195: It’s a Parade & Monopoly Intervention (with Ty Burrell)

Summary

Podcast Summary: "We're Here to Help" Episode 195: It’s a Parade & Monopoly Intervention (with Ty Burrell)

Release Date: August 6, 2025
Guests: Ty Burrell

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I. Welcoming Ty Burrell and Celebrating Fred Willard

The episode kicks off with hosts Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds warmly welcoming guest Ty Burrell, renowned for his roles in "New Girl" and "The Dollop." The chemistry between the hosts and Ty is immediately evident, with Jake expressing admiration:

Jake Johnson (00:02): "Thanks for doing. I'm a big fan of yours, man."

Ty reciprocates the enthusiasm, acknowledging his newfound interest in the podcast:

Ty Burrell (00:28): "I listened to a couple episodes in prep. I will now be listening to many episodes."

The conversation quickly delves into a heartfelt tribute to the late Fred Willard, a beloved actor known for his impeccable comedic timing. Gareth shares his admiration after watching "Waiting for Guffman":

Gareth Reynolds (02:11): "He was so fun. I mean, I watched Waiting for Guffman recently, and I was, like, insane. It's just... it's relentless."

Ty elaborates on Fred's unique acting style, praising his ability to blend grounded performances with bursts of unpredictability:

Ty Burrell (02:20): "He just created that Fred Willard tone. You'd be like, 'I am fully on board. You don't belong on planet Earth,' yet everything you say is ridiculous."

The discussion highlights Fred Willard's influence on Ty's own craft, especially his creation of the beloved character Phil Dunphy from "Modern Family." Ty humorously recounts how his portrayal of Phil was inspired by Fred:

Ty Burrell (03:09): "I stole the character from you. Would you please play the dad? You are the father of this character already."

Jake fondly reminisces about working with Fred on an episode of "New Girl," emphasizing the actor's impeccable presence:

Jake Johnson (03:53): "I worked with him one time. It was later in his life, but I was such a fan. He was one of the only guys I asked for a selfie with."

Their tribute underscores Fred Willard's lasting legacy in comedy and acting, celebrating his ability to infuse humor with a touch of the surreal.

II. Exploring Ty Burrell's Audible Podcast: "Good Life"

Transitioning from their homage to Fred Willard, Ty Burrell introduces his Audible podcast, "Good Life," which draws inspiration from his childhood experiences. Ty shares the origins of the show, detailing his family's venture into running a multifaceted country store in Oregon:

Ty Burrell (05:00): "My dad and his brother bought this country store out in the middle of Oregon when I was 10. It was the grocery store, gas station, cafe, federal post office, county library, local fire department, and hardware store—all in one building."

He candidly discusses the challenges and eventual financial failure of the store, highlighting the familial bonds and community integration that formed the heart of the podcast's narrative arc:

Ty Burrell (06:00): "For eight years, it was amazing—them trying to figure out how to run each of those departments and us being kind of feral."

Jake probes into the creative process behind "Good Life," curious about the scriptwriting and production dynamics. Ty explains the blend of scripted content with improvisation, likening it to an audible sitcom:

Ty Burrell (08:56): "It's scripted with some improv. Think of it as an audible version of a sitcom."

The conversation emphasizes the collaborative effort with a stellar cast, including Jennifer Garner, Colton Dunn, Jillian Bell, and Bobby, each bringing multiple characters to life. Ty expresses his excitement about the show's premiere on Audible and his hopes for its reception as a perfect accompaniment to summer road trips.

III. Listener Call-In: Dealing with a Cheating Friend During Game Nights

After the guest segment and promotional breaks, the podcast transitions to its interactive section where listeners seek advice. The first call comes from Carissa in Arizona, who presents a humorous yet relatable dilemma involving her father's outdoor urination habits and the resulting odor affecting her mother's daily walks.

However, the primary focus shifts to a subsequent call from Kat, a 26-year-old from San Diego, seeking guidance on handling a friend who consistently cheats during game nights. Kat explains:

Kat (41:29): "My friends and I do game nights a lot... I have this one good friend, she's a really good friend, but she cheats in every possible way at every game imaginable."

Initially, Kat found the cheating bothersome, but over time it became a source of amusement, though it began to irritate other participants who hesitated to address the issue. She seeks a lighthearted way to confront her friend without causing tension:

Kat (41:43): "I'd love to get her back, but in a fun way, in a light-hearted way."

IV. Crafting the Perfect Intervention: Pitches and Strategies

Jake, Gareth, and guest Ty engage in a collaborative brainstorming session to devise a playful intervention that encourages Kat's friend, Doja, to curb her cheating. They explore various creative strategies, integrating humor and subtlety to maintain the group's camaraderie.

Ty's Pitch: Installing a "Cheating Deterrent"

Ty suggests introducing a faux technological deterrent to make Doja reconsider her actions:

Ty Burrell (22:12): "Maybe put a toilet there, like a little kid's potty, to steal the joy of peeing outside."

Jake builds on this by proposing a mirror setup to create subtle embarrassment:

Jake Johnson (23:16): "Put a mirror on the ground... see my privates from that angle."

Gareth's Contribution: Mock Surveillance

Gareth introduces the idea of installing fake surveillance cameras to monitor Doja's cheating subtly:

Gareth Reynolds (24:05): "Put up a ring camera... tell her we're worried about coyotes... set up cameras to monitor behavior."

This approach aims to deter cheating without direct confrontation, leveraging the fear of being watched.

Jake's Creative Twist: Unlimited Game Resources

Jake proposes altering the game's mechanics by introducing unlimited resources, subtly undermining Doja's cheating advantages:

Jake Johnson (56:18): "Everyone has unlimited funds. She'll realize the game lost its integrity."

The hosts collectively refine their pitches, focusing on maintaining a fun and non-confrontational atmosphere while addressing the cheating issue.

V. Implementing the Intervention: Execution Plan

Kat decides to adopt the group’s suggestions, planning to present the intervention during the next game night. The strategy involves:

1. Unified Cheating: The entire group will collaboratively cheat in synchronized ways, isolating Doja's actions.
2. Introduced Rules: Introducing new, nonsensical game rules that favor everyone except Doja.
3. Official Documentation: Creating a humorous "Declaration of Independence" document requiring adherence to fair play.
4. Use of Props: Incorporating costumes and fake notary documents to add a layer of absurdity and humor.

Kat expresses confidence in the plan's effectiveness, ensuring it remains playful:

Kat (67:02): "I'm liking the banding together... Maybe have someone else say something, sprinkle some extra in."

The hosts encourage Kat to document the intervention and share her experiences in future episodes, highlighting the group's commitment to providing practical yet entertaining advice.

VI. Conclusion and Takeaways

Episode 195 of "We're Here to Help" masterfully blends heartfelt tributes, insightful discussions, and practical advice. The collaborative effort to address Kat's gaming dilemma showcases the hosts' creativity and commitment to fostering positive relationships among friends. Through humor and innovative strategies, the episode delivers both entertainment and actionable solutions for listeners facing similar social challenges.

Notable Quotes:

• Ty Burrell (02:20): "Fred did it just as an actor. Totally just as an actor."
• Jake Johnson (22:46): "Like even it could be a little kid's toilet, baby toilet, one of those little like potty training toilets."
• Gareth Reynolds (24:05): "Put up a ring camera... tell her we're worried about coyotes."

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Wrap-Up:

Hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, Episode 195 of "We're Here to Help" offers a delightful mix of celebrity insights and listener-focused problem-solving. Whether celebrating comedic legends or navigating the complexities of friendships, the podcast remains a go-to source for relatable advice delivered with a hearty dose of humor.

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

This is a headgum podcast. Hey, bud. Well, first of all, man, thanks for doing. I'm a big fan of yours, man.

[Ty Burrell]

Oh, my gosh. It's a pleasure. I. I listened to a couple episodes in prep. I will now be listening to many episodes.

[Jake Johnson]

It's great.

[Ty Burrell]

It's great. No, it's. It's really, really great.

[Jake Johnson]

My brother, who was just on with us, referred to you as the Phil Hartman of that show.

[Ty Burrell]

Oh, man. That is the highest praise. Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

But I think you're kind of that way as an actor. I think you got that. You have what my favorite actors have, and that is you've got the Phil Hartman thing, where you can ground when you need to, and then you can get so insane in the same, like, the second half of the line.

[Ty Burrell]

The grounding part, I really appreciate that, especially coming from you. That means a lot. But the grounding part for me is always sort of like, are we done grounding? Can we go back to the.

[Jake Johnson]

Can I get at.

[Ty Burrell]

Can we go back to the ridiculousness?

[Jake Johnson]

We both worked with the same guy, so that. But Fred Willard. What were your thoughts on same?

[Ty Burrell]

Fred is just. I mean, was. But is in many ways. I. I think. I don't know if he was to you, but when you think about, like, your. Or to you, Gareth, like, people that, like, really impacted you comedically, they're mostly people that are writing their own stuff or creating their own stuff. I'm thinking of, like, Albert Brooks or Steve Martin or Christopher Guest or. Or Billy Tomlin or Whoopi Goldberg in the early days or whatever. But, like, Fred did it just as an actor. Totally just as an actor. He actually changed the way I look. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He was so fun. I mean, I watched Waiting for Guffman recently, and I was, like, insane. It's just. It's relentless.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. But he. He just created that. The Fred Willard tone. Yeah. And he would step into it, and you'd be like, I am fully on board. You don't belong on planet Earth. Yeah, but yet it's grounded. Yet.

[Carissa]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

But yet everything you say is ridiculous.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. I mean, Phil Dunphy is real ripoff. A real. I mean, in many ways, a real ripoff, for sure. And I had worked with Fred on a multicam before that, a couple of years before that. And so I, you know, went on bended knee. We all went. Just said, would you please. I mean, you. I stole the character from you. Would you please. Would you please. Would you please play the dad? You are the father of this character already.

[Jake Johnson]

So whether you like it or not, the character came from you.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. So you gonna be an absent dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

May as well get paid.

[Ty Burrell]

Will you show up for the. Your son?

[Jake Johnson]

It's a son that you didn't know you had, but he showed up, like, late in his 40s and he's like, he. Here I am doing your baby. I look like you. I'm doing the stuff.

[Ty Burrell]

Co opted son. Yeah. But he was really gracious about it. And. Yeah, just, I. I really. I still miss him. He. He. In real life, did you. Did you ever cross paths with him?

[Jake Johnson]

Like, did an episode of New Girl two. Okay. I got to work with him one time. It was later in his life, but I was such a fan.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

He was one of the only guys I, like, asked for a selfie with.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Where I was like, you get to work with Fred Willard. It's.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, he. He. He was just. He was. He was incredible. I don't think anybody has ever done what he's done, and I don't think anybody will.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, I agree with you.

[Ty Burrell]

Best in show. You know, like, it's just like you said, it's like, it is. He is. And in real life, too, he sort of was a little bit ethereal. Like, he sort of was you. You kn. But Fred also was from some other, like, loftier place. I always felt, like, unknowable, but in a good way.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ty Burrell]

And I worked with him for years.

[Jake Johnson]

Totally.

[Ty Burrell]

But, like, because you didn't know where the stuff was coming from, he would sort of, like, be talking about, like, how he liked to drive and go watch minor league baseball and. And then you start to start the scene and there just be the weirdest, darkest shit.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed.

[Ty Burrell]

And the craziest.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't even know where it comes from.

[Ty Burrell]

No, it just, like, I thought we were talking about pie, and now. And now you're just, like, into, like, weird, weird, dark stuff. But, yeah, he was amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

Loved him. I was just reading about your podcast, the Good Life, Ty. Yeah, it says it's inspired by real life childhood experiences.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, we. My. My dad and his brother bought this country store out in the middle of Oregon when I was. When I was 10. And where were you coming from? Not a huge city, but to the locals out there, we were definitely city people, city folk. But this store was in the podcast, it seems like, and it's an exaggeration, but it actually is what it was. Which was? The store was the grocery store, the gas station, the cafe, the federal post office, the county library, the local Gas, excuse me, fire department, and the hardware store. And it was all in one building, as if we were. We were trying to develop a sitcom in the 70s, an affordable sitcom in the 70s. But yeah, it was really. It was bonkers. My dad was a. Was working in those. In the foster care system, and my uncle was in finance, kind of a little bit of an imposter, but was in finance, ostensibly in finance. They were burnout and they wanted to kind of get away and, you know, find a better life. And so they bought this store knowing nothing about business or anything. And it was ultimately a massive financial failure. But for. For. For eight years, it was amazing, them trying. Them trying to figure out how to run each of those oh my Lord departments and us being kind of feral.

[Jake Johnson]

And how many siblings did you like? So at 10. Yeah, you just jumped into this.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, so there were four of us and we had two cousins. So there were six of us that were running around, you know, getting bullied. I was extorting candy. We actually thought of maybe it was a federal crime. I was extorting candy to the bullies through the mail, through the post office, and, you know, handing it out through the slot in the post office. Yeah, we, we. The. The six of us just ran rampant through this place. And our parents tried to win over the locals. It took forever to win over the locals. They really like. It was a logging community at the time.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God.

[Ty Burrell]

And then it's now wine country. But at the time it was a logging community and they had never met. My dad was very much a beta male and. And it was like the first beta they'd ever come across. It was like he was like an alien. You know, they were like. This was sort of like asking them questions about their life and, you know, gentle, very gentle. Belly. Belly first, sort of like, you know, like open. And they didn't trust him for a long time, but eventually they did. And that's. That's basically the arc of. Of the show, really. It's. It's kind of an audible sitcom, I guess, but the arc of it is really them trying to ingratiate themselves into the community.

[Jake Johnson]

And that's really fun. And so how does that work? So is it. You guys write scripts? Do you guys? And then you. So you've got a great cast. You got Jennifer Garner, you got Colton Dunn, Jillian Bell, Bobby. So you got a bunch of killers there.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, a ton of killers. Really, really funny people. And just like all those people do like 10 characters, you know, in real life.

[Jake Johnson]

And is it like A voice. Is it, you know, is it like a. Do you guys record it together? Does everyone do individual? Is it.

[Ty Burrell]

No, it's. It's scripted. It's there. There's defin. Some. Some improv in there, but it's mostly scripted. There's. I mean, you know, there's some great improvisers in there, but it's. It's. I. The way I've been thinking of it is that it's an audible version of a sitcom. An audio sitcom.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

And it was super fun, you know, just really like, I got to do it home in Utah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Yeah. The best.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. But it was really fun. I hope people like it. I think it's kind of like a good. Hopefully it's a good, like, summer road trip show.

[Jake Johnson]

And it says it premieres on July 3rd, so it's out. It's on audible. Yeah, Audible.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Original.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And would you ever do it? It's such a fun idea, man. Would you ever do it, like, as a indie movie or a TV show? TV show. Are you really excited about the audio version?

[Ty Burrell]

I think. Well, I think we're. We'd like to do another season of the audio version, but I also really have been thinking about it as a TV show.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, we ask everyone to check it out. Ty. Yeah. Huge fans. Thank you for joining our podcast. Truly real, real joy, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great stuff.

[Ty Burrell]

It was really, really fun. I'm. I'm a new fan of the show. I'll be listening. Thanks so much for having me.

[Jake Johnson]

Thanks, buddy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks.

[Ty Burrell]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is sponsored by Skylight. Skylight calendars are the at home calendar that takes the old school calendar and makes it digital. They became a sponsor because I a customer. I saw this on Instagram. I knew my wife would love it. We used to have that big calendar in our kitchen where everybody could see it. Now we've got it. With Skylight, you could also put kids chores on there. You can do lists. It is very easy to do. I've been a big fan of it. And if you're not 100% thrilled with your calendar in the first four months, you can return it for a full refund.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It basically syncs a multiple calendar household into one. I've actually started to link calendars with some people that I'm working with. And what Skylight does that is so exceptional is it gives you that kind of united wall calendar vibe. So it can put everything into the Skylight calendar. Jake and I organically were talking about it on the show before we started working with them. Because Jake was like, I could actually see what my whole week looks like, my whole family's week looks like. I just personally like having the fact that I can have a calendar up on the wall. I could see my stuff up on the wall. I'm still hooked on the wall calendar. That's just how I am. It couldn't be easier. It syncs seamlessly with my Google calendar. People I work with have Outlook. It's putting it all up there and making it so easy to use. You can assign people colors, whether it's your family members or whatever. So everyone knows what everyone else is doing. You're done forgetting stuff right now.

[Jake Johnson]

Skylight is offering our listeners $30 off their 15 inch calendars by going to skylightcal.com here to help. Go to skylightcal.com Here to help for $30 off your 15 inch calendar. That is skylightcal.com hereto help this episode is brought to you by Hulu Animehem Picture a Magnet attracting all your favorite animated shows. That's Hulu animehem your animation destination.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You can catch all the shenanigans on classics like the Simpsons, Futurama, American dad, and many, many more. Hulu Anime Ham is your animation destination. Stream now on Hulu on Disney plus.

[Jake Johnson]

For Hulu and bundle subscribers terms apply. This episode of We're Here to Help is brought to you by Hulu Make It a New Girl Summer on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus this summer, folks, it's time to watch New Girl on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus. There's nothing like going back to the beginning and seeing Jess and Old Nick meet for the first time, watching Schmidt chase after Cece and laughing along with coaches and Winston's shenanigans. And then go back to this show and listen to all the episodes where they're on it. Because they're on this podcast and they're on a New Girl on Hulu. And just about every guest star is here too. All the laughs, all the hijinks and all the fun they're all waiting for you to stream. So make It a New Girl Summer stream on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus Make it a New Girl Summer streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney plus.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Carissa]

Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Welcome to the show. Hi. Can we get your name, please?

[Carissa]

This is Carissa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Carissa. Carissa, where are you calling from?

[Carissa]

Your favorite place? Arizona.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I didn't realize people from Arizona were listening when I called it the worst state.

[Jake Johnson]

I was about to say, is Arizona your favorite place.

[Carissa]

I'll let it pass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you. And then, Chris, how old are you, roughly? Let's just get that.

[Carissa]

I am 34.

[Gareth Reynolds]

34. All right, well, we got a really great one because you've got Jake, you've got me. But we also have a guest helper. We have Ty Burrell joining us to help solve whatever this problem is. Ty, this is Carissa.

[Ty Burrell]

Hey, Carissa.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She lives in Arizona, unfortunately.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Carissa, let's get started. What is your issue today?

[Carissa]

All right, well, I'm calling for help on behalf of my mom. So every evening my dad will walk outside to water the plants, as he calls it. But it's really him. He goes pee outside, and then he goes and feeds all the horses and the other pets. So one evening, she tells me that she would like to purchase lime to cover up the pee spot because it smells like an outhouse, like whenever you walk by it.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Carissa]

And my dad thinks she's being absolutely ridiculous, but she's adamant that he needs to do something about that foul smell that he's created because it's ruining her daily walks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Whoa. Worried about your dad's diet? A little bit, right off the bat.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So I. So, Carissa, dad just. I mean, I gotta go with dad on this one because I will go in my backyard to pee.

[Ty Burrell]

Totally. I prefer it. I'd be too. I'll seek it out. I seek it out.

[Jake Johnson]

Same with me.

[Ty Burrell]

But, but may I. May I ask, is your dad peeing in the exact same spot?

[Jake Johnson]

Is that insane?

[Ty Burrell]

If he does, that is crazy. Because that's crazy behavior. We' we've established that peeing outside is very sane, but peeing in the same spot is absolute insanity.

[Jake Johnson]

It's not a toilet. The beauty of the only reason you pee in the same spot in your house is cuz that's where the toilet is. The beauty of outside is go anywhere, brother.

[Ty Burrell]

I love that. I love that the national parks use that as their tagline. It's not a toilet. And it's not. And it's not. No, but. But does he. Does he use the same spot?

[Carissa]

Yeah, it's like right next to the barn. And he goes in the same spot. And she's like, every time I go by, I'm gonna throw up.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And what does dad say about this when you bring it up to Carissa?

[Carissa]

He basically rolled his eyes at her and said, oh, Joe, you're being ridiculous.

[Jake Johnson]

And Carissa, what do you think is. Joe, what's your. What are we calling your dad?

[Carissa]

Call him Bob.

[Jake Johnson]

Bob and Joe. And so who do you think's being ridiculous here?

[Carissa]

Both of them.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, but you called in. So we need a bad guy and we need a good guy. Because I personally think. I think if Bob's walking outside, taking a piss outside, what is this piss that much worse than deer piss? And you're talking about a barn. Where do you think the horses go in the bathroom? Hey, what is in Bob's body?

[Ty Burrell]

It's just that it's outside the barn.

[Jake Johnson]

Horses are literally taking shits on the floor.

[Ty Burrell]

Just mere inches away.

[Jake Johnson]

She's like this. There's a bunch of horses dropping heat on the floor.

[Ty Burrell]

Go inside the barn, Bob. Step inside the bar.

[Jake Johnson]

It's one thing if you live in, like, an urban area and she's just like, I don't want to see it. But you have animals. When you have animals, that stuff's just part of the thing.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you have other animals besides horses? You got pigs and pissing, too?

[Carissa]

No, we used to, but they got eaten.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So what is an interesting answer?

[Jake Johnson]

Obviously hunted Bobby. Everything with his bare hands.

[Ty Burrell]

I'm guessing the humans ate the pigs. Am I right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Carissa]

And I didn't find this out until about two years ago.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, so you ate the. You ate your pets?

[Carissa]

I did.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the grimace part about living on a farm for little kids.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And.

[Ty Burrell]

And we've gotten to the root of the guilt of this entire thing. Dad. Dad killed dad.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, well, Dad's the new pig.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Carissa]

I'm going to side with my mom on this one, though, because she has a really strong sense of smell, so.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Anything bothers her, the same spot is the thing that seems very different for everybody on this. It's. It's strange to be married to a piss spot.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, I agree. It doesn't. It also doesn't make any sense.

[Ty Burrell]

No, it doesn't. It doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

Just go ahead, Ty.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, no, just to echo what you were saying before, I really deeply enjoy going outside to go to the bathroom, but it usually involves a new vista.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, agree.

[Ty Burrell]

Like, yeah. There's always, like, what does it look like? You know, looking this direction.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And it's time of day based. It's like, how are you going further in the yard based on sun? It's.

[Ty Burrell]

Where's the sun? I mean, we haven't even brought that up. Like, where's the sun?

[Jake Johnson]

You don't want to. Yeah. About culture is we're all agreeing. How insane would it be if I was saying the same thing about taking shits? If I thought that's what you guys meant. And I go, like.

[Ty Burrell]

I mean, I.

[Jake Johnson]

All over my backyard, but I don't.

[Ty Burrell]

In the same place.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's crazy.

[Ty Burrell]

That's crazy.

[Jake Johnson]

That's crazy.

[Ty Burrell]

Now that I share my front yard.

[Jake Johnson]

My backyard on the side.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just like a horse. You're walking while you're doing it, by the way.

[Jake Johnson]

Animals that walk. And it's amazing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Awesome.

[Ty Burrell]

It's amazing.

[Jake Johnson]

Literally walking.

[Ty Burrell]

Wow.

[Jake Johnson]

Could you imagine?

[Ty Burrell]

Oh, that would be great, though. That would be great. I would love that. I would love us like a shimmy just.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the no follow up. That's always the thing. It's like, yeah, there's no. There's nothing after.

[Ty Burrell]

No. And. And I think it could be reserved for the same situations that animals do it. So humans could do it. But just in a parade, like. Like, you're allowed to sit and walk if It's Macy's Day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

July 4th.

[Jake Johnson]

July 4th, by the way. That would ruin every holiday. Like, oh, God, the Fourth of July. All those old soldiers. Just memorial.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The soldiers, old soldiers.

[Jake Johnson]

The better. Oh, boy.

[Ty Burrell]

Parents on the sidelines. Just like, it's a parade. It's a parade. It's normal. What are they gonna do?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, Carissa, so to narrow this down to see if we can actually help, we being on your team, we're with Joe. Even though it's okay that horses and piss literally mere inches from where Bob does it. Bob is totally out of line for pissing outside. His piss smells so disgusting from whatever.

[Ty Burrell]

Gas Garrett said from whatever he's eating. Right. That's an angle.

[Jake Johnson]

But it's so disgusting that your mom can't even walk outside anymore. So we are all living in this reality that this is the truth. We're going with Carissa.

[Carissa]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I'm asking.

[Carissa]

But yeah, that's. That's right. So the question is, though, like, what can she do to deter him from going pee outside in the same spot like he's done for the last two decades?

[Jake Johnson]

All right, I. I got a question for you. Could we send your dad a zoom link?

[Carissa]

Yes. I'm. I'm gonna have to work it for him, though, because he.

[Jake Johnson]

Is he with technology.

[Carissa]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Carissa]

He's on the ranch.

[Jake Johnson]

He's on the ranch. God damn it.

[Ty Burrell]

I have a pitch, but I don't know if we're two pitches yet.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, we're into pitches.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. Are we g. Are we gathering information?

[Jake Johnson]

No, we're pitching.

[Ty Burrell]

I have a pitch, which is that I think for the three of us, the joy is that it's not the toilet yeah, yeah. That you're outside and there, there isn't any real connection to being indoors. So I wonder without. Even if you didn't put a literal toilet where it is, one version might be that you put a toilet there, which takes all the joy.

[Jake Johnson]

Like even it could be a little kid's toilet, baby toilet, one of those little like potty training toilets.

[Ty Burrell]

To just steal the joy that I know I wouldn't want to go in that toilet once it was there.

[Jake Johnson]

I have a pitch on.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

So I think the toilet there is a great runner. You know what you could also do? Put a mirror on the ground right in that spot. Because I'll tell you what I don't want to do if I'm peeing outside.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

See my privates from that angle.

[Ty Burrell]

That might discourage you from being in general. They may not be outside.

[Jake Johnson]

Putting me back inside of a room with a door. If I go and I'm like, yuck, those are my balls.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pass.

[Carissa]

No, my only fear was that is I live in Arizona. The sun is gonna burn.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah, you're gonna start a fire. You're gonna start a fire.

[Ty Burrell]

Worth it.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, you're exactly right. That's a bad idea.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The toilet's great. I think I was also going to suggest like a little gravestone, like a little novelty thing where you put it to bed. But I do like the. I, I also, I'm gonna be honest, I think Joe's being a little dramatic with the, the smell of the. I mean, I think it's outside. I'm not on the side of the same spot, but come on, Joe, you.

[Jake Johnson]

Can'T walk right by a barn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Regardless. Yeah, I like the little toilet a lot. I think something like that, that not only it kind of off limits it a little bit, but then on top of that it also makes them feel like a little child, which I think is, I agree, in its own right.

[Jake Johnson]

A little baby toilets.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think, I think the potty training toilet.

[Ty Burrell]

Maybe the message. Maybe the message is that little boys go in the same spot all the time. Men, Men don't care when they have to go pee. They have to go pee.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe there's a sign that says, or grown ups. Not just men, but let's just say men to humiliate this farmer. Little boys go to the bathroom in the same spot. Men go different places.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Here's, here's another idea. A ring camera.

[Ty Burrell]

That'S set up on the barn.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. That's facing right where he pees. And you just, even if you just Tell him. You go like, hey, Dad, I think there was coyotes coming by the horses. And he'll go, huh? And you go like, yeah, mom and I have been talking. We're just afraid that there's a coyote or something. So I set up a camera. He'll go, where'd you do it? And if your dad's bad at technology, just literally get a piece of plastic and screw it into the wall. And he goes, what's that? And I go, that's a camera. I have direct access onto my phone. And he'll go, it is. And you go, yeah, mom just want me to put it up. And you put it on every corner of the barn so he believes there's cameras. And you go, what's really nice about these, Daddy, is that they go 360. They see everything. And he goes, from that little thing. And you go. You go, the technology is insane. It could see everything. And he's just gonna go, like.

[Ty Burrell]

And you don't make it about the peeing at all.

[Jake Johnson]

Never. You'd never mention.

[Ty Burrell]

It's about, like. It's about keeping predators out of the barn.

[Jake Johnson]

Mom's afraid that there's some coyote or something getting in there, so she had me set this thing up. They're not expensive, but I just took care of it, and I already installed them. Huh. See, right up there? Right down there. These are all cameras. They see everything around the bar.

[Ty Burrell]

They go to me, and they all go. Go to this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, exactly.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, they go to the ring. They go to the ring people, and then they send them to me.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if the ring people see anything, they send it back to me. But they do a full monitoring thing. So they said within, like, six. Like, six weeks, it'll be all taken care of.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Third party's great.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what he's gonna do is stop pissing by the barn. I don't want Ring HQ looking at his dick as he pees.

[Ty Burrell]

I really like that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that a lot.

[Ty Burrell]

I think that might be better than the little toilet, I think. I think. Because then you don't even have to bring up.

[Jake Johnson]

Then you never talk about peeing. And I know.

[Ty Burrell]

I know you guys don't act like to shame. Like we're trying to do this in a loving way.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

This is a way that he doesn't have to feel even. No.

[Jake Johnson]

And he'll never listen to this podcast.

[Ty Burrell]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, he'll never. This will never get back to him. Yeah, you'll. You don't have to shame him. You just go like, hey, Dad, I just did something, just so you know. I just set up a camera. And not just the. You show his piss corner at the third one. So you start on a far one, then you go to the second one. And then you. And he goes like, when you get that one, he goes like those. There's a camera here. And you go, yeah, every corner.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, let me move on. Let me move on to the fourth. Yeah, yeah, let me go to the fourth. The fourth one covers any of the foxes.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's get back to the third one first.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, the third one is actually the least of our troubles. But, yeah, we have a. We have one there.

[Jake Johnson]

Because my question for the third one.

[Ty Burrell]

Is, what is a circle? It sees everything from camera two to four.

[Jake Johnson]

How low?

[Carissa]

How low?

[Ty Burrell]

All the way down to, let's just say your feet. If you were standing there to, like, the head of an average sized male.

[Gareth Reynolds]

4K too. I mean, 4k quality.

[Ty Burrell]

Oh, this company. Dad, you are gonna love these images.

[Jake Johnson]

They shoot features on these features, and it works in the dark.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Clicks on the move.

[Ty Burrell]

We got crazy. We got such a great deal.

[Jake Johnson]

And what they're gonna do is if they see movement in that, it sets a little alarm off. So it'll go like. And then we all get alerted, and then I'll get the video.

[Ty Burrell]

And we can also come outside when we hear the beep. I'll get the video. But also it'll. It'll bring us out.

[Jake Johnson]

So it's nice. And we. It's. It's not gonna be long. It's only like six months. And it's, you know, it's just like a trial thing.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Only six.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think, Carissa?

[Carissa]

Oh, I. I'm just really glad you guys didn't say Parmesan, the peace spot. But think. I'm gonna think I'm gonna pretend to put up some cameras.

[Ty Burrell]

Really like it. It's a good. It's a really good idea.

[Jake Johnson]

How you gonna do it? What kind of technology are you going to use? What are you going to screw into? We got to make sure that dad doesn't check the technology.

[Carissa]

You know those, like, around Halloween, how they set up those. Those doorbells that aren't really. They're just, like, decorative and.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, exactly what you mean.

[Carissa]

I'm gonna get one of those and see if I can maybe paint it to look like a ring camera a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Ty Burrell]

Is that. Is that a techie?

[Jake Johnson]

He pees outside of the barn.

[Carissa]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. We're not gonna be in a danger zone with dad.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, this is great.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I recommend, Carissa? Put him up a little high.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because if it's low enough, dad might be looking at it, thinking, having a coffee, just. Just look at it and be like, I'm gonna knock this off and piss. But if it's high, Dad's not getting a ladder to take it off to, then piss.

[Ty Burrell]

You gotta give him one extra step.

[Jake Johnson]

Not worth it. You might need a different tree.

[Ty Burrell]

You might even test a ladder to be like, you know, make sure that just. It's just. Just out of reach.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

Just slightly out of reach. So that he'd have to put himself in danger. Go on that top, that. That weird rung at the top.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

Nobody. Nobody really wants to go on there.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I would say the top three rungs, I don't want to go on.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Once your hands aren't involved anymore, you're like, now I'm not loving where we're at.

[Jake Johnson]

I feel very comfortable. Mid to three, quarter rung.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, great.

[Jake Johnson]

And there's always one where my leg turns into a wet noodle and I go, like, how did you know? I didn't even tell you I was scared, yet I was listening to music, pretending I wasn't.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, well. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Speaking of wet noodles. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

You think. You think this is going to work, Carissa? Because I feel pretty good about it.

[Carissa]

I think so. And if not, I'm gonna get a little kid's pisser and put it out there for him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. And what are you gonna tell. Will you. Can we take a second? And will you be you, Ty. Will you be Bob? Do you mind? Yeah. And will you, Carissa, just explain to your dad what the technology is? Because you're gonna have to do it. Put it up and then one day explain, I say, like, hey, Dad, I gotta show you something I did for the barn.

[Carissa]

That's right. I'm gonna have to lie to him.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm not gonna have to lie to him.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, there's lying involved.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get the clear reason.

[Carissa]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, so let's. Let's start whenever you guys are ready.

[Ty Burrell]

Hey, sweetheart. I'm. I'm heading out. I'll be back in just a second.

[Carissa]

Where you going, dad?

[Ty Burrell]

Just to go check on the barn.

[Carissa]

You can go water the plants.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, I'm gonna go water the plants. You know me. You know me.

[Carissa]

Well, just be careful, because mom and I put some cameras up out there since there's been a lot of coyotes lately.

[Ty Burrell]

Oh, good.

[Carissa]

We're worried about Ash and the dogs or the horses. So you've got every corner in that barn taken care of.

[Ty Burrell]

Down in the barn. Great. You got it. Great. Sorry. Say it again.

[Carissa]

I said outside, too, so.

[Ty Burrell]

Outside, too. Outside those plants.

[Carissa]

We're gonna get some notifications. Yep. Might be some things I never wanted to see.

[Ty Burrell]

We're. We're sure we need them outside?

[Carissa]

Oh, yeah. Coyotes go inside and outside, dad.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, is. They're on. They're on to nine to five. What's the. What's the schedule?

[Jake Johnson]

Camera goes on from nine to five. Coyotes. Well, then all the coyotes go home at five. That's literature.

[Ty Burrell]

Who sees this image?

[Carissa]

Oh, it's gonna be me, mom, the sisters, the son in laws, and then the people that own the company.

[Jake Johnson]

This is very good, Kurtza. Can we start again? But can we. Can you lead out and can we try to get dad before he's pissing? Because we don't want it to be about shaming. About pissing. Yeah, this is more of like a. Hey, dad, guess what I just did something I want to let you know know, but we are not catching dad pissing on plant. This is not about his pissing. It's about coyotes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I also think the third party is big. These people are going to analyze this for us.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. I also like sister. Everybody else, it's. Everybody's gonna see you piss. Yeah, but. So, Carissa, your dad's watching TV or hanging out, and this is you coming up to him. This has nothing to do with good news. It's good news, but you've already done it. You're just letting him know. Know what his new reality is.

[Carissa]

Got it.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, let's see what happens.

[Carissa]

All right. Hey, dad, how's it going?

[Ty Burrell]

Great. We're winning.

[Carissa]

Cool. Okay, so just let you know. Mom and I put some cameras up around the barn because she told me there's been some activity with the coyotes lately.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, there has been. There has been a little. That's. That's good.

[Carissa]

Yeah. So they're inside the barn. They're outside the barn. And they're gonna.

[Ty Burrell]

They're outside. They're outside the barn.

[Carissa]

They sure are.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Ty Burrell]

Whereabouts?

[Carissa]

Oh, they're in every corner. So you can see every corner. You can see the road. You can see back of the garage or the shed, whatever.

[Ty Burrell]

And what's. What's a. You got a basic range on these cameras?

[Carissa]

Yep. And so whenever something sets it off, it's going to alert me, mom, all the family members, and then this.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, that's fine. That's fine. You. You, mom, and the Family members. I mean, that's fine. That's great. No. No worries at all.

[Carissa]

Okay. Even though it's going to go to a third party, too, like an Amazon type.

[Ty Burrell]

It's going to Amazon the guys who deliver.

[Carissa]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Carissa]

That's all right. Right.

[Ty Burrell]

How many cameras are there?

[Carissa]

Oh, there's about four.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, this is a dilemma.

[Jake Johnson]

This is great.

[Carissa]

All right, dad. It's just going to be like. Like for six months. It's all right. We'll get it taken care of.

[Ty Burrell]

I think it works. I think it works because there's also no. There's no real way around it. I'm trying. I'm thinking in the moment of, like, if there's a way around it and you just have to find a new.

[Jake Johnson]

Place to pee, your brain is going to go for him.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And then guess what? It's not that big of a deal. No, this is not a. Go piss somewhere else, Bob.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just for the next 20 years. We just need a new zone.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, that's it.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Carissa, will you take photos of the cameras when you set them up?

[Carissa]

Yes, definitely.

[Jake Johnson]

And then if it's possible, can you try it on your phone? Because I know your dad will not be paying attention, but can you try to voice record you telling your dad about these cameras?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think it's important.

[Jake Johnson]

I just want to hear what he says.

[Carissa]

Yeah, okay, I will do that.

[Ty Burrell]

If there. If. If it. If it goes like that, there really is. I mean, I think. I think he's going to come. Come out of this with a new. New spot farther away and not. And not. And not be shamed.

[Jake Johnson]

No, this is gonna be. This seems like it's gonna be a ringing of the bell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. This problem is insane.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I think that's good. I think. I think we all feel good about that. So go do that, Carissa, and then keep us piss intervention.

[Carissa]

Awesome. I sure will. Thank you, guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Ty Burrell]

Thank you.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Huge fans of Squarespace. I use Squarespace for all the calendars I use, whether it's going on the [e-mail], yeah, that's a plug for myself. It helps you pick your domain. It showcases offerings of your professional website. You can grow your brand, get paid all in one place. And look, we have used Squarespace repeatedly on this show, and we continue to. When we're talking about setting up some weird thing for the show, we never go anywhere else. We know we're going to get something that looks legit helps the show and helps the person trying to do it with Squarespace.

[Jake Johnson]

We have used Squarespace many times on this great show. They've been a great partner for us. We've made a website for a fake restaurant and it fooled a lot of people. We've made a website for a fake cooking class because a woman was didn't want to tell her boss that she was taking a class to learn to be tied up sexually. It's a real story.

[Gareth Reynolds]

They've got SEO tools, domains. Like I said, why not get your domain? Squarespace will help you find the one that's right for your business. There's no hidden fees. There's no add on extras. It comes with advanced privacy and security tools included donations. Are you a good person? Do you want to have a website that shows that Squarespace that's where you do it. It's got built in email campaigns and marketing tools plus videos. You can showcase your expertise, engage with clients. It's all at Squarespace. I've been working with them for a long time because they are the best. So go to squarespace.com Gil sent me for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is brought to you by Armchair Experts. If you love comedy, conversation and hearing famous people get a little too honest, you'll want to check out Armchair Expert. Every Monday and Wednesday, host Dax Shepard and Monica Padman sit down with actors, comedians, scientists, really anyone interesting for honest, curious and hilarious conversations about life. I have been on the show twice. I love it. Dax is a good friend. Go check out my episodes if you haven't already heard the show and allow that to be your gateway drug into Armchair Dax is the best, but some of the funniest moments they come from our listeners. Every Friday, Dax and Monica listen to outrageous, awkward and deeply human stories from fans on the phone in real time on their Armchair Anonymous series. From disastrous dates to family secrets, accidentally joining a cult and a poop disaster, you won't believe they've heard it all. It's relatable, chaotic and laugh out loud funny. Follow Armchair Expert on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts and subscribe to armchair expert on YouTube and.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are brought to you by Kachava.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh boy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I love cachava. This is the best protein powder I have ever had. Without question it has the best taste. It is the highest quality. I recently was doing vanilla but then I had chai and Just as there it. It is the greatest. I cannot say enough good stuff about cachava.

[Jake Johnson]

They also have flavors that taste good. I don't like things that taste like junk because I got the taste buds of a child. You can get chocolate, vanilla, chai matcha, coconut, acai. I stick to the basics, chocolate and vanilla. I'm not against the swirl. Taking me back to my TCBY days. Throw some M&M's on that. Now I'm getting hungry.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I put it in with, like, greens. So I put it in, like, with a green smoothie. And it goes from a green smoothie where you're like, ah, I'd rather, you know, drown than drink this. To being like, this is delicious. I mean, this. It is as good as it gets. I'm addicted to kachava. Kachava's called me and have been like, hey, you need to stop. And I'm like, hey, you need to stop. So there's a bit of friction there, but it's only because I love the product. So fuel your daily adventures with Kachava. Go to kachava.com and use code here to help for 15 off your next order. That's Kachava K A C H A V A dot com. Code here to help for 15% off. All right. Hello.

[Carissa]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Welcome to the show.

[Carissa]

Woohoo. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great attitude. Can we get your name, where you're calling from and how old you are, please?

[Carissa]

Yes, I'm Kat, 26, from San Diego.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Kat, it's exciting. You've got Jake and I, and you've also got our great guest helper, Ty Burrell joining us for this call. We're going to solve whatever you have.

[Carissa]

Ty, I love you. I love you both, but I love Ty, so that's huge.

[Ty Burrell]

Thanks. Happy to be here.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Ty Burrell]

Sorry you need advice at all, but happy to be here?

[Carissa]

No, I think it'll. It'll be a fun one, I think.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, really fast. If you were going to have a memoir about your life, what would the title be?

[Carissa]

Dang. I thought maybe by the time I called in, this would have gone away. Okay. Memoir, title, the island. You know, my full name is Catalina. So let's go with the island.

[Jake Johnson]

The island is cool. Are you an island cat? You hard to connect to?

[Carissa]

Hey, I don't. Mysterious? I don't know. Maybe a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

All right, cool. What is your issue? Are you named after Catalina Island?

[Carissa]

I am. I'm from Long beach, so. And my family used to go a lot, so kind of that. And it's also my great grandma's name. So a couple, couple things. Okay. My question however. So my friends and I, we do game nights a lot. And I have this one good friend, she's a really good friend, but she cheats in every possible way at every game imaginable. And I'm noticing at first it really bothered me. Now it doesn't bother me anymore. I actually think it's kind of funny because other people are starting to get bothered. So my question really is how can I kind of orchestrate a game night where we kind of get her back and beat her at her own game? And just for more background, she and I were on the same team for a game and she was cheating with me and she kind of whispered to me like, well, this is just part of the game, like cheating's part of it. So. And you know, sure, if that's how she thinks. But it is funny because she wins every time. So people are starting to get a little annoyed. And so I'd love to, love to get her back, but in a fun way, in a light hearted way.

[Jake Johnson]

What we're looking for is, we're looking for, at the moment when she loses the game for you to say cheating's part of it.

[Carissa]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

We're not looking to crush her spirits, we're just looking for a little. Have you ever seen any of you guys have kids and watch Dhar Mann on YouTube? No. It's terrible. But there's always a very clear message at the end of it.

[Carissa]

It.

[Jake Johnson]

And that message is very much like, well, so you see, cheating is part of it. We're looking for. It's like the After School special vibe. Just looking to like bring home the point. Can we get the cheater's name?

[Carissa]

Yeah, let's go with Doja. That's my cat's name.

[Jake Johnson]

Doja.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great cat name. What kind of games are we talking about? Like, what are the.

[Carissa]

Yeah, so yeah, we've played Catan, Monopoly, even like car. Like pretty much any card game. That's where she really excels. She'll keep an extra stash under her leg. She'll move some. If there's like a board game situation, she'll like move some spaces or like if it's someone else's turn, she'll be like, oh, I think I forgot to move an extra space from my last turn. But no one says anything. Which is, which is the best part because everyone's upset but no one's willing.

[Jake Johnson]

To say anything crazy.

[Ty Burrell]

How often on the podcast do you come across Somebody who is broken. This is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's kind of in rarified air because I. It's so strange to want to win that. It's just a strange quarter.

[Jake Johnson]

It's really crazy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is unique, Ty.

[Ty Burrell]

I mean, this feels like a very hard one to start a strategy on because. Yeah, like, to your point, Jake. Like that the. I'm not sure how to fix your friend other than this. Just cheat better.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, I think that's.

[Carissa]

It's maybe not fix.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but I hear what you're saying, Cat. So she's. She's just cheating a little bit. But everybody likes doja. But everyone's getting sick of the cheating.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

And now the games you guys play. Does anybody are there? Because it's hard to pitch on this without having the rules of a specific game. So I'm trying to figure out if there's a game that we could either create or. Here's what I would really do. You know what? I got my first pitch.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I got one too.

[Carissa]

Go ahead.

[Jake Johnson]

I would get everybody involved when Doja is not around, discuss this. And all of you guys are cheating and texting each other.

[Ty Burrell]

That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

So that there's no way she could win. So that it's literally six versus one.

[Ty Burrell]

That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

And it gets so out of control that everything she does, like if it's uno, whatever. You guys all know who. What everybody card everybody has. So she always gets screwed in the game for. We need her to say. Say this is. Guys. It's no fun. And you say, I thought cheating was part of it.

[Ty Burrell]

That's really good.

[Carissa]

That's not harsh.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, no.

[Carissa]

Not mean.

[Jake Johnson]

Cat. We. Look, we're in a hard situation here. Vietnam by bringing muffins.

[Ty Burrell]

Which, by the way, famously is how Vietnam ended. But. But I was gonna just add. Add on to your pitch that maybe this is a long play. That it's not just one game night.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes.

[Ty Burrell]

It's like maybe three game nights in a row where she is. It's rigged. Where she can't win.

[Jake Johnson]

She can't even breathe.

[Ty Burrell]

There's just no doja.

[Jake Johnson]

She can't even start the game.

[Ty Burrell]

No. Like, it's just. There's just no way out. There's no way out. And then you come in with the after school special.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. Was part of the game ties. Right. And I think what you could also do in. In the game, she could, like, pull a card when she's at her most frustrated. And the card says, I thought cheating was part of it. Where she's like, you guys Are insane. It's like, you gotta stop cheating.

[Ty Burrell]

And it's. And it's written in blood. You know what I mean? Fresh blood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Gr. What's your pitch?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I.

[Jake Johnson]

The.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The what? I'm caught. I like that a lot. What do I got caught at at the beginning was like we were specifics of a game. It's like there's so much that has to go into that. I'm wondering if maybe it's just that whoever's the best actress in your crew, Cat, maybe catches her and has a fake freak out and gets a little emotional. And that kind of sets off a chain of events amongst you that is rehearsed where everybody is kind of having game night ruined because of her actions. And when she kind of feels in the crosshairs, you all kind of turn to her smile and be like, we're just kidding. But cheating is part of it. I get, you know, something like, can.

[Jake Johnson]

I pitch on that pitch? Because I loved the start. I think the ending's a little bit bonkers, but I don't mean bonkers in a bad way. I think we could create something here, Cat, where you have somebody come to the group, maybe you, and say you did a game night with other friends and somebody cheated. And everybody talks about how lame it was and how much it ruined the night. So you are talking about a third party player from another story that could.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Even be in this group. You could just say, like, you know, we're gonna say that Kate cheated to Doja, but obviously Kate didn't. But we kind of have a side intervention. Like, okay, Kate keeps cheating. What are we gonna do while Doge is there and just kind of on the cheating behavior so much to kind of scare her.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Carissa]

My boyfriend's part of this group, so that feels like a very easy ape goat.

[Ty Burrell]

I was gonna just add that. Is it helpful? I mean, it's. It's a lot. It's a lot to go through to bring in somebody new to the group.

[Carissa]

Group.

[Ty Burrell]

But basically, like, if you. It's sort of like a version of the same pitch where the new person comes into the group and used to be a part of a different game night, but. But that game night had a cheater.

[Jake Johnson]

And it ruined it.

[Ty Burrell]

And. And they don't do it anymore or. Or some version of that where basically like, we. That game night disbanded because there was a cheater.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a cheater.

[Ty Burrell]

There's a snake.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a snake in the grass. Nobody's gonna walk around without shoes on. What about.

[Ty Burrell]

Am I Right?

[Jake Johnson]

Am I right? And everybody goes, here, except for DOA and then she goes, yeah, here, here. What if we do something? And this was, what if you and your boyfriend do something where in a game, you catch him cheating and call him out and then go on like a real monologue about, like, it's ruining the game. What's the point? What kind of idiot do you have to be to cheat your friends? What's the point?

[Carissa]

Point?

[Jake Johnson]

We're doing this not for money, for friendship. If you're cheating us, you have no integrity. And he goes, like, I'm sorry. I just wanted to win, but I'll never do it again. I now see the cheating is not part of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I feel terrible.

[Ty Burrell]

You really did actually just write an after school special. Beginning, middle, and end.

[Jake Johnson]

Like, but we. You guys put on a show and it could be playful, but about how cheating at a card game with your friend or a game night is the worst form of game night play. And so therefore, it's about your boyfriend experimenting with it. And one day he shows up that game night, he's wearing, like a leather jacket, and he's trying to be like.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Smoke behind his ear.

[Jake Johnson]

Smoke behind his ear.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Toothpick.

[Jake Johnson]

And you're like, I don't know who you're trying to be, Roger, but this isn't you. And he goes, hey, I just can't lose.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Or he could, but he could do the breakdown too. I just. I lost myself in the cheating so much.

[Carissa]

Exactly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Where am I?

[Jake Johnson]

I just wanted to feel like a winner. You're a winner by being here and losing it. Game night is just as fun as winning because we're doing it together. You're right.

[Ty Burrell]

Is. Is your friend. Is Doja, like, completely open about this?

[Carissa]

When I was on her team. Yes and no. Because there's a real cheater. Slight, slight confrontation of, like, if she moves some extra spaces. Another girl in the group one time went, are you sure? Like, didn't we already do that? And she'll double down and go, oh, no, no, no, I. I didn't. So she's willing to. To stand firm.

[Gareth Reynolds]

She's taking you guys to the cleaners. I mean, you're all too nice as well. She's just stopping all over you.

[Jake Johnson]

So, Kat, where are you at? What are you kind of thinking? We've given some kind of options here. We're talking about. About having somebody else cheat in the group. We're talking about bringing in a third who talks about another game. You're talking about catching another cheater. You're you potentially talking about a situation where you're at at another game night. Potentially. And it's so hard to do with the games constantly changing, but everybody working together one night against her and every.

[Ty Burrell]

I really, I really like that one.

[Jake Johnson]

That's literally everybody cheating together so that.

[Ty Burrell]

She does fun for everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

And then she goes, are you guys cheating? And we go, yeah, girl, because you cheat. Now should we stop cheating at game night?

[Ty Burrell]

It's an intervention.

[Jake Johnson]

It's an intervention. It's a cheating intervention.

[Ty Burrell]

It's a game night intervention.

[Carissa]

Yes, I agree with Ty. I think that option is more fun friendly, a little more light hearted than the. Also, if I start acting, I'm just gonna laugh and crumble immediately. So that's kind of out. I might pass that on, build it into everyone cheating together game night. Maybe have someone else say something, sprinkle some extra in. But I'm liking the banding together and whether it's. Maybe it's the next time there's some type of board action game playing. We all scoot a few spaces ahead every time and we all steal some extra cards.

[Jake Johnson]

And you.

[Ty Burrell]

And you double down on denying it. Yes, right.

[Carissa]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, because I'll tell you why there are rules to things like a game night. Because if there weren't, it would be chaos. You want to know why the game Monopoly works because everybody takes their turn, rolls the dice and goes the thing. If you don't follow those rules, just take all the stupid fake money and put it in front of you and have all the properties, then you're living in utter chaos.

[Ty Burrell]

There's a version. Sorry, Gareth, go ahead.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, go.

[Ty Burrell]

Well, there's a version I'm pitching on your pitch, but there's a version where instead of we all cheat, don't we, at being the end of the group thing is that it just ends in a savage, lawless society. People got their shirts tied on their heads. There's a little fire happening in the corner. There's food everywhere there.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You want to live like this or you want to play by the rules?

[Ty Burrell]

And that's. And that's the end of the night. The end of the night is. This is what happens if we let go of the rules.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Chaos.

[Ty Burrell]

Does anybody want to live like this?

[Jake Johnson]

And then everybody's screaming. No, it's terrifying.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's terrible.

[Jake Johnson]

There's wild animals bleeding out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Somebody's fighting somebody in a corner.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Someone poops while walking. Yeah, I. You know what might be the best way to do it? You might do it on Monopoly night and Someone just goes online and buys a bunch of extra Monopoly money that you all pocket, and that's how you just keep going throughout the night. So she's earnestly going broke, and you guys have endless supplies.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a really fun way of doing it.

[Ty Burrell]

It's great. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Everybody in their pocket has, like, endless 500.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Another. Yeah, yeah. Has. Has an extra five grand.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what you could also do with that? Everybody also has extra houses and hotels, and every once in a while just adds another hotel.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You need a second Monopoly. Yeah, you need a monopoly on Monopoly.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. And so they go like, wait, did you have a hotel there? And you go like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

And then everybody else in the group was like, yeah, she.

[Jake Johnson]

And when she's not paying attention, let's say you have two of the three properties. You just trade. You go like this, like, ty, give me that yellow. Okay, I. Then you. I won't. And you like this. I won't charge you.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, yeah, great.

[Jake Johnson]

You don't chart. You make deals where you go, like, I'll give you rights if we won't charge each other. So the only person getting charged is her. Somebody else lands, you go like, we're good. Just don't charge me if I go on a boardwalk. All right. Can I stay there next time I'm there? Yeah, yeah, fine.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, fine by me. I'm not. I'm not going to be there.

[Carissa]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, my reds and yellows are open. I'm going on vacation. Everyone can stay there besides Dojo as long as they want. I'm not looking to make it a money thing. Just pay for the maids and clean up after yourself. But I don't want to, like, I don't want to charge you guys.

[Ty Burrell]

There's definitely.

[Jake Johnson]

Charge you full price.

[Ty Burrell]

There's definitely a. A great gaslight waiting for. For you on this about if everybody else just buys into this other universe.

[Jake Johnson]

Or even if you don't even talk about it in front of her cat, because I know you're not confrontational, but that you've bought in. Therefore, somebody, let's say Gareth, lands on my third thing. I don't even say 800 bucks. We just go, all right. And he goes like this. Ah, next up. And then she has to go like this. And aren't you going to charge them? And then you give me the 800 bucks and I just take it. But then you have unlimited money, and I just. Literally, the next day, I just hand you 800 bucks back. You just make it un. Not talked about. So it's just so weird. It's like the Truman show where she'll go, like, did Jake just give 800 bucks back to Gareth in the middle of the round? And then she finally goes, what is happening here? And you make her go, guys, it's not fun if you're all cheating.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah. Did you have fun tonight? I mean, we did.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The problem is it's gonna be really fun.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, that is the problem. Honestly, I would like to be a part of the group that does this, because that would be an absolute blast, is to just be.

[Jake Johnson]

And nobody breaks. Nobody talks about it. No, everybody. You're just playing until she's out.

[Ty Burrell]

I also think there's something in just things that are absolutely unexplained. Meaning kind of like what you were saying, like just landing on an innocuous spot and then money being exchanged. Yeah, just, just money being exchanged and everybody.

[Jake Johnson]

And nobody's talking about it. No.

[Ty Burrell]

Nobody explains anything.

[Jake Johnson]

And then she.

[Ty Burrell]

What's going on?

[Jake Johnson]

You go like this. We're not playing Monopoly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're just tweaking it.

[Ty Burrell]

Monopoly's going on.

[Jake Johnson]

Monopoly's going. And then eventually when she's out, she'll go, like, that kind of sucked. And we go, how come? Because we all cheated. Because game night makes no sense if you're cheating. Right.

[Ty Burrell]

Like, nor, Nor does life. Nor does life.

[Jake Johnson]

It is life.

[Ty Burrell]

Nor does life.

[Carissa]

You.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you get your group to do this?

[Carissa]

Yes, definitely.

[Jake Johnson]

Sure.

[Carissa]

Because they're more, they're more frustrated than I am. So that feels like a really easy.

[Jake Johnson]

You guys are all in a text chain, correct?

[Carissa]

I mean, with her, but yes.

[Jake Johnson]

All right. Can you get on a text chain right now and take her off it?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Side chain.

[Jake Johnson]

Because we're going to do this for the next game night.

[Carissa]

Okay.

[Ty Burrell]

This is what I really want to hear about, because this I would really enjoy being part of that. I, I, I think your friends are going to really love this.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, tell me when. Then say you're talking to the three of us. Say, hey, guys, I've been talking to Ty. Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson.

[Carissa]

Ty. Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And we have a situation to correct her real names. Cheating during game night. Okay, next game night, let's play Monopoly. I'm going to go off and buy two new Monopoly sets. You can go to a Salvation Army. They always have them there. I guess what, you know, we're going to do, we're going to buy them. So you buy them, tell the show. We'll reimburse you for the Monopoly sets. In that case, buy four of Them. So there's so much money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Extra pieces.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, extra. And everybody is going to have unlimited funds. We are not going to tell DOA and then say, let's create a game where we all work together very subtly so she has no idea. But we all cheat until she's out. And when she's out and finally breaks that it was no fun that we all cheated. We say, maybe we should make a rule that there's no more cheating and that cheating isn't part of it.

[Ty Burrell]

I'm also going to pitch that you guys have a rehearsal, that. That you have a night with the group to actually do a little bit of the magic part to figure out how. Where you're gonna keep the money. Like, how to actually be smooth about it.

[Jake Johnson]

Just totally. Right.

[Ty Burrell]

Just like four. Four good weeks of rehearsal.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Just. Yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

No, I'm just kidding.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Five nights a week. Nothing crazy.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of this text? Where you at? What with it?

[Carissa]

Okay. I have it typed out. It feels good. It feels the perfect balance of silly. But also. Let's stop this. So I'm comfortable with it. I signed off on it. I'm good.

[Jake Johnson]

Before you send it, will you read it out loud? And then, Cat, if you have any changes while you're doing it, just say one second, fix it, and then read the new sentence. We want it in your language. Ty, Gareth. If you guys have any pictures on it, throw it out. We are not in the finished part of this contract yet. This is. We are still in the workshop.

[Carissa]

One question.

[Jake Johnson]

Her.

[Carissa]

Her boyfriend. Doge's boyfriend, is also in this group. Should I leave him?

[Jake Johnson]

Cut his ass out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, he's out. He's compromised.

[Jake Johnson]

He's compromised. If he doesn't tell her, he's.

[Ty Burrell]

Yeah, he's in a. Lose. Lose. You're. You're doing him a favor also by leaving him out. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, clearly. Right?

[Jake Johnson]

He can't win here.

[Ty Burrell]

He's f. Yeah, yeah, don't tell him.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, don't tell him.

[Carissa]

Okay. He's out. Okay. Hey, guys, I'm on a podcast talking to Gareth, Jake and Ty. No last name. Sorry, Ty. And we have a. We are going to correct Doge's cheating deal during game nights. Next game night, let's play Monopoly. And we're going to go buy four new Monopoly sets. And then everyone is going to have unlimited cash. But let's not tell Doge. And then we'll create a game where we work together very subtly and we all cheat until she's completely broke, until we force her to Say something. And then at the very end, we say something like, yeah, that wasn't very fun, huh? Because we cheated. Right? Is that why it wasn't fun? Anyway, this is really fun. Oh, well, then I go into explaining more about the podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Maybe what we should do about it. Kat, that's pretty good. Maybe rather than you say it, you present her with a letter in an envelope.

[Carissa]

Hope.

[Jake Johnson]

And in the letter, it says, let's stop cheating because it's crazy that you cheated game night. We love you, but this is madness. For now on, if you cheat, we all have to cheat. And then this is chaos. And it might end up with us living in complete savagery.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Could be signed like the Declaration of Independence, too.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, everybody sign. And then. Oh, then there's a spot for her to sign with a pen and it. And it's, I declare, I will stop cheating at game night. It's dated. You have also bring in a notary.

[Ty Burrell]

That's great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're a notary.

[Ty Burrell]

That's great.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. Then bring your thing and you bring your.

[Ty Burrell]

Oh, it's so good.

[Jake Johnson]

What do you think of that?

[Carissa]

I think that's a perfect way to keep it front of mind every game night. We can pass it around. Whoever's hosting.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. That sheet goes up with you. Then you frame it, and whoever is hosting has it up.

[Carissa]

Yeah.

[Ty Burrell]

The notary thing is so great, too, because it is ridiculous. And I think it actually, there's a way to get out of this with your friend.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. It's hilarious.

[Ty Burrell]

Where she doesn't feel so. Yeah, whatever. Shamed or something. That she doesn't want to keep playing. The notary thing is even, I think, better because it's so heightened.

[Jake Johnson]

Agree.

[Ty Burrell]

Like, she'll know it's hilarious.

[Jake Johnson]

And everybody's got to do the weird fingerprint thing. Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bring the whole kit. The whole kit.

[Jake Johnson]

She's got to do her little thumb in that weird book. Who gets that book, by the way? I don't know. What is a notary?

[Ty Burrell]

I don't know.

[Jake Johnson]

Whenever I've had to do it, it's like, hold on, let me get this official book from 1930.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's an insane thing, digital.

[Jake Johnson]

I, like, put my thumbs in. They're like, okay. I'm like, I'm in the back of a FedEx. I'm like, why are we doing this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this real?

[Ty Burrell]

Nobody's ever going to look at this honestly.

[Jake Johnson]

Going like, wait a second, was that notarized? Yeah. Was that in a Glendale FedEx?

[Ty Burrell]

Can we see the book? Do you have the book.

[Jake Johnson]

No, currently.

[Ty Burrell]

Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That one was in Big Bear actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But and just signing like, you're going to be like, oh, good, Kevin. Cat. She's very good. She's one of our best.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So, Cat, will you follow up with. Oh, first of all, will you send that text so we know this is in motion?

[Carissa]

Yeah. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

And then send us a photo of the text while it was sent, when people respond and we can post that too.

[Carissa]

Yeah. She also is pretty. She does listen every once in a while.

[Jake Johnson]

So I'm wondering, like, hold on, let's do this now. Actually. Hold on now, when are we airing this one?

[Carissa]

I don't have it scheduled yet. We can wait until like maybe end of August.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that's enough.

[Carissa]

Okay, that's perfect. Okay, that's perfect.

[Jake Johnson]

Great. And then it'll be. Then we'll have her on for the follow up too. Sorry, No, I remember it was earlier.

[Carissa]

Yeah, it's because it's August 6th. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. You got to go fast.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get to work.

[Ty Burrell]

You can do it.

[Jake Johnson]

You can do it. You gotta go. But then have her on for the follow up with us.

[Carissa]

She's on fish. Okay, that's good.

[Jake Johnson]

That's.

[Ty Burrell]

That's good too. That'll soften it. That's good.

[Jake Johnson]

It'll soften it. Yeah. Yeah, Cat, we appreciate you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks, Cat.

[Carissa]

Yeah, thanks, Cat. So fun.

[Ty Burrell]

Good luck.

[Jake Johnson]

Good luck.

[Carissa]

Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ HelpfulPod gmail.com. and if you want to walk watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] heretohelp pod to see our entire catalog.

[Ty Burrell]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis.

[Ty Burrell]

Associate producer Jesse Thurston. Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Stralecki. And if you'd to like like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.

[Carissa]

All video episodes of season one are.

[Jake Johnson]

Available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com heretohelpod hey, I'm Gareth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Reynolds and I have a new podcast on Headgum called Next. We have have. Now, this show is for people with short attention spans, which is everyone. I mean, you're probably trying to skip this ad right now, but don't, because you now legally have to listen to the show. That's how law works. Next we have is very simple. Each episode has three short segments. For instance, Lisa Gilroy and I write insane revenge Yelp reviews for callers who had bad experiences with a business. The Doughboys play a game called Meal or no Meal, and Steph Tolov and I go head to head on a thought provoking game called Guess that that sound. The show is as dumb as it sounds, and we probably have more fun than we should, but it's a great time and you should listen or watch new episodes of Next. We have every Thursday on YouTube or your favorite podcast, Apple.