Transcript

Caller (e.g., Jordan or Ashley) (0:02)

This is a Headgum podcast.

Jake Johnson (0:26)

And we are back. Jake, we both got something you want. Let me do mine real quick.

Gareth Reynolds (0:33)

Do it.

Jake Johnson (0:34)

So I'm in Fort Wayne, Indiana and we're recording. I'm on. So I'm on the east coast. So it's kind of in that weird hotel zone. Like if we record around now, I've got to kind of figure something out of like a late checkout check in. So as I'm trying to figure that out, when we said we're gonna do today, I go through my email and I'm looking for the hotel where the club is putting me up to see if I can get in there a night early or whatever. And I see an email that was sent to my website from someone who worked at a Hampton Inn in Fort Wayne, a fan of our show. And she was just basically like, I won't say her name just because maybe, I don't know, she doesn't want that out there. But she's like, hey, I work at the Hampton Inn. I saw you're gonna be in Fort Wayne. If you and any of people want a room, an easy, cheaper room, let me know, I'll set you up. So I call her directly and she gets me a super late checkout on a room that I book. And so that's how I'm able to record.

Gareth Reynolds (1:38)

So I was just like, is that happening right now?

Jake Johnson (1:40)

Yes, I'm right now in this Hampton Inn in Fort Wayne. Yeah. And I just was like, ah, it's great.

Gareth Reynolds (1:47)

That's awesome.

Jake Johnson (1:48)

And I call it. She was. I'm like, this is Gareth. And she's like, from, we're here to help. I'm like, yeah. I'm like, and I need your help.

Gareth Reynolds (1:58)

That's a great.

Jake Johnson (1:59)

The community is strong.

Gareth Reynolds (2:01)

So I got one. I don't know if we have time, but I told you the story when I was in New York and I said I had a weird story for you.

Jake Johnson (2:09)

Yeah.

Gareth Reynolds (2:11)

So I've been shooting this show, having a blast, loving it. When it comes out, we'll hopefully have a bunch of the cast on, but it's a really special one. It's been a lot of fun. I've been flying back and forth a lot and I'm doing it in New York, but I'll fly in on like a Tuesday, shoot on a Wednesday, fly on a Thursday. I always self drive in my life. I don't like drivers, I don't like getting picked up, Nothing. I can't do that. So transpo picks me up outside of the hotel. I sit in the car, we drive to Staten island or Yonkers or the Lower east side or wherever we're shooting, Brooklyn or Queens, I shoot. I go back to the hotel. Gareth. I'm like a child. I know nowhere of where we're going. I barely know the names of the hotels I'm at on this one because I'm so out of it with timing. I only tell you that because of what happens. So I fly in. I think I'm on two and a half hours of sleep. And then just a banger of a day. Like five scenes, four scenes, 12 to 13 hour day. @ the end of the day, I am cooked. It's 7pm I get in transpo, drive from somewhere, Greenpoint to some hotel, some clubs, outside with a bunch of young people. In Williamsburg. Kill me. Walking into a packed elevator with a bunch of drunks being. Talking so loud. And I'm like, I'm just trying to get to a room to sleep, you animals. My. I'm getting picked up at 5am to get to the airport. Scream. Talking all around me. Just get me in my room so I can shut the goddamn door. I'm nearly 70 years old. I walk in the room, I close the door. Paradise. Take out my wallet, put it down, reach for my phone. Reach for my phone. Where the is my phone? Oh, my God, where's my phone? At that moment, I realize how dependent I am. Gareth.

Summary

We're Here to Help

Episode 214: Too Wholesome for Doggy & Ethiopian Jazz
Hosts: Jake Johnson & Gareth Reynolds
Date: October 6, 2025

Episode Overview

In this lighthearted and chaotic episode, Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds navigate their way through hotel mishaps, audience connections, and multiple advice segments ranging from tattoo regrets to timeshare woes to bizarre doll adoption. In true "We're Here to Help" fashion, they deliver earnest, irreverent advice, blending personal anecdotes with wild bits, keeps listeners laughing, and sometimes genuinely helping.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Travel Woes, Fans, and Hotel Hijinks

Jake's Fort Wayne Story: Jake shares how a listener and hotel worker helped him secure a late checkout, underlining the supportive community behind the podcast.
- "The community is strong." (Jake, [01:59])
Gareth's NYC Adventure: Gareth recounts a frantic adventure in New York after losing his phone post-filming, and the spiral of bizarre problem-solving that ensued:
- Begging hotel staff to use their computer
- Failing two-factor authentication
- Random car rides in Brooklyn hunting for a film studio
- Desperate attempts to buy a bottle of booze as a thank you
- Learning to ride a deli guy’s delivery scooter at 11 p.m.—and being recognized from "Let's Be Cops"
The ordeal concludes with Gareth returning to the hotel after riding a scooter and laughing about the wild series of events.
- Notable Quote: "When you’re in hell, burn up." (Gareth, [09:21])
- Notable Quote: "That is as wild of a night as I've had in ages." (Gareth, [17:30])

2. Advice Segment 1: The Disney Tattoo Dilemma

Caller: Jordan (Florida)

Context:
Jordan’s newly divorced friend wants to cover a tramp stamp with a large Disney-themed back tattoo celebrating her kids. Jordan’s husband objects, saying it’ll hurt her dating life, but Jordan feels awkward advising her.

Discussion Points:

The hosts point out the sensitive nature of the tattoo placement and content:
- Covering a lower back tattoo with a Disney scene, especially featuring kids, could be awkward for future romantic partners.
- Jake: "It's like imagine if during sex someone was like, hold a picture of my family. It's insane." ([29:29])
Advice: Friends have a duty to voice concern if a loved one is about to make a big, potentially regretful decision.
- "If you love somebody, you got to tell them if you think something's crazy. That's the job." (Gareth, [29:35])
Help Jordan compose a gentle text using her husband as the ‘bad cop’ to express concern while supporting her friend’s autonomy.
- Drafting and editing the message live together, with an emphasis on being succinct, caring, and leading with, "my husband wanted me to mention…"
Jordan sends the text live during the show, expressing relief afterward.
- Notable Quote:
  "This could save this woman's back." (Gareth, [36:19]) "I think you're a good friend here. I really do." (Jake, [39:26])

Timestamps

Start of caller segment: [24:11]
Main advice & text drafting: [32:04–37:30]

3. Advice Segment 2: Timeshare Presentation Escape Plan

Caller: Ashley (San Diego)

Context:
Ashley’s family relies on her sitting through a timeshare presentation to unlock a big vacation discount. She’s anxious about navigating aggressive salespeople alone, fearing she’ll cave.

Discussion Points:

Hosts brainstorm how Ashley can get the discount while escaping the presentation unscathed.
- Emphasize she just needs to show up and sign a form; the aggressive pitch is optional.
- Propose going in as an exaggerated, “unsellable” character to actively repel the pitch.
  - “Shockingly light-hearted and not erotic… or very erotic.” (Gareth, [50:38])
- Jake pitches a radical idea: have Ashley wear an earpiece, with Jake and Gareth feeding her absurd responses and questions as she interacts with the sales rep, inspired by Johnny Depp’s earpiece listening to Ethiopian jazz while filming.
  - "What if we send her in there, her hair's down over her ears... and we talk... and we set it up and you let us tell you what questions, maybe the best catch you’ve ever had in the history of our show." (Jake, [54:11])
- They devise a plan to coordinate Ashley's timeshare meeting with a live podcast recording for maximum mischief and minimal risk.
Ashley is enthusiastic and commits to the prank, promising to keep them updated.

Timestamps

Start of advice segment: [43:29]
Earpiece scheme pitched: [53:54–56:11]

4. Follow-Up: Virginia the Crocheted Doll’s Fate

Caller: Alex

Context:
Alex previously called for advice on what to do with their large, hand-made doll "Virginia." Attempts to launch her into the world through dating app profiles failed (blocked), but Instagram offers came flooding in after a podcast mention.

Discussion Points:

The most interesting offers include:
- Using Virginia as a feminist mascot
- Comedy group “My Totally Real Girlfriend” wanting her as a sketch mascot
- A formal acquisition offer from the Gadsden Museum of Art in Alabama
The hosts call the museum live to confirm intent; Alex expresses excitement but needs to arrange shipping for the sculpture.
- Notable Moment:
  Alex insists Virginia be displayed "in her natural glory, nude," and everyone agrees to honor the artist's wishes. ([69:01])
- *"Alex, you called into a podcast about what to do with this doll. How do you feel about this as a sol." (Gareth, [70:51])
- Alex: "I think you can ring the bell. I am very, very happy." ([70:56])
The museum agrees to host Virginia in rotation and promises to promote shows; the hosts are elated to give Alex closure.

Timestamps

Intro to follow up: [58:09]
Alex reads intentions: [62:08–63:54]
Live museum call: [68:10–70:37]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Jake: "The community is strong." [01:59]
Gareth: "When you’re in hell, burn up." [09:21]
Jake: "It's like imagine if during sex someone was like, hold a picture of my family. It's insane." [29:29]
Gareth: "If you love somebody, you got to tell them if you think something's crazy. That's the job." [29:35]
Jake: "What if we send her in there, her hair's down over her ears... and we talk... and we set it up and you let us tell you what questions..." [54:11]
Gareth: "Alex, you called into a podcast about what to do with this doll. How do you feel about this as a sol." [70:51]
Alex: "I think you can ring the bell. I am very, very happy." [70:56]

Structure & Flow

Intro: Warm, personal anecdotes and banter, hotel stories
First Advice Segment: Live advice and text-crafting around a controversial tattoo
Second Advice Segment: Comic plotting for a timeshare sales defense
Follow-Up: Closure on a peculiar doll adoption saga
Wrap-up/Production credits

Episode Tone

Casual, hilarious, irreverently empathetic. The hosts prioritize honesty and vulnerability, never failing to riff or make themselves the butt of the joke.

For New Listeners

This episode encapsulates the show's best qualities: weird real-life problems, supportive (if unconventional) advice, and humor in every corner. Even the most trivial dilemmas are met with sincerity and levity, making the advice genuinely helpful and the stories unforgettable.