150: Pod Wars: The Lamorne Tapes

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help - Episode 150: Pod Wars: The Lamorne Tapes

Overview

In Episode 150 of We're Here to Help, hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds from Headgum, the dynamic duo delve into a heated confrontation with Lamorne Morris, best known for his role in New Girl. Titled "Pod Wars: The Lamorne Tapes," this episode unravels the complexities of their fractured relationship, exploring issues of misrepresentation, personal boundaries, and attempts at reconciliation. The episode combines candid discussions, humorous exchanges, and a unique interactive segment involving a fictional wedding speech.

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1. The Conflict with Lamorne Morris

Early Tensions and Misrepresentation

The episode kicks off with Jake and Gareth expressing their frustration over Lamorne Morris's use of technology to misrepresent their podcast interactions. Lamorne reportedly utilized voice generator apps to fabricate conversations that portrayed Jake and Gareth negatively.

• Jake Johnson [07:05]: "What Lamorne does on his podcast with Kyle is, I think, tries to get people just to look at him in pajama outfits."

• Gareth Reynolds [08:35]: "Because everyone knows without them, what are we doing? We're just walking around a soundstage doing nothing."

Mustache Controversy: "Mustache Gate"

A significant point of contention is the so-called "Mustache Gate," where Kyle Reynolds's mustache allegedly hampered their podcast's success. Jake and Gareth assert that Lamorne pressured Kyle to shave off his mustache, negatively impacting their show's ratings and advertiser appeal.

• Jake Johnson [17:06]: "Hollywood's a small town, and his mustache looks goofy. It's an embarrassment to the show."

• Gareth Reynolds [17:30]: "It's a bad mother. It's just not great."

Deep Fakes and Fake News

Jake and Gareth highlight instances where Lamorne released heavily edited, fake clips intended to tarnish their reputation. One notable example includes a manipulated audio clip of Joe Biden speaking inappropriately.

• Jake Johnson [15:57]: "So, Lamorne's claiming this is what Joe Biden... said during an interview."

• Gareth Reynolds [16:17]: "Man, look, look, look, look."

2. Personal Relationships and Emotional Impact

Emotional Strain and Betrayal

The hosts reveal the depth of their personal relationship with Lamorne, describing him as "a brother" and expressing heartbreak over the fallout.

• Jake Johnson [10:32]: "I love Lamorne. Yes. I want to sue him and go on People's Court with him, but he knows this. I love the guy."

Attempts at Moving Forward

Despite the animosity, Jake and Gareth contemplate a path toward reconciliation by inviting Lamorne and Kyle Reynolds to their show for a special episode. They aim to "bury the hatchet" and clear the air.

• Jake Johnson [93:04]: "But listen, what we're just trying to do here is just trying to bring people together. We would love to have you guys on."

• Gareth Reynolds [93:38]: "We’re here to help, right."

3. Interactive Segment: The Wedding Speech

Caller Nicole's Embarrassing Story

The episode introduces "Nicole," a caller who shares an embarrassing incident where she was caught masturbating by a pet camera while house-sitting for friends. This segment serves as a comedic yet insightful exploration of privacy intrusions and personal embarrassment.

• Nicole [28:41]: "I had this super embarrassing story happen to me... I couldn't tell anybody at all."

Advice Discourse

Jake, Gareth, and guest Rob Hollis offer a mix of humorous and genuine advice on handling such embarrassing situations, emphasizing moving forward and addressing the issue directly if possible.

• Jake Johnson [39:00]: "If I'm alone in a hotel room, the first thing, you got to let it rip."

• Gareth Reynolds [49:17]: "You come out of the closet with this one. I think you let everybody know you’re a freak."

Rehearsed Wedding Speech with Lamorne

In a creative twist, the hosts attempt to craft a wedding speech for Nicole's sister, Natalie, incorporating Lamorne into the process. This segment is filled with improvisational humor, showcasing the hosts' chemistry and their ongoing playful antagonism with Lamorne.

• Jake Johnson [63:19]: "This is Hip Hop Church. I'll start again."

• Rob Hollis [87:57]: "Whatever diet you’re after, Hungry Root is just like having a personal shopper and a nutritionist all wrapped into one."

4. Resolution and Future Directions

Invitation to Reconcile

The episode concludes with Jake and Gareth extending an olive branch to Lamorne Morris, inviting him to join their podcast for a special episode aimed at resolving their differences and moving forward collaboratively.

• Jake Johnson [92:33]: "But what we're going to do is offer Lamorne and Kyle to come on the show for a very special episode."

• Gareth Reynolds [93:38]: "We’re here to help, right."

Final Thoughts

The hosts acknowledge the challenges of maintaining professional and personal relationships in the public eye, highlighting their commitment to helping others while navigating their own conflicts.

• Jake Johnson [94:15]: "We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds... We're here to help."

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Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson [07:05]: "What Lamorne does on his podcast with Kyle is, I think, tries to get people just to look at him in pajama outfits."

• Gareth Reynolds [17:30]: "It's a bad mother. It's just not great."

• Nicole [28:41]: "I had this super embarrassing story happen to me... I couldn't tell anybody at all."

• Jake Johnson [39:00]: "If I'm alone in a hotel room, the first thing, you got to let it rip."

• Jake Johnson [92:33]: "What we're asking Lamorne, before you and I end up on People's Court..."

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Conclusion

Episode 150 of We're Here to Help serves as a deep dive into the intricate dynamics between podcast hosts and their celebrity counterparts. Through candid conversations, comedic interactions, and heartfelt attempts at reconciliation, Jake and Gareth navigate the tumultuous waters of personal relationships in the digital age. The episode not only entertains but also sheds light on the importance of authenticity, boundary-setting, and the complexities of public friendships.

For those interested in witnessing the full resolution and potential future collaborations between We're Here to Help and Lamorne Morris, stay tuned for upcoming episodes.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Lamorne Morris]

Now let's break it down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy.

[Lamorne Morris]

Bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and the drinks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sound good? I participate in restaurants for a limited time.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Nora. Come on, dude, cool it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who are you talking to?

[Jake Johnson]

My dog is. Follows me around, then snores and makes so much noise that we got a whole house. Just go in any other room. She is a retired guide dog and I truly believe she thinks I'm the blind person. She's like, where are you going, pal? Where are you going? I'm like, I'm the only one who needs good audio right now. She's like, let me just come in here and bang my head against the wood floor for a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm probably gonna nap right near that microphone, Truly.

[Jake Johnson]

And I've been on zooms where it sounds like and I want to be like my little blue things lights up. I'm like not ripping ass. There's a dog outside of camera. I'm not making that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Try to mute. Yeah, in between every statement, try to mute.

[Jake Johnson]

It's humiliating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Real quick, there was someone who. There was a podcast that said that Dave farted on a dollop recording. We did. And they were like playing it back. They're like, listen closely. Dave is like, I didn't fart, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

And let's just have already started. Rob. Let's just keep all this in. We'll just start weird on this Thursday. We'll just transition everybody. And we're back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we're back.

[Rob Hollis]

It's a Thursday.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a special one. We'll explain Rocket Money. But one of the funniest things is clips of people trying on television who have farted and people on YouTube trying to expose them. Yeah, there was a guy. It was a sports announcer. I feel like we've sent this to each other. Gareth. But it was like, they're all talking in a panel and you can hear the fart. There's been, like, different people. I'm thinking of, like, I can't remember who it was, but there's, like, really clear ones.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Tony Romo or somebody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a Romo fart. Absolutely. But there's also. You're like, I don't think, like, yeah, but they do. I know they do, but you have to really rip it for, like, for Jim Nance to not be like, whoa.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Rob Hollis]

Did you see them? The marathon runner?

[Jake Johnson]

No, she.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She.

[Rob Hollis]

Her pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, well, that happens.

[Jake Johnson]

I have seen that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And she says, don't feel my butt.

[Rob Hollis]

I just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Myself. Yeah, that happens, like, with marathon runners where they, like, they're so determined to finish that they just.

[Jake Johnson]

That I understand more. I did, when I was doing tag, Hannibal Burris in the middle of a scene, farted. And, you know, we are not only Mike for comedy. No, no, we were. He. Me. We were in a scene. I can't remember who else was in it. Middle of coverage. Middle of a take. Blue ass.

[Rob Hollis]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

And, you know, Obviously I'm a 10 year old when somebody farts, so I died laughing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Y.

[Jake Johnson]

He had the nerve to say to me, come on, man, stay in it. We're in the middle of a take.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I was like, no, you know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't get to tickle and say, keep it together.

[Jake Johnson]

I. You. I was like. And also the nerve of, like, being on camera. Sou part. But also ribbon ass. Then saying, be a grown up is a real power play.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah, that's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the way making you num.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard to make you seem childish when someone else cuts ass. Be like, you're a child about this.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, could you please grow up? I farted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good Lord. Finish your line.

[Jake Johnson]

So we've got today. Well, this is an interesting one. These are, you know, Thursdays are experimental days. Gareth and Rob. Yep. We're figuring them out. We're having a little bit of fun on Thursdays. We're back into season two. We're having fun, and we're starting to figure out what we can do. We released the Biff one on a Thursday, and this is our second one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this one has to be put out because, you know, we didn't really choose. Yeah.

[Rob Hollis]

Forced.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We didn't want to have to do this. To be quite honest with you. This is kind of the battle that chose us. Yeah. You know, I mean, we're. We're just kind of Reacting.

[Jake Johnson]

You want to set up a little bit, Gareth, of what's going on to people who have not. So all this stuff, you can find it on social media, the clips of this. For anybody who just listens. Who wants to see. Go to our.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you have. It's very important to see the video of this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And also it's important to see the video of what they did. So, yes, the Morning after podcast. Look, I think it's on their Instagram, but it's also on ours. If not, we'll post it. We'll just steal it from them and post it. Who cares?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it started out kind of just silly. I mean, you. You basically explained that you did a live the morning after.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And our show got a better reaction.

[Jake Johnson]

As a dear favor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I mean, you're a busy guy.

[Jake Johnson]

He called Damian Waynes Jr. And I begging. He said, yeah, the show is a total bust. The theater is really mad. Nobody's showing up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get some names attached.

[Jake Johnson]

Damon, please come. And Damon was like, lamorn, I don't want to go. And so Dame and I are like, well, we haven't seen each other. We respect each other. Let's just go. So. Well, I would say what it was going in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would say for you, that probably makes this so hard because, you know, it turns from favor quickly to. To battle.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. What I also don't understand about Lamorne is like, yeah, he's getting a lot of hype right now. The media's behind him. Well, we've all pitched in. In the business to hire PR people for him. He needs this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, he. He's like that kid you're doing a favor for, and everyone's trying to pat his head, and then he flexes on you, and you're like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like he had a sleepover that nobody wanted to come to. He begs you to come to it, and then you wake up and he's put your fingers in warm water all night and think it's like he wrote.

[Jake Johnson]

A dick on your forehead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And he wrote a dick. I like. Instead of drawing, I like writing a dick. So.

[Jake Johnson]

Pencil.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, with a pencil. So. So anyway, so he did that. You did that. We got a better reaction. Whatever. We're not egomaniacs. Whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but it wasn't even close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You. You threw it away. It matter.

[Jake Johnson]

Long story short, for anyone, I simply. They said late 30s. He said, Lamor's doing the show. The crowd was full. Everyone's excited. They're all excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then they. At the morning after, and I think it's safe now to say, you know, Kyle's fully involved in this. At this point, I. For a minute, I thought he was getting dragged along, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I actually think Kyle's a victim of this, But I can explain later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we're about to maybe see a little evidence in that.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I. Actually, I. I know that's the case.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right, so we. So we now know Kyle's a victim, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Of Lamorn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of Lamorn, absolutely. Which we'll get a little more into. But anyway, so then Lamorn and Kyle put out this clip that is of the moment you talked about, and it's just very clearly edited.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, idiots.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. It's not even a good attempt.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it's obviously a deep fake. It's fake news. And they put that out there. They're trying to kind of poke the bear a little bit. We kind of let that go because.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to tell you. But I'll tell you why we kind of let it go. We're trying to do a podcast here where we take in callers and we give some of the best advice America has to offer. Guys like, you know, Dr. Phil, the real one, real hitters are emailing us and thanking us for the work we're doing. Dr. What's the guy's name who does all the rehab? Dr. Drew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dr. Drew.

[Jake Johnson]

Dr. Drew emailed us. So what we're actually doing is trying to help people. What Lamorne does on his podcast with Kyle is, I think, tries to get people just to look at him in pajama outfits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It seems to be the kind of different shows, but I think you're right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because I think we're trying to kind of have. We are trying to stay.

[Jake Johnson]

We're to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

They're here to take hurt. To hurt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. And anyway, so it's important that people know that we are, you know, good, respectable guys. Anyway, they're trying to drag us down, so we kind of let it go. We've mention it, but we kind of let it go. Who cares? But then they really start going after it and they kind of. First of all, very disrespectful to me, pretending to not know my name.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think they know your name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think they do.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think that was a bit Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think everybody knows.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's cut this out for a second, Garrett. They don't know your name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they do. So they know me.

[Jake Johnson]

They do. They do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, even in the. They put out a clip of Puff.

[Jake Johnson]

Talking about you that was unthinkably disrespectful. Very clearly. So here's the other thing. And I know this is a fact because Lamorne has texted me, off the record. Oh, that you can do this stuff. And he laughed about it. There's some app called Voice Generator, and he's like, dude, it's hilarious. We can get anyone to say anything. So he does Puff Daddy as if I partied with him.

[Rob Hollis]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rob sort of saw. We were kind of getting kicked around. We were trying to rise above it.

[Jake Johnson]

We were trying to ignore it, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Rob sort of says, you know, optically, we're kind of getting dragged through the here. And we know on the Inside Hollywood Secret that you have some stuff, Jake, that's from your personal life because you hike with Lamorne. We've heard about it. Right. We know there's some, you know, some stuff that probably shouldn't be out there.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, let me say this. I. I hate to do this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

You do this. I. I love Lamorne. Yes. I want to sue him and go on People's court with him, but he knows this. I love the guy. And this is. It's breaking my heart that it's coming to this. He's. He's in my inner circle. I love the guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you did a show. I mean, but I just.

[Jake Johnson]

He knows I have this footage, and I don't want to release it. I don't, like, release, you know, footage of when I go to his house. I go in his bathroom, and he's got a chair facing the toilet. That stuff embarrasses me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I saw that.

[Jake Johnson]

It embarrasses me that he lives this way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's just important.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's important.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And so I would like to release this video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And this was taken when he and I took a hike together. And this was just. I believe us talking. Isn't that right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. Good. That's. That's what it is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So let's watch it. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh?

[Jake Johnson]

I just turned this on because you fake it around the camera. You're trying to take too many breaks. Okay. Come on.

[Rob Hollis]

You're not filming, right? I don't need those fans. They are trash fans. I'm moving up. It's not even that I don't appreciate them. It's worse. I want them to stop following me and listening to my show. The mediocre morning after with that Keith guy. See, New Girl was my caterpillar phase. I was a weird Gross worm or whatever. Now I'm a butterfly. I don't need New girl people from the cocoon days bothering me. I'm flying now. I have wings lead me to the skies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so. It's so blatant.

[Jake Johnson]

Very good job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about? You mean. I'm putting it. Yeah. Well, on the captions. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Good job with the captions.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, the captions. You did great. Everything else is.

[Jake Johnson]

You're DPing that quick, quick side thing. And then we will get back. But. And obviously, this could stay in. But whenever we all get afraid, and this has nothing to do with the video we just saw. This is just a different thought I'm having. Well, we all get scared of AI taking over the world. We got some time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. They're gonna take over everything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That's a natural.

[Jake Johnson]

We all get scared. It's a total non segurator. It's got nothing to do, that video. But, yeah, I do believe we got some time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's a non sequitur, though. That's. That's a different intro because what we saw there is damning.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And to be clear, when he's talking about fans, is he talking about the. The fans of New Girl?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Lamorne. All right, now, Lamorn hates New Girl fans. He said it a bunch. We all know it. It's the. It's the biggest kept, you know, secret in Hollywood. We all love the fans because without them, what are we doing? We're just walking around a sound stage doing nothing. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's Wayne's World. But because of them, the show mattered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you love the fans. I mean, you say that all the time.

[Jake Johnson]

I do. I say it all the time. Everything I do. Max, Zoe, Hannah and I, we'll go out there and just do anything. Brian, we'll do anything for the fans. Lamor is always passing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamorn always uses hand sanitizer anytime he even sees a New Girl fan. And I'm like, you didn't even touch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And he goes, they looked at me. And I'm like, that's dis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. It's painful to have to do this.

[Jake Johnson]

I, I, I. Again, I love you. I'm sorry about this. But then this other part that I really want to get into.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Is about the abuse that he has done. Well, first of all, maybe we could show the clip that he sent me. Yeah. Kyle.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Rob Hollis]

Also, did you see. Did you see Kyle's video about trying to defend his mustache?

[Jake Johnson]

No. Is this real? Yeah, yeah, hold. But we haven't talked about what happened there with the mustache.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe we do that last. So we sort of, you know, I.

[Rob Hollis]

Think do set up the Kevin defending.

[Jake Johnson]

The mustache thing before we leak the audio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kyle.

[Rob Hollis]

Kyle, whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, perfect. Leave that in too. Rob, did you hear that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kyle?

[Jake Johnson]

That's not being edited out. That was. That was real leaked audio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was legit. Rob, we literally just said your name and Rob got it way wrong.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, the guy who found all this footage just called Kevin my man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Clearly knows. Well, Lamore called her Keith in that video. So it's very confusing.

[Jake Johnson]

Call him Keith in all these videos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they called him Keith.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Rob, that might be a problem. Does he call him Keith?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Leaked audios.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, no, just in that one. But that I think shows Lamorne's inability to focus on who he's working with. It shows how self centered he is. I mean, it shows why he has a chair in the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, he has that because he's a creep. He's disgusting. He's a pervert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a crap creep. So. So the next thing we'll watch is. Is we'll watch.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamorne sent me this. I just want people to know the kind of deep fake stuff Lamorn's doing. He sent me out of the blue of footage of Joe, quote unquote, Joe Biden. Right. Talking to me directly. This is just the kind of trash I get as a text. It's a Monday morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, look.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I know. Look, look, look. We're here to help you. Come on, man. I like the blacks and I like. We're here to help favorite radio station, Jake Johnson. Let me sniff his ear while I fingered him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay? It's just.

[Jake Johnson]

That's like, hold on, we gotta play that one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's rotten.

[Jake Johnson]

So he's. So Lamorne's claiming this is what Joe Biden, the ex president of the United States of America said during an interview.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man, look, look, look, look.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you know, look, look, look. We're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the blacks and I like. We're here to help favorite radio station, Jake Johnson. Let me sniff his ear while I figured out. So I just need people to know the kind of trash that Lamorne does. This is who the guy is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Favorite radio station. Now look, we're laughing only because of how absurd it is to call our podcast the radio station.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so now, by the way, I call it a radio show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have.

[Jake Johnson]

So now this other part of this that we're getting into is there's all this talk about Kyle's mustache. It's all over the Internet. It's one of the biggest stories going around. We've known the industry knows that Kyle's mustache is holding back their show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hollywood's a small town.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And his mustache looks goofy. It doesn't look right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't feel right on his face. It's an embarrassment to the show. And has it hurt their numbers? Well, we know as a fact, because they're at Head gum, it really hurts their sales. So they have a really hard time selling ads a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why they didn't get Kleenex. Kleenex doesn't want to work with someone who can get a snotty like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's also. It's just. It's a bad mother. It's just. It's not great. So Lamorne has been trying to be cool about Kyle keeping that stash and publicly acts like he doesn't care, but I guess. Rob, you found something. I did. I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't really want to share this, but, see, this is at head. The cameras are always rolling, and that's what people need to remember.

[Jake Johnson]

Was it Headgum? So this is leaked audio?

[Rob Hollis]

It is. Are you listening to me, Kyle? You want to know why no one listens to our stupid podcast? Want to know why? I'll tell you. They come for me. They come for me. I'm Lamorne Morris. I'm the king. I own these people. I hate my fans, but they love me. People respect me. People fear me. I'm taller than Kevin Hart. They come for me. But why did they leave? Why do we get such bad numbers and can't even sell ads for rocket money? Because of your mustache. You look like a creep. You look like a weirdo. You shave it, or you're done on my podcast. You understand me, you little weirdo?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're done.

[Rob Hollis]

Shave or you're fired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, and then there's no and then the reveal is that Kyle has no.

[Jake Johnson]

Mus at the end. So Lamorne bullied Kyle, and Kyle literally shaved because of Lamorne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, that's what it looks like. Yeah. I mean, we don't want to get involved in this. I mean, it's very clearly Lamortin Lamorn has one of those voices that's very distinct, and you could tell that that's his voice.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's very clearly his voice.

[Jake Johnson]

So look, it's a match. Yeah. Here's what we're doing today, guys. We're just saying we understand what's been happening. We don't want to be involved in this kind of that we feel like this trash is beneath us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But what we're going to do today is to honor Lamorne.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. As a sort of olive branch.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, we're at a point like we could keep kicking down, but let's start pulling up, Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

What we're going to do is we're going to re release two of his calls, which, you know, they're honestly two of my favorite calls, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Because they're unhinged.

[Jake Johnson]

Because they're unhinged. Because they're funny. The first one is going to be the one of our. It was episode four. It was when Lamorne, when the woman was house sitting a cat. But you know what? Let's just let anybody who hasn't heard people who are new to the pod experience it for the first time.

[Rob Hollis]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I have heard some people who are coming in and you know, even Morgan, they're going back and learning the cat, the catalog, but they haven't listened to anything. So we're going to start highlighting some every once in a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Y.

[Jake Johnson]

And this is highlighting that as well.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As the Wedding Speech, which is a classic. Both classics. I mean, we loved, we love and loved having Lamorne on the show. That's what makes this so hard. Before we throw to that Jake, should we see Kyle's sort of attempt at a cover up that Rob was referring to?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, right. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just to kind of put a final point on this and then we'll go to the Lamorn calls and again, we encourage everyone to go listen to the Lamorning after, you know it go get it. I mean, Lamorne said those things and, you know, he said them, but that doesn't mean.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, he looks so much worse without a mustache.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Lamorn made a bad call. So let's. This is from Kyle here on Mustache Gate as it's being. So just to set the record straight here, I had shaved prior to any videos being released by the We're Here to Help podcast. Why'd you say everyone knows I have.

[Rob Hollis]

The most majestic mustache in the game?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those guys even said so in their. In their video. I've received countless DMS that guys and girls saying that my mustache.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So in no way, shape or form did I see also wearing transitions of their videos.

[Rob Hollis]

This was done prior. So just a weird coincidence.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, hold on. I'm not making a joke here. He seemed scared and he seems like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone is off camera, making him.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what that is? That's Lamorne's trailer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that right?

[Jake Johnson]

Look at the back. That is a trailer from being on set.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamorne is currently shooting something. I guarantee you he is in Lamorne's trailer. And it's like that's sort of a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hostage video he's brought there to for a forced confession.

[Jake Johnson]

So first of all, Kyle, we love you. We're here for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Reach out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Call us. I mean, this is what we do. Call us with this problem and let's.

[Jake Johnson]

If you want to call in, please call in. Please call in the show. We can get you away from the Warren. Use a fake name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Because this Keith works.

[Jake Johnson]

Perfect. The problem is what are you going to change Lamorn to Malone? Keith and Malone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good. No one will know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it's the Malorning after.

[Jake Johnson]

We. We worry about you, bud. I'm sorry you got bullied into shaving that mustache. Nobody believes your fake hostage video. We love you. We're here for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

And. Yeah. And Rob, thanks for finding those videos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Rob Hollis]

And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, thank you. And also, you know, that's tough. I'm sure that was tough to watch.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah. But.

[Jake Johnson]

And maybe to take us out before we go to the episodes. And then we're just gonna have these two. We hope you enjoy them. Could you possibly play the Joe Biden one more time?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think it's worth hearing again, man. Look, look, look, look.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you know, look, look, look. We're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the Blacks and I like. We're Here to Help. Favorite radio station, Jake Johnson. Let me sniff his ear while I fingered him, everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why. About the Blacks. Enjoy. Without further ado.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by booking.com. booking. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, every time I use booking.com to find a place to stay, I know they have exactly what I'm looking for. They have a huge variety of options, from hotels to vacation rentals. Always feel very secure that I'm going to find what I'm looking for. Booking.com has something for everybody. I recently was doing a run of shows in Northern California and found out maybe like three days before that I had to book my own hotels. And so I go to booking.com very quickly. Find places not only close to the venue, but places that just had things around there. Makes your life easy. All the box I'm trying to check, will they accept a A van. Will they have a luggage cart or do I have to have just. Everything is very easy to do with booking.com so no matter who you are, booking.com helps you find a state that is ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.combooking. yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Quints.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Gareth and I are both men who now wear Quince clothing. And not only do we look good, but we feel good. Look good, feel good with Quince.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a corduroy jacket from Quince. I have multiple shirts from Quince. I have one of those shirts from Quince that has like the three buttons up tops. Perfect. Show a little chest off, you know what I mean? Not too much. You're not giving away. Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quince.com/here to help for free shipping on your order on 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E dot com here to help to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quint.com here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Quip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Rob Hollis]

Stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Nicole]

Hi, can you hear me?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we got you perfectly. Welcome to the podcast.

[Nicole]

Thank you so much for having me on. It's an honor and a privilege.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's an honor to have you. Can we get your name, please?

[Nicole]

Can I give a fake name?

[Jake Johnson]

You can give whatever you want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Nicole]

Okay. My name is Emma.

[Jake Johnson]

Emma, you're on with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson, and our special guest, a dear friend, Chicago native Lamorne Morris. Welcome to the podcast, Lamorne.

[Rob Hollis]

Oh, thank you for having me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my gosh, thank you.

[Nicole]

Hi, Lamorne.

[Rob Hollis]

Hey, Emma. Emma, real quick, what's your real name?

[Nicole]

That's a great question. I would love to tell you, but I'm not going to.

[Jake Johnson]

Good. I'm with you, Emma. Don't be bullied by Lamorne.

[Nicole]

It's going to be hard, but I'll try.

[Jake Johnson]

Emma, we brought Lamorne on today because we got your email. We think he's an expert on this subject. So, Emma, please go ahead and would you tell us a little bit about why you're calling in today?

[Nicole]

Well, I'm calling because I had this super embarrassing story happen to me and it was so humiliating that I couldn't tell anybody at all. And when I saw you post on Instagram about sharing embarrassing stories, I was like, okay. Perfect opportunity to admit a story that I would never have shared otherwise. So that's what I'm calling about.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a good start. It's a good start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We love this. Yeah.

[Nicole]

So just a few months ago, I had some friends from college who asked me to pet sit for them for a week. And this was like the most. The most exciting thing ever because I live with roommates and there's no alone time and I'm an introvert, and so it's just always busy. And so I jumped at this opportunity to just be alone for a whole week. And so when I get there, I am so excited. I get to just be a human for an entire Week. And of course, that consists of just near constant masturbation, because there is absolutely no place to do that in private in, like, the way that I would normally want to. So as this week goes on, I am just so excited because I can even do it in the living room, like, in public.

[Lamorne Morris]

It's.

[Nicole]

It's just the most exhilarating thing. The whole week long, I am just having the time of my life. And then the week comes to a close. About an hour before I'm supposed to leave, I've just finished my final session, and I look up and realize that staring directly at me is a pet camera.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Nicole]

And I immediately go into the biggest panic attack of my entire life and totally blacked out and threw the camera out the window because, you know, what else are you going to do in that moment? You know, you can't throw yourself out the window.

[Jake Johnson]

It's all recorded. So, yeah, this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm understanding the fake name a little bit now. I think I kind of.

[Nicole]

Yeah, right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Name part.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Lamar, really quickly, you know, now for sure why we brought you on for this one. Correct. I don't know anybody who masturbates at a level that my man Lamorn Morris does.

[Rob Hollis]

I go to work.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is.

[Nicole]

You're the same way.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah, but when I do it, I always make sure I look out for that little red dot in the sky. You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

You've been talking about that red dot since the 80s, Lamore.

[Rob Hollis]

I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounded crazy now.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nicole]

How can you tell, though, if it's, like, wireless?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no red dot.

[Rob Hollis]

There's no red dot. Listen, if you didn't see a red dot, I got news for you. They may not have been recording.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I bet they were. So. Okay, first of all, I'm a. So the question is, basically, and I'm asking, not telling, you spent a week house sitting, some pets. You masturbated all week. You're afraid that they saw. Correct.

[Nicole]

Correct. And I have not spoken to them since. I am too humiliated, and I have no idea how to approach this.

[Jake Johnson]

Are they close friends of yours?

[Nicole]

They are, but they are out of state, so I don't actually have to see them that often.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How long ago was this?

[Nicole]

Just a few months ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just.

[Rob Hollis]

That's. I got news for you. They saw it.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I think. For sure.

[Nicole]

Oh, man.

[Jake Johnson]

And I also think everybody in your extended group of friends has heard about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that you just see this as a real masturbation holiday. That's very Relatable. Anyone who I've ever pet, sat for stayed in their house. Absolutely. Like when I had roommates, it was like when I lived with my girlfriend at the time and she would leave town, it was just. I really understand the let's let it rip attitude and I fully support it. So I don't want you to think that we're like, you know, what you did is, look, I've been there. I think that's great. I support it. Unfortunately, yeah, technology has caught up with us. House sitting masturbators and. All.

[Jake Johnson]

Right, look, this is shameful and embarrassing, but I also, if I'm alone in a hotel room, the first thing, you got to let it rip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The way they call the body lotion, like, it's like body lotion hotel. Really? This is masturbation.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I interrupt for a second? Because Lamorn is making faces as if he doesn't let it rip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's shaming us.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, well, that's a lie.

[Nicole]

Come on.

[Rob Hollis]

No, no, no, it's not. It's not that. I listen as a single man. Hello. These hands are. Don't get much use because I can tell you others. Do you get what I'm trying to say?

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody gets what you're saying. We're talking about it.

[Rob Hollis]

What I'm saying. Yeah, what I'm trying to say is I. I get. You know what I'm saying?

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth and I have all admitted that we let it rip. And you said something about these hands get used. Are you talking about on yourself?

[Rob Hollis]

No, no, they don't get used. They're unused. I date around sometimes and I gotta say, if I'm home alone, I like to take that opportunity to maybe spend an evening alone with a lovely young lady that I am dating.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, how about if there's no lady.

[Rob Hollis]

There, then I'm jerking it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, there we go. That's what we need. You.

[Rob Hollis]

I jerk it from that back. I jerk it from that side. I like to get a mirror, you know what I'm saying? Put that mirror on the floor. I like to get creative.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, slow down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've overcorrected. You've overcorrected.

[Rob Hollis]

I like to take all the security cameras in the house and put them in a circle, you know what I'm saying? Just so I can really make sure.

[Jake Johnson]

The idea, the idea of you setting up with mirrors is incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like the end to Enter the Dragon, but with masturbating.

[Nicole]

You're laughing. I'm out here taking notes though, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for that. So, Emma, So here's where we're at. So you let that, you let that week go. It's a tough situation. It is very embarrassing. When you said the way that I want, what does that actually mean? Like when you said.

[Nicole]

What do you mean?

[Jake Johnson]

You said you had the living room to yourself. I want to know how embarrassing this gets before we start figuring out if there's a move. I mean, are you just like quietly masturbating under a blanket on a couch or how are you Lamorne Morris in it? Do you have mirrors set up? Are you getting weird? Where are we at here?

[Rob Hollis]

That's right.

[Nicole]

Oh, man. We're talking like exhibitionist, full volume, problematic types of videos, just everything that you could possibly imagine.

[Rob Hollis]

A past video.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you give us a feel of what's problematic?

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah. What's your search history looking like?

[Nicole]

Oh, just, you know, power dynamic kind of things.

[Jake Johnson]

Emma, I'm with you on power dynamic. So I knew you would be fake. The question comes when you finished this week. Right. And you. So you. I'm going to just try to put myself in your situation here. You're house sitting, you're fired up. What a great week. You masturbate like crazy. You had yourself what, you know, like a little staycation, if you will. Then you see the camera and you know, if this is serious, which is what we're taking it as, that's a fucking living nightmare. If I. If I had friends who saw me masturbate for a week, I would be so deeply embarrassed and I would have you guys play this as real. Play. This is real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is the worst.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a deep shit.

[Nicole]

I am telling you. I have never been closer to jumping out of a way. I really like the panic. Just like you have to just not be here anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

So this is the worst thing that could have happened.

[Jake Johnson]

So when it ended and that you. They come back and get the keys, there's no turnover, you didn't have to see them?

[Nicole]

Nope, nope. I left it under a trash can and that was it. I just never spoke to them again and haven't heard anything either.

[Jake Johnson]

So do you have a mutual friend who you trust like a buddy? Because I think what we need to get to here in terms of your extended group and just a life of living with a certain level of embarrassment and shame. I think we gotta know if they saw it because there is a reality of they have a pet cam, but they don't watch it. Right. Like, I had a buddy of mine is a house sitter and he was house sitting for another friend. And you could see in the video what that person's doing. And my friend said, like, you know. You know, because a light would go on in movement. Okay, so we gotta just figure out, like, some people have these, like, a ring camera, and they're not even set up anymore. So do you have a trusted third friend, Lamorne Morris, if you will, that you could go to. To kind of, you know, bridge the situation? Do you have anybody near them that you trust?

[Nicole]

Possibly, but would I have to tell them the story?

[Jake Johnson]

What you could do in this situation is you could ask them if they ever said anything about the house sitting. You could say, like, you really enjoyed it, blah, blah, blah. Go ahead, Lamar.

[Rob Hollis]

Or you could say you lost something. You could say. Is there any way you could check the cameras? Unless I. I can't seem to find my credit card.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know it.

[Jake Johnson]

You can't do that. Because if they didn't watch the videos.

[Rob Hollis]

No, no, no, no, no, no. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake. I got news for you. These cameras, they record sometimes 60 days. That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yes. Sometimes less.

[Rob Hollis]

Sometimes less, sometimes less. They can't have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For. It would be. It would be interesting if you were like, I left my rings. And they were like, did you check your vagina? Because we checked the tape, and it feels like that's where most of your fingers were.

[Jake Johnson]

It would also be a nightmare if you. If you said, hey, will you check the tapes? And they go, we haven't watched them. And then they sit and watch and go, yeah, she asked us to watch her masturbate for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So we don't know where your wallet is, but we know where it isn't.

[Nicole]

That feels like its own exhibitionist kind of a thing. I don't know if I can do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth, what you got?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think that first of all, do you know what kind of camera it was? Have you done any research into kind of the like. Okay, so what kind of camera was it? And what do you know as far as the time that it holds onto a recording and how you know if it's recording?

[Nicole]

Okay, it's been months ago, so let me tell you. I did block out a lot of this for trauma reasons, but sure, I do remember I Googled the type of camera that it was, and I was excited that it was not plugged in, but then I found out it was a wireless camera and had a second panic attack.

[Jake Johnson]

Emma, do you remember the name of the brand?

[Nicole]

Oh, I think it was called Pet Cam, but it was something very similar to that name, like A play on word.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Okay, I got.

[Rob Hollis]

Hey, hey, listen to me.

[Nicole]

It looks like a little apple charger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a little box.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Lamorne, you're kind of going, it wasn't plugged in. You're kind of going with, but plugged in doesn't necessarily matter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Rob Hollis]

Unless it had a battery. If it wasn't plugged into a wall, there's no power source.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it means at some point it probably stopped recording if it was. But I'm just curious. Yeah, I could very easily be on battery when they left.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm going to kind of go towards the advice mode here for this call. And Emma, as we've said before, the advice is not necessarily good, but we're trying to be on your side. We're trying to help figure it out. And you know, the truth is, getting caught potentially masturbating for a week straight is a humiliating life experience. But they have not brought. So I personally, if I were you, I wouldn't do the third party thing. I was saying I would bury this in the deep graveyard of secrets and move forward. I would never bring it up. I would just keep this as one of those life shameful moments. And hopefully one day in years you're drinking with them or you're at an event and you could hint at it and hopefully either you get the truth or just bury this one and move on.

[Nicole]

You know, that was. That was going to be my plan until your podcast, Lamour and Gareth, you.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys got any thoughts on what you would do if you were Emma?

[Rob Hollis]

You know, I would look them square in the eye and I would use keywords to see if they flinched.

[Jake Johnson]

Give me an example. Pretend them that you're at a wedding. Yeah, you house that for me. You're Lamorne, I'm Jake. You masturbated for a week straight. You saw there's a camera. We see each other in four months out of a wedding of a friend. What's up, Lamore?

[Rob Hollis]

Back of my mind knowing that I shot all over your sheets. Okay, cool. So, Jay Johnson, what's going on, man?

[Jake Johnson]

Not much, my man. How about you, bud?

[Rob Hollis]

Man, me and my girl, we got. We got into it yesterday. You know, it's crazy. It was a very interesting power dynamic that we had.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's cool, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you. Did you get any of that shrimp cocktail? That was good. I had like two cups of it.

[Rob Hollis]

Oh, man. You know, one thing that I do love is shrimp cocktail when it's. When I'm eating it.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you okay?

[Rob Hollis]

I'm good, man. I'm good. Say, Jake, real quick question, but while I got you here, because it's rare that we see each other, has there ever. Do you ever get chance to be alone? You know what I'm saying? When the old ball.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna take off. Lamorne, you're acting really weird, and I don't apprec. Appreciate this vibe at a wedding of a close friend of ours.

[Rob Hollis]

My man. That's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, I do jerk off at my house, man, and I don't find that appropriate. No, no.

[Nicole]

That was a great demonstration. I so appreciate the whole plate. Thank you, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Garfield. You got it. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, first of all, what a great power dynamic. I'm a little turned up, so I get it.

[Nicole]

You and me both.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what I'll say. I think Jake. I think Jake's advice is right. I think Lamorn, you know, if you want. If you want to know, then something like that is the way to go. But I think Jake's right. In order to know, you gotta inform them more. And I just think that's probably right. And I'm just gonna tell you, my gut. My gut is that they didn't see it. I don't think they saw it. The only thing that bothers me is that you haven't spoken to them in so long. So it might be worth floating out a text for some reason just to not even find out. Just to kind of like be clear. We're moving forward. Maybe you saw me diddling for a week, maybe you didn't, but either way, I have now realized that we are moving past. We live in a different world. We live in a post. Me doing this world. And. And let's just move forward.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Gareth, could that text be about the pets?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't. I think if it was like a week ago. I think if it was a week ago, yes. But I think that it's been months. I feel like it should be something else. Otherwise, I feel like you're kind of still living in it a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamar, go ahead. You're pointing a finger, Lamorn. Go ahead.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah, but I also. I also want. I want you to be really, really careful here, because we are walking a very, very dangerous line. Okay. We don't want to. We don't want to kink shame anybody, because everybody does it. Everybody does it. It's almost like you went to take a. And realized you left the door open and there was a camera pointing. You know, it's just natural. What you're doing is.

[Nicole]

Yeah. Great analogy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's natural when you're talking like this. Why has your voice changed?

[Rob Hollis]

Because honestly, I'm a scientist and professor of love logic and also labius. So I'm here.

[Jake Johnson]

But here's what's different. No, this is we all masturbate. We don't all masturbate in other people's homes while their pets. I do.

[Rob Hollis]

I have just admitted to it. Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm talking hotels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've house sat and whacked it in there with the cat sitting next to me. What are you going to do?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, gross. I've got a question, Emma. In terms of the email reach out, did you bond with any of their pets?

[Nicole]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

What kind of pets do they have?

[Nicole]

I know it's going to be ironic, but a cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you connected with the cab a little bit?

[Nicole]

Oh, very much so, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I would personally go a little bit different than Gareth and something and I would write something like, you know, hey, guys, just thinking it. What's the cat's name?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm hoping you're changing the cat's name too. I don't, I don't. We don't want to.

[Nicole]

I did not, I did not.

[Rob Hollis]

Gertrude. It's Gertrude.

[Nicole]

That's the real name.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so could you possibly write something of. And is this weird to say something like, hey, hope you guys are good, had a funny memory of what a great cat. And if they do not write back, that means you are an enormous character in their discussion of the girl who masturbated in front of non stop. And you're a huge character. If they write back like, aww, you're the best, then they didn't watch it is my guess. Okay, guys, what do people think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, here's why this is a tough one.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a hard one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's say, let's say you hit their car in the driveway and you're wondering for a while, do they know I hit their car? I don't think being like, how's the car driving? I think get away from this area of thinking as much as possible because let's say they did. Let's say they did. Then you're going like, hey, let's circle back on when I, you know, played with myself all week in your house. I think you go with something more like, I don't know, I don't know the specifics of the relationship, but something if you can think of some other reason, it's just saying, hey, we no longer we, we, we don't do this anymore. And the way you can find out maybe is if they ever ask you to do it again. If they ever ask you to do it again, you're in the clear. Or.

[Jake Johnson]

Or they're perverts. Yeah. Or they're pervert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They like that power dynamic because they.

[Jake Johnson]

Might say, hey, do you want. We. We're going to take our cat with us this time. We're going to set up some more pet pet camps. Do you mind house sitting for just the night?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we watch you house sit tonight?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emma, I got a question for you.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you kind of want to do here? Because, you know, what we've kind of found is people who call in have their instinct and how they want to handle it. What's your gut telling you to do?

[Nicole]

My gut was telling me to do the same thing that you suggested, Jake. I was just going to bury this and pretend like it never happened. Like, really push it back in my memory. I did tell one of my friends and I said, listen, I'm going to tell you a story and then we're never going to talk about it again.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Nicole]

So that was sort of how I preface the story to anybody. So honestly, I was going to do that. That's sort of what I'm feeling is right. But I do like the idea to send a text, maybe unrelated.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, I've got a question. Is this out of character for you and your friend group?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, I'll be honest. If Lamorne stayed at my house and he masturbated every day, truthfully, all bits aside, that would be out of character and it would warrant a talk. Now, if he masturbated in the shower or, you know, outside of public. But if I can't.

[Rob Hollis]

Location.

[Jake Johnson]

But if I looked at a video, I was like, watching my dogs in the living room and he's watching porn with his pants, I would go, hey, Lamorne, what's up, my man? Like, but there are other friends. Maybe Gareth is one of them that I would be less surprised by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. I live in rarefied error.

[Jake Johnson]

If they. If the Garf man was standing on my dining room table with no bottoms on, I would go like, hey, man, that's right. Don't break anything, my friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So stop so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop dancing while you do it. Just finish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Why do you lose your balance when you end?

[Jake Johnson]

And why do you. Why do you giggle so much?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's so funny about that? It's been going on for a long time.

[Jake Johnson]

In your group of friends. If the story circulated that this happened, would everybody kind of laugh or Would it be shocking?

[Nicole]

Shocking? I am the professional put together one out of the group. I'm the one that the answers. I'm the one that is probably looked at as like a mom figure. So this is very out of character.

[Rob Hollis]

What do you do for a living?

[Nicole]

I would love to tell you that because you are going to love that, but I'm not going to tell you on air.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you give us a. Without any specifics. Tell us or you're a free teacher.

[Nicole]

Definitely. In the same vein of this conversation.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you got two paths forward. I think it's in either bury it. But I got to say, as we're talking and getting to know you a little bit, I don't think burying it's the move. I think that you got to sniff around and see if there's a bomb in these woods a little bit. I think you got to do the random text and just start a dialogue and see if there's any smoke. If the. The way le born and I did that terrible example of the wedding, I think there's something to that. Okay, what do you guys think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, either way, opening it up, kind of clearing the air in whatever way, or even if you don't have to, clearing the air and just starting to see the vibe. I bet. I bet you'll be able to tell a little bit of what's going on.

[Nicole]

You never know with women. They're good at hiding things.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, for sure.

[Rob Hollis]

I think you come out of the closet with this one. I think you let every. I think you let everybody know you a freak. Let everybody know you like to get busy.

[Jake Johnson]

But Lamorin, how would she do that? If you were her, how would you.

[Nicole]

Do that, like, to your group of friends? How do you come out that way?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Rob Hollis]

Accidentally. Accidentally send a video of yourself that you, you know, when you were in the office alone and say, late night sesh with myself. You know what I'm saying? And then be like, oh, my bad, you guys. Does this. Does this confuse you? You know, we gotta be more open, man.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say. Hold on. We've done a lot of these so far. That's probably the worst advice we've ever heard, my man.

[Rob Hollis]

No, no, no, it's not. It's not. You know, it's like when.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, hey, late night sesh. You know what? Saying, because what's going to happen got away from me. Everybody.

[Rob Hollis]

What's going to happen is they're now going to expect this from you. And, you know, and your secret of, like, loving to masturbate in Front of people's cats, in their homes, on their furniture, on. In their. In the refrigerator.

[Jake Johnson]

Mute this man, Kevin. Mute this man. Gareth, in closing. You got anything in closing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, there's some options. I'm curious exactly what path you'll take. I mean, you basically said it, but I just want to again be clear. I have house sat. I have masturbated on the couch where they hang out. I've done it with the animals adjacent. So as far as you ever going there should. You should feel. You should not feel bad about what you did. When I have people come to my house and I can take care of my cat, I know they're definitely doing strange stuff in the places where I hang out.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I just realized? I think I might want to start a business. And it's called We House it. And we don't masturbate in your house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Apparently, I'm going to master sitters.

[Jake Johnson]

But if you have. If you have pets and you need someone to house it, I don't want people masturbating on my couch. I don't want people using it as a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not going to.

[Jake Johnson]

As a one person orgy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm doing. I'm doing one that's called Pet Star Baiters. And actually we lean in and we promise. Our guarantee is that we are going to be playing with ourselves around your animals just like you would. Just like anybody would.

[Rob Hollis]

It's gross.

[Jake Johnson]

Gross.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I'll see you on Shark Tank, Emma.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love to see. I got to tell you, Barbara from Shark Tank would go, now that's a good idea. I am a real estate mogul and I always masturbate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mr. Wonderful. I'd love for you. I'd love for you and Barbara to partner up. That was kind of my dream pairing.

[Jake Johnson]

Mark Cuban. I always masturbate. I masturbate in Dallas in the locker rooms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We actually have a Jack shack in the Mavericks locker room.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emma, I would say my what I want to push you towards, but. But I keep going back and forth. My feeling is maybe there's a random email, but I also feel like you're asking for trouble. You masturbated in her house for a week straight. You had a lot of fun. Nothing has come of it. You have not heard.

[Rob Hollis]

She did.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, God bless you. You have not heard from that group of friends. There's not chatter, there's no smoke. I think you got to swallow this grenade and just kind of move forward.

[Nicole]

All right, I think that's pretty, pretty solid advice because if they do know the connection.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Lamore and Gareth. You got anything else in closing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I think that's right. I. I think, I think, I think reach out. Let's clear the air. But I'm curious what's going on with.

[Jake Johnson]

Lamort Lamorn in closing. You got any final advice?

[Rob Hollis]

Don't be ashamed who you are, you know, you're a freak. You know, I. I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed. I got a lot of straight to camera roll videos out there.

[Jake Johnson]

What does that mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you want to plug any of those?

[Rob Hollis]

I'm a poor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look out for my hidden folder in my iPhone. Shout out to.

[Jake Johnson]

Shout out to my hidden folder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shout out to the dog pics folder on my phone.

[Nicole]

Here's to the hidden folder.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emma, at the end here, we always like to ask, what do you think that you're going to actually do?

[Nicole]

I think that I am going to bury this in my trauma memories and pretend it never happened and send a text to reach out just to see if they're going to pretend everything's okay too.

[Jake Johnson]

That makes a lot of sense. All right, well, I want to say thank you for calling in. I also want to say thank you to the always charming, the always handsome, the freak in the sheets and the freak on the streets, Mr. Lamorne Morris. Damn.

[Rob Hollis]

God damn. Hold on. Give me a second.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Rob Hollis]

Make sure these cameras are.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye everybody. Thanks. 2025 is here and Mint Mobile has a resolution for you. Skip the gym, skip the fad diets, skip the BS resolutions you'll forget about by next month. Instead, make a resolution to save some serious cash by making the switch to Mint Mobile. And right now you can get half off their three month unlimited plan. It's time to leave your overpriced wireless plans jaw dropping monthly bills, unexpected overages and all their other BS in 2024. You can even bring your current phone and your number. You do not have to switch numbers, which I know a lot of people think about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Switch to Mint Mobile and customers can get half off the unlimited plan to get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door free. Go to mint mobile.com heretohelp that's mintmobile.com heretohelp. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to 15 dol a month. New customers on first 3 month plan only. Speed slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. CMIT mobile for details Today's episode is.

[Jake Johnson]

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[Jake Johnson]

This episode is sponsored by Hungry Root. Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionist all wrapped into one. They take care of the weekly grocery shopping, recommended healthy groceries and meals tailored to your taste, nutritional preferences and health goals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

You're going to love Hung Root as much as I do, so take advantage of this exclusive offer for a limited time. Get 40% off your first box plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com heretohelp to use code hereto help that's hungryroot.com hereto help code here to help to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your Choice for Life. Hungryroot.com hereto help code here to help Bye. Hi there, how are you? Welcome to the podcast. We are going to help you whether you like it or not. And can we just start by getting your name real or fake, your age roughly and where you're calling from specifically.

[Lamorne Morris]

So I'm Nicole I'm 29 and I'm from San Diego, but my husband and I are actually on our way to moving to Boise today. So we're kind of.

[Jake Johnson]

Right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I lived there for. I had a Weird Year in Boise. That's another podcast. Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Weird Year in Boise from Gareth Reynolds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Are you. Because I feel like it's not going to do great.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm excited about Weird Year in Boise.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As you know, it was pretty weird. All right, Nicole, so what. What can we help you with today?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, so this weekend on Saturday, my little sister is getting married, and my older sister and I are the maid of honors. And we've been the maid of honors for all of our, you know, weddings. Like, both of us, you know, both sisters and everything. And we're kind of getting a little stumped on what we should do for speech, because our speeches for each other have been pretty creative, but we don't want to do the same thing. Like, for my older sister's wedding, my little sister and I did like a song parody. And then for my wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What. Can we just ask, what. What. What parody song you did?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, yeah, it was Part of youf World from the Little Mermaid.

[Jake Johnson]

Nicole, can we hear a little bit about it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just a taste.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, gosh. We want to see all the people right now. We want to see them on the dance floor. I can't remember the words.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, that was something. We got a taste of it. We got a sense of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be honest, I think it's a pretty low bar if I'm being totally with you. So I think we could. I think we could beat this.

[Lamorne Morris]

So then for my wedding, you know, they started to play music. They asked the DJ to play music. So I thought they were going to do a song parody. And then they had a record scratch kind of, and they're like, no, we're not going to be doing that because Nicole's the creative one. So I do feel like there is a little bit of pressure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did they do after the record scratch instead?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, they just said like a regular, you know, just a speech and, you know, saying how, like, you know, interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stuff about interesting set up and punch. I'm not gonna lie. I. They were probably great at the event, but for Jake and I, I mean, we feel pretty good about being able to beat this.

[Jake Johnson]

I kind of agree, Gareth. I kind of agree. So just to kind of get where we're at, your sisters did you guys did a song parody of Little Mermaid. It worked pretty well. Your other sisters for you did a record scratch and then just a traditional speech. Is that correct?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah. And so right now, we kind of have an idea, like, kind of doing, like, a bit. So, like, we want to. I don't know if you've watched the Office or anything, but there's this one scene at Phyllis's wedding where Michael Scott would intro, like, four different wedding speeches. And so we were thinking of, like, kind of bickering, being like, oh, no, this should be the intro of the speech. Or this should be the intro, like, and then just being like, you know what? We're actually just really bad at speeches. So let's bring out, like, here's a video of someone helping us out. And kind of like, the tag piece of it would be trying to find, like, a celebrity that they like. So I know that they have cameo where you can pay an actor to, you know, make a little video. Unfortunately, though, when we're trying to get information from her and her fiance, the characters that they really liked weren't on cameo.

[Rob Hollis]

Huh.

[Lamorne Morris]

So now we're kind of stumped, and we just. We don't know if that, like, would be, like, a good bit, like us trying to intro stuff like that and then, like, bringing in someone else to kind of close the speech. But I'm just. We're not sure if that's gonna land.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I like that. I think. I. I think there's something to that. The idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Who are the characters they like? Who are the characters they like?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a good question.

[Lamorne Morris]

So they're big fans of New Girl in Brooklyn, Nine9, and the Office.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so interesting because we have two people who new Girl, Brian and Nick are on the. The G. Damn call right now. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

So the idea that you were thinking, Nicole, was that maybe you would set up something where you're trying to do the speech. It's not working. You're introducing others. Hopefully, you're getting mom and dad and some uncles and aunts to laugh at this bit. And then at a certain point, you want to go, you know what? Here's the real speech. And you would play a video that you would have a cameo of somebody from New Girl or Brooklyn Nine Nine or the Office kind of come on and say what to your sister.

[Lamorne Morris]

Just like a congratulations and then, like a piece of, like, marital advice. And it could be. Yeah, so just anything that they would think is, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

And then what's your name?

[Rob Hollis]

Funny.

[Jake Johnson]

But also Nicole. What's your sister's name?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the husband.

[Lamorne Morris]

Her name is Natalie.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie.

[Lamorne Morris]

And then my. Well, my future brother in law is. His name is Jeremy.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeremy. You know what I think we're gonna do, Nicole?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think we can do this?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, we're gonna. What do you say we do the video right now for Natalie and Jeremy, and maybe you'll be part of it too. But we have a real surprise guest that our producer put together on this one. We would like to add another person to the call. The great Mr. Lamorne Morris.

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, my gosh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, man, you can't see this, but Lamorne is laying on his side in some sort of a camp.

[Rob Hollis]

What y'all niggas talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Lamorne, here's where we're at. We're about to make a wedding speech.

[Rob Hollis]

Good morning, Jake. First and foremost, I just want to say good morning, everybody. Everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Good morning.

[Jake Johnson]

Good morning, man. Thank you.

[Rob Hollis]

How y'all sleep?

[Jake Johnson]

Good, Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Been up for a while, but. But good.

[Rob Hollis]

What time is it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's definitely like wake up time. Close to.

[Rob Hollis]

Oh, damn.

[Jake Johnson]

Just a true idiot. Where did you get that? For your head.

[Rob Hollis]

You mean my. My OVO Durag. Drake gave it to me. Drake gave me this.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, incredible.

[Rob Hollis]

Are you talking about this brown lightning shirt? Yeah, that's available now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

I was talking about these we're here to help hats that are available now.

[Rob Hollis]

Oh, okay. Oh, okay. My bad. Who on the phone?

[Jake Johnson]

Nicole, will you introduce yourself and say a little something to Lamorne Morris?

[Lamorne Morris]

So I'm Nicole and this is awesome. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe that you're here because what's really funny is that my brother, my future brother in law is also a cop. So.

[Rob Hollis]

Very nice, Very nice.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's something we could kind of chime in. And what does. What does Natalie do for work?

[Lamorne Morris]

The thing is, so she's like super smart and everything, and I don't really know what her job title is. I think she's like an environmental, like, biologist. Like, she goes out in the field and tell people which plants and stuff are endangered. But also she takes pictures of islands and. And dots, birds. And.

[Jake Johnson]

Tell me this. What are. What are a few things you like about Natalie and Jeremy? What does the family like about this pairing?

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, we really like, I don't know, they seem very well, like, linked together. Like, they make sense. They both are serious, but also kind of match each other's silliness level in a way. And. Well, so their wedding is also going to be in a church. So they both, like, met. Where they met was at Like FCA meeting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did they meet at?

[Lamorne Morris]

The Christian Fellow Christian Athletes meeting in college. So they went.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you just give us an acronym and think that these three individuals would know what that meant?

[Jake Johnson]

But then also, she didn't know it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Then she's like, you know, it's where Christian athletes go to mingle. It's like a draft for Christian athletes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so they're both athletes. They like that. They're kind of serious, and they're a little bit silly. He's a cop.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Rob Hollis]

Like a detective or. He wear a uniform? Does he get to, like, do the gang unit? Because I'll take this durag off.

[Lamorne Morris]

He wears a uniform. I know he has a police dog that he just got and.

[Jake Johnson]

Police dog.

[Lamorne Morris]

The dog's name is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Lamorne Morris]

Axel.

[Jake Johnson]

Ax.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course.

[Jake Johnson]

All kinds. And they run named Axel since.

[Lamorne Morris]

Well, what's funny is his favorite movie is Rush Hour, and I guess he tried to rename the dog Carter.

[Jake Johnson]

And they're like, you can't do that with Jackie Chan.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Kevin. Bring him on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not gonna believe this.

[Jake Johnson]

Jackie Chan. Come on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's in the bathtub.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Oh, his reception. He's in the bathtub. He just texted us. We're gonna go with just us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so I will say this now to Lamorne and Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do.

[Jake Johnson]

Do we feel like we need more, or are we ready? Because we're gonna send them this video, and hopefully they're gonna play it at their wedding. And I will say it's a big deal, guys. It's their wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the Closer, too. So this is like, you're gonna have given your speech, and then you're gonna bring us in for the closer, basically, right, Nicole?

[Lamorne Morris]

100%.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So do we need more info? What she said before you got on LE Moran was, you know, just congratulate them. Then a little bit of advice we could go around and give about marriage. Is there anything we need besides them, or shall we.

[Rob Hollis]

Give me a key. Give me a key. I might break into song. I don't know if I'm going to. But if I get a key from her. Something that symbolizes your family.

[Jake Johnson]

That's as weird of a question as you could have asked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great question.

[Rob Hollis]

A above middle C. I mean, how you want to do it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nicole, do you have a range?

[Lamorne Morris]

I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. What I like about that question is we've already. They've done music, but this is a nice.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a nice meeting of Little Mermaid. You got to sing Lamorne A little bit of that song parody. So he knows that. He knows the Little Mermaid.

[Rob Hollis]

I know. I want to be where the people are.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay? So I do remember a little. I do remember a little bit of it. So it's that. So what? We were singing part of it. We want to be on the dance floor right now. We want to see. Want to see everyone dancing. Dancing along to that. What's that song again? Oh, yeah. Electric Slide.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, okay, okay, Listen again. I like Our chance. This is a good closer. So you feel. You guys feel good? Should we just. How do you. Jake, just rehearsal. Do you want to.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we got to just shoot live. We're doing it live.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

O'Reilly it. Let's O'Reilly.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so then on this video, to start, Nicole, how are you gonna intro it so literally.

[Lamorne Morris]

So after we're done, like, my older sister and I are done bickering, we're gonna be like, you know what? We're just really bad at speeches, so we brought in some people to help us with this speech.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And, Nicole, just so I know what I'm working with, people probably aren't going to freak out when they see me, right? It's probably just so.

[Jake Johnson]

Security guard Bryant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, thank. That's all I needed. Jake, let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go. Hey, Gareth. Don't forget who you are. My king.

[Rob Hollis]

Right? I directed you. I know what you're capable of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talk about a pep talk.

[Jake Johnson]

I will say, Lamorne, you're getting. And I have known you for a lot of years. Right now you're getting dangerously close to your Denzel impression.

[Rob Hollis]

What do you. I have no idea what you're talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

It started early with your. Okay, okay. And it might be the durag.

[Rob Hollis]

It might. This is chess, not checkers. You understand what I'm telling you?

[Jake Johnson]

Once I saw that on your head, I was like, I know how this is going to start. We're going to say, Natalie and Jeremy. Congrats. And I want to hear. Okay, okay. All right, so we got a. We got us. We're going to see what we can do, everybody. And Jeremy, Natalie and Jeremy, from your sister Nicole and. What's the other sister's name?

[Lamorne Morris]

Nancy.

[Jake Johnson]

Nancy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't think we didn't pick up on what's going on here with these names, okay?

[Rob Hollis]

They're all girl names.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're all names. A lady. Thank you very much.

[Jake Johnson]

What's really sad, Gareth, is when you said, don't say we haven't picked this up. I had to look at my notes because I had not picked it up. It was a crossword puzzle that got on top of me. I was like, nicole, Nancy, beautiful mind. Beautiful Natalie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah, right. We're in your mind palace.

[Jake Johnson]

Girls names. And I was like, all girls names.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gotcha.

[Jake Johnson]

Gotcha. Yes. Victory. All right, let's do this. 3, 2, 1. Congratulations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way to go.

[Jake Johnson]

We are fired up for Natalie and Jeremy. How about a round of applause from everybody here? Everybody here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Natalie, who digs in the soil and takes pictures of islands, and Jeremy, the cop who's got a dog named Axel.

[Jake Johnson]

You took all the info, you little snake. We just want to say that your sister Nicole asked us to come on and say a little something, because for her wedding, when you guys did the record scratch and then just talked, she just didn't think it was enough. Am I right or wrong, Lamorne?

[Rob Hollis]

Absolutely right. You know, she tried some things. She wanted some things to run past us. One of her ideas was she was gonna run in and say, what up? My n words like Natalie, Nicole, Nancy. But she was like, guys, is that a good idea? I asked my durag, and it said nah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I want to apologize to Natalie and Jeremy and the entire family. We want to say congratulations.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Three stars of New Girl. We know you're a fan of our show.

[Rob Hollis]

Three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's right. And all three of us here probably starstruck. Everybody's a little starstruck.

[Jake Johnson]

And then last, we want to go around, and we want to each offer one piece of advice to the newlyweds, the couple that everybody in the family is excited about. Jeremy, this side of the family likes you a lot. Nicole made that very clear. So, Garf, man, you want to start? How about some marital advice to the new couple on day one of their married life?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, I'm in my 40s, and I have a cat. That's the level of commitment I have. So I can't offer up much. But in my relationships, I've noticed that saying you're sorry when you don't mean it seems to go a long way. So don't be afraid to just toss out a sorry every now and then. Just seems to work. Again, litter is my main issue.

[Jake Johnson]

Mr. Lamorne Morris.

[Rob Hollis]

Anything Now, I've been married, I want to say, 10 times all successful marriages. And the one thing that I learned that you got to do to keep that thing spicy in the bedroom is don't brush your teeth. So if you don't brush your teeth, you Know what a real love is? If they're willing to go mouth to mouth with you with them dirty ass teeth, then you know you got yourself a winner and you'll stay together forever and last.

[Jake Johnson]

I would like to say the old saying is don't go to bed angry. I think that's incorrect. I think it is okay to go to bed angry sometimes. Don't take it out on each other. So if you need to, Jeremy, sleep on the couch for a couple of nights. But it's all right. Go to bed early, start over fresh. In the morning when the tequila has gone down and you've sobered up, you don't have to resolve everything right away.

[Rob Hollis]

Or sleep at a hotel or sleep in a hotel.

[Jake Johnson]

And before we go, we've got a special guest. If everybody could close their eyes for a moment. Mr. Denzel Washington. You mind taking us out with a couple of lines before we let these people enjoy their lives together?

[Rob Hollis]

Ha ha ha. Natalie and Jeremy, it's important that you listen to these following words, okay? You must, and I repeat, you must stay together no matter the weather, no matter the color of the sweater. Because sometimes you might not like what he's putting on, okay? He goes outside and he embarrasses you. But you too, you too can be an embarrassment. So stay in embarrassment with each other, huh? No matter the summer, even if the Temperature is above 101, you must find the fun. Find the sun. I repeat, find the sun. You have to. I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

We all love you guys. Have a great life together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Under the sea.

[Jake Johnson]

How was that?

[Rob Hollis]

They're not gonna last.

[Lamorne Morris]

I wasn't sure if it was still recording or not. No, that was great. Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, all right, let's record one and get it.

[Jake Johnson]

Nicole, do you think you're going to play that at the wedding? You can be honest.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'll have to run it by my older sister, Nancy.

[Jake Johnson]

We gotta.

[Lamorne Morris]

We gotta agree on it.

[Jake Johnson]

But what. What do you feel? What do you feel?

[Lamorne Morris]

I think.

[Jake Johnson]

So how do you think it's gonna go over with your group?

[Lamorne Morris]

So. Good question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I be honest? Your ambivalence is troubling. I gotta tell you. We've all been in the business for a while, and when you're getting picked up to series or you're not agree getting a green light, it's tough. I did not think the wedding was going to pass on our pilot.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we're getting to the bottom of it, Nicole. So what are you feeling?

[Rob Hollis]

Where beep out the swear words.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you Feeling. This is a church group, right? They're athletes. So, yes, they're getting.

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes, they're getting married in a church. And we do have older family members that are going to be at the wedding.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, sure. How about this? Let's try a. Let's try a second option. We are here to help. Guys, guys, I'm going to tell you this.

[Rob Hollis]

I missed the church part.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth Lamorne, remember the premise of this show. We are on Nicole's team. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, it's true. It's just think about when we were all doing New Girl. You know, I don't think we got this many notes on set, but you.

[Jake Johnson]

Weren'T there a lot. You weren't there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We did. I was there. I was on set. I've been on set of New Girl being paid, so I don't know what.

[Jake Johnson]

Here we go. We're gonna try again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole thing.

[Jake Johnson]

The goal of this, all right, is we're gonna do it in 30 seconds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right? Okay.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is worse. This is harder. No wonder I'm not a cameo. This is brutal.

[Jake Johnson]

In three, two, one. Hey. Congratulations to Natalie and Jeremy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, you guys really did it. It happened. If you're seeing this, you did say, I do, so. It's a fish.

[Jake Johnson]

We're very excited for you, Lamorne. What do you think?

[Rob Hollis]

You know, I think it's a very special occasion. It's a holy union. I want to give some advice if that's possible, please, you know, because I've been married so many times. Still am. Well, married to the game, baby. But, you know, if I were you guys, I would sleep as much as possible. Because when you sleep, you have that right mind for your partner. Okay? You stay sharp, you stay solid, you stay in love forever.

[Jake Johnson]

So we just want to say to Natalie and Jeremy, we are excited for you. Congratulations. Garf, I know you got a little advice? Shoot it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I just wanted to point out I was also on New Girl, but I don't want to make it about me. I'm a 40 year old man. 43 year old man with a cat. That's my longest relationship. God bless. This is going to go great.

[Jake Johnson]

And last before last, before we leave. Denzel, you got anything?

[Rob Hollis]

The game of marriage is chess, not checkers. You understand what I'm telling you? It's chess, not checkers. Make your next move, your best move. You understand what I'm telling you?

[Jake Johnson]

Congratulations. You guys were really happy for you. What the fuck, Nicole? That was pretty good. Come on, Nicole, what do you think of that one.

[Lamorne Morris]

That one was good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do this voice thing where it gets higher. I'm in bed, Nicole. We're not buying it, Nicole. In our heads, when we heard what was about to happen, we were like, man, Nicole's gonna be so thankful. I feel like I am thankful. Well, is it good?

[Jake Johnson]

Where are you at, Nicole?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no. Here's what I need now. Here's what I. Now, Nicole, here's what we need. We need notes. What would you like this fucking speech to be? God damn it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I liked a lot of aspects of both speeches.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, talk to us. Talk to us. So if we did a third, what would you want?

[Lamorne Morris]

Probably, I don't know. It all was really good. It's just. Remember that it's going to be at a church. At a church with elderly. Well, not elderly, but elderly.

[Jake Johnson]

Give me this, Nicole. Give me this. Give me this. Walk us through what you would like for the gamemanship of it all. We start off with an intro, right? Hellos, hellos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's just do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is why we're here. Right.

[Lamorne Morris]

What I really liked about the first one was just the hype that you had at the beginning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you like up top hype. Order at a restaurant. Okay. Up top hype.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And then we transition into.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

The advice. You know, advice that you would. That you would be okay saying in a church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Rob Hollis]

Oh, church advice. Church advice.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And then in closing, just a closing prayer. No, thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Pastor Washington, you don't have to.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so we got. We got an intro, we got some hype, we got some advice, and then we've got a well wishes. Would you be happy with that?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yeah, 100%.

[Jake Johnson]

And in terms of length, where are you thinking?

[Lamorne Morris]

Oh, whatever you're comfortable with, Nicole.

[Jake Johnson]

You the boss, baby.

[Lamorne Morris]

It doesn't have.

[Jake Johnson]

You ain't bossy. You're the boss.

[Lamorne Morris]

Okay, I feel like I'm already asking a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So do I. Jake is the only one.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm not someone who asks a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm tired.

[Rob Hollis]

Hey, one shot on Cameo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This is your time to ask a lot. This is your time to ask a lot. That's why we're here. God damn it. We're here to help, okay? We're doing this ridiculous.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get your. God damn. It's out now, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, here's what's gonna happen. God damn it. If we gave her A or B, she's gonna go. I was on a fun podcast. I want this thing playing at the wedding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get your cussing out, you little sinner.

[Jake Johnson]

She's giving me notes. Up and down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Out. Let it rip, Jake. There you go. There you go. All right. And we're back. All right, Nicole. I feel good about that. That's Jake.

[Rob Hollis]

Got that out.

[Jake Johnson]

In three, two, one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. USA.

[Rob Hollis]

Caught. Those are the angels. We in church.

[Jake Johnson]

We're trying again. That was a fail. 4 in 3, 3 in 2. In 1. Hey. Hey. Natalie and Jeremy, congratulations on getting married.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nuptials.

[Jake Johnson]

What a win for you two. And this is brought to you by your sister Nicole, who wants you guys to have a really weird moment at your wedding. And we're gonna help provide it.

[Rob Hollis]

Exactly. We want you guys to. We want you guys to think about all the love making that's gonna happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Happen.

[Rob Hollis]

Be fruitful and multiply.

[Jake Johnson]

Said the Bible for procreation. No. We're starting over. In three. In two. In one. Natalie and Jeremy got married.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hallelujah.

[Rob Hollis]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

We're not going. Hallelujah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

2.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank.

[Rob Hollis]

It's not a black church.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Natalie and Jeremy's a white church.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In three.

[Jake Johnson]

In two, in one. And Jeremy. Congratulations, guys. Your sister Nicole asked us to be part of this speech. And we are honored to be here. Are we not, gentlemen?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, completely. Yeah. That's great. What a lovely service. We all go to church and love church, so. What a great service.

[Rob Hollis]

Exactly. Shout out to Reverend. Shout out to Reverend Jones in the back. You get that replacement hip yet, you old snake, you?

[Jake Johnson]

And cut. Let's try one last one, guys. Nice and clean. Lean and mean.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is good.

[Rob Hollis]

Lean and mean.

[Jake Johnson]

This is the money one. Let's pretend it's on film. This one matters. In three. In two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie and Jeremy, you did it. You're married. We are happy for you.

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very happy. Three stars of New Girl. Jake Johnson. Lamorne Morris. Brian from the show, Gareth Reynolds. We're so happy for you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Rob Hollis]

Against all odds, you survived. Nobody thought you were going to get married. Everybody had doubt in you.

[Jake Johnson]

All the arguments had doubt in you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't matter.

[Jake Johnson]

Your sister Nicole asked us to do this. She said you guys have a lot of fun with your speeches and we just want to say from the bottom of our hearts that we hope you guys really stick it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Out.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't go to bed angry. Always be nice to each other. Always try to listen. Gentlemen, any advice for this lovely couple?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually have never been in a committed relationship. I have a cat, so always clean the litter. But what Jake said sounds really good. Really happy for you, Lamorne.

[Jake Johnson]

What you got?

[Rob Hollis]

Always stare into each other's eyes. So you could read the tea leaves. You understand what I'm telling you? You know, when your partner's up to something.

[Jake Johnson]

And guys, we just want to say in closing to everybody there, thank you guys for having a wonderful night. And please, everybody, give a big hug to Natalie and Jeremy. Congratulations, guys.

[Rob Hollis]

Don't forget Axel and Axel.

[Jake Johnson]

Nicole, where we at?

[Lamorne Morris]

Did Lamorne says that everyone had doubts about Bob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a blooper. There's bloop. There's bloopers. Listen, okay, this is. I mean, honestly, what I have. We have lives outside of this speech.

[Rob Hollis]

My kid. My kid is in the car right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, like he's an accountant on April 14th. Right now.

[Jake Johnson]

In three, two, one. Hey. Hey. Natalie and Jeremy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, A wedding.

[Jake Johnson]

You did it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're so proud of you.

[Jake Johnson]

Congratulations, guys. We're really happy for you. Your sweet sister Nicole asked us to do this. Hi, Nancy. How you doing? And we just want to say we wish you guys all the best from your friends at New Girl. And. Any advice, gentlemen?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I just. We heard about the event and we said we'll just do one quick take of a speech just to get it out there and give it to you and wish you the best. So we really do wish you the best. Lamorn, you got anything?

[Rob Hollis]

Yeah. Shout out to Deacon Jones in the back. You gotta call me. You gotta call me. You owe me something. I'll take payment soon. Venmo works. Don't think cause you had a wedding that I wasn't gonna run up on you. I love you and I know there's a wedding, but I need my stuff. Deacon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man, we're so happy for all of you. And obviously Deacon Jones is totally invented. And that's not real at all. We're just having some fun. And fun is what life and marriage is all about. This is going to go great. Jake, don't look so stressed. You should be happy. We're at the finish line. Oh, God bless.

[Rob Hollis]

We helped.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think the goal of that speech was to make you miss the one before it.

[Jake Johnson]

Nicole, do we have any wins here?

[Lamorne Morris]

Yes, there are some wins there.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, I gotta ask, honestly, is there any world you're playing this at that church wedding? Okay, let's do one more. Hey, Kevin, can you mute Lamorne?

[Rob Hollis]

No, just, just. I'll keep it clean. I'll keep it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, I will.

[Rob Hollis]

I will keep it. Okay, watch this, watch this.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Lamorn, you start our intro. Let's see if that changes it.

[Rob Hollis]

Okay?

[Jake Johnson]

In three, two, one.

[Rob Hollis]

This is Hip Hop Church. I'll start again. I'll start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What is this?

[Rob Hollis]

Jesus Christ is my homie. I'm stop y'all. What? Y'all are messing this up for her. Y'all are messing this up for her.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you talking to you?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you're wearing a durag and you're laid at bed. You are not a real person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How Deacon Jones is gonna get run up on.

[Jake Johnson]

You are just not a serious person.

[Rob Hollis]

I got it. You just gotta let me be.

[Jake Johnson]

In three. In two, go.

[Rob Hollis]

Congratulations, Jeremy and Natalie. It's your wedding day. Everybody in the building is excited, excited to see you. They come from all over the world.

[Jake Johnson]

I work with Lamorne. Guys.

[Rob Hollis]

From miles. I don't think mother looks.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a guy playing in bed with a durag on talking hindsight in some rhythmic way. I don't think it. Hey, yo, it's. It's not going to work. Listen, people.

[Rob Hollis]

Older people in church like to relate to the younger folks, so you got to. You got to bridge that gap.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's start again. Gareth, can you try in trial?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let's try. All right, ready?

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two, one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Natalie and Jeremy, you did it. You got married. And we want to help you celebrate. Stars of the hit show New Girl. Gareth Reynolds. Brian the security guard, Jake Johnson. Lamorne Morris. And we're all here because we know you want to see something big. We got to outdo the previous speeches, the system.

[Jake Johnson]

And I think we are, Gareth, and I think we are. Now, mind you, the Little Mermaid song was great, but I think we're winning this one, don't you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Jake, why don't you give him a little bit of advice? You've learned you're a married guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, here's what I'm going to say to you, Jerry. You got to find your way into the family just the way you have found your way into your bond with Axel at work. So I want you to start looking at your father in law as Axel and bond with that man. You're part of the team now. You're part of the family. And I'll say this. Nicole has a lot of great things to say about you, too. She says that you guys are equally serious but equally silly, and she loves the match. And I think the whole family does.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. And you could see Jake's been a little emotional from even hearing about these nuptials. Lamorne, now, why don't you close out this speech with some great, great, great advice that would play great right now.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, thank you guys so much. We really appreciate Natalie and Jeremy. You guys have a wonderful wedding. Thank you, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

I knew he was going south.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got it.

[Jake Johnson]

So, hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Nicole, what'd you think of that?

[Lamorne Morris]

That one was great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[Lamorne Morris]

I'm so sorry, but I didn't mention that my dad passed a few years ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, but is there a way that.

[Lamorne Morris]

That piece could just get cut out and everything else is perfect?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you lift the dad stuff?

[Rob Hollis]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank God.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got it. But we got it.

[Lamorne Morris]

I should have said something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, please, listen.

[Jake Johnson]

We did. After all that, you revealed that you're dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Amazing that after all that, we talked about your father who's passed away, and you're like. But this is the best one.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Nicole. Nicole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for the call, Nicole.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Venmo us. You owe us a thousand dollars each.

[Jake Johnson]

And Lamore, thank you so much.

[Lamorne Morris]

I will play that last. That last one was.

[Jake Johnson]

You really will?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Maybe there's. Phil. If you get any footage of it.

[Lamorne Morris]

Send the dad pieces out.

[Jake Johnson]

Send us.

[Lamorne Morris]

Kevin, cut that out. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Send us a video of this speech playing. Cause we would love to know how it goes.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right. That feels like a fair trade. Will you make sure somebody, if not you, films it and sends it to Kevin?

[Lamorne Morris]

100%.

[Rob Hollis]

Thank you. Can you also. Can you make sure that everyone at the wedding understands that the link is in my bio if they want a fabulous brown lightning T shirt.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Make sure to spread the word at the wedding about the brown lightning merch.

[Rob Hollis]

Thanks, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm also gonna tell you in the. Cole, you got a sense of what it was like to work with Lamor for seven years. We would be trying to go home, wouldn't we? Lamor and I would go like this. Please, my man, just say it. Just say the line, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please.

[Rob Hollis]

I'll say.

[Jake Johnson]

Ideas.

[Rob Hollis]

Workshopping. Ideas.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys, we gotta get off this call. Nicole, thank you very much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Nicole.

[Lamorne Morris]

Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

God bless.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, guys, thank you for listening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

As you can see, you know, they're great calls. We love Lamorne. It was a lot of fun. So we just decided to, you know, while this was running, we were talking and we decided what we would like to do is offer Lamorne and Kyle to come on the show for a very special episode. We can release it on ours. And the Lamorning after podcast, we could bury the hatchet. We could have all this out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think when you listen back to those two calls, what jumps out to me? Is we were having a hell of a time.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, this was the good. This was the good old days.

[Jake Johnson]

I also spent seven years with this guy at New Girl. I love the guy like a brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I mean, you hear that. You can hear that between you two for it.

[Jake Johnson]

And I know that you and Kyle love each other like cousins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, we see each other at the lesser host events all the time. I mean, we're always bumping into each other.

[Jake Johnson]

So many worlds to the podcast people don't know about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, they don't know. There's like eight different ponds to this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

But what. So, guys, listen, Lamorne, Kyle, let's do. Come on the show. We'll go. We'll do like, let's. It's time to start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, like, look, we all know the world can get pretty ugly and things could get really out of hand, but God, what we're just trying to do here is we're just trying to bring people together. We would love to have you guys on. Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And let me say, we don't expect an apology. Apology.

[Jake Johnson]

It'd be nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'd be nice. But we don't. We don't need it. We're. We're those guys. We're those guys.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what we're asking Lamorne, before you and I end up on People's Court and I take every dollar from you, which I'm willing to do. I don't want to, but I'm willing to. We'll get in a legal mess. You and me will spend seven years in court together. We'll both be broke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shows like an hour.

[Jake Johnson]

What's that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The show's an hour. So I don't know people's heart.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll go back. Oh, so it'll be a multi season arc.

[Rob Hollis]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think they've done that. Okay, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Ryan Murphy will do a show about us on fx.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy Court.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy Court. But listen, guys, come on the show. Yeah, you can really. We'll do. Go on yours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's just.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's bury this. Let's get back to peace and love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep, let's. The good times were great times. So let's get back to that. And I think the best way to. To sign off is probably to just hear that Joe Biden audio one more time.

[Jake Johnson]

James.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just because that really was where the whole thing bottomed out, man. Look, look, look, look.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I know. Look, look, look. We're here to help, man. Come on, man. I like the blacks and I like, we're here to help. Favorite radio station, Jake Johnson. Let me sniff his ear while I figured him. Okay, goodbye, everybody. And I want to say something to the audience really fast. I'm sorry about this episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, this is not okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry to anybody who's listening going, what happened? But we don't know either, guys, this is Thursday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thursdays are wild cards.

[Jake Johnson]

Thursdays are wild. Wild. On Monday, it's gonna feel normal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Monday we'll be back to right. This is.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a disaster.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Joe Biden did not say that. All right, thanks, everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our page [e-mail] hereto helppod to see our entire catalog.

[Rob Hollis]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[Rob Hollis]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the so True podcast, now on Headgun. Every week, me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life. A bunch of other questions. And we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew A. Fualo or my actual biological mother Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it, great. And if not, no worries. So subscribe to so True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on the so True with Caleb Herron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.