208: Best Advice Vol 1: Bare Bowling It

Summary

We're Here to Help – Episode 208: Best Advice Vol 1: Bare Bowling It

Podcast Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: September 17, 2025
Format: Call-in style, listeners share the best advice they've given or received
Episode Theme: Experimenting with a new, rapid-fire format where callers recount memorable or impactful pieces of advice from their lives, followed by Jake and Gareth’s comedic takes and reflections.

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Overview

In this “Best Advice Vol 1” episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds shake up their usual podcast dynamic. Instead of dishing out advice, they invite listeners to share the best advice they've either been given or have dispensed themselves. With characteristic banter and unscripted digressions, the hosts react to each story—with some wild riffs, a few debates, and even the occasional compassionate moment. The result is a mix of laughs, genuine insight, and the recurring conclusion that sometimes “the best advice” is surprisingly practical (or odd).

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

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1. The New Format & Steve Berg’s “Food Bit” Legacy

[01:44–05:31]

• The hosts establish the new episode format: callers presenting best advice, rapid-fire style.
• Jake and Gareth reminisce about their friend Steve Berg’s improv scenes, always based around food.
  • Memorable moment: Gareth describes Berg's “food improv” as:
    “If Steve Berg was standing out on stage and you walked out there to join him, there's a 95 to 98% chance it's going to be food... He’s going to go, ‘this spaghetti came out perfect. But I'm worried we're not going to have enough.’” (04:05)
• Steve is validated as a genuinely good cook thanks to a casserole that sustained Gareth during hard times.
• Quote:
  “Steve came over with a real big casserole that saved me.... I was eating microwavable pizzas that were 10 for $10 at Vons on a level that was completely unhealthy.” – Gareth (05:17–05:31)

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2. Caller Abby: Handling Late Shoe Shop Customers

[06:46–13:33]

• Abby from Somerset, UK, shares advice given to coworkers: how to get late-arriving customers out of the shop when there’s no overtime.
  • Abby’s approach: She claims the warehouse computer system shuts off at closing time, so no more shoes can be brought out.
  • “When they get angry, it's generally pointed towards the computer system and not towards me or my colleagues.” (11:59)
• Jake and Gareth riff ways to expedite slow customers:
  • Have someone yell from the back, “locking the doors.”
  • Play loud “closing time” music.
  • Have a friend attempt to shop late to demonstrate store closure.
• The segment ends in a comedic spiral with Jake and Gareth doing absurd customer shtick (e.g., “I'm an old man, I want to try on a shoe!”) and pleading for Abby to hang up as she’s “staying too long in the store.”

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3. Caller Brian: Reinventing Chore Time with “Two-Minute Game Breaks”

[14:10–21:36]

• Brian from Dayton, OH, tells how the podcast inspired him and his wife to treat household chore conflicts as if calling into the show, pitching creative solutions.
• Game-changing advice: After each completed chore, the first daughter gets a “two-minute game break” with dad—chosen activity (Throw Throw Burrito, tickle fights, Nerf gun battles, etc.)
  • “It makes it fun... The last 10 minutes are enjoyable, and it’s actually pretty sweet because these are times you know, whenever we get back.” (18:05)
  • Nerf gun twist: Brian cocks the Nerf gun as a reminder to get back to chores—a playful motivator.
• Discussion on keeping chores cooperative, not competitive (“One girl doesn’t like competition, so that started in tears”).
• Jake and Gareth endorse gamifying chores, sharing their own household strategies.

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4. Caller Ruth: The “Bare Bowling” Revelation

[24:44–34:11]

• Ruth from Chicago shares a family anecdote: her young cousin thought the toilet seat should be up no matter what, even for #2 ("bare bowling" it).
  • “He comes out of the bathroom waving his hand... obviously, he just took a shit, comes back... the seat is up. I go back and I’m like, Carlos, why is the seat up if you just took a shit?... like, you’ve been bare bowling it this whole time.” (25:30–26:27)
• Hilarity erupts as they ponder the logistics and mystery:
  • “He holds the sides of the stall or the vanity.” – Ruth (27:12)
  • “This is where Covid came from,” – Gareth (28:00)
• Jake and Gareth brainstorm ridiculous ways to out other “bare bowlers” and rehash the shock that bathroom wisdom isn’t universal.

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5. Caller Tim: Masturbation as Exam Prep

[34:25–36:32]

• Tim from Nova Scotia recounts advice from his improv teacher turned lawyer: “If you really want to do this, you have to masturbate” before taking the LSAT.
  • Jake: “I didn’t expect that from an improv teacher... Tim, this one is a real shock.” (35:19)
  • Tim credits the advice: “I did as I was instructed, and I've been a practicing lawyer for almost 10 years.” (36:14)
• Gareth closes out: “Keep practicing law and masturbating, my guy.” (36:18)

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6. Caller Kelly: Never Trust Boys Without Socks

[36:46–42:33]

• Kelly recalls mom’s ‘90s-era wisdom after a boy ruins her boombox:
  • “Don’t trust boys that don’t wear socks. This was right around the Miami Vice era, and I live by that to this day.” (38:40)
• Jake and Gareth discuss generational/fashion advice, laugh about “Miami Vice” style, and agree there’s something to it.
• Emotional beat: Kelly’s mom died a year later, making the advice a treasured family legacy.

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7. Caller Michaela: The Chicken-Napping Dog

[43:16–48:13]

• Michaela from rural America describes moving into her first country home, only for her dog to bring her a live chicken (“missing half the feathers”) he’d clearly abducted.
• Her father's advice: Calm down, go to the neighbor, apologize, and offer to pay. But if the flock is destroyed? “Blame the coyotes, eat the chicken, and sell the house.”
• Michaela follows Dad’s advice, fesses up to the neighbors.
  • Their response? “We have so many extra eggs. Would you like some?”
  • Now, she gets free eggs five years running.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Steve Berg’s food improv:
  “He’s going to just start... using tongs in a bowl and he’s going to go, ‘this spaghetti came out perfect. But I'm worried we're not going to have enough.’” – Gareth (04:05)

• On late customers:
  “If they're there past 9 o'clock, they're in the shithouse.” – Gareth (09:36)

• On “bare bowling”:
  "Like, you've been bare bowling it this whole time." – Ruth (26:27)
  “This is where Covid came from.” – Gareth (28:00)

• On Masturbation as advice:
  “If you really want to do this, you have to masturbate.” – Tim’s improv-turned-lawyer mentor (35:19)

• On boombox-boy trustworthiness:
  “Don’t trust boys that don’t wear socks.” – Kelly’s Mom (38:40)

• On chicken-dog diplomacy:
  “If you see chickens lying everywhere and their entire flock has been massacred, you turn that four-wheeler around, have that chicken for supper, then put your house up for sale tomorrow morning....” – Michaela’s Dad (47:18)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:44–05:31 — Format introduction, Steve Berg food improv stories
• 06:46–13:33 — Abby's shoe shop after-close strategy
• 14:10–21:36 — Brian’s “two minute game break” chore fix
• 24:44–34:11 — Ruth and the “bare bowling” cousin
• 34:25–36:32 — Tim’s LSAT masturbation advice
• 36:46–42:33 — Kelly's “no sock, no trust” rule
• 43:16–48:13 — Michaela’s dognapped chicken and egg neighbor story

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Episode Takeaways & Tone

• Atmosphere/Tone:
  Conversational, irreverent, warmhearted, and filled with digressive riffs. The hosts mix sincere curiosity with comedic disbelief and affectionate teasing.

• Overarching theme:
  “Best advice” comes in many forms, sometimes utterly practical (“Don’t trust boys without socks”), sometimes bizarre (“Masturbate before exams”), but often memorable and worth passing on.

• Listener Value:
  The episode is a showcase for comical problem-solving, quirky wisdom, and the comfort of shared stories—perfect for fans and newcomers alike.

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Final Thoughts

Jake and Gareth successfully experiment with listener-driven storytelling, mining the humor and oddity in real-life advice. Whether it’s outsmarting late-night shoppers or redefining family rules for bathroom basics, the episode highlights that if advice isn’t always perfect, at least it’s entertaining.

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To share your “best advice,” email [e-mail].

Want to watch video episodes? Visit patreon.com/heretohelppod

Transcript

[Jake Johnson]

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[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Rocket Money.

[Jake Johnson]

We are brought to you by.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We are brought to you by Rocket Money. Well, Jake, people know what Rocket Money is. It's a personal finance app that if you have subscriptions. We've both talked about this before. You have subscriptions, you're still paying, and you feel beaten down when you realize you've been paying for something for eight months that you don't use or you don't want.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So Rocket Money helps you find those and lower your bills and grow your savings.

[Jake Johnson]

So I did Rocket Money when they started sponsoring us. And what I like about it is I have gotten word there's a few subscriptions that I have been paying for, and it's not a lot. It'll be like 4.99amonth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah, I had that.

[Jake Johnson]

I had an 1199 one. I didn't even know what they were. I had this really embarrassing moment where I thought I was on top of my finances. And then I looked and I was like, I don't even know what that. I guess it was a game on some app that I bought for somebody else on my. I'm like, I don't know. Maybe it was a. I don't know. But it's nice to. It's like, cancel all of it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, yeah. They figure it out. They make you. And you don't have to tell anyone about these subscriptions you're finding, like Jake just did, because that was a little embarrassing. But either way, we love Rocket Money. Start saving [e-mail] help.

[Jake Johnson]

And we are back.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Back. Change a Wednesday and a little bit of a change up on the Wednesday.

[Jake Johnson]

This is what we pitched, Gareth. This is what we promise. Mondays are just you and me and calls Wednes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wednesday's the lab.

[Jake Johnson]

Now you got. You shook your head. No, something off camera. Something else.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Something else.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I was like, I think. Yeah, I think that's right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah. Yeah. She's like, no, Monday. No, I think I'm right. Wednesdays are specifically. Not this.

[Jake Johnson]

Once somebody says no, I lose confidence. But I was very confident.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I was thrown. I was thrown.

[Jake Johnson]

So Mondays are always Mondays. Wednesdays, we're having some fun. And we're also starting to have some fun on Fridays, if people have noticed.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. Things are happening.

[Jake Johnson]

It's a podcast. We can do whatever we want. There's no studio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you the Friday.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Did you listen to our Friday episode, Gary?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not all of it.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yeah. No, you weren't supposed to.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I. Some of it I just listened to a little, just to get. I jumped around. Just. I wanted to hear Steve Berg.

[Jake Johnson]

What were the texts you sent me, Gareth, about some of the highlights?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I just wanted to hear the chemistry betwixt the two. And, and some of the Berg stuff was.

[Jake Johnson]

Bergisms were shocking.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He. He was, he was on fire. Okay, I'll read you a couple quotes. Just a couple quotes. The first one was I'm an appreciator of the skateboard. Just such a lie. It's such a way for him to just kind of try to relate, maybe laugh. July followed by while heavy for a midday meal. And this is said with so much confidence.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

It's like serious too.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's so like, hey, trust. Trust the quarterback. Let the quarterback throw. While heavy for a midday meal. Where do you stand on pizza lunches, caller? Long haul. And then finally, I think I'm going to be alternating my cooking schedule this weekend and cooking lasagna. Like if Garfield had a phone, there.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Was so much food talk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's Berg. But that's Berg. Natalie it. When we've talked about this, but like when we used to do improv, if, if Steve Berg was standing out on stage and you walked out there to join him, there's a 95 to 98% chance it's going to be food. He's going to just start do using tongs in a bowl and he's going to go, this spaghetti came out perfect. But I'm worried we're not going to have enough. And you're like, every.

[Jake Johnson]

And then I would bring it up to him off stage. I'd say, like, why so much food stuff, man? Like, we're not actually eating. Are you just hungry? And he would go, it always slays.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here's what it did, though. First 40 seconds, slay. Because he could do the stuff where he goes, by the way, this rigatoni ain't gonna eat itself. And then you'd be a minute in and you go, all right, now what, what is that?

[Jake Johnson]

You'd be like talking this in a scene and eat a meatball.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And you're just talking about this event that Steve's excited about that has nothing to do with anything. You're like, yeah, hopefully they like it.

[Jake Johnson]

So we are trying something. Go ahead, Natalie, what are you going to say?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Well, I just have one question. Is Steve actually a good cook?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

You guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you really think so, Gary?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I think he is, yeah. Yeah.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

His meals.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes. I was on Yes a couple of times and one time I was, I was in A real tough little spot in my little entertainment journey. And Steve came over with a real big casserole that, that saved me.

[Jake Johnson]

That's nice story on that.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, I was very broke and I'd been, you know, I had been borrowing money from Steve on and off for a little while and I was eating microwavable pizzas that were 10 for $10 at Vaughn's on a level that was completely unhealthy. And, and Steve thought of me and he came over the big casserole dish and he didn't even, he might have texted, I'm in the neighborhood, can I swing by? And I was like, yeah, sure. And he came over and he goes, I made you a casserole, Keep the dish, enjoy. And I ate it. It was delicious and it was right on time.

[Jake Johnson]

What a sweetheart. So, Steve.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So today we've got, we're doing a different format. We're trying something, we are trying to have people call in with the best advice that they've ever gotten and we're going to see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, a little more rapid fire style. This is a little bit off of the 200th with Patreon. We sort got to hear from people pretty quickly. So yeah, we just thought it's in the world of the show. So let's see how it works. A little departure. So without further ado. Hello, Hello.

[Caller Abby]

Hello.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi.

[Jake Johnson]

Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi. Welcome.

[Caller Abby]

Thanks for having me.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you for being here. This is a little change up. You are actually the first person calling in this format that we're testing out. So no pressure at all. You've got Jake and I here. You got Nat Attack. Sweet Jesse. He's muted but he could jump in. Who knows? Anything can happen here. Hey, what's up everybody? Thank you. Sweet Jesse. And basically asking for great advice. So what is a great piece of advice you were given? What's your name, first of all?

[Caller Abby]

My name's Abby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hi, Abby. Where are you calling from?

[Caller Abby]

I'm calling from the uk.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Uk? Whereabouts?

[Caller Abby]

The Southwest Somerset.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Somerset Lamley. Yeah. Jason Fort, is it.

[Jake Johnson]

Is it near Cathedral 4th or. No.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so Abby, we appreciate you. What is, what's a great, what's some great advice you were given?

[Jake Johnson]

So it's not actually I'm tired.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I said Abby, so it would be crazy for that to be directed to you.

[Jake Johnson]

Cheers.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Cheers. I don't even think cheers would be like, okay, all right, Abby, go ahead. Sorry about that. Calm. It is not a don't. How about that? You calm it. Nicola, dawn, you're getting becoming more and more inaudible because you're losing confidence in the accent more and more. And that's what's happening. And I could tell because. Yeah. Why are you nodding?

[Jake Johnson]

Because that's right, Abby, go ahead.

[Caller Abby]

So it's not actually advice I was given, but advice I've given to my colleagues.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Great.

[Caller Abby]

So I work in a shoe shop and quite often we have some late stragglers who waltz in like a couple of minutes before we close.

[Jake Johnson]

I love this setup. What year is.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's one thing I love about England or even going to other countries. It's like, doesn't this feel like this is like a 70s, like our society? We don't have shoe shops. We have like Payless.

[Jake Johnson]

And we also don't have stragglers coming in late. We.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sorry, a bit late. Just looking to get some shoes at a shoe shop. Stragglers.

[Jake Johnson]

What's a shoe, by the way? What's Is a shoe shop? Is it a big corporate name or is it just like a company that sells shoes?

[Caller Abby]

So, yeah, it's kind of like an independent company, but we have people from all over and yeah, I think we send orders to all. All across the world.

[Jake Johnson]

Jeal. All right, so you got a straggler.

[Gareth Reynolds]

In your shoe shop, a 9pm shoe shopper.

[Caller Abby]

So we. We don't get paid overtime. So although we're happy to help them, we want them out there as soon as possible, basically.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Jake Johnson]

So you're not happy to help them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's true. Also true.

[Jake Johnson]

That's just. That was just Steve Burgess, that is.

[Caller Abby]

Just want to get home, you know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I'm happy to help him, of.

[Jake Johnson]

Course, but I gotta get the hell out of here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll go the extra mile, but I'll tell you what, if they're there past 9 o', clock, they're in the shithouse.

[Jake Johnson]

Keep going.

[Caller Abby]

So I just wanted to kind of, you know, find a way that we could get them out quickly because we've ended up being there an hour past close before and like.

[Jake Johnson]

Jesus. And no overtime.

[Caller Abby]

No overtime?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No.

[Jake Johnson]

That pissed me off.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hour past close.

[Caller Abby]

Yeah, it can.

[Jake Johnson]

Shoe shopping.

[Caller Abby]

They're mostly elderly customers, so they just like shout out. So I thought they're not listening. And Gareth, do they probably tell like a little white lie or something?

[Gareth Reynolds]

So, wait, Abby, to be fair, you were basically trying to think of the advice we would give you in this situation.

[Caller Abby]

Exactly. That is exactly what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, hold on real quick. Jake, would you have a. I mean, I know she's already done it.

[Jake Johnson]

I hear what you're Saying, would you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Have a pitch on that?

[Jake Johnson]

How to get. Yeah, I would.

[Gareth Reynolds]

How to get people out.

[Jake Johnson]

I would have another coworker from the back be yelling, closing up. Locking the doors. And then I would be the one front of house going like, it's okay, take another. And they'd be like, literally burning the doors down. In 15 seconds, everybody out. And then go out and go like, oh, sorry, didn't see you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. You know what I'd do?

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would have a friend come in 15 minutes past closing, trying to shop, and I'd say, we're closed. We're just waiting for these people to leave and. And then the store's closed. We're not letting any new customers in because we are technically closed.

[Jake Johnson]

The third thing I would do is at 9 o', clock, I would start playing loud music.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's closing time.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So music.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Flip the lights on.

[Jake Johnson]

Flip the lights, change.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

What'd you do?

[Caller Abby]

So when we're getting a pair of shoes for a customer to try on, we have to go on the computer to book it off from the warehouse, because we basically have a big warehouse attached to. To our shop. So then you have to go get the shoes from the warehouse. So I just basically told them that the warehouse computer system shuts off when we're supposed to close, so I won't be able to book any more shoes off for them. So what we've got is literally all they can try on. So it kind of ushers them out the door a bit quicker. And when they. Or if they get angry, it's generally pointed towards the computer system and not towards me or my colleagues.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a fact.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like that. Hey, I like that. That's. Has it been working, Abby?

[Caller Abby]

The latest we've managed to get outdoor is five minutes past close, so it's pretty much a win. Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Can you do me a favor? Really fun with that accent. Could you say, hi, this is Pam. I'm in love with you, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Abby, Thanks a lot for the call. We're really happy that that worked out for you and you're great.

[Caller Abby]

I can squeeze it in, thanks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, you gotta. Actually, the show's.

[Jake Johnson]

Actually.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Abby, the show's closing in a minute. Go ahead. Unfortunately, our computers are not going to take anymore.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm an old man. I want to try on a shoe.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Get out. The computers aren't working. The warehouse is.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a size 10 in a five shoe. See if I could squeeze it in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

There's no way It's a size 10.

[Jake Johnson]

No way. It's a size 5, honey. Stop. After your big head came out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. No.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

No, not your brother, baby, but your ginger ass.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

Ruin the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

And I love the woman.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

What you did to her is disgusting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Be quiet.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What do you mean, you agree? What?

[Jake Johnson]

Your brother, breast milk like a normal kid.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

You wouldn't stop, Jake. Two to three, to four, to five as a baby.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Shut up, Abby. We're gonna let you go. So it was a pleasure.

[Caller Abby]

Thank you so much for having me.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you. Can we hear the one line from Pam really fast before we go?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Abby, thanks a bunch. We're gonna need you to hang up.

[Caller Abby]

Jake is Pam.

[Jake Johnson]

I love you, Jake.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Abby, hang up the call. Hang up the goddamn phone. Bye. Bye, Abby. Thank you, Abby.

[Jake Johnson]

Anything you want to say, Abby?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Mixed feelings. Bye, Abby. Abby, hang up. We got to let someone else on. We got to go. Thanks. Seriously, hang up. We're closing. You know what it's like when people are sticking around too long in your store. You're doing that to our store. Thanks, Abby. Bye.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

She's gone.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank God. Okay, breaking in another one. All right. Hello.

[Jake Johnson]

What a great voice she had.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Caller Brian]

Howdy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Howdy. How are you?

[Caller Brian]

Pretty good. How you guys?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Good. What's your name, please?

[Caller Brian]

Name's Brian.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Brian, where are you calling from?

[Caller Brian]

Dayton, Ohio.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Dayton, Ohio. And you're leading with a howdy?

[Caller Brian]

That's right. Lived in Texas for 13 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Respect. There we go. All right. Well, Brian, what was some great advice you were given or you have given, that you can.

[Caller Brian]

Okay, well, so this is some advice that actually was inspired by the podcast.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Caller Brian]

So, you know, my wife and I, we've got two daughters, nine and 12. And probably. Probably, like most parents, we have trouble with them doing, having the girls do their chores, especially after dinner, you know, so between dinner and bedtime, it's just sheer pandemonium, trying to get them back on track to get things done.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What are the. What are the chores they have, Brian, out of curiosity?

[Jake Johnson]

Dishes, cleaning the room, cleaning up after themselves. Homework.

[Caller Brian]

Jake, it sounds like you've done this before.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, go ahead. Friends.

[Jake Johnson]

What were you guessing? What would your guest been, Gareth?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I would have guessed dishes. But then after that, I'd be like, well, why isn't the room clean already? That's what I think.

[Jake Johnson]

Because they may mess it up.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, that's why I don't do this.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller Brian]

Well, you know, in a perfect world, everything could be done. But of course, you know, usually, usually, things get wait. They wait until the last minute and then like the last 10 minutes before bedtime, there's just weeping and gnashing of teeth. Oh, yes. It's chaos. Everybody's tired, you know, so. So, you know, my wife and I were like, we gotta fix this. So now sex part had a little bit of a setup because I've been telling my wife about the podcast and. But she hadn't heard it yet. So a few weeks back, we had a date night. And on the way to dinner, I played the Monopoly intervention episode with Ty Burrell and the. About the girl who had her friend who was cheating. Cheating, you know, so. And my wife, she just loved it. She was just, she was crying. It was so, so funny.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So it's a good date night so far.

[Caller Brian]

It's great date night. And so, you know, cut to, to dinner. We're sitting there talking. I said, listen, we need to talk about this chore business because it's, you know, stressing us out. So I said, what if we pretend like we're calling in to we're here to help give the problem and then pitch some ideas?

[Jake Johnson]

So, Brian, I love what you did here on a date night, brother. Same truly.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah, I mean, and, you know, it was, it was kind of like doing a bit, but also real life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

So that's the show exactly how we handle every call.

[Caller Brian]

So, you know, we just had a lot of fun just giving some, you know, crazy ideas. And then what we actually finally settled on was like the two minute game break. So what? And we've been doing it ever since, and it's working pretty well. So after each chore, the girl, you know, whichever one gets done with the chore first, gets to have two minutes of any game or activity they want with me. So, like, my oldest likes to play. Like, have you ever heard of throw? Throw burrito. That's a fun game.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller Brian]

So do that. Or. And then my youngest daughter, she loves to tickle. And so it's like two minute tickles with data. Just, you know, all out, intense game or activity for two minutes. And then the timer goes off and it's like, okay, get back to your chores. And then like, they go to the next chore and then they rush back to do the next activity.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's great.

[Caller Brian]

And, you know, we may not necessarily get done exactly on time.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Makes it fun, though.

[Caller Brian]

It makes it fun. And I tell you what, the last 10 minutes are, are enjoyable. And it's actually pretty, it's actually pretty sweet because these are times, you know, that you Know, whenever we get back. So, you know, lots of good memories and a lot of fun. The only time it comes off the rails is if I'm not engaged or I'm not. You know, like, if I'm trying to do something else, my own chore or whatever, then that doesn't work so well. I kind of got to be full on engaged with them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Brian, one of your chores is to pay off their chore reward. There you go.

[Jake Johnson]

I got to say, I not only like this a lot, but this could be a hot take for parents.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, I like. I like it too.

[Jake Johnson]

You're turning it into a game. I like the. You could do whatever you want for two minutes. You just got to do it. So it becomes a rush to finish stuff.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

In my house, which we started doing was for taking out the garbage and doing the dishes. I put a list on the fridge, and every time you do it, you mark it down, because nobody wants to be the one who has the least.

[Caller Brian]

Right. Well, and we tried that kind of stuff and stick. I mean. And I mean, every. Every family is different. Right? But then, like. Like one of the girls doesn't like competition, so then that just. That was started in tears.

[Jake Johnson]

Is the best.

[Caller Brian]

Oh, no, it's tons of fun. But, you know, there's, you know, a range of emotions, whole thing. But so. But then. Then I have to say, a couple nights ago, I pulled a page, and so my oldest girl has. Likes to do Nerf gun battles. And so I. Yeah, sure, we can do. We can do two men, two minutes, and nerf gun battles.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

No problem.

[Caller Brian]

But then I thought, let's make it interesting. And I said, listen, when we're not. But I'm not doing a Nerf gun battle. If I see you not doing your chore and you hear that Nerf gun cock, you got five seconds to get back on track. So you're.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now you're not shooting them with the Nerf gun.

[Jake Johnson]

This is a big win, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I like it.

[Jake Johnson]

I like it. I definitely see how it's adjacent to the show and. Gareth, I'm going to do something on this one. Will you ring the bell?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I think it.

[Caller Brian]

I think so.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. Realize we'll take credit was people saying the advice is loosely based off advice from the show, but, man, am I liking the turn.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well. And might I also say, if we may. What if at the end of the week, you have a weak champion and.

[Jake Johnson]

They get maybe like one girl doesn't like the competition.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's a whole. Okay, thank You, Brian. Thanks for the call.

[Caller Brian]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

It's not going to work.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The whole thing's a competition.

[Jake Johnson]

No, but it's a competition for Cuddles and tickles. They don't like to compete with each other.

[Caller Brian]

They get a pizza, you gotta do something that they. That they both win. So, like, sometimes what I'll do is I'll say, hey, if we all get done early, then we get to play a game together, the three of us, you know, and. And. And that you. You know, that. That works out pretty well because sometimes they fight over what game they want to play. Like, we both can't play the same game. So it's like, listen, last night you had this game. Tonight, you know, the other one gets it. So it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, it's a win for you, for us, and maybe get one of them pizza out of Sunday. Thank you, Brian.

[Caller Brian]

Hey, thanks, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it.

[Jake Johnson]

This episode is still brought to you by Rocket Money.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We have not jumped ship.

[Jake Johnson]

No, it's all Rocket Money. This is a Rocket Money episode, which is nice because Gareth and I both use Rocket Money to save money. Gareth. In the first one, I admitted that I had been overspending.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I could go on and on. I mean, give me one. Okay, here's a good one. This was probably. This one is shocking. So this is probably. And because I probably, like, linked it to my bank account, this one had been going on for ages. I had a standup show, the packers were in the playoffs. And so I had to drive to the show. So I got this, like, packers radio station. I listened to it. I paid $5 the one time. Just like, whatever, I'll sign anything. And then, I mean, we're talking like, two years of me paying.

[Jake Johnson]

The season's not even happening.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Months. Like, they must have been looking a small radio. Like, they must have been looking at their finances. Like, this guy's keeping us afloat.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, what I really think it is, is I think there is a whole business of these companies that they make money on people forgetting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

Where you just go. Like, that's so snaky.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely. Well, because when you actually see some of these things, like, sometimes if you want to watch something once I know it, you just do. Like, I'll do a free week.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, they'll give you a free 30 days. And then if you're not totally on it, they start charging. Rocket Money shows you all your expenses in one place, including subscriptions you forgot about. If you see a subscription you no longer want, Rocket Money will help you cancel it. Their dashboard Lays out your total financial picture, including bill due dates and pay dates, in a way that's easy to digest. You can even automatically create custom budgets based on your past spending.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

If you've got a goal you would like to save for. For example, you want to buy the Steveberg Hunk calendar. Rocket Money can analyze your accounts to find the best time each month to put extra money aside. I don't think it'll have to save for that calendar.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, you might want a bunch of them, though.

[Jake Johnson]

100 of them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, and we've been talking about maybe wrapping a van and stuff. It depends how crazy you want to go with the Steve Berg photos.

[Jake Johnson]

I would love to wrap a van with one of those photos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I completely. And Rocket Money will help you do that. Rocket Money has saved 5 million members, a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, with members saving up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the kind of money, if put together, we could wrap hundreds of thousands of cars in Stevenberg photos.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I don't see why we would stop ourselves when things are making so much sense right now.

[Jake Johnson]

So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket money. Go to rocket.com help today. That's rocket money.com help. Rocket money.com help. So it's different than I expected. It's nice.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I mean, I'm picking really randomly because it's just everybody.

[Caller Brian]

The.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

It's nice, but bringing one in.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

See what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello.

[Caller Brian]

Hello.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

How's it going?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, how are you? Welcome to the show.

[Jake Johnson]

How you doing?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, not. Not into this.

[Jake Johnson]

What's happening? Let me get this over with.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What's your name, please?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Ruth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruth. Nice to meet you, Ruth. Where are you calling from?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Chicago.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nice.

[Jake Johnson]

Have you seen the van?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I have not seen the van.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Damn. Get out there.

[Jake Johnson]

If anybody sees it randomly, email.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, yeah. Take some pictures. What's some great advice you gave or were given, Ruth?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

All right, so just for reference, my sister and I were like, 14 and 16 when my cousin's born. So the story is about him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So I always thought, you know, he was so much younger. I can take him under my wing, show him the way, navigate the world. The one time before Christmas, my sister was home. He was in middle school. So we decided to have a sleepover at my apartment. We were watching a movie, and he was like, I need to go to the bathroom. Whatever. Fine. He comes out of the bathroom waving his hand in front of his face. Obviously, he just took a shit, comes back, continue the movie. I walk by, and I see in the bathroom that the seat is up. I go back and I'm like, carlos, why is the seat up if he just took a shit? And he was like, oh, that's just what guys do when they go to the bathroom. And I was just like, no, you lift it when you pee, but not when you poop. I'm like, my husband was there, and he was like, yeah, Carlos. Guys definitely don't do that. Like, you've been bare bowling it this whole time.

[Jake Johnson]

Bear bowling, by the way. You want to hear something crazy? There will be at least. No, I haven't. But there will be one listener on this call right now who bare bowls. And the first time, they're gonna go, what?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Well, I'm happy I can help them.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that you think that the up is for men at all times and the down is always for women.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Well, men, we're not supposed to comfort.

[Gareth Reynolds]

But you. You know that feeling sometimes, like, in the middle of the night every now and then where you're like, oh, I don't feel good. You go there, and you just basically like, butt. You're in a pool, and you're like, oh, no. Like, that's happened once in your life where you're like, yeah.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So I was like, how do you. How do you not fall in? Like, he said he, like, holds the sides of the stall or, like, the vanity.

[Jake Johnson]

Was this kid. He was like, 12, shocking 12 years of his life.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He bare bald, public rest.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Well, you know, maybe like, nine. Nine years. Nine years.

[Jake Johnson]

That's true.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Oh, so then he told us, like, okay, well, it makes sense because it's always so cold when I go to the bathroom. So he would tell us how he tries to, like, sit on his pants because it's so cold.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, what? Hold on, hold on, hold on. I missed that. Say that again.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Every. Everyone missed that.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

That, like, he would try to sit on his pants enough so his butt is out.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So he kind of Legs were not cold.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Jesus Christ. This is where Covid came from.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Probably, like, how many fluids have you been sitting in? Like, good thing, I guess, you on your pants.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Not only sitting in. I don't agree. The pants part, that's. That's even further spreading of whatever he's picking up there.

[Jake Johnson]

But also complicated. Why doesn't. I mean, you're cold. Try this. Who cares that it's for girls?

[Gareth Reynolds]

The idea that the. Yeah, I mean, honestly. Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, by the way, girls only.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm like, he's. He's going into men's rooms to do this, Is he? Like, why are they putting lady seats in the men's room? Why they got this?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I mean, maybe they were up like in school because guys don't want to go at the urinals when they're little. I have no idea.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, that's crazy, Ruth.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's a why? And then, so, so now he's fine now he's come to terms. He's a grown up now. Oh.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So after, like the day after, my sister and I were like, debriefing, like, how does he know this? Like someone taught him how to. Right? So he's like, oh my God, does her uncle do this? Does their aunt do this? And we don't even know.

[Jake Johnson]

Great.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

But then we didn't want to think like too much into it because, like, you know how your kid goes to the bathroom, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I'm just like, oh, God, who else does this? Which, like, I. I don't actually want to know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You never followed up.

[Jake Johnson]

Hold on. You have to know.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

No, no, we. We did not ask. I would rather not know.

[Jake Johnson]

Really. There could be a 45 year old man who bare balls it because he doesn't know any better. That man's.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yeah, there definitely could be. It could be.

[Jake Johnson]

This could help him. You imagine a 45 year old old man's ass like Gareth sitting on cold pork.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. Stop.

[Jake Johnson]

That old man smell. He's got.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Stop. This smell thing that you're cooking with is real wild, by the way. The idea that you think you've got, you've got a weird old man, it's crazy, I know.

[Jake Johnson]

But you don't think you do because.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then how can you smell?

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, stop. Don't smell. Other old men. We think we smell fine. It's young people go by and go like, jesus, it smells. No, we don't smell.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, I know the goodwill.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I agree.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I'm saying, Ruth?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I agree.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruth.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Is there a world shows up one.

[Jake Johnson]

Day, it's just there, and then the guy goes like this. What are you talking about? It's not me. No, it's just your breath and your armpits in your chest.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hey, first of all, we know who you're talking about when you do that little impression. Okay? It's pretty obvious. Well, I'll sit here in silence as long as you want. I'll die in silence.

[Jake Johnson]

This isn't about our old man smell. It's about you made.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're doing the thing where you're saying it's not about something. You just made it about. You made it about that. Ruth, listen. Isn't about the old man smell. It's not about us fighting. Ruth, is there a world where we call the uncle and we find out if the child was taught this.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know if I could handle this.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

That, oh, my God. I don't think it would be good.

[Jake Johnson]

I don't think he would find comedy in this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's sometimes where the best comedy is.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Knowing who it is, I definitely don't think it would be funny.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you think, Ruth, can you try to find out and follow up with us? I'm very curious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It would be lovely to have clothes.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Some really quick advice on how she should approach this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Sure.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yeah. Like, how do I go about investigating this?

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right.

[Jake Johnson]

Piggly and movie.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, they're dead.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

No, no, that would not work. That would not work on him.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You don't agree, by the way, there. I swear to you, two things that have happened on the road that are shocking are the amount of people who do say they miss Pigley and Mo and how many things of Parmesan. I will sign after shows on the toilet. Oh, my God.

[Jake Johnson]

Oh, my God. That is actually it. Ruth Parker on the toilet bowl.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruth, Ruth.

[Jake Johnson]

Because then you're gonna take a dump. You're like, I'll just put the seat down. And then it's way warmer.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruth, I genuinely think you just. You hit something pretty great here. I really. If. Listen, let me walk you through why your pitch works. The seat, if he's. If anyone's sitting on that part.

[Jake Johnson]

Gross. It's not for sitting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's not for sitting.

[Jake Johnson]

And you can also put honey on it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Honey, the toilet.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Too obvious.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Parmesan. The toilet.

[Jake Johnson]

By the way, if. Honest to God, if I was a bare bowler and I lifted up the seat and I saw Parmesan cheese on it, I'd go like, I'm doing something insane. But if he down.

[Gareth Reynolds]

If he. You're gonna get wind of it through the family. You know, like if someone sits on a Parmesan seat, there's gonna be a follow up.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Why was there cheese on your toilet?

[Jake Johnson]

So here's what I recommend, Ruth. You go to his house, you Parmesan it, and then you take the secret to your grave.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

You never know.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Is this possible, Ruth?

[Jake Johnson]

And can you take a photo of the Parmesan toilet, please?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruth, please. Parmesan's toilet.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Somewhat possible. Is it gonna happen something else?

[Jake Johnson]

Okay.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I think there's a better way to find it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Out.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Like, I could just go through my cousin.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, you could, but, I mean, again, we all fell in love with a toilet getting Parmesan. I agree. You're right. You could just.

[Jake Johnson]

There's other ways.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're right.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

You just asked an easy question.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Ruth, we look forward to no closure on this. We've got the vibe, we've got the energy.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I want to give you some closure.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then Parmesan the goddamn toilet.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Okay. No, about my cousin. So last month, he moved to college, and we talked about it before he left because I just told him how proud I am of myself that I was able to teach him how to do this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

By the way, you don't know how to.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

When you go to college. Like, they're not going to teach you that. And you're sharing a bathroom with all kinds of people, and they are just gonna make fun of your ass.

[Jake Johnson]

Agreed. So this is a big win. Good call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Way to go, Ruth. Parmesan that toilet. Take a picture. Let us know how it goes. Thanks a bunch. Take care. All right, bye.

[Caller Brian]

Bye now.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

All right. You guys want one more?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello? Hello? Hello, friend. Who are you, please?

[Caller Brian]

This is Tim from Nova Scotia.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tim from Nova Scotia. Thank you for calling in. Tim. What is. What's some great advice you've given or been given?

[Caller Brian]

Well, the best advice or at least the most meaningful advice in my life. Well, when I was an undergrad, I really wanted to be a lawyer. And so I took the LSAT once and just did.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Terribly sure.

[Caller Brian]

Titanically bad. And so when I was getting ready to write it again, one of my friends who used to be in my. I knew him from improv. He was my improv teacher had gone into law, and he was giving me some advice, and he said, tim, if you really want to do this, you have to masturbate.

[Jake Johnson]

I didn't expect that from an improv teacher.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

Tim, I was thinking yes and yep. I gotta tell you, Tim, this one is a real shock.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Tim, huge turn. So what.

[Caller Brian]

I said, are you pulling my leg? And he said, no. Trust me, doctors, lawyers do it. It's great for stress. You have to master.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He. He.

[Jake Johnson]

Sorry, but hold on. But when did he meet?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Before taking.

[Caller Brian]

Yeah, before taking the LSAT test.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. As if you were too nervous. That's why you did bad. Rub one off. Go take the test.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Exactly.

[Jake Johnson]

And are we talking to a lawyer right now, brother?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, we're not. I'm in jail.

[Jake Johnson]

So what happened?

[Caller Brian]

Long story. Long story short, I. I did as. As I was instructed, and I've Been a practicing lawyer for almost 10 years.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Well, Tim, we're not gonna give you.

[Jake Johnson]

Because I don't think it'd be good for business.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Nope. The masturbating lawyer. I'll get you off after I get off. Tim, thank you for the call. Keep. Keep practicing law and masturbating. My guy.

[Caller Brian]

Big wink through the camera.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Bye. Bye. Let's do one more. Yeah, Real quick. All right. Hello, hello, hello. What's your name, please?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Kelly.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Kelly. All right, Kelly, as we play around with this new format, will you tell us the predicament you found yourself in or someone else found themselves in? And before you tell us the advice that was given or you were given, we're gonna pitch on what we would do and then hear what happened.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, Gareth, 10 out of 10 there, sir, I think I just found the format.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Well, I'm not sure how to quite make it. So this is what happened. This was in about 1990.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So we're going back. I was in high school and this boy came over. I know. I'm. I'm sniffing 50 just like you guys.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So this boy comes over and ends up spilling pop in my brand new boombox and ruined it.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Pop, for those who are not from the Midwest, is so. Go ahead.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

It's just Sprite.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's a.

[Jake Johnson]

A grape. It's.

[Gareth Reynolds]

He spelled. You don't need to tell us. It was the 90s when someone spilled pop in your boom box by the B.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Exactly. Well, you'll wait until you hear the advice. So then my. My mom gave me advice on how to. On certain boys. On how to not. Not trust certain boys. Well, are you guys going to pitch.

[Jake Johnson]

Wait, hold on. But I don't. Oh, yeah, I missed something in translation.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So explain without telling you the advice.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay, well, hold on. So a boy spilled pop on your jukebox, and your mom gave you advice how to not trust certain boys? I wouldn't even know what.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm picking a red flag. You mean.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I know that.

[Jake Johnson]

Okay. I would say the format is right, but this call is unique. Take it away.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I agree.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Sorry, guys.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's okay.

[Jake Johnson]

That's a good call.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So. So should I give you the advice?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So her advice was to not trust boys that don't wear socks, as this was right around the Miami Vice era, and I live by that to this day.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hmm.

[Jake Johnson]

I gotta say, I think that's interesting.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I do too.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Right.

[Jake Johnson]

Don't trust men that don't wear socks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I actually think it's really good advice. Because honestly, it's this. It comes down to decision making. I, in my. In my life have not worn socks with shoes and never and always been like, what am I doing?

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah, I've definitely gone through phases where I don't wear socks with shoes. Ugh, the boat shoes.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Like the Miami Vice.

[Jake Johnson]

No, I mean, I got a. I got a kind of a Miami Vice pair of shoes these days.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yeah.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Now, Kelly, are you. Are you married?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I am married, yes.

[Gareth Reynolds]

And the person you're married to always wears socks and their shoes?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Always wears. Yes.

[Jake Johnson]

I think this is pretty solid. It's one of those weird. So I think there's something great about people passing on generational advice, especially when it comes to, like, medicines. I like the rub garlic behind your ear kind of routines, you know?

[Gareth Reynolds]

No wonder you got that old man smell. What are you doing just together?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Well, my mom. My mom passed away a year after that. So, like, I think it's so cool.

[Jake Johnson]

To, like, share, hold on and pass that on.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That is a good legacy for sure.

[Jake Johnson]

So.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

And I'll tell you, if you guys watch, like, anything, like, I don't know, these Blind. Blind Love or whatever, those shows are on, like, Netflix and stuff. All these guys are dressing like that again.

[Jake Johnson]

I agree. And guess what? Don't trust any of them. They're there just for attention.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Then look at society now, those little.

[Jake Johnson]

Cubes, and they're a bunch of weirdos. But I will tell you what's really fun about those shows on Netflix is watching them on Instagram a year later.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Why?

[Jake Johnson]

There's a guy. There was a couple who went on and I. I'm sure I teased you on this guy, Gareth, but it was some geeky guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Here we go.

[Jake Johnson]

Then after. Not that you're not a geeky guy, but after he gets on the show, I think he thought he was like a model and he started changing his whole hair. I think his name was like Garrett or something. He had long hair.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It was me.

[Jake Johnson]

Well, all of a sudden he had like this. I'm gonna find clips and send it. But they're all talking about this guy's glow up. And I'm like, it looks insane. He fully.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

And so I think I know who you're talking.

[Jake Johnson]

You know what I'm talking. It was like, he's a nice looking guy. He married some woman. She was like, they're both like doctors or so. Not doctors, but, like, they're both really smart. They did something. And then all of a sudden this dude's now like a model and it's Comedy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Does he have a republic?

[Jake Johnson]

I don't know. If he has, like, representation, why you gotta work with him, you fucking weirdo?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'm just saying, I just.

[Jake Johnson]

That's the weirdest question you could have asked.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Come on.

[Jake Johnson]

Do you want his rep?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Oh, man.

[Jake Johnson]

Did you find him?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah.

[Jake Johnson]

Show the photo. I want to make sure it's the same guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It is, 100%.

[Jake Johnson]

And then do the before and after.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, here. I'll give you the before. I.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes. This is the guy on the show, by the way. Handsome guy.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yeah, that.

[Jake Johnson]

You know, just a regular looking dude. I think he does something with science. So does she. They were a little geeky, but, like, a great match. And you'd be like, oh, they're gonna work. The guy gets on tv, on a Netflix show, and now this is the way he looks.

[Gareth Reynolds]

This is gonna suck. How do you describe that, Jake?

[Jake Johnson]

I mean, I don't know, man.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It's.

[Jake Johnson]

You know. I describe that as a man who doesn't wear socks.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

He probably doesn't.

[Jake Johnson]

No way. He used to wear socks, now he does it. Listen, we thank you for the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thanks.

[Jake Johnson]

Kelly, right?

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep. What a legacy your mother has. Love you, too.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Thank you. Bye.

[Jake Johnson]

Bye.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Let's do one more.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. All right.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Hello? Hello? Hey. What. What the hell was that all about?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Pardon?

[Gareth Reynolds]

What? Where? Why was your. Did you throw your phone down some stairs and then pick it up again? What just happened?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

No, I had it charging and I took the charger out.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I'll tell you the. You have a sprinter's pace when it comes to getting your phone off of whatever it was charging at. I mean, that was. That's like. That was quite a pickup.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Sorry for the noise on the other end.

[Gareth Reynolds]

No, it's interesting. What's your name, please, Please.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Michaela.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, Michaela, so here's what we're going to ask. If you hear Michaela set up the situation, and before you get into the advice that was given or gotten, give us a second to try to solve it in our own way first, and then we'll reveal what actually happened. How's that sound?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Oh, fascinating. Okay. Okay.

[Jake Johnson]

Thank you for liking the format.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yeah, no, this is great.

[Jake Johnson]

This is great.

[Gareth Reynolds]

All right, so walk us through the problem. What was the predicament then?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yes. Okay, so this was about five years ago. I had just bought my very first home out in the country, and my closest neighbors are about a quarter mile away or so. And I'd only moved in the week before, so I hadn't met any of them yet.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

I'm out pulling weeds in the pasture when my dog trots up with something large in his mouth, which was a bit surprising because he'd never caught anything before. But third, it was just a rabbit or something, and went back to weeding. But then he got closer, and I heard very distinct not rabbit noises coming from his mouth.

[Jake Johnson]

Killed a rabbit.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

And then he. Yeah, yeah. Then he deposits what is unmistakably a chicken right in my lap. And she's covered in slobber and missing half the feathers on one side. And my dog is panicking, looking at me like, hey, didn't expect to catch this. Now I don't know what to do. And this poor chicken, she's looking at me like, I didn't expect to be caught, and where are my feathers? So naturally, I probably.

[Jake Johnson]

Chicken's looking at me going like, hey, in other words, how you feeling about everything that happened last Thursday? And then the dog's looking at me like, last Thursday? Back off. And then the cat goes, you want to talk about Thursday? Talk about this weekend?

[Gareth Reynolds]

And then the constable walked over and said, what's going on here, then?

[Jake Johnson]

And so then. So the chicken's looking at you like, what the hell? The dog's looking at you like, I'm out of luck here.

[Gareth Reynolds]

You're looking in the mirror like, how did I get myself into this?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

You've read farm books, right? I mean, all the. All the animals talk. Okay. So naturally, I. I joined them in the panicking because I. I realized pretty quickly that my dog has traversed the cornfields, kidnapped one of my new neighbor's chickens, terrorized this poor thing, and returned to me, which is ill gotten gains. So that is where I'll stop, because the advice comes next.

[Jake Johnson]

Ooh, this is hard.

[Gareth Reynolds]

The chicken. The chicken is alive.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

The chicken is alive.

[Jake Johnson]

Yes, But I don't think we can really pitch on this.

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know what I'd do.

[Jake Johnson]

What?

[Gareth Reynolds]

I know what I would pitch if I. If, like, she called me, right? Then this is what I would say. I would say, go put the dog in your house. Get the dog out of there. Walk back over with the chicken and say, you found it. You think something attacked it. You don't know what it was. Feel them out, see how they are. Get to know him a little bit. Then after a bottle of wine or two, say, I gotta tell you, it was my dog that did it.

[Jake Johnson]

I'll tell you what my pitch would be.

[Gareth Reynolds]

What?

[Jake Johnson]

Eat the chicken.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Okay. Go ahead, Michaela, what did you do?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So I. I called my dad because he's the sort of guy you go to for advice when your dog pilfers your neighbor's chicken. And I asked him, I'm like, you know, what do I do? My dog just ate my neighbor's chicken. And he said, it's okay, you know, calm, deep breath. This sort of thing happens out in the country. It's normal. Your neighbors will understand. And of course, I'm panicking and hyperventilating and sobbing at this point. He asked the same thing you guys did, which is, is the chicken still alive? And I told him the same thing. Yes, she's alive, but she looks like she fought beside you in Vietnam. And dad's like, okay, so what you do is you, you know, hop on your four wheeler, drive to their house, bring the chicken with you, apologize, and offer to pay them for the price of the hence. And I'm dreading having to do that. Right? I mean, honestly, yours sound better where I just kind of pretend it's another animal that did it. But I know he's right. That's the right thing to do. So I'm like, you know, thanks, dad. I'll do that. But then there was a long pause on his side of the phone, and then he adds, and honey, if on your way up to their house, you see chickens lying everywhere and their entire flock has been massacred, you turn that forwarder around, have that chicken for supper, then put your house up for sale tomorrow morning and warn the people that buy it about the coyotes in the neighborhood.

[Gareth Reynolds]

That's pretty good. Blaming on coyotes is good.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. So what did you end up doing? What happened?

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

So I did the right thing. I went up to him and I explained, you know, I'm so, so sorry. You haven't met me yet. I'm your new neighbor. My dog. My dog did this to your chicken and offered to pay, and they wouldn't hear of it. They were so kind about it. And this is where it kind of felt like I was living in a sitcom because they said, you know, we have so many extra eggs. Would you guinea for your house? I know. And we've been getting free eggs from them for the last five years. It's been great, but. Yeah, yeah, but horrible, horrible start to that relationship.

[Jake Johnson]

Yeah. Pretty good dad advice, though. We appreciate the call.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you, Michaela.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Yeah, of course. Thank you.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Appreciate it. Well, there we go. Jake, some people who had some good advice, we talked about a way to maybe tweak this idea a little bit.

[Jake Johnson]

Going forward just to try it. And let's. Let's do something a little bit different. We got a few of them that felt like this and it was fun. Email in. If you have listened to the show, you had a problem and rather than call in, you did what you kind of think the world of the show.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Would have done or you took advice that we had given someone else with a similar problem. And how applied?

[Jake Johnson]

Similar to. Like when you did the. When your brother did the dog in the hand.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yes, when I gave my brother a dummy to calm his dog down.

[Caller Brian]

Down.

[Jake Johnson]

So if you have anything that was inspired by the show and you did, or you took some advice and tried it, let's see how those work. Let's try another one of these.

[Gareth Reynolds]

It could have worked or it could not have worked.

[Jake Johnson]

Either way is fine.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Just give us warts and all what happened.

[Jake Johnson]

Let's see what happens.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Thank you.

[Caller (various female callers, e.g., Ruth, Kelly, Michaela)]

Bye.

[Caller Abby]

Hey guys, this is Farwa calling from Orlando, Florida. Huge fan of the podcast. I recently heard about the nominations for best episode and I simply had to send in a voice note and nominate the twin circumcision episode with Max Greenfield. That was probably the funniest episode of anything I've ever heard in my life. I was laughing so hard that I could barely see because of the tears in my eyes. I think that it was hilarious and Max's delivery was perfect. So I'd love to nominate that episode. Thanks, guys. Hi, it's Sophie.

[Jake Johnson]

I'm speaking to you from York, England, and I wanted to nominate the obvious.

[Caller Abby]

Winner, your best original caller of all time, your best follow up caller.

[Jake Johnson]

He's inspired teachers, students, parents all over the world.

[Caller Abby]

He's the greatest, the loveliest. It's hot takes with Mr. Hi.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We'Re.

[Jake Johnson]

Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show, please email us your question@ Helpful Pod Gmail.com. and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our [e-mail] hereto help pod to see our entire catalog.

[Gareth Reynolds]

We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grim Productions executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis. Associate producer Jesse Thurston Editing, mix and master by Chris Faller. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh. The COVID artwork is by James Fosdike, animations by Andrew Strelecki. And if you'd like to see Gareth do Stand up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com Remember, all the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. And once again, we were brought to you by Rocket Money, and we want.

[Jake Johnson]

To thank Rocket Money for helping push to do this new type of episode and to have one sponsor as opposed to a lot. So everybody go out there and use Rocket Money. Gareth and I both do.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Yep.

[Jake Johnson]

When this idea came up, we said yes to Rocket Money because we both.

[Gareth Reynolds]

Wanted something we use and we think that'll help listeners. So Rocket Money, like we said, is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. Start saving [e-mail] help.