132: You're Outta Line and I'm Outta Time! with Ben Schwartz

Summary

Summary of "We're Here to Help" Episode 132: "You're Outta Line and I'm Outta Time!" with Ben Schwartz

In Episode 132 of "We're Here to Help," hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds of Headgum, special guest Ben Schwartz joins the conversation to offer his unique blend of humor and insight. Released on November 18, 2024, this episode delves into personal dilemmas faced by listeners, providing both comedic relief and thoughtful advice.

---

Introduction of Ben Schwartz

The episode kicks off with Jake and Gareth introducing Ben Schwartz, renowned for his roles in "New Girl" and as the voice of Sonic in "Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse." Gareth enthusiastically highlights Ben's extensive work in comedy, emphasizing his ability to bring laughter both on stage and in various media appearances.

[01:07] Jake Johnson: "Special guest today, Mr. Ben Schwartz."

[01:16] Gareth Reynolds: "Yes, he is so funny. Always funny. You know him from kind of everything."

Main Call: Adam's Wedding Night Worries

The primary focus of the episode centers around a call from Adam, a 29-year-old from the Boston area. Adam shares a troubling memory from his wedding night that has been bothering him ever since. Despite having a beautiful wedding with an open bar, Adam recounts an awkward incident involving a clump of toilet paper found on his wife as they prepared to enjoy a bottle of champagne in their hotel room's soaker tub.

[02:05] Adam: "So earlier in June of this year, my wife and I got married."

[03:00] Adam: "...the hotel room has a big, like, soaker tub type thing for two people."

[04:17] Ben Schwartz: "I'm so nervous. Are you guys not nervous?"

Discussion and Advice

Ben Schwartz, alongside Jake and Gareth, engages in a candid and humorous discussion about Adam's predicament. They explore various ways Adam can address the lingering discomfort without tarnishing the memory of his special night. The conversation touches on the challenges of communicating sensitive issues within a marriage and the importance of maintaining open dialogue.

[06:43] Gareth Reynolds: "Do you think in reality, in your version with her, she's gonna end the way this version ended?"

[15:00] Ben Schwartz: "First of all, Adam, get a divorce. No. Okay. I would if it was me."

[19:40] Ben Schwartz: "Can I ask you just one of those get it out of your ass kind of things?"

Role-Playing the Conversation

To provide practical advice, the hosts and Ben engage in a role-playing exercise, simulating a conversation between Adam and his wife. This segment is both entertaining and insightful, showcasing different approaches Adam might take to address his concerns without causing undue stress or embarrassment.

[21:10] Gareth Reynolds: "Am I playing this for real or for comedy? Real?"

[29:30] Adam: "Yeah. Just kind of bring it up in a sense of like."

Follow-Up Call: Claire's Mad Men Murder Mystery Party

Towards the end of the episode, a follow-up call from Claire highlights the effectiveness of the advice previously given. Claire recounts her successful execution of a Mad Men-themed murder mystery party for her engagement, noting how the suggestions from the show enhanced the event's enjoyment despite some humorous hiccups.

[60:11] Claire: "We needed to do open investigations to how to find more makers."

[64:11] Jake Johnson: "Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• [12:24] Adam: "That's. That's where I'm stuck."

• [24:24] Jake Johnson: "It is kind of funny."

• [29:30] Gareth Reynolds: "She's doing it for a nervous tech."

• [43:09] Jake Johnson: "That's a great question."

• [53:29] Ben Schwartz: "Good performance, Meg. That's a great performance."

Conclusion

Episode 132 of "We're Here to Help" masterfully blends humor with genuine advice, offering listeners both laughs and practical solutions to their personal issues. Ben Schwartz's contribution adds a fresh dynamic to the show, making this episode memorable and engaging for both regular listeners and newcomers alike.

---

This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, providing notable quotes with timestamps, and maintaining a natural flow to benefit those who haven't listened to the podcast.

Transcript

[Ben Schwartz]

With the five dollar meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble, or a McChicken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then get a small fry, a small drink and a four piece McNuggets.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a lot of McDonald's for not.

[Ben Schwartz]

A lot of money. Price and participation may vary. For a limited time only.

[Meg]

Why get all your holiday decorations delivered through Instacart? Because maybe you only bought two wreaths but have 12 windows. Or maybe your toddler got very eager with the Advent calendar. Or maybe the inflatable snowman didn't make it through the snowstorm. Or maybe the twinkle lights aren't twinkling. Whatever the reason, this season, Instacart's here for hosts and their whole holiday haul. Get decorations from the Home Depot, CVS and more through Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply. We're here to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got a fun one, Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Hey, Shark.

[Jake Johnson]

What's up, gang? Hey, Shark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Special guest today, Mr. Ben Schwartz.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we'll keep the intro short because the episode's probably going to be long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, he is so funny. Always funny. You know him from kind of everything. He's a guy who's guested in a million things. He's the voice of Sonic. I know him from his live show called Ben Schwartz and Friends, which is touring. Touring. If it's coming to a city near you, I highly recommend it. It will be a ton of fun. He said he's going to Australia. We know that. But they do pop around. They do, one weekend a month. Yes, Ben Schwartz is unthinkably funny on.

[Jake Johnson]

Stage and on this episode and in life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But if he comes by, you go see the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, very funny. So without further ado.

[Adam]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[Adam]

My name is Adam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Adam. And where are you calling from, Adam?

[Adam]

The Boston area.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boston, Mass. And how old are you, Adam?

[Adam]

29.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Young guy. So, Adam from Boston. 29. You got a special guest. I know him as one of the funniest guys I've ever met. One of the best live performers of all time. You know, that's true. We did Ben Schwartz and Friends back at UCB years ago.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You. You get that audience in a frenzy.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's a very fun time. We had a great show, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, and you.

[Ben Schwartz]

And then you never came back on stage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get some anxiety.

[Ben Schwartz]

Love to have you back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You crushed the Voice of Sonic. Mr. Ben Schwartz, Boston.

[Ben Schwartz]

How are you today, boss?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're lucky, Adam. You're lucky, Adam.

[Ben Schwartz]

How Are you?

[Adam]

I'm doing good. How about yourself?

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm doing well, man. I'm very excited to hear what you have to say.

[Jake Johnson]

Better be good, Adam.

[Adam]

Oh, boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so with that in mind, Adam, what is the issue today? Take your time and let's hear it.

[Adam]

All right, let's see. So earlier in June of this year, my wife and I got married.

[Jake Johnson]

Congrats.

[Ben Schwartz]

Congrats.

[Jake Johnson]

Mazel.

[Adam]

Thank you. And, you know, beautiful day. The whole nine. And it was an open bar. We did not drink necessarily.

[Ben Schwartz]

God, I'm worried, Adam. I'm worried. I'm immediately worried.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, there's a lot of weird, like, Boston, open bar, no drinking. There's some problems already. No.

[Adam]

Well, they're just. Her and I, we didn't really drink much, but to keep it short, end of the night, last call. Bartender's like, can we get you guys anything? And I was like, oh, you know what? I got a cool idea. Can you send a bottle of champagne into our room? And it was like, they did.

[Meg]

All right.

[Adam]

We go up to the room, me and the wife. End of the night. The hotel room has a big, like, soaker tub type thing for two people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Adam]

That's like, all right, let's have a bottle of wine. Let's go in the tub. And this is hot. Well, you know, again, we'll see.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. I banged her in the tub.

[Adam]

That's. In theory, that's what I was going for. You know, get frisky like kittens. But the. The problem is here.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm so nervous. Are you guys not nervous?

[Jake Johnson]

He's doing a great job of kind of.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my God. Okay, so we're there. We got a bottle of champagne. We got a tub.

[Adam]

So she goes to, you know, we get undressed, she goes to the bathroom, and then, well, she goes to climb in the tub. And the. It's just a clump of toilet paper hanging out of her ass.

[Ben Schwartz]

What?

[Adam]

And I just. I plucked it out, and I never told her.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, wait.

[Ben Schwartz]

You pulled it out?

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, did you say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, hold on. I gotta stop you. Adam. What. What? Is the not drinking at your wedding have anything to do with this? What does the champagne have anything to do with it? Because he's sober.

[Ben Schwartz]

Look over here. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, all this. No drinking.

[Adam]

I wanted to empathize. I didn't want you guys to think that we were drunk or anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, stud.

[Ben Schwartz]

So she took a. She took a. Hell, she took a. And then you guys were gonna go in the thing, and so, like, what I do with my dog when she eats grass. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You.

[Ben Schwartz]

You pulled it out. You pulled the toilet paper out with. You said without her knowing, which to me sounds impossible.

[Adam]

I don't think she never. She never acknowledged.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's she gonna say?

[Adam]

She was aware.

[Jake Johnson]

You're welcome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so hold on, Adam. I. I'm trying to get on top of this.

[Ben Schwartz]

I've got three follow ups. When Jake is done, you go first. Actually, when you pulled it out, was there anything on the toilet paper? Where did you see shit or.

[Adam]

No, I grabbed it and I just hummed it behind me. I didn't care to look.

[Jake Johnson]

You just threw it.

[Adam]

I just threw it behind me. I just. I didn't know. I didn't want to spoil the moment, but I mean, it most certainly did for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Yeah, of course it did. Ben, did you have any other follow ups?

[Ben Schwartz]

I have two more if you need them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please. I just.

[Ben Schwartz]

One of them is, did you give like an Indiana Jones quip? Like, looks like both of us need them bath now or something like that?

[Jake Johnson]

Did you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Did like, did you hit her with something real snazzy where like. Yeah. Did you absolutely crush James Bond?

[Adam]

That was. You know, I was trying to live in the moment of the wedding and I was like, I don't want this to ruin it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And.

[Adam]

Yeah, just. It was like. That's just been. It's been hovering. That definitely put a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody's got a plan to get punched in the face.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, so any last one?

[Ben Schwartz]

Of course. I have a final.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please.

[Ben Schwartz]

And then when you got in that tub, what did. Did sexual things happen or was the situation a little bit. And also, it's your first. It's your first night where you have. You are now consummating your marriage. I don't need to. Need specifics. I just need to know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth and I would like specifics.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll just go slow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gareth for sure wants to. I don't want him. But I'm with Garrett.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go slow.

[Ben Schwartz]

I just need a basic gist.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we buy the dingleberry?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so, just to get in this. Just to get in this quick before we hear what happened, because I think the question is going to have something to do with the vibes a little different. The night wasn't great, but I could be wrong. But just to recap, you went out on your wedding. You didn't get drunk for some reason. You told us there was a bottle of champagne. Is that the scene?

[Jake Johnson]

How disappointing was it?

[Adam]

That was the. The whole point of the bottle of champagne was to enjoy it in the bathtub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So she goes beside like a special.

[Adam]

Moment where we just share some champagne. Champagne. And soak in the tub and recap the night. But all I could think was just about that goddamn toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what happened then, Adam? So she gets in the tub, she's crawling in, she's finally out of her dress, you're all excited, you see a little toilet paper, you reach, you throw behind you. Then walk us through what happened after that.

[Adam]

After that just didn't bring it up. Nothing happened in the tub, went to bed. You know, we did our thing and that was kind of the end of the night. But it's just. This has been on my brain and it's like something that I just keep.

[Jake Johnson]

We're all asking, was there sex after you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because he said did our thing. I think that. Yeah, you keep.

[Adam]

Oh yeah, you betcha.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That a boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So sex in bed, but not the tone.

[Adam]

Oh yeah, no. Still got friends.

[Ben Schwartz]

Gareth. Just so. Just. This is Ben here from New York. Just so I. I'm on the same page. You don't have a kink about toilet paper just gently rolling out of an. Right. She didn't know that was playing to one of your kinks.

[Adam]

No, sir.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

No sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If so, this is a different call.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, that's what I. Yeah, but I agree. I like now, Adam, ask a question. Does he need help with or the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Help going to get there?

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh my God, I can't believe there's more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, so. So now we have a pretty clean setup the night you did have sex.

[Jake Johnson]

Finally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Agreed. For her then. What specifically can we help you with today?

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh my God, I love this show. Make that the clip. Keep going. Well, just, you know, better not be weak, Adam. This is my first time. It better not be fucking weak.

[Adam]

You know, how do I tell her? Or do I bring it up where it was our wedding night.

[Ben Schwartz]

Put it on the phone, Adam. Not yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not yet. We might end there, Ben. Really? Really? Yeah, we do follow ups.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we really might, Adam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've had people back three or four times.

[Jake Johnson]

How long, Adam, this was in June for sure.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. This was in June.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So since that's the right question, Gary.

[Jake Johnson]

You'Ve been kind of mentally battling the fact that you saw this. I'm guessing this hasn't happened again. Like we're not talking about it. She doesn't have it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If so this is a different. Okay.

[Adam]

Not a repeat offender or anything.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And then you're. You're obviously still having a sexual relationship with your wife, but it just bothers you, and it's just kind of nagging at you a little bit, and it probably makes you like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, it matters, and I kind.

[Jake Johnson]

Of make you question the practices a little bit, I guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would love to throw.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I would love to tease you, Adam, and make it seem like you're a maniac, but I can relate.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There are little likes. Every once in a while, there's a smell or something that happens that you're like, I can't get it out of my head. You were having.

[Ben Schwartz]

Can I tell you something else that this is. I've talked to my friends about this exact thing where maybe this isn't the forum to bring it up in, but we'll do it anyway. Adam's here. We got to do it. Yeah. Not when we learn how to wipe our asses when we're young. Nobody can, like, show you literally how to do it. So I think that everybody wipes their ass a little bit different. And some people wipe their ass inefficiently.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not wrong.

[Ben Schwartz]

So. But this, to me, is like, am I one of those people that are inefficient? I'm not leaving shit in my asshole and walk around to a bathtub. But I'm like, this is an important thing for three, four people to chat about. How do you think? Because obviously your wife, she has a method where it seems as if she. When she wipes, she puts her. She might help me out. Help me out. So I don't sound like a bad guy.

[Jake Johnson]

She's really pushing in there.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, she's pushing in there, and she didn't release. So when you guys wipe or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She was sweaty.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, that's interesting. And she's dancing all day. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think this is a. I don't think this is a fundamental flaw. Also, it's a weird night.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right, because it's also a dress wipe. She has that big fucking dress on. That's gotta be a little bit of a heightened wipe experience. Also, it's a wipe wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a shot.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's a big time for a wipe wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I'm gonna. I'm gonna just try to get us out of her wiping, and I'm gonna tell you why.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's not the one who called.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Ben Schwartz]

Can't wait to find out how you wipe. If you're able to share that. I can't wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who, me?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, you. I just know it's dirty.

[Jake Johnson]

It's totally true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bidet, baby.

[Ben Schwartz]

Do you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Do you bidet?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I've got the. That's gonna be. Part of my advice is the little.

[Ben Schwartz]

Tushy while we're doing songs. It's a beautiful bidet. What do you say?

[Jake Johnson]

A little tushy.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's this, like, the Howard Stern thing.

[Jake Johnson]

No, because he's got the Japanese toilet. I don't do that. I would love to try, but no. It's like a little attachment you put on your toilet seat.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's what everybody has.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. It's big in the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you.

[Ben Schwartz]

I had those Cottonelle wet wipes. That's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's good too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But guys, we gotta get back to the premise.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, Adam Austin, your specific question then. And you take over. If I'm saying it wrong, is after this night, it's lingering in your head.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you do now? Is that correct or. You said, do I tell her?

[Adam]

Oh, I guess the combination of do I tell her? Do I let it go? You know, where it was the wedding night. Don't want to tarnish it on her end. But I just. Yeah. And I think wedding. Every time it's brought up, I just think about that little bit of toilet paper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So let me ask you a real question, Adam. How much are you thinking about this toilet paper in the ass? And I need a real answer. Is it like it comes up once if someone says wedding, that's all you think? Or is this an issue?

[Ben Schwartz]

Is it linked with sexual stuff now?

[Adam]

Not with sexual stuff. It's more linked with, like, the wedding itself. Just every time we talk about the wedding. Because obviously wedding happened now. That's like the whole story of the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wedding photo of you guys. Your imagining toilet paper in our ass. But regular Wednesday night after work, you're not thinking toilet paper in the ass.

[Adam]

That's. That's where I'm stuck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so I'm starting to get it.

[Jake Johnson]

So not be able to talk about your wedding without thinking about that. It is a little bit of a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I know this seems like you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Can get over this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Ben Schwartz]

I 100 bring it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know my pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Ben Schwartz]

You already know it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never tell her.

[Ben Schwartz]

Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It will crush her.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't believe that's what you think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't.

[Ben Schwartz]

You think you would never tell her?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You imagine telling a woman on your wedding night, my dear. And she's like, by the way, the photos turned out great. And you go, they look beautiful. And she goes, and everyone was so sweet. Like, everybody Came who we wanted to come, and then we did the dance. And she goes, like, dancing with my dad. Like, I didn't think I was going to get emotional. And he goes, oh, yeah. The end of the night, you had toilet paper in your fucking ass. All she's going to take away is, you know what, Adam? Swallow this grenade and die.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is yours. Yours alone.

[Ben Schwartz]

She made a human so interested with Gareth said maybe this is what the podcast is, that you guys are so different.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I mean, I would agree if I. The fact that he keeps thinking about it is a problem. I would say if you're going to tell her, you want to find a way to not make it like a TP intervention. And so what I would maybe do is I would maybe find a way to make it something that just happened to you and bring it up and see if you can parlay that into.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it hasn't happened again.

[Ben Schwartz]

Won't you find out you're on this podcast? Isn't this the biggest risk of all?

[Jake Johnson]

It's a big risk.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's a huge risk. It's absolutely from Medford.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He is from Massachusetts.

[Ben Schwartz]

I know he's from Medford. Right. Near Boston. We know exactly where you are. We know exactly where you fucking work. You don't think your wife listens to this podcast? Tom Holland's brother listens to this podcast. You don't think your wife listens to this fucking podcast?

[Jake Johnson]

Who you're dealing with, Adam, do you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have fear that she's going to hear this podcast?

[Adam]

I would say more than likely not, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then what's your pitch? So I may don't tell Gareth is bring up the conversation you had toilet paper and go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

I also think there. If we find out her general disposition, there is a world where we do call her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, man. I think this is a big.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is fucking insane. This is what you guys do. You ruin people's relationships.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now we pitch on it, and then.

[Ben Schwartz]

We'Re going to go to. We're going to get a blue sky.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're going to pitch all of our ideas. Then we're going to go to him, he's going to say what he likes, and then we're going to pitch on that and come up with a solution that he's happy with the prep. We're just pitching to him.

[Ben Schwartz]

Is it immediate gratification where when we figure out what to do, we do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It right then sometimes depending on the.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my God, I'm. I'm fucking anxious for you, Adam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think?

[Ben Schwartz]

First of all, Adam, get a divorce. No. Okay. I would if it was me. I have a problem with spiraling where if I think of something I can't see, stop thinking about it, and it gets in the way of me enjoying other things. If you're like that, which maybe you're not, but I would have to say. I would have to say. If it's bothering me so much, I would have to say something. Unless, you know, it's something that would break her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You're Adam. You're the wife.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's just see what happens.

[Ben Schwartz]

Absolutely. Oh, gosh. I'm so tuckered out. I know. Do you want to order a bottle of champagne after we haven't drank all night?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure, I guess. Wait, are we doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. You're talking right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I know you're. Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, ok. You're recreating the wedding night.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean about get a bottle of.

[Ben Schwartz]

Just get a bottle. Do you remember on so crazy. What do you remember, first of all, how fun was our fucking way?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. The best.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my.

[Jake Johnson]

That's why we have all those pictures on the wall.

[Ben Schwartz]

They're gorgeous, all those. And they're kind of tilted to the side, but I can bring them back towards the way. Looking at us. What I'm thinking is fine. Do you remember when we got home? This is hotel. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

When we got home.

[Ben Schwartz]

This has kind of been bothering me. First of all, the wedding was amazing. I love the wedding. This has nothing to do with the wedding not being amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

What's going on?

[Ben Schwartz]

It's literally so stupid. But this. You're gonna laugh about this because I'm.

[Jake Johnson]

Laughing a little already. It's very funny.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay, so remember how we were virgins on our wedding night and then we said, we're gonna have sex in this tub?

[Jake Johnson]

The tub sex.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yes. So you went to the bathroom, and I don't know what happened, but on the way back. You're gonna laugh at this. You had. Okay. Do you know, like. Okay, bunnies. Bunnies have these, like, little white puffy tails in the back.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure, they're tails.

[Ben Schwartz]

So you walked behind. I was like, what is that? Did she have a little. A funny little. You had. So you took a shit. So this is what happened. So you went to the bathroom.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I remember.

[Ben Schwartz]

And I think you went. You took a poop. Is that true? Is that. I don't know. Why?

[Jake Johnson]

Where's this going? I don't know.

[Ben Schwartz]

You had a piece of toilet paper hanging out of your asshole. What? And I saw.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean?

[Ben Schwartz]

And like, almost like a fruit by the foot. I like almost. You know, like when magicians take out, like, a. Like a bench.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got to jump in here.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is Ben on the couch talking for? Adam.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How is this going to help him?

[Ben Schwartz]

Let me finish. You know how, like, the magicians pull out that big thing and just keep coming? So I took out this toilet paper and just kept coming out your asshole like a snake coming out of it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Adam.

[Ben Schwartz]

But the funny thing is I just want to take. I think about it all the time, but I was like, I think we would laugh about this. So you had a tiny bit of toilet paper, and I just pulled out and threw it to the side.

[Jake Johnson]

She pulled toilet paper. A piece of toilet paper.

[Ben Schwartz]

Just a tiny little. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that funny?

[Jake Johnson]

I. It is kind of funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Adam.

[Jake Johnson]

It is kind of funny.

[Ben Schwartz]

I was making it more comedic, but you could do that way quicker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Adam, do you. Do you think in reality, in your version with her, she's gonna end the way this version ended? Because my two senses, I don't know a woman in the world who's at the end of that gonna go, it is kind of funny that you pulled toilet paper out of my ass. But I want to hear from you in real life. In real life, I think she would.

[Adam]

Just be mortified and embarrassed.

[Ben Schwartz]

Would she get over it, Adam, Would she get over it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hard to say.

[Adam]

I think she would, but just. I think she'd be afraid of, like, any joke making between us.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that hasn't happened, and I don't think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But now, let's see.

[Adam]

I may be able to help myself, but make a joke, Adam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you see any world where you're going to tell her, but I want the truth? So if it is, we could help there. But right now we've given.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is crazy. This is intense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You tell her. You don't tell her.

[Adam]

I definitely want to tell her.

[Jake Johnson]

You do want to tell her, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man.

[Ben Schwartz]

Tell me why you want to tell her. Because I think you're me. Tell me why you want to tell her.

[Adam]

It's just one of those get it off your chest type things where it's like sort of, you know, it's. It.

[Ben Schwartz]

Can I ask you just one of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those get it out of your ass kind of things?

[Jake Johnson]

It's like, get it off your chest. Pull it out your butt.

[Ben Schwartz]

Can I ask you a. This is a psychology question. Do you think part of you telling us is to now force you to tell her, like you telling us kind of puts the pressure on you. Like, fuck. Now I kind of have to tell her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good question.

[Jake Johnson]

Very interesting.

[Adam]

Absolutely.

[Ben Schwartz]

My man. My absolute man.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so if he wants to tell her, then it really is about how we do. Yeah. How do you do it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, by the way, I'm just saying now before we pitch. We're not having her on. That's going to be too much of a stomach.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't want to be involved. Marriage goes.

[Ben Schwartz]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we just did one.

[Jake Johnson]

This won't air. We just be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just did one, actually, where the woman called back and our advice, like, led to a really big fight.

[Ben Schwartz]

I can't do it. You cannot be responding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, agree.

[Ben Schwartz]

You have to make their decision. It's always their decision.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, legally.

[Ben Schwartz]

But you are peer pressuring them a little bit. If you're like. If you guys, like, that's what. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we, at times we are 100%. And that one, we were very confident and it did go sideways.

[Jake Johnson]

What was that one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Something about, like. I feel like something stupid.

[Ben Schwartz]

You said it was a Ben Affleck JLo thing, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we were j.

[Ben Schwartz]

And what? They got divorced.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah. They had.

[Ben Schwartz]

Right. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That was divorced.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's a huge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Adam, can we. Can we try something just to see what zone you're in? Can you. Would you mind being her?

[Ben Schwartz]

I would love to. What's her name? Oh, I'm going to make her name Ellen. I don't want to know what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Adam, will you give Ben a little info about Ellen so that it feels. Because I want to feel how it might actually feel. Is she chatty? Is she silly? Is she quiet? What kind of lady is she?

[Ben Schwartz]

But not too much that her friends will know you're talking about it right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Adam]

I would say she's more on the silly side. Big into, you know, sitcoms and such like that. Just definitely silly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go face.

[Adam]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, so she might have. She might have fun with this.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, I think this is going to be fine.

[Adam]

I think.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think she could have fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Adam]

I'm just afraid of it being attached to the wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right. So. So we need to figure out how you to frame this so that she can have fun with it and it's not negative.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is nice of you guys. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. This is.

[Ben Schwartz]

I am channeling Ellen. I. Ellen, I am ready for you. Adam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Adam, start whenever you want. Think levity, lightness, fun, charming.

[Ben Schwartz]

Am I playing this for real or for comedy? Real?

[Gareth Reynolds]

A little bit of both.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay. Sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Adam, make it your own, if you got it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, come on.

[Ben Schwartz]

Whatever happens, shout out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, ready whenever you are. Ready, Adam. We want her to laugh at this and not feel like she ruined the wedding by being a disgusting animal.

[Ben Schwartz]

She didn't ruin it. She didn't ruin it. Nobody was there. She made it here. I'm watching Friends.

[Adam]

Hey, girl.

[Ben Schwartz]

What's up, boy? Adam, did you see this episode of Friends? This is the one where they actually find out that Ross and Rachel, they're gonna kiss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quick side.

[Ben Schwartz]

I appreciate you using regular voice if I do. By the way, I don't know what nationality she is. I don't want to go crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I appreciate. Unless.

[Ben Schwartz]

Adam, do you need me to do a higher voice for you?

[Adam]

That'd be sweet. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wow. That'd be sweet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we start again with hey, girl?

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay, I'll pick a different. Hi, Adam.

[Adam]

Hey, girl.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hey. What's up? Just watching Frasier. This is the one where his brother is a week.

[Adam]

I gotta talk to you about.

[Ben Schwartz]

What, baby?

[Adam]

Our wedding.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my God. Do you remember our wedding?

[Adam]

It was awesome.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's unbelievable. I can't believe it's almost been a year.

[Adam]

We're getting there. Don't rush. We're just. Don't rush me.

[Ben Schwartz]

Get your hand off my. Don't rush. All right. Sorry. Sorry, Adam. Yeah.

[Adam]

Something didn't bother me a little bit that I wanted to, you know, kind of run by.

[Ben Schwartz]

Was it the end of Sopranos?

[Adam]

All right. We got the champagne sent to the room and, you know, we went upstairs.

[Ben Schwartz]

And we asked if they could send it up to the room. I absolutely remember. That was so cute of you.

[Adam]

Hey, it was. It was cool. And obviously, we get up there and, like, you know, again, undressed, ready for a bath. You had to go to the bathroom.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hey, Adam. Okay.

[Adam]

And. Yeah, well, when you were climbing into the tub, there was. I just. I don't know how else to say it, but there was just a clump of toilet paper stuck. Yeah. And.

[Ben Schwartz]

Sorry, I plucked it off. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Let me just pause Boy Meets World.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many sitcoms you watching? How many screens you got?

[Ben Schwartz]

Honey goggle? What do you mean by. I'm so sorry. What do you mean by clump? Like a piece of toilet paper. What is it? Because I didn't hear clump before. What is clump?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Clumps in the middle of this.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Adam]

You know, like, it was like a couple pieces of toilet paper folded up.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay. So what? Oh, my God. But I didn't see it in the tub. So what happened? I went in the tub and I didn't see anything come up.

[Adam]

Well, as you're climbing in, I just like grabbed it and I just kind of tossed it behind just by like the toilet.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh my God. That is the sexiest thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it. You know. Wait. No way.

[Ben Schwartz]

In my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No way. Spin doctor.

[Ben Schwartz]

Spin. I cannot believe. Spin doctor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Spin doctor.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, fuck. How can I think of one spin doctor song? Someone, please.

[Jake Johnson]

Two princes, Prince is here before you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wait, okay, so wait, was that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that Spin doctors?

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice. Both you guys.

[Ben Schwartz]

Now go ahead. Now, Adam, this is what she'll be doing. Why?

[Jake Johnson]

And then it's a montage of you guys having fun and she forgets about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you are 100%. You think it's a good idea to tell your wife that two months ago on the night of your guys wedding, she had one little blunder. She had a tiny piece of fucking toilet paper in between her fucking butt cheeks for one second. And you, Adam, can't deal with a bad memory.

[Ben Schwartz]

Jake? Jake, you okay? Sorry. Blood is coming out of Jake's nose. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what, Adam? I'm gonna talk to you now like you're my son.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my God, here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what?

[Jake Johnson]

It's not good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, you're a guy from Massachusetts.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Deal with it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what's gonna happen one day when a baby pops out of her? You're gonna see a lot more than toilet paper.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay, Jake, I think you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pull your big boy pants up and deal with. You got a beautiful wife. You're a 29 year old kid. You're happily married. Never tell this woman there was a clump of toilet paper in your fucking ass.

[Ben Schwartz]

You're really aggravated right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're out of line. Simply out of time. Jake lies. What?

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't think. I don't think a few good men started and you're out of time. You're out of line. And I'm out of time. This whole courtroom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think that is a direct Al Pacino. It can't be from something.

[Jake Johnson]

And I from something.

[Ben Schwartz]

Is dog day afternoon with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mix them all together, you can form them to melange. AI could pull that together fast.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I think that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But that's where I'm at.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think that Allen Iverson.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that. So what do you think, Adam?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Adam, where are you? Let's get to. Let's get clean on this for a second. What are You. What are you actually feeling? And then we're going to tighten up, and we're going to help you figure this out.

[Ben Schwartz]

Wow. Unbelievable.

[Adam]

Yeah. I think I'm still going to try to find a way to tell her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then if you tell her, here's my honest advice to you. I think you need to say. I want to make something crystal clear. This is not a big deal. This is my issue, not yours.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think that's right.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, listen. There are people who go to war and have to come back and just sit with the secrets in their head. So you just. You. I think just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have terrible stuff overseas.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I mean, we're talking about people. Like, they've killed people.

[Ben Schwartz]

Are you saying it's not a big that's or shouldn't be deal? So don't bring it up. Or you say.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm saying. I'm saying. I'm saying live with the secret for at least a year. And then. And then at that point.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, my God. I have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What about this?

[Ben Schwartz]

What about this? Yeah. On your 15th anniversary.

[Jake Johnson]

Give her the dingleberry.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think you've saved it this whole time. I think this is what you do. You'd be like, hey, this thing happened. I just want to know if you knew it happened. Right. Because she must have. You can't pull out something from someone's asshole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's interesting.

[Ben Schwartz]

I was like, what if you're like, did you know? I mean, did you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this is right.

[Ben Schwartz]

I like wedding day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like this. Yeah. So I think. Adam, jump.

[Ben Schwartz]

I didn't want you to be embarrassed or anything like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I wouldn't even go embarrassed. I wouldn't even go.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's a good note. No embarrassment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a game. Adam. I would go. I just need to know something.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's right. This is. This is the way to do it. We just figured it out. Get her on the phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But here's. Honestly. That's right, Adam. Here's. What I would do. Here would be my play.

[Jake Johnson]

Because it's shocking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you be her?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I need to ask you something, and this could be drinking.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This goes to Garrett. Hey, girl.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey. Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've already been.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus, that's a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I gotta ask something because I just honestly don't know.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I honestly don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

This is about what on our wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Night, when you got into the tub.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you remember? I touched. I grabbed something from Your butt or. No.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't remember.

[Ben Schwartz]

Too harsh. But you're there. You're the right one.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're Adam. I'm her.

[Ben Schwartz]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's. And I'm gonna try to do it like her.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'll be Billy Crystal and forget Paris.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Fantastic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's it.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I have to. There's something that I just am so curious about. Just from like, almost like a Mythbuster standpoint. The night of our wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Like when you got into the tub that night. Do you remember this? I feel like you must have noticed that I did something to your butt.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's right. That's right. That's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I do.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Do you know what I was doing? Cause you didn't even say anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I didn't know what you were doing. You punched my butt.

[Ben Schwartz]

A little hole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Close.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, what I did was I pulled a little piece of TP out.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's right, Gary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, that's right, Gary.

[Jake Johnson]

You didn't feel it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know that. I knew something was this.

[Ben Schwartz]

Are we getting this? This is great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Adam, what do you think about doing it? It's not an issue. It's not a problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've been wondering if she knew because.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm saying yes, I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think?

[Adam]

Yes, I think that's definitely the right way to go about it on the phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So do it from here. You do it.

[Adam]

Yeah. Just kind of bring it up in a sense of like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You'Re going to be her.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Ben Schwartz]

Kevin B. Allen.

[Jake Johnson]

We've all been her so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're going to be you. Be you. And let's hear.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, and we'll be the three amigos.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

Don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we should do that.

[Ben Schwartz]

My little buttercup has the sweetest smile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Adam, I wanted to see this at the best of your ability.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is real, Adam. Don't. Don't commit to it.

[Adam]

Hey, girl, do you remember the night of the wedding? Like, at some point, I. Like just like as we were climbing in the tub, like, I touched your butt.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I'm sure you did.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

I guess I don't remember a specific instance of it.

[Adam]

All right, don't worry about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for the call.

[Jake Johnson]

Unbelievable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We appreciate you.

[Ben Schwartz]

Take care, Adam.

[Jake Johnson]

We got follow up, Adam, for fuck's sake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Follow up.

[Ben Schwartz]

Take care.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Adam]

Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are brought to you by Zoc Doc. ZocDoc makes it very easy to compare. Highly rated in Network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online without getting into it too much. When my mother comes to town, we really. And I'm. It's not a knock on the UK healthcare system, but we really take advantage of zocdoc. We book her multiple appointments. You find them so quickly. You find places that take your insurance. Truly, if you call, not only are you on hold listening to weird music, sometimes these doctors will be like six weeks out. ZocDoc makes it easy. You just, you're able to find. We found great doctors for her and I've done it for myself too. You know, we're talking about booking appointments with tens of thousand top rated patient reviewed credible doctors and specialists. There's filters you can find, proximity, insurance, all those things that become a worry when you call a doctor and you're on the phone. Zocdoc gets it done so much faster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to ZocDoc.com HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's Zocdoc. Z o c d o c.comhth zocdoc.comhth makes you think of Gil Buchanan. This episode is brought to you by Philo. Philo's got current seasons of shows that we all love, like A E and mtv. That's got Discover, it's got tlc.

[Jake Johnson]

There are classic shows like the Office, Martin and Friends, shows you can watch over and over again. Mad men, Orphan Black. 75,000, 75,000 movies and shows. You can rewatch them over and over again. We've talked about the hits, let's talk about some of the weird ones. It's not a big deal. But I've watched a lot of love after lockup. So has Jake or life after lockup. Either way, you're watching these people. No love after lockup too. Look, these people get locked up and then they find love. Just go, Please, just go watch. It's important. Best of all, with Philo, you get all of this for just $28 a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world, dare I say a literal world. It's not a literal world of entertainment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So go to Philo TV and check it out. For a free seven day trial, that's Philo P H I L O TV to start watching.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are brought to you by Mint Mobile. Look, you know what? We're here to help. We love to help and we love to help with giving people deals. How good was that, Kevin? Very good. It was great. But we're not here to backpack me over how awesome that was because Mint Mobile is awesome. Look, look. Mint mobile is $15 a month wireless when you purchase a three month plan. So we at, we're here to help. We're like, is this really true? So we switched to Mint Mobile and it really is that it's $15 a month. The longest part of the process was the time I spent on hold, waking, waiting to break up with the old provider because you know they're trying to get you. You're probably not on your wife. I'm not going to get into it. But to get started, go to mintmobile.com heretohelp there you'll see right now, all three month plans are only $15 a month. Not a lot of people know that Ryan Reynolds and I are brothers, so that's why I'm biased. But I also like it on its own merits. All the plans come with high speed data, unlimited talk text on the nation's largest 5G network. You can use your own phone with any mobile plan and bring your phone number, which is the best part. I mean there's a lot of best parts.

[Ben Schwartz]

Parts.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a tie for best parts. All your existing contacts, not that you would really worry that they would try to break up your preexisting relationships, but find out how easy it is to switch to Mint mobile and get three months of premium wireless for 15 bucks a month.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get this new customer offer and your new 3 month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mint mobile.com heretoh that's mintmobile.com heretohelp cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a [e-mail] heretohelp $45 upfront payment required, equivalent to $15 a month new customers on first 3 month plan only. Speeds slower above 40gb on unlimited plans. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions. Restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details.

[Meg]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, can we get your name please?

[Meg]

Yes, my name is Meg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, and where are you calling from, Meg?

[Meg]

Lincoln, Nebraska.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ooh, Nebraska.

[Ben Schwartz]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And about how old are you?

[Meg]

23.

[Gareth Reynolds]

23. You like bands? You like music?

[Meg]

I like music, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who's your favorite musician currently?

[Meg]

Probably Lana Del Rey or Taylor Swift.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure, sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Friends of the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, shut up.

[Jake Johnson]

Nikki Glaser was here. She talked about how much you like Taylor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Meg from Nebraska, you like Taylor Swift. You got me and Garf. Obviously you got the shark. And you've got Mr. Ben Schwartz, the voice of Sonic.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hi, how are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Leader of Ben Schwartz and Friends, who, if you're in an area it's doing live.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, yeah, go see it. You gotta come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go see it. Are you going to Nebraska?

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm not going to Nebraska, but surely there's a state. Right. I'll take a plane, so could change all three. Are we here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What can we do for you today?

[Meg]

Okay, so mine is kind of short, but basically, I've noticed that my boss individually plucks what I can only assume is her leg hair from her legs with tweezers when she's, like, on a long work call, and she seemingly gets bored. And I just. I want it to stop, but I don't know how, and I don't want it to come from me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Understood.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is a great call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So question.

[Jake Johnson]

This almost disgusts me more than our last call.

[Ben Schwartz]

A bit. Of course. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is very bothered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you mean she plucks them and then, like, it's a weird habit, and then just puts the hairs down?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, where the hair's going.

[Meg]

I don't know where the hair is going.

[Jake Johnson]

She's just plucking and dropping.

[Meg]

Get close enough to her to, like, watch where they go, but I think they just go back onto her leg or the ground or whatever.

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg, Ben Schwartz here. I played Dewey, Duck and ducktales. I got a question for you. Is she in a different. Is she in a different office that is, like, kind of closed off and you have to kind of really look to see this, or is it an open space where she's right next to you? Like, everybody can see it?

[Meg]

It's an open space. Everybody can see it. I just looked over one day and realized that's what she was doing. We each have our own desks, but it's very open.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So just walk us through. Meg, when you first saw it, how it happened, what you saw. So it's basically, she's on a call, she's got tweezers, she's wearing some skirt, and so she shaves her legs before, I'd imagine, at work, and then plucks the loose ones. Walk me through it. I'm not fully getting it, but I am with Gareth somehow. It's disgusting, but I don't quite get it.

[Meg]

I mean, they're really small, so I don't actually see it happening. I see her picking at her leg with tweezers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So, like, the little blonde hair still sticking around. Okay.

[Meg]

It could be like hair, but it could also be skin. I've seen her picking at her feet before.

[Jake Johnson]

Lead with that. What she feed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And so you're seeing this healing herself.

[Jake Johnson]

Is she on lsd?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's not about the. The hair or the skin remaining. It's about the act of doing it is grossing you out. And you want that act of her picking her leg stuff to stop. Is that correct?

[Meg]

Yes, correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard.

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg, this is Ben Schwartz. I played Rabbi. And this is where I leave you. What I'm thinking. What I'm thinking is this. It's making me look inward and think about what kind of weird shit do I. Do I have any, like, things where I'm like, I don't. I would never do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was twirling this.

[Ben Schwartz]

Exactly. I was like, I wonder if someone finds that. But I think. I think, like, it's. It's almost like when I see people clipping nails in public. Like, that's like, oh, man, now all that dead stuff is around, right? I was like, I wonder, has she ever seen you looking again? This is Ben. I played Leo in Teenage Mutant Turtles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's hear it.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear Leo.

[Meg]

No, she's never seen, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I call bluff. Privet. Eyes closed. I want to hear Leo.

[Ben Schwartz]

Leo is my own voice. Dewey Duck was higher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I should have said Dewey. And I want to hear Dewey. It's real. Oh, he's the real deal, you know, Meg. He ain't fully. Okay. So, Gareth, what do we got on this one? Where are you at?

[Jake Johnson]

What other co workers. Are you commiserating over this? Or are people talking? Or is this just kind of your own little private prison?

[Meg]

It's kind of private. I could bring it up to another co worker that sits in, like, her direct vicinity and could see, but I'm not really sure if she would care. She kind of has her own.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I wouldn't. I would think for the pitches that she does, for the pitches you're going to get from me, do not tell anyone else you work with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So it's got to be pretty.

[Ben Schwartz]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Because I think. Well, I wish I knew if it was leg hair she's plucking.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is a huge part for me.

[Jake Johnson]

As well, because if it is, I can pitch in that direction. If it is, I would recommend an anonymous waxing gift certificate.

[Ben Schwartz]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

And on the memo line, you write for your leg and you drop.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, you drop it on the desk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's doing it for a nervous tech.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think that's just. I'll do this, but that's just a way. My pitch is just a Way to say, hey, cool. Noticed.

[Ben Schwartz]

You know that's a terrible pitch. You know it's a terrible. Even while you're pitching it, I could tell it's a terrible. And I know you know it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't. I, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now I know I've been doing this for a while with him. He doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think that's not a.

[Ben Schwartz]

You think. Not saying a word, but giving this woman. You need to get your starting wax.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I hear what you're saying.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're something.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's an old pitch. You'll hate this one, too.

[Ben Schwartz]

Then don't say it.

[Jake Johnson]

Steal the tweezers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, steal it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Who are you? She thought about that.

[Jake Johnson]

There we go.

[Ben Schwartz]

Then you got the murder weapon, kid. Now what are you gonna do with it? Smoking guns in your hand?

[Meg]

He would get more.

[Jake Johnson]

I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course.

[Ben Schwartz]

The problem, I think, is what you do. I think if you see it one time, if you see it happening, look at it for a second. And then you could look at her for a second and look it away. And I think she would get so embarrassed, she would stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a pitch on that pitch.

[Ben Schwartz]

Okay. Or I think just if. If it's like a tick and she's just, like, rubbing her leg, she's allowed to do that. That's not weird.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, but she's picking her leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I have a pitch on Ben's pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not going to be easy. What I'm going to say is going to be wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

Some resume stuff real quick. Just. I feel like that's locked us in a little bit better when Ben.

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, sorry. Ben Schwartz. I was the. I was the third on the call sheet in House of Lies. Had a double trailer.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Meg]

Interesting.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hey, it's me, Clyde Oberholt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's real. That one got me. Here's my pitch, Meg, and it's not going to be right, but there might be a zone here when she starts messing with her legs. Hit an air horn.

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's right. So I know that's not right, but what we're looking to do is this. She's like this. Yeah, hello.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you can't do that.

[Ben Schwartz]

Response from her sprite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like of a dog barks. He's bray. And they go like, what the fuck? You.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't do that to your boss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. But there could be something.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, here's what I got. Ready for this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm almost thinking. You don't do anything, but keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

I want you to get Your own set of tweezers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And I want you to start doing it on the calls. When she's doing it now.

[Ben Schwartz]

She's the weirdo.

[Jake Johnson]

Acting, you know? But it's acting, don't break.

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg the weirdo. That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like how peanut shells end up on a bar floor. One psycho started. So we're all crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would say, I hear that.

[Jake Johnson]

Just start doing it. Just because we're now allowing smoking in the office.

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg, can I ask a question?

[Meg]

Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

What would Lana Del Rey do in this situation?

[Jake Johnson]

That's a great question.

[Meg]

I. I think she would probably just be like, what the fuck are you doing?

[Ben Schwartz]

Oh, you think she would say something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Meg, are you thinking of talking to her about it?

[Ben Schwartz]

God, that's too much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boss employee. I don't know if it's wise. Is that what you're thinking?

[Meg]

I think if she saw, like, if we go off the pitch of, like, she sees me looking at her.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's what I'm saying.

[Meg]

Be inclined to be like, are you okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, okay. So you're like, your gut feeling. Oh, I'm Is possibly enter the world of concern. Is that correct?

[Meg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because there is a world where she goes, we could. And we've pitched on stuff like this before by just saying, like, hey, FYI, I heard this thing where if you pluck the hair, you could create a whole rash thing. So I'm just saying, like, be careful with over plucking hairs on legs. She goes, I noticed you do it. I do it too. Just as a heads up. So the woman goes like, oh, shit. I guess I'm doing now.

[Ben Schwartz]

You're in her world now. She could talk to you about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your buddies.

[Ben Schwartz]

You're in. Yeah, exactly. You're plucking. You're plucking buddies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, dude. Sorry to overstep. If I offend you, ignore me. But I saw you plucking it and I do that too. And what it could lead to is ingrown hairs. That could be, like, such an issue. I had a cousin who had to do a surgery.

[Ben Schwartz]

You guys are the people who host this show. I cannot believe you guys are the people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't think that's right?

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg, when you listen to this show, do you think the advice they give out is 1 through 10? 10 being the best advice you ever heard? 1 being like, never listen to that. What do you think the average is? Because I'm just catching up right now. Be honest, Meg.

[Meg]

It depends. It depends.

[Jake Johnson]

I need you to give me overall. Yeah, go Ahead seven.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll take a seven.

[Jake Johnson]

Seven is great.

[Ben Schwartz]

Seven's unbelievable. Passing seven is unbelievable. And then how do you feel like they're handling this today, one through ten?

[Meg]

I mean, I think pretty well. Maybe like eight. I'm not gonna say that. I do that as well.

[Ben Schwartz]

I feel like I'm taking crazy.

[Meg]

Probably hurt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what do you think?

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, how nervous were you getting during that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I thought she was gonna say six. Whatever she said, we were both gonna say pretty good.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, seven is really good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But if she went like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Four.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was gonna go pretty good.

[Ben Schwartz]

Pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So no matter what, I knew we were gonna spin it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I'm happy with this.

[Jake Johnson]

I am, too. This is going good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Ben, you're taking crazy pills. We're doing a bad job. Hold on. The floor is yours.

[Ben Schwartz]

I would love to. So, Megan, this is what I think. This is what I think. Ben schwartz, undercover. Is J.J. abrams directing pilot. This is what I think. For real. I think if she notices you looking once. I mean, you don't do it. Crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, if she noticed the pilot? That show got picked up.

[Ben Schwartz]

Well, JJ Directed the pilot. Then we had other people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just wanted to mention. It's impressive.

[Jake Johnson]

It's impressive. They run Hollywood, for God's sake.

[Ben Schwartz]

Josh Reeves, Josh Reams, director.

[Jake Johnson]

Like three guys running the business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show is called Stop Under Covers. I watched it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yeah, so you don't say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

J.J. abrams.

[Ben Schwartz]

Did he not. Did he not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Undercover. Okay, Meg, that's it. Now I'm taking crazy pills, and you know it. JJ shot a pilot. It didn't go. And I go.

[Ben Schwartz]

It did go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. It's called Undercover. Well, that's the credit.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm taking the crazy bills out of your pocket. Floor is yours.

[Ben Schwartz]

Floor is my Meg. Sorry about that. Okay. I think if you. If she. See. Do you think Meg, just me and you right now. The guys. The guys went home. The guys went home. If you. If you think she saw. If you think she saw. You see. If you think she knew that you saw that, what do you think her real reaction would be? No jokes. What do you think her real reaction would be? Do you think she'd care?

[Meg]

No, I honestly don't think she would care because she knows she's in a public office like people.

[Ben Schwartz]

It wouldn't be inappropriate, right? That's not one of the things in a public office that wouldn't be, like, an inappropriate thing to do. Or is it? I don't know what the etiquette is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Jake Johnson. Jake has in pilot called New Girl.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's smart. He directed the pilot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

I didn't know that. I'm so happy I know that information now. That's unbelievable.

[Jake Johnson]

God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Ben Schwartz]

Keep going. Keep going. Yeah. Huge. Thanks, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She knows. She's plucking her hair. Yes, she's got a tick.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, she has a tick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're dealing with somebody who is doing something, but she's not. It's like she's like on a business call in her own little space, going like this. I do stuff like that. I know I do.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's what I'm worried about.

[Jake Johnson]

I wouldn't do that at work, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think she'll remember.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't think she knows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think she is cutting.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but that's what. So that's what I think. Like a way to stoke her into being like, hey, you're doing this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give her the wax or something.

[Ben Schwartz]

No way. How often have you seen her do this is it? Just one time.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I got one. And you're going to hate this one.

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg, just answer me that. How. How often have you seen her do this? Just one time.

[Meg]

I've seen her do the do the leg thing twice. I've seen her pick out her feet numerous times.

[Ben Schwartz]

All right, Gareth has.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is the picking at the feet? Yeah, that's the problem.

[Ben Schwartz]

How are her feet exposed?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Meg]

Sandals.

[Jake Johnson]

And what is she picking her feet with, her fingers or the tweezers?

[Meg]

Usually it's fingers, but it's. I haven't seen her messing with her feet since she started up with the tweezers in the leg.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I got a note for you. Meg and I love you and we're gonna solve this problem. To me, the feet is by far a more egregious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

That to me is fucking like chimpanzees. Here's what I'm gonna say. We're. You called about the tweezer leg problem. I think there's a way where we can try to attack that problem. And maybe that sends a message to the body of your boss.

[Ben Schwartz]

I think this is going to be 0 for 3. I think you're going to strike out. Really?

[Jake Johnson]

I got a strong feeling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, Gareth, go for it. Confidence. Confidence.

[Ben Schwartz]

You also said Covid wasn't real at the beginning.

[Jake Johnson]

It wasn't.

[Ben Schwartz]

Keep going, Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Buy her a pair of tweezers, nice ones, and give them to her and be like, hey, I see you doing this with your leg. These are like the best tweezers. For hair extraction.

[Ben Schwartz]

I want to keep going. Keep going. I'm listening.

[Jake Johnson]

Unfortunately, I'm near the end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was it. But it's to get. I hear what you're saying.

[Jake Johnson]

Putting a positive spin on the. What the fuck is going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what is the real pitch? If you have a boss, do it. Take away feet, take away tweezers. Your boss does something weird, it's ruining your vibe. She's the boss, so you can't say, hey, cool it. You can get fired. How do you tell somebody who is in a position of power? This weird tic you do do is barfing me out.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's tough. Also, Meg, is it affecting your work?

[Meg]

I mean, sometimes. Like, I'm taking a really long lunch right now to.

[Claire]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To do this call, though.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's why. Get her on the phone real quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Meg, here's my honest pitch.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, do not. Do not do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's my real pitch to you. Fake concern. Gara said, doctor's note. But I would lean into that zone and I would say, hey, girl, just want to let you know I've seen you doing something that my cousin did and you're puckling out hairs. And she goes, I am. And you go, obviously, none of my business. I'm just saying this out of concern. She did it. It led to a really bad rash.

[Ben Schwartz]

Is that true? Is this true? Is this medically true?

[Jake Johnson]

Look how good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, of course not. This is Meg's pit. But this is the pit. And you go, but it led to, like, a rash on her leg where she needed to get steroids. And she goes, obviously, do your thing. I'm just letting you know that those hairs can get ingrown and infected. It's not a bad girl. I watched with my cousin. It got so grim. And then go, anyway, love ya. And go back to work. Put in her head, this fucking weird habit I got. Could end up with a fucking rash. I'm done.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's not a bad picture.

[Jake Johnson]

I love the Jake ending to what the boss said. I quit. I can't do this.

[Ben Schwartz]

There's a moment. You don't want to make it uncomfortable where she. Like, now the boss feels uncomfortable around Meg. Like, who is just trying to fucking work there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Ben Schwartz]

It's not a weird situation because it's not totally your business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Ben Schwartz]

But it's also, like, if she clicking on her feet, it's kind of disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, Meg, what do you think of that pitch of saying to her? It's partly. So we're going to go to you now. What do you think of the idea of giving her tweezers? What do you think of the idea of giving her either wax? What do you think of just bringing it up? What do you think of going to her and bringing up the idea of my cousin or somebody in my life did that too, and it led to a bad infection of those pitches? What zone are you going towards?

[Meg]

I think I like the tweezers idea. I do fear that would egg her on, but I think that, like saying my cousin got a really bad infection from doing that in public I think is a really good bet. And it'll come from like a. Oh, it's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Meg]

Like concern my picture.

[Ben Schwartz]

Just. Just react. Just let her see that. You can't see it.

[Jake Johnson]

Make a little bit more of a meal.

[Ben Schwartz]

If someone did that to me, I would be mortified. And don't like give her attitude or anything. Just notice. Linger there enough for her to know that like, oh my God, she sees. I didn't even know because I think she doesn't know she's doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think so too. I think it's an out of body experience.

[Ben Schwartz]

That's exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Meg, what do you think about lingering eye contact and then that awkward smile after? Like, saw that and then maybe do that a couple of times?

[Meg]

I think that's really good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And then after that.

[Ben Schwartz]

I don't know about the smile. I didn't pitch a smile. That's a Jake Johnson original.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But what is funny?

[Ben Schwartz]

What I want her to say after. Yeah, I want you to look for a little bit. And then when she sees you, I want. I want you to wink at her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, Jake, the smile, the smile is this like.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, well, here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're her.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay.

[Ben Schwartz]

I'm not judging you. Make it smile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but we made eye contact. It's not going like this.

[Ben Schwartz]

Look away. Just look away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Want to do with your boss?

[Ben Schwartz]

This is what I think you should do. Who am I looking at? Who's the boss? Who's the boss?

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good too. I like both. I like the smile at Ben's last.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Meg, if you make eye contact with her, does it warrant anything after, in your honest opinion?

[Ben Schwartz]

Smart questions?

[Meg]

No, I don't think so. Just like making sure she knows that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I.

[Meg]

Would be willing to do. I would not.

[Ben Schwartz]

This is smart, Meg. This is smart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So, okay, so you're gonna do there.

[Ben Schwartz]

And don't get fired. I just don't want to settle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're gonna do that? How many times until you do? The cousins got A rash. You want to say three.

[Ben Schwartz]

No, you can't do it three times two. That makes the weirdo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I think if she keeps going.

[Meg]

Meg, I think it's gotta be like the second time. I see the second time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's right.

[Meg]

I make eye contact with her.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you now during.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Do you go right away? Yeah.

[Meg]

Be like, so my cousin used to do that actually. And she ended up getting a really, really bad rash.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Ben Schwartz]

Good performance, Meg. That's a great performance. Meg, do you want to be an actress? That was a great performance.

[Jake Johnson]

Pilots, have you been in and who directed them? Meg, I think that's right. I would go one awkward. The second time, once the work stuff's over, I would go. Just so you know. I mean, I don't care. But my. Do the cousin. Yes, I think that's right.

[Meg]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Meg, what are you going to do?

[Ben Schwartz]

This is tough. Meg, what do you think?

[Meg]

That's what I'm going to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are going to do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Will you. Will you follow up with. If it's just the look and it ends great. If you do the cousin thing, will you follow up with us?

[Meg]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So will you follow up with us after the cousin things? If you have to go there, and if not and it's a happy ending, then follow with us eventually and just tell us that it all worked out and maybe we'll be a 7.5.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. It's very good for guys like us.

[Ben Schwartz]

Meg, I'm rooting for you. Just also follow your instinct if it feels like something bad's happening. Get out. Get out. Don't do it. Don't do it. Bye, Meg. Best of luck.

[Meg]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This episode is brought to you by SimpliSafe. SimpliSafe is a home security which I use on my house with Active Guard SimpliSafes 24. Seven modern agents keep a close watch over your property and actually stop crimes before they happen. The cameras use advanced AI to tell the difference between friendly faces like family and neighbors, and potential threats. Alerting agents to suspicious individuals before they get close to your home. These agents can talk directly to the intruder, sound aloud, siren, flash lights, and even alert the police. While other systems only react after a break in, Simplisafe combines live monitored and proactive protection both outside and inside your home. That's why I trust Simplisafe with my own home security every day. And I want you to have that same peace of mind.

[Jake Johnson]

Protect your home with 50% off a new SimpliSafe system plus a free indoor security camera. When you sign up for Fast Protect monitoring, just visit simplisafe.com heretohelp that's simplisafe.com hereto help. There's no safe like simple.

[Ben Schwartz]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Spark something uncommon this holiday season with the right gift from Uncommon Goods. Look, I can. This is a great place to go if you go to Uncommon Goods. If you don't know what you're going to get somebody, I cannot recommend it enough to go to Uncommon Goods to get an idea or even find that thing. It is just, it's like walking through an amazing store online. They scour the globe for all these original or handmade, you know, items you'd never think of. And I ordered a few things from it because there were just things where I was like, oh, it's perfect for my mom. Or you know, like, whoever you're going to get it for. Truly just a great place to go. Either find it or spark an idea. And when you shop on Common Goods, another thing we love, you're supporting artists and small independent businesses. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches. So don't be like, oh, come back tomorrow. Do it now. Shop now. Before they run out. They look for high quality products. It has something for everybody. And they give $1 back to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3 million to date. So what are you doing? Go to Uncommon goods to get 15% off your next gift. That's UncommonGoods.com here to help for 15 off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer on Common Goods. We're all out of the ordinary, especially Kevin. And we are brought to you by Squarespace. We love and adore Squarespace. We want to have Squarespace as a guest on the show. But they have repeatedly told us that it's not. There's not a person. But we would love to meet the guy or the woman, whatever it is. Look, they legitimize your website. My website is Squarespace. Kevin's website is Squarespace. Super user friendly. Many of our callers websites are Squarespace. Yeah, we like, we, we did the wigs and suits. Yeah, they were Squarespace. This, this woman called. She lying to her boss about taking cooking classes while she was going off and doing some more naughty stuff. We helped make her a website that was so legitimate her boss believed she was taking cooking classes. You think we're putting in 40 hours of work to do that? No, no. We're using Squarespace because they make it that easy. Squarespace. We're talking design intelligence, Squarespace payments connected to your social and multimedia accounts. It makes it easy to sell content. There's SEO tools. All these things that I'd say 30% of our listeners are going I. That intimidates me. Not anymore it doesn't. Because Squarespace makes it easy. It's like having a translator with you. It makes you legitimized in the website world. You need a website, just ask Kevin. So join us on a Squarespace journey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Head to squarespace.com Gill sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil. Hey everyone, it's the Shark. The original call from this next follow up aired on October 28th.

[Jake Johnson]

It's called shirt Title Merch Business with Katherine Reitman. And it is the second call from the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it.

[Ben Schwartz]

Enjoy.

[Claire]

Hello.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome back to. We're here to help. We know that you're a follow up, but we don't know what the follow up is. It's just Gareth and the Shark on this one. So we'll have to relay your follow up to Jake, but why don't you let us know what was the original call and where are you at?

[Claire]

All right. This is Claire. And you might not recognize me as I'm sober this time, but I threw a engagement.

[Jake Johnson]

You were at the wedding or engagement party, right?

[Claire]

Yes, I sure was.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, and what was your original problem? I can't remember exactly.

[Claire]

I needed help planning a Mad Men murder mystery party.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, right. Yes, we pitched forever on your Mad Men murder mystery party.

[Claire]

Yes, thanks. Thank you for sending me the audio because I needed it after.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't. I don't remember what we said. So what, what, what did we end up landing on exactly?

[Claire]

Yeah, there was a lot of plot points pitched for why we were gathering who got killed. So we were celebrating the closing of a Nabisco deal, the ad that the ad agency closed. And the guy who closed the deal, we named him. Well, you guys named him Troy. We ended up naming him Dick. And he was stealing all the women's ideas and pitching on them, and one of the women's husbands was sick of it and he killed him. And there was a pitch to kill him with a plunger.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh.

[Claire]

We did not go with the plunger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Death.

[Claire]

Probably the right call, but it was awesome. Everyone came like, dressed perfectly, Martinis and cigarettes in hand and great outfits. I Sent pictures.

[Jake Johnson]

Sharing the pictures with Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right now.

[Jake Johnson]

That's great. And what were you on a ladder for that first picture. That was a very high vantage point shot. Okay, great. Oh, there's lots of smoking.

[Claire]

Lots of drinking. My friend. My friend bartended.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus. Everyone was smoking. Were people who weren't. Were people who didn't smoke smoking?

[Claire]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Claire]

Everyone leaned in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Claire]

So we did like a cocktail hour. And then at one point, I screamed in the back room and everyone came running and Dick was dead on the floor. And one of the pictures shows that.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, keep going.

[Claire]

So then Dick came back. Well, the. My friend who played Dick came back as the detect. The twin brother detective to help. To help solve. Solve the murder. Yeah. And my friend got progressively more drunk through the night and then would forget what had actually happened.

[Jake Johnson]

So, I mean, not the character. Your friend is a human.

[Claire]

My friend, the human.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Claire]

So I had to keep going and reminding the detective of what actually happened.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure. Even Am I. Yeah. I think we needed to do open investigations to how to find more makers. Okay. So was it a success?

[Claire]

It was. Yeah. Everyone, when they walked in, got a.

[Jake Johnson]

Did we. And again, I'm happy for you. Good, good, good. Whatever. Did we help lay? Did we give the pass for the alley oop on this successfully?

[Claire]

100%, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Was our stink all over this?

[Claire]

It was.

[Jake Johnson]

Did we really?

[Claire]

The only thing we didn't use was the best by plunger. Did you. What on it?

[Jake Johnson]

Nothing. I didn't say anything. I haven't said anything for 15 minutes. Okay, well, that's great, Claire. That sounds like a win. It sounds like. Kevin, we should probably ring the bell.

[Ben Schwartz]

Yes.

[Claire]

Ringing the bell.

[Jake Johnson]

So the bell is going to get rung. Well, great. Congratulations. I guess it. If we. If all of us get together for another pitch session, it seems like you have to be intoxicated for it to. Really?

[Claire]

Yeah, I think so.

[Jake Johnson]

Cook with gas.

[Claire]

We can make it happen.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, fantastic work. Proud of you. Sorry your detective kept getting so drunk, but. But yeah, A win for us is a win for you. Or some version of that. I don't know how to agree.

[Claire]

Everyone wins.

[Jake Johnson]

We're happy for us is what I'm trying to say.

[Claire]

Love it. We are.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Claire. Thank you so much. Thank you. Appreciate you putting faith in us. And the bell got rung.

[Claire]

Of course. All right. Say hi to Jake.

[Ben Schwartz]

I will not.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Claire. Thanks, Claire. Okay, bye.

[Claire]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is hosted by.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. To show is produced and edited by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kevin Bartelt and The associate producer and.

[Jake Johnson]

Editor is AJ McKeon, our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiyo, and our video editor is John de Bruyne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his [e-mail] that's Oliver R A L L.

[Jake Johnson]

I.com the album artwork is by James Fosdike. You can find him on Instagram at James Fosdike D I K and if you'd like to see me do standup on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Additional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Artwork by Paddy Holland. You can find him on Instagram @pady holland2004.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our [e-mail] heretohelpod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com.

[Jake Johnson]

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Ben Schwartz]

Hey everyone, I'm Dan Licata.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Nick Nanny.

[Ben Schwartz]

And we are the hosts of Chicken.

[Jake Johnson]

Padme John, now on Headgum. It's the very first podcast for and about Italian Americans. That's right.

[Ben Schwartz]

But if you're not Italian American, you can listen to, I guess I suppose we can let you in, cut you a deal.

[Jake Johnson]

Deal.

[Ben Schwartz]

We're talking about all sorts of crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Topics on this who's a better cook, Nana or Mama?

[Ben Schwartz]

Who you got in that fight?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nona or Mama?

[Ben Schwartz]

I mean, I can't say bad about non or else she smacked me across head.

[Jake Johnson]

We got some great guests on the show.

[Ben Schwartz]

We got Wayne diamond, we got Edie Modica, we got Mike Hanford and our wife Severely so. Subscribe to Chicken Parmesan on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

New episodes drop every Thursday.