176: Samples & Raised by Elves

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 176: "Samples & Raised by Elves"

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Episode Overview

In Episode 176 of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds tackle two unusual and humorous dilemmas submitted by their listeners. From a father’s bizarre habit of stealing toilet paper to the challenges of incorporating role-playing into a friends-with-benefits relationship, Jake and Gareth provide their unique blend of advice, peppered with witty banter and insightful suggestions.

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1. Caller Story: Toilet Paper Theft

Timestamp: [15:02] – [37:04]

Caller: Sarah, a 41-year-old from Georgia, shares her predicament involving her father’s escalating behavior of stealing toilet paper from her household. What began as occasional requests during his visits has devolved into outright theft, causing strain and confusion within her family.

Key Points Discussed:

• Initial Behavior: Sarah’s father initially asked for rolls of toilet paper during visits, claiming inconvenience in stopping by stores.

  Sarah (15:21): “My dad would come and visit and at the end of his visit, typically he would say, do you have a roll of toilet paper I could take.”

• Escalation: Over time, his requests turned into stealing multiple rolls covertly, with no apparent financial distress.

  Sarah (16:13): “He just steals toilet paper, which is really weird stuff.”

• Family Dynamics: Despite his odd behavior, Sarah emphasizes her father’s good nature and the puzzling nature of his actions.

  Sarah (16:19): “He's a great dad. Great dad, great grandfather.”

Hosts' Advice: Jake and Gareth offer several unconventional and humorous strategies to address Sarah’s issue:

• Hide the Toilet Paper: Relocate the toilet paper to obscure places to thwart her father’s attempts.

  Gareth (20:23): “Hide the top tier stuff and go get some of those public restroom nightmare rolls.”

• Downgrade Quality: Replace premium toilet paper with cheaper alternatives to reduce his interest.

  Jake (20:37): “Put the cheapest toilet paper so that Samples thinks he won, gets home, wipes his butt and goes like, ow.”

• Financial Disincentives: Assign a cost to each roll taken to make the act financially unappealing.

  Jake (23:07): “He goes, it's just money too, you son of a...”

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson (16:18): “Your dad steals toilet paper? Yes. I never in a million years thought I would hear this from you at the start.”

• Gareth Reynolds (20:34): “We just pick his brain as far as what he was thinking. These moments that sound amazing.”

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2. Follow-Up Caller: Gemma’s Wig Woes

Timestamp: [57:50] – [67:20]

Caller: Gemma, a listener from Virginia Beach, follows up on a previous episode where she sought advice on handling her and her husband’s extensive wig-wearing habits during a work trip. Initially hesitant, Gemma embraced her wig persona following the hosts’ suggestions, transforming her approach to the situation.

Key Points Discussed:

• Original Issue: Gemma felt self-conscious about wearing wigs on a work trip, fearing judgment and uncertainty about their practicality in humid environments.

  Gemma (15:03): “We didn’t know how to convey to others.”

• Advisors' Advice: The hosts encouraged Gemma to fully embrace her wig-wearing identity, leading to increased confidence and acceptance.

  Jake (60:25): “Embrace it. And that's exactly what I've done.”

• Positive Outcomes: Gemma reports that her colleagues were indifferent to her wigs, and her husband joined in the fun, enhancing their wig-wearing experience as a couple.

  Gemma (60:18): “I've fully embraced it. I've got way more than I should now.”

Hosts' Advice: Jake and Gareth continue to build on their initial advice, encouraging Gemma to make wig-wearing a family affair and to document their experiences for added fun.

• Wig Family: Suggesting that Wigs become a shared hobby, with both Gemma and her husband participating.

  Gareth (61:02): “So now we're a wig house.”

• Documentation: Encouraging Gemma to photograph their wig ensembles and share them, possibly integrating them into their holiday traditions.

  Jake (62:21): “Put the dogs and everyone in a photo and send it to us for Instagram.”

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson (60:01): “Lisa Kudrow. Feelings, They're a nuisance.”

• Gareth Reynolds (61:27): “She looks like he teaches philosophy at Brown.”

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3. Additional Banter and Humor

Throughout the episode, Jake and Gareth engage in light-hearted humor, reflecting on personal anecdotes and playful interactions. Their chemistry adds a relatable and entertaining layer to the advice segments, making the episode both insightful and amusing.

Notable Moments:

• Beatboxing Segment: Responding to listener feedback about Gareth's attempt at beatboxing, which humorously fell flat.

  Gareth Reynolds (06:35): “...sounds like he's making yum noises and having diarrhea.”

• Elaborate Advice: Their creative and over-the-top advice strategies, such as labeling toilet paper as "TP Tips" or using motion sensor cameras to monitor theft, add a comedic twist to serious issues.

  Jake Johnson (35:05): “Film it, film it, film it, film it.”

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Conclusion

Episode 176 of We're Here to Help masterfully blends humor with genuine advice, addressing unconventional problems with creativity and camaraderie. Whether it's navigating the quirks of family dynamics or embracing unique personal styles, Jake and Gareth provide listeners with memorable solutions and plenty of laughs.

Key Takeaways:

• Embracing unusual habits can lead to increased confidence and acceptance.
• Creative problem-solving, even if humorous, can offer fresh perspectives.
• The hosts' genuine friendship and humor make the advice both entertaining and relatable.

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Subscribe and Engage

If you enjoyed this summary and want to hear more unconventional advice delivered with humor, tune into We're Here to Help on your favorite podcast platform. Share your own questions by emailing [e-mail], and join the conversation on their Patreon for exclusive video content and interactions.

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Notable Quotes Overview:

• Sarah (15:16): “He just steals toilet paper, which is really weird stuff.”
• Jake Johnson (16:18): “Your dad steals toilet paper? Yes. I never in a million years thought I would hear this from you at the start.”
• Gareth Reynolds (20:23): “Hide the top tier stuff and go get some of those public restroom nightmare rolls.”
• Jake Johnson (35:05): “Film it, film it, film it, film it.”
• Gareth Reynolds (61:27): “She looks like he teaches philosophy at Brown.”

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This summary captures the essence of Episode 176, focusing on the main calls and the hosts' interactions, while omitting advertisements and non-content sections.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Gemini.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Jake. It is to us. Gemini was an American gladiator, but not to the kids of today. We're talking exams, essays. This is stressful stuff. We went through it. We were on our own.

[Jake Johnson]

But Gemini is offering something really great for college students. So if you are a listener of We're Here to help, and if you want a little extra help, you. Gemini Advanced is now free for college students in the United States of America. Sign up before June 30th and you'll get free access all the way through Spring Finals 2026. So, Gareth, when you use Gemini, which we both use, what do you use it for and what do you like about it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's sometimes, like if there's a topic that I think I want to do stand up on or if there's sometimes, like if I'm writing something for my show, it's just like a way to kind of have something info. It just gives you all the information and right away you go, oh, okay, now I actually get this. Now I can personalize it.

[Jake Johnson]

Visit Gemini Google Slash students to learn more Terms apply. The new McCrispy strip is here. Dip approved by Ketchup Tangy barbecue, Honey mustard, honey mustard, Sprite, McFlurry, Big Mac sauce, Double dipped in buffalo and ranch, More ranch and creamy chili McCrispy strip dip now at McDonald's.

[Rob]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Rob]

That'Ll keep you guessing. Discover exclusive Audible originals, hotly anticipated new releases and must listen bestsellers that hook you from the first minute. Because Audible knows there's no greater thrill than the one that speaks to you. Discover what lies beyond the edge of your seat. Start your free 30 day trial at audible.com wondery us. That's audible.com wondery us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back. Alaska Johnson, Batavia.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's damn right, buddy. That's. What a name. So, Rob, wait, Can I tell you something first? Yeah, I got another. I got a pitch on what the fans can call themselves.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you ready for this?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're heredos like weirdos, but we're here.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good. I like that, actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, that's all I Got. Have a good day, everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

Enjoy the show. All right, you got something. Right before we got on, he said he's got a little video and a comment, but Gareth and I are in the dark. Yeah. And by the way, I'm doing more than my one sip of coffee, everybody.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that right?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. I fell off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How. As you should.

[Jake Johnson]

I just. I just need to say, because other people were writing in that they also do the one sip, and they're working.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They just want you to see them.

[Jake Johnson]

Fine, I see them. But I'm now telling them I fell off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It doesn't work. Are you admitting now the one sip doesn't work?

[Jake Johnson]

Last night, I was on a ship looking at orcas drinking glacier ice mixed with tequila.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God. You had a tequila and glacier.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's hard to stop.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I get a Tito's? An iceberg?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, one of the things they do is they go. They pull over and they pull up some ice, and then everyone's passing it around. And after it's touched everybody's hand, somebody was like, dude, it's so clear. We should lick it. And I'm like, so many hands have been on it. And then one of the bartenders goes like, no, no, no. We have a thing. We're gonna bring up ice and make drinks. But right before a bunch of people making a movie, we're all going to start licking ice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We should all lick. Share the lick.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And there was a moment where I'm like, are we going to start going around and licking this thing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you would, right? If you were fifth, you would. I would not.

[Jake Johnson]

I would. I would do the. What's the theory behind this? And somebody. He's ruining the ice. Just throw back in the water.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would have died at Jonestown so fast when they were drinking the. You would have survived. And I'd have been like, jake, shut the fuck up. Drink the Kool Aid already. This guy means it.

[Jake Johnson]

You would have robbered from Shark Tank. You would go, I'll drink it first. While I do the. Cool, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I take it out of a couple other people's hands. Don't mind if I do. Just dying on my third one without it even going down.

[Jake Johnson]

You would do it so fast that the leader would go like, slow down. People in the back aren't gonna die yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're blowing it. You're blowing this for me.

[Jake Johnson]

You die. And other people go like, yeah, I think I'm good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then I get up and I'm like, I'm actually okay. Oh, die again.

[Jake Johnson]

All Right, Rob, what do we got?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, we got a clip from Jillian Bell's episode that we got some comments on. So let's revisit that.

[Jake Johnson]

Who's in trouble here, me or Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gotta be you, because I might. Oh, no, maybe it is me. Yeah. Let's see.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we do this father daughter dance, we want to throw to something really special that a young woman said about her dad and our man. G man's gonna drop a beat over. So this is a conversation that really happened, folks. G man, take it away.

[Rob]

The things that I love the most.

[Jake Johnson]

About my D bad.

[Rob]

Or that, like, he's hilarious and, like, is also like. I mean, just so funny, but it's also, like, very, like, I have extremely bad anxiety. And he has been, like, so wonderful with it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Rob]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And he has been, like, so.

[Sarah]

Yeah, and he's hilarious.

[Jake Johnson]

What makes you so. What makes him so wonderful with your anxiety? How does he handle it?

[Rob]

He is just, like, pretty patient, which, because, I mean, as you know, with anxiety, it's like the most.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, let me get the idea. I don't get the idea yet. I'm not sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you post the whole thing somewhere, Rob? Can we?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's gonna be stuck in my head. That's catchy. This was the comment that came in. This was, and I'm not exaggerating, the worst beatboxing I've ever heard from Gareth. Sounds like he' making yum noises and having diarrhea. Even spelling my name wrong is tough, but come on, there's worse beatboxing. That was that. That there is. Come on now.

[Jake Johnson]

Here. There is worse.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not saying it was good.

[Jake Johnson]

It was better than expected. The problem was is you were so close to the mic that it sounded like farts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will admit, in retrospect, it did sound like someone with food poisoning.

[Jake Johnson]

Cuz I was listening at first and I thought, like, all right, the kids got some rhythm. And then I went like, that sounded like a fart.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We had experience. We had the same experience. I was like, you know what? This is aged pretty well. That's not good. That's not good.

[Jake Johnson]

Once the farts came in, it was ruined.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it was too. It wasn't. It should have been more like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear that. Let's hear take two with less farts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really weird. You asked for it.

[Jake Johnson]

I know, but does something happen with your face when you beatbox? Me? Ask you a question. Have you practiced in the past?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I. I'll be honest. My buddy Brett is Very good at it. And I'm doing an impression of him doing it, and it's nowhere near.

[Jake Johnson]

I got you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I should be.

[Jake Johnson]

You know who's very good at beatboxing is Olivia Mun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is she.

[Jake Johnson]

Not even as a joke.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wow. She.

[Jake Johnson]

It was like one of those things we were doing. New girl, I think in, you know, like, people go talking about random skills, and she did the thing you did of like, I can beat bucks. And then at first you go, it sounds good. And then you go, it sounds like farts. I don't know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, keep going. It just feels like you. Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

Set up a long story just to say that again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly what I was about to say.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't have an end to my original story. No. But then she crushed it in a way that was shocking, where you're like, oh, you can actually beatbox in a crazy way. And I think you can beatbox.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That's what I wanted this to be. But.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I think. I think you were close. Well, here's what happened. Natalie and I couldn't hear it, so.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's a zoom problem.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a zoom problem because we would have called that out early and said, move away a little bit. There's some fart sounds.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You guys could have noted me away from the diarrhea.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, agreed. And now I think that is unsendable to the caller, but I don't think we.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't think that's fair. I. I think I.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you imagine that playing at a wedding?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think at a wedding. That's a good. That's a good vibe. I think that's. I. I think you're. Look, we're having some fun. I just don't think you're. You're putting yourself and you've catered a lot of weddings. I mean, I think I would love that.

[Jake Johnson]

If I was catering to wedding, I would die.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think. I think it would. I. I'm. I don't know. I mean, maybe the people can let us know what they think, if that should be played or not, but I think it could.

[Jake Johnson]

The caller. Can we. Really fast, before we go, can you take us out with a little bit more of that beatboxing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure. Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Not you. The video.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yes. Yes. I don't know why you said not you like that. It was like you could have just been like, yeah, because I got it.

[Jake Johnson]

Because Rob just popped on the video. We both saw him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't see we were having a conversation. Go ahead.

[Sarah]

Willing to be like, okay, let's go walk around.

[Rob]

Let's go walk around.

[Jake Johnson]

It's fine.

[Rob]

Like, we're gonna get up from this nice dinner table that we're at with our whole family and we're gonna go.

[Jake Johnson]

Outside and walk around. Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it's like.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Rob]

And he will be like.

[Jake Johnson]

And it's like he doesn't see. There's a moment, there's moments, there's a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Moment or two, there's some.

[Jake Johnson]

Without further ado, Joy, here's some ads.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's. Jake's on the cut. Look at you relapsing.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. You want proof? Go to garethreynolds.com I love the little curly haired ginger. Lord knows I do. I've known him for 20 years. But I wouldn't call him the sharpest tool in the shed. I wouldn't call him the dullest, but I would say he was a little closer to the dullest than the sharpest. What's my point? You may be asking. GarethReynolds.com is Squarespace and he did it all himself. So just imagine what a regular person with a little bit of time could make. You can make a great website. Cutting edge design. With Squarespace collection of cutting edge design tools, anyone can build an online presence that perfectly fits their brand or business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Here to Help is sponsored by the crisp, refreshing, Angry Orchard. Listen, guys, there's a litany of things we shouldn't get angry about, but let's be honest, sometimes it's hard not to be. Don't get angry at Piggly and Mo and say that it makes no sense and nobody would fall for it. We are making this up. As we go, we are trying our hardest. Don't get angry at me for sometimes interrupting the guests. We've done nearly 450 calls. Sometimes the guest needs to speed it up. Instead. Get an angry orchard and feel good. Feel chill and refreshed. Not getting pissed off, but just having a tasty orchard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Herobred.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

Hero bread is, is absolutely delicious. I eat it on a regular basis. It is my bread of choice. I also like the bagels with 4 grams of net carbs, 0 grams of sugar and 19 grams of protein. It's truly delicious. I also use the tortillas and then I get this vegan cheese and I make a quesadilla and I love it. Another thing that I do is I get the bread, I put a nature balance butter on it, some olive oil and salt and I just dip and eat. You'd never know it's low net carb and high fiber bread from the texture. It is soft, it is fluffy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Sarah]

Yes. This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, jump in. You know what you're doing.

[Sarah]

My name is Sarah. Welcome to my show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Sarah]

I'm 41. Roughly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Sarah]

And I live in Georgia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go ahead, Sarah. What's going on?

[Sarah]

All right. So this, this started about 10 years ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Sarah]

My dad, we actually lived in a different state at the time, across the country. My dad would come and visit and at the end of his visit, typically he would say, do you have a roll of Toilet paper I could take. And my husband and I were both like, what? I mean, sure, you can have a roll, but you don't have any toilet paper at home. And he's like, I just don't want to stop on the way home. Like, you're. They're totally out. That's what you're telling me. So anyway, fast forward. We moved to the same city and, you know, Covid hit and my dad would periodically come visit and ask us for roll of toilet paper. Well, at the time, you know, Covid days, we didn't want to send him to the grocery store for a roll. Over time, it's just escalated to now he doesn't ask. He just steals toilet paper, which is really weird stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Totally insane.

[Sarah]

It is. It does feel as weird as it gets.

[Jake Johnson]

Your dad steals toilet paper? Yes. I never in a million years thought I would hear this from you at the start.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope.

[Sarah]

He's a great dad. Great dad, great grandfather.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Sarah]

He comes over to visit, not just for toilet paper, I'm assuming. And we'll be like, putting the kids to bed. And one night, my husband just caught him in the garage. Like, three rolls. He'll never take a whole three rolls.

[Jake Johnson]

Shocking. Disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's going on?

[Sarah]

And also, he does not have. He's not in financial trouble. You know, we'll just say that. But he'll say things like, oh, I'm just, you know, it's just me at home. I don't need a whole.

[Rob]

Buy a whole pack.

[Sarah]

Like. Like a whole pack is so many.

[Rob]

Rolls that he would be bombarded with.

[Sarah]

Toilet paper in his home. You know, with many closets.

[Jake Johnson]

This is wild.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Okay, keep going. I mean, we'll. I think we know where we're headed.

[Sarah]

My problem is my dad is stealing our toilet paper, and we would like for him to stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Is there any other backstory?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. That's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there any other backstory you feel we should hear?

[Sarah]

You know, I can say that I think my. My husband had. We'll say he's a high maintenance toilet paper user. So we are buying top tier toilet paper. You know what I'm saying?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Multiply and multiply.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Quilted comfort.

[Sarah]

But you know, when my dad in a new convertible and he throws paper in because he doesn't want to buy it for himself, you know, it just.

[Rob]

Doesn'T feel like it all adds up.

[Jake Johnson]

Has a new convertible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not great that he's. I mean, he's. Because he's saved all that money.

[Jake Johnson]

Toilet paper in the car and saved 100 grand. Convertible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's got all. He saved so much money and not buying toilet paper. He's got a Corvette.

[Jake Johnson]

If my dad was stealing my toilet paper and then had so much extra cash while me and my wife are struggling that he buys a convertible with the savings.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't even know what to say.

[Sarah]

You know, he does have a pattern.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Meaning water.

[Sarah]

Not the only area of his life where he has done things like this. You know, when I was talking to my. I called my brother to say, hey, I'm gonna be on this show.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

And he said, oh, yeah, what was the story? And I told him, you know, I was like, oh, it's the toilet paper. He was like, oh, yeah, you should tell him. He hit me up for copy paper.

[Rob]

When he was here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Sarah]

Copy paper? You know, like print paper.

[Jake Johnson]

What's going on with dad? What was dad like growing up?

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is wild. He's like a paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Born in the Depression, raised during the.

[Sarah]

Depression by depression era.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, I hear that. You don't have to tell me that twice. I got that in my family.

[Sarah]

You know, I don't want to play into stereotypes, okay. So I'm gonna just. I'm just gonna describe him. He's from New York.

[Jake Johnson]

You can do some stereotypes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's from New York.

[Rob]

He's from New York.

[Sarah]

He has doting older parents. He was an only child.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Sarah]

He loves a good sale and coupons and lots and bagels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. This is our. This is our. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I love dad.

[Sarah]

His favorite show is Seinfeld.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Is his name croco? Hey, Jake, give me that toilet paper, honey.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I. I think my. I think, like you're saying, Jake, like, my mother is very much like this, too. My mother is like a. Like wherever there's a saving, like a. A bit of savings to be found. She's on top of it, loves it.

[Jake Johnson]

If she sees something like calling me savings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right. Okay. So, Sarah, I got some pitches right out the gate for you, Jake. What do you. What are your wheels turn? What do you got?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I'm just thinking of Pam on top of me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anyway, we will. Here. Here's what I'm going to say, Sarah, because we, like. Like you said, back on track. Like you just said, back on track.

[Sarah]

Like I just said, back on track.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly. Thank you. We're using it right away. Jake, Jake, Jake. Not a word for right now because I see the wheels turning in a bad direction. All right. Three, two, one. Back on track. Sarah, I.

[Sarah]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what I would say. I would. If the only way to. I think you've either got to let him know, you know, without confronting him, or you've got to make him lose interest in your toilet paper. So, okay, I would say first option, hide it all. Just hide it all. Just don't put it where you put it now. And make him go in there when he's going to steal it. Be like, what the fuck? The other option, right, you're buying the fucking top tier stuff, Hide the top tier stuff and go get some of those Scots those public restroom nightmare rolls. Because I think he likes your brand. So show him that you've downgraded to the airport bathroom style toilet paper. He's gonna lose interest very quickly. And the last pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, can I pitch? Yeah, go, Sarah. I would go to a gas station, use the bathroom, take as much of it you can, put it in a, like, grocery bag and the next time you come over, listen, listen, you're not. You might barf in your car. You might barf in your car. So you just bring it. You're allow to take a bunch of it and then. And it's so cheap, it breaks. It's disgusting. Toilet paper. So then when you get home and he comes over, go, hey, FYI, we just got you the toilet paper so you don't have to take our new stuff, but the stuff that's for us, but we love you. Here's some toilet paper. He'll look and go, what's this? And you go, we just stole it from a gas station, but use this. And he'll go, it's paper thin. And you go, or you could just buy your own. And he goes, buy my own. And you go, sell the convertible. You son of a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think that was kind of where my last one was going, which is like, you could, you could have his own, like, toilet paper. You could do two things. You could have the thing that's for him in the garage now labeled, you know, dad's tp. Or I was thinking you could just have a jar with a label on it that says the TP Fund and it's TP tips. And it's your way of saying, yeah, you want to come in here, you're allowed to take what you want.

[Jake Johnson]

But.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you know, it might be nice to throw a little money our way since again, you have a convertible.

[Jake Johnson]

I would take away the subtlety of that. And I would say when he comes over and he grabs it, you ring him up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's.

[Jake Johnson]

You go, he goes like, that, but, you know, not even 15. You give the exact price, but then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got to pay for.

[Jake Johnson]

But you got to pay for your gas, too. So it's a bad deal. So he starts walking you like this. Hey, Daddy. Oh, Daddy. And he goes, yes, sweetheart. And you go like this. That's. It's 299 for the toilet paper plus tax takes us to 325, plus gasoline takes us to 405 plus my time takes me to 5:15 for the toilet paper. And he goes, 5:15 for a roll of toilet paper. That's a terrible deal. And you go, no, no, no, I know, but you're also, like, with Instacart, you got to pay the extra stuff. And then the 10% tip is going to take us to $6 even. And he's going to go, I'd never spend $6 for a roll of toilet paper. And then he goes, just go to the grocery store and get your own. Yeah, sell the convertible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he doesn't need to sell the car. I like every bitch he's got to sell his car.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Sarah, what do you think?

[Sarah]

Three cars, so he's fine. He can.

[Jake Johnson]

I love this guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I wish he was calling because, boy, I mean, we would be like China.

[Sarah]

You have no idea. You have no idea. Okay? I like. I like all of this. The thing is that I'm wondering if I downgrade the toilet paper that he's taking from the stash, if he's just going to. To take the good toilet paper from the house. You know what I mean?

[Jake Johnson]

Because. What do you mean, Sarah? This needs to be a confrontation. We can't just have him walking in your house taking your stuff. And what happens, guys?

[Sarah]

We've caught him. My husband caught him in the garage. And he goes, hey, bud, what are you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like a raccoon in your trash.

[Jake Johnson]

That feels. And I can say this as a half Jewish guy that feels anti Semitic. She wasn't doing stereotypes, but your little ass took it too far. We are not raccoons.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of course you are.

[Jake Johnson]

And yes, some people describe us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are you talking about? Thank you, Sarah. You're exactly right. Good Lord.

[Sarah]

Would you like another story about him giving an example? Obviously you want. You do want another story.

[Jake Johnson]

Day three of Hanukkah.

[Sarah]

Okay, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Instead of oil, it was toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

And this raccoon's running around in the trash.

[Sarah]

He'll go to an all inclusive with empty bottles.

[Jake Johnson]

He'll go to what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Inclusive. Like.

[Jake Johnson]

An all inclusive resort. Okay?

[Sarah]

Resort with Empty water bottles, and he will fill them up with wicker, fly them home.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is next level awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah, do we have other stories?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake, can we just enjoy that for.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I love it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Check in a bag.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm as greedy with these stories as he is with his life.

[Sarah]

So he'll fly them home and then he'll. He'll pour them into bottles.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, nicer bottles.

[Sarah]

They're the same. Sometimes they're the same liquor and sometimes they're different. Like, and then he'll just put, like, if it's a vodka, but inside is tequila, it'll just be like a sticky note and so just say tequila.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, there's a really funny account on Instagram that I followed and started dming with the guy a little bit. I think it's called, like, old Jewish Men. And it's guy with a huge mustache who. He's trying to sell a bunch of merch now, of course. But it started off he would just like, walk around and give his opinion on stuff and what sandwiches he likes. And lately he's all about just going to Costco and buying rotisserie chickens and saying, like, where do I scan it? Where do I scan it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, okay, I have.

[Sarah]

Speaking of Costco, I do have another example. I just. All right, he got a temp. He got a part time job at Costco. Oh, God, for like four or five months. And it was just to get all of the bins that the wine came in. Like, wait, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean? What do you mean? What are you.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Sarah]

He's like, obsessed with the wine boxes, like the free wine boxes that all the wine comes in. So he was working in the wine section and he would get the free box. We have like, Jesus boxes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You mean like the wood, like, crates?

[Sarah]

Yes, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He got a job at Costco so he could get.

[Sarah]

He said he was bored for five.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Months he worked there just to get wooden crates at Costco.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a character I'm born to play in 25 years is without.

[Sarah]

Also, he would like. Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The part you're born to play. Samples. Samples. The man Samples.

[Jake Johnson]

Gareth. I also got to say for a second, and I'm sorry, Sarah, you're doing great. Thanks. What a great show we've created, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just. It's endless.

[Jake Johnson]

It's so fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm on four hours of sleep. I wasn't feeling it. I was like, do I call and cancel? I'm not sleeping in Alaska. The sun never goes down.

[Sarah]

Oh, man.

[Jake Johnson]

These callers. Sarah, you're part of a sav. You're part of it. Holy cow. Do the callers make this show special? Sarah, do you got any other story?

[Sarah]

You're making my day.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you're making it.

[Sarah]

You're making stories.

[Jake Johnson]

So I don't know how we're gonna.

[Sarah]

Doing my job though.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, it's hard. You see how we get in the muck on this a little bit. But one last story and then we'll try to. This is such a. I don't even know how to pitch on. Maybe the pitch on this is can we get him on the show?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I honestly.

[Sarah]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I hate to say, I'm starting to just be like, let this man cook.

[Jake Johnson]

Me too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I think talking to him would be awesome.

[Sarah]

Just not even, like, really doesn't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not even intervene just to peel the onion for a while.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Rob]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

My friend used to say that he was the real life Larry David and that if he ever watched your enthusiasm, he would be like, I don't get it. Like, what is. What's weird about anything in his life?

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what I think, Sarah. I got a real pitch for you. I think what we need to create. So you obviously adore the man. You find him really funny.

[Sarah]

I do love him. He is amazing. He's a great dad.

[Jake Johnson]

My. Yeah, my dad was an incredible character. Not cheap, but so funny. And I will say to get a little sentimental, there is a moment where these guys go, and when they go, there's not many more of them. They're not being built like this anymore. This is a very specific type of person that we're losing. These characters are so great. And once that whole generation is gone, there's not like a new group of 13 year olds who are eventually going to be samples. They're going to be something totally different. That's fair. And so what I would say is, let's lean into the game of samples, but let's buy and mess with them, you know, really cheap brands of toilet paper, but put it in an expensive outer. So get the good stuff.

[Sarah]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And have the bag for you guys. But then where, you know, he just steals. Put the cheapest toilet paper so that samples thinks he won, gets home, wipes his butt and goes like, ow. It's like sh. It's like sandpaper.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it. I also think, why not have your brother, like take a ream of printing paper and just wet it, let it dry in the sun and then put that in the original packaging too. So when he gets home, it looks like old treasure maps, and he's like, what am I gonna do? And I think Jake's right. And I think the celebration of samples is maybe the right direction. And might I take us a step further and suggest that when you're catching samples in some samples moments.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Film him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Film him in his element. Film him in the garage stealing your toilet paper. Send it to us and let us create the lore on our Instagram of samples, the legend.

[Jake Johnson]

That's right. Sarah, can you. And you could do it really easy. None of these are sponsors, but like a ring camera. So these stuff is getting so cheap now.

[Sarah]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

That you could get this stuff and motion sensor record. Let's get a lot of footage of samples stealing.

[Sarah]

Oh my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or even have it.

[Sarah]

And even just living.

[Jake Johnson]

Just living.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like living and just picking his brain a little. Just being like. Like sit down with him and say, you know, what is it about my brother's printing paper? And just have him.

[Jake Johnson]

I have an idea. I have an idea. Sarah, I'm going to pitch another thing to you.

[Sarah]

Okay, tell me.

[Jake Johnson]

Could you tell samples that there's this new free service and what the service is, is it's these guys who do a podcast. Not named Pigley and Mo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they.

[Jake Johnson]

And what they do. Obviously what they do. Cuz you paid for this. They interview parents to record their history so that it could be passed on. And then we could sit and have an interview with you on it too, where we all ask samples a bunch of questions and you go like, dad, will you just do it for me? It's just I want to record some of this stuff. And we could then say to him, and guess what? If he's anything like my dad, he's gotta love the attention.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And he's gonna go like. It's like when I used to hang out with my dad, we used to do a thing where it was pre, we're here to help. But I just pretended I was a podcast host and I'd go, dad, walk me through 1964. What were you doing? He'll go. And he wouldn't even realize. It was a weird transition. And he'll go, 1964, I was out of college.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't know what I was.

[Sarah]

Oh, he loves to talk about his wife.

[Jake Johnson]

Of course. Tell me about 1969. My hair was down to my ass. It was the era of free love. Walk me into 1985. Yeah. First thing I'm gonna say is, cook in.

[Sarah]

Are you gonna. Are you gonna like, weasel into like, so tell me about your toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, of course. We're all of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why don't we get to all of it?

[Jake Johnson]

Because he's.

[Sarah]

Here's the thing is he's gonna know. He'll sniff that out.

[Jake Johnson]

He's no, he's no dummy.

[Rob]

And then we're.

[Sarah]

And then I'm in trouble.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you're not. No, you're not. But you know you're gonna do it subtly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what I would say. Let's split it. Let's make it so you. I would say if you and your husband, at times when he's going in the garage, just put the phone in your pocket, hit record, walk in there and just go, what's going on? We can use that. And then maybe we do do like a special for Patreon where you come up with five or six stories and you and him come on and you sort of pimp him into these. And then. Yeah, we just pick his brain as far as what he was thinking. These moments that sound amazing.

[Sarah]

The thing is that he doesn't know that this is weird in his world. Like, he can show up in our. In an Armani suit and a Jag convertible and still just take toilet paper. And it's like, yeah, this is a. This is what people do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Look like most legends. He's not going to fit into a nice little bin. He's not. Where Costco keeps the wine. He's not. It's not that simple. So I think instead of us trying to put the fuse out, I think we want to light the wick a little bit higher and see what this firecracker could do.

[Sarah]

So I just. Should I just keep him giving him my first class toilet paper? Is that what you're saying? Well, I think you want to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you want. Yes. And I think you want to film him. And I think you want to ask what it is about your toilet paper.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but I think, Sarah, the pitch is, what we do at first is we set up some cameras, we catch a raccoon in his natural habitat. I think we switch out the good from the bad. But we set traps. Like, if you got a rat in your habitat, you don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just.

[Jake Johnson]

The first thing you don't do is just say, like, get out. You gotta put a little peanut butter in a cage and we gotta start setting them up a little bit. Yeah, you're gonna be saving money by letting him steal the bad stuff. But he's a wildly son of a. Raccoons don't go away easily. He's Gonna find a way through it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He knows where the hot dogs are.

[Jake Johnson]

Title of your memoir. And then what we got to get to is we got to get to a long form interview that who knows where we could use. It'll for sure go on, but it might be a Wednesday episode.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it could be. Who knows? We'll find out. We just want to meet samples.

[Jake Johnson]

Have fun doing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We want to meet samples and so.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah, how do you feel? Do you feel like you have a solution?

[Sarah]

I've lost and I've won.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, I think the truth is.

[Jake Johnson]

That'S everybody, including us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think what happened on this call.

[Jake Johnson]

Is that's even Rabbit Grin, our producers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think you solved a problem we didn't know we had had.

[Jake Johnson]

You saw.

[Sarah]

Okay, perfect. What was that?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, we didn't have samples in our life and now we need him.

[Sarah]

Oh, excellent, excellent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, okay.

[Sarah]

I love it.

[Jake Johnson]

We all need a sample.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. So we'll. Why don't just start getting some. Start getting some video and then we'll set up a very special samples.

[Sarah]

Okay, I love it. Sounds great.

[Jake Johnson]

Samples sale.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sam.

[Sarah]

It'S nice to hear that the stories are as shocking as they seem. They're what me, you know, But I'm living it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's. It's one thing, like, it's one thing to like when I go to hotels, I'll like, fill up my wa. Like my portable water jug in the gym. And to me, that's kind of quirky and funny to go to an all inclusive resort with empty water bottles, fill everything with liquor and fly home with it and then sometimes pour it in a vodka bot and label it tequila. That's. That's hall of fame stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm gonna give a quick Croco connection to Samples in terms of unbelievable characters that you can't believe what's happening, but you, when it's over, you wish there was more. My father's name was Croco or his nickname was short for kids. Crocker Shit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And when we said, as little boys and little girl as my sister, we said, why did they call you Krako Croco? He said, because I was in a band called the Shits. There was Croco and Fullo and Tubbo, and we were the Shits.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like the Marx Brothers.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And he said, I was the singer. I had long hair, the mustache. We would play concerts. We were at University of Illinois. It was fun. So for years, whenever it would come up, you'd go, croco is because he was in a band, the Shits. It wasn't and then towards the end of my dad's life, we just got a little bit more sentimental and things changed. At times there'd be moments of clarity and truth. And I was in Chicago and my brother and I were hanging out with Croco. And we always would do games and mess with him and he would never know it, but he would love the attention. And out of nowhere he goes, My brother goes, well, that probably reminds you of the time you were in the shits. And my dad goes, I was never in the shits. And I go, what do you mean? And he goes, goes, there was no band. That was a lie. And we go, what? He goes, I just lied about that. And we said, why? He goes, I don't know. And we go, why was your nickname Crock of shit? And he goes, because everybody thought I was a crock of shit. That means a liar. And my brother and I looked at each other, couldn't process it and just went, great. What are we eating for lunch? We all moved on. We didn't have any follow up questions. 35 to 40 years of lying. Because cuz I'm a cuz I was a crack of full of life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that he's done a 35 year lie and doesn't know why his name's Croco.

[Jake Johnson]

What? When he lied to us when it started, I was five, my brother was nine, my sister was eight. And where we're all going like this. Pretty cool. Don't even really know what a band is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dad, when you were in the probably reminds you of when you were in the. I was never in this.

[Jake Johnson]

But he said it's so cat. He was like, he's too old. He's 80 years. He goes like, I was never into with the band. That's never in a band. And we sat there and my brother and I were like, what is happening? He just called me that because I was a liar Crocker. And then one of us, we're like, all right, should we get some lunch? He's like, yeah, anywhere you boys want.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Never had a follow up question with it. If I could have got it on film. Sarah, this goes back to samples.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Samples.

[Jake Johnson]

I wish I had it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well.

[Sarah]

Oh my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, thank you for the call. We love samples.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

My real advice, Film it. Film it, film it, film it, film it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, let's, let's preserve this. He belongs in a museum. And let's set up a, a very special samples.

[Jake Johnson]

We will do it on Patreon no matter what. And most Likely we will release some.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Of it on it.

[Jake Johnson]

Or we'll release it on a Friday. Do three.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, yeah, Croco. Croco's back.

[Jake Johnson]

Because it's just a stupid podcast. It's not even real life, G. I'm talking on a zoom. You're so little, I can't even see your little girly girlies. Oh, my gosh, Sarah, thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Sarah.

[Sarah]

Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye, bud.

[Sarah]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Holy.

[Jake Johnson]

What world are we in, Gareth? What are we? Did we die and we're in heaven? This isn't a real show. This is paradise.

[Rob]

Samples, are you okay? Gareth?

[Jake Johnson]

Samples is incredible.

[Rob]

I think Gareth's not breathing.

[Jake Johnson]

She loves samples as much as me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love samples and I love Croco. And the combination has really. I don't know, it's like baking soda and vinegar inside of my heart.

[Jake Johnson]

What are we. I mean, if we were in a bar doing this, we'd be like, best night ever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God, that is so. Jesus Christ.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus Christ.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Rob]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, how are you?

[Rob]

I'm doing good, how about you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not gonna lie, caller. I'm a little rattled because we just did some Patreon stuff and what I ended up reading with Jake was a fan fic scene that started out wholesome with Jake having to take care of my cat as I went and did stand up dates, only to realize it was actually a love story between Jake and my mother. And I read my mother. Anyway, join our Patreon. Can we get you. Well, I've got some horrible news for you. It's. It's a nightmare. Can we get your name, please?

[Rob]

Sure, I'm going with the name Christine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For this, Christine for this, and your rough age for this, please.

[Rob]

Christine, I'm 28.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Christine, where are you potentially calling from? Or just name a city for your safety?

[Rob]

I'm in Manhattan, Kansas.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Manhattan, Kansas. Okay, Christine, 28, Manhattan. A lot of that might be fake. Doesn't matter. What can we help you solve today?

[Rob]

Okay, so. So the essential situation is I'm a perpetually single woman, but this is not a dating question. I have a steady friends with benefits type situation with a guy who I'm going to call Alex. And he, you know, he's just a couple years older than me. Totally normal guy, but we do a lot of role play stuff in the bedroom, and basically I'm a huge nerd. He's not. He's like a normal kind of masculine dude who has like, very stereotypical manly hobbies. And I would really like him to roleplay as Aragorn from the Lord of the Rings. But I know he hasn't seen the movies or read the books and I know he'll agree if I ask him, but I don't want him to fuck the character up.

[Jake Johnson]

Interesting call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So you, your main worry is that the performance of the Lord of the Rings character wouldn't be up to snuff.

[Rob]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know the character. Can you tell me about him a little bit? And Natalie, can we see an image of him? But before we do that, Christine, do you mind talking about what you like? His name is Aricorn.

[Rob]

Aragorn.

[Jake Johnson]

Aragorn.

[Rob]

Like a R, A G O R N. And so he's. He's like descended from like the, the kings of the past and he's like a human but will live to like a long age. He's that is was raised by elves, but he's not an elf. And he's a direct descendant of the man who previously defeated the Big Bad in the books. So he has to like kind of hide his lineage or the enemy is going to like come after him and try and kill him. So it's.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool. Have you watched Lord of the Rings with him?

[Rob]

No. That's the thing. We don't really hang out apart from sex. So I feel like it would be really unhinged to be like, hey, come watch this like three movie epic with me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Me.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I see the video of this guy. Who is it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, right? That's, it's. What's his name? His name is.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. Long haired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Vega. Morton.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, Vega. So long haired hunk with a leather jacket and a sword.

[Rob]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And he's a badass.

[Rob]

Absolute badass.

[Jake Johnson]

But he comes from elves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But.

[Rob]

Well, he not descended from elves. His father died and he was raised by elves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But I will say this in Natalie's search history because we could see her thing. The original tab is Ergon's Sexy.

[Rob]

I mean, I have to show the sexiest pictures of him for you to.

[Jake Johnson]

Get the idea or you've searched this before.

[Rob]

I approve. Yes. Yeah. Are you trying to play Arwen? Are you. Is this like the whole thing? I'm not trying to play Arwen, but I also. So it's probably kind of weird, but I don't want to step on Arwen's toes in the fantasy. So like, maybe if we could do it like complicated like before he's King of Gondor. Maybe when he's like Strider, he's off being like sexy Ranger of the north, patrolling lands and protecting them from evil.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you guys are doing this in apartment?

[Rob]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what, the one thing that nobody seems as interested in this thing as me, and I'll drop it if nobody bites on this, this, but this guy was raised by a bunch of elves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was raised by them, but he's genetically a badass.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but that's like a. I don't know, maybe that could get in the bedroom. Maybe there's something there that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was raised by elves. What? They can make gifts for Christmas. What are you pitching?

[Jake Johnson]

I. I honestly don't know. I think that's the weirdest character Elvish. You know, I got to be honest, I don't know. All I. Here's what I see. Here's what I see. A long haired hunk with a sword and a leather jacket and the cool gloves with the fingers cut off. So I know that I get that guy, he kills bad guys. But I'll tell you, I'll tell you where the role play could get fun flashbacks to his childhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're going to have elf parents show up.

[Jake Johnson]

I want Christine, you to be his first love affair and you be his aunt's friend. And he just turned 18 and you're an elf.

[Rob]

Okay?

[Jake Johnson]

So like I don't want you to do. This is a terrible idea. I think he's. I think you got to say next time you come over, I'm down to. Down to have fun and do our evening, but you gotta watch this with me and then watch it and go. So I want you to pretend to be him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or I think what you say is you go, look, I really love doing this with you, but there is one character I want you to play, but it actually means a lot to me. So I need you to maybe watch the movie from it and take it seriously because that'll really turn me on. Something like that.

[Jake Johnson]

Christine, what if we did it via text?

[Rob]

If we did it via text.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I mean by that. That you say to him. Let's say you guys are going to see each other next Friday. Say, excited to see you Friday at 1am or whenever he comes over and you go, hey, let's plan the game on this one before and just do it throughout the whole thing. No even greeting. Just come in and we'll just start the game, okay? And then his thought will be, sure, what's the game? Send him this image and say you're this from Lord of the Rings. And then go, Aragon, Aragon. Say if the voice and character aren't spot on. I'm not finishing the deal.

[Rob]

Yeah. I mean, I think the main issue isn't even, like. Because he probably doesn't really need to know the lore. Like, people in Lord of the Rings, they kind of, like, talk differently. I don't want to say, like, Shakespearean because it's not that dramatic, but it's kind of a little more, like, flowery and dramatic than Kristen.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I'm. You know what I'm going to ask, right?

[Rob]

Maybe.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Rob]

I have to think. Well, it's like, surely, you know the scene where, like, that everyone makes memes out of where it's like, I will take the ring to Mordor and, like, you have my sword. And everyone's all dramatic and, like, kneeling on. On one knee and they just use a lot more. They don't use, like, contractions. Like, they don't say what they would say. What is. What is this? What do your elfis. See?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, so he needs to show up in a costume and no contractions.

[Rob]

Kind of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I think I like the idea of maybe texting it to him. Like, Jake's sort of saying. I think it might be a good way to just sort of look, I think if it's important and he knows that and it's, like, sexually important, that helps.

[Jake Johnson]

I do, too. I mean, it's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't bring up the elves, but.

[Jake Johnson]

So tell me. Tell me again the roadblocks, because I don't think this is that hard to just say let's.

[Rob]

Well, because I don't think he'd want to watch the Lord of the Rings.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Rob]

He doesn't seem to have any interest in that stuff. And I worry that if I. If I ask him to do this, it's a. Like, it's like giving him homework, right? It's like, who wants to do sex homework? Like, a nurse is easy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, I got a pitch then.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How about after the next ne. Next time you guys hang out, you do the sexy nurse or whatever he wants. The male brain is fairly fried after this moment, and that's when you hit him with it. You say, hey, next time there's something I want you to do, but it kind of. I need you to really get it right because that'll be the best version of it for me. I want, you know, kind of hit him with this.

[Rob]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think she's saying she doesn't want him to do the homework on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, but you don't even have to. Well, I only want him to do the homework.

[Rob]

I want him to want to do the homework, but I don't want to, like, make him do homework because that's going to make it really unsettling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's not going to do the homework. If you don't assign him the homework, he's not going to do the homework.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, maybe what you could say is maybe you could text him, what's your biggest turn on?

[Rob]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And then when he. Then when he says, what's yours? You say, having sex with a guy whose role playing is this and can kind of do the voice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think that's pretty.

[Jake Johnson]

Cuz then you're not saying, watch the whole movie. Just Google the guy. Go on YouTube, do the voice a few times. He knows you're not. When you're being a nurse, you didn't go to nursing school. School.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you could even just send him a clip from YouTube and just like. Like this.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody who does something like this, and then he'll go, all right, I've already done the homework. I watched the YouTube clip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, and then you could also just put disclaimer, he was not raised by.

[Jake Johnson]

Elves.

[Rob]

But he was raised by elves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, but we don't want him to know that. He'll get hung up like Jake and.

[Jake Johnson]

It'Ll change the character.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He'll come in with bells on his shoes. It'll be a nightmare.

[Jake Johnson]

It'll just dramatically change the character. Character, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This guy hates elves. But you just do that. I think that's pretty good. I think if you just say something like that, you send a clip and you're just like, this is what I want. This guy.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think, Christine?

[Rob]

Okay, so just like, find some sort of, like, hot YouTube compilation. Yes, just Aragorn being sexy.

[Jake Johnson]

What if we did this really fast? Natalie, can you get on YouTube and see if somebody's already cut a hot YouTube thing?

[Rob]

Somebody has.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So let's see if there's one that exists.

[Rob]

If I can find my favorites.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she signs in under Eric Ornography.

[Jake Johnson]

Why are you sending us a Vimeo link? We asked for YouTube.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This was edited by you. Okay, here we go.

[Rob]

Oh, I didn't put. I didn't put the sound on because it was intense.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's hear a little sound. We gotta hear the way he talks. Okay. And then for anybody who wants to see this at home, it's on YouTube. Aragorn's best moments.

[Rob]

Hang on.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm sure I'm saying that name incorrectly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, it's Fine.

[Rob]

You're not. You said it right. Aragorn.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey. Pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. We're watching the clip.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's fighting a storm.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, Elijah Wood up, I believe. Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's taking off his aura ring.

[Jake Johnson]

Had an orgasm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He came for taking his ring off. Now Aragorn's out there with the sword or, no, the fire fighting.

[Jake Johnson]

But if I'm watching this, I don't know what I'm supposed to do in the world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree. I'm gonna come in with a torch.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm lost. We're just seeing him. He's. I gotta see him talking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. He's gonna talk here.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, now we're at minute 218.

[Rob]

He doesn't t talk that much. That's why I don't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's why he's a hot man.

[Jake Johnson]

That's good for role playing. I would have gone with you to the end.

[Sarah]

Oh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Into the very fires of Mordor.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. He's touching a lady's breasts. Or Elijah Woods.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think that's Frodo.

[Jake Johnson]

He's touching Eliza woods boobs. He's going to kill Frodo. Frodo can't get his Whopper out of his pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Run. It's not a Whopper.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I call Whopper. I call swords Whoppers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm calling anything Whoppers.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even the sandwich from Burger King.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so here we could. He's a hot. He's a hunk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But he doesn't say a lot, which I think is good for this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Rob]

He's not a big talk when you first meet him. He's, like, literally just, like, in a corner in a room being really, like, quiet and weird and mysterious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just need the outfit.

[Jake Johnson]

So you don't. You don't. He doesn't talk enough to blow it. All he's got to say is, like. Like, hello. Get in the bed. I was raised by elves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, sorry, I didn't mean to bring that up.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, it is a weird. By normal people is a weird part of my past. Not only was I raised by some elves, there were tens of thousands of elves. And me. I was the largest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was big. I didn't date in that world, obviously.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think, Christine? It feels like. Feels like we're kind of right there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would have the outfit picked out and just give it to him. Him. And then just be like, next time, come over in this. He's not a chatterbox, but he talks softly. Send him one clip where he's talking A little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Tell us what we're missing.

[Rob]

Christine, I think you should just give him lines to memorize.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Give him a script.

[Rob]

Like write a script. Five lines. No, just give him five lines that he can pull from and then say, don't. Don't deviate. And then whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, I'm going to say so quickly.

[Rob]

Whatever you're going to wear, you need to send a picture or something because there's got to be some incentive here. Okay. Yeah. So, like, I could do a really sexy outfit and be like. But you only get this if you're Aragorn.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Rob]

Yeah, yeah. Because otherwise there's no motivation. Especially if he doesn't like this. He's not gonna even know. It doesn't make sense if he's not.

[Jake Johnson]

Unless you're. That's a nail. So if you're willing, I'll wear this and play this role. If you wear that and play that.

[Rob]

Role, I think that would work really well. That's a way to make it a lot less like I'm just giving him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Jake Johnson]

Christine, this is a win. Follow up with us, okay?

[Rob]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

Will and Natalia, that's another victory for you.

[Rob]

I mean, I'm not going to ring the bell early, but.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but it's pretty good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You want a bell ring already, Natalie.

[Rob]

No, I'm not.

[Jake Johnson]

We should have a different nat attack bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she should just have a sound effect like a panther.

[Jake Johnson]

I was thinking the same thing. I was thinking like a. Yeah, wow. All right, Christine, thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Christine.

[Rob]

Yeah. Thank you guys for your advice.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Producer Sherlock here. This next call is a follow up from episode 164, a wig on a Wig. Hello.

[Rob]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, there. Welcome back to. We're Here to Help.

[Rob]

Thanks. I'm so excited to be here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, we're excited to hear who you are, what your original problem was and where we led you and what ended up happening. So can we get your name again?

[Rob]

Yeah, my name is Gemma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Gemma. Any idea, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

I remember the name Gemma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember the name Gemma, too. What was the original issue, Gemma?

[Rob]

The original issue was I wore wigs and I was going on a work.

[Sarah]

Trip and I didn't know how to convey to others.

[Jake Johnson]

Sweet American Girl doll.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. And you came to one of my shows, didn't you, Jim?

[Rob]

Emma.

[Jake Johnson]

I did.

[Sarah]

I did, yeah. My husband and I, we went to your show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

In Virginia Beach.

[Rob]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Virginia Beach, Yeah. What a. That was a nightmare. Gareth Reynolds. Dot com. That was a nightmare. So, Gareth, what promotion?

[Rob]

No, it was great. It was great.

[Sarah]

The milkman.

[Rob]

The old man in the front.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, that was the old. The old guy in the front. Jake. Wish you were there. So, okay, Gemma, what was the advice you ended up taking? Because you were. You were wearing a wig that you. You kind of had painted yourself into a corner by wearing a wig. And. And Jake made the comparison to the All American Doll. Is that what it was?

[Jake Johnson]

Gemma has great curly hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

In real life, so there's not a hair issue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And then for some reason, you put a wig on during zoos. That look made you look like an American Girl doll. And then you were. What do I do now? I spent like $400 on these wigs. And now you are going to, like, Florida or New Orleans or someplace really humid. And you were like, like, should I wear the wig? And Gareth was really sweet and said, like, who cares? Do what you want. And I was saying, yeah, until you jump in a hot tub, Jake's biggest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Fear is always, well, how does it translate to the tub? What about the tub?

[Jake Johnson]

That's my merch. But what happens when you jump in a tub? So, Gemma, think long term. The back. Think long term. Kids.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They hugged our kids.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Gemma, walk us through. What was our pitch that you liked? What'd you do? Where are we at here, pal?

[Rob]

The pitch that I liked was just fully embrace being the wig lady.

[Sarah]

Just kind of lean into it. Yes, lean into it.

[Rob]

Embrace it. And that's exactly what I've done.

[Jake Johnson]

So walk us through it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Rob]

So I went on the work trip, and probably nobody cared at all that I was wearing a wig.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You didn't jump in the tub, did you, Jake? She didn't?

[Rob]

No, there's no tub.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was there a T shirt?

[Jake Johnson]

That being said, we had the real connection right there, huh?

[Rob]

Yeah, there were. There were no tubs, no pools. Since I have embraced being a Wiggly.

[Sarah]

I did wear, like, different styles.

[Rob]

And so obviously, I think people kind of knew that I was wearing wigs. But, yeah, I've fully embraced it. I've got way more than I should now. Also, my husband has been incredibly supportive. I sent you guys some photos of my husband also wearing some wigs. Oh, wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So this is a household thing. Oh, wow. He looks like he teaches philosophy at Brown.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. All right, all right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, good luck.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, hey, hey, Gemma. This whole thing's going a little sideways here, pal. Yeah, Jake. Yeah, we're. Now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So your husband is wearing. We'll post these, obviously, but your husband. These are longer haired wigs, and your husband has a beard. You know, he Looks like. He looks like he followed the Beatles.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he does.

[Rob]

He does. And I've joked, he. He definitely looks better in some of those wigs than I.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so. So now we're a wig house. And I could tell Jake is. Jake's obviously more. I think Jake's more concerned. And I know what he's gonna say. He's gonna say, this is the world that I built with Gemma. And you know what, Jake, we love.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a Gareth world. And so Gareth, because we're a team. Ring the bell, babe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Gemma, is it a bell ring?

[Rob]

Yes, it is.

[Jake Johnson]

And then, Gemma, I got a question for you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Supes on.

[Jake Johnson]

You got any pets in that house? House?

[Rob]

We do, yeah.

[Sarah]

When I originally called in, we had four dogs.

[Rob]

Now we have six. So, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You mind putting the wigs on those dogs and sending in some photos?

[Sarah]

I.

[Rob]

Absolutely.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can you really do it?

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on now. Can you do something for us, Gemma? Your Christmas card, your holiday card? Can you put wigs on all the dogs, Dude. And your husband send a phone. Know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, absolutely. First of all. So you. You've added two dogs and nine wigs. The sweeping in this house must be increasing 150%.

[Jake Johnson]

How about this, Gareth? Just imagine what two years is going to be from now. 500 dogs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's going to be making wigs out of dog hair. She's like, it's fine showing up to work parties as the yeti.

[Jake Johnson]

I went to a work trip. I just shaved a poodle, put it on my face.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then she jumps in the hot tub and comes out.

[Jake Johnson]

And Gareth is going to go, just follow your own lead. If you want to be a bearded.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Boo, you need to be lean in. Okay? Just lean in.

[Jake Johnson]

But I'm going to tell you what I'm about stats and I'm about results. And this is a bell ring. And so therefore, this is wonderful. And if you. But will you do that? Put everybody, the dogs and everyone in a photo and send it to us and maybe do that as soon as you can. And we could throw that at the end of this and it'll be on the Instagram and the website and all that.

[Rob]

Yeah, yeah, of course, absolutely.

[Sarah]

Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

That means a lot. That means a lot. I would. I would say follow up again, but. Well, for God's sake, Gemma, what can we possibly follow up with? Just more wigs, I think.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it would be fair to have a quick wig update in maybe a few months.

[Rob]

My husband has joked that maybe he.

[Sarah]

Would call in asking for advice on.

[Rob]

How to get me to Stop buying wow wigs. Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, then it feels like we're not gonna take the call. Be honest. It feels stagey, but it feels st.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't produce, Jimmy. You just keep wearing those wigs and shining on you crazy producing dog. Producing a lot of hair.

[Jake Johnson]

Your husband's gonna call in with a staged call wearing a full wig, and Gareth is gonna go, let me pitch on that look.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think put one on the front too, cousin. It go, baby.

[Jake Johnson]

The only. The only way now is maybe turn the wig the other way and see.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Turn the other wig. Turn the wig the other way. Well, Gemma, congratulations. Thank you for the call.

[Jake Johnson]

This is April, then going to you, Gemma, just to kind of take us out. Are you glad you called the show? How you feeling?

[Rob]

Absolutely.

[Sarah]

I'm so glad I called. Thank you guys so much.

[Jake Johnson]

But thank you. But, Gemma, before we go, let's make this about us. If you were gonna give us a 1 out of 10, and I'm not talking about for your entertainment value, because I think a lot of people and the listeners are confused, and they think this is just for pure entertainment. It's not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How dare that.

[Jake Johnson]

This is an advice show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Was Gareth and my advice. Mostly Gareth. But we piggyback on each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We get there together. It's our process. Process.

[Jake Johnson]

We decided to say, even though clearly I didn't. I was screaming about, take your wig off. So now really eat and grow. But we decided to say, just be a wig family and put the wig on the husband. And everybody has this. Your original call. Has the question been answered in a satisfying way? Pretend this is customer service. You got one out of five. One being the worst, five being the best. How would you greet. How would you grade your servers today at this Benihara?

[Rob]

Five out of five.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. Send that to corporate. Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we're gonna pass it up the chain. This is gonna go all the way to Mr. Hana.

[Jake Johnson]

Or his beautiful wife, Betty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks for the call, Gemma.

[Rob]

Thanks so much. Bye, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Appreciate it. Good luck with those dogs. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hyde, Hollis, Jeff Porter, and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and Master by Chris Faller, theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Rob]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hi, I'm Jesse Klein.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm Liz Feldman. And we're the hosts of a new headgum podcast called Here to Make Friends.

[Rob]

Liz and I met in the writers room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a.

[Jake Johnson]

Show about murder, but more importantly, it's also about two women becoming very good.

[Rob]

Friends in their 40s, which can really happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it has happened to us.

[Rob]

It's true, because life has imitated ours.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then it imitated life.

[Rob]

Time is a flat circle. And now we're making a podcast that's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

About making friends, and we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Barrett.

[Jake Johnson]

Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow.

[Jake Johnson]

Feelings, They're a nuisance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nick Kroll.

[Jake Johnson]

I just wanted to say hi.

[Sarah]

I'm Matt Rogers.

[Rob]

I'm, like, on the verge of tears.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So good, so good to join us and.

[Sarah]

And hopefully become our friends in real life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Rob]

Take it out of the podcast studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Rob]

Spousing, True parenting, careering, and why we love Thelma and Louise and it's the greatest movie of all time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shouldn't need to be said.

[Rob]

No, we said it.

[Sarah]

It's just a true thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So please subscribe to Here to make friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on YouTube. New episodes every Friday.