161: Memaw's Wig & That's the Sauce (with Justin Long)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" Episode 161: Memaw's Wig & That's the Sauce (with Justin Long)

Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Guest: Justin Long
Release Date: April 9, 2025

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Introduction and Host Banter

The episode kicks off with hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds engaging in their typical friendly banter, setting a relaxed and humorous tone for the show. Justin Long joins as a special guest, adding an extra layer of entertainment and camaraderie to the conversation.

Notable Quote:

• Jake Johnson [01:03]: "This is a Headgum podcast."
• Justin Long [01:29]: "Great calls."

Shared Childhood Stories

Jake and Justin reminisce about their school days, sharing funny and sometimes embarrassing stories from their middle school years. These anecdotes not only highlight their long-standing friendship but also provide listeners with relatable content about navigating adolescence.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson [02:05]: "She was a French teacher. And, the first day of school she had a southern action."
• Justin Long [03:03]: "He had that, like, Irish face, red face. Wow."

Caller Segment: Mandy’s Dilemma with Meemaw

The core of the episode revolves around a call from Mandy, who seeks advice on managing her grandmother's (Meemaw) excessive online shopping habits. Meemaw, in her 70s, struggles with using the internet, leading Mandy to become her de facto online shopper. This role has become increasingly burdensome, especially after Meemaw requested a $150 wig from Amazon, raising concerns about potential exploitation.

Caller Details:

• Caller Name: Mandy
• Issue: Managing Meemaw's online shopping demands
• Specific Problem: Meemaw requested a $150 wig with low reviews, possibly to impress a new male acquaintance.

Notable Quotes:

• Mandy [17:09]: "I think I need Joel's help with it."
• Mandy [20:29]: "It's gotten to be a lot."

Hosts' Advice and Solution Development

Jake and Justin brainstorm strategies to help Mandy alleviate her responsibilities without damaging her relationship with Meemaw. They consider various approaches, such as:

1. Implementing an Internet Fast: Suggesting that Mandy and her family take a collective break from online purchases, akin to "No Internet April."
2. Hiring IT Specialists: Recommending the hiring of a college student to assist Meemaw with her internet usage, thereby reducing Mandy's burden.
3. Creating a Mock Voicemail: Developing a convincing voicemail warning Meemaw about fraudulent activities on her account to discourage further online purchases.

Throughout this segment, the hosts emphasize the delicate balance between helping Mandy and maintaining a respectful relationship with her grandmother.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin Long [31:06]: "I'm doing a no Internet April."
• Jake Johnson [32:28]: "There are college kids who... can hire them as an IT specialist."

Execution of the Proposed Solution

Mandy collaborates with the hosts to create a realistic voicemail message intended to convince Meemaw to cease her online shopping activities. This involves Mandy playing the role of an official representative from the "Internet call center," informing Meemaw of suspicious activities and advising her to halt online purchases.

Notable Quotes:

• Justin Long [43:13]: "We have a very similar... we also have other sections."
• Jake Johnson [43:27]: "Let me ask you this. Do you think you could participate in that video without laughing, though?"

Caller Segment: Stone’s Foot Fetish Confusion

The episode transitions to a humorous interaction with another caller, Stone, who brings up a supposed foot fetish. Jake and Justin engage in a playful and exaggerated discussion to tease Stone, leading to a lighthearted and entertaining exchange that showcases the hosts' improvisational skills.

Caller Details:

• Caller Name: Stone
• Issue: Friends believe he has a foot fetish
• Actual Situation: Stone denies having a foot fetish despite his friends’ assumptions based on a drunken joke.

Notable Quotes:

• Stone [49:35]: "I have a full beard."
• Justin Long [55:37]: "You have a foot fetish, you're an idiot."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode wraps up, Jake and Justin reflect on the effectiveness of their advice to Mandy and share a few final laughs with Stone. They encourage listeners to engage with the show by submitting their own questions and highlight the importance of maintaining healthy relationships while setting personal boundaries.

Notable Quotes:

• Mandy [47:15]: "This was perfect."
• Justin Long [74:05]: "Thanks, guys. Thanks, Don."

Insights and Takeaways

1. Balancing Help and Boundaries: The episode underscores the importance of assisting loved ones without overstepping, advocating for strategic approaches to manage responsibilities effectively.
2. Creative Problem-Solving: Jake and Justin demonstrate innovative thinking by crafting unique solutions tailored to Mandy’s specific predicament, highlighting their commitment to genuinely helping callers.
3. Humor as a Tool: The playful interaction with Stone illustrates how humor can be used to navigate awkward or uncomfortable situations, making the podcast both entertaining and relatable.

Final Remarks

"We're Here to Help" Episode 161 masterfully combines heartfelt advice with humor, showcasing Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds' ability to engage listeners through genuine conversations and improvisational comedy. Whether you're dealing with family dynamics or just in need of a good laugh, this episode offers a blend of practical solutions and relatable storytelling.

Access the Episode: For those interested in watching video episodes or submitting questions, visit patreon.com/heretohelpod or email your questions to [e-mail].

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Note: All advice provided in "We're Here to Help" is for entertainment purposes only. Listeners should make their own informed decisions.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Headgun podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Justin Long]

Out. And we are back on a Wednesday with very special episode.

[Jake Johnson]

Feels like a Thursday.

[Justin Long]

Ladies and gentlemen, Justin Long joins us. We finished the calls. We did and we're just.

[Jake Johnson]

Great calls.

[Justin Long]

Great call.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm excited for people to hear this.

[Justin Long]

This is a banger today. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I had a teacher in. I don't want to say her name who had a flatulence problem in, in, in describe described.

[Justin Long]

Was she a trapeze artist?

[Jake Johnson]

She. She was. She.

[Justin Long]

How is this teacher gonna know we're talking about her?

[Jake Johnson]

She. Well, I know now I'm, I'm worried because she was a language teacher. She was a, she's a French teacher. And, and the first day of school she had a southern action. She said now I just want you all get the giggle. I know, I know this can be a funny subject but I have, I have a gastrointestinal. And she. And like looking back, I feel really bad for this, you know. And so of course it was tough.

[Justin Long]

Job to have that though around kids.

[Jake Johnson]

It's seventh, eighth grade. Come on, man. And so she said now I have a condition and it causes me to fart. I fart quite often. And so I want you to. I know it's funny. Today you can laugh all. You can get your giggles out because from now on there's to be no laughter. So I want everyone. Well, I know. So what do you think happened every time she farted?

[Justin Long]

You died laughing, got in trouble every day.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you. The first day that we could laugh. Of course you don't want to laugh when it's like, oh, it's. If you have permission to laugh, it's.

[Justin Long]

Like it's less funny.

[Jake Johnson]

It's much less funny. But when you can't laugh and the funny, you know, and, and it was in Connecticut in the winter time. She'd have to leave the window open.

[Justin Long]

Oh, poor.

[Jake Johnson]

And just circuit. I know, I know, I know.

[Justin Long]

But I had a baseball coach in seventh grade or eighth grade. We were like, there's a group of us. We were on, like, starting to get good. And so it was like, no more parents.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

They brought in a guy in from Chicago who used to, like, play a little ball.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Justin Long]

And because we were good, the problem was, was we had. Some of us, myself included, had an attitude problem. We didn't take the game as seriously as Coach Mike wanted us to.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't say.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, and we're good. We're not that good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

So let's go. So it was. No, it was now he's going to run this, and if we're going to be good, we're going to be good. And it's me and these two other guys were just goofing around one day and he sat the whole team down and was giving us the kind of yelling that only comes around a handful of times in your life. He had that, like, Irish face, red face. Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I drove here where you're like, Ed Harris.

[Justin Long]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Drill starts exactly where you're like, whoa, Whoa. He had.

[Jake Johnson]

You want a lot, Are you?

[Justin Long]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Scared.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

Scared. This wasn't someone's dad.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Looking back, it's probably 26 year old guy, but at the time, he's like 50.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, totally. He was like.

[Justin Long]

He was an adult man.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

But I was like, it's crazy. I was also, you know, a thick 240. And at the time, I think I weighed like 70 pounds.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

I was like, he could break us all.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And then go get lunch. I was like, yeah, no, I think this is the best way to get through to me. I was like, yeah, no, I'm gonna run faster. I respect everything he's saying. All of a sudden, and he was squatting down and he had back then a look that was connected to the 70s, but people still rock him in the 80s. And that is just sweatpants. Cut.

[Jake Johnson]

Uhhuh.

[Justin Long]

But he had a hole right where his choke was. And I'm not joking. And his legs are a little spread. And I didn't notice it because I was so intimidated. I was looking down and my buddy goes, oh, no. You can see what looks like. He's like, gumballs, gumball. He goes, chewed gum, chewed gum, chewed gum. And I go like, huh? And he's like, gumball, Gumballs. Chewed gum, chewed gum. And I go like, mike, shut the up, Shut the up. And he goes in between his legs, pink chewed gum. And I look and you see a section of his sack.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

That looked like chewed bubble gum or like turkey neck.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course.

[Justin Long]

Justin. I was so afraid of laughing because I had already blown my ability to laugh. I was having a bad practice with attitude.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

So was Mike.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

If we laughed then I might have gotten beaten up.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh yeah. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Or so yelled at to a point where I thought I can't. I saw his red nuts.

[Jake Johnson]

That takes such that. I know, I know you that thing. And I know that the level of fear that is required to not laugh at red nuts exposed there sitting there on. And at that age, 13 also like.

[Justin Long]

I was a boy, I hadn't even gone through puberty.

[Jake Johnson]

It's the funniest. I mean we're talking to today we're going to be talking about body parts and stuff. It's easily the funniest.

[Justin Long]

The best thing. It's still this. It's the best.

[Jake Johnson]

The weirdest, funniest part of the body.

[Justin Long]

But I remember sitting there and I was looking at the bubble gum and then at some point the hairy bubble gum, somebody went like. You heard in the back, like. And I was like, oh. And then somebody else went like. And then there was an eruption and I honest to God, in my memory, I don't remember what happened. I don't remember ever practicing again.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

The season. Baseball was over for me at that. So I don't remember. We might have finished the year. I have no memory besides the laughter starting and me can't catch my breath being like.

[Jake Johnson]

Because once other people are doing it, then it was.

[Justin Long]

It was an out of body experience of joy.

[Jake Johnson]

You're floating.

[Justin Long]

It was like, this is. I'm in the middle of the funniest thing that's ever happened to me. So happy.

[Jake Johnson]

I bet this is so. Especially at that age. God. I had a coach that reminded me of that and he wore such high. I don't know what I would have done because I was so scared of him. I was so intimidated by him. I ran into one of his sons recently and they said, you know, he's got real. I asked about how's your dad doing? He said, they said he's got many heart attacks.

[Justin Long]

Awful.

[Jake Johnson]

I thought, well, yeah, he was such an angry guy. He would get so worked up. I was playing. I was playing right field once and I was terrible, you know. So they stuck me in right field and there was a ball hit directly to center field. It was easy. Fly ball, center field. Everything slowed Down. I thought it was mine to catch. I was gonna be the hero.

[Justin Long]

Ran right into the center.

[Jake Johnson]

It was like Chariots of Fire theme playing. Like, I'm running. And the next thing I remember, I collided with. And I heard the center fielder like, what are you doing? Like him trying to call me off. Like the coach trying to call me off. Justin screaming at me. And in my head it was like, go, Justin. You know? And I'm like, oh, my God. And I collided with him so hard, like a brick wall. And the next thing I remember is just waking up to the coaches voice just screaming at me.

[Justin Long]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

In the ball. I saw the ball. My leg just trickling in front of me.

[Justin Long]

Oh, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Because the center fielder was down and like, what? Screaming. I mean, like. Yeah, I was 14 years old, but I was tiny.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, I was tiny too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

I was always the guy holding the class sign.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, me too.

[Justin Long]

Crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. To this day, when I took. I just did that show with Max.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The neighborhood. And to this day, I go. They go, just what do you. I. I kneel down.

[Justin Long]

Yes. By the way, I always think I gotta be in the middle and I'm always gonna be humiliating. The teacher goes, jake, you want to hold the sign? Yeah. I'm like, no, I want to stand the back with the ladies because I'm taller. I'm not 3 11.

[Jake Johnson]

You are though, Jake. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

You're the littlest.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And when in school when they would line you up from smallest to big, and it would be like, the guys, the girls, all girls. And then they'd go like, Jake's even littler. Be like, Jake, like, hey, Sarah, move to the right. I'm all the way to the left. Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't know this. My whole class. Judy Wilosan.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

The one person in my entire past would be shorter than me, I swear to God. And Judy, I see her. Everyone's. I thank her every time I see.

[Justin Long]

It makes sense with our personalities.

[Jake Johnson]

Look at me.

[Justin Long]

I'll tell you another thing. Yeah. How late were you in the puberty game?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, late.

[Justin Long]

Me too.

[Jake Johnson]

Like 17.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Like.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I had a. I was driving a car, you know, late in the puberty game. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

You better have a wicked tongue to talk yourself out of situations.

[Jake Johnson]

For sure.

[Justin Long]

So I had a thing where we were all my high school had a. We had to swim in class A game. And I was sitting there next to a couple of goddamn grown men.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Kid named Matt Walker. If you're listening now, Matt had a full beard.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Justin Long]

Chest hair.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Like seventh grade.

[Justin Long]

He was a man. No, this was in high school. This was like, freshman, sophomore year.

[Jake Johnson]

He was.

[Justin Long]

He was a man.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

I was sitting around a couple of men. I was a boy. It looked like they were babysitting me.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yes.

[Justin Long]

But we were competing for the same ladies.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yes.

[Justin Long]

And it would. He'd be like, man, I really like Alexis. And I'm like, hey, buddy, she's mine. And he's like, no, she's literally not yours. You're shorter than. I'm like, I don't know. There's fibage.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And he's like, literally, I've been through puberty. But he goes, we're sitting there next to each other, and then he goes, whoa. And I go, what? He goes, dude, you don't have, like, any hair on your body. And I go. And he wasn't being a bully.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I know.

[Justin Long]

Couldn't understand what he was seeing.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he.

[Justin Long]

And I go, like, yes, I do, because I did have some leg hair.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. I had, like.

[Justin Long]

I had, like, baby chest hair, too, but there was hair. I looked in the mirror at it, and I go, no, that's not true. And he goes, like, no, dude. Weird. Two other boys who are also hairy gorillas. Justin lifted my arms up. We're scanning my armpits for nothing. And it was at that moment I was about to be revealed. So you want to know what I honestly said? It's a condition all the men in my family have. I go, I swear on my life, I go like that. It's. By the way, my dad didn't raise me. I didn't even know what the man looked like with his clothes off. And I go, yeah. I go, none of the guys in my family. And Matt Walker goes, really? And I go, hell, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

They're like dolphins.

[Justin Long]

I go, matt, walk. I go, it's crazy. I was like, yeah. I go, none of them. Not one hair.

[Jake Johnson]

So then they feel bad for you.

[Justin Long]

No, they were more like, whoa. I didn't even know that was a thing. And I was like, y. Actually not a big deal at all, but, yeah, my dad. And they were all like, whoa, it was such a weird love thing. They all stopped talking about it. There was like, a weird pause, and someone's like, what are you guys doing for lunch? And I was like, I would rather pretend I had an issue genetically than just going this. Hey, guys, I'm just a little further behind puberty.

[Jake Johnson]

Funny. Isn't that funny?

[Justin Long]

Give me six months.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Yeah, I know. And Then you have to keep it up. Cuz then they see you like, then you start getting hair and you're like.

[Justin Long]

By the way, the funny thing about that age all forgot. One day I just was hairier and nobody went like, hey, what about that genetic condition you have? No one cares. But for me, I was like. When I started going through period, I was like, no, my chest is some hair on. I'm like, nobody cares.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, I know, Jake. I tried out for football freshman year because my mom was like, okay, you can do it. She thought I'd outgrow it, my desire to play football. By then I was weighing, I was 4 foot 10. I weighed 89 pounds in high school. In high school. And so.

[Justin Long]

And the rule was my favorite new realization.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, me too. The, the rule was if you made, made it through the two weeks of training camp, you got to be on the team. It was the JB team, but you got to be on it. And that's all I want. I just wanted a uniform, uniform, helmet. I wanted the jersey and the girl, you know, it's. Girl, you know, it's all I thought about.

[Justin Long]

You're a cool guy.

[Jake Johnson]

And I made it through. And the guy closest to me and wait. Tan Gandhi. If you're listening, shout out. Thank you. He was like 115. Yeah. And we'd have to do these suicides. I'd have him on my back up and down hills and I'd come home at the end of each day and I mustered enough energy to just answer my parents when they were like, how was my mom's worried, like cutting care. How was it? I was like, good. I'm just going to, I'm just going to head upstairs for a second and I would shut the door and I would puke because I was so exhausted and like, you know, but I, I made it through two weeks. I was so proud of myself. And the coach, Richie Magny, pulled me aside. He goes, come here, son. I want to talk to you about him. I'm like, oh, what position is he going to get? You know? He goes, let me tell you something, son. You're. You're not going to play, you know. And I go, no, no, I know. I'll ride the bench. I'll be a backup cornerback or some, you know, some. But like, I'm on the team, I need the uniform. And he goes, you're not going to play that. I go, yeah, I know. If someone gets injured though. He goes, let me tell you something. If the whole team rides to a game on the bus. And he said, he goes, and you happen to drive separately and God forbid that bus gets into an acc, then you still not going to play. And you know that feeling that you're the guy in football. I, my, I could feel the. The blood flowing by the heat and the like. And he goes, son, we got a great wrestling team. And he goes, and you'll be in your own way category. No one will be in your way category. So you have to forfeit every game. You'll win all the games. And I said, yeah, but it's the same time as football. He goes, you're not going to play. And he. And so that's. So I tried wrestling for like a day. And I was like, this is weird.

[Justin Long]

And like, I tried wrestling.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And that's why. So I started acting.

[Justin Long]

Started, that is. We have a very similar.

[Jake Johnson]

That's funny, Jake. I didn't know that.

[Justin Long]

Neither did I. Hey, everybody, stick around. I know. It was a long intro. We got a great show. These calls are killers. Justin, you're the best.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, the best. You are.

[Justin Long]

Enjoy the show, everybody. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We love Squarespace. My personal website, Gareth Reynolds.com is a Squarespace site. So user friendly. We've built multiple websites for the show through Squarespace because we don't have the time or energy to come up with big, elaborate lies for people. Squarespace will help us do that. Honestly, there's just so much good that Squarespace offers. There are the services, the offering services that'll help get you paid in one place. From consultations to events to experiences. They have SEO tools. There's Squarespace domains, like I said, they have just. I mean, we've got four or five domains through Squarespace videos. It makes it easy to showcase your expertise, get your clients engaged with videos on your website. I could, I could build a website about Squarespace. I might even reach out to them.

[Justin Long]

So head to squarespace.com hereto help for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code here to help to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. This episode of the podcast we're here to help is brought to you by Hungry Root. Hungry Root is like having your own personal shopper and nutritionalist all wrapped into one. They take care of the weekly grocery shopping, recommended healthy groceries and meals tailored to your taste, nutritional preferences and health goals. Hungry Root makes it easy to eat healthy and delicious. All of Hungry Roots recipes can be made in just 15 minutes or less. With over 15,000 recipes shipped each week, there's something for every taste and nutritional preference. I'm a man who is dairy free, but I like my food to taste good. And Hungry Root has delivered.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Justin Long]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Justin Long]

We love you. I feel that way about Shakespeare, though.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

I think we got a caller on the line. Let's do it. Hello.

[Mandy]

Hello.

[Justin Long]

Hey, how are you?

[Mandy]

Hi. Good, good.

[Justin Long]

Can we get your name, please? Sure.

[Mandy]

Mandy.

[Justin Long]

Hey, Mandy.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a great name. Oh, Mandy.

[Mandy]

Thanks.

[Justin Long]

Hey, Mandy, you got a special one today. You got Justin Long.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Mandy.

[Mandy]

Wow. Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't have to.

[Justin Long]

I felt it. I felt it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, that's sweet of you to feign excitement.

[Justin Long]

No, Justin, I think it was exciting.

[Jake Johnson]

Mandy, do people sing that song to you when they meet you?

[Mandy]

No, just you.

[Jake Johnson]

That's another old person thing.

[Justin Long]

And what is it you sing people?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, man, it's a Barry Manilow song.

[Justin Long]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's an old person.

[Justin Long]

Did you see the Neil diamond clip where he's making out with a lady he brings up from the crowd?

[Jake Johnson]

No, but I just saw Bon Jovi do that.

[Justin Long]

By the way, you and I have been sending each other a lot of.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we have. Oh, I love Neil diamond makeup. Like older Neil diamond or.

[Justin Long]

Yes, older. With a slightly younger woman. He's saying, you'll be a woman soon, girl. But he's saying. And then at one point he goes, she's ready. Mandy, where are you calling from?

[Mandy]

I'm calling from New Orleans.

[Jake Johnson]

Parked Parkway. The Parkway Po Boys.

[Mandy]

Oh, yeah. Those are the best.

[Jake Johnson]

The best.

[Justin Long]

You ever had a Gator Po Boy?

[Mandy]

Gator Po Boy. I've had Gator nuggets.

[Jake Johnson]

Giacomos. Right, Mandy?

[Mandy]

Yeah, those are good.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I had a night with Jacques. Jacques Amo. The actual. And we got drunk on Chartreuse and just. It was the first time I wore a beanie I. You remember when beanies were really cool? And I tried to. I was like, maybe I could be a beanie guy.

[Justin Long]

Maybe. Maybe I'm a dock worker.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe I try to be a blue collar looking guy. Five easy pieces. And he took the beanie because he said, it's not you. And he gave me a bottle of Chartreuse.

[Justin Long]

That's pretty cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I never really. Yeah, that was my beanie day. But that's a great place. Giacomo's.

[Justin Long]

Mandy. New Orleans. How old are you?

[Mandy]

33.

[Justin Long]

33. What can we do for you today?

[Mandy]

I am calling in reference of my grandma, Meemaw Meaw. She. Yeah, she's in her 70s. She has a lot of time on her hands, and she likes to do online shopping with that time. The problem is, is that she doesn't know how to work the Internet. So there was a period where my mom was helping her, but she had to cut her off because it just became too much. And I somehow have gotten roped into this, and I think I need Joel's help with it. That would have been around Christmas time. She asked me to order some things for my kids for Christmas, and she would send me the money for it, and that was fine. And she asked for a few other things for me to order just for Christmas presents, which I was like, okay, that. You know, that's no big deal, right? Fast forward. Since Christmas, I have ordered dozens of Amazon purchases for her. Not just purchases, but I've had to deal with returns, customers.

[Justin Long]

You're becoming her goddamn assistant.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You're her shop.

[Mandy]

Printing out return labels for her, keeping track of who owes who how much money. It's gotten to be a lot.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mandy]

The latest kind of escalation of this is she asked me to buy. Well, first, I think she's telling me some secrets. And I think she has somewhat of a man friend that she's trying to impress. And she asked me to buy her a hundred and fifty dollars wig off of Amazon, which, by the way, the setup.

[Justin Long]

Wait, hold on. We might need a photo. I gotta tell you, I'm liking this turn because I thought it was gonna be one setup. But in the setup I thought you were doing, there was nothing to do with the wig.

[Mandy]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Are you with me, Justin? I was like, all right, this is about. You're being taken advantage of. We gotta talk to Meemaw. We gotta say, hey, Kula, with the shopping.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. It's taking a wig. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Okay, Mandy, keep going. So memaw wants one wig.

[Mandy]

Is that. She doesn't know about the Internet. So I look at the link. It has like four reviews. It has two star. There's no, like, pictures of other people who have purchased it. It's 150. She's on a fixed income. Like, I'm feeling bad.

[Justin Long]

It's a bad wit.

[Stone]

But.

[Mandy]

Well, then she also tells me, don't tell anyone in my family, by the.

[Justin Long]

Way, that it's a joke. That is a joke wig.

[Mandy]

Yeah, like a clown wiggy. Like a joke. Like a surprise. Like, I have a wig now.

[Jake Johnson]

Does she normally wear a wig?

[Mandy]

Maybe wants me to. No, she doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

So she has a full head of hair.

[Mandy]

I mean, of grandma hair. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Explain lady's hair, because you mentioned there's a man in the picture maybe, and she's been. She's sharing secrets with you. What does the wig have to do with the man? Is she trying to play a prank on him or trying to turn him on?

[Justin Long]

Is it like.

[Mandy]

I think it's. Yeah, I think it is probably to woo and impress the man. And I think she doesn't want to share that. And so she's masking it as a joke.

[Jake Johnson]

Joke.

[Justin Long]

Okay, Mima, I need a little bit of info on Mimo. What age we talk? Are we talking 60, 70, 80 or 90 or 100?

[Mandy]

She's in her 70s.

[Justin Long]

Okay. Beginning of the later half.

[Mandy]

I think she's like 72.

[Justin Long]

Okay. She's just starting the seven spring chicken. So what do we know about this gentleman caller?

[Mandy]

I know that he lives in the neighborhood, that he kind of recently deceased wife, and that Mema kind of approached him to offer him comfort during that time.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, I'm so sorry. With that in mind, what do you think I look like in this wig? Meemaw's getting down.

[Jake Johnson]

You're going to need some comforting.

[Justin Long]

Yes, I like that move.

[Jake Johnson]

And is the wig. Would you describe it as kind of a younger looking wig to get turned.

[Justin Long]

On for the comfort?

[Jake Johnson]

Like a blonde or a bangy? Like.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, what is it? What is it?

[Mandy]

Brunette, very wispy, short.

[Justin Long]

So it's just like a wig. Sex wig. You'll just call it what it is. It's the drawer next to the bed where it's got some props, right? Meemaw's got some props, is your question. Can you borrow Meemaw's wig? And is that weird? And the answer is borrow it. Mandy, who cares?

[Jake Johnson]

You're cleaning out my grandma's drink drawers before she. Long before she passed.

[Justin Long]

This is a true story.

[Jake Johnson]

True story. And they found a gum. What? She Described as a gum massager. And it was a. You know, it was vibrating, of course, and it was a gum massage. So everyone in the family was like, a gum massager. It made it worse because then that became the thing that everybody spread around, like, who is a gum massager? Everybody who knew was, like, the wrong trade. It was bad cover.

[Justin Long]

Next to my dad's bed, we've owned a big thing of Vaseline in a dildo.

[Jake Johnson]

And what a dildo. No kidding.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Next to his bed in, like, his little.

[Justin Long]

Because my dad is a sick. What's going on here? Get out of here. This is not what you think. Hey, dad, these two going next to your bed. Stop it. So memaw wants a wig.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not what you think.

[Justin Long]

What is it?

[Jake Johnson]

You have to explain it. Then it's incumbent on you to then off.

[Justin Long]

It's none of your business. But it's not going where you think it's going. You, your brother, are making this disgusting.

[Jake Johnson]

Yo. Yeah, it's our fault.

[Justin Long]

We put it there.

[Jake Johnson]

So. So, Mema. So, Mandy, were you able to say to me, ma, listen. You know, it has four reviews, and this is like, you have to look at the reviews of stars. Like, have you had that tutorial or attempted.

[Mandy]

So lost on technology that. That feels impossible to even explain that.

[Justin Long]

So, Mandy, here's what I need you to do. Then this is. Unless. Did I cut you off too early? Do you have more setup?

[Mandy]

The only other thing that I want to add is that I am her first grandchild and her favorite grandchild. And so what solution we come up.

[Justin Long]

Just seem like a kind of a flex on everybody else, but cool. Just in case you're.

[Mandy]

It needs to be like, I stay in Mima's good graces.

[Justin Long]

Okay. I thought that was just in case other people in your family listen to this episode.

[Jake Johnson]

There is one more thing I want to add. I am the prettiest in the family. I'm the most efficient.

[Justin Long]

I'm the coolest. I'm the strongest. I'm the best. Also you, Jerry. Yeah, don't cut that out, please. That'd be cool.

[Jake Johnson]

Please leave that in to my cousin Jerry.

[Justin Long]

Eat my dick, man. I'm the man. You're not the man.

[Jake Johnson]

Feel free to put that in the trailer for this episode.

[Justin Long]

But you guys produced your own show, so it's important to you that you and Meemaw it. We. We do not want to offend her. We don't want to hurt it. Right?

[Mandy]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Justin Long]

So, then, Mandy, what is the specific question we can help you with today.

[Mandy]

The specific question is how to cut her off. Because I feel like it's not slowing down, it's just increasing and also becoming more personal. So how do I either stop or slow down her demands?

[Justin Long]

But is it the man? Is it the. Okay, so it's not. So the wig thing was just information that's not necessary to the question.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm glad you mentioned it.

[Justin Long]

Me too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

But just in terms of what you're.

[Mandy]

That's an example.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Of the nonsense.

[Justin Long]

Now I understand what you're saying.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's like 150 for a. Like, even if you do want to turn them on, like, let's get to know this new. This gentleman.

[Justin Long]

But also like, in terms of the question, like, who cares what she's buying? It's not a money problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I, I, she's saying that's frivolous stuff. It's like.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, but like, it's useless.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like a stuff stor.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, but his Neemo broke. Like, is this Manny? This isn't a money.

[Jake Johnson]

She's not a fix.

[Justin Long]

Oh, yeah.

[Mandy]

She shouldn't be spending 150 on a wig. Definitely not.

[Justin Long]

It's all in all confusing.

[Jake Johnson]

She's got to save up for that gator cheesecake at Giacomo. What? Have you met the young man that she's is courting Her?

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Mandy]

No, I have not.

[Justin Long]

Okay. But the thing we're looking to do here is how do we.

[Jake Johnson]

Because this is.

[Justin Long]

And I'm glad you said that thing about keeping the relationship good, because this is complicated.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it is.

[Justin Long]

Because you have become. You are her fingers into the Internet. And she like. And by the way, when we all first go through our first Internet bender.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God, it's incredible.

[Justin Long]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

My grandma lived to be 104. And I asked her what. What is the biggest change like in that? Because I was fascinated by all the things she had seen. She, she went to Italy when Mussolini was in power. You know, she was alive before the first pop up toaster was invented. I mean, like crazy. You know, they had an iceman who would bring. And she said, and without hesitating, she said. And she was sharp up until the end, she said, the Internet, it's just exponentially shocking. Shocking what it did. It's shocking to happen. Yeah. And to your point, Mandy, like, whenever I would try to teach her about technology or. Not that I know much about it. I'm a real luddite, but I knew enough about the Internet. There would be a new thing. You know, technology would have Advanced. Like, by the time she figured out DVDs, it was on something else. So. But I know. And I also know how delicate that relationship is and how important it is. So.

[Justin Long]

But this is tricky.

[Jake Johnson]

It's tricky. How do you broach it with her?

[Justin Long]

But. So what we're trying to do. And I just got to get the question at least in our head, as clean as possible before we pitch. How do we get her to stop asking you to buy things on the Internet?

[Mandy]

Yes.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't want that responsibility anymore.

[Mandy]

Right. And there's too many other strings attached. Like, she's also asking about other websites. It's growing. The demand is growing.

[Justin Long]

So you. You are just. You're not looking to change the relationship. You're not looking to fix her spending. You're not looking to do anything with her and her new boyfriend who just died and she offered sex for. Called it comfort. We're not judging the fact that she's got a wig that is a younger lady's wig that she bought for 550, but it's low rated on the Internet. None of that has anything to do with. It's just, how do we get her to say to you, I'm done asking you to use the Internet for me. Me?

[Mandy]

Yes.

[Justin Long]

Okay. That's doable.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. Do not to get hung up on this. It was only rated by four people.

[Justin Long]

So it'd be a nice way.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe a great win.

[Justin Long]

You know, we just don't know yet.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Sometimes people. Yeah. For the wrong reason. Maybe it didn't do the thing they thought it would. It wasn't funny enough or sexual enough.

[Justin Long]

Man. And what have you done so far, Mandy, in terms of what have you tried to do? Let's get a sense of Mimo. What's her vibe? Is she bitey?

[Jake Johnson]

Is she sweet, Playful? She rascal?

[Mandy]

I will tell you that I used an alias today because I wouldn't want Mima to ever know that I'm talking about her.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. And I could tell you ain't from Nolan's because you ain't got that thing.

[Jake Johnson]

I know that just by listening to you.

[Justin Long]

We a couple of knowledge, boys. Manny, I ain't never heard anybody from New Orleans talk like you're from the Holland. Honey, I've been trying to find the Orleans in you. Oh. But I can't find it.

[Jake Johnson]

There's no swamp coming out of that microphone.

[Justin Long]

I'm like, where in New Orleans are you from? Connecticut.

[Jake Johnson]

New Haven.

[Justin Long]

New Orleans.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it New Haven or New Orleans? Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And so here's my. Here's my first pitch. I think you say to her, hey, just FYI, similar to Lent, I'm doing a no Internet April.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[Justin Long]

And go. It's something that everybody's doing. It's like, what you've got to do with the Internet is you do like. And you go like, oh, it's. I guess. And she goes, oh, I haven't heard of it. You go, well, yeah, right. Because you don't know how to use it. But what people do is the way they do a dry January, the way they do something like this. You go, we do no Internet April. So I'm just taking a break, just FYI. So don't email me. I use my phone, but for texts and calls. And then if she goes, would you buy something for me? Go, go. Well, I can't. I'm not buying anything.

[Jake Johnson]

It is deceptive.

[Justin Long]

Well, of course you got a lie.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

Well, I mean, you got to crack some eggs to make omelets here, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

A gator omelet. Of course, yeah. Cajun omelette.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Spice in there, just to start.

[Justin Long]

Mandy, when you hear that, what are your early thoughts?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, what do you think?

[Mandy]

I. I like this suggestion, but my fear is the longevity.

[Justin Long]

Oh, she'll just wait a month.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Are you hoping that she. She just forgets it and moves on?

[Justin Long]

I'm hoping she finds somebody else.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, then let me. This may correspond to. This might be a nice segue for my pitch to Mandy, which is because I went through this with my parents and I tried this. It had mixed results, but I. I think it might work in your case. There are college kids who. This is like second nature to these millennials now.

[Justin Long]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

And you can. And they like money, and you can hire them, and it might be. It be cheap to hire them as an IT specialist to. And assign them to Meemaw. And Meemaw, this is your IT person. Use them sparingly, of course, and.

[Justin Long]

You.

[Jake Johnson]

Know, have them hire them for a couple hours to just get Meemaw all set up with and then somebody that she can text if she's in trouble.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. But, Justin, this is a huge fee for Mandy.

[Jake Johnson]

That'd be a fee.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Can your family all go in on it together? And can you. Can you, you know, can you commiserate with your family about and say, like, listen, this has been. I've been saddled with this. I know I'm the favorite in the family, and I'm the best looking and the strongest, but I've been unfairly saddled with this responsibility.

[Justin Long]

Andy, when you're hearing this, what are you thinking?

[Jake Johnson]

Can we all pitch in and get Meemaw an IT guy or girl?

[Mandy]

That idea would be good, but my family, I don't think could be like, I think Meemaw has done this to everyone in the. Have all had to cut her off. And they also get, like, really frustrated with her when they're like, the button is right here, like, trying to explain the Internet to her, that they think it's just a her problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Mandy]

So don't think they would be willing to outsource it because they think this is not something that we should outsource.

[Justin Long]

I got a weird one. Tell her the Internet broke.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh? Huh. I. I like your cleanse one. I think if you say you have a lifestyle change and you. I. And I'm not. I'm. I'm. I for my mental health.

[Justin Long]

Yes. But what about Mandy?

[Jake Johnson]

Internet breaking.

[Justin Long]

Mandy, what about if we go a little bit weird on Mima when I first say that? What if we do something where we say or we get her to believe buying on the Internet is bad?

[Jake Johnson]

It's not gonna happen. She's too into it. She loves it.

[Justin Long]

Mandy.

[Mandy]

She does love it. I think it's more believable that the Internet's broken, though.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Mandy]

I. I feel like I could get.

[Justin Long]

So here. Here's what I'm thinking.

[Jake Johnson]

But this new suitor is gonna, like, convince her otherwise.

[Justin Long]

But here's what I'm thinking. And, Mandy, if this is not something you're going to play to your Meemaw and potentially film her watching, then it's not worth doing. Oh, but if this is real, we could go down this road. What if Justin and I made a clip of something that it was the announcement that the Internet is, in fact, breaking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Time to get off.

[Justin Long]

It's taking a break. We are cutting back on Internet purchasing or something of the idea that these Internet. Like, what is something that would really, like, trigger Meemaw?

[Jake Johnson]

A scam.

[Justin Long]

A scam or that, like this. The products they're sending. The wigs are like.

[Jake Johnson]

The wigs are horses hair filled with lice.

[Justin Long]

You know, like, what could we get her that could scare her off and go, like, take a break or that maybe it's like an addiction. You know, Meemaw better tell us a little bit about Meemaw, because maybe what we're thinking of doing is how do we scare? You know, you got to tell a kid not to touch a stove, but you don't have to put Their hand on the hot stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Justin Long]

You just scare them away from, like.

[Jake Johnson]

Does Memo have any ethnic biases? Like, maybe if we said the wig came from a certain country and this.

[Justin Long]

Feels like a dangerous zone for our show.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

Because you know the tone that we're trying to do here. Yeah. You know what I mean? Do you know what I mean?

[Mandy]

We try to convince her that the Internet is broken and that it's a mass issue.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Mandy]

She's the type of meemaw that is, like, gonna post that on Facebook and she's gonna want to shout it from the rooftop. And people are going to come in and be like, that's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Our video is all over the place. I don't want my hands on this.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. And so. So I agree with you that she.

[Mandy]

But it could be that my account is broken somehow.

[Justin Long]

Wait, hold on.

[Jake Johnson]

Mandy, should we act this out?

[Justin Long]

Wait, hold on. Actually, you might. And, yes, but you might have just nailed something. What if you say something broke on your account and you can no longer make purchases because there was an issue with fraud.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Because she won't understand the math of this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. A fraudster from some country. It doesn't matter which country.

[Justin Long]

And what we could do is we could make it a voicemail calling you, and you could just send that to her and say, hey, I just got this message. I'm going to take a break. Buying anything from online. I got a message from the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

We could be the fraudulent fraudsters.

[Justin Long]

Yes. But we could also be. We could be representatives of the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I see.

[Justin Long]

And that her account on the end. The Internet has a call center.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, sure.

[Justin Long]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Why not?

[Justin Long]

And that what we have found with her spending. There's been fraudulent spending. Yes, exactly right. And so we're going to have to freeze her account in order to make sure that her money goes back. But there has been something that's been linked into her account and these scams. So for now, we highly recommend no purchasing for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And to check your bank accounts and change all your passwords.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. We don't want to scare you, but.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, there's not. Look, there's been no money taken.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

But in the Internet, we have found on these Internet channels.

[Jake Johnson]

Your Internet is sensitive now.

[Justin Long]

Your Internet is sensitive. So we highly recommend you don't do any purchasing from any of these accounts counts. Mandy, what do you think of that as a player?

[Mandy]

That would. I think that would be perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me ask you this. Do you think you could participate in that video without laughing, though?

[Justin Long]

Probably not.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. We'd have to do it separately, I imagine.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. Or we'll see. We might have to do a couple of takes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I think we could do it. I think. How do you. So.

[Justin Long]

So it wouldn't be a video. It would just be the audio we would send.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, good. We could.

[Justin Long]

But the audio would be this. Then, Mandy, you say, hey, Meemaw, FYI, I, you know, I got contacted by the Internet, and it turns out my account, my.

[Jake Johnson]

My calling from Palo Alto, we're reaching out to inform you that there is a vulnerability in your Internet, and we would advise you to stop making purchases. I already, too, like, by the way.

[Justin Long]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, but that kind of voice and.

[Justin Long]

Exactly right. And the purchases, you should stop buying online indefinitely. Perhaps go to stores. And then while you're talking, think about giving Meemaw some notes on what she should do if you have purchases. I saw here there was a wig purchase. Perhaps you could. Perhaps you could do that in person. They have wig shops where you're at.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And also. Or maybe you go the route you want to support local businesses, especially in a, you know, place like New Orleans. You want to.

[Justin Long]

Well, we don't want to say New Orleans, because there's no way that Mandy's from New Orleans.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Justin Long]

But does that.

[Mandy]

That part's true.

[Justin Long]

Are you.

[Jake Johnson]

And do you call Meemaw, because I know a lot of Southern Meemaw is a fairly common name for a grandma. Do you actually call her Meemaw?

[Mandy]

Yes.

[Justin Long]

Oh, okay, great. Okay. So, Mandy, if we pull this off and we get, like, a minute thing, you gonna try it?

[Mandy]

Yeah, definitely. Okay, I'll definitely. She. She would definitely buy into. If she hears something that's official.

[Justin Long]

Official.

[Jake Johnson]

We have to sound official.

[Mandy]

Broken.

[Justin Long]

It's got to be. The Internet is broken, and you should be on a free three to six months.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's.

[Justin Long]

And just take a long break and we're sorry to report this, but. Take a break.

[Jake Johnson]

Official.

[Mandy]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And then how are you going to get it to her? Are you going to call her, or are you going to email it to her? What are you going to do?

[Mandy]

I go to Mima's house every Wednesday to watch Survivor. So.

[Justin Long]

So you'll just. Is there any way that you could film Mimo watching this? And I know it's hard because it's on your phone, which is where the thing's going to be. So we need another friend's phone. But can you.

[Mandy]

I could. I could arrange that.

[Justin Long]

And can you do that in a way where Mimo has no idea. So she's not Hammond.

[Mandy]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And you. We have to hope that this gentleman caller is an Internet savvy. He's not see through this.

[Justin Long]

He's fallen for the wig routine.

[Mandy]

That's the thing.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. He's like, oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just your.

[Justin Long]

God, you look younger than hell.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Look at that full headache youthful hair.

[Justin Long]

I could have sworn yesterday you had different hair.

[Jake Johnson]

It don't matter. No, I like you. I like you both ways. Wow.

[Justin Long]

I'm needing a little bit more comfort.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a real looking wig there. I'm going to leave a nice review. I think you can do on that.

[Justin Long]

On the two out of five star.

[Jake Johnson]

I ran my hands through it felt like real thing. I'm going to put that on there. I'm got license.

[Justin Long]

So let's try this. Mandy, is there any information about you that we could beep out of the show that we could say at the beginning that helped make it seem official?

[Jake Johnson]

Huh?

[Mandy]

You could say my real name.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. What is it? You've been trapped. This was a setup.

[Jake Johnson]

So really nice.

[Mandy]

This gets back to Meemaw. Y'all are dead.

[Justin Long]

By the way, I agree. I. I'm afraid Meemaw from the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I know. I don't want it.

[Justin Long]

So. And then what's your last name? And I'm only saying that because I think it's going to make Meemaw. Make it feel more real. Say it again. Okay, so then Rob obviously knows he's not going to forget. He'll beep all that out. So now and then, just so we know the setup, because it'll change how we do it, will you tell us what you're going to say to Meemaw before you play this? This?

[Mandy]

I'm gonna be like, hey, Ne. I got this weird voicemail from. I guess it's the people at Amazon, and they said that they're putting a freeze on my account.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, dear.

[Mandy]

But listen to this.

[Justin Long]

Oh, okay. Okay, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you could just. And you can just play it right there on your phone.

[Mandy]

Yeah, I have it right here.

[Justin Long]

Okay. You ready? Do you want to start us?

[Jake Johnson]

I want to go from a nice voice, like a. Who would it be? Is that too soothing? Is that.

[Justin Long]

You think Justin's voice is going to work like this? You can give some direction.

[Jake Johnson]

We are calling from the Internet. The Internet Center. Yeah. Here in Palo Alto, California.

[Justin Long]

But you got it. Hold on. I can't be interrupting. We got to do it clean.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay. So how's that voice, Mandy?

[Justin Long]

You happy with that?

[Mandy]

That sounded professional. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two.

[Justin Long]

And let's try the whole thing under two minutes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Justin Long]

Okay, three.

[Jake Johnson]

Are you taking over at some point?

[Justin Long]

Sure. Okay, give it. Give me one of those and I'll start going.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Justin Long]

Three, two, one.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello, my name is Cliff Peterson. I'm calling from the Internet call center here in Palo Alto, California. Unfortunately, there's been activity on your account that seems suspicious to us. We advise a three to six month freeze.

[Justin Long]

Three to six months at a minimum. Because what we're talking about here is you got to stop using the Internet here. Yeah. Because your information has been leaked.

[Jake Johnson]

It is an issue that we are concerned enough to have made this call and we are hoping that none of it has gotten that way.

[Justin Long]

Well, yeah, but Cliff's calling you from headquarters. I'm calling you from knowledge. And I'm here to tell you your online purchases is seen everywhere.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. Hagen is our local representative on the ground where you are and he is alerted us here in Palo Alto. And we have decided that we need to make this phone call.

[Justin Long]

We got to make it nice and easy. Yeah. We got to start going to local plated. You want to buy a wig? Buy a wig. You want to buy a sandwich? Buy a sandwich. But you can't buy it online anymore. You can't be using Amazon. You can't be using his website. You can't go to target.com you go to Target.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. We advise. We advise in. In person purchases.

[Justin Long]

100 and. And everybody using your account. You're vulnerable.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. So we hope this didn't scare you. That was not our intention.

[Justin Long]

But I also hope that family is scared because your information could get stolen. Your money could get taken. You could end up with nothing.

[Jake Johnson]

That is true, Hagen. So we hope this message finds you well. And thank you so much for heeding our advice.

[Justin Long]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think was. Was we lost.

[Justin Long]

I. I'm feeling. Before you give yours.

[Jake Johnson]

I like your guy.

[Justin Long]

I like your guy. I think together it was a hell of a team.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Cuz you.

[Justin Long]

I'm feeling confident. It was the Internet call center New Orleans. But your vote's the only vote that matters. How are you feeling?

[Mandy]

I will say when Hagan came into the scene.

[Justin Long]

Yes.

[Mandy]

That I personally stopped believing, but I think it would make me more believe more.

[Justin Long]

That's why I did it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Because I was thinking this is really great, but this is some California stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

This is the call center. I'm just a memo from Norm.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You want you.

[Justin Long]

I want her to go, I'm not doing that anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you want. You want the real?

[Justin Long]

But we got both.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we got both.

[Justin Long]

So, Mandy, do you think this is something you would actually play? Do you think it's going to actually work?

[Mandy]

Yes. And I think that y'all have the information where you referenced buying a wig that will put her on even more alert that it's real. Like, oh, they know that we got the wig.

[Justin Long]

So I'm feeling very confident in the success. Will you please film Meemaw watching this?

[Jake Johnson]

Will you really do that? Because that would be the funniest.

[Justin Long]

And then keep filming her reaction after, like, what do you think, Mima? Because if she goes like, I'm not using the Internet anymore. We've won to such a degree. And if she says thank you to you, could you imagine the victory we're having here?

[Jake Johnson]

Mandy, the part of that video I'm most excited about is when Mima's face changes when your voice comes in. I want. I want to see how she processes Hagan.

[Justin Long]

So, Mandy, you've called in, and I got to tell you, this one was a little tricky, but I think we landed someplace. What? Pretty great. But I need to know from you, where you at here? What are you gonna do?

[Mandy]

I. I wasn't confident y'all were gonna be able to find a solution just because it is so nuanced, but I.

[Jake Johnson]

Think we nailed it.

[Mandy]

This was perfect.

[Justin Long]

You feel good? I feel really good, too. And I'll also say, just in terms of. If you ever call in another show like this, in terms of the setup, you don't have to mention the wig. Mandy just took us down a super weird road. You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm glad she did.

[Justin Long]

I'm glad you did too.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm getting a visual I would love how. Don't you want to see a picture of the wig and Meemaw wearing it? Has she worn it publicly?

[Mandy]

No, it was something that was opened, and then she asked for a return.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you had to go to. You had to go return, obviously, because you're her online shopper.

[Justin Long]

She just put it in a box and sent to the. She didn't go to the wig shop.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, she probably went to. To Whole Foods, right? Is that what you did, Mandy?

[Justin Long]

Oh, is that where you return?

[Mandy]

Yeah, I think she brought it to the FedEx, but I had to share the wig so that y'all saw how.

[Justin Long]

Much you were right.

[Mandy]

The demand were increasing.

[Justin Long]

I'm honest. I just said it to tease you, but I'm glad we got that piece of information. I just did it for the joke. But I'm glad.

[Jake Johnson]

But also to turn on the gentleman caller.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. I like your natural hair.

[Justin Long]

So we.

[Jake Johnson]

Mandy, we need you fluffing up yourself up.

[Justin Long]

We need you to follow up on this one, okay? This. This video is important. If it goes sideways, you got to film that too. And if we have to, we're going to bring Memon. And here's what we can do in case it goes sideways. We'll apologize.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we'll apologize.

[Mandy]

Okay.

[Justin Long]

And we'll say. Called you. She has no idea how podcasts work.

[Mandy]

Okay. I like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Like an old radio.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. She'll go, what's going on? We'll go. We found this out. We called her. We did it. We bullied her into it. We're the bad guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't say it's a podcast. Say it's a radio show.

[Justin Long]

It's a radio show.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't mean to be ageist, but we don't have to confuse what's a.

[Justin Long]

Radio show on the Internet. Yeah, it is what it is.

[Jake Johnson]

It's true.

[Justin Long]

Podcast. Fake word.

[Jake Johnson]

It's true.

[Justin Long]

Rob, what is podcast?

[Jake Johnson]

Podcast. I wonder where that came from.

[Justin Long]

It came from Apple. Yes. So please follow up, but we're not going to leave you on the hook on this one. If it goes south, we'll help you. If it's a big win, which is what I think it'll be, we all celebrate together. See you down in the islands.

[Mandy]

Thank you.

[Justin Long]

Bye, Mandy.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye, Mandy. Thank you.

[Mandy]

Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Dale, very much.

[Justin Long]

Can we get your name, please?

[Stone]

Hi, I'm Stone. Stone.

[Justin Long]

Hey, Stone Fury. Stone, have you ever seen Windy City Heat?

[Stone]

Yes. Windy City Heat. No, I have not.

[Justin Long]

I'd recommend it with a name like Stone.

[Jake Johnson]

Stone, that. Stone's voice is the kind of thing that I needed for my. My caller from the Internet.

[Justin Long]

The previous one. Yeah. Hey, Stone, could you say you're here working for the Internet and it's broken. Could we just audition your voice for that?

[Stone]

Hi, this is Stone. I'm here working for the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh my God. I. I want to re.

[Justin Long]

By the way, it's actually really perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

I want to re record my. Mine. Hi, this is Stone. Cuz it's got to be a slightly more.

[Justin Long]

This is insane. But we might want to send Rob.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Her a second option. Stone, can you really quickly say, hey, my name is Stone. I work for the Internet. Mima.

[Jake Johnson]

No, Mandy.

[Justin Long]

Your account has. Yeah. Or just if you can get them. Remember, your account has been compromised. You need to stop online purchases immediately. We know about the wig. We know about your purchases. Can you try that?

[Jake Johnson]

Or some version of that in your own words?

[Justin Long]

Don't be word perfect. But it's just the voice.

[Jake Johnson]

What you are. Stone, you are calling. You are from the Internet.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. Oh, you know what? We'll make this a follow up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Stone.

[Justin Long]

Because then we'll play both. This is a follow up, Stone, we are following up to make sure you seriously take this message seriously.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a good follow up.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. Voice, Go ahead.

[Stone]

Hello, this is Stone from the Internet. I'm calling you today because you have purchased too many wigs online and need to stop purchasing online wigs.

[Jake Johnson]

It doesn't get better than that. Honest to God. But that's incredible.

[Justin Long]

Really good work.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like he is the.

[Justin Long]

I got. If I got that call, I'm not buying anything on the Internet.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not going anywhere near, I'm afraid.

[Justin Long]

And then I'm going, stone, have you seen my Google, my history? Cuz guess what? A guy looking like me broke in and looked at that stuff last night. I hate that stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

And he. He left a dildo by my bed.

[Justin Long]

Stone, where are you calling from?

[Stone]

I'm calling from Stanton, Virginia.

[Justin Long]

Virginia, first of all, you got a voice like an angel.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. What a voice.

[Justin Long]

And how old are you, ston, Stone?

[Stone]

I'm 28. I'm pretty sure.

[Justin Long]

Just a young guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow. Wow. You have a. It's very. Is the word stentorian?

[Justin Long]

I've never heard that word in my life. So. Yes. I don't think anybody in the last 40 years have heard that. That word. So, Stone, Virginia, 28, what can we do for you?

[Jake Johnson]

My mom used a word with me the other day. She goes, I miss having badinage with you. And I to look it up. And it's just like kind of playful band.

[Justin Long]

Fun.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Fun word. Sorry, Stone.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, my mom had said the same thing. You know, Jake, I really miss having botinage with you. And I go, yeah, me too, Ma. All right. It's like shooting the AT. Stone, 28. Virginia, we're having some botinage with you. What can we do?

[Stone]

Yeah, so my friends think I have a foot fetish, but I most definitely do not have a foot fetish.

[Justin Long]

Okay, thanks for the call, my man. We'll talk to you really soon. Okay. Your friends think you have a foot fetish, but you don't have a foot.

[Jake Johnson]

Definitely don't. I'm. I'm under. Do you mind if I underline? You definitely don't okay, so then we.

[Justin Long]

Need a little bit more help on the setup here, then.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Why do they think that?

[Justin Long]

Because I on my wallets covered of pictures of feet, I only masturbate the feet. And the only thing that turns me on or gets me up in life is feet.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but fetish is an ugly word.

[Justin Long]

What does fetish mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, is that, like, badinage?

[Justin Long]

So, Stone, first, let's start. And type first a. Why do they think you have a foot fetish?

[Stone]

Well, when I was in Vegas, I started this joke where, I don't know, we were competitively drinking and doing, like, a drinking game. And, like, I lost the drinking game, so I had to drink this, like, nasty thing. And then I went to the bathroom and I threw up. And then when I came out, no one asked me questions. So then I made the joke. Hey, guys, I'm so glad I didn't throw up in there, because I definitely did not throw up in there. And they were like, did you throw up in there? I was like, no. No. So that became a joke. And then we played a different drinking game called Cheers to the Governor, where you have to make rules as you count to 21.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, we did something like that. We used to call it asshole.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, we called it asshole, but it rolls to the governor. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's what they call it now?

[Stone]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Or close, but keep going. Yeah.

[Stone]

Well, I made a rule. I was drunk. I just thrown up.

[Jake Johnson]

You continued playing, like, a number.

[Stone]

We had to, like. Like, kiss, like, someone's foot or whatever.

[Justin Long]

That was your rule?

[Stone]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

What made you get there? Snow.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Stone]

What the hell?

[Justin Long]

Yeah, that's what I would be thinking. What made you get there, Stone?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm. I'm trying to put myself in a position. As one of your friends, I would ask.

[Justin Long]

I'm trying to put myself in your position here, Stone. Yeah, we're all really drunk. A bunch of guys in Vegas. I go, if you hit 15, I gotta. We gotta kiss each other's feet. How come, Stone?

[Jake Johnson]

And then try not to get hard.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, exact. Let's see who gets the hardest when we suck each other's toes. I'm just trying to get to. We're with you, Stone, but we just need the honesty here.

[Stone]

Oh, I gotcha.

[Justin Long]

So what. Where did we get. We're drinking. I. I think the barf thing. I get it. You're doing the reverse. I didn't puke. You puked. I get the bit. We're playing along. We're Having fun. You keep drinking. Your thing is, is if you hit a 15 in the game, you got to chug this and kiss one of these guys feet. That was the pitch. And that was just. You're thinking, like, gross out.

[Stone]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, ew. What the. Like, don't do that.

[Justin Long]

And I was like, you say, please. What did you go when they said Ill go, oh, please, just once.

[Jake Johnson]

Come on, Come on. It'll be really funny.

[Justin Long]

Just try. Especially you and me, Mike.

[Stone]

They were like, you have a foot fetish. I'm like, no, no, I definitely don't have a foot.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, but you were established that joke. Okay, okay, so then.

[Stone]

Exactly.

[Justin Long]

Now I. Okay, so you did the meme.

[Stone]

And now, like, people are actually, like, editing photos that I've been in. It's like pictures of me, like, eating feet and.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, now I think there's a picture. Okay, now I get it.

[Justin Long]

Now you can't get out of it.

[Stone]

Oh, you see the picture?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You know, I. First of all, this is a great. This is great. I think I like that you have a bucket. There's a pail. It's like a kid's bucket. What's wrong with the.

[Justin Long]

I know, but he doesn't have a foot fetish.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Justin Long]

There's nothing wrong with it. Nobody's here is judging it.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm saying, even the joke, it's like kind of a funny. It's bringing your friends together, I'm sure.

[Justin Long]

I know.

[Jake Johnson]

You sound like a guy that can laugh.

[Justin Long]

Oh, yeah. I know. Stone has a sense of hum.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah. And.

[Justin Long]

And Stone, it's very clear. And that's why we've been teasing you a little bit, that you're. You have a sense of humor. But.

[Jake Johnson]

But I know you don't have a foot. Don't have a foot fetish. So God forbid you meet somebody and you spread and it spreads, and it's like people. People are, you know, where there's smoke, where there's. There's fire.

[Justin Long]

A lot of times there is. Which brings me to my question.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Can we go back to that moment in Vegas? Stone?

[Stone]

Yeah, I'm back.

[Justin Long]

You barely. You're feeling better. You got a couple more drinks in you. It's your turn to make the rule.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Stone]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

What was your hope?

[Stone]

Well, there's more history, I guess.

[Justin Long]

Go ahead.

[Stone]

Because I was in a. A physically unfulfilling relationship at the time.

[Justin Long]

That doesn't help where I'm going with this. My man. I think that hurts your case.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

You're now talking about being sexually frustrated. Yeah.

[Stone]

Yes.

[Justin Long]

And you're with a bunch of your boys in Vegas and pushing for.

[Stone]

Not just boys. Boys.

[Justin Long]

Oh, and ladies.

[Stone]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Oh.

[Stone]

So you want what happens nowadays, Jake.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. By the way, I'm a pile of ashes. I'm humiliated. You've killed me. You're totally in the right. I'm about 140 right now, and I feel like I. In black and white. You burned me. Nice job. You got me. So here's my question, Stone. Now, let's just talk honest. When you said. Because I've done this bit when you're all drunk and you also kind of want something to happen.

[Jake Johnson]

This. Sometimes it. Something just slips.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. But also, was there somebody there whose feet you wanted to kiss?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I mean, that's too long a pause.

[Justin Long]

I agree. Stone.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[Stone]

There wasn't someone specific. But. But you wanted to get closer.

[Justin Long]

Hold on, Stone.

[Stone]

Some. I. I guess I wanted some intimacy in like a.

[Justin Long]

You're the best.

[Stone]

Like a. Like a subtle way. I don't know. You know what I mean?

[Justin Long]

I do. I know exactly what you mean. But we went specifically to feet.

[Jake Johnson]

My man in his head at this point because. And he's thinking the opposite of a foot fetish guy. Which is. What's more innocent? What's the most innocent part of the body?

[Justin Long]

Oh, I'm getting.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a foot. It's like. Who thinks of that sexually except for a foot fetish?

[Justin Long]

That's like saying. But here's the equivalent. St. If he's the opposite of. If you're like. I'm going through a bit of a lonely period. I was with my friends. I was drunk, and I said, whoever loses somebody has to fart in their face. You'd go, why? And you go, I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

I was a lonely, lonesome part.

[Justin Long]

Oh. I wanted somebody to sit on my face. And you go like, Stone. Stone.

[Jake Johnson]

Farting.

[Justin Long]

But.

[Jake Johnson]

But. But farting. That would be if that. If that feed and version Vegas feet. But it's kissing feet. So he wants to.

[Justin Long]

But you got to take the socks off. It's about 100 degrees, and you're walking around casinos.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there a chance you're gonna land on. Yeah, there's a chance you're gonna land on somebody else's foot. That's not the person you want to be.

[Justin Long]

He was pretty open.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Did you. Stone. And there's not one person in this room judging. Yeah. Was the thought of it that. And we're gonna get to how we fix this problem, but I just don't think. We're just not there yet. My man. Man, you got a foot fetish.

[Stone]

No, I do not.

[Justin Long]

You ever. You ever done the dirty by yourself? Thinking about feet one time. You ever googled sexy feet? Never.

[Stone]

Never.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Stone]

And like, yeah, when I am like, you know, doing the deed or whatever, like they're at play, but they're not like the main course. You know, it's like.

[Jake Johnson]

You had me and you.

[Justin Long]

I was same.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I'm same.

[Justin Long]

You keep having me and then you lose me.

[Jake Johnson]

And then you veered into the fast lane.

[Justin Long]

Stone, you have a foot thing, dude.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it comes in. At what point does two feet come into play?

[Justin Long]

Never.

[Stone]

But it's not like, it's not like I like, see someone's feet and I'm like, whoa, boner. It's like, no, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, I know, but I. I think there are degrees of foot fetishness.

[Justin Long]

I have a question for you, Justin.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

If you're doing. This is. This is for Justin Long.

[Jake Johnson]

Now, for a second, I'm going to be very honest.

[Stone]

That's Justin. Oh my God.

[Justin Long]

Oh my God. Stone, we started so fast. I never introduced Justin Long.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, Stone. I heard that compliment. That's really nice of you.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. This is just my bad that I got so excited about your voice.

[Jake Johnson]

I've never. Well, wait, no. What were you going to ask Jay?

[Justin Long]

Cuz I think when you are doing the deed.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Are feet part of it? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Feet.

[Justin Long]

Wait, no, not you, Stone. We know, Stone. We know your answer. So stop.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, yes, I'm riding on yourself.

[Justin Long]

We know where you're going. I'm just trying to get engaged of a different person.

[Jake Johnson]

That is one of the fetish. Because I know it's a. It's a fetish that people often talk about. In fact, when they think about like, oh, a sexual fetish, they go to foot fetish.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That's one I. I have no connection with.

[Justin Long]

I don't got it at the same feet.

[Jake Johnson]

Not that they're. I guess I'm just not crazy about my own feet. I don't want anyone near my feet.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, like, in a way that is. I don't. I concentrated sexually on my feet.

[Justin Long]

We're talking about. You're looking at an Internet video.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, feet don't go into play.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. Stone, when you're looking at an Internet video and there's a couple people in bed or part of you, like, oh, look at that.

[Jake Johnson]

Part of the body.

[Justin Long]

Look at that Ooh, look at the.

[Jake Johnson]

Feet all the way to the. I mean.

[Stone]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess at, like, if it was a spectrum or whatever.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Stone]

Yeah, I guess feet would be at, like, a. A two or a three or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Out of. Out of. Out of.

[Justin Long]

Out of five.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Out of ten. Okay. Two or three out of ten. To me, feet are an easy one.

[Stone]

But there's other things I'm way more attracted to.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, Setting up zero is an option.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Stone]

Zero people have ass fetishes. Like.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. Well. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

So look, Stone, we're not. Nobody is saying your only fetish is foot.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You don't go right for the foot.

[Stone]

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

[Justin Long]

You're right. But you. And nobody's saying. Saying, hey, the stone like butts. But I don't know. They're saying Stone's also got a thing with feet. And what you're saying, Stone, is, I do, but it's getting blown out of people.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. I don't think it qualifies.

[Justin Long]

But you also don't want another meme where you're holding on to some random butt with that face you're making their stone. Because.

[Stone]

I think I like that better.

[Justin Long]

So I think what it is, is you do have a foot fetish, but the group is taking it too far. Far. You're not, like, a foot weirdo. Yeah.

[Stone]

I mean, like, no one else jokes about, like, other people's sexual things, you know?

[Justin Long]

Yeah. But nobody else in the game tries to bring their sexual thing into the group in Vegas. Or did they?

[Stone]

Oh. I mean, some people are, like, hooked up in Vegas, so.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Huh.

[Justin Long]

So give me. Let me help you. Because now we've dug in pretty deep. But the premise of this is we're on your sidestone. And not only just the premise, the truth is, I feel like I'm on your side.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, for sure.

[Justin Long]

So we're gonna pitch, and it's just the truth. So we're gonna pitch on this, but give us a. You're a funny guy. What kind of zone do you want here? I don't know.

[Stone]

Maybe give us comeuppance. Some of my friends or maybe even I get that. Like, start a better meme, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

So when he said meme, I was like, well, it's not literally a meme, is it? And then it is.

[Justin Long]

But it's a way to. It's a way to say, then, yeah, you have a foot fetish. But also, everyone's got to chill out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I know. What's the big deal? And it's not a fetish. It's a fet. What's a. What's a lesser word for than fetish? It's a foot appreciation.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. Or what if we. What if we did something of. Yeah, I'm into. I'm into feet sexually, but out of 10, it's only like three.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm into other body parts.

[Justin Long]

Way more like butt would be. Wait, hold on. I got. Okay, let's do this. Yeah, out of 10.

[Jake Johnson]

Out of 10.

[Justin Long]

So you got a 10 count, Stone, and like, like slices of a pie. You can't go past 10. You get 10 slices. Okay, how many sl. We are going to say three slices are feet. So you have seven remainder. And we can change this if it's just that.

[Jake Johnson]

If it's just that he might want to change.

[Justin Long]

Okay, hold on. All right, so then out of 10, tell me what a What. What butts are.

[Stone]

Butts. I feel like that's the sauce. It's like. Yeah, it's like.

[Justin Long]

I don't know.

[Stone]

I guess six. Five slices.

[Justin Long]

Okay, five slices. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Butt slices.

[Justin Long]

What are breasts?

[Stone]

Breasts.

[Justin Long]

If you say that's the sauce again, I'm going to fall out of my chair laughing. If everything is the sauce and everything is fine. 5. I'm gonna. I'm gonna explode.

[Jake Johnson]

Sauce right there.

[Justin Long]

That's about feet. If you go, damn, those are the sauce right there. Stone, we're hanging up the call.

[Stone]

No, feet would be like a garlic topping or something. I don't know. Would be like something extra.

[Justin Long]

I understand.

[Jake Johnson]

I like how. I like how he.

[Justin Long]

And I'm starting to. By the way, sadly, I think I.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a garlic.

[Justin Long]

I don't think you're off. So. So you're talking about. We're talking about. Butts are five.

[Jake Johnson]

It's equally pungent.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, we're talking about. Breasts are. Where are we going with breasts?

[Jake Johnson]

Breasts? Yeah, breasts.

[Stone]

I don't know. I like my metaphor better. I'm sorry, Jake. But yeah, breasts are like the crust. I feel like.

[Justin Long]

Okay, but out of 10, how many slices, frog. Out of 10, we got 10 slices of pie.

[Stone]

Yeah, I mean, like three. Three and a half.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Okay, so.

[Jake Johnson]

So we're left with one and a half.

[Justin Long]

And so what do you. What do you think about feet?

[Jake Johnson]

Remember, you got mat. We got mouth. We have.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. And we can keep adjusting this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Stone]

I guess, like. Like a point two. Five, I guess. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Justin Long]

You might not have a foot. Fetch. Okay. And then what about face? Oh, wow, that's.

[Stone]

Oh, God. I didn't Even consider the face.

[Justin Long]

What's that? I know, but this is what we're gonna do. We might just send this. Here's what we're gonna do for the meme is we're gonna do a big slice of pizza and send this to your friends. You want to know the truth? Here's the truth. It's gonna be what you really feel, and then it's gonna go to about. If you call that a foot fetish, you're an idiot. So. Okay.

[Stone]

Okay. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

So we just.

[Stone]

1.5 face, and then that'll be it. That'll be the order.

[Justin Long]

That's not 10, though.

[Stone]

Oh.

[Justin Long]

So so far we have. We have 5 for butt, 3 for breasts, 1.5 for face, 0.25 for feet. So how have 8, 9, and a half. We have another 0.

[Jake Johnson]

25.

[Justin Long]

What's the last 0?

[Stone]

25.25 equal to feet.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm excited.

[Stone]

Let's go. So we have to add another category, right?

[Jake Johnson]

No. Well, no, just another body part.

[Justin Long]

Stomach.

[Mandy]

Okay.

[Justin Long]

Fingers. Armpits.

[Jake Johnson]

Armpits, Nice.

[Stone]

I guess.

[Justin Long]

How about. What about stomach?

[Stone]

Hair.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Justin Long]

Hair is what, 0.25. 0.25. Okay, so now I'm gonna read this back to you, and I want the truth, because we can adjust from top to bottom.

[Jake Johnson]

He likes.

[Stone]

All right, great, great.

[Justin Long]

So when you are thinking about what turns you on, Stone, and what you like in a sexual partner, five slices out of 10 slices, it's their butt. Shakespeare. Can you mind if I say butt cheeks?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Thank you. Stone.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Justin's. Justin's childish, but, Stone, you and I, it is what it is. You're not talking about, like, the underneath hanging. So you're talking about the butt cheeks.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think he's talking about everything. Stone, you don't want to, like, the whole butt, right?

[Justin Long]

We're not talking about the whole. We're just.

[Stone]

It's okay. It's semantics.

[Justin Long]

I agree. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's not lost in the underneath hanging part.

[Justin Long]

Just like, underneath the butt. Those, like, little levels.

[Jake Johnson]

Butt levels.

[Justin Long]

28 years old.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he's just. Underneath.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, he's just thinking about slapping cheeks.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I don't want to put words in his mouth like he likes to put feet in his mouth.

[Justin Long]

Look at that face. That guy is just thinking about the cheeks.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not just cheeks. He likes it all.

[Justin Long]

He likes it all. Okay, so then three out of 10, you're like, I'm very interested in the breasts.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Is that correct? Right? No, just three.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, three. Okay.

[Stone]

Shockingly low big breasts and Butts, four. Because I. I feel bad.

[Justin Long]

Oh, breasts are four.

[Stone]

I feel like I'm. I'm like down the middle. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Okay, so this is interesting. So that's taking me in a direction that I'm going to be shocked on the next one. Your partner's face is now less than 1.5. So now we're talking five sexually. Well, I talk about being in bed with somebody, Stone.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. The mouth is the gateway you're talking about.

[Justin Long]

The face is a 0.5. It's so close to the feet.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so close.

[Stone]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Face and feet are this close.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta give it a slice. Don't. Did you end up being intimate with the. With the person that you were hoping.

[Justin Long]

No, they all teased him that night.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Stone]

No, no, no. But this year I went. Went and I was attracted to somebody, but. And then I broke up with my girlfriend. But then.

[Justin Long]

Yeah, okay.

[Jake Johnson]

The one that the chemistry wasn't there.

[Stone]

Yes, exactly.

[Justin Long]

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. Okay, Stunt. I would love to turn this into. Dr. Morgan, we have a job here. So are you willing to. Are you willing to minus five on butts and go to four?

[Stone]

Yes. So, okay, give it to face.

[Justin Long]

So let's do face. Yeah, give it. So four butts, four breaths, take a.

[Jake Johnson]

Slice from butts and give it a face.

[Justin Long]

Now a full one, which is so low, brother, for face. And so now you've got. Oh, let's do. So we can do. How about 1.5 for face?

[Stone]

All right. Yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

And then that's moral. No, Stone, Stone, I want the truth, my man. I'm just your lawyer, but what I want is the truth. I can't represent you without the facts.

[Jake Johnson]

I. I think.

[Justin Long]

I just think that can't be true, that feet and face are the same. I can't believe that to be true. But maybe it's is.

[Stone]

Okay? It's not. It's not true. It's not true.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

No, but when you go to Vegas and you see a girl's face, are you thinking like, yeah, let me see her feet. Say.

[Jake Johnson]

She covering up her feet.

[Justin Long]

Yeah.

[Stone]

Okay, so, all right, here's what we're going to do. You're going to 0.5 off of both butts and boobs and put that on the face.

[Justin Long]

Okay? So that's going to be 3.5 for each of those. Yeah. And then we are going to get to 2.5 on the face. Okay, so now I think this. By the way, I'm feeling good about this if you are. So here's what we got now, but 3.5 breasts, 3.5 face, 2.5. Nice hair, 0.25ft, 0.25. If you say, I have a foot fetish, you're an idiot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's it.

[Stone]

Boom, lawyered lawyer.

[Jake Johnson]

And then we end it with boom, lawyers.

[Justin Long]

And the topic is Stone's sexual tastes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I can't believe you even want to know.

[Justin Long]

Stone's fetishes.

[Jake Johnson]

Stone's fetishes.

[Justin Long]

What do you think of that, Stone?

[Jake Johnson]

I can't believe you even care, you weirdos. You're my friends.

[Justin Long]

But because you do care.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And it's that picture in the background.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

But maybe his instead of the feet, he's holding the chart.

[Jake Johnson]

But a butt and a. And a boob instead of feet.

[Justin Long]

Or the. Or the middle of it is just the charge chart.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, it's. Yeah, yeah. Yes. Oh, I see.

[Justin Long]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

With his hands. That's perfect.

[Justin Long]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

It looks like he's holding a chart.

[Justin Long]

And so he's. He's holding the chart.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

Hey, hey, Rob, do you know how to do that? If he sends the original photo, can you get the. Could you send the. Can we get the original photo and then we can send that back to you?

[Jake Johnson]

Stones.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, totally.

[Jake Johnson]

Sexual fetish pictures. Pie.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. And I like that. And Stone, how do you feel about that as a rebuttal to try to change the vibe of this foot fetish that they try to have because you don't have a foot.

[Jake Johnson]

He did request comeuppance. Is there not enough comeuppance in that?

[Justin Long]

You tell us, Stone. You happy with this?

[Stone]

I'm.

[Justin Long]

I'm.

[Stone]

I'm so happy.

[Justin Long]

So then tell us this, Stone, because we're guys who obviously love follow ups and we're producing an Internet radio show. What can we do for our show? How can we get their reaction? Is that going to be on an email chain? You send them and then you'll just send a screen grabs of people's reactions. Or do you want us. Or, or, you know, you could do. You could say, if you have any reactions, please leave them as voice notes.

[Jake Johnson]

Or how about this? How about this? You know, we could do what? He could post it on his Instagram or Facebook and then we could have a reading of the comments.

[Justin Long]

That's a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

And, and some of them will probably be pretty.

[Justin Long]

And would you be okay if we posted it on our social medias?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Justin Long]

Okay.

[Stone]

And I posted on my Discord because that's where all my Friends kind of congregate.

[Justin Long]

Is that you're going to tell me how old I am again? Hey, man, I can't believe girls and guys were hanging in Vegas. What the hell is Discord?

[Jake Johnson]

Do you mind if I toss it up on my platypus like I've never heard of Discord?

[Justin Long]

You can type it out in that fake website all you want, my man. It doesn't exist. All right, sweet Stone, you're a winner. Thank you for call. Please follow up with us.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I can't wait to see you're the.

[Justin Long]

And thanks for taking that the pie chart seriously. I think we got a good picture. And I will say this now, as a guy couple decades older than you, you do not have a foot fetish.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Justin Long]

Are you a little weird with feet? Yeah. 025 out of 10.

[Jake Johnson]

Whatever. It's a body part.

[Justin Long]

Yeah. But out of 10, 25. Yeah. So if somebody goes, you have a foot fetish, you go like this, I guess. No. 25.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Justin Long]

And they'll go, what does that mean? You go, look at the meme, you dork. And they'll be humble.

[Stone]

Thanks, guys.

[Justin Long]

Thanks, Don.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Stone]

You guys are the freaking best.

[Justin Long]

You're the best, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi, everybody. Producer Jesse here.

[Justin Long]

If you want to see the memes.

[Jake Johnson]

From this episode, go to heretohelpod.com or.

[Justin Long]

Check out our Instagram at heretohelpod to see these gems. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPodmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelpod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Stone]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston.

[Justin Long]

Editing, mix and master by Chris theme.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Mandy]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 12th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hey, I'm Wayne Brady.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Jonathan Mangum.

[G]

And we're two big improv nerds who get a chance to play and make stuff up on shows like Whose Line Is It Anyway? Or let's Make a Deal.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're now hosting a new improvised show called what if on the Headgum Podcast Network.

[G]

And on what if we believe that improvisation is a conversation. So we get to have conversations with guests from the worlds of tv, film, tech and literature. Guests like Bobby Moynihan, Aisha Tyler, Levar Burton and Adam Conover. We asked them the big ridiculous questions like what if you heard of monkey's feelings?

[Justin Long]

What if your grandma was a secret agent?

[G]

What if Jonathan was invited to the cookout? I'm not. And then we turn the conversation into spontaneous scenes, songs. Well, because that's what we do.

[Justin Long]

Subscribe to what if on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Cast, wherever you get your podcasts and watch episodes on YouTube.

[G]

No script, no net, just what if.