasons Jake and I were able to start this show was because of Jake's love of catfish. So Golden Girls, best pilot ever made. You can go watch all these shows. So do it.

[Steve Berg]

Best of all, with Philo, you get all this for just 28 bucks a month. No contracts, no hassle, just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Philo TV and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's Philo P H I L O TV to start watching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. Listen, we're here to solve problems and Squarespace helps us. The problem solvers also solve problems. Despite being really easy to use and very user friendly. Despite the fact that Kevin and I both have our personal websites used by the Squarespace template. Again, makes it look very professional. We also have Squarespace step in like a great bench player on the here to help basketball team. I'm pushing it. They, they have helped us make websites for problems that we needed to solve. When people need something to promote them or corroborate a fib because look, sometimes you got to get in the dirt. You got to muck it up a little bit. Squarespace helps us with that. It is shocking how many problems you can solve with a convincing website. Well, we, I honestly, dare I call it a crutch eventually, because we would go like, we could just make you a website and we would just make them a website. Yeah, I mean it, it really is. You could make it for whatever, but also your business. It doesn't always have to be for nefarious activities. They have design, intelligence, Squarespace payments connect social and multimedia accounts. Invoicing, you could sell your content, SEO tools. Truly, the list goes on and on. We love Squarespace. Squarespace loves us. I've been told. I haven't actually had contact with them. They don't return emails. Some of them bounce back, which is funny. But. Join the Squarespace movement people.

[Steve Berg]

Head to squarespace.com Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code. Gil, send a this episode is brought to you by maybe my favorite. Yeah, my favorite tasting sponsor, Herobread Hero Bread is the bread you love without the carbs Just because it's summer doesn't mean you have to cut out all the carb heavy foods you love. And it's not summer, it's near things. So what are your favorite Hero products? Mine are just the regular sliced bread. I like the tortillas. I like the Hawaiian rolls. I am an everyday eater of hero bread because being from the Chicagoland area, Kevin, we are Sandwich guys had BLTs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Over the weekend with Herobrad. They were delicious. A friend was with us and even called out, this bread's good.

[Steve Berg]

And you don't. And you don't feel guilty?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. So keep the carbs out of this season without compromising flavor. With Hero Bread, get 10% off your order at Hero Co and use code help at checkout. That's help. Dell Technologies Cyber Monday event is live. And if you've been waiting for an AI ready PC, this is their biggest sale of the year. Tech enthusiasts love this sale because it's all the newest hits plus all the greatest hits all on sale at once. Savings on Dell technologies. Most popular PCs that accelerate AI with Intel Core Ultra processors are here, like the XPS 16. So if you're ready to step up all things you like to do, streaming, surfing, multitasking, whatever, Dell Technologies AI Ready PCs are the perfect upgrade. And for the best of Intel Core Ultra processors, look for Intel EVO edition laptops engineered to do it all. Just visit Dell.com deals whether you're treating yourself or thinking of others, these Cyber Monday prices were worth the wait. But it's only here for a limited time. Shop [e-mail] deals.

[Courtney]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi there. Welcome to we're here to help, which is what we're going to do. You're on with Gareth. You know me, I'm on the show. And in Jake stead we have the fantastic John Gabris, who by the way, advice wise, is on fire. So you're in a good spot.

[Jake Johnson]

I've made all the mistakes you could in life at the ripe old age of 42.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Guide you from getting them yourself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Babe, things are bad. I see a poncho in the background. Can we get your name and where you're calling from and what's going on, please?

[Courtney]

Absolutely. My name is Courtney, I'm 37 and I'm calling from Glenside, Pennsylvania, which is a suburb of Philadelphia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, interesting. I'll be there soon. All right, Courtney, what's going on?

[Courtney]

So I'm throwing a 40th birthday party for my husband in the form of a roast Like a comedy roast.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Yeah, I'm tapping out. Good luck. Kevin, you're a lawyer. Are you a divorce lawyer? By any means?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is thin ice already, but okay, keep going.

[Courtney]

Well, okay, so he has a great sense of humor, and they all say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They do, and then they get roasted, and they're like, fuck you, Todd. Get out of my house.

[Jake Johnson]

I know comedians who can't handle being roasted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so three of them are on.

[Jake Johnson]

This zoom right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So he claims that. That he has a great sense of humor. Okay.

[Courtney]

Yes. And I noticed that he is more comfortable actually being teased than people. Like, saying nice things about him. Like, he's easier to connect with. Yeah. Through humor. So I think that it would be a really, actually meaningful way to celebrate him. But, of course, as you've mentioned, there's the risk that it could not go well, and a. A flop would be just so uncomfortable for him, but also for his guests. So my question is, how do I help our guests, our family and friends who are going to be the one roasting him? How do I give them guidance on how to make this event successful and make sure that we get some laughter and, you know, he feels the love and it's not just like one long, cringy event.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, Tony Hinchcliffe is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, It's. This is a dangerous. Okay. On roast, traditionally, you have a deus. So you have. You've selected people. Are you planning on going that route?

[Courtney]

So the people who are going to be roasting him will be our friends and family. It will be like, everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Did they volunteer?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Or did you assign a bunch of people to do this?

[Courtney]

I'm going to invite anyone who's invited to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Courtney, I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I'm gonna stop you right now.

[Jake Johnson]

This is actually. I'm way more qualified to give advice on running orders of shows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Than almost anything else that comes up. Less people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Less. I. You do not want to town hall it where someone could be like, jack's a fat fuck. You know, like, where he's, like, not a punchline. What I would do, first of all, I do not think open it up to everybody. I would. I would, like, give it wedding rules. Select the people who you're going to bestow the honor on to. First of all, length is going to be an issue if you're just letting anyone do it. Also, it's. It's just. I do think you'll find some misses Everybody feels like they can get roasted until it's happening, and everyone Feels like.

[Jake Johnson]

They can do roast until they step out and go. One time when he was drinking and driving, he fucking killed a kid. And you're like, oh, like. And so that's not even.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's one guy who's like, it's not bad. Yeah, I. I think you should. What I would do is to start off with, I would select like five people. I would not make it a super long thing.

[John Gabris]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

And choosing those people who your husband thinks is funny or fun or has a good relationship with, because maybe your co worker, who he low key, kind of hates going up there and saying, like, and what's the deal with adult acne? Get your shit together, man. Like, that could break his fucking heart, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the other thing is that roasts normally you open it up to roast other people too. Like, it's not just the one guy. And my guess is, even if your husband is comfortable with it, it's not going to be like. Like, let's have, you know, every. Everybody's a target here. So if you're going to do like the traditional deus, you know, which you kind of should. I would pick five people. I would let. I would ask them, are you cool also having jokes made at your expense? If they say, you know, you kind of have to put in some rules. You can go at my husband, you can go at me. You should kind of host the event. You can, you know, you can go at me and you can also. Sally's down, Trevor's down. But outside of that, let's be very careful with what we do. Otherwise you are going to be like, holy, what just happened back here?

[Jake Johnson]

And it's not like. It's not like all your friends are like shooters or anything like that. So you can tell them. You can say, like. And don't bring up like the low sperm motility.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Jake Johnson]

Sensitive about that. Like, you can leave like a few things off the table. Whereas if you tell Andrew Schultz that that's unfortunately what's gonna happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's gonna happen. Yeah, so I. And I think that's exactly right. I would be like, you know, his brother being sick, let's not do anything in that direction. You definitely cannot just wild west this.

[Jake Johnson]

His mom being one of the two girls, one cup. Like, just leave that out of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly. By the way, I'm Star.

[Jake Johnson]

Nice to meet you. You're surprisingly clean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll fly in for the event, to be honest with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, let's go roast the fuck out of this guy. You give us a dossier on your husband and $1,000.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, when is his birthday?

[Courtney]

It's not until July. So I'm giving myself plenty of time to plan and give the guests what I would do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would select the five. I would say you ask the five. Are you cool? Also having some fun poked in your direction. And I would give a list of topics you think will be very fertile and just be like, you can hit here, here, here, here, here. You can come at me with anything you want except for this. Make it a little organized so that it's all in good fun. And then you. Even during the event, if you wanted, you could be like, look, I pre selected these five people. Does anyone want to come up here and go a quick roast of him? You can maybe have like a wild card, but I don't think you could just set up like a microphone and be like, let's savage my husband. I just think it'll be chaos.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And you'll need to know, like, oh, my. Our cousin Bruce is the best at this. So he's got to go. Because if you leave it like open mic style, the last. The guy who goes last is the guy. And notice I am gendering these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

It is going to be absolutely men who ruin this experience for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. That's why I think. Give it, give it. Yes. Give it a running order to, like, any wedding you go to, people are like, I'm going to murder. And then you're like, boy, that was brutal. Like, people have confidence going into these things and then they get kind of in the moment and they just buckle. So select people. Five to six people. Give the list of things that could work and give a show order to. And it's honestly not crazy for you to even be like, can I see some of the jokes? Like, I, you know, give a little bit of shape to the event, otherwise it's not only going to come across chaotic. He could be like, that was brutal.

[Jake Johnson]

Good call on. Let me see some of the jokes. Because, Courtney, you don't want a bunch of repeats either.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because you got to think about the final edit of the episode of the. Of the roast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, how does that sound to you, Courtney? Does that feel like it. It kind of gives you a little more of a perspective on this. Yeah, it's good.

[Courtney]

I have a follow up question, though, because I actually think the problem is more so that, like, people would be hesitant to participate and go like, too soft. And I'm kind of wanting to, like, push people. Like, I would love to see his mom get up on Stage and like have some zinger about him. I just think that would be so hilarious. And also, like, I think my husband would enjoy that. So is there a way for the outside of the like five people I select that I think are most comfortable doing this sort of thing? Can we get everyone involved somehow? Even if it's just like writing something or saying one thing in front of everyone with some like, predetermined format, that can really get everyone involved because I'm kind of considering this their gift to him.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would watch some roasts because my gut is if you want his mother to do some jokes, write her some jokes. You know, write her some stuff that you think will work you. When you watch roast, they do have, like, if you set it up like a traditional roast, have five people sitting there, have him sitting in his own seat, you sort of host it, and then you can bring the mother out as a special guest before the end and maybe have some jokes for her to do. But I don't see a version where like people will be laughing and participating. I think if you open it up and go, hey, we're going to town hall it for a minute. So if anyone wants to come up here and say anything to my husband, let's go. But I don't think there's. I just think you need to produce it to some. These are heavily produced. Things like that seem very free and crazy, but they're heavily produced. The people write the jokes. There is a running order, it's heavily edited for obvious reasons. There are not a lot of repeat jokes, like John said. So I think you're gonna find it's a little less is more.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I remember I, I think, you know, if you have the one of your funnier friends or if it's even you, you know, write a few things for your mother in law and let her, you know, be like, would you be comfortable coming up and saying this? Because that you're right, that would be a showstopper. That's always going to, it's always going to crush. Whether she does it very well or kind of sweetly poor bad. It's going to work. And my thought, I remember what I. My train of thought was before time, when you start this roast versus when you let people start drinking very well as well. You do not want to have everyone over, get up and then the roast starts two hours after that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So true.

[Jake Johnson]

You need to get these people. Because when it all triggered me when Gareth said, like, you see people bomb at weddings. And I've seen it a lot. And like 50% of the time it's purely alcohol based. It's like a false sense of confidence comes with that. You forget kind of what you're going to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone just like talks about someone who, like, he slept with, and you're like.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I can't believe he hasn't posted pictures of your feet yet. You're like, what the fuck, man? Shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, I think that's right. And also, if there's some people who can't make it to the event, you can do some videos. You know, you could have someone send a video in or something like that. So you can.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Along the same lines, Courtney, if you. If that's too much production, you can. And you can deliver jokes. You could say, and your cousin make it. Wanted me to say, you know, or have. When you sit on a dollar, it makes four quarters bitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You can have a voice memo. You can could. You know, I think you can make. You can definitely include that. Like, it's not. Doesn't seem as structured as it actually is. But this thing could go on too long and people are going to start to be like, this is fucking boring. You leave on a high note. Is always the role of a comic. You've got to try to do that.

[Jake Johnson]

No one ever bitches that a comedy show is too short.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, yeah, you'd be so surprised at where the number is. Like, like, you could watch if you listed out your 10 favorite standup comics, gave them eight minutes each. At the eighth person, you'd be tired of stand up to completely. It's like just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is bangers.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I'm talking all bangers. Do you know who Paula Poundstone is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Killer. If you have never watched a woman in a suit roast cats, get involved. Okay, so what do you think of that, Court? Do you feel all right about this?

[Courtney]

Yeah. Yes, that makes sense. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is your opportunity to talk to a couple of comics. This is how we would do it. I think as you get closer to the event, you're going to be able to come up with some stuff. But, you know, make sure that you know who is okay getting roasted and then get some of the jokes in and start writing some jokes for the mother right now.

[Courtney]

Okay. Yep, that makes sense. Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let us know how it goes. And if you want, send us some of the jokes and we could take a look at it.

[Courtney]

That would be awesome. I'd appreciate that.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Courtney, good luck. I hope me and Gareth didn't completely talk you out of it. Although low key maybe. I hope we did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Remember, it's a roast, not a funeral. All right, Courtney, good luck.

[Courtney]

Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, talk to you later. Bye.

[Steve Berg]

We're Here to Help is hosted by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiyo, and our video editor is John de Bruyne.

[Steve Berg]

The theme song is made by Oliver Ross and you could check out his [e-mail] that's Oliver R A L L.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.com the album artwork is by James Fosdike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdike D I K e. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Additional artwork by Paddy Holland. You can find him on Instagram @pady holland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon. Com heretohelpod.

[Steve Berg]

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.

[John Gabris]

Com.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.