138: Scoop Your Heart Out

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" - Episode 138: "Scoop Your Heart Out"

Hosts:

• Jake Johnson (known for roles in New Girl and Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse)
• Gareth Reynolds (co-host of The Dollop)

Release Date: December 9, 2024

We're Here to Help features Jake and Gareth, long-time friends with a penchant for humor, stepping into the role of amateur advisors. Each episode tackles a variety of caller-submitted dilemmas, ranging from the hilariously trivial to the poignantly serious. In Episode 138, titled "Scoop Your Heart Out," the hosts navigate through several unique cases, offering their best (and often amusing) advice.

---

1. Caller: Gabby - The Accidental Ice Cream Expert

Timestamp: [07:00] - [21:18]

Issue: Gabby, a marine biologist from Florida, reaches out with an unusual predicament. Six months post-breakup with her ex-boyfriend, she's reconnecting with him, which leads to an unexpected offer from his father to help train employees at a new ice cream shop's grand opening. The twist? Gabby had drunkenly promised her expertise in ice cream scooping during a blackout at a recent Oktoberfest event, but she has no recollection of making such an offer.

Discussion & Advice:

• Jake: Encourages Gabby to embrace her ice cream scooping skills genuinely by showing up prepared and dedicated. Suggests dressing appropriately and letting her work speak for itself to mitigate awkwardness.

  Jake Johnson [12:06]: "So you could drive the hour and scoop some ice cream."

• Gareth: Offers moral support, highlighting the positive outcome of Gabby's approach.

• John Gabris (Co-host): Emphasizes the importance of defining the relationship dynamics and assessing the true intent behind the offer.

Conclusion: Gabby decides to take Jake and Gareth's advice. She attends the grand opening, meticulously performs her duties, and ends up strengthening her relationship with her ex, who begins to show renewed interest.

Gabby [21:18]: "I did, in fact, make it to the grand opening... it was a win."

---

2. Caller: Caleb - The Overzealous Storyteller

Timestamp: [26:21] - [36:50]

Issue: Caleb from Michigan contacts the hosts regarding his newborn daughter's nighttime routine. His wife reads bedtime stories with excessive enthusiasm, incorporating complex phrases and animated tones that Caleb fears might overstimulate their baby as she grows.

Discussion & Advice:

• Oliver Raleigh: Jokingly suggests that Caleb might dislike his wife, but delves into the importance of communication.

  Oliver Raleigh [27:48]: "It already feels nitpicky to me. I think you hate your wife, if I'm being honest."

• Jake: Reiterates the necessity of a balanced approach, advising Caleb to participate more actively in the storytelling to set a calm example.

  Jake Johnson [33:22]: "Just go for it and scoop your little heart out."

• Gareth & John: Provide lighthearted encouragement, underscoring the challenges of new parenthood.

• Role-Play Segment: The hosts and Caleb engage in a mock conversation to illustrate effective communication strategies, blending humor with practical advice.

Conclusion: After the discussion, Caleb feels more confident in addressing the issue with his wife, aiming to find a harmonious balance in their storytelling approach to benefit their daughter's development.

---

3. Follow-Up Call: Emma - The Baby Jesus Christmas Compilation

Timestamp: [41:28] - [62:58]

Issue: Emma returns to update the hosts on her previous call about her mother's unconventional Christmas photo projects featuring her infant son as Baby Jesus. Despite receiving advice to create boundaries and introduce humorous elements to deter her mother's wild ideas, Emma reveals that her mother continues with her elaborate and humorous interpretations, leading to humorous yet baffling family dynamics.

Discussion & Advice:

• Emma's Update: Shares that despite previous counsel, her mother persists in shooting extravagant Christmas photos, leading to mixed reactions from family members.

• Hosts' Reaction:

  • Jake: Attempts to process the absurdity, humorously suggesting mass distribution of the photos to introduce eclecticism.

    Jake Johnson [45:21]: "That thing needs to travel. That's something somebody wants to find in like a suitcase on the beach in four years."

  • Oliver & Gareth: Continually highlight the surreal nature of the situation, maintaining a comedic tone.

• Additional Caller Interaction: Emma brings a friend to clarify the misunderstanding about the characters involved in the photo incident, further amplifying the comedic confusion.

Conclusion: Emma embraces the chaos, expressing amusement despite the bizarre nature of her mother's projects. The hosts commend her for maintaining a lighthearted perspective, concluding the segment with laughter and well-wishes.

Emma [51:07]: "Every holiday I did get a text update saying thoughts and she added a glitter halo."

---

4. Caller: Ara - The Disneyland Kidnapping Misconception

Timestamp: [51:20] - [62:58]

Issue: Ara from Brooklyn recounts a childhood experience at Hong Kong Disneyland where she believes she was almost kidnapped by what she thought was Goofy. Decades later, upon reviewing photos, she discovers that it was actually Pluto, leading to confusion about the authenticity and humor of her story.

Discussion & Advice:

• Jake & Hosts: React with disbelief and amusement, questioning the nature of the "kidnapping" incident and the father's role during the event.

  Jake Johnson [53:01]: "What the fuck?"

• Oliver Raleigh: Attempts to ground the situation, suggesting that Ara might have misunderstood the playful nature of the character's actions.

• Gabby: Provides comedic relief, affirming Ara's humor and resilience.

• Hosts' Pitch: Mock-serious advice is given, blending absurdity with practical suggestions, such as encouraging Ara to continue sharing her story humorously.

Conclusion: Ara clarifies the misunderstanding with the help of a friend, acknowledging the blend of humor and slight trauma in her recounting. The hosts celebrate the resolution with laughter, emphasizing the importance of perspective and family dynamics.

Gareth Reynolds [60:32]: "This went exactly like I wanted. And it's our best call."

---

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson:

  "She's doing the best she has. You can't judge it." [15:11]

• Gareth Reynolds:

  "That is such a Florida story." [17:32]

• Oliver Raleigh:

  "I think you're in a good spot here." [20:35]

• Caleb:

  "So when she's older, it's not as big of a problem." [30:03]

• Emma:

  "Every holiday I did get a text update saying thoughts and she added a glitter halo." [51:07]

---

Episode Highlights:

• Humorous Problem-Solving: The hosts excel at turning unconventional problems into laugh-out-loud scenarios while still offering genuine advice.

• Engaging Callers: Each caller brings a unique and entertaining situation that keeps the audience engaged and amused.

• Dynamic Interactions: The chemistry between Jake and Gareth, complemented by occasional guest interactions, adds depth and humor to the episode.

• Effective Advice: Despite the comedic undertones, the hosts provide thoughtful advice, balancing humor with empathy.

---

Conclusion: Episode 138 of We're Here to Help combines humor, heartfelt advice, and engaging storytelling to navigate through the quirky and heartfelt issues presented by callers. Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds demonstrate their unique ability to connect with listeners, offering support wrapped in laughter, making it a memorable addition to their podcast series.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

And we are back. Oh yes, on a glorious Monday.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, December. We're getting close.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you guys doing for Christmas?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Shark, what do you got?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm going to be in Pittsburgh for a couple days and then my parents are going to be in San Diego so doing a lot of traveling, which I don't like to do.

[Jake Johnson]

But, but, but it's just. Are you flying from Pittsburgh to San Diego or just coming here and driving?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Coming here and driving.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a beautiful drive. I know that part will be nice and there shouldn't be. This will be my first like LA Christmas so I can experience the like non traffic that I've that I've heard about.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the best.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It makes you really sad when it ends. Like I remember my first Christmas in LA where I was like, oh, this town is tolerable.

[Jake Johnson]

I loved it.

[Oliver Raleigh]

This is a much better place when you just take half the people away. What do you do? Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

We're we're going to be here in LA and then we're doing Last August we went to New York for a little family vacation and the kids loved it so we're just going to San Fran. We're going to do like a American City 4 day. Just do everything you can in the big city.

[Oliver Raleigh]

That's a good little tradition.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what we're. I mean, I did not expect them to like New York as much as they did.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So now we're stepping out of the world of like a Disney resort or this resort. That's truly very boring.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, resorts after you've had your ninth drink, you're like, three more days of doing the same, seeing the same bodies in the pool.

[Oliver Raleigh]

That's your ninth drink.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, well, I've done it. I don't need another three days of drinking by this pool. So now we're doing cities. We're going to go to Alcatraz. We're going to do a bunch of stuff.

[Oliver Raleigh]

That's good. Put the fear in them. That's good. Put the fear in them.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's the whole point of the trip. You don't do what I say, you're going to end up on this goddamn island.

[Oliver Raleigh]

You know it's not shut forever. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Open it.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm just going to hang out with my mother. My mother is going to be here and we're just going to hang out.

[Jake Johnson]

Mom's coming in?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Is your brother in town too?

[Oliver Raleigh]

My brother's going to England the day after, so we'll probably see him for a minute. But then I'm just gonna cook dinner over the place and just hang out. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And how's mom's hip?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hip is good. Just had the M.O. surgery. Did I tell you about that?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, the MO surgery. The skin cancer surgery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's if you ever want like a Three Stooges surgery.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, it's a Jake's like, that's what I gave Larry. I. It's a real good testament to how much you should wear sunblock. But she's doing very well. She's the best. She.

[Kevin Bartel]

We.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I went through her step counter the other day.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

My mother walks every day. Let's say like her hip surgery was so crazy. Her, she, without even thinking about it, is walking 12 miles every day.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Miles regularly every day. Like it's nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's psychotic. It's very impressive, but.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So we wish everyone a happy holiday and our gift to you this whole month is delicious.

[Jake Johnson]

Two calls and a follow up.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Two calls, no follow up. Save. Shit.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to, I want to preface this one. The end of this one has the goofy, the insane one.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So this one.

[Jake Johnson]

What's the goofy one.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Jake, remember the most. Kevin's 10 is not like our 10.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Kevin's 10 is probably our 4. But Kevin rattled. That's this.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my gosh. This was the craziest one we've done.

[Oliver Raleigh]

This call is only good because of what Kevin expects and what ends up happening, which is just the miscommunication.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't you. Why don't you set it up, Kevin?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. So someone emailed in saying that they were, like, accidentally kidnapped by Goofy, and it. It was kind of set up like this very silly prank set up with. With a dad that kind of like, went awry at, like, Disneyland, I think. And her friend had always heard the story a certain way. And so I was really excited because, like, the friend was going to come on and we had some great guests, too. And I was like, oh, this will be really fun and. Fun, silly and stuff. And like a nice little twist at the end. And it just so quickly, so hard. Went off the rails. I just. I feel like I watched a plane take off that. I was like, that was. But that's not the point. We're on the right plane.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this is our most off the rails call we've ever done.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, we really, I mean, we've said it before. Like, most calls, I would say 80% were like, that was good. Like, there's somewhere. We're like, that's a home run. That was incredible. This call was one where we only enjoyed it because of how little Kevin enjoyed it.

[Jake Johnson]

And we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We kept it shorter, too. I, like, I edited it down, but we've done maybe 350 calls. This is the only one where I was, like, in complete shock after it ended and she emailed and was like, that was so fun. Thanks. So, like, it's all good, but it was just truly stunning.

[Oliver Raleigh]

What's the last reply to that email?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I just said, like, thanks so much and just kept it nice. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, everybody enjoy the show.

[Gabby]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[Gabby]

Hi, my name is Gabby.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Gabby. How you doing?

[Gabby]

I'm great. How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. So the Garf man is not here because he's doing standup in Alaska, but he and his cat send his love. The shark is here. And the man who wrote the theme song for our show, we're here to help. Mr. Oliver Raleigh is here with us. Gabby.

[John Gabris]

Hey, Gabby. What's up?

[Gabby]

Hello. How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

You've got an insider's meat and potato. We're here to help. Call. So, Gabby, where are you calling from?

[Gabby]

I am calling from Florida.

[Jake Johnson]

Florida. And what's something about you that you find interesting that we could maybe just hear about before we get started?

[Gabby]

I am a marine biologist.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Wow.

[John Gabris]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Marine biologist. And what can we do for you today?

[Gabby]

Okay, so my ex boyfriend and I broke up about six months ago, and we've recently got back into contact, but things have been a little bit weird. And last weekend, the town that we live in had an Oktoberfest. And while I was there, I ran into this ex boyfriend and his family while I was drinking with my friend. I talked to his dad and his dad's girlfriend for a while about the new ice cream shop that they're opening up. And I was excited for them because I worked at an ice cream shop for my first job when I was in, like, high school and college. Unfortunately, at some point during our conversation, the drinking really hit me, and I don't really remember the rest of what I said to them until the next day. I got a text from his dad saying that they really want to take me up on my offer to help them train their employees because of my ice cream scooping expertise before their grand opening this weekend. I unfortunately don't remember offering to help, and I had to tell them at first that I couldn't help because the ice cream shop is over an hour away from where I live, and I have a 9 to 5 job, so I physically couldn't make it. But all week, my ex has been telling me that they're running into a lot of problem, and the grand opening is supposed to be tomorrow, so I'm wondering if this is in real time.

[Jake Johnson]

It's. So the. The grand opening is actually tomorrow. Saturday. We're doing this on a Friday night. You got drunk and. Okay, Gabby, this is a wild one. And you're. So. You're nine to. It's. By the way, it's a really great setup. So you're nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did a great job explaining it, too.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, you did that like a marine biologist. I respect it.

[Gabby]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is interesting, Gabby. So you're nine to five, meaning you are free on Saturday?

[Gabby]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So you could drive the hour and scoop some ice cream.

[Gabby]

Yes, I totally could. And they invited me to the opening.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, now let me ask you a question, because neither you, us, or the audience knows what you said to them that night because you blacked out. And I will say, from your vibe, that's a shock.

[Gabby]

It is. It is. Actually, I did not mean to do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Is this something that happens a lot? Are You a once every two month blackouter or is this like a you cannot believe you blacked out because it changes how we're going to give advice.

[Gabby]

It's an I cannot believe I blacked out. And I think I did because I was so nervous to have to be talking to my ex boyfriend's family again.

[Jake Johnson]

Understood. And how long were you with this exact.

[Gabby]

About a year.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so it was pretty heavy.

[Gabby]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So your anxiety's on top of you. You're skyrocketing. You're seeing the ex family, you're freaking out. One drink makes you feel good. Two makes you feel better. Three, you're getting loose, and then all of a sudden things start getting hazy, and the next thing you know, you told them you're a great ice cream scooper.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yes, exactly.

[John Gabris]

Real quick, this is what I want to figure out. First and foremost, what is the relationship between you and your ex? Like, do you want to get back together with him? Is he a scumbag? Is he cool? Like. Like, what do you. What do you feel like? What do you want out of this relationship that you have with this guy?

[Gabby]

That's tough. He's cool and we're friends and we have a lot of mutual friends. So we have a pretty complicated relationship.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gabby]

And that's kind of part of the problem is that we are kind of, you know, trying to figure out where we stand, and then I go ahead and offer my ice cream scooping services to his dad and complicate everything.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the first time that sentence has ever been muttered. I would say in the history of human beings, in the history of communication.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, okay, that makes sense. So you. Let's give this guy a name. Gabby. What do you want to call him? And it could be fake, obviously.

[Gabby]

Um, let's call him Joe.

[Jake Johnson]

Joe. Okay. So you and Joe, you broke up, but you kind of are connected. You're connected to this group. Here's my question to you. What's your skill level with ice cream scooping?

[Gabby]

So I worked at an ice cream shop for six years. That was my first job.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so you're great.

[John Gabris]

You're good, you're good.

[Gabby]

Yeah, I'm really good at it. And I love the job. I talk about it a lot.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I would have killed to have over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Been a fly on the wal.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Olive.

[Jake Johnson]

I scooped the out of this ice cream.

[John Gabris]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

A blacked out, nervous woman talking about how good she is at scooping ice cream and then saying like, I'll fucking be there. I'll be there.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. No wonder the dad is like, hey, we really, really need somebody to scoop ice cream. Of course they can find somebody else. They want you the best. That's the deal. They want Gabby, the six years, the best in the business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Michael Jordan of ice cream scooping.

[Jake Johnson]

So I got a. I got a question, Gabby, and it's going to seem like I might be going in the wrong direction here, but is there any reason that you would want Joe to feel a little bit like I let the best get away?

[Gabby]

Maybe a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Because there is one move, and that is you go in there and with some sort of vibe, with, like, your hair pulled back, overalls ready to rock, you see Joe's dad and you go, oh, I'm here to help my man. You get in there and you scoop the. Out of that ice cream. You scoop that ice cream. You go back to those six years, nearly 1500 days of scooping like a marine. Like a marine biologist. And you scoop in ways that you have never scooped. It's almost like you're paying tribute to all those days. There's this great book, A Prayer for Owen Meaney, where this little guy keeps doing something, he doesn't know why. And then finally, in the end, he knows why. All those years of practice scooping is for this, for tomorrow. For tomorrow, you have the chance to do the best ice cream scooping in the history of the world. So that Joe's dad afterwards walks up to his son, says, successful day, and he goes, yes, son. And then he punches his son in the face and goes, you left the best girl in the whole world escape. You're an idiot.

[Gabby]

I love that.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, what do you think? Because look, you can do either. We could come up with excuses where you say you got sick. You. I'll pretend to be Gareth. You pretend that you smashed your hand in something and you got hurt. So you send a video with a fake bandage to Joe and you say, send this to your dad. I got hurt. I can't do it. But I'm really leaning. You just go for it and scoop your little heart out. Be the best ice cream scooper you have ever been. Let it be an out of body experience. Stay sober and just go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm.

[John Gabris]

I'm stuck on a detail here, Jake. It was. It was the. The father punching the sun and telling.

[Jake Johnson]

Him that you let her go.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, that's. That's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[John Gabris]

That's stark, man. That's really.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'll tell you.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, please, I want to hear it. I want to hear it.

[Jake Johnson]

You imagine Our kids, Oliver. You got kids?

[John Gabris]

I got kids.

[Jake Johnson]

You imagine one of them meets somebody and you go, this one's a fucking winner. You got it? Then they let it slip through their fingers. Then the one that slipped through comes back on a grand opening of your store and is so great that you're like, how could. This was perfect. You've got gold right here, Joe, and you blew it. And just. That adds a little bit of piss and vinegar to a victory.

[John Gabris]

Yeah. But still no punching. I couldn't imagine being like, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear what you're saying. Look, I got daughters. That's why I thought punching. But, Gabby, where are you at here?

[Gabby]

I like that idea. To be honest, I was kind of leaning towards going to the opening to begin with just because I want them to do well. And I think it would be cool to see it, but I was just a little bit nervous because it's my ex, and my friends kind of told me not to go.

[Jake Johnson]

But so, Gabby, here's what I would do. I would go and I would wear, like, a headband and a wristband. And I mean this, seriously. I wouldn't go dress, like, kind of nice, but not like, you want to get dirty. I would go in clothes that's ready to get ice cream on it the way you did when you worked. You are not going to socialize in small talk and be supportive. And when you get there and Joe's dad goes like, oh, Gabby, you're such a sweetheart. Like, no, no, no, you don't have to go, oh, I'm here to work. And you go, I love doing this. I know how to do it. I want to help support you. And, you know what you want in return? Nothing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drive off into the sunset.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. At the end of the great day, everyone says thank you, and you go, thank you. And just wait for him to just punch his son in the face. And you drive out of there. As there goes Gabby. There she goes. The family fighting in an ice cream shop as Gabby drives off towards the ocean to go look at whales. And all the kids are just looking.

[John Gabris]

Around, ice cream smelling.

[Jake Johnson]

They just watch it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is such a Florida story.

[Jake Johnson]

And so what do you think about what do you think, Gabby? About dressing up, ready to work? Because if you go there in, like, a cute skirt and you're looking all nice, you know, they might feel like, oh, she's just coming to say hi. And the transition to scooping might be weird. And then you drove an hour for 15 minutes of small talk. You buy a cone, say, congrats, and leave that to me is a waste of time.

[Gabby]

Agreed.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you gotta go there and buy what you're wearing and your vibe. I would even consider having, like, a little bartender's towel on your shoulder so that when you're walking in, you just go right behind the counter.

[Gabby]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver, is that wrong?

[John Gabris]

No. Well, Gabby, I want to know. Because earlier, Gabby, at one point you said all your friends are telling you not to do it. So I wonder what's. What's. What are they saying? You know, like, why. Why are they saying that?

[Jake Johnson]

That's fair.

[Gabby]

They're kind of just wondering why I'm talking to him again, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

And I mean, so.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So am I.

[Jake Johnson]

To be honest, I feel the same.

[John Gabris]

I'm wondering why, too. Like, what do you want to be with this dude? Like, is he worth it?

[Gabby]

I don't know. I mean, it's a small town, so I see him around a lot, so I at least want us to be on good terms.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, they have mutual friends.

[Gabby]

Yeah, actually, one of my best friends is dating his brother, so that makes it very complicated.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Gabs, why'd you break up? What happened?

[Gabby]

We just were at different points in our lives, I think.

[Jake Johnson]

And you're a marine biologist. His dad owns an ice cream shop.

[Gabby]

Exactly. You know, it normally wouldn't mesh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Romeo and Juliet.

[John Gabris]

It's the marine biologists and the ice cream guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, it's a tale as old as time.

[John Gabris]

Yeah, we do not mix. We two people do not mix.

[Jake Johnson]

And so you guys just kind of broke. But for you, your friends are saying, don't do this again because you're not together. And you're saying, I'm not doing it because I want to be together. You're doing this. But let's be clear of what this is. Because you got blackout drunk and you made a promise.

[Gabby]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I'll say.

[Gabby]

And I stand by my promises.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly. I'll tell you what. If you said to me, you take away the blackout drunk and the promise, and if you said, my ex boyfriend's dad is opening up an ice cream shop, I'm a great scooper. Should I surprise them and go, the advice is going to be no.

[Gabby]

Yeah, right.

[Jake Johnson]

You throw into that. That. That soup. You got blackout drunk and promised it and most likely talked a lot about how good you are at scooping, and the advice is, drive the hour and scoop your little heart out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the context of this makes it okay where it really does not make you seem weird. It's not like a Thursday where you had to ask your boss if you could take off, work. You work nine to five on Friday. You're gonna swing by Saturday, scoop some ice cream, say hi, and go back.

[Jake Johnson]

And I totally agree.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you're in a good spot here.

[Gabby]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, the other thing that we could pitch if you want. Another thing is ways to not go unless you want to go.

[Gabby]

I think I kind of want to go now. I think I need to assert my scooping dominance.

[Jake Johnson]

So please, just go, see what happens. Say yes to the adventure, scoop your ass off, and then as soon as you leave and you get in the car, I'm truly. As a favor, get right on your voice notes and your phone and don't edit yourself. Just ramble.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Gabby]

Okay. Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You rule, Gabby. Best of luck.

[Jake Johnson]

Can't wait to hear what happens. Can't wait to hear what happens.

[Gabby]

Thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. Bye. Gabby.

[Gabby]

Hey, guys, it's Gabby. I called in earlier about how I drunkenly offered to help my ex boyfriend's dad open an ice cream shop. I wanted to just call and give you a little update and let you know that I did, in fact, make it to the grand opening. I actually got there a little bit early, and they didn't even give me a choice. They just put me right to work. They even gave me a T shirt. And honestly, I had a lot of fun. It was pretty crazy at first because no one was really trained, but they seemed to figure it out, and the opening seemed to be a big success. They did a really good job. So I'd say this was a win. You guys really gave me the confidence to go and show up. And my ex boyfriend has been asking me to hang out every day. So thanks for your help.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And we're brought to you by Quince. Huge fan of quints. And let me tell you, it's not just me. It could be for people that you're giving gifts to. Finding the perfect gift can be pretty overwhelming. I always want to make sure I'm giving people gifts they want. This year, I found the spot. I'm going to quints. You should, too. Let you treat your loved ones and yourself to true quality at an affordable price. I'm not kidding. I wear the corduroy quint jacket. I have so much. I'm concerned that people are going to see my standup clips and be like, does this guy change? And I don't. It's something everyone needs in their closet. Okay. They've got iconic Mongolian cashmere sweaters that start for $50 super soft fleece sweatpants. No matter what you're looking for, all the Quint Items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They do that because they're partnering directly with top factories and cutting out the cost of the middleman. So Quince passes the savings on to you. And if you're looking for a place to put those savings, you can just put them in the corduroy jacket chest pocket. It has two of them. Quint is on the nice list and they work with factories that use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing prices and they use those premium fabrics and finishes for that luxury feel in every piece.

[Jake Johnson]

Gift luxury this holiday season without the luxury price tag. Go to quince.com heretoh for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q U I n c e.com heretohelp to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com heretohelp.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And we are brought to you by Doer. Listen, we've talked about Doer a lot on this show. We love Dewar. We have dressed each other in Dewar. All three of us did, like a round robin.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds weird.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We got together, we lost all our clothes and we threw Doer in a pile and we came out looking hot. No great quality clothing. We all keep talking about it. They're great fit. There's stretch performance denim. So I don't know, your pants just look like they fit but they don't feel like they're snug or anything like that. It's made from plant based fabrics for natural breathability, softness and moist moisture absorption. You do not have to sacrifice comfort for style. Dewar has it all.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's time to level up your wardrobe with Dewar. Order yours today. Check out Dewar's flagship stores in LA or Denver or shop online at shopdoor.com Gil sent me right now our listeners get 20% off their first order when you use our exclusive URL shop doer d u e r.com Gil sent me.

[Oliver Raleigh]

This is an amazing deal.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't wait. Go now to get 20% [e-mail] Gilbert.

[Oliver Raleigh]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Caleb]

Hello.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hi there. Welcome to the show. He's got a hot voice. You've got. You've got Gareth. You've got the shark, as always. And we've recast Jake for this episode with the great John Gabris. So you've got a lot coming your way. We've got a good feeling. Who are you? Where are you calling from? And what the hell's going on?

[Caleb]

Yeah, perfect. This is Jake Johnson calling in. No, my name is Caleb. I'm calling from Michigan and I'm calling about a problem with my wife. We recently had our first child, our first newborn child.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Congrats.

[Caleb]

Two months. Thank you. Thank you so much. She's two months old now, and we're starting to figure out, you know, what the nighttime routine looks like for us. Something consistent and mostly consists of one of us holding the baby while the other one starts to read, you know, the last little feeding in. The problem is that my wife reads too enthusiastically when she's reading the nighttime stories. She uses a little bit too. A little bit too much.

[Oliver Raleigh]

She put a lot.

[Caleb]

Too much syllables.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

A little bit too much sauce. Sometimes a voice here or there. The good news is that it does dwindle by the third story. She's kind of into whisper mode, where I like to be. I feel like, you know, a little bit of a gentle voice. It's just a soothing noise to try and get the baby to calm down.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Caleb.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

What. What. What is your issue with how she reads? What. What is your. Why do you feel like the way she's doing it is a problem?

[Caleb]

So.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

So it's. It's real. I would say maybe not a problem now. I'm just trying to secure the future here a little. I think that.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Can we hear. Can we hear how it sounds to you?

[Caleb]

Yeah. Yeah. It's. It's gonna seem nitpicky because, to be honest, it's pretty subtle, but it's enough for me to notice. But I'm going to give it my best shot.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It already feels nitpicky to me. I think you hate your wife, if I'm being honest.

[Kevin Bartel]

As a guy who's Been. I just had my 13th wedding anniversary. Trust me, it's going to come across as nitpicky.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, the only way. Okay, go ahead. Let's hear it.

[Kevin Bartel]

Can you believe my wife does this hyper specific thing that I see every single day and you guys have no idea about? Isn't that frustrating? Ah, man, I need the context of living with her.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Caleb]

All right, I. I'll give you my best shot.

[Oliver Raleigh]

All right.

[Caleb]

You want her version? I assume so.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Caleb]

It is. I will love you till the cows come home I will love you till the cows come home on the earth of stone on spaceships from Mars I will love you till the cows come home I will love you to the yaks come back From a Cadillac to the pink backtrack. I will love you to the yaks come back that's the best I can do for now, first of all. And for me, it's just great verse. Thank you.

[Kevin Bartel]

Bars.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, I mean, just. Just ridiculous.

[Kevin Bartel]

Straight Bars. Fire. Bars. Signer, I want. What's your wife's soundcloud?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm. Yaks come back.

[Caleb]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

John, do you hear a problem?

[Kevin Bartel]

Yeah, I think. I think you got to break up, dude. I know you have a brand new newborn, but I think you need out. I think honestly, with that kind of read, a judge would give you custody as well.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Caleb, can you read it? How you read it? How you would want it read or how you read?

[Caleb]

I gotcha.

[Kevin Bartel]

I think I could guess how this Roman Mars ass dude reads it with those. With that sultry baritone. Yeah, kids. Oh, man.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Here's.

[Caleb]

Here's my best version of. The words are different because I'm just trying my best. So here's what I typically go for. I will love you till the cows come home on ships from Mars and glass and stone I will love you till the cows come home from the yaks come back on their pink backpacks. I will love you to the yaks come back Just something a little bit more subtle. Quiet. Try to be soothing.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Admire cats. Trying to keep the baby is your issue. That you think the way she's reading it is keeping the baby up too long.

[Caleb]

That's my fear. Is that as she gets older. And again, I'm just projecting new as she gets older.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Okay.

[Caleb]

As she gets older that maybe mom's versions get a little bit more exciting when we're actually getting, you know, some interactions back from our child and that the voices get sillier and so now again, I understand it's nitpicky. But for me, some of those kind of excitements. I like to say that as I'm staring at the. At the baby that she's, like, wiggling while Mom's reading, but it's not quite there. I just get this, like, man, we got to be careful. Maybe we got to police this now.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Okay?

[Caleb]

So when she's older, it's not as big of a problem.

[Kevin Bartel]

We gotta dip this in the bud.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I do think a lot of this lives in your head. Why don't we act out? Why don't I be your wife and I'm gonna. I don't know, your wife. Let's call her Shelly.

[Caleb]

Okay.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Why don't you walk me through this conversation and let's see how this feels coming out of your mouth.

[Caleb]

Okay, so just. Just going for it. Okay.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah. Oh, God. She just. She just went to sleep. Finally took a minute.

[Caleb]

I know. It took a little longer tonight than usual.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I know. You know how babies are. She's got a sweat.

[Caleb]

She loves that Kyle's Come Home book. It's just so good.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I know. I'm a little sick of reading it, but everything for her and, you know, and we can.

[Caleb]

We can mix, absolutely. Shelly, we love. We love her together, but anything we can do, obviously, to make it easier for us. So maybe I can read sometimes. You know, sometimes when you read, maybe you're doing a little too much. You know, maybe you're a little too excited, and that's why it's so annoying for you to read the same book over again. And, you know, I don't want her. What do you mean, wake our.

[Oliver Raleigh]

What do you mean?

[Caleb]

You know, the way. You know, you just. You get really excited about how the cows are always coming home.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I'm not excited. I'm kind of. What do you mean?

[Jake Johnson]

I just.

[Caleb]

I think there's a little bit of excitement when you talk about those cows coming home and the yaks and their backpack, and I just wonder if maybe that gets a little bit too much for you.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Or maybe you think when I talk about the yaks in their backpack, that. That. Are you.

[Kevin Bartel]

Hey, Caleb. Hey, Shelly. It's me, your babysitter, Nina.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hey, Nina. Thanks for sticking around so late.

[Kevin Bartel]

Are you guys. Is everything okay? The baby keeps crying because they get. They can hear both of your voices and. Oh, God.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I think we left the monitor on the baby's.

[Kevin Bartel]

But, yeah, you have the monitor on, and you have it switched on reverse.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Oh, no, dear. That's right. Sounds like Satan's yelling at her.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Do you see, Caleb? It's do you feel like you can have that conversation? No, I feel like.

[Caleb]

I feel like it's had a secret back, you know, back door to help me, you know.

[Kevin Bartel]

Caleb, this is going to sound. This is going to sound awful, but like hold on to this one, brother, because this is the least of your fucking problems. Yeah, I feel like you have a newborn. Like a kid is such a fucking variable in a marriage. Shit is going to get so much fucking crazier. Just let this one go.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Here's my pitch. Ok. Here's my pitch. Start reading it crazier than you think she is and see if you can prompt her to have a conversation with you. And then you can be like, I feel like we're reading it kind of the same way. And then maybe that's a way to get her to tone it down a little. I do not think at this part of parenting you can have that conversation because I'm not going to lie, it's probably good the way she's reading it.

[Kevin Bartel]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

But if you feel like it's wrong.

[Kevin Bartel]

Not an early education specialist.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kevin Bartel]

But I think a mom trying hard is always going to be good.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And giving some kid animation to it, I feel like is probably good. While you're just sitting in there kind of like infomercialing it, she's giving it like some animation.

[Kevin Bartel]

There are kids being raised by parents who are just drinking wine in the other room. You know what I mean? Trust me.

[Oliver Raleigh]

John and I have been sterilized. Why don't you. Why don't we try a version right now where you read it too big to see if we can prompt your wife to be like, what's going on in there?

[Caleb]

Okay, sounds good. I'm just gonna stick with the Cows come Home because it seems to be a crowd favorite.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Well, okay.

[Caleb]

I've heard it both ways. That's fair. Yeah.

[Kevin Bartel]

Let's ask your. Let's ask your daughter.

[Caleb]

Okay. I will love you to the cows come Home. I will love you till the cows come home and the yaks whoever the backpacks while we come back with a snack. We will love you to the acts come back.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Are you reading.

[Kevin Bartel]

Are you reading this? Are you off the dome? Are you. So this is off the dome.

[Caleb]

We read this. This seems to be our favorite as far as.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, I bet you.

[Kevin Bartel]

You. I bet you. You are the person who has thought about this book more than anyone including.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Oh, you should. You should message the author.

[Caleb]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

She wrote was obviously magical. My wife is over interpreting your brilliance. I would. I would do that. Give that a shot for a couple nights when your wife is nearby. See if you could prompt her into giving you a note. And then you can be like, oh, I'm just trying to do it like you. But maybe we just. Maybe we're both doing it a little, like, you know what I mean? Like, you. Sometimes you have conversations with your significant other where the move is to just go, well, even if you feel like you're not doing something wrong, you'll kind of back down on a thing because you're like, I want this tension to end. So I would maybe try that. Give that a shot.

[Caleb]

Okay.

[Kevin Bartel]

Yeah, I like the idea of over.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Of.

[Kevin Bartel]

Over delivering. And maybe you don't even have to say anything. Maybe that'll just light Shelby up. Of like, wow, that's kind of annoying. Should I. Am I doing anything like that? I mean.

[Caleb]

Yeah, I like that. Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah. I think that's the only way, because you just. There's no way you can just be like, hey, video village, we got a couple thoughts.

[Kevin Bartel]

Hey, I know. I know up until two months ago, this child was being kept alive solely by you and living inside of you to the point where you were a shared organism, in a way. But I just want to say you're, like, really committing hard to, like, reading to our child.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Her back hurts right now. Her nipples are sore, and then Caleb's coming in like, you hit and yak a little hard.

[Caleb]

Yeah, no, this is fair. And I knew this was coming, but I think it's a good attack. Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So give that a shot. That's your only move. And also, if you're talking about nipping in the bud, this is a future problem. I honestly. My mother read me stories. She was animated, and now I'm on the number one podcast in America. All right, buddy, well, let us know how it goes, okay?

[Caleb]

Okay, sure will. Thank you.

[Oliver Raleigh]

All right, Caleb.

[Caleb]

Bye.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And we're brought to you by Me Undies. Listen, you know what? December is lounge season. Enough. Enough with the pants. Lose the pants and just wear Me Undies. And if people come into your house and complain, they're not a real friend or a family member, you know, Me Undies, they make the most comfortable underwear, the coziest loungewear. It's perfect for the holiday season, from lounge pants to hoodies. Oh, okay. So we can say you can wear pants. They just have to be Me Undies pants. Okay? There's sweats, there's oneies. Me Undies is here to remind you that it's never too early to start thinking about Gift ideas. What could be better than a gift from me undies? I have some of the loungewear and it is awesome. I also have some of the undies and I love those as well. We love the me undies world. It's sort of like the Avengers. Just pick your favorite and they're a good team together. There's a style for everyone. They have a cut for every butt which we love. I've loved the way Kevin's butt looks in this stuff. 10 different styles that come in over 100 different colors. Prints ranging from black to all over dinosaurs. Versatile loungewear and truly unmatched comfort. I mean we're talking super soft micro modal fabric. It's breathable, it's stretchy, it's very comfy. It's great all day wear and it's also responsibly sourced. You can hear that that is important to us that you sustainably sourced materials and work with partners that care for their workers. It's that problem free philosophy. Not happy with your first pair of me undies? Don't worry, it's on me undies.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Oliver Raleigh]

And we're brought to you by alma. We obviously on this show give out advice, but it's a little tongue in cheek. But if you have a therapist, had a therapist, used one in the past, whatever it is, you know, it can be pretty difficult to find someone. Pretty difficult to find the right fit. You're sifting through hundreds of options. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's the person you want. So that's what Alma does. ALMA basically helps filter the therapist through search engines and ways to get a therapist that you want to have.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Oliver Raleigh]

It's very important. Yes, it is important because Jake, a lot of people were raised with parents who didn't do anything like this. They would just hide $100 bill around their place and let their kids find it. So listen, sign up for greenlight [e-mail] Gil sent me. That's greenlight.com Gil sent me. And try greenlight today greenlight.com Gil sent me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, everyone, it's the shark. The original call from this next follow up aired on September 5th. It's called Put some jeans on that baby Jesus. And it is the first call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy.

[Emma]

Hello.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Welcome back to the show. We're here to help. This is a follow up. Who are you? Yeah, what's happening? Gareth and I are in the dark.

[Oliver Raleigh]

How'd we do?

[Emma]

Okay, so this is Emma, and you might know me better as baby Jesus's mom.

[Jake Johnson]

Baby Jesus.

[Oliver Raleigh]

How great is it to not know? Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait. Yes, relay. What happened? I remember.

[Emma]

Okay, so my mom has this plan to do a wild Christmas letter and have my infant son as baby Jesus, but she wanted to do it naked.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, what?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, see, that doesn't ring a bell. No, I didn't. Yeah, I didn't know we dealt with baby nudity on this. We've done a lot of calls.

[Jake Johnson]

You did a perfect. He did a perfect. David Brent from the office. You go like, yes. Then she goes negative. Yeah, No, I don't. Doesn't. No.

[Oliver Raleigh]

No, not me.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not part of this one.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Nope, not me. I've never heard of this one. This woman's obviously out of her mind.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emma, walk us through this problem again for some Reason I'm not remembering all the glorious shocking. Do you remember this one?

[Oliver Raleigh]

I remember that setup. I don't remember us dealing with baby Jesus nudity.

[Jake Johnson]

So walk us through it, Emma. What was the main problem? And then what did we pitch? And then we'll stop at that.

[Emma]

Okay. So the main problem was I didn't want my son to be embarrassed. My mom does really wild Christmas card. She's really popular with her Christmas letters. And her idea was to have him be baby Jesus along with my nieces, my daughter and my nephew fun. And I was. I needed help on how to solve that. And you pitched. Just making my boundaries really weird and putting him in maybe khakis and a barista apron and a mustache and just making it really weird to see if she would just kind of stop.

[Jake Johnson]

So we didn't help?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Well, okay.

[Emma]

No, because I was. I was banned from any further photo shoots. And honestly.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wait, did you bring. You brought the boy with all the. With the target attire with a mustache?

[Emma]

No, it didn't happen. But I did walk into my mom continuing the project, which I actually thought was a bust. And some of my nieces were not going to depict any religious figures. But I did find my mom with a huge spread of different size cutouts of my son and my nieces and my nephew and my daughter with different backgrounds. And I sent some of them to Sharks.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Whoa. Jesus Christ. And I do mean Jesus Christ. Oh, my Lord. Jake, you want to. This is.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't even know what I'm looking at. It's a photo.

[Oliver Raleigh]

You're looking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

You're looking at basically the red carpet of the manger. We've got the wise men. I'm assuming we've got a chi. Oh, we've got the Virgin Mary child also holding your child in a blanket. A couple of the kids are angels, I believe there's a cat in the universe and there's a dog. And then at the bottom, the text is, jesus, I trust in you. And there is a regular Jesus in the background. And in the corner there's just some feet.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I. Yeah. What I would say, Gareth, if this show was going on for a lot longer. This deserves to be in the shark tank.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I completely agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, these are the photos.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Oh, and there's now another one of the Virgin Mary holding your son in what looks like a curtain.

[Jake Johnson]

And so walk us through. You got banned.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It's crazy.

[Emma]

He's not naked. He's not naked, though, so you can ring the bell, I guess, because he's not naked.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know what. You didn't take any of our advice and for some reason you got banned.

[Emma]

I wasn't allowed. I just wasn't allowed because I wasn't taking it seriously. And when I. I like that you called out the regular Jesus because I said, oh, sorry, but that baby Jesus looking up at Jesus, sorry, are they the same person? And she said, I'm really concerned about you. And I said, oh, so it's like a different timeline Jesus like in the Marvel movies? And she was like, yeah, I just really like it. So I was a concern. And then I got the vibe. Still really weird.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Well, I was the right thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, look, we're going to wrap this up and I'm going to say this. Emma, we appreciate this is a heck of a follow up. This is another loss for the show. But it is.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Jake, you're. Here's what I'd say. It's not a loss, it's just not a win. I don't think we were able to bring a rule book to this sporting event.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but the rule was that she was supposed to dress up the baby like a little barista. And the mom was going to get.

[Oliver Raleigh]

So mad bringing Photoshop to a baby Jesus shoot fight.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I mean, you can't, you can bring logic into that. I mean, I don't think that she.

[Emma]

Would ever get off the computer if she actually understood Photoshop. I think she'd have too much fun with it. We'd never see her again.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Well, it's a shock. I mean that the picture we just saw is like something you would see in a thrift shop.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Like you'd just be like, what?

[Jake Johnson]

You know, you know what you could do with that image, Emma? Make 100,000 copies and just start hand delivering them to people, put them in thrift shops, mail them to strangers, put.

[Oliver Raleigh]

The image on some shirts.

[Jake Johnson]

That thing needs to travel. That's something somebody wants to find in like a suitcase on the beach in four years and go like, what am I looking at here? Because you're right, it's time traveling Jesus, which is incredible.

[Oliver Raleigh]

There's dogs, there's cats, there's two ages of Jesus.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a lot.

[Oliver Raleigh]

You've got a baby Virgin Mary. I mean, logic is not. Has not entered anywhere near the Photoshop.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I like about Mom? She just said it.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, you know what I like about mom? She goes, listen, I'm not taking notes.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? It's the equivalent if it's a movie, it's the room she made. She's just going, I'm gonna make the movie.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I want picture.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm just doing what I want. And you go, but. But Virgin Mary's five. Shut up.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And Jesus is regular age and right.

[Jake Johnson]

Shut up.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And there's a cat in the cloud.

[Jake Johnson]

Shut up.

[Oliver Raleigh]

What's the dog?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, it's a big win for your mom.

[Emma]

I mean, it is every year. Every year is a win. And then my three nieces that aren't in the picture, I did see one picture of them, and I'm concerned that she's just gonna, like, cut them out and make them into whatever she wants.

[Jake Johnson]

Emma, I got a new pitch. Yelled at, but Emma, I got a new p. And I think I'm right here. You got to lean in. And every year, not only your kids, you got to get in these photos, too. This is going to. This is your family legacy.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I've got an idea. Photoshop your mom on the devil's body with a computer. Just go. This is what I picture. Every time you give us a photo.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't say you did it. It just appears at our house every Sunday. A new. A new photo job of her as Satan.

[Oliver Raleigh]

As Satan.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you never admit to it.

[Emma]

Oh, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't do that to the poor woman.

[Oliver Raleigh]

No, I would say you should.

[Jake Johnson]

I would say, let her cook. But if I'm you, Emma, lean in if you got it. If your kids every year were in these photos, you know how funny it's going to be for them when they're in their 30s.

[Emma]

Looking back, I mean, I had to deal with it my entire life. I just didn't want him to be naked. That was the problem. And I would. I guess because he's not naked.

[Jake Johnson]

Mandatory. He's got to keep his shorts on. Outside of that. Let mom cook.

[Oliver Raleigh]

By the way, if. If a title. By the way, if we. If you told me when we started this follow up that that sentence would make sense, I would have been worried about what would have gotten.

[Jake Johnson]

But I wonder if it is a win, because I think our main point would have probably been make sure the boy keeps his shorts on.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Again, just hearing that, because that's something.

[Jake Johnson]

I would stand for 100%.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And maybe they'll let you know is pro babies keeping their shorts on in.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus pictures and all very clearly, Gareth in all photos. Yay. Yes.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So I would say ring the bell.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I agree. I. I think we have to ring it.

[Jake Johnson]

Ring it.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We have to do it. I.

[Jake Johnson]

He's ringing it. We Just can't hear it because zoom's weird. Emma, we appreciate the call and please keep. Send. Keep sending the email those photos.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Oh, keep it coming.

[Emma]

Every holiday I did get a text update saying thoughts and she added a glitter halo. So yeah, I will keep sending them until maybe the more dramatic final reveal for you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Ooh, I love it.

[Oliver Raleigh]

What a teaser.

[Emma]

Thank you so much.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Thank you, Emma, Say hi to the baby Jesus. Bye. Caller, are you there?

[Ara]

Hi.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hi. Hi. Thank you. Can we get your name, your age, and roughly where you're calling from?

[Ara]

Yeah, my name is Ara, I'm 24 and I am calling from Brooklyn, New York.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hey, we'll get into how the hell you spell that soon.

[Jake Johnson]

I went A R, A. How far off?

[Oliver Raleigh]

What I liked was. I noticed we both paused with like, the fuck is that?

[Jake Johnson]

It's gross that we see each other's notes. It's embarrassing.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Jake does a lot of hearts. Hey, listen, you have Jake, you have Gareth. We're the usual. But you also have from the Dope as Usual podcast, Marty and Thomas joining us today. You're getting a four headed monster, so everybody listening.

[Jake Johnson]

Also check out dope as usual. I did their pod. They're great, guys.

[Kevin Bartel]

Thank you.

[Oliver Raleigh]

All right, Ara, how the hell do you spell that name?

[Gabby]

It's a R, A, A, J. I.

[Jake Johnson]

Never would have had that.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Interesting. The batteries.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Okay, what can we help you with? What's going on?

[Ara]

Okay, so When I was 8 years old, my dad and I went on my first trip to Hong Kong. Disneyland.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Ara]

We were staying in the Disneyland resort. And so in the. In the restaurant, like, sometimes the characters will like, come and say hi to all the kids.

[Caleb]

Sure.

[Ara]

So I'm eating breakfast one morning with my dad and, you know, the Mickey gang come in and I'm getting pictures with all of them. And so I have a really cool picture with Goofy and I get another picture with Pluto. And before I know it, one of them like picks me up and runs out of the room with me.

[Jake Johnson]

What the fuck?

[Ara]

Yeah, like an attempted kidnapping.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Wait, wait, just to be clear, because we were all like, hey, this is like one of the characters literally tried to kidnap you in a Hong Kong Disneyland.

[Ara]

Yes. So, you know, one of them picks me up. I'm like eight years old. Don't. I'm not really fully conscious of the world. So this whole time I'm thinking that it was goofy. And my dad also tells me, like, oh, goofy, like ran out of the room with you.

[Oliver Raleigh]

My dad's really enjoying it.

[Jake Johnson]

I really hope this is A comedy second half.

[Ara]

Yeah. I'm literally like screaming and crying. I'm like, I'm about to be killed.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ara]

And so I've maintained this story, like for the last 16 years of my life. I'm like, hey, guys, you know, like, goofy, like, tried to kidnap me once. And everyone's like, what? So I'm like recently going through these pictures again.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah.

[Ara]

And I am absolutely dumbfounded to learn that it was actually Pluto and not Goofy.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We are looking at the pictures and my first thought was, yes, you're dealing with Pluto. Goofy is the red herring.

[Ara]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. None of that matters. Pluto tried to kidnap some guy named Gary.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Well, keep going. Okay, so you have this revelation, right? Ok. Kevin cannot be throwing up these fucking pictures.

[Jake Johnson]

Kevin, this is an emotional roller coaster.

[Oliver Raleigh]

I gotta tell you the incongruent nature of the seriousness of kidnapping and that the pictures were seeing.

[Jake Johnson]

You have the right guys in this one because you told me some wild ass stories of yours.

[Kevin Bartel]

To me, it's how many dogs have been thrown in jail because of a misrepresentation.

[Oliver Raleigh]

You need gruff on this one.

[Jake Johnson]

So. Ara. What?

[Oliver Raleigh]

There you go.

[Jake Johnson]

What is happening?

[Ara]

So my, my issue is now that I've realized that it's Pluto, I'm not sure how to break this to all of my friends that I've told this story to because I feel like my story isn't really funny anymore.

[Kevin Bartel]

It's still funny.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, I haven't jump into the brief.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not like a serious kidnapping. I think it was like posing for photos and he jokingly, like, he grabbed her and walked away. He did not.

[Jake Johnson]

True.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He did not.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually.

[Ara]

He, like took me.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

We're trying to. If you were almost kidnapped, who gives a fuck if it's Pluto or goofy?

[Ara]

So I straight up, this is what I remember. I remember just being picked up and been like running out of the room where I couldn't even see my dad anymore. And I was like screaming and crying and I come back and I'm like, I ran to my dad. I was like, how could you let this happen to me? Meanwhile, my dad is like just taking pictures of this. Right.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Clearly.

[Jake Johnson]

He'S a great shot. It's in focus.

[Oliver Raleigh]

All of them. This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. This is taking a weird turn. The email was like lighthearted joking. He tried to like, you know, move away with me. It was not a serious, like, I was almost legitimately kidnapped.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Is the middle ground here that it was super traumatic for you but your life was never an actual dire stress?

[Ara]

No, it wasn't like traumatic. But I'm just. But my problem is that it's like a story that I tell everybody because it's really funny, but now I'm like, you know what I mean? It's like, how do I break. Break it to my friends that it's Pluto and not the actual Goof guy?

[Oliver Raleigh]

First of all, have some respect. His name is Goofy, not Goofy. Goof guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Listen, you got a pitch?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Well, I do. Leave it. Don't say anything. Just the confusion you have. Like, when I see it, I go, yeah, it's Pluto. It's Goofy. Whatever. I would just. I would you. I mean, you've told everyone this Goofy is probably the better punch up. Even looking at the pictures you sent the goofy one is funnier. But I would. I would leave it there. I would stick with it being goofy. I would not make AC chain.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm thrown on this one.

[Kevin Bartel]

Me too. What did your dad do for work that he could just take you to Hong Kong?

[Jake Johnson]

Disneyland. First thing in my head.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, that.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't even know that neither.

[Kevin Bartel]

I did not know they existed either, but.

[Jake Johnson]

But also, what was your dad doing sitting there while you got it happen?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah. Letting Pluto. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Ara, what is this? So you. He was doing a bit. I'm confused. Yeah, I think the problem is you got to talk to your dad and say, if someone's grabbing a kid and running away, stop snapping pics. We had Captain America show up at my kids party and deep throat three balloons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This has been a train wreck. That being said, we do have a special guest joining us on the call.

[Gabby]

Who?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ara's friend is joining her because she's going to confront her on that. She's been getting the story wrong her entire life. So when she emailed, she said, I feel really bad because I've been getting the names wrong. I've been telling this story incorrectly my entire life. So I said, would you like to tell someone on the call that you've been getting the story wrong your entire life? She said, yes, let's try it.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's see what happens.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Let's get a shot.

[John Gabris]

Hello.

[Emma]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Thomas and Marty, will you guys set up stranger? What is happening? We don't know if this is like a horror story or like, I thought.

[Kevin Bartel]

It was a real kid. So your friend basically got pranked, didn't like it. She confused the mascot. I don't think you care. I don't think you care if it was Superman or Captain America, Goofy or Pluto. I think it's the same story, except, oh, you know What? I'm burn was eight. It was goofy.

[Ara]

No way.

[Oliver Raleigh]

That was the best follow up is hello. After all that Hello. No way.

[Kevin Bartel]

Was that real?

[Jake Johnson]

Did you really say that?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, that's just. Caller, can we get your name higher than I am?

[Gabby]

Leia.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Hey, Leia. All right, you're joining us in what I would only call a quagmire. Now, you know, Ara. You're friends with someone named Ara?

[Jake Johnson]

Car. Quick pause, because this is the wildest one we've ever had. Will you guys please let that join and enjoy yourselves? Are we going to get in trouble from Hex?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Ask for. Yeah, that's how we deal with authority. Light it up. And we.

[Jake Johnson]

We are now in a galaxy of who knows?

[Gabby]

Am I intruding on something?

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yes, in many ways, we all are being intruded on and intruding at the same time. Leah. So you have a friend named Ara? Ara is called our show. We have a podcast that's called we're here to help. And normally we try to help people. I honestly think we all might need the help of a professional after kind of going through what can only be called a strange, bizarre, traumatic trip.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Ara, the floor is yours.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Ara has something to tell you. So, Ara, talk to Leia. We'll sit here and maybe get high.

[Ara]

So you remember my goofy kidnapping story?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ara]

You know how, like, this whole time I was telling you that it was goofy and I was, like, super traumatized by it? By it?

[Gabby]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ara]

Okay. So I looked back on pictures and actually it was Pluto.

[Emma]

Okay.

[Ara]

Do you think my story's still funny? Um, you know, sure.

[Gabby]

I'm just kidding. Yeah, of course, of course. Because I just think you're funny, like, as a person. So thank you. Obviously. Thank you.

[Oliver Raleigh]

And then I would be a bad.

[Ara]

Friend if I said no.

[Jake Johnson]

In summation, Kevin, what do you think here, big daddy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This went exactly like I wanted. And it's our best call.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Arnalaya, this, I'm not kidding you, has been maybe our wildest call.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm glad it was you guys because.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We actually blame it on you guys somehow.

[Jake Johnson]

Because when I did yours, dope as usual, that was one of the wildest ones I've been part of.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Fun.

[Jake Johnson]

Your stories were excellent and you entered us into this, like, wild galaxy. So, Ara, you have now been part of a co podcast.

[Oliver Raleigh]

We're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

And dope as usual. This is the mixing of the world, because this one has not felt like anyone we've ever done.

[Oliver Raleigh]

It feels, it hasn't seemed like any. No, this has been wild. Ara, we hope you feel better. Leah, we hope you feel like us and have no clue what's happening. We want to thank Marty and Thomas.

[Jake Johnson]

For joining us and honestly changing the game a little bit by the natural energy.

[Ara]

Thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

And I would say in the future if you're ever near getting kidnapped, the your father has to help more. Thomas Amari, thank you for joining. Yes, dope as usual. Podcast is way less wild than this one and I never thought I would say that. Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just want to say I never went into a call more confident in my whole life. I was like millions and millions will.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Love this and here we are.

[Jake Johnson]

We appreciate you guys. Guys, thank you for calling.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Good luck out there.

[Gabby]

Thank you.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Yeah, bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartel, and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon.

[Oliver Raleigh]

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwako and our video editor is John de Bruy.

[Jake Johnson]

The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you could check out his music@oliver raleigh.com that's oliver r a l.

[Oliver Raleigh]

L I.com the album artwork is by James Fosdike. You can find him on Instagram at jamesfosdike D I K e and if you'd like to see me do standup on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Additional.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Artwork by Paddy Holland. You can find him on Instagram @pady holland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon. Com heretohelpod.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail com.

[Oliver Raleigh]

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.