155: Jake's Faves: Twin Circumcision & Watermelon Thighs (with Max Greenfield)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 155: Jake's Faves: Twin Circumcision & Watermelon Thighs (with Max Greenfield)
Release Date: March 19, 2025
Host/Authors: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Max Greenfield

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Introduction to Episode

In Episode 155 of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds navigate two rather unconventional caller inquiries: one involving twin circumcision and familial tensions, and another centered around a humorous yet earnest challenge to crush a watermelon between one's thighs. This episode also features a special guest appearance by actor Max Greenfield, adding an extra layer of entertainment and insight.

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Caller Segment 1: Twin Circumcision Dilemma

Caller: Robert from Kansas, 32 years old.

Issue: Robert seeks advice on determining whether his identical twin brother, Paul, is circumcised. The confusion stems from conflicting messages between their spouses—Robert and Paul's wives have communicated that while Robert chose circumcision for his newborn son, Paul’s family has indicated they will not circumcise their future children since Paul is not circumcised himself.

Discussion Highlights:

• Family Dynamics and Communication Gaps:

  • [17:35] Jake Johnson: “Are you guys fraternal or identical? If you're identical, your parents are doing weird science stuff.”
  • [19:15] Gareth Reynolds: “Are you guys identical? Yes, you’re cut. He doesn’t know, but his wife is not.”

• Potential Reasons Behind the Differing Decisions:

  • The brothers were circumcised differently, possibly to help parents distinguish between them as newborns.
  • Robert expresses uncertainty about bringing up the topic directly with Paul due to potential awkwardness and lack of knowledge about circumcision on Paul’s part.

• Advice Pitches:

  • Direct Approach: [22:18] Gareth Reynolds: “Yeah, that's your easy path.”
  • Subtle Observation: [23:27] Jake Johnson: “Any chance you could ask your brother to come out and compare dicks?”
  • Involving Parents and Spouses: [39:15] Jake Johnson: “Consider having your wife talk to Paul's wife.”

Notable Quotes:

• "[17:35] Gareth Reynolds: Well, the hell that is." – Expressing disbelief at the unusual nature of the question.
• "[19:23] Robert: You can call him Paul." – Clarifying the brother's name for the conversation.

Conclusion for Robert's Call:

After various comedic and awkward pitch attempts, Jake and Gareth settle on advising Robert to approach the situation by having a heartfelt conversation with his parents, emphasizing transparency and honesty to uncover the reason behind the differing circumcision statuses. They suggest that this approach would be more effective and less confrontational than trying to directly observe or coax the information out of Paul or their spouses.

---

Caller Segment 2: The Gecko Conundrum

Caller: Max Greenfield as Sarah from Utah, 23 years old.

Issue: Max recounts a predicament where he sold his leopard gecko, "Binks," due to moving house. However, two days prior to his departure, he attended a family barbecue where a six-year-old boy, Timmy, asks when he will get to watch the gecko. Max had previously assured Timmy that he could watch Binks while he was on vacation, leading to confusion and guilt upon realizing the gecko was already sold.

Discussion Highlights:

• The Nature of the Lie:

  • Max admits to selling Binks a month and a half prior to the barbecue but lied to Timmy about returning the gecko on May 21.
  • [34:09] Jake Johnson: “Robert, it opens up a big can of worms about your family in a real way.”

• Emergency Solutions Pitched:

  • Creating a Fake Situation: Gareth suggests staging a scenario where the gecko appears to have died, involving elaborate lies.
    • [35:53] Natalie: “Maybe I should look at mine again.”
  • Utilizing a Replacement Gecko: Jake recommends purchasing a low-cost gecko to provide Timmy with a new pet, thereby resolving the deceit.
    • [50:01] Jake Johnson: “Go and spend 40 bucks on the little lizard, 15 bucks on the little cage...”

• Ethical Considerations:

  • Natalie emphasizes not involving Timmy directly and instead dealing with the parents to own up to the lie.
    • [56:43] Natalie: “Take care of me. I'm not eating roaches.”

Notable Quotes:

• "[34:26] Jake Johnson: “How about just this? He wants one so badly. I. If it's okay.”
• "[50:07] Jake Johnson: "What is a gecko? When you said you sold it on the market, what does a gecko run for? Is it 10 bucks? Is it 500 bucks?"

Conclusion for Max's Call:

After numerous comedic and outlandish suggestions, the hosts collectively agree that the most responsible and least harmful approach for Max is to be honest with Timmy's parents about the sale of Binks. This transparency would mitigate the deceit and prevent further emotional distress for the child. Jake recommends Max purchase an affordable gecko from a pet store to fulfill Timmy's expectations, ensuring that the young boy’s attachment and excitement are responsibly managed.

---

Caller Segment 3: Watermelon Thighs Challenge

Caller: Oliver from Long Island, New York, 25 years old.

Issue: Oliver is embarking on a personal fitness documentary with the ambitious goal of crushing a watermelon between his thighs. Having plateaued at 290 pounds, Oliver seeks advice on how to achieve this unique and physically demanding feat.

Discussion Highlights:

• Establishing the Goal:

  • [73:22] Oliver: “The goal that I set myself is I want to be able to crush a Watermelon between my thighs.”

• Training and Preparation:

  • Jake humorously critiques Oliver's approach, suggesting that real-world practice on an actual farm would be more effective than gym training.
    • [79:45] Jake Johnson: “A gym is not the place to learn to squash melons, okay? A farm is.”

• Comedic Advice Pitches:

  • Practical Training: Encouraging Oliver to engage directly with melons in suitable environments rather than relying solely on gym equipment.
    • [80:06] Jake Johnson: “Go find a watermelon farmer and just give them the pitch.”
  • Creative Solutions: Proposing strategies like using rubber bands to weaken the melon or starting with smaller fruits to build confidence.
    • [84:00] Natalie: “You gotta keep on theme. It's melons, but I like plural.”

• Support and Encouragement:

  • Despite the outlandishness, the hosts support Oliver’s determination while injecting humor to keep the mood light.
    • [85:00] Jake Johnson: “Don't shut up. Have your confidence up.”

Notable Quotes:

• "[73:38] Jake Johnson: “And now you were a 400 pounder, my man. Almost.”
• "[84:02] Jake Johnson: “You got anything here, Gareth?”

Conclusion for Oliver's Call:

While the advice offerings are filled with humor and creative suggestions, the overarching recommendation is for Oliver to pursue his goal through direct engagement with watermelons in appropriate settings, such as farms, to gain the necessary strength and technique. The hosts emphasize consistency in training and adopting a pragmatic approach over merely gym-based workouts. Additionally, they encourage Oliver to document his journey authentically, balancing his personal goals with the entertainment value of his documentary.

---

Guest Segment: Max Greenfield's Participation

Throughout the episode, Max Greenfield not only calls in as a guest but also participates in the comedic reenactments of caller scenarios, adding depth and humor to the discussions. His involvement bridges the gap between the hosts and the callers, fostering a lively and engaging atmosphere.

Notable Interaction:

• [12:09] Jake Johnson: “But Gareth, how much carrots do you like?”
• [17:09] Gareth Reynolds: “Max Greenfield special.”

Max leverages his acting prowess to embody different characters during the advice segments, enhancing the entertainment value while offering genuine insights into resolving the callers' issues.

---

Conclusion and Takeaways

Episode 155 of We're Here to Help excels in blending humor with earnest advice, tackling unusual and sensitive topics with a light-hearted approach. Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, alongside guest Max Greenfield, navigate each caller's predicament with creativity and comedic flair, ensuring listeners are both entertained and possibly informed by the unconventional advice pillars.

Key Takeaways:

1. Honesty is the Best Policy: Both Robert and Max benefit from the hosts' guidance to embrace transparency in their respective situations, promoting healthier relational dynamics.
2. Creative Problem-Solving: The episode showcases how unconventional problems can be addressed with innovative and humorous solutions, even if they initially seem out of the ordinary.
3. Support Systems Matter: Whether dealing with familial expectations or personal fitness challenges, the importance of a supportive network is underscored throughout the conversations.

Notable Quotes Recapped:

• "[17:35] Jake Johnson: “Are you guys fraternal or identical? If you're identical, your parents are doing weird science stuff.”*
• "[35:16] Natalie: “Don't involve the boy. You're pretending we're twins.”*
• "[73:22] Oliver: “The goal that I set myself is I want to be able to crush a Watermelon between my thighs.”*

---

We're Here to Help continues to deliver unique and engaging content, proving that no question is too bizarre for Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds to tackle with a blend of sincerity and humor. Whether you're seeking advice or simply enjoy entertaining podcasts, Episode 155 offers a memorable listening experience.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Max Greenfield]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Natalie]

Sorry, do we legally have to say that?

[Jake Johnson]

No, this is just how I talk.

[Oliver]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Max Greenfield]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

We are.

[Jake Johnson]

What were you saying I didn't want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we've obviously since. Since Nata. Now, I guess this will precede the.

[Jake Johnson]

I know it. Our order is weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But we just set it up, Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we finally, you know, as we crew up, as we crew out, as we posse up. We. You.

[Jake Johnson]

Holy coy. Cool terms this morning, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I haven't even brushed my teeth. We now. I don't know exactly how we stumbled on it, but the crew's starting to get some nicknames. We got Jesse, who's. Who's J Dog. And that's fine. That's good for him. But the one that really hit was Nat attack Natalie our producer is now.

[Jake Johnson]

100 sold on J dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, that's fine, but I'm not against it. I'm not. I'm not. I am not gonna fight for it.

[Jake Johnson]

But Wabi Wob is great, but we didn't create that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super established. We can't give Rob a nickname because Armchair. Agreed already. Yeah. He's Wobby W. And I almost don't feel comfortable using it because it's not art. Like. I agree, but. But he's. He's how. Whatever. He skirted it. But Nat Natalie. Nat Attack.

[Jake Johnson]

She's ours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's cooked.

[Jake Johnson]

Nat Attack is what is ours now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And. And we should say people will hear the origin. But we didn't. We didn't come up with it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, we didn't. The caller did. Today is a re. Release some calls. And I'll tell you what, we're doing a little bit on these, which is fun for Gareth and I is the other guy doesn't know this is. We're going to each curate every once in a while and we'll get together and so I'll tell you what we're doing on this one, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Max Greenfield special.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, do the calls always have to be with our guest or can we do any call? Okay, yeah, whatever we want. Because I know one I'm gonna do and I want one. Carte blanche. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Greenfield, I don't. I would say when I pick mine, I make my rules. When you pick yours, you make your rules.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My rules are there are no rules. And that's for every rule.

[Jake Johnson]

Always, ever said you're trying to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So listen. Listen to this show. Way younger. Listen to the show. If you want to hear some problem with how I speak and say dorky things, I love that. Max has been a phenomenal.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best guest on our show.

[Jake Johnson]

And to talk about the show while we're making the show, which is something we've gotten very into doing because. Fun. Because also it's a podcast and it's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you feeling about these new Wednesdays? The freedom of them. Where you at?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. I think it. It provide. Well, first of all, being able to re. Listen to some classics is great. And I think that the stuff. The new stuff we are doing is awesome. I mean, we're.

[Jake Johnson]

You're loving where we're at.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I will find out what people think, but I think people will come along for the ride. And like we said, I mean, the deal was we were going to do one a week, and then we kind of Just decided to have some fun. Yeah. Have some fun. And it's still more work, but it's not as much, so I agree. So I think it's a good balance. How are you feeling?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm feeling excited. It's not Attack. And I have been texting a lot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, that's interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, no, Shark. And I did too. You don't actually feel sensitive about that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's fine. I text her too. I text Rob too.

[Jake Johnson]

You were texting behind the scenes, work stuff. Do you care?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but it's not personal.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not talking about how much we like each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know. It's just. Yeah, it's fine. It's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Steve said about a prank. Gareth would do it, but he's too lazy. So the stuff we're texting, you're not interested in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I'm fine.

[Jake Johnson]

I can include you in it. But a day later you would just write thumbs up and then go, love this. Great. And all the decisions have already been.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Made because that's a deadline that does happen. I'll be like. I'll be like, wait, these all happened yesterday.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you'll write. But you'll write, like, love this. In total agreement. Yeah, it's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I'm trying to. I'm easy. I like that.

[Natalie]

I like.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not accurate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is highly accurate.

[Jake Johnson]

Anyway, you're easy the way a teenage kid is easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, so you're saying I have a youthful exuberance that rubs up against your old age? Yeah, I've been saying that for a long time. Yeah. Yeah. I'm a kid and you're a dad the whole time. Let me cook.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a. It is a teenage boy and a 70 year old grandpa. This is our show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We actually do age in the other directions. 100% with. Yeah, I. I am a child in the same age body as you and you are an old man.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? It's like. We are a science experiment of two people. B born near one another.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But who lean so far in the other direction.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like twins, but with age. We've just covered.

[Jake Johnson]

You can see it's just on the end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's just on the. Like, you hang out. You're like, Jesus Christ. Like, one guy won't stop talking and the other guy's furious.

[Jake Johnson]

What? Jenner was. Unfortunately, we both won't stop talking and we're both furious. That's the gross connection. Neither of us ever shut the hell I know. It's gross.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's gross.

[Natalie]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But like we were saying, one of our guests that we had recently when we were doing, you know, we're. We've gotten better at not trying to, you know, do the tuck every time and just get it.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. We've got. Yeah, we've gotten better at also just changing because who cares? Because it's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? Let me ask you a quick question about the age thing, because that was pretty funny to me, this idea of twins and that you're closer to 18 and I'm closer to 65.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I would go 14, but. Yeah, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

I would go 70. I was trying to be nice to both of us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're like, if a liver spot was.

[Jake Johnson]

A man, what generation do you relate to? Ooh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, I. You know, there was something about the 60s that in my, like, in my, you know, era. Ish. The 60s, really?

[Jake Johnson]

For me, that's the answer you want to say. That's not it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's true. You could go take LSD and you were fighting. Talking about you were. No, no, no.

[Natalie]

I'm talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, I look. Go look at the 70s. They all had curls.

[Jake Johnson]

You know whose hair? Yours is Fessy. From the new challenge.

[Natalie]

Also, you know what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get out of my ass. That is crazy. Let me read you a little something, Jake. Here's a DM I received.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Recently, I have yet to reply to because, honestly, I don't know what to say.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I read this and I thought. I. I thought, well, don't send this to Jake, because this is just going to open a can of worms. But since we're on the subject. Hey, Gareth, Big fan, longtime listene. Have a genuine question that I've wanted to ask for a long time. How do you get those great curls? Seriously, it looked great. I know you and Jake have joked several times on the podcast about a perm, but I would be eternally grateful if you shared your secret. Kindest regards, a big fan from. Sweet.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what? I hope it's a photo of a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I bet it's you. I bet it's you.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, that would be so funny if it was me. It's not. I wish. By the way, I 100% wish I did that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, well, wait.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I say 60s because.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Because it's a cool answer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

The real answer for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. No.

[Jake Johnson]

Gen Alpha. And the real answer for me, I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Want to be smoking a joint with weirdos in a field.

[Jake Johnson]

When was the last time listening to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The joint weirdos banging someone in a shrub. Huh?

[Jake Johnson]

When was the last time you smoked a joint in a field with weirdos?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't smoke weed anymore, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly when I last time you permed your hair and worried about the tightness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not a perm. Tightness of my jeans is a regular worry. No Doub. Absolutely. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

There is nothing wrong with Gen Alpha. I'm raising two gen Alphas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, your children are 12. Stop saying that. That's who I am. What?

[Jake Johnson]

You said 14.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up. What's. What's yours? That's the question, Boomer. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Or, you know, it's really what it is. Whatever the generation was sitting in a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cafe wanting someone to take their hat off while they're eating out of respect for the flag.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's you.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what mine is? Whatever generation was the Civil War fighters. And who's like, I came to. I built this goddamn country. What are you talking about? I've got to wear a baseball. I can't wear a baseball cap. Whatever that generation was, I'm like, I think that was probably right around when I should have been.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I should be at you during the Civil War.

[Jake Johnson]

That have been moving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy needs to lighten up.

[Jake Johnson]

What, me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. They'd be like, back then, yeah, he's a little intense.

[Jake Johnson]

He's heavy dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. He sees some and did he fight in the war? No. Now he just. He just is like that.

[Jake Johnson]

He just had. He's an intense guy. So we got Max Greenfield on. Yeah, we are actually going to do something fun where I was talking to Natalie about it. I said, let's just go along because I was listening to his old episodes and really laughing. So we're gonna do all three of his calls and a follow up. So it's gonna be a really long episode. But also, who cares?

[Gareth Reynolds]

One thing I love about Matt when Max is on the show is we'll pitch things. He'll be silent for a minute and then he'll be like, what the are you guys talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we'll be like, buddy, come on. Get in the zone. We. We suggest bad things.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So everybody enjoy the show.

[Natalie]

We.

[Jake Johnson]

We know. We are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are. If nobody else says we are. The texting after yesterday, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Without further ado, this wonderful episode of we're here to help your favorite podcast. Our favorite podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed. Succeed online.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hello. Can I get your name, please?

[Robert]

Yeah, this is. This is Robert.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert.

[Natalie]

Hey, Robert.

[Jake Johnson]

Where are you calling from, Robert?

[Robert]

I'm from Kansas.

[Jake Johnson]

Kansas. And about how old are you?

[Robert]

32 years old, Robert.

[Jake Johnson]

You got a special one. My old buddy, my partner in crime. A guy I've spent more hours with than most people in my life. Close family, close quarter. In a little room, talking shit from new girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mr. Schmitty.

[Jake Johnson]

Max Green.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Back again.

[Jake Johnson]

And I would say the funniest part of Unfrosted, in my opinion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. Appreciate it, truly. Which is saying something.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you got to kill. Everybody's funny in the movie. It's a murderer's row. But Maxi G scores.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert, what can we do for you today?

[Robert]

Well, I need some advice about my twin brother. And trying to figure out whether he's circumcised or not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, the hell that is.

[Jake Johnson]

You picked a good one for Max.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Open.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So you gotta. All right, keep going, Robert. Floor's yours. Walk us through this.

[Robert]

So my wife and I recently had a son.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, congrats.

[Robert]

About six months ago. And decided that he should be circumcised. I'm circumcised. And so it's just natural that, yeah, he ought to be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Robert]

Ought to be, too. And then from. From there, we brought him home. And like you do after you bring a new baby home, family comes to visit. Twin brother and his family. His wife stopped by and congratulated us.

[Jake Johnson]

Us.

[Robert]

And it was kind of unexpected. He started to kind of question me and berate me about why we are going to circumcise it, really. I just kind of brushed it off and went on about my day and didn't think too much of it. And then my wife and his wife Were texting back and forth about it later on, a week or two later. And when they talked about it and said that whenever they decide to.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm loving it.

[Robert]

They talked about whenever they have a son, that they won't circumcise him.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh.

[Robert]

And when my wife asked why, she said, well, her husband, my twin brother, isn't circumcised.

[Jake Johnson]

What the.

[Robert]

From. From there, it just kind of got confusing. I didn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Robert]

I assumed from.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course you assumed. You. Yeah. Are you guys fraternal or identical? If you're identical. Your parents are doing weird science stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, they really. It's like. Twins.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Are you guys identical?

[Robert]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What the fuck?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What should we call your brother? Just whether it's his real name.

[Robert]

You can call him Paul.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Paul. Okay, so you're. And you're cut. And you don't think Paul is cutting?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, he doesn't know, but his. Well, his wife is not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe she doesn't know what cut is.

[Natalie]

Maybe they just did a better job on you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe his is like. Yeah, he's got that kind of mop top.

[Jake Johnson]

But so. So where else do we end up here? Because this is why. Are your parents alive?

[Robert]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Jake Johnson]

So when you brought up that you're going to circumcise your son, Paul kind of pushed back and said, like, no. And then he said, because I'm not. Why would we do this? And you said, because I was circumcised.

[Robert]

He never. He never said that to me. It was his wife who said to my wife that he's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Whoa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there any other setup on this one? Anything? You're going to be one of those.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Riddles where the answer is, like, your parents. The doctor's the mother.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So is there any other details about this?

[Robert]

It kind of sprang to mind that maybe it had something to do with. With telling us apart when we were first born. Whether.

[Natalie]

Wait.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did you do as a way.

[Jake Johnson]

To tell the boys apart? Different dicks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pull your pants down.

[Natalie]

Well, that works when you're nude.

[Robert]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

It's a tough one when you're closed.

[Jake Johnson]

Gets tougher when school starts.

[Natalie]

Unless you put your. Unless you're wearing really tight clothes or.

[Jake Johnson]

Just wearing that dick like an elephant's truck.

[Natalie]

You have a rash guard on with no underpants. Yeah, maybe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not me.

[Natalie]

No, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Like a mannequin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, we know which one's you. Can you not.

[Jake Johnson]

Mom, Why'd you cut the whole thing off? All you left was nuts. My twin brother's got a Hog down to his knees. That's a problem. This is a small issue. Having a twin brother with a cock that's way bigger, that's significant. So, Robert, just to catch up to you, you and your brother were twins. You're cut. He's uncut. Maybe it's because your parents wanted to be able to tell you apart. Is there anything else before we start getting into this? This is a wild.

[Robert]

Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so what is the specific question that we could help you with? This is a fascinating setup.

[Robert]

I want to know whether he is or not, whether he's just mistaken or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want to see your twin brother's dick? Robert, own it and just say it. Let's manifest.

[Jake Johnson]

So we now know this situation on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Does anybody have an initial pitch?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm still in a bit of shock, to be quite honest with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, let me just bring something up to you, Robert. Is there any world and you know your family bear near as. I don't want to put your parents, who are probably, if you're in your 30s, we're guessing 60s in Kansas. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable spot. But is this a world you can bring this up to mom and dad?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's your easy path.

[Robert]

It would catch them off guard, but I could. I'm not entirely sure how I would say that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so that doesn't seem comfortable. So we're looking for a way to accidentally get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there's really. There's two places where, as men, we see each other's dick.

[Natalie]

Yeah. I have a quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Natalie]

Is there a rift at the current moment between you and your brother?

[Robert]

No. We're a close family. We're a close friend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You ask because of the circumcision?

[Natalie]

Well, I said, well, I mean, why wouldn't you just ask your brother?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a fair point, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Natalie]

But also, that feels too simple.

[Robert]

Part of the reason why I didn't is because it. It's hard for me to tell whether he knows what circumcision is.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a very strange predicament.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, Max.

[Natalie]

I get that.

[Jake Johnson]

You get that. Do you know what circumcision is? Is.

[Natalie]

It's a medical. You know, it's a medical procedure.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Natalie]

I don't know every medical procedure.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this one? What? Circumcision.

[Natalie]

Give me one.

[Jake Johnson]

What? Circumcision.

[Natalie]

Where you cut the top off?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't think your brother knows that there's, like, the weird, like, skin part that some Kids get cut off and some don't.

[Natalie]

And not if it was not done to him.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, I got a question for you, Robert. Any chance you could ask your brother to come out and compare dicks?

[Oliver]

Whoa.

[Jake Johnson]

I know it's weird, but you could. Is there any world you could say we're talking. Have you done it to your son yet?

[Robert]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep. I was gonna say, if you had, you could say, I wanna see the difference before I do it to my kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, again, I'm sort of glad that we can't pursue that path. If I'm being totally honest on behalf of the show.

[Jake Johnson]

But part of it, if he doesn't know, if his brother knows, you can't just ask. Going to mom and dad does not seem like a through line. What we need to pitch on, in my opinion, is how we get. We got pants off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. We've got to do Max.

[Natalie]

Yeah. Well, one, I think it's a mistake to involve the child.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. The baby boy.

[Natalie]

Well, that was your first bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. No, no. What you say. Agree really quick. But he's talking about what you just said.

[Natalie]

You went right to. I think we need to get the boy and bring the boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring the golden child before us.

[Jake Johnson]

Misquoted. I'm not saying bring the boy's dick out. I'm saying because he said. He said no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it would be a good idea.

[Natalie]

So your brother, the boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would be a good idea. It would be a idea to run it back for the show me your dick.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I'm thinking about doing it to my son.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not how it came across.

[Jake Johnson]

Bring the boy's dick out. It's a baby, you pervert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't you get my twins dick. If you're identical twin, half that dick is mine. My guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is not legally sound.

[Natalie]

I don't think you should involve the blue boy.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, finally. Glad you came around, Jay.

[Jake Johnson]

Max. 100% agree. Don't involve the boy. Boy. That guy's. Let's say you're identical.

[Natalie]

Pointing at my dick. Yeah, it's weird doing it, man. But it's my dick got to do with anything.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm pretending we're twins.

[Natalie]

You're pretending I'm a little boy. Stop. No.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, if you're my part, you're not a baby boy.

[Natalie]

I can tell.

[Jake Johnson]

Baby boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're doing twins.

[Jake Johnson]

That little baby boy dick. Because I'm gonna circumcise you. Because I'm your dad and I'm doing it in house.

[Natalie]

I know you well enough. You're looking at me like. Like a child. Child. You've done this to me before. Really? That's.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, I'm.

[Natalie]

No, no, no. You're my brother.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not. I'm not.

[Natalie]

I don't play the brother.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not standing for. I said to you, show me your dick.

[Natalie]

Oh, boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You said, I'm the boy. I'm the baby. No, that is what you were.

[Jake Johnson]

What it came across as not going down on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kevin, put it back in the episode because I think it's very. I. I left with the same feeling.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That you were asking for me.

[Natalie]

That's why you're sitting on that couch and Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That's why we've got a couch between us.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert, Kurt, back to you and your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brother is very good.

[Jake Johnson]

We need to find a way. Are you kind of pitching and I don't want to pitch on stuff. And at the end of the day, you hang up and say, that didn't help. Right. Are you looking for a way to try to accidentally see Paul's dick?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Or are you looking for a way to have a conversation with Paul and we could help get that language right? What's the best path forward for you? Where's your gut leaning towards probably some.

[Robert]

Form of conversation, I'd say.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh.

[Robert]

I just don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

I wonder. Seen his dick. Then it felt like that's where you were leading us, and now you turned up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a shame, because I have. Great, let's see his dick pitches. I don't care.

[Jake Johnson]

The first one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The first one is you say, hey, look, I know we had a little circumcision friction.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go get a beer. And you take him to a place where, you know, the urinal's a trough, and you do a couple beers and a couple beers deep. When he gets up to go to the bathroom, you go with him and you just glance down at the schlong real quick.

[Jake Johnson]

You do the look over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

Well, I think you're right in the sense that drinks need to be involved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you guys drinkers? Robert?

[Robert]

Not so much sometimes. But I do like your idea of doing some form of kind of a bathroom look. See?

[Jake Johnson]

Kind of a sneak to see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, because Robert, you're the one that said you're not sure if he knows if he's circumcised or did someone in here say that? That.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, he doesn't know.

[Robert]

That's true. That's what I said. I don't know that he knows. What he's talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. So if there's a conversation and you go, have you been circumcised? He could say no. And he has been.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think. And I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think you're looking for evidence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got to see the dick.

[Robert]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

I really feel like it's a parents decision because there was somebody who made that call. I think this is a two parter. It's one, you should try to see the dick. And two, I actually think you should go to mom and dad over Paul.

[Natalie]

Max, what are you thinking again? I'm gonna come back to the simple. We should just ask your brother and say, hey, man. And even if he doesn't know what circumcision means. Hey, man, will you describe what your dick looks like?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, no way. With this fly in Kansas. You ain't that guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can't do it publicly.

[Jake Johnson]

You ain't that guy. All right. Hey, will you describe how your dick looks to me? I'll take you to the jiu jitsu mat right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll have some calamari for the table.

[Jake Johnson]

For talk like that.

[Natalie]

All right, You. But you. You asked. You asked. Totally sober.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

Seven drinks in. Ask me.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, man, can you just.

[Natalie]

No, you're not in. Seven drinks in.

[Jake Johnson]

I am. Seven drinks in.

[Natalie]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a problem.

[Jake Johnson]

11, 15. Hey, man.

[Natalie]

Hey. It's been a good night, man.

[Jake Johnson]

It's been fun, brother.

[Natalie]

Yeah. We don't ever do this anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

We don't do it enough. I'll tell. We got right now Robert and Paul, couple of farmers. That ain't our vibe. Yeah, man.

[Natalie]

Yeah, it's cool. Want to go roll the field different, man.

[Jake Johnson]

We are good actors, man. Hey, man, describe to me what your dick looks like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really good.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, man, what's that hog look like of yours? To the top part?

[Natalie]

You're crazy, man.

[Jake Johnson]

You are, man.

[Natalie]

My dick. You asked about my dick?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, man, just.

[Natalie]

We're identical twin brothers. We have the same dick. That'd be crazy. I never even really thought about that. We should look at him. Can you? Because, like, our faces look alike, our hair looks like, our bodies look alike. We got the same size feet. It's nuts, dude. I could, like, put my. I could put my shoes on your feet right now and they'd fit. Dude, we should see each other's dick, man. It's the one. It's like the last frontier. Let's see if everything was the same.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, hold on.

[Natalie]

And then you take them Off. And then you look at it and you get the information that you need. But. But don't. Don't like. Don't telegraph that you're trying to get that information. And then you just go like this. Same.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert. Robert, did you hear Max's pitch?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Name one flaw.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, no, hold on. I want you to. Robert, I want you to try something just as an exercise. Will you be Robert? Max, you be Paul.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And Robert, I want you to try to do your version of what Max just did to see if you can get to see your brother's dick, but do it in your world.

[Natalie]

Wait, I'm. I'm the.

[Jake Johnson]

You're the brother? Yeah, Robert, the way Max was kind of leading it, let's see if there's a world you can be influenced by that and we could help with it. Does that make sense?

[Robert]

Yeah. Yeah. I'll give it a try.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Good luck, buddy.

[Natalie]

All right. All right. So I'm. I'm. Hold on. Just to be. How old are we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

32.

[Natalie]

30. 32. And I live in Kansas.

[Jake Johnson]

And what do you guys do in Kansas? What kind of stuff?

[Robert]

Play a lot of music.

[Natalie]

What's my height and weight?

[Jake Johnson]

4 11.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mostly hogs.

[Robert]

That works. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right.

[Natalie]

Robert, don't make this a fantasy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I see you, Dicky? Yes.

[Natalie]

4 11. 4 11. 350.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, you know who can't cart with Joey?

[Natalie]

I'm sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert, go ahead.

[Robert]

Hey, buddy, how about. How about another drink there?

[Natalie]

Oh, thanks, Robert. Appreciate it. More than more. More than more than usual we're having tonight. Look at us. Look at us. Oh, man. How about them Jeeps?

[Robert]

How about them, huh?

[Natalie]

Y'all love Patrick? Yeah. Patrick. Mahomes. All right.

[Robert]

So it's a little. Little hot out here. Thinking about maybe taking my shirt off.

[Natalie]

Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah, man. I'll take my shirt off, too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Natalie]

You'Re right, man. I feel better. Awful quiet today.

[Robert]

Warm, isn't it?

[Natalie]

It's still real warm. Yeah. Dude, this place is hot as. They gotta open up some windows in this.

[Robert]

I mean, you can. You can take your f.

[Natalie]

God damn.

[Robert]

We're brother. We're brothers after.

[Natalie]

No, I was thinking the same thing. Let me just. Hold on real quick. They got this new belt. Oh, hell yeah. This feels much better just sitting here in our underpants. It's cool that nobody's saying anything either. Like, it's just they're letting us be us. They know we're brothers. They know that.

[Robert]

Yeah, they should.

[Natalie]

And we're not Friends.

[Robert]

We look. We look really, really similar.

[Natalie]

We look at west because we're identical twins. My brother and I love you.

[Robert]

Are we perfectly identical in every way you think?

[Natalie]

Well, I'm looking at you right now. Everything looks the same to me. Gosh almighty. Let me tell you something. You're handsome, too.

[Robert]

That's very nice for you to say. Are we identical in every way you think?

[Natalie]

Well, I'm looking at you. You're looking at me, man, for sure. Look at us. It's coming. There are some differences, I guess, but, you know, I mean, like, my eyebrows feel a little bit different, but I don't know. What do you mean, man? That was a cool noise.

[Robert]

Are you. Are you circumcised?

[Natalie]

What? Am I what?

[Robert]

Have another drink.

[Natalie]

You just said a word. I don't know.

[Robert]

You don't know what that word means?

[Natalie]

You said something about circumti. What?

[Robert]

Circumcised.

[Natalie]

I'm sorry, brother, I don't know what you're talking about. Can you. Can you elaborate?

[Robert]

That's all I got, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, Robert, Robert. Keep going. I promise you this is. Finish it off. Finish it. You're right there. Back in, back in.

[Robert]

You want me to describe what circumcision is to you?

[Natalie]

Well, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what that means.

[Robert]

When you're a little. Little boy or a baby, when you're first born, they cut your foreskin off. Do you know what foreskin is?

[Natalie]

I sure don't.

[Robert]

Well, maybe. Maybe we'll do a Google search together here and I'll show you the difference.

[Natalie]

Yeah, I'll look it up.

[Jake Johnson]

Why are you guys in your underpants? You led the horse to water and then you kicked it in his ass. You don't get a guy in his underpants in a bar and then do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A Google search a lane.

[Jake Johnson]

If you do do that with your clothes on, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Although it is a nice. It's nice. It's nice to picture.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta tell you, that was my favorite reenactment we've done. Without question, that was as. Why. Robert, your timing is excellent. Want. It's really weird stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't sleep on Paul's timing.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Paul's incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but I know who Paul is. I know. Yeah, you're right. I know Paul's Paul.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm a die hard Paul guy. I don't know Robert. So, Robert, why didn't you finish?

[Robert]

It's just awkward. How do I ask my brother that exactly?

[Jake Johnson]

Great, man.

[Natalie]

Here, hold on, let's help you out. Gareth, you take over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay?

[Natalie]

All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm Paul.

[Natalie]

So hold on. This, sir, is this a scientific thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, this is hygienic.

[Natalie]

Again. You're using all these big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's a good way to keep it clean. It's like, you know, like, let. You ever watch, like, 600 pound sisters? A lot of stuff gets caught under the layers of skin.

[Natalie]

Keep what clean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The tip. Oh, the penis. The penis's tip.

[Natalie]

Oh, come on, man. We're not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't know why I got us naked, to be honest. I kind of.

[Natalie]

I was having a good. You said it was hot as.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel good in our underpants.

[Natalie]

I'm hot. I was hot too, man. I felt good. I'm just sitting here on my underpants and now you're talking about I'm a dick and you're making it all weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, just the tip is. Sometimes the doctor takes the tip so that in future it's not as hard to keep it clean. And did the doctor take your tip?

[Natalie]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

I got something. Robert.

[Natalie]

Oh, no, wait. This is the moment. This is the moment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My tip's gone, so I have no tip.

[Natalie]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Looks like a helmet.

[Natalie]

Maybe I should look at mine again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, get it out.

[Natalie]

Let's maybe look at it together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's look at it together and I'll tell you if you have yours circumcised or not.

[Natalie]

Okay, let me just quickly tell everyone the bar to look.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, give him a heads up.

[Natalie]

Hey, man, don't look. Don't look over here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Natalie]

I think that's the move.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake was in Video Village writing notes the whole time.

[Jake Johnson]

But I actually think this led us to something that could work, Robert. But it's really weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drugging.

[Jake Johnson]

That's another option. But I think what this could work. There's one guy. If there's a medical cond going through, there's one person who could help you out. Your twin. It's like a liver donor. It's like he's a perfect match. And you could say you're having something that's happening with your genitals and you're asking, as in a really embarrassing flavor, can he take a photo or can you see his dick to see if there's. What's happening. The rash on his is abnormal or what have you. So you're asking as like a we're the same. But I want to know if you're having the same thing that I'm having. And I think it's because of being circumcised. And I think your wife said, you're not. And I'm wondering if it was a big mistake that I did and a mistake I did for my kid. Are you experiencing this? And maybe show him a photo of the tip of yours and be like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That'S where it gets.

[Jake Johnson]

Does it look like this? And he goes, no. And I go, what's different? And he goes, I got skin going over. And then you realize, oh, we have different dicks. Then the question becomes, why did mom and dad do this? But if you go over that build up you did with the first Robert and Paul, that felt really weird to me, my man. The really slow rhythm that you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Drinking beer, it was a will they, won't they? Which I enjoyed.

[Natalie]

And then I think you're alone in this.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a good take.

[Jake Johnson]

But I will say, Rob, I think there's a world where you can blame this idea of you have a question about your penis. It's embarrassing. He's the only guy who can answer it. Where you could say, like, do you have this blank issue, guys? What do you think of that as a. We're looking for a solution here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it. I also think if we're going to go the conversation route, I, I know I pitched. I think get a look at it. I think the best way to do it is to get a look at it. But the wives have already been talking about this a little bit, right? This is where the information.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear what you're saying, so why.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not have your wife talk to his wife and be, hey, I just want to make sure we're clear. Just because I think you might be. Robert is cut. Paul did not have the tip of his penis cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Robert, what do you think about using the wife's to have this talk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's normal girl gabs.

[Robert]

I mean, yeah, it is pretty normal girl gab. You're right about that. Especially if you guys aren't around, defaulted to them.

[Natalie]

Robert, I'm also going to. I'm going to ask it a totally different question. What are you going to do with the information once you get it?

[Robert]

That's. That's the second part of this. That's. I don't know what to do.

[Natalie]

Wait, what does it matter?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Write a song about it. I don't understand.

[Robert]

There's two situations.

[Natalie]

Well, sure.

[Robert]

Then he just doesn't. Doesn't know what he's talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Robert]

Or he's not. And then we need to know why if he's not.

[Jake Johnson]

It opens up a big can of worms about your family way in a real way. If he doesn't know what circumcision is kind of. Who cares? He might be a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, his light bulb might be a little dim. Who cares if your parents circumcised one of you and not the other and never told you? You ever seen the documentary Three Identical Twins?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my Lord. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Just weird stuff you can do with identical twins.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. That isn't about their penises.

[Jake Johnson]

No. But that these are questions I would ask mom and dad. Then my. My advice to you, Robert, is I think you trying to do the weird. Let's take our shirts off, our pants off. It's hot in here. Here. It's going to put you and Paul in a bad spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's fun.

[Jake Johnson]

It's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was a lot of fun to be around.

[Jake Johnson]

It was the hardest I've laughed in a while.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it might be the hardest I've left on the show.

[Jake Johnson]

But I don't think it's the move. I like the idea of medical procedure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's hard.

[Jake Johnson]

It's hard to do photos of it. I think Gareth is right. I think you. His wife is leading out very firmly he is not circumcised.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She might not know what it is.

[Jake Johnson]

So that if your wife goes, my husband is 100% circumcised. I don't understand why he wouldn't be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if she says he's not, then you could google it together. The wife's. And she could say his dick is like that. Then if you find out, you and Paul together can go to mom and dad and on the show. Hey, on the show.

[Natalie]

Please.

[Jake Johnson]

As a followup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please.

[Jake Johnson]

I'd never wanted to follow up more.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'll pay. We will literally pay for your follow.

[Jake Johnson]

This is when I'd go to Kansas. But the next step, Robert is going to mom and dad. Cuz the why on this, if it's to tell you apart, that's about as weird as it gets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And if it's not what happened? The doctor died.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like there's no reason.

[Jake Johnson]

Lightning strikes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no reason.

[Jake Johnson]

But. So Robert, will you ask your wife to take the lead on this?

[Robert]

I can do that. I'm also. Also kind of leaning a two pronged approach.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the other pronged too?

[Robert]

I thought about the. What you mentioned earlier about building full liquids and then trying to get a peak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I listen, let's do both. Let's do both. Okay, let's do both. Hey. What? Hey, worst case scenario, you find out what his dick looks like twice.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Robert, there's, I, I can't think of one thing that's bad about you. Mommy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, Robert, here, listen, if you're ever in la, do not. You want a career, you want to, you want to hang out, you want to stay with Jake in his garage where he has a jujitsu man.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Robert, will you genuinely please follow up with us? Us? Are you going to start with getting him drunk and getting a look at that hog? Are you going to start with the wife's?

[Robert]

They're going to start with, start with trying to get a peak.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Robert, I'm, I mean this, I'm really proud of you.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so after the peak works or doesn't work, how are you going to do the peak? Will you walk us through actually what you're going to do?

[Robert]

I think it's just as simple as, yeah, we're both out, out eating somewhere or out of the bar. And then if it's a bathroom with two urinals, I mean, it could be anywhere.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you make sure that you take him to a place.

[Jake Johnson]

You need to set it up. You need to have the right bathroom then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, you definitely got to make sure you call the place you, you know, you ask a question they've never been asked before. Hey, do your urinals have dividers or is it kind of an open space for, let me check, men to whip their penis? Whisper.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, it's open. Yeah. Can I make a reservation for tonight at 8?

[Robert]

And then once he goes in, then I'll just follow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. You, you do. You very simply do the, I'll hit it too.

[Jake Johnson]

And then go right next to him. Keep talking and get a look at his dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert, we appreciate the call, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep us very posted.

[Robert]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Natalie]

Right on, Robert. Good luck.

[Jake Johnson]

God bless. This episode is brought to you by me undies. Me undies are undies that me likes to wear. Quite literally. I'm wearing a pair of meundies right now and I like them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Underwear drawers are like the Wild west of wardrobes. We don't know what's going on. Anything goes. You got old pairs. I, I, I'll be honest, it's been sad in there at times there's pairs I'm hanging on to that. Just, it's, they're more of a kilt than a set of underwear. It's like a mini skirt. You know what I'm talking about this is what we do. But me undies makes it so easy to revamp that zone. Every time I reach for me undies, I know I'm in for some comfort. For a great look. I am hooked. And honestly, they're the only underwear I try to wear.

[Jake Johnson]

Style for everyone. From all black, which is what I rock, to fun, expressive prints, which Gareth rocks. Me undies has a look look for everyone. Plus they come in all sizes. Extra small for me and 4XL for the Garfman. Guaranteeing a flattering cut for everybody. Get 20 off your first order plus free shipping on orders of 75 or [e-mail] here to help. Enter promo code here to help. That's meundies.com here to help dot Code here to help for 20% off me undies. Comfort from the outside in this episode of We're Here to Help sponsored by Quints. You want to look good, you gotta wear some quints. Quince has good looking clothes. You like a Mongolian cashmere crew neck. I know you do. You like it at around $50. Get it from Quince, baby. You like an iconic 100% leather jacket and versatile flow knit activewear, baby. You get it from Quints. You wanna look the part, you wanna feel the part, then you get it from Quince. Stop looking like a slobber. Go to Quince.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have this green corduroy jacket that I wear all the time. Lots of times I'm getting ready and I'm like, I don't know what to do. T shirt, corduroy jacket, get out the door. I have Quints jeans. The way they do it is they partner directly with top factories and they cut the cost of the middleman and they pass the savings on to you and me. Indulge in affordable luxury. Go to quints.com heretohelp for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E.com heretohelp to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com heretohelp hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[Max Greenfield]

My name's Sarah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Sarah. Where are you calling from, Sarah?

[Max Greenfield]

I'm calling from Utah.

[Jake Johnson]

Utah. And how old are you, Sarah?

[Max Greenfield]

I'm 23.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, did you ever watch New Girl?

[Max Greenfield]

I did.

[Jake Johnson]

You did? But we got Schmitty here.

[Natalie]

Hey, Sarah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Schmitty makes us here.

[Natalie]

Yeah, I'm really excited.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't stop. Bring him back. Schmitty's right here in the front. So, Sarah what can you. What can we do for me? Utah 23, what's the issue today? The floor is yours.

[Max Greenfield]

A couple months ago I bought a leopard gecko. I don't know if you know what that is.

[Jake Johnson]

I do not know.

[Max Greenfield]

It's a really common pet. They are spotty. They always have a really derpy face. They're so cute. So I always wanted one. They're a lizard.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, but with the spotscha.

[Max Greenfield]

I told my husband's family all about it, which his little cousin, let's name him Timmy. Timmy proceeded to ask if I ever go on vacation, if he could watch the lizard. And I said, oh, of course. I'm actually going to Hawaii in May. You can and watch it. Then a couple months go by, we put our house up for sale. So I decided it'd be easier just to sell the lizard.

[Jake Johnson]

So I did.

[Max Greenfield]

I sold her in late March. Until two days ago, I went to a barbecue, a family barbecue. And the little boy runs up to me, Timmy. And he says, when am I watching the gecko? I know it's this month. I've been raising dubia roaches to feed the gecko as a pet.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Max Greenfield]

So he's been prepping for months for this. And me being awkward person I am, said that, oh, that will be so fun. Just pretending like I hadn't just sold the gecko a month and a half ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah.

[Max Greenfield]

So now I leave on May 21 and they're expecting me to drop a gecko off on the 20th. So what should I do? The most things I've come up with is just telling them that it died pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Two quick questions. How old is Timmy?

[Max Greenfield]

Timmy is about six.

[Natalie]

Six.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, that's gonna be hard to disappoint a six year old. And what were you talking about with the roaches?

[Natalie]

He's raising roaches to feed the geckos.

[Jake Johnson]

The little boy is.

[Natalie]

Let me tell you something. I have two dogs. My kids don't do shit. Yeah, this kid is raising.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's racing roaches.

[Natalie]

He's ready for his own gecko. Can you have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, can we. Is it time for Timmy to have his own gecko?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that.

[Max Greenfield]

Well, they had told him if he did a good job watching my gecko, they would think about giving him his own gecko.

[Natalie]

Well, but you can have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, this is what happened. They'll understand your side of it. And then maybe we get Timmy his own gecko. Clearly he's a responsible kid.

[Jake Johnson]

Kid. Yeah, but here's the catch. What if. So then you. What if Timmy's not ready for it and the parents don't want the gecko? Does Sarah take the gecko back then?

[Natalie]

No. I mean, look, you know how you find out if you're not ready for the gecko?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

The gecko dies. I'm not rooting for it, but, you know, that's how you.

[Jake Johnson]

So your pitch. So Sarah Max's pitch is you asked the family to buy a gecko. What are the.

[Natalie]

When you said if you want to take responsibility, you. She can. Sarah can buy the gecko for the.

[Jake Johnson]

Question what is a gecko? When you said you sold it on the market, what does a gecko run for? Is it 10 bucks? Is it 500 bucks?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, wild question.

[Jake Johnson]

What's a leverage?

[Max Greenfield]

Well, it needs at least like a 20 gallon tank.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, but you have a tank.

[Max Greenfield]

I had one.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you sold everything.

[Max Greenfield]

I re home the gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, okay, so how much Gecko is gone. So when you sold everything, how much cash did that person from Craigslist give to you in your garage?

[Max Greenfield]

About $300.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, $300 is in. In your world is pretty significant. Yes.

[Max Greenfield]

Yeah, yeah. We're right out of college.

[Jake Johnson]

So spending $300 for little Timmy is not really what you want to do right before you go to Hawaii and piss a bunch of money on drinks and food in a hotel.

[Max Greenfield]

Yeah, it's not.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not ideal.

[Max Greenfield]

You said, talk to the parent. I had already essentially lied to her too, because she was like, oh, I just need to know the plan. And I just said, well, I'm leaving the 21st because I'm an awkward person.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That leads us to the pitch that I think you had, which is that the gecko dies. The gecko died. I think you have to deliver some bad. Well, what the fuck else are we going to do? I mean, this kid is raising goddamn roaches.

[Natalie]

Take responsibility for your. For your lies and own up to it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you know what show you're on, you idiot. What do you think this is, Dr. Phil?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not here to hurt.

[Jake Johnson]

So. So hold on, let me just click, because I'm with you, Sarah, on this one. You had a gecko, little leopard guy. You spent about 300 bucks. You had the whole system. Little Timmy got excited. You said, free babysitter. Yes. The parents will help you. Then were moving. You didn't want to move with it. You sold it. You got 300 bucks. What'd you put into this whole gecko did you just break even or was there a profit on this whole guy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is now Shark Tanky.

[Max Greenfield]

I actually lost money on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you lost your margins. Okay, so you lost a little bit of money. Then it's coming up. And in the moment, will you walk us through why you lied?

[Max Greenfield]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And I don't have any judgment. I just want to kind of get a sense of that moment.

[Max Greenfield]

I have quite severe anxiety, and my husband decided he wasn't gonna go to the barbecue.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so you went solo. There we go. But whose party is this that you went to that your husband didn't? Your family?

[Max Greenfield]

No, it's his family. It was his brother's graduation party.

[Jake Johnson]

So first of all, he screwed you. But we're not. That's not what this calls about. So you go to a party, your goddamn anxiety is spiking. If I'm you stay away from the cheese, you're going to get spider bites.

[Max Greenfield]

I'm not even there for one minute when the aunt comes up to me and was like, so I need to know all the details.

[Jake Johnson]

Details. Okay.

[Max Greenfield]

And she said, timmy's gonna come and ask you because we've been working on his words to come and ask you this hard question of when you're gonna.

[Jake Johnson]

Drop the camera and walk me through your anxiety level at this moment. Are you a 10 out of 10?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man.

[Max Greenfield]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Max Greenfield]

Yeah, I'm okay. I was already working myself in the car. I'm like, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go get a hamburger. I'm gonna leave.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, are you? Me?

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are. I mean, honestly, I'm feeling a lot of anxiety.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna go, okay, four hamburgers. Then I'm going to eat a bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of that weird chili, freak everyone out, and then get in the car and go home.

[Jake Johnson]

Then I might go hard. Seltzers aren't really alcohol. Drink about nine of them and go after eight, they are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Take a bag of Sniders, eat them in the car. Nobody knows.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Sarah.

[Natalie]

Jimmy, I'm a gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

Take care of me. I'm not eating roaches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stay away from Sarah. Stay away from Sarah. Everyone back away from Sarah.

[Jake Johnson]

So your thought is, I'm going to eat a hamburger, burger. I'm gonna do the rounds. I'm gonna do the right thing by my partner here, my husband, and I'm gonna get out of here. This little boy bombards you.

[Max Greenfield]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And what does this little guy say?

[Max Greenfield]

So he, you know, is hiding behind his mom. He finally gets up the courage to Say, when are you gonna drop the gecko off? I'm so excited.

[Jake Johnson]

What was the gecko, Sarah? What do we call this little lizard.

[Max Greenfield]

Was Binks after Jar Jar Binks.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So he's like, when did I get.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Equal success level with this gecko and Jar Jar? I'd say.

[Jake Johnson]

So he goes, when do I get my hands on this lizard? And you go, what?

[Max Greenfield]

I go. I leave on the 21st. I don't mention the gecko. I just say, this is what I leave.

[Jake Johnson]

And then what happens?

[Max Greenfield]

And then he's like, well, great. Don't worry about food. I've been raising roaches.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a turn, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a nightmare.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm throwing the hamburger on the ground. At that point, I'm out of here. So I've been raising roaches. And you hadn't asked him to do this?

[Max Greenfield]

No, no, this. I had told him that, you know, leopard geckos are hard because they have to eat live.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me ask you this, Sarah. Do you have any contact with the person you sold the gecko to?

[Jake Johnson]

Good question.

[Max Greenfield]

None at all. I thought about finding someone who would rent me a gecko, but it's really hard to find someone who will rent their gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think there's a big business for renting geckos in town.

[Max Greenfield]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I like to invest in bad businesses. I don't see an upside there now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As it means you might want to throw a little money in the get go market, if I'm being honest.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but like rent a gecko, the kind of person that's one in a million.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, you're right. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So we are in a situation where the trip is coming up. You have told a lie. You got to get out of it. This little boy is very excited. He started a roach farm. There's talk that his family might do it, but we don't know if they're going to follow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Might have to go them.

[Jake Johnson]

It can't. It's his husband's family. I honestly think I'm going back to the beginning here, Sarah. And a tragedy occurred.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it had to die because.

[Jake Johnson]

I was going to pitch the idea of like a fake one that you get a little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but he's going to.

[Jake Johnson]

But then he's going to think it dies.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's going to see a cage full of roaches and be like, biggs isn't eating. Biggs is going hungry. As roaches are just overtaking this little aquarium.

[Jake Johnson]

Or, or here's an idea. Here's A weird one. You get a little tank and you get, like, a little enclosure. And you say. They're very shy. You can't interrupt them if they're hidden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is absolutely. And you get insane.

[Jake Johnson]

A little thing of, like, clay in the corner of it so he can see the outline. And you go like. So they're very nervous. He might not come out, but you just put the roaches in there. If he wants to eat, just wait. And then after the few days, you go. You go, great. And he goes, how was it? He never came out. And you go like, oh, well, he sometimes does that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, as long as nobody looks.

[Natalie]

Listen, if we're not going the route of being honest and owning up to it, and we're gonna put a lie on the lie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

You gotta sell it. And I think you get a tattoo.

[Jake Johnson]

Of the Rip Binks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

Rip Binks. Just a Binks tattoo.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

And then you say. You say little. Hey, little boy. Tim. Me.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, little guy.

[Natalie]

Hey, little guy. You know, hey, you have to. You know how. You have to back out of the driveway.

[Jake Johnson]

G. Will you be Timmy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Huh? Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Natalie]

And you know. You know how we just got that new Dodge Ram?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. Okay. The car?

[Natalie]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, Max. Are you Sarah?

[Natalie]

Oh, I dipped into Paul.

[Jake Johnson]

Cowboy vibes. I didn't know. Are you circumcised? Your little guy want to find out about Utah?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a gecko at all.

[Jake Johnson]

And it ain't dead, either.

[Natalie]

Hey, so you know how we rented the Sienna for the last couple months?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The car?

[Natalie]

Yeah, yeah, we'd love. We love it. We could. You know, we fit so much stuff in there. We drive around anyway, and, you know, we have to back out of the driveway.

[Gareth Reynolds]

At your house?

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[Natalie]

Well, you know, sometimes. You know how we let Binks run out in the front yard?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's dangerous.

[Natalie]

Well, not. Binks loves it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't wait to meet Binks again because I have all the roaches ready to go. He's gonna eat so well while you.

[Natalie]

That's the thing. So exciting. We were pulling out of the driveway and we'd forgotten to put Banks back in the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, no, no.

[Natalie]

And don't say it. Your dad ran over Banks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, my dad did? Why was my dad. That was a turn.

[Natalie]

Sarah, watch. Don't. Because, Sarah, if we're gonna do this, don't put it on you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My dad was over at your house, and he ran over Pink.

[Natalie]

Yeah. And I knew how badly he would feel about. So I didn't tell Him. But I didn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is Binks okay?

[Natalie]

I didn't do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is Binks okay?

[Natalie]

Binks is dead. Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I had all the roaches.

[Natalie]

Save them. They'll be useful for something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What will they be useful for?

[Natalie]

Maybe they could be your pets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Natalie]

You could take care of the roaches. You can name them, Sarah. You can give them all Star wars names.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah, what do you think about honestly telling the family that Binks died? Is that a path you're comfortable with? It's.

[Max Greenfield]

I feel like it might be one of my only options.

[Jake Johnson]

Great change of voice there. You. That was. You were not comfortable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a situa. Yes. You don't want to hurt this little kid.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I get it's. But the kid's gonna get hurt because. And here's why, Sarah. So Max is pushing towards. This is so easy. This is obvious. Just tell the truth, right? And own up to your lie. Is that correct?

[Natalie]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And so that version, Sarah, is you calling Timmy's mom and saying, hey, I sold banks like a two months ago at the party. I had anxiety and I lied to you. It's now coming up. But there's no Binks. Then that mom is going to go, what the fuck? Because now I have to say to my. I have to handle your mess. Cause your lie. So you could do that or you could do the other lie. And that is you just call the parents and you say, I've got very bad news. Binks died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or, or, or, or, please, to your weird clay gecko. Yeah, get a fake one.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Put it on a rock in the fucking thing. Yeah, take it over there.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, keep going. Don't listen to Max. Keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Timmy killed the gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tim, you brought over a living gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

That's going to traumatize the guy, huh?

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're. We are. What are we going to do?

[Jake Johnson]

We're in a danger zone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no sol. This kid is. We're hurting Timmy.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sarah, forget about Timmy.

[Natalie]

Well, you hurt yourself when you made the lie. And you're only going to make it worse if you keep on lying. Keep lying. First of all, I thought your reaction as the mom was. Was super intense.

[Jake Johnson]

You do?

[Natalie]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Really?

[Natalie]

Yes. It was like a friendship ender.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, here's not a friendship bender to me. If somebody said to my kid, my kid's all excited. And then they said, as soon as they sold it, we sold it. Fine. This lady came to my house, ate a hamburger, told my kid, it's coming up, all Right. This is a weird lie.

[Natalie]

I know. I'm Sarah and I. I'm Sarah and I go to the mom.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I'm the mom.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So, Sarah, how quick until this trip starts? I just need these facts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

21St, right?

[Jake Johnson]

You're leaving about two weeks.

[Max Greenfield]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So when was the barbecue? When you lied.

[Max Greenfield]

Two days ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Fresher than I thought. Fresher than I thought. Yeah. Imagine how annoying Timmy has been to this mom. Keep that in mind. All this fucking kid talks about is this Geico.

[Natalie]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

And the roaches.

[Natalie]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, honey.

[Natalie]

Hey, Mom.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not your mom.

[Natalie]

I know, but you're Timmy's mom, and I need to talk to you.

[Jake Johnson]

Smitty, get out of here.

[Natalie]

I want to talk to you. I want to talk. I want to talk to you about my anxiety. I have.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know you that well.

[Natalie]

I have a mental health issue, and sometimes I've.

[Jake Johnson]

It's okay.

[Natalie]

You know the gecko I had, Tim, the.

[Jake Johnson]

Timmy is so excited.

[Natalie]

He know.

[Jake Johnson]

He. He's raising these roaches.

[Natalie]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

It is a whole thing.

[Natalie]

He is.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not excited.

[Natalie]

We got rid of the. The. The Binks. The. The spotted gecko. We got rid of it.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you mean we got rid of it?

[Natalie]

We were mo. We were moving. Whatever. I was moving the house and we needed to get rid of it. And we said, we don't. We don't have it anymore. But because of my anxiety.

[Jake Johnson]

When did you sell it?

[Natalie]

I don't know. A month ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Why didn't you tell me I would have bought it?

[Natalie]

Because I didn't think of you. The moment I sold the thing, I was thinking about the house.

[Jake Johnson]

We were like, well, you had a financial crisis. The first thing you gotta do is sell a lizard.

[Oliver]

Injured.

[Jake Johnson]

Get a job. You told my kid he's been raising roaches. You sell it a month ago. You're telling me right now like it's normal?

[Natalie]

I'll buy the roaches off of him. I'm offering.

[Jake Johnson]

The roaches cost $5,000.

[Natalie]

Come on. The roaches don't cost 5,000.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, you had an opportunity. You know, we're thinking about getting a lizard. What, are you on drugs? You're a drug addict. You got it. What, do you sell it in an alley?

[Natalie]

Oh, it goes right back to this.

[Jake Johnson]

You selling a lizard in an alley.

[Natalie]

Not selling a lizard. Your little boy came up to me, and he was all right. He's the most annoying little I've ever met in my entire life. What kind of kid raises roaches?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Sarah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Timmy. Hi. This is your kind of aunt. So why are you yelling? Oh, we just got worked up, honey. So, Sarah, is there anything you want to say to Timmy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't wait to see Banks.

[Jake Johnson]

Anything that you want to say?

[Natalie]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah, go ahead.

[Max Greenfield]

Kimmy Binks died because of your dad.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah. Thank you.

[Natalie]

Very well, very good. Chanel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please follow up, let us know.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, how are you going to actually, what are you going to really do really fast?

[Max Greenfield]

Oh, yeah. I think I'm gonna say that Dinks died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Max Greenfield]

And since my husband was the reason this happened, I'm gonna blame it on him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

May I add another layer?

[Jake Johnson]

Your husband brought up Timmy.

[Max Greenfield]

No, my husband led golfing. So he's the reason.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, because he wasn't at the party. That's why.

[Max Greenfield]

It's his fault. He was there. I could have done it. I could have told the truth.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Gareth, what were you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think that works. I was going to say have your husband deliver the news. Put it all on him. He's closer. He's got more of a track record.

[Jake Johnson]

It's his fault he relates to them. The bad news is, is that this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is why you get married.

[Jake Johnson]

The lizard. The lizard passed away from natural causes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of that? Or do you want to do it?

[Max Greenfield]

Oh, I'm not going to do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Christ, I thought it was an option. You really.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, we did like five reenactments where you're delivering the news. You don't want to jump in at one point, let us know that the.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't realize it was what you heard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How it played out. It was horrible every time. No, my husband is the only option.

[Natalie]

I'm going to go with the Clay option, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I already told him. I just wanted to call the show.

[Natalie]

Why don't you make one of those like cakes? Those hyper realistic cakes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We need a hologram.

[Natalie]

And then when he discovers it's dead, you just take a big bite of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's delighted.

[Natalie]

Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Dramatizing up. Make a cake. Lizard chocolate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, he would like. Pigs is chocolate.

[Jake Johnson]

So Sarah, the final advice is you're going to. And the thing you said you're going to do is you're going to have your husband tell the family that the geico has died.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that true? The gecko. What did I say? Geico.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Geico. You're doing the insurance pre ad?

[Max Greenfield]

Yes. Or buy a new gecko.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those are the wow, you are. Well, you are a real.

[Jake Johnson]

If you're going to buy a new one, let's go. Is that a real option?

[Max Greenfield]

That's what I thought about it. And then telling them that they could buy it from me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I like that.

[Natalie]

Money on.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. That's actually a real play. You buy.

[Natalie]

He's very into the finance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Jake, right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but here's a real. I'm not trying to get a profit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you want to cut.

[Natalie]

Yes, you are.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I make a little bit of something.

[Natalie]

So we're 300 all in. If you sell the thing, can I get 500?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So.

[Jake Johnson]

But, but Sarah, this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want one point.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is a real option.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want back door.

[Jake Johnson]

What if you actually buy the tank? Buy the thing, give it to her when Timmy's done. Go. You did so good. Then say to the parents, if you guys are considering getting one, I would be open to sell you this and I would just, you know, do it for what I paid. 500 bucks.

[Natalie]

How about just this? He wants one so badly. I. If it's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Sick of it. Keep going.

[Natalie]

No, like, you just go, I want to buy you one. Like, I. Like we bought you one. And if it's okay with the parents. Well, she.

[Jake Johnson]

She doesn't want to go down the 300 bucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you do it. I think you buy it. Sell it. Sell it.

[Jake Johnson]

Fine. You go afterwards, you go, how was it? And if. Here's the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what you could do? You could front load that plan by saying, hey, look, I think let's do the trial run where he looks after it. And then. Do you guys just want to buy it off me after the Hawaii trip?

[Jake Johnson]

I know that you say that you say natural causes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. You say, listen, it's going to sound crazy, but it died. Or I mean, that's really it. That's it. That's the end of my.

[Jake Johnson]

What I really think. Here's what I really, in my heart of hearts believe. We've led you to some weird ones. I wouldn't do the clay one. That feels really crazy. If you get caught, you're in a danger zone in that community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a legend.

[Jake Johnson]

The lying about dying feels really strange to me. Here's what I would actually do if I were you. I would text the parents and say, I'm not against selling it to you guys at cost, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah, if he's into it. And so this could be a trial run. I'm kind of done with my gecko phase of Life. And so if they. He's already raising him, the parents know, know they're eventually going to buy a system for this gecko. So afterwards you just say, how'd it go? They go, good. And you go, look, the whole thing could just be yours. It's 300 bucks. And they go, great. I mean, whatever you want to say in the last second, I like that. Let your hamburger anxiety take over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

How much is it? $25. I got a callback wire. I'll pay you. But Sarah, what do you think of just. Just fucking go in for it. Giving. Because we don't want to hurt Timmy, getting him a fucking gecko.

[Natalie]

What if you go with the clay one, but you don't give him the clay one? You take the clay one with you to Hawaii and you take pictures of you with the clay one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're taking the get go, you Weekend.

[Natalie]

At Bernie's this thing. And then you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You let them know on the weekend of pink season.

[Natalie]

Oh my God, I forgot to drop it off.

[Jake Johnson]

It's been heaven.

[Natalie]

We left him in Hawaii. He wanted to stay. He was so happy. He met all of his relatives. Relatives and other iguanas and shit. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then he drank the seawater.

[Natalie]

He left him there.

[Jake Johnson]

It was beautiful. How could I bring him back? Or I tried to bring him back.

[Natalie]

He was finally home. He's a natural habitat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They killed him at customs. Is that your pitch, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Sarah, now with these new round of pitches, what do you think you're going to do? Is there any world you're going to just buy it and go for it? Because I think what's going to happen is they're gonna love it. Timmy's gonna crush his weekend. His little roaches are gonna be perfect. He's gonna fall in love. The parents are gonna go. I mean, it's the best. Literally growing roaches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The best twist is the roaches kill the gecko.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, but what do you think of that as a plan with the idea of afterwards, you figure out a fair price and you sell to him. Would you think about doing that? Where you at?

[Max Greenfield]

Yes, I've actually been looking on Craigslist to see if there's anybody that already has a whole setup that is looking to get rid of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Max Greenfield]

That I can just pick up and then take to their house.

[Jake Johnson]

Why don't you get them a really small cage just for the weekend, like a little starter kit and what they can then buy whatever they want. After, go to Petsmart and get in a $20. A little home for say you broke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The other one, it cracked, or you.

[Jake Johnson]

Don'T want to travel with it.

[Max Greenfield]

Sure, that's a good idea.

[Jake Johnson]

But you just get like one of those little travel cheap ones, and then you go, this is just for the weekend. And then go. You want the gecko? What do you spend? What do you go to Petsmart? Buy one of those lizards for 18 bucks. Bucks. That's not a $300 creature. It's the 300 for 20, 40 bucks. So 40 bucks and a $15 thing. It's already got its food. You're 65 bucks in. But what do you think about that? Go and spend 40 bucks on the little lizard, 15 bucks on the little cage, bringing it there for the weekend. If they want to get another big cage, go for it.

[Max Greenfield]

I like that. I think I'll do that.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah. I think this is the best way out of a very weird hamburger. Lie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, us.

[Max Greenfield]

That's why I called this podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we are happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen, it's been a great two hours, and I never thought I'd say Gekko so many goddamn times. And.

[Jake Johnson]

And we appreciate it and appreciate. Max. We appreciate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Max.

[Natalie]

Sarah. Hopefully we helped you Keep us posted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sarah, this is.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm going to actually do this.

[Max Greenfield]

Oh, yeah. I'm probably going to go to petsmart now.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. I think this is going to be a happy ending, especially for Timmy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not for Banks. He passed away away.

[Max Greenfield]

Me, too. Okay, thank.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, bud. Hey, how are you?

[Oliver]

Hey, how are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Welcome to the show. You're on the podcast with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson, and a very special guest, my friend, my former co star, Mr. Max Greenfield. Wow.

[Oliver]

Oh, I'm such a huge.

[Jake Johnson]

You, Max. You Max.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

He's giving you love, baby.

[Oliver]

All three of you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, thanks. Thanks. I was gonna let Max have a little shine. What's your first name?

[Oliver]

Oliver.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver. Where are you from, Oliver?

[Oliver]

I'm from Long Island, New York.

[Natalie]

Yeah, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

And how old are you, Oliver?

[Oliver]

25.

[Jake Johnson]

25. Now you got a serious problem today. Today.

[Oliver]

Well, it's serious to me. We'll see how serious everybody else.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver, if it's serious to you, baby, that's all that matters. Let us know where you're at, what's happening.

[Oliver]

Good stuff. That's what I like to hear. So I may. I guess you'd call it a content creator and a documentarian, but I make a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

You actually make documentaries or do you just make content and you're referring to yourself as a documentarian?

[Oliver]

A little bit of both. A Little bit of both.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I definitely make. Hold on, Oliver, do you make documentaries or do you just film content and don't want to just say content creator?

[Oliver]

You know what, we'll call it. We'll call it what you want. I think it's a little bit better than, you know, just a standard YouTube video. I do travel, I do invest money into the content that I'm making.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I respect, I respect. Okay, so. So what's our issue?

[Oliver]

So the topics that I usually cover are kind of silly individual quests. And so last year I was weighing in at almost £400. And so I hit the gym and I got really into shape.

[Jake Johnson]

And now you were a 400 pounder, my man. Almost.

[Oliver]

I didn't quite break the brink, but I was on the way.

[Jake Johnson]

What's your height? What are you walking around at?

[Oliver]

I'm six foot even.

[Jake Johnson]

Six foot, almost 400. Interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice. Four bucks.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So you said this is getting too big.

[Oliver]

I was getting way too big. It was, you know, I'm a big fat party animal and that's fine with me. But it's getting hard to buy clothes.

[Jake Johnson]

I get it. I gotta throw away. I bought like 15 of the same black T shirts. I gotta buy a larger size. It's a nightmare.

[Oliver]

I know. And then you gotta upgrade the whole wardrobe. And then if you go back down, you all your clothes are too big. And that's kind of where I'm at right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver, you and me are relating. These two little skinny guys are rolling their eyes. All right, so what happened? You just. What was your wake up call? You wanted to lose weight. Why? What happened?

[Oliver]

You know what it was, was I. I got married and I. I really enjoyed the last year of my life. And I said, you know what? I want to stick around for a long time.

[Jake Johnson]

I love it.

[Oliver]

And so I said, I'm gonna. I'm gonna try to lose some weight. And then here's where we run into trouble. I kind of have plateaued in the last year or so, and I've decided to set myself a weight goal. Something to do at the gym that.

[Jake Johnson]

I can hit one quick. Let me stop for one second, Oliver. Max, don't pretend this is not a wheelhouse call for you. A big guy losing weight, talking about the goddamn gym. We got the right guy for you, Oliver.

[Natalie]

Not interrupt him, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I got excited. Max, he's talking about a gym. Let's shut up.

[Oliver]

Well, we're gonna fight. So the goal that I set myself is I want to be able to crush a Watermelon between my thighs.

[Natalie]

Oh, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What? What a. That is without question the greatest gym goal I'll ever hear.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You just went back to Garrett's camp and out of Max's camp. Crap.

[Natalie]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Kettle bells. You were losing Garrett. He said, spot watermelon, and he perked up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, content creator documentary. Oh, man.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so you want to squash a watermelon in between those big thighs, my guy.

[Oliver]

Correct. I. Right now, I'm on the hip abduction machine. I can hit 205 pounds.

[Jake Johnson]

Amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you just going hips right now? Are people like, buddy, your arms are, like, wiry and kind of flabby, and you're like, I got him a goal.

[Oliver]

Well, I was going all arms, but I'm really. I'm worried about being a light bulb, so I moved on to trying to get the legs up where the arms are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Natalie]

Oliver, what are you saying right now?

[Oliver]

Right now I'm 290.

[Jake Johnson]

Nice, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow. Way to go.

[Oliver]

But I've plateaued around there, which is where the watermelon comes in. I really think if I can get the HIPA vector machine up to £340, I can crush a watermelon. I feel really good about that. And I'll have lost weight along the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is where the watermelon comes into play. Is. Is just a great. I. I'm very. I'm enjoying what you're saying a tremendous amount.

[Oliver]

The problem.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The problem.

[Natalie]

No problems.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm. I'm still kind of with you on this one, Oliver. So you. Are you wanting to squash it? You're going to take. This is going to get you stronger, which will make you lose more weight. Weight. What's the problem?

[Oliver]

The problem is my support system right now. I've made a practice stream just to prove that I couldn't crush a watermelon. Right at the beginning, I went all out on filming it. I staged the whole thing, and I was not able to crush a watermelon in that stream. My goal is, in two months time, to duplicate the entire stream, but be able to crush the watermelon.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, now, did you genuinely try your hardest the first time?

[Oliver]

I did, I got juice out of the watermelon, but I. I wasn't able to do the full crush.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyone drink that juice?

[Oliver]

You know what? I'm hoping that the second watermelon will make nice snacks for the week.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But hold on. So how much power do you need? Are you doing. Is this for real for you? Are you just Doing it for your documentaries?

[Oliver]

Oh, no, this is. Well, I'm doing it for the documentary, but it is 100 for real. Real.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And how much power do you need to smash a watermelon? Is there any kind of test for this?

[Oliver]

£40.

[Natalie]

Can I go back to one of Jake's original questions? The Watermelon Journey. Is it more content or is it a full documentary?

[Oliver]

Well, I'm going to be doing a full documentary about it after the journey is over, but I. I legitimately want to crush this watermelon.

[Jake Johnson]

I get it. What are you thinking? The title of that doc's going to be Squash and Melons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Waiter melon.

[Oliver]

Waiter Melon Melons beware.

[Jake Johnson]

Melons beware.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't hate it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, no.

[Natalie]

Let me tell you, if we're. If this is an advice show.

[Jake Johnson]

It is.

[Natalie]

You gotta go back to Jake's original. Jake's real good at this, man.

[Jake Johnson]

So you wear melons is good. Think squashing melons, too. But we're in a zone right now. We got to figure out real quick.

[Natalie]

Real quick, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

What.

[Natalie]

Why you. To pretend that you're at the movie theater and you go up to the concession and. Or whatever, and you ask for two tickets to squash Melons. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, yeah, can I get a two adults squash, huh? I think it's a hit, man. Yeah, I think it's a hit. So, Oliver, where are you at with squashing melons right now? So you can get a little juice out, but you can't squash the melon. Correct? Correct. And what are you doing at the gym, my man?

[Oliver]

So it's a big focus on first, obviously, legs. I start with some cardio to warm up, limber up, and then I'm hitting the hip abduction machine to see.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you mind if I interrupt? Oliver, you're doing this all wrong.

[Oliver]

Okay? Hit me.

[Jake Johnson]

A gym is not the place to learn to squash melons, okay? A farm is. Oh, you just need to go to a goddamn watermelon farm, pay a farmer and squash the little guys, ask him if he's got any rotten watermelons and squad. Because it's a mental game, man. You have lost a hundred pounds.

[Natalie]

Oliver.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver, you can squash a goddamn melon. It's a mental game. That melon has you beat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Beware melons. Beware, Oliver, because you're afraid of a big watermelon, a kettlebell, a hip flexor machine is doing nothing for you. You gotta go find some rotten watermelons and squash between those big legs of yours and get your confidence Up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have you tried other melons? Have you tried, like, a cantaloupe or anything like that?

[Oliver]

Well, that would be the eventual goal. I figure a cantaloupe is smaller and more dense than a regular watermelon.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you don't want to go cantaloupe. Cantaloupe's a nightmare. If I'm you, I start with a plum. I go real. I go real peaches.

[Natalie]

You gotta keep on theme. It's melons, but I like plural. You hit the honeydew, you hit.

[Jake Johnson]

The cantaloupe is unsquashed.

[Natalie]

Not in squash and melons.

[Jake Johnson]

But what's a soft melon?

[Natalie]

I bet you Arnold Schwarzenegger could squash a cantaloupe.

[Jake Johnson]

You're right.

[Natalie]

You mentioned this last. This last part of this last year has been really good. Correct, Correct. And did you meet. Did you meet a woman in this last year? Is that what I heard?

[Oliver]

Well, I didn't meet her in this last year, but we got married in this last year.

[Natalie]

What does she think about this squash and melons going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great question.

[Oliver]

She's into the goal of squashing the melon. But this is where the content side comes into this. I've recorded the stream where I couldn't match it in the kitchen of our apartment, and she's not a huge fan of the stream where it does get mashed being recorded in our kitchen. I think partially because it's a small apartment, our kitchen's very close to the living room. Right. And it's a weird change of pace because she usually does support all of my endeavors, which are often similar to this.

[Jake Johnson]

She doesn't like this. Go ahead, Max.

[Oliver]

What do you mean?

[Natalie]

What similar endeavors?

[Robert]

What.

[Natalie]

What's another one? Give us an example.

[Oliver]

Recently, I threw a black tie affair in the apartment to celebrate the recent release of the new monster cereal. I had this place filled up 50ish people. And she was all good with that. I'm also big on. On hyper fixations and collectibles. She's usually fine with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Our.

[Oliver]

Our whole living room.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But she just doesn't want you squashing a fucking watermelon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And those activities don't get juice and seeds all over the living room. Or at least I do.

[Jake Johnson]

I can tell you as a fact, my wife, Max's wife, and I'm sure Gareth's cat would not want any of us squashing a watermelon in between our thighs in the kitchen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kitchen, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Video or no video. So I think what you got to do is you got to Forget about your stream for a little bit. You're either a documentarian, you're either a content creator, or you're a guy smashing watermelons. You can't be all three at the same time. You're either the director or you're the goddamn subject. And if you want to be the subject, and this is about losing weight, then forget setting up that iPhone and filming yourself squashing watermelons and get out to a field and just start squashing them. You need a rocky montage. You need to spend about two months. Don't film any of it. Don't worry about the end product. Worry about squashing goddamn watermelons, man. And I don't think you go to a gym for that. I think you put a big melon in between those legs and you squash it. I think you watch what you eat. I think you go to the gym to get your cardio up. And then I think every single day, you go to the grocery store, you buy the softest watermelon and you try to squash it.

[Natalie]

You ever see one of those videos where they put the rubber bands around the watermelon and then they keep on the watermelon until it explodes?

[Oliver]

Yep.

[Natalie]

Figure out how many rubber bands you need to make it explode and then work backwards from there, squashing them in between your quads.

[Oliver]

Great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

You got anything here, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do. I. I agree. I think. I mean, well, I think once we all heard, go find a watermelon farmer and just give them the pitch, I think that's. I'm not going to hurt anything. I. I think you can do some training towards it. You're doing the right thing, but you really should be squashing as many melons as you can between your legs. I think from a content perspective, you can film some of it. And I think the day of the main event, if you do want to do it in your kitchen, just go get a big tarp from Home Depot. And I would say start with warm ups, from smallest melon to watermelon. Watermelon. And, you know, really lean into it like that. Like those are the practice swings. But it's a hell of a goal.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I think our. In closing, the kind of advice for this one, Oliver, it's a tricky one because it's a hard goal. And Max is saying, do something weird with rubber bands and figure out how many rubber bands. I don't know how that connects to the thighs. What do you. What's your advice on this one, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think you can do it in your Kitchen and, you know, tarp it up. And if she doesn't support it, then maybe this is not the right relationship. I think that's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a turn. I would say. Don't listen to Gareth. I would say you met.

[Natalie]

You can find.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me tell you something. You're going to be able to find a woman out there who you love, who also, trust me, I have a cat. Who you love and who also supports the. The. The thigh melon stuff. That's all.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver, this is going sideways. My guy, this woman. If you got married during a year when you lost £100, I think you got a winner at home. My advice to you is find an outdoor park and every single day squash a watermelon and don't take a day off.

[Natalie]

And I would say throw money out the window. Whatever you put into this financially, I think you'll make back when you sell the duck.

[Jake Johnson]

Oliver, thank you so much for the call, my man.

[Robert]

Thank you.

[Oliver]

Hey, guys, thank you very much.

[Natalie]

Jake, next time you're around a watermelon, are you gonna go, hey, can I just. Can I try something?

[Jake Johnson]

Some watermelons.

[Natalie]

Can I just see what I can do with this? But between the two of my leg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey.

[Oliver]

Hey, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi. So we don't know who this is, but we know it's a follow up. You mind taking the lead a little bit? Sure.

[Oliver]

I called a little while ago because I'm trying to crush a watermelon between my thighs and my wife is not happy about it.

[Robert]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, first, by the way. Yeah, hold on, I gotta say something to you. Word has it you make the rounds on podcast, my guy. How many of these you done?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's your name again? Real quick? Oliver. Oliver. That's right. Because you're all over podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Oliver, how many of these have you done? Before we get into this?

[Oliver]

Only two. And it was you and. And one other podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not a lot. It's not a lot. Okay. People on social media overreacted. How'd the other one go?

[Oliver]

It was good. It was good?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It didn't have Max Greenfield on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Oliver, walk us through where you're at with the watermelon, with the training.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And with your wife's reaction to your beautiful endeavor.

[Oliver]

So if you remember, I'm making a. I'm making a documentary about the whole thing. Fitness wise. I'm in the right place. I'm confident that I can do it. It's been logistics recently. Per your guys's recommendation, actually, we've rented out a farm for the documentary for a certain segment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Awesome.

[Oliver]

So it's been about it coming together to finally do the actual crushing.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And other. I remember other recommendations we had was just crush mushy melons to get your confidence up.

[Oliver]

The plum was a big hit when I showed people the episode. I'm very confident I can crush a plum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think so.

[Jake Johnson]

And how's your training been. Been. And how's your wife's reaction been?

[Oliver]

It's been good. And I even think that my wife has come around a little bit on it, at least to the. The melon being crushed in the kitchen.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Oliver]

We've introduced the idea of a Home Depot tarp. Going over the things over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course. Yeah. You'll find that goes a long way.

[Jake Johnson]

And then when is the. When is the day the rubber meets the road? Oliver, when are you going to crush the melon? Because you can't talk about it forever. You got to eventually put that big thing in between your legs and squeeze.

[Oliver]

So we're going to start shooting before the end of March.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Oliver]

This is great. Right now it's a logistical thing because I want my wife to be out of the house while it's going on fair. I have a buff friend coming over to stand in the background for a bit. I feel like it. It just comes off as really, really like a lot happening in your home while you're home.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't disagree. I don't think you're going to want her there while you and another buff guy squeeze Melody your legs. My guy. Well, it might be a good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might be a good idea to be sweet and incentivized by, you know, giving her up a day of doing something she wants to do. You know, like whether you go. I don't know. I mean, I don't want to be too on brand, but, you know, if you want to go. Ever get a massage or have a day at a spa or have a manicure or something like that?

[Jake Johnson]

But you're.

[Oliver]

Yeah, no, that. That's a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe have her go buy a shop vac.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're starting early March. You're starting the dock. And just to be clear, the dock is a training thing at the farm, like a rock.

[Oliver]

So we're going to. We're doing a training segment at the farm where I'm going to go there and crush some less than ripe melons.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some mushy melons.

[Oliver]

And then. Then I have a. I actually have someone on the dock who's going to. He's done it before. So he's going to kind of advise me on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so this is. Is this a thing. Is this a thing that people do in the. Is there a community of you guys?

[Oliver]

To my knowledge, it wasn't. So I saw this one guy do it. I reached out to him and I said, I kind of feel like I could do a more ripe, larger melon than that.

[Jake Johnson]

He challenged his ass. Was he an old timer? And he said, not a chance, kid.

[Oliver]

Only mentally. Only mentally.

[Jake Johnson]

Fair. Okay. So you're going to be doing a. You reached out to this guy. He's your mentor. He's in your corner. You're Rocky. You're going to go to Russia, AKA or Siberia, AKA the farm. You're going to train. And when do you actually pop the melon? What date is that?

[Oliver]

We're hoping. March 24th. My birthday.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a lovely day. And just send your wife away.

[Jake Johnson]

March 24th, you're going to be on tour.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think I'll. No, I'll be back for a minute, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Will you please let us know how it goes?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Can I ask you.

[Oliver]

Absolutely. Will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A question, Oliver? Are you. Since you're documenting this, do you have a title?

[Oliver]

I'm still sticking with Melons Beware is the best. I've also heard Yippee ki. Melon farmer. Like Die Hard 2. You could also. When they play it on TV, you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could also call yourself the Melon Man.

[Oliver]

The Melon Man.

[Jake Johnson]

Melon musher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Melon musher is good.

[Oliver]

Oh, we. We got a workshop. All of these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna throw them up on the floor.

[Jake Johnson]

So do us a favor, man. If you film what you're doing on the 24th, we would love a clip of it. We will obviously continue to push.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And a followup.

[Jake Johnson]

And a followup. We'll obviously push your documentary for you, but we'd love to know what happens on the 24th, man. It seems like to do a followup.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'd love to hear that, but there's one. One. There's one caveat. No other podcasts you're exclusively signing a deal with. We're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that fair?

[Oliver]

All right. Fair, fair, fair. You guys will get the first follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

That's fair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait, wait. We'll get the first political. There.

[Jake Johnson]

You just pissed.

[Natalie]

Only follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Ours has to air first before it's like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Until ours air.

[Jake Johnson]

This is like the Leno Letterman battle. We need the star first.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Listen, you're not going to go do another podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

It's interesting that you went instantly that you were Leno. Oliver, thank you for the call, buddy. Good luck, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good luck.

[Oliver]

Hey, thanks, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Oliver]

And now, after hours, two podcasts giving advice on how to do this, a full documentary of training, and one cool teaser that we shot. It's time for the most disgusting moment of my career.

[Jake Johnson]

Did we hear that?

[Oliver]

I'm sorry. Victory slice of the victim.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds. Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Max Greenfield]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two.

[Jake Johnson]

Video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward/heretohelpod.

[Natalie]

Hello and welcome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or hi, my name is Cole.

[Jake Johnson]

My name is Andrew. We host a podcast called Podcast But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Outside, where Cole and I set up.

[Jake Johnson]

A table on the sidewalk and talk to strangers who are walking by.

[Natalie]

We have a sign on our table that says, hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be a guest on our podcast and we will pay you $1.00.

[Jake Johnson]

We are the only ethical podcast. We're the only podcast that pays. We have really interesting conversations with really fun folks. Like who? Like Marilyn. Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I was somebody else's wife for.

[Jake Johnson]

A while, but the second one worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Out well until he died.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It turned out he had a double life.

[Jake Johnson]

What was the second?

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was a crack addict.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, how do you hide?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hold on. How do you hide? I don't. He was a nice old Jewish guy. How did he get addicted to crack? He started smoking it.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but I just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just trying to.

[Jake Johnson]

I know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was a good clip. Hey, thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

And sometimes we even have celebrity friends of ours helping us to interview these random people off the street. Like who like Jon Hamm, Adam Scott.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nick Kroll, and Atsuko Okatsuka. So please subscribe to podcast but outside on YouTube and podcast apps and then have a good time.