151: Thanks for the Memor-Trees & Fluid Wars

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" Episode 151: "Thanks for the Memor-Trees & Fluid Wars"

Release Date: March 3, 2025

In Episode 151 of "We're Here to Help," hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle two uniquely challenging listener inquiries: orchestrating an epic farewell party for a beloved family treehouse and dealing with invasive, rowdy neighbors engaging in questionable bathroom etiquette. Through a blend of humor, creative brainstorming, and heartfelt advice, Jake and Gareth navigate these dilemmas with their characteristic blend of wit and sincerity.

---

1. Farewell to the Family Treehouse: Bryce's Epical Party Planning

Caller: Mateo (Bryce) from Sherman Oaks, California
Topic: Organizing a legendary goodbye party for his family's four-story treehouse before the city mandates its removal.

Background:
Mateo's family boasts an elaborate treehouse built by his father in 2001, complete with running water, a full-service bar, and an electric fireplace. This treehouse has been a cherished part of their community, hosting events like the annual "Boney Island" Halloween display. However, after eight years of battling city regulations due to lack of permits, the treehouse is slated for dismantling.

Problem:
Mateo and his sister aim to throw a memorable and grandiose send-off party that honors decades of memories, surpassing a simple farewell gathering. They seek advice on making this event both impactful and legendary without escalating tensions with their critical neighbor, affectionately termed "Karen."

Advice & Pitches:
Jake and Gareth dive into a series of creative suggestions to elevate Mateo's farewell party:

• Themed Celebrations:
  Gareth suggests transforming the event into a themed extravaganza, such as a "Pirate Treasure Island," integrating playful elements like scavenger hunts and themed decorations to celebrate the treehouse's legacy.

• Interactive Elements:
  Jake proposes incorporating interactive features like a giant wooden pinata resembling the treehouse's neighbor, turning the act of dismantling into a communal and festive activity. This idea blends celebration with the physical act of taking down the structure, making the farewell both symbolic and entertaining.

• Memorial Touches:
  To honor the treehouse's history, Jake recommends displaying photos and memories within the treehouse, allowing guests to share personal stories and anecdotes. This would provide a heartfelt dimension to the event, fostering a sense of community and shared nostalgia.

Mateo's Response:
Inspired by the pitches, Mateo expresses enthusiasm for integrating a pinata and themed elements, deciding to present these ideas to his parents. He appreciates the balance between honoring the treehouse and celebrating its legacy with grandeur.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson [23:31]: "Let’s honor it. So the party is there to basically say goodbye."
• Gareth Reynolds [32:52]: "The theme could be like a final salute... or pirates. Treasure Island, something like that."

---

2. Battling the Pervy Neighbors: Emory's Duck Dilemma

Caller: Emory from Ann Arbor, Michigan
Topic: Dealing with freshman boys who repeatedly urinate on her apartment windows, worsening interactions and raising concerns about their behavior.

Background:
Emory and her five female roommates reside in a college house alongside a nearby pond, where several ducks roam freely. Recently, new neighbors comprising freshman boys have moved into the vicinity. The situation escalated when these boys began urinating on the apartment windows, leading to confrontations and discomfort among the female residents.

Problem:
The persistent and targeted urination has not only been a nuisance but has also crossed into inappropriate territory, with one incident captured on video showing a particularly inebriated boy engaging in the behavior. Emory seeks effective strategies to halt this invasive behavior without escalating tensions further.

Advice & Pitches:
Jake and Gareth approach Emory's predicament with a mix of practical solutions and humorous ingenuity:

• Installation of Security Measures:
  Gareth emphasizes the importance of documenting the behavior by installing security cameras. This approach aims to deter future incidents by holding the culprits accountable, providing evidence for any necessary interventions.

  Gareth Reynolds [50:00]: "You can get fakes... just scare them."

• Humorous Retaliation:
  Playing off the absurdity of the situation, Jake suggests light-hearted retaliation measures, such as using tampons filled with fake blood as a symbolic counteraction. This idea, while unconventional, injects humor into the solution, aligning with the podcast's comedic tone.

  Jake Johnson [58:07]: "Put the tampons at both of their front door and their back door."

• Community Engagement:
  Both hosts advocate for involving the broader community, possibly through flyers or community meetings, to address the behavior collectively. This strategy seeks to foster a respectful and cooperative environment.

Emory's Response:
Emory appreciates the blend of practical and humorous advice, particularly favoring the tampon tactic. She plans to implement these suggestions, hoping to curtail the disruptive behavior while maintaining a sense of control and dignity.

Notable Quotes:

• Emory [47:14]: "We're dealing with the males. And as two of them don't over."
• Jake Johnson [56:05]: "You made a big mistake, okay?"

---

Concluding Thoughts and Future Follow-Ups

Throughout the episode, Jake and Gareth maintain a lighthearted yet earnest approach, balancing humor with sincere attempts to assist their listeners. The dynamic interplay between the hosts adds depth to the advisory process, making complex and bizarre problems approachable and entertaining.

Key Takeaways:

• Creative Problem-Solving:
  The episode highlights the importance of thinking outside the box when addressing unconventional problems, blending practicality with creativity.

• Community and Legacy:
  Celebrating communal spaces and shared memories can strengthen bonds and create lasting impressions, as seen in Mateo's treehouse farewell.

• Humor as a Coping Mechanism:
  Using humor to address and mitigate discomforting situations can provide relief and foster a sense of camaraderie among those involved.

Final Notable Quote:

• Gareth Reynolds [84:15]: "This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by..."

---

This episode exemplifies "We're Here to Help"'s unique ability to transform everyday dilemmas into engaging, laughter-filled discussions, offering listeners both entertainment and thoughtful advice.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Emory]

Get the Angel Reese special at McDonald's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now let's break it down.

[Mateo]

My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions and a sesame seed bun of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ba da ba ba ba.

[Jake Johnson]

I participate in restaurants for a limited time and we back. Jake, you know what I just did yesterday? When this airs, it'll be about two and a half weeks ago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not the timing guy, so don't even.

[Jake Johnson]

I took a hike with Lamorne. Oh yeah, we took a hike yesterday.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh boy. Because I remember we recently talked about a hike you did with Lamorne and.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we've taken a couple.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You split. But the one specifically where he was gassed.

[Jake Johnson]

He's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then you filmed him and then he. Well I mean, I guess obviously we've been pretty public with the fact that there is a little bit of. There's a beef.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's kind of interesting to hear that you're, you know, going out there. I guess this would be like you see each other, you know, it's Hollywood, it's a small town. So what was the. What was the vibe?

[Jake Johnson]

It was really fun. No, what is beef is weird. What? No, it was. I'll tell you this, and I know he's going to hear this, but I gotta say, I don't know what he's doing physically because he can't make it up the hill. Gareth. And we both look good. We hiked with Steve Berg a lot, right? Yes. So you and I are both, you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Know, we like a pace.

[Jake Johnson]

We like a pace. A couple guys who might appear to be Ford Focuses or old mobile Cutlass. Old mobile. Where you go, that car can't go. But we can make it up the hill on a pretty good pace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yeah. And we're folk, we. I view a hike as the way up is the exercise, the way down is the chat.

[Jake Johnson]

I totally agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Berg viewed the whole thing as a chat.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then eventually when I'd hike with Berg, I mean, I think we both, you know, at some point he'd go, you don't have to wait for me. And you'd get to the peak and then you'd be like, where the hell is he? And then like eight minutes later you just see that little blonde head sort of nordicing up.

[Jake Johnson]

What. What Lamorne does, which is shocking, is he makes excuses where he'll stop and pretend to be smelling flowers, but always at a big incline point where he'll be like, man, this is a beautiful plant. And I'm like, we're eight minutes in, my man. Like, you can't stop mid incline. You can stop at the little plateaus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

And then every time we turn a corner, he goes like, you gotta be kidding me, this isn't even safe. And I'm like, we're not talking about the safety of the hill, you geek. Just keep walking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So how is. Because he is like, we've, we've seen he. I mean, he's been very public with some of these shirtless pics where he's. I mean, oh, yeah, he is in good shape, but their conditioning is weak.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. You know, I. I'm not saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you saying.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not saying anything.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We. Maybe we talking about some juice maybe. Is he maybe.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it possible?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be sad because that's a slippery slope.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. Would you ever do steroids?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Jake, I was just gonna say. Why don't you answer you? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, your late 40s, your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Age, decades from now. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Four years, probably. What are you. Are you 45 or 46?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what were you saying?

[Jake Johnson]

When you go through your big head phase, where. Because at first you're going to be very strong and it's going to be like, whoa, dude. And you're not going to tell me. I'm just gonna go like, dude, your arms and shoulders look good. And you'll go like, PX90.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They've always been like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I'll go, you do look different. And you'll go, God, you're gaslighting me. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be like, buddy obsessed.

[Jake Johnson]

You're obsess. And I'll go like, I think. And then one day I'll go, dude, your face is 10% bigger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've got, like, extra bones in your face.

[Jake Johnson]

And you'll go, it's a nightmare. I don't know what to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be like, I don't know. The swelling will go down if I stop juicing for a couple months, but I can't lose the bowl.

[Jake Johnson]

What happens with Barry Bond's head? Mark McGuire head? How does this happen?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that was. I think they Human growth, they've gotten a little bit better at it, it seems, but it definitely. Like, I saw Stallone the other day.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, you know, not a person. We weren't hanging, but. But I watched Demolition man recently and I was like, God damn. That guy was like, yeah, that is like, peak.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then. And then when you see him now, you're like, it's just something happened.

[Jake Johnson]

So, you know, it's the. I feel like it's the equivalent of when we were growing up, we all felt bad for all these women having plastic surgery and getting boob jobs. And then there was an era of, all of a sudden, we didn't feel bad for the men, like the Arnold Schwarzeneggers and all these guys who were really strong. But now, because of the podcast alpha male culture, there's a lot of dudes doing a lot of different stuff to their bodies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That is not healthy. But, you know, you'll see an actor, all of a sudden, they'll be like, a little bit. You know, not a Lamorne, but some. Like these other guys where they have like, muscles on muscles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And they go like. They do like a men's health. You know, where you. They look at their fridge and they're like, it's just protein powders. And I'm like, get out of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Man.

[Jake Johnson]

You lying and you geek.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You're taking steroids and. Or whatever it's called, though. And that's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But there's someone.

[Jake Johnson]

You're going to pay the price.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like Mark Wahlberg.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a guy who I'm like, I don't like. There's some people, like, when you think of like, like surgery and stuff, like Rob Low. Whatever. Rob Low's doing whatever. He's like. We all know he's like 70.

[Jake Johnson]

Agree. But I beg you, man, to do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will do it for you, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't start going. Don't be fake. Don't be a stand up comedian in your 50s who gets facial surgeries.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Talk to me, Jake. I worry about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm the Jake. We need it.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm waiting by you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need a heartthrob on the show.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So let me hand.

[Jake Johnson]

Then let's get a guest helper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. Let me help. Let me help the show. I'm here to help. Okay, I got this.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a man in your room in the background.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's.

[Jake Johnson]

We told him to, but you're in a hotel room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What's going on? I just saw somebody pop up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Luke, my. My buddy who I go on the road with. We're in a room together.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay. That makes my. Now I. I got nervous for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

I was scared. There's a man going through your stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it's his stuff. He's going through his stuff. He's.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you guys. So you guys share the suitcase?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, that's. No. He has his own stuff and I. I don't. Stop it. This is not. We're not going in this. What were you going to ask? You were asking about something. I was going to ask the conspiracy.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you just freeze on purpose?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Did I freeze?

[Jake Johnson]

By the way? You just froze on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Am I still. That would be a great move. I. That would be a great feature for Zoom to have when you don't want to talk about something fake. The fake freeze button.

[Jake Johnson]

All jokes aside, what if we tried to invent that and get on Shark Tank?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really should get on there.

[Jake Johnson]

A button that you could press that actually makes it Feel like. Because you could. It's not hard technology.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. This is what it should be. It's an app.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That makes it seem. It just lowers your service and then after a couple glitches.

[Emory]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drops you off.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, so valuable.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, if there's a. A web designer out there, we don't need somebody. Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Look at us.

[Jake Johnson]

Email the show. Let's see if we can get on. Goddamn Shark Tank. And you know what they'll tell us? It's not a business, it's a hobby. And you know what? I'll say that's why we need a shark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, it would be gutting to be one of the people who goes in there and they never air it.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder how often that happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

You do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But why would they air something that. Or just let it be? Not a great thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think because they want to have a balance they probably don't go on for. They probably pull the plug on somewhere. They're like, no, no, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I'm sure they're heavily prepped and all that shit.

[Jake Johnson]

I think so, too. And do you think that. Do you think they have teleprompters? I'm not talking about the sharks. I'm talking about the people pitching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you don't. No, I think they are prepped and. Because you've seen sometimes where people lose their train of thought.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, sometimes pitches go horrible and someone freezes.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, it's a product. And I feel like this. They're not a sponsor. And I don't know if I got it from Shark Tank, but I love it. It's called Skylight Calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh.

[Jake Johnson]

It's an old school calendar, but it's done on a computer screen, but it actually looks like a calendar. And so you can put everything into it, but you could also do it through your phone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you. Are you. Are you hanging it on, like, a wall?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is big for me.

[Jake Johnson]

I know this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Very big for me.

[Jake Johnson]

So Skylight calendar. Gareth. Because I was always. I tried to do it on my phone, but, you know, it's not great. I like the calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely agree. I had a manager. I had a manager who was like, you need to get away from your wall calendar.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I have, but I miss it. I was just thinking the other day, I'm like, man, if it was there, dude. Because the problem is, it's like, it should be my home screen is what it should be.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about this? This Is my favorite. My favorite text. Are you joining? And I'll be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'll be like, out somewhere and be like, I've joined something. It needs to be joined.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you joining?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, night, like at one floor. And you're like, oh, just lying.

[Jake Johnson]

Just a nightmare. Just lying to people coming in. And then this is my play. Sorry, I was having a hard time getting on the zoom link.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. I'll do something like that. I'll be like, just setting it up right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And then I go like, something went wrong. And they're like, you're covered in sweat and you're shirtless. And I'll go like, well, are you in a sweet. And I was wearing a shirt. When I tried to get on this zoom link in the last 42 to three minutes, everything went wrong. It's the best now. Better. Better WI fi. I'd heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think someone sent me the wrong link. Just pulling up the email now.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I'm now doing a non commercial commercial for Skylight Calendar for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Skylight Calendar.

[Jake Johnson]

I am in. I don't know where I first saw it. I think it honestly might have been Shark Tank, because I was doing a period. I'll watch the show and then buy the products.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You. You have it on your wall.

[Bryce]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's. You can put it on the wall or you could also put it on a stand and I like the wall.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the wall.

[Jake Johnson]

They give you the tools to be able to screw it in a wall if you want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, not huge tools. Not sure why you're trying to like home improvement.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, are you not a handy guy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a very handy guy. We used to work construction. Who the. What do you think you're talking to? So did I. Yeah, I'm handy. I mean, I can do it.

[Jake Johnson]

What? See, that is exactly who you and I are in real life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm ambitious, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

You just nailed who we are in life. I can do it. And then there, without anybody saying something, it's. I mean, I could do it. Then if you take. If nobody says anything, you would also go, there's a better person for the job. But if you're in a bad spot, I'm your guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One time a friend of mine was like, can you hang my lighting? And I was like. And I genuinely. I said, yes. And while I was doing it, I was like, I'm probably gonna die, like, up here.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, I was pulling. I was. I was doing electrical Work. I was like, I have no business.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's touching wires.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Twisting wire. It was insane.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it worked. But I was just genuinely like, I'm definitely like, I'm going to die in this guy's house.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't like that at all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's get to the show. Goddamn. Okay, without further ado.

[Mateo]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Can we get your name, please?

[Mateo]

Yes, my name is Bryce.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, hold on, Bryce. If you got some excitement, let's let it out. What do you got, girl?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's party.

[Jake Johnson]

I stopped you. I don't want to stop you, Bryce. You're on the show.

[Emory]

Heck, yeah.

[Mateo]

Oh, my God, y'all. I'm so excited. My heart is, like, racing. Do people normally get this nervous?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I think I. Everybody thinks so. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everybody's always freaking out whenever they. Yeah. I mean, this is the biggest podcast of all time, so.

[Mateo]

It absolutely is.

[Jake Johnson]

Bryce, you've been a long time listener.

[Mateo]

Yes, absolutely. Since day one.

[Jake Johnson]

And what. What do you think your favorite episode has been?

[Mateo]

Okay, well, usually I say my favorite episode, and this is like, early on, was the woman who was masturbating in front of.

[Jake Johnson]

When she was the cat sitter.

[Mateo]

Of course she was masturbating the cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Mateo]

I love that episode. I showed it to my husband, and at first he was like, oh, ha ha. And then I waited a little bit and I was like, oh, my God, you should listen to this episode of the podcast. And he was like, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, he's definitely not the problem. This guy sounds like a winner.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Bryce, where are you calling from?

[Mateo]

I am currently in Denver, Colorado, but I am from Sherman Oak, California, and that's important for the story.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So why don't we just get right into it? What do you think, Garth? You got any questions?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do it. No. Let's party.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Bryce, what's up?

[Mateo]

Okay, first, y'all didn't ask me what my age was, so I'm just gonna give you that information. I am 28.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Mateo]

From Sherman Oak, California, we have. My family has a four story tree house in our front yard. And it's. It's insane. It has running water, it has a full service bar. It has a little electric fireplace.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Mateo]

It's insane. It's been there since 2001. My dad built it in 2001 just for me and my sister.

[Jake Johnson]

This is in Sherman Oaks.

[Mateo]

Sherman Oaks, Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's incredible. We're looking at it.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, we will do. We will post this on Instagram, too, so that people can see it who don't get the video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

It's beautiful. Yeah. So your dad. Your dad built this?

[Mateo]

Yes, my dad, who is not a carpenter, he actually used to work on the Simpsons for, like, 20 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Jake Johnson]

What'd your dad do on the Simpsons?

[Mateo]

He was an animation producer.

[Jake Johnson]

Cool.

[Mateo]

Yeah. So he built it. He's the most creative person in the world. We started doing this Halloween display called Boney Island. And it was in our front yard, and everyone just became obsessed with it. We got a little too big, so the city had to shut us down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Mateo]

Now we do it in different venues. But anyways, we have one neighbor who lives across the street from us, and she hates us. She hated us because. Yeah, because Boney island was always so loud, which I get. But also, it's like, two weeks out of the year. People have thought she has young kids. So, like, the kids used to sit on their lawn and just watch people have fun at Boney island because they weren't allowed to come over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what's funny is when you said, but come on. I expected her to be like, it's one night. But she's like, it's two weeks, by the way, three months out of the year. Calm down.

[Jake Johnson]

And so tell me again, Bryce, just because I was trying to catch up on this thing, what is Boney island again? It's a party you guys throw in that tree house.

[Mateo]

Sorry. Boney island is a Halloween display that we do on the front yard. We live on a corner lot, so it takes up the whole, like, front yard and side yard. Okay. My dad and his friend created, like, a water show. It's like. It's kind of like the Bellagio, how it dances to music and we have a maestro. It's this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Imagine being the neighbor.

[Mateo]

Yeah, no, it's like, I get it. But also, everyone else in the neighborhood loves us. They love Bony Island.

[Jake Johnson]

Is this gonna happen next October?

[Mateo]

Well, we. I. I think so.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll be there. I'm gonna be there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be there, too. By the way, I'm living in the treehouse.

[Jake Johnson]

I am going to. Boney is 100% okay.

[Mateo]

I.

[Jake Johnson]

You said, imagine being the neighbor, Garrett. This is right up my alley house. Oh, my God. I would live in there. That's where I would be doing my. You know. Could you imagine the rhino on the wall of that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just gonna say I could only imagine the aesthetic in there with you with these stone animals.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm loving everything. Your dad's cooking.

[Mateo]

Yeah, Well, I used to, like, sleep up there when I was a child. I would go, like, camping up there. It's such a thing with the community that, like, people have. Someone came up to the door and was like, hey, can I propose to my girlfriend in your tree house? We walk by it every single day, and it's just, like, such an important thing for us. And we were like, yeah, sure, whatever. On the news, it's been in. On TV shows and commercials, all that jazz.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're setting us up for some pain.

[Mateo]

Okay, so this really mean neighbor, she complained to the city, and because we're not, we don't have permits for it because this is back in 2001 when it was just, like, a fun little project that my dad did. He didn't think of getting any permits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no.

[Mateo]

So permanent.

[Jake Johnson]

A house and a tree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Mateo]

It's crazy, right? So the city. I think the city was just being a little petty and was like, oh, we don't like this thing because it's not permanent. So we're gonna make it super difficult to permit this thing. So after fighting with the city for eight years, we have to take it down. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? That is such bullshit.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's the city of. I agree. And that's the city of Sherman Oaks.

[Mateo]

That's Los Angeles.

[Jake Johnson]

So. Los Angeles. The mayor of Los Angeles. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, that. That.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I was worried about right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know. That's like, of all the things to be sweating, right?

[Jake Johnson]

All of our issues were taken down a tree house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know.

[Mateo]

Yeah. Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is a. This is a big setup, I gotta say. I mean, from the sounds of this, this does not sound like our kind of problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, you know how this. This ends with me running for mayor?

[Jake Johnson]

Unless it's honestly Parmesan in the mayor's floor, we might be out of our league.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Parmesan. The city.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Maybe fight fire with fire. Parmesan the floor. 70s bush.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The hell is that over there? A 70s bush? Who's Parmesan?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we're saying build another treehouse on the neighbor's yard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What? It'll distract them.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, Bryce, this is a big setup. This is a. The city's letting you down. Where you at?

[Mateo]

So my question is, my sister and I want to throw a very large going away for the tree house. And my parents. My parents were very cautious to say, don't make it too big, where the neighbor is going to call the cops on Us, because we don't need that. But we want something that's more than just like, oh, thanks for all the fun memories. Like a boring little party with all of my parents, friends and no, we don't want it to be a party. Epic.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How. How are they? How, like, do you know how they're going to take the tree house down? Are you meant to take it down? Is the city taking it down? What does that look like?

[Mateo]

No, my parents are hiring, like a construction crew to come and take it down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

This is terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is tragedy. It's awesome.

[Mateo]

But that's the thing. We don't know when they're taking it down. So I'm looking at flights to come home, like every other day to be like, okay, should I just book a flight and come in and we'll just have a party?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Mateo]

We need to first plan the party and what exactly it's going to entail.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Mateo]

I need y'all help.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so, Bryce, let's talk it out for a little bit. So it's a beautiful multi level tree house in a tree. It's been around forever. It's part of the community. They got to take it down. So you want to throw a party? Or is it more just about a big party? Or you just want to, you know, give it a Viking funeral type thing? Something to really honor it before it's gone? Where's your, like, where's everything at?

[Mateo]

Well, my parents want to just give it a goodbye party, but my sister and I wanted to give it a good old fashioned Viking hoedown.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Something big.

[Mateo]

Something big that I can tell my kids. That other neighbors who loved the tree house can tell their kids. Like, the treehouse is so legendary that I feel like it just also has to have a legendary ending by.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mateo]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Did you say you. Do you have kids, Bryce?

[Mateo]

No, I do not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You do not. Okay. Well, I kind of got. It's like we're saying, Jake, I mean, this is pretty. You know, it's kind of a grief. It's like, it really is. It's kind of like a funeral, honestly. So it's a little strange in that way, but I think you're right. I would say let's get ahead of this and let's pull the plug on our own versus let the city determine when this thing comes down. That would be what I would start with.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think what we need to pitch Gareth is themes for a big blowout party that her parents are happy with because, you know, it's Their thing. So their friends are going to be there, but then there's some also younger people that can enjoy it too, Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. I think you're right.

[Mateo]

Right. And we. My sister and I were talking and we said, okay, mom and dad, your friends can come during the day. That'll be like the nice party. You can say goodbye, whatever. And then the moment it hits, like 8 o'clock, that's when the real party starts.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, the problem is, is you're. We've got another catch on this, Bryce. As you know, you got a Karen as a neighbor and she's gonna call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not worried about her. I'm sorry. She's. Are. We want to make nice with her now? No, she's gonna Denver. You think we give a shit about her? I think you're crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

She's got to call police. She's got to call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring them. Bryce and I are willing to live in jail for this. Right, Bryce? Tell him.

[Mateo]

Yeah, I'll fight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly. I won't be. I'm actually out of town for the event, but I. In spirit. My God, is it exciting? Well, why don't we do this? Why I think we really. This is what I would pitch lightly is that, you know, we have this party. You want to grieve the tree on its own. You could call it something like tree later or thanks for the memories. You could. What we could do is we could have this party and we could have a construction guy there that night. And maybe every half hour we can just kind of take a piece of it down and kind of keep it in bigger pieces so that we can keep the wood and maybe when the time is right, repurpose the lumber to rebuild. Maybe not a tree house this epic, but something in for your kids, for your sister's kids, or even just a little house in the backyard that isn't like over, you know, overseeing Sherman Oaks. But really, like. Like, it is. I mean, it's always weird when you party after a funeral, but it is like there is something cathartic about it. So maybe you are just like, yeah, you hive a bartender there, you have like some drinks in the yard, you're playing music and you just have someone help you. Like the construction people who are going to take it down, have them there that night and every half hour take down a chunk so you could sort of get used to it. And it's on your terms.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's interesting. I got a question. How much weight can that thing carry? Because you probably, you know, if it's not permitted. How many. How many drinking adults can be in that tree house at once?

[Mateo]

I could be super wrong about. About this, but I'd say like 20 people.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And how big of a party. How big of a party are you thinking of throwing?

[Mateo]

Well, the party would take place on the front lawn, so you could see the tree house.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mateo]

And then if you want to go in the treehouse, you can. But, yeah, you don't have to spend the whole night up there.

[Jake Johnson]

So one kind of sweet thing I would do is I would get your parents to do all the photos over the years of the tree house and all the people in the neighborhood. I'd pass it around. First I'm going to give my sweet pitch, and then I'm going to give what I would do as my second pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So then I would have inside the walls of the treehouse, all the photos and different memories. I would have an opportunity for people to speak. So because it's not just like a party, you're not going to do themed, you're not going to dress up like pirates. It's not going to be one of those kind of crazy things. But everybody can go around and talk about what the treehouse meant to them. I would have the speakers facing your neighbor's house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Now just a little bit of. A little bit of salt in the wound.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

But. But I would have this whole idea of, like, it's going, so let's all honor it. So the party is there to basically say the people who got engaged in it, somebody who grew up used to go to it. People could come back and essentially say their goodbyes. The second pitch that I would do is closer to what Gareth was saying. And I would have the party while it's being taken down. And the part I would be having everybody getting drunk, and you guys are all part of the tearing it down process that you've got a couple people, the construction people, who are telling people when things aren't safe, like the big roof. But different people can go in at different times and, like, kick a wall out, rip about, like, you know, like, it could be part of, like, a fun, crazy experience as opposed to this sad thing. Like, it'd be fun to take it apart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you. If you did have. If you wanted to keep it, like on the lawn, you could do that. But like every. You could be rotating people up there, you know, and you could have, like, it's kind of like the balcony, you know, and so people could go up there for a minute and you Know, you slowly start to take. You take the roof down, take the stairs down, you know, leave it. So you're kind of taking it down in an order where people could still go up there as the night goes on. But I. I think something like that, I mean, that feels like a way to real time, kind of grieve it, celebrate it, and get it down on your terms. What if we do it like a funeral? What if we do do it like where people talk about it? There can be a microphone, there can be music, there can be like you're saying pictures, things like that. That can kind of like. Not that it's like one continuous event.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But it starts off with the funeral vibe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you could kind of start it there.

[Jake Johnson]

Speeches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Exactly. I like inviting the people from the neighborhood. I think that's good. I'll come by and then.

[Jake Johnson]

But what's the second half, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then I think it is kind of taking it apart. I mean, I. I don't know if you necessarily want to kick it apart or. But. But you could kind of like. Like when I.

[Jake Johnson]

How do you do that safely though?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I would say you're not gonna be able to take the whole thing down, but there's gonna be just an element of your kind of destroy. Look, your dad's there. Your dad built the thing. I mean, your dad could probably start taking pieces of it down.

[Jake Johnson]

I have an idea. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So at every big kids party, what they have in LA is there's this section of the party where they do the big old pinata.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm looking at a big old wooden pinata up in that tree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you know what the pinata looks like? Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The neighbor.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But I think you get a big poll and everybody takes turns from down beneath hitting the pinata. And I would say you fill the house with candy so that if you can pop holes in it, you turn it into a tree pinata.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Triniata, triniata.

[Jake Johnson]

And so the party starts with speeches, everybody remembers it. Then you've got a fun time where you take out this big poll and you go around and everybody takes turn. They get three whacks and you literally put a bunch of candy and fun stuff at the bottom of it. And the idea of it is is whoever can pop holes in it first and start breaking it down. That's the goal.

[Mateo]

I love that.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. Because everybody else stands further away so that they don't get hurt. But one person who's got the guts, goes up there, takes a couple big hacks and Then what might happen is the whole thing might fall in big chunks.

[Mateo]

I don't think it's going to fall in big chunks, but I like where you're headed.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you like the idea of the pinata feeling?

[Mateo]

Yes, I think that's great.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think about, like a theme, Bryce? Where's your head at with that?

[Mateo]

I just don't know. I love a theme. I. I have a theme for every party. I just don't know what the theme would be for this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the theme could be.

[Jake Johnson]

The theme could be like a final salute. It could be everybody has to dress like they're at a funeral.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you could do funeral. I also do think, and I think this was pointed out as a hacky pitch earlier, but I would pitch it, that it could be pirate themed and you could call it like Treasure island or something like that because it is kind of like, it does have this buccaneer.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. And that you could put, you could put like fake golden goodies up there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, it kind of is like, like, it just kind. I mean, it really does just have that vibe. So you could do that. I mean, and you could really, like, you really could theme it up like that.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I would do at the beginning of the party is if you're doing a thing, what do you think about, like a Treasure island pirates thing? Bryce?

[Mateo]

I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

Because what you could do at the beginning is you could, if there's neighborhood kids, you could actually store, like have like a little scavenger hunt. And one of the clues is up there. So at the beginning of the party, you're actually showing the beauty of the tree house and the fun of it that all throughout, like the front yard, there's little clues and things hidden. And so you're seeing the point of it. And that is when you were growing up, you played in there, you had sleepovers in there, you camped in there. So it's meant for fun. And if neighborhood kids at the beginning of it are all enjoying it, well, it's a really stupid thing to take down. So you're doing that. Then the middle of the party is after that, when it's done, everybody kind of talks about their memories or what they're going to miss about it. And then when the parents go to bed and it becomes night, you can turn it into the pinata because that's a. A raging ending party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Mateo]

Yeah, I like that. I like giving it the send off that it truly deserves because I don't want it to be just A sad like, oh, one day random men come and take it down. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you go. You go.

[Mateo]

If we were to make a sign that was to hang on the tree house, what would you recommend that sign say? Just something to say, like, goodbye, tree house.

[Emory]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but I hear what you're saying, and I think you should do a side. I think it should be something of the. The city of Los Angeles. And if it's Mayor Bass. Mayor Bass in the city of Los Angeles are making us take down this tree. Thank you, Sherman Oaks, for allowing us to be part of your community for the last 20 years. And the reason I say that is it could be a last effort dish of people coming out and saying, like, hold on. I'm a big believer in it's not over until it's over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I do think. I think you could definitely do something like that. And it's like, if people wanted to, like, take. Like you're saying, like, someone proposed to their future spouse up there. Like, if people wanted to take a tour of it, like, as it's going away, it kind of does give it that status of yes, like a landmark almost. And I don't know. I mean, I think you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

Pitch, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Another party pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Because the hitting, it is fun. The. The scavenger is fun. I would say. Bryce, Here's a different pitch. You just let a group of people come. Your parents. They might. When you pitch it to them, I could see your parents going, like, we're not doing the pinata thing. It's not safe. And then you go, pirates. And they say, no. And this was a wasted call. Right? Here's a pitch that could really happen that you could make happen with your group. The party is just the party. Your parents do a thing. Everybody's sad. The neighborhoods come out. Everybody's wearing khaki pants and button downs. It's a really nice thing. Couple glasses of white wine and, you know, everyone's giving each other hugs. And after five minutes, everyone's talking about life anyhow, right? Then you go around a little bit. People make speeches. At night, you and a group of your inner circle do a slumber party in the treehouse.

[Mateo]

Fun.

[Jake Johnson]

And you stay up all night. You all sleep in there. You get like 12 to 20 of you, but you go. You camp in it one last time.

[Mateo]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And that night, you're really honoring it. And it's not necessarily for the neighbor two blocks away. They can come to the little one with your parents, but the real party is at Midnight. I don't know if you guys are going to be smoking weed, drinking, eating candy, whatever you guys do that's fun. That's what you guys are doing all night. But your group spends one more night and maybe it's you and your siblings and your parents. I don't know what that group is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a Goonie sequel.

[Jake Johnson]

But you do a Goonie sequel.

[Mateo]

I like it. It'll be like drinks. Drinks on the top floor.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mateo]

Hot socks.

[Emory]

The middle room.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mateo]

All the windows.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Mateo]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's. Everybody has to sleep there. So even though it's uncomfortable, somebody could be like, I'm dying to go to my bed. It's like, nope, last night. But you do one last night of new big memories. And then you let the city do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What it's going to do, which is bullshit. We're on record.

[Jake Johnson]

But what do you think? What do you think of that? Let your parents have the quote unquote party. And the late night VIP party is one final sleepover rager that you don't have to contact the city. You don't have to worry about noise complaints. But you guys go in there and you spend that last night, you don't go back inside till nine in the morning.

[Mateo]

I love that. I absolutely love that. Okay, that's special for just.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right.

[Mateo]

The inner circle.

[Jake Johnson]

For the inner circle. And that's what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe someone like Jake comes over with a statue of a silverback and sort of spoons that on the top floor when you're all there or something.

[Mateo]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, if I could get silver, like, I would love to have that. Yeah. That's not the joke part. If anybody has access to a statue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of a silver back.

[Jake Johnson]

What did I call the Silver Lake?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Silver Lake gorilla is so hilarious thing to imagine. That's Steve Berg.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. That's nine different basketball teams of hipsters.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Bryce, I think that's great. Do us a favor and just, you know, take pictures. Send us, send us stuff so we can do a real good update on something like this. But yeah, that's a great way to go out on it. So.

[Mateo]

Okay. I love it. I will absolutely follow up with y'all.

[Jake Johnson]

So what are you gonna do? Yeah, what are you gonna do?

[Mateo]

Well, okay, well, first I'm gonna pitch the pinata to my parents.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Mateo]

Hopefully they don't say no, but if they do, then pitch. I'll pitch to them like, oh, just like a party with me and my sister and we just invite all of our friends over and we just have one of our classic treehouse parties that we had growing up and they think it's fine. And then we bring a table up there. Yes, we have handles. We have weed for everyone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then cocaine.

[Mateo]

Whatever you want. And then they don't really know what happened that night until the next morning. And everyone is just passed out in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So much puke.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that sounds nice. I think that could work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too. I think that's great.

[Mateo]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you guys take it to the pinata route, you got to film that because that would be something I'd be very interested in seeing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

If that happens, that's a pretty cool ending too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, and let us know when this is happening too, because if I'm in town, I will come by.

[Mateo]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm not. And I noticed that that's the second time I said that, Jacob. Both times really just sort of cold on the idea, but I will.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not gonna do it. You this and it never.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna be there. I, I, I'll. Need I remind you I almost dressed up like the green Goblin for a party in ch. I know.

[Jake Johnson]

We spent a whole call on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Luke did it. Luke did it.

[Jake Johnson]

But you ran out the back and ran from there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop, stop. You did calls over.

[Jake Johnson]

The followup was we saw Gareth. We approached him and he ran away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on. Like a green Goblin would. Thank you, Bryce. Keep us posted.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye. This episode is brought to you by Quip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

I have a corduroy jacket from Quince. I have multiple shirts from Quince. I have one of those shirts from Quince that has like the three buttons up top. It's perfect. Show a little chest off, you know what I mean? Not too much. You're not giving it away. Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quince.com here to help for free shipping on your order on 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com here to help to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quincy.com here to help this episode is.

[Jake Johnson]

Brought to you by Rocket Money. Rocket Money is something that I use and it is something that has saved me a lot of money. I first used it when I started doing this podcast and Rocket Money sponsored us and I was shocked with how many subscriptions I had forgotten about and was paying for. So Rocket Money saved me money.

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[Emory]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're very welcome. You excited?

[Emory]

Yes, very. I'm excited to have my problem solved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Your life's about to change and probably a mediocre way. Can we get your name, please?

[Emory]

My name is Emory.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Emory. Great name, Emory. Where are you calling from?

[Emory]

I'm calling from Michigan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Michigan. Whereabouts in Michigan you want to say?

[Emory]

Ann Arbor. This is a college story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a college. Are you in college?

[Emory]

I am. I go to the University of Michigan.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You hungover right now?

[Emory]

Not currently.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, Emery, there used to be a pink house that a bunch of my friends lived in in Ann Arbor.

[Emory]

A pink house?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it was like a pink house. I don't remember where, but we used to all go up and party in the pink house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you heard of these legendary party stories?

[Emory]

Yes, I have heard of the pink house party.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pink house party. Okay, good?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, pretty good. All right, so what do you got?

[Emory]

Okay, so me and six of my best friends were all girls. We live in this beautiful college house together. Yes, exactly. We have brand new neighbors that just moved in. Second semester, just started, and they're all freshman boys, which we were obviously immediately concerned about. But the concern definitely grew when one of my roommates started getting woken up every morning by, like, a tapping on her second story window. Like rain, almost. But there was no rain. The air was dry. And then I began to notice in our subarctic temperatures, a frozen waterfall of substance down the side of our house. So we all hypothesized that these kids were opening their top story window and peeing on our house. Yeah. It wasn't until a week ago when 10 of us were standing on the porch doing nothing, and one of them came out and started being on our house. It was during the big Lions game. One of them was so drunk, we caught him in action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. So there's a video of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are we. We're looking.

[Emory]

We sent you some visual aids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, yeah.

[Emory]

One. One big concern here is, to be honest, not even my house. The health of these boys I don't know if you guys are seeing the video of the window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're dehydrated. Yeah.

[Emory]

Do you see how sticky that is?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super yellow. And that's going.

[Emory]

They're aiming for our windows, specifically.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Mateo]

They're like.

[Jake Johnson]

They're pissing on the windows on purpose?

[Emory]

On purpose? Yeah, they're aiming. It's a game for them. I put up a sign that said, stop peeing on the windows. You're gross. And then they just started aiming for the sign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, God. This is a lot more complicated than I thought at first.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy cow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We're just like. We're gross from the get, but college us is the grossest. That's what you have to understand.

[Jake Johnson]

Put an us in this. Maybe you're part of this. I'm not connecting with peeing on a neighbor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't go peeing in the pink. You pink house guys don't pee.

[Jake Johnson]

If I was. If I was a freshman boy and I lived next to a house of six junior girls, I'm not pissing on their.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's definitely not what I'm doing.

[Jake Johnson]

That is not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm trying to get over there to hang out 100. I'm trying.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm trying. I want them to think I'm cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I'm hydrating. Way better.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So. Emery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

These freshman boys go on the roof, they get drunk, and they piss on your house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[Emory]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Have you. We had any confrontation with him besides the sign?

[Emory]

Okay, There have been a few instances of confrontation. One of them was when we were all outside and we saw him emerge and poke his little. His little thing out the window and start peeing on our house, and we all screamed at him. Another instance happened when one of my roommates, who's actually in the car with me in case I miss anything through her window, she's the one who gets her window peed on. We. We yelled at them many a time. But the weird thing is, after the last confrontation, one of them taped, like, a piece of paper with his Snapchat up to the window like it's. It might be a flirt, which is even more off putting.

[Jake Johnson]

And this is the wildest animal kingdom I've ever heard of, by the way. If this works as a flirt, I'm lost.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does it. Doesn't. Right? No, Emery.

[Emory]

No, no, no, no. We have higher standards than that, I fear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. These guys have taken themselves. I. I could see a world where they think they're involved in a little bit of a game with you all yes. But I can't imagine thinking that this is in some way attractive.

[Jake Johnson]

I got my first pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. I got one, too. Go for it.

[Jake Johnson]

So you got six girls. So it's six. It's whatever the cost is divided by six. But I think you go to. You know what? Actually, one of our sponsors is Simply Safe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Simply say we're having the same pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

And we could maybe try to contact them through head gum and see if Simply Safe would send you guys cameras to put outside. And I would let these fools know that you're filming them and you're going to post it. And I'll tell you why. No guy. Maybe 5% of guys and 100% of ducks like the size of their dicks while peeing from a low angle shot. No, this is not a shot that you go like. I promise you, I'm more impressive. But this is what you're seeing right now, like a toilet bowls pov.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The Ann Arbor cold.

[Jake Johnson]

The Ann Arbor cold. And I would put a sign. I would put a sign that says, keep in mind, boys, it's February in Michigan. What we're seeing isn't impressive. And we are filming it. And we will post it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. That's basically what I was going to say. I was going to go fake cameras to make them just think they're being filmed. But you're right. We have a sponsor.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I'd also say, and thanks for the Snapchat. Happy to tag you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

H. Yes. Happy to. Happy to acknowledge you.

[Emory]

Happy to acknowledge you.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I'd write little. Little guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Happy to acknowledge little guy.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm assuming it's bigger in the summer. We've just seen him in the cold. Maybe be less proud of what you're showing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, the.

[Emory]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is blind faith, but that. That's what we should do. I think we, like. We'll try to connect the dots and get you a setup. I mean, we. It is very easy to use. It's. It'll be best. Yes, it'll be very.

[Jake Johnson]

To set up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It takes. It's nothing. And it. And it works. So it would be a way for you guys to just.

[Emory]

Yeah, they're gonna be.

[Jake Johnson]

They're outdoor, so they're waterproof. Yeah, they're outdoor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But thank God you came in. Jake was about to hammer me so hard.

[Jake Johnson]

I was. I. I was. But here's the thing, Emery. We're gonna contact some. If it's not that, then just get on Amazon or go to a local place and get a cheap security camera.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can get fakes, not fakes. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you're talking about just scare them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, just make them be like, I can't piss out there.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm talking about, you have six girls. What's one of these cameras gonna cost? 129 bucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

Divided by six ladies one night. Don't go out drinking and eating wings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How much is that? 129 divided. Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

About 20. About 25. 26, 27, 28. $30.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, $21.

[Emory]

We could probably do that.

[Jake Johnson]

$21. You're not thinking about tax, Rob. You're not thinking of tax, Baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake was doing the Michigan Tax Edition.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I went to Iowa. University of Iowa. It's a different game out there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on, now.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emory, what do you think of a note from within the window that's saying, letting them know that in the winter, they should know that everything shrinks. You're filming it and you will be posting this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Emory]

I think this is good. I think this might put a stop to their. Their shenanigans.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Emory]

I'm gonna implement the note as soon as I get home.

[Jake Johnson]

It's really bad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wouldn't do the note yet. I would get the cameras up. I would get the cameras up. Let.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you could do. You could do it in stages, Garrett, with. You could say. You would. You could do the note and saying, we are getting a camera installed. If you guys know this keeps going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We.

[Jake Johnson]

We. You leave us no choice. We have to do this. I think wanted for a big battle with you guys. We just don't want our windows pissed on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Yeah, I would.

[Jake Johnson]

This is gross.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would. I would go with the kid. It's so yellow. It's like a vitamin piss. I would start with the. Get the cameras up first. That's what I would do. Just because then it seems like, look, this party's over right away.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's. Here's B. Because I think A's are winner take a dump on their door.

[Emory]

That's been the plan B for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me tell you this as a guy, guys think they're crazy. You know what? You could also do tampons.

[Natalie]

Okay.

[Emory]

That's the other thing. I'm an art major, so I just have gallons of fake blood laying around for no reason. So we were gonna do the tampons.

[Jake Johnson]

I would. I would say our cycle synced, but I would say if I'm a guy and I think I'm a legend, I'm an Ann Arbor dude in the Lions Rule. And dude, I Hate Harbaugh. And our lives rule. We're drinking so much beer in college rules. And it's so funny. Dude, Trevor pissed on this girl's window, dude. It's hilarious. And then I saw six bloody tampons on my door. I'd be like, like, I want to move back into my mother's house. And I'm. I am scared.

[Emory]

That might be the tr.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a boy. I'm a little boy. It's going to be cold and they'll go like. And if I also knew, like, a 20 year old woman took a dump on, like, she pooed. She. I hate this. I wasn't even positive girls did that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And boy, how do they.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And that's an enormous dump up. And then you go, like, held this in for 18 hours for you guys.

[Emory]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I think I like the tampon thing because unrelated to any of this, for us, there is actually a pile of human poop on their front lawn right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Ew.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? What did you tell.

[Emory]

They have bigger fish to fry right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about? They're these guys in their yard.

[Emory]

I don't have a toilet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this an issue with the toilet?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, it's a fraternity house.

[Emory]

They pee out of the window. That they pee out of is the bathroom. They pee out of the bathroom window.

[Bryce]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Emory]

There's. There's no rhyme or reason to any of this.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, well, the rhyme or reason of peeing out the window is they're fudgeing drug. And literally the toilet might be clogged is what started it. And they're so beer drunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, this call.

[Emory]

I could be out the window. I would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This call started with me being like, man, those are the good old days. And now I'm like, thank God I have a place with plumbing. And this is not an issue. I'm dealing.

[Jake Johnson]

But by the way, Emma, you said something interesting. You said if I could pee out the window, I would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy.

[Emory]

Well, do you want to get into this?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Emory]

Every girl wishes that they could pee out a window. I think.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you know what to do. You could pee in a cup and throw it out the window.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a thing called.

[Emory]

Another thing we're thinking of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a thing called it's not a competition. There's a thing called the shewee, which is like a thing that women can pee in on the fly. Like, men have the advantage, obviously. You could go that route. I would tear. If I were you, I would tear them like this. I would do cameras. A, I would do B tampons, which is just wild. And then see, I would just engage in the piss war. That's what I would do.

[Emory]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What would you order to be Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

I would do a camera with a note. But I wouldn't do the note. That's like a game. And I'll tell you why an 18 year old in college has nothing to do you guys. It's like one class in a day and a lot of these kids don't work. So it's like, oh, is this the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the shiwi.

[Jake Johnson]

So the. She was a real option. Although the P is going to be so disappointing. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, it sort of looks like a comedian Del Arte knows.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's gonna just dribble down. So I would be. Now Emory, let me ask you this. If you guys and them get in a battle, is that fun for you guys or annoying for you guys?

[Emory]

That's fun for us. We're all seniors, we're graduating.

[Jake Johnson]

So that's what I would be like. This would give you guys. It would be kind of entertaining.

[Emory]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So then I want a P. War.

[Jake Johnson]

So then I would do a note, I would do a can. I would do the camera and I would consider. If you want a war, start off one. Peeing cups and throw it out the window at them. Two.

[Emory]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Put the tampons at both of their. Their front door and their back door.

[Emory]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And say you want to have an out. Gross off. Guys, you're dealing with 22 year old ladies.

[Emory]

I think I like this. I think our number one might be the tampon.

[Jake Johnson]

Really? You're going to start with tampons?

[Emory]

What do you think, Emma?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think tampons.

[Emory]

Yeah, we think we might just instant.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. From Emma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Emma, real quick to go onto the tampon.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm imagining her smoking a cigar cut in half and she just instantly goes yeah, we're gonna go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And she crushes a beer on her forehead.

[Emory]

Yeah, yeah. Wait, here's the thing. I'm the roommate. Is this was a nice alarm. First semester. First semester it was a stream on my window and it was somewhat pleasant to wake up to before it was freezing. So am I screwed out of my alarm again?

[Jake Johnson]

Look, I'm sure if you said to them we like it, those guys will happily pee on your window to wake up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Be careful. You're dealing with the males. And as two of them don't over.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but don't forget how crazy the females are. Well, listen, what I like senior College. Here's some wild women.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's the advantage in the fluid war. You all have a gear. The guys don't. So if you do want to go the tampon route, it really is. This will have an impact. Yes, it really will.

[Emory]

Like, that's gonna. That's gonna end the game.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emery. Or. Or it's going to turn it into a war.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or they're gonna start bloodletting themselves.

[Emory]

It could get worse. They are on their lawn.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it will get worse, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Inexcusable.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Emory, Emma, we've given you guys some pretty solid pitches. Walk us through what you're going to do to handle this problem.

[Emory]

Okay, so what we're gonna do is it's actually been semi nice out for the past week, but it's definitely gonna get freezing again. We're gonna wait for it to get freezing again, and then we're gonna equip the tampons with the fake blood. They have a really nice front porch. We could freeze them to the porch. They have string lights going around their house. You could tie them to the string lights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, great.

[Emory]

Yeah, yeah. They're asking for it, but yeah, no, like, we. Now that tampon plan is a go, we're gonna go for it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. So then follow up. Yeah, follow up with us. What happens after, and then we'll talk about the camera as plan B if we need it.

[Emory]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna be honest. I think Simply Safe might have just dropped off of the plan a little bit based on our plan A. But we had him. We had him on the line for a minute, but I do think they've kind of moved away from the project.

[Jake Johnson]

We go. We go tampon. And then you guys call us back and let us know what happened.

[Emory]

All right, Sounds good.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Emory, Emma, go on, you wild animals.

[Emory]

We'll do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Holy. Holy gross.

[Jake Johnson]

Very happy not to be in college. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by booking dot com. Booking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Is sponsored by Squarespace. You guys all know what Squarespace is. It's the easiest way to create a great website. And I might create a Squarespace website about Lamar Morris and Kyle from the Morning after podcast because they're, you know, they're coming after us and we haven't done anything wrong. We're the innocents and they're the bullies. But we will defend ourselves. With the help of Squarespace, we will make a website to defend ourselves.

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Natalie]

Hey, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. Welcome back to the show. Yeah, so Gareth and I are in the dark here, so could you tell us who this is and what your first call was?

[Natalie]

Yes, this is Mateo. I called you guys about the whole duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yes, the duck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. You are. This call was so, so funny. This call was funny before the penis got involved.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the penis got involved.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Matteo, walk us through what your problem was again. I think this was episode one, season two, so it's an easy listen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But walk us through what the problem was, what our solution was, and then what you did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our solutions were madness. Yeah.

[Emory]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

So I live in an apartment complex, and my problem was that I got really close with this duck that lived on the property because I gave him a cookie and he turned out to just be crazy. And it kind of became a little too much. And now I had this duck that was, like, too attached to me and would. And would chase me every time I would leave the apartment. He would climb into people's cars and stuff and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo, remind me of the penis thing again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, here we go. Catchphrase.

[Natalie]

Yes. Ducks have a 9 inch corkscrew penis that looks like pasta and it's really scary.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I did not know it was nine inches.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. How big's the whole duck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

12 inches. Yeah, duck's 12, 13 inches.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, just built. Just by the way. Built, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, just a 9 inch.

[Jake Johnson]

5. 10. My dick is 4 foot, 3 inches. What a fantasy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got duck proportion. Yeah. I mean, is it a fantasy or is that a living night?

[Jake Johnson]

Portions is a great comment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

4 a 4 foot.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, I might be short and ugly, but I got dark proportions, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got duck.

[Jake Johnson]

My duck's almost as long as me, baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, meductic. Okay, so, and what were our pitch? We had a bunch of wild pitches. I don't remember what we landed on.

[Natalie]

Yes, you guys had two really great pitches, which were that I should get a taxidermy duck. And then I should build a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or.

[Natalie]

Or not build, but I should get a duck costume and kind of be like a really bigger, you know, duck.

[Jake Johnson]

The issue was to intimidate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. When you walked from your car to your apartment, the duck would really engage with you. It fly, it would get on your shoulder, it would show you its penis. And so we were right either for that walk.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds like this is how Gareth courts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People wear the duck costume with the costume is not going to stop, you wear the duck costume or have a taxidermy duck. Like, you're already spoken for in Duck World or something, right? Yes.

[Emory]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Mateo, what'd you do?

[Natalie]

Yeah, okay, so I got a. It wasn't a Texas thermody duck, but I got a very, like, realistic looking duck statue.

[Jake Johnson]

You really did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I put it out.

[Natalie]

And I put it out, like, on. On my porch. And I do want to add that I had each and every intention of obtaining a duck costume, but when I called, it was, like, really close to, like, Christmas, so there was just, like, a whole, you know, kind of stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, sorry, I don't understand.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't understand why Christmas would have an issue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's our busy season for the ducks.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought you were gonna say no because.

[Natalie]

Well, because there's a ton of stuff going on, and then, you know, it's tough to get, like, packages because everything is, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I got you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You were ordering. Okay, gotcha, gotcha. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, I was with you, Gary.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I still am a little iffy, but I'm letting him go. Yeah, still a little bit strange.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't have to happen to. For Christmas Day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's what. As I was going.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like, there's really not a heart. Like, come on. Otherwise, Christmas.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I get it, but, you know, the Christmas season.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So obviously you got before Christmas, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the way people on Follow Ups could tell us. They didn't take our idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The thing you pitch. But then with the holiday season coming up, I decided to just do my own thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A great way to let us down softly is from now and be like, I want to do your pitch. But it was a holiday season, so what I ended up doing was.

[Jake Johnson]

And then for now on, let's make a rule. If they say that we just go. That makes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We let them go. We got.

[Jake Johnson]

That makes sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is the busy time of year.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Mat. So you were gonna do the duck costume, but the holiday season. So what you do?

[Natalie]

Yeah, so I did get a duck statue.

[Bryce]

Okay.

[Natalie]

And I did see results. And I'll be honest, I have a few mixed emotions.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Before we get to your emotional state, you got a duck statue and you put it outside your door.

[Natalie]

Yes, I put it, like, on our porch. And he would like to climb up there. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And so the duck saw this and has stopped coming around.

[Natalie]

Gandalf is gone. I think it worked a little.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, Mateo. Before we get to the. The reaction to the result, which I understand is heavy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

This was what the call was about, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a bell ring. It's a bell ring.

[Jake Johnson]

We're gonna deal with the next thing next. But right now, you said you were having a duck whose weird little dick was scaring you, and we got rid of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whose dick you calling little? Two thirds of the duck size.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. His big little cork is big. I just always want to say little with dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, I. I understand. That's humor, human. But this duck had a nine inch.

[Jake Johnson]

His big old pasta dick. Yeah, but Mateo, the statue actually psychologically worked with the duck. The duck came to attack. You saw another one and went like. He moved on.

[Natalie]

It did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Wow. Wow. I did not expect that to work, actually. No, like all of our pitches, you know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I literally might do because of this? We have raccoons that come in our backyard and eat my outdoor cat's food. I might get a fake raccoon. I might start with a raccoon outfit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, though, because of the holiday season.

[Jake Johnson]

But if you. The new pitch, if you do a Mateo, means you just get the thing that looks like the thing and put.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It in a statue of your problem.

[Jake Johnson]

I might. You get a statue of your problem as the Mateo. I might Mateo the raccoon and see what happens. All right, so, Mateo, but Mateo, the idea worked. And where. Yes, that.

[Natalie]

Yeah, okay. I think I feel a little bit of regret. Like, I kind of miss my duck buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome to every breakup I've ever had. My king.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's always greener.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a Mateo, this lady, and once I have, I go, like, what a mistake I've made. So she was mean to me, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Built a statue of Sheila. Now she's gone.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's this? Who's this barfly outside of Jake's apartment door? So she's the new Sheila. Get lost.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, this is awkward. I guess the cat's out of the bag.

[Jake Johnson]

Mind. My Sheila would be smoking a Parliament Light cigarette, being a black miniskirt, have some scratchers in one hand, duck penis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Coming out of the dress.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Mateo, you missed the duck, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well.

[Natalie]

And so I did talk to a few people. A few people that are on my property. There's a guy that lives directly below me that would give bread and, like, grain to them, and he says that a few ducks got actually hit by a car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Natalie]

Maybe that was Gandalf. Maybe not.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Bell's getting rung Anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but hold on, hold on. A car hit multiple ducks?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's strange Christmas logic. Yeah, well, yeah, it was a holiday because.

[Natalie]

Because we've got, like, more than, like, 20 ducks, like, on this, like, property, and we live, like, right next to US Pond. So.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think.

[Natalie]

I think it's just, like, there's just like, a ten of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's.

[Jake Johnson]

So there's. There's a chance that Gandalf has been murdered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think it was a. You think it was premeditated if one.

[Jake Johnson]

Car hit multiple ducks? Ducks aren't. They're not. Like the ducks were tied down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's true.

[Jake Johnson]

I could see one duck get hit. The other ones can literally fly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's strange. It's. Yeah, it's strange, Mateo.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what. Here's my pitch. Now I'm investing. Now I care. You've pulled me into this weird world of yours. We gotta get to the bottom of what happened with Gandalf.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

You gotta start going up. Yeah. You gotta go out there. Those little vanilla wafers.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we gotta find them. The. The cookie you gave him in the first place was a vanilla wafer, Am I right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, it was.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good job. Good pull.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I remember that because that was wild.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was wild. It's a crazy instinct. No doubt.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think you got to start going down by the water and just leave a couple vanilla wafers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're talking about wafering the yard.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm talking about wafer in the yard. Because what I want is Gandalf to smell it and go like, I do, too. Son of a bitch wants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want you to take a little time to go out there, wait for it. Stand there?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, we do have devices that call ducks. You could get a duck calling device and you could stand out there.

[Natalie]

Cross my mind before that's.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start using that. See if we can maybe bring Gandalf back if he's still out there.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we do. I think emotionally, Matteo, you gotta know if you're. If your guy's still there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Get closure. And then I would try to strike up a bond with another duck if it.

[Jake Johnson]

If you don't do that to Gandalf, it's too soon. What are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not saying right now. It's a holiday season. I'm just saying when you feel like you can get back out there again.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but it's just. To where. This is crazy early, Gary, with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. I'm Ready to move on.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but emotionally, you don't deal with anything. You just go from one Gandalf to the next. We're trying to process the loss.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right? Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

What, are you gonna run away from a bachelor?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This isn't about me. Bite G. Bite through your tongue right now.

[Natalie]

Yes, it's, it's, it's true that there are plenty of ducks in the pond.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, like, exactly no deer.

[Natalie]

And I saw a bunch of ducks just kind of playing in the snow, and it just made me think, like, man, like, I wish, you know, Gandalf.

[Jake Johnson]

Was like, here, hold on, Mateo. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. You made a big mistake, okay? You didn't realize how good you had it. We called into a podcast of two of the smartest guys in the world at dealing with the dumbest problems in the world. We told you to Mateo the situation, and it worked. Work. And then you woke up and you go, what a up. So now this is not a follow up. This is a second call. It's how do I get my love back?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And the way you get your love back is one, you admit you made a mistake. Two, who cares if when you're walking to your apartment, to your, your car, if you get attacked, that's part of the relationship you're in. You're in a weird relationship, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, you picked a weird duck.

[Natalie]

I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I mean, I, I think he's right. I, I, My favorite part is obviously when Jake said you made mistake and you took our advice, but I, I think that, I think that's what you should do. I mean, I think you should get, start with the wafers. Get a duck caller, go out collar for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I think duck collar number one, try.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To get him back.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I say get the duck collar, then go out there with wafers after you do it. Get every duck in the community and just start looking around if there's, if Gandalf is back, you know, you got to earn back his trust. I remember this duck. This was a very funky looking creature that probably got bullied if we remembered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it's that size.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe he got his feelings hurt at Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are we above putting a flyer on a tree or two asking if you've seen this duck? Yeah. I mean, you look at it, he's got turkey eyes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I would, what a beauty.

[Jake Johnson]

I would put flyers up around. Have you seen Gandalf? Fractured relationship with him. Looking to mend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then I'll emails a description, red eyes Penis, two thirds of his body.

[Jake Johnson]

Or you could just put a photo up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, that's a photo. And then maybe a description just to let people know about.

[Jake Johnson]

I wouldn't talk about his big duck dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I would. I would. That's where Jake and I are obviously splitting. But I would bring up the penis in the flyer.

[Jake Johnson]

I wouldn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe a little thing where people could tear the. Hold on. Maybe a thing where people could tear.

[Jake Johnson]

The number off and you just touched.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

And I see. Have you seen my duck? It's got a great big dick. I'm not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't do that.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's not what I'm pitching, though. I'm saying, Ms. Missing Gandalf, world's greatest duck. Didn't know how good I had it. Parentheses, holiday season, inch dick. If. No, I'm not done. If seen, please call. You put the number there. So. Or email, so people get in touch with you. You'll know it's him. He's got big old turkey eyes, some miscoloring around the bill, and a penis that you could see from space face.

[Jake Johnson]

I wouldn't do that. Because if I see that corkscrew, I'm not giving the number. I'm not calling and saying, duck with the big dick. I'm keeping the duck to the email. Oh, you think you're gonna have 15 people trying to kidnap the duck? That's like saying, I got a lost dog. It's full of gold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually don't think that's a one to one, but I appreciate how proud you are, Mateo.

[Jake Johnson]

I think what you gotta do. I think Gareth is right. Put some flyers up, get a duck collar, get those vanilla wafers, and let's get Gandalf home. And then call us back. Let us know with an update on this one. This is a big one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a big one.

[Jake Johnson]

And then hopefully what's going to happen is. What I think is going to happen, because I've got a lot of experience in these kind of relationships, is you guys are going to get back together and then he's going to start being terrible to you again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And you're going to come back and.

[Jake Johnson]

Then we'll find you, we'll get you out of the situation, and if it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A sad story, we'll never take a call again. And people forget about it. Thanks so much, Mateo. Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Natalie]

Yeah, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Take it easy. Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

I love the saga.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Unreal.

[Jake Johnson]

I love the. I do have a little video that he sent over. Oh, Gosh, that's it.

[Bryce]

This is the story of my encounters with Gandalf the Duck. I will start at the beginning. We named him Gandalf because when we found him, he was blocking the stairs to our apartment. And it wasn't easy to pass assassin. But after doing some research, I found out that winducks wag their tails like this. It means that they like you. And so I found myself constantly stepping out of my apartment to take a peek at him, or I take a break from work and go out and sit with him for five or 10 minutes. And he just had this really goofy, quirky personality that I felt drawn to in a way, if that makes any sense. And I could tell that he was slowly becoming more and more comfortable with me to the point that I was actually very surprised to hear quacking right outside my front door.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't come in. Oh, my Lord.

[Bryce]

Now this, I felt, was a turning point for me and Gandalf because since I work from home, I got to sit outside with him for about 45 minutes to one hour and just hang out. I'm a photographer and videographer, and so it was really chill to just go outside and sit with Gandalf and have a really nice afternoon with him. It was not long after this that he was extremely comfortable, not only coming up to me, but climbing on top of me and just chilling with me to the point that I actually felt comfortable and confident enough to pick him up.

[Jake Johnson]

I picked him up.

[Bryce]

And after that, the next few months were great. I had this little duck buddy that was excited to see me every single day and would just climb on me and hang with me. And my neighbors were so astonished that I could pick him up, and he was so chill with it and just as cool as he was. And it was a really great relationship. But then it went a little too far. It did get to the point that Gandalf was too attached. And when I was just trying to walk my dog so that they could do their business, he would latch onto my pants and not let go. And then Gandalf became extremely comfortable with my friends that would come over. And at first they didn't mind the pecking, but it became a little excessive and a bit aggressive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Bryce]

To the point that when they were leaving, he would try and climb into their car with them until I came down to lure him away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Bryce]

And then there was the incident. As I'm sure everyone who has the Internet knows ducks have a nine inch corkscrew piece. And unfortunately, one late Night hangout with Gandalf got him a little too excited.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Bryce]

The sense of betrayal was immeasurable. My duck buddy turned out to be a duck Diddy. After that, it just wasn't the same. I started avoiding Gandalf. But he would find me. He would find me while I was walking my dog. He'd wait for me outside my door. He knew where I lived. I knew there was only one solution. To call these guys and ask them for help. And that's exactly what I did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

That video is incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy.

[Jake Johnson]

I might be one of our. Mateo's a star.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is amazing. That is. That's a lot. Yeah, that was a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so we're gonna figure out what happens next in this saga. Please, let's. We gotta figure out what happens in the third thing. I'm dying to. I don't think. I don't think Gandalf got hit by a car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't?

[Jake Johnson]

No, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I hope you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

You think he did? Rob, I think he's dead. Yeah, you do?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think Gandalf's gone too.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't believe it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love. I love that there's hope. I want. I want Gandalf to return. Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, what a cre. He's dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. What? What do you mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Natalie, get on the mic. You can't comment in the chat. Get on the mic.

[Mateo]

He's. He's probably dead. And he wouldn't have. He wouldn't have died if you hadn't told him to get a fake duck. So he was scared away from the porch.

[Jake Johnson]

His place of safet. Natalie, hold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Natalie. Natalie only. Why don't go on. Mike. Only in the chat.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, your first contribution of the show is saying that we killed one of our loved ones.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what Natalie wrote in the chat. He's dead. And he wouldn't be if you hadn't scared him away. New line with the fake duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Natalie, welcome to the God damn show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

But also I. I'm not positive of that because here's all we need know is the. The thing worked. You know, but also, let's be honest, Gandalf was getting out of control.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. Now Jake's. Now Jake's doing the needed to get.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I didn't. I don't want Gandalf dead. But let's be honest, that relationship started really nice. Then Gandalf started following him to his car. Then Gand started attacking friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Getting has any idea. Five minutes after he hung up, we're still talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

He's gonna. When he hears it. Cuz all this is going to be included in the followup, which we can't end early on this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's too much. But I think. Look.

[Jake Johnson]

But I really don't believe he's dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think there's hope. I think there's hope.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's go around for a vote. Rob, I think he's dead. Natalie, he's dead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We know what Natalie's voted. Natalie didn't need to vote. Here's. Here's what I think, Jake. I think. I think dead. But it's strange that 10 ducks.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are gone at once. There is a thing called migration that could be a part of this.

[Jake Johnson]

You're damn right it is January.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's Jan. It's the holiday season.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we. I'm going to go with. We are going to find out in a call in probably six weeks that he's returned.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go. It's exciting. I hope so. But I do too. The only person who hopes that he's dead is Natalie. She's very. With the language she's laying down. It's very obvious she wants.

[Jake Johnson]

But I also think there's a. I think there's a chance right now Gandalf is showing that big old dick to somebody else and attacking somebody. I think he just moved out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He might be trying to make Mato J jealous. I mean, when you've got a penis that size.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but that was like an amazing video. When all of a sudden, like, you know, because it did rise. It was escalating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we say real quick before we go, favorite part of the video? I have mine. When he showed the size of the duck penis.

[Jake Johnson]

We know that was your favorite part. That's the most. That's like saying my favorite part of the Oreos. The cream in the middle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. It's the most delicious part. I'm gonna give a more nuanced answer than. Yeah, the dick was the best part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course. Okay, well. Oh, God. What's yours, Professor? Sir?

[Jake Johnson]

Probably the building of the relationship. The sweetness of the first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, this whole. This is over.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth's favorite part of the porno was the dick cares, man. You know, story that matter.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When they had sex with each other.

[Jake Johnson]

And you saw when they finished. I liked when they finished.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I liked it. Yeah. In the middle.

[Jake Johnson]

We're done with this call. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Bryce]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chris theme song by Oliver Raleigh the COVID artwork is by James Fosdike animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Mateo]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.