170: Occasional Blue Jays & Butt Grazing

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" - Episode 170: Occasional Blue Jays & Butt Grazing

Release Date: May 12, 2025

---

Introduction

In Episode 170 of "We're Here to Help," hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds delve into two unique listener calls, offering their characteristic blend of humor and heartfelt advice. This episode, titled "Occasional Blue Jays & Butt Grazing," addresses the challenges of maintaining friendships as lives change and the practical concerns of sharing living spaces.

---

First Listener Call: Michelle from Texas – Dealing with the Perpetual Party Animal

[15:00] Michelle's Dilemma

Michelle, a 32-year-old from Dallas, reaches out seeking advice on managing her friend Blue Jay, who insists on maintaining a party-centric lifestyle despite the group's evolving responsibilities and desire for a more settled life. Her main concern is how to convey to Blue Jay that it's okay to slow down without making the group seem old or boring.

Key Points:

• Friendship Dynamics: Michelle highlights the tension between wanting to continue socializing actively and recognizing that not everyone in the group shares the same energy levels or interests anymore.

• Blue Jay's Influence: Blue Jay not only wants to keep partying but also attempts to impose this lifestyle on the entire friend group, leading to frequent conflicts about social plans.

Gareth's Insight ([17:50]):

"This feels like the reverse opposite of a call that should be coming into our show. Our show should be how do I convince my friends to keep partying."

Advice Offered:

• Day Drinking as a Compromise ([24:21]): Jake and Gareth suggest incorporating day drinking into social gatherings. By starting earlier in the day, the group can extend their social time without the late-night pressures that clash with their new lifestyles.

• Setting Boundaries ([28:32]): They recommend setting clear boundaries and communicating openly with Blue Jay about the group's needs, emphasizing that slowing down doesn't equate to losing the friendship.

Notable Quote ([25:05]):

Gareth Reynolds: "The whole thing. The transition in 30s to 40s out of 20s is it really does start. The hard liquor kind of filters itself out. But the day drinking starts to take on a charm because it still falls in line with a regular human situation."

---

Second Listener Call: Robert from Michigan – The Couch Conundrum

[34:09] Robert's Furniture Fiasco

Robert, also known as Winnie, a 33-year-old from Michigan, shares his frustration about his roommate consistently sitting in the same spot on his newly purchased high-quality couch. Concerned about uneven wear and the potential for the couch to degrade prematurely, Robert seeks advice on how to address the issue without causing tension.

Key Points:

• Couch Maintenance: Robert emphasizes the importance of preserving his investment by preventing excessive wear in one area.

• Roommate Relations: He worries that asking his roommate to change seating habits might strain their living arrangement.

Gareth's Observation ([37:00]):

Gareth Reynolds: "If someone said to me, hey, I'm worried that you're over sitting in one spot of the couch, I'd be like, what is your problem?"

Advice Offered:

• Humorous Solutions ([40:27]): Jake and Gareth propose creative and humorous strategies to encourage his roommate to diversify their seating. Suggestions include introducing a stuffed animal as a playful reminder to change spots or creating an "ass chart" to track and incentivize couch rotation.

• Practical Communication ([44:47]): They advise Robert to communicate his concerns casually, possibly by sharing the humorous suggestions with his roommate to ease the conversation.

Notable Quote ([43:33]):

Gareth Reynolds: "We could almost, if we wanted to. I think that's, I think that's a good angle. I think that's a good pitch."

---

Follow-Up Call: Robert Revisits Episode 80 – The Circumcision Conundrum

[60:11] Revisiting Past Advice

In a follow-up to a previous episode (Episode 80), Robert shares an ongoing personal issue involving his twin brother's misunderstanding about circumcision. Initially confused by conflicting information, Robert seeks closure and clarity on the matter.

Key Points:

• Miscommunication: Robert recounts a conversation where his family mistakenly believes only one twin was circumcised, leading to misconceptions and embarrassment.

• Resolution Process: Following the hosts' advice, Robert attempted various humorous and unconventional methods to confirm his brother's circumcision status, ultimately leading to a resolution where his brother acknowledged the misunderstanding.

Notable Quote ([73:34]):

Gareth Reynolds: "If you're gonna make it. Okay, gotcha. Thank you. Thank you. Go ahead."

Advice Revisited:

• Humorous Persistence ([70:03]): The hosts encourage maintaining a lighthearted approach while addressing sensitive topics, reinforcing the importance of clear communication.

• Confirmation and Closure ([75:17]): They emphasize the necessity of factual verification to prevent future misunderstandings, advising Robert to seek direct answers to ensure peace of mind.

---

Hosts' Banter and Additional Insights

Throughout the episode, Jake and Gareth intersperse their advice with playful banter, showcasing their long-standing friendship and comedic chemistry. Topics range from aging gracefully and maintaining personal health to humorous takes on everyday roommate issues. Their light-hearted approach makes complex and sometimes sensitive issues more approachable for listeners.

Notable Banter:

• On Aging and Plastic Surgery ([03:00]):

  Jake Johnson: "Actors don't age well... I can't be 65 with 42 necklaces."

• On Friendship and Health ([09:19]):

  Gareth Reynolds: "We're guys who care about health. We're guys who try. We pretend we don't, but we try."

---

Conclusion

Episode 170 of "We're Here to Help" effectively combines relatable life challenges with the hosts' signature humor and empathy. Whether navigating the complexities of changing friendships or sharing living spaces, Jake and Gareth provide thoughtful, entertaining advice that resonates with their audience. Their ability to address both serious and trivial issues with equal flair makes this episode a standout addition to their 15-year friendship-based podcast journey.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Gareth Reynolds ([17:50]):

  "This feels like the reverse opposite of a call that should be coming into our show. Our show should be how do I convince my friends to keep partying."

• Gareth Reynolds ([25:05]):

  "The whole thing. The transition in 30s to 40s out of 20s is it really does start. The hard liquor kind of filters itself out. But the day drinking starts to take on a charm because it still falls in line with a regular human situation."

• Gareth Reynolds ([37:00]):

  "If someone said to me, hey, I'm worried that you're over sitting in one spot of the couch, I'd be like, what is your problem?"

• Gareth Reynolds ([43:33]):

  "We could almost, if we wanted to. I think that's, I think that's a good angle. I think that's a good pitch."

• Gareth Reynolds ([73:34]):

  "If you're gonna make it. Okay, gotcha. Thank you. Thank you. Go ahead."

---

For more episodes and to participate, listeners are encouraged to email their questions to [e-mail].

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Gemini.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jake. It is to us. Gemini was an American gladiator, but not to the kids of today. We're talking exams, essays. This is stressful stuff. We went through it. We were on our own.

[Jake Johnson]

But Gemini is offering something really great for college students. So if you are a listener of We're Here to help and if you want a little extra help, you. Gemini Advanced is now free for college students in the United States of America. Sign up before June 30th and you'll get free access all the way through Spring Finals 2026. So Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's sometimes like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes, like, if I'm writing something for my. Their show. It's just like a way to kind of have something info. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, okay, now I actually get this. Now I can personalize it.

[Jake Johnson]

Visit Gemini Google slash students to learn more. Terms apply.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back.

[Jake Johnson]

And by the way, I gotta throw some heat at NAT Attack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

Because she's not here and we can attack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. That's the note. How dare she?

[Jake Johnson]

She asked us to do this. Just the two of us, correct?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

She said, hey, could you guys do a little intro? Start at 8:30, I'll come out at 9. And you know, we said as goddamn, of course we can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's easy.

[Jake Johnson]

We would love to, it's fun. But we've also brought up the fact that neither of us think about this until we get the email from her with the zoom link. Isn't this all accurate? Just. I'm just trying to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We just talked about it last session.

[Jake Johnson]

We talked, literally just talked about and how you were saying sometimes you. When you check the email, it's all last minute, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Every time I sign on to do this show, it's like someone walked into my place and said, do it now. There's a link. And then I freak out.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like the house is on fire.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, get out. That's how I act.

[Jake Johnson]

So. And you've made that very clear. And guess what? I relate to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, look at us. You look like you're a cop at a Grateful Dead show who's undercover trying to buy a dime bag, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

I am. That's who I am. I'm rule Book you. Are you even back? What? I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have criminal energy.

[Jake Johnson]

You know who I really am? Leonardo DiCaprio from the Departed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow, that is tough. That's real.

[Jake Johnson]

That's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

I want that movie. I went like this. That's my life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's my guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Never related more. My man. What are you? Well, I'm not a gangster, but I'm with the gangsters. And I'm also going to stab you in the neck because I'm all turned around, I can't sleep, I'm going to. I'm Donnie Brasco. There's no character I've ever related to more than Johnny Depp.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're a successful entertainer and you're living Donnie Brasco.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I go back to my wife and she's like, what's going on? I'm like, I'm going to backhand you because I'm in the mafia, by the way. Donnie Brasco, what a movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What a movie.

[Jake Johnson]

Pacino in that era.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Crush. Honestly, Johnny Depp too, just starting to peak.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what though, if you look at the way both of those men look now, great actors, actors don't age well. And this is what I've been saying. There's a point where you got to go, it's very cool to go this deep and live in another universe. Then there's a point you got to go, I can't be 84 years old with jet black hair and a newborn baby. You know, guess what? I can't be 65 with 42 necklaces.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know who's who has crushed it in that way is Nicholson. Jack Nicholson basically was like, I'm out, I'm getting heavy.

[Jake Johnson]

Like I saw signing autographs eating hamburgers at Lakers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like remember we saw him on the balcony for the first time like two years ago and everyone was like, oh my God. It was like, well, this is an 84 year old man. But I saw signing boat. I saw. It's amazing. I saw him signing autographs on like a TMZ thing the other day and someone was like, jack, will you ever act again? And he was like, nope.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm acting to stay alive now. I'm acting like a walrus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm pretending I'm human still.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm pretending I'm human and not a walrus by the way. You're right. And then you look at Pachin and you'll see him walking down the street, a jet black wig on his hair, just going like hoah. Gotta go one more and you're like, hey, Al, it's over. But also it's the thing about actors. It's hard, though. But it's the thing about actors I love and hate. It's like, it's a wonderful profession. We do cool stuff. But also everybody's got to take it easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There are a fucking. There are loopholes though, Jake, because Pacino. Pacino is like dating like a 30 year old, so he definitely lame. Also. I completely agree. Grow. You do like Vilachek Belichick. Now his girlfriend is like 25. Like, bro, what are you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

But also to pretend that. To pretend you have no inner thoughts about the disgustingness you're putting on top of this 25 year old. Imagine just the. A little bit of ego you must have where you're like, God, she looks great getting out of the shower. And then she goes, get in bed. And you go, yeah. And then you go. She goes, take your shirt off. And you go, I swear to God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, dude, I would have the clapper. I'd be like, lights.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, not only the clapper, I would have. I would have a glory hole in our bedroom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ah, that's with a belly carve out so that your gut can fit into it.

[Jake Johnson]

This is my eyes and my dick going through it. So I'm like, let me see you. But I swear to God, it's just. Imagine I'm anything but this. Disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You have like a painting of a hot guy over the glory hall. Like, what?

[Jake Johnson]

Honest to God, honey, whatever you want. I want to see the real you. Look at me. Look at me. It's. It's disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A green. Green screened in Mark Wahlberg over just where your eyes pop.

[Jake Johnson]

There's not enough Viagra in the world to keep my own dick hard. If I look like Bill Belichick, it doesn't work. And you know, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, I know, but. Okay, I'm going to. I'm going to say there's a loophole. And I think about him all the time. The men. Because I think we're women too, but men, really, when they're pushing it.

[Jake Johnson]

Harry Styles with his perm. Right now. I'm hanging up. And that's the end of the intro.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't hang up. Zooms. You leave them.

[Jake Johnson]

Blackout merch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe still. Oh, come. But he was very handsome to begin with.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but, Gareth, this is where you and I are different. And I mean this seriously. This isn't us going in our same rhetoric. This is real. I think you think a little bit of plastic surgery Is okay. And I don't think it's okay at the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right at if you. What he did. I think there's something there. There's something there.

[Jake Johnson]

But this goes back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also do think this goes back.

[Jake Johnson]

To our Curly and Perm debate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it does. The stuff. It's not for the. It's not. It is debate. It's not a debate. It's not a permit.

[Jake Johnson]

Fine. But I don't want to go in the weeds on that then. Curlin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, because then you're winning that argument. Because I am on the road and people are like, hey, where's the. How's the perm? And I'm like, hey, I'm not going to fight this battle with strangers. Well, that I have to win this in the gridiron with you.

[Jake Johnson]

That's because the Internet is funny. But here's what I'll say. And that. But that goes to the core of what our conversations have been about it. I think like Popeye, you are what you fucking are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. I don't push back on that.

[Jake Johnson]

But a little bit of plastic surgery means you ain't what you ain't. Because spinach might make you strong, but Popeye's not going like this. I'm going to have my spinach and a little nip tuck on the neck.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't even. I'm not even suggesting necessarily terrible Popeye.

[Jake Johnson]

I've never done one before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is not great. I'll be honest.

[Jake Johnson]

But not terrible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not terrible for a first. My, my.

[Jake Johnson]

Give me two weeks on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My push is more I. Popeye to sail a man.

[Jake Johnson]

I found it. I pop by the sailor man. We both know it. You're freaking out. I said, I got two impressions. Keep going.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you know, I also. The song just was on repeat. It got sad the third.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't have the next thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I can't. I can't remember it. But it's more just the maintaining like the main.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but Rob. But once you cheat and you put a little bit of nip tuck and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A needle, I think the hairstyle is not a cheat. The face creams or those things are not cheats. I agree. That look, what you're arguing against is the Al Pacino where he looks constantly surprised.

[Jake Johnson]

But that's what he looks like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yo, he looks like he's in a church. And you know what?

[Jake Johnson]

I would like to host. We're Here to Help who? A beauty contest for men over 75 who have no work done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

And I Want a. I want a bikini bottoms. I want a oiled up flexing title. But you know, we're going for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not going for this new era steroid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hgh.

[Jake Johnson]

But guess what? You got to work out. You got to eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's what I. I like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I don't want the walrus. Guess what? I don't want to be at 80. I don't want to be a goddamn walrus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they care.

[Jake Johnson]

This. You and I are guys who care about health.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We're guys who try. We pretend we don't, but we try. I'm working out four or five days a week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Rudy Garcia. I'm throwing weights around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's just trying to keep. Just trying to not lose the battle so fast.

[Jake Johnson]

That's it. Yeah, that's it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys, guess what's happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's coming. I hear the footsteps.

[Jake Johnson]

The footsteps here. The footsteps are chasing me, by the way. I'm chasing them. I'm the footsteps.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're like. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Like. Remember when I was hearing you take me? I love that nip and the tux and the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love. I love beauty. I mean, are we serious? Can we do this? Is this just. This is. Let's be honest, this is something that never happens.

[Jake Johnson]

You never.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could we talk to Morgan and maybe try to do something.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Morgan would. So. Gareth, it's. I'm the one who would do it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well then it's not going to happen.

[Jake Johnson]

It might.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe there's an outside force.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the Patreon who could maybe contact us and suggest they could somebody or.

[Jake Johnson]

One of our emails. But the idea what we'd be looking for and you know we might want to start with is just online.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. How about this submission?

[Jake Johnson]

So submissions of great looking men. Guess What? Men or women, 75 plus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No plastic surgery, no work, just health. Oh, natural.

[Jake Johnson]

And guess what? Let's see what we got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If I may. I know I say it at the end of the show. I'm going on tour. Go to my website, GarethReynolds.com I'm all.

[Jake Johnson]

Across the east coast and so I think with this maybe we wrap up our first intro. Oh, Nat attack. Let me just end on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go cook.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks. So she sends a zoom link to Gareth and I right before 8:30. At 8:26 I get on it. It's for a 9am start. That's when we're doing the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That one is.

[Jake Johnson]

So then I send you a zoom link. Gareth, you're not on. No And I go, I'm texting you. You're texting me. And I go, well, it's because NAT Attack. Pulled a NAT attack. Because what she does is she's sneaky, Gareth. She's sneaky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake. Look, she's sneaky.

[Jake Johnson]

Jake, talk to me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's gonna hear this.

[Jake Johnson]

I know she is. She's saying it like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's gonna be upset. And without further ado.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by something that I have in my home, and that is Skylight Calendars. Skylight Calendar is basically your old school calendar made digital. It looks like a calendar. You see it like a calendar. It's not like the calendars on your phone. You can visually see it in that old school way, which I love. But it can also put things on from your technology, which makes it easier. I bought one from my wife. She loved it. We talked about in the show and now they are sponsors. It's pretty full circle. Skylight Calendars. And I like it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're very happy to have this sponsor because Jake and I were talking just about how hard it is for us to keep our calendars straight. You know, whether you're someone who uses sticky notes or you just kind of get lost in your calendar, Skylight Calendar is here to keep your family organized. So right now, Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcal.com here to help. Go to skylightcal.com Here to help for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That is S-K-Y L I G H T C A L.com here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

This podcast is sponsored by the Crisp, the Refreshing and Angry, or Charity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Jake, you don't sound angry when you talk about it, because why would you be? Listen, guys, there's a litany of things that we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be.

[Jake Johnson]

I get angry at stuff, Gareth, such.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As, Mr. Johnson, your perm. Stop. I'm soaking wet. Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Today, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, your anger at the perm. I told you, you're going to see my movie and you know it's going.

[Jake Johnson]

To be, oh, it was a ridiculous face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not even a permit. I don't know what's happening.

[Jake Johnson]

I get angry at your love of the Packers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I get angry at your delusion over the Bears.

[Jake Johnson]

I get angry at the draft in Green Bay where you just looked around and my mother, who lived in Manitowoc I'm like, oh, look at this city.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And people talking about.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's like, go back. And I was like, I'm feeling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They had a great draft. Listen, don't get angry about all the things that we talked about, except for Jake's kind of obsessive relationship with the bears that they've never fulfilled him. For 1985, I was alive for one time. And instead, get an angry orchard and feel good, feel chill and refreshed, not getting pissed off, but have a tasty, angry orchard. Okay. Angry Orchard is the number one hard cider in the country. Has a bright, crisp apple flavor. I just had one the other day, Jake. It's just like biting into a fresh apple. Something we all want to do.

[Jake Johnson]

So grab an Angry Orchard cider today. Don't get angry. Get orchard. And please drink responsibly. Hello.

[Michelle]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

How are you? How are you?

[Winnie]

I'm good.

[Michelle]

How are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Good. Can we get your first name, please?

[Michelle]

Yeah. Michelle.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Michelle, everything going good today?

[Michelle]

Oh, it's going, you know, great.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Michelle, where are you calling from?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not great.

[Michelle]

I'm calling from Texas.

[Jake Johnson]

We're in Texas.

[Michelle]

I'm in Dallas.

[Jake Johnson]

Dallas. I stayed in Dallas doing a movie years ago. So much whiskey, so much Lone. Lone Star.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Just a dangerous area to be at a certain age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great town.

[Jake Johnson]

How old are you, Michelle?

[Michelle]

I am 32.

[Jake Johnson]

32. And how many siblings you got?

[Michelle]

I got one sibling, one brother.

[Jake Johnson]

Older or younger?

[Michelle]

Older.

[Jake Johnson]

See the baby? Huh? Do you feel like the baby in the group?

[Michelle]

Not as much as I'd like to be. I like to be like 25, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I don't mean how old you are.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

I meant, like, in terms of you and your sibling.

[Michelle]

I don't know if you can hear my dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Michelle. What the hell's happening?

[Robert]

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd say so.

[Michelle]

He's got. He's got big. Older brother bites.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. And what's your dog's name?

[Michelle]

His name's Sunny.

[Jake Johnson]

Sunny. And what's my dog's name? Is Sunny, too.

[Michelle]

No way. What kind of dog do you have?

[Jake Johnson]

Many. Miniature Australian shepherd kind of mix.

[Michelle]

Oh, mine's a little poodle guy.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, they're great dogs. My dog can go without a leash. Can yours?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, hers can. I'll answer. Listen to the thing.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Michelle, what can we do for you?

[Michelle]

Okay, so to set this up so, you know, I'm 32, so me and my husband, we have a great friend group. We. For the Most part all met, like, in college. So, like, late teens, early 20s. Right. We're now all in our early 30s.

[Robert]

Most of us are married.

[Michelle]

Several of us have kids. Most of us have really stressful jobs. We're all tired. However, we have one friend who is really not ready to let the party go. And it's just really determined to keep it going.

[Jake Johnson]

Yep.

[Michelle]

At that same pace, you know, that you did when you're, like, 21 and the old metabolism was really firing cylinders.

[Jake Johnson]

Do they put curling cream in their hair?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Michelle, can you hear us? We're having some. Go ahead.

[Michelle]

Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, good. Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake just broke up for a second, so keep going. You have one friend who's very youthful, probably attracts a lot of great attention. And everybody. Everybody's into it, demands it. What. What would we call this friend? Just to name it.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it a boy or a girl?

[Michelle]

It's a boy.

[Jake Johnson]

Can we call it Gareth?

[Winnie]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. So you got a Gareth.

[Michelle]

Yeah, we can call him Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely. Unfortunately, I will have a bias going into the advice on this one.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so keep going, though. So let's get off of Gareth, unfortunately.

[Michelle]

And get back to you.

[Jake Johnson]

So you. Okay, well, your group of friends. Yeah, we'll give him some space. So he doesn't like the space. So your group of friends has all been growing up except for this one guy. Let's call that friend. Let's just call him Blue Jay.

[Michelle]

Blue Jay, perfect. That's actually his real name.

[Jake Johnson]

No, Blue Jay. Blue Jay is still looking to party like he's 25.

[Michelle]

You got it. You nailed it. And Blue Jay, it's not just that he himself would like to continue to party like he's 25. It's like, it's. He would. He would like all of us to continue to party like we are 25 and become, you know, has, like, a little. A little existential crisis if we don't.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean kind of get, like, buying shots when you're out, and when you guys say you don't want to because you have to go home or you have to get up early, kind of takes it personally and.

[Michelle]

Right, right, right. You got it. You got it. Yes. Believe that, you know, if we don't keep the party going, that we are all getting old and boring and just end it all. Let me give you an example. Example. So, you know, we're in Texas. The bars here closed at 2. So if we're out at the bars, you know, one time a few weeks ago, My husband and I left at 1:40. We were tired. Time to call it 20 minutes before the bars closed. Several weeks later, we're hanging out. This gets brought up again about, you know, how lame you guys are that you didn't even stay until the bar is closed. Right. So we got a real degree of I don't know or what.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Okay, so what is the specific question? We can. I mean, it's not going to be an easy one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Because it's a good setup.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a good setup. But what's going to be hard about it is we don't. We don't have the guy on the line with us. This would be easier if it was him, but let's see what we can do. So what is the specific question we could try to help you with?

[Michelle]

Okay. Okay. So I would say the specific question is, how do we help our friend understand that it's okay to, you know, to slow down, not go out all the time. And this doesn't mean that we're old and boring and our friendships are dying, comma, so that we can all know some peace, including him.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me just say something. Let me just say something. To start, this feels like the reverse opposite of a call that should be coming into our show. Our show should be how do I convince my friends to keep partying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This would be the one. The guy we should be hearing from. Blue Jay. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because helping you, I'm like, yeah, we could give you some, like, straight advice, but I'm like, that's not what our show is. And that's not why people are tuning in while driving to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's hard to. I honestly, I do remember this very much. Like, I definitely hung up. I hung in. I was hanging in there long.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shots were still a part of my life till mid-30s.

[Jake Johnson]

Same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And to the point where other people are like, yeah, we don't do that anymore. And I was like, yeah, come on, we're here. Yeah, we're here. That's how I would always feel.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not always here. When we're here. Let's go for it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

But I got a question for you really fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But this is one for Gareth. But I want you to hear this too, because we're not trying to paint a picture. Let's say you and I did a live show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I would say we went to Denver.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

The only reason I say that is direct flights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. You've said Denver a lot. It feels like you've.

[Jake Johnson]

It's easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Targeted A spot. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's say we go to Denver. Berg's there, Eric's there. It's fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

We finish the show. Good job, man. Great. We go to a bar. You're telling me you and me aren't getting shots?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They'll be. They can. There can be shots. There can be shots.

[Jake Johnson]

Which means we're Blue Jay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're not. We're. We're. We're not perennial. So we're basically. We can be Blue Jay. We. Occasional Blue Jersey. Occasional Blue Jay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's our pitch to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what I would. This is my question because I think to what Jake was alluding to at the beginning. Do we feel like Blue Jay. Is Blue Jay going out every night? Are we talking about, like, does Blue Jay have an issue or. Your issue is that Blue Jay just when you're out with Blue Jay, really wants to turn it up.

[Michelle]

Right, Right. So something that. No, Blue Jay does not have an issue.

[Jake Johnson]

No. And even if he does, that's not that we're not the show to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, no, that's what I was gonna say. I don't think we can. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

The only reason I really stopped being Blue Jay was I started working more as an actor. I had early call times and then I had kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So you guys are right at that age where once the kids happen, it's all going to be very clear. I'm not going out with Blue Jay. I'm getting up at 6am but right now, there's that moment before where people are like, I gotta get home and walk my dog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

And you're like, what? And I remember where people are like, yeah, me and Stacy moved in together. We have a dog. Our dog can't be alone for more than six hours. And I'm like, I'm Blue Jay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I know.

[Jake Johnson]

Take a shot with me. Your dog's gonna be fine. Worst case scenario, shit's on your floor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I'm Blue Jay.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm Blue Jay. I'm buying. I was in a commercial last week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Remember that?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When someone would get a commercial, someone would get a commercial. It would be go time.

[Jake Johnson]

I got $9,000 coming into the next corner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, really? Here's my question. What time are we all going out? When we go out with Blue Jay?

[Jake Johnson]

8 till 2 sometimes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Blue Jays, Blue Jay in the studio. Michelle, what time are we meeting up with Blue Jay?

[Jake Johnson]

As soon as you guys are ready, I could start a date. You guys want to pregame?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Actually, we're not talking to where close Your eyes, Gareth.

[Jake Johnson]

You're her. I'm Blue J. Okay, close your eyes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If this ends in a kiss, I'm okay with it.

[Jake Johnson]

Why would it end in a kiss?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't have to.

[Jake Johnson]

But why would it end in again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

Action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is your.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that curling cream I smell?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Michelle. What? The question remains, what time are we all meeting up for? For drinks? When are we going out?

[Jake Johnson]

Nine o' clock?

[Michelle]

I feel like eight or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, stop it. Here's what I'm gonna pitch. You gotta start incorporating day drinking. Day drinking, Nobody's not a bad idea. Nobody lasts until bar close. When day drinking happens, you can day drinking, you can hang in there longer.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a good idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can go from two, you could go from noon.

[Jake Johnson]

You can.

[Gareth Reynolds]

To seven.

[Jake Johnson]

But then you tell Blue Jay we're starting at 10am and he'll go, 10am yeah, you can go, come on, Blue Jay, you little.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you can mix in water. That way you can meet up on a Sunday. You start a little earlier, you can incorporate that. There's not. And Blue Jay can look, hang out forever. But there, nobody has the expectation. 14 hour hangout.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth is dead right. The way you beat Blue Jay is he goes, shots. And you go, nah, I'm tired. And you go like this. Hey, but next Saturday, let's do a day drinking thing. Let's start at 10. He'll go noon. And you go, no, 10. Start at nine, blue J. And you'll go nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then when he goes nine, go. Yeah, you're 32, bro.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's go. What do you think? You're a 19? Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Time shame in the other direction.

[Jake Johnson]

So whenever. Whenever I tease Gareth about his hair, he doesn't just take it. He teases me about the fact that I didn't wear a shirt to work today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Or that he drank from some lady's hose when he got locked out of the car. Or that he has a dummy with lockers that he goes in and he kisses and he wrestles with it. Stuff like that. That he has a little outside shed where he goes. And he has a bunch of ants in it, that he wants to have a menagerie of fake gorillas. And that when we point out that it's a problem and it keeps becoming more and more of a problem, he still wants anyway, you know what we're saying?

[Jake Johnson]

So the point is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

The new thing Gareth does is he edits his own bits with the. Do you see what we're saying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm saving the. I'M saving the crew some time. I know they're getting cut. I know they're getting cut. They're trimmed. They're trimmed.

[Jake Johnson]

They're not trimmable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're trimmable.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not trimmable.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Part of my charm is I'm untrimmable.

[Jake Johnson]

Your hair is untrimmable. It's got so much cream in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not. You need a slight trim. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's my, here's my point that I'm trying to make, right? He comes at you about two. You come at him at nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

He goes, how about a shot? You go like this. I'll see you at 8am tomorrow morning. Let's go for a jog. And then blah, blah, blah. And he's like, what do you think? Let's go. You're 32 years old, so there's never. He feels I can't just attack the 2am because they're now attacking a new game. It's like the board game Risk if you've ever played it. You can easily attack. You can attack to the right, but be careful if you don't have armies to the left.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

So if you got to spread your armies all around your border, you can't attack 2am if you can't wake up at 8.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's, it really is an adjustment that does happen with age.

[Jake Johnson]

And people do it to you the first time someone does it to you, where they go like. Because I was such a late night guy. Oh, yeah. My buddy Clay Allen was the one where I'd be like, you're going home at midnight? And he'll be like, yeah, I'm taking a hike. When the sun comes up, you want to come? And I'm like, yeah, we'll just stay up all night.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And he's like, no, dumbass, we're going to sleep. I'll call you in the morning. I was like, no, no, I, I, I'm gonna sleep until 11. Like, I'm 14 going through puberty. My body's changing. Not 14, 17. But. But that is an idea. What do you think of that? Viewing it like the game of Risk and moving the pieces around the border, the night is one vulnerable spot, but so is the morning. With the incorporation of let's do a day drinking thing. And if we're gonna party, we start at noon in this group. Because Everybody's done by 7:00pm yes.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Okay, so y' all are making some great points here. I have some, I have some thoughts and. Okay, you might think starting at noon that day drinking, you know that no one can make it till 2. But he only did, however, cocaine, where we met up, you know, day drinking, brunch, whatever. We're doing somebody's birthday, who knows? And, you know, to be like seven, we're all fucking drunk, we're tired, ready to go home. And he's like, what, I thought we were going out tonight. And literally nobody has said that. But nonetheless, however, I think you've hit. You've hit on an Achilles heel here, which is he is aggressively not a morning person.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Michelle]

And either I, at 32, love to sleep until 11. However, I'm willing to sacrifice all this little problem we have.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you could sleep until 11 and still pull off a solid day drink.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but she's talking about the converting the night. The power that Blue Jay has to push the night to push it to the morning.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, he does it do the morning. He can date. What she just said was he can day drink and then go till 2am so if he goes, come on, you have a drink going this, hey, tomorrow I'll pick you up at 8am let's get breakfast brunch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A brunch. A wet brunch is pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But we don't have to push the drink in at first. I think we're getting away from that and going more towards the. Just wake him up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that what you're thinking?

[Michelle]

I think this can work. And to be clear, we're not. We're not opposed to the drinking. It's the, you know, drinking at home is best drinking.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So great. Especially at 32, you're still partying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole thing. The transition in 30s to 40s out of 20s is it really does start. The hard liquor kind of filters itself out. But the day drinking starts to take on a charm because it still falls in line with a regular human situation.

[Jake Johnson]

What it transitions into is. Is one hit of weed and a little bit of day drinking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then it transitions to, like a weird spritzer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then it transitions into like, one delicious cocktail. And then it starts transitioning into like, somebody's grilling really good foods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then before you know it, you're just having like a drink or two at a really nice barbecue or a grill.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. Because, honestly, it started like, it starts to be like wine or like IPAs. It kind of just takes on this kind of lamer.

[Jake Johnson]

And then there's kids around, and all of a sudden you're like, yeah, this is just different thing. And Then everybody's got to leave by seven to put the kids to bed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Because one of the guys has to go wrestle a dummy in his little weird locker.

[Jake Johnson]

Shit, I wouldn't call you a dummy. And we wrestled once.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it. So, Michelle, I think I would say what we're going for here is kind of let's jet lag Blue Jay a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's see if we can daylight save time, schedule a little bit. I think if you could start. Just start earlier, you're definitely not going to get shamed by it. And honestly, if Blue Jays, like, I can't show up at 11am for drinks.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what we're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You go, what? Who the fuck can't wake up at 11 earlier?

[Jake Johnson]

9:30.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You kind of flip it on. On Blue Jay. 9:30? Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

We're starting at 9:30. We're doing mimosas in the morning.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bottomless mimosas. What do you think of that overall, Michelle? Are we in the zone?

[Michelle]

I think this is good. You know, I think it puts the power back in the group's hands. I like it. I think the alternate pitch that y' all didn't actually pitch is, but that I'm getting from the subject is that we need to get Blue Jay to have a kid and that that would solve this problem altogether.

[Jake Johnson]

Wasn't the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no. Jesus Christ. What are you talking.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think Blue Jay needs to be a dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Blue Jay's not coming back to the nest with worms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We don't need a kid getting like a rum cocktail spilled on his Bjorn.

[Jake Johnson]

We also don't need in 17 years a caller going like. Like, how do I get my dad, Blue Jay, to love me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're not trying to lump responsibility on Blue Jay. Blue Jay is going to Blue J.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just saying to Blue Jay, mornings are cool, too. And what's then it's going to do is he's just going to get tired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You got to wear the Blue Jay out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You'll log some hours. It feels like you're present. You're not expected to make it till 2am day drinking might help. It's a good. It's. It's time.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it's time. All right. Will you follow up with us?

[Michelle]

I will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. I got to regatto. All right, bye. Hello.

[Robert]

Hello.

[Michelle]

I love shorts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, then you haven't seen every pair, that's for sure. Can we get your. Your name where you're calling from and you can hit us with an approximate age, that's fine.

[Robert]

Yeah, we're gonna go with Winnie from Michigan, and I am approximately 33.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounds like it's an interesting choice of names.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that your real name?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Robert]

Winnie. Yeah, my full name is Winnie the Bish.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what I figured.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's a weird answer.

[Jake Johnson]

You had full on Winnie the way it's still what I refer to as Lamar all the time. Because there's no better thing to call a buddy when we're always messing with each other. Then what's up, Winnie the Bish?

[Robert]

Okay, I couldn't agree more.

[Jake Johnson]

So more. I got a question for you, Winnie. What would have been your alternative names that your parents considered giving you? Have they told you?

[Robert]

My dad wanted to name me Marge, and that's when my mom took over the naming of all of my siblings.

[Jake Johnson]

You were gonna be Marge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Marge is a crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

Incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As a man, I know that that's not okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Marge is shy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Marge is just so decisively bus driver who smokes.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Robert]

And not short for anything either. Not short for Margaret, just Marge.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Terrible.

[Jake Johnson]

Winnie the Big Winnie, AKA Marge. What was the last weird text you sent or received off the top of your head? Go.

[Robert]

Oh, my sisters and I are sending each other some pretty bad memes about the death of the Pope and J.D. vance's recent visit to him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're grim reapering J.D. vance with his Pope visit?

[Michelle]

A little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so, Winnie Michigan, 33, aka Marge. What do you got?

[Robert]

Yeah, so my problem is about a month ago, I bought my very first piece of, like, real adult furniture. So far, all my furniture in my house is like, hand me down side of the road, Goodwill find.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember.

[Robert]

But I decided to invest in a really nice couch.

[Jake Johnson]

I love this.

[Robert]

It arrived about a month ago. It's been super exciting, awesome to have in the house. The problem is my roommate, since I got this new couch, just spends so much time on it, which I get because it's an awesome couch. But she sits in the exact same spot on the couch every single time. And my concern as a new good quality furniture owner is that over time, the couch is going to wear in that spot more than any other spots because it's getting like, quadruple the amount of butt time.

[Jake Johnson]

Woody, you're totally right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Completely. I had a guy one time come over to my place to. He asked me if he could record a podcast, and he came to my place and he sat on the spot on the couch, and the couch was never the same. He. He sat in between the pillows and Sunk it. It was concave forever. Is the roommate size wise average?

[Robert]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Robert]

It's not that her size specifically, it's just that she. She's sitting on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It'll be like from when she gets.

[Robert]

Home to when she gets to bed. She sits in this one spot. And I would say that this is like the second best spot on the couch. Which then ruled it out for me as an option for someplace to sit because it's already getting too much butt time.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear what you're saying.

[Robert]

I need to figure out how to get her to like space out where she sits on the couch. Get it equal attention. I already have asked her to. Not like there was another way she was sitting on the couch that was like really crunching down the back cushions. And so I already asked her to not sit that way on the couch. So now I feel like if I have another ask, I'm like the crazy couch lady.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Robert]

Who needs my couch to be sat on. Exactly. Only one particular way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you guys want to see the couch? We got a picture of it.

[Winnie]

Yes.

[Robert]

And maybe I am.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a beautiful couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a lovely couch. What do we call that couch?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, let's give a little shout out. Where'd you get the couch, Winnie?

[Michelle]

Interior.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Define nice interior.

[Jake Johnson]

Defined when you look at the couch. Yeah. There's a long flat area, then there's the long legged area where you could sit. I'm assuming it's facing a TV of some sorts. Where does she sit?

[Robert]

She sits on the edge where that like big armrest is.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so not where her legs can go up.

[Robert]

No, I think that that's the best spot.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the equivalent where I sat at new girl, where my legs could go up. That's the best seat on every couch. So she takes the other one sit. So she can put her drink on that little coffee table and her left arm is on the couch. Is that correct?

[Robert]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Give her the fucking seat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's your pitch? Give her the seat.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's why, Winnie. She chose the bath. She chose a port seat. Give her the seat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, okay, Winnie, let's say she sits on an. Are you going to feel this? Wherever she sits on the couch.

[Jake Johnson]

I.

[Robert]

Just want her to sit in different spots, different times that she sits on the couch.

[Jake Johnson]

Like I hear what you say, it's.

[Robert]

A big couch, only the two of us that live there. Yeah, I hear there's not. There's actually not a bad spot on the couch. I've sat in all of the spots and they're all really comfortable.

[Jake Johnson]

You just don't want to swaggy bottom in the corner.

[Robert]

Yeah, exactly. And I can't, you know, the, the makeup of the couch is that I can't switch the cushions around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great call. It's a great prop. It's also goddamn conundrum.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Also, Winnie, you've done a wonderful job setting this up. Great job.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, thank you. I. It's. It's tough.

[Jake Johnson]

Conundrum.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's tough because it's a. I'm just putting myself in the roommate's position. If someone said to me, hey, I'm worried that you're over sitting in one spot of the couch.

[Jake Johnson]

It's hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'd be like, what the is your problem? I'd be like, dude, you got a couch. What do you want me to do? You want me to see keep.

[Jake Johnson]

Now you want to manage where I sit?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want me to be rotating where I should be sitting? The only way to really kind of get this out there is to, like, see, like it's going to seem strange. If you bring this up, it may be you want to lean into the strange and make her be like, oh, this is a very strange person. And because she has a couch, I'm going to need to do some strange things to help her with it. There are. I have a couple pitches. I don't know what you have, Jake.

[Jake Johnson]

I got a pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, what do you got?

[Jake Johnson]

So it's going off of that idea where Gareth was saying. And what I would like to kind of create is almost like a stuffed animal creature that sits in that seat that you put there. That, like a throw pillow, decorative thing that you keep putting there. Whenever she sits there, go like, do you mind if I just put this little thing here so she just moves more towards the middle because the middle still has the table. So it's like a joke, like a. We're create, you know, like as a gag, as a really funny thing that you do, Winnie, because you're such a character, is you put a stuffed animal on the couch so you don't like to watch TV alone. And so she knows where that stuffed animal is sitting matters. And some days you put it on the long side, some days you put it in the middle and go like, I'm doing a really stupid. You know, we could do. We could do a Mr. Pigley, Mr. Dr. Piggly, Mr. Mo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It might have to be that them.

[Jake Johnson]

The importance of sitting in different spots on a couch for. To preserve a couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It really is. It's like proper farming has you. You have your four quarters where the cows graze and you move them so that the area where they don't graze has time to recover. We could almost, if we wanted to. I think that's, I think that's a good angle. I think that's a good pitch. Let me pitch a couple others real quick.

[Jake Johnson]

Quick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You could also. This is, this one's not good, but let me just get it out there. You could gift her a chair and be like, I got you a chair, your own chair. And it. You could go, you could like thrift it and bring it back and be like, I want you to have your own space. Like, you could give her something like that. The other, you said she kind of comes home from work and she's. Or whatever, she's kind of hanging around, hanging out in that area for a little bit, right?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you could prep that area before she comes back and you could have like a bowl of popcorn sitting there and your computer sitting next to you. Like you've kind of roped that area off for your stuff and make her adjust and find her new zone. Only. The other. I think we might want to go with Piggly and Mo, but, but also I also think what you could do is if you just want to lean in and just be like, look, I am the owner of a new couch. I. It's. It might seem strange to you, but I've come up with an ass chart. And the ass chart is where we.

[Jake Johnson]

I was about to say no, Gareth, but then the ass charts, very interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We mark on a, on like a bit of poster board. We just mark where we sit each night so that I just make sure for my first couch, the longevity is there. It's like my child right now. So we have. You have your stickers, your orange, and wherever you sit on the couch, let's just track it for the next six weeks. And, and that's just so we know where we're moving. So we know where we're butt grazing from now on. And I know it might seem strange, but I want you to be about a part of this couch.

[Jake Johnson]

Couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also want to get the most out of this couch possible. So I'm charting.

[Jake Johnson]

I think an ass chart is very interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we, we've. I mean, do you have any more. I mean, those, they seem to be good options there. I also. This is the other thing I was going to say, per your. Let's leave a stuffed animal there or something. We could, if you wanted. This is very strange. Too. You could. Could pretend you just got your childhood blanket shipped to you and you haven't seen it in a long time, and it has real meaning to you, and you could just start leaving that there, too. It's just another arrow in the direction of terror. Like, items that you value being in her spot, kind of pushing her away from that zone.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, Winnie, let's go to you for a little bit. What are you thinking?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Robert]

Yeah. So I love the weirdness of the ass chart. However, I have lived with this roommate for two years, so we're friends. She knows me pretty well, so I think anything that's like, that weird, she's just gonna be like, what the hell? What's going on?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That could be what. Mo and Pigley could talk about the ass chart if we wanted. Okay, keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's keep hearing her. Let's keep hearing her.

[Robert]

And I have thought about the approach of just directly owning the fact that I'm now a particular couch owner, which I never was before, and just bringing it up to her. But I do feel like she. Like, she's not doing anything wrong. You know, she's just sitting on a couch. She found a spot she likes. She's sitting on the couch, the spot that she likes. So I don't think she's doing anything wrong. I'm just being annoyed by something that's a very normal thing for somebody to do, and I'm being annoyed by it on a daily basis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Robert]

So I have thought about the just direct approach, but then I'm also like.

[Jake Johnson]

Man, we're not gonna do it.

[Robert]

She already thinks I'm kind of particular.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think about Pigley and Mo?

[Robert]

Honestly, I kind of like that, because here's what I.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I'd recommend you do, is you just send her a text of the audio and you go, really funny. Just heard this clip. It's so funny. It's our couch. Let's keep moving our butts around.

[Robert]

Yeah, I feel like. I feel like that could work, because then I could play myself off as, like, the cool, casual. I wasn't even thinking about this. When it comes to my cat.

[Jake Johnson]

If I'm sitting in the same spot too much, tell me to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's got me thinking. Yeah, tell me too.

[Jake Johnson]

Right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep me butt honest.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep me butt honest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right. I'm. I'm into it. So how do we want to. Let's talk about the longevity of. Why don't we just sort of say we started looking, one of us had a couch issue. Started looking into it, and the sag over 18 months became real. And there is this whole theory, something happening right now about how farmers have their cat. Okay, you want to just get into it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. But before we do it, Marge, is this something you're into? Is there something we should consider? Do you have any thoughts going in?

[Robert]

No, I'm. I'm into this. Let's go.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so let's keep the whole thing, ideally, yeah. Under a minute and a half. And let's do this also. Pretend we're talking about something else. Transition in, and then we'll start talking about something else. So it could be a hard cut. Cut.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

As if she just clipped this one little piece.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Does that make sense?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Why don't we do this? Why don't. Why don't we come in and you're laughing at me a little bit like I'm talking about this, and I'll back it up with some science, and then you can be swung around on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You are. I understand, but you are laughing.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't want to be told where I put my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course you don't. But I'm telling you, over 18 months of having this couch. Couch, I've noticed direct pockets of sag where people are sitting, which is why.

[Jake Johnson]

Because people like to sit in the same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course they do. A routine. But I'm telling you, there is a whole theory, and a lot of this started in Norway, as to how you are sort of. You're moving the bottoms around the couch, and over the lifetime of a couch, you're seeing no sag because people are being respectful. What you're saying, it's very much like how farmers will have the cattle's grazing, corporate quadrants. You have the cattle's graze one area, then when that's done, you move them over, give that some time to refill, repurpose.

[Jake Johnson]

Essentially, what I think you're saying is in order to preserve the lifespan of a new couch, one must rotate their tucus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not only their tucus. Their guests took us as well. It's a whole rotation system.

[Jake Johnson]

That's where you get. I'm not telling my mother in law where to put her tucus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, unfortunately, my face. You're that well. Well, there we go again. Law is the sponsor.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of something like that?

[Robert]

Yeah, I think that's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you into it?

[Robert]

Yeah, I'm into it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, what are you feeling?

[Jake Johnson]

I can't get a sense.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I can't either. Are you into it?

[Robert]

I am. I'M into it.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Robert]

I think that I could text that to her in a way that makes it seem like kind of funny and casual and low key and not let on how particular I'm feeling about.

[Jake Johnson]

And what would you say in the text.

[Robert]

Like, oh, this is so funny. This was on a podcast I was listening to and I didn't even think about this with my new couch. But what do you think about just like swapping up where we sit on the couch?

[Jake Johnson]

We're going to give you another take of Piggly and Mo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like, I like the enthusiasm is there. Let's go. Go.

[Jake Johnson]

3, 2, 1.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You laugh. You laugh.

[Jake Johnson]

It's crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mo, there's a whole. This is a very European thing people talk about. Listen, you do not want to sit in the same spot on a couch over and over again. Of course you do. It's your routine wear and tear. You are talking about removing years and value off of your couch.

[Jake Johnson]

So you said value. You got me interested.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's what I'm saying now.

[Jake Johnson]

You're second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got dollar signs in his eyes. So what you do is you basically do what farmers do. You have the, the butts move after every quarter. Every quarter of a year you rotate to a new farmers move butts. This is what they do so that cattle don't overgraze and ruin the land. So you, every quarter you have someone move to a new spot on the couch. You are talking about getting four times the value out of.

[Jake Johnson]

You're not calling me a cow, are you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Apparently I can't have a serious conversation with my co host yet again, me, Mr. Chuckle.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what else we got to talk about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Get into.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of that?

[Robert]

Yeah, I love it. And I actually just remembered that she and I were having a conversation about like sustainable farming recently. So I feel like the, I feel like the tie in with the moving the cows around to create graze in different parts of the pasture will really resonate.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two, one. More sustainable action.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You, you laugh, you laugh. But what I'm talking about is, what I'm talking, talking about is a way to make the, the life of your couch last four to five times longer. They're doing that. They're talking about this in Sweden, home of ikea, first of all. And it's very similar to how farmers will have their cattle graze different areas of their land. From heard of this.

[Jake Johnson]

So. So essentially what you're saying is the, the cow moves to another area so they don't stomp down the Grass. Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They overeat, they overuse it.

[Jake Johnson]

And then what you're saying then is the cow, being the owner of the couch, smashes down a section of the couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyone, therefore, could be a roommate, could be a significant other. But what you're basically doing is you're now saying, for the long term sustainability of the couch, I'm going to move. We're not going to have our spot on the couch.

[Jake Johnson]

But you could also probably do this If I'm right, Mr. Mo, with beds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mattresses, you could do it with anything. But people notice with couches people are sitting on.

[Jake Johnson]

Also a problem with a mattress.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a problem. It absolutely is. But when we're talking about couches, you need to get everybody who sits on the couch on board with this.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's a fun, you know, it's a fun thing. So everybody out here, as you guys know, we talk about products, we talk about how to preserve products. So everybody listening. Do this at home with your family. Play a game. And everybody switch seats on a nightly basis for one week. Let's move those cows around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not above a bottom chart. Pardon me. It's good to laugh.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, laughter's the best medicine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We go to spots, answers.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of something like that?

[Robert]

I think that that was perfect. I think it's going to be a bell ring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There we go. Well, let's get ahead of ourselves. What's this one?

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody explain something to you about couches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, here we go. Oh, yeah, here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

I parked my keister in the same spot and I ain't changing regardless of what your new science says.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, let me tell you this, then. You are. Why don't you just go ahead and light couch on fire? Because you're making it valueless far faster than anyone else.

[Jake Johnson]

But how am I made? How am I taking away the value? It's the enjoyment of the couch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You are going to be ruining one portion of the couch. One, two, three years later, and then I have a useless couch. So this is. Look, all I'm saying is when a guest comes over to your house, it's not insane to say to them, hey, sit here. I'm worried about the softness and cushiness of this area. Especially if it's someone you live with.

[Jake Johnson]

Especially if it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If it's someone you live with, Mo. Especially if it's someone you live with.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody. You can't sit where you kiss your wife. You know what I would say?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Here's a knuckle sandwich.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I. Well, look, what I would tell them is you're going to turn my couch into a deflated sandwich with.

[Jake Johnson]

With just two pieces of bread but a bean bag.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is a shared item. And it's not out of line to ask someone to move because you've noticed the stink sagging in one of the pillow.

[Jake Johnson]

What about something like that?

[Robert]

I think you guys have gone above and beyond.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, I don't even know. All right, look, let me tell you something. No, Mo, I'm gonna tell you something about telling you. Oh, yeah, here we go. All right, go ahead, argue. Go, go. Why don't you do what you always do? Go.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna do it. Pigs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Mo, go.

[Jake Johnson]

Two cows and a farm. You move them so they don't smush the grass. Am I right or am I right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right. Okay, what is your point?

[Jake Johnson]

When your little ginger comes to my house.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watch your mouth. Watch your mouth.

[Jake Johnson]

You sit in the same seat because it's a great dent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, what do you want from me? What do you want? You want me to come. You want me to come over to your house and ask you, where can I sit on the couch?

[Jake Johnson]

I want you to take initiative. You don't dope. And I want you to move that little butt to one seat. To the other. To the other, to the other, like a regular human being. Because consider a human being a human being.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll be honest. But I'll be honest. Now that you're saying doesn't seem crazy to me to ask someone to kind of move where their butt is a little bit because I'm a bigger fella. So maybe I've been squishing a little too much, too. We're both big guys. No, we're big boys.

[Jake Johnson]

But I sit down in the same.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Seat, I'm gonna ruin the couch. Okay, language. Come on. We're gonna get demonetized again. This clip is gonna get demonetized.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Zuckerberg, give me a break. That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, you make a good point. All right, I'll keep that in mind next time I come over.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what we'll do? We'll both move. I won't take the one area I take. How about this? Every time you and I are watching a game, we switch seats around. Around.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, listeners, I think you're thinking the same thing. Mo's trying to get me to sit right next to him.

[Jake Johnson]

Three, two.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's this one?

[Jake Johnson]

That's the kind of couch I Like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, now listen. Let me tell you something that's a bit distinct about this situation.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm asking you nicely. When you come around my place, do.

[Jake Johnson]

Not like to do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't sit on the same spot over and over again. Again. Because what you've done is you've made indentations on my couch.

[Jake Johnson]

What are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You've made indentations on my couch.

[Jake Johnson]

I've not made no indications.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, you have. Now, all I'm asking you to do going forward is when you come round, scooch a foot to the left. Scoot your foot to the left. That way. You're smooshing the sofa. You've been smooshing the sofa for a long time. You have.

[Jake Johnson]

Spot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look, it's not different than how my father did the farming. You would not have the cows graze the same area. You'd have a move. Let the land regenerate. I'm asking you to let the pillar regenerate.

[Jake Johnson]

I am fine with that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, okay, fine.

[Jake Johnson]

But, but hold on, mate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

You don't have to come at me like I'm some SO A.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because you're laughing at my philosophy.

[Jake Johnson]

No, no, because you're coming at me so hard, bro, like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, look, look, look.

[Jake Johnson]

All I want to do is go to my mate's house, have a point, sit on the couch, watching telly, and all of a sudden.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm asking you to still come around. They're loving you in the mate, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Just calling after me like I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

From now on, don't think of it like a cage. Think of it like a love seat. Because I want love put into that sofa. Forethought. Making sure that that thing has value in five to six years. That's not cheap.

[Jake Johnson]

Content. All you ever about is value.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why do you keep. Look, look, I value our friendship as well. That's. I can't put a price tag on that.

[Jake Johnson]

I value yours too, man, but sometimes you come after me in a way it's not comfortable for me, brother.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why don't I say this then next time you come around, yeah. Will you please just sit in a different spot for a little while and just let one of the couch cushions repair?

[Jake Johnson]

I'd love to. I'd love to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, why don't you come around tomorrow? I'll buy the pints. We can have a nice set. We'll watch a little footy.

[Jake Johnson]

Have a. I'm sorry. I'm walking around at nine stone these days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you, you look, you think. What do I look like Sylvester bloody Stallone.

[Jake Johnson]

You look better than me these days. Stop it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop it.

[Jake Johnson]

I like a point, mate. I like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We all like a paint.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe I like him too much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, there's.

[Jake Johnson]

It's got to the point where you're getting emotional. That's because you said smushing your couch, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I didn't. I never said smushing.

[Jake Johnson]

All I want to do is watch a little footy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All I'm saying is I don't want smooshing upon me old cushion. I'm doing it as well. I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

I love you too. Guess what? Guess what? Note received.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's all I'm asking for.

[Jake Johnson]

What about that one?

[Robert]

You know, I really loved the Scottish accent that Gareth was doing. And whatever accent Jake was doing, I loved it all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right.

[Jake Johnson]

So you gotta.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Before Jake counts down again. Large Winnie, you have 13 options. What we can do is.

[Robert]

I feel really special. I feel like as you should.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know what came a sag. We just became a sag shoot. So this is what you should do. Nat, maybe we could send her all of these and you could pick which one you like best.

[Jake Johnson]

I think that's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Send it, please, roommate. Play it it. Let us know where it goes and let us know the clip and we will. I. I think we have a winner. I think at minimum we've got a good jumping off point into a bigger conversation.

[Robert]

Absolutely, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, well, we appreciate the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Robert]

You guys are the best. Thanks so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Take care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Producer Sherlock here. This next call is a follow up to episode 80. Identical in every way with Max Green. Hi.

[Winnie]

How are you boys doing? Good.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome back to the show. This is a follow up, but we don't know anything else. But I hear a little bit of an accent and that reminds me of a guy who got his dick different than his twin brother. But I don't know as a fact. The floor is yours.

[Winnie]

You are spot on. This is Robert. How are you guys?

[Jake Johnson]

Jake the Max cg. Well, it was because I've re. Listened to oh your and Max's right. When you guys did the. The reaction together. And I was hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that was truly one of the greatest calls. This is one of the greatest problems. Great.

[Jake Johnson]

This was part of the re release. So can you remember, can you remind us your name?

[Winnie]

This is Robert from Kansas.

[Jake Johnson]

Robert Kandas. And can you remind the audience.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of.

[Jake Johnson]

What your first call was? Now it's also on a re release. That was a few weeks back, but it's the Max Greenfield episode. I'm sure you've all heard it, but for the fun of hearing Robert talk. Wobby wob number two, what's going on?

[Winnie]

So a while back after my, my first son was born, my family was over to congratulate. My twin brother and his wife were there and they come to congratulate us. And my wife and his wife got to talking and they said that they wanted to see whether or not see, but they wanted to inquire about whether we were going to have him circumcised. And we said, well, yeah, of course. And they wondered why. And I said, well, because my brother and I are both circumcised. And they thought that was the strangest thing. And when we asked why, they said that, well, because my brother Paul, he's not circumcised. And that, that just floored me and flooring.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, even rehearing it, it is a very strange little situation.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob, I can't wrap my head around this. One of you was circumcised? One was, yeah, according to what he, what he thought.

[Winnie]

And we were amongst companies, so I just kind of let it go and.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so actually that's not true.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I wouldn't let, I wouldn't let it go. I think processing real time, that is also difficult. I mean, you don't have the.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but I, I mostly do that out loud actually, like this. Hold on. Yeah, hold on. On. We have, you have twin boys. You decided to do one with one hog and one without the other hog. Why, why would you ever choose that in a even hearing million years to say slice one, the other one, let it ride?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it like a $5 fee also.

[Jake Johnson]

Slice one, get the other one twins?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it really is. It's like an experiment to be like, what is it like for life with the two different.

[Jake Johnson]

What is. And then you would need to say to your, each guy's wife, if they were also twins, what do you think?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

How does it, how does it fit?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it good?

[Jake Johnson]

Is it better? So keep going, please.

[Winnie]

So it, that's the kind of thing that you, you can't really get out of your head. And that stuck with me for a while. I kept wondering and wondering what was going on. And that was when I, I'd started listening to your show. I was like, man, this is a, this was a tricky one. I need some help with this. And I agree. So I called in and we, we had had some very interesting ideas that we come up with between us and Max.

[Jake Johnson]

And which one did you which, which, what did we come up with that you liked, Rob?

[Winnie]

I think the one we went with was trying to get a peek in a, in a restroom somewhere.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm shocked. That's what we came up with. Our, our pitch was sneak a piece.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gotta go to a bar without the dividers. Have a couple pops. Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting. I, I, I don't know if I'd recommend that again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting sometimes when we hear it back because.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I wouldn't recommend. Try to look at.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We were pitching for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Twin brother. Okay. So, Rob, did we, Is that the one you liked? That one probably pitched a bunch other stuff.

[Winnie]

Yeah, we, we pitched some other stuff. That was the one that I was the most sensible to me. Some of the other ones that were p. Included getting him intoxicated and having him remove his clothes, which was a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bit, I believe that was a max, I believe that was a green field.

[Jake Johnson]

I like that one. Yeah. Get him drunk and take his denim off. So you didn't want to do that, which I fully understand, Rob. So. Hey, man, I can't keep hedging on this one because I'm excited. What the hell happened?

[Winnie]

So I took your advice and as the days went by, we had some, some get togethers and a few public places where I noticed he was going to go to the restroom. And so I followed him. But I kept running into the whole. The world is full of just the partition dividers nowadays.

[Jake Johnson]

Barry, man, you just, you nailed the problem with the world these days.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're all, we're divided in every way. Even our urinal. Urinals. Even our urinals are divided.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going, Rob. Do it in Scranton tonight.

[Winnie]

Well, that was a bit of a dead end.

[Jake Johnson]

And it was. You never saw the hog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just glad you're not calling it a whopper.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks for reminding me. So you tried to get him to unwrap the whopper, but you never saw the meat?

[Winnie]

No, never got there.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, but you probably in this situation saw the cheese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Christ, no, no. Do that thing where you stop yourself. Remember when you just complimented yourself? There you go. Key's gone. Keep going, Robert Br.

[Winnie]

So that was a dead end. My wife and I were talking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It and.

[Winnie]

One of she said, hell.

[Jake Johnson]

Let me see if I can see his whopper. I'll wear a low cut V neck and go over and go, hey, I like the way your brother looks. Do you like the way he's looking? He'll just whip that whopper out of the wrapper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whopper's still tough, Rob. Please Keep going. You're doing great.

[Winnie]

You're fighting so good.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob. I'm doing bad. Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm doing okay. But it looks really good compared to what you're doing.

[Jake Johnson]

But he's right on the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Robert, we need you to talk.

[Jake Johnson]

He's te. It's.

[Winnie]

It's a mix. It's a mixed bag at this point.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Agreed.

[Winnie]

So my wife's sister, Shout Out Elizabeth happened to be over.

[Jake Johnson]

Does she have a nickname?

[Winnie]

Elizabeth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So no.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. That's not a nickname, but unless her name is way longer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Knows the answer there.

[Winnie]

She was visiting.

[Jake Johnson]

But I gotta.

[Winnie]

And we had her listen to the. To the episode and she thought it was hilarious. But she had a great idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Awesome.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd she have?

[Winnie]

The baby book.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, the baby.

[Jake Johnson]

Great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

From Elizabeth Micro feed.

[Jake Johnson]

But who. But. But who prints a photo of the.

[Winnie]

Medical record.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but.

[Jake Johnson]

But the medical record. Do you have Whopper Jr.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Photos? That's not a serious. It's a little bit of a serious question, Robert. In the baby book, are there dick pics of the babies?

[Jake Johnson]

Because I don't remember them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you. I think if you went through my family's picture, you could find a picture of my baby. Baby dick.

[Winnie]

My.

[Jake Johnson]

That you recently took in that Holiday Inn Express.

[Winnie]

I thought it was a good enough idea to. To follow up on. And so.

[Jake Johnson]

So what'd you do?

[Winnie]

So I had my. Took my kids to my mom's house to visit. And while I was there, I just plainly asked. I said, do you have the baby books with me and my brother? Brother. I'd like to compare this generally the. How big my son is compared to how big I was because I was a twin. I wasn't very big.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, I want to get to this.

[Jake Johnson]

No, he means his whole body. Not proper, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry. I was like, if you're gonna make it. Okay, gotcha. Thank you. Thank you. Go ahead. But I was a. I want to see how our dick size up for.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure and then be in using the excuse because I was a twin. It's a twin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wait a minute. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

No, he. When he said because I was a tw and I knew he meant his weight was less.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, keep going, Robert. That was close.

[Winnie]

So we.

[Jake Johnson]

I love you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Over there on a dick.

[Jake Johnson]

Top five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Top five over there on a dick Fish. I love you.

[Jake Johnson]

I invite you top five for a bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're great.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm top five for sure. You'll be a guy I think about long past. We're done with this podcast, Rob. Keep going.

[Winnie]

So as it turned Out. That was also a dead stand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

How so the. Because the Whoppers had rappers.

[Winnie]

There was no information in there whatsoever about it.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting.

[Winnie]

Meaning there's no picture, circumcision record or anything? No mention of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Interesting.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. So then what happened?

[Winnie]

So I was kind of getting to the end of my rope at that point. I wasn't going to ask him to take his clothes off in a public place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But we're not at the end of the rope here yet. This is chapter two, Rob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel like there's more.

[Jake Johnson]

We're getting to the bottom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

If he. Rob, if you haven't already, we're pitching.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fly to where you live and take his pants down in public. We will make this happen. Obviously. No, we're not there yet. So, you know, everything's on the table. Go ahead. Well, whenever you're ready. And you know, there's a nuclear option. Go ahead, bud.

[Winnie]

Him and his wife and I all went to a concert together. And on the way back, I thought this was as good an opportunity as any. And so I just straight up asked him.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. But why after a concert is that as good as a time as any?

[Winnie]

Because it was him and his wife and myself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a reason that doesn't add up to me. What was the concert?

[Jake Johnson]

You're with Heyman is what's the con? Yeah.

[Winnie]

The concert really was irrelevant. It was.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Excuse me. Robert, this is a safe place where we share with each other.

[Jake Johnson]

So by the way, I'm with you. Robert cares about that question, even though I did when he asked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You turned so fast.

[Jake Johnson]

I just gotta sell you out. So. Yeah, but I. I care too. And so I asked. You hadn't been alone with him and his wife.

[Winnie]

Well, I wanted to. It was. It was perfect in my mind because having her there was. You guys are just help clear things up even more.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Because she would know.

[Winnie]

She was. Because it all kind of started with her and my wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Winnie]

She didn't know what was going on either. And so I thought this was a good time as any. So I started just straight up asked him and it was that. It got him off guard.

[Jake Johnson]

Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob. Can you. Can you remember how you said it and just say it so we can hear what happened in that car ride?

[Winnie]

Oh, I don't remember.

[Jake Johnson]

We're just paraphrase as close as you can get.

[Winnie]

I mean, it was. It was probably pretty. Pretty blood. Want.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear it. Golly, let's all close our eyes and pretend we're in that country concert.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe country might have been.

[Jake Johnson]

Doesn't matter though. Could have been CNC music.

[Winnie]

So I set it up, kind of like. But whenever they were over, I just, I said, well, are you, you thinking about, about how to have another kid? And, and I said, if it's a boy, you're gonna have him circumcised. And they said no. And I asked why? He said, well, because he's not. And I said, are you sure that you understand what you're talking about?

[Jake Johnson]

You can ever go back in time and people are like, I'd kill Hitler if I can go back in time. It would just be to sit in the back of that car, just be invisible, Just have like little thing of popcorn, a cold beer, just be like, this is why I want to go back to time travel for this. You sure you know what you're talking about? And the guy driving, going, I think I know what I mean when I'm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Talking about circumcision where you have your penis cut by the doctor. No, that's non circum. I can't wait.

[Jake Johnson]

So then what happened?

[Winnie]

Oh, I just could not get through to him that, that what, his understanding of it and mine were completely different. It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't an in depth conversation or anything, but I said, do you understand what you're talking about? And maybe he was a little embarrassed with his wife there, but they were both on the same page as far as, yeah, we know what it is. And they, they kind of held their ground on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, so he, so the. They still contend he is not circumcised. And, and they answer, you felt to your satisfaction answer, have an understanding of what that actually is.

[Winnie]

Well, by the end of the car ride when we got back home, he, he, the wheels had been turning, I assume. And so he said, yeah, I'll. I'll do some more thinking and research about it and I'll get back to you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Research.

[Winnie]

And I said, okay, that's great, fine. And it's a bit of a let down, I'll admit, but he messaged me the next morning and said, yeah, it turns out you're right. But you're right all along.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He just didn't know what circumcision was.

[Winnie]

Neither him nor his wife.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the best.

[Jake Johnson]

This is wheel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is, this is. Look, honestly, while it is, while, I mean, like you always say, yeah, we ran 15 miles to do it a block, but it's better than not Having the text. This is.

[Jake Johnson]

You want to know, Gareth? We say this sometimes. We've had a couple people on this show, Rob, and I'm not teasing you because you're one of us here, but we've had people on this show who are like, grad students getting their doctorate, and we pitch things and they go like, no, I don't enjoy that idea. We go like, you might not be the right kind of caller, Rob. You are the right kind of caller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is the right completely.

[Jake Johnson]

This will be when I'm doing press and somebody goes, oh, you are doing a podcast. I'll go, yeah, it's called We're Here to Help Them. They go, what's the premise? I go, these are the right kind of calls. A guy who's a twin thinks that his brother said that he was not circumcised, but he's there. And then in the end, he goes, you know what? I just don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, well, also to frame it as. Let me do some research.

[Jake Johnson]

Bravo, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me do some research.

[Jake Johnson]

Google what is. And then he goes like this. Oh, wait, that's what mine looks like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, literally, if you Google circumcision, you'd be like, oh, there it. That's the end of your research.

[Jake Johnson]

There's just two opposite type of hogs. You either got the skin or you don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He. Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Incredible turd. So you guys, in the end, you're both circumcised.

[Winnie]

Correct.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And his wife didn't know. Imagine being the third party and also not know.

[Jake Johnson]

It's. They just. They just don't know what to have two pe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They're perfect for each other. To have two people come together and believe that circumcision is when there's no procedure. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Going, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a. This is a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It really is. It's also. So I. I'm going to think on this for a lot longer than this call. That. This ending. Very strange.

[Jake Johnson]

I think I. I got to say, to me, Rob, it's a bullseye. Really quickly, before we go, how's everything going, Rob?

[Winnie]

Oh, everything's great. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you feel peace now with this in some capacity?

[Winnie]

Yeah, yeah, I do. Yeah. It was. I think it was a more more fun way to go about it than just the. Just point blank asking him.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the. That's the show in the wheelhouse. Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Rob. Bless you.

[Winnie]

You guys take care.

[Jake Johnson]

You too, buddy.

[Winnie]

Bye.

[Michelle]

Jake, do you need a break before.

[Robert]

We let in the next caller?

[Jake Johnson]

Why do I seem like I need one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got a toilet under his desk. Got a toilet under his desk.

[Michelle]

You didn't go to the bathroom when Gareth and Jack.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got a desk toilet.

[Jake Johnson]

I got. I got a diaper. Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Oh, my God, his shorts. I can't wait to talk about his shorts. American flag shorts. I like the way the sun's just coming in right there on your face, Natalie. That's nice, Jake. Nice shorts. Everybody's talking about them.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you going swimming later? What's going. Jake, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but you're right to say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't worry about him.

[Jake Johnson]

You're right to say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Merch.

[Jake Johnson]

Look, when you bust me, I don't have a comeback. They are swim trucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

One thing I like. I like that you own it. It's very good. I'll. I'll mostly push back, but that's pretty good.

[Jake Johnson]

Just real up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And I did think about, by the way.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why she was like, go pee, Jake. She was like, something weird going on.

[Jake Johnson]

Something was up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She knew.

[Jake Johnson]

I won't tell you.

[Robert]

I'm so reluctant to get up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's like, why? What do you know? What did you hear?

[Jake Johnson]

Not accurate.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What did you hear?

[Jake Johnson]

No. This has been an annoying day, cuz I'm getting so many texts. So I keep seeing him, so I use the break. But I did think when you said, go to the bathroom while I stood up, I thought, yeah, oops, oopsie. But I had fully forgotten what I was wearing up to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I had.

[Jake Johnson]

I did. Definitely. Yo. Not ideal.

[Winnie]

Hey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Michelle]

You guys ready?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, boy. We definitely shouldn't tell the caller about the shorts.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Ran Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike. Animations by Andrew Strecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember all the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, I'm Tony Hale. I'm Matt Oberg.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm Kristen Schall.

[Jake Johnson]

And we're going to be hosting the new podcast the Extraordinary, where we are going to be interviewing extraordinary people doing extraordinary things, things that we have never and probably will never do. We talk to people who have broken records on slack lines, suspended by hot air balloons. We're talking to people who have done multiple flips on trampolines. You'll have to tune in to find out how many flips they did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Subscribe to Extraordinarians on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever you get your podcast and watch videos. There's new episodes that we release it every Wednesday.

[Jake Johnson]

We do. I've never seen you cry before. I know.

[Winnie]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

This is upsetting for all of us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They don't let us break for lunch.

[Jake Johnson]

They do podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's so competitive. They make you just talking.

[Jake Johnson]

Guys, we're watching a spin out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Please subscribe.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Extraordinarians.

[Michelle]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelppod.