194: Bucket of Frogs & Some Guy Named Roy

Summary

Podcast Summary: We're Here to Help - Episode 194: "Bucket of Frogs & Some Guy Named Roy"

Release Date: August 4, 2025
Hosts: Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds
Episode Title: Bucket of Frogs & Some Guy Named Roy

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Introduction

In Episode 194 of We're Here to Help, hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds dive into two intriguing caller dilemmas, blending humor with heartfelt advice. True to their style, Jake and Gareth offer creative, albeit unconventional, solutions while maintaining a lighthearted banter throughout the episode.

---

Call 1: Colton's Froggy Fiasco

Caller Details:

• Name: Colton
• Age: 26
• Location: Oklahoma

Issue:
Colton reaches out seeking advice on managing his girlfriend Kelly’s obsession with frogs. Kelly, a four-year-old, has developed a habit of catching frogs during outdoor activities and bringing them into their home, much to Colton’s dismay. This has escalated to the point where Kelly hosted a frog-themed birthday party and even received a turtle that bit her.

Key Discussion Points:

• Understanding the Behavior:
  Jake empathizes with Colton’s predicament, acknowledging the challenges of cohabiting with a child’s unique interests. He relates by sharing humorous anecdotes about generational differences in hairstyles and interests, creating a relatable atmosphere.

• Creative Solutions:
  Gareth and Jake brainstorm various ways to address the frog situation without stifling Kelly’s enthusiasm. They suggest building an outdoor frog enclosure using household items like buckets and chicken wire, aiming to provide a designated space for the frogs while keeping them out of the house.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson [13:47]: “Gareth loves this. Gareth is something.”
• Gareth Reynolds [15:38]: “Kelly. Okay.”

Advice Pitches:

1. Build a Frog Palace:
   Utilizing materials like four-by-fours, chicken wire, and kiddie pools, Colton can create a safe habitat for the frogs in his backyard. Jake humorously adds, “[...] you can build a palace where this little girl can go inside” ([17:05]).

2. Engage Kelly with Involvement:
   By involving Kelly in the creation of the frog enclosure, Colton can turn her fascination into a collaborative project, fostering responsibility while managing the frog influx.

3. Educational Approach:
   Creating a kid-friendly educational segment about frogs could help Kelly understand the importance of keeping frogs outdoors. Gareth suggests, “Let it go,” [08:43], tying it back to the episode's ayahuasca theme.

Outcome:
Colton decides to construct the frog enclosure using existing backyard supplies, aiming for a removable setup due to their rental situation. He expresses optimism about managing Kelly’s frog adventures with the hosts’ creative input.

---

Call 2: Sarah's Stalker Jogger

Caller Details:

• Name: Sarah
• Location: New Zealand

Issue:
Sarah is troubled by a man who consistently runs past her home every morning, seemingly making direct eye contact through her window. This behavior continues despite her attempts to confront him in public places like the dog park, where he ignores her. Even after implementing visible deterrents like a sign reading “Stop Looking, Keep Running” ([58:47]), the issue persists, prompting Sarah to seek further advice.

Key Discussion Points:

• Evaluating the Situation:
  Jake and Gareth analyze the behavior, suspecting underlying motives possibly related to a pyramid scheme or cult-like activities within the church basketball group Sarah mentioned in her follow-up call.

• Strategic Advice:
  The hosts propose a multi-faceted approach to reintegrate into the group and uncover the truth behind the man’s persistent presence.

Notable Quotes:

• Jake Johnson [35:00]: “It's like, you're lucky. So it's not.”
• Gareth Reynolds [38:42]: “Do not suck Roy's dick.”

Advice Pitches:

1. Direct Communication:
   Colton and Josh are advised to send a clear, honest message to the group, explaining their discomfort and expressing a desire to reconnect and resolve any misunderstandings. Jake suggests, “[...] send a text to the group right now” ([46:16]).

2. Persistent Engagement:
   The hosts recommend continuing to show up at the basketball courts on Tuesday nights to re-establish connections, despite previous lack of response. Gareth humorously encourages, “Show up at the courts with six dudes ready to go” ([42:38]).

3. Introducing a New Scheme:
   In a tongue-in-cheek suggestion, Jake and Gareth propose creating a new, harmless pyramid scheme as a means to infiltrate the existing group dynamics, highlighting the absurdity with lines like, “You’re in the middle of the waterfall, you’re just getting wet” ([41:02]).

Outcome:
Sarah reports that the sign effectively altered the jogger’s behavior, causing him to change his running path and cease direct eye contact. She expresses relief but also concern about potentially having created an awkward situation, especially as she’s planning to move out.

---

Conclusion

Episode 194 of We're Here to Help showcases Jake and Gareth's ability to navigate callers' unique problems with a blend of humor, creativity, and genuine concern. From managing a young girl's frog obsession to dealing with unsettling neighborhood behavior, the hosts provide actionable advice wrapped in their signature comedic style. Notably, their spontaneous and often hilarious pitches, such as building a "frog dojo" or launching a new pyramid scheme, highlight their improvisational skills and deep camaraderie.

Notable Closing Moments:

• Colton’s Kids Show Attempt [25:07]:
  Colton humorously tries to emulate a children's show segment, saying, “These froggies, they got... they got moms and houses of their own” ([25:30]).

• Final Advice on Pyramid Schemes [43:10]:
  Gareth and Jake further delve into the absurdity of pyramid schemes, concluding with, “We’re talking about... Roy is incredible” ([38:33]).

Closing Remarks:
The episode wraps up with lighthearted banter and a reminder for listeners to email their questions, staying true to the podcast's friendly and approachable vibe.

---

Key Takeaways:

• Humorous Problem-Solving:
  Jake and Gareth excel at providing unconventional solutions that entertain as much as they inform.

• Engagement with Callers:
  The dynamic interplay between the hosts and callers creates an engaging and relatable experience for listeners.

• Balancing Humor and Advice:
  While the advice may sometimes verge on the absurd, it underscores the hosts' commitment to helping others in their unique ways.

For those who haven't listened, this episode promises a blend of laughs, creative solutions, and the charismatic chemistry of Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, making We're Here to Help a must-listen for anyone seeking both entertainment and a fresh perspective on life’s quirky challenges.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a headgum podcast. And we are back. Gareth, tell us about this weekend of a few weeks back. It was July on July 20th, folks. That's where. July 22nd, right. Now, this intro is August 4th. But Gareth did ayahuasca. We were texting last night. I want. Well, I've been watching a show called Making the Band with my kids on. It's a Netflix show where they're trying to form a band. And every. First of all, I need to say publicly, I was wrong. Gareth does not have a perm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

I have been wrong. And the reason I'm wrong is men of our generation. Gareth, what you're doing with your hair is insane.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

It's utterly insane for our generation. We both know, and it's why you always correct me that that looks like a perm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a permit curling cream.

[Jake Johnson]

But I did not realize I knew some YouTuber little boys. All the guys all like the cute boys that my girl. My daughters watch who' make like travel shows. There's a guy, I send a Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I had a travel show. I had a travel show show 20 years ago.

[Jake Johnson]

You're a.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop, stop, stop. Let's. Let's do this. Let's have this conversation and not talk about age. Can we do that?

[Jake Johnson]

I'm relating to you. I'm. I'm your age. We're geezers, dude. You know when we're on a zoom with Eric and Steve, you know how old they seem? That's how we seem to everybody else. When Eric's going, I bought socks from Columbo. And then you're going like this. I curled my hair like a YouTuber. They don't go, that's a 20 year old boy. They go, these are four guys sniffing 50, sniffing it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eric's not our age.

[Jake Johnson]

Eric's no man's age.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Eric is a time. Eric is ageless. Eric was, okay, maybe old, but he'll be here forever.

[Jake Johnson]

He better be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He will be.

[Jake Johnson]

If the lights on Eric ever went off, just turn Earth off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, how great will it be when we get to sell all.

[Jake Johnson]

His shit 40 bucks later? Then what?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's gonna be like. We're gonna. It's gonna be like Bill Walton.

[Jake Johnson]

Next time he comes on and we do another chat. I was mad. I was. Gareth and I were texting. I listened to the Wednesday episode at Natalie and it was so funny with them and I was saying just how great they are, but we've got to bring something up for a while. Eric was wearing this ill fitting trench coat and it came out of nowhere. It was similar to the perm. One day Eric and I were hanging out, the next day just were on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The path of admitting not a perm. So I don't even think. Let's not use the P word.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Similar to.

[Jake Johnson]

But it was the same thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was one day similar to the styling cream.

[Jake Johnson]

One day you were Gareth, the next day you were this whole other guy. Eric did that with a full on private investigator type trench coat that was so not his style. And looked. It was like 1984. It was like mid-80s. It was a wild look. And so knowing me, where did he.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you know where he got it?

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. There was some guy who was on some TV show in the 70s who was a private investigator like McLeod or something like that. Somebody. I can't remember the name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is Dennis Weavers.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly what it is. It's somebody like. And he goes. I could finally go. I was keeping it together because we were in mixed company. And then once the other people left, I went like, what in God's name is that jacket, you maniac? And he was like, you're threatened because I look good. And I was like, no. And he goes, oh, I'm a fucking. Looking like a fucking PI and you look like a rat, Jacobus. And I was like, I'm curious of what's happening. And it was some guy's house who was on some show in the 70s, had a state sale. Eric bought it. It had like literal garbage in the pockets that Eric's. I'm saving it. This is a Kleenex from like Jack Weaver brother. He was not Colombo, but a less successful one. His.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've got to support these guys, dude. They're us.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right. His story of it will lead off our next. I can't wait to chat with him. It is one of my favorites. But I was watching Making the Band and I finally realized it because my daughter and I will send Gareth videos of this one YouTube boy. He makes these YouTube videos where he's just got. He's. He's what all these kids are doing. He's got the curling.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would say you've sent me seven videos in the past two days of him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, well, no, Gareth, he's different. Well, those are different boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right, Right.

[Jake Johnson]

But it used to just be this one boy. I would watch him and I'd be. This is insane. And my kids love him. They think he's great. Then I started watching Making the Band, which is A show about. It's basically what Diddy did back in the day on mtv. Yeah, but now Netflix is doing it, but they're also doing it like, Love is Blind. We're in there in those stupid cubes. For some reason, all the white kids, all the boys have curly, creamy hair now. Yeah, but Natalie, it's like, you know, like, when bell bottoms must have started. Like, people from another generation must have been like, but why are the ankles so big? I don't get it.

[Colton]

Garrett's trying to make the band.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Leave him alone.

[Jake Johnson]

All these boys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm in one of the cubes that nobody's come and checked on me in quite a while. I'm just sitting in one of the cubes.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think anybody's. Plus 31 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I took ayahuasca in one of the.

[Jake Johnson]

Cubes, but I realized, puke in my cube. These boys are not getting perms.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

They're just all. There's.

[Colton]

And.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know, there's some animal that. My daughter called it Apocalypse. What is it called? Alpaca.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Alpaca.

[Jake Johnson]

But I was like, it's not alpaca hair. There's a new thing, and it's curling creams.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this about ayahuasca still?

[Jake Johnson]

How was it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was great.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wait, the caller's here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They are. They are here.

[Jake Johnson]

They.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It just fully. I think this is pretty good for an intro.

[Jake Johnson]

But how was the ayahuasca?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was great.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm dying about it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was great. It took. I had to take a lot of it.

[Jake Johnson]

How come?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because I couldn't get through. You kind of, like, try to break through, and I had decided to take the max dose.

[Jake Johnson]

But why couldn't you break through?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Are you getting it? I don't know. It's hard to explain. It's like. It's. I don't know. I mean, you're asking a lot of here, like, of the substance to make you feel like you're having the experience that you want, which is like, one where you're really, like, fully leaving your body. And I couldn't, like, get there, so I had to take a massive dose. And so it was long. Long and insane.

[Jake Johnson]

And so is that because you've grown an immunity to the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, it's not. It's. It's like. It's just kind of head space and a combination of factors, but it's not that. It always takes me a. It always takes me, like, two hours to get into it.

[Jake Johnson]

Weren't. Was it you saying it last time or somebody else saying it. That there's a time when you're done with it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've never remember that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, then maybe it was somebody else has. Maybe it was Neil. Somebody was saying that. And it's not like you grew. It's not like you want to be done with it, but there's a time when like the substance is done with you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's interesting. I've never heard that, but that, I mean, it really is kind of. It's. I mean, it sounds crazy to anyone who. But no, you definitely like you're listening to a substance is what it feels like, which is just. And as insane as that sounds.

[Jake Johnson]

So what were the big takeaways of this one or the big moments?

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was. It was just so visual. And I would say to, you know, try to, as always, it's always try to be like, you know, good person, all that stuff. But try to let stuff go that if it doesn't. If it's like, if it doesn't bring you joy, let it go. If it doesn't bother you, let it go.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's what the substance was saying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's what my takeaways were from the substances influence. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And so does the substance is the idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I forgive you for the curling cream stuff. That was a big part of it. The perm thing, all that stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

What have I done?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's not a perm. And I let. I'm letting it go. It's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't have to let it go. You can. I'll bring it back. I'm not gonna let it go.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let it go.

[Colton]

Let.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let it go.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't take the weird potion and diarrhea in a tent.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop calling it a potion. Nobody diarrhea. Not in a tent. And it's not a perm.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Further ado.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is sponsored by Skylight. Skylight calendars are the at home calendar that takes the old school calendar and makes it digital. They became a sponsor because I became a customer. I saw this on Instagram. I knew my wife would love it. We used to have that big calendar in our kitchen where everybody could see it. Now we've got it with Skylight. You could also put kids chores on there. You can do lists. It is very easy to do. I've been a big fan of it. And if you're not a hundred percent thrilled with your calendar in the first four months, you can return it for a full refund.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It basically syncs a multiple calendar household into one, I've actually started to link calendars with some people that I'm working with. And what Skylight does that is so exceptional is it gives you that kind of united wall calendar vibe. So it can put everything into the skylight calendar. And Jake and I organically were talking about it on the show before we started working with them because Jake was like, I can actually see what my whole week looks like, my whole family's week looks like. I just personally like having the fact that I can have a calendar up on the wall. I could see my stuff up on the wall. I'm still hooked on the wall calendar. That's just how I am. It couldn't be easier. It syncs seamlessly with my Google calendar. People I work with have Outlook. It's putting it all up there and making it so easy to use. You can assign people colors, whether it's your family members or whatever, so everyone knows what everyone else is doing. You're done forgetting stuff.

[Jake Johnson]

Right now, Skylight is offering our listeners 30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcal.com heretohelp go to skylightcal.com HereToHelp for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That is skylightcal.com hereToHelp this episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hulu Make It a New Girl Summer on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. This summer, folks, it's time to watch New Girl on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. There's nothing like going back to the beginning and seeing Jess and Old Nick meet for the first time, watching Schmidt chase after Cece and laughing along with coaches and Winston's shenanigans. And then go back to this show and listen to all the episodes where they're on it. Because they're on this podcast and they're on A New Girl on Hulu. And just about every guest star is here too. All the laughs, all the hijinks, and all the fun, they're all waiting for you to stream. So make It a New Girl Summer stream on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus Make It a New Girl Summer streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus This episode is brought to you by Hulu animehem. Picture a magnet attracting all your favorite animated shows. That's Hulu animehem, your animation destination.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can catch all the shenanigans on classics like the Simpsons, Futurama, American dad, and many, many more. Hulu animehem is your animation destination Stream now on Hulu On Disney plus for.

[Jake Johnson]

Hulu and bundle subscribers, terms apply.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Colton]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi.

[Colton]

How you guys doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Good.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How are you? Welcome to the show. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, all that good stuff?

[Colton]

My name is Colton. I'm 26 and I live in Oklahoma.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, Colton, 26, Oklahoma. That seems good enough. What's going on, Colton?

[Colton]

So basically my girlfriend has two kids, but one of them's four. Just turned four. And she's kind of like. She loves frogs, basically. I know it doesn't really sound like a problem, but, like, every time she walks outside, she grabs a frog, she wants to bring it in. It's her new friend, you know? And then everybody, like her mom and everybody's, like, helping her. They're getting her, like, habitats for the frogs. I'm like, I don't want these frogs in my house. But I feel. I also feel bad. Like, I'm like, am I being rude by not wanting this little girl to have her frogs or.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I mean.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going, Colin. This is a good. Gareth loves this. Gareth is something.

[Colton]

Well, that's most of the question. But we also. We just had her fourth party. We just had her birthday party two weeks ago. Frog themed. The whole thing was frogs. And then her actual dad got her a turtle for her birthday. She's already gotten bit by the turtle. I'm like, can anybody not see what's going on here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What exactly is going on? Golden. You feel that? It's obsessive.

[Jake Johnson]

No, he feels like it's going sideways. She's into a weird thing. The turtles biting the frogs are gross. This is the wrong face.

[Colton]

We've got to draw a line. You know how big frogs outside all day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How big is the habitat that has been brought into your home?

[Colton]

They will just use any cup out of the. Out of the pantry. They'll use a cup from the house. Or when I pick her up from Hernanas, she'll have, I don't know, a bucket or something.

[Gareth Reynolds]

A bucket of frogs or just one frogs. Yes, of frog.

[Colton]

One time she had a bucket with, like 10 in them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the frogs will just go in the house and be living in various cups of yours and stuff.

[Colton]

Well, I usually am. Like, I draw the line at the door and it's a big deal. She cries. It's the end of the world when we have to let these frogs go.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I get.

[Colton]

And I'm like, I tell her, you know, these frogs have homes. They have mamas, too. And she's like, I'm their mama now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And I'm like, what is the.

[Jake Johnson]

What should we call. Great. Kidnapper says.

[Colton]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. I like the idea that you're like, they have homes like they used to. Not anymore. Now they're just like in your bush.

[Colton]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm the mama.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. What should we call your girlfriend for the sake of this call?

[Colton]

We can call her Kelly. That's her name.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kelly. Okay.

[Colton]

Secret. I guess.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does Kelly understand your POV on this at all? Is Kelly got your back or is she kind of like lighting up?

[Colton]

Yeah, she. She definitely understands what I'm saying and everything. But it's also when I'm not around, I come home and I'm like, have there been frogs in here?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You think they got side frogs?

[Colton]

I know they're behind my back. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huh.

[Jake Johnson]

This is interesting, Colton. And so have you tried? What have you tried?

[Colton]

Well, so far I've tried. You know, just. I want to get her like an actual something official and leave it outside. Maybe like. Yep. Like a bug catcher type of thing. So it's like the frogs have their designated area. I'm cool with that.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, that's what I was thinking. You know like how people have like for pet bunnies they have like those outdoor cages. Yeah. Colton, how are you with your hands?

[Colton]

Pretty good. I like to do whatever around the house.

[Jake Johnson]

If you were on a friendship male dating show, would you say like hang out in a garage, drink a coup beers, build something?

[Colton]

Probably not, but I try to work on my own car and stuff. Like I just YouTube it, but I don't really think I know anything.

[Jake Johnson]

But if you can. If you can mess around with a car, then you can build a outdoor frog run.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Little frog palace.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm talking about a palace where this little girl can go inside.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh.

[Colton]

Oh, crap.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's not hard. I'm going to tell you why that would be something.

[Colton]

I think I could.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's what I'm saying, Colton. A couple of four by fours in the corner and chicken wire.

[Colton]

Yeah. And like some just plants a little pad or something.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly. Right. My guy. Now there's cups from your cups from your girlfriend's house. Buckets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

A lot of grass. And guess what? Kiddie pool on the little kiddie pool would be perfect.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, a kiddie pool.

[Jake Johnson]

And guess what?

[Colton]

Kitty pools out there. I can see why there's so many frogs.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you leave the top open and they have happen to hop out. Okay. Actually be careful in case a bird comes in and just has an all you can eat before.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Watching you process, you hit the downside to your pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, all of a sudden, you're sitting there, and she's like, I got 11 frogs. And then two hawks are like, I have an idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got no frogs.

[Colton]

We got one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're out of frogs.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for presenting me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Did you hear they opened a little frog restaurant down the road? It's unbelievable.

[Jake Johnson]

The best part is there's a little girl hysterically crying while I eat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The. The waiter's weird. She cries the time that she feeds you, but Unbelievable.

[Jake Johnson]

He's a weird ass. I'm a weird ass hawk. What do I care? But what do you think about building a little frog dojo?

[Colton]

I could definitely do that. The only thing that I think might be a problem is we're trying to fence in our backyard right now, and we have, like, half of the supplies still.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some word.

[Colton]

If I do that, then people will be like, now when are you going to do the rest of it?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do you understand his concern?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. There. He's currently getting. Putting pressure to fence in his yard, and they're not even fully done with the supplies. So if he uses supplies to do a little frog palace, they're gonna go like, colton, how far away are you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

From having the fence built?

[Colton]

I mean, I think I just need another little bundle of fence.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So there you go. You're not too.

[Colton]

You know, you could do also maybe like a month.

[Jake Johnson]

But, Colton, this might be lining up perfectly here. Big daddy and I will tell you why. You're going to have scraps when you build a fence. I know that because I've built the fence. Not everything works out perfectly. And guess what? The girl does not need to go in the dojo. I was wrong. Build a little frog enclosure with your scraps from your fence and get a little bit of chicken wire. It could be small. It could be like a little dome world.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you know what? If you had maybe had the bat, you use the fence as the back of that little zone, you could paint it blue and make it kind of look like it's underwater.

[Jake Johnson]

That's cool.

[Colton]

Yeah, that would be cool. You could build a huge area right off the porch.

[Jake Johnson]

That's exactly right. And if you had two areas, if you had a corner, you could do it in. Well, you already got two walls. All you got to really do is chicken wire into the ground.

[Colton]

Yeah. And we are renting, so it had to be removable. But our ownership.

[Jake Johnson]

You're putting a fence up on a rental.

[Colton]

My guy, he's gonna go in on us with it. We have dogs and kids so for peace of mind, we would love the fence. And then he's gonna.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, so let's do the same thing for the very weird.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, that's fine. I get that. What I was laughing at was how Jake. Jake susses out any ripoff from a mile. He's like, well, I don't think so.

[Jake Johnson]

When we were renting an outwater, we put an art studio in the backyard, remember? And I. I had to pay for that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You did? Yeah. I mean. I mean, I remember a couple times I was doing stuff to my apartments, and I would be like, out of pocket.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll just do it. I don't want to.

[Colton]

Yeah. Most of the time, I'd rather just not wait.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like they do with me. I'm like, just, you know, let's just get this thing done. Colton, what are you thinking? Now, look, this isn't the silliest, most comedic pitch which I have, by the.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way, but we don't need that.

[Colton]

Yeah. Thinking was like, I don't know what. The only crazy thing I was thinking was, like, if they tell me I'm gonna put on a frog costume, I'm hanging up. But no, I'm. Go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mine would be when Kelly's gone, sit down, and you put on a documentary about the 10 most poisonous frogs scared out of her.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a man who doesn't have kids, Colton. Yeah, we're not doing that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was just saying if you. If you wanted to have the one that wasn't gonna make it.

[Jake Johnson]

What else you got, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's it.

[Jake Johnson]

I got one for you, Colton. You dress up like a frog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There you go. What do you think of that? Live your life is a fraud.

[Colton]

Literally, what I would say. I was thinking the worst was the worst possible thing that could make me do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But I do think that's a good idea. I. I definitely think the. If you. If you lean in and you have a zone for it, you know, you're owning it. You're owning the problem. And you're saying, you know, this is where you go. This is where this happens. And I bet you that she will want to put the frogs out there.

[Jake Johnson]

Versus, by the way, Garrett, your pants. You know, it could work with a four year old, and the audience is not going to like this. I hate to say it, because they're going to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Don't. Don't. Don't say it. Why would you say it? It's over. Let it go.

[Jake Johnson]

If Let it Go played how frogs from a very famous podcast called Piggly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And Mo, why they're gone.

[Jake Johnson]

How frogs need to not go inside.

[Colton]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

And if you played that clip and the best thing to do is to put an enclosure outside for them because it's really bad for them, she could listen, that's not coming from you, Colton. And then you could say, do you want to build the enclosure with me?

[Gareth Reynolds]

They died in a drowning.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm talking to Colton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm talking to Jake about reality.

[Colton]

Oh, my goodness.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think?

[Colton]

I think Tiglio Mo would work for. For Cali, but I think that she would just go, no, thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know, it's amazing. Here's a. Jesus.

[Colton]

I'll tell. I'll explain her. She just blows it right off. She just does not.

[Jake Johnson]

She doesn't care. So what if there was a kid show, like a Ms. Rachel called Mr. Gareth and Mr. Jake and we did a little finger.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let me know if you need to hear voice options, Colton. I'm ready to go.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, if we gave her an option of why the froggies need to be outside in an enclosure, you think she'd blow that up?

[Colton]

I don't think she would blow it off. I mean, it depends on how. If it's like hand puppets or something, she definitely would watch it. But I think just if I put it out there and build, you know.

[Jake Johnson]

This is an audio show. Yes, my king.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry.

[Colton]

I'm saying. I'm saying you guys are going. It's like too far. I think. I think if I build something out there, I think she would win. Definitely like it. And then I would have more like ammo to be like, see, I did this whole thing out there. So do not let the frogs come in here. Anybody, please.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Absolutely.

[Jake Johnson]

So then let's do this really fast before we go, because you're going to build something, Colton.

[Colton]

Yeah, I'm going to do this. I can see what I can do.

[Jake Johnson]

And will you send photos of it and then ideally video of her playing with the frogs out there in success?

[Colton]

Yeah, I could. I could try that.

[Jake Johnson]

And then last, before we go, Colton, you were worried about what we were going to make you do. So will you now do in a one minute version, your version of a Miss Rachel where you're talking to kids about why frogs need to stay outdoors? It's a kids show. Imagine with your hand, you're doing a puppet. Colton. I don't want you to get self conscious. I just want you to go for it. Use a little bit of that little kid voice. Hello, everybody. It's the worst. We all know it in Three, two, one, action. Colton.

[Colton]

Well, you know, same voice.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, that's the same voice, Colton.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We want cutie.

[Colton]

Sorry.

[Jake Johnson]

No, you gotta go cute. You gotta go cute to little kids. In three, two, one, action.

[Colton]

You know, these froggies, they got. They got moms and houses of their own. Do you want that frog to not be able to eat breakfast tomorrow? What are you even gonna feed this frog? Pizza? Frogs don't eat pizza. You gotta go out there, give it back to his mama. She misses that frog. Sorry. That's, like, exactly what I've been doing to her pretty much, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

It's pretty good, I gotta say. Pizza and mama.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That was Jake. The only reason Jake had you do that was to pay for our advice. But I definitely think you paid the toll.

[Colton]

Yeah, I think that I was so nervous before, and I kind of got over it, and now I'm nervous again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The call's over, so you're good to go. I wouldn't be afraid to put a little astroturf on one of those chicken wire walls either, Colton. Give it a real, like, kind of naturey, you know, child nature.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, you know what also could be nice, Colton, if you printed out a we're here to help logo, and it was in the back of the little frog dojo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a master brander. Always. You are so good.

[Colton]

We're here to rip it.

[Jake Johnson]

We're here to ribbon.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

On the bottom of it, a photo of Gareth and I. That little animated thing we do. Or the. Our little logo so the frogs can just on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Put it in the frog toilet. I think that's a pretty on more.

[Colton]

Oh, my goodness.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How you feel, Colton? That sound all right?

[Colton]

Yeah, that's pretty good. I think that's doable and. And fun at the same time, you know?

[Jake Johnson]

I think so, too. Well, thanks for calling in, Colton, and follow up with us. Okay?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, follow up. And, Colton, could we hear cutie Colton say thank you before you go?

[Colton]

Thank you. We're here to help. It was a good time.

[Jake Johnson]

Before we go, could you say thank you all for listening to we're here to help? Yeah, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're done with you. Sure.

[Colton]

Oh, my goodness. Thank you all for listening, but we're here to help.

[Jake Johnson]

Pretty good, Colton. Thanks, bud.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye, buddy.

[Colton]

All right. Have a good one.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys see about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. Call the Voice. I love the idea of pitching piggly and mo and people like, no, no, no, we don't want them. No, no, we're good. You try to bring them out of their grave.

[Jake Johnson]

So hard wait really fast. Leave this in Jesse for the end of the episode with the Pig Lean Motel. But I just, I texted Hannah because of the fun of the Kat Reitman thing. Hannah Simone we've been texting a bunch lately and I said, hey, you want to just jump on the pod for a bit today? And I was going to have her surprise and do a call with us and she wrote, I'm not home. I said, you want to jump onto some bit? And she said, I'm not home. Then she wrote, gareth is probably right. You are probably wrong. Unless it's about money. She's fucking funny, dude.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is so fucking funny. Unless it's about money. Oh my God. God, she is funny.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by hungryroot. Shopping, planning and cooking food really can be simple and stress free. Imagine having your weekly shopping cart filled for you and your meals for the week. Decided on taking all the work off your plate and making life easy. That's why I like Hungryroot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huge fans of Squarespace. I use Squarespace for all the calendars I use, whether it's going on the [e-mail] yeah, that's a plug for myself. It helps you pick your domain. It showcases offerings of your professional website. You can grow your brand, get paid all in one place and look. We have used Squarespace repeatedly on this show and we continue to. When we're talking about setting up some weird thing for the show, we never go anywhere else. We know we're going to get something that looks legit, helps the show and helps the person trying to do it with Squarespace.

[Jake Johnson]

We have used Squarespace many times on this great show. They've been a great partner for us. We've made a website for a fake restaurant and it fooled a lot of people. We've made a website for a fake cooking class because a woman was didn't want to tell her boss that she was taking a class to learn to be tied up sexually. It's a real story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

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[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Armchair Expert. If you love comedy, conversation and hearing famous people get a little too honest, you'll want to check out Armchair Expert. Every Monday and Wednesday, host Dax Shepard and Monica Padman sit down with actors, comedians, scientists, really anyone interesting for honest, curious and hilarious conversations about life. I have been on the show twice. I love it. Dax is a good friend. Go check out my episodes if you haven't already heard the show and allow that to be your gateway drug into Armchair Dax is the best, but some of the funniest moments they come from our listeners. Every Friday, Dax and Monica listen to outrageous, awkward and deeply human stories from fans on the phone in real time on their Armchair Anonymous series. From disastrous dates to family secrets, accidentally joining a cult and a poop disaster, you won't believe they've heard it all. It's relatable, chaotic and laugh out loud Funny. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app.

[Colton]

App.

[Jake Johnson]

Or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to armchair expert on YouTube. Hello.

[Colton]

Hello, hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Welcome to. We're here to help. You got Jake and Gareth. Who do we have?

[Colton]

My name is Eli.

[Jake Johnson]

Eli.

[Colton]

And I am. I'm his friend Josh.

[Jake Johnson]

Eli and Josh. We got two guys here, which is new for us. Where are you guys calling from?

[Colton]

Oh, we're from Kansas City, Missouri.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And what can we do for you, Elijah and Josh?

[Colton]

All right, well, about a year ago, I was invited to play basketball at a church with a friend from college. Not a church I go to, but it was his church group. We started playing for a while, and they were super strict about numbers, so we didn't have eight people. Then they would just fully bail. So I was tired of basketball getting canceled, so I asked if I could invite Josh, and they said, yeah. Around the same time, my friend that invited me, he stopped coming. So all of a sudden, I'm now a guest bringing guests. So I didn't have, like, much of a connection. I'd say Josh and I were two of the better players there. And as time went on, we started to learn some, like, kind of weird things about the group, like, you know, church basketball. So they were always, like, trash talking, but, like, a weird church way, and they wouldn't, like, like it if we trash talk back.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you give me an example of church trash talk, Josh?

[Colton]

You want to. You want to take that? Yeah. So I don't know if it's church trash talk, but one time I was on a team with Eli. They had this guy on their team we were playing against. I just loved, you know, talking trash. And he. Eli made a tough shot, and he said, oh, they're making ugly shots, or that was an ugly shot. Which, I mean, this leads into the story a little bit, I guess. But I. I didn't know that was a term, like, supposedly an affectionate term, because when I kind of called him out on it, I'm like, what? You mean ugly? What do you mean, an ugly shot? He was like, oh, you don't know? Like, that's a compliment. Whatever. That kind of started some tension. So I guess that's an example.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, he was definitely lying to you about that, but keep going.

[Colton]

Okay. He was. Oh, Garrett, that feels so good to hear. Because I was like, there's no way. Like, I've never heard that before. I thought it was crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was covering up. He was gaslighting.

[Jake Johnson]

Ugly shot means you weren't supposed to make it. It's a bad shot that went in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a bad. It's like, you're lucky. So it's not.

[Jake Johnson]

It's like when somebody banks a three pointer, you're like, you did. You didn't call bank. That's an ugly shot.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you pretend like you meant to.

[Colton]

Start getting defensive. So I'm. I'm glad to have this validation now.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, it's the same thing if somebody makes a bad call in poker but then wins the hand, Right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then they have to pretend like that's how you do it.

[Jake Johnson]

You're like, no. When you went all in, you were way behind.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And they're like, that's an ugly win. You won. Congratulations. But you won because of luck, people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Like, I knew. I knew what I was.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. No, dude, I had a feeling a heart was gonna come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I remember.

[Jake Johnson]

Shut up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know, dude.

[Jake Johnson]

I knew a jack was coming. I had a gut feeling. Yeah, right? A gut feeling on a bad beat.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're like. You just.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, you just got lucky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so keep going, guys.

[Colton]

Yeah. So there's, like, another time. One of them broke, so I invited a third friend, and he. I'd say Josh and I, two of the better ones. He's probably one of the worst ones, but they broke his glasses. And I didn't offer to pay for it. Like, there was, like, a lot of building tension, it felt like. But it really culminated when one night we get to the church, and we play pretty late, so there's never anyone there. The parking lot was full, the church was full. And we start asking them what was going on. And they were saying it was a financial convention. So we were asking more about it. And our third friend, Alex, he starts hearing. He's like, no, that. That's a pyramid scheme. And they're immediately, like, very defensive. They're like, whoa, no, that's not. It's no pyramid scheme. Like, we realized that they were also, like, in on it. We thought since they weren't there, like, they were. They weren't about it, But. So the next week, Tuesday comes around when we play, and nobody texts that we're playing. So I text, and no one answers. And then for three weeks, I text, and nobody answers about group and about basketball. And now it's just. It's dead. So we think we got kicked out because of this, and now they're secretly playing basketball behind our back.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what happened.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because the pyramids. Because you've recognized that there is a pyramid scheme.

[Jake Johnson]

I think it's twofold I think it was a dynamic that wasn't socially working guys. You guys were getting tense. You were talking trash to a bunch of church guys. Then they were clearly involved in a Ponzi scheme that they didn't know was a Ponzi scheme. They were being ripped off. And then you guys said, yeah, you guys are dumb shits and you're getting ripped off. And they said, who invited Elijah, Josh, and Alex in the first place? And they said, trevor, but Trevor's gone. And they go, these dudes are ruining our game.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, have you ever. Have you ever. Have you ever known anyone who's in a pyramids game, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

Not officially, but I. I've known two people. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And when you. You say you love pyramid games.

[Jake Johnson]

Pyramids Games.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pyramids. You love them.

[Jake Johnson]

I think they're the funniest thing ever.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I've. I've known two people who are in them, and both times I've been like, you're in a pyramid scheme. And they do not want to hear that talk at all. It's like they need the grace going through the process of realizing they're in a pyramid scheme while they keep asking you to, like, get a landline or something.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's the same thing about being in a cult.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, right.

[Jake Johnson]

Nobody in the early stages of being in a cult wants to hear their own. A cult. Now they go like, what are you talking about?

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're in a cult.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You're being insane. Roy is incredible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Roy talks to God. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Since I've met Roy and he started rubbing the back of my neck, do you realize I've worked more and I'm in better relationships?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a culture.

[Colton]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

Because we all wear orange all the time and we drink orange juice at 5 in the morning. We all have sex with Roy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It always ends with having sex with Roy, too. It always. It always starts with like, there's no sex. And then it's like, we're so happy that energy's back. Then it's like, Roy's been everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

It always starts with, we were a group of lonely people.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And he wanted to bring the best out of us. And very quickly, it's, they're rubbing his feet and sucking his dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, rubbing his feet. Some guy gives him a mansion or.

[Jake Johnson]

A barn, by the way, and then.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They'Re, like, growing their own crops. And then Roy's just getting his toes and dick sucked.

[Jake Johnson]

To anybody listening who might one day be in a cult, never, ever suck your co. If there's a spiritual leader and they say I am so tired. Would you rub my feet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no, no, no. There's got to. The whole thing is supposed to be that this person has, like, that he's beyond. Who's ever being deified should not also be wanting hand jobs like in the yard.

[Jake Johnson]

That's not a spiritual guru. That's just a dude named Roy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some guy named Roy who every day is like, wow, that's. That's Roy.

[Jake Johnson]

But this isn't about that. This is about Elijah and Josh and his basketball thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So I was gonna say, I. I think that. I think it's primarily the pyramid scheme. I don't know what is going on at the church, but I think Alex saying that.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Made them uncomfor.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

So then Elijah and Josh. What is the question?

[Colton]

Okay, so I guess the overall question is. I mean, you kind of already answered it, but, like, how do we find out if there is indeed still a secret basketball. Basketball group that's been playing all this time? And then if so, which it sounds like you guys think there is, but if so, how do we get back into the group?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, well, you might not be able to get back into the group.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you can buy into the Ponzi scheme.

[Colton]

How do we get back into the group without sucking Royce today?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Do not suck Roy's dick.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but look, if there's a little Ponzi scheme going on, the way these work is you just need new people to buy in and then you get paid a little bit. So figure out how much. Whatever they're selling is. Buy a bunch of plastic cups.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I. I guarantee. I guarantee you they'll be having like an Herbalife meeting over there where you don't have to necessarily buy in. It's not a bad idea.

[Jake Johnson]

All three of you pitch in. That's what you're paying for, for the league. You get a couple of cups. Get your aunt involved. You guys sell a couple of these cups. Just keep the thing going. Just keep the money flow going. View it as, like a waterfall. Just keep the waterfall flowing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a pyramid scheme.

[Jake Johnson]

It is, but eventually you're not Roy's dick. But listen, Gareth, if you're in the middle of the waterfall, you're just getting wet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Listen. Okay, that's. I actually really do like that option. I don't know what the ground floor is going to be on the base of the pyramid, but my guess is.

[Jake Johnson]

You'Re just in the middle.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just in a church. It's not going to be that bad.

[Jake Johnson]

We're talking about 40 bucks. That's what it would pay to join a league if you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What you. So on that pitch, my recommendation would be to call the church and say someone told you about a financial meeting that goes on there, and you're very interested, and you'd like to show up and have, like.

[Jake Johnson]

And then when you see the guys, there you go, like this, dude, these vitamins are a hell of a deal. We just signed in. You guys playing hoops anytime soon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm gonna take some of these before the next game, aren't I?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, dude. And also, I'm gonna get my. I got a couple of cousins who are interested in this too. It's not a Ponzi scheme. I just want to sell it to others and then have them sell it to others, and then you and I will start getting paid a little bit.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm excited. When should we play? That's. I like that pitch a lot. Was there a specific night when you guys would play?

[Colton]

It was Tuesday nights.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tuesday nights.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you go to the courts on Tuesday nights in your full gear?

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a. That's my pitch. My pitch would be show up at.

[Jake Johnson]

The court seven nights a week.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Show up at the courts with six dudes ready to go. And just how are you multiplying?

[Jake Johnson]

You got three guys. What are they just going to create clones?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Three friends? It's a pyramid scheme.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, basketball leagues and poker nights are pyramids games.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, completely.

[Jake Johnson]

You got to get enough guys. You got to go to somebody. You go like, hey, do you play poker? They're like, I'm not very good. You're like, it doesn't even matter. Just come.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That. That's the best. I love that. I. I was that guy a number of times. I was like, I thought we were just buddies.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, just come. Bring, like, 200 bucks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

And then quickly, there's a guy there going like this. Like, no, I had three. No, I. And you're like, yeah, he just lost all his money. But we needed. We needed to change on the table to keep the game going. Elijah, what do you guys think about showing up to the courts on Tuesday night? Have you done it?

[Colton]

I like that. I think we definitely leave Alex at home, though. Josh and I were not a part of the calling it out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ditch him.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, here's what you do.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You throw him under the bus.

[Jake Johnson]

Throw him under the bus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You go there and you toss him hard.

[Jake Johnson]

Or email the group and say, hey, guys, I don't know if you guys are cool with this, but we're not cool. With playing with Alex anymore. So could you guys leave him off future emails? We feel like he's got the wrong attitude, and he's not in our group of friends.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is he on the group asking us.

[Colton]

Not to suck Roy's dick?

[Jake Johnson]

And we don't like that he doesn't get it. I've been better since I started losing money on these vitamins and sucking Roy's dick dick.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Roy's talking to God. Of course I'm gonna suck his dick.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what God told me to do? Let Roy put a beer on the top of my head as he says I sucked his dick. Roy is really interested in the cowboy game, and so Roy wants me to lay on the ground as he stands on my back so he can be taller. That's what God wants. So what do you guys think about texting the group and just comedically throwing Alex under the bus?

[Colton]

Josh, what do you think? Not a bad. Not a bad call. I don't know how. I don't know how much of a loss Alex would view it as, because I don't know that he was too into it to begin with. An option.

[Jake Johnson]

Here are three pitches, gentlemen. One, you send a text to the group. You say, hey, guys, just so you know, Alex will not be joining us anymore. We felt like he wasn't the right vibe. So it's just gonna be Elijah and I. Let us know when the next game is. We're excited for Tuesday. Two, just show up at the courts every night in your basketball gear until you see the guys. Three, buy into the herbs. Get in the Ponzi scheme.

[Colton]

I kind of like hearing more about this Ponzi scheme.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not a bad pitch.

[Colton]

I think we earned the credit for later, you know, if more tension comes. I was like, well, at least they're in this scheme with it. Not. They wouldn't call it theme, I guess, but they're in the financial opportunity.

[Jake Johnson]

And so then here's what you guys got to do. You got to contact the church. You got to say that you heard there was a financial situation happening there. You'd like more information on it.

[Colton]

And then Joshua. So you're thinking we do that. They tell us whenever the next, like, mass gathering is or whatever, we show up and then try and spot our playgroup and kind of.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And start a conversation. Now, look, I think that's running a mile to go. Block. What I would do is my first thing is I would send a text right now and say, hey, guys, just FYI, Alex is kind of out. We felt like he didn't fit into the basketball group as much. Let us know in the next game as well.

[Colton]

You think it's gonna remember which one Alex even is? No. So that's the problem is it's been a couple months now and Alex only came a few times. But I think they remember the guy who called them out though.

[Jake Johnson]

So why don't you. So how long has it been since you guys got a text?

[Colton]

It was February.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, wow. Jesus Christ. This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This. This scheme's dead. Yeah, I.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. Yeah. Yeah. How. Hey, guys. Elijah, Josh, how real is this? Are we entering pretend world? Are we just playing goofballs now? Are we sniffing each other's butts in a barn and saying it doesn't smell?

[Colton]

No, we've been trying to find a way to play, but the thing was this was free and everywhere else we have to pay to get into the league.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, do you have tried. Do you have their lab? They. What did you guys do? Group email or group text?

[Colton]

Text.

[Jake Johnson]

Text. Will you pull up the text? And then we're going to need a screen grab of this too. And can we. Can we just. Because if it's that long ago you're talking about February, you're not going to find this Ponzi scheme. What are you going to call the church and go? 18 years ago there was a meeting there. Can I join? Get out of town. So where are we at here, guys? So you. I don't think going to the church is an option. I think February is too far away. Alex, we. You're. I think you're right. They wouldn't remember. I mean, if this has been since February, that's too many months ago. I think our best bet is sending a text to the group right now and seeing if we could put something together. You gotta be. It's gotta be a little bit out there. But it's our Hail Mary to see if they'll let you back in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know what it could be?

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey guys, I'm moving. I'm having a huge party. Would love to see you there.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

See if they reply and then when they do be like, oh, it. I'll stay one night's basketball. What if you pitch you're a new pyramid scheme? Like, what if you say that you've got a great opportunity if they want to.

[Colton]

If they want to get in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a great Hail Mary.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a great hail Mary.

[Colton]

You guys should talk about it at basketball on Tuesday.

[Jake Johnson]

I love that move.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you guys think of that.

[Colton]

Well, would that mean. Would that mean that we would then have to actually join? Like have another pyramid scheme in the back?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, no. Worst case scenario, then you're at the top of the pyramid.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't worry about what happens at the bottom of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Worst case scenario, you make 200 bucks. Sucks.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys, a pyramid scheme?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what you guys then do on Tuesday. You just stay really vague about it because once you start playing basketball, it's in the basketball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Saying.

[Jake Johnson]

You keep saying, like, I'm getting more information from my cousin Roy. Yeah, you create. Do not go alone with him, but you create Roy. And worst case scenario, eventually you call us back and we'll leave messages from Roy about the investment, but we'll never get to what the product is. You'll do what certain great investments are. Will. They'll never tell you what it. Don't go like this. We're talking about the kind of thing where you put $1,000 in and in six months you got $3,000. We're talking about 200% on your investment every six months. You talk about risk. You don't have any risk on this. We're talking about an idea that has a lot to do with travel. It has a lot to do with currency. If you think dogecoin is exciting, we are going to change that right now. We have people in Brazil, we have people in India, we have people in Russia. They're all. So the problem is right now it's just not big in the United States. It's not big in North America, but that doesn't mean it's not big.

[Colton]

I think we got the clip.

[Jake Johnson]

And you guys just keep saying as you get more information, you'll share it. But you guys at this point have not put any money in yourselves.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, Jake, very quickly, how right was Hannah's text right before this?

[Jake Johnson]

What do you guys think of that?

[Colton]

I like it. Is it that recording that Jake just said that we would send?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, that's. That's. If you get three weeks down the line, that's it.

[Jake Johnson]

If you're getting pressure, this is what you text right now. Hey, guys, Miss playing hoop would love to talk about a financial opportunity that has fallen into our lap. No pressure. If not for you, maybe we can talk about it over ball. When's the next game?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you guys think? Will you write it and text it right now and hopefully somebody responds as we're wrapping up. So who's doing the text, Elijah or Josh?

[Colton]

I'm in. I'M the only one in the group chat, so I'll do the test.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, do the thing. And then as you're putting it into your own words, say it out loud. And any of your own words are perfect, obviously.

[Colton]

Okay. Can you say yours one more time and I'll put it my own words?

[Jake Johnson]

The idea of it is, hey, guys, a financial opportunity has fallen into my lap. Would love to talk to you guys about it. No pressure. If not for you, I have not invested myself. Maybe we can talk about it over ball. When's the next game?

[Colton]

Okay, so. Hey guys, I just stumbled across a potential. Great. A potential. Okay. I just stumbled across a potential financial opportunity and would love to talk it over with you guys during some ball.

[Jake Johnson]

Would love to talk it over to see if you're interested.

[Colton]

Would love to talk it over to see if you're interested.

[Jake Johnson]

No pressure. If not for you, period. I have not not over ball yet. We close with not over ball. We haven't got there yet. I have not invested myself yet.

[Colton]

I have not invested myself.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, when's the next time? And I know I said your words were perfect and. But then I took over.

[Colton]

Sorry. You're doing great.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Apologize. This is the show.

[Jake Johnson]

This is the show. Because I don't want you to ask about ball. I want you to demand ball. So how about this? When's the next time you guys are playing? We can come. You guys are playing, we can discuss. We're around this. I'm around this week. Gareth, your thoughts?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No notes. Network, no notes.

[Jake Johnson]

Sweet. Jesse, your thoughts?

[Colton]

I'm lo.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm loving it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Elijah, Josh, will one of you read it out loud and then your guys thoughts.

[Colton]

Yes, I'll be out loud. Hey, guys, I just stumbled into a potential financial opportunity and would love to talk it over to see if you're interested. I'm not invested myself though. But when is the next time you guys are planning. Oh, you. Sorry, I meant to take out the playing golf the next time you guys are free. We can discuss then sometime in the next week over symbol or over some ball.

[Jake Johnson]

Do we take out the. I've not invested myself.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Sounded weird.

[Colton]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, let's take that out, guys. Okay. And then will you read it one more time? But I think we're very close.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's awesome.

[Jake Johnson]

This is actually Jesse's pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a great pitch.

[Colton]

Hey guys, I just stumbled into a potential financial opportunity and would love to talk it over to see if you're interested when the next time you guys are free. We can discuss sometime in the next couple weeks over some balls. Great. I like it. And then I think we can. I think we can maybe mention if and when there's an in person conversation we can kind of side mention. Like, I mean, we aren't fully in yet financially.

[Jake Johnson]

Exactly.

[Colton]

With you. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then who's the guy? I know this guy. Roy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Colton]

We already got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We got a message from Roy. Believe me, Roy is full of messages. So if you need any more, the well will not run dry.

[Jake Johnson]

But you could also then kind of say over ball. I don't. I mean, I don't know if it's good or not. I just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It started to sound a little fishy.

[Jake Johnson]

But now you're playing ball and they go right on. Then go. But anytime something comes up, guys, I'll always bring it up to you. But I don't know if this is the right one.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just looking to invest in anything right now.

[Jake Johnson]

And you know me, I'm. I'm gullible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You know me. I got money and no brain. So did you guys send it?

[Colton]

It. Is it ready to send?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Colton]

Okay, send.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay, so we're recording for a minute. So if something comes back, please call back. Will you reach out?

[Jake Johnson]

Coming after you guys, run.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Guys, run. They know.

[Colton]

But on top of the police car.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If, if something, if something happens, Suck my dick. The Lord told me to get it. He's getting. He's getting tased that it's not effect. Give. If you get a message back in the next like hour or so, will you reach out to. Will you email the show? Let us know? Because maybe you could hop back on and just update us real quick.

[Colton]

Yeah, sound.

[Jake Johnson]

We're actually just. If you get it, just jump back on the zoom. And if we're in another call, we'll just take a quick break from the other call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay? Totally, totally.

[Jake Johnson]

We'll explain to the caller. You guys will.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's perfect. Okay, great. All right, so don't be afraid to jump in whenever.

[Jake Johnson]

Jump back on the zoom.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And this is not even just for today. Whenever in future calls, just call whatever. Don't be afraid to jump in, boys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you, guys.

[Colton]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, thanks.

[Colton]

Perfect. You. Thanks for the help.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, thank you, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Producer sweet Jesse here. This next call is a follow up to episode 160, spying Gary.

[Colton]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Welcome to. We're here to help.

[Colton]

Thank you. I can. Okay, I can hear you now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Are you happy? Can you hear me?

[Colton]

I'm happy. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You are a follow up, correct?

[Colton]

I am, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Really?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank God, because Jake's face told me you weren't. I got nervous.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't remember this voice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't? I remember this voice. I don't remember from what. So will you tell us your name one more time and remind us about your first call, please?

[Colton]

Yeah. My name's Sarah from New Zealand, and the call was about a man running past my house every morning.

[Jake Johnson]

I do remember this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You got the peeping jogger.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. All right, so you said it was Sarah.

[Colton]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jake Johnson]

Will you retell your problem for people who didn't go back and listen? And then will you say what we pitched? And then will you tell us what you did?

[Colton]

Yes. There was a. A man who every day, pretty much would run past nearly the same time and look directly at me in my wind, like through my window, or at my flatmate who was outside on the deck or the balcony porch. I don't know what you call it in America.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's okay. We understand.

[Colton]

Yeah. And then when I saw him in this, like, dog park and everything would ignore me, so it was very strange. It was a very strange interaction. And you guys told me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, go ahead. That's what I was gonna ask to.

[Colton]

Do, like, a big sign, but I made a big sign that said, stop looking, keep running.

[Jake Johnson]

That's what you put up?

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep running, stop looking. By the way, pretty great sign.

[Colton]

Sign.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. It's very clear, and I do. Jake, I'll start with my favorite part of the sign. No G, the apostrophe on the end.

[Jake Johnson]

Looking. I also like that you chose different colors. The keep runnings red, the stop lookings blue.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Big, big signs.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Sarah, if I was the guy looking in the window and I thought I had vibage with a girl in there, this would humble my ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I would stop looking and keep.

[Jake Johnson]

I would stop looking, and that's exactly where I would rush run.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So tell us what's happening.

[Colton]

Yeah. So he now runs on the other side of the road and in the other direction.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Yeah, we see what that means. So.

[Colton]

Well, I. He walks, he runs fast, but in no way can he look into my window and look at me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He's.

[Jake Johnson]

Or it worked.

[Colton]

Yeah, it worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm not at home. I don't have a bell, but I can get.

[Jake Johnson]

Ring the bell for sure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, it's ringing. We're ringing it, sir.

[Jake Johnson]

How you feeling then?

[Colton]

Yeah, I feel. I feel fine. I feel a little bit worried that he wasn't. It wasn't nefarious and that I've made him feel awkward, but I'm moving out, so it's fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're moving.

[Colton]

Okay, but I'm moving anyway.

[Jake Johnson]

But you felt like you had a problem. Yeah, the problem's been solved, so maybe there's. Now there could be another problem. It wasn't the real problem, but problem solved.

[Colton]

I'm sold. All done.

[Jake Johnson]

Is there anything you would like to say to us that starts with a T? There's two words in the last one ends with a U. Go ahead. Rhymes with me. Go ahead.

[Colton]

Thank you so much.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. I mean, good Lord.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't have to say that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, no, no. We don't do it for that sort of acknowledgment.

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, we have a bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

We talk about our council and we're trying to get people to create the stats.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. We text about it. It's not a big thing.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not all we talk about.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sarah, is the sign still up? No, no, no, the sign.

[Colton]

Leave it up. I'd always time it.

[Jake Johnson]

Sarah, can I pitch?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, go.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll answer. New sign that said if you weren't looking. Sorry, didn't mean to offend.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I, I, I was going to say thank you, but I like that. I, I think not a bad idea for a follow sign.

[Jake Johnson]

Just because a little party goes. I feel a little bit weird because then if he looks and he sees it, he could have a laugh.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then no matter what, you guys have full circle, this strange little dynamic.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Colton]

That's quite funny. Maybe when I leave, I'll, I'll put it up.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, if you leave, then the next person's just gonna take it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, she's being nice. She's being nice. Okay, here, Jake. I'll handle this. Okay. All right, Sarah. Yeah, that sounds perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on, hold on. Sarah, what do you think about putting up a one last sign? If you're a no. Great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's a no.

[Colton]

J, I just don't think I'm going to.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, I respect it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was trying to help us. I was trying to hear it.

[Jake Johnson]

Sometimes I need to, I need to get punched in the face to know that I'm losing the fight.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody was like, I can kick your ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What I was doing there, I was being like, don't ask for the phone number. The vibe's not there. And you're like, let me get your number.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta know. We're sitting at a bar, reviving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love it. You know, I support it.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, Sarah, you're. I'm very happy this worked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Same.

[Colton]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And please call in if you have another problem. But this is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Can I. Can I make a suggestion, sir? This will be the last pitch. What about a sign in the window that says, listen to. We're here to help. We just had a.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We've just been stepping up our advertising.

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing so great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Word of mouth stuff. Stuff. Would it be possible to maybe just get a sign up there that says that promotes the show?

[Jake Johnson]

Listen to the podcast. We're here to help.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is that okay?

[Colton]

And then all my neighbors will just listen to the episode where I. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

But you're leaving, Sarah. You're leaving.

[Colton]

True. I'm leaving. I'm leaving.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Colton]

Send me through a QR code and I'll. I'll whip it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. You know what she's doing, Jake? I decided I'd ask her the phone number and I. I knew you were.

[Jake Johnson]

She doesn't like us.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't know why I went there for the phone number.

[Jake Johnson]

Hey, guess what, Sarah? We're leaving the bar together.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, See you later.

[Jake Johnson]

What? What are the two guys from Happy Days?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, Squiggy. Is that who you're thinking of? Lenny and Squiggy?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Lenny and Squiggy are leaving the bar now.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pathetic.

[Jake Johnson]

Successful.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank God we have each other.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Goodbye. Now we live in a little studio apartment. Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye, Sarah. Ah.

[Colton]

Thank you all for listening to We're Here to Help.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] here to help pod to see our. Our entire catalog.

[Colton]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Jake Johnson]

All video episodes of season one are.

[Colton]

Available now on Patreon, and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help Pod. Hello, I'm Joe Marco Seracy.

[Jake Johnson]

And I'm Russell Daniels.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And we're the co hosts of the Downside. Now on Head Gum. We are a sound, safe place to complain. Be negative, kvetch. We don't like toxic positivity.

[Colton]

No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Because it's toxic. We're not going to sit there going, hey, look on the bright side. Enough on the bright side. That's all anyone's talking about these days. The bright side.

[Jake Johnson]

So tune into some of your favorite comedians.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Some celebrities like Caleb Huron, Brennan Lee Mulligan, Alana Glazer, Busy Phillips and Dan Soder. We let him come on and we let the them share what shitty about their life. We, we look at the things that seem nice on the surface and we go, why is it shitty underneath? It's a fun time, but it's a place you're going to listen and go, oh, thank God I'm not any of those three people on that show right now. Yeah, I feel better about my life. So please subscribe to us on Spotify, Apple podcasts, Pocket casts, or watch us on YouTube new episodes every Tuesday. This is the Downside.