147: Cooking In Soup & Long Island Lisa (with Michael Cera)

Summary

Podcast Episode Summary: We're Here to Help - Episode 147: Cooking In Soup & Long Island Lisa (with Michael Cera)

Release Date: February 17, 2025
Host: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Michael Cera

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Introduction

In Episode 147 of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle two intriguing listener questions ranging from personal boundaries in shared spaces to navigating parenting challenges with imaginative children. Joined by special guest Michael Cera, the trio delves into practical advice infused with humor and camaraderie.

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Caller 1: Navigating Privacy with Neighbors' Hot Tub Use

Caller: Sam from Grand Rapids, Michigan
Issue: Sam's office window overlooks a residential backyard where a couple frequently uses their hot tub sans clothing. This ongoing situation has made Sam feel uncomfortable and creeped out due to the lack of privacy barriers.

Discussion Highlights:

• Sam's Dilemma: Sam describes feeling uneasy watching the couple's nudity from the office, leading to feelings of guilt and discomfort.

  Sam [17:38]: "...they have a privacy fence, but it only goes up to the base of the hot tub."

• Hosts' Advice: Jake and Gareth brainstorm solutions, emphasizing respect and non-confrontational approaches. Michael Cera suggests creating a subtle deterrent without escalating tensions.

  Michael Cera [24:06]: "Why don't you build yourself a wooden window blocker using your skills?"

• Proposed Solutions:

  • Window Blockers: Utilizing woodworking skills to craft simple barriers that obscure the view.
  • Communication: Leaving a polite, non-accusatory note expressing discomfort and requesting privacy during specific times.
  • Non-Confrontational Gestures: Including gestures like leaving a bottle of wine to foster goodwill while addressing the issue.

Notable Quote:

Jake Johnson [25:00]: "You literally just put up... And it's a funny message, as if it was like an R-rated thing that it gets blurred out."

Conclusion: The hosts recommend a balanced approach combining subtle privacy enhancements with respectful communication, allowing Sam to address his discomfort without escalating the situation.

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Caller 2: Enhancing Parent-Child Connection Amidst Imaginative Play

Caller: Kylie from Rhode Island
Issue: Kylie's three-year-old daughter, Darcy, shows a strong preference for interacting with fictional characters Lisa and Janice over her parents during playtime. This dynamic leads to challenges in garnering attention and cooperation from Darcy.

Discussion Highlights:

• Kylie's Concern: Kylie shares feelings of embarrassment and frustration as Darcy consistently chooses to engage with Lisa and Janice, sidelining her and her husband.

  Kylie [45:53]: "...she'll ask to talk to Lisa instead of me. She won't listen to me."

• Hosts' Strategy Session: Jake, Gareth, and Michael collaborate to develop strategies to strengthen Kylie's bond with Darcy while respecting Darcy's imaginative play.

  • Character Integration: Introducing parent characters with positive attributes and rewards to make interactions more appealing to Darcy.
  • Consistency and Patience: Encouraging Kylie to remain patient and consistent in her approach to gradually shift Darcy's preferences.
  • Interactive Solutions: Suggesting practical methods like offering lollipops or engaging in activities Darcy enjoys to build rapport.

Role-Playing Exercise:

To illustrate their advice, the hosts engage in a role-playing session where Kylie practices interacting with Darcy as both Lisa and Kate, aiming to balance fun and authority.

Notable Quote:

Michael Cera [54:12]: "I think, you know, giving a fresh perspective is valid advice."

Conclusion: The hosts propose a multifaceted approach that leverages Kylie's understanding of Darcy's preferences, integrating positive reinforcements and interactive methods to enhance the parent-child relationship without undermining Darcy's creative expression.

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Guest Segment: Michael Cera's Personal Anecdote

Guest: Michael Cera shares a personal story about discovering a childhood letter he wrote to his future son, highlighting the enduring impact of past intentions and emotional connections.

Discussion Highlights:

• Michael's Discovery: At his mother's home, Michael finds a heartfelt letter he penned at age ten, addressed to his son, encapsulating his early hopes and love.

  Michael Cera [106:35]: "...I hope you're enjoying the future because I'm sure enjoying the past."

• Emotional Reflection: Michael reflects on the significance of preserving meaningful connections and how this discovery has reinforced his appreciation for family and personal growth.

Notable Quote:

Michael Cera [107:24]: "It's the turn of the millennium or something and it's got a lot of stuff. I don't know. It says like the sign off. It says I hope you're enjoying the future because I'm sure enjoying the past."

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Final Thoughts and Next Steps

The episode wraps up with Kylie's commitment to implementing the discussed strategies and a promise from the hosts to follow up on progress. The collaborative and supportive environment underscores the podcast's mission to provide heartfelt and practical advice to listeners.

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Key Takeaways

1. Respectful Communication: Addressing privacy concerns with neighbors requires a balance of tact and firmness, utilizing non-confrontational methods to express discomfort.
2. Parent-Child Bonding: Strengthening connections with children amidst their imaginative play involves integrating fun activities, positive reinforcements, and consistent engagement.
3. Personal Growth: Reflecting on past intentions and emotional connections can provide valuable insights into personal development and relationships.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sam [17:38]: "...they have a privacy fence, but it only goes up to the base of the hot tub."
• Michael Cera [24:06]: "Why don't you build yourself a wooden window blocker using your skills?"
• Jake Johnson [25:00]: "You literally just put up... And it's a funny message, as if it was like an R-rated thing that it gets blurred out."
• Michael Cera [54:12]: "I think, you know, giving a fresh perspective is valid advice."
• Michael Cera [106:35]: "...I hope you're enjoying the future because I'm sure enjoying the past."

---

This episode of We're Here to Help masterfully combines listener interactions with expert advice, all wrapped in the hosts' signature humor and warmth. Whether dealing with boundary issues or parenting hurdles, Jake, Gareth, and Michael offer thoughtful and actionable solutions to enhance listeners' lives.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Kylie]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Kate]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Back.

[Jake Johnson]

No, about you were teasing my hoodie. And then you said. Well, I was gonna just start the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

First of all, you've got a jar of marbles behind you.

[Jake Johnson]

Marbles. These are nuts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait, hold on, hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Marbles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, hold on. So wait, let me. Did you just work out?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did you do?

[Jake Johnson]

I've been working with a great trainer in Rudy Garcia. We've been.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I wanted to ask you about the. It's amazing. I wanted to ask you about The Jiu Jitsu life.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Rudy, what is your update? Well, Rudy was my Jiu Jitsu trainer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. And have we changed the workouts?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I've just. I've stopped doing Jiu Jitsu because something happened to my right knee. And it happened not while I was fighting or sparring, but I was alive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Non contact.

[Jake Johnson]

Non contact.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Which is the worst.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's been like so bad you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can'T even make fun of it. What. What is what happened?

[Jake Johnson]

So remember when we. Nothing. That's the worst part of it. Remember when we used to make fun when we would play Frisbo? We would tease you about being an Oldsmobile. I'm an Oldsmobile.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nothing happened.

[Jake Johnson]

It just my knee. Something happened. And then when I would like bend down to get up my. Like if I get out of a car, my right knee freezes like an old man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. It's like you can tell when a storm's coming.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But even in very. The. What I really wish happened was that like some 22 year old punk did it to me and I put up a good fight. Which is worse is I was laying around, man. My knee just went like. Too many years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, I'm ending. Well, that's when my mother. When my mother had her hip replaced, she was like, I'm back, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

And I was like, well, your mother's hips have been worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, here's.

[Jake Johnson]

I just mean she walks all the time. Where were you going with that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's brutal.

[Jake Johnson]

She's a big walker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop talking for a little bit. Now I understand.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I was going to say is because you said you were shirtless and you just threw a hoodie on.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is funny how, like, if we're meeting to do the show, totally different. It's like such an event. I'm packing lunch where if we're meeting.

[Jake Johnson]

You'Re wearing a weird vest and we're both dressed in do our clothing from.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Head to toe or quince.

[Jake Johnson]

If not, we're both in short shorts with weird hoodies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the way that we're like. It's, it's. We should like. It takes two minutes to set up and you're still like, jesus Christ, I'm gonna be late.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. But I will say, God damn, do I love a zoom. Oh, it's great for somebody who's a homebody who likes to just stay in your routine. This is the greatest technology of the last chunk of years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I agree. I even like with my schedule being gone all the time, it's so. It means we can do the show every week or bank every week or whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, I had a moment during the pandemic when I was doing press for something. It might have been hoops, but I had to do a full press tour from home. But it was before you and I were doing a podcast, so I had not. I did not even think of Zoom yet. If you remember when I did Zoom, early on your podcasts, I would. I. I never planned it. I was the worst guest. I was so bad with technology.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it was. It was really bad. And we were like, okay, let's go. Like you. I think you ended up recording it on your phone and in like an echo chamber.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but I'm doing Kelly Ripa and Ryan Seacrest, I believe, was the co host at the time. And it's six in the morning. My kids were staying up late. I think I was doing a Jeff Bayne, a poker game the night before. My hours were all over the place. And I get on the Zoom. I'm in this exact spot, but this room used to be a closet. And as I'm talking about the project with Kelly Ripa, she goes, are you in a closet, Jake? And I realized I was on live television and she could see my wife's dresses that were 15 years old. And she goes like. And then Ryan Seacrest is roasting me, and I had a moment of like, this is a nightmare. Actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once you take care of the background, it's better. But that's the thing. Zoom roasting. It's like the background Zoom roast. It's so low hanging fruit.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. It's a really enjoyable 20, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. No, it was better. Yeah, you really could get away with it.

[Jake Johnson]

Every meeting I used to start on Zoom. By the way, you got a pair of pants hanging behind you. I haven't even commented.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

You just have pants hanging behind you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honestly, you should have seen my, like, Jason Bourne identification. I go to the pants as we were talking, like, boy, those pants are pretty. Yeah, Just stand out.

[Jake Johnson]

But you are right about the Zoom. How little it matters because there's no way I would be wearing a hoodie shirtless underneath before knowing I would get roasted. Who cares?

[Michael Cera]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're still sweaty because you've been working out with Rick Garcia, trainer.

[Jake Johnson]

Be careful. I wouldn't talk trash.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm pretty tough not talking trash. Get their name wrong a little bit. You said my mother's hips have been worked. So if I get your trainer's name wrong by three letters, let's just relax.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Should we briefly talk about the podcast war, or should we just let social media do the talking?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you know, Lamor Morris is a filthy liar who wears pajama outfits on the street.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're gonna talk about it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't think we need to. He's an utter clown. If me and him were in a battle, he would for sure be Drake and I'd be Kendrick Lamar. It wouldn't even be a question. He's 100% Drake. That's his vibe. He's a. Lamor's a sweet guy. He's a little. He's a little geek. He's a dor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But let's just.

[Jake Johnson]

He should get locker by bullies like you and me. Tough.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got lockers. Thank God. Let's just contextualize it a little bit. And that you did his show, you talked about how on our show, about how the reaction to our podcast on his show was better than the reaction to even his podcast at his show. Yeah, that led him to absolutely deep fake a video with reactions. We're not idiots. We. We know.

[Jake Johnson]

We're talking about footage from Apollo 25 to 30 years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The heyday. But it's officially heyday is the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Nothing better than when our era of growing up, probably the 90s, watching after SNL, when I'd be disappointed in SNL and I'd go, like, I don't know. I mean, it was okay. I wanted to like it more. And then all of a sudden, Steve Harvey would come out there. Every guest would come out, they would rub the rock, and I would go, the log. Yeah, the log. And then the sandman would come out. The fact that you were allowed to boo people off stage, what a gift that show gave us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really was amazing. And I wonder, like, what it did to the child. Like, the child that was just like, I want to perform. Like, I remember being like, holy. I mean, the intimidation factor on bombing at Apollo, only to be countered by if someone goes in and kill the dragon, like the snake, then. And kill.

[Jake Johnson]

So this won't surprise you, but my dream with Bill Bungroth, who I just went to Portland with, he. Do you know Billy Bungro at all?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Quick shout out to Portland really fast. He and I, he. He had prostate cancer and he had it removed. And so he went. He's like, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take, like, a little trip to celebrate. I'm gonna go to Portland. And I was like, what if I came up and surprised you. And we just had. Not really surprised, but just came up. We had like 24 hours together. We stayed at a hotel called the W. It. I'd never been to Portland. I'd never. I didn't know where to go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, really?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I mean, the. I loved it, right at the hotel, which we. We loved. It was one of those places you could kind of hang out in there. And then we just walked around the city. We went to the Japanese Gardens. We went to some, like, Portland outdoor store. That was. It was just. Everything about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's great.

[Jake Johnson]

I was like, man, I have been told Portland's one thing. It's awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It. Portland, like any major city, has areas that are like, of course, you know, have difficulties. But overall, as a city, there's just. It's such a walkable, easy town.

[Jake Johnson]

But if you go up there and you're doing stand up, stay at the Woodlark, do the experience. Don't get a car, just walk around. Yeah, I was like, it was fun, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I. I would love to do that. And I'm glad. And. And I'm glad your buddy's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is, everyone should get checked your psi. But this is about our show and.

[Jake Johnson]

About how our show with Bill. And then I tangented.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't matter.

[Jake Johnson]

This is the same. Who cares?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we were talking about how Lamorne. We were talking about Lamorne being a clown. Yeah. Speaking of clowns. Apollo clowns. You called Lamorne a clown.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Made fun of how he swims. We talked about maybe having a swim off. Apparently, Kyle and I are in a feud of our own. So things are heated, things are bad, and we're coming for you in whatever way that means. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

But, you know. Yes. But you know what we need to also talk about. And look at us having a long intro.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

We need to talk about our special guest today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Who is a guy we both know. He's one of my best buddies who I adore. One of the best humans and one of the funniest guys On Planet Earth, Mr. Michael Sarah joins the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A gem.

[Jake Johnson]

And you worked with Michael when you wrote for Arrested Development, Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Loosely. Like, he was in the room for probably a few weeks writing, and. And then I think he just, you know, got into acting mode. But yeah, he. I mean, you know, very few actors were allowed in the writers room, and there's a reason for that, but he is. He really is just such a talented guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Mike's going to direct a movie soon, and I think when he starts Directing, his whole game is going to change because even as like an 18 year old, he's always seen the whole picture. And just such a guy, such a talent, really funny on the show. I think people are going to really like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's one crossover call with all three of us, and then you and him do a couple solos.

[Jake Johnson]

Just a really. It was really an honor having him on. As you've seen season two, we're having less guests.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's because at the end of season one, with our schedule, Gareth and I weren't together that much, and we were doing it with other guests a lot, and we heard the response from the crowd, and we also miss doing it just together. So we're going to continue this kind of new way of kind of less guests, more us, and every once in a while, have a special guest come in and do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We love it. And it's why we're America's number one podcast. Number one podcast in the world. That's right. The morning after, people could.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, Lamore. I mean, Lamorna. Is that even a podcast or is it James? You know what? They're the real Wayne's World. That should be called. You know what their show should be called? Kyle's World. Oh, and Le Mourne's. Garth. Garth. Dude, Kyle does a great job on that show. He's got to figure out that. He got to figure out that mustache. But apart, we all do. Yeah, agreed. But Lamorne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's like.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a geek.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well, I think we've really. I mean, I want to kill him.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna fistfit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, all right, all right, all right. Listen, you got a bad knee. You already talked about it.

[Jake Johnson]

You got that doc off with him. I want to just expose him for the fraud he is. He's also got. However he's. Want to prove it? Water muscles. He's a fake, dude. He takes steroids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, all right, let's. There's a lot coming up.

[Jake Johnson]

Fake facial hair. His little fake mustache. He can't grow facial hair. He's got a weird puberty thing. He's never your yours. You're suggesting everything about him is fake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Both hosts on that podcast have to figure out their mustaches.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, Kyle's is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamorth's is fake. He literally gets pubes from a weird animal and glues him on his face. He's a joke, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, all right, listen. Well, we're very excited for you guys.

[Michael Cera]

He doesn't have genitals, okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, you know, obviously things are getting heated here.

[Jake Johnson]

Not to me. Anyway, you know what things we appreciate. We're not afraid to be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All the support. Keep telling people that. We're back for season.

[Jake Johnson]

He believes in unicorns.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This. This season's great and we're very excited.

[Jake Johnson]

He hates new girl fans.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Further ado.

[Jake Johnson]

He also, he. By the way, I do. Morn will not do the new girl reunion. This is fact. We are all on board, including Brian the security guard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the guy trying to arrange Kyle.

[Jake Johnson]

We've said let's have him be on the show. He's been in. Lamorne said no, because you want to know why he's passed. He's afraid that Kyle is going to get too much of a spotlight. Dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is dark. This is dark stuff. Well, anyway, that was some ado. But without further ado, enjoy the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Hello. Hey, how are you?

[Sam]

I'm well, how are you?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm doing well. Can we get your name, please?

[Sam]

Yeah, my name is.

[Jake Johnson]

You're on with me, Mr. Gareth Reynolds. And our first special guest of season two, Mr. Michael Sarah is on the podcast.

[Sam]

Hi, how you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So, Sam, nice to meet you. Where are you calling from, bud?

[Sam]

I'm calling from Michigan. A little town called Grand Rapids.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I know Grand Rapids. How dare you. And I agree, Grand Rapids has some nice kind of size to it. And so how old are you, Sam?

[Sam]

I am 34.

[Jake Johnson]

34. And what do you like to do, Sam?

[Sam]

Well, I do a lot, but I like the outdoors. I'm a little bit of a woodworker.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Sam]

I'm a dad.

[Jake Johnson]

How many kids you got?

[Sam]

I have three boys.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, fun. What ages?

[Sam]

17, 15 and 8.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. You got the whole spectrum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

And so when you say woodwork and what kind of wood like you do you like, make little bears and stuff?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Someone's yard. Someone wants it for his yard.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody's interested. Could you ever make a silver. Make a silver that weighs about 400 pounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ever make a Jake gorilla?

[Jake Johnson]

Can you make a silverback with my face?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, gorilla with Jake's head.

[Jake Johnson]

But definitely his body, not mine.

[Michael Cera]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

We don't want to silver back with my body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not going to be a naked. You made of wood?

[Sam]

Yeah, I gotta honestly have a good specimen here that I could base the carving out of right out my window here.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, guys, so Sam, we have a picture of you, but you feel like you're jumping into something good. So take over. The floor is yours.

[Sam]

Well, Jake, thanks. I. I have a problem. I. I work in a professional setting. I'm in an office building here in Grand Rapids. And just our office building backs up into a residential neighborhood. And what would be considered our backyard neighbors. We have a man and a woman who are just really big fans of using their hot tub. You know, any opportunity that they get, you know, nice day out.

[Jake Johnson]

Mike, take it easy.

[Sam]

A clothing optional situation, and they definitely opt out of it.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm with Gary, so.

[Sam]

And I'm telling you guys. Right. And you're trying to write out my window.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you're where you work in the back, kind of shared space. There's a couple. Can you describe what these two people look like? Because I do think it matters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Slowly.

[Sam]

I'm pretty familiar with all of their body parts, which, you know, everything. I've seen it all.

[Jake Johnson]

Are they in their 20s or in there? Are they in their 90s? Are they retired?

[Sam]

Yeah, they're probably 60s, 70s. They're. They're probably 5ft something.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything changed.

[Jake Johnson]

So kind of a couple in their 70s, not incredibly tall, not incredibly short, which makes it a little less exciting. They're somewhere in the fives. They. And they seem to be a couple with one another.

[Sam]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Are they doing things together that make you feel uncomfortable or are they just straight on nudists who don't have clothes on while they bathe?

[Sam]

As far as I can tell, they're just straight on nudists. They don't care who is observing their activities in their backyard.

[Michael Cera]

You have like a high vantage point. You're looking down on them from your office.

[Sam]

Yeah, a little bit. They have a privacy fence, but it only goes up to the base of the hot tub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I can see it all.

[Michael Cera]

No, they're not worried about it. It sounds like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they might be into it, honestly. Are they? Are they? I think you answered this, but I just want to make sure there's no. There's no hanky panky going on.

[Sam]

No, there's no hanky panky. But. But I'm feeling creepy because it's. It's just beyond my monitor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

On account of all the masturbating.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I feel creepy because what I think about when these two lovely old people are just taking a hot bath.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I keep shouting, do it already.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel creepy by what I yell at these people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So you feel creepy, Sam, because in. In nature. In. In a way, by looking out your window, you're spying.

[Sam]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

And you don't feel like you're Spying. Because you're allowed to look out your goddamn window.

[Michael Cera]

Who could look away? Let's be honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that was going to be my question.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, like you're gonna watch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could you not just not look when they go out there, does that feel. I mean, I think that's the down the narrow, like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But complicated. Because I understand. If I'm at work, I like to look out my window. And then if I see two people walking naked to a tub, I'm going to look and I feel like a creep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's also very. It's got to be one of those things where it's like, when it's happening, you're. It's a little train wrecky in the sense that you're like, I want to just look away. This is happening.

[Michael Cera]

And so say Sam wants to invite a business associate into his office one day for an important meeting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

And then everyone's just hypnotized by the flesh.

[Jake Johnson]

You gotta really plan where you seat people to hear your pitches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. They're out there about Schmitting.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And so. And so how long has this been going on, sir?

[Sam]

Oh, I hesitate to say it's been too long. It's been.

[Michael Cera]

It's not. It's no reflection on you.

[Jake Johnson]

How long is, though, with that. With your response, though? It seems like it might be, Sam.

[Sam]

I just have let this go on for too long.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Yeah. It's been about a year.

[Michael Cera]

A year. Okay. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

That's not my idea of too long for this concentration. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I love the.

[Michael Cera]

That says more about me, I think.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But I love the way, Sam, you've got this kind of peaceful voice and it's very slow. Oh, well, I hesitate to say this is a really nice part of this call.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So we've got. You've been looking for 12 months. Have you done anything up to this point, or is this call your first call of action?

[Sam]

This is my first call to action. Yeah, it's. It's time to. It's time to do something.

[Jake Johnson]

So I got a question, Sam, because I'm now starting to see what's happening here. I understand your tone a little bit of being a little bit ashamed. It's taken a year. How much do you watch?

[Sam]

I mean, I don't linger on it. I try to. I try to stay focused. But it's right there. It's right above my monitor. I don't even have to move my neck. All I do is lift my eyes six inches, and it's right there. So.

[Michael Cera]

And there is A certain gravitational pull.

[Jake Johnson]

To a hundred percent. So you. What percentage of you. Now, I just need the goddamn real truth. Because we'll never be able to pitch you out of this if we're not living in reality. I know more than 50% of you hates this, but what percentage likes it?

[Sam]

Oh, probably 20% gets a kick out of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's fair. That's a fair.

[Michael Cera]

That's a big hindrance. That's a healthy, like 80%. It's a problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Is. Yeah. Or maybe it's like 60% hates it. 20% like it. 20% neutral.

[Sam]

No, no, it's a. It's a.

[Michael Cera]

You have to cook the books on this, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I just want to know what we're dealing with here. Sounds a bit of a mystery to me. I'm trying to get a sense of old Sammy. I should have asked him about the animal in the jungle.

[Sam]

I've seen a lot of naked bodies in my life. I used to work at a hospital. And so seeing nakedness is not a foreign concept to me. And so.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not.

[Sam]

It's not so. But it's the. It's the environment that I'm in. It's. It doesn't belong. And what are you doing in that.

[Michael Cera]

Office, Sam, at that computer? What are you doing?

[Sam]

I run an agency for the elderly and we provide caregivers.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't make sense. If you're writing that and you're watching two elderly people cooking in soup, that is now a nightmare for your job. It feels Lynchian.

[Sam]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So you are running an agency to help older people while you're watching two older people cooking their naked bodies in a hot tub. That's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't get away.

[Jake Johnson]

Distraction. You can't get away from it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's everywhere.

[Sam]

You're right.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not wrong. So you are at about 80%. This needs to go away. 20% kind of likes it.

[Sam]

Correct?

[Michael Cera]

That's right. Why don't you build yourself a wooden window blocker using your skills?

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds like an infomercial. That was such a clean pitch. I feel like I'm watching Laura Grenier on Shark Tank and she's actually doing the QVC right now. Ladies and gentlemen, we've got the wooden blocker thing.

[Michael Cera]

I mean, you could make a little wooden thing that goes just right on top of your computer screen and gives.

[Jake Johnson]

You a sort of block window.

[Michael Cera]

It just goes right here and it blocks just the very spot.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I understand. A piece of wood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's pretty interesting. That is a very clear sort of like blocker for when they're out there that you kind of eyeball measure so that when they're there, you kind of can like build a little bit of a castle wall.

[Jake Johnson]

You literally just put up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's a funny message, as if it was like an R rated thing that it gets blurred out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Or just like a cocoon sign or something.

[Sam]

I like that. I like that a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

So that's an option for sure, I think. And especially as a woodworker, you could make something pretty fun. What is your feeling of a confrontation?

[Sam]

So I don't want to be the guy that calls the police on them. They're just trying to live their lives.

[Jake Johnson]

They're allowed to do this, I think, of course, 100%. But also, if your vibe is police, you don't call this podcast. Yeah, we believe. We believe that snitches get stitches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Sam]

Oh, good. All right, well, so I. I'm not opposed to a confrontation.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And when we bring that up to. Is the thing that you like face to face combat, you want to knock on the door or do you like a letter or do you like sounds? I'm trying to get a sense of you.

[Sam]

I. I don't know. I'm. I'm not opposed to face to face. I'm. I'm a. I don't shy away from confrontation.

[Jake Johnson]

Is right.

[Michael Cera]

But I just feel you have very little ground to stand on.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, well, but here's what.

[Michael Cera]

They're on their private property.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. But here's how it could start. Is just an idea. A knock on the door with some version of a gift as peace offering. And to say, I just need to let you know through my vantage point, I see you guys naked every day. I'm not the only person. So do these people.

[Michael Cera]

I don't think they know that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, yeah, that would be. Sam, do you think they know that you know, they're naked and other people around see them naked?

[Sam]

I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I think I have a great idea, Sam. I have a great idea. Next time they're in the hot tub, unroll open your window from work and yell, hey, guys, how's the temp? And they go. And you go, how's the temp? Is it more than 1? 110 or even 105 in that tub?

[Sam]

Should be 104.

[Jake Johnson]

You go. You got to live at about 104. If you're 108, it's going to prune your skin too much. And you go make sure it's about 104. Okay.

[Michael Cera]

And then you can say when they're in the water. Yeah, when they're in the water, it's not visibly apparent that they're naked. Right. So you could say something passive aggressive like. But at least you've got those bathing suits on. So that should offer you some protection if it's too hot.

[Jake Johnson]

But the idea of this is you're planting a seed to them. This little intimate moment of cooking and soup together. It's a three person soup. I'm here too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. I think that is. Let. Let me ask one more question, and then I'll float a similar pitch. Where is. Where are you seeing them naked the most, Sam? Are you seeing when they're about to get in the tub? Is that when they're the most naked or are you able to see like through the water? Are you able to. Are you seeing boobs above the fray?

[Sam]

No. So it's the. It's the transition times that's the worst. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The walk to climbing to the mountain.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We cater a gift in the. Like. We could get a couple robes, you know, as a gift to sort of help that walk from. To the water.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Michael Cera]

Or.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think you're dead right. Because then once they're in the tub, it's not an issue, is it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sam]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So we can't get them not to enjoy their hot tub because they've lived 70 years on this earth. They want to have a hot. They deserve it. But that's right. You shouldn't walk from your back door to your tub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally naked. If you have neighbors who see. So here's what I would do, especially.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In Grand Rapids weather that is not. That is not like favorable to the human form at that age.

[Michael Cera]

What are you referring to? What do you mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the weather is going to be shrinking things and purpling things. The veins become more varicose. I don't think it's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, you're not wrong. So, Sam, here's a thought. If you could get the timing right as you see them walking to the tub, yell, taking a tub.

[Michael Cera]

Can you open your window, Sam? Is your window gonna have the ability to open up or is it like a pane glass office? It's.

[Sam]

It does not open. It's a. It's a fixed window.

[Michael Cera]

All you really have is the bang on the window move.

[Jake Johnson]

Hard to come off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hard to come off on the roof. Or you oswald it up on the roof.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's no. Good. So here's what I would do. I would leave a note at their door. I would not confront them. And the note would say, I see you walk naked to your tub. Don't know if you care or not, but I just wanted to let you know.

[Sam]

Yeah. Do I, like, cut this out of a magazine letters?

[Jake Johnson]

Nope. I wouldn't do it like that, Sam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope. That's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Yup. That's scary.

[Michael Cera]

That's.

[Jake Johnson]

But I would do. I would do like a. Sending this just as an FYI, and maybe leave like a bottle of wine as like an apology thing of like. But when you. But I work in the building over here and. And I would lie and say, my co workers and I have discussed. And nobody knows if you guys know, but we see you as you. We do not see you in the tub, but when you walk from your house to the tub naked, we can see your body from our view. When you're in the tub soaking, we can't see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is an amazing note. That's an amazing.

[Michael Cera]

Some people find it distressing. Not me personally.

[Jake Johnson]

Some people talk about how it gets a little purple and there's. There's shrinkage. But what I would say is certain times of the year and the fact that we're in Grand Rapids might be a problem. But what I would do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like we're using the letter to kind of knock on my pitch a little, which it feels very meta.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope. What I. What I'm really using it for is to let them know that from point A to point B, I see you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And if that's okay with you, then we could figure out the next pitch. But we've got to know, Sam, if Grandma and grandpa know they're being seen.

[Sam]

We gotta let them know.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think, Sam?

[Sam]

I like it. You know, and I like the bottle of wine gesture, too, because I. I don't want to, you know, like, I think the yelling pitch was, like, a little aggressive.

[Michael Cera]

Aggressive.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Sam]

And I don't. Like you say, I don't want them to stop enjoying their hot tub.

[Jake Johnson]

It does not. Hey, Sam, how would it sound like if you yelled? Yeah, you taking a tub? Can we just hear that once?

[Sam]

You want me to put the phone down and yell it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, sure.

[Sam]

All right.

[Michael Cera]

They taking a tub?

[Jake Johnson]

Are you taking a tub?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate it.

[Jake Johnson]

I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't hate. Came out of his. Shel.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, you got a hell of a yell, man.

[Michael Cera]

Sam, are you in the office now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, I am.

[Jake Johnson]

Are they out here? Are they out there?

[Sam]

No, they're not.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Sam]

They're not there.

[Michael Cera]

Don't you have co workers in the area or.

[Sam]

I. I'm wrapping up solo today.

[Jake Johnson]

That was a shockingly exciting. Yeah, but no, because of the window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If the window opened, I think we could have.

[Jake Johnson]

I do too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A conversation.

[Jake Johnson]

I, I 100 agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the. I like the pitch. What I would add is, I would add maybe going to some cheap department store and just getting a couple robes so we can really add a solution to what we're calling out here. I like the wine. I like the. No. Why not just get a blue and a purple robe just for each one.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that might be step two.

[Michael Cera]

Maybe like an attack on the veins.

[Jake Johnson]

It feels like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it is a shot across the bow at the base. How, how. How are we going to have a, A step two where they're not able to communicate? Are we leaving an email or anything like that?

[Jake Johnson]

No. Oh, that's interesting.

[Michael Cera]

Well, you just see if. You see what the result.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the result would be if they keep doing it.

[Michael Cera]

It would speak for itself, but it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Feels like it would. Jake in this banaka phase, has he been binocain the whole show? Michael.

[Michael Cera]

And that's the first. It's the first I've seen.

[Jake Johnson]

I have.

[Michael Cera]

You have. Yeah. Obviously not for. You're never alone. So is it more for just the.

[Jake Johnson]

The taste, the sensation?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. He's got. He's hooked a little. It's like his vape, I would say. The only reason I would say robes up top is because the follow up, there's no back and forth. So then it might seem like you're kind of being a little badgery.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Sam, question for you, buddy. We're kind of live. We're kind of closing in on our pitch. And that's either in a. A letter, a wine, a bathrobe, with either the messaging, just so, you know, we can see you, or FYI, we see you. You know, this is what we see. You could cover up with these if you choose. What zone are you feeling most comfortable with?

[Sam]

Yeah, I like, I like the robes as a backup if it's. If it needs a second message, just a little, little push in the right direction. But I think if the, if the bottle of wine does not. Because. Because then you give them something, you know, to, to enjoy in the hospital.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

Very friendly gesture.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Sam, what are you gonna say in the letter?

[Sam]

Oh, you know, this, this feels like. I don't want it to get too wordy. I feel like you guys got pretty wordy agreed in your. In your concept creation there. So I think, you know, just a simple, hey, we're here and we see you. Let's. Let's cover it up.

[Jake Johnson]

Nope, I'm going to push.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I understand that we're going for word economy, but I think we see.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we were missing words here.

[Michael Cera]

We're here is not enough information.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here, period. We see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looks like anonymous.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, that would be a very haunting note.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have your socials.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Sam, I think you got to let them know where here is and what you see and when you see it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I don't think we want them to.

[Jake Johnson]

Think you're always seeing them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Michael Cera]

Any veil. Veiling of information is going to come across as we are here.

[Jake Johnson]

We see you. You should know is my nightmare.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, so you're right. I would definitely start with like a, hey, I'm around the area and I live.

[Jake Johnson]

I work right across from your backyard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I work right across from where your hot tub is.

[Michael Cera]

There's no, no need for vagueness.

[Jake Johnson]

No, we're not. Sam, do you feel awkward about them knowing it's you?

[Sam]

No, No, I don't. And I could even write it in a nice little card.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I would do.

[Sam]

We have a lot of cards in the office here that we send.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hallmark makes one.

[Sam]

Yeah, you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but you guys have company cards. I don't think it's bad to put it in a company card.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Sam]

We don't have branded cards.

[Jake Johnson]

Sam, will you try again with a few more words? And can we hear how that comes across?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the opening is important, remember?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Hey, neighbors.

[Michael Cera]

Great, great, great, great.

[Sam]

I work in your backyard and I can see over your fence when you guys are enjoying your hot tub. And I would love it if you guys could cover up during the transition to and from the hot tub. Your neighbor.

[Michael Cera]

Correct.

[Kate]

Pretty.

[Jake Johnson]

A little aggressive for my taste, but that sounds like who Sam is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same.

[Michael Cera]

But maybe that's the Grand Rapids way too. Like, maybe that's Sam.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that just you? Is that just Grand Rapids? Because for the three of us, we all went. It's a little harsh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think what we were saying is that.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I think it is. Gareth. I think the way he speaks is so mild mannered that if I read those, I would be reading them more aggressively than I think he's intended him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Agree. Basically, yeah. Because I think what we're saying in the middle there is the idea is more like just so you like you're doing them a favor by letting them know you can see them naked.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Versus.

[Michael Cera]

Hey, Versus a request.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And the first. Yeah. I think this first one, Sam, is what we're kind of pitching. But again, you play your game. But I think we're pitching is just FYI. I can see you getting to and fro the soup. If they continue, step B is we're just gonna stay. My robes. They might. But this might be a multi level thing. But I work across here. I do this. I see. I don't know if you guys know that, but if you do, we can all see you.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But I don't see. I don't see it in the tub.

[Sam]

That's right.

[Jake Johnson]

So I can't sleep through the water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not from a lack of effort.

[Michael Cera]

Binoculars don't help. Nothing get. Helps me see through the actual water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you drain the water 3 inches?

[Jake Johnson]

So what do you think of that, Sam?

[Michael Cera]

Do you need the hot. The hard jets on all the time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let it settle, gang.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of that zone, Sam?

[Sam]

Yeah, no, I think that's right. That's perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we hear it one more time then? I know. Can you be kind of writing it out as we're hearing it?

[Sam]

Oh, sure. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, man.

[Michael Cera]

I like that you're not going to use the word soup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's important.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, he didn't say that. You said.

[Michael Cera]

No, I think you said it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I've mentioned it as soup, but he never said he wasn't.

[Michael Cera]

A couple times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Confusing, right?

[Jake Johnson]

What do you guys think about the hot tub?

[Michael Cera]

Soup feels.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't think of hot tub as soup?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, to be quite honest, no. No, it's not human stew.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, honey, I gotta go take a soup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Me and my boys are gonna go stew.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I gotta get a big day. I'm laying the Soup for about 30 minutes, then I'm going to bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dude, soup.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Sam, so let us know when you're ready. We would love to hear this. And then hopefully you leave it by then. Either tonight after work or tomorrow morning maybe.

[Sam]

Yep, sounds good. I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate you.

[Sam]

Hey, neighbors. I work in the building behind your house and I just wanted to let you know we can see you transition from your house to the hot tub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And pause was strange.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. But it works, Sam. Keep it work.

[Sam]

Yeah, we can see a transition from the house to the hot tub and. Oh, I don't know where to go from here.

[Jake Johnson]

Just wanted to let you know.

[Sam]

Yeah, I just wanted to.

[Jake Johnson]

Just wanted to let you know, what's happening from our point of view. In case, comma, you wanted to cover up.

[Sam]

In case you wanted to cover up. Great. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

All the best.

[Sam]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then to avoid any awkwardness or embarrassment, I'm leaving you this bottle of wine as a gesture of good faith.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah. Enjoy it. It's a New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc to your taste.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. 2016.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I think that's kind of it. Sam, how do you feel about that?

[Sam]

I feel good. I feel good about it. Yeah. I mean, there's. There's two potential office buildings that it could be, of course, mine and someone else's, and so I think it's a shot, except for the fact that I'm probably one of the only offices that. That's looking right at their backyard. So if they looked out their window, they could probably see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

But you've already said you're not worried about this.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's okay.

[Michael Cera]

You have nothing to hide. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not.

[Michael Cera]

Identify you. If they.

[Jake Johnson]

And they're looking in the window, wave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then yell, taking a soup. Well, you need to yell taking a soup really fast. Can we hear it one more time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said taking a tub.

[Michael Cera]

Taking a tub.

[Jake Johnson]

Taking a tub. Oh, yeah. I thought you said soup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. We've all actually been talking about getting the soup out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, I agree with that. So, Sam, soup. Say whatever you want to say at the end. Soup. And then let's just hear you yell. This is. This is. They're looking at the note at a deli. See you. You wave and yell this. Go ahead. When you're ready.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Michael Cera]

Hey, how's the job?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really good.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Sam, thank you for the call. I think we're in a good zone. Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

Follow up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Follow up will do.

[Jake Johnson]

Today's episode is brought to you by Alma. While online tools and resources can be a useful starting point or supplement, human relationships are an irreplaceable part of mental health care. Alma can help you find someone who will work with you on your specific needs and goals and support you in making real progress in improving your mental health.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, I mean, without getting too personal, obviously, throughout my life, there have been many times where I've leaned on therapy for my mental health. You know, sometimes I think you just feel the burden is a little too much for you to bear. And there is nothing wrong with trying to get some help. And that's what Alma's all about. I think when it comes to mental health, being able to talk to someone is pretty much irreplaceable. What you're getting with Alma is you're getting real people. You're going to talk to somebody. 97% of people seeing a therapist through ALMA said that their therapist makes them feel seen or heard. So, you know, you can really just take a break from the scrolling and use Alma's directory to find a therapist who meets your specific needs. It takes a real person to understand your human experience, you know, I think that is why Alma is helpful.

[Jake Johnson]

Better with people, better with Alma. Visit helloalma.com heretohelp to get started and schedule a free consultation today. That's hello a l m a.com heretohelp this episode is sponsored by Hungry Root. Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped into one. They take care of the weekly grocery shopping, recommended healthy groceries and meals tailored to your taste, nutritional preferences and health goals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

I am a big, big fan of the smoothies, the kids snacks, the sweets. Everybody likes the taste. I like the fact that I know that it's healthy. I didn't have to spend all the time grocery shopping for it and I love that it tastes good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by booking.com booking yeah, every time I travel I use booking.com to find a place to stay in the US because it is easy and it works. I just booked a place in Portland, Oregon. I went to the Woodlark Hotel, which I really liked. I went to San Francisco with the family and I used booking dot com.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a ton of options you can do hotels, vacation rentals. It really just makes it so easy to figure out what you're going to get within your price range. Whatever you're looking for, I right now am staying inside of a booking.com location. Coming to Eureka, California, went right on there like two days before. And I wasn't even stressing when I was booking it because I was like, I know that they're going to have what I'm after. But it's also good for vacations. You just, you find the best spots. They really take the stress out of booking a place. Find exactly what you're Booking for on booking.com. booking. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we get your name please?

[Kylie]

My name is Kate.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate. And where are you calling from, Kate?

[Kylie]

I'm calling from Rhode Island.

[Jake Johnson]

Rhode Island. And how old are you, Kate?

[Kylie]

33.

[Jake Johnson]

33. And what do you like to do? What's like a fun hobby for you?

[Kylie]

I have a toddler and a seven month old. So sitting in silence on my couch watching it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And by toddler, what's a toddler's age?

[Kylie]

Three.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so you got a three. So you're right in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're the same.

[Jake Johnson]

You got, you're, you're on the phone right now with a dear friend of mine. 18 years of friendship. Mr. Michael, Sarah is on with you right now. Kate.

[Kylie]

Hi. Hello.

[Michael Cera]

Hi, Kate. Hi. So wait, you're 33? Well, you're quite, you became a mother by today's standards, quite young, didn't you?

[Kylie]

I did. I had my daughter on my 30th birthday. Actually.

[Jake Johnson]

The actual birthday.

[Kylie]

Yeah, she came five days late. Right on my birthday. So I turned 30 and 100.

[Jake Johnson]

Taking over your spotlight, huh?

[Kylie]

Oh, she sure did.

[Jake Johnson]

So Kate, you got a three year old, a seven month old, you're from Rhode Island. Really quickly, if you're in the jungle and you're running around and you turn around and you see an animal, what's the first animal that pops in your head that you're seeing?

[Kylie]

Panther.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, back to, back to panther.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, now question for you. If you were to have a last meal, what would that last meal be? You can eat anything you want. It doesn't have to go together.

[Kylie]

Oh, Jesus. A steak burrito. The one with the french fries in it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yum.

[Michael Cera]

Crazy.

[Kylie]

And alongside that, probably just a regular like a plain pizza from Long Island.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Steak burrito with fries in it and just a generic old cheese pizza from Rhode Island.

[Kylie]

That's a cheese pizza and an ice cold Dr. Pepper.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what, Michael? I do have a sense of Kate by what she likes to eat and what animals she sees in the jungle.

[Michael Cera]

A lot of info there. Yeah, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. Kate, what can we help you with today?

[Kylie]

I'm actually calling about said 3 year old who took my spotlight.

[Michael Cera]

Oh.

[Kylie]

So she's really. She didn't actually take my spotlight, but she's really into pretend play and she's really into it. So she really likes playing store. Like she has a little cash register and she likes to play store. And so she makes my husband, her dad, and I be the cash, like the checkout people. And she just brings us various items around the house in her shopping cart. But to make it more fun, we started playing characters. Lisa and Janice. I'm Lisa, my husband's Janice, and they're two, like 40 year old women from Long Island.

[Jake Johnson]

Thick accents, I love this. But the problem is.

[Kylie]

My daughter, who really likes Lisa and Janice a lot more than she likes me and my husband.

[Michael Cera]

Naturally. Naturally. Yeah.

[Kylie]

When she gets upset, when she wants something, she'll ask to talk to Lisa instead of me. She won't listen to me. She'll only listen to Lisa. So, like, in front of. She'll do this, like in front of family and friends. So I have to just start talking in a sick Long island accent. And then she'll do whatever I want or she'll stop crying.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's just.

[Kylie]

It's so embarrassing and it's really hard to explain.

[Jake Johnson]

People.

[Kylie]

Like, it's like this grocery store clerk that we play and then she'll ask for Janice and then we have to. It's just. It's a nightmare. And I need her to like me as much as she likes Lisa. And I haven't figured out.

[Jake Johnson]

I get it.

[Kylie]

How to do that yet.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a very clean pitch. I actually 100% get it. Before we get into it, can we hear Lisa a little bit?

[Kylie]

I knew this would happen. Okay, so, yeah, actually, I just want.

[Michael Cera]

To only talk to Lisa for the rest of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Can we do something where at times can we ask to talk to Lisa and at times can we talk to Kate?

[Kylie]

This is. Yes, this is my whole life.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's hear Lisa, please.

[Kylie]

She talks to Lisa about me sometimes, which is not nice. Okay, Darcy, thank you for coming into the store today. What did you pick out? Did you get a new hairbrush? Oh, my God, I love a new hairbrush. You know what I say? The higher the hair, the closer to God.

[Darcy]

Oh, my God. I have a bumper sticker that says that.

[Kylie]

But you know, Dorothy, your mom, she's a great lady. You gotta start liking her. You gotta start treating her better. You gotta stop listening to your mom.

[Jake Johnson]

Lisa. Lisa's cool.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, I get why she Loves Lisa.

[Kylie]

I want her to listen to me, too.

[Jake Johnson]

I understand. Okay, so now we have a sense of Lisa, Mike. We have a sense of Kate. And the daughter's name is Darcy. Yes, I heard that because Lisa said it, but you hadn't, Kate. So you started creating Lisa, and your husband decided to be Janice for some reason, which I like. Yeah. And then Darcy now likes Lisa more than Kate.

[Kylie]

Yeah, and she'll listen to Lisa more. So like this morning, she wouldn't clean up her toys, and then she said, let me talk to Lisa. And then Lisa told her to clean up her toys, and the entire living room was cleaned in like 10 minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so walk me through how that actually happened, because I used to do a thing that I still kind of do when my daughters have gotten too old where I pretended to be their babysitter who was named Sarah. And Sarah's a real person. Yes. Well, I was Sarah. And I would go, was there a.

[Michael Cera]

Real Sarah that you were?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, it was just a made up. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But Sarah would come in and be like, hey, guys, it's me. Sarah. And I would do all terms about, like, women that was, like, really annoying for them, where their whole thing would be like, we hate you, Sarah. And I'd be like, but that's okay because I love myself because I am beautiful just like you, and you guys don't need lip gloss. And Sarah was meant to give the messaging that Jake felt, but just to annoy them. So I had the opposite where mine to this day. And even they've done it on where they'll go like, I'll go like, hey, guys. And they'll go like, we hate you, Sarah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We.

[Jake Johnson]

So that's going to be where my pitch starts here, Kate. I think Lisa might be a little bit too cool. And I think what we have to start doing is Lisa has to start becoming a little bit weirder and ruining the vibe with Darcy. And then Kate steps in and saves the vibe.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Kylie]

Okay. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Because. Go ahead, Mike.

[Michael Cera]

I disagree completely. I think, honestly, I. I have a three year old as well. And I have a three and a half year old, actually. Yours is three. Three. Just three or three and a half? Ish.

[Kylie]

Just three.

[Michael Cera]

Just three.

[Kylie]

Like, she just started three, like two months ago.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah. Okay. So three starts getting. And Jake, you'll attest, like, three is real, like, challenging territory. The three majors my son became, you know. Yeah. It's like everything is. You know, they're really starting to, like, you know, carve their own sense of autonomy. And all that. And they have, like, strong feelings about everything. Like, just my son now, he has a real hard time getting out of his pajamas in the morning. He really loves them. And we're like, we gotta get dressed now. You know, we gotta go. Heading out the door, clock's ticking. And he's like, it's very upsetting. We have to, like, really negotiate about getting out of the pajama. Little things like that. So I'm thinking if you have a tool in your arsenal, this character of Lisa that helps you in any way get past challenging moments like cleaning up the toys, you know, it's great. I mean, like, Darcy is a smart kid. She knows that. She knows you're her mama, and she knows that Lisa is a character. But she. It's cozy for her, and it also. You found a way to motivate her somehow. I think the only problem in the equation that I could see is the embarrassment on your end. And I think you just swallow that, and you're all good. Just embrace it just like Kate did.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a question.

[Michael Cera]

That's my take.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you call in with the hopes that somebody would say, your problem's not valid. Just swallow it? Is that why you called in a podcast that offers help to hear Michael Sarah say, oh, you know what? Your problem's not a problem. It's a blessing to be humiliated in front of your friends and have a child ask for a fictional character over you?

[Michael Cera]

I think. I think, you know, giving a fresh perspective is valid advice.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what I think, Kate. So actually, hold on. We're going to go to you, Kate, You've heard two initial takes, and just like the choose your own adventure, you're going to start driving this a little bit. I'm my first pitch. And we could also give more pitches is let's sour Lisa a little bit. Because everybody likes the babysitter until the babysitter gives some rules, right? Everybody likes the cool person until the cool person says, like, hey, you can't do that. Mike's advice is lean into this tool you have of cool Lisa, who's getting your child to do everything she wants. And then maybe we could pitch things to you. Cause you were saying earlier, sometimes it's embarrassing if in front of people, we can maybe pitch things you could say in those moments. So of these two zones, Kate, where are you at?

[Kylie]

I think I'm gonna have to start making Lisa less cool just because she's expanding our Lisa Janice world. She's named our dog Doris and Barney now, and our Son is named Mary.

[Jake Johnson]

She's taking over.

[Kylie]

So. And they're all part of this grocery store world.

[Jake Johnson]

She's creating a fictional world. Like the fake Seinfeld episode.

[Kylie]

Correct.

[Jake Johnson]

But. So here's what we need to do. In my opinion. We gotta figure out what she loves about Lisa, and then we gotta figure out little things that you, Kate, know about Darcy that she would not like. Okay, so what is it about Lisa, in your opinion? Apart from she's got a great accent. She's got a great vibe. But what does Lisa do with Darcy that is just fun?

[Kylie]

She plays grocery store with her. She does like the accent because my husband's family's from Long island, so I think Lisa sounds like her aunts. So she likes that. She likes grocery store. Lisa pretty much just plays with her whenever she wants to play. So I.

[Darcy]

Problem is, she.

[Kylie]

When she plays now, she doesn't want me cake to play with her.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Kylie]

She'll ask for at least. She'll just look at me and say, lisa.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And just like fun. And Kate's got some rules, such as eat your veggies and chew a lot and I'm afraid you're gonna choke kind of vibe.

[Kylie]

Yeah. Like, Kate's looking out for my safety, and I'm not interested in that.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate's AKA a drag. I want to get a sense of what Darcy feels like talking to Lisa.

[Kylie]

Okay. Got it.

[Jake Johnson]

It's possible.

[Michael Cera]

So you're gonna be Darcy, Michael. You. You are. No, because you said you want to get a sense of Darcy. I thought you were about to do a Darcy role play.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you mind?

[Michael Cera]

Which I was excited about.

[Jake Johnson]

Would. Would you consider being Darcy so I could see it?

[Michael Cera]

I don't know enough about her yet.

[Jake Johnson]

She's three.

[Michael Cera]

I know.

[Kylie]

Pretty much it.

[Jake Johnson]

She's got a younger three. She.

[Michael Cera]

She likes Lisa. That's all I know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Will you try to be Darcy?

[Michael Cera]

Me?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Please.

[Michael Cera]

Okay. What? What. Before any interpretation, what is my. What is my goal in this scene?

[Jake Johnson]

To figure out what you like or don't like about your mom.

[Michael Cera]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Let's just do a. Actually, case, is there anything you want to tell Michael about baby Darcy that could help him in this? Remember, our goal of this is any.

[Michael Cera]

Help would be appreciated.

[Jake Johnson]

We're trying to get Lisa's light to dim a little bit and Kate's light to turn up a little bit.

[Kylie]

Darcy, like, she likes makeup a lot. Princesses. Captain America. She really likes Captain America.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah.

[Kylie]

She likes to dance and sing and.

[Michael Cera]

She likes to swim.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I think we're ready.

[Kylie]

She doesn't like to clean up her toys.

[Jake Johnson]

And I got a question for you, Kate. Not Lisa.

[Kylie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Ever since the new baby was born seven months ago, have you gotten a little bit more strict with her, given her more responsibility?

[Kylie]

Not really.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Kylie]

She's been shockingly good with him, so we haven't really had to do that yet. And I'm just kind of riding that out, hoping that sticks.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so the vibe's pretty easy going. Darcy's life hasn't changed that much since. What's her little brother's name?

[Kylie]

Archie.

[Jake Johnson]

Archie. Archie and Darcy. And when Darcy mostly talks to Lisa, is it mostly just transactional? Like, I remember when my kids were three, it was just a lot of, how much for this? And they would go like, four hot four. And then you go, okay. And then they. They go back and they get something else. And then you do the joke of you go, like, I didn't order this coffee. It tastes terrible. And then they go back and they get you another one that way. Yeah. Does it get any transactional?

[Kylie]

And now she's, you know, expanding it to Lisa. Let's do this. Like, we're not just in the grocery store anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

We're coloring so she out of the store and into her life. All right, so let's get into it a little bit. Michael, do you have a pretty good feeling of how you can start with Darcy?

[Michael Cera]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I think that's good enough to start. And Lisa, do you feel confident?

[Kylie]

I am always confident.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so we're gonna start with I'm Kate, and I'm just saying. Oh, yeah, you wanted to hang out with Kate.

[Michael Cera]

You're Kate.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm Kate. Michael. Kate and Lisa. I'm Kate, she's Lisa, you're Darcy. Okay. How you doing, Darcy? Want to play supermarket?

[Michael Cera]

I love playing supermarket, Mommy.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Do you want to play with me?

[Michael Cera]

No, I'd rather play, as you know. I really prefer Lisa, so I'd love.

[Jake Johnson]

To play with you. Don't you want to just play you and me?

[Michael Cera]

No, I want Lisa, or else I'm gonna make your life hell.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, take it easy, Darcy.

[Michael Cera]

Okay, there we go. Now we're talking.

[Kylie]

Hi. Hi, Darcy.

[Michael Cera]

Lisa. Hi. Thank you for showing up. I was just having the worst. You know, I was just stuck in that same old with my mom. But thank you, God, you're here. I'm doing her inner. I'm doing her inner spirit. I can't, like, talk like a food. Try what?

[Kylie]

Lisa, I'm so glad you came into the store, but you can't talk like that about your mother. She is wonderful. I talked to her a few times and.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoa.

[Michael Cera]

You don't know her like I know her. But, no, she's cool. But I just. Let's just put it this way. I prefer you.

[Kylie]

The other day, we had the best dance potty to define gravity. Oh, my gosh. She is such a good dancer. She taught me a lot of good moves.

[Michael Cera]

She never shows me that side of her, but I like our talks. I feel like I can be really real with you and be myself.

[Kylie]

That's so weird.

[Michael Cera]

It's been weird between me and her all the time. Yeah. See, she says she talks about me behind my back, but, like, we don't know.

[Kylie]

Darcy, you're acting really different today.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I gotta say. Why are you giving me. Hold on. I gotta say, that was a weird read on Darcy. I can't.

[Michael Cera]

I forget what I'm supposed to do.

[Jake Johnson]

Not question case.

[Michael Cera]

Mother, can you do Darcy for a little bit?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So now I want to see what you make of this challenge in here, in this. Kate, I now do have a clear pitch.

[Kylie]

Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

And I have a clear idea for you. And I know you've already started it, but I think what we need to do is we need to up talk Kate and then have Lisa and Kate hanging out with Darcy at the same time. And you got to go a little Eddie Murphy and early movies where you're all the characters.

[Kylie]

Okay, so the room during character changes.

[Michael Cera]

No.

[Kylie]

Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

You sell it by your voice and your facial expressions so that Darcy can be sitting there and going, hey, mom, can I get some. Can I get you drawing with me and Lisa? And then you go from mom to Lisa and you let little Darcy's imagination do whatever she wants with that. But you are both. But Kate is part of the goddamn fun of Lisa, and it's your job to get me there. And I'm gonna play baby Darcy.

[Kylie]

Okay. And am I doing both?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, you are finding a way to do both. And, Michael, if you can find your way into this somehow, see what happens.

[Michael Cera]

Je. Janis. And what's the. Wait? What is the.

[Kylie]

Janice is Lisa's friend, and Janice is going through a divorce with her ex husband, Gary.

[Michael Cera]

Gary.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. All right. So I. We. We now have a plan. And, Kate, this is actually my pitch to you. So this is. You've heard the show before, right?

[Kylie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is the point where you're now practicing to see if it works.

[Kylie]

Okay, so I'm Kate and Lisa playing.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're going to initiate the change that you're both. And if you think my Darcy's wrong, I'm not against getting a note.

[Kylie]

Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

If you think Mike's Janice is weird, give him a Note. Okay, in 3, 2, 1, we take you to the supermarket. Hey, Lisa.

[Kylie]

Hey, Darcy. Welcome to the supermarket. How are you doing today?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, pretty good. Want to do some drawing?

[Kylie]

Wait, wait. Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's.

[Kylie]

Who's that? Kate. Kate, hello. Come in. Hey, Lisa. How are you today? Supermarket's looking great. Extra clean. Hey, Darcy.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's that?

[Kylie]

Darcy, Hi, it's me, Mom.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to be with Lisa.

[Kylie]

Darcy, you can't talk to your mother like that. I invited Kate here. Oh, my God. I love her so much. Kate, you look gorgeous today. I really love what you did with your hair. Is that another messy bun? Thank you, Lisa. Yes. Yes, it is. You know, it's been working for me. Darcy, do you want to play supermarket with me? I thought we could buy some new nail polish.

[Jake Johnson]

Mike, what do you think?

[Michael Cera]

I thought you. Darcy was kind of reserved and confused and not really. Didn't sound like she was really playing in a state of play.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta tell you, kid, I think you took the direction perfectly. Felt weird.

[Kylie]

I got lost in it a little bit, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Me, too. Me, too.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, I think that's a good direction for Kate, for sure. I think you and I are having a hard time finding our footing with Darcy. But I think Kate is in the pocket, and that's kind of what matters.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. But here's what I kind of felt on that one. Kate. And I think here's how we could win. I don't think Lisa should ever scold Darcy for not loving Kate. I think. Kate. I have an idea. Let's try this. Start the pitch, and we're talking. Mike, you can be Darcy this time if you want.

[Michael Cera]

And then I'll take another crack at Darcy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, because I missed two. And then let's start with you, Kate, as Lisa, and then introduce Kate. But when Kate comes, present Darcy with a cookie or something that was, like, in your purse. So we're not doing the. You can't talk to your mother like that. There's no negative. Kate is just as much fun as Lisa. And Kate comes with gifts that Darcy would like.

[Kylie]

Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's just try it. We're gonna go to the supermarket in 3, 2, 1.

[Kylie]

Dawson, thanks for coming in today.

[Michael Cera]

Hi, Lis.

[Kylie]

Hey, Das. How you doing? Oh, my God. Are you buying some new nail polish, gorgeous?

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, I ran out.

[Kylie]

Hey, Darth. Darth, I was just in the back and I found all these lollipops. They had extra cotton candy ones if you want one.

[Michael Cera]

What are you doing here? What are you doing?

[Kylie]

Mom, I came shopping to the. The grocery store. Oh, Dawsy. I invited her. I knew that she. We had all these lollipops and she was talking about how she needed some new ones.

[Michael Cera]

Nobody.

[Jake Johnson]

Michael, stop it.

[Michael Cera]

Stop it.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate. This is a.

[Michael Cera]

Am I just supposed to take to it right away?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, this is it.

[Michael Cera]

By the way, I love this.

[Jake Johnson]

I will tell you, Kate, I think you did. Did excellent when you brought lollipops and there was no negativity. I think I'm seeing Darcy go, of course I want a lollipop. Then you can go right back to Lisa. But then Kate slowly has fun things to add too. When you're hearing this as an idea, Kate, what are you thinking?

[Kylie]

I actually really like this a lot. I think that I can pull this off.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you can too. And I think if you. I would have three things. Lollipops and then two other stuff that every time Kate talks early on on, she's giving away.

[Kylie]

Okay. So I'm kind of pavlovbbing her 100%.

[Jake Johnson]

The Kate voice means sweets, but the Lisa voice is not negative.

[Kylie]

But she doesn't have treats.

[Jake Johnson]

But she doesn't have treats. Her treat is that weird accent she does. Can we try one more time with Michael? You as Darcy. And let's think about the Darcy character for a second. She's not mad at Kate, Michael.

[Michael Cera]

Okay. She likes Kate.

[Jake Johnson]

She just loves Lisa.

[Michael Cera]

You take. You take Darcy. Jake, then.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, then when you start as Janice.

[Michael Cera]

I never really got to be Janice.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's do this. Can we start with Janice and Lisa? And then I'll come in as Darcy.

[Michael Cera]

Jane, Janice, and Lisa. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

They're in the restaurant at the beginning. And I'll walk in. Yes. Okay.

[Michael Cera]

In the. In the grocery store.

[Jake Johnson]

Say it again. Kate.

[Kylie]

Kate comes in, too. And Kate comes in.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Kate comes in when Lisa is ready.

[Michael Cera]

Lisa's with.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate knows what to do with Lisa. Kate, do you feel confident with what you. Because you're the only one working right now. But if this pitch works, we're getting off after this one. We've won. And we're going to try this with our it.

[Kylie]

Okay, I think I got it.

[Jake Johnson]

So we're gonna go to the supermarket with Janice and Lisa. And Darcy's right outside. It's probably raining. She's walking in in 3, 2, 1.

[Michael Cera]

So Gary is reading my. He's been reading my emails.

[Kylie]

You know what? I'm so.

[Michael Cera]

He's disgusting.

[Kylie]

I'm so glad you're leaving him.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't.

[Kylie]

I can't believe.

[Michael Cera]

I mean, how can they ever. We can know? There's no trust anymore.

[Kylie]

He's a horrible person. Janice.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Michael Cera]

I never realized he was Darcy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Michael Cera]

Wow, you're a cipher. Sore eyes.

[Kylie]

What are you looking for? Oh, my God, you are so wet. Is it. Was it raining outside?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Raining. What? Darth.

[Kylie]

I brought some lollipops. I have this lollipop because it was raining. I have these lollipops from the grocery store. Oh, my God. Kate. Kate, you brought Darcy lollipop.

[Michael Cera]

Kate's always thinking about Darcy.

[Kylie]

She always talks about her. She always talks about guys. I mean, wouldn't you look at her, Dorothy? I also. I want to bake some cookies later, if you want to. You want to do some cookies with me after we leave the grocery store? If you're interested in that.

[Jake Johnson]

With Lisa.

[Kylie]

Lisa. Lisa. Can you make cookies with us? Oh, you know what? Well, I have to take.

[Michael Cera]

I gotta keep Lisa here.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, guys, guys, hold on, hold on. I think we can never get negative. Why can't she have Lisa and Kate?

[Michael Cera]

But the whole idea was to get Lisa out.

[Jake Johnson]

We're getting there, Michael.

[Kylie]

It's a slow burn.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, yes, but the first cookies, of course, Lisa could come, but then slowly, Kate is more interesting.

[Michael Cera]

Katie, phaser in.

[Jake Johnson]

Does that make sense, Kate?

[Michael Cera]

Jake, don't get upset because the instructions are so unclear. Like, we're doing our best.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really trying.

[Michael Cera]

We're trying hard.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what I think, Kate. Here's my official pitch. And thank you guys for both doing these. Those demonstrations, because this is. I got to tell you, Kate, this isn't an easy one, but I do think we've cracked something that I do believe is going to work. Here's my real pitch to you. All bits aside, I think Lisa introduces Kate to Darcy. And then I think you do the Eddie Murphy where you are both characters, but Lisa never tells Darcy.

[Michael Cera]

It's.

[Jake Johnson]

If Darcy says just Lisa, Lisa never goes. Like, well, Kate's a wonderful person. Never negative. Then, okay, just Lisa for now, and then you reintroduce Kate again later. Kate always has things dribbles and that every time she goes, I want to make cookies, Kate's making them. Can Lisa come? Of course she can come. But Kate's also part of the fun.

[Michael Cera]

So Lisa's obsessed with Kate.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, Lisa just likes Kate, but also Lisa's obsessed with Darcy.

[Michael Cera]

Right. Got it.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of that as a pitch, Kate?

[Kylie]

I like this a lot better because I. Yeah, I like this a lot better than just like, going cold turkey on Lisa or leaning into Lisa, because now Kate can be involved.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Kylie]

And maybe we can weed out a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, I think it's really weird stuff, but I truly believe it's gonna work.

[Kylie]

No, I agree. It's a very. It's a weird problem that I have, but I. It's a weird world that I've gotten myself into, but I. I like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you do me a big favor for the show? The next time you do this, can you record the audio on your phone so that it's you introducing Kate into the mix and we get to hear the real Darcy. Now, you don't have to do a video because a video might make, you know, change the vibe, but if you just do, like, a voice note on your phone, just like. Like, you know, leave it open.

[Kylie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So that. Now that we've talked about it a lot, we can play right at the end of this how it really goes.

[Michael Cera]

Okay.

[Kylie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's not the official followup. We can do a followup later. But that would be really nice to have to tag right onto this, because I'm sure you could play. You could play this with her later today.

[Kylie]

I guarantee you, as soon as I'm out of my bedroom, she'll.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So maybe, maybe. First chance while it's hot. Let's play the game. You see how it goes, Everything. We just practice, put it into motion, and let's see what happens. Send that to us with, and then we'll do a real follow up in a few weeks.

[Kylie]

Okay, that sounds good.

[Jake Johnson]

Kate, good luck. I think you're in really good hands.

[Michael Cera]

Good luck, Kate. Good luck.

[Kylie]

All right. Thank you, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, bud.

[Kylie]

I can share your mommy's pen with her?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kylie]

Oh, that's nice. She'll let me use it.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Kylie]

Yeah. Lisa, you can use my pen. And Darcy, I brought you this lollipop. That was so nice of you, Mommy. Thanks, Lisa. Can I color with you guys? Yeah. Oh, awesome. I'm so excited for you to color with us, Mom. What do you think, Jos? You excited that she's gonna color with us?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kylie]

Awesome. I'm gonna. Thanks for giving my lobby pop. You're welcome, Mama. Thanks for inviting me to color with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome, Mommy.

[Michael Cera]

Yay.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Mommy.

[Kylie]

You're welcome.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Quince.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Hello. Hey. How are you today?

[Darcy]

Good. How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Can I get your name, please?

[Darcy]

Yeah, my name is Kylie.

[Jake Johnson]

Kylie.

[Darcy]

Kylie.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How you doing, Kylie?

[Michael Cera]

Hi, Kylie.

[Jake Johnson]

You've got a special guest, Kylie.

[Darcy]

Oh, who is it?

[Jake Johnson]

I've known for 20 years.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, just about.

[Jake Johnson]

Just about. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Michael Sarah has joined the podcast. Thank you, Kylie. You're a lucky lady. This guy is sharp as a tack.

[Darcy]

I'll say.

[Michael Cera]

Okay, don't. Don't put so much pressure on Kylie to react.

[Jake Johnson]

Kylie, can we get a. Thank you, Michael, can we get a big reaction, Kylie?

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, I mean, you're doing this big setup and she's like, oh, am I supposed to. I apologize, Kylie, that you can put in that position?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I'm gonna keep putting you in that position, Kylie. I'm excited.

[Michael Cera]

Let's get on to Kylie.

[Darcy]

I'm ready.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, let's not say let's get on to Kylie. Take it easy. So, I mean, Kylie, where are you calling from today?

[Darcy]

I am calling from St. Louis.

[Jake Johnson]

St. Louis.

[Michael Cera]

Great city.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Michael Cera]

Great city.

[Darcy]

Great city.

[Michael Cera]

City museum.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And you should know this. Michael is in a hotel in London and just ordered himself a delicious cocktail.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, it's not London, though. The thing is, it's not London at all. It's an hour outside of London.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Michael Cera]

I'm actually in Watford. Yeah.

[Darcy]

Lovely place right here.

[Michael Cera]

You know, it's nice. Watford. I think I've kind of maxed out on everything it has to offer, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, enough about Watford. Let's get back to Kylie. Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

It has a lot to recommend. Let's get back to Kylie. I don't want to make this all about Watford.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kylie from St. Louis, how old are you roughly?

[Darcy]

I just turned 30.

[Jake Johnson]

30. And you got a favorite animal in the animal kingdom?

[Darcy]

Yeah, I think I really like a panther. I think they're really pretty.

[Jake Johnson]

That's pretty cool. Mike, you got any questions for Kylie so we can get to know her a little bit more? She likes a panther. She's 30, she's from St. Louis.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah. I mean, a panther. Yeah, I mean the animal question kind of feel, I mean, I don't feel like I know her better at all from that answer, to be honest. I feel like that's like, like there's a question for sort of a four year old. Like, why don't I ask you sort of, I don't know. What did you, did you, did you study? Did you go to school? Did you go to any post high school? Did you go to university or college?

[Jake Johnson]

Is this a bad first date, Michael?

[Darcy]

I did.

[Michael Cera]

It is, yeah, it is, yeah. And what did you study, Kylie? Just give us a sense of what you spent years of your life studying.

[Darcy]

So I went to this university in the middle of nowhere, Missouri and I studied art history.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Michael Cera]

That's exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

That's great.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so Kylie, art history likes a panther. Now I feel embarrassed that I always ask about the animal. I feel like a 4 year old in a 46 year old man's body. But it is something I find very interesting. But Kylie, it's not about me, it's about you. What can we do for you today? What's the issue?

[Darcy]

Okay, so my question. So I have like a talent for finding things that people left in books, like at like antique stores. Like, I found probably like six or seven things over the years and my most recent treasure has put me in a little bit of a pickle. So I met up with this woman that I talked to on Facebook, Marketplace, and it looked like she was getting rid of a lot of her, like old, like undergrad textbooks. And so like, okay, cool. I went, I picked them up. As I'm putting them in their corresponding bookshelves. You know what, a postcard falls out and it lands message side down. And so all I see is what looks like kind of like an abstract painting of a sunset and then two little stick figures holding hands in the bottom. I then flip it over and what I see is a message that was never meant for anyone to read, let alone myself. Very intimate. Too intimate. And Now I'm like, do I?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, hold on, Kylie. Kindly, kindly, kindly, kindly. Before we get to what the question is, what does that mean? Very intimate. Too intimate.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

Are you willing to reveal the contents of the note or do we have to?

[Jake Johnson]

You can't call in. Yeah, you've gotta. I mean, can you send a screen? I love it as well.

[Michael Cera]

It's all remaining totally anonymous, of course.

[Jake Johnson]

So this was the postcard that you found in a book, is that correct, Kylie?

[Darcy]

Correct.

[Jake Johnson]

Correct. Okay.

[Michael Cera]

Okay. I haven't read it all yet, but I have to say it's kind of sweet. So here we go. Well, first of all, there's a pair of lips over in the corner that says moi. I guess that's like a kissing sound. It says, aloha, my sexy lady. So I guess I'm thinking someone who lives in Hawaii maybe wrote it. I want to thank you for the last months with you. And then they started to write something and thought better of it and scribbled it out, said, I enjoyed each moment being with you. I just have to comment on these. On the scrawl. It's. It's. It's kind of a strange kind of writing.

[Jake Johnson]

It is, yeah.

[Darcy]

Amateur hour.

[Michael Cera]

Like a young person. Yeah. It feels like a teenager or older.

[Jake Johnson]

Person with bad handwriting or.

[Michael Cera]

I mean, mine is not much better.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't have great handwriting writing.

[Michael Cera]

No, I. I don't either. So I enjoyed each moment being with you. The hot sex, the vivid weed induced orgasms, the laughter, people, People watching, spying on turtles, your touch, your sleepy face, our deep discussions, road trips, hikes, spontaneous anything and much more. It's been an amazing ride and I look forward to the next adventures. Despite this looming month. Sorry, despite. That's what it says, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, that's correct.

[Michael Cera]

So I guess they're spending a month apart. Despite this looming month, I'm excited to have you by my side again soon. I am going to miss you. It's very sweet.

[Jake Johnson]

It's sweet.

[Michael Cera]

It's very, very sweet.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a love note. They had a great little romance. They had some hot sex. They got stoned, had some orgasms. And it looks like they both did, which is positive. They laughed that people watched. They spied on turtles. So, Kylie, you see, this guy loves her.

[Michael Cera]

Guy loves her.

[Jake Johnson]

And it seems like she loves him. Yeah.

[Michael Cera]

If it is a him, it could.

[Jake Johnson]

Be a woman and I. Or would. And I assume that there's something Hawaii based because of aloha or just a cool kind of Keanu vibe.

[Michael Cera]

Maybe they were in Hawaii Yeah. You said there was a sunset on the other side, so, you know, kind of a Hawaiian postcard vibe.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kylie, you find this. Is there anything we're missing, or is this all you found at this point of the story?

[Darcy]

This is all. So I should preface on the other side, the initials. I know that it's the woman who I picked the book up from because it has, like, her.

[Michael Cera]

And she wrote on there.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I understand.

[Michael Cera]

She wrote it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no or no, no.

[Michael Cera]

It's to her. She's the sexy.

[Darcy]

And it was, like, obviously, like, left on the bedside. Like, it was never mailed, so it was left. But I know no other information about her. Her Facebook is private. I don't know if she's still married, if she's even.

[Michael Cera]

She smokes weed.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But this is. Kylie, I hear what you're saying on Getting Interesting. So, Kylie, will you ask the question you're gonna ask? Because now I feel like I'm getting a sense of where you're at here.

[Darcy]

Okay. So looking at the postcard, it is obviously old because it's a little yellowed. So my question is, like, do I insert myself kind of into this woman's personal life by reaching back out to her and telling her, hi, I read this. I was never supposed to. Do you want it back? Maybe embarrass her? I don't really know, because I. I wouldn't really want random people to read this. Or do I just keep it to myself? Which, like, no harm, no foul. Except for, yes, harm, yes. Because I would know.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, yes, harm, yes foul. Because you also have a postcard.

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, yeah.

[Darcy]

At least not mine.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Here's a good.

[Michael Cera]

I have an immediate take on it. I have an immediate take that's very clear to me.

[Jake Johnson]

Please.

[Michael Cera]

But it might not be for everybody. You might really not agree, Jake. But from. From. From where I'm standing, I think, first of all, let me ask you. You had, like, a brief interaction with her, right?

[Darcy]

No. So here's the thing. I only talked.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, no.

[Darcy]

And then, like, 10 minutes before, she emails me and she's like, oh, my God, I don't feel well. I'm gonna put them on my porch.

[Kate]

You know what?

[Michael Cera]

Well, then you're just in the text realm with her, right? So far.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Which is perfect.

[Michael Cera]

I think you could text her. Yeah. It's so impersonal. It's so she doesn't even have to ever see your face or face you as a human being. But you could offer. I think so. I mean, in A way that. Where she's like, what does she even care?

[Jake Johnson]

You know?

[Michael Cera]

But, like, I think if I were you, I would offer, I would say, hey, you know, there was a postcard in one of these books. It's clearly sort of from your past and written to you. And I wonder if, you know, you know, for like, nostalgic reasons, if you want a blast from the past, potentially, or maybe if it's meaningful to you, if you'd like it back. Back and put the ball in her court. Because I think if it were me, if I find something or see something I haven't thought about in a long time or reminds me of a person or a love or something, it's so nice to see it. I mean, I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

So, I mean, why not? I'm gonna actually a hundred percent be in agreement with Mike. I think we have a very clean way with a messenger and a text message. Text and messenger is basically the same thing. Thing. Are you on. Are you on board with that? And the only reason I say it's the same thing, because I know I don't know. And I'm guessing Mike doesn't know. Mike, do you still have a flip.

[Michael Cera]

Phone text on his screen? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So I know you and I are the same galaxy here, but Kylie, I got a question for you now because I think we're. We're going to. Around, but where we're going to get to is we think you should message her a version of you have it. Is that a world you want to go? If so, we could help you write it now and you could send it while you're with us.

[Darcy]

Oh, I. Yeah, because I. I agree with Michael. Like, I am kind of a romantic person. If I. I love these little tokens of like a long lost love or something or just. I think it's beautiful.

[Michael Cera]

So much love, too. Who knows? Maybe it's like her husband and maybe that was like the beginning of their marriage and that would be an important thing.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kylie, are you into the three of us right now crafting a message and sending it when we're done with it?

[Darcy]

Oh, absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. And before we get into that, you told us earlier in the call you have been known for finding things in junk shops and thrift shops. Well, I too am a junk shop guy. I've got a big part of my life. My mother owned them when I was growing up. Can you give us a little taste of the fun stuff you found over the years?

[Darcy]

Yeah, I think my favorite. There's this champagne bar. SL Library in Asheville, North Carolina. And it's full of just like 100 year old books and you can just drink champagne. Campaign. And I found this book on Abraham Lincoln. And I opened it up and it was written in 1904. And sprinkled throughout were Valentine's, written by this girl named Ruby in 1904 in Ohio.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Darcy]

Then you flip a few pages over, there's like a hall pass. There's no. Like, she really. It was like she kept this book as, like her journal.

[Jake Johnson]

That is so cool.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, yeah.

[Darcy]

And then another time, I found a crisp hondo and a little picture book.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, less romantic and cool. More a little greedy and like you. Cool. Cool.

[Michael Cera]

It's a miracle.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So you can. I like the first one, it was. There was this beautiful thing. It was at all the other one's like, I stole a hundred books from somebody who owned a bookstore.

[Michael Cera]

I don't consider that steel.

[Jake Johnson]

It. It was a. It feels good to get 100 bucks.

[Michael Cera]

How many times in your life do you find a hundred bucks? Never.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's how. My father used to give me gifts as a child.

[Michael Cera]

What, just 100? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We would see him, you know, we weren't seeing him often in those days. We'd go to his little condo and he would hide a $100 bill around his condo, and we would have to run around and find it. When we found it, he would go, hey, happy birthday. Wow.

[Darcy]

Just to distract the kids for like 20 minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

What takes me like 20 to 30 minutes where you knew it was coming, but you couldn't leave unless you found it. Kylie, back to you. Are you excited about writing this message together?

[Darcy]

I honestly am. I feel like I'm a part of something bigger than myself right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Now we're talking. Can you let me brace you, though?

[Michael Cera]

Kylie, Let me brace you for a potential disappointment because it's very possible that she's not, like, romantic and wants nothing to do with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

With you.

[Michael Cera]

You know, the person.

[Jake Johnson]

How are we looking into the future? How do we.

[Michael Cera]

No, no, I just want her to be braced because I could see myself getting kind of all swept up. And then it comes back like, no, no, thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Darcy]

Yeah. No, just recycle it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but we'll see. Yeah, we'll see. In which case, it's yours, or this is the beginning of a great story. Right? Yeah. Natalie, do you mind or, Jesse, do you mind putting the image of the letter in front of us as we're penning this to see if there's any inspiration there. Kylie, do you have the ability to start typing as we talk and making revisions? Because then at the end of this, I'd love you to read out loud what we all have. Have.

[Darcy]

Yeah, let me put you on speaker. Hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Michael Cera]

I think starting it with an address of aloha.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Michael Cera]

No, you can't. You can't.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course you can.

[Michael Cera]

No, I think it would end up.

[Jake Johnson]

Feeling my friend, comma, I think on the back end.

[Michael Cera]

Then when the woman gets the thing and she'd be like, oh, it's Alohan. She said Al. It'll feel almost like a jab.

[Jake Johnson]

Or if this is an old love letter, it would feel like a laugh, like cuz you have read it kind of. Mike's a no. I'm a yes. Where do you stand? Do you want to start with aloha, my friend?

[Darcy]

I do not want to start with aloha.

[Michael Cera]

Right. I think it's an instant alienation.

[Jake Johnson]

Then let me pitch one other thing really fast. How about lips with a woh? Do you you like that or no? I like that.

[Michael Cera]

It's going to take a lot of time to write the letter if you keep suggesting things that are impossible to include and we have to vote against you every time. It's going to take an hour.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Kylie, what do you think? So I'm a yes, Mike's a no. Where do you live on something like this?

[Darcy]

To moi?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Darcy]

I think I'm no to moi.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I'll stop pitching this stuff. My image of this letter was a little different, but I will go to the group consensus now. So really fast, before we start, what do we all think the mission of this letter is and what are we looking to accomplish?

[Darcy]

I want to let her know in good faith that I, if she wants this, I have it. I will deliver it back to her if she never wants to see it again. Block me. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I like that.

[Michael Cera]

It's so simple. It's a simple mission without any, without any agenda of itself.

[Jake Johnson]

So we are offering the opportunity for you to hand deliver this letter. And if she doesn't want it and she doesn't respond, that means she doesn't care.

[Darcy]

Yes.

[Michael Cera]

Right. And I keep it.

[Darcy]

I'll put it on my fridge.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Michael, do you want to start a version of the letter and just kind of dictate in it? Do you feel comfortable? You have a read on it or no?

[Michael Cera]

Yeah, I do. I found. Well, just say, just say, just say I found. I found a postcard in one of the books.

[Jake Johnson]

Quick question, Kylie. Kylie.

[Darcy]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me just ask you because you're calling in. Right, Right, Yeah. Do you want to have a little bit of fun with the tone of this or. No, it is totally up to you. We are on your team, but we can do a very straightforward. I found a postcard in yours. It feels personal by nature. Would you like me to drop it off? All the best, Kylie. That's an easy letter.

[Darcy]

I'm hoping for some fun.

[Jake Johnson]

There's another one that just, you know, at the beginning of every, like Goonies type movie you might be. This might be the beginning of a great love story, a great adventure. Who knows? So maybe there's a world where we splash a little fun. What do you think, Michael?

[Michael Cera]

My feeling is the fun. The fun is fun. Fun is fun. But the fun would be strictly for our enjoyment. Not. Not anything to do with Kylie and the woman. And what do you think, Kylie? It's only to enhance your show. You're the only person actually who benefits from us making it non. Like us making it flower, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Mr. Know It All. Why don't we ask our third friend on this call, Kylie. Kylie, what do you think? What do you think? What do you want? You called us. We didn't call you. How do you want this letter to go?

[Darcy]

Well, first I do want to say I really like the different tones that I'm getting from both of you and I think it's really enriching my experience to have kind of like a devil and an angel.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's correct. And thank you for saying.

[Michael Cera]

I think it's clear who's who. I think it's like I've become sort of like Kylie's pseudo advocate here a little bit. I feel like I have that sense. That's just my feeling.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you little gaslighter.

[Darcy]

That little rapport.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I feel like you and I have that little rapport, Kylie, and that I am the one trying to advocate for you as Michael sways you into a clinical flavor ice cream that you don't want.

[Darcy]

I think we can all have rapport. If you're my devil and angel, aren't.

[Michael Cera]

You on my shoulder?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kylie, let's do something. You kind of know where Mike's saying in his ear and you kind of know what I'm saying in your ear. Why don't you start typing out the letter and just say, that's a good idea.

[Michael Cera]

I think Kylie can do it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what we. I obviously want aloha moi. I obviously want Something in there. I love that you had some hot sex and some visit vivid orgasm that would definitely bring up your sleepy face. He misses And a little thing here and there in the letter. And Mike would make it two to three lines of very serious with a All the best.

[Michael Cera]

Because your suggestions are such an invasion. Like Kylie doesn't. The whole reason she even had a problem in the first place that she wanted to bring to us was she felt this is, you know, not her place to insert herself into this woman's, you know, Michael, like private situation.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Michael Cera]

And then you're telling her to flaunt all of the. All of the phrasing that she's being delicate about or in the woman's face.

[Jake Johnson]

Or the woman left it in the book on purpose.

[Michael Cera]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

And she just loved this letter she got. And she sent it to somebody who's the kind of person who collects old things and loves a story. And she was basically saying this was 25 years ago, an old love. I want you to experience the laughs that I had when I first got this.

[Michael Cera]

So this would be your version. Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey.

[Michael Cera]

I found the letter that you planted for me. And game on. The game is afoot. I'm biting. I'm willing to come there and have some weed induced laughs with you and learn a little more about your past.

[Jake Johnson]

Aloha.

[Michael Cera]

When's good for you.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kyle, I like that version. Kylie, will you just start the letter and let us listen for a little bit bit and kind of run it. And then if you're open to it, we might interject a little bit with thoughts, but let's see what you come up with. Okay, thanks.

[Michael Cera]

I want to hear Kylie's style.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Darcy]

So I'm going with something like I started very straightforward, as per Michael in one of the books I got from you. If you don't want this, let me know. And then I kind of just made myself a little vulnerable.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Darcy]

And I said I'm kind of a romantic. So I collect and keep any tokens from friends, loved ones. And this is something that I would keep if it was sent to me. If you want it, let me know. I'll be glad to swing by after work and put it in your mailbox.

[Michael Cera]

Very sweet. Now, when did you write all that? I mean, were you writing that like it's all written already ready? You. You wrote it while we were talking or when did you write this whole thing out?

[Darcy]

Yeah. Well, no, to be honest, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

A fully scripted show.

[Darcy]

I have one and a half sentences.

[Michael Cera]

And then the rest very eloquent. No, you've nailed it.

[Jake Johnson]

Perfect. Kylie, can I pitch something at the beginning though, please? So you just mentioned the postcard and then you're talking about the. As a romantic, you would save things like this, but you're not given any of the specific fun of the card. I think it's very funny that they have, comma, spying on turtles, comma, and you are, in fact spying on their relationship. Is there anything in there? I found the postcard that somebody must have written you about your time spying on turtles and the like and want to know if you want this back. Myself, I'm a romantic. Just a little. A little heat on this. Just a little heat on this. First, Michael, can we hear from Kylie first?

[Michael Cera]

No, of course. My apologies. You already know where I'm.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I know you hate it. I can tell by the way you're looking at me. But I'd love to hear from Kylie, please. What do you think about a little heat? About the turtles?

[Darcy]

You're really stuck on the turtles. And I'll. I'll play ball. Okay.

[Michael Cera]

I agree, Kylie.

[Jake Johnson]

You do?

[Michael Cera]

I agree that he's stuck a little bit. I think Kylie's a great sport about it. About.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't say the hot sex. Right? I mean, same people watching, going from that to spying on turtles. What a love letter.

[Michael Cera]

The vivid orgasm. By the way, to describe orgasms as vivid.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Michael Cera]

Weed induced vivid orgasms. I mean, none of these fuzzy, ambiguous.

[Jake Johnson]

Orgasms that you normally get that I live through.

[Michael Cera]

These were. These were very real.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. By the way, I don't think I've ever had a vivid orgasm. I've only had fuzzy ones.

[Darcy]

Your sleepy face is really gross to me. Like so intimate.

[Jake Johnson]

It is so gross. All right, come. Wait.

[Darcy]

It's like. Like I should not be reading this about her creepy face.

[Michael Cera]

Oh, I feel a little invasive. Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kylie, with the pitch in mind about the idea of adding a little bit of heat from the letter, will you just take a second look at the letter, look at what you have, see if you can add something and then present it back and if we all feel good about it, we could maybe send it and that's what could end this call. And obviously we're going to need a follow up from you.

[Darcy]

Yeah, of course. Okay, I think. Okay, let me know.

[Kylie]

So.

[Darcy]

Hi, Blank. I found a postcard in one of the books I got from you. If you don't want this, let me know. I'm kind of a romantic, so I like to keep these things from friends and loved ones, but so this is something you want to keep and remember. And then in parentheses I said, lest we forget the turtles, let me know and I will drop it in your inbox after work this week.

[Jake Johnson]

Michael, your thoughts?

[Michael Cera]

Where are you on the turtle line? I mean, I love it. I think the whole thing is really working. I'd be worried a little that she might.

[Jake Johnson]

There might be a ward on this piece.

[Michael Cera]

I mean, you know, if I got this message. Okay, now I'm in her shoes. Yeah, I. I'm going. What is being insinuated. I mean, I'm a little afraid now, by the way. I'm a little afraid of you saying, and of what and what. What? I'm.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm with Michael.

[Michael Cera]

Bargaining for here.

[Jake Johnson]

The turtles is a big.

[Michael Cera]

What am I agreeing to?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the turtles is a really weird direction we went into, and I want to. I want to cut it out.

[Michael Cera]

You see that? It's sort of like. I know something felt so weird, it.

[Jake Johnson]

Would have creeped me out. I would have never written back. I would block your number.

[Michael Cera]

Run. Go. Oh, God, you feel so naked.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Ky, let's do this. Will you erase the turtles and read it one more time? And then if we're all locked in. Yeah, already done. So one more time from start to finish, let's just hear it and make sure we're locked and loaded. Do you mind?

[Darcy]

Yeah. Yeah. So, hi, Blank. I found a postcard and one of the books I got from you. If you don't want it, let me know. I'm kind of a romantic, so I like to keep these things, you know, from friends and loved ones. If this is something you want to keep, let me know. I'll come by sometime this week and drop it in your mailbox after work this week.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I ask one last thing in here? Yeah, I think the letter is perfect. Could you also say, psych this? If you don't want it. Could you tell me what happened between you two?

[Michael Cera]

No, Jake, I would kill it right away.

[Jake Johnson]

God, I'm just so curious what happened.

[Darcy]

I. Trust me, I am, too. But, like, I don't know this woman.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you're right.

[Darcy]

I would never.

[Michael Cera]

I'm like. I don't want to put any onus on her.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I got you. So maybe. Maybe we're doing this.

[Darcy]

Who the hell are you?

[Jake Johnson]

You're right. I'm just the lady who bought the book, who once found a hundred dollars in a book and kept it. I mean, I'm the kind of lady who doesn't view that as stealing.

[Darcy]

I Bought the book, Is it Not mine.

[Jake Johnson]

No one's arguing.

[Michael Cera]

I think it is. Finders keepers.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. So if you go to a bacon, you find a thousand dollars in this safe and you keep it.

[Michael Cera]

That's a. That's different from finding.

[Jake Johnson]

I think I found it in your wallet.

[Michael Cera]

I don't know if that'll hold up in court.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't know if anything.

[Michael Cera]

I took the guy.

[Jake Johnson]

This whole court's on it.

[Michael Cera]

I don't think finding it's the crime. It's whatever you did before the finding it that.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't a long show, Michael. Show. Let's move on. So, Kylie, I. Okay, then. I'm not going to push for sending it. But if she writes back before you write back again, will you call in? Because what I would love to get to. Because I think she's going to write back to this. What I would love to get to is that we, as a show, get to find out more what happened between the Sexy lady and Mr. Hawaii.

[Darcy]

Hell yeah. No, for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you do us a favor and will you send that message right now so that we know it's off in the world? World?

[Darcy]

Yes. Copy.

[Michael Cera]

It'd be interesting if that was like her, you know, longtime partner or maybe it's just a fling that she's hardly.

[Jake Johnson]

Thinking that she saved. Maybe she was reading this book while. And then they. Something bad happened. You never know.

[Darcy]

Yeah, like I know nothing about her. So everything. All these ideas.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Sam]

Where is she it.

[Michael Cera]

By the way of finds. That's a good find.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a good find. That's an easy. If she says no, it's an easy frame timer. So, Kylie, have you done it?

[Darcy]

I sent it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks so much. And will you please follow up with Michael? Go ahead.

[Michael Cera]

Just before, like. I really like talking to you, Kylie, so I kind of wanted to include you in this too. I don't want to, but I want to tell you, Jake real quick, a thing I found recently. Did I tell you it.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Michael Cera]

Okay. So my son was, you know, born. Yeah. Three and a half years ago. He's, you know, our pregnancy was like during COVID Covid. You know, my wife's pregnancy. I know you're not supposed to say our.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Michael Cera]

You know what I'm saying? So we didn't get to see my family for all that time. Anyway, the first time my family got to meet him because we went and we were working and stuff and we didn't get home with him until he was turning 1 years old. So after his first birthday, we Went home up to Canada and saw my family. We were at my mom's house and in this she has one room with a lot of my stuff in it including a dresser that has been since my childhood. This dresser has come. It's moved through like several different moves of. Through a few houses. It's got a bunch of stuff in it and I start rifling through it like I normally do when I go home to see what's in there and there's all this stuff. And I find in this dresser for the first time, you know, in my life. I've never stumbled upon this item before. I find in the dresser a letter that I wrote when I was 10 years old addressed to my son.

[Jake Johnson]

No, in the future.

[Michael Cera]

And it's a letter to my son written by me. I had obviously no. No concept of it like at all.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh Michael.

[Michael Cera]

So I sat down when I was 10. I was like ground. I was like sent to my room and I wrote this letter to. To him. And like the thing is it's a whole letter to him. I have it framed in my house. It's like. It's like. It's like I'm here in my room. It's like. It's like it's. We just. It's the turn of the millennium or something and it's got a lot of stuff. I don't know. It says like the. The sign off. It says I hope you're enjoying the future because I'm sure enjoying the past. And it says I love you very much. And. And the envelope said to be read only by the son of Michael Sarah. And it's written in crayon and I got it framed but. But like you know like this 10 year old kid sat down and wrote this like with this crazy idea that one day his Dunwood wrote it and that really is going to come true.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the crazy amazing.

[Michael Cera]

Like an arrow through time. And what was really interesting was like it was amazing to have this thing in my hand that was like really a treasure. A treasured item. But it was from myself but it was like I've treasured it more than anything I've ever treasured and it was just from me to me.

[Jake Johnson]

That's awesome. That is highlight. That sounds like wheelhouse stuff you like like God no.

[Darcy]

I'm so. It was crazy like after you hadn't seen your family in so long.

[Michael Cera]

Hadn't found it until right when I. Yeah, yeah. So weird. It like hit its target perfectly this thing. I was so nervous until it was finally behind glass. Like, framed. Like traveling home with. I was so nervous about it. It was so precious to me. Yeah. You'll see it. Come whenever you come visit Kylie, follow.

[Jake Johnson]

Up with us, okay?

[Darcy]

Absolutely. Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks so much.

[Michael Cera]

Bye, Kylie.

[Darcy]

Bye, Darce.

[Kylie]

Let's get ready for swim class. Okay, das. Let's get ready for swim class, okay? Okay, das, what do you want to be? Oh, what do you want me to be? Okay, das. I'll be this princess to be dispossessed. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Please don't put this on me, Lisa. Sure I'm not bigger yet to put stuff on me.

[Kylie]

You're not big enough to put stuff on you. D. You can do anything you put your mind to.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question at helpfulpod gmail. And if you want to watch video episodes of we're here to help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Michael Cera]

We're here to help is produced by rabbit grim productions Executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Michael Cera]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by oliver raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James fosdike. Animations by Andy Andrew strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[H]

Very much, my sweet wind. I love you, love you, love you I'm always thinking of you I love you very much you oh now I love your magic in your way You're a perfect little cat just for me. I love you are you I thinking of you and I will be flowing to oh, how I love your Mrs. Gingerbread on your head situ triangle shape. I love you, love you, love you I am always thinking of you I wish I could feel oh, how I love you Mrs. G. You are where we sh to the touch. You're my monkey, little monkey, my chunky little monkey which is why I love you so much. You need a very special move.

[Kylie]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. 20th. Go to patreon.com forward/heretohelpod.

[Kate]

Hey, it's Nicole byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl Same. Welcome to why Won't yout Date Me? The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week I get real with comedians, friends and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Hadditch, and so many more. So whether you're single, mingling or booed up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into why Won't yout Date Me with me Nicole Byer and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.