142: Psychological Warfare & Duck Daddy

Summary

We're Here to Help - Episode 142: Psychological Warfare & Duck Daddy

Release Date: January 20, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Podcast Network: Headgum

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Season Renewal and Changes

After contemplating retirement, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds discuss the unexpected renewal of the podcast by Headgum, highlighting the overwhelming support from listeners that influenced their decision to continue. They reflect on past episodes and interactions, including a playful exchange with Lamorn from Damon Waynes Jr.'s live show.

• Jake Johnson (02:10): "But before we get to that, just to talk a little trash, I did Lemorn after his live show."
• Gareth Reynolds (02:48): "And I think we were really done."

The duo announces significant changes for Season Two, including the departure of their friend Shark due to scheduling conflicts. They emphasize a renewed focus on addressing callers' questions more directly, aiming to deepen listener engagement.

• Jake Johnson (05:20): "I think we're planning on having great calls. We are planning on solving them like drunk uncles."

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First Caller: Jeff’s Bike Dilemma – Psychological Warfare

Caller: Jeff, a high school teacher from Sacramento, seeks advice regarding his nephew Ben, whose bike was stolen. Jeff discovered that an 8th grader has been joyriding the bike and seeks strategies to retrieve it without escalating the situation or involving Ben directly.

Jeff (07:05): "What can we do for you today?"

Discussion Highlights:

• Understanding the Situation: Jake and Gareth analyze the dynamics between Jeff, his nephew, and the 8th grader, emphasizing the importance of addressing the theft without adverse effects on Ben.

  • Gareth Reynolds (09:00): "But you also got to find out what his family's like. Because we're not too worried about an 8th grader, but we are worried about an 8th grader's weird uncle who just got out of jail."

• Strategizing Psychological Pressure: The hosts suggest implementing subtle psychological tactics to encourage the thief to return the bike, such as leaving anonymous notes and placing signs that imply close monitoring.

  • Jake Johnson (12:10): "You follow the kid home. You study his path... leave notes for him going, I know you stole that bike. You've got 10 days to return it."

• Maintaining Anonymity and Avoiding Confrontation: Recommendations include avoiding direct confrontation to prevent creating additional tension or fear.

  • Gareth Reynolds (16:34): "Find the route and make it one epic day where there's a lot of signs on this kid's ride back and try to pack it all into one ride."

Notable Quote:

• Jake Johnson (19:04): "Your face is going to get plastered everywhere. The police will get involved. Your family will know."

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Second Caller: Mateo’s Quacking Quandary – Duck Daddy

Caller: Zach from Texas shares his unusual predicament involving a highly affectionate and increasingly aggressive duck named Gandalf. The duck not only follows him persistently but also exhibits problematic behaviors that interfere with his daily life.

Mateo (35:11): "I have to try to figure out, get ahead of the game and get this girl into plants."

Discussion Highlights:

• Describing the Problem: Zach explains how Gandalf the duck has become overly attached, chasing him during walks and causing disruptions at his apartment complex.

  • Mateo (40:25): "The duck will not leave me, like, alone."

• Creative Solutions: Jake and Gareth brainstorm unconventional methods to deter Gandalf, ranging from psychological tactics to humorous disguise ideas.

  • Gareth Reynolds (51:08): "You need to convince this duck that you're no longer around."

• Balancing Humor with Practicality: While the situation is treated with humor, the hosts provide actionable advice to help Zach regain control over his interactions with Gandalf.

Notable Quote:

• Jake Johnson (44:11): "A duck's penis is like a pig's tail."
  (Note: This humorous yet explicit discussion underscores the podcast's casual and irreverent tone.)

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Follow-Up Call: Mateo’s Progress and New Challenges

Caller: Zach returns to update Jake and Gareth on the progress made following their advice. He shares successes in shifting his son's interests from Spider-Man to Batman, fostering better bonding through shared activities.

Mateo (65:34): "He might not be 100 on Batman, but he definitely enjoys that time that we spend together with the stories and the shows."

Discussion Highlights:

• Positive Outcomes: The hosts celebrate the successful implementation of storytelling and themed activities, which have strengthened Zach’s relationship with his son.

  • Jake Johnson (68:38): "This is a victory, Zach."

• New Developments: Zach introduces a new challenge with the birth of his daughter Ivy, contemplating how to nurture her interests without overwhelming her.

  • Mateo (70:34): "Now I gotta try to figure out, get ahead of the game and get this girl into plants."

Notable Quote:

• Jake Johnson (71:03): "But look, for starters, what we're going to want to do is we're going to want to get some plants in her bedrooms."

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Conclusion

Episode 142 of We're Here to Help delves into two unique and entertaining caller scenarios, offering a mix of heartfelt advice and comedic banter. Jake and Gareth successfully navigate the delicate balance between providing meaningful solutions and maintaining the show's signature humor, ensuring listeners are both entertained and informed.

Final Thoughts:

• Jake Johnson: Emphasizes the importance of building stronger relationships through shared interests and thoughtful interactions.
• Gareth Reynolds: Highlights the continued commitment to assisting listeners with creative and practical advice.

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Notable Quotes Summary:

• Jake Johnson (19:04): "Your face is going to get plastered everywhere. The police will get involved. Your family will know."
• Jake Johnson (44:11): "A duck's penis is like a pig's tail."
• Jake Johnson (68:38): "This is a victory, Zach."
• Jake Johnson (71:03): "But look, for starters, what we're going to want to do is we're going to want to get some plants in her bedrooms."

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For New Listeners:
If you're new to We're Here to Help, this episode exemplifies the show's blend of genuine advice and humorous discourse. Whether you're grappling with everyday dilemmas or extraordinary situations, Jake and Gareth offer a relatable and entertaining perspective to help navigate life's challenges.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

And we are back with a season.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Two against all odds. Jake against.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you know, we talked a lot about the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Little embarrassing for the team, I agree. But we were really done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was like far of retirements. Yeah, it was. It was like two weeks and then we were like, all right.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, again, we said it. I said it briefly, but you weren't on it. What ended up really happening was Headgum came and, you know, made an offer that made sense and it kind of hit everything that you and I were talking about that we wanted to try to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And so it felt like, let's come back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, and also we really. I mean, I think I. Having gone on the road, see the. There are a lot of people who love this show and there really was quite an outpouring after we kind of said we were going to take a breather. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Which was more than I expected.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And I think we were, you know, look, I mean, we really want to keep doing the show. We're glad to keep doing the show. There are changes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But before we get to that, just to talk a little trash, I did Lemorn after his live show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Damon Waynes Jr. And I went on it. He's starting to do it. He and Kyle are doing it live a little bit. And there was a part of the show where he said at the beginning, who here has heard my podcast? Lamorn. After little. A few applauses. Then when they said, you know, now we're gonna do a segment of the show where we like help this woman out with some dating advice. Who here has listened to. We're here to help. Well, directly to you, Lamorne. More applauses. So why don't you suck it, Lamour applause yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

So that felt good to know we were coming back to be on his.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show and beat him. Good. Not that I want to talk too.

[Jake Johnson]

Much trash now Lamour knows it, so he's gonna deny it like he does. He's a little liar. But that happened and that was cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm glad we're starting with that.

[Jake Johnson]

With anger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But he told me he's like. When we were leaving, he said, I'm gon moving over to Headgum. And in his press release he said, and they got mad at me because I wanted to say we're coming and we're going to be way better than we're here to help. Did it actually get printed?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I at least heard he wanted to do that. I thought it. I thought that was we. We share some reps and I at least heard he wanted to do that. I thought I would just assume they would let him. It's good press for us, but yeah, we are very excited. We're about to start our first session of the new era. We will say there are going to be upset, but we. Shark will not be joining us for this run season. Yes, we.

[Jake Johnson]

It was Shark's choice. And part of what happened at the end of season one, why I was breaking down was it wasn't Gareth, it wasn't me, it wasn't Shark. It was kind of all of our schedule and Shark said he wanted he could come back for some, but he couldn't commit to all. Yeah, he's got a very busy summer coming up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a shark a ton of season.

[Jake Johnson]

And so there's nothing but love for the Shark. But there's love. It's a. It's a new group for season two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. We're excited. I mean, look, one of the things that we said as we got into the show and one of the things that will stay consistent is the. We are planning on having great calls. We are planning on solving them like drunk uncles. We still have the bell to ring.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm very excited to do this with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You, G. As am I with you.

[Jake Johnson]

We get a lot of texts and back and forth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

I think really quick, as if it's New Year's and we're talking resolutions. For me, what I'm looking for season two is put an emphasis on the caller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Really see. Get more into that. I think it's going to be a lot more you and me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to really try to bank as many. You and me. When there is a guest coming in sometimes we're going to view them more as like a guest host.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So it might be Gareth with that person. It might be me with that person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But we might do some where it's both of us in a person.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But it's gonna. Yeah, but we are definitely focused on making sure that we are. We're doing the show together.

[Jake Johnson]

We've got 52, so we're gonna try to do as many as us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. One a week. We should point that out. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

And they're gonna drop on Monday and all the video ones there. Everything will be ad free on Patreon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. So if you want to watch the video, just go there.

[Jake Johnson]

And then we've got Morgan, who you're gonna meet this season. She is running that. And she's pretty great. I've known her for a couple of years and I think that's kind of it, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're excited. So listen, that's a lot of business. Let's get into the meat and potatoes. Let's parmesan the floor. Let's party. Without further.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Jeff]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, can we get your name, please?

[Jeff]

Hi, this is Jeff.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Jeff. Where are you calling from, Jeff?

[Jeff]

Calling from Northern California.

[Jake Johnson]

What part?

[Jeff]

Sacramento area.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. The Diaz brothers. Right around there in the. Jeff. Northern California. What do you do for work, Jeff?

[Jeff]

I'm a high school teacher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Jake Johnson]

What year you teach over there?

[Jeff]

I teach juniors in high school, US History and psychology. So juniors and. And seniors.

[Jake Johnson]

Respect. If you had a favorite animal, what would it be? Jungle animals included.

[Jeff]

Giraffe, for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting. For sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting. That down, Gareth, what would yours be? Jungle, I mean, lemur.

[Jake Johnson]

Any animal, including cats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sloth. Sloth. Sloth. Adorable. And I love the pace. The sloth. You can walk 10ft with the sloth, and that's time travel.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love this lot. What about you? Yours is going to be crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

No, gorilla, silverback.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course, Jaguar would be a great answer, but mine is silver. So, Jeff, Northern Cal High school teacher, loves a giraffe. What can we do for you today?

[Jeff]

So my. My nephew, we'll call him Ben, is a middle schooler, a new middle schooler. So he's. He's in seventh grade. He started this year, and he rides his bike to middle school. And he things pretty well, you know, kind of an adjustment from sixth or seventh grade. But he. One day he rode his bike to school and parked it there, didn't lock it. And then he came back at the end of the day and the bike was gone. So he was devastated. He. You know, it was. It was tough night for him. He goes home, tells his parents, but the twist is he come. He walks to school the next day, and he sees a kid riding his bike back. So the one of the students, now, I think probably an 8th grader, is now joyriding his butt, his bike, back and forth from school. Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

We want to find out what kind of character this kid is. That's kind of part of the call.

[Jake Johnson]

But you also got to find out what his family's like. Yeah, because. Because we're not too worried about an 8th grader, but we are worried about an 8th grader's weird uncle who just got out of jail.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's true. Things get different. You're not an adult anymore. When it's like, you could play the adult card, but then when, like, another adult's there, you're like, all right, this is a wash.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a tricky situation.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now I'm having a natural argument.

[Jake Johnson]

It's $150 bike. Just keep. Yeah. All right, so. So your nephew Ben got his bike stolen, and there's an 8th grader riding around on a. Jeff. Yeah.

[Jeff]

Yes. And the kid brings the bike back to school.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Jeff]

Every day. So he has now sort of just commandeered this bike. So.

[Jake Johnson]

Shocking. We gotta.

[Jeff]

We gotta. Yeah, exactly. And as a high school teacher, like, I go straight to punishment. I want this kid.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

You know, I want the. We want the bike back, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but we also gotta.

[Jeff]

We want the kid to feel the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, but also, Jeff, you know, the rule of the streets, which, you know, is, you know, snitches get stitches. And so we don't want. Ben doesn't want to like tell a teacher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it's my first pitch going.

[Jeff]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so keep going.

[Jeff]

So that's pretty much that. We sort of have two simple goals. One is to get the bike back, and then two is to sort of get some sort of, like, vigilante justice, basically. Because Ben doesn't want to tell a teacher. He doesn't want to tell the principal. Um, but I mean, maybe this is just my goal, the second goal. But as a high school teacher, like, I. The kids probably stealing bikes all the time.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you're right.

[Jeff]

So we want the kid to feel, you know, the. The power of the law. I mean, social. We just.

[Jake Johnson]

We.

[Jeff]

We want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want justice.

[Jeff]

We want justice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Karma is not enough.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so this is a pretty interesting setup, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So it is.

[Jake Johnson]

Do we got a. And what's your relationship with your nephew Ben? How tight are you guys?

[Jeff]

We were real close. He's a. He's a kid of few words.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so not the most popular guy in the world. I mean, he did.

[Jeff]

He's.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I.

[Jeff]

Among middle school kids. I don't know. I don't know. You know, I think he's. I think he's doing okay, but I.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Jeff]

When I talk to him about the issue, he's pretty. I said, do you want the kid? You know, do you want there to be consequences for the kid? And he's kind of like, I don't care.

[Jake Johnson]

He just wants to fight back.

[Jeff]

Yeah. I mean, that's what he says.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's. That's where it gets a little strange. It's third party revenge then, which is a little strange.

[Jake Johnson]

And I don't think we can go hard on third party revenge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

But I do think we can go hard on getting that bike back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. That's kind of where my head.

[Jake Johnson]

You okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I. I think, Jeff, you're. And the second part might make Ben's life miserable. And as your buddies in the bar, we don't want to. We don't want a seventh grade boy to start getting his ass kicked by some 8th grade thief. But there is.

[Jeff]

Yeah, that's why this phone call's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jeff]

Enough not to come up with events.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff. Jeff, you came to the right place, God damn it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

And so now the question. The question is we're gonna just start on part one of this, and that's getting the bike back. And then Gareth will probably pitch ways for revenge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard. It's a hard. It's hard to get revenge as an adult on a kid.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like, it's easier.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's easier, but it's also stranger. There are like, but it's easy real world implications that it's hard to steal.

[Jake Johnson]

Candy from a kid. No, it isn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you start? Because you're probably, I think we're probably going to be along the same lines for the.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we are. So I think for the beginning you got to go a little bit private investigator and never mind when you said we were on the same page.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you're, I think season two, you're me, I'm you.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, hear me out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think the first thing you got to do is, I don't think, I don't think you want to view this as a one week thing. I think you want to view this as a, a system and a play. And that is first you got to investigate who this kid is. You got to investigate his family a little bit. You have to follow him home so you know where the bike is, right? And very quickly you're going to be able to get a photo of this boy's life. And once you have that, then you're going to go, he comes in, he parks the bike there, he goes there. This is this kid's schedule, right? And once you have that kind of thing, then the question comes how do we steal it back? And my part two, which is going against what I said earlier and I said Gareth was going to do, maybe we steal a second thing, right? Because once, you know, dicey, I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But when you're crime as an adult, stealing when you're a kid, different than stealing as an adult, you're not wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think definitely pim. Stalk the kid, don't call the parents, don't do a thing. And if you have to steal it right back out of the garage, I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On the same page. I would do the follow, I would find the house, I would somehow re steal the bike back. I think if you want a slice of revenge and it's gotta be through your nephew because you don't want to put adult problems in the nephew world and then have him dealing with shit at school that he doesn't want to deal with. But you could do some flyering of bike thief and a picture of this kid who stole it, an image of this kid and you could hang some flyers around the bike racks, watch your.

[Jake Johnson]

Bike around him, he's dangerous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bike thief, known bike thief, something like that. And that's really, you know, try and. But again your Nephew is going to have to be involved in that. Yeah, but it's also like, you're in a kind of weird space where it's like this kid can't admit he stole the bike. So that's why you could steal it back. And it's kind of similar with the flyer part.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I like the flyer. You could also do the scare technique. And that is one day when he's driving his bike home, you go in your car, and as he's like. When there's like a red light or a stop, you pull up and go like, hey, hey, that's my nephew's bike. I bought it for him. And so it's not about the nephew, it's you confronting him. And if he. And if he rides off, you go like, I know where you live, mother Baba. And so he goes like, whoa. Like, there's. There's doom coming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Again, this is advice. And as we say on the show, we are not legally. This is advice, because what's good about that is if that's your first port of call. Right. You start with that. This kid's a little freaked out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then you. But by now, I would say already know where he lives and where he stores the bike. Then. Gareth, I got the bike back. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

I got one. Okay, Jeff, I think. I think I hit something here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Better not be a kid with your car.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Well, so you stalk the kid a little bit, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stock is a term then.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you know, but you. But you know what I mean.

[Jeff]

Funny that you guys started by saying don't, you know, don't get overly involved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pointing that out is not going to help us.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, guess what? We're trying. We're trying to find a baby boy. We're trying to find it. Let's cook. So here's what I actually think you should do. You follow the kid home. You know where he is, right. You study his path in terms of the animal. You stalk him a little bit, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Then what you start doing is leaving notes for him going, I know you stole that bike. You've got 10 days to return it. Then another place, a sign where he's riding his bike home on a pole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Six days left.

[Jake Johnson]

Six days. I know you stole that bike. You start getting in his head of this idea because you wanted him to have a punishment. Here's the punishment. Guilt. His conscience. He's an eighth grader and it's you. And it's almost as if he can't believe this is happening, but you get in between his ears is what he did is wrong. And there's a real consequence. It's not going to be an ass kicking. It's more than that. It's something that he doesn't know how this is happening because you're an adult and you can figure out things in eighth grade or can't. But you just keep pushing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeff, I think that's the pitch. I think you give him a 10 day limit, you start putting some signs. You start with something outside of the house. Everybody knows you start with some signs on the path back. Put a 10 day limit on it. Now again the reality hits when it's like at 10 days what can you really do?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but here's what, here's the. So Gareth. But going off of that. So my sister and I when we were growing up I didn't read a book for an in class essay or something like that and she had. So I asked her for help on it and she was panicking because I hadn't been doing any of my homework and she thought I was going to fail out of school. She was right. It just took me until I was in high school.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You landed on your feet.

[Jake Johnson]

Ish. But she did a thing that was a family story that's still incredible where we were all sitting around my mom, me and her. And she was scared that I wasn't telling my mom about this book thing because she said I'm not going to help you tell your mom. And she just went as if she were the wind, she went, tell her. And I go, what the fuck are you doing? And she goes, tell her about the book. And my mom goes, what are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The book?

[Jake Johnson]

And it kept going and it came out. Meaning what you could do here, Jeff, is you could get this little boy's head that in 10 days the police are going to get involved and my mom and dad are going to find out that it's. This is going to be revealed to everybody in this town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Your face is going to get plastered everywhere. Your the police will get involved. We have video evidence of you. We know everything you have done. You are going to go on blast. And not only are you going to give the bike back, but you are never going to steal again. I'm watching you and you're a little piece of shit and you're going to start doing better.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the, I think the escalation of the signs and things is good. I think what you could do is put a picture of Ben with his bike next to a picture of this kid and is knowing someone's Taken a picture of you is a lot scary. So.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, how about this? Take a photo of him. Take a photo of him on the bike and then see if you have a photo of the bike before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And side by side of like it's very clear. That's day four.

[Jake Johnson]

But you should be scaring him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I think you start escalating. I think you start escalating.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Jeff, he's got to be in like a Christmas movie where you're like, you know, holy. I have been so selfish and I'm now seeing everything falling apart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Day two, you just put some cuffs in the driveway.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So now, Jeff, Jeff, where are you at? Because I gotta say, I think we're cooking with gas over here. Where are you?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I. Yes, I. So that's where I went with it in, initially in, in my head. Because the psychological part.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jeff]

Systematic psychological pressure.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jeff]

As a high school teacher, that's what I have. Like, that's kind of what gives me confidence. These kids are, I've been doing it for a while, but they're big, they're, you know, they're high schoolers, they're insane. But I always kind of go back to like, my brain functions more correctly than yours, so I think I can figure this problem out and that's always helped me. So I, that's where I went. I'm. I'm a little, I'm not sure how comfortable I am with social. Would I be taking the pictures? Would I be laying the notes? Or is this Ben? Am I giving him.

[Jake Johnson]

No. So, Jeff, hold on, hold on. From this moment on, you're involved, but hold on. From this moment on, Ben is not involved at all.

[Jeff]

Oh, this is my journey.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I don't. I'm not talking to Ben.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Jeff, you called the show.

[Jake Johnson]

If I was. If we were talking to a seventh grade. Yeah. If we were talking to a seventh grade boy, it would be a different call. Yeah, we're talking to an adult man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Named Jeff and we're pitching adult solutions for a child's problem.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jeff, this is all you. And you have to make it very clear this has nothing to do with Ben. So I would almost do it. I think what you need to do is you wanted a little revenge and you want your nephew to get his bike back. And also as a teacher, you want this little 8th grade punk to learn a lesson.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, yeah, you've got to do moves so that you're not going to beat him up. You're not going to physically threaten him. All that's dog moves. But you could do is find a way to get in his head that he knows that there's somebody out there. There's the eyes of God in Sacramento that knows. Somebody knows that I have stolen. And my parents are going to find out soon. The police are going to find out soon. This whole little world of power that I've constructed is about to fall apart. And now this thing is saying, not only do I have to bring the bike back, but I have to do three other good things. You turn this into a Christmas miracle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you could do, Jeff, is I, we're sensing some hesitancy.

[Jake Johnson]

What you could do, I sense fear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Find the route and, and make it one epic day where there's a lot of signs on this kid's ride back and try to pack it all into one ride, where you've got flyers all over for his ride. You've got, as you get closer to his house, you've got a big sign. You've got a lot of guilt being laid out that day.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's got to be more than one day. I think what you're saying is right, Gare, in that. That makes it easier for Jeff. Yeah, but as an eighth grader, you could also go like, weird day. Who cares? Moving on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but what, what you don't want is, like, day six for like, like the kid's dad to be like, hey, you putting a sign up and be.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, oh, but you got to do it. You got to do it at weird times. Yes, but I, I, I think what you're doing is you're putting in his head that whether he likes it or not, the end is coming soon. So either he handles it or you do. Yes, but that, you know, it's the same thing. If you ever watch one of those, like, first 48, those detective shows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

They'll just say to the person, even though they don't have it, oh, yeah, we know it's, we know it's you. We have video evidence of you in the back of that Burger King. So is there something you want to say? And he'll go like, yeah, my cousin shot him, and I have proof of that. And you go like, thank you very much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we do know it's him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So you're just now saying, we know it's you. We have proof of it. But I want to see how you handle this, to see how hard I want to press, because stealing a bike is this level of crime, and this is what will Happen, there will be. Everybody in the town will know. They'll be flyered throughout the school. Most likely, you could either get suspended, possibly expelled, the police will get involved, your family will know, there will be a fine. There will be this. You have a choice to make. And his choice at first is going to be, I'm pretending I didn't just read that living nightmare note that I found in my backpack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Living nightmare.

[Jake Johnson]

And he's gonna go, that didn't happen. I threw it away. And then what you need is. And it's, you can't go as crazy as this. But my hope is he lays in bed, moves his pillow, there's another note, what's she gonna do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And again, like Jake said, you can't do that part. So just to be super clear, be clear, this is a fantasy.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Jeff, so what you've got to do is how do you figure out that this kid keeps seeing this thing until he finally leaves the bike back at school, doesn't take it, and your nephew can just grab it, and then I'd keep pushing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. All right, so listen, Jeff, that is. I think we'll both sign off on that as are a very effective.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now if you're uncomfortable with that, you already know the other pitches. There could be. You can go, you could present the argument, you could steal it back, you could be a grown up about it and go to his house and confront his family. Those are all options.

[Jake Johnson]

But hold on, because, Gareth, when I was younger, a neighborhood boy tried to steal my bike from my brother and I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

And my brother told my mom because the neighborhood boys were bigger and they were gonna kick our little asses.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I understand that move.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's. My brother was like, I'm not getting my ass kicked with my brother. My mom's tougher than both of us. She's gonna handle it. We went over to the house, my mom confronted his mom, confronted them in front of me. My mom, she left feeling heroic. For nine years, whenever I saw any one of those guys in my neighborhood, it was a sprint from them trying to kick my ass and me running away. So I was like, I don't think that's the move for friend's point of view.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I think there is something to the idea that street cred wise, you then be. Potentially can be. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And it would help you. You would feel like, you know, I let him know, but you're making a seventh grade boy's life hard. He's gonna have to go to high school with this kid. I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. So. So a pitch for us.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, as in number one pitch. A little psychological warfare. Some signs on the ride home.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A note if you can make it happen.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you're kind of leaving Ben out of this, and you're taking this on. What do you think, Jeff?

[Jake Johnson]

But two, another one, an easier one is just one big note at the school. Right. The flyer at the bike rack. And three is just go steal it back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeff, talk to us.

[Jeff]

Yeah, I. I, like. Like I said, I. The psycho. The psychological warfare is. Sits with me well. And it also title. It also is anonymous. Like, we could get our justice without anyone knowing, Right?

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Jeff]

There's no reveal moment.

[Jake Johnson]

Your notes could be. Your notes could be, like a ransom note. You could cut things out of old newspapers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Imagine walking in on your teacher, cutting letters out of magazines. Scenes.

[Jake Johnson]

It's an art project.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. He's just like, jesus.

[Jake Johnson]

It's about u. S. History somehow. So keep going, Jeff. So you want. So you're leaning towards this. This is exciting.

[Jeff]

I. Yeah, I. Yeah. It doesn't involve Ben. It is anonymous.

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy. And there's no physical threats to the boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, I'm not.

[Jeff]

Yeah, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeff got awful quiet about the physical stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't pause there, my man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Jay. Did you keep talking, Jeff?

[Jeff]

I gotta go.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff. No. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff. But the idea of that, Jeff, is you just plant in this kid's head that a nightmare is beginning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

And there's a way for it to end. And that is stop stealing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Return. Feel guilt. Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

And also return everything you've stolen. I want this kid going back to a pharmacy and being, like, crying and going like, I stole candy three years ago. Here's a buck fifty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I took twizzlers.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And the person working there goes like, I just started.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're a cvs.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not like we're a mob.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, exactly. We steal every day. That's why we work here. Why do you think we. Why do you think we unlocked the stereos so my cousin could steal them?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're locking razors up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So what do you think, Jeff?

[Jeff]

Yeah, I like that. I really do like that. I think. I think it gets over the phrase, you know, I know or I don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jeff]

But that is chilling. That's chilling.

[Jake Johnson]

And you could also put it, if you could, if you stalk where his bike is and it happens to not be in the garage. Because if it's in the garage, what's weird is his parents don't care that he stole a bike.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is weird.

[Jake Johnson]

If you go home. If an 8th grade boy comes home with a 300 bike, the question is, where'd you get the bike, pal? So he might be storing it outside.

[Jeff]

Right, that's what we were wondering. Which kind of made it a little more creepy is that what kid takes a bike home, somehow has it at home and then re. Rides it back to school and just keeps doing this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, like we said.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, this is a follow up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly. He's begging for it. So what we need from you is we need some report. Yeah, we need some reports back, some pictures. How long until you think you started?

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe no pictures. Maybe no pictures.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would say no pictures as much as I want them.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too. No pictures.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think no pictures.

[Mateo]

Yeah, right.

[Jake Johnson]

No, yeah, yeah, Pictures of the sign, for sure. Just no pictures of a little boy riding a bike.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want part of that heat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, let's. And just, you know, some discernment on your end as far. I mean, again, we're getting into some muddy waters here.

[Jake Johnson]

But the kids stole. So the point of this is to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get the bike back stalled. And any listeners, don't forget that part. The kids stole.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Jeff, here's what we need from you when we do a follow up. A little bit more about the kid, his backstory, what, where the bike is and photos of the early signage.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe keep some. Maybe keep a little notebook and some notes like it's a stakeout so you can update us with some hits as far as.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And don't be afraid to eat Chinese food in a car late at night alone. And if you get divorced, the case is taken over your life.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you eat pistachios, don't throw them outside because they can really pile up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Inside the car only. Okay, buddy.

[Jeff]

Got it. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, Jeff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Jeff, keep us posted.

[Jeff]

Okay. All right, we'll do.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is sponsored by Philo. Philo is a different way to get television. Is it me or has TV gotten really complicated? It's endlessly searching for my favorite shows or subscribing to a dozen different streaming services to make sure I can watch everything I love. I'm not into that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, and Philo's got current seasons of TV shows I can't miss on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery and TLC, classic shows like the Office and Martin, or even AMC. Plus shows like Mad Men. To Orphan Black. I just started watching Mad Men on Philo, okay? It's a great show. It's a lot of drinking, but you're like, oh, Gareth, that's all they have. That's a lot. Well, that's not all they have. They also have 75,000 movies and shows, all of which I can save and rewatch any time for a whole year. My mouth is excited, so never miss a minute of the shows you want to watch. Like I said, I'm watching Mad Men. There's some lethally blonde. Honestly, I met Mama June, so I've watched Little Mama June. Catfish, the show that kind of made Jake decide that we could do a podcast together and help people love after lockup. It goes on and on. Golden Girls. I've told you how much I love Golden Girls. And best of all, with Philo, you get this all for just 28amonth. There's no contract, no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Philo TV and check it out for a free seven day trial. That's P H I L O dot TV to start watching.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money. Rocket Money has been a longtime sponsor and we really like it. Gareth and I both use Rocket Money to cancel unwanted subscriptions. It can save you a lot of money and it's worth doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hey. Hey. Can we get your name, please?

[Zach]

Yes, you can. My name is.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo. And where are you calling from, bud?

[Zach]

From Texas.

[Jake Johnson]

Texas. Mateo from Texas. About how old are you?

[Zach]

I am 26.

[Jake Johnson]

26, Mateo. 26 Texas. What's your favorite animal? In the jungle or the city? Squirrels count. Raccoons? Cow?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, anywhere, I guess, is the question.

[Zach]

I would have to say a turtle. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you love about a turtle? Big dog.

[Jeff]

You know, they live a quiet time.

[Zach]

But they can definitely party.

[Jake Johnson]

They live a quiet. Hold on. They live a quiet life, but they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think. You don't push back. Don't. David. Poor guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo. What? How did turtles party?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, you've seen it. They eat pizza in the sewer. They do karate.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. Okay, I got you. He's talking about the ninjas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's watching teenagers. I was like, what a documentary.

[Jake Johnson]

These guys are cool as man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These turtles know how to. I don't know why more turtles aren't like this.

[Jake Johnson]

I bought a pet turtle. All it did was sit in a little puddle of water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They didn't fit enough. Pizza.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Mateo, what do you got for us today?

[Gareth Reynolds]

26 turtle. What's going on?

[Zach]

Okay, so I live in an apartment complex.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Zach]

And we have a lake with, you know, turtles, but with also a couple.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. Wildlife.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Yes.

[Zach]

And a couple of months ago, my wife and I noticed that this one duck in particular was very comfortable with coming up to people. He was extremely chill. And so I just kind of started to just kind of spend my spare time out there. And eventually he got very comfortable with me. I was able to pick him up. I did send a couple of pictures.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, Mateo, what I'm seeing is first of all, pure magic. It is you. Basically, you've gotten so comfortable with the duck that the duck is on your shoulder now, which I can only imagine other people in the complex would be like, that's. He has a favorite.

[Jake Johnson]

I also got to say, Mateo, it's a rough looking duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay, so. So you got. So we got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not trying to Duck shame, but. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But I mean, this is. This guy's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why's it got red eyes?

[Jake Johnson]

This guy's had some fights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so we did.

[Zach]

Well, we did decide to name the duck Gandalf.

[Jake Johnson]

Gandalf. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gandalf the duck.

[Jake Johnson]

So walk us through this, Mateo. So you go to a lake, at your apartment, There's a duck. The duck has mothered you. Essentially, you're its mother.

[Zach]

That is pretty much, yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Because there is a whole thing with animals that certain animals. And my guess is this guy has had a little bit of a tough go and could have been kicked out of his little troop because. Yeah, ducks are sons of. If you go on a deep rabbit hole and you Google these guys, they get. Yeah. I'm gonna tell you this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're thinking of geese.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm thinking. No. Geese are to people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

These are the biggest.

[Jake Johnson]

Ducks are to each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Geese will stalk you. Okay, so we're talking about. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Within the duck community.

[Zach]

Sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ducks.

[Jake Johnson]

Some ducks suck. And so merch. Some ducks suck. So my guess is this duck, at a very young age, with that funky face and that. That fur pattern, got kicked right out of the group. And so, yeah, I saw this whole documentary about animals. Documentary I'm not gonna acknowledge. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm apologizing already. Let's just keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

Moving on. They find other people to be their parent. Like, a hippo believes this weird guy is his dad, and he goes inside this guy's house. There's, like, a duck in a park. I think it was an echo park in la, follows the same guy every day. So I think what's happening, Mateo, is you are this funky duck's mom or dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. And so especially ducks. I think there's something specific to ducks. Imprinting.

[Jake Johnson]

Like imprinting is the word.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sees a person.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first thing it sees the duck is like, I think you're right. Dad, Mom.

[Jake Johnson]

So tell us this heartbreaking question now.

[Zach]

Okay. So it's becoming a bit of a problem. And I'll tell you in the ways that it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Zach]

The duck will not leave me, like, alone.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Zach]

And so I have to walk my dog, and the duck will bite onto My pants and will stay on the entire time. So now, as I'm trying to walk my dog, I am essentially dragging.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Zach]

Plus, it does chase me to my apartment. The door, which is on the top floor.

[Jeff]

It will literally take me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's trying to get in, though. This is. This is not from a place of aggression. This is love.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's see it from. Let's see it from Gandalf's point of view. He's like, ah, dad, what's up, my man? Where you going? Where are you going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who are you hanging out with?

[Jake Johnson]

Why did my dad close the door on me again?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Zach]

He will chase me up the stairs and then he will camp out literally the entire, like, today beyond. And so if I leave and come back, there is just crap.

[Jake Johnson]

I love this covering. Yeah. Well, from your. From your. So let me ask. Hold on, Matteo, before we get to the ending, because I gotta say, this is one of my favorite setups in a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great setup.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And I gotta ask you now, and you gotta be real.

[Jeff]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What is your responsibility in this relationship? Did you feed this little son of a. Were you extra kind to him? Did you have a lot of bread early on? Or did he just imprint on you as you were walking? What did you do?

[Zach]

Sir, that is a great question. When we met the duck. My duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Zach]

When we met the duck, my wife was like, do not give that duck stuff to eat.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo, you married a smart woman. But I can guarantee you didn't listen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, obviously, this duck is doorman.

[Jake Johnson]

You go, what do you know? I'm gonna give it some bread. And now you're like, I've gone too far.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, how about this? I'm a duck daddy. And now you have crap every time you leave your house.

[Zach]

I think I gave him, like, one cookie. It was, like, one small kind of cookie.

[Jake Johnson]

I know this matter. Unless you're hungry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This matters.

[Jeff]

All right.

[Zach]

Vanilla wafer, vanilla waiver.

[Jake Johnson]

You're a wild man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's wild.

[Jake Johnson]

This is 100. On you. The duck goes, this is the sweetest treat I've ever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are literally the sugar daddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. This is 100% your fault, but I.

[Zach]

Need to tell you all the most traumatic part.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Shit.

[Zach]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You.

[Zach]

You must know a lot about, like, animals and stuff. I don't know if you guys are knowledgeable on this, but ducks have a nine inch corkscrew penis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

You did know that one day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. If you Google duck boner on YouTube, your mind will be absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Google that. Ever. In the first place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Jake, what I love about the show is it's not about us.

[Jake Johnson]

No, this moment is. This moment is. Why would you ever go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're about to say that I'm knowing that a duck has a corkscrew penis. I'll let you talk, but I'm not going to let you paint me in that corner. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to ask you a question. I said earlier, I've gone on deep YouTube.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

I've never thought to text.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I don't think you've gone deep dicks. You know, you've not gone deep actually, in the pictures. Yeah. It's like a piece of freshly cooked pasta.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really? What we should really be talking about. What we should be talking about is the female duck vagina. But we won't get into that.

[Jake Johnson]

But how do you know this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, if you. I take interest in animals for as long as I have, eventually you hear the lore and you find out that a duck's penis is like a pig's tail.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, see, it is.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so penis is a corkscrew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So what's the duck. What's the vagina all about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That we don't know. I assume it's a wine bottle. I don't know. I don't think we know. I don't think we know what the. I've never seen.

[Jake Johnson]

Were they created this way?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The world is strange and the penis evolved. And I think what we should be asking is why aren't ours like that? But Mateo, the show's not about our penises or the ducks. But you were making the point. Jake's now seen a duck penis.

[Jake Johnson]

Where were you going for a second?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta stop first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get over it.

[Jake Johnson]

A duck's penis is like a corkscrew. And I know you know this, Gareth, but what is the female duck's vagina?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't take. I'm telling you, I've. I've fallen in that quack.

[Jake Johnson]

Matt, do you know?

[Jeff]

Yes.

[Zach]

A female duck vagina is a crew, but going in the like opposite.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's a perfect match. Okay. There's an image of it. Okay. By the way. Okay, great. So they were made perfectly for each other. Who's doing that? Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is. I've never seen the bone form. That is alarming.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob. Well done. Yes. Okay, great. So now it's a weird dick, but it's a weird vagina and they work well together. No more questions. Mateo, why the are we talking about their dicks?

[Zach]

Yeah, because there was a day when Gandalf was climbing on me, and I spotted it and it scared me, and I pushed him off, and I sprinted. I sprinted up my staircase. It was literally Jurassic Park. Like, I sprinted up my stairs, and I did. And he camped outside my door. I do have clips of his penis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do we have.

[Zach]

I can definitely get those.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll put him at the end of the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was. It.

[Zach]

But. But that was very traumatic and kind of changed the tone of the relationship. Yeah, kind of like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Zach]

And so now I don't know what to do about this duck. It gives me a lot of stress when I just want to, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, you rejected him just because he's got a weird dick?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, because you can't reject your duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Son, because he's becoming.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bang. Dolph.

[Jake Johnson]

Dick came out because he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I understand, and I'll tell you why. I don't know Mateo well, but I'll bet you he doesn't have an inverted corkscrew vagina.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, you know what, Gareth? Don't make presumptions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I mean, I. No shame. Yeah, I hope you do. God bless if you do.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a perfect match for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's time for you accept your face. So now I get it. You liked this little guy, you flirted with him, you gave him a vanilla wafer, and then when his dick came out, you not ready to party, and you ran away. And now he sits outside your door on your doorstep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, does it now make sense when you asked the start of the call what his favorite animal was that he mentioned the only other thing in the lake outside.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what's weird about it. But, Mateo, here's why I blame you. Because even through this, you haven't learned. I go, what do you like about him? You said they like to party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They like to party.

[Jake Johnson]

People say sex stuff like, hey, man, she's cool. She likes to party. So I think you might have a weird thing with animals. I think you might be leading them on, because I don't think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Turtles playing with the duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you give this. Did you give this duck a Viagra?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you ever drank beer with the duck? Okay, well, listen, it's a hell of a setup.

[Jake Johnson]

But then what is the specific question?

[Zach]

I guess just, what should I do about.

[Jake Johnson]

No, keep going, keep going, keep going.

[Zach]

Well, and then, plus, he does just kind of chase, like, when people come over. We have, you know, we do have, you know, parties and people associated with you.

[Jake Johnson]

He Wants to fuck all Mateo's friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's territorial.

[Zach]

Whenever people come over, they'll be like, hey, man, I just got chased by this, like, duck up his duck with this weird dick.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow, that's incredible, man. What a setup. Now, are other people in the building getting terrorized by this duck, or is it just you? Because if it's a community thing, or is it a Mateo and Mateo's friend specific. Because if so, what a duck.

[Zach]

So there are people in my building that do like the duck and that do not like him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a mix.

[Zach]

But. But I do tend to, like, carry him. And so people do know that me and the duck do have this type of, like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so you went to. You went too far.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Has the duck's behavior generally gotten wor. Worse since you opened the vanilla wafer door? Has. Has the behavior changed then?

[Zach]

Yes. I feel like time has gone on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, then I got some pitches. It's crazy. This is an insane. Yes, an insane setup.

[Jake Johnson]

Save your pitches for one more second. Okay, but you're gonna go first. So, Mateo, what is then the specific question? Is it. What do I do now? Is it because we got a great setup? It's not going to be a. It's not going to be a call the city because half the building likes them. You fed them. You picked them up a lot. So you're. You're in this relationship.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. And I also don't like the idea of having to displace the ducks now.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I don't want that.

[Jake Johnson]

So, okay, so what is the specific question? We. And by the way, best setup in a long time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. It's fantastic.

[Jake Johnson]

But what is the actual specific question we can try to help lock in?

[Zach]

I guess my specific question is, what do I do now about this duck that will not leave me, like, alone? Okay, how do I go about this?

[Jake Johnson]

That helps.

[Zach]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, Mateo, you phrase it nicely in the email. How to break up with.

[Jake Johnson]

With the duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think maybe that's also a way.

[Zach]

That you can play it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I. Unfortunately, a traditional breakup is not possible here, because you would have to sit the duck down and at an Italian.

[Jake Johnson]

Restaurant, so you can't freak out around other people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, and you got to be careful if you're eating an Italian meal with a duck, because you might end up eating its penis, thinking it's part of the pasta stuff. But I thought that. Do more. I'm gonna pitch a couple things. Do you want to go first, Jake, or do you want.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you got Something I want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You to cook, you're going to need to do. I think all. First thing that came into my head.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is outfits. You need to convince this duck that you're no longer around. And the only way to do that is to rock some to car and from car disguises. And you need to make that seem like a thing for a while. Now, disguise wise, I'm going to pitch one thing that I think you could pull off, and one thing that is pie in the sky. You're going to be like, I don't want to do that. Why don't I start with the outfit I think you should do if you want to still be able to live a regular existence and have your neighbors not be like, hey, is Mato okay?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is just like a gumshoe, just like an overcoat, a hat, maybe even a long fake beard. You just don't want to present as big sunglasses. Big sunglasses. Your mat's gone. You. So make the duck think that you no longer throw a lot of cologne.

[Jake Johnson]

On so you have a different size.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you have a doormat in front of the apartment, get rid of it. If you don't, don't put one there. Just, you know, maybe put a wreath on the door. Just present like Mateo's. Non.

[Jake Johnson]

I think. I think it's a good pitch. Can I give a different type of pitch? But I'm not on that pitch, because that might be our winner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then I'll give you my crazy disguise. But go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let's hear the crazy disguise pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wear a duck outfit.

[Zach]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna move on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, Let me just say, it's just. The duck will be like, holy. I don't want to go next to that enormous duck.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you might be wrong. I think it might go like I. That duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then we go to the gumshoe outfit.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just glad I got it out. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

So my kind of thing is maybe a little close to the where the duck thing, but, I mean, it is a serious pitch. I would go get a taxidermy duck, and I would start carrying it with you to and from your office so that Gandalf goes like you're in a relationship. And I would get the. I would get a male duck duck, and I would make sure it's bigger than Gandalf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now you talk a penis out.

[Zach]

No, that's not a bad idea.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, you could just get a big piece of pasta and stick it on, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't ask the taxidermist at any point in my life, can I get a duck? You got one with the dick out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you do it towards the end of the Internet. You don't open with it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you go, you've set a price, and then you go for another 800 bucks, you think you can throw the dick on that thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I, I, it's crazy. My wife, I guess my wife just texted me. She, is there any way to get a dick on?

[Jake Johnson]

This is insane. This is insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What does that mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Let me just read this email. She wrote, can I get the noodle dick on that thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there any way to get the rigatoni on the duck?

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what I would do, Mateo. I would go find a very realistic duck, and I would start walking it with you, and I would, you know, you're breaking up with them. And the best way to break up with somebody is if the person's like, we're not through. You're just being weird. You then go, like, can I introduce you to my new partner?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, I'm really sorry, but I've changed. And, you know, this is Jerry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's, that's real good. I, I think either way, we're suggesting there needs to be a new way to get in and out of your home to your car.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think so.

[Jake Johnson]

And what do you think when you hear those two? Mateo, where are we living right now?

[Zach]

Know, I really like the idea of getting a taxed German one. And I could even just, like, kind of like, put it out on my porch.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Zach]

Cuz then scan off maybe, like, oh, there is one up there. Like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Yes.

[Zach]

I think that's a good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

What is what, where you're living? Mato in Texas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What eats the ducks? You got coyotes.

[Zach]

We have coyotes. But, but we live in a, like, sort of, like, protected area. And I believe that the ducks were actually brought, like, to the.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotcha. Okay, so there's no, there's nothing that Gandalf's afraid of. And I wasn't saying bring a coyote, but I was thinking maybe have a little coyote piss in a bottle that you just spray near your door and around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, hey. I like what I like about the shows. We jump in sometimes and, you know, protect ourselves from our own pitches. I think you have a winner. Don't talk past the close, but what's the winner?

[Jake Johnson]

The DID mate has a duck attack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some dermy duck, and he's gonna put it by the porch duck. I mean, you could have one. You could have a walking duck and a porch duck merch. Always have a walking duck and a porch duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Or half the jazz. Porch duck. All right, keep going, Mateo.

[Zach]

To be honest, though, know. To be honest, I'm not opposed to the duck costume. I think that would just be like.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, but hold on. But are you doing that to be funny or do you think it's going to actually work?

[Zach]

I think it'll scare them.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. If you're doing it to scare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you do videos online, sometimes people, like, people will wear a dog outfit around their dog and the dog will be right. Oh, yeah. But I think. Let's start part.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold up, hold on. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

If Mateo's interested in putting on a full duck outfit with a huge duck dick and running at Gandalf, and he's not doing it to be funny. He thinks it's gonna work. You're going away from that video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, I am not suggesting you run at Gandalf or just walk near it. You're just walking to and from your car now as a duck, and you're.

[Jake Johnson]

Just letting him know, like, there's a new duck in town. Town.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That in his little duck brain, he's going, a big duck moved into Matos.

[Jake Johnson]

Or a big duck just claimed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My man's banging a big duck.

[Jake Johnson]

And then he goes. He doesn't even let Mato out of the house. I should have done that in the first place. Just locked him up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he was.

[Jake Johnson]

He's too cute to walk these streets. God damn, that duck did it right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Walking around looking like.

[Jake Johnson]

But then I think what you got to do is you got to. When you make eye contact with Gandalf, you have to have a little move where all of a sudden you pull out your rigatoni dick and it is two feet long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I think, I mean, look, we love the dick part of this. I think instead of whipping out your duck long, what would be better would be to, like, just take your wing and just kind of do a point and then maybe do the, like, cutthroat with the wing.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't believe G. I believe it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As much as you believe whipping out a duck.

[Jake Johnson]

I believe the whipping out the ducting for sure. What do you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where are you going to find a human sized duct?

[Jake Johnson]

Italian restaurant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, listen, Mateo, go to an Italian market. We've basically. We've basically. Or make it at home. Basically. Got the pitch for you.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. One of two things. You're either carrying a taxidermy or you're Dressing as a duck. I think for the purposes of our show, it'd be great for you to start out in the duck costume. But whatever you want to do, we're here to help you. So what do you think you're going to lead with? And, yes, we want video of whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Of everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We expect video of whatever it is.

[Zach]

I can definitely look online. Braid duck costume. As far as taxidermy, I mean, hey. I mean, we're in Texas.

[Jake Johnson]

You can get that easily.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, they sell, like. Yeah, yeah, you'll be able to find that, no problem.

[Zach]

Yeah. I'll be honest. I want to do the duck outfit, but I do think that the duck taxes. Jeremy, is going to be the most.

[Jake Johnson]

So start with it, Mateo. So start with what's gonna. Yeah, right there. We're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, they're available. Yeah, they're really gonna. Please do this.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what. Here's what I think you do, Mateo. I think your instincts are right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not the ones you find in nature, but the ones you find in the tub.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo, these aren't for you. These are just for the people who see the video, but they are pretty damn good. But here, Mateo, I think your instinct is correct. Start with the taxidermy duck. I would make it very realistic if you could and see what happens from there. If it doesn't work, then maybe get in the duck outfit. But what I'm gonna. I know Gareth is, too. Will you please follow up? This has been my favorite call in a while. I. I would like to know how this whole thing ends, my friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We deserve this.

[Zach]

Oh, yes, yes. Whatever path we take, I will record it and get it to y'all. And I have a ton of clips of him chasing me and his.

[Jake Johnson]

Do me a favor and send them all, and we'll just. We'll just connect them up to the end of this one. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what would be nice would be for maybe when we revisit this, we can start by watching some of the attacks.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The development with our input.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a great idea. And then how about calling us back in, like, a month?

[Zach]

Okay. Would you guys want me to cut the clip into a sort of compilation or.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you're offering to edit for free, absolutely. Yes. Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. We want a documentary. See how it does on round two. Anything? Nope. Okay. Well, there you go, Mato. Well done. And keep us posted.

[Zach]

Yes, I'll absolutely get back to you guys. And a. And I just absolutely love this podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. Hey, Mat. Well, I gotta say, you've just become a. You absolutely have become a big part of it. And we're expecting a few follow ups with you, sir.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's how easy it is. If you're listening and you're like, I want to be a part of this podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Just be in a weird relationship. Be in a weird relationship with a duck. Have the duck make sexual passes at you. Be open to dressing up as to talk to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If you want to be a part of this show, make your life weird, then you call. That's how this works. It's symbiotic. All right, Mato. Thank you.

[Zach]

Yeah, guys, take.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Hungry Root. When it comes to grocery shopping and meal planning, I've got this problem. I never know exactly what ingredients I'm going to need to make something, but I want to eat healthy and I want it to be easy. And hungryroot is the solution that has been working for me.

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[Jake Johnson]

This message is sponsored by Greenlight. You've probably been thinking about 2025 for quite a while now. From everything you want to do, like deciding where to take the kids on vacation, to everything you have to do, like figuring out what your budget will be for the year. Greenlight is a debit card and money app made for families that let kids learn how to save, invest and spend wisely. I've said it before in the show, but we use green light with my kids and it's helping a lot. It's teaching the ideas of money and savings, which I like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

With a new year comes a chance to reimagine ourselves for the better and more importantly, our closets. This year I'm resolving to refresh my look with quality pieces and stay on budget. And I can thanks to Quince.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love Quince. I love everything about Quince. They have a Mongolian cashmere sweater from $60, but truly, I'm not kidding. Everything I've gotten from Quince I love. I wear. People love it when they see me in it. The clothing is so nice that I pretty much try to wear it only for shows and I have trouble only sticking to that because I just think it is the best. They have great tees and tech shorts. However you choose to refresh yourself this year they're all priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They eliminate the middleman. They work with factories that use safe, ethical, responsible manufacturing practices, which is important. And they use premium fabrics and finishes so that you feel the luxury in every piece. Upgrade your closet this year without the upgraded price tag. Go to quint.com hereto help for 365 day returns plus free shipping on your order. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com heretohelp to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quits.com heretohel hello. Hi caller. Hey, welcome back to the show. We're here to help. You have Jake, you have Gareth. We know that you are a follow up but will you tell us your name and will you tell Us what your first call was.

[Mateo]

Yes. My name is Zach, and I am the Batman nerd with the Spider man love and song.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, right. We were trying to nudge your son in your direction a little bit, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Wasn'T there also something like you were gonna lie to him, and we were saying don't lie to him? Was that this one's necessarily lie?

[Mateo]

I. I don't believe we're going with lie. It was more nudging to let him be, pretty much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So. Okay, wait, so give us.

[Jake Johnson]

Give us take over for a second. Walk us through what your first call was, what happened, what our solution was, and what you've done.

[Mateo]

Yeah, so my first call, I called in about my son might like Spider Man a little more, and I'm more of a Batman nerd, and I was basically trying to get him to like Batman with me to bond over something. Garrett's first suggestion was to reenact the Batman scene by killing both his parents. That's surprisingly hard to find on Craig with.

[Zach]

I retract that pitch.

[Mateo]

Yeah, no worries. There was another one where we were going to show him how much it hurts to have a spider bite by having, like, a spider bite me. His mouth and just be like, this is not what happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That holds up for me.

[Jake Johnson]

That kind of holds up to me a little bit.

[Mateo]

Ultimately, we get. We came to the conclusion of, like, story time before bed, of just making my own stories for him and just spending that a little extra time at night before bed. So that way, it gets them, like, excited, and we just.

[Zach]

Yeah, we.

[Mateo]

We started with about, like, once a week, per Jake's suggestion. It started off really good. Like, it. He liked it. I was just trying to go off of, like, what I knew from my comic knowledge. No, this is it. I. I believe we.

[Jeff]

We.

[Mateo]

We can ring the bell, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, okay. Keep going.

[Mateo]

It's.

[Jake Johnson]

It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's going.

[Mateo]

It's going good. Um, he got excited, and then he kept bringing me his children's book called Bedtime for Batman and wanted me to read that a little more. So I read that. And. And surprisingly enough, there's a. A show on Netflix. I guess I. I would say it's more for, like, older kids, like, probably 10 to 15, called the Batman. It's a little darker. But my son's now been asking me, like, before bed to watch an episode or two. Like, he's been bringing it up, up. So, I mean. I mean, he might not be 100 on Batman, but he definitely enjoys that time that we spend together with the stories and, and the shows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I think this is so far, Spider man presence. Now, what is like, what. How much is he asking for Spider man or how much is Spider man still present?

[Mateo]

He still has like Spider man like books and he really loves story time, so he will bring me some Spider man books. But I, I do think that I see Batman like taking over, like more like he. He does lean more towards the Batman book and the. And the show.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is a victory, Zach. So. And you're still. This is a victory and you're reading to him at night and he's now bringing up more Batman stuff and you're. You're not taking him away from his main love, but you're just influencing him the way. Apparently that's a nudge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The.

[Mateo]

The slight nudge. And, and just I. I think. I think like for him, he just enjoys that time with me as well as much as I do. So he. He knows I, he's. He is like lean in that way. Just in general.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, are you thinking about maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Peppering in a Batman gift or a Batman mask or something like that soon?

[Mateo]

That was going to be like my father, like, I am thinking about buying him like his first comic book.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right.

[Mateo]

Because, you know, it's more like. It is older, but it's still like a picture book and I can read it to him. So I was considering doing that.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you should, Zach. I think now we heighten it and now you start doubling down a little bit more. I think you could one day when he's ready for a movie, you rent like the original Batman and look cartoony too, but it just becomes more and more that like, of course he likes Spider Man. He can like whatever he wants. But you are just continuing to get him things that are Batman themed because that's your guys's bond. And if he wants to somehow get his own money and buy Spider man stuff at his, then I guess he could figure that. That out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, he can leave the house this Batman home.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but like he's allowed to. I guess you could.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. You go to the garage and do his little weird thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Who knows? But in this house, it's just. We're leaning more in that direction. It seems like that's the way you guys are going. And it sounds like, Gareth, we would be ringing the bell if you had it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the bell's going to the bell's. We're going to need the bell to get repaired soon. It's turning into The Liberty Bell with all the ringing. But yeah, let's give it a bang.

[Jake Johnson]

And so I did have a little.

[Mateo]

Bit more of a follow up for you guys and maybe a question, if you're willing. Oh, sure, I. November 25th, I called it early October, but November 25th, my wife gave birth to our first daughter and we named her Ivy after poison ivy. So now I gotta try to figure out, get ahead of the game and get this girl into plants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So cute.

[Jake Johnson]

Get this girl into what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What plants?

[Mateo]

Plants like poison ivy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Zach, let's. Let's enjoy the. The baby for a few more months.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we start thinking about how we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get the poison ivy idea to her little head.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think that'll be the next.

[Mateo]

Follow up, I guess.

[Jake Johnson]

But look, for starters, what we're going to want to do is we're going to want to get some plants in her bedrooms. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to have to want to green. Green plants the aesthetic for all her baby photos to be lush and green and ivy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe dad dresses up like a bush every now and then, but we're going.

[Jake Johnson]

To want to just set, set the table that this is the direction she's going in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But she has to go in.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a call for three years from now. Right now, we're going to win season four. This is season four.

[Mateo]

Season four.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Season four. Zach.

[Jake Johnson]

Zach, congratulations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, bud.

[Mateo]

Thank you, guys. I appreciate everything.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, pal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, buddy, you have a.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions Executive producer. There's Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer, Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdyke, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, how I love you, Mrs. Gingerbread.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the perfect little cat just for me. I love you, love you, love you.

[Mateo]

I'm always thinking of you I hope that you're thinking of me Pom Pom.

[Jake Johnson]

Pom all video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

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Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl Same welcome to why Won't yout Date Me? The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week I get real with comedians, friends and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Hadditch, and so many more. So whether you're single mingling or Buddha up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into why won't you date me with me, Nicole Byer and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.