153: Two Lawyers and a Doctor & PFF (with Katie Nolan)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 153: Two Lawyers and a Doctor & PFF (with Katie Nolan)

Introduction In Episode 153 of We're Here to Help, hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds from Headgum, the dynamic duo welcomes special guest Katie Nolan from the podcast Casuals. Known for their humorous takes and genuine attempts to assist callers with a spectrum of issues, this episode delves into two unique problems presented by their listeners: one involving familial boundaries and the other centered around workplace sportsmanship.

First Call: Erica's Dilemma with Sister Sally Timestamp: [17:09] – [27:29]

Erica from Eugene, Oregon, calls in seeking advice on how to address her sister Sally's persistent use of her home as a personal bathroom. Erica explains that Sally and her husband refrain from using restroom facilities in front of each other, leading Sally to frequently stop by Erica's house to relieve herself. This repeated intrusion becomes increasingly inconvenient for Erica, who works from home and shares a single bathroom with her husband.

Discussions & Insights:

• Katie Nolan’s Perspective: Katie empathizes with Erica's frustration, humorously suggesting that Sally shouldn’t feel the need to resort to Erica's home for such needs.

• Advice Pitches:

  • Renovation Ruse: Jake and Katie propose that Erica fake a bathroom renovation using painter's tape to deter Sally's visits. Jake Johnson humorously notes, “[04:31] It's a lot of, so this diet is draining.”

  • Blackmail Tactics: Katie suggests setting up a group text with Sally and her husband to monitor her bathroom visits, implying that recordings of Sally's bathroom activities could be shared to discourage her from using Erica's space. Erica expresses interest in this approach, highlighting her willingness to leverage any means necessary to resolve the issue.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson: “[27:04] I like where this is going.”
• Katie Nolan: “[27:29] So, Erica, please follow up with us on this one. Very curious how it goes.”

Second Call: Alex’s Floor Hockey Conundrum Timestamp: [44:58] – [83:03]

Later in the episode, Alex, a 27-year-old from a small Mid-Atlantic town, brings up his struggle with self-assessing his floor hockey skills compared to his coworker Jack. Alex feels conflicted about his performance, sometimes excelling and other times feeling inadequate. His main issue stems from Jack's perception of being a consistently superior player, which undermines Alex’s confidence.

Discussions & Insights:

• Katie Nolan’s Analytical Approach: Katie guides the conversation towards establishing an objective ranking system for the floor hockey league. She draws parallels to Pro Football Focus (PFF) rankings, suggesting that an anonymous survey could provide clarity.

• Advice Pitches:

  • Anonymous Ranking Survey: The team collaborates to draft an email requesting all league members to anonymously rank Alex and Jack based on predefined criteria such as scoring, defense, court vision, teamwork, and overall impact. This method aims to eliminate bias and provide an accurate reflection of both players' standings.

  • Potential Outcomes: Depending on the survey results, Katie and the hosts discuss the possibility of Alex and Jack acknowledging each other's strengths or arranging friendly matches to validate the rankings.

Notable Quotes:

• Katie Nolan: “[58:44] We're writing you from our podcast. We're here to help.”
• Jake Johnson: “[75:20] Alex, I’m hurt. I'll be honest.”

Conclusions & Future Plans The episode concludes with Erica and Alex expressing their appreciation for the advice, emphasizing their intent to implement the suggested strategies. Katie Nolan, alongside the hosts, remains committed to following up on these cases, promising to support their listeners in navigating their personal challenges.

Key Takeaways:

• Boundary Setting: Erica’s case underscores the importance of setting clear boundaries with family members to maintain personal space and comfort.

• Objective Assessment: Alex’s situation highlights the value of objective evaluations in resolving personal insecurities and workplace rivalries.

Final Thoughts We're Here to Help Episode 153 masterfully blends humor with practical advice, showcasing Jake, Gareth, and Katie’s ability to tackle diverse problems with wit and empathy. Whether it's managing intrusive family behavior or navigating competitive sports dynamics, the hosts provide thoughtful solutions that listeners can adapt to their own lives.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Jake Johnson: “[27:04] I like where this is going.”
• Katie Nolan: “[58:44] We're writing you from our podcast. We're here to help.”
• Jake Johnson: “[75:20] Alex, I’m hurt. I'll be honest.”

Relevant Sections Skipped:

• Advertisements: Detailed promos for Audible, Bombas, Booking.com, Alma, Angry Orchard, and Squarespace were omitted to maintain focus on the core content.

• Intros & Outros: The repetitive greetings and standard podcast closings were excluded to streamline the summary.

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of Episode 153, providing a clear overview of the main discussions, insights, and humorous exchanges that define this installment of We're Here to Help. Whether you're grappling with family boundaries or workplace competitiveness, the advice dispensed by Jake, Gareth, and Katie offers valuable perspectives applicable to various scenarios.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Katie Nolan]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Katie Nolan]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Katie Nolan]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Katie Nolan]

Use code wondry at checkout. And we are back. We've got a fun show today. We've got the hilarious. Katie Nolan is joining us, man, from the podcast casuals.

[Jack]

And it has to be, I think we say, even with edits, I would imagine it's the longest call we've had with a caller. It is a.

[Katie Nolan]

It was a long one.

[Jack]

It's a. It's a lot.

[Katie Nolan]

One of the ones with.

[Jack]

It's probably our first five person call.

[Katie Nolan]

Maybe.

[Jack]

Maybe I'm wrong.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Alex]

I don't know.

[Katie Nolan]

It's a. It's a really fun one. She's incredibly funny. I met her years ago when she was doing some show in Austin.

[Jack]

She's great.

[Katie Nolan]

We're big fans, we're really excited she has a show. She kills it. This is really fun too. We were just doing something together for Patreon. A big, big fun Steve Berg thing on the side. And then we did. Right as we were saying goodbye, Gareth told me something now.

[Jack]

Well, and we thought it could be some fodder. I. Well, I'm on a crazy, crazy diet for eight days and man, what is it? It is no boo. I don't smoke weed, but snow weed. No booze.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

No caffeine.

[Katie Nolan]

How often do you drink these days?

[Jack]

It varies. Not that much, but like a couple times a week at most.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. So that's not a huge one.

[Jack]

Not a huge one, but. But it's as. I'm not doing it. I'm like. That'd be nice.

[Katie Nolan]

I had a couple drinks the other night for the first time. I went to the Lakers game with Lamorne.

[Jack]

Oh, yeah, that's right.

[Katie Nolan]

We're gonn celebrate Max Greenfield on a show. And then he got sick and we were just hanging out and they had a whole bar headed. Tequila. It was my first drink and I think a month and a half. Holy. Do you know who we hung out with was the workaholic guys.

[Jack]

Oh, nice. They're great guys.

[Katie Nolan]

I love those dudes.

[Jack]

They're great guys.

[Katie Nolan]

All right, so keep going. Where were you?

[Jack]

So no booze, no caffeine, no sugar. No caffeine, no sugar, no salt.

[Katie Nolan]

What can you eat?

[Jack]

It's very limited.

[Katie Nolan]

What are you eating?

[Jack]

I'm eating eggs, proteins and eggs, Eggs, vegetables. But not all vegetables, like root vegetables or green vegetables.

[Katie Nolan]

Are you just creating stir fries?

[Jack]

It's a lot of stir fries, right? I could have white rice.

[Katie Nolan]

Are you. It's all you doing this for?

[Jack]

I'm doing this to prepare myself for a, you know, a session of some ayahuasca. That's the one.

[Katie Nolan]

Is that it?

[Jack]

Yeah, that is.

[Katie Nolan]

How many times have you done ayahuasca?

[Jack]

Oh, buddy.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Jack]

A good amount, probably. Probably about. This will probably be seven or eight, I would guess.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, you. You've told me this once, but will you walk me through what that experience is like? The only thing you do is you feel like you felt your version of God.

[Jack]

It's very difficult to cliff note because it is. It is a wild ride, actually. I remember right after I first did it, you and I went on a hike. Yes, but it's really. I mean, first of all, the diet leading up to it is. Is obviously crazy because it's a little difficult on your body. I think everybody's always like everybody. All they ever hear about ayahuasca is that you poop your pants. Everybody that's out there in the world.

[Katie Nolan]

Throw up a lot.

[Jack]

You throw up your poopy pants, but you don't.

[Katie Nolan]

You're doing it. Are you doing it here in the States? Are you going to Central America?

[Jack]

I will not reveal that answer.

[Katie Nolan]

How come?

[Jack]

Because I just put. To preserve the secrecy of whoever's overseeing it.

[Katie Nolan]

Why? This is going to cut. What are you talking about?

[Jack]

Fine, America.

[Katie Nolan]

Why? Get all secret. Like the mystery there is strange. No, no.

[Jack]

I don't know that. You just keep it on the deal. You keep it on the deal.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, really?

[Jack]

Yeah. I think the people who are.

[Katie Nolan]

Do me this favor then. We're not revealing any names. We're no gps. If it's secretive, how does it happen? The shaman sends a text.

[Jack]

It's not a very. It's. I'm not even going to answer that.

[Katie Nolan]

Why? This isn't giving anything away. It's just letting people.

[Jack]

Yeah, there's. There's emails and texts and so.

[Katie Nolan]

But like.

[Jack]

But we have an established relationship.

[Katie Nolan]

But how does that happen? The shaman says, like, I'm going to be. I reach out area.

[Jack]

No, I reach out.

[Erica]

I go.

[Jack]

I want to do it. I have a break. I want to do it.

[Katie Nolan]

And he goes. Or she goes. Or they goes.

[Jack]

Or we goes.

[Katie Nolan]

Or we goes. Sounds good. How about this day?

[Jack]

Yep.

[Katie Nolan]

And you go. Sounds good.

[Jack]

Yep.

[Katie Nolan]

Do the eight day.

[Jack]

Just regular plans.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Then you do that. Well, yeah, you could do it up to two weeks. You're supposed to do at seven.

[Katie Nolan]

How many people are going to be at the ceremony?

[Jack]

Very few.

[Katie Nolan]

How many are mostly Adam.

[Jack]

Normally it's small. Keep it small.

[Katie Nolan]

You can do 10 small, two to three.

[Jack]

Like people, you know.

[Katie Nolan]

You're doing it with people, you know.

[Jack]

Yeah, but I have done bigger ones. Where it's a bunch of people.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes, that's what.

[Jack]

It doesn't matter.

[Katie Nolan]

I've seen video of the bigger ones.

[Jack]

The bigger ones are interesting too, because by the end of the night, you're all like, buddy, you're everyone's Eric Edelsteining. Everyone's like, brother, brother.

[Katie Nolan]

Felt closer to you.

[Jake Johnson]

Brother.

[Jack]

Yeah, brother, brothers. Like a hundred people just hugging and chatting. Brother.

[Katie Nolan]

So just. Just because I saw some show about a guy who does this in Kentucky as a form of getting off drugs.

[Jack]

Yeah, yeah. Right. Yep.

[Katie Nolan]

So it was on Vice for a while. It's pretty fun show.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

So you've done seven with the same shaman?

[Jack]

No, different.

[Katie Nolan]

A couple different shaman.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

And so how many have you done with this shaman?

[Jack]

This will be five, maybe.

[Katie Nolan]

And what makes. Is the shaman's job to walk you through it is what makes the shaman good. The drink.

[Jack]

It's a very spiritual event and. No, it isn't. It's. I mean, that it's important, but that seems to be pretty consistent. You know, it's just like. It's one of those. It's one of those. You can always have more situations and eventually you'll get your right Amount. It's like free tequila. And it's really to prep you. Be there if you need anything. You know, it's a long.

[Katie Nolan]

You're on your own journey.

[Jack]

Oh, there's no community aspect of this.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so the shaman is not. It's not like a guided meditation.

[Jack]

Well, in the sense that there's music that is kind of. Kind of mirroring what your experience is. And again, if you need to. If you need anything, if you need more water or you need to go to the bathroom, which does happen, they're there to help you. Do you.

[Katie Nolan]

How many times out of the seven have you gone to the bathroom in your pants?

[Jack]

Never.

[Katie Nolan]

That's a.

[Jack]

That's a. It's a propaganda's lie. Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

I have thrown up.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, of course.

[Jack]

I think when you throw up, it's great. You're not like. Nah, you're like, oh, yeah, because you're.

[Katie Nolan]

Feeling sick or you're well.

[Jack]

Because you're like. It feels like you're getting something out of you, which you are.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jack]

But it feels like you're like, leave me.

[Katie Nolan]

And what is. What is the goal?

[Jack]

You have no interest in doing something like this, do you?

[Katie Nolan]

No, not really. Yeah, I mean, I do. I'm into there. I did hypnotherapy. I'm now doing EMDR as a form of therapy.

[Jack]

Okay.

[Katie Nolan]

I don't like external things that you take and ingest.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

And everything happens fast.

[Jack]

This is not fast.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, one day.

[Jack]

Well, but it's a lot of. It is after. There's a lot of work after this.

[Katie Nolan]

It isn't just interesting.

[Jack]

It isn't just, oh, okay, that's it. You have a lot to think about after.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, a lot to think about after.

[Jack]

Like, the biggest changes I've made in my life have been off of this.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, that's interesting.

[Jack]

Like, quit smoking.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Like, there's. There's tons of things. Things. Big changes. Just in my general perspective on the world that happen. That have happened because of this. Not even within a day. You know, it's crazy. But so this diet is, like, draining. And the no coffee part of it is the part like. I went and met my brother for coffee today, and he was like. I was like, do you have any wildflower tea? My brother's like, what's happening again? I was like, I'm sorry. I got some stuff.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. I'm different. I'm down to. I've tried to cut coffee out. So I'm down to one sip a day.

[Jack]

And the reason sip a day is not human.

[Katie Nolan]

I'll tell you. I'll tell you why.

[Jack]

What's this? The. This is such a. Jake.

[Katie Nolan]

I agree. And I'm embarrassed.

[Jack]

Has anyone done that? Did you read about that, or is this yours?

[Katie Nolan]

Of course not. Of course I make up my rules.

[Jack]

How are you even making it?

[Katie Nolan]

Well, it's been a while now.

[Jack]

So you've started brew?

[Katie Nolan]

Well, it's. Well, it's a cold brew that I keep in my fridge. I didn't realize how weird it was until I was doing the movie, because I started in prep. I was like, you know what? I'm drinking too much coffee. And then when you get to set, your hours are different, and then you drink it and you're jacked up, and then you crash. And I was like. I was like, this is. I'm not into it anymore. So I'm like, so I'm gonna go none. So I went none. And then I had a day where I was playing tennis with Brad Gilbert.

[Jack]

Okay?

[Katie Nolan]

And. And that's. You know, you got to be ready for that. And I wasn't drinking coffee when I was driving out there. And I was like, my second day of quitting. I had a splitting headache.

[Jack]

So I. Headache's bad.

[Katie Nolan]

I stopped at a gas station, and I got some coffee, and then I took a huge sip just to get rid of the headache. And then I thought, throw out the rest, fat boy. Get rid of it. Let's go. So I just got rid of it, and that's what started the One Sip. But I didn't realize how weird the one sip was until I was top. No, I. I've already had this humiliating moment. I told work. They were all talking about coffee, and I was like, yeah, I'm trying to cut back. And they're like, yeah, me too. And I'm like, I just do one sip. And the look of their face, like.

[Jack]

You picture your face on a book. Like the One Sip Diet.

[Katie Nolan]

And they went, why one sip? And I go like, well, it's just what I'm doing. And they're like, you just put one sip in your mouth. Is there a measurement? I'm like, no, no, no. It's from the jug. It's. And as I was talking, I was honestly, like, I'm hoping for an earthquake. Yeah, anything to the star of the movie.

[Jack]

So people should be, like, accommodating your opinions. Like, buddy, that's crazy.

[Katie Nolan]

They were like water. And I just had to go. And then, because of my bad luck, there was no earthquake or rock flying through the window. So Then it just finished and they were like, okay. I think it was in the hair and makeup trailer and they were asking if I wanted a coffee in there. And then everyone was like, really awkward at 5:45 in the morning. I was like, okay, ladies, thank you so much. See you guys out there. Have a great day.

[Jack]

Talking about you. When you left, they were like, crazy. What's going on with him?

[Katie Nolan]

He's an idiot.

[Jack]

That's not okay.

[Katie Nolan]

Idiot. That doesn't make sense. That's not what anybody would recommend. Quit or drink it.

[Jack]

I talked about Ayahuasca for 10 minutes and the headline of this is Jake's One Sip Coffee routine.

[Katie Nolan]

I don't think so. Anyway, say the seven ayahuascas are interested.

[Jack]

It is. It is wild. It's. It's big. Once you're in, it's hard to say you're out.

[Katie Nolan]

I love it. Really fun show, everybody. I hope you enjoy it.

[Jack]

Enjoy it, everybody.

[Katie Nolan]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by booking.com booking. Yeah, I am currently planning a trip right now to Chicago and I'm using booking.com to find the hotel for me and it is making it very easy. Gareth, you use booking.com to find where you're going to stay on the road, correct?

[Jack]

I use booking.com all over this great nation of ours to find places to stay because I know I'm going to be able to find exactly what I'm looking for. So I told the story recently how I had a show just outside of. Well, I had a show in Vegas and I did not want to stay in Las Vegas. And on booking.com I found like what I think was like a five star resort in the middle of nowhere for a rate that I could not get over and just had the best time. Drove like 45 minutes after the show. I was there for two nights and just felt much more at ease than staying right down there on the Las Vegas strip. No shade. I'm just old. Not that old. Anyway, find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com booking. Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

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[Jack]

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[Katie Nolan]

The crisp, refreshing, Angry Orchard. Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about. But let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. Don't get angry at Lamorne Morris for lying, for being a cheater, a faker, a liar. Don't get mad at Lamorne Morris for not being able to finish a hike. Don't get angry at his sidekick Kyle for shaving his mustache because Lamorne bullied him. Instead, get an angry Orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed. Not getting pissed off, just having a tasty orchard.

[Jack]

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[Natalie]

Hello.

[Jack]

Hello. It's about to happen. You ready?

[Natalie]

I'm ready. I'm nervous.

[Jack]

When I'm ready, we're all nervous. Can we get your name where you're calling from? And let me ask you this, if someone gave you a fish randomly, would you take care of it or flush it down the toilet?

[Natalie]

Wow. Okay. My name is erica. I am 29, almost 30 and a week. I'm from Eugene, Oregon. If someone gave me a fish randomly.

[Katie Nolan]

Good question.

[Jack]

Actually, Gareth, it's a moral. It's immoral.

[Katie Nolan]

It kind of is. Maybe that's the direction for a while. We give, like, who are you?

[Jack]

So just so you know, this is a callback.

[Katie Nolan]

Somebody gives you a beta fish, leaves it on your desk. It's one of Those cool red ones with the big fins, they just put it in, like, a little Dixie cup. What do you do?

[Natalie]

Oh, I'm gonna keep it. That's cool.

[Jack]

Well, Erica, we're excited to dig into your problem, but as you know, we don't really have a lot of guests on so far in the second season, but when we do, we're very excited. Which brings us to our guest helper today. That's right. You get three geniuses. Katie Nolan is joining us. Thank you for being here.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for having me. Erica, happy birthday. Hi. Happy birthday. Thank you for letting me into your problems. Happy to. I'm excited to help.

[Jack]

Katie. Someone gives you a fish. Flush it. Raise it. What are you gonna do?

[Jake Johnson]

Probably raise it, but it's gonna die soon. It's not gonna last very long. I try my best, but it's, you know, they're finicky beasts.

[Jack]

Great answer. Very honest. Okay, Erica, what's going on?

[Natalie]

So my problem involves my sister, who I'm pretty close with. And really what it boils down to is that I need my sister to stop using my house as a personal safe space for her to use the bathroom or fart for many reasons, but that's the main problem. She lives across town, but her and her husband have been together for almost 15 years, and they don't fart in front of each other. They don't acknowledge that either of them poop. And so she comes to my house to do her business, and I don't.

[Katie Nolan]

I'm.

[Natalie]

I'm getting kind of tired of it.

[Katie Nolan]

Hold on. Erica. Yeah, Katie, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

How, across town. How many minutes are we talking in a car?

[Jack]

Great question.

[Natalie]

We're talking, like, 15.

[Katie Nolan]

That is legal, by the way. By the way. If she gets in the car, drives for 15 minutes, walks in your house and farts, she's the weirdest person. She could fart in the car by herself.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

If she is right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Blows a huge fart and goes like, peace. This is a pointed attack, this aggression. So when you say farts and goes to the bathroom, are you just saying, as she's, like, running to the toilet, there's farts as she goes. What level of.

[Jack]

No, it's a very valid point.

[Katie Nolan]

I'm like. Because that's a different. If somebody walked into my house and they walked in, they go, how you doing, brother? And then they farted right away.

[Jack]

I like the Hulk Hogan entrance.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. But what a boy.

[Jack]

How are you doing, brother?

[Katie Nolan]

I have a. I have a. I have a buddy who will go to the bathroom whenever he comes over.

[Jake Johnson]

That itself.

[Katie Nolan]

I agree. I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

But unless you've got a sick bathroom, unless you have one of those seats.

[Katie Nolan]

That'S heated and no, it's not a toto.

[Jack]

Toto. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

It's not one of those great Japanese toilets. But to walk into somebody else's house and blow a fart. My real question is, is what's up? Yeah, that's a. That's a fight starter.

[Jack]

It is an act of war.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Erica, walk us through the real. What's your sister's name? What are we calling this woman? This finicky beast as Katie refers to. This is. This is a finicky beast.

[Jake Johnson]

This is an alpha fish, not a beta fish.

[Katie Nolan]

If you're watching a fart, this is a. This is a disgusting animal.

[Jack]

So what do we.

[Katie Nolan]

Who, your sister. We take back the mean things we said about. What's her name?

[Natalie]

We'll call her Sally.

[Katie Nolan]

Sally. So walk us through Erica. What really happens here? So we get a picture.

[Natalie]

Yeah. So the part of town that I live in, it's around, like, a lot of popular shops and restaurants. And, you know, she's on this side of town. She'll make, you know, in a way, go out of her way to come use my bathroom on the way home or on the way to running errands. But because my husband and I are very normal about that kind of thing, she feels comfortable to do whatever she needs to do at my house. But it will be a. Hey, I just need to stop by and use your bathroom. And I live in a small house, one bathroom. It can be a little inconvenient for me. I also work from home.

[Jack]

That's big. These are big details. These are big, bad details.

[Jake Johnson]

I pictured you had a separate bathroom in a bedroom basement that she.

[Jack]

Because this.

[Jake Johnson]

This is. Sally has a comfort of. With pooping in front of your husband. That I find confusing.

[Katie Nolan]

Agree.

[Jack]

Yeah. I did not imagine her sort of just like a gaseous Kramer busting into a small unit just to drop deuces and let it rip. Huh?

[Katie Nolan]

All right, so keep going. Erica. So she. And how does she. How does she propose this? You'll. You'll get a text. It will be like I'm burst at the seams. Can I come in?

[Jack]

There's no good answer to this question.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, but, like, how does it work?

[Natalie]

Sometimes. Sometimes knock at the door. Sometimes.

[Katie Nolan]

And when you answer, is it like, move, move, move, move? Or is it like. Or is it like.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

And what if she's. Is she one of those Humans. And my dad was this way. My dad would not take dumps in public. He would not. If he was in like a. If we were in a restaurant, he had to go. It was the most dramatic thing in the whole world where all of a sudden he'd be like, I gotta get home. My brother and I said to be like, go to the bathroom, you maniac. Yeah. So is she one of those?

[Natalie]

Not quite. No, I don't think so. But I think if, you know, if she had her choice, she's choosing, you know, my house over a public restroom.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, and how long has this been going on? Is Sally older or younger than you? Is this a power play?

[Natalie]

She's older, she's old.

[Katie Nolan]

So she's taking a. At her little sister's house. Who cares?

[Jack]

Yeah. Status.

[Katie Nolan]

Does she just like. Does she throw her dirty stuff on your floor too? She just like. Who gives a shit? This is a.

[Jack]

Watch this.

[Katie Nolan]

I'm out of here.

[Jake Johnson]

Peace out.

[Katie Nolan]

You're an animal. You're my little sister. I'm gonna rub my boogers on your head. You don't even exist.

[Jack]

Come here for a noogie. Have a good day.

[Katie Nolan]

So. And then. So you're specific. So now we have a sense of what's happened with Sally. She doesn't like to go to the bathroom in front of her husband. Do they have kids, by the way?

[Natalie]

They. Well, that actually is another factor here. So they have a one and a half year old and my knee has become my whole personality. Being an aunt is my favorite thing. So I'm trying to. You know, I've been thinking about trying to leverage being my niece. Like no niece, no entry kind of thing. If you're gonna.

[Jake Johnson]

I love that.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, I love that. That's innovative.

[Jack]

That's good too. A niece tax.

[Katie Nolan]

I like that. Yeah.

[Jack]

Okay.

[Katie Nolan]

That's fun. And so. But your specific kind of question is. Is. And tell me when I'm wrong on this. I'm just going to try to paraphrase, but how do we get your sister to stop using your house as her toilet?

[Natalie]

Correct. And if any way this can. Can be brought into it is try to get her and her husband.

[Jack]

And that's what I. Farting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's what I mean.

[Jake Johnson]

That's why.

[Jack]

Well, not to sound like a doctor, but you might not be able to get the farts. But the poops should be possible.

[Katie Nolan]

Like there was that anything sounding like a doctor also what I sound like.

[Jack]

A professor at Harvard, you know, Come on.

[Katie Nolan]

I get the fart, but you will get the poop. Sorry to sound like a doctor here.

[Jack]

Yeah, well, no, no, it's like I'm.

[Katie Nolan]

Like, somebody just turning this on. Like, is that a doctor on that?

[Jack]

People are listening and going, this guy reads books. Yes, I know what people are thinking that I think what you have to do. Oh, go ahead. Oh, skewer me some more, Jake. And then we'll get into the show.

[Katie Nolan]

Why could they get. Why could you get them to take in the dumps but not the farts? Just because farts are humiliating by nature.

[Jack]

Holding that can be easier than having to take a. Or she can like. Like you were saying, she could sneak outside and like, right. Let one go. But how many bathrooms does her house have?

[Jake Johnson]

Good question.

[Katie Nolan]

Mansion.

[Jack]

How many?

[Natalie]

One.

[Jack]

One.

[Katie Nolan]

Just one.

[Jake Johnson]

This is crazy.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

One bathroom with a.

[Jack]

What do they do? You know what they do when they have to take a shit at home? Do they?

[Katie Nolan]

She goes to her sister's house. What does he do?

[Jack]

He probably takes a shit when she leaves.

[Natalie]

Well, yeah, it's just very, like, low profile, secretive. She has told me that he has witnessed him unknowingly going out onto their back patio in the morning to. To rip ass when the window is open. And he didn't know that she could hear.

[Katie Nolan]

There's something sweet about this.

[Jake Johnson]

Right? But it's also. It's sweet, but it's almost. If you zoom in too far, you might go, well, wait, that's not sweet. That's weird.

[Katie Nolan]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

How have you held this in for. I just didn't know you could have a man for 15 years without having to experience his farts. I didn't know I could figure out. Yeah, I would have. I would have put that on my list.

[Jack]

I really would love to frame the moment when that window's open and the husband is letting 20 hours of gas shoot out of him. But she's like, oh, God, birds are chirping.

[Katie Nolan]

Erica. So I think what we're pitching on today is because this could be. This could be two things, but I don't think it's two things. I don't think our show is going to be trying to get your sister and her husband to fart in front of each other or take dumps in front of each other, because I'll tell you what, they're not the ones calling in. If she called in, I would like my husband and I to do this, then we could go. But we are with you, Erica. And your problem is she just uses your house as a outhouse and we got to put a little Bit of a barrier to that.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a question.

[Katie Nolan]

Go ahead, Katie.

[Jake Johnson]

Does your bathroom need renovating by any chance?

[Katie Nolan]

Good fake. Even if it doesn't, it doesn't.

[Natalie]

It's on the list of things to do, but it's in perfect working order.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, because I was gonna say, if she were to come over and, oops, we're renovating our bathroom and you remove the option for her because she's not gonna choose, I don't think the outhouse at your. Is that what they do when you renovate your bathroom? I haven't yet done that, but I assume they bring you a porta Potty. So I don't think she would wanna use your porta potty over her toilet. So I think maybe you could remove the option for, like, I don't know, a month. How long does that take? And then maybe she'll figure something else out.

[Katie Nolan]

Is your pitch. Get it?

[Jake Johnson]

Now's the time or you just. Now's the time.

[Jack]

Stick with painters tape, make it look.

[Jake Johnson]

Like you're renovating your bathroom. Yeah.

[Jack]

So renovate. You have a whole staging. But the truth is, if she's texting you, hey, like, what does she text you? I'm gonna come over. I have to go.

[Katie Nolan]

She'll just knock on the door sometimes.

[Natalie]

Yeah, we're very close. So she can clearly just show up on and out.

[Jack]

Have you ever done these?

[Katie Nolan]

Hold on, I got a pitch.

[Jack]

Go.

[Katie Nolan]

You tell her next time she comes over to take a dump, you're texting her husband. If you're worried about where Sally, she's here taking a dump.

[Jack]

It's pretty good. It's vicious.

[Katie Nolan]

I would get on a group text with her, sally, your husband, her husband, and start off going, like, just so we all know where everybody is, I just heard this podcast about safety. It was called we're here to Help. And what they're saying is, is family should be in better touch with each other. And if somebody sees somebody, because.

[Jake Johnson]

Say something, see something, say something, say.

[Katie Nolan]

Something, See something, say something. So if one of us is with somebody, we should all know where everybody is. Now that there's. You go. Look, I'm saying this as a protective aunt, but now that my niece is entering the picture, I want to be able to communicate. They were talking. One of the guys sounds like a doctor, even though he's not one. And what he was saying on there is that, you know, you should do GPS tracking, cracking on this kid and things like that. So let's start doing a thing whenever two of us are together. Just tell the group, just put a little g, we all know.

[Jack]

Or we ship. Sally, go ahead.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Sally, if you stop over, I'm just gonna let everybody know you stopped over and why. And what you're basically saying to Sally is, you can here all you want, but everybody's gonna know.

[Natalie]

I, I do like that. And her and I, we do track each other on Find My Friends, but I don't think her and her husband do. So I would be doing him a favor if he was ever, you could.

[Katie Nolan]

Say you heard it on a podcast or a doctor, medical professional with a guy who sounded like a medical professional.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. And what? And then literally the first time she comes over, you don't bring it up. You just. As she's taking a dump, she hears beep. She looks at her phone. It goes, hey, guys, Sally's here going to the bathroom, taking a number two. She'll probably be here about 12 to 15 minutes.

[Natalie]

She's probably on holding it in.

[Katie Nolan]

She's on her phone. So she'll write back, like, she'll text you, like, what are you doing? And you go, like I said I was going to do this. Whenever you come here, I'm g. To let everybody know what you're doing.

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of foolproof.

[Katie Nolan]

Katie likes it.

[Jack]

I like it too. I, I, to me, that is a, that is a real Right. It's an act. What I would say is maybe we, maybe we could do an incremental escalation with that. The first thing you could do is you could try the sorted to Katie's pitch. Like, your toilet's not working. She comes over and you go, it's not flushing. No.

[Katie Nolan]

Kind of if you got a burst, you go, let me check.

[Jack]

Well, I mean, I guess the flush, you're like, whatever.

[Katie Nolan]

And then if she goes out, you go, toilet's not working. But you can also leave my niece here and we'll figure that out.

[Jack]

This would be the, the first one I would do before you tell her husband. She said she's taking a shit. Is I would say, why not? When she does that, like, just have your camera on when she comes out and just kind of embarrass her. Like, you have this.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jack]

And it almost gives you a little bit. Yeah. Like, here's my sister who comes over here to drop deuces. It's always great to see her when she comes over. Right. Didn't you just do that? Like, something like that. That's like the press hounding her a little bit. Then you have that, and you can either tell her with a smokescreen that you are going to post that on something. Or you can be like, I'm going to send this to your husband. Unless you start being a little more open and find a secondary location that isn't my house. Yeah, and then if that doesn't work, then you can do the outing.

[Katie Nolan]

And now, just before we even hear what you think, Katie, what are you thinking? Where's your head at?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, so I was thinking similar to was that you could record because you gotta think that it's the sound of it, I guess that she's embarrassed of or doesn't want her husband to hear. I suppose it could also be smell, but as a non doctor, I don't wanna get into that.

[Jack]

No, no, no, you're totally right.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel like if you recorded the sound of the farts and the poops and you had that, that if I were the person farting and pooping in fear, you could blackmail me to do pretty much anything. Like this is. This is what it sounds like when your disgusting wife takes a nasty. That could really be valuable.

[Katie Nolan]

But are we. Because I think you're right on that. So now we got to go to you, Erica. We have talked about exposing her. We've talked about blackmail. Where are you kind of at? This is early in the pitch game. We could come up with more. But where are you at early on?

[Natalie]

I. I do like both of those. And her and I are. Are no stranger to blackmail. We. We both have a pretty big arsenal of photos and, and things that we have on each other. So this one being very pointed at an issue that I'm facing, I think could be interesting.

[Katie Nolan]

This is a game, but let me just throw. Because we also might be getting you in a dangerous spot if she's got stuff on you too. This could get really ugly. Oh, that's true.

[Jake Johnson]

Really good point.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Jess, it's like be careful starting a war. Nobody likes dead bodies. So one other thing. What is it you want from. In terms of time with your niece that you're not getting?

[Natalie]

Probably more. More weekday visits.

[Katie Nolan]

Weekdays you're thinking about maybe you see her on weekends.

[Natalie]

Yeah, more often.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

And.

[Katie Nolan]

And what I'm looking for is a specific ask. Because then what you could actually do is we could start a bartering system.

[Natalie]

I like where this is going.

[Katie Nolan]

That we might not be able to stop the hard dumping at your house right away.

[Jack]

I don't appreciate the hard ad, but.

[Katie Nolan]

What we might be able to do is go. I don't love that part of it, but I get One sleepover a month, and every Wednesday, I'm with my niece. And yeah, maybe I have some audio of you taking a dump and farting.

[Jack]

Well, there we go.

[Katie Nolan]

If I don't get this sleepover, it's a twofer. You know, it's either you can say this. It's either. I'm gonna either reveal these sounds. I'm gonna do this group text that I've already set up, so every time you come, I'm just gonna write what's. What are we calling Sally's husband Chad?

[Jack]

Sure.

[Natalie]

Chad's perfect.

[Katie Nolan]

You're just gonna say, like, Chad, just in case you're worried about her. She's here going to the bathroom again. I think she's sick because it's been a long one. Probably ate something that doesn't sit well with her. Maybe Indian food, a lot of screens. She's here and just setting that up and then really using the niece as. But this is my ask.

[Natalie]

Yeah, I know. I like that a lot. I think I've been trying to get a sleepover set up in the last couple of sleepovers. Really? And it's been a lot of excuses.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, well, guess what? I got an excuse, too. Yeah, you want it. You want to dump them.

[Jake Johnson]

You are in a position to ask for anything. You want this woman, your house as a. As a toilet on the road. So you are. If there are things you want, now's the time to make the list and we can get those things for you.

[Katie Nolan]

That's. That's. We've turned into lawyers right now, and nobody likes when it gets ugly, but we're going to make sure our client wins this.

[Jack]

So you have two lawyers and a doctor on this call.

[Katie Nolan]

I don't mean to sound like a lawyer here, Erica.

[Jack]

I have one more.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

And then I think we can. I like the way that Jake has unease with me saying that. What if after one of these sessions, we'll call it what if when she leaves, she flushes, she thinks everything's fine, and you say that the toilet got backed up and overflowed, and you have to call a plumber and kind of make it feel like a bit of an emergency. Maybe her husband's a little upset by it, too. That might be embarrassing.

[Katie Nolan]

Let me tangent on that pitch too.

[Jack]

Go.

[Katie Nolan]

What if you write the group thing and say, hey, I know this is embarrassing, but after you came over and took a dump, the. The smell. And after you flushed, I guess it was so big, some came up the.

[Jack]

Color the doctor now.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, I don't mean to sound like one, but say like it's an. It was an alarming smell and color.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Jack]

Color and title.

[Katie Nolan]

I would. I'm just a little worried. I know it's the younger sister. This isn't our relationship, but I wanted Chad and you to know that this might be something you want to look at. I've never smelled anything like this. It smelled almost as if an animal had been dead for two years inside of your body. The color was no color I've ever seen of something that came out of a animal or human's body. So I'm just a tad worried, and I want to know if Chad. If you've seen anything this. Or smelled anything like this in your bathroom. But the stuff she's dropping in my house is alarming.

[Jack]

Either one.

[Katie Nolan]

What do you think?

[Natalie]

Approaching it from a safety concern. Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

A safety as. And you could say. I don't want to sound like a doctor here.

[Jack]

Yeah, that's a.

[Jake Johnson]

Legally, you have to say that.

[Jack]

Maybe wear a little white coat with a pen.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Erica, take over for a second and really take a deep breath and think about what you're actually going to do, because this show is not about we pitch some stuff, and then you go, I didn't do any of it. We'd like you to try something.

[Natalie]

Yeah, well, I. I do like the option so far. I'm never gonna shy away from getting more blackmail, whether she, you know, it's gonna be combative and. And dig dip into her arsenal. That's okay. I'm a little less thigh than she is, so it's hard to embarrass me. So I have that going for me. So I think potentially gathering the blackmail could be good to keep in my back pocket.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Natalie]

But leveraging time with my niece definitely feels like the. A good direction to go.

[Katie Nolan]

And so in terms of the blackmail, what are you going to do specifically?

[Natalie]

I like recording our issues coming out of the bathroom.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Natalie]

There's no attempt. No, I'm just.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

And what are you gonna say? What are you gonna do there? How you gonna do it?

[Natalie]

Oh, I could just film her as she's walking out. Yeah.

[Jack]

Say yes.

[Natalie]

Oh. Chad was worried about where you were, so I wanted to show him, remind him, video evidence that you're safe.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Natalie]

Something maybe like that, I think. Also, I like the group chat. That's pretty.

[Katie Nolan]

I would also say liking everything I'm trying to. Because if you just film her walking out of the bathroom, she's gonna go, what are you doing?

[Jack]

And you go, yeah, you've got to.

[Katie Nolan]

Put us know where you were. And she goes, okay. And then you go, yeah, Got you.

[Jack]

I just peed.

[Katie Nolan]

That's not blackmail.

[Jack]

You've got to do it.

[Katie Nolan]

And you go, like, got you.

[Natalie]

Okay, so, okay, I guess, like, I.

[Katie Nolan]

Liked Katie's thing of you recording her. So you're hearing the. The sounds.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

And then you can say, what are you doing in there? And she'll be like, what are you. Why are you asking me questions? I'm going to the bathroom. And then once you. Then when she walks out, go. Just so you know, I've been recording.

[Jack]

You could also have, like, some potpourri in hand and spray it all over her. And the bathroom, when she comes out to.

[Jake Johnson]

Really like rice at a wedding, you just toss it.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

So, yeah, Erica, you're gonna. You're gonna try to film her going to the bathroom. When she comes out, you're gonna try.

[Jake Johnson]

To keep saying out of context. So you're gonna film your sister taking a.

[Jack]

And she's gonna film and go to the bathroom. What's the next part of the plan that we're all signing off on?

[Katie Nolan]

Absolutely insane.

[Natalie]

Film her.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Natalie]

In the act, and then when she's coming out.

[Jack]

Not in the act.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And not when it is coming out.

[Katie Nolan]

To be clear.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Coming out. Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

They weren't filming the sound.

[Jack]

Filming the door. Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

You saying like Sally? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's good. Ew, yuck.

[Jack]

Stinky Sally. Stinky Sally. Oh, Stinky Sally's back.

[Katie Nolan]

And then when she comes out, you're connecting the sounds to her face where she'll go like, what are you doing? You didn't film that, did you? Cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Katie Nolan]

Got her.

[Natalie]

Got her.

[Jake Johnson]

And then cinematic.

[Katie Nolan]

You then present to her almost immediately. I want a sleepover a month.

[Jake Johnson]

Bring that kid over here for a nap, or I'm gonna send this to.

[Jack]

I want your daughter.

[Katie Nolan]

I want your daughter here on Wednesday.

[Jack]

I want your daughter here Wednesday nights.

[Katie Nolan]

And I want to sleep over every once in a while. Or Chad's getting this disgusting tape, and then she'll go, what is this about, you psychopath? And you go, you've been dumping in my house for too long. Just go home. Just go home.

[Natalie]

No, that's. That seems actually pretty perfect. I like that.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, great. So, Erica, please follow up with us on this one. Very curious how it goes.

[Jack]

We definitely want to see the video. We won't share it with the sister's.

[Jake Johnson]

Face, but please tag us in. Whatever. We're gonna put that on social, right?

[Jack]

Yeah. We deserve to be able to put that on socials.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Jack]

Promoter movements.

[Natalie]

No, I. I will definitely follow up.

[Alex]

All right.

[Katie Nolan]

We appreciate you.

[Natalie]

It's gonna work well. Yeah. Thank you guys so much.

[Jack]

This is a good feeling.

[Katie Nolan]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Good luck.

[Natalie]

Yeah, thanks, guys.

[Katie Nolan]

This episode is sponsored by Squarespace. You guys all know what Squarespace is. It's the easiest way to create a great website. And I might create a Squarespace website about Lamar Morris and Kyle from the Morning after podcast. Because they're, you know, they're coming after us and we haven't done anything wrong. We're the innocents and they're the bullies. But we will defend ourselves. With the help of Squarespace, we will make a website to defend ourselves.

[Jack]

Look no further than my own website. Any website I'm associated with is Squarespace. They have design, intelligence, cutting edge AI technology, so you can come up with the strongest creative potential. There's Squarespace Payments. It's an easy way to manage payments in one place. With Squarespace, onboarding is fast and simple. You get started in a few clicks. Invoicing, you can sell your content. I mean, Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website, like online courses, blogs, videos. I'm teaching a lot of courses on my website. Go to squarespace.com for a free trial. Www.squarespace.com do the work to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hello.

[Alex]

Hello.

[Jack]

Hi. All right.

[Alex]

How's it going?

[Jack]

Good. Welcome to We're Here to Help America's number one podcast. Don't look it up. Listen, we're going to want to know your name, your age, your problem, where you're calling from and all that, but let me tell you before we start, this is not just going to be two weird drunk uncles giving you advice. We brought a drunk aunt in for this one.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Okay, so we don't have a lot of guests anymore, but we're very excited to have on for round two, the great Katie Nolan is joining us. We can't clap, so hooray.

[Jake Johnson]

Huge fan.

[Jack]

Yeah, it wasn't great.

[Katie Nolan]

Can we get your name, please?

[Alex]

Alex.

[Katie Nolan]

Alex, how you doing today?

[Alex]

I'm doing all right.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, Alex, where are you calling from?

[Alex]

I am calling from a small town in the mid Atlantic of the United States. I don't want to give away too much. This is a very specific problem.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, and what age are you at, Alex?

[Alex]

I am 27.

[Katie Nolan]

27. So you're young. So, Alex, 27. And how about if you're in the jungle, you're running and you turn around, you see an animal. What animal are you seeing?

[Alex]

Probably a tiger.

[Jack]

Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

That's cool. Are you scared of the tiger? Excited to see it?

[Alex]

Kind of both, you know, like, I'm excited that there's a tiger there.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Alex]

But then I'm also, like, realizing that I'm scared of the tiger.

[Katie Nolan]

I 100 relate on this. That's how it'd be with the silverback. And what's your first move when you see that tiger?

[Alex]

Just like almost to pet it, but then run. Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

By the way, same.

[Jack]

You're not gonna make it. By the way.

[Katie Nolan]

Almost like hug, hug. I would love to hug a silver back. I would love to chit chat about it.

[Jack]

He's not talking about.

[Katie Nolan]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

You're making it about your thing, but this is.

[Jack]

Yeah, Jake's got a weird weir. Weird gorilla thing. Katie. Just, you know, he turned his yard into like a weird little menagerie of stone. Animals and gorillas are his favorite. Go ahead, Jake.

[Katie Nolan]

Go ahead, Alex, because you're the caller.

[Jake Johnson]

What's going on, babe?

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Alex]

Okay. So at my work every week, we play floor hockey once a week.

[Jack]

It's a.

[Alex]

It's a great group, floor hockey, but I. I have this issue where.

[Jake Johnson]

Also known as knee hockey or mini hockey, depending on where you are.

[Katie Nolan]

Never have I heard knee hockey.

[Jack]

Didn't know that.

[Jake Johnson]

Unless you're talking about literally standing up and playing.

[Katie Nolan]

You're talking about hockey.

[Jake Johnson]

Hockey to me is when you're down on the ground with little sticks. Do you ever see the little. All right, I'll show. Sorry about your real, real thing that's happening to you.

[Alex]

Full size stick.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. But I remember playing hockey and like, on a basketball court.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's street hockey.

[Alex]

That's it.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Inside, inside, inside.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I've complicated the scenario and I apologize.

[Jack]

Now I want to learn about this knee hockey at another time.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you all about it.

[Jack]

Thank you.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Alex, you play floor hockey once a week?

[Alex]

Yes, with my co workers.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

And.

[Alex]

And I'm like, the problem is, you know, everyone's there to have a good time, you know, get a little exercise, have some fun. I can't help. I can't help but wonder, how good am I at floor hockey?

[Katie Nolan]

And I get this.

[Alex]

I like, I feel like I go in and there's some days where I'm like, I am the best floor hockey player that has ever graced the court. But then there are other days where I'm like, I am absolute trash. And I Have this one co worker that's like, constantly kind of picking me on me about it and thinks that he is consistently the best, and I just don't see it. Right. Like, I think that, you know, everyone that shows up is kind of around the same level.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Right.

[Alex]

But he has, like, a very clear ranking in a sense, that there's, like, a hierarchy. And I think that I'm, like. I'm up there, you know, Like, I'm. I'm a solid player, but I. But then there's like. I just don't know. And I hate being in a situation where I. There's no way to tell because, Alex, there's no camera.

[Jake Johnson]

Lots of ways.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Numbers famously don't lie. So are we scoring a lot of goals?

[Katie Nolan]

You're totally right, Katie. This isn't art.

[Jake Johnson]

Right, Right.

[Katie Nolan]

It's not. Who's a better sculptor?

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Alex]

I definitely. I definitely score some goals, but I like to think that I impact winning. You know, like, I'm passing. We all do playing some good defense.

[Jack]

There's a lot of.

[Katie Nolan]

Most people don't.

[Jake Johnson]

We all like to think that.

[Jack]

Yeah, there's a lot of. I like to thinks in this one, which.

[Katie Nolan]

That's not to say, Alex, you're wrong, because there are players who do impact winning, and it's not always on the statue. So what is it. Yeah, what is it about? So you're a glue guy. What is it about you, Alex, that helps the team win? I'm.

[Alex]

I'm definitely. I'm definitely a glue guy. Definitely. I'm definitely playing with a lot of. A lot of hustle. Right. Like, my. My defense is locked down.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, great.

[Alex]

All right. And I've got. I've got a phenomenal vision. Like, I understand the game.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Jack]

What does that mean, by the way?

[Katie Nolan]

Please hold on. Is this me calling it, Please.

[Jack]

Honestly, it could not be. I feel like.

[Katie Nolan]

Hold on. Did I have. Is this the reason you didn't tell us? Where are you, my son?

[Jack]

Honestly, the cord, in a way.

[Katie Nolan]

What are your stance. Pretty bad in my car.

[Jack]

He's saying all the things. My team loses.

[Katie Nolan]

I don't know.

[Jack]

I can't get goals, but I'm. Everyone knows I'm the champ.

[Jake Johnson]

Something about me feels different. If you're getting what I'm saying. We.

[Katie Nolan]

We haven't won a game, but we lost bad.

[Jack]

And I lost it for us.

[Katie Nolan]

And I. I threw a puck at a guy, and I got kicked out of the league. But I'm a real helpful guy on the team.

[Jack]

I broke my victory, so Al.

[Katie Nolan]

So you think. So just to be clear on this, you think you're a pretty good goddamn player. And you think you're a glue guy and you're helping us. One of the best. And this other guy in the league, who we call the Arrival, in this.

[Erica]

We actually have the rival in the waiting room.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, God.

[Erica]

Whenever you want to hear from him.

[Katie Nolan]

We're not there yet. We're not there yet. But that is very interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm so excited. This just got so much more exciting.

[Jack]

It's a big twist.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, it's a very big twist. So, Alex, before we enter this world of insanity, which we're about to, what is your specific question that we can help you with today?

[Alex]

I guess, like, how, how do I get some reassurance or some clarity on how good I am at floor hockey?

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we bring in another person, like, while we have you alone, I feel like we should glean as much information as we can. Yeah. So I feel like, what? First of all, this is such a 20 year old guy, mid 20s guy. Question. Here's the thing. I'm good, and I think this guy thinks he's good, but I think I'm better and I need help. Your 30s are gonna hit you like a freight train.

[Katie Nolan]

It's the 40s are gonna be worse.

[Jake Johnson]

I can't even, I can't even picture myself playing hockey in any capacity. But. So, okay, so you, you don't score. Does this guy score a lot of goals?

[Alex]

So, I, I, I don't think so.

[Katie Nolan]

Not that more than, I mean, we.

[Jake Johnson]

Were there, you know.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jack]

Does he.

[Alex]

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not keeping count. You know, he is, but I'm not, you know, I'm there to have a good time, but it's, but there's the, the pestering of, like, oh, there, there's this many goals. I mean, I keep track on it day to day.

[Jake Johnson]

Right, right.

[Alex]

And the difference is never more than, like, I don't know, one or two.

[Katie Nolan]

All right, let me ask you a question, because I'm trying to get something clean on this.

[Jack]

Same.

[Katie Nolan]

So, so, because I, I think I get where you're coming from, Alex. How many people are in the league? How many people play?

[Alex]

So it's different day, like, week to week, it's a little different. It's just kind of like an open. Anyone that wants to come play floor hockey on Wednesdays can come play.

[Katie Nolan]

But give me a rough. We talk about 20 people in your little League.

[Alex]

No, no, no, no. Like, like 15. I'd say 15.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Out of the 15, where do you think you rank? You know, like on the NFL, they'll have like the PFF scoring and they'll go like 2 out of 157 guard, and you'll be like, oh, he's pretty good. So out of 15, where do you put yourself?

[Alex]

I'd put myself like five or six.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, that's pretty low.

[Jack]

I mean, we know the answer to this question.

[Katie Nolan]

I got to say, this show is a very low stake show. That is a. For our show. You're like 12, 13. So all we're really looking for is I'm terrible. You're. You're the fifth, sixth best floor hockey player out of 15.

[Jake Johnson]

Not even on the podium.

[Katie Nolan]

Also, you wouldn't tell us us where you're calling from. You could have told us where you're calling.

[Jack]

By the way, what do you think.

[Jake Johnson]

Is going to happen?

[Jack]

Alex, get in here. You're fired.

[Katie Nolan]

I gotta keep this. So, and the guy who were coming in, your rival, what's this guy's name?

[Alex]

Jack.

[Katie Nolan]

Jack. And where would you put jack out of 15? And be honest here. Don't say you don't know. You know, where's Jack?

[Alex]

I'd put him like eight or nine.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay.

[Katie Nolan]

You think he's worse, but why is he.

[Jack]

So basically, this is too middles.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

This is fighting for the bottom.

[Jack]

Yeah. The stakes drop so hard.

[Katie Nolan]

Here's the problem.

[Alex]

Come in and he's going to tell you he's number one.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Going to be like, alex, is your issue.

[Jake Johnson]

Is your issue that he thinks he's the best, or is your issue just that he thinks he's better than you?

[Alex]

Honestly, it's that he thinks he's the best. Because I don't think I'm the best. Best.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Alex]

Like, if you're gonna show up and play floor hockey and like, be mediocre, like, don't pretend that you're the best.

[Katie Nolan]

But hold on. But I feel like trying to get clean on this call.

[Jack]

He said, I think I'm the best.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you might have.

[Katie Nolan]

But hold on. Alex, all we're looking for. So when we get Jack eyed because we got. We can't just turn into chaos.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

So we got to figure out what we're specifically asking and we got to figure out how we can make you happy. Because you called. Jack didn't. So Jack thinks he's the best player. You think he's an 8 or a 9. But the call you're calling in about is you want to know where you're at. So we're asking Jack for his point of view of where you're at out of 15. And if he thinks you're a 5 or a 6, are you happy with that?

[Jack]

I.

[Alex]

No. I mean, not if he thinks he's won. Right.

[Jack]

He wants Jack to admit he's not.

[Jake Johnson]

He's better than him.

[Katie Nolan]

So Alex, is this essentially you want Jack to know that you're better at floor hockey than him?

[Alex]

I, I want him to know that we're equals. You know that, that it's not one or the other.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. That you guys are equals.

[Jack]

We're just going to be, we're just going to be reffing an argument between two Flora hockey players.

[Katie Nolan]

But hold on. What we're getting to is oh, Alex Watts. And you also said that Jack is an 8 or a 9. So Alex, if you're equals man, you're an 8 or a 9 out of 15. So you just don't like that Jack thinks he's better than you when you think you offer a different skill set, but it is equal to his prowess. So if he's an offensive player, well, he's not a glue guy and he doesn't do defense and he doesn't have great court vision. So you don't like that he's stealing glory but you are actually as equal to him and you guys are of the same ranking, is that right?

[Alex]

It I, I, So no one's ever put it better. That, that was, that was beautiful.

[Jack]

That's exactly how I'm clapping.

[Katie Nolan]

Is clean. So then what we're looking for. Yeah. Is we are trying to get Jack to admit to you that you guys are equals.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Jack]

Well, absolutely. And I think let's, let's bring Jack in and then I think we can try to maybe find a way to prove this. We. The call could just easily turn.

[Katie Nolan]

But you can't do a one on one match because they skill sets.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Jack]

No, but there like we're saying there are metrics to.

[Katie Nolan]

I know, but it's different. So like my daughter just starting basketball and we're getting really into it and it's really fun.

[Jack]

That means Jake's getting into it and overdoing it. Katie and not having fun for.

[Katie Nolan]

Nobody's having fun.

[Jack]

Nobody. Jake's ruining it for everybody.

[Katie Nolan]

Everybody. But we were kind of talking about the early skill sets and I was like. And Alex, very similar to you. I was like defense, that's what wins championships, baby. That's what I literally said in the car last night. I said, you pick a number, you find a girl across for you, make your life hell. She doesn't score. I go, I want these other girls to go, ugh, that number 10 is guarding me.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, number 10, shout out. That was my number. That's great.

[Alex]

That's my dream. When I. When I come home at night, I think to myself, there's other co workers that are like, oh, fuck, like, Alex was on me all game.

[Katie Nolan]

And there's a lot of flashy people who just try to score and they think they're great, but you go, you're not impacting the game. Well, Garrett, that's because I'm an Alex and you're a judge.

[Jack]

Even the best.

[Katie Nolan]

By the way. I get you, man. It's the flashy shooters who go, like, I scored three. And you go, you didn't guard anybody.

[Jake Johnson]

But they scored three.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes. Yeah, but how many did I stop?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. How many did you stop?

[Jack]

He hasn't told metric.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, how do you. How do you.

[Jack]

Shots blind.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, he's not a goalie. He's not blue guy.

[Jack]

Okay, you know what? Let's bring in Jack.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Erica]

All right, we've got Jack ready to go.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Jack]

It sounds like Jack's antsy.

[Katie Nolan]

You want me to start this?

[Jack]

Yeah, get in there. Put your finger on the pulse.

[Jake Johnson]

We're keeping Alex and bringing in Jack. Okay, Good, good, good.

[Erica]

Yeah, we got everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Vic]

Hello, everybody.

[Katie Nolan]

Hey, Jack.

[Vic]

Hey, thanks for having me.

[Katie Nolan]

Thanks for coming. I'm Jake. You've got Katie and you've got Gareth, and.

[Vic]

All right, thank you all.

[Katie Nolan]

And you've got a co worker, but we're going to get to that. But I think you know about this and you know what this call's about, correct?

[Vic]

I do know what this call's about.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Vic]

Alex has talked to me a good bit.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Yeah.

[Jack]

All right.

[Katie Nolan]

So we want to.

[Jack]

I'm a little starstruck.

[Jake Johnson]

He's been thorough.

[Katie Nolan]

But we want to let you know from the very beginning, we do not have a dog in this fight. At this point, I was worried about.

[Vic]

What he'd say in the first.

[Katie Nolan]

You're not going to get bombarded started. I would make that very clear. So what we're now looking for, Jack, a very honest assessment of your abilities on the floor hockey court.

[Vic]

Oh, yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Who you are as a player, how you do any comps. Any comps is a great idea. So let's just hear about you as a player. You can brag, you cannot brag. But just be honest. We're getting A An image of you on the court on this Wednesday league.

[Vic]

Yeah, I appreciate that. So I started working at this school in 2019, and I've been playing floor hockey pretty much the entire time.

[Alex]

Great.

[Vic]

Started off as, like, you know, a little out of shape. Someone who I think was, like, a developmental prospect, you know, Love this came in. I played street hockey with my brother as a kid, but hadn't really, and played a lot in, like, high school with. With my, like, you know, in gym class and stuff. But this was, like, actual competition.

[Katie Nolan]

Great.

[Vic]

Took me a long time. I feel like a lot of days where I. A couple times where I'd skip hockey because I, like, felt nervous that I wasn't good enough, you know, a lot of, A lot of development going on.

[Katie Nolan]

But a big, But a big prospect, Jack. But a big prospect. Because you played growing up. Yeah.

[Vic]

Got this. Yeah, well, just, you know, just with my brother, there's nothing. A lot of natural.

[Katie Nolan]

Natural talent with you.

[Jack]

I don't even think he's saying what you're saying. Do you understand, Jack?

[Katie Nolan]

Is there natural talent in you? Do you think that there's a diamond in the rough here? And if you can clean up some of this rust, do you think there's a pretty good goddamn player in this Wednesday league?

[Vic]

I, I, I think so. Because after Covet, I came back and I got back into the swing of things and I got in shape.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Vic]

And I started playing, started playing a lot better. And what really kicked in was I started to get the confidence.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Vic]

To play as well as the battle.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Real, real, real quick, Jack, what's your age?

[Vic]

I'm 28.

[Katie Nolan]

20. Okay, so you're still young in this league. And what's your size? What's your friend? You got you over six feet. You're under six feet. What. What's that body running around that court look like?

[Vic]

6 foot. 6 foot on the dot.

[Jack]

I was like, are you scouting?

[Jake Johnson]

You have a dog in the fight? It feels.

[Jack]

Yeah, I feel like I fell for Jack.

[Katie Nolan]

No, I'm asking. So about what are we running around at? How many stones?

[Jack]

Two pounds. Please, Jack.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, you want.

[Vic]

Last I weighed, I was. I was a little over 225.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Vic]

I was like a linebacker in high school.

[Katie Nolan]

Mid, middle, or outside?

[Vic]

Mostly outside. I was good coverage guy.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so you weren't reading the defense so much, but you were more covering. I love it. Alex, what size are you? What Height are you? 5'Two that was a joke. Joke. That was a joke.

[Jack]

That tiger's gonna eat you.

[Jake Johnson]

Alive.

[Jack]

Unless he is.

[Katie Nolan]

Alex, how.

[Jack]

I think Jack would eat the tiger. Am I the only one who's feeling that?

[Katie Nolan]

Jack.

[Jack]

Jack eat the tiger. The tiger shits and runs and Jack chases it down and it bites his neck.

[Katie Nolan]

That's not where. We're not going in that direction. We're not going in that direction. Alex, what's your frame? What are we talking about?

[Jack]

What's your game?

[Alex]

I'm. First of all, I feel a little betrayed, Jake.

[Katie Nolan]

I know, I know, but it's early.

[Vic]

Alex.

[Katie Nolan]

It's early. It's early. I know. We do. It's early. It's early. It's early. We're gonna. We're gonna end this.

[Alex]

Well, I am. I'm five eight, 165.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. So very different body types to start. That's very interesting. These are very. These are not guys. No, but these are not guys. I'd have guard in each other. Other. Okay, so, Jack, so you're 6ft 225. Okay. And where do you. On the court, what do you play? Like, what kind of position do you play?

[Vic]

So I usually get volunteered to be the face off guy.

[Katie Nolan]

Interesting.

[Vic]

No one wants to do it, so I always. I, I'm. I'm happy to do it. I'm kind of like, if no one wants to do the job, I'll do the job kind of guy.

[Katie Nolan]

Interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of like a blue guy.

[Jack]

Yeah, Very gluish kind of.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's a gluish.

[Vic]

When I'm at. I'm sorry.

[Alex]

Sorry.

[Vic]

When I'm at the. When I'm at the point taking the face off, I usually snap it back and then I do go on offense. I know that I tend. I'm more of like a midfield guy, lean offense. And I play a lot right in front of the goalie. I do a lot of screening, clean up a lot of garbage goals.

[Katie Nolan]

So you get a lot of stats. Some deflections, but a lot of stats. A lot of cleanup stats.

[Jack]

Now, are you winning the majority of those face offs?

[Vic]

It depends on who I'm facing off against. Usually the people who face off don't want to do it. Including, kind of including myself.

[Katie Nolan]

I get it.

[Jake Johnson]

But why is that?

[Vic]

Like, there's like one or two guys who win.

[Katie Nolan]

He can get slapped pretty easily, get hurt.

[Vic]

Alex, you could ask. You could ask Alex. He doesn't take face off.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, hold on, hold on, hold on. You're not the brakes when we go to sweet Alex.

[Jack]

The breaks there, baby. Jack, would. I'm sure you're familiar with the term cherry picking, do you feel like you're ever guilty of anything like that? And that's a me question that's not coming from any. Anyone else.

[Vic]

I mean, that.

[Katie Nolan]

That.

[Vic]

That has been accused.

[Katie Nolan]

I think I get it.

[Vic]

You know, I played a lot of NHL and, you know, on the video games, I think positioning is something that's very important. And I think I'm a sneaky guy. I can sneak back. I play in front of the goal a lot, but I'm a good defender. And I. I know there's been other accusations from my. My colleague on the call who doesn't think I'm as good at defense. But. But I don't think I cherry pick.

[Katie Nolan]

Because I do go back and forth, Jack. And no one's attacking you. Yeah, I'm just. We're. Now, as you could. As you could tell when this started, I got excited.

[Jack]

Yeah, it was crazy.

[Katie Nolan]

But now I'm hearing another picture, and that is.

[Jack]

Remember that, Katie?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I do.

[Katie Nolan]

But we're not there anymore. It's in the past.

[Vic]

Let it go.

[Jack]

He's like parcels. He was like, grabbing his butt at clay. Real talk.

[Katie Nolan]

I was at the combine.

[Jake Johnson]

Tell me what you're carrying around.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, but, Jack, we do also. I'm a guy who played a little floor hockey in my life.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, here we go.

[Jack]

I mean, what the. We all.

[Jake Johnson]

Where did you rank out of 15?

[Jack]

Yeah, here we go. Here we go.

[Katie Nolan]

Probably two out of three. I walk around it about five, 10, maybe.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I don't think we've asked the most important question of Jack, which is, where do you rank yourself? We're not there yet. Okay, my bad. I forgot we had to get all this other random stuff out of the way first.

[Katie Nolan]

You mean the whole show?

[Jack]

Hey, Jack, nipple wise, what are you dealing with? Are they big? Are they small? What do they look like? Are they dinner plates? Are they babies? What are we doing? Are they cat penises? Jake, not you.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Jack, I have to check. So, Jack, when you start the guy who does the face off but then runs around around the goalie, you're getting a lot of stats. But that does not sound like a guy who's worried too much about defense.

[Vic]

I. I know. I know how it sounds. I. So we do four on four, not including the goal. If I'm at the face off, like, there's two guys kind of on the wings and one guy on defense. So if I win the face off or if I lose the face Off, I'm already kind of at the top of the point. Okay, so I take a lot of one on ones when we're on defense at the top and I try to shut down or at least cause a pass, like an errant pass right off the go.

[Katie Nolan]

I gotcha.

[Vic]

So on defense, I'm not always as close to the net, playing tightly there, but I do, I do like take on a lot of one on ones @ the point.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, that makes sense. And there's how many people are in league around 15.

[Vic]

Yeah, 15. It really depends on like, like sometimes we're down numbers, but I'd say on average about 15.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so out of a ranking of let's say 1 through 15. And let's hear the real answer here. Don't worry about how it's going to sound. You know, like in the NFL where they have the PFF rankings.

[Vic]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Where are you out of 15 in this?

[Vic]

Now, does this include goalies? Because we have like really stellar goalie. Who I think's a better goalie than I am.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think so. I, I, I don't think so. No offense to them, but I just don't think we're not, we're ranking like a, you're, you know, all around kind of the same skill set that's a goalie.

[Jack]

Numbers just tanked.

[Katie Nolan]

But, but that's exactly right. But the, the goalies are its own thing. So out of the 15, no goalies, what's your pff?

[Vic]

You know, I'd probably put myself at 2 or 3.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Vic]

I know who one probably is. Who's what hurts me because I mean, he's not, he, I don't know if I should say his name, but the.

[Jake Johnson]

Secrecy in this town.

[Jack]

You don't even know where you live.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, but who's number one?

[Jake Johnson]

Vic.

[Vic]

He's Vick. Yeah, he's very good at controlling the ball. He's a good distributor, good defense. You never want him on you. You never want to be the one. I take a lot of one on.

[Jake Johnson]

Ones on you might want him on.

[Katie Nolan]

You, you know, especially Vic. Why say girl? I'm just a fan. For sake.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Alex, can we go to you for a second?

[Alex]

Absolutely.

[Katie Nolan]

Where would you put vic out of 15?

[Alex]

Vic's number one. That's, I mean, everyone knows Vic's number. Okay, so, but I want, I just, I just want to say this is the first time that Jack has openly admitted that he's not number one. Like, this is a different podcast.

[Vic]

I mean, I know. Listen, listen, objectively, I do think it's Vic. Subjectively, I have to Tell myself I'm number one.

[Jack]

How do you tell yourself you're number one? What ways are you letting people know you're number one?

[Vic]

I mean, I don't think I really.

[Katie Nolan]

It's in confidence of an athlete, Jake.

[Jack]

I'm not.

[Jake Johnson]

Clearly it's outward as well, because he has gotten on. Alex.

[Jack]

Alex is calling the show. So, Alex, what is it? Just talking to a co worker or are you. Are you like a showboater?

[Vic]

I. So I will. I will, will. I will point out. I. Me and Alex have joked that I'm the only person who celebrates when he scores.

[Jake Johnson]

Gotta have a celly. That's part of the whole thing. That's part of the culture.

[Jack]

Walk us through a celebration, Jack.

[Jake Johnson]

Wild.

[Jack]

What does that look like for you?

[Vic]

I mean, back in the day, I'd like. This is really dorky. I'd shoot, like, let's say, hit a slap shot. Now I drop the stick kind of down my left hand. I'm a righty down my left hand. Like. Like, you're like, putting away a sword.

[Katie Nolan]

I've been described.

[Vic]

I've been described as having this, like, little. It's not like a run or a trot, but this, like, skip that I get when I. When I get a really good goal and I get excited. I do a lot of like, o. Like I make like a lot of ooh noises when something's pretty.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, let me just. Let me just get this. This. We're getting a good picture, Jack. So you said two or three, so who would be two?

[Vic]

That's the thing. I. I don't know. I think, like, it's. If you're looking at, like a tier system.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, I am.

[Vic]

Vic's tough to beat. Vic's tough to beat. There's a couple people who might be in my area that I don't think play as completely as I do.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. And where does Alex rank?

[Vic]

Alex is a new guy. He's been in the league for about a year. Alex has a couple things that I don't think are highlighted enough in the skill set.

[Katie Nolan]

Such as?

[Vic]

He, like. He, like, runs like half marathons. So he's got a lot of endurance. He can go pretty.

[Alex]

Pretty long.

[Vic]

Long.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay.

[Vic]

And he's really sticky on man coverage. Defense.

[Katie Nolan]

Great.

[Vic]

He mans up on you. It's. It's really annoying. It's really frustrating. Alex, very sticky on defense, particularly.

[Jake Johnson]

These are all compliments.

[Jack]

Yeah, it's very diplomatic.

[Katie Nolan]

Good cardio. Good defense. Keep going, Jack.

[Vic]

Yeah. What he needs to work on. And I've. I've offered to help him with this because this is that confidence thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, there it is. There it is.

[Jack]

Imagine after a floor I could gave someone be like, do you want me to teach you something?

[Jake Johnson]

One on one coaching. I am available. Why don't you come over to my house like this.

[Jack]

I'll train you in the garage.

[Katie Nolan]

That is a great way to trash talk. That is after a basketball game, go like, hey, really good game, man. If you want, why don't you come by the house? I'll teach you some boy. So. So what do you think that Alex needs help on? And then, Alex, you are going to have a chance for a rebuttal.

[Vic]

There. There is a place on the stick. Our sticks are a little, little cheaper. They're a little floppy at the end. And I think in hockey, there's. They're plastic. They're plastic on the end.

[Katie Nolan]

And like, it's more firm in the middle.

[Jack]

In the center.

[Jake Johnson]

Slapping it.

[Vic]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Sorry. Sorry.

[Jack]

That's okay.

[Vic]

I should not have chosen the word floppy about that.

[Jake Johnson]

We all make mistakes.

[Vic]

If you. If you. If you put the ball more kind of toward the base of where the. Where like.

[Jack]

Sorry.

[Vic]

The shaft of the stick meets, like the head of the stick. That's a very firm, solid spot.

[Alex]

Spot.

[Vic]

I've learned this from, you know, five years playing six. Almost six.

[Katie Nolan]

Six.

[Vic]

And that gives you a lot more, like, a lot more. A lot more connection on the ball.

[Alex]

And you can get a lot more.

[Vic]

Like, oomph behind it, which helps your passing.

[Katie Nolan]

Jack, I gotta jump in for a second. Alex, I'm understanding the call.

[Jack]

Yeah, I am too. I am, too. I understood.

[Jake Johnson]

It's clicking.

[Jack]

I understood the call. Since the sword confession because, Jack, you're very diplomatic and you seem very rational, but it sounds like floor hockey. Jack gets a little wild. Dare I say a little annoying. But that's kind of what you're doing. Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

I don't know if I'd say annoying. I don't know about.

[Jack]

If you're playing against the guy who puts a stick in his waist like a sword.

[Katie Nolan]

Do you think Draymond Green is annoying? From the.

[Jack]

Yes. Yes. Universally, I'd love it if I'm playing against Jack.

[Jake Johnson]

I do still think yes.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so out of the Pff. Where do you put Alex?

[Vic]

I would put Alex. Middle. Middle of the pack right now. And rising.

[Jake Johnson]

So middle of the pack, say a number.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Vic]

Eight. Eight is a good number.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. Okay. But with an upward trajectory. Yeah.

[Vic]

Nothing. Nowhere to like. I was about to know where to go about. That's not True. He's got all the intangibles. He's got the brains, he's got the IQ for it. He's got the. The stamina. I think if he just looks. Let me tell him a little bit more about ball placement and shots and passing. It'd be a phenomenal product.

[Jack]

Okay. Okay, I'm gonna jump in. Here's what I don't think is gonna happen. I don't think Alex is gonna want to be under your tutelage. I. And I understand why, but. Jake, Katie. Yeah, Alex, this call was about. The problem is that Jack thinks he's better than he is.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes, but then. Hold on. But we're almost there. Okay, so now, Alex, where would you rate jack out of 15?

[Alex]

Middle of the pack.

[Katie Nolan]

That's not.

[Jake Johnson]

We just said. That's not an acceptable answer.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, but. So what's a number you give.

[Jake Johnson]

Remember moments ago?

[Alex]

Well, I'll. I'll give him like six, seven.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, wow.

[Jack]

So one better than you.

[Katie Nolan]

So your pff for Jack is a seven. Jack's PFF for you is an eight. But out of 15, the middle of the pack would be a seven and a half. Right. So you guys are both. You see him as around a seven and a half. He sees you around a seven and a half. Is that accurate to you, Alex?

[Alex]

Yeah, it is, Jack. That feels very accurate.

[Katie Nolan]

Do you see you and Alex at a very similar pff?

[Vic]

Not at this time, though.

[Katie Nolan]

So you see yourself a lot better than him?

[Vic]

I wouldn't say a lot better, but better. I think I've got a lot more experience.

[Alex]

You put yourself at two and I'm down. Down at like eight.

[Vic]

That's not that far apart from each other.

[Katie Nolan]

Fifteen and is. And so, Alex, when you hear that, what do you think?

[Alex]

I'm hurt. I'll be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay.

[Katie Nolan]

Well, we're g. So is there a.

[Jake Johnson]

Also new. I think that's a detail that we have to like. This is his first year.

[Jack]

That's true.

[Katie Nolan]

But by the way, he's just trying.

[Jake Johnson]

To be a first year glue guy. That's tough. You got to really have a personality to be the guy that brings everybody together when you're the last one in the room. So I feel like. Like I feel for. For Alex in this situation.

[Katie Nolan]

This isn't participation awards.

[Jack]

Oh, here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop saying pff. This is hockey. This is not.

[Jack]

Are you. Are you getting paid every time you say pff?

[Jake Johnson]

Do you have a deal with Collins words?

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, this is the pff. This is sports.

[Jack]

The pff.

[Katie Nolan]

This Is sports Y. Alex, I've got a question for you. And Jack, a question for you. If you guys were to play one on one.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh boy.

[Katie Nolan]

Whose skill set with no goalies, whose skill set would be better at that? Because guess what, defense? If you play one on one in basketball and you're a defensive specialist and you're playing against somebody who's a cherry picker to score, I don't know who's going to win that game. So Jack, who do you think wins if you guys play one on one on that court? Open nets. Who do you think wins and by what score?

[Vic]

I do think I win that. We discussed having a skill contest to figure out who was better.

[Jake Johnson]

Amazing.

[Vic]

And Alex declined.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, well, we're not there yet.

[Vic]

Which is rough.

[Katie Nolan]

We're not there yet.

[Vic]

Yeah, I think. Is there like a score limit? Like first to number first to 10.

[Jack]

10.

[Vic]

Or is it like a timer?

[Katie Nolan]

10.

[Vic]

First to 10. I think I, I think I win that 10 to 4.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, Alex, the same match, same court, center drop, one on one, open net. Do you think you win?

[Alex]

No, I don't.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so you think because, Because I.

[Alex]

I, I, I think my value to the team is what I do for.

[Jake Johnson]

The team to just Yourself? Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, yeah. You have great court vision. So Alex, how would you like to do something to test your skills? How can we find something that is a concrete way to see if you and Jack are in fact equal pffs? Because that's what this call is about. I'll tell you what, I don't think this calls about Jack and Alex is hurting feelings and being mad at each other. Because I'll tell you what this is, is this is floor hockey. Now Gareth and I know this because we get very vicious via texts when it comes to sports stuff. And in the end it's all for fun. So if this gets real and you guys are really getting your feelings hurt, then you got to shake it off. We're talking about floor hockey. You guys are adults. You guys are in your 20s. It's over for you guys at a school. I think your real, your real PFF0. Very similar to my PFF at every sport.

[Jake Johnson]

Either one of them is a gym teacher is all I want to know.

[Katie Nolan]

But what we need to get to guys, is there's a way where the rubber is going to meet the road on this and that you guys are going to have a either a skill off or a something off that you both agree to. That is a fair. Or we could pull the whole team.

[Jack]

Go ahead, G. That's what I would say. Let's do a survivor thing because the issue is where does Jack actually rank? So I would say let's just get a box out anonymously. People can write down the show.

[Katie Nolan]

Could email people individually.

[Jack]

Yes. And out of 15, where do you think Jack ranks?

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, we can also say where do you think Jack, Alex?

[Jake Johnson]

But you guys can't campaign. That's important. Like, I don't feel like you can tell. You're not allowed to poison the well or inform anybody about anything.

[Katie Nolan]

Why don't we do this? We'll send a email. If you guys give us a group email to the thing and we'll say it is all anonymous. Do not vote in players who have not. We don't need somebody. Doesn't have to end up being 15 out of 15. You're just putting Alex's PFF and Jack's PFF.

[Jake Johnson]

I think we should drop the PFF. I don't think they're going to know what you're talking about if you just say ranking. I think they'll know what you're. They'll definitely know what you're talking about.

[Jack]

Yeah, I mean, is it important for you to know what they're talking about, Jake? Of course, cuz I mean, again, you've made $11,000 off of your PFF name drops. But at some point clarity is going to be important.

[Katie Nolan]

But what do you guys think, Jack and Alex, about sending something out there and getting everybody.

[Jack]

The people who don't know PFF are listening to this call. Like what the are they talking about?

[Katie Nolan]

I think it's a perfect comp for this.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're not doing at each position. You're doing the whole league. So it's just a lead ranking.

[Katie Nolan]

Said it by now. It's pro football profession, pro football.

[Jake Johnson]

Pro football.

[Jack]

Something fantasy. I love this admission.

[Jake Johnson]

Focus. Pro Football Focus. That's right, pro.

[Katie Nolan]

But they're pf. The Pro football Focus ranking.

[Jake Johnson]

Mostly the whole time.

[Jack]

Jake, are you pushing back on what the acronym you've used 10 times.

[Katie Nolan]

No idea what it stands for. I just know they do it and then they rank you out of the word.

[Jake Johnson]

I can tell you the word you're looking for is ranking. It's the ranking we've had to use this whole time.

[Katie Nolan]

I like ranking.

[Jake Johnson]

We didn't have to brand it. Didn't have to be brought to you by ccm. But it could be.

[Jack]

Have you never heard that word before, Jake? That's the only excuse.

[Katie Nolan]

Rain. I like rain Keen. All right, so let's do this madeup word that Katie came up with, let's. Let's send an email to the team and figure out what your ranking is. What do you think about something like that? Alex, what's your comfort level on. On that?

[Alex]

See, I, I like that. I've suggested that in the past. Jack thought. Jack thought that it would make others in the league uncomfortable because we were, we were talking about ranking, ranking everybody.

[Katie Nolan]

Jack, we're not ranking everyone. We're just ranking YouTube maniacs. And we're taking the fall because this is a podcast and we live in this kind of weirdness. So we're saying for our show, do not rank other players. But your PFF out of 15. Your ranking out of 15 is. Thank you. Is we are asking where Jack is. Things to keep in mind and we can agree on what decides a ranking. It's value to the team. It's deep. It's all these things. It's the whole picture. Goalie's not included. Can you email the show? Everybody's email and we can do a BCC to everybody. We're going to email the people immediately. No campaigning. And then we'll have you both on and we'll reveal the numbers. And no hurt feelings, no sadness. No. Like that didn't feel good. This is what it is. This is just what your pff is at this moment in time. Can it change? Yes. Will it change?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Vic]

Sounds good to me.

[Katie Nolan]

And will you guys both live with these numbers? And Jack, if it's not what you like, will you not create a weird spin? Will you just accept it? And Alex, if you're at an eight and Jack's at a two, do then. Guess what, buddy, you got to get a little bit better and maybe take a lesson.

[Jack]

Can I throw in a link to that?

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah.

[Jack]

If Jack. If we count the votes and Jack comes back in one or two, Alex will take a Jack lesson. That sounds gross. Alex will take a lesson from Jack.

[Katie Nolan]

But by the way, how about this? If there's a six point difference and Jack is six players better, Alex, will you allow Jack to give you a lesson? Lesson?

[Alex]

Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Okay.

[Jack]

If.

[Katie Nolan]

If you guys are closer. Hold on. If you are within three, Jack, will you apologize for offering lessons after a game. After a game and say in front of people. In front of people. I'm a little out of control to be offering this. We're pretty similar players.

[Vic]

Sure thing.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. Okay, great. So now we have a bet. So we are going to email everybody. We'll get the response back and then we will finish this Thing up off.

[Alex]

Is there, Is there no world in which I'm six places better than Jack?

[Jack]

There's not.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Jack]

Alex, we love you, but we've got.

[Jake Johnson]

To know you as an Alex guy. As an Alex guy.

[Jack]

I, I, no, unfortunately that's just a there, buddy. I, no, yeah, no, we all want you to be great, Alex, but it's your first year and it's, it's not happening. So if that happens, Jake and I will give you a lesson.

[Katie Nolan]

No, yeah, yeah, agreed. But we'll see. Let's. So let's. Will you guys. Which one of you, Alex or Jack, has everyone's email? I know one of you guys does because it's a group email.

[Alex]

Oh, we both do. We both have everyone.

[Katie Nolan]

So will you then, Alex, we're going to have you be the point guy. Will you send that list to the show email and we'll do that right now?

[Alex]

Yeah, I could. Yeah, I can do that.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, why don't we do this?

[Vic]

Can we give any warning to the team?

[Katie Nolan]

Why don't we do this? Let's pen the email right now.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

As a group. So everybody's in agreement?

[Jack]

Yeah. To your question, Jack. No, I think we'll just send it out and I agree. You know, hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Two lawyers and a doctor here.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, Just wondering, so Natalie or Jesse, can you guys open up the email from the show just for the body of the email?

[Erica]

Yeah, I've got it ready.

[Katie Nolan]

I'll. So Alex and Jack, we're going to set this up pretty clean and make sure you're both happy with everything that's in there before we send it.

[Vic]

That makes sense to me.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Katie, you want to start the email?

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, team Perfect. Hope all is well. Crazy out there, huh? Quick order of business. It has come to not come to our attention. The issue has. Don't want to call it an issue for the sake of research.

[Jack]

Great.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

We were wondering if it would be possible for everyone to please. Rank. Rank.

[Jack]

Can I just say parenthesis Pff, Please.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry. I'm so sorry. Did I just say rank?

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah, keep going, keep going. You're on fire.

[Jake Johnson]

Rank on one. Not everybody, I guess. Actually, I do feel like we would have to get the, the number we've been using. A fake number.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But are there 15 people on the email? Like whatever the number is, it should.

[Katie Nolan]

Reflect however many people get check right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. I would love that. I'll keep writing my fake email while you do that and then you can just jump in whenever you have if you wouldn't mind ranking two players in our league before we say the names of these two players? I will say that the. This will all be anonymous. Please don't lie in any way or reply all.

[Katie Nolan]

Just send us.

[Jake Johnson]

Just send. Very important. I. I would even reply. I would write that again at the bottom in. In like bold of like. Do not reply all.

[Jack]

It's a BCC though. I think you're okay. Keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Oh, good point. Ple. Don't let any outside influence. What we're looking for is to place two players whose names I will give you in a moment on a ranking system. So if you believe one of them to be the second best and one of them to be the seventh, you will write their names 2 and 7. And then we will. You'll send it to us. The names.

[Vic]

It looks like 15 is exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Look at us.

[Katie Nolan]

Things to keep in mind.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

For what makes a great player.

[Jake Johnson]

Pff.

[Katie Nolan]

Pff. Scoring defense. Court. Vision. Teammate. Ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way.

[Jake Johnson]

Plus minus is.

[Katie Nolan]

Are we missing anything, Alex, in the character in the player description that you feel like should be in there?

[Alex]

I think iq. I think IQ is important.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. I'm okay with that. Jack.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know.

[Katie Nolan]

Missing anything in there that you feel is important.

[Vic]

I think like an endurance thing.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Just comment. But that's mean something to Jack. He's fair.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Alex]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

So then thank you.

[Vic]

Thank you, Jake.

[Katie Nolan]

You're very welcome, Jack.

[Jake Johnson]

No kiss about it.

[Jack]

Jesus.

[Katie Nolan]

You too.

[Jack]

Get a zoom.

[Katie Nolan]

How's that end of that stick you're talking about? Is it Jason hard? Where should I hit the ball?

[Jake Johnson]

Right by the shaft.

[Katie Nolan]

Right by the shaft.

[Jack]

Katie.

[Katie Nolan]

So, Jesse.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Will you read back what this letter is?

[Jack]

That'd be great if Jesse wasn't writing this down.

[Jake Johnson]

I actually prefer it because now I'm like, I might not have made sense.

[Jack]

That was great. That was great, Katie.

[Jake Johnson]

That was really great.

[Jack]

Thanks, guys.

[Katie Nolan]

Let's hear what we got.

[Erica]

All right, this is what I've got right.

[Jack]

Right now.

[Erica]

Hey, team. Hope all's well. Quick order of business.

[Katie Nolan]

Wait.

[Jake Johnson]

You got the crazy out there.

[Katie Nolan]

Crazy out there.

[Jake Johnson]

Crazy out there.

[Jack]

Jesse, are you. Are you trying to remove the ability to make a little small talk up top about how crazy things are out there?

[Erica]

I guess I was just there.

[Katie Nolan]

Who we are.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's. Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes. I think after crazy out there, we should say we are writing you from our podcast. We're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

Available wherever.

[Jack]

Get your podcast available.

[Katie Nolan]

Get podcast in this episode two of your teammates have called in trying to figure out their official PFF ranking in your Wednesday night league.

[Jack]

Jake, we have to. And I. I know you have a sponsorship with the. The term pff. It's just. It's just gonna. Just ranking. It's gonna throw. It's going to throw. It's a football term.

[Katie Nolan]

Jesse, if you want to beep out some of my pff, go ahead, but leave at least seven.

[Jack]

No, the title of this episode is bff, first of all.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so then. And then can you start over with that added in? And can we see where this letter's at? Guys, I know this is tedious. It's. It's even worse for the listeners. But it's important.

[Jack]

Title.

[Jake Johnson]

New. That's the middle of the day day.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. Oh, it's.

[Alex]

It's a lunchtime.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, it's a lunchtime thing. Okay. Okay. So can we.

[Jake Johnson]

It changes everything to me. I thought the sun was down.

[Katie Nolan]

Same. Even better. Okay, so can we start over, Jesse, and see where we're at?

[Erica]

Yeah. So I've got. Hey, team. Hope all's well. Crazy out there, huh? We are writing you from the podcast. We're here to help in this. Oh, in. In one of our episodes, two of your teammates have called in trying to determine their individual ranking in your Wednesday afternoon league.

[Katie Nolan]

I think you forgot. Pff. Keep going.

[Jack]

Yeah, there's a decision.

[Katie Nolan]

He's a real editor. Jesus.

[Jack]

Smart.

[Erica]

Before we. So then I guess we'll just cut straight down to before we say the name of these two players. Just know this will be anonymous.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Erica]

Don't let any outside influence get in the way.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes.

[Erica]

The names are Jack and Alex.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel like the thing you came up with of the things we're ranking them for should come before even their names. Things to consider. Great at it. 1, 2, 3.

[Katie Nolan]

Agreed. And did you write any of those down, Jesse?

[Erica]

I think I wrote all of them down.

[Katie Nolan]

Can we hear to make sure Alex and Jack are happy with it? Because those are the two guys who matter the most in this.

[Erica]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

Definitely not the audience. Yeah.

[Jack]

Okay. Okay.

[Erica]

So two of your. Two of your teammates have called in trying to determine their individual ranking in your Wednesday afternoon league. Things to consider. Scoring, defense, Court vision, team, teammate. Ability to affect the game in a positive or negative way. Parentheses, plus or minus passing iq. Endurance.

[Katie Nolan]

Jack. Happy.

[Vic]

The only edit is make sure it's Alex K. Because we have another Alex.

[Jack]

Oh, real name.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. Very important.

[Erica]

Are these your real names? Because I can just put that in right now.

[Katie Nolan]

He'll put the real names in these.

[Vic]

Are our real names.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's why we don't know where are.

[Jack]

Yeah, that's right.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay. Alex, are you happy?

[Alex]

Yeah, that sounds great.

[Katie Nolan]

Okay, so then I think make it.

[Jake Johnson]

Make it overly clear that you don't need people to reply about each one of those categories, that you're just looking for those categories to be considered when reaching one number between 1 and 15.

[Katie Nolan]

15. That's exactly right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Erica]

Got it.

[Jack]

Do we want to say. Say, don't put it.

[Katie Nolan]

Go ahead.

[Jack]

Well, do you want to put a timeline on the reply?

[Katie Nolan]

Can you please respond immediately?

[Jack]

Yeah, please respond.

[Katie Nolan]

All you need to respond to is take a number for each.

[Jack]

Take your time and think. But please respond as fast as possible.

[Katie Nolan]

And please don't do this thinking about people's feelings.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Katie Nolan]

These are all adults. We need actual rankings.

[Jack]

Now. That's a pff. Pro football feelings.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes. But can you. But I think that's important to put in because I don't want people going like they're both number one. Done.

[Jack]

In my heart.

[Katie Nolan]

Yes. No.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

We're getting real pffs here.

[Jack]

Exactly. PFF forever. Yeah.

[Erica]

What's the time frame? How quickly do we want it in?

[Jack]

Within the hour.

[Katie Nolan]

Please respond as soon as you get this. It shouldn't take that long.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And. And the cutoff. Give them a cutoff so they know what that like be like. It cut off before polls close. Stay in line. But the polls close.

[Katie Nolan]

Polls close those. Midnight tonight.

[Jack]

Midnight's amazing. Okay. I can't go to bed yet. Yeah. Ranking. Okay, great.

[Katie Nolan]

And then, guys, when we get these things, we're going to call you back on and reveal the number in the followup.

[Vic]

Amazing.

[Katie Nolan]

Alice, you called in. Are you happy with the call?

[Alex]

I. I couldn't be happier with this outcome. This is really what I've been looking for. I. I've been eating. I've been eating a pff.

[Jack]

Where would you pff. Rank the call? Alex. Thank you.

[Alex]

I don't have other calls, so you.

[Jake Johnson]

Could have just said number one, but.

[Jack]

Okay, whatever.

[Katie Nolan]

Jack, you were a visitor on this call. Are you happy with how it all works? Went.

[Vic]

I. I feel. I worry about the. The villain.

[Jack]

The.

[Vic]

The picture that Alex has painted of.

[Katie Nolan]

Me as a villain.

[Vic]

But other than that, had a wonderful time.

[Jack]

First of all, you painted it, and second of all, Jake bought it.

[Katie Nolan]

Second of all, I tattooed it on my back.

[Jack]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

So, guys, we will follow up with both of you, and then we're going to do whatever the thing is, we decided we're going to finish the bed. Everybody's going to be happy. We're going to move on. Deal? Deal.

[Alex]

Sounds good. Cool.

[Katie Nolan]

Love it, guys. Katie, thank you for joining us.

[Jack]

Katie, thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you guys for having me.

[Katie Nolan]

Really fun.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for having me.

[Katie Nolan]

Yeah. Really fun stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Alex, I also do want to know. Let me know who wins.

[Katie Nolan]

Of course we will. It's a big thing now.

[Jack]

Well, this. This whole call is being turned into a movie. I don't know if you heard that. So you'll be able to. It's called PFF.

[Katie Nolan]

A 30 for 30. All right, thank you guys for the call. We'll follow up as soon as we have info.

[Vic]

Thank you very much.

[Katie Nolan]

Bye, guys.

[Jack]

Oh, wow. Kate, thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, what a blast. Such a funny call.

[Jack]

That's our longest call.

[Jake Johnson]

Was it really?

[Jack]

I think it is, yes.

[Erica]

That was like more than an hour.

[Katie Nolan]

Was it really?

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't feel like it at all. I think it flew by.

[Jack]

Katie, thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, thank you for.

[Jack]

You were great.

[Katie Nolan]

Really a blast.

[Jake Johnson]

Fun.

[Jack]

Really was truly our longest call, so thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

I cannot believe that I really do want to know. I'm hoping. I'm, like, gunning. I want them to be like 2 and 5. Like, I want it to be a little closer.

[Katie Nolan]

I want Alex to be close.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Katie Nolan]

I think we all want. We all want Jack to lose, but we're going to have to be honest with this.

[Jack]

When Alex is like, what if I beat Jack?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we don't want to consider that. That's enough.

[Jack]

Yeah, I don't think so. Have a good life.

[Jake Johnson]

Come here, short king.

[Jack]

Well, thank you, guys. Thank you, guys.

[Katie Nolan]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our podcast [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Erica]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Jack]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Natalie]

All video episodes of season one are.

[Katie Nolan]

Available now on Patreon, and season two.

[Jake Johnson]

Video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.