169: A Horse in a Dog's Body & So Much Utah (with Chloe Fineman)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help
Episode 169: A Horse in a Dog's Body & So Much Utah (with Chloe Fineman)
Release Date: May 7, 2025

Hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, Episode 169 of "We're Here to Help" features special guest Chloe Fineman, bringing her unique comedic insight to tackle listeners' dilemmas ranging from troublesome neighbors to overzealous public displays of affection.

---

1. Introduction and Guest Appearance (00:00 - 11:10)

The episode kicks off with Jake and Gareth engaging in their signature banter, briefly mentioning the new McCrispy Strip and conducting an audience survey to better understand their listeners. Shortly after, Chloe Fineman joins the conversation, introducing herself and setting the stage for her role in the episode.

Notable Quote:

• Jake Johnson: "She just didn't know that was her skill set. Really?" [10:42]

---

2. First Listener Call: Rusty's Backyard Dilemma (17:08 - 46:37)

Caller Profile:

• Name: Rusty (Zach)
• Location: Indianapolis
• Age: 25
• Issue: Rusty and his girlfriend recently purchased their first home. They’ve encountered an issue where a neighbor's large dog frequently enters their fenced backyard, defecating without cleaning up. Despite having a Shiba Inu, Rusty's puppy, the neighbor's larger dog causes inconvenience and mess.

Discussion Points:

• Identifying the Problem: Rusty explains the recurring invasion by the neighbor's dog, highlighting the frustration of dealing with unattended pet waste.

• Advice and Solutions:

  • Chloe Fineman's Suggestions:

    • Fart Machine: "Like a machine that emits a loud alarming sound." [27:38]
    • Scarecrow Idea: "Create something in the yard that scares the doodle." [30:27]
    • Surveillance Enhancements: Installing sensor lights or floodlights to deter the dog during typical visiting hours.

  • Jake and Gareth's Additional Pitches:

    • Karma-Based Approach: "Pick up one of the doodles, big shits, rub it all over the handle of the fence." [40:10]
    • Whistle Strategy: "Have whistles on the gate that make noise when accessed." [66:07]

Notable Quotes:

• Chloe Fineman: "I like a horn. Like, if you could like a fart Machine or something." [27:38]
• Jake Johnson: "You don't want to piss off the neighborhood before you get in there on the up and up." [32:00]
• Rusty (Zach): "I'm thinking, you know, maybe bag them all up, all the poop, put it at the gate." [42:38]

Conclusion: Rusty decides to implement a combination of Chloe's spray bottle suggestion and Jake's fart machine idea, aiming to make the backyard less inviting for the neighbor's dog without appearing confrontational to maintain neighborhood harmony.

---

3. Second Listener Call: Zach's Sister's Over-the-Top PDA (52:07 - 68:21)

Caller Profile:

• Name: Rusty Scram (Zach)
• Location: Utah
• Age: Upper Mid-20s
• Issue: Zach is frustrated with his sister Mackenzie's excessive public displays of affection (PDA) with her boyfriend, whom the family finds overbearing and somewhat inappropriate.

Discussion Points:

• Describing the Issue: Zach recounts instances where his sister and her boyfriend engage in intimate behavior in front of the family, making others uncomfortable.

• Advice and Solutions:

  • Chloe Fineman's Suggestions:

    • Spray Bottle Intervention: "If they kiss, I'd squirt them." [57:02]
    • Loud Porn Music: Play exaggerated, awkward music to disrupt their PDA moments.

  • Jake and Gareth's Additional Pitches:

    • Signs and Visual Cues: Posting signs that humorously chastise the behavior, such as "Caught you, bitch."
    • Whistle Strategy Revisited: Implementing whistles to interrupt intimate moments.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson: "How would you break it up?" [53:38]
• Chloe Fineman: "I would just do it. If they kiss, I'd squirt them." [57:02]
• Zach: "Sometimes, like, literally at Christmas, they, like, went under a blanket in the middle of the living room." [56:07]

Conclusion: Zach gravitates towards the spray bottle tactic, valuing its simplicity and effectiveness without escalating tensions. The hosts encourage Zach to assertively communicate his discomfort to his sister and consider setting boundaries to manage her PDA.

---

4. Additional Segments and Interactions (11:10 - 52:07; 68:21 - 70:33)

The episode weaves in humorous interactions among the hosts and Chloe Fineman, including anecdotes about pets, personal experiences with technology mishaps, and light-hearted advice unrelated to caller problems. Notably, Chloe shares stories from her own life that mirror the callers' issues, adding depth and relatability to the discussions.

Notable Quotes:

• Chloe Fineman: "It's like a horse in a dog's body. God, that's horrible." [26:08]
• Jake Johnson: "Don't say I was gonna make him go." [09:38]
• Gareth Reynolds: "I worry, per Zach's earlier point, that we're trying to keep our reputation in the neighborhood before we get in there on the up and up." [31:53]

Sponsor Segments: Throughout the episode, Jake and Gareth intermittently promote sponsors like Skylight Calendars and Angry Orchard, integrating these mentions seamlessly into their conversations.

---

5. Closing Remarks and Future Announcements (70:07 - 70:33)

As the episode wraps up, Jake and Gareth introduce their new podcast, "Extraordinarians," teasing upcoming interviews with remarkable individuals. They encourage listeners to subscribe and stay tuned for future content.

Notable Quote:

• Jake Johnson: "Things that we have never and probably will never do. We talked to people who have broken records on slack lines..." [69:25]

---

Overall Insights:

• The episode effectively balances comedic elements with genuine advice, leveraging Chloe Fineman’s humor to address serious listener issues.
• Solutions range from practical to creative, emphasizing maintaining interpersonal relationships while setting boundaries.
• The hosts’ chemistry and interaction with their guest enrich the listening experience, making complex problems approachable and entertaining.

Final Thoughts: For listeners facing similar challenges—be it dealing with invasive neighbors or managing family dynamics—Episode 169 offers a blend of humor and actionable advice, all delivered with the hosts' characteristic wit and the added flair of Chloe Fineman's comedic expertise.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

The new McCrispy strip is here. Dip approved by Ketchup, Tangy barbecue, Honey mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, double dipped in buffalo and Ranch, More ranch and creamy chili. McCrispy Strip Dip now at McDonald's. Calling all ones and twos. We're conducting an audience survey at Gumgum fm, hereto help, and we would love to hear from you so we can keep making content that you love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know this, we know this. There are ads on our podcast. We want to improve that experience. But in order to do this, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is a quick, easy, and free way to support the podcast. Take you two minutes, and you'll be helping us out so much by doing it.

[Jake Johnson]

So go to Gumgum FM hereto help to fill out our audience survey that's G U M F m. Here to help. Introducing Instagram teen accounts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A new way to keep your teen safer as they grow. Like making sure they always have their seat belt on.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, buckle up.

[Chloe Feynman]

Good job.

[Jake Johnson]

New Instagram teen accounts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Automatic protections for who can contact your.

[Jake Johnson]

Teen and the content they can see. And we are back. Ah. Kevin was doing some ASMR for Gareth, and he was going nuts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, first of all, wrong. But second of all, Gareth was loving it. Yeah, see, your ASMR is not, like, enticing. It's hostagey.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna do things to you, and you're gonna be afraid of me. Do you understand? I'm gonna eat Cheetos on your bed. And.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, see, you're. You're conflating your Cheetos sauce. It's. It's a powder. But you're conflated jail.

[Jake Johnson]

Because you also.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Doesn't make any sense, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, weird burritos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just saw your chat message.

[Jake Johnson]

You want to read what we were doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you're basically. Your messages were in this order. I can hear myself. And I hear you. And then I started saying, we need our parents here. That would be which, by the way, I. Not attack.

[Jake Johnson]

Say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not attack.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob, before we get into this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Like this. Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean it seriously. I know, but you mean it seriously, because you said.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you said, we don't need parents, and then you said, we're nearly 50. Now you can get into your outrage.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I'm outraged, Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

What is your thing with needing parents? We're so old. We're parents.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a parent. So what are you. I made a very. No. What are you talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

The cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm a cat dad. But that's different. That's like. That's different. That's like. That's a. That's a cutie move. You're like a hardcore parent. You're raising. You're raising two actual human beings. And I love. I mean. I mean, technical parents. We need technical parents.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, is that. See, that's a different thing. But why?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the guy who muted your mic, and for 20 minutes we couldn't figure out what it was. No, let me finish. Because you got hot right away. You got hotter than you on the mic. We. We spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what the problem was, and you had just. On the mic, hit the mute button.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So we don't need parents. We need producers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You need parents. I need producers. You need parents.

[Jake Johnson]

Why do you go. Of all things to go to, why parents?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it feel. I feel childish. When we're sitting here in a world of tech going, like, who do you think is better?

[Jake Johnson]

Your parents. Could you imagine Pam trying to figure this out?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I'm Pam. Pam exists so that I feel like Steve Jobs. It is a constant.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't you say one bad thing about the woman of my dreams. Can I tell you something? I'm doing that. I wasn't gonna tell you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, don't tell me anything you're doing. Yeah, I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, take it to the grave, dude, because I know exactly where it was going.

[Jake Johnson]

It ain't gonna be the grave.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, do you think. Do you understand? I could very easily do this about your. Oh, Jake. I'm gonna give it to your mom. Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I would be happy for both of you guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cool.

[Jake Johnson]

She hasn't smoked coals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She did.

[Jake Johnson]

She didn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did she smoke?

[Jake Johnson]

Weird pole cools. Did she smoke? Of all. Yeah, of all the cigarettes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you steal her cigarettes growing up?

[Jake Johnson]

No, I stole my dad's. Did you steal Pam's?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I stole. Eventually, I stole Pam's. And then, honestly, this is how weird my life got. Pam stole mine.

[Jake Johnson]

She stole yours?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. When I was like.

[Jake Johnson]

Was Pam kind of the party mom?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's a long story, but I sort of. Because of what happened with my parents, and that sent her into a bit of a. Her own little spiral.

[Jake Johnson]

Mom and dad split. You were 12?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was 14. And I just. I was. I was on the ramp, the game for a split. By the way, I was on the rampage early. I was 14. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

When they say it's not your fault, it was a bit of your fault.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was totally my fault. I take full responsibility.

[Jake Johnson]

Honestly, what percentage do you really think it was your fault?

[Gareth Reynolds]

None.

[Jake Johnson]

That's. That's. See, you've gone to too much therapy and you've been loved too much. It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shout out, Alma.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. Shout out, Alma. Shout out to. By the way, when parents say it's not the kids fault at all, they're sugarcoating. It's a little bit their fault.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you complicate it.

[Jake Johnson]

You especially. My parents divorced. Guess how old I was?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eight.

[Jake Johnson]

Two and a half. It only took two and a half years. No, for the. My dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the way to do it.

[Jake Johnson]

Can't do it with this one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the way to do it.

[Jake Johnson]

I can do it with the first two, not with him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's the way to do it. So you blame yourself too much. Yeah, you're the opposite.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, I'm self coddle. Slice of the pies. Let's say there's 100 slices. What percentage do you think it's your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What pie has 100 slices to it? Event Stop. It's a quiche if anything. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Slice of the quiche, baby. Okay, all right, fine. We'll say 10 slices of pizza.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Well done.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. How many slices are your. Are you. I want a serious answer. You think it was only one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Said you were partying so hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was post. That was.

[Jake Johnson]

What were you before?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there was my parents. My parents had a real weird separation from 7 to 14. So they sat me down. Yes, they sat me down at seven, by the way. Keep in mind, this is who is out there dishing advice to people who are asking. Yeah, me at seven.

[Jake Johnson]

My Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

People don't trust us as they should. Not at 7. They sat me down and they were like, we're getting separated. And I was like, divorced. And they were like, no, no, no. Like they had definitely worked out a sort of severance. But did they know.

[Jake Johnson]

Did they know it was going to be a divorce at that time or were they still figuring it out?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They must have. You know how it is when you're like in the weeds with that sort of shit and you're like trying to find. Yeah, it's like you're so. So I. And then it was seven years of extreme confusion and complication where I had no fucking clue what was going on. Yeah, it was horrible. And so that. And.

[Jake Johnson]

And turn was a little Gareth wanting mommy and daddy to get back together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he was like. He had an apartment, he was staying at our house, I was like. And nobody ever sat me down for the recalibrate. Nobody was ever like you.

[Jake Johnson]

You make more sense to me now. I mean it. Seriously. That's not exact. I bet it's not even. I bet. Because guess what? You got to be when Dad's home. The best version of Gareth. Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was joy. The joy I would. The joy I would feel when they were together.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And when they were happy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then when they were bad, I was like my dad. My dad had an apartment where he. He. A duplex where he shared it with two. A set of twins, Ellen and Eileen. And he. Huh. No, no, he was above. But I remember I went there. He was like, I want you to start spending some more time at my place. And I would go. And it was literally like. He was like the 80s cop who was like, I work on my gut instincts.

[Jake Johnson]

We had similar stuff. My dad, when he moved out, I chose my dad over my mom. And I said, like, I chose mom over dad. You did?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I went to my dad's place, and there was three Budweisers, some mustard, and a stack of Playboys. And that was it. In the house. And there was a photo of a woman behind, playing the saxophone behind, like, 80s blinds. You could, like, make the curvature of her body. And I went, like, to moms. I was three. No me gusto esto.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You gotta think how amazing it is, because he was probably like, in his head, he was like, finally a bachelor pad. And then it just kind of results into like, three.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three porn mags, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

That's all he wanted.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's all you needed back then.

[Jake Johnson]

But so. But that. You do make a little bit more sense to me. But now we got to go back, Gareth, because you're lying about one thing. We both know it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

And I just want the truth, and so does the audience. And they. They demand it. And they deserve it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They haven't. They don't even know what you're about to say.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but also, man, how many of these have we done? Like a thousand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's 1,800.

[Jake Johnson]

And we have the same amount of listeners with growth, but our base is with us. So They've listened to 170ish episodes of US blabbing, and you're going to lie to them right now?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You haven't even to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you get specific in your accusation? Why don't you get specific in your accusation?

[Jake Johnson]

And they're currently in the house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't say I was gonna make him go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't make him go.

[Jake Johnson]

What? How many slices makes it your one?

[Gareth Reynolds]

One piece. And if we had a slicer, I'd cut that piece in half.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't think that's true?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do. What? What are you gonna say? I was lying to the audience about? We were gonna make this whole intro about Chloe. This whole point of this intro is about Chloe. And then you started Alma Simon from.

[Jake Johnson]

SNL from her new movie Summer of 69 coming out on Hulu. She also did the movie with me, Dink. I am a massive fan. We have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I didn't know she was in Dink.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, she plays my ex. She's so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

She is so funny on snl. She does. And I know you know when somebody does such good impersonations, they get bored of just being known as that. But she's so good at that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She is so good.

[Jake Johnson]

And I got to talking to her. When we got to know each other, she didn't even know that was her skill set. Really? Fig. Yes. In her 20s, dude. She's just an actor who all of a sudden started doing voices and people are like, you're very good at this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. That's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

So funny. Her movie is directed and we're going to do a re release.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Of Jillian Bells.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Cuz we are huge fans and she directed the movie. I read the script of it. It's so funny. It just went to south by Southwest and it crushed. It's coming out on Hulu. Everybody should check it out. Both those women are absolutely a real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Self reliance path, dare we say.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Exactly. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

That's awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we will have Jillian back on. But yeah. We will be getting the best of where she crushes.

[Jake Johnson]

But exactly right. And so Chloe's coming out today. We're recording with her later. So we cannot talk about the specifics.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of that because we could pretend you're right.

[Jake Johnson]

I guarantee she's gonna be funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She was great. The way she advised that that woman slices 38.

[Jake Johnson]

Really think is your fault.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I am talking about. I'm talking. Here's what I am. You know the Domino's thin crust back in the day?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They sliced it in squares. Yeah. Yeah. The cubes. Remember the corner triangle piece?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bam. One of those.

[Jake Johnson]

Your new nickname is corner slice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I loved them. So I'm fine with that.

[Jake Johnson]

I loved those.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Loved them.

[Jake Johnson]

I like it. I loved it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Loved it. The corner piece.

[Jake Johnson]

College. You know what I loved, by the way? That because I loved Domino's Yeah, same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was Domino's, Papa John's. I. I was I. Bean sauces. I see, that's the. That's where we separate again. I To me, I'm like, pizza's good. I don't need to just soak it.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll soak anything. All right, we got to go in, Pam.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. We got to go for real. We had to go 10 seconds ago, for sure. So anyway, without further.

[Jake Johnson]

Further ado. And you're more than just a corn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not. I'm a core.

[Jake Johnson]

Love you. But it's just truth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Love you, Corner Slice.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by by something that I have in my home, and that is Skylight Calendars. Skylight Calendar is basically your old school calendar made digital. It looks like a calendar. You see it like a calendar. It's not like the calendars on your phone. You can visually see it in that old school way, which I love. But it can also put things on from your technology, which makes it easier. I bought one for my wife. She loved it. We talked about in the show and now they are sponsors. It's pretty full circle. Skylight Calendars and I like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are very happy to have this sponsored because Jake and I were talking just about how hard it is for us to keep our calendars straight. You know, whether you're someone who uses sticky notes or you just kind of get lost in your calendar, Skylight Calendar is here to keep your family organized. So right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcal.com sl here to help. Go to skylightcal.com here to help for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That is sk y l I g h t c a l dot com here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

This podcast is sponsored by the crisp, the refreshing, angry Orchard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Jake, you don't sound angry when you talk about it, because why would you be? Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be.

[Jake Johnson]

I get angry at stuff, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Such as, Mr. Johnson, your perm.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm soaking wet.

[Jake Johnson]

Stop. Not today. By the way, I mean, your anger at the perm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I told you, you're going to see my movie and you know it's going to be, oh, it's.

[Jake Johnson]

It was a ridiculous face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not even a perm. I don't know what's happening.

[Jake Johnson]

I get angry at your love of the Packers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get angry at your delusion over the Bears.

[Jake Johnson]

I get angry at the draft in Green Bay. You just looked around and my mother, who lived in Manito, I'm like, oh, look at this city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's like, go back. And I was like, I'm feeling they.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Had a great draft. Listen, don't get angry about all the things that we talked about, except for Jake's kind of obsessive relationship with the bears that they've never fulfilled him. For 1985, I was alive for one time. Instead, get an angry orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed, not getting pissed off, but have a tasty, angry orchard. Okay? Angry Orchard is the number one hard cider in the country. Has a bright, crisp apple flavor. I just had one the other day. Jake. It's just like biting into a fresh apple. Something we all want to do.

[Jake Johnson]

So grab an angry Orchard cider today. Don't get angry, get orchard and please drink responsibly. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by the one and only Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Squarespace, Jake, we love Squarespace.

[Jake Johnson]

See how Squarespace works? Go to gareth reynolds.com Gareth is at a Squarespace website.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, let me answer that question with one word. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

And what do you like about it? When you built your website where people can come see you on the road, what works about Squarespace's website?

[Gareth Reynolds]

GarethReynolds.com Squarespace not only makes the site look professional, the design is great. It's not that hard. You just are able to scale your business. It gives you everything you need. It's the best helps you. And now they just keep getting better and better.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, they got cutting edge design. They got SEO tools.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's big too.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you know what that means?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course I do.

[Jake Johnson]

What does it mean?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't push me.

[Jake Johnson]

Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions and an auto generated sitemap is what it means. And more. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The domains, they make it easy to find the best domain. There are videos. It makes it easy to showcase your Expertise.

[Jake Johnson]

Check out squarespace.com here to help for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code here to help to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Gilly, take us out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Jake, it's been a while. It's been a long while. Thank you so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Gil. Hello.

[Rusty]

Hey. How's it going?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. How's it going with you? Pretty good, man. Your voice sounds Very familiar. Is this the first call?

[Rusty]

Yeah, first call.

[Jake Johnson]

Man, you sound a lot like. We did a call with Max Greenfield about a twin brother who had a. He wanted to know if he and his brother's dicks were different with circumcision.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Circumcision issues. It could be the other brother.

[Chloe Feynman]

Does he sound. Does he sound circumcised or uncircumcised by.

[Jake Johnson]

His voice, this guy. Circumcised. Can we get your first name place?

[Rusty]

Yeah. Zach.

[Jake Johnson]

Zach. And where are you calling from, Zach?

[Rusty]

Beautiful, sunny Indianapolis.

[Jake Johnson]

I love it, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never heard it described like that.

[Jake Johnson]

You do you get excited when the combine comes to town? Yeah, I think it's cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You sound pumped up.

[Jake Johnson]

So you got Gareth and I. But then you got a special guest. You know her from Saturday Night Live. I know her from the Dink, and we're all going to know her from summer of 6 69, where she stars in a movie coming out on Hulu. May 7th.

[Chloe Feynman]

9Th.

[Jake Johnson]

May 9th. Chloe, you got a winner on this one. We worked together this summer. She is the greatest. So, Zach from Indianapolis, how old are you?

[Rusty]

25. 25.

[Jake Johnson]

Chloe, any question you want to ask Zach just about who he is, what he's about, just to get us started, get a sense of him before we get into his promise.

[Chloe Feynman]

Are you single?

[Jake Johnson]

Good question.

[Rusty]

No, I have a girlfriend.

[Chloe Feynman]

Ooh. How long have you guys been together?

[Rusty]

Oh, two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Such a man.

[Chloe Feynman]

You should totally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Such a man.

[Jake Johnson]

Two, Almost three years.

[Chloe Feynman]

My boyfriend, I'm always like. And our anniversary is November 15th. We've been together seven years, and he's like, Shut up. It's been two.

[Jake Johnson]

You add here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's great. Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Zach, what's the problemo? Sir?

[Rusty]

So my girlfriend and I actually just closed on our first house. Pretty excited. Congrats and thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, hold on. Chloe, go ahead.

[Chloe Feynman]

At 25 years old? That's crazy.

[Rusty]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

What do you do?

[Rusty]

One of the pros to living in Indiana.

[Chloe Feynman]

I know. I was going to say it's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's the trade off.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, all right. So you guys just. You just closed on a place and.

[Chloe Feynman]

You'Re raw doging it in the sense that you're not married.

[Rusty]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Okay, continue.

[Rusty]

That's correct. Like raw dogging it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Immediate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, that's a bold choice, though. Are you buying? So 50. 50. Not in terms of what spending, but what the paperwork says in the paperwork.

[Rusty]

It's. It's fully in my name.

[Jake Johnson]

Attaboy.

[Chloe Feynman]

Okay.

[Rusty]

We've been Together for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

We're confident, so. Yeah, but hold on, Zach. So you're buying a house and letting your girlfriend crash?

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. You didn't buy a house together.

[Jake Johnson]

You didn't buy a house together. You bought a house.

[Chloe Feynman]

And you should tell her that, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bought a house. She's cosplaying as a homeowner.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Got it.

[Rusty]

Yeah. I haven't phrased it like that she's aware, but yeah, I'll phrase. I'll try the cosplay expansion.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so you're. You're buying a house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't say that.

[Jake Johnson]

Of two to three. Three years. Keep going. Chloe's drinking three drinks.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Rusty]

We got a. Got a fenced in backyard with our house because we just got a puppy recently. You're really doing it. We're not. Yeah, we're not moving into the house for a few weeks because we. Our lease with our apartment isn't up. There's some work we got to get done on the house first. We put in some doorbells with cameras on them. And that's when we noticed somebody. A girl's coming over to our every day and just kind of letting her dog off leash. Run around like it's a private dog park, which I don't have much of an issue with. We're not living there yet. The issue is that, you know, the dog a lot bigger than our dog. Taking these massive dumps in the yard and she doesn't pick up after it.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Chloe Feynman]

That's crazy. But I understand. It is a disgusting thing to have to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

No, hold on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, no, she's right. From the. From that woman.

[Chloe Feynman]

Until very recently, if. If my dog pooed, I'd kind of go like this and then pretend until I got caught.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The phantom.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't say. Don't be the fake picker.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Phantom grabber. We see him. We know you're out there. Do you have the prop bag?

[Chloe Feynman]

Me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

I just got bags regularly. I'd say in the last three months. Well, you could always go in Ivy. So it was like. Like, I'm not walking into that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If he's for a dog is bald.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. Yeah, but I got really good at like. And then kind of like.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, you went to. You went to clown school and you told me this for real in Paris, Correct.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. True.

[Jake Johnson]

You have used the expertise to fake pick up shit.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Zach, this is a legit problem, my friend. So you are moving into a house. You've got a lady. You've seen her on camera. Can you describe her age, vibe. It just matters in terms of what we're dealing with.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Rusty]

So she's a bit far away from the camera in the videos I've seen. Initially I thought her age was maybe, you know, young twenties. After some recent videos, a little closer, I'm starting to think maybe either like high, high school age or low college age. Could be. Yeah, a little younger.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I understand. My first thought. Unless there's something more, Zach, that we need to know about this.

[Rusty]

No. Well, I guess the detail that would be important to include is it's kind of a. Kind of a tight knit community. So I don't want and I don't know where, which neighbors live yet. I assume this girl lives somewhere around, but I don't know exactly where.

[Jake Johnson]

I understand. I don't want to piss off the.

[Rusty]

Anger the neighborhood before knowing anybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, because you want to move in there. You're looking to most likely have kids with your girlfriend, soon to be wife. You already got the puppy. You already bought a house. You're moving fast, Zach.

[Chloe Feynman]

You're moving too fast. I feel like that's. That's a bigger problem here.

[Jake Johnson]

Take it easy. That's not what this call's about. That's not the premise of the show. Chloe just passed.

[Chloe Feynman]

How old is she? She's also.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not talking about this stuff. That's not what we're talking about.

[Chloe Feynman]

Entered their Saturn return.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not what we're talking about. Have you guys talked about in the backyard? That's all we're talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When do you guys enter? Saturn Returns Act 20.

[Chloe Feynman]

It's 27 to 30.

[Rusty]

I'm not familiar with Saturday return.

[Jake Johnson]

Neither am I, Zach, because that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about a lady who. Big dog and shits in your yard. Question for you about the dogs. What kind of puppy do you have and what kind of dog is in your yard?

[Rusty]

Yeah, so we have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're not allowed to say.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Because your question was a statement. You go like this, first of all, you shouldn't get married because you're too young. How old is she? I go, we're not talking about the housing dog. You go, yeah, tired life. No way, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No way.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's right.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Also, you guys shouldn't be married.

[Chloe Feynman]

No, I'm saying it's like. Just give it a second. Jesus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a new set of problems.

[Chloe Feynman]

I think I'm just jealous because I'm. Yeah, I'm just jealous and I'm not going to make this about myself. It's really beautiful that you guys have each other. And a date.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, big dog. I think you. I think you're tired. I think the flight got to stop you. But remember, before you start talking about how happy you are for him and her, how beautiful she is, let's just remember the premise of this. Well, we got a dog in the backyard. And.

[Chloe Feynman]

And what kind of dog is in the backyard?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Rusty]

So the dog in the backyard, I don't know exactly what breed it is. Looks like some kind of large doodle. Like a black and white large doodle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gross. To the dog brand.

[Jake Johnson]

Chloe, your thoughts on that?

[Chloe Feynman]

I know what those poos are, and they're huge. Like a horse. A doodle is like a horse in a dog's body. God, that's horrible.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, and what kind of puppy do you have?

[Rusty]

We have a Shiba Inu.

[Chloe Feynman]

So much smaller Shiba Inu.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa. Here's the first piece of advice. Don't grow Ivy.

[Chloe Feynman]

No, but you should. They're very. Oh. Oh. This is really interesting now because you.

[Jake Johnson]

Connect to it because you have the same dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's awesome.

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, my God. You have a Sheba puppy. That's so cute.

[Rusty]

Wait, he's adorable.

[Chloe Feynman]

Did you get him in Indianapolis? Because there's a breeder there up north.

[Rusty]

Indiana, near Michigan.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, they have a lot of breeders there. Not that you should breed dogs.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you're revealing yourself. They have a breeder there that you can get at a rescue after you buy from the breeder.

[Chloe Feynman]

Rescue from.

[Jake Johnson]

Go to Indianapolis, get it from the breeder, and then leave, then donate to a shelter there.

[Chloe Feynman]

100%. Trying to think of two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Chloe, you need to breed.

[Chloe Feynman]

I got really involved with the Sheba. Oh, my God. The. It's a puppy. Oh, they're so cute. Okay, this is unfair that this doodle is ruining the poor Sheba puppy's yard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Chloe, what's your first pitch?

[Chloe Feynman]

Trying to think of a way to, like, torment the doodle. That's, like, semi humane.

[Jake Johnson]

No, don't worry about humane. We're just pitching right now. So you're looking to make the backyard unpleasant for the dog?

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So the idea is, how do we. So the first pitch, which I'm liking, where you're going is ruin the experience of pooping, of pooing for the doodle. But how do you do that? That doesn't ruin it for, like, one. Go ahead, Chloe.

[Chloe Feynman]

I like a horn. Like, like, if you could like a fart Machine or something. Or like a machine that emits a loud alarming sound.

[Jake Johnson]

How would that work? I don't hate the idea.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. Like, I feel like, okay, there's sensors. Like you could get like an, like a sensor machine. I feel like you could just get this on Amazon, like almost like a Halloween decoration. Because like my dog Peach, like, I don't you have dogs, Jake. Right, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I remember.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And I remember you told me your dog bites.

[Chloe Feynman]

He does get ready for that, by the way. Sheba owner. Just to like give you so much hope for your future. Anyway, but like, you know the circling that a dog has to do to decide. I mean, that could be. Yeah. The Roomba. And if anything startles a dog in their Roomba, game over.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, that's a great idea, Zach. Is there a schedule to when? Because we all walk our animals on a schedule. Yeah. Is there a schedule to when? Can you see on your camera when the dog is there? And do you have a live feed?

[Rusty]

We do have a live feed now. We just got WI fi connected the house recently.

[Jake Johnson]

This is interesting.

[Rusty]

And it seems to be sometimes like post work into early evening around dinner time in that range.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What. What kind of window are you talking about?

[Rusty]

Like 5:00pm to 8 at the latest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

3. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, here's another idea. Cuz I definitely like where Chloe's going with the sensor. We're just going to call it the fart machine, but that's also an air horn. It's just whenever that dog is getting into that squat, you just go. The dog just jumps and has to start over. And she goes, go ahead, Chloe, what were you gonna say?

[Chloe Feynman]

And the butthole's like, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think we needed to say that. Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

But I. I've lost my filter this morning, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, please. So the idea that Chloe wants to do is when the butthole's opening to just scare it back closed.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Now I'm gonna pitch something a little bit different, Zach, and it's gonna take a little creativity on yours, but I think the one is a good fix. The only problem with the fart machine is you gott got to be there. But it's not a bad idea. But you got to be there. Let's go to how farmers have dealt with issues like this from the beginning of time. And I'm going to call it the scarecrow Crab.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crow.

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, crap. Crow.

[Jake Johnson]

Create something in the yard that scares the doodle.

[Rusty]

Yeah, I'm with you.

[Jake Johnson]

Right. So this is just this a seed. Zach. But it's. The dog goes back there. It's a little dusky. It's not quite dark. But what can we do? Is it. You put some sort of a statue of an animal back there and spray it with coyote piss. You see what I'm saying? I'm just hinting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you're getting in the coyote piss realm.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm getting into the idea of the dog goes back there and doesn't like it because one is making it unpleasant for her. Two is just start spooking it. Three, another pitch. Start leaving signage for her that just puts a sign in there that goes like, you gonna pick it up, lady?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, I think.

[Jake Johnson]

Or I like your red shirt, but you look better in green.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, I think it should say caught you, and then give, like, an illustration of what she looks like or details, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or even a picture of her.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. Take a picture and be like. Yeah, but I. Screenshot from the video record.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I worry, per Zach's earlier point, that we're trying to keep our reputation in the neighborhood before we get in there on the up and up. So I. Signage wise, is she taking the dog? Is she taking the dog to the same spot pretty much every time, Zach.

[Jake Johnson]

The backyard that's fenced in, is it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pretty much. Okay, this is what I would say.

[Rusty]

Walks in the gate and then lets it go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so we're. This is what I would say. Let's put some signs up near the gate that say we're spaying. We're spraying pest, not spaying. That's a different pitch. We're spraying pesticides. Yes. There's toxic chemicals now being sprayed there to kill weeds or something. And we get some sort of sign that shows it's deadly to animals.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But here's what I want to amend to that, because that's a very smart pitch, and that'll work, but I'm a little bit annoyed by her behavior.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't disagree, but I don't think.

[Jake Johnson]

This is making you look bad, Zach. I don't think you should do the caught you bitch. No disrespect, Chloe. I like it.

[Chloe Feynman]

It's fine.

[Jake Johnson]

But I don't think we got it. I don't think we have to call.

[Chloe Feynman]

Her a. I forgot we're Indianap in New York. You can say.

[Jake Johnson]

I think you can agree. You can. We might be talking about a high school kid, but what I like is, I like putting a little fear of God into people, Zach.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I like a sign that says, I like a little sign that says, I Liked your green shirt yesterday, but you might look better in purple like you did last Thursday. Also, don't leave shit in my yard again.

[Chloe Feynman]

That's scary.

[Jake Johnson]

So you go, the fuck?

[Chloe Feynman]

You know what? It kind of is like. Did you ever see the show the Watcher?

[Jake Johnson]

No, you didn't?

[Chloe Feynman]

Are you familiar with it?

[Jake Johnson]

What is the Watcher?

[Chloe Feynman]

It was like, these people move into a new house, couple, they have kids. You don't have kids yet, but kind of similar. And then there's this person who's watching them, and he kept giving notes. And it was like, I see you in the living room and I think being watched is really scary. And it doesn't. Yeah, it's fear of God. But you could be the watcher.

[Jake Johnson]

But how about this as a watcher? Let's make it really creepy. Let's put a sign by the door that says like one thing and then another side so she thinks she's on a scavenger hunt. And the last sign like, stay out of my yard. Maybe not the last.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you just went coastal again.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's because Chloe was doing the finger thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Blame Chloe's fingers.

[Jake Johnson]

I did. I got exactly.

[Chloe Feynman]

You could say I wanted her to, but you can't say no.

[Jake Johnson]

You shouldn't say either. Not in Minneapolis. But, Zach, what do you think about calling this pitch the Watcher? And you're the watcher. When you hear that, what's your instinct?

[Rusty]

I like it. I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anything tell that to your voice. Z. Wait.

[Chloe Feynman]

Also, I think it. Okay, sorry. Go on, go on.

[Rusty]

I think it's a. It's a good pitch. I feel like this opportunity was bestowed upon me by some higher power to have a little shenanigans, have a little fun with it.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Rusty]

I like an approach like that. My only concern is with a small community like this, if the. If the girl knows others in the neighborhood and starts telling them about the signs, does it go from her being the weird one to let her dog poop in my yard to me being the weird one?

[Jake Johnson]

It does.

[Chloe Feynman]

It does, does.

[Jake Johnson]

It does. What were you going to say?

[Chloe Feynman]

What about like a. Like as if you're getting walked in on. But it's. It's poop, so bear with me. This is going to make sense. So because you did, is the girl always bringing the dog at the same time on the camera?

[Rusty]

Roughly, yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

So why don't just show up at that time and be like, oh, that's crazy. This is literally my house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is like a three hour window. But that is. I Mean, well, if you could.

[Jake Johnson]

If you can afford after work until.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dark, 5 to 8, basically. So if you can afford the time, I think that's great. I would. I would stake it out.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. And I would wait, but we're missing something fun, because this is all gonna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dress up like Austin Powers. Yeah, that makes it fun.

[Chloe Feynman]

It's like a poop intervention.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Because here's what's gonna happen, Zach. As soon as you move into this house, it's over.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Agreed.

[Jake Johnson]

So this is a problem that will solve itself. You're calling in because you're like, is there fun to be had in the meantime? That one solves the problem. Two doesn't make me look like a weirdo. But three, just let this girl know I see what you're doing and it's weird. Which takes me back to the fart machine. Or you could do something. You could do something. And. I don't know, you might want to do this with that little dog of yours. Because if you're going to let the dog go in the backyard on her own, or on his own anyhow, you might want some sort of a movement sensor that turns on lights.

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, a lot. Yeah, lights. If it just lights, what you could do, you could.

[Jake Johnson]

You could literally plug in. You can get online. You could get a sensor light. I got one in my backyard because when I first moved in, there was a huge owl in my backyard. I walked back there and what looked like. Like something that was about three and a half feet tall. I walked in my backyard. It was just staring at me. It was an out of body experience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why did you want that to end?

[Jake Johnson]

Bigger than that. Three and a half is exaggerated. Yeah, whatever that is. Whatever that is huge. And it was dark and it looked like it was wearing like a cloak. And I, I. My brain couldn't put together what I was looking at.

[Chloe Feynman]

Damn.

[Jake Johnson]

And I just walked back there and I was like, whoa. And this thing. And I just stared at each other. And then it did the little, like, owl movement. And I was in a horror movement in a horror moment. And so then I got a light out there. So if there's any movement, the. A bright flashlight turns on like a floodlight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See, I would want the owl to stay.

[Chloe Feynman]

They're good luck. What did you think the owl would.

[Jake Johnson]

Do, man, at that point of the evening? Chloe Gareth. I wasn't sure, but whatever it was, I wasn't looking.

[Chloe Feynman]

You didn't like it?

[Jake Johnson]

I wasn't. I wasn't positive. In the darkness.

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, my gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

What? I was Looking at was a human. No.

[Chloe Feynman]

They're just like.

[Jake Johnson]

No. Yeah, but at the moment. At the moment, I. I didn't say. This is an owl, for sure.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what are you pitching?

[Jake Johnson]

I. I swear on my life, I had no idea what I was looking. All right, well, everything was happening fast. I went, whatever this is, either a little hobbit, this is a little human.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on now. This is a million. Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth. Everything was happening fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

It did not look like an owl. It looked like a creature in the darkness. A hobbit in the. And I just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did you tell your wife when you decided you were going to get extra shit?

[Jake Johnson]

Did you talk about this?

[Chloe Feynman]

You just did it secretly?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just did it.

[Jake Johnson]

All of a sudden, two days later, there's a box. Okay, plug it in. All right, so what I would consider is a floodlight that's shockingly bright.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like the floodlight. Yep. I like that. You also mentioned that she's coming in through a gate, right?

[Jake Johnson]

Zach, lock the gate.

[Rusty]

Yes. A side gate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we maybe peanut butter the gate? Why don't we. Hold on, hold on, Jake. Okay, whoa, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

You were going. You go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't you just either put some signage on the gate, or why don't you put a lot of, like, bells on the gate that makes it look like you're setting a trap that you maybe don't have the part B to for right now. So he notices a difference, like, something's going on. You're now. You are now escalating the chess match. Just buy, like, five or six bells, attach them there, make sure it gives a good ring when you go there. And I think she might be like, what the fuck? Some homeowner is doing something, and I don't know why, and maybe it moves them into a different yard.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's. You're doing very logical pitches, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like the owl in your yard.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Huh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like a wise owl.

[Chloe Feynman]

What do you think her motive is? Like, she. She. She's kind of like.

[Jake Johnson]

Like.

[Chloe Feynman]

Does she like to kind of sneak and, like, poop and not pick it up and just not be responsible because she's kind of doing a sneaky thing.

[Rusty]

Yeah. I think it's just what's. What's easy, you know? You don't got to walk around the block and pick up after him.

[Jake Johnson]

Right? You can just walk over to a.

[Rusty]

Yard and let him run.

[Jake Johnson]

Zach, I got an idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get an hour.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't nice, but I think it would be effective. I want you to go pick up one of the doodles, big shits, Rub it all over the handle of the fence. And next time she does it, she opens it, she gets dog on her hand. It's very passive aggressive, but every time you go. And then when you move in, you just spray it down. But the first time she'll go like, ew, there's poo on this. The third time she'll go, who could she tell? What is she gonna do, go home and go. So I break into this guy's backyard. So my dog shits in the yard. But she's the crazy person. It. So you're just out. Crazy, crazy. Because all you just got to rub a little on the handle. Who could she tell? They'll go, what do you mean? So the yard I break into, there's dog on the hand. They will go, why are you going into somebody else's yard? Whose is it? My dog?

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's not going to know it's her dog's. But I do agree on a hand.

[Chloe Feynman]

I think it's perfect karma, because as somebody, if, like, every time I wouldn't pick up my dog's poo, I would step in it. Like, not his, but it was like. Like inevitably, like, yeah, people who step and shit are people like me who wouldn't pick up their dog.

[Jake Johnson]

So. So, Zach, here's kind of where we're at. We got a fart machine. We got a scarecrow. We've got a picture of her, which I still really like, actually. You just take a photo of that and you put a sense strange. That's the watcher. That's scary.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You got a sign that says, caught you, bitch. You got a pesticide. Just a warning of what's gonna happen.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You plant the seed of mystery. So you got like a little Easter egg hunt of signs. You've got bells on the gate or you've got on the handle. Zach, we've thrown you a lot of pictures. We got to get a sense of where you're at. What are you thinking of doing? Floor is yours.

[Rusty]

I'm thinking. I like. I like Gareth's approaches of doing something to the gate. Thinking some bells, the poo gate would be effective. But I don't really want to rub her dog's poop on the handle. So maybe something that resembles poop or taking it a step further from the bells and just kind of rigging up something that looks like an elaborate contraption with a lot of bells on it. Just stuff going on on the gate and leaving that to make her question when she walk up to the gate, should I really open this door?

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's smart. Would you think about putting a sign in there too? Afterwards, if she goes on through? Because if all the lights are off in the house and those bells. I'm telling you what if I use this as a dog park, I'm going in. I don't hate it, but I'm going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what plan B.

[Rusty]

Assign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Rusty]

A sign or the fart machine. Something on the other side of the gate, should she actually open it?

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.

[Jake Johnson]

Go ahead, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we just take per Jake's pitch. Why don't you go pick up a ton of her dog's and where she first would walk in at the gate, put it all over there so that she, when she steps in, steps in the lining of her dog's.

[Jake Johnson]

The karma path.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or.

[Chloe Feynman]

Or if they're all in little bags, you know, and it's like, look what you did. Because sometimes like you're not aware of all the crimes that you commit until you see them in front of you. Like if there's like a. Like a little pile of rats.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you explain that logic though, Chloe? Like, I'm not aware of the crimes you commit unless you see them in front of you.

[Chloe Feynman]

Like. Like my boyfriend takes a Benadryl every night to go to bed and he's down to half a Benadryl and I'm trying to get him off of this Benadryl. So I was trying to think of like, what if I took all these bowls and filled them with Benadryl so we can visualize the amount of Benadryl that's going into his body. It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or like. Yeah, well, he'd be like, that's so much better. Oh, this going to be great.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, of course.

[Jake Johnson]

That is really funny.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, you see the poops?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Zach, what do you think about the karma thing? You either create a path where she steps in it or you pick it up and put them all by the gate so she's got to see the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crime and hopefully step in it.

[Rusty]

I think Chloe on something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Those are big sips.

[Chloe Feynman]

That was. Yeah, I just heard how my.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. I've never heard somebody sip before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's good.

[Jake Johnson]

Am I wrong? It was. I heard. It's right in my ear. It was like, than talking.

[Chloe Feynman]

I'm getting my electro. I got to do my. I'm on my. I. I finished. I cleaned this one out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy.

[Jake Johnson]

Zach, take us out, man. What are you going to do? We've given you a few more options.

[Rusty]

Yeah, I think Chloe's on to something. I like her idea. I'm thinking, you know, maybe bag them all up, all the poop, put it at the gate, make her really reflect on what she's doing. If she steps in it at that point, it's in bright colored bags. So that's not really my fault. But it's not like I just put all the poop there maliciously.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree, Zach.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And you're gonna do the bells, too.

[Rusty]

I mean, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Why not do us a favor. Send a photo after you've bailed up the door and you've got all the there so we can see what you're doing. And then we might need to follow. I think what's going to happen if she doesn't ever come back again. We don't need a follow up. But if she pushes past and does it going to have to follow up.

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, definitely.

[Jake Johnson]

Right?

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, yeah.

[Rusty]

Good.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Zach, thank you. And make sure you send us that photo so we can see your game plan. But I think this is going to work. I think she should see it and just go like, I'm out. But I don't think this makes you weird in the neighborhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I agree. And you've been wronged by the b.

[Jake Johnson]

You've been wrong, but you're just saying, like, stop in my yard. And I'm trying to prevent you without getting weird. But if she keeps going, then we got to go to plan B and we might have to go a little mystery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We find where she lives and you crap in her yard.

[Jake Johnson]

Not going to do that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That maybe everything's on the table right now.

[Jake Johnson]

You feel good, Zach?

[Rusty]

Yeah. I appreciate the advice.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, buddy, follow up with us.

[Rusty]

All right. Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But bye.

[Chloe Feynman]

You know what's funny? I. This morning, I. I do like a sneak also because I think I'm. I'm just not quite growing up enough. But like my landlord, like, outside of ours, we have all this trash and she's like, really into recycling and all this shit. And if I'm too tired, I'll get all my stuff. And then I walk across the street to a restaurant and I put it in their dumpster. And I did do that this morning. So I relate to this teenager.

[Jake Johnson]

You're the girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're the girl.

[Chloe Feynman]

I was like, it's good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Inside steps.

[Chloe Feynman]

I'm too tired. Yeah, you're out anyway. Coming off really Great. In this call you are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Okay, so what room you're in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Claire.

[Jake Johnson]

Me?

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. What is happening?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talk about it. Walk her through it. Jake.

[Chloe Feynman]

It's a dragon. Where are we? Are you writing?

[Jake Johnson]

Where are we? This is my little office.

[Chloe Feynman]

Cool.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

That's habata, a fake martial arts art.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep going. What? Jake, why don't you tell her some more stuff and then walk her through the yard super quickly, too.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I want to ask questions.

[Chloe Feynman]

Wait, why is it fake martial art?

[Jake Johnson]

So I did a pilot years ago with Josh Greenbaum, the director of the Dink.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yes. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What a. What a poll I just did. Got us to the movie we made together. Chloe. Awesome.

[Chloe Feynman]

Incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Answer the question, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

We had a lot of fun together making.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake. Why are you in a Goodwill?

[Jake Johnson]

And. And so we made it, and it was about a. It was a fake documentary because Josh is a documentarian.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yep. Famous.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you doing, though? Chloe? What are you doing?

[Chloe Feynman]

Trying to see. What the.

[Jake Johnson]

You had me on the ropes, but what are you doing now?

[Chloe Feynman]

I'm seeing with the black and white. It looks like from far. I'm sure it's appropriate, but, like, from my angle, I can't tell what I'm. Look, the sketch.

[Jake Johnson]

This next to it.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah. Cause it looks like a.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a gorilla.

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a gorilla's face.

[Chloe Feynman]

And then you have a sailor next to you, facing you as a sailor. Yeah, that. Right next to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're cool.

[Chloe Feynman]

What is that?

[Jake Johnson]

That?

[Chloe Feynman]

What is that? No, don't turn it. Who is that?

[Jake Johnson]

Just some guy. He's just a guy I've had since I was 17.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I genuinely think Natalie's about to bail you out, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I used to put it right next to my bed, and everybody I'd ever bring home would go, please get rid of that thing. It used to have a light that came off the top.

[Chloe Feynman]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But I. I got it when I was 17. It's traveled with me forever.

[Chloe Feynman]

It's huge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's shocking that it was near your bed always.

[Jake Johnson]

That was my light for years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Super strange in the middle of the.

[Jake Johnson]

Night, you'd go like, hey, can I get some water? I'd go, yeah, yeah. Comes on. Shines right on his face. All right, let's do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jake. I've never seen him head on.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's worse. It is worse.

[Chloe Feynman]

It is worse.

[Jake Johnson]

The best match.

[Chloe Feynman]

I like your.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Say it again. Chloe. I didn't mean to interrupt you.

[Chloe Feynman]

I'm just gonna be here. My Gulp.

[Jake Johnson]

Anyway, now I'm here. Good, good. What's your name, bud?

[Zach]

My name is Rusty.

[Jake Johnson]

Rusty, how you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is cool.

[Zach]

Doing good.

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Where are you calling from, Rust?

[Zach]

Calling from Utah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rusty. Does the name Rust work for you? It felt like it definitely did.

[Chloe Feynman]

Absolutely not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It felt like you weren't into being called wet metal. I'll take it.

[Jake Johnson]

Rusty. What are your nicknames, Russ?

[Zach]

Rusty. I like going by Rusty. Or my. My last name. Scram.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rusty Scram. That sounds like a product for ladders.

[Chloe Feynman]

Rusty Scram.

[Jake Johnson]

Rusty Scrap. Great names.

[Zach]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

That's one of the best things I've ever heard.

[Chloe Feynman]

What is Rusty Scram?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sounds like a breakfast special.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So what is Rusty short for? Russell?

[Zach]

No, it's. It's Rusty Born.

[Jake Johnson]

Born and giving unbursed. And what's a middle name that mom.

[Chloe Feynman]

And dad cool boy name name?

[Jake Johnson]

Rusty is.

[Zach]

Yeah. No, I don't. I don't have a middle name.

[Jake Johnson]

You're just straight up on the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't need one.

[Jake Johnson]

Rusty scram.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you're Rusty. Rusty scram. What are you gonna throw in There, that's better.

[Jake Johnson]

Michael Rusty Michaels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Rusty, you got any. You got any siblings?

[Zach]

I do. I have five siblings. I'm the oldest.

[Jake Johnson]

What are their names?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Utah.

[Zach]

Well, I'm actually calling about. Don't say Utah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Utah.

[Zach]

Yeah, I'm actually calling about one of my siblings. So I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, great. So we'll just get into it. You got a special guest. You got Chloe Feynman from SNL, Summer of 69 and the Dink. You're in good hands, Rusty. What was the right response?

[Chloe Feynman]

Cool boy, Rusty.

[Jake Johnson]

Mr. Scram. What do you got?

[Zach]

So. So my issue is I have a sister who just got married maybe six, seven months ago, and she is. They're just, like, over the top with pda.

[Jake Johnson]

So, like, for instance, really fast, Rusty. Really fast. Has anybody watching Love on the Spectrum?

[Chloe Feynman]

I was literally about to say the exact same thing. I immediately thought about Mackenzie.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Chloe Feynman]

Is that her name? Mackenzie? And her Southern gentleman.

[Jake Johnson]

The sweet gentleman. It's too much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's too much.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a little bit pervy. He's a bit much.

[Chloe Feynman]

You know, they've been together for nine months.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, he's a sweet guy. He'll. He'll do a lot of. Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Like, he's a cowboy, sweetheart.

[Jake Johnson]

I know. And everything she says, he goes, of course I like that. But when he moves in for a kiss, as a dad, I'm a little bit like my guy. And then her eyes are looking around where she's like, it's still happening.

[Chloe Feynman]

Know.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm like, hey, homeboy. I get. I get the fruit. Tastes nice. Take a step back.

[Chloe Feynman]

If you were there, would you like. Would you break it up? How would you do it?

[Jake Johnson]

I would get hands in there. I would walk right in between me and I'd go, all right, my sweet cowboy, I think we've had enough sampling sick rust back to you. So, Russ, you have not seen it. And, yeah, I'm calling.

[Zach]

No, I haven't, but I get the gist. I get the gist.

[Jake Johnson]

You'll know what it is right away. So what's your sister's name? Stop.

[Zach]

So I need an alias for what's.

[Jake Johnson]

What's a good.

[Zach]

Love it.

[Jake Johnson]

And Mackenzie. Scram, Max, scram. So we can call her Mackenzie.

[Chloe Feynman]

Wait, can I ask a dumb question? Is anyone in your filming him? Hey. Because then it's like, hey, scram out.

[Zach]

No, no, actually, you weren't that creative.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Russ, Russell, you got McKenzie, and we'll just call him the Sweet Cowboy.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, and what kind of PDA are they? Like, tug in mouth or what's the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's a good question. Than.

[Zach]

Yeah, it's like that, like.

[Jake Johnson]

Like full tongue.

[Zach]

So. So let me give you, like, for instance, like, a couple weeks ago, we're sitting on the couch, or like, we're. We're all just hanging out as a family, playing games, whatever, at my house and.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds nice.

[Zach]

She gets. She gets pissed about something, and so she, like, hangs her hair over his face. And then they, like, you can hear little tiny whispers of like. Oh. And then like, like noises and like.

[Jake Johnson]

Like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Right here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Jake Johnson]

They're doing, like, flirty whispers and kind of bedroom talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you. Are you saying that she's making little noises or they're making out?

[Chloe Feynman]

Cousin it. Like, that's kind of a weird.

[Rusty]

Yeah.

[Zach]

At least it's on the up and up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait, are they making out under the hair?

[Chloe Feynman]

You don't have to defend Utah so much, but.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, relax.

[Chloe Feynman]

Dude, dude, dude, it's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Easy. Rest.

[Chloe Feynman]

We like it.

[Zach]

Yes, they are, like, making out. And, like, you can hear, like. I don't know. I. I try to look away, like, moaning.

[Chloe Feynman]

Does he moan?

[Zach]

No, not that. Oh, gosh, no. I might lose my mind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, but.

[Jake Johnson]

But, like, Rusty, hold on. What age are they? Let me get it. I think I'm getting a sense of this. So, yeah, your sister and them are getting a little bit much. It's getting a Little bit gross.

[Chloe Feynman]

They're in their 20s.

[Jake Johnson]

They're in their 20s?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Zach]

Mid-20s.

[Jake Johnson]

And how old are you?

[Zach]

I am, like, a little bit older. Like, upper mid-20s.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so it's a younger sister. And what does the rest of the family think?

[Zach]

We all make jokes behind their back and tease them ruthlessly.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And so this is a pretty clean setup.

[Chloe Feynman]

Rusty, I'm gonna show you what you need. Hold on. Just to keep talking. I'm here.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so what is this specific. She's gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's gone. She's left frame completely. It'd be amazing if she never came back.

[Zach]

I'm still here, but I'm gone.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, hold on. One of these.

[Chloe Feynman]

A spray bot. We have a spray dog.

[Zach]

Oh.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Chloe, take it away. What are you thinking?

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, you got a spray bottle. You can get these anywhere. You can at the dollar store. You get them at a plant store to water your plant, if you're into that. And I do it to my dog, and I would just do it. If they kiss, I'd squirt them.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, it's not a bad idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I like it.

[Zach]

Case open and shut right there.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really?

[Jake Johnson]

But. But honestly, Rusty, if you just. If she. They start kissing, you have a spray bottle and you hose them off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Off.

[Chloe Feynman]

That's what. Yeah, it was, like, for humping. You know, you're off.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. By the way, if you treated him like dogs, humping, that would be. And also, if you're the guy and you get sprayed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, you're.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so humiliating. Like, your hair gets damp in one weird zone. You're like a horny dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's pretty.

[Jake Johnson]

For humpy. Humiliated.

[Zach]

Sometimes, like, like, literally at Christmas, they, like, went under a blanket in the middle of the living room, and you can just see, like, motion.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is absolutely crazy.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

That way. I mean, I don't think they were.

[Zach]

Doing it, but, like.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I get it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, not doing it, but still. It's so weird.

[Jake Johnson]

It's. It's, like, so validating.

[Zach]

Guys, this is so validating.

[Chloe Feynman]

My sister and I growing up. Oh, sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

You go, Chloe.

[Chloe Feynman]

It's another story where I come off really bad.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear. Go ahead. See? Too late. You started. Let's see.

[Chloe Feynman]

My sister and I shared a bathroom growing up. And if we were both home and she was with her boyfriend, I'd hear in the middle of the night, like, whatever. And one night, I. I was so pissed, I. I kicked the door open, and I was like, you need to shut the up. And then they were just asleep. So I don't know what I had been hearing.

[Jake Johnson]

When you say that your par. And they both go like, yeah, you went in the wrong room.

[Chloe Feynman]

No, it wasn't my. Oh. Oh, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, who did you hear? What cheeks? Did you hear slapping?

[Chloe Feynman]

I. You know, we're in Northern California. I think it was like trees. Maybe.

[Jake Johnson]

I understand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I understand trees sounded like human sex.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, it was something, but. Or maybe they weren't. They lied. But I kicked the door down.

[Jake Johnson]

Down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Either way.

[Jake Johnson]

So Rusty.

[Rusty]

Oh gosh.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think about the spray bottle?

[Zach]

The spray bottle's pretty good. I've. But I don't know if it's like because we've brought it up to them as a problem.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

How did you. What did you say?

[Zach]

Not like anyone like talk to them about it, but like, I'll make.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How did you bring it up to their faces?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Zach]

Like for instance, I'll be like, wait.

[Chloe Feynman]

What did you just say?

[Zach]

I'm like, hey, remember that one time when you guys were being disgusting PDA in the living room? Oh wait, that was right now.

[Chloe Feynman]

Mic drop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not enough.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Zach]

Or like they asked us the other like just a couple days ago. They're like, oh, do you think RPA is as bad as somebody else's? And we're like, it's. I don't think anybody could beat you. I think you are. You take the kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

See.

[Jake Johnson]

See what happens after that.

[Zach]

No, she's just. Oh, no. What? No.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So it's not. Stop.

[Zach]

Like after teasing they just. Hahaha.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then they go, teasing is not enough. This is a problem. Teasing is not going to get you out of it.

[Jake Johnson]

Chloe, what is going on with you?

[Chloe Feynman]

Sorry. You could talk. Sorry, I just got a. Nothing. Ignore me.

[Jake Johnson]

Why do you get so close to the screen when you read stuff? You are not that old and you're better at technology than this. You're doing what my dad did before he passed away with technology. You also earlier called Quick Tayugo when we were first setting up. She goes, okay, it's looking for. Looking for quick time. But oh my God, is it. Well, it's not roasting. It's a mystery to me of what's happening.

[Chloe Feynman]

I. I understand. I. The phone is like, yep. And. And then there's something about a computer where I'm like, like the texts are coming. I don't know how to like get the thing off.

[Jake Johnson]

I got you. You're not used to the computer.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, not at all. And then yeah, Reading. I have to get close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a cry for glasses.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's reminded me when computers were new, right? Like, you know, beginning of the pandemic on the early Zooms. You'd literally. We used to do a card game. My buddy Baena hosted a game. Certain people would come on and the. It would be so close to their face, I'd have to go like, hey, I don't know who you are, Greg, but you've gotta move it back. It's like, I'm in my bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's called zoom.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm seeing so much of your face. It's such a. And they'd be like, huh, Greg, take the thing and just arm's length away.

[Chloe Feynman]

But in Greg and I's defense, like, the screen is this far away. Like, if that was a book, I couldn't read it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you're right about that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there is something to the idea that Rusty just called that roasting, though, because that's not roast. I think Rusty, I think you're going too soft. Soft in the paint with this one and your threshold Utah again. He's like, I was horrible. I said, darn it. Yeah. So I think you're too soft. I think you. You're. You guys have created the conditions where what they're doing is, like, they feel incorrigible in a good way. We need to go. Shame. This is full on. Like, this has to stop. It's ruining events.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you could all. You could also do. Yeah, go ahead, Rusty.

[Zach]

The subtle doesn't work. Work. Like, you know, even just like. Like, they've been, like, on the couch, like, noodling or whatever, and it's. And it's like, even, like, looking away, like. Or like, dry heat. Like fake dry heaving.

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Zach]

Like.

[Chloe Feynman]

No, that's not working.

[Zach]

No. Shame.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I got another. They're proud about it, Rusty. Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

You got to get the water problem.

[Jake Johnson]

How about water?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Water? Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What about porn sounds or porn music?

[Chloe Feynman]

Oh, that's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

What is porn music? I'm not a baby. But, like, used to be.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, you go back to. You got to go. There's no music anymore, right?

[Zach]

Or something.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, right. When they were cinema.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. They would do star wipes. It was a whole thing.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Of course there's nothing because it's on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, the kids got to get to it right away, Jake. It's disgusting.

[Jake Johnson]

But if I agree, Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just like a soundtrack. Tease me a little, guys. Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

I actually just want the soundtrack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I like the music.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You and your little weird sailor just listening to porn together.

[Jake Johnson]

But what do you think about on your phone getting overly exaggerated 70s porn music?

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And at a full volume that's so loud that others can't talk. Talk. Hey. So it fully ruins the vibe if you're all hanging out. They start kissing. It goes like that's Sanford and Son but something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, play the full house theme.

[Jake Johnson]

Or the least sexy music. Imagine where you do like jumbo Wamba.

[Zach]

The Mrs. Gingerbread song. Oh, my gosh.

[Chloe Feynman]

What's the Mrs. Gingerbread song?

[Jake Johnson]

From a caller on this show. A woman wrote a song and Interesting idea, but what is Rusty, what do you think, Rusty, about a song? Whenever it's on. And by odd I mean they're getting together.

[Zach]

Don't stay on. Oh, gosh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I dig that so much. YouTube. Yeah, because we don't say get it on. That's horrible.

[Jake Johnson]

Rusty, we could do. We got two options for you, and I think both would work. We've got the spray bottle or we've got sounds. Go ahead.

[Chloe Feynman]

I was thinking you could ice bucket them.

[Jake Johnson]

That's interesting. Just put a little. The only problem with that is I don't think he's gonna like it in the house. Oh, yeah?

[Zach]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Did you ever just put it in your mouth and then be like. And just shoot one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wait a minute, though.

[Zach]

You're trying to make it more freaky or.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah, no, just like, you know, when you, like, don't you spit things at your. So let's do that. You're acting like I'm crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Easy, Rusty.

[Jake Johnson]

Off of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chloe's gesture just now made me think of a whistle. If your whole family could have whistles. And you can have the stop at whistles because this is a foul. So you could. You could have whistles. I also think what you could start doing. I also think what you could do is start taking some pictures of this happening and send it to the show. And we can start to blur their faces and post it. And this might be a way to subtly. That it's shame. Shame.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I. I got one based off. Yes, I got. I got one off of the whistle that I know will work. Fart machine. This is truth. It will nothing. But if you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It solves everything out.

[Jake Johnson]

There's nothing that takes you out of the mood more than the sounds of a random fart machine going off. So they're kissing on the couch instantly. You just have one of those. Leslie Nielsen used to carry one around with them when he did press. Thank God he did it's worth a YouTube search.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank God he did good.

[Jake Johnson]

The funniest. But you could get one online very easily. Make it loud. They.

[Chloe Feynman]

They couldn't sound like that.

[Jake Johnson]

They do that.

[Chloe Feynman]

Remember, it's like there's that one and then the other.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good variance.

[Jake Johnson]

That'll work for sure. That'll end it very quickly. They're being cute. Going like, how you little. Doing bunny, bunny? Right over all. They're talking. And a very loud clip. Whenever they do that, the house is filled with farts. So you're gonna try the sound start there.

[Zach]

Yeah, I like sounds. I like spray bottle.

[Chloe Feynman]

Yeah.

[Zach]

I think you can't go wrong with a spray.

[Chloe Feynman]

You also should just have one in general because it's. You can do. You can do your hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Just to like. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We have a daughter.

[Zach]

We can.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chloe Feynman]

Sprayer. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Rusty, we're getting out. We give. Do the spray bottle, do the sounds, and let us know what happens, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rusty, do you and the family ever call yourselves the scramily? We gotta go. Thanks, buddy.

[Jake Johnson]

Take care, Chloe. Thank you for doing the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Chloe. Thanks so much.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes, episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Rusty]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions, Executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis.

[Rusty]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only. And all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I'm Tony Hale. I'm Matt Oberg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm Kristen Schall.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're going to be hosting the new podcast the Extraordinarians, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people doing extraordinary things. Things that we have never and probably will never do. We talked to people who have broken records on slack lines, suspended by hot air balloons. We're talking to people who have done multiple flips on trampolines. You'll have to tune in to find out how many flips they did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch video. Watch it on the YouTube.

[Jake Johnson]

There's new episodes that we release it every Wednesday. We do. I've never seen you cry before. I know. I don't know why. This is upsetting for all of us. They don't let us break for lunch. They do the podcast. It's so competitive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They make you just talk.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys, we're watching a spin out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please subscribe.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, man. Extraordinary experience.

[Chloe Feynman]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod.