130: I'm a Dog, You're a Lady. Relax

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" Episode 130: "I'm a Dog, You're a Lady. Relax"

Release Date: November 11, 2024
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Producer: Kevin Bartelt
Guest: Oliver Raleigh

---

Introduction

In Episode 130 of "We're Here to Help," hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle two unique and entertaining listener dilemmas. From dealing with unexpected romantic attention directed at a pet dog to resolving a marital disagreement over their podcast's theme song, the duo navigates through humorous and heartfelt advice with the occasional expert input. Oliver Raleigh, the creator of the podcast's theme song, plays a pivotal role in settling a long-standing debate between a caller and her husband.

---

First Call: Valerie's Dog Attraction Dilemma

Timestamp: [04:38] - [16:55]

Caller: Valerie from Brooklyn

Issue: Valerie notices that many women are approaching her dog with what she perceives as lustful intentions. Instead of the usual compliments about her pet's cuteness, these interactions carry a "lusty type of energy," leaving her unsure how to respond appropriately.

Discussion Highlights:

• Valerie's Experiences:
  Valerie recounts instances at the dog park and the vet where women compared her dog's physique to that of a "sexy sports car," making her feel uncomfortable and uncertain about how to handle these interactions.

  Valerie: "I keep moving. But people have been coming at my dog with this, like, lusty type of energy that I really just don't know how to respond to me."
  [06:18]

• Hosts' Reactions:
  Jake and Gareth express surprise and amusement at the unusual nature of Valerie's problem, humorously debating whether it stems from the dog's appearance or possible underlying issues.

  Jamie Loftus: "Wait, is this real life? You feel like women are sexually attracted to your dog?"
  [06:24]

• Advice Given:
  The hosts brainstorm creative solutions to deter unwanted attention:

  1. Custom Dog Apparel:
     Suggesting shirts with messages like "I'm a dog, you're a lady. Relax" to clearly signal boundaries.

     Jamie Loftus: "How about a shirt that you wear that says stop staring at my dog. You're weird."
     [15:27]

  2. Behavioral Strategies:
     Playing loud, non-intrusive music at specific times to divert attention away from the dog.

     Gareth Reynolds: "Play 'Everybody's Working for the Weekend' on repeat."
     [15:02]

  3. Public Messaging:
     Creating a playful yet direct message throughyard signs to communicate discomfort with the attention.

     Gareth Reynolds: "You're a dog, you're a lady. Relax."
     [15:43]

Outcome:
Valerie embraces the idea of custom apparel for her dog, finding it a humorous and effective way to address the situation. The hosts agree to help by crafting the suggested shirts and request Valerie to provide feedback after implementing the solution.

---

Second Call: Valerie's Theme Song Disagreement

Timestamp: [23:25] - [33:22]

Issue: Valerie and her husband are embroiled in a year-long debate over whether the podcast's theme song, "We're Here to Help," contains actual lyrics or if Valerie's perception is the result of her imagination.

Discussion Highlights:

• Valerie's Perspective:
  Valerie firmly believes that the theme song has clear lyrics, specifically the phrase "We're here to help." Her husband argues that the catchy tune is causing her brain to insert words that aren't present in the music.

  Valerie: "I have been obsessed with your song, and I would sing it. We're here to help."
  [25:03]

• Hosts' Intervention:
  Oliver Raleigh joins the conversation to clarify the creation of the theme song, revealing that every word Valerie hears is indeed intentional and not a product of her imagination.

  Oliver Raleigh: "I fully said every single word and then made chords out of it. And then that's what you're hearing."
  [31:08]

• Emotional Undertones:
  The discussion touches on deeper relationship dynamics, with Valerie expressing feelings of being almost never right and bad at listening—traits she struggles with in her marriage.

  Valerie: "I'm hardly ever right. I'm hardly ever right and I'm a bad listener."
  [27:21]

• Resolution:
  Oliver provides a transparent explanation of the theme song's production, affirming Valerie's accuracy and ending the debate. Valerie appreciates the clarification, expressing relief and gratitude toward the hosts.

Notable Quotes:

• Oliver Raleigh: "Yes, this is something I've been thinking about a lot. Like, I almost don't want to answer, to be honest. Look, this is the thing. It's been like, it seems like it's been a hot debate amongst several couples."

  [26:00]

• Valerie: "I feel like he's so right, I've never related to a caller harder."

  [31:22]

• Oliver Raleigh: "This is fully worth it. You are right. And I want you to sit in that knowledge tonight and look at your husband knowing that you are right."

  [31:51]

Outcome:
The episode concludes with Valerie and her husband likely gaining a better understanding of the theme song's composition, thanks to Oliver Raleigh's disclosure. The hosts highlight the importance of clear communication and validate Valerie's perspective, strengthening the listener relationship.

---

Additional Content: Connor's Call and Parkanting

Timestamp: [38:05] - [61:42]

Caller: Connor from Grand Rapids, Michigan

Issue: Connor shares his ongoing challenges with neighbors, specifically his experience with his neighbor's daughter practicing the clarinet incessantly, disrupting his work-from-home routine. He also touches on issues with his neighbor's father, who has temper issues and monitors his property with multiple ring cameras.

Discussion Highlights:

• Neighborly Conflicts:
  Connor describes how the neighbor's daughter is repetitively practicing the clarinet, leading to noise disturbances. Additionally, tensions arise from the father's erratic behavior and surveillance practices.

  Connor: "She was just blowing air into the yard and there's nothing coming out of it."
  [40:15]

• Hosts' Advice:
  Gareth and the team offer creative yet tongue-in-cheek solutions to mitigate the disturbances:

  1. Fake Petitions:
     Creating a fabricated petition with fictitious signatures to protest the clarinet practice.

     Gareth Reynolds: "Make a sheet with 1 through 20... petition to stop your daughter playing clarinet in the yard."
     [49:45]

  2. Counter-Messaging:
     Utilizing humorous signs like "Stop Staring at My Dog" to diffuse unwanted attention.

     Jamie Loftus: "Shirt on the dog that says you're it. Your thoughts about me are weird."
     [15:36]

  3. Sound Warfare:
     Repeating disruptive music to compete with the clarinet noise, such as playing "Working for the Weekend."

     Gareth Reynolds: "Play 'Everybody's Working for the Weekend' on repeat."
     [15:02]

• Humorous Elements:
  The hosts engage in playful banter, suggesting over-the-top measures like dressing in disguises or using stinky distractions to deter the neighbor's activities.

  Gareth Reynolds: "Wear a Richard Nixon mask, and then just get back in the car."
  [50:48]

Notable Quotes:

• Connor: "It's a very dog coded for your daughter. But it's weird."

  [40:18]

• Gareth Reynolds: "If you're going to injure them with multiple ring cameras, you're just like, what is this?"

  [51:04]

• Jamie Loftus: "How about a shirt that you wear that says stop staring at my dog. You're weird."

  [15:27]

Outcome:
While the advice is delivered with humor and exaggeration, it underscores the importance of setting boundaries and addressing neighborly conflicts creatively. Connor is encouraged to consider passive-aggressive yet humorous tactics to alleviate his situation without escalating tensions further.

---

Conclusion

Episode 130 of "We're Here to Help" masterfully blends humor with genuine advice, addressing both lighthearted and more personal listener challenges. Valerie's unique situation with her dog and the subsequent marital debate over the theme song provide a mix of comedic and heartfelt moments, while Connor's neighborly woes add another layer of relatable content. The inclusion of Oliver Raleigh not only resolves a significant listener's dispute but also enriches the podcast's community feel. Overall, the episode reinforces the show's commitment to offering the best advice possible, no matter how unconventional the problems may be.

Notable Quotes:

• Valerie: "I'm a teacher. Well, the wrong teacher. Amazing."

  [29:02]

• Oliver Raleigh: "I never related to a caller harder."

  [31:22]

• Gareth Reynolds: "You are right. And I want you to sit in that knowledge tonight and look at your husband knowing that you are right."

  [31:39]

---

Disclaimer: All advice provided in this episode is for entertainment purposes only. Listeners should make their own decisions based on their unique circumstances.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kevin Bartelt]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back.

[Jamie Loftus]

Kevin, who has been a guest on this show that you thought just nailed the premise. We're not talking best, we're not talking funniest, but just like this very specific show, this specific thing who just came in and went like, that's right, that's their show.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Caller said, my husband wants to befriend a crow and I don't know what to do about. There's a lot of like weird. And we're just talking about animal stuff. But like, yeah, yeah, there's a lot of great. Just. I think what was so fun about, what has been so fun about this is in the early days as we've talked about people going like, I don't my help me through this divorce. And we're like, not the right show. And then there was a moment where you, you saw people go like, oh, I, I have like a weird pocket. And then we started to hit a really good groove that I think we've just been maintaining the whole time where.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'S like small town.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Here's my weird. I have two hairdressers and I need to break up with one of them. And it's like, let's go. Tell us every single detail. The Chicago rat hole problem people found like our weird groove and the quality.

[Jamie Loftus]

Show have been so fucking good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Like if you really look back at like, you know, the secret sauce, they're so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

The problems are so good, Kevin. You've done a heck of a job curing. But they're really funny. Like, looking, thinking about, like, when we'll text each other. Gareth. Every once in a while about something, it'll always go back to one of the callers. Something in there that you'll go like, that was a blast, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like, help. Helpful and legit. And we. We will, like. You will be like, yeah, you just be like, oh, man. They just fit in, I think. I don't know. I don't. I. It is very. It's a very strange thing with podcasts because it is, like, there is, like, that parasocial relationship, but I think on a show like this, it's so helpful. Because they get the vibe.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because they like the show, you know?

[Jamie Loftus]

So with that in mind, get ready for two new hilarious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two of our favorite calls. This first one, well, you're gonna need to hear it to believe.

[Jamie Loftus]

Without further ado.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hello, this is the shark.

[Marie]

Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, there. You're excited to talk to the shark.

[Jamie Loftus]

Shark. What happened?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I was expecting, like, a shark, and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like, hey, well, let's do another take.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, can we do take two from the top?

[Oliver Raleigh]

All right, Take two, caller.

[Marie]

Hello?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Valerie]

Hey, how's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Take three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whenever you're ready. Shark.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hello, this is the shark.

[Valerie]

Hey, how's it going?

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay, let's move it on. Can we get your name, where you're calling it from, and why you don't care about the shark?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What did the shark do to you?

[Valerie]

I'm sorry, I'm gonna go with Marie. I am 29 and based in Brooklyn.

[Jamie Loftus]

Great. What part of Brooklyn? I was just there. I was in dumb. You were in New York State.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Jamie Loftus]

Right near Albany. You can't call that Brooklyn, Bill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right near Brooklyn. What part of Brooklyn? Albany?

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. You're dancing around Troy, New York, calling it a burrow. I was in Dumbo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah, Albany.

[Jamie Loftus]

Where in Brooklyn are you?

[Valerie]

Bed Stuy.

[Jamie Loftus]

Ah. I used to live in Bed Stuy a long time ago. Bedside do or die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. One time I slept in a hotel, my eye wouldn't open. I got bed stuff. All right, Marias. I E. M A R I E. Whoa.

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm back. I died. I died. Yes. M A R, I E. Okay, so what can we do for you? This is the end of our day, so we're getting a little sloppy, but we're going to tighten up. We're going to lean and mean it just like the shark's.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Body.

[Jamie Loftus]

And we're going to see what happens. So what can we do for you today?

[Valerie]

So I have a dog, and he's a really cute dog, but I've noticed this very weird pattern of women, like, being attracted to him. Like, I feel like normally people come up to you and they're like, oh, cute dog. And you just say, yeah, thanks, And I keep moving. But people have been coming at my dog with this, like, lusty type of energy that I really just don't know how to respond to Me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Borrow your dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

Wait, is this real life? You feel like women are sexually attracted to your dog?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I have examples.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay, right.

[Valerie]

So there was this woman at the dog park. She used to trap me in conversation to go, like, on and on about how my dog was like a sexy sports car and I would have to, like, actively avoid her. And then I was at the vet, like, last week.

[Jamie Loftus]

Hold on. We just saw the dog. My fuck. Wow, that's a sexy dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a hot dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay, so, yeah, so. Okay, so now we see that animal. So one woman. Now what's your next example?

[Valerie]

So I was at the vet with him, and this is like the ER vet. So it's like, kind of scary. I'm a little stressed. But she kept, like, examining him, and then she would take a step back and pause and go, like, God, he's good looking. And then she went on and on about his muscle definition. And I just, like, didn't know. Like, what do I say in these weird moments?

[Jamie Loftus]

You know, this is weird stuff. This might be our weirdest setup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's very strange.

[Valerie]

I feel crazy being.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm gonna. Let me just. Out. We're looking at the dog. It's a cute dog. I'm with you, Gary, but it's not turning my crank. I'm not all of a sudden like, whoa, I bang dogs.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, it's a good look. It's an attractive dog. But they're going on about the musculature.

[Jamie Loftus]

I agree.

[Valerie]

It's a. Yeah, it's a good looking, muscular.

[Jamie Loftus]

It's a good. You said she.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He.

[Jamie Loftus]

He. Now, can I ask a question? I'm not proud to ask?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is one I was hoping you wouldn't, but go ahead.

[Jamie Loftus]

You know, we have to know how big. Got big balls, big dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's his deal down there?

[Jamie Loftus]

I mean, because there's certain.

[Valerie]

£60.

[Jamie Loftus]

No, I'm not talking about his weight. There are certain times you see a dog and it walks in front of you and you go, that's a big set of balls on that dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your dog Neutered.

[Valerie]

He's neutered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How's the penis?

[Valerie]

I don't know. I feel like he's, like, average.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got an average dog dick. Okay, great.

[Jamie Loftus]

No, but this is a serious question because we're trying to figure out why people are sexualizing your dog. So you're telling me it doesn't have big old droopy nuts and a big old red dick?

[Valerie]

No.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay. Of my memoir. Okay. Because the dog looks to me like a mix. I mean, what kind of dog is it? I see Rottweiler in there mixed with some maybe pit mix.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brad Pitt.

[Valerie]

Yeah, we're not really sure. Okay, I'm assuming, like Pritt Pitt, not Brad Pitt.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, but it's a real mix.

[Valerie]

Yeah, he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so, all right. Got the setup. And you feel like this has happened more than those two occasions, I'm guessing.

[Valerie]

Yeah, off and on. I feel like those are the most, like, egregious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But okay.

[Valerie]

No one ever says he's just cute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a wild setup. So just so we know, why don't you finish with the question, just so we know exactly what we're trying to do here.

[Valerie]

My question is, like, how do I respond to people when they say things like this? I feel like I just nervously laugh.

[Jamie Loftus]

Actually, I do have a pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's taken.

[Connor]

Okay.

[Jamie Loftus]

I would. I would make them feel uncomfortable with their question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's walk through it. Okay.

[Jamie Loftus]

Like, let's. Okay, you're the vet. What's the name of the dog again?

[Valerie]

We'll call him Max.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay, so I'm bringing Max in. Max ate something weird like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're doing a fake dog name. I just gotta say that.

[Jamie Loftus]

Totally.

[Valerie]

I don't want to embarrass his vet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, interesting. That's smart. Sure. Okay, so. So, I don't know, I feel like Max might have eaten something as his stomach's been a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, he just. He doesn't. He looks like he's in fine shape. I mean, honestly, he's just. He's such a well put together dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, he's a great looking animal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great muscle.

[Jamie Loftus]

I agree. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at him.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, well, he gets a lot of good walks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you can tell. But I mean, some of this is just genetic. I mean, he just has a very good body.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

I think he's very healthy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a very good spot.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, he's a healthy dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Such a good boy. He's such a good Boy?

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. He's a nice dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God, I love this dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

You love my dog? What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, I love all dogs, but you're. When you. When I know you're coming in, I'm extra excited.

[Jamie Loftus]

Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because I love. I love Max.

[Jamie Loftus]

But what do you love about Max?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That he's just such a good boy.

[Jamie Loftus]

He is a good dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a. He's a. My days are brighter when I see your dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's just well put together and I just.

[Jamie Loftus]

What does that mean? You keep talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like to be affectionate with him.

[Jamie Loftus]

You want to fuck my dog?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jamie Loftus]

You're trying to. You fucking my dog? Wait, what is the bestie thing? You fucking my wife? So here's where I would go with it. Their behavior is weird, so if somebody said. If I was with a kid and somebody said, that's a beautiful girl, you go like, thanks. And they go like. No, I mean really beautiful. My tone's changing right away. Yeah, I think you made it very clear what you said. Where are you going with this, you fucking banana? Ahead. You're talking about my dog Max.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

But if they're backing off and saying it's a good dog, fine. Now let's switch roles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Yeah. So, I don't know, he's just not sleeping through the night.

[Jamie Loftus]

He seems to be beautiful dog like that. I could maybe help him sleep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean?

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, you do a little cuddle and dump.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you say cuddling dump?

[Jamie Loftus]

A cuddle and dump. You do the. You know, you did cuddle. You spray some Beta in your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean? Are you talking about?

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm saying if sometimes it's good for an animal to unload their nut sack and then they pass right out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you really a vet? Me?

[Jamie Loftus]

No. I'm just hanging out in the subway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get out of here.

[Jamie Loftus]

A vet? What are you talking about? I fucked up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I served.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is fucking. All right, here's a pitch.

[Jamie Loftus]

This is hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's a pitch.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, people have the service animal signs they put on their dog.

[Jamie Loftus]

This is interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's also. My girlfriend always talks about this. I'll show. Like, she got me to do. She's like, before she passed, by the.

[Jamie Loftus]

Way, a huge moment. Gareth admitted on the radio he has a girlfriend, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're not on the radio.

[Jamie Loftus]

Grandpa, I want to fuck your dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. But she's always like, ask to pet the dog because you don't know what the Dog might be.

[Jamie Loftus]

You're totally right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Valerie]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So put a sign on the dog that suggest that like this dog is not for public petting. So that it kind of gives you the ability to avoid this dog bites. Not this dog bites, but you know, whatever. Hi, I'm Max. I'm sensitive.

[Jamie Loftus]

What about putting an ugly wig on it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, sure. Why would I finish my picture?

[Jamie Loftus]

No, but I hear what you're saying. The problem is it's their comments. Cause I get the grid in space. That's totally right. But you're entering a zone. If you go to like a dog park or a walk, you're also saying like you just random women might walk by and are lusting after your dog. But like how do we get people to not look at this woman's dog in a sexual way?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are we going to do? Fucking scar it? I mean there's not much we can really do. The dog is what the dog is.

[Jamie Loftus]

Fake mustache.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why, what's going on with you?

[Jamie Loftus]

Just get a bangs kill a lot of dogs like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you know, we don't want to make the dog ugly for you.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, how about this? How about a shirt that you wear that says stop staring at my dog. You're weird.

[Valerie]

I like that.

[Jamie Loftus]

Right, right.

[Valerie]

I would wear that.

[Jamie Loftus]

Right. Especially when if you're going to like a dog park or you're doing something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For it's targeted hits. It's the vet.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yes. My dog's not attracted to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How good is your vet? Real good?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I mean this is like a one time vet because it was the er.

[Jamie Loftus]

I gotcha. Okay, but when you're saying this happens, do you go to a dog park?

[Valerie]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

And at that dog park. I got a question for you. You said it was a very specific type of woman. Can you describe her?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's a dog and I'm crazy. She's a dog and I'm not allowed to go to her anymore.

[Jamie Loftus]

And I can understand dog's thoughts. Understood. We're gonna hang up the phone because she wanted to have sex toe she was a chihuahua.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This dog park is on the fourth floor of a building that I broke.

[Jamie Loftus]

Into and Max has been dead for two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Max isn't real. That's just the dog I googled and.

[Jamie Loftus]

I'm at the shark tank too. So can you describe because you said it's a certain type of lady who's sexually attracted to this dog and just so Gareth can spray beta later, can you describe what her vibe is?

[Valerie]

I feel like just like a classic like Brooklyn White Girl, you know, like.

[Jamie Loftus]

Millennial kind of hipstery tats. Cool.

[Connor]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

And do you think she's actually attracted or it's cool to talk about this dog in a certain way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, let's get the dog a shirt that says I bite millennials. And you put it on the dog when you're going to go to these.

[Jamie Loftus]

Big zones or lean in and have a little crop top shirt and goes, I know I'm hot, ladies, stop staring. Or my eyes are up here. Yeah. A shorts right near the nuts and says, my eyes are up here. Hipster and pointing to the eyes so that if a lady looks, you can go, like, I gotta say, it's a funny shirt. I think your dog's hot. You go, I know it's weird. Everybody does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate it. I mean, look, we're going aggressive, but you could send the message out a.

[Jamie Loftus]

Shirt on the dog that says you're it. Your thoughts about me are weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jamie Loftus]

And somebody goes like that dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a dog, you're a lady.

[Jamie Loftus]

Slow down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, relax, relax.

[Valerie]

I like that.

[Jamie Loftus]

What do you think about this?

[Valerie]

I'm a dog or a lady relaxed.

[Jamie Loftus]

By the way, that's title.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the title.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's the title. But what do you think about a dog shirt that you have that and it's on the dog's back, so when people look, they see it. It goes, I'm a dog, you're a lady. Relax. That's making it very clear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, we're being aggressive.

[Jamie Loftus]

You're getting turned down by me and I'm just a dog and you're a lady and you need to relax. What is your gut feeling? Are you actually going to do this?

[Valerie]

I would actually do that.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay.

[Valerie]

I need to find a place to make it, but I'm like, excited about this idea.

[Jamie Loftus]

Can we make it?

[Oliver Raleigh]

We're 30ft away from an embroidery studio.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We got your back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We can make literally in the dogs.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, we will. We will make this to you and send it to you. But then the. What you have to do for us though, is put it on the dog and take photos at a dog park.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Film at the dog park, film running around and see if you can get any reaction.

[Jamie Loftus]

Will you send us a video at the dog park with the shirt and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let us know if we've curbed this?

[Valerie]

Yes, absolutely.

[Jamie Loftus]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Feel good?

[Valerie]

Yeah, I feel great. Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think it's a win. I think we're going to be ringing the bell at the end of this.

[Jamie Loftus]

All right, well, we appreciate the call. We're going to send you the shirt. And thanks, Marie. This is going to be a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going to be great.

[Valerie]

Well, thanks so much, you guys.

[Jamie Loftus]

Okay, thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks. And we are brought to you by Philo. Listen, Philo's got current seasons of shows that I can't miss. We can't miss. We watch TV together live on Netflix networks like A&E. MTV, Discovery and TLC. You've got the classics. The Office, Martin, Friends. What did I say? The classics. I'm not lying. Shows you can watch over and over again. Originals on AMC, Mad Men, Orphan Black. It's also got 75,000 movies and shows. That is the rest of your life's viewing pleasure right there. All right, you can rewatch it over and over again. And look, I've said it before. Jake and I. Jake and I will text about some of the shows that maybe aren't as mainstream. We have a lot of those in common. One of those is Love after Lockup or Life After Lockup. This show is something you should really get involved in. It's a very bingeable show and it is available here, so. But also Jersey Shore family vacation, Catfish. Honestly, the re. One of the reasons Jake and I were able to start this show was because of Jake's love of catfish. So Golden Girls, best pilot ever made. You can go watch all these shows, so do it.

[Jamie Loftus]

Best of all, with Philo, you get all this for just 28 bucks a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Philo TV and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's Philo P H I L O TV to start watching. This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is the app that helps you get rid of unwanted subscriptions that you're paying for and you no longer need. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. See all your subscriptions in one place and know exactly where your money is going for any you don't want anymore. Rocket Money can help you cancel with just a few taps. Rocket Money's dashboard gives you a clear view of your expenses across all of your accounts. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they're using all the app's features.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop wasting money on things you don't Use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocket money.com help. That's rocket money.com help. Rocket money.com help.

[Valerie]

Help, help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace. Listen, we're here to solve problems and Squarespace helps us. The problem solvers also solve problems. Despite being really easy to use and very user friendly. Despite the fact that Kevin and I both have our personal websites used by the Squarespace template. Again, makes it look very professional. We also have Squarespace step in like a great bench player on the here to help basketball team. I'm pushing it. They have helped us make websites for problems that we needed to solve. When people need something to promote them or corroborate a fib because look, sometimes you got to get in the dirt. You got to muck it up a little bit. Squarespace helps us with that.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It is shocking how many problems you can solve with a convincing website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we honestly, dare I call it a crutch eventually, because you would go like, we could just make you a website and we would just make them a website. Yeah, I mean it, it really is. You could make it for whatever, but also your business. It doesn't always have to be for nefarious activities. They have design, intelligence, Squarespace payments connect social and multimedia accounts, invoicing, you could sell your content, SEO tools. Truly, the list goes on and on. We love Squarespace. Squarespace loves us. I've been told. I haven't actually had contact with them. They don't return emails. Some of them bounce back, which is funny. But. Join the Squarespace movement people.

[Jamie Loftus]

Head to squarespace.com Gill sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code GIL.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Listen, you want to spark something uncommon this holiday season, do it with the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Now, if you haven't finished your holiday shopping yet, do not lose your mind. Don't go running into the streets, breaking windows and just punching strangers and things like that. Just go to uncommongoods.com they have tons of amazing products from there. I'm not going to lie. I got a sweater with dogs on it. But they have so much more stuff. You can go there and you could just. It really is an amazing place to source a bunch of things. It feels like you're going through Indiana Jones's library. There's just tons of things and you're supporting small independent businesses. When you go to uncommongoods.com Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So don't wait around and be like, oh, come back tomorrow and get it now. Uncommon Goods looks for their products. Then make sure they're high quality, unique, handmade, made in the usa. They have the most meaningful out of the ordinary gifts anywhere. Whether it's the holiday host or hostesses gifts or cool finds for kids like Kevin has five Kids or hits for book lovers, die hard sports fans, whatever it is, go to uncommongoods.com and with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date. Mom, are you there? Yes, I'm doing an ad for Uncommon Goods. Do you like their products? I'll call you back. So go to uncommongoods.com do it.

[Jamie Loftus]

To get 15% off of your next gift, go to uncommongoods.Com heretohelp that's uncommongoods.com heretohelp for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods. We're all out of the order.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Jamie Loftus]

Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[Marie]

My name is Valerie.

[Jamie Loftus]

Valerie. Where are you calling from, Valerie?

[Marie]

I'm calling from central Wisconsin.

[Jamie Loftus]

Central.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Whereabout?

[Marie]

About Wausau area.

[Oliver Raleigh]

All right, cool.

[Jamie Loftus]

Do you know that Kevin, you seem to lose confidence.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I only know Madison and Milwaukee, so if you said anything else, I clammed up, which I did.

[Jamie Loftus]

You did the best. Clam up, though. You go, oh, yeah? Which part? And then you went, oh, that's really cool.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And what's your question today?

[Jamie Loftus]

So, Valerie, we are. We are without Gareth. He's performing standup in Alaska right now. But we've got an old buddy of mine who is an absolute killer, who I love, Mr. Oliver Raleigh.

[H]

Hey, Valerie, how you doing? What's up?

[Marie]

Hi. Great. I'm great.

[Jamie Loftus]

So you got Oliver, you got the shark, you got myself. You are from central Wisconsin, and the shark doesn't know which part that is. What can we do for you today?

[Marie]

All right, so this actually started when your podcast came out, and my husband and I have a disagreement about your theme song. One Year song. One Year podcast first came out. Okay. I was obsessed with your song, and I would sing it. We're here to help. And my husband said that, no, there. There's no words. There's no words in that song. And I'm like, well, yeah, there are. He goes, no, your. Your brain's inserting the words like, we're here to help because it's so catchy. I Know, there's words. So we have been going on and off about this for over a year now. So can you please help settle our disagreement?

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, you, Kevin, has done some good producing on this one because my dear friend Oliver Raleigh is the man who wrote and made our theme song.

[H]

That's right.

[Marie]

Oh, really?

[H]

Yes.

[Marie]

Oh, Kevin, you're amazing.

[Jamie Loftus]

So I'll.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Thank you.

[Jamie Loftus]

So, Oliver, take it away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't.

[H]

So this is. Now this is something I've been thinking about a lot. Like, I almost don't want to answer, to be honest. Look, this is the thing. It's been like. It seems like it's been a hot debate amongst several couples.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We get this question a lot.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yeah, but you can't. Yes, we get a lot of emails about this. But, Oliver, you could say what your intention was and what you did and people could still have their kind of POV on.

[H]

I mean, I don't know. I just. I love that people are debating it. I feel almost sad to put it to bed, to be honest.

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, I'm gonna. I'm gonna. If you don't.

[Kevin Bartelt]

No, no, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what?

[Marie]

I don't want to. I don't wanna ruin the magic for anyone. This is not like a marriage ending argument. So if we wanna keep the mystery out there, like, feel free.

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, I've got a question.

[Marie]

Pleasure calling in. Yeah, what's up?

[Jamie Loftus]

Well, hold on, Valerie, because you're a very sweet person, but you called in with a problem. And the premise of this show is that we try to help the callers, not we decide if we want to help the call.

[H]

But here's the thing. Valerie's talking about magic, right? Isn't that almost helping to, like, let the magic continue to go? Like, come on. Like every relationship, long term, marriages, relationships, they need that spark. What happens if this song is that spark? If it's never settled?

[Jamie Loftus]

Does this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Val.

[Jamie Loftus]

Go ahead, Valerie.

[Marie]

Well, here's the thing. So I'm hardly ever right. I'm hardly ever right and I'm a bad listener. So I emailed like over a year ago, I emailed like, maybe I am right. Wouldn't that be so cool that I would be right for a while?

[Jamie Loftus]

But hold on, Valerie. And what do you think? Do you think there's lyrics or no lyrics? I forgot the beginning.

[Marie]

I really think there's lyrics.

[Jamie Loftus]

And what lyrics do you. Yeah, and what lyrics do you think you're hearing with that theme song?

[Marie]

Ooh, we're here to help. But I hear we're here to help. We're Here to help.

[H]

I don't know why this just tugs on my heart strings, you know, like you. You saying that you're never right.

[Jamie Loftus]

That just.

[H]

I think that broke my heart a little bit. Like, it just shattered, so I feel.

[Jamie Loftus]

Like she also said something funny, though, Oliver. She said, I'm never right and I'm a bad listener.

[H]

Maybe you'll forget this.

[Jamie Loftus]

That's an amazing trait to lead out with of, like, just so you guys know things about me. I'm 5 10. I'm never right. I'm a very bad listener.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I've never related to a caller harder.

[Jamie Loftus]

Than I am, by the way, same. I'm never right and I'm bad. Basically saying I'm never right and I'm bad at learning. I'm never right. I'm a bad listener is how I felt through school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, me too.

[Marie]

Well, here's the funny thing. I'm a teacher.

[Jamie Loftus]

Oh, my God.

[H]

Oh, my God. The wrong teacher. Amazing.

[Marie]

The wrong funniest part. Do you want to hear the kicker? So my husband is. So I teach special ed, and my husband is actually my special ed assistant. So I'm his boss at school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, that rules.

[Jamie Loftus]

That rules. And are you a nice boss?

[Marie]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. A little snappy. And, like, he's my safe place. So I have to, you know, rein it in at work, you know, and it's hard because at work, too, you know, he's mostly right at work, too. So maybe I do hear something. Yeah, what's up?

[Jamie Loftus]

So you hear. This is interesting. So now we're gonna actually go to Oliver on this one because he is the guy who wrote the song. He performed it. We didn't really have any notes. I just. I asked him. He's a. He's a great musician. And we were putting this show together. We needed a theme, so I asked him, and he sent us this, and we put it on, and people have really liked it. We've gotten a ton of emails about this. There's also people who hear with Gareth and Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jamie Loftus]

Like, somebody has broke down the whole thing. Oliver, you don't have the ability to play the song, do you?

[H]

I don't.

[Jamie Loftus]

Because you don't have the thing, right?

[H]

No, I don't have. I couldn't play it back. I recorded it, but I have this. All right, so this is. I'm settling it now.

[Jamie Loftus]

Yes.

[H]

Valerie, right? This. Yeah, this. Okay. So you're. You are correct. You are right. Your husband is wrong, wrong, wrong. Your husband is so wrong. All right. You are so right. And I Hope you hear this and I hope you listen. I recorded this song on something called a Casio SK1. It's this old toy keyboard from the 80s and it's a sampler keyboard. So I recorded my voice saying like, we're. And then I recorded Here to Help. And then with. With Gareth and Jake, I recorded all that. And then I basically played it on the keyboard and that's it.

[Jamie Loftus]

So you are correct.

[H]

I fully. I said every single word and then made chords out of it. And then that's what you're hearing. Just everything was recorded exclusively on this little toy keyboard.

[Jamie Loftus]

Amazing. Wow.

[Marie]

You are amazing. Like, oh, my gosh, you're so talented. Ale.

[Jamie Loftus]

Thanks.

[H]

That's like. That was like an hour of me goofing off. But I appreciate it.

[Connor]

I. Oh, my God.

[Marie]

It's amazing. It's amazing. And I just. Thank you very much for settling this. And I feel bad that you had to, you know, tell us your musician secrets, but thank you. I appreciate it.

[H]

Yeah, it was worth it. It was fully worth it. You are right. And I want you to sit in that knowledge tonight and look at your husband knowing that you are right. You were correct.

[Jamie Loftus]

Now, here's the question. Do you tell him or do you just know that you're right and he's wrong? Where is the power here, Valerie? Or do you wait and listen to this episode together with him and then you go like, oh, Valerie, what if we do this? Do not tell him. We'll email you before we do it. Yep. And then just listen together.

[Connor]

Yes.

[Marie]

Because we. I play the podcast on our way to work because we have a half an hour commute, so we listen to you like twice a day.

[Connor]

Yes.

[Marie]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh, that will be crazy.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'll email you the night before when the episode drops so you know when it's coming out.

[Marie]

Thank you, Kevin. You're amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wonderful.

[Jamie Loftus]

We appreciate you and thank you for what you do.

[Connor]

Oh, my gosh.

[Marie]

Thank you so much, all three of you. And Gareth, come on. You dropped the ball, good buddy.

[Jamie Loftus]

Not his fault. Not his fault. He would love to be here.

[Marie]

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much, guys. You made my whole entire week. Year. Whatever.

[Jamie Loftus]

Thank you for calling.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Thanks, Valerie.

[Marie]

All right, thanks.

[Jamie Loftus]

Bye. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. To get started, go to mint mobile.com heretohelp there. You'll see that right now, all three month plans are only $15 a month, including the unlimited plan. All plans come with high speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all your existing contacts. Find out just how easy it is to switch to Mint mobile and get three months of your premium wireless service for just 15 bucks a month.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get this new customer offer and your three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.com heretohelp that's mint mobile.com heretohelp Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com here to help. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to 15amonth new customers on first three month plan only speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details. And we're brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. Dollar Shave Club offers shave and grooming products that are always high quality but never overpriced. Listen, I have been using Dollar Shave Club razors for a long time. They have wet shave products. Truly flip the script on how we shave. It's so much easier now. They have things like the Club Series 6 Blade Razor. It's just a perfect shave. You look at me, I've got a beard but I trim around. Don't tell anybody. Six stainless steel blades and it's the closest and most comfortable shave imaginable. There's the diamond grip handles, heavy metal handles. That one's worth the weight. Shave butter. I know what you're saying. I've been putting that on my popcorn. You're doing it all wrong. You put it on your face. And there's also post shave do. Okay, they have a double headed electric trimmer. There's style detailer precision trimmer for everything. Personal care for dudes. So do us a favor and join up with the Dollar Shave Club.

[Jamie Loftus]

Don't take our word for it. Try for yourself. You can visit their site right now for 20% off of $20 or more and get your products delivered right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com heretohelp and use promo code heretohelp for 20% off. $20 or more. This episode is brought to you by maybe my favorite. Yeah, my favorite tasting sponsor, Hero Bread. Hero Bread is the bread you love without the carbs. Just because it's summer doesn't mean you have to cut out all the carb heavy foods you love. And it's not summer. It's near Thanksgiving. So what are your favorite hero products? Mine are just the regular sliced bread. I like the tortillas I like the Hawaiian rolls. I am an everyday eater of hero bread because being from the Chicagoland area. Kevin.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We are sandwich guys, had BLTs over the weekend with Herobrad. They were delicious. A friend was with us and even called out, this bread's good.

[Jamie Loftus]

And you don't. And you don't feel guilty?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope. So keep the carbs out of this season without compromising flavor. With Hero Bread, get 10% off your order at Hero Co and use code help at checkout. That's help at H E R O. Dell Technologies Cyber Monday event is live. And if you've been waiting for an AI ready PC, this is their biggest sale of the year. Tech enthusiasts love this sale because it's all the newest hits, plus all the greatest hits, all on sale at once. Savings on Dell technologies. Most popular PCs that accelerate AI with Intel Core Ultra processors are here, like the XPS 16. So if you're ready to step up all things you like to do, streaming, surfing, multitasking, whatever, Dell Technologies AI Ready PCs are the perfect upgrade. And for the best of Intel Core Ultra processors, look for Intel Evo Edition laptops engineered to do it all. Just visit Dell.com deals whether you're treating yourself or thinking of others, these Cyber Monday prices were worth the wait. But it's only here for a limited time. Shop now at Dell.

[Connor]

Hello?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Take it away, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well, we. We know there's two calls. I'll just get into it. Welcome to We're Here to Help. It's America's number one podcast. Listen, you're on with Shark with Gareth. There's no Jake, but in his stead, we have the great Jamie Loftus, who has her own podcast. Six, 16 minutes of fame, but 16th minute of fame. 16th minute of fame. I'm a father. So who are you? Where are you calling from? And at some point, who the hell is the second person?

[Oliver Raleigh]

We'll get to that later. Don't worry about that, Gary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Okay, tell us what's going on then. Just one caller. Even though I see the second call and I'm like, yeah, it's just crazy. It's taunting. All right, who are you? Where are you going from?

[I]

I'm pinning.

[Connor]

I know who it is, so that's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But stop rubbing goddamn fate. Go ahead.

[Connor]

Oh, no. So my name is Haley.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi.

[Connor]

I am 27 and I am from Grand Rapids, Michigan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great spot. Okay. And what can we help you with? Haley?

[Connor]

Yeah. Yes. So my problem, I have these neighbors. They have three daughters that live there. They're a rental and I like, me and my husband, like, own our house, so there's that context.

[I]

Sorry, you mean the person house at 27? Congratulations.

[Connor]

Oh, thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do you own a house at 27?

[Connor]

Oh, no, this is not, this is not what I was calling about. But yes, I do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's calling a brag. Hang up. All right. Okay, so keep going.

[Connor]

Yeah, so there's that. Maybe that's the fun fact that Jake would have asked. Okay, okay, so I did. Neighbors. And they have three daughters. I've met them slightly, not much. And the oldest daughter is, I think in fifth grade. And a few weeks ago she came home with a clarinet. And I saw her in her backyard and she was just blowing air in the yard. But in the yard they sent her.

[I]

Outside like a cocker spaniel to play the clarinet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh. For them it's a great move, but. Well, for you it's awful.

[Connor]

Yeah, we're getting there, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Connor]

So. So I see her the first day just blowing air into it and there's nothing coming out of it. And I'm like, okay. And then it took, it took a day to process, like, oh, no, like, she has a clarinet. So now, now it's been a couple weeks and I kid you not, every single day at around like 3:30 when she gets home from school, I'm pretty sure her parents sent her outside to like play, to practice.

[I]

This is very dog coded for your daughter. But it's weird.

[Connor]

I. I don't, I don't have kids, so I don't. I don't know. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We own a house. You may as well.

[I]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bragging about how good things are for you. Okay.

[Connor]

No, no, no, no, no. Okay. So since she's just beginning, she's just, you know, really out of tune, can't play proper notes. She's outside for like maybe an hour to an hour and a half. And you know, she's just kind of like fighting for a melody that just isn't happening. And she's bad. Here's the thing. I'm pretty sure her parents make her play outside because they don't want to hear it. Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Connor]

But then I live in the city, so, like, none of us want to hear either. And we have very close proximity neighbors. My one thing too is that we had an issue with the dad a few months ago and so I, I'm not. Oh, no, we. So we have two dogs. Or we. Like, we, we had two dogs and one of them we were working with from like a Adoptive foster. Anyway, he had some. Some temper issues and, like, lashed, like, barked at the dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great wrinkle with this solution.

[I]

Okay, so the father's angry and sending his daughter outside. I think you should teach your dog how to play the clarinet for revenge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sell the house, Haley.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I have to play the video you sent Haley just to set this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we got a video.

[Connor]

It's so good. So good.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is like, someone snake charming.

[Oliver Raleigh]

There is a girl in the backyard by herself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[I]

This kid does not want to be playing the clarinet.

[Connor]

I was like, I don't think she's taking it very seriously. But it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why. Seeing that, it made me sad.

[I]

That that is just, like. It is a bummer. And I feel bad for the kid. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, too. That's what I feel. I feel bad for the daughter, I mean, because she's horrible at it. Let's be honest.

[I]

But it doesn't seem like she really cares. I mean, did anyone play an instrument? Because I was made to play the oboe for nine years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oboe.

[I]

Oboe. Which I think is the only instrument that's harder to listen to when you're really bad at it than the clarinet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And where did your parents banish you two?

[I]

Well, I. They. They made me stay in the house. They did not send me out to the yard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[I]

To play the oboe. They at least committed to suffering through it if they were going to make me do it, which I feel like is sort of the unspoken contract. My immediate suggestion is to somehow let the parents know that this is not going to get their kid a scholarship to college like they think. But we got this dad with zero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The dad with the temper issues. May. It puts you in a tougher spot.

[I]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I have to jump in as producer. Haley did a great job setting the scene. We have a little bit of a ringer who will be interesting for Jamie, who is not familiar with this person. But often when we have calls about neighborly or roommate disputes, we have a young man who has been extremely helpful. Second caller, would you like to introduce yourself to Jamie and say hi to everybody?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know.

[J]

Hi, my name's Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Connor.

[Connor]

Connor.

[J]

Hi, Gary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, guys. Hi, buddy. Holy shit. Okay. All right, Jamie, hold on. Connor, let.

[I]

Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it feels like. It feels like a party where, like. Yeah, a lot of people are like, Jamie. So Connor is a guy who moved to Florida. I don't remember why. It doesn't matter. He's pursuing his dreams. He's a young buck. He ended up booking Airbnbs with really old people over and over again. And he kept getting himself in the weirdest situations, weirdest predicaments with these old people where they would have to, like. Like, one of them would take over the common area. People, I think, were eating your food. There were bathroom issues. Right, Connor? Yeah.

[J]

You're hitting all the big ones. Yeah, there was always, like. It was really just like what was going to happen each day, Walking into the place. You never know.

[I]

Thrilling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a. It was. And now, Connor, you. Am I wrong? You don't live with anyone who's crazy and old right now.

[J]

Not crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Good for you. All right, well, Connor, you didn't call for us to solve your problem. Living with a crazy person. You're here to help Haley. You heard all of her issue. Yeah.

[J]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, Haley.

[Connor]

Oh, I have one more thing to add. So, yes, we have, like, a little small tiff with the dad. A few months ago, I. For my job, I work from home. So it's like, almost on the time. Like, I'm sitting at home and I'm working, and I hear the neighbor. I hear the young child, the young girl outside, and she is off and away. And it's. You know, at that point, it's hard to focus. Right. To work, to keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're working when she comes home, what do you do for work?

[Connor]

I work in lessons.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Marketing.

[Connor]

Yeah, I work in. Yeah, marketing. I think I'll keep it there. I work in marketing so I can do my work online.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But making good money. Connor, I don't know if you heard. She owns a house. She won't stop talking about it.

[I]

No, only 27. Con.

[Gareth Reynolds]

27. Connor. Connor, how old are you?

[J]

24.

[Gareth Reynolds]

24. So in three years. Yeah, you got a couple years, but judging from your recent living situations, I don't think you're close.

[I]

I think you can turn it around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Haley, could Connor live with you? Okay. All right. So we've got the lay of the land. You've got this issue. You've got this child who seems sweet, who doesn't seem that into the clarinet. Being banished to the yard where she has to play the clarinet. Father. Probable temper issues. It's still not your problem. And. And we have to figure out a way to make this better. Jamie, tell me if you have anything. Connor, say if you have anything. If not, I'll go with my first pitch.

[I]

Yeah, I mean, I really. There's, like, pragmatic solutions, and then there's ones that kind of require you going a little Rogue. I agree. The dad is the X factor here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dad's a problem.

[I]

We don't want to aggravate the dad. I do feel like, you know, drop in a little, like, oh, yeah, I played whatever when I was a kid and I thought I would get me, you know, a scholarship, and it didn't. I just wasted my life and annoyed my family for years, and our relationship suffered as a result. Or if you wanted to go rogue, you could just tell the kid that the clarinet is really uncool and they look uncool playing it. And then they would almost certainly stop practicing, because that was my experience, too. Someone was like, oboe players suck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You look bad.

[I]

And so I just stopped practicing and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never got good, first of all. And now you know that person was just lying to you because we all know how cool an oboe player looks.

[I]

Everyone loves the little face. Everyone double read embouchure. Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, a double read em is key.

[I]

It's cute.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so important. Connor, jump in if you have anything. I'm going to hit you with a few options right off the bat. Okay, I'm ready. Well, let me ask you this first. How many neighbors are there around you who probably are also suffering through this?

[Connor]

So our backyard back up to, like, an alley, and then, you know, that's a shared alley with, like, the people. Other people's backyards across from us. So. And, like, when I say I live in the city, I mean, like, I live in. In the city. So, like, there's just a lot of neighbors. There's people walking their dogs nearby. There's people out. There's other kids playing outside. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. This changes my pitch. I'm going now with a new pitch, and I'm calling this Fitch. This Fitch pitch. Fake petition. We're calling it fake petition. What you're going to do is you're going to make a sheet with 1 through 20. You're going to put names, dates, and signatures, and you're just going to invent a bunch of fake names and signatures. And the front page of the petition is going to say, petition to stop your daughter playing clarinet in the yard. Where it's bothering all of us, which you're just going to leave that on.

[I]

The porch, which is a turbo version of telling the daughter the clarinet is uncool. It's. Yeah, we're so uncool that everyone's organized against it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But this is a parenting issue. Like, this daughter is not like, let me go to the yard and play my clarinet. Like, there's a lot of Parental influence on this. But honestly, even if it is the kid's choice, it is like they're, you know, there is, like, noise, crosses, fences. So she's. It. It's. You know, it's bothersome again.

[Jamie Loftus]

Even.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, if she was good, it still would suck. But she's horrible. And by the way, she's taking a lot of breaks from what I saw. A lot of clarinet breaks. So I think leave a fake petition on the porch and make up all the names of the people signing them. Doesn't matter. Oh, and this is where you're not implicating any neighbors, but just sneakily do that at night or what? You know, whenever you can. Yeah. In the dark of night. Like thieves in the night. And.

[I]

And what if they have a ring? What if they have a ring?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rip it off the wall. How bad?

[I]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to under.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna stab the dad.

[Connor]

Oh, gosh. I kid you not. I. I'm not making this up. This neighbor. Yeah, the dad. I don't know. I don't know what's up. But they have, like. They have, like, four ring cameras that point to, like, every corner of their house.

[I]

It's always the people that are menacing themselves with the multiple ring. You're just like, what is this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's Haley.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Did you say you live in Michigan?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Grand Rapids.

[Connor]

I do. Yes.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Some of the names you could say on that petition are Ralph Schiano, Jocelyn Langworthy, Jack Walter, Sharon Orm, and those are a few of the members of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra's clarinet player, specifically.

[I]

Whoa. You could do a list of personal vendetta.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, if the dad's looking up the names. I mean, you a guy with four ring cameras, who then is going to be like, the symphony signed a petition at my. Like, he's going to be cork boarding with yarn so hard. Right, Connor, what would you go with?

[J]

I don't know. I feel like he sees a petition. He's just going to have the kids start playing more instruments out in the yard. Like, you don't like this. Well, here, I got this for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it didn't get much worse from what I heard. I would assume the dropping off the petition is difficult. There's no doubt you might. I don't have a pitch on that just yet. And. Except just wear a disguise and drive up, Wear a disguise, put it there. You know, wear a Richard Nixon mask, and then just get back in the car and take it off as soon as you're out of shot. My other option for a pitch would be this. And. But the problem with this one is this does. This is more direct. This is more you. It's shot across the bow. Every time the daughter goes in the yard to play the clarinet, you get a Bluetooth speaker out there and you play Everybody's working for the weekend on repeat.

[I]

That's good, that. Yeah, fighting. Fighting fire with fire could work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what you could also do if you wanted to drop the petition off, have a friend of yours do it. Just be like, do me a favor. I'm going to give you this envelope, drive up there and just drop it off whenever you can and take off.

[I]

And then leave a boob box that is blaring. Working for the weekend instead of ringing the doorbell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Working for the weekend is a must, without question.

[I]

Yeah, you've got it. You've really got to choose something that's going to pierce through the clarinet sound. Would you draw. Would you drop it off while she's playing or. It really would have to be at night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would do it when there's. I would.

[Connor]

I would not do the daytime.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would not do it daytime. I would get a friend of yours. I'm genuine. I'm serious. I have yours to do it. Another thing you could do is you could. You know how everyone's got those political yard signs now that are definitely changing people's minds? You could have one of those made that just says, stop playing the yard. Stop playing the clarinet in the yard. 2024. 2024. And just pop a few of those in a few yards around that area so that it's a little, like, subtle.

[I]

Clear who did it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So that way it's like, not clear. It's you, but it's like a campaign surrounding their house. You know, they'll be like, oh, Harris waltz. What the. What? Wait, what? Stop the clarinet. 2024. Not for the yard. Something like that. Those. I don't know if. Connor, you got anything to add to this?

[J]

Is there a chance. If we're going in a direct approach, is there a chance you'd pick the oboe back up again? And every time she goes out with a clarinet, you fight fire. You play.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jamie played the oboe.

[I]

Yeah. I mean, I guess I could fly in. I'm not necessarily welcome in Michigan.

[J]

Would you like to go to Michigan?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The opposite of an American Idol statement. Jamie, would you like to go to Michigan?

[I]

Los Angeles to Michigan?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Connor]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Haley, what do you think so far? I mean, how are you?

[I]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard.

[Connor]

Yes. A petition does Sound scary. It is more likely that I would have a friend drop it off than me. I do not want to be on that Mandarin cameras completely for a friend.

[I]

Who like, lives nowhere nearby for their own safety.

[Connor]

So the sign, the yard sign is a wild idea. So. And that's funny, I don't know if I have like the money to like get 50 of them and do that or where I would do that.

[I]

You had house money. Haley, let's just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Haley, Haley, you're a homeowner at 27.

[Connor]

I'll just sell my house and buy these signs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Haley, you've got this.

[Connor]

No, but I also. I don't know. I also don't mind the passive aggressive. I'll just play louder music.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, great. I like the thought of putting something in your yard to distract the kid. Jamie, A pitch that we often suggest is called Parmesan ing the ground or the floor. Rather putting some sort of odorous thing, distracting thing on the ground.

[I]

Okay. On the clarinet, stinky. A stinky distraction.

[Oliver Raleigh]

A stinky distraction. Probably not on her clarinet, but something nearby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you do it on the lawn. She's sitting on the yard. We. You Parmesan the lawn.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, Parmesan the lawn. Or. Or put Parmesan on a tarp on your lawn that conveniently comes out around water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just spray a bunch of water in the yard before she comes home. Flood the lawn. Yeah, but I also. I also think if you're down to play the music, it kind of will do two things. One, if you put on music you like, it's not going to bother you that you're not going to hear it. It also sends a message out there that, look, if you want to fight a war, if you want to fight a sound battle, let's go. But again, you are. Now it's. You're putting the black flag in there, Sam. So you are definitely saying this is.

[I]

I. Did spongebob ever do anything about Squidward's clarinet playing? Is there something we can pull from his lived experience?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Connor, you want to answer that one, buddy?

[J]

Spongebob loved the clarinet in a way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[I]

I feel like spongebob really tolerated the. So Squidward, I guess just lucked out. But you have like a child Squidward.

[Connor]

I. Spongebob. I guess you have to.

[I]

Yeah, I think if you could consult with. With spongebob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[I]

I don't think spongebob ever really retaliated about the clarinet, unfortunately. So that might be a non starter. Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once he hears a waiting 25 years, he'll call in.

[I]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's biting his tie. All right, so. Well, Haley, how do you feel about that? You feel good about that? I mean, obviously we want to know what the hell ends up happening with this, because it is very strange. But it seems like if you're comfortable just kind of going at him with a sound cannon, that's probably the best move.

[Connor]

Yeah, I think. Yeah, I will. I'll sit on the petition idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll.

[Connor]

We'll see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not going to be able to do. You're not going to be able to do petition after you do the music.

[Connor]

Well, if my friend drops it off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. But now you're saying, hey, I hate this situation.

[I]

And then sound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You're the face of the movement.

[I]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you understand.

[Connor]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just talk to Connor. You know, do you think other people.

[J]

Would join the movement of playing music if they hated it so much?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I do think, Haley, that if you do the music, one, the. The reason why that one is good is because you're not going to their door. You're not ringing four ring cameras. You're just going, hey, I'm solving my problem. If you have a problem with my solution, you come to my house and we could talk about it. But they started this.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[I]

They started this war by asking their daughter to learn a new skill. And for that she will burn. And you will make her burn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly right. She'll be holding a weird little instrument when she does it, too.

[I]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you feel, Haley?

[Connor]

Yes, I think I will probably. Poor man. Do the Fight fire with fire. And I'll just play the music. Or I'll play like one song on repeat or like what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you know what song that'll be?

[Connor]

But what was the one that you recommended?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said working for the weekend, but it's a terrible.

[I]

You would like to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jamie, I feel very comfortable saying that nobody dislikes working for the weekend. Connor, do you know the song Working for the Weekend?

[J]

Oh, I do know the song Working for a Weekend. It's pretty good, right? Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I mean, it's. It's basically what Connor listens to every time he walks into a new area.

[I]

I mean, it's Friday afternoon. It's safe to say Connor was just listening.

[Connor]

Or it's like a. It's like a passive aggressive, like 9 to 5. Dolly Parton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that, too.

[Connor]

Working.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. It's a great song. It's very listenable song. Connor, remind us real quick, what is your crazy living situation right now?

[J]

Right now I'm living with a Dude who calls himself Dirty Mike I in Salem.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And did you get the job at the Haunted Hayride? I know we left off at that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We.

[J]

That one fell through, sadly.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Sorry, buddy.

[J]

To play in Dirty Mike or Dirty Mike and Pickleball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, listen, Connor, obviously we'll wait for the book, but. What a tease. Well, Haley, keep us posted. Let us know how it goes. And you know, honestly, we. I think this is going to at least get the conversation started. Four ring cameras. Temper tantrum. Dad is strange, but you seem like a nice 27 year old property owner. I feel like you'll be able to navigate it.

[Connor]

Yeah, you've got this. Yeah, it'll be great. We got this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, you let us know.

[I]

And the daughter will thank you for not having to play the clarinet if you're successful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she's not into it.

[I]

She doesn't want to be doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It.

[Connor]

No, no, it's not even scales. It's like just.

[I]

Yeah, that's true.

[Connor]

She's going like whatever sound she makes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's playing, like reading Haley and then taking an equity 30. All right, Haley, well, keep us posted. Thank you for the call and good luck. And Connor, thank you for joining us. Honestly, I can't believe you were on the advice side of this show when right now you just were passed up for a haunted hayride job and you're playing pickleball with a guy named Dirty Mic. But here we are.

[I]

It's a pleasure, Connor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good luck, Connor. Thank you, Haley.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Thanks, everyone.

[Connor]

Yes, thanks, guys.

[Jamie Loftus]

We're Here to Help is hosted by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

[Oliver Raleigh]

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakia and our video editor is John de Bruyne.

[Jamie Loftus]

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his [e-mail] that's Oliver R A L L.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.com the album artwork is by James Fosdike. You can find him on Instagram at James Fosdike dash. And if you'd like to see me do standup on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Additional artwork by Paddy Holland.

[Oliver Raleigh]

You can find him on Instagram @Paddy Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our [e-mail] heretohelpod.

[Jamie Loftus]

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All of the advice given on. We're here to help. Is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.