179: Gareth's Faves: Nothing But Cats (Re-Release)

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help – Episode 179: Gareth's Faves: Nothing But Cats (Re-Release)
Release Date: June 11, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Description: In this re-released episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds revisit some of their favorite cat-themed calls. True to their style, they blend humor with heartfelt advice, offering listeners a mix of entertaining banter and practical solutions to quirky pet-related dilemmas.

---

1. Introduction to the Cat-Themed Episode [01:14 – 05:43]

Gareth and Kat Reitman reintroduce the concept of a special cat-themed episode, highlighting their enthusiasm for focusing specifically on feline-related caller issues. Kat mentions missing these special episodes due to frequent guest appearances, but Gareth emphasizes the fun and engaging nature of revisiting favorite calls.

Notable Quote:
Gareth Reynolds ([01:25]): "It’s a fun way to look back and look. If you want to complain, complain. But, but Jake, for this one, I wanted to do a full episode featuring cats."

---

2. First Caller: Aubrey and Her Cat Livy [09:03 – 25:01]

Caller Details:

• Name: Aubrey
• Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin
• Issue: Her orange cat, Livy, has developed an unusual habit of eating her earwax.

Discussion Highlights:

• Jake's Approach: Suggests trying to wean Livy off the strange addiction by offering alternative treats.
• Kat's Reaction: Expresses disgust and emphasizes the need to stop the behavior immediately.
• Gareth's Strategy: Recommends a firm, almost parental approach to firmly discourage Livy’s behavior.

Notable Quotes:
Kat Reitman ([12:18]): "You just say no. And when the cat gets close, you go, no."
Gareth Reynolds ([19:51]): "Aubrey, this ends today. She belongs to me and your mom."

Conclusion:
Aubrey commits to stopping the behavior cold turkey, with a humorous update noting that her new cat, Balou, has taken over the earwax-eating habit.

Update:
Aubrey later calls back to report that while Livy stopped eating her earwax, Balou has started the same behavior, humorously questioning if it's a win or just a shift in problem.

---

3. Second Caller: Maddie and Her Cat Sushi [25:41 – 38:16]

Caller Details:

• Name: Maddie
• Issue: Her cat, Sushi, has been humping her during intimate moments with her partner, Riley.

Discussion Highlights:

• Jake's Observation: Initially mistakes the cat's behavior as "making biscuits," a common cat behavior, before realizing it’s actually humping.
• Kat's Intervention: Encourages standard corrective measures like using a spray bottle to discourage the behavior.
• Gareth's Creative Suggestions: Proposes providing Sushi with a special toy or stuffed animal to redirect his attention, though Kat humorously critiques the idea.

Notable Quotes:
Jake Johnson ([27:40]): "She's obsessive with it. She demands it, and it's obviously weird and I need to stop."
Kat Reitman ([34:44]): "I'm creating a cat masturbating temple, you weirdo."
Gareth Reynolds ([35:26]): "I love you, Sushi."

Conclusion:
Maddie decides to firmly block Sushi from the room during intimate moments and intends to shower the cat with love to break the habit. The hosts express interest in a follow-up to see how the situation evolves.

---

4. Third Caller: Sally and Her Open Marriage [38:22 – 58:44]

Caller Details:

• Name: Sally (pseudonym)
• Age: 50
• Location: Western Massachusetts
• Issue: Considering opening her long-term marriage to a “hall pass” and navigating her husband's reservations.

Discussion Highlights:

• Jake's Experience: Shares his own healthy marriage and open communication approach regarding the hall pass concept.
• Kat's Skepticism: Warns about the potential pitfalls of opening a marriage, likening it to opening a "can of worms."
• Gareth's Advice: Suggests professional counseling and maintaining clear boundaries to prevent attachment to partners outside the marriage.

Notable Quotes:
Sally ([50:52]): "What is stopping you from doing it again without forming an attachment?"
Kat Reitman ([56:31]): "Here we go."
Jake Johnson ([48:21]): "I need to make sure we're both cool with what's gonna happen."

Conclusion:
The hosts advise Sally to carefully consider the implications of opening her marriage, emphasizing the importance of communication and professional guidance to maintain the strength of her existing relationship.

---

5. Host Banter and Humorous Interludes [Throughout the Episode]

Jake, Gareth, and Kat engage in light-hearted and humorous exchanges, often breaking character to inject comedy. These moments add a relatable and entertaining layer to the episode, making the advice sessions both informative and enjoyable.

Notable Moments:

• Aubrey's Introduction ([09:12 – 12:30]): Playful interactions where Kat and Gareth humorously criticize the unusual nature of the cat's behavior.
• Maddie's Mix-Up ([30:29 – 35:55]): A comical role-play between the hosts imagining themselves as the cat, Lily, and introducing the "rat" persona.

---

6. Conclusion and Teasers [58:44 – End]

The episode wraps up with promotional content for upcoming episodes and other projects by the hosts, maintaining the balance between content and necessary sponsorships.

---

Overall Insights and Takeaways

• Pet-Owner Relationships: The episode delves into the sometimes bizarre but heartfelt relationships between cats and their owners, highlighting the lengths to which owners go to understand and correct their pets' behaviors.

• Humor as a Tool: Jake and Gareth effectively use humor to address and diffuse awkward or troubling pet behaviors, making their advice approachable and entertaining.

• Real-Life Applications: While the scenarios are humorous, the advice provided often touches on real-life pet training and behavioral management techniques, offering listeners practical takeaways amidst the laughter.

---

Recommendation:
Listeners who enjoy a blend of humor and practical advice, especially related to quirky pet behaviors, will find this episode both entertaining and insightful. The engaging interactions between the hosts and their sincere efforts to help callers make it a must-listen for cat enthusiasts and anyone looking for a good laugh.

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Note: This summary intentionally omits promotional segments and non-content sections to focus solely on the core discussions and advice provided during the episode.

Transcript

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

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[Kat Reitman]

Out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we are back.

[Kat Reitman]

We got a Gareth special Wednesday release. I've missed these because we've had a lot of guests.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I, I think, you know, well, you and I were talking and trying to curate these a little bit more. But I agree. I think it's, it's fun. It's fun. It's a fun way to look back and look. If you want to complain, complain. But, but Jake, for this one, I wanted to do a. A full episode featuring cat and to answer anyone's question, not Mrs. Gingerbread, because it felt like we had a lot of the gingerbread going on.

[Kat Reitman]

And a lot of people hate it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of people are upset. A lot of people loved it. I still love it.

[Kat Reitman]

You know, it's been fun about season two and what I appreciate about the community.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Kat Reitman]

They've gotten very vocal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes.

[Kat Reitman]

But those who love the debates have been fun. It's just making it. It's a whole different galaxy. But it's been fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think since you said that the show returned because of the outpouring, I think people realize there is a. Oh, yeah. Democratization factor in this show.

[Kat Reitman]

And we hear you because we're making it up as we go. We're doing a lot of these episodes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. So a full cat episode for me, Jake starts with. And it might not be in this order, but the calls. The first one is my. Maybe it's got to be up there with my favorite you calls.

[Kat Reitman]

It's a cat one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Do you not remember the one where you really came out, you became a dad?

[Kat Reitman]

No, nothing's really the Gatlin for me is always you and Jose.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, this was a caller who called the show because she had found herself in the midst of a problem and she needed someone to talk to her and set her straight. And While I was probably pitching certain ways to wean her cat off of the cat's addiction, you decided that yelling was the best approach. And I think it ended up working the best. It's the girl who fed her cat her earwax.

[Kat Reitman]

Oh, my God.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And her cat was craving the earwax.

[Kat Reitman]

This is disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Disgusting. And I don't. We don't need to bring you back. This is disgusting. You were disgusted, as we all were.

[Kat Reitman]

And what were you?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I don't remember what I was pitching as much. I. I just remember the second you started. I wouldn't even say you pitched. You just shut down.

[Kat Reitman]

That's not a pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And. And it worked. I think it was what she needed to hear at the time the attack.

[Kat Reitman]

Is there any chance we could reach out to her and see if she could just send a voice note of how she's doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great. The second call is. Is one where basically there was a cat. I believe the name was Sushi.

[Jake Johnson]

Who.

[Kat Reitman]

This is a great idea, Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Who kept watching it's the sex and if. And I won't get too deep into it, but. But it's Sushi.

[Kat Reitman]

This is a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sushi was watching them have sex. And I mean, Sushi like to watch.

[Kat Reitman]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sushi like to be the cuck. And then the third one is about a cat named Kat Reitman. The cat we love having on the show. And this is Cat's first call on the show was this.

[Kat Reitman]

The cat, the. The dog and the rat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's exactly what it is. It's those three. And I think it was when. I think her appearance was one where we started going like we'd had guests and. And we obviously were into that. But she came in and she was so funny.

[Kat Reitman]

Totally right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That we were like, holy shit, this.

[Kat Reitman]

Is just really fun.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A lot of fun. So what a great idea to do cats themed. Gi A cat themed episode.

[Kat Reitman]

You just changed the game a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think people will like it and I really think there's. Everybody's winning on this one. So. So this is the Wednesday rerelease. This is. These are the cat centric episodes.

[Kat Reitman]

Enjoy the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Without further ado.

[Kat Reitman]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Rocket Money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kat Reitman]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kat Reitman]

This episode is sponsored by Kachava Kachava.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Kat Reitman]

I'll tell you what, Gareth, I brought it with me to Alaska. I was enjoying the goji berries, the chia seeds. I felt very healthy. It was 25 grams of a hundred percent plant based protein. I like the chocolate, I like the vanilla. It was healthy and delicious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like the matcha and the coconut acai. There's a lot of flavors, but like Jake said, 25 grams of protein, which is a lot. And like we said, the flavors are chocolate, vanilla, chai matcha or coconut acai. Two scoops, giving you a bunch of superfoods. No artificials flavors. No, not, it's non gmo. There's no soy, there's no animal products. But what it does have is great flavor and lots of protein. So you're gonna love it.

[Kat Reitman]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

It really does.

[Kat Reitman]

And it gives you everything you want. So if you're looking for something nice and easy to get all your health in, you could do it with fro. You can do it in a smoothie. I add a little bit of Peanut butter to it. I make a little smoothie in the morning with the ice and I enjoy it. So try Kachava K A C-H-A-V-A.com code here to help for 15% off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's Kachava K A C H A V A.com code here to help for15% off. Why don't I introduce you to start?

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey caller, thanks for joining. Jake has been pretty bad at the intros today, so we're going to let him handle this one. I give to you now, Jake Johnson. Jake.

[Kat Reitman]

Hi. Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi there.

[Kat Reitman]

Hi. What's your name?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm here.

[Kat Reitman]

Hi, I'm here too. What's your name?

[Jake Johnson]

My name is Aubry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aubry.

[Kat Reitman]

Aubry with a B. I mean, or D like. Or D like a plaza. I'm in a solid not funny zone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But. But it's become funny.

[Kat Reitman]

Agree. Okay. For you, it's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

For me, Aubrey starting the call with hi, like. She's like, is Kevin. I don't know who this is.

[Kat Reitman]

Like, does somebody else talk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

So Aubrey with a B, what city and state are you in?

[Jake Johnson]

I am from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, Milwaukee. The good land. Great state by a great lake.

[Kat Reitman]

You know, my brother had his bachelor party in Milwaukee.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you have Wisconsin ties. Oh, yeah, but. And I love Milwaukee show. Could be a show title. Spin off. Wisconsin ties.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, where Milwaukee you live in, Aubrey?

[Jake Johnson]

So I was in river west for a while. Now I'm on the outskirts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, beautiful. Milwaukee River East. That's great. Good for you. You drinking a lot of beer out there? How old are you?

[Jake Johnson]

Hell yeah, I'm 25.

[Gareth Reynolds]

25. Oh, what's your favorite bar? Let's give him a shout out.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Art bar is my favorite bar in riverwest. Amazing.

[Kat Reitman]

Art bar. Hey, everybody at Art bar, if Aubrey comes in, can we please give this woman a free drink?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, maybe a shot. What do you take shots, Aubrey?

[Jake Johnson]

I am definitely more of a sour beer girl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right, well, give her a sour beer.

[Kat Reitman]

All right, Aubrey.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

What's the call about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is it okay? I feel like drinking. Go ahead, Aubrey.

[Kat Reitman]

I would love a drink.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would drink. It is. What is it? Eleven I would drink. Okay, go ahead, Aubrey, what can we help you with?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, so I have an orange girl cat. She's really, really sweet but really frustrating.

[Kat Reitman]

Do you need me or is this just a Gareth call?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to the car, Jake. I'll handle everything.

[Kat Reitman]

It's calling from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I got a big fat cat and I'm a Little bit lonesome. And I wear a vest. Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I am Gareth's algorithm. I am Gareth Algorithm.

[Kat Reitman]

The person you are. Gareth's Instagram. Honestly, if you were four random people with not a lot of teeth from another country singing, you would be min. Okay, keep going. Orange Cat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Orange Cat. What's the cat's name? Aubrey.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Her name's La Vie. Like, c' est la Vie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kat Reitman]

It's cute.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. So a while back, she started digging into my bathroom trash bin and she pulled out my Q tip and she licked it clean off like a freaking Popsicle.

[Kat Reitman]

So this is what I'm saying about animals, is they're disgusting. They're not our children.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on. Well, you've got friends who've done that. Keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

So I'm like, naturally a curious person. And I was like, why the heck do you like earwax? And I fed it to her directly from the source.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If this cat talks, I'm moving on.

[Kat Reitman]

Hold the fuck on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you confronted her.

[Kat Reitman]

Hold on. Yeah, don't blow past this. You got a big old fat cat named Livy. It ate your earwax, and you picked your ear and gave it to the cat.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I was really curious to see if she'd eat it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I don't know. I missed that. I think I was so enamored that I didn't hear that.

[Kat Reitman]

This is animal abuse, is it not?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's hard to say, Jake. I mean, it's certainly.

[Kat Reitman]

This is real Wisconsin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In Wisconsin, they call earwax, the head pops.

[Kat Reitman]

A hundred thousand people in Green Bay are like, why is the guy being so mean, throwing a flag on the play?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let them play.

[Kat Reitman]

It's, you got food in your ear. Give it to your animals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now what are you gonna do? Was just going to sit in your head.

[Kat Reitman]

You know, they say money doesn't grow on trees. Well, food does grow in our ears.

[Sally]

All right, so keep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so you give the cat some of your ear candy.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm gonna barf.

[Jake Johnson]

So supposedly it's a protein thing.

[Kat Reitman]

Shut up.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually, not bad.

[Kat Reitman]

Shut up, Aubrey. Shut it. Don't you spin this, you mad woman. So you. You're claiming you have a protein source in your ear for animals?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

So then why doesn't everybody do this? Since the beginning of time, I'm gonna.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Start after a gym session, just start eating from your ears.

[Sally]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

Or your ears. And just feed it to random dogs and go to somebody's house and do this food source. Oh, my God, you have a beautiful cat. Do you mind if I Just pick my ear and feed. It's a protein source. I'll tell you what they're gonna do. They're gonna knock you out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sit. Good boy. Here you go.

[Kat Reitman]

All right, so keep going. You pick your ear, you give it protein.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. It's just so.

[Jake Johnson]

She's obsessed with it. Like, she'll come to me and she demands it. And I'm at this point. I'm at this point where she gets mad if I don't do it. And it's obviously weird and I need to stop. And so I'm like, what? What is something else I can give to her? It's all.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What other thing on your body?

[Kat Reitman]

You could feed the cat with cat food.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I just need something else to give her that's just as special cat treats.

[Kat Reitman]

So. So here's what I really feel like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This, Aubrey, you and I were vibing, we were connected, we were on the same page. And then you're feeding your cat from your head.

[Kat Reitman]

You know what I really feel like this call is. Aubrey. What? I honestly, in my gut feel. I feel like I'm out with Gareth and he's introducing me to his new girlfriend. And I'm sit. And you were all talking and you're telling it, and Gareth is drinking a red wine, laughing, going like, yeah, I get it. And I'm going, these two fucking banana head deserve each other.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or, or. Or it's like this where I'm like, look, I met a girl. We have so much in common.

[Kat Reitman]

She's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's great. She's a cat.

[Kat Reitman]

She's way younger than me is what you should say.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Than me. Which is decade, which is great.

[Kat Reitman]

Like, I'm like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like I'm dropping references that I think she'll know. And she's like, what's Wayne's World like? It's great. Do you know what I'm saying? It's just one thing. Little thing, little thing. Just again, not a flag.

[Kat Reitman]

What is it, buddy?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, she just.

[Kat Reitman]

Wait, let's do this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

All right, Aubrey, we're gonna play something out really fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right?

[Kat Reitman]

Let's do this for real.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. All right.

[Kat Reitman]

So Gareth and I are at catching up. Great record today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that was really, really fun stuff. You know, my girlfriend. Well, not my girlfriend, but this girl I've been going out with, she really.

[Kat Reitman]

Likes the young one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, she really likes the show.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or I mean, I think she just wants to come down and watch taping one day. I don't know if she's ready for the Camera, you know, she doesn't have a vest. But. But you know, the thing is that, like, everything's good, dude, she's from the same place as me. Like, we go out drinking.

[Kat Reitman]

She's from London.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, from Milwaukee. So we have the.

[Kat Reitman]

But aren't you from England? You just kind of fake Wisconsin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a confusing origin story. I'm not even sure, to be honest with you. But. But it's a bit of a mix match. But hold on.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm sorry, one second. Yeah, can I get another beer for me and whatever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll have a Malbec, please. So, yeah, I'm so sorry, one second.

[Kat Reitman]

Thank you so much. Yeah, of course. I'll take a selfie. Really? So you like that too? Yeah, wonderful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Oh, you like new girl. You've watched. Have you seen the last season?

[Kat Reitman]

Okay, they haven't.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No. Or they have and didn't really register.

[Kat Reitman]

Sorry, hold on. Nice to meet you, Steven Spielberg. I'd love to talk projects with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Spielberg, eh? Hello?

[Kat Reitman]

Keep going. I'm so sorry. Hold on one second.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. You can't go out with Jake.

[Kat Reitman]

Hello, Business manager. Yeah, it's done. What? On the stock market? Well, I guess we need to give. What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The stock market.

[Kat Reitman]

We need to give all that to charity because that's my vibe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Clearly there was no one on the other end of that phone call. So she's great. And she has this cat and I love this cat. Her cat's name is La Vie. C' est lavi. C' est La Vie. Exactly. So French, which AJ adore, is the language of love.

[Kat Reitman]

Ajadorc.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okie dokie. And so it's great. The one thing is that the cat and her, I guess have this. They've developed this sort of thing where she feeds the cat her earwax, which I don't love, but I'm also willing to kind of like. Like I really like her. Like, everything about her is great again. I mean, she likes sour beer, you know, she's down for. It's pretty. She's great. We're hanging out in river west when I go back, so. But. So there's all that. But she's. Yeah, the cat, I guess, pines for the protein, I guess. There's a lot of protein in your earwax. Nobody would know that, obviously. But she's feeding the cat the. Her earwax. And I mean, I'm not saying like she. Like there's, you know, she's got like a special nail. Like she calls it the digger. And so she takes the.

[Kat Reitman]

I don't think you need to invent stuff. This story is as weird as it gets. Aubrey, before the digger part, how did you judge you?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, it's weird. I completely own that. I'm a weirdo.

[Kat Reitman]

So the question is, how do we get out of this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

But, Jake, allow me to just.

[Jake Johnson]

The question is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Aubrey. Do you have a specific figure, finger and nail, that you do it with?

[Jake Johnson]

I do not.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, damn it. So it's really spreading the wealth over there.

[Kat Reitman]

So, Aubrey, the question is, now we've set it up, we're all three on the same page, we got to get out of this behavior, Correct?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

So then it can't just be a.

[Jake Johnson]

Catch rate because she doesn't care about that as much. It's like.

[Kat Reitman]

So I got my first pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go.

[Kat Reitman]

You've created a crack addict.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

You don't say to a someone you love who is smoking crack all the time, well, let me give you less crack. Or let me give you heroin. Or let me give you this other pharmaceutical drug. You know what you do? You handcuff them to a radiator, let them sweat it out for four days as they barf in a bucket. And then when it's all over, you're talking cold turkey. It's a fucking cat that's locked in between the walls of your apartment. You just say no.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Come on.

[Kat Reitman]

And when the cat gets close, you go, no. And when it goes to your ear, you go, we both made a lot of mistakes, but it ends now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't care how we got here.

[Kat Reitman]

We got here cause of my bad behavior, but we're gonna get out of here because of my good behavior.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aubrey, how long has this been going on?

[Kat Reitman]

Good question.

[Jake Johnson]

It's been about two years already.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. Aubrey.

[Kat Reitman]

Aubrey, now listen to me. I'm way too old to be a partner. I'm talking to you like you're my child. You listen up, young lady. Are you out of your fucking mind? You're feeding a cat earwax for two years. You stop this right now. We're not. Gareth. We're not doing three pitches. This is a one pitch call. Aubrey, stop feeding your fucking cat your earwax. You hear me, young lady?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think we got a clip. I mean, we definitely got a clip.

[Kat Reitman]

Aubrey, do you. I'm tell. I'm talking to you now like a dad. Do you hear me? This is our part.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She can hear you very clearly. She's got nothing blocking it.

[Kat Reitman]

Aubrey, this ends today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, my God.

[Kat Reitman]

I'll tell you what, honey. I'll drive up there with your mom. I'll take the cat from you mom and I will be there in the Oldsmobile. I'll leave Chicago after work today. I'll be there by 7:15, okay? I will take that fucking cat and I will bring it back to Des Plaines where your mother and I now live. Do you understand what I'm saying, young lady? It ends today. Yes, sir, it ends today. If you stick your finger in your ear and you give it to this cat one more time. Livy belongs to me and your mom. Am I crystal clear, young lady? It ends today. Say it back. And the other thing I want today. The other thing I want you to do. Are you near that cat?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay, the second you get home. And honey, I had to do this to you when you were a kid about some of my yelling. You look eye to eye to that cat and you apologize for your behavior. You say to that cat out loud, and I got certain friends, Eric being one of them that believes animals can understand English. And he talks to them like they understand English. And then he goes, they're smarter than you think, brother. And I go, are squirrels smarter than you think? And he goes, you ruined everything. So I want you to look in that cat's eyes and I want you to say, I am sorry for my behavior. We are in a world of trouble together. And I'm gonna be the adult and get us out of this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aubrey.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think I needed to hear that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Aubrey. I needed to hear that.

[Kat Reitman]

Aubrey, you are in a cycle of madness and we need to pull you out before it gets worse and worse. Who knows what else. This cat's gonna be begging to eat out of your body.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How old is the cat?

[Kat Reitman]

It's going to be dead soon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's four. So half of her life she has been thinking that eating ear Amber is. Is normal. Yeah, I honestly, I had little pitches, like you could pretend the treat comes from your ear. But I think Jake is right here.

[Kat Reitman]

Your pitches.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I think if you. I think you maybe you're doing the Indiana Jones. You know, you've got the idol and the bag of sand. Again, a reference. You're gonna have no clue what I'm talking about on Aubrey. But some of our.

[Kat Reitman]

She's like the movie with Shylock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. She's like the crystal skull.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, O. We're talking. I think we're talking Raiders of the Lost Ark. So maybe what you could do is get like, you know, some kind of Little, like, treat that is like a.

[Kat Reitman]

Little package to put it in your ear. Well, put in your.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You just put your finger in the treat and then you fake dig in your ear. So we don't have to put treats in your ear because then you could be going to a rapid care and then you're sort of showing the cat that treat, and you could kind of do that for a little while. But I think.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jake's right. That's just methadone.

[Kat Reitman]

But do you need to. Do you have any other little guys? Because that's. There's a fun thing to that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's. That's really it. You sold me with your rage.

[Kat Reitman]

So I. I don't mind. I do think there's something really funny about putting them fake in years, but I still think that you got to just go cold turkey. Aubrey, what the hell are you going to do here? We're. We're back to you here, lady.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I think I just need someone to tell me to knock it off and just quit cold turkey. I mean, it's gotten to the point where, like, other people know about it and it's weird. Obviously.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is.

[Jake Johnson]

I just need to stop.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

It's at the end of the day, you know? Look, we're not really judging. If you knew everything that the old Garf man and Jakey J has done with stuff out of our ears to even begin, you would realize you're not the weird one. We are. But it is time to stop this shit. And by a week and a half from right now, this thing's gotta be a distant memory from your past when you went down a weird alley. But it's time to go to the street where the street lights are on and people could see what you're doing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I. Unfortunately, Aubrey, I think we all know the truth. And Jake hit you with a heavy dose of it. And it's time to stop. Not just for you, but for the cat and just for anyone who you get close to. This is. This is a flag. So not great.

[Kat Reitman]

Will you follow up when you have executed this? If there is a backlash from Livy, which there will be because you've created an addict, but when she's out of her phase of addiction, will you give us a happy ending update?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And maybe if we could get. Maybe we could get a video of the process of kind of getting her off the junk.

[Jake Johnson]

Junk?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you know, maybe a video of Livy pining for the junk.

[Kat Reitman]

If she's going after your ear, will you film on your phone you telling Her? No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

That's a great idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I will. Okay.

[Kat Reitman]

Hey, Aubrey. We wish you the best. Good luck. But it ends today.

[Gareth Reynolds]

My God.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, thank you, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks for you, Aubry. Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye. Bye. Take care.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was. That was incredible.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello, this is Aubrey with an update on my cat who loves earwax. I did stop giving it to her from the source, and she slowly. Eventually, she stopped biting me and pestering me, but I have noticed. So we recently got a new cat, and his name's Balou, and she eats his earwax instead. So I don't know if that's a win, but at least she's not eating mine.

[Kat Reitman]

Hi. Who's this?

[Jake Johnson]

This is Maddie.

[Kat Reitman]

Hi, Maddie. How you doing?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm good. How are you?

[Kat Reitman]

Good. This is Jake, and you're on with Gareth the Garfman Reynolds.

[Jake Johnson]

Hello, Gareth. Hello, Jay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Maddie. How are you?

[Kat Reitman]

So what can we do for you today? What's the issue at hand? What can we try to crack open? As the three of us, your partners in crime here, we're on your team. What do we got?

[Jake Johnson]

So the other night, my cat was in my room while I was doing the deed. And ever since then, he has been just nonstop humping me, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

When you say the deed, is this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is there a co signer on the deed or is this your mortgage?

[Jake Johnson]

There is a cosigner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a co signer. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

There's a cosigner.

[Kat Reitman]

Because if the cat watched her, masturbated, then started humping her, it's a very different question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's just an odd.

[Kat Reitman]

Then the cat's saying, like, I'm right here. I am right here. I love you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, yes, yes.

[Kat Reitman]

Cause then it's not a question of jealousy, it's a comment on love and loyalty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Arguably, a bigger issue.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah. Motherfucker, I'm in love with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's go.

[Kat Reitman]

Put down that fucking flashlight. I am in love with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What were you looking for?

[Kat Reitman]

So you had somebody over. You guys did what came naturally to you two and your cat. What's your cat's name?

[Jake Johnson]

His name's Sushi.

[Kat Reitman]

Sushi. And how long have you had Sushi?

[Jake Johnson]

Three years.

[Kat Reitman]

What's this guy's name, if you don't mind me asking?

[Jake Johnson]

His name's Riley.

[Kat Reitman]

Riley. Riley and Sushi.

[Jake Johnson]

He will be listening to this.

[Kat Reitman]

Let's be honest. Is the thing that Sushi saw you and Riley do. Were you guys pulling out some moves that were new to Sushi. Was something about this special?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Was this a special event?

[Kat Reitman]

Was it special? Exactly. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you know, it was. It was a good one. I mean, it just felt like he was more ingrained in this one, you know?

[Kat Reitman]

You talking about Riley or Sushi?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, we got to use names. Okay. Sushi.

[Kat Reitman]

So it seemed like you and Riley were really connecting. It was going well. Both of you were going well. You're performing at a high level. And Sushi was into it.

[Jake Johnson]

He was invested. And, you know, at that point, it was like, I can't really just stop this to kick him out. And he screams at the door, you know, when I lock him out. So it's. It's not like it's a mood killer.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay, so the cat is a little possessive of you to begin with.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. To begin with. Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

Really quick pause and then we'll get back into it. Gareth, I know you have a tattoo of your cat on your arm you're impressed by. Has Jose ever watched you have sex with? Another follow up question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does Jose scream to leave? I'll answer Kevin's first. No, thank you. Everyone would want to be part of the show. And he has. And he's. Yeah, I mean, but not in the way ever where I feel like he's in any way observing something he enjoys. He always looks like, what's going on? He looks freaked out.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

As anyone would be if they saw me in the act.

[Kat Reitman]

Can I ask a question, Maddie, about this? So you and Matt, you and Riley have sex. Sushi watches, Riley leaves. How soon after that does sushi make his move on?

[Jake Johnson]

Right, yeah. That was probably like an hour or two after.

[Kat Reitman]

So a couple hours after Riley leaves, Sushi goes, my turn. Jumps on you, starts humping. And what do you do, Maddie? You just shove that little puss off?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Cause he starts doing it and I'm like, oh, he's just making muffins like usual.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry. Real quick, Maddie, let me jump in here. For those of you listeners like Jake or other people who maybe are not familiar with making the muffins, AKA making the biscuits, depending on the regionality of your cat, that is when the cat will get on a blanket or something soft that they enjoy, and they'll be sort of. No, Jake, please. We're trying to keep it wholesome. This one's for the kids. And the cat will start to sort of use their claws and they'll kind of like a baker would knead the dough. They'll kind of start kneading the blanket to prepare it for themselves to sleep in it or rest in the.

[Kat Reitman]

And you thought Sushi was making the biscuits when he started humping Mattie?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Cause it was like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Biscuits.

[Kat Reitman]

Quick pause. Has Riley come back for a second time?

[Jake Johnson]

He has come back and he's aware of the new situation.

[Kat Reitman]

Did Sushi watch round number two?

[Jake Johnson]

He may have been in there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, wow.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great question. Let's label a great question when we hear one. Great question.

[Kat Reitman]

Thanks. So Sushi has. Now, can I just ask again? How many times has Riley been. How many times has Sushi watched you and Riley have sex? Over. Under. Is it five?

[Jake Johnson]

Probably under five.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay, under five. So more than two?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is.

[Jake Johnson]

I would say three. I would say three. Let's go with three.

[Kat Reitman]

So can I ask you a question, Maddie? This one's. Now, I hate to be. Sushi seems to be a little predator, and I don't want to be on the Predators team here, but can I ask you a question?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

If I had sex with my partner and a dog watched, and then later the dog tried to fuck me, I don't think I'd ever have sex in front of the dog again.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, no, that's right.

[Kat Reitman]

Because I would say I think I'm teaching this dog to get on top of me. Maddie, you've done it three times without an adjustment. What's happening here?

[Jake Johnson]

I know. Okay. That was probably the second to the last time, and I think it's just like. I just forget he's there, and I. You're right. You're right. I need to. I need to make this adjustment.

[Kat Reitman]

So I think I got a zone. Unless. Garf, you want to jump in? No, I think I seem to be chomping.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I am. I'm ready. I have some thoughts, so I feel like we've got it. Well, okay. This is what I would say. Since. Since the situation has happened thrice, has your relationship with Sushi remained the same? Is there awkwardness? Are you loving Sushi? When I say loving. Affectionate towards Sushi? More or less.

[Jake Johnson]

I think, you know, keeping my distance a little.

[Kat Reitman]

That's heartbreaking because I don't want that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Really?

[Kat Reitman]

That's not what he wants. But that's not what Sushi wants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is. No, no, no.

[Jake Johnson]

I just, you know, we're working through it.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think in order to work through it, what I would suggest is you. There's. Look, doesn't help that. I'll be frank. Your cat now knows how to fuck. But what I think will be helpful will be if your Cat feels like they're. It's not like I. If I put myself in sushi's headspace, Sushi's like, I'm losing you. And sushi's wires are all crossed and crazy. And so sushi is doing what sushi can do to keep you. And then the fact that you're maybe allowing some distance is driving by the.

[Kat Reitman]

Way you doing this emotional cat POV talk with a. The painting of a cat behind you is an out of body experience for me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Kat Reitman]

Matty. You can't see this. He has a tattoo of his cat on his arm and behind him is a painting of his cat. And he's talking about how the cat's point of view is afraid of losing him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

This is just the most emotional I've ever seen the Garf man in my life. Garf keep. You're in it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm cooking. So I think the worst thing to do is for you to allow sushi to think like, oh, yeah, there's a difference now. So what I would suggest is that you overdo it with kindness, with sushi. Lots of affection, lots of love. Make sushi feel like there's no worry that sushi's gonna lose you. And on top of that, I would suggest maybe a little. I mean, we've all seen dogs do it. They'll curl the blankets up and they'll go to town. I would suggest maybe a little. A little sushi, pal. A little, you know, a little stuffed animal. Let me finish. A little stuffed animal. We'll call wasabi or something like that. Just something there that if sushi needs. If sushi needs a.

[Kat Reitman]

What kind of level of perversion are you pitching here, you creep? A little fuck toy for.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is a bifurcate. This is a bifurcating.

[Kat Reitman]

They make masturbating toys for animals and people buy it.

[Jake Johnson]

They have animatronic cats.

[Kat Reitman]

Oh, my.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I. I mean, I'm not saying we get real doll for the cat, but I'm just saying maybe a little outlet for. For the sushi push.

[Kat Reitman]

That's all really good emotional advice. And I think that could work. Here's another solution. A. A spray bottle of water. And when the cat gets on, you spray it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no. Like this.

[Kat Reitman]

Go, get out of here, Sushi. Go, get out of here. Stop trying to me, you weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not oppos. I'm not opposed to a. Like sushi. No, Susie, No. Yeah, I know.

[Kat Reitman]

Gareth, what you're pitching is this Sushi. No. Go make love to that Weird toy. I got your name while I watch. Because we live in a world of weirdness and madness in this apartment.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm pitching. I'm pitching.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm creating a cat masturbating temple, you weirdo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm pitching sushi. No, but sushi. It's okay. I love you.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love you, Sushi.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay, listen, but hold on. Now let's go. You went in the POV of sushi. I'm going in the POV of Rylan. I go there for the fourth time. She's like, hey, that was so fun. You wanna get in bed? And I go, yeah, we get in bed, it starts getting on. The cat starts watching. She goes, hold on. Sushi. No, sushi go to wasabi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm talking about a sushi.

[Kat Reitman]

And I, as Riley, go, riley. No, Riley, out of here. I'm hearing crazy person.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm saying we do the sushi. No, for the hump. For the sushi humping. I'm not saying we need to. How about this?

[Kat Reitman]

If you're Riley and you go to a woman's house and you go like this. Oh, is that your cat? Oh, my God. It's fucking that pillow. And she goes like this. Oh, that's wasabi. It's his fuck toy that I got him walking out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Kat Reitman]

Yes, I would. If I went to someone's house and there was a dog openly humping a pillow, and I go, hey, man, your dog's humping a pillow. And he goes, I know. I got that pillow for her. It's a fuck pillow. I would go, what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no.

[Kat Reitman]

So, Maddie, in the end, Gareth recommends you give this cat as much love as you can.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, I will.

[Kat Reitman]

You give it a little fuck toy, and when it tries to hump you, you go, no. But then you instantly fill it with love. I recommend Riley comes by and gives it some attention. You never allow the cat to be in the room while you have sex. And you definitely don't get it. A fuck toy. Now, at the end of the show, what we like to do is. What do you think you're gonna do?

[Jake Johnson]

I think. I think I'm gonna take this all in. I'm gonna. I'm gonna just firmly shut him out the door. I'm gonna give him some love. I'm looking at him right now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the vibe?

[Kat Reitman]

What's his vibe?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's the vibe?

[Jake Johnson]

He's in the corner. He's sleeping.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kat Reitman]

He's faking, that little pervert.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's all Wiped out.

[Kat Reitman]

He nails, you're on a zoom. He's like this. I'm flying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once you hang up, I make the move. Sushi strikes.

[Kat Reitman]

So you're gonna. You're gonna show Sushi some love.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

You're going to block sushi out of the room.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Kat Reitman]

And is that it, Maddie? Is that where you're at?

[Jake Johnson]

That's where I'm at. Thank you, guys.

[Kat Reitman]

Thank you so much for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Keep us. I'm very invested in this one. And I don't know if it's just because I have a cat, too, and a painting of my cat behind me, but please let us know in like a month or so how this develops, please.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm curious to see every cat, what happens with the break.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Manny. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, guys. Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi there. Thank you. Hello. You are on. We're here to help. You've got Jake Johnson, co host. You've got Gareth Reynolds. And we have an extremely special guest joining us for your call. So you should be very excited. Okay. Truly, one of my. This sounds bad, but maybe one of my oldest friends in the business ever, a friend of mine who I met on the forgettable show the Real Wedding Crashers, but she is unforgettable. Outside of that, you have the great Kat Reitman joining as well. So you've got three heavy hitters with advice.

[Sally]

Hi there.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So can we get your name? Unless you'd like to change it. We're offering a pseudonym. And can we just get your age and then we'll get into how we can help you?

[Jake Johnson]

Sure. So I'm going to use the name Sally because, like Sally O' Malley, I'm 50 years old and I live in the great state of western Massachusetts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Love it.

[Kat Reitman]

And Sally, great state of western Massachusetts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a whole other world out here.

[Kat Reitman]

The state is. State is massive.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pick up a paper, Jack. All right.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm excited to go to the big battle between in western and eastern Massachusetts. What a fight.

[Sally]

Don't go there. Not on this podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't go there.

[Kat Reitman]

You know what? You're right, Kat. We're not political. We like the west and the east side of Massachusetts.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a civil war, okay?

[Kat Reitman]

Fighting for the lobster and the fucking tea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Never surrender. Okay, Sally, so why don't you tell us why you're calling it?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, well, I've been with my now husband for about 22 years. We got married 11 years ago. Thank you. We raised pair twins together. They're now out of school and going.

[Kat Reitman]

To Work boys or girls?

[Jake Johnson]

Two boys.

[Kat Reitman]

Boys. As Bert Kreischer would ask, conjoined. Are they fraternal or identical or connected? He literally asked. We did his podcast. And he goes, because I have twins too, Sally. He goes, you guys got. You have twins? And I go, yeah. And he goes, are they conjoined?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God, that's a great follow up. I'm gonna use that.

[Kat Reitman]

So you got twin. You got twin boys and they're fraternal or identical? Sally?

[Jake Johnson]

They are fraternal.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

I also have two adult daughters, but they're from a first marriage.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Kat Reitman]

Still count?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I don't count those. They don't exist.

[Sally]

Are they conjoined?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can we have them?

[Jake Johnson]

No.

[Sally]

Ok. Can we have them?

[Kat Reitman]

Conjoyed.

[Sally]

Is that what you asked, Gary?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, just. I know a guy. He's the best. He's the best. Okay, Sally, keep going.

[Sally]

So what's the problem, Sally?

[Jake Johnson]

So it's not really a problem, per se. So when we first got married or got together as a couple, my husband was a virgin. He's a very shy person, very introverted. He's fresh out of the Marine Corps. And so here we are, fast forward all these years later. We've had an incredible marriage. We're very happy, love each other, yada yada, all that great stuff. And back then, when we first got together, I would routinely want to sort of say, you know, maybe we need to slow down, you should go and experience the world. I had all these experiences. And you have it. At the time, it wasn't something that was important to him.

[Kat Reitman]

I love where this is going, Sally.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So do I.

[Kat Reitman]

Keep going, keep going, keep going.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep 41. But back then, I had even said to him, you know what, listen, if we're gonna do this thing and we're gonna be in a committed relationship, I need you to know that at any point, if you feel the need to go out in the world, try something different, you get a hall pass. Right.

[Sally]

Who did he bang, Sally?

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody. Honestly, it was like we'd forgotten. Like I had forgotten about it, but clearly he hadn't. So about a month ago, it came up.

[Sally]

It came up or you brought it up?

[Jake Johnson]

Well, see, that's the tricky part. It sort of accidentally came into my line of vision. So he had asked me to check something on his computer. This always starts this way, right? Here we go.

[Kat Reitman]

By the way, that is your third intense. Here we go. Kat.

[Sally]

I'm waiting. I'm desperately waiting.

[Kat Reitman]

I know, but you are really ready to get mad. Your catchphrase on this is Here we Go with Kathryn Reitman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a pod within a podcast.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah, here we go. All right.

[Sally]

I'm dying for a spin off. I'm dying for a spin off.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah, yeah, Here we go is the spin off. So, Sally, how do you accidentally find it? Walk us through that.

[Sally]

And what do you find?

[Jake Johnson]

I just. So all I did was I went to type in the search bar, right? Yes. Me go on my computer, just hop in my email and just forward this thing. And I just, like, opened up the browser. You go to type into, you know, the bar, put an address in, and, you know, it always comes up with, like, history or, like, recent. And it was very innocuous. It was something like how to remind your wife about a hall pass.

[Kat Reitman]

Here we go. Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

And that was it. So I.

[Sally]

It's the only thing he's looked up for months.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I'm sure.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, right.

[Sally]

So how do you approach him about it? Is this the kind of thing that you just casually or like, like, you know, do you admit that you found it?

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah, good question.

[Jake Johnson]

I did. I did. We're very open, and, you know, and I just said, hey, just, you know, when I was sending you that thing, I happened to notice, and he got really embarrassed.

[Kat Reitman]

Of course he did. It's embarrassing, right?

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm just like, listen, like, if this is something that we want to do. He goes, okay, hold on a second. He's like, like, you offered that to me over 20 years ago. He's like, clearly that doesn't count. And now it's like a new thing. He's like, how does it make you feel?

[Kat Reitman]

He's backtracking. He's backtracking. Hold on, Sally. Sally. Something you want, Sally? As a guy, I know his move. He doesn't Google it to say, like, it's the last thing I was thinking about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We shouldn't even be thinking about it. Where is this coming from?

[Kat Reitman]

Check my second Google search. And it's how to tell a wife that the hall pass she mentioned. I want nothing to do with.

[Jake Johnson]

With.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Google.

[Kat Reitman]

That's not what he Googled, by the way. What can we call your husband, Sally? Let's give him. Let's give a name.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, let's call him Jack.

[Kat Reitman]

Jack and Sal.

[Sally]

My question, and I believe, more importantly, Here we go. Is do you think Jack was curious about, like, hey, I'm just trying to awaken, you know, my franken beans? Or is it I saw someone, I connected with someone, and I purely am interested in her being the hall pass. And does that worry you? Does that excite you? Where are you with it?

[Kat Reitman]

Ooh, if it's that, that's dangerous. By the way, Kat, that was my first spit take of this podcast we've ever done.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, here we go.

[Kat Reitman]

On the computer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's a real. Here we go.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah, that was a real. Here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kat, how are you already holding up? Merch for Here we go with cat, right? Imagine this kind of play plan. And I'm like, here we go. And Kat. Right, Here we go. We're here to help.

[Sally]

My problem with the original podcast is they just didn't ramp it again. You know, they can ramp it all the time. Sorry, Sorry, Sally. Jack. Why did Jack bring it up, do you think? Or did he admit it?

[Jake Johnson]

So. Oh, yeah, actually. So he owned it, right? So he was like, yeah, I did do that search. He's like, I was just looking, you know, he's like, we had that conversation a long time ago. He's like, we're gonna do this. He's like. He's like, I think we should have fair. Like, talk to his therapist first and just make sure that we're both cool with what's gonna might happen, you know? And I. I kind of gauged his interest in it.

[Kat Reitman]

Like, I can tell you his interest 100% sure.

[Jake Johnson]

I said, like, on a scale of one to ten, like a thousand thousand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean nine, nine, six, if your feelings aren't hurt.

[Kat Reitman]

A hundred thousand. He's at a nine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Moments of nine, but usually like a two. Like that. That was his sort of response the.

[Kat Reitman]

Second after he masturbates. The second it's done, he's at a 2. About an hour later, he's back to a 9. Catherine, you had a. Here we go. What was your Here we go?

[Sally]

You know, I'm ramping. I can't stand that ramping. Sally, I'm gonna ask a very intrusive question, and feel free to tell me to F right off, but how's sex? I mean, I imagine you've been married a significant.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's good.

[Sally]

Okay. You feel satisfied.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm very happy for each other still. Yeah. My husband's gorgeous, and the marriage is good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Everything else is good too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm gonna jump in here, Sally. So you guys have brought up a hall pass, which takes us to right now. What is the question for this podcast? What can we help you with, Sally?

[Jake Johnson]

I guess the question is how, number one, how can I convince my husband that I really am on board? Because he seems to have lots of reservations, which is normal.

[Sally]

Does he have reservations?

[Kat Reitman]

I think so. I think Jack seems shy enough. He doesn't want to ruin his love story, doesn't want trouble. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Part of it to him was like, you know, he's like, also on the other side of the same coin. How many people do you know can say that? He's like, we just love each other. You know, and it's like, because our marriage is good and because we have a good open communication, he feels that it's, you know, if we were ever gonna do it, now's a good time.

[Kat Reitman]

Right?

[Jake Johnson]

The kids are grown, we're both happy.

[Kat Reitman]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, and he extended the hall path to me too, which is hilarious. He's like, okay, so the number one.

[Kat Reitman]

Thing is how to convince. How to convince him that, that you're okay with it. And then two. Is there a second part to this of if you do go forward with it, who does he do it with?

[Jake Johnson]

Zach.

[Sally]

Can I just pause? I'm just gonna pause because I have a feeling both of these very progressive, open minded, awesome guys are gonna say, absolutely convince him to do it and then find the person you wanna bang. And my God, what a world. But my concern. Here we go with cl.

[Kat Reitman]

By the way, she's smoking a Capri cigaret.

[Sally]

Yeah, listen, listen up. I just have just ashtrays everywhere, everywhere.

[Kat Reitman]

And books behind you that are so dusty.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go. Here we go. As number 10 on Spotify right now.

[Sally]

I don't even know coming from, because.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'Re just recording this right now.

[Sally]

It's live. I've got six podcasts going at all times.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's all fucking live wild.

[Sally]

I just can't wait to get off this so I can get onto another podcast and blast. That's jazz. Listen to me, listen to me. Sally, Sally. Here's my concern, and I'm not gonna pretend like a lot of very healthy marriages have had a moment where they discuss like, you know, I'm in this for the long haul. At one point, would you consider this, Here we go. Opening the marriage up. Trying this, trying, here we go, here we go. But what I always come back to, and you can call me closed off, is once you go and dip your foot in that water, what's to stop you from going, hey, whenever I got that itch, I just go do it again and does that in any way, like, and I know you're being cool and you're being awesome and he's a virgin coming into this, so you're trying to like, expose Him. And that's so open minded and cool of you, but is there any part of you that wants to honor yourself for a sec?

[Kat Reitman]

Ooh, here we go.

[Sally]

And just, just think about, does this spoil the pond?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

So you're saying dipping your toe into this might spoil your beautiful pawn that you've got with him. Is that where you're going with this, Cap?

[Sally]

I guess so. I mean, you keep saying how beautiful your connection with him is, that the sex is still strong. I know this great relationship, you sure you want to mix that up? Maybe that's what you need. Maybe that's not. I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's my big concern, right? I mean, that's what I shared with him almost immediately, you know? Okay, will you say one hand are. We're all. We're all great and everything's fine, you know, so why would you want to risk putting a wrinkle in that?

[Kat Reitman]

I'm going to go in a slightly different direction here than where Cat was going. And I'm going to go with, here we go. This. Here we go. My version is not a Capri cigarette. It's a cigar and like a whiskey. Because guess what? Here we go. And I'm on the radio every fucking morning. Let me tell you what guys want here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cat.

[Kat Reitman]

By the way, we have a spin off, Cat without Gareth. And it's the gal. I was gonna stay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just got iced out.

[Kat Reitman]

Here we go with Jake and Cat. No, my nickname is. My nickname is the dog. Cats and dogs.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm the rat.

[Sally]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Maybe. Come on, let me work.

[Kat Reitman]

I know. Did you say you're rat?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Kat Reitman]

Nice. Cats and dogs.

[Sally]

Listen, you're embarrassing yourself a lot.

[Kat Reitman]

A little bit of cheese.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The rat doesn't get in this. Come on. Come on. I really. I need this more than anyone. Stop it.

[Kat Reitman]

So, Sally, here's where I'm gonna go with you. This man, he's fallen in love. He seems to be a great husband. You seem to be a great wife, and you guys seem to have a great thing. Thing. What I would be nervous about is because when he has sex with somebody else, he's gonna go like, wow, that magical thing I do with Sally, I can do with others, right? And then, you know, you might get addicted to, as Garrett says, is the cheese. But there is a professional path, because you cannot get addicted to paying somebody who, you know, doesn't like you, you know, is not interested. But it is a professional service. So I would go. If you're gonna go down this road, do not meet A random woman where he's like, dude, we got coffee. She likes the same movies as me. Pass on that path.

[Jake Johnson]

Right?

[Kat Reitman]

You've heard from the cat. You've heard from the dog. It's time to hear from the rat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me cheese it up and hope that my neck doesn't get snapped by a contraption that outsmarted me here. Sally, stop.

[Kat Reitman]

Garrett.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, Doug, get out of here. Rat time. You're in the hole with the rat. We live in the walls. And Sally, pull up a mini stool. Cause I got a matchbox. I sleep in.

[Kat Reitman]

Kevin, cut all the rat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The rat, by the way, the rat right now on Spotify2804. So things are not good on the rat pad.

[Sally]

Not working.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not good on the rat. Cat.

[Kat Reitman]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is what I would say. I think everything that that has been said is true.

[Sally]

What a horrible. What a generic statement, Red.

[Kat Reitman]

After all that setup. It's all true. What a rat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I just want. I just want to promote.

[Kat Reitman]

I just want cheese. And I want to live in your filth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I want to. I just want to promote my sponsor. I obviously, if he is looking for that, this. He wants this. Right? So I think to some extent it's gonna happen. Yeah, I think it's there. It's gonna fester. I think you kind of have to honor it to some extent. You seem to have a great attitude, not only about this, but just about all of this. You're very understanding.

[Sally]

Are you kidding on her?

[Kat Reitman]

No. The rat's trying. He's trying to be liked so that his podcast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I think you gotta do, what I think you gotta do is find a rat for yourself. No, I think the way to do it. It is to. Yeah. Be included in the process. And I think to what Jake's saying, I definitely think you want to make this as detached as possible.

[Kat Reitman]

Yep.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And so that's what I would do.

[Jake Johnson]

Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would just go some professional. I don't think. And the good news is, I don't think anything like that to him is necessarily going to open up a Pandora's box, especially if you guys are being so healthy about it now. I think that will just kind of give him a taste of what else is out there. You say you have a very sex. Very healthy sex life and a very sexy health life. So I think that it's going to be, like, just a good way for him to scratch that itch and not really worry about it from then on. So I think, like, I might honestly, like, my gut would be like, you know, I would I would feel more worried than you do. So I just think go the route where he can kind of just get it out of his head and you can talk about it healthily, and he's not gonna be able to form some attachment. So I think you do honor it. And I would just go the route that Jake is sort of pitching. The dog.

[Kat Reitman]

Cat respond. I see you wanting to respond to the rat. Cats and rats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's a.

[Sally]

Look, first of all, you never trust a rat. Anyone knows that. You don't trust rats. You kill them. You kill them. You get them out of your house. I think this is a can of worms, Sally. That's what I think. If you were my close friend, and I feel like you are.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't get weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go.

[Sally]

Don't get weird.

[Kat Reitman]

Here we go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In the worst way.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a different process.

[Sally]

I think it's a can of worms. And I think that, like, everyone I know who's either opened their marriage to a threesome or, like, just this one time or the escort for me, I feel like there are so many ways of sexing up your sex life with your partner that doesn't open up this can of worms. And I'm sure you've already explored it and it sounds like you already. It sounds like this is gonna happen like dog said. So I don't want to step on it. I would just keep communication lines open and, you know.

[Kat Reitman]

So, Sally, you've heard kind of three options here. What do you think you're gonna do.

[Jake Johnson]

If we do go forward with this? It's definitely gonna be with a professional, but Kat mentioned something about, you know, bringing something home to spice it up. So maybe I'll just come up with some creative interludes for us and, like, you know, just divert the attention away to something else, like. But I'm open to it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean, obviously we're invested in this story, so if you can keep us posted, please. You know, maybe we could do a follow up.

[Kat Reitman]

I would say keep us posted if you go the third. But if the. The follow up is like, we have even bonded more, then enjoy your enjoy it and then enjoy it. But if you guys go a third.

[Jake Johnson]

When there's an update.

[Kat Reitman]

Yeah, if there's a real update, we're very interested. And, Sally, thank you so much for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, Jake wants an update if it's a ratings winner. Thanks, Sally. And thank you, Kat, for joining us and helping us. Remember, listen to Kat's new podcast. Here we go.

[Kat Reitman]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hall, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki and if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Sally]

All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[Kat Reitman]

Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hi, I'm Jessi Klein.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm Liz Feldman, and we're the hosts of a new headgum podcast called.

[Jake Johnson]

Here to Make Friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Liz and I met in the writers.

[Jake Johnson]

Room on a little hit TV show called Dead to Me, which is a show about murder.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But more importantly, it's also about two.

[Kat Reitman]

Women becoming very good friends in their.

[Jake Johnson]

40S, which can really happen.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it has happened to us. It's true, because life has imitated our.

[Jake Johnson]

Lives and then it imitated life. Time is a flat circle. And now we're making a podcast that's about making friends. And we're inviting incredible guests like Vanessa Baer. Wow.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I have so much to say. Lisa Kudrow feelings.

[Kat Reitman]

They're a nuisance.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nick Kroll I just wanted to say hi.

[Kat Reitman]

I'm Matt Rogers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like on the verge of tears. So good, so good to join us.

[Jake Johnson]

And hopefully become our friends in real life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, take it out of the podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Studio and into real life. Along the way, we are also going to talk about dating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Spousing, true parenting, careering, and why we love Thelma and Louise and it's the greatest movie of all time. Shouldn't need to be said. No, we said it. It's just a true thing. So please subscribe to Here to make friends on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watch video episodes on YouTube.

[Jake Johnson]

New episodes every Friday.