134: So It's The Cheese vs Mikey Spandex? (with Oliver Ralli and Vic Michaelis)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "So It's The Cheese vs Mikey Spandex?" (Episode 134)
Host/Author: Headgum
Release Date: November 25, 2024

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Introduction

In Episode 134 of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds delve into two main segments: assisting independent wrestler Oliver Ralli, known as Mikey Spandex, in refining his wrestling persona, and providing advice to listeners grappling with unique personal dilemmas. The episode skillfully balances humor with genuine support, staying true to the show's ethos of offering friendly, albeit unconventional, guidance.

Character Development Assistance to Mikey Spandex

The episode kicks off with the introduction of Oliver Ralli, an independent professional wrestler who performs under the moniker Mikey Spandex. Hailing from Sanford, Florida, Oliver shares his journey into wrestling, highlighting his passion and the evolution of his character.

Oliver Ralli (Mikey Spandex):
“I've been wrestling since 2017, so about seven years now.” ([06:05])

Jake and Gareth engage Oliver in a vibrant brainstorming session to enhance his wrestling persona. The discussion revolves around transforming Mikey Spandex into a more dynamic and formidable character within his wrestling organization, which is known for its over-the-top characters like "The Technical Alchemist" and "Dean Taylor the Zombie Director."

Gareth Reynolds:
“We need to create a character that ties into the Spandex theme.” ([13:02])

The hosts and Oliver explore various superhero archetypes, ultimately co-creating the concept of "Lightning Bolt Thunder Thighs, the Grand Marshal of the Skies." This new persona emphasizes Oliver's exceptional strength and endurance, incorporating elements like lightning motifs on his spandex attire to symbolize his superpowers.

Gareth Reynolds:
“Imagine you running around with lightning bolts on your thighs while you squeeze your opponents. It’s like Thor meets ultimate wrestler.” ([20:24])

Oliver embraces the idea, noting how the lightning-themed gear aligns perfectly with his existing strengths and adds a visually striking element to his performances. The collaborative effort culminates in a refined and more engaging character that promises to elevate Oliver's presence in the wrestling ring.

Listener Call: Sarah and the Gnome Obsession

Transitioning from character development, the episode addresses a listener's concern. Sarah from Maryland calls in with a quirky yet troubling issue: her boyfriend has developed an inexplicable obsession with sending her gnomes, both digitally and handmade, despite her clear disinterest in them.

Sarah:
“Thing is, he's been sending pictures of gnomes in this chat and directly to me since February almost every single week.” ([32:01])

The hosts, along with guest Vic Michaelis, offer creative and humorous strategies to help Sarah curb her boyfriend's gnome fixation. The advice focuses on non-confrontational tactics to redirect his attention and diminish the playful yet persistent gnome exchanges.

Vic McCallis:
“You could start retaliating with something equally quirky, like personalized mugs with funny sayings or photos.” ([38:26])

The discussion includes escalating the playful feud by introducing retaliatory gifts that mirror the gnome theme, thereby deflecting her boyfriend’s efforts in a lighthearted manner. Suggestions range from gifting customized mugs to staging playful "gnome murders" to symbolically end the obsession.

Sarah:
“I think I'm going to start killing gnomes.” ([43:37])

Follow-Up Call: Rory’s Sexual Performance Improvement

In the latter half of the episode, Rory returns to share updates on a previous call regarding early ejaculation. Initially seeking advice on prolonging intercourse, Rory details how implementing the hosts’ unconventional suggestions led to positive changes in his sexual relationship.

Rory:
“We started incorporating the suggestions, and now our sex life has improved significantly. We’ve moved to different positions and locations, making things more exciting.” ([61:1])

The hosts commend Rory on his progress, emphasizing the importance of open communication and creative solutions in addressing intimate relationship issues.

Gareth Reynolds:
“I think you really just got to start murdering the gnomes. It’s also just a great way to undercut the work he's putting into these things.” ([42:40])

Rory’s success story serves as an encouraging testament to the show's ability to provide effective, albeit unconventional, advice that resonates with listeners facing similar challenges.

Conclusion

Episode 134 of We're Here to Help masterfully combines character-driven creativity with personalized listener support. From transforming Mikey Spandex into a wrestling powerhouse to resolving quirky personal conflicts and enhancing sexual relationships, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds demonstrate their unique ability to offer relatable and entertaining advice. The inclusion of guests like Oliver Ralli and Vic Michaelis enriches the episode, providing diverse perspectives and fostering a sense of community among listeners.

Notable Quotes:

• Oliver Ralli: “I've been wrestling since 2017, so about seven years now.” ([06:05])
• Gareth Reynolds: “We need to create a character that ties into the Spandex theme.” ([13:02])
• Gareth Reynolds: “Imagine you running around with lightning bolts on your thighs while you squeeze your opponents. It’s like Thor meets ultimate wrestler.” ([20:24])
• Sarah: “Thing is, he's been sending pictures of gnomes in this chat and directly to me since February almost every single week.” ([32:01])
• Vic McCallis: “You could start retaliating with something equally quirky, like personalized mugs with funny sayings or photos.” ([38:26])
• Sarah: “I think I'm going to start killing gnomes.” ([43:37])
• Rory: “We started incorporating the suggestions, and now our sex life has improved significantly. We’ve moved to different positions and locations, making things more exciting.” ([61:1])
• Gareth Reynolds: “I think you really just got to start murdering the gnomes. It’s also just a great way to undercut the work he's putting into these things.” ([42:40])

This episode exemplifies the show's blend of humor, creativity, and heartfelt advice, making it a valuable listen for anyone seeking both entertainment and practical solutions to life's quirks.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

With the five dollar meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drink and a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not.

[Oliver Raleigh]

A lot of money. Price and participation may vary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For a limited time only.

[Unknown Sponsor]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, we are back. Garf man, I got a question for you.

[Unknown Guest]

Talk to me, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What guest? What? One of our, as you call them, guest helper.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Everyone does has come.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And nailed the premise in your.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, you know, not your favorite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not now. Some of you are like, oh, they were the funniest. We're not doing a competition. But they came out and you said like, this gets.

[Unknown Guest]

There's some bangers. I mean, you know cat, right? I love cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Cat Reitman fit in so fast. But we were a little early on the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're totally right. But she got it so fast. Because she also took over and disagreed.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And was like, no, this is what weird.

[Unknown Guest]

And no, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

We needed that. We needed like a mother to be like, stop talking. But we were a little early.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We do have a mother who says that. My mom.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She says it to me all the time.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop listening. It's too loud. You guys need to shut the up. Well, it's a podcast mom, by the way.

[Unknown Guest]

My mother stopped listening too. It's. It's. But that was bound to happen. I also thought. I also thought Lisa Gilroy was so good. But if you're talking. I think there was a beautiful thing that happened when Justin Long was a guest, which is that he was great. It was the intersection of the problems. Being great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Him being very comfortable. And we really. You, I think, put him in the position to really act these parts. And he was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So did the one with the woman in the pool.

[Unknown Guest]

Right. The pool woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That, by the way, I Forgot to. I think that might have been one of my favorite calls.

[Unknown Guest]

It was also a great call and a great problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So as a life problem, that's one I've thought about.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A woman at the community pool, a woman. Somebody asked her to hold her as she practices swimming. And she said yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And now she doesn't know what to do because summer was coming around.

[Unknown Guest]

You realize it was like if Seinfeld was a therapist. Like, if it's just like these tiny apartment problems we deal with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

And that one was very. So that I think, again, I wouldn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even say it was.

[Unknown Guest]

He was great. And I wouldn't. Because we've had so many great guests. I would say it was just a very good moment. And he just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Rachel and Olivia, for me, where they called the actual dentist office. That was insane.

[Unknown Guest]

That was a great one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So many fucking.

[Unknown Guest]

It's been great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It really has.

[Unknown Guest]

True.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you guys have all experienced it with us. I know we've got a loyal base. We see the numbers. We know you're here every week.

[Unknown Guest]

And we love you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Means a lot. So thank you.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without further ado.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, how you doing? Welcome to the show.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hi, how's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Can we get your name, please?

[Oliver Raleigh]

My name is Mike, but you guys can call me Spandex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, great. Okay, Spandex, where are you calling from?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm calling from Sanford, Florida, just north of Orlando, Florida.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And about how old are you, spandex?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I am 32.

[Gareth Reynolds]

32.

[Kevin Bartelt]

So, Gary, we're getting a lot of Florida questions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Gareth is in Alaska tonight, so he cannot join us. But he sends his love and we will give a couple of Gareth's pitch pitches in his honor. But you've got the man who wrote the theme song for our show. We're here to help, Mr. Oliver Raleigh. And you got the shark as well, Spandex.

[Kevin Bartelt]

What's up, Spandex?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, what's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, spandex, 32, Florida. Take it away, my man. The floor is yours.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So I am an independent professional wrestler known as Mikey Spandex. Hence why I said you can call me Spandex. And wait, quick thing, quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Before you start, Spandex, before you start. Did you watch the Vince McMahon doc on Netflix?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm actually not a big documentary guy and I actually used to work for WWE until, like, not that I necessarily know background stuff or anything like that, but it's just like a. Stories you hear from others, you're like. And stuff. I already Know and stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't really want to know. Yeah. And I gotta tell you, that wrestling world that you're in is wild. It is.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Plus Florida.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Incredible. So before we get into your thing, Spandex, how long have you been wrestling?

[Oliver Raleigh]

So I've been wrestling since 2017, so about seven years now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And how did you get into it?

[Oliver Raleigh]

So I've just. I've been a huge fan of it since I was like 4 years old. And it was one of those, like, pipe dream type things. So for me, it was like, I never thought it would happen. So I did the typical route. Graduated high school, graduated college, got a job, do all that stuff. And I one day googled a wrestling school and saw there was one like 30 minutes from my house and had a good heart to heart with a buddy of mine and said, fuck it. And here we are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good for you. So you're doing a lot of the indie circuits. You're just wrestling around, creating your character. Are you a good guy or a bad guy?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm typically a good guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. And how hardcore do you get in these?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I don't do the crazy deathmatch type shit you see out there. That grosses me out. I did just have a street fight about two months ago, and I have a ladder match coming up next month.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Explain what a street fight is besides, is it a street fight?

[Oliver Raleigh]

So it's basically like, there's no rules, so there's no disqualifications, no count outs, weapons are allowed. You still have to win, like pinball or submission in the ring. But as far as everything else, anything goes, let's basically do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This and Spandex, this is something that you want to do for the next 10 years. This is the life's calling.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It was in the sense it's a passionate hobby is how I like to describe it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Respect. So now I appreciate that. I'm passionate about this. I just needed some backstory.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Now I'm glad Jake asked to clarify street fight, because I have like four friends I went to high school with that would have a different definition of street fight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I like.

[Kevin Bartelt]

I like yours a lot more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, a street fight, somebody pulls your shirt over your head and beats you up for like 30 seconds. And then you and your friends talk about it for 10 years.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, my God, says the Bears will.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Never win another Super Bowl. And then a street fight happens. I'm going to show the guys the Instagram you sent because the pics of you are so cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, YouTube, you look like a fucking spider in the Air.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Dude, you're a beast.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Thank you.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Very cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Yo. All right, wait, I'm curious. Like, what. What's. What's the idea behind the name and the character Spandex? Like, yeah, I know. Like, Ultimate Warrior. Like, I get like Junkyard dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, like Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Like, what is Span. Like, what's Spandex? Like, what's your. What is your thing other than you're wearing Spandex?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I get this all the time. So Spandex actually came from. Prior to wrestling, I was doing CrossFit competition locally a lot. And in one of the competitions, they had, like, a leggings contest. And I was like, the only dude that was like, fuck it, let's have fun. And I did it, and, like, I put on these crazy leggings with, like, a unicorn and a robot dinosaur on it. One of my favorite pairs of leggings I ever had. But I ended up winning the contest. And so everybody's like, are you gonna keep doing this? So I just started wearing leggings to work out. And it's like a buddy of mine was talking about branding and all of this, and he's like, you should turn this into a thing. And that's how Mikey Spandex was created. And so you just, like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just like Spandex. This isn't like a big wrestling character, Mike.

[Jake Johnson]

Mikey Spandex, you said?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yes. So the name is Mikey Spandex. But my moniker, because I have, like a moniker on top of it, I'm known as the grand marshal of the Spandex parade. And over time, I've kind of evolved it, so now I'm just known as the grand marshal, and I come from the Spandex parade.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this reminds me, Oliver and I used to have a two man show called the Midwesterners, and we did a sketch called Kid Invisible. Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Transparency Man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we just wore clear masks above our faces, and we pretended rubber band with a rubber band. And we're pretending to be superheroes, but we hadn't figured out our look. Mikey, that's kind of triggering. That's awesome. All right, so now, thank you for the very clear setup. We're in. We're invested. The floor is yours. What is your question today?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Okay. So as an independent, I can work for multiple companies and different wrestling organizations that I want to. There is one in particular that is very much about over the top characters. So, like, on this show, there is a guy who is. He's known as the Technical Alchemist and his character is like a mad scientist. And then there's one that. His name is Dean Taylor, but he's like a. He's a director, but he's also a zombie. So he's like a zombie director, and he's incredible as well. And then another guy, one more is the cheese. He just is literal cheese. He just throws craft singles out. He's all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are the worst characters ever.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Literal cheese on the floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this is. This is Parmesan for the character wrestling style.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. I. I gotta be. I gotta be honest. I kind. Yeah, like the absurdity Oliver. It's like that there's some dude that's like the cheese and just throws out craft singles. Like, that is not. Yeah, that's not Stone Cold Steve Austin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I'm saying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not the Undertaker.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And his entire thing is pun. So you like. You know the move, the ddt? Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's one of the best moves ever.

[Oliver Raleigh]

He calls his the ddt.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so you guys in this independently have kind of weird characters. Right now you're still kicking ass. Now you still kicking ass. We saw the photos. You're flying around. You guys have great bodies. You're kicking ass. But it's the cheese versus Mr. Spandex. Right?

[Jake Johnson]

That's Mikey Spandex.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mikey. That's not the Undertaker versus Hulk or Andre the Giant.

[Oliver Raleigh]

There's guys similar to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, and so that's. So that's just part of the setup. Right. Those are some of the characters. So keep going.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Right. So they want me to be more of a character as well. So they want me to be, like, in that kind of. Of group. Because I'm mostly just like. I'm a name. I'm pretty athletic. I just act like I'm an athlete and I'm over the top a little bit. But they want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need to create a character.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And what do you think about that?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I have one idea already, but I don't know where to go further with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's hear it.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So the purpose is. Because I'm a giant nerd, I've always made references. Like, all my gear that I have made is references to, like, anime and superheroes and stuff like that. So I want to turn myself into the. Basically that organization's superhero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's getting really heady, though, no?

[Kevin Bartelt]

Yeah, Spandex, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the low IQ pitch because I'm with that Kevin. Because if you're saying the group that you want, they want you to join You're a superhero in their universe, right?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Correct. So, yeah, in a sense, but they. So I'm already a part. Part of it. But they want my character to shift or like, to, I guess, more so. To amp it up more like the hero side, because they know I'm very much into, like, superheroes and stuff like that, so they want me to, like, ramp that up more.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's cool. I dig this. So, like, what's. What's. What is your superpower? Like, what. What is. What is your superhero gift? What can you do?

[Oliver Raleigh]

So a lot of people say it already because of, like, my size. I'm not that big of a guy, but I am ridiculously strong. So super strength has been, like, my main thing going for me. And then another really funny thing that all the wrestlers and fans talk about is I have really big thighs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so you got big, strong thighs. You want to be a superhero, but we're looking for a bigger character in this universe. But it's got to be something about Spandex.

[Oliver Raleigh]

No, I do want to keep the name. Yes. Because I own the trademark on my name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mikey Spandex.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah. So, well, the copyright on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You sure you don't want to be a bad guy and make it seem like Spandex has taken over the universe? And if you're not in Spandex, you're ugly. And you look around, you grab the. You grab the mic, and you look around and you go, like, all of you. And you're dead, and you're so ugly. Look at me in my Spandex. I'm so sexy. And then you go, oh, you women with your little thighs. I got the best thighs. Look at you little boys with your little thighs. And then you go, you don't have the body for Spandex like Mikey Spandex does. Then you flex your butt cheeks like.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I think you need a heel.

[Jake Johnson]

So on board with this, man. You need to be the biggest fucking heel. This is perfect. You need to go up there and talk.

[Kevin Bartelt]

You got to turn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think, because it's all Spandex. And guess what, Mikey Spandex. None of these guys got a body like you got a body. And if they did, they would wear Spandex. But they got their little jelly rolls, and they're hiding it with their extra large shorts. But not Mikey Spandex, because you lick your fingers, show everything. Lick your fingers. You know where you go like this.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Because I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look at this, I show everything, baby. I'm Mikey Spandex. Because you know what? Mikey Spandex, you got nothing to hide. Yes, because guess what? If you got Spandex on, you got nothing to hide.

[Kevin Bartelt]

That's good, man.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I like that last part, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you think of this? But you don't like the heel. So what? How can we go superheroes?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

Why? Why? Why not?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Because there's too many already in the league.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's too many.

[Kevin Bartelt]

So funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, then how about this, then? How about this?

[Kevin Bartelt]

A league full of heels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That part of being in Spandex is because you got nothing to hide. And you see through people's bs, man. You see through their lies, Okay? I mean, it's a. It's a leap.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, you know, I. You know, if you're gonna be a superhero, but why not have it be some sort of, like, Captain America thing? Like, you were, like. You were, like, abducted as, like, a child in the 80s. You're, like, 32 or 30 or something like that. You were abducted as a child in the 80s and, like, put into a lab and given, like, major super strength. You know what I'm saying? Like, that could be your. That could be your thing, you know? And then somehow we got to figure out for you to show off your strength.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Okay, so we. I already have moves for that part, which actually, that could work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, walk us through what you're thinking, Mikey.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So I like to see through your BS Part as well, because of the fact that, like, a lot of the people I face, it's people I'm familiar with, and it's more so, like, I can work with their characters more than I see through it. And it's just vague enough that I can make that work. I like the idea of coming up with the fact that I have super strength. It would hard to do the backstory portion just because we don't talk about it too much, like. And anybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But what does super strength have anything to do with Spandex?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Oh, that's just my name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but you're Mikey Spandex, like, the junkyard dog. I don't want him to be like, I have nothing to do with junkyards. It's just my name because I have the copyright. I don't want to hear the Ultimate Warrior go, like, I wouldn't consider myself the Ultimate Warrior. I'm just a wrestler, but I'm a king of universe. You could know the name is. That's the big part of the thing. And Mikey Spandex, you know, it's got to be, like, your elastic man. You know what? It could be your Bones are made of, like, I don't even know what spandex is besides just tight clothes. Like, what's the upside of spandex? You know, like, your bones are made of spandex, but, you know, like, we need something like your Elastic Man.

[Kevin Bartelt]

You could like your fantastic Mr.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fantastic, but like Mikey Spandex. Do you see where. Do you see where I'm banging my head against the wall, Mikey or no.

[Oliver Raleigh]

See where you're going with it? And I feel like I need to work on my flexibility if I'm gonna have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, but. So where are you kind of thinking when you think of this character? Right, because what you were saying, which I liked, was you want to be like the superhero in their world, but we've got to connect it to the spandex.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Don't you think, in a sense we could.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or you just go grand Marshall.

[Oliver Raleigh]

The Grand Marshall part will probably stay too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What is a grand marshal? Is that like the head of a parade? Like what? Exactly. What's a grand marshal?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The head of the parade.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so what do you do, Mikey, that's better than other guys in the ring besides having those big old thighs?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Speed. I can move a lot faster than.

[Unknown Guest]

A lot of people.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And then one of the big things a lot of we talk about a lot is my engine. Like, I. I can go for like 20 plus minutes. Even more. My longest match was like an hour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so maybe part of your thing is you come out with an ass load of energy running around the room, and you're the grand marshal of speed. I don't know, man. I like.

[Jake Johnson]

I like this engine idea. What, what is your engine? Is that. Are those you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

His cardio. His cardio goes on forever.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, like my family, man.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, maybe. Well, if it's your engine, that sounds kind of mechanical, maybe you're part cyborg, you know, maybe that's like sort of part of your superhero.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's cool.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also really want to tap into these thighs, though. Don't you, Spandex?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, I always do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about. How about thunder thighs from the skies above? And like, you're a Greek God.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And like lightning from Zeus, put these thunder in your thighs and it makes you superhuman. You're faster than a regular man. You're the fastest man there ever was. You have more stamina than any man. But what you can do is. And then on each leg of your spandex, you get lightning bolts. Your signature move is you get someone's head in between your legs and you just Pop their head off.

[Jake Johnson]

Squeeze the foam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just squeeze their head while you're, like, flexing your biceps to the audience. And as you're doing it. Oh, here's what you do. While you're squeezing their head, you're pretending to be, like, getting electrocuted. Like, when your legs come together, it has, like, the electrical currency of lightning bolts. Because the. The lights in the place can go on and off. Like, you're with the electricity, and when you're. When you're about to get them, you can almost have, like, the light shut off for a second, and then everybody's exhausted but you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Bartelt]

You're Thor from the waist down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. What do you think of this idea? And part of the spandex, then is you're just the grand marshal. The grand marshal is the guy who leads the parade, and that is the parade of the new force of, like, God, like, characters of this league. And you are the first one, and that is Thunder Thighs. The next one could be another one that's like a Greek God.

[Oliver Raleigh]

That's not bad at all, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're talking.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I can play with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? There's something there. And then your.

[Unknown Guest]

Look.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine the lightning bolts. Imagine you running around when you got somebody in between the legs. You're shaking.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah. I have a new gear concept I'm working on in that that just gave me an idea, because I've been fighting around with the color forever, and you just gave me a really good idea for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the idea?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Just that. Lightning Baby Blue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ooh.

[Unknown Guest]

I didn't.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I didn't think of a color at all until now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what do you think about being Lightning Bolt Thunder Thighs, the Grand Marshal of the Skies?

[Kevin Bartelt]

I like that a lot.

[Oliver Raleigh]

That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Grand Marshal of the Skies.

[Unknown Guest]

That was the one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so that's your new name. And you are. You are from the heavens above. And what do you think about your signature move being squeeze those thighs?

[Oliver Raleigh]

So I already have a signature move that I use my legs for. So I. So I don't know how to describe it. Besides, it's like. It's a jumping leg drop, but it's while the person's standing, so I'm able to jump up to them, and I like. I straight vertically jump up to him.

[Kevin Bartelt]

What's cool? Sounds cool if you look it up.

[Unknown Guest]

It's called.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It's typically called the Rough Rider. I call it the Spandex Falls.

[Kevin Bartelt]

I like the idea of your spandex being your, like, superpower, too. Like, that's kind of Very fun to me as like a, you know, you're putting it on and you kind of become the Superman, the Thor as well. I think there's a lot of cool moving parts, too. You have a lot.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And I think that the idea, too, is that that's where the power comes from.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Yeah, exactly. I agree.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I like that a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, Spandex, you called in with a great question. I think we gave you some good pitches. So the question to you is, what are you going to do?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I think I'm going to. I might go with the. The Grand Marshal of the skies. I like. I like that idea.

[Jake Johnson]

That's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. Okay.

[Oliver Raleigh]

The lightning on the legs is a good design idea to work with that too, for my new gear. And I can. I can definitely up that like crazy. Once I get that done, I think we're golden.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, real quick. Can we just hear you, like, talk some shit as, like, a wrestler? Like, like, like, like talk to one of your opponents? I want to hear what the Grand Marshall disguised sounds like.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So if you want me talking shit, it's going to sound more heelish, but that's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool. Whatever. You're badass.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Is it okay if I talk shit to Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Yeah. He's not here.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Oh, so here. So this is. This is just hilarious. So I end up here on. We're here to help. I was expecting Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, and here I am. No Gareth. Like, what. What's. What's the problem here is are we just incompetent? We can't connect people? I thought we had Internet. We have Internet for a reason now. So why can't we just reach out to the guy and bring him in? Or is he too good? He thinks Florida is just nothing. It's a shit show. I have yet. I have yet to see a single show with Gareth Reynolds in Florida. I have been wondering. I've been on Gareth Reynolds.com regularly. Still nothing. And now he's ducking me. Now he's ducking me. So now I'm gonna have to go to the west coast myself and find Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotta say, it's very good. You. You're not a heel.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a good guy. You're a good guy.

[Unknown Guest]

I agree.

[Kevin Bartelt]

That was a nice way to put it, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Mikey Spandex. We appreciate the call, man.

[Kevin Bartelt]

You roll, dude. Thanks for calling in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, buddy. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by one of our favorite companies, and that's Doer. We all wear the Shirts. I wear the doer pants all the time. They are stretched denim which makes it look fancy but comfortable. I'm a big fan.

[Kevin Bartelt]

I wear the flannel today. Fan. It's so comfortable, especially as it's getting colder in the mornings right now. The flannel's awesome. And I love the pants too. Just a all around great product.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's a stretch. Denim and lifestyle apparel is built for doing covers everything we do in a day from work into traveling to relaxing. The clothing is made from plant based fabrics for natural breathability, softness and moisture absorption. They don't sacrifice comfort for style and quality. Dewar has it all.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, we love it. Okay, listen, it's time to level up your wardrobe with Dewar. Order yours today. Check out Dewar's flagship stores in LA or Denver or shop online [e-mail] Gil sent me. Right now our listeners get 20% off their first order when you use our exclusive URL shop d u e r.com Gil sent me. This deal is amazing. Let's bring them in for the end. All right, don't wait. Go now to get 20% off@shop doer.com Gill set me. What else is there? That was it. Ah, man. Really not getting a lot of lines.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Unknown Guest]

We are brought to you by Quince. Oh my lord. We've talked about it before. I love quints. I have a quince corduroy jacket. I have a quince shirt that is, that is blue with buttons. I love it. Okay. And it's a great way to find the perfect gift this holiday season. Anytime you want to make sure you give gifts that people want. And I will say, not only do I wear quints myself, I'm ordering quints as gifts for those that I love. It lets you treat your loved ones and yourself to true quality at an affordable price. Something everyone can have in their closet. They have sweaters, cashmere sweaters. They have super soft fleece and sweatpants. And so no matter what you are looking for, Quint Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They do this by partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman. Passes the savings on to you, puts you on the nice list this holiday season and the premium fabrics and finishes for the luxury feel in every piece. So don't listen to me. Don't listen to Kevin who hasn't spoken yet. Jake, you tell him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.com heretohelp for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q U I n c e.com heretohelp to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com heretohelp this episode is brought to you by maybe my favorite. Yeah, my favorite tasting sponsor, Herobread. Hero bread is the bread you love without the carbs. Just because it's summer doesn't mean you have to cut out all the carb heavy foods you love. And it's not summer, it's near. So what are your favorite hero products? Mine are just the regular sliced bread. I like the tortillas. I like the Hawaiian rolls. I am an everyday eater of hero bread because being from the Chicagoland area. Kevin, we are Sandwich guys had BLTs.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Over the weekend with hero bread. They were delicious. A friend was with us and even called out, this bread's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you don't. And you don't feel guilty?

[Kevin Bartelt]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

So keep the carbs out of this season without compromising flavor. With hero bread, get 10% off your order at Hero Co and use code help at checkout. That's help at H E R O Co. Hi. Hi there. Welcome to we're here to help America's number podcast. Don't look it up. Can we get your name and where you're calling from, please?

[Sarah]

Yeah, hi everyone, my name is Sarah and I'm calling from Maryland.

[Unknown Guest]

Sarah with an H or are we not doing the H?

[Sarah]

Where we at with an H without an H is wrong.

[Vic McCallis]

Huge classic.

[Unknown Guest]

I have found there's a lot of beef in the Sarah world over the H and not the H. The H's think they're better and the no H's think they're better.

[Vic McCallis]

Is this a big area of research for you?

[Unknown Guest]

I anecdotally am out there doing the people's minutia work often. Yes, you'll notice Sarah with an H. Good lord. That Jake is not here. In Jake's stead, we have the great Vic McCallis joining us. Who, I'll tell you is providing a lot of help today.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Michaelis. But Michalis is cool too.

[Unknown Guest]

Reenacting.

[Vic McCallis]

Hey, thank you, Kevin. I appreciate that. It's a quality. It's a quantity over quality. With me, I think I'm gonna throw a lot of things out there.

[Unknown Guest]

And what I like about your reenactments is that you go hard, you choose the character is flushed out is defined.

[Vic McCallis]

Point of view, for sure. Well, also, here's the thing is, like, I don't want you to. I would rather Give you the most intense possible situation because then you get there and you're like, oh, my God. Was not that bad.

[Unknown Guest]

It's like, I like this.

[Vic McCallis]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay, Sarah, what the hell is going on?

[Vic McCallis]

What the hell is happening?

[Unknown Guest]

For the love of God, what the hell is happening?

[Vic McCallis]

Tell us.

[Sarah]

Okay, well, so I've been dating my boyfriend for two years and.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Thank you.

[Sarah]

This past February, he sent a picture of seasonal Valentine's Day gnomes to our mutual friend group chat. I sent the pictures to Kevin and that one was captioned, don't tell Sarah, but I'm getting her a gnome for Valentine's Day. Notably, I don't like, want gnomes. This isn't the thing we've talked about. It was just a bit that he sent in the chat. Thing is, he's been sending pictures of gnomes in this chat and directly to me since February almost every single week. And so there's like been St. Patrick's Day gnomes, there's been Fourth of July gnomes. Literally all the gnomes you can think of. And the joke was, he was like, once I have disposable income, I'm going to start buying you gnomes. Good thing is we're both in school, so that hasn't happened yet. Until recently, he learned. He learned how to make like sock gnomes. So he made me two Halloween themed gnomes. Can we see those? Yep, there's a picture.

[Unknown Guest]

Oh, those are the ones he made. Oh, yeah.

[Vic McCallis]

They're good.

[Unknown Guest]

They are good.

[Sarah]

They're good. See, that's the problem because they were. They're very sweet.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Right.

[Unknown Guest]

So I can't eat them.

[Sarah]

I think it's like a wooden ball.

[Unknown Guest]

It looks like a knob.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Like a cabinet knob.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Vic McCallis]

A handle, if you will.

[Unknown Guest]

Handle, if you will. Okay, so now he can make them.

[Sarah]

Yeah. So this is a problem. So now I'm afraid that now that he has this knowledge and the skill set, that he'll just start making gnomes and giving me gnomes, which, again, I don't want. I never said I wanted them. This is just a bit that he has created. So my question for you is, how do I stop the nose?

[Vic McCallis]

Can I tell you my honest read on this situation?

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Vic McCallis]

Because you know how, like, when I feel like classically when moms are like, oh, that's a cute dolphin, and then everybody gets the mom dolphin stuff for the rest of her life until she dies and then they bury her in.

[Unknown Guest]

A dolphin casket, as is the want.

[Vic McCallis]

I am wondering if your boyfriend is trying to trick you into having A thing. That way it is like, oh, well, like. SARAH MOANS and then it's just like a thing that he can run to CVS for your birthday and anniversary every single year. And just, like, now it's your thing. That's my fear in this situation is that it's a bit. That's turned into a purpose.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, well, you know, he's doing what I do when it's. He's needling. It's fun. There's fun. He's having fun. And you not liking his fun makes it more fun.

[Sarah]

But here's the thing. Anytime I, like, point out, if I, like, point out a gnome, like, if I see one with him, I'm like, oh, look, there's a gnome. He's like, see, I told you. You like them.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, well, what are you doing pointing out gnomes.

[Vic McCallis]

Actively pointing out gnomes.

[Unknown Guest]

You should not be pointing out first. I mean, not to. I mean, just thought you should. You should not be bringing in more gnome chat.

[Rory]

Exactly.

[Sarah]

Exactly. I've learned not to do that.

[Unknown Guest]

No, that's not what you do to me. There's two paths. There is one where you just have to fully ignore it or you have to fight back and you have to retaliate with your own gnome. So you've got to, like, bring love that trolls to a gnome fight. Or you've got to find something like hubbles. Or you've got to find, like, maybe dream catchers. Like, you start overwhelming him and flooding his personal market with something that he would also find as a mild irritant, which is really what this is.

[Vic McCallis]

I think any of those things, though, would maybe be kind of charming based on this bit.

[Unknown Guest]

So I think, yeah, we might need that.

[Vic McCallis]

Something that would be. I'm thinking those signs that are like, it's wine o'clock somewhere. Or, yeah, my poodle didn't. I didn't rescue my poodle, my poodle rescued me. Like, those type of signs. Like, I think something that's going to be, like, kind of large and, like, obnoxious, that's off brand. That's going to be like.

[Unknown Guest]

We've also got to keep. We've got to keep budget in mind, but I think you can do that cheap. Yes. Or you can make them. I mean, there's a piece of wood and you write them, you know, like, you know, like, gnome is where the heart is. You could even make them gnome. But I like that. I like the annoying kind of home goodsy, Airbnb sort of neutral saying something without saying anything signs.

[Vic McCallis]

You know, those at HomeGoods. Those like the jars and cups, I can't remember the name of them where they. It's like it'll be a mug and just mug will be written on it in like kind of like scraggly handwriting is the only way.

[Sarah]

Like the Rae Dunn, Rae Dunn, Rae Dunn sign. Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

You know mugs. I'll tell you in. In the world of comedy, mugs and hoodies become my gnome every. And it's very nice and I do keep it all but mug wise I've had to be like we're done. I'm not. I can't. I get so many fucking mugs flooding him in the mug market. Could be you could be personalizing mugs at home, I bet and just buying a bunch of blank mugs and every time he gives you a gnome, give him a mug. Just could be a way to retaliate. That way you don't have to be looking for driftwood. But you could still kind of do these vacuous statements of nothingness on the mug. I don't know. So I to me fighting back is the way to do it in a similar. With a similar caliber. What do you think of that pitch, Sarah? Does that do anything for you?

[Sarah]

I'm definitely here for the retaliation. I like the idea of the mug but what should I put on them? Like I feel like I need something that's like. Like you said, really going to needle him back on the same level as the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Unknown Guest]

You've been with him for two years. Well, there's something, there's something to me and maybe. And I think this is to Vic's pitch. Maybe it is. Like I do like the idea of you having to come up with the most like simple minded shit. Like you know that to me is funny. But what you could also do is you could just write embarrassing things he said or done throughout your relationship on the mug just as a reminder.

[Kevin Bartelt]

I would hate that.

[Unknown Guest]

Like that would be annoying to highlight things that he's said or done that have embarrassed him or embarrassed you. Or you could also start grabbing pictures of him while he's sleeping. Sleeping. Like I have people sometimes take pictures like when I used to go on tour or when I go on tour with the Dollop. When we used to fly, I used to pass out on the plane and my buddy would always. I'd wake up when we'd land and I'd be like, Jesus Christ. 81 Comments. What the fuck? And it would be like a video of me with my mouth open and like my head like just an awful look. So you could start taking pictures of him while he's sleeping and just overload gross sleep face and start printing those on the mug.

[Vic McCallis]

Yeah, you could do that at Walgreens pretty cheaply if budget is a concern.

[Unknown Guest]

Stuff like that. That'll just kind of needle him a little more directly than the gnomes.

[Rory]

Okay.

[Vic McCallis]

And then it's something where, like, it's something that won't be embarrassing right off the gate. But then as soon as you have friends over and they're like, hey, can I have some, like, milk? Or whatever you're offering it, like, then you're handing it to them in these mugs. And eventually it's gonna be like, okay, maybe enough for the mugs.

[Unknown Guest]

But that opens up an interesting twist too, which is that these mugs could be going public. You could. Every time he gifts you a gnome, you gift someone in your friend world one of his sleep mug. Or like, like, I'm sure there's something that you're like, that annoys you directly about him with what he does. Like, he pisses around the. Like, you could take a picture of his piss around the rim of your toilet seat and, like, be like, all right, I'm going to give that to Charles and just let you know. Or like, oh, yeah, you clogged the drain because of shaving, you know. Or let me show people how you load the dishwasher. Like, your little gripes, you can have. You can take them mug public and be like, hey, here's what my husband, you know, so every time he gives you a gnome, you're going mug public.

[Sarah]

I like this. It's kind of a. I feel like I can ramp it up, like, sort of start. I like starting with the saying, because.

[Unknown Guest]

That'Ll be easier than, like a mode of his. That is stupid.

[Sarah]

Yeah, exactly.

[Unknown Guest]

We have too many.

[Rory]

Yeah.

[Vic McCallis]

Huge font.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

I'll definitely do the stupid things to start. And then, I mean, I assume he'll escalate back, so then I can escalate to photos or something a little more incriminating.

[Unknown Guest]

Sleep face followed by incriminating things, I think is a great direction for you.

[Sarah]

Okay. I really do like this.

[Vic McCallis]

I think that this is. I think that this is wonderful. And I. And. And again, Gareth, you give perfect advice. I am a fan of yours full time.

[Unknown Guest]

That's not true.

[Vic McCallis]

Personally.

[Unknown Guest]

And personally, that is not true.

[Vic McCallis]

No, you're wonderful in everything that you said.

[Unknown Guest]

You're greasing me up for, I would save my life. No, now it's going to be bad.

[Vic McCallis]

Go here's my other pitch.

[Unknown Guest]

Okay.

[Vic McCallis]

I love it because again, mugs were also committing to some. A little bit of money that we're investing in this.

[Unknown Guest]

Yes.

[Vic McCallis]

If gnomes become a thing. What I can. What my other recommendation would be is like, we can start murdering these gnomes in public settings. You know what I mean? What if we start beheading gnomes and sending those photos back? What if that ramps up? What if we're drowning gnomes? What if we got a gnome with a. With a knife to his head.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Fire a gnome on fire.

[Vic McCallis]

So we're sending these photos back with how we've murdered.

[Unknown Guest]

You could put a little bit of rope and a rock on a gnome and video yourself throwing it into the ocean or into a lake or something.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Sarah seems to really like this pitch.

[Unknown Guest]

Fake. Oh, yeah.

[Vic McCallis]

A little bit of peanut butter on the gnome's lips and an EpiPen joke just out of reach. I mean, like.

[Unknown Guest]

Or just the dog. Then a dog comes and ravages the gnome.

[Vic McCallis]

I love that. I think.

[Unknown Guest]

I think that's pretty good. I think. I think retaliating with the gnome murder is good. I think what it does is it keeps your. The gamesmanship specifically on the gnomes alive and you can just start killing his gnomes in great ways. I like that a lot, too. I mean, I think either way, you've got a couple different ways to modulate your retaliation. Yeah. So there's a couple options, Sarah, how do you feel about those and what do you think you're going to do?

[Sarah]

I think I'm going to start killing gnomes.

[Unknown Guest]

Great. I think that's a great pitch. I think it's really excited for this, to be honest. You can also start sharing that in the group with the other people and have other people pitch ways to kill the gnomes in the group. How do you want to see this piece of shit go?

[Vic McCallis]

A poll.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Electrocuting. Yeah. Yeah, right. Polls are great. Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of ways you can slice this gnome.

[Vic McCallis]

Is your partner Icelandic?

[Sarah]

No.

[Vic McCallis]

You're fine. Then. Then that. I think it's fine because that's. Is it in Iceland? Is that, like, gnomes are like real and that. So I'm like, that's maybe the only hiccup we're running into. But I think you're.

[Unknown Guest]

They also eat puffins, so we're not. Listen, that demo is.

[Rory]

Do they.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, I went there once and boy, oh, boy, I'll tell you. They serve puff and stew at gas stations. It's a wild land. Let Me tell you, I thought puffins were extinct. Well, they're working on it over in Iceland. They are firing on all cylinders to get that reality to come true.

[Kevin Bartelt]

We have this conversation every call about puffing stew.

[Unknown Guest]

Kevin's really good at editing out my puffin stuff, but HR I call it. But listen, this is. This is not going to turn into another one of my puffin poop preaches. They're valuable birds. They shouldn't be stewed. Iceland. We don't want you listening. Sarah, I think that's great. I think Vic hit a home run here. I think you really just got to start murdering the gnomes. And you can do it in so many fun ways. It's also just a great way to undercut the work he's putting into these things. Just see them drown or go up and smoke. So obviously we want to be included in how you kill the first gnome. So keep us posted and we look forward to you having a gnome free home soon.

[Sarah]

Thank you guys so much. I will definitely send you photo evidence of what happens to these gnomes.

[Unknown Guest]

We need it.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Can't wait.

[Vic McCallis]

Of course.

[Unknown Guest]

Thank you.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Thanks, Sarah.

[Unknown Guest]

Thanks, Sarah.

[Sarah]

Thank you.

[Vic McCallis]

Sarah with an H. Sarah with an.

[Unknown Guest]

H. Oh, and we are brought to you by Blue Nile. Listen, this time of year you look at back on a lot of amazing things and memories from the past year. Or maybe you're. You're thinking, hey, what the hell's going to go on in 2025? But if your plans in any way involve getting engaged with someone you love, let me tell you about blue nile.com. blue Nile is the original online jeweler since 1999. That's basically when interneting got invented. So if you go to bluenile.com you can create a bigger, more brilliant piece than you can even imagine at a price that you won't find anywhere else. Blue Nile offers a diamond price guarantee, which means that in most cases, they can either meet or beat a competitor's price. They're committed to ensuring the highest ethical standards, which is important. And they source the diamonds and all their jewelry so you can feel very good about what you're doing. Blue nile also offers 100% satisfaction guarantee. Now, you're probably saying, Garrett, that's all the satisfaction that can be guaranteed. You're right, it is. Okay. Free shipping and returns. They'll do repairs for life. I mean, what are you even doing? Okay, if you want to get engaged, just remember every Blue Nile order is insured. Arrives at packaging that won't give it away. It doesn't say like engagement ring inside. They can even be delivered overnight. So what are you waiting for? Let's do this right now.

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[Kevin Bartelt]

All right.

[Unknown Guest]

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[Kevin Bartelt]

They sent me a bunch. I've been using it. The dreams one's awesome. A great, like late night gummy to have. And I also like the elevate one. Kind of a nice afternoon focus one. And yeah, they, they sent a little variety pack and I've been dabbling with them and they're, they're really great. I really enjoy them.

[Unknown Guest]

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[Kevin Bartelt]

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[Unknown Guest]

Sleep. So this holiday season, gift yourself with some peace of mind. If you're 21 plus or older, check out the link via in our description and use the code here to help to receive 15 off after you purchase. They ask you where you heard about them. So listen to us and support our show and be like, we heard from. We're here to help. So do that. Use the promo code. We're here to help. No, here to help. Don't listen to me. I had some fire here to help this holiday season enhance your everyday with fire. And we are brought to you by the litter robot. Kevin. I've told Jake too how much I love the litter robot. It is one of those things that I now have and I genuinely am like, why didn't I do this sooner? Having a cat is an awesome experience. Having a cat's litter box is not an awesome experience. It's strange. It's, it's smelly. I one time moved out of my apartment and the landlord was like, oh, yeah, we're just charging you a fee in your security deposit to get the cat smell out. And I was like, cat smell? Yeah. You don't even know what you're walking around smelling like. Cat litter. But people literally have walked into my place and been like, where do you hide the litter box? And I'm like, it's right here in the living room. We put on a show, Jose and I. We're showman. He's in there doing it in front of everyone. The litter robot even has these two little lights that shoot down, so when he walks in, it's like entering a Stargate. But what the litter robot really does is it makes it so you do not need to stress over cleaning your cat's litter box anymore. And that is a big, annoying thing to have to do that every day. Your cat will use it. The litter robot, once the cat is out and has cleared the little device, it will rotate it and it puts all the used litter, the waste, in a little trap below. It's airtight. The smell does not get out. Once or twice a week, you just take that bag out, throw it in your trash, and you just replace the bag. Uses way less litter, and you do not have to. You don't even need that little scoopy thing anymore. So I love the litter robot. It truly has changed my relationship with my cat and the bathroom. And there's an app. Imagine getting a text at work letting you know that your cat went to, what, pee? Life is cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kevin Bartelt]

Hey, everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow up aired on September 19th. It's called I'm the biggest Daddy, and it is the second call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hello.

[Unknown Guest]

Hi there. Welcome back. We know that you've called the show before, but we don't know what your problem was and how it worked out. So will you give us an update, maybe tell us your name and what your first call was and then we'll get into it?

[Rory]

Yeah, for sure. So my name is Rory. I called in a couple months ago because I Was having issues with my husband coming too fast.

[Unknown Guest]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rory or Aaron. So sorry. That's my wife's name. Okay. And then Rory, what did we tell you to do again?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Rory]

So you had a couple suggestions. One of the first things, Jake, you told me to just, like, put on some movie called Cocoon and, like, see what that does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a bonus. That'll slow you down.

[Jake Johnson]

It was.

[Rory]

Yeah, I looked it up weird as you guys told me to, like, start.

[Unknown Guest]

Bringing pitch is amazing. I don't even remember. It's unfair that I don't remember that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, so Cocoon. And then what was the sec.

[Rory]

What else did we say to, like, bring up chores that I needed him to do during the middle.

[Unknown Guest]

During coitus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay. Okay, that's.

[Rory]

And then also to, like, make weird, like, character voices.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Unknown Guest]

I love that our pictures are all ruined sex for him, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That way, if the. The premise is how do we get him to last longer.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I'm having sex and I'm seeing those guys jumping in the pool for Cocoon and getting, you know, new life.

[Unknown Guest]

While she's going, like, we need a new recycling bin, and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, While she's going, we need a new recycling beat. I'm gonna go like, you just turned me into Sting. I can go for 12 hours. Okay, so what. What happened? Walk us through it. What'd you do?

[Rory]

Yeah, sadly, we did not play Cocoon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mistake.

[Rory]

Sorry. I tried at first to, like, just kind of bring up the tasks. I had originally emailed Shark and was like, oh, we're good to go. But I think it was. It was premature because it worked for, like, the first week or two, and then we kind of had to reassess bring.

[Unknown Guest]

Bringing up chores.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, hold on. Walk. You're jumping too fast. Just because you and Shark are emailing doesn't mean we know the audience doesn't know.

[Unknown Guest]

So congratulations on your side hang.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I hope you guys had a lot of weird texts about your sex.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah. Way to do the show via email. Jake and I are in the dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And also so was the shark. When he read the email, I was.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Asking for more advice.

[Unknown Guest]

Slower.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did it work? Please help. Just married.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Need to know asap.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Disappointed.

[Unknown Guest]

Sweet God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So walk us through what happened. So you started talking chores during sex.

[Rory]

And so I started. And he was kind of just like, what? I said, oh, you know, like, the. The towel bar, like, it needs to be fixed. He's like, why are you bringing. What do you mean? I said, yeah. He's like, are You. Is something wrong? I was like, you will. No, like, this is fine. Like, let's keep going. But, like, the towel bar, we just got to make sure we get that done. And he just, like, looked at me. He's like, are you okay? Sure, I'll get that done. Can you, like, finish what we're doing? And I was like, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, we can finish. Just want to get that out there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then a second later, he's like, I'm finished. Ready for the bathroom?

[Unknown Guest]

All right, which towel bar was it, the guest or ours?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want me to fit? And I can do the towel bar.

[Unknown Guest]

The towel bar is ready to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so he said, do you want me to finish? But it didn't quite go the way you wanted because he was really weirded out.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, he was.

[Rory]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then so I was like, okay, maybe that's not gonna work. Because after he was like, were you not enjoying it? Like, you could just say we could stop if you ended, like, no, that's not what it was. And it kind of just went a direction of, like, I'm thinking I didn't want to have sex at the moment. So we got it.

[Sarah]

We stopped.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, you guys stopped midway through?

[Rory]

No, no, no. After we finished, he was like, talk about that. That was weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I gotcha. Okay. And you did not say you talk to a podcast.

[Rory]

Not. No, not yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, good.

[Rory]

I was just like, oh, like, no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a true scientific experiment now. I appreciate you taking it seriously. Okay, then what happened?

[Rory]

Of course. Of course. Anything for science. So the next couple times, I kind of just, like, put it to the side, and then it was quick. And then so after I called in, so we just kind of, you know, the next couple times is normal, like, just happened fast. We. I didn't try the things to expand it because I was a little.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah.

[Rory]

Thrown off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rory]

But after I called in, I was like, we should start rewatching New Girl. Because I just, like, obviously talking to you guys, I was like, let's start rewatching. So we've been rewatching, and obviously there's a lot of funny things that are said in the show. So I got a little drunk. And the next time I was like, I'm just going to say some things. So I just started saying surfboard. Riding on that surfboard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, surfboard. I thought you said. I thought you said. You said, so board.

[Unknown Guest]

So bored.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was like, don't say so bored.

[Unknown Guest]

So bored.

[Rory]

So bored.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Oh, yeah, surfboard. Okay. So while having sex you started doing Nick Miller doing Beyonce, saying surfboard. And how did that. He came right away. He said, I've never. I've never had a hard hair orgasm. And then you're calling in to go, I made a big mistake.

[Unknown Guest]

Oopsie, oopsie.

[Rory]

We can only have sex watching you, girl now. So. So he was again, just like, what the fuck? And I was like, no. Like, we're just going. And then we stopped, and I kind of just threw it in a couple seconds later, like, sorry, I just. I just have new girl on my mind. And then we finished, and I was like, I. I have to. He's like, what is happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But did it go Just before we get to the talk you're about to have with him, while saying things like surfboard. Surfboard. And him saying things like, what are you doing? Technically, it did expand the intercourse.

[Rory]

Yes. Because he did stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No one's excited about how it happened. But the time. If it's the time got.

[Unknown Guest]

Which is all we're trying to do.

[Rory]

Which is right.

[Unknown Guest]

Look, 30 seconds is a lifetime to this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We didn't say, you're gonna have the best sex of your life. We said we could try to make it a little bit longer.

[Unknown Guest]

It's like a monkey paw.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right? That's all.

[Rory]

This has a happy ending.

[Unknown Guest]

Our for him, probably.

[Rory]

So then around this time, the episode had came out.

[Unknown Guest]

Podcast, Right?

[Rory]

Your episode. Yes, of the podcast came out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Rory]

So I was like, this isn't working. I'm. So then I just. We were. He was making dinner one night, and I just put it on the TV and we watched it on YouTube. I didn't tell him what we were doing. And I just like, oh, there's a new episode of we're here to help. Let's listen. And then he hears my voice and immediately goes, what the fuck? Immediately realized it was me life moment for him.

[Unknown Guest]

Especially if you're just like, this is about how fast I come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're totally right. He's sitting there, like, flipping a tortilla, and he's like, the fuck did you do?

[Unknown Guest]

Just talk to me. You call them back and tell me that I don't finish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, welcome to.

[Unknown Guest]

We're here to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How can you help? Hey, my name's Aaron. I'm married to a guy whose body looks like a toddler. And when he fucks. It's gross.

[Unknown Guest]

Hi, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honey.

[Unknown Guest]

He starts putting moves on me, like arm bars and things like that. And he says, dan, in the garage, let him do that. But that's his Weird dummy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it normal for a man to smell like weird meatloaf mixed with chili when he sweats? Honey, stop it.

[Unknown Guest]

He always has taco seasoning on his fingers. Is that normal?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he never uses tacos.

[Unknown Guest]

But he's never made tacos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so you play it for him. He's in the kitchen, weirded out. Then what happens?

[Rory]

And then he was like, oh, okay, I'm understanding now why you were being weird as hell.

[Unknown Guest]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Rory]

And so then this is why I was like, yeah, I didn't know what I was like, yeah, Like, I just. I had to try something, you know, I thought it would be. I thought it would be funny. And so then it just turned into, like, old fashioned shame. And he was like, oh, shit. Like, this many people think I'm bad at sex. And so now before, like every once in a while before we would have sex, after that, he'd be like, are you gonna do weird? Like, are you gonna do the weird they told you to do on the podcast? And I said, I'm not if you last long enough. And then he started lasting long enough because he didn't want to do weird and he didn't want to be embarrassed publicly.

[Unknown Guest]

So ring the bell.

[Rory]

Because I told him. I was like, I. Well, I'm gonna call back for a follow up. I want to give the guys good news, but I will tell them if it didn't work. And so then it. I think that worked. Like the threatening. The threatening of, embarrass of. So I think it's a win. I think it's a win.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So let's be honest now and don't think about him listening to this follow up. Let's be honest.

[Rory]

Hey, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So when you guys would have sex before the call, the average time of sex was three to five minutes.

[Unknown Guest]

Jake, stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One to two.

[Rory]

Like a minute and a half to two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, three to five. Three to five deep.

[Unknown Guest]

Fives Ds. Buddy, I don't know what you're doing over there. Fives Ds. We can't go long. Five. Five minutes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fives D says five Ds. So now with the threats of public embarrassment and him not wanting you to do weird voices or talk about chores, what are we. What are we looking at? Numbers wise as a man of science.

[Rory]

We'Re like, at a solid baseline of like 7.

[Unknown Guest]

7.

[Gareth Reynolds]

7'S above average.

[Unknown Guest]

7'S good. 7's good. If anything, too long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So how. And how do you feel?

[Rory]

Seven or longer?

[Gareth Reynolds]

How do you feel like a baseline of 7.

[Rory]

It's been great because, like, I just. This changed. This call changed our life. So we, like, we actually do more things now. Different positions, different places.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How many positions can you get into in 40 seconds?

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, we do this one called the Towel Rack where he begs me and I screw the towels in.

[Rory]

That's how the dollar log broke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So now you guys are moving around and trying some stuff, and he's liking it.

[Unknown Guest]

Well, there's time. If you're doing it on the couch.

[Rory]

We'Re doing it in the kitchen.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, there's time.

[Rory]

It's just starting.

[Unknown Guest]

You can do the flips. It's helpful, right?

[Rory]

You guys have really opened up our sex life.

[Unknown Guest]

And I mean, that is. And by the way, we should point out. And we're really glad that you're on the call, Rory, because when we ring the bell, when we have a winner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'S the first time we've actually. It doesn't make a sound.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, it's probably too loud for the mic. Can you hear it over here? No, it's ringing. Just imagine a bell ringing. It'll. It'll be in the episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our bell doesn't ring.

[Unknown Guest]

It rings. It's just the mic. It's the mic issue.

[Kevin Bartelt]

The zoom is cutting it out, but.

[Unknown Guest]

The case, too loud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is humiliating. We have a bell that doesn't ring.

[Unknown Guest]

And we should thank the Caddyshack who made us this bell. Pretty cool cat rescue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is good news. We appreciate the call. We hope you continue to have sex for seven plus minutes and it all seems very positive.

[Unknown Guest]

Do you want me to tell my mother just walked by. She state, should I tell my mother the update real quick?

[Rory]

Absolutely. I think she does.

[Unknown Guest]

Mom, Rory's husband is having sex longer because of our podcast. Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Appreciate the call.

[Unknown Guest]

Thanks, Rory.

[Rory]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is hosted by.

[Unknown Guest]

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

[Kevin Bartelt]

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon.

[Unknown Guest]

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiyo, and our video editor is John de Bruyne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you could check out his [e-mail] that's Oliver R A L L I.

[Unknown Guest]

The album artwork is by James Fosdike. You can find him on Instagram at James Fosdike D I K E. And if you'd like to see me do standup on the road, go to garethreynolds.com.

[Kevin Bartelt]

Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram. @pady holland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our [e-mail] heretohelpod.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpful [e-mail].

[Unknown Guest]

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.